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Anonymous
Im curious about how ladies on here would describe their mothers, particularly as it relates to traditional gender roles and ideas. How did your mothers feel about you pursuing a career/being “career oriented”/ not adopting totally traditional gender roles (or any variant of the above that may apply to you)?
I ask because my mother is extremely religious and traditional, and for that and many other reasons we never really got along, she discouraged me in all my pursuits and actively tried to block me from going to college, grad school, etc. Obviously most people’s experiences aren’t this extreme, but I’m wondering how closely mothers’ attitudes about these things correlate with their daughters’ success ideas on the matter, especially in a group of women like this
LilyS
My mother and especially her mother have always been very pro- women’s lib. Both women work/ worked as teachers. My grandma especially was keen on women being able to support themselves, since she had to support herself and her four children after my grandfather died early.
My grandma taught me to read before I started primary school: education as a means of opening doors was huge for her.
Cb
My grandma taught me to read before I started school as well. I think she wanted to show off to her friends… Or she was sick of reading the carrot seed and wanted me to be able to do it on my own.
AN
Mum worked for 30 years and was a typical Asian mother, pushing us girls to do our academic best always. Then pushing us to MBA school and supporting us all the way through with encouragement.
Her motto: people can take everything away from you, but not your education.
Signed,
A very grateful daughter
Wildkitten
I was never told that a career is optional (nor do I think it is.) Even my grandma had to have a job to pay the bills until she married my grandpa and switched to staying home with kids, and that was in the 50’s.
Anonymous OP
It’s weird because my mom’s mom worked her entire life and has some really progressive ideas about women/gender roles, etc. My mom just sort of went off the deep end and I don’t really get it.
Anon
Mine too.
Anon
We come from farm people, so women have always worked. My mother’s side of the family moved to town and went through the Depression, so they have always been practical about needing money (and not relying on men). My mother probably had the talent to be a fashion designer (she could not laugh any harder at the RHOA episode where one of them was going to be a designer and just sketched while someone else actually did the sewing). But because no one had been to NYC or Paris (except with the Army), she put herself through school to become a teacher. She’s from a reticent generation that would never tell me what to do (even if asked), but I think she’s proud of me. [But she’s not effusive with praise either, I guess.] I don’t think she encouraged me or discouraged me one way or the other — she’s from the very old school that thinks that there’s no reason that 18 year olds need much guidance, but it was up to me to find my way since I went a very different route.
I tell you: teaching is a hard job. So hard that I didn’t want to do it. For all the drama and grief I get from work (esp now that I have children), I would not trade my job for teaching (I’m a partner in BigLaw) even though I think I’d love some aspects of it and admire people who do it.
cbackson
I so agree…my mom taught for 40 years and I could NOT do that job.
emeralds
+a million. I was still foolish enough to teach English abroad for a stint and I have all of the respect and admiration in the world for people who can stick with teaching.
Science teacher
“Teaching is a hard job. So hard that I didn’t want to do it.”<– This made me feel better about myself today. I taught at the college level after grad school. It was so so hard, I became miserable. And very few people understood when I told them that I did not want to do this anymore. .
Idea
My mom was a SAHM, but was always active in the community, in our synagogue, Jewish women’s groups (even politically active ones), our public schools, fighting for her kids’ education, etc. As the kids got older she explored different career options and went back to school. She’s ended up being very SAHM, but very active in her own way.
Even traditional systems like churches or religions have a role for active women – I know an older woman who TAUGHT home economics as a professor and at the county extension service, and I know farm wives who don’t farm, but are proud of how they support their husband and the community.
Is there a way you can look at what your mom *does* as opposed to who pays her to do it, and a way she can look at your contributions, and not where they are located (inside/outside the house)? Obviously it’s not that easy, or you wouldn’t be asking. And I’m not getting the feeling that you denigrate her at all, so that’s good.
I hate these kind of within-women wars, even worse when it’s within-family. I’m so sorry.
Anonymous OP
My mom isn’t really active the way you describe. I don’t mean to denigrate her for it; it’s just hard for me to ignore the enormously negative impact she had on me. I’ve been thrown every insult in the book and she never really showed any care for me. We’re just really different people, and that seems to have resulted in her acting like she hates me. I’m just wondering how big of a difference active encouragement makes on thoughts about how women should behave.
Sarabeth
I’m so sorry that your mom treats you this way. For what it’s worth, that sounds pretty far beyond the bounds of normal/acceptable parenting. I wonder if this issue is just the pretext, and she’d have treated you badly even if you had grown up to be a super-traditional SAHM. The description you are giving here is just not how parents should be treating their children, even children whose life choices they disagree with.
I do think that having a negative relationship with your mother can have repercussions in your adult life. Having the person you attach to most closely as a child turn out be unsupportive is not an easy thing to deal with. If you haven’t already, it might be something to speak with a therapist about?
Anonymous OP
I spent most of my childhood in therapy. I honestly feel like I’m okay now. My dad and I are really close and he’s my biggest advocate, so I think that mitigated a lot of the possible ill effects.
I think my mother probably wouldn’t have liked me no matter what I did, but the fact that I’m not validating her life choices with mine gives her more reasons to act out.
Carrie....
It sounds like it is your mother that perhaps needed therapy all those years. It isn’t too late, if she is open to it now.
You never really know what is going on with other people. And when you are a child, you can’t really see what is truly going on with your parents. I certainly could not with my dysfunctional parents. It just hurt…
I’m so sorry that you have had so much suffering. I hope you still have someone you are talking too about these issues.
Sarabeth
I’m glad your dad has your back, and that you feel emotionally equipped to deal with your mother’s lack of support. Also, I think Carrie is 100% right that your mom is the one that really needs the therapy
Alana
Unfortunately, some people have difficulty tolerating, much less supporting, others who have made different life choices. It seems as if she expected a mini-her, and takes it personally that you have chosen differently.
SuziStockbroker
It sounds like your mother is mentally ill.
She sounds a lot like my mother, who has NPD.
My mother never encouraged me, nothing is ever good enough for her.
One night my sister and I were at our parents for dinner, my sister had just gotten her first (career) job. She was excited, my dad and I were excited for her. My mom had to leave the room becasue she was so upset about us “bragging about” our “big jobs”. My mom is very bright but gave up her career and became a SAHM, because that is what women did then.
Another day we were discussing universal daycare (it was an election issue) and she said she was against it because she “had to stay home” to look after her kids.
She’s a piece of work.
Wildkitten
This.
Amanda
My mom sounds very similar as well. She went to college and taught school for a few years, but when my parents moved back to the area where they were from, and where I was born, she refused to work any more. Only in recent years, starting when my younger sister was in high school, did she start having part time jobs. And her current job, working 2 days a week at a clothing store, is literally the most important thing in the universe.
It’s a tricky situation because I can’t say anything bad about her job despite wanting to scream, who cares? I have a much more stressful job! How is selling clothing stressful!?
She never asks anything about my job or about how I am doing. She’s exceedingly self-absorbed. I wish that I could change it, but I don’t think she has an inkling of an idea that there is a problem.
Anon2
The inter-family stuff is what kills me. My MIL is like this. She calls me “Career Woman” in a derogatory way. It’s caught on with the rest of the family, too. She/they are southern, so maybe that is the difference. But, I’m convinced they think my role is to have and raise children. Regardless of the fact that we get along in every other way but that, until I pop out some kiddos and apparently validate my existence I’m not going to be satisfactory to them.
Anon
I come from poor people in the rural south and in a big (NFL team) southern city now. At least from what I have seen, not only are they very hard working (because they have to be), they respect that trait in others.
Bless their hearts, but your in-laws don’t speak for me or for my people or my people’s larger community.
JJ
Thank you for saying what I intended to say, but more eloquently. +1
Cb
Oh gosh, in laws! I think my brother-in-law secretly refers to me as the mouthy one. He and his wife have super traditional gender roles and some pretty conservative beliefs so I’m curious to see how that pans out when we have a baby, and legislation pending, share parental leave before sending them off to nursery.
lucy stone
My MIL refers to me as a “career gal” and asked me if I was quitting my job when we got engaged (WTF), when we got married (no, I outearn your son), and once we have kids (no, I still outearn your son and carry the health insurance).
Anon2
This, this, and this. Exactly my situation. Nice to know I’m not alone.
cbackson
When my ex-husband announced our engagement to his partners in his investment firm, he was asked – in New York City – if I was going to finish law school.
L
Ditto. and then to have my SO say if we have kids, he’d stay home. That was priceless.
Anon
I am really lucky to have an amazing MIL. She was the family’s primary breadwinner and my FIL worked part time and stayed home with the kids. I think it’s had a very positive influence on my husband and his views.
SuziStockbroker
My MIL was quite vocal early in our marriage that she “doesn’t understand why so and so doesn’t stay home with the kids, her husband makes enough money”.
fast forward to when we had kids, she has never said anything even though my husband could support us on what he makes, even though I outearn him by about 150%. Presumably she has learned over the years that that would not be a good thing to say to me.
My FIL apparently made some comment about how “it’s not right when wives make more than their husbands”.
M’Kay.
Pink
Suzi – That totally made me laugh. My male friends can be divided into: (1) I’d love a woman who will support my lazy butt and (2) women shouldn’t make more than their husbands.
lawsuited
My mum is a SAHM and thinks raising her 5 children has been her magnum opus, but when I was younger she encouraged me to have high standards for my education and career and she has been very supportive of me during my professional life, even though there are many, many aspects of it that she doesn’t understand from first-hand experience.
NYNY
My parents had very traditional gender roles throughout my childhood. My father worked outside the home, and my mother kept house like it was her job. She had a structured schedule, so each day of the week had a different major task, and nothing was ever left undone. Although she had no “profession,” she was definitely an overachieving chick.
