ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Aleah Pull-On Trousers

A pair of blueish-purple pull-on pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

These royal purple trousers from Reiss are just a little bit dramatic without being too far over-the-top. I like the wide-leg silhouette and partially-elasticized waistband for a comfy feel that doesn’t sacrifice style.

I would pair these with a slim-fitting black turtleneck and lug-sole loafers for an easy business casual look.

The pants are $210 at Reiss and come in sizes 0–14 (regular and long inseams) and petite sizes 0–10.

Sales of note for 12.5

325 Comments

  1. First-time landlord here – please give me all of your amazing advice! I have completed all of the city (DC) paperwork and inspection requirements, had it painted and cleaned, took professional photos, now I’m ready to list my condo on zillow. Any tips on showings? Should I list that it is available immediately (it is) or jan 1? Thank you all!

    1. List as available immediately. It can be a huge help to have leases overlap by a few days to facilitate easier moving and cleaning.

      1. 100%. If it’s available now say it is available now. I always try to have my leases overlap for flexibility with moving. If someone has to be out Dec 31 they may be thrilled to pay an extra week of rent and move on Dec 27.

    2. It doesn’t matter if you say it’s available immediately or Jan 1 – the effect will be the roughly the same. I personally would say Jan 1 to avoid fire drills on getting paperwork done in a couple days window or having to deal with prorating rent.
      Also make sure you have a plan for how you will accept payment. I always used a property manager to avoid the hassle of collecting payment and enforcing fees.

    3. I’ve always hired out the renting portion to an agent. Too much personal liability to do that yourself. A bad tenant can be a nightmare.

      1. I don’t see how an agent changes that. A good agent can screen better maybe. Is that it?

          1. Is it that they run a real credit check or is there a secret database of nightmare tenants (or just tenants who don’t pay)? I sort of worry that if it is reliance on a gut check then there might be fair housing concerns (vs just can you pay and do you have history of damage and not getting your deposit back).

          2. The idea that someone has a list of bad renters for an entire city is ludicrous. They run a credit check.

      2. I use an agent, too. I figure I only do this once every few years, while the agent does it pretty much every day and is just much much better at it than I am. So far I haven’t begrudged one penny of the money I’ve paid her.

    4. My son is about to sign his first lease. His lease starts 12/15 and we will move him in slowly over the next couple of weeks. He found the place online and a real estate agent showed him the place, worked as a go between with the owner (it’s a condo), and is handling the lease paperwork. It seems to be working well that way.

    5. We had a landlord once who used Avail software (avail.co) and we loved being on the receiving end so much. Made everything totally professional. Automatic payments, leases that conformed to local laws, electronic maintenance requests, etc.

    6. Ask prospective tenants to complete a google questionnaire attesting that they meet your minimum income, credit or other requirements. No sense wasting your time on people who won’t get through your process. And make sure you have a process! Application, credit report, confirmatory calls with employers and landlord.

      1. +1

        Screen well or use a professional to do it for you, as others recommend.

        Make sure you call the prior landlord.

        My last landlord was a young couple – she was a lawyer, he was in tech. I rented their condo. They had just been scammed by their past tenant. “Bad tenant” seemed like the perfect renter – middle aged, single woman, lawyer. Nice, good income. What could go wrong? Well she new the law so well she knew exactly when to stop paying rent, how long the eviction process took, how to avoid every major penalty, how to advocate for herself… etc… They lost thousands $$ on her. In fact, in the end I think they paid her to get her out. The husband admitted to me that after they finally got her out, they called her prior landlord to ask about “Bad tenant”. The old landlord said…. “Why didn’t you call me before you rented to her? She did the exact same thing to me…..”.

        Always call the employers/old landlords. Or hire someone to do it for you.

    7. If you haven’t already, I would map out what maintenance looks like within the first year so you can plan with your future tenants first thing. (Unless you already have professional services in mind?)
      I had a landlord who told us up front that: 1) They scheduled a professional yearly furnace and AC check 2) They would be doing a quarterly walk through just to make sure everything was working correctly in the rental (ex. check plumbing, appliances, swap out the filter on furnace, etc.). I think it was also their way of checking if we maybe had gone against our rental agreement (ex. a pet moved in, new roommate, etc.). I felt better knowing upfront that was their routine schedule of things so it didn’t feel like an intrusion.

  2. Loved the Bridgerton tea idea yesterday! Now, I’m looking for DC-based consumable gift ideas. I’ll be flying with these so all of the local beers/ciders/liquors are out. I’m thinking coffee, chocolates, or something like that. What are your favorites?

    1. I’m doing this exact same thing! I’m getting chocolates from Arcay Chocolates at La Cosecha, granola from Baked Joint and coffee from Small Planes. I’m also checking a bag so that I can bring wine and beer.

      1. My ILs always ask for the Teaism salty oat cookies when we visit, they are obsessed!

  3. Can anyone comment on the Aritzia Cocoon coat? This would be my first purchase from this brand. I was able to try it on in the store and liked it but am wondering how it holds up. I’m looking for something to go over suits/dressy outfits for occasional use, not an every-day coat.

    1. Have it, love it. Mine is several years old, but I barely wore it during COVID. (I’m a fan of Aritzia quality in general, fyi).

  4. Photo printing recommendations? My (US east-coast based) cousin is very into photography but has mentioned that he hasn’t been able to get it together to print and hang some family photos he likes.
    I want to give him a gift card to an online shop that will print photos on high quality paper (and possibly frame them but that’s optional).
    I’ve seen a few recommended here but I wanted to ask again with emphasis on the high quality because I know as a photographer he will be fussy about the paper and print job.

    1. If he is going to frame them himself, then I personally like nation photo. In the group of photographers I know that don’t have their own printing equipment, they seem to prefer Printique.

    4. Printique is pretty reliable. It is run by Adorama, and you can pick up in person if he is in NYC.

    5. I like Mpix for prints. I tested several companies for wedding prints, and imo they had the best quality.

    1. Yes! I ordered them inspired 100% by the rec to wear them with a black turtleneck. It sounds like an easy outfit to war all day.

    3. Haha I feel like I could hold these up to my body and the waist would be at the top of my head and the hem would be at the soles of my feet — or below!

  6. Maybe a dumb question but if you wear loafers in Winter, do you wear them with socks? If so, what kind / color? Do you match the color of the leather? Cannot figure them out as winter shoes without feeling like I’m impersonating my dad.

    1. I don’t but I also only wear them when I’ll be primarily indoors. I usually keep mine in my office and commute (20 min walk) in sneakers/boots then change into loafers when I get to the office.

      I live in the city and walk pretty much everywhere I go so my winter shoes are almost entirely boots, unless I’m changing at the office or going somewhere very, very close by or someone is driving.

    2. Yes, i wear them with socks. My general rule is to match the sock to my pant or the shoe leather.

    3. LOL at your description, because SAME. Since they’re open across the top and my feet get too cold anyway, loafers are not winter shoes for me. Anytime I’ve tried them with socks, I feel like my high school English teacher. Who had a pretty badass preppy sense of style, actually, but I don’t feel like it’s a good look on me.

    4. I wear black trouser socks. I don’t understand different colored socks or matching socks to anything. Black is neutral and goes with everything. Same concept as black tights in winter.

          3. A tan or cognac loafer looks great with burgundy, navy, and other colors I wear all fall!

          4. A tan or cognac loafer looks great with burgundy, navy, and other colors I wear all fall!

          5. Why would you wear black loafers?
            (she says, but then again, she never wears black)

      2. I have nude and nude fishnet trouser socks for non-black shoes. I have black, tan, and cordovan loafers so wanted options.

    5. I wear knee-high sheer hose with almost all my winter office shoes. For the commute I wear ankle-height uggs though!

    6. No, I wear booties at work in the winter. I might wear loafers with tights and a skirt.

      1. You wear no-show socks in this case. But, this is the reason I don’t wear loafers with cropped pants in winter.

      2. I never ever wear any socks with loafers, so I just wear loafers in temperate weather or change into them at the office in the winter.

          1. Disagree.

            Do you see a lot of men barefoot in loafers at work?

            In my city / work setting, no one wears loafers without socks in winter. We are a snowy city. People dress for the season. The people who look like they aren’t wearing socks wear no show socks, and people still sometimes comment on it. People who prefer to go bare with loafers mostly don’t wear them here in winter.

            Lots of trouser socks/hose/tights/colorful or patterned socks. Colors can match the shoes vs. pants, which varies depending upon the style/pant cuff. I do admit it can be a bit of an art.

    8. Agree with others, socks are not really for loafers. I’m in SoCal so I rarely wear socks anyway but otherwise it would be tough.

    9. I wear loafers with tights and dresses. I wear boots that go over the ankle with pants. I need warmth!

    10. I only wear loafers if it’s warm enough to go without socks (or it’s dry and I’ll mostly be inside). My loafers fit pretty snug to my foot, so I feel like socks would be really uncomfortable. I also feel like some loafers expose so much of your foot that it’s kind of obvious they’re not meant to be worn with socks – they’re a warm-weather shoe.

      1. I agree with this. I have sadly put away my loafers until April. My feet get so cold, even indoors. I’ll be in my ankle boots and smartwools for the next four months.

    11. I wear my (black or cordovan) penny loafers with black socks or tights, and generally I think of it like the tights rule – match the shoes or the skirt/pants. My socks are thin trouser socks and I tend to wear them with either full length pants (so the socks really only show if I’m sitting) or with skirts dresses and black tights. Mostly I wear the black ones with black pants or dark gray pants, so I think skin would be more visible/break the visual line more than the black socks. One of the most fashionable women in my office wears her with brighter colored socks sometimes, very menswear-inspired and intentional and looks awesome with the fun socks peaking out, but I don’t have the confidence to pull off that look. I am often cold so I never wear ankle pants or go without socks or tights in the winter. For context though, I’m the senior woman in my office in a close-to-business-formal office and wear what I want with some regard for what is “professional” and no regard whatsoever for what is “fashionable.”

    12. I wear loafers socks that don’t show over the tops and sides whenever I wear loafers, even in Winter. I only wear loafers for situations where I am just going from indoors -> uber/bus/train -> indoors so I don’t worry about my feet getting cold.

    13. I’ve been wearing support socks for so long that I have now veered into the foot aisle of the drugstore (beware!) and have sheer support knee highs in black, navy, and “nude”. They’re not so bad if just a sliver of your foot is showing, and they feel great to wear.

