ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 362 Comments

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Kady Pant

·

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Eloquii is, and always has been, one of my favorite plus-sized brands, mostly because they recognize that no two bodies are the same.

Recently, they’ve introduced pants in a variety of fits, depending on different body styles. The Viola fit, pictured here, is for people with smaller busts and bigger thighs and hips. The Gena fit is for a fuller stomach with slimmer thighs and legs, and the “Regular” fit is for people with busts and hips that are roughly the same. (Eloquii, if you’re listening, maybe come up with a better name than the “Regular” fit? But otherwise, you’re doing great!)

These royal blue pants are my personal favorites, but they also come in black, navy, scarlet, green, and dune.

The pants are $79.95 and come in sizes 14–28. Right now you can get 40% off “original ticket” styles at Eloquii with code SAVEMORE.

An option in straight sizes is from Anne Klein; the pants are $89 at Nordstrom.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

362 Comments

  1. DH are moving to a new place with a tiny bedroom, and can’t decide where to place our queen-sized bed. Can you help us decide between the options below?

    Option 1: In the corner of the bedroom, with two sides (the headboard and one long side of the bed) up against the wall. This option will almost certainly look the best in terms of furniture layout. But it will be hard to change the sheets, there won’t be room for nightstands, and the person who sleeps closer to the wall will have to crawl in and out if they need to get out of bed in the middle of the night.

    Option 2: Center the headboard on the longest wall so that the bed is perpendicular to the wall and pretty much centered in the middle of the room. This will make the room look/feel cramped, and there will only be 13″ of clearance between the foot of the bed and one of the walls. However, it will be easier to make the bed and we can have nightstands.

    Which do you think is preferable? I know we can always move the furniture around once we’re there and try it both ways, but it would be great to hear from anyone who has had to make a similar decision previously.

    1. I similarly have a tiny bedroom, and centering the headboard on the longest wall is the best option for us without contest. The room is cramped, but it would feel cramped anyway, and it’s SO much more livable when my wife and I both have room on the sides of our bed. Squeezing around the foot of the bed to get in or out on my side is still better than having to clamber over my wife!

    2. I have. I originally had the bed in your second description and moved it to the first way, so that I could fit an exercise bike into the room. The massive caveat here is that I live alone – I wouldn’t have done it if there were going to be two people in the bed.
      Do you already have a bed? I chose one with as shallow a head and foot board as possible (and the footboard only extends about 4 inches above the mattress at its highest point) to reduce both visual and physical bulk.

    3. Option 2. I hate having to make the guest bed at my mom’s house where it is pressed against a wall. If I had to do that every week, I think I would go nuts. And having to climb in and out sounds awful too.

    4. I’d go with Option #1. We have a very small bedroom w/ a king size bed and the room would feel ridiculously small with the bed centered. I don’t find changing the linens to be a big deal even with it up against the wall (though changing sheets and making the bed is already one of my least favorite household tasks!)

    5. Forgot to mention-IKEA sells these cubes (Ekort?) that mount to the wall with rails and I’ve found them to be a nice alternative when no room for a nightstand.

    6. We’ve done both in two different apartments; currently have a full size bed oriented like your option 2 with ~17″ clearance on either side. I much prefer option 2, though it’s tough for me to imagine narrower space than what we currently have. I was on the inside in option 1 and it was tough and it really only worked because I both went to bed earlier and woke up later.

      We had a lot of trouble finding nightstands less than 18″ wide, ultimately found them at The Christmas Tree Shop of all places. To get narrower, you might try searching for wood plant stands, e.g. “Mission Unfinished Indoor Plant Stand” at Home Depot.

      1. Wish I’d read thud last week when looking for a very narrow table for a different space. I ended up putting floating shelves on the wall but would have preferred a table. Couldn’t find one narrow enough, probably wasn’t using the right search terms.

    7. I’d definitely go with option 2 with one modification: Get rid of the headboard and/or footboard. That will give you even more clearance at the end of the bed.

      1. Yes! Such a good idea. You can put a wall hanging above the bed to provide a finished look. I think there’s such a thing as a wall mounted “headboard” too.

    8. Option 2, no question. I have this issue in our guestrooms, and there’s no way I’m making people climb over each other, and difficulty making the bed is no joke. Just make it cozy and spare – I’d do sconces or hanging lights instead of nightstand lamps and consider a small built in shelf instead of a nightstand. Paradoxically, I’d also paint it dark – it will feel like a cozy little nest.

    9. Option 2. Aside from the annoyance to Wall Person, they will definitely wake the other person up whenever exiting the bed, and speaking from a couple that is both “cold sleepers” the lack of airflow around Wall Person’s sleeping space would be less than ideal.

    10. We had this in our old flat. We couldn’t make option B work (for complicated reasons, we had a washer and dryer in our bedroom). It wasn’t ideal but it was fine. Bonus…if I let my husband have the good outside spot, he had to get up with our toddler. We did have our weekly cleaning lady change the sheets though, so were spared that wrestling.

    11. My bedroom is also small, and I have what would be your option 2, which is the best placement in the room by far, and gives the best restful positions to sleep in. There’s 22 inches to the wall on each long side of the bed, with more room at the foot of the bed.

      The 22 inches feels very tight, when getting out in the middle of the night, especially on the side that’s furthest from the door. Even though I’m small and slim and can walk very normally in a 22 inch corridor, I almost always bump into the foot board and get regular bruised thighs when rounding the corner on that side (not my side normally, but still annoying). So if you only have 13 inches – I would make sure to have a soft foot end of the bed, not a bed frame, and try and get a smaller bed frame if you can. Every inch you can save is worth it.

      If one of you never gets out in the night, so that crawling over is a rare exception, I’d much rather change the bedding uncomfortably than walking like a crab around the bed.

    13. It would be soooo annoying to be the person who has to climb over to the other side of the bed.

      1. She wasn’t suggesting it go on the diagonal, but I once had a similar situation and being on the diagonal was the best functional option. It was my bedroom, I wasn’t concerned about the best visual.

    15. If you’re looking for nightstands, Ikea makes a white one that I think is only 12 inches wide. it has a charging station in the drawer, it’s very practical.

    18. Is it possible that you’re wrestling over this because you’re trying to find the good solution to the problem? if so, it might be useful to recognize that there isn’t a good solution and what you’re really trying to find is the situation that causes the lesser amount of annoyance.

      For me, that would be 2.

    19. I did and we went with option 1 because there wasn’t a significant footboard. It was really easy for the wall person to get in and out via the foot of the bed. It was a long time ago now though. I don’t know if I would feel the same now that I’m older and less nimble.

    20. Option 2 if two people are using the bed. Option 1 is only reasonable for a single user.

      1. Also get rid of your bed frame and get a really basic one like they sell at mattress stores with no headboard and no footboard. Every inch counts here.

    21. OP here: Thanks for the advice, everyone! It sounds like Option 2 is the way to go. Like many of you suggested, we’re planning to get a bed frame with the smallest footprint possible. Also hoping that with Option 2 our dressers (Ikea’s three-drawer Malm) can do double duty as nightstand + clothing storage.

      1. Is there an option 3? Don’t center it on the longest wall, put it almost at position 1 but with a few inches between the wall and one side of the bed. That way both persons can get into the bed comfortably, but on the spacious side of the bed you can put something else (dresser/chair/desk) even if the overall visual is not symmetric.

        1. Unfortunately, the closet door gets in the way of this option. Thanks for the suggestion, though!

  2. Re-posting a question from yesterday (thanks so much for the replies.) Your favorite shade of Benjamin Moore white paint? House is an 1850’s small farmhouse, and looking for a shade that has some warmth. Have had to repaint a few rooms after the color was off and get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of options! Color scheme for downstairs living area is largely white/birch furniture and gray/blue/off-white soft furniture. So far BM’s ‘White Dove’ and ‘Chantilly Lace’ are the front-runners and other rooms are painted using colors from their Historical Collection.

    1. BM atrium white
      The color of milk with excellent refraction, especially good in low sun rooms
      Refractive properties are a strong consideration in choosing whites

    3. Go to Remodelista, they list all the best BM white shades and explain why designers like them. It will help you narrow it down. Just search their archives. Best resource hands down for neutral paint information. I’ve done simply white (light bright in a cottage), Chantilly lace (lovely in a kitchen on cabinets), Navajo white for rental walls w simply white trim. So much depends on your light.

    6. Friend just painted several rooms in her house (with different light) in Capitol White, which is from the BM Williamsburg collection. It’s a creamy white that looks great with a bright white trim. It’s a beautiful and warm color that works in three different rooms of her house with different light. I think White Dove is a lot grayer than people think. I think Navajo White is a bit too yellow, unless that’s the look you’re going for. Also keep in mind what kind of floors you have and what colors the wall color will pull from the floor. If I may suggest–instead of the peel and paint stickers, get some foam board pieces and paint them. That way you can shift the foam board in different rooms and different corners to really get a feel for the colors and how they work w/ different design elements.

    7. I have not used this yet myself, but for an upcoming renovation plan to use “Ahearn White,” a 50/50 mix of Benjamin Moore China White and Linen White (coined by the architect Patrick Ahearn, who specializes in New England/historical/coastal homes). There are lots of photos of it on his website — I think it is a beautiful warm white.

  3. To the West Coast poster yesterday asking about whether to keep her landline for earthquake preparedness. I’m in Japan and after the 2011 earthquake/tsunami cellphones did not work for hours. Landlines did. After that experience I would never go without a landline in an earthquake zone.

    Realize US phone infrastructure may be different of course.

    1. Not that poster, but I’m also concerned about dealing with getting emergency alerts on my cell phone. I get so many spam calls these days that I have to keep my phone on do not disturb overnight, but I am concerned about missing an alert. My parents (not far from us) had to evacuate due to wildfire last year and it’s a real risk to not get an alert quickly. Has anyone figured out how to handle that on an iPhone?

      1. One thing to do is to put your phone on do not disturb, but make sure your parents numbers and any emergency numbers you know are on the “ring even if its on dnd” mode

        1. I do that for my parents/friends, but I’m not sure which number emergency alerts might come from. Maybe I can ask the county though.

      2. In fire country and get Nixles, so I know what you’re talking about. Generally unless you’re right where a fire starts you know to watch what’s going on and you have advance warning such that an overnight alert isn’t necessary to worry about. If it breaks out right where you are, there’s a lot more noise and commotion so it’s not like the phone is the only way you’ll know. I silence all alerts overnight and don’t have a landline. I’m also just not that into prepping or worry about emergencies. I lived in SF in 89, Sonoma County now, right in the thick of things basically. I know where I’d go, have important documents in one place and backed up to the cloud. I keep gas in the car and figure I’ll figure things out if the worst happens. It doesn’t give me peace to have my daily sleep interrupted by robo calls in the name of emergency awareness.

      3. Depending on your phone, you may be able to change a setting to send all unknown numbers to vm. For iphone, it’s under settings->phone then all the way to the bottom. This is something I recently discovered and it AH-MAZING.

        1. But wouldn’t that send a phone call from an emergency number to voicemail, resulting in you missing it? It sounds great for spam calls, though.

      4. I just searched my settings for do not disturb (I’m on android, but it’s worth a try), and found a menu where I could select contacts and apps that are allowed to override the dnd mode. You could set up nixle or everbridge to get emergency communications from i.e. your county fire dept, and allow it to reach you even in dnd.

      5. Reverse 911 has its own phone number. Figure out what the local one is and program it into your contacts.

      6. Also in fire country. I have successfully added text messages from Nixle to my “favorites” so those cut through the DND at night. Sometimes when we’re under red flag warning I don’t put my phone in DND.

    2. I thought that landlines may work in an earthquake better, but I still have to call my provider (could not get through yesterday) to inquire about the specifics. My building is 15 years old and I’m in Canada, so as people have mentioned, it is very region specific. Thank you for your suggestions. I’ve stubbornly kept the landline due to my fear of earthquakes, and my husband is pushing to get rid of it, but he says it’s entirely up to me:)

      1. Forgot to add that I’m the original poster from yesterday and I’m still on the fence about my landline. I am trying to do more research about the type of landline we have. We pay separately for it and I managed to have the rate reduced for long distance calling. I feel more secure with it, but as posters have mentioned, it depends on our infrastructure and luck as to whether the line may work in an earthquake.

