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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I knew that Bloomingdale's carried some other British designers and brands like Reiss and Whistles, but I didn't realize they also carry Karen Millen. (Ladies, any other favorite British brands for workwear that you know Bloomie's carries? Shout 'em out in the comments!) I have always been a fan of Karen Millen's body conscious, slightly edgy clothes, and there are a bunch of nice pieces at Bloomie's right now, including this sadly almost sold out pencil dress (which isn't in stock at KarenMillen.com either, sigh). Other picks: this lovely white lace blouse, this fun tweed dress, this more casual graphic dress, and this great graphic sheath dress on sale. Gorgeous. The pictured dress is $150. KAREN MILLEN Checked Pencil Dress
Here's a more affordable sheath dress (from yet another British brand!), and here's a plus-size gray dress for $39 (amazingly, also a British brand).
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Psst: if you're bored with the emojis that come on your phone, do note that Bloomingdale's has free “Bloomoticons” to download.
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Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Cat
I love the cut of this, but when you zoom in, there’s some oddly noticeable seaming and it looks like the collar is a slightly different color (lavender, perhaps) that makes it less versatile.
I’ve seen Ted Baker in the Bloomie’s at KOP — although many garments seem more suited for ladies-who-lunch, I’ve picked up an odd blouse / sweater / skirt to liven up my usual-suspects work wardrobe.
Anonymous
Ted Baker does some really beautiful floral patterns.
lsw
I love Ted Baker so much. I’m always scouring Nordstrom Rack for good Ted Baker items.
anon-oh-no
Ted Baker is my happy place for clothes. Just looking at it makes me smile.
Runner 5
I bought a fancy Ted Baker wallet with my first big-girl paycheque. The brand will always have a place in my heart!
Anonymous
I have a Ted Baker handbag and the quality was pretty disappointing – the handle was completely cracked all along the edges after only a few months of use.
too much NGDGTCO
I am at the client as part of a large team but we are only 3 on my workstream. Being a smaller team, we work very long hours but are also fun and have each other’s back regardless of seniority.
Today the principal on the workstream is having a crappy day. He travels transatlantic every 9 days to work with us, but today he looks like a zombie. He is clenching his inhaler for dear life but still pushing through.
Part of me wants to say: “Hey John, you look tired, maybe let’s set priorities for me and Matt for tonight and you could just go rest a bit” because I know he would do that for us.
Then the NGDGTO voice in me is thinking: don’t mommy him; he knows what he is doing and he is senior enough to excuse himself if he feels like it.
Sometimes, I just feel as though I’m wearing a tough woman mask in this cruel corporate world but I just want to be in a caring environment that values my input as a top performer yet understands I will have cramps, catch something, have a migraine etc.
Vent over.
Mpls
Nah – that sounds like you are a human being. Being a mommy would be “John, I brought you some painkillers and chicken soup, along with a pillow and blanket. There’s a couch in the next room you could go nap on and I’ll wake you up in 2 hours to give you an update.”
Your example is focused on the work and giving him a chance to decide for himself what the best self-care would be. My example is making all the decisions for him.
TheElms
Nah – that sounds like you are a human being. Being a mommy would be “John, I brought you some painkillers and chicken soup, along with a pillow and blanket. There’s a couch in the next room you could go nap on and I’ll wake you up in 2 hours to give you an update.”
Your example is focused on the work and giving him a chance to decide for himself what the best self-care would be. My example is making all the decisions for him.
S in Chicago
I think being human trumps not wanting to be observed as conforming to “mothering” stereotypes. Reassure you’ve got it covered if he wants to take a break and circle back after a rest but back off if he declines. That’s just being a good member of the team (and also protecting front-facing with the client).
mascot
I don’t see how being a decent human is detrimental to your career. Bringing him a pillow, blanket and snack? That may be mommying him.
Letting him know that you recognize that work needs to be done and stepping up to do it? No downside. “John, you’ve got a lot going on, what can Matt and I take off your plate? I am planning on doing x, y. z. What else?”
MJ
+1 . There’s lots of parts of NGDGTCO that I don’t agree with.
I have very serious asthma myself, and when I am having a real attack, my complexion changes due to lack of good oxygen exchange. I think what you are proposing is kind.
NGDGTCO
It’s admittedly been a while since I read NGDGTCO, but I’m not sure the author of that book would disagree with being kind to your coworkers and proposing to take a little more work on a single day so that a sick person can rest. At least, that wasn’t my takeaway.
Anonymous
I agree with the previous commenters, but I just want to add I absolutely hate that being a caring person in the workplace is associated with being womanly/motherly and therefore bad.
Anonymous
Would he do the same for you? Then go for it. If not, don’t.
On my team, I get all sorts of cr@p if I am sick (for example, a co-worker once accused me of being aggressive and creating a hostile work environment because my voice was gravelly from a cold), but whenever the men get sick they take off all the time they need and then whine for a week afterwards, so I wouldn’t be so nice as you are proposing to be.
Senior Attorney
I think this is excellent advice. Do it, but only if he would do it for you.
Anonymous
Gorgeous dress! Very Kate Middleton (which is a win in my book).
So, I’m in a bit of shock this morning. A family member I’m close to had a bit of windfall, and they offered to give me a significant amount of money to pay off a huge chunk of my loans. It’s such a huge help and takes a big weight off my shoulders. How can I thank them?? I was thinking a nice handwritten note but I don’t know what else.
Cat
You may want to consult an accountant — gift tax issues.
In this case, I think anything other than a lovely note is too much and would almost cheapen the gratitude, KWIM?
Anonymous
Gift taxes are for the person giving the gift, not receiving the gift.
Ellen
Yay! Anonomous is right. According to my Dad, Gift Taxes are payble, if at all by the DONOR, NOT the DONEE, and onley if the adjusted gross estate of the donor exeeds the statutory limitation set forth by the IRS as of the date of death, which OBVIUSLY has NOT happened if the DONOR is makeing a GIFT today.
So per my dad, do NOT look a gift horse in the mouth (b/c it’s breathe stink’s –FOOEY!) Accept the gift, pay off your loan’s and take a day at Elizabeth Arden’s to refresh. That is what I would do. Then I may be abel to find a HUSBAND and Quit work! YAY!!!!
Big law
Don’t worry about the gift tax. That will be for the giver, and unless they are multi-millionaire it is a nonissues…. but that is their tax/accounting issue. Not yours.
Anonymous
Not sure why you say it is only a multi-millionaire’s issue. That’s estate tax. Gift tax applies to transfers like this one where the donor is alive, and applies to gifts over $14K (assuming one donor and one donee). But yes, it is a donor issue, not a donee issue.
CPA Lady
ACTUALLY. It does matter because gift and estate tax are intertwined. You can give (either through gifts while you are alive or through inheritances after you are dead) a combined total of $5.4 million and change without paying taxes. The gift tax return keeps track of your gifts and applies a credit amount (the unified credit) that means you owe zero taxes until you give over the 5.4 million limit. Then you pay taxes on your gifts.
If you have an estate plan set up that needs to take advantage of that entire credit on 5.4 million, then you CAN pay gift taxes while you are alive whenever you give over the $14k limit. But otherwise, it is only a multi-millionare’s issue.
Gigi
True, you need to report gifts over 14k, but gift tax is paid only after the lifetime exclusion is reached. That number is over $5 million. That is what makes it a multi-millionaire’s issue. The family member will need to file a 709, but almost certainly, no tax will be due.
Cat
Oops, you’re right! Thinking too fast this morning.
Anonymous
If the gift tax isn’t paid by the donor, the donee is subject to what is called transferee liability–they can be liable for the gift tax + interest up to the value of the gift received. The comments above are overly blase that “it’s the gift giver’s responsibility, don’t worry about it!” given transferee liability.
But as also mentioned, there won’t be gift tax until the donor’s lifetime exemption is used up–donor can opt to pay the tax now to maintain the entire exemption for death, but it is indeed a multimillionaire’s issue if donor has that concern. Most likely, donor will just need to file a gift tax return reporting the gift. Even if she didn’t and the IRS actually pursued it, they’d likely reduce the total exemption available to donor rather than go after donee. Donee’s main concern is if the donor dies shortly after making the gift, the estate claims the full exemption and distributes all the property, and the IRS then comes in and says the estate tax bill is higher than what the estate paid because the exemption should’ve been reduced by the lifetime gift to Donee. There’s nothing left in the estate, so the IRS is going to go after anybody and everybody–donee, and the beneficiaries of the estate. Buttttt this all reads like a bar exam hypo, so I think OP can put off her call to her CPA for now.
Cb
Gosh, do you think they read our lottery discussions? That’s so generous. I think a handwritten note and an expression of your sincere appreciation would be very welcome!
Anonymous
And setting aside the difficult colonial echoes of the royals being in India, every outfit Kate has worn during their India visit this week has been *amazing* (yes, I do follow Kate’s travels around the world via instagram).
I’d definitely write a note, and if possible, set aside some time to spend with that person. You don’t necessarily need to take them out for a meal or anything, but I’d try to make a conscious effort to spend some one-on-one time with them in the near future.
Cb
The colourful tunic dress! Gorgeous. I’m waiting for something similar to show up at Monsoon.
Anonymous
How do you follow them on Insta???? I need the name of this account! I need to fill my feed with pictures of Kate!
Anonymous
Kensingtonroyal is the official account, but there are thousands of fan accounts. If you search #KateMiddleton you’ll find tons of the fan accounts.
lucy stone
I’m a big fan (and internet acquainted) with WhatKateWore, which is a website/instagram/twitter.
Aurora
Not the poster above, but thanks so much for the tip! I just followed like four new insta accounts and will be distracting myself all day with pretty Kate photos… she is definitely my #1 style icon.
Big Kate fan
Following Kate and William on their tour has been getting me through this work week!
Opal
+1
Anonymous
The black and white crop top and skirt? Love! I’m hoping western designers pick up on this and incorporate more Indian influence into their designs. And I love that she wears local designers when she travels as well. And that she wears items from a lot of different price points.
Bewitched
Meh, I hated that white dress with the pockets right at b**b level and I even thought that Jenny Packman long gown was kinda old for her. The green dress today, gorgeous!
Anonymous
Those pockets! They were like arrows pointing right at her n*pples. Yikes! If the flaps had been square instead of triangles it would have looked so much better. I’m definitely in love with her green dress today!
MDMom
I think she’s been doing just ok fashion wise. I liked the dress she played cricket in (but why heels and hair down?), and the long red dress was ok. The black/white Temperley was nice but I think that design would have looked nicer knee length. Overall my major complaint is that she dresses way too matronly-high collars and long sleeves and all skirts below knee. It looks dated. A lot of her outfits are a cute concept converted to a sister wife outfit. I get that she wants to dress conservatively and I’m not saying she should be a Kardashian, but she doesn’t look modern. What does she have against pants? Nice cropped pants and flats?
I also think the Indian theme dressing is a little patronizing. Its nice to wear an Indian designer or something as a nod to host country but must every outfit have an “Indian inspired” element copied by a british designer? It’s just so…on the nose. Like wearing a shamrock print sweater in Ireland. I don’t know. Can’t put my finger on what irks me about it and I didn’t realize it did annoy me so much until I style this whole rant about it. I’m a white american married to an indian-american, so I don’t know how that is affecting my perspective either.
Anonymous
I hear you! If I dressed like that, it would come across as hella matronly (and I am older and less leggy and do not have the means she does). Maybe matronly is her? I’d like to see a bit more Pippa in her style I think. But, yeah, overall this would be a C+ on me, but considering how far ahead of the curve she is starting from, I’d give it an F+.
I hated the pocket dress.
But I dig the local accents. And considering that the whole world is kinda hers (or would have been, back in the day), I get it. My military friends say Mahalo if they’ve ever been posted in Hawaii or have German or Korean things that they just now see as their things. I guess some people can ben like that with countries or at least clothes. To a point, anyway (and if you wear that stuff in your home country also, not just when you’re on travel).
