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Cornellian
This is the 16th day in a row I’ll bill 14+ hours, and be at work ~16-17.
I actually like the work and my coworkers and feel generally appreciated, which is amazing, but in the last day or two I’ve become impatient and angry with everything else in the world. I want to yell at pedestrians for walking so slowly when i’m trying to get home for four hours of sleep (again), and shove my dog away for wanting attention from me, and ream out younger associates for not following simple instructions like “E-mail this to [address] when complete”. I feel like I can’t shut my brain off when I get home, so even if I have 6 hours to sleep, I get to sleep 4. I haven’t done anything nasty or rash yet, but I obviously don’t want to, either. Is it just sleep deprivation? Maybe I’m just making my identity too tied to the work?
mascot
Please tell me that this is driven by a big project rather than by some death wish . It’s sleep deprivation and stress/adrenaline. Getting away for an hour or two to get some exercise, eat a proper meal, walk the dog, just generally get the heck out of the office would help. Even if you like the work, you won’t be able to do it if you get burned out.
Cornellian
Yes, big project! Hopefully it will slow down soon so I can take a weekend off.
Homestar
+1. You cannot keep up this schedule indefinitely, nor does it sound like you want to. If you are working on a deadline, just focus on that and try to take some time off once the deadline is done. (Even just for an afternoon can help.) If this is just normal work insanity, then you have to make it stop. Say no to some projects, do some projects poorly/slowly (within reason) so that your work in that area slows, talk to your supervisor, whatever it is is you need to do at your workplace to catch a break. If you are well-liked at your work (sounds like you are if you are so busy) and you like your job, you are better off ruffling a few feathers than burning out and leaving the job entirely.
petitesq
Definitely the first, and possibly the second. I think most of us suffer from the second, but you don’t seem to be having issues related to that. When you’re in that phase of a work week/month, I think it’s like having an exposed nerve ending — EVERYTHING affects you, and you are so emotionally and physically spent, you don’t have any tolerance left. I wish I had helpful suggestions other than “this too shall [eventually] pass,” and internet hugs and tea, but know that you are not alone – we all go through those periods from time to time – and you are not a nasty person. Just survive – get through it, then give yourself time to recuperate. And maybe bring some creature comfort things to the office. I’m thinking fuzzy socks at least.
Susedna
+1 “like having an exposed nerve ending,” Yes. This exactly. Well put.
(Hang in there, Cornellian!)
CW
It’s definitely sleep deprivation. If work is this crazy, can you arrange for parents/friends to watch your dog, or can you board your dog for a while? I know it sounds awful, but this past year was terrible for me and I had to have someone else watch my dog while my husband was away because I couldn’t take care of her due to my hours.
And I hear you on getting less sleep than you actually could get. Your brain needs time to shut off. Perhaps developing a nighttime routine that relaxes you could work. I usually take 30 minutes to get ready for bed: washing my face, taking my contacts out, flossing, moisturizing, etc.
Anonymous
Oh my god! This sounds like me at the do diliegeience session’s! You have to tell YOUR Manageing partner that it is to much. I did and now I am here and Madeline is in Saint Louis with Jim and his stinkey breathe! FOOEY!
I love this blouse. If she has a matching schrunchie it could be me but the Manageing partner does not want any schrunchies in court b/c he thinks the judge prefers women with “ample hair” and not pulled back or in an updo. Silly men! But yay if that’s what I need to win!!!
I am wearing Nike s to work now b/c I am loosening weight with my fitbit. YAY! Pretty soon I will be a size 4 again and my dad will stop with the email reminder’s about my tuchus! It did not stop Gonzalo from commenteing. Yay!
cbackson
Are you me? I’m really struggling with the degree to which my limited time and general state of exhaustion leads me to be sharp with opposing counsel, junior associates, partners, my cleaning lady…not sure what to do about it, other than forcing myself to re-read emails so that I’m not coming off as a total jerk.
InfoGeek
Article in today’s news — “Women suffering from stress-related exhaustion exhibit hypersensitivity to sounds”
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130115085533.htm
Nancy P
I totally get like this — irritable with cab drivers, my cats, staff people — and I hate it. Try to do one nice thing for yourself each day, like listening to your favorites playlist on your ipod, or treating yourself to a milkshake with dinner (it is TOTALLY efficient to consume vast quantities of calories through a straw because you can keep working) or look at Suri’s Burn Book for 5 minutes.
EO
A friend once gave me great advice to get through these periods that I’ve used ever since (and found extremely effective) — sometimes 30min or an hour of pure “vegetation” is more valuable than sleep. The temptation is to run home and try to get in bed as quickly as possible (at least it was for me), but instead I got home and made myself watch a single episode of TV and then go to bed. Made me feel like I’d had some “me” time, got me out of the cycle of only thinking about work and sleeping, and I honestly felt better than if I’d just hopped straight into bed and tried to sleep sooner. Don’t know if it works for everyone, but it’s gotten me through more than a few of these rough patches.
long time lurker
YES. I do this no matter how late I work, I either watch cable news, John Stewart, sitcom reruns or read random light fiction on my kindle, and sometimes have a glass of wine or bit of brandy. For between 30 min and an hour usually. I need the ritual to decompress. It drove my DH nuts at first that I was “wasting” time I could be sleeping but now he gets me.
Anonymous
I do this as well. Usually it’s 30 minutes on my Kindle Fire (if DH is already asleep) or a paperback novel usually of the chick lit variety.
EC MD
You can watch surgery residents practically descend into madness over the five years of training. I started residency as a sweet, nonconfrontational go-getter. By year 2, I was having yelling matches in the middle of the ER with the spine fellow. It’s sleep deprivation. It took me 6 months after residency to recover from 5 years of sleep deprivation. I think I was one of the few people on the planet who felt more rested after having a newborn than I did in my job.
B
+1 After an exhausting few months with a crazy deal this last fall, I kept telling people that having a newborn was way easier. The final week of closing I had 3-4 hours of sleep a night for several days and then never left the office the final night. After we closed the next day, I totally lost it. I was beyond exhausted, missed my babies, and was just done. Took the month of December to finally get back to being a normal human being again.
MJ
I just wanted to say that I’ve totally been there. I used have an extreme problem “shutting off” at home when working long hours on high-pressure matters. It’s some sort of strange adrenaline thing, because you’re already running on empty from being so tired. And as to the irritability–that’s normal too. The important thing is that you are aware of your transformation into an impatient ogre and are trying to keep it in check. I second what others have said above…get through your deal(s) and then take some me time. Even just going to the gym for an hour in the late afternoon–while that sounds like a ridiculous luxury when you are working as hard as you are, it can be a major sanity-booster. Just put an OOO on saying that you’re in a meeting. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
I found that meditating helped me turn my brain off and go to bed, when my mind was racing and I was thinking of the terrible rotten, long day I was going to have the next day. So maybe try that? TV and tea and reading the most boring textbook I could pull of my shelf did not help.
Ellen
You MUST tell them you can NOT continue to work like this. I told the manageing partner I did NOT want to do more do dileigeince and have to go to Saint Louis again b/c of Jim and his bad breathe and he sent MADELINE instead even tho she DID not want to go.
I love this blouse! I wonder if the manageing partner will let me buy it for work? My dad says I am now back on budgit, so I can buy up to $175 of clothe’s between now and the end of FEBRUARY. FOOEY b/c I stepped into something smelley with my new Nike’s and it is NOT comeing out of the sole’s b/c of the tread and I do NOT want to have to clean them and NO dry cleaner I think will clean NIKE’s.
Does anyone in the hive know how to get smelley stuff (probabeley dog poop) out of Nike’s? HELP b/c they cost over $100 and I do NOT want to have to get rid of them. FOOEY!
KC
I’ve been putting off cleaning out my closet… but thought this flowchart was cute. It’s mostly common sense, but I do like the “5 pieces of sentimental clothing” rule. I’m always reluctant to get rid of any clothing I received as a gift (even if I’ll never wear it).
http://modern-eve.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Wardrobe-Editing-Decision-Tree.png
NOLA
That’s a really cool document. Definitely worth using. One of my friends used to edit her closet with the help of another friend. My friend was a big shopper (or I should say “buyer” because she was sometimes pretty indiscriminate). Her friend would go through her closet and she would have to answer:
1) Have you worn it in the past year?
2) Do you love it?
If the answer to both questions was no, her friend would pack it up for her church’s clothing closet. Given that her closet imploded once while she was on vacation, it probably saved her some mess over time.
Cb
This is helpful, thanks!
InfoGeek
The flow chart’s a little off. The question about it being a uniform for a current job is at the end of a chain that starts with it having sentimental value. I don’t know about y’all, but I have no sentimental feelings about my company logo polos.
Also not sure why the links sometimes go to “Can I convince you to get rid of it?” and other times directly to “Sell/Swap/Donate/Trash”.
Other than those two things, it seems like it really does cover most cases.
Susedna
Yeah, I noticed that, too and wondered if she just ran out of room to make a separate “branch” at the very top for work clothes, so she lumped them in at the bottom of the ‘sentimental’ chain.
Susie
I have half a drawer full of free tshirts from races I’ve ran and events I’ve volunteered at. Not sure what to do with these. I wear them on occasion to the gym, I know I don’t need as many as I have but they are reminders of the things I’ve done.
InfoGeek
T-shirt quilt?
Big Spender
Following up on the “how much do you spend” post from yesterday – for those of you who are in a relationship where finances are shared, and you clearly outspend your partner, how do you handle it?
Specifically for my situation, I spend probably around $4000 a year on clothes, DH around $400. I outspend on shoes, toiletries (make-up and face creams especially), books…pretty much everything discretionary.
It makes me feel guilty and I think DH feels … not taken advantage of, but something similar. I make a little more than him ($120k vs $100k) but that is only recently the case (although to be fair I wasn’t spending quite as much when I wasn’t making as much).
I’ve tried putting together a budget for discretionary spending based on my current habits, but this just causes a fight about how much money I spend.
Is there even a solution for this? It seems like my options are (1) stop spending money, or (2) get DH to just accept it.
Any thoughts?
Cornellian
Two thoughts:
1. Something that my ex-boyfriend and I had talked about in the abstract (we just shared rent, groceries, etc, not our entire budget) was the idea that different people need different things in different fields to fit in. Like, if I were a ballerina, I would need quality food, special shoes and outfits, etc to have my job. If he were a local lawyer, he might need to spend money on local bar and chamber of commerce dues, CLEs, etc. I think sometimes being a woman v. a man can change the costs, and I’ve read a lot about how much of women’s salaries go towards “cosmetic” things that really aren’t all as optional as they should be (eyebrow waxing, nail polish/manicures, heels, anti-aging treatments/botox etc). Some of your increased expenses might fall in to the bucket of “career” expenses. Maybe you can use that as a frame for your discussion.
2. What happens with the rest of his salary? Does it go in to your joint retirement/savings/education accounts? Something personal for him? If he’s essentially subsidizing a face cream habit, I can see why that seems unfair to him.
saacnmama
Cornellian, you might be overtired, but your thinking is still sharp! I’m trying to be funny, but this is a great way to think about it.
I do remember getting into an argument with my husband over whether tampons were for “us” or for me. My argument was that a husband benefits from the system they’re used to maintain.
Agree that he should have some $$ to spend however he wants too.