    3. … 911 works whether or not you have a landline (i.e. an old jack powered phone plugged into the wall works always), and texting literally uses the built in pings to the cell towers.

      signed, have lived in earthquake zones my whole life, and haven’t had a landline in a decade.

      1. Except it does not work if you’ve subscribed to VOIP through your cable company and had the phone wiring in your house disconnected from the phone network so you can connect it to your cable modem.

    4. Eh, on 9/11 in NYC land lines didn’t work for a while after either because they were so jammed up. They did work before cell phones but no so much of a difference I’ve wanted one since.

    5. One other thing to think about…

      Not all “landlines” are the same. You want to have an old school jack plug in from a local phone company for a copper line and a regular corded phone, not cordless. The copper lines will work even if power goes out. Whereas a cable based phone line requires power. Just an FYI. (no to cordless phones for the same reason – those phone bases require power)

  4. I’m shopping for a wide-brimmed hat that I can wear during my mid-day walks and during a few day hikes I have planned later this summer. I’m looking for good sun protection so I don’t have to put on extra sunscreen in the middle of the work day. During the week, I usually wear yoga pants/bike shorts and an oversized cotton tank top. What kind of sun hat would look okay with my very casual attire? A straw hat seems dressier than the rest of the outfit (if you can even call it an outfit.) Thanks for any suggestions!

    2. There are baseball caps with ear/neck gaiters. Or a cloth hat with a brim – we have a few from LL Bean and a few from Outdoor Research. They’ll skew more rugged outdoorsy than yoga pants and tank tops, though.

    5. I love my Solbari Holiday Sun Hat. It’s made in Australia so it took awhile to get here, but I love it and wear it all the time. The Solbari Resort Sun Hat looks cute also and comes in more colors.

    2. Freeze with a can of compressed air and then clean off using something with oil in it. Then clean the oil off with Dawn.

  6. I’m looking at moving to Greenwich due to DH’s new job but I will commute into Manhattan 1-2 days/week. Anyone do this? Do you have recommendations on where in Greenwich to live? We have two elementary school kids. I’ve got anxiety about climate change induced flooding, but maybe I’m just extra anxious about climate change. I’m currently outside of NYC area, although I’m familiar with Manhattan living. We are planning to go visit and look at houses/neighborhoods in early August. Yes, I know inventory is low then and buying a house right now is not fun, but job change will happen sooner rather than later.

    1. Riverside/Old Greenwich/the east side of the town feeds into the better middle school. Also if you are taking train, I would prioritize houses near the train station.

    2. I commuted from Darien for 10 years, 4-5x/week. Greenwich 1-2 days/week is very do-able. I’m not sure about your flooding concerns- are you wondering if there are certain areas of Greenwich to avoid because they are lower lying/at more risk for floods?

      What’s your ballpark budget? Responses to your questions on location may vary greatly depending on what you are looking to spend.

      Will your kids be going to public school or private? If private, boarding or day?

      1. Public school, $2.5M or thereabouts, yes- whether there are certain areas to avoid due to flood risk. I’m not used to being so close to the water.

        1. Greenwich is fairly large. I went to a private school on the side of Greenwich away from the waterfront (north of the Hutch). Maybe look out there? You also get larger plots of land out there, and it was about a 15 min drive to Greenwich Ave (the main street in downtown). If you look at this map, I’d say look in the green and orange zones to be away from the water. https://www.edwardmortimer.com/community-highlights/neighborhoods-of-greenwich/neighborhoods-overview/
          Commuting to NYC 1-2 days a week shouldn’t be bad. Until last year, a large proportion of the town commuted daily. Look into how to get a parking pass for the lot by the train (there’s 4 train stations in Greenwich–Greenwich (main one), Cos Cob, Riverside, and Old Greenwich. Also consider Stamford (next town along the coast), as there is an express train to Manhattan from there so you wont have to sit through all the local stops.

          1. Yes, even if you live in Greenwich consider taking the train from Stamford if you are on the east side. Much better. Getting a parking pass will be a little trickier.

        2. Your realtor can talk to you more specifically about flood zones. They are the low lying areas down by the beach, generally.

          With your general budget, you’ll want to decide how close to the train you want/need to be. You’ll get more house and land for your $$ if you go up toward north greenwich, but you’ll also have a longer commute. Do you want the extra bedroom/oversized garage on 2 acres, or 4BR/2.5BA but 5 min to the train?

          1. +1. With your budget, you will definitely get a bigger house and yard if you look toward back country Greenwich, but the commute to the train station is longer. It is also further to “town”, so restaurants, shops, etc. are all a bit of a drive. Not sure where you are coming from / used to, so maybe this is not an issue.

            FWIW, my favorite parts of Greenwich are the areas closer to the water (Belle Haven, Riverside, Old Greenwich).

  7. $3500 for a 3 month nutritionist program! Crazy, right? I have been battling obese BMI and lack motivation to actually follow through on all the knowledge I have. Will this help/give me the kick in b*tt I need or just be a waste of money? How would you decide in my place?

    1. Personally, I wouldn’t. I’d instead look into medical assisted weight loss programs with a Dr, who may be able to give you prescription only tools to help control your weight. That or a personal trainer by the hour who can help you stay accountable.

    2. That’s REALLLY expensive. Will there be RMR testing and stuff like @elainafird talks about on TikTok? If you’ve been on extreme diets (Biggest Loser, Optifast) or yoyo diets and need to heal a tanked metabolism then MAYBE.

      But my guess is NO. I currently pay $150/mo for nutritional coaching through Macros Inc and that’s been OK. You can even get private coaching from Corinne Crabtree for $1400 (maybe for several months).

      Oh and if they tell you they’ll be putting you on 800-1200 calories a day then RUN

    3. What do you get for the $3500? Can you quit after 30 days and get your money back or is it a sunk cost? Have you talked to a range of people who have tried it to understand what it entails? Ultimately, what are you trying to do here — do you need help meal planning? Because there are lots of coaches that are far less expensive. Motivation? Therapy is cheaper.

    4. ‘Nutritionist’ can be a flexible term – some people use that title with just a course from the internet.

      For that much, I would certainly be looking for a Registered Dietician (RD). They have way more training and educational requirements and might be covered by your insurance.

      1. This. Definitely don’t spend that money on a ‘ nutritionist’. It MIGHT be an appropriate amount re an RD depending on what is involved re meal planning, grocery shopping assistance, number of appointments per week etc.

        You need an RD who will help you develop an eating plan that you can maintain for the rest of your life. Weight loss only happens long term with sustainable challenges. Quick loss almost always results in a rebound. If you’re not ready to accept permanently changing the way you eat, it’s not worth the money. Wait until you are ready. And I say this as someone who has struggled to accept that I can eat about 1/3 of what I did in my 20s in order to maintain a similar healthy weight. I wish my 20 year old self appreciated what she had!

    5. I suggest finding a medical weight loss center with a doc who uses medications to assist weight loss. Saxenda and Ozembique are two injectables that get great results by reducing appetite and cravings. there are other drugs as well. I would not spend this kind of money on a nutritionist–and you probably already know what to eat. You need help with appetite and cravings.

      1. I have to tell you these are basically miracle drugs. In Canada, Ozempic (which is I think Wegovy) in the USA, is about $250 per month. I don’t think at $3500/3 months a nutritionist is going to be worth the money. Diets don’t work for lots of reasons as we all know. At some point you can’t fight your metabolism and so it’s worth trying to change it, in my humble opinion. I wasn’t super heavy – but could NOT for the life of me get rid of the 30 pounds I gained between 50-55 years of age, and I was really unhappy about it. Running every day, weights, dieting, nothing touched it. Ozempic was truly life-changing. My family physician prescribed it for me and like SA below, I have never looked back.

    6. That seems like an insane amount of money to me. I just can’t imagine what you would be getting to justify that price

      1. Did you mean $350 a month? It literally $3500? That’s significantly more than my mortgage.

    7. What does the program include and what are the results of past participants? What happens at the end of three months? Is there ongoing support?

      I have spent way more than 3,500 on clothes in multiple sizes to dress my body, so may be a deal.

    8. That’s about 25% of the cost of private pay weight loss surgery, which is what I did and never looked back.

  8. Do Chanel boots run TTS or small? I’m looking at a couple pairs of secondhand leather booties and can’t decide what size to try (thankfully, it’s returnable).

    1. I’d buy and return – whether or not they are TTS today means nothing for pairs that have been worn and possibly stretched out by the prior owner.

  9. I am realizing that my lack of confidence and insecurity is a problem and I notice it really affects my relationship with my significant other. I want to work on this so that I feel complete and I don’t need my very understanding partner to constantly reassure me. Is there anything you have done to help your confidence? I am going to work on my self-talk but I would love other suggestions.

    2. I know we do this all the time, but what helped me was working through this with a therapist. I needed an objective third party to help me battle this. I was not able to do it alone.

      That said, now I probably have too much confidence hahaha I think I am a bada$$ and am my own biggest hype woman, so take that into account!! haha

        1. Thanks! I am sure it annoys some people, but I DGAF. I am not obnoxious about it, but I definitely know my worth now.

          1. Honestly, good for you!

            My friend was telling me about issues with her teen daughter and I asked if they stemmed from insecurity, based on my experience with my own teen daughter.

            My friend said “no! She thinks she is the greatest human being ever to walk the earth!” And, having been on the other side of it, I was kind of like, props to you, kid.

      2. I worked in an industry that has a reputation of being filled with guys who think they’re gods-gift-to-the-job and like they’re the best etc. That showed me that I was as good or better than the guys who thought this, and that some of the “bravado” that they public knew about was just covering up their (very justified in this role) anxieties. So if they think they’re a badass and are their own biggest hype people – I figured I should too. That job actually gave me a lot of confidence.

    3. Do you understand exactly HOW to work on your self-talk? And have you discerned whether there are systemic, underlying reasons for this insecurity (e.g., grew up with someone who constantly cut you down or was emotionally damaging)? If you’re already in a good place regarding all this, you may be able to tackle this solely on your own. However, I’d recommend a good, practical therapist. It often takes someone outside of us to help us become aware of our patterns and learn how to change them. And you certainly don’t want to put your partner in the role of having to do this for you or becoming your quasi-therapist.

      1. I came here to say something similar, but Anonymous said it better. I had a lot of problems with self-confidence growing up and into my 20s; a lot of the reason is the subtle but pervasive ways in which people who were supposed to love me constantly cut me down.

        My husband helps by showing me daily what normal and loyal actually looks like, which has done a lot. He can’t be my therapist; he can only show by action what I am worth as a person.

    5. Think about the things you are confident and secure about. Why do you feel confident about those things? What do you tell yourself? When someone else tries to bring you down, how do you respond? Then build on that with the things that you’re not confident or secure about. “How would I talk to myself about this if it were my [confident trait] in question rather than my [thing I’m not confident about]?”

    6. Therapy. I had this problem for a while and it was just devastating for my mental health. My anxiety produced by my insecurity took a lot of joy out of being in relationships. I also didn’t really understand why I was insecure– I objectively understood that I was a “good catch,” and that there was no “reason” that my partner wouldn’t want me. And yet I was constantly afraid that I wasn’t “enough” in some way and was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to decide he didn’t really need to be with *me.* Therapy helped me realize that I didn’t struggle with self confidence, but I struggled with self-worth. In my house, you were “worth” basic belonging, affection, recognition, compassion, and approval was based on how “good” you were — was I making top grades, how talented I was at various things, how smart I was, how well behaved I was, whether I liked the “right” things, how attractive I was. Yikes. So as long as I was meeting these standards, I was safe. But it is exhausting and impossible to meet these “standards” all the time. It’s also incredibly painful to perceive rejection as a referendum on your worth as a human instead of something like, “you’re just not the right fit,” or “he is moving 3,000 miles away.” So that just makes you cling harder and fear rejection more. Here I was in relationships feeling like I was only worthy of love when I was checking all these boxes. That’s not a healthy place from which to receive love. The validation you do get will always feel temporary. I don’t know that I ever would have figured this out by myself, but my therapist nailed it after my first session where I was sobbing about a failed relationship where I was dumped suddenly and without explanation except “not enough of a connection” and a new “dream job” where I was killing myself over performing.

