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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.
We rounded up light blue suits a week or two ago, but I think the cobalt suit is its own animal. I'm fashionable and bold, it says. Cobalt is also a great color in terms of versatility (admittedly, I may be a bit biased; I'd dress like Valeria McCulloch if I could), as you can wear it with basics like black, navy, gray, white, and cream, as well as purple (dark and light) and greens (kelly green for a preppy vibe, olive for a earthier vibe). You can even add a pop of peach, coral, or red. The cut and fit of this Altuzarra suit feels very modern to me — the skinny full-length trousers and the slightly long three-button jacket. Nice. The jacket (Altuzarra Three-Button Blazer) is $1,595; the pants (Altuzarra Henri Trousers) are $695.
Here's a lower-priced alternative and a plus-size option (jacket + pants).
(L-6)Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
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- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Longboarding
Do you think 27 is too old to start longboarding/skateboarding? I’ve been having a huge drive to try it out but I’m embarrassed to practice at parks with kids and teens. Is this silly thinking and I should just go for it? And for those with experience, any tips?
Bluestocking
Just go for it. 27 is not too old.
Tetra
Have fun! Consider wearing pads/wrist guards, even though they look dorky. I know a guy who broke his wrist skateboarding and it made it tough to type at a computer all day.
Jules
Parent of a longboarder here. I was too clumsy for this kind of thing even in my youth, but if that’s not you I think you should go for it. And definitely you will want pads and wrist supports; knee pads are an absolute must. They make special kneepads for this, which are hard on the outside (like what flooring workers use).
anonymous
I’m 27 and very regularly get mistaken for a high schooler. We don’t look that old when we’re not trying to be taken seriously. Plus, there’s no such thing as too old to try something new!
skigirl
You should do it! I taught myself when I was 26 because I always wanted to learn. I did feel a little silly at first but once I got the hang of it, it didn’t really bother me and it was a lot of fun. I just looked at youtube videos and went out to a secluded street and tried. Just be careful on hills!
OP
How long did it take for you be decent at cruising? Any recs for a beginner board?
needanewmoniker
27 is definitely not too old. Neither is 50 or 75! Do it!
2 Cents
When I started running at the local park frequented by many teenagers, I soon realized that they’d glance at me, put me in the “old person” (aka anyone over 25) category, then ignore me. I could have been wearing a full clown outfit, and none of them would notice. I say go for it!
Anon
I took my first surfing lesson at 39.
Anonymous
I just wanted to put in an endorsement for this dress, which has sleeves! I’d never tried Ellen Tracy before, but found this yesterday at a Nordstrom outlet shop, but I would pay full price if they had other colors (I’m pleasantly surprised by the quality for the price). It’s a nice weight material (stretchy but looks nicer than what I consider ponte), fully lined, stitching is done well and the seaming is flattering. It does have an exposed zip, but at least it’s not 2-way. The P is a smidge short (I’m 5’2″) so I may try to have it lengthened.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/ellen-tracy-short-sleeve-sheath-dress-regular-petite/4064017?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=NAVY
Bluestocking
I like this suit! I love the cobalt color, I love the skinny pants, and I love the 3-button jacket. That’s all.
Anonymous
If the cats in Cats needed suits, I think they’d wear this (in all of its colors). It just looks costumey with the real jacket and the [jeggings?][long skinny pants?][long skinny pants that look like jeggings?].
Ballet Nutcracker in suits corps members might wear a version of this suit.
emeralds
I also like it! It’s different but not too out there.
AIMS
More power to anyone who wears it, but my first thought was this would be great for a “lady joker” costume from the Michael Keaton Batman movie. Or it would let you fit right in as an extra in D*ck Tracey/Cool World/Random other late 80s/early 90s comic book movie. Maybe Dixie Carter could pull it off on Designing Women. I definitely cannot.
Not a ballerina
Curious to hear what everyone’s favorite hobby is, how long / how much you spend on it, and what you love about it.
Last Friday I posted about taking adult ballet classes to support another dance hobby of mine – Argentine tango. I love the tango and I dance 4-10 hours a week. It appeals to me because it’s a very technique-driven dance, it’s physically active, and it’s completely unrelated to work. The fact that I get to wear nice dresses is a bonus. Tango is not cheap but not terribly expensive – I spend around $250-$300/month on it which breaks down to 1 private class per month and 2-3 group classes/dances per week.
Jitterbug
Posted about this before, but I’m a swing dancer. Been doing lindy hop for over two years, balboa for a year and a half, and occasional collegiate shag. Let’s see . . . each month I guess I spend $80-120 in weekly classes, plus $15-20 per dance (2-4 per month) plus each month I find myself dropping an additional $100-200 on a weekend event, although it’s usually a local workshop weekend or exchange so my travel costs are pretty minimal.
I’ve considered other forms of partner dance, tango and foxtrot look like fun but I like leading and I kind of doubt tango lets women lead as their primary/only role, unless I go to a queer friendly space for classes. And rock n roll dancing looks like a lot of fun but there just isn’t a scene for it in Boston.
Meara
Probably you won’t see this, but…west coast swing!! Especially if you already Lindy and shag!!
SteelCityMagnolia
I teach West Coast Swing (along with several other styles of dance!!!!) :) You made my day with this comment!!!!
Clementine
Interesting. My hobbies have changed over time, but currently my favorite hobby is running.
I spend very little on it – generally 2-4 pair of running shoes a year @ $120ish a pair, race entries of probably $200, and other miscellaneous costs amounting to $100 probably. I love it because I can fit it in where and when I can. I have friends who I run with and we can run and chat at 6AM or 8PM, depending on our schedules. I normally run 4-5 days per week plus one day of cross training.
It gives me more energy and just helps me feel better. If I am running solo, I often listen to podcasts or books on tape, and enjoy some ‘me’ time without guilt. I tell myself I’m modeling healthy habits and keeping myself in good physical shape.
Meara
Hah–my hobbies used to include a few more (sewing has really fallen by the wayside) but lately it’s running (just started a group half-marathon training) and dancing.
I’d say I spend maybe $250 on races, this year $130 on the training, and a couple pairs of sneakers, maybe $200. Plus justifying cute workout wear?
Dancing is definitely more expensive–I’d like to do private lessons but am not sure how to afford it on the regular! I probably spend $30ish a week on dance entries and water or drinks or whatnot. Maybe $150 for a new pair of shoes each year. And then probably $2100 or so on dance conventions–$100 or so entry, sometimes competition fees, and hotel rooms add up even when I share! I go to 7-8 conventions a year (some local, some a few hours away, one or two farther). I do country two-step and west coast swing.
WestCoast Lawyer
I’m always jealous of people who say their hobby is running. I’ve tried to take it up several times using the Couch to 5K app, but the truth is I really don’t like it and inevitably I get a cold, or a work crisis that stops me for a few weeks after which I don’t pick it up again for another 6-12 months.
Clementine
The secret is, the first two miles always sucks. I can be running 2 miles or 20 miles, the first two suck. I am only slightly exaggerating, but that’s what I’ve found. Once I run past those, I love it.
What got me into running was signing up for things that I needed to train for and a great friend group to run with.
Anonymous
For me, the first 6 suck and it’s really not until 10 that I start to feel great. It’s a love that makes me work for it :)
I’ve ran since middle school (though never at a seriously competitive level), so I can’t speak to how people acquire a love of it when it wasn’t something they grew up with. But I agree to give it a shot and work your way past the initial suck if running is something you want to like. And if it never clicks, then that’s perfectly great too. There are tons of other hobbies and types of exercise that it’s not worth forcing yourself to do one you don’t enjoy!
Hobbies
I had the same jealousy until I figured out an exercise that I really love. Now I am just glad I have something physical that I enjoy.
Meara
If it makes you feel better, I’ve only maybe twice been able to run the solid 30 minutes in couch to 5k. I just keep signing up for races and stuff–can’t fall TOO far out of it if I have to do t then! I’d never been a runner and then one year resolved to do a 5k every month (figuring I could/would walk some) and last year (2 years later) did 5 10ks and 6 5ks…
First Year Anon
Yah- I run a lot and train for races but not everyone has to love running. I feel like there is a lot of pressure to love running and somehow it’s a more worthy fitness activity than just heading to the gym to lift weights or something. You do you!
That being said, it took me a long time to just enjoy running for what it is. And I love working out and sports. Consistency is KEY. SO SO KEY. You gain a lot just from consistent running.
