Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Knot-Front Top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Readers were talking about liking this top from Kohl’s for wearing under blazers and cardigans as a much more affordable version of the beloved Boden Ravello. Some of the prints are kind of out there, but the solid colors look great — and you never know, you may find a print you like. It comes in regular, petite, and women’s sizes for $17-$36. (Try this link or this link to see all offerings in all colors and size ranges…) Dana Buchman Knot-Front Top

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Comments

  1. Ah! This was my rec! I feel so famous.

    • Anonymous :

      It’s beautiful (I LOVE this color) but is it too low cut to wear w/o a cami? It looks like the model is showing a bit of cleavage.

      • I think it looks lower on the model than it does in real life. I’m a 36G/H and it’s never even occurred to me to wear a cami with it. I would say the lowest point is right at the top of my cleavage – showing maybe a quarter inch, max?

      • I am busty and own this top in several colors. No need for a cami because of the cleavage on me (5’4″). It shows nothing on me.

    • Anonymous :

      And how does sizing compare to mall brands like The Limited and Ann Taylor?

      • Maybe slightly biggish? I wear a L or XL in Limited (RIP) and AT, and this shirt fits best in the L. I can wear the M, but it pulls a little at the bust. But I’m busty – if you’re small-busted, I’d size down.

        • Also in Academia :

          I love this top. It goes on sale often. I have had my basic black one for about 2 years now and it has only recently starting looking a tad worn. Dana Buchman at Kohls in general runs large. I find that at less expensive stores I normally have to size up but the Dana Buchman tops at least are sized more like Lands’ End, the only place in the world where I am a size 10!

          I have a Ravello top, too, and I have to say that the two are nothing alike. I don’t know why this would be seen as a dupe or a sub. The featured top, though, is definitely part of my “classing my wardrobe up from T-shirts” effort and looks great under blazers and cardigans as long as they aren’t crewnecks, it’s a little weird with crewnecks.

    • I’ve owned this in purple for at least three years. It’s a great top. Kohls has some great basics. There was a conversation about cropped cardigans the other day. I swear by these for spring/summer. http://m.kohls.com/product/prd-2830290/womens-chaps-crop-cardigan.jsp

  2. I posted this late yesterday and was hoping for more responses.

    I’m an active alum at my university, and I’ve become close with a student over the last year as her mentor. She’s in her 40s (about a decade older than me) and a recent immigrant. The relationship is a bit more special than someone you meet for coffee once a semester – we text and email regularly about every job interview she goes on, the bar exam, etc.

    She graduates in May and is leaving the area. I’d like to really say goodbye to her somehow. Would dinner at my house be weird? I entertain frequently, so showing I care through cooking is natural for me, but I’m not sure if it’d be awkward for her. When I invited her to my annual Christmas party last year, she mentioned she hadn’t been invited to any parties while she’d been at School. She wasn’t able to come to the Christmas party because of exams, so she hasn’t been to my house before.

    Taking her out to lunch or dinner feels a little chintzy to me – I’d do that for any student. I’m wracking my brain to think of what to do for her. She’s so thoughtful – she has already thanked me for my time with movie GCs for a date night with my boyfriend :)

    If you think dinner at my house is ok, would doing it close to graduation be too presumptuous? She doesn’t seem to have many friends in the area (going to school as an older student is hard, and I can only imagine as an immigrant on top of that) and I believe most/all of her family is back in her home country.

    • Anonymous :

      I think you didn’t get many responses because nobody thinks this is weird. It would be a perfectly lovely thing to do, so once a couple of people told you that, people didn’t feel the need to pile on with agreement. I would do it at least a couple weeks before graduation, because she may have out of town family coming to celebrate with her and she might feel obligated to entertain them even if it meant turning down the invite to your house. And as someone said yesterday, invite her partner if she has one.

    • Anonymous :

      Invite to dinner. Don’t overthink

    • It’s a nice thing to do. I don’t think it’s weird at all.

    • If it makes you feel better to hear it from a higher ed administrator, I think that is totally normal and sounds like a lovely gesture. If you haven’t already, you can also offer to be a reference for her for job or grad school applications–I know my students are usually stressed about asking for references.

    • I have one other idea, and it’s kind of random, but go with me here. I had a family that was like my second family in college–they were mentors, fed me, let me do laundry/study at their house, etc. The mother threw me a lovely graduation party for my relatives and friends to attend (which was a huge gesture–so incredibly kind)–that may be more than you had in mind.

      The mom presented me with a sterling silver letter opener, engraved with my full name, university name and date of graduation. It’s been a lovely thing that I’ve had at every job, all over the world, for two decades. I love it and use it all the time (and had never used a letter opener ever in my life before I got it). If you want to get her a gift, this is a bit out there, but it really has lasted the test of time, and I love it so much. It makes me think of the family every time I use it, doesn’t take up much space (if she’s moving away) and is overall, really awesome looking.

      • Gail the Goldfish :

        I also got a sterling letter opener from a family friend, except for high school graduation, and still have and use it 15 years later. A surprisingly useful and longlasting gift.

  3. Thanks! These are perfect for the South in the summer.
    I have some tops like this by Anne Klein. I LOVE how they hide my belly pooch – I even wore them through my first trimester. They look GREAT on all different body types, IMHO (maybe not VERY busty, sorry)

  4. cat socks :

    How do you handle kids selling stuff door to door? Yesterday a Boy Scout rang the doorbell and was selling American flags. I said, “I’m reallt sorry, but I’m not interested. Good luck with your fundraiser.” I felt awful, but we’re on a very tight budget the next few months due to some unexpected expenses

    A while back, I bought Otis Spunkmeyer cookies from one of my neighbors because she watches our three cats when I’m out if town.

    Otherwise, I’m just not a fan of these types of sales. I would have just ignored the doorbell, but I think they saw my husband through the window and knew someone was home.

    • I think you gave a perfectly good response. Just don’t feel bad about it next time. You don’t owe anyone a purchase.

    • Anonymous :

      Put a no soliciting of any kind sign out?

      I don’t answer the door even if they see me. I hate door-to-door sales like this – such a guilt trip. I am major grinch though.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I feel free not to answer, too. Just like I screen my calls, I reserve the right to screen my visitors.

        But I think the OP was fine.

    • Anonymous :

      I think you handled it fine. That’s part of the learning experience for the kid doing the selling – not everyone will be interested/buy something. Most people I know tend to buy from people the actually know rather than random door-to-doors.

      • PatsyStone :

        +1 One of my biggest takeaways from selling girl scout cookies door to door (decades ago) is that not everyone wants to buy something and to not take it personally.

      • My son sold wrapping paper door-to-door as a fundraiser for his karate school last year. We just went around our neighborhood, to the people who have known him since he was born (and also know the karate school, as it’s in the neighborhood). It was a great learning experience. Even people who knew him sometimes couldn’t (or wouldn’t) buy. I don’t love these fundraisers either, and would always rather just donate a check to cover whatever we would have sold. But I have to say, my son did learn from the experience. So don’t feel guilty about saying no.

    • We don’t get much door to door soliciting in our neighborhood, but do get occasionally hit up by friends’ kids. If I’m not interested in the product, I may still give a small donation (<$10). If that's not an option, I think listening to them and politely turning them down is fine.

      • Former Band Geek :

        I remember my high school band director would have us all go out and do what she called “tag day” where we just knocked on doors and asked for donations without having anything to sell at all. Not sure if this was enterprising on her part or just lazy, but I remember there being a surprising number of people who appreciated not being asked to order from a catalog and were happy to give a few $ or some spare change.

        • I thought we went to the same high school until I noticed your band director was “she.” My school did this too — there would be adverts in the local newspaper and signs by the schools announcing which day was tag day, so people who didn’t want to donate could easily screen us!

    • It’s easier to make a blanket statement such as “I never participate because there are so many requests and I can’t afford to give to everyone”. True, you bought from your neighbor, but going forward you can decline to participate (and thank her otherwise for her cat sitting).

      • Eh, you don’t have to turn everyone down just to turn someone down. If you wanted to buy the Otis Spunkmeyer cookies but not the flag, that’s fine.

    • Basically, I always buy something from all kids or friends (as long as I can afford it). Same with all the silly charity 5K events. However, I wouldn’t feel bad for one second about gently turning down anyone if it didn’t fit my budget (dealing with mild rejection is part of the learning experience for the Boy Scout). Nor do I feel bad about a firm but polite “no” for strangers (adults) soliciting outside the supermarket, the endless MLMs from people I went to high school with, etc. I don’t love this type of fundraisers – I think they’re inefficient and annoying. But I see them more as an affirmation of community bonds. The efficiency isn’t the point (and neither is the cause, with rare exceptions for things that are against my values). The point is having each others backs, and getting involved more deeply with the groups and institutions that hold our society together. Took a long time for my rational scientist brain to understand that sometimes this subjective, emotional kind of value is equally important as the % of the money that goes to the charity.

      • Shopaholic :

        I like this emotional rationale. I’m similar – I’ll buy stuff from kids or make minimal donations to friends who are running marathons. But the one thing that drives me crazy is people at work doing fundraising for their kids – i.e. the lady in my office who brings donation forms for their kids and harasses everyone to donate. I don’t mind when it’s for a charity but when it’s for a school event, and the student that raises the most gets a prize, it drives me crazy. I have a hard time saying no though because I feel guilty saying no to an assistant as a lawyer.

        • Anonymous :

          My mom’s friend is an entrepreneur and his sales team is basically the most important part of his business. He has a rule that no one is allowed to bring in fundraiser sheets for their kids, but their kids are welcome/encouraged to come pitch their own sales. He thinks selling stuff is character-building and teaches the kids a lucrative future skill. I kind of like that approach.

      • This is why I try to buy something from most of the kids who ask me. I set a one-item limit (except for Girl Scout cookies) and usually pick one of the cheaper products being offered. That way I can support more of the community. It has been a good way to get know some of my neighbors. For those requesting cash contributions, I decline unless I already am both familiar with and interested in the cause.

        I think it is perfectly acceptable to choose not to participate, though, if you don’t want to. Any polite and genuine response is fine.

    • Anonymous :

      I say no thanks or that sorry, I don’t have any cash on me and then wish them luck.

      • Anonymous :

        Careful, I think a lot of Girl Scouts are packing iPhones and Square nowadays- they certainly were at my supermarket cookie drive.

    • Now more than ever I think kids need practice talking to adults. So many Kids don’t even use the phone these days, much less make eye contact and speak to adults.

