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These alphabet pendant charms from Monica Vinader are only $135 at Nordstrom. The shapes of the letters are really bold and interesting, but each one is small enough to be a jewelry-as-art sort of thing, where it doesn't really look like anything until you're close up and realize it's an initial. You could give one to someone who recently changed her name or had a child or wants to celebrate a family name — either to wear on a bracelet or a necklace chain. Whether you buy one for someone else or for yourself, these are always great. Nordstrom has several letters in stock right now (B, C, D, M, T, W), but many more (though not all) are available at MonicaVinader.com (which lets you do a search by letter). Alphabet Pendant Charm
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
It does seem like a good *gift* idea, but it’s something I’d never wear myself. Also, you can find these for a LOT less than $135.
Ellen
Agreed, but these are QUALITY. There are guys from Botswana selling gold pendants on the corner of 33rd and 3rd, but those are fake, and will stain your neck, or your kid’s neck once the cheep gold paint chips off. These are from NORDSTROMs, which connote’s high quality, and Dad says it ALWAYS pays to buy quality, so I do. I recommend you look around and see what you get. Dad says you get what you pay for and I agree. If you pay less you get less, which is NOT a good thing. FOOEY on those fake pendant’s! My ex got cheep jewelery from Dwayne Reed or some other place, and I just threw it right out in front of him. He had alot of nerve b/c I spent almost $100 on him and he buys me this junk for $3.99? DOUBEL FOOEY on that! I could only imageine what it would have been like to be married to that schlub! TRIPEL FOOEY!
Anonymous
But will they have the serif? :-)
Senior Attorney
Ha! So funny they’re all in different fonts and mine doesn’t even have the serif!
book gift recs?
Can anyone recommend stellar non-fiction they’ve read that isn’t on the indie-bestseller list? My grandpa still goes to his local bookstore, but they stock a very small inventory, chosen straight from the published lists with very little variation. I’d like to find him something that he hasn’t seen.
Interests are Democrats, space/physics, jazz, and religious philosophy. But he’s a smart guy, and would probably be interested in most things if they were very well written.
Lobbyist
The Monk of Mokha by Dave Eggers was really good. Its about a poor kid from SF who returns to his native Syria in the middle of civil war and ends up becoming a coffee exporter. I don’t even drink coffee but the story was compelling and inspirational.
Anonymous
I just finished Evolving Brains, Emerging Gods: Early Humans and the Origins of Religion, which was incredible. Well researched and still easy to read.
pugsnbourbon
Ooh, this sounds interesting. Going to check it out for myself!
Never too many shoes...
The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down – not recent but so compelling. The story of a Hmong girl in California who suffered from serious seizures and the intersection between Western medicine and traditional beliefs.
Housecounsel
I LOVED The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down! It was so fascinating! I will also recommend Coronary, about a Medicare fraud qui tam case and the race between two whistleblowers, and Bad Blood, about Theranos.
MKB
+1 to the Bad Blood recommendation – just finished that, and it was riveting
BB
There’s a whole after-story about how that book may have not been totally accurate/true. Doesn’t make the book any less great as a read though. In my opinion the debate afterwards adds to how fascinating the story is!
Celia
Which book might not be totally accurate? The Medicare fraud of Theranos?
Anon
I have no idea what is on the indie bestseller list, but my go-to non-fiction in the science-y realm is the Bill Bryson catalog (starting with A Short History of Nearly Everything) and Mary Roach’s books (Stiff and Packing for Mars were excellent). Also, I really loved The Secret Life of Lobsters, about the decline in lobsters off the coast of Maine. Sounds odd, but it was very well-written and fascinating.
anon a mouse
The View From Flyover Country is a great left-leaning look at politics in the country.
Word Freak is not recent, but really fun.
Sunflower
“Bad Blood” by John Carreyrou. Best book I read all year.
nuqotw
Galileo’s Daughter by Dava Sobel. It tells the story of Galileo’s life and science, including his clash with the Inquisition, through his correspondence with his older daughter.
Anonymous
I liked Packing for Mars. It’s about the scientific research that’s going on right now in preparation for eventual manned missions to Mars. She’s written a lot of other interesting books, too.
Wedding attire help!!!
Going to a wedding this weekend – it’s an outdoors wedding in a garden and the dress code is “semi formal”. Weather is likely to be in the mid 50s. What do I wear?!?! Is a sheath dress with tights not fancy enough? Can I wear a jacket given it’s gonna be really cold? Never been to an outdoor winter wedding before, need some guidance pls!
