ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Alice Cocoon Knit Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I used to be hesitant about sweater dresses for work. Even the most sophisticated versions looked a bit too casual for a formal office. But, after the last year and a half, anything that’s not sweatpants seems like formalwear, so I think I’m willing to open my heart to sweater dresses for the office.

This one from Ted Baker is particularly gorgeous, with a blousy top and defined waist. I love the dark purple color pictured here, but the white would also be stunning.

The dress is $260 at Nordstrom (white) and Bloomingdale's (purple) and comes in Ted Baker sizes 1–6 (roughly equivalent to 0–10).

Madewell has a wool-blend sweater dress in sizes 1X–3X for $118 at Nordstrom. (Just try to ignore the hiking boots it's styled with…)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

277 Comments

      1. Okay, good, thanks. Bloomingdale’s is calling this purple, and I was starting to question reality.

    3. Yes, I see it kind of like a chestnut brown, the color of the car we had years ago when we lived in Cold Spring Harbor. Dad used to polish that car when I was young, and he taught me to value his automobile’s because they took us on vacation and to the beach, which I still love to do years later now that I am grown up myself. I do NOT have a car b/c I live in the City, but I love having to go somewhere where I rent a car. I recently went to Westhamton and b/c Myrna was still recovering from IBS, I drove and she directed me! What a change that was!

      Anyway, we loved our time off and I am back a few days earlier b/c the manageing partner still needs me to work and I did not want to wait until the end of the week to return. Happy Monday to the HIVE!

    5. I thought this was just another instance of what I find to be red-purple confusion in the shoe and clothing posts. The posts about red shoes that include purple and vice versa….

    6. As others have said, reddish brown (oxblood?). It’s a great dress, although I find it funny that it’s essentially fit-and-flare in exactly the reverse of the places I would prefer it to be. (I like close fitting bodice and sleeves and then flared through the skirt)

      1. Same comment regarding the fit. Although I know several women who are very busty but slim on bottom, so maybe this would work well for someone with those proportions? Or maybe it would emphasize their shape in all the wrong ways, not sure.

        1. I think it might be a good cut for me. I am not busty but I do have a broad chest and athletic shoulders but I am straight up and down from the waist. Alas, I am not in the market.

        2. Yes, as someone in that category (large bust, small hips), this would not be flattering. I need wider skirts to help balance my top half.

  2. Just wanted to say thank you to all the folks here over the years who have recommended getting out and doing things on a day off when you want to unwind rather than blobbing at home watching Netflix. I always think the latter is going to recharge me, but it doesn’t. Got an amazing mani/pedi/massage yesterday that made a bigger difference in my stress levels than anything else (guess I really had some knots in my shoulders), planning on going on a trip to a new park/neighborhood tmrw, and a matinee later this week.

    1. That’s been my message in particular and I’m so glad it helped you!! That’s why I always post it – seeing it repeatedly over the years from other sources (The Happy Talent blog is one I like) really helped drive it home until it became second nature. Spread the word!

    2. This! Maybe it’s my anxiety speaking but I feel better/more relaxed if I do a more active thing (errand, exercise, chore, etc.) first, and then the relaxing thing in the afternoon/evening. My husband is totally baffled by watching me schedule my days off when we’re at home, but I truly feel like I can better plan/anticipate the enjoyment of my day off if I know I’m going to do yardwork, then shower, then get a pedicure, then make cookies, then watch a stupid movie vs. figuring it out day of (which is when I get sucked into the mindless Netflix scrolling)

      1. +1 to this. Planning is so key. I posted a few months back about having some success with using Sunday nights to make a loose plan for the following weekend. It’s helped so much because it gives me time to get permits, reservations, whatever is needed for the adventures that are so much more enjoyable than the Saturday “uh…what do you want to do today…idk, just hang out?” song-and-dance.

  3. AITA? Two weeks ago, my sister in law and mother threw me a baby shower at my house. My mother in law provided, among other things, rock candy party favors. Almost no one took them and there were about 20 pieces leftover. While we were cleaning up, MIL packed up lots of leftovers that she took with her. She left the rock candy. We threw it out because we have no interest in eating it. Last night she came over and demanded to have the rock candy back. Went apoplectic when she found out I had tossed it. Yelling, crying, absolute meltdown. I told her if she wanted them so badly, she should have taken them with her or at least told me she wanted me to keep them. My position is that if something is left at my house and/or was a gift, it’s mine to do what I want with it. For some context, her “love language” is gift giving and she has hoarding tendencies. Was I unreasonable?

    2. You are not unreasonable, hoarders are. I have an entire set of ILs like this. Live your life without apology, they will do everything they can to force you to live their way.

    3. The question of you being reasonable/unreasonable doesn’t even apply here. If a person is yelling and crying over something like this, then something far bigger is going on. I’d take a huge step back and get a bigger perspective on what’s happening. Is she this unstable normally? Is something happening in her life right now to cause immense stress? Whatever it is, it sounds like something entrenched or big, something that you as a daughter-in-law won’t be able to help her with. So you apologize, accept that she’s totally unreasonable in a way that you won’t be able to make sense of, be kind, and let it go.

      1. I agree with this approach. Something else is going on here, this is not about the Iranian yogurt.

      2. Yelling and carrying on in your house and nobody has died . . . you are NTA.

        Yelling and carrying on re candy might be OK if you were 2 and had no capacity for words or logic and no real ability to manage emotions well under stress. I take it your MIL is not 2. Also, remember that your spouse has emotional custody of his people, so pls let him handle going fwd — if you are pregnant, this will be a regular task for him and he should start training for it.

      3. Agree with this. Yelling is never okay in my book and… over candy? No, this is way beyond the pale.

        I’m sorry you had to deal with this, OP.

    5. 1. She’s being unreasonable.
      2. There are a lot of things I will do in life but picking a fight with a pregnant lady over rock candy is not one of them.

    7. OP here, thank you for the replies. She has an extremely hard time throwing ANYTHING away, even literal garbage. She has a stack of used cardboard Wawa coffee cups in her trunk for instance. I suspect she was very upset yesterday because I threw the items out. She said she would have given them to her sisters (who were at the shower and didn’t take them). I can’t imagine getting so attached to any item, let alone rock candy, so I was having a hard time understanding her position at all. My husband has advised her that she is not welcome at our house until after the baby comes (four weeks away). I think some separation will do us all some good.

      1. “until after the baby comes” — I don’t think you want a tantrumming hoarder visiting when adjusting to a newborn. what happens if she brings over a carful of now-unsafe toys? worn out baby clothes from her kids?

        1. You throw them out. There’s no reason why grandma cannot be trusted to meet the baby with the parents there in their home. Don’t be cruel.

          1. My point was more that the OP sounds like she’s hopeful this was a weird one-off thing and a few weeks’ time will cool down and fix it… but I severely doubt that’s the case. Not to totally withhold the kid, but also not to be all blithely “come on over!” expecting it will be fine.

          2. “what happens if she brings over a carful of now-unsafe toys? worn out baby clothes from her kids?”

            You thank her gracefully, choose a token item or two to keep around and donate/dispose of the rest. If you have the space to store it then throw it all in totes, pack it away and pass it along to the next baby in the family.

            FWIW, I kept and used most of the blankets and some of the clothing from a similar “gift” Thirty year old clothing is sometimes shockingly well constructed. You might be surprised by what could still be used after running it through the wash.

      2. If I were you, I’d encourage your husband to start reading up on hoarders and hoarding. IF this is what’s going on (and it may not be; there may be other issues behind this behavior), you’re going to be dealing with this for a very long time, and you need to learn more so you can understand that this isn’t something where you’ll be able to “understand her position.” If it is hoarding, that behavior is often some form of reaction to a trauma or very difficult emotional issue. The behavior is not something that is going to make sense to you, because it comes from emotion, not reason. I’m sorry for you and your husband, and your MIL. This is difficult to live with, and it’s difficult to have a relative caught in it.

        1. OP here. I’m trying to reply to a lot of comments but can’t figure out how to nest my reply properly. Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Husband’s eyes were recently opened to the extent of the junk problem when MIL was in a fender bender and he spent four hours clearing the junk out of her car so it could be towed. I think it’s hard to accept that your parent has a mental illness. His sister is not a hoarder but loves clutter and buying things and is also conflict avoidant. It’s a difficult family dynamic for sure. I think enforcing boundaries at our house will be our primary method of handling this, as we have no interest in our house becoming a cluttered mess. I think she needs to feel needed, so we will brainstorm ways she can be actually helpful. (Occasionally babysitting is likely though she has some boundary issues so I don’t want to make that a super frequent thing). As far as the 3-4 weeks of no contact, I think a cooling off period will be good. Idk if she’ll do any reflecting but it will hopefully prevent any truly harmful unkind words from being said when emotions are still running high from last night

      3. My FIL is a hoarder. It’s a mental illness. His is related to anxiety and depression, and he’s experienced trauma from real losses and hasn’t recovered from that. That is not an excuse for your MIL to yell at you, especially in your own house, especially when you’re pregnant, and in a few weeks, especially in front of your child. But it has helped me to frame FIL’s hoarding as stemming from a mental illness. He’s 70, he’s tried to address this in therapy, his wife and kids have had numerous discussions with him on how it impacts them, and he’s just not going to change. So I don’t question who’s being reasonable or if I should have done something differently. I accept that he’s acting irrationally and draw the same boundaries with respect to behavior that I would with anyone else. My husband has communicated with him that we will do whatever we please with anything sent to or dropped off at our house or received as a gift. Under no circumstances is FIL permitted to guilt us or our child about how we’ve dealt with our own possessions (including things he’s given us), or the visit will be over. We will not check with him before throwing anything out or regifting it. Basically, I never, ever engage, and DH does so rarely, one-on-one, and out of concern for his dad’s well-being.

