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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
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- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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How to handle financial success?
I am starting a new job next week. It is a good fit culturally (I have previously worked with my new boss and several of my new colleagues), a great career move, and comes with a very large raise (45%). I want to handle this new income responsibly, but as a generally frugal person my gut reaction is almost fear of so much money. Other than maxing out my retirement contributions, what do you all suggest I do with it?
AFT
Search for the reddit personal finance Prime Directive – not sure if this and/or a link will get caught in mod! It’s a great flowchart that works for a lot of people and prioritizes what to do with your money step by step.
Anon
That flow chart is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Anon
I did this last year! Here’s what I did:
1) I went through my budget with my partner and we adjusted expenses that we couldn’t control (we were moving, so some things like rent and travel costs to visit family went up)
2) We discussed lifestyle changes we’d like to make (eating out, more social activities, an apartment with in-unit laundry, an annual vacation). This was key because preemptively deciding where we wanted our lifestyle to creep and by how much meant we got to enjoy the added income without spending more than we wanted.
3) We figured out how much we would be saving and made concrete savings goals to ward off the temptation to use extra money that was sitting around. We increased our emergency savings to match our new living expenses and started saving for a house (something we couldn’t afford on our previous salaries).
4) We covered some one-time purchases to celebrate (a couch, some new hobby items, a celebratory dinner out)
anonshmanon
+1000 all of this. OP, if you are naturally frugal, maybe you won’t have to work as much resisting temptation, which is excellent for you. If as a consequence, you will be saving a good amount each month, figure out investing that money, if you haven’t already. If you feel like the current state of the world is really distracting you from living your life, now might also be the time to see if your budget allows you to be a regular supporter of a cause (social, environmental, political) that you care about. Organizations need dependable support, so even just $10/month, that they can count on, make a big difference. It helps me feel that I’m doing my part to effect the change I want to see.
OP
Thanks to all of you for this advice! I appreciate this group and its willingness to share ideas.
Small Law Partner
If you are frugal, you may just not spend it. Also, are you into FIRE at all? Since we paid off our student loans, my husband and I save/put towards our mortgage about 90% of our take home and it is fabulous to think about how I’ll be retired before I am 55. Our only big spend is on travel.
Ellen
If you’re married, buy a house and get tax deductions. Dad has me looking all over mid-town for another condo b/c he wants to live part time here, rather than staying out on LI. He will keep the house there b/c of tax reasons (large capitol gains that he does not want to pay), and tells me that cash is not good to hold on to given the low rate environoment. He has Rosa looking for another house in Chapaqua, to bad not for me but for her, with 6 BR and a maids apartment. I want to live in Chapaqua, but can’t stomach the commute from there into NYC every day, so if I do get married, it will be sayonara to my job. All the more reason to find a guy to impregnate me NOW while I am still fertile! YAY!!
Anon
How do you deal with a well-meaning but manipulative mother? I am visiting her for a week and already the same pattern is happening again. She will misplace/forget something small, like a salt shaker, then she will scream at me repeatedly out of irritation, say it was me who misplaced it, and then connect it to some larger failure in my work life/personal life. In the most recent episode, her misplacing the salt shaker on her bedroom side table was apparently something I did, because she could not possibly do something she did not remember. And by her logic, if I could make such glaring mistakes, no wonder I failed to make partner in biglaw and was still single. I tried asking her to stop yelling at first, but made the mistake of yelling back at her when she accused me of being a failure at work. But then she immediately tried to guilt trip me and said I was yelling at her and need to stop. I am unfortunately stuck with her for the rest of this week and have another trip with her that I cannot cancel. This seems to happen every time I vacation with her, and only gets worse as she ages (now I wonder if this is an early sign of dementia and mentioned it to her, but she only yelled at me some more and accused me of blaming her for my own misdoing). What do I do from now?
Anonymous
Even before you mentionned it, early onset dementia that was my first thought. Especially if this is out of character for her (e.g. she’s not a narcissist who cannot accept that she ever makes mistakes). People get aggressive when they cannot remember what is happening around them. Read up on early onset dementia and see what resources you can find. So sorry you are dealing with this. Her lack of emotional regulation is concerning. Don’t be too hard on yourself for your reaction. It’s really hard not to yell back when someone yells at you.
Anonymous
Yes. Is this behavior new(ish) or has she always been like this? If she’s always been miserable, then employ the tactics below.
Otherwise, take a different tact and start looking for other signs of memory issues. Unpaid/late bills, overdrafts, spoiled food around but she doesn’t notice (there’s a difference between having old stuff on the back of your fridge and, like, your main items all expired but there for use). If she has a checkbook check the register-I know most people don’t anymore.
If she has friends and you are suspicious, you may want to phone them and just start a conversation. I assume your dad doesn’t live with her but if someone else does, or you have a sibling that sees her more often, ask them as well.
Anonymous
I agree with this. It sounds medical, and she’s lashing out because it’s confusing and embarrassing to her.
Anonymous
Go home.
Go for it
I’m sorry this is happening to you. A dear friend has your mother too. What she did after the final time was get a hotel… with the kids & the spouse even though they were cash strapped. Really cash strapped.
Here’s the summary: your moms behavior is verbally abusive, you get to forgive yourself for meeting her where she is, and you get to leave. Plus you get to cancel or modify the the trip in a way that protects yourself emotionally. In my mind the sunk cost of the trip is the price of peace and money well spent. I give you permission to take good care of yourself. Kindly, consider some time with a therapist regarding setting boundaries that feel genuine to you.
anon
This was a good reminder for me,,..”you get to forgive yourself for meeting her where she is”….because you tried, but you can’t predict her behavior. Mine doesn’t do the aggressive verbal abuse, but does do the passive manipulation and then icy glare and cold shoulder when it doesn’t work. Don’t blame yourself for her behavior.
Anon
“That is not an appropriate reaction.”
Also, lots of therapy to help you establish boundaries.
Anon
Don’t stay with her and limit trips to a weekend.
Anon
I’m missing the well-meaning part, because you mother just sounds verbally abusive. You need to remove yourself from the situation when this happens. Do you have any friends or family in the area that you could go visit? Or get a rental car so you can leave for a coffee shop? There is nothing you can say to your mother that is going to fix her or stop her yelling; it’s not anything you did that causes this to happen.
And I would really reconsider staying with her in the future. I understand that you may not want to cut her out. But the money spent on a hotel room would be worth it to preserve your mental health.
anon
+1 to all of this.
Anonymous
+1 – She does not sound well meaning at all, she sounds horrible. “Mom, it is not okay to talk to me that way. I’m going to go out for a while while you cool down.” Even if you did misplace the salt shaker, it is completely unacceptable to yell at you for that. Or really for anything! Maybe it would be helpful to think of how you would act if a colleague talked to you this way – someone you have to maintain a relationship with but don’t really owe anything. If she does have dementia, that’s sad and difficult, but you still need to protect yourself as you care for her.
Sal
+ 2. Get out of the house (errands? shopping? coffee shop?), make up some urgent calls you have to take in your room or outside for the evenings and definitely stay in a hotel with your own transportation next time.
Anonymous
Your mom is my sister. I’m so sorry. I agree with the above poster re hotel. And with my sister I’ve just had a text only relationship with her lately. I like getting updates re her kids but even phone calls are dicey.
My armchair diagnosis of my sister is something like borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, but That is just me guessing. Most people don’t treat others like this, much less their closest kin. I’m so sorry.
Anon
My husband’s father is like this. I think it’s narcissism. If it were my parent, I don’t think I’d have much/any contact, but my husband cares about maintaining a relationship with his father. We keep visits fairly short and stay in a hotel when we visit, and when my in-laws visit us, my husband is the “point person” for managing his father and removing him from the situation if he starts getting really unpleasant (my MIL is lovely except for her enabling of my FIL). We have a child now, so going forward I’m going to have to be more proactive about removing my child when he yells, even if his anger is not directed towards her.
+1
If it’s not health related, I agree with the narcissim. My mother and I have a very similar relationship, except we are not originally American and our culture–parental respect, being polite, etc. play a huge part in how I handle this. We often see them outside of the U.S., so we have to stay with them (i.e. there are no hotels or anywhere else we can reasonably go). I care about having a (limited) relationship with my mother. I realize it’s not for everyone, but as bad as she can be, she did a whole lot of good for me and setting me up to succeed, so I want to be there for her (from a distance) and take care of her needs as she ages.
I have done a lot of therapy to cope with how my mother treats me. I generally ignore her slights and it helps that my SO always travels to visit, so I vent with SO. I tell myself it’s only for a few days a year and get through it. Therapy, I guess, is my suggestion. It is really empowering when you realize that it’s not about you and that’s just how they are. If you feel unsafe or it is mentally unhealthy for you, don’t put yourself in that situation. But sometimes it’s okay to draw the boundaries and still interact with them, even if some posters prefer to cut the toxicity out of their lives.
Anon for this
My mother is the same way, and it took years of therapy to realize that how she treats me is not okay. Distance and boundaries are key. In this case, since you’re in her immediate orbit for the week, when she starts in on you, walk away. I know it can be hard, but walk away, go somewhere else; you don’t need to stand there and be hurt.
In the future, I hope you’re able to limit contact, like call only once a week and don’t engage if you don’t have to. Take care of yourself and hopefully this week goes by quickly.
Anon
If this is something you’ve been dealing with your whole life, then this is abusive and something I would take to a therapist about. But if this is newish (like started in the last 5-10 years and getting worse)…this sounds exactly like my grandmother with Alzheimer’s. She was the sweetest woman but started having times where she blamed everyone else for problems in the cruelest way possible. I don’t say this to upset you, but it got worse and worse over the years until she was angry and abusive basically 100% of the time, and her passing was a relief. Please get her doctor to check her memory – at least you’ll have a better understanding of how to deal with this if it is dementia or Alzheimer’s.
Anonymous
This is awful. You are a successful adult who can define the boundaries of all of your relationships. No trip cannot be cancelled. You do not have to put up with this. You can love her from afar without subjecting yourself to abuse. i fully understand that you likely feel obligated to the relationship through love, caring etc… But that does not mean you have to be an emotional pinata for your mother’s insecurities. This is very difficult, but you are competent to make smart choices about all of your relationships and how you let other people treat you, including family.
Anonymous
She isn’t well meaning. She’s a nasty spiteful woman who enjoys hurting you. Call an Uber and go to a hotel and cancel your trip. You can do it.
Chicago Anon
Gah, bless your heart, this totally sucks. I fully understand this, as this describes my mother’s behavior, during a prior period of her life, too. The truth is, you can’t control your mom’s behavior. She is an adult, and she can choose to act however she wants, no matter how crazy! What YOU have control over is how you will respond, and how you choose to think about this situation. This is where boundaries come in. Maybe one boundary you want to set is around the yelling. You could say, “If you continue yelling at me, I will leave the house.” Then, if she yells, you actually do leave the house. You are not controlling her behavior, she can continue to yell if she wants to, but you are simply choosing your own behavior in response. I remember having thoughts like “my mother doesn’t love me” or “maybe she’s right, maybe I am a failure.” Don’t buy into any of that kind of thinking. Know that you are 100% loveable and worthy just as you are, just by virtue of being a human walking around on the planet, despite what your mom may say to you. Understand that her behavior is being driven by the thoughts and feelings that are going on inside HER, which you can’t control. Just tell yourself “I am 100% loveable and worthy, no matter what, and I am going to stay calm.” I feel for you – this is such a difficult situation. I opted to keep my distance from my mom during the period she was like this, and there were plenty of times I left the house when she started in! Good luck to you.
Anonymous
I’m dealing with the same thing. My mother’s verbal abuse is the same. I have to periodically cut her off and/or tell her the behavior is unacceptable. It has taken about four years for her to actually listen to me when I tell her. Most recently she hung up and slammed the phone down. I called back and left a VM telling her that when she was ready to behave in a normal manner, I would be able to talk with her. It somewhat worked. If this has been happening for years, it will take a long time to undo. But repeated consequences to the abusing/hurtful behavior may make her notice. You’ll just have to be prepared for her attempt to punish and refuse to be sorry. I also agree with other people on here—some of these behaviors can be signs of dementia, so if they are new, that’s different.
intensity of work expectations
I was surprised by a couple comments on yesterday afternoon’s Canadian Thanksgiving thread commenting that new lawyers’ expectations of commitment to work seem to be different now, implying that there was less willingness to work long hours and be available. Do most people here agree with that? Among everyone I speak with, including many folks a generation older than me in my social and work lives, it’s fairly widely accepted that work demands are a LOT more intense now than a generation previous. Growing up the workaholic parents worked until 8 PM, now all my friends and I are working at 8 PM and often until 10-11 or later daily. None of us are lawyers, but a mix of consulting, investing, tech, engineering, etc. Every the few who do go home for dinner have an expectation to “sign back on” every single night. My parents and their friends would only very rarely work in the evenings, even though they were in the similar set of career paths. I was really surprised by those comments and was curious if my social circle is in a total bubble or if other people see this too.
Anon
Yeah I’m an old millennial (34) but I think the rhetoric that young millennials and Gen Z are lazy is just BS. Boomers may have worked long hours, but they didn’t come up through the ranks when technology enabled near 24/7 availability and prevented employees from ever going “off the grid.” My dad was a lawyer, he worked hard, but he took vacations and nobody disturbed him on the vacations. It was a totally different world.
Anon
+1
anon
Yeah, there’s actually pretty clear evidence that the “greedy professions” (law, consulting, investment banking) have gotten greedier with time. I think the shift started late 1990s/early 2000s, as email became portable. So the folks who partners with 20 years of practice came up in this model; the ones with 30 years were already partners when this became the model.
I’ve been successful in this model (am a partner) but I think it has to change. This isn’t livable and we’re already losing candidates who aren’t interested in putting up with it – I’m on our hiring committee and we see that students from top schools are increasingly uninterested in biglaw jobs (especially women). In fact, application numbers to law school have generally been down for a while, and our candidate pool is less impressive than it used to be, even at T5 schools.
I’m trying to make change on my end but I do have to say that it’s disheartening to see that my former colleagues who went in-house for the lifestyle are super, super likely to call with impossible and unreasonable deadlines, often very obviously because they or their business partners didn’t manage their time well and now they need to get bailed out by having an associate work through the night (btw, when you’ve been practicing as long as I have, you can tell the difference). Clients, you’re part of this too.
Anon
You’re not an old millennial. The oldest millennials are 39 or 40.
