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Updated: Jul 27, 2020 392 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Amira Printed Cotton-Blend Gauze Midi Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

When I started working from home, I had grand ambitions of getting dressed up every day, just to maintain some semblance of a “schedule.” After several months of a Groundhog Day-type existence, those plans went out the window, and I went for comfort over style every time. With this orange, gauzy dress, you could have both. I really like the flowy shape and vibrant color.

I would wear this while locked away in my home office or while relaxing next to the pool. The dress is $495 and available in sizes XS–L. Amira Printed Cotton-Blend Gauze Midi Dress

Two options that are more affordable are this silk crepe de chine dress that's marked down to $177 from $253, and this linen-cotton blend dress that's on sale for $104 (was $149). 

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Dance Workout

    What high-intensity dance workouts do you recommend? It’s way too hot to leave the AC these days for my normal run. I’m much more likely to get moving if there’s a good beat, not just “do high knees now.” Sensazao is my recommendation! Are there others?

  2. Anne

    Hi – Any suggestions on a non-desk work from home chair? We want something in the corner of our bedroom that is comfortable to sit and work from on a laptop but looks like it reasonably belongs in the corner of our bedroom. Now that we’re likely in for the long haul, we’re willing to invest in something that will be comfortable and last so don’t mind if it’s not cheap (though cheap is good too!). Thanks!

    • tesyaa

      Wayfair has tons of office chair options and loads of reviews. Some of them are very cute. I am happy with the chair I bought, its comfortable and looks good.

    • Cb

      I really like the classic IKEA midcentury modern chair, the Ekenaset for working on my laptop, we both regularly spend a few hours working from ours a week. With a footstool, it’s really comfortable, and because it’s quite solid, you don’t sink into a weird position. The only problem is that there isn’t a matching footstool, and the two different colours/woods annoys me slightly, but I’d look at something this style.

    • Anon

      What about those chairs you regularly see in libraries that have the little table arm at the side that you can pull up over while you are working?

    • Anon

      If you’re not going to have a desk, I’d think about something you can sit back in and put your feet up, like an armchair you’d put in a living room.

      • Elegant Giraffe

        Agreed, I’d do something like an indoor chaise lounge. We have one in our master and it’s good for reading, talking on the phone, etc.

      • Anon for this

        You said “not cheap” so I will go out on an limb and say I adore my Eames lounge chair and ottoman. I have a small table next to it for a drink and my mouse and it is divine. Again, very much not cheap but it’s just divine. (Also there are knockoffs at every price point so there’s that, too.)

    • Anonymous

      I love my Ikea Ektorp chair and ottoman. I can work in it for a few hours at a time with a lap desk, but not all day.

    • BB

      Ekornes Stressless. Ridiculously comfortable but more supportive than a couch armchair (depending on the model you buy). They also come with little table attachments of various sorts that you can buy! (Pricey though FYI).

      • Anne

        Ohh – I just realized this is the side chair of all my parents’ friends had in the 90s. Tempting.

        • BB

          I HIGHLY recommend these! And their styles have been updated since the 90s. I will be getting the Aura one when we move, but we’ve had one of the 90s ones (I think it’s called Commander or something?) for no joke, 20 years and it still works great. We didn’t take super great care of the leather and it’s the cheaper leather, so that’s peeling a bit, but the chair is still my favorite reading chair!

    • Junior Associate

      On the rather expensive side, the Vitra Organic Chair was the most beautiful and comfortable chair I have ever sat on. They have a dining chair version and conference chair version (suitable for desk height). I believe Herman Miller has a similar design in plastic.

  3. Anon

    32 years old and noticing a couple gray hairs popping up here and there. At what age did you start noticing this? Just trying to get a pulse if I’m in “the norm”. Also, if you started to dye your hair, what age was that?

    • anon

      I’m your age and have just started noticing them as well. They’re few and far between so I’m not ready to start dyeing yet.

    • TheElms

      Around 35, so I think 32 is normal. YMMV but at 38 (so 3 years later) I still have just an odd handful of grey hairs, which would not at all be worth the trouble of coloring. So you may not move from your current stage for a while.

      • Anonymous

        When I was at that stage, I used at-home semipermanent color a few shades lighter than my natural color to turn the grays into highlights.

        • givemyregards

          I’ve thought about doing this, but wasn’t sure whether the semipermanent color would actually stick to the grays. A box is cheap, though, maybe I should just try it out.

          • Anonymous

            If you do this, I definitely recommend starting with a lighter shade as the other poster suggested. Maybe people would have more temporary dye recommendations if you posted your hair color too. I used a dark brown & it came out looking black, not a severe black but darker than anticipated.

          • givemyregards

            I have sort of medium ash brown hair – figured I’d go with a medium/dark ash brown? I thought that semi-permanent didn’t cover grays, but if anyone has recommendations for something that does – would definitely appreciate them!

    • Anon

      42 and I have no idea. My hair is sort of mixed blond/brown/auburn. It’s going to do what it’s going to do and I’m not dyeing it (no way I’d keep up with that level of maintenance). If family history is anything to go by, my mom didn’t get any grays until her early 60’s and now in her 70’s is just a few around her temples. Her sister has had salt and pepper hair since the 1970’s. My dad’s side of the family are all bald, so I have no idea, LOL.

      • Peanut

        Mine is mixed pale blond, brown and auburn too and I just got my first grays at age 61. I always figured I’d highlight if needed but I’ve heard that that is passe. I don’t want to dye but have always wanted to be a blond.

    • Anonymous

      I found my first gray hairs at age 12 and had enough to feel it necessary to start coloring my hair at 19.

      • Gray Lady

        genetics gave my fully graying hair in my 20s, started box-dying at 25. 33 now with no end in sight for at least the next few years. I’m excited to embrace gray, but not until after 35-38?

        • Anonymous

          My mother had totally white hair by 35. I thought about embracing the gray at 35 until I turned 30 and realized that 35 is not that old. Then I upped it to 45. Now at 43 I am thinking 55?

      • just Karen

        Yup, at 39 I am about 80% silver. I’d been dying it, but I am using the pandemic as a time to try growing it out and then chopping it off into a silver pixie. It might be terrible, might be great, but has to be better than the current mess I have going on.

    • no

      The “norm” is largely based on genetics not age. My siblings and cousins started graying during college if not earlier. Each to a different extent, but largely at the same time.

      • Aquae Sulis

        I have one side of the family that went grey in their early 20s, and the other in their 40s.

    • AnonATL

      Like 20… lol I have white hairs mixed in, but they are pretty much all in the lower layers of my hair so not super noticeable. My mom had a very noticeable Stacey London grey streak by 30, so I’m at least ahead of her. My dad is 60 and barely has grey in his head hair (his beard is a mix).
      Can’t say when or if I will start dying it. I have virgin hair and plan to try to keep it that way as long as possible. I know ageism is real though, so I might feel differently when it is visibly grey.
      At least the pandemic buys you some time to decide?

      • Anonymous

        I feel that as you age, you can generally have one thing to go outlier on with no eyebrows raised. Like if you have a Stacy London streak, that is fine if it’s your outlier (Stacy is pretty and thin and well-dressed). I think the struggle is that as you age, you break down generally and widen a bit, so if you are struggling with size / frump, then it is easier to have good hair with a box of dye (and in 2019: a salon trip). I think you just have to be strategic about what you let go and what you don’t (and you can just let it all go or not care: it is your body). But the rest of the world is judgey and if you ever think you are interviewing or about to be presenting, there is a lot of pressure to look very good (and by the lens used for someone who is 29, which is not fair, but how life goes).

