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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Wrap Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Smythe has had this sort of asymmetrical wrap blazer before, but it kept selling out and I couldn't post it back when they had a black version. I'm really liking this spring-y one, though — double-breasted is a big look for fall, but I like how this isn't quite double-breasted, and not quite a wrap. It's interesting and different — very sleek looking and polished, and very fashion-forward but still sort of traditional and not too out there. I even like the shiny buttons, which is not something I normally like. The blazer is $695 at Nordstrom, and there are only a few sizes left, so hurry if you like it. There are also some sizes in stock at Neiman Marcus (in black and pink) and Shopbop (in red, on sale). Wrap Blazer   Nordstrom has similar blazers from Boden and Topshop, and for plus sizes, from Halogen. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

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288 Comments

  1. I have been offered a promotion within my current team at work (new role with more responsibility but the same team). The salary is more than I am currently making, but not that much more given that I will give up some benefits including guaranteed annual salary increases and overtime pay. I know the official salary range for the role, so I could ask for more while staying within that range. Should I ask for more than the official range? Based on industry standards it would be reasonable to but my company just isn’t going to pay it.

    Leaving the company isn’t an option at this time and I will be taking the role even if I’m not able to negotiate higher pay.

    1. Don’t bother. All you will get is a black mark on your record. You are getting a promotion so take it and eventually, you should get more money for your effort’s. That is what I did; slog around in the swamps for years, before I finally made partner, and soon, I will be up for being the manageing partner! Good things do come for those who are patent, like me! Now I hope I can find a man who will marry me b/c I have been waiting soooooooooooooo long! FOOEY!

    2. I don’t want to sound like the troll. But how many of you actually wear collar shirts to work nowadays?

      I work for a law firm in London, UK. And there’s a gorgeous girl in my office who wears a suit and shirt to work almost everyday.

      2. I wear structured dresses. I have a very rich skin tone and oily skin. There is no way that chocolate-colored foundation won’t make it to my collar by 9 AM

      3. I sometimes wear collared shirts but they almost always are made out of soft fabrics or casual prints. Not quite flannel shirt territory but not far off. UK and banking (but I wear jeans most of the time, as formality context)

    4. Do you know how firm your company is on position ranges? Some are strict, so you might as well ask for the top of the range, and some are flexible, so in that case I’d ask for more. There is no legitimate reason to ask for more, especially when you present the considerations you mentioned above.

    5. Negotiate. Just because you know they won’t give you higher than the salary range, does not mean you don’t ask for it and receive something less than you asked for but still a significant increase.

    6. I would ask for the top of the range for that role. They know you already know the range and they know you know they won’t pay more than the range, so you’ll look out of touch if you ask for more than that but definitely negotiate for the top of what they will pay!

    7. There’s always so much more than pay that can be negotiated. Bonus, % in company profit, shares, vacation, matching contribution for 401K, Work from home options, etc

      If you want this job, then yes absolutely negotiate, even if you know they wont pay more than the range. Explain that while this title looks good on paper, you will be doing more work for lesser money as you are losing your OT and annual salary increase… Ask them on what kind of salaried increase this role offers, even if not guaranteed.

      1. Generally, you can’t negotiate anything related to a 401k/retirement plan. Those plans have to pass certain safe harbor requirements and other tests to show the plan applies the same to all employees, and does not to disproportionately advantage higher-rank/higher-paid employees (aka the ones making decisions on the investment fund).

        So, you can’t ask for a matching contribution, or a different amount for contribution, if its outside the plan.

        1. I know someone who successfully negotiated in this area. She was being heavily recruited into a role that offered some less attractive benefits than her current role and is generally a b@d@$$, but I am sharing this here to support all women wondering whether they should negotiate and on what terms. Know yourself, the company, and the market, and always negotiate!

        2. I was able to negotiate having my time as a temp count towards my 401k vesting after I became a permanent employee. I worked at that job for over two years before going permanent, so if I’d failed to negotiate that option, I would have worked there going on 4 years before I would have become eligible to contribute to the 401k.

  2. This blazer is so cute and different! I really think I could look good in it; at least from the front. My only reservation is that b/c it is so short, men will focus on my tuchus, which has NOT gotten any smaller even tho I do over 10,000 steps a day on my FITBIT! I supose I could wear a skirt with it, but again, the blazer does not cover any portion of our tuchuses, so we have to be comfortable in our willingness to have men ooogle us. I wish there were a better way, but I will STILL ask the manageing partner to approve it for me. YAY!!!

  3. Have you ever had a career coach? If so, how beneficial was he/she? And what was your line of work?

    1. I’m in consulting (MBB) and I’ve been seeing a career coach for the past 6 months or so. I think she’s been super helpful in helping me think through the challenges I’m encountering and reframing things in a way that’s more helpful to me. Her homework assignments are super useful as well. This may be a function of the issues I came in wanting to discuss, but I wouldn’t say it’s helped make me better at performing the duties of my job, but super useful with thinking about big picture things like what do I want to accomplish, where do I go from here etc.

  4. I don’t want to sound like the troll. But how many of you actually wear collar shirts to work nowadays?

    I work for a law firm in London, UK. And there’s a gorgeous girl in my office who wears a suit and shirt to work almost everyday.

    1. For ~ 7 years I owned but did not wear.

      Now I do not even own them.

      #TeamBlouse

    2. Never. I don’t even own any collar shirts. But I also work in a very casual (jeans and t-shirt) type office.

    3. I am in a HCOL East Coast city, and I never wear collar shirts to work. Truth be told, I am 7 months postpartum and nothing, especially tops because I’m still nursing, fits. But, even before I was pregnant, I never wore them. Too much trouble.

    4. Business casual office that is heavily male. I wear full button down shirts at least 3 times a week.

        1. Are you sure you’re not the troll? I believe shirts are required in most offices, regardless of the level of formality.

        3. Not required, but I like the way they look. They pair well with a high waisted skirt or pants. Also all the men wear button downs in business casual, and honestly, I like the symmetry of wearing something similar to what they wear.

    9. Most days (weekends too). I use them to add pattern/color and interest under a sweater or blazer. I like the way the collar frames my face and I think the button up is slimming. My style skews preppy.

    12. Also in a law firm in London and never. And I rarely see women wearing them in my firm, some of the litigators do if they are going to court or something I think.

      Personally, I don’t wear them because (i) I don’t have any clothes that require ironing because it’s a time suck and (ii) they don’t suit my body shape but I like them in theory.

    1. It’s the sort of thing I’d buy at Loft, wear a few seasons, and donate.

      But instead of the large / boxy shape that everyone else seems to be showing, this is exactly what I need. I have an extremely short torso and am flatchested and this is the only sort of jacket that works for me — shorter and shaped / structured. Nice to have something that I could have as an option, once my bankrobbing or check-kiting career takes off.

      1. I am completely taken by this blazer but can’t spend that kind of money when I work from home and dress like a grown-up maybe once or twice a month.

  6. I usually buy shoes with the best of intentions and they never work out for my poor high-arched narrow heel triangular shaped feet that have suffered through a few pinched nerves in the past couple of years. I’ve tried very expensive shoes (Ferragamos) and they just rub and blister (maybe I need a wide???). I’ve gone cheap b/c I also tend to ruin shoes.

    BUT

    I have the M Gemi Fortunas (black patent) and after weeks of wearing, my feet are still in love. Which never happens. And my feet are so much happier in them than 2″ block heels (which I love, but didn’t realize could be improved on), especially at meetings and conferences where I am standing for hours.

    1. I find for special feet going expensive and cheap never works. Expensive shoes are never made for special feet, only those long slim feet of shoe models. Cheap shoes are…well cheap – ill fitting, plastic, don’t last.

      You need a mid-range comfort shoe that addresses your particular needs. I’m glad you found a brand that works for you. I myself have wide flat feet and found a handful of

      1. I love Paul Green, which is an expensive brand. Expensive shoes always have better leather which helps, though the really fashiony lines are super narrow.

    2. Oh. I thought you were going to ask for advice, and I was going to be like, get thee to a podiatrist and wear your custom-made orthotics!
      But maybe I’ll do that and also buy your certainly-not-an-ad shoes

    3. Have you tried Rothys? I’m contemplating some Rothy points because I too am incredibly picky. I’m wearing my Allbird loafers today and its…not a great look. I wore my M.Gemi Stellato flats everyday for the past 2 weeks and they are comfortable but my feet needed a break.

