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Weekend Open Thread

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gray off-the-shoulder sweater; woman also has a blue textured clutch on her lap and is wearing olive pants while sitting in a wooden chair against a gray background

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Off-the-shoulder tops: yea or nay? Do you feel like there are rules around them, like age, time of day, or occasion? What about that bare shoulder — should your bra be strapless or, if you're just wearing a regular bra, should you hide the strap with a tank top? Also, what are your thoughts on jewelry?

I'm a fan of the tops, like this bestseller from Evereve, but I'll admit I never quite know the rules. I despise strapless bras so I tend to just wear my regular bra and tuck the strap in. I do feel like there are time and place rules, but that they've gotten a lot less strict over the years. Evereve has this styled with casual olive cargo pants and a textured clutch, which seems a bit confused all around, but maybe that's me.

For my $.02, I tend to think of a sweater top like this being appropriate for a date night type of thing, although I think it could also work with a cute brunch outfit… but I also think it could work with ripped jeans and sneakers for a lazy day. I wouldn't wear it to something like a parent-teacher conference, though, and I'd hesitate to wear it to an office. (But every office is different, so know yours!)

(I always want to feature the gorgeous Lara dress from Reiss, and then tell myself it's not appropriate for most offices… but I'd love to hear your thoughts! Workwear-focused brands like Modern Citizen and M.M.LaFleur also have options. If you DO think off-the-shoulder tops are acceptable for work sometimes, what are your rules? Only one shoulder, not two? Not with a folded neckline like these sweaters from A.L.C. or Everlane? Perhaps only a very wide boatneck, like these options from Ann Taylor or Tuckernuck?)

The pictured sweater comes in several colors, and is available in sizes XS-XL. Nordstrom has a TON of similar options in all sizes.

Sales of note for 5/21/25:

217 Comments

  1. I’m the poster from a few days ago with the future MIL who said I ought to be the most beautiful at my boyfriend’s brothers weddings. Thank you to everyone who provided insight! MIL is not American, and is from a much more loving/expressive culture. She has bought me many traditional dresses and jewelry from their culture to wear for the wedding, which I think explains the comments. I think her intended meaning was to say “she must be adorned in the most beautiful silks and jewelry” and less “she must be the most physically perfect.” So interesting how people had different takes based on whether they had their own non-American MILs or mothers – different communities really have different ways of expressing things!

  2. I have to be the last person around who doesn’t have an ugly Christmas sweater. Does anyone have DIY ideas to recommend? I have a themed party to attend this weekend and don’t want to buy something mass produced just for this event. I do have few solid-colored sweaters I could doctor up, basic sewing skills, and a drawer full of ric-rac and related sundries.

      1. Or even sew on actual very small Christmas ornaments. That would be hilarious.

          1. not sure if youre squeamish but this is an excellent buy nothing or thrift store request…

    2. Do you have any tinsel garland? You could do a whip stitch to temporary add garland trim to your sweater collar and cuffs, or to do the outline of a Christmas tree (or candy cane, or some other basic Christmas design) on the body. Or, you could attach small christmas ornaments directly to the sweater.

      Another option: If you have a tree skirt, wear it as a cape. Et Viola! No work required, and suitably festive.

    4. It might already be picked over, but this is literally 90% of what Goodwill does this time of year. My local Goodwill has a whole rack of holiday sweatshirts that are like, $3.99-9.99.

    5. Controversial but I think it’s ok to show up in regular festive attire.

      I’m not usually a grump about themes but this one has seems really wasteful now that people buy fake ugly sweaters rather than wearing ones that were gifted and thrifted. No one has ever cared if I wear red plaid pants and a not ugly sweater. Alternatively, maybe borrow one?

      1. I wear my mom’s actual Christmas sweater, which she was convinced was the most beautiful thing ever when I bought it for her about 15 years ago. It’s got snowmen, tinsel, sequins, Santa — you name it!

    7. Do you have to have a sweater? Dollar tree has a headband and necklace that are big Christmas lights that light up. I’m wearing the headband to the Zoo lights tonight, ha.

    8. Before it was a trend, I used to wear a plain red sweater adorned with every awful brooch I could find at the thrift store. It was actually quite festive.

    9. You could hot-glue tinsel around the collar and cuffs; you could cut white felt into three circles for a snowman (bonus if you can make it melting); you could do a pun on “ho ho ho,” depending on the crowd with puff paint; you could wear a name tag that says “Ugly Sweater” and call it a day.

    10. If you have a printer, you can print your own iron-ons (they have to be printed backwards) and then put that on a basic sweatshirt from Joann or someplace similar. My daughter made a sweatshirt like this for dh with pictures from each of his favorite xmas movies.

    11. I am tacking on a snowflake battery operated light string and small disco mirror balls.

    12. I don’t either, I do not get the point of those parties. I’d just wear something festive.

    13. I couldn’t find any real knit Christmas sweaters ugly or otherwise last weekend.

    14. OP back with an update!

      I used yarn and ribbon scraps to embroider a Charlie Brown-like stick figure tree on the front, made ric-rac snow around the hem, and sewed little bows and buttons on the tree for ornaments. Not high fashion, actually kinda cute rather than ugly. Thanks all!

  3. If you’re going to someone’s house for a party, do you expect to take your shoes off? Does it affect your outfit? Going to one at a new friend’s house at 6:30 on saturday and assuming i’ll be taking my shoes off, but i have no idea.

    1. I always assume I’ll take my shoes off. I usually carry some black slip on socks with grippy bottoms and just make sure that my pants aren’t so long that they’ll drag.

    2. 1) Yes
      2) no but in the winter I normally wear tights or socks so I wouldn’t be barefoot

    3. I have started bringing extra socks because I hate this. I have a lot of foot pain when my feet are not in my supportive shoes with custom orthotics

      1. Yes, I always bring slippers but honestly anything that supports my feet adequately is and looks like a shoe and constitutes shoes in the house. I keep hoping if I can lose some weight that maybe it will be less of an issue.

        1. I am hear to tell you probably not. I’m on the smaller side and I never walk around without some sort of shoe (ugly indoor Crocs at home).

          I never ask people to take their shoes off. If they want to, fine, and if their shoes got particularly nasty, I trust my friends to take them off of their own accord. But I don’t mind a little street schmutz, that’s what a vacuum cleaner is for. And also doormats.

          I don’t remember my parents ever asking guests to take their shoes off. I grew up in a carpeted house in the Chicago area, and I don’t remember any dire carpet issues because of shoes, and despite us kids rolling around on the carpet all the time, no one ever got a disease from the carpet either.

          It’s kind of wild to me how many people nowadays insist that carpet is so “unhygienic.” Vacuum more often and don’t lick the floor, maybe?

    4. I’m in So Cal, so generally no. I’ll never forget one time it was pouring down rain and I was unexpectedly expected to take my shoes off on the porch. I was wearing knee-high boots that were a bear to get on and off and I ended up with soaking wet socks. From that day to this I have been prepared.

