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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. For me, springtime has come to mean “very light blue denim.” I feel like it avoids all the things people worry about with white denim — spotlighting cellulite, not being opaque, getting a dirty hue after a few washes (to say nothing of being a dirt magnet while you're wearing them) — while still being spring-y and light. There are a ton of light denim washes available right now, including these bestselling high-waisted skinny jeans from AG, which have a good number of sizes left for $225. (This very similar pair with more distressing is down to lucky sizes only — and if you're on the hunt for a more affordable option, check this pair or this pair, or for one in plus sizes, check out this pair. These flares feel really fresh, too.) Pictured. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 9.10.24
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Recommendations for cat water feeder that my cats can’t knock over and send flying across the room? I have tried regular gravity ones and even tried taping them to the floor but I always come home to a huge mess. My large cat stands on them. This is for travel so not really comfortable with one that has to be plugged in.
Cat feeder recommendation
The PetSafe Automatic feeder is a godsend. It is plugged in, but has a battery backup. It also sends alerts to your phone every time it feeds the cat–as well as an alert if something goes awry. I adore mine.
Dating Q
I am 34 and am dating a man who is 45. I don’t think our age difference is a big deal. I recently learned that he had started dating his last serious ex when he was 38 and she was 21. I know that their relationship had been very serious and lasted a number of years (they lived together, talked about marriage and kids), and I think he was deeply in love with her. These are all good things as far as I’m concerned – it would be weird if he hadn’t had recent serious relationships at his age. But for some reason the age difference bothers me. At my age, I cannot imagine dating a 21 year old, even the most mature one ever. I can’t help but question the judgment or character of the 38 year old in the situation.
Would you consider this a red flag? Or is it not really my business and not my place to judge (I’ve had some questionable exes myself)? How much should the past matter?
We had talked about the emotional aspects of our past relationships in detail previously, but not so much the details, and I just learned about the age thing inadvertently recently. I have not yet brought it up with him.
Anonymous
I think it’s gross, TBH.
Anonymous
This wouldn’t be a red flag to me. I could see myself dating a mature, interesting 21 year old. I am 34, my boyfriend is 38.
Anon
It would bother me. (For context, I am single, 36 and my current age “limit” for guys I date is 47.) I think there’s something about those early 20s ages that makes it seem just not quite okay to date someone significantly older (one could quibble about significant, but 38 is quite a ways from 21). If it’s the only flag, I don’t think it would be a deal breaker for me, though I can’t say for sure and would definitely be “on guard” for other related issues or flags. Do you know how they met? That might impact my thinking, but I’m not sure how or why, TBH.
nona
Eh – it’s not a string of 21 year olds. He didn’t break up with her because she aged out (right?). He didn’t trade her in for a younger model. It’s just new info for you, so will take more than a minute to reconcile, but it’s fine to be a bit weirded out.
I’d probably try to say something, just so it doesn’t fester. “I’m still have trouble wrapping my brain around dating someone half my age. Its hard to imagine what I’d have in common.”
Anon
It would be a red flag for me. If it was 38-25 I don’t think I’d be worried, but 21 is sooo young. I’d wonder how he even met someone that young.
Horse Crazy
Seriously? You don’t think 38 year olds and 21 year olds are ever in the same social settings?
Anon
Not really, no. When I was 21, I went to college classes, extracurriculars, my part-time campus job and frat parties, and I definitely didn’t meet 38 year olds in any of those settings, except professors, who definitely should not be getting romantically involved with their students. It’s fine if you don’t feel the same way, but this would be a red flag to me because 38 year olds were so far off my romantic radar (and that of my friends’) when I was 21.
Anon
As someone pointed out below, at 21, I was in college and I had far more in common with my 18 year old freshmen classmates than I did with grown 30-something men. I know not everyone goes to college, but most 21 year olds are really overgrown teenagers.
Anon
When I was 21, I had already graduated college, started law school, began attending professional networking events/fundraisers/galas, and saw my social circle increase to people of all ages and professional backgrounds. One of my closest friends is 10 years older than me. Of course, I don’t have a mortgage to relate to and she has wonderful career advice to give me, but we actually do have things in common. I’m in my mid-20s and have a casual relationship someone who is 11 years older than me. Often when I meet his friends, they assume I’m closer to his age due to my experiences, education, conversational skills, are over all awareness. I stopped going to frat parties when I was 19 because, news flash, some young women are aware of these stereotypes and would like to break them. I didn’t pay my way through college and law school, take unpaid Congressional internships, and maintain multiple, diverse positions while in law school for someone to think that if I’m in a room of people in their 30s, I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.
Meara
Actually I think this would affect my response a lot. Were they playing on the same ultimate frisbee team, or both in the stamp collectors club? Or did he pick her up in a bar or search online for 21 year olds? I’m 41, but thanks to some of my hobbies I have friends from 23-70! And while it would be unusual for me to want to date one who was far from my age, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility. In dating online, my minimum age is much higher than the age of one of my best friends. She’s 30, but when I think of dating a 30 year old that seems ridiculous. But my friend is awesome, and acts like a grandpa! So context matters.
Senior Attorney
If it’s a red flag to you, it’s a red flag. You are the one who gets to decide if this is a problem for you.
Certainly it’s worth a conversation at the very least.
Anon
Exactly! If it’s a problem for you, then it’s a proble. If not, then it’s fine. When I was 21 dating a 30 year old I didn’t see it as a problem, but that’s because he was manipulative and wanted to have the upper hand in a relationship. Why else would someone date someone so young?
Triangle Pose
Yes! It’s ultimately up to you OP but it is DEFINITELY really my business and your place to judge as a potential significant other.
Anon
38/2+7=26 so by that rule of thumb, she was too young for him. I know the rule seems silly but honestly it kind of makes sense. What on earth could a 21 year old have to offer a 38 year old other than a young body?
Worry about yourself
I was thoroughly creeped out when my old roommate dated a 20 year-old when he was 28, the idea of a 38 year-old dating a 21 year-old is really weird to me. That’s not just a big age difference, big age differences are fine in later years, but 21 and 38 is a HUGE stage of life difference! That’s a woman who’s either fresh out of college or still in school, dating a man who’s likely well into his career, with lots of life experience, thinking he should probably get going on marriage and kids if he wants that. At 21 I dated a guy who was 26 and even that had some challenges! And I’m 29, thinking about who I was at 21, and if a grown ash person in their 30’s wanted to date 21 year-old me, I’d have some questions about that person’s judgment and motivations, and also ask why he can’t find someone his own age to date?
I have a general dislike for men who only seem interested in the youngest possible women. They seemed to be everywhere in college, lusting after freshmen when they were seniors, or in some cases, in their mid 20’s going back for a graduate degree or second undergrad. I remember being at a party where this one guy (who, let’s be clear, I had zero interest in to begin with) was grumbling about how terrible his ex wife was, and then mentioned that he was only interested in 20 year-old girls. I never want to attend a party with that dude in attendance ever again, let alone hang with him in a smaller group of friends.
So I guess what I’m getting at is that this is definitely a red flag, trust your gut on this.
anon
I’d be concerned that he seems to have a pattern of dating much younger women.
Me
Your brain doesn’t stop maturing until your mid-twenties, so for most people that’s kind of where I draw the line. I think most 21 year olds are more likely to be able to relate to 17 year olds than 25 year olds (let alone 38!) because of their life experience, maturity, and level of responsibility. I’m in my early 30s, and I’ve taught late teens/early twenties students and the vast majority of them just aren’t THAT mature (even if some are mature for their age and can do well academically). I find it suspicious, at least.
Anonymous
Man, I don’t know what to say. I’m 19 and I met a 38 year old (probably?) guy in a professional setting. Almost a year later and I still haven’t gotten over my huge crush.
Anonnona
If it is a pattern, kinda strange. One person, nbd to me unless there are other strange details. I was definitely one of those college students who thought I was too hip for campus bars and parties once I turned 21, so I could see myself having dated someone that age then. Also, my best friend in grad school was almost 40 (I was 23). We didn’t date, but not because of the age gap.
Anonymous
I have an immediate reaction to this that a 38 y.o. should not mate a 21 y.o. But then I remember that at 21, just after college, I met and dated a 35 y.o. professional and it didn’t seem weird at all except when I focused specifically on it. He also dated women closer to his age. To this day it is one of my favorite relationships. It only ended because I moved away. And even then, we met up several times later, but I was already involved with someone new. If I hadn’t been, who knows?
Anon100
I’d call it a yellow flag, not necessarily a red flag. Like Meara said, did they meet through some sort of common activity – ultimate frisbee, volunteering group, some activist or political group, outdoors stuff, etc – or did they meet at a club/lounge? If it’s the former, it’s possible that they just really clicked, and that he wasn’t necessarily trolling for young women to date. *shrugs*
On the other hand, I (31) recently went on a date with a 35 year old man, and he said his last long-term relationship was with a woman who was ten years younger than himself (he was 32, she was 22). I have to admit that my eyebrows went straight up when I heard this… I was a bit weirded out, but it wasn’t any of the factors of why I didn’t continue to see this guy.
