Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Alectra Peak-Lapel Textured Jacket
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I know Barbie summer was last year, but I still couldn’t resist this cheery tweed jacket from L’Agence. Not everyone can pull off a hot pink blazer, but if you can, this one’s for you. I love the gold buttons and orange trim, because this is no time for subtlety.
I would probably pair this with a white top and navy trousers because I’m a wimp, but if you’re feeling particularly bold, a hot pink sheath would make for a gorgeous monochromatic look.
The blazer is $542.50, marked down from $725, at Bloomingdale’s and comes in sizes 0-14.
Sales of note for 12.5
- Nordstrom – Cyber Monday Deals Extended, up to 60% off thousands of new markdowns — great deals on Natori, Vince, Theory, Boss, Cole Haan, Tory Burch, Rothy's, and Weitzman, as well as gift ideas like Barefoot Dreams and Parachute — Dyson is new to sale, 16-23% off, and 3x points on beauty purchases.
- Ann Taylor – up to 50% off everything
- Banana Republic Factory – up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off
- Design Within Reach – 25% off sitewide (including reader-favorite office chairs Herman Miller Aeron and Sayl!) (sale extended)
- Eloquii – up to 60% off select styles
- J.Crew – 1200 styles from $20
- J.Crew Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off $100+
- Macy's – Extra 30% off the best brands and 15% off beauty
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
- Steelcase – 25% off sitewide, including reader-favorite office chairs Leap and Gesture (sale extended)
- Talbots – 40% off your entire purchase and free shipping $125+
Looking for brand and style recommendations for fall dress shoes in a color that pairs well with navy and grey. I’ve been loyal to Cole Haan for most of my career but their styles and quality keep declining and the last pair I bought in May already has the heel peeling off and isn’t comfortable. Looking to spend $100-300. Are Margaux, M Gemi, those brands comfortable?
In terms of style, I was thinking of grey or navy suede pumps maybe with a slightly pointed toe, but I’m also kind of outdated when it comes to what’s in now so looking for help. I don’t find loafers comfortable and prefer some sort of heel for confidence purposes.
I really wanted to love my M Gemi shoes but they are so, so narrow (and I am typically fine in a B width). Gorgeous shoes but I would not purchase unless you can try them on first. They could not be stretched enough to work for me unfortunately, so I sold them. Had they fit well enough to keep, I would have had a non-slip sole added to keep me from having banana peel moments and to make them wearable on the sidewalk.
Conversely, I have duck feet and their stellato flats worked perfectly for me. I’m not a heel person at all though.
To me a dark maroon goes with Navy, Grey or Black. Marc Fischer is a brand I have had good luck with.
I really love Clarks that don’t look like Clarks – I have the Ellanie Hope in a cognac suede and the Adela Court in black leather. Both are very comfortable and have held up well for in-office wear.
I could walk a mile in my Clarks heels without blinking. They are kind of amazing.
I have a pair of navy suede pumps purchased 5 years ago and still going strong from LK Bennett. The quality is great. They run slightly narrow but they are comfortable and have been a workhorse in my wardrobe.
Also adding that they make the pump in many fun colors, so you don’t need to stick with a boring basic color if you want to add a pop to an outfit. They’re called the LK Bennett Floret pumps.
Snakeskin is my favorite shoe pairing for those colors.
Love this!
Me too! I think it would absolutely overwhelm my rather not vibrant coloring but I do love it.
I love it too. It feels a little like a Career Barbie jacket but at least she’s over thinking math is hard.
I love this too!
Help me with words: what is the difference between crops, ankle-length, and culottes?
I need to hem some pants (I’m short) and I feel that there is some contention that I will pick a length that is too short (has been a problem for me in the past) and also not current. I just want to wear pants with flats.
Culottes are wide and short. Crops and ankle tend to be used interchangeably but I think ankle is more classic and technically longer.
Of the three, I think of culottes as the shortest and flowiest (might look like a midi skirt standing still), then crop (which shows a bit of lower leg), then ankle.
For wide-leg, I really think they either need to be cropped or floor length; ankle looks unintentionally short to my eye and culotte looks too 00s casual.
Just stay away from the zone from the knees to mid calf. That’s the old lady zone.
Ankle length specifically hits at the ankle. Crops could be anywhere between ankle and mid calf. Culottes are wide and probably mid calf, but wide is the defining factor, not a specific length, they could be anywhere from ankle to knee. I personally think all of these things are abominations for anything but the summer. I want my feet and legs covered when it’s cold enough to wear pants!
Are you taking them to a tailor and wearing the shoes you intend to pair them with so they can measure the appropriate length? I think that is more likely to get you great results than telling them you want a “crop” length.
Ankle pants hit at the ankle bone and personally I think they look best if they are a more slim cut leg (i.e., not boot cut, flared, or wide). In my mind, crops are anything shorter than ankle pants and can be any silhouette. Culottes are traditionally a wide leg extreme crop, think midi pants, wide enough to pretend they are a skirt. As a kid, culottes also included above-the-knee very flowy shorts. The label seems to be more vaguely applied these days, though.
+1. Wear the right shoes and physically show the tailor where you want your pants to hit. Telling the tailor cropped or ankle length is like telling your hairstylist to cut off two inches- yes there’s an objective definition but that may not be what you’re picturing.
+2 Wear the shoes you intend to wear with the pants. That way the tailor can also see how the pants fall when you are wearing them and adjust the hem accordingly.
Jolynne Shane’s blog has an entry on what length is best for different styles of pants, for reference.
Are culottes and gaucho pants the same thing?
Eh, it’s like a cava/prosecco/champagne situation in that there are small subtle differences but some people could use the words fairly interchangeably and I would know what they meant.
Culottes generally have wide, cropped legs and are made of a woven fabric. They were very popular in the 60’s and tend to be a name used by my mother and her generation. They generally have flat or elastic waistbands. Gauchos have wide, cropped legs and are made of a knit fabric. They were very popular in the late 00’s (especially with a kitten heel or platform flip flop…) and have a fold over waistband. They tend to be a name millennials will use.
So. Same silhouette, different fabrics, different waistbands, different generational naming.
Gauchos were also popular in the late 70s. To my mind the difference between culottes and gauchos is that gauchos have more fabric. They were originally intended to look like you’re wearing a skirt, but can still ride a horse astride and not side saddle.
I would flip that description; gauchos were hard-wearing working attire named after Argentinian cow hands who wore them. They traditionally more pant-like than a split skirt but were still intended so you could ride astride a horse. They are mid-calf or longer.
Culottes are a more blousy cousin to gauchos and are more likely to be made from flowy knit fabric. They originated from French military attire and were more typically knee-length.
culottes are wide and generally hit below your knee — there’s a variety as to where (and you may find that there’s a sweet spot for you where your leg curves) but they’re well above your ankles for the most part
ankle-length means that it hits at your ankle bone
cropped could mean anywhere
Having one of those days where I want to donate everything I own and start over from scratch. Obviously, this is not reasonable. I did do a closet purge 2 weeks ago, but clearly it wasn’t enough.
I’m up about 10 lbs and everything just feels so schlubby right now. I just got back from a girls weekend with friends who have the closets I wish I had, but cannot afford. I feel like I”ve finally started to level up my skincare, makeup, and wardrobe game but it’s still not what I want it to be.
Stop judging against others. (The feel schlubby sometimes, too!) That’s usually a signal to me that I’m not in a good place to buy (same with feeling like I need something special for an occasion). Majority of the time it’s some sort of insecurity talking rather than true need.
I know the solution to this is to not judge yourself, but that’s easier said than done, right?
I also wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily judging, though it is a bit of envy on my part. Even though I do well ($100k in Philly), I can either not justify or not afford quite a bit of what I want. So seeing friends with the real version of what I want when I’m rocking the not quite right cheaper version is frustrating. Especially when I’m already feeling schlubby and then my pants are fine but not really what I want or something, it just exacerbates it.
Oof. You make $100k, you have a lot! Even if you had what your friends had you’d probably still be wanting more.
I know – 100k is more than I ever thought I’d make in my life, but yet it doesn’t go as far as you’d think. 90% of the time I’m happy with the fact that I get my groceries from Walmart, my clothes from Old Navy, don’t travel and drive a 2004 Honda Civic.
But then I’m like I make 100k, why can’t I occasionally treat myself to the $99 Lululemon scuba half zip and not the Amazon dupe that’s $30? But, I never feel like I can justify that.
Even living a not fancy life, my 100k does not go nearly as far as I’d thought it would! Rents are insane across the board right now, reasonable student loans ($250/mo), and general living expenses eat up way more of my salary than I’d like to admit!
I disagree that $100k is a lot in the current economy, especially in a non-rural location.
I’m going to push back a little on the “I never feel I can justify that.” This is the exact reason that I put myself on a budget — because a budget tells me I CAN, in fact, justify buying the lululemon half zip. I have an amount of money I’ve planned on spending every month for clothing, and if this month I want to spend it on that half zip, I already have permission to do so. It’s not going to hurt anything else to buy the half zip (the shoes can wait til next month), because I have already, via the budget, totally given myself permission to spend that money, and all the other needs are getting their amounts, too. Because I’m frugal (I, too, buy my groceries at Walmart and drive an old Honda), I don’t need the budget to rein me in so much as to ensure that I AM spending, and I’m doing it on what is important to me.
Yes, 12:04 Anon has it down. Budgeting helps you see where you are spending your money and find ways to align it with what really matters to you.
If you find you really want to make wardrobe upgrades and don’t think you can justify it, look at how you are spending your money and see if there are spots you can cut back that don’t matter as much to you.
You can try buying the version you want secondhand. I don’t like cheaply made clothes, but don’t have the budget to buy the quality I prefer new. I lean heavily on more upscale, curated consignment stores.
Yes, I do a LOT of thrifting, especially at the higher end consignment shop near me. I get antsy waiting for new styles to trickledown though. Also, now that I’m up to a size 8 I have noticed that there are virtually no pants in my size second hand…
OP, go on Mercari or Poshmark or eBay for specific items rather than hoping you happen to run into them at a brick and mortar store.
Have you tried setting yourself a clothing budget? Or a budget overall?
Having a $100k salary is not nothing but it is obviously way different if you are the sole income supporting a family of six with three in college as opposed to being a DINK with no debt. However, finding a budget that works within your means and still allows you to update your wardrobe once in a while might help with your wardrobe envy. While you may not be able to buy designer clothes for every occasion, see if you can bake in enough so you can treat yourself to that new pair of on-trend fancy jeans once a year (or whatever item it is that scratches that itch for you).
Good job on the closet purge. I wish I had the fortitude to do that.
Commiseration. I wish I had the budget to do a total refresh for fall. The gap between my taste and my closet feels very frustrating at times.
Has anyone tried the Rent the Runway subscription for this issue. I was looking the other day – they offer a membership, and you get 5 new items per month. Could be nice option for times when weight is in flux, or wanting to experiment with new styles.
While I like the idea of these memberships, I can never justify the cost. My annual clothing budget is $1200 ($100 a month), which is essentially what these programs cost, except you don’t keep anything.
I did it pre-COVID (so YMMV) but got bored with what was available that was work appropriate. I mostly ended up with dresses that were slightly fancy for work.
Buy two pairs of pants that fit great now – whether its jeans or dress pants. You can look put together with a just a basic black tee with them.
I will tell you some mistakes I’ve made in the past in case it helps you.
1) sale shopping. Building a wardrobe for a new size all at once is expensive so it’s tempting to buy everything in your news size from the clearance rack. But then you have a closet full of things that don’t necessarily work together, and you don’t really LOVE any of them.