Panda Bear
I cannot have fun when I’m cold, so I say yes to a jacket if you’ll be chilly. I think the sheath dress & tights will be fine with some sparkly jewelry and fancier-than-usual heels. Alternatively I’d go with long sleeved dress with more of a party vibe than the usual sheath, say something in velvet or lace, or with a swishy skirt.
Katie
Could you find a vintage fur or faux fur stole to wear over your shoulders? (If you don’t have a moral problem with fur, of course. I don’t love fur, but I have less of an issue with vintage fur, given the animal was dead long before I was born…) Tights, velvet, sleeves, and some sparkly jewelry to jazz it up are all great ideas.
Anonymous
I would try to find a velvet or lace long sleeve or a cropped velvet top over a sheath, some fun jewelry and fun shoes. Olf navy has velvet tops right now that are nice. Add a fun leather jacket, faux fur piece or your regular knee length wool coat.
ON also has some fun cropped moto jackets in faux suede that would work here!
Anonymous
Ugh, who does this to their guests? Winter wedding people – please do them indoors!
Anon
Winter wedding (coming up soon!) here, and I put the kibosh on outdoor venues. I don’t care if it’s pretty, historic, or tented. People can do amazing things with tents. But having everyone inside will just be more comfortable and will also set the expectation that it will be a comfortable event.
Anon
Yes, wear a jacket. Mid 50’s sounds like it should be pleasant enough in a jacket. A sheath dress is fine. If the reception is also outdoors, I would imagine that they would have space heaters.
Rainbow Hair
This sounds like an occasion for … an LJ! Seriously, I think a cropped leather/moto jacket over a sheath dress with tights and some blingy accessories would be cuteAF. Maybe not entirely semi-formal (change the sheath dress into something cocktaily?) but close enough for an outside (why) winter wedding.
ER
I would wear a sweater dress, FLEECE TIGHTS and my Patagonia down jacket. I would care not at all about how it looked in the photos.
Client Gifts?
I’m quite certain this has been asked many times, but I’m looking for ideas for gifts to give to a couple of close clients. I’m a partner at a law firm and don’t usually do gifts, but these individuals have been really good to me over the past year and I’d like to show my appreciation. Both are in NYC (and I’m not). Wine is the only thing that’s coming to my mind. Anything more creative (but not too personal)? I’m open on budget, but probably in the $100-200 range. Thanks!
Lobbyist
Leatherology has nice leather office products. Rechuittti chocolates in SF are fancy and beautifully packaged.
Anon
Double check with the clients what their corporate gifting policy is. Don’t bother going through the trouble if it will be given back. As in-house counsel, we typically get things that are delicious, low cost and shareable (think expensive but still not extravagant seasonal pie from a local favorite bakery).
Anon for this
2Qs:
1) If you only want to lift weights 2-3x a week at home, has anyone found a good program to follow? Most seem to be split into body regions and contemplate 4-5 workouts a week.
2) What is everyone DD+’s favorite sports bra for lifting weights + errands? Yoga bra not cutting it. Thanks!
AFT
You could do New Rules of Lifting for Women and just spread out to 2-3x a week, I think – it’d just take longer to go through the cycle. I believe the recommendation is lifting no more often than every 48 hrs in that program.
Baconpancakes
The program says that 3 is the ideal number of times a week. 2 is doable, 4 is too many.
AFT
sounds like timing would totally work for OP, then! :)
Anon
Strong Curves. It contemplates 3 workouts a week and each is a full body workout. Great program, can be adapted for home and there is one program in the boom that is specifically for home exercise.
Panda Bear
For all my workouts, I love Freya sports bras.
Legally Brunette
Fitness Blender home videos, all free and available online. You can pick any ones you want. I usually do strength training 2-3 times a week.
Anonymous
Strong Curves is a good program if you only want to lift 2-3 times a week (which is more than enough IMO.) However, it’s not a particularly easy program to do at home.
Britt
I do Les Mills Bodypump twice a week. I am 37 years old, and work on a college campus. I am regularly asked by the girls about my workout routine, so clearly Bodypump is working.
I do this at home. I bought some dumbbells and a basic weight set off Amazon for about $75 and pay $13 per month for a monthly streaming subscription. Nice bonus is that my $13 subscription includes streaming of other stuff like yoga, fitness biking, meditation, and other stuff…but so far I haven’t been able to commit to anything other than Bodypump!
SW
I’m a 36G and I love the Brooks Juno bra. But it is a serious sports bra (like no movement at all), so it might be a little more than what you’re looking for.