Anonymous
Would definitely need more details before I ruled it out. At 21, I had graduated college and was working at the job where I met my 39 year old boyfriend. I thought he was younger and he thought I was older, so we thought we were closer to 10 years apart when we discovered the issue. If he has a pattern of seeking out young women, or avoiding women his own age, I would be deeply concerned. But it is pretty fact specific.
K
IMO, you can’t imagine dating a 21 year old because 21 year old men do not tend to have the qualities that successful women are attracted to (gravitas, wealth, success, maturity, interesting anecdotes). For men, it’s different, 21 year old women can very well have the qualities that many men are attracted to (hotness, gentleness, femininity, adventurousness, nurturing). I don’t think it suggests anything negative about him at all that he had a long and loving relationship with a much younger woman.
Anonymous
Following up on a late comment on this morning’s thread. I’m not the OP, but in a similar situation to the poster who is being required to take call 24/7 and also has a chronic medical issue requiring medication during non-work hours that impair the ability to work. And then what do you do, do you not take medications in order to be available? And in addition, for me having my sleep disrupted so frequently also makes my medical condition worse.
Somebody suggested requesting a reasonable accommodation to not be on call and I had a follow-up question. What happens if the employer then turns around and says taking call is now an essential function of the job? Could having requested the accommodation then hurt you? Like, it’s an essential function of the job which you’ve now told us you are unable to do. I realize this is ultimately a question for a lawyer, but I’d really appreciate any ideas here.
(I’m a lawyer required to take call, FWIW, and I do actually get calls frequently – that’s a whole different post entirely. But I don’t practice employment law and I’m not comfortable asking this question to those in my office who do practice employment law yet.)
Anonymous
If you won’t ask a lawyer, get a new job. Nearly no law jobs require being on call. If you can’t do this job, get a new one.
Anon
The description is vague, so I few like she could be talking about biglaw. And I don’t see how biglaw is survivable if you can’t work outside of normal business hours ever; that’s just a huge part of the job. If that’s the type of situation, then, yeah, I think she just has to get a new job. It’s the expectation of the position
Anonymous
I’m a tall broad shouldered Apple in my early 30s. (think a pudgy Mr. Incredible.) I’m feeling meh about my wardrobe, work is business casual (black ankle pants and a top) and weekends are booties, skinny jeans and a checked shirt or jumper. What’s everyone wearing to feel fresh? For work I feel like I need some new third pieces maybe? I’ve picked up a new scarf but I’d like to shop my wardrobe.
NOLA
I’ve been buying light-colored jackets that work for me. I ordered denim jackets in a light peachy pink and mint green, and I’ve been wearing a light turquoise faux leather moto jacket. I also bought, for work, a pink tweed cardigan/jacket that I’ve already worn a lot. I feel very springy!
pugsnbourbon
I got a very simple pair of round-toe loafers to replace my beloved pointy flats. I’m LOVING them. Big combat boots are a classic that’s having a “moment” and I love stomping around in my docs.
Anonymous
I am taking my kids on a short trip to a great place they’ve never been to before (for a couple of days). No electronics are coming with us. Was told (by a grownup) that that is “cruel.” This was from a native English speaker. Who was not being sarcastic.
We are doomed as a species.
SC
Have fun and good luck!
Senior Attorney
Haha such a mean mom! ;)
S in Chicago
1. We are definitely doomed.
2. Can you take my husband with you so he can see that this is indeed a possible way to live for a day or two?
:)
anon
OMG, and are you separating them from their herd and inflicting your attentive company on them too! the horror!!!
Anon
I wonder if they meant it more as cruel to yourself because the kids will whine so much? If they meant it as being cruel to the kids, then I side eye that.
Anon
Good for you taking away the electronics for a family vacation. It’s absurd how addicted everyone has become (I include myself there) and I am so glad that a) smartphones didn’t exist when I was growing up and b) my parents had strict limits for other electronics.
egg salad
I’m a (baby) lawyer. I’m finishing a public interest legal fellowship and then moving across the country to start an appellate clerkship. I’m excited and grateful for the opportunity… and extremely worried about money. My fellowship salary just barely covered my expenses and loan payments and I’m not sure how best to finance a cross-country move. Considering either (1) moonlighting for the next few months (not sure what); (2) taking out a personal loan; (3) taking out a credit card and loading it up. I don’t have a ton of experience with (2) or (3), so any advice anyone could offer would be helpful. Parental assistance is not an option.
Anonymous
I would do everything to avoid option 3, so 1 ideally or 2 if necessary. I would think of any ways you could make extra money–waiting tables, house sitting, dog sitting, babysitting, working retail a few nights a week, tutoring, working for something like doordash (I know one person who does this and likes it but I don’t know much about it). Then think about how you want to do your move and how to save money doing it. Can you sell some of your stuff now or would you rather take everything with you, etc.?
SC
I’d moonlight if possible, since you won’t be able to pay off a loan or credit card quickly. Could you tutor or teach LSAT prep classes? Bar-tend in the evening? Pet sit, house sit, or babysit?
Look into cheap-ish moving options. Do you have a car? Do you have a lot of furniture or personal items? How much can you do yourself?
Anonymous
Personally, I’d do 3.
anon a mouse
I can’t tell from your post if you are worried about money just until you start the clerkship or in general. If this is a short-term issue, then a credit card with 0% interest is not a terrible option. Find one with a long term (12 or 15 months at least) and put yourself on a plan to pay it back. ONLY do this if you have the discipline to pay it back before the promo expires; if you still have a balance when the intro period expires they can retroactively charge you interest for the whole thing. And then, in general, you have to up your side hustle – summers are good because you can nanny/babysit, often for a few weeks here or there. Bartend. Wait tables. Tutor. Dog-sit.
Ellen
I would do #1, meet as many people as you can, and mabye find a guy to accompany you cross country and share living expenses. Date him, and If he is any good, and has financial stability, consider taking the next step. Once you are MARRIED, your financial worries will be OVER! YAY!!
Anon
Are your loans on income-based repayment? Im a little worried that you haven’t been able to save any money during your fellowship, unless this is an unusually low paying fellowship. I would take a look at your expenses and really evaluate what you can cut, cause it’s not like you are going to be making more next year as a clerk.
After taking that step, I would pick up a moonlighting gig. When you are moving will somewhat impact what you have available, but I would start by looking at LSAT teaching and catering
Anon
I can absolutely believe that a fellowship in a city pays just enough to cover expenses and not allow for savings. Especially if those expenses include student loans for law school.
Anonymous
Build up a balance, the transfer it to a zero interest card (like the Chasr Slate) for 15 months. I had an emergency and didn’t want to dip into savings and did this. Also moonlight.
dogs
I sound kind of nuts, but try MTurk to make some extra $ pretty mindlessly. I think you could easily hit $10/day, which is about 300/month for saving.
(not commenting on ethical issues, just availability).
Anon
Unfortunately you need to be careful whether your fellowship or the org housing your fellowship permits moonlighting or requires vetting it first with the org – due to the potential conflicts this is the case at many firms and nonprofits, even if the moonlighting is totally not lawyer work
Anon
If you had nothing planned for this weekend, what would you do?
Senior Attorney
I would rejoice mightily and spend the weekend watching TV and messing around the house.
And wine.
NOLA
Seriously. I love weekends when I have no plans. I clean, do laundry, SLEEP, read, knit, or just sit mindlessly with my laptop and the TV. But when I say no plans, I mean still having to get groceries, errands, sing at church, and probably having an extra rehearsal on Sunday evening.
Ribena (formerly Hermione)
Un-eff Your Habitat has a weekend programme that was shared by practicalselfcare on Twitter, so that – and watching the new season of The Bold Type.
Vicky Austin
Nest like hell in my new house (!), bake plenty of bread and goodies, and rewatch a bit of GOT season 7 before the finale drops on Sunday.
Alas the outside of the house needs love too, and husband is not a machine. So putting up fences it is.
anon
Read. I somehow missed out on reading Little Women and started it a week or so ago, and I’m really enjoying it. Unfortunately, I have about a million things to do this weekend.
Journo
+1!
I’m reading The Chronicles of Narnia series for the very first time. I didn’t read them as a child. Loving them! Magical and practical and beautiful.
Narnia
Exciting! I read these over and over again as a child and just started listening to the audio version with my 4 year old. It’s amazing how it comes right back to you!
Anon
Clean and sleep!
Anon
I’ve recently rediscovered the author Phillipa Gregory, so I would go on a well-written novel binge of her material set in the Plantagenet-Tudor era. (Instead of panic painting a guest bathroom that will be used by guests next weekend and which developed numerous mystery greasy stains on a wall Tuesday morning. It wasn’t me so that leaves the house cleaner, the husband, or the dogs. No one is admitting anything.)
Anonymous
White denim is worth the aggravation. I’m sitting here wearing white jeans with a navy and white striped mariniere top and pointy-toed leopard flats. The white denim gives a polish that light denim can’t.
Anon
Yup. Agree 100%. Light denim =/= white denim.
lydia
interesting, I hate white denim but love very light blue denim (like these jeans).
Lilly
I like your outfit! I love white pants of any kind for summer. It seems like nearly all of my summer tops look extra food with white.