2) not having a plan. For me, I love certain categories better than others. I can end up with too many, say, sweaters vs a well balanced wardrobe. Know going in that you need something like 3 pairs of pants, one pair of jeans, and one dress. Then choose tops to go with the pants once you have those.
3) not thinking about base colors. This overlaps with sale shopping for me. Why did I buy the olive pants I never wore? Because they were on sale. I would have been better off buying a pair of navy pants at full price that I would wear over and over, because navy goes with everything in my wardrobe, and feels more “me” than a pair of olive pants ever will.
Try to have a plan and be choosy, and enjoy!
^^this. I’ve wasted so much money buying things that were on sale instead of things that were workhorses for my wardrobe.
Do you have somewhere to store the things that almost fit? The things you would love to wear tomorrow? Those are the things that it’s useful to store. But store them out of sight.
Don’t let your everyday closet be full of items that you currently can’t or won’t wear. Pare down so that everything in your closet is something you want to wear, and that fits.
It’s okay to keep the other stuff, just not out with the things to wear. Leave options, not almosts.
When you’ve done this, you see the real holes in your wardrobe. Set a budget. Prioritize.
It’s okay to buy the nicer stuff, if you’re within budget. It’s okay to choose three items instead of one fancy one, of that works better for your budget.
I’ve been looking at cost per wear for my clothes, and allocating most of my budget to the activity I spend most hours on – for me that’s office appropriate items, and elevated casual. I’ve realised that although it’s fun to shop for occasion and holiday clothes, I would rather wear the same dress for five-ten parties and use my budget for nicer, everyday work tops.
When your partner is out of town, do you use the opportunity to throw stuff out that you both agree is trash but would be a slower process if partner was there, or organize a neglected area of the house, or buy a furniture item for the house, or something else? DH is out of town and I feel like there is an opportunity here but I am squandering it.
Sometimes, yes. But then I feel mildly resentful that I had a weekend to do whatever I wanted and I spent it organizing/decluttering/etc., which is not something he would ever even think to do if the situation was reversed.
Yeah, I’m not spending my free weekend on house projects unless its something I really want AND enjoy doing.
This also depends on you and your partner, but I do not enjoy coming home to changes or surprises, and would feel out of sorts coming home to a change like that.
This. I guess people might feel differently about this, but at least in our marriage, these are joint decisions and I would not be happy to come home and find new furniture or stuff discarded. And this is the absolute last thing I would do with time to myself when my spouse is out of town!
I’ve done this many times. It’s the only way it happens and I genuinely don’t mind doing it. But my spouse does other things (higher earner, works longer/harder hours, does the cooking) so we never do bean counting over chores.
Absolutely not. I use that time to eat cheese on the couch, watch TV shows he doesn’t like, go out and drink wine at bars by myself, get my nails done etc. I’m not a magical house fairy who welcomes him back with a refreshed and renewed space!
Love this.
I’d probably go through our fridge, but otherwise I wouldn’t touch his stuff. The most I’ve done is gotten old junk appliances/furniture hauled away that he’d said he would take care of but never did.
Haha, absolutely. My husband and son normally go away in October and I do a big tidy/purge ahead of a yearly reuse festival my town holds. I wouldn’t get rid of anything precious but outgrown toys, clothes, general rubbish, I smuggle them out…
Same! The family doesn’t notice and I am not doing it to be the magical house fairy, but so I can actually enjoy my clean, lightened-up space. It feels amazing.
I know my family enough to realize we will hem and haw over keeping a pile of junk for another 6 months just because no one will make a decision. And even if it gets as far as my spouse’s trunk so he can take care of it, it will sit there until I borrow his car and discover it. Getting it gone frees me from thinking about it so I can enjoy the rest of my alone time eating cheese on the sofa.
Nope. I used to do that when our daughter was small. I think this sort of magic clean-up fairy behavior is for children, and I don’t have that relationship with my husband. He has been out of town for the past week. Last weekend, I spent a happy Saturday morning scouring the thrift store for costume components, and then spent yesterday at our state’s Renaissance Fair with some friends who are truly serious about costuming. We had a great time.
Only item #1 — DH is the type that will want to donate anything, whereas I don’t see the need to inflict old worn-out pants on the Goodwills of the world, so those things disappear while he is gone.
I do not tackle major chores alone nope nope nope.
DH has an annual boys trip and I literally get a dumpster every year for that week. DH is a pack rat and he has yet to notice anything that got donated or tossed. He always remarks how the house is so organized when he gets home.
Same. My husband doesn’t even notice.
I love this. Much better idea than the multiple trips to the dump I usually have to make!
Caveat that I have a young child and have not been alone overnight in my own house since she was born, but there’s no way I would waste a weekend alone on decluttering.
My mom used to use these times to do projects around the house and get us involved. Want to switch bedrooms, paint the bathroom, learn to re-wire small appliances, or declutter? Dad’s not here, so sure! Dad was easygoing, but would procrastinate. He said he looked forward to coming home and seeing what had happened while he was gone. My mom even taught me how to drive when Dad was at a conference. She said he wouldn’t worry about it if he didn’t know ahead of time. He was very involved with us and the house though, cooked, did laundry, shuttled us around, handled minor house repairs, the lawn etc.: But bigger projects weren’t his thing.
Absolutely! My husband was food insecure growing up – as in his parents kept the fridge locked. He overbuys on groceries everyweek. Like, I grew up that OJ was special and when it ran out, that’s it until mom shops again. He will replace immediately. Because of this, I will end up buying an extra condiment because I had no idea there were already three mayos in the pantry. We DO NOT have a large pantry. I don’t resent the time organzing and purging the pantry because I get where he is coming from and throwing out expired food makes him anxious. By the way, he did all the cooking when we raised our son and now still does more than half.
Masturbating is always the answer.
No! That feels so disrespectful to me. It’s like you’re deciding what should be important to your partner, not considering what he feels it’s important to him.
Sometimes it’s a kindness to take the decision off of his plate. You just have to know who you are married to.
Infantilizing your partner is not a kindness.
I mean, that’s a word, yes.
It’s disrespectful to throw away expired food?
I think I am going to swap out my regular old front door bell for one with a camera. Questions for those of you who have done this – which one did you pick (have only heard of Ring) and can an averagely-talented homeowner do this myself? I am scheduling an electrician to do some other things and could add this to the list if it’s beyond basic competence with a screwdriver.
We have been pretty happy with our Google Nest doorbell. We have a Nest thermostat so we can monitor both with one app.
Oh and can’t give advice regarding installation. It was probably possible to install it ourselves, but we had an electrician do it.
We did Google Nest and DH installed himself but he is handy. You do need to hook it up to the electric supply or you need to run off batteries which is unsustainable. We had a problem with our electricity and so we did have to call in an electrician to fix that and it cost $200. I don’t know how much they would have charged to install it. It seemed like a simple job though.
I like our Eufy. One-time hardware purchase – no subscription required.
As far as electrical, if you can replace a lightswitch or outlet, you can DIY this.
We also got Eufy with local storage and no subscription. I don’t trust Google or Amazon with my doorbell camera.
It might depend if you want it wired in or will run it off battery. I do the latter with my Ring and had my dad install it, it was slightly more complicated than a screwdriver (he drilled the screw holes because it is pretty heavy) but it didn’t take long. If you want to run it off your electrics I think that’s a job for a professional. Mine is about two years old and lasts a couple of months between recharges, it does start warning me at about 20% which gives me a couple of weeks to remember to actually take it off the door and plug it in, it takes a few hours to recharge so I usually do it on a weekend day when I’m not expecting visitors or parcels.
We have Nest. We bought the Nest before they were bought out by google, but we have since bought several other Nest security cameras and they’re all perfectly fine. My husband, who I would describe as averagely talented homeowner, installed it, so yes, I think it’s doable. When in doubt, I’m sure there’s a YouTube video of someone doing it.
Installing a battery powered Ring only requires basic competence with a screwdriver. But if you’re scheduling an electrician anyway, it would probably be nice to get something wired.
You can do it yourself, and I did, BUT if you are having an electrician come for other stuff anyway, might as well have them do it.
Consider whether you will need a plastic cover if your existing doorbell created a hole that is too big to cover with your new camera — we had to get one we installed ours and this is something the electrician will probably not have on hand. You can get cheap ones that correspond with your new doorbell on Amazon
We have a Nest system – doorbell and outdoor cameras. DH did it himself.
Add it on, they’re tricky to position right.
We did. We have a Ring brand doorbell. It was not hard at all to install. The instructions were very straightforward.
I am the universe’s least handy human being and had no difficulty with the wiring in installing a Ring doorbell. I already had a doorbell that was hard wired in and the directions were very clear.
We have a Ring and installed it ourselves. Like others have said, it is fairly easy to do – turn off breaker, unscrew existing doorbell, install mount, wire new doorbell, put it all together. One note, if you have brick, do yourself a favor and buy a hammer drill – it will be so much faster since it is unlikely that you can use the holes from the previous doorbell.
How new is too new at a job to apply for a promotion?
Background: my boss just got promoted to another department. We’re a team of technical specialists, but all have different expertises (we review projects for our specific areas – contracting, engineering / design, legal, etc) so I know my specific area well but have a cursory understanding of the other areas. No one else on my team is interested in applying for the promotion. Part of me wants to go for it, and part of me thinks I’m still too new.
I’ve been at the job for 9 months, but by the time the job is posted / ready for hire I’ll be around the year mark. I feel like I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve been getting great reviews, but also the job is pretty complex so there’s still a lot to learn. I have led projects and thus overseen staff before, but have not been a FT supervisor. I really like my job and my workplace – the entire chain of command is great, work is challenging but manageable, good pay / benefits / work life balance; all in all I plan on staying at this employer for decades.
Promotion ability is pretty limited – most moves I would make would likely be lateral, so I don’t know when the next opportunity to promote would be. People do move around quite a bit internally, so I don’t think applying for a promotion within one year of hire would raise eyebrows.
Go for it.
I would look bigger picture. What will the job entail and how well of a fit is your total background? How well are you respected by the team? What can you bring?
I’d apply. Try to talk with your boss about what skills they’ll be looking for so you can position yourself well. Understand that you might not get it this time, but it signals interest and shows ambition that can pay off in other ways.
Yes – I was hoping to show interest and that I plan on being here for a while / leveling up at some point even if I don’t get the position.
Do it.
Thanks all, I will go for it!
Can you talk to your boss about this and see what they say? In my company this would be very department-dependent but if the boss who just got promoted thinks you are ready, that would be a huge point in your favor (and if they don’t believe you are ready for the promotion, you would be seen as out of touch to apply against their recommendation).
I would apply. Even if this position doesn’t work out, it tells the managers that you’re seriously interested in management.
What height of artificial tree would you recommend for an 8 foot ceiling? Is 7.5 feet too high? Am re-doing my bedroom and stuck on this silly issue. I do want to draw the eye up in this corner and so looking at varieties that have most of the leaves up top without a lot of branches or leaves below that. The choices are endless – if you have a brand recommendation (besides a height recommendation) please include.
Just a note about the endless choices – trees on craigslist are usually extremely cheap compared to new, and you don’t have to navigate a gazillion options.
