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Coffee Break: ‘Elements – Jardin de Papillon’ Chain Link Stud Earrings

Work Earrings: Alexis Bittar 'Elements - Jardin de Papillon' Chain Link Stud EarringsMy love affair with Alexis Bittar continues, and while these are post earrings, they're a great example of the kind of thing I would wear to work — they're interesting but there's no movement with them, just a bit of bling. The gold and gunmetal versions are $55, but there's a lighter-looking rhodium pair for $75. Alexis Bittar ‘Elements – Jardin de Papillon' Chain Link Stud Earrings (L-2)

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212 Comments

  1. Kind of continuing this mornings theme – if you’re 35 and single, how do you make yourself own it, have fun in public and NOT feel like a loser?

    Got invited to a wedding and I’d like to go just to get a weekend away from the routine. I like to travel but being single w no bf, I don’t really get to (as I get a LOT of judgment from my Indian family if I even mention a short vacation alone and I have no friends to bring as they travel w their husbands now). So this is an American wedding a 2 hr flight away. I have no one to bring. I thought it’d be fine as I have a friend and her husband going and I figured we’d hang out, stay at the same hotel. Of course as it always happens, they’re bringing their 2 yr old to the city and to the wedding, will opt out of the hotel block and stay with her bro so the cousins can play. Totally fine as she has to look out for her family, but once again I know I’ll sit in the corner feeling bad about myself that I have no one at this age. How do I force myself past this self consciousness?

    1. I always just drink a lot at weddings and usually some guy will come out of the woodwork to hook up with.

      I hate weddings.

      1. I am dreading a wedding I’m going to this summer… on my birthday………with people I went to grad school with get to see that I’m utterly single 5 years later while they’re all married. Y.A.Y.

        I have got to figure out how to handle this, or else get myself staffed on some deal that will close around that time.

    2. No real advice in general, but have you asked your married GFs if they’d like to travel with you? I have a husband but I would LOVE to travel with a girlfriend because my husband has much less interest in travel than I do. I think a lot of my single girlfriends assume I won’t be interested in girls trips and the like and it bums me out.

        1. I am *also* married and would love the opportunity to travel with a girlfriend.

      2. I think you’re an anomaly – my married friends only travel with their husbands these days.

        2. Nah, I’m another married woman who loves to travel with girlfriends (or just one girlfriend).

          1. It could be because all my friends are newly engaged or newly married. They don’t do anything without the hubbies. Eyeroll.

          2. Yeah, from my experience, people are super clingy to the spouse or spouse-to-be from engagement until after a year or two of marriage. It does wear off.

          3. I see. I’ve been married 20 years, love my husband and don’t get to spend enough time with him.
            I’ve always loved a long weekend with my best friend/s though. I try to do it at least once a year. Once my children are older I will do it MOAR.

      3. You could solve this problem by asking your single girlfriends to travel with you? I’m married and do travel with my girlfriends, rather than just wishing they’d ask. It’s not like it’s up to the single girlfriends to come cap in hand and ask married girlfriends to please go on a trip with them.

        1. I have organized girls travel before, and my closest girlfriends certainly know that I am always up for traveling with them. But I have been left out of trips organized by more distant friends or friends of friends who have then said to me afterwards “oh but we thought you wouldn’t want to come because you’re married!” I agree the organizing burden goes both ways , as it does in all friendships, but people assuming you’re not up for certain things because you’re married is a real thing.

          1. It does go both ways, but if you’re not invited because you’re married, then you likely had someone to interact with during the trips you missed. I am biased about this because I moved to a city where I knew nobody and was single, but there’s a world of difference between having nobody and having at least one other person in your personal life.

    3. Go for it! I love staying in hotels, and traveling alone doesn’t make you a loser at all. Make a reservation at a nearby spa/salon to get your hair and nails done for the wedding so you look fabulous. Take advantage of hotel amenities. Order room service if you feel shy about eating at a restaurant alone. Sleep in. Treat yo self.

      1. Also, it’s none of your family’s business where you travel or who you travel with. They don’t need the details.

        1. I realize it isn’t their business and I agree. And yet like anyone else I’ll say – I’ve been wanting to get to Miami for a few days, maybe I’ll go soon. And then I get – ALONE. Why? What are you even going to do? And that judgment talks me out of it even when I’m totally burnt out and need a break.

          And then there’s logistics. I don’t have a lot of close friends (millions of acquaintances). So even if I do say – screw it I’m going where I want – ultimately I do have to tell someone my flight/hotel info. That’s my parents or sister – so there’s no hiding it.

          I know I shouldn’t be so influenced by judgment but you already feel down about yourself you care what others think and it piles on.

          1. Reply: “Why? Because Miami looks like a ton of fun! I’m going to go to the beach and read a book, have drinks and dinner, enjoy the music scene and see what else looks interesting. Just like I would do if I were going someone, except I don’t have negotiate all the decisions with someone else. It will be awesome!”

            Do you have anyone that you CAN share your travel excitement with – that will help you plan (even if they don’t go) rather than shoot down your ideas? THAT would be the person to share your travel wishes with (and send your itinerary to), instead of your parents. It’s all about finding the right echo-chamber :)

          2. There are definitely people who have a more balanced attitudes about a woman living life on her own terms. Find those people and talk to them about your desire to travel rather than your family. Maybe a professional women’s group or a sports/ theatre/ volunteer group? Being around like-minded people is what’s going to help normalize (your totally normal) single life even when your family is over-reacting to it.

          3. Come on, OP. I know it’s hard but I think you need to stand up for yourself. If you must share the details with them, email them your itinerary and leave it at that. Don’t invite a conversation about it.

          4. You really don’t need to tell your parents or sister your flight and hotel info if they are judgy. That’s what best friends are for.

          5. I totally get the desi family dynamic. Honestly, it’s just easier to not let your parents know. The sibling/friend can have the flight/hotel info. It’s childish but desi parents never see their kids as adults, no matter what.

          6. Ask your acquaintances if they want to travel with you- maybe not to the wedding unless it’s in an exotic locale, but other place, or meet up with some people at a hostel. Seriously, I have been on multiple amazing vacations with people I barely know. Then lie to your family and pretend they’re good friends. ;)

          7. I’m African and I would had a similar dynamic initially lol. They get over it. But you have to stop explaining it. I have been to Asia, the Middle East and the Caribbean with one girlfriend each time. I travel all over the US alone. JUST GO. Book a ticket, email them the day you leave and say, “Hey everyone, I’m in San Francisco until Tuesday. Love you, byeeeee!”

            I have been on trips with friends, for weddings. At one I didn’t even serve as a plus one. We saw the city together, ate out etc, she went to her wedding and I did my own thing for that evening. Then we went home.

            Honestly, singleness is isolating as a woman in her thirties, but I am realizing now how I contribute to that myself. I REFUSE to sit in my apartment stewing in my discontent. Ask people to do things with you! And say yes when you are asked!

    4. You just do it? Because you are awesome and exciting person all by yourself. You don’t need an appendage to be interesting or deserve an invitation your friend’s life events. You do have to learn how to have conversations with strangers, though – but that’s a skill that serves you regardless of your relationship status.

      It helps to have a couple of go-to phrases when flying solo at events like this:
      “Hi, I’m Anon. I know Bride/Groom from college/childhood/etc. How do you know the newlyweds?”
      “Oh, you came in from out of town? Where do you live? Sounds like an exciting place to visit, any recommendations on what to see?”

