Thursday’s Workwear Report: Agatha Organic Cotton Top

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1. My husband and I are going to Costa Rica for about 10 days in April. It seems like there’s so much to do and so many different places to go! What are your recs for Costa Rica–activities, locations, hotels, restaurants. Open to any and all advice–thanks!

   1. Tabacon. Go for a night or two. It’s like nothing else. Do not go to Tamarindo.

      1. I wasn’t crazy about Tabacon, and much preferred staying in smaller hotels in the area (we did both). A night or two might be fun though. I would make sure to divide my time between the northern (Arenal/Monteverde) area and one of the coasts. (Both coasts if you have lots of time, but traveling between them takes a bit of time.) Malpais/Santa Teresa on the Nicoya peninsula were probably my favorite – small surf towns with stunning beaches. I could easily have spent a week there. I’ve also always wanted to go to the more remote southwestern part. I’ve heard recommendations to avoid Jaco.

         The Caribbean coast is very different (different cuisine, different vibe) but also great. I loved Punta Uva and Manzanillo. I would avoid Puerto Viejo.

   2. I think most people stick to the north- going to Monteverde and Arenal areas (parks, hiking, birds and wildlife, volcano . . . ), and I’d say if you stuck to that area, you’ll have a wonderful time. You can also pick either east or west coast for beach time, if you like that. When I went, I spent a few days in Drake Bay, in the southwest. It is more work to get to, but I stayed in a little cabin right on the bay, with access to kayaks, day trips for hikes and other activities, and all your meals included. It was a wonderful retreat and very relaxing. Pro tip- before dinner, when the guests are all milling around by the pool, find out who went on the fishing excursion that day and sit next to them at dinner. The kitchen will be serving up what they caught, and there will be more than they can possibly eat. You want to be within arm’s reach when they look for someone to help eat their catch.

      Have a wonderful time!

   3. We are going there too this summer! Please report back with trip details/advice, etc if you can! Will be following this thread too!

      1. Summer is the rainy season. Keep that in mind if you’re planning lots of outdoor activities.

   4. Just got back from a week there last week! If you do go to Tamarindo, recommend Capitan Suizo – it’s lovely and off of the main drag a bit so it doesn’t feel quite so Cancun-y. We preferred our time in Nosara – stayed at Hotel Harmony which was amazing, but there were lots of places that looked nice there. We flew in and out of Liberia and also spent some time in the mountains – Boriquinen Hotel, which was fine but nothing special. Really enjoyed the hikes we did there, though, and there’s ziplining and horseback riding and what not if you’re into that. We rented a car and the driving was fine – slow at times because the roads were in bad shape – but totally doable.

   5. I just got back from CR. It was amazing! We flew into Liberia. We spent 2 nights at a hotel on the beach in Guanacaste at Playa Hermosa. Then we drove to Manuel Antonio for 4 nights in a VRBO. We did a guided tour of the national park and rafting at the Savenge. We also spent time at the beach. Then we drove up to Monteverde for 3 nights in another hotel. We did a guided night hike, zip lining, and a day of hiking on our own. If you post a burner email I can sent more info on specific tours, hotels, etc. It’s an amazing place but planning the trip was overwhelming for me because there is so much to do.

   6. Stay the minimum in San José, no really nice and no really safe (oposite of the rest of the country). We did only the night in and the night out. The last day we wake up really early to see a “nearby” volcano (Poas) before taking the flight.
      Our itinerary was something like this:
      NP Tortuguero (between June and Sept you could see the birth of the litle turtles in the beach by night, is magical but be rrespectful)
      NP Cahuita. Puerto Viejo and Limón. Totally different from the rest of the country both landscapes and people. All with a caribean vibe. (try the pargo, delicious and all the caribean style dishes with coconut milk. It was the place were I tried the tastier fresh coconuts in my life)
      NP Volcan arenal
      NP Manuel Antonio (amazing beaches but be careful with the litle monkeys stealing your things)
      NP Rincon de la Vieja
      In Puntarenas “Reserva Biológica Bosque Nuboso Monteverde” (we did a private “bird watching route” with a ornitologist and it was really worthy).
      With 10 days I will chose 3 places: Tortuguero, Monteverde and Cahuita.
      It is really beautifull but I was a bit disapointed as (for me) everything was a bit to much domesticated.

2. I am strictly anti-tobacco. I told my BF this and he assured me he doesn’t smoke or chew. Last week, I went on a huge cleaning binge (yay new year!) and found a pack of cigarettes buried in my sock drawer. I showed it to him, he turned white, stammered an apology… Turns out he does smoke from time to time and he’s tried to kick it for years, he says he had it in his pocket months ago and panicked and hid it and forgot. We don’t live together yet but it’s been several months and he’s floated the idea of marriage. I am upset (honestly, I feel like the character who finds Bradley Coopers stash in that movie with Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Aniston – blanking on the name).

   He apologized for lying, hiding it, and for damaging my trust in him. Do I just dump him now? Any advice?

   1. I think your BF told you he doesn’t use tobacco because he doesn’t consider himself a regular user and probably because he intended/intends to quit the occasional habit (which maybe he has?). You’re of course allowed to have whatever deal breakers you want in a relationship, but I *personally* am of the belief that you can’t unilaterally make decisions about things your partner will or won’t do (smoke, exercise, etc.) – they have to be joint decisions as part of your partnerships where you come up with joint values (monogamy, finances, etc.). Clearly you value not using tobacco but maybe he doesn’t hold that same value as strongly (or doesn’t view occasional use the same way you do) – if you just force him to say he’ll never smoke, you’re just going to encourage him to further do it in secret. I’d air this out more and let him decide what he wants to do about it – does he want to continue to occasionally smoke, does he want to stop and could use your support in that, or has he already stopped and this is really an old pack from before he met you. Do you want this issue to bring you closer and be something you can be honest about or do you want it to be a wedge between you? If you think he’s otherwise he’s shady, then by all means dump him, but if he was genuinely trying to please you and just did it in a dumb way, I’d let this go.

      1. +1 to this. I am a former smoker and if someone asks me if I use tobacco, I would say no. BUT if you go into my car, you will find a pack of cigarettes that I bought in January 2021, when I quit drinking as a back-up for when I needed a fix of something. I would never smoke them now (bc nasty), but there they are because for some reason I haven’t thrown them out. I smoked maybe two of them over the course of a month after I bought them. I then had a mini panic attack on NYE (2021/2022) and bummed one from a friend and that was that. Some years I have zero, some years I have one, some years I might have two, but I would say no if someone asked me if I used tobacco. If someone wanted to break up with me over this because they are anti-tobacco, that would be fine with me, but I think it would be cutting off their nose to spite their face. I know smoking is gross and bad for me. But I also think a lot of other things people do are gross and bad for them. However, I understand people are flawed and that they aren’t perfect.

         Alll of that said, you of course can decide this is a dealbreaker for you, but if all other things in this relationship are great, as your friend, I would silently think you were being short sighted.

         1. This is a great response to OP!

            1. Thank you. After re-reading my post, I want to add that OP may also want to think about why this incident has caused her to rethink an entire relationship that was headed towards marriage. Perhaps there are other issues that are lurking under the surface that haven’t been addressed and this is the final nail in the coffin? I don’t know, of course, but it seems like the bf has remorse about hiding/lying this. My answer would have been different if he had doubled down on not doing anything wrong and doing something like gas-lighting the OP about it. My bf is also staunchly anti-tobacco. Her now husband was a smoker when they met. He promised to quit before they had kids. He did, although the vaping transition period lasted longer than she would have liked. However, she would not be divorcing him over smoking one cigarette outside without their kid around even if he wasn’t immediately honest about it, you know? That makes me think something deeper is going on here.

               anon at 8:53

            2. Yeah, I would agree with anon here. I’m not really a smoker, but I’ve definitely bummed a cigarette off a friend when stressed and I have former smoker friends who’ve done the same. It’s definitely not healthy, and we’d all call ourselves non-smokers. If someone I was dating decided this was a dealbreaker, I’d say that was fine, but I’d also suspect there was more to it.

         2. This. I would never say I’m a smoker, but (before covid) if I was meeting up with girlfriends for a concert or for drinks, I would bum a cigarette or two. This would be literally maybe 4 cigarettes a year, total.
            Frankly I think there are a lot of other behaviors a lot worse than an occasional cigarette here and there, but again, you get to draw your own boundaries.

         3. A relative of mine smoked for 40 years and when he finally listened to his doctor, he threw away all his cigarettes — except he kept one pack in his sock drawer. He never, ever used it — but psychologically it helped him knowing that they were there. Here’s the thing — you didn’t know he was smoking til you found this out and confronted him, which says that you didn’t smell it on his breath, clothes, etc. and it sounds that it’s VERY occasional. I am majorly grossed out by cigarette smoke, but if I can’t smell it, it’s kind of like the tree that falls in the forest.

      2. Completely agree with this.

         That said, I’ve had a relapse or two here and there and if having a strictly tobacco-free life is a deal point for you, then yeah, I think you should give serious consideration to breaking things off because otherwise you will be pissy with him if/when he slips and that’s no way to run a marriage.

      3. He’s a liar. How can you trust him about anything else?

   2. Ya’ll this is my morning rant – I am just not feeling it today. I’m randomly up a pound (I know, water weight probs) even though I’ve been exercising and watching my diet, weirdly didn’t sleep well last night, have to do laundry (my least favorite chore involving quarters and walking down my walk up apartment).
      I have a 9:30am meeting but I just really need something to get me going and give me some motivation today.

      1. SAME, right down to the 9:30 meeting and needing something to get me going this morning. It’s dark, cold and wet outside, work is exhausting me, family members have COVID and I am just really down. Part of me wishes I could lay in bed all day, even though I know that wouldn’t really help my mood any.

   3. Did his apartment smell smoky? If not, I believe he’s a social smoker trying to stop even that (which I’d be OK with). Spouse has the occasional cigar and I don’t consider him a smoker and he’s candid on life insurance applications and when they don’t care, I don’t think it matters that much (actuarily). You can decide if it matters to you. I’d not couple up with an inside pack-a-day smoker, but am obviously OK with a weekly social smoke. You get to draw your own lines.

   4. “Smokes from time to time” could mean a lot of things. Maybe he’s making good progress and will kick it for good, maybe he’ll fall off the band wagon, maybe he’ll think about quitting but never fully do it. I’d need to get to know him better to figure out the true scenario and in the long term, only time will tell if he quits for good. But if this is your deal breaker you don’t have to invest any more time in this. Doesn’t matter if he’s truly sorry and is otherwise a good boyfriend. Drugs are a common deal breaker so if you know this is unacceptable for you, I’d move on now. I say this as a former smoker who keeps a pack in my drawer “in case of emergency”.

   5. The only thread I’d pull on is why is it in YOUR sock drawer if you don’t live together? Do you mean a drawer of your stuff at his house? Or at your house? If it’s at his place, it doesn’t change much, but if it’s been stashed at your house while he knows you’re anti-tobacco, that raises a few more questions for me. He really panicked and hid it in YOUR sock drawer? That seems… misguided at best and like a barely functioning teenager who sees you as his strict mom at the worst.

      1. That’s where I’m confused too, why were the cigs in her sock drawer if they don’t live together? I get having a drawer at your partner’s place, but a drawer just for socks? Does she have a whole dresser there? In that case, they do practically live together, even if she still has a residence separate from his.

      2. Looking at these late – I see the confusion; it was in MY sock drawer at MY apartment.

   6. If you felt like he was the person you couldn’t live without, I don’t think you’d be so fixated on something pretty minor. While I agree you get to have whatever dealbreakers you want, this seems more like searching for an excuse to end things for all the reasons the other occasional smokers have mentioned. Second the comment about something else is going on here.

      1. Concur here for sure

      2. Agreed.

         I fully believe everyone is entitled to their own dealbreakers (so long as they accept the consequences of them – aka a smaller dating pool, etc), but to me (I’m also very anti smoking – of any kind), this seems a) extreme and b) like this is about way more than smoking.

         I also have many, many friends (mostly men, but not exclusively) who are the occasional social/drunk cigarette smoker. All of whom consider themselves non-smokers. Even in college, as D1 college athletes, most of my team and the associated men’s team smoked cigarettes on occasion at a party.