This is The King’s Progress from The Tudors, no?
Anonymous
She is wearing particularly conservative attire because that is what is appropriate in India. And she always wears clothes that reflect where she is visiting. Girl rocked a bedazzled maple leaf in Canada. She’s celebrating a vibrant and beautiful fashion tradition.
MDMom
Did she really wear a bedazzled maple leaf? Ha! That’s an even better example than my hypothetical shamrock sweater. I guess royals are basically mascots anyway so maybe ok that she dresses like one.
She dresses matronly all the time in England. I don’t think that has much to do with India. Anyway, india is hot and mosquito-y and somewhat conservative, but it is not saudi arabia. Women there wear sleeveless tops and necklines that dip below the collarbone. I’m not saying she should wear a mini skirt (though she might actually be less likely to flash people in that…).
Thistle
In the UK
Anonymous
I get that for a trip, but it’s like she wears sad “Mother of the Bride” type items at home, too. You can be conservative and chic (e.g., the late Benazir Bhutto, Sonia Ghandi).
To the Dutchess of Cambridge: raid Pippa’s closet a little bit more and your MIL’s a little bit less!
Runner 5
Women in India do wear sleeveless tops and so on but as a white British visitor to India I didn’t do either of those things. I was ogled enough as it was, though…(Seriously, on a museum trip an entire high-school worth of teenage boys…)
Anonymous
India is not that conservative for dressing up. Saris bare your tummy for crying out loud. And sari blouses are often sleeveless and show half the back.
Signed,
Indian
Anonymous
The Daily Mail had some article like “how can such an attractive women who wears such expensive clothing manage to look so frumpy!?” I like Kate’s style in general but I do feel like she it has gotten more matronly recently. I loved that green dress though, and the hairdo she wore with that outfit!
Gail the Goldfish
I believe I once saw an article that said the queen had requested she wear longer hemlines. And I don’t think a request from the queen is so much a request as a demand.
Anonymous
I don’t know if the queen actually requested that but yes, Kate does have to follow some specific royal protocols when dressing. Including wearing nude pantyhose with short dresses…even in Indian heat.
Anonymous
As an Indian, I was irritated by her Marilyn moment at the tomb of the unknown soldier.
Either wear sheaths, or weight the dress with tiny lead weights or wear heavy fabric. It’s not that tough.
Am beginning to think she enjoys flashing people.
Former Kate M fan.
Get Real
Weight the dress with tiny lead weights? Are you serious? Yes, that seems like such a normal, reasonable thing to do.
Anonymous
Actually, not ridiculous at all. It’s common for royals. Princess Diana used to do it all the time. It prevents Marilyn moments.
Anonymous
I think that the original chanel clothing had tiny chains sewn into the hems to weight things down. Not overly, but enough.
KT
Actually, this is not a crazy thing. It used to be very common-place, particularly in 40s-60s…I know my grandmother’s dresses that were knee or tea length ALWAYS had little weights sewn in.
In my area, it’s still common. It’s very much a outdoor cocktail party place, with lots of colorful dresses with big skirts…gusts of wind means everyone would be flashing, so MANY tailors in this area advertise sewing in discreet weights.
anonymous
Spend a day with them- go out for lunch, and maybe do an activity they like together? This is what I do with family I’m close to. I think the best gift you can give someone who loves you is some of your time.
OP
Thank you, that’s a great idea.
Anonymous
+1 this is so on point. Otherwise, a small but very thoughtful gift would be appreciated. I once hunted down a hard to find but relatively inexpensive book from our childhood and that gift meant more to my BFF than all the spa gift certificates
Oil in Houston
+1
NYC tech
I’d write the note, but then I’d follow up 6 months or so later with a second letter expressing how much of a difference their gift made in my life, the burden it took off my shoulders, any other positive effects you’ve noticed over time.
heatherskib
A big massive hug (assuming they’re into that kind of thing)and a thank you note.
MDMom
I posted last week looking for bunion friendly and stylish loafers. As suggested, I focused on soft leather styles and bought a shoe stretcher for my other shoes. I got my first shipment from zappos yesterday and am in love! Why have I been snoozing on this loafer trend? I feel like I’m wearing slippers to work. I got a pair from Pikolinos and one from Massimo Matteo. They are both so soft and comfy. Nice looking too. I’m going to retool my wardrobe to be even more loafer friendly. Life is too short for sore feet!
Cb
Lovely! I had a pair of bright pink Lilly Pulitzer driving loafers at uni (picked up for 20 bucks at TJMaxx) and loved those things. Wish I could find something similar although I suspect the cobblestones and rain in my current city would eat them alive.
love me some loafers
Be careful to swap in some better arch support occasionally. I love me some loafers but not the plantar fasciitis that follows when wearing day in and day out.
MDMom
I ordered some arch support devices from Amazon…I never bothered with arch support before because my arches are normal but I heard that arch support is also important for taking pressure off balls of feet. Who knew? (Ok probably a lot of you, but not me!)
lsw
I bought a pair of Pikolinos loafers last year thinking, “I’ll probably barely wear these but I love the look so much” – turns out I wear them ALL. THE. TIME. I love loafers and now I have 3 or 4 pairs. They look great with trousers and I’m already tall so they are a great alternative to ballet flats, which I don’t like, and heels, which I mostly wear with dresses and skirts.
hoola hoopa
How do you style them so that you don’t feel like you’re wearing your dad’s shoes? …or is that just me?
I have a pair that my feet love, but I can’t seem to put together an outfit that feels right.
MDMom
My plan is to embrace the menswear aspect and tailor my work wardrobe to be more menswear inspired. It helps that I gravitate towards this style anyway- I don’t like a-lines or ruffles or most florals. So, for summer, slim cut cropped pants made of suiting material, with button down, menswear style watch, loafers. Keeping the pants slim cut and modern keeps out from being frumpy. I think I can make some of the shoes work with a pencil skirt, especially a navy pinstripe skirt. I’m open to more ideas, this is a work in progress…
Anonymama
See, I sort of like to wear more menswear inspired items (like loafers) with more feminine pieces like ruffles or florals. So loafers, slim slacks, floral blouse.
Zika?
Hi Hive – If you had an amazing, bucket list checking, once-in-a-lifetime vacation planned for this summer, how likely would you be to cancel due to concerns around Zika (and its’ potential related illnesses)? The area the trip is planned for is in South America, but not in the areas reporting the most cases. Assume you are not pregnant and not TTC anytime soon (and that you would be taking all of the precautions such as using bug spray, etc.)
Thank you!
Anonymous
If you’re not pregnant and not TTC soon then Zika is a non-issue, right? Am I missing something?
Anonymous
There is evidence that Zika can lead to complications such as Legionnaire’s disease and encephalitis.
Anonymous
Sorry, Guillan-Barre (see below), not Legionnaire’s.
TO Lawyer
Yes but you can also get Legionnaire’s disease from ventilation ducts in places like Toronto and NYC etc. so yes while there are still risks, I think if you’re not TTC and you’re taking precautions, I would definitely go.
TO Lawyer
sorry saw your correction re LD Anon but I think my point still stands!
Anonymous
Well the problem is that we don’t really know the long term effects. Theoretically it wouldn’t matter even if you did get it, but we don’t really know. I would 100% still go, but there is small risk. Honestly I would be surprised by this summer if they didn’t have a vaccine. There seems to be good progress being made.
Zika?
Right – it’s specifically the Guillan-Barre that I’m the most worried about, but you can get that from a variety of other illnesses, too
Risk Analysis
Wasn’t that always the diagnosis on House when they ran out of other ideas and just before they figured out the real one?
Which is to say – is the risk of getting GB any greater than the risk of getting it through something else? Is the risk greater than dying in a plane crash or a car accident? If the risk is not demonstrably larger than the other risk of illness you encounter during your day to day activities, then go on the trip and take reasonable precautions (long pants/sleeves, bugspray, whatever).
Just because this is a newly discovered risk doesn’t make it any riskier than the risks you encounter on your day to day life.
Catters
If I was pregnant or TTC I wouldn’t mess around with it. If not? Zero percent likely.
Anonymous
If you are not preg and not TTC, I don’t think it’s a “non-issue” (Guillan-Barre and all that) but I think the risk is really, really minimal. I would go and use bug spray liberally (which I normally try to avoid because of concerns about cancer, but use in malaria zones). I have family and lots of friends with trips planned to the Caribbean and South America this summer and the only ones cancelling are pregnant or TTC.
MDMom
This. If not pregnant, don’t cancel. Use real bug spray with deet, mosquito nets at night if necessary. A lot of regions with zika also have dengue, chikungunya, malaria etc. Outside of pregnancy, zika is unlikely to be worse than any of those. It’s just getting a lot of attention at the moment. Just consider it a good reminder to use precautions re mosquitos.
Anon
Why would you cancel a once-in-a-lifetime trip over Zika fears if you’re not pregnant, not TTC, and willing to take precautions? What would the reason be?
X
I went to Puerto Rico last month. I’m single, not pregnant and not TTC. I had a great time and no problems…
anon
I think the OP should go but not following the logic. “My uncle smoked and never got cancer.”
Anonymous
No chance I would cancel. Zika isn’t an issue for non-baby making people any more than any other mosquito borne illness.
Zika, too.
This brings up something that’s been plaguing me. I live in an area that has the right mosquitoes and will have Zika once it gets to the US. My husband and I have been TTC since the fall and really want a baby, but I’m so so so scared about Zika. I really don’t know how to avoid being bitten by a mosquito the entire summer without literally staying inside all summer. I know we shouldn’t put it off another year because of this, but ACK.
Anonymous
So you live in an area that doesn’t have Zika, is what you are saying. Keep trying. If zika comes reevaluate. Why would you put if off for an entire year now for no reason?
Anonymous
It’s spreading so fast in Central and South American in part because air-conditioning isn’t common in those places. The CDC has said there is likely to be local transmission in the US but that doesn’t mean there will be a full-scale outbreak the way there has been in other places. And in a worst case scenario, you can limit your time outside and apply bug spray when you have to go outside. Delaying for a year seems super extreme.
anon
Speaking as a biologist/medical researcher: If I weren’t pregnant or TTC, I’d go. I’d take the following precautions: extra stringent birth control for the trip, extra stringent birth control for the next 6-12 months if my male partner went on the trip too, heavy use of DEET-containing bug repellents, and avoiding the worst mosquito situations (no twilight tours through the jungle or long evening happy hours on a terrace by a stagnant canal). Maybe a slight tendency towards long loose linen clothes that cover more skin. Other than that, I’d go with no worries and have a blast.
Anonymous
Curious about the 6-12 months rec. My husband and I are not TTC, but plan to in a year or so. We’re packing this year with travel – including lots of travel to Zika zones. I didn’t realize there was a recommendation to wait so long after returning from a Zika zone to TTC. I had heard recommendations of a few weeks to a month. Are there blood tests that can be done after we return from our last trip to make sure we don’t have it? I know not everyone has symptoms.
anon
The recommendation is to wait 3 weeks if the male partner travels, or 6 months if he is actually infected or shows symptoms. Because the symptoms are so vague and easily missed (and I don’t have a lot of faith in the reliability of the blood tests), I would personally take the conservative route and use condoms + pills for 6 months after the last likely Zika exposure. But that is not an official recommendation – it’s a risk calculation that you have to make for yourself, and reasonable people could certainly come to a different conclusion.
Anonymous
There is a blood test. My friend actually conceived in Mexico a couple months ago and her and her husband are having blood tests done now that they are back in the US.
lawsuited
I wouldn’t cancel unless I were actually pregnant. Have so much fun!
lucy stone
Go! I just went to a place in the US that has confirmed Zika cases and I’m late in my second trimester. My OB just told me to wear lots of DEET.
Anonymous
Nowhere in the US has any local transmission yet though. It’s a TOTALLY different situation than traveling to a country where there’s an outbreak. There’s currently essentially zero risk of getting it in the US unless you have $ex with an infected person.
False.