Esquared
I can’t believe you had that argument with your bf and didn’t kill him. My bf & I share everything (we consider ourselves a unit– sometimes I’m going to make more, sometimes he’s going to make more, but we are in this together) and I would have killed him. ;-p
I think the point about women having to spend more on makeup etc is a very valid one. Guys just need a couple of suits and a few shirts to fit in at the office, we need a bit more. That said, I think I’ve mentioned before that I don’t 100% understand with or agree with a lot of the stuff my bf buys (video games, dvds & comic books) and it frustrates me to see money spent on these things. We deal with it by giving each of us an allowance each month (it’s about $500 each per month) and we can spend it however we want. I spend mine on clothes, he spends his on dvds. It’s not a firm budget (if we need something, we buy it) but as long as he’s mostly staying in it, I try not to make him feel bad about his purchases.
Godzilla
Comparing discretionary expenditures for men and women is like comparing apples and spaghetti, in my opinion. Women in modern society “require” more things. Makeup, sanitary products, support garments, jewelry, hair upkeep, etc. Men don’t “require” as much, although I am eagerly observing the new trend towards men’s skincare. My brothers wash their faces and moisturize now, more often than I do.
Also, men have no idea how much this stuff costs. A man can get away with a $15 haircut, including tip. Good luck finding something of comparable quality for women under $50 with tip. For you, it may make sense to audit your discretionary spending for your sanity and then have gradual and open discussions with your husband.
Regarding entertainment – costs can be considered “shared”, such as cable and date nights. Or “separate but equal” (I can’t think of the word I’m looking for ) – you like to read and he likes to play video games or hockey or whatever. You both seem to make a comfortable living so communicating about finances in general seems to be your main issue here.
Monday
I’ve even seen studies on how exactly the same products and services are priced higher for women than men, e.g. deodorant and dry cleaning. Reading about it got me really annoyed, and that’s leaving aside all the things that men don’t need to buy at all, such as tampons, hosiery and bras–which really add up. That said, it obviously won’t be great for communication for you to just look up such an article and hand it to him! It also doesn’t speak to expenses like books. I second the input that it sounds like you just need to communicate more directly. It may end up a mix of “no, I really do need to spend more than you on X,” and “I will cut back on Y, because that’s doable.”
Susedna
Women are also judged way more harshly on their upkeep and appearance than men are, so it’s rational to want to spend more in this dept if you’re a woman than if you’re a man.
Sadie
I don’t know, it seems to me like if you make $20,000 a year more than him, and you’re spending $3600 a year more than him on “Just me” stuff, even factoring in taxes, you’re still contributing more to the “pot” than he is, so I’m not really seeing how he’s ‘subsidizing’ anything.
But, this is why hubs and I do the “we each put the same amount into the shared ‘house pot’ and whatever we each have left is ours” plan instead, so I guess I am not a good one to comment.
But, it just seems to me, that unless there are some other joint expenses that he is having to cover more of to ‘make up the difference’, that there really isn’t a lot of room for complaint on his part. I like the idea above of explaining that you need certain things given your position, (and that those things intrinsically cost more because you are a woman). It might help to do a straight over cost comparison, like “If we both dryclean 10 shirts, 4 suits and 6 separates bottoms a month, it will cost you X and me Y”, and for a few items (If we both get haircuts every 6 weeks, it will cost you X and me Y. )
Not saying you should start a fight or anything, but I also am not sure feeling guilty is precisely in order.
Big Spender
@Godzilla – Yes, I think communication is the main problem. And although I agree that men’s costs are different than womens costs, I freely admit that I *could* be more frugal – I just don’t want to.
@Cornellian – Regarding your point in (2), I think that is the main problem. We have been married for over 10 years (since I was 25) and our finances are completely intertwined. As for what happens with the rest of our money, whatever doesn’t go to rent/childcare/food/retirement/etc. and is left at the end of the month eventually goes into a medium-term savings account. We do manage to set aside about 25% of our take-home, so it isn’t a question of whether we can afford my spending habits – it is a question of whether we should. Or how?
Kontraktor
Our finances are completely intertwined too, and I probably spend much more than hubs on personal items, including clothes. I mean, my skin is so blochy that I absolutely cannot leave the house, especially for work, without foundation and powder, and even trying to buy drugstore brands and stocking up when they are on sale, that alone is probably at least $20/month. I think I try to think of those types of items as just… expenses that just ‘are’ if that makes sense. Hubs has to buy a particularly expensive deoderant because it’s the only one that works for him. Same with his razor brand. He has to keep his hair short for the military, so even though he goes to super cuts for a $15 haircut, it’s almost every two weeks sometimes. What can you do? We just accept these things.
As for clothes, I usually just make sure I ask him when I make a purchase. I rarely get anything more than about $100 at a time, but I ‘ask’ him out of courtesy just to make sure it’s okay. 99% of the time, he will say, of course go ahead and buy. 1% of the time he will remind me about a reason I should wait (perhaps we had some higher random expenses on the CC that month). I think he doesn’t mind just letting me get this stuff because he knows I’m not unreasonable about the spending and knows that if he told me to wait on a purchase, I absolutely would and would respect that decision (he monitors finances more closely). I think being particularly transparent and respectful works well if your finances are merged.
Merabella
This. My husband and I just try to tell one another when we make purchases over our threshold. It keeps me accountable on what I buy, and I think it helps him feel like we are sharing the expenses.
Godzilla
Dude, if you can afford it, don’t stress about how you *could* or *should* be more frugal. It doesn’t sound like money is a problem. Cbackson brings up a great (and extreme) example of how views on money can be poisonous to a relationship – that’s what you need to focus on. If your husband is the spreadsheet type, make one up if you like to help you organize your thoughts. Or see a therapist so you can work through your feelings and learn how to better communicate with your husband.
MaggieLizer
I can see how clueless guys can feel put off by “discretionary” spending when they don’t understand the reason for it; even if there’s enough in the pot to cover your expenses, there’s always other stuff to spend money on that’s probably way more fun to DH than makeup. If he’s a good guy (which it sounds like he is), he’ll be OK with it if you just explain to him why you need to spend more money on things like skin care, makeup, and clothes. Have you had a similar discussion about closet space? That women need more clothes than men because women can’t mix and match the same 5 shirts, 3 pairs of pants, and 2 pairs of shoes? All that being said, can you offer to try to find ways to cut back, like stock up on makeup during sales?
cbackson
My ex-h had a terrible habit of classifying things that he wanted (tools, household electronics) as family expenses, and things that I wanted (clothes, shoes, haircuts) as my personal spending. He couldn’t understand that, as an attorney in a giant firm, I needed to dress professionally, wear decent shoes, and have neat hair. So I dressed badly, in worn-out, ill-fitting things, didn’t get my haircut, and generally felt (and looked) run-down and worn-down.
A lot of guys who aren’t jerks still don’t get the different professional standards that apply to men and women, especially if they don’t work in a similar high-pressure job.
Sadie
This is a good point too. Just because it goes in the house, doesn’t make it a household expense!
Brant
We each get an “allowance” based on our combined income (though we both got significant allowance reductions when DH went back to school and I was the only income–but that’s over now!)
We spend/save whatever we want out of that. For a while, DH saved up and bought himself a (small) boat. I spent mine on makeup and shoes. If DH were a sports guy, any sporting tix would come out of allowance money.
I would say it all depends on how you define discretionary income.
Brant
@cbackson- all tools, unless they are actually required for a very specific project and can be justified as a required household staple, are something DH buys out of the allowance fund. Same goes for electronics. Typical scenario is something like we need a TV because ours died; DH wants a fancy one, I want a normal one. So the cost of the “normal one” comes out of household funds, DH adds the rest from his separate pile. Same goes for both of us for clothes/shoes/etc. (ex. if I need to replace black pumps for work , which I wear daily, joint expense; if I want $300 pumps, I pay the difference between “reasonable” and “THESE ONES!”). DH and I are pretty fair to each other IMHO, but we also give each other the 3rd degree :)
Diana Barry
I am similar to you (spending more) although my DH makes more than I do. I also do all the household shopping, so I buy all of his clothes too (what little he needs). He gets that I need to dress well for work and women have more beauty needs than men, etc.
We still save, etc. etc., so he just doesn’t care. I try not to spend too much (whatever that means in the context of our budget) but I am the decider of spending for me.
Anastasia
Our finances are completely intertwined, and like I said in the other thread, I recently compiled our spending for the last 6 months. I outspent DH on clothing, accessories, and personal care, plus I have tuition expenses, but my husband outspent me – massively – on hobbies and alcohol. I was a little miffed that he spends so much more on stuff that is fun for him, while most of my spending falls more in the category of keeping up with social norms/self improvement… but overall, our “just for me” expenses came out about the same.
As long as your “just for me” spending isn’t taking away from money that you both need for retirement, savings, or living expenses, or gobbling up all the discretionary money with total disregard for the other’s preferences, I think that’s just life. Presumably, when I don’t have tuition, I’ll also have time for hobbies again, and everything will still even out. We are lucky to not be strapped for cash, so inequality in spending has never been a point of contention for us, differences are just kind of “huh!” observations.
S
Have you totaled spending on beer and lunch? My husband has beer at home after work more often than I do and treats himself to expensive lunches. I spend more on clothes but he spends more on drinks.
DealCube
Have you thought about approaching this from the opposite end? Budget your non-discretionary bills and savings of all types (emergency, retirement, vacation, etc.). See how much is left. Then have a discussion about whether your DH finds that he is not doing things he wants to do because of how much you are spending. If you are meeting all of your savings goals, paying your bills, and DH didn’t feel like he is not able do the things he wants to do, then DH should just let go of how all the non-earmarked money is spent. If, however, he feels like he can’t upgrade his wardrobe or go to an event he would enjoy because of how much is being spent by you, then I think it is fair for him to object.
Bonnie
I don’t think it’s as simple as comparing how much you spend on clothing etc. My DH hardly ever buys clothing but he spends much more than me on everyday items like lunch.
Shopping Help Needed
Paging all vicarious shoppers!!! I’ve been searching for a black open/wrap cardi for months now. I’d prefer one of a more lightweight fabric that’s drapey with long sleeves. My size is XL and $75 is the max I want to spend on it. Thanks ladies for any suggestions!!! I’m always jealous of your ninja shopping skills =)
NOLA
I saw this in the Garnet Hill catalog I was perusing on the treadmill last night:
http://www.garnethill.com/darby-cardigan-by-velvet-by-graham-26-spencer-for-garnet-hill/womens-fashion/tops-tees/view-all-tops-tees/281640?defattrib=&defattribvalue=&listIndex=7
It’s lightweight. Not really sweater. Is that what you’re looking for?
Bonnie
Here’s a good quality cashmere one that fits your budget: http://www.lordandtaylor.com/eng/womensapparel-cashmereshop-basics-cardigan-Cashmere_Open_Front_Cardigan-lordandtaylor/225240/?utm_source=GAN&utm_medium=Affiliates&utm_campaign=ShopStyle.com&utm_content=Ban&utm_term=na&cm_mmc=Affiliate-_-GAN-_-ShopStyle.com-_-Primary Banner&tag=GAN&ctcampaign=221&gan_clickID=0004d36f8a2104620ae07d4e95006317&gan_affID=k108283&gan_affName=ShopStyle.com
Boston therapist
Therapy threadjack: Does anyone have a suggestion for a good therapist or counselor in Boston (ideally Back Bay) who could help with feeling okay about not having a husband or family? Disclaimer – these are my feelings and I do not mean to make a negative comment about anyone else’s life or choices. I really need a safe place to talk about these things. Thanks very much.
De
No suggestions, but warm thoughts sent your way.