      3. I want to respectfully disagree that this is unlikely to be just about the smoking, or that it’s a minor concern. The OP could have lost someone close to them due to tobacco.

         1. I agree. In my family, lung cancer kills us, including a sibling within the last month. For the smokers in my family, it’s a virtual guarantee but some non-smokers, too. I have been down this road too, too many times. For me, any smoking would be a deal breaker because of the trauma I keep living.

      4. +1

   7. Maybe I’m reading it wrong but if you’ve only been dating for a few months and have already talked about marriage it seems kind of fast and furious. Maybe it feels like a betrayal because you thought you knew him better, but it takes time! It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me but maybe a sign to slow down.

   8. This story doesn’t add up. Why on earth would he hide his cigarettes in OP’s apartment, in her sock drawer no less? Looks like pot-stirring to me.

      1. I read it as he had them in his pocket, realized it when he was at her house, panicked, and hid them in a convenient spot. Smart? No. Nefarious? Probably not.

      2. Good job, Detective Anonymous.

   9. My husband smoked when we met and has re-started, on and off, with many years in between re-starts, our entire marriage. Do I like that he goes through these bouts of smoking? No, I do not. But the irritation I have about that habit (which is something he doesn’t like about himself and works on very hard, when he slips and restarts) doesn’t outweigh the rest of our marriage, which is happy and fulfilling and a partnership between equals.

      No person is perfect and no relationship is either. I peel calluses off my feet and it drives him crazy (and I admit, it’s a weird/gross habit and also likely to lead to infection, and I do try to keep it in check, plus I don’t do it around him). Smoking is dangerous and a bad habit for someone to have but I also don’t think periodic smoking is the absolute end of the world. Agree with others who have said that if the relationship is fragile enough that you’re considering ending it over this, there’s something else going on.

   10. I’m really surprised by the number of people saying this is not a big deal. Even if people consider themselves non-smokers if they just have an occasional cigarette (which I don’t get, but whatever), would you really assure someone that you don’t smoke or chew in response to someone expressing their anti-tobacco views at the start of a relationship? His failure to disclose that he has the occasional cigarette is the deal-breaker for me – its like he felt you didn’t ask the exact right question of whether he ever has a cigarette so he could hid it, whereas I want someone who I am in a relationship with to affirmatively disclose things relevant to the topic of concern. I would be worried that he hides other things from me and wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I feel I have to depose my SO to get all the facts.

       So, smoking, not a deal breaker to me. His failure to disclose that he has the occasional cigarette in response to you expressing concerns about the habit, a huge red flag to me.

   11. It depends on how important it is to you, but anecdotally, my friends who say they’re “occasional” smokers are actually pretty regular smokers – any time they have a drink, when they’re stressed, sometimes if they’re bored or just feel like it – and they go through more cigarettes than they even admit to themselves, by bumming them off another smoker or having hidden packs all over the place. My former brother in law told my sister he was only an occasional smoker but over the course of their marriage he turned into a pack a day smoker, and of course it was all her fault for stressing him out. Proud to call him my ex BIL.

       1. I think this is super social circle dependent. At least among my friends, occasional smokers are like less than a pack a YEAR smokers, if that. I’m maybe a 5-6 cigarette a year smoker. I wouldn’t ever call myself a smoker – it’s usually when it’s social and everyone is drunk at a party.

          1. Genuine question: How is it possible to be a 5-6 cigarette/year smoker? If you don’t smoke enough to get addicted, how do you build up enough of a tolerance so you don’t throw up or hack up a lung every time you smoke?

             1. I don’t have a good answer for you because it is just is this way for me. I can go years without a cigarette, and then have one and have zero issues. But then again, the only time I coughed was the very first time and it has never made me feel sick to my stomach so I guess the answer is everyone is different?

             2. Geniune question – what is the appeal of cigarettes? Don’t they just taste as gross as they smell?

             3. Non-smoker here. When I was young, some people would make a big deal out of smoking a very, very occasional cigarette or owning a pack of cigarettes because they thought it made them seem edgy.

             4. I guess it’s like alcohol. I can drink 56 proof whisky straight without an eyelash flutter. Other people would be coughing, vomiting or just doing a massive EUGH. I can drink 70 proof vodka. No heartburn, no whatever, just a little “lovely taste of juniper or rosemary”, clean taste.

   12. Would you have gone on a first date with him if knew he was a social, anxiety or special occasion smoker? And he *is* a smoker, even though it’s not a regular thing. If it’s enough that he’s “tried to kick it for years”, he’s a smoker.

       I guess I would advice you to find out what from time to time means. At what times does he smoke? If it’s a luxury he associates with celebrations, parties and special occasions, I think you will have a worse time than if it’s for stress or anxiety. If it turns out he really wants to join in with a smoke at New Year’s, at weddings, at parties etc you would have to be okay with him smelling and tasting nasty when you get home from every special occasion, or if he comes home from a night out with work or buddies. I think an anxiety smoker has more chance of truly wanting to quit, since he’ll have stress and bad feelings as the pairing with the tobacco.

3. Paging CB: I posted a lengthy reply to your question on the financials thread.

   1. Oh thanks! Will check it out now.

   2. Super helpful, thanks! I don’t/won’t make anywhere near the threshold for paying US taxes on foreign income and have a paltry university pension so hopefully it’s not too complicated. I’m PAYE so don’t file UK taxes myself, I pay the Scottish rate but need to chase it up as I work in NI but live in Scotland.
      I’ve been here 11 years, I got shamefully behind on my US taxes but am up to date now.

      1. You’re welcome! I was also shamefully behind (mainly on FBAR filing, because I didn’t realise it was *combined* $10k threshold on bank accounts to have to report those), so I’m active about telling other people that.
         Now proudly up to date. Thanks Tax-lady-who-shamed-me :D

         1. I feel like I’m lazy about it, because I will definitely never move back and have no real ties to the states (parents have left). Figure they aren’t going to go snooping around for my £40k a year.

4. I’m planning a bachelorette party for a good friend, over a 3-day weekend in Feb 2023, and would love the hive’s help. I’m looking for a place either on the East Coast or the middle of the country (or Mexico), at least 60 degrees F in Feb, with hiking/outdoors activity, some culture, food, karaoke. Open to renting a house through AirBnB or booking a resort, 7-12 women, budget max $1000 (if that’s realistic). Most women in their 30s.

   Does anyone have any thoughts? Ideally, a place where people do bachelorettes or where there are resources around. TIA!

   1. IDK any place but Miami that’s reliably 60 on the East Coast. I’m in a Carolina and a COVID camper and while I’m not in the mountains, where it is legit cold, Feb has overnights below freezing often and daytime highs are not always high. Even Savannah can be cold in Feb.

      If you can fly to Mexico, can you fly to San Diego? That’s where I’d go. Even TX can get cold snaps.

   2. New Orleans?

      1. I have been there for Feb Mardi Gras with a full winter coat, hat, gloves, scarf, etc. You just never know.

   3. $1000 a night or total? Cause you’re not going anywhere with 12 people for that. For a large group renting a house is probably your best bet if you’re budget limited.

      1. My guess was per person?

      2. This was my question. Do you mean $1000/per person all-in? $1000/per night for the hotel or house for everyone? Or $1000 per person for the hotel or house only?

   4. Given the weather constraints, south Florida is probably your best bet. You could also roll the dice on Charleston or New Orleans, but there is a chance it will be cooler than 60F in February.

      For Mexico, I would consider Cabo or Tulum.

   5. Miami, New Orleans, south Texas?

   6. We decided to go to Tulum under similar restrictions

   7. Mexico City. It’s less expensive than most US cities for housing/Airbnb’s and restaurants, but has a lot of great options for places to stay and things to do. You can hire English-speaking guides to take you of tasting tours of all types of things, including street food and pulque.

5. I’m a senior associate in a small firm, and I practice mainly transactional types of law. I share my main assistant with one of the shareholders in the office. However, due to my practice areas, I work with about 6 other paralegals and assistants regularly. I have recently become more and more frustrated with my assistant, and I’m looking to see if perhaps I’m being unreasonable or her performance and behavior is unacceptable.

   My assistant has been an assistant/paralegal at other law firms for several decades. She has worked with my firm and me for over 3 years. She routinely gives me drafts (from cover letters to simple substantive documents that she has been taught how to prepare for several years) with the same recurring typos, she has forgotten to mail court filings, she forgets to make copies of original documents, and she routinely sits in her office on her own personal email/personal phone/shopping websites at times when I know she has other work to do. I routinely put my instructions to her in writing with bulleted lists of what I would like her to do on each assignment/project. Often when I go into her office to discuss a new assignment, she constantly tells me to wait and/or interrupts me. While I recognize that sometimes a person needs to finish typing a sentence, etc. this is constant. I correct these mistakes as the come up and continue to pen edit documents she prepares consistently.

   About two months ago, my assistant didn’t file some court papers and I found the unsent items in the client file (which had been put back on the shelf). I approached my assistant about it. She was immediately defensive. I asked her what we can do to improve the process to make sure these things don’t get missed in the future. Her response to me was “well, file the X, I guess.” Later that day she came into my office stating “we need to talk,” and closed my door. She proceeded to break down and tell me that I talk to her like a child, I have no respect for her and that other people feel that I am difficult to work for. I was surprised, and my reaction to her was that I sometimes have difficulty getting her attention, so I may say something like “Assistant, I need you to pay attention right now, this is an important assignment we are about to go over.” This was the first time that I have gotten any feedback like this from the numerous staff that I work with regularly. In fact, my assistant routinely gets negative feedback from the accounting department, IT and other staff about her work product and the difficulty they have working with her.

   Things were better for about a month. Now, it is back to my assistant making errors again as I described above. It is time consuming for me to constantly have to check her work so diligently and follow up to make sure that she completes even the most routine tasks. I try to remain direct yet kind with her in my interactions. But, I’m exhausted by the extra work this creates me and exhausted because of her seemingly emotional reactions.

   Am I being unreasonable, or is my assistant truly performing subpar?

   1. She doesn’t sound great, and good assistants are hard to find. Before you give up, perhaps reassess how you’re trying to fix the problem. I’m reading a lot of the law firm cycle of “I hand you a redline and expect it to get fixed next time,” in your approach, which works with lawyers. What about sitting down and making sure your boilerplate master letters get corrected? And making more of your process electronic? (ie, do you need hard copies or can you get her PDFing instead?) a heavily paper based process generally leads to a lot of human error. I know certain things are unavoidable, like a court mailing. Anyway, sometimes better process makes for better assistants.

      1. Can you switch assistants or is your firm too small? It sounds like you prefer other assistants who work there’s if that is an option.

         Would it lessen her distraction if you had her come to your office to get the assignment versus going to hers? Have her repeat it back to you. She may not do as well with written instructions. My assistant is very easily distracted because she works for 7 people, so I understand. She may need your help on what is a rush and what can wait (and may give her more breathing room to catch typos, etc).

         I routinely double check with my assistant that things got done, so to me that is just part of the job. Blowing multiple filings would not go well for me, but the courts I practice in are all electronic so I know right away when something is filed. If you are stuck with her and can’t change assistants, unfortunately you are the one with the fiduciary obligation to your clients and need to follow up to make sure she did what she said.

   2. You need to be taking the steps to terminate her employment. Document your coaching discussions with her, as well as her responses to them, put her on a performance improvement plan, and follow it to the letter.

      This is not a you problem. This is a her problem and she’s deflecting it back on you.

      1. +1. She isn’t performing the requirements of her job.

   3. When I was a senior associate I had similar performance issues with an assistant, except that she didn’t have the attitude you describe. I think the attitude will actually help your cause; ime law firms don’t tolerate secretaries who take attitude with lawyers. First, if you haven’t already, talk to a trusted mentor about how to address this and who to talk to. Maybe it’s the staff manager or maybe it’s your office managing partner, you need to know which person is best to start with. Second, talk to the partners whose clients are impacted by this awful assistant and get them on your side when you talk to whoever you need to talk to. Third, come up with a game plan and phrase it in a positive way. You have a great working relationship with Anna, Bob, and Cathy, any of them would make a great assistant. Alternatively, you are happy to remain with current assistant, with the understanding that you will need to scale back your billable hours because of the time commitment that micromanaging her will take (if you can push it this far: and you welcome their ideas for how to adjust your billable hours expectation so you don’t get financially penalized for working with the resources that the firm is able to provide). Fourth, if you don’t do this already, go out of your way to write positive notes to file for the other staff you work with. If there’s a person in charge of the staff, get that person on your side. Show that the problem is this assistant, not you.