      1. OP here. I have a pair of round-toe Rothys. They are what I commute in and they are great for that. [I often do a speed round at the grocery store several times a week and loathe doing that in most of my work shoes.] I’d love the points, but couldn’t justify as they read as casual and would be duplicative of my current pair in color. I do think they are prettier. I have heard that the points are hard to size correctly and chatted up someone in our elevator bank wearing the points and she wasn’t crazy about them. Also, my feet don’t look really pretty in the Rothys — the people in the Rothys ads have feet that look very cute in the shoes and mine don’t look like that. But I do love them for commuting and I often don’t change out of when I cook dinner. They have been great but a little too casual whereas the Fortunas look sharp and like real shoes.

    4. I can assure you I’m not an ad–and not the OP–but I concur with the sentiment. I have found my M Gemi shoes remarkably comfortable. They also have a very sturdy feel to them, in that even in high, non-block heels, I feel very stable in a way that I haven’t found as true in other brands.

      1. Agreed – I have a small wardrobe of Mgemi flats and low heels and they are both surprisingly comfortable and hold up well. I chuck them in my carry on luggage regularly and as long as I stick them in the shoe bag they’re fine. I wouldn’t wear them all day at a conference I was running, but as an attendee or as normal sitting at a desk in an office shoes they’re great.

    5. OP here — I’m not an ad. I am the person who posted a while back about shoes for “triangular feet” (B+ width at ball of foot; narrow heel; wore narrow shoes as a child but broke a couple of toes and now have oddly shaped feet on each side). I had a pair of new shoes once that made my feet bleed (but were supposed to be so orthopedically correct and had almost orthodic-level arch support).

      FWIW, I also like the J Crew Anyas (I have been babying them b/c suede, so don’t know how they’d do on a 10K step day with lots of city walking). They were a good recent bargain find. I don’t know if I’d go all the way to “love” but may figure that out if it ever stops raining :( Perfectly good keep-at-work-wear-in-the-office shoe though.

    6. I’m wearing mine in black matte leather today! Love them. I also have some heels, practical loafers, quilted loafers with absurd tassels, etc. Big fan. I wish I could justify the drivers :\

  7. I’d like to add one more color to my capsule wardrobe this summer- along with light blue, light gray, and oatmeal colors. I look best with a little color but low contrast, because I’ve got pale skin and blonde (slightly graying) hair. Suggestions? Links to casual pieces would be especially welcome.

    1. This is what I call Swedish Camo :)

      Since we’re heading into summer, may I suggest white? Specifically, the Old Navy cropped jean jacket? I use it to casual-up my work pieces now that we’ve gone from business-casual to casual.

      1. I have similar coloring and also like a nice blush (light, not too pink).

    2. Baby pink would be lovely near your face (scarf/jacket/blouse/top) and meets the low contrast desire.
      Also fwiw consider a bright in a scarf as a way to elevate the neutral pallete on occasion. Borrow from someone to test. I’m thinking violet, fuscia, deep midnight, lime, pine green…..

    3. I have similar coloring, and my summer wardrobe includes a fair amount of light pink.

    5. I would add white or pink to those colors. I was at first thinking navy, because it would be beautiful with all of them, but it seems like you want to keep everything light toned.

  8. How do you add a little edge to your work wardrobe? I’ve been feeling a little basic lately in terms of my outfits. I basically just wear neutrals from MM LaFleur. On my own time I wear a fair bit of leather and have a touch of hipster in my life. I do occasionally wear the leather jacket into work in spring/fall, but it seems like a little much. I’m in consulting and dress code is typically business casual.

      1. I think spiky jewelry is a little bit 10 yrs too late trend-wise.

        I think the key to adding edge to your work wardrobe is in the accessories and hair styling. I think adding “edge” in the sense biker babe doesn’t have a place at work. The work version of edge is sleek, statement jewelry – and I DON’T mean big “statement” necklace but rather unusual interesting jewelry. I find it’s also fun to find and collect these unique pieces.

        Have fun with your hair (ex. if it’s your style a blunt cut, or vaguely wild curls (but not unkempt))
        Buy kickass shoes in funky colors and patterns
        Layer with blazers with unusual cuts or patterns that complement but don’t overwhelm your clothes.

    2. Feel the exact same way. I’m in a rut and feeling lame. I think this is compounded by the fact that I moved from a very large city to a small city in the midwest and I’m just not around stylish business women as much. There’s not a daily churn of people to be inspired by.

      I bought a few pieces from Cos that are more directional/funking but still business appropriate.

      Also bought a few pairs of androgynous brogues in various interesting colors.

      I really enjoy reading the directrice blog. I love how her style is really interesting and avant garde but also completely professional. Any other ideas.

    3. I used to do it with funky shoes like Fluevog but now I have problem feet I don’t wear them as much. How about interesting scarves. I’m specifically thinking of one of the many versions of the Alexander McQueen skull scarves.

    4. There is an on topic SNL skit from this weekend highlighting the challenge : https://youtu.be/JE4VdrKf40s
      Not calling you a fashion coward, it’s just amusing given the punchline
      But agree with statement shoes, intentional hair or subtle but edgy prints/jewelery

    5. I throw similar personal style, also in consulting.

      Lafayette 148 usually has a couple blazers with leather every season, so I have a couple of those. Also tend to wear moto style jackets.

      Have started to usually go with pants (not just Monday and Thursday), which also tend to be fitted.

      Shoes have been tougher to bring in, but I’ve been getting boots from Belstaff, and looking for loafers and heels with some heavier elements.

      Jewelry is a mix. Usually have an modern ring, non-logo Gucci bracelet, and modern earrings (ear jackets a bit ago, now spike or geometric).

      1. I have never felt cooler than when I recently wore a silk midi wrap dress, booties and a leather moto jacket.

  9. Thoughts on MM LaFleur sizing and quality? I’d like to look a little more polished at work, and several of its dresses look like they fit the bill. The clothes cost more than I normally spend (sale shopper here), but perhaps it would be worth it?

    1. I’m not a fan but many are. I think they are pricey for polyester, and the dresses aren’t a great fit on my hourglass frame. It’s worth making an appointment and trying a bunch of things on, or just getting a Bento box since it’s free shipping and returns.

      1. I agree with this. I’ve tried two bento boxes and had one appointment with a stylist and finally had to concede that the dresses just do not fit my body, much as I wish they did. 5’8 hourglass/pear-ish, FWIW.

    2. I am an MML devotee and think some MML is absolutely worth it. Some of it is not. In my opinion, the allure of MML is the tailoring. Like you said, many of the dresses look very polished. Dresses are where you get the most bang for your buck at MML. The tops are beautiful but are often just a regular polyester shell that you ought to be able to get at Dillard’s or even TJ Maxx for much less, so I rarely think the tops are worth the cost.

      Their sizing is mostly true to size, but is also wildly inconsistent. I have the Lydia in three different sizes, all of which fit me, because they change their measurements with each batch. This is ok as long as you understand you have to order the piece, try it on, and decide if that particular one fits you. You cannot assume you are the same size in each piece each time, because the same dress in another production run will probably not fit the same. This makes it really hard to buy MML from Poshmark, etc., because without trying on the exact dress, you just don’t know if it will fit.

      But if you’re willing to pay full price, order a few dresses online, try them on, and send back the ones that don’t fit, then in my opinion it’s worth it. I like the Lydia, Aditi, and Annie, usually with a jardigan (the only other MML piece that’s worth the money, besides the dresses, in my opinion). A lot of people also like the Etsuko. Good luck!

      1. I am a huge Etsuko fan and love it (and my others) b/c they are washable. For the washability, I can justify the price. I have a light colored one that I am always spilling on when I east at my desk and have successfully spot-cleaned while wearing with success. I can’t have nice things but I have these :)

    3. I have over the past few years slowly built up a work wardrobe that is 95% MMLF, largely via ebay and poshmark. There have been lots of misses in terms of fit, which I have then resold, usually at a loss of perhaps $20. But, I have 3 pairs of pants, 8 or so dresses, 12 or so tops, a few sweaters. I really like the clothes because I think I look/feel polished and put together, I am very comfortable every day, and my clothes are easy to care for.