My mother was (and is still!) very much a feminist; I remember going door to door with her in the 70’s to get signatures to ratify the ERA. She always encouraged me to make my own choices, and to feel that it is my right to choose my life’s path. My life is so different from hers – and in some ways, much more like my father’s – but we remain very close, and she’s my biggest booster. I’m really fortunate.
Ellen
This is a lot like me! YAY!
My dad was in charge of everything (Rosa says autocratic — I thought that was the same as democratic, but it is the OPOSITE!) Mom had to clear EVERYTHING she did w/him first, even down to getting the type of laundry detergent to use–dad did NOT like the smell of Tide — FOOEY he said! Mom was in charge of cookeing, but Dad picked the meal’s she was to make every day, and if she did NOT have all the ingredents, she would have to go out and get them. But the food was YUMMY b/c she learned from Grandma Trudy, and I inherited my TUCHUS from them. Rosa, on the other hand, has a tuchus like Grandma Leyeh–a lot more SVELTE, and that is why she is MARRIED AND I AM NOT (yet).
The manageing partner’s brother had me over to dinner for brisket. He should NOT become a cook. It was like eateing shoeleather, Dad would say. The manageing partner’s brother told me about his love life– it was more like his sexueal escapade’s. I realy did NOT care to hear about the details he went into–supposedly he is a grandmaster in this area, tho when he came over in a towel, he did NOT look so masterful–FOOEY! And the woman took his watch, credit card’s and some cash. He said he would NOT file a claim for insurance, b/c they would ask what he was doeing, and he does NOT want to tell him he was having sex with a woman he just met. I think policy’s exclude that type of thing, but I only know about WC policie’s and this was NOT an on the job thing.
Myrna’s brother is also still wanting to come over. Evidently he does NOT care about my big tuchus. Myrna think’s he would surely date me, but I do NOT think mating with him would be good. He like’s to scratch a lot, and I wonder what that is all about.
Anyway, I have to head to lunch now with a cleint, so I will report back later! YAY!!!!
Trixie
NYNY—
I’m betting I’m at least 10-15 years older than you and know many women like your mother. She sounds wonderful. I am kind of amused by your line “my mother kept house like it was her job —well, it was her job. She chose to get married, to make a home for her family and raise her children. And that included volunteering in the community and working (at no pay) for a cause she believed in. Orgs like the League of Women Voters are floundering today because the professional volunteers like your Mom (and mine before her) no longer exist—most women are forced to work outside the home, and most of those who aren’t, well, they aren’t very interested in community affairs. Props to your Mom, you’re lucky to have her!
cbackson
I don’t think most women today are “forced” to work outside the home. I know this likely wasn’t your intent, but that wording actually contributes to some of the problematic assumptions referenced here.
Trixie
I think many women are “forced” to work outside the home these days—Or perhaps I should have said “both parents” are forced to work outside the home these days. I do know that in my major metro area, people who want to stay in the middle class homes they purchased on two incomes before having children find they both need to continue working in order to stay solvent and housed. Unfortunately, taking the “wonder” years off to raise your kids still puts you off the fast track career-wise, even if it means very little added household income post-childcare expenses.
But that’s a topic for an economics blog, not this one.
Cb
My mom has always worked and has been the one with the steady stable job while my dad works for himself. She put herself through university while working full time and finished when I was a toddler and she was in her early 30s. My dad stayed home with me for the first year and then worked from home so he was the one able to go on field trips / school assemblies.
Her mom was brilliant and secretly applied to UC Berkeley but her father didn’t think that girls needed an education. She ended up getting married at 19 and having 10 kids. She looked after me when I was growing up and always stressed getting an education, a good job and having control over my own money.
My mom did end up working the second shift (my dad is wonderful, warm and lovely but has that learned helplessness that seems pretty common among his generation). I think she’s quite happy that my husband is very much committed to splitting household stuff and child raising equally and is supportive that I’ll likely have the ‘big’ job.
Asideralis
My mum was a stay-at-home mother, but very liberal. She’s very encouraging of my career goals. She listens to me when I need to vent about the issues I encounter in a male-dominated field, and always tells me that I can achieve my goals.
When I decided to make the career move from electrical to software engineering, she told me to go for it. When I moved from coast to coast, she helped me through my fears. College was never optional, and she was proud of my successes.
She’s my best friend now, and I love her dearly.
JJ
My mom was/is a SAHM and my dad was/is the sole breadwinner, with very traditional gender roles. I’m one of three daughters. My mom worked while she was married until she was pregnant with me, to become a SAHM. She never went to college and says she regrets it to this day. However, she is one of those women that was born to stay at home – and I mean that in the best possible way.
Even with such traditional parents, my mom made sure that my sisters and I worked our butts off in school, went to college and didn’t waste our time there, and continually told us that we could do whatever we wanted if we worked hard enough. When I was pregnant with my first child, she asked if I wanted to become a SAHM and when I told her no, she has supported that decision ever since. I’ve been blessed that I’m very, very different from my mother but she has been my biggest source of support and guidance outside of my husband. I realize how lucky I am with this.
Diana Barry
+1. My mom has always been a SAHM since the oldest was born, but really encouraged our education and for us to do well in school. She was an uber-SAHM and always volunteered in our schools, advocated for our education, etc. (like when I needed to skip a grade to be challenged in school). She also served on the school committee for about 15 years starting when the middle sibling was in HS.
Part of my continuing to work, though, has been seeing how my mom floundered after the last of us went to college. She had a terrible time and has struggled with depression ever since.
Diana Barry
Oh, and as a side note, my mom is very morally conservative – she was shocked when I moved in with DH before we were married or even engaged! – and pretty religious, while I am extremely liberal and agnostic.
JJ
We must have the same mom. Mine struggled once all of us were out of the house, as well. Now that I’m back in town with grandkids (and she’s gone through some therapy), she’s much happier. But watching her go into depression because she thought her life’s work – her kids – was over because we moved away left an impression on me.
Brit
My perspective is definitely skewed by the fact that my parents divorced when I was 10 – I have very few memories of my mom NOT working outside the home. She was very much about letting me steer my own course, but she had to work to support my brother and I. My grandmother was a big part of that time too and we talked about how she had to work as well when she got divorced from her first (two) husbands when my aunts were young and having to work. I’m definitely very close to my mother and we’re very alike in mannerisms and personalities.
My step-mother on the other hand has always been more of the SAHM type, though she worked before she married my dad and a little bit after, and I can appreciate it now, especially since my younger sister is doing cyber school and they live on a farm, when I was living with her, it kind of irritated me (but that could be more what our relationship was like when I was 13-14-15). But she was also supportive of whatever route I wanted to go as well.
Baconpancakes
My mother raised me by myself, and even though I didn’t picture myself as a single mother, I just assumed I would have a career, probably get a couple degrees, and be successful in whatever I did. My grandparents were very unhappy, and if my grandmother had had any way of supporting herself, she probably would have left. This had a big impact on my mom, and she vowed to never let herself be dependent on a man for her basic survival.
My mother taught me (in these exact words): “Money is power in a relationship. Any relationship. Don’t forget that. Now go clean your room or you won’t get any allowance.”
Brit
That life lesson is gold right there…
Roman Holiday
+1
Wildkitten
Ha – I always pictured myself as a single mother. I just didn’t leave a space holder in my imaginary future for someone I hadn’t met yet. Now that that is less likely I’m having to re-imagine everything – like having to take another adult’s life into consideration, what?
cbackson
My mother worked for my entire childhood, except for a brief period after an interstate move when she needed to get re-certified to teach in our new state. My grandmother worked as well. Honestly, it’s not just about what your mom does, but what your dad does as well. My father was our primary caregiver, because although his job was more prestigious, it was also more flexible. He made our breakfast, packed our lunches, got us dressed, and ferried us to lessons (or hired someone to). I had a lot of nannies and babysitters that I loved, as well.
As a result, I’ve never viewed a career as optional, and mentally, I don’t default to the position that it’s the woman whose career takes a step back when kids come along. I see that a lot of my peers do, even those who don’t consciously think that women’s careers are less important.
I’m also not at all interested in dating a man who assumes that the woman will take on the primary childcare role (and again, I find that’s an unconscious assumption for many people – even those who think that they don’t believe that). I have always assumed that my future children and future family household will be run through our joint efforts and a lot of hired assistance. That said, it’s also not my preference to be married to a stay at home dad. This is very personal, but I don’t like the dynamic that I often see in couples where one spouse is entirely dedicated to the domestic space, and I would prefer a working spouse (even if I have the “bigger” job, which is more likely).
Cb
I think these implicit assumptions are so important. My childhood revolved around the proverbial village: working parents, grandparents, neighbours, babysitters. My husband’s mom co-parented with his dad’s ex wife (they all lived together and the moms jobshared) so they didn’t have any outside carers. For me as an only child, nursery and pre-school were amazing (new toys! friends! people who liked me!) while for him, he thought it was equivalent to Soviet era orphanages. This was the norm for him so we’ve had some discussions of what will work financially / logistically / emotionally for each of us.
Alana
Yes, as a preschool student, I asked my mother if she could work longer hours so that I would have more time to enjoy with the other kids (no siblings at the time).
cbackson
Yeah, I never wished I had a stay-at-home mom like the other kids I knew. I actually loved the greater freedom I had as a result of not having my parents at every school function/track meet/etc., staying by myself after school or in afterschool care, etc.
I think a critical aspect is being emotionally available and responsive to your kids, even if your time availability is limited.
Baconpancakes
I ended a relationship and cut short a second date after I discovered those guys’ assumptions that my career would take a back seat to theirs. I would love to marry a guy with a flexible schedule, someone who could work from home or leave work as necessary to pick up a sick kid, since I tend to have jobs that are location-dependent and meeting-heavy. Good thing I have a thing for men in tech, I guess?