Senior Attorney
I recently posted the famous Dear Sugar column about The Ghost Ship That Didn’t Carry Us, and I know there are a lot of Dear Sugar fans here.
PSA: If you are in the L.A. area, run, don’t walk to the Pasadena Playhouse to see Tiny Beautiful Things, which is a stage version of Dear Sugar columns (I know, sounds weird but it works) written by and starring Nia Vardalos of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Saw it last night and cried my eyes out in a good way. Really. It’s worth the trek to the Upper East Side!
Vicky Austin
That sounds just wonderful though!
CTAtty
Yes, I saw it in New Haven, CT recently and it was very good. Definitely a must-see for Dear Sugar fans.
Anon
What do you do when people send you documents to review at work and they’re consistently filled with grammatical errors? I don’t mean typos from being in a rush or anything like that, but consistent grammatical errors that demonstrate a lack of understanding of grammar. It’s taking a lot of my time to fix these errors, but it’s not as simple as “hey, you need to fix this” because I’m 99% sure these people don’t even know where the errors are. I’m not senior enough to recommend taking a class or anything like that so I’m not sure what I should do in the meantime.
Ribena (formerly Hermione)
Partly I re-evaluate whether they are errors that matter – generally by checking The Guardian’s style guide (I’m in the U.K. – find one in your country and go with it). For example, ‘whom’ is dying art and while I’ll remove it where it’s unwarranted I won’t add it in where I would use it.
anon
For me, it depends on the purpose of the document, the seniority of the person involved, and the materiality of the corrections. If I’m reviewing a press release, customer letter, web copy, internal document that will be widely used/circulated, etc., I suggest changes both in my professional lane (law) and outside my lane (so, grammar, spelling, consistent capitalization, word choice). If the corrections won’t save my organization from general embarrassment (and the document is clear, if terribly written, then I decide on a case-by-case basis if suggesting outside-my-lane changes are helpful and important.
FWIW, I feel your pain on this issue, and I’ve also been told something like “be less picky” by the executive leader over our department. I value well-presented writing, but not everyone does, so it’s a know your office thing.
Equestrian attorney
I met someone at a party last week and after discussing her experience, suggested she could be a good fit for a current opening at my company and told her a bit about it, then gave her my card. Since then, she’s been sending me a deluge of messages, including long and detailed requests for more information, asking me to read over her resume and cover letter, etc. I’m happy to help, but she seems to be assuming it’s basically a done deal, whereas I made it clear that I could put in a good word but wouldn’t be the final decision-maker and she needed to apply directly with HR (I sent her a link to the job posting). She follows up every email with a text message in the next three minutes asking if I received her email (I have, it’s the middle of the work day and I’m dealing with other things) and messaged me today to say she could “start on Monday” then sent me a detailed outline of what she would do once in the position. Um, no, HR hasn’t even received her application. Honestly this deluge of aggressive communication is turning me off, and after seeing her resume I’m not 100% sure she’s the right choice anyway. Any idea how to tactfully communicate this? Added twist is we are part of the same political advocacy group, so I’ll be seeing her again and don’t want to burn a bridge – she otherwise seems nice and we could use that level of enthusiasm in politics, but she can’t be that intense at work at my company – it’s really not our culture.
Anonymous
Can you just say its out of your hands now but good luck! Then just stop engaging for a while. Maybe at the end of the day answer one text and say you were busy all day so you can’t text.
Anonymous
I would send her one concise email telling her that you appreciate her resume and enthusiasm, but you’re not the decision-maker and that they, not you, will contact her if anything further is needed. And then I would stop responding to any emails or texts unless they relate to your separate activity, not her application and resume.
Anon
I don’t think you get to have it both ways — communicating your message to back down without (probably, perhaps temporarily) hurting her feelings. But if she does end up with hurt feelings, that’s really not your fault and really not the worst result. She should get feedback that what she’s doing isn’t appropriate for the company you work at! What she does with that feedback isn’t so much your concern.
Anon
Not saying that you can’t send a clear message in a polite and professional way, just that even if you do, she might not take it well. But you’ll do nobody any favors if you try to water it down too much.
Anon
“Hey, thanks for applying. I hope it works out with HR!”
Let them figure out if she’s the right fit for the job.
Senior Attorney
Yes, just be up-front: “Hey, at this point I’ve done what I can and I’m going to step out and leave it to you and HR. Fingers crossed! Looking forward to seeing you at next advocacy event!”
Anon
This.
Anon9
This sounds like the right approach to me!
Anon
Honestly, at this point, I would establish a one-two line response that I used for all future communications. Do not answer any more questions or provide any more feedback. Something along the lines of “As I mentioned, I am not the hiring decision-maker and you will have to apply via HR. Best of luck”
AFT
To her: “Hi ___, I’m glad to hear you’re so interested in the job! I’m pretty busy right now and won’t have time to provide any additional help or feedback, so I’d suggest you work through HR to see if it’s a good fit. Best of luck and see you at the next [political organization] meeting!” Then don’t respond to any text messages or emails – or respond only several hours later.
For internal, I think you can make clear that you have limited experience with this person and can’t vouch for her, and depending on your comfort level you could say to HR/decision-maker: “I initially pointed her towards the application since she has experience in llama herding, but based on subsequent communication I’m not sure she has what you’re looking for in terms of llama grooming.”
Sadie
I wouldn’t say “suggest” you work through HR- other than that this seems a good approach. I think any equivocal language will be taken by this person as an opening, so I would be clear she MUST go through HR and you can’t convey any docs or info to HR on her behalf.
Anon
I think you’re focusing on the intensity of her communication instead of how unprofessional it is.
Here’s what I would do: send her an email and say that you will speak about her tactics on (pick a date that works for you). Tell her, as someone who wants to see her succeed, that you have advice for her. Say there’s a lot of bad job search advice out there, so you understand where she’s coming from. Explain that you’re an attorney and your *actual work* takes precedence for you: you cannot be responsive to her stuff like this. If she wants to work in a professional environment, she needs to understand the priorities of the people above her. She also needs to understand how hiring processes work, and, regardless of what she’s heard, “I can start on Monday” is not appropriate absent an interview and an offer.
LaurenB
This sounds like an AAM question — to which the answer is invariably “Use your words.” Don’t worry about hurting her feelings. No need to be a jerk, but you can calmly and unemotionally say that you are not in charge of the hiring process, the person to talk to is X, and that it’s not appropriate to assume she has a job and can start on Monday before she’s had an interview, much less an offer. You can also use your words to say that you wish her luck, and then don’t respond any more.
Trench coat -- pear edition
I am 5-4, flat-chested, and hippy. I keep buying and hate-wearing double-breasted trench coats. It is too warm for my winter coats (one wool, one down). I need something. But I look bad in these.
Is single-breasted the answer? They don’t look as awesome (but nothing looks good on me IRL, this may help it look less awful). And places to buy a good one?
Or wait until next fall to retry to get one that can go for colder weather (with liner) or is that something that is generally available.
Help!
PolyD
I think single-breasted coats look better on most women. I think one needs to be tall, thin, and fairly broad-shouldered for double-breasted to work. But as a short busty woman with narrow-ish shoulders, maybe I’m jealous.
Single-breasted trench/khaki/rain coats are kind of unicorns, I hardly ever see them. I got one from Banana Republic about 2 years ago and really wish I had gotten it in a bigger size, because apparently I’ve gotten a little thicker in that time.
Anon in the trenchcoat
Land’s End has a single breasted one for $60 on promotion. A few years ago Ellen Tracy had a single breasted one, and if you search for that you may see some on Poshmark.
Anonymous
“They don’t look as awesome (but nothing looks good on me IRL, this may help it look less awful).”
I can’t tell … is it possible you’re stuck in a headspace where you think you look bad, period? Honestly, I have never ever looked at a woman in a trench coat and thought, OMG she looks so awful; if she were only wearing a single-breasted trench, she wouldn’t look so … [whatever the issue is].
If it’s just that it’s late spring and you’re sick of cold weather and sick of how you look and you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and hated it, and nothing is actually going to make you feel better right now, then hold off for fall.
If you’re happy about life and the weather and really like how you look in all your other clothes and are happy when you look at yourself in the mirror, then switch out the trench coat for one you love.
Anonymous
I would look for a coat that has a clearly defined waist. I am a similar shape and find that more flattering. I also avoid double breasted coats because the top buttons end up lining up in weird locations….
Anonymous
I too am a petite pear. I love classic trench coats but hate how they look on me… I recently splurged on the Babaton Lawson Trench from Aritzia and I think it’s a better look (Meghan Markle wore it so it must be cool, right?)
Anon
How do you up your accessory game? I’ve been feeling lately like my work outfits are solid, but they could use a little lift. I have only a small collection of mostly sentimental jewelry and haven’t bought myself any in years. Where do you go for fun jewelry? What counts as statement jewelry these days (I feel like the big colorful statement necklaces of a few years ago are gone)? What else should I be thinking of (scarves, etc.)?
Anonymous
Etsy for fun jewelry.
I am in finance and have a thing for antique or unique or foreign coins (or “coins”) made into pendants.
I also like Beck Sondergaard scarves. I freeze easily in A/C.
