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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 196 Comments · by

Suit of the Week: Halogen

Suit of the Week |

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Halogen Trim Detail SuitFor busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. I've written of my love of light gray pants before, but this light gray suit takes the cake, particularly for spring and summer. I like the grosgrain trim detail on the pockets and lapels of the blazer — as well as the pockets of the matching pants and the side of the skirt. For tops, I'd wear it with just about any jewel tone (especially a garnet or ruby red) as well as a dark neutral (dark gray, black, navy) starting around mid-February, and move to pastels and creams as we move into March and April. The blazer (Halogen Trim Detail One-Button Suit Jacket) is available in regular and petite sizes 0-16 for $138, and plus sizes 14W-24W for $148. The pant (Halogen Straight Leg Suit Pants) and skirt (Halogen Trim Detail Suit Skirt) come in regular and petite sizes for $88 and $68, respectively, as well as plus sizes for $98 and $78. Light gray women suit (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

    • Zelda

      Spray the entire thing with lacquer. Smaller pieces can also be painted with clear nail polish.

      • BB

        Great idea! I have a pink necklace I got in Thailand at some point that looks awesome, but leaves pink marks all over my neck if I sweat. Gotta try the lacquer.

  2. Halogen Suiting

    I bought a Halogen suit (skirt, pants, blazer) last year. The jacket and skirt are lined. The pants do well for my skinny pear shape (and the legs are a nice break from skinny pants).

    My office is business casual (drifting towards casual), so I didn’t need a suit. But I wear it all the time. For $ per wear, I don’t think that Halogen suits can be beat (and I wear the skirt / pants by themselves a lot). I also wear the suit a lot with more casual tops and fun shoes (loafer pumps in fun colors).

    • kc

      Pay off $7,000 (principle) of student loans. This is hard as 2 of my loans have interest rates over 7% (one is at 8.5%) and they’re not private! Which is crazy to me. Save enough of an emergency cushion in my personal savings account (DH is aware of it) and then switch that over to our joint savings. I would never expect this to happen, but I’ve heard too many stories of women not being able to access money during emergencies. Combine our finances since we got married.

      Does anyone ever feel frugal fatigue? I put almost all my money towards bills, loans (I overpay every month), and savings that there is little for personal fun things (shopping, pedicures, trips to visit girlfriends). I hardly ever go shopping and it’s depressing.

      • same here

        Yes, I feel this way frequently. I make more money than I ever have before, but yet I it feels like I have less disposable income. I have to treat myself sometimes. But “frugal fatigue” is a good way to put it – exhausting.

      • emeralds

        I was just thinking about this. I’m in a lower-paid field (education) and while I’m diligent about saving, and have made some major compromises for very low living expenses, I still feel like I will NEVER meet my financial goals. Sometimes I get so discouraged by how slowly my retirement and savings accounts grow that I wonder if it’s even worth it. (Obviously I know it is. But still.)

      • Houda

        I have a different background but I share the feeling. I only had to pay for my master’s degree so we can say first 2 years of work, the focus was on paying off these bills and starting to pay for my apartment.
        Now, 3-4 years after paying off my master’s, I am at the highest earning point I couldn’t even imagine and yet I still have a very old hand me down futon, I do not go out for afterworks because it’s expensive and I do not have a car (pubic transportation is unreliable).
        I ask myself almost every week how come people with less income live better.

    • Zelda

      Thanks for the feedback! I’m also a pear, so I’m always on the lookout for pear-suitable clothing recs.

    • lawsuited

      You know you can just say you’re a pear, right? No one’s going to freak out if you’re something other than a “skinny” pear, I promise.

        • Anonymous

          To pay about half of my outstanding debt off – by making payments of over $5,000 a month and directing all of my biglaw bonus to them. Got to love those law school loans

          • Anonymous II

            Gotta love those big law salaries! $5K a month? What little hope there is for the rest of us to pay off our loans!

          • Anonymous

            Yea, but I expect that you get to have a life. In exchange for making enough money to pay off my loans, I couldn’t tell you the last time I left the office before 8pm or had a weekend off (putting aside a one week break for the holidays). I’m not sure the tradeoff is worth it – and I would happy take a government job tomorrow if I could get one.

    • Maddie Ross

      Rebuild savings after selling one house at a loss (on paper) and purchasing a new one.

    • Planner and dreamer

      Good question. Mine are:

      Savings:

      Priority 1: Max out 401(k) in the first half of the year. Who knows what’ll happen to my employment situation in the second half, so I want to have this done.

      Priority 2: Pay off 20-30% of my mortgage. This is going to be a stretch (and will depend on if I’m still at my job in Dec to get a year-end bonus) My goal is to be mortgage free before I set up shop as a solo, so this is a priority over the next few years. If my solo practice takes a while to take off I can live (extremely frugally) off the income from the rental unit in my house. At least it’ll cover food, utilities and property taxes.

      Priority 2: Sock away some more $$ into index funds. I’m comfortable with my quick-access emergency fund in liquid savings accounts at the moment (it’ll cover probably 4 months of lean expenses), so I’m comfortable having the rest of the cushion in a Vanguard S&P500 index fund. Some more risk involved, but there’s also an opportunity for the dollars to work for me by gaining value and producing dividends.

      Budgeting:

      -Cut down driving and save on gas costs.
      -More DIY, less outsourcing
      -More cooking, less eating out
      -Very limited clothes shopping – shop my own closet more.

      Some big anticipated expenses this year include a move (to the house with the mortgage, see above, which I’m currently not living in), probably some vet bills and possibly having to replace the truck I use to tow my horse trailer. Otherwise my primary vehicle is new and under warranty. I have lots of airline miles so I’ll try to use those for any trips.

      That’s about it. These goals are obviously specific to me being single, having expensive animals, and wanting to get out of the biglaw grind. I’m on my own and also very risk averse (I grew up in a financially precarious situation, and I’m determined to never put myself in that situation), so lots of careful planning will go into this.

      • SoCalAtty

        Oh, horse expenses! I’m in the process of selling mine now. Unfortunately, I need to take a break and focus more on my student loans and saving up for another house. Such a huge bummer.