        2. I agree that it’s really helpful to think of hoarding as a mental illness and not to engage. I’m not aware of anything that one can do to make someone stop hoarding if they aren’t ready to acknowledge their problem and pursue appropriate help.

          Like other mental illnesses, the consequences can be tragic. All you can control are the boundaries for your own space and own life. Trying to get someone help who doesn’t want it is an exercise in frustration for both of you. It’s far easier and better for the relationship to just work around the hoarding (not visit at their house, tell them you have a small space and can’t have extra things, etc.).

          Keep on doing what you need to do to maintain your own space.

      4. “I can’t imagine getting so attached to any item, let alone rock candy, so I was having a hard time understanding her position at all.” I have a parent who is a hoarder and I just want to point out that you shouldn’t expect rational thinking here. I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but trying to point out the totally rational logic of not hoarding doesn’t help. It’s easier if you come at this with that mindset already. This, of course, is a different issue than the totally outrageous reaction.

        1. The best description I’ve ever heard of a hoarder was this:

          Picture the object most precious to you, the one you would save first in a fire, the object you would mourn for if you lost it.

          Now picture the last piece of paper you threw out. A receipt, a gum wrapper, a clothing tag.

          If you’re a hoarder, these things are equal in value and significance. They don’t throw anything out because choosing what to throw out is impossible. Every item is precious and equal in importance to an heirloom.

          1. Because they are also concrete, the thing is the memory, they don’t have the sense that the memory or person lies within them, to be remembered or thought of as they wish. They are often traumatized people, I agree with the previous poster.

    8. Have you talked to your spouse about this? What is their take? Have you had issues with unwanted gifts in the past and how do you deal with them?

      My mother is a little bit like this. I have to choose my battles. When I first moved away, she filled up two email inboxes (hotmail – I’m an old millennial – and my school account) in under a week
      so I couldn’t get my assignments from my professors; she sent literally hundreds of emails a day of junk. When I bought a house she showed up with a moving truck full of broken antique furniture, rugs, and art that I had no space for and had already told her I didn’t want. Those are the battles that I have to have with her because they are disruptive to my life. Smaller things, though, I let slide in the interest of peace. There is a storage shelf specifically designated for her “gifts” that I don’t want. Those things will come out when she visits because she will pitch a fit if she doesn’t see that ugly vase she got me 17 years ago. In OP’s shoes, I would not have told her I threw away the rock candy; I would lie to her that yes we totally brought it to work and everyone was so thankful for her generosity. Maybe she would still be upset that she can’t get it back but at least she would think it didn’t go to waste and she made a bunch of people super happy.

      1. We have had ongoing problems with her giving us unwanted stuff for years. With the baby it’s gotten worse. We see her once a week or so and she always has a bag of stuff to give. I return most of it but I’m getting tired of spending my free time making returns! I’m also getting tired of the burden of having to pretend to be grateful for her stuff. It’s such a fine line between not being an ungrateful brat, but also not encouraging her to give us more stuff. We told her we are setting up a 529 and we would prefer she contribute to that rather than buy things, but she dismissed that entirely. Last week she dropped off a bag of 3T clothes…our house is 1200 square feet so we just don’t have room to store clothes for the next 3 years. Husband is thankfully on my side here but he tends to be conflict-avoidant. Her yelling at me was a final straw for him though and we will be going no contact for a little while with her

        1. This internet stranger hereby gives you permission to not waste your limited free time on returns. If your husband doesn’t want to handle returns, donate this stuff. Take the tax break. You are not being wasteful by getting junk out of your house as expediently as possible.

        2. Honestly, I wouldn’t waste any more time returning things. Yes, it is more wasteful of her $, but your time has value too and there are plenty of places you could drop off to as a donation who’d be glad to have new things with tags. And, maybe, this is something that your husband could do for you (and to keep the burden of this mom on him, which may be rough, but he can better deal with it if he is very clear on what the behavior is actually resulting in as its recipient).

      2. My mother is eerily similar. She’ll shop the sale racks at any store (Target, Hallmark, Etc) then spend $30 shipping them to me and my sister as “surprise treats”. I used to call and scream at her for wasting her money. I’d make suggestions like sending me a $10 Target gift card if she’s inclined to send something I truly need. Now, I politely thank her and throw everything in the trash. I don’t need an ornament dated 2017 that says “welcome baby girl” when I had a baby boy in 2008. I guess I’m lucky since she is no longer physically able to visit due to health reasons.

        1. Omg yes, she used to mail me boxes of canned food at college. The shipping fee would cost 2-3x as much as the contents. Not to mention it was heavy af and I had to lug it back to my dorm room. I begged her to just send me a grocery store GC if she must send something but she refused. Meanwhile my older brother was giving her money every month to cover her basic living expenses. And he would get mad at me for “mooching” even though I don’t want this stuff! What a cluster.

      3. My mother is exhausting when it comes to presents. I just don’t even bother trying to get her anything she likes. I throw things about because I would rather listen to the ‘sad face puppy eyes’ routine about some random object now, rather than have her fish around for it every single time she comes over for the rest of her life. Don’t even get me started on presents given to me by people she doesn’t like. Not even kidding, I’m starting a BINGO card the next time she comes over. “Cowers before the Wedgwood given to me by Aunt Cindy [whom she has not spoken to since 2009] like a vampire before a cross.” “Refuses to use the toaster that was gifted to me by her ex-husband.” “Complains about the dam vase that I lost ten years ago.”

        1. My in-laws (who have hoarding tendencies) are terrified of toasters. They have one but can’t bring themselves to use it because the toaster will burn down the house! Meanwhile they can’t manage to cook things using their ovens and use their broiler for storage.

      4. My mother-in-law taught my brother-in-law to be this way, which is extra horrifying because he’s significantly younger, so I can’t soothe myself by thinking that I will outlive his bullsh1t.

        The latest fun was when he came over uninvited and saw the dumpster we rented as part of a major renovation, then climbed in and started dragging out the old crappy hardwood and moulding, screaming and crying that we had no right and we couldn’t change anything about our house because we had to leave it the way it was when we bought it.

        If I could go back, I’d move to the other side of the country as soon as we got married.

    9. No, you are NTA.

      Separately, it’s possible she spent a lot of $$ on it and was upset that you just threw it away. Perhaps she spent a lot of money on the shower and felt like she wasn’t thanked/appreciated? Obviously should have used her words and behaved differently–but there is clearly something else going on here.

    11. You are definitely NTA.

      FWIW, I sometimes find it … hard to deal with the “gift giving” love language. It usually seems to come with strings attached.

      1. +1 the gift giving love language is really all about the giver and their emotions, it’s exhausting.

        1. Co-sign. And cue the only acceptable reaction which is fawning all over everything and SQUEEEEEEE and it is exhausting. I am pretty clear that presents are not my love language and having to manufacture a command performance for stuff I don’t want is doubly unwanted to have to conjure up.

          1. The performance is so hard for me, I’m just not good at acting in general, so sometimes the gifter gets mad when my performance isn’t satisfactory. It’s hard to pretend to be excited about something you expressly asked the other party not to do.

      2. This is NOT an example of a love language! Gift giving is one of mine and I NEVER attach strings to gifts I receive nor any I give, assuming the other people receives the same way I do.

        1. I mentioned this because the OP specifically said that her MIL has this tendency, and I have noticed it in others who supposedly love to give gifts. Definitely not everyone falls into this category.

        2. I agree with anon 10:42. My gift giving love language consists of carefully noting things that people like to do over the year and trying to give them something appropriate that I know they would like and use! I always give gift receipts too! And I love hearing that a gift I gave was something they really enjoyed – being thoughtful about giving something the recipient wants is the real love language!

        3. You guys are confusing love languages. Love languages have 2 sides: giving and receiving. There is an extra layer of complexity that must be taken into consideration. How you instinctively give love may not be the same as how you receive love. For instance, you may enjoy giving gifts to others, but you do not enjoy receiving them.

      3. Same. My mom’s love language is gift giving (mine definitely is not) and it gets exhausting to deal with, over time. My mom is one of those people who thinks that if you don’t spend a large amount of time choosing the absolute perfect gift to give someone, what you’re really communicating is that you just don’t care about them. At the same time, she professes to love minimalism and when I’ve tried to give her carefully-selected gifts, she usually ends up donating them. For my own sanity, I have resorted to sending her gift cards to stores or restaurants she likes for occasions – which she deems to be “impersonal.” Since I obviously can’t win, I have quit trying, and that has been very freeing and much less stressful.