Anon
Well, old-er. The most common definition of millennial I’ve seen is birth years 1981-1996. I was born in 1984, so definitely in the older part of the group.
Anonymous
A lot of jobs are 9-5. I feel that many “professional jobs” Big4, BigLaw, etc., you give up your calendar freedom for $$$. Those aren’t always “just out of school, going to do this for 2-4 years for $ and resume line and experience and connections” jobs, but I think it helps to look at them that way (or look at them like being in the NFL — you have to give it 150% all the time,, but it’s not forever). And be able to exit with some $ saved up and on your terms.
Not every job is like that. So if you know what you want, do that. Just don’t do one thing and work it like it’s the other. That’s not fair to your co-workers. And your reputation will ultimately reflect that.
Busybee
Most of my extended family members are blue collar/teachers/nurses. The idea that someone would work long hours and always be available is bizarre and sad to them. I think the culture of constant availability is unique to UMC white collar professionals. The line between work and personal time is not as blurred in other fields.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
Right — the expectation for teachers and blue collar workers are different. And the pay is partially a reflection of that. A lot of health care is binary — when you are on, you are ON; when you are off, you are OFF. But my spouse travels, my kids get sick, and a need a flexible job where I can work from home a lot (or at night) and a lot of lower paying jobs don’t work like that. There isn’t a unicorn.
But if you told your teacher relatives that you could make bank by trading in all of your free time (or working the equivalent of two FT jobs), they might be game for a year or two. But they’d probably also get the irritation of co-workers who cash the check but leave you at the office late doing the work while they are out having fun.
Anonymous
Teachers definitely work long hours and at this point the expectation for my spouse (teacher) is that he is doing email at night. Much more so than me, in a law adjacent fast paced professional job.
LaurenB
Yes, this idea of working long hours is anathema, which is why, when my children were in elementary school, each year I had to listen to a school librarian explain how she needed help restocking the bookshelves. Apparently the idea of using your lunch break to restock them, or staying late, or coming in early, or coming in over a Saturday morning and getting it done, was nothing that ever crossed these women’s minds because they had that mindset. Funny how if my doctor’s office gets behind in filing the records, they don’t ask their patients to volunteer to file them. The “just do it” mentality is SO not there among the school librarian set of women, IMO. (Rant over)
Former school librarian
Former school librarian here. I’m not sure why a librarian would need to “restock” the shelves, so maybe this was a misunderstanding, or maybe she was that lazy, but when I had to do an annual inventory of our whole collection (15,000+ books and also all of our tech items), then run reports, send out late/lost item notices to all of our students and staff, it would easily take a week over summer break to run. It also isn’t work that’s always easily fragmented into short periods (so wouldn’t work for your lunch example), nor is it easily done during the school year when there’s a lot of in/out and student teaching and supervision being done.
LaurenB
“Most of my extended family members are blue collar/teachers/nurses. The idea that someone would work long hours and always be available is bizarre and sad to them. I think the culture of constant availability is unique to UMC white collar professionals. The line between work and personal time is not as blurred in other fields.”
While I generally agree, there is a subset of blue collar professionals who own their own service businesses who have that 24/7 mentality. They are the ones who get stuff done and please their clients.
Anonymous
I don’t think expectations have changed that much. My Dad was a lawyer in a mid-sized Canadian city, so hardly biglaw, and he still worked on Sunday mornings (7am-12pm), worked 8:30-6pm during the week, and went back to the office or brought stuff home a number of evenings. He tried to be involved but I can remember him dropping me off at basketball practice on a Saturday and then heading to the office for a couple hours while I had practice. i remember a couple family vacations where he had documents faxed to the hotel for review (pre-cell phones/email). During his time at the firm, most of the lawyers either had SAHW or their wives worked part-time or had a flexible schedule.
Anonymous
I agree that there is less willingness to work long hours and be available, but (as demonstrated by yesterday’s thread) the expectations haven’t adapted to that reality yet. So people are still working crazy hours and being available, but the difference is that it’s no longer just taken as “that’s the way it is” – the hours are worked begrudgingly, and people are trying to find ways around the onerous availability expectations.
DCR
I think that there might be a different expectation among those just entering the workforce as compared to those who are 8-13 years out of school. But I’m inclined to think this has significantly less to do with some generational gap, and is more a factor of the fact that those who are 8-13 years old (i.e., senior associates and junior partners in biglaw) entered the workforce at a time when many people who traditionally would have had their pick of multiple offers struggled to get a job/never got the big job they expected and because we saw so many people let go for no reason. In other words, we truly understood when we were junior that we were easily replaceable. The current group of people graduating doesn’t have those fears or that experience base.
I think it is significantly harder to compare to our parents’ generation. I don’t recall my parents or friends’ parents working much past 6 growing up, but that could be for so many factors: (1) I grew up in a Midwest city, not a big coastal city, (2) neither my parents or friends’ parents had Big jobs, (3) by the time I really remember, I was at least 10 years old so my parents were older and more established. It’s not like I’m seeing a lot of BigLaw partners at my firm missing dinner with their high school kids, absent work travel, and (4) communication and technology is just so different than it was in the 90s.
Anonymous
Huge +1 to your first paragraph. I’m a 2010 grad and I look at the junior associates like – who do you think you are? I would never have done that! BUT I truly want the culture of unrelenting availability to change, so it’s definitely been a growing experience for me.
pugsnbourbon
+1. 2009 grad (with a damn anthropology degree). I recently saw an article that encouraged job seekers to ask potential employers about benefits like “student loan repayment” and I had a visceral reaction to it. The whole attitude of cutthroat competition/groveling for a job, any job was drilled into us so hard that it’s shocking when folks ask to be treated like, you know, human beings.
Anonymous
As a counterpoint, I had a parent work for a large company that did a lot of government contracting. As a young child, parent was home for dinner, but worked from a dedicated home office into the night each night. In my teens, parent worked at work into the night more and more, had a 5-day a week transfer for a year (so in a hotel 5 nights and home on the weekends) that was 2 hours away, and had several month-long detailings. In the 80s.
People have much more student loan debt these days, so I think that they take unsustainable jobs that they perhaps aren’t suited for just to pay down debt. Their heart is never really in it and perhaps they really chafe at the handcuffs that debt imposes and how it interferes with the rest of their life planning. But it seems that the kicking and screaming about expectations must breed a lot of resentment with coworkers who are keeping up their end of the bargain that these jobs entail.
Anon for this
Also the increase in life costs. In the UK I can’t afford anywhere near the life my dad could with the same level job the same amount of time out of education. To get close to it I’ve moved a few hundred miles away. That has to breed resentment.
Anonymous
+1 to your second paragraph. The first two sentences describe my exact experience in law so far and why I’m still in it (I’m 29). And the final sentence is the source of a lot of anxiety. I definitely don’t “kick and scream” openly, but in my head I have been kicking and screaming the whole time I have been working, and wondering if my coworkers notice and hate me.
Anonymous
We have a tension between people who expect 24/7 remote availability via technology vs. people who are used to having their butt in the seat 9-7 and all day Saturday – no exceptions ever – and also had SAHWs. Our generation has the worst of both worlds. We’re expected to have our butt in the seat for long hours, we get side eye for “working from home” to handle things like – a pipe burst in my house and I have to be here for the plumber and no my SAHS can’t do it because I don’t have one of those. But we’re also expected to be constantly available remotely. I think we’ll see more of a shift to allowing remote accessibility and not expecting face time, but a lot of firms/practice groups/partners aren’t there yet.
anon
Can’t speak to law, but in a lot of fields, the job market has skewed away from permanent employment and reasonable benefits with unclear paths for advancement. Academic jobs in particular are way more of a pyramid scheme than 20 years ago, keeping your head down and hustling now just means you get to buy a lottery ticket.
Anon
My first year associate class at my boutique but big law style firm was 7 attorneys – within four years, 6 of us left, and of those 6, we all went to places with better hours and I think almost all less pay (two in house, two to smaller firms in other markets that worked with smaller businesses, and two to firms that had more regular hours – one of which may ended up equalizing out in pay). I was one of the ones who left to a smaller firm and it’s been the best decision I could have made because I didn’t care about the work I was doing at my old firm enough to make the money or the hours worth it.
Conversely, everyone that left the class below me went to places with similar or more hours and more money (local firms or biglaw firms with offices in our city).
Anon
I went on a rafting trip this year and one of the other men there was on his first “off the grid” vacation in his life (from his high-level job in finance for a top 4 tech company). While everyone found the trip valuable for a lot of reasons, I would be willing to bet that he found it most valuable of all. Being unplugged is so, so restorative and essential to health. Tempted to move to Germany where the right to undisturbed time is enshrined in law.
Never too many shoes...
I will gently push back on the idea that it is restorative for everyone. I am a litigator and while I enjoy vacation time, I like to have wifi to lazily check my email by the pool with a drink in my hand and farm out anything where trouble seems to be brewing from the comfort of my cabana. Off grid would make me feel so uncomfortable that I would not be able to relax, plus a vacation where I would be totally off he grid sounds horrible to me (I like luxury hotels and room service, not more rustic vacations). But I also love my job and would never leave private practice, which I recognize makes me an anomaly in this group.
Anon
My rafting buddy was the same as you (we had a very similar conversation as what you just typed). He was singing a different tune by the end of nine days.
anon
Yeah, I mean, the thing I note about these responses is that people don’t want to be off the grid because of everything they’ll come back to. In a functional system of work, you *wouldn’t* come back to that because your colleagues would have covered your workload while you were out. The problem is that we don’t have that now in at least US biglaw (I’ve noted that on deals I’ve done with European counsel, people went on 2 week vacations and you actually took them off of email strings while they were gone because someone else stepped in during the absence).
Anon
I commented below and my personal email would be at least as unwieldy as my work email if it’s ignored for two weeks. Email is my primary mode of communication with a lot of people in my life, and I’d also worry I’d miss something important if I went even one week without checking it. I just like being in the know about what’s going on, both in my personal life and work. I realize that some (many?) people feel differently, but off the grid vacations are not enjoyable for me because of the stress of not knowing what’s going on, and it has nothing to do with my employer being unreasonable or my colleagues not appropriately covering my workload.
anon
I’m a biglaw partner and recently took my first unplugged vacation since I started practicing 11 years ago. It was only 3 days, but my god – it was amazing and actually solidified my sense that this job just isn’t worth it. Even now that I’ve gotten to the top.
Anon
I’m not as passionate about my job as Never too many shoes is, nor is my job as demanding as the private practice of law, but I agree about not enjoying being off-the-grid. I do not want to do actual work on vacation, but I hate coming home to thousands of emails (both work and personal) and staying in a hotel with wi-fi so I can check/delete email every morning and night is important to me personally (I work 9-5 for the govt and my employer doesn’t expect me to check email on vacation). DH and I are both pretty frugal but will spring for wi-fi (at additional cost) when we do something like a cruise where it’s not included for free. That’s not to say I would never go off the grid to do something bucket list-worthy like Antarctica, but I would be doing it because it’s the only way to visit that destination, not because I want to be off the grid.
Formerly Lilly
Also government attorney with normal work hours of 8:30 to 4:30. We are expected to be available while out of work for vacation or sick leave for questions or to provide information in the event of a problem arising, but are otherwise not expected to stay connected. I have inadvertently trained people I deal with, including opposing counsel, to use text as my primary contact, email as secondary contact, and a phone call only in rare circumstances. This means I get a fair bit of text and email contact on vacation or even in a hospital bed. But I prefer to stay current on emails or contacts and even do a little work while on vacation rather than coming back to a huge backlog. I don’t enjoy the last days of my vacation as much if I don’t stay at least minimally caught up. And yes, I’ve done the 11 days completely out of touch vacation and that aspect of it just stressed me.
anon
Fellow gov’t attorney here with some similarities/differences. We are not expected to be available on vacations/sick days (in fact, the only person who has my cell phone # is my direct supervisor), and since we have no work phone given to us, I don’t check email remotely anymore. I’ve been at my current job six months and have yet to work a single day outside of 9-5 M-F, and don’t expect that to change. Of course, on the flip side, my salary is woeful, so I’m not sure this is a good fit for me.
Yup
Also gov’t attorney here. I (barely) work 40 hours and pretty much never on weekends or evenings unless I have a big argument coming up. Very little stress, challenging and prestigious work, six figure salary (but half of what I made in Big Law, of course). Life is good.
Anon
In my experience (tech) people want to feel busy and needed and have somewhat misguided expectations. For example, someone I work with only took half of his paternity leave because he thought he was sooo busy, when in reality nobody cared. One of my peers (a man) just came back from taking six months off for his paternity leave (the paid leave is 4 weeks). Some people just like working for the sake of it. If you don’t want to do it you don’t have to – I work 40 hours a week and have been very successful. I bet some of those people checking email at 10pm are doing it for ego reasons.
Anon
I agree with this completely.
Anon
I am an engineer and work in a big tech company. The norm is when people take vacation, they are on vacation. We will do everything possible in our hands to cover them fully and not contact them. Week long backpacking trips/multi-week overseas family visits without internet connectivity is a norm. No one bats an eye. This is for all pay grades (from a college graduate to Vice Presidents who manage billion dollar businesses). If a very senior manager/engineer is going on extended vacation, then it is an opportunity for some one junior to cover him and gain experience. I have seen people who check emails all the time even on vacation in my company as well and I think it is because of their own urge to do so and not because it was expected of them.
Small Law Partner
I think there is a generational shift, but it is also such a personal thing. I am a younger Gen Xer (42) and left BigLaw due to what I felt were unrealistic work expectations and an unpleasant work environment. I am now in a small law firm filled with former BigLaw people who left for similar reasons. I work about 8-6 M-F. I have time to work out/swim, make dinner, and hang out with my husband after work. I am also not expected to be on email at night/on weekends. But our opposing counsel is always BigLaw due to the nature of our practice, so I am constantly reminded of what it used to be like for me and what it is like for others. Crazy in my view. And also, no, I will not have a meet and confer at 7:30am or 9pm.
Furniture stores
I’m planning to spend the weekend looking for a new living room couch, and could use some recommendations for where to look. I like modern furniture, like Design within Reach (but that’s too expensive) and Apt2B (but I want to see it in store before ordering). Budget is under $1,500 for a couch, and hopefully closer to $1,000.
Any recommendations for stores to check out? FWIW, I’m in the DC area.
Anon
Same question here as this is also my weekend plan in DC/Va though my tastes are more traditional/classic/transitional — and I’m looking for a media table, coffee tables. What are good furniture places in this area?
