Suit of the Week: Boss

65 Comments

1. Have you done any online ‘work fun’ activities that you enjoyed? (something roughly equivalent to dinner – lots of ages and from across the country)

   I would like something that includes more discussion than a cook-along class, but is less agressively ‘teambuilding’ than a lot of things out there.

   1. We did a great trivia night through Hedgehog Trivia – they assigned teams so there were no cliques, but it was way more fun than I expected!

      1. https://www.hedgehogtrivia.com/

   2. I’ve done a virtual escape room that was actually pretty fun/well done. Also did a group whiskey tasting that would have been fun if I liked whiskey – I know a couple of my colleagues who do really enjoyed themselves.

      1. I’ve done Zoom wine tasting and it was great, if that’s something your crowd would like.

         1. I did a fancy cheese tasting over Zoom and it was super fun. The cheeses were delicious and the classes were informative. Murray’s and other fancy cheese shops have them.

            I personally feel like alcohol would be kind of weird because tipsiness + trying to interact virtually doesn’t seem like it would mix well, at least not for my awkward self. But I’m not a big drinker in general so YMMV.

2. I recently received a several (12+) pieces of art, and I’m trying to decide how to frame and hang them. They are all small, but a range of sizes size, same artist but a variety of media and styles. They’re beautiful, but very different from the other art in my house. Should I do a gallery wall or scatter them? Frame them the same, or mix it up?

   1. Collections of items look best grouped together. Find a place to put them together and I’d frame them in the same way.

   2. I would do a gallery wall and frame them so that they complement each other but don’t match. I follow the artist whitneystoddardart on Insta and she has several pics of gallery walls and I like that style.

      1. +1 to gallery wall with complementary but not identical frames.

3. I’m looking for a script for leaning out, specifically this situation: when you’re in a meeting, the rest of the group is setting up/scheduling another future meeting, and you do not want to be a part of any further meetings? I’m trying to confidently scale back my commitments in some volunteer organizations I’m a larger part of right now than I can continue. I struggle with in the moment, face to face, saying “No I cannot do that” when they’re trying to plan around/with me – let’s blame it on my midwest upbringing as a girl who doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. It happened last night and I let them set up the meeting and then said I would try and find someone to send/that I had work commitments, but I’m wondering if there’s a better way to assertively and politely deal with this situation.

   My goal is to do this a lot over the next year; I need to lean out of a lot of my volunteer commitments and leadership positions in order to lean into my career and opening a small yoga studio. I know that that is where I want to spend my energy and time, but it’s difficult for me to disentangle myself without a “good excuse” even though I know I don’t need one/owe people one.

   1. First thing is to understand that you will not be giving them your best work if you say yes, so you are helping them by saying no. Further, you aren’t helping them by dodging the issue; if they need someone to do your normal work, they are best off starting that search now and not when they get the hint months down the road.

      I would do the following: as the new meeting is being set up, say something like, “I’ve been meaning to bring this up: my next 12 months are looking rather heavy with work commitments, and I will be stepping back for the duration. Please plan the meeting around your schedules.”

   2. You don’t lean out of volunteering, if you want the resume point you put in the time, if not you quit. Otherwise you’re doing a disservice to the charity when your role could be filled by someone who has the time to contribute.

      1. Completely agree with this. Follow through with your commitment or quit and let them find somebody else who can do it. There is no room for somebody half-a$$ing it. If there is a smaller job you are able to do, then be clear about that.

         For example: “I am so sorry but I realize I am not going to be able to attend monthly meetings in the future due to increased demands on my time from ABC Thing and XYZ Thing. If you ever need somebody to do 123 Specific Job, please give me a call.”

   3. I would email after the meeting and back out of the commitment entirely.

   4. Don’t wait until they’re setting up the next meeting. Have a separate meeting with the person in charge. “I have some commitments coming up in my personal and work life that will prevent me from giving my all in my current position. I’d like to chat about transitioning some of these responsibilities to another team member.”

   5. Your “good excuse” is that you no longer have the capacity to be part of these volunteer commitments because you’re beginning to work on opening your own business.