      So, I strongly recommend therapy. Brene Brown’s books were also really helpful for me. I’d start with “Daring Greatly.”

      1. That was my childhood, too. I wish I could have articulated it that well (and will be referring back to this).

      2. I’m the OP and this is my issue exactly. This and the other responses are the push I needed to sign up for Therapy.

  10. Has anyone found a good sandal lately along the lines of Tevas but cute? Something that can be worn on a rocky beach, in water, out to a casual meal, for walking around?

    1. Not sandals, but I recently purchased a pair of Natives for working in the garden and I LOVE them. They actually have arch support and are really comfortable!! I wear them almost as much as my Birks now.

      1. To add, I have worn them at the beach, in creeks, etc., and they are great because they drain but do provide some grip.

    3. I love keen sandals for the toe guard and grip when hiking as well as overall arch support. I have worn with dresses and feel fine about it.

        1. Gawd, I love the rainbow Tevas. I have resisted buying them but my 90s heart WANTS them.

        2. I need shoes like this and just went to Zappos to look at Keen sandals – the Keen Whisper comes in a pretty great rainbow style.

    6. Yes, both of my girls bought the Teva Verra sandals this summer and they are cute and comfortable and provide better arch support than the original Tevas. The Teva Tirra sport ones look cute also. There’s also some cute sketchers brand sandals, including the Skechers womens On-the-go 600 – Brilliancy Sport Sandal, but my daughters like the Verra ones better because the front is adjustable and they have very narrow feet.

    7. I like my Merrell Siren sandal. Comes in a variety of colors. I wear them kayaking, sailing, out to dinner, walking around, shopping and (someday again I hope) travelling.

  11. Greece OP from last week — now that we are proceeding with booking hotels, we are eyeing travel insurance (in case of either travel restrictions being re-imposed prior to September, or a surprise positive test on arrival (if we are randomly selected for it)). Has anyone found good travel insurance that covers these situations?

    We are being careful about cancellation and re-booking policies as we evaluate our choices and definitely choosing properties that a minimum offer a yearlong voucher to change our plans, but it would obviously be nicest if we could get our cold hard cash back.

    1. This is a good plan. Greece is less that 50% on first dose, just had massive anti-vax protests, and only now is starting to vax 15-18 year olds so they are primed for a major outbreak of Delta variant. If you’re fully vax’d then you are very unlikely to get sick but it’s pretty likely that you could find places you want to visit are closed.

        1. It’s not needless gloom and doom – it’s realistic. Greece is a hot mess right now. Thousands of people were protesting in the streets today and they have just started with vaccinations for teenagers. Many parts of Europe are doing great and we’re currently planning our own European trip for September but we ruled out Greece because they are not managing it well compared to neighboring countries with better vax rates and healthcare systems.

      2. Yes we are fully vaxxed so not worried about Covid except to the extent it will prevent us from traveling.

    2. We recently bought travel insurance for a European trip in September, and I found this comparison site to be the most useful: aardy dot com (I got to it from a link from the AARP, but it’s not specific to old people!) One tip: buy as soon as possible after committing money to your trip, as some policies limit the coverage if there’s a gap between buying the trip and buying the insurance. We screwed up this part, but found a policy that didn’t have this constraint.

    3. Keep in mind the kind of insurance available depends a bit on your home state. In NY, cancel for any reason insurance is not available due to state laws (I think).

      1. We’re in PA.

        Leaning towards not getting it after clicking around, because the exclusions (like if the hotel gives you a voucher because of newly imposed Covid restrictions, it doesn’t count as a nonrefundable reimbursable CFAR expense) make it pretty much useless.

        But, if anyone has had a positive experience, I’m all ears. We haven’t booked anything that’s nonrefundable yet.

    4. I have recently worked on this issue in a professional capacity. I can’t recommend a specific insurer but make sure you read every word in the policy. They’re not necessarily all the same. The fine print is where they get you – be really clear about exclusions.

    5. Adding–now that Covid is a known risk (it’s no longer a possible random act of God pandemic–it’s happening), it is unlikely that many insurance policies will pay due to Covid lockdown restrictions, so I second the advice to pony up big for a “cancel for any possible reason whatsoever policy”, or know that you may not be covered in the event of Covid. Really do suggest you read all fine print.

      1. OP here – yes, we realize it would need to be a CFAR policy, it’s just that we’re learning even CFAR only covers certain non-refundable things… which would not include airline credits or hotel vouchers since technically we didn’t lose the money… aka probably 70% of the cost of the trip. I doubt CFAR would even pay for itself so we have decided not to bother and know we could rebook for summer 2022 with our credits.

  12. So, I was vaccinated in April/May (Moderna) and recently caught what I think was the Delta variant of Covid. The other odd thing was that the second day of symptoms, I got a Covid test which was positive. Then, on the 7th day of symptoms I got another test and it said I was negative. I am very upset that a) I caught Covid after vaccination (although I do realize that is possible, and I did not have Covid prior to this), and b) that I had a positive then negative test, so I don’t really know what to think about this, and c) I am so angry at the negligence of the person I caught this from (who was unvaccinated).

    1. That’s a lot of rage for what could easily just have been a false positive. I hope you’re feeling better now.

    2. How were your symptoms? How long did they last? You second test was negative because you no longer had detectable virus (probably be vaccine worked?).

      Totally with you on being angry with the unvaccinated person who gave you the virus. Hope you’re feeling better.

      1. My symptoms were headache, sore throat, runny nose, chest congestion, cough and now lingering cough 4 weeks later. I am definitely feeling better now, though. I felt like a really bad cold or sinus infection.

    3. So….this is how vaccines work. They’re not 100% effective at preventing infection, and no one has ever said so. It is completely normal that some people who get the vaccine will get the virus, but your symptoms will be far less severe than if you hadn’t had the vaccine. In fact, most of us are probably going to eventually get the virus as the effects of the vaccines wear off and more variants arise that are better at evading them. We’ll just have mild cases and think we caught a regular cold, because that’s what it will be like for most people. This is completely normal. You are unlucky, but it is completely normal.

      This is also how testing works. You test positive when the virus is active in your body and you are “shedding” it (I hate that term but that’s what it’s called when the virus is still multiplying in you to the point that the test can pick it up). It makes sense that you would be shedding the virus on your second day of symptoms, because your immune system is still working on fighting it off. By day 7 of symptoms, your immune system has fought it off enough (thanks to the vaccine!) that you are no longer shedding virus, thus producing a negative test. All of this is completely normal and expected. If you still tested positive on day 7, your body would be struggling to fight it off.

      But yes, you should be upset at the negligence of the unvaccinated person who gave it to you. Just don’t be upset that the vaccine is working as expected and your body is fighting off the virus as expected.

      2. The people I know who’ve caught Delta despite being vaxxed (and I know several) had way more than a cold. Yes, the vaccine may have prevented them from being hospitalized (although most 30-somethings aren’t hospitalized to begin with, so it’s hard to pinpoint cause and effect) but most of them were knocked out for a week or more with high fevers, terrible body aches, extreme fatigue and a couple still have after effects several weeks later. I get that the vaccines are preventing a lot of death, but it’s disingenuous to act like vaxxed people who get Delta just have the sniffles.

        1. Well to add more anecdata, I also know several people with breakthrough infections who have had either sniffles or zero symptoms.

          1. Yeah this is true in my circle as well. I only know a couple. One tested positive as part of travel testing and didn’t know they were sick, no symptoms. The other lost taste and smell so got tested, but symptom wise just thought it was allergies until then.

          2. Were they Delta infections? I’ve heard from a lot of doctors the variant is making even vaccinated people a lot sicker.

          4. I’m 12:55. Yes, delta. Delta is more contagious, not necessarily worse in terms of degree of sickness.

          5. I know two people with breakthrough infections, confirmed by testing, and for both it was like a moderate cold that lasted 2-3 days, with another week or so of lingering symptoms. Both people were high risk and had been vaccinated for several months.

        3. Good to know. I actually haven’t seen any reporting that the Delta variant makes people so sick, just that it is far more contagious than the other strains and that it is slightly better at evading the vaccines. But the people you know who got it post-vaxx could also just be unlucky, or had poor protection from the vaccine for whatever reason.

      3. +1 – I had the chickenpox vaccine, which everyone always thinks of as 100% effective, but turns out its only 95% effective against moderate disease, and still managed to get chickenpox as a teen. Allegedly it was a mild case (felt very itchy to me so I’m biased!), and the vaccine kept it that way. Vaccines are never perfect, but they help a lot.

        1. My kids also had the chickenpox vaccine and got a mild case anyway. I honestly thought they were reacting to detergent because they got small breakouts but it was definitely the pox.

          It was MUCH better than my own chicken pox case as a kid which left me with lifelong scars everywhere including my face. So thank goddess for vaccines.

        2. I got the chickenpox vaccine after exposure to chicken pox because I was high risk (the vaccine was still EUA then and not given routinely). Since I got it after exposure it didn’t fully protect me, but I had the mildest case of chickenpox ever! And then I got shingles as an adult but that was also ridiculously mild (I only went to the doctor because I had a rash that didn’t go away – it wasn’t itchy or painful) and the doctor said the shingles was so mild because of the protection of the vaccine. Vaccines are amazing!

        3. Same for me with hepatitis A in a foreign country. Vaccinated and still got it.

        4. I’m so jealous of y’all that got the chicken pox vaccine. Getting the chicken pox as a child was so awful – I had a particularly bad case and actually had to be hospitalized for a day.

      5. I wouldn’t be angry at the person who “gave it to you”. The vaccine is to prevent severe illness and death and also overwhelming the hospital system. A vaccinated person who is pre-symptomatic could also probably have given it to you. With most of the world unvaccinated, constant travel, and limited testing capability, we will see more of this…especially come fall with the onset of cold and flu season and when the initial vaccines have worn off more.

        Again, we really need to get out of this mentality that getting sick is “other people’s fault”. You got the vax, and you are protected. If you have that and have kept your body healthy thus far (no eating crap, no extra weight, daily movement, no excess drinking, no smoking)…most people should be fine.

        1. You’re very unlikely to get it from a vaccinated person because they don’t shed much virus. You are much much much more likely to get it from an unvaccinated person.

          And it is perfectly ok to be mad at US adults who choose not to get vaccinated right now.

          1. Preach. They are killing people. Mostly unvaccinated people, but still. Adults in the US who are unvaccinated without a legitimate medical reason have blood on their hands and can’t be judged harshly enough, imo.

          2. That was when they were hardly symptomatic and asymptomatic, right? Now, we’re seeing people actually getting SICK (as seen above). Due to variants popping up in other parts of the world (and we expect the vax is going to lose effectiveness in time, anyway). I thought having symptoms to the point you are SICK means you are contagious.

            Kind of like they say kids aren’t good spreaders because they tend not to get many symptoms.

          3. So it follows that if you are getting SICK after being vaccinated, and if it is true you shed more virus and are contagious, then you are extra contagious when you are pre-symptomatic…even if vaccinated. As you are extra contagious when you are pre-symptomatic when not vaccinated? You’d think?

        2. So let me get this straight: If someone doesn’t get a very safe, free of charge, easy to obtain in any pharmacy vaccine, I cannot judge the choice they made. But if I am overweight or have a condition that increases my risk, you will be there to tell me that I haven’t kept my body healthy?

          1. If you are vaxxed, even if unhealthy, you have a miniscule chance of dying. A healthy person isn’t responsible to protect you from bad choices you have made in your adult life. Sure, there are some who are ultra vulnerable and have done all of they can, but they are always vulnerable, always been vulnerable…and society didn’t find that the many needed to sacrifice so much for the few.