      1. I have a few dresses from them, and agree 100% with Delta Dawn that the best bang for your buck is with the dresses. (The Etsuko is my favorite – super easy to wear and can be dressed up or down. ) I wouldn’t spend that kind of money on their tops, which I don’t find to be anything very special. If you keep an eye out, they have a sample sales once or twice a year (in DC and NY, maybe elsewhere?) where they’ll sell returned items or things that are slightly damaged at about half-price – most of my MMLF has come from those sales, when I’ve found pieces where any damage is imperceptible. I’m normally a bargain shopper but I do feel that these pieces are worth it, and once you know which styles and sizes fit you, there are great deals to be had on Poshmark and eBay.

  10. If you’re traveling for work and not eating with coworkers, what do you usually do for dinner? Eat by yourself at a restaurant? Get takeout and eat in your hotel room? Something else? I’m starting to travel a lot and am curious what others do.

    1. I usually know someone in whatever city I’m visiting and try to meet up with old friends for dinner.

      1. I mean, that’s great for you, but it’s very rare to have non-coworker friends in every city you visit for work and if OP is asking about this, it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t have people to meet up with.

        1. Not Scarlet, but you’d be surprised how often you might know someone in each place. I’m a total introvert, but try to use it as an opportunity to network at least once every work trip. Also, I personally have some choice in where I travel, so try to pick places where it’s more likely I know someone.

        2. I also DO go out w/ co-workers a lot and it’s a great way to become a more cohesive team (at least for my team). Most of mine will get dinner every night together… I usually join most night at least for a bit unless I have something else planned.

        3. Lol yeah if I knew people in the city I’m traveling to, I wouldn’t be asking this…

          1. Seriously; I mean I offered it to be helpful. I actually tend to forget that I have looser connections in other cities I’m going to and am often reminded “oh you’re going to X, are you going to see so & so who lives there” & it’s helpful. Sorry if you had that all figured out already – sheesh.

    2. Depends on my mood, but if I have time, I’ll go to a restaurant by myself with my kindle. I’ve come to really enjoy reading my book over a good meal and glass of wine by myself. Sometimes will sit at the bar, but other times just at a table.

      If I have work to do or am tired after a long day of meetings, I’ll either get room service or pick up something quick on my way back to the hotel.

    3. I take advantage of the opportunity to try interesting new restaurants. Depending on the restaurant, it can be more fun to sit at the bar than alone at a table. Beware of hotel bars, though, especially at less fancy hotels. For some reason, skeevy men on business travel seem to think that a solo woman at a hotel bar is asking to be hit on.

      I hate eating in my hotel room–it grosses me out.

    4. Room service or take out and catch up on trashy tv without kids or DH to interrupt me!

      On longer trips, sometime I’ve gone to a museum or art gallery for an hour in the evening and then had dinner at the onsite restaurant.

      1. Room service and bad TV is the gift I give myself when traveling for work. No kids and no DH, whatever I want to eat and whatever I want to watch.

    5. I just spent two weeks on business travel and I did a combination of those. One night I ordered room service, several times I grabbed take out, and I also ate at restaurants by my self. It was glorious!

    6. My husband travels a lot for work. He often packs bags of nuts/trail mix/protein bars in his bag and eats in his room. This gives him time to get a workout, catch up on email, and/or watch a movie. But he’s an introvert who is usually tired of being with people by the end of the work day.

      1. +1. I travel to the UK a lot and buy salad and fruit or cheese and crackers or something from M & S and then stock up the mini fridge. I often combine this with meeting up with friends in restaurants some nights, plus clients dinners, but somehow can’t handle dinner at a restaurant alone (whereas I have no issues with doing this at lunch).

        1. Why oh why do we not have M&S foodmarkets in more major cities here?!? I do this in London as well and it is SO handy to easily stock up on fruit/rolls/water/etc. for my room which I can then grab and go if I’m running late.

    7. Eat by myself at a restaurant, some times sitting at the bar if I want to talk to people. Unless I’m really low on time or have a ton of work to do that night, I hate eating room services for dinner

    8. I like finding something well-reviewed on Yelp near the hotel, then bringing it back to the room. If I’m not going out with coworkers, that usually means I’m done being around people, so I wouldn’t eat at the restaurant alone. I get room service if I’m too exhausted to stay in real clothes, but usually I regret that – expensive and not that good.

    9. All of the above. I do get sick of eating in my room and then dealing with the dishes/tray so I tend to take a book or some papers to read and go to a restaurant. My favorite is a small bar table at a place that has good appetizers because it’s quicker than a full dinner service but I also use my travel to try places, so very often I will have a full restaurant meal by myself.

    10. Some combination of all of these–eat in hotel room (Usually via UberEats or similar), by myself in a restaurant (and I prefer a table to sitting at the bar), or meeting up with friends if I’ve got any in town.

    11. I generally go to one of the fast casual type chains where I can have a sit down meal and read a book – usually Nando’s because then I can have a relatively healthy chicken + veg type meal and a glass of wine for well under my work expenses budget.

    12. I usually want a glass of wine and that’s not always possible with takeout or room service, so I’ll find a restaurant where I can sit at the bar. I had fun doing that in Chicago – the bartender was great and there were other interesting people at the bar. Otherwise, takeout and TV.

    13. I have had some really bad experiences dining alone (mostly in Europe) with men who won’t leave me alone, so I usually pick up takeout and eat in my hotel room, or in the hotel lobby/breakfast area if my room is small and I don’t want to get crumbs all over my bed.

    14. We have a set per meal allowance- I also like trying out new places… but when I’m just tired and want to chill, I go to Whole Foods and get sushi + some veggies & stock up on snacks & drinks to eat the rest of the week.

    15. I agree that meeting up with friends, if possible, is great. I have a reputation for having a bestie everywhere I have had to travel. It’s almost true — I didn’t know anyone in Birmingham AL, though.

      There are one or two coworkers with whom I gladly go out to eat — the kind I’d meet up with for a beer on a regular day in town, too. But otherwise I prefer to eat alone. (Of course if a Head Honcho is traveling with me, or I’m sort of shepherding someone around, I’ll eat with them if that’s what they want.)

      Unless I’m exhausted (then I UberEats for some junk food) I like to walk to a restaurant and eat at the bar with a book. I love sitting on a bar stool and eating alone — it’s such a pleasure and I basically only get to do it when I’m traveling for work. Somewhat relatedly, I have a challenge to myself for everywhere I go to “do one fun thing.” My dad is great at this and squeezes in a stop at a museum after his last meeting and before his flight, or whatever. I’m not as good at it yet, but since often only my evenings are free, it’s more likely that I’ll be checking out a cool brewery or restaurant.

    16. Yelp is great in new cities! I usually decide what I want to eat and then see where Yelp can steer me.

      Depending on where I am and how much time I have, I also try to venture out for an hour or so before dinner. Sometimes to get a pedicure or a speed massage. Sometimes to a yoga class. Sometimes to check out an art gallery with an evening show. Sometimes just to go to the local mall (I never have time to go at home). It helps the evening feel like less work-drudgery.

    17. Eat by myself at a restaurant because I’m usually sick of being around people. I also love going out to eat by myself, it’s one of my favorite things to do and I usually find it easier to do while traveling.

    18. I have friends across countries I travel for business (friends or former colleagues) and I love catching up with them over dinner. If they are not available or I know nobody there, I happily go for dinner alone (especially if I had to socialize a lot during business hours). I am introvert who can enjoy nice food without talking and I do not feel any stigma of sitting/eating alone. I have a distinctive RBF, so strangers never approach or bother me. Also, in hip (and difficult to book) restaurants, they can always squeeze one person easily (even as a walk-in).

    19. Takeout and HGTV. By the end of the day, I am over social-ed and just need to hibernate.

    20. I’d gladly go to a restaurant by myself and sit at the bar with a book. Otherwise, if I’m in the sort of hotel with a kitchenette, I might pick up an easy skillet meal from a grocery store and eat in my room – having the end-of-day meal prep ritual is what I do at home, so I find it relaxing and then I have a bit more down-time alone.

    21. I usually put something on Facebook like “Do I have any friends in X city that want to meet for lunch on Wednesday?” If not, I find a local restaurant and sit at the bar. I usually play with my phone rather than read. Sometimes I might chat with the bartender or another business traveler eating alone at the bar. Sometimes not.

      I don’t do room service anymore. I don’t eat in my bedroom at home and I don’t want my room to smell like food. Plus room service is so expensive for often not very good food.

      I find that if I don’t force myself to get out of the hotel, I spend way more time working when traveling because I don’t have much else to do.

