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Updated: Nov 1, 2021 121 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Alarmy App

Coffee Break· Tool of the Trade | · · ·

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In the Before Times, I rarely fell back asleep after turning off my morning phone alarm(s), but things went downhill in March 2020 when our son's school switched to remote learning. Suddenly, neither of us had to leave the house in the morning. Usually, I'd be half asleep when I turned off or snoozed my alarm — and a sunrise clock (this Philips one, which I bought and liked) didn't help at all.

{related: how to wake up more easily when it's dark out}

Eventually, I found the app Alarmy (iOS/Android), and it helps so much! Now when my alarm goes off, the app makes me solve five math problems — otherwise, it'll make the alarm sound again. The math difficulty levels range from “very easy” (3 + 4) to “hell mode” [(162 x 87) + 1,878]. Other “missions” the app features are “shake” (shake your phone to certain requirements), “photo” (get out of bed to take a particular photo), “QR/barcode” (get out of bed to scan a particular code), and “memory” (play a memory game — like the board game).

Here are two examples that will “encourage” you to get out of bed: Require yourself to scan a QR code you've put inside your medicine cabinet or to scan the barcode on a bag of coffee in a kitchen cabinet.

I have the free version of Alarmy (for now, at least), but if you buy Premium, you pay $5/month or $59.99/year. It removes ads, has extra “missions,” and gives you the option to wake up to a custom/recorded sound (like, I don't know, this?), among other cool features. The premium missions are “squat” (do a certain number), “steps” (do a certain number), and “typing” (a phrase/sentence you choose).

Note: When your phone dies because of low battery, Alarmy will close and not reopen automatically when your phone restarts. A notification will let you know, but it's good to be aware of.

Psst: Kat's still using her Shortcut tip to make her iPhone alarm to play a playlist of energetic songs when she wakes up.

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About Kate Antoniades

Editor of Corporette since 2014, Kate Antoniades lives in her hometown of Rochester, NY. A cat person and Oxford comma loyalist, she loves thrift shopping and has too many craft supplies.

Comments

  1. Lena

    Looking for somewhere to spend Christmas this year. Driving distance from NYC. Just me and my boyfriend. Very open to anything, I just don’t want to fly. I know it’s late to be planning. Any ideas? We are totally open to anything right now.

    • Anonymous

      I did Loudon county VA a few years ago and enjoyed it. You might want to look ahead to see what wineries will be open.

    • Anon

      Bethlehem, PA is beautiful and leans into being the Christmas city with a big market.

    • roxie

      New Hope, PA or Lambertville, NJ (they are connected by a walkable bridge) or Cape May, NJ.
      I always pitch these roughly same ideas when NYC people want to get away for a long weekend. Super close (2 hours or so drive) and charming small town, xmas-festive feel to just relax, wander, drink and eat well. Especially when you mix in an historic B+B or hotel, which both have. Really charming.

  4. pugsnbourbon

    We just got back from our vacation to Santa Fe. A ‘rette recommended the city so I thought I’d add some parts of the trip we really loved.
    – Tsankawi Prehistoric Site – a medium-challenging hike within the Bandelier National Monument. The petroglyphs and cave dwellings were breathtaking.
    – High Road to Taos + Enchanted Circle drive – being from Indiana, I can hardly describe how beautiful this was.
    – The Museum of International Folk Art – check out the basement exhibit first; it provides a lot of context.
    – IAIA Museum of Contemporary Native Arts – one of the most powerful experiences of the trip.
    The best restaurants were Casa Chimayo, Boultawn Bagels and Paloma. Controversial but I thought Meow Wolf was just okay. Overall it was a phenomenal trip and I’m so glad we went!

    • Anon

      Oh I’m one of the people who recommended it. I am dying to go back and do the high road. We got stormed out so took the low road both ways.

      I was also not a fan of Meow Wolf. I hope you had all the queso and Christmas sauce!

    • Anonymous

      Didn’t recommend anything for this trip, but I always love it when somebody checks back in after trying something! Yay!