          2. Also, I see this pandemic as never-ending if we cannot accept having SOME symptoms with all of the variants inevitably popping up from the mostly unvaccinated world and the waning efficacy of the vaccines just from time passing. We’ve never lived this way.

          3. Anon at 1:51, you could have really simplified your responses and just written “I am a selfish person who does not give one single F about others and I am tired of being inconvenienced by the pandemic.” See? So much more concise.

          4. Anon 2:21, you are being hyper-political, completely irrational…and are fear mongering. I hope you get the help you need.

            And please, seek out the data and follow it. Find someone reliable (a prog critical thinker) to help you interpret.

          5. If you are vaxxed, and you contract the virus at some point (I’m sure there will be many variants occurring worldwide by traditional cold and flu season), please do not imagine that a Trump-loving, POC hating, LGBTQ hindering, white supremacist neo-N tried to kill you. That’s where people are right now, and they need to re-examine their thought processes.

          6. Anon at 3:31 pm: thanks for outing yourself. Always good to know where opinions are coming from, so I know which ones to completely disregard.

    4. The tests are good, but not perfect. Did you have a PCR or rapid antigen test? False positives are an issue with both, but a much larger issue with the RADT. With a low prevalence and asymptomatic testing, the majority of positives are false positives. And like everything in medicine no test or therapeutic is perfect. It sounds like you either are one of the few who contracted COVID despite vaccination or had a false positive test.

    5. I get c, but a and b sound like a waste of energy. I am glad you recovered quickly and appear to be virus-free now!

    6. Assuming you’ve recovered, I think you should be angry at the person who gave it to you, sure- but it sounds like your vaccine worked in that you were not seriously ill and recovered quickly.

    7. Testing positive then testing negative a week later is normal. Your bod cleared the active virus. You can still have lingering symptoms as your body heals, but are extremely unlikely to spread to others when you’re testing negative.
      What were your symptoms? Sorry you got sick and hope you are feeling better. But it is somewhat reassuring to me to know that most people getting sick are still being infected by an unvaccinated person (I’m vaxxed but worried about infecting my unvaxxed kids if I catch a mild version).

    8. You got a positive test then days subsequent got a negative test…why does that make you angry? That’s how it’s supposed to work – you got a mild case and your body cleared the virus quickly. It’s understandable to be mad you got it but be happy the vaccine worked in grossly lessening the symptoms!

    9. Covid Story – you might want to check your viral antibodies (not vaccine antibodies) which will give you some certainty as to whether or not you were really positive and had a true infection. Wait two weeks after recovery.

      2. What is the difference between “viral antibodies” and “vaccine antibodies”? The vaccine creates antibodies against the virus. My understanding was that anyone who has either survived Covid or been vaccinated would typically be positive on an antibody test. In the UK, they’ve announced that 90% of the population has antibodies (through vaccines and/or natural infection).

        1. Replying late, but I had LabCorp Covid antibodies tests done as part of a clinical trial. There are some tests that don’t differentiate between antibodies from having had the virus versus those from the vaccine.

          The first test I had was to see if I’ve ever had covid – they denoted the test as “SARS-CoV-2 Ab, Nucleocapsid”.

          The second was to see if I developed spike protein antibodies from the vaccines. It was listed as “SARS-CoV-2 Semi-Quant Total Ab”. https://www.labcorp.com/coronavirus-disease-covid-19/providers/antibody-test

  13. Chrissy Teigen resurfaced yesterday on instagram. I feel very annoyed by her post for some reason that I cannot put my finger on.

    2. It’s difficult to respond when a) you don’t say what about her post was annoying, and b) it’s not as though Chrissy Teigen forces you to follow her on IG.

      1. This is especially true since it appears CT deleted whatever she posted yesterday.

      1. This is a very gendered complaint and maybe you should think about why it annoys you so when a woman seeks attention / shares her life.

        2. LOL no. It’s specifically her. She bullies the mentally ill and then cries victim. Her v4gina has nothing to do with it.

          2. Exactly. She is such a bully of children and has not sufficiently apologized – she needs to reach out directly and privately to each person she bullied.

    4. She annoys me to no end. Even before the whole social media fiasco, I always wondered why she was famous and why people thought she was hilarious and/or someone to listen to.

        1. Believe me, I don’t. But this chick is seemingly everywhere and is retweeted/shared on every platform. Pretty hard to ignore her even if you don’t follow her.

          1. Really? I literally don’t think that I have ever seen a post of hers shared except for by people who are commenting about her posts in a meta way– like OPs–or using her as an example of how to talk about miscarriages (or something like that).

          2. I don’t find that to be true at all. Elon Musk annoys me and I have no trouble not seeing his crap ever, and I’m on all major social media platforms.

          3. I don’t follow her either but she pops up everywhere lol! I don’t understand the interest in her.

          4. My Twitter experience improved dramatically when I started muting people and topics.

      2. No, I think it’s okay to be annoyed that a person who did some truly reprehensible things has resurfaced on social media as though nothing happened and she did nothing wrong. I followed her, and found her funny and authentic before the internet bullying evidence emerged, but I won’t follow her now or support any of her business endeavors. You can’t complain about how mean people are to you when you, yourself, bullied other people and said unforgivable things, while holding yourself up as some kind of supermom role model. The hypocrisy of her entire schtick is pretty appalling. If a friend of mine had done what she did to the people she bullied on social media, I would stop being friends with that person.

        1. Concur. It’s not misogynistic to not like a person who told a 16 year old girl, who was likely the victim of grooming, that she should die.

          1. I was a Chrissy fan but haven’t been on SM for awhile and missed this whole controversy.

          2. It was appalling. There’s a line between telling people they’re wrong about something and telling people they should die or that they should kill themselves. You can look up for yourself the screenshots that were shared by people she targeted; the language is beyond the pale. If she’d made some of those comments here, Kat would have removed them. I can’t imagine anyone continuing to stan her or even support her after they read what she wrote to people.

          3. Congrats on being perfect! Thankfully this lesser human is capable of forgiveness. I’m also tickled by the hypocrisy of trashing CT when some of y’all come on here every day just to get your cyberbullying fix.

          4. People here can be mean, but I don’t recall anyone ever telling someone they should kill themselves. It certainly doesn’t happen regularly, so to act like Chrissy’s cyberbulling was no different than what happens here is absurd. She told a teenager to kill themselves. That’s reprehensible, and I’m ok labeling her a terrible person. I am not perfect and have never claimed to be, but there are degrees of wrong and I would venture the vast majority of people have never done something that awful.

          5. Funny, I was thinking to myself that the Teigen fans here are probably the ones who love what she did because they do similar things to people, here and elsewhere on the Internet, every day. I’m sure there are people here who absolutely see her as some kind of role model and don’t want to see her held accountable for her actions because the same thing might happen to them.

        2. That’s a perfectly valid reason to have a problem with her. But do you see how that’s different from OP’s “can’t put my finger on it”?

          2. Ok then. Good luck out there. Don’t forget to look both ways before you cross the street.

    6. I’m indifferent to Chrissy but I can understand being annoyed by random celebrities with large followings. Luckily most apps are pretty customizable so I just adjust my feed preferences. For example, there is a famous family with a “K” last name(“J” last name for the younger ones) that annoys me to no end. I’ve blocked them and muted their names on every platform and rarely see any news about any of them

    7. I don’t understand why she won’t just disappear for good. She doesn’t bring any value.

  14. Yet another poster who is planning on leaving her job – but my situation is slightly different in that I have only been at my current job for six months and everyone is perfectly nice, I just don’t see myself wanting to stay at a firm long term (small firm). I’m in the final stages for an in house management role and will be over the moon if I get it, but am dreading having to give notice at my current shop. Any tips to avoid burning bridges when you leave a job this quickly?

    1. It’s helpful that you are leaving firm life and going in-house. People get it.

      I left a job after 6 months and I was very open and honest with them about the situation. It was a huge raise and promotion for me and while they weren’t over the moon, they understood. It happens!

    2. I think we worry about burning bridges more than employers actually feel a bridge has been burned. Even the shop I left in less than a year because the people were awful and the pay wasn’t fair — stated reasons for my departure since they already knew they are awful — sends me work today. And I went from firm to firm. The only bridge I actually burned was at the firm I left with an email sent on my way out the door with a major client. If you are going in-house because you don’t want to work at a firm, the firm will be happy to have a connection in-house and a spot for someone who wants to be there. Do what you want to do.

  15. I met a kind, generous man a few months ago. What started as a friendship has blossomed into something more. But there are two concerns I have about our longterm viability:
    1. he has a special needs brother. I am not against taking care of him, but I don’t know how to ask about what things will look like after his parents pass without sounding insensitive. What other questions should I be asking? It feels wrong to say I can handle the commitment and then later back out if I discover I can’t. I’d rather know upfront so that if it’s too much for me, I don’t waste his time.
    2. He didn’t go to college, I have a a doctorate. That in and of itself doesn’t bother me, but I know it will bother my family (immigrant parents who sacrificed significantly with the goal of making sure their children got an education. It will be hard for them comprehend how someone with two college educated parents did not manage to make it happen.) My concern is around financial stability. I currently earn 2-3x what he does, but that’s more because he earns so little and less because I earn so much. I don’t need a wealthy partner, but I assumed if I had a family, it’d be a two reasonable income household. I want to shift out of the private sector eventually and I don’t know see how we could afford that if I’m primary breadwinner. Maybe I’m borrowing tomorrow’s problems, but there are some biological clock type concerns here too and I don’t want to spend time getting invested in him, only to experience more heartbreak and start over closer to 35.

    Any advice on what things I should be thinking about and asking him? Personality wise, he’s great. But personality doesn’t pay the mortgage, and I grew up poor, so stability matters.

    1. How is he actually doing financially though. Can he pay his bills? Does he save? Does he live someplace decent?

    2. This does not sound like the right partner for you. That doesn’t mean you are a bad person or whatever, but for example, none of this would bother me and I would not have reservations (lid for every pot!). Everyone is allowed to decide what their dealbreakers are and it doesn’t sound like this is the right guy for you.

      1. +1 to this. These sound like things that could cause real issues in a relationship. If you’re worried about them now, a few months in, (vs being so infatuated that these feel totally workable to you), this probably isn’t the right relationship for you.

    3. I’m sorry to say, but this may be a case where you get along great on a day-to-day basis, but won’t be compatible long term, and you’ll need to stop seeing him. No matter what the current plans are for his brother (who I assume is relatively young if you’re both in your 30s) those plans may change. One of his parents may need long term/expensive care and not leave the money behind they thought they could, etc. etc., – anything could happen that might leave him feeling responsible for his brother’s care.

      If you aren’t comfortable being the primary breadwinner, and there’s not potential for his income to grow over time, that’s also a valid reason to curtail the relationship.

      Thinking about these things is not “borrowing tomorrow’s problems”. It’s nice to say “love conquers all”, but if there are issues that will loom large in the future you can’t just ignore them now.

      1. Agreed. I have a close friend who ended a relationship with a man with a disabled brother for similar reasons and she has no regrets. “Love conquers all” is BS. You need to choose someone you love and are compatible with, and it sounds like you and this man are not compatible long term.

    4. Is there any reason that you cannot have a happy, stable, and fulfilling life with a great man wherein you earn the money that keeps a roof over your heads and he goes part time or is a stay at home dad?

      If stability and wealth matter, why would you want to leave the private sector?

      Why do your parents’ opinions of your marriage matter? If you want a happy marriage, you need to understand that you are forming a new family and that new family is the one that matters.

    5. My DH also has no college degree; I have a JD I use in my job. Money has never been an issue for us (on the contrary, he out-earns me).

      Some thinks I’d want to know: Has he worked steadily since adulthood? Is he a curious person; does he like to learn? (He may be an autodidact — my DH has stock-trading books that are inscrutable to me.) If you can meet his coworkers, in what regard do they seem to hold him? Do they think he’s a problem solver, hard worker, valuable team member? Does he care about earning a good living, or does he earn enough to get by?

      I think these things will point to his ability to bring in the sort of income you’d need for a family, more than the degree itself.