Get a 6-foot tree. It will be tall enough, and you will have flexibility on a tree stand and on a top-of-the tree ornament, like a big, huge star or something like that. Plus it will be cheaper. Enjoy!
i think our christmas tree is 10′ tall and it is TOO tall because we need to get a major ladder out to do it. so consider that — if you want to decorate the top of the tree how high of a stepstool will you need, does that live near the tree or not, etc
I am worried that my brain is aging at a faster pace than the rest of my body. My memory and ability for recall are poor compared to other 39-year olds. I have always been a slow talker, but when hearing recordings of myself recently I am surprised at how slow I talk, at like 0.5x speed. It’s because I am thinking and searching for the next word while I am speaking. No one close to me has commented on any sort of change, though when I was younger people would remark at how quickly I could come up with a funny quip. Today, I would have performed only slightly better than Biden in that debate with Trump a couple months ago. I feel like there is plaque in my brain, or maybe a tumor or something. I have had chronic stress from a bad marriage and terrible job plus the mental load and lack of sleep that comes with motherhood. I am taking Wellbutrin but I don’t think that is causing the mental cloudiness. I want a brain scan to see what is going on and if I can reverse it, but I don’t know if my dr or insurance will agree that’s necessary. What can I do to prevent and reverse mental decline?
First, schedule a check up with a neurologist. THey can give you better baseline information than any of us can. After that I’d focus on sleep, nutrition, and add in some supplements. Unfortunately perimenopause is know to cause brain fog and you’re in the right age group for that. Hormones may help but start with the neurologist.
In terms of specific supplements, I find ‘One Elevated Store Methyl Folate’ helpful, I take one pill daily.
I would speak with both a neurologist and your therapist (if you don’t have one you should)
Agree on seeing a doctor, but re: Biden, I think a lot of what shocked people was the dramatic change from his debating in 2020. Some people are bad debaters and that doesn’t make them cognitively impaired. So I wouldn’t overthink how well you would do in a debate.
How long have you been taking Wellbutrin?
I’ve been on Wellbutrin for 6 months
Wellbutrin gave me crazy brain fog.
I think the work up for this does not begin with a brain scan (though for me it eventually did include one). There are cognition tests they can do. Think about any other symptoms you may be having. Have you seen a doctor to help with your sleep? They may do some labs to check for deficiencies (we use more nutrients when we’re stressed, and trouble with word finding is classic for some of them; it’s also possible to develop deficiencies from simmering autoimmune issues). I agree that this doesn’t sound like a typical Wellbutrin side effect.
You’ll have to start with your PCP to get a referral to a neurologist. There are lots of different types of screening or diagnostics, there’s not just one kind of ‘brain scan’ that will answer this for you, so I wouldn’t worry about insurance authorization just yet – start with telling your doctor what you said above and see what they recommend.
If you have a spouse or someone else who talks to you daily over a long period of time, I would ask them if they have noticed this, and either to come to the appointment; or write up a brief description for the doctor – you want to give them info about what’s a change /for you/ if possible.
I would start with your primary care doctor and ask to have a blood test done. There are some things that can cause brain fog. For me, when my thyroid medication is off, I get brain fog and it feels like my brain is moving through molasses.
Thanks. I also have hypothyroidism and have been putting off my annual blood test, but this is a reminder to get that done.
If your hypothyroidism is autoimmune (most hypothyroidism is), it may be worth asking whether you also have parietal cell antibodies.
+1. I was foggy and found out my Vitamin D levels were low. Don’t panic, start with your GP and go from there.
Hypothyroidism and brain fog are absolutely a thing. Vitamin B-12 and D3 seem to help with that–as well as the meds–for me.
I had horrible brain fog on Wellbutrin, FWIW. My doc said it wasn’t a common side effect but I just felt so cloudy, all of the time. It’s also possible that you are hitting the perimenopause brain fog, which is brutal. Or if you had covid, there are some brain symptoms that people have reported months after covid bout.
This is where you trust your instincts, though, and go to a neurologist to get checked out.
Thanks for sharing this; it can be hard to learn about what kind of outlier experiences are possible vs. what’s typical and expected!
I would get a neuropsychology battery before getting a brain scan. Sadly, I have a friend who had early onset Alzeimers discovered through such testing. Brain scans don’t really demonstrate the impairment in the same way.
The depression or anxiety that are being treated with the Wellbutrin, combined with everything else you’ve described, can certainly cause brain fog, which is what this sounds like. It’s usually temporary to the extent you can get your stress/anxiety/depression under control.
I think it can be hard to sort out when depression/anxiety are primary conditions and when they are symptoms of other medical conditions. It matters since the treatment may be different.
You are right around the age where many of us notice we aren’t as quick as we were in our 20s. You add stress to that, lack of sleep, mood changes, new meds…. of course you are not as sharp. You have hypothyroidism? You have just mentioned the most common causes of your symptoms for a person in your age group: insufficient sleep, stress, depression/anxiety, medication side effects, thyroid dysfunction
Fortunately, you don’t need a brain scan. Your complaints would not make a neurologist concerned with a new progressive dementia, and your insurance would not pay for it. But you have a lot of stuff going on that can absolutely cause you to be thinking more slowly.
What to do?
See your doctor, and make sure your thyroid med dose is correct. Also talk about how you are feeling and have a basic physical. Check your B12 if you are vegetarian or vegan or have poor nutrition. Check to see if you are anemic.
Get more sleep. I know, easier said then done. But this is the main issue.
See your therapist/psychiatrist and talk about your medication, in case side effects are making things worse. Aggressively treat depression, as this contributes to dementia risk.
Talk with your therapist about how to work on your marriage – if you want to?
Exercise. Walking is exercise. It’s good for your mental health.
Minimize alcohol.
Wellbutrin caused this for me.
Before you start seeing doctors and looking for a diagnosis, consider whether you want to purchase long term care insurance.
If you do have early cognitive impairment or dementia, you will not qualify for long term care insurance.
Any recommendations for very fluffy towels that keep their plushness and softness through multiple washings? I’m mostly using the thin turkish peshtemals, which are soft, but not that warm.
Lands End stay fluffy 4+ years so far
Top of the line Restoration Hardware towels were so fluffy that the shed clogged my dryer and I had to have a service call to fully clean it out. With that said, they have stayed fluffy for seven years and only now have started to show their age.
Cutting waaaay back on the amount of laundry detergent you use and skip the fabric softener and dryer sheets will make even cheap towels stay fluffy (and thirsty) longer.
I use one pod, should I use liquid and a smaller equivalent amount of detergent to keep towels fluffy?
Probably a good idea to avoid pods for this application. I use liquid detergent and for a full load of towels I use about 1 Tbsp. Basically about 1/8″ deep inside the cap. Using too much causes build up on the fabric.
This. Dryer sheets are awful for towels. I also don’t do super high heat.
Dryer sheets are awful for everything!
I use RTR for this. I have the plan where you can swap 2x a month. I have been using it for 4 years. I’ve bought maybe 3 articles of clothing a year since I started using it – typically a pair of pants and a basic top and maybe a pair of shoes. The pants I usually buy off RTR when I have a coupon code so I know they fit. I spend less on clothing than I did previously.
Love the idea of RTR for fluffy towels!
Excellent nesting fail! Brought a smile to my Monday.
Ralph Lauren ones from the RL website (the “Ralph Lauren Home” sub brand, not “Lauren Home” or “Polo”)
Costco–yes, really!
Frontgate Resort line
I’m a Black woman who thought the “breaking” at the Olympics was absurd and everyone Black on my social media and IRL was ragging on it, so I was shocked to see people say that disliking dance at the Olympics was racist against Black people when I caught up on Friday’s posts. I am just so caught off guard by the discourse sometimes!
Yeah that was a wild jump. I can dislike parts of a culture or an art form (or food, music, et cetera) that come from one race, ethnicity, or culture without being racist against that culture. I can also think something is interesting without thinking it needs to be an Olympic event or considered a sport (and there are many Olympic events that I don’t think should be in the Olympics – not just breaking).
While I don’t think there is anything racist about not enjoying breaking, I also thought it was interesting that so many people thought it was a dogwhistle. Sure, breaking’s origins are from within the Black community, but the competitors were racially diverse. On the other hand, I love watching many sports in the Olympics, such as track and field or basketball, where many more competitors are Black than breaking. To me I’d think someone saying that they love watching field hockey and sailing but hate track would be much more of a dog whistle.
Yeah, the person was also saying that not liking rap is a racist dogwhistle. I love love love the blues and jazz and had many records and CD of black artists. I enjoy motown. I enjoy rap and hip hop. But I really do not like any of the modern R&B music for the past 15 years or so. I think it is monotonous and unimagintative.
non-Black POC here and I thought that was an odd thread, too. My Black friends are like, we shoulda gate-kept this! This doesnt belong in the Olympics because it’s by/for Black people and yall messing it up! LOL.
I also don’t think that breaking is like a universal Black experience – it originated from the Black community in the Bronx, so yes its origins are Black, but it’s not that’s not a subculture or dance that ties together all Black Americans or something. It’s a very specific subculture.
Oh for sure– not a monolithic experience. I’m in NY.
It was a very Corpor***e thread.
Agreed
100%
TBH, I heard that the breaking was embarrassing. I didn’t watch it myself but a friend made it sound like some of the dancers weren’t very skilled or didn’t belong there (something about an Australian)? I’ve seen some incredible breakdancing before and I know how much skill it takes and I have no strong feelings about it being in the Olympics, but if it’s true that the skill levels were very mismatched between competitors, I could see it being an awkward watch.
I watched the women’s semifinals and finals (which might mitigate that difference in skill level) and found it really interesting, impressive, and fun to watch – there was one competitor that iirc was scored zero or maybe won just one vote (not the Australian) but they didn’t look super mismatched to me (and since the scoring is “between the two”, you could have a close match where the score ends up very lopsided)
But it also seemed like closer to dance or an art performance than a sport – eg. a lot of the commentary was about the importance of expressing yourself, telling a story, the interplay between the watchers (both the audience and the other competitor), which seem more characteristic of an art form – say more like artistic swimming than gymnastics. I’m glad they tried it, but agree that it’s not currently acting as a sport enough to be permanently in the Olympics. I’d watch a breaking competition again though!
I thought it was mainly the original post that did NOT say ‘dancing is subjective, aesthetic and therefore shouldn’t be part of this event that ranks best performance’. The original post only said ‘It just felt SO out of place for some reason. I really thought my curiosity would draw me in but….. just, ehhhhhhhhh’ so it opened a lot of room for interpretation.
I think a lot of posters felt reminded of other vague gatekeeping like ‘he just wasn’t the right fit for this role’ or ‘she doesn’t seem presidential’ or ‘they just don’t fit into this neighborhood’.
just to add, that was meant to say that I see how it could have been interpreted that way. I agree that posters here are more likely than average to flag those kinds of things and conclude bad intent. What is it about the internet that we lose the ability to give each other the benefit of the doubt?
I don’t think the internet is the issue; this would sound gatekeepy in person too. Especially at the office, where I honestly regret giving benefit of the doubt as much I have!
This. It was the way the discussion was introduced. Although, frankly, I think there is something kind of awful about people who don’t know anything about a sport deciding whether it should exist in the Olympics or even exist as a sport.
+100000
I really appreciate you posting. I’m the OP from Friday and I honestly thought about that thread more than once this weekend along the lines of, “was it me?” as I don’t take some of the accusations toward me lightly. That said, I’ve been around here for 15 years (at least) and know that was a “very corpor e t te thread,” as someone else indicated.
Anyway, let us all move along, but not before checking out the Australian “breaker”. I haven’t had a chance to read up on her back story fully yet but I’ve seen some interesting headlines.
I didn’t comment on Fridays thread but I’ll say this, the Australian breaker made me audibly laugh…. multiple times. An Olympic performance really shouldn’t do that.
