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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 215 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Sheath Dress with Asymmetrical Neckline

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Calvin Klein Sheath Dress with Asymmetrical NecklineI always love an asymmetrical neckline, and I feel like since Black Halo's Jackie and J.Crew's Origami Dress have risen in popularity, so has the neckline. If you're looking for a higher-necked version (or, perhaps, a less expensive version), I like the look of this Calvin Klein dress. The Charcoal is marked down to $39.99 ($34 with code STYLE), or in black for $70.90 ($60 with code STYLE). The dress was originally $128. Calvin Klein Sheath Dress with Asymmetrical Neckline Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-4)

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Comments

  1. anon

    Looks like a great pick, Kat, if I didn’t have too many black sleeveless dresses.

    • anon2

      Also – there are a TON of cute clearance dresses @ Lord & Taylor right now, many for $39 with another 15% off today. Just placed an order for 8 different dresses @ this price point – something is bound to work, right?

    • Anon for this

      This made my cry last night. I have nearly $200k in loans and have been banking on the public service forgiveness since deciding to go to law school. I’m seriously worried that these types if proposals are in both WH and congressional Republican budgets. Praying so hard for a phase out or grandfathering clause if this goes through.

    • TBK

      This is the nub for me: “The White House said it would also seek changes ‘to ensure that the program is well-targeted and provides a safeguard against raising tuition at high-cost institutions.'” *IF* they can do that, then I think limited debt assistance would be useful. But I honestly don’t see how that’s possible. I do, however, support the ability to discharge student loans in bankruptcy. Maybe they get a higher preference than other types of debt (so more of the debt actually gets paid) but I think it’s just bizarre that they’re treated unlike any other debt under the bankruptcy code. I don’t support rising tuitions based on schools wanting to add frills like smoothie bars and luxury dorm rooms because it will attract students and all the federal money they bring with them. (And I will freely admit that I brought lots of federal money with me to my schools, which were just the type of schools to add things like smoothie bars.)

      Ultimately, just to completely show my hand, I think a goal of college for all is misguided. I think all students, regardless of wealth, who have the ambition and aptitude should be able to study for a bachelor’s degree (and higher). But I think the rampant student debt, and the depressive effect it has on young people’s financial stability and futures, is a wake-up call that we should stop insisting that everyone spend four (or five or six) years in college just to get the most basic white-collar job. We should re-think vocational education, including vocational training for positions like admin, software coding, and a number of other fields that currently require bachelor’s degrees. These certificate courses could allow people to focus exactly on the work they want to do, would keep them out of the work force for less time, would be cheaper, would better prepare them for work the economy needs done, and would allow the work force to be more nimble because if a program is only a year or two, it would be much easier to work in a field for 10 years or so and then go back to school and get trained in another field. Not everyone wants to have to learn Chaucer and study world religions just to be able to earn a middle class living. We shouldn’t insist that everyone try (and rack up the debt necessary to take unwanted classes in Chaucer and religion).

      Again, if you do really want the four year degree, and do want to put in the intellectual work for a bachelor’s degree, I want to live in a society that provides all the support necessary for you to do that. But I don’t think we should be shoehorning everyone into a program that suits neither them nor the needs of our country’s economy. That approach has just resulted in crazy debt overhang and an unnecessary burden on our youngest workers.

      • anon-oh-no

        you and my husband would get along very well. i hear a similar “college for all is misguided” speech almost weekly. i dont necessarily disagree.

      • Lyssa

        Word. The whole system is screwed up, priority-wise.

        One of my former law professors, blogger Glenn Reynolds, often says that colleges should be on the hook for at least part of a student’s debt – that way, they have to decide who and what is and is not a good investment. Now, I can see some problems with that (colleges would probably assume that students from wealthier families would get bailed out by their parents), but on the whole, I like it. Colleges should have the incentive to sell a product that offers a return for the (huge) investment demanded.

        And ITA that that specific type of investment is not for everyone or every profession (and there’s nothing wrong with a person who decides that it’s not right for him or her).

        • Anonattorney

          Here is a point often brought up by conservatives in support of a cap – elite institutions offering LRAP based on the public service student loan forgiveness. School agrees to pay your loans if you do 10 years of public service. School then gets full tuition from the feds, pays a part of it, then the remainder is forgiven. Conservatives like to say this is one of the reasons tuition is inflated:
          http://m.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2013/08/09/how-georgetown-law-gets-uncle-sam-to-pay-its-students-bills/

          Eh, I don’t know. My main concern is that expanding IBR to the detriment of PSLF is just another race to the bottom. It’s basically saying that jobs requiring college degrees aren’t paying people enough to afford those degrees, even in the for-profit sector, so let’s let more people take advantage of IBR to offset. The problem is, without PSLF, a person who has the option of taking a $45k/yr nonprofit position vs a $55k/yr private practice job has no (financial) to do public service anymore. Both positions will qualify for IBR, likely.

          Also, it will also just perpetuate class inequality. Students from wealthy families will continue to go to expensive T14 schools because they can afford them. (I always look at this stuff through a law school lens). Students who don’t have wealthy parents will go to cheaper schools.

          I have more thoughts but am posting on iphone.

          • cbackson

            It’s interesting, but at least at my (T5) law school, it didn’t seem like family income had much relevance to the choice of school. Ultimately, everyone was taking out loans for our entire education, because no one other than the wealthiest of families could afford to fund $150K of law school out of pocket.

      • anonforthis

        I am really torn on this. Part of me agrees and I definitely think there are a glut of college graduates who cannot find work at the moment. But we would really need the type of vocational overhaul you are suggesting (where certain jobs that now require a BA/BS no longer require them) to make it work. While college is not for all (my mother was a high school guidance counselor who constantly stated this), my husband has only high school degree and he is much more limited in changing careers than I am. At 18 he was making $30K/year and didn’t care but now that’s he’s older, he feels very frustrated at the lack of opportunity for advancement but doesn’t feel we can justify paying tuition for him to go to college when we have a kid potentially going to college in 4 years. We really struggle with what to do about sending her to college as well. She’s not ambitious or academically inclined (although she is certainly academically capable) which seems like a no brainer to encourage her to find some vocational training in a career she might like, but because of my husband’s experience, he’d like her to go so she has the degree in the event she decides to use it later.

        • Anon

          Unsolicited advice but I would definitely pursue an understanding of the range of non-university post-secondary options that are available to your daughter. A BA doesn’t have more job security or advancement opportunity than a trades certification/qualification in electrical/plumbing etc. My cousin tried university, the structure didn’t work for her. She got an associates type degree from a community college, is now employed and was able to transfer some course credit to a local university so she is also working towards her business degree one course at a time.

          My husband is from a European country where they integrate trades school type training into the later years of high school so kids that don’t want to go to university are started on a path to a career. I really wish would explore something like that structure here. The paradigm seems to be so focus on high school vs. university without a strong post-secondary but non-university sector.

          • Fellow European

            “My husband is from a European country where they integrate trades school type training into the later years of high school so kids that don’t want to go to university are started on a path to a career. I really wish would explore something like that structure here. The paradigm seems to be so focus on high school vs. university without a strong post-secondary but non-university sector.”

            +1. A million times this.

          • Cb

            Agreed. My partner did a 2 year technical formation program and although he later went on to university, it allowed him to choose a school / program in a very focused manner.

          • Anonymous

            Just to play devil’s advocate, I think the reason that type of system has not gone anywhere in the U.S. is aversion to the idea of kids being tagged at a young age and funneled into a specific track, before some kids might have fully developed their interests and potential.

          • Anon

            Well, there are public vo-tech schools in the US. I remember touring it in high school, as we had the option to switch.

          • Lyssa

            My high school had a vocational and a college-prep track available. The unfortunate thing (which I realize looking back) is that the voc kids were definitely tagged as “less” by us super-smart college prep kids. It didn’t help that most of the voc classes took place at another school that students had to be bussed to (and that school was considered the “redneck” school in the area). Although I’ll admit that the kids that did voc were just not the types that I would have had very much in common with, I’m definitely ashamed that my friends and I looked down on them the way that we did at the time.

        • TBK

          I think we’d have to change how we thought about BAs in the workplace. I would like to see a lot of the jobs that currently require bachelor’s degrees change to focus more on career training. For example, I’ve always had legal secretaries who have bachelor’s degrees. Why? I’d far, far, far rather have someone who’d taken a year-long course in legal admin (becoming a whiz at Office suite stuff, knowing Pacer and Westlaw, understanding the courts and their filing rules, and having great systems for organizing files etc.) than someone who has a BA in history. But because the vocational options don’t really exist and aren’t respected (and therefore aren’t always held to the best standards) employers use BAs as a proxy for figuring out if the person has basic literacy skills. It’s just silly and wasteful.

      • +1

        WORD to your last paragraph about rethinking the college for all goal. It’s elitist and ridiculous to declare that someone is unworthy of a living-wage job in our society if they didn’t party for four years at Popcorn State U.

        I think that capping the forgiveness amount makes sense for the stated purpose but only if applied to new loans. If applied to graduates currently in the program, all it does is screw the graduate while letting the college keep the benefit of that inflated tuition.

        Re: your middle point about student loan forgiveness in BK, I agree but only if the school (and not the government as guarantor and therefore taxpayers) is the one who loses when those loans are forgiven. It will weed out irrelevant majors (no one is saying you can’t take Basket Weaving as an elective or MOOC, but it does not need to be a major) and schools that offer poor prospects for graduates. I think it will also accomplish some of your last argument, in that schools will be reluctant to admit someone who does not appear ready or interested in seeing a college degree to the end and then pursuing a career that utilizes that degree. And if college is not so insanely expensive, there’s nothing to prevent high school graduates from starting out in vocational school or going straight into the workforce, and then going to college later in life if they decide it’s something they want–you shouldn’t need to start college at 18 to have enough working years to recoup the “investment,” and the idea that you have to go then “for the growing experience” is really something we need to get rid of, IMO.

        • Anonymama

          But it would in many ways cement the class divide, since students with parents who didn’t go to college are much, much more likely to drop out, less likely to get high-paying jobs, more likely to have to help out their families, and thus more likely to eventually default on loans. And face it, the wealthier kids will always go to college, even if they are not necessarily cut out for it.

          I do agree that students should be much more cost-sensitive when choosing a college, and I would hope that colleges would respond to that by trying to be a little more sensitive to the rising tuition costs themselves.