Online
I love Street Parking! They have different levels and it’s lifting + HIIT.
I love the Reebok Crossfit line and Underarmour.
New Job Who Dis
I need some hive help!
I’ve been at a firm for 6 months now and I can tell my presence/work here is greatly appreciated by my 2 partners in charge. They’ve invited me to a “holiday event” tomorrow where they are attending/presenting. Lots of clients will be there, they want me to get involved, etc. Apparently there is some level of alcohol involved?
and I’m excited! One boss just called it “Business causal, with a holiday flair”. I was thinking of either 1) a pair of cropped pants that have a little shimmer to them ( I promise they’re not vegas blingypants ) or 2) a red sheath dress with some Christmas earrings for festivity? Bring a jacket/blazer and then take it off when I get a read on the crowd?
Also a slight insecurity I have is that I AM TALL. taller than both my partners. and usually other people. I’d love to wear heels, but would you skip? I don’t want to be the tall associate who sticks out — or do I ? :) I’d love to get anyone’s thoughts… I don’t have an in-person lady lawyer mentor to turn to
Anonymous
I would absolutely wear heels if you want to. Please don’t make yourself smaller just to protect the fragile egos of men. They seem very happy to have you come, so don’t worry about it. I think either of your suggestions sounds great. Just not too lacy or exposed + blazer = professional lady lawyer not to be messed with.
Panda Bear
Not a lawyer so can’t comment from that perspective, but both outfits sound good to me. Your feelings on tallness remind me of a profile of stylish lawyer that I really loved: https://cupofjo.com/2018/10/lawyer-workwear-outfits/
New Job Who Dis
YES thank you for this I love it.
“when I was younger, I’d avoid heels because I used to think, there’s already so much of me! But now that I’m older, I’m like, you know what, there should be more of me.”
Panda Bear
So glad you liked it! I am short, but I love seeing tall women confidently wear heels if that is what they want to do.
Horse Crazy
Not a lawyer, but I vote the sheath dress.
anon
+1, wear the dress, skip the holiday earrings. A red dress is plenty festive. But I associate holiday earrings with my elementary school teacher mom.
New Job Who Dis
Thank you! I love silly holiday earrings but this is golden advice.
it would not have occurred to me that they give off a teacher/admin/secretary/mom figure vibe – but I totally get it.
ATL rette
As an admin/secretary, can we just stop with the idea that we’re all silly gossipy ladies who wear silly accessories?? That’s both demeaning and untrue. Admins already don’t get a ton of respect, let’s not diminish a role even more. Thanks.
Never too many shoes...
My beloved legal mentor was 5 foot 4. I am 5 foot 6 and would regularly wear 4 inch heels when attending meetings with him. If you like heels and feel good in them, wear them. Really.
Anon
I’m a fellow tall lawyer (5’9″). If you typically wear heels, then I would not shy away from wearing them here. People definitely remember me because I’m tall, but I view that as a positive. If I were you, I would go with the red sheath dress and jacket/blazer. It’s always better to be a little more dressed up when you’re the associate.
Mpls
+1, wear the heel. It’s not like you’re going to get shorter, so embrace the tall.
Dealtwiththis
Just wanted to say that I totally understand the “tall and high heels conundrum”. While I totally agree that tall women should wear heels if they want to (I’m 5’9), it also can make me feel awkward at networking events where everyone else is shorter than me and I literally have to hunch a little to be down closer to hear them. So, I totally get it! I typically wear heels anyway though…
Anonymous
I am so tired of seeing the word “gift” used in place of “give.”
Anonymous
OMG this x infinity
Anonymous
high five stranger! That annoys me to no end too :)
Eh
It’s not in place of give, though; it is its own word.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/gift-as-a-verb
anon a mouse
same, but the dictionary was changed a few years back to reflect that usage, so I think it’s here to stay.
Anon
OMG me too!
Anonymous
It’s on trend to gift things.
Anon
I felt this way when disrespect began to be used as a verb. As in, “He was disrespecting me.”
Gift and disrespect as verbs seem to be here to stay.