        I decided that I could use my small streak of gray, but feel that my haircut has to be good (a challenge in 2020!) and everything else has to fit well and look sharp.

        • Anon

          This is so right. Like you are “allowed” wrinkles if you don’t have grey hair, or you can go totally grey if your face still looks like you’re 30.

          Lately I’ve noticed that subtle eye wrinkles seem to be “allowed” in women’s magazines and are the one facial wrinkle that isn’t Photoshopped to oblivion. I’ve noticed them on Jennifer Aniston, Gwyneth Paltrow, and other 40/50+ celebs. But you NEVER see the nasolabial folds, forehead wrinkles, or neck droop.

        • anon

          This is such a good point. I’ve been all over the Grombre instagram account and looking up going gray on Pinterest, and these ladies look fabulous rocking their gray hair! It makes me want to embrace my gray when it comes in. But I’ve also noticed they tend to have great skin and makeup, neither of which is my forte. So I figure I’ll likely either start covering the grays, or I’ll have to up my skin/makeup game. It seems like letting the grays go doesn’t necessarily result in a net of less time spent on appearance. (Again, as you point out, unless you choose to not care, which is awesome and I fully support. I’m not sure if I’ll get there…we shall see!).

    • i hope it's totally normal

      First grey hair spotted around ~26, for a long time that was the only one. I’m now ~29 and have noticed considerably more in my hair brush, but not yet visible in my hair. Most of my friends have similar quantities of greys. Hoping to hold off on dying for a few more years – think it will be possible since I have brown hair with natural blonde highlights, so the greys seem to blend in with both the depth of color and the fact that some of it is lighter.

    • Anon

      I noticed my first around your age. I’m 40 and I would say I’m maybe 1-2% gray. I have very dark hair, so they are easy to spot. I just pluck them if I see them.

    • Anon

      Just turned 40 and I’ve only seen my first in the last year. As far as I can tell, there are only 1-2, but my hair is blond/brown and they’re not super visible so I might be missing some. There are so few that I just pull them. I don’t think I have the patience to deal with regular coloring.

    • Pink

      I’m 34 and have noticed lots of greys this year (by lots I mean 5-20 hairs). DH is the same age as me and mostly gray already – it’s genetic. He said he doesn’t even notice my greys. I dyed my hair from age 22-29: brown, pink, blonde, you name it. I stopped at age 29 because I moved and haven’t found a good colorist. Honestly, I think my natural hair color, boring as it is, looks best with my skin tone. Plus I couldn’t be bothered with the upkeep, even before quarantine. tl;dr – I think it’s normal. Dye if you want but it’s a lot more work than just ignoring or plucking the greys.

    • cat socks

      I turn 43 next month. I have black hair and I think I was in my early 30s when I started to see some random grays. I didn’t start coloring my hair until a few years ago when the grays started to get more prevalent. I didn’t feel like try to mess with it at home, so I started getting it done at the salon.

    • CountC

      I started coloring my hair at 15 and am still doing it 25 years later . . . lol! I do have one that likes to poke out of my part that never seems to absorb any of the color I put on it. It’s been there since my early 30s.

    • hi hi hi

      Sixth grade! I’m 36 now and I’d say that most of (but not all) my peers had grays by at least 35. Now we talk about grays not just on the tops of our heads… :|

    • anon

      Around 33, during pregnancy. I’m 40 now and I’m sad to say that they multiplied rapidly during my late ’30s. Now I’m getting roots done every 5 weeks.

    • Anon

      I’m 36 and didn’t have grey hairs until this pandemic! Now, they’re growing in around my temples with regularity. My sister is younger than me, and she started going noticeably grey at around 30.

    • Amber

      Try color wow root cover up (available on Amazon). It looks like eye shadow – you swipe it on and it only lasts until you wash your hair but it might work for your situation.

    • Anon

      About your age when I started noticing a few grays around my temples, and steadily progressed since then. Probably about 10% gray now at 42, still mostly concentrated at the hairline. Kind of annoying since my mom at 71 doesn’t have that many more grays than I do, so idk if it’s all genes.

    • Ellen

      Dad says it varies, depending on the heredity and amount of stress you have. I am almost 40, and have a few, but Rosa, who is younger, has more, which she gets highlights for. Dad says it is b/c she has already had 4 kids so far, with Ed looking for another boy for the 5th, and her pregnancies have not been as easy as our other freinds, who literally have popped babies out and gone back to work the next week! So I think you are OK, you just have to limit the stress and be prepared to do highlights once your stylist has regular hours and is pandemic ready.

      I wanted to let the hive know that I have met Frank at the park for a picnic, and he brought some fancy wine cooler drink that tasted good. We spent about 30 minutes talking after we ate, and I am not sure there was enough there to continue with anything romantic. He works out of his apartement doing web design, but that busness has kind of dried up since the pandemic. He looked at our home webpage from his Android and did not like them. But he said he would fix it for $2,000 + tax. I told him that we already have a guy who does our web who he’d have to compete with for the busness. He also put his hand on my leg when he talked, even tho that was not necessary. I think he was just interested in s-x, which was NOT going to happen, so I told him we could text next week.

    • Anon

      Regularly, around age 45. I get very subtle highlights to blend them in rather than covering them.

      At present I have very subtle highlights that start 3” down from my scalp. #covidstyle

    • Jess

      I started noticing them at 26 (and am blonde). My stylist now uses a semi permanent color a few shades darker than my natural color on my roots to cover the grays and does blonde balayage highlights upward.

      A semipermanent dye job is $29 at my salon, so at that price it wouldn’t be worth it for me to do it at home.

    • Anon

      Been going slightly gray since early twenties, with a huge ramp up mid-30’s. Going to go gray naturally–I had two female mentors with beautiful gray hair. I don’t want to deal with the upkeep of coloring, plus I don’t think it’s “not taking care of yourself” to embrace your gray hair. I’m also in law, so gray hair is a plus from a professional perspective.

      Side note, I have been playing around with Overtone fun colors (rose gold/purple) a bit while in quarantine (mostly on tips) because all my appearances are video/phone, and it’s the only chance I’ll get to have funky hair. If I need to, I can just pull my hair back, but the Overtone is subtle enough indoors on a Zoom call that I haven’t had to do that yet.

    • NY CPA

      I was just thinking this morning that I wanted to ask the EXACT same question here. Funny!
      I just turned 28 and have started noticing one or two near my hairline. My hair is very dark brown so I definitely notice them, but dont think others do yet. My mom has black hair naturally and when I was a kid (so mid-late 30s for her), it was fully salt and pepper.

    • anon

      I’m 32 also and I’ve had a few stray grays since I was 18. I noticed like 3 at the time, and probably up to 10 or so by the time I was 26 or 27. No more since then. I have black hair and they’re not remotely noticeable so not dying yet. Hopefully it continues to progress at this pace! mother and grandmother went gray at like 25 and 18 respectively, so so far I’d say I’m happy with the way things are going for me!

    • Anon

      I found my first gray hair on (no joke) my 25th birthday, and my second on my first anniversary in Big Law, which was when I was 27 I think. I never really got any more, and now I don’t even see those two. And I have very dark brown, almost black hair so my gray hairs (they’re actually white, not gray) are extremely noticeable. I’m 37 now, still no dye and no visible grays, so you may have a long time before you need to dye your hair.