          • TBK

            Not really. You’re assuming that the world would stay the same but fewer people would go to college. What if, instead of dropping out of college, being unable to get stable middle class jobs, and defaulting on huge loans, those same kids instead were able to train specifically for fields where there was a need for their services (i.e., where there were stable good jobs), didn’t waste time in college when they had no desire to be there, and didn’t have crushing debt in their late 20s from a college experience that never led to a degree? Wouldn’t they be better off? And wouldn’t it be easier to climb into the middle class? How many of our grandparents are college graduates? I’m guessing some of us come from families who’ve been going to college for generations, but I’m also guessing a lot of our grandparents were able to be middle class without a college education. Why not bring that back? Yes, rich kids will always go to college. They’ll also go to private prep schools, have SAT tutors, summer enrichment programs in Switzerland, and internships with dad’s college roommate who’s now a US Senator. Why not create post-secondary programs that actually help kids find financial stability?

          • hellskitchen

            It may be relatively easy to find a good job at the start of your career but as you advance, the skills you learned in your vocational, college-alternative experience may become less relevant. What will keep you competitive is your ability to quickly learn new skills, present yourself as a valuable employee etc – skills that most students pick up in college. I work in public education with low income kids and for those that go to college, it’s often the first time that they pick up self-learning skills. It’s interesting to me that the many experimental programs for diverting kids to vocational schools are almost always focusing on low income students. More often than not these kids are being told they are not good enough for college, even the ones that make it to college. The reality is that the battle cry of college is not for all is often taken up by upper middle class or rich people, but let’s face it, they often see it as a solution for other people’s kids, the lower-income kids who can’t afford to incur college debt or afford to be jobless after college. I think we would all be better served by spending our energy in making colleges more affordable and more accountable to the students that they serve.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I agree with you to a large extent that college for everyone isn’t the best goal. I worked in a construction-related industry after college and was struck by how the idea of becoming something like a plumber or electrician were never considered or even mentioned in my everyone-goes-to-college-and-gets-an-office-job community. It was expected in my family and for most people in my high school that we would all go to college. Many of us are I our late 20s/early 30s now with still no real semblance of a career we enjoy or hope to stick with long term, if we are on a career path at all. In contrast, many of the construction people I dealt with daily seemed to truly enjoy their jobs. I think at least one of my siblings and many people I went to school with could have taken that path and enjoyed it so much more if it was even considered as an option.

        • preg anon

          I totally agree with this, but one of the problems is that there aren’t any similar careers for women. Please correct me if I’m wrong. But a master plumber, welder, or electrician can make close to six figures. What similar line of work is there that is traditionally for women? (Obviously, they could do those careers too, but it is way less likely.)

          • Monday

            No “need,” but these jobs are often heavily focused on private apprenticeships and guild or union memberships. I agree that these features of the field probably make it harder to get in and advance when you’re the only woman, or one of a very few.

          • Meg Murry

            Not always. My huband is an electrical contractor, and together with his father they don’t even make 6 figures between the 2 of them. And he has a BA in business, or they wouldn’t even make that since my FIL was severely undercharging and had to hire out taxes etc before my husband joined him in the business. Granted, he has a lot of perks with running his own business, and the business pays for his car, laptop, cell phone etc – but its nowhere near 6 figures.

            And unfortunately, our area has what was once an excellent vocational training high school. But with industry changing, now only about 1 in 20 of the students are getting jobs remotely related to their training out of the school – if a job at all. The collapse of the housing market and factories has really hurt here. The stufents with enough motivation to push themselves through our local community college after do better, but that’s rare. It seems like a lose/lose system out there, at least here in the Rust Belt.

          • SoCalAtty

            My husband is an electrician. He and his dad started the business together, and now it is just my husband. He makes twice what I make, and has 0 student loans. Well over 6 figures. Now we’re in really weird position – if I didn’t have student loans, I wouldn’t have to keep working! We could live on his income alone…but for those loan payments.

          • AnonToo

            Really, why shouldn’t we be fighting to make it more likely to have women also become master plumbers, welders, or electricians by providing them with equal access to training through vocational programs? Why should we only be asking for gender barriers to be broken in white collar professions? There won’t be true gender equality in society until all types of jobs are viewed as being equally open to men and women.

          • Monday

            I agree, AnonToo–I was speaking to the situation as it is now, not as I would like it to be in the future.

          • MU JD

            My cousin is an electrician. Went to the local technical college, completed an apprenticeship program, and she has worked in the field for nearly 20 years. She loves it and makes more money than I do as a lawyer in a small Midwest firm. Oh, and she doesn’t have student loans either.

          • Aggie

            I know women who have excelled in each of those careers. I am a construction law attorney and one of my best experts is a female master plumber.

        • Monday

          I have noticed this as well. And for that matter, I think it applies to graduate school too–there are some circles in which “just” getting a college degree is not really considered, and everyone assumes/expects you’re going further, without critically looking at the cost-benefit balance. I know lots of people with graduate degrees who aren’t sure if it was worth it, and on some days I am one of them.

      • CountC

        Word. I am still not sure college and a JD was the right choice for me, but it was what everyone in my community did. There wasn’t a discussion about what I would do after high school because college was really the only thing presented as an option. I think this is a shame.

        Assuming I still would have chosen a four-year degree, I wish I had been smarter and gone to a community college for two years and then transferred to a four-year program. I wish that option was presented to more students as a viable option as well. I believe Virginia schools have some sort of program that ensures almost all, if not all, of your credits transfer.

        • AIMS

          I think the bigger problem, or maybe it’s the underlying problem, is that people just go to college/grad school without thinking of what it is they are going to do with that degree. I have a lot of friends who majored in things that are just not going to lead to an obvious career (e.g., art history, “social and historical inquiry,” French literature, etc.)…. On the other hand, these same people never considered a career in, nursing. I also know people who went to not so great school and majored in business and now don’t understand why they can’t get a job at a Wall Street firm for 6 figures. I think there is just a lot of misinformation and misconception about all of these things and it’s far too easy to get loans without thinking about how you’ll pay them off. It’s strange to me that when you buy a house and want to take out a mortgage, a bank will not lend you money without first doing an appraisal to make sure you’re not overpaying, but student loans are not tied to anything to do with your ability to repay your loans.

          • CountC

            I agree with you that there is no analysis and appreciation for what you can and can’t do with a degree in a specific area or for what you might want to do and realistically what it takes to get there. I was fortunate that my parents paid for my undergrad. I received a sports marketing degree which I used for several years before going to law school. I was told that a job in sports was a thankless, penniless job, but to am 18 year old what matters is that it’s a fun job, you know?

            This is one of the reasons I strongly advocate for a year off in between high school and college to work/get an internship (not fart around Europe). Being in an environment that somewhat resembles what you think you want to do after college would be a relatively good way to assess if you are completely off-base or on the right track.

      • Pest

        If they made student loans nondischargable, because otherwise people file for Chapter 7 immediately after graduation and get a discharge, and then go to work without ever repaying anything.

    • Alice

      I’m worried. I am in my law school’s public interest forgiveness program, which requires enrollment in IBR, and have set up an appointment with financial services to figure out what impact, if any, this would have on my loan repayment. Also planning on getting married in September (and then filing taxes separately), and I’m wondering if we should rethink. My loans are around the $200k mark as well.

    • KLG

      Anyone going to law school hoping for public interest loan forgiveness/repayment assistance should be aware that at present not all federal agencies offer any sort of loan repayment. For example, attorneys with the Social Security Administration do not get any sort of loan repayment or forgiveness.

      • Anonymous

        You are entitled to the forgivesness if you work for any government agency. This would limit the forgiveness not the repayment. I’m so scared about this. Who should I call? My senator?

        • DontBlameTheKids

          1) I think the above comment is in reference to individual agency programs, not the IBR/Public Service Program as a whole; and 2) YES, call your senator.

    • DontBlameTheKids

      I would still be paying off my law school loans AFTER my children graduated from college. So I would be paying for all three educations at the same time. I am crying.

    • Anonymous

      I read the Appendix to the budget which has the nitty-gritty and still can’t figure out if they’re proposing to limit forgiveness to $57.5k total, or to that amount of principal plus any interest tied to that portion of principal. I think that makes a big difference because for some people $57.5k may only forgive the interest that has accrued while in the program. The latter is still a significant change from the status quo but not quite as drastic.

      In any event, I absolutely sympathize with the fears of those potentially affect and agree that mobilizing is warranted, but I seriously doubt this happens in an election year. Unfortunately, it’s the nature of politics that this is a risk that those in the program will have to stress about every year (until they hopefully hit the 10 year mark without any changes having been passed).

    • Anon

      Isn’t this a good thing for most people? I can see how it’s bad if you’re a lawyer, perhaps separate guidelines should be made for certain types of degrees.

      • K.

        I could see how long-term this might help the college tuition inflation issue. But, as a public school teacher who makes $36,000/year (in a state with “merit based pay” which is now offering stipends of about $500/year instead of yearly raises to reward my work, so my salary is stuck there) with $90,000 student loans (I paid for my undergraduate degree myself, but have debt from graduate degrees), this could be really bad for me. I had stuck it out in my profession because the loan forgiveness seemed to add about $10,000 a year to my salary once it was forgiven, making it a decent salary.

        I really hope they grandfather people into the old policy if they do change things.

    • Anonymous

      Clerk posted something about a financial plan heavily reliant on debt-forgiveness about two weeks ago. I wanted to tag her to be sure she saw this before she makes a plan that will collapse without a large amount of debt-forgiveness.

    • Curly Sue

      I’m a little split on this. Clearly it’s going to cause significant problems for people who have relied on the forgiveness, since they’ve been paying minimal amounts and interest has been accruing which otherwise would have been .

      But I’m sort of struggling to understand why it’s unfair to take into account both members of the couple’s income for IBR purposes. If the entire point is that IBR exists to aid people who can’t afford to make larger payments, why shouldn’t people who COULD afford to make larger payments be forced to do so. Maybe that involves sacrifices, maybe that means accepting cheaper housing, but isn’t that what many people who don’t qualify for IBR do to pay down loan debt?

      Of course, the law should account for both spouses’ loan burden when determining whether a married couple qualifies. But if the couples’ joint income is large enough to cover the payments, I’m not sure I’m outraged that they’d be required to pay down loans at a rate commensurate with their household income.

      I’m single and I don’t qualify for IBR, so I’m sure I’m missing some facets of this. What makes this an unfair proposal?