        • Planner and dreamer

          Ha, yes. Just last month: dentist, chiropractor, vet, new shoes, saddle re-fit and lots of grain. All stuff I wouldn’t spend on myself!

          • Houda

            I didn’t know horses had chiropractors. Honestly, I come here mostly to learn about lifestyle because I don’t see myself buying any of these brands not available in my country.
            I’m never disappointed as I always learn something new.

          • SoCalAtty

            Oh yes – Chiro, PT, acupuncture – when the darn thing is worth as much as a house (anywhere but California) they are very well taken care of!

    • JJ

      We’re paying off the remainder of my student loans this year – and then starting saving for a down payment on a new house. Woo!

      Also, I’m on a clothes-shopping ban until spring. Mostly just to see if I can do it.

    • Anonon

      BUY A HOUSE! So freaking close to having the down payment and enough of a cushion after the deal is closed. I’m in a very HCOL area… pretty sure I will cry tears of joy when this is done.

      • BB

        +1 This is me, too! Super HCOL area. Kind of frustrated at myself for not saving more for a down payment because my salary is more than enough to cover the monthly payment for a much larger place. :( But at least I will no longer be throwing away money on rent! Good luck to you!

      • roses

        +1. We have the downpayment for a mortgage that we’d be comfortable paying every month, but the market has been sooooooo slow this winter in the areas we want to buy in…can’t wait to find a place that we truly love!

    • Jennifer

      Save over 40% of my income. I’m finally making real* money after a pretty lean start a few years ago, and I spent more than expected last year on lifestyle creep and all the purchases I had been putting off for years but could not put off indefinitely (new computer, some furniture, some better quality clothing when some beloved pieces wore out). There is a happy medium in my spending levels, and I want to settle into that this year.

      *not much compared to some here, but certainly enough for my lifestyle, career, and experience/education level.

    • Anon

      Reducing the budget in two main areas: food (both eating out and groceries) and gifts. I was looking for a part time or weekend job but once I looked at the numbers I realized it would be smart to instead use this time to plan menus/look for coupons and hand make gifts or at least shop for deals.

    • Clementine

      – Rebuild Safety Net – We bought a house and had some over and above unexpected expenses. Right now, our safety net account is rather bare bones and we’d be forced to dip into our retirement funds/LT savings if real financial emergency struck.

      – Pay off Car – This should be done in March! (0% interest rate means that there’s no incentive to pay it off early

      – Pay off 50% of our student loans. This is a reach, but without a car payment and with some (hopefully) reduced expenses, it will hopefully happen. My husband and I have roughly equal amounts of student loans (currently $30k total), but I make a government salary and he took a significant initial pay cut last year to get a job with better long-term potential so this is a reach for us. We’re not willing to reduce our retirement savings to do this and we do still need to cushion our emergency fund, so this is my big financial goal.

    • ANP

      Build our savings account/emergency fund to $40,000. We’re at just under $20,000 right now so it’ll be a (difficult) stretch, but doable. We also want to make modest investments — mostly DIY-level — in our house (mostly aesthetic stuff like paint and rugs), which will be slow going.

    • Lynnet

      Figure out the basics of retirement planning and develop a long term financial strategy. Right now we’re not doing anything wrong, there’s just nothing intentional about it. We put money into my 401k and his IRA, but don’t really know what the difference between them is, what the max is, or which we should max out. Same with everything else, we have money in savings, but it’s just sitting there, we’re paying down more than necessary on all our debts, but mostly just by rounding up to the nearest whole number.

        • Lynnet

          Completely abandoned in the face of our extreme lack of frugality over the holiday season. We’re only now getting our discretionary savings (is this a thing?) to a point where I can even let myself think about it.

    • Diana Barry

      – Buy fewer clothes!
      – Do more meal planning and spend less on groceries.
      – Save save save so we can build a shed on our land.

      • Zelda

        I’m also trying to do more meal planning for both financial and health reasons, focusing on planning at the end of the week, shopping on Saturday and cooking on Sunday. I want to make two main dishes that can be lunch and dinner for most of the week.

        I’ve been doing really well this week with rice bowls (Mexican and Asian style), mixing up the add-ins based on the style of food and what I’m craving for that day.

    • Zelda

      -Tithe
      -Max out 401 k
      -Max out IRA
      -Build up additional retirement savings
      -Pay off all debt

    • finance basics

      I’m in a much smaller boat than most of you other ladies–I’ve never been financially savvy, and neither has DH. This year our goal is to take over our finances (rather than having them lead us around) and stop living paycheck to paycheck. We have no savings or emergency fund whatsoever. We are simply paying for our current expenses, and applying money to what little debt we do have (some student loans, some medical debt).

      If we can squirrel away some money into an emergency fund/savings/retirement/529/vacation, then I call that a win. If all we’ve managed to do by the end of the year is to be completely comfortable with our financial management and be ready to start diverting funds into savings, then I call that a win too.

      We are about midway through our trial of YNAB, and we’ll be purchasing soon.

      • Wildkitten

        You’re not the furthest behind, FB! My goal is to pay off (some) of my credit cards. It took me a while to find a job after law school and my CCs provided critical support to me during that time and now I need to pay them back.

      • anon a mouse

        You can do it! Getting control of your finances is so empowering, regardless of the size of your paycheck.

    • Topanga

      -Max Roth IRA (done!)
      -Max HSA (set to max with payroll deductions!)
      -Max 401(k) (set to max with payroll deductions!)
      -Consolidate financial accounts (already combined old Roth IRA with new, moved personal investments into one account, just need to rollover 401(k) from last job!)
      -Either get promoted at current job or find new job (possibly both, as the first will help the second)
      -Save $30K outside of retirement accounts (not doing so well on that one so far, but it’s still January)
      -Learn how to cook and stop spending so much money on eating out (not doing great on that one so far either)

    • AnonLawMom

      My base salary is about to go down about 30% because I am going in-house. So my goal is to learn to live on that salary without eating into savings and come to peace with the fact that I will probably not be meeting any other financial goals in 2015.

      • ace

        Good luck in the transition! I hope to follow you on a similar path soon, and I still struggle to wrap my head around the dramatic change!