Anon
I do most of my accessorizing with jewelry and scarves. My shoes used to be a focal point but foot problems mean I wear pretty sedate shoes now. My bag is from cuyana and is so nice that I don’t want a bunch of bags, I just carry this one every day.
So, scarves. I am really into silk oblong scarves in warmer weather, cashmere scarves in cooler weather. I find the cashmere scarves pretty utilitarian – solid colors and one ombré – but I pick pretty colors I like since the rest of my wardrobe tend to be fairly neutral.
Silk scarves can be pretty interesting. I have been looking at places that sell fair trade and locally crafted stuff and now I have a handful of totally unique scarves that have a back story. That’s fun to me.
Jewelry I’m obsessed with but I keep it in certain categories. I got really into collecting vintage enameled bangles for a while and I have enough now, but it’s fun to wear different combinations of them or pick one out from the bottom of the stack and start rewearing it. I educated myself on all the different kinds of pearls and that has been a fun path – a little splurge once in a while, and they all have great meaning to me.
My jewelry and scarf collection have taken decades to amass so it’s not like I would go out and buy everything at once. And what I like will definitely not be what you like. I’m really just suggesting that you focus on one or two categories and figure out what you really, really like. Then building your collection will be a fun hobby. And when you wear them it won’t just because your outfit needs a completer piece, but it will be because you truly love these things and wearing them brings you joy.
MomAnon4This
This but also… scarves are easy to buy used, or at an affordable price point, and when you travel, or to get or give as a gift, with almost any color combo. I’m not saying I’m super-trendy, but I like my scarves and like folding them and draping them different and trying ’em out. Low-risk, potentially high reward!
Anon
Good point. One of my favorite scarves is neither fair trade nor handmade. It’s from monoprix in Paris. But every time I wear it I’m like aaah Paris.
pugsnbourbon
I’m an earrings person. I never wear necklaces and while I love bracelets they bug me when I type, so earrings it is. Know your office, but a pair of small acrylic hoops would look fresh without being too in-your-face. Today I’m wearing a 2″ pair in tortoiseshell. Pearls in funky shapes/configurations are trendy and could fly in most offices, too.
Mpls
+1 I do earrings. I like the Kate Spade stuff (on sale) – the big colorful dangly ones for not-work stuff, but I got some cute and (relatively) subtle earpins that I’ve gotten compliments on at work.
Another current favorite is from AT Loft.
Anon
I have a few very unique large statement necklaces from boutiques or independent artists, purchased when traveling. None were terribly expensive, but having the back story gives me confidence to wear them like true designer pieces. I always get compliments on them. Most are metallic or subtle colors so they go with everything. I have short hair and an angular face, so big bold necklaces look good on me to start with and I feel like they really anchor an outfit. I often match (which I know isn’t a thing now a days but I like it and I think it looks pulled together) the metallic to another element in my outfit, like a belt or bag or shoe buckle, or if it’s colored I will match shoes or belt (I don’t have many bags). I still wear earrings but they would be something simple and not matching. I also like silk scarves like the above poster. I usually match a color in those to my shoes or my bag. I don’t love cashmere because I feel like it always sheds on my pants, but that’s probably just me. I think it’s really hard to tie long thin scarves and not have it look like a choker, so I always go for larger square ones or, in the winter, chunky knit ones. I don’t like infinity scarves because it never lands in the right place and you can’t change it without a brooch or some other trick, which is just too complicated for me to keep track of. I’d rather tie my own corners together and think the knots add visual interest.
Ribena (formerly Hermione)
I love wearing my big hand knit shawls and scarves. They add personality and are a good talking point (plus are a useful fight when the air conditioning is fiercer when expected)
Anon
I would love to see your hand knitting. Are you on ravelry?
Ribena (formerly Hermione)
Yep – I’m LilyMKnits there – but my project pages are well out of date and I’m better at putting pictures on Instagram where I’m LilyMWrites
Anon
Awesome! Thanks
Anon
Beautiful stuff! Would love to see your lightweight cardigan on.
anonshmanon
I have an unwanted response where someone asks me either basic questions that they could google themselves or keeps asking complex questions after I’ve made it clear that I don’t have any more experience than the other person. Then I get annoyed, actually almost outraged that they are wasting my time or expect me to do their work for them. Is there a good way to reframe this so I don’t waste mental energy into the “ugh I can’t believe this idiot is wasting my time in this inconsiderate way” cycle?
Anonymous
My response to my ex-BF was, “Does Google know the answer?” or “What does Google say?” when he would ask me questions like this (i.e., what temperature does chicken need to be cooked to? how long do I roast asparagus? where is the nearest auto parts store and how do I get there?).
My good way to reframe this issue was to break up with him.
Anonymous
Hahaha!
BeenThatGuy
Is it as simple as saying “Gee whiz, I don’t know but good luck with that”? And let it go…
dogs
Unless you work for the person doing the requesting, you can say “no.”
“that is complicated, I’m not sure. I would google it and see where you end up. I’m curious to see what you find out.”
“HM, I know I saw something about this in x email, but don’t have time to look it up right now. It should be in your inbox/intranet/etc”
Flats Only
I know that when I start reacting that way to everything it means that I’m depressed and need medication. If this unwanted response has emerged in the last couple of months you might want to get yourself screened.
You're a non
You could ask what they’re looking for…. are they looking for advice, or validation or what?
Like when my husband asks me when something is on TV. I’m like, Ask Siri. or Ask Google.
But when my kid asks me about Pluto’s moons or something I’m like, wow! What a good question! You can look it up! When I was a kid, I learned this… but it might have changed since then.
Not sure if this helps. I don’t really have any more experience in this than the next person.
anonshmanon
I see what you did there ;-)
Anon
This is funny because it’s true. All my employees who have done this to me are familiar with my response: “I’m busy until tomorrow afternoon. Please do your due diligence and ask again then if you cannot answer these questions”. I’ve trained them well, they will now send me screenshots to prove due diligence before asking seemingly basic questions.
Panda Bear
No advice but commiseration. I hate both of those things too. I have to force myself to keep my tone light and repeat ‘Oh, I just learned about that/how to do that by googling it’ and/or ‘You know, I’m really not sure, but x person might know more, or you might learn more by looking up x’.
Anon
“Hmm, I dunno. Wish I did. Let me know what you find out!”
MagicUnicorn
Answer with “what have you already tried in your search for the answer?”
Delta Dawn
“Hmm. I don’t know!” Over and over and over and over.
“What temp do we cook chicken?”
“Hmm. I don’t know!”
“Is it 425?”
“Hmm. I don’t know!”
“Or maybe it’s 375.”
“Hmm. I don’t know!”
“What did we do last time?”
“Hmm. I don’t know!”
Kay
I really really like this! and will copy.
Celia
“What does the recipe say?”
Monte
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
Diana Barry
Recommendations for vacation destination over Xmas for our family of 5, for a week? We are coming from Boston. DH hates beaches and anything too sunny. Kids are elementary age. Thanks for any suggestions!
Senior Attorney
NYC! Radio City Music Hall! Skating at Rockefeller Center! Wicked on Broadway! The dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum!
Ellen
I agree, plus we have the Bronx Zoo and the new World Trade Center and the Staten Island Ferry and the Empire State Building, and SoHo, all of which is SOOOOO romatic! I would come here if I didn’t live here!
Anon
Skiing in Utah.
Anonymous
Santa Fe and/or a ski resort out west.
Anonymous
+1 this. Santa Fe is a very beautiful and very underrated city.
Anonymous
We had a blast in New Orleans over Christmas.
SC
I highly recommend New Orleans for Christmas. It’s terrible here in August, but it’s lovely at Christmas.
Anon
I have done both the NYC suggestion and NOLA suggestion and they are both great in their own way.
Worry about yourself
I hear the Gaylord Opryland Resort in Nashville gets all decked out around the holidays, I’ve never been but you may wanna check it out. Also, I wonder if Nashville itself is a good place to go around Christmas. I went in June once and we felt like we were gonna simultaneously melt and drown if we spent too much time outside, so I’m now curious if winter’s a better time to visit.
Anonymous
Banff or lake Louise
Talia
This is going off the heels discussion from before.
There have been a couple instances of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez saying in some context or the others that she wears heels (usually on Instagram) and when people, including another congresswoman, tell her she really doesn’t have to she replies “but Nancy Pelosi wears heels”.
I completely get what you’re saying. She’s young and gets enough flak for that, and we always say “dress for the job you want”, and emulating what Nancy Pelosi wears when youre a brand new congresswoman seems very in-line with the advice here. Even the other congresswoman she was talking too was saying Congress is so big, you will walk so much, wear comfortable shoes. It doesn’t seem like its just that AOC likes wearing heels; maybe she does but she also wants to dress like the big dogs do, which is smart. Where do you lie on this issue?
Anon
I’m not in Congress and I’m dressing for the job I want, which is the job I have right now, wearing shoes that don’t hurt my feet. :)
anon
I honestly don’t understand why everyone has to pick apart everything AOC does. I say she should wear heels if she wants to. I’ll point out that since she’s younger than most congresswomen, she may have less trouble walking around in heels than her older counterparts. When I was in my 20s and living in NYC, I could easily commute in my heels (10 minutes to the subway, often standing room during rush hour, 10 minutes from subway stop to office). Eight years later, about to turn 35, I drive to work and don’t have far to walk in my office, and I can only wear heels once a week or so without aggravating a neuroma.