Anon for this
You could try Eleanor Temelini. She’s downtown, not Back Bay, but probably not too far from you. Ultimately I concluded that therapy really wasn’t for me, but I found her to be a very pleasant, understanding person to talk to. My issues were weight loss/general unhappiness, so different than yours, but I think she’s still at least the right kind of person to talk to.
k-padi
I’m kind of going through this too–accepting that a husband and kids just aren’t in the stars for me. I’ve considered therapy but I’m not ready to take that next step. Can you report back when you find a therapist on whether it’s helpful?
KLG
While the experiences of others are certainly helpful, if it is an issue that’s been bugging you for awhile, I would encourage you to try therapy and see if it is beneficial for *you.* People really are individuals and people with the same general life issues can have wildly different reactions to a specific therapist or therapy in general. Good luck!
k-padi
See January’s reply. That’s what I was afraid of.
Elle
Feel free to ignore this but wouldn’t it be better to find a therapist/life coach/dating coach to help you FIND a husband and children?
anon
are you kidding me.
January
In my limited experience, for what it is worth, a therapist is more likely to take this tack with you than to help you simply accept that the husband/kids thing is never going to happen (because, really, you can’t know that until your life is actually over). I haven’t really shopped around for therapists, though, and I am under 30, which might be a little young for throwing in the towel completely. Still might be worth seeing a therapist, especially if you’re feeling hopeless.
k-padi
Thank you January! If I’m anything like the OP, it’s not that I’m hopeless. It’s just that it’s time to start accepting this. For marrieds, it’s “time” they have kids. For single people, it’s “time” they start accepting that a family might not happen. I’ve been dating for 15+ years including some very serious long term relationships, all of my long-time friends are married, and they are at the point of having a 1st or 2nd child.
Admittedly, maybe we singles have “issues” that Elle thinks a dating coach can help with but, personally, I’ve done therapy (twice!) to address those demons already.
Susedna
Elle is a troll.
*hands Elle a bridge, but no tea*
Godzilla
Curious, what method of body exfoliation have you found to be most effective? Clarisonic, wash cloth, body scrubs, toner, monthly spa treatments, loofah, etc? I have blackheads on my shoulders, back and décolletage (basically, anywhere that sweat glues my bra or shirt to my skin) and I’m not sure if I should be using my face stuff on my torso.
springtime
It’s not a ‘scrub’ per se, but I find the Neutrogena body clear wash to be very effective at keeping my back and chest clear. I used a poofy thing (I hope you know what I’m talking about) to scrub.
L
Back facials. Once a month for a few months to get it under control and daily a loofah and Neutrogena body scrub with sal. acid (it’s bright orange). Also an acne treatment in a spray. For me the skin on my back/shoulders is a little “tougher” so I loofah and if I can reach Clarisonic.
For my chest, I use the same treatment for my face as the skin seems more delicate.
Anon8
I would reccomend the Clarisonic. I think (not 100% sure) that they have a body brush separate from the one used for the face. Even if they don’t, I think the regular brush can be used on your shoulders, back etc. I’ve noticed a huge difference with the skin on my face after consistenly using the Clarisonic so I imagnine it would work as well on other areas!
kerrycontrary
The neutrogena body clear body scrub. You can use face stuff on your torso though. I use pimple cream on my back as spot treatment. Make sure it’s not a hormonal problem though. If you are in your 20s-30s and getting bacne it may be some sort of imbalance (I got bacne on a progesterine only BC pill)
SJ
The best exfoliation method I’ve ever found is a green scrubbing mitt that I’ve bought at Asian markets. I take a hot shower and use glycerin soap to wash the area, then use the the mitt to scrub. It’s pretty rough at first but it really helps to slough off dead skin and you get used to using it. I have to enlist my husband’s help to get my back but I love how clean I feel afterward. You have to use soap that doesn’t have any added moisturizers to really get the exfoliation to work and I keep a bar of Neutrogena facial cleansing (the orange one) in my shower for this exact reason.
Jules
I don’t see any reason not to use your face products on your back. I am on the old side for this site but I still get the occasional break-out (very unfair — shouldn’t a lack of acne be one of the compensating perks of being over 50?). Every few days I use the Trader Joe’s tea tree oil face wash that actually belongs to my teenage son, it works for my face and back.
But the Best. Thing. Ever. is the Salux nylon towel, link to follow. It’s slightly rougher nylon than the puffs (definitely use soap/lotion/cleanser on it) and shaped like a long oblong scarf – you can scrub your back and shoulders without help. It is a great exfoliator and lasts forever. I had one that I used for — I am not kidding — 22 years! It finally got some holes, and the color had faded, but it still worked. Look for the actual Salux brand, which is Japenese; cheaper ones from China (I got one at TJ Maxx once) are not as good quality.
Jules
http://www.amazon.com/Salux-Nylon-Japanese-Beauty-Cloth/dp/B000CSDDDG/ref=sr_1_1?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1358355819&sr=1-1&keywords=salux+cloth
Merabella
Dry Brushing before a shower and an exfoliating bar of soap in the shower followed by lotion after the shower (though I think I’m going to start incorporating body oil instead because the lotion just ain’t cutting it). The dry brush has really changed the texture of my skin and has made it much softer – I also used to get cystic zits on my back but this prevents those.
Also, if you are going to the gym – try to get the sweaty clothes off immediately – I find that not doing this causes my bacne issues to get way worse.
Walking
I just moved and went from walking only a few blocks to the subway to walking 15 minutes to the subway (and then back) each day. My work shoes are now all off (all comfortable enough to walk around my day in but not at all up for 30 minutes a day of walking). Any suggestions for very comfortable supportive commuting shoes? I don’t mind changing to work shoes when I get to the office but I don’t want to wear sneakers 80s style. Apologies if this has already been covered!
Kontraktor
Used to walk everywhere in DC/had about the same distance to the subway as you. Anyway, I didn’t wear any particularly special shoe. I would usually alternate between rain boots (if it was wet and slodgy) and occasionally Uggs in the winter. Would wear rain boots (if spring rainy) or just basic flats (I like the ones from Payless) in the spring (I alternated between a pair of plain black rainboots, a white pair with a black pattern, and a light blue pair with flowers). In the summer, usually it would be flip flops or some sort of slip on sandal. Crocs made a pair of ‘circle’ jelly type, open ballet flats that I desperately wanted and I saw a lot of women commuting in those. For really hot days in summer, I would wear gym clothes and sneakers to commute and then just change everything at work. I think you should just find what makes you feel comfortable and use that. I would vaguely coordinate commuting shoe with my outfit, but not enough to go crazy. I just wore what was comfy on that day.
Kontraktor
Just looked it up, and the crocs shoe is the Adrina flat. It honestly seemed to me like the perfect DC commuting shoe- good support (crocs are allegedly good for that), open (for random rain, puddles, or muddiness), easily cleanable (same reasons), and durable. Amazon has them in the color I want… seriously will have to think of getting.
NowAnon
FYI, I have found Crocs to be terrible for walking in DC. The material used to make the curbs here is really slippery, and I fell on my face several time wearing Crocs when I stepped on a curb that was wet. I had been wearing them as dog-walking shoes mostly, but I got rid of them all. Maybe they have some styles with better traction, but ones with soles made out of the basic Crocs material are not good in wet weather, in my opinion.
Kontraktor
Interesting! Lots of my friends bought the Adrina and didn’t report that problem. Maybe the sole is different or the shoes just work differently for different people!
Bonnie
Interesting! Lots of my friends bought the Adrina and didn’t report that problem. Maybe the sole is different or the shoes just work differently for different people!
kerrycontrary
Clarks sells Privo which are “sportier” flats for walking.
Bunkster
I’ve been wearing these and I love them:
http://www.amazon.com/Crocs-Womens-Cobbler-Leather-Black/dp/B0071QVZG4/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1358351148&sr=8-3&keywords=crocs+clogs+women
Nancy P
I wear super-supportive ballet flats, like Gentle Souls or Walking Cradles or Merrills, on my commute. They look cute-ish enough and they save my work heels.
AIMS
I love Gentle Souls! You could walk days in them and your feet would be fine.
I generally, wear flat/low heel boots to work in winter and flat/low heel sandals in summer, then change into work shoes in the office. For transitional periods, I have some flats and wedges that do the trick. If I am wearing heels, I find it helps to alternate pairs day to day so my feet don’t get sore.
Brant
I wear dark Merrells or flats. I’m not above sneakers or shoes with support, I just think they shouldn’t be grossly obvious (eg, white) from afar.
TBK
I wear some sort of maryjane-like black shoe with a sneakery bottom and a shoe-y top. Like these https://www.google.com/shopping/product/6709426308827423809?q=cole%20haan%20mary%20jane%20flat&sa=X&ei=J9X2UN-uCam90AHoxoGICg&ved=0CKABEL8TMAo but in a neutral color. I find that I can wear them to c-tail receptions, bar events, etc. after work if necessary. They sort of blend in (especially with pants) but also are clearly commuting shoes so it doesn’t look like I meant to wear frumpy shoes with my outfit.
OP
Thanks! I just ordered the Cole Haan maryjanes from 6pm.com.
Susedna
TV-watching threadjack: How many hours of TV (either live or Tivo’d/Hulu’d, or on DVD if they’re TV series boxsets) do you watch per week?
I watch almost zero. Except I have this 1 weekend every month when I binge on a TV series, like “Alias,” or “Big Bang Theory, ” or “Downton Abbey,” or “Covert Affairs” (via DVDs I’ve received for birthdays & holidays.) That’s me on the couch for like 4-6hrs.
This is a huge contrast to when I was a kid when I think all I did was watch TV. If you’re in your 30s like me, you probably watched some of these cartoons. I hope you didn’t watch ALL of them obsessively like I did:
Voltron
He-Man
She-Ra
Thundercats
Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors
Jem & the Holograms
M.A.S.K.
Transformers
Scooby-Doo
The Jetsons
Dungeons & Dragons
Inspector Gadget
Silverhawks
G.I. Joe
There were others, but I didn’t watch them as obsessively. Egads, and I would eat tons of sugary snacks & drink soda while watching all of these. Just a PSA– I survived this with only partial brain damage, folks, so TV ain’t all that bad for you. ;-)
Kontraktor
We don’t watch mutch TV. Sometimes we have it on for a few hours as white noise on the week nights, but maybe we are only sitting down to watch for 1 hour a night, if even. If we do, we watch mostly our local PBS channels (either cooking shows or documentaries), but we also like HGTV too. Sometimes we watch more of this sort of stuff on weekends as we veg out. I used to watch the Good Wife each Sunday, but now that it is the same time as Downton… eh. I don’t really watch either. My enthusiasm has descreased/I will just watch Downton later on DVD.
When I was kid, I watched very little TV. My parents didn’t allow it. I watched Sesame St., Ducktales, and Mr. Rogers for years/that was about all I was allowed to watch. As I got older, I was allowed to watch just about anything on PBS channels (ie, Reading Rainbow, Nova). I was never allowed to watch Nickelodian or other cartoons like the Simpsons (or really even most mainstream movies that were not animated Disney ones), so I feel I really lack a ton of pop culture knowledge/have no idea what people are talking about when they recall things from their childhood.
Anon
We probably watch 1-2 hours (at night) M-Th. Weekends depend entirely on our other weekend plans. Sometimes, no TV at all – other weekends, we’ll curl up in pjs and enjoy a series binge as described by Susedna.
locomotive
I probably watch 5 hours during the week and upwards of 7 hours on weekends – but I never just sit and watch TV. I always just have it on when I’m cleaning, cooking, folding laundry, etc. I just feel like I could either wash dishes and just stare at them or wash dishes and have an episode of Friends on that I laugh at … and I should always pick the latter choice.
