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Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Minnie
What’s your personal narrative around saving for retirement? I ask because my husband refuses to contribute any significant portion of his paycheck to his 401k. His thinking is: “I want to have money now, not when I’m 65 and old and nothing matters anymore.” On one level, I sympathize. On another level, I realize that 70 year-old me is going to be really grateful to 29 year-old me that I’ve saved a bunch of money.
He’s more enthusiastic about the idea of putting a large portion of our savings (about $80k, which for our age and location is a lot of money and is currently sitting in a 2% savings account) into an index fund. Which I’m fine with, but then you don’t get that free employer money! I just don’t know what story to tell him about the value of retirement savings.
Data point: He comes from a country where healthcare is free at the point of use, so maybe the need to pay for healthcare in old age is not computing. Also, his parents have virtually no retirement savings, so there are not a lot of good models in his scenario.
Ribena
The value of retirement saving is the free money from your employer! You’re literally leaving money on the table if you don’t max out the match available.
Ali
Agreed! Rule 1 is always to max employer match and then saving an emergency fund. Remember to keep an eye on the fees on the investments in the employer account.
Anon
If he’s enthusiastic about saving, maybe the compromise position is he contributes enough to max out the employer match and the rest goes in an index. Otherwise he’s leaving free money on the table.
Minnie
I Yeah, the irony is that he’s SUPER enthusiastic about saving. Like, completely obsessed. There just seems to be a mental cliff for him about life after 65: he can’t conceive of ever being that old, I guess?
I think this suggestion to contribute just enough to max out the employer match is genius. It is a really good compromise.
Anon
The part about not imagining being that old was also me in my 20s. Like, 65 just sounded soooo far away. But for me, that just meant I contributed get the employer contribution instead of maxing out the annual 18k. Now in my 30s and realizing how fast time flies, I can totally see 65 from here. Tell him it’s free money he’s throwing away, both in terms of employer contribution and also tax benefits. If he’s uncomfortable about money being locked up, how about Roth IRA? You can withdraw contributions penalty free, just not earnings.
Maudie Atkinson
Do people in his family generally live to old age?
I think I have had (and to some extent still do have) a hard time imagining of living too far beyond my likely working years. The sad truth is that people in my family tend to die young. My dad, a paternal uncle, and my paternal grandmother all died before 60. My maternal grandfather died at 70. As my mom has gotten older (almost 67) and remained healthy and active, though, that mental block is starting to lift. And while I’ve never failed to max out my contributions to take advantage of the employer match, I have gotten more thoughtful and aggressive about other savings vehicles in recent years. I think that is in no small part because I have begun to see myself living longer.
By all means, he should be maxing out to get the employer match NOW, but it’s also possible some of his thinking–even unconscious thinking–might shift in the future.
Mpls
I’ve got the opposite perspective, but follows the same line of thinking. All of my grandparents (who didn’t die from cancer because they smoked) lived into their 90s. One of them is still living. So for me, that means I need to plan for the fact that I’m going to have to potentially fund 30 YEARS of life past my working years.
Yes, I try to enjoy the fruits of my labor now, but I balance it with saving for that time when I know I won’t be wanting/able to work. And likely won’t have kids that would help with those costs (my grands each has large family with lots of kids willing to provide either time or money to support their parents).
Anon
It may be worth going to a financial adviser to walk him through the logic. You’re leaving money on the table. You’re giving up favorable tax treatment. You know the drill.
My personal narrative is that I have kids, and I don’t want to burden them financially in my old age. Somebody once told – take care of your finances and take care of your health because if you don’t, your kids will be the ones who pay the price.
Minnie
I’ll be honest, I wonder if part of it is that in the culture he’s from, your kids ARE part of your retirement plan. I’m not okay with this at all–if my kid wants to colonize Mars, great. I want him to do that. I should not be his responsibility, and I want to while away my days in my luxury retirement home while I complain about the quality of the dining room eggs benedict. My husband says he agrees with me but I don’t know how real he feels this picture is.
Anon
I’m Indian, so I understand it a little bit. But I would still never do that to my kids. They will have their own lives, and (most likely) children to think about it. I couldn’t imagine putting my kids and/or grand kids in a worse financial position because I chose not to save for retirement. He may need to reframe his thinking about it.
Anon
That assumes that the kids do well enough themselves to help out. It also assumes that the grandkids are going to be healthy. If a grandchild becomes disabled or needs a lot of care (e.g., psychological), then it doesn’t matter if “the kids” are part of the retirement plan: they don’t have the time or money.
Anon
It also assumes that your children’s in-laws won’t need even more help. It doesn’t take many needy people to wipe out an entire family.
It assumes that you will both die before your own kids retire. If you both live until 95, do you want your kids working until they drop dead to support you? Anyone want to look them in the eye and say, “We retired at 65 and ran out of money; looks like you’ll have to work until you’re 80 to support us”?
blueberries
How does he expect to eat, cloth himself, pay for housing and healthcare, pay for any help needed, pay for small things so life isn’t so grim in retirement?
Unfortunately, there’s not much of a safety net in the US. From talking with a relative who tried to make it on Social Security alone (even with an inherited paid off house and low expectations), it’s really hard.
Saving for retirement at this stage isn’t about “having money” in retirement to travel, but to have enough. Once he’s at significant savings, he can reevaluate.
Dulcinea
Agree with blueberries. I see this all the time.
Monday
I know many people who are 65+, and none of them would say that they don’t need money because they’re old and nothing matters anymore. That sounds downright cruel and dismissive (to his future self and maybe also to future you).
Minnie
Right? It is a really strange stance. On the other hand, I also subconsciously felt that once I became a mom, I wouldn’t care about anything anymore because my life would be over, but obviously that isn’t reality (and hasn’t panned out at all), so I do kind of get his feeling even though I know it’s totally wrong. I think it’s just so hard to imagine yourself in another life stage sometimes that it’s almost like you’re planning for another person who isn’t you.
Is it Friday yet?
Right? My 71 year old dad who got in 40+ days on the slopes this season and just went heli-skiing in Iceland would beg to differ. Though on the other hand, my mom died of cancer at 67 and never actually got to retire, so.
Anon
Yeah, it’s such a mixed bag. My dad sounds the same as your dad (right down to the number of ski days), but his sister, who lived an even healthier lifestyle, died at 56. Lately I’ve been thinking the best thing to do is save enough in retirement so you won’t be actually destitute, but go on trips/do the more active hobbies now.
Vj
If he’s from a rich European country with cradle to grave gov support then you may have to educate him how things work here. Also, maybe he doesn’t see himself retiring in the US but going back to homeland? That was my case for many years.
Equestrian attorney
I’m from a “rich European country with cradle to grave gov support” (but no longer live there) and even if I were to consider going back, general consensus for people in my age range is that’s it’s extremely unlikely those benefits will still be around by the time we retire.
My DH also has trouble saving for retirement. He’s just not a long-term planner and it seems really remote and unreal to him. He doesn’t have an employer match, so it’s not that big of a deal for him, but I still basically forced him to contribute some amount to his 401k because I told him it wasn’t fair that I was the one who would end up supporting him in retirement. He got the point.
Kart
If he’s not taking advantage of employer match, he’s literally cutting his salary for no reason. Ask him if he would be okay with it if his paycheck was $500 short every time. That’s what’s happening when you don’t max out employer match of 401(k).
Minnie
Ooh, a very interesting take. I’ve never thought of it this way.
Vicky Austin
Life doesn’t end at 65! Surely that’s not what he wants.
Anon
Does he have an employer match? Not everyone does. I’ve never had an employer match – I worked at a large law firm for years, where my employer gave me no money for retirement. Now I’m inhouse at a university and my employer gives me a flat percent of my salary to retirement (it’s not a “match” because I don’t need to contribute anything to get it). If he’s not losing out on a match, I don’t really think it’s a big deal as long as he’s saving.
Anon
Law is weird in that a match isn’t a thing but all of my non-lawyer friends have an employer match.
Anon
Well, I listed two industries where no match is standard: law and higher ed. I’m sure there are others. I think it’s hard to know how bad a decision this is without knowing if he’s leaving a match on the table.
Anon
All higher ed places may not give a match, although I do know state schools that do, but they still contribute to your retirement. It’s not likely you are completely on your own. I don’t see how that example shows that employee contributions are not common.
Anon
Because if it’s not a match and you don’t contribute you aren’t “leaving money on the table” by not contributing. If he works for a university and they’re putting 10% in his retirement fund regardless of how much/if he contributes (my case), then it’s way less stupid for him to just save in index funds and not an official retirement account.
BabyAssociate
A match isn’t common in law, but it’s definitely not unheard of. I get 6%, some of my big law friends get 2-3%.
Maudie Atkinson
I’m in (boutique) law, with big law-type hours, clients, and compensation, and didn’t realize a match was uncommon in law. I get one.
Anon
It’s uncommon in “Big Law” (AmLaw 200) not in law firms in general.
anon
Does anyone know why this is? I just don’t get how they can splash out for huge salaries and fully comped summer bashes & then skimp on any retirement matching… why is this the standard?
Morningstar
I don’t understand. Food, shelter, health care, transportation … won’t matter anymore? Is there a way to inform him of the realities of retirement in the US and the insecurity of social programs here? And what is he planning on spending his fun money on that takes precedence over retirement and also the value of employer matching? Maybe some outside sources like your accountant, financial planning texts, or talking to retirees could help. Or maybe therapy if he is really clinging to this because it is an illogical choice — is he having some kind of emotional response that is clouding his judgement or maybe a cultural one? Or is he planning on … early death (with no regard for you or any children) … or going back to his home country? Things are weird here.