      I don’t think there’s a way for a woman attorney to complain about staff and not suffer a reputational hit. I definitely got and still have a reputation for being tough. What balances this out is that I give a lot more praise than criticism and will go to bat for anyone I think is deserving. Even if I don’t like working with someone, I will go to bat for them if I think they’re being criticized unfairly by others. I do my best to catch people being good at their jobs and I tell others/document it. Basically I’m shooting for high expectations but fair. I’m a partner now fwiw.

   4. She sounds like Lynn. Defensive and not that good, but that’s all I have. Good assistants are hard to find, especially in NYC (and I presume other large urban areas) where the quality of college grads that aren’t interested in going on to law school is low. Since the crop of eligible assistants are pretty meager, you have to settle for what is out there. I wish I could get law students who failed out but are still smart and focused.

      My assistant is focused, but only on men and in grabbing one who will marry her. She is technically like me, single and looking furiously for a man. So I often have depos where she comes in and insinuates herself in front of the opposing counsel and sometimes flashes bodily parts when she asks if anyone wants to go out for a drink after work. I don’t know where to look because the men are surely up for whatever they can get, especially if Lynn is in a giving mood. I find out later from her what if anything happened, and trust me, she is not a nun with these guys. But they won’t marry her, and I’ve told her that countless times.

6. Posted my rant in the wrong place, so moving it. I also think my depression plays a role in this. I agree with Anonymous at 9:24 that I want to stay in bed all day but that probably won’t help

7. This is your encouragement to do The Thing today. I did The Thing on Tuesday after literally two months of procrastinating, and now it has led to the next Thing. I am hereby promising to do this second Thing today to finally get this project off my plate.

   1. Thank you for this. I have so many Things, but there’s a big bad ugly I’ve been ignoring for an embarrassing amount of time.

   2. Great encouragement. I did The Thing yesterday and it felt so good. On to the next Thing.

   3. +1. Last year I went with Eat the Frog, and it was really helpful.

   4. I also Did the Thing today and it wasn’t nearly the hassle I thought it was going to be!

   5. Ugh okay I just took a baby step towards The Thing that I have been dreading…

8. Posted my rant in the wrong place, so moving it. I also think my depression plays a role in this. I agree with Anonymous at 9:24 that I want to stay in bed all day but that probably won’t help. Also I have, y’know, a job I need to do. I’m WFH, but thinking of using my high top dining table as a standing desk today.

   Ya’ll this is my morning rant – I am just not feeling it today. I’m randomly up a pound (I know, water weight probs) even though I’ve been exercising and watching my diet, weirdly didn’t sleep well last night, have to do laundry (my least favorite chore involving quarters and walking down my walk up apartment).
   I have a 9:30am meeting but I just really need something to get me going and give me some motivation today.

9. Looking for recs for the best long lasting liquid eyeliner. Waterproof is a great bonus but not required. I have blue eyes and use brown liner on the top lid, so it has to come in brown. Looking for something I can put on in the AM before work and will still be there after happy hour/dinner 12 hours later. No preference on felt tip or brush.

   My former favorite, now discontinued, would literally hold up for a 10-12 hour work day followed by happy hour followed by the gym and I miss that!

   1. What was your former favorite? Do you prefer pencil or marker (not sure what it’s called but works like a fine tipped magic marker) or brush?

      1. The old Sephora collection formula. I really miss it, the new one does not hold up!

         My preference is brush but I can also do felt tipped (marker). I’d prefer not do to pencil because in my experience it doesn’t last as long or it smudges.

   2. I have had good luck with the NYX Epic Ink Liner. I use black but it comes in brown too. I have oily eyelids and watery eyes, so I am often disappointed by eyeliners, but this one surprised me and stays put all day.
      I also put an eyeshadow primer on my lids (right now the Urban Decay one) and set it with a matte skin color shadow. I think this somewhat helps with the longevity or at least keeps my lids from getting oily too quickly.

      1. Will check it out thanks! I also have very oily lids and it’s such a pain (and why I use eyeliner and not eyeshadow most of the time!)

         1. The only thing that helped my eyeliner stay put, back in the day I wore it, was eyelid primer. I just used cheap stuff (NYX? I can’t remember) but it made all the difference. I liked Glossier eyeliners, but they are pencils, not liquid.

            Nowadays I scribble on some Laura Mercier caviar stick if I want to do eye makeup. It seems to last pretty well.

      2. Another vote for NYX epic ink. I also use primer, but a drugstore version (maybe also NYX?).

      3. Physicians Formula Eye Booster liquid liner in brown!

   3. Kat Von D Tattoo Liner. Comes in a couple of brown shades.

   4. I also have oily eyelids and need to use the Bare Minerals eyelid primer for shadow or liner to stay on. I love that primer + Stila felt tip liner.

   5. Following with interest. I really liked the Clinique liquid liner in black so I tried it in dark brown and it seemed like a different product. Maybe I got a bad batch but it was not pigmented at all and took a ton of work to apply.

   6. Stila All Day Waterproof Liner. Second choice would be Kat Van D, which stays but can sometimes be streaky way sooner than other liners.

      1. Stila is also my choice.

         But have you considered a gel pencil liner applied from under your lashes? The aim is to get it between the individual lashes. I use brown liner and have blue eyes, and this is how I’ve been doing it for the last couple of years.

   7. I’m a pretty big fan of Stila’s “Stay All Day” liquid liner

      1. +1 for Stila’s Stay All Day

   8. The ELF H20 Proof Eyeliner Pen is one of the best I’ve tried, and it’s very cheap and available at drugstores. Highly recommend! Works great and doesn’t budge all day on my oily, hooded eyelids.

   9. MAC liquidlast waterproof. The only product I have ever found to not run/bleed.

10. Do any of the readers here work in or adjacent to IT? I am taking over overseeing our IT work (in addition to several other responsibilities). We have a manager and a contractor who deal with the day-to-day but my job really will be about identifying and mitigating potential risks from a broader organizational management role. I know next to nothing about IT, so would be grateful for any resources to look at (blogs, journals, what have you, that can help keep me up to date on what’s emerging).

    TIA

    1. This is dumb don’t do it.

       1. Terrible advice. Do you think COOs are technically adept in everything they oversee? OP, get a competent person in charge of it and learn from them about what to focus on. Admit you’re not the expert and take on the job advice, plus leverage whatever resources your company supports. I like Gartner consulting in this space.

          1. Agree that this is terrible advice. I am a technology consultant who came from a very non-technical background (more focused on traditional management consulting, strategy, stakeholder engagement, etc.), and am currently in a role that sounds similar to what the original poster describes. I was very up front about my lack of technical knowledge coming into this role. I found that stance to actually be incredibly valuable, and maybe even the key to why I have been so successful here. I go into every conversation with a humble, “here to learn from your expertise” attitude. The technical folks I work with have given feedback that they really appreciate the different perspective I bring, and that explaining to me why a team is organized a particular way or why a process is set in stone can actually help them gain clarity on the organizational issues that we’re coming together to discuss. You have your expertise, they have theirs – lean into that. Help make each other better; don’t try to catch up to their years of knowledge and experience.

             In short, there are tons of resources out there to learn IT… but that’s not what will serve you best. Trying to learn what bits and pieces you can pick up from online resources may honestly backfire. Definitely do NOT pretend that you understand when you don’t – ask lots of questions! Have humility and respect the expertise of your technical experts. You’ll learn over time, and more importantly, you’ll learn the parts that are relevant to your actual role. Collaborate with them to understand their *organizational management* needs (which is YOUR area of expertise!) but leave the technical expertise to them.

    2. Being assigned to high-level IT work (or cybersecurity?) with zero IT experience sounds like being set up to fail.

       1. Absolutely. Agree with Anonymous @ 12:19.

       2. I disagree if the role is related to risk management. She doesn’t need to understand everything – she needs to understand the business impact of it, which she can do via the people she works with who are hopefully the ones identifying the technical risks. There are a multitude of courses out there about cyber risk management for leaders. If it’s regular IT there are also resources for that as well. Lots of resources, too – Gartner is one that many companies subscribe to. I have spent years advising execs about cyber risk and cyber is one of the areas where leaders tend to have more of a technical background, but not always. Lots of people have project management/business/risk management backgrounds.

    3. Highly recommend the Desk Reference Guide CISO: A Practical Guide to CISOs (volume 2 or later, if it’s out). I used the text as part of a master’s in cyber security policy & compliance and found it really helpful – broad overview, terminology, etc.

       Funny story – I just pulled my volume 2 copy out and I forgot that I have an autographed copy (all 3 authors signed it). I had emailed them about volume 1 with some concerns over errors (factual and grammatical) and they had apologized about the editing mistakes and assured me they’d be fixed in volume 2. Once V2 was published, they mailed me a copy haha

11. DH and I are DINKs and our jobs are now fully remote permanently. We want to relocate but can’t figure out where. We are currently in a small east coast city with a medium cost of living. We would like a nice, new house with more space and a view (hills, mountain, beach – just not city). It would be great to be able to access nature more easily, but also be within an hour or so of a large city. The west coast is appealing, but we need to go in to our offices a few times so a year that may not be feasible. Any suggestions?

    1. Buffalo or Rochester or Pittsburgh, if you like winter. Everywhere else (CLT, Nashville, Richmond, ATL, Asheville) has been overrun with people and is much more expensive than you’d think.

       1. I disagree that Pgh is a good place to move if you like the outdoors. It’s otherwise a great city. What about Portsmouth NH or somewhere in ME? Or the Providence area?

          1. Interesting. I live in Pittsburgh and there’s plenty of great hiking a short drive away. Ohiopyle/Laurel Highlands area and McConnells Mill are favorites.

             1. totally accurate – 30 minute drive out of Pittsburgh brings you to the mountains – hiking, skiing, white water rafting, fishing, mountain biking…and the beauty of West Virginia is just a short drive south. Pittsburgh is the gem of the Appalachians and the only metro city in the Appalachians….best of both worlds.

       2. I wouldn’t do western NY unless you’re really ok with it being cloudy and gray for half the year. I also don’t consider Rochester or Buffalo “large” cities.
          Rochester has some trendy neighborhoods with beautiful old houses in addition to quiet suburbs. You could get a house on Lake Ontario but it is COLD. Letchworth State Park is about 45 minutes south of Rochester and the Finger Lakes are also nearby so that may scratch your nature itch.

          1. Agreed. It is so gray and so cold in WNY. There is lots of access to nature but the cities are not great.

    2. Maybe Phoenix, AZ? You’ll get Mountains there and an easy airport hub to get you back to the east coast when needed. Much less expensive out there too. If you’re willing to drive a bit to get to the airport Tucson might be even better.

       1. Phoenix is the epitome of suburban sprawl, it’s hot and there’s no water and those two things are only going to get worse.

          1. Gilbert AZ , the Venice of the west!

       2. The Tucson airport is basically close to everything, so way easier than dealing with Phoenix. And Tucson has far superior hiking, biking, etc, nicer weather, and is a city of gastronomy, so an excellent food scene if you are into that. But, probably too close to the west if there is a need to easily to into an east coast office.

    3. New Mexico? Colorado (outside of Denver)? South Carolina?

       1. Greenville SC is overrun by people leaving CLT. It is awesome, but not really the bargain it used to be. Ditto Asheville and everywhere else I want to go (east coast / moderate weather / not too expensive).

       2. NM is going to have serious water issues in coming years, and Albuquerque has serious crime problems right now. People really need to understand what they’re getting into before moving to New Mexico.

    4. How do you feel about winter/snow/cold? If you’re good with it, Portsmouth, NH or Portland, ME are charming beyond belief and get you four seasons and lots of varied outdoor offerings – mountains, lakes, beaches, access to major cities with relative ease (Boston, even NYC). I love living in the Boston area, too, because we’re the shortest trip across the pond to Europe so it makes for shorter flights if you plan to travel over that way. You’re more likely to find a “nice, new house” in those markets than a suburb of Boston at a price that is palatable, though I suppose I don’t know your budget.