      And if the other person can’t keep up their end of conversing, remember that’s on them, not you. Conversation is like dancing – it takes two to tango and you can’t drag someone across the dance floor if they don’t want to go. Instead, you switch it up and find a new dance/conversation partner.

      It will totally feel awkward at first, but embrace it (acknowledge it out loud, if that helps) and roll with it.

      1. All of this and what mpls said above. I have always preferred going places and traveling by myself, to the extent that at 36 I would much rather that option than having to travel WITH someone. It’s one big I DO WHAT I WANT party. And it is glorious.

        I also am a rabid stranger talker (assuming they want to engage). I love hearing people’s stories and learning things from new people. Most people are interesting if you give them a chance! If you meet a sucky non-interesting person, you turn it into a game in your head – what ridiculousness can I get to come out of this person’s mouth next – or you move on to the next stranger by excusing yourself to go to the bathroom/get a drink/whatever.

    5. Yay! I love these dimond stud’s! They are cute! If you go to wedding’s, do NOT drink alot and hang around with the band. Nothing good can come of that. When I went to Stephanie’s wedding in DC back in 2006, there were alot of us who were NOT married. Some of us danced with each other, and the band guy’s figured we were available (which we were). Laura got drunk and wound up haveing sex with 2 of the band guys. She also got crabs (yuk!). So please, do NOT do stuff just b/c you do NOT have a husband or boyfreind. All you will get out of it is crabs, or worse. FOOEY!

    6. I hate weddings.

      Such a scam…..

      Have a fabulous trip. No one is paying attention to you, no matter how self-conscious you feel. It takes awhile to realize that, but you’ll get there. Traveling single is a great way to squeeze into the great restaurants (at the bar) with no reservations, do whatever you want whenever you want. Actually, that situation sounds perfect to me…. alone time, and friend time (when they leave the kid with brother’s family), to water down wedding time.

    7. 35-ish but non-single Indian girl here. Where do you live? Can I be your friend?

    8. So I’m probably going to be flamed for this comment, but have you considered asking the bride and groom to seat you at a table with their single guy friends? One of my friends did just this and ended up marrying someone whom she was seated with at the wedding. I know the odds are not great, but weddings are great places to meet eligible single guys and you can totally vet the guy through your mutual friends, the bride and groom.

  2. You have a week in southern California in May – the goal is to relax, get away, and maybe have a little memorable adventure – what would you do? I will be with my husband and toddler. I’ve always wanted to go beach camping, but I’m not sure diapers and sand are a good mix. I am super open and just want to get away and an overwhelmed by all of the options out there (coming from DC). Thanks for your help!

    1. Sounds like you would like to go “glamping” at El Capitan! http://www.elcapitancanyon.com/ It’s right outside of Santa Barbara so you could always do a few days in SB or Ojai, too. It gets cold and windy at night at the beach … May might be a bit early in the season for it.

      You could go to Catalina … I wouldn’t spend a whole week there, but going on the boat to get there feels like a little adventure.

      Rent a gorgeous house with a pool in Palm Springs and go hiking in Joshua Tree?

      I know! So many options!!

    2. If you’re looking for an adventure without getting too far out of town, there’s a trapeze school on the Santa Monica pier.

    3. I go down to L.A. regularly with my kids and they love going to the beach. There’s a place called “Back on the Beach” that is a restaurant on the beach, with a cute little children’s park and restroom and a community pool adjacent to it. We pay for parking all day and hangout there, and then do it again multiple days in a row sometimes because it’s so easy and convenient. I personally love the Getty Center and the Getty Villa – both places take you to another world. I also recommend Huntington Library and Gardens, which is a beautiful place and has a rose garden, a Chinese garden, and even a children’s garden where kids can play.

      1. These ideas are great! To minimize speniding time in L.A.’s horrific traffic and spread-out urban design, it’s a good idea to focus on one area at a time. For example, it’s a good idea to go the the Getty and the Huntington on different days because they are far from each other.

        LACMA has a few kid-friendly exhibits, and there is a park in the back on 6th street. Nearby, is the Grove, a shopping area people like to walk around in, and it’s next to the Farmer’s Market, with tons of food choices, and a park is across the street. LACMA also has free jazz concers on Fridays after 5 and it’s common for families with young children to spread out on the grass with snacks and drinks and let their children dance and play.

  3. Y’all.

    Y’allllll.

    Turns out the person who filled the position that Recruiter screwed me out of can’t do the job. Office wants to talk to me.

    No word from Recruiter Company.

    Except that Recruiter Company doesn’t have any of “those” positions available, and that my resume doesn’t qualify me for “that” position, even though I told Recruiter I was more interested in “that” than “those” and he thought my resume/experience/skills would transfer well, if not be welcomed. (“Those” are more support, and “that” is more functional. The difference is essentially who you’re scheduling for.)

    Plus I drove through the country and it was beautiful, making progress in PT, have 3 posters in 2 conferences in 2 weeks, started some workout classes, getting some clutter cleaned up.

    1. I’ve seen your posts on this and I’m curious how the recruiter company “screwed” you. Does the recruiter have an exclusive on this job opening or can you work directly with the company?

      1. I have to go through Recruiter for this opening. For others, I could go through the company. They outsource contract/time-limited jobs and only in-house regular status positions.

        He told the person who “owns” the opening that I never responded to his many messages and they got someone else. When I inquired about this, he reversed himself to say he only called 2 times and left 1 message. I have 1 missed call, no emails, no voicemail.

    2. I can never understand what you are saying with your posts. I kinda have a feeling that has something to do with whatever miscommunication you had.

      2. Also (dang it no edit) there was no miscommunication… they just didn’t… communicate… at all… I can’t answer a message you never sent, you know?

  4. Hey ladies! I have finally decided to splurge on a house cleaner. Hooray for outsourcing!
    Who do you use in DC (NW)? 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms – what should I expect to pay?

    1. Yay! See if a friend has someone to recommend. We used a service for a while (Handy) and while it’s nice, I didn’t have the same level of trust and personal service as I do now having the same self-employed person come once every two weeks. Guessing that pay will be around $70-90 depending on size of your place and frequency of cleaning.

    2. Also in NW, and we have been very happy with our cleaner Irma. Extremely honest, trustworthy, very happy and sweet, and competent. She speaks fluent English, is a US Citizen, and her partner Lorena is great as well (but does not speak much English). We pay $110 for 3 bed/2 bath. One issue is that she hates DC parking so if you have a visitor parking pass or place for her to park she will be much happier. Her number is 703 862 4762. She’s very good about texting too.

      1. Did you seriously just put someone’s name and phone number up on here? Ellen, is that you?

        1. I live in Arlington and use MaidBright for my 1 bedroom/1.5 bath. Been very happy with them. They don’t do dishes, though, but I gather that al ot of maids don’t? Anyone know if that’s true? I usually have one or two dishes in the sink when I leave for the maids, and they wont do them, but they’ll clean the sink and put them back in. I was once told that it was an insurance thing. Anyone know if that’s true?

      3. Honestly?….. I think it will be fine.

        I hope your housecleaner gets a lot of business from you doing so.

      4. I doubt you would have posted the personal phone number for a colleague or contact whom you thought might read this site. You shouldn’t do it for your house cleaner either.

        1. I post my housekeeper here by listing her name or website which shows her phone number. It’s not her personal phone number written in a bathroom stall. Someone’s business phone number isn’t a secret – it’s a referral.

        2. Wouldn’t you post the name and phone number of a plumber or landscaper that you recommended? I mean, most businesses would be glad to get their name out, and most businesses would also have easily Google-able info. It’s not like her number didn’t previously exist on the Internet.