Anon
I like the look and price of west elm, but this site has alerted me to the horrors of their delivery timeline and customer service…
Anon
Warehouse Showrooms in Alexandria (not Old Town – by 395). They carry Rowe and other good brands. Everything is special ordered, but you’ll get the best price going there (Belfort and Hamilton also carry Rowe, but are fancier stores so you pay more $$). You can see Rowe’s various models online, but if you want to see things in person it’s best to call around to the various stores to see if they have your favored model on the shop floor. But buy at Warehouse Showrooms.
Beth
+1 We got a Rowe couch from there and have been happy. You can also try out Rowe couches at Urban Essentials on 14th Street
Also check out the Crate & Barrel Outlet in Alexandria. They get in a lot of CB2 stuff which would fit your aesthetic.
Anonymous
Room and Board
Anon
+1 – depending on what size couch you want (their bigger ones may be out of budget).
Daffodil
+1. There’s a great showroom on 14th street. We bought all our dining room and living room furniture from here, largely because you can customize wood, fabric, etc.
Telco Lady JD
We got a large, fairly modern sectional at Belfort. I have no idea what brand (and am not particularly design oriented). We like it, it’s good furniture. It was expensive, though. I’m pretty sure we could have gotten something similar elsewhere for less….but we were in a hurry. (We’d just moved into our house and were hosting Christmas last year….so we needed to get something ordered so that it would arrive in time.)
Pompom
Try Room and Board (showroom on…14th?). Might need to play around with fabrics and limit your options to the less expensive ones, but they are solid and beautiful. Got a Goodwin 80″ in a custom fabric (cheaper than the stocked options, oddly) for about 1500 all in. It’s definitely NOT the sofa for everyone (firm, no flippable cushions, etc.), but go have a sit.
kk
Definitely room and board!
Anon
CB2 has some stuff in that price range. Room and Board is nice but I think that’s out of your budget.
Anonymous
What do you wear as outerwear when it’s in the 50s? This seems to stump me every year. Today (NYC) I’m wearing a cashmere sweater, leather jacket and wool scarf and I’m still cold. But the next level up is a wool coat and that seems unseasonable. I can’t believe I’ve made it to my mid-30s and still don’t have a solution for this annual dilemma. Help?!
NY CPA
I’ve been wearing a trench coat this week. It’s knee length so that helps with the wind, and while its not bulky, the fabric feels substantial. The one I bought (from the brand London Fog–got it at Nordstrom Rack) also comes with a removable liner so when it gets a bit chillier, I’ll probably still stick with it. I only need to pull out my wool coat when it really drops into the 30s or below (the LLBean site calls it “warmer” and suggests it for +25 to -25 deg).
Anon
+1 I have a friend that used her London Fog as her only winter coat for a while. (We live in the SEUS, so 50s is our normal winter temperature.)
Anonymous
Extra layer underneath or add a hat and gloves.
Anonymous
You seem to run cold – I’m in NYC and was fine this morning in a cotton sweater and uninsulated raincoat, even with wet hair. Personally I would totally just wear the wool coat if that is what you need; I do not believe in suffering for fashion. That said, I have a thin Eddie Bauer quilted field jacket that I wear in fall/spring. Basically, a wind-blocking–that is key for warmth for me–water-resistant coat that is lightly insulated. It is hip-length and washable, with thinsulate for warmth.
ElisaR
outside of NYC and I broke out my Barbour jacket today! And a scarf…. the scarf is usually necessary
NY CPA
I was also thinking of suggesting a Barbour coat, but sometimes I find it to warm in the 50s. It really shines when its in the 40s!
OP
Which one do you have that’s that warm? Might be perfect for me!
NY CPA
I have the Bedale. It’s listed at Orvis as men’s but it’s unisex. There’s also a zip-in extra liner available.
Anonymous
Not OP but also freezing. That jacket looks awesome but holy cow it is expensive, especially once you add the lining and the hood. Gulp.
NY CPA
Yeah it’s a huge investment, but I’ve had mine since 2008 and it’s still going plenty strong. The thing about Barbours is they tend to look “better” as they age and get broken in. And they can be easily repaired–patches just add to the English-country-farmer-in-the-big-city look!
ElisaR
agree. i got my barbor in 1999. i’m old. i still wear it every fall. cost per wear is lowwwww
anon
My dad’s had his Barbour since the ’80s! You can send them back to have them rewaxed.
Velma
You’re wearing exactly what I wore this morning in upstate NY. This is leather weather (basically only Oct./Nov. and Apr. for me–sadly). I also have a trenchcoat and casual ultralite puffer that work well this time of year. I’m not wearing scarves, gloves, and hats yet; I’ll add those later as it cools off. It’s a tough time of year–quite cool in the morning (40s), but sunny and mid-60s by afternoon.
Anonymous
I’d wear a trench
Anonymous
I have this same problem. I joke that I am coldest when the weather is in the 50s/60s. I wear a wool-lined trench coat (it has the exterior of a cotton trench, and everything but the arms is lined with a thin layer of wool) and gloves, and sometimes a lightweight scarf. It looks like a regular trench coat, but is significantly warmer because of the wool lining.
Anon
Ooh i’ve been on the hunt for something like this. Can you share where yours is from?
OP
Where is it from or what brand is it? I would love something like this but London Fog is too big on me and Burberry is very far out of my price range.
Anonymous
It’s from a generic brand – it was a gift and it came from TJ Maxx. I can’t find the brand online and I am going to need a replacement soon. I have been considering the Eddie Bauer girl-on-the-go coat, which has a snap in lining, but I really want something with the trench style.
anon
I’d probably add a puffer vest for warmth.
OP
This is a great idea! Thanks.
Coach Laura
This article might be helpful. I’ve got one of these and wear it beneath my Eddie Bauer girl on the go raincoat (not the insulated one). http://nymag.com/strategist/article/uniqlo-ultra-light-down-compact-jacket-review.html
Anonymous
This. I’m a convert to the thin puffer under a coat for the ‘in between seasons’ kind of weather. Tons of thin packable vests available these days and you can stuff it in your bag if it warms up and you don’t need it.
editrix
Check out the Everlane Mac Coat.
Anonanonanon
FWIW I also run cold and I consider my wool coats my fall coats, and then move into down-filled for true winter. Lately, I’m wearing a grey wool trench-style coat from banana republic in the early mornings when it’s cold. And I’m in DC so “true winter” is not as intense as NYC. I’ve given up trying to wear the kind of coat I’m “supposed” to wear. I find it much harder for my body to regulate whe it’s in the 40s and 50s than when it’s colder, and I think half of it is because I don’t dress as I should.
Also, don’t underestimate the power of footwear. I got some Blondo suede waterproof heeled booties and they’re incredibly warm, it makes all the difference for being out and about over the weekend when it’s chilly. My weatherproof sorel ankle boots (I think it’s the ainsley chelsea boot) help too, in terms of weekends/commuting.
Anonymous
Talk to me about your emotions before you wedding — like in the days/wks leading up. Specifically, was there ANY part of you that was sad to be leaving behind “your” family? I don’t doubt who I’m with and there is no one else. Yet I’m sad that going forward it’ll never just be me, parents, grandparents, and sibling. Every decision from whether to visit for a weekend or whether to go on an extended family vacation or where the holidays will be spend will necessarily be one where I have to consider my husbands feelings and whether he wants to participate, more than say my parents. Thing is I’m not 22 — haven’t lived at home or even within 2 hrs of it since high school, I’m used to my own life — but still it was ME, not me and a spouse before family. Can’t discuss this IRL bc I don’t want people to think I’m doubting him (I’m not) + I’ve never heard any of my friends even hint that this is/was an issue for them. We’ve all married in our 30s — and many of my friends are the “why would I even tell my sister I’m going on vacation” or “why does anyone need to talk to their parents more than once/month max” types who are fiercely independent of their birth families and started viewing their boyfriends (now husband) as their priority pretty soon into dating.
Anon
Based on your post, it sounds like you’ve been dating this guy for a while – presumably you have made it through numerous holidays while balancing spending time with both families. Unless this has been a source of tension and there is an understanding that your approach will change, I can’t see what difference marriage makes.
Now having kids (if you plan on it) adds another wrinkle – but assuming you and your partner have shared values and respect for each other and the other’s family, you’l find a way through this.
Anon
Nope. I’m an only child and very close to my parents, but I was raised pretty much from birth with the understanding that once you get married, and especially once you have children, that’s your nuclear family. My parents were very clear that they prioritized each other and me over their parents and siblings and expected me to do the same once I got married. I do still sometimes vacation with them without my husband though – he isn’t big on travel and especially doesn’t enjoy traveling with my parents, so is fine with me going without him.
Anon
This is so fascinating to me! I’m south asian so the cultural expectations are so different. My paternal grandmother lived with us my whole life and my paternal uncle, aunt, and cousins lived like 45 minutes away so we saw them all the time. My mom would take long vacations to visit her parents back in India and would send my brother and me to her sister’s places for summer vacations so we could grow up knowing our more geographically distant aunts and cousins well. Our perspective of family was expansive and to my knowledge, they’ve never had to pick who they were prioritizing in any real sense (though obviously if we had like, a conflicting schedule, they would figure out what made the most sense as a group).
Anon
White girl from the South (USA) here and my family structure is much closer to this than the “nuclear family primacy” that so many people on this website espouse. Reading this site has made me so incredibly grateful that my husband and I were on the same page on this issue from the beginning and has led me to suggest to people that this is definitely something they should talk about before they get married.
I am not suggesting that one way or the other is “right” – just that people are very different in a way that I never thought about before I read some of the comments on this site.
And to the OP – being sad at times of transition is perfectly normal! But (assuming you and your soon-to-be-husband are on the same page) you might find that not as much changes as you expect. I still routinely do things/vacation with just my birth family and my husband (who has an annual camping/fishing trip with his brothers and dad that you could not PAY me to join in on) does not mind in the slightest. We both have our times when we do things together alone; together with one family or the other; or do with just our birth families. We are married – not surgically attached.
Abby
You are normal! I cried when my brothers got married (I was 17 and confused why I was sad because I love my SILs) because I knew everything would be different. I was excited for my wedding, but also cried when my dad gave me away because I’m their youngest. I love my husband and our new life together, but a big chapter of my life was closing and it’s emotional. If it helps, I am closer to my parents post-wedding than I was before.
Vicky Austin
Any time your life changes, you might feel this way. A sort of mourning your old life. I can’t say I felt this before my wedding, but I did feel it after. Suddenly the crummy apartments I lived in alone seemed like luxury pads in memory because they were mine and I didn’t have to share them with anyone. Some days I still feel this way (coming up on my first anniversary in a few days!), and some days I’m really glad there’s somebody to stick my cold feet on in bed.
Anonymous
I get it. I visit my sister when her DH goes on his annual hunting trip. It started as me helping her with her baby but we’ve sort of kept up the tradition. It’s really nice to get some girl time. It’s hard because her DH doesn’t really accommodate our family much so we don’t take joint vacations like we do with my DH’s siblings. When we vacation with DH’s brother’s family, I insist on DH and his brother going out for a boys night at least once. We live in different places so we don’t see each other regularly.
But even with that, I do miss it just being my parents, my sister and I. I don’t think we’ve had that combination very much if ever since we married. I think the main thing is to realize, that slowly your ‘main’ family evolves. As much as DH drives me crazy sometimes, I cannot imagine living with my parents or my sister, we have all forged such different ways of life for ourselves whether career wise, hobbies or the dinners we eat. I have more in common now with DH than my parents or sister. It’s a big change but I feel more like myself in my married life with DH than I ever did living with my parents and sister. Just because a big life change is something you are looking forward too, doesn’t mean you can’t also feel nostalgic about what once was.
Anon for this
I moved in with my husband when we got engaged (a year before our wedding). I had been living at home with my parents, who I have a great relationship with, while I was in law school, and I secretly cried hysterically the day I moved because I felt like I was “losing” my past life with my nuclear birth family. My relationship with my parents has evolved a lot since then, even though we ended up buying a house in the same neighborhood as my parents (I swear it was my husband’s idea). My parents have good boundaries though, so we only see them once a week. Honestly, it took about 2 years of marriage, a difficult time during which I leaned on my husband, and having a baby, before I really felt like my husband and child were more my family than my parents and sister.
nuqotw
This reaction sounds very normal. I felt like this right before spouse and I got married, and right before the births of our kids. (Marriage: I’m going to be part of a social unit and have to share everything. I hate sharing and love solitude…but I also love future spouse…okay, I love him more than solitude. Kid 1: but we have such a wonderful life together as a couple! a kid is going to be a sea change!; Kid 2: but we are such a cozy little family! What if Kid 1 doesn’t like Kid 2? What if Kid 2 doesn’t like Kid 1? two kids is going to be a sea change!) but it all seems to keep working out.
Samantha
I had the same feelings except I wasn’t worried if Kid 1 and Kid 2 liked each other, I felt like me, DH and kid 1 were a “love triangle” and how would anything else work and things would never be the same again.
I am not even that close with my parents and hadn’t lived with them (and we argued quite a bit) but still was apprehensive about the change that a wedding would bring.
Suburban
I felt this way when I got married at 30. Truthfully, there were some rough growing pains and it took 7 years, but my husband and I are both close with each other’s parents. My dad, the guy who mumbled under his breathe at my wedding ceremony that my husband wasn’t good enough, took him on an overseas golf trip this spring. And my husband asked last night if I could invite my parents and my brother to his birthday dinner next week, since his parents have yoga. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s totally possible for these relationships to deepen over time because of your marriage.
Anon
I get it. Although of course things will change, you can still choose to sometimes see your family without your husband. My husband joins me for some family events, but I do a lot without him as well — an evening out with my siblings, lunch with my parents, a weekend vacation with a sibling, etc. We also don’t spend the entire holidays together. I know it’s not for everyone, but wanted to provide the perspective of someone who is still very close to their birth family post-marriage.
Anonymous
Yes welcome to life. My moms dead. So now holidays arent the same ever again. Be grateful your change is for a happy reason you’ve chosen. It’s okay to be wistful but you can’t let that stop you living life.
Anon
Wow, you’re kind.
Anon
Well, my own family turned into a bunch of dysfunctional lunatics right around the time I got married, so it’s nice that I have a family for Christmas and holidays (i.e. his). That doesn’t help you.