Paralegal
+1. I watch huge amounts of tv – but always while I am doing something else. Most shows are a little too boring to focus 100% of my attention on, so I watch tv while I am doing household chores, knitting, playing sudoku, etc. Likewise, folding laundry or scrubbing the kitchen counters don’t require a lot of thought, so they are less miserable when I am entertained.
I will admit that, while my SO was out of town last weekend, I watched an entire season of Dexter in two days.
JJ
Completely agree. My TV is *on* a lot when I’m at home at night and on the weekends, but I’m almost never just watching it. I’ll have it one while I cook, clean, do laundry, fold laundry, etc. In fact, I get incredibly antsy if the TV is on and I’m not physically doing something else. It seems like wasted time.
Sweet as Soda Pop
I’d agree with this. I watch tv while I’m cooking or folding laundry, or even reading a book. I rarely just sit down and watch tv for hours at a time. I think 5 hours during the week is a good estimate; for weekends, it depends. Sometimes my boyfriend will play FIFA on the play station for hours on end, so I don’t watch any TV then! Other times, I’ll watch a whole season in a weekend (I’m looking at you West Wing).
Sweet as Soda Pop
Oh, and almost everything is through PBS, Netflix, or Hulu, as we don’t have cable. As far as shows: modern family, parks and recreation, the mindy project, Downton abbey, and biggest loser, as well as whatever is fascinating on PBS at the time
KC
I watch tv by association (roommate is watching, I’m cooking/eating dinner/reading on the couch) about 5-7 hours during the week. On the weekend, I probably watch 2-3 hours depending on other plans.
Bunkster
Oddly enough, I watch almost no tv during the weekends. I read or play with children. During the week, I turn it on when I get home, but it’s more background noise while I’m on my laptop. Mostly, I watch Law & Order re-runs, as well as Deception, Hart of Dixie, Elementary, and Downtown Abbey.
TO Lawyer
I love TV and I find that there is actually quite a bit of good TV on. That said, I try to only watch the shows I watch and if I’m home in the evening, try to leave the news, or business shows or something for white noise.
I often don’t watch TV when it’s actually on, so I’ll spend a few hours on the weekend catching up on my favourite show or what not.
My SO doesn’t really watch any TV so I’m sure that’s going to pose some sort of conflict when we’re actually living together but for now, I stick to the news or repeat sitcoms for background noise if he’s around and catch up on my shows once he’s gone.
Paralegal
Also, TV/exercise PSA for those in NYC:
The NYSC on 80th and Broadway (and probably more locations) has TV On Demand for the cardio machines, which usually has one or two recent episodes from a number of TV shows to choose from. When I’m not in the mood to run I like to speedwalk on the treadmill and watch an episode of something – entertainment AND exercise!
NOLA
Since I live alone, I have the TV on a lot, but I’m rarely really watching it. If I’m on the treadmill, the TV is on, but I also read my Kindle or magazines. I watch a few shows regularly but even those I’ve lost track of (Parenthood, Grey’s, Private Practice) and haven’t watched them recently. I often end up having the TV on HGTV, TLC or TBS (for BBT) when I’m around the house. Right now, on weekends, I always have football on either TV or the radio (while I’m cooking).
Diana Barry
Prob 1.5 or 2 hrs/night. We are usually (one or both) noodling on the interwebs or doing the budget or working. Once a week or so we’ll watch a movie.
O.
We don’t own a tv. I watch maybe one episode of The Daily Show online per week.
ABC
I probably watch 1-2 hours per night Monday through Thursday (almost all from DVR), and very little Friday through Sunday. The only thing I watch on the weekends is football really, and I rarely sit and watch an entire game.
Like others have said, the tv is more background noise than anything else. I am usually doing something else at the same time.
shortiek
I watch way too much TV. Now that my SO and I are long distance, we skype and watch shows together every few nights. Together that’s probably 5-6 hours a week.
When we lived together, Sunday afternoon/evening would be a TV or movie marathon. We binged watched so many shows: Merlin, Misfits, Justice League, Firefly, The West Wing, Baccano!, Castle, X-files, Community…. Although most people don’t think of TV as interactive, it’s definitely one of our “couples activities”. I love introducing him to the kids’ classics that he didn’t grow up with- Prince of Egypt! An American Tail! Babes in Toyland! and we both love fantasy/scifi shows.
Right now, I also watch a few shows on my own (Mindy project, Being Human UK, 30 rock, Young Justice, Elementary) on the weekend so that’s another 2-3 hours for me. I use the commercial breaks to sprint through all the housework things I put off during the week, like prepping meals, laundry, vacuuming, so at least I’m somewhat productive during that time!
Emjay
Ha! When you posted I thought you might be my sister, for real. I’m still kind of not sure :) Growing up we totally OD’d on that whole list of cartoons–Thundercats was my favorite! We also turned out ok with a minimum of collective brain cell loss–she’s an attorney and I’m a doc.
Emjay
That reply was aimed at susedna :) I also should have mentioned that I too don’t really watch TV but occasionally have a huge TV binge on a weekend; the last one was Gilmore Girls, the entire series. I always thought Luke (Scott Patterson) was the embodiment of my “type.” (For those of you who don’t know…check it out! The show was awesome and he was a hottie.)
Susedna
Ah, alas, I can’t be your sister because I don’t have any sisters, but I am your sister-in-1980s Cartoon-watching.
Re: Thundercats
I was always way more creeped out by shrunken, desiccated Mumm-ra than the transformed, really buff Mumm-ra, who was definitely more bold and less intelligent. Shriveled Mumm-ra was so sneaky, shuffling over to his scrying pool, and hiding in the dark of his pyramid, with all those “Ancient Spirits of Evil” watching over him. *shudder*
My mom, who never lost an opportunity to “teach” or “moralize,” would look over her shoulder at shrunken Mumm-ra and all the ropey strings of saliva inside his mouth and she’d say, “Susedna, that’s what happens if you don’t brush your teeth regularly. You’ll have horrible teeth and ropey saliva like that.”
TV Fan
I know this is an unpopular answer to questions like this, but I LOVE television. We are in a golden age of TV, with shows demonstrating such incredible creativity and intelligence that I do not understand why so many people are against TV. Honestly, I think it’s a leftover elitist attitude from decades ago, or an uniformed opinion based solely on second hand knowledge of reality TV, which, admittedly, is terrible, but which is so not what I’m talking about when I rave about the wonders of television these days. Seriously, watch current shows like Mad Men and Breaking Bad, or recent shows like Friday Night Lights, The Wire, The Sopranos, etc., and then try to argue that other forms of media are more intellectually stimulating. People like David Chase, David Simon, David Milch, Jason Katims, Joss Whedon, Matt Weiner – these are some unbelievably smart people putting everything they’ve got into their shows. Television is so so so much more than Honey Boo Boo.
Lila
Agreed, TV Fan. To that list of notable shows I would add “Louie”: sheer art.
Herbie
Ladies, for morning laughs, I have to share this. http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/caslon-long-sleeve-shirt/3458655?origin=category
One side of your collar up! The other side of your collar down! It’s the mullet of collared shirts. Party on one side; business on the other.
Maru
Love it! I would like to add this, which I believe is the single ugliest item of clothing I’ve ever seen on a shopping website and made me snort with laughter:
http://www.gilt.com/sale/women/elie-tahari-6919/product/173199804-elie-tahari-ivanna-silk-colorblock-blouse
De
That looks like a cross between a tropical fish and that dinosaur in Jurassic Park that has a fan like neck that opens up and then shoots a poisonous (how do you spell that?) dart at you! Scary. Very scary.
Herbie
Threadjack threadjack! Look what I just found googling “Jurassic Park dinosaur fan neck”– http://jurassicpark.wikia.com/wiki/Dilophosaurus
There’s a catalog… of dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. How amazing is that? I love the internets.
Also, ahem, the poisonous dinosaur of which you are thinking is evidently a dilophosaurus, though my sources indicate that the dinosaur as portrayed in Jurassic Park included some features for which there is no scientific evidence or contradictory evidence.
BOOM. INTERNETTED.
De
I’ve tried starting a reply to this a number of times, and I just can’t. There’s just no following a Jurassic Park encyclopedia.
Susedna
+1000 for the threadjack threadjack
Gail the Goldfish
Speaking of, I saw an article the other day that they’re making a Jurassic Park IV. Is it impossible to make original movies now?
MaggieLizer
Omg it’s the betta I flushed down the toilet when I was 6! I told my mom it wasn’t really dead!
Herbie
Maru, that shirt is… quite extraordinary.
Gus
OMG, and I usually love Elie Tahari! He was on Project Runway recently as the guest judge, and he just seems like such an interesting guy (and great back story — came from Israel to the U.S. with like $20 in his pocket and that’s it). But man, that is just truly, truly awful.
Anonymous
Ivanna. . . fix all the things that are not working on this blouse!
Silvercurls
I actually think it’s kinda cool, with the exception of the flared-from-the-elbow trumpet-shaped things. The colors are bright and cheerful. Of course, you’d have to be a whole lot taller and thinner than I am to wear it without resembling the just-caught stomach contents of an aquatic creature preparing to deploy its digestive juices. I’m talking 12″ taller and 40# lighter. Having long hair (as well as long legs) would also better balance out those big floppy sleeves.
All that said, I also enjoyed the comments by people reminded of tropical fish and dinosaurs. There _is_ something aggressively tropical about this shirt. Maybe accessorize with bright bangles, a bird-bead necklace, and/or a parrot or an equatorial frog (poisonous only if your calendar includes meeting with someone absolutely horrible) on the shoulder?
Susedna
When I look at this shirt, I just think: where would I wear this?
I imagine that if I wore this shirt, I’d be playing saxophone badly in a cover band on a cruise ship that took senior citizens to the Caribbean.
shortiek
^ THIS!
Emjay
I’d want to add a Carmen Miranda fruit hat.
KC
@Emjay Exactly what I was thinking! Fruit hat, lots of bangles, and a colorful printed skirt. Oh, and some maracas.
CountC
TJ – anyone have a recommendation for a color-safe dandruff shampoo? I have noticed small amounts of flakes in my part. At first I thought it was because I only shampoo once a week and my product was flaking, but after I shampooed this morning there were still a few there. I color my hair a pretty deep, vibrant red, so I want something that is color safe and won’t kill my hair. I saw that Pureology used to make something – that is along the lines of what I am looking for. Any suggestions are appreciated!
mascot
Would adding an extra wash per week help? I thought dandruff was caused by extra oil buildup on the scalp, but I may be wrong. I think Matrix Biolage makes a color safe shampoo, I like Matrix products in general
Godzilla
Are you using sulfate-free shampoos? I had dandruff problems until I switched over L’oreal Everpure. No flakes, no scales (ha), all gone. I hear a few drops of tea tree oil in your shampoo helps but I’ve never tried it.
Granola
Godzilla lost her scales!
Merabella
white vinegar and baking soda.
Lady Harriet
I don’t dye my hair, but scrubbing my scalp with a paste of baking soda and water is the only thing that will get rid of my awful greasy dandruff. I don’t use it every time I wash my hair (I only use conditioner, no shampoo), but I find it works best if I use it every couple of washes to scour out the dandruff and degrease my roots. If I use it too often, my hair gets frizzy and it doesn’t take care of the dandruff as much.
