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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
editor
Does anyone have an opinion about installing the soap dispenser part of a kitchen faucet set? I’m getting the counter and faucet installed Friday and have the choice of having a hole drilled for the dispenser. According to the counter guy—and I believe him—these things are prone to breaking.
Anon
They’re pointless and ugly, in my opinion. Avoid at all costs.
editor
Thank you so much! I was leaning that way since I inherited an old, broken one with the current setup.
Anon
They break or gunk up so quickly. Plus you have to go under the sink to refill them.
Anon
Voice of dissent. I had mine installed in 2008 and have never had a problem with it. I fill it from the top. I didn’t realize people thought they were problematic until I read this.
(It dispenses dish soap, not hand soap, just to be clear)
Soap Dispenser
Same. I think ours is great.
Anon
Same, love mine. LOVE not having a bottle of dish soap on the counter, and that I can get soap on a sponge with one hand.
Mine you can fill from the top, and while it’s only 3 years old, my parents had one for 20 years that was fine. (And if it breaks it’s a pretty easy swap for a new one)
Anon
I have dish soap dispenser with a pump, I think from Oxo. I can get soap with one hand and it looks way nicer than a bottle of soap.
anon
Yeah, totally don’t get the arguments against having one. Ours fills from the top.
Em
Our’s is 6 years old and we have never had a problem with it. It matches the sink so I find it much more attractive than having an unmatching dispenser on the counter.
NYCer
Same! Ours fills from the top, and we love it. Use it all the time.
Andrea
Agree. And ours is now broken and will cost an obscene amount to fix – so it’s just sitting there like a vestigial organ taking up space.
RR
I have never seen one that wasn’t a piece of junk. I’m willing to believe that they exist, but everyone I know seems to regret theirs. We did not put one in when we redid countertops/sink in our old house.
anon
I love having one! One less bottle to keep around the sink and we hand wash a ton of dishes. We have not had a problem with it and ours is probably super old.
SSJD
Definitely put in the dispenser. I recently moved to a new house (very recently redone, extremely high-end kitchen), and I cannot believe they did not put soap dispensers in the counters of the [three] kitchen sinks. I’ve enjoyed them in my last 3 homes and think they help reduce clutter around the sink. I’ve never had a problem with them not working. Now I am stuck using two hands to dispense soap instead of just one, which is annoying when washing a lot of dishes.
Anon
Soap dispensers are not a high end item, the thing to do is only a faucet these days. You’ll never see one in a design publication either.
editrix
Spring for a good one from a plumbing supply house, not a big-box store. You do not have to go under the sink to refill it; it accepts soap from counter level. My plumber suggested diluting dish soap with a little water (3:1 or 4:1) to keep it flowing.
The original Scarlett
the best thing I’ve added to the kitchen sink lineup is instant hot water – there’s only so much room under your sink, so if that appeals I’d look at whether it would also fit with the soap (and I’m inclined to think it would gunk up, I’ve never seen soap not gunk up at some point)
Tumi 22 x 16" for domestic carryon?
I’m considering a 22×16 in Tumi bag but am wondering whether it will work to use it as a carryon for US flights. Does anyone have experience with how strict the airlines are with their policies? Or experience with this bag in particular for US or international flights? The bag is about 1.5 inches wider than it should be, though height and depth are fine.
I probably shouldn’t do it, but I fell in love with the quality and packability.
Anonanonanon
It seems to really vary with the airline and how crowded the flight is that day and who is working the counter. Sometimes, even when asked to place the carry on into the container they use to measure size, it’s ok if the bag itself is a little bigger than the measurements as long as it can squish down to size (aka it’s not completely full). Some are stricter than others.
Houda
I wouldn’t risk it. Tumi has an international carry on of their models, so go for that one instead of the continental
Anon
I carry this size (continental carry-on, right?) and am a United 1K flier. I have never had a single issue. I’ve also used it on US carriers in Europe with no issues.
Anon
If you’re flying between countries in Europe vs US to another country, go for the international carry on size. They are more strict, but it doesn’t matter on big planes you leave the US in. Domestically, airlines rarely care.
Anonymous
+1 European airlines (especially Swiss) are strict about their carryons
Anonymous
I would not buy a new suitcase you know is too big. Airlines are only getting stricter on this.
Anonymous
This is where I come down too. I keep buying luggage that should “last a lifetime” and then the airlines change their policies and now my expensive carry on is too big. Happened to me with a Briggs & Riley and a Tumi. I would not buy a pricey new bag that’s already on its way to obsolescence.
Cat
+1, my “lifetime” carryon from the mid-00’s is now good only on domestic flights, and even with those it’s typically on the larger size of what I see people waiting around with. Unless you’re OK if your new bag becomes “check only” within a few years (or certainly for overseas travel) I’d go with a smaller one.
Anon
Assuming it fits in the overhead bin, I have rarely had airlines check the size of my carryon. In my experience, whether you have to gate check your bag depends a lot more on what zone you are in and whether you have status then the size of the bag. As someone with status, I have often boarded flights with no problems even when I’m very clearly over the carry-on limit (i.e., one carryon suitcase and two additional carryon bags).
Anon
I bought an international carry on that I got on a steep discount. It fits some domestic airlines, but not others. Example: my carry on is too large for United or American. United, I haven’t had any problems. American, as soon as I went up to board, the attendant working the gate had me measure it. I played it off as the carry on being a gift from my mother and I had no idea about the sizes. Just play it cool and you might be fine, but don’t be surprised if you get someone having a bad day at work and they make you check it for whatever that airline’s fee is.
Anonymous
If they make you gate check your bag, I thought they don’t charge you a checked bag fee? Except for Frontier and similar. Has that changed?
anonandon
If you have to gate check it because it’s too big, I think they sometimes charge you. If you have to gate check because they run out of room you don’t get charged in my experience.
Anonymous
This. If you’re in the size limits but they don’t have space on board, no fee. But if you’re over the size limits, you’re at the mercy of the gate agent as to whether or not they charge you. I suspect they are told to charge for everything that doesn’t fit in the sizer thingy at the gate.
anon
It really depends on several factors. From my experience the most significant issue is the size of the aircraft. As my travels usually involve regional jets, that size would be too big for the overhead and would need to be gate checked.
Anon
But with RJs all rollers are too big except for briefcase type rollers. Usually you can roll it onto the tarmac and pick it up when you disembark, rather than having to wait around at baggage claim.
anon
After years of hunting, I did find a roller-bag that fits on the small regional jets. Because waiting on the jet-bridge in cold weather is not for me.
Kate
How would you style a pair of light purple/taupe booties? My stylish cousin gave these to me, but I have no idea how to style them. Would appreciate casual and work ideas! Most of the time my law office is business casual, although I wear suits when I meet with clients. My cousin is tall and more boho and I’m more classic, but I’m willing to venture out. FWIW I have an athletic build and am 5’3.
Kate
Link to the booties – I have them in Zinc (sort of lilac-tinged taupe).
https://m.lordandtaylor.com/1-state-saydie-ruched-suede-booties/product/0500088698237
Z
I totally love those. I would wear them to my “casual end of business casual” office with skinny jeans and a cute sleeveless blouse, with a blazer or other stylish jacket.
Anonymous
I would wear these with navy and with jeans. Black would work, too. I think they’d look great with bootcut pants of all kinds.
Anonymous
I have a similar pair from Blondo that are a pale pink (Victoria). I get more use out of them than my others in grays and browns. I have a work bag in a similar color, which helps (Cuyana work satchel). I like wearing them with all black or jeans and a black top. Also great when paired with tops that are navy, floral, gray, plum and some muted pinks that are close enough.
Cleveland or NC Triangle thoughts
Seeking recommendations for a solo weekend traveler to both Raleigh/Durham and Cleveland. Husband and I are considering both for a move and I have never visited either so am scoping them out. Would be interested in where to stay and what to do to get a sense of the areas.
I’m probably overthinking it but I’m sort of bracing for a bit of culture shock in either of these places… so while I’m at it, would love any real talk on sentiment towards working moms in these communities as well as any other cultural considerations (no kids yet but likely next 1-2 years). Neither of us have any friends or family in either location, will it be hard to integrate in these cities? Also curious on any local insight on career outlook: I am expecting to take a pretty significant pay cut in either of these cities (coming from corp strategy role in SF) but hoping to still get a 6-figure management track job but have no idea if that’s realistic. Thanks very much in advance!
Anon
Raleigh has a lot of transplants, mostly from.the northeast, but that eases culture shock. It’s a great city and I would live there before Cleveland.
Former Clevelander
Agree on Raleigh as the better choice – more transplants, great food, low cost of living (esp if you try Durham instead), and access to amazing natural beauty. I lived in cleveland for a year in late 20s for a temporary job. It is fine and certainly you could make a good life there – arts scene is particularly good – but I wouldn’t choose it if I had flexibility in my options. There is a very strong hometown culture and it was difficult to make friends and break in (this was corroborated by people I met who had been there for a few years, so not just me). The city is also pretty sprawling and fragmented by the highways so it’s difficult to get around and feel connected to different neighborhoods. Also the winter is no joke. I am from Chicago and it was similar in terms of bone chilling cold but even higher volume of snow, I took the metro but if you wouldn’t have a car commute you really need to be ready to deal with a car, shoveling, icy roads, traffic every day, and eventually daycare and school closures of you have kids. If you want be in Ohio, I would consider Cincinnati over Cleveland – I had a few work trips there during the year and it just felt much cooler and more energetic.
Anonymous
Since WKRP I have really loved the idea of Cincinnati. Have never been, but it looks lovely.
Anon
Having lived in Cincinnati for 24 years, it is lovely–pretty, great arts scene, friendly people. But, it’s very hard to break in for people not from Cincinnati. Columbus is the best Ohio big city IMO.
CLE
I lived in Cleveland for a few years. I would opt for Raleigh given the choice. The winters are brutal in Cleveland, and they last a long time. I found it hard to make friends because (i) the winters are so long and dark that people tend to hibernate for a good portion of the year and (ii) a lot of people have lived in Cleveland their whole lives and have established friend groups already. It’s a Rust Belt town. I liked it there and have fond memories, but I don’t think I would want to live there permanently.
TK
Check out Shaker Heights in Cleveland. Accessible to downtown via light rail, very family friendly, excellent schools (though some move to private schools in high school). Housing prices are super cheap, but taxes are astronomical. My brother and sister and law (both lawyers, and both transplants) love the area. Very politically liberal area, if that matters to you.
ThirdJen
I’ll throw in another vote for Cleveland and for Shaker specifically – I currently live here and the neighborhood vibe, access to downtown, and diversity are terrific. Cuyahoga Valley National Park is 30 minutes down the road. The winter is long, it’s true, but there’s enough snow to do wintery sports like snowshoeing or cross country skiing.
I’m a working mom and all of my mom friends are also working moms. The schools and daycares are familiar with two working parent families and very supportive. Careerwise, what is your field? We do have a lot of accounting and law here, and a ton of healthcare.
Anon
My impression from friends who grew up in Shaker Heights is that it’s incredibly SAHM-heavy. But perhaps my information is old and it’s more friendly to families with two working parents now.
Anon
I think Raleigh is more diverse, not just ethnically but in terms of where people are from, what they do and what their families look like. Posters above are right that Cleveland is solidly Rust Belt, most people have lived there their whole lives and fewer women work (if your kids are in daycare you will have a built in working mom circle there, though). If you’re coming from the Northeast, weather shouldn’t be a big factor (I don’t think Ohio winters are worse than Boston winters) but if you’re coming from California then weather is probably a big factor in favor of RDU.
OP
thanks for all the input so far! We’re originally from the Northeast and miss the four seasons in CA, so the weather isn’t as concerning for Cleveland (we’re foolishly perhaps more concerned about the hot summers and lack of winter in RDU), but appreciate a lot of the context already provided… making me rethink the Triangle as a priority, given the diversity of backgrounds and more transplants folks are calling out!
Anon
Why Cleveland if you don’t have any family nearby? I live in the Midwest and have visited a bunch of Midwestern cities and Cleveland isn’t one that comes to mind as particularly interesting or nice to live in. I’d put Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Columbus and Detroit all far above Cleveland, at least from the perspective of a visitor. Is there a reason Cleveland stands out to above those cities?
Cleveland
I am also from the midwest and the only city I would put above Cleveland is Pittsburgh. Have lived in Cleveland (where I am now), Pittsburgh, and Columbus. Visited the rest and, in my opinion, they don’t measure up. Columbus is just a giant college town. Very limited culture and everything is spread out, at least while I was there at Ohio State. Cleveland has an amazing culture scene for it’s size. Almost every broadway show tours here and most music acts come as well. There’s also a top 5 orchestra and art museum in the vibrant University Circle area. The Cleveland Clinic is a top employer and top 3 hospital in the country. Amazing pre and post-natal care. The suburbs have great schools and the commutes to downtown are decent. Shaker is a nice inner suburb but I think most people there consider private schools for high school. The city is getting younger and retaining talent, it’s not as “rust belt” in many parts as it used to be. I’m in big law and am not paid much less than my firm pays in Chicago (but was able to buy a 3500 sq ft house in a top 10 school district in the state for less than 400K with a less than 30 minute commute). It’s a big sports town as well so that’s another entertainment factor, and the park system is top notch. If I was visiting, I’d stay downtown for a few nights and then a night at the Chagrin Falls Inn (my favorite east suburb, very small town feel).
Anonymous
I agree with Pittsburgh! Not super excited about it but it is a great place with universities, businesses, good airport, etc. Big fun sportsball town.
Also: Minneapolis (if you can take the winters), Sioux Falls (smaller version of Minneapolis).
Apparently Cleveland used to be the fourth largest city in the US, so it has city and civic institutions that let it punch above its current weight class. But, like Baltimore, I think it is just in decline even if it has stabilized.
Places like Raleigh / Charlotte / Phoenix etc. seem to be where the momentum is now. Maybe also Nashville and Texas cities generally.
Anon
I have lived a long time in both of these places and was quite happy to leave both of them when the time came. They are not that different, tbh (maybe because there are so many Ohioans in the Triangle?). You’ll have to pick your poison, weather-wise. I hate heat and humidity, so I really suffered in NC. Getting around Cleveland is nicer, and the lake is a big plus. I would make sure to go to Ohio City/Tremont, University Circle/Little Italy, and take a long drive along the lake from at least Bay Village to Euclid. I found the Triangle to be just miserably suburban, terrible to commute around, and more conservative. Carrboro was about the only place I ever enjoyed living, but it is quite a small place. I can hardly believe I’m saying this, but I would choose Cleveland if I had to live in one of these places again. It’s so uncool it’s cool. Gorgeous old houses in the inner suburbs. The Triangle is probably better for your career, though. Good luck!