I think there’s always some amount of pre-wedding and newlywed anxiety (“jitters” understates it). For me, it happened when I moved to be with my husband shortly before we got married – just completely melted down on the entire move and for a few weeks after. This also happened to a friend who moved for her then-boyfriend, now-husband. Marriage is a huge change, and it would be weird to not worry about something.
Anon
Yes, I definitely felt this way. And it took some time after we were married for me to feel like my husband and I are a family now. Early in our marriage, it had resulted in a few fights where my husband didn’t feel like a priority (like my mom knew my work travel plans, but my husband didn’t always know the details). Even now, it comes up where my husband will mention that he feels second priority to my sister/parents, but I’m more cognizant of this now and realize that I was indeed thinking of my parents/sister as family first.
Life has also evolved in the last 4-5 years with the birth of our two kids, so now I’m inclined to think of my family as husband plus kids and everyone else as extended family. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel nostalgia for the simpler times and miss my sister/parents (who all live far away from here).
Anon
Skip if you don’t want a gross medical question — does anyone feel gas trapped AFTER their period? I guess I feel bloated during it though then it also seems like I pass it and am generally uncomfortable so I hardly notice the exact source of discomfort. But lately I’ve noticed on day 4-5 onwards, I feel trapped air — and can even hear it at times. I’ll take gas x or the like but seems like it takes a few days/up to a wk to feel normal again. I’ll mention this to a dr next I see them but anyone notice this? Any reason for it beyond hormones shifting back to normal post cycle?
thehungryaccountant
A**hole cramps and gas pains and are a symptom of endometriosis. I’d definitely talk to a doctor about any kind of cyclical pain or discomfort you’re feeling.
anon
I have IBS and have this issue, especially with hearing it. Is it only an issue while you’re on your period? Mine gets worse then, but I definitely experience it at other times too (it gets so loud that once I was asked to leave a library…)
Ellen
Grandma Leyeh has IBS and she always tells me she is flatulent, and I know b/c I can hear that going on in her stomach. So if you are, take beano and it should help. And Stay away from any kind of $ex ual activity that involves your tuchus, for obvious reasons, Mom says.
Blazer or jacket
I have been looking all over the internet, but cannot figure it out. Which kinds of blazers or jackets do you wear with dresses (non-matching)? I have a strong preference for long-sleeved dresses that are tailored and hug my hour-glass figure (think Boden dresses in uni or muted colors). But no blazer seems to really go with it. Either the fabric is all wrong (looks too much like a suit, looks too outdoorsy) or the cut (too long, too boxy, you name it). I have been looking at little jackets (e.g. Chanel style), but since they are shorter (which is probably why they would work with the dresses), they hit me at a weird place, right were my hips become large. This then looks all wrong as well. Has anyone figured out a solution? Please help me and share your favorite blazers/jackets/structured cardigans. I prefer items that technically can be closed.
Anon
I don’t wear blazers with dresses like that. They’re meant to be worn alone imo.
ElisaR
yup
anne-on
I think you really need to try on the jacket WITH the dress to see what matches best. I find a streamlined jacket without lapels tends to work best with dresses – so a chanel style blazer (cropped ideally), the JCrew going out blazer, OR an intentionally funky style like a moto-style jacket (the Jcrew tweed one the other day) or a leather jacket.
Anon
Tweed or sweater jacket in the fall?
Anonymous
1. Talbots often has dresses and coordinating/matching jackets. Worth a look.
2. I get a lot of use out of my tweed moto jacket.
3. I get a lot of use out of giant blanket scarves or large scarves from beck sondergaard (I get on ebay; they don’t seem to be available in the US at retail) and any solid dress.
I like the idea of dress + jacket, but I often find that a sleeved dress is often too bulky to fit under many jackets even though I have really skinny arms :(
Cat
I think you should try blazers that are meant to be worn open, a la the JCrew Going Out Blazer. The proportions work better over a sheath dress than those of a traditional jacket that buttons.
Anon
Yes, this.
Anonymous
For me, collarless, short and not fitted to the waist.
Coach Laura
The MMLF shorter jardigan works well with dresses – not too short or too long. The Cleo jacket at Pendleton looks good with dresses if it hits you in the right place. I think what others said- try lots, no lapel or collarless and not meant to be a suit jacket.
F45
Anyone tried this in any of their gyms around the world? I’m getting back into exercise after a good 5 years and 50 pounds and trying to justify the cost to myself. Are their “challenges” or any other perks worth it or just advertising? TIA!
Anon
I haven’t tried it, but I pass one on my commute and can see their classes. It looks a lot like Orange Theory (which I also haven’t tried.) It seems motivating for the people who do it – sort of like mid-size-group training. If you are someone who is self-motivated to exercise, I don’t see that they add much value.
anne-on
There is a F45 vs. Orange Theory thread that periodically occurs on reddit, I’d go there to check out people’s thoughts.
Newt
I do it in DC (the Bethesda location) on ClassPass. I love it, and if there was one closer to my home or office I would absolutely consider a full membership.
I will say that if you’re not super comfortable with weight lifting technique it might not be a good place to start – there’s an expectation that you know the basics. Also, make sure you pace yourself if you’re just getting back into working out, and to modify each station as necessary to just keep your heart rate up.
AFT
I did one class, and have previously been a member at OTF and currently at Burn Boot Camp. In my area, the cost of F45 is MUCH higher than either of those options. Unlimited is ~$250 at F45, ~$180ish at OTF, and $169 at Burn. I thought the workouts were good but nothing terribly different from either option & a more limited class schedule (possibly because the F45 locations are new). I can’t allow myself to pay an extra $70/mo. for classes that seem similar. However, if you find it better for you and something that you’ll get to, it may be worth it.
Anon
Have you thought of BeachBody’s 21 Day Fix if you’re looking to get a jumpstart? There’s a 14 day free trial and I think it’s $40/quarter after that. I tried it and got hooked. 30 minutes and day and you had a great workout and you don’t need anything other than hand weights.
Lobbyist
Unfortunately exercise is a hard way to lose weight. Eating less is required. I have lost 10 plus lbs with Stronger U. They tell you the amount to eat each day of carbs, protein and fat and you check in with a coach weekly. I highly recommend. As for gym challenges if they help and if you can lose weight (by eating better) then go for it!
Feet on fire
Does anyone get a burning sensation in the balls of their feet when they’re wearing dress shoes? It almost never happens when I wear very supportive sneakers, but if I walk more than a few blocks (like literally more than ~10 min) in dress shoes, it feels like the balls of my feet are on fire. Almost like a really bad friction burn, but it happens in all the shoes I own so its not that one pair is too big or anything. Anyone have a similar feeling? Any suggestions for what to do about it? All I can find searching online is about people with diabetes with nerve damage, but that’s not me…
Trixie
It is most likely not your feet, but the shoes. Heels are so hard on the feet. It is probably time to buy comfort brands, with more padding, and lower heels, and not the thin, leather soled versions. Paul Green, Rockport, Beautifeel, and other similar brands make more comfy heels.
BR
I don’t know the why, but I get this too if I spend too much time walking in heels! No matter if they’re boots with socks, or pumps…the comfort of the shoe doesn’t seem to make a difference.
MagicUnicorn
Yes, but only in specific shoes (and those specific shoes reliably cause that feeling every time I wear them). The padding seems good, the heel height isn’t crazy, they are comfortable for sitting, but on days I have to walk I don’t wear them or I grab my spare office flats instead.
pugsnbourbon
Happens almost every time I wear heels – almost like a pins and needles feeling, but hot. Try a ball of foot cushion and if that’s not enough, put in one of the squishy gel inserts made for heels. The combo of arch support+ball of foot cushion helps a lot.
Anonymous
For me, this was a Morton’s Neuroma. I started getting cortisone shots and life got SO MUCH BETTER (along with better shoes). I’ve basically sworn off wearing any heels anymore and make sure my shoes are wide enough to accommodate my toe box.
Anon
Yep. It’s a friction thing for me. I’ll find in a couple days that the skin on the ball of my foot is peeling. I just wear lower, comfier shoes.
Stumped
I am going to a wedding in early November in Europe. It will be cold. I will have to travel from church to the reception place…. any suggestions for weather appropriate wedding outfit? Please share some ideas, links, anything! Thanks!
ElisaR
cape!
also I prefer a dress with a cap sleeve or 3/4 sleeve at least when it’s cold. Tights if you can pull off a more casual look… otherwise I suffer.
Anonymous
That time of of year in the U.K. for weddings people wear a wool or ‘dress’ coat over whatever dress. I’ve also seen friends wear cheap tan tights (panty hose) and then bin them at the evening venue. A dressy pashmina as a scarf and gloves wouldn’t be out of place.
Anon
Just wear a coat you already own for the walk between venues. This doesn’t call for a new purchase.
Ness
Which country are we speaking about? Cold early Nov in Europe could mean 10ºC or -10ºC depending the country, the same with the attire etiquette. Then you can go from a smart wrap, to a party coat. Wear furs in Uk and they will call the police, dont in Russia and you will look like the poor relative.
I have been in international weddings in UK, Germany, Spain, Russia and Findland and I will say that you are playing safely in a morning wedding with a smart coat that you could be wearing to a conservative office and in an evening event with a party coat if you have it or adding to a normal one a more special scarf.
I was overworried in my first event abroad trying to look like the rest when the local guest were expecting to have the oportuny to see how we dress in other places.
Hilary 2020?
I’m just wondering now that the Joe/Hunter Biden thing is looking a bit . . . appearance of impropriety (even if nothing is truly wrong) and now it seems that Elizabeth Warren is outright lying about being fired for being pregnant (and I’m not sure that her nomination spells anything but a second Trump term), this is where Hilary comes back for 2020? [Or no b/c she already lost to Trump, but I think her loss is closer than what I feel is the inevitable Warren loss?].
The future seemed clearer before all this Ukraine stuff. I still think that if it doesn’t clearly take Trump out, it leaves him unscathed and energizes his base. But it could really take Biden out. This is all so crazy.
Anon
I’m sure Hillary is not coming back. I think this is why people like Kamala Harris and Cory Booker and Pete Buttigeig are still in the race despite them very clearly behind the big 3 – if these “scandals” (or Bernie’s health problems) affect the top candidates, there may be some room for them. Even if it’s something like finishing an unexpected second or third in Iowa or New Hampshire, that could vault them into the top tier of candidates and they might win some primaries after that. There are already 15+ serious candidates, we don’t need more.
Anon
Did I miss something on the Warren front? I knew that there was some talk, because she apparently didn’t tell people at the time. But is that really surprising? The absence of a contemporaneous outcry to friends does not mean that someone is lying.
(And Hillary had just as much baggage even before the 2016 elections)
anon
I read that someone looked at the minutes of the school board, and they had first voted to extend her, and accepted her resignation a few months later. Since it didn’t spell out clearly “we sacked her because she was pregnant”, some take this as a contradiction to her account.
Anonymous
That’s ridiculous, and amounts to blaming a woman for the rampant misogyny of the 1970s where teachers were often forced to resign when they were visibly pregnant. The Republicans have no shame.
anon
I strongly suspect that being pregnant contributed to me being fired from a previous job. I have only ever said it out loud to 2 people. I have a typical, bland, BS story about why I left and am not in a position to jeopardize my career by going around suggesting I was fired for being pregnant, even if there’s a lot of truth to it. Even if I had proof, I wouldn’t say anything.
Anonymous
Sorry that happened to you. We constantly tell people on this Board that when they are interviewing for a new job to have a neutral story about why they left their old job. I would have been shocked if Warren actually told a lot of people when it happened.
ElisaR
right. did people expect the minutes to say “I vote to fire Elizabeth since she is pregnant.”
I don’t think she was “proven” wrong by any means.
Anon
The minutes said she was hired on for a second year.
anon@10:47
FWIW, if you need a new job, I think it’s good advice to have a neutral story for why you left your old job, even if something discriminatory happened. This is especially true if you are staying in the same industry and/or the same geographic market. I live in a mid-sized city that’s small enough that everyone knows everyone else and large enough that people move around a lot.
I am the breadwinner in my family, and it was more important to me to get a new job than it was to throw shade at my old job. People might have believed it happened, but they wouldn’t want to take on someone who would actually speak up. Also, I had some good references from my old job, but of course, if new job called up those references and asked if I was fired for being pregnant, those references would deny it, give their own version of typical, bland, BS story, and then tank me.
Anon
Isn’t her story that she was hired for a second year and then let go later, once she was visibly pregnant? I don’t think there are any inconsistencies between her story and the fact that her contract was renewed at some point in time before she was visibly pregnant. As someone who has done a bit of plaintiff-side employment law, pregnancy discrimination is incredibly hard to prove. If she believes she was discriminated against because of her pregnancy, at a time when that was incredibly common and legal, I’m inclined to take her at her word.
anon
yes she was hired on for a second year. The minutes from a few months later said she handed in her resignation. If you can imagine that this was not a voluntary resignation, then there is no problem with her story.
Anon
She’s a lawyer. If she resigned for hostile work environment type conditions, or was given the choice between resignation and a firing, then she should have said so. She didn’t. She isn’t some Sally Schmoe off the street who would not be that precise in the distinction; she’s paid nearly a half-million dollars a year to teach law.
She lied and was caught in the lie. Enough of defending her because she’s a Democrat.
Anon
@Anon at 12:57, this happened when she was a 22 year old public school teacher, she was not a lawyer at the time and was definitely not being paid half a million dollars to teach. It also wasn’t illegal at the time, so there would be nothing to sue for (this was 1971, federal law outlawing pregnancy discrimination was 1978). I’m not defending her because she’s a Democrat, I’m defending her because these are basic facts that you couldn’t be bothered to look up.
Lily
Elizabeth Warren is not lying , please don’t go spreading around that nonsense. Have you read her statements?
Anonymous
Yes — it seems like she is seeming to be the person you want to believe but will go with self-serving tales that don’t pan out and can be verified as untrue. If it were the first instance, that is one thing. But after the Cherokee disaster, I have to wonder what her fellow candidates will dig up (never mind the opposition research that is probably likely going on now also). I just can’t believe her. And I think she is problematic enough to guarantee Trump 2.0. There has to be someone better.
anon
Her DNA analysis confirmed that she has Native American descendants. There was no, as you put it, ‘verified tale’ of her using this heritage to advance professionally.
If you are putting this scandal whipped up by republicans on the same level as the lies and crimes that come out of the current administration, then I can’t help you.
Anon
It did not confirm her account.