I wish I could find something that would prevent dandruff in the first place, but baking soda is the first thing that would at least remove it, so it’s better than nothing.
AEK
This is a great clarifier, but it is NOT color-safe. This formula is actually recommended for removing color.
CountC
Thanks everyone! I use Pureology products which I believe are sulfate-free. I will look into the Matrix suggestion and try vinegar and baking soda in the meantime!
Mascot – I could add another wash, but that would mean I would have to style my hair more than once a week. WAAAHHHH. Haha. I usually straighten my hair on Sunday night and then don’t wash it again until the following Saturday. I have curly, dry hair so it can go almost a full week without looking completely gross.
TO Lawyer
It seems like we have similar hair types – I use the Aveda scalp benefits shampoo and conditioner recommended to me by my hair stylist and it really makes a huge difference. I’d recommend trying it! I can usually get by with one wash/straighten a week too.
AEK
Ack! Hope you’re still reading… baking soda & vinegar is NOT color safe! Baking soda is used to remove color.
Esquared
Tagging this so that I can check up on it later– same hair too! I like the Laureal sulfate free stuff… but I get dandruff sometimes so I switch back & forth w/ a shampoo for that.
lucy stone
I use some sort of ocean scented Head and Shoulders. It claims it is color safe and I haven’t had any problems.
cbackson
You guys, I just started watching Hart of Dixie last night. WHERE HAS THIS BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
AnotherLadyLawyer
Welcome!! Get ready to fall in loooveeee with HNW (Hot Neighbor Wade) and Lavon Hayes! And read the Fug Girls’ recap for each episode if you want a delightful laugh/to ogle HNW’s chest…
Bunkster
Yup. Love. I didn’t realize how much I missed it during the break until I watched it last night.
CountC
TEAM WADE!!
k-padi
Team Wade or Benedict Cumberbatch? That is THE question
Woods-comma-Elle
Welcome, it’s about time, it’s one of my favourite things on TV right now, if not maybe ever! There’s the West Wing, Mad Men and then there is Hart of Dixie! LOVE!
*reverie about shirtless Wade*
cbackson
If I hadn’t moved back to the south already, it would be making me seriously homesick! It is oddly accurate about certain things.
Gail the Goldfish
I’m pretty sure watching Hart of Dixie is what prompted me to start seriously pondering taking the NC bar and moving back south.
hellskitchen
Shirtless Wade I could handle but the towel-clad Wade goofing around that they showed last night? My my
Anne Shirley
I have just started watching (thanks to the hive) and do not understand Wade at all. How can you even look at him when Jason Street is in the room?
Gail the Goldfish
Well, Wade’s shirtless a lot more than George, so really it’s shirtless Wade vs. clothed George.
BLUE SUIT
I have been looking for a navy blue (not pinstripe) suit that looks professional but still stylish but haven’t found anything. I like the Gabe blazer from Theory but I think it might look a little too “trendy” because the jacket seems short. Anyone have any recommendations for something around $400? I am looking for something that is wool and lined.
TBK
J Crew? All my suits and J Crew.
TBK
and = are
chocochat
Not sure how tall you are, but on my 5ftnothing frame the Theory Gabe is longish.
Another brand I can think of for suiting at that price point is Ann Taylor. Their pencil skirts are the only ones I can wear all days without the skirt-move-around/ride-up problem, and they often come with matching blazers / trousers.
NOLA
love your name!
chocochat
Thank you, I came up with it in French class a loooong time ago.
phillygirlruns
+1 on this – i am about 5’3 with a short torso and the gabe b blazer is pretty long on me, particularly if i size up.
Chinarette
I was in the same boat and ended up with an Anne Klein suit from Macy’s. I usually go to JCREW or Ann Taylor for suiting and love Theory, so I was surprised that I found good options there. The Anne Klein suit separates are always in stock, and the same suit comes in black, navy and grey. The jacket was around $90 and the lined skirt was $60 on sale. It also comes with pants, although I don’t think those are lined. I’ll try to post a link after to avoid moderation.
Anon
Those ads on the right side about murder are creeping me out. Wish there was an option to hide them.
Anon
Adblock. ;)
LeChouette
HYPOTHETICAL!
Let’s say you applied for your dream job. Will not hear for months whether you’ll get it. Let’s say you’re planning starting to TTC in a year / 18 months. And now you have found out that dream job pays even less money than you hoped (low enough to make paying for potential child care for potential baby a serious challenge). For purposes of this question assume you are married but husband is not exactly raking in serious coin.
DO YOU:
(a) withdraw your application, as it’s not financially responsible
(b) apply and take the job if you get it, since who knows how long it might take to get pregnant, and just assume the $$$ will work itself out and/or you can quit the job for something higher paying if it becomes a serious hardship.
moss
b. Having a baby is always a gamble, you gotta go with what you’ve got. It’s always worth taking a chance… why withdraw your application?
anon
B.
Brant
(C). Apply, reevaluate once you have a salary offer, benefits package, idea of the work/life balance and an updated TTC status.
In absence of (C), then B. I’d kick my hypothetical self for not playing it out.
Meg Murry
I also vote for C, and also to read the ask a manager post yesterday or the day before on dream jobs, and how its really hard to tell if something is really your dream job based solely on the job description. Remember – dream job description =/= dream working environment, dream boss, dream coworkers or dream lifestyle.
k-padi
This–having found my “dream job” twice before! Never tell yourself that a job isn’t a “dream job”–you might surprise yourself!
Anon
B.
You never know what will happen in life.
Case in point – good friends budgeted, saved, planned etc. to be in a good financial position to be able to afford having a baby. They got pregnant almost immediately. With two babies :) that was NOT in the budget :) But life happens, and you adjust.
TBK
B!
Kontraktor
B. Can’t try to beat life at its own game too much.
little advice
i love this! need to remember this
ADL
B. That’s a lot of “what-ifs” – jobs and babies don’t always work like we want it to.
Also, I would encourage you to read Ask A Manager’s post about dream jobs; she just wrote on this. http://www.askamanager.org/2013/01/stop-thinking-youre-applying-for-your-dream-job.html
ouch
C! Apply, and reevaluate if/when you get the job and a better idea of the package, your TTC status, etc.
LeChouette
Thanks all! that is my inclination as well though I keep waking up in cold sweats about nanny expenses. I should have added that said dream job is the type of job where if I get an offer and decline that bridge is permanently burned and would make me look bad . . . so that’s sort of a worst case scenario. BUT, can’t plan life. Wish me luck. :)
k-padi
I don’t understand places like that–where the bridge is permanently burned if you don’t accept a job offer. They have a process that takes months and don’t pay enough for decent childcare?! Then they hate on anyone who doesn’t fall in line? Does. not. compute.
Emjay
B, because everything is negotiable. And somewhat on topic, I don’t remember who posted that great link to the Forbes blog She Negotiates, but thank you, because it’s awesome.
anon
Sounds like my dream job (AUSA in major, expensive metro area). I faced this and ended up withdrawing my application. I couldn’t figure out how to make the money work, no matter how hard I tried, and I was not willing to live in a shoebox with my baby in order to have a “dream job” that didn’t pay me enough to live.
Meee tooo
FASCINATING discussion yesterday on annual clothing expenditures. So, so interesting to see how people spend their money.
To the poster who was surprised by the number of people posting high salaries – I suspect that many/most of these posters with the high salaries work in BigLaw, where starting salary is usually 160K, and just goes up every year from that. Also, I think this site attracts a high number of super overachieving women who did very well in law school and thus were fortunate to obtain these sort of high paying jobs. Go ladies!
Also, I signed up for Mint but it is not compatible with my Nordstrom Visa card. So instead, I just went the old school route and downloaded my monthly bill into Excel, created categories for every purchase, and ran percentages on how much I spend each month on clothing, makeup, groceries, etc. I love this method and am going to try and employ it every month when I get my bill.
Legally Brunette
Agreed, I loved yesterday’s thread on spending. Gave me a lot to think about. I would love for Kat to do more posts like this.
whoops from yesterday
It was actually kind of awesome to see the salaries, because with our $300k – ish household income / DINK (so far), we make at least, oh, 6 times the amount of any of my relatives and friends. This site has been a godsend for me, because I can’t talk about ANY of this stuff with my real life friends – if I’m looking at a $300 purse for work the response I get is “why can’t you get something at Target or Kohls for $20?” Nothing against Target or Kohls (because I totally shop at those places too!) but if I want to spend money on something and can, I can’t talk about it with my friends because I feel guilty and they get pretty freaked out about how much I can spend. Comments like “gee, you need to stop spending so much money on clothes / food / fun stuff” have made it so I don’t bring it up at all anymore.
I like being somewhere in the middle (comparatively) instead of being way up in the stratosphere by myself.
ChandraNH
I agree. My husband and I (DINKs, non-attorneys) make so much more than either of our families (right at $182K HHI) and I feel so guilty about what we have and can do that my mother/sister/his family can’t do.
I was raised by a single mother who worked and worked and worked and I so want her to have everything i can give her (which is sometimes an issue for my husband as he doesn’t have the same qualms about his family).
I never talk about how much we make, owe, spend or travel with family because I’m so sensitive to it (and they never ask either).
mascot
c) Go into serious debt reduction/savings mode until you hear about the job for certain and make the decision then. There may be more money that they can negotiate or benefit that you don’t know about. Unless they have called you and said that the salary is their best and highest number- would you like to continue the application, I just don’t think you have enough information.
mascot
^^^ For LeChouette’s hypo obv.
long time lurker
I need dress help. I am going to a wedding of a DH relative. It is a big ostentatious affair judging by the invitation (DH’s relative is the groom) on a golf course type place in the Northeast in March. No church to worry about. No travel for us, we will drive. I have a standby wedding attire dress – it is a fave Diane Von Furstenberg and I love love it but have worn it to two weddings of DH’s family (5 years ago at least) and have appeared in the group family pictures wearing this dress. I will be in the “family shot” again in all probability. So as to avoid my inlaws having pictures of me wearing the same dress years apart on their mantle I need a new go to wedding guest dress.
My wardrobe is jeans and tshirts for weekends or suits/pants/cardigans for weekdays. I have no nice dresses that would work. I would like something that covers my shoulders, is not “formal” but can be dressed up with heels and accessories, and that is not long (I like my legs). Not too young and not matronly. I am 38, 5’11”, a size 10, like my legs and do not like my stomach. I am fair and look goods in blues, grays, dark greens and cranberry red. I look horrible in light green, yellow and am not a pink person. Any online suggestions? I have time to try on and return.
Thanks in advance!
Brant
ON a golf course in New England in March? Or at a golf/country club in New England in March? If you’re outside, you will be CHILLY!!
Susedna
To that end, can you get a nice wrap (or pashmina) in some color that suits your skin tone? If you are photographed with the wrap, it won’t be so obvious that you’re wearing the same dress. Plus, warmth.
long time lurker
I am fairly sure it is the indoor area – refers to a specific room in the golf course club facility. I should have been more clear. So bottom line a nice place but not a church.
Brant
that’s what I would have assumed, but hey, weddings can get crazy.
You should plan for snow / snowy weather, and be pleasantly surprised if there is none.
qwerty
it sounds like you’re looking for a versatile sleeved dress. Most UK brands pull that off beautifully, so i would recommend browsing the websites for Hobbs and Reiss. I’ve found their size conversion charts to be true to my US size.
TBK
J Crew origami dress.
long time lurker
This is cute, I like it.
Bette
I don’t think that dress is formal enough for a fancy wedding.
I would check out rent the runway. You can sort by height and see people with similar builds to you in the dresses.