      Here’s a script for a nice midwestern girl, from a nice midwestern girl: “I’m so sorry that I’m not going to be able to be part of this! Don’t plan around me, because I’m working on starting my own business and no longer have the same time that I used to have, so I won’t be able to be there. I’m sad not to be doing this anymore! But I think you guys are going to do great at all this, and I’m excited to see what you come up with.”
      “Oh, Bonnie Kate . . . we really need you on this! We can’t do this without you!”
      “[Laughing] Oh, you guys are so good at this; you’ve GOT it. I’ve been thinking about who might be a good person to bring on board to help here, and haven’t come up with anyone yet, but if I do, I’m for sure going to let you know.”
      “Let’s just go ahead and meet with you on Wednesday this next time; then we’ll work on a replacement later.”
      “Wouldn’t it be great if that would work? It’s just not going to, because of all this new stuff I’m doing. You guys just go ahead and do what works best for you. I think the event is going to be great …”

      Basically, you just used a LOT of words there to say, “i can’t be at future meetings.” And notice how happy you are with them and how much you believed in them and their project and want it to succeed? A blunt person who cuts to the chase would never say all this and will think this is asinine, but a “no” wrapped in this kind of “but I like you and I’m cheering this on” makes it easier for us nice midwestern girls.

      1. OMG. You have solved many of my life issues right here. So much of the blunt no thank-you advice is just not in my nature or wheelhouse. Midwest nice.

      2. Yes thank you!!! This is exactly what I need! I’m saving and will be returning to often!

   6. The best thing you can do for you – and for the organization you’re volunteering for – is to have an open, honest discussion with the person “in charge” about your capacity to contribute/do. This will allow them to plan accordingly, and for you to no longer feel awkward during these moments and to focus your attention on your exciting next venture.
      Just tell them what your plans are… “Judy, I am scaling back due to other priorities in my life. This org has been great xyz but I’m letting you know now that I can only contribute xyz hours, expertise, whatever, until September 30. I’m letting you know early so you can make other arrangements/whatever.” Especially if this is an organization reliant on volunteers. And presumably you’ve had a nice relationship with them. This is the responsible and polite thing you can do reflective of your midwestern values.
      You don’t owe anyone any excuses or explanations. Just have the quick conversation.

      1. +1. As a Midwesterner I have done this and it goes well. Talk with the organizer so they know.

         And then when meetings are scheduled you say things like “Oh, I let Amy know that I’m scaling back my hours, don’t plan around my schedule!” in a breezy way with a huge smile. Most of the time it’ll pass unnoticed but if they ask for more info, then you breezily repeat what you told the organizer.

         For excuses, depending on how much you want to share, there’s almost always something happening in your life that you can vaguely point to. “As the kids move into elementary school/ we go back into the office/ Dave switches jobs/ the house gets older/ we get older, you know how busy things get, so I have to scale back in other areas. I can’t wait to cheer you on/ help where I can/ attend the events/etc!”

         1. This script is giving a mixed message. “I can’t wait to help where I can/attend the events” is exactly what you should NOT be saying. Be honest with yourself first on how much (if any) time you want to devote to projects and then let the organization know the parameters. Volunteering is literally about giving time. Set expectations low. If you can exceed them, they’ll be appreciative. But otherwise you’re going to potentially overburden someone else unexpectedly and/or bring the project down.

      2. +1000 Just say that you are going to have to step back for a while due to other commitments. Be quick and to the point. Do you think a man would pussy-foot around and try to be a nice midwestern boy? No.

   7. From what you’ve described, I don’t know that you can in that moment exactly. I think sending around an email to the group and telling them you’re not able to continue makes the most sense.

      “Hi fellow Thing-doers!

      I need to let you know that I have to step back from my role on Thing Committee / as Deputy Thing Doer. I realized after our last meeting that I don’t have the time to devote to Thing that it deserves and I wanted to let you know ASAP. I’ll still be involved in Thing and I look forward to being more involved with Thing again in the future when my schedule allows.

      Best wishes,
      Suzy Thing-doer”

4. Thanks to the poster who recommended Keap candles. I did a seasonal subscription. My first candle arrived today and I love it. I also love that they included a tiny size of next month’s seasonal candle, because that let me know I needed to make a change for next month, which is a great option. Really enjoying it so far!

