Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Peacock Shirt with Tie

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

BASLER Peacock Shirt with TieI feel like I am seeing beautiful blouse after beautiful blouse this season — including this gorgeous peacock-themed one from BASLER. I love the vibrant teal and royal blue, mixed with the more muted brown and green, and I love the ombre effect — I think it would look stunning by itself, and very chic under a blazer or cardigan. I’m a bit . . . intrigued? . . . that a $350 blouse is made from polyester, but it is machine washable, so there you go. It’s $350 at Bloomingdale’s. BASLER Peacock Shirt with Tie

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]
(L-2)

Comments

  1. Dear Bluejay,

    Please start calling me in the morning to motivate me to go to the gym on Mondays.

    Sincerely,

    Jordan with a muffin top in all my work pants.

  2. @ regular commenter Susan:

    Someone posted under your name over the weekend, and for the integrity of your handle and my archive I’d like you to review and let me know whether it was actually you. For quick access to the comment and some of the questions it raises, please see http://ellenwatch.blogspot.com/2012/10/luncheon-with-two-of-his-kronies.html. I greatly appreciate your help.

    do diliegeince,
    ELLENWatch

    PS. I welcome anyone’s feedback on my new logo. I was going to put it up in honor of my upcoming 20,000 pageviews milestone, but I just couldn’t wait. Two particular areas of interest are whether reader’s feel I need to add earrings and/or bangs. YAY!!!!

    • e_pontellier :

      ELLENWatch: I think your new logo is great. I would love to see Ellen post about a comment about her hairstyle and preferred jewelry.

    • lucy stone :

      I vote no to bangs, yes to earrings.

    • Susan ([email protected]) :

      That “Susan” who posted over the weekend was definitely not me. I’m including my email in my handle if that helps (probably not).

      I almost never post on the weekends.

      One feature that would be great to have on this site is an option to log in under a handle, that way, we don’t have this confusion. Similarly, those wanting to adopt a handle (like Meg Murry) can find out through the log-in bot pretty quickly whether somebody’s already got it or not.

      • grrrr.

      • Thank you, Susan. I was pretty sure it wasn’t you.

        Believe it or not, the people I think are responsible for this “Susan” post are fairly ingratiating. (The “Sunshine Girls”– regular commenters on ELLENWatch who may or may not be Ellen themselves.) I suspect that between your post here and an admonishment I will post on my own site, this won’t happen again.

        • Susan ([email protected]) :

          I admit I’m impressed by your posting-style forensics. But Susan’s a common-enough name that it could have been a coincidence, with no mischief intended.

          Some time ago, I posted that I hated my given name, which is as common as “Susan,” and of the same generation (even though I’m not of that generation.)

          What sealed it for me was hearing an old Whitney Houston song, “My Name Is Not Susan.” Perhaps now’s the time for me to officially change my handle to fit my email address.

          • Yep, Susan was one of their preferred names previous to your arrival (as Susan at least). But do whatever you want! Real people take precedence.

    • ELLENWatch :

      I am crazy and WAY too obsessed with a fake character.

  3. Hmm…interesting?

  4. I think it’s hilarious that this is a peac*ck print and we can’t put peac*ck in a posting without moderation. At any rate, sorry Kat, but I think this blouse is really ugly. Not a fan of tie blouses and the peac*ck print is strange and the bottom looks muddy.

  5. This question may make me seem dorky. What do y’all do when hosting parties? We usually host football game watching parties or the like, but now we’re just throwing a regular old party. Not a dinner party, just a party. There will be food and drinks. Do we need to have activities too?

    • Eating and drinking are activities, no? You could have fun music. Do you have outdoor space for cornhole or bocce if people wanted to throw things? If there are kids invited, I would have a designated space/food/activities for them, but I think adults can amuse themselves easily.

    • What about games? Like Taboo, Celebrity, Apples to Apples or something? Depends on the size of the party really and how well the people know each other — sometimes I like activities, especially if the guests maybe don’t each other as well, and sometimes activities aren’t necessary if everyone knows each other really well.

      • We’re expecting around 40 people, so I think that may be too many for that type of game. Pretty much everyone will have a group of friends there, but very few people will know everyone.

      • Legally Red :

        I usually make sure games like this are out when I have parties without planned activities. That way, if there is an awkward lull, and eating and drinking isn’t enough of an activity, a group can start playing.

        • Yes, I do this too – not everyone has to play, but there will always be 4 or 5 people who would rather do that than sit around talking.

    • My secret to a great party is get everyone drunk on delicious punch and play awesome music from the 90s. Drunkenly screaming the lyrics to Whatta Man is never not fun.

      • I like your style :)

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Oh my goodness, I made a Salt-n-Pepa station on Pandora awhile ago and it is pretty much the greatest thing ever. I have to keep myself from singing out loud at work.

      • Susan ([email protected]) :

        Awesomeness. Now, I can’t get that song out of my head. LOL.

      • Honey Pillows :

        I know for a fact you do not live in my neighborhood, yet this exact party was thrown two doors down on Friday night. You should’ve come!

    • Play music and have some playing cards handy.

    • Anne Shirley :

      I don’t usually have activities, but I like to have some sort of easy thing to talk about- a movie playing silently, a fun snack, hidden candy all ober, to break the ice i also make a friend or two a deputy hostess- ie please show up a few early so I’m not all alone at the start, here are a few people who’ll need introductions etc. After the first hour people are usually entertaining themselves just fine.

    • My group of friends likes games like charades, celebrity, etc. However, some people hate games, so you have to go with the flow. I’d suggest having some games ready but skip ‘em if the party is going well without them.

    • emcsquared :

      My friends usually do a good job mingling around the food/wine tables. However, I like to leave out some interesting coffee table books (Post Secret is a fave) in case people need a conversation starter.