      If a kid comes to my door and asks for something, I always listen and I generally buy. If it’s an adult, or a kid with an adult (and the kid is just a prop), I tend to use more of a filter.

      If it’s a group selling outside a store, i only buy if I’m interested/support the cause. It’s a lot harder to go door to door by yourself!

      • Legally Brunette :

        Really interesting point on how kids need more practice talking to adults. So true.

        • marketingchic :

          That is so true. Selling the (dreaded) Cub Scout popcorn was a valuable experience for my son in that regard. I really appreciate that my neighbors take the time to engage with him, even if they don’t purchase.

      • Seventh Sister :

        My kids spend the vast majority of their time with adults with very defined roles (parent, teacher, sitter, etc.) and I think it’s really good for them to engage with strangers in polite and appropriate ways. Selling Girl Scout cookies was great for my daughter in this regard. Another thing I’ve started doing is making them pay for items at stores, which I try not to do when it’s super busy, but is a good thing for them to learn.

    • You are fine. Learning to deal with rejection and to close a sale is a valuable life skill. A smart kid will figure out who always buys, who buys only some things, and who never buys and adjust accordingly with no hard feelings.

      That said, the Boy Scout popcorn is pretty good and I usually will buy a box or two for when FIL comes to town because it is his favorite and keeps for a long time. Also the Butter Braids (because the cinnamon cream cheese is delicious and perfect for when we have visiting relatives). But the frozen pizzas that the local sports booster groups do? Yech and no way.

    • I do this strange thing where I say “No thank you'” with a big smile. As if the person was offering me something. I think I developed it while dealing with pushy salespeople-Its 100 times easier for me to turn folks down this way.

      • This is what I do, too.

      • Aggressively cheerful – that’s my tactic too. It works on charity muggers, they get ignored or harassed so they are stunned into silence by a “No thanks but have a great day!”

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t buy things I don’t want. So I buy Girl Scout cookies because I love them, but I don’t buy anything that pretty much anyone else who comes to the door is selling. Sometimes if it’s a cause I support, like our public schools, I’ll give them a small donation. I certainly wouldn’t stretch my budget to do that though. Your response seems perfectly appropriate to me.

    • cat socks :

      Thanks for the feedback! I felt awful saying no, but glad others feel the same way.

      Good idea about the No Soliciting sign. I think that’s something I’ll definitely do.

      • I don’t think a no soliciting sign is going to prevent neighborhood kids from coming to your door. I doubt a kid is going to be observant enough to notice it. Even if they did, they might not know what it means.

        • Yep, gonna tell you that as a kid I had no idea what that meant and when I learned what it meant, thought “Well asking for donations isn’t soliciting! That’s what door-to-door salesmen do!” It’s good for kids to learn rejection, talking politely to adults, working for things, dealing with money and organization, and that adults can be rude and irresponsible, too, just like kids, or polite but just not be interested.

          I pretty much never answer the door for adults unless I expect them. Even when the pizza guy comes I hold the door between my arm and my foot anchoring it so it can’t get pushed open! If I encounter a child selling “in the wild” (ha!) I will usually listen and either say no thanks! with a smile or donate a dollar or two but not buy because I just don’t want those World’s Finest chocolates. This is only for kids, though. Yesterday near the train station at rush hour a van pulled over illegally and two adults got out and started shouting “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!” in commuters’ faces while the child sat on the edge of the opened trunk looking sad and embarrassed as cars honked at them and commuters rushed past to make their trains.

      • Fundraising by selling stuff is a horrible deal for everyone. It is a profit center for the product (wrapping paper, cookies, chocolates, etc). 1.00 chocolate bar results in 10 cents to the organization. We have sworn off all fundraising this way and just write a check for the anticipated contribution. Meaning kids need to sell 25 chocolate bars, okay–here’s a check for $25.00 and all your chocolates back. We also do not buy from others–we are fully committed and filled up with fundraising requests through school, athletic clubs, music clubs, church, professional organizations. We have no extra fundraising $$ available. Finally, fundraising is never ending–when have you ever received a “Thanks for donating, we are not going to ask you for anything for awhile.” Never ever. It’s a machine that simply wants more more more. Enough.

      • I’m a late responded, but I hope you will see this. I am a mother of children that age. When you politely, but firmly, say no, you are also teaching them how to politely, but firmly, say no. You are modeling good behavior for them, and sending a message that saying no to something you don’t want is an appropriate behavior.

    • I have a no soliciting sign right next to my doorbell and I still get all kinds of people who try.

      I will basically buy anything from a kid. If I don’t want a magazine subscription, and I don’t, I will give them a couple of bucks. I don’t care if they spend it on a Slurpee, they’re out there doing their thing, which is more than I can say for most people.

      Most of the adult solicitors are with political causes so I just ask them to leave materials and say no thanks to giving money or signing a pertition on the spot.

      • With the adults (although sometimes they’re close to teenagers) who come around with petitions, my husband came up with the idea of listening politely for a minute or two, and then asking for their literature it a website address where he can “research the issue further.” Most of them get it and will then leave without getting pushy. If they do get pushy, we just shut the door.

    • The only time I ever had a paycheck late was a few years back when I was working for a firm that had its servers located in NYC when Sandy hit. They told me they weren’t able to process payroll because they couldn’t get access to the servers, but the managing partner offered to cut me a personal check to cover it until the servers were back up. I told him if it was less than a week there was no need to do that, and it was in fact less than a week. It never happened again.

      Glitches are one thing. Not actually having the funds is something else entirely and I would not put up with it.

    • Sounds terrible but I don’t ever answer the door unless I am expecting someone. I will even walk around and go about my business where they can clearly see me ignoring them until they go away. My friends know to go to the back door, so anyone at the front is trying to solicit something. Oh, and get off my lawn!

  5. Today is pay day and there will not be money deposited in my account. I’m mid-level at a growth company and it’s common knowledge that we’re weeks away from a significant amount of money to come in, which also means things are tight in the short term. A wire came in too late to have payroll processed today, so we’ll be paid Monday instead. I’ll be fine, but I’m still frustrated. Has this ever happened to you?

    • No BTDT, but a bankruptcy attorney would tell you to try to verify that your payroll taxes are getting paid, that your health insurance premiums are getting paid timely, and that your 401K contributions actually are getting paid into the plan. Better safe than sorry.

    • Nope. And unless I absolutely adored my job, I would start job searching immediately. Not being paid on time because the company does not have enough money is completely unacceptable to me, but I value stability and security a lot. If you’re a riskier person, YMMV.

      • +1. I would also start looking, because I’m not interested in bankrolling the company’s success. If they are running so thin that a single customer payment (I’m assuming that’s what the wire transfer was) is the difference between payroll and not, then it’s likely to happen again in the future.

        • Further to the point about bankrolling a company’s success – OP do you have stock in this company? Are you getting anything in exchange for their failure to meet their obligation to you?

          • Part of the complication for me is that, yes, I do – and it will all be vested in a few months. Not all employees have this, however.

      • +1 I had a pay check bounce one time in my life, and I found a new job ASAP. I have zero tolerance for this kind of risk, though.

    • That would worry me, because I see financial compensation as the fundamental cornerstone of my relationship with my employer. As far as I’m concerned, the day payroll is due, that money is mine by right.

      That being said, I know nothing about a job where you are actually so closely involved with the company’s financial cycle. Wishing you the best outcome!

    • Nope nope nope- I don’t work for free. Sorry if that’s harsh, but I’m here for the money.

    • I agree to start exploring options. The company doesn’t sound stable and it’s better to be safe than sorry. Personally I don’t pay enough attention to when the paycheck hits my account. I don’t make enough for it to make a huge difference and I have more than enough in my savings/checking accounts. I’m on the job hunt too!

    • JuniorMinion :

      I have seen this almost happen to people (in energy) – there have been some companies over the past two years who were to the point where they were almost unable to make payroll. I haven’t seen it end in anything other than bankruptcy and ugliness.

    • Kind of. I once worked for a small company that was an $hit show, although I didn’t realize the full breadth of it until after I discovered something illegal (I quit immediately). Getting back to your point, at the COO’s direction, the CEO would instruct the COO to move money out of her personal accounts to the business account in order to make payroll. This was the tip of the iceberg. Get out ASAP.

    • Agree with all the posters calling this a red flag. Depending on your state, there may be laws about timely payroll which are being broken.

      If you’re in a position to speak with someone with more control over this situation, you may want to suggest that the company arrange for a line of credit to cover such shortfalls in the future. Then the employees aren’t taking on the risk.

      • Agreed. And speaking as someone with employment law knowledge, your company is more than likely breaking wage payment legal obligations and may owe you penalty wages/fees.

        • This. Payroll companies actually generally “front” the money to make sure that you’re timely paid, so something really fishy is going on if they payroll company won’t even do that for your employer. This is not just a lil whoopsie. It’s against the law and is a huge red flag.

    • Betsy Tacy :

      This happened to my husband, a couple of times. It ended in the company going bankrupt.

      Are you getting your health insurance through your company? I’d try to reach out to HR and find out what is going on there. With my husband, they didn’t give adequate notice to employees of when their health insurance cut out due to failure to pay premiums and we almost missed the cutoff to switch him to my insurance (30 days after a change in life event, which was loss of other coverage).

    • I used to work at Huge Law Firm A and they had a payroll glitch once (maybe only affecting direct deposits, can’t remember) that delayed people getting $ by at least a weekend. They had some emergency cash for the segment of workers living paycheck to paycheck.

      At Firm B (also large), it merged into MegaLawFirm C and C’s payroll cycle was different. There was a planned delay announced well in advance when they merged cycles so that now we are paid with a 2-week delay. So when you quit, you still have a trailing paycheck (or two).

      So, IDK if there isn’t some flexibility (like we don’t get paid daily but we work daily) or there is some delay after which it’s wrong not to pay you. If a huge lawfirm weathers hiccups, there must be some wiggle room.

      BUT, if I were at the firms that folded and knew that $ was an issue, that would be a problem. Firms with patchy cash flow often have a LOC at a bank just to meet payroll.

      And totally agree — if they botch payroll taxes, that is a huge red flag. No business goes under without shorting the IRS on its way down.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I had this happen at a tiny firm I worked at. The problem was that I rolled with it, in the spirit of being a team player, the first time… and then the second time… and then the guy realized that he basically didn’t *have* to pay me, and eventually the firm owed me like a month’s worth of wages and I was there like ??? and I had to send an email like “if you aren’t going to pay me, I’m afraid I can’t come into work tomorrow.”