  7. Desperately need a gift idea (ideally would be here by Xmas, but not the end of the world if not) for my secret santa draw this year – my brother in law (~30 years old) who I have almost nothing in common with and don’t know particularly well. He’s southern, works in private equity, into hunting and sports (baseball, golf, college football)… as far as I know, he buys himself whatever he wants. I’d ask my sister-in-law (his wife) but I’m pretty sure she’d just go ask him, and I want to at least put in some effort to choose something on my own. Budget is up to $150.

    TIA!!!

    1. Something from bass pro shop so he can exchange for his own preferred gear if he wants. Yeti stuff? If he’s bougie, I just saw that Mark & Graham has an over-the-shoulder sling that holds a bunch of beer cans but looks like a golf umbrella….

      1. ahh thank you. I feel like something monogrammed from M&G will be just the thing. Like the leather bbq apron or travel watch case.

      3. Yeah I’d just get something from a store he’ll probably like, try your best to select a good item, but include a gift receipt so he can exchange. I’d stick to Bass Pro Shops or Orvis. A store Southern Tide or Volunteer Traditions (if he’s a UT person) could be a good fit. I’m sure there are similar options for whatever college team he favors.

    3. Do you know what sports teams he’s into? Maybe a gift card to somewhere he can by sports gear. Or maybe a Tervis tumbler along with gift card somewhere.

    4. Golf quarter zip with his college logo, golf practice net – set it up in your backyard to practice swings at home, golf putting indoor game or setup? DH received golf balls personalized with a picture of himself on them and they’re a huge hit, but you’d need something to go along with that.

      1. +1 came here to say golf quarter zip with his college team logo, this exactly. Sauce: have 30something southern brothers/BILs who are into golf and sports. To fill out the rest of the budget, consider a high-quality insulated tumbler with Sports Team logo or baseball cap with team logo.

        If you don’t want to go with team logo gear, I feel like one can never have too many puffy vests–get him a nice one in a neutral color in his size.

        You can ask your SIL what his favorite team is and what his clothing sizes are without giving too much away.

      2. Peter Millar has a great collegiate collection – my husband fits your BIL description above and he has a few of them that he wears constantly.

    5. Is he one of those people who is still really into their college teams? You can sometimes find a football or basketball signed by the coach.

    6. The finance dudes in my circle would probably be unable to function if they did not have a Patagonia vest within arm’s reach at any given time.

      1. The Patagonia vest is male Spanx. It makes any man seem slightly slimmer according to my DH.

      2. +1 – the ‘retro pile’ vest is very on trend and cozy. That plus a six pack of his favorite craft beer would be a solid gift I think!

    7. How about some nice sweats from Vuori? Bought them for my husband last year, and he loves them.

    8. Theragun mini has been a hit. Other options are anything from Smathers & Branson – either a belt, or coasters are super popular with the Southern rich crowd.

      2. Agree – S&B has great belts for all the major college teams. I got my husband one with Grateful Dead dancing bears and he loves it.

    9. When I have no idea at all what to get someone, or I don’t know them well, my default is always scratch off lottery tickets.

    10. I am southern and you’re basically describing my male family members. For this kind of person I go what I call “high-end redneck” for gifts. I’d do a bottle of bourbon in the $40-50 range (Michter’s or Buffalo Trace would be my recs) plus a $100 gift card to Orvis.

      1. +1. This is almost exactly what I gave my BIL for his birthday not too long ago.

  8. I have a very important cookie-related question for New Yorkers: in my attempts to bake my way through the Zabar’s catalog, I’ve made black and white cookies several times. I’ve always despaired that my frosting was never as shiny/solid as that in the pictures. Every recipe I’ve looked at uses a normal frosting, but I saw an offhand recipe to authentic black and whites using royal icing. If you’ve had one, what do you consider more authentic? Thanks!

    1. Not a New Yorker but have enjoyed black and whites while in New York and I do a fair amount of baking. I think you do need royal icing in order to get the bit of crunch and glossy surface that a black and white has. Buttercream is definitely not the frosting to use. I also think there’s a verrrrry slight difference in texture between the black and the white frosting. I feel like you need to test a bunch of recipes. And send your results to me. For science :)

      1. There’s absolutely a difference in texture in the frosting. The cookie should be soft and pillowy, and the white frosting is hard and cracks when you bite in, and the chocolate frosting is soft and will smush if the cookie is warm or your finger is on it for longer than a few seconds.

      1. That’s not royal icing though – royal icing is made with egg whites and dries very hard, which I think is wrong for black and white cookies. This looks like more a glaze that crusts. It’s just powdered sugar and water for the white frosting.

        2. Good catch – and you reminded me that when I made these I hated the frosting recipe she used and I subbed in the one from Ina Garten’s cookbook: https://barefootcontessa.com/recipes/black-white-cookies
          9 times out of 10 I just order them from William Greenberg via goldbelly – the shipping charges are a fortune but they freeze well and black and whites are my very favorite cookie and super hard to find locally so it’s my treat to myself.

    3. This is my sugar cookie icing recipe that will give you that shiny, solid texture–it not technically royal icing because it does not contain egg whites, but it dries hard like royal icing:

      1 cup confectioner’s sugar
      2 tsp milk
      2 tsp corn syrup
      1/4 tsp almond extract

      Combine and mix until smooth. That’s your base icing proportions. I usually need to triple it or so to get enough to cover about 2 dozen sugar cookies. Add milk until it gets to the right consistency. If you add too much, add more powdered sugar. Sometimes if I’m adding a lot of milk, I add some more corn syrup, too. You want it thin enough that it can run over the cookie but not so thin you have to double coat it. Think honey or molasses consistency.

    4. Black and whites vary by region. My family from upstate swears that they should have a more cake-like frosting. I understand that the more candy-like icing is from downstate. My upstate family’s even a bit sandy about the proliferation of the downstate candy icing outside of the region (see: Florida) as it’s “inauthentic” in their book ha. I have no dog in the fight as I’m not from NY and eat all cookies, regardless of the consistency of any topping, with equal relish ;) But that could explain any discrepancies you’re finding online.

    5. I consider myself a black and white cookie enthusiast and here’s my take: while the cookie is basically cake-like, the frosting is hard and crispy. so the frosting (icing?) is ideally harder than the cookie itself. For whatever reason the white side is usually harder than the black side which tends to have a bit of a fudgie vibe. I am raising a mostly kind spirited eyebrow at the thought that upstate nyers have any say on how a black and white cookie should be. It’s absolutely not a soft frosting situation.

    6. Not Zabar’s, but if you are also baking your way through the City Bakery (RIP, sniff) line-up, is there any chance you have a recipe for the Melted Chocolate Chip (?) Cookie? I so miss them.

    7. If you’re thinking of the shiny ones from Zaro’s, I believe they use fondant. William Greenberg uses fondant: “We’re between kind of a cake and a cookie, so the base of the cookie is very soft and melts in your mouth,” says Carol Becker, owner of William Greenberg Desserts in Manhattan. “And we use really fresh, good fondant, so it doesn’t crack,” she continues. “It’s a burst of flavor.”

      Source – https://www.myjewishlearning.com/the-nosher/the-secret-to-the-best-black-and-white-cookie/

    1. I left BigLaw and took several months off (rationale: moving and needing to take a July bar exam) before starting my next job (regional law). I could finally travel and see my friends before moving. It was awesome. Also lesson: if you don’t ask, you don’t get.

    2. I needed lots and lots of rest. I thought I was just mentally drained, but all that stress took a physical toll as well. I took vacation time and did some 4-day weeks for awhile. Lots of reflection and journaling to figure out how to avoid ending up in that situation again. I cut back on activities. I did less hard-core workouts and focused on walking, getting fresh air, and doing yoga. I had to do all this while living the rest of my life, so I’d say that it took at least 6 months of consistent work to dig myself out of that hole.

    3. I needed some medical issues that were reducing my stress tolerance identified and treated. (Especially, I was desperately deficient in multiple vitamins; apparently stress can burn through vitamins and any GI issue that impacts absorption just makes it worse.) I rested a lot too.

    4. For me, antidepressants (I tried 3 before finding one that seems to help). I also accepted that I simply don’t have the energy to do everything. For me, that means my house is less organized than I’d like, but I need time to rest.

    5. I am just coming out of a period like this. I left big law, and in my last two months there, I tried to reduce my workload and committed to taking on no new matters. After my departure, I took a little over a month off between positions and rested and traveled. While this may not be an issue in your case, I also started seeing a therapist about a year and a half ago (at a point where things really felt unbearable) who helped me worked through some specific issues and arrive at a point where I felt confident planning my next move. It helped to commit to a specific stretch of time where I was either completely off, or where I knew I would realistically have very little to do. I realized that I had gotten into a pattern of patching myself up in between bad stretches, but I was not getting real rest. I didn’t even enjoy my time off at first because I had lost energy to pursue hobbies (and so I’d spend all day watching television and then feel guilty and bored), but I found that those came back over time.

  10. OK gift questions/recommendations please: (1) remote colleague who manages high quality proposal output – essential to team – need e-gift to show appreciation (Sugarwish?) and (2) father is 80 and walks for exercise….wants a fitness tracker for his steps, but I don’t want to go all in on the Bluetooth/phone integration…..need a basic watch one that tracks steps and heartbeat. Thanks in advance….

    1. Not a watch, but my 86 year old mil has an Omron pedometer that gives her time, pulse, steps, and resets to zero at mid-night. There is no bluetooth compatability, which would be too complicated for her. It takes flat disc batteries, which we change for her a proper intervals.

    2. Most fitness trackers will have Bluetooth/phone integration, so it sounds like you want one where the display can show him his daily steps and such. Maybe a Garmin Forerunner?

    3. For 2, I love my Withings Steel HR. Yes, it has bluetooth capability, but you can also see your steps and heartrate on the watch itself, so I think you could ignore the bluetooth/app integration if you want. What I like most about it is that it looks like a regular, stylish watch, not a piece of fitness gear.

      For 1, I like Harry & David for corporate gifts. It’s classic and classy. Also a good option, Lammar Marie popcorn.

      1. Wow. These Withings are beautiful and I would like one for myself. I think I need something even simpler for Dad.

    4. Xiaomi makes a band in the $30 range and does everything that fitbit does with longer battery life.

    5. I would do a goldbelly/Zingermans giftcard over something from a cookie/sweets place. I feel like people just get SO many sweets this time of year that giving them the option to chose something else would be well received. Food52 has some of my favorite gifts if you know they like cooking/baking.

