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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 153 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Inside-Out Rockie Small Crossbody Satchel

Coffee Break

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Alexander Wang Inside-Out Rockie Small Crossbody Satchel, InkI've posted the Alexander Wang satchel before, but I'm loving this new inside-out take on it — it's the kind of thing that I suspect would just get nicer and softer with age. It's still a splurge, though: $875, le sigh. Alexander Wang Inside-Out Rockie Small Crossbody Satchel, Ink (L-2)

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Comments

  2. SFedits

    Crossbody leather, yes, but not at that price. Does anyone have recommendations for medium-sized cross body that is more in the < $200 range? < $150 even better. THANKS!

  3. Sparrow

    I just wanted to thank everyone who responded to my post this morning about my cat eating floss and husband’s reaction.

    – At the time, I didn’t really have anyone to talk to in real life about it so it felt good to “talk” about it online.
    – I appreciate hearing everyone else’s stories about things your pets have eaten. I hope no one minds, but I had to giggle at some of the crazy things pets have eaten! It’s good to know I’m not the one who has dealt with this.

    Most of all, thank you so much for the feedback regarding my husband. It was really nice to have some support and feel like someone was on my side. There were lots of good comments and things I keep going back and reading.

    Some background – we’ve been married 15 years, no kids. There have been problems going on for a while. I just haven’t taken the iniative to do anything about it.

    There are times when I call my husband an a$$hole under my breath when I’m pissed off. I know that’s not a good thing.

    There are numerous reasons/excuses why I’m still with him. Probably none of them good enough to where my emotional state is suffering. So yeah, I’m going to look into counseling at least for myself.

    Thanks again to everyone for the support. It is much, much appreciated.

    • Anon

      I didn’t weigh in this morning, but hugs and good luck to you on both cat and husband fronts. These are tough, tough issues to work through, and I hope you know we are rooting for you to arrive at a happier, healthier place, whatever that may be.

    • ContractsinTX

      I didn’t see/respond to this morning’s post, but we had a kitten who ate about a foot and a half of yarn. My husband pulled it all out of her through her mouth, when he saw something in her mouth. Nearly gave me a heart attack. She was fine. I never left my yarn out again after that.

    • Sadie

      Good for you for deciding to take care of yourself. I know I am an internet stranger, but I am proud of you.

    • zora

      You’re kitty will probably be okay, really. I’ve had cats forever, and they find things and eat them even when you think you are being super careful. and my cats have eaten string/yarn, etc multiple times and have passed it with no problems. There was only ONE time in 35 years of having cats that we had to take one in for surgery for some string he got into. And even then, it was kind of a slow process, there was plenty of time to take care of it. We kept an eye on him for a couple of days, once he stopped eating/using the litterbox, we called the vet and took him in, and they did surgery, and a few days later he was back to his old self. Please don’t beat yourself up about this, these things happen, cats can be really sneaky about what they get into, and you can’t watch them 24/7. Your kitty still loves you because you are the source of food and scratches, you are not a bad person. ;o) HUGS!!

    • Senior Attorney

      Thanks so much for coming back and updating. I hope the counseling is helpful! Big hugs from this internet stranger who has been there.

    • PinkKeyboard

      I’m not sure if you will see this… but my cat once ate an unused superplus tampon. That she unwrapped and removed from a plastic applicator. I had no idea she even did it till she threw it up partially inflated by stomach goo. Disgusting? Yes. Incredibly Lucky? Yes. They do the craziest things!

  4. Brant

    An coworker of mine was laid off yesterday. He was told it was because his position was eliminated.

    His boss and I are very close, and she told me that the “party line” was that his job was eliminated. In truth, I know–and she will be the first to admit– that he was a terrible performer, completely disrespectful, and a waste of budget. Our company could get two manager-level hires for the cost of this one totally useless dude.

    Here’s the thing. The guy was bad at his job. I did half of it for him, so I should know. He deserved to be fired. However, for whatever reason, they positioned it as a position elimnation, which now has my entire team as well as his former team terrified that more layoffs are coming. I’ve tried my best to assure folks, but it’s REALLY HARD when I can’t say a politically correct version of, “his job was eliminated because he was being paid at the AVP level and was terrible at his job. We are going to use his salary to hire two manager level people instead. Your job is not at risk because there are no budget issues, just performance issues.”

    Any ideas? If it matters, I run one department, my coworker runs another, but we work very closely (think sales/marketing or product/development) and if one department struggles, the other does too.

    • Anon

      Maybe frame it as ” your understanding is that it was a decision to re-structure at that level, no lower level re-structuring being anticipated as far as you know” – you’re not saying it was performance related but also framing it as a management restructuring vs. budget cuts which could affect lower level positions as well? I’m sure you’re not the only one you realized he wasn’t good at his job…

      • zora

        yeah that’s good: saying it was a restructuring, but I think you can say “there are no budget problems that will necessitate eliminating any more positions in the foreseeable future” if it was me, that would allay my fears, but not necessarily make me wonder if there was more going on with that dude. It would just position it as a structural decision.

      • Brant

        It’s not just “not good”—it’s “horribly bad”. Like, department was 25% over budget and until the last day of Q4 his reports showed they were 15% under. has missed countless deliverable s. clients demanding his head on a platter. that sort of thing,

        • Anon

          I’m the anon above. I think my advice stands. People are probably just looking for reassurance that he didn’t screw up so badly that their jobs are on the line. You can’t promise them that right now, but you can say it was management restructuring. The hiring of two new managers will support that line.