Anonymous
And tribal membership isn’t based on a certain quantum of DNA (which, truth be told, is pretty negligible for her). I think it irritated people who are actual enrolled members that it was brought up (and poorly) a second time.
JuniorMinion
Her DNA analysis actually determined that at ~1% Native American she has half as much Native American ancestry as the average American in their database (at 2%)
ie – Elizabeth Warren is officially whiter than the average American as one of the comedy bits put it.
anon
Actual Native American people have raised a myriad of concerns about Warren’s original assertion and how she handled it. Their voices are the ones I’m listening to on this.
Z
+1 two former teachers from the school even said it was not uncommon for visibly pregnant teachers to be fired without cause.
Anonymous
Right and I don’t doubt that that is often true and was often true. But someone dug up a video where she said that she resigned because she needed additional credentials. No mention of I was fired b/c I was pregnant or any pretext of the resignation not being anything other than what it was at face value. Her own d*mn words. I hate to say it, but front runners get a different sort of heat (which is better now than after someone is the nominee). She can’t now hide behind other women’s experiences.
anon
how long ago since the last thread on this site where someone said “I was pushed out because my employers are terrible people, what reason should I give in job interviews?” and everyone advising the poster NOT to tell the truth? Why do you think it is different for her?
Anon
Where was she saying this? Do you expect her to go to a conference and tell people she was fired for being pregnant? Go to the newspaper? Of course she gave the bland BS story on tape.
Anon
Anon at 12:41 pm: she said that circa 2008. Of course she’s lying.
anon a mouse
Please, tell me more about the impropriety of children. Start with Trump’s kids lying to investors and running a sham foundation.
Anonymous
True, but he will be the nominee regardless of that and nothing is new on that front.
You don’t see Chelsea Clinton working in a foreign industry she knows nothing about for 50K per month. Or any of Al Gore’s daughters. Or even John Edwards’s older daughter. Just Biden’s son.
Anon
Chelsea working for the Clinton Foundation for a hefty salary was definitely one of many scandals surrounding Hillary’s various candidacies.
Suburban
+1 million . Why can’t the trumps run a charity in ny?
Alanna of Trebond
Funnily, my father raised this recently. His reasoning was that, eventually the Democratic candidate will need to move to the center for the general election, and the centrist options are Joe Biden and then Kamala Harris/Pete Buttigieg with less support. Hillary would obviously be better than Joe Biden and has much more support than Kamala or Pete. But I don’t think she will put herself through this again. She would have been a great president, even if she is not a great candidate.
BR
PS, I love your username!!! Tamora Pierce is one of my favorites!!
Alanna of Trebond
I met her last year on her book tour! Literally one of my childhood dreams come true. She is as delightful in person as you would imagine.
RR
I have always really liked a Kamala Harris ticket. I like her, and I think that her being a former prosecutor sells well to more centrist Dems. She will be my primary vote if she’s still in the election. Make no mistake though that I will vote for any Democrat on the ticket. I don’t think Hillary runs again though. I loved her as a candidate and will always think she should have been President, but I don’t think she will or should run again.
I’m more worried about the potential for a major constitutional crisis than I am a second Trump term by election.
Anonymous
There is no scenario where Hillary comes back
Senior Attorney
I saw Mayor Pete speak today and let me tell you — he’s pretty great. I would LOVE to see him on the ticket.
Apple Watch?
I know my husband is interested in an Apple Watch for an upcoming birthday. Now that the 5 series came out, the 3 is more in the budget. Is it a mistake to get him the 3 at this point?
no
My understanding is that the only difference is water resistance and whether the face stays on all the time. I have a 3 and can honestly say I’ve never thought about needing either of those things.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
I have a 3 and am constantly annoyed by the fact that it’s impossible to surreptitiously glance at the time. I would want the 5 for that reason alone.
RR
I bought a 3 earlier this year, and I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. My husband has a 4, and there are differences between the 3 and 4, but I can’t even remember what they are. The most annoying thing about having a 3 is that there aren’t as many “official” Apple band options available for the 3 anymore because the sizing on the face is different in the 4 (not sure about the 5, if it’s consistent with the 4 or different again).
I’d recommend looking at Apple’s really good compare tools to isolate the differences and then considering whether they really matter to your husband.
Anonymous
Yes. I’ve never known someone to hanker after outdated technology for a gift. Do you want a two year old suit for your birthday?
Anon
I’m gonna push back on this. My family’s budget does not allow me to get the most updated technology. It just doesn’t. So, yes, I would love to get a slightly older version of something like an Apple Watch if it’s still going to be fun and useful.
LaurenB
That’s weird. People buy iPhones and don’t always buy the latest version, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a bit much to say that an AppleWatch 3 is “outdated technology.” It just doesn’t have all the bells and whistles of an AppleWatch 5, that’s all.
Redesign Inspiration
I need some inspiration for a redesign of my living room. What are the best blogs or magazine to look at for ideas?
Anonymous
Redesign? Or redecorating? If the latter, Maria Kilim is a great place to start.
Redesign Inspiration
Redecorate. Thanks for the recommendation
Anon
I like Emily Henderson, Design Within Reach (even though the $$$ are out of my reach), the blog posts on Room and Board website. I also like Architectural Digest but too artsy and expensive for me to recreate!
anonymustard
I’m trying to figure out what to wear for a retirement dinner party for my boss. I work at a small nonprofit. Here are some details: location is a (wealthy) board member’s home, cost of the party is, er, $5,000 (I’ve seen the caterer invoice), guest list is about 30 people (board members and others), time is 6 p.m. on a Friday, and there will be passed hors d’oeuvres (which I feel like is a good clue). I want to make a good impression on the board members because I haven’t met most of them before, and I’m new to the org. Oh, it’ll be 55 degrees that day.
Anonymous
Who is footing the bill for this party? Just out of curiosity. Hopefully not your organization…
Flats Only
You would be surprised how well non-profits treat their senior people. Generally it’s only the middle and low level staffers who are expected the sacrifice for the “mission” by accepting low pay, bad perks, and crappy travel accommodations. One of the reasons I swore off working for them – I realized the person not profiting was me!
anon
Idk, I used to volunteer at a professional society in grad school (i.e. managing a budget together with a bunch of students), and the serve-yourself mentality is always there in certain people, no matter where they are in the hierarchy.
NY CPA
I just went to a retirement party for a senior partner at my firm that sounds very similar, and wore a dressy black sheath that had a beaded neckline. It went over very well and I received multiple compliments.
The original Scarlett
I’d look at the H&M dress someone posted yesterday or something similar – LBD on the more conservative side
https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.0800801001.html
Anonymous
I would wear a sheath dress and jacket – everyone is going to be coming from work.
9-5 Jobs
On the contrary to the thread above about long-hour jobs, what are some 40 hr work week jobs you’ve had/work at, and enjoy? I’m debating a job change, studied Econ in college, but don’t know what kind of jobs to look for outside of my current industry.
Anon
Policy and evaluation of government programs.
Anonymous
Not unless you are willing to travel a lot, work for low pay, try to wring meaning out of useless data, and then have your clients try to manipulate the results to suit their political ends.
Anon
I got an MPP and that is not at all what my job is like.
Anonymous
You must not work in evaluation research.
Anon
I’m not the MPP, but I work in evaluation research and have very manageable travel and no nefarious clients.
Anon
Yep, I was going to say policy work. You’d have to be in DC or a state capital, though. I’ve done both and I actually enjoyed state work more than federal because many states actually get more done than the federal gov’t – pass a budget, fix roads, pay teachers, etc. The pay can be modest, depending on whether you’re inside or outside of the government, but you work on interesting stuff, rarely have work emergencies (though budget season is always busy at every level), and get to leave work at work when you leave for the day.
Anon
I’m not in DC or a state capital and I’m in policy research in the private sector. Pay is $75K.
Anon
As an industry, higher ed is one of the best I’ve seen for work-life balance. Most people who aren’t incredibly senior work 40 hours/week or less, and there is often a lot of flexibility to work from home. Pay is generally low compared to industry, but benefits are often amazing (I have 5.5 weeks of paid vacation – separate from sick leave – and a 10% employer retirement contribution).
Anon
I should say most higher ed *staff* work 40 hours/week or less…faculty is a different ballgame, but a lot of them are so passionate about work that the line between work and fun is blurry.
emeralds
Yes, if you steer away from student life or residence life jobs, higher ed should work. Do your due diligence in the interview process, obviously, but on the staff side expectations are generally manageable.
Anonymous
Nonprofit fundraising
Anon
It really depends on what you want to do and how much you want/need to make. If you are in or willing to move to DC or a state capital, most government jobs are 40 hours/week
Anon
There are local government jobs too, and also not all state government jobs are in the state capital. I have a relative who was an assistant state attorney general, working out of a branch office not the capital.
Anonanonanon
Yes, and in some states, there are county/city governments with deeper pockets than the state. (Counties in Northern Virginia, Southern Florida, New York City vs. New York State, etc.)
Anonanonanon
State government. Doesn’t have to be in the capital, some branches are out in districts and need people in their business office (health departments, etc.)
Anon
To the OP from yesterday who wants to take a mere three days for a canoe trip with her aging grandfather, I just wanted to be the voice of dissent and say that you’re doing the right thing by not considering canceling. You won’t regret it. You can leave the firm if the consequences are actually dire and if they’re not (which they probably won’t be), then all the better. Some things are more important than money and you can do all you can to get the matter to a good place before you go. It’s just three days and you’re not saving lives (I know people don’t like that argument and I’m not trying to inflame anyone – I agree that legal work is important too. It just helps to keep things in perspective sometimes because no one will literally die without you). Take these 72 hours, don’t bring your laptop (lol at thought of typing while canoeing), and have an awesome time with your family. Also, FWIW, I don’t think you committed some horrible crime by not giving “notice” for a national holiday. You can do this and it will be worth it! I just wanted to post this because I have had the good fortune of being able to “show up” for two of my grandparents in their last months of life and it meant so much to them and to me.
Nan
Also please report back and let us know how it went when you told the partner. I’ve been thinking about your situation and I hope you find a way to make everything work ok.
Canoe Associate
Thanks to all who have been supportive, reasonable and understanding – I really appreciate it and take your advice to heart. I wish I worked with more people like you. This goes for those who have warned me of the potential consequences in a reasonable and realistic way (ie. not those so quick to tell me that this is a “catastrophe” and I’m going to be immediately fired and my career is ruined…people you are the reason I have already started planning my route out of biglaw, as have a majority of my associate friends).
To those who have been insulting my intelligence, maturity, judgment, making comments on the state of my Grandpa etc. – I hope you have made yourself feel better by casting such judgments on a young woman who simply came to you for advice, and for assuming you know everything about a situation you know only the salient facts of. It’s women like you that keep young professional women like me from communicating better with/asking for advice from more senior women out of fear of repercussions and lack of understanding of the experience of others.
Also to those who have never been in a canoe or don’t have an awareness of what a canoe trip entails…you can’t bring electronics…everything gets wet, all your stuff is in the canoe with you and there is limited space in packs that is used for food, tents, supplies etc. I keep my phone in a plastic sleeve the entire trip. A big laptop just wouldn’t work (and there’s no plugs for when the battery dies anyways).
I spoke to the team yesterday and they were (understandably) not thrilled. I offered to work essentially 24/7 up until I leave (and pulled an all-nighter last night to prove that I meant it). I also arranged with my family to leave later than the rest of them and meet them at the first campsite, so that I can do some work on Saturday morning either in a coffee shop before I lose service or at the office before I leave – whichever is best for the team. I explained that, as such, I would be finished all of my deliverables that I would have spent the weekend on before I even leave, and can address the issues that came up during my absence as soon as I am back in service on Monday. I also let them know that if there is mark-up work to do, I can print stuff out and do it by hand during the trip. So that’s the deal as of right now. It remains to be seen what sort of reputational damage I have caused myself and how busy the weekend will actually be for the rest of the team, but I feel good about my decision nevertheless. This job has clashed with (and usually defeated) my values every step of the way and I feel glad to have been true to myself this time. I’m excited to spend some time with my Grandpa on a family tradition that he started, while I still can.
Anon
Way to go, you! I read but didn’t comment and hoped you’d be able to go.
Also, yeah, this board has been BRUTAL the past week or so.
Anonymous
The irony of you scolding us for making assumptions while making numerous assumptions yourself. No one told you that you would be immediately fired. Many people told you that it would reflect poorly on your work management skills to give two days notice of unavailability. Whether you can overcome that reputation or not remains to be seen.
And if your stuff is getting all wet when you are canoeing then you are doing it wrong. That’s what dry bags are for. How do you go on an annual canoe trip without owning multiple dry bags? Taking the laptop with you is not necessarily about taking it on the canoeing portion especially if you have multiple portages and are not in an ‘easy’ park like Algonquin or Mont Tremblant. You need to take it so that you can log in immediately before and after your trip. It seems like you understand that now.
FWIW, I’m a Canadian govt lawyer who regularly canoes and kayaks and has had to take work to mark-up while camping more than once. Life outside biglaw isn’t all roses either.
Anonymous
I’m sorry you’re so unhappy with your own life that you had to post this nasty, vituperative and wholly unnecessary comment. I hope you get some help.
Anon
Yay, go you! You are awesome. None of your critics acknowledged that you have been working your a** off for months leading up to this.
Anon
Also, let’s be real – you could have given six months’ notice for this and everyone would still jump on you and say you have to cancel.
Anonymous
People would not have said she needed to cancel because six months would have given the senior people on her team tons of time to staff up other juniors to accommodate the absence.
The issue is not a three day trip and being off-grid. That’s fine. The issue is two days notice and the expectation of being able to be off-gird with only two days notice in a work crisis situation.
Anon
Anon at 12:36, everyone else on her team is killing themselves too. And her 3 day absence means that all her work has to get redistributed, and all THOSE people who were maybe hoping to have some time with their families get much less family time, if any. I don’t know why you think OP is the only person on the team who is working hard, or the only person who might want to see their family on Thanksgiving.
Anonymous
To everyone concerned about the team, maybe the partners should hire more lawyers.
Anon
Good for you. I hope the trip goes well. And who really knows what the consequences will be? Some may be done with you, some may respect you – your life will go on either way.
Anon
For what it’s worth, if you’re planning to leave biglaw anyway I think it’s unlikely that this is ever going to make an actual difference in your career.
Anonymous
You sound like a snot.
Anonymous
You sound like worse. Do you feel better about yourself having posted this comment? You shouldn’t.