      1. I like that idea…Sugarwish has snacks, tea and coffees so you don’t have to do the sweets, but I like your suggestions. How much???

  11. I need ideas for a side dish for a holiday party. Ideally something vegetable heavy (but not a salad) that can be made ahead and served cold. I’m feeling a bit bored with my usual go-tos.

    1. – Panzanella. Lots of cherry tomatoes and cucumber with red onion, mozzarella, croutons, and balsamic
      – NYT has a sicilian citrus “salad” with grapefruit, a variety of oranges, olives, red onion, and fennel
      – Tapas style mushrooms with garlic, parsley, and sherry
      – Cherry tomatoes stuffed with pesto

    3. Perhaps the Best Broccoli Salad from Love & Lemons?

      It has salad in the title but is robust enough that I make it as a main dish at home, and bonus, my relatives who won’t otherwise eat vegetables have started requesting I bring it to our family get-togethers. It is served cold, travels well, and tastes better if it sits in the fridge overnight (although I leave out the nuts until just before serving so they don’t get too soft).

    1. Lola Pinot Noir. In my state it is around that price range; may be a little less if you get it in California, which is where it’s made.

      1. I like pinot noirs, too. Honestly I just go to Total Wine, tell them my budget and buy what they tell me. Works every time.

    3. Ridge is a great winery and has decent options in that range or more expensive options

      2. DH and I love Ridge! We just lived in SF for a year and were lucky to visit their winery in Healdsburg a couple times. Highly recommend.

    5. If you’re not buying online, I’d just go to any wine store and get their recommendations because everyone has such different tastes (do you like dry or more sweet? Lighter or bolder?). That price range is totally enough to get you some really great stuff.

    6. Cote du Rhones reds in that range will always be tasty. You might depending on your wine store be able to find an Etna DOC wine for $30, but it might be a bit more.

    7. If you like Bordeaux i think a Cotes de Bordeaux- I particularly like them Cadillac or Castillion- would be a bit less but shoot for a 2015 if you can find them. Same if you can find a second wine from a great producer. I like blason d’issan and chateau le tour du monds from Margaux in 2015 or 2016.

      If you’re a bit more adventurous and enjoy lighter bodied wine for about $30 you can have the best Beaujolais.I tend to like anything from fleurie (domaine chignard has my heart) or moulin a vent but any of the ten cru will work!

      I’ve recently been drinking some barolo that I snagged for that price. Not a prestigious producer but apparently a year that was hard to screw up (2013).

      Hope this helps!

    8. 1) I would go to your local wine store and ask. They are not usually snobby about how much you want to spend

      2) failing that, try Trader Joe’s – they particularly have great imports. I personally like a Gigondas, which is like a poor man’s Chateauneuf-du-Pape.

      3) For domestic, I’m partial to the intensely concentrated Russian River Pinot Noirs, but if you like a lighter, more earthy style, try one from the Willamette Valley OR.

  13. What a week. I had to put my beloved dog down, my partner and I are separating (and trying to figure out coparenting a lively toddler), and I just got COVID so now I’m sick and home alone with kiddo (partner is traveling for work and had to send the nanny home as soon as I tested positive) and COVID for the rest of the week. And of course work is super busy and I’m a partner so it’s not like I can check out. Just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Things will get better, right?

    1. Oh my, this is tough. Hugs from an internet stranger. And permission to go buy all the activities online to try and keep toddler busy while you rest up. My toddler likes the cupkin sticker books from Amazon.

    2. Oh gosh that’s a lot! You will get through this. Relax any and all toddler screen-time rules if you haven’t already.

    4. Oh, my! Big hugs to you! Things will most definitely get better but please be gentle ith yourself in the meantime!

    6. Sending you hugs. I hope you feel better soon. Take it one day at a time, with everything, but definitely prioritize your physical and mental health.

    7. So sorry you are having so many hard things at once. Your post sounds a little detached from the mess, which is likely where you need to be to keep functioning. Please go as easy on yourself as you can, and let us know if there are concrete things that would help.

    8. Oh, this is just a lot, and it must be so hard. Let your standards go (screen time, meals, tidiness of the house) and outsource or delegate everything you can – grocery and food delivery, laundry, everything at work that you can assign to a junior or just put off.

      Sending you all the hugs and support.

      1. Reading this late but – this is good advice. Also as horrible as this is, it sounds like you are your child’s dad are approaching this like mature people. Wishing you good health, peace in your work and personal life. These are the first (tough) steps on your new path. Hope it leads somewhere amazing.

  14. Recommendations for a restaurant in Chicago to go with my mother the week after Christmas? In the past we’ve done Mercat a la Planxa, Mon Ami Gabi, Signature Room. I like cozy places, she likes views, no restrictions on food types or costs.

    1. Cindy’s! Or meal at Cherry Circle Room and drinks after at Cindy’s. Cindy’s is cozy and has great views.

      1. Oh man, I’m looking at their restaurant week menu and I might have to make a special trip back for that

    3. Cindy’s has great views (I’ve only ever had cocktails there). Quartinos is festive, Italian but no views. Chicago Cut (steakhouse) has nice views of the river.

  15. Any hostess gift ideas? I’m going to a neighbor’s house for Hanukkah this weekend. They are doing more than normal because my daughter wanted to celebrate Hanukkah, so I want to get them something nice.

    1. Standards are a candle/wine/chocolates. My personal favorite (presuming you know them well enough to understand food issues/restrictions) is to get an assortment of goodies at the best bakery in your town and pairing it with a pound of coffee beans so that their breakfast the next day is taken of. You can also bake something like a dozen muffins/loaf of challah/etc. if you’re into baking and package it up nicely.
      Related – my parents once went to a Saturday night wedding of a business associate in the 80s in Long Island and the guest favors were a dozen bagels and a copy of the Sunday NYTimes. My dad RAVED about how classy that was for literal years.

      1. Frequest hostess, and yes to these. If I get a say, bring me wine or something for breakfast the next day, please.

      2. Yes, I had guests this summer for some backyard wine. I supplied the wine and snacks, and they brought baked goods, which they specifically said were not for the gathering, but for our breakfast the next day. When I tell you my husband was PSYCHED.

        (No coffee beans, but we’re tea drinkers anyway. Coffee beans die a slow death in our freezer.)

    2. I’d do a nice bouquet of flowers with a subtle silver/blue/white theme. I’d avoid food and wine for this specific occasion.

    3. I’d bring a bottle or two of nice wine and nice fancy donuts for dessert and maybe flowers.

    4. I think fancy olive oil is ideal. It’s festive and appropriate but she won’t feel the need to serve it!

  16. Another gift question! Any recommendations for work-appropriate men’s watches under $500? Leaning towards leather band, for man in mid-30s.

    1. They aren’t fancy fancy, but they are work appropriate and under $500. . . Daniel Wellington.

    3. Shinola watches are cool, and made in the USA (Detroit, to be exact). It looks like their watches inthe $400 range have favric or silicone straps, but you can add a leather strap for ~ $100.

  17. Very good article in The Atlantic yesterday that reminded me of the how-to-address-your-close-friend-gaining-a-significant-amount-of-weight-in-a-year question from last week, entitled “Should Friends Offer Honesty or Unconditional Support?“ It talks about a “culture of passivity” that “makes many people reluctant to question their friends’ decisions.” Check it out!

    1. There is a huge difference between someone giving feedback on something shitty that they’re oblivious about or if i’m asking you for feedback then yes give me feedback and someone who unsolicited tells you someone did you know you’re fat? i had a friend who constantly said shitty things and couched it as “brutal honesty” and i had to cut that off.

      1. The friend had already acknowledged the weight gain with self-deprecating jokes. That was not feedback on something they were oblivious to regardless of whether the situation was appropriate for feedback. Don’t know how else to view it but the OP trying to make her friend feel worse.

        In my experience, most folks aren’t “trainable” if the situation isn’t right–willingness to take the feedback, the feedback giver is qualified to give the feedback, the feedback itself is part of larger change coaching, etc. Friends rarely fall into these categories. Heck, it’s hard enough to facilitate in a workplace with high motivation for successful training among both parties.

      2. Did you read the article or no…? Sorry your friend was mean to you. But every conversation about weight does not always equate to “shitty.” It seems any discussion around weight is a trigger for many of you.

        Also, interestingly to me, many in that thread couched the discussion in terms of OP telling the friend she is “fat” when OP never used that terminology. In any event, whether it is reasonable concern for rapid weight gain or an abusive partner or any sensitive/awkward talk, there is a stark divide between the “mind your business” crew and the “I’m going to say something to my friend” crew, which was fleshed out in the article and why I actually shared.

    2. The article deals with people who are having relationship problems, not people who have an issue that’s evident every time they look in the mirror or put on a pair of pants. Nice try attempting to justify mean-girl behavior that lets you feel superior with a pop-culture opinion piece, but no dice.

      1. + a million

        And in case this is a personal situation for you that you’re trying to justify, again, keep your mouth shut.

      2. I’m not a mean girl, so let’s get that out the way. What I said wasn’t an attempt to justify any type of behavior. I won’t address the “lets you feel superior” portion of your decidedly not-nice post. “Nice try” attempting to dismiss me.

        Lastly, certainly we can extrapolate concepts to other circumstances. While the article shared two anecdotes about relationships, the themes were discussed in a general manner.

        1. “I’m not a mean girl” is exactly what a mean girl would say. All of your responses seem very aggressive, and some are mean.

    3. You are clearly trying to provoke another reaction here. Mods, this is a really obvious attempt to stir the pot and not provided in good faith.

        1. I’m not stirring the pot. I suggested a read about two different approaches which were reflected in discussions here last week, in my opinion. So be it if it is a controversial topic but that does not make it trolling or whatever else such nonsense you’ve accused me of. We bicker and argue here every day, how is this different? And I’m serious about that last question.

          1. Because people are not supposed to post content with the intention of starting bickering and fights. That is called “tr0lling” and it’s not welcome in most online communities. You know this, so please stop being intentionally obtuse. It’s a bad look for you.

          2. I wasn’t posting to intentionally start bickering or fights, but a discourse, so we can start there. I shared an article that was relevant to and reminded me of a discussion here last week. I didn’t even reiterate my opinion on it!