Puerto Rico is in the US. Lots of confirmed local transmission. http://wwwnc.cdc.gov/travel/notices/alert/zika-virus-puerto-rico
Anonymous
This is just an assumption too, but I think part of your OB’s rec, lucy stone, is that if you’re late in your second trimester, you’re unlikely to have the issues that zika causes in pregnancy. The head is not going to suddenly shrink in your second or third trimester. The problem with zika is that many of the worst issues with microcephaly occur in the very early stages – often before someone knows they are pregnant.
anonymous
I will probably be able to take some time off in November, perhaps around 2 to 3 weeks., and I want to take an international vacation with my dad who’s in his early 70s, but in great shape. Where would you go?
Anonymous
That’s a great time of year to visit Australia or New Zealand and with 2-3 weeks you can see one country in depth or breeze through both countries.
Batgirl
+1. We did Cairns, Sydney, and Queenstown in 3 weeks (including travel days so more like 2.5 weeks when you take those out). It was fantastic and I highly recommend it! The weather was a bit all over the map that time of year (hot in Cairns, cooler in Sydney, even cooler in Queenstown) but in a good way. If I could do it all over again, I’d stay longer, but we loved each place we stayed in (would maybe add more time to NZ and take some away from Sydney).
Batgirl
I meant to make it clear that we did it in the first 2-3 weeks of Nov!
AMB
I also did Australia this time of year (Sydney, Melbourne, Uluru, Tasmania) and Hong Kong on the way home. Great weather! Only downside for Australia is I believe its jellyfish season so not ideal for going to the Great Barrier Reef.
Batgirl
Hmm, that may be but we didn’t really hear much about jellyfish when we were there and didn’t have any issues at the Great Barrier Reef (but we may have just gotten lucky)!
Sydney Bristow
Flights to Australia (through the end of the year, I think) are ridiculously cheap right now. Like half or less of what they normally are.
Australia is my favorite place in the world and highly recommend it.
Anonymous
It depends on what you’re interested in doing – lots of culture/sightseeing/museums? Then Europe, for sure, although the weather might not be great in November. I believe I’ve heard that Japan is lovely in the fall.
Moonstone
Almost everybody has a good time on a trip to Ireland.
Bette
I am irish and I think spending two weeks in Ireland in November would be really dreary.
Moonstone
Oh, I missed that it was November. I withdraw the suggestion — unless he wants to spend lots of time in pubs.
the unexpected
Consider buying appropriate insurance in case something medical happens involving your father… especially if you are traveling far or to places with suboptimal medical care. You want to be able to get him home if he gets sick/injured. This coverage is sometimes on your credit card already so use the right credit card when you buy the tickets (check your coverage details), or coverage you purchase separately. This is absolutely essential if he has any major medical problems. You want to be able to get him back home.
Ask me how I know.
And ask me what the cost is of an air ambulance… which health insurance doesn’t cover.
Anonymous
I would actually do Italy. The heat and crowds in the spring/summer can be too much for many older people. museum/winery visit in morning. rest in afternoon. slow dinner at night – sigh – wish I was planning this trip for myself.
Anonymous
Depends on your tolerance for crappy weather. I went in November and the highs were in the 40s Fahrenheit and it was raining a lot. I don’t mind rain that much in general – I love the Pacific northwest US – but Italy to me is a place where you just want to soak up the sun and be outside as much as possible. It was a hugely disappointing trip because of the weather.
Anonymous
My dad and I would go to France- maybe 5 days in Paris, and then rent a car and take a road trip down to Bordeaux, swinging by Normandy and Brittany on the way.
Terry
Turkey! My father went at age 70 (about 5 years ago) and had a great time! Turkey was a great destination for him because he didn’t have to rough it (he stayed in a hotel that wouldn’t have been out of place in Paris) and still got to visit a place that felt off the beaten path (he’s visited many parts of Europe). He’s a huge history buff so was really interested in visiting the Mosques and sites of Istanbul. He also took a day trip to Troy (not recommended) and spent a day or two at Ephesus (very strongly recommended). I’ll say that my father has had medical emergencies before while traveling (he has a chronic condition) and it helps enormously to scout out English speaking medical clinics ahead of time, just in case.
Anonymous
Yes, there were a ton of older tourists in Turkey, a lot more than I would have expected
Terry
Also, November would be a great month to visit. I went in January when the highs were in the 50s, slightly colder than I like to when I’m outside for several hours. The summer is supposed to be brutal there. November is probably perfect!
lawsuited
The weather in South Africa is great in November – it’s spring so warm but not scorchingly hot. The travel to get to South Africa from North America means that any vacation less than 2 weeks is not worth it, so I’d jump on the opportunity to go there while you have a 2-3 week chunk of time (which doesn’t come around very often).
Lawyer life
A few weeks ago on one of the work-life balance threads, a doctor chimed in to say that Biglaw seems exceptional with the expectation to be on call 24-7, available to respond to emails constantly, etc. I found that really interesting since I’ve always viewed doctors, especially surgeons, as the people who TRULY might be needed at any time of day or night for a life-threatening situation. However, it sounds like the medical world (and elsewhere) still doesn’t necessarily pose the same expectations as law on its residents/trainees/associates. I wonder what the solution is and I’m wondering how women in biglaw view this – is there any potential for biglaw to institute “on-call” systems like hospitals have so only one designated person needs to be available for emergencies? Do any places do that? Do you feel like the biglaw system as-is is sustainable and/or worth it for the benefits?
Anonymous
I am not on call 24/7 like a doctor. I check email very regularly between the hours of 8 am and 10 pm, but go off the grid every day for ~10 hours to wind down and sleep. I also take weekends to places where cell reception may be spotty or where I may be busy all day and not checking email (e.g. a daytime wedding). I typically notify my team in advance that I’ll be out of pocket, but I don’t have to get formal approval like a doctor on call would. I may work longer hours than many doctors but as someone who really needs 8 hours of sleep a night, Big Law seems a lot easier than being on call for several days straight.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
I don’t really check mail consistently after 6pm during the week (and very rarely reply) unless I am having a late work night anyways. Same goes for weekends.
Mpls partner
A mentor explained it as the difference in the value of each practice’s clients. For physicians, it’s largely a volume business where cultivating and maintaining individual clients is less important to the practice (not to say physicians don’t care about this, just that economically it’s not the same model). For lawyers, the client relationship is much more important and especially cultivating and retaining the best clients, who will use you repeatedly, pay bills on time, are great to work with, etc. For that, lawyers need to provide exceptional, 24/7 service. As a biglaw partner for many years, I don’t see it changing, except to get even more important.
Anon
I think this is right – doctors are interchangeable at some level for on-calls. Obviously a different doctor would have access to charts and medical records and the patient. Attorneys have ongoing case knowledge and procedures, time-lines and decision making and there isn’t really a way to hand off many decision.
anon
The problem with having an “on-call” system for lawyers is that, unlike doctors, lawyers aren’t fungible from matter to matter. Notwithstanding continuity of care issues, an ER doc or radiologist or surgeon can perform those tasks on any patient that comes through the door that requires it. I may be the only attorney who has the knowledge of background facts of the matter or the law to adequately address an issue that comes up for a client in an ongoing matter.
If another lawyer in my firm does securities litigation, calling me up to handle the surprise motion that came up on a Friday will not do the client a lick of good when I specialize in pharmaceutical regulatory compliance and have no idea what the facts of the securities case are. That would be malpractice. As blah as it is, the only way to get the client the representation it deserves is to have the attorneys on the matter available when needed.*
*”Needed” is a term that’s up for interpretation. That’s the real issue.
Dahlia
I’m a surgeon. In my specialty and city, the typical resident on call schedule would have you on call 1 night in every 3, and up to every second weekend.
If you are on call that means you are working the 36 hour (or 72 hours on a weekend) shift so you are working new consults, surgeries and patient issues that arise over the course of the night or weekend. You may work 36 hour straight if its busy, you may get lucky and sleep for 6 hours before starting the next day.
However, this doesn’t mean you are necessarily *off* when you aren’t on call.
When I’m not on call I’m still available by phone and pager for issues such as:
– the on-call doesn’t know what to do or doesn’t have a needed skill and needs advice or help. We don’t all have the same skill-set and especially if you are more senior or more highly specialized you will get called when you aren’t on call. Obviously if a patient needs me I’m going to get out of bed whether I’m on call or not.
– if the issue is about a patient I was already taking care of (the person who operated on a patient is typically the one who will respond to any post-operative complications or issues and will return to the OR if needed. This is changing a bit over time but in my specialty it is still the norm to take care of your own patients when you aren’t on call)
– if the on-call person is already operating or taking care of an emergency and another emergency arises that can’t wait.
Besides that, whether on call or not, I respond to email and phone inquiries regarding my patients, administrative issues, etc. All of my colleagues respond to emails after hours and on weekends. I don’t wake up in the night to check my email (thank goodness) but I check it last thing before I go to bed and as soon as I wake up, and right before scrubbing into surgery and as soon as I scrub out. We do probably get a bit more leeway here than other docs (and lawyers) because everyone knows we can’t respond to emails when we’re scrubbed and we spend a fair bit of our lives scrubbed.
I am sure that on my off-call nights I get more rest and more predictable down-time than lawyers. However, call is brutal, especially when you are a junior trainee and still learning how to handle that level of sleep deprivation. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I hope if you did institute something like this it would be more humane that what we do to our trainees.
So overall I wouldn’t take surgeons as a good example. Medicine, law and banking.. sometimes we all seem intent on eating our young.
January
So, this is more curiosity than anything else, but what’s the idea/pedagogical value behind having residents work 36-hour shifts (or longer)?
Cambridge Doc
You learn a lot, very fast. There is a huge value in following someone as you start treatment and see how they respond first hand. It is not the same as reading about it, and you remember it better.
Residents these days are learning less, and seeing less. They examine patients less, and defer decision making to new people quickly and don’t follow their patients very long. In my specialty they will probably add at least another year onto residency training. Residents are just not as well trained.
It is amazing what your body…. And mind…. Can do when you are young. The old system took advantage of that.
Of course there are downsides. But I tell you…. Residents will not be happy when another year of long hours, relatively low pay, and carrying a quarter million in MED school debt will be added to their burden. It’s rough.
Anon
I am neither an attorney nor an MD. I’m a senior manager in corporate finance and our culture is 24/7 on call. We don’t call it “on call” but if the CFO has a question over the weekend, he expects it answered over the weekend.
A rotating on call system would not work for us due to individual subject matter expertise. We are thinly staffed so we don’t have overlap in most areas.
SoCal Getaway
reposting from last night – thank you to the responses, would love more ideas.
You have a week in southern California in May – the goal is to relax, get away, and maybe have a little memorable adventure – what would you do? I will be with my husband and toddler. I’ve always wanted to go beach camping, but I’m not sure diapers and sand are a good mix. I am super open and just want to get away and an overwhelmed by all of the options out there (coming from DC). Thanks for your help!
Anonymous
I am a Disney fan so I would try to do Disneyland for at least a day! It would be a memorable adventure for the toddler at least. :)
Anonymous
Disneyland is SO much better than Disney World! There are far more attractions in the main park than at the Magic Kingdom at Disney World, and the layout and landscaping are much nicer.
Anonymous
I disagree. I actually hate how Disneyland is basically in the middle of a parking lot – I love that Disney World feels so far removed from everything else, and it’s bigger so it feels less crowded. But anyway, either way it’s still magical.
Anonymous
Which is which? I’ve never been to either (and am generally anti-amusement park — I can’t do spinny rides at all). But I have kids and might do one trip once and don’t want to go to the bad one.