      1. Bay Area and I never expect to have to take my shoes off, but have been unpleasantly surprised more than once. I most appreciate when people give me a heads-up ahead of time, because then I will bring my supportive slippers and some socks. I wear an orthotic in my street shoes.

      2. This surprises me. I grew up and attended college in SoCal and found many more no-shoes households there than I do now in the SEUS, mostly because there are no Asian homes here. My very white Canadian husband also grew up in a no-shoes home because there was lots of mud on their hobby farm, and my working-class white family did not wear shoes in the house but did not ask guests to remove their shoes. My college apartments were no-shoes because my roommates were children or grandchildren of Asian immigrants who had grown up in no-shoes households. I still think it’s weird that everyone here in the southeast wears their shoes in the house.

    5. For a big party I think it’s less expected than a smaller gathering, but yes, particularly for groups of city dwellers. None of us want the lingering residue of dried gum, animal waste, food spills, or worse being trucked around the house.

      1. Bay Area and I have a shoes-off house (married into a shoes-off culture) as do most of my friends. I expect that most people will remove their shoes at my house, but I’d never require it. I don’t want someone to have foot pain or balance issues while visiting me.

        I have foot pain if I walk around without shoes, so I have indoor Birkenstocks that I’ll bring with me if I’m going to be spending a ton of time in someone else’s house.

        If I have a big (for me) party, it’s whatever makes you comfortable–I’m vacuuming and mopping after anyway.

        It does feel a little rude if someone who is from a strong shoes-off culture doesn’t remove their shoes without noting that their body does better with shoes. More of a pass if someone is from a shoes-on culture, especially if they’re older. I would never ask my abuela to take off her shoes.

    6. I’m Canadian so by law we must remove our shoes.

      I always bring inside shoes for a house party in the winter.

      1. By law?! Omg I need to move to Canada.

        I’m white but grew up in a shoe free house in the Midwest and have mostly Asian/Asian American friends so everyone I know well is shoes off. On the rare occasion I see someone traipsing around their living room in sneakers I’m always slightly horrified.

      2. Yes I’m Canadian, shoes must always be removed. You are exiled if you’re rude enough to wear shoes indoors and mess up someone’s floor.

      3. In my city in Northern Canada people even remove their shoes at any office they visit in winter (doctor/dentist/salon etc). People wear their socks, indoor shoes or provided crocs/slippers. I have never worn outdoor shoes inside someone else’s house. Just how it is here!

      4. This. Always carry a shoe bag for dressy shoes if it’s a formal/fancy party.

        I’ve never worn an outside shoe into someone’s house that I can think of. Even college age parties are a pile of shoes in the front porch.

    7. Prepare to remove your shoes, and then you’re set either way.

      We are a no shoes house and we tell people in advance and provide them with the options. Anyone who prefers not to be barefoot or in socks, as I prefer, is welcome to bring slippers of choice and we also have a stash to offer people who might want them – they’re machine washable and we tell people that we wash them between wears.

      1. And if you made me take off my shoes, for heaven’s sake don’t let your dog out around my feet.

      2. +1. You have to clean up after a party regardless. Take ten minutes to wet swiffer or vacuum the next day, it’s part of hosting. Don’t make everyone else ruin their outfit, deal with foot pain (you’d be shocked how many people need arch support), and pray they don’t step in something wet in the bathroom. Provide wipes by the door if you’re worried about salt or slush. But in my mind you’re a Bad Host if you make people take their shoes off.

        1. And I think your self involved if you think you are important enough to damage someone’s home.

          2. Good lord. Do you think the construction workers, electricians, and plumbers who built your home all went barefoot?

          5. Where I live tradespeople actually arrive at your house with those disposable blue shoe cover booties so they don’t cause a mess or damage.

        2. Ohh stepping in a puddle in the bathroom while you’re barefoot or in socks is the WORST. Gross.

          1. What kind of parties are you going to where there are puddles on the bathroom floor? This has nerve happened to me. Major ick.

          2. It happened to me once. It was near the powder room toilet. I don’t want to spend too much time thinking about what it may have been… but it was a large-ish party, so.

        3. And conversely, there are loads of people who cannot wait to free their feet from shoe prison.

    9. Argh. I know we have discussed this before. I need to remember to assume most people are no-shoe houses. I usually forget to bring socks and really do not feel comfortable aesthetically or temperature-wise during events.

    10. This may be an unpopular opinion, but if you’re hosting a big party and expect guests to take their shoes off, I think you should make that clear on the invite.

      2. I agree. Please give me advance warning, I don’t have the nicest-looking feet or the cutest socks because I wear house Crocs in my house and real shoes outside of my house.

        And FWIW, it’s tacky to require shoes off if you expect people to walk through your front door, take their shoes off, walk through your house, then walk out into the backyard in socks or bare feet or whatever.

        1. No, literally, I just had to do that last week. Take my shoes off at the front door, walk through the foyer/dining room/kitchen open space, and then out to the backyard. I had to go back for my shoes and got a bit of a frown from the host. Like I can’t even carry my shoes through your house?

          The vast majority of the time I’m showing up to these things out of a sense of obligation, so that experienced eased my burden a little bit, in that I will no longer feel obligated to accept invitations.

          1. That always screams to me that the hostess wants to be thought of as gracious and generous, but they are in fact selfish and thoughtless.

          2. If you want a sympathetic mental explanation (even if it’s not true in a particular case, it can help to think it is, so you’re not running around resentful) – I know multiple people in my hcol city who’s landlords /require/ them to be a shoes-off household and wrote it into the lease. I have friends who feel awkward about telling visitors they really have to take their shoes off, but can’t risk it (and I know it seems unlikely the landlord would find out; but when you’re not sure you could find another apartment that’s not 3x more, you’re risk averse)

          3. That’s interesting; I didn’t know that was possible. I can always save some resentment for landlords! Shows how much faith they have in the construction and the sound insulation of the buildings they choose not to upgrade.

    11. I find it very inhospitable and rude to ask. If you’re going to, make sure to tell people ahead of time. I might decline to attend. If you’re so precious about your house, don’t have a party.

      1. Same. I do decline if I find out ahead of time. I hate being dressed appropriately and then walking around in stocking feet — it is cold and uncomfortable. Also, mildly infantilizing.

        I am a shoes off person in my own home, but if I am hosting, I want people to be comfortable. They can wear their shoes and I will clean more later.

    12. IME, my friends and I tend to take our shoes off when we’re hanging out in someone’s home as a small group (as we’re likely on the couch having a wine and gossip session or something similar which means I’ll end up sitting curled up and thus need to not be wearing shoes). At larger parties, we’re much more likely to be standing (and there’s much more likely to be a spill) so shoes stay on. Plus, it’s just a logistical nightmare to have like 30 pairs of shoes by the door. And people are probably in cute shoes that make the outfit. And, what if someone steals Carrie’s Manolo Blahniks?