            Also, I have been and am being civil, so you along with the others, can stop with the insults and cursing. No one is obtuse, intentionally or otherwise, over here.

          3. Real question: What is your deal? Why are you so insistent that we have the conversation you want to have today? It almost seems like you want to start (or revisit) a fight about this. What’s up with that?

    4. Some friends are open to suggestions or criticism of their choices, some are not going to accept feedback, no matter how objectively true or well-intentioned. I also don’t presume that I’m the only person who notices a particular issue – for instance, I have a couple of friends that would probably meet the diagnostic criteria for alcoholism. I have a hard time imagining that their partners, or other friends, haven’t seen the same behavior. And people who have gained a significant amount of weight certainly know that has happened.

      I tend not to offer my opinions about my friends’ decisions, unless directly asked for my opinion OR I think that they are putting someone else’s life in danger (e.g., drunk driving).

      1. I understand this approach. That’s what I find fascinating, though. If everyone is thinking that someone else is addressing a matter with a person, and actually no one is…. Also, if you have the type of relationship where the friend is open to speaking about sensitive subjects with you and maybe vice versa, why would you not? I’m really trying to understand.

        1. Maybe I’m just too mean/limited, but in general, I just don’t have the mental energy to approach mutual friends and ask them if they’ve brought up Problem X with Person Y.

          As for openness, I think even if you can have a spirited debate about say, politics or gender identity issues or religion, that doesn’t necessarily translate into being open to hearing, “you’d probably have better health outcomes if you lost 30 pounds” or “I think your spouse treats you badly even if it’s not actually abuse.”

        2. Sometimes, by which I mean all times, it’s none of your effing business. That’s why.

        3. Blunt answer to your question: because people don’t always understand their lane. If my friend gained, say, 100 pounds, my lane as a friend could include ensuring that there is not some big issue going on in her life that caused this (massive stress, the “great guy” is actually horrible to her), and provide a supportive shoulder. My lane does NOT include anything resembling mental health counseling, nutritional guidance, or anything to do with, say, a thyroid issue.

          In my experience, a lot of people do not understand their lanes. The ones who think they are “sensitive” are often the emotional equivalent of a bull in a china shop. I cannot tell you how many women have basically said “I’ve been to therapy so let me play psychologist with you” and get really offended when I smack that down. People just don’t understand what is and is not their lane.

        4. I’m someone who would prefer friends say something than not but that absolutely does not extend to things like weight gain or loss if unprompted. I value my friends honesty and concern, which I think includes pointing out things to me that I may not be able to see myself (partner isn’t treating me well, job is taking advantage of me, I’m drinking too much, etc). That doesn’t extend to things that are painfully obvious to me (changes in my body – whether that’s weight loss or gain, changes in my skin, hair loss, etc). I promise you if you’ve noticed something about my appearance, I’m painfully aware of it. I see myself in the mirror every day (literally). I count on my friends to be a mirror for the things I actually can’t see for myself

    5. So here’s the convo I had with my doctor this morning.
      Him: So you’re up five pounds from your last visit in April.
      Me: Yeah, hahaha, too many Halloween treats prolly, I’m still working them off.
      Him: Just want to point out that you’re up 12 pounds from this time two years ago according to the graph. Like, you’ve gone up and you’ve gone down in the last two years but you’re 12 lbs heavier than you were two years ago.
      Me: No, no way.
      Him: Want to see the graph?
      I look at the graph. He looks at me. I look at him.
      Him: Might be a good thing to work on your nutrition so we can nip this in the bud before it gets worse. Do you want a referral to a nutritionist? What other support can I give you? (He’s been my doctor a long time, so this is not the first conversation we’ve had about my weight).
      Me: NO it’s FINE I will WORK ON IT.
      Him: Okay great. See you in six months (I check in with him every six months due to a chronic health condition that I’m on medication for, which is wholly unrelated to my weight but gaining weight can exacerbate symptoms).

      I have no problem having this conversation with my doctor. But my friends are not doctors, and if they were doctors, they are not my doctors and I frankly don’t want to hear it from them. I have dumped a friend for talking badly about another friend’s weight behind her back because I found that to be mean-spirited and inappropriate. If the concern for a friend is really about “health,” guess what? There are these people out in the world called “health care providers” and those are the PERFECT folks to have a conversation with someone about their weight, and how it affects their health. You, as their friend, should just butt out and mind your own business. This was all covered ad nauseum in the discussion you seem so intent on revisiting, but: if the concern is really about health, then bring up the health concerns “you seem to be having breathing problems and I’m worried about you, are you okay?” Weight should not come into it.

      I don’t think you are someone who is motivated by genuine concern about others, period, based on your responses to people responding to you in this discussion. So it’s especially important for YOU to keep your mouth shut and not bring up people’s weight because almost assuredly, you will not deliver the message in a kind or empathetic way and you’ll just end up hurting the person’s feelings. Because the vibe I’m getting from you here is that you really seem to enjoy doing that.

    6. The article was a good read, though I don’t know that it really fits with the weight gain issue. The article was talking about friends who don’t speak up when friends are in unhealthy situations or relationships. Those are the kind of situations where a person can be easily mislead by someone with bad intentions, so you need to balance that out by speaking up as a friend. Weight gain is not.

  18. While I understand I cannot control other people and their choices, I’m having a hard time looking forward to the holidays when essentially my entire extended family has decided that they no longer do family holidays.

    I totally understand that as cousins grow up, get married, have in-laws and now are starting to have kids that things change. I wouldn’t expect anyone to be available for every holiday or every year. But in the 6 years since our last grandparent passed away, not a single cousin has come home for Christmas and only one has come to Thanksgiving (alternating years). Most have moved away, but everyone lives within a 4 hour drive.

    I’d be happy to say we don’t want to travel for the holiday but we’ll celebrate on this weekend instead but no one will do that. All of my aunts and uncles are local but their kids pretty much never come home (any time of year) but that means my aunts and uncles tend to travel to them.

    So what used to regularly be 20-30 person holidays has become my parents, sister and I and very occasionally an aunt or uncle who is not traveling. My sister and I are the youngest cousins by 6 and 9 years and are both currently single so we’re not yet at the stages of going to a partners house.

    As I said, I know I can’t control anyone’s choices but it honestly does break my heart how little my (once close!) extended family cares about maintaining relationships.

    1. I would focus on making your own new traditions. You’ll be happier. Also put the last few years in perspective. Frankly, my husband I are still avoiding large indoor gatherings this year.

      I also don’t think how the holidays are spent should be equated to “how little your extended family cares.” The reality is that 8 hours in a car is a lot to expect, especially once they have their own kids and want to create traditions with them. (I have so many horrible Christmas memories of having to pack everything in a car with everyone sleep deprived.)

      What is stopping you guys from visiting some of them?

      1. We are trying new traditions (and have been), but I get together with my parents and sister about twice a month as is so it still doesn’t feel special. Which, yes I’m 27 holidays are less special now but it still is sad.

        As for the extended family: they’re all doing large indoor gatherings so that’s not stopping anything.

        I get why they may not want to visit for actual holidays (even though many people do so), but they never ever come. They don’t even travel so that their immediate extended family is together. Actively no one is making an effort. I’ve tried to rekindle a relationship with a few via text but I hardly get a text back. Which, doesn’t make me feel welcome to propose a visit.

        The odd thing is, when we do get together (very rarely), we have so much fun. I’m loving building bonds with their kids. It’s awesome. It just happens so rarely and often requires great effort on my part (4 hours round trip driving in 1 day to see them on vacation near-ish our mutual home city)

        1. It is okay to be sad. Our society in general has become more and more disconnected as children, neices, nephews, and cousins move away for jobs. I am dealing with adjusting my expectations now that my son is 23 with a serious girlfriend in another city.

        2. Your cousins clearly don’t consider themselves as close to you and your family as you think you are. It’s time to move on.

      2. +1 to “they have their own kids and traditions”. People used to come home to see the grandparents, but also that’s what they felt they wanted to make the holiday seem special and festive. Now they have grandkids and spending it with their immediate family feels like the holiday they want – this feels like a very natural evolution. They have moved past the stage where you currently are – grown, single adult children. It’s very natural, and they’re not doing anything wrong. Because you’re the one who has a greater need for connection, you can either accept that they’re not engaged, or make more of an effort to connect.

    2. 54 and been through many Christmases…many with 40+ relatives when my husband and I did all the cooking to 6 immediate family members because of travel constraints, and people moving around and even divorces…it ebbs and flows. At the end of the day, you invite everyone and you celebrate and be thankful for those that can come. You might have only 4 of you but be thankful for that family coming together…..don’t know if you have children but they become adults go away for a bit and then always come back…so there’s that too. Learn to celebrate the beautiful season and appreciate the things that you like with the people you have.

    3. I know this is an unpopular opinion on this board, but I think it’s unnatural to settle down far from home*, and I think if you’re the one who leaves the burden on you is to travel back home for family events.

      I have friends who love their parents and have a great relationship with their parents who see their parents once a year and it breaks my heart for all involved.

      Not saying you have to move in to your old neighborhood- I’m in a very different area of the same metro area where I grew up, so about 30-40 minutes away from my parents so I see them about 1-2x a month. Close but not too close.

      * exceptions being if you’re living near your spouse’s family or the job market in your hometown is terrible or your hometown is absurdly HCOL and unaffordable. Or, if your family of origin is toxic.

      1. This is such a weird take. Some people want to move for various reasons! There’s nothing wrong with that and their reasons don’t have to fit in your few approved reasons. Let people live!!!

        2. Maybe there is a reason we have so much anxiety, depression and substance abuse in our culture? I moved away from my family and then looked for a job closer to my parents when my son was little. At the end of the day, literally when you die, family is all most of us have. I just lost my MIL and people traveled to see her in hopice even though they didn’t see her when she was still lucid.

          1. LOL, more like capitalism is the cause of both those societal ills AND the need for people to move far away from their hometowns to make a living.

      2. There are plenty of reasons why someone would move away (settling down near your college or grad school, politics, weather, access to recreation…). Before moving away yes one should consider that it’s harder to see family. But once someone moves away you can either choose not to visit them on principle or you can try to make it work.

        I think it’s more about logistics than who chose to move. It’s probably easier for a retiree or DINKs to travel vs. parents getting on a plane with young kids, packing all their toys and gear, and hoping the kids can sleep in an unfamiliar place. I don’t even have children but I imagine it’s much tougher to travel with them. Maybe you split the cost of plane tickets so the financial burden isn’t on one person though.