    5. The Lehigh Valley? Mountains and access to nature in the area, not too far from the Poconos or Jersey Shore, but only an hour-ish from Philly and 1.5 hours to NYC. My personal recommendation (if you want something walkable/urban) is Bethlehem’s north side. I don’t know enough about the suburbs or smaller towns but there are some very nice ones. Plenty of cultural amenities too – very good food, plenty of shopping, concerts, minor league sports, etc.

       I live in Philly and LOVE it, but sometimes daydream about moving to the Lehigh Valley, which is where I went to college.

       1. +1

       2. I’m a lifelong LV resident. I’m available if OP has questions.

       3. I fly into ABE’s airport (vs Newark) to see my parents and the area is just amazing now (vs 15ish years ago). I think it’s a lot of grads coming back to the area after NYC became too expensive and commutes outrageous. It’s close, but just a bit of fresh air vs somewhere where the expectation is that you’ll take the train into the city daily.

          1. Yes! I lived there from 2011-2017 and the change from when I moved there to when I left to now is remarkable!

       4. I love seeing the LV get all this love! It’s such a great place!

          To the poster at 10:11 – it seems like the job market is pretty good. I remember being surprised how many people stayed in the area after graduation because they found jobs. Additionally- it’d be commutable to Philly/NYC on occasion if need be (like 1-2x/wk. Not ideal, but doable!)

          Making friends in any new location is hard, but I know the area has a social sports league, which is a great way to meet people.

          Obviously I defer to 10:21 as the local expert :)

    6. Just a counterpoint, what if you want to change jobs? Or your employer changes its mind on fully remote being viable? Do you have friends where you are? A network? Are you creating a should just because you can right now?

       1. Good questions. We have wanted to leave where we are for years but were stuck because of jobs. We love being remote so if our jobs no longer allowed it we would get new jobs anyway, but based on our specific circumstances that is extremely unlikely. No significant family or community ties in the area we’re in now.

          1. California and fly in when you need to

    7. What’s your tolerance for weather and climate events – like, are you more ok with flooding, hurricanes, fires, or harsh winter/summer weather? The colorado fires scared the beejezus out of me, so I’d never be able to do CA/CO or anyplace with serious yearly wildfires. On the other hand, the northeast has nor’easters, flooding, ice storms, snow storms, but you get a lot more advance warning and you can kind of throw money at it to a degree (generators, chest freezers, snow tires, trucks, etc.).
       I’d vote Delaware if you want to be close to DC/NY/Philly. If you are ok with heavy snow/cold – a big city in Vermont or Buffalo or Rochester if you like nature, culture, and are ok with heavy winter (Vermont has the best skiing, Buffalo is surprisngly chill and has great food/music, and Rochester is kind of the Research Triangle of NY).

       1. I was in Buffalo and Rochester one September a few years ago and really liked it. The winters would be a no-go for me but could be a plus for others. Also, WEGMANS.

          1. Sigh. Moved to CO from
             NY over a year ago and still miss Wegmans daily. <3

          2. I had no idea Wegman’s was so beloved! To me it’s “the overpriced place” compared to our 2-3 semi-local chains.

             1. I hate Wegman’s. It takes an hour just to find a parking space. They don’t have much in the way of specialty ingredients that I can’t get elsewhere. It is a miserable shopping experience, not at all the fancy enjoyable experience I expected.

    8. Virginia and the Carolinas have so many options. The coasts have lots of affordable rural communities that are within an hour or so of cities or you could go to the western side of the states for mountain living. Either way, you’d only be a few hours from the opposite nature (beach/mountains) that you hadn’t chosen.

       1. Sort of? Like Charlottesville used to be relaxing and now, OMG, the traffic on 29 just sprawls out worse and worse every year — it’s like you can’t get away from DC/NoVa traffic, even 2 hours out. But elsewhere, away from all that, yes. Ditto Frederickburg and north on I-95.

          Eastern Shore maybe?

          1. Yea, same with NC. Coast isn’t actually an hour from a “big city.” There’s Wilmington, which is a decent size, but also kind of not the greatest (it’s a shame, I feel like Wilmington should be better than it is, economically and crime wise). You can be 2-2.5 hours from Raleigh ont he coast, but that’s about the closest. Asheville’s gotten excessively popular. Maybe something near Charlotte, but traffic. I’m in Raleigh and we have plenty of outdoor space, but are lacking in hills, mountains, or beach.

             1. +1 As someone who lives here, please don’t move to Raleigh/Durham/Asheville. The housing market is insane and the cities aren’t otherwise growing at the same rate that people are moving here (in terms of restaurants, stuff to do, public transportation, etc.). It’s very “the emperor has no clothes,” except everyone’s pretending that these cities are worth their continually increasing price tags. If I was going to live in this state without being physically tied to my job I’d move to Wilmington (which I find kind of charming? although agree with the points above that it could be better), Greensboro, Black Mountain, etc.

       2. In the same position (DINKs, jobs going fully remote), we picked the Triad. The nature I wanted on a daily/weekly basis was trees though; I’m okay with mountains and the beech being a road trip away.

       3. I’d put a plug in for Richmond here. Still relatively affordable, traffic isn’t insane (I say this as someone in DC, so take that how you will), but you’re in a decent sized city and near DC if you want true “big city” stuff easily accessible.

          1. Shhh–don’t tell people how great it is here! We don’t need any more transplants, especially ones from HCOL places with lots of equity to bid up home prices. The housing market has gone absolutely bonkers in the past year. We also don’t need any more traffic in Short Pump.

    9. MarketWatch has a “where to retire” tool – obviously you’re not retiring, but it’s a fun way to plug in different priorities and get some maybe-unexpected results. You can search individual states or the entire US.

       1. NYTimes has an interactive “Where should you live” that is great. You put in criteria like political leaning, rural or not, crime rate, cost of living.

          1. Could you link to this? My search didn’t turn it up, or if it did, I’m not recognizing it as what you’re talking about.

             1. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2021/11/23/opinion/sunday/best-places-live-usa-quiz.html

    10. Colorado. I’m in Boston and it’s where all my DINK friends have fled :). Not cheap but cheaper than Boston and absolutely gorgeous with great cities and airport access.

        Somewhere like Vegas or Salt Lake might be great, too.

    11. Park City, Utah.

    12. There is no such thing as a view on the East Coast unless you can get a house on top of a mountain or on the shore of a lake. Too much vegetation.

    13. I have never been but I’m very intrigued by New Mexico, specifically Los Alamos, but also Santa Fe and Albuquerque

        1. Knowing my budget, I’d be in the Breaking Bad part (villa dreams, tract home bank account). But Jesse Pinkman had a nice house, so maybe there’s hope.

           1. I live in Albuquerque and have Thoughts about people from elsewhere wanting to move here.

              The most important thing to realize is how bad crime is across Albuquerque, it’s not just limited to certain parts of town. You’ll read otherwise online, but there really are no “safe” places in Albuquerque. A friend of mine was held up at gunpoint in a Target parking lot in broad daylight a few years ago in a “nice” part of town. You cannot leave anything in your car anywhere without it getting broken into; most people have had their car stolen or their home burglarized at least once. There have been some pretty horrific home invasions and they’re so commonplace no one bats an eye anymore. We hit a record high for homicides this year and last year. On a more petty level, package theft is rampant as is property vandalism. Drunk driving is an endemic, persistent problems and every year there are terrible fatalities caused by drunk driving, that no intervention has been able to change or address.

              I know everywhere has crime, but crime has pushed out most of our friends who used to live here. It’s not so much that crime is worse here, but that the police department in Albuquerque (which has been put under a consent decree with the DOJ for inappropriate use of force) has basically given up trying to enforce laws. The police are upset about DOJ intervention and have basically “quit in place” and are trying to let crime get so bad that somehow (no one is sure how this would work) citizens will demand the DOJ vacate the consent decree and get off their backs. So, if you are victimized, there is no recourse. It’s very unlikely the police will even investigate the crime; in many cases they won’t even take a police report. If someone is arrested, it’s very unlikely they will face consequences because the police and the court system don’t cooperate, and we have a lot of judges on benches that won’t put even repeat violent offenders into incarceration. It’s a shame, because Albuquerque is a great place with a lot to recommend it. But after living here 20+ years we are looking to leave, because we have seen the city degrade into lawlessness and we don’t see the situation getting better any time soon. There would have to be massive systemic changes in both law enforcement and the court system, as well as addressing generational poverty and drug addiction problems, and no one seems to able to mobilize to create change.

              1. This sounds like Memphis. I live it but it is hard to live there. Every store has security in the parking lots so you don’t get robbed. I never saw that before.

              2. I’m also a resident of Albuquerque, and yes, there are serious problems, but I think it’s not so dramatically worse than elsewhere. I’ve lived here 23 years and (touch wood) have yet to experience serious crime. In contrast, I had some pretty bad experiences in cities in the Northeast and in L.A. So yes, plenty of crime, but there is in other places, too. And the payoff is that we are able to live in a big house a few steps away from great hiking, with sun most of the time, whereas at least one of these would be impossible in any of the places I’d prefer to live.

              3. ProfP, it’s great that serious violent crime hasn’t happened *to you.* But I’m also concerned about the general level of crime and the lack of consequences for committing crimes that seems to be contributing to a lot of overall violent and antisocial behavior across the community. For me it’s not just about what we experience personally related to crime, which has not been that bad. But about how many kids in Albuquerque are growing up in violent neighborhoods, with addicted or incarcerated parents, in schools that hugely underperform in producing high school graduates. Add in that economic opportunities are so limited (anyone with a remote job moving here needs to expect that if you lose their job and have to get a new one, you won’t be able to get one in ABQ paying even half of what you were making back East or in California – if you can even find a job) and there hasn’t been substantial traction on economic development in decades. It’s not enough for me to live in a nice house next to a hiking trail (which we do). I also want to live in a healthy, functional community where kids can grow up in safe homes and schools, and then have economic opportunities when they graduate. I know some Burquenos are expecting Zoom migration from other, more-populated places to move the needle on some of our issues. But my husband has now had four employees “boomerang” – move to Albuquerque, and then move back to where they came from within two years – because of the crime and poverty here. Until some of the systemic issues get addressed NOT by gentrification, I don’t recommend people move here from places that are functioning and healthy. The culture shock will be too much.

        2. I grew up in northern NM, though I haven’t lived there in a long time, I can give some pros and cons. Pro – It’s beautiful, with mountains all around, tons of sunlight while still having 4 seasons, great access to nature and culture, low cost of living, delicious food. Con – There’s a lot of poverty and not much of a middle class, which is likely what leads to the crime Anon @11:19 mentions, there aren’t a lot of direct flights to the east coast out of ABQ, so traveling takes a day, drought is a serious issue which will only get worse and makes wildfires a danger, but also flash flooding – several people died by being swept away in flash floods in NM in 2021. I love NM with all my heart. But I don’t live there.

    14. Thanks for all of the suggestions, I plan to look into each of them! I should have mentioned we probably don’t want to be anywhere that it’s so cold you can’t enjoy nature. We’re in the DELMARVA region and I wouldn’t want to get much colder, but I don’t love the heat here either. My ideal place would have the weather of Southern California matched with the vibe and access to nature of Colorado, which of course doesn’t exist.

        1. There are lovely mountains and mountain communities east of Las Vegas. It’s not as expensive as ÇA or Colo.

        2. Colorado (at least the Denver area) is warmer and sunnier in the winter than Delaware. I used to travel there quite a bit from Philly and the weather was always much nicer – I could actually get out and do things because it wasn’t damp and gray. It has its moments with snow and cold of course but at least it’s real snow. Denver may be more expensive now but if you cast a wide net in the state I’m sure there are plenty of nice places to search for homes.

           1. Yes, Denver and environs aren’t that cold (today is a rare exception). Afternoon sun regularly melts morning snowfall here. The only challenge I’ve had to adjust to is the change in seasons. Our snow season really kicks in gear in February through April, and even though you are just as likely to have a 60 degree sunny day as snow, it can make it feel like winter takes a long time even if it’s not extreme. I have a photo of one of my kids in a bathing suit on the back porch from last January, though. It really isn’t freezing most of the time, certainly not more than DC was. And no mosquitoes! Colorado is also a very nice state, policy-wise. Safe for LGBTQ families and kids, and easy access to reproductive healthcare, if those are factors (they were for us).