      And then everything got worse.

      So I would take it as a biiiig ol’ warning sign.

    • I’m a lender and missing payroll is a Very Bad Thing. Your company’s directors are putting themselves at personal risk, which tells me that your company isn’t able to secure capital in any other way. I’d be looking to get out.

    • I had a case once where this happened in a company that turned out to be a fraud scheme. It took in “investments” and paid them out to the principals instead, never quite having enough to pay the “real” employees who put a legit face on the company and telling them that it was because the company was a startup!

    • HR consultant, I’ve worked with a lot of startups and “growth companies.”

      The company has a legal obligation to pay you on time, as spelled out in their company handbook. Depending on what state you’re in, the penalties for violating that obligation are serious. In some states, the pay schedule in the handbook is considered a binding legal agreement between the employer and the employee. So they’ve got some legal trouble now, especially if the company is in California.

      Missing payroll is a big, huge deal. That was absolutely the circumstance of last resort for my clients. I would recommend to them that they do anything – including getting a short-term loan, selling off property, or tapping personal savings – rather than miss payroll. If your owners/managers are acting cavalier about this, please beware. They may be literal days from closing the doors. Missing payroll is also a big sign that cash flow is not being managed appropriately. I would bet my own money that other bills are not being paid, and you may start hearing from vendors. What happens if the money they’re counting on doesn’t come through? Why is the money coming in not being managed so that there’s enough in the bank to make payroll?

      I don’t mean to be alarmist or make you feel bad. But usually, missing a payroll is the death rattle before the company goes under. I’ve worked for and with failing companies and it is absolutely not a good sign. I would update your resume and your LinkedIn and start looking ASAP.

      • +1 to this. I’m an executive at a start-up and very much in the start-up eco-system. For real companies (i.e. not Silicon Valley 20-somethings working out of someone’s garage), missing payroll would be a HUGE calamity. Any reasonable company would scramble to find literally any other source of funding. My assumption would be that as soon as there was a hint that we might miss payroll, 75% of our staff would immediately start looking for other jobs.

    • I appreciate the feedback, it’s possibly a unique situation because we knew there would be a crunch point directly before we sell several of our development assets, but I did not anticipate a missed payroll. I’m not concerned about fraud, but I appreciate the points made about health insurance premiums and payroll taxes. To the point above, I do have equity, which will be fully vested at the end of summer. For the moment, I am going to re-engage my weekend side-hustle. I have a feeling goodwill will run short if it happens again.

      • Anonymous :

        The crunch point should have been adequately prepared for though – there are plenty of ways for a business to cover payroll if they know they will not have the cash on hand. This is alarming especially as they knew it was coming!

    • Edna Mazur :

      Happened at a place I worked right out of college. Problem was with the payroll service provider not the company not having the funds. Instead of Friday everyone was paid Monday. If rent was due, they found a way to get you the money. Also if you brought in bank overdrafts, interest statements, whatever, the company was pretty generous about reimbursing all of this.

      Agree, super huge red flag if it was because the money isn’t there and they aren’t taking all of these remedial measures.

  6. I’m finishing up my dissertation and writing the acknowledgments. First, this is way harder than I expected. I want it to be heartfelt and meaningful, as so many people who helped me along the way truly deserve. What do you do for people who you acknowledge but who aren’t actually going to read the dissertation and won’t ever see that you acknowledged them? I’m thinking people like my undergraduate advisors, who were so important to my earlier intellectual development. Should I send them a note updating them on what’s up with me (we haven’t corresponded in a little while) and attach a copy of the acknowledgements? or would that be weird?

    • I just finished my MA thesis (nowhere close to a dissertation, I know!) and faced a similar dilemma. There were several undergrad professors who actually consulted on the thesis, so I sent them a copy of the completed project with the acknowledgements page. For other people who acted as mentors, I sent a little note (some email, some handwritten) explaining how much they meant to me and how their support had helped me get to where I am now, and dropped in a line letting them know that they’d been acknowledged. Congratulations on the dissertation!

    • Senior Attorney :

      I think that would be the furthest thing from weird. It would be lovely!

    • Cynical, but 15 years out from PhD :

      Do it. It’s a great networking step and they’ll love it. It’s important to keep in touch with these folks.

  7. Candidate :

    Following in the sales/fundraising question above, I have a question about a petition for ballot access. I’m going to be running for a local office this year in New England, and I’m very nervous about canvassing for signature for my ballot access. I’ve never had a woman candidate come to my door, nor female canvassers for statewide or national politicians (I’m outside Boston and a solid Blue area so maybe they don’t bother?). Are there ways I should dress to signal I’m not sales (probably a suit)? Should I start with “my name is — and I’m running for local office” or should I start with “I’m here with a petition for ballot access, can I get your signature?”

    I am working with some local groups and have been trying to get connected to resources like She Should Run, but I’m so nervous about canvassing in particular.

    • No advice, but you’re awesome. It’s so important for more women to run for office, and thanks so much for taking this upon yourself. Good luck!

    • I’d add a “good morning” or “good afternoon” to your intro but you’re on the right track. I mostly want to tell you that I think this is awesome and wish you good luck!

    • Absolutely say you’re running! People either love to meet candidates or hate to, and you’ll meet enough of the 2nd group. .. you want to meet the first! It’s good practice too for when you’re actually running.

      I wouldn’t wear a suit unless that’s what candidates do in your area – maybe a sheath dress in a bright color. You want to look approachable.

    • I’m in the Boston area, and I’ve had at least one man come to my door about this when running for local office. He dressed…smart casual, I guess you could call it, jeans, blazer, that type of thing. He started with “my name is X, I live over on Y street, and I’m running for local office.” I had a friend who once ran for the school board, and I believe she handled this similarly–stylish but casual and including her name and street or general area so people could place her.

      Good luck!

    • I’m in the Boston area and have had a female candidate come to my door. She said essentially what you’re planning to say and her dress was business casual. I don’t recall giving a thought to what she wanted until she opened her mouth, which was after all right away.

      Good luck!

    • I would go with “my name is ____ and I’m running for local office” over “I’m here with a petition….” only because obtaining signatures is often a paid gig and some people may assume that is the case here and be turned off.

    • I mean this kindly, but if canvassing makes you nervous, electoral politics may not be for you. I have canvassed for signatures for others, and one of my down-the-street neighbors is our state assembly rep, and she does it all the time. It’s no big deal. Most people I’ve encountered are willing to sign because it doesn’t cost them anything. In terms of dress, she wears what I might call “weekend smart”, i.e., very nice casual clothes.

      • I don’t think that’s true. I don’t think it’s necessary that she’s naturally comfortable with canvassing, just that she learns to be good at it and is willing to do it. I disagree that something may not be for us if it makes us uncomfortable. I think we reach greater heights by confronting things that make us uncomfortable and overcoming them. If OP does it a few times, she’ll probably stop being nervous.

        • Good point. My reason for saying that was that, as I see from my neighbor, there is a ton of obligation to mingle with strangers to be a successful local politician (or politician at any level, I imagine) and it doesn’t get better once elected. She hangs out at the train station, coffee shop, etc. at rush hour to shake hands, when most people just want to blow by her to get their trains. If the OP is ready and willing to deal with that, more power to her for fighting the good fight.

    • It’s me, thanks everyone for your comments. I’m not reply individually but I want to let you all know I appreciate your thoughts.

      I’ve been attending council meetings and they all wear suits, but I think I’ll take your advice and dress less formally for canvassing. It’ll be hot around here during parts of the campaign anyway. I’ve mostly seen men in button front shirts when they are out.

      Canvassing does make me nervous, but I’m still going to try. I have stage experience and do improv, so that’s why I am looking for a script / starting point. I think once I break the ice with a person I’ll be okay. I have lots of ideas to discuss for our community along with firm positions on ongoing local issues, but getting over the first hurdle is the hardest part for me. I’m planning on knocking on my neighbors doors first to get into it, before moving into areas where I don’t know as many people.

      Thanks again, all.

      • Don’t worry about canvassing making you nervous. It is no different than any other skill. You do it, and do it a lot over a period of time, and you will become vastly better and more comfortable at it. (With the exception that at the extremes, there will always be people who are incapable of it, or who are born naturals, but you would probably already know if that were the case for yourself). So get out there and knock on some doors – the more the better! Go you!

      • Door opens… “Hi! I’m _____________ and I am running for _____________! I wanted to come by and introduce myself. I know you’re probably very busy but if you have a few minutes, I’d love to find out more about what’s important to you and to talk about my plans to make this community/organization/whatever better for all of us.” (if they invite you in or step outside to talk, make a note of their name/spelling of the name, what they said. you can tell them “I hope you don’t mind that I’m writing this down, I just want to make sure I have your concerns documented so I can have a list of what’s important to you and your neighbors!”) If they tell you they can’t talk, ask if you should stop by later after you’ve met some of their neighbors. If they say yes, make sure to do it. If they say no, thank them for their time, hand them your card or your marketing materials, encourage them to check you out online.

        Then the follow-up. Send a marketing post card or your materials to them with a note, using their name and the info they gave you (Dear Joan and family, it was so great to meet you the other day! Thanks for taking the time to say hello and for telling me about your concerns regarding the local school system. I will absolutely be looking into that further! Please reach out any time if you want to discuss other thoughts on what I can do to help make this community the best it can be.”)

        Hope this helps!

    • Midwest Mama :

      My husband won a elected position last November, so he spent all of last summer campaigning and canvassing. He had campaign stickers that matched his yard signs so he would wear one of those on his shirt when canvassing and would also introduce himself and say what position he was running for. It was summer and hot, so he wore nice shorts with a polo and sneakers.

      • I’m adding stickers to me list. This weekends job is to write and format my door hanger literature, but I hadn’t thought of stickers. Thanks, and congratulations to your husband!

        • Definitely wear a sticker – that was the first thing I thought of in response to “what should I wear….”

    • Baconpancakes :

      In terms of signalling that you’re not in sales, wearing a big old fashioned campaign button with your name on it should do the trick. Then the first thing you say is “Hi! I’m Candidate and I’m running for political office!” And if it helps make you less nervous, I don’t like canvassers much since I do research on candidates and don’t like people coming to my door, but I’d be more receptive to an actual candidate coming to my door instead of a canvasser, because I would feel like they actually cared enough to connect to the public, and I could directly ask them questions.