      I know nametags are gross, but for a group of 40 who won’t necessarily know everybody, consider putting them out to avoid the awkward “omg, I just met that guy but don’t remember his name anymore” moments.

  6. I just need to share the story of the strangest thing that happened to my roommate this weekend with SOMEONE and I figured you guys would get a kick out of it. He had a (first) date Friday – when I got home from work he was cleaning his room “just in case.” (ha) I went out, came home and he and his date were there. I thought nothing of it, and the next morning I got up, went to the gym, etc. I got back around 2 o’clock and she was… still there.

    Still, I was just going about my life, I left in the early evening to go to dinner with some friends. When I got home late Saturday night, my roommate was standing in the hallway. I asked him if his friend was still there, and he got this really pained expression on his face and went “Yeah. I’ll talk to you about it later.”

    I went to bed, get up Sunday, go about my day/life and come home mid afternoon. My roommate goes, “She’s still here. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET HER TO LEAVE. I have asked her, I’ve made up stuff I needed to do and she won’t leave. She went home for an hour to get more clothes.”

    I was like well, dude, I gotta work tomorrow and so you have to get her to leave somehow. He was like, “I don’t want to be rude but I literally have said, “So you should probably get going…” and she has said, “No, I don’t need to.”” He said he was going to let her stay for dinner and then make her leave.

    She returns from picking up clothes with her 5 year old child (whom she had NOT mentioned to my roommate at all, let alone let him know she’d be bringing with), a high chair, stroller, and portable crib (her child is developmentally delayed). I was completely startled by this and when I got home Sunday night, the kid was asleep in the crib in my living room. I pulled my roommate aside to be like dude, this girl kind of has to leave, we can’t have 5 year olds living here… and he was like “I *know*. She hid my keys and she won’t tell me where they are.”

    Eventually he forced her hand by being like “I’m calling you a cab, and I am going to put you in it, and I don’t care that it is going to cost you $100+ to get home” at which point, his keys miraculously reappeared and the car was reloaded up (SUV seriously stuffed to the gills with her/her child’s things) and she left, with a lot of tears and pleading with my roommate to “Just explain to [the child] why she can’t stay here. JUST TELL HER.”

    So that happened this weekend. I’m still reeling from the absurdity of the whole thing.

    • Dude – whoa. That’s just…. I can’t even.

    • Diana Barry :

      OMG. Your poor roommate! (And you!)

    • The Most Interesting Man in the World :

      I don’t always bring people home after the first date, but when I do, I accept the risk that they may be emotionally unstable.

    • OMG. That’s insane. Also, her poor kid.

    • I have never been so happy to be single as I am right now. Wow.

    • That’s insane! You can’t even make up stuff like this.

    • Skippy pea :

      Dude! Looks like dating is a seriously dangerous sport now! Should be included in top 10 hazardous activities list for insurance providers!

      Glad to be out of it!

    • holy crap. I hope that’s the last you hear from her. Is there any chance she took roommate’s keys with her when she left for that hour? Just want to make sure she didn’t make a copy of your key.

    • That is totally absurd. On the plus side, it lasted only 48 hours or so? and she didn’t steal your money/laptops?? (happened to some girls in college)

      er, and she sounds homeless? would def offer to go in halfsies for lock changing if roomate doesn’t want to do it himself.

      • No didn’t steal anything (at least from me). We have dogs and my roommate works from home, so hopefully if she tries to break in it causes a commotion.

    • springtime :

      Wow- sounds like she didn’t have a place to sleep that weekend or something. Really creepy and sad.

      Lock changing sounds like a good idea.

      • And where was her child during all the “on no, I don’t need to leave yet”?

        • I don’t know! Where was the kid staying while she was hanging out for the whole weekend? And she had JUST met my roommate Friday – she didn’t know he wasn’t a creepy child molester, why on earth would she bring her kid to stay at our house?

        • Research, Not Law :

          This, this, this. I thought the story was hilarious until the kid entered the picture. Who had her child for all that time???

    • What??? That’s insane!

    • SDChicky619 :

      Where/how did your roomie meet her? I’m so curious.

      • Plenty of Fish. He said he’s never internet dating again — I said this girl is NOT indicative of most internet dates…

        • Susan ([email protected]) :

          He should never date again until he gets some therapy to develop a backbone.

          That’s the crux issue here.

          Whatever happened to, “No, I told you to leave, and you have 10 seconds before I call the police.”

          • I kind of agree with this – Letting her back in the house after she left to pick up clothes? Hiding keys and then letting her stay for dinner?
            At this point he knew she was off-kilter. There’s being a nice guy, and then there’s well, THIS.

          • I am honestly not sure what I would have done. She did hide the keys after dinner (and after he had told her multiple times that they would be leaving as soon as dinner was done). She was hysterically upset when it came time to actually go and hid the keys (she said she couldn’t find them but surprise, they were in her purse), but I agree, he should have stood up to her earlier. I think he was just completely startled by the whole experience and had no idea HOW to respond.

          • Yeah, I mean this is a crazy situation but this is half of your roommates fault. Am I reading correctly (since she hid HIS keys and HE had to drive her home) that he drove her to her house and brought back all that stuff plus her child???

            maybe I am reading it wrong but if I am not, your roommate has the most no backbone and is a little loco himself.

          • I agree with this. The part of the story that really threw me was when it transpired that she “wouldn’t leave” but had gone home for an hour to get more clothes. Holy h*ll, why did he unlock the door for her when she returned?!?!

          • She didn’t have a car – he picked her up initially (and planned to drive her back, presumably Friday night or Saturday) and took a cab there in the afternoon and came back by cab. So she brought all the stuff (and the kid) herself. It must have been at least a $100 cab ride there and back and he told her he was happy to drive her home so she could spend the rest of the afternoon there but she refused.