      • Anonymous

        I agree, I don’t see what is unfair. Limits make sense to me, our tax dollars should have something reasonable that is available to everyone. $200,000 forgiveness for someone’s law degree when we have so many other needs makes me furious.

        • Curly Sue

          Well, I think it’s fair to say the ship has sailed on that argument for people who are already in the forgiveness program. In reliance on the government’s forgiveness offer, they’ve paid very little toward the principal of their loans, so the balance has been accumulating interest. I’m not sure we can now say to those people, “Tough luck! Joke’s on you!”

          But to my mind, if you make some intervening decisions (for example, to marry someone with a high income), the government should be able to respond to your changed circumstances. And now you CAN afford to pay back the loans, and I’m not sure the taxpayers should shoulder the burden of lower continued payments.

        • Fiona

          +1 This. I don’t think the government should have been in the forgiveness business to begin with. The burden should be on the schools – not the feds and *definitely* not the rest of us. I have to pay my own loans and I’d really rather not pay anyone else’s.

      • Anonymous

        I understand how it can be a huge problem now for people who took out loans banking on forgiveness. Is this option only for lawyers or any one who takes up a federal government job qualify for student loan forgiveness? If the loans are guaranteed to be forgiven, then people will just make the minimum payments even when they can pay off the loans. Why should tax payers share the burden of some one else’s student loan?

        • Anonattorney

          Because there are certain services that poor people would not have access to if we didn’t try to alleviate the expense of professional degrees. Legal Aid, for example. It’s already seriously underfunded and understaffed. My colleagues who work there can only do so because of loan forgiveness.

          Poor people need attorneys, and not just public defenders. They need representation on civil matters too. They need social workers, rural medical care, etc. The market will not provide that help if you don’t incentivize people to do the work. The education needed to do those jobs is just too expensive.

        • Sadie

          To anon at 1:17
          Well, this (forgiveness) is only an option if you qualify for payments under IBR, under IBR, most high-income people, for example, big law attorneys, don’t qualify. They have to pay the standard 10 year repayment in full. I am not as sure how PAYE works because I don’t qualify for it (pre 2007 loans) but maybe someone else can chime in.

          As anon attorney notes, people need lawyers for things like legal aid, which pays attorneys very low salaries. Even my state university law school (not even ranked in the top 75) is going to result in over $100k of debt if someone doesn’t get any scholarships, so it’s not like we are just talking about people who choose to attend Yale and want the public to pay for it. As anon attorney said, lawyers WANT these jobs, but it wouldn’t be feasible without these loan assistance programs. So then, who is going to do it? And who suffers if they don’t? The very people we want to help, the socioeconomically disadvantaged who have not access to legal assistance otherwise.

          • Anonymous_at_1:17

            I never took an IBR and so I want to understand how it works. Will loan forgiveness extended for medical school grads/nursing/or degree or certification related to medicine who serve in government hospitals?

        • K.

          Yes, currently the loan forgiveness extends to any public sector job. I am currently a high school teacher. I work in one of the lowest paid districts in a state that now has merit based pay that does not require any pay raises for teachers (instead gives stipend bonuses of about $500/year for exceptional work). I’ve taught for over three years and currently make around $36,000.

          I also have my doctorate. I did my undergraduate degree debt-free through a combination of working 30 hrs/wk and scholarships. For my masters and PhD. though, I took out govt. loans and amassed about $90,000 in debt. The job market was (is) really bad for PhDs (something my advisor never really prepared me for–I asked point blank before starting the program how the job market was for his current graduate and he told me it was good. I don’t think he was ill-intentioned, but just out of the loop). All that being said, I will have basically payed off my loan in 10 years, but not paid off any interest. The interest is what makes it impossible for me to pay it off, particularly on my salary.

          I understand the idea that tax payers shouldn’t foot my school bills. But, I typically work 60-70 hours weeks (that goes down to 30-40 hours in the summer when I work on curriculum development and training), so I am basically being paid less than minimum wage. This loan forgiveness was one of the few “perks” of my public service and if I had known it would be taken away, then I might have reconsidered my career path years ago. I love what I do and I think it is valuable, but I’m not sure how to manage paying off loans for the next 30 years on my income.

          More than that though–I’m frustrated that the government wants to change course in the middle of this. I don’t make reckless financial decisions and this seems to be putting me in a position I did not plan for.

          Thanks ladies for sharing this information. I’m a daily reader of this site and often your comments, but rarely comment myself, but I learn so much here from you all!

      • Sadie

        Well, in part, you assume that all married couples use their income jointly. They don’t. The ability to base it only on your own income was conditioned on filing “married filing separately” on your taxes, so in turn you gave up most of the tax benefits that marriage provides, so it’s not like there is no trade off to the current proposal. But, for example, I am married, I have a child from a prior marriage, and my spouse and I do not share any money whatsoever. We each write checks for half of everything. Yes, that means I pay half, but half of what we use together is about the same as what I’d use just me and my kid, so it isn’t like I would spend more if I were single. In other words, as it currently stands, it allows a couple to choose to give up the tax benefits of filing married joint, in exchange for having IBR based only on the debtor’s income. It’s a trade off, which depending on the benefits you are giving up and the difference in the payments between IBR/regular, may or may not be worth it. You usually need an accountant help you figure it out.
        I don’t want IBR anyway, (so we won’t be DOING this, I’m just pointing out how it might work) because I don’t believe in paying way more interest and having a tax bomb at the end just to drag out the payments, but I get that some people would drown without it.
        The person who gets the loan forgiven owes tax on that as income in the year of forgiveness, so it’s not like they will pay nothing to the government, and often the total interest over the 20/25 years adds up to more than the principal anyway. So it’s not like taxpayers are “giving” people 200K for law school that they never pay a dime of. (for example, I have 60K isn of loans. If I did IBR instead of just paying it off, over the 25 years, I would pay $67K in interest. So sure, the “principal” would be forgiven, but I would have paid the government MORE in interest than they loaned me to begin with, plus I would owe them income tax on what they forgave.)

        • Anonattorney

          Your last point isn’t actually true. There is no tax on the loan forgiveness for public service right now, although there is for IBR. The White House proposal would not tax any student loan forgiveness: both PSLF and IBR.

        • Anonymous

          Paying more interest than the principal happens even with a home loan and probably in any kind of long term loan. That doesn’t justify not paying the principal.

          • Sadie

            Well, that would be true, *except*, that currently the decision to take on the debt is based in part on a promise by the creditor (here, the US Gov’t, who is the lender on all current federal student loans) that if you comply with terms A,B,C, the balance will be forgiven.
            I don’t think anyone promises to forgive part of your mortgage if you make payments for X years, and no one conditions the decision to obtain a mortgage on such a promise. That’s the issue here.

            If they want to make this change for all loans taken out FROM THIS POINT ON, that is one issue. But doing this without grandfathering in those people who took out the debt specifically based on a term that they are now considering obliterating…it’s not the same issue.

        • Curly Sue

          Okay, I understand that’s true of some marriages that not everyone divides finances equally. But there are lots of legal provisions and decisions that we make based on general assumptions of how families operate. For example, when I took out student loans, the FAFSA form considered what my parents’ income was, even though my parents personally believed that adults should fund their own education. So I’m not sure that’s a distinction the government should be in the business of making. The reality is, if you were sued, most courts would likely use your and your husband’s assets to satisfy the judgment, no matter how personally decide to allocate your income.

          • Sadie

            uh, no, they actually can’t unless you’re in a community property state. Perhaps you are, and that’s where that understanding comes from, but in a non community property state, separately titled property and assets are not able to be taken in satisfaction of a judgment against the spouse. If you keep it separate, it’s separate. There is no “marital community” that a creditor can take from unless you commingle things that way, in a non-cp state.

      • Alice

        I may be wrong, but I think the issue for some people (including me), is when the spouse also has debt, but it is not federal debt. I am pretty sure THAT is not considered in your IBR calculation (please correct me if I am wrong).

        For instance, I have $200ish in federal loan debt from law scholl (graduated 2012). I am in IBR, counting on public interest forgiveness in 10 years. My fiance (health care field, not a doctoor) makes less than I do, but he has a substantial amount of private debt from his (second, practical) B.A. So, under the changes his income would be counted in figuring out my IBR payment, but not the fact that he pays roughly $700/month towards his own student loans on a 10 year repayment program. That could easily make my IBR payments unaffordable for us as a couple.

        • Sadie

          This is correct. No debts are included in the IBR calculation other than federal student loans.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I’m a bit torn myself of the spousal income issue. It’s considered if you file jointly but not if you are filing separately right now. There are trade offs to filing separately though like winding up paying higher taxes or not being able to contribute to a Roth. I wonder how many people do file separately for IBR reasons.

        I’m trying to take advantage of IBR for now so I can throw more at my private loans first since they have basically none of the protections of the federal loans and still aren’t dischargable. Once those are paid off I’ll be paying as much as possible to pay off my federal loans and hope to finish about 10 years before the end of my 25-year IBR period that would have left a ton to be discharged. My fiancé and I will likely file separately if that’s an option still so that I can continue this plan since my private loans won’t be paid off completely before we get married. I’ve always been nervous about the law changing and not discharging my loans at the end and hate the thought of paying on them for 25 years though so I’ve tried to pretend that it’s not an option.

    • Silvercurls

      Ladies,
      Based on comments made today and last night (earlier thread) this item is now on my advocacy list. It’s not a good idea to discourage cash-strapped law schools from going into public law…and it’s DEFINITELY a bad idea to impose after-the-fact revisions of financial terms upon which responsible adults have staked their lives and livelihoods.

      I will contact my representative and Senators on your behalf!

      Feel free to post here or send to me (silvercurls (at) gmail (dot ) com any links you think I should read before acting.

  3. Alice

    Vicarious shopping help needed, if anyone has a little extra time this Friday! I am looking for a dress (specific requirements below), and have totally struck out. I have an appointment (my first!) with a Nordie’s personal shopper this weekend, but I would love to find some options on my own.