      I also politely disagree with AB – I hated talking to strangers on the phone, public speaking, and confrontation, but I got over it for a job that required it, and now I’m great at public speaking, handling confrontational people who don’t want to talk to me, and cold-calling just about anyone. If you decide it’s worth it to you, you can get over your nervousness and be better at canvassing than you thought possible.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I still remember way back in the 70s — nobody outside Georgia had ever heard of Jimmy Carter until he traveled all over the U.S. introducing himself to people by saying “Hi, my name is Jimmy Carter and I’m running for President!”

        Good luck to yoU!

    • woo! I’m in a Boston ‘burb as well. You certainly don’t have to, but if you’re comfortable tell us where you’re running!

      When I lived in Hingham, we’d have all the candidates (male) circulating at town-y events (4th of july parade, fireworks, town picnics, etc). Many came to my door because I was very close to town and town hall.

      When I lived in Brookline and Newton, people would go door-to-door, and in my neighborhood where multifamily homes were common, this was especially true (fewer steps to more signatures).

      I now live in Concord and don’t have anyone knocking on my door, but I live off the beaten path. I see many people downtown and in fact the politicos were out soliciting signatures at the parade this Monday.

      Re: dress, I’d go a notch or two up from the event. You don’t need a full suit at a pancake breakfast or the fireworks. If you’re going door-to-door, I’d wear at minimum one structured piece (blazer with ankle pants vs full suit, smart shoes.)

      • I’m in Waltham, and I just want to note I’ve embarrassed myself with my typos! This is why I proofread my work writing, and am having my husband and a couple volunteers read my website text. Womp womp.

        I’ve been at a few local events, and am planning at going to several more in upcoming weeks. I think it will mostly be door to door; my Ward is fairly residential and quiet, so while I may get some traction talking to people at general events, I think verifying they can sign for my ward would be tricky! I’ve got a lot of anchors in the community and am very grateful to the support I’ve gotten so far, both in person and online from women’s groups and right here.

      • WOOO Concord represent!

        To the OP: I was going to suggest rather than going door-to-door, setting up at a Saturday morning hot spot, like a town dump or library or grocery store or hardware store or wherever the go-to area in your region is.

    • Wear one of your campaign buttons and sees professionally. My local city council Person did come to my door when she was a candidate and it was nice to meet her. If I recall correctly most candidates arrived along with another person, and in one case I mistook them for Jehova’s witnesses.

      • We’ve had JWs here, they mostly dress in black, which I will avoid. They haven’t come to my house since the incident when I had The Walking Dead on and was a bit scared when they asked me if I thought the dead could rise again.

    • “Hi, my name is Blank and I’m running for local office,” with a smile and a handshake.

      I think it’s important to look approachable and friendly. I’m unfamiliar with what that might mean for your area of Boston, but dress for your local area.

      When I lived in Mississippi, a candidate knocked and was wearing a polo and khakis, since the temperature was something slightly less than the surface of the sun.

      My mom’s run for town council in her small town (12,000 people) and always canvassed in something approachable but practical for the weather. For summer, that sometimes meant a sleeveless top with personality earrings and capris and comfy flats. Basically, Talbots casual – put together but still casual.

    • Get out of there fast.

    • Anonymous :

      I worked on a campaign ten years ago. A few tips that helped when I canvassed: (1) If possible, bring a friend. You can team up on a neighborhood much faster that way and you’ll have someone with whom you can compare notes and relax between doors. (2) I saw below that you’re planning literature. I wasn’t collecting signatures, but it might be a good idea to have a small piece with your name on it that you can leave with people so they can remember you. (3) Obviously I wasn’t the candidate, but our basic script was “Hi! I’m in the neighborhood campaigning for (candidate).” Offer piece of literature, ask if they have any questions or concerns. We specifically did not answer anything complicated but noted it and the campaign office would follow up to clarify the candidate’s position on the topic. Keep it short and sweet. People are generally pretty friendly in person when they might be ruder on the phone. Leave a flyer on their stoop or doorknob if no one answers. (4) Consider contacting the office of the party you’d align with. They may have useful materials for you, such as voter party ID/turnout/etc at an address, which can give you an idea of homes that might be more or less friendly to your views.

    • Good luck to you! As others have said, great to introduce yourself first, and a sticker/button is great! Asking for signatures is good, but don’t be discouraged if they don’t want to sign their names/give email addresses. In the event they say no, say with a smile “Well thank you for your time, can I leave you with a brochure so you can learn more about me?” I am not big on giving out my signature/email addresses, but always ask for the literature and have definitely voted for some of those candidates who came to my door even when I didn’t sign anything. Be open, approachable, transparent, and relatable. (If you see a sign in their yard for their high school athlete, it might be nice to say “I saw your sign in the yard! I’m a mom in District 38, too! My son is a freshman. Anyway, I wanted to introduce myself; I’m running because…”)

    • I ran for school board and canvassed a few years ago. Definitely agree with the business casual blazer and pants combo if weather permits. Pants allowed for comfortable shoes – which are a necessity – and blazer shows seriousness. Talbot’s sales are a female candidate’s best friend. Love the idea of the lapel sticker. Also – when you leave literature because no one is home, consider writing a personal “sorry I missed you note” with your signature. I carried a pack of pre-signed and written post-it notes for this purpose.

  8. Please don't judge :

    I havery problems with very slight incontinence in yoga class. The yoga is the treatment for the underlying issue, but in the meantime, what do I wear?

    The only sticky-pads I’ve found are so huge they show. Even my less-clingy yoga pants drape very closely during the forward bends.

    I’m desperate- recommendations for frumpy modest exercise clothes that will cover my rear?

    • Private yoga classes? If it’s the treatment for a medical issue, could this be covered by your insurance?

      Thinx underwear?

      • Yeah, I was going to suggest the Thinx or maybe also Icon (I think) underwear designed for incontinence. Also, I’ve been dealing with the same issue post partum and a urogynecologist recommended Poise Impressa (inserted like a tampon and you can find them on Amazon).

      • Please don't judge :

        Doing private sessions too, although it’s not covered by insurance. Yoga Therapy is a little different, but I highly recommend it.

        • Thinx is a good suggestion, or other incontinence underwear.

          No judgment. Pelvic floor issues affect a lot of women (and men!) — you are not alone. I teach two yoga classes a week, and I’ve had more than one client ask me about just this issue after class. I’m not certified in yoga therapy, but I have a friend who is, and usually refer them to her.

          Best wishes for a speedy resolution to the issue.

    • Could you wear a skort? I’ve been looking at some cute ones at Athleta. They look like a cute short-ish skirt but have the shorts part underneath. They’ll probably cover your rear with no additional frump necessary.

    • Veronica Mars :

      I think Zella makes some leggings with a skirt over them. Or, alternatively look into “haram pants” they should be loose enough to allow for yoga but the dropped crotch should mask any bulges.

      • AnonMidwest :

        There are lots of yoga pants with skirts over them, Athleta makes them, zella, and lulu even has them from time to time. Check the resale sites for deals.

        • I only wear the leggings with skirts (mine are from Athleta) because I’m self-conscious about my rear end. :-) They’re fantastic and would totally solve the OP’s problem.

    • Legally Brunette :

      I’ve heard Thinx underwear is great. In case you haven’t already, please see a doctor about this. My understanding is that pelvic floor therapy can be helpful for incontinence and your doctor can refer you to a good PT.

    • What about slightly looser jogger-style yoga pants with Thinx or Dear Kate underwear underneath?

    • JuniorMinion :

      I have problems with slight incontinence while exercising – luckily I workout at home and get super sweaty anyways so any issues I sort of just roll with. You have my sympathy and I’m guessing you’ve tried something like a poise / carefree pantiliner (the thin ones + workout underwear + exercise pants?

      Puma has some good inexpensive athletic underwear that I actually wear all the time now that I got on Amazon (very similar to those underarmour hipsters). Have you tried wearing a boyshort style? Jockey has a bunch under the “sporties” header.

      Finally – if you are wearing dark colors I wouldn’t stress too much (as long as you aren’t ending up with a giant puddle). I honestly sweat so much between my legs that you can’t tell when I’ve had a bit of an incontinence problem and when I am just really sweaty

      • Please don't judge :

        ThankS for the perspective. I know that’s true, but it’s hard to remember!

        • JuniorMinion :

          No problem. Really – if I saw someone with a visible pad outline I would assume that they had a medical / life issue and I would want to pat them on the back and be like “way to show up!”

          • +1. Also: I think we are our own worst critics. Not saying your feelings are at all invalid, but I as a sweaty human and a yoga teacher, I don’t think I would bat an eye at someone who had sweated in the leg/butt region, or who was wearing a pad.

      • pugsnbourbon :

        +1. I was chatting with friends after a workout class one day and all of us – ranging from age 25 to 32 – have peed ourselves a little while exercising. If there are double-unders in the program, it’s unavoidable, and I haven’t had kids, either.

      • I’ve been looking for some good inexpensive sports underwear — how’s the VPL with the Pumas? Also, I have a disproportionately large butt and often find that hipster styles don’t stay in place. Any thoughts on how these are with large rears?

        • JuniorMinion :

          I think they work really well – I am late but hope you see this. I am a smaller person (size 4-6, 5’4″ on a tall day) but have a large posterior (like have to size up in pants / skirts often larger) and have found that they are great under clingy dresses / thin pants. I mostly wear them to work because I go commando / am usually in various states of skimpyness to workout (yay for working out in my house). I have found that they run small though – I usually go with size S underwear and the M in these fits well and lays flat. Full disclosure: the only time I have ever had trouble with them staying in place is trying to do HIIT workouts / box jumps with no pants over them.

          I got these particular ones:
          https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B018D5QRX2/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s06?ie=UTF8&psc=1

          I have also heard good things about the new balance ones from a price to comfort ratio. but haven’t tried them.

          • Thanks!! We’re actually a similar size, even, so I might order the mediums. I run and do a lot of squats and box steps, so my glutes, they are not as small as fashion designers seem to think they should be!

    • Honestly, if someone is staring at your crotch during yoga class, then the problem is them and not the size of your pad.

      I would shake it off. Yoga is helping you, right? So go do it, even if you’re wearing a huge pad.

      • Agree wholeheartedly. I’m always too busy trying not to die in yoga to worry about someone else. On practical end, if anyone notices your pad they’ll probably just think you’re having your period.