Anonymous
Disney World is Florida, Disneyland is California. I’m not a typical amusement park fan either – I don’t do rollercoasters or spinny rides or anything scary. That’s actually why I love Disney, because there are tons of rides that aren’t fast or scary but still a lot of fun for both adults and kids.
lawsuited
If you could only do one of the parks (and I don’t suggest trying to do both parks in one day), I’d actually recommend California Adventure. Disneyland would probably be more nostalgic for you, but your little one is probably more familiar with the newer movies featured in the California Adventure like Cars, A Bug’s Life and Frozen. If your kid liked Cars they will lose their mind over Carsland – it is so well done and I felt like I was walking through the movie. California Adventure has a full indoor theatre and right now the show is an Anna and Elsa sing-a-long.
Anonymous
Disagree. I didn’t enjoy California Adventure much at all and if I were only spending 1 day at Disney, it would definitely be at the main park.
Anonymous
air BnB near the beach? I always try to stay on the beach vs driving distance when travelling with babies because that way one person can go up with the baby at nap time and the other can still enjoy the beach.
Anonymous
San Diego Zoo!
ChiLaw
The zoo is in Balboa Park, where there’s lots of fun walking and exploring to do — that could be a great day with the kiddo.
Look up a place with tide pools, maybe? The one that comes immediately to mind is Torrey Pines State Park, where you do a hike (with a little scrambling) down to the beach. The hike is easy, but I can’t recall if it’s totally safe for a toddler. But once you get down there there are rocks you with tide pools, and the kid can put her fingers in a sea anemone! And then after you hike you can go to VG’s donuts in La Jolla.
See if you can book a cabin at Crystal Cove. They go fast, but they’re a good deal, right ON the beach, a little rustic, and just so great. There are tide pools there too.
Anon
I would try to rent a condo or something right near the beach (the little cottages on Crystal Pier are nice, but expensive and might be booked already for that time. I would check vbro or similar), so you are close and can hang out on the beach, but also have a place to rest with the baby. The San Diego Zoo and Children’s Museum are awesome. I also like to spend a day walking around Balboa Park and when baby sleeps maybe pop into one of the museums. I also like the trolley tour of the city and my kids enjoyed it as toddlers too. You can get off on different spots and get back on. We got off on Coronado Island and got ice cream before getting back on. I also liked hiking around Torrey Pines beach and then down to the beach. It’s fun to rent a cabana on Coronado Island and relax all day in the shade too.
I like camping and have gone camping with my kids as babies, but haven’t done beach camping just because we don’t live within driving distance of the beach and seemed difficult to take all our camping supplies on an airplane, haha. But maybe there are places to rent from or something. I haven’t looked into it. But babies and camping are fun!
Anon
I would rent a house on or near the beach in Carlsbad and do some local beach days, some day trips to attractions like Legoland, Sea World, Disney.
I know it works because I’ve done exactly this trip. With a toddler. I honestly think Legoland is better for a toddler than Disney, and much easier to navigate.
Scarlett
I love renting an AirBNB in the Venice Beach area, close to Abbott-Kinney – you can shop and go to the beach & eat well. Personally, I tend toward museum visits, so I like going to the LACMA & the Getty. (Not sure if that’s the best with a toddler, but I think hanging around the beach & town should be pretty easy.) I’d look for a place with a pool or nice outdoor space so you can enjoy the weather & relax. If you go there, Gjeina in Venice is one of my favorite restaurants.
Scarlett
Gjelina!
X
Ladies, I thought I’d sing the praise of this lovely, lightweight spring tweed skirt:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-flap-pocket-tweed-pencil-skirt-regular-petite/4119542?origin=outfit&fashionPickUpStore=168
I bought it last week in the Nordstrom sale. I got the yellow and wore it to a dinner party last week and am wearing it again today with a navy long sleeve tee and navy tights. I think it bridges the gap between the calendar designation of Spring and the actual temperatures here in New England.
It also comes in Navy. And it has a matching jacket.
Wild Chicken
I like it except for the pockets. I think they would emphasize my pooch. Do you think I could buy this and remove them without destroying the skirt?
Anonymous
Lovely! (And for me, especially *because* of the pockets!)
Awkward
Any advice for a non-awkward way to respond to women who make self-deprecating comments about their body in relation to yours? I don’t want to do one of those “why do you say that” or other pointed responses, I just want to move on in a non-awkward way.
The background: I’ve always been pretty skinny, and these comments have always been an issue for me, but my sister has gained a bit of weight lately and it’s been pretty bad from her. We both had babies last year, and she held onto a lot of weight – I’m several years older than her, and it was my second, but I guess I just happen to have some weird lucky genes and lost my weight easily, while she’s struggled. Last several times I’ve seen her (she lives out of state), she’s made a lot of comments – not mean or intended to be insulting to me, but about herself with something sort of resembling a complement to me. “You’re so skinny and I’m so fat” sort of things.
I don’t want to make it a thing, I just want to sort of find a decent response that shrugs it off without either confirming her negative statement about herself or encouraging it, if that makes sense.
CPA Lady
“It makes me sad when you’re mean to yourself”. I’ve used something like that before in response to that kind of comment.
Oil in Houston
as someone who looks like / behave like OP’s sister, your answer almost made me cry. Thank you
Anonymous
Wouldn’t necessarily work with a colleague or something, but for your sister, I’d say something like, “I think you’re lovely no matter what.” Another thing I like to say is, “Don’t talk that way about my sister!” (I use this with my husband when he’s hard on himself.) It sounds like she’s feeling insecure, and while it’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to encourage more comments of the kind, it sounds like she needs a little love that you’re better positioned than most to offer.
Vi
I actually like “Don’t talk that way about my sister!” even better than my suggestion. Going to save that one.
Anonymous
+1
anon
ha, I get these comments most often from two of my bosses. SO AWKWARD ON SO MANY LEVELS and the sister-type responses don’t work.
the gold digger
My sister weighs more than I do (and I weigh more than I want to) and her weight fluctuates. I never comment when she loses weight or when she gains because no matter what, she is beautiful to me.
It’s hard not to talk about weight, but my mom had me on a diet starting when I was five. I realize now it wasn’t about me, it was about her. She is 73 and still talks about dieting and how much weight she has lost or gained. I can’t make her stop talking about it but I just don’t engage when she brings it up. I do not want to make weight the focus of my life and my identity.
Seriously, if I still have to worry about my weight (I am talking about ten to 15 pounds overweight here, not anything that might be unhealthy for bones, etc) when I am my mom’s age, I am going to be very cranky.
Vi
What about, “luckily god made us both gorgeous” and then change the subject?
ouch...
My SIL does this to me. It makes me feel awful…. and sometimes when she is not doing well (?more depressed I think?), she makes comparisons about my body between last year and this year. When I had GAINED weight this year, she went around telling everyone that I looked better this year, and looked “sick” last year….. Then I notice everyone walking up to me, staring me up and down.
This is not about you, it is about her. And it’s hard to deal with the closer the family is to you.
The best I’ve got is “please don’t say that”
Annie
I haven’t been in exactly your situation, but I can somewhat relate to your sister in that I have always been (and will always be) a few sizes bigger than my sister.
I appreciate when my sister says stuff that is validating to me, like: “our bodies are just different, and it’s so much easier for me to lose weight than it is for you” or “every body has a different natural point, and there’s only so much we can do.”
I like these comments — partly because I think they’re true — but because they also recognize that some people just have an easier time losing weight or staying thin. For some people, it’s really hard. When I get caught up in comparing my body to my sister’s, the worst thing is if I feel lazy and like I’m not trying hard enough. It’s more of a character trait issue than it is about how other people perceive my body.
Anon
Same question for me — but what do you say when the “you’re so thin; you never eat; I need to eat 10 times a day” comments come from someone who is a friend (not a best friend – more a casual one) or colleague? I can’t/don’t want to say they’re lovely. It’s one of those back handed compliments while putting themselves down comments that is hard to respond to.
CountC
I generally point to the 10 empty tupperware containers on my desk proving that I have been eating, as annoying as that is. My busy-body cube neighbor who is not skinny also loves to chime in, “SHE EATS ALL DAY LONG!!” So there’s that.
anonymous
I just change the subject. If you’re not a friend or loved one, I don’t have a responsibility to make you feel better. I generally am inclined to be kind to everyone and make them feel better when I can, but these comments go into no-win territory like right away on top of being really annoying. I have no obligation to address it, and even if I do it probably won’t stop.
AnotherAnon
+1 to changing the subject.
I think comments – positive or negative – about my body or eating habits are totally inappropriate at work, and rude at best otherwise. For the ‘back-handed compliments,’ I wouldn’t glorify them with a response.
the gold digger
It is rude to comment on someone else’s weight or what they are eating or not eating. It’s OK for you to ignore their comments or even to say, “That’s not something I am going to talk about.”
Killer Kitten Heels
At work, I’ll go for what is basically a nonresponsive response, like “Oh for heaven’s sakes. What was it you came to my office for, again?” (in a friendly/polite tone, of course).
hoola hoopa
I recently told someone “I’d prefer my body was not a topic of discussion.” And it worked.
It wasn’t the exact scenario, but they were making comparisons between us more regularly in a way that wasn’t offensive or mean to me but that made me uncomfortable. From the look on their face, they understood and respected it; it also stopped them from talking about theirs so much since they’ve stop comparing. It’s been a couple of weeks, which is at least 3-4 comments worth of time without any.
Hollis
Someone mentioned a $40 round brush yesterday and I have one and it works great. Mine has boar bristles. The problem for me is that no matter what I try, it has some product build up on it and I just can’t get it really clean. I tried shampooing it, soaking it in soap and water overnight, and its still gross if you look at it up close. Anyone here fix this problem?
Anonymous
Stop looking at it so closely?
Runner 5
Or if you’re long-sighted, look at it really closely so it goes blurry.
MarthaStewart
Soak in an Ammonia and water mixture.
Pesh
That’s normal. Some of that isn’t product build-up, it’s the way the boar hairs themselves age, flake and degrade over time.
Don’t soak or wash it, it will soften the bristles and the brush won’t work as well. Comb through the brush with a comb to keep it clean. Otherwise, that’s how they’re supposed to age.
Mmmmm, seeds
I recently shifted to a more plant-based diet (not really vegan or vegetarian, but definitely more seeds and less meat) and I’m liking it so far, but my digestive system doesn’t seem to be adjusting well. Probiotics and enzyme supplements seem to help, and I have charcoal tablets with me at all times for when I do get gas, but I gotta know, will my body eventually adjust to the increase in plant-based fiber or am I doomed to struggle with gas and bloating unless I switch back to my previous meaty, cheesy diet?
KittyKat
You will adjust, I think it took me about a month. Now I eat whole grains and legumes like a champ, the type of things that have ordinary people running to the bathroom.
CountC
It’s likely going to differ between bodies, but the times I get bloaty and gassy are when I eat soy products. Plain veggies don’t give me any troubles. I am a vegetarian who tries to avoid dairy, but does eat cheese, yogurt, and cottage cheese on occasion, and find that if it’s not the soy as mentioned above, it’s the dairy. I also avoid things like bread and pasta for this reason – those bloat me straight to hell and back with crazy gas pains. YMMV
Anonymous
Maybe slow down the transition?
anonymous
Tell me about these charcoal tablets! I suffer from bad gas on occasion and take probiotics and antacids but they only ameliorate the problem, not solve it.
Anonymous
What are you eating? Some things, like beans, peas, and lentils, you should rinse or soak and discard the soaking water to prevent gas . Otherwise yes, you will get used to it.
cbackson
My puppy is at doggie daycare for the first time today and I am SO NERVOUS. What if the other puppies don’t like him? What if he gets tired? Does he think I’m never coming back? AAAAAAAAAAGH.
(I know I’m being ridiculous, but I have to vent here because if I say this in real life people will be like OMG CRAZY DOG LADY.)
Cb
It’s okay. My husband has been away this week and I’ve given the cat extra snacks and let him sleep on the bed because he seems like he misses his daddy. I didn’t even like cats when we started dating and now I’m a crazy cat lady.
cbackson
YES. I always liked dogs, but with this little guy I’m totally like, insane dog person.
lawsuited
My husband hides treats all over the house for our cat whenever we go away for the weekend. He calls it “cat enrichment”.