    I am meeting my fiance’s extended family in England next month, for the first time! His parents are throwing a Sunday lunch reception for us (for the family members who can’t make our US wedding). I need a dress. Usually, I would go with Rent the Runway, but it’s not really an option while we’re travelling. I’m looking for a dress that can be dressed up or down (because I still haven’t gotten a handle on the formality of the event, long story):

    – Ideally, 3/4 length sleeves, as it may be chilly out and I have too many sleeveless dresses
    – Well above the knee. I’m short (5’3″), so dresses that are knee length on models tend to be too long/matronly. Also, if it ends up being more informal than I’m anticipating, it would be nice to be able to swap out heels for boots
    – Maybe silk or silky type material. I think lace would be too fussy/dressy, and jersey maybe too informal.
    – A non-black, but not too flashy color, and preferably not a pattern. As we’re traveling, I’d love to be able to re-wear the dress (with boots during a night out with friends, or with flats during the day) without looking like I’m wearing the exact same thing every day. I could add a fun statement necklace or something for the reception. I’m imagining a moss green, a muted peach, gray, navy…

    I guess I’m looking for something like the link below, but in one, more muted color.

    Thanks in advance for any ideas :)

  4. DontBlameTheKids

    I like the J.Crew dress, but my office requires sleeves, so I prefer the Black Halo dresses. Most retailers (Saks, Nordstroms) don’t carry the Jackie O with sleeves, but you can get it directly from the Black Halo website.

  5. Manhattanite

    Being a working mother is really depressing sometimes. Having a really tough time at work right now, I scramble to be home for bedtime and my toddler wants nothing to do with me. It’s Daddy or a temper tantrum. (He works too, just better hours than me. And better pay than me.)

    • anonforthis

      So sorry to hear that :( Just remember that these things go in phases. This is a crappy phase. Hopefully it will end soon.

      I hate to threadjack, but does anyone have experience being a working mother of two very differently aged kids? My first kid is due this summer and my stepdaughter starts high school this fall. Yesterday’s post about the chaos of adding a second kid post made me a little nervous about balancing it all, but I’m trying to tell myself that an oldest kid who can get herself ready is totally different than a toddler. Still, I’m a little worried about balancing our current routine of cooking dinner, homework help, activities, etc. in the evenings with an infant since we do not have money to throw at the problem so no hiring a maid or after school help. Any advice? Or any reassurance that everyone goes through this and everyone comes out on the other side?

      • Anon

        I have a 13 year old, a 5 year old and a just turned 3 year old. The 13 year old is a big help in that she can get herself ready (including breakfast). The harder part has been when she needs help with homework at the same time that the younger two need to do the bedtime routine and/or are having a meltdown because they are tired. On nights my husband is home, we divide and conquer and that works fairly well. On the nights he works late, it is harder. So for math (which honestly I can’t really help with anyway–the joke is true for me. That is why I am a lawyer. . . because I can’t do math), we have a college relative help her and the rest of the subjects she has to work on her own until I get the younger two to sleep. They do go to sleep fairly early, so there is enough time for me to help.

        Another interesting aspect is all the activities she does. Again, when my husband is home we either all go watch, or one will stay home with the younger kids. But if it is just me, then we all go and I entertain them the best I can (or for longer events I will try to get a sitter for them). My daughter is on a competitive dance team, so we all travel together for the competitions and we all watch her perform, but then one of us will usually take the younger two to swim at the hotel or something during the rest of the day. They really love cheering for their “sissy” and I think she really likes having the support from all of us.

        So it is a balancing act and it is certainly busy! We also try to make time for just our older daughter to do things she likes to do. She will willingly go along on zoo trips, etc with the younger kids, but we also make sure to take her to see a movie that she wants to see or out to starbucks or whatever. It has been so nice to watch their relationships develop, despite the age differences. She will paint her little sister’s toenails and sing silly songs with her little brother and they both just love anytime she gives them attention. (Not to say that she isn’t kicking them out of her room when she has friends over!) It is totally doable–just makes for a busy, full life!

      • CKB

        My parents thought they were done having kids for 10 years. They had 3, then 10 years later had 2 more. I’m the oldest of the bunch. My little sis was born when I was almost 14, and my youngest bro when I was 17.5 in December of my grade 12 year. My mom didn’t work outside the home. That being said…

        My mom has said that having the gap made things both harder & easier. Harder because there is generally more running around with older kids – more activities (my brothers were in lots of sports), more later nights because things go later, etc. However, it was easier because she had so much help from us older kids. My friends thought it was SO COOL that I had a baby sister (except for the ones that were all ‘I know what your parents have been doing!’). One thing she was very careful about was not assuming that us older kids would babysit when she needed a sitter. She always asked, and sometimes even paid. I do not ever remember missing an activity or a social event because I had to babysit. But I do remember teaching my little sister how to count, and how she thought it was so awesome when we both wore our denim short-alls and matched (it was the early 90’s), and how sometimes she’d come along on dates with me & my boyfriend, and how adorable all my friends thought she was. She was always so excited when I came home for a visit after moving away, and now that she’s an adult and a brand new mom, we’re starting to have a more traditional sister relationship (instead of a favorite aunt/niece type relationship).

        Your life will be busier, I’m sure, but your step daughter is at a great age to help & develop an awesome relationship with her new sibling.

        Just some thoughts from the other side….

      • Meg Murry

        And if nothing else, my cousin was 16 when her youngest brother was born, and she always jokes that he was the best birth control she could have had in high school and college – because she knew exactly how much work an infant was and how much she couldn’t have handled one at that point in her life!

    • JJ

      I’m sorry – I’ve had a lot of days like that! Sometimes it feels like I’m failing at everything I do because I can’t give anything 100% of my effort. And don’t get me started on toddler temper tantrums. I know they’re normal but I often wonder what in the world has possessed my normally even-keeled son.

      Please know that your feelings are temporary, it will get better, and spend some great bonding time with your toddler this weekend.

      • Manhattanite

        Yes! Yesterday was definitely a day of feelling like I’m failing at everything!

        For anonforthis — my younger sister was born right before I started high school and I had a great time with her when I was that age. I wasn’t old enough to be completely self-involved (like I was later in high school), but actually enjoyed being the responsible semi-adult.

    • Toddler mom

      Manhattanite, don’t feel bad. Toddlers are totally unreliable! And can be brutal expressing their feelings sometimes (I hear from a friend that it doesn’t help when they start learning tact.) I think just patience will help, though I know it can be super-frustrating.

      My toddler is the opposite and will clamor for me to the extent of telling DH “I don’t like you! I don’t want to play with you!” sometimes. I feel so bad but DH takes it in stride (“OK, I’ll play with Teddy Bear here.” “NOOOOO”) and it soon turns into giggles and silly stuff.

      No advice except please try and chill like my DH does (it’s harder to take as a mom, I know!), and know that it’s just a phase, and we’re not competing with our awesome spouses. Because your kid thinks you’re the Best Mom and his dad is the Best Dad around, but just sometimes would rather “play with” dad than mom or vice versa!

  6. Boston

    Attention Boston ‘rettes – I posted this the other day but am hoping for more responses, because I’d like to stop at a few places.
    I am turning 30, one of my sisters is turning 21, and the other is turning 23. To celebrate, we are planning to go to Boston for a weekend at the end of March. I have been to Boston, but I don’t know it well at all. I am looking for recommendations for a trendy lo.nge or b.r where we can have some dr.inks – nothing too clubby or stuffy, but a fun/hip/cool place where we won’t be out of place in not-too-dressy dresses. I will plan dinner and the hotel around the lounge, so location isn’t a huge concern yet.

    • Brant

      Beehive in the south end? It’s got live music and good food, so maybe consider it for dinner versus late night. Or go for the weekend jazz brunch.

    • anon in boston

      What about going to Drink? (but it can have a huge line to get in, get there early). The bartenders will ask what you like and make up a c*cktail for you.
      Drink review on yelp

      • MJ

        I have been to Drink several times–their c_cktails and bar bites are delicious. I had a fig compote/balsamic onion/apple grilled cheese bites the last time I was there–they were so good we made several orders of them!

        The doorman is absolutely insufferable and often “creates” the line–the place is not at all packed once you get in. I’ve never had to wait more than 20 mins, but 20 mins near the water can be quite chilly….Seriously though, some of the best drinks of my life (and I lived in NYC and London when the artisanal c_cktail craze first started, so that’s high praise). It’d be fun for a girl’s night if your group is not too large.

        Do not let the Yelp reviews re the horrid doorman turn you off. The bartenders are fantastic–great personalities, really chat with you to get a sense of what type of drink might please your palate. Last time I was there, they made me an elderflower/grapefruit infused sloe gin fizz. It was heavenly. It’s not a very mingly place–mostly set up for you to hang with the people you came with, in case that matters. Have fun!!!

        • Boston

          Thanks for all the wonderful recs! Drink sounds like the perfect spot to start, my sisters can tell the bartenders what kind of drink they like– they still have college taste. Do you know if they take reservations? Or what time “early” is? I know different cities go out at different times. Thanks!!

    • anon in boston

      I go out in Cambridge more than Boston, so here are a couple suggestions there:
      backbar (if you have $$$ to spend on dinner and are a foodie, you could eat at their restaurant too: Journeyman

      or Cuchi Cuchi which is a tapas restaurant, but I have only ever been there for drinks, it has very cute/fun decor

      • Hermione

        I love Journeyman/backbar, but I wouldn’t recommend them for a celebratory girls night out because the location is pretty random for people coming from out of town and the atmosphere is more casual.

        OP – I’m in my late 30s and have two small kids, so I haven’t gotten out to bars much recently, but I think it’s telling that you’ve gotten very little response to this question when you’ve posted it before. IMO, Boston doesn’t have the greatest scene for what you’re looking for. I’ve never been able to put my finger on why I feel this way – I think it stems from how broken up/isolated things are in Boston and how aggressively casual things are in Cambridge/Somerville. I can’t think of an area in Boston that’s equivalent to Old City/Rittenhouse in Philly, Fells Point/Canton in Baltimore, Georgetown in DC (or just about any avenue south of 110th in Manhattan) – where you can find a bunch of bars/restaurants with a similar vibe in the same location. Even in the South End of Boston, which probably has the highest density of these sorts of places, you can’t just wander down the street and find a fun place to go if your first choice is packed. Anyway, if you’re wedded to coming to Boston and want to be a bit dressy, I recommend you try dinner/early drinks at some place on the waterfront like Trade or one of the bars in the Intercontinental and then head over the bridge to Drink. If you’re okay with a more convention-y feel, you could also head further into South Boston and go to the area past the world trade center. There are a bunch of large restaurants/bars, and the third floor of the Legal Seafoods Harborside has a pretty great bar area where you would not be out of place in dressy clothes.

  7. LilyB

    Kat, the site keeps crashing my browser (Chrome)! It’s been doing it since yesterday.