    • Must be Tuesday

      (1) Max out my contributions to (newly set up) work retirement plan
      (2) Pay for my wedding in summer 2015
      (3) Save for a yoga teacher training, which is ~$3k. I need to wait until a training at my preferred studio is scheduled that doesn’t interfere with my wedding or other projects I have on the horizon. So I probably won’t actually register for a training until 2016, but I want to have the fees ready to go.
      (4) Save enough for a much-needed bathroom renovation. I still need to get some estimates to have a better idea of how much it will cost.

    • Houda

      Priority 1:
      Finally fix and furnish my apartment. Been living here for 4+ years and I still have no furniture and plumbing / electricity is falling apart. I have never been able to save enough each month to fix something. But this year, I started with a home improvement envelop and am very serious about keeping it full all year.
      Priority 2:
      Have a savings account with more than $200 in it. It has been months I have such a minimal amount. Any emergency I could think of requires a lot more than a couple hundred dollars to be solved.
      Priority 2.1:
      Save the equivalent of 12 months of living expenses + mortgage in provision of potential job loss.
      Priority 3:
      Start saving for a car because relying solely on public transportation is not safe, stops me from doing many things and is very frustrating.
      Priority 4:
      Start a special savings fund for a side project.

    • Blue Anne

      I want to start house shopping by the end of the year. :)

      We’ve got about £10k put aside so far for a down payment, and probably want to raise another £8k-£10k. Between the two of us DH and I are pulling in about £40k after tax, we both have pay bumps coming up in the near future, and I get about a grand a year from my late father’s estate. I don’t have any debt at all and DH only has very modest student loans at a practically nonexistent interest rate. So… we’ll have to be disciplined but I think we can do it.

    • Burgher

      It’s going to be rough this year since we will soon have 2 in daycare. However, I should still be able to pay off my small remaining student loan balance this year and continue to contribute to building up our emergency fund. It will definitely be easier once the loan is gone and I can funnel that into savings!

  4. Baconpancakes

    Thanks for showing the plus-sized photos, Kat! That suit looks great in both sizes.

    I need to step up my hat game. What are everyone’s favorite hat styles to look moderately professional during their winter commutes? Fashion takes a back seat to warmth, of course, but I think my striped muffin-shaped pom-pom hat is mayyyybe not the best choice.

    • TO Lawyer

      I currently am wearing a wool fedora which does help blocking the wind but probably not the warmest option. I used to wear a wool beret which I liked because it didn’t mess up my hair.

    • Filson

      I have a fleece / shearling lined hat from Filson with ear flaps (and ties) that I wear when needed. Not a fascinator by any means, but my ears were getting so cold that they hurt.

    • Mpls

      I have a knit hat with a brim (actually 2, in diff colors) – North Face, maybe? I have a big head, so structured hats are a lot harder to find.

    • knit in the round

      I knit hats in the round so that they’re basically gathered tubes. They end up with a shape much like a cloche because they have a rolled “brim”, and depending on the yarn and how tightly they’re knit, it can be really very warm. I tend to make my own hats because I have a tiny head and all of the hats I ever find seem to be way too big for me.

    • anon

      I’ve mentioned this before but as a size 14, I’ve started looking at the plus-size photos of the item(s) I’m interested in. It gives me a much better idea of what the item will look like on me. Thanks for showing both plus and regular Kat. And I like that Halogen usually comes in petite (height) size.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think its professional, but I love my two knit hats from Wool and the Gang. They are so cozy and comfortable and they are large enough that they don’t mess up my hair.

      Another semi-professional choice is a cashmere knit hat from J. Crew or similar.

    • Anonymous

      I have knitted wool felted hats with a small brim. They are a tad hard to fit when you’re felting but easy peasy to knit.

  5. Senior Attorney re Ski Gear

    I have been invited to spend a few days at New Guy’s condo at a fairly-nearby ski resort next month (!!) and part of the deal is that I will be skiing for the very first time in my life. Obviously I will need to procure proper clothes but I have no idea what that should be, or where I should shop.

    I looked at a couple of online rental places, but they seem pretty expensive and I worry about fit. So… all you skiers out there, what do I need, and where should I get it?

    Bonus question: where should I go for skiing lessons at Mammoth Mountain in California?

    • LilyB

      each ski resort will have lessons so check the website of the resort you’re going to.

      you will need, at a minimum, ski pants (OR track pants over sweatpants so you can at least stay dry), very warm (but not very thick) socks, a base layer (synthetic long-sleeve shirt), middle layer (like a fleece), and ski jacket (a puffy coat works too but must be short- not covering hips). You can and should rent your helmet, skis/poles and goggles if you need them. Also gloves (the moisture-repelling kind) and a hat if you will not be wearing a helmet (but you should wear a helmet). I like ski bands because you can wear them under the helmet. Do not wear a scarf unless it’s a snood-type because you don’t want it flapping around.

      • Bewitched

        I would highly recommend ski pants. You are new at the sport, you are going to fall and you don’t want to be wet! Plus, some ski resorts could still be making snow (or getting the natural stuff) and snow blowing equals snowy chairlifts which equals wet pants. Agree that you could likely borrow a ski jacket for the weekend and shop your closet for the rest of the stuff. I love my turtle fur neck warmer if it’s really cold.

    • Maddie Ross

      These are my necessities – base layer – wool socks (bonus if they are the ones for skiing with padded shins, but just tall ones are ok – I like the “Darn Good” brand or SmartWools), glove liners, running tights or long-underwear, some type of wicking material long sleeve shirt. Then a parka, gloves or mittens, snow/ski pants. Necessity in my book is a helmet, but they can be rented. If it were me and I didn’t have these things, I would probably see if I could borrow the parka, snow/ski pants, helmet and goggles. I would not buy those unless I was sure I was going to do this again. Base layers can be worn for other things and are likely things you have or could use.

      • Maddie Ross

        I’ll add, as for where to get stuff, my favorite places online to shop for ski stuff are 6pm and Sierra Trading Post. REI is awesome online and in store – probably the best place, particularly if you’re willing to put some $ into it.

      • Miss Behaved

        For base layers, you can wear yoga pants and a fleece. I ski on the East Coast (read: very cold) and I don’t even use glove liners.

        If you feel the need to buy some of your gear, TJMaxx has ski pants. If you have a parka, wear that. I actually ski in my thigh-length hooded puffer coat from Land’s End. Goggles are key. You should also get a neckwarmer.