      1. >And, what if someone steals Carrie’s Manolo Blahniks?
        Then you’re paying for them, Kyra!

    13. I personally am shoes off in my house 95% of the time, because I find it more comfortable. When people come over and see my shoes by the door I always, always tell them they’re welcome to keep their shoes on – this is by no means a shoes off apartment, it’s just my personal comfort preference to take mine off.

      My best friend has a scar from a childhood foot surgery on her foot and going barefoot is very uncomfortable for her, so she’s always shoes on.

      I only have one friend who is a militant shoe off person. My friends and I tend to slip our shoes off because its our preference. But, if I”m at a big party I’m 100% keeping my shoes on! It just feels weird to be at a bigger party without shoes on – too casual or something?

    14. Cute socks or a pedicure are party necessities, just like breath mints and a hostess gift. I’m not a shoes off person at home but I get it. I think it’s common enough that guests should be prepared without special notice. That’s doubly true if you have foot issues. It’s a very silly thing to get all huffy about. You’ve been invited to someone’s home, the bare minimum you can do is politely abide by their wishes without drama about your arches.

      1. I feel like the reason “gracious host” is an expression and not “gracious guest” is that the host should not be prioritizing their floors over their guests’ comfort. Just tell your guests ahead of time about your shoe policy. It’s not cold fusion. It’s just communication.

        1. I don’t think they’re prioritizing their floors. I think you need to be sensitive that there are a variety of health and cultural reasons why people are shoes off.

      2. I think people should have the choice on what to do with their footwear for a party AND I don’t think every gathering necessitates a hostess gift so…

        1. Ok but some people like to be invited back. Maybe you’re from an areas where people host a lot. I’m not so I appreciate that a lot goes into a party and I’m happy to be a good guest.

    15. I guess prepare to take your shoes off, but no I’d never expect to be told that.

    16. I live in the frozen north, and nobody wants snow, slush, and salt tracked into their house, and I certainly don’t want to wear boots or heavy winter shoes inside either. At least in the winter, the expectation is definitely that you take off shoes at most people’s houses. I do often bring my own slippers, though.

    17. I don’t think it’s a big deal either way. I’d bring socks so I’m prepared but all I was thinking about is the s3x and the city episode.

    18. Keeping shoes off at home is very different from throwing a festive Christmas party and expecting guests to take them off. Hire a cleaning service or don’t host!

      1. I just had about 20 people over this weekend. Not one person offered to take their shoes off, nor would I have asked them to do so. One of the women had the most amazing pair of tall boots on! A great time had by all. Shoes on. My house is fine. It’s been standing for a century and will probably stand for another.

    19. I do, but I’m Asian, have many Asian friends, and live in SF where the streets are literally filthy.

      I always let people know that my home is shoes-off when I host.

      Some hosts will say it’s okay to leave shoes on when they host, but 99% of guests will still take off their shoes. I have terrible feet that need arch support but would never dream of wearing outside shoes in someone’s house. I would suck it up or take my house shoes to change into.

    20. Where I’m from, shoes off is a smaller, more casual “get-together” where people will be sitting around. A “party” means dressing up and a lot of people standing around mingling. It would be rude to wear stilettos that might dig into a floor not meant for stilettos (actual damage), but not to wear other types of heels. Party shoes aren’t really “outdoor” shoes to begin with and not shoes that people would have trekked over while wearing or braved transit with. But yes people might wear their heels between a rideshare and the front door.

      Since most parties are shoes on (even if a household is otherwise shoes off for smaller gatherings), if it’s big holiday party with shoes off I’m used to a warning. Even so I expect more jeans and sweaters if it’s shoes off. I haven’t seen people in blingy party dresses and fuzzy slippers.

  4. Hi Hive. I’ve been dormant a while. We found out last month that my mom has stage 4 cancer. Spread throughout abdomen and reproductive organs. She is doing a round of chemo then surgery but the prognosis isn’t good. I want to know things that will help her but every time I search online, I get overwhelmed and/or cry. I am looking to both answer my questions so my parents don’t have to (like- what are common chemo symptoms) but mostly to come up with ideas that may help ease her pain or symptoms. For example, my best friend suggested a shirt that has a zipper on top to accommodate her chemo port. I never would’ve thought of that. Mom doesn’t have a smartphone or computer so if I spend a little money to maybe find something that helps her, that is what I want to do. If you have any suggestions for simple resources like a book, a particular website, much appreciated. I am also open to suggestions from your personal experiences but please do not be offended if I do not reply. I will read them but I am in the weepy stage of grief, I guess.

    1. I’m so sorry. Give yourself the space to feel the feels and cry the tears. The emotions are normal.
      Skin gets really dry and then during chemo. A thick cream like Gold Bond for Diabetics is great. I put the cream container in the shower so the water warms the cream while I shower; then I don’t have to put cold cream on my warm body.
      Lip balm or vaseline or similar. Keep it around.
      Chemo rooms can be cold. Bring a blanket.
      Chemo patients often are cold even at home. Using heating pads or heated body wraps help a lot.
      Everything can start tasting bad, but sugar may be more palletable than anything else. Our doc said that calories were more important than nutrition during this time. So if your mom will only eat ice cream and hot chocolate, give it to her. Super sweet pre-made protein shakes like the high protein Ensure, can provide good nutrition (get the high protein ones and maybe blend them with ice cream!). If forks and spoons start tasting bad, try plastic ones. Pedialyte or Gatorade is sweet and can help get liquid into the person in treatment. Having her drink through a straw may help her drink more than if she just drinks out of a glass.
      If she likely will lose her hair, go ahead and buy a few soft caps. They’ll help her stay warm and cozy. My mom didn’t do a wig, but she liked her soft caps a lot.
      Soft flannel sheets may also be helpful. Again, she probably will be cold and her skin may get thin.
      Try to keep her moving or remind her to move as much as possible. If she needs to hear it from a PT or an OT, get them involved. If she needs a handicap parking tag for awhile, get her doctor to provide one. If she needs other medical devices such as a shower chair (those are wonderful! cover them with a towel to help them be warmer), a walker, etc., just ask.

      Taking care of a parent in treatment is a lot of work. It’s demanding of your emotional and physical energy. But you will not regret caring for her, regardless of the outcomes. Remember to be her advocate. If you think she needs something, bring it up. Doctors have a lot of patients who they deal with and cannot make each of them the first priority; you have to be your own advocates for her health and treatment.
      Hugs. Please post back, including if you’re struggling with a specific problem. A lot of women here have been through treatment themselves or cared for parents who have. There are probably a lot of solutions floating around this place even if we don’t think to provide them.

      1. Not the OP, but thanks for this, my mom just started chemo too and this is really helpful. Appreciate you taking the time to type this out and she was too.