Anonymous
+ 1 to “I found the Triangle to be just miserably suburban, terrible to commute around.” I also found that it had a lot of transplants, in that people there didn’t necessarily grow up in the Triangle, but they’d all come there for college, so the fact that I hadn’t gone to any of the schools (and didn’t care about any of the basketball teams) in NC made it extremely difficult to meet people.
RDU RDU RDU
In NC now, parents spent 10 years in Cleveland working for CWRU.
In my mind, Raleigh / Durham / Chapel Hill / RTP are all distinct places and you pick one for a reason (close to work? college ties? etc.). Like don’t blindly pick Durham; you have to kick around some and think about where you’ll need to get to every day. FWIW, I love Raleigh in between the State Capitol and where Meredith College is, but it’s also what I’m most familiar with. I know tons of happy people there, most of whom are transplants, not all of whom went to college there.
My parents (NC natives) have never wanted to go to back to Cleveland. It was good when they were at Case and they liked the greenbelt.
*** RDU can fly you direct to anywhere on the East Coast and much of the rest of the country. Not so sure how the options from Cleveland are, but you’re often more limited and/or connecting to get somewhere. Huge dealbraker in my book, esp. if you have family elsewhere to do a lot of work travel is not being able to get easy direct flights to where I need to go. ***
Anon
I was born and raised in Ohio, not too far from Cleveland. I’ve moved to New York recently and find myself longing to be at an Indians game on a warm day. While I needed to live in a very large city such as New York, I have lots of friends who live and work in downtown CLE or close to it. Cleveland has an incredible, diverse food scene, some of the best meals I’ve ever had in my life have been there. Highlights: the Black Pig, the Plum, Spice Kitchen & Bar, Fat Cats, Ginko Sushi. Check out the West Side Market in Ohio City and all the local breweries there. Insider tip, Great Lakes Brewing Company offers tours for $5. And I promise you that if you take yourself out on a game day to catch the Tribe or Browns at a bar, you won’t regret it. Cleveland is pretty liberal and has Midwestern friendliness. Yes, winters are cold and long. But Cleveland has some pretty heavy hitters, company and law firm wise, that make the city more diverse than people realize. Cleveland is a relatively large city that feels so close knit, I hope you visit and enjoy it!
Anonymous
Moved to Cleveland for family reasons from NYC – if you or your husband is in medicine, consider it strongly, vibrant community and lots of competition between the hospital systems here. But as a working mom it’s hard here because everyone seems to be a SAHM. Half my neighbors voted for Trump, maybe more. There are no gay people or black people where we live. Many of the suburbs aren’t walkable. The loss of the Continental hub means air travel options are greatly reduced.
But great restaurant scene, good schools, LCOL(ish). Decent theater scene.
Gail the Goldfish
I live in Raleigh and think it’s awesome. It’s a lot of transplants, so our culture is pretty diverse and more welcoming to outsiders than a lot of Southern towns. If you’ve never lived in the South before, you probably will find the summers brutal (I mean, I’m from the South and still think it’s bad). But, unlike up North, everything is well-air conditioned and you just accept that, with the exception of water-based activities, most of your outdoor activities aren’t happening in July and August (I mean, I still do stuff, it’s just you’re drenched in sweat before you even get started). Our spring and fall weather is glorious, though (except for the period of Pollen Explosion). And while you’ll take a pay cut, our job market is pretty good so it may not be as large of a pay cut as you think and when you adjust for cost of living from SF, you’ll probably come out ahead.
As for where to stay when you come check it out, if you have an idea of where your job would likely be, I’d stay there (city-wise-so either Raleigh, Durham, or Chapel Hill). I’m guessing it would probably be Raleigh, in which case, I would stay downtown. Glenwood South area might be a good option to stay (though it trends more toward the 20 year olds than the 30 year olds). Check out Five Points area, which is where I would live if I had the budget (the difference in housing costs inside of 440 vs outside of 440, which is the inner beltline around the city, is kind of amazing considering the difference in commute is 10 minutes). If you want fancy and don’t mind a bit of a drive from downtown, stay at the Umstead Hotel in Cary. Lots of transplants live in Cary, and if you want kids, it might be a good option, though I find it to be a generically nice suburb and the other areas have more character.
For things to do, depends on what you like. My favorite recommendations depending on season are our (surprisingly excellent given our size) art museum (if you’re coming this fall, there’s a frieda kahlo exhibit opening in late october) and the Duke Gardens, which are great to spend some time wandering through. WRAL.com is our local news website and has an Out and About calendar you can check out to see what’s happening when you’re here.
Anon
Good morning! I got a bicycle (a cruiser, nothing technical :) ) this weekend for the first time since 4th grade! I plan on using it just for fun and for trips to the grocery store and farmer’s market. (My work is way too far away.) Can you recommend your favorite basket, trunk, pannier – your favorite stuff hauler – that can stand up to a bottle of wine or half gallon of milk? A quick poke around amazon finds lots of things with reviews saying the items broke quickly when people tried to carry stuff. Bonus points if it’s at least somewhat attractive. Thanks!
Go for it
I went to the local bike shop and had them install one that has a removable basket.
It holds a gallon of milk and all of my library books.
Ribena
I have a basket that hangs on the side of my luggage rack like a pannier would – it’s from Basil and is called the Milk Bottle Basket. It holds a LOT of stuff and I generally have a bungee clipped over the top too (carried a new lampshade home from the supermarket like that on Saturday as well as a basket full of food). It comes in a bunch of colour scheme but I just have the black one. I always hang it on the offside of my bike (ie the side that cars pass on) to increase how wide I look as a vehicle, but am intending to buy a second one so I can carry more groceries etc. It’s been one of my best cycling purchases ever.
For the luggage rack itself, I just went into my local bike shop and bought the higher-rated (as in weight rating) f the two racks they had, and the mechanic fitted it free for me while I was there.
Ribena
US Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Basil-Memories-Bottle-Bicycle-Basket/dp/B0030SZ0HC/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Basil+milk+bottle+basket&qid=1568637976&sr=8-1
trefoil
I have two of the Basil baskets and use them all the time! (Orange and mint green).
DLC
I would recommend staying away from the metal foldable panniers- they are heavy and add a lot of weight. Second getting a removable one- then you can take it right into the store and fill it up. Also- I found that for trips that didn’t involve a gallon of milk, I much preferred using a backpack- it distributed the weight more evenly on me and on the bike and made biking easier.
Checking things out at your local bike store is always a good option.
Senior Attorney
Also? Please wear a helmet!
Formality
Following last week’s discussion about the JCrew Going Out Blazer and matching separates not being formal enough for an interview in law or finance, what about the Regent Blazer in four season stretch with its matching separates? Is the standing collar too trendy for such a formal situation?
RR
I looked at it and thought it was too casual for a true business formal situation–e.g., interview in law or finance, federal court jury trial.
Annony
If it matters, you can fold down the collar on Regent Blazer as well.
RR
That’s really good to know.
Beige patent wedges
Has anyone seen any light beige/tan closed toe patent wedges lately? Preferably 1.75-2” in height and with the wedge also patent and not the fake wood look. My go to Cole Haan and Corso Como don’t seem to have them right now. Thanks for any leads!
Anonymous
I searched Zappos for wedge, 1-2 heel, closed toe, light neutral colors . .. and there was a Cole Haan patent. Not what you want?
https://www.zappos.com/p/cole-haan-sadie-wedge-40mm-nude-patent/product/8971539/color/63200
OP
Thanks! I’d rather a slightly more pointed toe but these may be my back up option.
Clementine
JCrew Factory Sylvia wedges. Heel is a big higher but they’re incredibly comfortable and my go-to for off site meetings where there’s a chance I’ll end up walking 15 miles of facility tours but also need to look decent.
anon
Have you tried the factory version of Cole Haan? I bought a pair in the last month that are pretty much what you described.
anon
Wearing some right now. Bandolino.
OP
These are exactly the replacements I was looking for! Are they comfortable?
anon
Yes! I have had them for a while now. I am just back to work after a 3 month maternity leave where I was either barefoot or wearing Birks and these are the only heels my feet can tolerate for a work day at the moment. I recall a short break in period, but that’s typical of patent shoes ime.
LaurenB
Not quite what you requested, but I needed some nude-for-me heels recently, and my standby nude peep-toe patent leather heels felt dated to me. Consider these two, which felt more modern – Tahari Taron Pump in beige (available from DSW) at $69, and Kate Spade Benice Pumps in Biscotti (available from Nordstrom, Macy’s, etc.) at $168.
Extra anon for this
NYC folks- our family is potentially moving from a close-in DC suburb to Manhattan. While we’re accustomed to a relatively HCOL, I’m sure there’s costs we’re not thinking of. Outside of the obvious price hikes (rent will be higher than our current mortgage, childcare will be slightly higher), what unexpected significant costs could I be missing/not accounting for? We’re in the final stages of making sure this is financially feasible.
The only one I can think of so far is increased laundry costs (we’ll likely be sending most of our laundry out since there won’t be laundry in our unit).
I considered the potential that we’ll be taking cabs more than we expect as public transportation may eventually wear on us in the winter (especially with one daycare-aged child), but once I compared that to our car payments and current gas mileage (we both reverse commute away from DC a fair distance) I don’t expect a huge increase in transportation cost.
Ribena
Increased groceries costs through not having access to the same range of supermarkets? I live very centrally (in admittedly a much smaller city) and although I can make a special trip to a larger supermarket, I tend not to.
Clementine
Higher taxes?
anne-on
Higher sales tax, higher cost for nannies/day care/sitters, higher cost for camps (and even the expensive summer/school break camps book up VERY quickly), more expensive to rent cars, cost of food overall (grocery stores in NY are small, pricey, and annoying to navigate though Amazon and Target delivery help). Prepare yourself mentally for lessened access to ‘big box stores’ and chains – there aren’t many, and if you want them you may need to rent/zipcar to get out as they’re rarely close to public transit. I’d also plan on a zipcar membership, being able to get out of the city when you want it a nice thing to have.
Anon
+1 to this “grocery stores in NY are small, pricey, and annoying to navigate”
I live in DC and used to regularly spend weekends in Queens. I was astonished and appalled to discover that a pack of butter – ya know, four sticks that you bake with – was $6.50 at the neighborhood grocery store, which was maybe the size of a nice Wawa. I made a pot of chili one night – groceries were $25. For a pot of chili!
That’s the thing I just couldn’t cope with long-term – how dense and cramped everything is. Of course, in many ways, it’s wonderful to be able to walk everywhere and to have so much close by, but in other ways, it’s exhausting. You have to order so much online because it’s so challenging to, say, get a pack of toilet paper and walk home with it and balance it on your way in your building and through the lobby and press the elevator button and juggle your keys to get in your door. Every day. With everything.
Extra anon for this
Loving the relatively-niche Wawa-specific comparison, because I pictured it perfectly!!!
Anonymous
I always keep an Ikea bag folded up for those light and bulky items that we need to get on a daily basis (toilet paper).
Extra anon for this
This was my downfall last time I lived somewhere walkable. I had great plans/systems in my head, but I never had the foldable cart or reusable bag etc. with me when the time came to need it.
Anonymous
School. Are you going to go public or private?
Extra anon for this
We’re going public, which was the main deciding factor for the location we chose.
Anonymous
You also are NOT guaranteed a spot at your zoned school, and it may or may not happen if you are moving mid year and/or after the early grades. Just a word of warning if you are considering costs.
Anon
Will you vacation more often or differently or eventually become people who regularly go to a cabin upstate to get a break from the city? Even if you’re not in Manhattan, NY is just much more bustling and tiring then DC suburbs and people I know who plan to be there long-term really want regular getaways to somewhere more peacefully. Obviously that is not an essential but you should be realistic about the cost of quality-of-life.
Extra anon for this
That’s an excellent question, and I’m not sure if I’m self-aware enough to know the answer yet. We have certainly factored in wanting to vacation the same as we do now, which between our work schedules and having a child in school (which does not excuse vacation absences, obviously) is… not that much. Maybe 2 weeks a year total. We aren’t losing many square feet in terms of our living situation, but it’s possible my husband, in particular, will want a few more breaks from the city.
no
Rental broker’s fees for at least the first year. Holiday tips for apartment staff.
Anonymous
Practice waking up every day and tearing up a $100 bill. That is how it is, esp. if you pay city income taxes.
Anon
Have you fully factored in the higher taxes. In addition to federal and state, there are NYC taxes too.
I would also expect groceries can be more expensive. Many of the markets are small and prices at even the mid-sized ones are more expensive. I found it easier and cheaper to order my groceries delivered when I lived in NYC.
Anonanonanon
Hello! Yes, we’ve factored that in but I’ll admit my husband was the one to think of it, not me!
We currently utilize grocery delivery fairly regularly, but I’m sure it’s more expensive up there!
Evodia
Food costs are definitely higher here, both in terms of groceries and restaurants. To get a sense of comparison for grocery prices, you could try looking at a site like FreshDirect. Set up your zip code as one in NYC, and see what your typical week of groceries would cost here.
In terms of restaurant costs, keep in mind that you may choose to eat out more often in NYC. It’s quite easy to order any kind of cuisine at any time, which can be extremely convenient but can also raise your expenses unless you strictly avoid doing so.
Anon
A small one, but there’s ton of free stuff to do with kids in DC due to all the Smithsonians being free. If you want to take your kids to a museum or zoo in NYC it will cost $15+/person. Playgrounds are free, but there’s a limited window weather-wise when you’ll want to be outside.
Reluctant New Yorker
This is a really, really good point! The Natural History museum is pay-what-you-want, and so is the Met for NY residents, but everything else is super pricy. I would suggest that you budget at least one zoo/museum/something membership (2 or 3 if you can swing it), otherwise it just gets expensive and demoralizing.
This is not necessarily one people think of for kids, but we have an NYBG membership and love it – it is an easy way to feel like you’re escaping from the city and they have a lot of really neat stuff for kids year-round.
Is it Friday yet?
If you have a NYPL card, you can get free entry to a ton of museums via Culture Pass.
Extra anon for this
I think the membership idea is an excellent piece of advice that I will certainly explore if the move becomes certain. It is much less demoralizing if you’ve “pre-paid” for the year either way, vs dropping $60 at the door and having it not work out!
Extra anon for this
This is an excellent point, and I’ll admit it is one I had not thought of! I definitely view museums as a free place with Heat/AC to kill time with the kids, not something that’s going to cost our family $60 to walk into. That will definitely be an adjustment I had not previously thought of.