            From what he can tell, she took his keys from our key hook and put them in her purse at some point during dinner.

            He should have told her Sunday morning that she needed to leave but I did see him Sunday say “I need to go into work this afternoon” and “Don’t you need to be getting back home?” and “I really think you should go home, I have a lot of things to get done.” I think he was struggling with not wanting to be rude/mean but wanting her to leave.

          • Should clarify – he said at first he thought she was just a really clingy girl and figured if she really wanted to stay for dinner, he could live with it. It was when she brought the kid and all the kids stuff back that it reached true levels of WTFery. I think he was also at the beginning of the weekend thinking a lot with his p*nis.

          • Yeah, while I understand the confusion at his over-niceness, I also think the pure “What the H-LL is happening here??” of it would have caused me to stumble, too!

        • I don’t blame the roommate. Sometimes when someone just brings the crazy, you don’t know how to react! That’s so nuts!

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      This sounds like some crazy story Barney would come up with on How I Met Your Mother.

      Totally absurd. Definitely change the locks asap.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      W!O!W!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Ladies! Please accessorize me! I’m wearing this dress (link to follow) to a black tie event soon. I’m thinking a big gold cuff but haven’t found anything I like yet. Any suggestions for that or other accessories?

  8. e_pontellier :

    Relationship (marriage) TJ.
    As we’ve discussed, my DH is … challenging, at times. Long story short, I *very* gently told him that I think one way to help work on the problems we have is for him to start therapy. This resulted in him saying, “I’m just me. I’m not going to change” and ultimately completely resisting therapy. I’m not asking him to change, I’m asking him to be a bit more compassionate. Any suggestions on how to continue encouraging him to go to therapy? I really do think it will help.

    • Hugs to you!!! Are you in therapy? I think if he sees you going and understanding that it’s something you need for the marriage to work, he might come around eventually. If he doesn’t, then you two really need to have a heart-to-heart about how unhappy you are and that all you want is for him to be the man you need. Good luck <3

      • e_pontellier :

        Yes I am in therapy. I hope he comes around.

        • Sydney Bristow :

          Have you talked with your therapist about how to approach him on this issue? She or he might have some advice.

          Another idea would be to ask him to come to one of your sessions. Then he might see more clearly how his behavior affects you and be more open to the idea of going to therapy himself.

        • Until he knew that I had been to a divorce lawyer my husband wouldn’t go to therapy. After that, he was the one who made the appointment and got us both there.

          Ultimately, it worked wonders and completely saved our marriage, but it was hard work.

    • Diana Barry :

      Urgh. Is he likely to be more receptive if you frame it as something that will help YOU? E.g., does he respond when you say “this XYZ thing that you are doing is hurtful to ME. If you go to therapy, this will help ME in this way”. Maybe K or someone more experienced in this kind of thing will chime in here.

      • K...in transition :

        you rang? hehe

        Seriously, this is pretty clearly a case of your husband choosing his own comfort zone over your needs and your collective needs. I would begin to speak with the therapist about options for yourself. I don’t just mean continuing therapy on your own, I mean that you know he’s not going to change from what he is right now and what that means for your choices and your personal future.

        Also, if you’re at the breaking point, I would encourage you to tell him that. Explain that you understand he’s not interested in going but that you really feel that, unless you begin to go together, your marriage won’t survive. Explain that you can’t and won’t continue as things are and that you foresee an end to your relationship unless you both put in some serious work with a therapist.

        His reaction to that, if nothing else, will be incredibly telling and I hope you’re willing/able to recognize it for its meaning (your therapist can also help with this, as needed). Best wishes!

        • Brooklyn, Esq. :

          Seconding this to the nth power.

        • K is right on the reaction. When I told my ex-husband I wanted a divorce, his only response was “We can’t afford a divorce.” Pretty much summed up my whole marriage and made it pretty gosh darn easy to leave (obviously once I got the courage to say it after I’d been thinking it for years).

    • Hey gurl, stop being gentle. Obviously, that’s not working with him. Speak up and slam this thought into him – YOU NEED HIM IN THERAPY. IF HE DOESN’T GO, HE’S NOT FULFILLING YOUR NEEDS AND THAT MAKES HIM A SUCKY HUSBAND. In a marriage, sometimes it’s about the other spouse.

      • Also, FOOEY and RAWRRRRRRRRRRRR

        • SF Bay Associate :

          I couldn’t have said it any better than Godzilla.

        • LadyEnginerd :

          I couldn’t say it better myself. When someone tells you about who they are, LISTEN. Please do take some time coming to terms (with the assistance of your therapist) with what the rest of your life will be like if he does not change at all from the way he is, and the way he treats you right now.

          • e_pontellier :

            But he hasn’t always been like this. He used to be so much nicer to me. He also used to be on anti-depressants.

          • e, he flat out told you he is not willing to go back to being that person who is nice or at least a half-way decent spouse. Listen to him.

          • LadyEnginerd :

            And he might yet change, but he is not going to sans antidepressants and therapy, both of which are his choice, and he is choosing not to pursue either avenue for improving your marriage. To take a page from Godzilla, and because my caps lock is underutilized (ahem) YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM CHANGE IF HE DOES NOT WANT TO OR THINK HE NEEDS TO. rawr. meow.

            But what I think will be productive for you is to think about the things you CAN change, and accept that this list does NOT include your husband or his treatment for depression. What choices can you make this very minute, independent of your husband, that will improve you your life. With his behavior as you describe it, your husband will drag you down faster than you can build yourself up. What can you do to improve your life or inoculate your life from your husband’s depression? Discuss with therapist and meditate on the serenity prayer.

