Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Harris Leather Patch Blazer

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Wool-Blend Jacket: Alice + Olivia Harris Leather Patch BlazerOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I've had this in my little reminder system for a possible Suit of the Week for … a while now… but I haven't featured it because I couldn’t quite put my finger on what I liked and what I hated. I think the way it was styled here looks very ’80s secretary — but I think what's worse is that the general shape of the skirt makes it so that it isn't just the styling; I think any combo of that blazer and that skirt is going to end up looking kind of ’80s secretary. But what I loved and kept coming back to was the blazer — so I'm featuring it here, not as a suit. The black-and-white patterned wool, the leather trim, the elbow patches, the sharply notched collar — love it all. I think it would look great on top of a simple black sheath dress, perhaps with a pair of purple pumps. The blazer is $440 at Shopbop. Alice + Olivia Harris Leather Patch Blazer Two lower-priced alternatives are here and here; two plus-size options are here and here. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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324 Comments

  1. I love it. But then I was a secretary in the 80s, so it feels like something I actually wore back then.

    1. I like it as separates but not as a suit. These button front skirts are everywhere. They always seem to pull oddly on real people.

      1. We need faux front button skirts just like faux wrap tops and dresses became a thing.

    2. I was not a secretary in the ’80s, but I actually love this. Funny that the one thing Kat dislikes is one of the only recent things I’ve loved…

    3. I swear, my mom had this exact suit – 35 years ago. I remember it, because I borrowed it for a summer job interview. Oy.

  2. Giving myself away, I’m sure, but I will be traveling to Berlin in late September. I don’t normally travel for work, so this is a big deal. I don’t normally give presentations, so this is a big deal. I’ll have a day of travel, then a day of presentations, then I’m staying 3 more days (over a weekend) to sight see. What do I pack? Can I do it in a carry on? What do I wear? What should I see and what should I eat? My room for the day before and the day after the presentations is taken care of, but where should I stay the other days?

    1. A) For presentations, a suit.

      B) for travel, leggings, a comfy shirt, and a drapey cardigan

      C) for site seeing, jeans, two tops, decent shoes. I’d go with a black cardigan/sweater thing on plane and wear it as my outer layer unless the forecast is rain.

      D) I’d put this in a carry on.

      E) if the presentation hotel is centrally located I’d stay there the entire time.

    2. The length of your stay sounds like a carry on would totally work. Check the weather the week before, late September might be last bit of summer or chilly autumn winds.
      For the sightseeing, no dressing up is required at all, nobody will pay attention, tbh. Just be comfortable.
      Food-wise Berlin is well known for Currywurst and Döner, both meaty streetfood dishes, although there are more and more Veggie-Döners to be had as well.
      Accomodation can be found in a lot of price ranges, I am not sure what is the status of airbnb (the city council was trying to curb it because housing is tight). Just see that you are somewhere within the circle line (zone A), then you will be able to get to all sights easily (though not neccessarily walkable).
      My two tips for unusual places to visit (both free) would be Franziskaner-Klosterkirche (a monastery ruin, over 800 years old, smack dab in the middle of the city) and Flughafen Tempelhof (this is where the airlift was carried out, the airport is too small for modern planes, so they made it a park).
      I’d be happy to give more specific recomendations!

    3. I had great wiener schnitzel in Berlin. It’s an Austrian dish but you can get it in Germany too.
      I’d stay in the hotel you’re staying in for work, unless it’s prohibitively expensive.

    4. would definitely do carry on for this short of a trip. to see, I’d say one of the strandbars (bars among the river), museum island (bust of Nefertiti!), brunch in prenzlauerberg, Berlin Wall exhibit (outdoor/ Berliner mauer museum), I bet a canal boat tour would be lovely end of September, otherwise take a stroll along the landwehrkanal

    5. I always carry-on on the out-bound leg of a business trip because I’ve had my luggage go missing more times than I’d like to remember. Roadwarrior@tt@ (replace @ with letter “e”) has a blog and has been a guest poster on here. She has great tips on what to pack for business trips and how to pack. Most of her travel, though, is not Europe. Une femme d’un certain age is another travel blog and she frequents Europe a lot, so that is a great source for packing and capsule wardrobe ideas.

  3. I like this blazer! Immediate TJ –

    I have a cat problem. My husband adopted a cat before we lived together (and before we were married). I am not a cat person, but this cat is generally nice and friendly and I usually do not mind it. However, my husband is a consultant and I am in biglaw. He has been working in another city since April (and will be working there until at least October – possibly longer). I am working 80-100 hour weeks. The cat is getting lonely during the day, and her response is to poop and pee outside the litterbox. So I come home after a *long* day at work and have to look forward to cleaning up cat poop and pee when I would really rather be getting sleep.

    It has gotten to the point where the cat is pooping and peeing outside the litterbox, sometimes in my bed, at least 4-5 days per week. This is not a happy cat, and it is not making me a happy person.

    We already have special cat attractant litter, the cat has a special scented collar to reduce anxiety, and we are getting a diffuser to spread special cat anti-anxiety perfume around the apartment. We have thought about hiring a catsitter during the day, but I don’t think the catsitter would stay with the cat long enough to cure this. We have thought about getting another cat, but we already know that our cat does not like other cats, and I don’t have the time to manage the “getting to know you” part of a cat relationship. We have thought about my husband taking the cat with him the next time he visits, but he likely cannot have the cat live with him where he is working, and this would cost us about $1k. I do take the responsibility of pet ownership seriously, so I don’t really want to give the cat away to someone else.

    Are there other solutions that we can possibly try? Has anyone fixed this kind of behavioral issue? I am starting to really resent this cat. I think it’s pretty reasonable to resent a creature that poops and pees in your bed. I’m not sure what to do.

    1. I am not a cat person, but several of my friends got 2 cats for this very reason, I believe.

      1. Do not get another cat if you know your cat doesn’t like other cats unless you (a) have time to devote to the getting to know you routine (which OP says she doesn’t); AND (b) have an alternative home lined up for kitty #2 in case it doesn’t work out.

    2. My first thought is that maybe all the cat scents you’re spreading are actually doing more harm. Cats are very particular about scents. Also, is your litter box covered? If it is, that could be the problem.
      Are you leaving things out for the cat to do? Maybe get one of those cat trees for the cat to climb, put up some shelves, and give it a perch near the window to see the outside world. Cats love looking out the window. It’s like TV for them.
      You could also try getting a small covered fish tank (nothing complicated or fancy). Or maybe try leaving out more litter boxes in different places. Finally I assume you ruled out any health problems, but either way, talk to your vet. And if your cat is pooping in your bed, close the door to your bedroom!

      1. We used to have a covered litter box but replaced it with an uncovered one. That seems to help. We have a cat tree, she has two windows to look out of (different directions), etc.

        The cat likes to nap in our bed, and I feel bad closing the door. But that’s what I have done for now. It feels like closing off one of her activities to me (though it will help stop her from pooping on my bed).

        1. Cat can find another place to nap. Mine rotates between the couch, armchair, under the table, kitchen windowsill, top of the laundry basket, bottom of the closet, rug in front of the door… Don’t worry about closing off one of her favorite spots, she’ll find another!

          Next time your husband visits, try having him leave one of his dirty shirts behind — then put it in a place you’d prefer for her to nap.

    3. Take the cat to the vet. Not using the litterbox is a common symptom of all kinds of health problems, including urinary issues that can be fatal.

      If you get a clean bill of health from the vet, a couple of things might be going on. How often are you cleaning the litter compared to when you were working less and your husband was home. I’d bet it’s less often. Some cats will refuse to use a litterbox if it’s not 100% clean. Get another box or two so kitty always has a clean option. And make sure you’re scooping 2x/day and completely cleaning the box weekly – dump all the old litter, scrub the box with a green cleaner, and replace with completely new litter. If that’s too much work, then find a catsitter who will do this.

      If that still doesn’t work, try different types of litter. Every couple of years, my cat just decides he’s not going to use whatever type of litter I have. We generally alternate among a non-toxic clumping clay litter, Feline Pine, and a pellet-based litter. Set up a couple of boxes, each with a different type of litter, and see which one kitty favors.

      1. I am cleaning the litterbox every morning – I really can’t clean it two times a day because I am not home often enough for it to matter. I can get her another one, though. We use two different types of litter based on what we’ve figured out her preferences are, but maybe we should change it up again. With another box we could do better experiments.

        1. You can? Just scoop when you get home at night and before you leave in the morning. It should take way less time than cleaning cat poop out of your bed!

          1. Well, by the time I get home she has gone somewhere else. It’s not really because the litterbox is dirty – sometimes she has only used the floor / my bed. I guess I can scoop once at 2 am and once at 9 am, but I’m not sure that is the best solution.

        2. It’s possible that kitty is frustrated by the changing litter brands as well. From the Humane Society: “Switching litters constantly could result in your cat not using the litter box.”

        3. If you’re using two types of litter then I would get 4 boxes – 2 boxes for each type of litter. I know it takes up a lot of space, but it’s temporary.

          1. Oh also, how big is your cat? If she’s a pretty large cat, she might need a larger box. I use big tupperware storage containers instead of your typical litterbox. My boy is almost 19 lbs and he really needs the extra room.

          2. I’m not sure we have room for four litterboxes in our apartment, unless three are next to each other in the living room.

            The cat is pretty small – 10 or 11 pounds (and a little overweight at that – she should be 9).

    4. Try a cat sitter. Idk why you have decided it wouldn’t work. Also talk to your vet, this might be a medical issue. And make sure you’re playing with the cat when you are home. Also consider washing the litter box.

      1. We decided it wouldn’t work because it doesn’t work when we go on vacation. Maybe it would work better if I were also there at night, but because I am mostly sleeping, I’m not sure it would help that much.

        Sometimes I have time to play with the cat, but sometimes I just don’t have the energy.

        1. You need to step it up. Make the energy. Spend 5 minutes a day dangling a mouse on a string.

        2. Maybe instead of a cat sitter you can have a neighborhood teen come over for an hour or two? Someone who likes cats and won’t just pop in and out. It makes all the difference depending on who it is. My mom has a very nervous cat and when they go away he used to be a mess because their cat sitter came in fed him, change his water and litter and left. But now a neighborhood cat lady comes and the cat is much better because she actually spends time with him, talks to him, plays with him, etc.
          Also, def. talk to your vet. My mom’s cat had similar issues to yours and would pee in their tub a lot and it turned out to be kidney stones.

          1. It’s a little concerning that the OP isn’t responding to the multiple suggestions about taking kitty to the vet. OP, your very first stop should be the vet. Kitty could have a life-threatening medical issue.

    5. Has the cat gotten a full workup from the vet to rule out any medical issues?

      Make sure to clean the dirty areas with an enzyme cleaner to remove any old scents. Then spray Feliway in those spots to discourage the cat from going in the same spot.

      When you get home from work try to have play sessions with the cat to help burn off energy during the day. There is a device called PetCube that you can use to watch your cat via camera during the day. It has a laser pointer that you can use to play with the cat remotely.

      Make sure the cat has access to windows and perches to see outside. Speaking of which, if there is a view to the outside are there other cats in the neighborhood that could be causing her to be stressed?

      Other than working long hours, any other changes in the environment that could be causing stress?

      Check out some books from cat behaviorist Pam Johnson-Bennett.

      1. The cat can see out to a yard where other cats sometimes hang out. She freaks out when she sees them and doesn’t like it. I have closed the blinds to that window (but sometimes she goes between the blinds and the window – there are also squirrels out there which she loves. I know that she is stressed out, but I’m not sure what to do about it. Having more litterboxes seems like it might help but she will still be stressed.

        Do you have a Petcube? I am intrigued but it is expensive. Is it worth it?

        1. Again, you guys are making big money, and you’ve got cat pee in your bed. Get a cat sitter, weirdly expensive cat toy, second litter box, scoop twice daily, and go to the vet.

          1. I don’t have a problem spending money on it – just trying to figure out what will work, given my limited time. Thank you for the suggestions.

          2. It will take less time to set up the Pet Cube than it does to clean up cat pee. Try it. See if it fixes this issue for your cat.

            But also, take her to the vet, set up more litter boxes, try everything everyone here has suggested.

        2. So combined with what seem to be other medical issues, the other cats in the yard could definitely be creating a territorial/anxiety issue for her, which can and will make her ill/have these symptoms. Evaluate other window options – don’t just remove the opportunity for her to use the problem window(s), make the better options more attractive for her.

        3. I don’t have a Pet Cube, but I’ve seen positive reviews on the cat accounts I follow on Instagram. I’ll post a link separately that gives you $15 off.

          With the Pet Cube, you can set it to public and provide others with your user name so they can play with your cat.

          We have indoor, outdoor cameras from Arlo to see what’s going on in the house, but that’s not specifically for pets.

          Also, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. Litter box issues are tough and frustrating to deal with.

          Perhaps your vet will have recommendedations for a behaviorist if you want to go that route.

          It’s a tough decision, but you may need to consider rehoming if the situation continues to be stressful. I would avoid a shelter if possible, but if you could directly find another family for the cat that would be ideal.

    6. I had a cat like this, and it was really, really awful. We tried everything – taking her to multiple vets, different litter/litter boxes, different toys, cat-calming aromatherapy. Nothing worked. I was tortured over what to do, because I knew I couldn’t give her away because it wouldn’t be fair to burden someone else with this problem, but I also couldn’t live with cat waste all over my house. Ultimately, my mom took her in, and she lived out her days as an indoor-outdoor (mostly outdoor) cat.

      So, lots of sympathy. It’s a terrible problem and I know the stress and guilt that comes along with it.