   1. Awesome! That was me and I am glad it is working out so far.

      It had been so hot for a stretch that I hadn’t my candle, but you have just inspired me to take advantage of the break in weather and indulge in my latest one.

5. Caveat: I realize I’m privileged to be in a position of asking this question.
   Is there a point at which you feel comfortable not maxing out your retirement? Or should you always contribute the maximum amount you possibly can? Is it more tied to $$ amount or age?
   My husband and I are 36, we have about $500k in retirement accounts and no other savings beside an emergency fund. We currently max all our employer accounts which is $78k annually (we have two accounts each) but don’t have any IRAs or other investment accounts. We have a paid off house that’s conservatively worth about $400k. I plan to retire at 65 or even earlier, but my husband is one of those weirdos who won’t leave his job until he has to for health reasons and it’s extremely common in his profession to work until your mid-late 70s (I know living that long in good health is not a guarantee though). We don’t live like paupers currently – our house is nice and we have made improvements to it, we travel and eat out and we outsource things like cleaning, but it would be nice to loosen the purse strings a bit and we can’t do that while we are diverting so much money to retirement. I want to be responsible and save for the future, but I also know enough people who died or got disabled before retirement that I don’t have a “oh we’ll just enjoy life when we’re 65+” attitude because I know a healthy happy retirement is not guaranteed. I know there’s probably not an objectively right answer, just curious how other people who are in a fortunate position to be able to save a lot balance saving vs. spending.

   1. I think the issue here is – what exactly do you want to be spending on? If it’s travel, take a little time to discuss where you’d like to travel to together. Have fun planning a trip! And then figure out a budget. If it’s absolutely not doable with your current savings, THEN you could ease up.

      To feel a bit more relaxed, maybe you can outsource more than cleaning. Laundry. Cooking/meal delivery (either already prepared, or a meal-prep service). You get the idea.

      But if you just loosen the purse strings to have general lifestyle creep, not sure it’s worth it.

      1. Thanks, I appreciate the reminder not to let our lifestyle creep without a specific goal.

   2. A few thoughts. Are you still Roth IRA eligible? I might shift some contributions there if you are. I like having money in a Roth as a hedge against future tax rate increases and as a way to balance taxable income in the future, plus you can always withdraw the contributions penalty free.

      Also, I’m assuming that you’re contributing to a 457, but is a government 457 which is also eligible for penalty free withdrawal once you leave the employer? That’s a big plus, since it makes early retirement easier if you decide you want/need to do that. If that’s the case, I don’t see any reason not to keep maxing out that account, since you can always withdraw the money penalty free once you quit the job and it seems unlikely you’d need the money until that point. If the other account is 401k/403b, you could back off a bit on that one and spend a little more on things you really want to do now, but I’d make a point of doing that intentionally- don’t cut back until you have a plan.

      1. Yes, we are Roth eligible. Our 403b is partly Roth. Our employer gives us the option to do either and we made non-Roth contributions to it for a while but then switched it to Roth, so I wasn’t sure there was any advantage to an IRA. I did not know that about the 457, good to know. Thanks for your thoughts.

   3. Good question. Your thoughts are reasonable, especially if your husband is planning to ?never retire. You may need to talk about that one down the road(!).

      Do you invest with Fidelity or Vanguard? Maybe set up one of their free sessions to review our investments and goals, and ask this exact question. They can run some numbers for you, and be appropriately reassuring.

      My mother died before retirement, after saving every penny her whole working life, which my father insisted they do. I am so sad she never got to relax, travel or enjoy life like she wanted to. So I agree with you…. do not wait to do important quality of life things with your loved ones, because you never know what will happen. And you guys are in great shape. Well done.

      1. Oh yeah I’m definitely not thrilled about the never retiring thing, but it’s a price of admission to the relationship. There are ways for him to cut back without fully retiring, which he will likely do between 65 and 70, and his job is pretty flexible to begin with so it’s not like we won’t be able to have fun together. But I know I will need to cultivate volunteer work and hobbies and friends because I won’t have a traditional mid-60s retirement with a spouse.

         Yes, our accounts are with Fidelity and I appreciate the advice to talk to them. I’m really sorry about the loss of your mom <3

   4. I don’t understand how you are contributing that much. Isn’t the limit on combined 401K and Roth 401K contributions? Not a separate limit for each?