The location we’re looking at has an indoor kid’s gym that you can join for a monthly fee, so hopefully that will help burn off some of the energy during months it’s too cold for the playground.
anon
Two years ago I moved from Manhattan to DC and my salary was halved but my savings doubled. Manhattan bleeds money from you in ways you can’t imagine. NYC taxes (on top of NY State Taxes) – $10,000/year. Groceries. Transportation is a really big one — that $7 uber in DC is a $20 uber in Manhattan, and it takes so much longer to get anywhere, and all of your friends are 1 hour away instead of 15 minutes away. Restaurants are more expensive. I guarantee you you’ll want to travel more because Manhattan is suffocating and you’ll want to leave once every six weeks. And vacations are inherently more expensive because you spend so much money taking cabs to and from the airport. Holiday tips for apartment staff. Joining a gym is so much more expensive. I used to say that I couldn’t leave my apartment in Manhattan for less than $100. Prepare yourself for sticker shock.
Extra anon for this
The uber cost difference is a great point. I’ve noticed that when I’m in NYC, but forgot to factor it in when I was looking at our likely cab expenses. (Ubers are INSANELY cheap in DC)
Anonymous
Take a look at FreshDirect to see how prices compare to what you’re used to for groceries. Kids classes cost more depending on the age. If you’re still in strollers try to figure out if your apartment allows stroller parking in public areas, if not your apartment may feel smaller than it actually is. The big cost for us is eating out all the time at restaurants or ordering in.
Anon
May I ask why you settled on Manhattan? I live in Astoria, Queens, and my commute is only 30 minutes via subway to Midtown, and that’s including the walk to and from the subway. It’s safe, vibrant, and so affordable ($12 cocktails, people). Can’t wait to start a family there someday.
I think if you don’t mind going a bit out of your way (in NYC terms, that may mean a 25 minute subway ride) to stock up on dry goods (flour, oats, beans, pastas, ect.) and the utilizing farmers’ markets/your local, corner produce guy, New York isn’t so unattainable. I lived in DC for a year and was SHOCKED when I moved to NYC and saw unlimited subway and bus travel was $127 for a whole month! That’s almost half the price of what it is in DC! The laundry thing does suck and it’s a weird thing to get used to. I also don’t have children; I can easily force my S/O to walk 10ish blocks somewhere versus hopping in a cab, and I realize that’s something that may not always be possible with small children. I think you probably have a good grasp of where you’ll see a cost increase and how to pick-and-choose your battles. But heads up, date night with you and your S/O I bet will be where you are shocked by the price, I was.
Extra anon for this
Thanks!
We settled on manhattan primarily because of the school district. If all goes through, we’ll be in Stuytown, which a lot of my childless friends there aren’t a fan of but seems nice for a family with children. My husband’s job will be in LIC but we don’t ultimately know where I’ll end up (my current job has agreed to contract me remotely until I find something else which I’m very fortunate for), but I’ll likely be in manhattan.
Gail the Goldfish
I don’t know how the school situation is, but if your husband’s job is in LIC, I lived in both LIC and Astoria (which would be a very short commute) after living in Manhattan and loved both so much more than living in Manhattan. Especially Astoria. You can see the sky. Manhattan can get oppressive.
Anon
+10 to this (original Astoria Reply-er here). Astoria and LIC are such gems. The NYC Ferry! The food! The sweeping views! The free street parking!
Evodia
+1 for LIC! I’ve lived here for 6 years now and absolutely love it!
Anon
Replying to my own post because I totally forgot about something fabulous: Misfits Market (https://www.misfitsmarket.com/). It’s a produce subscription that mails “misfit” (read: ugly) assorted produce to your door every week or every other week. It’s $35 (plus $4.50 for shipping) a week for 18-22 pounds of different fruits and veggies. It’s cheap, convenient, and forces you to get a bit creative.
Extra anon for this
Thanks for the food tips!
We were definitely shocked by the lower cost of public transport as well (DC public transport options are… not cheap). The kids are actually fine walking and we have visited New York a number of times and they navigate the public transport well, I just don’t trust myself to have the discipline to face it every day in the winter. I know that if I get off of work and it’s cold and it’s already dark out and I have to pick a kid up from daycare on the way home, I’ll probably use an uber for a leg of the trip once in a while.
Pipe Dream
On Uber, one of the biggest benefits that I didn’t realize after moving from the city to Westchester is how I hated dragging the carseat (carseat/stroller combo) everywhere. Living in the city, I had to decide before embarking the trip whether it is worth bringing our carseat (i.e., whether we would end up using a uber). Easier when the baby was small and could be in a carrier but difficult when they were at the walking but not yet steadily stage. Now we have a car, we just keep the carseat and stroller in the car all the time and decide on the go which one to use.
Anon
It’s harder to dabble in a few different hobbies because you end up getting rid of hobby equipment a LOT faster when you don’t have storage. Meaning, if you’re into yoga for a few months but then lose interest you’re likely to get rid of the yoga mat and few outfits within the year bc you aren’t using them regularly and you really need the space. If in a few years you get interested in yoga, you are rebuying a mat, sticky socks, etc. or you don’t get back into it because you don’t want to rebuy everything. It’s really unrealistic in NY to have stuff on hand to do a little sewing now and again, some big sports equipment, your home brew hobby, etc.
Anonymous
Holiday tips to everyone and their brother. I’m not kidding. It sounds like NBD but these people don’t “demand” $5 Starbucks gift cards. We’re talking $100-200+ for every secretary at work (depending on your seniority) + $200-500 for the “pool” for doormen etc. in your building. And if you think — so what I won’t do it — that type of thing is remembered so good luck trusting a secretary to make the FedEx deadline or a super coming up to replace the socket that just went out.
Are you renting initially or buying? If renting — have first month, last month, security (a full month’s rent), broker’s fees (usually 1 mos rent or 15% of the rent for the first year) ready to go — so basically have 3-5 months rent on hand before you even start looking for places. And be prepared for how little you get for you money. If you want things like a dishwasher in unit (which you probably do with kids), that jacks up the rent a few hundred/mo. I mean you can get the same things in NYC that you can in DC, definitely. But my “luxury” one bedroom (though not so luxury anymore bc it was built 10 years ago and there’s tons of new housing stock) with washer/dryer in unit with a gym and upstairs luxury lounge with pool which goes for about $2200 in Ballston is EASILY a $5k apartment in Manhattan — and I suspect with a family you’re not living in a one bed. These are the reasons I left Manhattan. I do toy with the idea of going back because job opportunities there are better than anyplace else, but then I imagine myself being 55 and still dealing with daily life there and it doesn’t work for as I know I won’t be one of the ones bringing home 800k or 1.5 million/yr (in which case it is an AMAZING place to live), on 180k or 220k — not so much.
Extra anon for this
Thanks for the tip advice, that was certainly not something we had considered outside of childcare staff! Since our accounts will be fairly low from a recent move by the holidays (assuming we move forward with this), this is something I definitely need to keep in mind!
We will be renting in Stuytown if all goes through, so there is no broker fee, which is nice. We have accepted that we cannot afford in-unit laundry and a decent public school district. Well, we could, but not if we would like to ever eat a meal we didn’t prepare ourselves or take a cab or go out to dinner or send laundry out or anything else we need to have any quality of life. We do have 2 months rent and moving expenses and utility deposits etc. in checking alone, and will be allocating a couple thousand dollars from our leave payouts to ensure that we can buy shelving, storage containers, small furniture etc. to get the place organized and make it liveable. We’re actually not losing many square feet, but we do want to start out well-organized, especially knowing how trapped we’ll probably feel in the winter.
Dpmitten
Stuy town is kind of a pain to get to. From there to LIC for work, your husband will either have a very long walk to union square with one line change, or two line changes from the L. So I’d factor in a lot of Ubers because getting to stuy town on the subway with kids from a museum, park, etc. May be annoying. Honestly, you might do better to live in queens or even the upper east side.
NYCer
Yeah, you will definitely need to factor in cabs/Ubers if you are in Stuy town. The avenue blocks are loooong, especially with kids, and the subway is not close at all. OP, it seems like you’re pretty settled on Stuy town, but have you considered the UES? (I assume you are somewhat budget conscious, but the Second Avenue subway really made the further east side of the UES a lot more accessible.)
Extra anon for this
FWIW I just thought of a relatively-small but still immediate expense I hadn’t thought of… I imagine we’ll need to upgrade our winter gear significantly. Going from my car to the office door in the snow is one thing… walking half a mile to the subway is another. Will definitely want to invest in a good, expensive down coat I’d imagine, same for the whole family.
anne-on
Yes, this. You NEED snow pants/boots/down coats/hats/gloves times two for the kids, unless you have those magical unicorn children who never forget their outerwear/gloves/boots at school. It is also not unusual to have boots live outside the classroom and then need to pack sneakers for school use (unfortunately, this makes boots extra likely to be forgotten).
Dpmitten
Also: rain gear. I hardly ever need hunter boots now that I don’t live in nyc anymore. You will need good boots, a raincoat, and umbrellas.
Anon
In addition to what everyone else said, the most difficult part of living in NYC for me is all the great and expensive things to do! Like museums, Broadway shows, plays, Lincoln Centet, restaurants, etc. There’s so much to do but it’s all so expensive unless you want to only go to museums on the few free days. If you want to meet up with a friend for a drink and some light food, that alone can easily set you back $60. It’s tough to balance.
Anon
Someone who made the move to NY from DC here. Would caution against Stuytown and recommend that you find an apt in LIC. You’re going to have to use Uber constantly if you live in Stuytown. Also the environment around there is especially noisy compared to the rest of Manhattan. If you really don’t want to do LIC, consider Battery Place, which is a lot more family friendly. UES in the 90s can also be a more cost-friendly place to live. All of these neighborhoods would be better than Stuytown for young children while relatively same cost.
As to laundry costs, it’s actually not that bad if you get a portable washer. A decent one costs about $200. I got a mini portable washer from Haier, which was a game changer. Normally it’s hidden in a closet, when I need to wash clothes, I just roll it out, hook it up to the kitchen sink, and let it work its magic. The initial setup is tricky though and might take some time. It’s just super convenient and saves the hassle and cost of sending it out. I also got a clothes rack and mostly dry my clothes either on the rack or in the bathroom, which is more environmentally friendly.
Grocery is also not that bad. The bigger cost actually comes from the temptation of having so many easily accessible and delicious restaurants surrounding you everywhere, so the cost of eating out gets higher.
But by far my biggest cost has been Uber and NYC city tax (an extra 4 percent on top of NY state and federal tax), hence the recommendation to stay away from Stuytown.
YNAB alternatives
I’ve been using YNAB for over four years, and it worked for my budgeting purposes. But I purchased the software when it used to be a downloaded program on my old computer, it doesn’t work on my new computer, and I am unwilling to pay a $80+ yearly fee for budgeting software. The main features I like are the envelope system and the ability to compare across months easily.
Any recommendations for alternatives to check out?
anon
If you want something free and like a degree of manual involvement, try looking at some of the free downloadable excel templates. I downloaded one called Pear Budget a few years ago and heavily amended it for my own needs and it works really well for our family. It is built from a envelope/zero base system, and takes a little bit of time to set up the first time. After that, we just download our CC and bank statements and drop right in (one of our adjustments to the template was to make this a simple copy and paste off our statement downloads) and touch once per month after the initial set up. Before I was married I would update weekly for more continuous tracking, and that worked really well for just me.
Anonymous
We also use a good ol’ Excel spreadsheet for our budgeting. I have a master one for yearly and monthly household and a tab for pay-period budgeting for myself and my husband. Mine is pretty simple and so it doesn’t do a lot of fancy analytics but it keeps us on track.
Anon
Goodbudget definitely has the envelopes – not sure if there is a monthly comparison feature of it it’s part of the premium version, if it is.
Ribena
I have used Goodbudget for six years now and also recommend it. Also not sure if there’s a monthly comparison feature.
Annie
Check to see if your bank or credit union has one. My credit union has a really great free budgeting app/page.
Anon
I have this dress in navy for an upcoming wedding: https://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/embracing-grace-maxi-dress/158695.html
Any tips on sweaters or cover ups to wear? It’ll be cold at night where we’re going, but in the past, I’ve grabbed whatever I had laying around and it never looked good. Budget is up to $50, preferably less.
Anon
Caracilia Faux Fur Shawl wrap on the river s*te. Link to follow.
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/Caracilia-Shawl-Winter-Bridal-Wedding/dp/B074SGM2H7
Anon
Hi have this, it is really good quality for the price and keeps you just the right amount of warm.
Anon
Thanks for the link, but that’s not really my style (I guess I don’t like faux fur). Would love any other recs if you have them though.
Anon
I wouldn’t do a faux fur with a dress that leans summery. It’s not going to look good together. I’d do a pashmina or a silk stole in navy blue.
Anonymous
I would do a pink pashmina or a pink cropped Moto jacket
https://www.revolve.com/mobile/superdown-gia-moto-jacket-in-blush/dp/SPDW-WO6/?&d=F¤cy=USD&countrycode=US&_cclid=Google_EAIaIQobChMI8MWTuPjW5AIVhIbACh2Bbwn4EAQYBSABEgL9AvD_BwE&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8MWTuPjW5AIVhIbACh2Bbwn4EAQYBSABEgL9AvD_BwE&product=SPDW-WO6
https://www.loft.com/faux-suede-moto-jacket/517378?skuId=28065609&defaultColor=0225&prodId=517378¤cy=usd&gclsrc=aw.ds&&CID=PLA_NB_G_LT_Main_Mob|LT-G-PLA-Main-Jackets-PLA&ogmap=PLA|ACQ|700000001025280|STND|MULTI|SITEWIDE|CORE|PLA_NB_G_LT_Main_Mob|LT-G-PLA-Main-Jackets-PLA|PRODUCT_GROUP|EAIaIQobChMIxrXi-PjW5AIVjYbACh175w6tEAQYAiABEgKtf_D_BwE||p35067819321|71700000038534756|58700004221565986&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxrXi-PjW5AIVjYbACh175w6tEAQYAiABEgKtf_D_BwE
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/i.n.c.-solid-oversized-soft-wrap-created-for-macys?ID=6047533&pla_country=US&cm_mmc=Google_Handbags_PLA-_-G_LIA_Handbags_All_Handbags-_-307936590624-_-pg1050940617_m_kclickid__kenshoo_clickid__KID_EMPTY_1617311468_69656231228_307936590624_pla-294747633586_51059954127USA__m_KID_&trackingid=477×1050940617&m_sc=sem&m_sb=Google&m_tp=LIA&m_ac=Google_Handbags_PLA&m_ag=All_Handbags&m_cn=G_LIA_Handbags&m_pi=go_cmp-1617311468_adg-69656231228_ad-307936590624_pla-294747633586_dev-m_ext-_prd-51059954127USA&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIiO2Rx_nW5AIVA9vACh170guWEAQYDyABEgK7DfD_BwE
Anonymous
I don’t tend to do nice small things for myself, even though I can afford it. I tend to feel like “oh, I don’t need to spend money on X when I have this perfectly serviceable thing already. If you were going to spend $50 or $100 on little luxuries for yourself, what would you do? I would welcome general concepts or specific products that have increased your feeling of happiness/wellbeing. As a friend pointed out to me last night, I really need to be nicer to myself. Tips gratefully accepted.