    22. Get takeout from a casual chain (like Sweetgreen or Nando’s) or something from Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s, as well as wine and lots of fizzy water. Enjoy in hotel room with trashy TV while doing a spa night (deep moisturizer on hair, body scrub, face mask, etc.).

      Hopefully exercise before, because I won’t after.

  11. Favorite spring/summertime sheets? Looking to spend $120 or less for a king set.

    1. Piggybacking, can anyone review Brooklinen? Several family members are raving about them and I can’t tell if its the marketing or are they really that good? DH and I have yet to find sheets we like better than $30 jersey sheets from Target (I know, I know).

      1. I tried their Classic Percale (not the one they are famous for) and they are nice but not out-of-this-world fabulous. If you are not picky about colors/patterns they often have stuff in the last-call section for you to try out.

    2. While a bit more, check out Lands End linen sheets – $167 for King set. Very good value. We like ours.

      2. Vintage wash? Ultra soft? Classic? Organic cotton? What do you prefer? So many choices!

        1. I’ve gotten various ones & liked them all/not been able to tell the difference- the package they come in is made out of the material inside, so you can get a feel for what you prefer.

    4. Target Threshold percale sheets. Cool in the summer, just wonderful all around. The Opalhouse percale are the same as far as I can tell and come in pretty patterns!

    5. I want to buy a new sheet set and use the top sheet only during the summer. I love my comforter but it’s way too warm in the spring and summer.

    7. We got some (probably fake) bamboo sheets from Amazon last spring. Whichever ones had good reviews for less than $60. They are so cool that we were able to bump up our thermostat by 2 degrees overnight.

  12. So… is it gross to wash pump parts in a shared sink when other people are in the room?
    At one of my office locations, I’ve been washing pump parts in the sink in the kitchenette because it is most convenient for me. Usually I’m the only one in there. This morning I did it while another person was in the room- didn’t think about it until afterwards. Is it rude/gross (especially to those without kids)? Or normal and I’m overthinking?
    Thanks!

      1. Agree, I wouldn’t think twice. *reast milk isn’t like mucus or other bodily fluid that shouldn’t be shared with others, it is someone’s food. It’s fine to wash in the sink.

    3. It is most definitely not rude to wash your pump parts in the kitchenette sink, regardless if there is anyone in there.

    5. Monday morning brain. I thought you were talking about shoes and my reaction was, yeah a little gross and definitely weird to take off your shoes and wash them at work. Lol

    6. I re-read your comment a couple of times because I thought you were talking about washing shoes. Hello, it’s Monday.
      I wouldn’t think twice about what you’re doing if I saw it. It’s not gross at all and if anyone thinks it is it’s definitely their problem, not yours.

    7. Not rude but also not necessary to wash more than once a day. Just pop them in a ziploc bag in the fridge until you need them at the next session.

      1. +1 This is why I bought a minifridge for my office when I returned to work after my youngest. Six years later and I love having my own stash of sparkling water nearby.

        1. Another vote for the minifridge if you have space for it. Only have to wash the pump parts once a day, and your own beverages always in reach, even after bfing is over!

  13. What’s the best way to budget for trips? I’m a former fed gov’t employee and thought I could use their per diem rates, but I know that it some (HCOL) areas, that is dependent on getting the government rate with travel orders. Is there another way to do this? Thanks!

    1. Like, for fun? Usually I just figure out how much I can save, and then see what fits the budget. For big trips, like my dream Safari, I’ve figured out how much it will cost by pricing it out, adding a bunch, and then I’m saving for it when I can. I don’t travel like a federal government employee on business travel and rarely in the US and I also spend money on activities and shopping so to me it makes zero sense to even consider that per diem rate.

      1. +1, a per diem reimbursement for business travel has no bearing on my travel for fun.

        Take a look at average flight costs, check rates at hotels/rentals in your preferred area, and consider how much you like to splurge on food, activities, or shopping, then plan accordingly.

        Rough ballpark including travel, for living comfortably but not extravagantly (by DINK standards…) about a week in Europe or 10 days in the Caribbean will run us $5-6K. But you can do it for a lot less or a lot more…

        1. +1
          I make an itinerary spreadsheet that will add up my estimates for: airfare, hotel, food, ground transportation, and activities. A typical European vacation with shared hotel cost tends to run 2K per person for me (unless it’s Switzerland where it’s 1.5 to 2x as expensive).

          For example, this is the breakdown for my 10 day trip to Spain:
          Airfare from east coast: 600
          Split hotel cost with friend: 400
          Transportation within Spain including two domestic flights: 200
          Food: 230
          Food tour, attraction entrance fees, flamenco, spa, etc: 250
          Grand total: 1680

      2. For fun travel, I figure out the cost of airfare, hotel/AirBnB, and other transportation (train tickets, car rental, Uber/cab from airport to hotel) by looking at general rates and seeing if I can use points. If there’s a very expensive, must-do activity at the destination, I add that in too–so if I were going to NYC to see Hamilton, I’d add in the cost of those tickets. Then I budget a “per diem” for regular activities and food/drinks. That per diem has nothing to do with a government per diem. For example, for a trip to Hawaii next year, I’m budgeting a per diem of $300 per day for 2 people.

  14. Question for those of you who found the person you want to spend your life with: how did you know he/she is the “one” for you?

    I struggle with trusting my instincts in this regard because I’m aware that I have a tendency to fall hard for “bad boy” types that I have never really been able to handle. Five years of online dating has lead to the conclusion I have a thing for people who act a bit aloof and unpredictable (yes, I’m in therapy unravelling the five million reasons why), but are in fact people with good values who are super into me. It’s a hard combination!

    1. If you’re against anything religious then kindly ignore – I realized that this advice rings true for my partner while it didn’t for past partners and it really reinforces to me that he is the one. It sounds cheesy but I took out the word “love” in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 and placed his name there instead. The sentences are still “true.” He is patient, kind, is not self seeking, is not easily angered, etc.

      1. Aww… that is so sweet! My darling husband definitely passes this test, too!

        OP, my short answer is that this relationship is easy and makes me feel good, as opposed to my previous bad relationships that were hard and made me feel bad. Who knew? ;)

      2. The Toast once did this as a joke post replacing “love” with Tim and my friend/coworker and I printed it out and gave it our other coworker named Tim. It was a highlight of my time at that job.

    2. When I imagined my life without my partner, I thought “I don’t know what I would do without her.” I have never felt that way about any other person. I have thought “I’d be sad without this person but I’d move on.”

    3. I’m one of those people who just knew. Sat across the table from him on our first date and just… knew.

      Now, I used to date crummy men, but this was a result of having a lot of people tell me that my instincts were wrong. Eventually, I learned that my instincts are not only good, but freakishly good – so long as I listen to them and not other people’s wishful thinking.

      1. YES how many times did I feel like something was off with a guy but I kept dating him because my friends told me I was being too hard on him? Only to find out months down the road that I was right all along. Can we please stop telling women to give these guys endless chances???

      2. +1 “just knew” on our second date. It’s not really helpful, I know, but I just had that feeling.

    4. My husband is kind, trustworthy, reliable, grounds me, supports me and is the teammate I can count on 100%. Also, disregard if you don’t want kids- but if you do want kids, something I didn’t realize before I had kids is that you want someone that will be a good partner in parenting- some dudes I know are just trash at this (and some are wonderful). I’m pretty sure if my husband were a bad partner in parenting with me, it’s the one thing that would have led to animosity and divorce.

      1. Any tips for figuring out who will be a good parenting partner? Obliviously, I want someone who is an equal partner around the house, but I feel like that doesn’t tell you if they will be an equal parent and doesn’t address all the other aspect that make a good parenting partner

        1. I think doing a lot around the house is a good sign, and particularly displaying no hesitation to take on traditional ‘female’ tasks like cooking and cleaning. My husband has always been happy to do that stuff, whereas a lot of my friends husbands will do a fair amount around the house, but gravitate towards more traditionally male things like mowing the lawn or doing handyman stuff. The reality is that when you first become parents, a lot of the “honey-do” tasks get outsourced or get ignored. At the end of the day, you have to eat and you have to take care of the baby and pretty much everything else can slide for a while. If he can’t/won’t cook and you’re nursing and have to be with the baby a lot, that’s a recipe for him not pulling his weight.
          And just talk about how you’ll break down parenting tasks – will you both get up at middle of the night feedings, or trade off? Or does he expect you to do it all? If you’re nursing and doing the majority of the feeding, what other tasks will he take on? Does he see you dividing daycare pick-up/drop-offs equally? If not, what else will do to pull his parenting weight? Will he take a paternity leave? How long? (I realize that is employer-dependent, but I’d definitely balk at a dude if he didn’t want to take all of his paid leave.)