I was also raised in day cares and with nannies (although we called them full-time babysitters), and I loved having MORE people to read to me. I also think having an “unstable” upbringing made me more flexible and resilient as an adult.
jc
I came from a dual-income household where most of the child rearing and household responsibilities were split evenly (I often remember my dad drying my hair for me as a young child and he did most of the cooking while my mom did the cleaning and shopping). However, my mom tends to hold what I would consider rather traditional and conservative values regarding women, although she has never been outspoken about them (I’ve just picked up on them). I once interviewed her for a class on feminism that I was taking in college and she told me that she never thought she was treated differently in the work place because she was a woman, which I found surprising and possibly some kind of willful blindness? She tried being a SAHM for about two years when I was in middle school and eventually ended up going back to work because she was bored.
Neither of my parents finished college (nor did my brother), but I never felt like it was a choice for me. I always felt like both of my parents equally empowered me to do well in school, go to law school and have a career. I honestly think my dad has been more of an influence in my career choices because he always wanted my sister and I to be able to support ourselves if something happened to our SOs or if we were divorced. I assume this has to do with the fact that his own mother worked two jobs to support six children as my grandfather often went on month long drinking binges and eventually died young.
Lyssa
Interesting topic! My parents had (and still have) very “traditional” gender roles, too – my mom has worked on and off in part-time, entry-level type jobs (mostly retail), while my dad built a demanding career. (Neither went to college and they married and had me young – my dad was a cab driver when I was a baby). I do think that my mom sort of regretted not going to college and she did start taking some classes when I was a teenager and did some work as a paralegal, but she’s never really finished or gotten steady employment with it.
One thing about both of my parents is that, while they certainly generally had good values that I think that they passed onto us kids, they were and still are very “hands-off” about how we live our lives – they would never tell us what we should do or how we should handle career, education, etc. I’ve tried to think back, and I can’t even remember them ever telling me that I should go to college – it was just something that I knew that I wanted to do, so I did it. (I do recall that my mom wanted me to go to community college to start, even after I’d secured a full university scholarship, though I guess that was probably mostly her dealing with her firstborn leaving.) They were always encouraging, but never tried to shape my life.
I would say that I don’t really have a lot in common with my mom, because we have both lead such different lives and because we just are very different in terms of ambition, goals, interests, that sort of thing. It can be a little bit hard to find common ground. I don’t really talk to her about career issues or anything like that.
cbackson
My parents are also pretty hands-off, and I feel like it really helped my brother and I in terms of developing independence around life choices.
Lyssa
Same here! I hope to pass that on in my own parenting.
Miz Swizz
My mom was a SAHM until I was in junior high and she was really poorly suited for it. I think she thought she was supposed to stay home and did so but even as a child, I knew she didn’t enjoy it. It skewed my perception of what a SAHM was and did and I was always kind of astonished that my friends’ moms who stayed home weren’t equally as unhappy as mine.
My mom went back to school, got her BA and MA and has been working part-time since she went back to school. She has encouraged me to get my education and get established in my career before having kids but I think that has more to do with her unhappiness as a SAHM than her upbringing or values.
cbackson
I think it is really, really hard for people to be in a role that doesn’t suit them, and in the past, it was particularly hard for women who were not suited to being SAHMs, since other options were limited.
But I even see this now. I used to go to a big megachurch in which the norm was, strongly, that women were SAHMs, and the culture of the church assumed that they were. I have a friend who still attends; she’s recently started staying at home and she is really, really miserable. To the degree that she needs therapy to deal with it. She’s told me that when her son misbehaves, she just wants him to understand how much she gave up for him. To me, that is a really not-good situation, and I wish that in her day-to-day world, someone would tell her that it’s okay for her to be a working mom. I know that message is out there in a lot of places, but it’s not in her sphere, and it’s clearly not working for her.
Anonymous Poser
IIRC, we live in the same metro area in a state in the Southeastern US. It’s likely I’ve heard of (and know someone who used to attend) the megachurch you are referencing (it could be one of a few and this would be true ;-) ). I don’t know to what extent the culture was a reflection of the theology, but…that thinking, wherever it originates, can be so difficult to break away from. That is a not-good situation, and I will keep her and her family in my thoughts/prayers (working against the idea in the church that, essentially, all women are the same, is a hobby of mine, but that’s a story for another day/time/place).
To check in with the rest of the conversation–I wasn’t raised feminist, per se, and my mother was not employed outside the home. At the same time, I was never told that there was something I could not/was not permitted to do because I was a girl. There were safety tips I was given: Always be aware of your surroundings, meet someone on a first date rather than have him pick you up and drive, etc. But I was never told that because I was female, there were things I was not allowed to do.
mascot
My parents have somewhat traditional gender roles. Both are college educated and worked full time until I was born. Mom stayed home with me and my younger sibling. Dad was the breadwinner and had to travel a lot. Basically someone need to stay home to run the household and handle daily life. But, my mom stayed incredibly active as a “career volunteer” Once we were in school full time, she did substitute teaching as her time allowed. There was always an expectation that we would go to college and pursue whatever careers we wanted. Both of my parents are incredibly supportive of my career and my husband and I being working parents. My mom can’t relate to some of my career/office experiences so I don’t really ask her to. But, she’s great about helping me with mom guilt, telling me that the kid will be just fine, and encouraging me to pursue my career.
platinomad
I can relate to the OP a bit than I think many of the other posters with working and/or feminist mothers. My parents always had a very gender roles traditional relationship, and my mother never worked after she married my dad. Before that she never really had a “career”, in the traditional sense.
My parents both stressed school and achievement, but my mother has always acts like my career is something like a fun pastime I’m doing until I get married and have kids. Shes proud that I’m successful, but there is always this underlying “well, obviously you’ll want to stay home when you have children” that tints our conversations as well as her view of anyone I date (i.e “Would he really be able to support you and kids with that career?!”). On the other hand, my father has always believed that I should be like the CEO of a huge company, and is extremely supportive of my career. He even STRONGLY believes I should marry a man who wants to stay at home, haha.
Obviously, it annoys me when my mother acts like my achievements are additions to my marriage material resume. But I think a lot of this stems from her own insecurities, and from her own difficulty viewing the world outside her own personal experience. I used to feel like I struggled to relate to her, but I realized that there are still plenty of things for my life outside career I want to learn from her. I try to ignore the comments about marriage/children/when i’m going to get a job where I work less, and enjoy the things about my mother that I love and learn those things from her. She is an amazing mother, wife, friend, she always knows how to handle interpersonal relationships and is a great source of advice for that. She always has the answer about cooking, and things around the house, and she is a fountain of trivia knowledge. When I have children, I know she will have excellent advice on parenting. Honestly, it’s just easier for both of us when we just open a bottle of wine and play scrabble, and I just brush off the comments around when and how I’m going to settle down.
cbackson
I don’t get that from my parents (see above), but the idea that a career was a “fun pastime”, as you put it, is still a mentality I encounter from a lot of men and women in my social circle. And I’ve encountered it everywhere I’ve lived (NYC, west coast, south). It’s frustrating.
potatopie
I didn’t realize how much I had internalized this view until I started dating my now-husband in my mid-30s. At the time I made 150% of what he made. The idea of myself as the primary breadwinner of a family was something I had to get used to.
Lorelai Gilmore
YES. I am a feminist, took womens’ studies courses in college, always knew I would have a big, exciting, powerful job – and yet it took me a long time to get accustomed to the fact that I, not my husband, was the primary breadwinner and the financial bedrock of my family.
platinomad
Something I think contributes to this is that nowadays successful/accomplished men are looking for partners more than eye candy, so they want accomplished/intelligent girlfriends and wives. However, the implicit agreement is that the wive’s career will stop or at the very least take a back seat once there are children in the picture. I’m seeing this run rampant among my successful friends in New York, LA, San Francisco, DC (my main circles). None of my successful male friends want to marry hot younger unaccomplished woman anymore, but they still believe the default should be that their career will come first and any other arrangement would take some serious negotiation.
anne-on
Yuuup. I call it the ‘sick day test’ – who is implicitly expected to stay home with a sick child? Most of the time, its the mom.
Anon99
re the “sick day test” – I always feel conflicted about this one because I am the parent who does sick days 75% of the time – because I have a better job, where I make more money and get a lot more PTO. Sometimes it’s as hard or harder to get time away from jobs that aren’t “as good”.
Anonymous
I agree with your comment about mother’s comments as a reflection of their own insecurities. My parents had traditional gender roles and my mom was a SAHM. During her last visit, she spent 3 hours chastising me for not staying at home with my 4 year old (who loves his school and apparently asked her every day why he had to go home early instead of getting to stay for extended care so he could play with his friends more). Even if I wanted to stay home (which I don’t), it’s not an option since I make 4x what my husband does. But logic isn’t enough to stop her tirades about how children should be home with their mothers. Ugh. The only way I get through it is by thinking to myself that she is channeling her own insecurities and/or regrets.
platinomad
My mom is SUPER intelligent, definitely a lot smarter than my very successful father from a IQ perspective, but has basically no experience in the working world and didn’t finish college. I think deep down she has a lot of insecurities about how her life has gone, what she has and hasnt experienced. It’s led her to be much more stuck in her ways than I think someone with her wit and cleverness should be, and ultimately I try to be sensitive to that and let her be the expert when I can and not take it too personally. Something she always told me growing up is that most unpleasant things people say to you are about them, not you. Its sort of funny using that on her, but it works for me.
CherryScary
My grandmother was a teacher (much to my mother’s occasional embarrassment, as Grammy was a substitute in her school) and my mother went into dental, but became a SAHM when I was born. She eventually went back to work part-time once my siblings and I were older, and now also is a ski instructor!