AnotherAnon
this made my day! how cute!
cbackson
I have puzzles for my dog, so I get it.
Sydney Bristow
Mine does too! That’s a cute name for it.
Queen of the crazy dog ladies
Your puppy is having a great time playing with the other dogs. He’ll be really glad to see you this evening and it will teach him that you’re always going to come back for him.
cbackson
I do have to say I am already anticipating his joyful little jump into the air when he sees me at the end of the day. It never gets old.
lsw
Isn’t that one of the best parts of pet ownership? My dog just turned 15 and sleeps about 23 hours a day, but she still jumps for joy and greets me at the door every day when I get home. It’s the best.
Opal
A joyful jump, followed by a long snooze. My pup is EXHAUSTED after day camp… I promise s/he’s having a great time :)
CHJ
He will be fine! You’re doing a great thing for him. He gets to play with other dogs all day and he’ll sleep like a champ tonight and tomorrow. He might need a bath though. ;)
KT
I am a crazy dog lady as well. I toured 5 doggy day care facilities like a mom checking out prep schools before I chose one. I selected one who had web cams so I could check on her throughout the day.
if it’s a nice place, if the other dogs are mean to him (and it happens sometimes…some dogs just get on each others’ nerves, like people), they’ll put him in a separate place and have one-on-one play with a staff member. My female dog (spayed) is quite sweet, but there was a male dog obsessed with humping her (and only her). They took her into the staff lounge and played and snuggled with her all day. When I checked the camera, I could see her curled up on the staff couch with a work petting her watching TV.
If he gets tired, he’ll pass out–they all do! Most doggy day cares actually do an enforced nap time where they put each dog in an individual crate. They’re like toddlers, sometimes they’re exhausted but can’t stop, but pass out once they have to.
It gets better! My pup loves her day care. When i first took her, she would cry and stare at me like I betrayed her. Now as soon as we pull up the driveway she has her tail going and she skips off to go play and never even gives me a second glance.
Anonymous
I know this life. You could have taken the words right out of my mouth. I just think – he’s having so much more fun there than he would in his crate at home. And, even better, it gives him a chance to miss you! Just imagine him galloping out of the gate to run into your arms. Some days that image is what gets me though. :)
cbackson
That is totally what I’m thinking about. He is so happy whenever I come pick him up from some place (my parents’ house, the groomer, his trainer), that I am just imagining him happily running out to meet me tonight.
Mary Ann Singleton
My pup’s daycare has webcams. Yes, I’m that person checking in on my pup via webcams when at the office.
Annie
So it has now been seven weeks since I had my last cigarette. I used to smoke one or two a day, and did so for more than ten years! I’m really proud of myself for quitting once and for all, and I definitely won’t pick up the habit again.
But I miss it! Man, I wish it wasn’t so stinky and bad for you. I really enjoyed it.
Sigh.
anonymous
Good job!
Terry
Congratulations!!!
anon
Keep up the great work! Your body is already thanking you!
Batgirl
I was never a regular smoker (more of a social smoker but man did I NEED that smoke when I was out drinking with friends) and quit cold turkey as well (not nearly as big a feat, I know) — soon, you’ll find it really off-putting. Now I’m one of those people who finds it absolutely disgusting and complains when walking behind people who are smoking — that will soon be you! Congrats!
hoola hoopa
Congratulations!!
the gold digger
I am going to start smoking when I am 70 and have already started to wrinkle anyhow.
neighbor noise
I live in a coop in NYC (meaning that I own, not rent). My next door neighbor is in her 60s or 70s, and seems to be hard of hearing because she is always loud talking on the phone, listening to music/TV, etc. She’s always home. Lately it’s gotten worse because she has a new boyfriend or friend who is over all the time, who’s even louder than she is. They are retired and therefore are up at all hours, sometimes talking or listening to music/TV at 1am.
The first time politely I brought it up (not long after I moved in) she acted very wounded/victimized in response and said “no one’s ever complained before!” Her reaction made me feel stressed and want to really avoid speaking to her about it again…but it is an ongoing issue.
We have no specific coop rules about times noise is allowed…just says no one’s allowed to disturb their neighbors, basically.
1) How do I talk to this woman who is obviously sensitive to criticism in a way that will be productive? I could go to the coop board but I don’t really want to be that person.
2) Is it unreasonable of me to expect zero noise to come from her apartment after 10:30pm? I can live grudgingly with loudness until that time as a trade-off if I could hear no noise at all from her after 10:30, as I go to sleep at 11. Even hearing quieter talking at 11 is very bothersome to me. At the same time I don’t want to be asking for something tyrannical…I know she has the right to live her life, even though it’s driving me crazy and making me lose sleep.
Thoughts? Thanks!
anonymous
No advice about how to handle this, but I frequently wear earplugs and then noise cancelling headphones over them. Changed my life.
KT
White noise machine is a lifesaver :)
neighbor noise
I actually bought one (the Dohm). It gives me tinnitus. Maybe I should try another brand…
anon
Honestly – it’s not reasonable to expect no noise in an NYC co-op after 10:30 PM. General quiet, no loud music, yes. But not silence. I mean this sincerely and with kindness: It’s good that you know what you want, but in this case, what you want means that an apartment might not be the right living situation for you.
Opal
+1 Also in total sincerity, coop/multi-family living is not for you if you require silence.
Non-Newyorker
Can you please explain what a coop is? I realize I’ve always heard that term in connection with NYC living, but don’t really understand what it means. Does it mean there are communal spaces? Or you have to contribute to the apartment’s upkeep? In all sincerity, why would coop living mean more noise (and isn’t most/all of NYC multi-family apartment or condo buildings?)
The whole concept of NYC living is so foreign to me. Thanks!
neighbor noise
My (non-legal) understanding is that when you buy a coop you don’t actually own your apartment, but the whole building is a corporation in which you own a number of shares relative to the size/value of your apartment. Coops are more common in NYC but condos are gaining popularity–you have more control and they’re usually more expensive to buy, but I think you actually technically do own your apartment if it’s a condo.
I only brought up the coop thing because it’s not the usual NYC situation where I have a landlord who deals with problems…we are all apartment owners. It shouldn’t affect the noise level.
Opal
Someone can definitely explain this better than me, but it has to do with the ownership structure. You own “shares” (or something to that effect) in the overall building. The number of shares you own is a function of your unit’s size relative to total building area. Am I correct in that you don’t have a deed for your exact unit but you own a piece of the cooperative/corporation (ie: building association/ownership structure)?
My comment, though, was meant to apply to any multi-housing scenario – condo, apartment, coop, duplex, etc… even a townhome with a shared wall (although my old townhouse had thick walls and this wasn’t a major issue). More people + shared walls + shared floors/ceilings = more noise.
neighbor noise
Thanks. I’ve lived in NYC for 11 years and have no plans to leave, but might have to adjust expectations.
MJ
Unless you feel that this woman is vindictive, I would just put my big girl panties on again, and knock on her door the next time she’s really loud at 1am. I’d do it in my jammies, looking disheveled, and apologetically say, “I am sorry for bringing this up again, but you may not realize that you are being very loud, and you’ve woken me up. Perhaps we could chat about this later, but would it be possible to keep your TV and voices down after midnight? I have [XYZ work event] tomorrow, and I really need to be rested.”
Then follow up the next day. If she’s hostile, then you go to the condo board. But just because her old neighbor didn’t notice/mind, doesn’t mean you need to remain silent!
neighbor noise
Not vindictive/hostile, I don’t think…so stressful to contemplate doing that, but you’re probably right that I need to.
Anon
Yeah it’s unreasonable. I think that’s what people are telling you. This woman is not having raging parties. She is speaking at a level that is natural to her.
You’re going to have to figure out solutions on your end, not hers.
neighbor noise
I guess I’ve just been lucky in previous apartments. Thanks. :(
anon
Or prior apartments had less sound carry. You should look into soundproofing your apartment. There’s lots of NYC companies that do this.
KT
Yeah..it would be one thing if she was blasting music…but she’s watching Tv and talking…that’s normal living. I think asking her to not talk or turn off her TV at 10:30 is a bit unreasonable.
Batgirl
I lived in an apartment with a similar neighbor. He was very sweet, but very hard of hearing. He ended up buying wireless headphones to watch TV with at night (because he watched TV loudly ALL DAY AND NIGHT), but I only mentioned the noise once to him. He was really sweet about it all. But to be fair, TV noise can be almost as annoying as music noise. And you do have some responsibility to try to keep noise down for neighbors, particularly at night. I used to be able to hear what guests were on Letterman that night through the wall. It was intense!
heatherskib
Can you make out details? If a second polite request doesn’t work, perhaps a note that clearly points out everything that you can clearly hear through the walls might inspire a bit of awareness. Unfortunately, however, I think that you are just going to be stuck!
neighbor noise
Yes, when the boyfriend is yelling, especially. I feel pretty stuck (and so frustrated). Thanks.
Anon
You guys, her neighbor is an older woman who is hard of hearing. This is a disability. If the OP had said “my neighbor’s white cane is constantly tapping on the floor and driving me crazy” I think you would have a different response.
neighbor noise
I don’t know that she is hard of hearing. That’s my charitable explanation for why she might be so loud all the time, instead of assuming that she is inconsiderate to her neighbors.
anon
Not quite, it’s more like saying “my blind neighbor keeps knocking over his furniture causing loud crashes that knock pictures off my walls and scare my cat instead of using his cane to navigate his apartment.”
Neighbor-lady should get (or wear) hearing aids if she is so hard of hearing that her neighbors can’t sleep while she is watching TV. Source: a good friend who lost most of her hearing as a child and wears her hearing aids even when alone in her apartment watching TV because she knows that turning up the volume will upset her neighbors.
the gold digger
I have no advice for you except to serve as a cautionary tale. Don’t bother offering her cookies. It won’t work: http://diaryofagolddigger.blogspot.com/2010/03/in-which-primo-and-i-get-into-huge.html
Killer Kitten Heels
You’ve already gotten good advice on neighbor relations, so I’ll skip straight to the practical – Look into sound-proofing tiles for the shared wall. My H has an office downstairs that’s directly under our bedroom, and his (often late-night) video production work in said office was driving me crazy when we first moved in, but he got these foam tiles (relatively inexpensively) and stuck them on the ceiling, and they really do make a huge difference in sound transmission. He got them in two different patterns/colors, so unless you happen to know that they’re soundproofing tiles, they actually just look like interesting 3D art.
Lauren
Help me style this skirt! I’m not terribly fashion forward but want to dip my foot into the world that is the maxi skirt. How would you style this for a wedding (as a guest)? How would you style it more casually?
http://www.nyandcompany.com/nyco/prod/apparel/skirts/all-skirts/floral-maxi-skirt/A-prod6770012/?An=102618#.Vwz2UBIrKRs
(side note: I hadn’t been in a NY&Co in a decade– they’ve really changed their styling! check out the Eva Mendes line for fun, colorful, nice material, conservative cut dresses. they’re gorgeous!)
Lyssa
Pretty! Their recent stuff is very pretty, but has so little that would work with my coloring!
I would wear this with a silky white sleeveless top. I’m thinking a close-fitting halter would be beautiful. I also love the green long-sleeved top (bodysuit?) they have it paired with in the pictures section, though that might not be dressy enough for a wedding.
Anonymous
Can you buy the matching top? I think they look great together.
Lauren
I think they look great together, too, but I dont love this color with my skin coloring. That’s the base of my question, really, is howto wear this with a contrasting or complementary top that looks better next to my face!
Cat
Lauren, do you work for them? This reads a bit like an ad in disguise. But I’ll bite anyway — I’d wear that skirt as a sarong at the beach, given the slit! Pretty pattern though.
Anonymous
+1 This post screams ad.
HSAL
I’ll back her up, actually. I recently bought a few things there after not shopping for 10-11 years. Some good pieces. Quality isn’t always there but I’ve been happy with the price-per-wears I’ve gotten.