Veronica Mars
It’s taken lots of conversations to get my partner on board with increasing his retirement contributions. He under contributed in order to save for a house, and he already has substantial investments that he inherited, so he didn’t have a lot of motivation to save more than the minimum. The employer match is a great start, consider also having him contribute $6k to a Roth for similar tax savings. As a couple, my husband and I did Dave Ramsey’s FPU classes and in one of the videos, he pus a onesie over a piggie bank and says that he’s putting a little “tax coat” over the money. It’s the same money and same investments just with a coat to keep it from getting cold and getting taxed. It was a really silly segment but it stuck with us to think of the 401ks as a vessel for our investments.
Anon
Why would you contribute to an IRA when you’re not maxing your employer’s retirement options? That doesn’t make sense to me.
Veronica Mars
It’s in addition to the employer program. The Roth is also an attractive option because all investments grow tax-free and the initial contribution can be withdrawn at any time. It’s another nice option to consider.
Anon
You’re confusing Roth and an independent (non-employer) retirement account (IRA). Roth is a type of contribution (post-tax) and you can often do it through your employer. The $19k limit applies. IRAs can be either Roth or regular and have a $6k limit. Getting an IRA usually isn’t advised unless you’re maxing your employer contributions to the full $19k limit, not just contributing enough to get the employer match.
Veronica Mars
I don’t think I’m confused–let me explain. Through your employer, you can have a 19k limit on either a 401(k) or a Roth 401(k) (or 403b equivalent for public sector employers). That’s before match. In addition to that, you can open an Roth IRA for an additional $6k in contributions on top of either employer program. Now, some workplaces do not offer a 401k Roth, which means your only chance to have a Roth is through your Roth IRA. There’s no reason to discourage use of a Roth IRA just because you’re not fully maxing (19k limit) your 401k. They have different tax advantages. 401K has the advantage of pre-taxed money going into the account, so there’s more nominally to grow, and Roth IRA has the advantage of a small initial contribution, but tax-free growth. There’s also some considerations as to whether or not you think your taxes will be higher than when you were employed, the same, or lower. In any event, I recommend that everyone consider having both a 401k and a Roth IRA in order to diversify the tax benefits.
Never too many shoes...
Just out of curiosity – how much are old age/social security benefits in the US?
Anon
The max benefit is currently $2,800 /month but thats for relatively high earners ($130k+) who earned that salary for 35 years. If you earned less or for a shorter time your benefits will be less. And a lot of people think social security will run out of money before current 35 year olds get any benefits.
Anon
Yes, my retirement planning is done with the assumption that I will not receive any social security income. (I’m 38.) I don’t think they will eliminate SS for everyone, but I do think they will eventually eliminate benefits for high earners.
Gail the Goldfish
Yup. I work on the assumption I’ll get nothing from SS. Hope for the best, plan for the worst and all that.
Coach Laura
No the maximum is a bit over $3,000. I’m set to get more than $2,800 a month and I’ve only been at the maximum $130,000+ for 15 years, not 35.
They take your highest 35 years of income so some of my calculation includes the years I made $57,000 in my early 30s.
The $3000 also assumes that you work until defined retirement age which may be 66-69 depending on year of birth. If you start to claim benefits early at 62 it is reduced.
I agree that SS may not be around for people who are 35 now…not even sure if it will be viable in 20 years.
anon
Yikes, does he know any 65-year-olds? His attitude is completely self-defeating, not to mention insulting to those currently in that stage. (My mom is in her 60s and has more energy and drive than most people half her age. Certainly more than I have, at age 38.) I don’t know how you change his attitude on aging, but …
I would appeal to his more rational side. He’s literally leaving money on the table by refusing to invest in a 401k plan. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing! You can still have investments and savings while taking advantage of your employer’s plan.
Anon
Your husband is a dumbass. Sorry.
Ellen
So what’s new? We must take up the lead on area’s like this, as men we know all live for the moment, and as soon as they do their thing, it’s done and then we have to pick up the pieces. How different is this? We will have to care for geezers like this we marry today and stick with (come better or worse), and if he’s spent his savings on beer for 40 years, guess what, he will be bald with a big beer gut and will have to get an automated motorized wheelchair b/c we are not strong enough to push him around then (unless we dump him sooner). My ex would have been this schmoe, but since he is my ex, I don’t have to worry about it. YAY!! I recommend you lay down the law to him NOW, and ensure you control the money, or their will be NO money later. FOOEY!
Dulcinea
In my line of work I see a lot of people in their 60s who are broke and facing homelessness because life is unpredictable along the way and can suck away your savings/home equity. Designated retirement savings aren’t a magic shield but sure would help.
Anonymous
How about this for a story “you aren’t a child and I’m not making up fairy tales for you. We are going to need a bucket load of money to survive retirement, and one of the few benefits we get is a tax advantaged account that your employer will contribute to. You can’t replace those benefits with other savings. Absolutely yes we need to put whatever of our savings is more than an emergency fund into an index fund or at least make a real decision about our plans for it, but we also both must save for retirement.”
Anon
Sounds like maybe he got some, but not all of the FI/RE concepts but missed out on the idea of putting money in your 401(k) up to the available match.
Is he maybe poorly articulating that he’d like to be retired before 59 1/2 and wants to avoid the tax penalties of taking money out of a 401(k) early? I only mention this as a possibility since he seems fine with socking money away in a non-tax-advantaged account.
anon
“Nothing matters” at 65? What about having a roof over your head, food in your refrigerator, a vehicle to get around? Or does he think someone else is magically going to pay for those things? He seems to think saving for retirement is saving for extras, not necessities. Even if your home is paid off at retirement age, you will still have maintenance, insurance, heating/cooling etc., not to mention other costs of living.
On some level, I’m jealous of your husband’s lack of worry. I lie awake in bed at night worrying about how we will pay for necessities in old age. Although in reality neither extreme is healthy.
Anonymous
Mine has been “sock it away early and you get flexibility for later.”’
I am 35 and DH is 36. We have just over 500k and 400k of that is Roth/post tax. This year we needed cash for a home reno and just cut retirement contributions. Normally that would be a terrible idea but we are far enough ahead in our savings that 9 months less wont set us back. We’re about to start up again and remarked how crazy it was that we were able to do it and not feel irresponsible.
Anon
Another point: women live longer than men. My husband is 7 years older than me. When we married, I realized he hadn’t been saving for retirement (!). I flat out told him that I wasn’t going to fund our retirement so he could leave me a penniless widow. We both maximize our retirement savings.
Another anon
Money in a 401k is shielded from creditors. Money in index funds is not.
Anon
And colleges, if you plan to have children. Your kids will not get any financial aid if you have $1M in index funds, they may very well get aid if you have $1M in 401(k)s and minimal other savings.
Minnie
Wow. Mind blown. I’m not sure I was aware of this but that’s an important consideration. (If all goes according to plan, our son won’t qualify for any aid anyway, but still–this is important to know.)
Anon
Yep, equity in your primary residence and traditional retirement accounts (401(k), 403(b), etc) are generally excluded from your “assets” for college financial aid purposes. They do the calculation based on your income and other assets (529s, other liquid savings, rental property, etc.)
index fund
Maybe someone already said this (there are a lot of comments) but putting money in an index fund and into a 401k are not incompatible. I have my 401k money in three different index funds and other funds.
anon
Same- my husband and I max out our 401k & dependent accounts… and then save an add’l 12k or so a year in index funds.
Anonymous
Anecdotally my parents saved a bit over $4 million for retirement for the 2 of them and are living their BEST lives now in retirement age. It is really eye opening, and motivating because I want that life. You can have it all, just not all at once, and all that…
Ali
I read many of the dating and relationship comments on the Caitlin Pump post two days ago and am shocked by unrealistic standards. I research dating and relationship behaviors (11years now) so I see many of your concerns as real but the vast majority of individuals who end up alone with high standards are 40-55 year old women and men without equal standards. How can you expect someone to wait for you to grow your career when the objective of the relationship (for them) is to procreation? I interview men and many(!) have begun to open themselves to poly relationships if it means they can mate with multiple women without marrying. Also, men aren’t pursing education at the level they did 10-20 years ago as women have surpassed them 16 years ago. There are a shortage of “educated successful white collar men”. There aren’t a shortage of men but standards aren’t realistic and a few comments from Tuesday’s post urged me to want to reach out to some of you for my research.
– Ali
Huh?
“Mate with”?
Vicky Austin
t r 0 l l for sure.
Anonny
Not even a good one either, the diction has a lot of indicators of the author being male.
Anonymous
Indeed.
Ali
Apologies for sounding robotic. I’ve academically interviewed individuals who have active plans to have children with one woman and then leave them for another after a few years. They have this sense of entitlement. I don’t think I highlighted it well but I was trying to show some of the pitfalls for not vetting a partner.
Anonymous
Your post makes no sense go away.
Anon
A scientist or other legitimate researcher would never say “mate with”. They may say “procreate with”. Give me a break and go away.
Anon
What’s your point?
Anon
Big pile of nope!
Inspired By Hermione
I am begging people to please not engage here.
Leatty
DH and I have similar disagreements about retirement savings. I max out and receive 6% matching from my employer. My husband is currently only contributing 12k + 6% matching. I’ve been gently pushing for him to contribute the max because I don’t want to worry about money in retirement.