  9. Cardi

    In the last week, my boss has had a parent with a very serious medical emergency and a grandparent pass away. We’re in small satellite office, and, for the most part, it’s just the two of us here. He’s been out of town dealing with these situations since last week and is planning to return next Monday. Any suggestions on a gesture to acknowledge the hard time he’s been having? I don’t want to get him flowers. I’ve handled/covered everything at work, and his wife has covered everything at home, so there aren’t any fires he’s going to need to put out when he gets back in town. I’m kind of at a loss for what, if anything, I should do. Something from a bakery?

    • Maudie Atkinson

      Is there a charitable cause or organization to which you can donate in honor/memory of his grandparent, perhaps mentioned in the obituary in lieu of flowers?
      It’s unclear if you’re thinking of doing something for when he’s back in town or still away, but I’ve found that even places that don’t deliver as a matter of course often will if you call and ask nicely. I’ve called local bakeries and asked them to deliver cupcakes, for example, to friends. I’ve also sent Jeni’s Ice Cream (they will ship overnight if you order from their website) to friends in far flung places when they’ve been through difficult times, like having a hospitalized relative. During a difficult time, some friends brought me bagels and cream cheese, which was a simple, comforting thing to eat when I couldn’t seem to choke down proper meals.
      In short, I think yes, something from a bakery would be nice, but mostly anything will reflect that you thought of him and know that this has been a challenging time, something I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.

  10. AttiredAttorney

    The recent threads about retirement savings and where commenters are in their personal retirement savings were very helpful to me. I’d love some similar input regarding philanthropic giving. How much of your income do you donate? Do you consider volunteer hours when you look at your yearly charitable giving (for personal satisfaction, not tax purposes)? I recently got a raise, and I would like to increase the amount of money I give to charitable causes, and I’m curious where others stand and if that changes based on where you are in your career.

    Also, does anyone give strategically for career advancement? Eg, to orgs whose boards you’d like to serve on, causes that offer networking opportunities, etc?

    • Senior Attorney

      I just did the math and last year I gave 7% of my gross income. Most of it goes to our local arts organization, but I also sponsor a child in Cambodia and set aside $200 per month for “other,” which I use for things that come up during the year and then distribute what’s left at the end of the year to some favorite causes.

      I volunteered and sat on boards for years but got way burned out and have stepped back from that in recent years. These days I mostly give my treasure rather than my time, and I’m okay with that.

      I have recently joined a local service club, mostly to meet some new people socially, and that has worked out really well so far.

    • Anon

      Hubby and I have recently switched to focusing on donating larger amounts to fewer organizations after reading that this can have a bigger impact. We do one environmental, one international development and one local. Makes me feel better about having a real impact. We still often do small donations ($20) at office fundraisers etc because those things are sometimes more about being part of the’ team’. YMMV. We aim for 10% of after tax+ pension contribution income.

    • locomotive

      I’ve been in the workforce for 4 years and am now in a graduate program. When I was working and earning ~100K, my annual giving was 7%, which was split 5% set yearly to PP and the EDF and 2% flexible to whatever I felt like that year (ranged from education interest groups to prison reform). I always felt like I was not giving enough at that point but I was really paranoid about financial security and not having to rely on my family as I was cutting most ties with my very toxic parents.

      Now that I’m in school (not paying tuition bc its funded), I make ~20K in a HOL area and give 3% to PP. There are some misc. funds and I estimate I spend another 1% (200) on friend’s race donations for charity, etc.

    • baseballfan

      We tithe to our church (10% gross, comes to ~16-17% net). The main other category is animal rescues, which I have a passion for and for which I also volunteer. I would say last year we gave a total of about $500 to various animal-related causes. I have not changed the level of financial giving in any way based on hours I do or don’t volunteer. Since I recently changed jobs, I have a little more free time and have picked up more volunteer hours.

      Other than that, I support office related things like March of Dimes and Salvation Army Christmas angels to a small degree, and donate to things like friends who are doing races for charities.

      The comment about giving strategically for career advancement is interesting because I have historically refused to donate to United Way for a few reasons, the main one being the degree to which it was forced upon us at my first job. My last firm seemed to be of the view that UW was supposed to be our main charitable giving for the year, based on the “suggested” donations by staff level. I am sure that significant giving to UW would have helped me professionally, but I had (and still have) some strong feelings against it.

    • Middle Coast

      I give approximately 10% of my gross income to various charities. Locally, I give to our art museum, a science museum, a natural history museum and the local library via the United Arts Fund at work via my paycheck. It is unsaid, but expected that you give. I also give to my church on a weekly basis. I buy a ton of candy bars, coffee, cookies, contribute to runs/walks for everything under the sun, etc. from my family, co-workers kids and my friends kids for various fundraiswers.

      I do not give to my alma mater – I think they’ve squeezed too much out of me already. I give nationally to mostly health related organizations, mostly for causes which have affected family members.

      I give my time to my children’s school at the present. I have a limited amount of time available and I like to spend it in the classrooms, seeing what is going on. So I lead a reading group and a writer’s group on a monthly basis and volunteer in the library. I also work the concession stand at various school events.

    • Portia

      My husband and I tithed 10% of our ($120,000) income and volunteered several hours a week with our church for years, but eventually stopped as we became increasingly uncomfortable with our church’s stance on gender and social issues. Unfortunately we haven’t sustained the same charitable giving since then, but we do give $1 a day through Google’s One Today app, $200 to our chosen “charity of the month,” $500 over the course of the year at work-related fundraiser events, $500 a year around Christmas to employer-chosen charities, and try to give charitably otherwise when the opportunity arises (like when Wikipedia asks for a $5 donation, or my coworker’s kid is selling chocolate to raise money for band camp). I’d love to up our charitable giving and start volunteering again, but it’s overwhelming to 1) find charities I believe in/trust enough to donate large amounts of money to (especially when that means not giving money to another equally worthy charity) and 2) find volunteer opportunities that are compatible with being a law firm associate and not always having control over my own schedule.

      • Anonymous

        “it’s overwhelming to 1) find charities I believe in/trust enough to donate large amounts of money to (especially when that means not giving money to another equally worthy charity) ”

        This. I know people have moved over to the afternoon thread, but would love any suggestions people have for screening charities (I know how to look up how much they’re spending on admin/salaries/fundraising vs. actual programs, but more interested in making sure I’m not donating to Cause A and having some of my money go to wholly unrelated Cause B which I do not agree with)

        • Philanthropy Girl

          I’m glad you’re doing you’re homework!

          I’ve found the best way to really screen a charity is to meet with them in person (or make a phone call if in-person isn’t an option). Take a facility tour, go to some programs, ask to meet service recipients, talk to program officers, CEOs and fundraisers. This is far easier with local organizations, but most national organizations have regional offices where you can have this type of meeting. National organizations are large and complex, but should be prepared to answer questions like what their funding does, what organizations they are affiliated with, and what their stance on a particular issue is.

          The first thing I always ask is if I can designated my gift to a particular program and how those designations are handled. This is actually why I stopped donating to March of Dimes. I am the mother of a preemie who died shortly after birth – so this is a hotbutton cause for me. But when I asked how they spent their donations (in particular, how much is directed toward research for a particular condition and how much is directed toward family support) I got terrible, BS answers. When I asked if I could designate a gift toward research for a particular condition, I was totally blown off with “donations help to fund research.” When I kept getting solicitations (including ones that looked like unpaid bills) that was the last straw. No more donations from me. I don’t have a lot to give, and I don’t like my money being wasted and not being treated respectfully by an organization.

          All that said – if you don’t get satisfactory answers to your questions, either find someone else at the organization to ask or move on to the next organization.

          Also talk to other supporters of the organization. Almost all organizations publish lists of their supporters, either on their website or in their annual report. You may find a name or two you know through personal or business contacts – reach out and ask why they support and if they’ve been happy with the organization. If you know people passionate about the same cause(s), ask them which organizations they support. Another donor’s testimony always speaks most profoundly.

          Hope that helps!

    • Sarabeth

      We give 5%, as recommended by Peter Singer in The Life You Can Save. Not strategically at all; or rather, I do give to more ‘strategic’ causes, but I don’t count those as part of the 5%, which I view as an ethical obligation to give where my money can do the most good. The secular equivalent of tithing, if you will. We give mostly to Give Directly, plus some local orgs such as food banks and domestic violence shelter.

      ‘Strategic’ causes include local dance foundation, the nonprofit where my best friend is on the board, etc.

    • anon

      Can I say that I feel a lot of numbers on this site regarding money are skewed? People who have high incomes or good budgeting habits are more apt to respond to these threads.

      • Alana

        Agreed. Is there a good place for a government attorney to get advice? In other words, moderate income, high debt.

  11. LilyB

    Just finished reading “Mindless Eating: Why we eat more than we think.” Overall I thought the book was rather useless. However, I’m trying to get my money’s worth and the one thing I took away was to make two to three 100-calorie changes in my diet, which could add up to a significant amount of weight in a year. But I’m having a hard time coming up with those changes.

    I don’t drink soda (when I do, it’s diet coke, which I know isn’t great but I don’t do it regularly enough for it to be a problem), so that’s an easy one that won’t apply to me but may be very helpful for some people.

    Any other 100-calorie diet change ideas? Not really looking for 100-calorie exercise changes as I walk to and from work (3-4 miles a day) and work out several times a week already. TIA!

      • LilyB

        not a coffee drinker, but those are great tips for anyone who is. I pretty much just drink black tea. I’m afraid that there will be no quick “fixes” like that for me… my “fixes” will be to stop eating junk. which sounds so dreadful :(

        • Frugal doc..

          Yup…

          You have to stop buying the junk. Just don’t have it in the house.

          I cannot resist a bag of potato chips. No way. Just can’t even have them there….

          Find some better snacks. Make popcorn yourself when you want the crunch/salt. Peanut butter/yogurts/nuts when you need some fat. Fruit when you want the sweet

          BUT… when I’m going to be bad or want to treat myself, I buy the absolute best most satisfying bad food I can. Why waste the calories on something that isn’t even that good or satisfying? But buy a limited quantity, allow yourself to eat it and enjoy it, and then get back on track. It works for me, but not for everyone.

          You can do it!!

          • LizNYC

            Single serving cups of ice cream, frozen yogurt or even Jello puddings are my fail safe when I need a snack in the evening. I’m allowed to eat the whole thing and no more (like, I can’t eat two jello puddings or two fro-yos). For days when I feel like I’ve really eaten a lot, but I still need a snack, a sugar-free jello is only 10 calories.