Lauren
LOL, no, I’m a gov’t lawyer. Sorry, I didn’t man to sound trolly, I really was surprised when I walked into their brick and mortar store yesterday for seriously the first time in a decade. I remember it being much more old lady (though maybe this means that I have aged into the old lady I pictured shopping in this store 10 years ago?).
Thanks for your thoughts– Cat, do you think the slit makes it not wedding guest appropriate?
Cat
Considering the slit is pretty much up to inner-thigh height, I wouldn’t wear it in public (i.e., not as swimwear), formal or not, as-is.
I’d stitch the slit down by 6-8″ to avoid wardrobe malfunction. For casual, I’d pair it with a navy tshirt or tank — I love navy and yellow together. For wedding, trickier, because you need the material of the top to be just as dressy as the bottom, and it’s hard to find plain silky tops that would work!
Blonde Lawyer
Oh this comment cracked me up. I was recently in the local mall and the Chico’s display in the window was much more modern and stylish than I remembered them previously being. And then I wondered if I just got older rather than the store going younger. I always thought NY&C was a younger persons store. They never seemed old lady to me like Talbots/Lands End/Chadwicks/Chico’s.
lsw
What about a navy sleeveless silk top and a statement necklace? That would dress it up for a wedding. I think it’s hard to do separates for a wedding so I would lean toward things that make it as un-casual as possible. Another challenge is that you might need a coverup/sweater, and I think making three pieces work is more challenging than two for a wedding. I’d keep a coverup and top in the same solid color.
Lauren
I love this picture. Would you do the statement necklace in yellow? Or is that too matchy matchy? Something like this?
http://www.charmingcharlie.com/jewelry/petal-to-the-metal-chormatic-necklace-set.html#color=light-yellow
(suggestions on where to buy statement jewelry obviously welcome)
CountC
I would absolutely do the statement necklace in yellow and love the suggestion of the navy blue top. It would be a gorgeous look!
Killer Kitten Heels
Eva Mendes line for nice material? Umm… the last time I went in to a NY&Co. to check out an Eva Mendes suit (it was styled nicely in the window), all of the pieces were already wrinkled on the rack. Needless to say, I did not buy.
Lauren
I didn’t see any suiting, but I wasn’t looking. The fit and flare dresses are what I was referring to. I really like that navy one with the lemons and the material was nice!
Anonymous
I would probably only wear it to a casual or beach wedding, since it looks like a sarong, but I do think you can dress it up. I would perhaps pair it with a dressy top like one of these: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-beaded-crepe-top/4129342?fashioncolor=black , http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/elizabeth-and-james-eniko-sleeveless-top/4150998, http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/rosalita-crop-top/4279790?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK (ok, this one is questionable in the front but I like the back)
Lauren
Ooh, that second one is beautiful. Too rich for my blood. The last one is very pretty but the whole outfit together looks like elaborate lingerie!
Inheritance Help
Gah I posted a whole novel, but it was eaten so this may post twice(?). My sibling and I recently inherited a duplex as trust beneficiaries. I live and have lived on one side and have done so for the last four years, while I helped care for our relative who recently passed. Fifty-fifty split. In discussing our options going forward, I am a bit concerned. Sibling is in second year of medical school in a diff state and has no plans to move back to my state in the future. He threw out the idea of opening a HELOC on “his half” to pay his tuition so that he doesn’t have to pay loans at 7.84% interest. From my perspective that seems like a terrible idea. Why would I risk losing the roof over my head for his student loans? What if he dies or gets ill and can’t practice? Any other thoughts on this are welcome. I will need to be able to explain all the reasons why I wouldn’t agree to this. It seems like there is absolutely no upside for me–only incredible downsides. Second but related issue: my husband and I would love to buy him out. My thought was he could then use that chunk of money (prob at least 150k) for his tuition. I think if I run the numbers, the amount he would save on not paying interest would make it a no brainer(?). I know I need to talk to a banker and CPA but what else should I be thinking about? I don’t know the tax implications for him. But I would want to basically make him an offer he can’t refuse. Is there a way for me to pay his tuition directly so he could avoid capital gains? I have no clue. What would you wise ladies do in this situation? I want to keep the property–it’s a great location, will hold its value, and means so much to me sentimentally. My sibling can have some really hairbrained schemes and is still pretty immature.
MNF
Are you in contact with the estate planning attorney/firm that drafted the trust? I would start there to figure out what restrictions, if any, there are on trust property. Depending on the type of trust (was it a grantor trust before the relative died?) there may have been a step up in the basis of the house – meaning little or no capital gains if you purchase from your brother soon. Most estate planning attorneys would know enough about the tax situation to point you in the right direction. Sounds like there are lots of upsides (you have a roof over your head that you didn’t have to buy!) – good luck.
OP
I am not personally in touch with the attorney but my relative who is the trustee is. I am not sure on the type of trust–I know she amended it (with an attorney of course), so I don’t think it was non-grantor, but it could also have been a IDGT trust? I’m not sure. But great suggestion to start with her. Thanks for your response.
Senior Attorney
If you inherited it, you should have a stepped-up tax basis so capital gains shouldn’t be an issue. I think buying him out is definitely the way to go here. Get thee to a banker/accountant and run the numbers.
OP
Thanks for your response — I’ve long-appreciated (and put to use) the advice you give here.
Anon
If you want to stay in the house but he doesn’t want to, buying him out is a no-brainer. Get some comps from a realtor about what you could sell the place for and make the offer.
You definitely need an attorney to draw up the agreement. I bought my first husband out of our house and we didn’t use an attorney. I was very, very lucky he didn’t come after me because there was a period of time where he had money from me but the quit claim deed wasn’t filed yet. If I had to do it again I’d make sure there was a better formal contract laying out the whole thjng. I assume you’re going to need to get a mortgage to pay him his half anyway, so you’ll need this kind of documentation.
Do not let your bro take out a loan on his half of the equity to pay his tuition. That is just nuts. If you’re both on title I don’t see how he could do that on his own anyway.
Anonymous
You should talk to a financial professional to weigh your options. You should also let your brother know that you are doing so because you have no interest in co-signing a HELOC but want to kick around other ideas.
Another idea: can he rent his side out and use the income to pay loans/bills?
OP
Yes, that is definitely another option that we need to discuss. Some considerations we’ve talked about: the other side needs to be cleaned out and fixed up (prob. 5k to 10 k in repairs, maintenance, etc.). Sibling has no time or money to either help with all the work that needs to be done, or pay for it to be done by someone else, which means it falls to me. Once it was rented, I could be reimbursed. He indicated he just “wants to do nothing and get a check every month”–which, frankly, irritated me. If he had a more charitable attitude about my husband and I spending our weekends fixing the place up, and fronting the money, then I would probably be a little more optimistic about what the future of co-owning would look like with him. Also, the rent would not be that much. Could probably rent it for $700/month, maybe $750. $250 is the bare minimum that would need to go toward taxes/insurance each month. Then add an 8% management fee that would go to me. Then add a little bit more because it is an older home and will have things go wrong with it, and it would be prudent to have a joint emergency fund set up, so say that’s another $200 per month. So he’s looking at an income of probably $200 to $300 each month. I guess that would help him, but when his loans would be at 7.84% interest, it seems to me like it wouldn’t help him enough. Anyway. Thanks for your thoughts.
SC
Definitely talk to an estate planning attorney and CPA. But I don’t know that your brother’s suggestion is necessarily “hair brained.” There are probably several ways to protect yourself without buying him out. You and he could set up a contract where he agrees that the rental income from “his half” repays the HELOC, and he could take out a long term disability policy and life insurance policy to repay the HELOC in case he gets I’ll or injured and can’t practice anymore or dies. He might also agree to be bought out.
It seems like from your quotes around “his half,” you’re aware that you need to be familiar with your state’s law on co-ownership. It’s likely (and would be true in my state) that, even in a multi-unit building, the siblings would co-own the whole building, not each own half the units. Buying him out would be the most straightforward thing, and if you have the means and he’s agreeable, I would definitely do it.
Conference Help!
I have a fashion conundrum I’m hoping you all can help with!
I currently work in a very casual office but was invited to attend a conference with my boss on Thursday, where I assume all the attendees will be dressed business casual. I was planning on wearing a black and white jacquard pencil skirt (link to follow) but the weather forecast is looking a little chilly/overcast for the area, and I don’t want my legs to freeze. (Plus they always blast the AC in the banquet rooms at these things). What do I do!?
Wear panty hose? (If so, what color and what level of sheerness?) Drape my jacket over my knees if I’m cold? Go bare legged and just grin and bear it? Pants aren’t an option at this point as I won’t have time to buy a pair that fit in time.
Thanks for your help!
Anonymous
Love the skirt. I think it’s too late in the year for black tights so I would wear very sheer nude pantyhose.
Anon in MA
I’m wearing black tights today. Yesterday, I wore dark gray tights. Depends where you are.
X
Yup. I’ve worn black, gray and navy tights in the past week…
Anonymous
I know it’s still cold in some places (there’s still snow on the ground here!) but I’m just so over dressing for winter that I wouldn’t wear black tights.
lucy stone
Not sure where in the world you are, but here in the upper midwest women are still wearing boots, which would solve some of the leg warmth issue. I think that would work with black flat boots if you have them without being too dressy.
Anon in MA
Wear black tights.
Bonnie
Black tights and boots.
Conference Help!
So for all the black tight proponents… isn’t that too much black? I was planning on wearing a black top as well. I’d prefer not to wear boots so my shoe options are pointy patent leather black flats, or cognac ballet flats.
NYNY
I have a similar skirt, and wear it in colder weather with black tights and a black top. It’s a little mod, which is one of my favorite looks. YMMV.
Also, as a New Yorker, there’s no such thing as “too much black.”
Wendy
As an alternative to black tights, consider some nude pantyhose. I find L’eggs Sheer Energy about the right weight for this time of year. It also would add a little contrast to your black top and flats.
lawsuited
The skirt is great! If you want to wear the cognac flats, then wear nude sheer hose, but sheer hose are not actually that warm so if you’re sensitive to cold you’re better off wearing black opaque hose and your black flats. The skirt will break up the black top and black hose so it won’t look like too much black.
Conference Help!
Here’s the link to the skirt:http://www.terapeak.com/worth/loft-nwt-petite-jacquard-pencil-skirt-12-petite-black-white-originally-69/321852189952/
Bette
Depending on the overall weather in your part of the world, I’d do either black opaque tights or flesh-toned sheer nylons.
In the NE, I am still wearing tights unfortunately.
No to draping your jacket over your knees. If you are in there and freezing, I’d step out for a hot cup of coffee and a brisk walk.
Scout
Side note: what an adorable skirt. I would wear black tights with low black booties.
KT
I was given snark for daring to wear a dress without pantyhose because my legs are PALE. God forbid. I didn’t realize bare legs in 90+ degree heat (Florida) was limited to the golden-toed.
Pale Skin/Black Hair/Don’t Care!
Florida Anon
As a fellow whiter-shade-of-pale, rock those legs! And let your fellow Floridian sunbathers deal with the consequences of a “golden tan.”
Godzilla
Why are white humans so obsessed with skin color? It’s so bizarre.
KT
Boggles my brain.
New Tampanian
Since moving down here 14 months ago I’d say I wear dresses 90% of the time and never with pantyhose. Tell the person GFY.
Anon
I just found out that my boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me after discovering a picture of him and a random girl. I basically had to pull the “truth” (in quotes because i will never know if it is) out of him. He slept with the girl numerous times over a few months last year and is still keeping in touch with her. I am so blind sided that I can’t believe this has happened. I ended things immediately but am still in denial. Just looking for some advice and commiseration I suppose…
anonymous
Wow, that sucks. It’s a good thing you know that he’s a cheating fool now rather than after getting married or having kids, though.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry. You did the right thing to end it.
Senior Attorney
You did the right thing, as you know. Just be strong about not contacting him. You need to break the attachment and it’s way way harder if you keep talking to him.