Anon
You’re ignoring the real issue, which is that you should have had the maturity, foresight and professionalism to notify your team more than TWO DAYS in advance.
Anonymous
OP, just do you and ignore all of the fear mongering. I am a midlevel in Biglaw, and I would absolutely do the same. For the folks saying, our salaries mean 24/7 availability, I wholeheartedly disagree. I am only in Biglaw because of law school loans, and I will only do ask much work as is required of me to not get fired and nothing more and my conscience is absolutely clear. Law firms are like any other corporate employer, they will take what you give and give nothing back. I will stay as long as I need to or until I’m pushed out, and I could care less about the so-called “reputational harm” that does because I have an exit plan and it does not involve ever working in Biglaw again. Cue the angry responses.
anon
Dude no one’s angry at you, and no one cares what you’re doing with your career.
Anonymous
Unless you are leaving law entirely I don’t get why you are not worried about reputational harm. There are only so many in house jobs with great hours – you want to be the person that a partner goes to bat for when an opportunity arises for you to go in-house.
hi hi hi
This makes a lot more sense if, in your mind, you have already left the job.
Anon
Then omg quit. If you don’t like the culture and you’re not willing to actually do anything about the culture other than complain, then quit.
January
I’m glad you were able to work it out. For what it’s worth, when I was in biglaw and had a girls’ weekend planned (not on a holiday weekend) that occurred at the same time as an expedited case, I was ultimately allowed to go, but under similar circumstances to yours: I had to finish certain deliverables before I left town, and I had to cut the trip very short. I remained employed by that firm for probably another 3-4 years. That said, associates who made a habit of disappearing without notice were usually invited to leave the firm earlier in their tenure (2-3 years). You will ultimately probably be happier in a different environment – many (but not all) smaller firms, for example, tend not to have these types of “all hands” matters because there aren’t enough people to handle them.
Anon
Also please report back and let us know how it all goes!
Anon
Her grandfather isn’t in his last few months of life, and bringing your laptop to do some work (not while actually canoeing, obviously) and showing up for your family members aren’t mutually exclusive.
Anonymous
Have the people who are suggesting bringing a laptop on a canoeing trip ever been outdoors?
Anon
+1.
Anon
How do you take a laptop on a canoe trip without risking it getting ruined? I agree that’s the best solution but feel like I’m missing something here logistically.
Anonymous
That’s what dry bags are for. A small laptop is like the size of an Ipad basically. Double dry bag if you want to be extra certain.
Anonymous
A dry bag doesn’t help while you are actually working on the laptop in a dirty environment. It also doesn’t provide power, and those external batteries for phones won’t connect to a laptop.
Anon
You can purchase backup computer batteries. A Big Law attorney can certainly afford one.
Anonymous
2 batteries is like 6-8 hours of power. And how dirty is your tent that you can’t have a phone or laptop inside?
When I’ve had to work on a camping trip, I’ve preferred to do my markups on hard copy and then send a photo to juniors to input the edits. Sometimes you do what you gotta do. I’d rather work for a couple hours after my kids are asleep vs cancel the trip.
Anon
Yes, dry bag.
hi hi hi
This is such bad thinking and horrible advice for those in Biglaw. The issue is not that canoe associate is taking this trip.
Canoe associate got lucky last year that she did not need to take a reputation hit by informing her team that she would not be available (at all) over the holiday weekend. She hoped this year that she would be in the same spot and sure enough, this has backfired on her and now she is stuck. She will take the reputation hit AND further damage her reputation by refusing to take any responsibility for not informing people in advance.
Canoe associate f*cked up big time by not telling people she wants to take a vacation in which she desires to have no access to email or a laptop less than three days before the holiday weekend begins. Canoe associate needs to own up to her horrible judgment, find a WiFi card, get her phone hooked to email and bring a laptop with a battery charger. She only has herself to blame here.
In my view, she’s making it so much worse for people who do want to “disconnect”. How is she not smart enough to inform her team well in advance about a trip she takes every year! What kind of example is she setting for others? It’s horrible.
Anon
No, I disagree. It’s a holiday that everyone knows about. Sure, a little more notice COULD have helped, but we’re not talking a 3-week trek in the Andes here. She’s not even taking any extra days off work. It’s a very short time to be unreachable.
anon
This, +1….Team Canoe Associate….have a great time with your family!!!
Anon
I agree it’s not like a 3 week trek in the Andes, but the thing is when you sign up for Big Law and the commensurate big salary, you can’t ever really be unreachable in the middle of a busy time for your case or deal, unless you or an immediate family member has died or been hospitalized (and, honestly, not necessarily even then – I worked for a partner who worked from the hospital a lot while her child was dying of cancer). We can argue all day about whether it’s good or bad, but it’s certainly the way it is, and unilaterally deciding to take a 3 day off the grid vacation at the last minute in the middle of a busy time is going to damage OP’s reputation at the firm. That’s all people were saying, and it’s definitely a true statement.
Tz
I feel sad that a partner who worker while her child was dying is your standard for how others should live their lives.
PolyD
Working while your child is dying of cancer is not… something to aspire to, really.
Anon
I didn’t say it was something to aspire to, although in her case I think work was a welcome distraction from her child’s health situation and eventual death. She was a partner, so I can’t imagine she couldn’t have taken some extended time off if she’d wanted to.
Anon
I have done this exact thing, though I’m neither a lawyer or a partner.
I worked in the hospital on my laptop while my child was being treated for cancer, and she ultimately died. Work was a welcome distraction, something I knew how to do, and a way to fill long, long hours while she was sleeping. And there was also the pesky matter of needing to be employed to pay the bills and maintain my daughter’s health insurance.
Let’s back off on the judgment of someone in her/my situation. The vast majority of people will fortunately never know what they’d do in such a situation.
Anonymous
Agree. The issue isn’t that she wants to take the trip. It’s the giving only two days notice for total unavailability for a minor holiday weekend. Cdn Thanksgiving is not the major holiday that American Thanksgiving is. No one travels major distances to see family. Yes, you spend time with local family and yes, some college students will go home because some universities have a 4 day weekend but it is not a major holiday where colleagues would think you will be totally unavailable in the middle of a big matter going on for the entire weekend. I can guarantee that most people who ususally come in on weekends to work will probably come in on either Saturday or Monday for at least a couple hours.
Never too many shoes...
Respectfully, I think you are drastically underestimating the potential impact on yesterday’s OP and the consequences that she might face. Unilaterally deciding to be uncontactable for three days in the middle of a major case at an early stage of your career could be catastrophic – it will mark her as being undependable and not a team player which is something that firms watch closely. In this case, she could have avoided this by saying something about her plans weeks ago which, given that she described this as an annual trip, was well within her power to do. Simply remaining silent and hoping an issue will just resolve itself does not suggest a high level of good decision making or maturity, which is also something that firms use to assess associates.
Anonymous
And her peers will hate her if they work at all this weekend when she works zero.
Anon
+1. I don’t like that this is the case, and I think this could have been handled well and avoided, but not at this time. I hope I’m wrong.
January
+1 (sorry to say)
Cat
Yes. (Also sorry to say.)
Anon
+1 (so sorry to say)
Anonymous
This. As a junior partner, I wouldn’t necessarily want to see her fired but I would definitely be very cautious about staffing her on any important matters in the future as who knows when the next time will be that I only get two days notice of unavailability. It’s not like it’s two days notice because of a medical or emergency type issue, it’s an annual trip!
Anonymous
“Simply remaining silent and hoping an issue will just resolve itself does not suggest a high level of good decision making or maturity, which is also something that firms use to assess associates.”
+ 1 million. It’s not about the three days. It’s about OP’s poor judgment.
RR
I have to agree. We had a senior associate on a litigation tell us about a 10 day trip to Europe very late. He left on a Wednesday, and one of the partners found out on Monday and I found out after he left. He was at least somewhat available, but it was definitely discussed a lot by the partners. It’s not even that he went, because I’m in mid-law in the Midwest, which is a little more vacation-friendly than BigLaw. It’s the lack of notice. I, as a partner who has been practicing 20 years, would tell my team in advance when I’m going to be out. I expect the same from a new associate on my cases, and I would judge the lack of judgment shown by not telling everyone well in advance. I also do think it’s probably unreasonable to ever be truly unreachable as a junior associate in BigLaw.
Anonymous
A 10 day trip to Europe is very different than a 3-day WEEKEND AND NATIONAL HOLIDAY. Not comparable at all. My experience in biglaw is that there are TONS of weekends where you don’t know yet if you’ll be expected to work, but hope that you don’t. I think people are making this into way bigger of an issue than it actually is.
Anon
Sure, this was my attitude for most of my time in Big Law and it translated to a lot of fun weekend trips when work was light (often with minimal to no notice). But if/when you’re expected to work, you have to either cancel your plans or find a way to do the work while doing your plans. You can’t just say, oops, sorry I’d planned to be out of pocket that weekend. If it’s that important to be out of pocket and you can’t cancel the trip or bring work on the trip, you need to give tons of advance notice.
Anonymous
It’s actually pretty comparable because that associate was at least partially available. OP is going for a shorter time but will be totally unavailable. It’s technically a national holiday but it’s hardly equivalent to American Thanksgiving or 4th of July type weekend where no one works.
RR
True, but he was also (1) a senior associate and (2) available with his laptop. Nonetheless, I wasn’t saying the situations were 100% analogous. They are similar, and I would as a partner absolutely judge an associate who told me she was completely unreachable and doing zero work for 3 days when all the other members of the team were working, thus making more work for the rest of the team during the holiday weekend. I would judge even more if she told me a couple days before, limiting my options for rebalancing work.
If this is an every holiday situation, then she has a right to complain, but anyone agreeing to get paid a BigLaw salary when they are a junior associate signs on for occasional work on holidays and for missing events. If you don’t want to do that, you don’t accept the salary. I’ve worked on Thanksgiving. I’ve worked on Christmas. I’ve cancelled trips I didn’t want to cancel. On balance, those events have been rare, but we have obligations to the case and the client and the team. If you don’t want those obligations, then don’t accept the deal (i.e., giant salary in exchange for all your time). It’s a pretty simple equation.
Anon
I don’t know if it’s just this one person harping on the fact that this is a holiday, but that obviously doesn’t matter if your firm’s expectation is that you will be available anyway. Willfully ignoring that is not going to change the outcome or get you what you want.
anon
I think “catastrophic” is an overstatement (but is reflective of the type of mindset biglaw encourages), but yes – could significantly have a very negative impact on her long-term situation at this firm. It’s not the unavailability so much as the lack of communication. The lack of communication means that it will be well-nigh-impossible now for the partners to arrange coverage, which means the likely outcome is that everyone else on the deal works harder and has a worse holiday.
I’m a partner in a biglaw firm, and I would be super annoyed about this only because I would know that the rest of the team was already taking a hit in terms of ability to enjoy the holiday, and that said hit would be worse bc of unnecessarily being down a person. I would probably have an un-fun chat with her when she returned about how this affected all of us. It would end up in her annual review as well, probably. But would it mean her future at the firm was done? No. Careers are long; most people screw up badly at least once; sometimes it’s misfiling a document or not checking down key authority, and sometimes it’s a work-management issue like this.
Anon
You’re part of the problem if that’s how you would respond.
Anonymous
No. The problem is people who expect gigantic salaries while being totally unreachable for a three day minor holiday weekend in the middle of a huge work matter. What part of a biglaw salary buying your availability and time is unclear to people?
anon
So instead the answer should be, yep, it’s totally fine that you knew this was a work crisis and we were all going to be stuck working and that you’d be unavailable, but you didn’t tell anyone until 2 days prior? That’s not okay even in my practice – and note that I encourage all of my associates to take their vacations fully unplugged. They put them on my calendar, so I knew when I need backup staffing. I haven’t emailed an associate who was on vacation *ever* that I remember. In fact, I check in with people if they don’t fully use their vacation and encourage them to do it, because I think it’s important. The OP’s failing is not communicating – not taking the vacation.
anon
Her response would be rational. It is bad and wrong to screw over your team and shirk your obligations. Sorry you don’t like it, but that’s adult life. No one made OP or anyone else work in a large law firm. Why do you think associates get paid paid so much? You really think that you can earn a $200,000 salary -with bonuses- a few years out of school without working for it? It’s an option contract on your time. The expectations are high. Grow up.
Anonymous
Biglaw salaries in Canada are not $200k like in the US…they are 6 figures, but nowhere near the US associate salaries
Anonymous
+1 – I think I’m known as a relatively kind and gentle senior associate, but if I and my team were in the midst of busting our *sses on a big deal, I would at least expect the courtesy of planning this through with me ahead of time. If it was a really big deal to her, I wouldn’t *make* her stay, but it would make me think twice before staffing her on another of my matters. It would be different if a relative were on their deathbed or something. Again, it sucks, but that’s why we get paid like we do. I’ve been in biglaw for 6 years, and I have had to cancel a vacation once. It sucked, but there was no way around it. It was also mightily appreciated.
Anon
Also been in BigLaw 6 years, and this is exactly my thought as well.
Anon
All of this makes me extremely glad I’m not a lawyer.
anon
100%!!
Vicky Austin
+100
anon
to be clear, this is (mostly) unique to private practice, not all lawyers.
anon
It’s unique to certain lawyers in private practice who get paid a lot of money to be constantly available. I’m a lawyer in a suburban law office in a mid-size city in the SEUS. Most days, I woke 9-5:30, take lunch, and rarely work from home. I could easily unplug for 3 days, and I can take longer vacations where I just check in and quickly respond or delegate.
anon
Yes. We are talking about a tiny, tiny, percentage of lawyers at elite firms. I am a big law refugee working in a small firm full of mid-law refugees and have successfully taken 2 week vacations off the grid. When I told the partner I work for, his response was 100% supportive. Except for his envy. I was also set to go on a week long international trip when trial prep was heating up and I got pulled in. In big law (or even some other private firms) I might have been asked or pressured to cancel. But I was not. People in my firm are adamant that family comes first. If I still worked in a large law firm, I’d probably be making $250,000+/ year right now. Wow, that’d be nice. I make $160,000 + bonuses. #choices.
Anonymous
Agreed. It’s amazing how people can lose perspective on the importance of work and living a good life.
Anon
IF it gets that bad, which is no guarantee whatsoever, she can leave and try to find a firm that isn’t monstrous. I get that law firms have different expectations, but I honestly can’t believe how you are all defending these practices for a very, very short holiday. You would honestly peg her as unreliable forever and derail her career for that? She had a perfectly good reason why she didn’t give more “notice” – it’s a national holiday and she thought (mistakenly) that it would be fine like last year. That’s a possible error in judgement, but not a crime. A bigger error in judgment IMHO is skipping this trip. Grandparents are so valuable that it’s worth moving heaven and earth to make this trip happen.