        2. It’s good to talk about stuff like division of labor in advance, but there’s really no way to know what the issues are going to be until you’re in it. So I’d look to the person’s general character. How do they handle stress? How do they communicate about difficult topics? How do the two of you manage when you disagree on something important? Are they able to take constructive feedback from you? Are they able to give you feedback in a kind and constructive way? Are they generally responsible? Flexible? Able to put the needs of others before themselves?

        3. Division of labor on household tasks can be a good indicator. Is he a patient person? Kids need patience. Can he cook, keep a reasonable clean apartment etc?

          We also had express discussions on parenting views – e.g. I would not marry someone who thought corporal punishment was okay.

          We also had express discussions about my career and his. He planned to take time off after kids as well and accepted that my career growth was important to me.

    5. For me, it was easy to be with him. Of course, there is a lot to what this means–I never really got tired of being around him, we never fought over stupid things (we do have disagreements, but not fights like I had with other men), he treats me well, we have the same goals and want the same things, he demonstrated that he will always be supportive and be there for me, we have interesting conversations, we have fun together, etc. I had some of these things with other boyfriends, but not in the same way. The difference is how easy this felt. (I was drawn to bad boys too–and always had fun with them. But it was not easy to be with them.)

      1. +1. A friend said to me once (when I was basically a hermit on celibate mountain), “the thing that will be different is that it will be easy.” She nailed it.

    6. My heart just felt “complete” with him. With past relationships, while I really liked the person, my heart always wanted to wander and I always wondered what else was out there. With him, I never felt the urge to wander or explore other possibilities.

      I also thought ” He makes me a better person, but also, I am the best woman for him and can make him a better person as well”. With past relationships, I never felt that I was the best woman for them and thought they could find someone else that they fit better with out there in the world.

    7. I knew my husband was “the one” when I realized two things: that he loved me just as I am and that I didn’t need to “prove” to him that I was worth his love, he just saw it in me and loved me, flaws and all. I’d spent most of my adult relationships believing that if I proved to a guy how great I was and why he should love me, he would. I actually pushed my husband away in the beginning because it freaked me out that I didn’t have to work so hard, but a good friend told me “you’re gonna miss out on the best guy you’ve ever met” and I got my act together.

  15. Has anyone ever gotten fillers for undereye skin? I can’t think of the best way to describe it, but as I get older, that area is getting sort of hollow and my fine lines are more noticeable.

    1. I haven’t gotten it but researched deeply into including a consultation at a plastic surgeon’s office. On one hand, depending on the filler (the one recommended by my doctor has a Hyaluronic acid base – think Juvaderm, that fades away over time and is pretty innocuous otherwise), you can have amazing results that give you years back. One strong sign of aging is a lower amount of fat in the face so undereye fillers can do wonders. On the other hand, especially depending on the type of filler, fillers can migrate (it shouldn’t with an experienced doctor but it might), create semi-permanent discoloration under the skin, severe bruising, busted capillary etc. There are so many plusses and cons, I’d speak to a plastic surgeon about it.

      My most serious recommendation is to get a PLASTIC SURGEON to do it that specializes in face plastic surgery (some only do body work but do fillers on the side – don’t go to this person, go to the person that does facial plastic surgery). You need someone that is intimately familiar with working with the face and the delicate skin under the eye and you don’t want a technician doing it – the risk of temporarily screwing up your face is too great.

      2. I didn’t ultimately get it but the length of time that it lasts greatly depends on the filler used. Cost in my area (major city with middle to high cost of living) about $400, would repeat as needed, typically every 3 to 6 mths – some types of filler last a lot longer.

  16. I would like to buy a good set of knives. We do a lot of cooking and our knives are pretty old at this point. Any suggestions? Even better if I can get it from Macys because we have a bunch of gift cards from there.

    We have one knife from a company called Cutco — our real estate agent gave it to us years ago, and it’s by far the best knife I have used. Is it worth investing in a set? It’s pretty pricey but it is worth it?

    1. Macy’s doesn’t sell Cutco knives.
      Cutco knives are good, and I like all the ones I’ve bought, too. I think Costco sells them sometimes but they’re usually only through “authorized sellers” like MLM or pyramid or whatever.

      1. It’s not pyramid or MLM because the sellers are not trying to recruit other sellers. You don’t get a cut from having a downline—there is no downline. It’s just old school selling.

        1. OK. All I know about Cutco I learned from a young in-law who had selling ’em as her first job until her boss/regional dude got picked up for dealing cocaine on the side, and was fired, and she lost her job, too, but still likes the knives and gifts them to us.

          Thank you, authorized Cutco salesperson!

    2. I would not buy a set but instead by a few nice individual knives. A set typically comes with a bunch of stuff you don’t use on a regular basis. Start with a nice chefs knife (8″ is good), I am partial to Japanese knives and I find they get sharper and hold an edge longer, but they can also be a little fragile. Shun, Global, and MAC are good brands. Cutco is sold through MLM, so I’d personally avoid that.

      1. +1 Don’t buy a set. Figure out what knives you want and buy them individually. You can buy an empty knife block (if that’s what you want_ and fill it up with what you’ll use. Wusthof is another known brand.

      2. Chefs knife, paring knife, serrated bread knife, knife block, sharpener, and honing tool. That’s all you genuinely need. I cook a lot, cook most anything, and worked in restaurant kitchens in my earlier years. What I listed above has served me well for years. I own no other knives except steak knives and a cheap knife used to open boxes and packages. All are Henckel except the bread knife which is just some random knife that I may or may not have made off with from my mother’s kitchen when I was a student. Keep them sharpened! If you let them get very dull you will need to send them to a professional to be sharpened. You can start with just the chefs knife, sharpener, and honing tool.

      3. +1 to not buying a set for the reasons the others have said, and +1 to Global

    3. I would get a set like Henckels or Wustof… well actually I wouldn’t get a set. Sets seem like good deals but they come with a lot of crap you don’t need.

      I’d get a very good chef’s knife, the best you can afford, and then fill in your knife block from there. I would add a serrated knife for bread and tomatoes, and a very sharp but inexpensive paring knife. Neither of these two need to be expensive or need to match your chef’s knife. If you serve roasts or the thanksgiving turkey you’ll probably need a carving knife at some point. Maybe a midsized utility knife … but I’d really start with a chef’s knife, a serrated knife, and a paring knife and then see what you need from that point forward.

      1. +1 to getting individual knives rather than a set. I love my Wustof knives. I have a chef’s knife, two paring knives, a bread knife, and a carving knife.

    4. My tip is not to buy a “set” of knives. Figure out the five knives you use most (for me, chef’s knife, santoku, serrated bread knife, boning knife and parer) and try out knives in each category until you find the best fit for your hand. For me, the best chef’s knife came from Wusthof (Grand Prix), the santoku from Global, the bread knife from Wusthof (Classic), the boning knife from Sabatier and parers (I need two a lot of times to avoid washing dishes in the middle of prep) from Global and this shop in Antibes recommended by a cooking instructor from cooking programme I did (microserrated parer). The Hubs has other favorites and we keep them in a shared block (also from HomeGoods).

      I have had luck getting knives from HomeGoods on deep discount, from Chef’s Catalog during one of their periodic promotions, or from a local cooking store that does promos with Wusthof a couple times a year (e.g. take a cooking class on deboning a chicken and cooking that chicken; includes multi-course dinner of what you cook (with wine!), two quarts of stock to take home and a chef’s knife for $150). Wusthof has an outlet in Norwalk, Connecticut and the parental units stop there to pick items up for me if they happen to be near there to see friends. Sabatier Outlet on-line has good prices.

    5. Cutco knives are absolute trash in the world of real knives. I had a cousin who sold them for years and we always had to sit through the sales pitch at family events. They are basically very sharp hack saws and once they become not sharp they can’t be maintained the way a well-made knife can.

      Don’t buy a set; figure out what functions you actually need a knife to perform and then buy a few knives that address those needs. Of what Macy’s stocks, I would get Henckels or Wusthofs. Both are well made and can be used basically forever if you maintain them. Shun is slightly more expensive, but also very good. If it’s possible to play around with some of them before you buy, do it so you can figure out which brand is best balanced for your body.

      1. “They are basically very sharp hack saws and once they become not sharp they can’t be maintained the way a well-made knife can.”