I think one of the really developing moments for her was having a guidance councilor in high school tell her she wouldn’t get into college. She did, won the senior science award, and her studies led to her working abroad for two years! As a result, she really pushed us to pursue the things we wanted to do, sometimes much more than my father. (That’s a whole other issue!)
lucy stone
My mom is a boss (literally now). She has a four year BS degree, worked in a medical-related profession for a while, then went to school at night when I was little. She was office manager at a few medical practices, then worked for a few different companies using those skills. She went to a startup 10 years ago and has about 20 direct reports, earning six figures plus bonus. I credit her with my passion for learning and my parents were always supportive of my education. Her dad told both his daughters they were going to college, which was radical for their religious, small-town community.
My in-laws sound a lot like your mom. My husband and his brothers were encouraged to pursue grad school, but his sisters were actively discouraged from attending college. It’s sad.
First Year Anon
This is interesting. I’ve often thought about this.
My mother quit her job as a teacher when I was born (i’m the youngest). I think she liked it at the time, she was a good SAHM, but now I think she resents it. My mother is smart but she thinks people don’t take her seriously and don’t believe she could have a job. Lately she’s been very “I know more than you” about a lot of things (which makes people not really like her to be honest) in order to prove that she’s smart and capable. Sometimes she does it with me, but it’s more directed toward my father (I could do this better than you at your job, type of thing). Education and having a career was always an expectation in my family for all of my siblings.
The way my mother is has definitely impacted me. I do not want to quit working ever, for fear of being resentful like she is. I am very big into my independence even when in a relationship and having goals and dreams that are my own (i.e., not tied to a family).
SuziStockbroker
My mom is definitely resentful of being a SAHM, and re-entering the workforce when my youngest sibling was 10 (so she’d been out for 18 years and had to go back in, entry level in another field).
My sister and I both have careers, and would never not, at least in part because of this.
TO Lawyer
This is really interesting to me. My mom worked my entire life and probably until I was a teenager, was the primary breadwinner. However, the last 15+ years or so, she’s stepped back so my dad can have the career he wants.
I love that my mom was a busy professional when I was growing up. The childcare duties were always split equally (even if my mom was a bit better at the day-to-day stuff). I grew up with my dad making me lunch every day. I have to admit that the fact that my mother has sacrificed so much so my dad can have the job and life he wants has colored my view of things a little.
Roman Holiday
My mom met my dad while she was on a break from college and she never went back. She was a SAHM while my sister and I were young, then started working part-time. She told me she always regretted never finishing college. While I’d say my parents follow fairly traditional gender roles, they also pushed my sister and me to do well in school, go to college, and they were supportive in every way of our education. College was mandatory for us from day one, husbands and marriage were never really discussed. Now that my SO and I have been together for a few years, my mom is starting to drop a few very unsubtle hints, but she’s generally more interested in hearing about my job than my relationship. Just to make the nature vs nurture comparison, I have never pictured myself as SAHM (no kids yet, so maybe I’ll change my mind), but my younger sister can not wait to settle down, have kids and stop working. Interesting question, and even more interesting to read everyone’s replies!
mothers
Personal relationship with my mother aside, she was always supportive of my (and my sister’s) aspirations. College wasn’t up for debate–it was expected that we go. She was a SAHM until I was in middle school, at which point she went to work part time (still does) 3 days a week. She said, at the time, that it was to provide the means for my sister and I to attend state university with no loans. She succeeded, and neither my sister nor I incurred any loans from undergrad education.
I’ve never really thought about her in a “gender role” sense, because I think she is pretty average. She never told me I couldn’t do something, or that I had to do something, based on my gender and its normative roles. However, she did do a lot of the earlier-part-of-the-century traditional household things, and did not expect my father to pitch in. He did, but more often as an involvement with our sports/extracurricular, rather than on the homefront.
My maternal grandmother didn’t work (to my knowledge–I should ask!) but was diagnosed with MS early in her adulthood, and for my entire life, she was wheelchair bound, and my grandfather (the most wonderful soul there was) cared for her and the house, while keeping a successful job. He hired help for the house to cook/clean and provide some care for my grandmother, but again, the topic of gender roles never really came up.
Anon
My mom stayed home with us when we were little, and then once my parents divorced she went back to work as a teacher. She was always very supportive of getting an education, finding a career, and not relying on a man for support (after what happened with my parent’s divorce). She even encouraged me to NOT be a stay-at-home mom.
However, she has been unsupportive of my actual job. She was very proud that I went to law school and is proud that I am a lawyer, but cannot come to terms with the fact that I am a criminal defense lawyer. So I have basically stopped talking to her about work at all.
anon
My mom’s an academic who worked my whole childhood, although she did work part time from when my younger sibling was born until he went to kindergarten. She has (both parents have) always assumed I would pursue higher education (the family assumption was all children would get Ph.D’s… although I ended up getting a different professional degree instead). Both parents were very active in raising us, and while my mom does more of the traditionally female household tasks (cooking, for example), my dad does an equal amount of household tasks. My mom sometimes mentioned she was upset that her own mother had discouraged her in her post-graduate studies, even though my grandmother did go to college in the 40s (but did not work after marriage). My mom would frequently bring up that when she was growing up, she knew of only about three fields that were open to women, and that when she realized (maybe in high school) that she could actually do ANYTHING, it entirely changed her world.
Zelda
My mom is very religious and traditional in many ways, but she’s also highly educated (math ug, MBA, CFA) and held a series of demanding jobs throughout her career (investment banker, consultant, etc.), so those two things definitely aren’t mutually exclusive! Her mom was also very religious and traditional, but was an educator with a master’s degree. Both of my parents had demanding careers and encouraged education, but my mom was definitely in charge of the house/cooking, whether directly or through outsourcing, and did stuff like pack for my dad every time he traveled. On the other hand, they were very socially conscious in many ways. For example, I remember attending pro-union marches as young as grade school.
People are complicated…
CKB
My mom is a SAHM. Dropped out of school to put my dad through and stopped working when I was born. However, she often took courses through out town’s continuing education and going to university was expected for me & my brothers. However, she always thought I’d be a SAHM like she was. For the first few years of motherhood I worked pt from home. However, when my youngest was about 18 months I had to go back to full time work, and when I called tablet her know I got a job she said “I’m sorry” even though it was keeping our family from bankruptcy. Dh has had a rough time I his career so I have been the main breadwinner for years. I know my dad is proud of what I’ve accomplished in my career (I followed in his footsteps and became a career) but I think my mom looks at my career as a necessary evil because dh can’t find consistent work. She doesn’t really understand how I can love my career. It’s kind of weird. Dh &I have discussed how strange it is that education was so important, but using that education wwasn’t, when I was growing up.
Woods-comma-Elle
I am in the first generation in my family to go to university, but it was never a question of whether or not I would go, my parents never pressured me or expected it, but rather supported me working hard at school and I always wanted to go. My parents have a bit of the traditional gender role situation in the sense that my dad is the higher earner and my mum spent more time at home, does all the housekeeping etc and my dad is definitely of the ‘learned helplessness’ generation. But there has never been any indication that I couldn’t do something because I am a woman or that there are men’s and women’s jobs when it comes to me. My mum is very ‘sexes are equal’ but my dad has a bit more of the old-school ‘funny that such a pretty girl would want to be a sports announcer/professional weightlifter/mechanical engineer/construction worker’ thing but he doesn’t mean harm by it, it’s just what he was used to growing up. They are both super proud of me and my dad is always telling everyone about his lawyer daughter and gender doesn’t even come into it.
KittyKat
My mom was a vet tech/currently is an accountant. She’s definitely established. My one grandma was a teacher the other a sahm. I think I’ve always been expected to succeed simply because I’m the smartest of my siblings, nothing to do with gender.
Anon
Fascinating conversation. My mom has pretty much always worked, and she’s incredibly liberal and feminist. She went to college in the 60’s and was heavily involved in protesting. She’s also highly educated (PhD – she’s a professor). Both of my parents have always stressed the importance of education and have been very supportive of me in terms of my education and career.
However…inside the home, my parents have VERY traditional gender roles. My mom does all of the cooking, cleaning, sewing, decorating, etc. We had a part-time babysitter until we were school age, but aside from that, my mom handled all childcare. In part that was because she had a more flexible schedule, and was able to cut back on her classes/research when we were young… but… still. My father handles all of the finances and any “handyman” work around the house. My mother is actually completely and totally clueless about anything remotely related to money/finance. She has no idea how much money my parents have or what their budget is; my dad just tells her when they need to cut back and whether or not she can buy certain things. She got married in college and never lived alone, so she has never been on her own. Any questions I’ve ever had about finding an apartment, mortgages, insurance, budgeting, saving for retirement/investing, etc. I’ve directed towards my dad (or the hive!). I do feel like a disproportionate amount of work inside the home fell on my mom (as stressful as I’m sure it is to be the only one handling the bills), and she was constantly exhausted when I was growing up. I suppose a lot of that is part of the era in which they were raised (born in the 40’s), but I came away from it thinking that being a working mother is SO IMPOSSIBLY HARD. Which it is! But it could have been less so, I think.
As a result of this upbringing, it is very important to me to find a partner who is willing to share equally in keeping a home/cooking/cleaning/raising kids. I have also focused a lot, especially the past few years, on making sure that I am financially secure and educated about finances. My parents are still madly in love (aww) and will never get divorced, so it’s worked out okay for my mom, but I don’t ever want to be that dependent on someone else.
CPA Lady
My mom is sort of an enigma to me about stuff like this– she came from an enormous, poor, southern family, was the only one of her 12 siblings to go to college, then got her masters degree in chemistry in the late ’60s, when women just did not go into hard science.