    2. Hugs — my mom had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and we had a year with her. I got her an iPad and iPen and she enjoyed using those for watching BritBox and doing facebook and e-mail / texting her friends. I got her a subscription for BritBox and maybe YouTube TV so she could lie down and watch and bring to chemo.

      Is your mom getting a port for chemo (chemo destroys your veins)? She may need wider-necked shirts (like a scoop neck) and scarves to help keep warm.

      I would also: get a durable POA for her for for someone she and you trust and do NOT have it be springing. You don’t want to be arguing about competency when someone needs to decide or pay something. Have the same for healthcare POA / living will / etc.

      Also: get birth certificates, marriage certificates, etc. and know where they are. Know what safe deposit boxes are out there. In January, you’ll need to make sure she gets her 1099s (etc.) and files taxes and then keep an eye on that stuff because you may need to do a final return without her.

      Know what her assets are and if she could pay for a nursing home / hospice and what her wishes might be. Sometimes you can access life insurance or cash out annuities with certain diagnoses or if you have entered a residential hospice.

      So many details. But the port, POA, etc. are key. Also, “The King of All Maladies” is an excellent book about the history of human understanding of cancer.

      1. Lots of good advice. I would wait on the King of All Maladies. Not quite the right time for what the OP needs right now.

        1. As a non-health care person, it helped me understand the vocabulary of chemo and approaches (radiation, chemo, surgery) and how the different cancers have different profiles and approaches.

          1. You can learn that on facebook groups for your cancer, handouts from your cancer center, support groups, doctor and support staff, and many accessible places online. A 500 page verbose tome is not ….. practical for most people, when stressed and upset and stretched to the limit. I suspect you are unique here.

    3. My only experience is with my FIL who had chemo for colon cancer… I got him a seatbelt cushion from Etsy to make wearing seatbelts across his lap more comfortable. If you go to Etsy or Amazon and look up “chemo” I’ll bet you’ll find a lot of things and within those 2 stores they won’t overwhelm or make you weepy.

    4. they have small rectangular pillows that cushion the port area so a seat belt doesnt dig in and hurt that area, book if she is religious When God & Cancer Meet, it is about people with advanced cancer who have had wonderful experiences and people who helped them -highly recommend. Call American Cancer Society or Google for your city/state for resources for you mothers specific type of cancer(s). Gildas Club is a wonderful free resource and is changing their name to Cancer Support Community, everything from support groups, financial programs , yoga, improv, library of cancer related books. Blessings to you both and prayers for healing and comfort!

  5. I am beyond disgusted that this morning someone wrote “’ll be frank, I resent the women Fr m my law school class who used the same charms they used to get their rich husbands to get their BigLaw jobs in the fall of 2L, took multiple maternity leaves and then quit a few years in once married with a kid. And I am not the partner who hired them, I am the person who either didn’t get the school admission, didn’t get the job despite graduating with better grades and skills, or had to pick up the slack during their leaves and again when they resigned. Of course everyone is entitled to make decisions about their own lives, and I appreciate that OP is going to do something me charitable work with all her free time, but I do have feelings about this and I am free to make some judgments, too.” —— WTF?!? I have two ivy league degrees (one undergrad, one law school) and many friends from both of these schools and i literally do not know anyone who had some kind of conniving plan to charm their way into Big Law with the plan to then quit later. Maybe some hoped to go in-house, but literally all of my friends from college still work and everyone from law school, with the exception of one person that I can think of. It also wasn’t that hard to get a Big Law associate job from a top tier law school. I did meet my husband in college, but I didn’t go into college with that plan. My friends who met their husbands in college also didn’t have that plan. Many have ended up in different careers than what they thought at age 19 (including myself). Life happens, actually having kids to juggle with a career is very different than I thought it would be. I (briefly) thought I’d want to be a SAHM, but my maternity leaves were SO boring. But sometimes people have kids with special needs or they work with sh*tty people. Earlier this week there was a discussion about whether success in life is based on luck or in our control, and while we can all make the best decisions we have with the information we have at the time, stuff happens.

    1. It was a moment of honesty. I’m sure it is frustrating to see people take all of the opportunities and not make full use of them. I don’t begrudge the commenter their feelings on this.

      1. My frustration is more with careers that don’t offer enough flexibility. So many careers are still built as a default around what men have to offer when. Men are candles that burn bright and fast; they have a lot to give and are very energetic when they’re young, and employers try to harvest all that energy towards the beginning of their careers. A lot of the health conditions they’re at risk for aren’t disabling until they’re older, or they’re asymptomatic until they’re acutely severe.

        If the workforce were built around women, I think the timelines would all look different. Pregnancies are healthiest when we’re younger, and while some Amazons apparently do just fine, TTC and pregnancy is rough on a lot of people! And statistically women deal with more chronic conditions earlier in life that are energy limiting. But women have resilience and in my opinion tend to peak much later in their careers. I think we see this already in career paths that offer more flexibility or when luck just has it this way.

        1. Such an interesting perspective, I hadn’t heard that before. Can you recommend any more reading on it? Thank you!

        2. I love this perspective! And, YES, that’s what I want! I want to have a career, and have a family, and I want to be able to have a career in a way that works with the ebbs and flows of family life. What really bothered me about the discussion yesterday was the assumption that being a SAHM was a one-way off-ramp, not a season of life. But so many jobs are build with only one-way off-ramps (including mine).

    2. The entire comment section this morning was a hot steaming pile of misogyny. Half of the folks appeared to think they are the only woman on earth capable of making valid choices, and other women are just stereotypes or bumbling fools who need to have their “delusions shattered”.

      I do not remember this being the tone here even 5 years ago.

      1. Yeah, that thread was intensely conservative in ways that showed me how women are their own enemies.

        1. Explain the conservative piece? Conservative principles would encourage women to stay home and depend on a partner, right? The comments this morning were very plainly relaying what commenters have seen in their own social sphere and giving a real warning to women to be careful.

          It’s a luxury to opt out of work. But if you don’t have something of your own to fall back on, it’s also an incredible risk.

          1. I think they meant little c conservative — like the adopted way of approaching family, work, and life is the only acceptable approach, and anyone who does not take that approach is either bad or dumb.

            It’s very antithetical to the more liberal idea that we should trust adults to make their own decisions based on their own experiences and intelligence. It is, ironically, pretty paternalistic and condescending.

          3. I meant “conservative” in its most foundational sense — that is, there is one path to be “conserved.” We have to allow for multiple paths, changes and shifts, and do so without scorn. Ideally.

            I don’t actually think there was a “real warning to be careful,” although it’s certainly good advice to have financial agency. What I read was people (conservatively) fetishizing ivy educations and touting work — white collar, well remunerated, traditionally ambitious work — as the only legible measure of success.