        If you sat through presentations, you should be aware that the company will sharpen them for free for the life of the knife.

        1. Yes, but there’s a reason they want you to go back to Cutco to sharpen them. They don’t actually hone the edge – just essentially grind the knife down and so it changes the shape – and the balance – a bit. Other (reputable) knife sharpening places won’t usually help you with them.

          To the question below, I have a steel that I use from time to time, but mostly I am lazier about it than I should be and I have my knives professionally sharpened when they get more dull than I can correct with a bit of honing. I probably take my most-used knives in once a year. I’m in a major city and there are lots of independent cooking stores and knife specialists who will do the sharpening and the price is generally quite low (few dollars a knife if I remember correctly).

          1. “Yes, but there’s a reason they want you to go back to Cutco to sharpen them. They don’t actually hone the edge – just essentially grind the knife down and so it changes the shape – and the balance – a bit. Other (reputable) knife sharpening places won’t usually help you with them.”

            No, it’s because they have an edge that is sort of serrated. Normally, serrated knives are thrown out, not sharpened. Cutco re-does the edge. “Reputable knife sharpening places” don’t touch them because they don’t have the tools to do it, not because it throws off the balance.

            At least know what you’re talking about. If you don’t like a brand, that’s fine, but don’t lie out your bum.

      2. How do you maintain your knives? Do you sharpen them yourselves? With stones, or what? Or did you find someone in your area who can sharpen them for you? How often?

        1. Ooh I am happy to have an opportunity to recommend KnifeAid. You tell them what you want sharpened and pay a set price – around $10 per knife. They send you an envelope and knife sheaths, you send your knives in postage already paid, and they send back sharp knives. I do not work there, just very happy with my experience.

          I had a small issue with the tape they used to close the sheaths to send my knives back and I let them know, and they were super super responsive and have now switched the kind of tape they use. (It was too sticky.) This is partly why I’m happy to have a chance to give them a shout out.

          http://knifeaid.com/

          1. Thank you!! I’m actually dating a chef right now, and he rehabilitated my chef’s knife and paring knife (hadn’t sharpened it since I got it years ago…) and now maintains them for me every few weeks when he’s sharpening his own knives. Not that I would continue dating him forever just for this perk, but I have wondered what to do about the knife situation if anything ever did happen between us, now that I’ve gotten used to super sharp knives. The process is messy and requires practice, so I don’t have much interest in learning to do it myself!

    7. I have a mix of knives but my favorites are pretty inexpensive ones from Victorinox. Regardless of brand or style, the key thing for me is getting them professionally sharpened. I get them done about every three months.

      1. +1 for Victorinox Fibrox. They hit the sweet spot of quality and value. You can buy better, but there’s good reason these are in tons of restaurant kitchens.

    8. Multiple members of our family have found the Cutco knives to be dangerous and difficult to use. I would go with Wusthof or Henckels and have them sharpened regularly. You can start with a chef’s knife and a paring knife. Good add-ons are a bread knife and a small serrated knife such as a tomato knife. A slicer is nice for turkey and roasts.

    9. The Wusthof Classic knives I have are very nice, would highly recommend. I bought some open stock – chef, santoku, paring, and a tomato knife and that covers everything I need.

  17. Are these comments all deja vu for any other regular readers? Not only do we discuss fit of MM LeFleur ad nauseum, and the best sheets, we’ve discussed it all in the past few weeks. Weird.

    1. Yes. The difficulty with searching the comments is part of it, and the fact that not everyone is a regular reader. I’ve been reading since Kat was a “we” and I don’t think the repetition is particularly recent.

      1. I’m going to make a trip to Walgreens for those, but does anyone know which stores have the most stylish shrugs for the office?

      2. Those are like so 2016. Now you need ankle fleece tights and booties to go with your professional water bottle.

      1. I hope so, since seeing the RBG biopic I’ve been ponytail mad.

    4. The MM LeFleur comments are so common that I am starting to suspect that they might not be as innocuous as we think they are. It’s one thing if comments about MM LeFleur pop up once or twice a month, but I am seeing them pop up so frequently that it’s odd. I don’t browse this site everyday, but when I do catch up, I usually catch up on a week or two weeks’ worth of comments.

  18. Has anyone taken a driving refresher course? I got my license 20 years ago but have lived in cities for the last 15 years and very rarely drive. I am now moving to an area where I will need to drive. More than driving, I am nervous about parking — particularly parallel parking. Is it worth taking a refresher course?

    1. I haven’t taken a refresher course but I just want to say that I live in suburbia and can’t parallel park at all (I learned in high school but quickly forgot because I never did it). It’s annoying sometimes, but not a big deal overall and definitely not a safety issue.

    2. Yes. I have to take safe driving classes regularly as part of my job at an engineering firm and I regularly find them helpful. Ask your insurance company. You might get an insurance discount, too!

    3. I mean, it may not hurt, but I also found that with parallel parking, the more you use it, the easier it gets. i didn’t do much parallel parking for the first 5-6 years i had my license, but then moved into the city and had to street park my car, so was using it a bunch. Once I got the swing of it again, it was much easier. So maybe go to a parking lot and set up some cones and try for a while, or find where they do the parallel parking tests for the DMV and practice on that?

    4. You can, but might not need to. I changed to a car-only job after years of taking public transportation and the occasional zipcar for the weekend. My first attempts at parallel parking were…not good. But honestly after a few weeks I got wayyy better at it (and no cars were harmed in the meantime, I just either picked an easy spot or had to try multiple times). I did watch a free youtube refresher video on parallel parking that I found helpful, then tried to apply the theory to practice. If it’s just parking, I don’t think it’s worth it, but if you are really nervous about driving generally you might be happier with a refresher course.

    5. You can check AAA in your area for driver courses. I don’t think it hurts to refresh your skills and many insurance companies will give you a discount for doing this.

    6. I recently had to redo my driver’s license because of moving countries, and practiced parallel parking just for that purpose. In the end, they didn’t test it, of course…
      I found a lot of different explanatory videos on YouTube, with slightly different approaches. I picked the one that made the most sense to me, practiced the three steps and that was it.

    7. I find that it’s a million times easier with a backup camera. You may not need a course if you haven’t tried it yet.

  19. Where can I go to get a zipper on a purse repaired? It’s a Ted Baker tote and expensive, but the zipper doesn’t work anymore. I’m in DC, if anyone has a local recommendation. Thanks.

    1. I’m not in DC, so I can’t recommend a specific place, but a good shoemaker/shoe repair person should be able to do this for you. These folks are few and far between, though, so I wish you luck in finding someone though in DC, you may have more options than in a smaller city.

  20. I posed a few weeks ago about my boyfriend being investigated for sexual assault and how I was questioning if he told me the whole story.
    The prosecutor declined to press charges. Looks like he did tell me everything and the prosecutor agreed there was no case there. I feel bad for doubting, but I was trying to make sense of the situation. Happy to put it behind us.

    1. You might consider whether you’ve really put it behind you. It’s a pretty traumatic thing to hear/process and you are having some lingering emotions about it. Maybe a couple counseling sessions?

      1. I’m going to disagree with you here, Anonmyous – if I was accused of something I didn’t do, and then cleared, and my boyfriend suggested we go to couples counseling to continue to work through the thing I didn’t do, I would be very hurt by that. Like he still didn’t believe me or trust me.

        If you find you are still having lingering emotions, I think that’s something to work through with a therapist on your own.

        1. A prosecutor’s decision not to press charges does not mean her boyfriend was “cleared.” This is like all the Republicans saying the Mueller report “exonerated” Trump. Just because there weren’t crimes provable beyond a reasonable doubt doesn’t mean nothing happened. In the boyfriend’s case there may also be a statute of limitations in play. As many people noted on the other thread, it takes more than nothing to get interviewed by a detective and for a detective to turn the case over to a prosecutor. That would be highly unusual, to say the least, if what the boyfriend told her was 100% true (that he kissed a girl who didn’t want to be kissed, and stopped when she told him to stop).

    2. Z, I’m happy to hear it went well. Also want to say – what you had was a normal healthy reaction to an important issue. It’s always good to question everything, esp. in matters like these. This is called critical reasoning! Good skill to have.

