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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Colorblock Peplum Top

Sleeveless Work Top: J.Crew Colorblock Peplum TopOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This colorblock peplum top in J.Crew's Super 120s wool looks like a modern addition to a classic suit, or a great way to make a more casual work separate (a pencil skirt, ankle pants) feel more formal. Of course, know your office as far as sleeveless workwear is concerned — I'd layer this under a cardigan or blazer, or on top of a collared blouse. It was $128 full price but is marked down to $79. (With code SHOPNOW you can get $75 off your $200+ purchase or $25 off your $100+ purchase.) J.Crew Colorblock Peplum Top Here's a more affordable option and a plus-size alternative (solid and striped). Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-5)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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289 Comments

  1. Hey! Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and sending good vibes for your family into the universe.

    Any updates?

  2. I’ve tried this on in-store and unfortunately the V comes down WAY lower than pictured on the model — I’d need a cami underneath to make this remotely decent for work. I suspect they tugged the top down from the model’s back based on the way the hem is falling.

    1. I think you’re right – I noticed how high the peplum hem seemed to fall and thought it was just a design flaw.

  3. Just found out from a mutual friend that my ex-boyfriend (whom I am valiantly trying to get over) is back in touch with the woman he dated before me. The friend told me inadvertently and didn’t mean to upset me.

    I know the answer is that it doesn’t actually affect me in any way, that he is not dating me and is fully free to talk to her as much as he wants…and in fact it’s just another reason to forget about him. But I haven’t, and I just hate thinking I was replaced so fast. :(

    1. Think of it this way: he’s hurting too and is looking for comfort in the familiar. You’re doing the proper thing and doing the hard work of getting over him vs. rebounding.

    2. Or, it means he’s so desperate to not be alone that he’s going through the list of women he knows (and had previously broken up) to avoid being alone. It’s not that you’ve been replaced, it’s that he can’t handle being alone.

      It’s not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on him.

      1. Thanks…I know you are right and it’s helpful to think of it that way.

      2. My ex boyfriend did this after he broke up with the girlfriend after me. I didn’t entertain it at all and it was a while ago, but WOW was he a mess. Also all he ever talked about was the girl who dumped him …. and me (the other girl who dumped him) but not in like … a nice way. In like a he was off his rocker kind of way. I think Mpls is right.

      3. I’m sorry. To be perfectly honest, I will sometimes get back into touch with guys I’ve dated before after a breakup. It’s not that I’m trying to replace my ex, it’s that I’m sad and as superficial as it is, it helps to feel attractive/wanted again.

        that doesn’t make it any easier on you, I know! Hugs.

        1. I have done this too for the same reasons as TO lawyer. I am not proud of it, but we are all human!

          1. We are all human is right. And really, we did break up, and he has every right in the universe to do it. It just stung to hear about it.

  4. This top is pretty, but doesn’t look like it fits the model — too high waisted for her. Sad, because it means it would be way too high waisted for me too.

    1. I think it looks like it fits fine through the shoulders and bust. The peplum is just starting higher (more empire waist) than others you have likely seen (more at the natural waist). It’s a choice, and may not be flattering on some people, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t fit.

  5. Good morning, hive.

    Can anyone recommend a restaurant in NYC for Saturday night that 1) is reasonably affordable ($25 entrees, though less is welcome!) and 2) I could actually get a reservation today for 2 days from now?

    I live in DC and my boyfriend moved to Queens 6 months ago and I’m going to see him this weekend. We’ve gotten into a rut of hitting our same favorite neighborhood spots, and we’d like to go into the city and explore a little. There’s so much we haven’t seen and done yet, so we’re up for anything/anywhere (within reason). Any cuisine is fine. Thanks!

    1. It definitely depends on the type of food you’re looking for, but in that price range, great options are the plethora of Thai places (especially in Hells Kitchen) or a ramen place (my personal fave! I love Tonkatsu (pork) ramen!). The ramen place I usually go to doesnt take reservations, but I’ve heard Ivan Ramen is good and it has availability on Saturday night on OpenTable.

    2. Check out DBGB and Hearth (both East Village) and Barbuto (West Village/Meatpacking).

      1. The burgers at DBGB are so good. I think Hearth may be a bit on the pricier side, especially with drinks.

      2. The Smith is also good for brunch and one of the few restaurants in NYC that takes reservations for small parties for that meal.

    3. You could go to the Smith either in midtown east or downtown (thinking of midtown east because it would be very easy to get to from queens.
      For something fun and maybe different, I’d get Korean BBQ on 32d street (Kang Ho Dong Baekjeong or one of the more traditional places) … if you want a fun splurge (but not an unreasonable one) you can get couples massages at Jade Spa and hang out in their igloos before/after. They’re open 24 hrs, as are many of the nearby restaurants.
      Other: NYC has really good Indian food and it’s usually not very expensive. Brick Lane Curry House has several locations so pick where you like; it’s always good.
      Or, if you haven’t yet go get pizza at Motorino – there’s often a wait, but you can get a drink nearby while you wait and then go for a stroll in Tompkins Square Park. If you go, order the Brussels Sprout pizza. It’s amazing.

      1. I also second the Smith. I really like their Bibimbap bowl! It’s good because there’s usually something for everyone, and I’ve been with many different people and they’ve all liked what they’ve gotten!

    4. I adore Max in Tribeca for delicious and reasonably-priced Italian food. I think they’re on opentable

    5. I was just in NY this past weekend and my friends and I went to Song E Napule in Greenwich Village. Italian clearly. AMAZING pizza and reasonably priced wine. It’s not fancy but it’s a great neighborhood spot. I don’t think they take reservations but you’d be able to walk in.

    6. Have you been to venturo yet? (At 46th st on the 7). Incredible Italian, intimate, in your budget. Also magna Italian restaurant in flushing was surprisingly great as well.

    7. If you’re open to staying in Queens, there is amazing Thai food in Woodside. Check out SriPraPhai.

      I’m not sure if they take recommendations but I’ve never waited too long for a table despite its popularity. If the weather is nice they might open the back patio, which is nice. They only take cash.

    8. I’d skip the city on a Saturday night and go to No. 7 in Fort Greene if it’s accessible from where you are in Queens.

      1. Or Walters! right on the park, great cocktails. Get the french dip, and stop by General Greene’s outdoor ice cream stand after.

  6. I was hit with a high tax bill this year ($2K), when I normally get a refund. The only changes in my finances are a raise and adjunct faculty payment. I received a W2 from the school and it withheld some taxes – I don’t think this is the issue because my payment is about the same as my tax bill. I’m planning to proofread my return this weekend and make sure I did not invert any numbers, and I am considering having an accountant look at it after the deadline. (In a moment of panic, I filed and paid, but I could file an amended return if I find an error, I believe.) I’m single, no dependents, and do not own any property. I’d be grateful for any other ideas the Hive has on this.

    1. It sounds totally normal. When you have two W-2s, say one is for $50K and one is for $25K, for example, they each withhold assuming that’s your entire salary for the year. But really your salary is $75K and you have to pay a higher percentage on some portion of your income, and that’s not accounted for by the separate withholding. Ask them to withhold more next year.

    2. I agree that this is likely within the range of normal, but feel free to run it through again if it will make you feel better. Peace of mind is important. Also, it could always be worse: we owe nearly $20k this year.

    3. Yay Kat! Nice choice of Peplum, which I will show to Rosa, b/c she can look great in this sleeveless outfit. Me, not so much b/c my arms are a littel to flabbey. She work’s out 2 hours / day all week so she can look great for Ed. My onley exercise is tapping on my MacBook. FOOEY!

      As for the OP, I asked my dad, b/c I also got a W2, and he said that you pay taxes based on your income and what you ALREADY had deducted. So if they did NOT deduct enough BEFORE, you will have to pay now. Dad make’s sure I get enough deduction’s so that I do NOT have to pay taxes, and now that he has the acountant fileing the taxes for me, I do NOT even have to look at it, or sign it any more before the acountant files it. Dad says it was already filed and I did NOT even look at it so I do NOT know what is in there, but I trust Dad looked at it b/f the acountant filed it. YAY b/c I do NOT have time to waste on that stuff. That is why Dad is here and he works with the acountant to make sure I do NOT have to pay any taxes. Dad also get’s the refund if there is one, so I do NOT worry about that either any more. YAY!!!!!

      Myrna’s new freind wants to go to the Seder, but I think he is just interested in makeing sure Myrna does NOT find another boyfreind. She told me he is not that great (sexueally), so she is thinkeing of dumping him. Grandma Leyeh told me we just have to lower our expectation’s when it comes to men that way, b/c they can NOT all be like Brad Pit. I am comeing around to agreeing with her. FOOEY! Certainley, in my experence, I found Sheketovits to be pretty worthless, so the bar now is really set LOW. But I am FOREVER hopeful that a man will sweep me off my feet and MARRY me this year! YAY!!!!!

    4. We also owed this year for the first time ever. Similar situation with an extra income source that we didn’t have in previous years. That really can skew things, as the withholding on the smaller income is at a much lower rate – unless you expressly accounted for it – than the withholding on your normal paycheck. Look total amount of taxes paid (what you’ve paid during the year in withholdings + what you owe) and compare to the total income figure (both paychecks) and I’ll bet you see a % correlation that makes sense. Frustrating I know. I hate that making more money sometimes feels like you not taking home a thing more.

    5. Sounds fairly normal; you got a raise and a adjunct faculty payment–you may have been bumped into a higher bracket or as another posted said, it didn’t take out enough to accommodate the additional income.

  7. I’m going to Seattle for a long weekend in may. I like good healthy food and outdoor activities. Ideas for what to do/where to go while I’m there?

    2. Anthony Bordain has a 48 hours in Seattle episode that had a lot of places I wanted to try. I watched it on Netflix.

    3. We enjoyed the Chihuly Garden and Glass a lot more than we were expecting to, so I recommend that to everyone I know going to Seattle. I also loved walking around Ballard Locks.

    4. Love Seattle! I’m looking at moving there after finishing my Masters. For a quick, fun little walk, just meander around the Gasworks and up the western side of Lake Union to Odin and Fremont Brewing (if you’re into beer). La Push is always beautiful if you’re up for a drive!

    6. Restaurants: Try Cafe Flora and Poppy’s. Very good and gives you some of the Seattle sensibility about food.
      Outdoor things: Depending where you are staying you could walk the Arboretum, go on a bunch of different hikes (in city wise I’d suggest Discovery Park, outside the city I’d head to Whidbey or Bainbridge Islands). You could also rent a kayak/canoe at a number of places and paddle around.