        1. Yeah, but that comment has tons of women pushing back on it. The comments yesterday were not getting nearly as much pushback.

    3. “But I do have feelings about this and am free to make some judgments, too” — it’s that second part that’s just pure nastiness. You’re “free” to say and think whatever you like, sure. And feelings come up. But the response is vicious. For me, that thread exposed how many people think of their own lives as standard and have very little imagination, empathy, or room for other modes of existence.

      1. I don’t think of my life as “standard.” Far from it. I think of being a mom m and working part-time or not at all as standard. And people of all capabilities can desire that standard life. It just seems wrong no for someone who wants standard to also collect career-making.opportunities they never intend to capitalize on. I can guarantee law school professors are not thrilled to meet top grads who got scholarship money who left the profession 3-5 years in.

        1. I can guarantee (as a professor myself) that law school professors 100% do not give a shit.

    4. If everyone you know from law school is still working, and no one you know had a conniving plan to go into BigLaw with the intention to quit upon securing the highly-paid husband, then your experience is very different from mine and the comment was not aimed at you or your classmates.

      1. I do not know a single woman with a “conniving plan.” I certainly know women with hopes, dreams, ambitions, and desires. How cynical and misogynistic to characterize those as “conniving plans.” This isn’t a daytime soap.

        1. Oh, man, I worked at a law firm that was like a soap. Like telenovela drama. Blondie was married, had kids. Moved out and in with Dude (also married, kids; co-worker). Then I guess she got pregnant and moved home. Her SM is all rainbows and unicorns and she was a SAHM for a long time. We went to the same school and live in the same city, so I am always bumping into her. Our kids are in the same school and do the same activities. Dude went back to wife, then to other co-worker (Blondie 2), who went to Other Dude (also co-worker). But on social media, it’s all Tradwife and Tradbro.

          1. Sounds like a group of people without even the basic foundations of a plan, let alone a “conniving” one.

        2. On the way into the pre-interview cocktail party: “Don’t stand by me tonight. 3L told me looks matter to these guys. We’ll all do better on our own.”

          1. (1) I just fundamentally don’t believe anything about this anecdote, and (2) even if the story were true and even if this rising 2L was saying “let’s use these guys’ misogyny against them tonight,” that is WILDLY different from claiming there are women who “have a conniving plan to go into BigLaw with the intention to quit upon securing the highly-paid husband.”

          2. Meanwhile, they studied at the med school and business school and brunched at the Ritz Carlton on the weekends and openly discussed how our state is a good one to practice in since the rules don’t blanket prohibit dating clients “with all the money.”

          4. Who brunches at the Ritz Carlton anyway? Though maybe I’m just thinking about the one in Pentagon City and am not intrigued.

          5. You are free to not believe my true story.

            Not Pentagon City. Definitely not. And unfortunately it was actually me who unintentionally gave them the Ritz idea.

    5. It’s ok to express real and honest thoughts in an anonymous forum. It’s also ok to express your disagreement or push back on those thoughts.

      1. It’s my impression that some commenters believe that if a woman has made a choice, it’s a good one that must be revered and respected.

        Some people make dumb choices and if they seek validation on the internet they might not get it. But no one is actually stopping them from making their choices and it isn’t a “steaming pile of misogyny” to call out very obvious pitfalls.

        1. It is a steaming pile of misogyny to assume that you have a better read on the pitfalls than the woman who is actually making the choice. Why would you think you’re better positioned to evaluate that than she is? It’s the same energy as “we should require her to undergo pre-abortion education because some women regret their abortions.” Trust women to make choices, FFS.

    6. What was interesting to me about this thread and this morning’s thread was how “Big Law” and law school-focused it was. I know this board skews toward lawyers (or at least that’s my perception) but that world has its own idiosyncrasies that are too often extrapolated to describe working women more generally.

      1. I don’t think it’s that deep. I made comments about the attitudes of many men in Big Law because that’s my personal background. I would assume a lot of what I said applies to men in Big Finance, consulting and other Big Jobs, but I don’t have personal experience in those fields.

        1. The “Big Jobs” moniker is what’s obnoxious — I get that it’s shorthand, but it’s so so so so stupid.

          And of course you’re writing from your own experience. That’s not the issue, nor is it “that deep.” My point was simply that the discussions here — including this one — are nowhere close to universal, yet they come across as such.

          1. Yeah I find the big jobs moniker slightly annoying too but there isn’t a good substitute (that I know of) to describe jobs at that type of top tier law/finance/consulting firm. I don’t think the Big Law experience is universal by any means (and am very happy to no longer be in Big Law myself) but I’m guessing a lot of it applies to consultants at MBB firms, which was OP and her husband. So I think it was relevant to that thread.

    7. Isn’t that the antiquated argument that kept women out of med school and law school and other professional career paths? If we admit her, she’s taking the slot away from a man who needs it to support his family, and she’s just going to quit when she gets married anyway.

      1. It is. And having women live up to that stereotype isn’t helping to smash it. Nor is having the profession and the patriarchy that formed it lack flexibility to make working motherhood viable and appealing.

      2. Yes, and hating the woman instead of hating the system is fundamentally misogynistic. The idea that women are conniving snakes who are just going to law school to find a rich husband is misogynistic. The idea that women need to keep participating in a system that turns out not to be a good fit for them because law professors might be disappointed in how scholarship funds were distributed (?!) is misogynistic.

        Create meaningful opportunities for women. Accept that some portion of women will choose to opt out when they have kids. Create meaningful ramps back onto the ladder for those women. And for the love of fuck, trust that each individual woman is best positioned to make the best choice for herself and does, in fact, have a more complete view of her own life situation than a random poster on the internet who read two short paragraphs about it.

        2. I mean, I’ve seen lots of grown adults make really awful decisions all on their own. They could have benefitted from good advice.

          1. If they actually ask you for advice, you should of course feel free to offer it.

        4. I don’t share the sentiment of that original poster that others have seized opportunities I might have otherwise had and then squandered them by dropping out of the workforce.

          However, and perhaps this is ugly, the idea of women who stopped working for years while I stuck it out returning at my level through a reentry pathway with little or no penalty for that choice makes me uncomfortable. They were at the top of their game before kids, but so was I. I can’t be the only working mom who is less of a rockstar since the kids came along. The women who had the bucks to not work are given further structural advantages? That feels fundamentally unfair.

          1. I get it.

            I posted about this in the morning thread, but I left big law as a senior associate real partnership prospects. I would be completely happy to return with the title and salary of a fourth or fifth year and work my way back up to that position, since my client contacts may have moved on and I’m sure my skills are rusty. No firm gives me that option. Hell, no firm would even take me on as a first year.

            I don’t want to take a slot from someone who’s been grinding for a decade and is almost partner. I just want the opportunity to get back on the ladder at a lower rung and prove I still can grind. And I want that to be a realistic option for all lawyers, not just me.