      From wikipedia: Critical thinking has been variously defined as follows: “The process of actively and skillfully conceptualizing, applying, analyzing, synthesizing, and evaluating information to reach an answer or conclusion” “Disciplined thinking that is clear, rational, open-minded, and informed by evidence”

  21. Any ideas on where to buy a dress to wear to a wedding (or other social occasions, just not work) that either comes in tall sizes or is longer but not a midi dress? Or would a midi dress work? I worry the proportions would be off. I would like to spend under $100 if possible. I’m 6′ tall and usually look for around 41″ in length for work dresses, so this could be a tad shorter, but not much.

    1. Banana Republic adjusts all of the proportions in their dresses, so the waists actually fall in the right place and you don’t get that dreaded butt-in-the-middle-of-your-back look. I usually start there and see if I like anything.

    2. I’m tallish (5’9″) and i think I get what you are saying about the midi length, like you are worried it will look like it was supposed to be ankle or floor length but it is too short on your. Do I have that right? I would just get a dress of a longer length and have it hemmed to where you want it. Knee length is flattering on many people. Hems are easy and you can probably get it done at the dry cleaners.

  22. What personal grooming do you do in private from your significant other? I only pluck eyebrows hairs if my spouse is around not chin or upper lip. Also, do you hide things like creams/lotions like Vagicial?

    1. I don’t hide anything. If you’re going to have kids, he’s going to see a lot worse than itch cream.

    2. I want privacy for plucking, shaving, mask-ing, messing with feet, coloring hair including eyebrows, and struggling into shapewear or hose. All “feminine products” are out of sight.
      When I was seeing someone long distance, I’d put out on the hotel bathroom counter only a hairbrush, perfume, and lipstick. All else was tucked away.
      Sometimes I wish I were more the let-it-all-hang-out type!

        1. Nope but I was older than he was and tried to keep up a little deception for a while.
          Silly, I know, but a last vanity.

    3. We’ve been married for 15 years, 3 kids. Last night I had to remind him to please close the door to the toilet room that is separate from our sink/shower/tub space. Because he was… stinking it up.
      He’s seen my uterus during my c-sections. I wish his underpants. Why hide anything. Oh yeah, the mystery….

    4. We have been married for 15 years and had a child together – nothing to hide here.

    5. I do EVERYTHING in front of my spouse. I didn’t use to go #2, but after having 2 kids even that we have an audience doing now!
      I grew up in a family that does everything in front of everyone, my husband didn’t, but has seemed to be zero affected by going over to the dark side, lol.

    7. I’m surprised by these responses. I guess I’m not “hiding” things from him but I prefer a little privacy and alone time during certain tasks….maybe it’s my anxiety.

      2. Me too. I figure this season of getting to go to the bathroom alone won’t last if we have kids, so I’m going to enjoy it now, tyvm.

    8. It differs a lot. I want privacy for any plucking. He is 100% uptight about using the toilet in front of each other. I leave feminine hygiene products out when I’m using them, and when I put them away it serves as the signal of renewed gardening season.

      1. That never stopped my ex. Sheketovits was ready to go gardening every day. The big problem there was that he was only able to go for a minute or two, and sometimes stopped well before I was able to even recoginize what he was doing! What a yutz!

    9. I make him leave for everything involving blades or sharp objects (like tweezing), because he is a loud ADD squirrel who will pound rhythmically on counters and generally make a ruckus that will scare me half to death and cause me to cut or stab myself.

    10. I do my personal grooming in the bathroom by myself and do prefer privacy. My tampons, etc. are all sitting out in in the open on the bathroom shelving though, and I whined and complained like a total child about my recent yeast infection. But I handle all the cream and whatever in the bathroom by myself.

    11. I don’t hide anything from my husband, and same with him. I can’t imagine it any other way – sounds exhausting.

  23. I need some advice on how to transition my baby (just turned 3 months) out of a swaddle at night. He isn’t rolling yet, but I know that’s coming soon. We tried the Magic Merlin, but it didn’t work for him.

    What else have people used or done to make a smooth transition? He still startles himself awake. Thanks in advance!!!

    2. Yep, we used this – one arm at a time. Woombie has a similar one where it snaps open at the arms as opposed to zipping off. If you’re using a muslin or another DIY, you can just wrap with one arm out. It’s not a great process no matter what, though.

    3. I swaddled my kids with a muslin blanket, not any of the fancy swaddle contraptions. As they grew older, I would start the swaddle down lower until their elbows were exposed. Then I would leave their arms out for a few weeks until I transitioned to a sleep sack. This was FAR easier to do at nap time than at night and if we had a rough night, I would just revert to a swaddle.

    4. I loved Halo sleepsacks. My 2.5 year old is still in the largest size one. Start with the Halo with the “wings” and leave one arm out, then both. Then get the ones without wings at all (though as long as he fits, you can use the winged one – just wrap under his arms and secure).

    5. To be perfectly clear (and to make you feel better that you’re doing all you can do as a parent), you may find that none of these ideas work. You try all these different methods because it feels like you might be in control of the situation. But your little guy just has to grow and mature. If swaddling works, I’d keep to it until it doesn’t work any longer. Unless you’re wrapping him crazy tight, the little guy will worm his way out of the swaddle when he’s ready. I would never stop a practice that is effective, so long as it isn’t harmful.

      For my own experience, the only way we were able to get either of my girls to sleep at that age was a fisher price rock and play. I think my old DD’s head got a little misshapened for a while because of it, but she’s 6 now and looks normal. My younger DD did not get a misshapen head, but I think she probably slept in bed with me more than older DD at that age bc I was exhausted and she’d fall asleep on the boppy and didn’t get put back down to sleep.

      Good luck making it through!

  24. I am an extremely pro-active person at work, but it only seems to be “rewarded” by giving me more work. My company constantly hires outside consultants that don’t perform, and then their job is pawned off on me. Last week I was asked to complete a project that the consultant got paid 3 million dollars to do. How do I transition into a more senior level role and pay? I have had conversations with my superior about it, who is open to it but it never seems to materialize.

    1. Yeah, Been there, done that… and stopped waiting for the management to do the right thing…. Got shocked first, depressed next… Then changed my mindset from stagnant mindset to growth mindset.

      Became my own advocate, and started working smartly instead of hard. Found what kind of work gets rewarded, asked for that and showed how awesome I was. Bragged about my work and what difference it has made. And networked by meeting senior managers & execs for coffee. Asked my manager what it would take to get the best possible performance appraisal – and showed them that I deserved it and got that coveted appraisal. Started applying for next level internal positions.. This last step has worked for many other women as it panicked their manager to give them the next level position.. I moved out of my old group as there was no room to grow there and found another senior level position somewhere else within same company.

      Hustle! You can do it! Plenty of women+Career books out there. check them out, use your brilliant brain for yourself to advance in your career.

    2. Oh girl this happened to me and I was so mad! The consultants sold their close connections and access to industry data, and then came to me for data because it turns out they had zero access to data and I do have it due to several boards and committees I serve on. It was so disgusting, how smoothly they lied, and how they got paid millions of dollars of present conclusions that I had been telling everyone for ages. Some of their bullet points were literal, uncredited, quotes from me.

      I don’t know what to say – commiseration I guess. Companies are always looking to validate their moves by getting an “outside” opinion. Boards love that stuff.

    3. First of all, update your resume and start having conversations to get an idea of opportunities in the market.

      Secondly, management usually expects their employees to finish and implement projects consultants start (it’s cheaper). Check on expectations for this when you start to get involved so it’s not a surprise.

  25. How much cash would you keep as an emergency fund in this situation? HHI ~180k, we own our home outright so biggest bill is $2k/month for childcare. We can cover regular monthly bills (daycare, food, utilities) without my salary and DH has essentially guaranteed job security (tenured professor). In the event of major unexpected bills, like a medical bill or house repair bill, we could adjust our retirement contributions and get access to an additional $6k/month starting at the next paycheck. Because of all these facts I’m comfortable keeping an emergency fund that’s lower than what’s typically advised, maybe around $10k. Am I really off base here?

    1. I think 10K is very reasonable in your situation, particularly given what you’re currently putting into retirement.

    2. I like to have 6m-1yr of total expenses personally (so min just for childcare would be $12k-$24k).
      We got burned once (even with very secure jobs), and that helps me sleep at night and gives us flexibility when decisions need to be made.

    3. That’s probably okay, but I’d make it $20K or even $30K so you don’t have to touch retirement in case of a huge medical bill (or worse, a huge medical bill and a concurrent huge house bill or something). Reducing your retirement contributions will increase your tax liability and should probably be a last resort. You can put $20K in an online savings account and get 2.3% interest right now, which isn’t bad.