        In regards to the “strings attached” part – in my family (not just my immediate nuclear family, my extended family also) there seems to be a whole thing around the idea that if someone gives someone a gift, and the recipient doesn’t want or need the gift, the gift-giver should be asked if they want the gift back rather than the recipient doing what they want with it. Like a gift is never really a gift, because the giver maintains an investment in what happens with the gift. I believe this is some kind of Scotch-Irish Appalachian tradition, according to what I’ve read (and that tracks, because that’s where my family’s ancestors came from). My husband thought this was the literal weirdest thing ever when we got married – in his family, a gift is given, the strings are cut, and that’s it. Me saying “we can’t return that third coffee pot because we need to ask my aunt what she wants us to do with it” was a completely foreign concept to him. This also gets exhausting, as you’re never really sure how or when to get rid of stuff and what kind of emotional fallout it might create, if a gift-giver asks where something is. Not uncommon in my family for someone to give a wedding gift and then years later, ask if someone’s still using the gift because if not, they want it back/would like to give it to their own child, etc. It creates long-lasting relationships of obligation and indebtedness that are not very comfortable.

          1. This is definitely part of Irish-American heritage in my family. It’s partly a vague sense of communal ownership, and partly a heritage of poverty, so you wouldn’t just get rid of something without making sure someone in the family has had a chance to call dibs on it first.

          2. Anon at 1:38, I think this is part of why my MIL won’t throw anything away. She grew up in a large, relatively poor family and thinks nothing should ever go to waste. But what she doesn’t realize is that her act of buying unwanted stuff in the first place is the true waste.

    12. I would have been so tempted to write her a check for the cost of the rock candy, but I think I’m conflict-seeking rather than conflict-avoidant with my in-laws at this point. Mine threw a tantrum when we bought life insurance from a broker instead of having her write policies for us. She was furious, and super offended when my husband actually offered to give her a check to cover the commission she would have made on the policies (it’s not like she would have waived that for us even though they are very very well-off). Bright side? She’s never asked us again even though she knows everything there is to know about insurance for everything.

  4. My husband apparently has feet like a goat and his slippers last 6 months max before falling apart. I hate the waste and the expense. Recommendations? I don’t mind spending on them if I knew they’d last for a bit longer.

    1. Uniqlo slippers are very cheap and very comfortable if you want to reduce the expense, not the waste.

    2. How exactly are they falling apart? Does he split the top, or wear down the sole, etc?

    3. What kind of damage are we talking about – is he walking through the bottoms or does he have razors for toenails?
      I re-buy L.L. Bean slippers for my parents when they get grody, but it takes a solid 3 years or more before they’re ready for new pairs.

      1. Sometimes the bottoms, sometimes the toes poke through the top? The fancy Swedish ones just split down the side. I have the same pair and mine are fine, but I go barefoot more and tend to wear socks when I do wear slippers.

          1. Ah, thanks Pugs. Something like that might work. Now to figure out UK shipping. We’re currently experiencing gas shortages and food supply disruption so I’m trying to figure out presents early.

        2. In Germany my host father wore these (cheap and purchased in Poland) firm leather slippers. They’re not cozy and fluffy but they protect your feet from the floor and last forever. Try LoveSheepPL on etsy

        3. Mine gets the mule styled ones from Muji and they are surprisingly long-lived. (He goes through soles like wild, I think because he stomps his heels when he walks.)

    4. Do they make those shearling Birkenstock’s clogs in men’s sizes? Also weird question but does your husband trim his toenails? Mine wore holes in all his socks due to his gross nails and It was like WTF, who did I marry? He has at least changed his ways.

      1. Mine started seeing a podiatrist and it is SO WORTH IT. He was constantly procrastinating because his nails are super thick and slightly ingrown, so cutting them was painful. The doc’s heavy duty tools and professional technique makes all the difference. No more horrifying dagger toes.

    5. For what it’s worth I find Sainsburys slippers and M&S ones to last about the same amount of time – which now I’m wearing them all the time (yay WFH) is a few months on good condition and then the rest of the year in gradually increasing grodiness

    7. Maybe ABEO? Orthopedic type slippers are sometimes tougher since they have to be to provide the arch support, etc.

    8. I love my Ugg slippers with hard bottoms. I believe there is an equivalent for men. They have lasted at least three years but I believe it has been five years. The insole wore out but it was easy to order a replacement insoles.

      1. I have been wearing these forever and they do last. But a pandemic casualty: one pair has finally worn through at my little toe, after nonstop wear for 18 months. I had replaced the insoles at least three times, so I have zero complaints.

  5. Hello there! I’m looking for a book to give to my grandfather in-law for his 90th birthday. He’s still sharp, active, etc. Im trying to avoid politics because, well… What well-written, delightful and perhaps fun fiction or non-fiction would you recommend? It doesn’t need to have been published recently.

    1. Oh The Uncommon Reader might be a hit. It’s short and lovely. I also bought someone The Color of Time, with photographs over the ages and it is such a nice book to flip through.

    2. If he lives in a retirement community or has a group of retired friends he hangs out with a lot, might he like The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman? Alternatively, Prisoners of Geography has been a massive hit with everyone I’ve given it to

      2. I was going to suggest The Thursday Murder Club (but it does have some people of that age dying, so if he’s sensitive about it, maybe not). But I loved that book so much!

    3. We gave my 86-year-old FIL The Splendid and the Vile, which he very much enjoyed.

      Bonus points if you read the same book and can discuss it with him.

    4. Shadow Divers by Robert Kurson or Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer are my top non-fiction recs. I have darker ones I love too but that probably wouldn’t be “delightful.”

      1. I loved Into Thin Air but I’m not sure I’d call it “delightful” — it was pretty darned dark IMHO!

    5. Is he a sports reader or enjoy stories like that? Boys in the Boat is the story of the ’38 Olympic mens rowing team and really caught my interest, even as someone who has no knowledge of rowing.

      3. As a counterpoint, I read this on the recommendation from here and I found it slow going. It takes a few chapters to get into it, has a lot of characters to remember at the beginning, and I thought it could do with more editing. Did not finish it.

      2. Another vote for Bill Bryson. The Short History of Nearly Everything was a big hit with all of my grandparents one year. They loved Thunderbolt Kid (growing up in the 50s) the next year, and then I got them One Summer (about 1927) a few years later and they were super excited to see his name again.

        1. I love One Summer. Such a cool set of true stories you’d never realize all happened at once!

      1. And she has a new one out! Fuzz: When Nature Breaks the Law. I’m looking forward to it.

    8. I found John Green’s The Anthropocene Reviewed delightful and I’ve never read his YA stuff. My old soul husband recently liked Shane by Jack Schaefer (it’s been called the best Western ever written)– I believe in also comes in some Western anthologies. I could read Jhumpa Lahiri’s story collection The Interpreter of Maladies 100 times.

      1. If he enjoys listening to audiobooks (or if any of you do) I have really enjoyed he Anthropocene Reviewed on audiobook

    9. +1 to Bill Bryson.

      I also just re-read two older bestsellers thanks to them being on the shelf at a beach rental – Into Thin Air and Shadow Divers. Forgot how gripping those were!!

      1. Also, looking over my bookshelf – Eric Larson books (LOVED Dead Wake in particular) and Boys in the Boat and Four Minute Mile.

        1. ha I just went and looked – I swear your comment must have been in mod or I would have +1’d you too!

          Apparently I have the taste of a 90yo man in my reading preferences, which is useful for me to note for seeking recs of my own… I am taking personal notes from this thread :)

    11. Anything by Nathaniel Philbrick — he has a new one out about George Washington, but In the Heart of the Sea (which is about 20 years old now) is excellent. The Last Stand, about Sitting Bull and Custer, is also a good read.

    12. I gave my dad a copy of Humans of New York:Stories a few years back and he loved it.

    13. Unbroken by Hillenbrand. Ditto Into Thin Air.

      Added several titles from this thread onto my reading list!

    14. My grandpa really liked The Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen Aged 83 and 1/4. Absolutely delightful book about an old guy who lives in an assisted living home but really doesn’t much like other old people. He and a group of similarly spry residents create the Old But Not Dead club and go on adventures. I loved it.

  6. I need some shoe/body help. Gave birth in July after a long hospital stay and emergency c section, but feeling pretty good now. My knees however are killling me. Hard to get up and down from sitting , kills to get on the floor with the baby. I need a good walking shoe – I think the kiziks I have been using during pregnancy wore down. I walk the dog typically 2-3 times a day . Would love a shoe I can slip on, but I want good support .

    Also – how can I start helping the knees? I am over weight so I think that may be part of it , although I never had the knee problems before. Ideas for low impact exercise I can start ? I do nothing for exercise right now so starting from zero. I know I also need to diet but I’m breastfeeding right now so I’d rather start on the exercise part first

    1. Strengthening leg muscles in general help with knees. My knee pain got better when I was regularly going to the gym and ballet. I also wore a knee brace from time to time, the kind that’s like a thick, stretchy tube.

      That said, I don’t feel comfortable recommending exercises. Squats are good and easy, but you do need to be sure you’re doing them right. Would it be possible to have a few sessions with a trainer or physical therapist who could teach you some good, safe exercises to try.