          • Whoa whoa whoa. Okay today is super busy, so I’ll try to come back, but I think this is the first I’ve seen you mention that he used to be on anti-depressants. That raised a red flag with me because of a similar situation I dealt with recently. Could it be that he needs to be back on anti-depressants and/or therapy? Why did he go off them? Did you know beforehand? Was it a decision he made with his doctor/therapist/whatever? Getting him back on anti-depressants or into therapy–whatever his doc may recommend– may be a huge step to getting you two back on track.

            Part of his obligation to you as your husband is to take care of himself. He’s not doing that if he just unilaterally quits taking anti-depressants.

          • Truth. People are ALWAYS telling us who they are. LISTEN to what he is and isn’t saying.

      • Ha! I was married to a guy who wouldn’t go to therapy and also believed that “this is the way I am and people don’t change”. After a few years of that, I had enough. And when I was totally checked out, he asked to go to therapy – at which point it was too little, too late.

        You are not asking him to change. You are asking him to do something that makes him uncomfortable or is difficult for him, in the name of saving your marriage and helping you be happier in the marriage. Maybe you can explain to him all things you do for him, because you care for him – even when they are uncomfortable or difficult – and ask him to do the same for you in this case.

        Try explaining to him that this is about you and your needs, not him. That might help.

        Good luck!

    • What if you say you’ll do something he wants you to do that you’ve been resistant to (plan your vacation around visiting a baseball stadium, watch xx movies etc.) if he’ll do that. He has to go first but you’ll hold up your end of the bargain.

    • Oh, this would make me so mad. I probably would have said all sorts of choice things about his lack of effort in making a marriage work. But, playing this out, if he is insistent that he won’t change, can you continue to live with him the way he is?

    • Anne Shirley :

      You are asking him to change. You are asking him to change from being an inconsiderate a$$h0le into a decent man who demonstrates his love for you in ways that do not include yelling, belittling, or the silent treatment. Ways that make your life better instead of worse. Why are you “asking kindly?”. He isn’t kind. Tell him bluntly- it’s his own communication style, maybe he’ll get it then.

    • Could you turn it to WE need to go to couples therapy to work on our marriage together? Use couples therapy as a gateway to individual therapy? You aren’t asking him to change who he is, you just want to have better communication between the two of you.
      Also, wasn’t it you that mentioned at one point that your husband had been on antidepressants and gained a lot of weight? Maybe he is afraid of going down that path again, which is why he’s resisting going to therapy. Sorry if I’m mixing him with someone else.
      Also, regarding the “I’m just me, I’m not going to change” – has he changed since you married him (for the worse?) or since you started dating/got engaged? If so, then he obviously has changed (for the worse) and now you’re hoping he’ll change for the better, or at least get back to who he was then.

      • And to piggyback on Anne Shirley’s “tell him bluntly” – make an appointment. Then tell him “We have an appointment for couples therapy on DATE at TIME. This is very important to me. If that date doesn’t work for you let me know when a better day for me to reschedule would be, but we are going to see someone to talk about the issues we’ve been having lately”.

        • e_pontellier :

          I tried this a few months ago and he didn’t go. Then he finally came, and accused me of making things up the whole time we were with the therapist. The therapist was basically like, “well, e_pontellier, sounds like you need some individual therapy and Mr. e_pontellier, you just need to be patient with your poor delusional wife.”
          Needless to say, this was not terribly helpful and I am terrified of going back to couples counseling.

          • This kind of thing is a hallmark of therapy in abusive relationships – the abuser often comes off looking rational and the victim does not, and the therapist is used against them.

          • Always a NYer :

            That therapist sounds horrid. Calling you delusional is highly unprofessional and not helpful to your situation at all. What about seeing a new therapist who is more understanding?

          • Diana Barry :

            Agh. This is awful! I hope the therapist you are seeing now is better! (not the same one!!!) Could he come to your session with you???

          • This is why couple’s therapy is not recommended for relationships with issues of control or abuse.

          • Brooklyn, Esq. :

            DC Jenny, is that true? I have never heard that before, which is surprising because I come from a family of psychologists.

            e_pontellier, I just want to say that (as I think you know), this therapist sounds like a huge a**hole. If this is the only route to getting your husband to therapy, please try it again. Ask your therapist for a referral.

          • Brooklyn, I have heard that from several sources, but the one that stands out is Carolyn Hax. And it makes sense to me too for exactly the reason anon described above.

          • thats one of the big warning signs of an abusive relationship. I think its rare that therapy has actually changed a controlling, abusive, depressed husband.

            He is awful to you. You have shared stories about his behavoir that have literally made me tear up. He belittles you and does not support you. You have also stated that you will never leave him. Why would he change? he gets to revel in being a selfish ahole, with no reprocussions except that you become more timid, more willing not to provoke him, more willing to be oh so gentle with your perfectly reasonable and necessary request. I second the advice of asking him to come to your session if you like your therapist. And if you are truly willing to live with this for the rest of your life, I second DC jenny’s advice below, I hope you can find a strong support system where you can find fufillment outside of your marriage.

            As someone who also believes marriage is for life, and divorce is not something I ever want to consider, if I ever had to find my fufillment outside of my marriage just to be able to technically say I was still married, I would feel that it was just a loophole.

          • If he told the couples councilor you were lying, what makes you think he would be honest with his own therapist if you could get him to go? I think you might get something out of using your current therapist to do a his + hers + ours therapy sessions, but otherwise I don’t think he’s going to get anything out of going to a therapist if he wouldn’t be honest with them.

            Have you told him he’s not the person you married? And that he has already changed and you want the person you married back? Ask him what he wants to do about the fact that your relationship is falling apart. You are going to therapy, what else can you do and what is he willing to do? If he says “nothing” then you have your answer and you need to decide what to do from there.

            Did he stop taking anti-depressants because of side effects (I think you mentioned weight gain at one point?)? Or did he not like how he felt on them? Or did his prescription just run out and he didn’t go back to the doctor to renew it? Talk to him about how much happier your relationship was when he was on antidepressants and ask if he’s willing to explore that route again, possibly a different type if there were negatives he didn’t like.