      1. Well we reduce them now to save more cash right now, or we reduce them (temporarily) later when we need more money. It’s the same net reduction, so that doesn’t really make sense to me. Also, fwiw, most of our retirement contributions are Roth, so they don’t much impact on our tax liability.

        1. not really the same – you’re giving up compound interest for your retirement if you reduce retirement contributions now to save more cash now.

    4. Do you have any other funds that are not either retirement or invested in the market? If not, I would want a bigger emergency fund.

      Personally, I would look at what my biggest emergency expenses might be. House emergency? Need a new car? Etc. any I would want enough to cover those expenses, which could easily be more in the 20-30k range

  26. How do you deal with feeling like everyone else around you has gotten what you want but you haven’t? I deeply, deeply want to get married and have babies, but I have been so unlucky in dating that I can’t even find someone to have a short term relationship with. It feels like everyone I know (coworkers, friends, strangers on the internet) is getting married or having a baby and I’m just…not.

    I try to be happy for these people, and I am, and I know that everyone runs their own race and blah blah…but at the same time I feel like the things I want the most are never going to happen to me and that’s really upsetting and sad.

    I just feel like life is passing me by and that I’m slowly aging out of the years where this is a potentiality and into the years where I’m going to be solidly single with no chance of having my own baby.

    :(

    1. I’m 35 and single, planning to try for a baby on my own at 38. I just try and keep an open mind. I don’t know how life will turn out, none of us do, so I just do what I can.

    2. I don’t have any advice but I am in the EXACT same boat (like could have written this post), so just know you are not the only one. Small consolation, I know, but hopefully consolation nonetheless.

      1. +2 – I’m also in the same boat. So commiseration?

        I think it’s okay to be upset and sad that you don’t have things in your life that you want. Not so upset that it takes over the rest of your life, but it’s okay to feel your feelings. Don’t feel like you have to deny or swallow these feelings.

        1. +3. I could have written this post word for word. I spent all day yesterday at a close friend’s bridal shower. I am so happy for her but on the way home I just cried. I feel like I am always giving to others — celebrating engagements, weddings, baby showers, listening to them gush about new relationships, travelling and spending money on bacherlorette parties and presents and weddings. And I’m just exhausted. And feel like it’s never going to be my turn. Or by the time it is, everyone will be so wrapped up in their own happy marriages and kids, that no one will care about me. Clearly it’s something I’ve been struggling with a lot recently. But know you are not alone. Although I don’t think that knowledge helps. It doesn’t help me. For me, I just feel like what’s the point? I wake up, work every day, and go home sad and alone. I have friends and activities that can be great, but it’s not enough. Maybe one day it will be.

          1. … did I black out and write this? Another anon chiming in to say you’re not alone.

          2. +1 feel exactly this. You can have friends and activities and whatever else, but that is not the same as having a partner to share your existence with.

      2. This could’ve easily been my post. I’m 2 1/2 years out from breaking up with a bf who I thought was the one and still miss having a partner, even though I’ve done a lot of work to be mostly over him specifically. Being single and in your late 30s just stinks.

    3. Hug? Hug?

      I thought, in the deepest part of my soul, that I would never find anyone. That was true until just before my 36th birthday, when I met my husband. There are a lot of women who don’t meet anyone until their thirties… and those years are just tough.

      The only advice I have is to let your friends (the ones with good judgement) know that you’re looking and open to fix-ups. It helps a lot to see that there’s good people out there whom you can have a nice date with, even if they aren’t the right one for you.

      More advice: a lot of dating advice is just plain bad. Even married women can give terrible dating advice. (This is why my dating advice is limited to “be open to fix-ups from your friends with good judgement.”) My love life got MARKEDLY better when I stopped ignoring the bad dating advice – as I put it above, when I listened to my own instincts and judgement instead of other people’s wishful thinking.

    4. Hugs. I don’t think you should just get past this feeling. Marriage and children are huge things that many people want but whether or not you get it isn’t entirely within your control. I always think of “run your own race” as being aimed at, for example, material things that you see others having and that you could also have if you’d made different choices. I think it’s totally normal to feel sad when you see everyone getting married and having children and that hasn’t happened for you yet.

    5. I feel the same way. I’ve found that I just need to continuously put myself out there and try new things, as a way of increasing my chances of meeting someone great. That, and working on myself like exercising, pursing a hobby, building relationships with friends and communities.

    6. I also feel this way. Sometimes I’m fine, and sometimes it’s like my heart is breaking. It can be hard to spend time with friends who seem to have everything I want, especially because we have less in common as their lives revolve around their kids now.

      I agree with the advice above about continuing to put yourself out there. I am extremely picky about who I’ll meet from online, but by the time they get through my tough filters, they are usually at least decent guys, even if we don’t totally click. Though I haven’t found anyone yet, I do feel a bit better going out with people as a reminder that tons of other people are in the same boat and just trying to meet someone.

      I also had to distance myself a bit from friends who are blissfully happy with marriages and family. Not completely, but just some breathing room. They’re obviously not getting married and having kids AT me, but it can still feel that way.

      I totally get the feeling of life passing you by. It’s the worst. But I’ve noticed I don’t feel that way when I’m engaged in things that bring me joy, whether it’s strong friendships, activities, passion projects, or actively trying to date (okay, that doesn’t always bring joy, exactly, but it helps me feel a little better to know I’m making an effort. At least if I never meet anyone, at the end I can look back and know that I really tried.).

      Hang in there, and hugs to you!

    7. I feel the exact same way. I feel like I’m missing some key understanding that everybody else has. Like, I don’t know how to be a person that somebody would want to be in a relationship with.

      1. That is exactly how I feel. Like I missed the boat or never saw some key life instruction manual. It is so frustrating.

    8. I feel this way sometimes, but I remind myself that it could always be worse. I am single, but I am healthy. I don’t have a relationship, but I have had a successful career and a secure financial picture. Kids are not happening, but my distress level from current events can be minimized as a result and maybe I can retire sooner.

      It can always get worse. I spent the entire week of my 38th birthday sleeping next to my mother who has Alzheimer’s (actually not sleeping at all), taking her to the toilet 15x a night and fighting to keep her in the house (because she wanders and thinks she has to go all the time). No way in he!! is that where I expected to be at my age. But I can still be grateful for what I do have.

    1. I know. I just saw a video of the spire falling over. It’s so sad.

      I’ve heard that Paris has barely been able to afford regular maintenance. I know I’m probably taking this too far, but it just seems like one more symptom of our world’s biggest problem — wealth inequality and the fact that a very small portion of the world’s population hoards so much wealth and just wants to keep getting richer. I know the world wouldn’t be perfect if that weren’t the case, but it just seems like it could be so much better than it is.

      1. I really don’t understand this comment. France has taxes, and if they don’t have enough money to preserve important historic sites, they have a legislative process that should have handled this far before a tragedy like this occurred. Raise taxes if you need to raise taxes.
        But it’s not rich people’s fault that this important site is burning.

        1. The Church does not receive any government money to maintain Notre Dame afaik.

      2. Eh, there’s a lot less wealth inequality in France than in the US, so I’m not really sure what the relevance of this is.

      3. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

        This is a world famous building. My own cathedral – the cathedral parish I attend in a small city in a poor, rural state – is able to finance its renovations. If renovations on a famous and beloved cathedral had actually been delayed long enough for this to happen, it is gross mismanagement.

      4. The cathedral was under maintenance/ renovation. In the little bit that I’ve read, there’s speculation that the fire is related to the renovations, particularly the scaffolding around the building. It seems premature to say that the lack of maintenance caused the fire, when the opposite may be true. It’s a tragedy, whatever the cause.

    2. It’s so, so sad. I’m going to Paris in two weeks and was going to take my husband and toddler to see it. I’ve been before but they haven’t.

    4. I went to Paris about two years ago and immediately fell in love with the city. I can’t say that Notre Dame was my favorite part of Paris, but I did love that part of the city, and the church surrounded by the greenery, it was so pretty and I could see the now-fallen spire from my hotel room in the Latin quarter. When I heard of the fire I didn’t want to overreact, maybe it would be out in an hour before too much damage was done. To think that the spire is down, the roof collapsed, the entire inside is burning, so much of the artwork is gone, the rose window has been damaged, it’s just awful. This is heart breaking for me, my thoughts are with everyone in Paris watching such a beloved landmark burn, even if no one has been hurt.

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