I am glad you said something because I slept on it and did not feel good about the reaction on this board. I was not one of the responders last week, but I did sort of have an initial knee jerk reaction to your comment that was not dissimilar from views expressed on the board. After watching some of the completion and thinking about it more, I see I was wrong. And I agree with you. I don’t think it should be in the Olympics. I thought the Australian professor was cringe.
Yes, the Australian breaker was cringe to the point where you wonder if it was a bit. But, no, apparently she was a sincere performer, whose moves, she said, just didn’t “speak to” these particular judges. Her “steps” were quite “free dancy,” and not very acrobatic. I think she simply lacks these skills. Plus, her outfit looked like she was a school gym teacher. Is that how Australians believe breakers look? It’s not like the Internet doesn’t reach Australia!
Anyone have a car in NJ that was totaled because it’s an older car with cosmetic damage that would cost more than the car is worth to fix? It’s a drivable station car to me, but I couldn’t drive it unless I get a “rebuilt” title. I don’t want a new car or payment and I’m not sure how much of a challenge throw would be on the paperwork front and dealing with inspections. I just want a check and my same title and deal with any cosmetic fixes (or not bother). It’s from a lower speed sideswiping, so I’m not concerned for safety and I don’t drive it on highways, just to the park and ride lot. I just feel really stuck and like I’m getting screwed one way or the other.
That tends to happen with older cars. Are you certain there isn’t damage to the frame? Would your insurance company still cover it?
If you are driving that little, the solution is usually to ask your friends and family if they know of anyone getting rid of an old but reliable vehicle.
I don’t know how NJ works. In my state, I have had three cars declared a total loss by insurance due to damage that would cost more to fix than the car’s market value. Each of these three cars were still fully functional and perfectly safe, just cosmetically ugly (dented doors, torn off side mirrors, without related unibody damage on older vehicles that were otherwise serviceable). Each time I took the insurance payout (minus the buy-back fee), used some of that to fix the car up enough to make it functional, pocketed the rest, and continued driving it for several more years. In two instances the insurance company did not bother collecting my title at all. The titles remained clean and the insurance company continued to provide full coverage (liability, comprehensive, and collision). The third instance, I received a salvage title and the insurance company only provided liability coverage.
A minor rant – I work until 6, which isn’t crazy late. A few of my friends always want to meet up after work at 430 or 5. I can occasionally swing a 530 meetup by a) getting permission from my boss and b) going in early to offset the 30 mins, but I have to know a few days in advance in order to do that. My friends all act like I work super late when I say I can’t meet up til 530 or 6. Then they’re always pressuring me to get out early when we meet up, rather than ever accommodating my schedule.
At my old job I worked 9-5, but even then I couldn’t reliably meet until 515 or 530. I used to work with a few of these friends, and 530 meetups worked well. I’m not really sure what’s changed and why there’s such pressure to meet up so early now.
Do they WFH? I’d just ignore their pressure – there’s nothing you can do when you’ve told them your company has a strict policy and you can’t leave.
if you have told them you can’t make it and they still plan for a time that doesn’t work for you then these aren’t really your friends.
“I’m sorry. I won’t be able to join you because I work until 6.”
“I won’t be able to make it. As I have said before, I don’t get off from work until 6.”
Another idea: you organize the next outing and set it at a time that works for you. I am guessing your friends finish work earlier and want to go directly to happy hour and then get home earlier. Your request is not unreasonable but neither is theirs, but you cannot mess up your job to accommodate their preferences.
+1 to the last few sentences. If your friends finish working at 4 or 430, I can see why they wouldn’t want to wait around until after 6 to meet for happy hour. Your schedules just might be incompatible for weeknight meet ups. Maybe shoot for a weekend instead?
Are your friends teachers? If they have standard 9-5 jobs, that’s bizarre. My initial gut reaction is to get new friends! My friends and I all work similar hours and meet up anywhere between 6 and 8pm. Part of being a good friend is accommodating and respecting their schedule. We work around each other’s schedules because we want to see each other.
This. Meet at 5 is teleporting unless you knock off very early. I want that job. I can get to places maybe by 6 but regularly by 7.
Yeah – I’m confused by their ability to meet right at 5, especially since we all work in different neighborhoods!
No – we all work 9-5s! We all used to live downtown but a few of them have relocated to the edges of the city and one has moved to the country – so I guess they don’t want to just kill time after work before meeting up? I’m not sure.
With other friends we usually do the you guys head over after work and I’ll join you when I finish work… but those are usually friends who work til 5 and meet up around 530, so I’m not missing too much. But, if they want to meet up at 430 they’ll be done with happy hour before I even get to join them.
I recognize that we’ve both made choices (job hours and living location) that impact our ability to easily meet up, but I don’t want to always have to be the one who compromises. They each went from having a 15 minute commute to a 45-60+ min commute, so I understand that they don’t want to be out late but that shouldn’t always trump my schedule. My job is more demanding at work (longer hours), but when I’m off I’m off. They all are expected to be responding to emails and calls after hours and somewhat frequently have to cancel a meet up because they have to work on something, whereas I am always done right at 6.
I’m just surprised that they act like a) I can just easily change my hours to accommodate them and b) working til 6 is unusual and very, very late. It’s not like I’m working til 8PM or something! 6 might be on the later end of things, but it’s definitely not “late”.
It sounds like you just have different schedules! FWIW, I can’t leave /every/ day at 4pm, but I can (and do) leave that early (without anyone’s permission) at my own discretion, occasionally. I also work late (have done a couple midnight nights; weekend work; doing 6am or 7am calls with teams in other time zones). So my schedule is probably more like your friends; more “8-5 with flexibility” than a strict “I get off work at X o’ clock”.
Yeah – they definitely all work more than I do as they’re expected to answer phone calls / emails after-hours and have an on call rotation while I don’t. It’s fine with me that we have different schedules, I just get annoyed that no one ever seems to take mine into consideration!
In this group 3 different people have “on call” requirements, and we never meet up when they’re on call. That’s totally fine, but if we’re automatically writing off 2-3 weeks a month that we can’t hang out, I’d appreciate a little flexibility on the days that we can meet up.
Honestly, if they have to commute for 45-60 minutes, I can understand why they want to meet earlier, especially if they don’t have anything to do to kill time between the end of work and the proposed meeting time. That is a long trek home! Like the previous poster said, it sounds like you guys just have different schedules, which is okay. Can you meet for lunch or coffee during the work day instead? Weekend brunch or dinner?
Unfortunately can’t do a work day meet up (we all have pretty meeting heavy days so its hard to slip out, and we’re just far enough apart that it’s not really feasible). Weekends are similarly out – one is very religious and her entire Sunday is spent at church, another goes to her parents house (about 1.5 hours away) almost every weekend. I also don’t have a car, so am stuck to the areas served by public transit, which means the closest I can get to the friend in the country is still a 30 min drive away. She doesn’t want to commute into the city for a 6th day of the week. FWIW, we are in an area where its very doable to not have a car – friend in the country didn’t have a car until she moved out there and her BF (who she lives with) is 100% WFH so he still hasn’t gotten a car yet.
I understand that we all need to be flexible in order to meet up, and we are good friends and no one wants to let the friendship die over logistics. I feel like I have the “easiest” schedule and am working around everyone else’s. I’m not the one who moved far away, I am free on weekends, I don’t have to be on call for work and thus can meet up any week of the month. I just can’t meet til 6.
Does it have to be all of you every time, or does it make sense for you to hang 1:1 with the folks whose schedule most matches your own?
If they’re not willing to meet later then these are weekend friends. Maybe they finish work earlier than most but people know what they know (my parents still ask why I don’t go to the bank “over my lunch hour”). I also work past 5:00 most days and hate the stress of finishing my tasks before a specific time, so I simply don’t schedule plans before 7:00 on weeknights. It’s not worth rearranging my calendar and worrying that something might come up last minute
I have a post in mod, but unfortunately due to religious and cultural reasons weekend’s aren’t that feasible either.
I mean, you don’t like our responses, but there are only so many options right? You can’t do it all, and you can’t force a whole group of people to wait an extra hour for you if they don’t want to. You either meet them late, or on another day or you just don’t go out with everyone. You meet with smaller groups of friends or single friends when times work for you.
This is growing up.
Or I guess you can change your job. How about that?
+1.
I am fine with meeting them late – I do it all the time. I’m just frustrated that they automatically assume I can change my schedule to meet theirs. I don’t assume that they’ll change their schedule for me, so I don’t know why they assume that I will.
I’m available way more than they are, just not before 6. They’re the ones with weekend conflicts and on call and what not.
I work a 9-5 (8 to 5, really) and that’s very different than 6! Obviously you can use your words to say no, but I don’t think it’s odd that they’re done working before you.
I don’t think its weird that they’re done before me, I think it’s weird that they act like working unit 6 is some crazy schedule and that they constantly ask to meet up at 430!
Also, FWIW, I used to work 8-430 at an old job. I recognized that most people couldn’t meet up until 515 or 530. So, I would either go home to drop off my work stuff or kill some time walking around the city, popping into stores, running errands, or sitting in the park.
Okay but your friends don’t want to do that, and based on their commute or outside responsibilities it might be unreasonable. Tell your friends that your job has strict working hours and you can’t request a formal schedule change so frequently. You understand that means you can’t join every get together, but would like to schedule a later dinner every X months so that you can see each other.
I am with you. I have a lot of friends who are professors and they are constantly inviting me to do things on *weekdays* at like 11am. I finally had to ask them to just stop inviting me because I was taking it as a slight (they KNOW I am at work) but they truly did not mean it that way– they genuinely hoped I could make it (and have no idea what it means not to be almost entirely in charge of your own schedule). I plan things for the evenings or weekends, which is not their ideal time because it means they have to find childcare. We make it work when we can but it means I know they get together without me fairly frequently and I am not as close to that group of friends for this reason. That is not a personal slight against me its just a difference of how our lives are set up.
Right! My best friend is a teacher – she doesn’t ask me to hang out during the day on a weekday in the summer and I don’t ask her to take a long weekend during the school year.
I don’t mind that my friends and I have different schedules, that’s to be expected, I just mind the assumption that I can change mine at will?
For me it helped to reframe it from my (incorrect in my case) assumption that they expect me to change my schedule for them and instead that they want to include me on the off chance I can come because they love to spend time with me and the invitation is genuine even if a long shot.
Many bars have happy hours from 4-6 pm, so I can see why your friends want to meet then. When you are off from work at 6 pm shoot them a text to see if they are still at the bar, and if so then meet them there. If not then make plans with them over the weekend. This is common for weeknight meetups and not something to take personally.
I do this frequently with more casual meetups (usually with other friends) – they’ll meet up and then I’ll join them when I’m off work. For whatever reason, this group’s get togethers are more “formal”, so the casual “I’ll swing by when I can” doesn’t really fit in. They like to go to nicer places that won’t seat you until your entire party is there, for example. We don’t often to go places with happy hours, but I’m well versed in happy hour timing in the area, and there are plenty that are from 5-7.
Unfortunately, weekends are even harder to make work than weekdays – one lives in the city on weekdays but goes home to her parents’ every weekend, another is quite religious and her entire Sunday and maybe 1 Saturday a month are blocked off for church, and a third has a vacation condo and she and her husband spend all of their weekends there.
if you all work in the city but leave to go home at varying hours, it’s time to switch from happy hour get-togethers to power lunches!
This seems like the answer. Or a morning coffee date. Especially if weekends are also out.
Idk about OP, but I would literally need to put in for an hour of leave to do this. It’s just so not the culture to actually take a break long enough to meet up with someone in any of the 5 places I’ve worked over the last 15 years.