Talia
I’m not shitting on her, I’m just curious. This is a blog that talks about clothes so I’m doing that. I’m wondering if “dress like the boss” is a valid and necessary work strategy.
Worry about yourself
That’s a valid question, and I think it can be if done right. At my old job, the head of our department wore some . . . interesting things, like strappy sun dresses and flip flops to the office. She wore that stuff because she could, but if I dressed like that as a 20-something contractor (and I didn’t want to) I would’ve gotten the side-eye. Now, my direct supervisor on the other hand, wore some good business casual type clothes, and I don’t know if dressing more like her would’ve helped me at all, but it probably wouldn’t have hurt.
I think it’s fine to emulate the wardrobe of someone you admire, and who has achieved the kind of success you’re after, as long as they’re not dressing in some odd, eccentric way because they’ve earned the right to do so – don’t emulate that. If Nancy Pelosi was wearing cowboy boots to Congressional hearings, AOC shouldn’t follow suit. That said, I don’t think that’s what she’s doing here, I suspect she’s wearing heels because she wants to, and when people try to dissuade her, she brings up the fact that Pelosi also wears heels, as no one seems to give Pelosi a hard time about her fashion choices.
Ribena (formerly Hermione)
My response is “brogues are smart enough for men, so they’re smart enough for me”. Rinse and repeat for other mannish dress shoes.
Vicky Austin
Some heels hurt my feet less than some flats do. And if AOC wants to wear heels, who cares? They’re her feet.
Anon
Yeah, true flats really hurt my feet. With heels, at least I can be sure the arch is stiff. With even expensive flats there is often zero structure to the sole. I’ve rarely found true flats that I can wear for any length of time.
Worry about yourself
I don’t think it’s any of my business? If they’re appropriate for work and she can manage walking in them all day, it’s all good. I love AOC, and if she wants to wear heels, let her. If she wears them to feel more like a congresswoman, let her. If she feels she needs to wear them to be taken seriously, I’m not sure I agree that she needs to, but again, if they give her more confidence then I’m not gonna say she’s wrong. She knows more about that world than I do.
I haven’t forgotten the poster from a few months ago, who worked in the same building as a Big 4 firm, complaining about the young ladies who worked there coming in with their long hair unstyled, wearing backpacks (with logos!), and -le gasp- flat shoes! I think there were some other style choices she took issue with, can’t remember all the details, but she was adamant that women should wear at least a bit of a heel to work at least when they’re young and new to their respective careers.
I’m tired of women wringing their hands, shaking their heads and clutching their pearls over the fashion choices being made by younger women – at work, at school, at the dang grocery store, etc. It’s one thing if you manage or mentor a young woman and you’re in a place to counsel her on her work wardrobe, but if you’re one to look at young ladies and think “it’s so sad that young women are dressing like this nowadays . . .” I highly recommend minding your own business.
Anon
Whoa. Just for the record, I’m 54 and I started the shoe thread on the morning post. I just think heels are kind of outdated right now and I’m glad the young ‘uns have mostly wised up.
Worry about yourself
I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention to attack you, and I apologize for the aggressive tone of my rant, this isn’t about you.
Anon
AMEN to all of this!
Anon
Well, I think it’s weird to pick out AOC in this context and I think she can wear whatever she wants. And it’s not like she only ever wears heels — see the famous picture of the pair of Chuck Taylors she wore through door knocking.
But also, she’s short! Like, really short! I would be wearing heels if I were her, too.
Anonymous
I’m shocked that she uses Nancy as a litmus year for anything.
Anonymous
I don’t care what Ms. Cortez wears, or does, frankly. It’ll be a relief when her seven minutes are over.
Anon
Lol
maddawg
A friendly acquaintance of mine (good athlete, veteran, hard worker, but not academically inclined/test taker) finished a law degree at a really poorly ranked law school. I was on the fence about saying something about being careful about the legal market and results for grads (I practice in the adjoining state we’re both from), and the amount of debt (this school is expensive enough that she had to take on a lot of debt even WITH the GI bill), but didn’t want to seem like a dream crusher or some bitter jaded person.
Good news is that she graduated. Bad news. Failed the bar.
I’m so incredlibly frustrated with the ABA for failing to protect the profession (let’s accredit a bazillion schools basically regardless of results, K?), the state of education in this country being a bigger gamble than actual gambling (at least gambling losses can be written off), and these sleazy schools for admitting people with sub 135 LSAT scores, fleecing them for ~200K, and then kind of looking the other way when they don’t pass the bar. (o sorry about the 6 figures of debt).
Just a rant, not looking for commiseration. We must fix this.
Anon
So I’m a female veteran. I’m smart in that school is easy for me – if I have to try hard, I’m not really interested (see: math). I got a 159 on my LSAT and went to a sub-T100 state law school. I graduated with $100k in debt after the GI Bill paid. I graduated with a 3.2 GPA and failed the bar the first time I took it. (I passed it the second time.)
And if you read my resume, you’d think, “Wow! What an interesting career she’s had! And it all sounds so fun, too, no billables.” I make $140k, I work 45 hours a week, and we have a nice house in the suburbs and a little beach house for weekends. (We live in a major metropolitan area; if we lived somewhere more MCOL, I’d probably make $80k or so.) And with that, I’m good in life. What I wrote above is more than I’ll ever need in terms of sheer blessings on this earth, and yes, that’s really and truly how I go through life after seeing what I’ve seen elsewhere on this planet.
If your friend really did score below a 135 and really did pay $200k for her education, then yes, we as a society have some addressing to do. But otherwise? If she was more a median LSAT scorer and more a $100k debt kind of girl, she’s probably kind of like me and didn’t know what else to do with herself after the military, and thought, “well, I’ve got this GI bill sitting here…” and went for it. She’ll land on her feet. “Poorly ranked law school” is not a death sentence. Plenty of small communities and everyday people need lawyers. Plenty of jobs are law adjacent.
Anon
There are plenty of people who graduate $200k in the hole and never get a job that service those loans.
This continues to happen because the system is defended by the winners, who pretend that the losers are a statistical anomaly.
Anon
It sounds like you graduated quite a while ago. I just don’t think the legal hiring market is the same as it was 15 or 20 or 30 years ago. I know quite a few people who graduated a middle ranked law school in the last ten years who have not been able to get a legal job, or who search for 5 years and then finally accept one that pays 40k, which is nowhere near enough to pay off 200k in loans.
This is a real problem
Anonymous
I really think that the bar (at least ethics and the MBE) should be part of law school. I don’t understand why I have to spend $200k and 3 years of my life for a degree but the license that will let me actually use my degree takes additional time and expense. It makes zero sense to me.
To be fair, though, a lot of the lower ranked schools do more to help people pass the bar than the higher ranked schools. First, a lot of them have their own bar prep session that you can take during the school year, for credit, and doesn’t cost anything additional. Second, most lower ranked schools automatically fail the bottom X% of the first year class. The idea is that if you’re at the bottom of the class then you’re not going to pass the bar. The schools do it for their own self interest, to boost their bar pass rates, but it’s also better for the student even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time – better to leave school with $50k debt and nothing to show for it than $200k and a degree that does you little good if you can’t pass the bar.
Anon
Recommendations for travel makeup/toiletry bags? I am so over the bags that have a zipper down the middle and have to dig to find what I need. I want the whole thing to open up so I can see what’s in it.
Anonymous
Dragnet Dover.
Anon
Ooh get an EMME bag they are amazing. There are lots of compartments that you can see into and the whole thing unzips/unfurls and hangs on the hook in your hotel bathroom
Anon
https://emmebag.com/
Chi Squared
2nd Emme. I have the smaller sized one. I put all my liquids and gels in a ziplock bag and everything else goes in the Emme. Lots of small zippered, clear compartments so you can see everything.
Lana Del Raygun
I like the LL Bean toilet kits that hang up.
Anonymous
If you don’t mind having everything together (but visible upon opening), there’s this drawstring option.
https://www.thegrommet.com/lay-n-go-cosmo-patterns-t
Worry about yourself
I have one of those! It’s not my go-to case, but it’s definitely handy.
Anon
I lust after big pretty toiletry bags that hold everything together, but I have figured out that that method just doesn’t work well for me. My approach: use *lots* of smaller bags.
Bag 1: Countertop toiletries–body lotion, face lotion, toothpaste and toothbrush, a hair band to wash my face, face wash, a hair tie or two and bobby pins, basic meds, nail file, etc. [I use a freebie printed bag from a make-up purchase.]
Bag 2: Shower supplies–razor and shaving lotion, shampoo and conditioner, hair gel applied before I get out of the shower if I’m leaving my hair curly, soap, a hair tie I use IN the shower, shower cap, face wash [I use a size small Eagle Creek Specter Sac.]
Bag 3: Make-up–make-up, make-up brushes (in a soft pencil pouch that was a freebie), daily meds (because I take them while putting on my make-up) [I use a Jon Hart Grande toiletry bag.]