    • amsb

      I may be too late in this response, but I do not think you should anything to anyone without your (former) co-worker’s boss approval. At best, you could tell her that people are nervous and she can speak with them.

  5. Wondering

    I have a few court dates where I need to wear a suit. I don’t like any of my suits and need an upgrade (they’re all Tahari polyester and pretty worn).

    Looking for: a wool or wool blend charcoal, black, or navy skirt suit. I’m a size 4 on top, size 6 on bottom, pretty curvy. Would be willing to spend up to $500 but would prefer to spend less.

    I plan to try on some suits at JCrew (the 120 line). Any other suggestions on other brands/stores to check out?

    Thanks!

    • zora

      I am a similar level of curvy (but bigger sizes) but I would recommend Nordstrom or other high-end department stores close to you. They have a larger range of suits sold as separates. I like the Classiques Entier line for my curvy bottom half, but there are lots of other choices.

      • bkfoer

        Curvy bottom here (hey hey Ellen with our generous behinds) and Classiques Entier always seem too slim on me.

        But agree with Nordstrom as a go to spot.

        • zora

          I guess it’s that I like how the CE jackets fit on the top, and I size up the skirts, and then have the waists tailored.

          I also really like the Halogen suits when they have them, but I think that’s a lower price/quality point than the OP is looking for.

    • a passion for fashion

      I’m about the same size as you and I love the j crew 120s. I will recommend trying on multiple sizes and styles though becasue I have found that they don’t all fit the same — like even in the same size they dont fit the same. but once you find the one that does fit you, its great. my j crew suits are the only ones i own that i always know i can throw on with anything and it will always work and look good. i have both navy and charcol pinstripe with slacks, skirt, and dress.

    • Frou Frou

      In addition to J Crew, you might want to check out Talbots (their suits are online), and Brooks Brothers on sale. Happy suit shopping!

    • Bonnie

      Club Monaco has nice classic suits as well that are sold as separates. They had a gray one in the clearance section recently.

  6. Famouscait

    Help! I posted at the end of the first thread to day about how I had an amazing day at work yesterday. Now, I’m starting to receive congrats and jkudos emails for the very upper mots levels of my University’s administration. Do I need to respond? If so, what else to say besides ‘thank you’?!

    • Famouscait

      Wow – did not spell check.

      *kudos from the very upper most levels…

      Geesh. At least I can fundraise, even if I can’t type….

    • Anonattorney

      Congrats! That’s great news! $1 million!!!!!

      I don’t think you need to say anything beyond “thank you,” and to express your excitement!

      I think that when you work as part of a team and your success clearly benefits your coworkers and superiors, there’s nothing wrong with chiming in and saying it feels good to succeed.

      • Famouscait

        So would a brief email look like:

        Thank you! I’m thrilled with this early success as well.

        Now I’m questioning every exclamation point…

        • Anonattorney

          I over-exclaim. It’s true. I always have to go back through my emails and take them out to look more professional. I think that looks great, though.

  7. Anonattorney

    Any advice on achieving inner peace with in-laws? I get irritated easily around them. I have posted on here before about the cost of travel to see them and my frustrations with that, and have agreed with many posters that I just need to suck it up and go. Family is important. BUT, how do I just let things slide off my back?

    I’m mainly just looking for some little tricks to help bite my tongue, and to see the good in people instead of the bad.

    • Famouscait

      Have you tried the bingo-style approach discussed here before? As in, Bingo! Check off box where MIL snubs my cooking, etc. It helps you anticipate and detach from the behavior. But, I wouldn’t say that it helps you “see the good in people instead of the bad”. I always have to work on that one.

    • Anonattorneytoo

      +1/you are not alone!! Wish I knew the magic trick, but sometimes, misery loves company so maybe this will help!

    • anonforthis

      I managed to reframe a lot of things as “her problem, not mine” in relation to my mother in law and it’s helped a lot. For example, small comments about how I don’t like to clean (she is a fastidious housekeeper, I am not) and how she used to iron my husband’s uniforms for him (which I do not do). I just had to tell myself that my husband and I work roughly the same number of hours per week. If the house is dirty, he is just as capable of cleaning as I am and he’s also capable of ironing his own uniforms. Why should I let it bother me? It’s her problem, not mine.

    • ContractsinTX

      Try changing your physical space with them. When I am stuck in my in-law’s house, sitting in the living room and not doing anything, my MIL drives me crazy. When I force us to get out of the house and do something together, it’s 100% better. Get a manicure with your MIL, go to a museum with your FIL, or go see a movie together (you don’t have to talk!). Even going on a walk together can make a huge difference. Your physicality can have an impact on your mentality.

    • 312

      I’m right with you – one thing that has helped me recently is to think that they won’t always be alive to visit. When they are gone, i want to look back and think I did what I could to support my husbands relationship with them to create good memories – not bad ones of being insanely irritated ( even though I am sometimes!). Also, a deep breath before interacting with them and thinking of myself as centered – kind of like in yoga helps, so that I’m responding from a neutral, relaxed place. It isn’t easy though! Good luck! And, my all favorite, plan a treat or something rewarding for yourself after the visit that you can look forward to and focus on if you end up in defcon 2!