  5. Just wanted to thank everyone for their thoughtful advice and sympathy on my post this morning. I really appreciate it.

  6. Help, I have puppy fever! I’m a huge dog person, and DH and I adopted an adult dog last year. He’s doing great and is really well socialized. We would prefer to put off getting another dog until next year sometime for convenience and logistical reasons, but want one eventually since our dog does so much better when there are other dogs around. I’m becoming a crazy dog lady and I just want to adopt ALL THE DOGS. And I spend an obscene amount of time looking for dogs who need homes online. Seriously, I need a diversion, and I have plenty else to do. How do I get the dogs off my mind?

    1. Search: Zillow, for sale, 2 BR 2 BA > $5,000,000, Manhattan.

      It’s a rabbit hole of awesomeness. But then you’re going to want a house/a new house/a better house. And then fill it with all the dogs.

      1. Similarly, if you want a laugh, that same search, except 1 bed / 1 bath, under $600K.

    2. This may not be the type of advice you’re looking for, but perhaps you’d like to foster a dog for a rescue group?

    3. I’d be happy to distract you with a list of all the events we’ve missed, trips we’ve not taken, and obscene vet bills we’ve paid due to our second dog. Love her to bits – and so does the original dog – but man, a 2-dog life is so much harder than just one easy going dog.

      1. +1
        I also have one dog and fever for more dogs, but every time I think about adopting #2 I remind myself that our first dog has already cost us more than $10K in vet bills – and we’ve had her for less than a year. And we travel a lot with our dog and traveling with one is so much easier than two. Maybe volunteer at a humane society? If you trust yourself not to come home with a dog, anyway.

    4. Not only are two dogs harder than one, puppies are so, so, so much harder than adult dogs. With your adult dog you probably got a dog who was already spayed or neutered, house-trained, socialized and obedience trained at least a bit, up to date on vaccines and other medications…with a puppy you’re totally starting from scratch, so there’s a lot more time and money involved. It’s like getting a 12 year old kid who is well-mannered and self-sufficient versus getting a newborn baby. Night and day. The house-training especially is reallyyyyy hard unless your or your partner has a flexible job and can be home a lot during the weekend. I know there are people manage to train puppies while being gone for 8+ hours five days a week, but it’s really difficult.

    5. I can’t help because my favorite rescue just posted a litter of great dane pups. I’m trying really hard not to make a bad decision, but the adoption application half filled out…

      1. Whoa whoa whoa, I know they’re the cutest things ever right now, but those pups are going to literally be able to eat off your table by just resting the heads on the tablecloth. You can get bruises if you get in front of their wagging tails when they’re really happy. They are basically small ponies. Do you have the space and energy to take care of a small pony right now?

        (If you do have the space and energy, do it! They’re such sweet dogs.)

        1. Oh yes, I’m aware. I currently have a dane who is the best dog ever, but my dane before that proudly displayed every naughty dane tendency. That said, she was an amazing companion and definitely my soul dog.

    6. think about how annoying puppies are (yes love them, had one) but MAN does it get old waking up every few hours to feed her, walk her, comfort her. The crying is really sad at night and drives me insane and I was just a walking zombie for a few weeks while she got more comfortable. now, I really don’t ever want to do the puppy thing again. I’ll just want to adopt a young adult dog.

  7. Hey all,

    I just need some help….or maybe just a place to write down some thoughts. My boyfriend of the last 5 months broke up with me unexpectedly last week. Out of the blue. I thought things were getting more serious, and I could see him as being the one. I followed all the rules, kept it cool and breezy, but I was head over heels for him. I was the happiest the last 5 months than I have ever been in my life. He brought sunshine back into my world. I had been in a terrible relationship for a year and a half before that, and he taught me what a healthy relationship looked like and I didn’t heal from that last relationship until I found him. I thought I had been through all that pain and misery so that I could find a gem like him. And then he just ended it. He said that he adores me, he loves spending time with me more than anyone, but that he just felt something on his end was missing, and he didn’t know what it was. He said he hadn’t wanted to tell me the night before when we saw each other because he just enjoys spending time with me so much. I told him I appreciated his honesty, and that obviously I was disappointed, and then I told him I should go. And I walked out. He said he hoped I would stay in his life, but he would leave that decision to me. I haven’t spoken to him since. And I just feel like I’m dying inside (and having a massive sinus infection on top of that does not help). How do I get over being left again? I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to move through this. I missed Thursday and Friday last week at work, but I had to come back today, and I just feel like I’m in a fog. I don’t know what to do.

    1. Aw, hugs!! That is just awful!!

      You are, of course, strong enough to move through this and you totally will. But right now it sucks and it just has to suck until it sucks less and then doesn’t suck. The only way out is through. Just keep breathing (through your mouth, if necessary, given your condition!) and don’t listen to any ugly self-talk that tries to rear its ugly head.

      And don’t see him. The task on your plate now is breaking the attachment to him, and even though it’s so so so SO hard, cold turkey is by far the best way. And also? You handled it like a champion. Like a queen. Keep doing that. Better days are coming.

      1. I just want to echo SA’s statement about how well you handled this. I wish I were that awesome.

      2. +1 – no contact and figure out your new normal. Line up your distractions (friends, events, fitness, house projects, whatever works for you) to keep your brain out of the loop of trying to figure out where things went wrong. Because they didn’t go wrong – they just didn’t go right.

      3. Agreed. You handled that really well! Sticking around means you’ll be stuck in reserve while he eats his cake and shops around for the next woman to get all excited about.

        We always tell ourselves that as long as we stay in his life, he’ll wake up and realize how perfect we are! The reality is that the guy always finds someone else and ends up breaking your heart and pride even more when he tells you all about her and expects you to be happy and supportive because you’re such good friends. (Been there a few times.)

        If he wants to stay in your life, he knows that means continuing in the relationship. He knows how to get a hold of you if he wants to. Don’t reach out to him.

        1. Yes, this. Learn from my mistakes. I stuck around post-break up for over two years and I regretted every minute of it. I finally found the courage to walk away from the “friendship” and it has been so freeing.

    2. *hug* When I read your post, the first thing that came to mind was the cheezy saying “everyone is in your life for a reason or a season” — I think the ‘reason’ he was in your life was to help you move past that previous relationship. You’re now in a better place – although it doesn’t feel like it right now – and you will meet the right guy when the time is right.

      Better to find out how he feels now than later on after you thought things were serious.

      Eat all the cookies and drink all the wine :)

    3. When I’m going through a breakup, I feel empty because a guy who used to be a big part of my life is now suddenly gone, and I feel like there’s something objectively wrong with me – he broke up with me because I’m a garbage person he couldn’t stand to be around any longer. I find hanging out with really awesome friends who make me feel good about myself fixes the problem. Don’t wait for people to invite you to drinks, be proactive in making plans with them, especially on weekends or any other time that you frequently spent with him. Take some time to vent about the breakup. you’ll usually get some validation and reassurance, just don’t do it the whole time. Talking about things completely unrelated to the breakup will remind you there’s more to life than him and relationships in general.

      Also, it’s normal to not speak to your ex after a breakup. Sometimes a little post-relationship communication is necessary or helpful, but most of the time it just reopens the wound, so focus on healing. Heck, my last ex and I were in the same friendgroup and managed to silently coexist for about 6 months.

      Also also, realize that even though he felt breaking up was ultimately best for him, a part of him might be just as disappointed as you that it didn’t work out. He might have agonized over why it wasn’t working because he did have strong feelings about you and wanted to be happy with you. Kind of like when you realized that TV show you’ve been obsessed with for two seasons suddenly isn’t engaging and you find yourself zoning out during episodes, forgetting to watch, falling behind, and losing the motivation to keep up. You know, in your heart, you don’t like it anymore and you kind of hate it.