      3. Not sure what this has to do with OP. Those who “moved away” are being visited by their own parents, which seems to work for all relevant parties. Are you saying people shouldn’t move away from “home” but instead should drive 8+ hours in order to visit their cousins?

      4. that’s an interesting point of view… some of us moved so often growing up that we don’t actually have a ‘hometown’. I have a place my one parent grew up, and where i visited my grandparents for the holidays, but that’s it. (that happens to be where i live now, but not because of family. they live here, but we are estranged)

      5. And I think it’s a little weird when people settle down right in their hometown or close to it- is that really the absolute best place in the world for you? But I generally don’t spout this opinion around- what works for one person may be different from what works for another.

        1. It takes all kinds, doesn’t it? My mom lives in the same town where she went to high school (also where I went to school) and two of my sisters live fewer than 10 miles away. It works for them! But I would lose my mind if I had to live in southern Ohio my entire life (and I recognize I’m very privileged to be able to live in different places).

      6. I somewhat agree – I couldn’t imagine raising my kids far from their grandparents and cousins. Mostly because it’s fun to have these great relationships and partially because relatives bail us out as parents. We don’t use grandparents as normal babysitters, but they do all of the random day off coverage, sick days, and early dismissal pickups and coverage.

        1. Not everyone has great relationships with their family. Sometimes people move away for a reason. I think you should be a little more sensitive to that.

      7. I grew up in a family (and married into a family) where most of the relatives are pretty far-flung. My grandparents left OK, my parents left KS for the East Coast, my sister and I decamped to CA and TX, and my aunts/cousins/uncles etc. are scattered across the country (plus a few in the UK and Germany). We’re mostly-WASPs and have a relatively small extended family, which might make it easier to pick up and move (as opposed to living in a town where you have 15 first cousins in your ZIP code). I have some relatives that live fairly close to me, but none of them really had the ability to significantly help out when my kids were small (occasional babysitting for sure but not my sick-day backup or something).

        As for the holidays, my mean old grandma used to say, “Christmas is just a day. Your birthday is just a day.” And she was kind of right. Sure, it’s nice to see people on special occasions, but the misery of traveling long distances in crappy weather doesn’t justify the effort for everyone involved.

      8. Very magnanimous of you to allow the *exceptions when YOU decide what choices are natural.

      9. So my husband should give up his professorship to live near his parents? We should never have gotten married because his parents are in Indianapolis, my father is in SF, my mother is in Arizona, and we live in Raleigh?

        Just wondering exactly how this works.

    4. Be careful you aren’t projecting on them. Do you actually have facts and evidence that why they aren’t coming is that they don’t care about maintaining relationships? I suspect it’s more that general life gets in the way, they are busy, have other family type obligations, are exhausted, or anything else. I doubt they are sitting at home thinking yea I really am hoping that not showing up to holidays will ruin all my familial relationships.

      You are absolutely allowed to be sad, but I encourage you to do so without blaming others for something you likely can’t actually prove. You don’t know the full depth of what is going on in everyone’s lives. Trust that they are doing what’s best for them and their families right now.

      2. I mean I don’t have proof as I’ve never sat down and asked, but they’re terrible at responding to texts and the rare times I (and and 10 members of my family who live locally to me) get to see them is when we drive 4 hours round trip in 1 day to see them. I even have 3 cousins in the same metro area who never see each other – the one actually tries a lot and the others never make time.

        There was a time when we all were really close, which is why it’s so sad. We weren’t distant cousins.

        Also – my aunts and uncles will usually travel to see them for 1 holiday and spend the other holiday locally and you can tell how upset they are about it too.

        1. I can see I won’t have any luck helping you here given this response but like I said, you can absolutely be sad and it’s appropriate here! But, there are a number of reasons people don’t respond to texts. I forget all the time bc I am busy and don’t go back or I am in a funk and don’t have the energy or whatever and then a text gets pushed way down and I don’t see it and then it’s so delayed I don’t want to at all bc now I am the AH.

          What happens when you call to catch up? I find a call once in a while is a far better way to keep in touch with texts but I am in my 40s and like talking on the phone bc it’s more personal for me than texting.

          1. It’s almost comical – my birthday is one day after my one cousins – so should be easy enough to remember!

            Our text chain is 100% one sided and it’s me wishing him happy birthday and him never responding or wishing me a happy birthday for several years running. Occasionally sprinkled in with me saying “hey, your mom told me you’re in town – let me know if you wanna meet up” and also no response.

            There are others I try to text about more substantive things like shared interests or their kids and it’s like 50/50 if I get a text back.

          2. OP, I’m reading through the lines of your responses and I can truly feel your hurt. You hurt because you feel like your cousins have “moved on” and forgotten about you. I think you need to change your thinking on this. They have grown and changed, as humans are supposed to. They are not doing this “at” you. It’s okay to be sad that everyone has grown up and is doing “life”. But I think it’s time you accept it. Focus on all the great memories you had together growing up. Reconnect when possible and enjoy those times. Don’t focus on the times they aren’t around.

    5. May I gently suggest a virtual get together? Your feelings are totally understandable and I know it’s not the same, but a video call where folks on both sides pass the phone around can facilitate short, individual visits. I wouldn’t necessarily conclude that your extended family doesn’t care about maintaining relationships. It sounds like it’s hard for your cousins to travel these days. Good luck!

    6. This is so, so self-centered. Your cousins have their own lives and own immediate families and own in-laws and presumably their own children who have their own cousins they’re trying to make memories with. I think this gets back to the discussion that’s gone on a lot recently about holidays just not being as magical as an adult, but you’re blaming your cousins for that.

      1. I guess it COULD be self-centered, but i read it merely as that she’s sad. She lost something that was important to her, and she understands why she lost it and that she can’t change it, but . . . . she’s sad.

        OP, if that’s the case, a huge hug to you. I’m also single and I have had to bend and shift a lot over the years as my family has grown, kids have been added, grandparents have died. The big family celebration that used to feel so good to me is simply . . . gone. I still have a good Christmas holiday, and I still celebrate, but I also still miss what used to be. And there’s no replacement for it.

        1. You hit this spot on. It has changed and I understand why and I don’t really fault them for why but I’m still really really sad about it.

          And yes that the younger, single relatives have to be the accommodating ones.

          1. I think your issue is that you’re still one of the kids and expect your cousins to be the same, but they’re not. They’ve moved away, they have families of their own, and they’re at a different stage in their lives. You can be sad about it, fine, but casting aspersions at them for doing it “wrong” (according to you) does sound whiny and entitled.

            And when someone doesn’t text you back at the frequency you demand, that generally means they’re not as invested in the relationship as you are.

      2. I mean sure, maybe it makes me self centered. But several other relatives have expressed the same feelings and disappointment that I have (my entire immediate family and all of the aunts and uncles).

        2. In that case, can’t you have a family gathering (perhaps in Jan/Feb), with your local fam? That would be your immediate family, plus local aunts and uncles. Cousins may not join, but you’d still have more than just the four of you? But maybe it will be so awesome that cousins are enticed to join.

          1. We do get together as an extended local family several times a year! I’m happy with the relationships I have with the aunts and uncles, but I do wish I could see them on holidays!

            Heck – I probably see some of my aunts and uncles more often than their own kids see them.

    7. It might be unpopular opinion, but just a perspective to consider as a parent to small kid. We’ve made the decision we do not travel for major holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.). I grew up where we constantly traveled to distant relatives for holidays. I don’t want to repeat the same thing.
      I want my kid to have memories of being at home for holidays. Not long car rides to be in stuck in a house.
      Maybe start planning a family reunion in the summer (or when the weather is nice)?

      1. As I said, I’d be totally fine if we gathered some other time of year. I totally understand that people want young kids to have Christmas in their own house! (Which is why thanksgiving could be a nice compromise). But, they don’t have interest in a whole family visit at any time of year (we’ve tried summer before)

        They all have in laws (which I don’t fault them for seeing), but no other cousins yet.

        I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I do think holidays are family events so it’s hard to be on my 3rd consecutive major family with only my parents and sister, all of whom I see frequently.

        1. Holidays are family events for people who WANT to participate in them. I’d be fine never having a family holiday ever again and my parents are perfectly nice people, it’s just not something I enjoy.

        2. Now that they have kids their definition of family has changed. Their priority is their spouse, children, and in laws. I realize it’s hard on your end but this is the natural progression of things as people get married and have kids. Most people don’t continue including all cousins in every family gathering. You’re going to see these relatives less and often and it doesn’t mean they’re doing anything wrong. If you think the four hour drive is a pain when you visit them can you imagine doing it with young kids?

        3. there is more than one definition of ‘family’ though. you said yourself above that texting the one cousin is 100% one sided on your part, and with others it is 50/50 whether you get a text back, so it would seem that not everyone feels the same way you do, and -as harsh as this sounds- you need to find a way to be ok with that.

          1. I think I’m struggling mostly because we were raised in a very family oriented family and now they’re not – not just with me but also not with their parents and siblings. That’s not my problem to worry about but it still saddens me

          2. it sounds like there is more to the story that you don’t know about. sadly, a lot of toxicity can be hidden behind ‘family oriented family’.

          3. Yup. Family-oriented can cover a lot of landmines until the grandparents are gone.

          4. I would bet good money that there is some incredible dysfunction going on. Growing up with that is bad enough; they don’t need your pouty face about not having a big happy family.

          5. My family is very open and I truly believe that there’s no toxicity. We are a family that calls a spade a spade and does not hide behind niceties if we’re not actually happy.

      2. This. We’re about 3 hours from family and made the drive on Christmas day for a few years and my kid told me over covid he wanted to just stay at home. It’s hard on kids to wake up, open presents, and then immediately leave those cool new toys to be bundled into a car for a long drive. We now split up celebrations and do gatherings 1-2 weeks after the holiday on a weekend day which I enjoy as it spreads the holidays out a bit!

        1. At least you guys gather for an alternative! I’d be overjoyed if anyone would agree to that.

          3 hours on Christmas Day is a lot; I’d never expect that! Some used to bring their kids for 3-4 days over Christmas but that stopped when they wanted the kids to have Christmas in their house- which I totally get!! But then I’d prefer to do it like your family does and have an alternative celebration

    8. My mother’s side of the family has moved to doing a summer reunion every other year, instead of trying to get 3 generations together at Christmas every other year. We go to the Outer Banks and rent a big house, but you could go anywhere. Christmas is just really hard, especially when there are multiple families involved, each with their own responsibilities and expectation, and it is an expensive time to travel. We are scattered far and wide too – I don’t live within 4 hours of any of my relatives.