Start out by going out on nice days (don’t torture yourself with really cold weather or hot weather running at the start) and just enjoy the process. If you get more into it, you’ll eventually not even care if the weather isn’t behaving.
You know what really got me into running? When I was injured for a long time and I couldn’t run more than 10 minutes at a time without pain. I appreciated it so much more when I finally could do it and be free.
Anonymous
Two completely opposite kinds of geeky – doing cross stich embroidery and playing League of Legends. XD
I usually get in a couple games of LoL each night, an hour or maybe two, as a way of blowing off steam from the day, and then an hour or so of needlework to calm down before bed. They’re both calming, in different ways – playing the game lets me focus on something that I find entertaining/fun, and winning a match is a good feeling, and stitching has a physical, visible product – with time and concentration, I turn a pile of string and fabric into a dragon, a landscape, or a bunch of swear words surrounded by flowers and pretty borders (best BFF gift idea ever tbh).
Hobbies
This is fun! My current favorite hobby is weight lifting. I spend about 6 hours a week in the gym ($125/month in a powerlifting gym with coaching), and probably another hour or so per week reading about it. I love it because it’s completely unrelated to work and makes me feel very powerful. I’ve also gotten so much more accepting of my body’s “flaws” since starting. For example, the calories I ate that made me a little soft around the middle helped fuel my max deadlift, which is awesome!
Tecan
+1 Couldn’t agree more.
matilda
I have mostly really low-key hobbies. I run and go to the gym ($100ish a month for both) and occasionally go indoor rock climbing ($20 a month). I like to knit, read and cook and usually those are fairly cheap or built into my regular life expenses. I also occasionally go paragliding with my SO and that is our only expensive hobby (whew.. the kit was $3k easy). I used to play ice hockey which was about $120 a month for a membership to a rink and then I was in a casual adults team, but after getting a concussion and separately tearing my retina from a collision I said goodbye to such high impact sports.
matilda
I forgot to add – a lot of hiking (free!) these days! I live in the bay area and there are tons of trails. A national parks pass is also only $80 annually.
Killer Kitten Heels
My favorite hobby is horseback riding – I take a one-hour lesson every Saturday (equestrian hunter/jumper) and it’s by far the best thing I do each week. It’s about $180/month, and if I had more time/money, I’d ride a lot more, but I take what I can get/afford right now.
A close second is my volunteer activity (helping to coach a high school academic competition team), which takes up anywhere from 5-15 hours/week during the season, but goes on hiatus for entire seasons. It’s free, except when I foot the bill for certain kids to attend competitions occasionally.
My most time-consuming hobby is reading, which I love and easily spend an hour or two a day on. For a while I was spending LOTS on Kindle books, but I discovered my library loans e-copies of books, so I’ve gotten my book budget down to about $15/month (there’s usually one hardcopy/month I can’t bear to miss out on purchasing).
lost academic
You sound just like me!
Anon
Does watching Netflix count?
Otherwise, my top indoor hobby is reading (and a little bit of writing) and my top outdoor hobbies are skiing and hiking. I’m moving back to the West Coast this year and can’t wait to get back into mountain biking again, which I haven’t done as much on the East Coast. It’s so much more accessible out there! Skiing is the big $$$$ item, especially since I dropped $1,500 on new gear (although it was my first new set of skis and boots in 15 years).
KT
I’m a horse person. I used to be big into competition, but that faded after college.
Now I lease a horse; I ride him one day a week for $100 a month. It’s awesome to be just me, him, and trails or the ring to ourselves. One day I hope to own my own, but leasing is a good stopgap :)
KT
Oh, and dog training. Not competitively, but I love working with my pup (this is my “pet” pup, not my service dog!, to clarify!), and teaching her new things (both useful stuff and silly tricks). When I got her, every trainer told me her breed is “untrainable”, so it gives me incredible glee to see how good she is, and she really loves to learn new things.
I spend a lot of time with her each day doing long walks, practicing her commands and learning silly tricks (she just mastered “squirrel” where she goes up on her hind legs and holds a toy or snack with her paws and “don’t be scared” where she covers her eyes with her paws. Her cuteness kills me).
Blonde Lawyer
Just curious, how do your pet pup and service dog interact? Is there any weird dynamic between them where one has a stricter job than the other? Jealousy that one goes every where with you?
KT
Nah, they get along very well together. At home, when I have my husband in the house and medication nearby and am usually in a well-controlled state, my service pup is allowed to be “on break” and be a dog; she’ll play, roughhouse with my pet pup, chase all the toys, etc. She very much knows the difference between when it’s time to be a dog and when it’s time to work.
When it’s time to work and she gets her vest on, if the other tries to get her to play, she gives her such a look of disgust and contempt it’s funny. But they get along very well.
We do enforce a pretty high level of obedience for our pet dog so as not to harm my service dog’s training with a poor example. For instance, both dogs are allowed on furniture, but my pet has been taught to maintain a strict heel while walking, will not get up if someone comes in the front door without being told to, etc. We do take both on long walks morning and night so they get exercise.
Pet pup doesn’t see to be the least bit phased that service pup goes with me. My husband leaves later for work than I do, so he and pet pup hang out and play (and probably do mischief), then she happily sleeps until we get home, then she romps and plays with service pup.
B
This is really interesting! How did you find him?
I rode competitively for years, through college. I now live in the city and my family sold the last of our horses this fall, so I can no longer go home to the farm to ride. I’d love to own a horse again, and while I could work the expenses into my budget, I just know that the commute time to get out of the city to a stable several times per week would be too much. I’ve considered paying for lessons, but I’d really rather just have access to a horse I could ride (and even possibly school in low-level hunter or dressage). I don’t know why I’ve never thought of leasing, but I would totally pay a rate like that for a share of a horse.
PamBeasley
Partial and half leases are very common and completely awesome. Standard setup is payment of $150-$250ish for 1-3 days of riding per week. They’re really appealing for people who just want access to a horse without all of the other upkeep required in actually owning. In my area, owners advertise their partial and half-leases through the region’s equestrians facebook page. My region’s equestrian page is very active, though, so YMMV.
Killer Kitten Heels
In my area, a number of the riding schools will do partial leases of their school horses (i.e., the horse is reserved for you for some set amount of time per week) – they usually require that you take a lesson in addition to a certain number of free-ride hours, but it’s a good way to guarantee yourself access to ride without taking on the responsibility of full ownership.
KT
A lot of places do a lease, partial lease (I do partial, just a day a week), or per-ride basis. I’m just done with lessons and am just looking to ride to relax and have fun. I do low-level stuff, so nothing crazy for me!
I found mine on Craigslist :) He’s q very well trained, bomb-proof, mid-level hunter/dressage horse. A higher end show horse would obviously be more expensive. I get him all day Sundays to do what I want…we usually do some ring work, some little jumps, then a slow cool-out on the trails. We have trailered to the beach too.
If you look into it, just be clear on terms. Mine is just a flat $100 each month; some leases are a fee + the cost of farrier, vaccinations, etc.
Mine also includes the use of the owner’s tack
Betty
Has anyone started riding as an adult? I have always wanted to learn, and we have the ability and space to someday own a horse. Any suggestions on how to get started with the basics?
CountC
You can absolutely do this!! Where are you located? If you do not have anyone locally that can give you a recommendation, go to the Chronicle of the Horse bulletin boards (link to follow) and ask for lesson barn recommendations in your area. You will have to register to post, but there are tons of people from all over who will give you recs.
CountC
http://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/forum.php
You would probably get more responses if you post in the hunter/jumper section if you are interested in ever jumping, dressage if you are not.
Also, feel free to email me at lizzyhicken01 at gmail dot com
lost academic
I did! I didn’t get on a horse till I was 25! But it’s not just about riding if you want to someday have one of your own at your own property – make the time to hang around the barn and learn all the things to actually take care of a horse day in and day out, because they seem hellbent on hurting themselves and you need to catch it and deal with it when it happens! Spend time helping the vet, the farrier, cleaning stalls, checking fences, picking up stuff, watching lessons of all kinds. Be a barn rat on a weekend day every chance you get.
Killer Kitten Heels
Technically, I road for a few years between the ages of 5 and 9, but when I started taking lessons last year I hadn’t ridden in about two decades – like lost academic said, if the goal is eventual horse ownership, definitely hang around the barn, and look for a barn that offers “horsemanship lessons” – at least in my area, that’s code for “we will teach you to ride and also to properly tack-up and care for a horse.”