  5. Anon

    I love Alarmy. I am a champion sleeper so I use my regular iphone alarm with Alarmy as a failsafe. I’m dumb with numbers so I just do the easy math questions to turn it off. I like that it’s impossible to accidentally turn it off and back to sleep, which happens often with my regular alarm.

  6. Sloan Sabbith

    I use this app every day and it’s helpful (except when I delete the app and fall back asleep…which happens probably once a week tbh). Getting up is not my strong suit.

  7. Anonymous

    New Years trip recommendations? DH and I are dying to go somewhere for about a week. No kids, mid-30s. Must be domestic, flying from the east coast. We’d love to go scuba diving; I looked at the Keys but I’m not looking to spend $1k+/night on a hotel. I won’t dive super deep so I think the Carolinas might be out (and prob cold)? If we can’t go diving then I’d prefer to avoid the beach and spend the week “tasting” various alcohol instead. Maybe Kentucky bourbon trail?

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I know nothing about scuba diving or water temp vs air temp, but the Carolinas would definitely be cold over New Years–the high air temp will be 50s or lower that time of year. I feel like you’ve got to go to South Florida or below for anything remotely warm that time of year (Puerto Rico? USVI?).

    • Anon

      Hawaii or US Virgin Islands – both have great diving and are perfect that time of year. I like Kentucky (we live in a neighboring state and go pretty regularly) but it can be quite chilly around Christmastime. If all you care about it bourbon and you’re happy to dine and drink indoors I guess it could work but I would choose spring or fall when there is more to see and do outdoors.

      • NYCer

        I love, love, love Hawaii, but hotels will be expensive (aka approaching $1K+ per night) over New Years there as well.

    • Anon

      Go to the Big Island of Hawaii and dive or snorkel with manta rays. I’m not a diver but I’ve snorkeled all over the world and seen turtles, sting rays, reef sharks and whale sharks in the wild and I think that was my favorite underwater experience ever.

    • Anonnymouse

      Just listened to a podcast about this and the attorney they spoke with said that they see a civil case being brought against him by the family of the deceased, but not a criminal one for her death. Where they do potentially see criminal charges due to him being a producer on the film (vs just an actor) – but it remains to be seen exactly how that will play out.

    • Anonymous

      I very seriously doubt he is going to jail, even if he is ultimately charged with a negligence-based crime.

    • Anon LA

      Not for the shooting. He followed industry standard and all of his training regarding how to handle weapons. He was told this was a cold gun; he acted like it was a cold gun. He would have been told a thousand times over the course of his career not to mess with it once it was handed to him. (As an aside, I love how many people who have never been on a set who think they are safety specialists. There are rules and they exist for a reason; they also assume that other people on set will do their jobs which apparently did not happen here.)

      Whether he faces liability for his role as a producer will depend on how that role played out. Usually actor/producers just get that credit so that they can structure their compensation. They generally stay away from any actual on-set producer work because it muddies things for the director and the production manager. There can be 4-5 executive producers for a single show (sometimes even more) and they have no responsibility or control over what happens on set once production actually starts.

      The family has a pretty strong claim based on the reporting against the armorer and maybe the AD. But they don’t have much of a claim against Baldwin himself since it would be for negligence and worker’s compensation insurance will bar a lot of that.

      Caveat – I have no personal knowledge of this specific incident (or I would not be commenting) but quite a lot regarding the industry.

    • Anon

      He wasn’t responsible for the live round being in the weapon. In a situation where I dunno, I just found a gun, I would check it and make sure it wasn’t loaded before I put my finger on the trigger. In a situation where multiple professionals are working to ensure the safety of the set (and specifically, the guns on the set) and someone hands me a weapon and says it’s safe, I’m going to trust in the professionals around me. I wouldn’t have checked the gun.

      I have a friend in the movie business and she said that apparently crew members (she didn’t know who) had been doing play-around target practice with the gun before filming that day. If that’s the case, there are at least five other people who are more responsible for the shooting than Baldwin. I am not a fan of the guy but don’t understand the rush to excoriate him, unless it’s from Trump fans who are still raw about how hilariously Baldwin played Trump on SNL. Which seems like an extremely petty and juvenile reason to be calling for someone to go to jail.