  8. I wanted to say thank you for all the kind, compassionate, and helpful comments in response to my post on Monday about feeling hopeless and unlovable about being single at 36. I was sent on a last minute business trip after posting, so wasn’t able to join the discussion, but I reeeeeally appreciated the comments and stories and suggestions. Thank you!

    1. Hey hopeless – I’m so happy you found support here! I hope you don’t mind me piggy-backing, but I posted yesterday and also received amazingly thoughtful and kind advice from the Hive. Thanks to all who took the time to write!

    2. Glad to hear that you’re feeling better hopeless! Update us if you need more support or life changes :)

    1. If this is a response to me above, I know you are right and I hope I am in the right emotional frame of mind (is that a thing?) to remember the wisdom of this when he inevitably tries it in a couple months.

      1. You blocked his number right? Mmmhhhhmmm you know you should. Defriend. Unfollow. Ignore. Don’t trust everything to emotional willpower.

        1. Errrrr must admit I haven’t done any of those things except Ignore. I think on some distant level I’m still hoping that he will magically become a better person who’s worthy of my time and love.

          1. Except he doesn’t love you. Or even like you particularly much. If, in a non-existent rom-com fantasy realm, he becomes worthy of you, he will find you. For our reality-based reality protect yourself from future bad choices now.

          2. Haha/ouch.

            Good point, and when our eyes meet across a subway platform and the doors close between us, I’ll know the rom-com is starting.

        2. anon – I actually laughed at that last response. It sounds to me like you’re taking this in stride! Don’t let this dull your shine.

          1. Thanks, N. Certainly trying to take it in stride…not sure I’m succeeding yet, but doing my best!

  10. How do you protect your sleeve jackets from underarm odor/discoloration when wearing sleeveless shirts? (Which I don’t like, but have a lot of trouble finding shirts with sleeves.)

    1. For me, I use antiperspirant. I went through a period when I was sweating through shirts and had great results with Certain-Dri. If that’s more than you need, have you tried applying the antiperspirant at night? I think that the product buildup works a number on fabric. I swear by Secret Clinical Strength Waterproof now.

  11. Question for those of you with kids….do you have a will? And does it specify guardianship of kids in case you pre decease them?

    1. We were married for 10 years without a will, then we finally got ours together when I was 9 months pregnant with my first. I’m a lawyer but we just hired an experienced estate lawyer to handle it. And yes, it does specify guardianship. I would urge everyone to have a will, but especially so if you have children.

    2. Two kids, ages 4 and almost 3. No will yet. It’s been on our to do list for a while now… Shameful, I know. It will specify guardianship when we get it done.

    4. We did wills when kids were about 7 and 4, but should have done it sooner for peace of mind. Guardianship of the kids was most important, but we also set up trusts for them. There is no way I want to risk a 10 year old inheriting real amounts of money. We also had to deal with knowing that the best relative to parent them and the best relative to manage money were different people. Once you get it done, don’t forget to look at it occasionally to make sure that you don’t need to change anything!

      1. +1 Many people think a simple will is enough for their situation, but even people who are middle class/moderate earners have more than they realize in retirement/life insurance benefits. In most states, money left to a child outright ends up in an account subject to court oversight — proper trust planning can avoid having to deal with the court on an annual basis for 20 years.

    5. Yes, got a simple will after the kids were born. We have 3 choices of guardians listed in order of our preference.

      1. Same. I also wrote a letter that is included with the will that provides some context for our choices, as well as preferences (i.e., please stay in touch with and visit side of family that won’t receive guardianship, etc.). This is a know your audience kind of thing, but our family is super spread out, and my parents would be our first choice for guardianship. If husband and I die while our kids are young, we would love for my parents to move to be closer to my siblings, as one sibling would help with kids and eventually take over guardianship as my parents get older. Sibling and spouse live in a very unusual location that would be a traumatic sudden change if kids are raised with grandparents in a suburban location then shipped off as they get older. Similarly, if our kids are older, my parents would move closer to the Big City where we live now to provide continuity of lifestyle for the kids (finish out high school or whatever), and we have close friends (basically family) who could help if needed. The sibling and the local family friends are named as contingent guardians if parents disclaim (order is parents, sibling, close family friend). We also named a separate trustee if my sibling or the family friend takes guardianship (basically, the sibling gets the kids and the friend gets the money, or the friend gets the kids and the sibling gets the money). We liked the idea of a brain trust looking out for the kids, and it would keep everyone invested in the kids.

        Again, it’s a know your audience kind of thing. Before drafting the documents, we had a serious conversation with our parents about their willingness to move in the manner outlined above, and their ability and willingness to take over care. They know we have a good plan in place if they do not feel up to raising kids. Our kids will inherit sizable life insurance policies, which would offset the financial burden associated with their care.

        Our belt and suspenders approach stems from my husband losing his parents at a very young age, and not much of this was considered, which made a hard/sad situation even worse. We wanted to provide as much stability as possible if history repeats itself.

        1. That should say, we talked about this with my parents, sibling and the family friend to make sure everyone was on board before we drafted. We also intend to revise the documents as our kids and my parents age, as we’d probably want to re-visit the choice of local guardians (are they still local? have my kids bonded more with another set of trustworthy guardians, etc.). But even if we didn’t revise, I’m comfortable with what we have written.

          The thought process behind it was eye opening to me – down to, whether to name sibling and spouse as guardians, as what happens if they get divorced?

      2. Same with us. However, that was a long time ago. Our oldest is now 16. I’m thinking we should probably revisit that will to make sure it’s still applicable.

    6. Yes, and yes. We have wills, regular trusts, and life insurance trusts. If we ever pass away the kids will get about $4M in the death benefits, so those will all have to be held in trust for them until they are old enough – should be enough to get them through college and buy the guardians a bigger house.

    7. Yes, we have one. My youngest just turned 18 and I have been thinking that we really need to redo ours at this point. I also would have peace of mind if I could set things up to be the absolute simplest things to handle for my young adult children.

      My mother passed away recently, and the biggest gift she gave me and my sisters was a well documented and handled estate. She had everything in place and it has made everything so easy.

      1. Yes, please do update it now that your children are no longer minors. I remember when my parents updated theirs once I was an adult (I’m the oldest child) and changed it so that I was responsible for making decisions, handling the estate, etc, instead of leaving it to another relative.

    8. I have a will from when I was single. 1 husband and 2 kids later, no updating of the will. I have vowed to outlive my husband. BUT I am about to unilaterally redo my will just to get this done!

      He doesn’t want to spend the $, has no assets other than what I’d get by contract, so the will would still be usefull in the event he outlives me (so I recognize he could change his will later, but still, maybe we are in the same accident and I die first and he dies the next day).

      I really need a will b/c I had a lot of assets prior to marriage and retitled none of them (he has a grabby exwife, so I want as few assets as possible in his name) and if I die with minor children, in my state they’d take under the intestacy statute (and some by contract). I’d do a will that pours over into a trust (husband does not need this complexity) and even while providing for stepkid (college mainly at this point, he is older) while giving husband a life interest (am a huge believer in spendthrift-type trusts and late distributions to children so that the $ doesn’t evaporate).

      And guardians — neither of us wants his people and I have a cousin who’d do a great job (so we want the trust to help with the substantial $ demands this would place upon her), one set of aging grandparents, or even stepkid as guardian of last resort.

      So, when is it OK to act unilaterally on this complex task when husband’s will can be done in 10 minutes any time he wants (and there isn’t much downside intestacy risk)???

      1. Following.

        DH has no interest in bothering with a will even though his father died without one and it created massive headaches for his mother dealing with her grief and the estate at the same time. I think he associates talking about wills with dying youngish like his father did. I hate that we have three young children and no wills/guardianship. Contemplating doing one on my own so at least there’s something in place if needed.

      2. Um, why not? You have children and assets, and a will that does not involve the kids. If your husband wants to stick his head in the sand, fine, but why on earth would you subject your family to an outdated (but still valid) will and no estate planning?

        You do not need his permission to do this. Drop the drama about intestacy statutes, grabby ex-wives, and who has what assets. You have kids and a will that does not provide for them. Fix it. Now.

  12. I would love to hear from anyone here who has gone through the process of freezing their eggs. What was the process like, how much did it take you away from work (appointments etc) and how did the meds affect you? And what was the total cost if you don’t mind sharing? I’ve already decided to freeze my eggs, now it’s just a matter of figuring out when to do it and how to plan my year around it. Any advice appreciated!

    2. There’s an older post on this with a great thread you should be able to find. It was the topic post, actually, but it’s probably 2 years old.

    3. A woman who I know through mutual friends wrote a nice medium essay about her egg freezing process. I believe her company covered the first round for her: medium dot com /@wren/field-guide-to-egg-freezing-6ef72119c9ea#.ld0tzreto

    4. i’m happy to send you a longer email about this process (went through it 15 months ago) or even talk on the phone if you’d like. email me at shamlet96 at yahoo dot com.

    5. I can tell you a bit about my experience. One thing you should know is that it’s almost identical to the IVF process (the big difference being that you don’t fertilize and then transfer back the embryos) so if you google that a bit, you’ll find a TON of info about the process.

      The first thing you should do is schedule an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. If you’re in NYC, I recommend Cornell highly, though they’re a pain in their own right as well. You’ll go in for an evaluation (and blood work) and, if you have your period, may do an ultrasound right then and there to see what your follicle count looks like (this is a transv@ginal ultrasound, not an abdominal one –doesn’t hurt at all). They typically start your cycle on day 2 or 3 of your period. You’ll take medication starting then for about two weeks (sometimes they’ll have you use estrogen patches for two weeks leading up to your cycle, depending on your hormone levels).

      Then, when your follicles have ripened to the right point, they’ll do a relatively quick procedure (sometimes in office, sometimes at an ambulatory surgical center — the latter if Cornell) under moderate sedation (so you’re out but not intubated). You’ll have to take the day off of work, though you might be able to put some hours in from bed in the afternoon. The anesthesia left me very groggy all day. They’ll call you in the next day or two to tell you how many eggs you got.

      All in all, it can be relatively quick — some people are over and done with it all in a few weeks time. For me, it took longer because I had a very low follicle count (each month, you have a certain number of follicles and each follicle can release an egg — during your normal cycle, only one will ripen and release an egg; during IVF/IUI/egg freezing, all follicles ripen and should release one so this is your baseline) and we had to wait for the best month.

      As for cost, I was extremely lucky in that my insurance covered it all, but I believe the meds were around $4-5K and the procedure/appts was around $10-12K. But I’m honestly not sure. Good luck!