You dodged a bullet. Better days are coming!
lawsuited
+1 You dodged a bullet. The only thing worse than finding this out now would be finding out once you were married with 2 children….
CHJ
SO MANY HUGS. This happened to me a few years ago, and like you, I was completely blindsided. And honestly, it was the most painful thing that ever happened to me in a breakup. I felt like the air had been sucked out of my chest for months.
You’re doing the right thing, even if it hurts so bad you can’t stand it. Trust is so important to a healthy relationship. You’ll get through this and find someone better, I promise.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry. That is awful.
When I discovered by my (now ex-)boyfriend of 3 years was cheating on me with multiple women (I swear there were no signs until I had the perspective of hindsight!) I really had to constantly fight the urge to wonder what I did wrong or why I wasn’t enough. It did a number on my self-esteem. But taking really good care of myself and having a friend who knew all the nitty gritty details and who could remind me his cheating had nothing to do with me really helped me get through those first few months.
anon
hugs to you!
New Brit
I’m going through almost the exact same thing, also after 5 years, so I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through it too.
I’m a couple of months in, so have had a little bit of time to adjust. I was really lucky to have a supportive sister, who kept me distracted and helped me to feel good about myself.
I also found Senior Attorney’s relationship advice invaluable. I sat down and really thought about what I wanted in a partner and relationship, and I’ve realised that my ex didn’t even come close. Although I’m still hurting, I’m also excited about the prospect of something better coming along!
Anon in NYC
I’m sorry. My college boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me for about a year, and I found out because the other woman called me and told me. Turns out she didn’t know that he was still dating me because he had spun this elaborate story about how he was spending time with me because we were still friends and I was “thrilled” that they had found happiness together. It sucked a lot and I had a lot of trust issues going into my relationship with my now-husband.
This guy is not worth your time and would have been a terrible partner in the long-run because he didn’t have the guts to come to you and tell you that he was unhappy or his needs/wants weren’t being met. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Think about all the heartache you’ve saved yourself. That doesn’t make it hurt less now, I know, but better relationships are coming. And don’t think this is too silly to take to a therapist!
Meg Murry
I’m so sorry, big hugs to you!
And for a bit of practical advice that probably rubs salt in the wound, sorry – you should go get tested for STDs just in case.
Anonymous
I’m going with a small group for Peking duck tonight as a birthday dinner and have never been. Anything I need to know/pro tips?
anonymous
I’m looking for a white blouse to wear under a suit for interviews. I’ve found some beautiful ones, but they all seem a little sheer. Is this just how white clothes are? And does it matter all that much if I’m wearing it under a suit?
Anonymous
Lafayette Leigh button down in white.
Bonnie
No suggestions for a specific blouse but sheerness does matter even if you’re wearing it under a suit. There could be a thermostat malfunction, spill, etc. that would necessitate removing your jacket. If your shirt is sheer, definitely wear a cami just in case.
Anon
Totally matters — plan on things going wrong and the room being 90 degrees or something where everyone takes their jacket off and you have to as well.
MJ
Recommend those from Austin Reed, Charles Tyrwhitt, or Hawes and Curtis. They are all British brands.
Anonymous
I wear a tank top underneath that is close to the color of my skin, though I generally avoid white tops for this reason.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
I actually really like the simple button downs from Banana Republic, Riley fit. (I usually someone who opts for higher end things.) They have a wide variety of sizes (including tall), and are the only button-down shirt I have found that I can buy without tailoring.
They are of medium quality, so they need replacing more often than I would like. But they are cheap and fit well.
Amelia Earhart
I just got around to reading yesterday’s morning thread about not being where you expected to be in life/dating. One of the commenters said you have to date and I get that, but HOW?? I was set up on a blind date with my last boyfriend, but since then I can’t meet anyone even pushing my boundaries, trying new things and joining groups.
I’ve tried online dating and it’s defeating when you send message after message and get nothing back. Like, I know I’m not the prettiest person ever, or even an attractive person period but I think I’m interesting and adventurous and could offer a lot to someone. How do you get past that feeling of not being good enough?
Anonymous
1. Definitely let friends know you are interested. I’m married/ mid-thirties and I don’t try to match friends up with even though I know other single people unless they specifically tell me that they are looking to meet someone new. I don’t want to be the married lady that presumes everyone is looking to meet a man – but if you are, I will definitely try to help connect you with men that I think you might like.
2. Get out there and live your fullest life – try out different interests and meet new people. The more people you meet, even in a platonic way, the more likely you are to meet the right person.
3. Don’t worry too much about “pretty” – My BIL loves my sister’s curves; my DH loves my curly greying hair and is constantly after me to not dye or straighten it. The thing you are most self conscious about could turn out to be the thing that attracts the right person.
anon
Seconding letting friends know you are interested in dating. I found my SO by letting certain, very carefully selected, professional contacts know that I was dating and open to being set up. I was careful to not get into details about deal breakers or weird dating stories. I just told them that I would be happy to meet people.
Anonymous
This is me! I send lots of messages and get vanishingly little attention. I’m smart and funny and successful and pretty. I just keep trying because there’s nothing else to be done.
trefoil
This used to be me! Well, this plus a series of first dates and ghosting, only to find the guy’s profile later with the addition of how he’s looking for a woman who’s into his “active lifestyle.” Which always, always screams “no fat chicks” to me.
I was aggressively single for about four years, and when I moved to a new city I set up an OkC profile looking for friends, and put all my weirdness out there. I got an email about three weeks post-move with “new people who joined” and clicked on a dude. He looked too athletic for me, and lived in a different city, and didn’t have anything in his profile, so I didn’t message him despite our 94% match. He messaged me later that night, about a book that I referenced in my profile.
We texted and emailed and eventually met five months later, and up to that point he had only ever seen a photo of me kayaking away.
We got married in February, two years after our first message. He still sasses me about how I thought he was too athletic to be interested in me. He’s not at all what I thought I was looking for–I liked a man who was a trademan, a carpenter or mechanic, short, stocky, dark haired and married a tall, light haired moustachioed man with an office job.
As the comment from Anon at 1:37 says, it’s possible to narrow the field too much in online dating–don’t cut people out based on things they can control! (I mean, you can still rule someone because their opening line is actually a d!ck pic, but also don’t be too tied to arbitrary things like height or eye colour).
Coach Laura
Amelia – I think if you’re going to do online dating, it might be kinder and less painful to think of it more like a business interview – less personal. I’m sure that you’re good enough. Perhaps you’re using an online site that is more about hookups than relationships (which site to use varies by city I think). Perhaps your messages are not finely tuned to the audience. (Have a savvy girlfriend or guy friend read yours and offer suggestions.) But it helps to view the process as flawed and just move on from bad results – JSFAMO.
Maybe expand your friend group and seek out people with large friend groups. Ask friends to set you up with their co-worker or their cousin. One of the interesting things that I get from reading the NYTimes Weddings section is the random and varied ways people meet their partners. Some is luck, some is exposure. Try not to let the process make it harder on you.
Anonymous
“random and varied ways people meet their partners” – be open to meeting random people in random ways
– this is so important – online dating actually makes this less likely. Online I would have been looking for tall guys with dark hair who love dogs – actual husband has blond hair, is on the shorter side, hates dogs and loves cats – but he was the right guy for me. We constantly joke that we would never have met if dating in the online era.
the gold digger
I found my used husband at my college reunion. But they don’t usually start coming on the market until about the 15th or 20th reunion. However, I was happily single before that, although I didn’t always realize how great it was at the time NEVER TO HAVE TO COMPROMISE. OR DEAL WITH INLAWS.
CHJ
I just got the most appropriate fortune cookie for thissite:
“Your love of gardening will take on new meaning in your life.”
Susie
Hahaha!!
Senior Attorney
*snort*
Anonymous
Bahahaha.
hoola hoopa
haha
Anonymous
That is /beautiful/.
Anonymous
I live in an area where the lawyers are mostly white men. There are a number of senior female lawyers but none who identify as minorities. In the past it’s been clear to me that firms do not prioritize hiring female lawyers or in particular women of colour and it’s not uncommon for firms to have no female associates or only one female associate (always incredibly junior) or one female partner. I’ve worked at two white male dominated firms, both of which used to complement me on my “diversity” and on how good it looked for the firm. We have an abundance of women in law events and nonsense like that hosted by men and white women who have done absolutely nothing for diversity hiring.
To give you an example, at a recent women in law event the main speaker was a local white male lawyer whose firm employed no female associates and had no female partners. The second speaker was a female partner who was widely regarded as being awful to the last young female lawyer who worked for her (who she also terminated and replaced with a temporary female hire).
Another young woman of colour suggested to me that we start our own informal group of young women lawyers and make it a space more friendly for those of us who are minorities. The fakeness of the more formal events and the general patronizing nature of listening to successful, white female partners yammering on about our common struggle is grating. Thoughts?
Anonymous
If you don’t like these events, don’t attend them. Problem solved.
Anonymous
I’m going to bet you are white and do nothing to mentor anyone.
Anonymous
You are so wrong, you have no idea. I just don’t play victim.
Anonymous
You can’t tell women of colour not to go to places that we are not welcome. Because then we would not leave our houses. We might not even have houses because often people don’t want us buying them in their neighbourhoods.
Making ourselves less visible and less involved solves nothing.
Anonymous
No, that’s not what I said. I said you should not go to events that are not enjoyable and are not advancing your agenda. There is an opportunity cost to attending such events.
Marion
When you are being victimised for being a person of colour, woman, gay or disabled you aren’t playing anything – it’s your real freaking life. So when people come and share those stories on a website for women let’s not suggest *they* are the ones doing something wrong.
It’s an awesome idea OP!
anon
Congrats, anonymous at 12:50. Yours has to be the most useless comment I’ve ever seen on this site, and that includes considering Ellen’s post’s.
I think the only way you could have been more dismissive would have been if you told OP that diversity wasn’t important and s3xism is over.
Anonymous
Your reading comprehension is nonexistent. That’s not what I said at all. You don’t end diversity and sexism like that.
Anonymous
lack of diversity* obviously
anon
*My* reading comprehension is non existent? Listen up buttercup, I didn’t say that you *told her* that diversity is important and that s3xism is over” I said that’s the only way you could have been more dismissive.
Seriously, don’t tell me my reading comprehension is non-existent when you LITERALLY misstated what I said to make a strawman argument. Please.
Anonymama
Your first sentence is fine, but does absolutely nothing to solve the problem of there being lip service paid to diversity and no actual support or mentoring. Also, you didn’t answer her question about forming her own group.
Anonymous
That’s because all these stupid groups are a waste of time.
anonymous
I would really appreciate a group like this. Hell, I’d even help you put it together. I say go for it.
Anon in NYC
It sounds like a great idea.
Senior Attorney
Of course you should do that! Sounds like a great idea!
Godzilla
You should absolutely start a group. ABSOLUTELY. I don’t know what the best way of going about this is but YES, ALL THE WAY.
Anon
Sounds like a great idea, but be wary of being exclusionary as well. Try to get some advocates that are outside your core group so you don’t end up pigeon holing. We did something like this in my industry and it became known as the Chinese lunch. I was so pissed off when I heard that!
National Parks?
My husband received a National Parks annual pass as a gift. What National Parks should we visit this summer? We have three kids, ages 4, 8, and 12 and live in Colorado. I would love to visit the parks in Utah but have heard they can get pretty hot in the summer. Ditto for the Grand Canyon. Should we head north instead? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Anonymous
Yeah, I would head north. Yellowstone and Grand Teton are nice in summer. If you want to go even further, Glacier National Park in Montana is spectacular. The Grand Canyon or the Utah parks would be a great spring break trip if your pass will still be good in March/April 2017.
Bewitched
My favorite National Park (bar none) is Yellowstone. (I haven’t been to them all yet though!) That said, it really depends on whether you want to fly or drive. We went to Grand Canyon and Arches/Bryce/Zion in summer and they were fine, although we planned our activities accordingly. Short hikes in the am before it got too hot, then some shaded activity or outdoor activity which wasn’t too strenuous, then something again when it cooled down. We’ve also done Glacier, Yosemite, Acadia, Grand Teton, and Crater Lake. They are all awesome but I think you can do the most at one time if you do Bryce/Zion/Arches/Canyonlands. Have fun!