    10. After you have been passed over for promotion ‘because the women we have given it to have left to be a SAHM’ you too would become jaded.

      The problem isn’t the women choosing to leave to be a SAHM. The problem is that men are deciding another woman’s choices reflect the choices available to me just because I too am a woman and that very few men are prioritizing their families and becoming SAHFs.

      I’m a single lone mother and at every turn I’m being ripped off despite being the one person who needs a bit of help sometimes. To give an example, I’ve got a problem with my car and it’s being fixed at the dealership. Why is it a shock to people that I only have one car and, no, the small car the dealership are offering as a loaner does not work for me. I came in with a ford explorer so loaning a tiny Fred Flintstone car isn’t going to work. Meanwhile, the guy and his wife, both 50+ with no children, who came in at the same time as me was given a Ford Explorer as a loaner.

      1. Yeah, it’s the systemic issues that are the problem; here, those issues are being pinned upon individual women. Also, the scorn and nastiness directed at SAHMs is matched only by the smugness of people who have stayed in their jobs. The self-importance about very specific kinds of jobs on this board is incredibly navel-gazing and unaware of how anyone outside of the small circle of like-situated folks feels, thinks, or acts.

  6. Two questions – one objective and one marriage question.

    Any harm to consuming a few bad pistachios? I mean like 3-4 individual nuts not a bag full? DH and I were snacking, grabbed 3-4 each, and as we ate them realized they were soft and kind of bitter. Spit them out. I moved on with it, grabbed some peanuts and crackers and put them on the same plate and that was that. DH OTOH is acting like it’s the end of the world – washing hands, rinsing mouth, now going on about how if it’s mold maybe we should throw out everything else in that cabinet?? I guess his worry is even if you spit them out, there’s no guarantee you didn’t consume some small piece.

    FWIW this bag has been open for a few weeks and when I went to open it, I noticed the ziplock wasn’t sealed well from the last time I opened it a day or two ago, and that bag was in a cabinet right next to the stove -so I’m guessing heat coming off of the stove had some effect.

    And marriage question for those of you who have anxiety or are married to someone with health anxiety, how do you let your partner’s anxiety NOT affect you? I do have some mild anxiety but am also able to get on with it – i.e. in this case spit out the bad food, eat something else. But not going to lie DH going on and on about mold ingestion for the last few hours is making me nervous. We have some extended holiday time off coming up for which we are not traveling though we’ll have my parents over for some of it – I really can’t deal with weeks of freaking out over every little potential health thing.

      1. Seems like some of the second wave feminists here aspire to be like the men who divorce their spouse once they learn something’s wrong with them!

        OP, it doesn’t sound like your husband understands food spoilage very well, but I’m not sure that accurate information would be helpful if he’s generally anxious (it might just be more information to be anxious about). But it may be helpful for you to just look up the actual information on this (I’m not going to summarize it in case you’d prefer not to though!).

        I don’t know if he could benefit from therapy to understand why this has such high emotional stakes for him, or if he needs to be more in contact with a healthcare provider who can advise or refer him for treatment? Going on for hours about anything isn’t fair to you, and if you’ve asked him to knock it off and he literally can’t, then he needs help.

    2. Maybe it’s just because I grew up with a houseful of brothers but in my home growing up, a teenager would have eaten a few dozen of them before being like hmm do these taste off, try these, before offering them to 4 other people who’d all eat a couple before deciding they were stale or whatever. I just think the level of caution your DH requires is not necessary. To really throw out the crackers or chips because they resided in the same cupboard? Just an anxious waste of time and money.

    3. He gets therapy (and maybe medication) for his severe anxiety. Or you decide whether you can live like this for the rest of your life. It’s not going to improve without professional help.

    4. Just don’t tell him about this sort of thing?

      But also — I was married to someone with health OCD who was also a jerk. He got therapy that really helped with the health OCD part. It, unfortunately, did not touch the jerk part. I also did individual counseling with a therapist who saw partners of people with OCD, which was very helpful in understanding what boundaries are helpful vs harmful with people with OCD, and also helped me understand that most people with OCD don’t routinely call their wives the c word for letting produce go bad. His therapist suggested the name of my therapist. We got divorced, but that was because of the jerk issue, not the OCD issue.

      Health OCD and health anxiety can be very similar. Either way, I think you should encourage him to talk to someone, and if he won’t, you should call a therapist who specializes in OCD/anxiety and ask if they also see partners of people with it. It really, really, really helped me.

    5. I have health anxiety bad enough to be on medication for it, and this is an extreme overreaction even to me.

      Is he getting treatment for his anxiety? The fact that he doesn’t seem to even acknowledge that his fixation on the pistachios is anxiety-based and not reality-based makes me think no. Meds and therapy have helped me tremendously.

      This also reminds me of a dynamic I had with my ex-husband. He wasn’t anxious, but depressed, and every in depth conversation would circle back to how terrible the state of the world was and how we were all doomed. I hated it, and while it wasn’t the main reason I divorced him, it was a massive weight lifted when we separated. That kind of thing can really eat away at the other person.

    6. Random question as I’m a newlywed dealing with something similar with my DH though less extreme – how come this stuff comes out more at home in front of spouses than out in the world? I mean say he had been on a business trip with a work team or in front of a client and grabbed and ate something that was obviously bad. He’d maybe be able to discretely spit it out but sometimes you may have to even consume it because you can’t spit in front of a client. And then you’d push that food aside and grab something else not to make a scene and move on with the next part of the conversation. Yet at home my DH like yours will obsess and obsess and not care if he’s ruining my evening with his worry. I’ve asked DH this and get a shrug.

      Since marrying DH I’ve become a big proponent of living with one’s spouse pre marriage – it’s not done in my culture and everyone always acts like it’s just about living habits or cleanliness but really certain anxieties and behaviors only come out when living together.

      1. Well or not living with them after marriage. Sometimes I feel like the only reason not to have my own space is being cheap!

        1. I have two ladies on my street who each does not live with her husband. At least for one of them it’s a second marriage, not sure about the other one. They travel and socialize with their husbands, but do not live with them. The closest neighbor’s husband has his own place two blocks away. Tbh I kind of like the idea. They seem happy.

          1. I could get my own cat even though my husband’s cat hates all other cats. I’ve definitely thought about it.

          2. That sounds kind of nice to be honest. My husband is a really good roommate – he just did a deep clean of our house for my book club holiday gathering. But I would love love love my own bathroom!

      2. These anxieties come out when living together because they know they socially unacceptable so they hide them until you’re stuck

      3. A more charitable take is that they feel more comfortable around you and possibly they’re out of energy from managing the anxiety by the end of the day. Like kids who act out around their parents when they get home from school. I’m not at all saying this is an excuse for an adult. My husband does this too and it’s driving me up the wall. But I am trying to be more understanding of where it comes from.