    7. We had this problem with my cat, and it was indicative of health issues that were causing him a lot of pain. The vet should be your first stop, and a second opinion vet should be your second stop. This is way outside the realm of normal litter protest behavior.

      1. +1 My cat’s will occasionally leave turds outside the box, but it’s completely predictable and they both have clean bills of health. The cat NEEDS to go to a vet. You have got to find time to do that.

        1. We will take the cat to the vet. I don’t think she is sick because we have had this problem off and on for about a year (and she has gone to the vet between those times), the vast majority of her “accidents” are poop (not pee) and because it is always in the same places. I would call this behavior predictable – just very, very often.

          1. It was always poop for us. Pretty much every day. And it ended up being major systemic issues. I hate saying that, but when we started giving my cat pain relief, I felt terrible that I’d let it go on so long.

          2. It was always poop for us. Pretty much every day. And it ended up being major systemic issues. I hate saying that, but when we started giving my cat pain relief, I felt terrible that I’d let it go on so long.

    8. My cat was like this for the last year or so of her life as her health deteriorated. I got very good at shutting my bedroom door any time I wasn’t walking through it. Most cats can’t get through shut doors (once handles have been switched out for knobs) so that solution helped.

    9. I acquired one cat from a family member because of a situation like this, and the problem was 100% resolved by her getting to be an “only pet,” she never peed on anything in my house until she was very old and sick. If you have a close friend or family member willing to give it a try, cat unhappy and peeing in one house does not mean she will do it everywhere.

      Definitely take the cat to the vet. Before you try anything else. Assuming it’s not a health issue, the vet will probably also suggest behavioral solutions for you to try, but here are a few that have worked for us (sort of. We have two cats that occasionally pee/poop outside their litter boxes, but I know exactly what they’re angry about and too bad for them).
      1. Make sure that the solutions you’re using for cleaning are specific for cleaning cat urine; a lot of cleaning solutions can attract repeat offense because of the scents they leave behind.
      2. Add a litter box. The conventional wisdom is you should have n+1 litter boxes (n = number of cats)
      3. Move the litter box to a different location. Preferably close to the spots where she poops/pees. If you have a litter box in your bedroom, so be it — it’s better than cat pee in your bed.
      4. Try different litter
      5. Try different food. Wet cat food > dry for a lot of health and happiness reasons.

      This doesn’t sound like anxiety, per se, it sounds like retaliation. Cats are jerks like that. If the anti-anxiety scented collar hasn’t worked, I’m not sure why you’re doubling down with perfume.

        1. Cats totally do retaliation. My vet had a story about a patient who would poop on her owner’s pillow in a variety of circumstances – gone too long, another pet in the house, a set of normally open blinds being closed. Spirograph is right, cats are jerks.

          1. Haha. My parents’ lovely, well-behaved cat repeatedly p**ped on my brother’s high chair, but nowhere else. Cats, amirite?

        2. My previous cat would do “retaliation” if we went out of town and pee on the bed. She never would if we were in town. Maybe she was bored, maybe it was a food/water/litter situation that only happened if we were out, but we ended up just putting a drop cloth on the bed when we left for the weekend. She’d also pee in the shower, but that was easy to clean up.

      1. Cats absolutely retaliate. My brother’s cat started peeing on his bed, never using the litter box, etc. It was not a health problem. The cat was angry over my brother’s new job of working 12+ hour days and some overnights. (He had been a student before and home all the time.) Solution: brother gave the cat to me, a person with a frequently work from home schedule, and the cat never had one accident outside the box again. For 5 years. This cat also didn’t like other cats, so he needed to be around his person.

    10. You have my sympathy. I’ve been there, but on the other end. The cat was mine pre-marriage and honestly, it just hated my husband. We tried the vet, we tried scents, we tried all sorts of different litter arrangements. She would pee on his stuff anytime she got the chance (gym bag, briefcase, in his closet, his coat – anything that smelled like him). People can throw shade all they want, but we ended up having to make her an outdoor cat. She seemed happier, and though her life expectancy was probably a bit shortened by that, it seemed more fair than trying to re-home her. And while I was happy to make sure she wasn’t a sick kitty, I am just not the type who was willing to make sure she wasn’t a mental kitty – no kitty shrink for us.

      1. This also worked for my cat. He is a very sweet, cuddly animal, but he gets bored if he’s cooped up inside and when he gets bored he gets destructive. OP I don’t know if it’s possible for you to get a cat door and let your cat come and go as he/she pleases, but it worked wonders for mine. I also make an effort to play with him and give him attention when he’s inside. He’s much happier and hasn’t peed on my couch in ages (for awhile it was about the only place he WOULD pee).

        You do have to make sure to inform your vet that the cat goes outside so they can add more vaccinations, though, and they’ll also need flee/tick/heartworm medication. I also paid I think about $60 to have him microchipped. For me this has been a great solution, and for him too I think. He is less safe, likely, but much happier.

        1. Oh, also, when you clean up after the cat, make sure to use a deodorizing cleaner specifically designed for cleaning up after animals. Nature’s Miracle an OdoBan are two of them. Regular cleaners leave behind an odor detectable to cats and they’re more likely to do it again.

      2. Same here – our cat started peeing on the bed, but never has since we started letting him go outside. In fact, letting him go outside has changed his entire demeanor for the better – he seems much less anxious and more affectionate when he’s in.

        1. Yes, my comment above is an allusion to the fact that one of our cats very much prefers to be an indoor/outdoor cat. I prefer him to be fully indoors (more for the health and safety of wildlife than for his own health and safety), and we have an ongoing battle of wills and reflexes over this. If I successfully keep him inside for more about a week straight, he’ll start protesting by leaving surprises outside his litter box. Of course, if he is outside too much, his kitty companion gets upset/lonely and surprises us because of that. I really can’t win.

          If you don’t mind birds and other small animals falling victim to your cat (no judgment, but I do), and your cat seems to want to go outside, it’s worth a shot. Especially if you live in the ‘burbs or have a bit of garden space.

    11. Hive, in recent weeks I have noticed a general shift in the tone of comments on this site. People are a little more quick to judge, a little less kind, a little snarkier, a lot more sarcastic. One of the things I love most about this community is that we are all supportive, even if we have very different ideas/lives. Can we all agree to reflect a bit about how we speak to one another here?

      1. I once needed genuine advice and asked for it anonymously and was called a troll. So I disappeared for weeks. When you look up to this community, you only expect the best from it but I did run through a couple snarky responses that make me wonder sometimes why I attach so much important to strangers on the web. But then again some of my favourite commenters resurface and I enjoy reading again

      2. It’s always been like this, honeslty. I think it’s actually been better the past year or so, and now it’s getting back to how it was before. This isn’t really new.

    12. I can empathize. My beloved cat started peeing outside of the litter box when he became diabetic. Once we figured out that he was diabetic and put him on insulin, it got better. We had to replace some rugs in the process because he could still smell the urine after we cleaned it using every product under the sun. Have you tried getting new bedding? Can you work from home periodically when your husband is gone? If you have a house withat a fenced in back yard, can you install a pet door? Have your tried getting a new litter box and putting it near the places he has chosen to go to the bathroom?

    13. Don’t get another cat – that’s not a solution. Talk to your vet about solving these problems, there are many potential underlying causes. And remember: cats don’t do things because they are “mad” at you or for spite. The cat has a problem and can’t tell you. It’s up to you to figure it out and solve it. We had a cat struggle with these issues and it took awhile but we solved them.

      Outdoor cats have vastly reduced life expectancies. Please don’t consider that a solution.

    14. I don’t think I read that you did this. Something I learned in my companion animal class in undergrad that could help here — When it comes to cats, in order to prevent behavioral bathroom issues, you should have N+1 litterboxes (N being the number of cats). So for 1 cat, should have 2 litterboxes. For some, this entirely solves bathroom behavioral issues.

    15. One of our cats regularly pees on certain pieces of furniture (armchair and couch) and has for years now. No health issues. She is a beautiful and sweet cat, although mental, and we’ve learned to live with her accidents. Assuming the behavior isn’t health related, (1) Keep the cat out of the bedroom! Close the door when you are at work. (2) Try covering surfaces (such as couch) the cat is likely to pee on with puppy pads while you are at work. (3) If your current litter boxes are more than a year old, replace the litter box itself on a regular basis. The plastic can absorb odors, causing a cat to reject the box. This hasn’t really helped with our cat, but it’s worth trying.

      1. Also agree that keeping cat out of certain rooms (or in certain rooms) might be a solution. I know it sounds awful for the cat to be cooped up, but try setting up up a cozy room with tree, food, toys, and litter all in one place (bathroom if it’s large enough and easy enough to clean). See if she still goes outside the litterbox then. If not, keep that up until it seems she’s regularly going in the litterbox, then expand the area slowly, taking rooms away if she reverts to bad habits. This is how kittens are supposed to be socialized. Maybe your cat just needs some re-education.

    16. Can you hire a neighbor kid to come play with/hang out with the cat in the afternoons? My sister-in-law’s brother’s cat did this when the new baby arrived, and hence received far less attention. Once the cat went to live with my sister-in-law and got more attention, the problems stopped.

      1. I don’t know any of our neighbors since I work all the time :) But I will keep an eye out.

    17. Man, am I the sole voice here that says … maybe try to find someone else to take the cat? At least in the short term? My husband has two cats he loves and I feel neutral towards … if he left me in charge for months on end and they peed all over my bed after I came home from an 80 hour workweek – I would find this beyond intolerable. You are all better people / more patient than I am – as are you, Cat Problems, since you are being gracious about solutions that require more work / effort FROM YOU.

      Can you ask your Husband to work remotely on a temporary solution (parents? cousins? anyone else to take the cat?) since it is, after all, his cat?)

      1. After thinking about this a bit more, I agree. It might be time to find a new home for the cat. The cat is obviously not happy or thriving in its current living conditions. Hard as it is to admit, you might not be the right family for this cat and this might not be the right cat for your family.

    18. 1) Neighborhood kid who likes cats and can come play for at least thirty minutes an afternoon. I’d recommend at least 11, and I might want to keep it someone not much older (unless another neighbor will notice if your home is the new hookup spot).

      2) Prozac. Your cat sounds anxious and sad. This will help. They’ll run a full work-up first, and you may have to get kidney function tests every six months, but it can work wonders on problem pee-ers.

      1. My vet just prescribed a very tiny dosage of prozac for my cat. If you can get them to take the pill it could work wonders for you. Unfortunately mine won’t take a pill in any form (I’ve tried everything)…

    19. I haven’t read all the comments so some of this advice might be duplicated:

      1) Tell the vet exactly what you’ve told us here. Tell him/her that you’re at the end of your rope.
      2) I’ve learned how to stuff a pill down a cat’s throat so if the vet proscribes Prozac or something similar, have vet technician show you how to get the pill down.
      3) There are dog behaviorists that come to people’s houses – there must be cat behaviorists too. Ask the vet or local humane society for recommendations.
      4) Find someone else to take the cat for a while as said above. Call your local cat rescue society and ask if they have temporary foster homes for at-risk cats.
      5) Not sure if this is true or not but when we had a cat like this, we were told that washing/cleaning items that had cat urine on them did not get rid of the smell. If cat has gone somewhere, you may have to throw away and replace those items (bed cover, sofa, whatever) because otherwise the cat is going to be prompted to re-soil the area.

      I love cats but we stopped getting them on purpose for this reason. Our last cat was dumped on us and was a declawed white fluff ball who was said to be an indoor cat. She refused to stay in and lived for 16 years as an outdoor cat (died at age 18). Go figure.

      I can see why you’re at the end of your rope.

      1. FYI – there are indeed cat behaviorists. There’s one notable one in Greensboro, NC (oddly).

  4. How do you deal with feelings of intimidation impacting your performance, like in a interview or presentation, or something similar with an element of “performing” involved? Besides getting as much experience doing that scary thing as you possibly can.

    1. Practice. I practice presentations, arguments etc repeatedly. Out loud in the car, out loud at home, in front of a mirror. And during the presentation I talk slowly, pause for breaths, and make eye contact.

    2. Rehearse with a trusted audience. Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk on power poses, this stuff works. You can also google warm-up exercises for your voice, especially when you need to speak louder than your natural volume.
      Fake it till you make it. -When it comes to confidence, it works.

      1. Right. You don’t need to actually be confident. You just need to appear confident, and that’s just a skill set.

    3. Definitely practice lots. I have a hard time forcing myself to actually practice out loud standing up, but it really truly is the best way to prepare for a presentation. For me, it’s actually more distracting for me to practice in front of a small audience of one or two, since I’m constantly wanting to stop and have a conversation with them about what they like/don’t like/why are they looking bored/can I improve this/etc.. I’m better off in a room by myself.

      Second the Amy Cuddy TED talk + power poses – I do those as well and I do think it helps. Remember it’s a skill and you will get better the more you do it.

    4. Practice, practice, practice. Also, I remind myself of some of my previous professional successes/wins. It’s good perspective that even though I’ve felt this way before, I’ve overcome it and gone on to do well, so there’s no reason I can’t do it again.

  5. I haven’t been to Berlin in years but I think you can definitely do it in a carry-on. I’m from a quite informal field (academia) so in this scenario, I’d wear a dress with sleeves – something that wouldn’t wrinkle in transit, maybe MM Le Fleur. For sightseeing, you can wear what you would at home (everyone will know you’re foreign, anyways). If I were packing for this trip in the autumn, I’d pack booties and tights, a shorter knit or ponte skirt or dress, and a cool jacket. Small cross-body bag with a zip.

    My packing pro-tip: try to leave lighter than I came. I pack PJs, undies, socks etc that are on their last legs and bin them when I’m done. I keep make-up tubes with just a few uses left for travelling and will leave novels I’ve finished in a cafe. Frees up a bit of room for souvenirs.