            He’s probably getting defensive if you are approaching it as “YOU need to go to therapy” – try a “what can WE do approach?” But make sure that HE is doing something as part of this WE – not just making criticisms and suggestions for you.

          • I was dating a controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive man for the past 2 years. I was in therapy for 6 months (on my own) and couples therapy for 2 months before I finally got out of the relationship. Couples therapy did absolutely no good. The counselor refused to call him out on his behavior. But once we broke up, I went to see her and she said it was patently clear that he was abusive, that I was bending over backwards to make it work, and that things would never change with him. She said it was best for me to stay away from him.

            I then spent another 2 months in therapy just trying to stay away from him. During those 2 months I also had friends and family stay with me and spend an inordinate amount of time with me – to fill the gap that was left when we broke up. I have spent 4 months not talking to him at all, and he is still stalking and harassing me – fortunately I am not clear headed enough to see the abuse for what it was.

            I know that when you are in a relationship like this, it is impossible to envision yourself leaving or getting out. You feel so emotionally connected, even when he is terrible to you. My advice is to (1) continue seeing your therapist, (2) talk to friends and family when he is abusive towards you – it will help you think clearly about the pattern and feel stronger in the relationship, (3) DO NOT remain isolated, and (4) read this book: Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It is the only book I found that uses good research to explain what he is doing. why you cannot change him. and what to expect.

      • anon for this :

        My husband has been dealing with depression, which he thinks is completely controlled by medication, but which is not. Although he was not ready to admit that he needed therapy, he was willing to admit that he and I were having communication issues. We go to couples counseling now. It mostly consists of him talking to the therepist about his struggles with finding a job and retaining a sense of self worth. Occasionally the therapist and I talk about how I can communicate support in a way that he understands and can feel, as opposed to just hear.

        It may be that he is more comfortable viewing the whole thing as a team effort for the two of us, or it may be that he likes having me there, but it has definately been helping him make positive changes.

    • I’m hardly qualified to give advice in this matter, but have you asked him to do marital counseling with both of you going together? He might be more into going to therapy if you go with him.

      My husband is not into therapy, but he has agreed to do couples counseling if it’s important to me. We haven’t done it yet–I’ve decided I have a lot of my own issues to work through first–but it might work for you.

    • viclawstudent :

      I know a lot of guys who have this idea in their heads about what therapy “means” that makes it hard for them to go – that they are “broken” or “sick,” that they have to go up their personal agency to the therapist, that the therapist will brainwash them into changing, that they are doing something shameful in going. (Presumably there are also women with this opinion, but I have heard it much more from men; to the same degree that I have seen reluctance in many men to go to the doctor at all, actually.)

      Has he ever gone to therapy before? Does anyone he knows well (besides you) go to therapy and indicate that it’s a good thing? It may be that it needs normalizing before he’ll understand that it’s not a “bad” thing to go to therapy.

      On the other hand, I hear what everyone else is saying about telling him more forcefully. It’s also possible he doesn’t understand what this means to you.

    • Ok, I apologize in advance if this is harsh, but since you have said you will never leave him, what incentive does he have to change his ways? Obviously your unhappiness is not enough to motivate him to change or even attempt to change, so I seriously doubt there is anything else you can do at this point to convince. He has made it abundantly clear that he is more invested in the status quo than your happiness.

      I think if you are not going to even entertain the idea of separating, you need to think about how you are going to live your life with him exactly as he is right now. Develop hobbies that keep you out of the house? Cultivate a support network of family and friends to give you the emotional support you are missing at home? Travel a lot? Throw all your time and energy into your career?

      • Exactly my thoughts.

      • Nailed it. Unfortunately.

      • Yep, what DC Jenny said. You’ve told him what you need and he’s said no. So your options are: (1) the marriage, as it is; (2) not marriage. You’ve said #2 is out, so this is your marriage. (Sure sure sure, maybe he wakes up one day and is like “OMG I have been such an a-hole and now is the moment I change and become Mr. Amazing.” But let’s assume that’s not going to happen.) The good news is that you’ve been pouring all this energy into him and into improving the marriage. You can stop doing that! Now you have all this energy you can use for other things! So go live the life you want to live. Do the work you want to do. Seek friends who provide you with the support you want to have. You’ve said before that he berates you. Well, you can’t control what comes out of his mouth, but you can control how you handle it. Now you just shrug and say “I don’t see it that way” and if he keeps talking, you just walk off and do something more interesting. (In fact, you don’t have to share with him the things that often trigger these tirades because, hey, you were just sharing to have the kind of intimacy and support good marriages have. Now you can go share with your new, supportive friends instead and don’t need to share with him.) Look, I realize I’m being flip, and that all this is much harder than it sounds, but I do think that, at this point, it’s on you if you keep trying to change him. He’s said he won’t. You can stay or go, but staying and expecting change is just unrealistic and setting yourself up for misery.

        • I think this is a good point. But I again want to point out my “loophole” point. If this is the way you go, consider that you are a marriage just in name and not in spirit, and examine your no divorce policy and see if it truly means this. Would it mean no divorce even if he were sleeping with a new woman every week? If it would, then I guess TBK suggestions are what you should do. But if you would consider divorce if he was having an affair every week, please at least consider the option of divorce when he is emotionally this awful and closed off for you.

    • E dear, you know I love you from the world. But seriously girl — he’s actually not wrong about one thing. You can change individual attributes about a spouse (my husband didn’t eat ethnic food when we met…or vegetables for that matter) — but you can’t change their fundamental personality. And if his fundamental personality is telling him not to give a d*mn and not to put any work whatsoever into your marriage, then its time to stop being nice and start getting real up in your marriage. (As they would say on MTV…)

      But seriously, sometimes people ARE telling you the truth. And you just have to be willing to listen. Even if the thing they’re telling you is the worst thing in the world.