Anon
Some ideas include…comfy lounge wear, a Barefoot dream cardigan, nice candles, gym membership (to a place you will enjoy), good chocolate or wine, luxe bath products (I focus on good body and hand cream), nicely packed lunches.
Anon
Things that make me happy: good sheets and towels, nice bath/beauty products that smell good, getting regular pedicures. A few years ago I got rid of all my underwear that was falling apart and replaced with good quality underwear. Same with socks.
Vicky Austin
+1 – when I think of small luxuries I think of things that you might ordinarily buy “good enough” for, like sheets, towels, underwear, socks, etc.
Anon
New bras, magazine subscription, high-quality spices, a few mugs that feel and look great if you are a tea or coffee drinker, regular fresh flowers
Law mama
Taking a day off work and getting pool pass at fancy hotel to enjoy last days of summer!
Anon
Get your car detailed if you have one! In my city there are mobile services that come to your driveway. It’s more like $200 but felt so great
C2
I love this idea – I spend a decent amount of time driving to clients for my job, and so having a clean car on the inside and outside is important to me. I have it fully detailed once a year, and do a full interior vacuum and wipe-down at the local car wash once a month (costs about $38). Getting into a clean car gives me the same feeling as getting into a made bed at night.
cat socks
I would get a massage or mani/pedi.
Biggest Balls in the Room
This. I used to get monthly massages and got out of the habit. I just started again and it makes such a difference.
Marie
+1 monthly massages make a huge difference for my overall well-being. Just knowing I have one scheduled helps me get through stressful periods, to say nothing about how rejuvenated I feel afterward.
Daffodil
+1
anon
Comfy and cute lounge wear. Something that’s comfortable to throw on after work, but cute enough that if you were to take a short walk around your neighborhood, you wouldn’t be embarrassed. Along these lines, cute pajamas.
Second the idea of cute and comfy undies and bras. I also recommend stocking all of the same undies so you it’s one less decision to make in the morning.
Uniform and enough hangers.
anon
For me, taking care of myself usually involves a little bit of money and about an hour or two by myself. Examples would be buying a nice bubble bath and taking an hour to read a book or magazine, buying a latte and sitting somewhere I can people watch, getting a manicure, getting a day pass to a local spa’s steam room and sauna (and pool if the weather is right), taking a yoga class, etc.
Not exactly “little luxuries,” but it makes me feel better to spend money and/or time on repairing or replacing wardrobe items–replace ripped underwear, mend a ripped hem, sew a button, take that dress to the tailor, get shoes repaired and polished, etc. Every year, I end up with a small pile of items I need to deal with, and focusing on those errands for a couple of weeks makes me feel better.
Dlc
Echo what everyone says about getting a nice bra. Go somewhere where they will size you- part of treating yourself when buying a bra, I think, is going to a specialty store that will be extra nice and give you lots of attention. Actually in general- I find indulging in things where someone is nice to you and you come out feeling great (i.e. a haircut) feels luxurious.
anon
-Getting my eyebrows done professionally every 2-3 weeks
-Decent sunglasses
-Nice nightgown instead of sleeping in old law school tee
Anon
I bought this hands-free smoothie blender two months ago fully expecting it to fall apart immediately but not only is it still going strong it’s also such a time saver. It blends right in the cup, cup fits in a cupholder and holds a good amount. I used to have to blend with immersion blender and transfer, then wash blender, bowl, and cup at the end of the day. Now I have 10 min back every morning, if not more.
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07SPY4QT3/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anonanonanon
Nice PJs (I like soma or my lilly pulitzer ones. I prefer the pants and button up shirt combo)
Accessories (I’m into buying myself thin gold layering necklaces right now and playing around with layering different ones to elevate a white tshirt and jeans on the weekends with a blazer, leather jacket, denim jacket, etc.)
Car wash and detailing
When I was a habitual gym-goer, I treated myself to a nice robe for the locker room (since I went in the morning and got ready for work there)
anon
I have really coarse, thick hair (similar to the Kennedy family) and spring for straightening treatments about 3 times a year. It saves me soooo much time and looks so much better. I am 50 and now pay better attention to my nails, too. I like to have a pedicure once a month and try to keep clear polish on my finger nails.
Anon
Audible subscription.
Having some cash in a pocket (10 bucks etc.) that can be easily given/donated without stopping to dig etc. if somewhere where that is relevant.
Nice things to eat and drink from, for everyday, chosen with care. (Cutlery, a beautiful bowl, nice linen napkins, a special tea cup, a beautiful tray for your breakfast).
Higher quality cook-ware. (A quite good knife, an ergonomic potato peeler, new bottle opener, etc.)
A lovely cashmere stole (Uniqlo are reasonable) for travel.
Higher quality things for sleep – bed-linen that you really enjoy (whether that is flannel, linen, satin, workhorse cotton or silk – I can really recommend a silk pillowcase, very lovely), bed socks, a daylight alarm clock…
Higher quality things for orgasms.
Shampoo and soaps without SLSs.
Small quality/workmanship upgrades in foods (I recommend the youtube Epicurious series “price points” (experts blind testing things) for learning about what small but possibly enjoyable differences might look and taste like, and see if something tickles your fancy – the wonderful cheese lady, e.g. is so great.)
House plants.
Repairing something you don’t really like, and then donating it. I last did this with a shirt that needed a button fixed. Button fixed, shirt donated, closet free from non-loved shirt in good condition.
Anonymous
Love the idea of a small ongoing “luxury” like a subscription box – personally I’ve had Oatbox on the go for while now, which delivers handmade, small batch cereal to my door monthly ;) These boxes are as cheap as $20/month, so no a huge outlay at all, and super fun to receive. They also include a pretty mason jar with your first box for doing overnight oats or similar. https://www.oatbox.com/en/
Anon
A delightful article in the NYT for you all: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/09/08/world/europe/germany-primary-school.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share
That’s how I want to raise my kids – let them be kids and develop their independence, start school late with a celebration, then let them be independent. Not sure it would fly here though since the cops would probably get called on a six-year-old walking alone…
Anon
Since you liked this article, Achtung Baby is basically the book version (and tries to be the German version of ‘Bringing Up Bebe’).
DCR
I can’t access the article, but just wanted to comment that some of how kids are treated in the US really varies by area. I live in DC, and just this morning saw a ton of middle school kids taking the metro to school by themselves or in groups of 3-4 kids. Whereas, my friends and co-workers in the suburbs think its crazy that middle school kids get to school by themselves on public transit, especially since many of the kids in DC go to a middle school that is across the city from them. Just like it is easier to be a working mom in an neighborhood with lots of working moms instead of being the only one among a sea of stay at home moms, it is easier to give kids more freedom when in an neighborhood where that is common. (but there is probably no where in the US where a 6-year old walking alone would be considered ok)
Anonymous
Kids in Europe take public transit to school starting at age 7. They literally do not have school buses. Kids get the city bus/subway on their own.
DCR
Are the kids in Europe taking public transit by themselves to school at 7? DC doesn’t have school buses either, absent a need because of a disability. (I think NYC doesn’t have buses either, but I don’t know of any other cities that don’t have school buses.) But all the elementary school kids I see on public transit are with their parents. It’s only middle school and high school kids I see by themselves.
Anon
Yes, they are. Check out the article for a little more info, but on my trips to Europe, I’ve loved seeing first-graders walking themselves to school or taking the S-Bahn alone. It’s not so different from how it used to be in the U.S. – we’ve just dramatically changed the expectations for when kids can do things alone over the last 30 -40 years or so. I personally prefer the German approach because I think independence and autonomy in school-age children is essential to development and happiness.
anonshmanon
Yes, city kids do.
Anonymous
Yes. Public transit is much more widely available in Europe. So whether it’s school kids in Vienna or in rural Germany, they start taking public transit when they start school. Primary schooling starts at age 7. ‘Kindergarten’ is for 3-6 year olds and is more like preschool.
Anonymous
They are in Japan as well. We saw very young kids solo on the subway in Tokyo.
anon
There are school buses in Europe.
Anon
We have school buses in Europe, at least in my part. Where I’m from there are school buses in places where there isn’t adequate public transport, and then often the “school bus” will double as public transport open to everybody else as well, but it will be a non-efficient route to pick up kids in rural areas, ending at a school. Any child with a route longer than 2.5 miles will get free public transport to school (4 miles for high school, 1.2 miles for preschool) everybody else are expected to walk or bike to school.
anonshmanon
Utah passed a free range parenting law last March that states that letting your kid walk around alone can never be sufficient grounds for CPS investigations. Other states were looking to do the same.
Anon
I was curious about this, and look at the statute. It’s actually really vague and provides that it is not a crime if the child “is of sufficient age and maturity to avoid harm or unreasonable risk of harm” to engage in certain activities, like walking to school or staying in a care alone. I don’t think this will change anything, because the debate has always been able when a kid is of sufficient age to do those things and there are just different opinions in the US
Seventh Sister
There are plenty of kids in my neighborhood who walk or bike to middle school on their own in a ritzy-ish part of a big city. Fewer elementary students do – they can leave the elementary campus on their own starting at 4th grade, and while there *probably* is a rule that forbids me from letting my 3rd grader walk alone to school, I let him do it since he’s perfectly capable of doing so and I’ll take the non-zero risk of someone calling CPS. Not everyone can, or does – I’m not a single mom or a parent of color.
Seventh Sister
I think there is also a big issue about parental norms. My spouse and I have been very vocal about the fact that we let our daughter (relevant because I think there is a double standard) bike home from middle school and to activities, in the hopes that her other friends will be allowed to do similar things.
Anon
Does anyone remember that WaPo reporter who wrote an article noting that according to some obscure USDA survey, some county in Minnesota the ugliest place in America, and then he went to visit and was struck by the easy lifestyle and people’s friendliness, and ended up moving there? His book just came out last week and I’m halfway through and he talks about how much autonomy the kids have in the new small town compared to his DC suburb – kids ride their bikes until dark with no adults and no one thinks anything of it, etc. I think parenting can be really different outside of the urban coastal elite bubble.
https://www.amazon.com/You-Lived-Here-Youd-Home/dp/0062861476/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2DMG904687G
Anon
I agree that life is very different in rural areas, as someone with family who still lives in the rural area in which I grew up (which also comes with it’s one set of drawbacks). But I don’t find childrearing to be all that different between urban coastal areas and mid-sized cities in the Midwest. It’s not a coastal elite bubble thing that kids don’t roam the streets alone, that is just an city/suburban area thing.
Anon
Yeah I live in a small city/large town in the Midwest (population of the metro area is ~150k). The city overall is very safe and our neighborhood in particular is amazingly safe. And I’ve never heard of children playing unaccompanied outside until they are maybe 9-10. My kids are younger, but a co-worker has a 9 year old and doesn’t let his child walk the dog around the (incredibly safe) block for fear someone will call CPS. Our elementary school prohibits unaccompanied walkers before fourth grade, even if the children live literally one block away and can see their house from school.
Anon
Wow, that’s absurd. How terrible to infantilize children in this way.
Anon
So, this is unconnected, but kind of related. For some unknown reason, I was thinking this morning about the time I left home for school to discover that one of my mom’s car windows was broken, and was really unset about it when I got to school. My mom left for work before I started walking to school, and hadn’t noticed it. So, I must have been in 4th or 5th grade, and I was allowed to finish getting ready, lock up the house, and walk to school alone. I can’t see that happening anywhere nowadays, but the early 90s were a different time.
Anonymous
I can’t see how the school has any kind of authority to prohibit parental behavior off school grounds. I mean they could call CPS but is CPS really going to care?
RR
Wow. My Midwestern city school district doesn’t even provide busing for any kids living less than about a mile and a half away from the school. My 6 year old plays outside alone in our neighborhood all the time.
sdrt
@Anon124 CPS means child protective services, not C-city public schools.
CPS
Please don’t call CPS on someone before talking to them. I am dealing with an ongoing CPS investigation because one of my neighbors recently reported us. My daughter is 8 years old, and this year I thought it was appropriate for her to walk to and from school alone (1.5 blocks on residential streets in a very safe urban neighborhood). We taught her extensively about crossing streets etc. and of course practiced. The CPS investigation is harrowing – they individually interviewed my daughter at a municipal building of some kind. My husband and I have had to take time off of work to have “home studies” done, and have various meetings with social workers. We are currently not allowing her to walk to her friends’ apartments/condos even if on the same block (only within our building – and even that makes me nervous that I am going to get in trouble). She is frustrated by this as are we. She is very upset because she is afraid she is going to be taken away from us. I am confident that won’t happen but it is really stress inducing.
Fwiw, I am from a European country where it is commonplace for children that age and younger to walk/take public transit to school on their own.
Anon
I cannot believe you are going through all of that for letting your child walk down the street. You should contact the people at the Let Grow movement and share your story so it gets the publicity (and hopefully actionable change) that it deserves. You’re an awesome parent.
Anon
@Anon at 1:24, they don’t release children who don’t have a parent there to pick them up. The “unaccompanied student” has to wait with a teacher while the parents get a phone call. You’re probably right that they can’t outright prohibit you from having your child walk *to* school, although I imagine you’d get a phone call from the principal the first time and possibly a referral to CPS (child protective services) if it keeps happening.
@RR We don’t have busing within 1.5 miles either. The expectation is that parents who live that close will drive, bike or walk with children (lots of SAHMs here..). The objection is to children walking alone, not to walking period.