Yeah. Lunches are super tough unless you all work near each other and are OK about a really short visit. I also think some of this is career progression stuff. I used to clock out at 5 earlier in my career. Most days I’m much later now. But I also have more discretion on clocking out early. So, for me, it would mean fewer meetups before 6 but the occasional planned one. These days, I’m much more likely to meet up with friends for a post-dinner dessert (when their kid duties die down) or highly planned out brunch instead of after-work drinks. I think that’s just the nature of folks not all working in the city, taking on higher levels of responsibility as we’re getting older, accepting those with kiddos have a hard schedule, and work environments have changed.
I’ve never worked in a place where people take any break for lunch (everyone eats at their desk – either they run out to pick something up or they brown bag it, but its always a working lunch at the desk), let alone long enough meet up with someone!
Find new friends.
I mean I have plenty of other friends who I frankly do see more often because our schedules are more aligned and we live nearby. But, I’m also not going to drop friends I’ve had for years because of scheduling issues.
This is part of growing up! You don’t have to drop them as though you had a fight and never speak to them again. Their practices simply don’t align with your availability; you can get annoyed and befuddled over it or you can recognize and accept that. For you, it might mean just responding like a broken record that you can’t meet until 6. But if you find yourself growing so irritated with the request to meet earlier that you resent them it might be time to release them to their own schedules and reconnect at another stage in life.
It is often not the norm to go out to lunch on a regular basis, but you couldn’t even do it once a month?
I could – but I would need to take leave for it. We only get 30 mins for lunch.
But, I have previously worked with these friends and know that their workplaces are also not “go out to lunch” friendly.
I used to go for happy hour about every other week with some work friends at a place near my office. We all arrived at different times, and it was fine. It often meant we were standing if we arrived at peak happy hour rather than early happy hour, but the place thinned out as prices went back up and it got later. I think you’re fine and your friends needs to understand compromise as a condition of getting together with you.
The one thing that annoyed me about the regular happy hours were the friend who insisted they would be there but never showed up – especially when that left me sitting alone at the bar for an hour plus waiting for them. Even worse was the “order me a lemon drop from the half price menu before happy hour is over, I will be there soon” so I was then the woman sitting alone at the bar with two cocktails in front of me haha. But both of these people are still my friends – you take the good with the bad, which is what I mean by compromise.
Yes, with other friends we frequently do the “get to happy hour when you can” plan and its been fine – you just have to be at a bar that’s okay with standing room / seat yourself / sitting a partial party.
I don’t know what your job entails but can you occasionally start early and then leave work early? Do you have any flexibility with your time or are you locked into certain hours because you’re in a support function? What do you do if you have a doctors appointment late in the day? I leave at 4 once or twice a month for an
“appointment”. I don’t get into the details, just that I need to leave, and I’ll check back on line as soon as I’m free.
Occasionally I come in late due to early am appointments. I also work at night and on the weekends as needed. I feel like this gives me the flexibility to duck out early when I need to.
I didn’t post on Friday, but I read it later and feel like that post felt a little off, not because there’s anything wrong with disliking a sport (most people dislike a lot of sports!), but when you decide to randomly call out one sport in the specific way she did (“I just could not watch it… it just felt so out of place for some reason”), I can see why it gave off racist vibes. If she’d just made fun of it for looking silly or being too subjective or whatever else it wouldn’t have come off the same way. Not to whitesplain racism to you, I’ve just heard a lot of those same comments about both Black people and women so that vibe felt familiar to me.
Oops, misthread, that was for No Face above
Eye roll
You can roll your eyes, but when you’ve seen woman after woman not get a job because there’s just “some reason” she doesn’t feel right and so we better hire the white man with less experience or vote for Donald Trump instead, that language feels a little off. I don’t really care about breaking and thought it felt like more art than sport, but I’m willing to be open minded and if the athletes think of it as a sport, I can go with it. It’s only when we see frequently see a broader range of athletes or presidents or scientists or CEOs that we start to really understand that those people don’t just have to be white men who look and act a certain way.
Yep. This. It was the non specific “for some reason” kind of language that made it feel like a dog whistle.
Q on closet cleanout – work clothes etc. – I have a lot of work clothes from before the pandemic that I have been holding onto. Sheath dresses, suits, blazers, etc. I have worn them very seldom since the pandemic (I am now only going into the office 2x/month) and have been reaching for the things that I bought more recently instead. However, my teen DD has semi-regularly been going into my closet when she needs something for an orchestra concert or her HS “business” club, or (my favorite) when she borrowed my pink blazer to go to see Barbie last year. And then when she graduates, my younger DD will be in HS and may want to borrow some of those things. Should I hang on to them for these occasions? Or do a more judicious pruning? They are in the container store hanging closets so are protected from dust etc. and I have enough space to continue keeping them.
if you have space, like them, they fit and are in good condition, hold on to them. as my mom would say “they aren’t charging rent.”
This is the kind of thing I’d probably move to a guest room closet if you have one, but since they have a possible use in the near future, I’d keep them for now either way.
I would keep them but put them in the attic or other storage.
I’ve only been in the work force for 10 years, but have needed so many different types of work clothing for different jobs I’d be loath to get rid of any of them. I’m now at my first ever casual side of business casual job and so have tons of blazers, heels, dresses, etc. that I don’t need. But, I am keeping them in case my next job requires me to be dressier.
As for RTO, pretty much all of my friend’s jobs have recently increased their RTO requirements, with a few of them being 5 days a week in the office again – I’d want to keep my work clothing in anticipation of having to go back in more often too.
Thanks! I am a boss (equity partner) so my RTO will be what I say it is and no more ;) but I’ll continue to hang onto them for now. :)
I’d get rid of them. I can’t stand having stuff around that isn’t being worn regularly. I have three daughters, and I don’t think they’re going to want any of it (even the one who just took the bar exam and has a job starting in October). They might not be charging rent, but they feel like clutter to me and that stresses me out. I have almost nothing from before the pandemic. I feel like style has just changed so much.
Not really though…. Well made staples that fit you well will come back into fashion again. Don’t you know that we’ve run out of new ideas, and all the fashion world does now is rotate in/out looks from the past?
If I had a house with an attic, of course I would save everything.
+ 1 Also consider that clothes go out of style year to year. My pre-pandemic pants are low rise and look odd to me now. You don’t need that many clothes. Why keep a whole pile that will look off if you do wear them someday.
I’d start with a more judicious pruning and then continue to cull. It doesn’t sound like you will need them for work and your daughters are almost grown at this point.
Looking for restaurant recs in Cincinnati, as I’ll be there this week for the Cincinnati Open! We have a dinner and a breakfast we need to find a good place for, since the tournament grounds look to have pretty good food options from what I’ve seen online. Thanks all!
I spent a weekend there a couple years ago and Pepp and Dolores was my favorite meal. Cute neighborhood too.
Almost anywhere in Over the Rhine will be great.
Hooray, a Cincinnati question! If you want post what part of town you’re staying in and what kind of food you like I may be able to give more specific recommendations, but in the meantime here are some:
Mita’s – Mediterratean (more on the Spanish end) small plates from a James Beard-nominated chef, downtown
Abigail Street – Mediterranean (more on the Middle Eastern end) small plates in Over-the-Rhine. The weather is great right now, and they have some outdoor seating.
Midcity – Inventive food, good drinks, downtown. Longfellow is a bar in Over the Rhine owned by the same guy, and is also wonderful.
Kiki – Excellent, creative Japanese food in College Hill. If you like beer, Brink is a great brewery across the street.
Forno – delicious Italian in Hyde Park. Also has outdoor seating.
Hart + Cru – This is mostly a great wine bar but they have some food, which is always excellent, and it’s on a lovely little pedestrianized side street with plants, twinkly lights, and historic architecture.
Flatiron Cafe – the food here is fine, but it’s a cool old flatiron building with a good view over the city from the rooftop. In Mt. Auburn.
Shire’s Garden – The food is good, though not as unique as some of the other places I’ve listed; the reason to go is it’s on the top floor of a historic office building, with a gorgeous entry hall and elevators, and a good view.
Colette – Delicious French, in OtR.
Luca – Delicious French, in Mt. Adams. Lovely courtyard in the back. This is more chill than Colette.
Tela – Good food, and further north (so, closer to the tennis center), than anything else I’ve listed. In Wyoming.
If you go anywhere in OtR, stop for a drink in Somerset, which is in OtR on McMicken. It’s really cool both inside and outside and very worth seeing. The neighborhood around it looks noticeably rougher than the southern part of OtR where more of the restaurants are, but I’ve never had any trouble there.
Breakfast:
The Bagelry – best bagels I’ve ever had outside NYC. There’s one in Over the Rhine and one in Oakley. The Oakley one has seating and the OtR one does not, but if you go to the OtR one you can take your bagel to Washington Park or Ziegler Park, both nearby, to eat. If you do this Collective Espresso is a good coffee shop next to Ziegler Park.
Brown Bear Bakery – Delicious pastries with creative flavors and beautiful presentation. It’s in OtR, but the same woman owns Two Seven Two in Clifton. I haven’t been to that one but given her talent I bet it’s great.
Mochiko – delicious breakfast pastries with Asian-inspired flavors. This location becomes a ramen shop in the evening (the wife is the baker, the husband is the ramen cook).
Hildegarde this info is wonderful, thank you! Our hotel is close to the tennis center in Mason but we’re definitely up for driving into the city for a couple great meals. Excited to hopefully try some of these places, they sound fabulous!
You’re so welcome; I hope you have a great time!
paging anyone who’s worked in consulting and shifted to industry – how did you do it? what kind of transition did that look like for you?
in more detail – i’ve been in healthcare consulting for 7.5 years (my entire career) and am considering switching over to client-side work. i’m struggling a little feeling i’m at a crossroads, as my exact experience is a fairly niche (if i wanted to continue in this, i’m either stuck in consulting or having to really deepen my work and probably consider a phd [my mph already almost killed me so not interested atm]) and switching client-side seems to need more generalist. i’m just a little stuck on how to present myself and whether i should be looking for a lateral move or trying to aim up, since i’m up for a promotion at my current work, too.
i’m not in a rush, which makes this easier and harder, but i don’t want to miss the right opportunity just because i don’t recognize it either!
I was in consulting and shifted to healthcare (payer) and been here a few years now. I wasn’t in healthcare consulting at all; in terms of industry this was new but the work I did in consulting definitely translated well.
It took me maybe two years to transition but part of that was 2020 when no one was hiring. One of the things that really helped me was initial phone screens and even interviews as it clued me into what hiring managers were looking for and skills I needed to round out or show better on my resume.
In terms of lateral vs step up, I think it depends where you’re going and the economy. Getting a promotion out of a job change tends to be easier when there are a lot of job openings and supply is tight. Think 2021 vs 2024. My company tends to hire at the same level from folks leaving consulting. There are a lot of companies that do the opposite; hire consultants at lower levels so they learn the ropes and because ostensibly their company is so great to work for. Disney is famous for this, Meta as well, and several folks from my old firm who were Manager level went to Microsoft as individual contributors. I’m sure with RSUs and what not the comp is still comparable.
I’m in revenue cycle, and have hired people moving from consulting into industry several times, always a level up from their consultant title. I already know from their experience that they should have data and project management skills, and that they can learn culture and nuance relatively quickly. I’ve also worked with a lot of people in senior roles who came from consulting, and there’s a lot of fluidity as far as specialization (Ops, finance, IT, rev cycle). I believe that your skills will be more highly valued in a large organization, like an academic medical center, than in a smaller shop. If you feel comfortable sharing more about your niche and interests, I may be able to say more.
very late on replying to you but just wanted to say thank you (both!) for you responses – i appreciate them and also the confidence boost along with them! i’ve definitely been feeling a bit down about spending 7+ years doing one thing and having to start all over again so fingers crossed. i’m specifically in HEOR / patient-oriented research, and it seems to be a field that’s either hiring at the director level or very junior, neither of which are me.
i’ll re-adjust my resume a bit to reflect some of what you’ve both said about data / project management and the technical skills i have that will hopefully transition over. thank you again!
want to dip my toe into the visible sock trend. are the white socks people are wearing athletic socks or like, the equivalent of little girl white socks made of thinner cotton?