    • e_pontellier :

      Thank you all. This is scary and upsetting, but incredibly helpful.

      • K...in transition :

        You have a nationwide (and probably international) network of women who love and support you. We say things out of love for you, not out of dislike for this man we don’t know. Although choices are always more simple for those without emotional ties, you’ve also been in an emotionally abusive marriage for a long time, so you might just not be able to see things truly right now.

        I am so glad you’re seeing a professional and I encourage you also to contact the local hospital, ask them to connect you with a local women’s shelter (often they’re not listed publicly for safety reasons) and ask the shelter if they have or know of free support groups for women related to emotional abuse. A local network of those who have been there could be really helpful and it might also be a way for you to see the reality of your marriage in the experiences of others.

        I worry for you and I am so glad to know you via here well enough to know that you’re amazing, strong, brave, and awesome and that, if/when you choose to move forward without him, you’re going to be even brighter a star than you already are because his shadow will no longer be blocking your light.

        • LadyEnginerd :

          K, you are so eloquent and caring.

          Practical note – universities sometimes have these support groups too (even if they don’t publicize them), and if not they’ll know where to find one in the community. e, since you’re in school it might be worth calling the counseling center to see if they can point you in the right direction.

      • Brooklyn, Esq. :

        e_p, just want you to know that my offer for coffee in Brooklyn still stands. If you want to take the steps K…in transition suggests, too, I’m happy to sit with you while you make calls.

    • Susan ([email protected]) :

      When I feed your husband’s “I’m just me. I’m not going to change” into my subtext translator, it spits out the following:

      “I don’t care you’re unhappy. I don’t care enough about you to change. And, I’ve been an @sshole to you for awhile, and you’ve been putting up with my sh!t. So, nyah-nyah, you’re not happy about it, but what are you gonna do about it? Clearly nothing other than put up with more than my sh!t because I’ve called your bluff.”

      I want to find you a good lawyer and a good financial advisor. At this point, your husband’s begging to be served the divorce papers.

      • It pains me to agree with Susan but I do, about 345346%. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. HUGS AND RAWRS.

        • Can we also request that he be served the divorce papers VIA a process server wearing a Godzilla costume? Knock knock, RAWR, you’ve been served, a**h***. (breathes fire, walks away).

          • LadyEnginerd :

            New Business Idea! If you watch the League, similar to the cowboy idea but so, so much better! We’ll call it “Serves You Right,” and you’ll have your choice of Godzilla, a Yeti, and Optimus Prime at first, more to follow once we find financing and/or a real business model.

          • I would love to serve every person I’ve ever had to serve this way. Like — you have the beginnings of a brilliant business model here.

          • I think we should also add the Dowager Countess to the list of process servers. Always classy, but she’d have some choice remarks!

          • Right?????????? NOBODY would ever expect Godzilla to serve papers.

          • “Serve the Papers, Godzilla” –> [the site that shall not be named]-speak for DTMFA.

        • In the Pink :

          Perhaps the papers could arrive/be delivered in singed envelopes, just for effect?

          Hang in there E, because you’re asking and thinking and listening and pondering…you’re closer to doing what is right for YOU.

    • LadyEnginerd :

      One more thing. Have you discussed the various power imbalances in your marriage with your therapist? If I recall correctly, these include him being significantly older, making significantly more money and being more established in his career, as well as some cultural expectations from your childhood about marriage and the role of women (reading into your not believing in divorce and your description of your high school – I apologize if I am off base). We all internalize things about our place in the world and in our relationships. Do you really feel like his equal? Why are you asking nicely that he manage his chronic mental illness instead of demanding he step up and take care of you by taking care of himself?

      These are all rhetorical questions, but I’ve been seeing each new thing you tell us, and the language you use to describe each incident, us thru this lens (I believe he “scolded” you at one point?). I firmly believe that people tell you who they are. In your case, reading your comments gives me the sense that you and your husband are not equals in your marriage and that he has significantly more power than you do. If this doesn’t seem entirely off base, I hope you explore this avenue with your therapist. You worry me, and remind me of what I felt like when I dated an abusive, controlling man.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      I think you have been giving amazing guidance and I am terribly sad you are experiencing this, but this whole post made me call my husband just to tell him that I loved him……

  9. Diana Barry :

    So I got a new pair of leopard (!) moccasins (Minnetonka) that I am wearing to work today. Woohoo!

    Can anyone think of good “regular clothes” adult Halloween costumes for my husband and me to wear next week? We will be toting 3 kids around the neighborhood, so comfort is a plus. Also, one of us has to carry the baby, who will either be a ladybug or a pumpkin. Please help! :)

  10. In-House Europe :

    just…wow. seriously? this happened? wow.

    • In-House Europe :

      And …it is Monday. This was for crazy one night stand lady above.

      And this shirt is horrid. And old. Blech.

  11. Hi – Can anyone recommend a financial adviser in Manhattan for my 60-something parents? They are risk adverse investors who want a little guidance as to how to safely invest some extra money. I’m thinking it should be someone who charges by the hour (i.e. doesn’t get an incentive payment for any investment) and has a reasonable rate. Thanks!

    • No adviser rec — just have them put it in a Vanguard mutual fund. If they are planning on keeping the money invested forever, they can put it in a stock-heavy fund; if they want to use it soon, money-market; if they want to use it in the medium term, more of a bond-heavy fund.

      • Second the Vanguard rec. You can also call Vanguard and talk to them for free about what you need. I had some money burning a hole in my pocket and a nice man from Virginia very patiently listened to me talk for 45 minutes before I decided what to do with it. He was very low pressure and really very nice. We went through the very classic financial planning method of deciding what I was saving the money for (timeline) and my risk tolerance.