Anonymous
omg, me too, so much. make it go away. and, while you’re at it, please send “disrespect” right along with it
eggplant
Any stories or tips about dealing with a workplace that can feel exclusive? I’m not white (very visibly so) and while I grew up middle class, my parents and the rest of my family are from solidly working class backgrounds (my partner came from a similar background). I went to a fancy college and a fancy law school, and both taught me to deal with culture shock. I’m a lawyer now, and while I love what I do, I’m tired of fielding questions about what my father does for a living and where I’ve been to school and whether I’ve ever been to X country. It’s to the point where I’ve started to avoid bringing my partner to workplace events because we feel as if our presence constantly triggers questions designed to figure out our pedigree (or that assume we belong to a certain class) rather than learn who we are. Anything I can do about this, short of switching jobs (or stories about dealing with similar environments)?
Anonymous
I am white, but a generation removed from life with outhouses. Outhouses, y’all! And yet here I am, slogging away next to grads who went to XYZ Country Day, Fancy College (I am State U), etc.
What do the SNHU ads say: talent is equally distributed, opportunity is not? If you could bottle what you have, we’d all buy it. Every last one of us.
And bless everyone else’s hearts — it’s not my fault that I originally thought that “coming out party” was what some of my friends who play for the other team ought to have had; I don’t come from the white-dress-country-club set. Bless the hearts of those you are encountering. Truly.
Anon
Are you in the States? Are the questions asked in mean spirit or are they asked out of curiosity? Do you think there’s a chance that it’s just people making conversation and you carry your own sensitivities into the conversation? I’m at a fancy firm, and I grew up middle class with a single mom and my husband’s parents were a teacher’s aide and a concrete worker. There’s a beloved (very old) partner who emails around suggestions for $400 restaurants – he means it kindly – “hey! I found this great restaurant that’s really worth it!” Never mind that $400 for dinner is absurd by most of the world’s standards, and certainly for my own middle class frugality (I clip grocery coupons! I remember money being tight). And we definitely have some attorneys who give off that New England Mayflower vibe, but you just roll with it – that’s who they are – it doesn’t mean they’re mean or judgy, just that that’s what they were born into.
eggplant
Thanks, but nope. This is hardly my first time in an environment around people who come from more privileged backgrounds, and I would never, ever, ever be offended by an email recommending a restaurant.
Anon
I’m sorry you’re getting questions that make you feel targeted. If it makes you feel better, I get asked similar things about my family as a white person who was raised upper-middle class. I can only commiserate in that these questions can be awkward for other people, too. As we do not air family laundry, I can’t exactly say, “Actually, my biological grandfather is __(insert moderately-famous-at-one-time dude’s name here)__, why yes, he had an affair while his own wife was pregnant! I know, so scandalous! So about my DAR membership as an illegitimate descendant…” Please note I have neither desire to join the DAR, nor would they have me; I’ll claim the lovely no-name later immigrants who adopted my dad. But I know some of those people, and it’s most likely curiosity without without realizing their lack of tact.
eggplant
Thank you for your thoughtful reply (and I don’t mean this at all insincerely), but to be honest, I don’t think that the situation you’re describing is what I’m talking about.
Anonymous
I posted below about people who “upgrade” the answers they get. This really doesn’t show a whole lot of curiosity. I know there’s such thing as tactless but genuinely curious questions. These are often asked by allies or potential friends! I think the situation we’re discussing is more about fitting outliers into pre-existing boxes and pressuring them to conform. I understand that the people asking the questions are living under the same pressure themselves (and are probably keeping some secrets).
Anonymous
Aren’t those normal conversation-making questions among people who went to college and like to travel?
Monday
What your father did for a living? No.
eggplant
I’ll be clearer: the “have you been to X country” was made during a conversation with about 6-8 people. I was the only person asked that question. It’s not just being conversational, it’s curiosity about my background in particular and whether I’ve had the same sorts of experiences.
Anonymous
I don’t think asking what your father does for a living is part of normal conversation. I’m white and I’ve never been asked that question – and I’d remember if I had because I don’t know my father so it would’ve make the conversation real awkward.
I also think there’s a… idk how to describe it… a tone? a look?… that goes along with these questions that makes them offensive vs. normal conversation. It can be really subtle and it’s hard to pick up on if you haven’t been on the receiving end of it.
I don’t have a lot of advice – the best I’ve seen is to greet these questions with aggressive cheerfulness. “Why no I haven’t been to the Swiss Alps, but I just LOVED Norway, have you seen the fjords? No? Oh that’s too bad you really must go!”
Anonymous
+1
I’ve seen this kind of aggressive cheerfulness work.
I’m trying to think of stories to share that aren’t too identifying for comfort. I remember once having the distinct impression at an academic conference that a skiing and wine country conversation had awkwardly continued after the only person who wasn’t faking it had walked away (young academics are much better at research than at financing leisure travel!).
pugsnbourbon
+1. “What does your father do” is a pretty weird question in any situation but it’s especially loaded in OP’s.