      1. Oh, and as for time commitment. At Cornell, they do all of their monitoring appointments by drop-in from 7-8:30am (though you may not get out of there until closer to 10 if you show up at 8:15). I think most centers do them early in the morning to accommodate work schedules. You’ll also have to do injections most nights around the same time (7-10pm usually) so your social life may get a bit cramped for two weeks. And then there’s the actual procedure day, which you can’t really predict by more than a few days — so no work travel for that two week time period. Hope that’s helpful!

  13. Any recs for a fitness class in DC for $20 or under? I like group classes for the motivation on a few times a month, but so many places seem to be $30-$45 per class (looking at you LavaBarre). The type doesn’t matter, I like HIIT, zumba, pilates, yoga – anything really. I’m not looking into Class Pass, I bought a trial month once and it was so much planning and my work schedule is a little unpredictable.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. It’s not under $20, but one of my favorite NYC fitness classes, Flywheel (spin), opened a studio in DC. If you buy a 20-pack, it works out to $24/class.

    2. It might be worth it to join a real gym – like a Sport and Health or Golds – I’ve really enjoyed classes at the Golds I attend (ballston, arlington) and a months membership is about 40 bucks, depending on what the “deal” of the month is – so a months worth of classes for the price of one lavabarre/corepower/choose your insanely expensive workout.

      1. +1 Not in DC, but a Golds recently opened near me. I found out through the gym grapevine that at my $129/month boutique, class-only gym that my favorite instructors were also teaching regularly at the new Golds. Same instructors and classes for a fraction of the cost? And a steam room? And machines? SEE YA, old gym.

        Consider looking at the class schedule and instructors at a bigger gym and google their names – you might find the same thing I did, and therefore better value at one of the larger gyms.

    3. I’m not sure where you’re located, but I LOVE my Sport & Health gym. They’re a local chain and I believe they’re mainly in the VA suburbs. With my corporate discount, it’s $60 per month (I think regular is $75?) and they have great equipment, super friendly trainers, and a million classes included for the price. I’ve been going to a really fun upbeat weight lifting class (Les Mills Body Pump) and they have yoga, spin, everything you can imagine. They even had barre until the instructor left.

      1. I have a serviceable gym in my apartment building (although really only one person can do weights at a time, decent cardio machines), but I’m moving away mid-summer so I don’t want to lock into anything. I live in Arlington and work in Friendship Heights, so I have a lot of city I can go to on my regular commute to workout. I may just bite the bullet and pay a little more for the short term for classes then.

      2. My gym, Balance, is very reasonably priced and has a ton of class options available at different times, so there are lots of ways to mix it up. Even with an unpredictable schedule, if you attend one or two classes a week, you’d be under the $20/class price point.

    4. Haven’t been to the three DC outposts, but Pure Barre would work. Their new client special is $125 for an unlimited month, which would come in under your price point if you go at least 7 times; if you get a contract and go 4-5 times a week after that, it looks like it would be right around $20. Other than that, I think a gym would be your best bet if you’re down to take a variety of different classes.

      1. I think in some locations the Pure Barre new client special is even lower (close to $100!)… though probably not in DC now that I think about it.

        OP, most specialty exercise studios have similar new client specials, so you could also try a couple different options out for first months before deciding. That would also give you a chance to decide whether many classes at the same gym or a variety of classes work for you.

        Finally, do you have Class Pass in DC? We have it in Chicago and it allows you to take classes at several different studios.

        1. It’s $125 for the three DC city locations…I take in RVA and checked the numbers, since I was 99% sure it would be higher ;) I didn’t look at the ones in the ‘burbs, though.

          1. ah, you did your homework! :) The Chicago-area PB locations offer $99/unlimited month, but I should have assumed DC would be higher.

    5. Your best bet is promotions. SolidCore has an intro offer of 2 classes for $34, Core Power Yoga has a free week, etc

    6. Love love love my barre studio, Xtend. It’s in old town, so convenient if you’re in S. Arlington. They have a $99 first month special and after that, class packs are $19/class. It has more cardio/dance component than other barre studios I’ve tried and the community there is fantastic.

    7. So this is completely biased because I loooooove this class, but ((305)) is AMAZING. There’s a DJ in each class, the lights are dim, and I swear that no one is paying attention to how you’re dancing. You leave each class drenched in sweat but feeling like you’ve just had the most amazing time with your best friends on the dance floor at 2 a.m.

      They have a new student deal where it’s 3 classes for $29. After that, you can buy class packs that bring each class dow to $21. Classes are held at the BodySmith on 14th.

    8. Seriously, ClassPass is the best thing that ever happened to my wallet and workout schedule. I pay $109 a month for unlimited classes (can only take 3 per month per studio). Most DC exercise studios participate as well as several gyms. I go to strength-training classes about twice a week, a couple pilates or yoga classes, and a spinning class, with a bootcamp class mixed in occasionally. I work and live in the city, so it’s easy to find classes that are close by, and the ClassPass website has this great filter that lets you narrow down the available classes by time, type of exercise, and location. I can’t recommend it enough. There were some promos earlier in the year for $19 for 2 weeks, so I’d look for something along those lines and give it a try.

      1. Ok, so I looked at your question again and you specifically said you weren’t interested in ClassPass. I also have a somewhat unpredictable work schedule (biglaw), but I budget in a couple of missed class fees a month, and I tend to schedule classes later (7/7:30ish) so that I typically don’t run into issues. There are also plenty of morning classes if that’s your jam, and of course the weekends are easier to plan schedule-wise. I know I sound like a total shill, but I’m really that excited about it…

  14. My undergraduate thesis/ dissertation is due tomorrow and somehow I’ve not made plans yet for celebrating it being over. I need to crowdsource your celebration ideas, please, ladies!

      2. I mean, I am always there for you. But thesis celebrating generally calls for my fancy friend Champagne.

        1. Ooh that’s a good point. I was thinking small. This does call for the bubbly!

        2. I must agree with my friend Shots. Shots. Shots. Perhaps you could start the party with me, say at a classy rooftop celebration with some friends, or perhaps a patio somewhere? As the night progresses, I bet Shots. Shots. Shots. would love to join us.

        3. Yep, the night I was approved for tenure, I had my own bottle of champagne and drank straight from it!

    2. Woohoo! That’s fantastic! I’m trying to get my PhD dissertation done in the next few months.

    3. A night in to decompress and then head out to celebrate with Shots the next night.
      I remember being so drained right after finishing the bar exam. I had all these big plans to go out that night. In reality, I managed to hang for maybe one drink and then was asleep super early.

      1. I agree with Catlady!

        CONGRATS! I was so burnt out at the end of my undergrad degree and found it really though to get through my thesis. It really is a wonderful milestone to have behind you!

  15. I was in conversation with my manager this morning and another manager (male) literally took her arm and pulled her away to his office to talk to her while I was mid sentence. She laughed, but I just stood there, stunned, and then said “Never mind” and walked away. This is not the first time this guy has acted like the younger women in the office are inferior.

    1. Whoops, I posted too soon. Anyway, I don’t want to make a big deal out of it and come off looking like a b!tch but I feel like I have to say something.

      1. You’re junior to both of them? It sucks but you might be better off just not saying anything.

        1. Agree, although it’s infuriating. Men in the workplace can be such entitled a**holes.

          1. Thanks, you’re probably right and I will hold my tongue. It just goes against my entire personality and every instinct to sit back and let these things happen. I’m sitting at my desk just steaming!!

        2. Yeah, that was boss’ role to say, “Excuse me (Jerkface), but I’m in the middle of a discussion with X. I’ll come see you when we’re done here.” More a fail on her part for laughing it off.

    2. You don’t have to say anything, but please do write down a quick description of this, date, and time. Add to the list when this dude does more stuff like it.

      Maybe nothing will come of this, but if a young woman (or even your manager, who was also treated badly in this situation) has a problem with this guy and makes a stink, it will be tremendously valuable to have a comprehensive record of the way he treats women.

  16. Who’s training for a race or athletic event this summer?

    I’m prepping for two firsts: a long-distance cycling event and a sprint triathlon! I’ve ran a few 5ks in the past and have newly picked up cycling after becoming borderline obsessed with spin over the winter. I’m a little terrified but so excited for both events – it’s so fun to track progress! Who has triathlon tips?

    Major kudos and cheering for anyone working towards a goal – no matter how long the race, it’s a big accomplishment and will feel so amazing to complete it!

    1. I’ve got a half marathon coming up in two weeks, and a full marathon on the schedule for October – neither of those are summer but hopefully they count!

      1. Ha, yes!! Good luck! I didn’t even realize I phrased it that way. I live in a place where it snowed yesterday and is 75 today. We have two seasons – winter and road construction.

    2. 40 mile bike ride in 17 days. Longest I have ever ridden is 15. Someone promise I won’t die?

    3. Awesome!!! You’ll kill them both.

      I have been training for a bunch of upcoming races – a road 5k, trial 15k, trail half, trail 10k, and a 17 mi trail challenge. My “season” starts 4/23 and the challenge is 6/4! Fingers crossed for no injuries.

      I am also training for a horse show late May, but that doesn’t require much because my horse is a rock star and if I haven’t figured him out in 9 years, we’ve got problems!

    4. Hoping to run my first marathon in four years in November. My last one ended badly, and I’m hoping to replace those bad memories with good ones!

        1. Nope, Richmond. Was thinking about MCM, but saw bad reviews around the start logistics (no corrals, apparently!).

          2. I ran Richmond last year as my first and only marathon! The logistics were fabulous. I highly recommend it. May you have equally awesome weather!

    5. I’m training for a 50k ultra (31ish miles) at the end of the summer. Hoping to get a half or two in also. I’ve run a handful of marathons and was ready for something new this year, although not quite sure if I’m ready to dive head first into the ultra world. Running is my sanity.

      1. That’s amazing! I know a guy who runs the 24-hour races. I can’t imagine, but it seems like once the ultras get their hooks into you, you’re a goner :)

      2. You and my ultra running friends are my heros. I want to make the jump, but I’m skerrred (and am not sure with my 800 hobbies I have the time to commit to that level of training).

    6. Working towards my first 10K after several 5s. It’s been hard to stay on track with the training but a good motivator.

    7. I have always want to do a sprint tri but have never been able to pull the trigger. This just gave me the motivation to actually do it. Signing up tonight! Any tips for a first timer?

      1. Yay!!!! I’m definitely not qualified to give tri tips yet, but I’m doing it with a friend and she’s a huge motivation to me. My only goal is to finish and do it in 2 hours or less.