          • Anon from Chicago

            I freeze yoplait whips. They are about 140-160 calories, and not that great if you are eating them as yogurt for breakfast, but as a snack/treat, they are wonderful. They have some protein, are cold like ice cream, and take a while to eat, making them very satisfying.

        • Brant

          Buy your junk snack, but only eat half. It’s wasteful, but I throw the other half away (or give to the dog/husband as appropriate). Once it’s in the trash/dog’s mouth/husband’s hand, those calories are dead to me.

      • Reiss Smithfield

        I have a question: do lattes have sugar? I like the lattes from Illy cafes (Espressamente Illys) and I usually order a latte. I don’t pretend it’s a health drink, but I’m wondering if it’s just coffee + milk.

      • Anon from Chicago

        What fun is that?

        In all seriousness though, I cut alcohol during the week. Like, no glass of wine or beer with dinner. Friday night – Sunday, I can do whatever, but just not during the week. If you are someone who enjoys wine or beer with dinner, or an after dinner drink, even just one, cutting these during the week can be 500-1000 calories.

    • Frugal doc..

      What are your typical “snacks”?
      Are you a bread/rice/potato lover?

      If your favorite snack/treat is something highly caloric, think of changing it to yogurt or nuts. Studies show that people who eat yogurt and/or nuts daily live longer! Full fat in your yogurt is fine and stay away from the high added sugar yogurt.

      If you grab breadstarch with a meal, leave it out and start making a second vegetable or a salad with every dinner instead.

      If you still love your potato.. switch to sweet potato, and smaller ones.

      Start measuring/weighing your portions of your dinner meal for awhile to get a feeling for how much you are eating compared with a recommended serving size, and then just cut back a small bit.

      Are you a late night eater? Again, if you get the muchies late, try to substitute a snack that satisfies your hunger craving so you wont binge, which often includes a little fat…. like an apple with a spoonful of peanut butter.

      Good luck!

      • January

        Can someone please explain why a sweet potato is better than a regular one? A potato is pretty much a standard part of my dinner, but I am confused as to whether or not they are good for you.

        • marketingchic

          It’s my understanding that sweet potatoes have more fiber, as well as more vitamins.

          • CKB

            Thanks for posting this site – I looked at all their showdowns – they are very interesting & I learned something!

        • Anon

          I’m no expert, but from what I understand a sweet potato takes longer to digest than a regular potato so it doesn’t raise blood sugar as much and has more fiber and also has more nutrients. But a regular potatoe (especially without all the toppings or fried) is still a healthy food.

        • anon

          They’re not really that different calorically – sweet potatoes have slightly less calories but not so much that it really makes a difference. Sweet potatoes do have substantially higher Vitamin A though. Potatoes in general are not “good” or “bad” for you – they’re a startchy carb, with moderate amounts of fiber and vitamins, so it’s a decent choice *for a startchy carb.* Despite being called a vegetable, however, they are NOT nearly as nutriotionally dense, and are way higher in calories, as other vegetables – same for corn. Do not substitute it for more nutritious vegetables – leafy greens, broccolli, cauliflower, etc.

        • Anon

          Potatoes are healthy! I think they get a bad rap because people load them with butter. But, if you type in “potatoes vs sweet potatoes” in google, it has a feature that gives you a side-by-side comparison of the nutrition facts. They’re about the same – sweet potatoes have slightly more fiber, potatoes have more potassium and slightly more protein, and regular potatoes are slightly higher glycemic index.

        • Baconpancakes

          A lot of the health benefits come from sweet potatoes having a lot of flavor by themselves, so that you might eat a sweet potato by itself with just a bit of salt and pepper, but a plain potato kind of needs butter or oil to make it palatable.

          • Frugal doc

            Yes, the sweet potato has more vitamins, fiber and more flavor then a plain potato, so the idea is you can be satisfied with a smaller one with less added butter etc.. Delicious skin!

      • LilyB

        My typical snacks are celery/peanut butter (it’s ridiculous how many calories 2 tbsp of PB has, and I probably usually eat more like 3), cheese/crackers (I know this one is really bad), grapes if I’m being good (still, a lot of sugar).

        I’m vegetarian so I end up eating a lot of dairy and carbs. I do eat yogurt pretty frequently, usually in a smoothie. But I should switch to the flavorless kind (now I usually use the vanilla greek no-fat kind) and just compensate with more berries.

        I do like making my own popcorn.. that’s a great idea, maybe I should just get used to making a couple batches every week so I always have baggies of it on hand. Definitely a super satisfying snack that isn’t too calorie-heavy.

        just ordered a food scale!

          • Frugal doc..

            +1 agree with this. Watch for the added sugars on the peanut butter.

            I have found that sometimes a vegetarian diet can be lower on the fats that you often need to feel full/satisfied. I eat mostly vegetarian, but not completely. The problem is that the protein/fat hole that many meat/proteins fill with things that can be higher in carbs…. which can lead to hunger later and more overeating. So it’s tricky… see if you can find some healthier things with added fats to add to meals to try to keep you from feeling “starving” a couple hours after eating…. Maybe it’s more olive oil in your (home made) salad dressing, avocados, nuts etc.. I even “cook” my popcorn in olive oil. I love the flavor, and I have started to notice Trader Joe’s selling olive oil popcorn…

            I do like the idea of just incorporating small changes into your diet, which you are trying. Much less stressful…

        • Shopaholic

          I don’t think the cheese and crackers is necessarily bad but maybe switch to whole grain crackers? Maybe I’m biased though because I love cheese and crackers…

    • Anon

      Have you kept track of your food? I think if you keep a journal (or use an online tracker), you will be able to see where you can likely make changes. Maybe you add a tablespoon extra dressing to your salad you could do without. Or maybe you eat too large a portion of cheese, etc. This way you can also look at your overall calorie intake. I know I was making myself the most delicious oatmeal in the morning, but once I added up the calories in it (especially from the pecans and crasins I was adding) it was probably twice the amount of calories I should have been eating for breakfast. So I started measuring out a proper portion (especially of toppings again) and that made it fit within my daily calorie goal.

    • LizNYC

      I could be scaling down the serving size of whatever you’re eating. Taking the smaller slice of pizza or having a sandwich using one slice or bread (or putting the sandwich fillings over greens for a salad, because the greens have fewer calories). If you drink full-sugar iced teas, you could switch to sugar-free…

    • Clementine

      Always choose your sandwich open faced (one slice of bread versus two), no juices or choosing to heavily dilute juice with water or seltzer, switch to wine spritzers instead of a glass of wine, scoop out bagels, choose vinegar, salt, pepper and a touch of oil over high cal salad dressings.

        • Clementine

          A scooped bagel filled with a schmear of hummus and a bunch of veggies (I like shredded carrot, chopped tomato, capers and a bit of red onion makes a pretty awesome meal without feeling like you’re in any way sacrificing.

          I’m all about whole foods, making smart choices, don’t drink your calories, fill half your plate with veggies, eat on a salad plate and making sure the healthy stuff is at my fingertips and the junk is harder to get.

          Also- if I’m going to have a sugary treat, I’m going to make it worth it. If I’m in the mood for cake, I will pass on grocery store shortening sugar cake handed out at work but really enjoy the fantastic lemon-blueberry cake from my local artisan bakery. Subpar just isn’t worth it.

        • Anonymous

          Thin bagels are great too – half the calories of a regular bagel, but all the same ingredients. My grocery store caries several different brands.

      • Kathryn

        Mine would be cooking with less olive oil. I started trying to lose weight recently and have realized that although my food might stick a bit more (or not taste as good) I can afford to use less oil when cooking.

      • bkfoer

        I love the nakano flavored rice vinegars as low calorie salad dressing — I don’t even use any oil, just splash the rice vinegar on. So yum.

    • AIMS

      When I want to cut back on calories, I switch to a salad plate instead of a dinner plate.

      • Scout

        + 1 it’s amazing how I will fill my plate just to fill it and end up eating much more than I need.

    • Mpls

      Sorbet/fruit pops instead of ice cream. I’m a sucker for anything (good) lemon flavored – Edy’s and Haagan Daz are pretty good.

      • Anon from Chicago

        I also just bought some of the little things that you can make your own popsicles in (i think they were $3 at Ikea, but then have them all over the place). I make smoothies with fruit, protein powder, greek yogurt, and juice and then freeze them in these pops. Totally satisfying — even my kids love them (and once a week, I let them have one for breakfast and they think they are hitting the jackpot!)

    • anon

      Switch out starchy carbs for veggies. Spaghetti squash for pasta; green wraps for tortillas; mashed cauliflower for potatoes. Also healthy snack substitution: actual oatmeal instead of a granola bar, make your own hummus (there are so many additives in the store-bought variety, and i prefer the taste of my own can-of-chickpeas in a food processor!); frozen bananas instead of ice cream.

    • NOLA

      I undertook eating healthier in October. I”ve lost about 25 lbs without feeling like I’m dieting. Here are some things I’ve done:

      -making sure I have some healthy snack type of things that I can eat when I walk in the door starving (Skinny Pop black pepper popcorn, whole grain goldfish) and cute little bowls that I can use to limit my portions.
      -have healthy food that’s easy to prepare and I actually want to eat during the week (chicken and apple sausages, sauteed chicken chunks, carrots, blanched green beans, grape tomatoes hummus)
      -don’t have sugary snacks or sweets in the house. If I have them, it’ll have to be something I have as a treat (like stopping at Yogurtland on the way home from church or picking up a cookie at Whole Foods).

      But truly this is all about how you want to eat and what works for you!
      -take food to work for lunches that I will eat and that I can grab even when I only have a few minutes. Occasionally I treat myself to Subway.

    • Anon

      Eat more fiber – at least 30g a day. You will absorb less calories, but only if you don’t eat enough fiber to begin with with.

    • anon

      Sorry to post again – I don’t post on this site often but I’m a health educator with a background in nutrition and there are a lot of misconceptions going on in this thread. I just want to clarify that the only food group that can be called inherently “healthy” – as in, all beneficial with nearly no downside because of how little calories they have- are non-startchy-vegetables, closely followed by fruit (also incredibly chock-full of vitamins but higher in calories, so you can’t eat in unlimited quantities).