Bag 4: Hair brushes–round brushes and normal hair brush [I use a freebie shoe storage bag.]
Bag 5: Hair stuff–hair spray, dry shampoo, wide tooth comb, hair ties, clips and bobby pins, heat protectant spray, serum [I use a freebie make-up bag.]
Bag 6: Hair appliances–travel sized dryer and mini flat iron [I use the bag the set came in.]
I know that seems like overkill but I really like having it separated out so that I can keep certain things in the bathroom at my destination and others in the bedroom or where I can dry/do my hair while someone else showers. It’s also much easier to pack lots of small bags versus one large one. None of them are hard-sided so they all squish down to pretty small if they’re not full (none of them are REALLY full, which lets me root around in them easily too). I can generally find what I want easily because the organization mimics my home organization.
Anonymous
This is similar to what I like to do as well, although I’ve started never checking a bag which makes it a bit more difficult now. I don’t love having to put all my liquids into one TSA approved bag for the flight and then separate everything back out once I’ve reached my destination but I don’t see any way around it. Otherwise, I love this approach.
Anon
Yup, I hate that part of this system, too. It really works the best/is smoothest for driving trips (which are the majority of my trips, these days) or longer trips where flights are just the beginning and end of the trip.
Worry about yourself
I do this! A small bag for makeup, a bigger bag for lotions, face cream, small hairbrush, deodorant, perfume, anything else that one might use in the bedroom, and then a water resistant toiletry kit for anything I might take into the bathroom like a toothbrush, face wash, shampoo, etc.
Anonymous
I use plastic baggies… You can always see what is inside. I travel every week land go through one once every 2-3 months.
Anon
Why am I always stuck in mod? I’ve been contributing for years and it’s really frustrating to type responses or ask questions and have them appear way later. If the perma-mod has been reinstated (which has not been communicated) and I somehow found myself on it, I’d rather know so I can just take my posts elsewhere.
Anon
Same here. I’m wondering if I said something weird years ago that permanently flagged me because literally everything I post goes to mod
Kat G
Please see the note at the bottom of the comment section. If you want to avoid the moderation queue you have to provide an email address. Thank you for reading!
The original Scarlett
Hi, I’ve been experiencing the same thing despite a consistent user name and email address.
Inspired by Hermione
Me too, but only randomly. Nothing that goes to mod seems to be mod-worthy….
MagicUnicorn
Same here.
Anonymous
I thought she said at some point to email her directly with your email address if it’s an issue that you still get moderated despite including an email and they can add you to a ‘safe’ list or something.
Inspired by Hermione
Did that. Didn’t work.
Thank you for making suggestions...
I would like to make a small change in my life, hopefully to change my perspective on life and get out of a rut. (I don’t like my job, I love my kids, and my husband and I are in counseling, and I’m in counseling by myself, too.)
What small change would you suggest? I guess it’s almost like asking about New Year’s Resolutions…. I’m looking for something that takes not too much time or money, maybe that can become a habit, for less than 15 minutes/day, added to my morning or evening routine on a pretty regular basis… any suggestions? Open to EVERYTHING. Seriously, brainstorm, just throw it out there.
Anon
Hmm
Fancy skin care
Meditation
Stretching
Making delicious smoothies
Walking around the block
Stuff like that?
Lana Del Raygun
I would suggest going for a short walk, or pleasure reading a real book.
Vicky Austin
Real books that I actually like (i.e., not suffering through A Brief History of Time) always make me feel better. Legitimately always.
Anon
Take just a few minutes and look for something to focus your eyes on (I find something green) and take a few deep breaths. Thank the Universe or God or whatever for the things that’ve gone right in your day. It can be as simple as you and your family made it through the day safely.
anon
Yoga
Meditation
Reading
Ribena (formerly Hermione)
Morning pages. I write three pages in my journal first thing almost every day (it’s weekends that slip, when I don’t have a routine) and it helps tremendously.
Coach Laura
Write 3-5 daily thankfuls before bed. I think Oprah started this but all it requires is a small notebook. I’d get a pretty one, use a nice pen and fix a cup of night-time tea and light a candle.
Meditation or develop a meditation phrase. Something like “I am becoming happier, calmer and relaxed.” Sit with a cup of tea in the morning when the house is quiet or at night.
Five minute stretch after work? Apartment therapy has one I’ve used.
Anonymous
We each take turns saying the best thing and the hardest thing in our day while we eat dinner. great way to connect and so interesting to hear kids perspectives on things.
Try to walk or even stand outside for at least 10-15 mins each day.
NY CPA
I’ve been trying to do 10 minutes of meditation when I wake up each morning. I really like the Welzen app, but there’s a number of others out there.
anon a mouse
I am all about small changes.
Two years ago I started a five-year journal. Takes me less than 10 minutes before bed to reflect on the day, pick 1-2 moments to remember. Last year I trained myself to not pick up my phone after I write in my journal – I shift to reading for pleasure. Some nights I read 2 pages, some 20. Rarely more. This year I’m all about hydration – I make it a point to get all my water for the day. My skin looks terrific!
anon
This isn’t a habit per se, but I take a lot of time to pay attention to sunlight: the way it filters through leaves on the trees, the odd colors that result when it cuts across the sky in an unexpected angle or when it peaks through clouds. My favorite is when it hits the tops of trees and turns them sort of amber but everything else below is sort of shaded/yellow light. I try to do this in the evening when I’m walking or driving home. It’s dumb but it helps me get out of my mind (which in turn can help provide perspective on whatever I’ve been obsessing about) and appreciate small moments of unnoticed beauty.
Hank
I’m in the SAME PLACE. Check out the xeffect subreddit. :) Some ideas:
Practice piano! (get a keyboard and headphones–someone has one cheap on fb marketplace or craigslist, i promise you)
Mediatate
DuoLingo lesson (s)
Podcast
Reading something fun
Writing
1SE app and commentary as a journaling tool
5-minute Youtube HIIT video
face mask/jade roller/drybrushing/hair oil/something “extra”
coloring/hand lettering
Lana Del Raygun
I’M VERY UPSET AND I NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT
Someone left a used menstrual pad rolled up, unwrapped, sitting on the toilet paper dispenser!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for listening. :(
Anon
I’m sure that person meant to deal with it and totally forgot and will be completely mortified when she remembers. I had a college roommate leave a used tampon in THE SHOWER once. Blech. We didn’t let her live that down. I hate when you can’t reach the trash from the toilet and have to put the product somewhere until you can walk over to it. I don’t like to think about it too much.
Worry about yourself
I’d like to think that too. I can totally see my scatterbrained self doing this and feeling awful about it for about five years. But when you discover something like this when you’re trying to pee, it’s nasty as hell.
Senior Attorney
Ewwww!!!
THANK YOU FOR TELLING US ABOUT IT SO WE CAN SHARE YOUR OUTRAGE!!!
Anon
DANG IT, WE CANT BLAME THIS ONE ON THE PATRIARCHY!!
can we?
Anonymous
NO BUT WE CAN BLAME YOUR HORROR OVER A HUMAN BODY FUNCTION ON THE PATRIARCHY. Would you react this way to a used bandaid in the trash can?
Ribena (formerly Hermione)
+a million
Senior Attorney
NO BUT I WOULD TOTALLY REACT THAT WAY TO A USED KLEENEX ON THE COUNTER!!
Senior Attorney
Or a bandaid for sure. Point being it was NOT in the trashcan.
Anon
Same. Or an unflushed toilet, #2
Worry about yourself
DISGUSTENG!
Anonymous
We don’t pay the janitors and custodians in our offices nearly enough to deal with things like that. I can’t imagine having to clean that up or other situations like that for a living.
Cat
ok this was very clearly an accident — while annoying and unwelcome, I’m assuming the person would be mortified to know they forgot to drop it in the container. Set it down to deal with the fresh pad, had their back to the TP dispenser, threw out the fresh pad wrapper, and left the stall without a backward glance. All caps horror does not seem warranted.
Flats Only
This. I find that the bathroom routine involves a lot of habit/muscle memory, and can totally see how someone could set it there, and then proceed “as normal” and forget about it.
Anon
Just a vent about those flaky people (seems to happen most often with tradesmen, but it can be anybody) who lie to you about when they’ll be able to get to you.
I don’t think I’d care half as much if they said, “Ma’am, we’re real backed up and we can get this to you on [date]” as I am when they tell me they’ll have it for me in two weeks and I hear nothing, so I call, and oh, just another three days, and I don’t hear anything again, so I call and it’s four more days, repeat, another two days. And if I didn’t stay on top of them I’m sure I’d hear nothing for months!
He’s a 55 year old man who’s been in his profession for 30 years! He sure as heck knows how long it takes to do X. Do.not.LIE.to.me. (In this case, it’s a real estate survey. It only takes a day to do, so why have I been waiting for six weeks when you said it’d be “next week” five weeks ago?!) Agh!
Thank you for the opportunity to vent :)
Anon
Is he the only game in town or can you vote with your wallet and give someone else your business? I would do that if at all possible.
But commiseration – I don’t know why every profession having to do with working on my house seems to run on some alternate version of time.