      • Tune

        I really, really appreciate this. My husband’s mother drives both of us up the wall with her victim mentality. Thinking about supporting my husband’s relationship with them and wanting to help create good memories for him is a very helpful way for me to think about dealing with her.

      • Anon for this

        You are so, so wise and I wish I could have been the same way many years ago.

    • Brant

      My FIL is a crotchety old man. Once I stopped thinking of him as a dad figure and started to think of him as a grandfather, our relationship got so much better. He is 19 years older than my dad, so my expectations about his world/life views were not realistic.

      He thinks I should be at home with the kids. (He doesn’t know I make more than DH, but that’s for another day). He doesn’t ever want to travel to see us. He’s a tea party donor and rags on us for being “so liberal” without knowing my politics at all, only that we live in the north east. He gets bent out of shape over everything and doesn’t much like kids.

      Not that this was my experience with either of my grandparents, but he is of their generation and I can chalk up his annoying habits to age and not that he’s my FIL. DH finds him equally annoying, fwiw, but is better about tuning him out/not letting anything he says bother him.

    • Silvercurls

      +1 to all of the other suggestions here re deflecting instead of nurturing your irritation.
      You’re already going in the right direction with your desire “to see the good in people instead of the bad.”

      Humorous suggestion: One of my favorite prayers is “Dear Lord, Please help me keep my big mouth firmly SHUT.” It won’t work forever (at least not for me!) but it might give you a few moments of coverage while you find some plausible, non-hostile way to step out of the situation long enough to regain your calm.

  8. Anon

    Reposting from the other thread because it will get more reads here.

    I am getting married this spring about 3 hrs away at a beach town, so it is a mini destination wedding where people will stay overnight at rented beach houses and go home the next day. The ceremony and reception are all at once and will start around supper time.

    I’m not a baby lover (I know, I know, so horrible to admit) so for my wedding, I wanted to not have any children there. It is a night time wedding, and not really a kid appropriate venue. Most of our guests don’t have kids but I have a sister with a baby and so does my fiancée. My sister asked me whether she should bring the baby and I said that I prefer that she not, so that she could enjoy herself and relax, that the event wasn’t baby appropriate because it is at night, and who would she get to babysit at the destination, etc. She totally agreed and arranged for the baby to stay with relatives.

    Fast forward to last week, when F’s sister made some comment to us about bringing her baby to the wedding. I have told F how I feel about all of this and that I really do not want her to bring the baby, and he agrees that it is reasonable. Childcare will not be an issue for her if she decides to leave the baby at home. She is also not breastfeeding so that is not an issue. But F refuses to have a talk with her and tell her about our concerns.

    My concerns are this: 1. I don’t want a baby crying at our ceremony or reception (shallow, I know), 2. even if they could get a sitter at destination, they are staying at shared accommodations that will mean other people are sharing a rented vacation property with a baby, and 3. especially since I already told my sister to leave her baby at home, I would feel really horrible if she showed up at the wedding and saw the other baby and questioned why one sibling could bring a baby but not the other sibling.

    How do I get my F to address this with his sister and not cause a big fuss? I offered to speak to her directly but he didn’t want me to. Am I being super unreasonable in this? Should I just give up and get married to a chorus of crying babies?

    FWIW both of these babies will be between 7-10 months old at the time of the wedding.

    • tesyaa

      Can’t you hire a babysitter for both babies so they don’t have to be at the ceremony (and/or reception)? No reason at all to have them at the ceremony.

      At my wedding 25+ years ago, we told my husband’s aunt no babies so she dutifully got a babysitter – but my cousin (who I am close to) brought not only her nursing baby, but a few older kids. I heard from another family member that the aunt was annoyed. I totally understand and I wouldn’t make the same mistake again. Either both babies, or no babies. I would lean to both babies coming to the destination, neither baby being at the ceremony (and reception, if that’s what you prefer).

      • tesyaa

        I see you have reasons for them not to be at the destination accommodations. Can’t both baby families share the same space? It sounds silly, but it’s worth a try.

        • Diana Barry

          +1, I think this is a good compromise. Particularly since your fiance won’t talk to his sister about it.

          • Meg Murry

            I also suggested the babies share a place on the previous thread. Here’s a repost:

            What is more important to you & fiance? That there be no babies there? Or that your sisters can attend? Because if you told me I couldn’t bring my less than 1 year old baby to your overnight wedding, I would be skipping your wedding. Especially since its your immediate family, which means your future SIL can’t just leave the baby with grandparents – because the grandparents will be at the wedding too.
            Could you rearrange the shared housing so the 2 families with babies are together (possibly with your & his parents)? And see if your sister & SIL can arrange for a sitter to come to the beach house to be with the babies (upstairs perhaps) during the ceremony.
            I feel like if this were a distant cousin or friend from college that would be different – but your sisters deserve some accommodations.

    • Anon

      IMHO I do think you’re being unreasonable re: not coming at all. But that also depends on their childcare arrangements. Do they have a close family member or nanny that they could leave the baby with? If your SIL uses a large daycare or is a SAHM and doesn’t have family nearby then it’s a big ask for her to leave the baby with someone totally new especially if she’s 3 hours away.

      I’m familiar with no kids weddings but I wasn’t aware that extended to nieces/nephews being at the site even if not at ceremony/reception. Could the families with babies share accommodation so the other guests are not disturbed? I think it would be okay to ask that the babies not attend the ceremony/reception. Even if they attend the ceremony/reception, most people with babies have sense enough to sit at the back and leave if the baby fusses. I think it would be a nice gesture if you looked into arranging a babysitter to watch the two babies during the ceremony/reception.