    4. +1 You are more than strong enough to come back through this. I feel like I keep mentioning this but my boyfriend of 15 months and I just broke up over 2 weeks ago. It comes in waves. It’s really hard and awful but it’s already so much better than it was that day we decided that this just wasn’t working anymore. I feel like our situations were similar, as I thought he was the best person I’ve ever dated and he made me so happy, but I don’t think I made him quite as happy as he made me.

      It’s also really hard to break the attachment so don’t beat yourself up if you can’t. To be quite honest, I haven’t completely done that yet. I really miss talking to him so even though I know we are over, we’ve talked on the phone a couple times.

      Just distract yourself as best you can, lean on your friends and listen to Senior Attorney – “the only way out is through” (I tell myself that at least 5 times a day). You handled this with grace and dignity so far – you can get through.

      1. +2

        I think haveing a boyfreind is great as long as he is worth it. The trick is to figure out if he is worth it b/f you inevest to much time, energy and romantic feeling’s. When I met Sheketovits, I thought he was a schlubby guy, but he kept at me until I figured what did I have to loose? It turns out alot. My gut was right about him being a schlub, but he was also a dry drunk when he stopped drinkeing and was abusive to me, thinkeing onley of himself and what he needed to satisfy himself sexueally with me. FOOEY b/c I went along with it and he soiled me and my bed more times then I can count. Now that I have more self respect, I know NOT to let men into my life and bed who onley want to dominate me and put me down. FOOEY on that. You are strong, so you will prevail. Beside’s, with the POWER of the HIVE behind you, you can ONLEY get better! YAY!!!!

      2. It’s only been two weeks. Don’t beat yourself up for not having totally severed ties yet.

  8. I am 90% sure I have PCOS. But I’ve brought it up with two different OB/GYNs and been told both times not to worry about it until I want to start TTC. Does anyone have advice on being your own health advocate? I can’t seem to get doctors to listen to me when I say I have concerns.

    1. Consider seeing an endocrinologist or reproductive endocrinologist, perhaps? Do you trust your PCP?

    2. Two suggestions –

      1) Find an OB/GYN that specializes in PCOS. If that’s not possible, then –

      2) Go see an OB/GYN and instead of leading with “I think I have PCOS,” lead with your symptoms and how they are interfering with your life – irregular/painful cycles, weight gain, unwanted hair, etc. I think it’s easier to advocate for yourself when you emphasize why you need help vs. emphasizing the need for a diagnosis.

      1. Thank you for those suggestions. I never considered there might be OB/GYNs who specialize in that. And I understand why doctors would be naturally skeptical about patients who self-diagnose. But I want to be more proactive about this than the “Let’s wait until it’s a ‘real’ problem” approach the prior two doctors seemed to have.

    3. Can I ask what your most concerned about with PCOS? I had an ultrasound 13 years ago and the OB/GYN found cysts on my ovaries and loosely diagnosed me with it, but I have zero other symptoms (regular cycles, no facial hair, no problems getting pregnant). Treatment is mostly managing your cycle with birth control. I’m more worried about it’s link to insulin resistance and Type II diabetes, so I modified my diet to limit carbs and sugar and completely eliminated grains last year.

      1. I was on birth control from 15-28 years old. I’ve been off birth control for about a year with the hopes that we could TTC in another 6-9 month’s time. In the year I’ve been off of birth control I’ve had 4 periods and a (seemingly significant) increase in facial hair. I’ve read (and again, it’s the internet, so grain of salt) that women with PCOS ovulate less frequently (4 periods in the last year) and treating that with birth control makes it hard for me to track my health as it relates to my natural cycle.

        1. Treatment is going to look similar to treating diabetes: no sugar, limited carbs, encouraging weight loss, and possibly prescribing Metformin. Since you’re in the planning stages of TTC, I’d keep bringing it up with your OB/GYN but also try to fix it with diet starting now. If/when you are diagnosed, you’ll be one step further down the road to regulating your system.

          2. This is the greatest advice.

            Don’t go crazy on the diet changes. Start slow and small, and see if you can get a smidge of exercise in your life if you don’t have it already. That also helps.

    4. I have PCOS, 30, virgin, no plans for kids.
      I got a first course of hormonal treatment, was ok for 2 years, relapsed and now on second course.
      There is more to PCOS than just procreating. You go through hell once a month, you get hormonal acne, some people have hirsutism, sleeplessness, weight issues etc.
      Any of these is important enough to you to get treatment, don’t let someone else’s ideas dictate your priorities.

      1. Thank you Hanon. That’s been my frustration- that OB/GYNs only want to treat it with respect to fertility. And even though that will eventually be a factor, in the meantime I have very real symptoms that are being played down.

  9. I’m getting over a bad breakup (with a serial cheater who is now badmouthing me to all of our friends and was being stalkerish for a while, although that has died down). I’m looking for a therapist to help me work through this and get to a better emotional place. Any recommendations? Downtown Manhattan preferred, but willing to travel. Thanks!

  10. I’m so annoyed and just need to vent. Just received feedback (from not my manager, someone I work with) that I’m too direct and it makes it sound like, “I’m picking fights.” (?!) I calmly accepted this feedback and requested an example of how else to say, “Joe, I’m not sure I understand which part of the form your suggestion is directed to, when you have a moment, could you clarify?” No suggestions were given, obviously. I’m 99.9% certain this would not be the impression if I were a man. No man has ever been accused of being too direct. I think I needed to smile and curtsy to be less direct.

    1. Someone’s being a d$ck and it’s not you.

      It’s like telling a woman that she has a strong personality. It means we’re not soft and floofy enough because we aren’t sitting in the corner waiting for dictation.

    2. Huh. If anything, given the right context (and I don’t know the context/tone here), that question might seem passive aggressive to me. If it is passive aggressive, stop it. But nothing about it says “too direct” at all, so I’d be super annoyed by the sexist feedback.

    3. I really struggle with this issue too, especially managing people. I want to know if I am being rude or harsh, but how do you cut through the noise of sexism to get an accurate read on that? People only complain about my “tone” when they don’t like what I’m saying–no matter how careful I have been crafting the message. It makes me think they actually just want a different answer, or not to hear from me at all.

      There’s also the fact that infinite padding and qualifying of my message wastes time and often leads to misunderstandings.

  11. Has anyone been in a situation where your parents (or in my case, one parent and their spouse) did not offer to contribute to a wedding, despite financially being able to, yet seem to expect to invite a large number of people? I have a good relationship with them, and am an only child, so I’m really surprised they haven’t offered. I suppose they might still offer down the road, but I expected they would offer early on so that we could plan accordingly. There are a lot of family members on that side that they seem to expect we will invite, and my stepparent also seems to expect to invite a lot of their family members. My stepparent also keeps floating the idea of us having a smaller wedding (where we presumably would not invite so many family members on their side), but then a second reception/party in their hometown (where neither I nor my fiancé has any connections) for all of their friends/family (which presumably they would pay for). This just doesn’t make sense to me and I feel really hurt. This parent/stepparent are Indian, if that makes any difference, which kind of explains the expectation that we would invite many cousins, including the stepparent’s cousins. Thoughts? If my fiancé and I are paying for the entire wedding, I would like to just give each parent a set number of invites (for example, 30 for fiancé’s parents, 15 for my single parent, and 3o for other parent/stepparent) but I don’t know how to navigate this. My fiancé has so many friends he is close with and they would all require a plus one because they are mostly married. I’m already so stressed over the prospect of paying for this wedding. We are in a large east coast city and I can’t bear the thought of having a run of the mill wedding. I would much rather save the $40k and elope, but fiancé wants a party. I feel so happy to be engaged but also bummed about this.