Vicarious Shopping: Wallet/Clutch
Vicarious shopping request – I’m on the hunt for a clutch/wristlet that can double as a wallet. Something that’s easy to slip in my purse but can also be used alone when I need a smaller bag without completely deconstructing my wallet and having credit cards everywhere (i.e., my current system). I’d also love to be able to fit a cell phone/lip glass/keys/
I nearly purchased the Dagne Dover wallet clutch, but it only has 4 card slots, which is not enough. Budget is up to ~$125.
cat socks
I have this from Amazon. The title is kind of wordy. It’s big enough to fit my cell phone, but not keys. You may be able to put a lip gloss in there. I got a wristlet from Etsy for my keys and attach it to the wallet with a swivel hook.
Lavemi Women’s RFID Blocking Real Leather Zip Around Wallet Clutch Large Travel Purse Wristlet
Anon
Not the OP, but this looks awesome! I’ve been looking for something similar for a long time.
Anon
Michael Kors Adele Leather Smartphone Wallet?
OP
Great find! If anyone else is looking for something similar, the Pebbled Leather Crossbody by Michael Kors also fits the bill – small crossbody with wallet functionality plus extra storage.
HSAL
Resident Hobo evangelist here – they have several that fit the bill. Check out the Vida (strap) or Lauren (no strap). They used to have one that had a retractable wristlet strap that I love, but looks like they don’t make that one anymore.
Anon
I’m eyeing this for the same purpose:
Anon
https://www.freepeople.com/shop/fp-movement-x-caraa-mini-circle-convertible-belt-bag/?adpos=1o4&color=001&countryCode=US&creative=194691987529&device=c&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvM3V3t3V5AIVEqvsCh1wogsQEAQYBCABEgLB2_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&inventoryCountry=US&matchtype=&mrkgadid=3207383198&mrkgcl=720&network=g&product_id=50302348&size=One%20Size&utm_content=Accessories&utm_term=50302348
Boyfriend thinks I’m unattractive
Update from last week. I really appreciated all of your thoughts, and I think you all made salient points. I was going to try to stay together with my BF in hopes that we could talk through it and he would realize how upset it made me and we could move forward. This weekend is making me rethink it.
He came over on Saturday and I made dinner for us and we were physically intimate (initiated entirely by him), and things were good and normal in our interactions. I made a comment about how I was having a good time and was glad that we were working on moving forward. (Not that it is relevant, but the dinner I made was all vegetables and chicken breast, and I made him rice and ate mine without carbs because I wanted to make sure that it was clear that I was working on my food choices.)
He responded by telling me that just because we had s3x once that didn’t mean things were back to normal, and he wanted me to know that going forward he values “continuing to make healthy choices” and that it was important to him that I am physically attractive to him. I think this might be my breaking point – I do want children and of course I accept that my body will change over the course of my life, but this conversation is making me see that he will not be able to accept that.
Anon
Like we said, DTMFA already. We’re clearly not wrong. Do it before this morning post is stale.
I’m sorry you went through this. You deserve better and I hope you take the step of clearing this trash from your life.
Anon
Wow. He is a major d-bag. Stop trying to prove yourself to him. Dump him immediately. You are better than this. Eat all the carbs. F&ck him.
Anon
Girl, you need therapy. Stat. Everything about this post screams toxicity and insecurity.
Anon
Gently, +1. He’s a jerk and you’re letting him be. Why is that?
Anonymous
+500
Anonymous
Yes. At this point this is a you problem, not a him problem. Why don’t you value yourself more than this? Why are you clinging to this deficient, toxic person as though he is the last man on Earth? I assure you, he is not.
Friend, you deserve better than this. Please dump this dude and then before going back into the dating pool, go get some therapy to figure out why you are allowing people to treat you like garbage. You are not garbage. You are a valuable person with much to offer. Somewhere out there is a man who will love and appreciate you exactly the way you are. Every minute you spend with the loser you’re currently dating is holding you back from finding that person. Please don’t waste any more time trying to fix this person who is clearly broken. It is not going to work and later, you will kick yourself for hanging in there too long. I speak from experience.
Senior Attorney
So much this! I was married to that guy for 15 years and I promise you, you will never be thin or pretty enough for him. I lost a ton of weight and after I got thin and pretty guess what? He found plenty of other things to criticize. DTMFA and get yourslf to therapy and learn how to love yourself!!
anon
What the actual f*ck.
Ellen
Agreed. But is there a chance this woman is a troll? I think she got plenty of consistent advice last week to DTMFA, yet she cooks him dinner Saturday, listens to him berate her more, has $ex with him and comes back here to whine? I am really beginning to think someone is out there F***ing with us. FOOEY on such person if I am right! What does the hive think? Is this person for real? I sure do NOT think so, but will ask Dad, tho he will NOT read all of the comments b/f judging whether I am right or not. Even I (who had to put up with Sheketovits’es antics, would never let him treat me this way). DOUBEL FOOEY
Anonymous
Omg – dump him. Children is not the only thing that changes your body. Aging also changes your body. What if you have health issues? He’s horrid and clearly trying to make you break up with him. FWIW, a good guy will put the kids to bed on his own and go get you DQ ice cream because you had an awful day at work. And he will complain when you put a bra on in the morning because he loves seeing you topless even after nursing 3 kids when you don’t even like seeing yourself topless. And he’ll tell you you’re hot even though you’re 20lbs more than when you got married. My DH is far, far from perfect and we definitely argue too much about stupid stuff, but he is fundamentally kind to me and I cannot think of a more important quality in a partner than kindness.
You deserve kindness. You deserve better than this guy.
Anon
THIS.
Cat
+100000
The original Scarlett
+ 1 million
Anonymous
Everything about this. My husband has pawed at me at both the top and bottom of a 70lb swing and everything in between. Still is now that I’m 5 months pregnant, still will be after. This guy is a loser and you can do way, way better. And I agree that you need to see a professional about self-esteem issues (been there, no judgement).
Anonymous
Break up with him and get some therapy on what took you so long.
Marie
I didn’t weigh in on this the first time because I thought enough people pointed out that this guy needed to go. However, I’m chiming in now that for your own mental and physical health, you need to dump him. He is cruel and controlling, full stop. Consider whether you want to plan and spend every meal knowing he is judging your choices and doubting whether you have done enough to make him think you deserve him (and on that note, WTAF?! You shouldn’t have to convince someone who is supposed to love you that you are enough for him). With a guy like this, it will also always be something, whether it’s your food choices, friends, work, clothes, etc.
Also, given that you want to have kids, do you want your children subjected to this same behavior from their father or to learn from their father that it’s okay to treat their mother this way?
Please update us when you’ve taken out this trash.
emeralds
YES. Omg, WHO the actual F*CK does this guy think he is? You deserve SO much better than this utter piece of trash.
Thank u, next!!
anonshmanon
Also put ‘Irreplacable’ on a loop. It was made for your exact situation.
Worry about yourself
These are all really good points. OP, even if he can no longer take issue with your weight, he’ll pick some other thing to harp on. This is not a person you want to spend the rest of your life with, or have kids with. This isn’t a person anyone should be spending their life with.
potato
+1 He will treat your children this way. They, and you, deserve better.
anon
Dump this loser. Dump him. He sucks. This guy is awful. Why are you subjecting yourself to this type of treatment? JFC. Dump him. Aren’t your real life friends telling you to dump him? If not, they should be. If they’re telling you you need to stay with him, then you need to dump them, too. Oh, and this? “He responded by telling me that just because we had s3x once that didn’t mean things were back to normal, and he wanted me to know that going forward he values “continuing to make healthy choices”? Translation: After I (for some reason) agreed to have s3x with this person who has demonstrated that he is not a safe person for me to trust, that he does not care about me, and that he uses my vulnerability as a weakness, he created yet another opportunity to shame me, devalue me, and put me in my place, control me, *and* threatened that it would continue.” I am indignant on your behalf. PLEASE dump him.
Worry about yourself
I was so happy for you, until you mentioned what the dinner was, and how he needed you to continue making healthy choices for things to be okay between the two of you. Gross! If you liked the chicken and veggies, then great, I guess, but romantic dinners should be a treat! Find yourself a guy who’d be thrilled to see you enjoying a nice big steak, or your favorite pasta dish, because it makes you happy.
Look, a good partner does encourage you to be your best self, and supports the crap outta you when you do decide to eat healthy and exercise, but a guy who requires you to stay skinny for him at the expense of your happiness is a jerk. Dump him, set yourself free, let him go bang all the skinny girls he wants – I mean, I’d rather see him banished to a life of solitude on Jerk Island, but we don’t always get what we want.
Vicky Austin
Your eating choices should come straight from YOU. You are creating disordered eating patterns for yourself as we speak by allowing him to control you in this way. Put him in the rearview and don’t look back.
anonshmanon
He does not deserve you! You can do so much better than this clown!
Dolce
I’ve always been thin. Size 2, barely 100 lbs. my figure was a point of pride. I exercised religiously and ate completely clean.
Then I came down with horrible health issues and literally gained 100 lbs in two years, despite all my dieting efforts.
It was awful. My self-esteem took a nosedive. And because my identity was all wrapped up in HEALTH and ATHLETICS, this new round body felt like an imposter.
The only thing that kept me sane? My husband. He fell in love with me when I was thin, but he never once made me feel anything but beautiful and wanted. His support has been invaluable.
You deserve that too. DTMFA.
And consider therapy. This kind of behavior should be non-negotiable. Explore why you think you should tolerate it.
Anon
Aww I’m sorry about your health issues but what a sweet story.
Anonome
Do you punch kittens for fun?
No? Then you deserve better than this douche.
Anon
This is amazing and so true.
Anon
I want to reiterate how absolutely insane this whole scenario is. I’m shocked and horrified at the interactions you’re describing. Nothing about this is normal or okay. Please please go see a therapist to work through what’s going on with you that this kind of behavior isn’t making you recoil in horror and run away. Step one is to end things with this guy, but step two is to figure out why your initial response is to placate him rather than to run away. Honestly, I would not trust your own judgment at this point. Going to therapy will help you recalibrate your relationship radar so that you can find someone who is actually a good person.
Anon
This. The only response to your boyfriend’s comments should have been “I cannot believe that you think that those thoughts are appropriate. You don’t get to treat me that way, not now and not ever. We’re over. Never call me again.” Alter how you like, but there is absolutely no “compromise” or “middle ground” to be had here.
Anon
“Please please go see a therapist to work through what’s going on with you that this kind of behavior isn’t making you recoil in horror and run away. Step one is to end things with this guy, but step two is to figure out why your initial response is to placate him rather than to run away. Honestly, I would not trust your own judgment at this point.”
Not the OP, but I had a lot of toxic or just demoralising relationships with men for many years. The best description of my problems – which made me bait for predators – was “did not recoil in horror.” It took me many years to even put a name to the problem, which was abuse. For some unknown reason (okay, completely known: the adults around me refused to treat the issue like the massive problem it was), I just never put the “abuse” label on the constant physical assaults, doled out by a homicidal relative.
When people suggested therapy, it always sounded like I was broken, and I was so f-cking tired of hearing that I was broken, because my assailant would tell me I was broken and useless and threatened to have me locked up if I didn’t silently take the beatings.
So… yeah, you all probably think you sound great when you suggest therapy to “fix what’s wrong,” but if the OP is anything like me, you’re not being as helpful as you would think.
Anon
So what DOES one say to a friend in a situation like you describe?
Anon
Put the focus on HIS problems, his shortcomings, his issues, his desire for control, not the problems with the person who puts up with it.
“Normal people do not behave this way. If they have a problem like X, they behave in X way or Y way to respond to it.” Then explain, with kindness, that this type of thing isn’t manageable, fixable, or something that you just put up with – it’s symptomatic of larger problems.
anon
Your second paragraph is exactly what everyone said in response to the OP last week. The focus has been on his issues. But sometimes people need to do some work to figure out why they’re putting up with something they should not be. That doesn’t mean that they are broken, it doesn’t mean they are defective or it’s their fault. It means that they are engaging in a maladaptive thought process, who knows from where, that needs examination and adjusting. A lot of people don’t inherently recognize that terrible behavior isn’t normal, isn’t their fault, isn’t fixable, isn’t just something they should put up with. It sounds like you yourself went through a period like that. It shocks me that you’re blasting therapy as a method to figure out how to protect yourself from other people’s poor behavior and makes me question your judgment. Signed, someone who is also in therapy to learn how protect herself from other people’s bad behavior.
Anon
Continuing: when you ask her why she’s putting up with it and tell her she needs therapy, you’re reinforcing in her mind that she is the problem, she is broken, and she needs fixing – just for a different reason.
It really helped me when friends would explain how normal people handle conflict and issues, and firmly put the issues in the camps of the men who were, bluntly, not emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship.
The way I grew up, everything was my fault: my reactions, whatever I had allegedly done to trigger the violence, whether I fought back or didn’t fight back, told adults or explained it well enough, blah blah blah. NO ONE EVER put the focus on the perp and the fact that normal people do not hold down and beat little kids for funsies.
“Why did you let that happen?” was literally something that a family member snottily asked me… because the bigger problem is, in my family, my reactions and not the abuse.
anon
I really disagree, and I think that you’re assuming bad intentions that aren’t there and/or intentionally misinterpreting what I am (and others are) saying. No one is asking OP why she “let that happen” or blaming her for rocking the boat or for what her jerk BF said. Your are projecting your baggage here in a really inappropriate way. Not going to engage with this any further.
Anonymous
The point is, his behaviors aren’t normal, but hers aren’t either. It’s not rational to say that he’s the one being maladapted here – she’s implicitly allowing this behavior to continue. That’s why so many people are saying that it’s worth her trying to understand why she is allowing this (yes. . . ) to happen and how to set better boundaries for herself.
Rainbow Hair
Building on this…. I’m honestly surprised at the level of ~surprise~ I’m hearing from women on this board – “I can’t BELIEVE you’d put up with this” type stuff. Like, women on this board are so mean to themselves over their weight all. the. time. (We skip meals and call it “intermittent fasting”; we invent elaborate strategies to allow ourselves a glass of wine and a slice of cake when out with friends, without the possibility of our bodies looking like we indulged; we use apps and subscribe to programs and and and…) We swim in a sea of toxicity about bodies. We are also taught to place so, so much value onto men, approval from men, attractiveness to men, the ability to ‘keep’ a man. (We strategize where to meet them; we wonder how to make them like us; we have elaborate formulae regarding the appropriate time to text back, lest we scare one away…)
So when a woman hears what culture has been screaming at her over and over — “your value is tied up in your smallness and conformance to a narrow ideal of attractiveness” — and it’s combined with the threat of losing what she’s told is the most valuable thing of all, a hetero relationship… why are we surprised that she doesn’t immediately recoil?
OP, I don’t think you’re crazy or broken for putting up with this. I think you *should* kick his @ss to the curb, I *know* you deserve better (and that you can find it!), but I empathize with how hard it is to leave a sh*tty relationship. Hugs.