    2. Do you have access to a swimming pool? Swimming – and aqua aerobics too – are the best low impact exercise I’ve ever done. I also like low impact Peloton rides when I’m feeling injury-prone.

    3. Birkenstocks. If it’s your first pair get the “soft footbed” ones as they are not as weird feeling at first. My BFF used to be quite heavy and swore by them as a day to day shoe that was kind to her knees and back.

      1. I would try both the soft and regular footbeds to see which you prefer. I cannot stand the soft footbed.

      2. I do way better with Vionics for solid arch support. Only mention in case rolling or arch collapse may be at play (for me, lack of arch support triggers ankle or knee pain as well as “tired” feet),

      3. If you get Birkenstocks with the standard footbed remember you have to break them in – don’t try wearing them for 8 hours the first day. The schedule is 2-4-6-8, number of wearing hours for the first four days.

        I have incredibly fussy feet and Birkenstocks are head and shoulders above Vionics, which I have also worn.

    4. Slip-ons won’t cut it for walking the dog. Go to a specialty running store and get fitted for shoes and insoles. It makes a world of difference. Be sure to replace the shoes and insoles after 300 – 500 miles, closer to the low end of the range if you are on the heavier side. Also wear truly supportive slippers, shoes, or sandals in the house. I am dealing with plantar fasciitis and just ordered some Olukai slippers with great arch support.

      For knee pain, strengthening the surrounding muscles is generally the answer. In your situation I’d consider seeing a doctor (sports medicine or ortho) for a referral to PT for help setting up an exercise regimen. You need to know exactly which exercises will help your particular issue and how to do them properly.

    5. When my knees bothered me, nothing worked for support other than good sneakers. Maybe something like slip-on sketchers could work for you, but I would err on the side of tie shoes if you are really concerned about your knees.

    6. I really like Vionic and the various Comfortiva brands for shoes with support. I have some Vionic slip on sneakers that are great for quick errands that involve walking.

    7. Congrats! Pregnancy really did a number on my joints. I had so many aches and pains for the baby’s first year. It took a while to get my core strength back which I think was a big factor. I would see what you can do post c-section to help – maybe your doctor would know. If your shoes will take insoles, I really like the Vionic active insoles. It may also help to wear supportive slippers around the house, like vionic slippers or birkenstock clogs.

    8. Sounds like you are very deconditioned after the hospital stay and convalescence, so slow & steady is the name of the game. Walking is the best thing you can do, but don’t push yourself toward any particular pace or distance. Just get short bits of time on your feet (provided you’ve been given the all-clear by your doctor), several times per day. As others mentioned, swimming and water aerobics are awesome, too, but you might have to work up to it.
      For shoes, that’s an individual decision. I had to look up the Kiziks and they have no support, just cushioning – the little video clip they had of the model running was painful to watch. I like Brooks Adrenaline, a stability shoe. They might be too much shoe for you once you have a little fitness, but they have excellent stability. Brooks Ariel and Asics Gel-Kayano are the go-to shoes for larger walkers and runners, especially when just starting out. Lots of stability and they can handle people of size without wearing out quickly. If you have large/wide feet, Brooks Beast is the men’s version. For the time being, cute shoes are out while being active… sucks, but it will help.
      This is a great time of year to start moving outdoors more.

      1. I would not select shoes without expert assistance. You need the right type of shoe for your foot structure. For example, wearing stability shoes with high arches can cause problems.

        1. I have high arches that collapse when I’m tired, but not all the time. I wonder if this is why my stability shoes bother me? My feet are totally different at different times of day.

    9. I have a LONG history of knee issues (patello femoral syndrome). I go through periods of good knees (can sit cross legged on the ground, can kneel to look for stuff under the couch) and bad knees (wearing jeans that is tight around my knee hurts me and I need to wear A line skirts).
      I always come back to this – strengthening my leg muscles (thighs especially) using yoga poses (look up “chair pose”) really helps, and when I am falling off the wagon of going for walks and doing yoga is when my knees get really bad. We spent a week in hawaii walking on the beach every day and my knees felt like new.

    10. High stability running shoes are designed for people who are overweight. They have additional structure and I found them to be super helpful with joint pain after recovering from an accident that had me immobile for several months. Go to a running store and get fitted.

  7. Anyone using Hinge noticing a weird bait and switch phenomenon with their premium subscription? When I did not have the premium subscription, I had much higher number of likes and also better quality profiles in the discover section. After I purchased their premium subscription model (which allows for unlimited likes), both the number of likes and the quality of profiles deteriorated drastically. Instead, Hinge moved all the attractive profiles to the rose section so that I would now have to pay to like those profiles. What’s the point of paying a premium subscription if Hinge just keeps playing around with the algorithms to get premium users to pay even more for quality matches?

    1. I didn’t notice this specifically (because I never paid for Hinge due to how awful the unpaid service was for me), but I did notice that the unpaid version of Hinge was awful and it seemed you needed to pay for it in order to get any likes and high quality profiles.

      1. I have the same experience as you, basically no likes or profiles of interest with the free version.

  8. Odd insurance/ medical billing question. I keep getting a bill from my doctor’s office for services last year that should have been, and were, covered by insurance, but the bill keeps rebounding to me with a note ‘not eligible at time of service’. I’ve been back and forth on the phone with the insurer and the doctor’s office, with all the paperwork to indicate that I was covered, and they all seem to agree that I was billed in error – but the bill keeps showing up. It’s very small – less than $200 – but while I can easily pay that and forget about it, not everybody has $200 in pocket change. Would small claims court handle something like this?

    2. Who is the bill coming from? Often times billing will be outsourced and/or old accounts with balances will be outsourced or sold off to chase payment. There’s a blip in the system. Get the billing dept at the provider to confirm no balance is due and zero out your account. If they no longer hold the account, call whomever is sending you the bill and explain.

      FWIW if you pay this, then in about 3 years, you’ll get a refund once all the books settle and are audited. ask me know i know!

    3. Send a certified letter to the doctor’s office stating that based on a conversation on [DATE] with [NAME OF PERSON] at their office, you understand that they have agreed that you have been billed in error and therefore you will not be paying the bill. Keep a copy of it and of the mailing receipt. Then if they ever send you to collections, you’ll have that info.

      You don’t have a claim to address in small claims right now because you don’t have any damages, just annoyance.

    4. What state are you in? Do you have your EOB documentation? Is the bill marked as a “balance bill”? There are lots of remedies, but you definitely want to resolve it and make sure they don’t hurt your credit.

    6. It’s likely that you’re getting caught up in an error being compounded by automation: The bill goes to the insurance company, who continues to deny it saying you were not eligible at the time (even though you were), and the doctor’s billing system automatically flips it to self-pay, sending you a statement.

      If you have the energy for it, call the insurance company again and ask for a supervisor. Explain the situation again and ask if they can manually reprocess the claim. If they say yes, document it, and get a reference number for the call and the name of the supervisor. Then call the doctor’s office and share the information. Ask that they suppress statements on that claim if it comes back to them. Again, document the call. After that, ignore it unless you get a collections notice, at which point you share the documented information and ask them to write it off.

    7. The same thing happened to me a few years ago, for a much larger amount because it was a hospital procedure. But I think it’s the same issue as in, the hospital uses a third-party billing company and their system has a glitch that no one cared to fix. I went back and forth to confirm with both the hospital and the billing company that yes, my balance should be zero. But I was still getting the same bill sent to me, along with collection threats. What made it worse was that I got calls from a collection agency that turned out to be calling the wrong person, but it gave me so much stress in the meanwhile! I eventually wrote a very strongly worded message that there will be legal actions (it was not an empty threat, I had an attorney family friend specialized in consumer laws) and they finally sorted their system out.

  9. What time do you wake up? What time do you start home, both in terms of WFH and if you’re going into the office?

    1. I wake up at 4:30 if I’m going to the office, or at 6:00 if I’m WFH. I start at 6:30.

      1. Is that a standard time or is that you being especially early so you can finish in the early afternoon/ work with people on the opposite coast?! That is mind bogglingly early to me.

        1. I’m in EST. I have a tech-adjacent role working closely with APAC, a 12-hour time difference. It’s a slight inconvenience for me, and a slight inconvenience for them. My crack-of-dawn Teams meeting is usually held at their supper tables.

        2. Before the pandemic, I was in the office by 6:30 am. I am a morning person and would prefer to start early and end early and it gave the EMEA team some time with me before NA woke up.

    3. Going to the office: 5:15-5:25 a.m. so I can work out first. WFH day: More like 6:00. But I have kids, one of whom has an early start some days for before-school activities, so I need to be up and moving regardless.

    4. Wake up at 6:30, WFH, sit down at 7:30 after taking my time with coffee, reading the news, etc. I used to wake up at 5:45, mad rush to get everything ready, 70-minute commute minimum, hoped to make it to my desk by 8. This is so much better.

    5. I’m WFH, I’m not a morning person and I’m also extremely low maintenance. So I wake up at 8:30 and start at 8:45-9:00. I basically roll out of bed, get dressed and sit at my computer, lol. No elaborate hair or makeup, and I shower at night. I also set out my outfit the night before so I don’t have to think about it in the morning. I’ll have breakfast later in the morning (like around 10 when I take a break).