I don’t really have any advice but ugh, this sounds exhausting and I’m sorry you’re encountering it.
Anonymous
Honestly, I have no idea what my father (who I grew up in the same house with) does for a living. I always say “something with computers.” He is an engineer with a top secret clearance (he may be a spy for all I know, but a very boring one). And that is what I say re my husband (who deals with IT but in what I sense is a very different field).
It’s so boring and it is also true — no one cares and then we move on.
Emma
Yes, at an interview dinner for a firm once the partner assigned to our table asked a bunch of interviewees “does your family buy real or fake xmas trees”… I grew up in a family with Xmas trees and normally would probably not find the question offensive… but the way he asked it made me feel super uncomfortable and I can only imagine how I would have felt had I been Jewish, Muslim, etc…. I think the best way around these questions, if you are being asked the same ones regularly is to come up with a simple canned response and then change the subject.
Anon
No one at work has ever asked what my parents do for a living.
Anon
Fascinating, where I work it’s a regular topic. But we are interested in class diversity and it’s “cool” if you’re not from a fancy background. I don’t understand the snobby thing – I’ve never experienced that.
Anonymous
My goal is generally to switch the conversation back to them as quickly and as deftly as I can. I also try be vague enough that they can fill in the blanks however they want, because this irritates me less than when I’ve been specific and then they revise what I said to fit their world view anyway (generally by upgrading my background or especially my partner’s). In my experience, people who value homogeneity will project it onto you wherever you leave them room (even though they don’t stop testing).
eggplant
Thanks, that’s a very sensible approach.
Anonnnnn
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I am white, so would not know how you feel but I still think its racism rearing it’s nasty head. Intention < impact.
Could you politely reply, why do you ask? Bc asking about what your father does for a living is weird AF. I’ve never been asked that in a professional setting.
Monday
I am so sorry. This is terrible, especially in the fact that it’s driving you to consider not attending, or not bringing your partner. This kind of situation shows the impact of micro-aggressions.
Could you do a huge smile and say lightly, “you know, people keep asking us that!” or something? Or deflect their question as if it came from good intent, as in “no, I haven’t been there, but I’ve heard it’s beautiful! Are you planning a vacation? Last year, we went to…”
For the question about your dad’s job, what if you made them guess? They’d either have to show their assumptions about it (and look even worse) or they might give up, seeing how ridiculous it is. SMH.
eggplant
Thanks. The guessing game is quite funny, I wish I could try it!
Anon
Any suggestion for long inseam ankle pants for a plus size person? I like the cut of ankle pants but the regular inseam ankle pants hit several inches above my ankle, which feels ok in the summer but is a bit chilly and just looks wrong to my eye right now. I have the EF pants in three colors and they are all this slightly too short length. I’m 5’ll” and disproportionately long in the legs. I wear 18w
Never too many shoes...
The Eloquii Kady pant is amazing and comes in a variety of lengths and cuts (standard hourglass, pear and apple).
Anon
Thanks! How’s the fabric? I ordered their pencil skirt (the one that comes in a million colors) and I liked the length and cut but I didn’t like the scuba fabric.
Never too many shoes...
The Kady is a substantial crepe, with a tiny amount of stretch. I have multiple pairs and really recommend you at least try them on and report back.
Anon
BR has longs in their size 20, which is I think a straight size 20, but may work if you’re an 18w.
Anonymous
J Crew’s long inseam pants are really quite long – the Camerons are properly ankle length on me in an 8 tall. It goes up to size 20 I believe, and I have no personal experience but seems like the reviews are positive for plus sizes.
Furniture Q
Does anyone have furniture (specifically, upholstered chairs) from Lee Industries (or other spendy brands)?
My/my spouse’s 20+ year old stuff is on its last legs. Currently using a nursing rocker as a chair even though our youngest child is 8 (so old, but no old enough to be creeped out). Reviews of cheaper replacements indicates that cushions easily get lumpy or need to be restuffed. I want these purchases to be my last purchases in my lifetime (so OK spending $ if worth it; otherwise, might as well buy annually on Overstock / Ikea / etc.).
I am like the Lady Mary in Downton Abbey — I didn’t actually buy most of what I own (b/c I was a poor student for so long, downsizing relatives gave me stuff, which was so well made it is now worn out 20 years into owner #2).
Annie
I’m a big fan of Room and Board furniture. Well made and a lot of it is made in the USA.