CHJ
I love the Grand Tetons and the Badlands. You could combine those with Yellowstone on one (long) trip, and hit Mount Rushmore, the Bighorns, and Deadwood along the way.
Sydney Bristow
Teddy Roosevelt national park is really cool. It’s in North Dakota so much less crowded. We saw a ton of buffalo. There are actually 2 separate parks and I’d do them both since they are somehow pretty different.
Definitely second the Badlands recommendation.
As a side note, once you turn 65 (60?) you can buy a senior pass for a tiny amount of money that you never have to renew. At many parks that charge by the car, you can get everyone in. I’ve seen a lot of parks with my inlaws with their pass.
MT/MN Girl
Teddy Roosevelt – North Unit and South Unit, is basically the North Dakota Badlands park. Personally, I think TR (the Painted Badlands) is prettier than the South Dakota Badlands, but I used to live just over the border in MT, so I may be biased :) You can access parts of the South Unit from I-94 through North Dakota (just east of Medora, I believe. So even if you are just driving through NoDak to get to Yellowstone, I still recommend a stop.
Anonymous
62. My parents are only 66 and have probably already saved hundreds of dollars with it. Best bargain EVER. Even at parks that charge per person the eligible senior can bring 3 people with them.
Senior Attorney
God bless you for that “only” in front of the “66!” ;)
National Parks?
Awesome suggestions, everyone. Thanks!
Walnut
We went to Zion National Park in July a couple years ago and had a great day hiking the narrows. The Virgin River is your trail, so you’re ankle to knee deep in water most of the time. It’d be great fun for the kids too.
Co-author Frustrations
Just seeking commiseration with anyone from the hive who has survived co-authoring with a difficult colleague. I’m an academic working on a research study (Criminology) with students and my department chair. I discovered that his contribution (the literature review) was so poorly written and cited (bordering on plagiarism), that I’ve had to rewrite the entire thing. He has been hounding me about when the article will finally be finished. I’m beyond frustrated and want nothing to do with future collaborations. So anxious to get this finished, published, and be done. Trying to take the high road and be classy by not pointing out his errors, but it is so, so hard to put up with the sexism/entitlement from this old man. Fortunately, I’m newly tenured and feel protected but just very frustrated. Any advice or similar stories would be much appreciated.
Anonymous
In my experience, “co-authoring” means one of three things:
1. Writing the whole thing myself;
2. Writing most of the article myself and then fixing the garbage that my co-authors wrote (your most recent experience); or
3. Dealing with my co-authors’ refusal either to fix or allow me to fix the garbage that they wrote and then having to see my name on said garbage once it is published.
My co-author issues usually result from entitlement and/or incompetence, not sexism. Unfortunately, I can offer only commiseration, no advice other than a suggestion to spend an evening with our friend Shots Shots Shots.
hoola hoopa
Yep.
Focus on getting it published and being d.o.n.e. Be happy that he’ll let you rewrite to your liking (#3 is worse) and keep your eye on the finish line.
Anonymous
Sexism is a very real and serious issue but your situation has nothing to do with sexism. This is not helping anybody.
Anonymous
Slow your roll. There could have been sexism involved – she doesn’t mention that his bad writing was sexist, but that he has demonstrated sexism and entitlement.
Anonymous
“could have been” <- yeah, you slow your roll yourself. Just because someone is a jerk doesn't immediately make you a victim of sexism.
Anonymous
Seriously. I know male academics who also have to fix female academics poor work in co-authoring, bad writing (and laziness) knows no bounds.
Anonymous
By being a $hitty writer? She took on fixing it because his portion was terrible. She didn’t have to if she didn’t want to (although I completely understand why she did). I saw nothing in her post that indicated he gave her his portion with the direction that she were to edit it because that should default to the woman, only that he wants to know when it will be done as he gave her his portion and she is adding hers (and unbeknownst to him basically rewriting his).
anon prof
I am right there with you. It’s great that you’re tenured–keep reminding yourself of that, and turn down requests to work with him in the future, maybe by having a backlog of pressing projects you need to wrap up first that somehow stretches on until his retirement. After a horrific experience with 2 book co-authors last year whom I thought would be good, I’m planning to basically hold an audition before agreeing to co-author again–I want to see something done independently by the person that hasn’t been edited by anyone else.
I also remind myself that co-authoring helps me get things out the door. Somehow, being responsible to someone else, even if I’m doing 100% of the work, helps me finish things while my sole-authored projects languish because I’m not as motivated. (I’m an obliger in Grethen Rubin’s categories.)
Anonymous
You should point out his errors. Don’t burn any bridges, but politely explain what you’re doing and why it is taking so long.
the gold digger
Are those sleeves I see before me?
Anonymous
Am I the only person here who doesn’t use a budget? My husband and I put all our expenses except the mortgage and property taxes on credit cards (which we immediately pay off, we just use them for the rewards points) and that usually totals 30-40% of our post-tax, post-retirement savings income. We direct the rest to the mortgage and savings (from which our property taxes are paid). Obviously there are big picture things I want that I don’t buy, like a luxury African safari, but on a daily basis I buy whatever I want or need without really thinking about a budget, and my husband does the same, and it still comes in at what seems like a reasonable percentage of our income (which is definitely not Big Law money or close to it). We are doing well and paying down our mortgage quickly and all that but I just wonder if I am making some big financial mistake by not making and sticking to a strict budget.
FP
I think about this all of the time because my husband and I are the same way with our money (no budget, spend what we want). Generally we are fairly frugal people so I think that helps – it’s not like we book a vacation without really thinking about it first, and we rarely do things like go out to dinner. I’ve kind of accepted the fact that this is what works for us, and as long as you aren’t in some kind of crazy debt beyond mortgage/student loans or whatever, I think you’re doing fine.
Anonymous
Nope. I don’t either. I have a good “can I afford it” Meter and just don’t need to.
anon-oh-no
this is exactly how my husband and I do things, except “savings” is a few different places (401k, true savings, investment accounts etc). it totally works for us, and we have 2 school-aged kids.
Cat
Nope, we don’t either. Like Anon above, husband and I have good “are we within our normal spending habits” meters without really thinking about it — for example if we’ve gone out to dinner twice in one month, we’ll instinctively eat at home more the next month without saying “oh we should probably cut back.”
We do review our spending a few times a year to confirm our instincts, but haven’t yet had any unpleasant surprises, and don’t track day to day at all.
Anonymous
This is what we do, all expenses on the credit card which we pay off each month from our checking account. I know what a normal monthly balance is, and if it’s way high for a reason we didn’t discuss in advance, we have a discussion about it.
We “pay ourselves first” in that X of every paycheck goes into savings, the remainder in checking, which is our “operating budget.” We don’t take money out of savings unless it’s for a major emergency or pre planned expense (>5k). This way as long as checking remains liquid, we are hitting all our savings goals.
Anonymous
I also do track things- i track our net worth month over month (quarter over quarter if I’m busy/lazy).
We save a ton, only because we have a lifestyle that was built on our incomes 2 years ago and we have had a somewhat windfall/streak of luck/perfect storm of promotions and bonuses that has us earning 125% of what we did when we made our lifestyle choices. So that extra 25% goes right to savings with no change to our already comfortable lifestyle. We are just throwing more at retirement/college savings/emergency fund, accelerated our home Reno timeline and started a second house fund.
Walnut
I don’t focus so much on what we spend money on, just that the aggregate spending per month doesn’t exceed about 35% of our take home cash. If we make a big ticket purchase, I usually make an extra effort to eat in more and work through our pantry and freezer stock.
Anon
65% savings of net, that’s impressive.
Anon
Nothing wrong with this if it works for you and you know you’re saving. I did this for my first 5-6 yrs in biglaw in large part bc I KNEW I was maxing out my 401k, not spending nearly what I brought home and thus there was saving even though I couldn’t have told you what it was month to month. I knew I was holding costs down in lots of ways that my peers weren’t — i.e. living in an average $2000 studio rather than a luxury $4000 one bedroom etc.
I think it’s fine to do that, as long as you are thinking about your investment/savings goals from time to time. At some point 5-6 yrs in, I at least started to keep track of what was coming in vs. what was going out so I had some idea of my saving % month to month. I also made some decisions re investing and decided to invest certain %s monthly. Being somewhat budget conscious (even if I wasn’t cutting back) has been helpful for me now — esp. since I took a cut to go to the gov’t — as I know what my longer term investment goals are and am conscious of whether I’m meeting them or not.
Senior Attorney
If you had a budget in which you set aside money for things like travel, maybe you could do the luxury African safari. Seriously.
OP
To be fair, an African safari is not really logistically possible at this point in our lives, so money is not the biggest thing stopping me. We do take a pretty nice luxury vacation every year. I was using the safari more as an example of “I don’t drop $20K on something without thinking through the financial consequences of this decision, but I drop $100 on a dress or $50 on dinner without thinking of a budget or stopping myself from buying something else.” If you told me that I could go on this safari in six months and all I had to do was come up with $20K, believe me I would come up with $20K real fast ;)
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
Yeah, we don’t either. I don’t see the point. My husband and I both have high incomes and are not huge spenders, so we save/pay to student loans about 60% of our net income each month (more or less some months given discretionary spending). I would feel differently if we had to budget carefully to be able to make sure we can pay the bills, but that is not our situation.
Worrywort
Can someone share a happy story of how they made a two-career family work? My lovely, long-term bf is about to move 12 hours away to start grad school at Harvard. I am happy for him, but sad about the distance and so, so worried. My career is not exactly geographically transferable. All I’ve seen are horror stories about how LDRs fall apart in grad school, and I’d love to hear some success stories?
Cat
Yep. Husband and I were in law school at the same time and it was a two-flight trip to visit. We saw each other about once a month for a 4-day weekend, winter break together, plus we each spent spring breaks (unfortunately not the same week for vacationing, but fortunately not the same week for number of days together…) at each other’s places.
The keys to success, in my opinion, are (1) daily communication expectations — we usually talked sometime between 9-10pm every day, and (2) ultimate end goal expectations — making concrete plans to resume life in the same location. Together with (2), if marriage is in your long term goals, it may be time to start discussing it with BF.
Worrywort
Thanks. We’ve been discussing marriage for several months now, so that is the end goal, just not entirely sure when that would happen due to student loans. Thanks for the insight!
Anonymous
We were long-distance (cross-country) for a year while dating and for 2 years during marriage. It works and I know way more LDRs that have worked out than not. Second Cat’s advice. It helps to have a definite end date, which if your BF is planning to move back to your area after grad school, it sounds like you do. Also, one of the best things you can do for your relationship is maintain independent hobbies, career activities, friends, etc., so you’re not fixated on what’s going on in his life. I’ve only seen one LDR of someone I was close to end, and in that case my friend turned into the most paranoid, jealous maniac when her boyfriend moved away to law school. She’d been a great girlfriend (as far as I could tell anyway) when they were dating in person, but as soon as he moved away, she was demanding five phone calls a day, telling him he couldn’t be in study groups with women, asking him to send her a photo of any woman he spoke to, etc. It was totally crazy behavior. Continue to treat him just as I would assume you treat him currently – you guys love each other and love spending time together but also have your own lives – and everything will be fine.
Hollis
Not sure if you are still reading, but I was long-distance from my now DH for 2 years (he was in grad school 1 year and then working in a different state for 1 year) and then we got engaged, he moved to my city, and all has been great for 10+ years. Moving for school is the best because there are so many breaks, including the long summer break where hopefully he can get a job in your city. If things are not working well the first year, you can reassess and see if maybe you can take a break from your job and get a degree from Harvard yourself, or work remotely, or whatever to be together. Grad school is temporary, life is long. Trust that your relationship can survive and become stronger for it.