      The rest of the food we eat is not inherently healthy or unhealthy – it’s all relative. Whole grains are a healthier choice than simple ones (e.g., white bread), but white bread is also better than a bowl of Lucky Charms. Then again, eating a whole loaf of whole grain bread is not healthy either! Popcorn or rice cakes are “healthier” snacks than potato chips because they have less calories and fat, but it also isn’t “healthy” per se because they don’t have much of anything in them, including vitamins. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t eat any of this – it just means that you need to examine your chocies and try to get most of your calories from foods that pack a nutritional punch, while minimizing less-nutritionally-dense calorie sources.

      • Frugal doc..

        Yeah, I think most here get it. It’s all relative.

        Most of us can’t be perfect, and honestly, life would be a little boring without some junk snacks but we are trying to be forgiving and realistic.

    • Anonymous

      I do a sweets/cheese every other day instead of every day.

      It’s easy for me to see cheese/cookies as an every day thing either with dinner or at the end of the day, so this has helped me cut about 100 or 200 calories out a couple times a week.

      also, I will replace vegetarian meals with higher protein (i.e. instead of Chipotle veggie bowl with guacamole, I’ll get barbarcoa without guacamole– it’s higher protein, lower fat and lower calories).

  12. IS IT BABY TIME?

    I just turned 30 in January and I’m having so much anxiety about having a baby. I think some or most of my feelings are felt by most professional women but I feel like it’s becoming pretty overwhelming for me at times. If any of you have gone through these feelings or have tips, I certainly welcome them.

    – How will my life change? No more week long trips to the Caribbean once a year or weekend trips to NYC. No more long trips to gym on Saturday mornings. Will I regret not being able to do these things? Do you ever have this regret?
    – How will my relationship with my husband change? Will it change for the better or for the worse?
    – Work. My boss and my bosses boss both dislike children. They don’t just not want them, they kind of dislike them. They get really annoyed when people show videos of their children to others (sayings things like, no one cares about your kid, etc., behind co-workers back of course). My bosses boss was telling me about how my predecessor went to work for another company and she got pregnant exactly a year after they hired her. How could she do that to them?? Maybe that was his tip for – don’t get pregnant or I’ll hold it over your head and make your life miserable. It makes me nervous that my relationship with my supervisors could take a total 180. I currently enjoy my job but I seriously don’t know what their reaction would be if I told them, “surprise! I’m pregnant!”.

    I don’t think I can hack a 40+ hour work week with a child under one year of age. I could ask if reduced hours are a possibility. I could quit and be a SAHM (husband makes enough that we could live comfortably but we wouldn’t be able to save anything). I could quit my current job and do contract work sporadically.

    So many decisions to be made. People have told me that I don’t have to decide about work right now, I’m not even pregnant yet! This is helpful advice but I just feel overwhelmed about this. I feel like I went from a carefree 23 year old to 30 years old over night. Where does time go?

    • Ellen

      Hug’s to you. I am almost 3 years older then you, and am faceing the same issue’s. My boss tho does like children, as Margie is NOW pregnant and she is alot younger then the manageing partner.

      Yes, I think thing’s will change. I also like goeing to the health club, and eateing at Crumb’s but know that once I am pregenant I will NOT be abel to to that anymore, and I will NOT be abel to stay up late eateing pie’s with Myrna b/c I will have to have a better regiment in sleep and diet.

      Also, my clotheing budget will have to change; no more styeish outfit’s until after I loose weight after the Baby is born and no more silly impulse thing’s for ME b/c it will be for the baby. Grandma Leyeh and Grandma Trudy are already discusseing who will take care of the baby while I am at work, but if I marry WILLEM (or Sam), mabye that will be a moot point b/c I may have to live in Belgum or the UK.

      And yes, workeing hours could be a probelem. No way will I work 40 hour’s a week, or even BILL 40 hour’s a week for the first year. That is why I need to MARRY a guy who has alot of money and can suport me and our BABY without me haveing to work at ALL! That should be the goal of all of us. We carry the child, the man carries the both of us financeally b/c we carried tha child. Men have it easy. All they have to do is get us pregenent (which is fun for them) and then they just watch as our boobies and tuchuses grow to handel the baby. We are the one’s that have to give birth and take care of the babie’s and that is alot of work. Rosa said that she was onley back from the hospital for 2 day’s before Ed wanted sex, and she was NOT even in a condition to do anything, especialy regular sex. FOOEY! I hope my husband is alot more considereate of me and the baby.

      For now, my biggest probelem is finding a guy. The artificieal insemination thing is also a possibility, but I do NOT want to have to bring up a baby by myself, even if Grandma Leyeh or Grandma Trudy help with the baby. Now that I am OVER 30, I think it is my time to take it a littel slower! YAY!!!!!!!

    • Anon

      I had a baby at 29. I had the same fears you did, but DH and I want three, and i want to avoid being pregnant after 35 if possible (not saying it’s bad- it’s a personal preference).

      – How will my life change?
      You can still have trips to the Carribbean or NYC, they just take on a more family-friendly feel. We went to Aruba with a 5 month old and had a great time. I’d imagine once they get older you have to be more mindful of picing family-friendly places, but the baby just slept!

      No more long trips to gym on Saturday mornings- not necessarily. I don’t go to the gym because I WANT TO SLEEP, but if I wanted to spend 3 hours at the gym, DH would be home with the kiddo. However, we have a more family-friendly approach to exercise. In good weather, DH and I go to the park or beach with the baby and dog. DH runs with the dog, I run with the jogging stroller. We end the run at a local coffee shop and have breakfast by the water. Not the gym, but not a bad way to get in your exercise, plus we feel that it will help instill a positive view of exercise in the kids as they get older. We also have a bike trailer for the baby which we will use this summer!

      – How will my relationship with my husband change? Will it change for the better or for the worse? So far, DH has been a great dad. He’s had a bit of a learning curve learning how to help, since he couldn’t, you know, breast feed. I had to do a lot of list-making and he just ran through the list as best he could. We have less s3x than we used to, but it’s because WE ARE SO TIRED.

      – Work. This is hard. I have a flexible job, and my boss is a working mom of twins. Her boss, our CEO, is a working mom. If it helps, I got an awesome 2013 review last week and a promotion, and I was out on mat leave for 4.5 months. If you are good at what you do, that won’t change. You do need to be careful about setting boundaries—I am much more resistant to take late meetings, am not my phone answering emails until midnight, etc.

      I’ve considered quitting and doing contract work, but my baby LOVES daycare. She’s overall an easy baby. This is not the case for everyone.

      For us, we decided when I was 28 and DH was 30 that we wanted to start trying. It was really strange at first, thinking OH MY GOD WHAT ARE WE DOING. And while I had an easy pregnancy, I hated being pregnant. It totally cramped my style. The baby was/is SUCH an easy baby that it’s far easier to have her around than be pregnant with her.

      The little buggers are expensive, though!

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Okay, I don’t have a kid, but I’m of similar age and have had similar thoughts, so here’s some of what I’ve come up with, at least for myself:

      1. You can absolutely travel with kids. It may not be as easy as it is now, but I’m not really sure why a young kid can’t spend a week in the Caribbean or a weekend in NYC with you (or a week or weekend at Grandma’s or whatever if you’d rather occasionally travel without the kiddo). Same for things like long trips to the gym – where’s your H in all of this? Couldn’t he step in for an hour or two on Saturday while you preserve your gym routine? Or couldn’t you find a gym that offers childcare? You don’t lose your right to personal time just because you have a kid, you just have to plan for it a little more (at least from what I’ve seen through friends with kids).

      2. Friends that have had kids seem to report that the relationship change thing is very dependent on what your relationship was like before baby, as well as your H’s enthusiasm for having a baby. Friends with shaky relationships are having a rough go of it; friends whose spouses kind of “gave in” on the baby front without necessarily having a specific desire for a kid are also having a rough go of it. The others (with stronger relationships/Hs with more enthusiasm for having a kid) seem to have gone through periods of adjustment, and their relationships (by their admission) are different, but generally as good/better.

      3. Work, for you, sounds like a flustercluck. I’m in a similarly baby-unfriendly environment, and it’s the one issue I haven’t resolved for myself yet. I wish I had more to say on that front, but I’ve got no answers on this one.

      The best thing I did that assuaged my anxiety was to talk to my gyno about fertility. I had 30 fixed in my head as the “baby or bust” age, based in part on cultural/family norms and in part on media hysteria about women who “wait too long” and end up unable to have babies. My doctor heard me out, took me seriously, and then went through my medical history with me and explained why I have until at least 35 before I have to be concerned. Knowing I could “extend the deadline,” so to speak, made me feel a lot calmer and less like I had to figure it all out right this second.

      • anonforthis

        I agree with a lot of this. The only thing that would really concern me is the not family friendly environment at your work. I work 40 hours/week and commute an hour each way and it’s totally doable kid-wise, but I also am in the type of environment where 2 out of 3 supervisors don’t even bat an eye if I have PTO available and have to use it on short notice to go pick up a sick kid. (The third supervisor is a childless male :)).

        The relationship thing is very true. How do you communicate now when you’re stressed at work/tired/sick? Because that is how you will be communicating when you have a kid. Also what are your thoughts on food/discipline/sleep routines/etc.? If you’re on the same page, your relationship will remain smoother just because you’re both already thinking generally the same thing. Also is your partner likely to back you up on dumb stuff when the kid is older? Like if I tell my kid no soda and then she goes to ask her dad, he’ll say no even if he thinks it’s fine for her to have a soda because I already said no and he’s not going to undermine that.

        As for the regrets, there are absolutely nights when I come home from work and I just want to lay on the couch and watch non-child appropriate terrible reality TV with a glass of wine or read my own book in peace instead of having to read out loud with my child or answer a million questions. But, you really do adjust and there’s actually something to be said for having to put on a happy face for the kids at the end of a bad day at work. Faking it does kind of snap you out of your bad mood a lot of the time. As for vacations, sure you may not do them exactly the same way as you did before, but kids are portable and there’s no need to miss out on a week in the sun. We just do more family vacations now because cousins = we don’t have to entertain the kids, just make sure nobody hits or throws sand. Also, we can watch my sister’s kids one night so they have date night and then they watch our kids the next so my husband and I can go out to fancy restaurant.

        I mean, there is definitely a reason that a lot of parents won’t shut up about their kids. They are time consuming and are the main thing you do outside of work. But it doesn’t mean you can’t do things you want. You might need to make some accomodations but it’s not like you can never do the things you enjoy ever again.