        I just put on most of my gear to walk to the supermarket. We just had a blizzard here.

      • May

        Turtle Fur is the warmest brand on the market, bar none (at least for head/neck/camp/hike gear) . I have had my Turtle Fur neckwarmers annually renewed per ski season. You can tuck them under your goggles, etc. and now they have comfort shell tubes / the totally tubular which comes in super chic patterns and doesn’t mess up make up as badly or leave any fleece fluff on your face or in your hair.
        They are also moving into the Spring and Summer launching in March of 2015 which is great. They have the Original Turtle Fur Fleece, which has been made more performance-focused through an upgrade to a material called Comfort Shell. Comfort Shell is sweat-wicking and thin, keeping warmth in and wind out. The UPF 50+ factor is also a big win – so in essence, Sun Shell will be the summer-version of Comfort Shell.

    • Man-hoarding

      Don’t ask my husband. He has been skiing exactly one time, ~8 years ago and has a closet of gear to show for it.

      Ear band, good gloves, good socks, short jacket, and layers. And SUNSCREEN!

      ALSO: do not lie about your weight when renting skiis. They use this to set your bindings. Silly high school girl that I used to be learned a lesson about vanity the hard way.

      No reason not to do a lesson.

    • L

      I went skiing for the first time in my adult life and I wore a pair of leggings with a snow pant over them (got them from Amazon). I also wore a thin long underwear top and a medium weight long sleeved t, under a LL Bean fleece/rain coat (they zip together). I get hot when I exercise, so it was the perfect amount. Definitely get waterproof gloves! I rented a helmet, skis, poles, and boots. I skipped goggles because it wasn’t snowing too hard, but my SO swears by them. The resort will have a ski lesson option; if you know your dates you should try to book a lesson now.

      The biggest thing I wish I had known was to stretch a lot more than normal before hand, but the best thing I did was schedule a massage for a day after. My legs were very grateful!

    • Anon

      Unrelated to gear – the advice I received as a beginning snowboarder, and now give to others, is that you should do lots of squats, pushups, and dips in preparation for your trip, because those are the muscles/motions you’ll be using to pick your beginner butt off the slide of the slope when you fall :)

      • Senior Attorney

        Thanks! I have mentioned the upcoming adventure to my trainer and he is on it! ;)

    • momentarily anonymous

      Can you borrow from a friend? I frequently lend my ski gear out to similarly sized friends who are trying skiing/snowboarding for the first time. I have two sets (my mom’s hand-me-downs from the 80s which are actually reasonably back in fashion, and a newer set purchased in high school).

    • Anonymous

      1) Wicking Base layer (I wear workout leggings + LS work out top);
      2) Snow pants (you will fall- you need these)
      3) Ski jacket/coat/hardshell
      4) Ski socks (Smartwool padded ski socks are the best. They’re pricy, but ski boots are uncomfortable and the extra cushioning really does make a difference);
      5) water-resistant gloves (again- you will fall).

      REI and Sierra Trading post will have all of these. I’d also try 6 pm.

      Rent a helmet + boots/poles/skis. Goggles are optional, but they really help with snow glare and keep your face warmer if it is really cold.

    • Apples

      Definitely rent/borrow/buy goggles. The sun reflecting off the snow can be blinding (or migraine-inducing) and sunglasses fog up. I think goggles are essential.

      Also, even if there are other options for lessons than those offered at the “ski school” at the mountain you are visiting, I would go with the ski school lessons – often they include the cost of your lift ticket, which you would have to purchase separately if you used a different vendor.

      Finally, the saying “friends don’t teach friends to ski” exists for a reason. Even very good skiers usually do not know how to articulate what you need to know in a way that you can learn it. Plus, your SO is probably used to going fast, and waiting for you while you learn is almost always eventually frustrating. A lesson is a very good idea.

      PS: book a massage for the next day!

      • Senior Attorney

        Thanks, Apples. Yes, “friends don’t teach friends to ski” is exactly what New Guy said when he invited me, conditional on my agreeing to take a lesson or two!

        I do think, however, that friends can and do give one another massages… ;)

        • Pink

          Yes, lessons are the way to go.

          Borrowed ski pants should work if you have friends with pants. I wore leggings under the ski pants.

          Most important are outer layers that are water repellant, and layers generally. I once had to lend an extra middle layer because a newbie’s outer layer had completely soaked through.

        • Anonymous

          My recommendation is to spend the extra $ for private ski lessons.
          You get undivided attention, which you need since just starting.
          You will learn faster and be more confident.
          Plus, from my experience, male ski instructors are all-around great guys.
          Let’s keep New Guy on his toes and primed for hot tub/massage time!

    • SoCalAtty

      Woo hoo! If you have time to order online, check REI Outlet and Sierra Trading Post. Second the base layer, warm but not thick socks, and ski pants recs. I also like turtle fur for my neck – a little tube thing that fills in the air gap between your jacket / hood.

      I must be old, the helmet rental idea threw me off!

      Also seconding the lesson recs. I know how to ski, am probably a solid intermediate, and I still take a lesson at the beginning of each season just to tune things up and work on whatever needs work.

        • Anon

          And remember – you will be wearing long underwear (or similar) under these and you’ll be moving around actively (and falling, and squatting), so you’ll probably want to size up a bit.

  6. Anon_mama

    Resume question: I was selected for a leadership development program at my company. Only 15 people (out of about 7000 US employees) are chosen each year, so it’s somewhat of an honor. Should I put this on my resume? If so, how?

    • Award

      I assume that this was a competitive process i.e. you submit an application and then they choose. I would put it under a heading like “Award(s)”, FWIW I am in higher ed where things of this nature sometimes come with some grant money so that would seem appropriate. Alternatively, you can put it under “Professional development activities” or something close, you could still find a way to add a few words to convey that this is a competitive thing. Hope that helps

      • Anon_mama

        Thanks! I was nominated by the VP of my division. There was no application on my part. Does that change your answer?

        • Award

          No, it still doesn’t change my answer, there are awards like this too in some professional societies and in higher ed where someone is nominated. If someone thinks of nominating you that says something. Congratulations!