Anon
Oh come on, intermittent fasting is not some evil concoction of the patriarchy.
Anon
And recommending therapy is not at all the same thing as saying OP is crazy or broken.
Anon
Yes, but there is also no world in which we can’t tell OP to GTFO.
Anonymous
Amen. Amen. Amen.
Rainbow Hair
Well, 11:48, we can agree to disagree on that.
It’s just patently absurd that on this very board women are like “wow how can you think being skinny and attractive is super important, and that your value is tied up in that?!?!? wow! where does that even come from!?” … OP did not get these ideas from thin air.
Of course she needs to dump him. Of course recommending therapy is not saying someone is broken. But people are jumping down her throat in a way that just seems unnecessary and unhelpful.
Anon
“But people are jumping down her throat in a way that just seems unnecessary and unhelpful.”
YES.
Anonymous
I agree with you Rainbow Hair and thank you for saying it!! I think this is also an important teaching moment for this board to recognize that it’s much easier to see the problems from outside the relationship, than inside it. I suspect that many of the women who are ~surprised~ would also on some level struggle to leave the relationship/internalize the negativity from this man/and or blame themselves.
Monday
I agree with this post. (I also agree she needs to dump this guy yesterday, of course.) This board includes a lot of diet culture, diet culture is connected to patriarchy, and intermittent fasting is a form of dieting that is in fashion right now just as other diets have been fashionable before.
Anon
As someone who has done IF, I totally disagree that it’s about hating your body or being mean to yourself. I love myself and my body! I’m a healthy weight and think I’m super attractive, especially to men. I wouldn’t want to lose my curves. However, I also recognize that mindless snacking isn’t the healthiest thing on earth, and for me IF is just about being more mindful about what I put in my mouth and when. So far the primary side effects have been that I go to bed earlier and eat less candy late at night, both of which are objectively healthy and not disordered. Would losing a few pounds be a happy upside? Sure, but I know many men who would love to lose some weight too. I don’t think it’s that gendered or implies you’re trying to hate yourself thin. (I don’t skip meals, fwiw, just eat them on a more compressed schedule.)
anonymous
…did you read her original post? The responses were very compassionate. A number of people responded that they were heartbroken for her. I am interpreting these responses as appalled at him on her behalf, not trying to berate or chastise her for her thought process.
“wow how can you think being skinny and attractive is super important, and that your value is tied up in that?!?!? wow! where does that even come from!?” <—I'm not reading any comments like this at all. I really think you're off base here. His problems extend far beyond needing her to be "attractive."
Anon
I disagree. I think the responses were all firm, but very compassionate. Yes, it’s hard, but sometimes women have to do hard things to protect themselves.
Anonymous
Thanks for always being there to concern tr011 us Rainbow!
Anonymous
The people posting about crazy diets may not be the same people responding here.
Rainbow Hair
Hey, no prob, 12:53 — i’ll try to keep popping in with my “try to be nice!” and “but also smash the patriarchy!” predictability!
The original Scarlett
I think this is a really good point; OP is probably feeling even worse after seeing the chain of “dump him already” posts as it’s easy to get caught up in your own head in an unhealthy relationship. I think RH is demonstrating some needed empathy for the OP while affirming that yes, she should dump the guy.
Eh
Then why don’t you give a more helpful answer? She needs to dump him, and she needs to go to therapy. Is there a better way to say it? Please share.
The response to her first post was OVERWHELMINGLY clear that she should dump him. She didn’t. She instead made him dinner, tried to prove to him that her 5 pound weight gain (sigh) is under control, demonstrated disordered eating in a pathetic attempt to win him back, had sex with him despite his CLEAR DEMONSTRATION that he does not give one single sh*t about her, and is still asking us what she should do. We told her what she should do. Why don’t you try?
Triangle Pose
Exactly. Rainbow Hair, what are we supposed say? I really do find her reaction (making him dinner and not dumping him) shocking. And I struggle with your response because I don’t think I swim in a sea of toxicity and I also don’t think it’s great to have a glass of wine and slice of cake every night or more nights than not. Food is great but I don’t feel great when I eat whatever I want whenever I want. There are a lot of foods out there I just don’t need to eat, fasting helps me feel better sometimes. This doesn’t mean I think fat folks should be judged or treated badly because of their bodies. And on your other point, I do want to marry the right man who treats me well and yes I think that means I don’t incessantly text my boyfriend every thought in my head or look to him to fill my every need.
Anon
You are the least empathetic person ever.
RH makes some good points about societal expectations.
A little kindness would be a good thing for you to practice.
Anon
Disordered eating? She made chicken and vegetables. Sometimes I make myself cauliflower rice and my boyfriend regular rice. Is that disordered? That seems to be a mahhhhjor stretch.
Anon
Yeah! We all said “have some self esteem” and she didn’t. How dare she not do everything we said!
I’d hate to see y’alls advice to people suffering from depression – let me guess, don’t be depressed?
Eh
“I made him rice and ate mine without carbs because I wanted to make sure that it was clear that I was working on my food choices.” That’s where she demonstrates disordered eating. She ate hers without carbs because her boyfriend complained that she gained five pounds. Rather than TELL him she was working on her food choices, she ate hers “without carbs because I wanted to make sure that it was clear” that she AGREED with him that her five-pound weight gain was not ok. And even if she did tell him, that’s still not ok. She is making food choices because of a man’s disapproval, after a normal, insignificant weight fluctuation, and that’s disordered.
Worry about yourself
I put up with a lot of stupid crap in relationships when I was younger, and I didn’t realize how bad it all was until I’d been with my current guy for a year or so. Only when I found someone awesome did I realize I didn’t need to waste time with the losers, and man, I wish I knew then what I know now. It doesn’t help that my first boyfriend was kind of a creep, and my second boyfriend was great until he cheated and became emotionally abusive, so I think those two kinda screwed up my expectations of men.
Hindsight is 20/20, and all I can tell younger women now is, if he doesn’t spark joy, toss him!
hi hi hi
Ghost him, girl.
Telco Lady JD
A few absolutes to consider:
1. You deserve love and kindness regardless of how much you weigh now, or how much weight you have gained over a period of time. This is not negotiable.
2. Gaining weight is not a sin. Losing weight is not a moral victory.
3. An intimate relationship should be a safe place. If you are constantly worried about what/how much you are eating for fear of judgment from your person…that person is not your person.
4. Your mere presence is a FUCKING gift. Please remember that when choosing who to spend time with.
NOLA
YES to all four!
anon
I missed the original thread from last week so am completely unfamiliar with this story. Here’s my question, though. Am I the only one who would be disappointed if my boyfriend gained 20 pounds? Because, honestly, I would be. I am not saying it would be a deal breaker but I still would not like it for many reasons.
Anonymous
This is not an appropriate place for this question. It is not OK to be all, “WeLL mAyBe he hAs a pOinT thO” on a thread where OP is clearly struggling; whether you intended it that way or not, that’s how it comes off.
hi hi hi
It’s happened. Didn’t care.
Telco Lady JD
Here too. My husband and I have both been up and down. Due entirely to too many treats and too many hours working/not enough movement. Life is long and has seasons. We love each other. That’s the beginning and end of the story.
Senior Attorney
Yup. My hubby has lost and gained that amount during the course of our relationship and swear to God I don’t see the difference.
Anon
The BF alleges OP gained 5 pounds, not 20.
But to answer your question, no I wouldn’t be (haven’t been) disappointed or even notice. My husband weighed 165 when we met, he weighs 195 now. It’s mostly muscle. He doesn’t look quite as “skinny” as he did when we met, his body looks more filled out and thicker overall but it’s not like he has a giant belly hanging over his belt or anything, and I still find him very attractive. I could tell you he’s gained weight, but would never have known it was 30 pounds if he hadn’t volunteered exact numbers. I probably would have guessed 10 based on the change in his appearance. Weight gain is a normal part of aging for most people, it’s not reasonable to expect a partner will not gain anything over the course of a lifetime (even excluding temporary gains due to things like pregnancy).
potato
I think the issue here is that the boyfriend is making her ‘imperfections’ the focus of the relationship. If she had gained 20 lbs I could see having one discussion with her about it, and then let it go. Instead, she gained 5 lb and he appears to constantly berate her about it. As commentators above has said, partner’s are supposed to support our efforts at self-improvement, not nag us like a micromanaging boss.
Worry about yourself
I’m definitely going to agree that this isn’t appropriate time or place to bring that up. If my boyfriend gained 5-7 lbs, which the OP gained, I probably wouldn’t notice or care. If he started eating a lot of junk food, drinking more, and not exercising, and gained a significant amount of weight because of it, I can’t say I’d be “disappointed” but I would probably be worried that he might be struggling with depression, and urge him to seek help for that. I certainly wouldn’t handle it the way OP’s crappy boyfriend is handling it, he’s being a jerk.
ironic
It’s ironic how so many women would NEVER consider dating or marrying a man who is 20 or 30 pounds overweight, but if a man makes objects to his partners’ weight gain, he’s Evil and Must Be Dumped.
And I’m a progressive feminist, I swear, but sometimes it would behoove us to see nuance.
Anon
…did we read different threads? I did not see anyone saying they would “NEVER consider dating or marrying a man who is 20 or 30 pounds overweight”. Also, OP’s boyfriend started acting like a total jerk because she allegedly gained 5-7 pounds, which is a pretty normal amount of weight fluctuation.
Anon
LOL sure
anon
Agree that this isn’t the appropriate place to bring this up. But, no, I would not be disappointed if my husband gained 20 lbs. He was 175-180 lbs and 19 years old when we met. We’ve been together over 15 years, and his weight has ranged from 165 to 240, and it has never mattered to me. I have never, ever suggested to him that he do anything to lose weight. Sometimes, we decide together to make healthier choices because we want to live past retirement AND f*ing enjoy it together. When I’ve dieted in the past, my husband was exactly as supportive as he’s been when I set a goal to read 50 books in a year or any other personal goal. He’s dieting now, and I try to suggest recipes and restaurants that allow him to stick to his goals, but I don’t comment on or question any of his decisions.
Anon
I missed the original too, but I’ll be the voice of dissent and say yeah it would bother me also. Maybe not for appearance reasons, but concern over health.
Anonymous
There is no world in which a 5 lb weight gain affects someone’s health.
Nope
What you missed in the original thread is very important. The OP stated that she had gained five pounds. She stated that her boyfriend had stopped being intimate with her, without mentioning weight gain. She asked him about it– basically “I’ve been feeling bad about my body, I’ve gained five pounds, is that why you won’t touch me?” And she said her boyfriend seemed “relieved” and said “oh, yes, that is definitely why I’m not attracted to you anymore.” So, this is nothing like the suggested equivalent scenario in which someone’s boyfriend gains 20 pounds… not the same.
Anon
oh gotcha. So basically she felt insecure, and he accepted her excuse instead of telling her she was wrong.
There’s probably other reasons he is not attracted to her that he doesn’t want to tell- not saying they have ANYTHING at all to do with OP, but sounds like a problem with him and he took the easy route of capitalizing on her insecurity.
Anon
Omg run!!! He is not someone you should be around at all! He is so toxic.
Anon
Hi, I was you five years ago. I will join the chorus of people here that the BF is controlling and abusive. And worse, is refusing to own up to how it makes you feel, and placing the blame on you. He does not respect you as an individual, he just wants a trophy. He does not deserve you. And whatever discontent he has with you is not a YOU issue, but a HIM issue. He will find fault with something else even if you starve yourself.
But I also understand that the chorus of “you deserve better” may not sink in for you. It didn’t for me because as a kid and young adult I had never believed that I was worthy or enough as I am, and everyone telling me otherwise rang false. It was inconsistent with what I believed of myself. It took a year of therapy and reading a lot of Gottman and Mark Manson and other self help books over the years to get to a medium place where I have some self-respect. It is hard. And it’s even harder to demand and accept respect from others when you don’t feel deserving of respect. I’ve tried to undermine the respect afforded by my partners in the past, because it made me so uncomfortable and I didn’t feel worthy of it. I constantly felt the need to compensate and prove myself.
So even if all the chorus does not resonate with you, perhaps consider this as a neutral statement: the most basic and important factor in a relationship is not sexual attraction, looks, goals, religion, or love. It is respect. Everything else can change, even though you might feel that love or feelings or whatever might last forever. Life is long. There will be days when you don’t love your partner. Feelings will be hurt. Life will happen. And the only thing that can save you and your partner is an unerring respect you have between each other. There are no exceptions or excuses that can be made for a fundamental lack of respect in a relationship. This BF is not respecting you. He is not holding you in high esteem. He is not doing his best with what he’s got to make you happy. He is not your partner. He does not have your back. He is judging your choices and encroaching on your independence.
Work Uniform
I want to institute a work “uniform” to simplify things. I’ve been searching for long sleeve black silk shirts, preferably without a collar – any suggestions from the hive? I’ve heard good things about Equipment. Thanks!
Ribena
Try Uniqlo. I have something similar to your description from there from a couple of years ago. They excel at high quality basics.
Anon
I’ve recently seen some at cuyana and possibly everlane. I have a short sleeved black silk top from Cuyana and I love it.
ATL rette
Everlane? Vince? I’m wearing an everlane one I bought on Poshmark today and I am surprised by how nice it is. I also have a Vince one that’s really nice but more spendy.
Kl
I’ll have a few hours free time on the upper east side this afternoon- what are your favorite things to do/see or shop and eat in the neighborhood? Im in town for the week from the chicago suburbs, and I usually stay in Chelsea or downtown, so I’m excited to explore this part of manhattan.
Z
Get some fancy and expensive macarons from Lauduree. Our tradition when my sister and I go to the city.
The original Scarlett
I always find the closest Maman coffee shop/bakery – their design is lovely, bring me all the blue and white china, please.
Anon
If you like window shopping at fancy boutiques and designers, walk up and down Madison Ave on the UES!
Anon
Flora Bar at the Met Breuer!
NYCer
This is a great rec! I know the weather isn’t amazing today, but I would also pop into Central Park for a walk.
Ellen
Yummy food there! And if you walk over to First Avenue and 75th, you can eat Pastrami or Corn Beef at “the 2nd Avenue Deli!” Go Figure! Only in NYC!
Anon
Any recommendations for therapist/counselor in Chicago? Especially interested in women who do CBT. Thank you!
K
Elena Vassallo Crossman at Integrative Psychotherapy Associates has been a godsend for me.
Anon
I really like Dr. Alix Sherman in the Loop.