    • Kat in VA

      I got my first gray hairs at 14. Yes, 14. My dad’s side of the family goes silver very fast – he and his sister were entirely silver by the time they hit 35.

      I have strands here and there, but mostly a Stacy London gray streak that I just leave alone. My hair was dark brown and has lightened up to a light brown for some reason.

      I dyed my hair for years, and then got sick of the hassle, smell, mess, and everything else. Now I just rock the streak and realize that I’m going to be 50 next year and I can’t fend it off forever.

  4. Anonymous

    Has anyone found good resources for trouble shooting a dating profile? I get maybe 2 matches on bumble a week and a like on Hinge once or twice a month and idk if there’s anything I can do to improve?

    • Anon

      The Reddit forums for online dating (general) or a particular app (they have a Hinge forum and a Bumble forum) are pretty good for this. Lots of people post their profiles for review and the comments are very constructive.

      If you’re over 30, Reddit’s /datingoverthirty forum is also good.

      Good luck!

    • Junior Associate

      There’s a Ted talk on hacking online dating by Amy Webb that I found helpful.

    • CountC

      Not sure how helpful this will be since I am a woman seeking a man and I presume you are a woman, although not sure if you are seeking a woman or a man. I think universally, good in-focus pictures, both of face and full body. I also like a hobby pic (holding up a fish pictures aside). Profile text – not too long and not too short. Once sentence about what you are looking for, something that shows off your personality, and something quick about your main interests. I also like to see kids mentioned if they are in the picture, although I do side-eye the people who use pics of their kids on their profile! Black out their faces if you must!

      These are the things I look for in profiles.

      • Anonymous

        Yes woman seeking man. I agree with you on all of these and have done them. Thanks though! Reassurance I’m doing something right

        • CountC

          So much of online dating is a crap shoot. I swipe left 98% of the time – my area is crappy for singles in their 40s. Sigh.

    • Veronica Mars

      I’d definitely get professional pictures done if you can afford it. It’s amazing what a good photographer can do. I think it would be entirely reasonable to pay $300-$500 for a mini session. You could either make it all dating app related, or you could look for a good professional headshot photographer to update your Webex/Zoom/LinkedIn profile. When I did mine for my LinkedIn, I wore a black dress with a blazer over it. The photographer took them outside, so they were more casual, and I used the jacket-on pics for work and the jacket-off pics for my personal facebook and insta.

      • Anon

        +1 to professional photos, and makeup and hair done before then. I found someone on Craigslist who got me about five great photos in different outfits for under $200. It was kind of embarrassing posing outside but I started getting 10x the number of messages overnight.

      • Anon

        $500 for a photoshoot for your dating profile is reasonable?! Are you literally made of money??

        • Veronica Mars

          As I mentioned, I did it for my professional LinkedIn and Webex. I see my Webex picture all day, every day, on every meeting when my camera isn’t turned on. So for me, it was very much worth it and could be a dual purpose for someone else looking to date and have a more polished online appearance. When I was dating, I used professional photos that I’d had done for my college graduation, so again, dual purpose.

        • anon

          I’m the anon at 11:50 – you definitely don’t need to spend $500 for some simple dating profile photos, especially in these times where people probably need/want the work. I went back and it looks like I paid $120 for my photos, and I got my makeup done at Nordstrom (free with $40 purchase) and a simple blowout at my salon was another $40. All in all it can be done relatively cheaply for what is a one time investment.

    • Anon

      I’m going to speak for what I didn’t like about other profiles, so this might come off a bit negative, but I hope it’s helpful. One thing I couldn’t stand when I was on those apps was when all or the majority of a person’s photos were group photos. I had a really hard time figuring out who the person was, they were usually far away, etc. I always swiped left. I also preferred when the guy put something about what his occupation was. I didn’t expect him to flat out state the company he worked for, but “banking” or “lawyer” is helpful. Good luck!

      • Anon

        Why do you care about his profession? So you can rule out men who don’t make enough money?

        • Anon

          I care about profession because people spend an enormous proportion of their time, energy, and thought on their professions, and my observation is that this shapes people to a degree, and also that many people self-select into professions that are good fits for them based on other characteristics they hold. So it tells me a lot about a person. I cannot guess how much money a person makes from broad occupational categories like “lawyer.”

          • Airplane.

            Are you serious? Of course I care about profession. Is this even a question? He spends 8+ hours of a day working, that’s a big chunk of waking hours.

        • cookie

          You’re judging these profiles for potential compatibility, right? If you know you’re not interested in dating someone who works in fast food, isn’t that helpful to know in advance? Sheesh.

          • Anon

            Yea there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone so far off of your socioeconomic status. I don’t want to date someone whose idea of a nice dinner out is Applebee’s. It’s just different standards/lifestyles.

  5. NoMoBoss

    Does anyone have experience with buying a small business? Not necessarily focused on franchises, but would consider them. Looking for resources or places to start getting educated. There seem to be brokers for this – do brokers help buyers in a meaningful way or are they mostly aligned with sellers? At the very beginning of learning about this, but would like to consider purchasing a going concern. Note: not looking for advice on the pros/cons of owning a small business – I have some experience with that, and that will come after I get up to speed on how the valuing/financing/purchase process actually works!

    • Anonymous

      As an initial step, I’d read up at the Small Business Association (SBA) and IRS website. Your local Chamber of Commerce might also have some good links/info/networking opportunities.

  6. Anon

    Thanks to all who sang the praises of the Dyson cordless vacuums. We finally got one and it’s the only exciting thing I have inside the walls of my COVID-induced house prison. It’s been a gamechanger to have good suction to FINALLY get our nasty rental carpet clean and the cordless part makes it SO much easier to do those quick jobs like getting a few bits of dirt that came off the floor mat. I never know it could be so satisfying to vacuum and I’m feeling better about our ability to keep things cleaner going into the fall and winter, when I’m anticipating the desire to nest/be cozy while the pandemic rages on. I’m doing all I can to make our environment pleasant and safe and this vacuum has helped a lot. So, thanks again!

    • EB

      I missed the first discussion, but I will cosign how awesome it is to have a cordless vacuum. I can do my whole house in one charge and, while I have always kind of enjoyed vacuuming, now I really do. I do it like every other day just because I can.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Thank you for posting this. I’ve been delaying on pulling the trigger on getting the Dyson cordless vacuum but I’ll be ordering today!

    • Anon

      +1. And my husband thinks its a leaf blower, so he vacuums way more than before we bought it.

      • T

        I have a small Ryobi battery-powered workshop blower that gets 99% of its use blowing the floors of our home. Your husband is not alone in his inside-leaf-blower dreams :)

        I love my cordless Shark, but if you have non-carpeted floors, pets and/or an indoor/outdoor lifestyle I cannot recommend the blower enough.

    • Anon

      I didn’t get a dyson but got the Shark Pet Pro based on a recommendation here (thank you!) and I agree that cordless is a game changer. My husband grabs that thing all the time and runs around vacuuming with it. I’m fine with this.

      • Duckles

        Does it really get pet hair up? I have a Pet Hair Eraser that does nothing for the hair from my long-hair, shedding breed, and a Eufy that does work but requires trying to detangle all the hair from the rolling brush after every use.