  9. Anonymous

    More college anxiety – my son is 11 and is bright/gifted but not genius or virtuoso anything, and not showing a strong interest in any clubs or sports at his public school at this point. We’re white, wealthy and from a relatively big Midwestern city (but not Chicago). What can I do to help him start curating a resume colleges will pay attention to (hopefully without pricy private high schools)?

    • anon

      Dude, he’s 11. Chill. I say this as a parent of an 11-year-old who is exactly as you describe. Pushing them at this young age is likely to cause more harm than good. But I’m not especially invested in turning out a kid who gets the best of everything, so there’s that.

      • Anon

        +1 million. Kids do not need to be worrying about college at 11! Even if you eventually want to shoot for Ivies, which of course is not for everyone.

    • Anonnymouse

      Sarcasm?
      Anywho, if you feel this way now – I would encourage his areas as he grows vs force him to do something. He’s still young, and has plenty of time to develop interests. 99% of people aren’t the 6-year-old wunderkinds.
      Maybe suggest that he pick something to try out for a semester/season and see how he likes it, with the caveat that he has to finish the agreed upon time period, but can stop after that if he dislikes it. I was a smart kid, but not excellent at any one thing. Honestly feel like that helps me in that I have a wide range of interests and experiences.
      Honestly feel sorry that kids (and by extension parents) are so pressured these days – most of the kids I went to school with were in circumstances where they couldn’t afford the extras, so it was a much more chill environment.

    • Anon

      He’s 11, and you’re white and wealthy. He’ll do just fine even if he goes to college at a 2nd tier state school. He’ll get a degree in something, then get an internship and the company of one of his parent’s friends, and that will become a job, then perhaps a career.

    • Anonymous

      Is this a joke? Get help. All your child needs to do is continue to do well in school and feel supported in his interests by loving mentally healthy parents.

    • Anonymous

      For everyone going through college anxiety, I wanted to recommend two resources:
      1) The College Conversation, on Facebook.
      2) This post, by Kelly Corrigan. I can’t figure out a way to link it, so I’m pasting it here. It is wonderful.

      For everyone who is deep in the college admissions scramble right this minute…
      One day not so many years ago, I read two long articles, back to back, on the role parents play in their children’s stress and success and I made a decision. When they came through the kitchen door that afternoon, I said, “Girls, I have a major announcement.” They looked alarmed. “I no long want to see or discuss your grades.” Georgia wanted to know what I meant, exactly. Claire was sure it was a trick. [I am not a casual parent. I know what I want for my kids and I’m both serious and direct about my expectations.]
      “If,” I said, “you want to talk about a book you’re reading or a paper you’re writing or ideas of any size or shape, I’m all in — but grades and grading scales and whatever you need to get on the final to get whatever grade you’re trying to get for the semester? That stuff is off limits.” Based on the position of their eyebrows, I felt compelled to go on. “Dad and I are not registering for Infinite Campus or Schoology. We won’t be checking your assignments or test scores online. Your grades are your deal.”
      Habits are notoriously hard to break and grade fixation is no exception. Talking about school without talking about grades required new conversations, which is to say new questions. All my chatty standbys — how was the math test? Is there extra credit? How long is your paper supposed to be? — were pointing us in the wrong direction. The intersection between the answers to these questions and my vision for my kids is the null set. One of my new conversation starters became Who did you eat lunch with? Another: What surprised you today? When my conversational kindling wouldn’t catch, I tried doing something together, like watching Kate McKinnon skits online, playing Rummikub or rearranging their bedroom furniture. On a very good day, say once a year, we might put on music and fold clothes.
      Even with this excellent first step toward redefining our goals for our kids, we made huge mistakes, the biggest of which came down to overemphasis. My husband and I talked about college way more than was useful. Our interest was flagrant. Even though I knew that high schools kids everywhere have 10x the information they need. Even though I knew that many of my girls’ friends had older siblings in college and were reporting back real time. Even though I knew that my kids used sites like College Confidential to read anonymous posts by current students. Even though I knew that how I picked a major or why I worked part time in 1986 was, shall we say, stale information. And we were too excited about where any kid we knew was going. What felt to us like curiosity landed as pressure — more and more pressure, on them.
      I have regrets, sometimes I beat myself up, but I do recognize that it is dreadfully easy to get this wrong. What do I wish we had done? There’s one thing I would suggest. I wish we had decided how many times we wanted to say the word college within ear shot of our kids. Literally put a number on it. 100? 30? I would bet we said the word 1,000 times. There’s no undoing that. Message received.
      You know why we owe this to our kids? Because today counts and we’re not acting like it does. We’re all acting like sacrificing here today is a small price to pay for somewhere better, some future day. But today is real and we owe it some attention. As for my expectations, I hope like hell that both girls come to understand and care for themselves so that they might have the exquisite satisfaction of knowing and loving others. This takes, among other things, curiosity and patience. Call me a Tiger Mom but I’ll be damned if I’ll let them ignore the one thing that — across time, culture and class — drives happiness, productivity and contribution: meaningful connection to others.