Z
Echoing the dress cover up question above.
Going to a black tie wedding in a coupe weeks. I have a floor length sleeveless black dress with fine beading. I’m always cold at these things – looking for recs on a cover up or shawl that will help me not be cold but still look put together.
Anon
The same one recommended for the other post.
Z
It looks very… winter. I think it would be out of place for a September wedding, even for black tie.
Anon
Agree. I hate the faux fur monstrosity.
I like Nordstrom tissue weight cashmere or pashmina stoles. They usually have them in lots of pretty colors.
Z
Thank you! I’ll look into those.
Anon
Has anyone tried to wash a nylon tote before? My Tumi tote is really gross and kind of smells. Many spills have happened in that bag. I love it and don’t want to pay the $$ to replace it, so I wonder what would happen if it I put it in the washing machine on delicate.
Anonymous
Bathtub and hand wash it.
Clementine
I wash all the things and they turn out surprisingly well.
If you’re nervous about the washer (straps maybe?) I would suggest using a sink or bathtub filled with lukewarm water. For smells and spills, I would actually use dish soap (blue Dawn is the standby); however, you could also use a bit of laundry soap or the gentlest option is OxyClean. Lay flat to dry.
As a note, this is how they wash antique quilts. Bathtub, laying flat, pressing up and down rather than twisting to provide agitation, and using something like OxyClean.
Ribena
This is how I wash my handknits too – though generally with delicates detergent. I’ve heard good things about Beyond Clean too – a podcaster I listen to uses it on white and other pale hand knit sweaters she has made her kids and they end up good as new every time.
Worry about yourself
I do not recommend OxyClean for hand washing, unless you wear gloves! It’s great for stains, and also for stubborn odors, but it’s really bad for your skin. I normally use Soak for hand-washing, or Woolite for really dirty stuff.
Anon
I use just normal shampoo (without silicone) and it seems to work great on most things including silks.
Anon
I’ve taken nylon totes to the dry cleaner and they come back looking like new. I’ve never tried to wash them at home, though.
Anon
I never even thought of the dry cleaner – great idea.
Cb
I operate a survival of the fittest policy and throw everything in the washing machine. I figure I’m not using it anyways, might as well give it a go.
Anon
This made me laugh. I totally take the same approach to the washer and dishwasher, and now have a name for it
Waffles
Also stealing your ‘survival of the fittest’ phrase when it comes to laundry and dishes. Love it!
Telco Lady JD
I. Love. This.
Completely agree. Now that I’m not in private practice…if it can’t go in the washing machine, I don’t want it. Same goes for the dishwasher.
Velma
No problem. Lay flat or hang to dry.
Poppies
I have thrown my tumi nylon tote in the washing machine – probably gentle/cold – and it came out great.
DC Monday
Thinking about spending a few days in Santa Fe this fall. Have you been? Suggestions on what to do? Is there enough to do to justify a few days there?
Anonymous
Yes def! It’s fabulous. Go to Ten Thousand Waves and Bandelier for sure. I loved La Fonda but lots of the downtown hotels looked great. Rent a car driving is easy there.
Anonymous
Yes! Santa Fe is beautiful in the fall. If you like art, there are local galleries you can check out, also consider a visit to Loretto Chapel and the Cathedral if you like architecture. Meow Wolf is an experience too! Eat some traditional New Mexican Food at Tia Sophia’s or Tomacitas. If you like hiking, fall is a great time to hike Tent Rocks. It is an easy drive south from Santa Fe. If you want more northern NM culture, consider a day trip to Chimayo and visit the Santuario for some Holy dirt and eat at Rancho de Chimayo.
Elbe
Hike Tent Rocks between Albuquerque and Santa Fe. If it is a weekend, the best tamales can be bought in the parking lot at the Santa Domingo Pueblo gas station on I-25 which is near Tent Rock. Meow Wolf is fun. Authentic New Mexico (their green Chile is hotter than their red) food at Four Horseman next to a gas station on south Cerillos. The hills behind the city are also great for hiking. Always bring water when you hike and sunscreen is a must.
In-House in Houston
Definitely do it. Santa Fe is amazing. Even with no plans just spending your time in the plaza would be so worth it. There’s a great restaurant called Tomasita’s just off downtown. Hubs and I eat there at least twice when we go. The weather will be glorious in the fall.
anon
Yes – as others have said, do Ten Thousand Waves. We stayed at the Rosewood Inn of the Anasazi for a few days and loved it so much. Right off the main square but a smallish hotel with a really lovely breakfast and cozy rooms.
Anon
Meow Wolf — art installation
Anon
My experience was different than most of the posters. I am more of a city person than a hiking type person.
Things I loved:
Chile rellenos with Christmas sauce
Walking around the shops on the square
The Georgia O’Keefe museum
The drive to Taos
Things I didn’t love:
Meow Wolf
The indifferent service at most restaurants
Staying at the La Fonda
I would definitely go back and see more of the museums and art galleries, buy more silver jewelry, and eat more Chile rellenos
Undershirts
Have any of you ladies tried Numi undershirts (or any other undershirts to prevent sweat stains)? I’d love to hear any feedback if so. I am constantly sweating through my shirts and self conscious about it!
Anon
I don’t have experience with Numi but for those who like undershirt halfshirts, I’ve found this budget alternative.
https://www.downeastbasics.com/products/demi-tee-2?variant=17208893046830¤cy=USD&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI69vC6uPV5AIVeyCtBh1ZaQKoEAQYAyABEgKGyPD_BwE
Agora
I have one (whatever their basic undershirt is in nude) and I like it! It shows under a lot of my silky blouses but doesn’t show under things like sweaters and button downs so I wear it under those a lot. I definitely find it helps the sweat stains and makes me feel much more confident wearing those items.
Jeffiner
I have a Thompson Tee, because Numi is constantly sold out in my size. The Thompson shirt feels and fits like a cotton t-shirt, I prefer undershirts more like the Halogen ones. The seams are thick, so you can see them under lightweight shirts. Its low cut in the front, but high in the back. However, it does do a great job in preventing sweat stains.
Anonymous
I’m using a new moisturizer – Olay regenerist with SPF – and I usually wear light powder foundation (a quick brush, nothing heavy) during the day. It’s flaking off – almost rolling. Am I wearing too much moisturizer? Do I need to let it dry/sink in longer? Do I need to use a liquid foundation or BB cream with something like this?
Anonome
IME anything with “-cones” (silicone, dimethicone, etc) will pill when you start layering products. I need to layer, so I’ve switched to all -cone-free products.
Anon
You need a new moisturizer, or use a moisturizer separate from your sunblock. I’ve never experienced pilling with face products and mix and match all the time. I think it’s pretty obvious that the moisturizer is the culprit – especially since a powder usually sits on top of other face products and doesn’t kind of “mix in” like a liquid foundation would.
I would try to let the moisturizer sink dry completely first then powder. If that doesn’t work, get a new moisturizer.
I need coffee
Are you using a serum before the moisturizer or a primer? If both are silicone heavy that will produce the lifting. I have used olay before and didn’t have that issue, so I am thinking it’s either a product combo factor or let it sink in a bit more. I normally switch to my eyes after moisturizer before foundation to give it time to settle.
Anonymous
What are your favorite sneakers, flats, or booties for lots of walking? I’m going to New York City and Philadelphia in a couple of weeks for my honeymoon and will be walking much more than I usually do.
Cb
It depends on your foot shape and arches but I can walk 10+ miles in my converse.
anon
I wore my new balance classics 575 all around Vegas and they are super comfortable. Definitely more a sporty looking shoe though so depends what look you are going for. I wore them with skinny jeans.
The original Scarlett
Not sure why my comment got deleted, but Allbirds are my go-to for all day walking, the wool runners
Parfait
Same. I evangelize for them whenever this topic comes up. Now that they make flats, I may never wear any other kind of shoe.
Cat
Totally depends on your foot shape; for me, New Balances with a heel insert are perfect for heavy walking. For lighter walks, Cole Haan Grandpros are feather-light but not as supportive.
In House Lobbyist
Love my Allbirds. I have four pairs now.
Anon
I like my Hoka runners for this. They are crazy looking enough (big platform) that they don’t look like running shoes and are the most supportive shoes ever.
Anon CPA
Anything in the Cole Haan zero grand family.
CKB
I took two pairs of sketchers to Paris last month where I averaged 25k steps per day and they were great. One pair was a grey fashion sneaker (looked similar to Keds – not athletic at all) and the other pair was the ballet style of their Go Walk line. I thi k it really helped my feet to alternate between the two each day. And I wore sandals when we went out for dinner each night.
Worry about yourself
I have a question about fabric care. I got a skirt and love the fit and aesthetic, but it’s wrinkled, and I’d like it to not be wrinkled when I wear it out, but the tag says “do not iron.” It’s 100% polyester, my iron has a “synthetic” setting that I think would be okay (I did read you should dampen polyester before ironing it, I would do that). I’m generally hesitant to go against the care instructions on something I haven’t even worn yet, but nothing else has worked. I hung it up for a day or so, I hung it in the bathroom while I took a shower hoping the steam would release it, I washed it (hand washed and hung to dry, in accordance with the tag) and some wrinkles came out but others persisted. I could try steaming it with the iron, but if it doesn’t work, is it safe to iron the thing as long as I dampen it and use the right setting?
Ribena
I’d also use a cloth between the iron and the shirt, and test first on somewhere relatively invisible (upper inner arm maybe)
Anonymous
I would use a steamer.
Anon
Have you tried an actual steamer with the skirt hanging up?
anon
Try hanging it in your shower and let the steam work it that way.
anon
Do you have a garment steamer? It doesn’t make clothes crisp like an iron, but it gets wrinkles out.
Worry about yourself
I actually don’t . . . I have an iron with a steam function, but I know that’s probably not the same thing.
The original Scarlett
A steamer is game changing – I loathe ironing but steaming is easy and a giant improvement. I’ve got a standup one, but you can get handhelds for about $30
Don't melt your skirt
Have you ever ironed polyester against the fabric’s directions? It can melt and leave a goopy mess on your iron and a hole in your fabric. I’d test before ironing! Put a towel between the fabric and the iron and do a few quick swipes with the iron.
Alternative to an iron: dampen the skirt and (1) lay it flat to dry while using your hands to press out the wrinkles or (2) use a drying rack and the skirt’s weight will pull out the wrinkles or (3) hang it up from the waistband, but put clothespins on the bottom of the skirt to weigh it down and pull out the wrinkles.
Worry about yourself
That’s what I was afraid of, hence asking here instead of just going for it. That third option is an interesting idea I hadn’t thought of, I might try that!
MagicUnicorn
Does your iron have a setting lower in temp than the “synthetics” one? If so, start with that and use a thin, smooth cotton cloth between the iron and the skirt. Something like a cotton bedsheet or a smooth towel (not terrycloth). Polyester can take a higher temperature than synthetics like nylon or acrylic, but it is safest to start with the iron cooler.
Worry about yourself
I wish I knew which setting was the coolest one, it may be spelled out in the manual but I have no idea where that is, maybe a Google search is in order when I get home tonight. Maybe silk is lower in temp?
Anon
On my iron, velvet is the coolest temperature (then synth, then silk).
Denim is the hottest, then linen and cotton.
I second being wary, and definitely use a cotton cloth in between. I ruined my previous iron by ironing an acetate ribbon that melted into the iron and the little steam holes… The garment wasn’t ruined, since I luckily had started at the end of the ribbon.
Anon
+1 I have an indelible memory of one of my roommates spending two days sewing an occasion dress and then melting a hole in it when trying to press the seam allowances open.
Anon
So, this is probably not the best approach. But whenever I have something that needs to be ironed, which is something I refuse to do, I have it dry cleaned.
Worry about yourself
I honestly might just do this, and hope to God I only need to do it once.
Anonymous
What are your favorite sneakers, flats, or booties for lots of walking? I’m going to New York City and Philadelphia for my oneymoon in a couple of weeks and will be walking much more than I usually do.
The original Scarlett
Allbirds
Anon
Disagree, I don’t like my Allbirds for more than a few miles of walking unless I want severe arch pain. Check out New Balance sneakers or something from Nike (I see those everywhere).
Anon
The most comfortable sneakers I’ve ever worn are Skechers.
Anonymous
I’ll dissent – I love the style of Skechers, but if you have high arches, their lasts (the bottom of the shoe?) may not work for you. They fail and cause my arches to fall – two pairs, same issue. If only they weren’t so cute. . .
Beaglelover
FitFlop sneakers, awesome for city walking. Machine washable too.
Anon
I have Adidas courtset sneakers – I think they’re cute and they’re very comfortable for walking, I’ve done 10+ miles/day in them.
anon
I feel like this is the time to NOT go the super fashionable route with boots or even trendy sneakers. I’ve made that mistake before and regretted it. So much pain, and really limited what I could do during the remainder of the trip. Get something from a company that makes actual athletic shoes — Nike, Adidas, New Balance are all good. There are lots of options that are cute and supportive.
Oregon Social Worker
New Balance
I love the Fuelcore Nergize
So comfy and quite stylish!
anne-on
PSA for anyone else who suffered through the arctic blast in the North last year. After suffering through one too many outdoor hockey/skating practices I finally gave in and ordered a Soia & Kyo puffer. It came today and that thing is SO WARM I was practically sweating in it in my living room. Look, its a down coat so it isn’t SUPER stylish, but I also think this threads the needle between ‘wearing a down comforter’ and ‘I’m freezing but its fashion!!’. Fwiw, the salesladies at Saks also swore that Mackage and Soia & Kyo are warmer than the Canada Goose ones.
https://www.soiakyo.com/us/en/camelia-slim-fit-brushed-down-coat-with-leather-trims/CAMELIA-N.html?dwvar_CAMELIA-N_color=COL120&cgid=women-bestsellers#start=1&cgid=women-bestsellers
Anon
Oh that’s beautiful
Anon
Love the style! Does the hood stay up in the wind? My parka with a fur-lined hood often catches the wind like a parasail or hot-air balloon and doesn’t stay on my head. Drives me nuts and I’m considering just buying a new one.
anne-on
Haven’t tested it out yet (we’re now having a weirdly humid and warm snap) but there is a nice button/toggle closure right under my chin to fasten the hood to so I imagine it should stay up. Reviews on the website were also VERY positive for warmth/wind resistance. I got the grey and it’s a true mid-grey – dark enough to not show every little bit of crud/dirty water splash back.
Anonymous
I have a very similar one to that, just slightly longer, and it is SO warm. The toggle closure is very secure and it’s way warmer than my J.Crew puffer or canada goose.