    • Panda Bear

      May I ask, which one did you get? There are so many options! I’m considering one of the many ‘animal’ models (so much dog hair in my house), but I overwhelmed by choosing from V7, V10 pro, V11, and more.

    • MKB

      I just ordered one (the V10 animal) yesterday based on the recommendations here, so I’m happy to see this update! Eagerly awaiting delivery now….

  7. Kelsey

    Does anyone have any recommendations for a fun (or just not boring) book to read on US or World History? I am realizing that I never learned history that well and would love to educate myself, but reading a high school textbook in my free time seems unappealing. FWIW, I’m a lawyer mom in my mid-40s.

    • anon

      Not a book, but I find the Crash Course series on YouTube very enjoyable. They have world history, US history and recently, European history.

    • Anon

      I have Don’t Know Much About History by Kenneth C. Davis. I haven’t read the whole thing yet but what I have read was interesting.

    • Anon

      A People’s History of the United States. It’s excellent and important reading. I would pair it with a few more traditional biographies or books, perhaps something by David Hackett Fisher.

    • Anne

      I find biographies helpful for this – it tells you about a period of time but the good ones read like a novel.

    • Anon

      While I haven’t read the particular book, I’ve read other Howard Zinn books that I liked.

      I’d recommend A People’s History of the United States

    • Junior Associate

      The Cartoon History of the United States and the Cartoon History of the Universe!

    • JTM

      +1 for Lies My Teacher Told Me

      Also if you like podcasts, the Stuff You Missed In History Class podcast is really good and they have an extensive backlog – I’ve learned a ton from the podcast.

    • editrix

      Second for These Truths by Jill Lepore, and if you enjoy audio books, she does a great job reading it.

    • anon a mouse

      1492 is great for world history. A People’s History of the United States is great too.

    • Of Counsel

      Lies My Teachers Told Me is indeed a great book with two cautions: (1) it is very USA centric and (2) it is not a good survey of history. It will however help you more critically read the history books you select.

      Putting on my historian hat for a moment, any history is biased because it is impossible to sum up the totality of a historical period in a single narrative. By selecting the facts that constitute “history”, the historian decides what the story will be.

      In terms of books – I second the suggestion for biographies. Anything by Ron Chernow is very good (his books on Washington and Grant are excellent for understanding of both the Revolutionary War and the Civil War/Reconstruction period). In terms of world history, do you have any times or locations you are particularly interested in or are you just looking for a brief overview so that you can generally identify what was happening in the early 20th century?

    • Anonymous

      I love the Sarah Vowell books, which are mostly essays that mix personal stories, biography, opinion, and history.

  8. Carrie

    I’ve heard such great things about menstrual cups on this s ite, but they are just not doing it for me. Before I got rid of mine, I thought I would see if anyone here can help me use them better. For what it’s worth, I have delivered 2 kids v*ally.

    -Mess: (1) When I empty it, the blood leaves a big stain in our toilet, and I have to flush several times to get it to go (mostly) away. (2) It always drips a bit when I remove it, on the toilet seat, floor, sink ledge or similar (and I am a pretty neat, coordinated person). (3) Amplifying issues 1 and 2, it pretty much always gets loose, dislodged or uncomfortable when I have a BM, and so I have to remove, rinse and reinsert it whenever that happens. I am home right now on mat leave, and thereafter will be working from home until we have a vaccine, but these issues alone make it very hard for me to imagine using one if life returns to normal and I am back at work one day.

    -Fit: Maybe related to (3) above, I find that sometimes it fits in perfectly, and sometimes it feels off. I can’t tell if it’s related to where I am in my cycle/period, or if it is related to digestion, or if it’s just persnickety to insert, or what. Over the course of nearly a year, I’ve tried several different cups, large and small, and have not managed to find one that consistently fits easily. And even when the fit seems fine, there is often a bit of leakage.

    Honestly, at this point I am using them (coupled with period undies) out of environmental guilt, and my preference would be to go back to pads and tampons. An additional awkwardness is that there is often a curious child in the bathroom with me these days, and pads and tampons were much easier to be discreet about than a drippy, bloody cup that I need to clean and then fold up and jam in multiple times to get it right.

    Please help me clean up my act!

    • Cb

      I’ve never managed to make them work, but I’ll make a plug for reusable pads. I find them really absorbent and because they snap rather than use adhesives, they don’t irritate my very sensitive skin. I just rinse and throw them in the laundry and have not have any issues with staining etc.

    • Anonymous

      Just use pads and tampons! You’ve tried for a year and it isn’t working. You don’t have to be a martyr.

      • Pink

        This, but more gently. I applaud you for trying but I also cannot use a cup, even though most of my friends swear by it. Most of them are polite enough not to judge but to the one who is a fanatic I just say “I tried. It didn’t work for me.” and remind myself it’s not a competition.

      • Anon

        +1 – if you’re really bothered by the environmental impact, use tampons without applicators or flushable cardboard applicators. The cardboard applicator type is getting really hard to find though.

      • LaurenB

        I agree. If it doesn’t work for you, then move on. It’s like br****feeding – it works for some, doesn’t work for others, do what works for you and move on already.

    • Anon

      Changing it in the shower is the way to go (and a bidet helps for the other times). That should help the first two issues, but maybe you need to try a different brand for the fit problems.

    • Anonymous

      I’m also relatively new to trying a cup and though I haven’t tried this out yet, have heard that since blood is more viscous (hence the having to flush several times), you should try laying a piece of toilet paper down in the bowl first, and then empty the cup on top of that.

    • anon

      I had the same issues and eventually gave up. It was not worth the mess or hassle for me.

    • Anon

      Is your first name Carrie or is this a Stephen King reference? If it’s the latter, I’m here for it today lol

    • Anon.

      Re: fit, I notice that the positioning of my cervix changes during the day (apparently that is normal). The cup is more likely to feel uncomfortable in the evening.

      Re: messes, I try to empty the cup tilting it towards me instead of away from me (so, for a right handed person that movement after grabbing it would be like looking at your watch worn on the right hand, if that makes sense). That way any drips go in the toilet bowl under me, and it also gets the liquid more into the water. Re: flushing several times, yes, that is a thing especially on the heavy days where the fluid is more viscous. I have never tried the toilet paper trick above, but I think that could work.
      If you don’t want to transport it to the sink to rinse it out, I’ve heard some people use a water bottle and do it over the toilet.

  9. kanon

    At what point did you start throwing money at fertility- things like an ava bracelet, visiting an acupuncturist, taking supplements and teas and other stuff? I’m trying to figure out the balance between remaining patient and doing *everything* possible to maximize our chances

    • Anne

      Have you read taking charge of your fertility? I’d go all on on her methods (which are free) before that next round of stuff.

        • Anonymous

          It’s not table stakes it’s reliable and evidence based. There’s a reason no doctor is prescribing teas. If you’ve been trying for a year or 6 months if you’re over 35 go to the doctor.

        • Anon

          If you’ve done what’s in the book (and are tracking ovulation with a monitor anyways), I’d see a doctor after 6 months.

          • Pink

            +1. If you’ve already seen your OB and been trying for six months, I’d seek out a reputable RE. I have a lot of complicating factors that I hope you do not have, but I cannot tell you how much I regret farting around with maca root and acupuncture when I could have been addressing the actual issue.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t do any of the teas and bracelets. Why not focus spending on your medical providers recommendations as you see fit?