    To save yourself the stress of moving, you could probably extend your stay in the hotel. But if I were in Berlin, I’d want to stay some place quite cool and trendy. Report back – I’m hoping to do a trip in November.

  6. Just got back from Europe, where we rented a car. We drove a little Fiat 500, and we loved it!

    I’m in the market for a new (gently used, new to me) car, and now I’m considering something much smaller. any recommendations for smaller cars you like driving in the US? I live in a major city and will mostly be using the car for city driving. Thinking maybe a Mini Cooper or a Yaris… other ideas?

    1. We have a Fiat 500 and like it. We’re considering trading it in for a Mini now because we need a bit more room, but for just two adults, the Fiat is great. We’re in NYC and parking is super easy. Lots of people here also get Smart Cars, but I think that’s a bit too small for us to be comfortable; but great if you are just using it as transport.

    2. I have a Prius C, and it’s pretty small – not quite Fiat small, but it’s about the same size as a Honda Fit (which would also probably fit the bill). It’s easy to park, a pretty good ride, and the gas mileage is insane (55-60 mpg). The Chevy Spark is also really tiny, but I’ve only seen them and never driven in one, so I can’t speak to whether it’s a good car to drive.

    3. I drive a Mini One and love it. It’s better on fuel economy than the Cooper and I’ve never felt like I ran out of acceleration. It’s like driving a go kart.

    4. Not really fancy, but I adore my little Versa. I get 40 mph, and with the CVT transmission, it has surprising pickup. It’s small, so I can parallel park in even the tightest city spots, but it cans till seat 4 people comfortably and I have plenty of trunk space.

      I’ve had mine for 5 years and all it has ever needed is an oil change and a $15 screw replaced; it has 60,000 miles and even according to the manual, won’t need anything expensive anytime soon. It’s a beast of a little car.

      It’s also surprisingly sturdy. I bought one 5 years ago, and a drunk driver in an SUV flew through a red light and plowed into me. His car was totaled and he was bloody and banged up. My car was totaled too, but it did its job and I got out without a scratch. I went out the next week and bought the exact same car as a replacement.

      1. I don’t have one, but a friend of mine has a Versa and loves it. I am Team Nissan with a Pathfinder that is still going strong at 237k miles with no major issues.

        1. I’ll never leave Nissan again. it’s the only car I’ve ever had that didn’t have maintenance issues or expensive repairs.

    5. I loved my Yaris. It does, honestly, occasionally sound like you are driving a large go-cart, but it is surprisingly comfortable and roomy. I also like that it looks like a “real” car.

    6. Toyota Matrix is great and comes in 4WD if you need that in your part of the country. My friend has a Ford Focus hatchback and it’s surprisingly nice inside and drives well.

    7. I drive a Mini Cooper & love it – best car I’ve ever had; it’s got pep, is shockingly roomy inside & you can park it anywhere. I also like that it’s solid enough to take on long road trips so I don’t feel limited to in-city driving.

  7. After a long period of interviewing for jobs, it occurred to me that it was often quite difficult to get a true sense of what the corporate culture of a company might be. In a lot of my interviews, I never got to see the office itself but was walked directly to a boardroom and I felt that my questions about corporate culture were not taken as seriously as my others.

    So today I’m wondering – were there any clues when you were interviewing for your job about what the corporate culture would be like? For example, maybe the company took forever and ever and ever to get you promised answers and after starting work you realized that the place is a lot more bureaucratic than you originally assumed, that kind of thing.

    1. I’ve gotten good clues in interviews where multiple people are interviewing me in one session. Observe how they interact with each other (good rapport or weird tension) and what they say to you and each other and perhaps, what they don’t say. Corporate culture is so easy to fake in an interview, so I know how hard it can be to suss out what’s real and what’s not.

      1. This is a great call – at my first in-house job, we interviewed in teams and we always had a joking back and forth going during interviews because we all truly loved working together (and I think this came out during the interviews). At my current in-house position, they interviewed in teams, but there was definitely a lot less of that collegiality and even casual conversation between the interviewers. And my impressions of the companies have both borne out to a “T” – my first job was a fun, collegial place to work, while at this job, people tend to stick to themselves and there’s not a lot of relationship-building, etc.

    2. If you are only seeing a boardroom and you are really interested in the position, ask for an office tour. It won’t give you all of the information but I have found that it is helpful in giving clues about the environment. And if a prospective employer isn’t willing to walk you around, that is a clear red flag.

    3. I have participated in a lot of hiring at my company. based on our culture, I can say what things candidates could have picked up on about our culture from our hiring process: 1) is anyone at the level of the vacancy present for the interview? companies who care about employee morale and compatibility will often bring lateral employees in, even if only for later stages of the process. 2) is the process very formal or more relaxed? can you have a casual tangent conversation with the interviewer? if yes, your interviewer is likely to have the same kind of friendly relationship once you are an employee. 3) are people strolling in late for the interview? is it late to start? is the interviewer prepared? has the tech been checked and is working? all these things speak to an organized or disorganized environment. 4) does the interviewer constantly cycle back to what the last employee did in the role? good or bad, you’ll always be compared to that person. 5) if it is a big interview, how does your interviewer relate to his/her colleagues? gives you some clues as to where your boss stands within the hierarchy and what that means for you.

    4. My big one — do they let you meet your peers, if there are any? In the few places I’ve interviewed where only my prospective bosses ran the process — it’s always turned out later that I find out from people my level that there are HUGE morale problems and thus your peers were being hidden away lest they let it slip that the bosses have no clue, impose unreasonable deadlines, there’s tons of turnover, or whatever. I think you can tell a lot my meeting/seeing your peers — whether they seem happy/ok; how they interact with each other (or if they do); how they talk about the job.

    5. I drive by at night and on the weekend to see if people appear to be working. Where I work now, it was a ghost town at 7pm and I hardly ever work late.

    6. This may not work for everyone, but on my day-long final interview, I asked to spend an hour or two job shadowing someone who was in a similar role on the team I’d be joining. They allowed it (to my surprise!) and I got to spend 90 minutes sitting where I would sit, seeing how the team interacted, and getting a sense of some of the day to day. It made me feel much more comfortable with accepting an offer, and I’ve been here for over four years now.

  8. I recently started dating a sweet, funny, bright guy. We are comfortable with each other, and the attraction is strong. We have both admitted that this has long term potential, and in my deepest thoughts, this may be the person I’ve been waiting for. I admire his work/career interests, and he respects mine. However, there are two alarm bells or red flags I can perceive. One is that he is 30 years old, and he offhandedly mentioned that his mother bought him clothes on his last trip home. I don’t know his salary other than that he works at a nonprofit, but I can’t see why he wouldn’t pay for work clothes himself. The other is that he is enthusiastic about pursuing a PhD in the social sciences. I am the same age and interested in starting a family in the near future. I have been dating multiple people with that goal in mind, as much as I also recognize dating can be fun and taking it slow is a good way to get to know someone first. Before I fall too hard and too openly, I am considering how this would work out financially in the long term. Would I be too hasty in writing this guy off based on a perceived difference in approaches to finances? It seems like a big risk to support someone through a PhD.

    Please tell me if you have experiences along these lines. I’m a first generation professional in my family, and sometimes I think I let money weigh too heavily, but I have seen relatives and friends struggle to support families, and I am petrified of doing it (largely) on my own.

    1. A) my mom buys me work clothes all the time. It’s not about me not being able to afford them at all! She’s just my mom, she likes doing nice things for me, and this is something she does. I wouldn’t view this as a red flag.

      B) why not try talking to him about this? Maybe he loves the idea of it but would only do it if fully funded. Maybe he has savings. Maybe he isn’t seriously going to do it. I don’t think you need to get all into “but how will we feed our children” territory but “hey so a PHd? Tell me more about this plan” is probably worth doing.

      1. Oh thank goodness, I’m not alone. I was feeling quite ashamed as (a) someone whose mom buys me clothes frequently and (b) a PhD student in my 30s.

        A few thoughts- A PhD is a massive endeavour (particularly in the states) and may require frequent relocation. I think it’s reasonable to casually bring it up and see how serious he is about it. My husband and I met / married midway through my PhD and it is a source of stress both in the moment b/c of workload and in terms of long-term planning – jobs, locations, a baby.

      2. A) My mom buys me clothes all the time, and I can certainly afford them myself (she has just always done this). She also does this for my brother, who is gainfully employed. No matter how many times we say “you don’t need to do this for us,” she does. (It seems to make her happy.)

        I’d be more worried if he was like “…and then my mom came over after I got home from work, like usual, to clean up my whole apartment and make me my food for the week…” or something like that. But buying clothes? No.

        1. LOL ! This was hilarious:
          “…and then my mom came over after I got home from work, like usual, to clean up my whole apartment and make me my food for the week…”

      3. I am 30, married with a kid, and pay all my own bills (minus my cell phone because family plan) and my Mom still buys me clothes occasionally. My husband’s mom also buys him clothes on occasion (less frequently than my Mom does for me, but I think that’s just a relationship dynamic thing). Neither of us are financially dependent on our mothers.

      4. I’m in my 30s and well-established and my mom still buys me clothes occasionally. Often it’s a “I ordered stuff for myself and saw something and thought of you.”

    2. 1. I think you’re way overreacting. Moms love to baby their kids. I think it could be concerning if his mom buys ALL his clothes or if he said something about needing his mom’s input into his work clothes, but I don’t see how his mom occasionally shopping for and/or paying for clothes for him is that big a deal. There’s no indication from your comment that he can’t buy his own clothes. The fact that once in awhile he accepts gifts doesn’t make him less of an adult.

      2. This seems like more of a potential issue, but again I think you’re getting way ahead of yourself. First of all, most reputable social sciences PhD programs provide support for the students. My SIL is getting a pysch PhD and she has all her tuition paid and makes about $35k a year (at a good, but not Ivy League, school). So yes, he’s not going to have a huge salary but I don’t know why you think you’d be “supporting him.” He won’t have debt and unless you’re in a very HCOL place, he shouldn’t have a problem covering his own share of the expenses. I think a bigger question is whether he wants to complete the PhD before having a family, and if he does that’s probably something you need to talk through in the coming months. It’s certainly possible to have a baby while you’re in a PhD program but many people want to get more settled before having a baby. And if sees a baby as something he wants post-PhD at 38 and you want one in the next year or two, that could be a bigger issue.

      1. Timing: I completely agree. Sadly, it is easier for the non-childbearing parent to do a PhD while having babies. I know a fair few families who have had children during the PhD, mine included, and there are definitely advantages (PhD students have flexible schedules, especially when they no longer need to take classes) and disadvantages (you are at the mercy of your advisor’s schedule/ may have to live in the lab/ be away for extended fieldwork periods, especially in STEM).

      2. Also, what does he want to do with the Ph.D.? Is he set on being an academic, and if so, what is the job market like in his field? You may need to talk through questions liek: are you willing to move so that he can take a postdoc, and then again for a job? What will you do if he finishes his degree and and the only academic work he can find is poorly-paid adjuncting? Depending on his field and goals, these scenarios may or may not be an issue; if he’s an economist who wants to work in policy, it’s going to be fine. If he’s an anthropologist who wants to be an academic, you NEED to know what you are signing up for.

    3. Some parents will not allow you to pay for things and some mothers will buy you clothes without you even asking them to. I can see being concerned about her doing his laundry but a guy goes home and his mom goes to buy him some things at BR because she thinks he looks a little shlubby? I don’t know that I’d be concerned absent other red flags.

      As for the PhD thing – risky how? That you support him and he leaves you? That you won’t have money while he pursues it? That it’s an uncertain career move? I’d say money isn’t everything and assuming you can make the finances work, it may actually be nice to have a partner with a more flexible schedule while your kids are little.

      1. Yeah, but PhD does not always mean flexible schedule. In my experience, PhD means BigLaw hours for very little income.

        1. Depends a lot on the field. My husband worked maybe 20 hours a week for most of his PhD (brief exceptions for quals and finishing his dissertation, but even then never worked more than 40). I know a lot of people who consistently worked more like 50-60 hours/week, but that’s still pretty far off Big Law hours. And you get to set your own hours and have a lot of control over your schedule, which makes a HUGE difference. I don’t know anyone in a PhD program who ever had to cancel a vacation or pull an unexpected all-nighter because of a crisis. And you’re treated like a colleague, not a subordinate. I’m not saying being a PhD student is easy, but there’s an autonomy and respect that doesn’t exist for Big Law associates.

          1. As a PhD, I second these two observations:
            – Worked <40 hours a week for most of the PhD (brief exceptions for quals and finishing dissertation, but not much more than 40 even then)

            – Never had to cancel a vacation or pull an unexpected all-nighter because of a crisis.

    4. Hmm. Only you know this situation well enough, but my husband is 3 years into a PhD and we have a 1-year-old. We’re 31 and 29, and I’ve nearly always out-earned him (he’s had STEM-academic-career-path jobs: teaching, research assistant in a research institute, now PhD student, while I’ve been employed full-time for most of the last 8 years). *Sometimes* I get tired of under-earning relative to our degrees and earning capacity, but what’s more important to me is that he is pursuing his goals in a field he enjoys.

      Honestly, in my experience, the most important thing financially in any relationship is not the size of your combined income but that you and your partner are on the same page financially. Husband and I are in the same part of the saver/spender spectrum. For your part I guess you can lay the foundation by being on solid financial ground yourself – paying off student loans, saving for retirement, etc. Sock it away now! before you have children! and let compound interest do its magic.

      As for work clothes, I will admit to contributing to my husband’s wardrobe whenever I find a sale on quality items, because he wears things (socks, tennis shoes, underwear) to death. But trust your intuition on that one.