It depends on the shoe and look you’re going for? My kids love to do a Nike or Ugg sock with sandals. My daughter does more of the lettuce trim sock with heels and it looks good.
I have cankles. Didn’t know what that was until HRC but certain shoes are more flattering on my foot than others. Ankle straps are a no go for me. Wondering it crew socks would look cuter than no shows. Mmm.
I think I remember that someone here was considering/had bought a Whoop band at one point this year. Any thoughts? My fitbit is dead at this point. It’s not keeping time at all and and it’s never certain it will read a workout.
Can’t comment on the Whoop, but I have a Garmin watch that I love and would recommend.
Which Garmin do you have? I keep going and looking at Garmin watches every few weeks lately.
I have a Garmin 245 and LOVE it. After 18 months, it developed a fault and they sent me a brand new one for free. I wish I had bought the one that would control my music/podcast though.
Forerunner 255. I love it.
+1 Same here!
I have the Fenix 6S and think it’s amazing.
I love me Apple Watch SOOO much! It is one of the best purchases of my life (and I have tried them all at this point). I don’t work for the company or usually fangirl them fwiw.
My Apple Watch has changed my life. I’m serious. My cardiologist told me to get one to monitor for afib (which I don’t have as it turns out) but it has been a security blanket on that front, and I’ve found closing my rings very very motivating.
I just recently discovered that my Apple Watch allows me to set up custom workouts in the free Fitness app. So I can set a run that gives me a warmup, run for a set distance (or time, or pace), tell it to alert me if my heart bpm goes outside a zone, and then tell me when it is time to cool down. I liked my watch before, but LOVE it now.
I say “Siri start outdoor walk” to my wrist at least twice per day. There’s something about the accountability of it. I also like to know how far I’ve walked, and just my regular iPhone step counting didn’t do that for me.
Can someone please talk to me about moving from government to something else? I’m a lawyer, and have been in-house in a state agency for a bit and need a change. I am thinking consulting is a possibility as we ourselves use consultants, but I am sure I am thinking too narrowly. Anyone had experience making a similar move? I have > 10 years post-bar, executive level leadership at this point, just really burnt out and need something with better work/life.
IME, my work life balance in government has always been way better than it was in industry.
I think at lower levels that is true in my agency too, but is not my experience at the cabinet level.
OP, I feel you here. People on this list and in the world comment often as if all government jobs are 8:00–4:00 and that is so far from my experience. And for sure, moving up in government means more hours, being on call, etc. I don’t know whether industry will be less demanding of your time, but I know in my situation, it would not be more.
what types of companies need to file things with your agency for approval? I bet a lot of companies’ policy or regulatory type groups would love to hire a former ‘insider.’
Former gov lawyer – I previously worked regulating an industry on the local level and then moved in-house for a company that operates in the industry i previously regulated.
FWIW, i am find that my work/life balance is WAY better in the private sector. Gov was previously a very butts-in-seats culture, where you had to be at your desk M-F 9 to 5. Going to a doctors appointment required burning vacation/sick time.
Now I have a way more flexible culture where I control my own calendar and there is zero facetime requirement. I also make 3x what I made in government so i can throw money at kid problems – grocery delivery, cleaning person for the first time, more takeout, etc.
How did you find your current gig?
It was posted publicly on the company’s website and then I networked into a contact at the company via sleuthing my LinkedIn network.
Someone I went to law school with was friends on LinkedIn in with the AGC. I messaged my law school buddy about the guy from this company that he was connected with – turns out they are very good friends. Law school friend then sent a warm intro email connecting us. Got coffee with AGC, he then forwarded on my email with a recommendation.
I am a practice group lead in a medium size firm and I have hired two attorneys who fit your experience level in recent years. Both have told me that they found firms don’t actively recruit them in the same way law firm attorneys are recruited, I kind of feel like I hit the jackpot with them. Do you want to go work at a firm? There are those of us out there who don’t work crazy hours and are happy to have experienced attorneys. Their biggest challenge was the move from in-house life to firm life and billing, but after an adjustment they are excellent.
Thanks for this comment. Yeah, I think that’s true– no one is recruiting me though this is likely a failure of self-promotion as much as a disconnect between recruitment efforts. How did you find your two hires?
Through lucky connections and networking on their part, but they were both looking for new jobs at the time. If you’re thinking about going to a firm, I would focus on those firms that interact with your agency, or with government in general. Having state agency attorneys is fantastic for me because they have experience in my niche. I would imagine that if you start telling people that you’re looking for your next opportunity, it will present itself to you.
anyone else think that this whole thing with Jordan Chiles and the medal is ridiculous? At this point the medal almost seems meaningless since they keep giving and taking, etc. i feel so badly for all of the athletes who’ve worked so hard.
I feel terrible for Jordan! I don’t know why they can’t award a second bronze — they did that with the figure skating judging scandal. Having the athlete stripped of the medal seems really extreme for any situation short of doping or cheating.
I feel like she’ll end up keeping the medal and staying in the record books esp now that they have time stamped video that both inquiries were made in under one minute. I just feel bad that this forever tarnishes that memory for her.
I also don’t get why everyone on X is like – no way, don’t give it back, put it in a safety deposit box and they’ll never see it again. That’s all fine and good – don’t give it back even if required, but isn’t the issue here NOT the physical medal but being erased from the record books as the official bronze winner for that year? I mean the medal itself is nice but I’d imagine these athletes want to be credited as the actual winner forever.
It’s ridiculous. I think any of us who have been in positions to make decisions or judgments that can be appealed would have handled this better, and I have no idea what the decision makers are thinking!
It’s part of a long line of gymnastics organizations, in this case the FIG, screwing up and passing the punishment onto the gymnasts while taking zero accountability. Gymnastics is my favorite sport but it’s so hard to support because of disgusting things like this.
There is no world in which an already given medal should be stripped from a gymnast who did nothing wrong.
Is this an anxiety thing or a concern you’ve heard of before? DH has become a much more anxious person in the six years we’ve been married and honestly I’m losing touch with when it’s his anxiety versus something that people worry about.
We were out running errands for much of Saturday. It was the type of errands that take time – like the car dealership. So by the time we finish it’s nearly 4 pm and I suggest that we just grab takeout for dinner and bring it home with us so we have nothing to do at dinner time besides just heat it up. He refuses because – I don’t like to order food at off hours. Why? Well lunch service has been over for hours and dinner hasn’t started yet so you know the employees are mopping the floors or playing on their phones and then an order comes in and they’ll make it with unwashed hands. I was like well that could happen at noon too?? His view is no it’s less likely at noon because they’re too busy. FWIW we live in a suburb, not NYC or Hong Kong – no restaurant is SO BUSY at all times that an employee can’t be playing on their phone. We argued for a while and then he finally agreed to pizza because once it’s cooked, no one is touching it with fingers that have touched their phone as they remove it from a scorching hot oven.
Is this anxiety? What would you do here as the spouse? There are many examples – this just what we found about this weekend, and overall I’m growing more worried as we’re married with an infant to so this isn’t a boyfriend relationship where you can just peace out. Of course he doesn’t think he’s anxious, he thinks the rest of us don’t worry enough.
Wow, that is something else. And of course they’re touching pizza when it comes out of the oven! How does he think it gets sliced and put in a box?
I mean, it’s taken from the oven into the box on a pizza peel and cut by a pizza cutter, so there’s no hand to pizza touching.
That being said – this is not a normal reaction on your husband’s part. Though, I also think he way over estimates the cleanliness of restaurants during peak hours too.
It’s often taken out with a big spatula (? maybe there’s a word for this specific thing but it looks like a giant spatula) and then cut with a pizza cutter, so no, not necessarily handled.
Agreed this is extreme anxiety though.
Pizza peel I think
Did it get worse with the birth of your child? I got anxious about the weirdest things post partum, and noticed some anxiety in my partner as well. Everything felt greater stakes. Would he be open for some time limited CBT?
OP here – it’s gotten worse in stages if that makes sense. When we met, dated, and married he was an easygoing person. Always up for anything – pack a bag, let’s go. And then a few years into marriage he lost a job he loved. That changed him. It’s like it was the first time he truly realized that something bad could happen – mid 30s. He rebounded, has had great new jobs after that one, but it’s like something inside changed IYKWIM. Then a health scare in his later 30s, turned out ok but more cautious. Then Covid and just the fear we all faced in the early months. Then yes the baby. And for whatever reason his anxieties manifest in germaphobia. We’re not as pick up and go anymore even pre baby because he’s hand washing, won’t eat here or there, doesn’t want to be in crowds, you name it.
MIL and I keep saying what are you going to do in a few months when this baby is crawling? I mean babies don’t care, they’ll crawl on the airport floor, as he acts all – NO NO NO OUR baby won’t do that, we’ll put down a blanket and make them stay on it. Um babies have been crawling on any floor surface and putting their mouths on playground equipment and furniture since the dawn of time, why do you think OURS won’t?
with this context – yes, this is anxiety. he should get therapy ASAP to help him challenge some of these irrational intrusive thoughts. to him these things are rational. but obviously they aren’t. and yes, every trip we took during the crawling stage one of our twins ended up sick from crawling and touching the whole airport
My husband’s anxiety got worse when he had some job trauma too, so I think that’s definitely what it is.
Yes, this definitely sounds like a form of anxiety. I’d recommend a medical practitioner who is in a position to potentially prescribe medicine that could really help him manage these feelings. I know people who say medications along these lines have completely changed their lives for the better.
This sounds like anxiety to me (as someone who is anxious and gets treatment for it). Have you been able to broach the subject of working on his anxiety, either with meds or therapy or both? If you do bring it up, make sure it’s compassionate, not judgmental. Speaking for myself, in the throes of anxiety it’s hard not to feel like you’re the only one keeping the ship afloat, and that sounds like it might also be an issue for him.
Good luck. This is hard, but it’s worth being kind — but don’t mistake kindness for letting it go.
I have never heard of that concern in my life.
I think some things are anxiety and somethings are just being more high strung. I have, and am medicated for, anxiety. My roommate does not have anxiety but its very high strung and has concerns about things I’d never consider: not running any appliances unless someone is both home and awake the entire time (a Sunday afternoon nap while your clothes are in the dryer is one of life’s pleasures), fighting with our landlord over the fact that he wouldn’t get the chimney to our fireplace swept twice a year, insisting we decide 3 months in advance if we’re going to drive and park, take the train, or Uber to the airport for a friend’s wedding, etc.
She’s extremely safety conscious, but about things that don’t even register to me, which is funny because I’m an insurance risk manager with anxiety.
How do you figure out if something is anxiety or high strung though?
FWIW I was def raised to not run appliances if you were leaving the house. Just in case. The sleep thing was never on my radar as I’m very much someone who does laundry Sunday night, switches it to the dryer as I’m headed off to bed and that way I wake up to dry laundry in the morning.
She isn’t worried about things, she’s just very rigid that we do thinks this way and we don’t deviate.
I know you “shouldn’t” run appliances if you’re not home, but I’ve never subscribed to that. Frankly, she’s one of two people I know (the other is a firefighter) who follows that rule.