There’s been absolutely no weirdness at all for me about being an “adult beginner.”
lost academic
I love to compete at things in general, too, and my first (jumper) schooling show I was relieved to be in a class with all adult beginners – some MUCH more beginner than I was, and it was very friendly and supportive and laidback! I love that I’m an adult because I have real control over my time and my money and my effort.
Anon
I have really lost my own hobbies since I have had kids, but some things we like to do as a family include hiking, camping, and geocaching. So much fun! I also really want to buy a canoe! So far I have found used ones for about $200 but the deal hasn’t worked out yet.
Anon
This is not a dig at you at all, but I’m kind of scared of this happening when I have kids. Do you feel like you’re satisfied with the family hobbies or do you miss having more hobbies on your own? It’s always kind of a struggle to balance family life (even just my husband and me) with stuff that’s just “mine” and I’m curious at how to handle shifts when kids enter the picture.
Anonymous
Not Anon at 3:21 – I think it’s a combination – I still make time for my own hobbies (yoga) but I really enjoy sharing hobbies with my kids. There’s nothing like the pride in a two year old’s face when they get to carry their own little backpack for part of the hike (until they are too tired to walk and sleep in the carrier on the way back). Their sheer joy at learning new things has really helped me to recapture my memories of doing things for the first time. Simple pleasures and all that.
hoola hoopa
Both. I miss time for my own hobbies, but I also enjoy the time I spend doing kids/family things. It’s more apples/oranges for me than better/worse. There are naturally times when I’m frustrated that I don’t have the ability to do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want… but then I get a big ol’ slobbery toddler kiss, play hide-and-seek with my preschooler, and read books with my grade schooler.
Also, as I was told when I was a new mother struggling with my new reality: Eventually the kids are old enough to JOIN you in your hobbies, and that’s very, very special. It’s true! For example, I like to camp, and it’s fun to take the kids to my favorite spots, make smores with them, have them point out all the things I don’t notice any more. My oldest is even getting me back into running because she’s into it herself, which I honestly never imagined happening again.
mascot
You adapt. It’s hard for the first few years both from a time and energy perspective. But then as your kid gets older with more endurance, things are better. My kid is developing an appreciating for all the things we enjoy- reading, cooking, beach/pool, some sports. Plus, you tend to explore your world a bit more. We just discovered geocaching and it’s really fun. It also can be fun to revisit “kid” things and experience them through your child’s eyes (i.e. Disney is an exhausting trip but the look on their faces is worth it all).
But, I also strongly protect my time that is carved out for my hobbies like my book club, gym time, etc.
Anon
I am the Anon above. I love doing things with my little family and for the most part, that keeps me fulfilled. I do miss having my own hobbies and I need to get better at carving out and protecting time for them. We are exiting the baby/toddler years and so I think I can and should start doing this more. My husband is very protective of his one-night a week baseball games and is willing to help me reconnect with something I love too. So it is a struggle and something I want to work on.
Babies!
My main hobby (painting) kind of fell off post-kiddo but only temporarily. I used to take classes once a week but now don’t want to and can’t stay out until 11 p.m. during a week night. The studio does have weekend classes and I plan on signing up again next term.
Anon
I’m in the same boat. I have three major things going on – teenaged kids, a stressful job with 25-50% travel, and an ailing mother I help care for who lives 3 1/2 hours away by car.
I had a couple of hobbies – I play the piano and guitar, love to garden, and I’m a knitter, but I haven’t really had time to do anything but remember the hobbies. Recently I started knitting again, a little, and it helps.
I keep reminding myself that this, too, will pass, but I really don’t want it to. I know my mom will pass away (her condition is terminal) and I don’t want her to, and I know my kids will move away someday and that’s maybe even worse.
So even though I wish I had more time for myself, I deeply love my mom and my kids and it’s fulfilling deep in my soul, even though it tires out my brain and my body.
Hugs to others in the same situation.
Anonymous
I have no outdoor hobbies whatsoever. I’m not an athletic person at all. I figured skated in my youth, but gave it up in college as it was too much of a drain on my time, and it’s one of those things where if you don’t practice regularly, you lose your skills. I enjoy being outdoors and hiking, kayaking, swimming, etc., but don’t do any of those things with enough regularity to call them hobbies. I read, I write, I love to travel, and I love to eat, but that’s about it.
CountC
Uhhhhhh, I probably have too many hobbies.
My first, and most expensive hobby, is horses. I own my own horse and my barn requires you to be in the show prep program (1 or 2 lessons a week minimum). I also try to get to one or two horse shows a year, although I wish I could afford more. I split expenses with my mother because we inherited the horse and were left some money for it and it was a compromise for me to leave a soul sucking, mentally damaging law firm job. I spend about $650 a month towards board and lessons, and pay for my own horse shows and equipment. My mom pays a bit towards board, large vet bills, and the insurance.
My second hobby is running, which thankfully is much less expensive. I probably buy one or two pairs of shoes a year ($200), a few clearance apparel items ($75/yr), and about $200/yr in race fees.
My third hobby is reading. I never buy books – I borrow everything from the library.
My fourth hobby is painting. I am just starting so I’ve probably only spent about $200 on paint, a mini easel, brushes, and some cheap canvas.
Anonymous
I recently got a Cricut and I’ve been using it to make cards and paper flowers. I also like adult coloring books.
Anonymous
I watch Netflix and nap.
Anonymous
I love you.
suzanne
I just nap
lost academic
As I get older, having napping as a hobby is just awesome, and people who don’t understand it might be missing out. Sure, I wish I were doing other things with that time… but I also want to be napping. Maybe I could call it cat bonding time. Her favorite time is when I lie down in the bed for either reading or reading + Netflix/sports – she can sit on my lap and know I’m not going anywhere for awhile.
hoola hoopa
My favorite hobbies: sewing, crafts of all kinds, and painting. I also love camping and hiking. In a past life, also loved dancing, step aerobics, weightlifting, and jogging.
I typically spend zero hours per week doing any of them, lol. Okay, not quite zero if you count walking slowly on a nature trail while handing out snacks every two minutes as “hiking” and coloring with crayons and playing with playdough as “crafts.” :) Hello life as a mom of three kids with a full time job! I’d say I get about 1-2 hours per month?
My real hobbies right now are: looking at my hobbies on pinterest, sudoku, talking with my husband while we wash dishes or fold laundry, buying replacement shoes for outgrown feet, and strategizing for getting three kids into Saturday swim lessons at the same time. I spend about 10 hours/week doing that.
Anon
Haha I have three kids too and that sounds like my hobbies. One is on a competitive sports team, so there is also: driving to and from practice, entertaining younger siblings during competitions, and always having enough snacks for everyone.
hoola hoopa
My kids don’t know competitive sports teams exist. Please don’t tell them! ;)
You did remind me that “always having enough snacks for everyone” should be on my list, too. That’s a solid 2 hours every weekend alone, isn’t it???
Runner 5
My hobbies are knitting, reading-and-writing, and what I would call ‘general fitness’, mostly running. I choose fitness activities that I enjoy, but I really consider it something that I do for my health (both mental and physical) rather than a hobby I choose to do.
Marshmallow
Does the gym count as a hobby? I take barre classes about four times a week and I love it. As other posters mentioned, working out consistently helps me feel better about what my body can DO rather than being hung up on what it looks like. I spend $160 per month on an unlimited membership.
My husband and I enjoy hiking, camping, and kayaking together in spring through fall. We own an inflatable tandem kayak, which cost around $300 and is easy to store in a closet or car trunk.
For the longest time I would have also said violin performance was a hobby. I played at a very advanced level all through high school and college, but I’ve fallen away from it the past few years. It makes me sad– I say the reason is because I gave myself nerve damage after so many years of playing for hours a day (true) but I’m sure playing a few times a week would be tolerable for me now. I just don’t have time and frankly I’m afraid that I’m so out of practice I wouldn’t even be good anymore. I keep thinking about trying to take adult lessons but 1) time, 2) money, and 3) fear of failure keep discouraging me.
Anonymous
I’m way late to this thread, but DO IT! I played piano at a advanced level through high school and then took about a 5-6 year break. I started up lessons again when I was at a low point with a soul-sucking job and needed an outlet, and it came back really quickly. Over the next few years, I learned and performed several really satisfying pieces, and it was so nice to have a goal to work toward and feel objectively good at something again.