        • sweetknee

          I don’t think it changes the answer. I have a little spot under each employer on my resume that says : “significant achievements”..that’s where I would put it.

    • Niktaw

      I would put it under the “training and certifications”, or equivalent, section of the resume. Leadership development courses in most large companies are nomination/invitation only; higher-level managers know about this, so the honor part does not need to be spelled out.

    • West Coast

      I would add it as a bullet point with your other accomplishments and day something like: selected to participate in x leadership program, a program limited to 15 people company wide. It is important to give context.

  7. LilyB

    Ladies- I need an AMAZING chili recipe that’s vegetarian (bonus points if it includes a meat substitute in it so I can try to fool the carnivores). It’s for a “chili bowl” competition on Sunday. As the only vegetarian in the group, everyone is poking fun at the fact that I have no chance of winning because my recipe won’t have meat in it. I’d love to prove them wrong! Ideas?

  8. language skills

    I have a french language qualification that I sometimes list on my resume. I can read the language well but can’t speak it well. I am applying for a position in a location where the language is sometimes used but for the job only English is required.I chose to list the qualification because in the past I encountered a position where English was required for the job but French was listed as “desired”, when I spoke with the recruiter he said it was because they preferred someone who knew the language so that they would have an easier time navigating social situations. But after asking someone to review my application materials for this position I realized that someone people might see the diploma listed and think “oh she’s fluent”. I’m now wondering how to convey the level of mastery I have in a more accurate manner since just listing the qualification alone looks like it could send an inaccurate message.

    • Not a Lawyer

      Maybe you could say “intermediate French” or “written French.”

      • M

        Agreed with “written French” or in the skills portion of your resume adding: Languages – French (proficient, written or whichever other qualifier you choose to use)

    • Basics

      Mine says: conversant in Language 2, reading knowledge of Language 3, basic knowledge of Language 4

      • anon

        I have a “Languages” section that says “Language X – Fluent, Language Y – intermediate, Language Z – reading knowledge.”

  9. OttLobbyist

    How do you all respond politely to people who keep telling you that you look tired, when you are in fact not tired at all, and feeling quite good and chipper (and thought you looked quite nice when you left the house today, and yesterday)? It’s getting really frustrating.

    • Wildkitten

      “F*ck off.” People who are repeatedly telling you that you look tired are too dense to comprehend things expressed politely.

    • Apples

      This, for me, is definitely a Miss Manners “quizzical eyebrow” (that’s not what she calls it but I can’t remember right now) situation. Just raise an eyebrow at that comment and change the subject.

    • kc

      I say “No that’s just my face” and follow it up with a lighthearted laugh. Obviously wouldn’t say this to our CEO…but it works for mostly everyone else.

      • Monte

        Most of the time, I don’t feel the need to be polite in these situations, because telling someone they look tired isn’t a nice thing to say…but if I were feeling generous, this is how I would respond (and in fact have responded).

        Under normal circumstances, I just say, “Thanks.” It gets the message across when said without inflection.

    • Anon

      I get the same thing except w/r to my RBF syndrome (resting bit#@ face – Are you mad?). I would just respond why do you say that? And then say you got 10 hours of sleep and feel great.

    • Anonymous

      It’s so rude. It’s basically a way of telling you you like $hit. My assistant says to me all the time “oh, poor thing, you look so tired today” even on days where I’ve gotten 9 hours of sleep and feel fine. When I respond “nope, not tired!” she sometimes says “But your face is so….puffy.” Yeah, that’s just my face, thanks. Ugh. It’s the worst.

  10. Anonymous

    DH has had problems with time management in the past. He was fired and reported to the law society for failing to take action on a file (he forgot to file something and then ignored the file as that lapse caused more problems). Since then he was put on medication for ADHD and seemed to be doing better. I recently found out that he forgot to file something again, he filed it eventually but it was not done correctly resulting in problems. He’s not being upfront with me about what is going on (no idea if the mistake was or should be reported) and I sense his mistake is bigger than he is letting on. I’m just really tired of this nonsense. Suggestions?

    • Anonon

      It is not nonsense. My DH has ADHD. It’s a real thing. I’ve learned (and I hope you come to, also) that I can’t help him professionally. What I can do is set up home so that he feels good/successful. I have also helped him work through non-medication strategies. Consider seeing an adult ADHD specialist. Ours has worked wonders – only DH sees the specialist, but via email the doctor has referred articles and things to me. There’s a whole world of research/reading about being the spouse of someone with ADHD. He’s also helped DH talk through strengths and weaknesses, and ultimately been the one to help counsel him on the professional side. All I can wish you is patience – if he truly is suffering from ADHD, you have to know it’s not his fault.

      ETA: I have no learning disability, nor did anyone in my immediate locus until DH entered the picture. It took a long, long, long time for me to get to this level of understanding/peace/support of him in the face of his “nonsense”. With acceptance, patience, and willingness on both of your parts, you’ll get there.

      • mascot

        +1. I have a sibling who was diagnosed as a child and still struggles some as an adult. Also, ADHD medications can help, but they aren’t a miracle cure. If he’s also got some depression or there are other problems in his life/marriage, he needs coping skills for those. And likely needs better supports in place professionally to make sure that he if he slips, there are some nets.

      • Anon for this

        +1. I have adult ADHD and I know it’s not nonsense, but I also have an internal monologue constantly questioning if I’m just lazy or irresponsible. The last thing you should do is become an external trigger for that sort of thing in him.

    • cbackson

      I think that I remember your earlier posts (you’ve posted about this before, right?). It seems to me that there’s a greater level of dissatisfaction coming through in your post. Are you otherwise happy in your marriage? Arethere other factors that are contributing to your reaction to this situation? I ask that because if that’s the case, then I’d suggest working on separating how you feel about what’s going on with his time management/work stuff/ADHD from how you feel about the remainder of your personal situation. I can understand why this is frustrating, because it’s a threat to his ability to keep his job (and therefore to your family’s financial well-being), but if it’s getting tangled up in other issues, it’ll be harder for you to address it constructively. Just a thought.

    • sweetknee

      Does he insist on continuing to practice law ? If it were me, this would scare me into dropping back and punting, career wise. Does this mistake put you and your family in any financial or legal jeopardy? I can’t tell from your description if he is a solo lawyer or if this rises to the level of legal malpractice, or is just something that he would lose a job/client over.