In your situation, I’d recommend a compromise: he contributes enough to get his employer’s match, and the rest can go in index funds/general savingd. You could also suggest saving x% of his salary for retirement this year, then increasing by 1% annually until he maxes out. I’d also recommend running the numbers so he understands the tax implications of using taxed funds to invest v. pre-tax dollars.
Anon
Even contributing the max will not mean you don’t have to worry about money in retirement, I’m sorry to say. This is coming at you from a mid 50s person who has contributed the max, with employer matching, from day one. If I didn’t have significant other savings I’d never be able to retire. The 401k alone won’t do it.
That said, it makes a HUGE difference to contribute the max, and to do it early.
Anon
This seems a little extreme. I have many family members who are retired/retiring, who have less than $200k in savings and a paid-off house. They are doing ok. Yes, it is not the lifestyle I want in retirement (no travel, little spending for entrainment), but I would prefer that to working forever.
Anon
They are ok as long as they are healthy… what happens when they need to go to a home or need more help at their own homes?
Anon
Completely true that they will have to spend down all their assets and rely on public assistance if they need a nursing home, but I don’t see how that is an argument that (1) savings significantly more than they did by maxing your retirement contributions is insufficient or (2) that someone will never be able to stop working if all they do is max their 401k. Working forever isn’t going to solve the problem of paying for a nursing home, since they never made much money. What little more they could save by continuing to work until they physically can’t would be eaten up by the costs in no time.
Morningstar
Anon at 10:48 … Not worrying about it, though, still isn’t really a sufficient retirement plan. Is that what you’re trying to argue here? I totally understand that it can be impossible to save enough, and sometimes people have to retire anyway. But I don’t think you’re examples are necessarily success stories. Will public assistance be enough or will such “entitlements” even exist in the Future? Will the nursing homes they qualify for be too full to accommodate them? If they can accommodate them, will the care be adequate?
Anon
Morningstar – The idea of saving enough to fund a nursing home isn’t an attainable goal for 90%+ of the American population. I’m of the view that creating unattainable goals isn’t helpful and discourages the average person from saving at all. The idea that you can max out your retirement savings for the 40+ working years of your life with a match, and still not have enough money to retire just isn’t an accurate view. That is more money then the vast, vast majority of Americans have at retirement.
So many people here act like you need $5 million plus to retire. That isn’t a universal prospective, especially since the average American doesn’t even make that much in their lifetime.
Anon
Morningstar, your privilege is showing. My parents are teachers. They are incredibly frugal people who have always saved well more than 10% of their incomes for retirement, but their combined household income has never cracked six figures. When they retire they will continue living frugally in their paid-off house and should be fine on their own incomes until they need nursing care. When they need nursing care, they’ll spend down the rest of their savings, sell the house and spend the proceeds, and then go on Medicaid. That’s the reality in America for the tens of milliions of people who don’t earn six figures and simply cannot save the amount to fund years of private nursing care.
Anemone
I agree that it’s not feasible for most US workers to ever save enough for elder care. My father-in-law is in a midrange dementia nursing home in a LCOL area, and it’s still 12k a month.
Anonymous
No privilege here. I come from the bottom & have seen how devastating low income can be and how poverty effects the brain, etc. I actually think it’s a privileged view to assume that somehow you will be magically taken care of … even by the government aka Medicaid & spending down, and etc. I don’t have a better plan, I truly fear that I couldn’t depend on this strategy. Is it really widely considered fact that this is just what one does and it will be available and sufficient when one needs it?
Anon
“Is it really widely considered fact that this is just what one does and it will be available and sufficient when one needs it?”
Yes, because what’s the alternative for people who aren’t in a position to save that much? Sitting around worrying about not having $5M in retirement doesn’t accomplish anything positive. Better to enjoy your life, save as much as you can and hope for the best.
Morningstar
This is all very “thoughts and prayers”. No one balked at the suggestion above that social security might not be around. Are we more confident about Medicare? Yes, we all have no option but to save what we can … I agree!! But … we might also all be out on the street vs in government funded care, especially in this political environment. Is it doing anyone any favors to pretend we have a secure fall-back plan if our personal funds run out?
Anon
Right. The average American has something like $100k in liquid savings at age 65 and most of them don’t end up on the streets. Everyone on this site thinks you need a $5M net worth to retire but that’s simply not attainable for anyone who isn’t in the 1%. Someone who contributes $19k per year for 40 years and has an employer match is going to have a couple million in retirement by age 65. That’s objectively a huge amount of retirement savings.
OP
Idk – let me know how you feel when you’re sitting where I’m sitting. “I know a guy” isn’t really applicable here.
Anon
Between matching your 401k and an employee match, you have something like $1M for one person after 30 years, right? I would be perfectly ok with that
Anon
Should be way more than $1M – closer to $2M with growth.
OP
Again, you don’t know till you’re there
Anon
Again, literally only the top 1-2% of earners even have the option to save that much. You’re insanely privileged if you think $2M in retirement isn’t ‘enough’. Many people would have to be putting 50% of their pre-tax salary in retirement to even dream of saving that much.
anon
It’s not $2mil in retirement… it’s half after taxes & even less after inflation. Later life (like VERY later life) care costs a few thousand a month minimum to be comfortable and cared for. It’s not a privileged point of view- it’s facts, and it doesn’t become not facts, just because many people in the country will have a pretty awful end of life experience. Many current retirees have some social safety nets, as well as pensions, that will not exist for our generation, so we better prepare.
Interview outfit help!
Help me pick an interview outfit? I am mid-30s, interviewing for an attorney role in government with significant management responsibilities. I am very well qualified, but trying to strike a balance to not appear either too young or too harsh.
I only wear neutrals. My 80% of the time work uniform is a black dress (mostly MM Lefleur or JCrew), sometimes a black suit with a black silk top. The only non-black things in my wardrobe are white/cream or gray. All of the below options fit great.
1 – classic black sheath dress with classic matching black jacket
2 – black open lapel-less blazer (Theory stretch wool open jacket) with:
2a- matching black slim fit pants that hit at the ankle and a black silk top
2b – same pants with a cream silk top
2c – matching black pencil skirt with black silk top
2d – same skirt with cream silk top
Any of the options could go with black pointy toe suede heels or black almond toe flats with a gold detail. I am comfortable walking in either. I always wear the same minimal gold jewelry and have a large black leather cuyana tote.
Thank you!
Anon
You really don’t need our help. You just said you have several great-fitting, professional options with accessories at the ready. Just pick one. Sometimes stuff doesn’t need to be crowd-sourced.
Anon
I’d do 1, 2b, or 2d. If you do wear head to toe black, break it up with a necklace like white pearls.
Anonymous
I mean why ask? All of those are very severe and dreary. Can you not add a colorful necklace to the first option? Or buy a blouse in a color?
Anon
Dissenting opinion – color looks cheap with black. Another neutral would look better. But I certainly wouldn’t call a black outfit dreary – I’d call it chic.
Tessa Karlov
Double dissent! I think that a splash of color wouldn’t hurt here, but whether or not head-to-toe black/other neutrals works depends on the person wearing it. OP, I’d go with 2b or 2d because I like the look of black and cream with gold accents. I’d also wear the flats.
Anon
Agree with you on the pop of color + black. I think an interesting contrast in texture or pattern is classier than a black suit and a bright blouse.
Anon
I would do 2b or 2d; 1 is also perfectly fine, though I agree that it should be broken up with a necklace perhaps. I’d stay away from the black separates for an interview. Heels if you want to go more “conservative” for an interview, and I think heels go better with a pencil skirt or at least the more conservative and traditional choie, but flats are perfectly OK and acceptable for an interview!
Cat
I’d go with 1, with the heels. That reads chic, not dreary.
A black skirt suit can read young with a cream blouse, and somehow the black blouse strikes me as “too much black” in a way that the dress/jacket does not.
A more “modern” cut like ankle pants, even though they’re well established as regular-day workwear, may not go over well if your interviewers are conservative types.
Housecounsel
Agree about too conservative reading young. I interviewed for jobs at 25 and then not again until my early 40s. I took great joy in dressing like me the second time around. Professionally, yes, but not cookie cutter interview-ish. I wore a Theory moto jacket that I just love. I’d do 2(b) of the options above.
Anon
I have a chronic illness that has prevented me from realizing some of my professional goals and I’m struggling with the person I saw myself being in my 20s with who I am now in my mid-30s. I have migraines, and with major lifestyle modifications, I’ve been able to reduce them from about 8-10 a month to around 2. I’ve tried preventatives and they just make things worse. I am able to control them by exercising 30 minutes daily, drinking tons of water, eating a primarily vegan diet, not eating sugar, meditating and reducing stress. I actually have a great job that allows me the flexibility to care for myself and it’s virtually zero stress. However, it’s pretty dead-end and leaves little room for career growth. I always saw myself doing so much more but I don’t apply for new jobs because I worry I won’t be able to devote the time to self-care and it’ll aggravate my chronic symptoms. I know I should be happy where I am at but I guess I’m having a hard time accepting things. I wanted more and I saw myself doing more. Any advice?
anon
I think it’s OK to grieve the career you thought you’d have at this time. The loss of a dream, or a trajectory, is still a loss.
It’s not quite the same thing, but I see this in myself on some level. I have struggled with anxiety and depression, and self-care (along with medication/therapy) is essential to keeping my conditions in check and to prevent them from overwhelming my life. Any job that would a) add too much stress; or b) inhibit my ability to practice self-care is a nonstarter. It does limit my career options to some extent, but that choice is better than the alternative.