    5. As someone who started law school at the age of 40, when kids were 4.5 and 18 months, I don’t understand what is wrong with a mate or spouse who wants to pursue additional education. My family had money saved, I continued to work part-time and I had a supportive spouse. Like anything, if you want to make it work, you can. If you don’t want it to work, it won’t. It’s not a dealbreaker unless you make it one.

    6. My brother makes high 6 figures, is incredibly smart and independent, but works really hard and has zero fashion sense. My mom buys him clothes because he honestly thinks that mustard yellow and olive green are a good match and never has time to shop.

      She buys him complete outfits so that he doesn’t look ridiculous :)

    7. Thanks so much for the responses! I definitely worried that I was overreacting. I think I was coming from the mindset of my family of origin, which is hustle til you die and don’t trust anybody until you’re well into the marriage. Which hasn’t worked out so great for most of them. It is such a relief to talk to a community like you, whose experiences more closely match my current reality.

      And I did not fully consider the potential positives of the PhD years, such as a parent with more time/flexibility. It’s a new paradigm than the one I grew up wanting, but that’s the beauty of growing up and the world changing, I guess :)

      Also, to be completely honest, I don’t know why his admitting that she bought him clothes that made me so nervous. His mom clearly has great taste.

      Whew. Thanks for listening and responding.

      1. It’s okay to be nervous/anxious in early days, especially if you like the guy! Just try to take a deep breath and enjoy it, and try not to get too far ahead of yourself (easier said than done, I know).

    8. Instead of thinking about the Red Flags he may be dropping (and I don’t really see any here), I think you need look at yourself a little bit in this case. Imagine this situation reversed, for him. “I met this great girl, but she’s concerned because my mom bought me some clothes and that I want to pursue higher education.”

      Finding someone isn’t just all about their “red flags” but working on yours as well, and sometimes reversing the scenario can put things in perspective. I’m not saying this to be snarky at all, it’s just something that’s truly helped me.

      1. This. And also, what if it turns out you can’t have kids? Would you kick yourself for giving up what sounds like it could be a beautiful partnership because there was the vague possibility of some financial challenges that may or may not appear? Obviously you must ask questions and it’s great to be thinking practically, but don’t write someone off quickly (and this early into dating) without thinking about whether the person is someone with whom you could have an actually happy life even given the perceived challenges.

    9. Total red flags. I was in this situation. No one thing was a deal breaker but the overall picture was of someone who didn’t want to grow up…perpetual student, mom buys his clothes, etc…. Immature people are often a lot of fun and you can get sucked in. If you want a strong adult man who will be a good breadwinner then leave him. If you want to be the adult then stay. It’s all what you want.

      1. Also an interesting point — thank you for your perspective! Will be mulling all of this over.

  9. I’m considering hiring an individual to clean my home for the first time (as opposed to a cleaning service, which I’ve had before). What should I ask?

    1. A recommendation from a friend would be ideal. My cleaning lady cleans for pretty much my entire block so when I hired her I had no worries about trust, which was nice.

    2. I’m curious – why does an individual appeal to you more than a service? Be careful about the tax implications of having an individual; I think they’re technically considered an employee if they make more than a (pretty low) certain amount per year.

      I’d ask for references, proof of insurance, and whether they’re a licensed business. Also make sure your homeowners/renters insurance covers household staff if they get injured.

      1. I’d much rather have a service, but unfortunately there are none in my area (except professional janitorial cleaning services that are prohibitively expensive). This individual cleans for several others in my neighborhood, so I’m not worried about references but insurance and the tax implications are definitely big concerns.

  10. This weekend my SIL threw a surprise party for her husband, and her friends were there. One of her friends caught me off guard and asked if I was a member of the party as I was talking to another guest. At first glance, I thought she was implying that I was in the wrong party room, so I said yes and left it at that. I wasn’t rude but was a bit colder than I might have been otherwise. Later, I heard her friend march up to my SIL and say, “Your SIL is a b%$#$!”. We haven’t always gotten along, but I have never used that type of language to describe her. It was rough. I am not going to start (for lack of a better word) “drama” by mentioning it to her – after all, she didn’t say it herself. But obviously, her friend felt comfortable saying it to her. I don’t know why this is bothering me so much, but it is.

    1. Wait what?!? Girl get a grip. You were rude to someone who was trying to start a convo, and she in turn said something about you. That’s it. Stop being such a drama queen. It is not “obvious” at all that “her friend felt comfortable saying this to her” and therefore that says something about your SIL.

        1. Nope. I just think you’re being a little high strung here, and being short and cold at a party isn’t appropriate. I’m not a troll just because I disagree with your assessment of the situation.

    2. Sucks. Sounds like your SIL has not nice friends. It probably says something about her.

    3. It sounds like this friend is a little bit b i t c h y herself. As long as I am behaving properly, what I tell myself in those situations is that a comment such as that says WAY more about the person who is saying it than it does about me. Who knows what that friend has going on. Perhaps she is jealous because you have something that she wants. Perhaps she was having a bad day and was extra crabby. Perhaps someone told her to make sure that no party crashers came in. You don’t know, but what you do know (hopefully) is that you aren’t a bitch, that you reacted in an abnormal way for you because you were caught off guard, and that this person is not worth the time and energy to fret over. If she thinks you are a B, so what? You aren’t friends with her anyway and you can’t control what she thinks of you. Deep breaths!

    4. Some people feel comfortable saying all kinds of out of line things. I mean honestly, who goes up to the host of a party and complains about an offhand comment by one of the guests? “I know you put a lot of thought and time and effort into throwing this awesome party for your husband and tonight is supposed to be 100% about him, but I’m going to go ahead and make it about me by complaining to you that one of your guests didn’t act like I’m the center of the universe.”

      Most of us have a drama friend and we’re used to their antics. It sounds like you found SIL’s drama friend. I guarantee this isn’t the first time this “friend” has acted like an entitled brat and I’m sure SIL is used to it from her. She probably doesn’t think you actually did anything wrong.

    5. You’re the b#### bc you said “yes” when asked if you’re supposed to be here/in this room? I think it’s kind of a b#### question to ask a guest at a party. I don’t go into parties assuming that others aren’t supposed to be there — I assume they are invited guests of the couple that I haven’t met before!! It’s not you, it’s her; and by extension — if this is who your SIL socializes with . . . .

    6. Thanks all. It’s good perspective. My SIL and I have a tense relationship, but we are pretty polite to each other in real life. I think I was spiraling into an unnecessarily dramatic place where I imagined my SIL talking about me like that to her friends. There’s no need to start creating unhappy scenarios in my head. I appreciate the support.

  11. Love that jacket … until I saw the elbow patches. Not sure I could pull that off.

    TJ, though — not sure I’m looking for advice, just sharing some frustration. I had an interview for an amazing in-house job in the state my husband and I really want to move to about 1.5 weeks ago (I posted before hand about interview nerves). The interviews went really well, and before I left, the HR person told me that I’d hear yes or no within 10 business days. She called me last Friday and said that the interviews went “extremely well,” but that they needed to move the notification deadline out, because they needed more time to make a decision. So now I’m supposed to hear in roughly a month. She also said that it was a “good thing.” I suppose it’s a “good thing” in that it’s not a “no,” but I had really hoped I’d have an answer, even if it were a “no,” by this week! Anyway, I’m trying to stay positive … and patient! But it’s hard.

    1. I’m surprised you heard back at all — that’s a good thing!!

      I interviewed for my (current) in-house job at the end of July 2 years ago, heard nothing for almost 6 weeks, then got a call back, then heard nothing for a further 2 and 1/2 weeks, then finally got a job offer. From experience with my company’s hiring practices over the past 2 years, I’d say that’s about average around here, and in-house jobs generally. Things move slowly in-house.

      1. Thanks – to be honest, I thought that the initial “10 business days” was pretty ambitious. I just hope they don’t move the date again a month from now. :)

  12. Anyone buy trip insurance and use it for a trip that needed to be canceled? My husband and I have a trip booked in a few weeks. We’re flying out from the midwest to Seattle and then San Diego. We’re staying with family in California and have a hotel booked through Hotwire for Seattle.

    There’s a small chance we may need to cancel due to a sick family member, but he may be better by the time we leave.

    Also, any recommendations of where to get good trip insurance? I think I used Insure My Trip once in the past, but not sure if there are other companies.

    1. Read the fine print, but you may need cancel for any reason insurance in order to be able to cancel for a sick family member. I’ve only purchased it once and I got it through the travel agent I booked my trip with. Cancel for any reason insurance is vastly more expensive than regular trip insurance; I think mine was something like 10% of the cost of the trip.

  13. For those of your who refinanced your student loans, how long did it take start to finish? Anything you wish you had known to make the process more efficient/smoother?

    1. Check a few different companies. I went through LendEDU (full disclosure, they later became a client of mine and still are…but I started working for them as a freelancer because I had such a good experience) so I could get a bunch of offers from different companies.

      Make sure you’re clear on variable versus fixed rates–I went with variable because I knew I would pay off my loan with a year, so I wanted the lowest rate possible.

      The whole thing took me about a week between application and the loan going through.

    2. With SoFi I think it took <10 min of actual time/effort on my part, with a few business days for all the paperwork to process through the various institutions.

    3. I think with SoFi I applied on a Thursday or Friday, they called me for a bit of additional documentation on Saturday, and I was approved on Monday. Way faster than I expected. It took about 2 weeks for all my loans to transfer to them.

      I learned that if you have a bad salary and can earn significant overtime, they’ll want to see a few recent pay stubs to confirm that. Everything else was really straightforward.

    4. Link in my name has my experience with SoFi. There are more companies out there now than when I refinanced to make sure to compare offers. Also, read the fine print. Some companies mimic some of the federal protections (loan discharged on death/disability) and some do not. I wish I had more seriously considered the variable rate option.

  14. I just spent a long weekend with extended family and I realized that the boyfriend of one of my relatives has never once asked me or my husband a personal question. He’s a mostly quiet guy by nature and will only really talk to people who ask him specific questions about his niche industry. I’m very close to my relative, who is thinking that this guy is her “forever boyfriend.” If she asks me how I got along with the boyfriend (which she sometimes does after these weekends), should I mention anything about it being hard to get to know him without any real conversation that goes two ways? I would normally let it go, but we might be seeing them as a couple quite a bit more in the days ahead.

    1. Omg chill! You have a peripheral maybe someday relative who, gasp of horror, politely refrains from asking you personal questions. This is a good thing. If she asks say “he seems very nice, are you happy?”

    2. I forget to ask people questions sometimes. I don’t mean to be rude, it’s just… I don’t know, sometimes I feel shy or self-conscious and my brain forgets to think of questions to ask someone. He might be a jerk, but he might also just be socially awkward.

    3. Maybe this is a just a “your tone isn’t translating well into written words” thing, but your post sounds like an overreaction to encountering someone who, it sounds like, is just introverted. If you feel like you must say something, it’d probably be a good idea to try to keep it more in the vein of “he’s pretty quiet, we’re looking forward to getting to know him better as he gets more comfortable with us,” and less in the vein of “what kind of terrible person doesn’t know how to make small talk when trapped with his SO’s family who he doesn’t know well for an entire long weekend?”, but you could also just, you know, not say anything and give everyone some time to get comfortable with each other before deciding you don’t like your relative’s SO and telling her so?

      I’m an extrovert and I like my in-laws, and I’ve been with my H for seven years now, and it’s STILL a challenge to spend an entire weekend with them in a house-sharing situation because I feel like I have to be “on” the entire time and it’s exhausting. So maybe, just maybe, if this guy is making your relative happy, you could cut him (and by extension, your relative) a break instead of judging?

    4. I should have clarified that this is not the first long weekend we have spent with him. We’ve probably been around each other for 10-14 days total over two years and he has never once asked so much as “how are you.” I didn’t realize it until this weekend since I usually talk to family a lot on these trips, but this time we had more time together where the only conversation came from me asking questions about his niche field.

      1. That’s not a lot of time to be around someone. And if he’s especially shy and uncomfortable around people he’s not familiar with, he could forget some of the social pleasantries. Was he shooting you eye daggers the whole time? If no, then he is just shy, and maybe needs you to break the ice before he engages in conversation. (And is probably too nervous to ask about you and your life for fear of embarrassing himself.)

        1. +1 – are there obviously lulls in the conversation that BF just isn’t filling? Are the conversations inclusive of people outside of the family, or a lot of family conversation about people he doesn’t know well and can’t contribute much on? Is “extended family” 5, 15 or 30 people? 15 or 30 people you don’t know very well is a lot. He may just be trying to remember the names of everyone and who is connected to who, much less the details of anyone’s life.

          1. We’re kind of well past that meeting-for-the-first-time point, though. That’s why it seems weird. He knows exactly who we are, I’m one of my relative’s closest friends, and she wants us to be friends. I just feel like I’m doing all the work and I’m a introvert myself. Maybe I’m overreacting, though.

    5. As an introvert, I say give the guy a break! He’s probably nervous and not sure what to say. I’m also not sure what you mean by “a personal question” but I often worry about whether a question is too intimate to ask, so I often find myself making small talk about more meaningless subjects. I know others with social anxiety who struggle with the “is this inappropriate to ask” line. So please give this guy the benefit of the doubt that he is just shy and socially awkward and will open up as you get to know him.

    6. Maybe he’s just shy or introverted and was overwhelmed. I don’t think there’s really anything to say about that.

    7. I’d let it go…. You have described my husband. He talks to me. He’s pretty quiet around other people, including my relatives, and we’ve been together for over 10 years. He values his privacy a lot and would feel like he was inappropriately prying if he asked people personal questions. If your relative is happy, let her be happy.