              1. Yep, this. Without the massive governmental problems CA has. I’ve appreciated Polis’s COVID response as well.

              2. No mosquitoes? CO just moved to the top of my list.

        3. If you’re truly okay with rural, I would look at the North Georgia Mountains.

           1. Was just thinking this. The Blue Ridge area, Ellijay, Dahlonega…Ball Ground actually has an adorable tiny downtown. All about an hour to 90 minutes from Atlanta.

           2. I was thinking that if you’re ok with really rural. I have a friend that lives in Habersham County (her town is Cornelia, but I think there are other little towns too) and seems to love it. It’s about an hour 15 from Atlanta or hour and a half from Greenville, SC

        4. So cold you can’t enjoy nature isn’t a thing!

        5. California’s Central Coast is pretty great although I’m not sure the cost of living would be low enough for you. San Luis Obispo is a great college town and there is all the nature you could ever want, either right there (beach, hiking) or in easy driving distance (mountains).

        6. I highly recommend the Shenandoah. We have a cabin there with a beautiful view of the river and mountains. There is a great new grocery store in Front Royal (Martin’s) and the COL is very reasonable. Main St. in Front Royal also has a lot of great restaurants. It’s just over an hour drive from DC, about 40 minutes from Dulles Airport. Happy to answer questions if you want to post a burner email.

    15. If you want to stay on the east coast, i’d move to coastal rhode island. Very affordable and easy access to boston/nyc for transit/city options.

        If you want to move father, i’d strong suggest New Mexico. ABQ is a great city and still affordable. Good climate and blue state politics. Sandia mountains are amazing and there is a real outdoors culture.

    16. Friends recently moved to a lake house outside of Clemson, SC, and it is beautiful. The house itself was not cheap, but overall cost of living in the area is low (they moved from Charlotte and have said day-to-day COL is noticeably lower). It is about an hour from Greenville, where there is a decent size airport.

    17. If I didn’t have kids I’d move to Hawaii but that doesn’t sound practical for your jobs. My top picks in the continental US would be Portland Maine if you can handle the cold weather and Napa Valley. Both are close to beautiful nature and good food, but also not that far from major cities (Boston and SF). If you could afford two homes (renting one out when you’re not there) you could summer and fall in Maine and winter and spring in CA. That’s my dream retirement plan although in reality I’ll likely just move to wherever my kid is living to help with grandkids.

    18. Knoxville and Chattanooga in Tennessee might be worth a look. I would have a preference for Knoxville as I found Chattanooga to be somewhat closed socially.

    19. How’s your health insurance? Does it have good networks out of your area? I live in a small city and medical options are much more limited here than in bigger cities, with very long waits to see doctors (6-7 months for new PCPs). I imagine this will be worse still if you move to a smaller town. Even if you’re healthy now, it’s not great to have to drive an hour to see a doctor when you’re sick or if you develop a condition that needs regular care.

    20. Ithaca, NY

        1. The best place in the world! Also, Wegmans. (See above)

    21. friend lives right outside Asheville NC and loves it– fits all your check boxes!

12. 2022 resolution — (other than WFH wear) no rewears in my closet until it has all been worn. Trying to see what fits, what works for a whole day (vs isn’t annoying to try on), etc. Why, in before times, did I have all this?

    Also, found a pair of skinny jeans from 2019 that still has the tags on. I think they were snug and then forgotten about. It’s like going on a dig or Pompeii exhibit and finding out when time stood still.

    1. Good resolution. After ripping the seat of my favorite jeans, I found a pair of straight leg jeans in the pile that I had never worn due to the skinny leg trend. Now they are back on trend – haha!

    2. Great resolution. I’ve done it before and really learned a lot. Things I kept because I should like them but never wore -why? Because I didn’t actually like them, 90% of the time. 10% of the time it was because they didn’t fit into the rut I was in.

       Now I just call my rut a “uniform” and I’ve quit trying to change myself!!

       Tip- put your hangers all backward and after you wear something, but it back in the normal way. It’s an easy visual to determine what you haven’t worn yet.

13. For those of you with young babies, are you allowing contact between them and any unvaccinated kids, even if those kids are currently not in school/generally low exposure and are testing somewhat regularly? I have a 6-month old that regularly goes over to my parents’ house, but my two nephews are also regularly over at my parents’ house and are in school/recently traveled and are not vaccinated. I was OK with this during the fall until Omicron became a much bigger problem. Mom wants nephews over every day and isn’t willing to alternate so baby doesn’t come into contact with nephews (who are very sweet but fawn all over the baby and won’t keep a distance), at least until Omicron blows over (we were doing indoor activities with them until the situation became more dire in my city). I suggested maybe we stop the baby visits until things calm down or at least until the boys are back in school full time and not at my parents’ house every day and she is offended… “everyone has tested negative, boys aren’t in school this week anyway, etc., your baby could get it from the nanny who has her own kids, etc…”…. am I being too conservative? Grandparents are triple vaxxed. Probably bears saying that my mom has narcissistic tendencies and will guilt trip/gaslight so sometimes I’m not sure if I’m being reasonable.

    1. I don’t think that Omicron cares if you’ve been vaccinated. Truly.

       On the visiting, you do you. I don’t think that stopping visits is unreasonable (but I also can see why you might as well continue, esp. if the nephews aren’t yet back in school). Pretty sure we will all get it this time around but it will not be a big deal for most.

    2. Yes, I think you’re being too conservative. I also have older but too young to be vaccinated kids so have no choice in the matter, but take a look at Emily Oster’s recent posts on this. (I know she’s divisive, but I’ve found her perspective really comforting since she seems to be the only person talking about young unvaccinated kids!)

       So far it looks like omicron is even less harmful for the really littles. I feel totally comfortable with the exposures my four month old is getting. Especially to see family.

       1. Oh also my four month old did get RSV this winter, and that was bad (she’s fine but it was not a fun week). So I’d keep him or her home when grandma has a cough or is sick, but I think you’d already be doing that? For a kid that age RSV or flu is going to be worse than COVID, so there’s still reason to avoid sick people. But not just avoid people all the time!

    3. This is boundaries. You make your decision and communicate. You offer a potential compromise, she declines, and that’s that. You enforce the boundary.

       She can of course be sad that she’s not getting what she wants, just like you can be sad you’re not getting what you want. But as a parent you still make the choices you feel are best, and you enforce those regardless of other feelings. Her offense is a little irrelevant.

       That said, you may want to do some reading on narcissistic parents. There are subreddits and blogs and books about this subject. But if she’s been like this for a while, it is going to be a constant battle of her pouting over your boundaries and you second guessing your decisions. You’ll want to have some perspective on how to navigate when to pull back and when to stand firm.

    4. I don’t think it matters risk-wise if your baby is in the same room as your nephews if they’re both regularly interacting with your mom. It’s also not reasonable to suggest that she not see your nephews and I’m honestly impressed that there seems to be regular testing going on. If you want to reduce your risk logically you’d probably have to not see your mom, which may be undesirable, but it’s all about your comfort level. Everyone has a different thing they’re comfortable with. For what it’s worth I’m about to have a baby and still plan to send my toddler to daycare part time.

    5. How is urgent care and hospital care holding up in your area? I’d let that factor into any decision.

       That said, this decision is up to you and no one else and you don’t have to feel guilty either way. Folks are going to be hard on moms no matter what they do. If it’s not this decision it will be the next one that you don’t agree on. Might as well get used to thinking through and setting your boundaries and getting comfortable with it now. No one else here knows your situation like you.

    6. Every time someone says “is your child high risk” someone claims this is ignoring or discounting he lives of high risk kids. It isn’t. It’s part of someone’s personal risk calculus for situations like this. If your baby is healthy, I would put a higher premium on the relief you get from grandparent care and family bonding for the little ones. I think we will all get it anyway, and absent real reasons to be concerned about the health impacts, you take your chances since you’ve done everything you reasonably can to mitigate risk in a balanced way (eligible people vaxxed and up to date).

       1. The estimates I’m seeing are that between one-third to one half of children hospitalized with COVID-19 have underlying health conditions.

          1. Which means 1/2 to 2/3 of those hospitalized do not have underlying conditions. That’s a bit scary. I’d be very cautious as well.

    7. I don’t think there’s an objective standard of what’s reasonable here. This is all about your personal risk tolerance. For me personally, if you already have your kiddo exposed to a nanny who has unvaccinated children, and the nephews aren’t in school right now, this wouldn’t feel super risky. But it’s a very personal decision.

       1. +1. Reasonable arguments can be made on both sides of this question. Personally, I would feel fine continuing the visits, but if you don’t, then take a break right now.

    8. i have two unvaccinated kids (twins) who attend part time preschool and other than school, we do not gather indoors with anyone other than our nanny. we only see other people outdoors. this is also easier for me as we do not live near local family

    9. https://emilyoster.substack.com/p/covid-risks-for-small-children?token=eyJ1c2VyX2lkIjozNDQ4NDY0MCwicG9zdF9pZCI6NDYxMjUzNTMsIl8iOiJXcktLNSIsImlhdCI6MTY0MTQ3Nzg5MywiZXhwIjoxNjQxNDgxNDkzLCJpc3MiOiJwdWItMjk3NzAiLCJzdWIiOiJwb3N0LXJlYWN0aW9uIn0.df4NV8zH4AAr0tia4bWB4r5xfCjlUyreNoMJjnr9Glo&fbclid=IwAR3loH9qW3Aj9LmiFzgVEw57xVfVsHSVdAuoLQ9rGXL3dweSyeqZHebGjjY

       1. I think this is a personal decision without a solid right/wrong answer. But – if you read Oster, she acknowledges that children under 1 do face higher risk from any illness (including this one). The flu is bad this year, covid is peaking, it doesn’t sound like these visits are essential (e.g., so OP can work) and many hospitals are at capacity right now and what is a couple of weeks in the grand scheme of this situation (local grandparents you can see in February) – I would abstain.

          I also do not understand the logic of saying “well you already do X so why worry about Y?” To me, the fact that I choose to spend my “risk allowance” in one area (e.g., nanny) just means I have less to spend on other areas. No one would say “well, you already had unprotected s8x with Bob once so why not roll the dice again since you didn’t get pregnant?” or “you **** Bob which could give you an STD, so why not have fun with Jim?”

          1. Your last sentence is spot-on. Love this analogy. People just don’t get it.

          2. OP here – thank you, the article is helpful and I think this is exactly where I’m at. even if some would think I’m being conservative, these are grandparents that live 10 mins away, they are not providing child care (full time nanny brings the baby to their house for social visits), and my thinking is what’s the harm of being extra cautious for a few weeks as we see if the surge peaks and declines in my area – I am not talking about going back to full separation of households permanently. I agree that I need to frame it as a personal decision whether or not others choose to agree with it.

       2. Very helpful, thank you for posting.

    10. My toddler’s exposure to unvaccinated kids is at daycare, but no where else right now. There are just so many COVID cases right now! I make my decisions to protect my family. Whether someone else likes it is immaterial. So don’t “suggest” to stop the visits. Just stop them if you want to. Your mom will be mad, and there is nothing you can change about that.

        In general, when cases jump up and the hospitals fill up, I pull back on all kinds of things that I am otherwise comfortable with. At least one hospital system just announced that they are postponing all elective procedures because of the COVID surge, so that is my cue. It’s perfectly reasonable to have nephew play dates when cases are low, but pull back when we are in a huge surge. My kids went to kids church on Sundays when cases are low; now we are back to watching church from home.

    11. You don’t need to crowdsource this. You’ve made a decision based on your own comfort level and your real issue is that your mom is making you second-guess that decision based on what she prefers. Stand your ground on this and all parenting decisions. It’s a slippery slope.

        1. Co-sign. 1:46 is spot on.

    12. I don’t think there’s a such thing as being “too conservative” with the safety of your own infant. The reality is that omicron spreads among vaccinated and unvaccinated populations so them(the nephews) being vaccinated is less of a factor than their lifestyles and masking habits. If you think they participate in risky behaviors and you don’t want your kid to catch anything you’d have to change something. If possible, I’d just keep the baby away for the few weeks that the surge is projected to last. You could also have them mask but that isn’t likely to be received well. On the note about your nanny, you can always have her wear a high quality mask for the entirety of her shift. That will make the vaccination status of her children less of a factor.