      • AnonMidwest :

        In wide legged forward fold in a crowded class. The angles sort of end up with lots of head/butt proximity.

    • I vote for things with skirts and/or the Thinx underwear. I have it for light periods, but imagine it’d do the trick.

      This may be harder to do, but I’d say not to worry if you have a bulge. If we’re all bending forward, I’m not looking at your crotch and am trying to work on my pose and breathing. I’d want you to come to yoga and enjoy class as much as you can.

    • https://www.iconundies.com/ – Marketed as “pee proof” underwear, like Thinx.

    • Please don't judge :

      Thanks for all the encouragement and recommendations. I’ll be ordering some new undies as soon as I get home, because they sounds like just want I was wishing for, but didn’t know existed.

      • And thank you for asking, I finally got around to scheduling a pelvic floor PT appointment to work on mine!

      • There are two women that I believe are Muslim in my yoga class. They wear yoga leggings/pants with a skirt like thing over it that covers the butt/inner thighs. They also wear headwraps. You could wear some type of skirt over your yoga pants for modesty.

    • You have already got some good tips from others. I exercise regularly and can assure you that:
      a) others are not paying you that much attention during exercise – I hardly notice who is on the mat next to me
      b) any dampness would be most probably attributed to sweat
      c) people (and especially yoga crowd) judge you less than you think
      I would wear underwear with a pad or liner, then sporty underwear to smooth things down and then flowy exercise pants, if it really bothers you.
      If I ever noticed someone in my class with non-standard lines under their pants, I would think it is for medical reasons or that they have some fancy cosmic heat-generating fat-burning underwear.
      I do not mean to play your concern down, just offering a different perspective.

    • Have you tried using a tampon or one of those Poise Impressa things? That helps a lot.

      For pants, try the Lululemon dance studio pant or the corresponding Zella pant – they make one that is basically the same. They avoid hugging the area.

  9. Not that Anne, the other Anne :

    I posted late on Wednesday afternoon noting that I was completely unable to concentrate on work due to my BFF being in labor with her first child (and jokingly asking if I could therefore go home).

    Baby was born last night, mama and baby are healthy, and everyone is recovering. We will hope the same thing happens today to my male close friend’s wife, who is also in labor with her first child and is having some challenges.

  10. The Ordinary :

    I’m not usually one to recommend skin care products since we’re all special ecosystems and what not, but The Ordinary is seriously awesome. I ordered the Azelaic Acid Suspension 10% ($8), Lactic Acid 10% + HA 2% ($8), and Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1%($6). My skin has legitimately never looked better. I’ve been using it for 3 weeks and multiple people have commented I look relaxed/have a glow. And I am by no means relaxed. I haven’t been wearing foundation to work, previously unheard of.

    I ordered mine through Beautylish (which I also love > Sephora). I’m going back for the 2% Retinol ($10) next. It’s definitely worth trying for the price.

    • THANK YOU for posting this. I’ve been thinking of ordering. I’ve heard the niacinamide/zinc is sticky – did you find that? For the price I should just pull the trigger.

      • PatsyStone :

        OP here. No, it doesn’t seem sticky to me at all. My dog really wants to lick it off my face though.

    • Thanks! Will check out the site.
      So do you use those daily, all in conjunction, or …?

      • PatsyStone :

        I use them all daily, as directed on the package. I’m no skin care wizard, I sort of ordered blindly for the price.

    • Wow- I just checked their website. Super interesting.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Funny, I was going to post on here today to ask if anyone has used their stuff!

      What was your skin like before? Mine is … kind of a mess. I’m using a Niacinamide serum and it’s ok. But things could be better.

      • PatsyStone :

        I have oily, acne prone skin with uneven texture and redness (hot!). All have noticeably changed. I did started using the Cane + Austin miracle pads ($$) a few months back and that really helped me control my acne.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          OK this sounds like me — especially redness and unevenness and acne. Ha, so all of it. I’m on a spending fast until the end of the month but……… maybe this is an exception. Esp. since the website says to expect shipping delays.

    • Jumping in on The Ordinary love. I was looking for a Good Genes dupe and stumbled upon the Ordinary. I use and love the Hylaronic acid, Lactic acid (the dupe), Azaleic acid and am starting to use the niamicide/zinc.

    • Since February I have been using the skin clearing serum from Eva Naturals (available on Amazon for cheap). The formula is 20% vitamin C, 2% salicylic acid, 5% Hyaluronic acid, 3.5% Niacinamide, 2% retinol, 10% MSM. I really love it both for keeping my acne-prone skin clear, and also for improving my skin’s texture and for anti-aging properties.

    • Seconding the below rec for the hyaluronic acid. It’s wonderful!

    • I am so interested by this!

      I’m using prescription strength azelaic acid right now (20%), and it’s working wonders. I know zinc agrees with my skin, so that sounds good too. And I use Cerave products for hyaluronic acid, but I suspect they don’t contain much, and I wonder if would be okay to use the Ordinary product as well.

      I suspect I’ll be making an order…

    • So what sunblock do you use over these? Something with a physical sunblock?

    • Anonymous :

      Just dropped $50 over there because I was just looking in the mirror this morning thinking I needed some more effective products. I’ll be 40 in a couple months and the stuff I’m using now is not cutting it anymore. Thanks for the reco!!

    • Can you please, in plain English, explain what these do or what they are for?
      I’m in my late 30s and have some skin issues (spots etc.) and am a skincare newbie other than moisturizer/sunscreen/BB cream.
      I’ve heard people recommending AHAs and BHAs(?) on here before for anti-ageing I think. Is this similar?
      Thanks!

      • The Lactic Acid is an AHA. My favorite BHA actually is Stridex alcohol free pads. BHA’s are oil soluble and deeply penetrate your pores. AHAs work more on the surface of your skin. Hylaronic acid is actually moisturizing. I usually wash my face, then use a stridex pad. Wait 20 minutes, use Lactic acid. Wait 20 minutes, rinse off face, put on Hylaronic acid, eye balm and moisturizer.

      • They’re both chemical exfoliants. So instead of a physical exfoliant like a scrub, they use acids to resurface your skin, getting rid of old skin cells, and allowing new ones to come to the surface. Makes a huge difference in skin tone, brightness, and fine lines.

        Generally, AHA works best for dryer skin and BHA works best for oilier skin.

  11. Kitchen reno? :

    Does anyone have flooring other than tile or hardwood in their kitchen? Considering a last minute change to our reno plan and I am really interested to hear pros and cons of cork or rubber! TIA!

    • I had a friend who did cork and ended up ripping it up again two years later. It annoyed the heck out of her, because it was always getting little dents in it and unevenness. That’s the only experience I have, though, so maybe it was contractor error with the sealing process or something?

    • anonshmanon :

      My parents have had cork in their living room and hall for 10ish years and are happy. It’s holding up well (they enter the hall through a mudroom) and it is very comfy to walk barefoot on.
      In a kitchen though, it might get too much wear. But you know best how heavy the traffic is in your kitchen.

    • Baconpancakes :

      We have bamboo – it shows dirt really easily, but it’s pretty durable and super cheap.

      • We also have bamboo, though I consider it hardwood. FWIW, bamboo has the same issues as hardwood will if you have water issues (i.e., a leaking ice maker or dishwasher issue).

        If I was redoing my kitchen, I would definitely do tile. No question.

        • Baconpancakes :

          Ha, the previous owners actually put in the bamboo floor after the freezer drawer got left open when they left for vacation and ruined the original 1923 hardwood floor. They figured the cost was so much cheaper replacing it would be less of a big deal, while still being soft enough for their 2-year old to play on.

      • +1 to bamboo. It does have some of the same issues as hardwood, but is way cheaper and is also an eco-friendly/green choice.

    • I have painted and finished concrete and it’s awesome.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I had sheet vinyl for 20-plus years and you can’t beat it for price, comfort, and durability. Don’t know what the design options are but functionally it’s the best.

    • My parents have had cork tiles in the kitchen/entry way for at least 15 years now. It has held up pretty well through two kids and many dogs. From what I remember, it’s warmer and softer than the tile I have in my kitchen now. My mom cooks every day, so the kitchen gets a lot of use.

    • I have a high end vinyl. You can get some really nice vinyl these days, surprisingly. I don’t know much about rubber, but I do know that cork is very soft so if you’re worried about durability you may want to take that into account.

    • I loved my slate floors in my last kitchen to pieces.

    • We have high-end vinyl flooring in a gray wood design. I love it. Kids drop things all the time and the big dogs scramble when they suspect there might be a bunny in our yard (and there is always a bunny in our yard). Not a gauge in sight. It looks crisp and modern.

    • I loved the Pergo in the kitchen and family room in our old house and plan to replace the current tile in our kitchen at the first opportunity. I am tired of sacrifices to the floor deities and dirty grout.

  12. How many Etsuko dresses is too many? :

    I already have 2 Etsukos, but I love the new olive color. Sigh.

  13. A student at my alma mater reached out to me for coffee to chat about my career. I’m about 7 years her senior and hope I can offer some advice that would be helpful. But at the same time, I feel like I’m still faking it til I make it. Any key areas I should cover aside from whatever questions she may have? And I know she’s offering to pay for coffee, would it be awkward if I paid?

    • Haha, same — I chuckle when I read emails that come from students at my alma mater because they are so formal/make me feel old/have a high degree of reverence. It’s not bad or rude, but I remember being there for sure.

      I assume the person wants to hear a little about how I ended up in my career from when I was a student, any lessons learned, etc. — and I always pay, though I let them offer. :-)

      • You can also ask them to send questions over ahead of time so you have time to think on them/encourage them to get their thoughts together. If they are interning etc, you could ask them to bring a copy of their resume so you could give them feedback on it.

    • I went back to speak at my college about my career when I was only 3 years out of college. Like, a formal speaking engagement. Talk about impostor syndrome! But students who are close to graduating and looking for a job prefer hearing about it from someone who did so fairly recently. There seems to be this impression that people well into their careers got into it when it was “easy,” and that things are harder now. (Not statistically true but every generation feels this way about the prior generation.)

      You’re doing a service to this student. Just go with it and be honest.

    • career advice :

      When I get these kinds of things, I usually just tell people about my career journey. I also have a few frameworks that I use to evaluate offers, next steps, roles I might like, etc., so if you have some kind of “checklist” that you go through to make decisions, that might be helpful. I’ve had people ask specific questions about different things, and in that case, I just tell them what I do/did. I am realizing there’s no silver bullet, and most people are just looking for an outside perspective, so you’ll be fine!