      • Anonymous

        Aw, this is lovely and I wish I’d read it 10 years ago. Mine are both out of high school now and it would have made our lives much more pleasant.

    • No Face

      Be thankful that you have a bright child. Support him as he pursues his interests at his own pace, and know that he can definitely go to college if he wants to.

      He doesn’t need to get into the intense rat race for spots in one of the “elite” colleges.

      • Anon

        +1 and even for the elite colleges, prep does not need to begin at 11. I worked in admissions at HYP and we could spot the kids who’d been coached since birth a mile away. Among the many kids with great grades and test scores, a genuine passion or interest in a subject or activity, even one discovered relatively late, will beat a long but passionless “resume” every time.

        The only thing I would say is since you have the money, send him to cool summer camps to let him explore his interests in a setting with other bright kids who share those interests. But this is less about college and more just that it’s a good thing for him in general.

        • pugsnbourbon

          +1 to the summer camp idea. Let him have FUN. Childhood is so short.

      • anon

        +1. I do not get the obsession with the elite schools, TBH. What’s the end game, here? There are so many other ways to get a good college education.

        • Anon Mom

          I agree that there is no need to push an 11 year old, but I know enough people who went to HYS (or similar) who feel very strongly that it set them on the path to career success – usually because of the contacts they made or being in a specific field – to understand the concern.

          I have a very good friend who does estate planning and who specializes in Chinese-Americans (she herself is Chinese-American) who absolutely thinks that her academic credentials were key to getting her where she is because her clients care quite a lot about credentials. And parents, including me, as eager to be sure that their children have every option available to them and nothing is foreclosed because of decisions made in high school or middle school.

          In my personal case, my child’s anxiety made it pretty clear she would be miserable and would not succeed in a high pressure environment so I avoided a lot of this. I also had the advantage that due to an inheritance earmarked for her college I did not need to worry about costs. But I understand the concern.

          • Anon

            The people who say “I went to HYS and it was critical to my success in life” are saying that because they don’t know any different. They can only speak from their own frame of reference. For them, HYS was the path to success. For millions of other people, NOT going to HYS didn’t hamper their success in the least. It’s about the narrative you choose to buy into. One is much, much more expensive (on a lot of levels) than the other.

          • Anon

            I do feel like my name brand college opened doors for me. In some instances I know it did. The admissions officer at my T25 law school told me I was awarded my merit scholarship (80% of tuition my 1L year) because “we don’t really get any ___ graduates here, and it blew our minds that you’d gone there.” I also know it was a role in getting my first job in Big Law (I graduated in 2010 so I was un/underemployed for a year after law school before I finally landed on my feet in Big Law). I didn’t do a great job in the interview but they called me back for a second interview because “you went to ___, we know you can do this job and we want to give you a chance to prove it.” They wouldn’t have had that attitude toward someone who’d gone to State U or even a less impressive private school. But I also think I would have had a fine life without these things happening to me. I think “name brand college does nothing for you” and “name brand college does everything for you, I’d be nothing without it” are both extreme and inaccurate and the truth is almost always somewhere in the middle.