14. Can anyone help me figure out stop profuse night sweats? I usually run cold but when I am ready to sleep, I just use a sheet (bamboo), a linen quilt, and a fleece blanket that i can easily remove because I know I will sweat. I sleep in shorts and a t-shirt and usually socks (but I’ve tried no socks lately to see if it helps). I am consistently sweating through my clothes at night but then I get chilled. My husband has to have a fan on and we keep the thermostat at 65ish at night (outside temp is usually well below freezing this time of year). I am getting terrible sleep and I just can’t figure this out. It’s been an issue for a long time but getting worse. Last bloodwork didn’t show anything unusual. Help.

    1. I developed night sweats (like, get up and wring out my shirt sweats) as a side effect of my antidepressant. Does the timing line up with any new meds?

       1. Me too. It was the main reason I went off them. I was waking up drenched in the middle of the night every night. Went away as soon as I got off the meds.

       2. OP here – No new meds. I do think the fleece may trap heat too much even though it is thin. I haven’t had any alcohol since NYE. I do think it may worsen before my period. Thanks for all of the input! I have a doctor’s appt in a few weeks and will bring it up.

    2. Weirdly I seem to sweat more if I wear shorts than if I wear pants, so I like cotton poplin pants and cotton tank or t-shirt. 100% recommend no socks; I will literally wake up in the middle of the night from overheating and have to take them off if I wear them. I like cotton percale sheets, and a light summer-weight duvet with cotton percale cover, but quilt would be ok if you prefer the feel of them.

       1. When I was having sweaty nights, I wore knit linen tee shirts for sleeping – for some reason, what was on my torso mattered more than my legs. For bottoms, I wore pajama pants that I cut off to be a couple of inches above my knee – I don’t like regular shorts because I don’t like my thighs rubbing when I sleep and it feels hotter to have skin-on-skin for me.

          I got the tee shirts from Loft, they seem to have knit linen tees every summer and I wait until the end of summer sales and buy them for pennies.

    3. I think it’s the fleece. Try a natural fibre, fleece makes me so, so sweaty. Our house drops to 60 overnight so maybe lowerng the thermostat a few degrees.

    4. Are you the right age for perimenopause? Or like someone else said, taking medication that could cause this? If not, I’d go back to your doctor and make sure there’s not something else going on.

       1. I’ve wondered about perimenopause. I just turned 42 but it’s really something I’ve experienced off and on for as long as I can remember.

    5. 95% of my night sweats went away when I quit drinking 2 years ago. Occasionally I’ll get one during my period, but that’s it. I’m 44 and in good health.

       1. I’ve been getting the same pattern when I have alcohol with or after supper. I’m 5 years older and thoroughly in perimenopause. This reaction started up only about a year ago.

       2. I also overheat at night when my period is imminent and I’ve had alcohol with dinner, especially more than one night in a row.

    6. I put this on a post earlier this week: try the Chilipad! If you get the upgraded version you can even program it throughout the night so it chills you when you are falling asleep and then can warm up later in the night to prevent you from getting cold. It’s expensive, but seriously one of my best purchases last year. I got it after reading a Wirecutter reviewer who got it for his BF who wakes up drenched in sweat, which used to happen to me on a regular basis.

       1. 100% I love my chilipad to deal with perimenopausal night sweats. Funny – I use mine the opposite way (turn on high before bed so it’s nice and toasty while I read before sleep, then turn down so it keeps me cooler while sleeping). I believe there is a competitor product out there now, so you should do some research. I got the chilipad with the Ooler system and it was about $700 for the half queen, so a significant investment.

    7. i have this problem too. and i’m 36. i have no idea but if you figure out a solution, i’d love to know it

    8. Ditch any synthetic materials first, and materials that will keep you chillled. No polyester, polycotton, microfiber, fleece, acrylics, and maybe even cotton. Maybe try sleeping in a separate room from your husband a couple of nights to get away from the fan and the freezing room to see if it makes a difference? In a room as cold as 65 I might actually get cold sweats, that’s too cold for me.

       And unless your peri or menopausal, maybe go see your GP? Night sweats can be a symptom of some very serious things – from sleeping disorders to cancer. Not trying to spook you, just saying that some standard bloodwork might not be enough of a check.

    9. How is your sleep in general? This was the primary symptom of sleep apnea for me.

       1. It has been terrible!!

       2. This was a sign of apnea for me as well.

    10. Try setting the overnight thermostat at 60. That’s what we do and it’s made a huge difference for me.

    11. I had similar night sweats for ~1 year before I had to have an emergency gallbladder removal. 10 years later, I’m now having hot flashes and the hot flashes are entirely different than the gallbladder night sweats.

15. I’ve been doing strength training twice a week for half an hour with a trainer. That’s all I’m managing on the workout front right now, although I have young kids so I’m not totally sedentary. Does anyone else follow a similar schedule? I don’t care about weight loss but am hoping to get genuinely stronger (which I am!). She seems great and thinks twice a week is good. I’m sure she’d work with me more. I guess I’m curious what others with limited time/commitment abilities do.

    1. Sounds like you’re progressing with twice a week, so I would hesitate to recommend changes with your busy schedule. However, I like 3x a week. Have you thought about asking your trainer to provide you a bodyweight-only workout to do at home? It means you could do it any of the other 5 days without scheduling (is this a good or a bad thing for you? Sometimes flexibility means I just don’t do it…)

       Squats, elevated-foot single leg lunges, crunches, push ups (or modified), planks, anything with a band, there’s tons of strength choices that require low to no gear.

    2. I need to look in the mirror as I say this to you because I am Off The Wagon … bigly. But, I am a Peloton’er and love their 10-15 minute classes. Even on days where I can’t get a full workout in, doing one or two of those strength classes makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. They have some programs where you can do a 4-week series of classes that generally have 5 classes/week, none are more than 15 mins. Something like that could be a good supplement to work on strength. I know there are other resources out there besides Peloton that have classes you can access, I just don’t know what they are.

       1. I LOVE the Peloton app. I can almost always manage to do something and I like the variety. I have two young kids and get up early to workout. Longer workouts on the weekend. Even if I do 20 minutes, I feel a huge sense of accomplishment.

          1. +2. I recently joined the HardCORE on the Floor Fb group. They publish a calendar of workouts each month and program 1-3 workouts a day. Most are only 10-15 m long. Even if I do one, I feel accomplished.

    3. hey, I don’t even have kids, and all I manage is a short run 3 times a week right now. You are a rock star!

    4. I do similar and have done for years with the same trainer (gaps for lockdowns) and outside the two half hours walk daily or go through various other yoga/cardio phases. I love my sessions and feel like I have really noticed a change over the years with my strength. I had a year long gap with covid and when we started back I hadn’t actually lost too much strength and quickly got back up to speed, which when I look back at where I started years ago is such an improvement.

    5. It’s working for you, your trainer thinks it’s working for you. Why are you second-guessing it? Perfectionism? Cross this off your list. You’ve got it covered.

16. Did anyone here send their child to (or attend) a summer program at CTY or one of the private boarding schools on the east coast (Phillips Andover, Exeter, Taft or Hotchkiss)? Any thoughts on them or recommendations to other boarding programs or camps? My current 8th grader wants to go to the east coast (we are on the west) for 1-3 weeks this summer and I don’t know where to start or what’s a good program or campus or anything as I know very little about boarding schools. Any suggestions welcome!

    1. I went to a local camp for gifted kids but I went to college with a bunch of kids who went to and/or worked at CTY and they all loved it. Based on the people I know who went to elite boarding schools and what I heard about the culture there, I’d be very reluctant to send my kid, but maybe the summer programs are very different than the school year atmosphere.

    2. I did CTY and loved it! It was a fantastic experience that really prepared me for high school science (I took animal science and one other bio-type class). Would send my kids to such a program in a heartbeat (they’re too young now).

    3. Why would your kid want to do this, other than to be snobby? Why must it be a private, East Coast boarding school program?

       1. As opposed to boarding schools in . . . where else do they have them but the East Coast and Hogwarts?

          I’d go, honestly, just b/c it’s the closest thing they’ll see to college and the buildings are usually beautiful. Some kids went every year and really it made their year. I was a camp counselor one summer at a boarding school academic camp and it was just so dreamy after some wretched schools I went to as a kid.

          FWIW, I could never afford boarding school or even private school for my kids. Since I have to pay for summer care anyway, I could splurge on this just so they know a bit of the wider world (so I’d pick one near NYC where they might go in to tour that also), especially after missing so much in-person school since COVID started.

       2. I got teased with qualifying for CTY programs year after year, but never having a prayer of being able to go due to the cost. What I wouldn’t have given to be able to hang out with other smart, weird kids with the same niche interests.

       3. I got teased with qualifying for CTY programs year after year, but never having a prayer of being able to go due to the cost. What I wouldn’t have given to be able to hang out with other smart, weird kids with the same niche interests.

       4. That is a little harsh—given how many books for children are set in East Coast boarding schools I am not surprised a child might be interested. There are many academic and outdoor camps and schools on the West Coast but I think it is completely normal for a child to be interested in something unique that isn’t available locally.

       5. The CTD program that my kids did at Northwestern wasn’t snobby or elite. It was kids who were smart in school and weren’t afraid to revel in the joys of learning. I see no reason why the Duke / Johns Hopkins CTY programs would be markedly different; I can’t speak to the boarding schools.

    4. My kid went to CTY 2 or 3 years and loved it. I feel like CTY versus boarding school programs are apples and oranges.

    5. My sister and I did CTY, both loved it and had a great time. It was like nerdy summer camp, the kids were nice and not elitist, there was no hazing or pressure like what Anonymous @ 10:13 seems to be referring to.

       1. I’m Anon at 10:13 and that was exactly my point. CTY is nerdy kid heaven, and I would have no hesitation about sending my kid if she qualifies. Prep schools are a totally different environment and not one that I think the nerdy kids I know (including myself in that) would enjoy. Prep schools also tend to have issues with dr*gs and s3xual assault. The only people I knew who did coke in college had gotten into it at places like Choate. Perhaps the summer programs are very different culturally than the full time student experience, but based on what I know from college I would not send an my kid to a summer camp at an East Coast prep school.

          1. I think that’s possibly true some places / some kids who are there for the school year. Summer programs are very different.

    6. I grew up with a bunch of people who did CTY and they all loved it. If you can get in, and the idea of it actually sounds fun to your child, I don’t see the downside in doing it. If you don’t get in — why not do a more classic east coast summer camp? Like one of the ones in Maine? Just as blue blood as Exeter etc. but a lot more fun.

    7. I worked at the Explo summer camps a few years, which are held at lovely East Coast colleges. I thought it was a great program. Good balance of neat classes, field trips, and some traditional camp elements like bonding with your group and talent shows.

       1. I attended Explo at multiple locations, and loved it. Actually, that’s where I first learned to code (…which I do professionally now). I agree with the above – CTY (spouse did it and loved it) and Explo and the like a nerdy dream camps, and can be amazing if that’s the vibe of your kid.

    8. CTY’s in-person programs are amazing! I strongly advise asking about air conditioning in the dorms. East Coast college dorms will be very, very hot and most do not have A/C. Lack of sleep really detracts from the experience.

       FYI, the CTY on-line programs are middling to terrible depending on the course. In-person is so much more worthwhile.

    9. I went to CTY for two years and loved it! The other kids were nerdy and nice and I loved ending up with friends from all over the world, and my teachers were really good and supportive. It was really one of my favorite experiences as a kid.

    10. I went to CTY and it was literally life changing. Kids who were into school! Learning interesting things and not just rote boredom! Learning how to not understand and fail! More than anything else, CTY taught me how to reach for hard things, that I could play in the big leagues, I didn’t have to be perfect all the time, and I didn’t need to have my hand held.

        If you send your kid, I recommend a non-city location. I was given an exciting amount of freedom (because there wasn’t much trouble to be had). The city locations have to be more guarded.

    11. CTY is the absolute best summer program for young teens, hands down. If your kid can get in and you can afford it, I wouldn’t even consider anything else.