      • Other

        Good point – also, overnight sitting for potentially two nights (Rehearsal Dinner and Wedding Night) plus travel would be incredibly expensive. I have a nanny who I trust with my kids overnight, but wow, I would really, really be irritated at having to spend that much money when other options are available (bringing baby, having sitter there). We’ve only used paid for overnight care for one night with my husband when we both desperately need a break, not for a family wedding. Getting a sitter for the actual events only is far, far more reasonable from a cost perspective.

      • OP

        Thanks guys! There are plenty of close family members to stay at home with the baby – F’s sister’s husband has family in town, those grandparents regularly babysit the baby and there are also aunts/uncles on that side available.

        The bring both babies option can’t work because my sister has agreed she would prefer to leave baby behind and has already arranged child care, so it’s a 1 baby or no baby situation.

        • Anonattorney

          Given those facts I think you definitely suggest she leaves baby with grandparents. I would phrase it in a way that flatters her. “We want you to be able to party with you that night. It’s one of those rare times that we can just be together, having fun and dancing. As much as we love seeing our niece/nephew, we would love to be able to share this night we you.”

          I don’t know. Something like that. FWIW, I’m in camp “it’s okay to ask people to not bring babies to your wedding.”

        • Anonymama

          If your sister is happy to leave her baby at home, why would she care if your sister-in-law has her baby there? I would think she’d understand if the sil just really wasn’t comfortable leaving her kid overnight. And for goodness sake couldn’t you just tell your sister what’s going on?

          But if your husband won’t talk to your sister-in-law, you could bring it up with her, very tactfully and gently, that you weren’t really planning on having kids at the ceremony/reception, is there anything you could do to help her arrange childcare, with the caveat that you also need to be understanding if she just really doesn’t want to leave the baby at home overnight.

          • workingmomz

            I would be irritated if I made special arrangements (called in a favor with family, paid a nanny etc) for a no-kids wedding for my family and saw a baby there the same age.

    • Clementine

      Make the decision that’s right for you, but don’t stress! Do whatever is going to give you the least amount of stress.

      I initially was very ‘no kids at the wedding’ making an exception for my niece and nephew who I assumed would come for the ceremony and dinner and then be picked up by their mom (divorce situation) but just the way it worked out, we ended up having 2 babies, a 4 year old and two kids, all of whom stayed all night. It was a very adult, formal, evening wedding.

      Honestly- the kids were the life of the party. Unbeknownst to us, the 7 year old had learned some random breakdance/dance moves and the 4 year old copied everything he did. The babies were the easiest! They literally just wore cute clothes and were stolen by older women all night who wanted to hold babies. This is my way of saying- regardless of having babies there or not, it will be fine and lovely and classy and delightful.

    • Anonattorney

      I think finding a babysitter sounds like a good solution. “SIL, I know you’re planning on bringing Baby to Beach Town. I have a couple of names of babysitters that you can use for the night of the wedding, in case you haven’t already arranged for someone to be there.” Then at least you’ve started the conversation?

      Some commiseration – at my wedding I didn’t invite kids (other than nephew). One of my guests RSVP’ed by saying that she and her husband, and their 6-year old, would be attending, even though 6 year-old wasn’t on the invitation. It was a little odd. It wasn’t a big deal, we just felt a little weird because we didn’t invite other people’s children. At that point we didn’t really know what to do, so we just went with it and it ended up fine.

    • Blueberry

      Two issues – I think it’s reasonable to ask for no babies at the wedding, but I disagree that you can ask the sister not to bring her child with her. As a non-confrontational approach to the wedding element, your husband could reach out and ask his sister if she needs help finding/booking a sitter for the night. It makes the question of whether kids are invited a forgone conclusion. She will either get the point, or at least it will open the topic into a conversation wherein he can explain that it’s just not a child friendly environment, your sister is leaving her child at home, etc.

      however, I would balk at asking her to leave the baby at home. When your guests agree to stay in shared accommodations, they realize that will come with certain … limitations on privacy and space. Further, my guess is that you will not notice the child at the house nearly as much as you think you will, if at all.

      Most importantly, based on context (a. sister in law wants to bring baby to the actual wedding, and b. future husband won’t raise the issue with her at all), taking a firm line on leaving the baby at home seems like you’d be doing a lot of damage with your future family in law when a compromise is possible (at location, not at wedding). Your wedding is a weekend, the marriage and relationship with in-laws will hopefully last forever. This is not a battle I would choose to fight.

      • Anon in NYC

        I agree. No babies at the ceremony/reception, fine. I did that. But asking a parent to leave their kid 3+ hours away? And a 7-10 month old? I had relatives who didn’t want to leave their 8+ year old for an evening and didn’t come to my wedding. I don’t think that’s something you can really ask of people. And, if there are shared accommodations, well, your SIL is likely going to be sharing with family, right? They would presumably be happy with spending time with the baby. You can control who attends your wedding, but you can’t control the rest.

        • rosie

          I went to a destination wedding where the couple attempted to control details down to where everyone stayed and who rented a car for the weekend (not that the couple paid for any of it, of course). Not a nice way to treat your guests.

    • Samantha

      I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But I don’t have suggestions of how to “get” your fiance to tell her, sorry! Maybe jointly compose an email so he can control the wording?
      But if he refuses to budge, then the best way to keep the family peace is to have your sister bring her baby too, but make it clear that babies are not welcome at the ceremony and reception.