    8. My husband is your relatives BF. That’s just his personality. He’s kind of standoffish, not super into social chit chat and *definately* not the personal kind (i.e. If he’s going to chat you up, it’ll be about the weather/news/whatever can asking personal questions). I do a lot of the friendship building for us as a couple. Try and get your relative and her guy together and chat with them both at the same time, she’ll probably be able to draw him out a bit. Or do some kind of physical activity together to bond over- golf, mini golf, frisbee, boating, whatever. My guy is a lot chattier when he’s out taking people sailing or whatever.

    9. Some people aren’t good at small talk. There was a post on Ask A Manager related to small talk in the work place. It was interesting reading the comments.

    10. I think this is a situation where you could profitably apply Senior Attorney’s Rule 7: Presume Good Intentions. Maybe he’s an introvert, maybe he’s trying not to be nosy, maybe he isn’t good at small talk, maybe he’s the best guy for your relative in the whole wide world but has a funny way of showing it.

      If she asks how you got along, you can say “can’t wait to get to know him better!”

        1. Can you please post all of your rules? Maybe Kat can do a post just on your rules?

          1. I posted them maybe last week so I’m hesitant to post again so soon. If you want to email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail I’ll send ’em to ya…

    11. Idk I think “it’s hard to get to know him” is a fair comment as long as you’re asking for advice, not just criticizing the guy. Maybe your relative can suggest some topics of conversation.

      Do you usually see him in a big group? And everyone in this big group except for him has common interests and stories to share? That can be a really intimidating thing to come into for anyone, but particularly someone who’s naturally introverted. You may find that he’s a lot more animated when it’s just the two couples.

    12. Just to give another perspective here – my BIL is like this. Has never gone out of his way to make any conversation with anyone in my family. It’s been 8 years and is still the same. He has turned out to be a real t u r d.

  15. I’m in search of a late February-early April, 7-day (+/-) vacation with DH. I’m Boston based, looking for Zika-free destinations. We like off-the-beaten-path stuff (ie: we’re rather visit a countryside or small town in Italy than Rome). Budget is TBD. It’s a bit of a splurge, but not wanting to break the bank — something memorable before we have kids and a looming promotion that will needs us to stay put for sometime. The cold doesn’t bother us, but we are going to be in the depths of winter at home so ideally we’d be somewhere a touch warmer. I have Europe on the brain, but not sure where or if there’s somewhere else to go.

    Ideas?

    1. Most of Germany and Austria are off the beaten track for English speaking tourists – I spent a year in Konstanz and loved it; I can also recommend Innsbruck (though it will still be ski season there).

    2. Sicily! We went in early April a few years ago and the weather was perfect. We went with a young toddler, but it would be a perfect pre-kids trip, too, because you can take on more driving to see more of the island and more adventure (like snorkeling around ruins and hiking Mt. Edna).

    3. Europe makes sense given your East Coast location and desire to avoid the Caribbean and Mexico due to Zika. I did Barcelona on spring break (March) once and it was great. The weather was really nice (sunny and in the 60s) and it was great to see the city at a much less crowded time of year. I’ve also been in Paris in March and had lovely weather. On the other hand, we once went to Venice at that time of year and it rained the entire time and was freezing and it was a pretty miserable trip. I don’t think it’s that Venice has worse weather in March than Paris and Barcelona. I think it’s just that March-early April is really a crapshoot in terms of weather in most of Europe. But Europe along the Mediterranean should definitely be warmer than Boston.

      1. I was going to suggest the same thing — you could go to Fez and Chefchaouen. We stayed at the beautiful Riad Laaroussa in Fez on our honeymoon, and it was a great combination of “off the beaten path” + luxury. Getting lost in the medina is such a fun way to spend the day, and you can come home to the hotel for massages and hammam and delicious food. There’s good hiking around Chefchaouen and it’s just a quiet little town in the mountains, but beautiful. Maybe you could add Essaouira for some beach time (not sure how the weather will be that time of year, though).

      2. Essaouira will be very windy but quite interesting as a calm city to walk a bit. Outside of festivals it is never full. The only issue is that Chefchaouen is in the North, Fez in the Center and Essaouira is far from both so adding Essaouira to your itinerary will depend on how much time you want to spend on the road.
        If you end up going to Fez, try visiting Volubilis for the ruins, and any of the small towns around, they are less touristy places

        1. Yeah good point (never been to Essaouira! yet?) re: distances. We got a ride from Fez to Chaouen (and then flew out of Tangier — I want to say we took a bus between?) and it was pretty painless. I’ve also taken the bus between Fez and Chaouen, which was a lot less pleasant. But yes yes yes to Volubilis! We were there in April and there were wildflowers everywhere and it was gorgeous and empty. You can swing by Moulay Idriss too. Or if you don’t want to schlep all over, drop Chefchaouen (even though it’s so pretty) and then just go to Fez and Meknes and the smaller towns in between.

          (OK I am really just fantasy trip planning for myself here.)

      3. Check out the Andalusian cities of Spain along the south and Morocco. Looooooooooove both of these countries. Highly recommend Fes. Marrakech is okay, apparently there’s nothing to do in Casablanca. Chefchaouen is pretty from the outside but also, not much to do in the actual town.

    4. That’s a great time of the year to go to Ushuaia and Patagonia. You could even go to Antarctica.

      1. You can’t go to Antarctica in one week. The cruises that go there are all at least 10 days long, and then you have to allow time to get to and from Ushuaia. Plus, it doesn’t fit the criteria of “not breaking the bank.” It’s literally the most expensive place on Earth.

        1. OP did say 7+ days so could extend to 10 days and is willing to “splurge.” Perhaps reread the question before criticizing?

          1. It wasn’t a personal attack on you. Good grief. She said “bit of a splurge, but not wanting to break the bank” and that simply does not describe a place that is MINIMUM $10K per person and often $20K or more. And 10 days total is still nowhere near enough time. You have to get to and from Argentina from the states, and then to Ushuaia within Argentina, usually at least a couple days before the cruise leaves (in case there are delays) and then 10 days – 2 weeks (usually the latter) on the boat. I know several people who have gone and I don’t know anyone who has taken less than 3 weeks off work total. It’s an unbelievable trip, but it doesn’t fit OP’s parameters at all.

    5. If you’ve ever wanted to go somewhere very far away, like New Zealand, Thailand, etc, now is the chance before kids come into the picture. Europe isn’t that far of a flight from Boston, so if you’re an adventurous traveler you could still make it over for a short vacation once kids come along, maybe. Also, I think Chile is free of the zika mosquito.

      1. I went to Thailand last year, and while it was awesome, it’s not a place I’d recommend if you have 7 days and are coming from the East Coast. It was 20 hours of flight time each way (actual flight time; not including layovers and showing up to the airport 3 hours before the flight because of the crazy TSA lines). You will literally spend half your week off on an airplane.

        1. You make up for it on the way back, though – so “half your week” isn’t quite accurate. I did this last month. I left on a Friday morning and arrived at my final destination on a Saturday afternoon. On the way back, I left Tuesday morning and arrived back in the States also Tuesday.

          Especially if you can swing business class tickets. Thailand, even done nicely, is cheap.

    6. I went to Genoa, Italy for part of my honeymoon and found it to be super interesting. It’s definitely not a big tourist destination but it’s rich with history and has some of the most interesting architecture I’ve ever seen. It’s also not far from the French Riveria if you wanted that experience too.

      I also loved exploring the Tuscan countryside if you’re into wine!

    7. Greece? The weather there is usually pretty nice in March and April. 48 hours in Athens, plus four to five days on one of the islands would be a perfect seven day vacation. Just make sure you avoid Greek Orthodox Easter (which is different from Catholic/Protestant Easter, I think).

    8. I just purchased tickets to Milan for October because they were $450!! (I posted on the weekend thread). I just looked for next March and they are still only $530. You could easily get to all the cute little Tuscan towns from Milan, or go to Florence. This is assuming a flight from NY.

      I went to Tuscany in March several years ago, and it was beautiful and even less crowded than I imagine it normally is.

  16. I’m a mid-level litigator at an NYC BigLaw firm and will be starting a clerkship shortly in another city (federal district). I’m starting to think about next steps after my clerkship ends. I may return to my firm briefly (for financial reasons, mostly, and also to focus on clerking instead of job hunting and have more time to figure out what I want to do), but I don’t want to spend my career at a law firm. I know it’s a little early to start thinking about this, particularly if I do go back to my firm for a year or two, but I’m pretty lost in terms of what I want out of my career and where I want to live and could use some help figuring out how to figure it out.

    In an ideal world, I’d have a fast-paced, interesting lawyer job but with reasonable hours (exceptions for trials/occasional fire drills/etc.), a variety of different types of work, a pleasant place to work, and lots of travel (especially internationally, with a possibility for even living overseas at some point, although n.b. I have no language skills right now). I’m leaning towards government or in-house jobs. Perhaps it sounds crazy that I don’t have any specific practice area interests, but I don’t really, I have enjoyed working on many different types of cases. I really just love being a lawyer (so that’s one decision down!). I’m currently in NYC, but I want to leave (lots of reasons: cost of living, not outdoorsy enough, hate being single here, many friends moving away, after a decade the excitement doesn’t make up for hard stuff anymore, and I need a change/more relaxed life). My clerkship is in another East Coast city (my application process was basically: judges in cities that sound cool that are not NYC). I have no ties to that city and don’t know whether I’ll want to stay, but I’m open to it. I’m also open to moving somewhere else — SF, LA, Seattle, Portland, Denver, Chicago, Austin, somewhere else on the East Coast, who knows! Going West sounds most exciting right now but I’m open to staying on this coast. If it helps I’m early 30’s, single, liberal, with hopes of someday meeting someone and having a family. How hard is it to break into a new legal market when you have NYC BigLaw + clerkship on your resume and no connections to the new city? Is starting off at another BigLaw firm in the new city the only way to make that move? What are some of the best resources for learning about government jobs for litigators? What federal options are there in cities other than DC, aside from AUSA jobs (which I am also considering)? Same question about reasons for in-house jobs? Am I correct that it would be pretty difficult to move directly from a clerkship to an in-house position? Is there any new city/job scenario in which I wouldn’t be committing to spending many years in whatever city I pick (what if I end up not liking it there?)?

    On one hand my situation is pretty cool — I have no family keeping me somewhere and no burning interests pulling me in one direction or another, so I can go ANYWHERE! and do ANYTHING! — but on the other hand it’s really stressful because (1) where do I start?? and (2) any direction I go in from here closes doors so that raises the costs of picking incorrectly. I’m also finding that many people at my stage in their law careers have a DREAM JOB that they are incredibly passionate about and have spent years building a resume for, so I’m concerned that I won’t be competitive for certain positions against someone who has always wanted it (e.g. being an AUSA… I think it would be really cool but it’s not the ONE THING I’ve always wanted to do, and most of my colleagues who are currently applying have that level of conviction. Also it’s all about connections and my only ones are in NYC, where I don’t want to be.). I’m so sorry this ended up so long! Any ideas/thoughts/advice you have would be awesome.

    1. A few scattered thoughts:

      -Re: other government options in non-DC places: Generally it’ll be AUSA, branches of fed agencies, or, if you’re open to it, state/local government opportunities
      -Who are these “many people” with “dream jobs” as mid-level litigators? I’m a mid-level litigator, and I think I know maybe a handful (all of whom are either partner-fast-track by choice, or working in non-profits by choice); so, basically, chill out on that front
      -Cities where my friends who are single in their 30s and left NYC are doing well/are happy, for you to consider: DC, Chicago, Boston, and (weirdly) Annapolis
      -NYC Biglaw + clerkship is an excellent resume, you shouldn’t have too much of an issue finding a job in other markets, but be prepared to make an enthusiastic case for why you’re moving to the employer’s location

      If I were in your shoes, I’d be looking at AUSA/DOJ litigator opportunities – the schedule pretty much fits what you describe, and if you get into the right division, there are international travel opportunities, although you’ll probably have to put in some time before you’re eligible for them. Also, I don’t think it’s considered unusual to apply to AUSA positions all over the country – the positions are competitive, particularly in smaller cities, and lots of people start out in larger offices (SD Florida, in particular, comes to mind, along with SDNY and EDNY) with the intention of eventually transferring back to a smaller home city, so if you can sound reasonably convincing about why you really want to do the job itself, they probably won’t be as likely as, say, an employer looking for in-house counsel to be concerned about whether you’re a “flight risk.”

      1. re the “dream job,” I understood her to mean that the people she knows have a dream about a particular job that they ardently desire, not that they are currently working their dream job.

    2. Can’t respond to all of your concerns but I’d say — spend time DURING your clerkship figuring out where you want to live next. You do have that kind of time, where you can travel to interview at firms in other places. And then get yourself a big firm gig in a city that isn’t NYC. I know you said you want to come back to your firm for financial reasons — I assume that means the clerkship bonus. That’s fine but you’ll get the same bonus from any other competing firm in any other city.

      I had a similar trajectory to yours — NYC litigation for 2 yrs; wanted to leave NYC and clerk so I went to a secondary market on the east coast to clerk; I knew I didn’t want to be in NYC long term but didn’t put a whole lot of effort in during my clerkship to figure out what I wanted — so I came back to my NYC firm as a 4th yr; stayed yrs 4-8; LOVED yrs 4-6 in terms of the experience and work; and then yr 7 when I was told they’d never make me partner no matter what (firm financial issues), I then started looking in other cities; and it was REALLY REALLY hard to convince people that I wanted to leave NYC after 8 yrs there (and I did NOT want to go back to my home city on the east coast so everyplace I was applying, I had zero city ties which made my story harder to believe than someone who was wanting to come home to Chicago). And for me, it was not a case of –alls well that ends well — bc I am now out of firm life (not by choice) stuck in a gov’t job I hate.