    1. Can you just…talk to them about it?

      Like, “I know you think it’s important to invite cousins 1-35, but the budget fiance and I have for this wedding only allows us to invite X number total. After immediate family and our close friends, that’s just 5 people left over. Can you help us prioritize? If you think it’s important to invite more, will you be contributing to the wedding costs? Otherwise it just won’t be feasible when we’re trying to build a life together/buy a home/pay down loans/buy a unicorn”

    2. To parents: “We’re really excited to get married, but in order to have the kind of wedding we want, we have to put some limits on the guest list. X number are going to be our friends, and we were thinking about X number for you. I know how much you want to share this event with all your friends, but given our current budget, this is what we can afford to do.

      I think it’s totally fair to limit the number, if you are the one holding the purse strings. If they want to offer more money in order to invite more people, this would be their opportunity to do so. Just be sure to have an idea of the cost/additional head.

      1. Thanks for this (and to KT above). I know I should just talk to them, and I suppose I will eventually have to, but I hate having conversations about money and I never ask them for anything. I suspect the reason they did not offer is that I work in big law and they think I should be able to pay for it (they are very “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” types). But I don’t think they realize that once I factor in rent, my student loans, and retirement, I’m not exactly rolling in dough. We could save up $40k by next year for the wedding, but that’s money that could be going toward a home or saving for kids. Weddings are fun but it seemed way more fun before I realized I had to pony up so much money, especially when I have a mountain of student debt and don’t know how much longer I will have this job.

        1. It’s your money, your job, your future. If you don’t ask them for money, it’s just simply a matter of: “Parents, we have room for X number of guests that you’d like to have.” <–period, end of story. If they ask why, "Because that's all we have available in our budget." (Could go on about how costs spiral out of control and you're trying to be responsible when it comes to money and paving your own way blah blah blah.)

          1. Yeah, don’t ask them for money. Say your budget is X people and that means they get to invite [whatever makes sense to you]. If they complain, say “it’s not that we don’t want to invite them, we just can’t afford it.” At that point, they may say “oh but have you factored in the money we’re planning to give you?” Or not. If not, they get the number of guests they get.

          2. And also don’t tell them about your student loans, rent, retirement, and all that. Your budget is X and that’s your budget. Period, end of story. You get to decide how much you are spending and you don’t have to lay out your reasoning for them to second-guess.

    3. Set number of invites is the way to go.

      Often divided as 1/3 groom family, 1/3 bride family and 1/3 friends/colleagues chosen by bride/groom. In your case the 1/3 bride family would then be split 1/6 for parent/step parent and 1/6 for other single parent. You could consider allowing them to invite more guests but you would need to specify the fixed cost + maximum number + hard deadline for them to give you names/addresses and payment for additional guests. If you chose to allow this, the written invites must come out from you and rsvps must go back to you to avoid any issues. I would also insist on payment before sending out additional invites – blame the venue if need be.

    4. Old married person here: I’ll say if you’re paying for the whole damn thing yourself, then the guest list is yours. I also get that people freak out about weddings, and can have expectations that aren’t irrational, so you probably can’t just say, “this is our celebration and we’re inviting everyone we want there.” But if you’re financing the whole thing, giving 75 seats to parents/step parents total to invite is super generous. (By contrast, my husband and I paid for our wedding virtually on our own–each set of parents contributed a cool $1K–and we gave each set of parents 10 invitations to issue. We couldn’t afford more than 120 guests total if we wanted to feed them reasonably well, which was our priority. My mother-in-law was initially grouchy, but got over it.) I say go for it, and if they press you, just smile and say “these are the plans we’ve made” or “we don’t want wedding debt to interfere with house down payment saving” or similar.

      1. SO MUCH THIS.

        You pay for it, you can invite people. You don’t – then no, full stop. We paid for our wedding. We didn’t invite anyone except who we wanted. No random cousins we’d never heard of, no random parent’s friends. And the parents knew the drill and respected us. (Well his parents did, we just didn’t even invite mine, which will sound sad but was the best thing ever for everyone.)

    5. I agree with everyone about just telling your parents that your budget allows them to invite X # of people. They should quickly get that if they want to invite more, they will have to add to your budget (before you pay the caterer).

    6. Is it possible that they expect to pay for the whole thing, and that their paying seems so obvious to them that they haven’t felt they had to offer? Given that they are Indian, I am not surprised by the plans for very big wedding, but am a bit surprised that the bride and groom would be expected to pay for it themselves.

      1. sadly no… my stepparent made explicit comments about how we shouldn’t put things on credit cards and go into debt, and other things that made clear they think we are paying for it ourselves.

        1. Then they don’t get to dictate the guest list. There’s really not an easy way to have the conversation, you’re just going to have to be blunt and stick up for yourself. “We have reserved 30 guests for you, which includes +1s. Please let us know your 30 names.” If they push back, that’s the time to negotiate budget. “It is not in our budget. If you want to contribute for a larger venue, more bartenders, and the higher per person cost, then we can run the numbers and let you know what that additional cost would be. Otherwise, you can choose 30 or you can have 0. Let me know.”

    7. Talk to them. Give them a number of invitees. If they complain, tell them that’s the max you can do with your budget.

      If you want the easy way out, pick a small venue and blame the size (not the dollars). Friends of mine did this and it was brilliant- they were splitting the cost with her parents, but his parents wanted an absurd number of guests. Whoops! Fire capacity is 100 so you get 25 (or whatever). There was complaining but ultimately groom’s parents did a massive engagement party and invited their friends to that instead.

    8. You could elope and then host a party later down the line (rent out a restaurant for a night, for example). It would cost much less than a traditional wedding and still allow you to celebrate with your family and friends.

      1. I always wonder when I read suggestions like this, what makes you think a party of the same size would cost less than a wedding? You still have to feed x number of people, provide drinks, have a photographer (if you want one), pay for the venue, band/DJ, etc. The idea that weddings are expensive because they’re called weddings is largely a myth – and if you feel like you’re getting charged a wedding tax then you should go elsewhere. But for the most part, weddings are expensive because it’s costly to provide food, booze, and entertainment for 100+ people.

        1. I think maybe it’s because people have higher expectations at a wedding than a party – in terms of things at the wedding (photographer), venue (fancy venue/ private room of restaurant), music (band or DJ/ playlist) even the amount of time they expect to spend there.

          1. Yes, exactly this. Plus all the other costs like flowers, decorations, favors, all the Pinterest bull$shit, bridesmaids dresses, getting your hair done, etc.

          2. +1 – we eloped in February and are having a very casual (but probably huge) party in my parents yard this summer, with a taco bar and a bonfire. Where I come from, weddings are in the church, followed by dinner at the local hall and a dance–it’s a full day, and often weekend, of activity. We are absolutely not spending what we would’ve on a traditional wedding, but are still getting to celebrate with family and friends.

    9. Does this ultimately come down to a step-parent issue? If so, you truly have my sympathy.

      Meanwhile, plan as if you paying for all, choose your budget/number of guests, and just tell your parents their numbers.

      You are a good daughter.

    10. I mean this in the kindest way possible: you should pay for your own wedding. And you should plan for your budget constraints and make cuts to their (and the overall) guest list accordingly. Tell them (gently) that you can’t afford to host all of the people they want to be included. And then plan the wedding you want with the number of guests you have and the budget that you expect to have.