      • I’m ten years out of college and would love to hear about how you make decisions.

      • career advice :

        Not to get all click-baity, but I actually wrote an article about it for job searching: http: // time.com/3510982/questions-dream-job-advice/

        Remove the spaces from the slashes between http: and time to avoid moderation.

        There’s a link in there to a “life satisfaction spreadsheet”, which is basically just a weighted decision matrix. I used it to rank colleges as well. So I’d put various selling point in the rows (ie: dorms, cafeteria, majors available, etc.) and then put how important those were to me (ie: 10%, 25%, 40%, etc. to get to 100%), and then I’d put how satisfied I was with each dimension. Multiply those out and add ’em up, and you get a pretty objective measure of how you feel about certain things. I do this with jobs, with apartments, etc. It’s also super helpful when talking with my engineer husband, since he wants everything to be quantified.

        For career-specifc advice, especially for people who aren’t quite sure what they want to do “when they grow up”, I recommend some specific research tactics. First, think about all the things you like doing. Literally, anything… painting, crunching numbers, planting trees, running, whatever. Rank those if it’s too scattered, and then start looking for job titles that include ANY of the things you like (or just the top 3 if it’s a big list). Read a million job descriptions, and print them out and circle the tasks that appeal to you and/or the skills you already have or might like to develop. You’ll start to see a pattern of jobs/industries that might be a fit. If you’re light on experience or education, but it seems like a job as a Teapot Maker would be great for, go get the skills/education. This is how I decided to get my MBA instead of a Masters in Marketing. All the jobs I wanted 10-15 years out had “MBA preferred” or “MBA required”, so that’s the graduate degree I pursued.

        Sorry for the novel, these are my normal go-to conversation topics when people ask me for advice, so saying it is much easier! I love to nerd out about this stuff, so happy to post other links if you want :)

        • Wow, good for you on having a published article!

          • career advice :

            Thanks! It was a humbling surprise to have it published outside of the original outlet where it was submitted :)

    • Senior Attorney :

      I think it would be lovely for you to pay. She’s a poor student and it would be gracious for you to pay. Tell her to pay it forward some day.

      And be honest about the “fake it til you make it” thing. She will remember it when she is seven years out and feeling the same way!

      • Baconpancakes :

        Hearing the “everyone feels like an impostor – just fake it” advice from this board made a huge difference in the risks I was willing to take and the opportunities I went after. It is wonderful advice and every woman should hear it.

      • +1 to the fake it thing. Let her know that most of the working world doesn’t have the “right” answer, because it doesn’t exist like it does in school. Most of work is making the best decision on the available information, and how to find and assess the available data.

  14. Ran across this article on old money vs. new money. I know a few of you were trying to find the discussion a few weeks back.
    http://www.bizjournals.com/dallas/how-to/growth-strategies/2017/04/do-people-see-you-as-old-money-or-new-money.html

    • Wow — I’m so old money it’s scary. And I’m totally passing! I’ve got no $ (like from family with an outhouse in a no-stoplight town in the south poor).

    • Of course a dallas based publication would put this out.

      • Nah, it could be anywhere else (but maybe the PNW — I don’t see Portlandia doing an episode on this).

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I am asking this from honest curiosity, and trying to withhold defensiveness as much as I can (to the extent I am any kind of money, it would surely be ‘new’)… why do people care? why is “old” the kind of “money” someone wants to be?

      • The original poster was interacting with these types in her job, and wanted to mix in well.
        I think also there’s some vision of ‘new’ as being flashy, more Kardashian-like. It was a huge thread because in the hive, none of us wants to appear as such.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Ah, OK, I can get the wanting-to-fit-in aspect.

  15. A while ago someone recommended an ankle compression sleeve type thing on here – for ankle support during workouts. I can’t find the original rec! and when I search on amazon there are a million options, mostly with pretty mixed reviews, and I’m feeling overwhelmed by choice. Does anyone have specific ones that they like, especially if they are available on amazon prime? I’m looking to add some ankle support under my cross trainer without the bulk of a full ankle brace. TIA!

    • I have this one https://www.amazon.com/Kunto-Fitness-Compression-Athletics-Recovery/dp/B01GI5VTC8/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1492787063&sr=8-7&keywords=ankle+brace

      I pink puffy heart LOVE it. It’s seriously held my ankle together.

    • If you have an FSA, the FSA Store has several and you can pay for it with your FSA card (or get reimbursed).

  16. employment layer rec :

    Help please – I need a recommendation for an employment/labor attorney that is licensed in Maryland. A friend has a major problem with harassment (not sexual) and corruption and needs advice. I can’t go into details but they are in a really horrible situation and it definitely warrants a lawsuit.

    • What area of Maryland?

      • employment layer rec :

        Eastern shore but I think they would be fine with anyone in the state. Honestly, it’s probably better if the attorney is not local.

        • Got it. I will reach out to a friend who is an employer-side attorney in Baltimore asking for an employee-side recommendation.

          • You’ve got one below now, but you want additional ones, my friend had some follow-up questions to get you the best fit – executive or standard level employee, what hourly range/salary level, etc. I understand you are most likely not comfortable posting any of that here, so if you want you can email me at lizzyhicken01 at google mail service. If not, NBD!

          • employment layer rec :

            Thank you both! I’ll email you

    • I recommend Edgar Ndjatou as both an excellent employment lawyer and a great person. He’s licensed to practice in both MD and DC.

    • Hmm my last reply seems to have gotten eaten by moderation. I’d highly recommend Edgar Ndjatou at Dhali PLLC. He’s a fantastic employee-side attorney who is licensed to practice in MD and DC. He does a ton of community volunteer work including volunteering for The Women’s Law Center of Maryland’s Employment Law Hotline.

  17. Seeking classic tote :

    Looking forward to my last child being potty trained by the end of the year. Looking ahead, what is a nice tote to replace my “purse-looking” diaper bag? Not interested in the LV Neverfull as it seems ubiquitous in my town. Any other classic totes that will fit random kid stuff?

    • You know, I thought I’d get something like that when the time came. Instead, I find myself just using my Kiva zip wallet on weekends. I can throw it in my totes, but I don’t have to.

      At work I use a clutch and if I need it a Lo & Sons Seville. I was really happy to be able to go really small and didn’t always need more (and when it was more, it was like a Scout bag amount of more).

      In the summer, I use a lot of the smaller LL Bean boat & tote bags as weekend purses but have let myself have fun with trim, monograms, etc.

    • suede help :

      My unicorn bag was the MZ Wallace Bea. I wanted it for years when I was in diaper bag mode. And then they stopped making it :(

      I think there is an MZ Wallace bag for me, but want to go to the store next time I’m in NYC. Maybe the Jane? Or the Kate (but it’s so big!)? Leaning towards the Jane.

      I’ve seen some Metro totes in my city, but want something with more structure / closeable.

      • I have a Jane. It mostly sits in my closet bc the rolled handles hurt my shoulder even when the bag is fairly empty. In contrast, i have heavier leather totes with flat handles, and even when full, no shoulder pain.

    • I have a Tumi nylon tote that I love. Also check out some of the Victorinox totes on ebags. They are both light, full of pockets, sleek and often go on sale. Both of the totes (I have several) have held up well with a lot of wear.

  18. I would appreciate any recommendations for a housekeeper in Los Angeles (South Bay area).

    On the same note, what is a reasonable rate for a housekeeper? We have a 1100 sq ft house with 3 beds and 2 baths.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      I am on the westside, so not sure if my recommendations for a housekeeper are helpful. But we pay about $160 for a monthly cleaning for a place that is slightly bigger. I would think prices in South Bay would be comparable, if not less.

  19. Dinner party :) :

    Any suggestions for an easy and super tasty main course for four? Some friends are staying with me this weekend and I want to make a nice dinner but don’t want to spend a lot of time in the kitchen.

    • YES! If not vegetarian, the White Miso chicken from the NYT cooking section. SO easy and delicious.
      My recommendation after making it a ton is to slightly reduce the amount of butter and not to use the pan drippings as a “sauce” but just poor it off and serve the chicken without it…it retains all the flavor / moisture without being greasy. Serve with white rice and sauteed bok choi or really any vegetable.

      I am a total evangelist for this dish because it tastes SO good but also because it makes my house smell more delicious as anything else I’ve ever cooked, including brownies or cookies.

    • Salmon, cous cous, and green beans? All very quick to cook.
      Or a buffalo chicken cauliflower bake?

    • Chicken marbella from the old Silver Palate cookbook. Everyone loves it and you can make it ahead. It has lots of goodies in it like olives and dried fruit so all you need alongside it is a baguette and a basic green salad.

  20. suede help :

    I have some dark (but not black) pointy toe suede shoes. They look like they are lightening up in the point. Will a suede eraser help with this? Or a suede brush?

    I use a black sharpie on my black leather shoes and/or shoe polish to darken the scuffs. But for suede, I’m at a loss.

    Plus, I don’t have magenta colored sharpie.

    • I used to have a navy spray that was specifically for suede shoes/bags. You could try a shoe repair store – one near me sells a wide variety of polishes – and they might have something or could spray them for you.

      • I would just take it into a shoe repair place and let them do their magic of color matching. I’ve had that done and it cost like $10 for totally revived shoes.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Regardless of whether it would help in this situation, I feel like everybody should have a magenta sharpie. Also gold and silver…

  21. Beginning of Recovery :

    After a doctor’s appointment today, my husband is finally willing to enter a dual diagnosis inpatient program to deal with anxiety / alcoholism. I feel such relief but also some apprehension about what comes next. I think part of this process will result in a career change for him (he is a high stress profession that exacerbates both issues) which I am totally supportive of, but there’s a lot of uncertainty.

    Has anyone been through this themselves who can shed some light on what he might be experiencing, and/or supported a loved one through this process to give me a pep talk / advice?

    We have a 3 year old, if that matters, and I think his decision today was driven in large part by the realization that our son is now old enough to recognize when Daddy “isn’t feeling well.”

    • Anon for Now :

      First, I wish I could give you a giant hug from across the internet. I’m not sure my experience is directly parallel, but maybe it will shed some light/hope: About a year ago, my husband went inpatient to deal with a major mental health crisis. He was initially inpatient for 3 weeks, came out for two and went back in for two. We have two small children at home, and we both work full-time.