Hugs to you — it sounds like you’ve found a lifestyle that works for you, and that’s commendable. So many people never get to that point.
Morningstar
Maybe some new goals that can be flexible (in terms of completing them when your able) like writing some articles or occasional mentoring?
Also, there is immense value in optimizing your health through diet/exercise/etc. Consider that as a priority we all should have and an accomplishment that you set aside the time and energy to do that. And there is of course value to having a well balanced life and accomplishments outside of work.
I wonder do you feel like you might be holding yourself back unnecessarily? MorningsIs there anyway to test that out? Maybe see if you can handle taking a class in addition to work or making other commitments that are less permanent than switching jobs but will tell you if you can juggle more?
Frilly Lizard
I just want to say that I totally get you. In the past few years, I’ve found out that I have a chronic syndrome, that while stable currently (finally!), may get worse and will never go away. I’m mid-30s and always envisioned myself moving ‘up and out’. My current job is amazing and I could literally transfer to any site across the globe but when I get excited about the prospect, I also have to reality check myself that I have a TEAM of doctors that have taken YEARS to establish; I have monthly appointments and medications; and family/BF here to help me when I need it…. the thought of trying to put that together somewhere else is totally depressing and quite frankly, daunting.
I have no words of wisdom for you except that you are not alone. Especially when you are feeling good and think everything is possible – that’s the worse for me. I am doing a 2nd master’s degree and do get to travel monthly for work so that helps, and doesn’t aggravate my syndrome too badly. I am also struggling with “but I want to do this; this is not where I want to be in life!!!!!” and the “how could I literally pull it off when my body randomly decides to fall apart”….
Anonymous
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I also have migraines but they are not well controlled right now, and I’m in a stressful job that definitely doesn’t help things. But it’s tough to find the right balance. Before this I had a job that was way less stressful but I was bored out of my mind in a way that wasn’t sustainable for me. I think it’s a bit of a compromise no matter what I do.
Can I ask what you do for your daily exercise? I’m struggling with what I’ve tried so far (Orange Theory – too intense, Core Power Yoga – too hot, jogging – too bouncy, walking – too boring. I’d love to know what you’ve tried that seems to be working for you.
OP
Thanks everyone for your responses. They are very helpful.
As for the daily exercise, it was a bit of trial and error for me. I had your same issues with each of the types of exercise that you name. I do this 30 minute cardio workout on youtube by Body Project called “Intermediate Cardio Workout.” It’s 32 minutes and is a combination of high intensity and low intensity with a warm up and cool down. It’s the perfect combination for me. It does get boring doing it 5-6 days each week but I really feel like it works. My migraines are better when I consistently do this. I will even modify the high intensity moves to be less bouncy on some days. Also, I live in the Midwest so when it’s nicer out I will do a brisk 20 minute walk while listening to an audio book/podcast. I work in a really hilly area so I do this on my lunch break and will replace the 30 minute cardio with this instead.
Anonymous
Thank you for the recommendation. I will check it out!
Chronic Career Girl
So this is pretty much what my life is now. I struggled and resisted the changes for a long time, but my condition won’t let me work like I used to or planned to. I ended up leaving my high level stressful job for one that is easier and allows me to the flexibility that I have to have to keep my body going. It’s not as engaging, but I’m actually well enough to go out to dinner after work, and I go to yoga most every week which is essential for me. And when I have a bad night and I have to miss a few hours of work, the world doesn’t end and I’m not in trouble. To get to where I am now and accepting of my new reality I’ve done and still do therapy every week. Mourning what I thought I would be was a big part of it and without therapy I might still be stuck in that mindset which was pretty bad. I also moved back to a town where I knew I could get the health care I needed and I won’t be taking a job out of the area because I don’t want to start all over with both a new health care team and rebuilding a support network.
eertmeert
I have a chronic illness, too, and have had similar struggles. Left my high-stress, demanding was-my-dream-and-goal job and am working in the same field, but in much different, lower stakes capacity.
I had to accept that dream needed to shift.
One thing I do, is make new goals. I plan to get a new certification in a few years (that will take me time to study for and pass) which will enhance my current knowledge set. I need to keep learning and growing intellectually for personal health. But beyond professional learning, I’ve taken up knitting in the past few years, and there are always new and more challenging projects I can work on that will satisfy that need.
It was a bit of a heartbreak to leave the original dream behind, but now I wouldn’t give up my health for anything. I hope you find the tools you need to achieve more balance.
Azera
I own this tee and it is lovely quality and a flattering fit. I adore the colours and print! It is quite clingy material though so wont really skim over any areas you might want to hide!
Small Firm IP Litigator
I have a similar tee from Ted Baker. Agree with the above! Wearing a cami underneath is recommended, particularly for light colors.
Style suggestions needed
Shopping help? Need a dress for my sister to wear to a daytime government ceremony. Dress code is business but she works a manual job and doesn’t have anything. don’t really want something she won’t wear again as it seems wasteful but no dress rental services available here.
So looking for something passably business that can be worn to other more formal events (fundraiser dinners, etc). Size 14, very busty apple shape. Style suggestions? I don’t know what to look for.
Anonymous
Well, where are you? No point in us giving suggestions that she can’t get shipped!
Style suggestions needed
Canada! Ottawa, specifically.
Anonymous
https://m.thebay.com/tommy-hilfiger-remedy-dot-jersey-a-line-dress/product/0600090675167?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302024714&R=192114413828&P_name=Tommy+Hilfiger&N=302024714+4294964423+4294966126+4294925852+4294966078&bmUID=mIIfUr9&pdp=1
Anon
Hey fellow Ottawan!
Anon
This is exactly what consignment stores are for.
Anonymous
I’m a Talbots fan so I’d buy a navy dress with sleeves from their Wear to Work category (more versatile than black in my opinion, can wear to wedding but still wear to a funeral), but people here recommend Lands End Ponte dresses often- in a basic color this might be something she can wear for years to a lot of different places.
Anonymous
Old Navy Canada actually has a few dresses in solid colors that would work (website has the best options and you can pay for two day shipping) Order a few sizes/options and send back what doesn’t work. Reitmans and RW and Co are also relatively inexpensive and have business appropriate options. There’s one or both at Rideau Centre and Bayshore I think. Not 100% sure how much RW has in plus sizes so I’d start with Reitmans.
Never too many shoes...
Reitmans or Ricki’s or Suzy Shier are all good Canadian options. Addition Elle is also good and there are actual stores in and around Ottawa.
Anonymous
the oldnavy ponte knit dresses are great
Lobbyist
Try ThredUP. Used clothes, search by very good quality, that way she won’t spend a bunch of money on something the may not get much use of.
Anon
Good for her!
If there’s a Laura near you, check out the sale section – they have a straight 14-16-18 as well as plus sizes starting at 14. I’m 5′, size 14, apple shaped but not busty, and almost all of my suits are from their clearance rack. (The website doesn’t have anything promising, but the shops tend to have things that have sold out online).
The Old Navy ponte sheath dress is surprisingly flattering for the price point, as others recommended above, but may not work on someone busty. I don’t think the jersey dresses would be formal enough, but they’re super comfy.
I have the sleeved version of this in an XL, and it has lots of room in the bust: https://www.thebay.com/chaps-tie-front-jersey-sheath-dress/product/0600090900686?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302024714&R=885032256805&P_name=Chaps&N=4294965021+302024714&bmUID=mIIsl_U
This one’s on sale, but it might need a slip or cami: https://www.thebay.com/chaps-jersey-fit-and-flare-dress/product/0600090595081?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302024714&R=885032000606&P_name=Chaps&N=4294965021+302024714&bmUID=mIIsl.K
Anonymous
Where can I find reviews and recs for personal trainers in my area? I live in NoVa and want to find a trainer near Burke/Fairfax. I am new to physical fitness (total couch potato), but want a trainer to help me learn how to lift and help me be more consistent.
Recs
Have you tried asking your neighbors on next door dot com?
Burkalicious
My husband loves Kenny at Onelife Fitness in Burke; has been going to him for a few years now.
Remove hair upper lip
Help – please tell me the best way to remove hair from upper lip. I just turned 40 and my former method (bleaching) doesn’t seem to work as well as it used to.
I would rather not wax (that’s the recommendation of all of my female family and friends)… I envision it will be too time-consuming to go to salon (I imagine I’d have to go every 2 weeks) and I have really sensitive skin and am concerned about skin infections.
All of the cream removers seem to get poor product reviews online… what do you use?
Anonymous
Waxing. It is the best way.
Anon
I started electrolysis last year. I did not have enough treatments to remove all the hair from my upper lip, but it made a very noticeable difference. I have just gone back to bleaching the little bit that is left.
anon
Go to ulta dot com and search for Flawless – Instant and Painless Facial Hair Remover. I use it a few times a week. It’s fast, it doesn’t hurt, and it gets the job done. I wouldn’t use it for brows or anything, but it works well for the upper lip and chin, which are my problem areas. (Know thyself … I absolutely hate waxing my sensitive skin, and the cream removers never worked for me.)
anon
Update: I thought this was pretty intuitive, but I guess not (based on the reviews about acne), but it works best on a clean, freshly washed face.
Housecounsel
Can this be threaded? I love threading my brows.
Anonymous
I either use one of the small razors designed for this/eyebrows or do threading. I either do threading when I get my nails done or just pop in – it takes 5 minutes. I have a scar on my eyebrow from a salon eyebrow wax years ago so I no longer do any waxing on my face.
Anonymous
get disposable eyebrow razors (there’s a brand called tinkle on amazon lol, other options are available but that’s my favorite despite the name) and throw them out after each use to be as sanitary as possible.