    • Nancy P

      Do you know if the baby(ies) are pretty easy going, or are they high-maintenance? If they’re the former, it probably wouldn’t be a big deal to have them at the site. My son is 9 months old and only cries when he falls over or for 2 minutes before his nap. It wouldn’t really affect the other houseguests that much to have him at the wedding — even in the morning, the most they would hear was some happy babbling. I wouldn’t, however, bring him to an evening wedding ceremony — that’s his bedtime, so he would be a hot crabby mess.

    • Baconpancakes

      In Jewish tradition, it’s good luck for a baby to cry during the ceremony, but the “good luck” generally means “good luck in having lots of babies” so that might not be up your alley.

      If you have a sitter available, and suggest it to your FSIL, she’ll probably accept, because most parents of children that age would LOVE a night off, which will mean your sister can also bring her child and share the babysitter. However, the shared accommodations will still be a problem. My SO and I showed up at a family’s summer cabin one week only to find out his cousins had brought their teething child, and that was probably the least relaxing vacation I’ve ever taken. Will the FSIL and FBIL have their own room? Is there any way for them to get other accommodations, or for them to share only with your sister’s family, or is a 3+ bedroom in a cabin situation?

    • Hermione

      It’s very, very unreasonable to ask someone not to bring a kid to the location at all, but you can certainly say no kid at the ceremony or reception (and arrange for a sitter that your sister can use too if she wants).

      • OP

        Hey, we wouldn’t be telling her she can’t bring baby, rather that she might prefer to leave the baby with grandparents instead of taking it on this trip just to be cared for by a stranger babysitter. And FWIW the beach town is super small so I’m not even sure how I’d of about finding the babysitter.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, and future-SIL is just being rude by proactively assuming baby can come. If you invite people to a dinner party, they know it’s an adult event, make their own arrangements for children, pets, work, etc. and show up without babies and puppies in tow. I don’t see how it’s suddenly acceptable for a guest to do that at a wedding.

      Your F needs to grow a pair and talk to his sister. If he doesn’t, I’d be concerned that (a) he’s not entirely on board with the no-kids plan and possibly wedding “vision” in general, or (b) he’s going to be weak in the future when there are conflicts with his family.

      • Anon

        I disagree with this. There’s a big difference between a kid-free dinner party or ceremony or reception versus dictating to someone that they have to leave their baby for two days.

        • Anonymous

          It’s an evening ceremony where guests will depart the next morning. That sounds like 12 hours to me, and 2 days is grossly exaggerating. They don’t HAVE to come at all, nor do that HAVE to come for any sort of rehearsal dinner (which OP does not mention and since she says they will only stay “overnight” and not for the weekend, I think is a leap to assume the existence of)

          • Anonymama

            I don’t know… it’s three hours away, and I have never heard of a wedding where the family didn’t have to get there an hour or so early, plus time to check in and dress, (so noon departure for 5pm wedding?) plus even if they leave super early the next morning (which sucks if they’re paying for the accommodations and all they do is sleep for 6 hours) with a three hour drive, it would be at least 9am the next day before they get home.

            And I don’t know about your family, but in mine it would NOT be okay to skip your sibling’s wedding, and unless you had a seriously terrible or seriously distant relationship with them, it would have long-lasting negative consequences.

      • Another Baby Free Event Supporter

        I totally co-sign. You are not being unreasonable. I’m not sure when it became expected that either (a) I can bring my baby/kid to your formal occasion and/or (b) the host is obligated to provide childcare for my baby/kid.

        • Dissent

          Agree that the event can be baby-free, disagree that the host can dictate whether the entire weekend can be baby free.

        • +1

          its not just a formal event, its a whole weekend. and its the sister and neice/nephew of the bridal couple. and in talking about tradiation, I don’t know when it bacame OK to not invite children to a wedding, or more importantly, explicitly exlude family members from a wedding.

          • Another Baby Free Event Supporter

            It’s one night (per the OP’s description – starts at supper time, sleep over, go home the next morning). That’s not even 24 hours so I’m not sure how you arrived at it being a whole weekend. If SIL wants to bring the baby for the sleepover, then SIL and her husband need to make their own arrangements for childcare/hotel (or an unshared beach house) reservations.

            Invitations are addressed to attendees. If children are meant to be included at the event, their names (no matter how young they are) are included on the invitation. It is rude to try to bully someone into including additional guests, i.e., your children, at event where the hosts have chosen not to invite any children. Try being a gracious guest and respecting the invitation. The OP had a perfectly reasonable conversation with her sister about the topic. OP’s fiance needs to man up and have the same convo with his sister. If OP’s sister and soon to be SIL want to share a beach cottage and a nanny/babysitter for the 24 hour that’s fine but it’s not fine to just bring your kid to the event and expect that there will be someone to watch him/her. I don’t know where that kind of entitlement comes from. I would never presume to bring my kid to a wedding whether it was a friend or a family member unless the kid’s name was on the invitation.

          • Another Baby Free Event Supporter

            Super nice of you to make it personal. Thanks. Sorry that I’ve got a handle on etiquette and others don’t.

    • rosie

      What does your fiance want? It’s his niece/nephew, maybe he wants the baby there. If not, I think you need to get on the same page about dealing with his family, for this and for the future. If your fiance does want the baby there, then call your sister and say you decided to make an exception for immediate family babies, so if she wants to change her arrangements and bring the baby, she is welcome to do so.