        Personally, the swim is by far the most intimidating part, I casually joke about dog-paddling the entire 500 yards (but seriously, maybe). I did find this workout plan for the swims that seems do-able, and is only 2x per week: http://www.active.com/swimming/articles/12-week-swim-workout-plan-for-sprint-triathlons
        Right now I’m focused on preparing for my cycling event, and after that 15 miles will be no problem. As far as the run, I’m not a fast runner but have done C25k successfully before, so I’ve started that program over. I haven’t decided if I’m going to use the 5k faster app or the 10k app once I’ve worked my way through to 5k.

        The biggest thing that I’ve found when I train for any event is to 1) work out a specific training schedule and write it down in my paper planner – my workouts are down between now and August, 2) plug the specific thing I need to do that day into my google calendar so the alert pops up on my phone as I’m getting up in the AM 3) don’t even think about it, don’t second guess, just do the workout, then 4) cross it off on the paper planner – so satisfying :)

        1. Some advice (based on experience):
          – if your swim is in open water (rather than a pool), try not to have the race be the first time you ever wear a wetsuit or swim in open water. It is very different than the pool.
          – practice sighting (lift your head out of the water to look where you are going)
          – practice your transitions (putting shoes on quickly, don’t forget to take your helmet off)
          – Night before the race be sure you have all your gear
          – do some brick runs. 5-10 minutes immediately off the bike. It’s called a Brick Run because that’s what your legs will feel like.

          Good luck!

    8. Good luck! If I ever get a bike I might try a tri.

      I’m training for my 3rd half marathon – it’s in June. And I’m hoping to run my 4th in the fall. If I don’t get injured like I did after my first 2. Changed my training – hopefully that’s enough to keep me healthy.

  17. I’m the commenter who posted the other day about getting a new job (thanks to a friendly staffer!) after years of trying to get out of my super toxic office environment. The fact that I’ll get to start a new job is finally sinking in… and I’m terrified. I’ve been in this toxic environment so long that I have no confidence left, I feel totally beaten down. What if I get to the new job and they find out I’m as incompetent and lazy as my current job makes me feel? What if it turns out that I’ve actually been no good all along and my current partner is treating me like I deserve to be treated? What if they fire me right away because of how worthless I am? Has anyone been through this?

    1. Been there, done that, have ALL the t-shirts.

      The biggest thing that helped get me through was reminding myself to focus on what was directly in front of me. Example: my new boss asked me to make edits – accept that new boss wants edits, period. Do not turn it into “oh my gosh, new boss wants edits, it’s probably because I’m the worst, I bet that’s what new boss meant when new boss said there’s a learning curve after giving me the edits, she’s probably going to fire me next week because I’m not up to speed fast enough…” etc. Basically, don’t catastrophize. Do the tasks you’re given as best you can, and take the feedback that you get at face value. Assume people are saying what they mean and meaning what they say, and don’t read into anything. In a toxic workplace, you get used to “decoding” everything and reading the double and triple meanings behind every comment and gesture – in a normal workplace, that’s not a thing, so you have to work hard to shut that part of your brain off.

      Also, don’t be afraid to ask your boss how you’re doing at various points early on – I had check-ins with my boss on the “how am I doing” front at 1, 3, and 6 months, at my request, even though I wasn’t required to have a review until the 1 year mark. If your new boss and workplace are normal, they’ll appreciate that you’re actively soliciting feedback and will be happy to give it. Again, I think toxic places teach you to hide from feedback because it’s never anything but terrible, so getting in front of your fear by confronting it head-on will help you.

      1. Thank you, you’re so right about the double and triple meanings and the horrible feedback. I will keep this comment and re-read it when I feel panic that my new bosses will have feedback for me.

    2. I’m gonna say something and I’m only going to say it once, so listen (read) up: YOU ARE AWESOME. FULL STOP.

    3. One of the things that helped me was to look at te actions if the vicious, sexist person. Sure, he said that I was a terrrible employee every single day, but oddly, he never needed to fix my work product, and, for all the bashing he did of my big project (involving a huge upgrade to the prior years’ processes), his plan was to replicate it in subsequent years and have me do the work. So by actions, he knew I was darn good.

      Are your toxic bosses making stupid changes to wording, or are they redoing all of your work because your entire theory of the case is wrong? Are they screaming about formatting, or are they redoing formula errors in spreadsheets?

    4. Both KKH and Godzilla gave great feedback, but I also wanted to add that I went through this last year, and in the beginning it was still a bit tough because I kept waiting for irrational responses to my work product, but then I got genuine thank yous and eventually got great feedback on how awesome I’m doing. I also remember the week/month when I realized my PTSD was gone.

      In the meantime, I think the fake it till you make it helps, so channel your inner rockstar self (the one before toxic office cut you down)

  18. I think my weekend wardrobe needs some new striped shirts. LLBean’s French sailor vs Boden’s Breton? Or is there a better one out there?

    1. I’m a big fan of Boden’s Breton, but I just got one of the organic cotton striped long-sleeved tees that H&M has in at the moment and I love it. It’s so soft!

      1. I’ve never heard of Sezane, but my goodness their dresses are absolute stunners. I think the Pila just became my tax return present. Does their sizing run small?

        1. Oh my gosh, yes! Never seen this company before but this is amazing! The SHOES!!!

    3. I have the LL Bean and I love it so much I just replaced it after having worn out the original (stain plus a tiny hole in the front). It gave me three good years of hard wear and machine washing and drying.

    4. I own them both. Boden’s Breton is a little thinner but wears better for me. LL Bean shrunk A LOT after a few washings in cold water and tumble dry low, which I’m pretty sure were the instructions. It didn’t get narrower but it got shorter.

  19. I posted quite a while ago about debating a clerkship and the Hive was so helpful in prodding me to do it that I’m coming back for more advice. I’m currently a second year Biglaw associate, starting a clerkship in federal court in September. It’s not district– it’s a specialty court and I’m in what’s considered the premier district for this particular specialty, with a high-profile judge. Although I do not want to practice this specialty after my clerkship, it overlaps enough with my current practice that I’ll get useful experience. But the fact that this is not a straight-up district clerkship has kind of been gnawing at me, and I started considering applying for a circuit clerkship for the following term. I recently had an appointment with a clerkship advisor at my law school alma mater and she said that while I’d be an excellent candidate, I’m significantly behind the 8-ball in the application timeline for the 2018 term (I was surprised by how many judges are already full nearly two years out). Other background considerations: I’m 28, married, and would like to start trying for kids in the next couple years; we can’t really afford to maintain two households if I clerk far away; I’d like to come back to my same firm after clerking.

    So here are the options as I see them. I can apply to whatever circuit judges are within a reasonable commuting distance of my current city, and if that doesn’t pan out: 1) do nothing, enjoy my specialty clerkship and go back to the firm; 2) apply for 2017 district clerkships. I’d be likely to get one and there are many more judges hiring; 2) apply for 2018 circuit clerkships. I’d be likely to get one in that time frame, but this raises a lot of issues with returning to the firm and leaving again, clerking in my fifth year (too senior?) and putting off having kids for over three years from now. I guess there’s an option 4: I could apply to far-away circuits that are still hiring and we could figure out the living situation if we cross that bridge (we rent, so we’re not tied to a mortgage payment– husband could potentially follow me or move back in with his parents for a year).

    As I type everything out now, I’m already eliminating the 2018 option in my head, but would appreciate input from anybody with more experience than me on these issues. If you made it this far, thanks for reading my novel.

    1. The part I’m missing here is why you want to clerk twice — it seems like you will get plenty of exposure to chambers, etc. from your specialty clerkship, right? Are you worried that specialty isn’t “prestigious” enough? Are your goals for the future (e.g., making partner in an appellate firm) such that a circuit court clerkship is pretty much a prereq?

      If you just want some clerkship experience to round out your junior litigator profile, I don’t see the concern.

      1. To be 100% honest, I want the prestige. I would love to do appellate work but even if I don’t go that route, I feel like a circuit clerkship (or maybe even district clerkship?) would set me apart from the very competitive Biglaw crowd. And yes, my current goal is to make partner at this firm or maybe at another Biglaw firm. My 100% dream job is to be a federal judge myself. That kind of scares me to type out but there it is.

        And the more I think about it, the more I wish I had applied for a district clerkship rather than just taken the specialty option when it was offered to me through a connection. I have heard wonderful things about this specialty and this judge, but it’s not what I want to do with my practice. I’m a little concerned it might look out of place on my resume.

        1. Sounds like this is bankruptcy court? Not to dampen your enthusiasm, but I think it would be pretty near impossible to go from a specialty court like bankruptcy to a COA clerkship. To district court, yes, but COA would be a big leap. That shouldn’t prevent you from applying, of course, and it sounds like your judge is well connected and if you do a great job for him I’m sure he will make some calls for you to COA or district court judges. In fact, I would really urge you to leverage your specialty court judge to get another clerkship if that’s your goal. These federal clerkships are insanely competitive and having a personal connection can be crucial.

          It may look a little out of place, but I have found that a lot of it has to do with how you spin things. You’re still going to be writing motions and attending court and writing bench memos, I assume, and all of that translates well to general litigation.

    2. I was very fortunate to have a both a federal district and circuit court clerkship and they were both great, but hands down I preferred my circuit court clerkship. Like you, I was also married with no kids, and my husband had a great job. So I only applied to local judges and was lucky that it worked out. I also live in a fairly large metro area with lots of district and circuit court judges.

      I’m currently an appellate attorney with the gov’t and I doubt I would have received this job without my appellate clerkship. I also come from a non-Ivy school and having my appellate clerkship sort of solidified my reputation as being very smart, notwithstanding not going to a top school.

      I’m not sure I would clerk for 3 years in a row (specialty, district, appellate) though. I would also consider the utility of having these clerkships at this stage in your career. Do you think they will help you professionally or are you doing it because you’ve always wanted to do it? I think in some markets a district court clerkship is much more valuable than an appellate clerkship, mostly because so few firms do much appellate work. I might consider doing one or the other, but not necessarily both. That’s just me though. Best of luck!

      1. Thanks for the input! Yes, to clarify, if I do a district clerkship in 2017 I would not also apply for a circuit clerkship in 2018. Three years just seems like a lot, totally agree.

        I don’t currently do appellate work but I would love to get the opportunity (and my firm has a thriving appellate practice, so the opportunity is there). I also think an appellate clerkship would be tons of fun and sounds super interesting to me, although I bet district court would be fun and a career-booster too.

        FWIW, I was just gchatting my husband about this and he declared very firmly that if I apply outside our metro area, he’s following me. Removes the financial stress of thinking about double rent payments, but means he’d sideline his own career for a year which I don’t feel great about.