      1. We each have a 403b and a 457. You can contribute the limit to both.

      2. Yes, this is correct. The maximum contribution per person under age 50 in 2021 is $19,500. It doesn’t matter how many accounts you have.

         1. This comment is not correct. It depends on the kinds of accounts. A 457 (common in government) generally has a separate contribution limit from a 403b or 401k, so employees who have a 457 and either a 401k or 403b can contribute twice the normal amount.

      3. If you work for the government or a nonprofit, you may also be eligible to contribute to a 457. That means you can contribute an additional 19.5k on top of 19.5k to a 401k/403b (you might actually have access to both of these but the 19.5k limit applies across them). Based on her description, I’m assuming her husband is an academic and he works at a university.

         1. Yep, he’s a tenured professor and I’m university staff. The never retiring thing is a dead giveaway for academia isn’t it? ;)

      4. Yea that confused me. Does that include employer match?

6. So I may be “returning” to the office in a few weeks… I got the job last year so I’ve never been IN the office. What’s it gonna be like, for those of you who had a long WFH and are now back at your desk?

   Secondary: I will have a cubicle with some space underneath like for a little box and at least 1 personal drawer. What’s your best recommendations for Stuff to Keep at Your Desk? I keep thinking of stuff and it’s getting to be a long list!

   1. Stuff to Keep at Your Desk
      – wrapped snacks (bars, individually packaged nuts). Nothing perishable. See: the Great Office Exodus of 2020
      – Tide-to-Go pen
      – hand sanitizer – duh
      – a few paper towels, maybe not the whole roll
      – touch-up makeup, if you use it
      – compact mirror to check your teeth after lunch :D
      – stationery that makes you happy

   2. Shawl and some extra socks. Tampons and panty liners, if you use them. Extra deodorant, for those days you realize on your commute that you forgot. Dental floss or sticks and hand mirror. Some packaged emergency food, including some that you like, but not like so much that it feels like a snack drawer. Some favorite tea bags. Extra pair of contacts, if you use dailies. Extra charger cable for your phone and for your headphones, if you use noise-cancelling or similar.
      Hairbrush or comb, if relevant. Hair clip, same.

   3. SNACKS. My snack drawer is depleted and the contents are expired.

      1. We’ve been battling a rodent issue at one of our buildings for the last few months. Folks left a bunch of snacks in their offices when we were sent home last year, which led to a glut of food for the mice, which led to a population boom. So you might want to throw your snacks away anyway.

   4. My list…
      -Tylenol and ibuprofen
      -Tampons and pads
      -Notepad with hints (not the actual passwords) to my passwords for Stuff I Deal With On Slow Days (like calling Verizon about a billing issue)
      -Contact case and trial size solution (I wear monthlies. For dailies, would just have an extra pair.)
      -Tide pen
      -A few sizes of bandaids (shoe blisters, bad paper cut)
      -Nail file
      -Small hairbrush
      -Hair ties aka ponytail holders
      -Travel size hairspray
      -Travel size deodorant
      -Chapstick (I don’t wear lipstick)
      -Powder compact
      -Mints
      -Emergency nonperishable snacks
      -Phone charger
      -Neutral sweater or shawl
      -Blazer
      -Random, but stamps. I would always send mail, whether birthday cards or payments, from the office.

   5. I would add a toothbrush! It’s saved me in a couple situations when I had something in my teeth and floss didn’t work.

      I also keep “dry shoes” for rainy days. #seattle.

7. To the person who posted about making an error and beating themselves up over it – today I have made three very similar mistakes, one after the other, involving the same people each time. So solidarity! I dearly wish it was Friday.
   -pugsnbourbon

   1. I hope tomorrow is a better day!

   2. Original mistake poster here! Hang in there! I’m still shaken up but working on coming out on the other side. The partner I told also took some of the responsibility for not catching the mistake, so that made me feel a little better.