      FWIW, I was in your shoes. My parents and my in-laws did not have money to contribute large amounts to my wedding. It was both completely understandable and frustrating. And I had to balance student loans plus HCOL area plus savings plus yada yada yada. I understand being disappointed, but as an adult, I can’t imagine asking my parents to pay for my wedding. (It’s completely different if they come to you and offer to give you money. But that’s not what’s happening here.).

    11. I know they haven’t offered, but I would be hesitant to accept money from these people because that would give them a way of controlling the planning. I would pay for it entirely yourself and simply give them a number of invites. I don’t think you have to divide it 1/3, 1/3, 1/3. At the weddings I’ve been to where the couple has paid for it entirely themselves, it has been more than 1/3 the couples’ friends, which I think is perfectly appropriate.
      You have my sympathies. My BFF just planned an Indian wedding and although there were no money fights that I know of, it seemed like the most stressful and awful experience ever.

    12. Yes. This was my (widowed) mom. She has plenty of money but wouldn’t help and then expected the wedding to be at fancy country club with hundreds of people. Nope. So we had a destination wedding all by ourselves. Best money ever spent.

      1. Out of curiosity, how much does a destination wedding cost? I always thought that resorts divided the cost of the bride and groom amongst the other guests.

        1. Destination weddings in places like the Caribbean are actually pretty cheap, usually somewhere between $2K and $5K for a package that includes a ceremony site, officiant, florist, photographer, etc. it is cheaper because it is bundled and you don’t have any say in the vendors. It also tends to be simpler and less fancy than what you’d get if you booked vendors independently. Then there is typically a per person charge for food at the reception, but a lot less than you’d pay at a fancy hotel in a major city.
          NO guests absolutely do not share in the costs, unless the bride and groom are shady and cheap! Guests have to cover their own hotel but usually more is provided free of charge in terms of entertainment and meals than at a normal wedding. Certainly guests should not bear any of the costs of the reception itself.

    13. It seems odd to me that your parents would expect any input on the guest list if you are paying for your own wedding. If you are hosting, you set the guest list and send out the invitations. We planned our entire wedding and paid for most of it. My husband’s parents surprised us by contributing a set amount of money, and my parents contributed nothing. Neither set of parents ever said anything about whom we should invite or quibbled with anything, except to point out when they thought we were trying too hard to make everyone happy.

      1. LOL are you/your family desi? Because that sounds amazing from my perspective.

        1. Sorry, no. We are just white people whose parents had already been through too many weddings (at least on one side).

          1. Another white person with super chill parents here. My parents gave us a very generous lump sum and told us to let them know if we needed more. When i said that, actually, it was way too much, their response was great – keep the extra for a down payment. The money had zero strings attached – they legitimately, with no passive aggression, wanted us to spend it however we wanted so we could have OUR (me plus husband) idea of a great wedding.

            My parents arent perfect, but in some ways, they really get things right.

          3. I’m white and my parents weren’t demanding about invites (they wanted us to have the people we wanted there) but they were demanding about so many other things like the fact that they didn’t want alcohol served (nobody is Mormon or otherwise religiously objects to alcohol, my parents just don’t drink and didn’t want alcohol there, even if we paid for that part of it), what food was served, what the decor looked like, even what my dress looked like. I loved our wedding in the end, but in retrospect I kind of wish we had just paid for it ourselves and bypassed all the drama with my parents. And my in-laws, who offered to host a welcome dinner, decided at the last minute that 30 additional people needed to be added to a dinner that only 25 people were supposed to attend in the first place (and at a wedding with only ~90 people total), and then when I told them that wasn’t logistically possible, threatened to withdraw their financial support and leave us with a bill for something we didn’t especially want.
            Money = control. Don’t do it!

    14. Why not take parent and stepparent up on the offer to have a second reception in their hometown, for which they would foot the bill? Then everyone is happy and you don’t have to pay for a bunch of extra guests at your actual wedding.

      1. yeah, maybe that would be easiest. My hesitation there is that I would feel bad about having almost an “A” list and “B” list, and there are certain family members on that parents’ side who I would independently want to invite, so if I invited them but not the other cousins, for example, it would feel weird. And I don’t want to have a lopsided wedding where almost all of the guests are on my fiancé’s side. But maybe it’s the best compromise.

    15. When I got married, my parents gave me $x. They also gave my brother $x (2 years later). They wanted to be fair to both of their children.

      My husband’s parents believed that the bride’s family should pay for the entire wedding, while the groom’s family should pay for the rehearsal dinner, and therefore thought my parents should have given me $x times 2, and then some. In laws spent 1/3 of $x on the rehearsal dinner. They insisted on inviting everyone they wanted (and the wedding was in my husband’s hometown, 1/2way across the country from my hometown) and kept pressing for more and more stuff at the wedding. $x was enough to have a nice, but not lavish wedding, so I did the best I could and we had a nice, not lavish wedding.

      Fast-forward a number of years and my sister-in-law is getting married. In-laws are spending at least 4 times $x on her wedding (which is more than 10 times what they gave us for our rehearsal dinner). We knew at the time this would happen because they told us it would (ie, they were gonna pay for the sister-in-laws wedding, not ours)

      As you can probably tell, I’m still annoyed. But my point is to say that you are not alone, and everyone has their own ideas of how things should be done, right or wrong. You to what will work best for you — both for the wedding and for your future with your family. We stopped arguing with them over it and just made due with a less expensive wedding because it was more important to have a good relationship with them going forward.

      1. The idea that the bride’s parents pay for the wedding and the groom’s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner is very standard though. It may be $exist and outdated, but etiquette says your in-laws did nothing wrong.

        1. Etiquette does not support pushing for more invites and critiquing the bride and grooms choices.

  12. I’m probably going to bring this up to my doc but figured I’d post here first for anecdata since I’m fairly certain I know what my docs are going to say. I’ve been on birth control for years to regulate my periods. Since high school. I’m in my 30’s and recently came off of it to TTC. The last couple months I have been very sick the first few days after my period. Severe nausea, diarrhea, extreme exhaustion. I also have crohns disease but this is so clearly hormone related. The cure would likely be to go back on birth control but since I’m TTC that is out for the time being. Anyone else deal with this and have a cure? Due to the crohns, I already know all of the usual tricks to stop diarrhea and nausea. Are there any ways to regulate hormones that don’t mess with TTC?

    1. How long have you been off the pills? Has it been at least 3 months? The first 3 months of getting off bc can be pretty wacky. I didn’t get my period AT ALL for those entire 3 months.

      The only “natural” thing I know of to help regulate hormones is to limit sugar intake (i.e. high protein lower carb diet) although I’m not sure if this would bode well for your Crohn’s.

      1. This is my fourth month off. I already eat low carb high protein but I will get stricter about cutting out other sugars (juices etc.)

    2. I’ve been reading Woman Code and trying to follow the protocol to see if I can ease my period symptoms. Maybe that could help you?

    3. Those are normal side effects to some extent. You can take Ibuprofen, and try to improve your diet and exercise more regularly, but otherwise the best cure is getting pregnant. :)

    5. For what it’s worth I have crohns and my periods make me similarly sick without BC and my friends with colitis find the same, so this may be what unmedicated looks like for you in which case I’d talk to your GI – for me B12 seems to help, it’s possible adjusting your other meds might make a difference

  13. They’re trying to get me to drink the kool-aid and jump from an AmLaw 200 firm to an AmLaw 50 firm.

    I think it will be doubling down on the craziness: more work, more pressure, more expectations (there’s a reason it will be more $ or more opportunities or both).