    • Anonymous

      I didn’t. All of that stuff was woo woo dust to me. I had a bunch of sex and when that didn’t work I went to the doctor. And then spent a fortune on actual treatment.

    • Anon

      I’d try the acupuncturist as soon as I was starting to feel stressed about things, because whether or not it helps with fertility I find it incredibly calming.

      I don’t know what kind of supplements you have in mind, but I wouldn’t hesitate to try an upgraded prenatal. I’m personally not waiting for all the data to be in on folic acid vs. methylfolate, for example, since I have already experienced that methylfolate is awesome for my PMDD whereas folic acid has never helped. But I think of prenatals as multivitamins (that is, I want them to help me feel my best at any time).

    • Anon4this

      We used a clear blue fertility monitor from the beginning, but my cycles were irregular and I wanted to get a better sense of if/when I was ovulating.

    • (In)fertility

      I think everyone is different in how long they wait to pay for various things, and it also depends on how old you are (I probably would’ve been more “relaxed” about it had I started trying at say, 26). But I was 32 and am a control freak, so we did maybe 2 months of trying without any sort of interventions, and then I bought the cheapie ovulation strips on Amazon (seriously, don’t bother with the Clear Blue reader). I got the easy @ home ones and started doing that and taking my basal body temp by month three of trying and recorded everything in an app.

      In the end, I’m glad I did all that and wasn’t “relaxed” about it, because it turns out I ovulate around day 20 rather than the average day 14, so I would’ve been entirely missing the window. I’m also glad I have all of that data because when we had tried for a year and went to visit a reproductive endocrinologist, I had a lot of background info and data about my cycles. YMMV, obviously! (and I sincerely hope it does. Infertility sucks).

      I also recommend reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. TCOYF first and tracking cycles. When I went off the pill I didn’t cycle for more than a year (steady temp, no rise and fall, no p*riods), so I had an ‘in’ to the RE when we were trying right away without having to wait the 6 months/year that was typical.

      • Anon

        Agree. You can use a good temperature/fluid chart to troubleshoot a lot of problems, from oestrogen dominance to a luteal phase that is too long or too short.

        It also drives me crazy how people say things like, “I know when I ovulate, so we have sex when I ovulate, and I can’t figure out why I’m not getting pregnant.” Hum, maybe because the egg is only good for twelve hours, so if you have sex a full day after you ovulate, you may as well get your tubes tied.

    • Anonymous

      I was old (35+) when I started trying. After a miscarriage, I got a clear blue monitor, acupuncture and fertility yoga. I also temped (and read TCOYF). Acupuncture and yoga were probably not necessary, but made me feel better—I felt like it was therapeutic. I now have 2 kids.

    • Anonymous

      That stuff is all just to make you feel like you are taking action. Start tracking whatever data you will need to show your doctor (ovulation, etc.).

    • busybee

      I tracked my BBT to determine ovulation. It cost like $2 to buy the thermometer and I used the free Fertility Friend app to rack. After a year I saw a specialist. I was 29 but if I’d been 35 I would have gone after 6 months, which is the typical recommendation. After 10 months of fertility treatment with no success, I began acupuncture. It has noticeably improved a key metric. It’s “woo” to some but it works for me (and my husband’s sciatica) so I’m willing to pay $25 a week for it. I also take a couple of supplements but only on the advice of my RE.

    • Anon

      I started throwing money at fertility after we tried for 6 months (age 38), weren’t successful, and saw a RE :) lots, and lots of money.

      We’re expecting our first child in October (via IVF).

      Nothing I threw at fertility prior to the RE would have helped, because as it turned out, our issue was a blockage issue that timing/teas/herbs/headstands/etc. wouldn’t have helped anyway.

      During fertility treatments, I did do accupuncture (I found it incredibly relaxing and insurance covered it, so I figured it was worth it regardless of whether or not it had an impact), and I followed the vitamin protocols in “It Starts with an Egg”. No teas or Chinese herbs. I didn’t modify my diet at all (I generally eat fairly healthily so I figured I was fine – I didn’t cut out gluten or dairy or anything else). I also did Fertility Yoga.

    • Anon

      If you’ve been using an OPK/temping and have definitely gotten the window right for 6 months I’d go to the doctor. You’re only half the equation, it could be your partner! In which case acupuncture will do nothing, efficacy debate aside.

    • Anon

      +1 to everything above. Tried 12 months (32 years old), ended up doing IVF due to male infertility (currently pregnant).

      I would suggest having your OBGYN do some very basic testing if you haven’t already (blood work including AMH, FSH, post-ovulation progesterone, genetic screening if you’re interested in it) to check for high-level egg reserve (AMH, FSH) and to confirm whether you are ovulating (post-ovulation progesterone). You should also rule out PCOS/endometriosis. If you’re already having sex every other day of your cycle, then wait 6 months (if over 35) or 12 months (if under 35) and see an RE for more extensive testing. For us, it was an issue with my husband, so all the temping in the world wouldn’t have solved our issue.

    • Duchess

      I bought an Ava bracelet, because I felt like I wasn’t doing the temping right. I think I’m a mouth breather and my dog would get me up at inconsistent times, so my temperatures were all over the place. The Ava gave me nice consistent temperature measurements. I also did OPKs — both the Amazon cheapies and the Clear Blue. I MUCH prefer the Clear Blue. Ultimately, none of it worked for me and I’m actually on Day 11 right now of stims for my second round of IVF, but having all the data was helpful when I first met with my RE. We were able to rule some things out immediately with all the data brought to the table.

      • Anonymous

        Another data point: I got pregnant my second month trying while using the Ava bracelet and only having sex when it told me to. My friends have also used the same Ava bracelet to get pregnant quickly. All early-mid 30s women

    • Fertility Anon

      At 32, I tried for about 6 months before I started pursuing interventions. I’m Type A and was not good at waiting with no payoff to my efforts. People on thissite recommended seeing a reproductive endocrinologist rather than messing around with other doctors beforehand, and it was 100% the right move. It didn’t make it easy, but getting a good RE made me feel like I was doing something, and ultimately helped me get pregnant (second round of IUI; in all, took about 2 years to get pregnant after we started trying).

      I also did acupuncture, which as others said may or may not have helped but was incredibly relaxing and helped my stress. I tried various supplements early on, but I think it was a waste of money. That said, whatever helps you relax and feel more productive may be worth it! I tried temping for a while (used the Fertility Friend app as mentioned above) but was not consistent. I also used cheap ovulation strips ordered off Amazon (Pregmate, I think).

      Sending love and support from an internet stranger – as I mentioned above, I did end up getting pregnant and now have a wonderful child. The path leading there remains one of the most emotionally challenging periods I’ve ever had, even when many other life experiences would seem harder on paper. Good luck, and know that it’s okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are.

    • T

      After two months I bought a TempDrop bc I am impatient af and could never remember to take my temperature in the AM. Got pregnant that cycle.

  10. Anon

    Has anyone actually met their significant other through Tinder? I browse the NYT weddings page sometimes and usually it will say that a couple met through Tinder. But for some reason, my experience on that app has been really gross and a total waste of time. The men are usually ugly and/or sleazy. I usually had to swipe left 200 times just to swipe right once. I do know one friend who met her husband on there, but she said when they first matched, they initially had just been hooking up with each other, and that it eventually evolved into a relationship. As someone who is not comfortable getting intimate men until there is a long term relationship, is this how ppl who meet their husbands on Tinder these days? You have to be willing to hook up with a bunch of guys and hope that one of them will stick around for a relationship?