        1. Having some geographic flexibility can be helpful. If your husband is open to the idea I would definitely do it. I loved my COA clerkship and wish it lasted longer than a year! My husband also followed me out of state and did some consulting from home, which worked out fine. We didn’t save much money that year but that COA clerkship has proved its value by leaps and bounds in my career. Good luck.

    3. What are your career goals? If you are a litigator, a district court clerkship in your district would be far more useful than a COA clerkship. A COA clerkship in some random circuit wouldn’t be helpful unless you want to become an appellate lawyer or switch firms/location. If you want to return to your firm, I suspect leaving a second time to do a COA clerkship that doesn’t seem to mesh with your practice area would be a bad career move.

      Out of curiosity, if you are so concerned about prestige, why did you apply for this specialty court clerkship?

      1. The judge I’m clerking for next year is the former head of litigation at my firm. I was recommended to the position by the office’s managing partner, whom I respect and view as a mentor. So this clerkship basically fell in my lap, and given the ties to my firm it will definitely help me internally here. I might also just be a snob. My judge has had several high-profile, newsmaking cases and is insanely, intimidatingly brilliant. Maybe I’m too hung up on the non-Article III thing.

    1. Scalloped one is beautiful and I would certainly wear under a suit – ruffled one would not sit right, I think.

    3. I don’t think they’re at all distracting. I really like the first one. But I have to be honest, the second one reminds me of lady bits, and the color doesn’t help.

  21. Dresses. Specifically cotton or cotton-blend sleeveless jersey dresses with v-necks and either a twist at the front or interesting draping. They are all I want to wear this summer for casual and I can’t find any. Help?

    2. Old Navy always has simple cotton jersey dresses in the summer. I’m not sure what they have out right now but they have them every summer.

    7. The MM Lafleur “Jenny 2.0” dress. I’m wearing it right now and I love it. Bought it on deep discount, though, so I’d wait for a sale.

    9. If you’re still checking: Try Title Nine for Patagonia and Horned Toad dresses like this.

  22. How have your career motivations changed over time? I know for lots of people family/kids change everything; don’t have kids — so I don’t know about that. For me though I was thinking about it and I’m shocked that I have gone from someone who LOVED the substance of the work and was that kid who could barely tell you if I got paid or not — to someone who now currently has no interest in the work and is ALL ABOUT MONEY. I’m still single so it’s not like my monetary needs are so much greater now than 10 yrs ago. I think it’s about — I need to know where my 401k is at ALL TIMES bc I DO NOT want to do this until age 65. Normal? Not normal? How have things changed for you since you started? And is there a way to get back to that young enthusiasm??

    1. I think when I had to enter the workforce and choose a job/career, I actually had to set my priorities and that I’d personally be more comfortable picking a higher-paying, more stable gig at a Fortune 1000 rather than trying to make it as a writer or do something more impactful at a nonprofit. I’ve always seen working as a means to supporting myself, not my huge passion, so maybe I never had that wide-eyed idealism?

      1. I’m glad to see someone else admit that. I hope to go part time and write my awardwinning novel when the mortgage is paid off!

        1. I’m with you. I do try to make career decisions that leave the door open for me to do writing later on in life. So if I focus on maxing out my 401k and savings (still a work in progress) now, it will set me up for future financial flexibility. (Rather than doing the reverse, where I could make less now and then have to chase money in my 40s to catch up). And I do think I’ve crossed off the possibility of an MBA, which would be chasing more money/time in the business world. I think it’s all a balance, but to be fair I do play conservatively.

    2. I’m in the same situation. I believe that the solution for me will be to get a new job so I’m working towards that now. There is a lot of interesting stuff going on in my field but not at my current workplace so right now I’m keeping myself motivated by studying up on skills I’ll need for that new position.

      If you don’t want to go that far, maybe it’s time for you to find ways to broaden your responsibilities or work on new tasks. I just saw part of a motivational TED Talks with Mel Robbins where she says your enemy is FINE. i.e. If you find yourself answering “Work is fine” you need to ask yourself “What would I like to be doing instead?”

  23. This post is going to be part brag and part reassurance seeking.

    A position has opened up in one of our other business units that is essentially the same position as I am in now. The differences are that it reports directly into the law department, whereas I report to a non-law manager. This position is newly created for a business unit that has recently acquired two businesses. It’s an exciting time of growth for that group and the two attorneys are very overwhelmed getting the businesses incorporated and cannot handle the contract stuff. There is an opportunity for the person in this position to structure the contract process/procedures how they wish and have more visibility than someone in my current position/BU. There is also a good chance that this person would be creating their own contract team in a year or two.

    I have been in my current role for a year and a half. I have been told by several people that I am the succession plan for my current boss when he retires in 2 years, which would give me four direct reports, assuming someone is hired to replace me. Our contract team is well established and it is unlikely that any of the procedures/processes will be easy for me to change if I am in the management role that my boss is currently in. I like my work and I like the people I work with in this BU.

    The attorney who I work with currently pulled me into talk about the new position yesterday. He thinks it would be a great opportunity for me. He told me that the hiring attorney for the new position things very highly of me and did not approach me about applying only because he didn’t want to “do that to [our attorney/our group.” He also told me that my current boss thinks very highly of me and that there are talks of trying to raise my salary. He thinks I am underpaid and I agree. I was really low-balled when I started for a reason that was out of his control and negotiated a 12.5% increase over what was offered. He told me that if I am interested in the new position,I should go in asking for an increase in salary and to have the position structured so that the possibility of having one or more direct reports in a year or two is likely.

    I have a meeting to talk with the hiring attorney this afternoon about the position and intend to ask where he sees this position developing etc. I have a good relationship with him and think he will be completely honest with me. He is super laid back and easy going.

    While I like my current position, the idea of greater visibility and being able to structure the contracting process for that business unit is very attractive to me. I do however, feel bad about the possibility of leaving my current group after a year and a half. I know, I know, I have to do what is right for me. While I think my boss would be sad to see me go, he would also be supportive of my own growth. Because it is an internal hire, he would have to approve the transfer anyway, assuming I was offered the position and I chose to accept. At my company you also have to inform your current manager if you are granted an interview for an internal position.

    I should apply, right?

    2. Yes, apply. And you never know, you might get posted back to your BU after two years to take over boss’ role.
      Good luck.

    5. Thanks everyone for the reassurance I needed! Now, let’s hope I can have fewer errors in my application. Man, I miss the edit function!!

  24. Ugh. I’m 32 and my husband and I just hit our 5th wedding anniversary and suddenly people have decided it’s ok to assume we don’t want kids because we don’t have them yet (we do want them…someday). I’ve gotten at least four comments in the last couple of months about our “decision not to have kids” or our “choice to be child-free.” Any good lines for shutting down these kind of comments?

    1. Episode 68 of Awesome Etiquette has the question of a listener who after learning of an accidental pregnancy, is worried about the judgment from people who had previously said she’d change her mind about not wanting to have children.

      Not your situation, but I thought the Lizzie and Dan had great advice about tactful ways to deal with prying questions about the topic of having children or not.

      1. The problem with this is that it almost invites further comment as to OP’s breeding status. A response to this comment might be, “Ohhhh so when are you going to start trying??? You really need to get on that right away! Your fertility is declining already! You DEFINITELY need to have kids before you turn 35, you don’t want to be too OLD. And think about your grandkids! You want to be young enough to enjoy them don’t you???”

        1. “We were going to start trying in about 5 minutes. Would you like to watch so you can make sure we’re doing it right?”

    3. Ugh. I like either the question, ‘why do you ask?’ Or ‘why do you say that’?

      Either that or just stare blankly at them for an uncomfortable amount of time.

      I get the, ‘when are you going to give kiddo a little brother or sister?’ from clueless morons who have no idea that I required an emergency hysterectomy after the birth of first kid and desperately want what I can’t have. If they’re real jerks, I tell them the truth and watch them backtrack sooo fast.

      1. Hugs! What is wrong with people?

        I have an aunt and uncle who never had children. When I was five, I asked my mom why. She said, ” I don’t know why, sweetheart. But that’s the type of thing you should never ask anyone because it could make them very, very sad.” And it made total sense. And I was five.

        1. Your mom is wise. And I’m stealing her line if my kids ever ask a question like that.

    4. “What makes you say that?” And watch them flounder trying to explain. If they persist, “why do you assume we are able to have kids?” (which should shut them up).

    5. “We thought about kids, but then we’d have to give up the his-and-hers coke habits, and we’re just not ready to do that yet.”

      1. GUYS. I am in a silent study room and the outbursts of snorting laughter today while reading these threads are NOT pleasing the other people in this room. Could you try to be a little bit less hilarious? ;)

    6. Okay, serious answer time – why do you feel like you need to correct these people? You actually have decided to be child-free… for now. So while I get your frustration (also, what if you were dealing with infertility or something? these people are being insensitive @sshats), I don’t know that you need to respond to these kinds of comments at all. I guess if someone asks you point-blank if you’ve decided not to have kids ever you might want to answer honestly, but when someone says something in passing about your being child-free, why not just let it ride?

      1. Ha, love everyone’s hilarious responses. To answer your question, I guess it bothers me because the comments are clearly said with side-eye/judgment about what they perceive as our decision, e.g., when we tell someone we’re traveling somewhere we get a comment like “Must be nice that you’ve decided not to have kids and can travel all over the world.” It’s certainly a true fact that we are child free by choice for now, but they’re not simply reciting that fact; the comments are loaded with a lot of judgment. I guess this is what child-free people deal with their whole lives & I should be glad it’s (hopefully) only temporary for us. Gah. Having kids or not is such a personal choice. I don’t understand why people care what other people do.

        1. Ha. In response to one of those “must be nice” type comments, I’d just say, “it is.”

        2. I think, if you want to fight the side-eye, it’s almost better to not respond with your plans – by “defending” yourself from allegations of intentional child-free-ness, you’re playing right into their POV that child-free-ness is somehow wrong or less-than. Just letting it sit – or better yet, calling them out on being judgmental a-holes, if you can – is, IMHO, a better choice than jumping to defend yourself/your plans.

          Example: “Must be nice, you can travel, you child-free-by-choice monster” – “You know, it’s funny, but I’ve heard that they’ve started letting children on international flights now, and I’m pretty sure they’re allowed into most of Europe with a parent.” Basically, return snark + challenge the underlying assumption. (Side note, I have a niece who is not even two yet who has been to more countries than I have – traveling with kids is absolutely a thing, and people who think it isn’t are narrow-minded and jealous.)