      • Thanks – they already have a vanguard fund and were hoping to take the next step in investing but if vanguard makes the most sense, than I ‘ll tell them to call the vanguard people and talk to them.

  12. Update on the Michael Kors dress from Saks:

    I ended up ordering it (wanted a navy work dress), but the strap on the outside kept falling off my shoulders and just looked like the dress was too big/drunken slutty…

    But I realized when I pinched them together, it didn’t look odd and that it looked nice as the fabric is nice and solid and the lines/cut made it look interesting. So I sewed the straps together (30 mins?) and voila! I love it. Since the straps come out of two pieces aleady pieced together in the body, it doesn’t look like “2 straps sewn together” but rather that they continued the interesting lines in the dress.

    • nice save! I bet it looks great.

    • I also have an update! I got it this weekend (was impressed with how fast the delivery was). I have broad shoulders, so I didn’t have the same problem with the straps. My one hesitation is that it was at the edge of my comfort zone length-wise, since I usually aim to have things hit right above the knee and this was more like 2-3″ above the knee. (But I’m 5’8″ with long legs, so it probably wouldn’t be a problem for most.) I decided that it was about the same length as another shift dress I wear pretty regularly, so I’m hanging on to it and happy with the bargain. It does need a belt if you want a strongly defined waist, but I love belting things at the waist so that’s not a downside for me.

      • Oh, that’s funny! I have the opposite issue in that it’s almost too long (I’m short/petite and look for dresses that fit too short on the models so that it’ll look hit correctly on me or stick to petite sizing), but great of you to mention!

  13. Almost There :

    Last week I asked about wearing that green Vince Camuto top Kat featured to a small firm/small market interview. And someone mentioned a dark purple top with my charcoal suit, and now I’m obsessed. Does anyone have any ideas for a great dark purple top that would go well under a suit? I am hoping for under $50. I liked the drapey-ness about last Friday’s green top cause it will (hopefully) cover up my pudgy belly. TYIA!

  14. How is it you can have an awesome weekend doing lots of fun things, but a guy completely leading you on and then blowing you off can ruin it? ugh so upset at myself for even caring this much :(.

    • springtime :

      Boo that sucks! JSFAMO!! (I really need to buy one of those mugs!)

      Is anyone still selling them?

    • Hear hear. Sometimes caring is the worst.

    • Did you take your kid to his house?

    • Awe that does suck – treat yourself today if you can. (I recommend a latte and pastry or a very large glass of wine after work).

    • Susan ([email protected]) :

      *hugs*

      Sorry to hear about it. Caring does mean one’s vulnerable to these outrageous slings & arrows, but the alternative is worse– being numb. You’ll meet better guys, don’t blame yourself.

    • Guy finally messaged- was so busy yesterday (lies, I saw he was online…) and couldn’t call. Then proceeds to claim he is too busy to meet up in the near future. So I replied:

      “Thanks for wasting my time- next time, please just be honest; don’t flake out, cancel, and fail to own up to how you feel. I don’t really care if you aren’t interested, but I do care when someone pretends to be.”

      Mean? Yes. Have I ever done this before? Heck no!! Was it worth it? YES YES YES

  15. The manageing partner is haveing a Haloween party at his house next weekend, but it is AFTER haloween! I told him that but he said Margie did NOT have time to plan anything earlyer. I said have a THANKSGIVEING party then, and we can all be dressed up as PILGRIM’s, but he said he would ask his wife.

    I have calendar call tomorow, and am calleing Roberta this afternoon about 2 case’s. I also think I will see Brian in court b/c he has alot of cases there. I do NOT think the judge think’s that much of Brian b/c he is a sloppy dresser and his shoe’s are alway’s dirty.

    Jim called about the do diliegience and said that the general council think’s we should have done alot more. (Duh! — if he had not been at the game’s we could have, but he did NOT even show up until noon after the game. FOOEY!) I need to tell the manageing partner, b/c he could get touchey about the billeing. My dad also think’s that Jim was silly with the baseball game’s.

    • K...in transition :

      Ellen, what will you dress up as if it remains a Halloween party? Also, if it becomes a Thanksgiving party, do you already have something to wear? TCFAG, could you help Ellen to find pilgrim-wear?

  16. phillygirlruns :

    good god i love this blouse.

  17. SF Bay Associate :

    So, thanks to karenpadi’s fabulous personal shopper Melyssa at the Stanford Nordie’s, I now own skinny jeans. I really resisted trying them on (“I’m a pear! I can’t wear skinnys!”) and she was like yeah, try them on, ok?… and she was right. So I have many new-to-skinny-jeans stupid questions including how does one wear knee-high boots with them? Usually I put my (bootcut) jeans on, and then roll up the pant leg to put on my knee-high socks. Can’t do that in skinnys. Do I need to put the socks on first? The socks look too thick to wear under the skinnyness of the jean legs. Or do people not wear knee-high socks with boots when wearing skinny jeans? How does this work exactly?

    • Almost There :

      I put my socks on over my skinnies. It keeps everything in place all day (sock in jeans tend to fall down for me). If there is any loose fabric around your ankle (like that you can pinch off your leg if that makes any sense), pinch it together and fold it flat on your leg and then put the sock over. Plus, it is a thing right now to show a little sock above your boot (like an inch) (and as long as they go with your outfit of course). Have fun!

      • Yeah, I was going to suggest a look at this trend of letting your socks peek out (I don’t get it at all, but it is definitely a trend!). Alternatively, I recommend short socks!

    • Always a NYer :

      I wear short socks so I’m not barefoot in my boots. Knee highs just arent feasible with skinny jeans.