            I do not think the return on investment for any private college (vs. state U) is generally worth it if you have to undertake massive debt or your parents have to raid their retirement to send you. I was fortunate that my parents paid my $300k undergrad tuition bill without sabotaging their own retirement. I will not send my own kids to any private college, even HYPS, unless we can do so without jeopardizing our own future, and I would never dream of encouraging them to take loans for it. Our local State U is $10k a year, ranked in the top 20 public schools in the US, and will set them up for their future careers just fine. In fact, if they have interest in law or med school, I would actively encourage them to go there and save our tuition contribution for professional school, which is even more expensive than college.

          • Senior Attorney

            Meanwhile my husband is a very successful family law attorney and probably the plurality of his clients are Chinese-Americans, even though he went to decidedly non-HYS schools. As they say, the plural of “anecdote” is not “data.”

    • Anonymous

      Move to a podunk town somewhere and get him started on bassoon and fencing.

    • Anon

      Instill a genuine love of learning, a genuine love of doing stuff, and avoid burnout.

      You’re in the Midwest. You’re in an area wherein your son does not need to join the crazy admissions frenzy in order to succeed. Take advantage of that! Embrace it!

    • Anon

      Please, please, please relax. Ask your son what he wants and keep asking. Really listen, and keep listening. He may not want to go to college, or the kind of college where you need a resume people will “pay attention to.” There is nothing wrong with not being a standout anything at age 11. Most of the high school “superstars” I went to school with are not really doing that well in life; some are dead! The attitude you’re portraying – push, push, push the kid to excel to the standard I expect – is the same attitude that can lead kids to a lot of self-doubt and self-destructive behavior. We as parents can influence, but kids are on their own path. Give your kid some space and time to figure out who he is and what he wants. If that ends up not being a top-shelf school, it doesn’t mean he’s a bad kid, or that you’re a bad parent. Signed, mom of a teenager.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t remember which of his books it is, but I really recommend that you read the Malcolm Gladwell book that dips into the research connected to being a gifted person suddenly being a “small fish” and just one of hundreds of other similarly gifted people competing, in a prestige college setting, and how that affects mental health and motivation.
      I think it’s the David and Goliath one, but check the blurbs. Highly recommended reading for wannabe helicopter parents!

      • Anon

        I can’t stand Malcolm Gladwell and can’t endorse a recommendation to read his stuff (his latest book which has horrible victim blame-y things about Chanel Miller and the victims of Jerry Sandusky) but I totally agree with the point about gifted kids and mental health/motivation being issues in prestige college settings where everyone is gifted. I have tested highly gifted (IQ 155+) and breezed through AP courses and college classes at my state university while in high school, but really burned out at my top college where pretty much everyone was highly gifted. Academically I did fine – not great, but fine; I probably didn’t hugely underperform my IQ which I’m guessing was around the median in my class – but it absolutely destroyed my mental health and love of learning, and I abandoned the career path I’d be dreaming about since preschool because I couldn’t take any more school. I think it’s likely if I’d gone to a state university or even a top private university that was one or two steps down from the best I could get into that I would have pursued graduate school in my chosen field and ultimately “made more of myself” than I did. Ultimately I did ok – I have a career that pays my bills, I’m happily married and have a kid, my life is nice even if my career doesn’t live up to the prestige of my educational resume. But I know plenty of gifted, previously high achieving kids who burned out worse than I did in college, including dropping out of college completely, dr*g abuse, suicide.

        I would *strongly* urge parents of gifted kids to think about these issues, particularly if you have a gifted child who (like me) is not emotionally resilient and does not handle failure well. There is so, so much more to academic and career success in college and beyond than just intellectual ability and willingness to work.

        • Anon at 6:33

          Thank you for pointing out that Malcolm Gladwell controversy! I didn’t know about the this case, and I really appreciate you pointing it out. Thank you!!