      It goes without saying that I don’t have children or pets to worry about!

    6. I wake up around 6 (ideally it would be 5:30) on in-office days. In the office at 8 with a short commute but school and daycare dropoff.

      WFH, I wake up around 6:30 and still have to do the school and daycare dropoffs but am usually working 7-7:30 and then by 8.

    7. WFH and office: 4:15 am (gym at 5:00 am) and between 7:00 – 8:00 am meeting schedule dependent.

    8. I wake up at 6:15 every day regardless (my kids have an early school start time). We leave for school at 7:30. I start work around 8 with wfh, but it was closer to 8:45 when I commuted in. If I wfh, I leave at 5 or 5:30 to pick them up, depending on practice schedules. Back when I was in the office, I had to leave at 4:30 to pick them up in time, and then usually signed in for another hour or two after dinner/ bedtime to finish up. I try to go to bed by 11 most nights.

      7 hours sleep
      1 hour get ready
      8-5 wfh (9 hours)
      8:45-4:30/ 8pm-10pm in office and home (9-10 hours)

    9. Wow, you all are early risers. WFH, my schedule is frequently dictated by meetings/deadlines, but I tend to get up at 7am. Log off is anywhere between 4-8pm depending on what’s going on, but tends to be around 4:30pm if no late meetings/urgent deadlines the next day. When I was going into the office, it really varied b/c I hated my commute and would leave as late as possible depending on my first meeting, which tend to range from 7-9:30am.

    10. So I’ll chime in with a radically different answer ? I am not a morning person and my flexible “we don’t care what your hours are so long as you get the work done” job doesn’t require me to be. When I used to go into the office, I’d aim to be in around 10-10:15; I log on at the same time now. I wake up around 7:30 in either case – I’d just rush around more to make it to the office by 10, now I get to take my time.

      1. Yep. WFH I generally log on between 8 and 8:30. Going to the office, I’d usually get in around 9, maybe a little before. And I was among the first people there.

    11. I get up at 4:00 AM every morning, regardless of whether I am going into the office, WFH, or holiday/weekend. The second that I alter my sleep pattern even by 15 minutes, it takes forever to get it back! Plus, I get more done before the world, or more specifically my household gets up, than I otherwise could all day.

    12. I get up at 6 pretty much always, and try to work the same schedule on WFH and office days (before COVID, I WFH about twice a week, now it’s all I do).

    13. I am very much a night owl, not a morning person (i usually don’t go to sleep until between midnight-1 am). I’m partially WFH, partially in the office. On WFH days, I get about 8:20 and start work by 9. In the office days, I get up between 7:30-8 depending on what time my first meeting is and am in my office between 9-9:30.

    15. WFH: 7:40 wakeup, start truly working (vs. emails on phone) at 9.
      In Office: 6:45 wakeup, arrive at work between 8:45-9am. Commute is <10min by car.

    16. 9 am wake up, straight to work (WFH). I am a true night owl, and for my natural rhythms even this is early.

      1. Thank you for this. I was beginning to feel like such a slug reading about all the early risers. I swear I would get nosebleeds if I had to get up at 4 or 5 AM every day.

    17. WFH – I get up at 7:20am and start work anytime between 8:30 and 9am (I have a toddler to get up, dressed, and fed and I typically do some small chores like empty the dishwasher).

      Office – I’m not exactly sure since I haven’t tried it (supposedly go back in two weeks) but I think I’ll have to get up at 6:30am to be able to leave the house at 8:15am to be at the office between 8:45 and 9am depending on traffic. I have to do all the same tasks, and have to look more presentable for the office so it will take a bit longer.

    18. Very different than most others – I sleep in until around 8, leave home for daycare drop off around 8:30 (DH gets kiddo ready while I get myself ready) and am home shortly after 9. I am obviously not a morning person and am so very glad we lucked out with a kid who sleeps in.

  10. Let’s talk body image. I thought I was magically supposed to stop caring in my early 40s, but that has not been the case. I still don’t like the parts that I’ve never liked, and now I’m dealing with noticing signs of aging. It is undoubtedly harder both to maintain my weight OR to lose it if I want to. (Do I even want to? IDK. I loathe being in weight-loss mode.) I look in the mirror and look ok enough, but I am not a small woman and it has always bugged me. Buying pants is such an exercise in frustration; my proportions do not fit the mold. It feels like the only options are to be slender, or to proudly rock a plus-sized figure. Where do the rest of us fit? Yes, I can walk into a store and usually find my size, but I still have fit issues that my slimmer friends don’t seem to have.

    This is completely a mental issue. I exercise five days a week and while my diet isn’t perfect by any means, it’s not awful, either. I’m healthy. But I still don’t feel comfortable in my skin. This is so deeply ingrained that I don’t know if it’s even possible. I’ve felt “wrong” since I was 9 or 10 years old and noticed that my legs were bigger than my friends’ lanky limbs. Then puberty came, and I quickly surpassed my mom and maternal grandmother in both height and weight, which really messed with my head because adults were constantly pointing it out (or it felt that way, at least). I have two sisters. One is built really slim like my mom and has zero body issues; the other sister is built more like me. We resent the he!! out of the adults who felt it necessary to point out that we weren’t like our mom.

    I feel un-fixable and feel a lot of shame that I’m holding onto all of this well into middle age. I’ve looked into online resources, but I haven’t found many that resonate. Is therapy really the only way forward?

    1. Therapy and body neutrality (NOT body positivity). It felt like toxic positivity to me to be told I should “love” my cellulite and disability and flaws, but it works far better for me to neutrally accept them. Then I can focus on what my body can do, not on how it looks.

      1. Body positivity has never felt achievable to me. The combination of body neutrality and health at every size–which to me, means treating my body with care and respect regardless of my emotional response to it on any given day–I can do.

        OP, I’m sorry that the adults in your life discussed your body the way that they did when you were growing up. That’s hurtful and wrong, and I think is something that a therapist could help you unpack.

        1. + I. I read the body neutrality and health at any size materials I could find on line, and it really helped. Also, the BMI chart is B.S., the basis for it was a survey of a bunch of those bird boned European men from back in the day. When I was competing in gymnastics I was still off the chart.

    2. Yes. And why is therapy to help you get past an issue that has consumed most of your life a bad thing?

    3. I think a political critique does help – why are women in our society taught to hate their bodies? Why is the “right” body always the hard one to achieve? (i.e. plump during eras of food shortages and thin during periods of unhealthy food offering excess). I have my answers, but you have to find yours. I don’t think it will do it, but I do think it helps — your self- hatred isn’t an individual failure and it’s hard to address thinking of it as such.

      1. +1, also specifically a feminist critique. Why am I supposed to spend all this time, effort and money to look a certain way, when my male counterparts basically just have to shower and brush their teeth? Why is having a 15-year-old’s body the ideal for an adult woman, but ridiculous for an adult man? What else could women be doing with their time and money? I’d rather look old and dumpy than be scammed out of a full life by the patriarchy.

        1. Actual answer: suits were designed to make a broad array of male bodies, especially middle-aged and slightly paunchy male bodies, look good.

      2. I had this conversation with my daughter yesterday. She is in her early 20s and is a proportional weight for her height (tall), and she is strong/athletic. I think she looks amazing and that she should be proud of her strong, capable body. But she feels bad about it because she is bigger and curvier than her friends.

        She was looking at pictures of herself as a teenager when she was still in the coltish stage and feeling down on herself that she doesn’t still look that way.

        It makes me so angry that society tells us that having the body of a teenager (which is just a phase for most of us) is the perfect way to be and that having a womanly body isn’t. I believe the top search term for p0rn is still “teen” which is so disgusting when you think about it, and certainly fashion models are expected to be built like teenagers, or often are teenagers. France had to institute a minimum BMI for runway models it had gotten so bad.

        I don’t have the answers but to OP, we are all held to impossible ideals. I agree with others that acceptance is the road to take, but I don’t want you to feel alone in this. It’s a struggle for us all.

    4. There’s body neutrality out there. For me, the best thing I ever did was stop caring about the size on the tag of pants and buying “up” from what I thought I “should” wear and could technically fit into. Once my clothes just zipped on up, I was able to stop obsessing. I now put my energy into other things I can control more easily – my hair, skin, etc. and generally feel pretty good. I’ll never be a skinny teenager and that’s okay.

    5. It has helped me to follow “mid size” fashion accounts on Instagram. You can start with alexlight_ldn, victoriagarrick, wardrobe_oxygen, katiesturino, and karsoncamielle. It helps to see fashion at all shapes and sizes and without the flat stomach of so many plus size models. I especially like Katie Sturino’s “super size the look” where she recreates celeb’s outfits in an XL size. It really does help to think about how good she looks, and think through why I think I can’t look that way. Yes my body is different than hers but what is it that’s making both of them look good? Sometimes it’s the color, sometimes the proportions, etc, and then I try to look for that in my own outfits.

      I hear so often that the key is to tailor every single thing you buy, but that’s hard to make that investment when I don’t know how much use I’ll get out of the clothes – most of my jeans/ pants get holes in the thighs within a season or two. I have yet to find a shirt that I love enough to buy multiples of or get tailored – I have a large chest and a bit of a stomach so it’s hard to find items that stay professional and make me feel good. So I haven’t gone the tailoring route yet. Maybe when I win the lottery.