    • Wear regular socks (not ankle/sports socks but not knee-high socks either). Put jeans on first, then socks, rolling socks up over jeans to keep the jeans tucked in so that when you pull the boots on, the jeans don’t ride up and you get a seamless look.

    • springtime :

      Just spend a chunk of change on some beautiful new flat boots for fall, so this post speaks to me.

      I’m not sure what you’re asking- usually I just put on some socks like I normally would, and shove my leg into the boot with the jean inside the boot. Sometimes I put my socks over the bottom of the jeans so they don’t ride up, but that’s rarely an issue for me. I don’t think you need to wear knee-high socks, unless you want added warmth.

    • Jacqueline :

      Not a dumb question! Yes, put on socks first, then jeans over the socks, then boots over the jeans, in that order.

      Which brand/style of jeans did you buy, out of curiosity?

      • This is what I do when I’m wearing slightly longer socks with boots. Socks, then jeans, then boots.

        FWIW, my socks aren’t knee socks, they probably hit 4-5 inches above my ankle.

      • Follow-up for another skinny jean newbie – if the jeans seem baggy around the knees/legs, does that mean I bought them too large? I don’t want to have them be skintight at the top, so I can wear shorter shirts, but I do want them to be thin at the knee, so they look neat. I’m plus size, if it matters.

        • bagginess around the knees kind of ruins the whole look, imo. definitely get a different size or a different brand/fabric composition.

        • Anon Analyst :

          Try a smaller size or a different cut. I find legging jeans, work best for me to wear tucked into boots. They are a tighter fit and don’t bunch at the knees. I to prefer a neater/clean look around the knees.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Paige.

        • Research, Not Law :

          Intruiged. By ‘pear’ do you have a large rump and small waist to fit? I have a heck of time finding jeans that fit over my thighs and don’t gap in the back or have an otherwise huge waist.

    • Yes, if I wear knee high socks under the skinnier cut legs, I usually put the socks on first. But, I don’t always wear knee highs with boots if I am also wearing pants, so if the knee high don’t fit underneath, then I’d just wear shorter socks.

      That being said, have you tried the knee highs with the jeans to check for actual tightness? I’ve totally worn (silk) long underwear under my skinny cut jeans and it was just fine.

    • I put on socks, then jeans, then boots.

    • What brand did you get? I’m trying to get a pair, but have had no luck.

  18. Anon traveler :

    Any travel recommendations for Taiwan?

    • Ada Doom Starkadder :

      How much time do you have?

      Use your google-fu and look up the following– I’ve been to these places and had a great time at all:

      1. Sun Moon Lake – Nantou County
      2. National Palace Museum – Taipei
      3. Southern Alishan Tea Tour – this is 2 days, IIRC, and involves walking a mountain trail and seeing the tea-making process and plantations
      4. Go shopping & eating at the Shilin Night Market

  19. punk rock tax lawyer :

    Any thoughts on what I should wear to officiate my sister’s wedding? I know there was a post about what to wear to officiate a wedding not too long ago, but my sister’s having a very fun, quirky wedding and I want to fit in with that. Some info you might need:

    * The wedding is in June in Salt Lake City.
    * The wedding is space-themed and the ceremony will be at the Mars exhibit at the planetarium. So basically, it looks like the surface of mars so everything around us will be reddish, Mars-colored.
    * To go with the space theme, my sister has suggested something silvery/shiny. Silver is one of my favorite colors, so I don’t mind this. However, she just told me that her fiance will be wearing a metallic silver suit, so I wonder if it would look weird to wear the exact same color as him. (I’ll link his suit in a separate post to avoid moderation). My sister’s dress is white with silver accents.
    * There will be no bridesmaids or groomsmen, so the only people in the ceremony photos will be my sister, her fiance, and me.
    * I would love to find a dress with a matching jacket, so I can wear just the dress at the reception but wear the jacket during the ceremony to look a little more formal/professional.
    * I’m a 5’4, usually a size 8, curvy/hourglassy, rather pale caucasian person.
    * My sister is my identical twin (though we have very different hairstyles and I wear glasses and she doesn’t), so I don’t know if that affects anything aesthetically.

  20. Does anyone have suggestions on a good yoga video for a beginner? I have never done yoga before, but I’m interested in learning the basics and hopefully starting to do it on a regular basis.

    • I recommend http://www.yogatoday.com/ They post new workouts weekly at varying levels. there’s lots of kinds of yoga, and this will give you a chance to play around with a few different types for exposure and without any commitment.

    • I like the one from Gaiam* catalog (the girl, not the long haired man).

      *I had to google hippie yoga catalog to remember the name of this.

      • Fun fact: I used to work in the same building as the Gaiam headquarters. Sometimes, at lunch, they would have a hula-hoop lady come and lead them all in a hula-hoop class on the lawn right in front of my window. I was so jealous.

    • Check out on demand if you have cable. Mine has lots of free on demand yoga workouts, with all different styles.

    • AM/PM Yoga with Rodney Yee and Particia Walden.
      But, public libraries are a great resource for trying out exercise videos. Borrow several and then buy the one you like best.
      There was also a site dedicated to exercise video reviews. I am sure you can Google it – sorry , don’t have time to do it right now.

    • Honey Pillows :

      AM Yoga for Every Day with Rodney Yee. 5 different 20 minute routines focusing on different types of poses -keeps you from getting bored, and Rodney is my favorite video instructor.

      • Susan ([email protected]) :

        Rodney Yee rec, thirded! He’s fantastic. Very calm, very good at explaining moves even for klutzy people like me.

    • Gaiamtv.com

      Do you prefer relaxing meditative yoga or sweat-your-behind-off yoga?

      For sweaty work-out yoga, my favorite instructors are Seane Corn, Adi Amar (from Yoga Today) and Nicki Doane.

      For more meditative yoga, I like Rodney Yee and Hala Khouri.

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