      If it does not put your family in legal or financial jeopardy, I think all you can do is be supportive of him getting appropriate medical treatment, offer to accompany him to medical appointments if he will allow it, and suggest a potential career change to a career that might not be as precarious for someone with this condition.

    • Anon

      At some point is it not just ADHD?

      I have some people in my circle who may have some underlying explanation why X, Y, or Z wasn’t done. But that isn’t really an excuse, especially when it’s not the first (or tenth) time and there are serious consequences.

      When you are losing your livelihood or law license or house or forgetting to pick up your kids, their coping strategies need a revamp. And a failsafe. And a double-check.

      [I have some ADD (not so much the H) friends that are hypervigilant about forgetting and very into checklists. But I know some others who use that to explain why they cannot replace the TP when the roll runs out. And why they fail classes (b/c they can’t get to the registrar to drop the class they won’t attend b/c it is too early). And why they are always bouncing checks / not paying bills on time).]

      Explanation =/= excuse

      • SC

        Picking up on Anon’s question, is it possible your husband is dealing with other mental health issues as well as ADHD? My husband has ADHD, and we both have anxiety issues. Obviously internet diagnoses from strangers aren’t worth much, but forgetting to file something could be ADHD that medication, counseling, and systems can help with. Not taking action to correct it and hiding information from you sound like anxiety- or depression-based avoidance to me.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        One is well treated ADD the other is not well treated ADD. The first person learned coping mechanisms. There is a good chance they didn’t just do it on their own. Someone who cared, parent, teacher, boss, spouse, therapist taught them tips and tricks to catch their own errors. It is also a spiral. ADD makes you do something “dumb” like forget to pick up your kids. Then you feel guilty and ashamed like a horrible person. You feel judged. And you are. Because other people don’t get it. Then instead of looking for ways to prevent it, depression brain kicks in. You then think “well I’m just a bad person and I always will be.” Then you and others just expect you to do those bad things.

        Rather than getting mad and saying “I can’t believe you forgot to pick up our kid! How could you do that???” You say “what can we do so we can TRY to prevent this from happening again?”

        Signed,

        the person that left a curling iron on for 12+ hours Monday, for the second time, whose supportive husband took the right approach. Shouldn’t those things come with timers?

        • Sweet knee

          I have finally learned to buy flat irons that have auto shut off after 2 hours!

        • Liz

          I totally understand, I agree that a supportive family is wonderful.
          Signed,
          Left a patio door open today when I left the house and found a bird on my balcony tonight who looked like he’d already walked on my pillow

          • OCAssociate

            I know it’s a bird, I’m on the phone! (I’m really hoping you were making an Arrested Development reference.)

    • Anonymous

      Your husband makes mistakes that can and have gotten him fired, lies about them to you, and hides them.

      Get a divorce. Try and do it while he’s employed. I don’t care if he has a learning disability he’s a grown man who needs to figure out how to manage it. He’s prob on drugs. It’s really really hard to screw up enough to get reported to the bar.

      • Coach Laura

        I see the point with the “get a divorce” viewpoint because – even though it’s harsh – it’s going to take a herculean effort on his part to fix this in his life.

        That being said, you could lay down some non-negotiables like individual counseling for him and joint for the marriage. I’ve done a lot of reading about Adult ADHD/ADD and did you know that there are ADHD/ADD coaches for adults? He may need to have one-on-one coaching to succeed, and you would be doing him a kindness to suggest it. Nancy Ratey is a coach/author and there is a professional coach society. Not sure where you live but it’s something to look into or ask the professional who diagnosed his ADHD.

      • Senior Attorney

        I agree with this, especially if you don’t have kids. This is a horribly tough row to how, it doesn’t sound like he’s all that interested in getting this thing under control, and why should you volunteer for the resulting sh!tshow? As Anonymous says below, life is too short to try to be your husband’s mommy.

    • Idea

      Can you hire someone to follow him around and make sure he does this kind of stuff, like an admin assistant or a paralegal? I mean, I know that’s not what their job is supposed to be (I used to be a paralegal: RESPECT), but is that the solution you’re looking for?

      • Anonymous

        What client wants that guy working for them? If he can’t do this job he needs to find a different one. But I still think he’s secretly a drug addict and you should run. Life is too short to play mommy to your husband.

        • Wildkitten

          I could easily see someone being a great lawyer and needing an assistant to keep track of deadlines. But if that were the case I assume he would just hire one and she wouldn’t be here, frustrated.

          • Anonymous

            Exactly. What lawyer doesn’t have a system in place for meeting deadlines? If you can’t manage that because of your mental health problems this isn’t the right profession for you.

          • What kind of lawyer?

            “What lawyer doesn’t have a system in place for meeting deadlines?”

            One with massive malpractice insurance premiums. Or no malpractice insurance.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I agree that life is too short to play mommy to your husband but my response to that is the opposite of yours. Your response is leave him. My response is stop playing mommy! You don’t get to dictate if someone is successful or not in their career or if they are motivated or not. You are trying to change him into someone he is not and that won’t work. Accept him as is or leave him. That said, ADD is very real and no amount of badgering will make it go away. Someone can promise until they are blue in the face that they will try harder but when their brain synopsis don’t function, they just.can’t.do.it.

          To be supportive, you make a safe place for him to confess his mistakes in a judgment free zone. You help him figuring out solutions to those problems to catch issues when his brain doesn’t. If you don’t like that role, you point him to a coach or therapist.

          For me, the number 1 thing that has helped my ADD is a supportive spouse.

          • Anonymous

            He got fired from his last job and reported to the legal society for failing in his professional duties. He is now doing it again.

            Idk on what world he’s entitled to a judgment free zone but I’m glad you found one for your struggle with turning off a hair styling tool.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            I guess what I’m trying to say is that getting mad at him and judging him isn’t going to solve anything and could actually make it worse. You are completely justified in being mad and disappointed that he isn’t taking steps to help himself. You can point him to those steps and professional help but you can’t make him do it. As in, it is impossible to make a person get help if they don’t want to. I’m also not judging you if this isn’t for you and you want to leave. Please don’t read it that way. I also recall you are in the same profession and seemed embarrassed by all of this as if it is some reflection on you. That must make this extra hard. I think it is fair to give him an ultimatum that he needs to take steps to control his ADD with professional help if you are going to stick around. There are some great resources out there about how untreated ADD impacts the spouse.