      1. We’ve tried this, and there was too much pushback or scheduling constraints to make it happen

      2. My family also does this, and frankly people have chosen to participate or not and it’s fine. At one point everyone (my parent’s 9 sibilings plus all offspring) would attend our summer family reunion, but between people getting older and passing away, & some families not being into it, it’s now a smaller group and just those folks who want to be there.
        I agree with the overall sentiment that people’s needs and desire for relationships change over time, but that you can’t really force it. If OP wants to maintain/encourage the relationships, perhaps she could focus on her own actions (going to see the cousins’ in their cities, etc.?) But I do think growing away from your extended family of origin is super common and not that unusual – and that the youngest members of the family may feel left behind by it.

    10. Aw, I know how sad this can feel and that you’re missing big holidays as they once were.

      Rather than taking this personally, I’d say you reframe it as natural. This happens in many families when the grandparents pass. It’s not that no one cares, it’s that the generations shift their focus and redefine “home” to generally be where the young families (your cousins who have little kids of their own) are. It’s so, so hard on little kids to travel, sleep in a bed that’s not their own, eat food that’s not their usual, etc, etc. If their grandparents (your aunts and uncles) are unencumbered, it makes so much sense for them to travel to their grandkids who they don’t get to see all the time vs staying around the old hometown with the relatives they ostensibly get to see often. And yes, as people get older and start their own families, cousins do start to take a back seat as life demands and new traditions take precedence.

      1. One thing I know is challenging for my aunts and uncles (the new grandparents) is that their kids won’t even have kid 1 travel to kid 2 or vice versa. So thrn thry have to choose which kid and grandkids they’re seeing for a holiday.

        1. Oof yeah I think there’s some dysfunction going on in the background you may not know about.

          It’s really unfair to guilt your cousins for doing what’s totally natural for most people. You said yourself it’s a pain for you a single unencumbered person to make the drive to see them. Its a giant pain to do that trip with kids.

          As to a different time of year, while that may sound lovely to you, kids and in laws and having other friends and commitments and work means there are a lot of other things competing for their time. Your aunts and uncles sound similar to my in laws. Their other kids live far away and they always complain about it, which has had the effect of my sisters in law visiting less often because who wants to spend their limited time and money for travel/vacation on getting a guilt trip.

        2. I really don’t think there’s dysfunction! I really think it’s just that my cousins are so absorbed in their own lives a larger family picture doesn’t occur to them.

          Like in this particular family’s case: my aunt and uncle have a lake house and their 2 kids and those kids’ families each spend 3-4 weeks (working remotely) there in the summer with my aunt and uncle and that time overlaps. They do like having that time together but neither kid wants their family to travel for Christmas so aunt and uncle alternate years and feel bad about it.

          I drive to see them at the lake. The drive is only a pain for me because it’s a 4-6 hour drive round trip that I have to do in one day. I think a day trip with that amount of driving is rough for anyone! But, if they’re visiting for a holiday or a weekend obviously it wouldn’t be a day trip.

          My aunt really doesn’t complain about it to her kids ; she’s long made peace with their decisions to live out of town and is smart enough to not let her disappointment show (really – she’s great at this).

          I agree that the rest of the year isn’t great – I more mentioned that as a response to other posters suggesting that as a compromise. People are always busy and clearly my cousins don’t prioritize carving out family time. I don’t think they’d do it in July if they don’t do it in December.

          1. OP I totally understand that you are sad/hurt but I do think you’re looking at this situation with a very narrow lens.

            From what you’ve posted, your cousins do value family, it’s just a narrower/smaller family than you’d like. As others have pointed out, this is a natural and normal part of aging. Do your parents/aunts all still hang out with their cousins? Did your grandparents include their cousins in the family celebrations? At some point this is a pretty normal/natural progression for the focus to shift from a big extended family to creating the next generation of extended family.

            In response to your point about driving for a day trip being a pain, trust me driving with kids for a weekend isn’t any less of a pain. It involves a lot more planning and packing and is generally just frustrating.

            When you say you drive up for a day, why not stay longer when you visit? That would allow you to see your cousins without asking them to do more.

            In response to your comment about your aunt not saying anything, I have to push back. There is literally no way for you to know this unless you are eavesdropping on every conversation between your family members. It sounds like maybe you are relying on your aunt saying she’d never say anything but I think we all know plenty of people who think they are discreet that actually aren’t.

            All of that to say, If you want to spend more time with your cousins it sounds like the solution is for you to go visit them at times that are convenient for them. If you really actually just want a big family gathering, I think you need to let that go as it’s clearly not a priority for others in your family at least at this time. In a few years you may similarly have no interest and they may be more interested if their kids are older or for whatever reason. These things tend to be fluid.

            Families and traditions change over time, it’s natural. My advice would be to cherish your memories of the big family gatherings and accept that in this season of life right now those aren’t going to happen and find ways to make new traditions, whether thats new plans for making holidays special with a smaller group or finding new ways to connect. But wishing that things will magically go back to how they were when you were a kid isn’t going to make that happen, so try not to let that wish ruin your enjoyment of your memories or new traditions.

          2. They spend 3-4 weeks together every summer?? This is way, way more time together than many families with adult children who have kids and jobs and activities and everything else. I can’t believe you or the elder parents are complaining about a lack of time together.

      2. +1. This happened when my grandparents passed. It is sad, and I do miss those big holidays, but this is part of growing up.

    11. Flip side- giant family Xmas events are chaotic and stressful and I LOVED having a quiet Xmas day with just my parents and siblings and no driving anywhere!

      1. We’ve done this for 6 years and everyone in my immediate family has hated it every year. Obviously the last 2 years would have been immediate family only due to Covid, but the 4 years before that were also disappointing.

        We all come into it with such high spirits and try to be upbeat and enjoy it but when we do a nice family Sunday dinner every other week as is, it just doesn’t feel special

        1. What can you do to make Christmas feel different than your usual Sunday dinner? Start there.

          1. Yeah, for us it felt different and special because there were fancy appetizers (and now bubbly), a formal dining room meal, the good china, and Christmas traditions! Not at all like a random weekend get-together.

          2. We’ve tried to add festive elements!

            Our Sunday dinners are casual but nice: eat in the dining room (it’s the only dining table in the house), on china (my mom has always been of th why have it if you don’t use it mindset) and my dad loves cooking so we usually have apps and a good meal (it’s almost always a nice steak and fun sides).

        2. Any chance there’s something else going on that’s accelerated the shift in the dynamics? Just a thought after reading the chat on the moms page today about someone who is trying to scale back involvement in a big family gathering.

          1. I’m that poster. One of the things that bugs me about this 30-person gathering is that it doesn’t feel like quality time, at all. It’s hard to mingle and talk with people because the house is packed. Plus, I think there are 2-3 family members who perceive that the extended family is much closer than it actually is. My DH is the oldest of the 11 cousins, by a decade, and it’s never been a particularly fun dynamic for him because we’re in an entirely different peer group than the rest of the cousins. And with the rest of the cousins, they get along fine but the nostalgia outweighs the present-day relationships, from what I can tell. The “big” cousin group is catered to in a way that he NEVER has been. I’m downloading a LOT of extended family issues today, LOL.

      2. Ha, I agree but I’m a big introvert. I understand how extroverts would feel a quiet day at home is a bit sad.

    12. I’m sorry you’re sad about the holidays, but I think this is a very natural thing. Without grandparents to link us, I have little to nothing in common with my cousins, and a much greater interest in my husband’s family, because I love him and I love them and they’re going to be my kids’ extended family. Even my parents’ relationships to their siblings have changed in the wake of their parents’ passings.

      Not to mention, if I tried to maintain relationships with everyone I’ve ever been close to, I’d be overtaxed and miserable.

      1. Awwwww, Girl, you’ve grown up! You are a grown adult woman now. It’s okay to be nostalgic about the past. But, it’s time to find yourself a man, get married and start having babies! It sounds like you need to create the family dynamic you are wishing for (and maybe haven’t realized it yet). That falls on you and your husband-to-be.

        It sounds like you want a big family with lots of kids running around – thats wonderful and I hope you are able to create that for yourself. Once you do, you will understand that Christmas is about making it magical for your kids, husband and your immediate family. Even if you love your extended family and cousins, they won’t be your priority any more, your own children and husband will be! And it will be better than anything you could have ever imagined.

        And if you are really feeling jolly, host the event yourself and open your home to all that extended family you love so much. It may feel a bit different when you are the one caring for your own children while also cleaning, prepping and prepping, cooking and opening your own home up to that chaos! ;)

        Merry Christmas

    13. I’m sorry you’re sad.
      I’d be careful about assuming reasons, though. Unless you’ve been told specifically that what you believe is true, you may not have all of the facts.
      My family used to be close too, my grandparents regularly had 25, 30+ people for the holidays, and they would travel to get there. Then as everyone started to get older, things gradually changed. The grandchildren grew up, relatives died, etc. It happens in every family as the generations change. When my grandparents were raising their children, they would travel to their parents, until everyone got older and they didn’t.
      All of the grandchildren are middle-aged now, and each sibling set does their own thing because as much as we were close as children, that didn’t mean the same would be true as adults. We all went our separate ways and just lost contact. The last time we were all in the same room was our grandfather’s funeral 10 years ago.
      You will definitely be happier, especially in the long run, if you focus on your own traditions and look forward instead of continuing to grieve over what you had in the past.

    14. I think Christmas lends itself to a sort of sad nostalgia in the best of years, so I get why you’re feeling this way. I have very fond memories of big gatherings with my mom’s family, dozens of cousins hyped up on cookies and presents. But times have changed, we’ve grown up and started families of our own or moved away. In recent years we’ve really enjoyed a smaller gathering with my immediate family on Christmas Eve – is this something you can lean into with your family?

    15. I miss big Christmas too. My grandma was basically the only one holding the family together as we grew up (and developed opposing political views…) and moved away. Everyone came back to have Christmas with grandma. She passed away 6 years ago, the family hasn’t gathered like that since.

      1. Aw I’m sorry you’re in the same boat. It’s an bummer. Everyone loved and was very close with our grandparents and as soon as they died they all stopped coming.