      I remember feeling equal parts relief, fear and uncertainty. I was relieved that he was finally getting the help he needed, relieved that it was no longer me who was watching over him, relieved to be able to take a deep breath without him around. At the same time, I was scared about what this meant for him, for me and for us. Him going in patient meant that the health issue really was a big deal, which was scary. I was so uncertain about what the future would hold for him and for us.

      A year later, I can say that things are better. It has been a long road and things are not always roses and sunshine, but they are better and there is so much more good in our lives now.

      If I could offer you one piece of advice it would be this: Take care of yourself. Now more than ever, do whatever you need to do to make space for yourself. If you do not already, find yourself a therapist. Exercise in whatever way is fun or meaningful for you, and do it as much as you can. I hit the treadmill or the road on most days during this time period, and that was my time to reflect, to think or to just be. Outsource as much as you possibly can, including take-out meals, a housecleaner and more childcare. Do not hesitate to take time off of work if you need to. Wrap yourself around your three year old and get lost in his/her world. Above all else, know that you will get through this and you will be ok (and so will your kiddo).

    • Have you thought about therapy for yourself? Good luck to both of you!

    • I had an experience similar to Anon for Now’s and agree about the mixed feelings. Don’t feel guilty if you feel relieved that you finally have some breathing space while he is gone, or if you have apprehension about his return home. Keep your child’s routine as normal as possible but make yours easier. Take care of yourself.

      One thing I found helpful when dealing with health care providers was to appear and sound as pulled-together as possible. They often see the family as part of the problem and many have a tendency to treat family members with very little respect. As a highly educated professional in my own right, I found this insulting and also very unhelpful in dealing with the situation. (Example: I brought medication and dosage information to intake. The intake person refused to take down the information. When I called later I found out that required medications were not being administered, and a very condescending nurse told me that it was my fault for not providing the information and I needed to drive down to the hospital in the middle of the night, with a baby, to bring them the pill bottles so they could take down the information I had already tried to give them.) I always made an effort to appear for visits and appointments well dressed and well groomed, with a list of informed questions and a pad and pen for note-taking. Be calm, polite, and assertive with your questions and requests. Also, verify that everything that is supposed to be happening is actually happening. Are medications being administered? Is the doctor actually seeing him?

      • Anon for Now :

        Agree 100% on dealing with care providers. I normally hate playing the part of a giant B attorney, but when my husband went in-patient, I did not hesitate to use every single tool in my basket to make sure he got the care he needed. At one point, that included showing up to an appointment with his doctor, well-groomed, in a full suit and stating, point blank, “Please educate me on the standard of care in this situation.” And followed up with, “How is [recent action by hospital staff] in line with the standard of care?”

        • OP here. I’m a lawyer too and have no qualms about pulling that card when necessary. Thank you.

    • I have an alcoholic family member and I started attending Al Anon meetings a number of years ago. It is a 12 step support group for family and friends of alcoholics. It has been hugely helpful to me. You can check online for meetings in your area. Sometimes there are meetings specifically for beginners. Best of luck to you.

      • AnonForThis :

        I have had a similar experience. One thing that I and a few other spouse/partner-types noticed was that a few days into the treatment, it seems pretty common for your person to call home and say, “Everyone else here has really terrible problems but I am doing great!” or similar. Don’t believe it! Everyone’s problems are equally terrible/serious, and no one is doing great at that stage.

        Don’t be afraid to take care of yourself. You are at a different stage of life than I was, (I was the girlfriend, and there were no kids involved), but I found there were a lot of demands about my time. The whole “this is a family issue, so you should be here for this group and that event and whatever else,” doesn’t really work if you have a busy career or just need down time. I’d find a counselor totally unrelated to wherever your husband is. That said, if spending time at such things is working for you, go for it. I just felt really pressured and it almost hurt my career a lot – I spent a lot of time rebuilding my reputation of being gone all the time for things that I wasn’t willing to divulge.

      • One more for Al Anon :

        I second this recommendation to find a local Al Anon support group for you. This will help you to support your partner’s recovery by keeping the focus on yourself and avoiding enabling behaviors. Has helped me tremendously. Attending the meetings are great, but with a toddler who you are now solely in charge of makes that difficult, so also check out readings. “Courage to Change” is a daily reader I love and there are also meetings that you can call into and just listen to other people share. Wishing you and your family all the best. hugs.

    • Anonymous :

      I have a close friend that started AA for the first time recently for similar issues. Expect him to be very self-focused for a while, for things to not be easier (stopping drinking often uncovers a lot of the things people are running from), and to need therapy for yourself and maybe together.

      • Anonymous :

        Also to add, he will probably need therapy down the road too, as I understand that AA and the like may not really address the issues that get uncovered – their focus seems to be on the drinking.

    • Anon for this :

      I agree with the above comments. My husband has been in and out of detox for the last 2+ years (we have kids at home too, the older ones definitely know when things are not right at home). A few thoughts – this may be a very long road, so find your coping mechanisms now (I ended up moving in house from big law due to the stress and demands on time). Take care of yourself – I feel like I lost myself for a bit (honestly, the whole situation was really depressing and I stopped eating well, working out, etc.). I’m trying to “find myself” again. Finally, find your support. We haven’t told family, just a few close friends. AA for him and Al-anon for you may be helpful. My local meditation center also has a sitting for people struggling with addiction. The phrase “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it” has been very helpful for me in letting me refocus on myself. Best wishes, I’m glad he’s taken this step.

    • It takes all kinds :

      Not sure if I’m too late, but I went through this w/ my husband a couple of years ago. The time he was in rehab was hard because I was trying to keep everything together for my child and keep up appearances with friends and neighbors. Like others, I had a lot of trepidation about his return, and he was extremely selfish for a long time. And things weren’t good at home: I felt really put-upon and angry. But now that he’s been in recovery 2 years, things are much better. He’s a much better spouse and father, and he’s doing better at work and in all aspects of his life. AA has been a godsend for him (and he was VERY skeptical because he is not spiritual in the least), and Al-Anon has been a godsend for me. I was resistant to it at first, reasoning that I wasn’t the one with the alcohol problem, but what I learned is that I had engaged in behaviors that weren’t all that helpful in response to his drinking, and that I wasn’t responsible for his drinking or his recovery. I tried a therapist for a while, too, but didn’t find that to be helpful. Hang in there; it can get better.

      • After 10 years of marriage to an alcoholic I made an ultimatum that got hubby to go to AA. I went to Al Anon. Found Al Anon very helpful — weird at first, go to at least 6 different meetings before you quit and wait to find one that has a good feel for you. Hubby did mostly get sober with a few relapses. Six years after him getting sober we are now getting divorced because him getting sober only solved about 25% of our problems and the remaining ones stayed. That said, I think we are both WAY better and happier and more able to deal with the divorce now. Living with an active addict was so exhausting and difficult and when he wasn’t active but was just moody and grumpy and down and not contributing and not even supportive that was pretty exhausting too.
        I’d echo comments re self care and compassion and therapy. Good luck to you.

  22. Pen and Pencil :

    I have a friend that is becoming a U.S. Citizen soon and I want to get him something to commemorate the occasion. He and I have dated off and on, but are currently just friends. Uner $50 preferably unless it’s a really really good idea.

    • Late to the party :

      A nice passport holder

      • TorontoNewbie :

        https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/163544120/passport-holders

      • Kat Lee Dune :

        I had a similarly-situated colleague who shared a love of pens and analog watches with me. I ended up buying him a lovely pen (if in NY – look at The Fountain Pen Hospital) and asking other work colleagues to sign a card and contribute. He loved it.

      • He may want to show off his new blue passport though.
        If you want consumable, I’d go with Alice bottle of American bourbon. For a keepsake, maybe a book or a framed print of something appropriate.

    • This may be way off the mark, but the only thing I can remember us getting my dad when he became a citizen was a giant American flag tie, like one that went down to his knees or something. And we had a little family party for him. So, depending on his personality, some goofy Americana gear could be a fun present. Not exactly “commemorative” though.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        I remember baking a carrot cake for my dad when he got his citizenship. It was a surprise and we were all giddy waiting for his car to pull into the driveway. It was fun to celebrate like that!

    • If he’s hipster-y/younger I’d get him a kitschy shirt with an eagle/flag on it. Or maybe a american flag bandana and a fifth of bourbon? Or maybe a cowboy hat/boots/awesome belt buckle.

      If he’s outdoorsy I’d get him one of those passbooks where you keep track of all the national parks you’ve visited with stamps.

      If he’s into travel, I’d get him one of those 1,000 places to visit in america books.

      If a reader/into history, I’d get him the lincoln bio or Zinn’s american history book.

      Also, my parents are immigrants and I got them a simple history book a couple years ago. They’re generally well educated (got professional degrees here) but they just had some gaps in their american knowledge due to not going to elementary/high school here.

      Congrats to him on his becoming a citizen! That’s an exciting step. I’m glad that people want to come here and be citizens.

      • It could also be cute to get him a “4th of July starter pack”, like an americana themed apron, a new grill accessory, sparklers/fireworks, a flag, etc.

    • Pocket Constitution! Which is free or almost free. But it’s a good addition to whatever other gift you give.

      • Senior Attorney :

        YES!!

        https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_ex_n_0?fst=p90x%3A1&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Apocket+constitution&keywords=pocket+constitution&ie=UTF8&qid=1492791229

      • On this note, I would also give him a voter registration form too!

      • Anonymous :

        My friend just became a citizen and they gave her a pocket Constitution at the ceremony. I’m sure it varies based on where the ceremony is but I think this is a pretty common thing to be given away at ceremonies, so I would get something else for a gift.

      • Immigration Attorney :

        Pocket constitutions are commonly handed out at many oath ceremonies. So are voter registration forms and passport applications.

        I love the 4th of July idea!

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      https://www.amazon.com/New-York-Times-Weekends-Canada/dp/3836526395 for USA adventures

      Tie/shirt/socks with USA flags on them that he can wear for the 4th of July.

      4th of july kit – sparklers, jello shot molds, water balloons, S’more stuff, baseball cap etc

      A mixed case of the best beers in the USA: https://beerhunter.co.uk/the-best-of-usa-mixed-case-1069.html?gclid=CLjUurf5tdMCFU6dGwodHIAC7A

      An Annual pass to the National Parks- https://www.recreation.gov/showPage.do?name=landing&landing=/htm/interagency/index.jsp

    • Anonymous :

      I had a friend recently become a citizen and one of our mutual friends gave him a piece of art he had found on Etsy. It’s a “map” with his home country and the US, and has a string connecting the two. It sounds weird but it was really meaningful (had his name and the date he took his citizenship oath). Sort of like this: https://www.etsy.com/listing/218511449/country-or-state-map-on-canvas-long?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=2%20countries&ref=sr_gallery_8

      I’m sure if you searched on Etsy you could find something similar (maybe without the hearts)

    • anonymous :

      Order a flag flown over the US Capitol via your Senators or Representative. There are forms on their websites and they come with personalized certificates.