Senior Attorney
Yep. This. Easy peasy and cheap.
Anon
Tinkle razors. Don’t wax – that’s the more expensive, painful, and time-consuming way to do this. Get thee to Amazon ASAP and get the razors.
Anon
Yup, this is the easiest course of action. I look for growth each day (or so) when I do my make up and keep the little razor with my make up so it’s to clean it up on the spot.
Abby
I’ve been scared to use any kind of razor on facial hair because I don’t want it to grow back quicker, darker and thicker…is this a myth or this razor just doesn’t cause these things? I can’t believe I’ve been waxing if I could have used this razor instead..
Anon
No it doesn’t grow back blacker or stiffer. That is a myth.
Anon
It’s a myth. It does tend to LOOK darker and thicker when it grows back because what is at the surface is not a brand new hair but the middle of a hair, where it is thicker and darker. The razor makes life easier because you can do it everyday if needed without an appointment…and it’s painless to boot!
I have done off and on laser on my upper lip and recommend it. It doesn’t work 100% (unlike my legs and bikini) but does thin things out so there is less to keep shaved.
Anonymous
I get that the hair isn’t scientifically growing back thicker or darker, but if it LOOKS darker because of how a blunt cut hair grows then it is darker for all intents and purposes, right? This is a situation where perception is reality.
Anonymous
I do this, also. At first I was really freaked out at the idea of shaving but it is just so cheap and so easy and so painless that I don’t even care anymore. I do it once a week and it takes about 2 minutes.
Anon
I use a tinkle razor. My facial hair is not abundant, but the stuff I do have is insistent on sticking straight up.
electrolysis
If you’re looking for a permanent solution, electrolysis. However, it is time consuming and not cheap, but it is permanent. I got it done 10 years ago and haven’t touched up since. Just amazing.
Anon
I just shave it off once a month… lady hair doesn’t get stubbly in the same way (and I’m super hairy).
Anon
Lol just read the comments- glad I’m not the only one! My skin is super sensitive and this is the only thing that doesn’t give me a pimply rash.
Anon
You’re not kidding. I got threaded once and it took a layer of skin off my upper lip. I walked around with a scab for a week and a red area for far longer.
I will never try threading or waxing on my face again!
Explorette
The Tweezerman Smooth Finish hair remover! It is amazing and has changed my life! It pulls the hair from the roots so it grows back finer. I use it once a week, and it takes just a few minutes. It does hurt the first few times, but then it gets pretty painless.
Parfait
I have one of these and it works really well for me. I wouldn’t describe it as “pretty painless,” though. It definitely stings and makes my eyes water. But it is very efficient, so it’s over quickly.
Anonymous
I buy wax on amazon (along with the wax strips) and do this myself every week. Super easy. I also buy the facial razors to take care of whatever doesn’t get picked up by the wax and other light hair on my face.
In-House in Houston
I bought this on Amazon and it’s under $20. It isn’t a razor, but it grabs the hairs and pulls them out. To me it’s better than shaving.
https://www.amazon.com/ElectriBrite-Epilator-Electric-Rechargeable-Underarms/dp/B07Q7GC95M/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=QTVSD35V5ICW&keywords=women%27s+epilator&qid=1559837084&s=beauty&sprefix=Women%27s+epila%2Caps%2C152&sr=1-2-spons&psc=1
Anon
-1 on epilator – if you’re sensitive to waxing you will have the same issues. I had an ingrown hair after epilating my upper lip. Now I use GiGi hair removal cream, it works like a charm with no irritation.
Anemone
I thread it myself. I slather on a benzocaine lotion beforehand. It hurt the first couple times, but my skin adjusted and now it’s NBD.
anon
we just took new headshots at work – our last ones were a little over 2 years ago and wow i’ve aged. i do now have 13 month old twins, but i need some anti aging skincare tips.
Em
I tried a few things and the only thing that has made a difference is prescription strength retinol (OTC did nothing for me).
Housecounsel
Agree – prescription retinol and Botox if you’re so inclined.
Anon
Sorry to be pedantic. Retinol is OTC. The prescription stuff is a retinoid.
Em
No need to apologize…I actually didn’t know that so I appreciate the correction!
Anon
Glad you took it well! The longer version of retinol vs retinoids (retinol is a retinoid, but rx tretinoin is not retinol) is here. Or as my derm says “retinol is just marketing”
https://www.verywellhealth.com/retinol-vs-retin-a-4155865
Anon
Curology! Prescription stuff you order by app. Easy and cheap, and they give good advice too.
Anemone
I’m a research junkie, and from what I’ve found there is reliable clinical evidence for the effectiveness of retinoid, hyaluronic acid, and Vitamin C. And, of course, daily SPF.
Housecounsel
And I believe all those ingredients are in Tri-Luma, aren’t they? Well, except sunscreen, which is a must.
anon
Can anyone provide input on how the Allbirds Tree Skippers fit? There are no half-sizes, and I range in shoe size between a 7 and 7.5. Thanks in advance!
Azera
No advice on the size, but I’d love to know how supportive these are? Is there any arch support? And could you walk fairly long distances in these in comfort?
Ms B
No idea on the Skippers, but I am between sizes and am glad I sized up in Allbirds. They do have free returns and that process went great when I had to send back a pair where the color was different in person than on-screen, so do not hesitate to get two sizes and then return one.
headshot questions
Would you wear a cobalt blue blazer for a head shot? I’m a new partner at a midsize firm if that matters. Thinking of wearing the blue blazer with a cream color shell. It is a half body shot. Also, I’m debating getting a blow out the morning of. Is that overkill? My hair is pretty fine and tends to look not so nice by the end of the day. I can get a 7 am appointment and my picture is scheduled for 12:15. Any other head shot tips? I’ve never done anything special for them in the past.
anon
I wish I’d sprung for a blowout the day of my head shot. My frizzy hair is all I see now that I look at the picture. It seems like too much money to me too, really, but for one day for a good picture, it would’ve been worth it.
Housecounsel
I love cobalt and think most people look amazing in it, but I’d check your firm’s and maybe competitive firm’s sites to see if this is more color than typical. I would absolutely get my hair blown out and I’ve even had professional makeup done for head shots in the past.
Never too many shoes...
I did pro hair and makeup for my most recent firm photo and it was completely worth it.
Senior Attorney
Yes to all of it.
What's for lunch?
What are your favorite filling, healthy lunches? Gained a few pounds this winter, so want to be more attentive to bringing healthy lunch options.
Housecounsel
I like grain bowls with some protein. Farro, salmon, white beans, and arugula are some of my favorite ingredients. Don’t skimp on protein and fiber! I also like to pick up a poke bowl with brown rice.
Anon
How do you handle the salmon – do you cook it the night before? I like adding smoked salmon to salads, but sometimes the smell is too fishy for work. I’d love to find a way to make salmon work in the office.
Anonymous
I’m not who you were asking but I like salmon for lunch too and I always just do cold leftovers of something I’ve cooked earlier. This week – husband grilled salmon on the BBQ with tons of lemon and dill. Eaten cold on a salad, there’s very little smell.
Another idea for healthy lunches, I love the blog Budget Bytes and she posts lots of meal prep recipes. Most of them are what I’d consider “healthy” and everything I’ve made of hers has been excellent.
anon
Just don’t microwave it… unless you want to be *that guy*.
Housecounsel
Yes, salmon made the night before, cold, on a salad. If it isn’t a felony to heat salmon at the office, it should be.
Vicky Austin
Oooh, that sounds divine. Love me some arugula.
NOLA
I keep frozen meals in the fridge at work. My favorites are Eating Well, which have more vegetables and feel more like real food to me. The chicken with asparagus and carrots and potatoes in a mustard sauce is the one I eat the most. I also like Amy’s Organic and the Green Giant Harvest Protein bowls, which are vegetarian. I always have something filling to have for a snack in the late morning because I eat breakfast early. Lately, that’s been Greek yogurt or a banana. Otherwise, lunch isn’t enough because I’m too hungry.
Anon
Any recommendations of interesting shirts that I can wear on their own on casual days in my business casual office? Looking for something more interesting than a basic nice tee.
Criteria – has at least some sort of sleeve, machine washable, do not need to iron, $100 max (unless its seriously amazing)
Housecounsel
I go to Anthropologie for pretty summer blouses but the machine washable/no iron rule is a challenge.
Anon
Try Madewell or Aritzia. You might have to sift a little bit more on Artizia, but a lot of their silky-feel shirts are mashine-washable. Madewell is great for a variety of button downs and casual shirts that can work in a business casual environment. (I’m in biglaw and get most of my work shirts from both of these stores). Everlane also has some nice tops that would work for both work and play.
Gail the Goldfish
I have several of Boden’s Ravello and Carey tops that I use for this purpose. You can usually get away without ironing them if they are patterned. For the solid colors, I just steam them in the morning with a mini handheld steamer, which I find much quicker/easier than ironing.
Anonymous
+1 to all of this.
Anonymous
I love Pleione blouses. They’re always on sale at Nordstrom Rack (including their online site), inexpensive, no need to iron, wear well.
Anonymous
Daniel Rainn tops wear like iron.
Friendships in your 20s
Im on the younger side on this forum and 4 years out of undergrad. In the past year theres been a major shift in the friendships in my life – we dont talk or check in as often and many of them arent as responsive to meeting up, etc. I feel like I’m always making an effort and while sometimes its understandable (a few friends are going through some mental health and/or family issues) others just seem like they are waiting until they have a better social gathering before responding to mine. I try not to take this stuff personally but I’m starting to get bitter and have paused on reaching out.