Anon
He’s been in his profession for 30 years and it clearly hasn’t affected him, so I doubt you’re gonna get him to change. You can only control how you deal with it.
Anonymous
A very wise person once told me that if you have a good handyman or contract and you want to continue working with that person, you need to get comfortable with things not happening on time. It just isn’t part of that industry for anything to occur 100% on time–so you are going to have to learn to call multiples times, or add an hour to the suggested start time. Every time. That is just how it works. If you have a tradesperson with 30 years of experience in his craft willing to work with you, I would hold on to him. And that means following up multiple times and being flexible around his schedule. Otherwise, he may very well decide that you are not worth the hassle and you will be stuck trying to find someone from scratch.
Speaking tradition
I walked past someone in my BigLaw form just now and said Hello. She stood there and kept talking to her assistant.
WTF
Didn’t realize I am both invisible and mute.
nona
So…she was talking to someone else and just didn’t acknowledge your interruption?
I’m not sure I share the miff.
DCR
+1! I would so judge someone if they tried to start a conversation with me when I’m talking to my assistant. IMO, it tends to correlate with people who don’t respect assistants, something that pisses me off
AnonZ
It doesn’t sound like she tried to start a conversation, just said hello. Even if someone is in the midst of a conversation, acknowledging the greeting with a smile or small wave can be done without interrupting the conversation. Completely ignoring someone who says hello to you is rude.
However, we could be generous and think that perhaps the person didn’t hear you because they were entirely focused on the conversation.
DCR
Do you say hi to associate in the hall speaking to a partner? My guess and experience is that the answer to that is no, because you don’t want to interrupt the partner. So why is it OK to interrupt the assistant?
AnonZ
Not a lawyer, but if I was passing someone in the hall who I felt I should say hello to, I would acknowledge them somehow. If they’re talking to someone, it would probably be a smile or small wave, or I would say hello to both people while I walk past.
Yes, it would be rude to actually interrupt and try to join or take over the conversation. But saying “hi” in passing is neither of those things, and is probably unrelated to the relative roles of the people involved in the conversation.
Anon
My alma mater had a Speaking Tradition. In that light, this post made sense.
Anon
Okay, but this isn’t college and and isn’t passing each other on the quad.
Anon
It gets ingrained.
Anon
Ok, sure, but then you need to learn to not get your undies in a bunch if somebody doesn’t follow your college tradition.
Anonymous
This this shades of what old Toney books refer to as the Cut Direct? To me ignoring bland social pleasantries is incredibly rude (and I am from NJ, not a state of delicate women given to having the vapors over manners).
Anon
Pretty sure the rude thing here is to interrupt somebody having a conversation just so you can be acknowledged as a person in the world. Do you say hi to all the assistants you pass? If acknowledging somebody is so important, why are you not acknowledging all the assistants?
NOLA
Update! After almost giving up on Match in disgust, I took a step back from it and have only casually (and occasionally) looked at my Matches. Suddenly, I’m messaging with three guys and two of them want dates. One is a guy I’ve been messaging with casually for a while, but then things got flirtier and he wants to get together. He’s a good looking guy who does really interesting creative work, so I’m intrigued! The other one, we’ll see. He wanted to exchange numbers right away and he just texted me and I’m insanely busy trying to finish work on the last day of school before break, but I’m open to the possibility. He’s a police officer and my ex is a retired police officer, so potentially a minefield. But still, I’m excited that at least something is happening, right?
Senior Attorney
Woo hoo! You go!!!
NOLA
Thanks! I’m cautiously optimistic. The first guy is a really interesting guy and kinda hot, so…
Senior Attorney
So… ;)
Anon
Yay! Have fun!
Coach Laura
Yay! Have fun!
Kate
Great news!! Have fun!!!
London Traveler
Looking for a few recommendations for a day and a half (two nights) in London with two kids, 6 & 9 (next month). They don’t mind some walking and are fairly adventurous eaters. It’s the first time in London for all of us so I’d like to hit the major attractions.
Trying to figure out where to stay, where to eat and what is worth doing in such a limited amount of time.
Thanks!
Ribena (formerly Hermione)
London Transport Museum! There are tons of other museums which help Londoners see outwards but this one is all about London and they’ll get a kick out of it.
Anon
Tower of London, sure, but I agree the London Transport Museum is great! Big, interactive, climbable displays – manages to use transportation to tell the story of London. Really just excellent. Also informative enough for adults to enjoy.
Anon
Stay near Picadilly Circus. It’s easy to hit all the major stuff from there.
anon
With kids and 1.5 days, I’d probably do the Tower of London, the Changing of the Guard, and Hyde Park or one of the other parks. Maybe the London Eye if you think your kids would be into it. I’ve heard good things about the Royal Mews but haven’t been.
I’m not usually a big fan of hop-on/hop-off type tours, but they’re really a good way to see the sites quickly, and with children who can’t walk as long as adults. Also, especially if you’re not from a large city, never underestimate the entertainment power of public transportation with children :-)
Anonymous
I am a big fan of hop-on hop-off buses, esp. in London. It’s just such an easy and reliable way to get to multiple major sites without the hassle of learning to navigate if you only have a short stay, or upon arrival for a long trip. Do this. Your kids will love the double deckers!
And if you can get to Burrough Market, it’s great for eating and seeing some London culture.
Away Game
If you need to take a break, tea at the Mad Hatters Tea House (or name similar) is fun, traditional, not too fancy, and yummy. We did an evening Ghost Bus tour which as totally cheesy and fun, but not that great at “major sites of London.” Tower of London is GREAT for kids that age, and definitely do the tour with the official Yeoman Warder guide.
Anon
How do you handle massive amounts of time alone? My husband (who is my best friend) has recently started traveling for work more often which leaves me alone for days (and sometimes weeks) at a time. I’m in Big Law with a highly unpredictable schedule so I can’t commit to social groups during the week and I wouldn’t be home soon enough to take care of a dog on my own. I try to see friends, call friends, and get lunch or coffee with coworkers but ultimately most of my days are at a solitary profession with no one to come home to. I do workout in my apartment gym but that’s not exactly social and there aren’t running groups close to where I live. I pack full my weekend with social plans and feel very fulfilled by those friendships and outings but I just want to cry from the loneliness during the week.
Anonymous
Reading is a great escape for those times when it doesn’t work to meet with friends. Read in a cafe if you want to be around be people. I prefer to read on paper va electronics
Anon
Oh my gosh, I so get you.
1) I call relatives. Grandma, Mom, MIL. And my Grandma gets off schedule in her nursing home and is often available to talk at odd hours when the working world is doing the evening routine rush.
2) Tv. It’s on in the morning on something fluffy (my husband laughs at my Golden Girls habit, but you can’t be sad with them in the background) and ditto fluffy things in the evening.
3) Joining a community group. An occasional evening activity + upcoming activities gives you something to look forward to.
I struggle terribly with this during the week, too. Let me keep thinking.
S in Chicago
Same here. Except I work from home 90 percent (so at least I have the dog).
Check out lectures going on in your city. That way no loss if you can’t make it. There’s usually a chatty person or two around to discuss things after, and a good speaker or interesting topic can make it feel like a one-on-one conversation in a full room
Move your errands to weekdays. Just being around others in the grocery store or returning items or buying new shampoo can make you feel more connected.
I don’t know how much flex you have at all, but maybe try to work in a nail or hair appointment when you know there will be long stretches apart. I always come back from my stylist feeling on the same high as being with a good friend after brunch.
Maybe see if a nursing home will let you volunteer without a set schedule or on a weekend afternoon? I haven’t done it myself, but when I was a teen needing a certain number of volunteer hours to get confirmed in my church, I would visit our local nursing home all of the time and do crafts with folks. Some really wonderful memories.
Anonymous
Can you join a gym with nice facilities? On travel I have gotten passes to gyms that had cafes, nice massage facilities, etc.
Anon
I am this person sometimes but largely because I’m single and WFH (but have a dog, which has helped immensely for others struggling with the loneliness of working from home, albeit with loads of its own challenges!). I use some of the same tactics others mentioned (errands on weekdays, especially groceries), phone calls to family members (my mom will never call me but can keep me on the phone for an hour about nothing substantive), social outings/drinks/light dinner with girlfriends (who understand that sometimes work bombs just happen), TV (especially while I cook dinner–it used to be when I would watch The Daily Show from the night before), new to me: knitting (keeps me from drinking (and eating) while I watch TV by myself), gym, a glass of wine and my phone at a nearby bar, cleaning and laundry, short weekend driving distance trips to visit friends or family. Some of it is just plain adjusting to the newness, too. You’ll get through the transition, I promise.
Anon
Well, I’m single and that’s just my life. Being alone is not the worst thing in the world. You can deal with it.
Anonymous
+1
I’m so confused by this post.
Hank
I’m in the SAME PLACE. Check out the xeffect subreddit. :) Some ideas:
Practice piano! (get a keyboard and headphones–someone has one cheap on fb marketplace or craigslist, i promise you)
Mediatate
DuoLingo lesson (s)
Podcast
Reading something fun
Writing
1SE app and commentary as a journaling tool
5-minute Youtube HIIT video
face mask/jade roller/drybrushing/hair oil/something “extra”
coloring/hand lettering
Darted Tees
Reposting from earlier… Does anyone have recommendations for tees with bust darts for better fit? Can’t seem to find the right g00gle search term for this garment.