The sad end off this story is that now I have 3 young children and zero time or energy to practice (except after they’re in bed. Not conducive to them staying asleep unless I stick with nocturnes, which are really not my favorite) or even play at the moment, so I’ll have to start all over psyching myself up for adult lessons in a couple years. But I’m going to do it.
I’m so sorry to hear about your nerve damage – hand problems are one of my greatest fears. I hope you’re able to play for enjoyment without aggravating your injury!
CTAtty
Depending on where you live, there are probably community orchestras you could join. I joined one five years ago, having not played my violin since college (it was about a six year break between college and starting to play again). It’s great because there are all levels of experience, and I’ve been working my way back up to the level I played at in college.
B
Yoga/Working Out: $105 a month to my studio that is primarily yoga, but also offers circuit training and spin. I take 4-5 classes a week there. Yoga mat + mat towel = $100. Cross-training shoes = $75. Assortment of workout clothing, probably = $250.
Skiing: cross country skis + poles + boots = $300
Cycling: I was lucky to get a bike for free, but cycling expenses still add up: yearly tune up and repairs = $100, clip shoes + pedals = $150, padded shorts = $40, helmet = $70, bike lock + lights + multitool + carrying bag + tire repair kit + other accessories = about $120
Golfing: I don’t get out as much as I used to but still pay $600ish in greens fees and range balls a year. Have had my clubs since I was on the team in college and I need to get a new set, even if I buy used looking at $500-$700 in the next year or two.
More recently into triathlons. Replacing running shoes = $200/year. Suits for lap swimming = $80. Entry fees = about $100 a pop.
When it comes to sports and being active my theory is if you can afford it and you’ll stick with it, don’t be afraid to buy it. Some equipment you can rent but after a few times, if you like the hobby/sport and will do it on at least a semi-regular basis, and it’s often worth it to invest in equipment that fits you properly.
Non-athletic hobbies are: Drinking on Patios = don’t want to add this up; Concerts/Theatre/Shows = about $800 per year; Reading/Audiobooks = free from the library!
Now I have an answer to “where does all my money go?”!
pugsnbourbon
I had to smile at your “drinking on patios” line. Every spring when the weather finally gets warm again, my husband and I drop a little too much money on just that – but it feels so good!
Mary Ann Singleton
Oh man. My “hobby” is horse riding, and I go to several large shows each year with my horse. I wish I could say I didn’t know how much I spend on my “hobby” but I track it in Mint and it’s a horrendous amount. I’ve categorized it as “Health” in Mint as it’s more a lifestyle than a hobby, going to the barn and riding my horse is what helps me keep my sanity. And I’ve made so many great friends through this sport. I wish I could say it’s cheaper than therapy, but it most certainly is not. More effective perhaps.
foreign horsy person
I would love to own a horse one day. Do you mind saying how much it actually sets you back? You are the only horsy responder who owns the whole horse and pays the whole fees. I’m in the NYC area and would consider moving to a suburb just to ride. I owned horses long ago but in another country so I don’t know what it costs in America.
B
You’ll want to do research into costs in your specific locale, but based on boarding a horse in a suburban area during college, I would plan for $300-$500/month for feed/vet/farrier, depending on how much grain your horse eats and if he needs supplements. In New York I’d imagine you’re looking at another $500/month in board, I paid $300/mo in a lower-COL area. This wouldn’t include training, shows, tack or equipment.
Anonymous
I own a horse that I rodeo with on a semi professional basis. He has moved all over the country with me. My next move will be to new jersey about 90 minutes away from NYC. Boarding looks to be around $600-800 a month depending on amenities. Last time I lived in the mid-atlantic region I was paying $200ish every 6 weeks for shoes. Each month, I spend $100-$150 in lessons (depends on my schedule) and $75 on feed. Show fees/rodeo entry fees add up, but those are really dependent on how often/where/what level you compete at. Altogether, I currently spend around $600 a month.. I’m budgeting for that to increase to approximately $900 when I move.
Mary Ann Singleton
Sorry – late to check back in. Board is 700, shoeing is 175 every 6 weeks (I wish I could get new shoes every 6 weeks for that amount!), training is around 600 per month, grain probably 60 per month. Vet bills are around 2-3000 per year, and that’s just for routine stuff. I have a horse who’s an aging athlete and we’re keeping him in top condition, so additional care for the horse includes chiropractor, bodywork, supplements, etc. Shows are super expensive (with stabling, travel, hotel, entry fees, they’re probably 500-700 for a weekend show). I think I spend around $28k per year total (thank you Mint). I have my own truck and trailer for hauling the horse so that adds up (different Mint category though) in insurance, diesel, registration, etc.
I have a girl who rides my horse 2 days per week and she contributes 250 to his board monthly. This is a great arrangement for both of us – I don’t have time to ride as much as my horse needs (I ride 4 days per week), and she is a good rider but can’t afford a horse of her own right now as she’s a student. If I didn’t want to show I would look for this kind of arrangement for myself.
Now, bear in mind that my costs above are for keeping a horse in top show condition almost year round. Keeping a horse that you want to ride and have fun with but not show is a lot cheaper. Good luck!
CountC
I’ll chime in with more specific costs, but NYC area costs will be much higher. I am at an A show barn in a LCOL.
Board: $650/mo full care
Lessons: $300/mo
Shoes: $125 every five weeks for four steels, no pads, no special shoes
Supplements: $150/mo
Insurance: $1800/yr
Routine vet care excluding injections: $300ish/yr
Blanket Cleaning: $100ish/year (usually need repairs)
Extras::
Horse shows: $3k-$4k/ye for two A shows a year that are close to my barn and don’t require my horse to be there for all 5 or 6 days and shipping is cheap
Clippers: $150-$200
Injections: $1700 twice a year for hocks and stifles
Trish
Does anyone think politics are a hobby? I love going to ACLU meetings, protests, etc. My husband does, too. But is that a hobby? It feels like a passion and I enjoy it, but it isn’t relaxing.
Gail the Goldfish
Riding. I don’t own my own horse. It works out to probably about $150/month (5 lessons for $180, rarely do I get 5 lessons in a month). I ride once a week. I’d love to ride more, but I don’t have enough daylight hours after work during the week. During the week, I watch a lot of Netflix
yoga instructor
Yoga. I recently became an instructor, so I get paid (almost nothing) to teach and all of my classes are free. I like to watch good TV shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime. I read a lot and get most of my books from the library. I’ve started gardening in the summer, mostly flowers in pots, so I make a small investment in flowers every spring. I participate in community theater, which is free. A few months ago, I adopted 2 dogs. The dogs are definitely more expensive than any of my other hobbies.
Anonymous
Just started piano classes….at 41!
Anon
do it!!!!
Making Time for Therapy?
How do you busy ladies make time for therapy? DH and I agree that we need to go to marital counseling. We both work full time and have two little kids. DH has recently had to take a great amount of time off of work for health issues (that also stressed our marriage to the max). We are not in a major metropolitan area, and it seems like everyone we contact either sees people 9-5 (so the latest appointment is at 3 or 4) or has a long wait list for evening/late afternoon appointments. We really don’t want to wait a month or two to get the help we need, but we are struggling on the logistics front.
Frozen Peach
Look into weekend intensive workshops and providers who will work with you via phone/skype. When we have the bandwidth, we want to do John Friel’s Clear Life workshop. He’s provided some services to my family in the past and is the real deal.
Making Time for Therapy?
Do you think Skype is as effective as in person? Honestly curious because I have seen this offered and am not sure whether it could be great or a waste of time?
In the Pink
Teletherapy, distance therapy, video therapy is becomingmore common, yet it is governed by licensing boards. The provider must be licensed to practice in the State where the patient/client resides. So if the provider lives in Arizona and the client is in NYC, the provider has to be licensed in NY. Otherwise, the license board in NY can sue for practicing without a license. Then the provider can be liable for ethics violations in both states. Just a heads up. I know many ‘retts have legal backgrounds and licenses of your own…
Clementine
Lunch break appointments? Even if it has to be 45 minutes versus an hour?