    7. Eating the pistachios is fine. Like another (very funny!) commenter said, my family would have eaten the bag, wondered at the off-taste and off-texture, and shrugged. It’s really fine.

      Your DH needs meds. I say that because *I* was your DH, and it’s miserable for him and for you and not great for your partnership. Gently, kindly, but firmly tell him that he needs to address this issue, for his sake, your sake, and your marriage’s sake. And (in my experience), meds really work for this. I’m so happy I got help, and it’s really made a difference for me and my family.

      Good luck to you.

      1. I think this is a great, kind response. Not sure about the meds but the DH definitely needs to see somebody about his anxiety.

      2. +1. I have severe anxiety and OCD, and I would not be a good person to live with without my meds.

    8. When I decide to eat something questionable (like left over guacamole), my husband will avoid eating it and we will watch me for the next 24hrs. This way, we avoid a simultaneous death.

      Unfortunately, you both ate the bad thing so…

      2. That chocolate bar is looking past its prime, Babe. I’ll take the hit, you stay safe.

    9. I have OCD and really freak out about bad food, and (counterintuitively) Reddit and other forums make me feel better. Usually 90% of people say they’ve done this and it’s fine, and it’s just calming enough for me that I can proceed with my day. I wouldn’t say I “move on” but it takes the edge off.

      And I suppose if people were unequivocal that this was an emergency, I’d go to urgent care. But that has never happened.

      1. In that vein, here is a general rule I learned at some point: apparently a healthy human body is equipped to deal with almost every plant based food, including those that are a little moldy or rotten. It’s bad meat or fish where you want to be most cautious.

        2. This is definitely not true. There are plenty of plant and fungal toxins that can kill you (plants are much more toxic than animals, as they can’t run away, so producing toxins is one of the main ways they avoid getting eaten) and you can just as easily die from E. coli or another bacteria in produce as you can in meat.

          And like I mentioned below, the molds that grow on nuts in particular are especially likely to be toxic, so I really wouldn’t eat moldy nuts. This is much more of a concern in countries that aren’t the US (partially due to climate and partially due to testing and regulations), but these molds kill a lot of people every year, mostly by causing liver cancer, but sometimes through acute poisoning.

        3. I’m late but this is fake news!!! The most dangerous toxins grow on starches, especially rice, extremely quickly. Don’t eat rice that’s been sitting on a buffet for an hour.

    10. So to be fair, I’m definitely a lot more paranoid about bad nuts than about most things because they’re at high risk of aflatoxins, which are carcinogenic and can cause liver damage. But that’s still not something you worry about from 3-4 nuts. I’d toss the bag and be done with it (and I’m a microbiologist).

    12. He’s mentally ill and needs help and idk why people put up with this nonsense. “Babe, this is insane. Deal with it silently or go to therapy.” Dick cannot be that good

    13. I wouldn’t worry about the health concern at all ESPECIALLY about other things in the cabinet; but if there’s mold, I really do think it spreads even before you see it on the other items, and I can imagine cleaning the cupboard from that perspective? Like if I pull a moldy orange out of the bag, I wash the good ones with a little dish soap, because otherwise they also go moldy quickly

  7. Paging the person who asked about St. Martin with an 11 month old — do it! Our easiest and most relaxing family vacation with kids under the age of 5 or so was Turks and Caicos with a 9 month old. We had a condo on the beach and took turns snorkeling during the baby’s nap time, and when baby was awake we all played in the pool or at the beach or went out to eat together. It was the only vacation we took with a little kid that didn’t feel that different than kid-free vacations.

    And St. Martin is great, probably my very favorite Caribbean island. We love Grand Case Beach Club, which has oceanfront rooms, two sheltered beaches, a pool and is walking distance from lots of good restaurants and shops in the village of Grand Case.

    1. I’m a nerd, but sitting on the beach in St Maarten watching planes come in and out was 100% my favorite part of the Caribbean cruise I went on a while back.

        1. As extra info – the Royal Islander La Plage complex right by Maho beach (the one with the planes) is a really nice little timeshare resort, with nice 1 and 2 bedroom condos. You can book online and rates are reasonable (no hard sales pitch at all). The pool is really nice with a great view of the ocean and incoming planes. Maho Village right there has a lot of stores and restaurants. We’ve been there several times over the years and just love it.

  8. What do you do to get over a stupid mistake? I failed to proofread and sent an email with three typos. The partner on the file caught it before I did and called and coached me on it. (Kindly.) I’m a 6th year and have not done this since I was a 1st year. I am embarrassed. And opposing counsel probably thinks I’m an idiot. And I just want to hide in a hole for a while.

    1. I am actually wondering if this is a fake comment… but I also think this might be real so I will reply honestly. You just forgive yourself, move on and stop thinking about it. These things happen, it’s not a moral failing or something you even need to take any particular lesson from. Save your energy for things that actually matter.

      Also in pretty much any workplace other than yours, an email with three typos would be one of the better-written ones. I am no stranger to obsessing over small errors but I would not even have noticed this happening.

    2. I don’t think that other comment was from a lawyer , and especially not from one at a firm.

      I am a lawyer at a firm, so let me just say: if you’re having one bad email every five years, you are doing great. Take it as a sign you’re exhausted or need to slim your docket slightly at most. It is in no way a character flaw.

      As for how to move forward, here’s my mentality. I was once invited to a luncheon honoring some public interest fellows…except the sender called them pubic interest fellows. The invitation probably went to several thousand people based on the distribution lists of the organization that sent it, and it was sent by someone I know is exceptionally competent. So I figure if a very competent person can invite me to a pubic interest luncheon, I can misspell a deponent’s name once every few years or whatever.

      1. Love that there’s a typo in my comment! I do not proofread my comments here, and it shows sometimes.

    3. Take a hot bath and go to sleep
      Everything will be better in the morning

      You’re doing fine

    4. I empathize – The Fear and expectations of perfection in BigLaw are something else! But if you’re normally turning out great “clean” work then this will not matter at all by Monday.

    5. I posted a while back when I accidentally sent an email calling someone “Mr. Alcohol” his name is one letter different from a very popular brand of alcohol (I picked a fake example for my post, I don’t remember what it was though maybe amaretto?) but spell check beat me and I didn’t notice when it auto corrected the guys name to the alcohol name.

      I just fixed the spelling the next round of the email chain and no one ever brought it up but I was mortified for a week and was so embarassed, which is silly because all my colleagues make significantly more errors than I do and I’d never fault them for this.

    6. Agree that this a normal BigLaw worry, but also a sign you’re doing things right since this error stands out so much. Also a good sign the partner was willing to address it with you directly – kind feedback is a gift – and you took ownership to ensure it won’t happen again.

    7. I was the moderator of a listserv with about 400 people for several years. When I prioritized perfection over sending out information, the information was delayed. I finally decided that I email people all day and some of those emails will have typos.