Anonymous
Hoping you ladies can help — I’m pretty much a city person, yet for the last year or 2 I’ve had it on my mind that I’d like to go somewhere for a day to see fall leaves. Didn’t get to it last year — too late in my planning so I’m trying to get on it earlier this year as we’re still several weeks from the peak. I’ve decided I want to go to New England, as I think they get the most stunning colors — where I am in the southeast is mostly yellow/brown, not the reds/oranges etc.
Problem is logistics. I’m not super comfortable driving esp alone and esp in empty areas/mountain roads etc. So question is — is there anyplace one can fly in in New England and the colors are good right there without having to drive at all or drive 20-40 min max? I know some of the articles on this list Boston is being a good spot (Boston Commons, Public Garden etc.) but is it really — or is it kind of like NYC which sees some color in Central Park but nothing stunning)? Flying into Boston would be optimal for me and I suppose I could grab a rental car if there was someplace outside the city worth checking out. But is there another New England airport that’s better to fly into for this activity where it may be easier to drive around? I can’t even figure out what the “major” airports are in Vt. or NH. Is Portland Maine an option or is it too close to the ocean for a true fall? Thoughts?
Anon
I love Portland, Maine but fall isn’t that different there than in Boston or NYC. You need to get out into the country where there are way more trees if you want a true fall foliage experience. There should be good places within a 30-60 minute drive of Portland though and I don’t think that’s true of Boston because it’s so urban and developed.
New Englander
Boston is excellent for color if you hit the right weeks (and certain commuter trains would get you out of the city, like the lines running to Salem and Rockport/Gloucester). Also, check out Amtrak. Boston to either NYC or Albany would be lovely, and there’s a line running from NYC to Montreal that runs right alongside the Adirondacks and Lake Placid (you could also do Boston to Albany and then switch to a Montreal-bound train). Alternate airports to explore are Albany (for the Adirondacks) or Burlington, VT. The Adirondacks are incredible in fall (and with much less tourist traffic) and if you’re not comfortable with the mountain driving you can stick to the Lake George area. Just remember that for any of these places, hitting the right week(s) is important. There are tons of predictive maps (Google-able) that are getting pretty accurate since we are already starting the season.
New Englander
Another thought. LL Bean, REI, and Ridj-it (Meetup: Boston Outdoor Activities) all run hikes and other outdoor activities. That would be a good way to get out of Boston/Portland with a group.
Clementine
Alternate suggestion: fly to either NYC or Albany, NY and then take Amtrak. On either the ‘Ethan Allen Express’ (through VT) or the train to Montreal (you can stop at any point and turn around or go all the way to montreal which is really fun and easy!) you’re going to see OMG GORGEOUS colors.
Check to see when ‘peak’ color is anticipated, but for both of these places Columbus Day weekend will be very nice.
editrix
Burlington, Vt. — fun college town, beautiful leaves, nice hiking and biking around the lake, delicious beer, easy to fly to and Uber around.
Worry about yourself
I’d recommend flying into Boston, walking the Esplanade to check out the city foliage, and then taking the commuter rail up to Salem or Ipswich for a day trip. Salem will have the Halloween stuff out by early October, but it won’t be a crazy tourist zoo until later in the month.
KS IT Chick
My husband has accepted a new job in a small city about 80 miles away by highway that he can commute to for a while, but we’ve agreed that we need to move. I’m looking for a job there and interviewed last week for something that would be a pretty good fit for me. My boss knows and is extremely supportive of me.
My anxiety is sky high. I know that this is the best thing for him and for us, but I’m not at all sure that this is the best thing for me. I enjoy the mix of work I do, and the new position would be full-time working on what is currently only a small part of what I do. I’m comfortable in the role I have, and while I genuinely like the idea of new challenges, I also like having something familiar to fall back to as a cushion.
He’s full of excitement and plans, and I’m freaking out. There is so much to do with getting a house ready to sell, and there is so much involved in setting up new lives in the new city. The thought of finding a new doctor, dentist or hair stylist is almost overwhelming.
Anonymous
Compartmentalize. You need to focus now on finding a job. Then on moving. And only once you’ve don’t that on finding new routines and people.
Anon
Is there any reason you can’t stay at your current job and move halfway – so 40 mile commute for each of you and your husband? Depending on traffic, that’s a 30-40 minute commute at highway speeds. That way you don’t have to find all new dentist, doctor, etc. if you have appointments that you can leave to from work.
Anon
+1. In addition, can one or both of you look into working remotely part-time? If you can work from home two days a week or more, it makes it a lot easier to do a longer commute every other day.
Anon
+2
Anon
+3. Came here to say this.
My husband and I work 90 miles away from each other.
Anonome
If it’s workable, I would try this option first. (In my case, I commute 25 miles and it takes an hour, so OP may be in a similar boat.)
Junie
Yikes, I’ll be the voice of dissent and say do NOT do this if you don’t have to. Your quality of life will be astronomically higher if you both have a less-than-15 minute commute versus BOTH having a 40-minute commute. In most areas, that’s over an hour each way in rush hour. Just because lots of people do it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.
Anon
+1 to this! I commuted 47 miles one way (about an hour) for 6 years and just recently moved 11 miles away (18 minutes). The RELIEF I feel to be rid of that commute is huge. Honestly, I feel like I have a new lease on life. I think it’s better for my marriage too because before, I sort of had my own life in my working city and he had his own life in his working city. Now I feel we’re able to share more things and do more things together. Avoid the commute!!
Anon
Did you talk through any of this before he decided to accept the job? What were your thoughts then? It’s hard to tell how much of this is legitimate and how much is anxiety talking, but you’ll likely want to explore the statement that it’s the best thing for him but not necessarily for you. Based on what you’ve written, it seems like you are sacrificing an awful lot for him to do his best thing. What are the two of you planning to help offset that? What is the plan to keep you from resentment? You deserve to be a happy person too, make sure you’ve thought through a concrete way to get you back to happy at some point.
Anon
I really don’t think 80 miles is far enough to justify leaving your job.
Anon
office chair recs? i asked last week but didn’t get many responses. budget is $350 max
good luck
I got a used Herman Miller Aeron chair (in an odd color) for my home office for ~$310 2 years ago. Don’t know your location but in Chicago, and presumably other cities, there is a big store with used office furniture. Chicago’s is Office Furniture Center.
Jan (aching for comfortable chair!)
Anyone know where used Herman Miller chairs and/or other high end used office chairs are sold in Minneapolis, Minnesota? And any tips for what to look for and watch out for on first time purchase of high end office chair? Thanks very much!
Also rec., for good quality noise cancelling head phones at moderate price. $100. ish would be nice.
Anonymous
Could someone suggest a fun instant pot meal for dinner (especially one for protein already frozen).
Just want to do something different today and would love an idea.
cat socks
Check out Pinch of Yum. There was recently a post about freezer meals for the Instant Pot and I believe with most of them you don’t have to thaw the meat.
C2
+1 https://pinchofyum.com/freezer-meals
They just added 4 new recipes I have yet to try, but I love the original 12. Not a bad one in the bunch, detox lentil soup, sweet potato peanut stew and beef stew are my favorites.
Anon
Creamy Chicken Spaghetti from Cooking with Karli. You can use frozen chicken but then it’s better with a thicker noodle like linguini. I tend to pile in the veggies and cut back the noodles a bit to make it more veggie-heavy than carb-heavy but it is really good no matter how you tweak it.
Anon
The blog Two Sleevers has a bunch of Indian food recipes that I love. I will often do one of the chicken ones and throw in the chicken frozen and adjust the cooking time accordingly.
Anonymous
I use that one too and it is awesome
so much anxiety
Thank you to all those who sent kind words and thoughts on Friday! Those kind thoughts were super helpful.
While it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, he was super kind and loving about the whole thing and we talked it out for a bit and I decided to stay and be around instead of going to my sister’s. He’s still shaken about it, and some of the problematic habits came through on Saturday, but I’m calling him out on them while trying to let him process. I’ve made future appointments with the counselor I saw last week and have a great support network so while I know the logistics remain to be solved, it feels like the hardest part (realizing what I want, and letting him know) is behind me.
I have a work trip this week, but perhaps we can try for a wine club next week? pinkplumerias012 at the g mail.
Anon
Good for you!! Thanks for updating!
Ducky
I’m glad to hear it went well. Thanks for updating us and good luck on this journey!
Anonymous
Glad to hear this was the result. I do have a question, though. If you have told him that you two are through, is it really fair/necessary for you to now be “calling him out” on “problematic habits”? I mean, those are not going to be your problem now, and he by himself and the next woman he’s with may not find them problematic at all.
Anon
As long as she’s still interacting with him, I think it’s fair to call him out on habits that affect her.
NOLA
Good for you! I still talk to my ex, although there are lines drawn and he knows that I am dating and have moved on. I constantly have to remind him not to romanticize how things were between us. He messed up a lot and can’t make that all go away because he regrets it. Good luck with whatever comes next!
Anonymous
Omg whyyyyyyyyy. Haven’t we discussed this multiple times with you?!? He is apparently constantly romanticizing things. Cut. It. Off. Move on. Figure out life without the ego boost.
Anon
Lol, a little harsh but right on the money.
NOLA
I’m a grown woman and I’m pretty sure I can handle my own life, but thanks. I don’t really need anyone to tell me what to do. The lines are drawn pretty clearly and I am happily dating.
Senior Attorney
Good for you! Better days are coming!
Thinking of this weekend's poster
Thinking of this weekend’s poster who was ending her marriage Friday night. Hope you are doing ok!
Anon
Coincidentally it’s the post right above yours!
Office Phone
Do you answer your office phone if you don’t recognize the number and it’s not a local number? I don’t. But last week I sent one of our vendors an email, never got a response so followed up this morning. They said “oh tried calling you.” I see now they did now that I know their number but for above reasons I didn’t answer and they didn’t leave a voicemail. Am I out of touch with office norms? I’m just so sick of telemarketers and even worse, prospective vendors who I do want to work with in the future, just not right now..
Clementine
Um, my desk phone doesn’t ‘report’ missed calls to me like a cellphone. If you don’t leave a voicemail or send me an email, I won’t realize I’ve missed a ‘real’ call.
MagicUnicorn
This is exactly what voice mail is for. If you did not have a call scheduled, why would the vendor not just leave a message? I am away from my desk a significant portion of my day, so any calls going to my office phone are likely to go unanswered. If they don’t leave a message, I assume it wasn’t important.
Anon
Always. But telemarketers aren’t a problem in my office (my personal cell phone is another story…) I don’t know how IT does it, since our direct numbers are on the website, but we very rarely get calls.
Cat
I know the area code and first three digits of common external callers so will pick those up (e.g., it’s someone new from a firm I use, or from a company we’re doing a deal with, sure). But otherwise, no, I don’t answer unknown-number calls (even from a local number) that I’m not expecting. If the person on the other end is a legitimate caller, they can either leave a vm or send me a follow-up note to let me know they tried to get me.
Caveat, I am in house so there is not an expectation that a new caller could mean new business.
Anonymous
I always answer. I’m client facing and they (and their admins) call from all sorts of numbers.
Anon
I don’t answer either, unless I’m expecting a call. That was a ridiculous response from the vendor. Unless someone leaves a voicemail or follows up by email, you just have no way to know that someone tried to call.
CountC
I do what you do. I rarely get phone calls on my desk phone because internally we use Skype. If I do not know the number or are not expecting a call, I let it go to VM. My calls with customers are almost always scheduled, so this approach has worked for me just fine.
Anonome
No. I don’t work with customers and have no authority to hire vendors, so any call I don’t recognize is either a mistake or a sales pitch I can’t do anything with.
Anonymous
I always answer in part because I hate calling people back haha. I would rather just deal with whatever it is when the person calls. I also have no problem hanging up on telemarketers. I just say I’m not interested and hang up. I don’t get a ton of those types of calls on my work line though. Almost every call is someone I would have to call back anyway, so I just take the call then.
Junie
I answer every call that comes in while I’m at my desk. I kind of figure, that’s why I’m there. If it’s junk, I can get off quickly (I don’t mind being rude). But I don’t get that many calls — maybe two or three a day.
Senior Attorney
Same here. Also I hate, hate, hate voicemail and I’d rather deal with the call in real time than deal with the voicemail.
Anon
Yes, always, but that’s because it could be a client or a colleague calling from a cell phone. I get wrong numbers and sales calls from time to time but I have no problem getting off the phone asap.
anon
I don’t automatically screen numbers I don’t recognize, but I don’t answer every single call either. If my boss or a big client calls, I’ll answer even if I’m in the middle of something. If I don’t recognize the number, or it’s somebody who I know can/will wait, I let it go to voicemail. Also, I’m not in my office for about 1/4 – 1/3 of each day, so even important people have to leave voicemails sometimes (although my boss will call my cell or have his secretary track me down).
anon
My skin really freaks out during any seasonal transition, but summer to fall and winter to spring are the worst. It’s red, angry, itchy. I have some rosacea to start with, and the weather is a huge, unavoidable trigger for skin issues. If you have sensitive combo skin, I’d love to know how you deal with this. A green primer is making me presentable right now, but oof da, it is only hiding the real issue.
Worry about yourself
I feel you, I have way more pimples than usual these days, although I suspect my impending period may be to blame as well. I’m a fan of tea tree oil (the diluted solution from the Body Shop, you can get it at Ulta if that’s easier) for sensitive skin, and then just use Cetaphil or Simple face wash and moisturizer.
Anon
I’m having this too, although my skin is red, angry, tight, and dry. I’m using the Dr. Jart+ Cicapair Tiger Grass Color Correcting Treatment in place of my usual light foundation and have found it to be reasonably calming while correcting the redness.
Anon
I would stop all treatments until you get the angry and itchy under control. Like, a super gentle cleanser only once per day, and then a rich moisturizer that doesn’t bother you. Do you have such a moisturizer? I really mean something like a cream. No retinoids, no exfoliant, nothing that is supposed to be anti aging (other than sunscreen) until your immediate reaction is under control.
Anon
I really like the Drunk Elephant polypeptide cream as a moisturizer. I have rosacea as well, and that is one of the good ones for me. I have sensitive skin, but not dry (combination with dehydration). I have also had some really nice Korean moisturizers. I think most of the successful creams for me has a high glycerin content.
I use a cleansing balm (no foams, gels, “washes” etc) to clean off make-up. I use non-SLS for shampoo, soap and toothpaste.
I avoid candles and strong cleaning agents (no sprays) that can add to air pollution in my home. I use a sheet mask to cool my skin if I’m taking a bath. No scented laundry products.