      1. 11:40 has great questions to ask!! I’d also ask what his savings look like — if he makes very little does he have debt, or does he have a small emergency fund? My husband made 1/5th what I did when we met but I was impressed he had a small savings account (about $20K, while I had $500K) — it mattered more that he COULD save.

        W/r/t brother I think the big question is guardianship — do the parents currently have guardianship or something set up allowing for supported decision making (I forget the name but there was just a story about it in WaPo this morning, in part b/c of FreeBritney.) Some parents with special needs kids do not get them diagnoses or go through formal guardianship, which means their caretakers can’t make them take meds or other. Depending on diagnosis that may matter.

    6. It sounds like you are at a point where it’s reasonable to talk to him about some of these things. (Spouse and I had a conversation perhaps 2 months in where we agreed that the point of dating for us was to figure out whether we wanted to get married. It was a little scary but it opened the door to more serious conversations about marriage because it turned out neither of us wanted to spend time dating if marriage was not going to happen.)

      I can only speak to the (relative) earnings thing. I don’t think the earnings ratio is a big deal per se but you are smart to think about total income. Are you making 150k vs his 50-75k? Are you making 60k to his 20-30k? How much do you need a year to hit your goals? If you make enough to carry a family (whatever that means to you) then you can decide that you are willing to trade off total HHI for a partner who brings other desirable qualities to the relationship.

      I make about 2.5x my spouse’s income and it’s not a relationship issue. Our HHI fluctuates (I am an academic with variable summer pay and he is a solo attorney) but we are comfortable and secure. I admit there is part of me that likes being the higher earner because I feel like everyone depends on me. (Of course if he at some point earns more than I do he will likely earn a LOT more.)

    7. I have a special needs BIL, and it is hell on earth. ILs did no estate planning, BIL has no income but was never tested or diagnosed (has autism), nursing home is currently suing us to take the house and leave BIL homeless. BIL also has legal problems, which are too complicated to get into.

      Ask for details regarding estate planning, what the brother’s current care set-up is, and how it will be maintained if the parents become incapacitated. NOT after they die, but if they are still alive and are considered incompetent, meaning they’re using money and resources but can’t make decisions.

      Brutally honest: after living this for 20 years, I would not do it again. With a time machine, I’d turn down the first date. The stress of this life has aged me horribly and ruined my health. Your guy can’t pull his weight regarding bringing in income, and also has the albatross of a sibling who sucks up money? Nope. Run.

      1. He pulls his weight. She says she just makes a very large amount not that he makes very little. If he makes $100k and she makes $300k he is doing just fine for himself.

        2. No she didn’t. Read it again. He makes very little.

          You’re responding to someone who has been through the exact issue. Don’t get judgy about her lived experience that is lh theoretical to you.

        3. I completely read it backwards. My apologies!

          Also, I wasn’t commenting on the lived part re: special needs relative. I was referring to the income part, and was wrong!

      2. I’m sorry to hear you are in that terrible situation. Can the autistic adult brother get diagnosed now and deemed disabled / a dependent? That could really help!

          1. There’s no need to be this rude. If you’re having a bad day, take a walk. Don’t take your emotions out on others, you’re not a two-year-old.

          2. Maybe for lawyers and very clued-in people, this would be obvious, but you would be shocked at how many people do not understand that you can get assistance for disabled family members, even if you make a reasonable salary.

          4. Just had to LOL at the idea of a grown woman coming back to this thread hours later to post the equivalent of “no, YOU shut up” to a completely anonymous stranger on the Internet. Your parents must be so proud of you. I’m sure you’re tremendously successful in life.

      3. Though it feels harsh, I totally agree with this. Why knowingly sign up for a life that has a very good chance of becoming miserable on a day to day basis, and the fact that the guy is a good guy, or even the greatest guy ever, won’t alleviate the problems? I’d run like hell, before I got too attached.

      5. I posted separately but after reading this, I think you definitely need to understand the brother’s financial situation. Maybe there is something already in place. If not and there are no plans, this does seem like something to really consider. If you get married and are the bread winner, his parents can’t support the brother, will you have to use your family income to support him? If you have kids or even if you don’t, I could see this rightfully becoming a point of resentment or contention.

      6. I was just talking about this situation with a friend. It sounds awful and so stressful. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

      7. @11:44 I’m really sorry to hear about your situation, sending you virtual love & strength

      8. I think if this is how you feel, you should get a divorce. Your spouse deserves better than to be with someone who is secretly resentful about life situations they didn’t ask for and are trying to cope with the best they can.

        1. My spouse has been caring for his family on my income (from three jobs) while he doesn’t work. If anyone deserves better, it ain’t him.

          1. Isn’t that even more reason to divorce him? You can start over without the financial burden of his family.

          2. Sounds like you’re in a situation that’s very much of your own making, then. When you decide you’re ready to own up to your choices and get out of this mess, please post here and I’m sure you’ll get lots of good advice from people. Best of luck.

    8. I have a similar wage difference with my husband. He has a blue collar job and I am a lawyer. To be honest, I do feel the pressure being the bread winner and sometimes wish things were different, but he does try to pick up the slack with the kids. I would say that money isn’t everything – he can contribute to the family in other ways. You will want to make sure that you are both comfortable with what you are bringing to the relationship (my ex was not and it was constantly an issue – he hated corporate America and did not support me in my job). My family did take some time to warm up to him but now they can see how loving he is and how much he does contribute to the kids etc.
      Regarding the brother, can you ask him how he sees his care playing out over time? I think it is a fair question to ask especially if it will affect your finances or the amount of time your family will have to put into it (recognizing that is his family too but if you have kids, it will be something to keep in mind you will have to juggle)

    9. I would address #1 if you really get serious. There could be plans that don’t involve your man at all. Or, there could be no plans and it is time to look into services for when the parents pass. To me this is something to address later.

      #2 is more serious, but first you need think about what you want. One of my good friends is the breadwinner in her marriage. Her husband was always a low-wage earner. At her urging, he quit working and is now a househusband. He does most of the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the pets, etc. Her career is flourishing. She travels for work frequently and he comes along. When they have kids, he will stay at home fulltime. This may not work for you, and that is okay!

    10. For (1) bring it up at a time that you aren’t talking about the state of your relationship. Maybe he’s talking about his brother at some point. You could then ask if he knows the plan for when his parents are no longer there. My SIL dated a guy in that situation. His family had a trust so there would be plenty of money to care for the brother but yes, he would be the BF’s responsibility after the parents passed.

      For (2) limit what you tell your parents! If they ask about his income tell them that’s private and you aren’t sharing that info. If they talk about his education note that he found a great job so he really came out ahead by not spending needless money on tuition. Then shut down any other negative talk. Your parents don’t make these decisions for you as a grown adult and you decide how much info they get.

    11. #1 depends a lot on the level of need. My cousin with mild autism can hold down a janitorial job and made breakfast/lunch for himself but he struggles with finances. He still lives with his mom and dad for support. When they pass, he will live in his sister’s basement apartment and eat dinner with her family (he doesn’t do well to cook a main meal but can make breakfast or pack a sandwich for lunch). A good friend has a BIL with severe autism but the plan is for him to be in an institution with regular day visits as his needs are too high to stay with their family on a day to day basis. He is in his own home now with significant parent and paid caregiver involvement.

      1. Thank you, this is helpful as a way to understand the range of possibilities. I would say his sibling is in between the two examples you shared.

    12. Appreciate your thoughts (and please keep them coming).
      Some additional details:
      -he’s making $30-40K, I make $85-110K depending on the year. HCOL but not VHCOL area.
      -my understanding is that he’s doing fine financially currently but I don’t know about his savings / planning for the future.
      -100% he will be the caretaker of his sister once his parents are no longer capable, that’s come up already. They currently live a 5 min drive apart and he goes over every day to help.
      -we both bring things to the relationship other than $, that’s why I’m asking here for advice. I like him and see something here, but I want to provide a comfortable life for my family if I have kids and housing costs, college costs, etc. are only going up and up and up so I want to be realistic about the standard of life we could afford and if we’re ok with that. I know how to make do with less, but it’s hard and I would prefer a more comfortable life in the future.
      -I feel confident about providing for myself and fulfilling my existing financial obligations if I choose to shift from private sector to govt, but I don’t think it would be enough to support a family that includes 1-2 children and their college tuition.
      -my parents can’t stop me from marrying who I choose, but we are tight-knit family. They currently live independently, but as they age, my sibling and I know we will splitting the effort of taking care of them financially and logistically and we are ok with that. I want my partner and parents to get along because they are both big parts of my life may end up sharing a home or otherwise interacting more than average relatives. I go to my parents for advice, and they ask me for advice.

      1. Being responsible for the sibling would give me great pause, although I think it is commendable that he is so helpful and willing. I don’t see how it works out well for you knowing that you have that obligation and wanting to have a family eventually AND you are the breadwinner. It doesn’t sound like things will change with his financial status either. I am so sorry – it is a tough situation.

      2. I am a firm believer that two people can be absolutely wonderful, but not wonderful for each other. He needs someone willing to take on the responsibility of his sister, the same way you eventually want someone to take on the responsibility of your parents if necessary. Both worthy goals. You sound like good people.

        As as aside, I moved from a HCOL area to a LCOL area and it really takes the pressure off! I know families with one breadwinner making $60k and they live good lives – own their home, as many kids as they want, good public schools, saving for college. Just throwing that out there as someone else who valued financial security.

        1. Big +1 to both points. Assuming you’re not mega wealthy, I think it is much easier to have a nice life in a LCOL area. I live in a very affordable college town and know many people supporting families of 2-3 kids on annual incomes of ~$50-60k. No, they’re not vacationing in Europe every year, but they own single family homes, drive reliable cars, take driving vacations, put their kids in fun activities and generally have nice lives. K-12 education is high quality and free and our decent state university is very affordable, which means kids will have a good option for college even if you can’t save $500k for a private school (which very few people can do). I have heard many people comment that baby boomers were the last generation to have the “American dream” of a house, car, college, etc. on a blue collar wage and I disagree – it’s still possible, you just have to live in a smaller town to do it. Our HHI is just north of $150k and I honestly don’t even know what we would with more money – we save a ton and buy virtually everything we want. I feel far wealthier than friends in big cities who outearn us by a factor of 2-4. I say that not to brag but just to give you an example of how far your salaries would go in a place like this. Being able to buy a nice house for <$200k is literally life-changing.

      3. Let’s break this down:
        You earn between $85k and $110k a year, but you very much want to scale back and go into a less demanding job when you have kids.
        You want kids and want to put them though college.
        You will be financially supporting your parents.

        The crux of the matter is that you need more money or to readjust your expectations of what is possible with your salary.

        If you lean out at work and take a pay cut, daycare for two kids would eat up almost all of your post tax salary. That leaves your hypothetical husband to pay for the mortgage, living expenses, retirement savings, and college savings on his income alone. Things will get better when the kids are in school; however, you still have the issue of supporting your parents (exactly what that looks like, you are not clear – a thousand dollars here and there, or five figures a year in assistance?).

        1. I got the same feel, which is why I mentioned a LCOL area. Raising kids, saving for college, supporting aging parents, and covering living costs is a tough ask for a HCOL area.

          1. I’m the Anon at 12:50 and wholly agree. It’s shocking how much less expensive daycare and housing are. If aging parents or disabled siblings are living on a fixed income, that income goes a lot further in a small city than a large one.

          2. Fwiw, I live in a LCOL area (college town) and housing is incredibly cheap but daycare is not. Good infant daycare is up to $2k a month in my area, which is maybe slightly cheaper than NYC and SF but nowhere near as cheap as housing is relative to those places. Most jobs in this area won’t cover the cost of childcare for 2+ kids, so many women stay home. So that is something to think about if you move to a lower cost of living area. If this guy is open to staying home with kids they’d be extremely comfortable on her salary in my city (especially with no childcare costs).

        2. Yes this. What you’re saying is actually you’re looking to marry a man who makes quite a bit more than you. Which is, I guess, a choice you can make, but it’s not this guy!