    • Anonymous

      It worked for my niece. She married a guy she met on Tinder during college. They are about to have their second child.

    • Anonymous

      Why do you care? It’s obviously not for you and the way you speak about people who, gasp, might enjoy a good hook up is pretty gross.

      • Anon

        I should probably mind my own business but I want to stick up for OP here. After reading this comment I had to go back and reread the post a couple of times to see what I was missing. She just factually mentions her friend was hooking up with her husband at first, and opines out loud wondering if that’s the only way it works, but I don’t get judgement from either of those things? Just that it’s not her.

        Is it because she mentions the guys being sleazy? One can have an open mind about casual hook ups but also think certain individuals are sleazy for other reasons at the same time.

        • anon

          +1. I’m someone who very much enjoys casual s*x and I didn’t feel any judgment from OP. She’s just lamenting the fact that apps (which are a big part of the dating landscape) don’t mesh with her own approach to dating/relationships. Nothing wrong with acknowledging that.

      • givemyregards

        Yeah, that last sentence of the OP’s post was completely unnecessary. I met my husband on tinder and it was the same as meeting on any other app/real life introduction. We chatted for a bit, went for a coffee, went for dinner, and four years later got married. Not particularly scandalous.

          • givemyregards

            Lol, sentences can be questions. Maybe my response was overly harsh, and I apologize, but my initial read was similar to Anon at 10:19 – that the last question was rhetorical and a bit judgmental. Obviously not everyone who met their spouse on tinder had no agency in their relationship and was just hoping that the last in a long string of hookups would “stick around.” I’m sorry OP has had a bad experience with the app – as others have mentioned, I think it’s very location-specific and the type of people using it ebbs and flows.

          • Anon

            Yes, I read it as a question that, like, Carrie Bradshaw would type out on her laptop starting with”I wondered…”

    • Anonymous

      No (I fished off of the company pier). But I have to say, I think that the NYT weddings section are a cross between smug fiction and some random NYC utopia where people meet there and fall in love and start a committed relationship. Like it was my dream to be in it as a teen and it got so bad in my early 20s that I was pretty much hate-reading it and just feeling a lot of pity for myself that the NYT wedding life hadn’t materialized even though I was a good person. At first, you had to be perfect, for generations. Then you could be imperfect, but only if you were some unicorn of “perfectly imperfect.” So . . . burn it and see if it makes you feel better.

      • Airplane.

        “I fished off of the company pier” I’ve never heard this expression – ha!

        Agree with you on NYT – the couple I know who were featured there – article and video. She yells at him all the time and their interactions when in front of others is awkward for everyone else because of all the bickering. But hey, they had a baby awhile ago and if you just looked at photos it seems perfect.

    • anon8

      Abra from Cap Hill Style posted a bit about meeting her husband on Tinder. It was a while back, so you may have to search or scroll back a while to find those posts.

    • CountC

      I’ve met some very nice guys on Tinder who truly are there to be in a relationship, but like all of the dating apps, I think some of this is location dependent. I swipe left far more than right on all dating apps, and in my area, it’s the same people on all the apps regardless of what you are looking for.

      You do not have to do anything you don’t want to in order to be in a relationship (which I know you know), dating is a time sucking game of numbers unfortunately.

    • Anon

      Yep. My husband and I met on Tinder in late 2016 and we married in spring of 2018. Neither of us was the hook-up type. I even mentioned in my list of hobbies, “taking naps after church,” as a signal to guys. (Also, I go to the 8 am service and taking a midday nap on Sundays is legit one of my favorite hobbies :D )

      FWIW, like all dating apps, Tinder varies greatly by area. In DC, there were a lot of high quality men on there – nobody in DC has time for long, drawn-out profiles, and in fact, the men I met on Match all Had Issues, while Tinder was where the “normal” functioning adults were located. YMMV.

      • Shopaholic

        FWIW, tinder was very different in 2016 than it is now – it was pre-bumble and hinge so there was just a higher quality of human. I agree it’s probably location based but in my area, tinder has really gone down hill but there are people looking for relationships on the other apps, so try bumble or hinge?

        • Anon

          I do realize that 2016 is like referring to the Dark Ages in terms of dating apps, but Bumble and Hinge were around ;) I was on them (and OkCupid, and even, for a brief moment, eHarmony). Tinder had the best men of all of them. (Bumble had lots of frat bros and Hinge had awkward guys with no people skills.) But yes, apps’ popularity vary with time and location.

        • Junior Associate

          I agree the pool really varies depending on location and app. I’ve had good luck with Coffee Meets Bagle in NYC.

      • emeralds

        I met my husband on Tinder in 2016 too! I’ve heard from friends that it’s gone downhill since then, but at the time I was using it, I had no issues (other than the standard-issue nonsense you’ll get on any dating site). I wasn’t on it that long–I think I only went on four or five dates? But all of the guys I met in person were perfectly pleasant, no pressure to hook up or anything like that.

    • Anon

      Try Hinge! It’s not Tinder or nothing. Hinge has relationship-minded men and a more engaging user interface (IMO) than Bumble, which I really did not like.

      I think using Tinder to find a relationship is kind of like going into a bar, having a one-night stand, and expecting it to turn into your husband. It can happen, sure! It definitely does happen. But most people in the bar are probably looking for hookups, and you can’t go in there counting on relationship-minded people. That said, if you swipe and screen carefully, you’ll probably find someone who is looking for what you’re looking for, since Tinder has a little bit of everything.

    • Anon

      Yikes, judgmental much? You also sound really shallow if you think lack of physical attractiveness is the same level of character flaw as being sleazy.

      • Anon

        I’m not OP but I think dating is one of those areas where you can and should be judgmental. If you’re not attracted, you’re not attracted.

    • Anon

      I kind of met my husband through Tinder. We technically met at a party ~5 years prior (spoke for 2 min tops, never saw each other or talked again), and then when we matched it was like “oh hey I remember you”. That was in 2013, I’ve heard the app has changed a lot since then.

    • AZCPA

      Getting married i October to a man I met on Tinder in fall 2016. No hooking up, just dating. We went pretty slow, frankly. Sure, some guys were interested in hooking up, but I just said not to those, and there were many pleasant dates I went on prior to meeting my fiance.

  11. Heart Rate Training

    Could use some guidance on heart rate training. I ride my Peloton regularly. I’m overweight at this stage in my life, but trying to find my inner athlete, and hopefully/incidentally lose some weight. Going back 5-10 years, past training that has been very focused, including CrossFit and running a few half marathons, looks like me following a rigid training plan, but basically always doing more, more, more – maxing effort, etc (taking appropriate rest days and recovery steps, fwiw). It’s sort of just how I’m wired.

    When I ride my bike I’m pretty used to just going hard, trying to max output, PR and be at the top of the suggested resistance ranges. I’m pretty consistently at the top of the Zone 5 heart rate zone. For some rides I’m exceeding 100% for sustained periods, and even hitting/sustaining for 30 second or so at 109% this morning. I’m wondering if I should be dialing it back, given I have the goal of losing some weight. Internet searches and my memory are that Zone 3-4 is best for weight loss. I tried for a moment to settle are there at one point on my ride this morning but it seemed like I was barely working hard. Is that what I should be doing and I just need a mental reset?