Since realizing this, I’ve been trying to expand my circle by going to events and joining clubs (aka pretend I’m in a new city/school and start fresh) but I feel like I have a bit of a wall up and am afraid I’ll never find as good of friends like the original ones I’ve known for a 5-10 + years or that I wont be accepted. I guess I’m kind of rambling at this point but how do I move past this, still cherish the memories of old friends, and begin to make new ones?
Abby
I could’ve written your first paragraph, except I’m 5 years out of undergrad. I’m also married, which I get the feeling you’re not, but I still want to spend time with my friends and frequently feel like I’m the only one trying. I recently made 2 new-ish friends, and I’d encourage you to not compare to your old friends. It takes time, and friendships are all different. I also think as women get older, the idea of a big group of friends isn’t as common as tv or movies would have you believe. I have individual strong friendships, but not a big group text that goes off all the time, like I did in college. I think it’s hard but you’re doing the right thing!
AnonInfinity
I’m 36, and some of my closest friends are people I’ve met in the past few years. Making new friends doesn’t mean that the old friendships can’t exist or that they weren’t wonderful. People come in and out of our lives and enrich them in different ways, and just because a certain relationship doesn’t last forever doesn’t make it less valid. That doesn’t mean it’s painless for a formerly tight friendship to fade. But I just wanted to offer hope that newer friendships can be just as (even more?) enriching, and you will find your tribe, even if that tribe constantly evolves over time.
I also think that some of my older friendships are more difficult to maintain because we see each other through the lens of our college days. Similar to how my cousins and I fall into certain roles at holidays– my college friends and I have weird expectations about how the others are going to act or respond that don’t necessarily line up with who we are now. I think that’s why the friendships I developed after feel closer in certain ways.
Anon
For me at least, friendship takes time and nurturing to develop. The good friends I made outside of high school and college are the ones that I see with higher frequency, and over a longer period of time, eg coworkers, mutual friends of friends, mutual readers/fans of books and shows. So one-off events aren’t where I find friends, whereas a consistent activity that I do weekly where I interact with the same people are better.
Rainbow Hair
Same. My current besties are people I met by playing trivia with them weekly. After playing together for a while, we graduated to meeting up for XYZ event, jokey texting, not-jokey texting, etc. etc. And now we’re besties. <3
Anon
I was fired today. I wasn’t totally unexpected (I was being pushed out by a higher up bully) but I am still feeling like I was punched in the gut. Paging Shots Shots Shots?
Anon
Hug.
Minnie Beebe
I’m so sorry. Be kind to yourself. Also, as PP mentioned, shots.
Mrs. Jones
I’m sorry! Second the motion for shots. And good riddance to the bully.
Azera
Sounds like you are better off without that job! Big hugs, have a few days to wallow but keep in mind things will get better! Don’t give up!
Anonymous
I’m so sorry! I was fired about a year and a half ago seemingly out of the blue. Seconding Mrs. Jones, good riddance to the bully!
Anonymous
Hang in there!
Owl lover
I was “laid off” a few months ago and these last two months have been amazing. I’ve been collecting unemployment. Visiting out of state family, and applying to jobs I actually want. Getting into hobbies that I’ve always wanted to try.
Just recognize that it’s gonna take a month or two to get over the bullying trauma you’ve experienced at your last job. You will get through it and find a better place.
Senior Attorney
All the hugs to you!
Minnie Beebe
Can anyone recommend a self-tanning lotion for a Very Pale Person?
I’ve tried to use the Jergens lotion in the past, but it’s too orange/dark for me, even the lightest shade. I’m looking for a very subtle look, just to take a little of the ghostly-white edge off. I’d prefer something of the everyday lotion variety, instead of a true self-tanner, but hit me with your recommendations.
Don’t care so much about the cost— if it works well, I’ll consider it. TIA!
NOLA
The Jergens lotion has been reformulated. I’ve used it on and off this year for the same purpose. I don’t use it every day and I don’t think it looks dark or orange on me. I’m the whitest white girl, so very pale.
Anonymous
I used the lightest Jergens this spring for the same reason- just to reduce the paleness a bit- and it worked well. I did just a couple of applications though, as I am also ghostly pale
Anon
Do you find a single application of the Jergens in light/medium too dark? That is what I do. About once or maybe twice per week I apply it after a shower. I would be very orange if I applied it daily as recommended.
Equestrian attorney
+1. I do Jergens (the fair one) once a week and I get a decent glow without the orange factor.
Calico
I really like L’Oreal Sublime Glow for this. It doesn’t smell as bad as the Jergens (though not great) and is much more subtle.
Edna Mazur
I just started using Tan-Luxe The Body illuminating Self-Tan Drops in light/medium. I’m pale enough that even the “light” lotions and whatnot wouldn’t come out looking natural. These drops are meant to me mixed with your normal lotion. I was looking for what you were, not looking tan per se, just taking the edge off the ghostly-ness and have been really pleased.
It is pricey, but I think the bottle will last a long, long time.
eertmeert
I am a frequent self tanner, since I am so pale, ha.
I just found Bondi Sands 1 Hr Express Foam. It’s awesome. Golden brown color, not orange at all. and minimal DHA smell. Seriously, it mostly smells of coconuts. My husband said it smelled like the beach. I like it because you can apply at like, 6pm Sunday night, hang out for a few hours around the house, shower and go to bed. You don’t get the color guide all over your sheets.
It spreads like a dream using a mitt (and latex gloves, I buy a box of those every spring), no streaks. Dries super fast.
Even leaving it on for over 3 hours, the color gets to be a believable medium. I was asked at work if I’d spent the weekend outside.
I’ve tried maybe a dozen self tanners, including L’Oreal, St. Tropez (my other fav, good color but stays sticky and smells more), Skinerals (another fav, organiz, smells like maple syrup, but stays sticky and smells). I am a Bondi Sands girl now.
Anon
Is there a positive review from a Frownies user that has not been written by someone affiliated with their company? It looks like they’ve updated their website and product, and a number of new reviews have been added on Amazon. I still don’t get how this wouldn’t cause long term damage to your skin.
editor
I used to use these (now get Botox). I can’t see that it would do any harm at all–it’s basically a piece of tape. Like, the kind of paper packaging tape that runs through a dish of water to activate the glue.
AnonZ
I have used them in the past and can verify that I do think they work, to some extent, when I use them consistently. I have to use them for about a week before I notice my frown lines have diminished. I am in my early 30s but notice my “elevens” deepen when I’m frowning a lot/under stress. I like them because they are very simple and non-invasive – they work surprisingly well for literally just sticking a piece of paper on your face. I have pretty sensitive skin and it is not irritated by them.
Overall, I would say for frown lines they are more effective than creams or lotions but obviously less effective than something like Botox. I don’t use them consistently mostly because I don’t like sticking a piece of paper to my forehead every night – it just feels silly. But I use them for a few weeks when I feel like the elevens are worse than usual, and it does seem to help relax or retrain my frown muscles.
Anon
Question. I’m working on a matter that has forced me to read some anti-vaxxer websites. Don’t worry, I’m not jumping on that team. Here’s my question. It seems a lot of parents are trying to compromise where they will do all of the shots but they won’t do multiple in one day. They want to do some one day, come back a week later for others, etc. It seems doctors are firing their patients for doing this. So what happens is the parents then just decide fine, no vaccines, which seems worse. Is the issue with spacing that the doctors don’t have time to see each kid 6 times for 6 shots or that insurance won’t pay for it to be done that way?
To be clear, I agree that vaccinating on schedule is best. I’m just trying to figure out why doctors aren’t working with parents that are trying to get it done just done a little differently when the alternate result is they don’t do it at all.
Anon
People who issue ultimatums usually assume that no one will choose the less-desirable alternative. “Do this on my schedule, even if you don’t want to give your kid 10 vaccines in one day, or find another doctor” is a heavy-handed way of trying to force compliance.
Anonymous
I don’t think the doctors firing patients thing is that common. My understanding is that it is generally done as a last resort to avoid risking infection for other patients in the waiting room.
Alternative schedules are not ideal but as long as the parents commit to them and they are reasonable (like coming in a week or two later, not a vague promise to do it next year so they can get out of the office), I think doctors should work with parents.
Anon
I agree. I think this is a fairy tale anti vaxxers push that has happened maybe once or twice in reality.
My kids’ pediatrician is as western medicine as you can get, and her practice will work with parents on the schedule. But they will not take patients whose parents choose not to vaccinate at all. She took the latter stance after dealing with a pertussis (whooping cough) outbreak at a local private school, where a large number of the kids ended up hospitalized.
Anon
I think doctors are dismissing their patients more and more the past several years. They just have no patience for patients who question anything.
Anon
Do not contribute to this. You just made a sweeping generalization of all pediatricians that is in no way true. Pediatricians exist to answer questions from parents.
Worry about yourself
I don’t think it’s that extreme – of course you’re allowed to question things!
I think, for a lot of the doctors who do this, experience plays a big role. If they saw that most parents who choose an alternative schedule were otherwise normal, medicine-using, vaccine-accepting parents throughout their kids’ lives, they’d be fine with it. I think the reality is that most pediatricians see most of the “oh we’re fine with vaccines, we’d just prefer the alternative schedule” parents eventually morph into the type of parents who think medicine is poison and Big Pharma is running some sort of wacky conspiracy, rudely question everything doctors tell them, call an hour of Googling “doing their homework,” and try to treat most of their kids’ illnesses with essential oils and chiropractors.