            ETA
            PS: that curling iron could have burned down my house and killed my pets. It was extremely overheated when found.

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      I remember you from last time. Can your husband leave his job and be a stay at home dad? If I remember right, you were very gung-ho and success oriented and your husband not as much. I would seriously assess whether he should be working (particularly as a lawyer). In addition, I would seriously consider therapy to help you figure out how much oversight you should be providing. It’s possible that the mistake was terrible and he should tell you about it and he is putting you at risk. It’s also possible that it was just a mistake, that it wasn’t a big deal, but you’re so paranoid from the last time that you are micromanaging. I have no idea. But a competent therapist would help you figure out what is your problem versus what is your husband’s problem. (I’m a big believer that you can’t fix other people; you can only fix your responses and choices to other people’s behavior, which is why I’m suggesting individual therapy instead of joint therapy.)

    • Liz

      I am dyslexic, which I know is different than ADD, but for what it’s worth I’ve found a few things to be helpful. The first is that it can take years and years to properly learn coping strategies, and even when you have them you have to be constantly working on them because the strategies are fighting a moving target – it’s like any other life-long thing and requires a great deal of patience from me and the people around me.

      Second, I had to learn (and memorize and continue to practice for the rest of my life) a variety of coping strategies – both things I do personally (like always getting presentations done early so that I can practice outloud since I can’t count on being able to read the notes/cue card) and also things where I have to bury my pride and find ways to ask for help (especially things that are mortifying for adults like dailing the phone or spelling a word because I can’t look it up because it’s a bad day and the words are moving to fast to read in the dictionary).

      Third, it took more than 10 years of practice as an adult to get to where I can quickly and clearly explain why I need help with things so that my friends/family/coworkers understand. I’m lucky that people in my personal life have supported me all along, but it took ages to get to where I could explain it quickly and easily to someone in a professional setting. It’s sort of like being colour blind – when I look at words the letters and sometimes whole words move and overlap and can even wiggle or vibrate – asking me to read during a bad moment is like asking a colourblind person to see the colour you want them to, it’s just not possible, so I have several small things I say for different situations that repeate themselves in my life and I just deploy over and over again with patience and friendliness.

      Fourth, I’ve worked really really hard to find my strengths and ways to use them – for example I work in a public speaking role, but it’s one where I rarely have to go off the cuff and one where I never ever have to read out-loud – or rather I’ve been able to make my boss and coworkers accept that I’ll never read out-loud but I’m happy to do other presentations.

      It has taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get here – there’s a real sunk-cost fear when accepting as an adult that you can’t control your brain the way you want because a major change can undermine your whole education and work life – but I ultimatly found a job that I can do, and do well, and with an interesting future. If your husband is lazy and doesn’t want to work he won’t be able to do this, but isn’t there a good chance that he’s scared and overwhelmed and not lazy? In which case I’d encourage him to find out more about himself in therapy (especially if he gets anxious or depressed which is super super super common with us not neuro-typical people) and to work on finding work he can do. You might need to eat the cost of law school and accept it as a road not-finished and find a different path. If you love him and like hanging out with him, it might be worth it?

    • OP

      Thanks for the help guys!

      Basically I was looking for where to go from here. The first time I posted was when DH was fired and a few of you suggested ADHD and that was invaluable. Seriously, I think it saved his career and our marriage so thanks.

      Yes we are happy. Recently had a baby, he’s healthy, already sleeping nights. We are planning as much as you can plan with a baby and have every intention of staying together. Baby 2 is in progress right now :)

      The information about the file gone sideways was provided to me by the opposing counsel on that file. I definitely don’t want to know what husband is doing as I have enough on my plate right now. It is not a career ending or job losing mistake but it did being up a lot of old concerns.

      I’m going to talk to him about an ADHD coach and about seeing a doctor again. He is heading onto paternity leave as soon as I get done with my leave so he will have a chance to breathe.

      And yeah, I’ll work at being less of a jerk about the ADHD. Thx guys.

      • Anon99

        Does your husband work for you? If not, why is opposing counsel telling you about things he did at work? This is extremely f*ed up.

  11. Mary Ann Singleton

    I’m looking for tips for something I don’t know quite how to describe. I could use a combination notepad (would like it to be spiral) and sleeve for holding receipts/envelopes. Basically something I could carry around with me – take notes in meetings, run a to-do list in, and also tuck random bits of paper into. Probably A4 size or similar, maybe a bit smaller like A5. Bonus if it looks pretty tidy and presentable, and has an elastic strap around it so I can close it up when I put it in my bag. Is there a name for this kind of thing? I’m looking on Amazon but I don’t know what to call it. Thanks!

    • I'm Just Me

      The Circas and the Staples Arc brand both have leather versions of various fanciness.

  13. Big Interview

    I have a big interview coming up on Friday for a fellowship (~5 hours total, including a lunch with other candidates, an interview with the selection committee, and a diagnostic interview). I’ve prepped my ‘so tell me about yourself’ and ‘why do you want to do this program’ answers, selected case examples for working in this environment, dealing with difficult situations, and reviewed everything here on lunch interviewing. I’ve also selected my interview outfit and bag, trialed hair and bought emergency back-up stockings. Is there anything I’m forgetting? I really would love to leave this interview feeling I’ve done my very best.

    • Apples

      Print plenty of copies of your resume on nice paper. Do you have nice thank you notes ready to use, and stamps? For interviews, I always pack a small mirror in my purse so I can be sure I don’t have something in my teeth/booger hanging out of my nose/what have you. Good luck to you!

    • nutella

      Make sure you have plenty of *unique* questions for your interviewers if they decide to not ask you questions.

    • NYNY

      I would bring along a small notebook and pen to take notes in an interview situation that long. It would help me recall whom I spoke to about each subject so I could personalize thank you emails.

    • anon a mouse

      dental floss and gum/mints for after lunch, and tylenol/band-aids just in case. and if you’re driving, stash a snack and a bottle of water in your car for when you leave.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      Did you do a test run so that you know the location of the interview, how long it will take to get there in normal traffic, etc? Running late because of traffic or getting lost is the worst!