          1. I’m sorry, but where did you get the idea that I’m looking for a guy who makes quite a bit more than me? That’s never something I’ve looked for. I just didn’t expect a man I’m seriously interested in to both make significantly less than me and have significant family financial obligations, so now I’m trying to ask the right questions to make sure I understand how a future would look like and if I like that picture.
            @12:50, thanks for laying out the financials so directly. I am 100% ok with 1 kid rather than 2 if that’s how the finances shake out. I’m not sure if he is, so that’s another question I guess.

          2. Gently, OP, you seem to have a very set plan for your life that you’re trying to wedge this guy into, and the fit isn’t working. You need to change your ideas about what life will look like in the future, or you need to let this guy go and find someone who better fits with what you want your life to be. There’s nothing wrong with having dreams and even expectations about what you want your future to look like. It is wrong to try to shoehorn a person with dreams and responsibilities of their own into your version of your life without making any adjustments for the fact that your partner is their own person with their own set of priorities. As others have said, this guy is perfect for someone but I don’t think that someone is you.

          3. The reality of your situation is that to achieve the lifestyle you want–1-2 kids, a comfortable life in a HCOL city, paying for your kids’ college at a flagship state school, supporting your parents, and (assuming) a decent retirement for yourself–you will need a combined HHI of at least $200K. $250K-$300K would be better. You’re looking for a spouse who earns the same as you now, and if you want to scale back, who substantially out-earns you.

            If you marry this guy, you will be supporting a family of 3-4, plus contributing to the support of your parents and his sister, on a HHI of $150K, max. I assume relocating isn’t an option with your current family obligations. You will have a drastically different lifestyle, probably will not be able to outright pay for college, and may not be able to fully fund your own retirement.

          5. “I’m sorry, but where did you get the idea that I’m looking for a guy who makes quite a bit more than me? That’s never something I’ve looked for.”

            It’s not something you are looking for, but it’s the only way to make the math work out.

          6. Yup, this. I’m in a MCOL and memory care is 12k a month. They’re never affording sibling AND parent care on that HHI.

      4. The difference in income is one hurdle that you can possibly overcome if you’re willing to decrease your standard of living. Adding in a disabled sibling that will require care and likely financial support would be a dealbreaker for me. Also, I know this sounds horrible, but I wouldn’t want to be in the position where I’m guilted into using my income to support his sister. If she needs something that he couldn’t afford in his own, you’re going to be the one footing the bill if you get married. Is that going to take things away from your children if you ever have kids together? Like using money for his sister that would otherwise go towards your kid’s college fund?

        1. Yes I don’t think it’s a money issue but I do think there’s a priorities discussion. Your priorities seem to be kids first, your parents second. (I think? It seems like you’d prioritize saving for college over supporting your parents but maybe I’m reading it wrong.) It seems like you need a real discussion about that – how does he feel about you prioritizing your parents? Where does he see his sister fitting in to the priorities? How do you feel about that? etc.

          Obviously things change, money moves, difficulty increases. But at the end of the day if you agree on priorities, there’s a chance of it working. If not, or if one of you is dishonest about your true priorities, unfortunately this is a path for heartache for you both.

      5. From experience – this is not a great long-term match. Our financial picture was pretty identical to yours before I got married and it has become very difficult to deal with. I really enjoy my partner, and everything else works, but the resentment grows. It is INCREDIBLY frustrating to feel like your partner is holding you back from the lifestyle you think you’ve earned. It is INCREDIBLY frustrating to have to hold back on purchases and small luxuries because your partner can’t afford them and you’re not wealthy enough to foot the bill for them EVERYTIME.

        100k is not rich by any means in a HCOL area but at that level one can afford yearly vacations, decent shoes, a safe car etc. Someone making 30K has a very different financial reality. The fact that this man doesn’t have a degree only makes it less likely that he’ll ever make a complimentary salary. The truth is that the lifestyle you’d live with him will be vastly different from the lifestyle you’d live with partner that made a similar wage. Living comfortably will be much more difficult. Also, once kids come along you will not have the option to stay at home. Most women on this site aren’t interested in staying home but you really don’t know until you’ve had children.

        1. Can I suggest a change of perspective? I was single for a long time before I got married, I’d accepted that I was on my own in this life, so anything he brings to the table is a happy bonus. It’s not that much more expensive to support 2 adults vs 1. I’m in my late 30s and reasonably well off, I haven’t been interested in living in a 1 BR apartment for a long time. Adding another person doesn’t require more space than I already have and any additional cost for utilities is negligible. The same is true of vacations – I’m not interested in hostels at my age, I’m getting a hotel room no matter what, him coming with me doesn’t cost me a dime extra. As long as he can cover the cost of his food, alcohol, and transportation, he’s golden. So this idea that I’ve earned a lifestyle that I’m not living is just not an issue because I know what I would be spending even if he weren’t around.

          I have a similar view toward kids. When I met my husband I was about 6 months away from having a baby on my own. If I’d done that, I wouldn’t have an extra parent to help shoulder the costs or other burdens. I’m happy with anything he can contribute financially, and of course he contributes a ton of non-financial happiness – not to mention labor! – to our lives.

      6. It sounds like you really need to talk with him about money, especially the special needs sibling. Maybe not right now, but at some point soon. You will figure out some things and you will either keep moving forward or you will break up and find other people. If the latter, it sucks and it’s hard; I’m sorry.

        One thing that hasn’t come up: is it that *you* want to scale back when you have kids, or you want one of the marriage members to scale back? If it’s the latter, you could swing it if he is the one to scale back. Otherwise, I am sorry to say I too am leaning towards the “not a match” side of the scale. You are talking about collectively caring for three adults and kids on perhaps 70 – 80k per year in a HCOL? (I’m stabbing at the pay cut your are envisioning when you scale back.) It’s okay to decide you don’t want to do that.

        FWIW I think there are all sorts of things that turn out to be harder than one partner imagined that marriages manage to survive all the time. Case in point: spouse has some (long term especially) fairly significant health issues that I knew about from our first date. We talked extensively about how it might affect our marriage before we got engaged. There is no way I could have imagined how exhausted I would be getting up with two kids at 6 AM and trying to keep them quiet and happy while spouse is in enough pain he can barely get to the bathroom. But, we love each other and I accept that dragging my tired self out of bed on those thankfully rare days is just part of my job, it’s not his fault, and there are good parts of the marriage that make it all worth while.

        1. I think this is a good point that if you have kids, he can be the one to scale back. Having a parent who is flexible and can handle day to day with kids and household should not be underestimated. But that doesn’t solve the issue with potentially having to support the sibling on essentially your salary.

      7. I was thinking “well, there are people out there with income disparities who make it work” but I was thinking that the disparity was more like, he makes $80k and I make $160k. $30-$40k is low income to me, and without him having a college education or some kind of specialized skill, that’s scary. Because unless he makes a big career change or goes to school/training, where is the income growth going to come from? You’ll be wholly responsible for keeping the family afloat as his wages stagnate. It will be a high-pressure situation when you have kids, and if you get laid off at some point. To me, it’s very different when someone’s just starting out, and is looking to build and grow, vs. being in a low-income situation and being okay with chugging along like that for life. If he has big plans of some kind I’m not accounting for, definitely let me know. But it would be a non-starter for me to marry someone and know that they’re going to be grinding away making under (or just over) $50k for the rest of their life while I have to take care of my parents, save for college for my kids, and fund the lifestyle I’d like to live.

        I broke off an engagement just after college because it was clear (for different reasons than your situation) the guy I was with was either never going to get his stuff together or it was going to take a really long time, and I wanted to live the life I wanted to live and wasn’t willing to compromise on basic stuff, like having a house of my own and taking vacations. I met my husband shortly after I broke off my engagement, and while he was kind of a “diamond in the rough” at that point, he had drive and ingenuity and I knew we’d be able to build something together. And we have; it’s better than I imagined it could be. It’s 100% fine to say, I want the life I want and unfortunately we can’t have that life together. Better to cut him loose than get stuck in something and resent the heck out of it for the rest of your life.

      8. In addition, I’m assuming he had some inclination that he would have to care for his sibling and need income to do so. I’m wondering why he didn’t pursue a more lucrative career given the additional responsibility. I’m a planner and would have thought about this at an early age. The fact that he didn’t consider this would be a concern for me.

    13. Kindly, I agree with the poster who says this is not a match. You are already having (legitimate) reservations and on top of that, it sounds like your parents would make life very hard for him if the two of you ended up together.

      I think you shold let this kind, generous man go so he can find somebody who can appreciate him without reservations.

      1. We were posting at the same time but with the additional information that you plan to care for your parents and he plans to care for his sister, that reinforces “you two are not a match.”

        1. Thanks, SA. I think that’s part of my hesitation. I see us both as decent, hardworking people. But I am worried that between the two of us, there may be too many people who will need our support in the future for it to not affect our daily family life, whether that’s stress from trying to care of everyone or the budget impacts. But I’ve also never a met a man who was so easy to be myself with, or who makes me smiles as much as he does.
          To the point about my parents, I don’t think they would make life hard for him at all – they didn’t go to college themselves either. They would just have reservations, but that doesn’t mean those questions couldn’t be answered.

          1. “But I’ve also never a met a man who was so easy to be myself with, or who makes me smiles as much as he does”

            look, there is something to be said for not choosing a life partner with a lot of baggage, but I have to chime in and be clear: men who make you feel wonderful do not, in my experience, come around that often. I am NOT someone who believes “love conquers all” or any of that bullshit, but I also don’t want you to discount someone who may actually be really special for you. Only you can decide if if what you have with him is replicable with someone else but again, wonderful men who make you feel amazing are really not a dime a dozen.

    14. You seem pretty anxious about this – think about what information would make you feel comfortable. On his brother, there may be a plan in place now but the best laid plans can change (eg stock market crashes and trust to care for him loses a ton of value). If this guy is reliable, thoughtful, and able to set healthy boundaries that’s the most important traits to weather future challenges together, I think.
      On the financial piece, you mention your parents but it sort of sounds like you are also judgmental of his situation? That’s not fair to either of you. The question is what kind of life do you want and can you work together to make it possible in a way that works overall. If it’s important to you that your partner be the primary breadwinner, then sounds like this isn’t the right person for you. If you don’t care about that but more are looking at family income overall, consider what lifestyle you could have on your realistic more chill jobs.

      1. Thanks, anon. I don’t expect a partner to be the primary breadwinner – I personally don’t feel that’s appropriate to expect from someone else. I expect and want to work, and also expect kids to change exactly what that might look like, but what I didn’t expect was to be the primary breadwinner from the get go. Before I met this man, my solo life trajectory loosely looked like saving up in the private sector so that I could shift to a non-profit or govt job that I felt more passionate about without jeopardizing my financial future.
        I don’t judge his situation at all, but I want to understand it and what it might mean for me/us so that I can decide if that’s something I’m willing to take on. If we married, his sibling would be my family too. I take family seriously so I don’t want to make a commitment I’m not prepared to honor.

        1. Do you know if his brother’s condition is genetic? That would be an answer I would want to know if I was going to have a child with him. Adding in caring for your parents, BIL and a special needs child of your own sounds like way way too much.

    15. My sister was involved with a man who had family dependency issues – that is, not special needs, but his mom and dad and his adult brothers were always going broke and coming to him for money as he was the only responsible, employed adult in the family. It was a mess. She was with this man for years and she had children with him and his family continued to be a giant problem, a factor in their eventual breakup. It’s true that when you marry someone, you marry their family. Please give this a lot of thought.

      (The one smart thing my sister did was never legally marry her ex. He got involved in some schemes with his loser brother, however well intentioned, that went south and it’s a very good thing she wasn’t legally tied to those in a community property sense.)

    16. A little bit of a different perspective, but I think if you liked this guy enough to marry him then you wouldn’t be asking these questions at this point. I’m a very analytical person so I always ask questions like this in the very early days of a relationship. But by the time I’m thinking about a future with someone, I’m thinking of how to make it work not all the reasons it can’t work. Imho if you’ve known this guy for a few months and you’re picking apart why he’s not right for you, rather than strategizing how to overcome these challenges, then you’re probably telling yourself that he’s not right for you.