      1. Glad to see your update! I hope that you treat yourself to some self care for getting through this!

8. A bit late in the day, so I may repost tomorrow. I still have a landline phone because I live on the west coast and I’m worried about earthquakes. I’ve been researching whether to keep the landline and whether it is worthwhile in an emergency. We have a satellite in reach device for when we go hiking out of cell phone range so that may be worth activating all year instead of a landline. I still can’t decide what to do and I’m wondering if anyone else who lives in an earthquake zone still has a landline. Thank you in advance.

   1. I don’t, but only because I ran away from home and left the landline behind. If I’d stayed I would never have gotten rid of it.

   2. I would look into whether landlines in your area would reliably work when there is a major earthquake. I was in San Francisco for Loma Prieta (which was obviously a LONG time ago) but our phones went out within minutes because the circuits are overloaded. And I have been told that fiber optic cables do not work when the power is out so a lot of newer residences do not have their phone service when there is no power.

      If you have copper phone lines, you MIGHT be able to use your phone after an earthquake. Or you might not. Having been in every major earthquake in California since Whittier (seriously I was in LA for Whittier, SF for Loma Prieta and back in LA for Northridge), I do not have a landline. I focus more on having enough food and water – but that is partly because I ate apples and PB for a days after Loma Prieta and would like to avoid doing that again.

      1. +1 – also in SF in 89 and the phones didn’t work. I think landlines are more likely to go down in an earthquake infrastructure wise, or at least as likely as a cell tower to collapse. I still love in SF and ditched the landline years ago and can’t imagine getting one for earthquake preparedness.

   3. Maybe it should be, but a landline is not a priority for earthquake prep for me. Cell towers tend to have backup batteries that’ll work for a few days. If they go down, I suppose I could just bike to the firehouse or ask a neighbor to if I’m hurt. On 9/11, I was near the Pentagon and had trouble getting a line out on a landline anyway because of the volume of calls.

      I’m more focused on hardening my house against wildfire (also helpful in the event of fires post-earthquake), and strengthening my house to withstand an earthquake. Also, having enough food, water, and energy (solar + battery), and other supplies to hang out at home and help neighbors for a few weeks without adding to the burden of the disaster response workers.

   4. Definitely repost tomorrow – in the same boat and would like feedback.

   5. I have lived in SoCal since after grad school (so 15+ years at this point) and have never had a landline. It honestly never occurred to me that a landline would be useful if there were an earthquake. I’ve always figured either the earthquake will be so terrible that I’ll be SOL along with everyone else, or it will be minor enough that my cell phone would still be working. *shrug emoji*

   6. Thank you for the replies! I’m doing a variety of long awaited tasks so I will call the phone company and ask about our lines. I may upgrade my cell plan for long distance and cancel the land line.

      1. I didn’t know you could still get a cell phone without long distance…. Unless you mean international?

   7. I had a landline for years due to earthquake concerns. I still have one because it comes with my basic internet package, but we don’t use the phone number for anything and rarely check messages. If I could choose not to have it, or had to pay for it, I wouldn’t.

      1. Real question, not snark, because I’ve heard this a lot, if the line comes with your internet is it really a landline? Do you get internet from the phone company? Or cable? My cable internet came with a “landline” we don’t connect, but I thought it was basically VOIP.

   8. I also live in SoCal, don’t have a landline and have miserable cell service at home. I’m definitely concerned about losing internet during power outages and not being aware of fires, but I’m not really really sure what good a landline would do during an earthquake. Who would I call and who would call me if cell service didn’t work? Everyone I know only has a cell and in the event of a really major earthquake, it seems unlikely that a call to 911 would really do much anyway. I plan to be as self sufficient as possible (food and water, basic medical supplies) and hope for the best.

   9. We will keep our landline until our parents pass, but getting rid of it wouldn’t save money anyway since we have an internet bundle. May be worth checking, since a la carte almost always costs more.

   10. I keep a landline (Marin) for this reason. During one of our multiple power outages the landline did not work, but this issue was addressed by AT&T and we’ve been assured the landline will function without power. During our last power outage, the landline remained functional. AT&T will not install a new copper landline (they are trying to phase them out). The cost is about $50/mo and I’ve had it for 20 years. That’s $12,000! Cell phones probably won’t work in the case of a major earthquake and they didn’t after a couple of days without power. It is my insurance policy in case my husband, son and I are apart at the time of the event and a way for our extended families to know we are okay.

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