      1. Have you looked into tailoring through a dry cleaning business? Basic alterations through my cleaners like taking in waists or hemming tend to be $15-$30.

    6. Therapy and a few thoughts: a lot of women HATE their bodies. They hate their bodies so much that they think it’s normal to hate your body, and they will fight women who don’t hate their bodies – in their world, the women who don’t hate their bodies are the freak shows who need to be corrected. So yeah, there’s a LOT of pressure to hate your body.

      One of the ways to love your body is to love it as an action, not a feeling. Exercise, healthy and delicious food, a massage if you can afford it, a luxurious bath now and then – that’s loving your body.

      Remember that the average woman in America is a size 14, most of whom find romantic partners who think they are sexy as hell.

      1. Re your last sentence, I grew up with a large non-white immigrant population and loved that it seemed that non-skinny women’s shapes were celebrated locally in overheard conversations and seeing women of all shapes dressing up and going out (while what I saw on TV was that skinny was the only body shape to have). All shapes should be OK to have and should be celebrated.

    7. I hear you completely as someone that is firmly in works out a lot, but is not super slender camp. A few things that help me. It sounds silly, but… buying clothes that aren’t in US sizes. Honestly, I’m just not sentimentally attached to what size I am in Italian or UK sizes and then, tend to buy the right size. Also, focuses on what I can do now that I didn’t have the strength to do when I was a smaller size. Oh all things, I had a huge moment of body acceptance halfway through a major DIY project when I realized that 5 years ago there was no way I had the strength to knock the project out (quite literally). Finally, think about functional goals with working out, rather than weight loss – do you want to run a certain mile time/distance, do a pull up, etc. Sometimes you just need a goal to get out of a rut – especially as so many races and other events have been missing in after times.

    8. Reading more resources that push back against the accepted narrative that leads us to hating our bodies has helped me reframe my mindset SO much. A few I’ve recently enjoyed:
      The F*ck It Diet, by Caroline Dooner
      What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat, by Aubrey Gordon
      Louise Green (Big Fit Girl) on Instagram – trainer/athlete who upends the “fit = thin” myth

    9. Have you critically analyzed the media that you consume? Do you buy women’s magazines at all? This was the biggest factor for me. Not regularly being confronted by body-talk, diet-talk, ways to make myself look better, has been the most important thing for me. The source could be celebrity gossip shows or it could be that diet and body talk is big among your colleagues or friends?
      NB: My elderly neighbor has been decluttering her house and gave me a women’s magazine from the sixties, for a laugh. The whole magazine had one single mention of dieting, which was a half page ad for a weight loss program. The rest was cooking and decorating recipes, travel tips and lots of cigarette ads.
      If you do ok with snarky woke talk, the Maintenance Phase podcast might be an entertaining way for you to dive into the systemic ways that society fat-shames us, and how companies that benefit financially from perpetual pressures to diet, are at the root of upholding these narratives (such as, simply changing which BMI counts as overweight, so that insurance will cover weight loss medication for more patients). Seeing how it’s a very big and lucrative operation to keep people unhappy with their weight, might help with that shame you feel. This is so much bigger than the individual.
      But therapy could also be worthwhile! Many ways to tackle this problem.

      1. +1 million. I quit reading all women’s magazines about 10 years ago. After I quit I realized just how detrimental they were to my body image and my overall happiness. Two things to remember: all content in the magazine is advertising. And, they sell you on being insecure so you will buy products to ease your insecurity. There is no other reason why those magazines exist. Cutting out reading women’s magazines was a great first step for me towards freeing myself from media manipulation about how my body is “supposed” to look.

    10. 1. Pants, especially dress pants, don’t fit anyone off the rack regardless of size or shape. I am a size 2, but an athletic size 2 and not a skinny one, and I still have to try on 10 pairs of jeans to find one that’s flattering and I need all dress pants, pencil skirts, and sheath dresses tailored. A few years ago I decided that my dress pants did not spark joy even with the tailoring and got rid of them all.
      2. It sounds as if you are ashamed of wishing for different body more than you are actually ashamed of your own body. To be a good middle-aged feminist, the world tells you, you are supposed to “accept” your body and “love your curves.” Guess what? You are allowed to want what you want and like what you like. You are not obligated to beat yourself up over wishing that you could find pants that fit (even though that is an objectively unreasonable wish for anyone to have because pants are awful; see above). I have written about this before, but I’m 5’6″ and my self-image is 5’9″. I practice good posture, wear high heels, carry myself like a tall person, and refuse to apologize for it. Your feelings are yours, and no one should try to make you feel guilty for having them. It’s fine to wistfully think “if only I didn’t have that cellulite” once in a while. Then you can let it go and move on to the next thought (like “I can do 10 pull-ups!”) instead of wasting mental energy beating yourself up for being shallow and not loving your body.
      3. Agree with the suggestion below to focus on functional goals. It’s a good feeling to think about all the awesome things your body can do when you treat it right with exercise and healthy fuel, as you are already doing.

    11. I could have (and nearly did several days this week) written this. Same age, healthy and fit, work out five days a week, but constantly feel frustrated and disappointed in my own skin. I have more of a stomach than I’d like and my proportions don’t work in most pants or dresses. Many of the posters above gave great advice. I definitely think I feel worse when I’m wearing ill-fitting, tight clothes that don’t breathe. Realizing mom jeans with zero stretch hit me at my biggest point and offer no give throughout the day was freeing—I don’t have to wear them!

      Instead of feeling sad about it, it helps me (a bit) to get mad! I am healthy and in great shape and yet I STILL feel like I’m not enough? Time to blame the system that’s set me up to feel like I’m constantly failing instead of taking it all on myself. It makes me realize just how much media I’ve internalized without even reading it.

      All that said — I hear you and I’m sorry you feel this way.

    12. It’s like you’re telling my life story. I am so sorry you’re struggling.
      I am 6 inches taller than my mom and wear a size 10 (ish). She weighed 117 when she checked into the hospital to give birth to me. She’s still a little birdlike old lady and I am decidedly medium sized, but spent my formative years thinking I was a Sasquatch.

      I only shop for pants in a few places that work for me because I find that I delve into a terrible spiral of self loathing when I try on too many. My favorite pants are from White House Black Market. (I feel like everything else there looks a little like a desperate 40something divorcee who is trying too hard, and as a 40something divorcee, I don’t want to project that). But, the pants fit really well, have lots of grown up machine washable options and are generally always on sale. I also really like a brand that an acquaintance sells via parties, Cabi. The consistently fit, don’t bind and are grown up without being frumpy.

      Pre-covid, I was the queen of the sheath dress, but now it seems like too much. I am struggling with what my back to work wardrobe should really be as well.

      Again, I am sorry you’re having a hard time. You aren’t alone, but it still sucks.

  11. In the realm of back to work questions – what’s your favorite hairstyle to let your hair dry in?

    I like to swim before work, and I don’t want to blow dry my hair every day. It’s straight, fairly long, and does dry quickly but maybe a bit damp. I have about a 30-45 minute commute between the gym and office. I’ve always found half a half up braid covers a lot of sins (oily, wet), but ny hair dries slower in a braid than not. My office is fairly business casual so I don’t have to worry as much as big law about being 10000% polished

    1. I find that doing a 30% blowdry (so hair is still damp) the best compromise here, then pulling everything into a neat low bun. The 30% makes my hair just dry & voluminous enough that it doesn’t look like “oh here’s Cat with wet hair.”

      I was not graced with hair that air-dries loose – it’s like two-thirds straight and one-third wavy depending on which part of my head it grows out of.

      1. Oh this is a great idea! Once my hair is at least not sopping wet it dries well by itself, so this would definitely work. I could also put it into a bun for the train and then open it at the office, so it’ll give it some shape or curl or whatever.
        Any products that you would suggest with this? I tried a curl cream today and while it worked great on the making-curls front it made my damp hair so sticky that pulling it into a braid was not really possible.

      2. +1, 30% blow dry is my life. Alternatively, I twist top pieces back with bobby pins, then do a bun.

    2. Can you do the commute with loose hair and then deal with it when you get to the office?

    3. A low bun secured with bobby pins (dries much better than a bun with a hair tie), a chignon, or Gibson tuck.

    4. I had a 30-45 minute car commute for several years and my hair dried sufficiently in that time that it looked presentable by the time I got to work. The key for me was to embrace the small amount of waviness my hair has naturally. I sometimes did finger twists of sections to encourage the curl pattern, sometimes didn’t. But the key was to let it dry as it was, then not touch it again.

    5. I will admit that sometimes I wind the windows in my car down and let the wind blow dry my hair for me. I comb it when I get there.

    6. I do not do this, but I have a coworker with straight shoulder length hair who takes a few of those velcro curlers and puts her hair in them post-shower and for her trip back to office, then takes them out. It speeds up the air-drying by allowing more air and gives a bit of body.