Meanwhile, I’m fine with running the washer or using a crockpot if I’m not home (isn’t that what crockpots are for!), but I get horribly intrusive thoughts about having left my hair straightener on or the door unlocked. I have to take pictures of the straightener unplugged and the door (with my hand on it, pushing it open if it were unlocked) so I can refer to them and assuage my anxiety.
I know someone who has to have all appliances unplugged before she leaves the house. It’s a disorder in the OCD category.
I don’t think not running appliances when you’re not home is high-strung or anxious at all – it’s good sense. It’s easy for us to run them when we’re home and it doesn’t cause anxiety or take up any thought. It’s like wearing a seatbelt in a car – automatic, easy, and may protect you from harm.
Eh I work in the office 60-70 hours a week, if I didn’t run appliances when I wasn’t home I’d never have clean laundry or dishes.
Our dishwasher malfunctioned and melted the countertop so yes it’s smart to be home when running electrical appliances.
It’s in fact not easy for everyone. My new high efficiency dishwasher takes five hours to complete a run, and my new high efficiency clothes washer takes two hours to do a normal cycle if I have a lot of clothes. The new machines are designed to run longer, in part because they prioritize reducing water usage over a shorter run time.
I think the difference between anxiety and high strung is whether the behavior causes distress. For the appliance example– anxiety would be whether the person obsesses all day about whether the blender was unplugged after leaving the house, catastrophizing and worrying about the house burning down to an extent that it affects her life.
A person who’s “just” high strung might have a habit of turning everything off and unplugging (it’s not irrational!) but if they forgot to do the blender one day, they don’t obsess over it and spiral all day.
That’s the difference to me.
The technical diagnosis isn’t really important. The question is whether it interferes (emotionally or otherwise) with you and your relationships. Turning off appliances might be a symptom of anxiety, but what does it matter if it’s not interfering with anything? That said, if you can’t manage it if you forget to unplug the toaster when you leave the house, then that’s something to deal with.
YMMV but my DH can be like this and also refuses to recognize he’s anxious, though we haven’t had this specific concern. What would work here is legit just being like – I’m ordering dinner for myself from x because once I get home I’m not cooking or washing dishes or doing anything besides putting takeout in a microwave, do you want something? Usually he’d go along even if he doesn’t want to. But if he doesn’t then it’s like fine dude, you can make yourself something and clean up after and don’t look to me to do anything because I’m done for the day. I feel like with many men once you put the burden of their anxieties back on them, they tend to step back. If you mommy them, then they feel better but now you’re suddenly doing dishes or cooking after an annoying day.
Amen.
This is the way. If my initial suggestion is rejected as OP’s was, I rephrase, “Ok, I am going to xyz. If you want me to include you, great. If not, then I am all set and you can figure out what you are going to do when you are ready.”
I have anxiety, and it’s taken meds and years of therapy for me to get to a place where I enjoy life almost all the time. So, coming from that perspective — you can’t force him to get help unless he wants to. I also didn’t think I was anxious (sometimes I still don’t). I’m not anxious about germs like this, but more about health anxiety and dying suddenly. Like, I’ll think I’m not anxious but apparently it’s not normal to worry multiple times a day about whether there’s a blood clot in my leg that’s about to kill me. I have lots of strategies for helping calm myself when I have a flare up, but that’s not as helpful for you.
As for what you can do, I wonder if you could talk to him about how this can affect your child’s life. Of course, the child needs a safe environment, but having to bend constantly to a parent’s anxiety is a trauma of its own. I’m not sure those are the best words, but that is something that I thought about reading this.
It is really hard to convince someone with anxiety that what they’re doing isn’t rational. For me, it got to a place where I could not function very well before I took my treatment seriously. I’d think that therapy or a psychiatrist would be a good start for him because it’s unclear whether your husband has OCD, generalized anxiety, PTSD, or something else. I think the treatments and meds are slightly different for all those scenarios (but not positive). My partner and I have had a lot of conversations about this. Whenever I’m being obsessive, he is always kind but doesn’t indulge me if that makes sense. He won’t go down the rabbit holes and instead will ask if maybe I would like to lie down or do a breathing exercise or something. This is a reaction we’ve discussed and landed on because it’s helpful to me.
This is anxiety.
My husband has had anxiety his entire life. It got worse over time. It got worse when he was in grad school writing a dissertation; got worse when we had kids; got worse when he lost a job. He refused to get treatment for it for many years.
Part of our dynamic was that he would get anxious about a Thing. (It doesn’t matter what the Thing was. One critical thing about anxiety is that no one is ever anxious about the Thing. They are anxious because they are anxious. The Thing is just a macguffin that holds all the feelings. And yes – the restaurant concern is just a Thing.) He would tell me about how miserable and stressed out he was about the Thing. I would say, “This doesn’t seem like a big deal.” He would then spend an enormous amount of time spiraling, trying to persuade me that it was a big, huge, catastrophic deal. At some point, I would buy it – and I would start to get anxious about the Thing as well. At that point, he felt relief – because not only was I also focused on the Thing, but I was validating his feelings that the Thing was a huge problem. So he felt better, and I felt awful. To make matters worse, this often happened right as we were going to bed – which meant that he dumped his feelings on me and he could sleep, while I’d lie awake miserable.
At some point, I realized that his anxiety was literally making me sick. I had become his ad hoc therapist and emotional dumpster. And frankly, he was too sick to handle any of this or to go to get medication. For years and years, I begged him to get some help. He refused.
Several years ago, I told him that unless he did something to manage his anxiety, I would leave him. I told him he had three choices: therapy, exercise, or drugs. So he started running. Running is evidence-based treatment for anxiety. It helped enough for him to get a sense for what the world might start to look like without his anxiety. It was like the curtains parted for long enough for him to realize that he had a problem.
But that was not enough. And it was eating me alive; I was being consumed by his need to talk about his anxiety. I remember he’d drop me off at the train in the mornings and we’d end up having a 45 minute panic attack in the car before I got on the train, and then I’d silently weep on the train on my way to work because I was so overwhelmed.
So I started seeing my own therapist, who helped me draw my own boundaries and stop being his unpaid, unlicensed therapist. Part of that process was, for me, no longer engaging in the spirals about the Thing. So for example, if he had done the whole “no restaurant is clean enough” business, I would say “I am ordering a pizza, and that is what I am eating for dinner. I am not discussing this any further, and you can make your own choices.” Another boundary for me was that I did not talk about his anxiety or engage in his anxiety after 10 PM. I just refused. If he tried to talk, I literally would go sleep in the guest room. I explained that I couldn’t do this any more, and that he needed to find a therapist and explore medication for his anxiety. He HATED this. But it was extremely effective. And ultimately, it made him realize that he needed to do something more to manage his anxiety. He eventually got a prescription for an anti-anxiety med and started going to therapy.
I’m not going to tell you that everything is fixed. He still has terrible anxiety/panic attacks. I still have to say “This is not a Big Deal” and enforce some boundaries. But it is SO MUCH BETTER. It is better for me; for our marriage; and maybe most importantly, it is SO MUCH BETTER for my children. He is a happier, healthier person. He is still quirky. But he is emotionally available and consistent in a way that I could not have dreamed of five years ago.
You can’t force anyone to get therapy or go on medication. But you can and must be clear about your own boundaries, and about your own co-dependency. This is really hard work, but it is essential for your own well-being and your child’s.
Sending love.
+++1 to this.
My husband also does anxiety and does the spiral before bedtime thing. For some reason, he has a tendency to either go through our bank accounts or look at the news as he’s in bed and I’m brushing our teeth, etc. It’s like he’s looking for a “thing” to fixate on sometimes. I don’t engage in these conversations after a certain time of day. DH also has become more self-aware of when he is having anxiety– like he will just sit there and fixate and not be engaged in something.
This past weekend, he was fixated on something that was not a big deal at all, and I called him out on it, and his response was “You know, I don’t think I’m actually anxious about The Thing. I think I just have anxiety, and this is what I’m fixating on.” Which I thought was really a breakthrough for him.
(DH has been on meds on and off and works with a Psych NP on managing his anxiety. He tried therapy before but has never been able to find anyone he clicked with.)
Thank you for sharing this incredibly helpful, and painful story.
I wish you and your family all the best.
You are a very strong woman.
I have anxiety/ocd and I do get nervous every time I get food out, though time of day doesn’t cross my mind (but anxiety is irrational and we can’t control what thoughts will take control). There was a norovirus outbreak from a donut shop near me after a sick employee still went to work, so it’s not completely unfounded!
I think everyone has weird worries/anxiety over certain things that others don’t understand. The key to whether it’s excessive or clinical is whether is if it’s meaningfully impacting daily life. Sounds like you think it might be, be he doesn’t
And time of day shouldn’t be a factor – having worked in restaurants and takeout places, there’s no difference in the level of cleanliness based on time of day! If anything, my hands were probably dirtier during busy times – I worked in a sandwich shop in college and during the lunch rush I would be so busy I wouldn’t notice that my gloves had ripped.
Actually, not everyone has weird worries and anxieties over things others don’t understand. Thinking that everyone is like is part of the distorted worldview caused by the sickness.
With this food example, would he have gotten food at “off hours” in the past? As in, has this food concern progressed over the years perhaps in tandem with anxiety progression? Surely at some point in your relationship this has come up before, that you’re in a situation to get food at an off hour?
I’m so glad I’m single.
I’m so glad I’m single.
I don’t think you need to diagnose it as anything. It’s a weird concern that I don’t think most people would have, but you don’t need to label it either.
This is full blown anxiety. As someone with GI issues who’s more conscious of food safety than most, this time of day hygiene scenario would never occur to me. I avoid sushi near holidays when business is slower for several days, but this hypothetical staffing and cleaning issue is irrational. He needs to see a psychiatrist
It’s OCD.
yes it seems more like OCD than anxiety to me too. Although the diagnoses often go hand in hand.
Is he getting sick all the time and grasping for straws as to why? (I only ask because I’ve seen this pattern more than once, where someone doesn’t realize they have a GI condition and keep looking for some food safety mistake they made or that someone else made as the explanation for symptoms.)
This is not a concern I’ve ever heard of before and it sounds made up to me. People who are very susceptible to food borne illness don’t get take out at all; they don’t try to time right like this.
Yes, this is anxiety. Untreated, it will likely continue to progress with time, as you have been seeing, slowly. Yes, children can increase anxiety levels. It is good you are noting this, and thinking about it.
I would have a hard time dealing with this, as a partner. What’s tricky about it is that there is usually a grain of logic/truth to each concern your partner has, but it is still…. somewhat irrational.
Does he have any regular outlets for his anxiety? Regular exercise? Relaxation/meditative type hobbies? Close friends? Good sleep/eating habits?
At some point, when you are home, things are quiet and he feels safe, I would try to have a talk with him. Just be honest. You have noticed that his anxiety has been slowly getting worse over time, and you are love him, and are worried about him. Talk about how it is affecting you/upsetting you/making you anxious/making you worried/walking on tiptoes/whatever, and that you worry it will get worse with the added stress of a new young child. Suggest that it is time to see the doctor/therapist.
It could very well be anxiety, or masked PTSD. That’s what it was with my husband who started more vocally expressing views on things that frustrated me like, we cannot own a house with stairs because he is afraid me or the kids might fall down them, or we cannot go to the mall because there are too many people. It turned out that covid was a major overall trauma trigger that unearthed all sorts of childhood and adult trauma. He was diagnosed with PTSD this year, and ADHD last year. Is on medication and seeing a therapist and we are all SO relieved.