      So put in the time in the next yr to figure out what you really want so you end up in a better position.

    3. If you want a fast paced, varied, lawyer job with a potential for world travel and not the worst hours you can imagine (though I do have to say, jobs with lots of travel are generally jobs with lots of hours…), you should go in-house at a multinational. This won’t be the easiest thing in the world since (1) you are a litigator, and relatively few in-house jobs are in litigation and (2) you will be coming from a clerkship instead of a law firm doing work for that client. But if you are willing to work at the government, you aren’t a person who needs a high salary. So you can go and take a pretty junior job at a big company – in fact, lots of in-house folks started their careers as law firm litigators and retrained in another area of the law when they went in-house. Good luck!

      1. Serious question: If you need “retrained” for the new in house job, how can you convince the corporation to interview you, let alone land the job? It seems like every in house job I see is looking for a very specific background that basically precludes me from getting even close to an interview.

        1. For junior level in house jobs, go ahead and apply where you are not qualified (men do it!) and say that you’ve been a litigator and you really want to learn this area. Definitely, where I work, we hire internally for aptitude and attitude, and bring in outside counsel for specialty knowledge.

    4. If you want to work for the government, there are many DOJ offices where the attorneys travel frequently.

  17. I think I just need a hug, but advice would be welcome too. Last year my company moved me back to the US after having an overseas position, which resulted in me breaking up with my boyfriend at the time due to the extreme distance and some lack of commitment on his part. Except I hate my new position and due to a lot of corporate reorgs, my once exciting and upward-moving career seems to have stalled and is now just filled with politics and drama. And I just recently found out the ex has moved on and has a new girlfriend, which hurts so much I feel physically ill anytime someone mentions it. There’s also the chance work will make me go back overseas and the idea of being in the same place as him and having to see him with someone else is devastating.

    I just feel so lost and bitter and broken. I’ve always been career oriented and willing to make sacrifices for it, but now I feel like I’ve just wound up in my mid 30s with nothing to show for it – no boyfriend, no close friends and a job that makes me absolutely miserable. I’ve been looking for a new job for months, but aside from that, is there anything else I could be doing? I don’t feel like I’m in a good enough place mentally to try dating someone new. Is this the kind of thing people go to therapy for?

    1. “Is this the kind of thing people go to therapy for?”

      Yes. It helps. Source: could have written this word for word minus the overseas bit.

    2. This sucks, I am sorry. Give yourself some time to process this. Because it sounds (based on the fact that a break-up from last year suddenly hurts) like you haven’t worked through the grieving for that breakup. I don’t mean to say that you want this relationship back, just that maybe you were busy enough to not emotionally deal with the breakup.
      If you think that might be true, go a slower pace for a couple of weeks, practice self-care.

    3. Yes, this is something people go to therapy for. This post is an example of what my therapist calls a panic spiral. One event, here the new girlfriend, sends you into a tailspin of second-guessing and worst-case-scenario-ing every decision over the last two years, and extrapolating that forward in time as well. Cognitive behavioral therapy can provide strategies for reframing and dealing with these kind of thought patterns. For me, this kind of thinking stems from anxiety.

      I am super logical, so it helps me to point out the flaws in my thinking when I get like this. How speculative the chain of events is and pointing out myself what triggered the panic spiral. It also helps to remember that the “what would have happened” narrative you are currently telling yourself (If you hadn’t moved, you’d be blissfully in a perfect relationship with ex, friends who love you, and in a job and location you love) isn’t true. Things weren’t as perfect as you remember them and bumps in the road would have happened in that alternative narrative as well. Its a fairytale, not an alternative universe.

      Brains can be nasty things; hugs to you as you move forward. I would highly recommend a good therapist.

    4. I’m so sorry. Break-ups are hard, especially since it sounds like you didn’t really want to. Before focusing on dating, you should focus on you. Even though I know it feels like, you do not have “nothing to show for it”. You just don’t have the societal norms, and that is ok. You just spend a few years abroad! You’ve probably had some great experiences that make you who you are. Do you have any hobbies? Is there anything you’d like to pursue outside of work?

      Therapy can help you work out some of these emotions, but you need to figure out what makes you happy (that isn’t a boy).

      1. Thank you ladies, your comments certainly help. I think what set off this recent bout of anxiety was learning that I might have to move back overseas, which is what I’ve been hoping would happen for the last nine months, except now it seems too little too late. But I think I will explore some therapy options just so these crappy life things don’t seem quite so overwhelming.

  18. Talk to me about your office policies on schedule, hours in the office, core working hours, flextime, etc. I’ve been asked to explore changes to our current rigid and very outdated policy, and am not sure where to begin. Thanks in advance!

    1. My mom works flextime. Between 10 am to 2 pm are core times, so if employees work 8h workdays, everyone can see each other for at least 50% of the time. Early and late limits are when building is locked. People take turns covering late shift of costumer support.
      In case there will be resistance to these changes, you could also list good reasons for introducing flexibility (not sure from your post whether this will be an issue):
      -flextime helps with limited parking/otherwise tight infrastructure
      -enables longer hours where clients/costumers can reach the office
      -employees can work during their most productive time of day
      -employees with autonomy are more motivated

    2. Old company: office was open 8:30-5:30 and that was pretty rigid. There was a lot of resentment as upper management preached a “flexible workplace” and made use of it, but the “underlings” weren’t permitted to take advantage of it.

      New company: they don’t want to spend more money on leases, so telecommuting is encouraged. It is very much “get your work done and don’t worry about the hours.” Many are on a schedule where they only come into the office 2x a week (me included). The people that need to be in the office everyday have lots of flexibility. The office is officially open 8:30-5:30, but people come in as early as 6:30 am and are there as late as 8pm.

    3. I work for the government and we have a number of flex time options:

      1. 5/4/9. You work 9 hour days for 8 days of every pay period, and then an 8 hour day and then have a day off
      2. 4/10 You work 4 10 hour days each week.
      3. Flexible .. you have a standard schedule, but can flex your arrival and departure up to an hour each way (so if your schedule is 7-3:30 you can arrive a 6 and leave at 2:30, or arrive at 8 and leave at 4:30
      5. Something called maxi flex that no managers even pretend to understand
      6. Credit you can earn up to 1.5 credit hours each day by coming in early or staying late and then use that credited time to take time off, there are all sorts of limits on how many hours you can accrue, and when you can use them.

      1. This is totally amazing.

        Nothing like this is in my field.

        Can you use all the different options, intermingled, or do you have to commit to one for a certain period of time?

        1. I am a fed and I do maxiflex + an RDO (…ish… #1 above) I will endeavor to explain because I have spent a lot of time on this. Obviously, all specific to my agency. YMMV.

          My understanding of maxiflex: you set your schedule for each pay period, working with your manager, given:
          -We have core hours of 9:30 to 2:30.
          -You cannot work more than 2 10 hour days each week.
          -You can work your 80 hours over less than 10 days.
          -So when you add those last two rules together, you can have a 9 day pay period but not an 8 day pay period (this would be #2 above, a 4/10)

          An RDO is, by my agency, defined as a regular day off. This can be in the context of a set 9 hour day schedule (4/5/9 or RDO schedule), or a schedule like maxiflex. But because maxiflex allows me to set my schedule every pay period, my “regular” day off can and does move depending on the needs of my team and my own schedule – it is not a true RDO.

          So my RDO is the second Monday of the pay period unless my manager and I discuss otherwise, which we do. I took last Thursday off because I had a friend in town. I can’t have a fixed Friday RDO because those days are already taken on my team, but if I’d otherwise be using leave I can move my day off that pay period to Friday. I also get an in lieu of RDO on a Friday if my scheduled RDO falls on a Monday holiday. On the flip side, I have a coworker who has what I would call a “true” RDO in that it is 100% fixed and he never comes in to the office on that day – second Wednesday – but is otherwise on maxiflex.

          It’s amazing. I love it. And it lets me save my leave for real vacations. I have this grand vision of corraling all my appointments and errands to my RDO but it hasn’t happened yet. Luckily, I have sick leave to use for doctors and medical things. But I work on a team that is deep enough to provide coverage and communicates well on our issues, and is conducive to this type of work. I’ve worked in offices where it absolutely would not work.

  19. I’m moving soon and need ideas about how to get rid of all those Sephora samples I gamely ordered and then ignored. Just throw them? Goodwill? Other ideas? No sisters/nieces who would like them….

    1. Our Ronald McDonald House loves to have samples on hand for guests who were rushed/flown to the hospital themselves or with a sick kid.

    2. I just brought mine into work and left them in the women’s restroom with a “Free” sign. But I work in an office with a strong “free bin” mentality.

  20. Just..venting I guess, or looking for sympathy.

    I have an older brother who is extremely kind, and my exact opposite. While I opted to go the lower-pay-but-happy route, he went full throttle into the high-powered corporate world.

    He now makes a high six-figure income, has an incredible career, a gorgeous house, a Maserati and a “backup” BMW for snowy days.

    But he recently admitted he’s miserable and jealous of me. While I’m decently well off, I’m firmly middle class. But I’m married, have a job I love and a lot of free time. My brother is rich and alone, and works such long hours, meeting people has been brutal. When he has dated and found women he was really interested in, they couldn’t handle his very demanding work schedule.

    I don’t really know what to tell him–as long as he keeps these work hours, meeting someone is going to be hard. He really loves his job, but it’s certainly keeping him from the other parts of life.

    What advice would you give? (And any women in the Philadelphia area looking for a 34 year old, extremely successful guy…I’m only partially joking)

    1. If he really loves his job, then I think he should just keep going and trying to meet people. There is a match for everyone, and there are plenty of women who are cool with a guy with a demanding work schedule. Or is there a slightly lower powered option that allows him to do mostly the same work but have more free time?

      1. His job is such is that, to take any step back, he’s lose his job. It’s very much an all-in or nothing field.

        Moreover, he really does love his work, so I don’t think he’d be willing to change anyway.

        1. It’s great that he loves his work. I really do believe that there are women who are up for that kind of work schedule. My husband and I both have that kind of work schedule, and it works because both of us love what we do and the other gets it. We’d both like more free time, but we enjoy what we have. We also don’t have kids, though, so I’m not saying there aren’t things you’d have to give up.

        2. I don’t think he is looking for advice. He’s made his choices, by are large he wants to stick with them, but in this one way they suck. Just be sympathetic.

          You obviously think the time is the problem, but loads of busy successful men have found partners. I don’t think it necessarily is true that it’s just a busy-ness thing. Sometimes you just haven’t met the right person yet and it is sad.

          1. You’re right; I’m going off of the few conversations I’ve had with his exes who asked how they could convince him to spend less time at work. But plenty of guys make it work.

    2. If he is truly, truly looking for advice and is open to actually making chagnes, I think the advice is that you have to compromise your work life if you want to make time for a personal life. You really cannot have it all. You cannot work 100 hours a week and have the type of time that it takes to cultivate a meaningful relationship, IMO.

      That said, if he is really only looking for the advice of where to find a woman and he isn’t interested in making any changes, I am not sure there is any useful advice to give him and you should just let him vent.

      I’ll let you know next time I skip over to Philly though ;)

      1. My second paragraph is a little harsh and I suppose there are women out there who would be okay with this. Honestly, I am so fed up with dating and relationships, I can kind of see myself being interested in a oh we see each other once a month type deal. I am only partially kidding.

        If he can’t lean out a bit at work, I think he is just going to have to keep trying to meet people however he can and he should be upfront about his work schedule so that they don’t get too far down the road and it becomes upsetting for everyone.

        1. No not harsh at all, it’s true. I think while he’s complaining, he really sint going to change–he likes what he does too much.

    3. The advice I’d give is that he needs to own his choices. I mean, you’ve laid out the problem pretty clearly here – he has a job he likes that compensates him well and consumes so much of his life he doesn’t have time to meet people (or when he meets them, the work schedule interferes with his ability to build/maintain the kind of relationship he’s looking for). There’s no magic spell that’s going to create a world where his current lifestyle suddenly becomes compatible with having time for an SO, a family, etc. He’s making a choice to continue a life that blocks him from having those things – is a job he loves and a Maserati worth it? I’m not asking to be snarky, I’m really asking – for some people, the job they love and the Maserati are 100% worth the trade-off of a more solitary life, and if he’s one of those people, there’s nothing wrong with that, but he needs to own it as a decision he’s making, instead of treating it like some outside force that is happening to him. Recognizing the situation as the result of a decision within his control might help him achieve some clarity about what (if anything) he wants do about it.

    4. How often was he seeing these women? I get having a demanding schedule, but at minimum I think he should be able to make a date in advance and keep to it, and then be able to see someone twice a week, if he’s dating them. If he’s not doing that (especially the first one, about setting a date ahead of time and actually following through instead of saying “how about Thursday?” and then flaking out at the last minute), then I can see it causing trouble.

      1. So he really did make an effort to go on formal dates at least twice a week and he never flaked or canceled (and he really planned good dates, not just a tired stumble over to Olive Garden–he would book a play at Walnut Street theater with accompanying dinner reservations, sports’ tickets, etc).

        They seemed to just be upset that outside those set dates, he wasn’t available for impromptu phone chats, Netflix after work, etc. When he doesn’t have a set appointment, he’s often working until 10pm, so that wasnt an option with him

        1. You can probably make a case that he could probably try texting more throughout the day, but honestly, it sounds like he just hasn’t found the right person yet. It sounds like he’s just not going to go out Saturday night and have have a lazy brunch with his date the next day. Some people are fine, but others need that kind of lazy, non-scheduled casual connection you get from just hanging out doing nothing. I am not single anymore, but two years ago I would have been all over a guy like that. He just needs someone who is similarly independent.