Anon
My pediatrician loves that I question things. I have a life sciences (not medicine though) background and she’s told me that she loves that we can discuss things at a higher level, she can use jargon she couldn’t use with other patients, etc. She’s a wonderful doctor and I know not all docs are that good, but just one data point.
Anonymous
I’d be skeptical that this is a thing if you’re reading it on anti-vaxxer websites. They contain so much blatantly false information that I would not trust any ‘ancedotes’ that paint doctors as mean and uncompromising.
anon
I know the public health nurses in a county with one of the worst personal objection rates in the country, and they consider getting the full series to children of antivaxxers a win.
anon
Our doc (family, not ped) actually is fine with this. I think the max we’ve done is 3 shots at a time (just once), but at my first newborn appointment she offered a modified schedule as an option, but warned it would mean lots of visits to the office. I don’t see how billing would be an issue, the RN gives the shots and we don’t need an appointment for that ( ie the 2nd flu shot for infants is given a month later, we didn’t have to schedule, we could just come in whenever). Offices charge an administration fee for each shot I think. We’ve prioritized the flu shot and moved another one to the next reg appointment the last two years (I’m not sure which, but our doc said DD was still getting everything she needed within the guidelines/timing), we didn’t do hep B at birth, and I think we also moved up the MMR shot and pushed another one bc we were travelling to France. After 18 month appt she was all caught up wihout needing any extra visits. If docs are firing patients for this, it’s probably for the best for both parties.
anon
I’ve lived in DC & Los Angeles and at least in these areas, most drs don’t seem to have an issue with alternative schedules. They will usually advise against it, but then have you come in anyway.
It’s not antivaxxers that are doing this… it’s a lot of regular moms. I personally follow the regular schedule because I’m not particularly worried about vaccine injuries in our family & who has the time to go back multiple times?
Anonymous
Interesting. I’ve been to 2 ped practices in DC and both have the official policy that “if you want to be a patient here you have to get the vaccines on this schedule.” I never questioned the official policy because I’m fine with it, but it did leave me with the impression that alternative schedules would not be accommodated.
Anon
Thanks all. I’m now convinced this might be a bit of a manufactured crisis / excuse. I won’t go into it much further for obvious reasons but I appreciate the reminder that I can’t trust anything these people say.
It has come up in two different ways for me professionally. One in working on a domestic case and the other working on policy for health clinic.
Anon
I’ve never heard of a doctor firing a patient for wanting to vaccinate on a slightly different schedule, especially when the “delay” is weeks, not months or years. I am loudly and proudly extremely pro-vaccine (including HPV for both boys and girls) and (with our doctor’s support but not at her insistence) we delayed our daughter’s 12 months shots because she was running a low-grade fever the day we happened to be in the office. We went back to have them done the following week. I would be horrified if someone called me anti-vax or alternative-vax because of that. Doctor’s appointments are rarely on a child’s exact birthday anyway, so a delay of a week or two is pretty meaningless. An appointment could easily be delayed for two weeks because of a family vacation or a sports obligation. “12 months vaccines” do not have to be done the exact day the child turns 12 months to be considered on schedule.
Is it Friday yet?
That’s absolutely not what’s meant by a modified schedule – what you are describing is super standard, life happens (much like not vaccinating an immunocompromised child or one that’s previously had a severe reaction to a vaccine doesn’t make you an anti-vaxxer either). The issue here is parents wanting to give only one shot at a time (esp the ones that want to split the MMR into separate vaccines for each disease, ugh). This means that the child doesn’t get their shots anywhere close to the recommended schedule (which is recommended for a REASON), and doesn’t have age-appropriate immunity.
Anon
I agree that the intent is different and I would personally side-eye someone who believes vaccines need to be spread out, but if they’re giving the shots a week or two apart (which is what the OP asked about) the practical effect is really no different than someone in my situation who delayed a week because of illness or family vacation, and their children will have age-appropriate immunity.
Is it Friday yet?
For a lot of vaccines, if not administered the same day, you have to wait at least 4 weeks, so that’s not functionally how it happens. Also, a lot of people are super flaky about actually keeping their appointments (some intentionally because they don’t really want to vax and they’re trying to stall), compounding the issue.
Anon
That’s not true at all about 4 weeks. You’re thinking of a booster shot – like if you get two doses of the flu shot, they need to be 28 days apart. But if you don’t want your kids getting Hep B and the flu shot the same day, they can be done 1 day, 1 week, 1 month apart. There’s no medical reason for a 4 week minimum.
Seventh Sister
At least in LA, I think most pediatricians are not hurting for patients and their schedules are packed. I can imagine a doctor firing alternavaxxers, especially if the doctors take insurance, because the reimbursements are so low anyhow and there are always new patients coming in. Of course you have plenty of patients who believe in woo-woo nonsense, but there are also lots of pediatricians who don’t take insurance and will do all the gold-plated hand-holding that some people want on this issue.
Seventh Sister
My pediatrician is ok with slightly modified schedules, but does not allow vaccine refusers as patients. She does have a lot of very very Orthodox Jewish patients (she is Conservative herself) and is pretty hard-core on the MMR stuff so hopefully she’s helping to stem the tide of our local measles outbreak.
Anon
You guys. I was at the county health department this morning with my toddler for a lead test. And I saw a 17 year old girl and her mom, who were on Medicaid and there for free immunizations. The nurse listed all the shots they could get for free and the mom said “We’ll get all of them except HPV – that goes against our values.” I just about burst into tears. The fact that this girl may someday die of an entirely preventable cancer because her mom thinks this life-saving vaccine is “against their values” just broke my heart. I know I’m preaching to the choir here and I know that this is better than not getting the measles shot – at least she’s not hurting other people’s kids. But ugh. What a way to start the day.
anon
*shakes head* That is so sad. Even if her daughter has only one s3xual partner her entire life, whose to say that partner won’t have previously contracted something?
Anon
Don’t despair. Perhaps she will get one when she is ready and it will be fine.
Anon
I totally get your concern, but the girl has time after she turns 18 to still get the shot.
Anon
That’s my niece, or was. Now she’s 22 and has cervical dysplasia. I could kill my sister.
Anon
I’m the OP writing right above you re: anti-vax websites. So funny that we posted back to back. Sad that this is even an issue.
Worry about yourself
I am still so, SO glad my mom took me to get those shots when I was 17. They were new, and she did express concern that we didn’t know the long-term effects yet, but it seemed worth the risk to protect me from getting cancer. Go mom, you’re awesome. This mom is not awesome, what kind of “values” is this? Putting your daughter’s purity over her health? Get outta here!
Anonymous
I was really young when the HPV vac came out. I forgot what age but definitely young enough that I was obviously not sexually active. I was the only one of my friends that got the vaccine. I wonder if they have it now. I hope so.
Anonymous
Ugh that is so frustrating. The rates of cervical cancer in countries that were the earliest adopters of free HPV vaccine programs (Australia and Scotland and maybe some others?) have dropped so dramatically. (Not to mention the head and neck cancer risk from HPV). Vaccinate your kids. I was just under the original age limit when HPV vaccines came out (25, I think?) and immediately went at got vaccinated.
emeralds
PSA: make your sons get them too!
Anon
Yes! My friend’s husband just battled back of tongue cancer and another friend has throat cancer, both HPV related.
Anon
And so they don’t spread it to their female partners.
anon for this
My mom – a NURSE! – had a similar values opposition to the HPV vaccine. Her stance was that it was a great public health measure and patients should be told about it and those for whom it was relevant should be encouraged to get it. She could not fathom that it might be relevant for her daughter. I ended up getting it when I was in college against her wishes and made it a point to tell her that I was getting it, that she couldn’t do anything about it, and that her stance was wrong. But then again, she also was against me going on the pill for acne and cycle regulation reasons, so…
ugh
That was my own personal thought process in not getting the HPV vaccine when I was in my early 20s(virgin)! (late 30s now) I truly did not understand the importance of the HPV vaccine until I read some comments on here in the last month. Until even then I thought I was in the clear because I’ve only had 2 partners and am married.
Anon
Yeah I think so many people are in a similar boat and don’t realize how widespread HPV is and that there’s no blood test for it. I was 20 when it was introduced and the age limit was 26. My mom asked me about it, and I truthfully told her that I wasn’t sexually active and would use protection when that changed, so I didn’t think I needed it. I became sexually active less than 6 months later, with a guy who had had multiple partners previously and we eventually stopped using condoms. I did make him take an STD test first, but I didn’t realize that a blood test doesn’t exist for HPV. Thankfully, I’ve never had a abnormal pap, but I wish my mom had just said “No, you don’t have a choice, you’re getting it.” I will have my daughter get when she’s 11 even though sex will hopefully still be a long way off.
editrix
What “value” aligns with not immunizing a child against a preventable disease and supporting herd immunity? Serious question.
Nameless for Today
A vent and request for advice and/or scolding . . . I work from home. Full-time plus. I do not have a pretend job. It is real, with a real employer and people who need me to be available. Yes, my job is more flexible than most, and for that I am grateful. But I’m working. Work. Now that school is out, the mother of my son’s friend (junior-high age) is relying on me for rides, etc. more and more. Our kids are going to the same practice/event, but the friend’s house is really out of the way for me and adds a chunk of time to my “break.” Today, the friend asked if we could pick him up extra-early and take him to the store to buy something he needs for today’s activity. I am extra irritated that the kid is now the one doing the asking, not the mom. It’s as if she just assumes and tells young Babe Ruth to ask me for whatever he needs.