  10. anon

    I avoid buying cosmetics and skincare on Amazon, but MIL is asking for gift ideas and only shops from Amazon and Kohls. Am I going to be OK if I stick to something like an eye shadow palette, lip balms, and such? I know it’s a risk, but I am really trying to request only “consumable” items for gifts this year.

    • Anon

      Kohl’s has Sephora now! Or on the off chance she shops at Target, they have Ulta.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      Look at Amazon Premium Beauty.
      Idk what you mean by ‘am I going to be OK?’ If you don’t trust the products she buys for you, trash them (or donate). You don’t have to use anything she gives you.

      • anon

        Well, sure, but I’d prefer that she not waste her money on products that are expired or otherwise un-trustworthy!

        • Anon

          Goodness. Kohl’s is a perfectly legitimate department store. On Amazon, if you find the product through the manufacturer’s page and not a third-party seller, you’re going to be fine. As another alternative, what about bath products? Bubbles, salts?

        • Anon

          ?? You are being weird about this. Amazon and Kohls sell perfectly fine, legit projects.

    • Cat

      Can you ask for stuff that isn’t personal care? Like what about fancy cleaning supplies or hand soap like Mrs. Meyer’s?

        • Cat

          Not sure why this merits a Wow – OP wants ideas for consumables from AZN that aren’t makeup or skincare… what did you suggest?

    • joan wilder

      I just took a quick peak at Kohl’s (online) and they seem to have a Sephora + Kohl’s collaboration going on now which has many well known beauty brands so I would just be very specific with what you want and that it is available there.

    • No Face

      Amazon owns Whole Foods, and I think the quality control is still good for WF. Can you ask her for some kind of bougie skincare or hair care from Whole Foods?

    • Anon

      I hear you on not trusting Amazon- I never buy consumables there. Why can’t she get these things for you at kohl’s? They have a lot of makeup/skincare options.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Kohl’s has some unique skincare offerings but they’re overpriced (and not always eligible for those sweet, sweet coupons). Can she scoot down the road to a JCPenney that has a Sephora inside?

    • Anon

      Some brands have their own storefronts on Amazon, and those are legit as far as I know. One example is my favorite – Herbivore Botanicals. They have fun face masks and oils and also very nice smelling bath salts.

    • AnonMPH

      I buy many things on Amazon, including skincare and cosmetics, and while I do sometimes see reviews complaining that something is fake, it has never happened to me. Usually it is pretty obvious if you are looking at something legitimate. Is the seller the brand itself? Are there thousands of good reviews and only a few grumps complaining that something is fake, and those are from 2018? Then you’re good. I would never think of this as “a risk”. I WOULD however, not suggest picking random lip balm brands or eye shadow brands just because it’s Amazon and they come up first on the search. Just look for the thing you actually want.

      • Anon

        You probably got fakes and don’t even realize it. AZN throws every source into the same picking bin, so it’s luck of the draw.

        I got counterfeit conditioner from a obscure brand and only realized after I bought directly from the source s1te and could compare side-by-side the differences in the two items’ packaging (but the very obvious differences in the product).

    • Katie

      What about something like slippers or a pair of Nikes? Kohls sells those and they’re things that wear out and don’t have to be the highest of high quality.

    • Anonymous

      Totally get the consumable idea. But does it have to be body “consumable”?

      Could it be stationary (pretty marker pens, your favorite paper), something replacing single use (beeswax wrap, glass straws, cotton produce bags), or maybe some really nice shoe polish (yes! that is a thing), plant nourishment (or seed packets), beeswax or stearin non-smelly candles?

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t buy La Mer on Amazon, or any super high end stuff that would attract counterfeiters, but I don’t think anyone is wasting their time counterfeiting La Roche Posay. They have a shop on Amazon and I’ve bought lots from it. It’s all fine.

    • Anon

      I have gotten used make-up from AZN, I will never again trust them for health or beauty products.

      • Anon

        +1. I’ve had some terrible Amazon experiences and it’s turned me completely off buying there.