  12. I need advice on how to be a supportive long distance friend to someone going through divorce, particularly when it is kind of like watching a train wreck of her own making.
    Friend should never have gotten married in the first place, admitted to us on her wedding night that she didn’t love the guy but was looking for security. Ten years later, she wants a divorce, but they have three kids (the third one was a very much planned baby that she wanted even though she had been saying for years that she didn’t want to stay with Husband). And now she’s having an emotional affair with the au pair, which Husband knows about, but she won’t ask the au pair to leave because they need the childcare and she says the Husband was okay with it. But Husband is clearly not okay with it. It’s just a mess, and my well of empathy is pretty much tapped because I can’t find a way to be okay with these choices she is making. They are in counseling, not sure why they haven’t already filed for divorce yet. She is independently successful so it can’t be the money. My guess is that she is holding out until she can get him to agree to give her full custody of the kids.
    We’ve been friends a very long time and she doesn’t have a lot of other friends and I know that she feels really lonely. I feel bad for her, I want her to find peace and a new life, but I can’t think of what to say to her.
    I guess this turned into a bit of a rant/vent, but I do genuinely want to know how to be supportive for someone going through divorce.

    1. I’m not okay with having friends that don’t share my values, and infidelity is a huge giant deal to me. I would not be friends with this person anymore.

      1. Yep. I took a break from a long-time friend because she was making choices that I could absolutely not support. We made our way back to each other eventually and are better than ever now, but during her tumultuous period, I could not be supportive and I did not have any interest in faking it for her supposed benefit.

        1. This long game view of friendship is really heartening. Thanks.
          Thing is we had a falling out after the wedding because of her reasons for getting married, so I feel like we’ve already worked our way back into each other’s life once… and I feel bad for not wanting to be there for her once again.

    2. Tough love here, but your support belongs with the DH and kids, not her. She’s making terrible choices, and that has consequences. You’re already tapped out.

    3. I’d probably say it’s a very serious situation, I feel out of my depth as a friend, and suggest she start individual therapy.

    4. What kind of support is she looking for from you? If she wants to endlessly complain about the mess she’s made, then it’s totally fair to tell her you’re not available for that. Maybe you can find some girl time type activity to do from a distance – watch a show, read a book, do a craft? I would focus on adding something positive to both your lives and avoid feeding into the negativity she’s created. If she’s not willing to engage with you in that way then perhaps she’s not actually much of a friend.

      1. Oh this is a good idea.
        I think she wants me to tell her that she is not to blame for her husband being mad and mean and to laugh at her adventures in online dating. (another thing I find hard to deal with- she’s not even separated and she’s going on dates, but it’s okay because her husband knows about it. I worry that this is going to come back to bite her when they actually start divorce proceedings…)
        Finding positive connections might be good. It does feels disingenuous to not talk about her marital mess, and pretend everything is fine, but maybe that’s what is best for the friendship.

    5. Well that’s a twist on the usual au pair situation. I agree with the others that it’s above your pay grade as a friend, and a long distance one at that, I’d keep encouraging your friend to get individual therapy and marriage therapy if it’s not too late for that. If she’s already in therapy, then deferring to her therapist is ok.

      1. She won’t get individual therapy. I wish she would because their couples’ counselor seems more interested in them staying together than helping them move forward with separation.
        I like the idea of something being above my friend pay grade.

  13. Soliciting career advice. I was counseled out of a large firm at the beginning of 2021. The main issue was I wanted lower billable hours for lower pay, and they wanted the opposite. I left for a firm with a lower hours requirement. Unfortunately, the group I joined was a bad fit- a butts-in-seats environment when I had been assured flexibility to WFH as needed (essential for me because of a chronic health issue). Also, the workflow resulted in me working way more hours than at the prior firm, but with very lackluster billable hours to show for it. I requested an ADA accommodation to WFH as needed, and was fired without warning shortly after. I am not considering pursuing a wrongful termination claim or anything like that. My problem is I don’t know what to tell potential employers during interviews about this situation. I am not sure what my prior firms will say my reason for leaving/termination was, what if there is an unintentional mismatch? I don’t intend to misrepresent the situation, but explaining would require several interview faux-pas. I am going to be much more careful in vetting potential employers.

    1. I don’t understand why you aren’t suing? Firing someone right after they file for a reasonable accommodation seems…. Obviously wrong

      1. +1. If you’re not suing to protect their feelings or something, that is not a good way to go. I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope you can consult a lawyer soon.

    2. “I found that, especially with the Pandemic, I really needed more flexibility to work remotely when needed.”

      I think to in law, you need to look for express PT positions or bring up something like a 75% FTE position asap otherwise there could be problems going forward.

      1. The problem is this is a lie since she was fired. Agree you need to get a lawyer ASAP. Asking for an accommodation and being fired shortly after is great on paper. Get a good lawyer , get a settlement and get it changed to a resignation

    3. Hire an attorney to work with the firm to change the firing into a resignation/layoff. Look for remote jobs and consider Axiom, Hire Counsel, MLA. When you interview, say that you wanted lower hours/lower pay, and the firm promising that was a bad fit.

    4. First, hugs. I’m in a similar boat and want to send you some positive energy. Second, there is a middle ground between pursuing a claim in litigation and negotiating for more time/voluntary resignation. A lot of people, lawyers included, think litigation is not viable, and so will not even bother consulting an employment lawyer. In the vast majority of cases, hiring an employment plaintiff side lawyer will result in settlements that buy you more time, not litigation. Plaintiff side law firms in NYC also have free phone lines where you can describe your situation. Check out the firms in band 1 and 2 listed here: https://chambers.com/legal-rankings/labor-employment-mainly-plaintiffs-new-york-5:1983:12806:1

      Finally, I don’t think it’s misrepresentation if you say that it was a bad fit. Getting your employer to agree to change your termination from layoff to voluntary resignation is the most important thing though, as that will affect back checks for every job you have down the road.

      If you employer refuses to do the above, consider leaving your employer an anonymous review on Glassdoor or Top Law School forum so you can warn other people.

  14. Can someone recommend a gift amount for a bat mitzvah? They are only having the service, not the party, and we aren’t going since it’s inside (unvaccinated kids). We are pretty good friends with them. This is in NH. TIA!

    1. you want multiples of $18. I’d say $108 but it would depend a little on how close you are. if it’s your kid’s friend and you’re skipping, then more like $54. If it’s a family friend I’d go closer to $100.

        1. That’s the neighborhood of an aunt/uncle- if that’s your ballpark relationship then sure!

    4. i have no idea the amount there, but generally multiples of 18 are very very popular for jewish lifecycle events because 18 signifies ‘life’ in judaism. so like 72, 180 etc.

    5. I don’t think you need to give more than $50. If there were a party, obviously you would need to cover the cost to attend for each of your family.members (so if three of you went, and it was a very elaborate event, perhaps 450 plus the 50 or maybe even 100 or 150 since clearly the expectations of someone who throws an extravagant event to appear wealthy, or because they actually are wealthy and want to make that clear, even though the expectation is for the guests to pay, are higher and you don’t want to appear to be of a different social strata). If they were throwing cake and ice cream, perhaps 100 plus the 50. But here, since they are not having a party for you to pay for, just the $50 should give you social cover.

      1. What? Have you ever been to a bar or bat mitzvah? This is terrible advice and not true at all.

      2. That’s so funny — I know “cover your plate” is a thing in the East but it’s just not a thing at all in my circles out here in So Cal.

        1. SoCal native transplanted to the East Coast here. The first time I heard this phrase with respect to a wedding I was horrified. You are asking me to spend my scarce money and time to travel to your wedding and attend a whole weekend’s worth of bridezilla events, and then you want to compel me to pay cash for a dinner I wouldn’t otherwise have chosen? It’s gross and entitled. I don’t give cash to peers, only to the younger generation. For peers I give something off the registry that is of a set value no matter how expensive the reception was, or if they don’t have a registry I will do a charity donation.

        2. Not a thing in my circles either, and I live in the northeast!

          Though I have never been to a bat or bar mitzvah, so maybe it is more common for those?

      3. Honestly I think it would be strange to give $450 to cover your plate plus a $50 gift. I’ve never heard of doing that and I’m from the Northeast.

        1. +1 my relatives had very very fancy NYC bat mitzvahs and most people gave them $100-200 in cash as a gift. “Covering the plate” would have been north of $1k per person (these events were insane) and obviously no one gave that much. Note that there 500+ guests so even with every guest giving ~$100, the kids cleaned up.

  15. Talk to me about traveling for older adults – early and late 70s – when one person is go-go-go and the other is much more needing/wanting to be sitting down for much of the time and then the go-go-go person starts getting worried about the other person/not wanting to wear them out and then they both basically just sit in a hotel the whole time (like not even sitting in a cafe watching the world, more like let’s just stay in). The go go go person doesn’t enjoy this (and wouldn’t enjoy this even in a fancy luxury hotel) but feels compelled and the other spouse will never say oh you go shopping/touring for a while, let’s meet up in 2 hours. Is this why people go on cruises? Are there any alternatives to cruises? They are very against cruises even pre pandemic – just the idea of being on a boat etc.

    1. Group tours that cater to that age range. Then Go Go can join the more adventurous outing with others while Sit either has a lower-key day (a bus tour rather than walking?) or hangs back. My grandparents did a lot of Tauck tours in their 70s and 80s.