Anon
I think initially you just have to take time off work and go to a 3 or 4 pm appointment. It is a priority, so you just have to make it work. If you needed to see your doctor you would make it work, right? Do that initially and then try to get on the waiting list for later appointments.
anon
There’s no easy solution. You just have to force-prioritize it. I adore my therapist, but she’s across town from my office and works 10am-4pm. I’m a young associate in a law firm so leaving during the day is generally discouraged unless perhaps you are actively dying in your office. So I set my appointments for lunch on Fridays (less likely to have depos, conf. calls) and let people assume I’m taking a long lunch or just say “doctor” if I need to. Generally, it hasn’t been the crisis situation I’ve imagined, but I also don’t have kids. You just have to do it. I put it off for so long “because I didn’t have time,” and looking back, I wish I hadn’t.
Anonymous
I would go during the workday. It’s a medical appointment. Nobody needs or is entitled to know more than that.
Anonymous
+1
It may take a few appointments to figure out what time of day works best for you. My DH is tired at the end of the work day and not at his best for appointments whereas I prefer end of day appointments because I have a hard time concentrating at work after a tough session. We alternate our preferred times.
Veronica Mars
Be careful with morning appointments if you’re a crier though. I pretty much cried every single session, so it was a blessing I could work from home after and not have to see my coworkers looking splotchy.
lawsuited
+1 Do it during the workday when you know childcare is covered. I try to schedule the first appointment of the day for medical appointments, because they’re more likely to be running on time versus lunch time or afternoon appointments.
Anon for This
Most therapists are not late. We charge for our time. If we are running long in a session, then everyone gets shoved back – like a MEDICAL practice. It’s simply not the same. It is fee for time. Everyone has their reserved time. We cannot infringe on another person’s time.
It’s what jacks up my blood pressure when sitting and waiting forever in a physician’s office. It’s disrespectful and cramming in more patients than can be seen in the alotted time just isn’t right. And yes, my father was a physician and did that…so I know from where I speak.
Pound
I am a physician and I am always running late. This isn’t because I “cram” in more patients hoping to earn more money. I have a high patient load and there are always more patients than there are clinic spots. Also, some people just need more time than the 15min slot we traditionally have available. When patients talk to me they realize I will listen. Listening to patients makes me late. As a patient you also have to realize that running late probably also stresses your doctor out as much as you. I hate being late. If I’m late it’s not because I’m grabbing a coffee (although I may desperately need one). It’s because my patients just need a bit more time. OR the VERY FIRST patient is late ( or second or whatever). Please be early if you’re the first patient…
Anon for This
“more patients than there are clinic spots” that’s my point…
Motivated by Money?
Would anyone here identify themselves as being motivated by money? If so, does it impact anything apart from your career (ie: voting tenancies as it relates to your position on raising/lowering taxes, providing public support, etc)? And, if you do, how would you defend it if challenged?
Just had an interesting conversation with a friend at lunch so I thought I’d pose the question, however broad.
Madonna
I am motivated by money. We are living in a capitalist world and I am a capitalist girl.
But I am very liberal, I support high taxes and social safety nets. Not everyone has the intellectual capacity or social access to make a living wage in the US, and I think it’s the government’s job to protect the casualties of capitalism.
Madonna
Oh, and I’m a lawyer.
Anon
What Madonna said (including the lawyer part).
Anon
+2
Anonymous
I’m motivated by money up until a point (and right now that point is less than what I make). So I can be really really motivated to take certain actions up until say $100k, as an example. But every dollar after that has little to no affect on my motivations. In terms of politics, I can’t say having money doesn’t impact the way I look at the world, obviously, but I try to make a really conscious effort to approach things with a “Veil of Ignorance.”
LAnon
I am very motivated by money! I am, at present, staying in a job that I am not really very happy with because sticking it out here offers a significant payout in 3-5 years. (I don’t hate my job, but I definitely wouldn’t be here if not for the financial upside.) I want that money, as much of it as possible, as a significant nest egg that I can build on to allow me to be less financially focused in the future, sort of a “work now, play later” mentality.
However, I am also very liberal. I’m liberal not only because I think it’s morally / ethically right, but also because I feel that I personally benefit from it.
Here is my favorite example to give people about how I can justify wanting to earn lots of money and also being fine paying lots of taxes: I drive a decent car now, and if I’m more successful in the future, I could get a nicer car. And then a nicer one, and this could continue forever. However, no matter how successful I am personally, there are some things that I can’t buy. I could be driving my brand new Ferrari to the spa every day, living my life of leisure, but without public funds and public infrastructure, I am stuck on poorly maintained, over-crowded roads. If my choice were between a really nice car, or a decent car, along with clean, efficient public transportation and well maintained roads, I would take the latter option every single time. It is frustrating to me that so many of our tax dollars are spent on things that don’t benefit the public (like wars and banking subsidies), but I don’t think tax cuts solves this.
So, in many ways, I’m pretty selfish and financially motivated. However, I see a great personal benefit in supporting higher taxes and various social and public support. I would love to see reduced income disparity, not only because it would be warm and fuzzy that people are more equal, but also because of the personal benefits like reduced crime, higher standard of living, etc.
I want to be as wealthy as I can be, but I am more than okay giving a significant amount of that wealth away to create a public, rather than personal, high standard of living.
Shopaholic
+1 I think I feel pretty similarly and you expressed it really well.
I’m making a lot of money for my age/friend group and it makes me feel uncomfortable but selfishly, I like being able to do whatever I want whenever I want without having to worry about the budget.
I’m Canadian so I’m used to paying a ton of taxes and also try to give a fair amount in charitable donations for causes I care about.
Runner 5
I’m motivated by money to an extent: I grew up somewhere expensive so I can’t move back home if my life doesn’t work out, so buying a place of my own and providing security for myself has been a key goal for a long time.
Other than being able to live comfortably, though, I’m not hugely money-focussed. Having a nervous breakdown in my second year of university (and recently seeing a lot of family friends/ favourite teachers passing away too soon) made me realise that enjoying life is more important than working as many hours as possible.
Anon
I guess I am motivated by money to a certain extent. I want to be able to provide a comfortable life for me and my family. However, I have been a young, single mother and know what it is to struggle to earn enough tips waiting tables to put food in my baby’s mouth. I know what it is to have my crappy, unreliable car leave me stranded in the middle of the night after getting off work late. So now, as a lawyer (and now married to a wonderful man who is truly a partner), once we earned enough to buy reliable cars, fund activities for our kids, go grocery shopping without having to really pay attention to what we buy, pay the mortgage without a worry, we feel like we make plenty of money! So, because of this perspective, I have continued to work my whole career for the public defender. I think about leaving for private practice sometimes and can’t imagine not doing this kind of work. So money (or a lack of it) motivated me to get through law school and find a job that paid a livable wage. I don’t make nearly as much as I could with my law degree, but I make enough and find fulfillment in my work.
Frozen Peach
Anyone feel like some armchair shopping? I just started working in a casual environment (but in the e-suite) and I need to find two things: affordable dark jeans that don’t create horrible muffin top (thus requiring me to wear tent-like shirts or no jeans) and cheap black ballerina flats. I go through the latter like crazy, because they’re basically the only shoes I wear.
Anon
I really like my jeans from Express. They are moderately high rise and the cut is barely boot or something like that. They have a little stretch and are comfortable and the rise (at least on me) hits at the perfect spot to avoid muffin top
Anon
+1 for Express jeans
Wow
I have a bit of a tummy and love the J Brand Maria jeans. They are high rise (but don’t look dorky). I wear the skinny jeans but here is a bootcut version that may be better for work:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/maria-flare-w-exposed-button/4222645?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=SERIOUSLY%20BLACK
In the Pink
I don’t know your size, age, shape, but I do find the NYDJ to have a sufficiently long enough fly for me and no muffin top. I don’t have a casual workplace, but this is the first time in my life that I have even owned more than a single pair of jeans (as in for wintertime errands, renovation work, lawn mowing). It’s the first time in my life I have actually worn jeans when out in public socializing. That says something, if I say so myself.
KT
+1 for NYDJ. I never wore jeans because they looked awful on me until I found NYDJ.
Anonymous
I love Old Navy’s high rise jeans.
Io
Payless Clair Scrunch Flat. They run $25, but sign up for Payless’s mailing list and you can get them much lower.
Katie
For ballet flats – E360 flats by Easy Spirit. I have a SERIOUS aversion to anything that looks like it could be in any way frumpy or orthopedic, but these look like any other basic ballet flat out there, are very cushiony, and hold up well. They have both fabric and real leather versions. I’ve purchased two pairs at DSW, and I’m sure I’ll buy another when my current pair wears out. DSW also offers coupons on occasion if you sign up for a mailing list. The style I purchased is “GetCity”, though they have others.