        4. OP – as someone who is over 30 and has no children, I completely understand you. It is as though people are trying to make me feel guilty for not having had children, especially by some arbitrary timeline as though I am about to expire.

    7. I feel like this was written about me. I am in the exact situation, same age, also married 5 years and people make comments to me like this all the time. I never know what to say so I end up being silent while they ramble on that I must have so much free time and I never have to rush home to kids. It is beyond frustrating. I feel like they must think I’m old and decrepit and if I do end up pregnant in a few years it will have been an accident which in reality it will be planned.

  25. I am moving into my fiancé’s house over the next month or so. He rents out an apartment that covers the entire mortgage, plus a few extra hundred bucks every month. I.e., he pays no money on the house. I just realized I am going to be spending so much less money every month, and wondering how to manage it. I know, nice problem to have.

    I pay $1800/month in rent, so I will suddenly have a ton of extra cash. Since we will be sharing dog walkers, it will save me another $150/month. I will save on taking so many taxis to and from his apartment, another $400 or so. I also just received a $400/month post-tax raise this week! Essentially this comes to minimum extra cash of over $2500/month. Not to mention sharing home expenses, less takeout, etc.

    I am 26, have no loans, am maxing out 401k, and have about 5k in cash savings. His net worth is mostly the house – it’s quadrupled in value and is now worth around 2m. Not saving for any huge immediate expenses because we own a home, but would like to do a fair amount of home improvement projects. Also plan to have a baby in about 2 years.

    Some questions:
    -Where should I start keeping all of this extra money? In my regular savings account? In a mutual or other fund?
    -How can I avoid income creep while also allowing myself to have a slightly nicer life? If I put 2k/month in some savings account, but keep 500/month as extra spending – is that reasonable?
    -Do I need a much larger emergency fund? Because we are both high earners and pay no mortgage, monthly expenses could be kept very low. It also seems unlikely that we’d both be jobless at once. Is this a fantasy?
    -Other financial advice for a young couple about to get married and combine everything?

    1. I think you need an emergency fund that is way bigger than 5K, even though you have no mortgage. For one thing, not to sound cynical, but what if your relationship ends? You need money to get on your feet again, including moving expenses, money to pay for a security deposit and first month’s rent, money to furnish a new place, etc. In most parts of the country that’s a lot more than 5K.
      Even if you don’t want to consider the possibility that your relationship will end there are lots of emergency situations that could arise where you could easily have to spend more than 5K. Our dog was hospitalized for a week and the total bill was 10K. A car could break and buying a new car, even a non-luxury one, can be 20K. Your house could need a new roof that costs 10K. Etc etc. Yes, you could pay for these things on credit cards or finance them, but it’s a waste of money to have to pay interest. I don’t feel comfortable with less than 25K in the bank and immediately accessible, and would probably want double that if I lived in a HCOL area (which it sounds like you do if his house is worth $2m).

      1. Very good points! I hadn’t thought of the “you’re now kind of a homeowner” issues — but even more reason to build up an emergency fund!

    2. I think you’re going to want to build up your emergency fund. $5K for a high earner seems like a pretty paltry e-fund (though maybe you’re in a really LCOL location?)

      In your shoes, I would focus on:
      1.) building up emergency fund to 6 months of expenses. If you and fiancee are merging your money, consider expenses for BOTH of you for 6 months. It sounds relatively unlikely that you’d both be out of a job at the same time, but I think it’s worth building up the fund for the unlikely worst-case-scenario (e.g., one of you is hit by a bus and the other one needs to be available during his/her recovery)
      2.) don’t fall into the trap of “I don’t need a budget because I have so much money!!!” Allow yourself to spend more, but keep an eye on where the money is going and be cognizant of expenses that are long-lasting (e.g., buying a car and taking out a car loan that you’ll be paying off for X years).
      3.) I keep my emergency fund spread through a couple of different savings/checking accounts at different banks — one brick & mortar, one internet only, and a third through my financial advisor. You want the emergency fund to be relatively accessible, so I’d keep it liquid.

      Hope that helps!

      1. Agreed. We went through that worst-case scenario and the expenses of travel, accommodation, extra childcare, etc meant that our monthly budget during the worst case scenario nearly tripled and we were both not working.

    3. Agree with Anonymous above about larger emergency fund – at least 3-6 months of total living expenses is the general guideline, more if you can.

    4. Agree with increasing your emergency fund. You could be responsible for the mortgage if the tenant moves out, right? The apartment could be vacant for some time, right? The tenant could damage the apartment with repairs costing more than the security deposit? The roof could need to be replaced or the house painted (all jobs costing $10K or more), and one person without a job for 6 months could be a $12,000-$25,000 (minimum) drain on the budget.

    5. My main “takeaway” from your post is don’t assume you’ll be eating less takeout because you’ll be living with your fiance :P

    6. Do you have a qualifying high deductible health insurance plan? If so, max out a health savings account in preparation for baby-related bills.

    7. I agree with everyone who says $5,000 isn’t nearly a big enough emergency fund. I also agree with “what if for some reason you don’t end up getting married?”

      I think your plan to put $2,000 per month in savings and let yourself spend an extra $500 seems spot on. And put it someplace liquid — money market, CD’s, or savings account. No stocks because they are likely to be down just when you need the money (ask me how I know this…).

    8. I agree with the advice you’ve received so far. In response to your last question, “Other financial advice for a young couple about to get married and combine everything?”–talk to your fiance about this! The first 90% of your post talks about your extra cash and what you should do with it. Part of an engagement is to start thinking about money together (even if you don’t combine everything). Does your fiance have an emergency fund? Does he have other financial goals, such as debt repayment, that he’d like to meet? Do you agree that those goals should be joint priorities? What do you want your life to look like in 5 years, 10 years, 30 years? How much money do you need to save to meet those goals? I don’t think there’s a “right” answer here, other than talk, talk, talk. And even once you make decisions, know they are not set in stone, and you need to keep talking throughout your marriage.

    9. I’d park 6 months of expenses (BOTH of your expenses, not just yours) in a savings account, then start investing the rest in an index fund of some kind (like Vanguard), or some other liquid-ish but interest-earning investment vehicle (CD, maybe).

    10. Agree with everything above re EF, and investing, but when are you planning on getting married? If you’re going to tie the knot within 2 years, you’re probably going to be wanting to put that money into a high-yield saving account to pay for the wedding/honeymoon (after you build up your EF)!

  26. I’m heading to Mexico City in about… oh… five hours and I’m a little late with planning. We’re staying in the Condesa neighborhood. Does anyone have any recommendations? We’re there tonight (late) through Monday. Thanks!

    1. Contramar!

      I loved Mexico City so much. I found the cabs pretty useful for getting around, walking around the city, a trip out to the pyramids, Frida Khalo’s house and food all around.

    2. Seconding Contramar!! We went to the lucha libre, tickets can be cheap and it’s a lot of fun. The Mercado Roma is a small food court type thing and has lots of stalls for some of the trendy restaurants, good for a lunch stop. Enjoy, I loved Mexico City and wish I’d had more time there.

  27. I think my comment got lost, apologies if this posts twice. I’m the commenter who posted a couple days ago about finally getting an offer (thanks to a helpful staffer!) so I can leave my super toxic office. It’s sinking in now that I’ll actually get to start a new job and… I’m terrified. I’ve been treated so poorly for so long that I feel like I have no confidence left. What if I get to the new job and they realize I’m as stupid and incompetent and lazy as my current job makes me feel? What if it turns out that my current partner is treating me the way he does because that’s all I deserve? What if the new job fires me right away because of how worthless I am? Has anyone else dealt with these feelings?

  28. Apologies if this posts twice. I think my previous post must be stuck in moderation for some reason.

    I’m a second-year Biglaw associate with a clerkship lined up for September. It’s in a federal specialty (not district) court with a highly respected judge, a former partner at my current firm, to which I plan to return after the clerkship. But it’s been bothering me that this clerkship doesn’t come with (frankly) the prestige of an actual Article III court. So I’m considering applying for circuit courts the following term. Although resume-wise I am a great candidate, after a talk with my alma mater’s clerkship advisor I realized I am late in the game and many circuit judges, especially within my current metro area, are already full for the 2017 term.

    Here are the options as I see them: I’d apply to the small handful circuit judges in my area who are still accepting applications. If that doesn’t work out: 1) I don’t pursue a second clerkship at all; 2) I apply to local district courts for the 2017 term, where there are more judges hiring but (obviously) less prestige than circuit; 3) I apply to circuit courts for the 2018 term. This would require coming back to my firm for a year and then leaving again to clerk in my fifth year, which doesn’t seem ideal; or 4) I apply to non-local circuit courts for the 2017 term. We won’t be able to afford two rent payments while I’m clerking, so my husband would have to disrupt his life either by following me and basically pausing his career for a year, or making major lifestyle changes to stay local such as taking a roommate or moving back in with his parents (if they’ll even take a 32 year old married son back home!).

    I think I’m ruling out the 2018 term just on the basis that it would be so disruptive for me to come back and then clerk again during my fifth year, but curious to hear what you all think. Thanks in advance.

  29. My husband recently got a promotion that he really wanted. It requires him to travel and be away from home at least one night per week, and sometimes up to five nights. In total, he’s at home about half the time. We are both pretty independent, and him being away would not be a problem for our marriage– except that now we have a four month old.

    DH is gone for five nights this week, and I am so exhausted. We have what I think is a pretty “easy” baby, in that he started sleeping through the night (most of the time) at three months. Baby is happy probably 80% of the time. But even easy babies require a lot of work, and even easy babies get sick sometimes. The baby is currently at home with pink eye and an ear infection, which woke him up every two hours for the past three nights (poor thing). When DH is here, we take turns and it’s not so bad. But when he’s not here, it’s just a nightmare (sidebar: I have no idea how single moms do this, and I know this is nowhere near what they deal with every day. I recall a poster earlier this week whose DH is gone for months at a time, and if you’re reading this, HUGS to you, friend. No idea how you’re doing that.).

    Fortunately, my mom and MIL were able to keep him the past two days. If he’s still sick tomorrow, I’ll have to stay home from work– unpaid, because I used all of my PTO for “maternity leave” (news flash, it’s not maternity leave if I have to burn all of my paid time off, but that’s another post).

    DH’s promotion, while a step up in prestige at his company, did not come with any more money. He makes plenty of money (and frankly, a lot more than I do), but he did that before this promotion, too. What is beginning to upset me is that when he’s gone for work, these week-long meetings are often “teambuilding,” i.e. a day of golf, a day of fishing, nights out at steakhouses, whatever. His company is almost entirely male, with a heavy athlete culture (aka former college athletes who have a competitive drive and channel that into sales). So these weeks away from home are basically grown up frat parties, although I know they also have a few work-based meetings thrown in, too. Most of his colleagues have stay at home wives (though I can’t imagine this is much easier for them).