Meg Murry
If you love your DvF so much, can you browse online to find another DvF in a similar cut but a different print? Unless its a really unique cut, no one will notice that its the same style in both pictures.
BTW, this is why I hate facebook photos – I hardly ever post pictures of myself there, so I’m only in photos where someone else tags me, often weddings. Oh look, there’s Meg in the exact same dress at 5 different people’s weddings! Few to no overlapping guests so in theory it shouldn’t matter, until all the pictures show up on Facebook at the same time. Ugh.
Bonnie
Second for finding a DVF in a different color or pattern. How about something like this? http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?FOLDERfolder_id=2534374306436538&PRODUCTprd_id=845524446498577&site_refer=AFF001&mid=13816&siteID=J84DHJLQkR4-z9SzVE2G1hZxoaZC1aZ3Sg&LScreativeid=1&LSlinkid=15&LSoid=203720&LSsid=J84DHJLQkR4
downstream
second the recommendation to stick with DvF – I love love the DvF Jori dress, which comes in many many colors, and there is also a DvF elbow-sleeved lace dress (Zarita) that looks pretty and also comes in many colors.
I am also in love with a Milly lace dress – if you search on the bloomingdales website for “Milly Liza” it will come up.
Agree that the J Crew Origami dress is not fancy enough – if you can wear a dress to work, it’s not fancy enough for a fancy wedding.
TBK
I’ve worn mine to several evening weddings with sparkly jewelry, evening shoes, and a pashmina. It definitely works as a semi-formal.
Anon for this
Loved the discussion yesterday about spending. I thought we could start a new poll – what is the most expensive clothing/accessory that you purchased in 2012, and has it been worth it from a cost per wear perspective? This idea came to me when I read the poster who spent $1200 on a cocktail dress.
I’ll start: Kate Spade bag purchased from an outlet, $220. It’s a great purse but it’s not my normal every day bag, and I probably only use it once a month for fancier events. I think it will be a good deal once I start using it more often.
cbackson
Ferragamo Varina flats, and they are already my most favorite shoes ever.
k-padi
Burberry trench (on sale). Super expensive but so versatile and so beautiful! I am a huge fan of Lands End/LL Bean but the Burberry quality is amazing. I just don’t like it that I don’t feel comfortable putting it in common coat areas where someone would be tempted to walk off with it.
Yellow
I got two pairs of Louboutin pumps this year and am in love. No other brand, even similarly priced (Jimmy Choo, Manolo, etc.) are a fraction as comfortable as these pumps.
so anon for this
$350 for a Hugo Boss shirt dress in bright blue. It was about 3x more than I usually spend for a dress but I love it and think it’s amortizing better than most.
elz
LKBennett Zahara wedges- around $260 and I have worn the HECK out of them. Best purchase last year, by far. They go with EVERYTHING (jeans, slacks, skirts) and are so comfy. My 2nd place would go to my Pippa Modalu bag-perfect size, shape, etc., probably around $200.
ChandraNH
Lo & Son’s OMG bag in army green for $275. Love, love, love it. It looks awesome and isn’t too big (I’m 5 ft and it doesn’t overwhelm me).
Lady Harriet
I got a pair of Earthies Essex pumps to wear to work. They were ~$125 on sale, although technically they were a birthday/Christmas present. They’re the most expensive wearable thing I’ve ever bought. It’s only in the last year that I’ve spent more than $35 on any article of clothing or accessory, and even then it’s only been shoes and bras. I love thrift shopping, though, and even if my small income increases I don’t plan to buy new things much more often than I do now.
Anon for this - trying again
Loved the discussion yesterday about spending. I thought we could start a new poll – what is the most expensive clothing/accessory that you purchased in 2012, and has it been worth it from a cost per wear perspective? This idea came to me when I read the poster who spent $1200 on a c*** dress.
I’ll start: Kate Spade bag purchased from an outlet, $220. It’s a great purse but it’s not my normal every day bag, and I probably only use it once a month for fancier events. I think it will be a good deal once I start using it more often.
Wow
I’ll play.
Winter coat, $300.
Given that I wear it every day during cold weather, it’s been a great deal from a cost per wear point of view. Also, I love the color – kelly green!
Diana Barry
Ditto on KS bag- I also bought one for about $200 at the outlet. And I bought a Lady Day coat at the end of the year, but it was marked down to $235. Both have been worth it!
Usually a suit is my most expensive purchase, but I didn’t buy any in 2012.
Brant
brown riding boots, ~$250. The end of my multi year quest.
Anastasia
Me too! I bought them a couple months ago and have worn them dozens of times already– they style works for weekends and office, and they’re warm and comfortable. Worth every penny.
Also, a Kate Spade bag I bought online, final sale for around $200… I carried it almost every day during the summer on principle because I spent that much. I got lots of compliments, but I don’t love the shape of it for functionality.
Herbie
I’ll play. Proenza Schoeler bag. I’m not telling you how much it cost. Suffice to say it was a very, VERY naughty purchase on my part. However, I carry it almost every single day, and I get compliments on it all the time. And I totally love it.
Herbie
* oops, that would be Schouler. I hear the Proenza Schoelers from street vendors are less expensive, much like Friendi purses.
qwerty
prada tote. i carry it to work about 50% of the time (the other 50% of the time im leaving it home to protect it from the elements) and always use it for work travel and court. it was my first ever bag purchase that was geared toward work appropriateness and it makes me feel like a bazillion bucks.
MaggieLizer
It’s a tie for me. Got my first strand of good pearls for myself for my birthday and a diamond and sapphire ring at a sale. I spent about $600 on each and wear them 3+ times a week. They’re heirloom pieces I’ll have forever, so totally worth it imo.
CKB
Fossil purse- $160. I use it almost daily in the fall/winter/spring when I’m wearing a neutral colored coat or jacket (bag is red) Excellent value.
Susedna
The Paper London Rayleigh dress:
http://www.paperlondon.com/dresses/Rayleigh-Dress-Multi
It worked out to approx. $625 (US) when I bought it. I didn’t buy anything for months as a result of that purchase. I only wore it 5 times in 2012. Current cost per wear: $125.
But I love, love, love this dress and hope to wear it at least as many times in 2013.
qwerty
that is such a cool dress!
FP
I bought a LV wallet that I am jazzed about (the “Sarah” wallet). It was a combo of a little birthday money from my grandparents, selling a few unwanted wallets (Coach and Kate Spade) on eBay, and “Happy 30th Birthday to me”. I love it and use it every day.
Ru
I spent $3k-4k on 22k jewelry from Turkey last year. For me, two bracelets and two pairs of earrings. For my sister, a pendant and chain. And a pair of earrings for our mother. I love every piece so much.
Nonny
Hobbs Burnstein dress (navy blue pinstripe, 3/4 sleeves, nicely fitted). Price about $320 once you factor in the exchange rate and shipping costs. Totally worth it in my opinion because I had been looking for a new work dress with sleeves for absolutely ages. This fits the bill and I feel like a million bucks when I wear it. (But I wouldn’t complain if Hobbs fixed their North American shipping process. Right now the agent’s shipping fee is just way too high.)
Cat
Burberry short quilted jacket, $500 (my “bonus gift”-to-self last January). Worn nearly daily Jan-March thanks to the mild winter, and again multiple times/week this fall and winter, apart from the really cold days. Ironically I usually refuse to purchase anything that is not well marked down, but I’m probably getting a better cost/wear for it than any of my “ooh, $500 sheath dress for $120” purchases.
Also, I’ve learned that at least for this product, I wasn’t only paying for the brand name — that sucker keeps the wind out really well.
Lalo
I bought this for myself as a milestone present in early November. I live in Southern California so I haven’t had much time to wear it yet, but it’s definitely my go to jacket if it’s too cool to wear my trench. Basically, I love this jacket and am so glad I bought it.
meme
Well, this thread is making me feel a little pathetic. I have little kiddos and don’t get out shopping much. My most expensive single purchase was a coach wallet at the outlet for about $80. Tying for second are two JCrew No. 2 pencil skirts for $73 each on sale at Christmas time.
CKB
Don’t worry – I feel slightly pathetic too. I can count the number of items that cost over $100 in my wardrobe on one hand! 3 kids with a dh who has inconsistent work here. I’m just thankful that I make decent money in a job that I’m not expected to wear suits or $100+ clothing items. My budget wardrobe works just fine, and I actually get complimented on my style semi-regularly.
NOLA
Oh, don’t feel bad. I don’t think I have anything near these splurges. I spend $100-$150 pretty often on shoes or bags. I have 4 Kate Spade bags and I don’t think I spent more then $150 on any of them. My biggest splurges have problem been shoes around $150. I’ve only recently given myself permission to not always buy on sale.
I guess jewelry, though. I recently bought myself a silver and diamond pendant and it was around $215. Total whim when I was in NYC, but I’ve already worn it a lot because it’s fairly delicate and neutral so it goes with everything.
NOLA
Ha ha, that’s “probably” not “problem” Hmmm…. I might have a problem with my shoe spending.
moss
I think my most expensive thing I bought last year was a sale cardigan for $25 from Land’s End. I love it and do wear it.
I bought a painting for 370$ so that was my most splurgey non-fashion purchase.
Gail the Goldfish
Kate Spade bag for work that I got in a sample sale in May for about $250. I use it pretty much every day and get compliments on it all the time.
buffybot
Wedding dress….I can only assume that the cost-per-wear will be abominable.
I also bought a new winter coat that worked out to be about $900. It felt like a lot, but I was replacing a similarly-priced winter coat that I had worn and loved for 6+ years, and I had spent probably the last 2 years looking for a suitable replacement. Hoping my cost-per-wear turns out similar to that coat, which would work out to mere dollars.
AIMS
You could always wear it around the house. My mom – who admittedly had a very unconventional raisin colored dress for her first wedding – used to wear it quite a bit and eventually even relegated it to chores. For some reason that last bit really amused her.
anon
This is embarrassing. Wedding dress was $6,000.00 (not worth it). Yigal Azrouel coat was $1,200.00 (on sale!) and I’m obsessed with it.
Marilla
Kate Spade bag for me too. Bought in January 2012 for maybe $170 (including cross-border customs charges) and have used almost daily since then. It’s perfect for work and I get tons of compliments on it — just a neutral, classic grey bag that holds all my stuff. (I don’t carry files back and forth but do always carry umbrella, lunch, wallet, occasional library book.)
More recently in Nov 2012 I bought brown flat riding-style leather boots for about $270, after wanting a pair for the past 3 years and continually denying myself because it was frivolous and wasteful. Again, wear constantly, love them, so comfortable, and good quality unlike older $100 boots I would buy and then wear only for one winter. It’s been a mild winter too (or maybe Toronto is just mild weather forever) and not too snowy, so I’m back in them after only a few weeks of my good La Canadienne winter boots.
KS IT Chick
Pair of Clark’s heeled booties, for about $160. My husband told me I needed new brown leather shoes and/or powerful shoes, and he took me shoe shopping one Saturday morning.
I have been known to try on every pair of shoes within a specific category (brown Mary Jane’s, black loafers, etc) in the store & not find anything. That day, these were the first shoes I tried on, then I tried on about half a dozen more, and then I came back to these and said “I want them.”
AnnonFoo
TJ about recruiter
Ladies, I could use some help on how to word my email regarding this situation.