    • Orangerie

      Looking forward to reading responses on this. I’m nowhere near being ready to have kids, but I’m not sure if I even want them. It just seems like once children are in the picture, you have zero life for the next 18 years. Work, BF, friends and exercise already leave me with barely any free time. I really can’t imagine even being responsible for a dog, let alone a kid or two.

      • roses

        Oh come on. After the first couple of years, your kids will not be around you 24/7. Yeah, it’s super time intensive before the little ones are ready for school, but unless you have a child with extreme special needs, it’s completely unrealistic to think that you’re not going to have a life for *18* years! Did you never go to school, sleep over friends’ houses, have a relative/babysitter watch you when you were little, go out on your own or with friends as a teen….what do you think your parents did the whole time you were doing these other things??

        • Orangerie

          Right, but even when they are school aged, you still have to get them ready in the morning, pick them up in the afternoon or at a reasonable hour from daycare/after school activities, help them with their homework at night… etc etc.

          Obviously I went to school, but thanks for your concern.

          • roses

            I wasn’t trying to be condescending – sorry if my post came off that way. I had a reflexive reaction because 1) I wanted to stick up for the parents out there of 0 – 18 year olds that do in fact have lives outside of their children, and 2) to try to add some relatable perspective to absolve you of the idea that parenthood is like falling into a big black hole. I don’t actually have kids myself, but many close friends do – and they’re still my friends, we still go out and have fun. Things change, yeah, but it’s GOOD for your kids to give them some room and have a life of your own, especially as they get older.

          • KLG

            You’re not wrong to discount that fear Orangerie. I mean obviously you have a life during that 18 years, but you are totally right about weeknights after school being pretty involved. Some kids are really independent and will go off and do their homework by themselves but my 8th grader is a daydreamer and no homework will get done unless she is sitting at the kitchen table where one of us can keep an eye on her and make sure she is working and not zoning out. BUT I have come to love kids sports that involve sitting in the bleachers. There are worse ways to spend my spring evenings than sitting outside, even if I’m sitting outside on a bleacher watching kids sports instead of sitting on the patio of a bar somewhere.

    • Mrs. Jones

      Everything about your life will change when you have a baby, in an instant. You may regret it sometimes, like when your toddler refuses to put on his shoes after being asked 10 times. I miss being able to exercise as much as I want. I miss having spending money that now pays for day care. Etc. But if you want a baby, then do what you have to do, and your new family will be worth it. I read somewhere that being a parent isn’t necessarily fun but it does create the occasional moment of sheer joy, and I think that’s true.
      You are luckier than most, if you have different work options. You certainly don’t need to make those work decisions now, and many moms change their mind after the baby is born anyway. Good luck.

      • mascot

        +1 to the moments of sheer joy. There will also be moments of sheer terror and incredible frustration. The rewarding parts and the challenges change with age. That’s what keeps it interesting. It’s also hard to fathom how doing “kid things” could be fun when all you know is how fun “adult things” are. So yes, I may like and miss going out for a leisurely brunch on Saturday, but it’s also really fun to teach my child how to make brunch at home. And I can get my adult brunch fix on grandparent weekends. So it’s not that I have fewer choices of things to do, they just get done at different times.

      • AnonLawMom

        +1
        You make major personal sacrifices when you have kids. And yes, most of us will admit that there are moments of missing the good old days when we could be selfish. But regretting having kids? Nope. Not a chance. You are extremely lucky you have the option to work or not work. That eliminates a huge source of stress of becoming a mom that most of us deal with.

      • CKB

        And then they grow up. And if you have more than one you get to see those sibling relationships develop. I love hearing my 11 & 8yo playing together, or my 14 & 11 yo discussing scientific principles (they are future engineers or scientists, I’m convinced). You get to see the type of person they are starting to become. I love having conversations with my boys. You get to start doing all those activities you enjoyed before kids WITH your kids. We love skiing, hiking, going to museums, sporting events as a family. Your travel may become less frequent and more expensive, and different locations, but the Disney vacation we went on last spring was SO MUCH FUN. Eventually your oldest is old enough (and responsible enough) to watch his/her siblings for a few hours, so your dates with your husband no longer require paying a babysitter as well. You enjoy weekends away with your husband more because the time is more precious. You get to see another side of your husband because he is now also a dad, and it makes you love him more.

        Nothing compares to your child giving you a big hug & saying ‘I love you mom’ – even when he’s taller than you. And you cherish those 14yo hugs because you aren’t sure when they will stop for a while.

        Your life changes into something different. Sometimes worse, sometimes better. Parenting is hard. So hard. But the rewards are amazing. As long as you go into parenthood realizing things will be different, and being OK with it (kind of like traveling to a foreign country) it will be fine. And no stage your child is in that is driving you crazy lasts forever – it always morphs into another stage that hopefully annoys you less. And that’s enough sappiness from me for today :p

    • EB0220

      I have a two year old and another on the way. I have a few thoughts.

      – Travel: Trips may be a bit tougher but you don’t have to stop traveling when you have a child. Babies in particular are generally pretty easy travelers. You have to put some thought into the packing/logistics, but it’s very doable. My toddler has taken 10+ trips involving flying, and I usually fly without my husband (he meets us places b/c of work travel).

      – Relationship: I think you have to communicate even more when you have a child. There are so many inherent expectations that you don’t necessarily talk about beforehand. They’re not really that big or important, necessarily, but you may find that you feel strongly about them. Sometimes we just don’t know what kind of parent we will be in advance, so open discussion is crucial. In general, I think having a child magnifies the issues you may already have. On the plus side, it adds a whole new dimension to your relationship as well. It’s kind of mind-blowing to know that the two of you created this awesome little person.

      – Work: The first year back after your child is born is really tough. I think you need understanding co-workers and a bank of goodwill built up from previous good work. I would think about your current job situation and whether it’s right for you post-kid. The timing of a change can be tricky, but it’s something to start talking with your husband about. Think about your personality (would being a SAHM drive you crazy?). I know lots of people do both extremes happily (SAHM or very demanding job) but there’s a sweet spot for me – intellectually challenging and interesting job with a family friendly company.

    • Fellow European

      While we’re on the subject –

      Did anyone go through a significant portion of their pregnancy and/or first year of their child’s life while their husband/partner was living elsewhere? We’re looking at living apart (several hours by plane) for the next 1-2 years due to job situations, and I’m mid 30s. So trying to figure out where kids fit into that (we have none right now).

      • EB0220

        I have done it (kind of) and it’s really really tough. My husband was away for the last month of my 1st pregnancy for a training class. He was scheduled to be back by week 37 but my sweet daughter made her appearance at 36.5 and he missed the birth. That was sad, although everything went fine. Since then, he is gone M-Thu every week. It’s been hard on multiple levels – #1 I am fully responsible for our daughter 4 days/week. #2 – I already have an established routine with her so I usually end up doing most stuff on the weekends too. (Don’t let yourself fall into this trap. I don’t really care, but it’s the principle!) #3 – It’s not too emotionally tough for a baby, but once they are over 1, they will really miss whichever parent is gone. And once they get toward 2, they start verbalizing it, and that’s even harder. Bottom line – we are expecting #2 and my husband is now rather frantically looking for a non-travel job. It’s doable – and we are fine – but it’s not easy.

      • anonforthis

        My husband currently works M-F 8-5 and then is on call for a week every 6 weeks but he could get a promotion if he was willing to work a 12 hour shift on a 2-2-3 schedule with no on call duties (Week 1: work M/T, off W/Th, Work F/Sat/Sun, Week 2: off M/T, work W/Th, off F/Sat/Sun, repeat). We have one kid now and another on the way and I told him I just didn’t think I could handle every other weekend by myself with 2 kids. Sometimes I just need a break and having him around most of the time means I can say “I need a break, can I go totally off duty for an hour?” and he can do the same to me. But YMMV.

    • Anon in NYC

      Are you me? Slightly older but right there with you. So, no advice, just commiseration.

    • TBK

      The babies aren’t born yet, but a few thoughts:

      1) I have lots of friends who switch off going to the gym and watching the kids. So one parent goes Saturday morning and the other goes Sunday morning. The people who do this find they’re better about going to the gym now than before they had kids because it’s 100% “me” time, which they don’t get otherwise.

      2) My husband and I went out to the movies and dinner last night (last date night before babies!) and he told me several times how much he loves me, how much he missed me when I was in the hospital, and how beautiful he thinks I am. It’s one thing to have your husband think you’re beautiful when you’re doing your hair and makeup every day and wear decent clothes. It’s something else altogether when he says all these things after spending a winter schlepping to and from the hospital for you, you haven’t worn make up or done your hair properly in months, you can only wear stretch pants because even your maternity clothes don’t fit, and your ankles (of which you’ve always been sort of vain) are giant elephant cankles attached to swollen feet that barely even fit in the ugly comfort clogs you bought out of desperation. I wasn’t insecure in our marriage before, but I feel more loved and secure than ever now. It’s just a whole new depth to our marriage.

  13. Famouscait

    I thought I’d report two good customer service interactions I’ve had in the last week. First, Nordstrom will pride adjust for you, even if the item is now considered on the Rack site. Saved me $50 on these nice pumps to celebrate my awesome success at work:
    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/cole-haan-air-chelsea-low-pump/3393645

    Secondly, I bought two pairs of shoes at Lands End and had a discount code for one pair that I’ve decided to return. They’ve agreed to apply the discount code to the pair I’m keeping once the return is processed! I’m retuning these pumps because of the color (too orange) but like them otherwise (good padding and arch support):
    http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-randi-mid-heel-pumps/id_265185

    I’m keeping these boots, which are already at a fantastic price w/o additional discount:
    http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-emory-low-heel-tall-boots/id_262691_253

  14. Anon

    1. Trips – you’re allowed to bring babies/children to California and NYC – you can still travel, it will however be a bit more expensive/logisitically challenging.

    2. Husband – things will be different – I fell in love with my husband all over again when I saw him parent our child but no more s*xy times wherever/whenever

    3. Work – per Sheryl Sandberg – don’t leave before you leave – you’re not even pregnant yet. That said, your bosses don’t sound very pleasant – if you don’t love your job maybe start a job hunt, look to build contacts in case it doesn’t work out post-baby

  15. Famouscait - seeking an Excel wizard

    I’ve got two separate Excel lists of people. Everyone has a unique ID number. I want to take the people in list 1 out of list 2. Isn’t there a way to do this with a Vlookup function?

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