  14. Savings account

    The morning thread about gender roles has me wondering how if I should have my own savings accout. I’m married and DH and I only have a joint account where everything goes. My parents had an ugly divorce and my mom has always told me to manage my own funds outside of the marriage. DH and I are in our late twenties and started off with pretty much the same amount of savings and debt. All student loans have been paid off and we bought a house last year under both of our names. I’m not sure how to broach the subject with him on the seperste account since his mom was a SAHM who got allowances from his dad. FWIW, I earn a bit more than my husband.

    • Wildkitten

      Hey bae, I read in the news about someone who had their accounts frozen because of legal confusion of one spouse and it really freaked me out that a mistake like that could block either of us from accessing our emergency fund. I think we should each take an amount out of our joint fund and put it in accounts that are in our individual names only. I know that’s probably paranoid, but it would make me feel better, and we have enough money in our savings to do it.

      Or just do it, but you seem to think it’d be a big deal, so you should probably talk about it.

    • Anonymous

      Yes. You just never know. Not sure if I have advice re how to approach it, but I think honesty is the best policy. Tell him you are doing it and why without making it a “thing.”

    • anonymous

      We keep everything separate by default and put money into a shared checking account as necessary. All investments etc. are separate except for obvious things like our house. I highly recommend this approach, but it’s probably difficult if you didn’t start that way. I think you should just be honest about what you want to do and why. Help him understand; always important in a marriage, I think.

    • Anon

      Do it. It’s the financial advice from my parents that has been most ingrained in me. FWIW, my parents have been married for 40 years. My mother made about 1/10 (if not less) than what my father made. They have a joint account and my mom has her own accounts as well in just her name, even now that they are both retired.

      I would use the “financial safety net” excuse rather than the “my parents got divorced and what if I can’t access our funds”. Just like you should talk about your wills and living wills, I would say “we need to have some amount in our own names in case assets ever get frozen or become inaccessible due to illness or death or other catastrophe”.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House

      IME/IMO both of you should have separate accounts (checking, savings and investment). You should show each other the statements, talk about how the balances factor into your joint planning and be totally transparent about them, but you should have them. You are both adults. Adults have bank accounts.

      • cbackson

        I don’t think that a married couple having only joint accounts is any less adult. I’m not even sure on what basis you’d make that assertion. She has a bank account. She just doesn’t have one that only has her name on it.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah I think this is a very weird comment. My husband and I each had bank accounts when we got married. After the wedding, we added each other so they’re now both joint accounts. It doesn’t make us any less adult. Our money is handled exactly the same way it was when we were both single adults. The only difference is the accounts now each have 2 names on them instead of 1.

      • Anon

        I think a better phrase would be “Adults are knowledgeable about their household finances”. That might be joint accounts, or separate, or a combination. That might be joint decision-making, or some sort of split of responsibilities that everyone is on board with (and informed about). It doesn’t really matter how you structure it, as long as both parties are comfortable, informed, and feel secure.

    • Anonymous

      Does having separate accounts have any significance if you live in a community property state like California? Everything earned since the marriage will be divided equally in the event of a separation anyway, right?

        • Anonymous

          I don’t practice this kind of law, but that’s not what I recall learning for the CA bar. I thought the only post-marriage money that isn’t CP is stuff like gifts and inheritances, and ordinary income is all CP regardless of whose name its in.

          • LA

            That’s what I learned too, so I don’t agree with most of the comments above. No matter where I or my husband put money earned by either of us during our marriage, it is all community property, and we each have a right to half of everything either of us earned during our marriage if we divorce. So I see no point in a separate account (unless you get a gift or inheritance that is separate property and you always keep it separate; same for pre-marital assets).

      • SC

        In my community property state (not California), by default, everything you earn during your marriage will be treated as community property. Putting money earned as community property into a separate savings (or retirement or investment) account would not mean that it would be treated as separate property during a divorce. To convert community property to separate property, or vice versa, you have to formally gift the property as separate.

        But even if this is the case, having a separate account could still give you some protection in case of separation and divorce — especially in states (like mine) with long separation periods, a separate emergency fund gives you access to money you might need to set up a new home, and it prevents your spouse from emptying a joint account and withholding money (or spending it irresponsibly) during the separation. That said, my husband and I do not have separate emergency savings accounts, but we each have investment accounts with separate property that I suppose would serve the same purpose if we had a particularly nasty divorce.

    • cbackson

      Honestly, I went through a divorce and I don’t advise people to have separate accounts unless they find it useful from a budgeting or money-management perspective. Just putting money in a separate account doesn’t make it yours when it comes to the division of property. Depending on what a judge decided, it could all be his.

      Is there another reason you’re asking, though? As in, do you feel like you’re not involved enough in managing your family finances (or not confident enough in terms of financial management)? Do you distrust your spouse and feel like you need to go ahead and take steps to separate finances? (Which can be a useful transitional measure if you’re actually divorcing, but again, would not prevent a judge from awarding him those funds – or even from limiting your use of them during a divorce proceeding.) I think it’s hard to tell you that you need a separate bank account without drilling down more on why you’re asking.

    • Anonymama

      I think it’s also helpful if anything goes wrong with the joint account, if there’s fraud or it’s frozen if the card is stolen, to have a backup for each if you to tide you over in case if emergency. Also for gifts and things like that.

  15. L in DC

    I prefer having an account of my own for the practical reason of that I have my own credit cards and I want to be able to pay them from my account without having to check in with the other person about what bill is being paid when, etc. So I think it makes sense logistically. I am generally of the opinion though that you know whether your spouse is someone who would be capable of being nasty in a divorce and, if so, having a separate account is a good idea just as a failsafe, with enough money to tide you over while you’re taking them to court to get the rest of the money back. I’m saying this from the perspective of someone who is divorced, and my ex-husband behaved exactly the way I would have predicted. The divorce was still awful in its own way (it always is), but all of the money dealings were aboveboard and it was important to both of us that things be fair. I know some people would disagree, but I do think that if you know someone well enough to be married to them, your gut probably has a pretty accurate idea of how they’d handle a divorce.

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