I have been contacted a few times by a recruiter from a very well reputed company (consistently in top places to work) asking if I would like to interview and looking for a move. At present I am happy where I am but I would like to keep my contact with the recruiter open if I am looking to move later in the year or next year. He is directly from company HR, not a third party headhunter. I don’t want to interview immediately because honestly I am just not prepared, they are known to have very tough interview cycles. I really need to brush my skills tested in interviews which can get rusty in a day to day job. What is the best way to tell him I want to keep contact but just not interview immediately? I don’t want to do poorly and then get barred for interviewing for next 2 years.
I am not a lawyer with the best persuasive written skills, you ladies write so well, looking for some ideas here.
Thanks in advance.
momentsofabsurdity
I think it’s perfectly fine to send a note back being like
“Thank you for thinking of me. At present, I’m very happy at XX Company, but I will likely be considering a move later in 2013 or in early 2014 and I think YY Company could be an excellent fit. Perhaps it would make sense to reopen conversations later this year, when we will both be in a place to discuss your hiring needs for that time. In the meantime, I’d be happy to keep in contact.”
Herbie
I don’t know that I’d go so far as even saying that you’ll likely be considering a move. Maybe just, thanks for thinking of me; I’m not looking to make a move presently, but please keep me in mind for future opportunities.”
momentsofabsurdity
Good point, that may be TMI to even mention you’re considering it.
Susedna
Agree. You never know who’ll see that message.
AnnonFoo
Thanks everyone, this helps.
Anon
I am an attorney at a big firm in the South, and am headed out to a CLE in San Francisco later in month, and wondering what to wear. I’ve noticed that conferences of the type I’m going often feature young attorneys and exec since it deals with emerging trends in Internet law, and that the California attorneys seem to dress a little more business casual–one of the male panelists from California at a similar conference I attended last year in NYC even wore jeans with sport coat. I’d like to make sure to network at the conference, so I want to be careful not to be too casual, but I don’t want to overdress in courtroom attire either. Any suggestions on what to wear?
FWIW
I’m a Southern California attorney, but have been to conferences in San Francisco. I think you would be fine in a dress with non-matching blazer or a nice sweater/top with skirt or pants. I think you’re right not to wear full-on courtroom attire. Also, SF can be very cold, so make sure you have a warm overcoat!
k-padi
This. Layers in SF are crucial and don’t forget a scarf! The blazer is less about formality and more about just having a warm layer so a cardigan or knit jacket is also appropriate. With a skirt or dress, I’d wear tights.
darby
i’d say any mix of slacks/sweater/blazer, etc. is fine. in my experience at CLE’s, you see a lot of jeans. i rarely go in “network” mode to these things, so i tend to wear jeans to them & it’s pretty common. a suit/courtroom attire would read to me as “trying too hard” or maybe one of the guest speakers, so not the end of the world if you went that route. i’d also suggesting wearing or bringing flats/lower heeled shoes with you as it’s hilly here & not always so easy to walk in heels. and dress warm/bring layers — it doesn’t snow here, but it’s chilly. in general, don’t worry too much — SF is nowhere nearly as clothing rule focused as other parts of the US. i’ve said it before, but some of the discussions on here are baffling and educational to me on that front.
Anon
These are very helpful suggestions. Thanks so much.
frugal doc
In reference to yesterday’s Pashmina post, there are big sales at Nimli on their Pashminas. 75% off. Beautiful colors, and some lovely two-toned ones.
http://www.nimli.com/accessories/scarves-wraps
frugal doc
Also an extra 10% off with coupon code.
CBM
Can anyone vouch for the quality of these? I have been looking for pashminas for bridesmaid gifts and these colors are perfect!
Batgirl
I’m having a mole removed today and I’m nervous! Has anyone had this done before? Any words of comfort/advice? I know it’s not a big deal, but I’m still nervous about being awake while they do it and scarring after the fact (it’s above my eyebrow).
Brant
I’ve had several taken off, but none were on my face–I know the protocol for that is a bit different. With mine, I had substantial scarring for a while (years) until it finally faded. BUT BUT BUT my mother AND sister have had facial moles removed and have no (or so small I don’t notice) scarring.
Brant
Oh, and this is gross, but if they use heat/lasers to take it off (again- not sure how facial ones are done), try not to breath through your nose while they do it. The smell is awful.
Batgirl
Ew, thanks! I’m doing this with a plastic surgeon since it’s my face, so the scarring should be minimal. But still!
Emjay
Using a plastic surgeon is the smartest move you could make. I am fair and live in southern CA, and despite religious sunblock use, have to get a few moles removed every year. The scar has varied with the method used to remove the mole so far, but I’ve used a derm every time because it’s usually my back or a thigh. They do not seem to have the aesthetic aspect down pat as a plastic surgeon would. My significant other is a plastic surgeon and he won’t let me even get Botox unless it’s done by a plastic surgeon.
Godzilla
I have had a cyst-turned-keloid removed from my jawline, which was pretty involved but I didn’t feel a thing, I promise. I started laughing at one point cuz I could feel tugging but no pain whatsoever, it was the weirdest sensation. Be prepared to be bored, though. They will inject you with anesthetics and depending on the size of your mole and the medication they pick, it can take 20-30 min before they’re ready to work on you. Bring a book/make sure your electronic devices are fully charged.
Definitely ask the doctor what follow-up painkillers you should take but I think a general rule of thumb is 2-3 advil afterwards. You will feel it after the anesthesia wears off.
SunnyD
Not a big deal at all! If you’re going to a dermatologist, then it’s just like getting a mole removed from anywhere else. Since it’s on your face, I’m hoping you’re seeing a plastic surgeon. If that’s the case, I’ve had probably five moles removed from my face over the last ten years by a plastic surgeon (although I have yet to find out why I’m such a moley girl…). Anyway, in my experience, they inject the mole to numb it. Wait about five minutes. Then they “surgically” remove the mole and all I’ve ever felt is pressure—no pain. They put in one or two stitches below the skin (the kind that dissolve) and then a couple of stitches on the surface (that have to be removed by a nurse after about 5 days). Sometimes I’ve had a slight headache afterward.
I’ve been able to go running the day after the removal without any problems. After the stitches come out, I’ve always massaged the site to keep any scar from forming and to dissolve the internal stitches. Also I’ve made sure to keep that area out of the sun for a long time because sun can make scars worse (or at least I’ve read that’s true). And I don’t have any scars from any of the former moles.
It’s really not a big deal. And you’ll be glad you got it taken off.
cc
I had a mole removed from my nose. It was so easy! I went in to have it looked at, and the doctor was like prob benign but we will just remove it and test it. Why don’t you lie down. And I was like what?? NOW, today?? And he was like yes it is easy. He did a shot of something in my nose I think. Honestly I forget how he numbed it. And then he scraped it off with a razor. Took about 5 minutes, no lie. There was def a little crater after it, but it healed up well within 2 weeks. And there is still a tiny scar (about 4 months later) but it is less noticible than the mole was.
Susedna
I had a huge, raised mole taken off my waistline with a scalpel. It’d been there awhile, but then it changed shape and color, so it had to go.
With the local anesthesia, I didn’t feel a thing! There was no scarring, although in my case, I had 2 stitches put in (and removed). It’s impossible to know where that mole had been because there’s really no trace of it now.
That said, the week post mole-removal, I really enjoyed wearing babydoll tops with low-rise pants. It was fun sparking pregnancy rumors because some of my coworkers were just that nosy.
MaggieLizer
I had a spot removed from my hip 6 or 7 years ago. They removed a pretty big area and cut in pretty deep (there were concerned it was cancerous) so there’s still a little scar there, but it’s not noticeable unless I point it out. Actually it’s gotten hard for ME to find in the past few years. Is anyone going with you? I’m a huge baby about stuff like this and it always helps me to have a cheerleader in the waiting room. Good luck, you’re going to be OK.
Coalea
I had a small (4 mm, I think) mole removed from my cheek a year or two ago. The procedure was performed by a dermatologist and took about a minute.
She injected the area with a numbing agent, confirmed that I was numb, and then removed the mole. The nurse gave me a small, round Band-Aid to cover the area, which I was able to remove either later that day or first thing the next day. There was virtually no scar and no pain.
The only downside was that the mole grew back, which the derm warned me was possible. The “new” mole is flat, whereas the “old” one was raised (part of my concern in the first place).
Good luck with your procedure – you will do great!
Batgirl
Thanks, gang! You’re always so reassuring!
I’m having it done by a plastic surgeon since it’s my face and all. They’ll make an incision, remove it, then stitch it up. It’s a raised, skin-colored mole, but I really hate it–it’s all I see when I look in the mirror these days so I’m sure I’ll be happy to have had it done.
Anon
Hurts less than getting your ears pierced. You’ll be fine.
lucy stone
I have it done all the time. Usually it’s either painless or a quick sting. Be sure to follow the aftercare instructions and use lots of Aquaphor or Vaseline.
Esquared
My bf gets a few taken off each year & he always lives to tell the tale. :)
I was going to suggest the plastic surgery thing, but you’ve got that covered already.
Good Luck!
Fairly Legal
I’m just wondering if an idea I have for my boyfriend’s birthday is too sappy. I”m a little nervous he’s not going to like the gift I got him (a shower speaker that plays music from your ipod/computer that is plugged into a dock in a different room), so I thought of a cute card idea. It’s his 25th birthday, so I thought I’d write 25 things I find endearing about him. Most of the list would probably be funny, but is this too cutesy? Or would it look like I’m trying too hard or being obsessive? We’ve only been dating four months but it’s going really well and I do think he’s the type of guy who would appreciate something like that. Thanks in advance for the input.
SunnyD
I just did this for a guy I’ve been dating for two months and he loved it (also the type of guy who I figured would appreciate something like that). It was a mix of funny and sappy crap. I say go for it.
shortiek
Go for it! I did something similar for my SO at Christmas and he really liked it.
TheoSTL
I’ve been married for four years, and my husband still likes me to tell him what I like about him. We do the cheesy framed “I love you because ____” with a dry erase marker, and I try to write in what I like about him at least a few times each week.
Susedna
This is so sweet. :-)
AIMS
Not a comment on the 25 things idea but just wanted to tell you that I got the shower speaker for an ex and he LOVED it. He was the hardest person to shop for because he bought himself everything he could possibly want and this was by far my most successful present to him in all our years together. It broke around year 4 and I still remember the mad dash to Sharper Image to replace it lest he have one more silent shower to go through. I bet your boyfriend will love it much more than you think, esp. once he starts using it. Hell, I still miss having that shower speaker and your post just made me think I should order one for myself!
lucy stone
I did this for my now husband after we’d been dating for a year or two. He loved it.
AFT
What’s a good brand of pen to send as a thank you gift?
TheoSTL
I don’t know what your budget is, but I’ve given Cross, Parker, and Montblanc pens as gifts.
(former) Clueless Summer
Lamy pens are actually super amazing – and more cool, if it’s a younger/hipper type person.
In House Counsel
TJ with a query to corporette moms — when did you feel better about handling the work/baby balance?
As a new mom to the 5 month old, I’ve been back at work for a couple months now and struggle on a daily basis to feel like I’m not failing at both. Either feeling like I’m rushing to get to work on time and having no time to really enjoy my little one (since when I get home its often time to nurse and put her to bed) and feeling like I’m working against the clock to get as much done at work in between pumping and wanting to get home in time to relieve childcare. When do you feel you’ve found your footing with the whole working mom thing?
Just trying to figure out what I can do to prevent feeling to stretched thin even as I recognize that I do have a supportive spouse and family help for the baby
Anon
I’d say it got better around a year, when I was able to stop pumping, baby was nursing so much less often and he finally started sleeping through the night consistently. I’d say months 5-9 were the hardest due to the exact same reasons you described. Hang in there. It really does get better.