      Also, while it’s reasonable to say no kids for the actual wedding (if you and your fiance agree, that is), it’s unreasonable to tell people that they cannot bring their kid on the trip at all.

    • anon-oh-no

      It seems like you may be over thinking things. Just because babies are there does not mean they will be crying and/or that their parents wont quickly take them out of the room if they do cry.

      I totally get that some people dont want a bunch of kids at their wedding, but to have your niece and/or nephews at the wedding, especially given their ages and the fact that it is not local, seems a little unreasonable. Talking to your sister and SIL seems like a good way to go. It would not occur to me that my brother or sister wouldnt want my infant at the wedding, so its quite possible that your SIL doesnt understand that.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1 for all this

        At my first wedding almost 30 years ago I was super concerned about crying babies, so I arranged for there to be childcare on-site at the ceremony. We told everybody beforehand and as people arrived with their kids they were directed to the child care room. And what happened? A college friend of mine arrived late with her baby, found the door unattended, and came into the ceremony with her baby, who cried during the vows.

        Result? I have had a great story for lo, these almost-30 years about how the best-laid plans of the most controlling bride can go astray.

    • AnonLawMom

      A 7-10 month baby is really not going to be a big distraction at your wedding. It would be one thing if this was a friend’s baby but it’s family. It’s your big day and all, but I’d really think about weighing the impact of your decision on you vs. the parents. I couldn’t go to a family wedding for this reason and I will never, ever forget how it was handled by the bride.

  9. preg 3L

    I’ve been invited to a black tie wedding in a month. I plan to rent a dress. I’m currently one month postpartum; I’ll be 2 months postpartum for the wedding. I have no idea what my belly will be like in a month — any advice on how to choose the right size? Any advice for styles I should avoid or look for, since I expect to have a bit of a residual baby bump and an enormous chest (I’m nursing)?

  10. Betty

    Looking for some advice from the other professional moms out there: I’m two months back from maternity leave after my second child. My kids are 6 months and three years, and generally great kids. I am breastfeeding and pumping for my little girl. I’m an attorney, and I love my job (after leaving biglaw between kid 1 and kid 2 for a government gig). I do daycare drop-off every day and pick up 2-3 times per week. My husband is an administrator in a public school, and works pretty long days (not biglaw long, but pretty close). I generally manage our finances, daycare and housework (but my husband cooks dinner a ton). I love my life, seriously, I do. But… I feel like I am going crazy so much of the time, like I am always forgetting something or falling short in some area (work, home, mother, wife… something). I don’t remember this feeling after returning to work with my first, but I just feel like I am on the verge of it all falling apart even though things are going pretty well. Will I just get used to this feeling? Is this the addition of a second kid? Have any of you been through this and found any thing that helped?

    • eh230

      I don’t really have any advice, but I am going through this too after having baby number 2 (5 months and almost 4). I think it helps to try and remember that life with baby is less hectic once they turn 1. My husband and I are just kind of waiting it out (while still doing our best to enjoy our second’s babyhood).

          • anon

            In all seriousness, this is how I feel about our after school sitter. She’s just 24, but she’s worked out so great, and we no longer have to deal with picking up at the school’s aftercare– we just head home. She has them do homework and piano practice, she empties the dishwasher, clean up a bit. So so great. Because the rushing/out of control/eeeeeek feeling doesn’t really go away– it changes forms, but it’s still there. No more babies/toddlers crying, no more sleepless night, but 5683 things to remember, emails from the teacher, the room mom, the choir teacher, swim team is during the dinner hour–whaaaaat? ;)

          • cbackson

            I just learned recently about the concept of hiring a night nurse, and I swear that it may have had a substantial impact on my feelings about having children. I had a nanny, so I’m biased, but I am ALL ABOUT finding and relying on awesome childcare providers rather than making myself crazy.

    • hoola hoopa

      Life is crazy with the second kid. It will get better when they are about a year old. Hang in there!

    • Diana Barry

      Dude, I’m right there with you. It does get better! Remember you are still super tired from being up with the baby!

      Hugs.

    • Anon

      There’s been a few posts on similar issues but I think the keys are:

      1. It’s normal to feel this way.

      2. be realistic in your standards – You’re likely actually doing way better than you give yourself credit for – everyone is alive, you haven’t been fired etc; I nursed exclusively to 16 months and enjoyed it but if you find that it adds extra stress then just nurse in the mornings/after work/bedtime and supplement with formula in the daytime (or not nursing at all if that’s what it takes).

      3. Automate where possible – pay for grocery delivery, meal prep, house cleaning etc.

      4. Partnership is key – sounds like your husband is doing the cooking and 2-3 pick- ups. Sit down and figure out all the tasks necessary for your family to function – groceries/bills/housecleaning/cooking/childcare/daycare etc – and divide it up. See # 3 re: automation will possible – this applies to everything from bills to cleaning to meal delivery. Workwise – if you’re getting all the calls from daycare re: baby is sick or whatever maybe split up those distractions? – Hubby gets all calls about toddler and you get all calls out baby (because you’re nursing) or you get calls M/T, he gets W//TH and you alternate Fridays.