      1. did you work in Biglaw? This kind of obsessing over small mistakes is really normal. Partners emphasize that clients, who are probably paying something like $750 an hour for OP’s time, don’t want sloppy work for that money. But someone with a good reputation is not going to take a big hit for the occasional dumb mistake.

        1. Thank you Cat. This is my exact situation. My billable rate is $1,100/hour. I know what happened – the email was revised 4x on Friday, different authors, I made very last-minute changes per a phone call with a junior partner, and I didn’t proof the entire thing again. The opposing party regularly accuses our client of “reckless” behavior and I definitely felt crappy for anything that looks like our representation is sloppy or subpar. I appreciate the reminder that overall I’ll be OK (not fireable) and I’m trying to remember to slow down next time this happens!

        2. “But someone with a good reputation is not going to take a big hit for the occasional dumb mistake.“

          Hence needing a thicker skin. You’re not going to last long if you lose it over an email.

          1. If OP’s billable rate is $1100, they are not a junior and they’re lasting just fine.

          2. on the contrary I think OP has lasted (she said above she’s a 6th year) BECAUSE she’s normally so attentive to detail that making mistakes like this is unusual and called out. It’s not thin-skinned to be the type of associate who doesn’t want to turn out any sloppy work or worry a partner will think less of you for it – just good to keep it in perspective rather than worry for weeks!

    1. Pretty mugs. I’m a firm believer that you will fail to get the actual hobby or interest right unless you share it, but you can nail something adjacent.

    3. When I was a student, I was gifted a burr grinder and it was a lovely gift that I still used daily. But someone who is serious about coffee and has the budget for one probably already has one! My mom was delighted with a hand grinder for when her power goes out, but I don’t think I’d ever use one. There’s a cute Stanley pour over set that’s been popular on Christmas lists this fall for people who camp.

      If they’re very, very into coffee, no-bypass brewers are the trend right now. I don’t have one but would love to play around with one if I did.

      If you live in the same city, I’m sure they already know all the best roasters around. But if you live somewhere different, a sampler of a few ounces each of the best third wave coffee from roasters near you could be really fun. I feel if someone gives me a whole 12-16 ounce bag of something I won’t want to drink (usually because it’s flavored or very dark roast), but I’ll drink one or two cups of anything and love to try new coffees.

      1. I feel bad* I meant to write. One of my favorite things to do when traveling is trying the locally popular single origin coffees; what’s trendy can vary a lot, but it’s all good.

      2. If he doesn’t have an electric kettle that can hit specific temperatures, that is another upgrade I would like (I have an electric kettle but it doesn’t tell me what temp the water is or hold at specific temps).

    4. How well do you know this person? I love good coffee – I mean, REALLY love good coffee – and there is only one other human on this planet who understands my specific tastes well enough that I would actually appreciate coffee gifts from them.

      The sentiment would be nice from others, but I’d rather they not go with that theme. I don’t need more mugs (god no, so many mugs) or travel thermoses, there is no brewing equipment I don’t already have, unless the beans are truly unique and amazing I’m just going to regift them.

    6. One caution about gifting actual coffee: for people who love good coffee, it’s a perishable that’s consumed within just a few weeks of the roasting date. This can make coffee itself hard to gift since it’s easy to end up with too much to use before it goes stale.

  10. I’m thinking about taking basic Spanish 1 at my local community college next semester. I’m a partner at a law firm but night class is 1/week (6-9p) and I would audit it (don’t care about a grade). Anyone done anything like this? Is it a bad idea? I took it in high school but that’s decades back, I have downloaded apps but never “do” it on my own. Not looking to become a pro, but see if I enjoy it and then would maybe stay enrolled next term, too.

    1. I love taking classes after work. Why not do it? You can always miss if your work is busy.

    2. The show “Community” starts with the premise of the characters meeting at a community college Spanish class and it gets pretty surreal from there

      I took a language class at community college the summer before I went abroad, over 20 years ago. The teacher was great, the class was small, but the exam was completely different from what I had studied. It was an Arabic class and the font of the exam was really different from my textbook and workbook. I felt comfortable starting conversations in the new country but I think I got a D in the class because of the exam style but I didn’t care much

    3. I can’t see any reason why it would be a bad idea? It sounds like a great idea, to me, to get you in a learning mode against, just for fun, in an entirely different world from your usual one. (Both the classroom world and the Spanish-language world.)

    4. I don’t know what is available where you live, but I have taken several Spanish classes at the Latin American Association in my city. Classes are evening or weekends and very affordable, plus there are opportunities for conversation with native speakers learning English. Highly recommend.

  12. The discussion about SAHMs over the last couple of days reminded me of the 2003 NY Times article by Lisa Belkin about the “Opt-Out Revolution” and the follow-up as to the featured women in 2013. Here are gift links for the 2003 article and the 2013 follow-up article, along with a couple of links to commentary around it (for those who didn’t see this the first time around and those who, like me, only vaguely remembered it).

    2003 article

    https://www.nytimes.com/2003/10/26/magazine/the-opt-out-revolution.html?unlocked_article_code=1.hU4.T3KE.9nUTvO9F63rq&smid=url-share

    2013 follow-up

    https://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/magazine/the-opt-out-generation-wants-back-in.html?unlocked_article_code=1.hU4.4R6T.8bTA-VFi4Tj1&smid=url-share

    Commentary

    https://nyti.ms/3Zw1x4G

    https://nyupress.org/blog/2013/08/14/the-opt-out-revolution-ten-years-later/

    1. Thank you, this is interesting. I do know women who opted out and then went into teaching (often at their child/children’s school though sometimes online). Quite a few of the SAHMs I know are homeschooling and very involved in that. And I know some women who went part time (three quarter time or set their own schedule).

  13. Thoughts on working as a fractional general counsel? I am an in-house attorney now and am wondering how fractional work would compare. I am someone who tends to get bored easily and am wondering if this wouldn’t be a good fit.

    1. the part that would keep me up at night about this is the GC is typically well versed in not only the company’s industry but also the company’s internal politics. how could you give really good nuanced advice with a fractional role?

  14. I’m looking for some couple-related financial advice. My husband and I have different financial styles. For me, financial freedom means having a clear budget, knowing our savings and investments are on track, and spending what remains on things we enjoy. For him, financial freedom means not having to keep track of money. He has more expensive hobbies and so spends more than I do (nothing crazy, but I am monk-like in my spending, so his music-related interests look expensive by comparison). I’d like to allocate more of our discretionary funds to savings/investments, but this would mean that he would have to keep track of what he spends and limit it. If I’m honest, I’m also a bit frustrated because I earn twice the salary but feel like I don’t have an equal say in how the money gets spent. Any advice? Either approaches or specific tools would be helpful.

    1. For me, financial freedom means not having to keep track of money. For me, this means that I spend less because I’d rather not have expensive hobbies than have to pay for everything I enjoy with time spent in a spreadsheet.

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