She married my dad, who was in the army, and they proceeded to move around every several years. She worked until she had me and then my sister, and was a SAHM until we graduated from college. She then divorced my dad, moved several states away, got a teachers certificate, and taught math and science for a few years, before deciding to retire. My sister followed in her footsteps, got a hard science degree, married a navy guy, then became a SAHM. I did not follow in her footsteps.
My mom really values education and is very independent but is also extremely conservative in some ways– she thinks childcare is a woman’s job, and anything a man does to help out should be lavishly praised, because he’s going above and beyond. I think she’s disappointed that I went back to work and put my baby in daycare, but she’s kept her mouth shut about it, which I appreciate.
Something I learned from watching her example is to never be reliant on a man. She was 100% reliant on my awful alcoholic dad when she was a SAHM, and because of it, she had to stay with him for years and years of him cheating on her and treating her like crap. I saw that, and swore I would never rely on a man. That is part of the reason I decided to go back to work after having my baby and why I got my CPA license– because I wanted to always be able to find a job that would allow me to support myself and child(ren) without constantly worrying about money.
Brunchaholic
This parental dynamic is very similar to mine. My parents were in a very unhappy marriage for many reasons, but one of which was that my mother blamed my father for her not finishing her bachelor’s degree (she does have an associate’s degree, but it has severely limited job prospects for her in her field and my father did not go to college at all). She is an immigrant from a family in which her education was interrupted when they fled her home country, but she had grew up very well off and in a supportive family that valued education greatly. It’s unclear to me the real reason she never really went back for her degree, but I know that she believes it was because of my father and partially because of helping to raise my brother and I. She worked, but it was a relatively low level 9-5 because my father’s income alone could not support us. She openly told me as a child so many times that I needed to get an education and support myself so I wouldn’t be forced to depend on a man and be trapped like she was (in retrospect, that was perhaps not the healthiest mother-child sharing).
As a result: my brother and I are very highly educated and 100% her pride and joy and greatest life accomplishment (only with respect to our education and careers, of course). But she takes literally 100% of the “credit” for our successes and often times treats us not even really as people, but like show ponies. So of course she tries to be overly involved in our life decisions because she sees us as an extension of herself and reflection of her, and I don’t think she’s truly addressed and acknowledged her own personal sense of loss for not accomplishing her own dreams for herself. So of course while we are thankful for all of her sacrifices, we’re trying to urge her to develop her own identity outside of being the “tiger mom” self that she loves to brag about.
So my mom has always encouraged me to work, but much more for self-preservation than because she actually believes in feminism. And although she was technically a working mom, my father very clearly called the shots in our family and their marriage carried very traditional gender roles.
AnonLawMom
My mom has hundreds of employees working for her and my MIL is a tenured professor at a top 20 school. My grandmother has 3 advanced degrees and is a former college professor herself, back when women really didn’t do that. My dad has a PhD and is also a tenured professor. Being a lawyer is pretty much as far down the professional scale I could have gone without them being disappointed.
August
I am an Indian and my mother grew up in very conservative family in India. My grand mother pretty much considered daughters a waste and actively discouraged them from studying. Her reasoning was if a girl studies and takes up a job, then she will earn for her husband’s family. So why should parents spend money on their education? My mother stole money in the house, went to the city where she could get a degree in education, paid tuition and enrolled in college without telling any one in the family. That was the only way she could get her degree and become a teacher. Then she completed her MA as well. She did very well with all the constraints she had. I grew up seeing her always put extra efforts which meant going early to school, staying late in school to take extra classes, to administer practice tests and lot of hours at home grading papers to help her students who were mostly poor and came from uneducated families do well. I think she always was very career oriented. She is also very enterprising and a saver and hence became financially independent at a relatively young age. She always encouraged me to study well and staying at home was never an option. We grew up thinking that we need to have a career and become independent. She is a role model for me and my sister.
cbackson
Your mom is a bada$$. How awesome.
Brunchaholic
I second that. She sounds like a remarkable woman.
Gail the Goldfish
Interesting topic. My mom was basically a SAHM. My dad owns a restaurant, and mom works part time for him doing the books, but it’s very part time. She never really had a career before she met my dad–she was a teacher, but hated it and I don’t think would have kept that up much longer. My dad never finished college, but both my parents were very supportive of education and basically expected me to go to college and have a career. My mother’s disappointment is that I went to law school instead of medical school (I think I’m the first member of my family with an advanced degree. Maybe an aunt with a masters, but that’s it). Having said that, I really wish my mom had a job because now that my brother and I are gone, I feel like she really needs something to do to interact with people and get out of the house. She doesn’t do any sort of charity work, we don’t go to church, etc, and I think she gets lonely, but she doesn’t do anything about it, which is frustrating.
anon
My mom (and dad) encouraged education and achievement and expected that both female and male kids would get college degrees, if not graduate degrees. I have a masters as does one brother and another is an MD and my sister is an RN/BSN. My feelings about working versus a SAHM were formed when my Masters-educated mom tried to return to the work force out of necessity after 15 years as a SAHM and had to start as a retail clerk. So I determined that I would not be a SAHM and my sister is the same way – we don’t want our skills to atrophy.
Anon for this
My mother has almost always worked, but is not at all an advancement-focused career woman. She is very intelligent, but not particularly intellectual — people-smart, if you will, plus impeccable grammar and writing and all that. She has a college degree and did some graduate work. At 60, she has worked in the same low-paying job (around 40k) as a broker/manager at a real estate company for 15 years. She loves what she does, loves the people she works with, and is well-respected, and although she worries about money, she has not actively sought out and/or turned down opportunities to make more at other companies doing similar jobs.
HER mother — my grandmother — worked as a college instructor from her graduation (at age 19!) in about 1938 to the late 1960s. She had a bachelor’s and master’s in education. Again, not a high-paying or illustrious position, but definitely not a traditional role. She was a spitfire.
Mom always expected us to excel academically and encouraged us to pursue our interests. She is sometimes a little dismayed at my sister’s sort of obsessive pursuit of professional glory, but a lot of that is a personality thing. I wouldn’t consider myself a “career woman” because I primarily work for myself and so there isn’t the same institutional process in place by which a lot of professional women measure their success.
(Former) Clueless Summer
My mom was a SAHM (and had always wanted to be one) but when my parents divorced, had to go back to work. She did a college program and got a caregiver-type job, which she was very suited to. If there was ever someone with the temperament suited to caring for others, it is my mom. She has more patience than a saint, is completely unselfish, kind and emphathetic, calming and just generally super nurturing. I’m glad she was able to keep doing a job that used those parenting skills after I was gone. However, despite wanting to be a SAHM and loving it before the divorce, she always pressured me to go as far as possible with my education and to get a high-powered job. I don’t think it’s because she regrets her own life choices, but more because she realized that I was a very different person than she was (she always tells me how I’m so much smarter than she is) and that I would not be suited to SAHM-ing. Her own brilliant mother was forced to quit school and work at age 14 due to financial circumstances but could never leave the alcoholic, abusive husband she married at 18 as she didn’t make enough money to support 3 kids. I’m sure some of that has informed my mom’s hopes for me as well.
Middle Coast
My mom graduated from high school, married my Dad the next week and became at SAHM. Fifteen years and four kids later, my Dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor and was told he had little chance of survival. He survived, but that put the fear of God in both of them so she went back to college for her BA while I was in grade school. She then taught grade school, went back for a masters, became a principal, then moved on to an administrative position in her District before retiring.
Mom & Dad shared household responsibilities pretty evenly. I remember having to do alot more chores than my friends with SAHMs, but my brothers and I all knew how to cook, clean, wash, sew, do yardwork and basic auto repair before we left the household. They also insisted that all of us either learn a trade or get a degree. My parents encouraged us to do what we wanted to, never pushed us into a specific field. We turned out all right.
I was very aware of the crisis with my Dad when it was happening and I never wanted to be in such a position. Thus, I never considered being a SAHM and have had a fulfilling career. My spouse and I share household responsiblities somewhat evenly. His career allows him to pick the projects he wants, but requires him to be away for extended periods. But this also allows him to be at home for extended periods and he tries to work his schedule around our kids. When he’s home, he does all the household stuff. When he’s gone, I do all the household stuff.
Anon
As long as we weren’t breaking the law or partaking in dangerous activity, my mom let us fly our freak flags high. Wear what we want, pretty much eat what we want, participate in whatever sport/activity we want. She told me that she was called to the principal’s office in junior high because I had a disagreement with a teacher on a couple of issues. I was being an obstinate teen basically but she later told me that in her mind, she thought that was a good quality to question authority (and much later in life she told me she agreed with me). At the time, I was punished with extra chores and told I will need to tolerate a teacher for the school year and that I need to be respectful. That was basically how it went.
FWIW we moved around but mostly lived in the Midwest. My mom was born and grew up in the pacific northwest but her parents were from NYC. We were raised as (participating) Catholics. My parents are still married. My mom only worked part-time jobs until I went to college. I am the oldest of 4 but I am the only post graduate degree holder. 3/4 have undergraduates and the fourth is on her way. We are far apart in age 4-5 years each but very close.
But when I hear someone’s mother making snarky comments or pressuring them to marry, or do anything I just hope that if I ever have kids, I will be able to be as non-judgmental as she was. Maybe I would give them the sex talk and teach them about hair and make-up if they are girls.
kellyandthen
I like this dress a lot, especially given the presence of sleeves (and a non-exposed zipper!). I don’t have to wear a jacket at work, so this would work for me there, but I can see it being a weird neckline if you had to put a jacket on top. But a scoop/round neck, collarless jacket might work?
Great pick!
Miz Swizz
I don’t know why it took me so long but I figured out I should be wearing Tall tops and it made me realize that now I need to do some wardrobe refreshing. Any recs for places that offer work appropriate Talls?
kc
Ann Taylor (online only). Their tall dresses also fit the bill!