    • Anonanon

      Are you me a few months ago? Two kids is exponentially crazier than one, but it gets better. Or else you get used to the crazy, I’m still not sure which. For now, be kind to yourself, talk with your husband about helping with whatever is pushing you over the edge right now, and cut everyone some slack where it does the least damage. Triage, one day at a time… Good luck!

      • JJ

        Yes, co-sign all of this. I’m just now getting in to a routine with a 6 month old baby and a 2 year old toddler. Life is pretty much loosely controlled chaos.

    • Betty

      Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I’m glad and oddly comforted to know it’s not just me. I *may* have had a minor breakdown in my car on my way home when traffic was going 5 mph slower than the speed limit and I was 5 minutes late for pick up. Here’s hoping I acclimate to the new chaos soon.

    • Anon

      Second what everyone has said. It was a shock that the transition to two kids was so difficult for us (2 kids = 4x work/craziness). I think part was the notion that because we’d gotten a handle on No. 1, we knew what we were doing. (And seriously underestimated how much more there needed to be done with a baby and toddler now running around.) I think it took us about 8/9 months to settle into something resembling normalcy with the first, and probably close to twice that recovery time when our second came along.

      Eventually it works out. Promise. Just keep treading and it will slowly ease up.

  11. zora

    can I just whine for a second and say I am so tired of being a gross, endless-mucus-generating machine??? harumph… why will my immune system just not get it together!?! ;oP okay, thank you for indulging me. End Whine.

    • Anonattorney

      I hear ya sister. I’m neti-potting tonight, I guess. It always kind of grosses me out though.

      • Nancy P

        I will be neti-potting as well. Solidarity sister.

        (I just got OVER my last cold. Darn germy baby.)

    • Ellen

      Yay! I love Alexander Wang — But I love VERA Wang even More!!! I wonder if they are MARRIED??? I do NOT have a satchel, just a lit bag, and yesterday I had Mason carrying it instead of me b/c I wanted to carry my Starbuck’s Coffee and muffin. Normaly I go to Crumb’s, but there was NOT time to do much before court, so I had to get BOTH at the same place. FOOEY on the muffin. I did NOT even finish it, b/c they would NOT let food inside the courtroom, and I had to hurry to drink the COFFEE. I think they do NOT want peeople eating and then having to LEAVE to go to the toilet when there case’s are called.

      As for the OP, yes, you are sick, but the good new’s is that you will get better. I remember that Alan alway’s came over when he was sick for ME to take care of him. Why he could not go back home to mom was a MYSTERY. But he was alway’s sneezeing and wheezeing and bloweing his nose all over the place, some times right into my down pillow’s (which I had to throw out b/c of his smell that did NOT come out, and I could NOT wash those pillow’s). I wonder if other women in the hive had to dispose of bedding after THEY dumped there EXE’s? That would be interesting for KAT to ask the hive. I will bet they did. FOOEY!

      Myrna met a guy from South America who want’s to date her, but he work’s in food service at her company. He knows alot about cookeing and he made her an omlete. I can not imageing anything they would have in common, but we will see. He is very persistent and he think’s she smell’s nice. I wonder how close he got to her to figure that out? FOOEY! He probabley smell’s like egg’s. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      Sam want’s me to go out to a Botanical Garden show somewhere. What do I care about plant’s this time of year. In the UK, they love this but not so much for me. Willem also wan’ts me to go to something else, but I forgot. The next time he text’s I will have to figure out what he said on the phone. His Belgan accent is tough to understand some times. But he still want’s to marry me. YAY!!! At least someone is interested in me for my MIND, not just my body, b/c I have NOT taken any clotheing off for him yet, even tho Myrna says I should by now. YAY!!!!

    • AMB

      I totally understand. I don’t know how my sinuses are able to retain so much liquid!

    • Big City Broke

      OMG me too. I had no idea one body could produce so so so much snot for such an extended period of time.

    • ContractsinTX

      Take the time to go to the doctor. I finally went yesterday, after dealing with a week of sinus headaches and gross-colored mucus (sorry, friends). Only one day on a z-pack and I feel 100% better. Take time for yourself to get better!

    • NOLA

      Two words – Simply Saline. It’s amazing stuff.

      But year, I totally hear you. It took months to get over that thing I had in October and I still have hoarseness in my lower register. No low notes at all.

    • zora

      thanks, everyone for validating my whining ;o) I feel better later in the day when cold meds kick in, it’s just so horrible in the morning! And this is coming up on 2 weeks of this grossness. I definitely feel better than a week ago, but the snot and the coughing just won’t go away. blech!

  12. Samantha

    Dress help please!
    I bought this dress (http://tinyurl.com/ppdgu2d) in a petite size in Navy and while I love it, it is too short for me. I’m 5’5″ and not really a petite size, I know, but that’s all they had.
    Can anyone suggest Sheath Dresses in Tall sizes that are similar? I love the fact that it’s belted, pleat-neck, and lined, not thin or sheer, and I can wear it with a blazer, preferably black.
    I’d like it to cover my knee, so I’d prefer a tall size though I’m not tall, either.

  13. Meg March

    Just asked for my first raise ever! This is my first job out of college, and it was very nerve-wracking. But I did it!

  14. Romey

    Ladies, I have a work networking event tonight. There will be food and drink. When you go to events like this (where food and drink will be served so you need your hands) do you bring your purse? Or do you just carry around your blackberry/phone? I only have my work bag/tote so the options are either (a) bring the entire tote or (b) bring my large sized wristlet to put my phone and business cards in there. On one hand, the tote will be easy since it will go on my shoulder, and then my hands will be free, but it’s still a larger sized tote. On the other hand, the wristlet is smaller, but almost more awkward since it will go around my wrist.