      A test you may find helpful – make your decision and live with it for a day or two. Do you feel relieved or distraught?

      1. Agree. I always feel like anything other an “he!! yes!” is a “no.”

    17. So, I have a special needs sister who will never be able to live independently due to her intellectual disabilities, and I am also married to someone who makes about 4 times my salary (although we started out making about the same and he just got increases every year while my salary plateaued) and we give monthly “allowances” to both sets of parents! I am fully aware that my sister will be my dependent someday, and if something were to happen to me and my DH, my 3 kids will be responsible for taking care of their aunt. That said, I’m not that concerned about it at the moment because my parents are still alive and they are planning on essentially giving us sufficient funds to help pay for my sister’s food and day-to-day living expenses. They considered setting up a special needs trust, but decided not to do it for some reason, but again, I don’t think the expenses are going to be a major issue. So, I think on your first point is the question is what, if anything, his parents are doing now to ensure that his brother is set-up financially in the event something were to happen to them. If they are college-educated, perhaps they have some savings, a life insurance policy, a special needs trust, or all of the above? As for the income disparity, I am quite a bit older than you and I basically thought that I might be going into government or non-profit also but surprisingly, those jobs are hard to get! So, I stayed in the private sector and get paid more and I’m okay with that trade-off. Is it possible that you are also on a path where you will be making $200k+ sometime soon and can therefore pay for your lifestyle and maybe this guy can be a stay at home dad or work part-time to defray your childcare expenses?

    18. It sounds like he is an experienced and devoted caregiver, who shares your strong family values. The fact that you both value taking care of family probably means that he will most likely understand your wanting to take care of your parents better than many other men who has less experience with dependants, and that your values are similar.

      Some things to think about – he might very well have dropped college because of his sibling. There may have been a clear priority in his upbringing where the brother needs more. More money, more time, more everything. So his choice could have been different than his friends, he may not have been able to get financial help from parents because of sibling, and may not have had time to have enough extra jobs to pay for college alone and still help out with sibling, for example. It may have been different, but it’s possible that the brother has defined his whole life, too. There might be some resentment, there might not be.

      But if the reality is that the only way a family with you and him would work is for him to be the primary caregiver and SAHD, find out now if that is something he would welcome and enjoy, or whether it would be just one more sacrifice of agency after living in the shadow of someone with more pressing needs. It’s very hard to be the sibling of a special needs child. Very hard.

  16. I am going to be spending a week with my sister-in-law (DH’s brother’s wife) on vacation. She is nice to me but she is always very focused on venting to me about all of the things that are making her unhappy, which range from legit (her mom being a conspiracy theorist and refusing to get vaxxed) to ridiculous (our other sister in law giving her kid too many kid gifts that they don’t want). What can I say to her to signal to her she’s just going overboard on the complaints? Does “Hmm, is that so bad?” Sound unsympathetic? If I nod and listen, she feels validated and keeps complaining to me alone and I’d like to stop this dynamic.

    1. “You know what, I realized that we spend our time together venting. I committed to myself that I won’t spend a fun week focusing on negativity – so I’m going to go grab a water and head out for a walk. I’d love you to join me and let’s focus on appreciating how lucky we are to be here/ to get together/ to know each other.”

    2. This is how some people make conversation. Are there any crappy things in your life you can vent over? What about politics or the weather? For many people, sharing what’s bothering them is a form of bonding. You can change the conversation if you want with questions like “so tell me about some things that are going right?” But that can backfire if this person unfortunately does have everything going wrong. Some people are just dealt a crappy hand in life. That doesn’t sound like the situation here.

      1. I just caught that you want to change the dynamic. I don’t think there is anything wrong you suggesting you change topics.

    3. I would say, ‘Hey! I think this is our time to relax and have fun. Let’s set a timer to each vent and let it out and then we will make like Elsa, let it go, grab some coffees/cocktails and live our best lives.’

      And then literally set timers. I have a bestie and she and I will sometimes do this when we’re in really foul moods – it’s amazing what 8 minutes of venting will need.

      (Also, it’s good to think about a concern and think, ‘Nah. This is worth 2 minutes, at BEST.’)

    4. I would try to get her involved in activities that keep both of you busy, rather than drinks/lounging/etc. where the primary activity is talking (or complaining).

      1. This is a good idea. Also is there a way to limit your alone time with her? Could you say you have been really busy and need some down time alone to recharge?

      2. +1

        For times where you can’t avoid it, can you use a pause to… need to refresh your drink? Check on a kid? Use the bathroom? (Bonus is she can’t very well follow you on this last one… and then you can take your time finding your way back.)

      3. +1. This is what I do and it also helps prevent ME from complaining. If I’m on a beautiful hike and we’re chatting away as we walk, I’m not going to be slightly bored and antsy, which often drives my complaining.

      4. +1 million. This is my mom after two hours of “visiting” – everything becomes a complaint. She is from an old school where visiting people means sitting around and talking for hours, and it’s exhausting for me as an introvert and because the complaining gets to be too much. We’ve learned to limit conversational time to 2 hours and then make plans to do something else – go out to eat, see a movie, go for a walk, etc. My mom gets offended because we don’t “enjoy visiting with her” but it’s either, we limit the amount of time spent sitting around complaining or we don’t visit at all.

    5. I agree with the other commenters, but to address your question “hmm, is that so bad?” is dismissive and unproductive, whether the topic she’s venting about is really “so bad” or not.

  17. Women who are age 40+: Is it normal to be tired more often than not? I exercise and get 7-8 hours of sleep every night. Doctor confirms that I’m completely healthy. But I am DONE with a capital D by 9:30 every night and have zero issues taking a nap on the weekends. I crave sleep or rest all the time. Part of me feels like this is a stage in life — two kids, big job, other family responsibilities — but part of me feels like it can’t be normal.

    1. I am happy to be another 40 year old with two kids and a medium job who is tired all the time data point. It seem normal to me.

    2. What are you eating? That makes all of the difference. Also staying hydrated.

      Underlying anxiety you hide below the surface can also slow you down.

      1. I feel like my diet is decent? It’s certainly not perfect and I have a sweet tooth, but I eat plenty of fruits and veggies, too.

        1. Are you getting enough protein? Apparently I am ruled by protein and not getting enough (for me) will make me exhausted even if everything else indicates I should feel fine. Sugar also zaps my energy.

        2. I’m not saying to go on a crazy low carb diet or anything, but reducing carbs (esp fast burning ones) and upping protein and healthy fats can help.

    3. I felt like this always. My CPAP helped my mornings but I was still always tired. I started Welbutrin, prescription B12 and morning yoga all at the same time and I feel like a new person. I’m actually a morning person now! I don’t know which of the three did the trick but I honestly think the morning yoga was the most helpful. I may get less sleep but I feel more awake. Oh, I also have the smart wake thing on my Fitbit so it wakes me at the right point in my sleep cycle if I don’t wake up naturally.

      1. I started taking B-complex vitamins after seeing someone mention them on this site and I noticed a world of difference in my energy. I never get more than 7 hours of sleep in a night (sadly) but went from feeling draggy to being able to function normally.

    4. Hahah welcome to the rest of your life. I’m 56 and I need nine hours of sleep to function fully and not feel depressed.

    5. Similar situation. I need regular low intensity exercise (yoga) plus enough protein in my diet otherwise I’m wiped.

    6. You said you’re diet is fairly healthy – are you getting enough protein and iron? Lack of either can make you tired and even potentially anemic….

    7. Yup, this is me. I sleep decently, workout, and wake with the birds ready to go, but when I hit like 8:30 at night, it’s all over for me. I went to a concert recently and it was everything I could do to stay awake. I fell asleep in the car on the way home. I am pretty wide awake during the day though, so I think for me it’s just my natural circadian rhythms becoming more pronounced. I suspect I’ll be a 60 year old who wakes up at 3:30 am.

      1. This is me too and I’ve been like this my entire life (currently early 40s). I’ve always eaten healthy and exercised and wake up pretty easily in the morning, but I am almost always tired and ready to go to bed early. I’ve done all the blood work a bunch of times and everything’s always fine, but I just need more sleep than most people and am a naturally an early bird. Any disruption to my sleep and I get sick, like clockwork, ever since I was a little kid. At this point, I’ve given in and just accepted that that’s the way I am.

    8. Well, there’s a difference between “healthy” and “optimal.” Did they not consider a sleep study? I assume that your B12, D, and iron are all fine, and TSH and reproductive hormones look good too? I’ve also learned that it’s wise to look at lab results myself, since (a) doctors have told me that I’m completely fine even when I had issues on my labs that were totally diagnosable and treatable, (b) sometimes they didn’t remember to check everything we’d discussed. But it seems strange not to check for sleep apnea at a minimum since daytime sleepiness is a key symptom.

    9. I am mid 40s and generally feel great/well rested all the time, absent some work deadline that keeps me up late. BUT — I don’t have kids.

      I did just get back from a family vacation, though, and spending time watching the kids every day (elementary age, so so they can play together, occupy themselves, get snacks etc) meant I was crashing way earlier than normal. And I was barely a tertiary caregiver! That stage of life is just thoroughly exhausting. You might be able to make some beneficial changes, but I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that there is something wrong with you.

    10. Hmmmm. I would be concerned if this was me. I am 43.5, have four kids under 10, including a two year old. Working from home in a very challenging situation and our nanny quit in February so we have been whiteknuckling with a casual 15 year old sitter. I’m never tired. I don’t think this normal. But without more information I don’t have much good advice. Sleep apnea? Some nutritional deficiency? ( most doctors would never find this).

      1. Are you a superhuman? How are you doing this? I am you with only two kids, but due to husband’s job I solo parent 3-4 days a week. I’m tired SO often. Tell me your secrets!

        1. I honestly almost didn’t post this because it sounds braggy, which isn’t helpful! I don’t know that I have any secrets. I do not solo parent (except for a six month deployment last year). I am home all day with all of them (summer!). My husband is doing two days a week WFH and he is a super heavy lifter on the domestic front. I sleep while he makes breakfast every morning, he does all diapers, bath, the laundry, all dishes, the pool, the garden etc. I am super particular about diet and eat heavy protein (between 125-165 grams a day) heavy fat and eat a lot (on a crazy busy work day I might only eat 2500 calories, but routinely top 3500!). I cook everything from scratch so the quality is pretty good. I work out pretty hard (resistance Sweat work-outs) almost every day and get between 12.5k-15k steps a day on average. I sleep a bare minimum 8 hours a night, frequently 9. I am also relentless about dealing with “minor” issues that frequently get ignored by doctors (teeth grinding; just got a tongue tie release, I trained myself to exclusively nasal breathe to improve my sleep, I see an Osteopath once a month etc). In OPs case I would be chasing hormonal levels analysis and would be investigating all the things recommended here.

        1. Sorry, I clarified above I didn’t want to come off like that but was rushing into a meeting and just wanted to make the point that I don’t think this is normal, at all. I think lot of people agree and gave great advice of things to chase down. That’s what I would do if I felt like this.

    11. I think it is normal. I have always been low energy – gotten bloodwork and always comes back fine. I think some people need more sleep or rest than others. Are you introverted? I find that outings with my kids where I have to socialize to be very draining too.

      1. Yeah, I am introverted. I do find certain activities to just drain the life out of me. Including evenings with the kids, which feels terrible to say, but it’s 100% true.

    12. Do some blood work and check things like your testosterone levels – not with the question is this normal? but with the question is this the optimal levels for me?

      1. late posting but FULL THYROID panel not just T3. Most women in 40s have a thyroid issue

    1. You can buy non elastic back shoes.

      Sorry if that sounds glib. You can try moleskin but that only helps if they’re rubbing your skin and making it sore. If it’s just the pressure of the elastic for you, which it was for me, that’s just the shoe design. I donated mine.

      1. +1. Elastic back shoes at all price points practically give me a blister just from trying them on, so I pass every time.

      2. I’m in the process of going through a lot of unused items. The elastic back shoes I have are in colors I cannot easily find, are wide enough for my feet…but they hurt.