        2. Maybe one of the “formal” dates shouldn’t be so formal. If you only see someone during a scheduled, big deal kind of event, do you really get to know them? Perhaps one of the scheduled dates should be more of a “let’s wing it” event. People connect while going for walks, arguing over who wants what for dinner, etc. It would be hard to be in a relationship that was structured all the time.

        3. You just described my perfect relationship! I think he just hasn’t met the right person. But if I move to the philly area, I’ll let you know :-)

    5. I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, but is there perhaps something else going on with why he can’t find someone? In my experience, lots of lovely women are willing to put up with a SO’s demanding career. H*ll, I know lots of lovely women who are willing to put up with dead end careers and guys who barely make an effort so if your brother is able to meet for even 1 date a week, I would expect that there are women out there for him. And if he loves his job, I wouldn’t advise him to just give up on it. 34 is not old and hopeless (esp. for a man in the eyes of society).

      1. No dont worry about being unsympathetic! I admit I wonder that there is something else going on too.

        The few I’ve met I’ve known instantly were not going to work out. They were very into a much more low-key mode of living, and solely worked to pay the bills, not to climb the corporate ladder (NOTHING wrong with that mindset, it’s what I do myself, but that just isn’t going to work with his OMG I MUST BE CEO BY 25 mentality)

        1. This all sounds really weird to me. When I was in Big Law, all the guys, even the ones your brother’s age, had or wanted stay-at-home wives or women who had VERY low key, traditionally feminine careers (preschool teacher, SoulCycle instructor, etc.) and had no problem finding these women. I get that he is super passionate about his career, but is he expecting the same of his partner? And if so, why? There are tons of women out there who don’t love their careers and would be thrilled to cut back/stay at home in order to support a husband’s career and raise a family. And from what I’ve heard, both here and through friends, their are tons of single, ambitious, career-oriented women who can’t find a guy that is ok with their ambitions. It seems like your brother would be hugely desirable to one or both groups of women and there’s probably more to this story than just “he works long hours and can’t meet people.”

          1. He really isn’t interested in the stay-at-home wife thing, he’s very much interested in career-minded women–I’m not sure if it’s the area he’s in (he works in Center City, but lives in about an hour outside in West Chester) or what.

          2. Well yeah? I don’t really get why single people looking to meet someone who have tons of money would move to a house in the suburbs. That’s not where the single ladies working hard are.

          3. Ok, so he doesn’t want an aspiring SAHM. But I still think there are tons of single women in their 30s who are career-minded and would love a guy who gets that. The fact that the women he’s brought home to meet his family aren’t career-minded suggests that although he says he wants a career-oriented women, he’s not following through on that. He’s made a conscious choice to date these women who aren’t career-oriented in the past and you/he need to accept that his actions say a lot more than his words.

          4. KT, it’s where he lives – he needs to move into the city! The average ambitious single career woman is not buying herself a house in a suburb an hour outside of the city – she has a condo ten minutes from her job. (Also, it’d be a lot easier for him to manage an impromptu night out – even if it was just quick drinks at 9 or 10 or whatever – if he didn’t have to take on an hour trip home at night!)

          5. ^I hear you…when he bought the house, he was headquartered 5 minutes away…he only got recently transferred to CC, so he’s looking into selling his home

        1. hahahaha this is true. I freely admit he needs help in that area. I told him allowing my mom to buy him outfits was going to sound weird, even if it was solely because he doesn’t understand how colors go together.

          Thankfully, he agreed to my suggestion he show up at Nordstroms, tell the personals hopper he was willing to spend a few thousand, and off he went. The shopper made it a pretty idiot-proof wardrobe he can mix and match without screwing up.

    6. Well seeing as how you are only partially joking, many of my single girlfriends would LOVE to meet you brother. Most of them are in law and want to find someone who is on their level in terms of intelligence and ambition. And since they also have demanding careers, they want to find someone who understands. Most of my girlfriends complain about dating guys in Philly who are 1) intimidated by their careers 2) lack ambition 3) don’t understand that they are sometimes tied up and can’t spend all of their free time together. Let me know!

      1. ummmmmmmmm yeah let’s do this!

        He isn’t in law, but is ridiculously smart and ambitious and wants a career-focused woman too. Our mom is basically a genius and always worked, so there’s no being intimidated by anyone’s else’s success.

        Click on my name for the link and click on the contact page for my email!

        1. I’m sending my friend to you. She loves Philly, currently in NYC and would love a career minded guy. She’s likewise unavailable and busy for work often, but make relationships a priority and needs to find a guy who would understand that.

      2. Seriously, anyone in Southern California with a kind, driven brother or single guy friend who’s interested in a high-achieving, driven chick, please send them my way. My single girlfriends and I would LOVE to meet those men–there just aren’t enough of them in LA.

    7. Haha, as I was reading it I thought, dang I know people who would want to meet him, where is he? Alas, no single friends in Philly.

      That should tell you that there are women who are OK with it. In fact, I am one of them! Fiance is in finance and works a loooooot. I was formerly in biglaw, so it worked out perfectly because I had previously worried about me being the one that was busy and the guy not understanding. Because work was so busy for me, I wasn’t stressed out and worried that he wasn’t texting me all day and needing to see me every day. We made it work; I think your brother can, too. Try online dating or asking friends/work colleagues, or if he has time for lunch, is there a place where everyone who works goes to lunch, so he can find women with similar demanding schedules? I think he should go after a confident busy woman who understands his work schedule. Biglaw, finance, consulting, accounting firms, etc. would likely have a larger proportion of these women, but they are everywhere!

    8. You can try hooking him up with a nice, intelligent, attractive attorney like me in Jersey :)

    9. As a person who enjoys solitude, this sounds great! However, I could see how it is a problem during an emergency when moral or emotional support is desired, and throwing money at the problem does not provide a complete solution.

  21. What did you do to celebrate or commemorate your 30th birthday (or another milestone birthday)?

    1. Went out to a fancy dinner with my immediate family and closest friends, courtesy of my parents.

    2. Invited my best friend to come stay with me for a weekend in my big city — I took a day off from work and we enjoyed ourselves ridiculously.

    3. Went to Vegas with my husband. Nothing wild, just a weekend of eating all the things and enjoying a stay in a fancy hotel

      1. Same! We laid by the pool, I had a great massage, and we ate and drank constantly for 3 days.

    4. Went to Asheville with my now-husband during peak fall colors. Neither of us had been before.

    5. Went to Charleston for a long weekend to hang out with some college friends I hadn’t seen since college, drank too much, had a lot of shenanigans, and had an overall blast.

    6. My 40th is coming up and I am training for my first road race. For my 30th I was a pregnant 2L so I spent the day alternating between throwing up and cite-checking.

    7. Went to New Orleans over Halloween weekend with a big group of friends. Rented a house, had costume makeup done professionally, drank lots of dacquiris, saw some live brass music, and ate lots of junk food. It was amazing!

    8. Right hand ring. And I made a list of things I should accomplish by 30 and I accomplished them OR decided to unburden myself with them. (Example: decided on a uniform for me, check, decided to never run a marathon, check.)

  22. Best spotify/pandora playlists/stations?

    I spent several hours on Reddit’s ADD forum (not ironically), and it looks like there’s a lot to be said for music w/o words for focus. I normally do the film scores/targeted “focus” lists, but I’m a little bored with them.

  23. Did you do anything to get your body “pregnancy ready”?

    Hub and I plan on trying in a little less than a year. I’ll be 27. Vain, yep, but I want pregnancy to wreak as little havoc on my body as possible. Are there things I can do now – get really fit? use oil or something on my tummy – that will help me bounce back?

    I also want to just be really healthy for my baby. I live in NYC, drink a fair amount, use non-green cleaning products etc. I eat well and am healthy-ish, but I feel like I could be healthier.

    We live in an old house and are going to get an environmental assessment for lead paint, etc. Have any of you done that?

    Yeah, I know, having a baby will make my body a wonderful battle wound or whatever. But I like my body, and want to nurture it as much as possible.

    1. Girl calm. If you want, go right ahead and get in great shape and dial back the drinking. Stretch marks are largely genetic, no point in oiling up now. But honestly work on self acceptance.

      1. +1

        I have two siblings. My mom is tall and thin and healthy and always has been. When she was pregnant with me, she gained approximately 20-25 lbs. When she was pregnant with my two siblings, she exercised the same, ate the same, etc. as with me, had similarly complication-free pregnancies, and gained 55 lbs with each of them.

        She bounced back in case you were wondering.

        Moral of the story – the baby is in charge, not you. Seriously there is SO much out of your control, and if you’re going into this with a “I don’t want to hate my body when I’m done” attitude, you need to work on why your body image stat.

    2. My one piece of advice on getting your body “ready” that has nothing to do with what you said – if you are on hormonal birth control, stop using it now (switch to condoms till you’re ready). I didn’t have a period for over 7 months after coming off of it, and even then it was so infrequent that I needed medical intervention to get pregnant. I was also 26 when I went off of it, so don’t think age immunizes you to this.

      Otherwise, chill out. You don’t need to be a fitness model to have a healthy pregnancy and get back in shape after.

    3. Um, chill? Stress is bad for babies too, you know. The general advice is to get yourself healthy before pregnancy, including regular exercise and eating well. Maybe cut back on alcohol if you drink a lot. Any OBGYN will tell you to start prenatal vitamins a few months before TTC. But the green cleaning products and lead paint assessments seems over the top. And I second the anon above me who said work on self-acceptance. It’s sad that you’re already worried about “bouncing back” and want to oil your stomach before there’s even anything in there.

      1. I agree that OP should relax but I think the decision to have a baby can feel overwhelming and it’s easy to focus on the superficial things within our control so as to not worry about the things that are much harder to control like will my kids be healthy, will we be good parents, how is this going to affect our relationship, etc. Vain as it sounds, I remember briefly wanting to get “in shape” so that I could be “really cute pregnant”…. I think it’s normal.

        My advice:
        1. Yes, stop hormonal birth control now
        2. Start taking a good multi vitamin with the required level of folic acid (I don’t think you need a prenatal as long as the levels are what they should be; I took Garden of Life Raw One Women’s one-a-days)
        3. If you really want to do something physical to prepare, go to a yoga class. There are studies that suggest yoga will actually lessen the duration of your labor a bit and hey, every little bit counts.
        4. Maybe start paying attention to your cycle a bit, if you aren’t already.

        Other than that, I’d enjoy my life, plan to travel, drink wine, eat sushi, avoid zika-infested places, etc. You may get pregnant right away or it may take a while. You may have an easy pregnancy or you may not. Same with birth. Stretch marks are genetic. I put some cream on my stomach starting around month 2 or 3 every morning and I gained weight very slowly and not a lot, and didn’t get any stretch marks, but I don’t think it was really anything other than genetic good luck. My mom didn’t use cream and didn’t get any either. I just liked the ritual of it. I think trying to not stress is the best advice.

    4. I’ve always worked out regularly and eaten healthy foods so there really wasn’t much to change. There is really not much you can do besides staying active and eating healthy foods. Most of the way you gain and lose weight during and after pregnancy is hereditary. Same with stretch marks. I had twins and people say I look the same as I did before. What they don’t see is my stretched out belly skin and saggy boobs. Pregnancy and babies are a miracle and I’m amazed with my body and overall happy with my body.

      I have a friend that has always worked out regularly but really stepped it up in anticipation of pregnancy because she’s scared to death of gaining weight. She’s been trying to get pregnant for over a year with no success. She went to a fertility specialist that said that he low body fat is messing with her cycles and that it may be as simple at working out less and eating more. So you definitely don’t want to overdo it when you’re trying to conceive.

    5. I would start any exercise you want to do while pregnant, since many doctors don’t want you to start a new workout routine once you’re expecting. I did barre throughout my pregnancy and found it was very helpful both for superficial reasons and also during labor.

      Also, stop drinking coffee now so you’re not dealing with caffeine withdrawal and first-trimester exhaustion simultaneously.

      1. I have an alternative take on the caffeine habit. I figure I’d be miserable anyways so why prolong the misery by giving it up now? Or that’s how I justified it when I failed miserably at cutting back when we first started TTC. Now you can pry the earl grey out of my cold, dead hands.

        My advice, keep up the exercise but keep living your life. Also, if you’re waiting for a set date, don’t assume you’ll be pregnant asap. I waited 6 months because I didnt want to go on maternity leave during the teaching term and it turns out, I don’t have super fertility (my grandma had 10 kids, my mom got pregnant on the first try, I had assumed my husband would just have to wink at me). Now I’m looking two semesters ahead and wishing I had started trying (or not trying, not protecting) earlier.

    6. I’m perhaps a little more understanding of how you feel. I think wanting to prepare ahead of time is totally fine (good for you!) – cutting back on alcohol is the obvious one and getting your home lead-tested is a good idea. I wouldn’t worry about the cleaners and stretch marks aren’t a thing you can really help. Getting in better shape now, whatever that means for you, wouldn’t be a bad idea. If you’re in better shape pre-pregnancy it will help with labor & delivery (and generally carrying the pregnancy). There are lots of people who personally feel that didn’t matter for them, but on average, it’s been shown to be helpful and definitely can’t hurt.

    7. I don’t think getting “pregnancy ready” is a thing and agree that the environmental assessment is complete overkill. I did absolutely nothing to get ready other than taking prenatal vitamins. The changes that happen to your body during pregnancy are a complete crap-shoot, mostly out of your control, and you never know what is going to happen, so just try to mentally prepare yourself for that. And depending on what happens, there may or may not be anything you can do to “bounce back”.