        Our grandparents were extremely family oriented, keeping up these gatherings would be a great way to honor their memory. But, here we are.

        1. I understand that you are sad, but your replies really read like you are not very flexible and it’s “my way or the highway”. Like what a horrible thing to say about your cousins to imply in your comment above that they are dishonoring your dead grandparents (or at least not honoring them as well as you would). Who are you to say that?! And if your nuclear family has hated the last holidays that you’ve celebrated alone, why aren’t you inviting new people to celebrate with you, or going to work in a soup kitchen or somehow totally changing your plans in a more dramatic way? Its time for you all to be more flexible and revisit the drawing board to find new traditions that you value.

          As for losing touch with your cousins, just like any friendship there are different relationships for different stages of life. It sounds like you are at risk of overwriting many years of happy memories with these people by getting so wrapped around the axle on the fact that they don’t engage the way you want now.

          1. +1. So well said. I’ve been through this shift, and yes, it was hard. You have lost something. To offer some perspective: Our family Christmases were small for awhile (7 of us). Then my siblings and I started getting married and having kids, and it’s raucous happy chaos once again. These things ebb and flow. Try to find things to enjoy about the season of life you’re in.

          2. I’m just saying that I’ve never met people who cared more about their family than my grandparents did and I do think they’d be sad to see how fractured the family has become.

            My own aunts and uncles have mentioned that they’re disappointed in the lack of effort from their own kids. I think some of my cousins are so caught up in their day to day lives that they forget about family.

            I think I’m actually flexible: I’ve said I don’t care if we get together at Christmas or another time of year and that I get why they’re not traveling for holidays and that I wouldn’t expect everyone to make it.

            As for my immediate family: we’ve tried inviting other people but they all have their own families to go to, we’ve tried several very different traditions but nothing has stuck yet but we try new ones each year. We aren’t going to radically change Christmas morning though because I know that’s what my mom clings to so there’s some sort of tradition still.

    16. Yeah I’m about you age but I’m married and have my own stuff going on. I have built my own family and we are doing our own holidays, I really hope my single cousins aren’t secretly seething that I’ve ‘abandoned’ them.

    17. Gonna be honest here: kids/cousins are often unaware of the parent/aunt/uncle dynamics. The siblings who get together as grown adults, especially after their own parents have passed on, have worked to maintain good relationships. When they aren’t getting together, it is often because someone in the family is such a horse’s behind that everyone else is relieved to no longer have to see them.

      Furthermore, when you develop your own life in a different city than the one you grew up in, “home” is where you have lived for the last 10 or 15 years.

    18. I think it’s more than possible for two things to be true at once:

      1. It’s hard and sad to be down to immediate-family-only Christmas when you have fond memories of big, fun celebrations with extended family in the past.
      and
      2. People move on and their lives change, and your cousins aren’t doing anything wrong by not making those big 20-30 person holidays a priority right now.

      Hugs, OP. I’m coming up on my 65th Christmas and this is the first time I’ve ever flown away from home for the holiday, which is new and stressful and bringing up a lot of feelings. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that things change and you just have to appreciate the holiday that’s in front of you!

      1. I totally agree with this take. I’m not sure why so many people jumped on OP when she’s expressing sadness over something that was meaningful to her. I mean, my family of origin is toxic, and I have to be an adult and accept that they won’t change, but it still makes me sad.

        1. I think it’s her subsequent comments that make people a bit offended. Like, if she hates her cousins so much, why is she so sad they’re not getting together?

          1. I want to be very clear that I don’t have my cousins but I am disappointed in how they don’t prioritize family pretty much ever. And, since there are years when I see their parents for more holidays than I do, I also know it upsets their parents too.

            I do not at all expect a 30+ person Christmas every year, I am just upset that literally not a single cousin ever makes the effort.

    19. I’m really sorry, it’s hard adjusting to the shifts in family gatherings over time. In my moms huge family, we used to have a huge (like 100 person) family Christmas when I was a small child, but as families grew and people spread out, there’s going to be a breaking point where the party splits up. I know my parents decided once I was in elementary school that driving six hours round trip for the big Christmas Eve party just wasn’t worth it. I now struggle with this as someone with an infant and three sets of parents to see for holidays (in laws plus my parents are both remarried). I already have three Christmas events to attend and “just one more” really isn’t realistic. I promise I care very much about the relationships in my life, but this is definitely the hardest time of year to fit into events in.

      The reality is that you’re used to gatherings with your grandparents, and now the next generation is gathering with *their* own grandparents.

    20. i just wanted to validate your feelings that it is ok to feel sad. I also grew up with HUGE family gatherings and due to Covid and some logistical hurdles we can no longer all get together for all the holidays. We are Jewish, so our holidays are more like Rosh Hashanah and Passover, which are extra tricky, because they can fall in the middle of the week, and now that the new generation of cousins is in elementary school it is harder to pull your kid for the extra days required for travel. Growing up our grandparents and parents and us cousins all lived up and down the east coast so we could drive, but now we are spread out all over the country (CA, WA, PA, MD, RI, MA, NY, CO, etc.) so it really does take a lot to get everyone together. we did virtual Passover in 2020 and 2021 and were supposed to do in-person for 2022, but couldn’t bc of a family member’s health, and we didnt even have a virtual gathering that time. a majority of us did gather this fall for Rosh Hashanah which was really nice and special. i will say now that i have my own kids it is easier, but i recall a few times in college when it was so depressing for me to just be home with my immediate family and like one relative. sending hugs to you and your family

    21. OP, I just wanted to chime in to say it’s normal to be sad and that lots of families are not like this. This board has a very heavy “nuclear family” bias and anytime these types of questions come up most of the responses are basically “what do you expect? They got married and have kids so you aren’t their family anymore – they need to prioritize their nuclear family.”

      I am very close with my aunts, uncles and cousins on one side. I’m even close with some of my dad’s cousins! I am also married with kids. I didn’t start ignoring my extended family in favor of my nuclear family when I had kids. My cousins live all over the country and in Europe and we love visiting them. I’m the oldest cousin, and my younger cousins like you regularly babysit (I pay them; not taking advantage) and have great relationships with my kids. For my cousins that moved away, I do some of the day to day care taking of their parents.

      Some things that I have found work at maintaining these relationships:
      – Scheduling bigger gatherings not around the holidays. We do a big Valentine’s Day party, Halloween party and a beach trip every summer.
      – Recognizing that not everyone will come to everything and that’s ok
      – 1:1 visits (I’m willing to travel to visit)
      – Using their preferred mode of communication. I’m old and would prefer email but my younger cousins prefer Instagram DMs, Snapchat, etc. I meet them where they are.
      – organizing smaller last minute get together a with those who live in the area (like come over for pizza tomorrow!)

      1. It doesn’t sound like her cousins are interested in that level of closeness, though.

      2. Thanks for your post! I grew up in a family very much like yours – we weren’t in the same towns or same schools but all went to Catholic schools in the same metro area so my cousins who are closer in age knew a lot of the same people and played against each other in sports. Like most of the family would go watch my cousins’ football games on a Friday night. My older cousins babysat us.

        My dads side is smaller so we were always very close with his 4 cousins (my favorite aunt and uncle are actually his cousin and her husband). So, I’m used to a family that includes adult cousins and their kids!

        I used to joke that my family was like the families on Modern Family – almost weekly gatherings with some portion of the extended family. Which is why it’s hard having it be so different now.

    22. I’m sorry you’re sad. I also get sad when people I was once closer to don’t seem to have time for me. It’s a lot easier if you stop trying.

      That said, I agree that it’s natural that your cousins are focused on different relationships now, for the benefit of their children and spouses. Do you make a point of regularly hanging out with your parents’ cousins?

      Cherish that you had close relationships growing up and try not to judge them for not being close now. Maybe they’ll have more time for you as their children get older, maybe not. Build new traditions so you can be happy without them. If big holidays are your jam, maybe throw parties and invite friends.

    23. It’s totally OK (and understandable!) to be sad, but if my cousin expressed this sentiment to me, I’d assume this was a passive-aggressive attempt to make ME organize and execute a huge family gathering at Christmas. That’s just the way my family operates.

      1. My mom and the aunts try maybe one holiday every other year to get everyone to come to the same holiday. It never works, but it’d be clear someone else is organizing!

    24. This is normal. As people grow up they become the parents and grandparents everyone gathers with. You just have to accept this. It sounds like it’s your nostalgia but not necessarily theirs.

      1. I also want to add, as a parent, when your kids get older, there is really something more special about Santa visiting your own home and putting presents under your own tree. Most parents move to this as the kids get to the the magical Santa age. When my mom was still alive, we generally went to hers the week after Christmas, but my sister who lived several states away only visited in the summers.

    25. Maybe next year you can host a party between Thanksgiving and Christmas? I have a large extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, their partners and their kids), but we no longer do large Thanksgiving or Christmas gatherings. Attendance to dinner day of the holidays was waning pre-covid and I don’t think we’ll ever get back to that. My parents host a family Christmas party every year on the first or second weekend of December and there were over 60 people there this year! It’s a great way to get together during with good food and festive decorations but without a lot of pressure l!

    26. Hi all – got caught up in meetings this afternoon so just reading many of the responses now.

      I have come to realize there are 2 issues here: I miss large family gatherings and I miss my cousins and am disappointed that they do not prioritize family the way I do.

      I don’t believe there’s any toxicity in our extended family.

      I do recognize that at least one of my cousins is pretty much only focused on his nuclear family, 2-3 are busy and are interested in family but don’t prioritize it, 2-3 do care about family but don’t/can’t come to things and the last cousin is the one who does come on occasion.

      I’m not trying to be BFFs with my cousins or anything, but do wish I saw them more than once every 2 years. I have heard through the grapevine that a few of them like when I reach out, but they never initiate.

      We grew up in a close extended family so as kids we’d all see each other 1-2 times a month. We also all grew up in an extended family where we regularly saw my parents’ cousins, great aunts and uncles, grandparents family friends and the likr so that’s my baseline of family.

      I’d be more than fine if we did a non holiday get together (and I 100% get wanting kids to have Christmas in their own house) but I have the impression no one would care enough to try to attend.

      I apologize for coming off like I don’t like my cousins! That was not the intention.

      1. “I don’t believe there’s any toxicity in our extended family.”

        Why? Because you didn’t see it with your own eyes? Because you’re a big happy family, as proven by the holiday get togethers that used fo happen?