  11. Anonymous

    My brother is about to end his marriage as they grew apart. 13 years, 2 teens. He makes most of the money in the marriage as wife works part-time while kids but plans to go to full time in a couple of years (when kids are more independent). He is thinking he wants to leave wife and kids in the house with everything in it to maintain their life and he will start over nearby in a place where he wouldn’t have room for a house of furniture anyway.

    He is hoping for a calm divorce as he still sees the wife as a great mom and wants to coparent well. He hasn’t called an attorney yet. For those who have had non-fighting divorces, are there any specific things that made it go more smoothly? He’s willing to walk away from it all along with paying the alimony and child support that’s a given, all to try to make this as easy as possible. What else can he do? (He asked me to ask here as he’s heard me talk about this group haha) Thanks!

      • Anon

        They were 11 and 12 in the previous posts, I think she’s fudging the details a bit to attempt to be incognito.

    • anon

      He’s trying to make it “calm and easy,” which is great, but this is still going to be a devastating turn of events for the rest of the family. So since he’s still insisting on living his best life, commit to being a good dad and co-parent, not a half-assed one who doesn’t want to be there.

    • Anon

      We’ve told you to dump your “brother” already. His wife and kids are going to hate you both no matter what you do, and you’re wasting your life clinging to this married dude waiting for him to get an attorney. C’mon now, go find an enjoyable hobby!

      • Monday

        My immediate thought as well. Is this the 4th or 5th hypothetical view of the situation we’ve seen here? OP, I thought that was you last week talking about letting go of someone who isn’t going to make a decision or something–?

    • Anon

      My ex-h and I had a great divorce – super amicable, etc. It really comes down to the two parties’ personalities and views on the divorce.

      That said, early on during the separation, I remember making emotional, silly requests of my ex-h. The silliest, most emotional one was probably to come to my place to help me pin up the falling ceiling liner in my car. Clearly I could put pins in my own car ceiling, but I was so emotional and felt like I had the world on my shoulders, that I wanted him to do the pins because he would have done that had we still been together and (in my mind) the only reason the liner fell down was because he made me move from up north down south and the southern heat had unglued my car liner so it was his fault my car looked crappy ha.

      He was also generous with anticipating my needs and just being proactive taking care of things. I was impressed and appreciated how prepared he was with, “I’ll pay for your movers back north and here’s $10k for you to get reestablished up there.” (We were equal professional earners, so that was generous and not required.) (Movers aren’t applicable to your brother, but paying off the car? Kids sports? Nanny?) He just greased my path a lot as I was shell-shocked – it’s nice having things made easy for you!

    • Anonymous

      Does “walk away from it all” include the children? It is nice to leave them the house and furniture, but it doesn’t make up for losing a husband and father. Making the divorce “easy” is going to depend on the thoughts of the wife and children, and I wouldn’t assume they will be so blasé about that. It sounds like he is willing to agree to a fair and equitable agreement regarding dissolution of assets and ongoing support, but money isn’t everything—figuring out holidays, paying for college, whether or not they will attend the same events like birthday or graduation parties are things the children might worry about.

    • joan wilder

      Your brother asked you to ask a fashion blog commentariat how to leave his wife? Now I have truly heard (read) everything.

      • Anon

        It’s the husbands mistress writing from many perspectives. First it was from a “dear friend” of the husband, then she was a good friend of the wife, I think there was one other one but I forget the details, and now she’s his “sister.”

        • Monday

          I think she said she was a friend of the family at some point, who had been called in to consult for this man who wanted a calm, friendly divorce from a wife who had never loved him anyway. The marriage was just an understanding between them all along! Notwithstanding their 2 kids.

          • Anon

            That was the one I was thinking of when I said “dear friend.” Maybe it was allegedly a friend of both of them not just the dude.

        • Anon

          I can’t remember if this is the same one as the guy who wanted to dump his girlfriend of 11 years because she should have known it was just a college fling or something?