I’ve been the mom with the long commute and the inflexible job and it stinks. But I paid a nanny or a teenager; I didn’t assume that other moms, working or not, could help out. I knew they would in an emergency, and so would I, of course, but this is getting too frequent and I am getting resentful. Advice? Would you just deal or would you speak up, knowing Babe Ruth may not have another way to practice?
Anon
I would just say no. “I’m so sorry, I’m happy to drive Junior to practice if you can get him to our house, but I can’t take time away from work to drive to your house and get him.” This other mom is being ridiculous and abusing your kindness. Even if you were a SAHM (which I understand you are very much not), she’s taking advantage of you.
Cat
+1. Until you tell her that adds too much time, how is she to know? I don’t blame her for asking if you’ve made it sound like it’s NBD. But you’re totally within your rights to say “hey we tried this but it’s not working due to my schedule.”
Anon
Use your words. Say no.
Anonymous
This. “sorry I can’t make that work but I only get a 20 minute break which is just enough time to do ABC.”
Anonymous
Please do not assume the mom is terrible or awful. She has no way of knowing that this is an issue for you unless you tell her. And don’t assume she told her kid to make you the default. The kid may just have thought, “Nameless for Today is the one who gives me rides; I’ll just ask if we can do this other thing on the way.” Kid has no way of knowing, either, about your work life and I guarantee isn’t thinking about your schedule.
So you say, “happy to do x, can’t do y.”
Worry about yourself
Right, this may be a case of “ask versus guess” culture, where it may seem like the mom is asking because she already expects a “yes” unless OP can give a very good and convincing reason, but the reality may be that she knows she might get a “no” and she’s okay with that, but figured it doesn’t hurt to ask.
Seventh Sister
I was brought up in a SUPER “guess versus ask” culture (just ask my therapist!) and I find the opposite so hard to handle. I really, really try, but it’s very hard because I assume that if someone is asking, they *aren’t* ok with less than the initial ask.
I’d tell her no and set clear boundaries. In the end, it’s her fault if her kid doesn’t have something he needs for practice. And after a year of some very pushy Girl Scout parents, I’ve noticed that when I throw up boundaries, they move on to the next sucker when they want something.
Anon
Happy to take Babe to the game but I will need him to arrive at my house before x time.
anon
I was your son’s friend. I don’t recall asking the other mom to make a special stop for me, but I do remember her getting really upset at me all of the sudden one time. It was probably pent up anger and feeling resentment towards my parents for “taking advantage of her”. So don’t hold all of this in and suddenly get angry with the child. Speak to the mom and tell her what you can and can’t do.
Anonymous
Omg grow up. She asked. You dont want to? Say no. Literally how else will she know this is an issue,
Worry about yourself
You’re not wrong, but you’re being a jerk.
Seventh Sister
The problem I have is that my kids are super likely to be on the same team, in the same class, at the same school with the other kid and I have to deal with a grudge-holding parent for the next 8-10 years.
Anon
There’s no reason to assume there will be a grudge if you politely decline.
Worry about yourself
As I’ve gotten older I’m realizing that I can afford to lose unreasonable people who can’t deal with boundaries, because having them in my life tends to be a constant source of stress. If/when they cut me off, it saves me the trouble of having to do it.
Seventh Sister
Hahahahaha, come to a Girl Scout leader meaning and see if you agree. People can hold grudges over paper plates.
Seventh Sister
Sorry, meant “meeting.” Unfortunately, I’ve known people to hold grudges over the stupidest things when it comes to their kids.
Anonymous
Please help me with gift ideas for my husband! He’s in his mid thirties and hates spending money on himself for things like clothes. Works in tech but doesn’t like to have the newest gadget because he thinks it will become outdated soon enough and would rather buy secondhand. Not particularly into sports and none of his favorite bands are touring. Likes craft beer but is trying to cut back on drinking. Loves his new car and already bought a bunch of accessories for it. Any suggestions?
Anonymous
Your husband sounds a bit like mine. Successful gifts I got my husband that might work for yours: a vintage-style Subaru t-shirt, gig posters from every band we saw together our first year of dating (these tend to be available for purchase on the gig artist’s website so it could take a little searching), different color dupes of his favorite Sperrys, maybe a Lego set corresponding to something he really enjoys (e.g., the new Stranger Things set, an architecture set, or one of the cars).
Cat
Fancy driving lessons to go with the new car? Splurge dinner? Live album/video of one of the bands? Anything you can recall him mentioning as wanting but “oh I really shouldn’t”? Upgrade something around the house that he uses? (like, one year I “gave” my husband a shower redo because he’s tall and the nozzle was a bit low for him, but it’s not cheap to fix….)
Anonymous
Get him some Lululemon
anon
Gift certificate for Steam? That’s what my similar BIL always askes for.
anon
What car accessories did you get him?
My husband is similar but he has loved the apple watch he eventually bought (& you can get special bands for other holidays).
There’s also a charger someone here recc’d that charges a backup battery for travel. I got it for my dad (also similarly hard to shop for) and he loves it.
I’ve also gotten tasteful band posters (usually vintage/artsy looking ones).
Worry about yourself
Couple of suggestions:
– Nice button-down shirts for work, if you know his size and general style.
– If you two like to hit the beach or pool this summer, maybe something for that, like a new chair, towel, and/or cooler?
– Find a lesser-known band in the area that’s similar to the ones you like, and get tickets to see them one night, with maybe dinner before. It can be fun to check out a band that’s new to you!
Anonymous
Beef jerky subscription
anon
2 things DH is into lately- A sport coat, (he’s never had one before), and a fancy-ish men’s skincare set. the latter he bought for himself, but a few of his buddies have bought it too now.
Senior Attorney
I got my 30ish son a Man Crate for Christmas and it was a huge success. They have all kinds — car stuff, food stuff, booze, whatever.
Anonymous
Bar B Q? I bought my husband a small Weber once that he has enjoyed. Also, binoculars — for outdoors, not the opera. He also likes shoes and clothes for sports activities, like hiking or biking.
Non-surgical nosejob
I saw a post the other day asking for experience re: non-surgical nosejob (injection) but it was too late in the day to reply. Hoping the OP will see this! I had it done a few months ago. I don’t regret it but I don’t think I will do it again. I too have a large bump on my nose and I really like how the filler straightens it, no one has noticed the difference but I feel more attractive. That being said, I’ve done a lot of research on it and it is pretty much the highest risk injection you can get, the risks are extremely severe (instant permanent blindness!). Besides that, it’s not something you can keep getting over and over again, nor is it something you would want to. That is because A.) the skin stretches over time, the filler may not metabolize evenly, the skin can become discolored if done repeatedly and B.) $$$ it’s like $700-1K, eventually a nose job will be cheaper. I would say get it done if you’re fine with doing it once (I was, and still am), but unfortunately surgery is really the only option for a permanent change (I’m still on the fence about surgery, leaning towards no)
Anon - HPV question
A follow-up to the comment about the HPV vaccine above. I’m 38. I married very young to a man who had never slept with anyone else. I’ve never had HPV and never got the vaccine since I was in a monogamous marriage. I’m now divorced (haven’t started dating yet). Would you get the vaccine? It’s now approved for adults up to 45.
Anon
I would for sure. HPV is widespread.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Yes, absolutely get it!!!! 85% of sexually active adults have HPV and the vaccine protects against many of the strains that cause cancer. Fwiw, I’m happily married but plan to get it when I turn 44 just in case I get divorced or widowed and want to date again and the vaccine is never approved for adults older than 45.
Anon
I’m confused. Why would you wait until you are 44 instead of just getting it now?
Anon
It’s not so much that I’m officially waiting but more that my deadline is 44. I keep meaning to get it and forgetting about it and because I’m only 32 and married there’s not a great rush. But I have a hard deadline in my mind of 44 (or being single, obviously, but hopefully 44 will happen first).
Anon
Yes! I didn’t get mine before 26 (the original cutoff age), mostly for lazy, not getting my sh!t together reasons. I noticed they upped the age to 45, so i’m getting it now. When i mentioned to my doctor that i almost didn’t get it because I thought I missed the window, she said she regularly recommends single women in their 50’s get it as well. It may not be quite as effective at older ages, but its better than not getting it!
OP
Thanks for the kick in the pants! Just booked an appointment.
Anonymous
Wow, thanks for sharing! I was over 26 when it first came out. I had no idea the age was upped!
anon
+1!
Elle
Late to the game, but this came up recently and I’m all the more gungho on retirement savings. My father died suddenly at 66 years old in December, mother is now a widower at almost 65 and working. She’d like to retire at 66 if possible. They didn’t start saving for retirement until their mid-30’s (I’m 30). It’s terrifying seeing the cost of living for my mother and doing the math to see what she has left and how long that will last her. That’s assuming no major health issues or expensive care (nursing home, assisted living, etc.). As the only financial responsible and independent of my siblings, I will most likely end up having to support her in some shape or form as my other siblings are unable to financially.
My company matches up to 4%. When I graduated in 2012 the Fidelity advisor at my first job recommended setting my contribution to match the last digit of the year which was 2% at that point in time. That first job did not match. My account is set to increase 1% every year, so right now I contribute 9% with 4% being matched. My company also throws in a lump sum annually based on level and years of service which helps big time. I also save 20% of all of my paycheck and am paying down my undergraduate student loans with a relatively high monthly payment. My husband does not contribute as much to his, but he does fully utilize his company’s match. Anything above that goes into investment savings.