        I have begged my in-laws to have a frank conversation with my in-law niblings about why I no longer participate in family events. (SIL is emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. BIL defends her and sometimes joins in. Their kids don’t know what is going on so they ape the abuse.)
        AFAIK, Niblings are told that they haven’t met my kiddo because we are “too busy.”

    27. OP, I’ve been thinking about your post. I think it comes down to things continuously change, families evolve and you can’t control what people do or don’t do.

      My parents emigrated to the US and we’ve always had small gatherings simply because we don’t have relatives in this country. DH’s immediate family and extended family had large holiday gatherings, and they were always gracious in that they included my immediate family. Well, here we are 30 years married and there have been a lot of changes. MIL died, one of my children died, my dad died last year. DH’s sister is married to a difficult guy who has stated that he’s had enough of our gatherings, so we rarely see her. DH’s brother’s kids are now married and juggling their own in-laws at the holidays. Our gatherings are much smaller but we still try to make them special and have a few laughs. We have some special drinks and foods and we play games. It’s different than it used to be but it’s still a good day and we enjoy it. You’re with your parents and your sibling. A lot of people are estranged from their families, so that’s something to be grateful for. Think of ways to make your Christmas special, even if it’s not the ideal Christmas that you had in mind.

  19. I am so frustrated by my paralegal who keeps coming to work sick. She also misses a lot of work for being sick, but it is usually after she tries to push through 2-3 days at the office sick. She has worked at my office for approximately a year, and I have been sick so many times in the past year. I’m currently pregnant, and I feel like I have been picking up every little bug that my paralegal brings to the office (every single week it is some illness). She’s currently out sick today after coming to work last Friday and yesterday with a bad head cold and fever. And, of course I’m now starting to feel a bit crummy today. Her office is directly across from mine, and I do need to interact with her on a daily basis. Let me know any thoughts or advice that you have.

    1. You can’t control if she comes in or not can you? If you can’t help her work from home, then all you can do is to minimize impact on yourself. Try to do things by phone or with distance when possible, close your door, consider an air filter, wash hands a lot and wear a mask (being pregnant while Covid is circulating out there, no one need even bat an eye).

    3. What is the work sick policy and does she feel comfortable taking sick leave without having to “prove” she’s sick by coming to work sick first? In pre-covid days, I worked at a place where you were heavily judged for taking sick days if no one saw you sick. If that’s been her experience, then perhaps having her direct supervisor reframe what the expectations are in your office, i.e. you stay home when you’re starting to get sick and we’ll believe you, could help.

      It does seem like it’s a lot of sickness for her in one year — is there maybe something else going on with her that she’s not comfortable disclosing?

    4. What do you want her to do? You are upset that she comes to work sick, and upset that she starts home sick.

    5. If you are her supervisor, tell her to stay home when she’s sick. Point out that it is counterproductive to be in the office sick: everyone else gets ill and her recovery is dragged out. As her about the norms in her previous office.

      1. Don’t do this unless you’re also offering generous sick leave or a work from home option.

    6. Does she miss out on pay if she is out sick? Does she have the ability to WFH if she is well enough to do it?

      Examine whether your frustration is with her (i.e., she has paid sick leave or the ability to WFH but refuses to use either), or if it is frustration with a system that really leaves her with no choice (i.e., not allowed to WFH, a pittance of sick leave so she ends up with no pay if she stays home, etc.). If the former, I think you need to be more assertive in sending her home or instructing her to stay home when ill. If the latter, can advocating for your workplace to implement policies that allow people to be human?

    7. If you’re her supervisor send her home! If not, talk to HR about them sending her home.

    8. I got a Levoit air purifier that I run in my office – they have a small size that works great.

  20. Thank you to everyone who recommended Gate 1 travel previously – I just returned from a Christmas markets river cruise and it was a great experience! I haven’t used Viking but based on seeing the other boats and talking with other travelers, I don’t feel we sacrificed any quality and the cost was significantly lower! For those interested, it was a great experience, although at 52/54 my husband and I were definitely the youngest on the cruise. We made a lot of parent age friends!

  21. OP from yesterday who went on the great first date, I’m thinking of you! I know it brought up some scary feelings for you but your post made me smile. I’m rooting for you and the conference speaker beau

    1. I just made the Bon Appetit 2020 recipe Pretzel and Potato Chip Moon Pies and they are fantastic! You can find it online. It’s my new favorite holiday cookie (although it’s not really very holiday-ish. I may also try their Brown Butter and Pistachio Sables, from the same issue (also online). I know my kids will insist on making our chocolate peanut butter balls, which have Rice Krispies in the peanut butter part – something I never see in anyone else’s buckeye recipes, but it gives them a crunch and makes them not quite as heavy.

    3. I made these over the weekend and they are fussy but DELICIOUS — America’s Test Kitchen Millionaire’s Shortbread: https://www.americastestkitchen.com/recipes/9253-millionaires-shortbread?

      This one was a big hit at Thanksgiving. It’s a little off the wall but great for adults — maybe for New Year’s? They are even better the second day. Negroni cookies: https://www.foodandwine.com/negroni-cookies-6826689

      These are my go-to when I want to have a cookie-making experience that is easy and fun, and the results are nicely colorful: https://smittenkitchen.com/2016/05/confetti-cookies/

      If you ever have a bunch of egg whites to get rid of after making custard or whatever, these are divine: https://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/double-vanilla-meringues

      The Doubletree Chocolate Chip recipe is my super fave. I make a big batch, freeze it in cookie-size balls, and then bake a few at a time as the mood strikes: https://stories.hilton.com/food-beverage/static-doubletree-reveals-cookie-recipe

      And finally, my late mom’s Thimble Cookies:
      ½ cup unsalted butter, softened
      ¼ cup sugar
      1 large egg yolk
      ¼ teaspoon almond extract
      Pinch of salt
      1 cup all-purpose flour
      1 large egg white, lightly beaten
      ¼ cup finely chopped walnuts
      Jam (your favorite flavor)

      Preheat oven to 350°.

      In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar. Beat in egg yolk, almond extract, and salt. Blend in flour gradually.

      Pinch off pieces of dough and roll into one-inch balls. (It’s easier if you chill the dough for 30 minutes or until firm.) Dip each ball into beaten egg white to coat, then roll in finely chopped walnuts.

      Arrange balls on ungreased cookie sheets, spacing about one inch apart. Use your thumb to make an indent in the center of each cookie. (The kids love to help with this part!)

      Bake cookies one sheet at a time for 10 to 12 minutes or until pale golden. Remove from oven and gently press the centers again. Cool on racks.

      Neatly fill each hollow with about ¼ teaspoon jam. Store in an airtight container.

      1. I haven’t had thimble cookies since my grandma used to make them! Thank you for jogging that happy memory. Maybe I should whip up a batch this year.

    4. I capped it at 4 recipes this year. I’m making union square cafe’s bar nuts (with extra spice), chocolate caramels (basically riesen candy on steroids), and smitten kitchen’s confetti cookies and brownie roll out cookies for my ‘pretty/shaped’ cookies. I’ve also done cheese straws and chex mix in the past, both of which were big hits. Basically – don’t forget to include a savory option, that’s often the one my friends enjoy the most!

    6. White chocolate cranberry biscotti
      Bon Appetit party snickerdoodles w/cornflakes
      Basic shortbread dipped in dark chocolate
      …one more? I may steal ideas from this thread!

    7. as someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, what exactly makes something a Christmas cookie and why is this a holiday tradition?

      1. It’s something fancier than, like, a chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin cookie, and it’s a tradition because people like to eat carbs in the winter.

        1. +1 to this – I’m not futzing with rolling pins and cookie cutters the rest of the year. Ditto for candy making which is waaay too fussy to do on a random weekend just because. The confetti cookies are also a fun way to have ‘decorated’ cookies without breaking out the piping bags.

      2. Whether a cookie is a ‘Christmas’ cookie is in the eye of the baker and consumer. Many families have cookie recipes they only make at Christmas – usually because they are delicious but kind of a PITA to make and so best as a once-a-year treat. They don’t have to be holiday themed or anything.

      3. christmas cookies are cookies made specifically for chistmas. sometimes it’s a cookie that is only made at chrismas, sometimes they are just decorated differently.
        it’s a tradition for a number of reasons, including the tradition of leaving some out for santa. in a lot of familes it’s tradition to have cookies out to nibble on the day of the family gathering…

    9. My family’s cookie list is the same every year:
      The Nestle Toll House recipe on the back of the chocolate chip bag. My mom’s secret is to add a tablespoon of peanut butter. Make a batch with chocolate chips and a batch with Christmas M&M’s.
      Peanut butter cookies with the Hershey’s Kiss on top.
      Spritz cookies that my mom makes with a 90’s cookie dough extruder to get the fun shapes.
      And every year me and my sister will find a weird recipe that no one likes that much so we don’t ever make it again. Tradition! Haha

      1. Years ago I knew somebody who made the Toll House cookies but substituted peanut butter chips for chocolate chips, and called them Breakup Cookies. She made them every time somebody broke up with a boyfriend/girlfriend.

    10. I do Alton Brown’s chocolate chip cookie recipe (the one with melted, not creamed, butter.) I do the Baker’s One Bowl Brownie recipe on the package of Baker’s chocolate, but I often sub in Ghiradelli or Guittard as all or part of the unsweetened chocolate. I know these aren’t Christmas cookies, but they’re the ones that everyone likes the most so I always make them.

      Then for sugar cookies, it’s all about the decorations. We use the Joy of Cooking basically rolled dough recipe and really invest in sprinkles. I personally prefer baked-on sugar sprinkle and Jimmy type toppings to icing, but we do some icing cookies too.

      I have several decorative shortbread pans so I make a few of those (the pans have a mold on the bottom and the shortbread is cut into 9 squares.)

      My husband comes from German traditions so he likes rock-hard store-bought anise cookies, and nothing we have ever made hits the spot for him. But we do make springerlies some but not all years, and he does like those. They’re kind of a pain in the butt. Also German almond star cookies, which we’ve only made once. A lot of German cookie recipes are like a punishment – stir for 30 minutes by hand with a wooden spoon in one direction only! – so I usually say “if you want them, you make them” and then they don’t get made!

  23. I’m not usually one for wild pants colors, but I’d wear these. I’d probably do a column of color with a matching blouse, which I actually already have, then a contrasting topper.

    Sadly, they don’t come in my size.

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