          • Anon

            I thought that one was childless? This poster has stayed very consistent about the fact there are two preteen/teen girls and it’s VERY VERY important that the children don’t hate their dad and his new GF. Even when she was the “wife’s friend” her primary concern was the kids not hating the dad and his sidepiece. Which was the dead giveaway it wasn’t actually the wife’s friend writing in. The wife herself might find it in herself to be civil to the dad and his mistress for the sake of her daughters, but her friends would want to cut a b1tch.

        • Anon

          Omg I was too slow to put this together. Thank you for explaining this bizarre post to me.

    • Senior Attorney

      There’s no such thing as leaving your family for another woman and having a “calm divorce.”

      • Anon

        Yep. No amount of posting about “civil divorces” and “peaceful co-parenting” on the internet is going to make his daughters ok with this. Nor should they be.

    • Anon

      He hasn’t called an attorney yet, and he probably never will. They generally don’t leave their wives for the mistress.

  12. Anon

    Just got a random call from a state Supreme Court judge that a prior intern is applying to. I had written a recommendation letter that was positive but not glowing by any means and the judge started off the call saying “I’ve read a lot of recommendation letters in my life and there was clearly some things unsaid in yours. Bottom line, would you hire him again?” Call did not get any less awkward from there….

      • Anon

        I did my absolute best to not torpedo his chances and talked up what I could honestly talk up about him- as I did in the cover letter.

    • Anon

      Why not just decline to write the letter if you’re going to do this? Agree, I feel bad for prior intern, geez.

      • Anon

        Long story but I discussed it with my supervisor and we both decided it was better to write the letter. Both my supervisor and I are surprised the judge read into it what he did, it was not a negative recommendation letter- it just wasn’t over the top glowing like I usually write. I said that while I wouldn’t hire him again it was only because he was a mismatch for our work but he has multiple strengths that would serve him extremely well in a clerkship. I honestly think he’d be a good clerk and let the judge know that. I feel good about how I handled the call and I don’t think that the recommendation letter was negative.

        • Anonymous

          Please use this as a learning opportunity. You obviously did write a negative recommendation letter because the potential employer told you so. Maybe it’s just because recommendation letters are normally glowing and yours was not. But it was interpreted in a very negative way. In the future, if you can’t give an unreservedly positive recommendation letter then decline to give one. I’m not sure why you felt the need to talk to your supervisor about whether to write a letter you clearly had reservations about, but your supervisor does not get to tell you to do something sh!tty to someone – and yes writing a lukewarm letter is really sh!tty.

          • Anon

            Cool, thanks, glad you know exactly what happened, your feedback is so very appreciated.

          • Anon

            I think you’re being really unfair to the OP. People who can only get lukewarm letters generally don’t have a lot of options for letter writers, and she did him a favor by writing a positive letter even if it couldn’t be gushing about how he’s the world’s greatest candidate. Your reaction would be appropriate if this kid was a total superstar and she torpedoed his chances at an important job over something completely trivial. But that’s not the case. It sounds like she was generally positive but not unreservedly so, consistent with his general performance, and I don’t understand why that’s $hitty. If she hadn’t agreed to write him a reference, maybe he would have had no one able to write for him at all? Believe me, it’s worse to have no one willing to write you a letter (I’ve been in that situation myself!) than to get a mostly positive but not glowing letter.

      • Anon

        This seems harsh to OP. Many people could never get a reference letter if everyone declined to write one unless it was “glowing”. That’s a high standard! I’ve read and written many positive letters I wouldn’t describe as glowing.

  13. Anon

    From the “what not to wear at work” post (I was late reading it:

    I need clarification on the “ankle pants” to avoid. I typically wear a Boden Richmond style pant to work every day with heels or loafers, and they hit at my ankle. I searched “pant” in the archives, and most of the recent pant recommendations are an ankle length pant. At 41, I need help to not look outdated or frumpy, so help me with which kind of ankle pants are out!!

    • Cat

      you’re fine. those pants aren’t 100% current but nor are they hopelessly dated or frumpy. TBH I thought that post was out of date; people are wearing their 2019 clothes to work around me at best, and in general, things that were pearl-clutchy in that post really aren’t so IRL anymore. Stay away from TB medallion shoes and you’re fine :)

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