Also had some decent luck with Clarks (they have a pointed toe ballet flat that I prefer for work, as I feel the pointed toe is a bit more formal/polished). A bit more expensive, but can sometimes be found on sale.
Just Jealous?
My boyfriend’s relationship with his ex has boundaries (or a lack thereof) that make me uncomfortable. I’ve discussed this with him on numerous occasions but the conversations never go anywhere good. Mostly he just accuses me of being jealous and changes the topic.
I’m uncomfortable because this ex-girlfriend:
-Only ever (like, ever) socializes with my boyfriend one-on-one. Last night she invited him to a basketball game, just the two of them.
-Has never bothered to introduce my boyfriend to hers of many years, despite the fact that she considers my boyfriend to be one of her best friends. Also never makes an effort to include me in plans. I only met her for the first time recently after insisting on it.
-Discusses her current relationship with my boyfriend in extensive detail and relies on him heavily for emotional support (relating to her eating disorder and other very personal issues). My boyfriend often expresses to me that he’s worried about her – that she’s in a bad relationship, that she doesn’t take care of herself, etc.
My boyfriend doesn’t understand why I find this behaviour concerning. Am I out of line?I know that there is no physical cheating going on, but my gut tells me this isn’t right nonetheless. The problem is, I can’t exactly articulate why I think ex-girlfriend boundaries should be different than female friend boundaries. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?
KT
I mean, it comes it down to what you can handle, or not.
Personally, this wouldn’t bother me. If I trust my boyfriend and he says it’s just a friend, I believe him. I know I’m very good with friends with one of my exes (we go to dinner occasionally, give each other emotional support, etc, but there is nothing romantic about it, which thankfully my partner understands).
But that doesn’t mean that’s what it SHOULD be or anything. If that makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to feel that way and tell him about it. I would say many people would feel the same.
But I also caveat that it’s not “ex-girl-friend does this this and this”…your boyfriend does. If you tell him you’re uncomfortable with this situation and ask him to set boundaries, it’s up to him to maintain them. If he refuses to do so, then you need to make a decision.
Anonymous
But if your boyfriend asked to tag along at dinner with you and your ex was evening… would you be open to that? I think that makes a world of difference. If my husband didn’t want me meeting a friend of his, I’d have a lot of questions about why.
KT
It honestly depends. I don’t care if my partner meets my ex/friend, but if he wanted to be with us EVERY TIME we went out, that would be annoying and show he didnt trust me.
There some days where I just want to see my friend and vent or be a geek (we have an odd habit of discussing Shakespeare folios in depth). If that bothered my husband, that’s a good sign we wouldnt work out. Thankfully he hates the idea of listening to Hamlet dissected so leaves that part alone :)
Ellen
Yes, but who can trust a guy who does NOT respect that you feel uncomforteable with what he is doing with his ex. I think the ex is secretley trying to get him back, and away from YOU, so watch out. She clearly does NOT respect her own boyfreind, goeing out to places ALONE with your boyfreind. The ONLEY thing you do NOT have any evidence of is her becomeing PHYSICAL with your boyfreind, which I assume she has been in the past. The LAST thing you want to find out is that the 2 of them have had s*x, and then you have to worry about what diseases your boyfreind has brought back to give to you. So my recomendation is to be straight with your boyfreind, tell him to cool it with her (or you will cool it with him), do NOT have sex with him until you are assured he has NOT had sex with her, and that he promises NOT to have sex with anyone without first clearing that with you. Onley in this way can you have SOME assurance that your own health and saftey can be preserved. FOOEY on men that cheat on us! FOOEY!
Suburban
This would make me uncomfortable too. I’m not sure you should need to articulate much beyond the fact that the relationship makes you uncomfortable. How long have you been together? Is this an otherwise strong relationship?
Just Jealous?
We’ve been together for almost two years. Our relationship is great. We see eye to eye on almost everything I can think of … except this. It’s starting to cause a lot of strain.
It’s not necessarily that I think he’s WRONG to have this relationship with her. But I’m just not the kind of girlfriend who feels comfortable with it and he’s unwilling to make any changes. It seems like a silly reason to leave someone who is otherwise perfectly compatible with me, but this hurts. And no matter how I try to mentally reframe I haven’t had success.
Suburban
Sorry that’s tough. I wish I had better insight. For me, this comes down to the classic advice : is this something you are willing to deal with? It would be a deal breaker for me, personally, mostly because he’s not willing to see your point, which is reasonable.
Senior Attorney
I agree with Suburban. This is an area of basic incompatibility between you. You’ve said you don’t like it; he’s said he’s not going to change. It doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong. Unless you are willing to live with this you need to move on.
Remember: There are (1) things that are the price of admission, and (2) dealbreakers. There is no such thing as (3) things you can make him change if you just explain patiently enough and often enough why he should change even though he doesn’t want to.
Blonde Lawyer
I’m going to slightly disagree with S.A. but I think her advice is spot on for your situation. I think in healthy relationships, people do disagree over stuff and eventually decide to change when they see how important it is to the other person. Change doesn’t always come after one argument. But it’s not worth sticking around if an issue is a deal breaker and that person shows no desire to want to change.
Baconpancakes
It’s late, but I think there are certainly situations in which you can respectfully ask your partner to do something, and they’ll do it because they want to make you happy. You can’t nag or argue your way into a change, but if a partner agrees to do a thing you’ve asked them to do and they actually highly value your happiness, sometimes they will legitimately do that thing. My ex got really annoyed when I would put my (clean, socked) feet up on the dash of his car, so I stopped, no argument. My SO is way messier than I am, and the clutter was really stressing me out, so my SO agreed that we would make the bed every morning, and now he’s making a legitimate effort to do so.
What makes him a keeper is that he’s willing to try a reasonable small thing that will make me happier. If the SO’s boyfriend isn’t willing to do anything to assuage her discomfort, that’s the red flag.
Senior Attorney
Of course, Baconpancakes. I agree with that 100%. But if you’ve asked once or twice and he says no, then we’re in “number 3” territory and it’s either price of admission or a dealbreaker.
Anonymous
For me, personally, this is red-flag behavior because it shows a lack of regard and respect for how you feel. If I told my husband, “I feel uncomfortable about your relationship with ‘x’ and it would help me feel more comfortable if the three of us spent time together” and he accused me of being jealous and blew me off? I’d take that to mean he doesn’t respect my feelings and that he doesn’t want to prioritize our relationship over his relationship with the other person.
Anonymous
Yes to all this, with a caveat – I think it’s a little unfair to hold a (new? no clue here) BF to the same standards as a spouse. Prioritizing a friend over your SO is something-approaching-understandable with a newer relationship in a way that it’s just not with a spouse/serious long-term partner.
Just Jealous?
I’ve been with my boyfriend for just shy of two years and we live together.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t be ok with my husband having this kind of relationship with any woman, but an ex-girlfriend? NO FREAKING WAY.
Killer Kitten Heels
I think the real underlying issue here is the amount of time and emotional energy and intimacy your b/f is expending on her – time and emotional energy and intimacy that (at least arguably) should be going towards you as his romantic partner.
If this woman was not an ex, or was male, I’d probably still be troubled by the amount of time and energy going towards this person, particularly when, even when he’s with you, your b/f is spending still further time perseverating on her perceived life problems.
Have you tried approaching your b/f from the perspective of how this woman’s needs/expectations of him are affecting your relationship? What do you want and need from your relationship? How is your b/f’s relationship with this other person interfering with that? What would you like him to do to manage/minimize/eliminate that interference? THAT’S the conversation you need to have – and the one that’s likely to actually be productive.
Killer Kitten Heels
Side note, as someone who had an overly-intense relationship with an ex-b/f while dating someone else: having an overly emotionally intimate relationship with my ex actually kept me “stuck” in bad patterns and a bad relationship because I had all the emotional support I needed from my ex, so I could avoid the fact that I wasn’t getting it from my then-b/f, and that I wasn’t doing other things I needed to do to take care of myself. Breaking off contact with my “best friend” ex was the single best thing I did for myself in my 20s, because it forced me to look for what I needed in healthy places, and within myself, instead of relying on the ex for everything.
So basically, this is a long-winded way of saying, while your b/f may feel like his ex “needs” him because she has problems, he’s actually probably serving as an obstacle to her getting real help/dealing directly with her issues, because he’s giving her just enough support to make her life bearable as-is. Assuming your b/f’s description of her life is correct, cooling the co-dependent mess of a friendship they share would probably be doing her a favor.