Classic OCD and anxiety. Get a therapist who will prescribe for the anxiety and also do exposure therapy for the OCD. Make him go by pointing out that it is going to affect your family quality of life. My husband was much worse than this (we had to move houses because of his germaphobia) and able to almost totally kick it with intense treatment.
Even though I live in a city, we almost never have deliveries stolen…until last week. I now have had 3 packages totaling nearly $300 stolen. I know its very much a first world problem, but it is so annoying. I’m hoping to get a partial refund, but can’t count on it. And, now I have to add another errand to my list. One of the things I ordered was a small appliance which is not in stock at any stores near me and I do not have a car, so am not sure how I could even buy it in person.
You can instacart a small appliance from Costco or Walmart or wherever.
This was the Walmart from store delivery (not shipping) and it still got stolen before I could get to it!
Just set a time window when you’ll be home. Instacart allows you to pick a time window and your instructions can say not to leave it.
I have yet to not receive a refund for a stolen package but in any event – A-zn Lockers, using nearby UPS or FedEx access points for deliveries, having a text chain with your neighbors for them to watch out for delivery drivers, a video doorbell where you can talk to the delivery person and tell them to leave it with a neighbor, etc. are all good strategies.
Thank you. I usually do Amazon lockers, but haven’t tried the other access points – I will look into those!
Annoyingly, my neighbor texted about my package and I misunderstood and thought she brought it inside for me. But she didn’t and then it got stolen (everyone in my building brings in packages for each other all the time). So, here we are!
Zipcar, uber to/from where you’re going to get the item or instacart are all ways to get the item without a car. I’m all for urban living, but I do not think this is the fault of the vendor or carrier and don’t think a refund is appropriate.
Are the packages being left on a stoop or inside of a keyed entry? Are there some additional security measures you could take or recommend your landlord to take if you rent?
We have double doors into the building and they’re supposed to leave packages in between the set of doors, but they often get left on the stoop. From the picture included in the delivery, they were left on the stoop. Which must be why they were stolen.
I feel a little bad asking for a refund, but also the $300 means a lot more to me than it does to Walmart. Package theft is really such an annoying crime, I know there isn’t a good way to crack down on stuff but there needs to me. So many brick and mortar stores in my neighborhood have closed so many things really can only be bought online. Yet, shipping is so unreliable due to package theft. Even my friends who have package rooms in their buildings have had packages stolen.
YMMV, but all of the big box stores in my area don’t keep appliances really in store – they have to be ordered and delivered.
Delivery to an Amazon locker?
I do this when I can, but not everything (even things ordered from Amazon!) is able to be shipped to an Amazon locker. I just ordered a book and Amazon told me that it couldnt be sent to any Amazon locker? Its a normal book size, so really not sure why?
Of the two Amazon lockers in my area, one was in a store that just closed down and the other is always full its so hard to get a delivery sent there.
I’m also annoyed because shipping estimates are so unpredictable, I try to only have things delivered when I’ll be home but when a package comes a day early (the appliance) or two days late or whatever, then I’m not home and things get stolen.
This is the most annoying to me too. I understand that if something is just left on my stoop for hours it will be stolen. But, shipping estimates are so wrong that I try my best to align deliveries with my WFH day, but that’s often not feasible.
Have it delivered to an Amazon locker or for products being purchased in store by a shopper, pick a delivery window when you’re home.
One thing that randomly bothers me about porch pirates is that its so wasteful – they don’t know what they’re stealing and often its things that they can’t use or don’t want for themselves and they can’t resell (or it won’t resell for much). Why Bother stealing from your neighbors if you’re just going to dump the stuff?
My dad is a mailman; mailmen have keys to apartment building lobbies to deliver the mail while Amazon / FedEx / UPS drivers don’t and thus leave stuff on stoops. I would definitely pay extra to ensure that my packages are mailed via USPS so that I can be sure they’ll make it into my building. I wish there was the option for this – it would also be a good way to ensure funding for USPS.
Also, messing with someone’s mail is a serious crime while taking someone’s package not mailed via USPS is not…
It’s obnoxious and absurd this is not something we are prosecuting people over, even when there is Ring Cam evidence. I don’t think there should be crazy long jail sentences, but these cases should be charged and prosecuted.
Right. And if people are prosecuted, then it’ll really cut down on how often this happens. IME, this isn’t the type of stealing that people do because they need to – this is stealing just because they can.
As a whole, antisocial behavior is way up and it’s awful. Society works because we have an agreed upon set of rules, deviating from that ruins the society.
That’s why I’m probably voting to overturn Prop 47 in CA (which downgraded thefts to non-prosecuted misdemeanors as long as the value is under ~950). It completely emboldened package thieves.
In my younger years, when I was basically living at the firm, I would have packages sent to my work address. The sales tax was slightly different, but there was little risk of theft out of the mails. Do you work somewhere with a mail room?
How would you deal with this neighbor issue? Neighbor bought a Corvette during COVID that literally sounds like a NASCAR starting up and rumbles when he goes in and out of his long narrow driveway. There was an extended period the Corvette was gone for 6+ months recently. It.was complete serenity. Now, the car is back. I am literally startled at 10pm when reading in bed or 6am before I wake. I try not to get annoyed, but it makes me angry he can’t drive his quiet Escalade during times people may be asleep. Do you think this guy is ignorant or inconsiderate?
Curious – how close is the driveway to your house?
3-4ft
If he’s not revving the engine for a long time or doing something other than just driving in and out of his driveway I think it’s more of a you issue. Sure it may be something you’d like to wish away but it’s not outrageous to own a corvette.
Yes he revs in his garage
He is not ignorant or inconsiderate. Hearing vehicles is a normal part of having neighbors.
Think about a perspective shift. My neighbor across the street own several Corvettes. I hear it every time she starts her car to leave, and yes its disruptive (my home office faces the street)
But I know how much she loves that car, and it brings a smile to my face every time because I know how much joy it sparks.
Thank you for being a tolerant neighbor. My husband curses like a sailor while he works on his old car in our driveway, which is between our house and our neighbors’ house. I know they can’t enjoy hearing him, but the cursing is sort of ingrained in him – from my perspective, a price of admission – and I always feel grateful they haven’t said a word. Maybe they’re afraid to!
Cursing is a bit different from the noise the OP stated.
I can’t imagine policing another adults language, especially when they’re on their own property. As someone who curses, cursing doesn’t bother me at all but other language does, but even if my neighbor was dropping slurs on their property – what am I going to do about it?
Apparently, you think to yourself that it sparks joy in your neighbor.
For my husband, working on old cars does spark joy, and “this f___in bolt is rusted what the h___ motherf__er put this g__ d___d thing together” is an expression of joy!
I would have no issues hearing my neighbor drop f-bombs while working on his car. Hearing that same neighbor’s engine rev repeatedly would be infuriating.
And for me, cursing is so grating I can’t stand it (and don’t want my kids to overhear a string of curses — I’d much rather we hear a car engine twice a day).
Eh, I can see being annoyed but this is price of admission for living in a denser area
In my city, I’m surprised you can be that close to a garage on another lot but if it really is that close, 10 feet like in my city wouldn’t be much better IMO. This is city life. Fire trucks, trash trucks, car alarms, police, what IDK is gunshots or fireworks.
Yes, our homes were built in the 20s so narrow driveways
1909 here. Our driveway between my neighbors’ house and mine is barely wide enough for a car. It was built for a carriage. And my “garage” is a carriage house.
Neither. He has a car. You are being overly sensitive here. Perhaps move where other people don’t live?
We need regulation against cars that are deliberately designed to be very loud for entertainment purposes. There are currently cars out there that have speakers pumping out pre-recorded fake sounds just to make the drivers happy, let alone leaving out sound dampening, and it’s stupid, but currently it’s perfectly legal.
+1. A lot of cars around here have souped-up engines that are literally deafening during normal driving and start-up. I don’t think that should be allowed in cities. The decibel level sounds like a jet engine taking off.
I’m OP and I wonder if this Corvette has been modified. It certainly sounds louder than the Corvette’s at work and stores I frequent.
No, we actually don’t. Those cars bring pleasure to literally hundreds of people. We are over regulated as it is. (Said as the owner of two antique sports cars who attends Cars & Coffee events weekly and talks to the people, from all walks of life, and economic levels, who love the cars).
Literally hundreds of people can get over their need for noise pollution in public spaces. Listen to vroom vroom sounds on your speakers in private! But if we focus regulation on newly produced cars, antiques can get a pass, right?
It sounds like this is the neighbor’s daily driver. It’s one thing to have a loud car or bike making noise daily versus on a nice Sunday afternoon. In my neighborhood, we have illegal street racing down the major roads, but they at least restrain themselves to something like once or twice a month. I still can’t support them since they’re speeding and driving dangerously on both the nearby interstates and the neighborhood connectors. However, I appreciate they don’t drive that way nightly.
In my city the three wheelers with the loudest engines I’ve ever heard are everywhere. I can’t stand them. And they blast music so that my apartment, which does not face the street, literally vibrates with the bass. They also drive dangerously.
I’m in California. There actually are regulations against modifying your car to make it louder. I’m not sure how often it’s enforced at the individual car level, but the state will issue citations to auto shops who do this kind of work.
Not enforced in my area at all, unfortunately, even on known roads where informal drag races take place on a regular basis.
There’s been so much street racing these past few years. It’s led to some terrible accidents too. I don’t fully understand what changed, because it was unheard of not that long ago where I live!
Where I live it’s illegal to modify your exhaust for sound purposes. I just report cars like this because 9/10 times the exhaust is not stock so they get a fine and have to fix it.
Lol
What?!
What are your neighborhood’s noise ordinances? This may be a thing where he can’t rev his car (or start up a leaf blower, etc). until after 7 am and can’t do it after 10 pm or something. Beyond that, though, you might be out of luck.
I posted a grumble last week about the rise of third-party “marketplaces” on sites like Target and Walmart. I ordered something (a maternity support band worn next to skin) from a third-party seller at Walmart because it was either that or Amazon. It arrived “new” but the sticker saying “new” was placed over a sticker from eBay that clearly read “used, good condition.” Just FYI that counterfeits and fake “new” items really are rife at these places.
As a frequent Target and Walmart shopper, I am so, so irritated by this change too.
In a related peeve, every time I try to shop secondhand online I get screwed. Last time I ordered some NWT pants. I reached asked the owner if they had been stored in a pet free home, because I have allergies. She said yes, and then when they arrived they had a tag on them from Goodwill. So she clearly had no idea how they were stored. Before that I asked the same question about a purse and the one sent to me was doused in Febreze and when it wore off reeked of cats. I am done with the second hand market.
Same, and it’s really unfortunate. I loved Second Time Around (Massachusetts) when they were in business and found some great stuff there.
But I’m done. To many NWT purchases that involved someone using a tagging gun to put the tag back on. My all-time fav was buying a NWT shirt that reeked, was faded and pilled, and when I retuned it, the seller said I sent the wrong item back. She sent a photo of a completely different shirt and claimed that I kept the allegedly brand new item she sent me.
Yeah I’m done.
Ew, gross. I hate that too – it’s everywhere. Like no, I don’t want to order third-party from freaking Safeway.
A textbook I need for a class is only available via Amazon, in print, and from a third party seller who cannot pin down an estimated delivery time – its between Friday and mid September? Hope it come before the semester starts in 2 weeks!
I never order from third party resellers on those sites. I just assume they are scams. Searches let you filter for product only from the actual stores, and if instacarting, I usually check instore inventory first so I’m ordering from the store with the most stock vs the closest store which might only have 1-2 left.
+1 The only way to prevent this from spreading is to boycott third party sellers.