    What do you do in similar situations?

    • Anonattorney

      If there’s a coat check, I check my purse and coat there and put business cards in my blazer pocket (assuming I remember to wear one with pockets). I usually don’t carry my phone with me at those events–I leave it in my purse or coat at coat check. I think carrying around a small shoulder bag is fine, but I always feel more mobile and confident without one.

      • Romey

        Ugh, I should have worn something with pockets so I could just hold business cards in there. Next time.

    • anon

      I bring a little clutch/pouch and keep it under my arm. The wristlet would work for that. I always feel like big totes close you off from the room, sort of like crossing your arms. Does that make sense? And a lot of women hold onto them like safety blankets. I do too, which is why I just don’t bring one.

    • CountC

      I generally just take my business card holder with me and leave everything else in the car. I have found that I can either hold the biz card holder while holding a drink or whatever or I can stash the biz card holder in a pocket. I have, in certain circumstances, brought the large tote in and found a corner where I can tuck it and keep an eye on it. I don’t bring my phone in with me because I don’t want to be tempted to use it while networking (which I would find rude outside of a family emergency type situation and you’d excuse yourself anyway for that). If you have kids or some other situation where you would absolutely need your phone, then go wristlet, but see if you can tuck it under your arm like a clutch instead of hold it on your wrist. I find it’s less awkward looking that way.

    • HSAL

      I suggest reposting this in the morning since it’s so late. I’d love to see a discussion on this. Although I’m in public service, I’m not taking advantage of this program. Part of me just wants to pay my loans off myself (I started off around 70k, down to around 40K after almost 7 years) and the other part was paranoid that something would change with the program. I also didn’t want to ever feel like I had to stay in public service.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t even have words. What if you picked public service because of the forgivness? Thats only 1/4 of my loans. Jesus. I am seriously shaking right now. Would I be grandfathered in>

  16. Miss Behaved

    So I was a little hesitant to ask this question based on the atmosphere on this site lately, but I genuinely would like to know what the hive’s opinion is on the ruling on “upskirting” in Massachusetts. I actually don’t have much of an opinion on the legal aspect, because I’m stuck on the logistics.

    I can’t figure out how “upskirting” is done on the T. I have to guess that it’s a summer activity. Tights and heavy coats must make it extremely difficult, but I can’t even really figure it out without all the gear. I take the T. I think you all know that. I wear pencil skirts usually and I usually get a seat. In order to see up my skirt, a guy would have to be lying on the floor under the bench.

    So I’m guessing the targets are wearing short poufy skirts with bare legs, but I’m still kind of stuck on how it’s done.

    And, of course, now that the police have made it known in the news everywhere, I wonder if they’ve just given some element of the population a new activity. What are your thoughts?

    • Granola

      I don’t know anything about this, but a few years ago someone in Tokyo was arrested with an upward-facing camera on the tip of his shoe. He was taking upskirt photos on the Tokyo subway. Ick.

    • zora

      I feel like it’s mostly done when it’s super crowded, don’t you think? when you’re packed in tight, one could just hold their phone kind of down by their leg, with the camera turned on, and take a bunch of pictures, hoping at least one of them would turn out. Or, if a woman in a skirt is standing, and a guy is sitting near her. Or, the place i’ve always worried about is on the stairs/escalators, ugh. Because even when I’m not wearing something super short, sometimes the air will blow my skirt around a bit and I’m super paranoid someone below me can see. ;oP Also, I don’t think they are necessarily deterred by tights, they can still see what they want.

      Ugh, it’s so gross and creeps me out and I get totally grossed out just thinking about it! Why do people suck!!?!?!

    • AIMS

      This happens in NYC too. There are all sorts of devices apparently. I recall a story about some guy getting arrested with a video camera pen. It’s gross but where there’s a will there is a way, as they say. I don’t spend too much time worrying about it. I feel like of the millions who ride the subways, this is always some inevitable grossness, you just try to avoid it.

    • locomotive

      yea I think it’s super gross and wish it wouldn’t happen but.. you know what, people are gross creeps everywhere. From the discussion I’ve heard, it has to do with the wording of the law being really poor such that when you are on the T you are considered to be clothed (not partially clothed) even if the picture is taken of an unclothed part of your body. Personally, I will continue to wear my dresses and skirts, but I usually wear boyshorts or booty shorts underneath them anyway (from biking around and grossness of public seats).

    • Wildkitten

      I think women are trained to be nice, even when a creepster is putting a camera under your skirt on the T. I think more awareness makes victims more comfortable in calling out this behavior, and others more aware to call it out when they see it, or defend it when others are the victim. I’ve seen creepsters taking camera photos of ladies feet and not responded, which I regret.

      Call out the bad action so the societal stigma is equal or worse than the law, and so women don’t hace to change their behavior against creeps. Call it out, victims and bystanders.

    • Someone

      There was a professor at the college I graduated from who was arrested a couple of years ago because he was taking upskirt pictures of students with a microcamera on a pen. He got away with it for years, because he was just “such a nice guy.” So it’s not just crowded places, if someone has the determination to be this kind of creep they can figure out a way.

      I’m 98% convinced that I was in his collection of pictures, but I never wanted to contact the police to find out.

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