Just Jealous?
You’ve articulated so much of what I feel but haven’t been able to express. Thank you!
Killer Kitten Heels
Also, Just Jealous?, I realize I omitted this from my original response, but I’ve also been in your shoes, with the man who is now my husband. Just saying I felt icky or uncomfortable about his relationship with his “best friend” definitely triggered a reflexive defensive response in him, but eventually I approached it from more of an information-gathering perspective and asked him questions instead of just focusing on how his friend made me feel – “Have you noticed you call Best Friend first when something good or bad happens to you instead of calling me first? Have you noticed you’ve ditched me twice this week because Best Friend *needed* you? What’s up with that? Do you see your romantic partner as being the first person you go to for that kind of thing, or is it always going to be Best Friend?” I kept it as neutral and open-ended as possible, and, in giving him the space to think about those questions, he ultimately came to his own conclusion about what to do (namely, back off from Best Friend and focus more on growing our relationship together).
Also, lo and behold, about 6 months after my now-H backed off from his “friendship” with Best Friend, she’d met a new b/f who she’s now married to and has a baby with. We see her once or twice a year and they’re intermittently in contact, but she no longer bothers me because I no longer feel like I’m competing with her (or anyone else) for my H’s attention.
Suburban
+1000 this is so well said
Anonny
+10000…infinity
Couldn’t have said it better myself. This is exactly why you need space from an ex after you break up and time to apart – its the only way possibly have a healthy friendship afterwards. Many people cannot do this – especially if you weren’t platonic friends to begin with. Cutting the umbilical cord in situations like this is crucial to ever move on from the relationship and potentially other issues you were ignoring/get yourself to a healthy state of mind after the break up.
A friend of mine has been having an on-and-off “relationship with her ex for the past 9 months or so after they broke up and its actually really sad. I feel bad for this ex-gf who seems like she is in a similar situation. HOWEVER, there needs to be boundaries and this situation is unfair to the OP. OP, definitely talk to your boyfriend about setting some boundaries .
Anon.
Eventually it gets to the point where, as others have intimated, it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t understand why you’re bothered by it; all that should matter is that you ARE bothered by it and that should be enough for him. Maybe you haven’t been together long enough for him to have had this sort of issue come up with one of your friends (not this EXACT issue, of course, but the sort of thing where he’s just supremely uncomfortable with the relationship) so he doesn’t recognize/understand your feelings. Maybe he’s just totally clueless, although it sounds as though you’ve discussed it enough that he knows what’s up. Personally? My husband has cut a friend out of his life because of how I felt about her individually and their relationship, and I have done the same for him. I can’t say that either of us were as close with our respective friends (and neither were exes) as your BF seems to be with her, and it took a lot of hard communicating, but he was my priority, and I was his. I think that’s the real discussion.
New Tampanian
My one “big” ex had a friend I was always uncomfortable with. They knew each other from college (just as he and I had known each other) but I never met her until I started dating him.
They were “garden” buddies between serious relationships. There was something about how she ALWAYS had her hands on him whenever I saw her that drove me crazy. And he was all too happy to meet her out to watch a game (and not invite me). I told him I was uncomfortable. He told me I was crazy.
I found out at her birthday party one year (that he dragged me to) that they had met for lunch earlier in the week. It was apparently something they did but he didn’t tell me. I may have drank too much at said party and told her I don’t trust her. She said she’d never actually date my ex.
We went through therapy – she was a big part of my problems. He said it was all in my head – that he didn’t want to be with her, etc. I always felt he wanted to be with someone more “fun” like her. In February of 2013, we broke up.
Fast forward to less than a couple months later and they’re dating. Fast forward to this past December and they’re engaged.
GO. WITH. YOUR. GUT.
Anonymous
Yep, I think it is very likely that your BF and this girl will end up together if your relationship ends. She’s acknowledged her relationship is bad and is likely just waiting for your relationship to end before she breaks it off with her BF.
Anon
Wow…just wow. I dont want to be a complete downer and say this is the OP’s situation but may yours be a lesson to others. Of course there are exceptions to this but if you feel like someone is cheating, something is off, spending a little ~too much time with someone then something is probably up. OR you dont trust your partner enough, both of which are not good.
halp
You guys.
I’m in this bizarre funk where I can. not. motivate myself to do anything. anything.
I know that I’m bright and capable. I can even see myself “killing” various tasks and really doing a great job. But then, I just can’t motivate myself to do them. I spend about 90% of my life feeling guilty and underutilized and like I’m wasting my talent. And then I’m like, “well, sit down and do the effing work, you idiot.”
I realize how maddening this sounds. I want to smack myself. I just am having a hard time making any headway on anything in my life.
I switched ADD meds today. I can’t tell if there is something clinically wrong with me or I’m just lazy a.f.
with you, sister
Are you me? I’m going through the exact same thing. I had an epiphany lately that I think I’m clinically depressed. I’m in the process of being evaluated and treated – but man, it’s all happening slowly and I’m still suffering in the interim.
I can’t offer any help or advice, but I sympathize.
Anon
No advice, but right there with you. I’m totally slacking at work and then going home and vegging out in front of the TV instead of doing any of the interesting, intellectually stimulating things I’d like to be doing. I think it’s partially because I feel burned out at my job and I’m leaving for grad school soon anyway (which I can’t wait for), so hopefully it’s just situational.
Anonymous
I hope it’s situational too! But please take precautions in grad school, because it would be a terrible place to have this pattern reemerge.
KT
Do you just feel burned out? Is it just work, or home stuff too?
halp
I’m pretty new to my job, and it’s a compelling mission. I’m just not sure what to do with myself.
It’s also home stuff.
KT
Compelling mission doesn’t necessarily rule out burnout…in fact it can make it worse, because every thing you do (or dont do) impacts lives! It carries a lot of pressure and the work never lets up
Madonna
Are you also me?
Anonymous
Adding to the “Did I write this while I wasn’t looking?” chorus. No words of advice, but all the commiseration.
Anonymous
Are you me? I’ve been wondering a lot lately if I have ADD and I could have written this post. I think it might be time to go to the doctor.
Jules
Add me to the list. Also thinking of being checked for ADD and trying meds. In my 50s.
Anon
Me too..and I think it is partly because I know I was depressed all through the last year due to very difficult life circumstances. I didn’t want to beat myself up for not accomplishing things during that time. I just wanted to survive. Now things are better but I still have no interest in anything. I am doing good at my job now (last year, I just did enough to keep my manager happy and not think about firing me), but I feel I can do much more which I am not doing and wasting my precious time wandering the internet.
I don’t think I have ADD (but definitely anxiety as I tend to worry a lot about all the things that can go wrong in future). In fact when I kind of have the opposite, I can focus of only one thing at a time and I cannot take my mind off that thing even if I want to. I have started making todo lists now. The lists have mundane tasks like wash dishes, do laundry, go for a walk etc. But it is helping in getting the tasks done and feeling a bit more accomplished. Cannot wait to break this rut and feel energetic again.
Anonymous
Nice to see that i’m not alone in these kinds of feelings.
I started “journaling” just a list of Things I did well that day and Things that could be better as a reminder to be more charitable in how I look at myself. Things I did well does get a little silly- I put stuff like flossing and taking my vitamins on there, but it is a nice reminder that even when I *feel* worthless I’m not *actually* worthless. Sometimes I skip the Things that could have been done better and just turn it into a to-do list, because it’s a better way to frame it than beating myself up about everything I didn’t do.
Anon
I’m glad to see that I am not the only one who includes basic, simple things on my “what I accomplished today” list–although it sounds like I need to start writing this stuff down!
Sometimes if I’m having a rough day, I can look at myself, and ask, “If a friend of yours were having a day like you’ve been having, would you look at her and tell her it was her fault?” And that sometimes helps shake me out of it. Also, I’ve just realized–kind of related to the idea of seeing just the facebook version of someone’s life?–it’s easier to be harder on yourself than on anyone else, because most of another person’s life, we don’t *see*, whereas we know about so. many. of our mistakes.
need a will
I’m a regular commenter who is not a lawyer.
My husband and I want (need!) a will and are serious about doing it in the next six months. My employer just started offering a legal services benefit, where for ~$250/year (in monthly premiums) I can supposedly get paid legal services, including the entirety of assembling a will. I’m trying to figure out if that’s a good deal or whether I’d do better working with a lawyer on my own if I’m only interested in a will alone. I do not foresee needing any other legal services in the coming year.