      I understand your anxiety though, and I was worried about how my body was going to change. Here is what I did: When I was pregnant, I only gained 25 lbs. (which was within my doctor’s recommendation of 25-30). I put lotion on my tummy once it started getting bigger, which I don’t think actually helps as far as stretch marks go, but my skin was so itchy it helped me feel better. After I had my kid, I used the bellefit post-partum girdle to help suck things back into place. I lost all the weight in about 6-8 weeks. 10 lbs. of that was in the hospital, the other part about 2 lbs per week. I didn’t diet after my kid was born because I was nursing, I just lost the weight kind of naturally. If you are naturally thin, it might happen that way for you too. The stretch marks mostly faded within a year. My b**bs are a bit more collapsed than they were, but there is nothing that can help that. It is pregnancy, not nursing, that changes them. My belly button is really different, but I actually like how it looks more now.

      I am generally pleased with my body, despite the fact that I don’t look like a 20 year old model, and pregnancy did change it in some ways. You may surprise yourself with how your priorities change once you are actually pregnant/have a baby. I admit I roll my eyes at the “tiger stripes/battle wound” stuff too. I know that helps some women, but it doesn’t help me.

    8. I am a very non-organized, non-prepared person, and even I would get the lead paint assessment. One of my daughter’s friends tested positive for lead at his 1 yo well child visit, and as an attorney I see a lot of lead paint cases.

    9. I think it is important to make peace with the fact that your body may change, and there really isn’t a lot you can do about it.

      That being said, I had wicked crazy back pain through most of my pregnancies and I’ve often wondered if it was due to weak core muscles. If you are looking at practical get my body ready for pregnancy advice, I would recommend strengthening your core to potentially avoid the ‘back started aching while I was still trying not to throw up in my first trimester’ joy I went through.

    10. I hired a personal trainer and started lifting weights and doing tough core work a few months beforehand. She was one of the first people to learn I was pregnant and we worked out until halfway through my pregnancy. I felt like I had a relatively easy pregnancy and when I was pushing the midwife commented that I must be an athlete. Maybe it was just coincidence but maybe it helped. If nothing else, it shifted my workout focus from getting thin to becoming stronger. Also I second the advice to chill. Also, I wouldnt necessarily eliminate booze just yet. I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this but it was a long 40 weeks without wine.

    11. Re: lead paint, what’s the concern? Lead paint is only dangerous if it chips. If you have an old house, esp in the northeast, you have lead paint. I grew up in a house from the 1800s and had my first kid in one built in 1915. They were never remediated but also, never officially assessed (once lead is found you have to fix it). Totally up to you but your house will be equally safe if you keep all the paint fresh and non chipping vs a full remediation.

    12. -Get life insurance NOW. Just trust me on this one.
      -I ran a marathon before getting pregnant and it ended up probably saving my life. Being in extremely good physical shape didn’t end up protecting me from scary pregnancy outcomes, but it did end up helping me survive horrifying complications.
      -Work on being forgiving to yourself. Heck, everyone everywhere- I don’t care if you’re 2 or 100, I don’t care if you’re rich or poor, work on some self-compassion.

    13. Being reasonably fit helps a lot. I was spinning about 3x a week and hiking a couple of times per month, and my PT said it was my fitness and strong core that helped protect my back when I had to stop working out completely. So now I’m 11 months pp and haven’t made it back into the gym…but that’s another issue!

    14. It’s not crazy to start paying attention to environmental issues now. I hate all the crazy talk about “toxins” and holding mothers to ridiculous standards, but there are a number of chemicals that adults are commonly exposed to with minimal effect that do have potentially significant effects on babies. Some of these are stored in the mother’s fatty tissue and then transferred to the baby via breast milk, so reducing exposure to them now is a good idea. Fish is the most significant source of many of these chemicals, followed by other animal fats. Other things to look out for would be flame retardants in furniture and the lead paint you already mentioned.

    15. Gosh, I would drink all the drinks until the test was positive! Why deprive yourself now? I am super vain about my body and did a diet bet challenge with friends right before TTC. I also upped my workouts so that I’d be more likely to continue working out moderately during pregnancy. I had to stop running around 32 weeks but worked out up until the day my baby was born. It made returning to exercise a lot easier, too. I guess you don’t know how your body will react to pregnancy but I had two pregnancies and was very careful about what I ate throughout. I didn’t focus on the scale but I tried not to give into cravings and ate everything in moderation.

    16. I agree with the advice to drop HBC now if you’re on it, and I would add that you might want to start tracking your cycle. I had an app called “P-Tracker Lite” and it was super straightforward and offered a not particularly scientific guess at my ‘fertile window’ and ovulation dates and such, but it was mostly handy because at so many doctor’s appts they’d say “when was the last day of your last cycle?” and I could tell them the exact day. Helped me feel a little more on top of things.

      I try not to worry too much about the shape of my body, but a general thought: if you and your partner enjoy things that you won’t be able to do while pregnant or with a new baby, do those things together now. I’m thinking risky sports (waterskiing? rock climbing?) and things that are annoying/impossible to do with newborns (strenuous hikes? concerts?) and also just peaceful, quiet things (drinking wine together on a deck overlooking a lake).

    17. Short answer is no. I started taking prenatal vitamins as soon as I quit BC, but other than that, nothing. I wish I’d gone off hormonal BC sooner, but worst case that just delays your timing by a few months.

      I’d just focus on developing healthy habits. You don’t need to get super fit, just establish routines so that when you’re too tired for willpower (this is reality through much of pregnancy and kid’s first couple years), you’ll still take decent care of yourself. Think of it this way: If you’re already in the habit of running 5x/week, you can slow down or walk according to your energy level without much mental effort. But if you’re trying to sub jogging for vegging on the couch, that takes a level of effort and motivation I just haven’t had in years. If you find it enjoyable, I highly recommend weight training – it can make a huge difference in your comfort during pregnancy.

      I’m also super vain about my body, but not enough to make myself miserable with diets and exercise I don’t enjoy. Luckily the habits (+ genetics) approach was totally sufficient for me to go back to normal after both pregnancies so far. Although I can’t say I escaped stretch marks…

  24. Fiance and I have decided we need a cleaning person 1-2x/month. Neither of us minds cleaning, and we are generally clean and neat, but we have 3 pets and both work a decent amount, and find ourselves feeling anxious when we don’t have time to do a deep-clean every week. We are fine vacuuming a few times a week and we keep the kitchen and bathroom counters clean, but every time I walk by a dusty blind or see an inch of dust on the fan blades or some dirt on a wall, it drives me crazy.

    A couple we are friends with recommended their cleaning person. She came to our apartment on Saturday (with her husband and two little kids). They were really sweet, and I’m sure they do a good job, but they quoted us $150! For 3-4 hours! And it’s just her cleaning, not 2 people. This seems completely insane but I need a gut-check. Is $40-50/hour normal for a cleaning person? We have a 2 bed, 2 bath apartment. It’s probably less than 1,200 sq ft.

    I was thinking we could get someone for $100 for 3-4 hours, but maybe I’m being totally unrealistic?

    Thanks!

    1. I pay $60 for a one bed, one bath, for 2 hours. I think her quote is pretty fair.

    2. It sounds a little high, but 3-4 hours is also an insane amount of time to spend cleaning a 2 bed if you’re having it cleaned biweekly. That sounds more like how long it would take to deep clean (I mean annual deep clean, not biweekly) a 2 bed/2 bath. Are you sure that wasn’t just the quote for the first cleaning? Most services charge more for the first cleaning because they assume the place is dirtier than it will be when they’re cleaning it regularly (even if you actually keep it in perfect condition).
      FWIW, I live in the Bay Area (so, very HCOL) and pay $75 for a biweekly cleaning service for a large 1 bed/1 bath (900 sq feet). The usually send two people but stay less than an hour. The service takes a cut, so an individual should definitely be cheaper.

    3. Also in HCOL area, I pay $135 ($165 with tip) for three women to come for 2 hours.

    4. Depends on where you live. We pay that for a 2-story house (3 BR, 3 baths) with an upstairs hallway, kitchen, living room and dining area, but we live in a LCOL area.

    5. I’m in NYC and I pay $90 for my 2bd/2bath, once a week. The woman is there for about 3-4 hrs. She does the laundry too (machine in unit).

    6. Is that the price for an initial clean, and then after that the rate drops? I agree it’s high if that’s the ongoing price.

    7. We pay $100 every other week for 2-3 people for 2 hours to clean our 3000sq ft (4 br/2.5 bath) home in the Boston burbs. Initial clean was $200 I think.

      Ours excludes: pets (3 is a lot…might be a lot more to clean), refrigerator (inside), windows. We don’t generally have then do laundry or things like that but sometimes I strip the beds and leave out new sheets and they make them up vs just making the bed.

    8. Was this the biweekly rate, or was she quoting you an initial cleaning with the maintenance cleanings being cheaper? I agree $150 is high for the space you’ve described. We pay $90 every 2 weeks for 2bed/2bath ~1300 sqft over 2 levels. Sometimes our housecleaner comes alone and spends 3-4 hours, sometimes she has a helper and they finish more quickly.

      The dust on fan blades/blinds and spots on the walls though… I totally agree with you that it’s crazy-making, but these are the things my housecleaner typically doesn’t get. She does a good job on kitchen and bathrooms, a decent job on floors, but dusting anything except the big surfaces like dressers and coffee tables is not her strong suit. I think she runs the feather duster over the blinds in one direction, but she’s not thorough. Your quote might also be higher if you emphasized these “deep cleaning” type requirements. I have justified it to myself that the cleaning she does frees me up to take care of the details that I notice because they stare me in the face every day.

    9. I’m in small town upper Midwest and I pay $20/hr every other week for a one person operation. She generally takes 3-4 hours and only cleans our main floor, which is 3BR/2BA.

  25. I have a former boss who is my former boss due to harassment. I was told I would never be put under her again and that I would have minimal interaction with her. My current boss, the head of the small organization and the harasser’s boss, asked me recently (about nine months after the incident(s) came to a head) to “bury the hatchet with her and ask her to lunch because that would go really far in making things up with her”.

    I initially agreed, as most of my anger towards this person are gone, and I just want things to be professional, but the more that I think about this the more angry I get. This person set out to humiliate me routinely in front of coworkers. In our HR meeting with management, she denied she had ever done anything to me, even though every incident was documented and in front of other people who agreed it had happened and shouldn’t have. She has never apologized, afterwards she skipped every meeting I was in charge of for about three months, and has refused to work with me on multiple projects that management told her she had to work with me on.

    Am I being absurd? I do not feel that I should be apologizing when everyone agreed that this was not my fault and that I really should have gone to HR much much sooner. This was also not her first harassment issue at my current workplace, and apparently management hired her knowing that she had HR issues at at least 2 other places she worked out. On another note I am on my final round of interviews for another job, if I got the new job should I state this as a reason for leaving? I can’t help but to feel as if I was the “victim” and yet I am getting blamed for everything.

    1. If you mean should you tell Current Company in an exit interview, if you get a new job, yes. By all means. (They probably won’t care, because they have treated you shabbily already, and might even be relieved to see the “problem” go away. So it might be unsatisfying. But no reason not to put it out there.)
      If you mean should you tell Possible Future Company that it’s your reason for leaving Current Company, no.

      I hope you get the new job and get away from that environment. And I’m sorry that this happened to you. Good luck.

  26. Husband and I want to go somewhere tropical around Thanksgiving-early December. In the Midwest, so flying is obviously necessary. Anyone have any all inclusive resorts they loved? Preferably, no kids, great food, great drinks, great beaches, etc. Neither of us have ever been to any resorts in Mexico, Caribbean, etc. so looking for a good place to start our research!

    1. Excellence Playa Mujeres (Cancun, but not anywhere near the hotel strip). Amazing all inclusive, adults only. Beautiful beach, beautiful hotel, great food, amazing service. Literally not a thing I would change.

    2. Excellence Playa Mujeres (adults only all-inclusive near Cancun). Literally not a single thing I would change. Ask for building 7 or 8, they’re close to the pool/beach.

    3. We went to Secrets in Montego Bay in Jamaica about two years ago, and it was a really nice all-inclusive experience. The Jamaica location’s beach isn’t super-amazing though (they have one, and it’s fine, but nothing to write home about), so maybe look into one of their Mexico locations instead? FWIW, my favorite Caribbean/Mexico vacation beach ever was Playa Del Carmen, but I stayed with a friend who was living there at the time, so I don’t know how any of the resorts in the area stack up.

    4. What’s your budget?

      As far as islands — Turks & Caicos has a TON of all-inclusive options and it makes for a very easy vacation. The DR is a popular choice too, and Jamaica has like 7-8 Sandals if I recall correctly… I’d choose one on the beach in Negril for the prettiest beach and sunsets. You could also check out San Juan as there’s a bunch of larger properties on the beachfront.

        1. its also insanely beautiful – we went there for our honeymoon at the end of May.

          The Palms – def a place to look into

    5. We liked the Paradisus in Cancun. If you upgrade to Royal Service you are in your own kids-free building and pool area. We’re craft cocktail fans, so the drinks for us were good not great. The food was good at the restaurants and they had a good variety of restaurants. In the Royal Service area they have snacks throughout the day and an open bar where you can mix your own drinks if you want.

      There is a nice wide beach although it was a little windy when we were there and we mostly stuck to the pool area. The resort also had a spa and we both got massages.

      It’s nice being able to go somewhere warm in Nov/Dec when you’re from the Midwest. Have fun planning!

      1. Also, check out oyster dot com for resort reviews and real pictures from the different locations.

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