    12. I did Andover’s summer program at that age and loved it, and I had friends who did Exeter’s and felt the same. It was a great academic experience but also a lot of fun. I made friends from all over the world and loved having that taste of independence.

    13. My kids did CTD, which is the midwestern version of CTY, and loved it. It gave them a real sense of independence and a taste of what it’s like to live in a dorm away from mom and dad.

17. Low stakes question, when referring to your job title, do you say “the” before it? Like, I’m THE communications director for this company, or just I’m communications director?

    Clearly spending too much time writing a new bio and either way is starting to look weird to me.

    1. Would not do “the” unless I wanted to compare with something else. “Hi, I’m the communications director and this is my staff: Sam is responsible for social media, Pam does charity outreach and Kevin is our current intern!

    2. I did when I was a department of one.

       For a new bio, like on the company website? I’d skip it. “Anon has been Company’s Communications Director for X years…”

       1. Yes this exactly, starting a new job and they want a bio to email to all staff.

    3. If I’m the only person doing the job, then the makes sense to me. I’m a senior plumber at Large Plumbing Company, versus I’m the senior plumber at Small Construction Co.

       1. Ha ok this is where I got caught up but couldn’t figure out why. I have typically been the only one doing a single job, but it looked weird to keep calling myself the so-and-so over and over.

          Thanks for humoring me, y’all.

18. I’m so excited to finally have a fashion question to ask here… Does anyone know the brand Mia melon and their waterproof wool coats (really, any of their coats)? I just stumbled across an ad on Facebook and they have the most beautiful dark teal color. I’m wondering how they hold up because I tend to wear coats for a very long time.

    1. I have also been curious since seeing some gorgeous coats in those ads! I’m also wondering how they fit for someone who’s very busty – their models have a very different build than mine!

    2. Not wool, but I got a Mia Melon jacket as a gift a few years ago (not sure which one, but it’s water resistant and lined in a light fleece). I love it! It’s flattering, waterproof but not squeaky or swishy, and the color is gorgeous. It has held up well with frequent use.

    3. I had one of their coats, and it is not fully waterproof. Water came in at the seams, which were not taped, and sort of bled into the areas around the seams, so I had dark wet stripes highlighting the structure of the coat. I was not impressed with the zippers either – the pulls were small and difficult to grab with gloves on. Also it was difficult to spot clean!

19. Are puffer coats still the “I live in an arctic wasteland” default, or has something more professional-looking magically appeared? My wool peacoat is not cutting it for this weather, and my down coat went in the trash last spring after I ripped it wide open.

    1. Put a down layer under your wool coat. Uniqlo is great for this.

    2. I suggest this every time someone asks this question, but check out Soia & Kyo. FWIW, I think any puffer coat is appropriate professional attire if you live in a truly cold climate.

    3. It depends how cold were taking. DC: not really okay, NYC: fine, Montreal: 100% okay.

       1. Last time I was in DC for work, I saw many long black down puffers and few wool coats. In my observation, the prevalence of puffers is highly correlated with public transit/walking commutes.

    4. Do you want to be warm or not?

    5. Dressing for the weather is professional. Dressing in something that doesn’t protect you from the elements just because it’s more stylish makes you look like a 20 year old intern.

       1. I don’t care, I hate looking frumpy. I feel better and move better when I’m happy with my outfit, outerwear included.

          1. I think people who are freezing their ashes off because they don’t want to wear weather-appropriate clothing look really dumb and I definitely judge them for it.

          2. What’s frumpy about the right puffer coat?

       2. +1 also layers. Wear more layers.

    6. I have been wearing a puffer coat as my main winter coat to work for 7 years, based on the date on my JCrew label. No one cares.

       1. Where do you find the date in the label?! Or do you write it in??

          1. There’s a date code on the little tag inside (usually under the fabric content / care tag) that also has the Style # – makes it super easy to look up online if you want a replacement via Posh, ebay, etc. J Crew usually looks like HOL 18 (holiday 2018) or SP14 (spring 2014). Gap/Banana/ON do the same thing.

             1. Yes this exactly, my puffer’s tag says HO 14 aka I purchased it at the end of 2014 in the holiday release :)

    7. A high-quality wool coat (knee length) should be plenty warm, unless you’re in Alaska or something. Is your peacoat thin? Lined?

       1. I do not think this is universally true. A lot of it depends on how much time you spend outside IMO. For me, a high quality wool (or cashmere) coat is not warm enough for the coldest days in NYC, where I spend a decent amount of time walking outside. If you were going from car to garage to office/store/etc, it might be fine.

       2. I’m in Philly and wear my wool coat for a 40 min walking commute no problem. I do have a ll bean puffer too, but 9/10 I choose the wool coat.

    8. Puffer coats are always fully acceptable in cold climates, IMO. Exceptions might be a super formal event or something like that.

    9. Yes, but consider PrimaLoft for the less bulky but warm option. Lands’ End and LL Bean have options that are super warm AND sleek.

20. I am in dire need of present ideas!

    My mother is turning 75 next week. She was supposed to come visit us (cross-country, first time in 2.5 years) but has cancelled because of COVID. I don’t have any present ideas – I was going to take the week off and had a bunch of local things planned. I can’t fly out there.

    About her: mobility restricted (uses a cane/walker), still unpacking from a move to a condo from a house, very traditionally British upper middle class, lives in a small town on the Atlantic coast. Plays a lot of card games, drinks a lot of sherry, active in her church, doesn’t have a lot of spare cash. Budget is up to $500. I’ve already ordered flowers. My sister lives nearby and can help with logistics if necessary.

    1. My FIL loved some photographs of friends and relatives that we put into a framed poster. He hung it up and showed everyone that visited. You could also make a book of these photographs. I realize this is a more time intensive gift, but he didn’t need or want traditional gifts.

       1. Or there’s such a thing as a digital photo frame to which you can send new photos electronically. I think that would be especially great if you have kids.

    2. A piece of art?

    3. Of the Christmas presents I received or bought for myself, I’m enjoying a Barefoot Dreams blanket and socks, good tea, and the new Kindle PaperWhite.

    4. Lavish hamper from Fortnum and Mason? I’m sure you can get one with a sherry in it.

       1. Like the F&M idea. However, I’d just caution that trying to import anything with alcohol in it is a nightmare. I sent my dad (in NY) a bottle of expensive vintage port that was only available in the UK and it got held up in customs for over a month, so ended up being a very belated birthday gift.

    5. Can you treat her and a friend to one of those special local activities that you had planned? The mother of one of my good friends used to pay for a dinner for a bunch of us at her favorite restaurant on her birthday. Even hire a driver to take her?
       Church donation in her name?

    6. Maybe something from the Metropolitan Museum of Art Store? They have lots of fun lamps, clocks, cups and saucers, tea and coffee pots, etc. as well as coffee table art books that would be a nice treat. I would look through their offerings and see if something leaps out as matching your mother’s tastes.

       1. …and apparently I was thinking of the MoMa Design Store. But both museums have great stuff!

    7. This was my mother-in-law to a T. Gift ideas – F&M hamper or equivalent (they probably don’t export with alcohol, though) plus prettily wrapped really good sherry, gorgeous brand-name silk scarf to wear to church/bridge, lovely brooch for her coat to wear to church, beautiful sterling silver photo frame with a great picture of the two of you or of you and your family to display at bridge/cards, framed montage of pictures of family ancestors (too much for next week I am sure), beautiful set of cards for bridge, lovely hardbound book about some historical period she is interested in, a hardbound photo book of your family adventures if you have kids (like Mixbook or whatever that she can show off to the bridge ladies – can be made pretty quickly online), beautiful leather gloves and hand cream…These ladies are tough to buy for, I will grant you that.

    8. Also what about a really beautiful folding card table and chairs? Somebody gave my first husband and me a nice set for our wedding and we used it for years and I still kind of miss it.

    9. A lightweight cashmere cardigan.

    10. Also, what about a beautifully written letter marking this occasions about what she means to you, how she has inspired you, etc. (assuming you have these feelings of course not everyone is in that position)?

        1. Great idea.

           1. we have a small table that swivels with a handle. am zon able life table

              and the assist for getting out of the car.

              very useful!

21. I had an interaction this week which I thought you all might find interesting. For context, I worked as an admin to put myself through school, and I was very good. My old boss reached out to me complaining about the lack of good admins and asking if I’d consider returning, I declined given I finished school and have a career now. We continued the chat after I turned down the job and discussed how all of the ‘best’ admins have moved on by getting degrees and higher level jobs. I don’t think my ex-boss really understood why competent people would have ambitions beyond serving them as admin for life, but at least I planted the seed. I could tell they were a little salty I wasn’t interesting in abandoning my career to help them though.

    1. I’d be curious to see if you could name an outlandish salary and see if he would bite. Just for kicks and giggles.

       1. Haha I actually make more than my ex-boss, so I’m not sure that would fly.

    2. To me, it’s funny how we pigeonhole certain jobs. I am a project manager with a graduate degree, but a number of my duties are very much those of a glorified admin (others are more exciting and make use of my experience). But hey, comp and growth opportunities are excellent, so yes I’ll format that report for you. Our admin assistants can actually stretch into my job title over time, which I think helps with keeping good people.

    3. oh man. of course it’s harder to find good admins, because the qualities that make a great one – organized, detail-oriented, adept at managing other personalities and priorities – also make a great base for a higher-compensated career! Smart women who may have chosen an admin career due to limited other opportunities in the past… now have infinitely more options, dude.

       1. Same with teachers I think.

          I’m all: show me the $ and that’s where I will go.

       2. My non-PC joke about this is that I blame feminism, but now incompetent men can also get jobs as admins.

    4. I have built a career as an admin. I have a college degree. I work for extremely high level executives, and make well into six figures. So let’s not go assuming that anyone who is “still an admin” (especially if they support people above you in an organization) doesn’t have a career or are slackers or idiots. That attitude is very easily detectable by us admins, and will come back to bite you in the butt.

       1. I think the issue is that someone of your caliber rightfully earns a ton of money, but some places refuse to accept that about administrative professionals.

          1. Completely. I’ve held many jobs over the years and now have an undergrad and MBA, but I can easily say one of the toughest jobs was my first “career”-type job as an admin!

       2. If ex-boss paid anywhere near six figures they could have all the talent in the world, I’d have even considered coming back. But these are entirely different types of jobs and pay bands, which I’m sure you knew when posting.

       3. You must admit that C-suite or otherwise high-level admin roles are a lot harder to come by than an average admin position, and are accompanied by the presumption of competence and that if someone is rude to you, it won’t go over well with an influential person. But the average admin opening at my org pays about a quarter of my salary so — not really an interesting alternative to me, which I’m sure you understand.

       4. If you are willing to share I would love to hear any advice you have for someone trying to grow into a role like yours!

          1. Oddly, it seems to be a lot about having an EA title for each job over the years, and having bosses titles that impress/increase over time. I got a lucky start as EA to the CEO of small (150 person) company, where the HR person read for skills on my resume despite my not having had the EA title before. Once I had an EA title showing on the resume, I made sure to choose jobs with that title, and bosses titles that were high level. I might have had more fun supporting an AVP at an interesting small firm, but turning that job down for the one supporting the CFO of a larger company lead to my growth along this path. Like many careers, luck and focus can lead to great things in the long run.

       5. Well said.

       6. Back in the day I supported myself in admin/clerical jobs for years, and they were good, good-paying jobs. I remember one assignment in the C-suite of a big oil company — I was literally the assistant to the assistant to the Executive Secretary to the CEO. Believe me, those women know where the bodies were buried and could make or break an up-and-coming manager. Those jobs still exist, as evidenced by High Level Admin, above.

          But even the secretaries (yes, that’s what we were called then) to the lower level managers had good pay and decent respect. With the advent of the computer age those are the jobs that have pretty much gone away or at least have devolved into more of what we used to call the “typing pool,” which a commensurate loss of prestige.

          1. I was the only woman manager at my second to last job, so of course it fell to me to manage the administrative staff. There was a lot of infighting between them but I think of it as fighting over the few crumbs the patriarchy left behind.

             But yes, if there’s a woman guarding the calendar of a high level exec you need access to, never forget that this woman needs to be your friend. Too many treat her as an enemy and that is the worst strategy ever.