    They’re all “but we have balanced hours” (which is BS, because which firm doesn’t these days, and if they were so good at retention and balancing hours and training and promoting from within, why on earth do they need me?).

    FWIW, if I were 20s, no kids, this would be appealing b/c places that are not good places to be at are often good places to be from. But I am older, married, 2 kids, so no. AmLaw 200 is a struggle (and yet a constant balance of fear of the work leaving, say for am AmLaw 50 skill- and manpower-level firm, and the terror of the work leaving (for an even cheaper firm or b/c the economy changes or something else). Ugh.

    1. Can you say what firm it is? I think the AmLaw 200 versus AmLaw 50 distinction is way, way less material than the firm-to-firm distinction. I’m older, married, 2 kids, at an AmLaw 50, and I think it’s an amazing firm and my work life balance is legitimately solid (which is why I’ve lasted so long here!) Don’t drink the Kool-Aid – but it might actually be worth exploring this.

      1. Yeah I was at an AmLaw 50 firm that was known as a lifestyle firm, and I knew people at firms at the bottom of the AmLaw 200 who had a way, way crazier lifestyle.

      2. Can you say which firm / which group (or maybe industry)?

        If you are a FERC lawyer, great for you, but I do a different type of work.

        1. Why did you randomly say are you a FERC lawyer? Are FERC lawyers known to have better hours in law firms?

          (Legit question)

    2. Who is “trying to make you jump”? Seems to me the decision whether to make that leap is entirely yours. If it is not interesting to you for all of the reasons you say . . . just don’t do it?

      1. It’s not my group, but a group that jumped ship already and could be important to my future (like giving me work or making others leave that might affect my work level if I don’t move).

        I have enough work not to move (junior partner in related group), but worry that my firm will lose enough good people to affect me later if not sooner.

        AmLaw50 firm is Chicago-based (but I would not be based there). I am currently in a smaller legal market, like Austin or Atlanta (so big city BigLaw problems, but not as awful as NYC BigLaw).

        Which firm are you with, Lorelai?

        1. I think firms that are Chicago-based may be more intense. Probably not as much so as NYC-based firms but in that direction. I’m the anon who was at an AmLaw 50 firm that was a lifestyle firm but it was based in a much smaller city than Chicago. It’s very group dependent, though. At some firms, it’s even dependent on which partners within the group you work for. If you got the sense during the interview that the lifestyle is crazy, it probably is.

        2. I’m at a DC-based firm; too bad it’s not the same one!

          I think that it makes sense to look, especially because there’s a group that has already left your firm. That can be a danger sign about the long-term health of your firm – maybe worth exploring this opportunity.

  14. Eating lunch at my desk and I dropped greasy leftover roasted Brussels sprouts on my brand-new thousand dollar Herman Miller chair!

    I tried washing off the grease stain with dish detergent, but it just spread it around. What else can I use to get the grease stain off the mesh????

    1. I think you want to blot it with something that will wick up the oil. Paper towels? Cornstarch (less likely to have handy in an office)?

      Oil stains can fade over time, but pressing more of it into a paper towel when it is fresh would be better.

    2. Is there a drugstore or corner store nearby you can run to? Try soaking it up with baking soda or cornstarch.

    3. Don’t touch it any more. Do nothing else yourself. Take it today or tomorrow to the dry cleaners and tell them exactly what the stain is.

    4. Brand name chairs are a thing? THOUSAND DOLLAR brand name chairs are a thing???

        1. Wasn’t that the chair from the Brady bunch house?

          Gotta be kidding me….

          Lawyers make too. much. money.

      2. The Aeron (i’m assuming) chairs that actually come in different sizes, since people are different sizes, and are almost endlessly adjustable? Yes, $1000 new and unused – but there’s also a second-hand market out there for less, though still considerable amount.

  15. Hi all,

    I wanted to thank those of you, especially Senior Attorney, who took the time to thoughtfully respond to my message last week about my sister, who is getting WLS. Most of you were so kind. I appreciate your responses, which allowed me to think and read and process and then be able to go back to my sister to reiterate my unconditional support of her decisions. I’m excited for her and hopeful that she’ll have the outcome she wants. Thanks again for processing with me.

    2. Hooray! Good luck to her! If you or she want to talk more, shoot me an email at seniorattorney1 at gmail.

  16. Has anyone every tried to use the AMEX Return Protection? I bought a dress on final sale a month back and it is already falling apart. The dept store will not take it as it was Final Sale just looking for another remedy.

    1. Yup, it’s perfect. It takes a little bit – like maybe a month. But you get the money back. You can be totally honest on the forms that you knew it was final sale, etc. Especially because it’s already falling apart.

    2. My sister did it a long time ago (like, 15 years?), it was a breeze. And it was for an item that was broken after the purchase, a large platter we had bought as a gift for our dad and his wife, lost in an unfortunate incident involving a candlelit table, too much tissue paper and an ill-considered judged effort to get the burning items out of the house too fast. Amex replaced the platter without any problems.

  17. Alright so we all know how important it is to be nice to staff but I thought I’d share this story –

    I’ve complained here at length about the horrible people in my super toxic office. I’ve been trying to find another job for over 3 years and it just hasn’t happened for me. I’ve had tons of interviews but no offers. Half the time the firm will tell me they didn’t actually have an opening but wanted to talk to me JUST IN CASE they have an opening in the future, and half the time it’s a small firm that wants to know if I can bring some big clients with me (uh no, I can’t).

    Well I FINALLY got an offer from an awesome firm with a great group of people. Apparently it was down to me and a couple of other candidates. The deciding factor? A file clerk they recruited from my office heard my name and literally SQUEED at the thought of working with me. You guys, she wasn’t even my file clerk, I was just nice to her. I think I gave her chocolates or something else small at Christmas along with all the other clerks. Moral of the story: be nice to your staff (and bribe them with chocolate) because you never know how they might influence your future!

    2. + Infinity

      I was that clerk (admin) at my (not law) firm once. A lot of drive, evening classes and dedication later I’m now a senior associates in a hiring position. I just interviewed someone who as a junior associate at the time I was a clerk/admin who didn’t knowledge my existence when I was his support.

      Your staff/admin/support will not forget people who were good to them or people who are not.

      1. Holy edit function. This s!te freezes during the afternoon posts frequently and it totally screws up my typing.

  18. Does anyone here really love their round blowdrying brush?

    I have hair that’s a mix of textures (fine and dense on the bottom, gradually becoming wavier and coarser on top) and just chopped my hair into a “lob.” My stylist used a 2″ brush on me but of course that’s like $45 if I bought her version. Any drugstore-priced favorites amongst the Hive?

    1. I think all round brushes are pretty much the same, I picked mine up at a Sephora sale, but I used my sister’s last week, she just has a drugstore one, and it didn’t really make a difference in the outcome of my hair.

    2. Conair Tourmaline Ceramic Medium Round Hair Brush. It’s about $10. I’ve had lobs and bobs and sobs for years and it’s my go-to.

    3. I think the best brushes have a mix of nylon and boar bristles. You need something that will really grab the hair and pull it taut. And honestly, in the hairstyling world, $45 is not that bad for a good quality brush you’ll use frequently. I would spring for it.

    4. I bought a few Spornette brushes from Ulta that I really liked. I think they were around $15 – $25.

  19. I’m 34, and my entire life (literally for over 20 years), I’ve been about nothing but CAREER. I’ve pushed for two decades and have recently realized the meaningful, fulfilling career I’ve always dreamed about isn’t materializing despite my best efforts. Maybe it will someday, but not now.