    I don’t want to be crazy rigid about this, but if I should be dialing it back some so I might have a better shot of reaching the dual goal of increasing endurance and losing weight, than that’s what I’d like to do.

    Disclaimer being I know the Peloton HRM isn’t the greatest for connectivity but I don’t seem to have any issues. It’s a chest strap one for those that aren’t familiar.

    • Anonymous

      I mean, I think it’s probably bunk that you can’t lose weight in Zone 5. I also think that some people’s HR is just higher when working out. I’ve been doing Orangetheory for several years now and still have more time in the red zone/zone 5 than most. My resting HR is really low so I’m not worried, but I definitely elevate higher and more quickly than most.

    • Anon

      First, you need to determine what your heart rate zones are! There is no one range and it even varies from sport to sport (ie my zones for running are about 10 BPM higher than for cycling).

      The vast majority of my workouts are zone 2. Why? Because at that low intensity, I can function the rest of the day, am not prone to injury and can build endurance so that I’m getting the most out of my interval workouts.

    • The Only GenXer in the Office

      I struggle with this too. Instead of looking at your HR, focus on your rate of perceived exertion. You can’t redline it all the time – you’ll burn out. In general, you want to spend the majority of your time at RPE 5-6 (you can talk, but only 3-4 words at a time and you’re breathing heavy), with bursts into RPE 7-8 (you struggle to get out 1-2 words) and limited time in RPE 9-10 (you’re maxing out and you know it, you can’t talk at all). That may or may not correlate with your HR zones according to your HR monitor because everyone is different. But in general – if you want to increase endurance, you need to dial it back a bit. Look for the book 80/20 Running for some guidance on why you need to do more training at lower intensity to ultimately improve your endurance.

    • BeenThatGuy

      We could be fitness twins; I’m hard wired the same way. Down to the former Crossfit life and now Peloton. I’d suggest taking Power Zone Training on Peloton with either Dennis, Christine or Matt. Before you do it, take the FTP test. You can find it on the dashboard.
      They are 20 minute max effort rides. This test adds a bar onto the touch screen so you can see what Zone you are working in for all rides. Sounds like you need to work smarter, not harder. Also, stop wearing the HRM. It’s worthless.

      Gently, I spent a lot of time in therapy to figure out why I need to feel I need to exercise to feel like punishment for it to be working. From your fitness background, it’s possible you struggle with the same issues. If that’s not you, life your life. But if you come to a crossroads and say “why am I doing this to myself”, please talk to someone.

      • OP

        Thanks for the PZT rec. I’ve been avoiding them for no particular reason. Maybe I’ll start there to try to get some direction on this front.

        I hear you on your latter paragraph, but this isn’t me. I’m glad you’ve been able to work through it therapy, though!

        • Duchess

          Do the 4-week Power Zone Training! I was really scared to do it, but I am so glad I did! I am overweight, so I thought it was just for “athletes,” but my output has gotten so much better. My sister and I did it at the same time (and she is definitely not overweight — she’s routinely in the top 10% of the leaderboard — I am… not…) and we both talked about how easy we thought some of the classes, particularly the endurance classes, were. But after we finished the four weeks, we both talked about how much better our outputs had been. I still focus on PZ classes now (and Cody when I just want to have a good time).

        • Anonymous

          It isn’t? I’m a different poster, but based on what you’re describing, and how you’re describing how you have approached fitness in the past, it’s something to at least explore. You don’t sound like you’re enjoying getting fit.

  12. Anonymous

    I’m overwhelmed by life right now and need to save my energy for critical things. Although I love good food I’m especially drained by meal prep and cleanup, so I’m searching for vegetarian/pescetarian meal ideas that are quick to prep, don’t require a microwave, and have minimal non-dishwasher cleanup…especially dinner. Willing to put in a bit more time if it will result in leftovers. Microwave dinners would work if I had access to a microwave but I don’t.
    Breakfast and lunch I more or less have stuff I can assemble quickly (yogurt + berries, simple sandwiches), but dinner has been a struggle.

    • Cb

      I like a frittata, I just cook whatever veggies are in the fridge, throw in some chutney or some sauce, and eggs and a bit of milk. I can eat it for 3-4 days with a salad on the side.

    • Anon

      If you eat eggs, I bought a premade quiche at the grocery store (I know Whole Foods, Giant and Aldi have them). Price varies but even the Whole Foods one was only $13-16. I’ll heat up a hefty slice of it and call it a day, maybe add a side salad or sliced veggies with hummus. I heat up in the microwave but you could do it in the oven/a toaster oven.

    • Anon

      I like making a salad with pre-bagged and washed spinach, avocado, pre-shredded cabbage, and pre-shredded carrots. Then I top it with a pack of wild Alaskan salmon from Wild Planet ($$) or Patagonia ($$$). I’ll sometimes have a piece of bread or something else on the side depending on how hungry I am. It’s quick, minimal work, and healthy.

      • NOLA

        My MO is similar. Pre-bagged salad, fruit (pears, nectarines, strawberries, blueberries, whatever’s in season), some sauteed chicken (substitute some kind of fish), crumbled blue cheese, and balsamic vinegar. You could add some hard boiled egg if fish doesn’t work in that context.

    • Anon

      Do you have a Costco? They have so many healthy dinner options, I find myself doing our “regular” grocery shopping there these days. Pre-seasoned salmon in an oven-ready tray, Indian and Asian cuisine that just needs to be heated, the list goes on.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      My vegetarian or pescatarian food motto is to put either and egg or shrimp on it to add easy protein. I make omelettes or egg on toast for dinner fairly frequently, and in the summer I make a lot of bean salads (chop up whatever vegetables you like, add a can of beans and vinaigrette and there you go). Stir fry is pretty quick, too, especially if you have pre-chopped vegetables.

    • Anonymous

      I think it helps to think of meals in terms of building blocks. You just need a protein and a vegetable, and a starch if you want or need it. Thinking you have to make a composed dish every day can be debilitating. I can’t deal with it. Salmon fillets can be cooked in bulk and eaten cold, so maybe make three of those and 3 chicken breasts on Sunday. Buy some good beans and cook a pot once a week. I have also found the individually packaged, flash frozen fish to be very handy. Take one out in the morning or the night before to defrost. Sear it in a pan with some butter and lemon juice, or bake it for 10-15 minutes in a foil packet with butter or olive oil, herbs, tomatoes, whatever is on hand, or coat it in some egg and panko and bake. Add a handful of pre-bagged salad or a steamer pack of vegetables.

    • Anonymous

      Frozen shrimp, defrosted, then seared with shell-on or off, in a cast iron skillet with a little olive oil and salt, will give you grab’n’go protein for several days with a 5-minute cook time. Then you can eat it like a shrimp cocktail, throw it in an omelette, wrap it in a tortilla with some lime juice, cilantro, and avocado, or drown it in butter and throw it on pasta if you are up for the wait.

    • PNW

      If you have a rice cooker I do a tomato rice by just throwing a whole tomato in the cooker with the rice and turning it on. When it’s done, you just mash up the tomato right in the bowl. Add a little white pepper and it has a pleasant mild zing to it. I do this probably a couple times a week, with some shrimp or fish cooked up on the stove. Minimal clean up and it’s a nice healthy meal.