MJ
Eddie Bauer (but I don’t love their suits–just their T-shirts and some tops–I get all my t-shirts there). Brooks Brothers’ button-downs are cut so long they may as well be talls, Ann Taylor, Limited, BR, Talbots, Boden, off the top of my head. The bane of my existence is places like AT and Talbots, which carry Tall bottoms but not Tall tops. I buy all my jeans and cords at Gap, but don’t like their work pants much. JCrew too, but their quality is so poor for the price that I hardly shop there.
You can also find really long pants if you buy some of Ralph Lauren’s higher end lines, Zara Woman, Layfayette 148 and a few other lines at Nordy’s. LK Bennett cuts very long too.
If you are incredibly long-waisted, try Long Tall Sally, but their quality is hit or miss. It’s for if you are REALLY tall though.
Baconpancakes
I’m slowly coming to the realization that I might need Tall tops, since my arms and legs are so much longer than my torso. I’m ok on most dresses (see: short torso), but it can’t be normal for this many sweaters and button-downs to be bracelet length. Can it? Are Tall tops good for gorilla arms or will they be absurdly long on the torso?
Aerith
It depends on the brand – I’m pretty sure J Crew only adds length to sleeves, but Banana/Gap adjust the entire garment’s proportions.
Mpls
I buy BR and JCrew Talls for the gorilla arms (and extra skirt length). I’ve noticed torso issues on one BR sweater – it was supposed to be long anyway, but the v-neck proportions also seemed off and on Jcrew dresses, where the waist hits lower than I want (but I’m pretty short waisted anyway).
TL;DR – I haven’t found the talls to be majorly out of proportions for most things.
Aerith
Ann Taylor (mostly jackets), JCrew (I find that they are not really tall), Banana, Gap, Loft (good selection), JC Penney, Land’s End, the Limited, Talbots, sometimes Asos, J Jill (never tried it, but my mom does. Not sure if they have tops), NY and Company ( I think it’s only blazers), Boden, Topshop. You will also have success going to a “nicer” department store like Nordstrom or Neiman Marcus – clothing that is meant to be tailored is ususally longer.
Sheepie
You have rocked my world. Tall tops! Who knew!? This could be my solution to all my too short sleeves!
Aerith
Does anyone know of a place where you can buy long chair mats for carpets? I’m trying to find one as long as my desk for my home office (about 6′). So far it seems like I have only one option, American Chair Mats. Why are such boring things so expensive?
anon
Office supply stores like Staples should have them.
Idea
This answer was so obvious to me I just assumed you’d already checked there? I don’t know what expensive is for this item?
Mpls
I think the issue is that the mat usually isn’t 6 feet wide, so you can’t roll the whole length of the desk without rolling onto the carpet. 6 foot wide is probably a specialty size, hence the extra cost?
OP – can you buy two standard size ones and lay them side by side?
Sunflower
You can also have chair mats custom-made at office supply stores like Office Max. You give them the measurements and they make the mat and send it to you.
petite hangers
I know that Alterations Needed & Extra Petite have talked about junior/petite hangers, but the only ones I can find are the super spendy wooden ones. I wear 0/00/xxs/xs tops, and regular hangers are just too wide for them. Does anyone know where I can find the narrower (about 15″) junior/petite hangers?
MJ
Why not try kids’ hangers?
tesyaa
+1. Kids’ hangers are cheap and just the right size.
anon
And, they now make kids’ hangers that are the slim/velvet type.
kellyandthen
Check TJ Maxx/Marshall’s/Home Goods–they always have the kids velvet skinny hangers!
petite hangers
Just got back from TJM, and they had the children’s flocked hangers, but they seem SOO little in comparison. Do you all use them for your blouses? I know I can get away with the adult ones for short/no sleeve tops (and pants, obvs) but I am worried that some of my things with wider necklines would just fall off?
I will try some of my son’s hangers (cheap plastic kid hangers) and see if it works. Thanks for the ideas–I didn’t know that the kid hangers came in the flocked.
AMB
I’m going to San Francisco for th first time in a few weeks with some girlfriends and would love any tips. We’re going to Sonoma one day, likely Muir Woods or riding bikes across the bridge another but will likely have a day without our hostess as she has to work. Any MUST DOS or restaurant/shopping recommendations appreciated!
jc
My boyfriend and I rode bikes across the Golden Gate Bridge and although it was beautiful, it was GRUELING. I am not the most athletic person, but I do work out and I found it really difficult. I’d say drive over it or walk but definitely need to visit, it is breathtaking. I also really enjoyed Alcatraz and the Ferry Building (it is really touristy but I liked it a lot, there lots of cute shops and places to eat).
Some of the places we ate and LOVED:
Bi-Rite Creamery (waiting in line for 30 minutes in the cold but worth it!)
SPQR (make a reservation, very small place)
Namu Gaji
Have fun!
AMB
Eep – I had been hesitant but that’s really good to know, thanks. And thanks for the restaurant recs!
Zelda
As an alternate perspective, my sister and I also biked the Golden Gate Bridge and it was one of the highlights of my summer in SF! We aren’t at all athletic, and it was tough at times (we walked the bikes up some of the really hilly parts) but it was definitely doable and worthwhile. That was years ago (late 2000’s) and I’m still proud of myself for doing it!
I second the recommendations for the Ferry Building and Bi-Rite Creamery. I still miss morning buns, ideally from La Farine. The College Ave location is only one BART stop from the Ferry Building (Embarcadero to Rockridge).
Jules
I spent a few days in SF this summer and stayed in the Mission District, was surprised to see how hip/trendy/gentrified it had become, especially Valencia Street. Lots of cool shops and restaurants, and some great thrift stores. (Mission Street, on the other hand, is still pretty gritty, although it also has a great thrift store and an amazing, vegan traditional Mexican restaurant, Gracias Madre, that non-veg types also should love.)
Union Square is touristy and most of the stores are what you’d find anywhere, but if you’re in that area check out Gump’s for amazing décor and gift items — I can spend half an hour just checking out the $100+ candles — and beautiful but pricey bohemian wear. And the best fabric store ever, Britex, is also in that neighborhood — gorgeous fabrics, if you like that sort of thing, and a whole wall of buttons. (I have a vintage coat that I got at a Goodwill years ago; I paid more for the antique buttons I got for it at Britex than I did for the coat.)
In lieu of or in addition to Muir Woods, you can drive up and then hike at Mount Tam in Marin County — easy to get to, with gorgeous views (unless it’s foggy that day).
Have a great time!
Jules
Oh, and if you don’t have Uniqlo where you live, they have a big store near Union Square that is worth a visit.
Fifty is the New Thirty
We did it for my husband’s fiftieth birthday (actually on his birthday), and we had a little victory dance on the other side because we felt so proud. The ride from the other side of the bridge to Sausalito was more difficult than the bridge itself in terms of cardio exertion (the bridge was flat, but I paid close attention to staying in my lane!), but you are rewarded with puttering around Sausalito if you like and then a lovely ferry ride back to town.
Neighborhoods
One of the exciting things about SF for me is the variety in different cultural neighhborhoods. If Ihad a few days I would explore outside of the traditional tourist centers. Go to the inner Richmond district and poke through the asian stores and shops. Go to the mission and look through bodegas. Go to the Haight and see the hippy relics. Spend time in Golden Gate Park or Ocean beach. Hike around lands end. Eat bahn mi on Larkin st. Watch the frat boys drink at fort mason. Go to big museums, or track down small galleries. So many options, sometimes just exploring a few neighborhoods on foot is just perfect. (And hill walking pro tip – if you see a hill, go two blocks over, you might just be able to skirt around the edge. No need to hike over the highest point usually.)
Anon
I live in SF (25 years now) and have biked the bridge once. I think it’s a pain – tiring and takes ages. Instead,mid take the ferry to Tiburon and eat at Sam’s or Guymas and look at the bridge from the boat and Marin side. Oh and admire it when you drive across it to Sonoma. Food favorites: Zuni Cafe, Outerlands, Flour and Water, Heirloom Cafe, the Commisary. This list changes regularly and people here do use yelp a lot so the recommendations tend to be good. Have fun! Oh in Sonoma go to Cafe La Haye.
AnonLawMom
If you want to hike I highly recommend poking around online for good hikes near Muir Woods (but not the super touristy one). I recently did one that took us all the way down to Stinson Beach. We started at the Pan Toll Ranger Station and went all the way down to Stinson Beach, had lunch at a really cute restaurant (Parkside Café – great food) and then hiked back up. It was beautiful and with the mid-hike meal it was pretty easy. It took about 4 hours total but we went somewhat fast.
Anon
I would suggest the Leatherneck Steakhouse in the Marine’s Memorial Club. I live in a state that is known for some of the best steaks in the country and the quality was comparable. It was also incredibly affordable for the area, provided great views, and the ambience is very classic.
AMB
Thanks so much for all the great suggestions! Vacation planning is helping me survive a sick day on the couch…
What to do??
I’m supposed to go for an interview tomorrow for a job I really want but I just had to rush my cat to the kitty hospital and her prognosis is quite bad, but it will be touch and go for the next 48 hours to see how she responds to treatment. I also just had a cat pass away 2 months ago after 13 years and my other cat is also sick and getting tested next week for some possibly severe problems, so I’ve pretty much been crying all morning in between dealing with the different doctors/specialists. There will probably be more of the same tomorrow and I have no idea how I’m going to be in the right frame of mind for an interview, but it seems too late to reschedule now. Also one of my neighbors works there and put in a good word for me so I know she will want to know what’s going on, so a vague “personal emergency won’t fly,” but we’re not really more than acquaintances and I don’t want to start the waterworks again trying to explain that to her. Any ideas on what the best thing to do here is??
Anonymous
Suck it up and get your act together. Your cat is being taken care of and you losing a job won’t help. Stop making this about 3 cats. It’s one. One cat died a while ago, one is at home, only one is actively in crisis.