Ariadne
Not sure if you’re still reading, but maybe search for knit tops, rather than t- shirts. I have tried on, but not ordered something like this from bravissimo, but not sure if that is what you are looking for.
Anon
Thanks!!
Anon
Bravissimo has exactly what I was looking for. Thanks again!
Ariadne
Glad you might use them. I have dresses from bravissimo, which fit amazingly well, but have only one knot twist top,which now that I’ve checked has darts! Didn’t notice them on this top before:)
MJ
I usually find these at Jigsaw London or at Poetry (natural fibers catalog–most of their summer stuff is cotton linen/winter is wool). Hope that helps.
C Anon
How do you get people to take you seriously if you’re very petite / look kind of like a child? I’m 19, and I look super underdeveloped. When I talk to “adult” women, or even women close to my age, they often speak to me like I’m still in middle school. I find that men in professional settings try harder to at least pretend that they think I’m an adult, even though I can tell that they don’t. I’ve tried dressing more nicely (ie structured jackets, cashmere sweaters) but I get the impression that I’m either overdressing or coming off as too concerned with fashion. I’m in computer science, for context. Thoughts?
Anon
Well if they’re speaking to you like you’re a tween at work, then they are the ones being unprofessional. But in the grand scheme of things, 19 is pretty young, so it could be that they’re addressing you the same way they would any other junior employee?
Anon
Ignore and keep talking. You need to build confidence around your content delivery rather than dress differently. I’m 35 and still get this occasionally but it never lasts longer than a few minutes into conversation. I would recommend joining toast masters to practice content delivery.
C Anon
Thanks for the suggestion! I will look into toastmasters.
Anon
Help me understand this job opportunity situation. I was referred to an internal team as a candidate to replace one of their managers. Spoke with the hiring manager who suggested an in-person meeting which I subsequently scheduled based on his provided availability. Went to this meeting three weeks ago which turned out to be a standard form interview with two additional team members. Thought I did fine despite the initial surprise at the format (I was prepared for this possibility and even had a printed resume copy which came in handy). Wrote some polite thank you notes, expecting to either hear back that they are interested in my candidacy or, given it’s an internal transfer, some reason that this won’t be a good fit, and then – nothing for three weeks during which I’d written this off entirely. Until today, when I got a very general email from the hiring manager asking if I’d thought about the opportunity. There was never any message that they thought I’d be a good fit. The job has not been posted and I know for a fact that the prior employee occupying it has been gone for a month. What do you make of this? I was never connected with any HR resource, and don’t even know the salary. I do know that team is under some strain due to growth and understaffing. I also know I can do this job, albeit it’s a lateral move – maybe even a half step down but with a high-growth, high-production-volume team which would give me scale exposure. I don’t have an immense motivation to leave my current job, other than I’ve been with my current team for eight years in one role or another. What tone should I strike with the hiring manager? Correct to say that being honest in my questions (re salary, hours, expectations) would serve me well? Or are these subjects best saved for the next stage (whatever and whenever that may be)?
Anon
I’ll add that I don’t want to spend my energy on this role any further if the salary is not at least 10K more given this role would add at least an hour a day to my commute.
Ses
If you’re not interested at all, you could just say that you really enjoyed learning about the department but really see your current role as the best fit for you at this time. If you’re mildly interested, “Dear X, It was great meeting with you and Y and Z. I remain interested in the role and would like to understand better how it fits with my career path. Are you available sometime this week to discuss further?”
Then you can ask your questions about title, salary, hours, etc in person as part of your – “what would this mean for my career path” discussion. Probably also time to negotiate that you will not take a step down in title and seniority – so what can they do about that?
Anon
I am travelling to NYC soon from India and I have given myself $1000 budget to but some stuff. I work in corp finance and deal with a lot of bankers and funds people. So I want to buy stuff which is quality, will last a long time hopefully, and is conservative. I am thinking 1 or 2 pantsuits, 1 or 2 dresses, 2 tops, one pair of shoes, and one handbag if budget permits or if I decide to go a little higher because it’s worth it. Suggestions? Brands? I am 5 feet nothing so looking for brands where I can find enough stuff in my size. A lot of big hand bag and shoe brands are present in India but they cost a lot more, so this is my chance to buy them at less price if I can find something I like.
Go for it
No answers from me~business casual at my office. Repost this Monday morning and you’ll get more responses.
Anon
Check out Extrapetite if you haven’t already — I think it’s a good resource for brands, current sales etc.
Anon
Make an appointment at mm lafleur at Bryant park.
Anon
You should consider looking at second hand luxury stores like consignment stores on UpperEast Side. I have scored some nice work dresses and coats from luxury brands there. Another place is the Woodbury outlet close to NY. There are buses that will take you outlet shopping there from NY. They have more Theory and Armani clothes on sale.
Anon
Thanks for the suggestions. I need to google all of these before i go so I can plan the most efficient way to get my shopping done. Want to spent my time walking around and less shopping
Anon
Longtime lurker on the other side of the world from most readers, but wanted to share the news from this week:
South Korea will finally legalize abortion after 66 years of going after doctors and women with prison time — and emphatically NOT condemning the deadbeats who force their partners to have abortions because they don’t want to get married/pay child support (almost nil in any case, as is the social security)/the fetus is a girl but they want a son.
This, in a country where the Ministry of Justice is defending the law criminalizing abortion on the grounds that “the women who have sex should suffer its consequences” and where something like 90% of the population (vocally) shames single mothers (but not single fathers), putting them in a double bind. We have a looooong way to go, but perhaps there is hope for change yet!
Anon
It’s been in the news here in the US. Congrats to your country! Glad to see you making progress, even if slowly. The US is going in the wrong direction.
EM84
Request to all smart and well-travelled ladies here. I am thinking of starting my own business with a work-friend. We have both background in marketing, digital, e-commerce and trade and are based in Europe. If you could start (ideally e-com business), what would it be? What are the things that are hard to get by? If you spent some time in Europe, what were the things or services you missed here? Thanks!
Anonymous
I live for extended period in different countries. The only thing I’ve missed for bathing suits and underwear that I could buy in the states. with everything else, you just sort of adapt to what’s there.
White or Ivory Towels?
I’m in the market for new towels. Since I want the towels to match all of our differently painted bathrooms, I am leanings towards either white or ivory towels. For those of you who have experience with these colors, what are pros and cons I should keep in mind? Will white towels last longer because they can be bleached? For reference, I am replacing 15+ year old towels so I plan to use them a while. And specific brand recommendations also welcome. My top priorities are softness and absorbency. I actually don’t like overly big and thick as they are more of a hassle to launder.
Carrots
I got the generic Bed Bath and Beyond towels a few years ago and they’ve held up well. I typically wash mine in a load of their once and do it twice, once with vinegar and once with baking soda, and then dry them like normal. I’ve never bleached mine, but I’ve never used bleach in my laundry to begin with, so take my bleach opinion with a grain of salt. The vinegar and baking soda wash seems to keep them white and fluffy.
Anon
I prefer white towels for bleaching, also. My husband has severe psoriasis, and often ends up leaving blood on our towels and washcloths.
I have heard good things about both the house brand BB&B towels, and the house brand Costco towels. I am still using Martha Stewart K-Mart towels, that’s how long those suckers last! Wish her new line was as good.
EM84
I would go for white – it is a universal color, easy to spot whether it is time to change them, and as you said – in the worst case, you can always bleach them. I was recently replacing my towels after 10+ years and was lost among all the brands and options. So I chose based on these rules: only 100% cotton, either Turkish or Egyptian cotton and very high thread count. I ended up with Herzbach towel set from Amazon (never heard of that brand before that) and they are excellent. I have bought another set for my parents as well and they are happy, too. FWIW, I dry them on fresh air and they tumble-dry theirs.
Anonymous
I have exclusively bought white towels for 20 years – best decision ever! You can wash them in hot water, and bleach is a plus (although some towels will yellow with bleach). The Nordstrom brand has been my only brand for 10 years, and I’ve never looked back. They hold up well, and they always have them in stock for replacements. If you can wait until the Anniversary Sale in July/August, they are always on sale during that time. Quality has never dropped off over the years.
Anonymous
I only ever buy white or ivory towels because I hate it when towels start smelling musty, and I’ve found that Tide and vinegar in the wash only do so much to combat towel smells. They don’t last forever but they last a pretty long time and being able to completely sterilize them when they get mildewed or are used to clean up gross messes (I have a separate set of old towels that are supposed to be used to clean up vomit, etc. but they don’t get used for that purpose when the chips are down) is a big plus.
smiley
Late response, but I have the Frontgate bath sheets that Wirecutter recommends, in white. They are INCREDIBLE — one year later they are just as fluffy and soft, still look brand new. They are snuggly and luxurious and my favorite part of my morning routine. They are actually absorbent unlike some super fluffy towels, and yet still dry quickly! I got a set of 4 for about 100 bucks with a coupon (which they have semi-frequently). I swear I’m not a Frontgate shill, just really really love these towels.