Anon
When you work in a client-driven profession like law, there’s no such thing as a guaranteed holiday. There are weekends and federal holidays and everyone hopes that they will be able to take them off, but when urgent situations arise you need to work on those days. Just because it was fine one year without giving advanced notice, doesn’t mean she can always expect to have those days off without notice. Her grandfather is not dying, and if she’d said “my grandfather had a stroke and was hospitalized, I need to go see him” the responses would have been very different than if she said she didn’t want to cancel a vacation.
Anonymous
It was fine last year because there were no busy matters. She got lucky. It’s not the three day vacation people are complaining about. It’s the total lack of notice to the senior associates and partners on this file. How are they supposed to replace her on two days notice? She can go but the lack of notice is evidence of poor work management that will be a problem for her.
anon
Stop giving bad advice. A “mere 3 days” isn’t an accurate way to characterize it if there’s crucial activities happening in those three days. It’s not only the length of time, it’s *when* she will be gone and what she’ll be missing, and the fact that she will be totally unreachable. The fact that it’s a holiday obviously doesn’t matter because clearly everyone else will be working and that’s the expectation, so there’s no “constructive notice” to the partners. You’re being deliberately obtuse. You also don’t seem to be able to connect the dots between your situation and hers– the fact that you were fortunate to show up for your family members has no bearing whatsoever on whether this is a smart way for canoe associate to handle her situation.
To all other associates reading: be aware that some firms absolutely will push you out for stuff like this.
Also, question: is aging Grandpa in his last few months of life going to be canoeing?
Anonymous
Grandpa isn’t dying. It’s just probably his last canoe trip. There’s no indication that Grandpa is any closer to the end of life than any other grandparent.
Anon
I’m an associate reading and honestly this whole culture of fear is getting really old quick. It’s like at every chance someone’s suggesting your job’s on the line, even for the most minute of mistakes. The more I hear it, the less I care about it. Those people just become white noise. I actually feel sorry for the partners that I work with who are like this, and that pity makes it pretty hard to respect them.
anon
Cool. Ignore it all you want. I’m giving perspective from my own experience–not trying to create a “culture of fear.” I don’t condone this attitude, and I’m not in big law anymore–shocking! There’s a connection there. But whining that you don’t like it doesn’t change reality. Sticking your head in the sand and saying you’re tired of hearing something is an asinine way to assess a situation.
Anon
You know that the people here giving this advice are just trying to help you, right? They’re telling you the way the world actually operates, it doesn’t mean that they don’t believe it should change. Ignore at your own risk.
Anonymous
+1. There is so much anger out here in response to the senior folks who are trying to paint an accurate picture of the culture. If you don’t like the culture, find another market that suits your work personality better. Just know that you will give up the super high salary. This is exactly why people choose different career paths.
Anonymous
This is the path that you chose. Others don’t have to choose it. If you are one of the women in their late 30s who posts here about being lonely because you have no partner and no friends and aren’t close with your family, and are contemplating freezing your eggs because time is running out for you? Maybe develop some self-awareness that your life is not that enviable outside of your career success, which matters more to some people than it does to others.
Anonymous
Anon and 12:01pm, that’s exactly what you should be doing. The same women who are responding here on this thread are living their entire lives from a place of fear. They hoard money because they live their lives in fear. They dump guys and friends and cut off with their families because they live their lives in fear. Over time, their lives will become narrower and narrower, and sadder and sadder, until one day they either die alone, or they look around and realize their mistakes, hopefully with enough time to correct them. If someone goes on a trip to be with their grandfather and gets fired for it, that firing is probably the best thing that could happen to them. These people that are doing the same “oooohhh, you’re gonna get in TROUBLE” thing that they probably did on the playground in the 3rd grade are doing so because they haven’t figured out that life is not a ladder – it’s a jungle gym. They think there’s one path to success or happiness and if you’re not on the path they’ve chosen, there’s no hope for you. Except they’re not happy – that’s apparent every time they post. So, anyone who doesn’t want to end up a member of the Sad Gal club, it’s easy: make different choices than the Sad Gals posting here like taking a trip with family is the literal end of the world.
Anonymous
So, I am a biglaw senior associate and I have taken an off-the-grid trip over a weekend. I wasn’t working on anything urgent, I let people know something like 2 months in advance (with reminders 1 month and 2 weeks out), and it was fine. Plenty of people were excited for me and openly jealous. I also take real vacations twice a year where I check email twice a day but don’t do any heavy lifting.
I say this because – it is possible to carve out time. But you have to do it carefully and responsibly and with a lot of advanced planning. At my level, I can anticipate the needs of my matters and either handle them or assign them to someone before I leave. As a junior, you can’t necessarily do that, so you need to work very closely with your superiors to figure out how to accommodate your absence.
Frankly this goes doubly for holidays. Everyone has plans that are just as important and valid as your plans. When I have to staff a matter over the holidays, I cobble together enough people so that everyone has a day or at least an afternoon off with their family. If someone basically no-shows on me, that means their work has to get redistributed, which means someone else is missing out on seeing their dying grandparents, far-flung family, baby’s first Thanksgiving, etc. When you’re working on a team, your actions affect other people.
Anonymous
” it is possible to carve out time. But you have to do it carefully and responsibly and with a lot of advanced planning. ”
“When you’re working on a team, your actions affect other people.”
+ 1million to these. It’s not about saying OP can never take 3 days off, it’s about telling OP that she shouldn’t be a jerk about it by pulling a last minute stunt like this. Plan your $hit better.
Never too many shoes...
So much this.
Anon
This really gets to part of OP’s attitude yesterday that really rubbed me the wrong way. Yes, everybody else is planning to work through the long weekend, but that doesn’t mean they’d rather be with their families, too. OP thinks she has some moral high ground over these people and really she’s just screwing them over.
Anonymous
Exactly. If I’m the Senior Associate on a file like this and I was really looking forward to having all of Sunday off with my family and now I have to cover for this junior? I’d be super pissed.
Anonymous
I commented elsewhere but I wanted to mention one thing that I think underlies this comment – yes, management should know that the holiday is coming up and they should have reached out to their team to confirm availability well in advance, certainly by early this week. Especially when you have juniors on your team who might not fully understand the expectations yet. If I know I need people to work over a holiday, I’m talking to them about it ASAP, and I’m canvassing my group to drag in some extra bodies to provide relief for a couple hours here and there. But not everyone does that, and they’re not going to fault themselves if OP is “suddenly” unavailable.
Anon
Yeah, that’s just not at all how law firms work. The expectation is that if you haven’t told your team otherwise and it’s not the middle of the night, you’re always on-call to do work (it can be done remotely in most cases). Hopefully you won’t have to, but working a weekend or holiday is not so rare that it requires some sort of advance notice from your employer.
Anonymous
As I said in my last sentence, if this goes sideways, your bosses aren’t going to blame themselves, they’re going to blame you. I just want to acknowledge the underlying sentiment here which seems to be – but shouldn’t your boss give you a heads-up if they expect you to work a holiday? Yes, they should, I totally agree. But they usually don’t, and when you’re junior you have to learn to cope with that. When you’re the boss, treat others better than you were treated.
Anonymous
It’s not like she’s being expected to work Christmas. Do people confirm advance availability for MLK day? Cdn Thanksgiving is not a major holiday.
Anonymous
I’m the person you’re responding to – yes I would absolutely confirm availability over MLK weekend/Memorial Day/Labor Day/etc. If schools are closed then I assume someone on my team is going to be in a childcare bind. If it’s a long weekend, I assume someone (everyone?) on my team has things they planned to do that weekend. So I communicate and do my best to help people plan their work and free time because being a good boss that people like to work for is important to me. To me, this is what best practices looks like in a law firm environment. You’re going to have to work hard, but you don’t have to constantly martyr yourself at the last minute.
Triangle Pose
You’re just wrong. It was obvious she had to work that weekend, no one needed to tell her. She said it was a hot file. If you have a deal heating up or a court deadline you are expected to work and be available. Partner does not have to affirmatively tell you. This is obvious to any BigLaw associate.
The fact that it’s a minor holiday weekend/grandfather/annual trip, hoenstly, all of that is honestly irrelevant here. She should have given more than 2 and a half day’s notice (as in she should have told them about trip months ago, if it’s an annual trip) and presented a plan to only be unplugged for the canoeing part and she should have done that weeks ago, as soon it became probably this hot file would continue to be hot.
Never too many shoes and the anonymous BigLaw senior associate are both spot on here.
Capsule Wardrobe Help
What are your recommendations / inspirations / guidelines in creating a capsule wardrobe for work and casual clothes? (Other than the basics section of this site?)
I’m in my late 20s, just started working in Biglaw (business formal, although not THE most formal of business formal) in a new-to-me Northeastern city that has all four distinct seasons, and my wardrobe has to date consisted of black suiting suits (BR, Ann Taylor) and monochrome dresses for work + jeans and sweatshirts / t shirts / some blouses. It’s getting boring and I would like to up my game a bit without spending a complete fortune.
I fit into BR, Loft, and Ann Taylor comfortably, but Boss, Theory, or Armani is too tight on my straight frame (some brands I have tried on at department stores).
anon
Start by looking at what you have. Which things do you wear most? Do you reach most often for pieces of a certain cut or color? If there is one that you look and feel good in, make a not of that. Do it both for bright colors and neutrals.
Now check the things you aren’t wearing as much (unless for special occasion). Are there perfectly good items that just match none or only one other item so that’s why you often don’t wear them? Say you have two tops in a crazy print, and they don’t really go with anything – could you shop explicitly for a pair of jeans that would go with them? If you need a new piece, instead of aimlessly browsing, go for your core cuts and colors.
That said, this kind of strategic approach might not be right for you, based on the fact you said you are bored right now. The way I see it, a capsule wardrobe is about curating things to mix and match as much as possible, and largely stick to some core looks so you can wear most of your closet and don’t have to think too much. That just might not be enough variation for others.
Anonymous
I would pick a base color other than black and look for suiting in it, and buy a couple of pairs of shoes to go with it. Grey, navy, something to take a break from the black. I would also look for blouses in colors or prints or with details you really like. Switching from the standard interview look to pairing your black suiting with something more personal really helps. Finally, consider a patterned jacket that you can toss over solid black pants or a skirt. It will also give you a visual break from the solids.
Anon
I am going to get a new iPhone (the 11). I’m on verizon, and I am open to switching carriers but would need to keep my number (on a family plan with my husband).
I also have an 18 month old, so I think I should get insurance of some sort, although I haven’t had it before. Should I buy the phone from the Apple store and get apple care through them? Something else?
Gail the Goldfish
At the very least, I’d recommend an Otterbox case. I drop my phone not infrequently, sometimes on hard surfaces, and it’s totally fine (it’s also a Galaxy, not an iPhone, and I feel like they have more durable screens, but still).
anon
+1
coffee
Does anyone know where to find short sweaters, like waist length? I have a couple skirts that I like to wear this kind of “cropped” sweater with, but it’s hard to search for them because I don’t want belly showing crop tops, just short sweaters. Has anyone seen these lately or have any tips for finding them?
Thanks!
coffee
Looking for something like this but not see thru:
https://www.loft.com/chevron-cropped-sweater/511121?skuId=28078371&defaultColor=2529&catid=catl000012&selectedColor=2529
Anon
Search for Eliza J bolero on this site circa 2013ish? Anyone else remember that discussion?
Go for it
Try on petite sizes, you may have to go up one size to accommodate. Buy for fit.
Anon
I think most sweaters sold these days are fairly short. I just ordered some from Banana Republic that went right back because they’re very short and boxy.
Lizbet
Boden cropped cashmere cardigans are awesome.
Anonymous
Those who are no longer in abusive relationships (physical, mental, emotional, financial..) How did you move on and into new, trusting long term relationships?
I lived with an abusive partner many years ago and feel like with new accesses to information and discussions around abuse, that I really realize how insidious it all was. I went to therapy shortly after and felt that helped immensely. However, every now and then I feel triggered (is it a kind a of PTSD? How do I get beyond that?). For example, I’ll see a color that I don’t often see but maybe he had a pair of pants and I’ll remember the pants, remember shopping, remember some sort of uncomfortable incident and feel (unreasonably, I know) that I should have known or recognized what was happening and get out of the relationship.
It took a while to get out of it and I’ve had short-term partners since but either I’m attracting the same/similar type–passes and convinces me they’re decent/kind/calm, but they’re not. I guess those are other issues–trust and how to discern who is trustworthy. Sigh.
Anon
Yes, the last issue is your biggest issue. You probably need to work through with a counselor why you are either attracted to those types, or overlook the red flags. Or maybe you need to figure out what those red flags actually are; they are extremely subtle.
My suggestion is to stop dating while you recover. Take a year or two off dating, get grounded, get some counseling, think about the traits you like in your solid, kind friends, and figure out how to assess potential dates for character.
anon
Hmmmm…..I was in an abusive marriage, got divorced after 4 years, and it’s now 9 years later and I’m dating someone great. I totally understand what you mean with the pants color comment. I find that at the beginning of a new relationship is the hardest time for me now – there’s something about the vulnerability that brings up a lot of old memories. And, I find I’m really anxious wondering if something bad is going to happen. Unlike you, though, I have only been attracted to very kind and gentle men since my experience, so, if you find you are attracted to people and then, after a few months, realize they have some abusive tendencies, I’d encourage you to keep seeing a therapist, or, just take a break from dating and focus on building great relationships with good friends. It takes a while to rewire your brain – there’s no shame in that! And, as the person above mentioned, the red flags can be subtle – it can be worth spending time with a therapist to learn what those are. I also found reading the book “Attached” helped me a lot, even though it’s not about abusive relationships particularly – I’m “anxious” in their terminology, and my marriage made me more so, and reading the book helped me recognize a lot about who is and isn’t a good partner for me. Best of luck to you! I find life just keeps getting better and better, and wish that for you as well!
Anon
Therapy. And I’m still going a year and a half later.