It’s really really sad. But it’s also a cat and you only need to get it together for a couple of hours to do the interview. You’re strong enough to do that.
Apples
Whoa. Way harsh, Tai.
Do you currently have a job? If so, go in to work and focus on work stuff – that will make you stop focusing on the cat and help you realize that you can block it out for a while. If not, I would go to a library to do research to prepare for the interview, for the same purpose. You don’t need to sit around all day wallowing, it won’t help your cat. Also, you need to start drying up the tears today so you won’t be all puffy and red-eyed tomorrow. Go right now and make sure you have your interview outfit ready and your resumes printed – if you put off preparing you will make more excuses not to go. It will only take a little while. Unless you are administering IVs or performing surgery yourself, you can spare the time without any harm to the cat. Go and do your best.
What to do??
Thanks guys – I think you’re all right, I just needed to hear it. I don’t have a job right now so blowing an interview isn’t an option, and especially for this I really need to be positive and upbeat. I’m just so afraid of losing it and start crying, or just come across as unenthusiastic, which is funny because I’m not the kind of person to ever be upset by much (pretty much, just pets or people dying).
anon
Compartmentalize, as others suggested. And think about what your answers will be if they ask you any questions re: do you have hobbies/what do you do in your free time so that you don’t lose it.
Anonon
I’m in camp Suck It Up with Anonymous at 11:10. Honestly. Do not tell a prospective employer about the situation/try to move the interview.
ace
Sorry but true — if you’re interested in the job, you need to go to the interview.
AnonLawMom
Agree. It’s harsh but unless the person interviewing you is a cat person they are probably going to have little sympathy for this situation. This is definitely the time to compartmentalize. Use visualization or meditation before the interview to focus your mind where it needs to be for that hour. You can totally do this. I am so sorry about your cat and the horrible timing.
Anonymous
Go to the interview as planned, suck it up for an hour or however long you’ll be in there. Compartmentalize, put on your game face, and do it. FWIW, I had this happen with a death in the family a few months ago, and it really is possible to compartmentalize like that. The more I do it, the easier it is. At the time, I kept telling myself that having one more thing in my life suck was just going to make me more upset later. Basically, when you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. Know what’s good for you in the long run, act on it, and let the good things come to you. It’ll at least not compound your sense of loss.
I’m very sorry about your cat, and I hope s/he will be all right.
Jules
So sorry you’re going through this. I agree you need to try to compartmentalize and put it out of your head long enough to prepare for and get through the interview. (But I don’t agree that “it’s only a cat” — I’ve been there and it is really hard.)
Carrie....
GO. To the interview. No question. You will be judged if the reason gets out for your rescheduling, as I guarantee that some will not be very understanding.
Yes, you need to learn to compartmentalize.
I was in clinic seeing patients, and a doctor colleague came up to me between patients to give me the news of a test my mother had just had. In clinic. As I was about to walk into my next patient’s room. A terrible result. I quietly cried to myself… and then went and saw my patient.
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
Coach Laura
Carrie, that is an awful story. Your colleague sounds awful as a doctor and a co-worker, unless s/he thought for some reason that you wanted/needed the results the exact minute that the results were available!
Senior Attorney
Yep. I’m horribly sorry about your cat, but you need to get a grip and do the interview. If it helps, tell yourself you are dedicating your performance at the interview to your kitties, and then go in there and crush it!
Blonde Lawyer
I’ll be the lone voice of dissent. If you are a crying mess and can’t “suck it up” for an hour you are going to blow the interview. Not everyone has that skill. If your pet had a major emergency the morning of the interview, you would call and reschedule and take her to the hospital. Same if another family member needed to go to the ER. I don’t think you need to tell them what day she first fell sick. If I didn’t think I could stop the tears for the interview (which with pets is completely reasonable in my book) I would call morning of, say your cat is having an emergency and needs to go to the emergency vet and ask if you could reschedule for a day or two later. Just my two cents.
Idea
Whatever you do, don’t.mention.the.cat. Just say it was a personal emergency if you choose this route.
Do not be the crazy cat lady – just.don’t.
Blonde Lawyer
Really? You think someone having a pet that is having an emergency and needs emergency medical care makes them appear crazy? I certainly do not but again, recognize I’m the dissent here.
Saying you needed to buy cat food or bring a stray to the shelter or something could make you a crazy cat lady but needing a trip to the emergency vet for any pet is the same to me as taking a human to the human ER. Again, emergency. Not just she’s limping and needs her paw looked at. But again, that’s just me. A dying pet is 100% a real emergency.
If you think any cat thing = crazy cat lady then I think it is fair to say “take my pet to the ER” instead. Personal emergency sounds way to vague to me. I would think “personal emergency” sounds unreliable more than “emergency trip to the animal hospital” but to each their own.
Aerith
It is awful, but not everyone values pets the same way. Some people may assume that she could just pick up her cat earlier or later, since the cat is already in the hospital. I think this scenario is more akin to visiting someone in the hospital, not rushing someone to the ER – and even then, some people might think you can just drop off the cat and leave because they don’t like cats or have pets and are like, “well, it’s not a child. it doesn’t need a babysitter.” Yes, the situation is sad, but rescheduling the interview may not help – what if things don’t go well? She will still have to interview, and at a potentially worse time.
Senior Attorney
It is a real emergency, but there is a risk that the employer will not be willing or able to reschedule, regardless of the nature of the emergency.
I’m still Team Suck It Up If At All Possible.
Anon99
yeah, agree with Senior Attorney. At my employer we wouldn’t judge you for this or think this wasn’t a ‘worthwhile’ emergency, but it would be hard to get you rescheduled since our interviews are typically 6-7 hours and you meet with 10-12 people.
Anon
I still cry when I think about my dogs’ passing 10 years ago. I would absolutely agree it was an emergency and let an employee take some space when that person was already working for me and we weren’t on the eve of trial or something. But I agree that it just risks appearing like a red flag when you haven’t been hired and they don’t already know and trust you and have a positive opinion of you. That, and the logistical complications.
Everyone needs personal time, everyone has emergencies, everyone is human and has limits- but don’t want to appear like a person who is unreliable or may crumble as your first impression in an interview. Hugs to you and I hope everything goes well.
Anonymous
I think you’re crazy and offensive to consider a pet as important as a person.
BB
Agree. This calls for a little white lie.
Anonymous
Shopping challenge! I am looking for fresh and modern looking booties to wear with skinny jeans. I would really prefer high end designer brands and s*xy but daytime appropriate styles. I can’t find anything I like. Any suggestions?
Anon
I don’t think that booties can be s*xy. They look like hooves.
Roger
Hooves — that’s awesome! I’m crying!
AnonLawMom
Not super high end, but the Vala booties by Vince Camuto probably fit the bill. And you get to save the extra cash!
pockets
Rag & Bone booties, either the Harrow or the Newbury.
Sheepie
Not super high end, but Bandolino makes some cute booties. I’ve also been drooling over the Cole Haan Raquel bootie.
NOLA
These aren’t high end designer, but I love the shape and the details: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-rachel-ankle-boot-women/3737430?origin=category
Another vote for the Valas!
I got a pair of the Valas after seeing all the recommendations here – and I am OBSESSED. They look good with everything. My husband loves them, too – he says they are sexy and classy the same time :)
anon
Does this bag scream diaper bag? I’m in need of a new travel bag – could I get away with using this or should I just drop the $$ for Lo & Sons?
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/skip-hop-chelsea-diaper-bag/3966918?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=300
Apples
I don’t think it is obviously a diaper bag. Also, I bought my OG 2 years ago, and wow, I didn’t realize they have jacked the price way up! I paid like $125!
tesyaa
Looks just like a diaper bag I had from Lands’ End (although mine was blue, and it was 15 years ago). It’s the outside pockets, I think, that give it away.
Jules
It doesn’t look immediately like a diaper bag to me, either. I wouldn’t think twice about using it for other purposes.
Mpls
Doesn’t scream it to me, though if you pointed it out I could see it.
Tangentially related: Vera Bradley products make me think of diaper bags. My mom had a red calico print quilted diaper bag when we were going up, and that’s all I can think about any time I see a (loud print/quilted) Vera Bradley bag.
JMDS
I have this diaper bag, and I don’t love it. I am actually planning on selling it. Too many pockets on the outside, and not enough space on the inside.
That said, I don’t think it looks like a diaper bag and you could use it for travel if it fits what you are looking for.
SC
I’ll be the voice of dissent. To me, it’s obviously a diaper bag. I’m pregnant and have been looking at diaper bags a lot lately, but chances are you’ll run into a new mom or someone else more familiar with diaper bags than the average person.
Also, there are plenty of options besides Lo & Sons, but I LOVE mine. I’ve used it everyday for just over a year (it was a Christmas present), it shows no sign of wear, and it’s easily the most convenient and versatile bag I’ve ever owned, especially when traveling.
Anon
I am currently carrying this bag as a diaper bag. I like it and if it survives will probably use it for work from time to time. Several people have commented that it doesn’t look like a diaper bag when they see me carrying it with baby, for what that’s worth.
Frustrated Anon
We are trying to adopt through our state and just failed the lead inspection because the outside trim on the roofline, 30 feet off the ground is peeling. Really? I understand making sure that there is no lead-based paint accessible to the child but this seems ridiculous. Just had to vent.
Anon
That’s crazy. I live in a house built in the 20s and I’m sure we have lead-based paint all over (so I’m sure some is peeling somewhere). My parents grew up in a house with open-flame propane heaters.
Can they just come back in a month once you fix it? If you are adopting older children, this seems to be really crazy. I at least get the theory with babies and toddlers.