    I am getting more and more frustrated that I’m awake at midnight with a screaming baby while DH is awake at midnight on a bar crawl with coworkers/clients. He is a great dad and partner when he is here, and I know it’s not an option at his company for him not to attend these meetings. I’ve brought up the absence issue to him, and he’s apologetic but says that’s pretty much just how it is with this job. I have not brought up the fact that a significant portion of his absence is spent playing golf and otherwise “teambuilding.”

    We’ve always said we wanted two or even three children, but I really don’t see how I can manage that if he’s gone this much– I’m already struggling with just one child. I don’t even know what I’m asking here. Maybe just for someone to make me feel better? Is this just how parenting is? I don’t really want to encourage him to find another job… or do I? That would be pretty futile, I think. I just don’t know what to do and am really upset at the idea of not having any more children because of DH’s job.

    1. “When DH is here, we take turns and it’s not so bad.”

      This is what really stood out for me. When he is there, he should be the one getting up at night. period. If you’re nursing, he gets up, brings you baby and takes baby and resettles baby when you’re done nursing. Your ‘turn’ is all those times when he’s gone – which you note is about half the time.

      If he needs sleep then he can head back to the hotel early from the ‘team building’ golf/pub crawl.

      Even if his new job doesn’t come with more $$- it does come with more family responsibilities in that you are now single parenting much more often. Budget allocations need to be made to get you more help. Even an occasional night nurse for when he’s gone. If he doesn’t like it, he needs to find a new job so he can be home more.

    2. My husband also travels for work (usually 1X month, but there are months, like this month, where he is flying every week for 1-5 nights each week), and we have three kids. Is there a way he can shave time off the trips? So, for example, my husband will often take a redeye so that he can be home through the evening (pick up the kids, make dinner, maybe even do bedtime). Or maybe it’s cutting the last “teambuilding” event and flying home early. My husband’s division is similar (a lot of stay at home spouses), but he’s always made it clear that we have a two career family, and he can’t make every teambuilding event.

      It does get better (but different) as the kids get older and sleep through the night. At this stage, I agree that a night nurse is very helpful – you could also consider a mother’s helper or having backup care on standby. Also, when he’s home, own some time for yourself – get a massage or a pedicure, or just sleep in.

    3. Exhausted – I think on this one you can honestly say that neither of you anticipated the toll that the new job would take on Mom, Baby (and Dad to some extent). I assume your and DH talked about the stress of the job on you before he took it but maybe you didn’t. But, as it happens, the new job has really changed your family dynamic and I think that gives you both the opportunity to reopen the discussion.

      FWIW, most women/mothers I know whose husbands have those type of jobs are SAHM or work part-time at low-commitment type jobs. This extra burden on you may get too much and impact your work performance (nights without sleep, tired, stressed). As you’ve said, it’s not really sustainable, even without more kids.

      So, no, I think that this is not “normal” parenting stress. Probably easier than being a single mom but not by much. It’s hard enough with two working parents without one travelling all the time. And yes, giving up a second or third child is a drastic impact from his new job. We’ve talked about this here but you may need to pay more for outsourcing things that you wouldn’t need if he wasn’t travelling: Full-time Nanny, daycare plus part-time nanny, daycare plus au pair. Housecleaner, grocery delivery, meal prep services, hiring someone to do dry-cleaner runs, taking the dog to the groomer/vet, home repair/landscaping etc. And can you afford that on your combined salaries and can you afford it for 2-3 total kids. If you can’t afford it, then that’s the hard talk where he needs to find a job that doesn’t involve travel. And if you can’t afford the help, can you afford to not work or take a job that pays less? All hard questions.

      1. From experience – if you do take on a lower commitment (lower pay) job, get an agreement in place that he will make you whole if you ever split up. Do it before you commit to lower pay. Otherwise, child support is a fixed dollar amount in most states and won’t make up a gaping gulf between your income and his (or your 401(k) and his). Alimony is discretionary, and at least in my state, it’s hard to convince a judge that a spouse with earnings over $80K “needs” alimony if the high earner won’t give it voluntarily. One caveat: I don’t know the family law components of this, but I wish I had done it before the divorce.

        1. Yes, I’ve given the exact same advice on that here before. But it’s not clear if they can afford for her to step back so I didn’t get into that portion of the discussion. But a valid point.

    4. First of all, you have a 4 month old. This stage is brutally hard and you just need to do whatever it takes to survive. Maybe that means hiring more help during the week, maybe that means that Dad has sole baby duty on Saturday mornings so you get a chance to sleep. Don’t judge the rest of parenting based on this hard time. It gets better, I promise.

    5. My husband has a job with fairly frequent 1-5 day trips, too, and I feel your pain. I have a one and three year old, and it is exhausting when he’s away for more than a couple of nights. I assume it will be better when the kiddos are older and don’t demand as much hands-on attention, but I can tell you this is not going to get a ton better for you in the short term. You need breaks of your own, and you need to outsource as much as you can while your husband is away (and in general, honestly, because even 2-parenting a 4 month old is no picnic when both parents have a full time job. Save little bits of sanity where you can). Set these expectations now, before you’re really at the end of your rope!

      Have you been very clear with your husband what a toll his trips take on you? Part of his I-have-to-do-this mindset (toward “teambuilding” especially) may be that your baby is still pretty young and he hasn’t yet totally internalized that being a parent is hard work, and mentally and physically exhausting at this stage. Has he spent much time single-handedly taking care of your baby? Like with you out of the house and not there for backup for a few hours at least? I would try giving him every opportunity to do that, to help him “get it.” My husband can’t usually cancel his trips, but he has gotten really good at condensing agendas to minimize his time away, taking flights at odd hours, and taking care of some do-ahead things so he doesn’t leave me in too much of a lurch. If he’s gone all week, he wakes up with the kids on the weekend so I can sleep, and I get a by-myself block of time to recharge. It’s still stressful when he’s gone, but we’ve figured out ways to ease the inconvenience as much as possible. You can do this, but you have to put your foot down.

    6. Don’t know if you’ll see this, but my husband has been gone for almost 3 months at work And we have a 5 month old. I just had to adjust my expectations and be really okay with accepting help.

      Yeah though- it sucks.

    7. Honestly, your husband sounds like a d!ck. He has no empathy for you. Time for him to woman up and think about the family unit, not just himself.

    8. The only part I want to comment on is the “teambuilding” aspect — my boss (a woman) requires a lot of travel from us and much of it consists of “teambuilding” activities that I would love to skip but have been made well aware are far from voluntary. So I wouldn’t necessarily judge that part too harshly.

  30. I posted here last month asking for advice about a situation at my work where a less than qualified person was hired over a qualified person with experience in the name of diversity.

    I received lots of anger and was scolded about internalized misogyny and called ‘a sexist little brat’ among other things.

    I just wanted to post an update to tell everyone here that they were right and I was wrong. It turns out I had nothing to worry about. That executive asking me (and others in the department) to do illegal things didn’t affect my career at all. I guess being suspended without pay after authorities raided our office doesn’t count as having my career affected. And my oh so perfect executive will probably be arrested once the investigation is concluded isn’t a big deal because she can still give me a reference from prison. And I was wrong to be stressed out about my life being affected because even though I have been interviewed two separate agencies multiple times (because of how many laws she broke) I still have time to hunt for jobs at places that won’t hire me because of the suspension.

    You were all right and I was wrong. It was totally right of the company to hire someone who was unqualified in the name of diversity. The company is so happy about that decision that they even disbanded the committee (that I was on) because they were so impressed with it.

    So thank you all for setting me straight and making me realize I had nothing to worry about.

    1. Oh good grief.

      The fact that you were scolded about internalized misogyny based on your original question and the fact that your executive apparently engaged in illegal activities are completely unrelated. If you can’t see that, I can’t help you. Talk to your therapist about it rather than writing passive aggressive crap on comment boards.

    2. This seems so trolly. But I’ll bite:

      Your problem – that you continue in this post – is linking the improper behaviour to diversity hiring.

      Bad behaviour is not exclusive to wealthy white men. The fact that someone who is not a wealthy white male engaged in improper behaviour is not a reason to avoid diversity.

      2. I don’t have a problem with diversity. I am not male, I am not white and I a religious minority. I have a problem when there is someone who has experience and is perfectly qualified but instead someone with no experience is chosen instead just because she is a woman. I was on the diversity committee before it was disbanded. I took notes when the hiring managers met. This is what happened.

        It would different if the company only hired straight white men when there were other qualified candidates. But I think it’s wrong that they hired someone who wasn’t qualified at all in the name of diversity. I feel it makes it worse for women and minorities because we get told we only got the job because we are *insert minor here*. She made so many mistakes, the company lost 2 big clients, her mistakes cost at least 6 figures to fix and she was in over here head. The industry is heavily regulated and she repeatedly asked those who reported to her to break the law and didn’t understand why they wouldn’t do it. Now the offices were raided and 2 separate agencies and law enforcement are investigating. I don’t think diversity is a bad thing but in this one case it was stupid for them to hire someone with no experience because of gender and now lots of people are paying the price.

        2. If you were suspended, it sounds like you didn’t refuse to do something you knew was wrong. That’s completely a different issue. I’m pretty sure people gave you advice for handling being asked to do illegal things, but you probably didn’t listen because you led with your diversity and qualification complaints and buried the lede.

          1. The entire department and everyone who reported to her was suspended. Including her assistant and the admins who reported to her staff. I have never done anything illegal but unfortunately working in her department has made us all toxic.

        3. But she didn’t have no experience. They didn’t go to dunkin donuts give a cashier the job. She clearly had experience. Just because some weight was given to the fact that she was a woman has nothing to do with your current problems. If everyone disagrees with you, it’s probably time to ask if maybe you are the problem. You apparently had all these problems and potential illegal activity going on but you decided to make a post about diversity hiring instead of asking 1) how do I report this and 2) how do I get a new job. Your two main problems seem to be out of whack priorities and a severe lack of critical thinking skills. If this isn’t real we can add 3) too much free time

          1. This is such a good point. The real problem was that someone you worked for was engaging in, or asking other to engage in, illegal activity. You came to a women’s forum to complain that the person you work for was a woman who only got hired because she was a woman. What you said was that you don’t like the diversity hiring of someone you believe to be unqualified, when the real issue is that your new boss was involved in illegal behavior. If you can’t see the difference between those things… I’m not sure we can help you.