    For the last 6 months (and longer), I’ve been dealing with Big Life Stuff: a parent’s death, watching family ugliness break out over that, a completely unfulfilling work situation, boyfriend issues, therapy.

    I was talking to a friend and she said, “What do you want out of life?” I cried to her that I had gotten so lost in life, now that I had had to accept that career couldn’t be everything, that I didn’t know anymore. She threw out some scenarios to me, hypotheticals about what my life could look like in 5 years. To my complete and total shock, the scenario that appealed was the one I had always dismissed: marriage, family, and a reasonably satisfying job. The high powered career didn’t appeal; it felt empty.

    Is there anyone out there like me, who always wanted a career and never really cared much about a family, traveled this road? It’s scary. My world is shifting. It’s not hormones – I don’t have baby fever. It’s that I crave something with meaning and permanence. I want roots and loved ones – things I don’t have right now.

    1. Yes, I’m going through the same thing now. Have high powered career, hit major medical speed bump. Learned that my life will be cut short if I continue as I have been. I’m downshifting: working fewer hours, losing weight, eating better, trying new hobbies but it isn’t enough.

      It is scary! I tell myself that it is OK to be scared. This is a big deal and change is scary.

    2. I’m reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl and highly recommend it. The (super-oversimplified for the purposes of this internet message board) premise is that if you help others (strangers, professional peers, family, friends, whomever) your life is meaningful, and feelings of fulfillment and happiness are a natural byproduct of a life with meaning.

    3. Please give yourself time to grieve before making any big life changes. In the months after my mothers’ death I contemplated a lot of things I’m glad I didn’t do. Be kind to yourself.

    4. I had a similar experience, and ended up making a cross-country move so I could be with my family and root myself deeply in the community where I grew up. As a result of making that move, I actually jumped into a much more demanding and higher-powered job, but I wasn’t expecting that – I made the move to get myself back to a place of connectedness and yes, a life with meaning, not to upshift my career. It was the best decision I ever could have made (although ultimately, I ended up with a dream job, not a good-enough job – so you never know what might happen if you follow the pull that you’re feeling).

  20. Probably too late in the day, but is $150 too stingy a wedding gift (from a couple) for a black tie wedding in a HCOL area? We’re spending at least $1,500 getting ourselves to the wedding (flights, hotel, rental car). The bride is a good friend who has always been generous with me, but I’m not in the wedding party or anything. I normally give $100 to couples we’re friendly with but not super close to, and $200 if either myself or DH is in the wedding party, so $150 seems like a reasonable figure given our relationship to the bride. But I’m wondering if that just isn’t enough given how fancy the wedding is. I suspect the per person cost of this wedding is at least $150.

    2. Anecdata, but i hate that stupid outdated rule. We’re getting married in June, smallish wedding (60ish people) and probably spending $300 per person. And honestly, we might not even register for gifts, because it seems like a hassle and i really just want people to come and share the day with us and enjoy themselves. And i really hope no one is stressing over how much $$ to spend on us.

      1. Right?! People keep asking where we’re registered, and I keep saying, we amalgamated households! We don’t need more stuff! But then I feel like a jerk and I know this is how people show that they love us and want to contribute to setting up a life together. BUT. We’re in our late 30s-early40s. We have all the things! I also have a lot of guilt because I don’t come from money, and now I’m a lawyer so i feel weird about registering cause it feels like we’re asking people who have less than us to buy us things. I really just want them to come to my party and have a good time.

        1. Ugh yes to all of this. Not to mention, the stuff we actually need/want is way too expensive to register for. Like, my fiance really wants copper cookware, but our friends would think we’re crazy snobby for registering for something that expensive.

    3. I think Miss Manners would say that rule is not a rule and that you should give give a thoughtful gift that you can afford. (You’re not talking about cash, are you?)

      1. I’m talking about giving money, in the form of a check. Unfortunately the couple has no registry (they want cash and giving cash is standard in their culture). I always prefer to get a gift off a registry when one is available.

    4. Can you afford to give more? Do you want to? If yes to both questions, blow up the registry with all your dollars. Otherwise, forget it. They want you there to celebrate their marriage, not to furnish their house. And if they do want you there to furnish their house, do you really want to go to the wedding at all?

      Celebrate their love, celebrate their future, and forget about the old “cost per plate” rule. That’s super outdated.

      1. How do you define what you can afford? This term is tossed around a lot here but I’ve never really heard a good definition. I mean, I could afford to give someone $10K in that I have way more than that in the bank, but obviously it wouldn’t be a good financial decision. But unless you specifically sacrifice another purchase to give a wedding gift, giving even $50 means that money is being used for the wedding gift rather than going into the bank. Obviously for most people withdrawing $50 from the bank is not the same as withdrawing $10K, but where do you draw the line?

        1. Sorry this is so late, but for me, I have a line item in my monthly budget for gifts, and I figure out how much I can give based on that. If I don’t give any gifts in a month, it adds into the total for the next month. If I really really want to give someone something that exceeds that amount, I’ll withdraw it from a different discretionary category, like clothing or eating out.

  21. I’m having a crappy day. I thought I was ok, but I’m not. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer a little over a year ago. Around this time last year he had his right lung removed. He came for a visit this weekend and he has started smoking again. I’m just so angry, but I know that won’t help anything. So angry and so much work to do.

    1. Sorry you are going through something so difficult :( Sending you internet hugs and hoping things will improve. Take care of yourself!

  22. Thread jack! Ladies – I need your input on HOW TO DEAL WITH A CONTRARIAN male colleague. A fellow associate at my biglaw firm disagrees with anything and everything I say. I could remark that grass is green, and he’d dismiss it away with a flippant comment saying I’m not so correct, without actually making eye contact or offering a complete sentence that I can respond to. He suffers from “oppositional conversation style.” He is one year senior to me, but I am older, more mature and have more work experience. I have definitely considered that he is not being rude or asserting himself over me but, rather, is simply a socially awkward kid with almost no office experience. In any other situation and I’d just say something to him to disarm the situation, but I am smart enough to know that in this professional context he could easily twist my words and, before I know it, I have a reputation as being defensive/confrontational/both for no good reason. Any ideas on how to deal with him in my own mind, so it doesn’t bug me so much? Or, even, how to deal with him outside of my own mind so that he might, perhaps, tone it down? I’m not sure it’s worth it — my priority is to continue being known as confident, smart, capable, mature and easy to get along with. Not to win his opinion or make him admit he’s being boorish. Thanks! I just need a coping tactic or two.

    1. He sounds like a jerk but the fact that you mention being older, more mature and having more work experience tells me that you don’t know much about Big Law culture. None of that matters. If he’s a class year above you, he’s senior to you. Full stop. I don’t think you should address his comments. Just tell yourself he’s a d-bag and let it go.

      1. Thanks for the reply. I’m experienced in biglaw culture. I noted those attributes to signal to you that he might be generally awkward and rude, rather than consciously playing some sort of office politics game, so that we could avoid responses focusing on the off-point context of how to deal with someone playing games. The fact that I’m even asking for ideas evidences that I am experienced in biglaw culture where this sort of interaction could blow up in my face. Your remark came off as condescending, which is a bit off base for this forum.

        2. Sorry I’m with anonymous too. I don’t know why you being older would mean he isn’t playing some sort of game and or course you can’t make someone admit they are being a boor. This is perfect for “just say foey and move on.”

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