  19. I am having painfully vivid dreams about work. I’m in a transactional role (not law) and just had some big wins, but now have to deliver for my clients. I don’t have anxiety in regular life. Here, sitting in my office as I type, I don’t feel particularly stressed out about the upcoming assignments. I’m busy but have a good team and we’re on it. But I cannot for the life of me manage a restful night’s sleep because Sleep Me is apparently very, very stressed and anxious. Help? Silently suffer? What gives!

    1. “What gives” is that when you’re at work you’re busy and active and you’re putting any anxiety-fueled energy into getting work done. What’s happening when you’re asleep is a signal that you ARE anxious and stressed about “now I have to deliver for my clients.”

      This kind of scenario happened to me all the time when I was grieving a family death. I was OK during the day, but dreams at night showed me that I WAS grieving, more than I was aware of.

    2. Spoiler, you DO have anxiety in your regular life, because we aren’t different people when we are asleep. You probably are not managing that anxiety as well as you think, and it’s showing up in other ways.

    3. Yep, I’d say work is your coping mechanism for the anxiety and when you’re sleeping, you obviously can’t use that coping mechanism.

  20. Is it normal or expected to feel like you’re failing in a new job? Started a new job earlier this year and have been feeling way behind the curve. My boss made a comment about how everyone feels like they’re failing the first 6 months. Struggling yes, learning curve, yes, but failing?

    1. Yes totally normal. If your boss thinks you’re on track then try not to worry about it, which I know is easier said than done.

    2. I think this varies greatly by the type of job, but I also don’t think it’s unusual.
      What kind of feedback are you getting? Is your boss bringing up substantive issues with your work, or are you making the type of mistakes lots of folks make when they’re at a new role?

    3. Do you feel like you are failing or just struggling? Your boss’s comment just sounds to me like casual use of different language to mean the same thing.

      1. I feel like I can’t do anything right and everything I produce, every comment I make in meetings is scrutinized or I’m flat out told I’m wrong. I’m questioning my entire professional experience to date honestly. The boss comment was a general one not specific to me.

        1. Based on this feedback, this is not the job for you. I’ve been in a role where I was treated this way regardless of how good my performance was and it was incredibly detrimental to my self-esteem, career-progession, and mental health. Start looking for a new job.

    4. Well, it depends on how you react to struggling and a learning curve. If you’re used to feeling competent and in control, struggling and not knowing what you’re doing can feel exactly like . . . failing.
      I’m in a new job where I don’t know what to do and the parameters aren’t clear. Things I tried in the first 6 months didn’t work. I was and am still learning, and I am struggling. To me, this equates to “failing.” To my boss, it equates to “what we expected to happen.”

    5. Yes, normal. Especially the more specialized role you’re in. I have to to hire for and manage a role that is very much like this. The skillset needed (highly organized in an office type role) basically doesn’t match at all the knowledge needed (lots of specialized electrical parts). I can teach the knowledge part a lot more easily then teaching the skillset part to people with the knowledge part already, but it means that very competent people often feel like they’re “failing” when they’re in fact just learning all the things and there are a lot of things to learn.

      Please stick it out if your boss is encouraging and made a comment like that.

    6. It’s my first week at a new job and I almost cried because I didn’t know how to do something specific to their system that I shouldn’t have otherwise known how to do. My Onboarding is fully remote since covid. I’d say you’re feelings are normal and understandable

      1. nothing makes sense (for what feels forever) and then it all makes sense and you’ll wonder why it didn’t sooner. true for me (20+ years working) and true for this summer’s interns….

        keep going, you’ve got this!

  21. For those with light eyebrows (redheads, blondes…), how do you groom them from day to day? I have a decent amount of hair, but there are some natural bare spots from cowlick-y areas, etc., and I feel that I should do something about that other than comb them (maybe not?). My eyebrows are dirty blonde with a tinge of red, and I have been wearing true brown or reddish brown mascara. Due to this, I am wondering if I should be coloring my whole brow darker (red? which they are not) or just filling in the spaces? But then…with what? Powder or a pencil? I’m not a heavy makeup kind of person, but there is so much emphasis on brow grooming these days I feel like I need to do something. Does anyone have similar coloring?

    1. My daughter is a redhead with similar eyebrows to you and she uses Boy Brow from Glossier. She did use brunette but they came out with an auburn color and she switched to that.

      It is generally ok and natural looking to have your eyebrows slightly darker than your hair.

      1. I’m blonde and use the blonde shade of Boy Brow, plus some Anastasia clear brow gel to really keep them in place after I comb them into shape. I like the tint of the Boy Brow but find I need something a bit stronger to keep my brows in position over the course of the day.

      2. Also in my experience I find brow products that are supposed to be light brown run slightly warm/red. I think you’ll be able to find a match pretty easily.

      3. The problem is that I am not sure about coloring my mostly blonde/brown brows dark red when I don’t wear much makeup to begin with.

        1. Brow mascara like boy brow don’t deposit as much color as brow pencils and powders. They are mostly a grooming product to keep your brows laying the way you want them to lay. If you want absolutely no color added, some brands make clear ones.

      4. Boy brow is the way to go, or the E.L.F. brow mascara. Both come in pretty light shades that won’t look too stark.

      5. I have lightish blond hair and use dark blond Boy Brow and am happy with how it looks. And my eyebrows are pretty sparse.

    2. I use a light brown (almost taupe) product that’s like a tinted brow mascara. I think I just got it at the drug store. My eyebrows are light brown at the front but then go clear in the summers on the outside half. It’s… not a great look.

      I have tinted my brows before – I actually used dye designed for moustaches. Same – I tinted a light cooler-toned brown. That might be an option for you, but I’ve gotten into the habit of 10 seconds to apply this brow mascara. Brand might be cover girl, but I really prefer Anastasia brow products.

    3. I…rarely pay attention to my eyebrows. They are blonde, and perfectly fade into my skin, to the point of having to look to see them. In the past, pencils made them look odd, and powder makes them look to big/dark. I decided not to worry about them. My eyelashes are almost invisible too, so occasionally I wear mascara, but mostly focus on my hair and skin because anything dark around the eyes looks unnaturally dark on me.

      1. similar here, late posting but hopefully helpful

        I cannot find color that works either. I started using clear mascara for both brows and lashes and it looks very natural – like my color but a little more so. thyroid issues so very sparse brows esp at the ends!

    4. If you would like just a bit more definition, you could have your eyebrows tinted. It’s very gentle and washes out after a few weeks, but can make a big difference. It just makes your eyebrows look fuller and more defined. Pretty much any eyebrow aesthetician could do it for you … a good professional would be able to recommend what color would work best for your coloring.

    5. I have natural blonde hair (both ashy and red undertones), pale skin (peach undertones), white and light blonde eyebrows, sparse.

      I wear glasses with big frames, so no grooming necessary for eyebrows on the regular, they aren’t visible. For days with contacts, I use Benefits gimme brow mascara in color 1, which is very light ashy blonde and makes my brows just about visible.

      I have found that every blonde brow product I wear with reddish undertones makes my brows look like I smudged dirt on them. The very light ashy ones are fine. I think it’s partly because my brows are so sparse, so they don’t look like full, darker brows, just like a spider crawled there and died, with a darker or browner or redder product. I’ll happily wear black mascara, liner and dramatic shades, but brows are very easily cartoonish on me.

    6. Inquiring mind wants to know: Do you use gel on brows first to shape them in place, then use a brow pencil over the gel? or, vice versa? should know this by now. Q2: what is a low cost brow pencil that is waterproof? (for beach, swimming, super humid days). Thanks!!

  22. If you tint or dye your own eyelashes and eyebrows, what products do you recommend? Any to avoid? I did this in the distant past and cannot recall what I used, but it made a huge difference. I am not about the mascara and brow makeup, and reviving the tinting would help lots. I love my zoom enhanced brows, and that’s what I want in real life (not the clown style ones, the subtlety enhanced ones).

    1. I don’t do my own lashes but I color my hair at home using Madison Reed, and I use a little on my brows. I put the Vaseline they provide for around your hairline around my brows using a cosmetic brush, and then I just whack on the color with a q tip. It’s fine. It doesn’t last forever but it looks good for a few weeks.

    2. I use henna (Mina brand kits, specifically for brows) that I buy on Amazon. I’m super happy with how natural it looks, and super easy.

  23. Recs for a marriage counselor in NoVa (we’re in Alex)? We just need help with a discrete problem – our relationship is great except for we keep having the same argument about household chores over and over again and we need to get to whatever the root is with communication, respect, household participation. Thanks!

    1. Have you tried the Fair Play system? Each spouse takes over an entire chore, from planning to buying items (or putting them on the grocery list) to execution. A lot of the problem is mental load, e.g., the wife does not want to have to tell her husband that he needs to clean the bathroom; she wants it to be his job to notice, too.

  24. What’s the ettiquite here? I just got home and there are 4 large heavy boxes on my doorstep that are addressed to someone on my road about half a mile away (names and house #s are nothing alike). I googled the company on the label and it’s an Asian grocery delivery company (We Go Go). The delivery is covered with stickers in Chinese, several that mean fragile and one that I’m assuming means perishable.

    I don’t know when the boxes were dropped off; I’ve been out all day. It’s 90 degrees here. At least two of the boxes are pretty heavy–like it’s full of sacks of rice ;). I don’t know the people down the road at all. I called the company and the rep I spoke to didn’t speak English- just enough to ask if I spoke Chinese and then to say sorry, can’t help.

    So….

    Option 1: leave everything on my porch for 24 hours, then throw away if not picked up (can I open the boxes to throw things away? I literally cannot lift two of them.)
    Option 2: leave a note in the mailbox of the correct house
    Option 3: wait until DH gets home this evening, have him load the boxes into our car and drive them down the road
    Option 4: bring into house, leave a note on my door in case someone comes back and a note in their mailbox saying i brought stuff inside so it doesn’t spoil, call or text me to pick it up.

    I did call UPS and they said they didn’t deliver, that it’s likely a local driver a la Instacart.

    1. I would bring what you can inside and leave a note for the neighbor or even better, knock on their door.

    2. The kind things to do would be 2, 3, and 4. Move them into your house, let the people know (why a note in the mailbox? Knock on their door), and if they can’t come to get it, drive it over to them.

      1. Yes this. I’d knock and if they’re not home leave a note saying “You have several heavy packages at my house. I can have someone drop them off at 9pm but feel free to come get them earlier.”

    4. Number 2 (unless you ring the doorbell and they’re home; don’t leave a note if you can talk to them in person) or number 3. There’s an address very similar to ours in our neighborhood and we get their packages (and they get ours) fairly frequently. We just drive their boxes over to them and they drive ours down to us, and the courtesy is much appreciated.

    5. Knock on the door of the correct house, not a note. If not home, then a note. It is not your responsibility to move them. Leave them outside for 24 hours. After that, move them inside, leave a note outside saying they’re inside, and to ring you at number to coordinate pickup. GL.

    6. I would drive down the road, bang on their door, and tell them to pick their boxes up. If no one answered, I would leave a note. Then when DH comes home, I would have him drive them down the road.

    7. Option 3 or 4. I have gotten a number of incorrect deliveries and have either dropped them off myself at the correct address if I could lift them, or in the case of a giant meat smoker, driven to the house, knocked on the door and told them I had received it, at which time they came and got it from my driveway.

    8. I would walk over (if it’s close by), knock on the door to tell them to come get it, or leave a note if they weren’t home. When they came to get it, I would politely offer to bring a light box hoping that they will (equally politely) decline.

    9. I’m sure this was keeping you all on the edge of your seats…I didn’t have time to deal with any of this for a few hours, and when i went back out to check the address, they were gone! FWIW, it would have been a Serious Act of Kindness for me or DH to move them anywhere, much less schlep them over to my car, then over to their place and up to their front door. May have involved a hand truck. Two of those boxes were easily 50+lbs–I assume bulk dry goods! I also didn’t really want 4 boxes the size of XL diaper orders sitting out there either!

Comments are closed.