Frustrated Anon
The examiner was nice and will come back but we have to be certified within the next two weeks or we will have to start the entire process all over again. So we’ll have someone repaint the area in freezing weather and it will all flake off in the summer. Such a waste of money.
Blonde Lawyer
It seems extra crazy to me since there is no test to be a biological parent. I agree that we don’t want the state adopting babies out to serial killers or child molesters but beyond a basic background check I think they need to stay out of the rest.
Anon
+ a million. I get basic background screening, but there seem to be SO many unnecessary hoops.
Anon
Riiiiight?! There are people who do drugs, don’t feed their children, and worse and we are failing people because of peeling paint.
L
I’m going to agree with this and quite frankly think this is the type of $&#! that needs to be rectified. If I were the OP, I’d talk to my legislators (state and local), county, local news. Everyone. To deny/delay someone the opportunity to adopt a child because of something like this is just plain wrong.
gov anon
Yep. This is a situation that requires a nice, polite call to your State rep. And I say this as the person who has had to “enforce” similar, sometimes stupid requirements.
Frustrated Anon
Unfortunately I don’t have a representative with any power.
Gouda
Some friends living in an urban highrise were cited for having too many windows. I’m sure if they had lived in a suburb they would have been marked down for having stairs. Good luck!
petite hangers
I have nothing for you, but I hope that it all works out for you. That sounds ridiculous, and I wish you the best of luck.
SuziStockbroker
Me too!
Saguaro
I am organizing my bill paying and tracking for the new year, and have not been happy with my system, so I was wondering what others do. I have all my bills on auto pay, and I use a spreadsheet that I check off each bill after it is paid, to make sure they actually do get paid. In addition, I use a calendar to mark when the bills are due, but the due dates for some seem to change sometimes from month to month, or every once in a while (which I find frustrating). I review the calendar each week, make sure I have accounted for the bill and loosely balance the check book. I only keep what I need to pay the bills in my checking account; the rest is in savings. I am just not happy with this process, and would like to hear what others do.
Anonymous
I have everything set to autopay that’s all I do. The whole point of autopay is that you don’t need to check if it got paid or track the due dates. I keep what I know I need in checking plus another thousand dollars just in case I write a physicsl check or something unexpected comes up.
Anonon
I auto pay the fixed expenses (insurance, car payment, rent) but manual pay things that I like to keep an eye on (utilities, cable, phone). I also keep a spreadsheet with a monthly income statement. It shows my income that comes in on the first, then subtracts the bills, then shows the income that comes in on the 15th, then bills that pay in the second half of the month. Everything that is left over goes to savings and/or DH’s and my “allowance” for the month. It works really well for us.
Anon
I auto-pay everything I can and then forget about it. If something doesn’t get paid for some reason, most companies would be able to see that it was auto-pay and not fault you for it. I usually review statements on things that I am concerned the company will randomly raise the price on (internet provider), but otherwise I am pretty blasé about my auto-pay bills. I have an interest bearing checking account that I make decent interest on so I am never concerned about it being overdrawn.
Aerith
Mine is on autopay. No need for spreadsheets. When I get the next bill, I read it to check it was paid and that it says I’ll be charged automatically and throw it away. I have a cushion in my checking account so I don’t need to worry about tracking/balancing things – I mean, I check monthly, but just to make sure it all makes sense.
Basics
I restructured my system a few years ago and have found one that works for me:
1. I pay all bills out of a single checking account, into which my paycheck is direct deposited.
1.5 (ETA) When I get the mail each night, I put it in a basket on the counter so that all my bills/statements/etc. are in one place.
2. Bills with companies that have proven they can conduct ACH payments from my checking account without totally *#&&ing it up are automatically deducted. (I’m looking at you, Excel Mortgage, who kept deducting from my account after you sold my loan to someone else.)
3. Many other bills are paid automatically on my Amex.
4. I have only two credit cards: Amex and Visa.
5. I balance my checkbook every weekend. I realize this marks me as a dinosaur because I actually sit at a table, with a physical checkbook/register and a calculator, and I make sure that everything the bank (on its website) says happened to my checking account that week matches what I (based on checks I have written and bills I have seen) think happened to my checking account that week.
Once you get into the routine, it doesn’t take very long each week.
SH
I pay all my bills manually in the first weekend of the month. I get paid on the last working day of each month. So the first Saturday or Sunday over my morning coffee, I write my rent check, electronically pay the rest of my bills, and the rest goes into savings/loans. Usually by Wednesday of the following week all my accounts are up to date with the new balances so I know where I’m at for the month. Autopay gives me the willies, so I prefer to do it manually.
Mpls
+1 – I have 5 checks to write (rent, car payment, cable/internet, electric, gas) and one manual account transfer (student loan repayment to my parents). 4/5 checks all get mailed just before the end of the month. It doesn’t take that long, I know it gets done, and it happens for the correct amount.
SC
My system took a little work to set up, but now I pay bills in less than 10 minutes. I set up an email address that all my bills, financial information, and health insurance information goes to, which helps streamline bill-paying and handling other financial stuff each month. I set all of my bills to be due around the same time, between the 6th and 10th of the month. Sometime around the end of the month, I log in to the email address, check how much I owe, and log it in a Google docs spreadsheet. Then I log into my bank account and pay bills from the bank account, setting them to actually be paid the day I receive my paycheck.
I have a few bills that I allow automatic withdrawal on – fixed payments that give me a discount for automatic withdrawal (mortgage, student loans, insurance). I like to keep an eye on utilities, cable, phone, etc. That way I recognize problems like a water leak or just overuse of AC. I can also respond to random increases in my bill or added taxes/fees before paying. For example, my internet bill went up by $4 this month, so I called, asked them to remove a $7 extra, and received $5 off for the next 12 months. Sure, $5 isn’t that much, but back when I used to do automatic payments and didn’t track, bills would escalate quickly with miscellaneous fees and price increases that I hadn’t noticed along the way.
Tapered leg slim pants
I am wearing some today. With trouser socks (it is freezing; cannot do skin) and Air Tali wedges. If you sub out the wedges for flats or loafers, it could be 1995.
Time to get the Rachel haircut and just dive back in to the mid-90s?
Will shorts over tights be the next Thing?
NYNY
Sorry to tell you this, but I saw shorts over tights a lot in the East Village a few months ago. It’s not the next Thing, it’s the last Thing. Also, slip dresses with Doc Martens.
AIMS
Yeah, shorts over tights happened a while ago.
Tapered leg slim pants
The 90s are back!
Sydney Bristow
I pay all of my bills on a single day each month. I find it easiest to just do it all together. I keep a month’s worth of expenses and a small cushion in my checking account in order to do this.
Zelda
What are your favorite sites/blogs for recipes that include calorie counts/nutrition info? I’m trying to be better at tracking what I eat and it’s such a drag to have to enter each ingredient individually or create my own recipes.
Anon
Skinnytaste. It’s the best.
Anonon
EmilyBites, but also a +1 for SkinnyTaste
Anon
I love SkinnyTaste (had the red thai shrimp curry for lunch!), but I have also used Cooking Light. When I was doing Weight Watchers, I found SkinnyTaste extra helpful because it had the points + calories, but now that I’m using MyFitnessPal, I just import the recipes from Cookinglight and while I usually have to adjust 1 or 2 ingredients, it’s been very easy overall.
Sparrow
Pinch of Yum and Prevention RD both post nutrition info.
Impostor Syndrome
How do you ladies deal with impostor syndrome? I recently got a promotion and switched sectors but I’m experiencing impostor syndrome ever since (3 months). I have a presentation tomorrow and I’m extremely nervous about being asked questions. It’s been consuming me for the past week.
L&E
I have an alter ego. She’s super powerful, knows her sh!t, not afraid of people asking hard questions or thinking she’s b!tchy, and she wears great clothes and shoes (duh). She has a bada$$ sounding name, too.
anonymous
This, x1000. I also really struggle with impostor syndrome, but my alter ego comes out to play at times like this. The funny thing is, when I’m not feeling all impostor-y, my alter ego and I really are the same person. It’s times like this when I remember that I’m an awesome (and hyper competent) person. You are too, and now is the time to bask in it!
Anonymama
Even Beyoncé has an alter ego (Sasha Fierce)
who know?
wow, I did not even know this existed. I completely experience this. I love the alter ego ideas…what I’ve been doing is pretending I’m a character from a favorite TV show. (Jamie from Outlander…ha!) Yes, he’s a guy, but he goes in there and does his job no matter what. So I pretend I’m him when I’m really nervous.
Orange Dress - Styling Question
I have the LE ponte knit dress in a lovely orange. I love this dress, but I’m stuggling with how to style it now that it’s colder. I feel like I can’t wear it with black (orange and black tights, black shoes seems too Halloween). Do I do brown tights/shoes? Medium gray? Just wear black? When it’s not frigid out and I don’t need tights, I wear it with leopard flats, but I’m struggling now that it’s cold.
AIMS
I like gray tights. I think brown is too autumnal/70s, black is too Halloween.
Baconpancakes
In general, a surprisingly great look with orange is white or cream. Other favorites of mine, although you have to pair them more carefully: purples, navy.
For tights, I’d see about finding some nude-for-you tights or high denier nylons. I wouldn’t wear brown tights unless they’re lightly patterned or textured, but a heather grey would look nice, particularly with grey shoes (if you have them). I can’t find the dress you referenced, but if the orange is more dusky orange, or more on the yellow end, black would work fine.
Lorelai Gilmore
I was just thinking that navy tights and shoes would look really great, especially if you found a scarf or earrings or something to tie the whole thing together.
Duchess
I have an orange dress that I wear with a kind of cafe au lait colored sweater that has some metallic gold in it. Then I go with lots of gold jewelry, and usually cafe au lait colored tights and cognac boots. I think it’s pretty, but not overly autumn like someone said about brown.