Midwest
Ditto.
Blonde Lawyer
I don’t have kids but I just wanted to offer a thought. I feel exactly how you describe just trying to balance work and life with no kids involved. I’m not sure how long your maternity leave was but maybe you are looking back at pre-kids time with rose colored glasses? I’m not saying that things haven’t become considerably harder. But, do you think instead of going from 00-100 you instead went from 60-100? Maybe if you can recall being time strapped pre-kiddo you will realize you handled it then and can handle it now? I read your post after mentally calculating how I was going to meet with the vendor, pick up cat food, drop off donations, call client, meet with partner, meet with junior, finish my work, have dinner with hubby, pack for trip, practice piano and oh crap, board meeting, all in the same day. I know life is a kid is so much more and more important than those random things I listed above. But, life is always pretty crazy demanding and if you remember that, you might not be as hard on yourself with the guilt.
mascot
There are the regular suggestions like prep everything the night before, outsource housework, etc. that will help. I had to get comfortable with the idea that we won’t get hours of parent/child interaction during the week. Focus on quality, not quantity. Weekends are full of family time. We try to be present when present and put away the phones during the bedtime routine/meals/playtime so we can focus on us. It also helps that when they start interacting more as they get older so you can really tell they are enjoying it and you enjoy doing things with them. Personally, I much prefer the toddler years to the infant phase.
Also, if you are feeling really overwhelmed, sad, anxious, irritable, and/or unable to focus, talk to your doctor. Postpartum depression and anxiety are very real possibilities until about a year after baby is born. There are resources and bf-friendly medications that can make a huge difference.
Research, Not Law
I find 9 months to be the tipping point. You’ll one day realize that you’re not drowning anymore. I’ll be completely honest in that you’ll still have periods where you feel like you’re failing at both, but it will stop feeling like that daily. Hang in there! It may sounds a long way off now, but it will happen soon.
Anon Momma
Honestly, I didn’t start feeling better until just recently (my daughter is almost 11 months). I still don’t feel great about it, but a few things helped. I have really dedicated myself to working smarter – meeting reduction/consolidation, checking email only periodically and using the pomodoro technique to really get through the harder work. Because my productivity has actually increased, I don’t feel guilty about my hours. This, in turn, gives me a little more time with my baby AND allows me to enjoy my time with her more. I have also been pretty firm about not being available for weekend/evening work or travel. I recognize the risk that I am taking with this (job-wise), but DH and I are comfortable with the potential consequences. I was also diagnosed with hyperthyroid and start taking meds when my daughter was around 10 months. I know that this played a big part in my constant anxiety about being away from my daughter/failing at work/etc. Not saying that this is the case for you, of course, but it was a critical component for me.
I know that the pumping is hard, and my only advice is to bring multiple sets of pump parts or just put them in the fridge between sessions so you are not spending time rinsing them. I must say, I miss breastfeeding, but I do not miss my pump, not even a little bit. I know it’s hard to believe, but time does help. If you don’t get used to it, just remember that you can always explore other options. Reminding myself of this has really helped take the pressure off and has given me breathing room to really examine what I do and don’t like about my current situation.
Away Game
Honestly, I think you had best just get used to the feeling. I can offer only sympathy, but no solutions. I don’t think there is a perfect balance. My youngest is six, in kindergarten, and it still feels like I’m rushing both at work and at home. OTOH: The kids seem happy, well-adjusted, and still tell me they love me, so I don’t think I’m inflicting horrible damage. I just had a review at work, and my boss had some good suggestions for me but is generally pleased. My SAHM friends are also stressed and feel like they don’ t have enough time in the day for everything.
I suspect it’s just parenthood.
Diana Barry
With baby #1, I felt better at about a year old. Then we finally, FINALLY sleep trained at night so that I wasn’t such a zombie all the time. Getting up at night, even once, really messes with your sanity.
Can you pump in your office? And can you get additional work/hours in after baby goes to bed at night? I do get work done while pumping – either proofreading or research on interwebs – that only requires one hand (use the other hand to hold the pump, or use a handsfree setup).
Hang in there!!!
anon
I felt better at 9 months. I really think it takes nine months for your body to have a baby and another full nine months to recover from having a baby. Five to nine months was really, really hard and I totally empathize with what you’re going through.
One thought: for me, pumping was not worth it. I stopped at six months because I couldn’t figure out a way to pump, do my work, and see my kid. Everyone is different — but for me, every minute I spent pumping was a minute I was not spending with my kid, and the milk just wasn’t worth it. It meant that I stopped nursing at 6 months, but that was a tradeoff I was willing to make in exchange for more time with my baby.
Another thought: if you can, i found it was very worthwhile to go part time. Others may disagree, but working four, versus five, days a week made me feel like everything was better.
And finally, I echo the concern about PPD. I’m pretty sure I had untreated PPD that kicked in around five months. It’s a real risk. If you’re feeling hopeless, please don’t hesitate to get care.
Hang in there. I thought my heart would break every single day when I was at your stage, and then suddenly at nine months, it just felt better. I hope it gets better for you too.
Divaliscious11
I’ll let you know when it happens…mine are 9 and 11…….
No seriously, once I was able to get more than 2.5 hours a sleep I started feeling better. Didn’t mean it actually got any easier, but I could think clearly.
In House Counsel
Thank you for all the thoughtful and encouraging replies. I guess I’d thought that the newborn (0-3 month) stage was to be the hardest hump but am finding it much more challenging now. Anyway as always this site is a treasure trove of good suggestions.
Sugar Magnolia
Oh, and read this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-morrison/motherhood_b_2271349.html
It’s an article explaining why you are never failing as a mother
Sugar Magnolia
My little one is 3 months old, and I returned to work over a month ago. [Don’t get me started on how much I didn’t want to do that, and had to!]
Anyway, I think that part of the issue is putting too high of expectations on ourselves, and beating ourselves up about the balance issue. I don’t get much time with my baby in the morning, but I make up for it by being very focused on her on weekends and in the evenings.
And my work is important and valuable, and necessary. And my child is happy and healthy. And I bet yours is too.
Don’t regret the time you don’t have with your child, treasure the time you do have.
I actually have that on a post-it on my computer here in the office, and it really helps.
Now, I need to get back to work so I can get out of here on time tonight!
Divaliscious11
Sigh – Is anyone else seriously lacking motivation to get much done? I had a seriously insane last year, and while I had a relatively restful vacation, I am struggling to get back into my work groove, and I know its going to catch up to me, and then I’ll be slammed again…..
qwerty
totally in the same boat. i have been fumbling my way through a half day’s work everyday since i’ve been back.
Dragging..
Diva, yes, I’m in the same non-motivation period as you. Trying to snap out of it.
Amelia Bedelia
I am working from home for the fourth time in 2 weeks. And i use the term “working” very, very loosely . . . I just canNOT get motivated.
Divaliscious11
I’ve resorted to cleaning my inbox and my office … I DO have three things I need to deliver, and with focus, I could easily wrap in 45 minutes, just can’t get interested in doing them……
Divaliscious11
Oh, and I have mapped out all my vacation time for 2013…..
Dessert Doctor
Definitely suffering from the same problem. I’m currently blaming the grey, rainy weather here in the DC-area, but really I don’t have a good excuse for why I simply cannot focus today (or any day for the past week).
AIMS
This is basically my general pattern at work lately: procrastinate and then go through a stressful day or two to catch up, rinse, repeat.
Going to NOLA!
TJ – Hey NOLA, I’m a long time reader, first time poster. We’re going to NOLA this weekend for my husband’s 30th bday and wanted to see if you had any recs for places to eat besides the touristy/big names like Acme Oyster House and Mother’s. Staying at a house in Marginy close to the Quarter. Appreciate any help!
NOLA
First of all, it’s cold (in the 40s today) and it’s been raining for about a week. Check the forecast. You might need rainboots!
If you’re interested in places near where you’re staying, Marigny Brasserie is fun for brunch. Also Praline Connection is in the Marigny. I’ve never been there but have heard it’s great. Lil’ Dizzy’s is a local politico hangout in Treme. Presidents have eaten there. The Baquet family makes great food. It’s pretty close to where you’ll be – I think Esplanade between the overpass and Rampart. Otherwise, let me know if you’re interested in coming Uptown and I’ll make some other recommendations. I don’t spend much time downtown. Also, if you’re looking for splurges or budget-friendly.
Alison
Just found a coupon code for Thomas Pink – WOMENS10 for an extra 10% off, plus free shipping
Herbie
*shakes fist at sky* wish I’d known that before I ordered a dress from them last week.
NOLA
Quick question about LinkedIn. I just got a connection invitation from my uncle. We grew up together (we’re fairly close in age) but I don’t really keep in touch. I had come across his profile yesterday because he’s connected to my brother. I accepted – I didn’t mind that he asked. He’s actually a high-powered business guy and I’m a lowly academic. Would he have seen that I viewed his profile?
mascot
Depends on your settings and his settings. It’s LinkedIn, it’s ok to look at people’s profiles, it’s encouraged, it’s well, kinda the point, no?
Although if you are internet stalking someoen, you can turn your settings to basically anonymous. You won’t be able to see who viewed you while they are set like that though.
Susie
Jinx!
mascot
*someone
Also, you can use the Google cache feature to see a profile anonymously too if you don’t want to keep changing your settings.
NOLA
Oh, that’s interesting! I don’t really care if he knows I saw his profile. Just curious. I probably haven’t looked at my profile since I set it up.
Susie
It depends what your profile settings are. There is a setting for “Select what others see when you’ve viewed their profile”. If you set it up so you are anonymous when you look at other peoples profiles then you can not see who has viewed your profile.
momentsofabsurdity
Tangential question on LinkedIn – I received a connection request from someone I’m pretty sure I don’t know – but he lives/works in my city so it’s conceivable we could have met and I’ve just forgotten him. We don’t share any mutual connections. What do you do with these requests?
Statutesq
I run into that situation a lot, and I used to just accept. Then I started get a lot of emails from people wanting to pitch some business service. Now I just accept the people that it looks like I may have similar interests and/or can foresee a mutually beneficial relationship.
NOLA
I generally ignore them. I have gotten requests from unsuccessful job candidates and I have also probably gotten requests from people who know my name because I’m a contributor on a blog where people who hire answer questions for people who are seeking jobs.
Susie
If the person doesn’t bother to write a brief note introducing themselves/citing a common connection or group/why they want to connect then I don’t accept or decline the invites, I just let them sit.
Not Snark
This question is not meant as a snark – I am genuinly interested in the answer.
On an earlier thread someone posted about submitting applications to law school. What is the motivation to do that given you have heard about the skyrocketing tuition and the scarcity of jobs that will service the debt?
I guess I am wondering because law school was a dream of mine for a long time but I no longer see it as a realistic option. And I am disappoint about that.
roses
Law school is still a relatively sound investment if you’re going to a top 14-ish (maybe someone would say 10 or 5) school and you either 1) are willing to work in Biglaw for at least several years to pay off your debt, 2) you are interested in, and have a background that makes you attractive for, a public interest job, AND your school has a generous Loan Repayment Assistance Program, or 3) you get a generous scholarship that allows you to have a wider range of job options upon graduation.
cfm
agree with this.
Anon
That’s assuming y0u can work in biglaw just because you want to. Just going to a T-14 won’t get you that.
momentsofabsurdity
I recommend posting this on the Open Thread for more responses.