       7. Eh, you are technically an executive assistant, not an administrative assistant. There is nothing wrong with being “just” an admin, but the pay is usually lower than what very talented people can make in other roles (including being an EA).

          1. This is true, but enough people refer to me as “xxx’s admin” that I feel compelled to go to bat for the Pam Beasleys of the world, and not consider myself somehow different because I’m older and more senior.

       8. I mean this in the best way, but you’re not who we’re talking about. Your duties go WAY beyond the duties and responsibilities of a typical admin – like you’re the 0.1% of admins. It’s a totally different ball game.

    5. How tone deaf. My assistant had a pretty impressive career before being laid off during covid, and she’s in her 50s and doesn’t feel super compelled to go back to corporate ladder climbing (I also think she’s super unstimulated in her current role and will leave soon which I would understand). Anyway I’m a partner at my firm and she’s like my mom’s age so I end up asking her for career advice all the time. I really appreciate her and our relationship, but will be 100% surprised if she lasts through the year. on the flip side though, now she has hobbies and gets to spend her time with her family and friends that was harder before so she might :)

       1. If this woman had gone on to have a non-admin career that paid much more, would you be trying to convince her to take a pay cut and come back to support you in order to make your life easier? Would you be huffy if she refused?

          1. Thank you.

       2. No of course not. I really appreciate her and her support and I also want her to be happy and have what she wants in life.

22. Skiers! What ski jacket do you have/recommend? I need to replace mine after …15??… years and a 4 year break due to kids and COVID.

    I’m a social mostly downhill skier. I just got nice new ski bibs from Montec but don’t love the jacket options.

    I ski mostly in Vermont where it is frigid and often icy, and with young kids that stop every 5 minutes.

    1. My go-to’s for VT skiing were always LLBean, North Face, Marmot. I personally like 2-in-1 jackets where you can zip the lining in/out depending on how cold it is, but not everyone likes that.

       1. I’ve also had success with those three brands and will offer to OP that if you’re looking for anything like “special” sizes (petite, plus, maybe also petite-plus) LL Bean tends to offer that sizing in multiple coats, versus other brands that don’t offer it or only do in one or two products.

    2. I like Obermeyer, Marker and Helly Hansen a lot but my current ski coat is made by Luhta (and is very warm!). I think Backcountry . com or PEter Glenn are good websites if you want to shop online.

    3. My kids and I currently are wearing Spyder. My husband has a Helly Hanson. I’m due for a refresh, too — got a hole near the zipper of my 15? 18? year old Spyder! I’m just going to look for what my local place sells — Orage, Spyder, Helly, Burton… support the small businesses.

    4. I have an Obermeyer jacket that I love–it has good pockets, is windproof, a bright color. I bought it from the Peter Glenn website, that carries lots of brands and has good sales. Windproof and breathable are so important in New England, so look for those features. A shorter jacket does not need a two way zipper, but longer jackets benefit from that feature. Enjoy!

    5. I’m the worlds cheapest when it comes to ski clothes, but I have had a ton of success wearing a Patagonia fleece as a base mid layer, a Uniqlo down jacket, and a one sized up North face rain jacket. It gives me a lot of flexibility depending on the weather conditions and I wear all the pieces separately when I’m not on the ski mountain.

23. Not the OP but in a post from a week ago (or maybe a couple weeks ago–I no longer have a sense of time), someone asked about getting a job as an administrative/immigration judge and someone responded that they had a great mentor in helping them become one and they’d like to pay it forward. To the one who wants to pay it forward, are you still willing to give your thoughts on the job and how to go about getting it? I’m interested in learning more if you are!

    1. I’m not that person, but just wanted to say good luck! I’ve been applying for these positions for years. I got on the ALJ list right before the administration threw it out. Then I was invited to apply for ALJ with SS (based on my position on the defunct list) but not interviewed. I had an interview for IJ a few years ago, but wasn’t selected. I was recently interviewed for IJ again and was selected for a second interview this time around. No news yet, but fingers crossed. It’s definitely a process.

       1. Wow, it does sound like quite a process. Thanks for letting me know how difficult it is. So it sounds like I should try to get on the ALJ list? Did you do so for an IJ as well or did you go about some different route? Congrats on making it to the second round interview! I will be crossing my fingers and toes for you!

24. Can I just say that I’m not all that COVID risk adverse – but having a coworker who tested positive on Friday at work in a cubicle maskless (only required to wear it when leaving the work station, for reasons unknown) is beyond even my comfort level.

25. I’ve been going out on dates and I find myself blabbering on and on because I’m nervous! It hasn’t hurt me too much because I keep getting asked out again, but it’s not a great indication of my true personality. I’m actually pretty quiet and thoughtful. Any tips for slowing down and calming nerves so I can be more authentic? I’ve been doing some deep breathing in the car before I go on the date, and it’s helping somewhat but would love to hear any other tips

    1. What about acknowledging right at the beginning? “Oh man, I get nervous on first dates and will probably talk too fast!” It gets it out there which is something that always helps me. Naming and owning it. But also, it happens and people get that, so please don’t feel badly about it

       1. I think this is a great tip to just own it at the beginning. Another idea is force yourself to ask them questions at the beginning and force yourself to focus on them instead of you talking from the beginning. I totally get it though–when I get nervous, I totally start blabbering and then I feel like I can’t stop and so I keep going.

    2. Don’t pick on yourself! It’s much better to default to being chatty than silent!

    3. I think getting at the root of why you’re nervous would help. Are you nervous about them being interested in you, so you blabber to ‘make your case’? If so you could flip that mental script and focus more on whether you are interested in them. Etc

       1. fwiw i do this when nervous!!

26. Advice for navigating a private home sale? We are relocating later this year, and will need to sell our current home, located in a desirable part of town. We’ve been approach by a friend of a friend to buy our house. Has anyone sold their house through a private transaction like this? We understand we’d potentially be leaving money on the table if we don’t list it, but there are advantages to selling to this particular buyer now (e.g., they’d agree to a lease-back, it would free up funds for us to purchase our next home, etc.)…any other pros/cons to consider?
    It’s late in the day for the morning thread, so I may re-post on another thread. Thanks for any insight!

    1. I would get a realtor even for a transaction like this. You could probably negotiate a lower commission given that it would be a “pocket listing” and the agent wouldn’t have to market the property.

       1. Ugh, mod. Trying again:

          I would get a realtor even for a tra n s action like this. You could probably negotiate a lower commission given that it would be a “pocket listing” and the agent wouldn’t have to market the property.

       2. I’ve heard this advice as well. What value-add does an agent provide, compared to say a real estate lawyer?

          1. Not sure as this varies by state. In my state it’s usual to have an agent but not a lawyer. I’d say in OP’s situation if you have a lawyer you may not need an agent but I am unencumbered by any actual knowledge of any jurisdictions other than my own.

    2. I’ve bought and sold two homes and both times have been like this. Now I can’t imagine wasting money on a realtor.

27. Re-posting to avoid mod…
    Advice for navigating a private home sale? We are relocating later this year, and will need to sell our current home, located in a desirable part of town. We’ve been approach by a friend of a friend to buy our house. Has anyone sold their house through a private deal like this? We understand we’d potentially be leaving money on the table if we don’t list it, but there are advantages to selling to this particular buyer now (e.g., they’d agree to a lease-back, it would free up funds for us to purchase our next home, etc.)…any other pros/cons to consider?
    It’s late in the day for the morning thread, so I may re-post on another thread. Thanks for any insight!

    1. We sold a house to a childhood friend and her husband. There were no holdups. We used a real estate lawyer and there was really no need to include a real estate agent. The buyers asked for radon remediation, which we agreed to pay for. If you are both reasonable people there’s no reason not to sell by owner. But, that’s a big If.

    2. By private, do you mean not listing for sale or using an agent? We bought a house last year from directly from the seller in that she didn’t list it and didn’t pursue any other offers. It worked for her as she didn’t have to even clean the house ( we gutted it), and we paid for all the inspections. I insisted on every inspection possible before we invested in a remodel. There was one issue found by an inspection, and she took care of it.

       This may be state dependent. We moved from CT, where you were required to have a real estate attorney, to CO where that isn’t a thing. We had a realtor because we were so far away, and the biggest benefit he gave was chasing up on stuff. The seller engaged an agent from Redfin for 1%, and that was a really good idea to have someone do the necessary paperwork. Our deal was cash, but I noted that if we had a mortgage company, they add discipline to the process.

       So, it’s quite doable but if you know an agent that will work at a reduced rate to make sure everything is done properly, I’d engage them.

       1. Thank you both for your responses. We assumed we’d list with the agent we used to buy the house, and then this potential buyer fell into our lap. It’s an open question whether we’d use our agent for the paper work (she’d for sure need to agree to a significantly reduced fee) or go without an agent and work directly with a real estate lawyer. This would be a financed purchase, so a lender would also be involved. Good to hear some success stories, thanks!

    3. I’ve sold privately once. My state (PA) has a standard contract, so I used the standard contract and forms and set up settlement with a title company. It all went smoothly and was a pretty simple process. It may help to use a real estate lawyer if you’re not familiar with real estate contracts or if there are special provisions.

    4. I’ll be the voice of dissent – how do you know the correct market value of your home? Zillow is a joke and many markets are changing weekly, especially if your home is more of a starter or even mid-level home. If you just accept what the buyer is willing to pay, you may be leaving the $$ on the table that you would have otherwise paid the realtor and their broker, who would help you wade through potential issues and take care of all the paperwork (which in some areas can be substantial).

       1. Good point. We’d almost certainly be able to sell for more if we listed; however, we’d have to sell for around $100k more through an MLS listing versus private sale to come out ahead, when you consider paying the agent fee and the value of several months of a no-charge leaseback. Without the no-charge leaseback, that changes things for us. Good reality check, thanks!

28. Does anyone have a rough idea of how long it takes for a bill to clear when you pay a hospital directly from an HSA? This is my first time using this type of health care.

    1. I’ve used HSAs/debit cards with two different banks and it’s never been different than any other card transaction – it posts within 1-2 business days.

    2. It’s just like any other credit card. A day or two for the charge to clear on your account and affect your card balance, but they normally zero out your bill as soon as the payment goes through.

29. Question, do you tell your doctor that you sought a second opinion? I have been treating with one specialist for 10 years, and I have been unhappy with the care provided and sought a second opinion from a specialist in the same field at a different practice. That specialist recommended a different treatment, but for reasons, I am not fully satisfied with the second opinion specialist either. I have an appointment with the original specialist in a few days and not sure if I should discuss the second opinion? I feel like I’m cheating on them both.

    1. Getting a second opinion is perfectly normal and of course you should discuss it with your original doc.

       1. Doctors are people too and I’ve had some doctors go off the rails with a weird rage/pride combo when they are not respected as the utmost authority.

    2. Do you really want to go back to the original specialist that you say you’ve been unhappy with? I think your best option might be a 3rd specialist. I’ve been in your situation. But fortunately, I clicked with the second specialist and have seen a huge improvement in my condition since I switched providers.

    3. I don’t think I’d want to go to a doctor that felt threatened or weird about a second opinion from a similar status physician (like, one academic medical center specialist to another. it’d be weird to have gotten a second opinion from a cheap telehealth service that staffs with docs who are barely hanging on to their license).

       That said, I’d prefer the doctors to discuss doctor to doctor, or at least second opinion doc to send a message to original doc with their thoughts. That makes it easier for me to ask something like: what did you think of the the theory that this problem is caused by x? or that y medicine would help?

       I wouldn’t start with asking original doctor to just prescribe a medicine second opinion doc thought would be good.

    4. I am not sure how it would benefit you to reveal this if you want to stay with doc #1. You can probably bring up the other proposed treatment as something you heard about more generally?

       There are doctors who will flip out, insist that the new doc is your doctor now, and refuse to see you anymore. And if you had gone on the second doctor’s proposed treatment, I think that would constitute transferring care (doc #1 understandably doesn’t want to feel liable for changes made by doc #2).

       Someone with background in medicine can correct me if I’m wrong about what a second opinion is. I’m not wrong about doctors sometimes turning away patients though; it happens.

       1. My spouse (physician) welcomes / encourages his patients to get a second opinion. Because he’s happy to be proven right. LOL.

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