Anon
I think the biggest thing I had to relearn is to trust my “gut”. Years after getting out of an abusive relationship, I still get flashbacks of moments where I was accused by my ex of being too proud or not trusting or compromising enough – in retrospect these were all instances of my brain telling me I am being forced to do or be okay with something unreasonable and trying to fight back. I now listen to these instincts. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to screen people for psychopathic tendencies right off the bat because they are so good at pretending. This is where getting set up by friends or getting to know a new beau’s family really helps. If the people around your person of interest are at ease with them, that’s a really great sign.
The other important aspect of healing is to let go of the idea that you’re “damaged goods” which we internalize deeply after being terrorized and berated by someone so close to us. If you feel like you’re less worthy, you will be unconsciously looking for other “damaged” people which is a recipe for an unhealthy relationship (ask me how I know).
Good luck and happy healing. I cannot believe how many women (and men too!) have been through an abusive relationship and it really makes me wonder how skin deep civility really is.
Anonymous
The trust your gut point is so important. Relatedly – avoid talking about your relationships with those friends that are quick to tell you/women that you should be more accommodating to men. You don’t need other people confirming that little voice in your head that says, maybe I’m being too hard on him, he seems so nice. Fwiw, I basically don’t talk to my married/LTR friends about new guys. My friends aren’t bad or anti-feminist or anything, they just have a different perspective on relationships. When you’re married, you can’t approach every disagreement like it’s divorce-worthy. But that’s super not the case when you’re just meeting someone. If it’s under the one year mark and I get a bad feeling, or I’m uncertain about you, or we’re consistently butting heads on something, I’m probably cutting it off.
Anonanonanon
I’m re-married now, and my husband is very understanding of what I think of as “quirks” now. I also used my bad first marriage to learn what I truly value/need to feel like a whole, safe, independent person.
He has never once pressured me to combine bank accounts or share credit cards, without ever having to have a conversation about why, because he knew enough to know I needed that independence to feel safe. We finally combined phone plans and he immediately said I should be the primary account holder (I had to get my ex husband’s permission to move my phone line off our joint account when I was trying to flee the marriage. as in the store made me call and ask him in front of them. the other option was to change my number, but I had applied to jobs). He doesn’t use social media, so there’s no risk of “who is this so and so that liked your post?” or “why did you post that photo of yourself? who are you trying to impress?”. He has a lurker account now that we have children, because he likes to see the cute photos I choose to share in my stories, and never reacts negatively if I post an attractive photo of myself. If I ask if something is too tight etc., he always says “I’m never going to say yes to that! Let the world see what you’ve got!” rather than making me feel like I’m doing something wrong if I want to feel attractive out in the world. He never asks who I’m texting, or asks for too many details about the night if I go out to meet a friend for a drink. He doesn’t get mad or offended if I go to catch up with a friend instead of spend time with him. In fact, he is usually happy to stay in and watch some kind of action movie I wouldn’t want to watch. He celebrates my career accomplishments, and doesn’t diminish positive feedback I get from men in the workplace by insinuating they “just want to hook up with you”. He doesn’t think he’s a hero for putting the kids to bed once in a while or taking them out on the weekend while I get a haircut, anymore than I’d think I was a hero for doing the same. He doesn’t even do any of this intentionally, these things aren’t a “show” to him. He doesn’t get overly defensive and turn the conversation to how awful I am if I ask him to do something differently, or express disappointment about something.
I mention these because opposite behavior would be red flags for me in a big way.
caramia
OMG you have just defined what it means to be in a healthy relationship and as someone who has bounced around from bad to worse thanks to narcissistic parents, I can‘t thank you enough for this lovely, eloquent blast of SANITY…
all the hugs!
Senior Attorney
Yes, this.
I semi-jokingly called it “relationship PTSD” when I was first dating my lovely current husband. Something would happen, and I’d think “OMG with Evil Husband this would have been a huge fight,” and with him it was just… not anything. It took a very long time and a fair amount of therapy to get used to it but it was totally worth it.
Cat
I’m trying to become more mindful with my shopping rather than “oh I have some downtime at work, let’s see if there’s anything good at the Bloomie’s F&F sale.” Advice on something I could use to replace that instinct? There’s only so many times I can do a lap and chat with colleagues…
Anon
Take yourself outside around a couple blocks? I’m a firm believer in taking a break to get some fresh (smoggy NYC) air and stretch a bit.
ElisaR
going on corporette.com
pugsnbourbon
+1. Ha!
Lifehacker and Longform.org are also good spots to spend time.
Vicky Austin
Oh look it’s me
Abby
lol this. I read money diaries, luxe strategist, check the news, pick out a new recipe I want to cook. I set a “no shopping” mentality for the year, and it helped a lot.
Anonanonanon
Rent the Runway membership. Going through and adding items to my hearts list, planning imaginary outfits, etc. satisfies the shopping instinct.
no
what is the equivalent of apartment therapy for houses? I like that they show real people’s places while most house decor websites are too formal and omit real details to get the perfect picture. (e.g., no curtains on any windows, removing computer/phone wires, etc.)
Anon
AT has houses on it. It’s gone downhill though, lots of clickbait and a large number of articles about Chip & Joanna Gaines that they claim they’re not paid for… blech.
Anonymous
This board has discussed microblading a lot but what do you think of the new brow lamination trend? I think I have the perfect brows for it (naturally thick and somewhat bushy, but uneven in some places and hair grows in different directions- often brow gel can’t even tame it). But I can’t decide if I like it? In some photos I think wow that looks awesome sign me up, in others it looks really bizarre. I’m not sure what is causing the difference.
Anon
which are the pull on pants from uniqlo that have been recommended her a few times and how does sizing run?
Original Moonstone
EZY Ankle Pants. I find the sizing unpredictable. I am short with a 30-inch waist and the medium fits me well. I think they are meant to hang loosely, but since I am not a willowy teenager that does not happen.
Anonymous
I wear the ezy ankle pants almost every day. I have a 26-27” waist, and big hips (at least 38”) and the smalls fit me well but they are a little snug. I have a few pairs in medium and they fit looser in the hips, but the waist is a little too big and I’m not about to take $40 pants to the tailor.
BR
Fashion question: How egregious is tights with peep-toe shoes? Going to the theater tonight and will be wearing white & black dress with red belt and red peep-toe pumps…can I add black tights? Does it make a (fashion) difference if the tights are opaque or sheer? TIA!
Anon
Huge don’t in my book.
anon
nope, wouldn’t look right….peep toe pumps are for toes with pedicures, not black tights. If you want to wear tights, you need booties
Anon
You don’t need booties, I think other closed toe shoes would work.
Anonymous
I love that look, as long as the tights don’t have the extra/thicker toe part.
Vicky Austin
I think nude hose would fly, especially if it will be cold. But if it will be cold enough that you absolutely need black tights, then I would wear different shoes.
Anon
Big nope.
Anonymous
The advice above is dated. Take a look at some fashion mags/ photo galleries. Tights and peep toes are on point. The red and black sound very chic. You will look fab!
Anon
This advice is outdated! Tights and peep toes pumps are terrible.
Anon
Almost anything can be trendy and on point if styled right and worn with massive amounts of confidence. This is like the socks and sandals trend – if a fashionable person does it, it’s fashion. If I do it, I look like a dummy.
For us mere mortals, tights and peep toes are a no no.
ElisaR
sorry but no
Batgirl
I think this is a bad look but I also wouldn’t care so much as to freeze over it. Just do you.
Skipper
I feel like _maybe_ you could make it work with a more fashion-y color pallet: purple tights and green shoes or something. In general, though, I think that’s more of a strappy block heel sandal look than a peep toe look. But black tights with red peep toes and red belted black and white dress feels extremely Homeschool Kids at Swing Dance Mixer to me. If your look is vintage, maybe try fishnets?
Anon
That is such a perfect description! This sounds terrible all around. OP, I’d rethink the red belt too.
Anon asking about NYSC
Does anyone have a membership to New York Sports Club and if so, are classes included in the monthly price? I can’t get a clear answer from the website. If classes are included in the membership, is there a cap on how many you can do in a month? I’m in a serious slump and think having the option of classes would help me. I’m not a big class person but I do love spinning and kickboxing (two of the most expensive niche workouts, of course). I’d ideally like to do 2-3 classes a week on top of other workouts on my own thrown in.
Anon
I was a member of the Washington Sports Club and yes, classes were included, just like other gyms I’ve gone to. The popular classes (on the weekends especially) you had to sign up for in advance.
anon
What are your favorite duck boots? I’m looking for a pair to wear on cold rainy days and when working in my muddy backyard. Thanks in advance!
Anon
So my favorite gardening shoes are…Keds. I know it sounds crazy, but they make a waterproof sneaker boot, and it’s SO comfortable. Boots can be too much, ya know?, when you’re gardening and you’re squatting and bending and reaching, so it’s nice to have the flexibility of a sneaker. https://www.keds.com/en/women-styles-boots/?rst=scout
And they make a few of them with Thinsulate linings!
Anonymous
I like LLBean for duck boots, but I would not recommend duck boots for yard work. I have a cheap pair of pull-on rain boots from Target for that.
Sunscreen Recs
Recommendations for affordable sunscreen that SO and I could share? Preference for non-sticky ones that are easy to spread and are easy to cleanse off at the end of the day. Clarins was good but a bit hard to spread and $$$ expensive; we’ve liked the spread and price of some Japanese drugstore brands like Biore UV or Shiseido when we visited, but they were a bit sticky (so much more expensive here!).
Anonymous
Kiehls Ultra Facial Moisturizer is a good everyday option that works under makeup.
Anonymous
I really like la Roche Posay anthelios sunscreen. A tiny bit goes a far way. It isn’t sticky and doesn’t give a gray cast to the skin for tan complexions and my blue eye-red hair friend swears by it.
anon
+1 to LRP. I buy the Euro version only b/c of better UVA/UVB protection and my DH kept stealing mine, so now I order enough for both of us.
Anon
I don’t know if this is considered expensive, but the Supergoop Everyday Sunscreen is not sticky (and works well under makeup- just give it a couple minutes to soak in).
anon in brooklyn
And for the Supergoop Everyday Sunscreen, we love the big pump of it. Having that out on our counter really helps us remember to apply it.
Anon
I bought this on Prime Day and wasn’t impressed. Still pretty thick and greasy to use on your face.
Ness
Avene,
this is the last one I have bought
https://www.aveneusa.com/skin-care/sun-care/mineral-sunscreen-fluid-spf-50
Anonymous
My husband likes Neutragena Dry Touch.
Anonymous
My two favorites: Nivea Sun Protect Super Water Gel and Canmake Mermaid Skin UV (ridiculous name but an AMAZING SPF)
anonchicago
What jeans brands do women wear now? I’m 30s, tall, and need a curvy cut. Would like some nice pairs to wear to work or date night. I tend to stick with one brand for a few years. For a long time it was Limited or Gap, lately it’s Ann Taylor but I’m not loving their jeans lately.
anon
Athleta
Anon
J Crew
Anonymous
I’m not sure about the tall part, but I love Lucky jeans for curves (5’5″ hourglass)
Anon
I’m late 30s, a curvy 14, and Talbot’s is my go-to. (I’m a 12 there.)
Anon
Madewell! I’m also 30s, tall, and have a curvy athletic build.
Anon
+1000000000 to Madewell!
anon
+2 to Madewell, love my pair (early 40s).
Casper
Love Madewell’s curvy cut!
Blueberries
Everlane! They’re as close to 100% cotton as I’ve been able to find at a decent price point and hold up super well.
Cat
if you have the budget, I love AG and rag & bone jeans for my pear shape.
NOLA
I’m not curvy (straight up and down through the hips and thighs) but I wear Levi’s 311s and I have given some to friends who were much curvier than I am and they have fit. I have some rag & bone, but they are so hit or miss for me. Found some I loved, but others just don’t fit me or don’t have as much stretch.
Anonymous
I just bought some Old Navy curvy fit dark wash bootcut jeans that I love. Bootcut looks so much better and balances out my curves. Glad its coming back.
BabyAssociate
Everlane, but it might take a couple tries to get the sizing right. I swore Madewell off after my last pair essentially disintegrated after not even 6 months. Such a waste of money.
Skipper
How do you think of years of experience when you’re changing fields? I’ve got ten years of experience in Field A, but I’ve gone back to school to get a degree in Field B. Field A has around 70% overlap with Field B. I don’t think entry level is totally appropriate, but I’m not sure how not entry level is appropriate. Do y’all have thoughts?
Anon
Hard to say without knowing the fields, but I’d expect to start entry-level, probably.
Anon
Go by the job description and determine if you are capable of meeting about 80% of the requirements.
anon
or just 60%! Like men do.
Anon
Does anyone know if my husband can use his HSA to pay medical expenses for our children? They’re on my insurance plan.
NYC Girl
Not an expert on this, but believe HSA can be used to pay for medical expenses for anyone within the same immediate family that are not otherwise covered by health insurance. Googling seems to confirm this.
Anon.
I don’t think he can.
Anon
You definitely can. “Dependent” in this case means tax dependent, not insurance dependent. Assuming your children are under 18, live at home, etc. and you claim them as dependents on your tax returns, they are your dependents for HSA *spending* purposes. On the other hand, HSA *funding* is based on who is your dependent in the insurance sense, so your husband can only fund his HSA for himself, not any dependents since he has no dependents in the insurance sense.
anon
I have my first call with a head hunter in a couple of hours. I’m not seriously considering moving, and she knows that. What are standard questions to ask?
anonymous
Someone talk me into or out of this as a office holiday party dress:
https://poshmark.com/listing/ALICE-OLIVIA-Lace-Chiffon-Draped-Cocktail-Dress-5d72afd19ed36d27a5045dcc?utm_source=criteo&utm_source=criteo&ad_partner=criteo&utm_campaign=115205
emeralds
I think it’s a really pretty dress but it reads as sensual to me, which is not a bad thing–it’s just not what I would want to project at an office party.
Anon
Agreed. Although it’s not revealing, it reads as revealing and sensual.
Anon
Maybe I’m a prude but I think it’s pretty revealing! Maybe not in the b00b sense but it looks like it would show a lot of thigh and a lot of midriff. Definitely not something I’d want to wear around coworkers.
Anonymous
It’s practically backless. Wildly inappropriate
Anonymous
Agreed. This is a dress that we’d gossip about afterwards.
anon
Pretty dress but maybe too much for a work event, even a holiday party. Something about the tulle, skin colour/lace combo and the skin showing back that says NOPE for work.
Anonymous
OMG, no. It looks like something from a TV show where the contestants have an hour to make a dress out of fabric remnants and pins.
Anon
Hahaha. That was basically my thought but you said it better.