Anon
I second this. We’ve purchased about seven pieces of Room and Board furniture over the last 10 years – a bed, a dining room table, two chairs, a cocktail table, a sofa and a piece for my husband’s office. Never regretted a single purchase. Both the customer service and delivery service are excellent, too.
BB
I’m a big Room and Board fan too. And I like that you can customize the upholstery for most of their products. It takes a bit longer and can cost more depending on the fabric you choose, but if you’re going to keep something for a long time, might as well get the perfect one.
Anon
I like Room and Board, I have a sofa from there, but the cushions got lumpy and needed to be restuffed (after 7 years). I think that’s just par for the course with a lot of furniture, even nice furniture. A sofa will not last for the rest of your life unless you’re 80. But unlike Ikea furniture, it’s actually worth the cost to restuff.
Anonymous
I have Lee furniture and really like it. Both sofas in my den and living room are slipcovered ones from Lee. They slipcovers are easy to remove and wash. I’ve had them for just over two years and they are still comfortable — maybe even more so than when I first got them. I also have several chairs and a sectional from Cisco Brothers. While pricey, they are my most comfortable furniture I have ever owned. They also have washable slipcovers — two chairs are even washable velvet. I also like that in buying these, I am supporting a local furniture store and not a big box retailer.
anon
I have some work-related anxiety that has ramped up as I’ve advanced and gained more responsibility. I’m now a manager of both people and projects. No matter how many times I turn out a good work product and keep things moving, it’s not enough to reassure me that I’ll be able to do it again next time. If people knew I had this amount of anxiety, they’d be surprised. (It sounds crazy, I know, and I definitely think I should get therapy for this.)
Procrastination is one of my worst anxiety-related habits — and of course it’s counterproductive because then I have to work even harder to catch up. I do not blow deadlines, however. Recovering perfectionists: Has anyone successfully stopped doing this? I have a lot of embarrassment and shame that I can’t seem to kick this bad habit.
Anon
I used to feel very anxious too. I may not be as senior as you are, but I never wanted people to know that I didn’t know something or failed at something. I would replay it over and over in my mind and feel terrible about it. Then the inevitable happened and I failed. It was crushing, took a year to recover from feeling like a failure. Then, I was doing great and failed again, this time I moved on after 6 months. Then, I failed again. I was surprised that I was not depressed or embarrassed. I was just focusing on how to pull myself back up and continue. After failing a few times, I had developed some thick skin and my ego was not so fragile anymore. I didn’t have to constantly protect it.
Now, the fear of failure is gone. I have accepted that I will fail once in a while and there is no getting around that. All I can make sure is I do my best job all the time and then accept whatever the outcome is. So, all my focus is to make sure that I am doing everything that I can do (and not think about the failure) so that I have the contentment that I did whatever I could.
Anon
No advice, as I am in the same place you are–middle management and senior-associate status has brought with it crushing anxiety. I’d love to hear advice, as well.
Anon
I think it’s a matter of time. At some point you will become familiar with the kinds of people management problems that you run into pretty quickly as a first-time manager and it won’t take you by surprise anymore when one of your employees fails a set-in-stone deadline, or starts slacking off without obvious cause, or pretends to not understand directions without the most explicit explanation, or becomes unreasonably competitive, or starts undermining you to your other employees, or sues your company for wrongful termination that, to you, was clearly deserved, etc etc. It just becomes a matter of course. I’ve had all of the above happen in my first few years as manager and it gave me great anxiety. Rinse and repeat many times over – it does not phase me anymore. I focus on project completion and rewarding great behavior and teamwork from my employees, and try to eliminate obstacles in the most HR-friendly manner.
Anon
I used to feel very anxious too. I may not be as senior as you are, but I never wanted people to know that I didn’t know something or failed at something. I would replay it over and over in my mind and feel terrible about it. Then the inevitable happened and I failed. It was crushing, took a year to recover from feeling like a failure. Then, I was doing great and failed again, this time I moved on after 6 months. Then, I failed again. I was surprised that I was not depressed or embarrassed. I was just focusing on how to pull myself back up and continue. After failing a few times, I had developed some thick skin and my ego was not so fragile anymore. I didn’t have to constantly protect it.
Now, I the fear of failure is gone. I have accepted that I will fail once in a while and there is no getting around that. All I can make sure is I do my best job all the time and then accept whatever the outcome is. So, all my focus is to make sure that I am doing everything that I can do (and not think about the failure) so that I have the contentment that I did whatever I could.