    2. Consider tour groups that allow the go go go person to find someone else to do things with and company for the person who stays behind. My parents have enjoyed trips sponsored by my mother’s alma mater because it ensures that my.mother can find someone who is up to her standards to take the extra excursions with.

    3. Honestly it sounds like those people shouldn’t be travelling, at least not together.

    4. Cruises are really good for this, but since they don’t like cruises what about a resort? The low key person could park themselves at the spa or pool all day and the more active person could go on excursions. If the low key person is resentful of the other spouse going out without them, that’s a relationship problem more than a travel problem.

      Consider also that the more active person could travel without their spouse. My mom is more active than my dad so we’ve done several multi-gen trips with me, my mom and my kid and we have a trip just me and my mom planned for the spring – can’t wait.

    5. This is not exactly the same thing, but in the Before Time we would go on cycling tours and it quickly became apparent that I was just not up to the level of cycling that was involved. So Hubby would do his cycling and I would hang out in town or ride in the van with the guide and it was fine. It was great although it did require both of us to use our words, which sounds like it’s not happening in your situation.

      So: Go-go person has to open their mouth and say “I am going to do XYZ thing and I will meet you at ABC time” and not wait for other spouse to offer that scenario.

      And yes, group tours are good for helping this process along and will also provide them both with company.

  16. Ugh, Chris Cuomo is gross now, just like his brother. Why do these misogynist dudes get to make so much money and get so much airtime when there are non-misogynist guys who would love to have their own show!?!? (Rant over)

  17. Is anyone else here closely following the Theranos trial? How much time do you think she’ll get? My guess is that she’ll get some prison time, but nothing close to 20 years. Probably something like 4 or 5, and getting out in 2 years for time served. With her blond hair, blue eyes (see Martha Stewart) and the Stanford-affiliation (see Brock Turner), people want to like her and aren’t going to punish her that harshly, even though she stole (yes stealing is what I call it when she was flying around on private jets and buying $2,000 jewelry using investors’ money) a ton of money and put many people in anguish over false lab results and she’s just a lying psychopath. Her ex- Sunny Balwani was more concerned about trying to make their actual technology work, but his jurors are going to skewer him (see brown man) and he’s going to be punished for both of their actions.

    1. Ok what? None of this has happened and you’re currently just making up racist scenarios.

      1. Obviously nothing has happened yet – OP is asking for speculation. But if you don’t think race has anything to do with jury decisions, then you must not be in the legal profession.

    2. Following, but not closely (I blame the Murdaughs).

      It is interesting to me that her hair is now a very different texture. And not sure how she lands a very rich husband amid all of this? Also, I recently heard her voice for the first time (I guess I read the paper primarily) and I had heard that it was deep but OMFG I was not prepared for that.

      If I were Sunny, I’d be very worried. I hope he has a good and likeable-by-a-jury lawyer.

      1. She clearly faked the deep voice (according to her Stanford professor, she sounded normal as a female college student). I was thinking she might change it now to sound more normal, but they might replay her SEC testimony and there would be a stark difference. Maybe after awhile, someone can permanently use a deeper voice and it becomes normal?

        1. Could she have been faking as a college student? (College students fake “feminine” voices a lot.)

          2. Her deep voice sounds so fake/strained. She doesn’t talk like a normal person with a deep voice.

        2. Her “new” voice is fascinating to me. How does she keep it up all the time?! Does she ever slip back into her given voice?

    3. Martha Stewart was punished for lying to the feds over something that wasn’t even a crime and, if memory serves me correctly, was not actually transcribed. They interviewed her, wrote down a summary of what she said, and then nailed her for inaccuracies in that summary versus what she actually said.

    4. interesting, my read on it is totally different. Elizabeth Holmes has always seemed deeply unlikable to me, and if I were her attorneys I would be terrified for jurors to see clips of her old interviews with that weird fake deep voice and I definitely wouldn’t want her to testify. I still don’t think either of them will serve 20 years, but that’s mostly bc I doubt that juries will sentence someone to that much prison time when the people who lost money were mostly very rich investors/funds. The mental anguish of false test results is real but absent evidence that someone actually had an adverse health impact as a result, I’m not sure how much time I jury would add on for that.

      The main thing Balwani has going against him is how much older he is than her, not his race IMO (because a lot of people will side-eye the age difference, at a minimum, and at worst, will assume it was inherently exploitative). In interviews he always seemed significantly more likable than she did to me.

      Side note: if I were Holmes’s lawyers, I would want more men, and older men, on that jury. I find it interesting that in the whole Elizabeth Holmes/Theranos story, you largely don’t see women (or men in her peer group) taken in. I think older men who were less accustomed to professional interaction with women were far more taken in by her (or the idea of her…like in Bad Blood all these old dudes keep commenting on how pretty she is and maybe I’m a jerk but…she’s fine? Not someone whose appearance I would rave over?).

      1. Agree that the age difference is not helpful either. In most cases, a 19 year old and 37 year old should not be dating – the power differential is going to make it too much of a lopsided relationship – however, she was clearly not your typical 19 year old. I heard some podcasts where people have said that younger women jurors who understand entrepreneurship and also think that Elizabeth may be unfairly judged for being a woman would be better to have in the jury than older men.

      2. I believe the jury does skew male, I am not sure as to age. And I agree with your analysis that that favors her.

      3. In terms of damage, one of the women who testified against her was pregnant and received incorrect lab results that she had miscarried! Her doctor decided to run his/her own blood test and said “wait, that test was wrong!” That patient now has a healthy child. That’s pretty damning to me. What if she had ingested the medical abortion medicine to expel what she thought was a nonviable embryo/fetus. So awful.

        Also, this is petty of me but I agree she wasn’t that attractive. But some would argue the threshold for caucasian blondes is low.

        1. I am glad I can anonymously admit here that when I read Bad Blood and they kept talking about her appearance I was absolutely befuddled.

      4. A lot of the people who invested in her invested in “technology” companies, i.e. computer and programming. She wiped out when she solicited biotech backers; they knew what questions to ask and knew that she would have needed massive scientific and engineering leaps in a variety of fields to do what she claimed. From that, if I were the prosecution, I would want biologists, nurses, or chemists on the jury; if I were defending her, I would stack it with computer science types.

        And yes, middle-aged and older men were so taken with her, and men her own age (Tyler Shultz) thought she was a massive fraud.

    5. I hope she gets the 20. She is a threat to society.
      Also, in the federal system, she will have to serve 85% of the sentence. I am not sure this jury is going to find her as likeable as you suggest once all the evidence is in. And I really question the abuse defense. I think that is a very risky strategy in this case.

      1. Can you explain a bit more why you think she is a threat to society? I haven’t followed this very closely, I was assuming this is a classic case of investors being swindled out of their money. However, US laws provide extreme protections for investors, and at the same time they get to justify extreme wealth with the ‘risk’ they are taking, so my sympathy for investors is limited.

        2. She soaked up a lot of venture capital with her scam that would have been better used for almost anything else. She is completely unrepentant, and she called it mistakes and being a bad business person. She was selling snake oil. Everyone in healthcare said that there was no way this could work the way she claimed, but we all prayed that it might be possible. She was angling for military funding, because it could have revolutionized battlefield medical treatment if it worked.

          She was the worst kind of carnival barker. She sold the modern equivalent of Carter Liver Pills and now wants everyone to believe that she didn’t know that they were metaphorical poison.

        3. She is a threat to society because she is a malignant narcissist and a con artist with no regard for others. She ripped off gambling investors, sure, but she was willing to put a fundamentally-flawed medical device into use in order to do it. And while she actually physically/mentally harmed only a handful of patients, it wasn’t for lack of trying. By her own account, she worked morning to night trying to expand the footprint of that fantastically ill-conceived device’s distribution, with “work” largely consisting of self-aggrandizement, abusing employees, and pathological lying. If this had ended with just a failed company and no criminal charges, with that level of greed and baseless confidence, I envision her seeking platforms where she could do more and more damage. See, for example, Donald J. Trump. Plus, all that money and talent she stole could have gone toward viable biotech instead of funding her selfish quest to be known as someone “changing the world.”

      2. Twitter quote from the article “I would plead guilty to crimes I didn’t even commit before I let this get read aloud in court jfc.”
        Yep. Yiiiiiikes.

    7. Yeah I think her lawyer would definitely want to pack as many white older men to the jury as possible, especially white older men, who are more likely to see her as a white daughter figure who deserves pity and redemption. Bloomberg had an interesting article on this: https://news.bloomberglaw.com/business-and-practice/theranos-elizabeth-holmes-plays-the-privileged-white-female-card

      I used to think that only white men or men of color can get away with perpetuating massive scams of this level. But now white women can get away with it too. If an Asian/black woman tried to pull something like this, she probably would have not even gotten the funding/been questioned at every stage.

      1. The daughter vibe was really strong in her interactions with all her older male advisors.

  18. What are your favorite stores for “very much business casual” clothes? Starting a new job at a tech company

    2. Boden has a lot of great clothes that have a luxe but casual vibe. I work at a tech company and pair a lot of their blouses and sweaters with slacks and jeans.

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