We have children, a home with a mortgage, some basic retirement savings, and a couple of small loans (car, school) and small assets (car, family heirlooms of minimal market value, etc). The most “complicated” item, I think, would be designating two potential guardians for the kids and a separate financial person.
What would a typical lawyer charge for something like that? Less than $250? I see that LegalZoom will do what I think we want/need for ~$150.
Is it a bad idea to go with the legal services benefit in general?
M
Call around and ask. Your needs do not sound complicated, but prices will vary by location. What’s the harm in asking estate lawyers in your area what they would charge?
My Two Cents
I live in Minneapolis and the combined cost for wills, health care directives, and powers of attorney for me and my spouse was quoted between $600 and $1,000. No children, home with mortgage, standard retirement savings, and what you’ve described as small assets. I would be surprised if you could get wills for you and your husband from an attorney for under $250. That being said, you might want to look into the reputation and quality of the legal services benefit your employer is offering.
I would not recommend using LegalZoom or similar services–my mother used one of those for her will and sure enough, when she died and she had to probate it, errors in the form and procedure meant we had to spend more time and money for probate. My opinion is that for the sake of your heirs, spend the money and get your wills done by a professional, not a piece of software.
My Two Cents
Ugh. We had to probate her will. “She” did not have to probate her own will. Miss that edit feature!
EP Atty
Legal zoom, etc., asking for trouble. You do not know what you need. Employer plans often pay at lower rates, so it’s all about volume, which means you may not get the service or attention to detail this type of planning requires. Pay someone to do it right. You only die once. Don’t screw it up.
Coach Laura
Like the jacket and the color, hate the sprayed-on look of the pants (maybe not sprayed on exactly but would not be work appropriate in my opinion).
Anon
+1. These would not be appropriate at my office.
Jules
+2. Leaving aside the fact that skinny pants make me look like an Oompa-loompa.
need a will
I’m a regular commenter who is not a lawyer. Apologies if this posts twice.
My husband and I want (need!) a will and are serious about doing it in the next six months. My employer just started offering a legal services benefit, where for ~$250/year (in monthly premiums) I can supposedly get paid legal services, including the entirety of assembling a will. I’m trying to figure out if that’s a good deal or whether I’d do better working with a lawyer on my own if I’m only interested in a will alone. I do not foresee needing any other legal services in the coming year.
We have children, a home with a mortgage, some basic retirement savings, and a couple of small loans (car, school) and small assets (car, family heirlooms of minimal market value, etc). The most “complicated” item, I think, would be designating two potential guardians for the kids and maybe a separate financial person.
What would a typical lawyer charge for something like that? Less than $250? I see that (a website that I think put me in moderation) will do what I think we want/need for ~$150.
Is it a bad idea to go with the legal services benefit in general?
MJ
This looks like a great travel bag. Slightly informal, but looks super-well organized.
http://www.patagonia.com/us/product/transport-tote-20-liters?p=49460-1
legal services benefit
Ugh, I can’t seem to get this to post. Apologies if it eventually appears several times.
Short version: I need a will. My employer offers a ‘legal services benefit’ where it appears I could get a will for $250 (in monthly premiums over a required year of payments).
Is that good deal if I’m only interested in a will? A very normal, standard, boring will? I do not foresee needing any other legal services in the coming year.
Is it a bad idea to go with the legal services benefit in general? (Is it the groupon of lawyering?)
Anonymous
In short to both your questions, yes. Yes, $250 is a good deal. Most simple wills seem to range between $500-$1000, and when you consider that even in less populated areas of the country and even for younger attorneys, the going rate for most attorneys starts at a low of $150-$200/hour, that’s still a good deal. I would be very wary of the legal services benefit offered by employers. The firms they partner with are the types that do a little of everything (not estate specialists necessarily) and aren’t necessarily staffed with the best and brightest.
Blonde Lawyer
Unfortunately, like all things law, the answer is “it depends.” The firm I work at is on the legal services benefit list. You will get fantastic service here on your will. If you get in a car accident, you will pay 25% instead of 33% if you have a contingent fee case. You will get stellar representation there too. What we won’t do, however, are the fixed fee, super low rate, all included cases. So, we do the reduced fee family law for example (25% off) but not the fully included ones because they pay something like $1500 for the entire contested case. Research the firm you are referred to. See if it looks like someone you would want to hire independent of the insurance or if they look like a churn and burn sort of shop. I’m not sure who would accept those “paid in full” cases, honestly. The wills though, are paid at a fair rate so we have no problem doing them. Same with contingency or other discount services. In other words, the second best type of insurance (if you have a choice) is probably the better one. The discount is worth it. The paid in full likely won’t get you a good result.
Blonde Lawyer
Just to clarify a few things – you pay $250 in premiums. The legal benefit people pay us a different rate for the will. Also, I agree with the caution about “a little bit of everything” lawyers. While the firm I’m at does a little bit of everything, the individual lawyers do not. We have a will/trusts/estates/probate person and that is all that he does. We have a family law person. We have some people that do mixed litigation but everyone still has a subfocus here.
OP
No worries; I’m in health care, so I’m all too familiar with contracted payments from insurance companies. For this, I’m essentially only comparing my out-of-pocket costs.
Thanks to all! I appreciate a gut check and a few price points. It does indeed sound like a good deal.
I’ll look further into who is actually available through the benefit and make sure there’s someone who specializes in wills.
Needs a will
What would the lawyers on this board recommend for a couple with kids who needs to get wills (it’s bad that we dont’ have them, I know.) We have no legal services benefit from our employers (that I know of) and $500-1000 would be a serious strain on our budget. I was just recently wondering about software/websites to do your own. If that’s not a good idea, how do we find a lawyer we can afford? We’re not in the bracket that would qualify for any subsidized services, just cash poor at the moment. We don’t have much money to worry about handing down – it’s more about who would take care of our kids. TIA.
Jules
Your local bar association will have referrals to attorneys who do wills and trusts. You can also check online legal directories (Martindale Hubbell or Findlaw, I think). Look for someone who seems established but is not at a very large firm (where the rates are high) and just call a few, ask what they would charge for simple wills. Or ask your friends if they have used an attorney and who they like.
Anonymous
YMMV, but I called a family lawyer about doing a simple will and she advised me to do it myself online. She said her rate was around $2000 (this was in the bay area, so very HCOL) and for our situation the online form would work just fine. She straight up told me, “You don’t need a lawyer, it would be a waste of money.” Your local library or community center may also have an “ask a lawyer” session where you could talk to a lawyer for free.
M
It’s also about money to take care of your kids if worst comes to worst. Generally speaking it’s a bad idea for minors to be the direct inheritors of large amounts of cash and only you know if you can trust the guardian to handle money for your children. Short term, you need a will ASAP because you have children. A DIY will is better than no will. Long term, you’re better off consulting with a reputable lawyer because you don’t know what you don’t know.
will
Yes.
For a simple will, this sounds great. I’d do it.
Money Question
Let’s say that you had a sudden cash infusion of $50,000, and want to put it into your stock market index fund. Would you 1) throw all of it into a stock market index fund at the same time, or 2) move it over in increments over time (for example, $500/week)? If increments, how big would the increments be?
I might go see a financial advisor but have never gotten a recommendation for a great one, so am working on figuring this out myself.
Anonymous
If it’s an index fund, I don’t believe they fluctuate enough to make the minor variations in purchasing future shares outweigh the interest gained by doing single deposit (assuming that DCA is your only reason for considering multiple deposits). Disclaimer: I am not in the financial industry, and I did not stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. :)
Anon
Do a search for dollar cost averaging vs lump sum. There are lots of articles and viewpoints out there. Find the one that speaks to you.
Anon
Do you have an account with bogleheads.org ? If not, you can create one and post your question on forum there. People there are evangelists for index fund investing and may tell you which is better or give you something better which you have not thought about.
Financette
There’s a study that answers this question: https://pressroom.vanguard.com/nonindexed/7.23.2012_Dollar-cost_Averaging.pdf
In summary, invest the entire sum immediately. You’ll minimize transaction costs and the change of human behavioral biases (e.g. forgetting to make that weekly contribution or wanting to double up on your contribution when your index fund rises).
Money Question
Brilliant! I came across some other advice that reached the same conclusion. Thank you all.