    3. I’m really sorry this happened to you, but it’s not exactly the fault of commentors on an internet blog. There’s literally nothing you or we could have said or done to prevent this situation. Sure, we could have told you your concern was justified (even though based on the limited information the group had that wasn’t really all that clear at the time), but what would that have changed? If you really had concerns based on actual knowledge of the whole situation, I hope you didn’t ignore your own concerns because our responses were to say that it’s unfair to assume someone who was hired specifically for their diversity is unqualified.

      I sincerely hope you are able to quickly find a suitable position and that someone else’s poor judgment doesn’t tarnish your career prospects.

    4. Thank you for the the thank you! Your first post didn’t even mention the illegal activity – it’s crazy how it has spiraled so quickly. It’s almost as if you said something really dumb and sexist, got called out on it, and then made up a bunch of details to try to justify yourself. Again, nothing in your post has to do with her being a woman. Your company promoted a bad worker (bad person even). Like I said before, the workplaces of America are lined with unqualified men. Just because it turns out there is at least one unqualified woman out there somewhere doesn’t mean that hire was because of just gender. There is not a company in the world that is making just diversity hires. They aren’t taking woman cleaning ladies and making them CEOs.

      1. Direct quote from my original post:

        “She has also asked two separate staff her on separate occasions to do something that is illegal and would draw attention of regulatory authorities and possibly the FBI. Both times she got angry when the people refused and later when the higher ups spoke to her she claimed that she didn’t know what she was asking was illegal. This stuff is standard knowledge in our industry that’s covered on the first day of training. Everyone from board members go support staff is told about how those things would be illegal.”

        You’re right. I didn’t mention illegal activity at all.

        Also I stayed in my post above yours that:

        “I don’t have a problem with diversity. I am not male, I am not white and I a religious minority. I have a problem when there is someone who has experience and is perfectly qualified but instead someone with no experience is chosen instead just because she is a woman. I was on the diversity committee before it was disbanded. I took notes when the hiring managers met. This is what happened.”

        And:

        “I don’t think diversity is a bad thing but in this ONE case it was stupid for them to hire someone with no experience because of gender and now lots of people are paying the price.”

        1. Are you saying you were suspended without pay and your offices were raided because a woman executive asked a staff member (who wasn’t you) to do something illegal, and everyone told her that couldn’t be done? Again- real lack of critical thinkig here. Your original post (not even a month ago) didn’t mention her doing anything illegal. And if she was and no one fired her or reported (like those men you like so much) they are just as incompenant as her. So why aren’t you complaining about them having a job just because they are men? They are clearly incompetent

          1. After people refused to break the law she (allegedly) started doing things herself. She asked me once and I refused and reported her request to the board. I thought it had been addressed. Even her assistant and the other admins were suspended. The entire department was.

        2. I’m not sure I ever saw your original post, but I think the 2 main points here are:
          1) You seem to be blaming everyone here for your current troubles. We’re anonymous posters on a site that’s basically for women in fashion. We aim to give others advice, but we can only do so up to a point.
          2) Clearly, you engaged in some illegal activity at the behest of this woman, who was your manager. I know it’s difficult to disregard directives from someone you report to, but again it’s not our fault and you need to take some responsibility.

          And as others have said, whether your manager is a woman or not has nothing to do with whether she has engaged in illegal activity.

          1. The entire department was suspended including her assistant and the admins. I didn’t do anything illegal but the scope of the allegations is so big that the company suspended everyone.

        3. Why are you talking about diversity at all? This sounds like a story made-up by a racist (being a minority doesn’t mean you’re not a racist), trying to convince us all to be more racist. No thanks. Super weird.

    5. If you are really suspended pending an investigation you REALLY should not be posting about that, even anonymously, online. At someone point someone will ask you to disclose everywhere and with anyone you discussed the situation. You don’t want your rants being read to a jury. Right or wrong.

      2. My first thought was kudos to the firm and the associates now conducting the internal investigation and later defending against the government agency. Internal Investigation hours are so awesome in their abundance. Lots and lots of interesting, important work and no hours cap. Perfect.

        1. Um, there is no internal investigation. The agencies I mentioned are all outside law enforcement and regulatory agencies.

          1. There almost certainly is or will be an internal investigation as well, if only to help prepare an appropriate response to the external investigations. Blonde Lawyer is right–stop posting about this. Right now. You are likely less anonymous than you think you are, and you will be asked who you discussed this with.

          3. There’s no internal investigation that YOU know about.

            Your company needs to answer the outside agency’s and law enforcement’s questions, plus answer to the Board, plus head off a derivative suit if it’s a public company. We come in, hired by the CEO or the Board of Directors, we collect all the email from the server via IT without any of the employees knowing and review all your email, we build profiles for each involved employee from those documents, we interview select employees and officers under strict confidentiality with the instructions that they can’t tell their colleagues about the investigation or that they were interviewed at all. Some companies have built-in access to company-issued cell phones, so we can dump the info in those too (how I love text messages). Sometimes we dump internet history and/or keystroke history. We find out everything there is to know about the company and all of the employees, and almost all of the employees have absolutely no idea that we’re doing it or that we were ever there.

            Internal Investigations are the BEST.

          4. I hope you are right. Because I didn’t do anything illegal and neither did most of the other people in the department. We are all hoping it gets resolved soon. I took it to the board when she asked me to do something illegal and I know at least one other person did the same thing. I just hope the fact that all the documents and computers being seized and the sever being frozen by law enforcement and a warrant doesn’t hinder the company from investigating and exonerating us who didn’t do anything.

          5. Your stories are starting to get confused… you’re suspended, but there’s no internal investigation. You made complaints to the board, but they’ve just assumed that *despite your complaint* you were engaging in wrongdoing. Either you’re making this up, or you’re lying to put yourself in a better light.

  31. My mother and stepfather’s will made no mention of me, instead leaving everything to the child they have together. I came across a copy of their will from a while ago when I was still a minor. The specified a guardian for their other child but not me. My father was around and would have taken care of me, though. If you found this out, would you be upset?

    1. I would not be upset about the lack of guardian unless you had no relationship or a poor relationship with your father.. It seems clear that if you had a living father, it was intended that you would live with that parent.

      On the financial, this would depend on the financial status of your father. If he was financially secure, I can see why they would have felt the need to provide more financially for the child who would not have any living parents to provide for them.

      1. I agree that you’re in a different position if you’d have a living father. I’m not sure how they’d legally have a say in where you went unless he’d previously be found unfit. Why not ask your mom about it, and what that means for things like heirlooms?

    2. Yes, I would be hurt. I think I would be more hurt by my mother not passing down heirlooms to me, like her jewelry, than by not leaving me the money/house/etc.

      Without knowing more, it’s hard to speculate about why they did this. My knee jerk guess, which may be wrong, is that most of “their” assets are your step-father’s assets, and he wants to leave those assets to his biological child, not his step-kid.

    3. It would hurt me. The relationship with mother would become just a formality and no relationship what so ever with the stepfather.

    4. Depending on the circumstances, I might be hurt. But have you talked to your mother to make sure you know the whole story? Did your mother and step-father sign a prenup designating what she brought to the marriage as “hers,” or is that how the law would work in your state anyways? Is it possible that your mother had a separate will stating that her separate property (which might include any jewelry, heirlooms, etc.) would go to you? Or that you were a beneficiary of a life insurance policy or 401K or trust? Or that your mother and father had agreed on who your guardian would be, and that was separately documented? Is your half-sibling still a minor who would need to be provided for? Do you know if the will is current? Finding a copy of one old will might not give you a full view of their estate-planning.

    5. I understand why you’re hurt from an emotional perspective, but logically, if you and half-sibling were both minors, the most reasonable explanation of this is that, if your mother and step-father passed, you were in a substantially different situation than your half-sibling, because you would (presumably) have had a surviving parent to take care of you and economically support you, while your half-sibling would not. It makes sense that they’d want to leave financial resources and a designated guardian for half-sibling, because someone who previously was in no way responsible for half-sibling’s care or support would become, essentially, a stand-in parent for half-sibling.

      In your case, the person (again, presumably, since you don’t mention your father being unfit to parent you) taking over your care and custody is someone who was *already* obligated to provide you care and support – your other biological parent – so there wouldn’t be the same need to compensate him for taking on your care, since for him, it’s not some extra above-and-beyond thing, it’s his literal job as one of your parents.

    6. I’d be upset, but if you just found this, then you might not know the whole story. Maybe your mom took out a life insurance policy or had other assets where you were named as the beneficiary that aren’t covered in the will. If it bothers you, talk to her about it before assuming the worst.

  32. I am getting married soon and will be changing my name (from First Middle Maiden to First Middle Hislast).

    Best/most concise way I can reference this in my email signature? I’m not going to send out a blast announcing my new name, but I do want it in my signature so that when people get an email from First Hislast they aren’t all “who???”.

      1. That seems more confusing/complicated given that ar no time will First Maiden Hislast be my actual name, though.

      2. This is what I did, and just dropped the Maiden after a few months. I don’t think it was confusing at all. It’s also how I signed checks before I got new ones printed. My Maiden email still works so you may want to find out how your office handles that.

      3. This is what I did. No one gets confused – people get married all the time and names change. Don’t overthink it!

    3. Formerly First Middle Maiden

      I left that line above my sig block for a few months after the name change, then just deleted it. I got one “congratulations” from opposing counsel and nobody else seemed to even skip a beat.

  33. I had a miscarriage three months ago, and just got a bill for $750, apparently my deductible. I am crazily upset, I know way more so than I would have been had this happened in the context of any other procedure. But seriously, why oh why did I ever leave Canada and move to the US? Next time I’ll know to just wait it out, I guess.

    1. I’m sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. I went to the ER for a threatened miscarriage two months ago, and I had to pay $1,400 for that visit. Then I miscarried two weeks later (accompanied by more expensive doctor’s visits). It’s horrible enough to suffer the miscarriage of a beloved child without the added pain of paying for it.

    2. Hugs and sympathy. I had the same thing happen when I had my MC. It was doubly painful to get that bill – both financially, and just from the standpoint that I felt as though I got nothing for the money I spent (and of course just bringing back the memory of it all).

      1. Thanks Anons. That’s exactly right–there’s just this sense of adding insult to injury given the nature of the procedure. I called the insurance company with the intent of trying to see if they could do anything but to my horror started getting choked up and just got off the call as quickly as possible.

    3. What? No. You got medical care, and aid the normal deductible. Don’t just wait it out next time.

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