  23. Gottman Seminars? :

    Has anyone attended one of the Gottman seminars? If so was it worth the time and expense? Did you attended THE seminar out in Seattle or one of the seminars held elsewhere? My husband and I are thinking of attending one of the seminars on the East Coast (not in our city but in one reasonably close). We are both in individual counseling but would like to address some challenges in our marriage as well. We both work full-time and have two young children, so a weekend seminar is appealing.

  24. Latent Sexism? :

    Over the past 2 years working in my current job, I’ve come to realize that my boss is much more comfortable working with men than women. He’s perfectly polite to me, but is much more likely to joke around and chat with my male colleagues than me or the other women working here. I’m leaving this position soon so it wouldn’t bother me, but this is a student job that I had hoped would lead to other positions after I graduate. My boss has been a good reference, but I recently learned that he has told male employees about job opportunities that I haven’t been hearing about and has generally been more hands-on in helping them with applications, cover letters, and things like that. What would you suggest I do? My inclination is just to suck it up until I graduate, then make my own way without him, but I’m really bothered by the fact that I’m missing out on opportunities because he’s better buddies with my male colleagues.

    • Set up a one-on-one with him for mentoring reasons. Sometimes you have to create these opportunities for yourself if they don’t naturally arise.

    • My answer to this would depend on whether you need him for a reference. If you do, I wouldn’t say anything. If you don’t, then I would take him aside, casually, and mention that one of the reasons you are leaving is [your post above]. And temper it by saying, I know you genuinely meant no ill will, but I was treated differently by you, and it did affect my career prospects. I’d add, if applicable, “I know you have a daughter, and want her to be as successful as possible, and so I am telling you this because I want her to have the same opportunities that her male contemporaries have” if you are so inclined. I would be very kind, and direct and gentle and understanding (not accusatory!) but say that you noticed this and hope it’s something he can be a bit more conscious of in the future with other female direct reports. Again, you know this guy and I don’t, so you’d know how he’d react to a conversation like this better than I.

  25. Don’t normally, but asking for good vibes this weekend. Turns out my 4 year old cat somehow broke a sternum bone that she normally associates with getting hit by a car – the vet has no clue how it could’ve been broken on it’s own, since he’s an indoor only cat. My guess is when he was playing and jumping around with our other cat. He’s otherwise acting normally and they sent me home with pain meds to keep him comfortable until a local specialist takes a look and gets back to me on Monday. Fingers crossed it’s not bad enough to warrant surgery or just something very minimal.

    • Aww, poor thing! Glad he is acting normally, though. Sending good vibes and hoping it’s nothing serious.

    • Sending good vibes to you and your cat! I hope everything turns out okay.

    • Oh sweetie! I hope he’s ok. Sending all the love and good vibes from me and my cat!

    • All the good vibes!!

    • I’d be concerned about how this happened. Is there any third person who might have come in contact with your cat, like a cleaning person, landlord, repair person or the like? If the vet says this injury is normally indicative of a car strike, I would worry it might have been caused by a kick. Although I know cats can play roughly.

  26. Tory Burch sizing? :

    Can anyone speak to Tory Burch clothing (specifically dresses) sizing? Is it true to size per the size charts? For example, per Jcrew’s size charts, I am a size 4 in dresses, but I wear a size 0 in dresses at Jcrew and XS in tops there. I have a hunch I would be a 4 at Tory Burch (that it follows the size charts), but I wanted to see if anyone has had experience here. 34b, 27″ waist, 37″ hips and 5’3″ tall. I recently bought a dress at ralph lauren in a size 2.
    Any help?

    • Maybe this will help? 32c, 27″ waist, 38″ hips, 5’8″, and I wear a size 8 in J.Crew and a M or size 8 in Tory Burch.

  27. Nondocumented Immigrant Question :

    This came up in a client meeting the other day and was wondering if anyone knows the answer off the top. The client is a farmer and relies heavily on migrant workers. They get social security cards from every worker, but they also wonder if some of them are legit. What steps does a business owner need to go to in order to not get in trouble for hiring nondocumented workers? Is it strict liability?

    • You really shouldn’t be doing legal research by crowd-sourcing an answer on this s!te.

    • I agree that this is something you need to get actual legal advice about. But I will say, the employer has a responsibility to closely examine identity documents and question or reject any that they reasonably suspect are falsified. There are some masterfully faked ID documents out there, that even DHS agents can’t detect just by looking. But the vast majority of fakes are poor fakes, and an employer can absolutely get in trouble for looking the other way on identity documents that are obvious fakes. Like a passport for a person who is obviously under 30 in their picture, but the passport lists a birthdate that makes them 52 (I saw that in an employee file one time). If the employer is audited by DHS, there will be trouble if they have workers who are not authorized to work in the United States and the identity documents the employee presented are obviously fake. However, DHS generally does not penalize employers for not detecting well-made or not reasonably obvious fakes. Although, you know, things change and could vary from agent to agent. This is why I encourage my employer clients to use E-Verify, if they’re concerned. And frankly, in the current political environment, all employers should be concerned. I believe we are going to see an increase in DHS audits and in penalties applied in the near future.

    • suede help :

      I thought that people got notified when the TINs that are submitted don’t match the one on file. That’s usually a red flag to follow-up.

      That’s better than what I usually see, which is treating people as independent contractors and not withholding taxes, etc.

    • Ummm definitely seconding Anonymous about not crowdsourcing legal advice. Yes they can get in trouble for hiring undocumented workers and they should hire an immigration attorney to advise them of the risks and proper procedures.

    • nasty woman :

      This is a very complicated area of law. The answer is not likely to be simple or straightforward. Do not crowd source. If your client wants an actual risk assessment or plan of action, you need someone who knows this area/the procedural hurdles…. asking internet lawyers is flirting with malpractice.

    • I know someone who runs a golf course and as long as the numbers run, he considers it doing his due diligence. But I don’t know what his actual legal obligation is – he should turn to an official body for advice.

  28. I travel a lot for work (train, plane, and car) and was wondering if any other road warriorettes have recs for DVT socks or the like? (Or any other travel accessories that you swear by to save your body from being run completely ragged, short and long term?) TIA!

    • Anonymous :

      I like Sockwell compression socks. They’re made of wool, so they’re not sweaty like those polyester drugstore socks. That and lots of hand sanitizer, mini hand lotions, melatonin,and the Clinique moisture surge mask in a trial size are all my standard travel accessories. I also sometimes travel with my foam roller because I’m a weirdo – The Grid is hollow in the middle so it doesn’t take up too much space.

    • Minnie Beebe :

      I wear compression socks for flights longer than ~3 hours, most of the time. I hate travelling without them. I’ve got a couple pair of Jobst, I think– these are like knee-high hose. I also have some sporty compression socks that are thicker and which I rarely wear– they just get too hot for long flights.

      Not sure if you’re stuck in coach or not (I am, even on flights to Asia)– before my last long-haul trip, I bought a foot sling; it’s a small hammock for your feet that you strap around the tray table arms. It actually was very cool! It’s nice to be able to take pressure off the back of your legs. It was $20 or $25, and worthwhile.

      Eye mask and earplugs are also great. I can’t wear headphones for a long time– I get sweaty underneath, and I don’t like the pressure on the side of my head for too long. So while I generally bring (and use) some noise-cancelling headphones, I switch it up with earplugs as well. I’ve got a giant eye shade that wraps around my head– looks ridiculous, but I can sleep for hours on the plane if I have one on. IDGAF when I’m travelling.

    • If you wear compression socks, make sure they stop at (or below) the widest part of your calf. I have short legs and most compression socks end just under my knees, which means they actually restrict blood flow upwards. I have to fold or scrunch them so they stop at the right place. So whatever you go with, make sure they aren’t causing the problem you want them to fix.

    • Thanks!

  29. Best deodorant/antiperspirant? :

    Looking for a deodorant/antiperspirant that is unscented or lightly scented. I tried Toms Natural Deodorant, but it does not seem to do much for me. I am breastfeeding a two month old so would like to go the natural route if possible but am open to all suggestions. Am sure this has been covered before, but having trouble finding threads on the topic. Thank you hive!

    • Sunflower :

      Almay Sensitive Skin Clear Gel. It’s unscented.

    • Anonymous :

      Crystal body deodorant stick – the kind that is a rock that you need to wet to apply.

    • Native. Love it!

      • I like Native, too. I’ve found that it lets my natural bo through wayyyyy at the end of the day, so I’d say it lasts about 16ish hours?

    • I’ve used Philip’s milk of magnesia (yup, the laxative) as deoderant for years after reading about it in People’s Pharmacy. It does nothing to stop sweat, but it stops my BO as nothing else ever has—even through hot and humid southern summers. I don’t know if it’s safe while BF’ing.

    • JuniorMinion :

      I use Mitchum Men’s advanced gel (the green one). I am apparently seriously sweaty and this really works. Not natural, but it is fragrance free.

      I started using it because my husband uses it. I’ve always been a men’s deodorant user (I think they are a bit stronger?) but this one is really good.

    • Maybe not what you want to hear, but consider skipping deo for a couple weeks and let your body and hormones even out post-birth?
      If you’re on maternity leave, it doesn’t matter if you perspire a bit (no colleagues, your baby likes your natural smell) and worst case, just trying showering twice a day?

  30. Anonagain :

    Argh. Any tips for working with a person who has zero respect for my abilities and assumes everything I do or say is wrong, in the very short term? I’ve mercifully been able to avoid this person for a while but need to deal with him again now. Not looking for long term advice like getting the hell out right now…I’d just like to get through the day without throwing things or crying at my desk. Thanks and happy Friday to all!

    • Senior Attorney :

      Play “horrible coworker bingo?”

    • I work with someone like this, who is a major bully and thinks he can say whatever he feels like when he’s having a bad day. The only way I was able to stop being one of his targets was to call him out aggressively and publicly when he went after me again. He does outrank me and I was ready to walk away, but he actually apologized afterward. It was the only way I could continue to work there and not explode.

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