    • Anon

      My daughter is vegan so we cook ahead on the weekends and make hummus, basic pasta in marinara (we make the marinara from a blended can of whole tomatoes and some garlic and olive oil, salt and herbs to taste), or maybe pasta in pesto. She will often bake some whole sweet potatoes while we are doing all of this. Sometimes we also make a pot of grains for rice bowls later, which she generally eats with drained canned beans and a fresh avocado, sprinkled with lemon juice, za’atar or hot sauce (or all three). These things can sit in the fridge for a week and are easy to grab and eat.

      For the non vegan in our house, I make a lot of hard boiled eggs to stash in the fridge. Sometimes I make them up into egg salad for easy sandwiches or salads. (Just add mayonnaise and a little apple cider vinegar, salt and pepper, chopped scallions or celery if you like, maybe some paprika sprinkled on top.) My son likes to split the eggs and make deviled eggs, which to me are just egg salad in a different delivery vehicle.

      Next time you’re feeling like spending about 20-30 minutes in the kitchen, make a little pot of rice and this:

      https://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/cod-poached-in-tomato-curry

      It’s pretty easy and is more a matter of having the ingredients on hand than anything complex cooking-wise. And it’s fantastically delicious.

    • Jules

      I made this the other night, it was delicious and dead easy. It makes a ton, so you could halve the recipe and still have leftovers. https://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/spaghetti-with-smoky-eggplant-sauce. It calls for two cups of baba ghanoush, which is essentially two of the regular-size containers from my supermarket’s deli case.

      If there’s a Kroger or Kroger affiliate where you live, I like to buy their store brand organic canned spicy black beans and use them in tacos (super good with steamed, pre-cut butternut squash and goat cheese), in bowls over brown rice (you can get the ready-cooked kind in packets or frozen) and topped with tomatoes and avocado, as nachos, etc.

      We’ve also been cooking ready-made gnocchi; combine it with some sauteed veggies (eggplant, mushrooms, broccoli, zucchini, onions, whatever you have), chickpeas/white beans/shrimp for protein and some good jarred pasta sauce. It’s filling and makes leftovers.

      • Jules

        Also, if you cook a big pot of rice at one time you can use it for days for grain bowls, fried rice, etc. Fried rice is quick with leftover rice and pre-cut veggies (TJ’s cut cabbage and carrots is good, you just need some onion and garlic); you could add shrimp, edamame or tofu (I like to buy flavored, baked tofu, teriyaki or sriracha).

    • Amy

      I hear you, friend. I have the time but very little desire to cook, and we don’t have a dishwasher, either. If you are OK with carbs, I have two pastas for you.

      #1: I make Marcella Hazan’s sauce all the time and serve with angel hair — it’s VERY easy: https://www.food.com/recipe/the-simplest-tomato-sauce-ever-marcella-hazan-273976. For the tomatoes, I buy a 28-oz can of Cento San Marzano peeled tomatoes, available in most grocery stores. I also use regular butter, not unsalted, and I have used yellow, white, vidalia, and sweet onions all with success. OPTIONAL: If you have an immersion blender and you want a smooth sauce (my preference), give it a few seconds of pulverizing before mixing with the cooked pasta.

      #2: I also make “avocado pasta”: Boil farfalle (bowtie) pasta (not sure how many servings you want, but maybe start with a half box). As it’s boiling, mince some garlic and cut up a ripe avocado into small chunks. Drain the pasta, return it to the pot. Add the garlic, avocado, and some salt to taste. Drizzle some olive oil in and mix it up. Add more olive oil if needed — whatever your personal preference is. Add some sliced almonds on top if you feel fancy, or just eat it as-is. That’s what I do.

  13. Allie

    Y’all, I’m really hitting a wall today. I had a nice weekend, went kayaking, golfing. But I just cannot do another day of work from home right now. I know I don’t have any major issues with WFH because my job is stable and I don’t have kids and no one I know is sick.

    But I was honestly okay with this quarantine for a few months. Well, at first I wasn’t, but I got into it and enjoyed the advantages (relaxed schedule, don’t have to dress up) of work from home. And did the usual quarantine hobbies like baking and tried to do things as they reopened.

    I think its the undefined phase now that is really hitting me. My company hasn’t figured out its reopening, and I may or may have to move (to a city I know well) as a part of that. I also really need to get out of my house and go to work, thats an important routine for me and no amount of fancy morning tea rituals is going to replace that.

    Okay I feel marginally better now. I”m going to try and not think to far ahead and not plan ahead until my company says what theyre doing, which theyre supposed to do this week.

    • Anonymous

      I hit a major wall last week. I spent the weekend reorganizing my spare room/office – decided to just take down the guest bed, because who is staying with me anyway, and got flowers for my desk. fresh start!

    • Anon

      So jealous of your outdoor activities. We got really into outdoor stuff for a few months, but now it is too hot to do anything outside really. Too hot for baking to be as much fun anymore. Work is slow because I’m on a trial that just keeps getting pushed. (The judge just keeps moving it a few weeks at a time to keep the pressure on to settle instead of continuing it indefinitely.) I’ve started just cleaning out our house, which is productive, I guess.

    • good and bad days

      My coping goes in cycles, roughly two weeks on, two weeks off. I’ll be doing great, eating well, exercising, walks during the day where I tell my husband about how I’m just really in a good headspace, productive at work, happy with my indoor crafting hobbies, WINNING at this whole lockdown thing. And then somehow I end up in a weird spiral for two weeks, where I just can’t. I get pizza and ice cream for every meal, my workouts are sluggish, I stare at my computer screen and can’t focus, and I just wallow in bed watching TV. I’m in a weird spiral at the moment, attempting to pull myself out of it by cooking healthy food for dinner/the week (I was supposed to do that last night but ate pizza instead). I keep feeling like I should be “used to” this now, because it’s been four months and there’s no end in sight, but man it’s hard. Sometimes it works for me to just do the right things and that eventually gets me back into a good headspace. That’s all I can say, just fake it ’til you make it, and keep doing that if you end up back in a down spiral. I want to go back to the office, and have dinner with friends, and do my group indoor hobbies, and not worry about whether I can or can’t travel.

      • anon

        this is kind of where I am. Some days you feel like you’ve adapted to this weird situation, and then suddenly it’s all overwhelmingly crappy. It comes and goes. For the crappy days, it’s good to remember that they won’t last forever.

        • emeralds

          This is where I’m at, too. I did pretty well last week, but today I’m a mess. Trying to remind myself that it won’t last forever and that just because today feels impossible, that doesn’t mean that tomorrow will, too.

          Things that have been helping me: maintaining some fraction of my regular creative writing practice (even just 10 minutes a day); making myself get up early enough to run or go for a long walk before it gets too hot; yoga in the late afternoon at least a couple days a week, which is always when I’m at my lowest mental ebb; cooking the easiest possible versions of healthy food; giving the f*ck up on maintaining my normal house-cleaning routine.

      • Anon

        Same here. It’s so frustrating, especially since my state was the first (or among the first) to lock down. It’s been a LONG almost-five months.

    • Airplane.

      I’m so with you. Quarantine fatigue and uncertainty anxiety. My job is also stable, no kids and no one I know is sick – I went out on the lake and did some boating and swimming over the weekend, but today I’m back at hitting the wall for work from home. Our work group is not going back to the office at all in 2020 but a lot of plans are up in the air for the business teams I support so it’s unclear what will happen and how that will impact us. I’m trying really hard to lean in to the uncertaintly and frame it as”spontaneity” but it’s hard. I’m working on just being grateful for everything I do get to do while acknowledging that this is still a struggle.

      • Allie

        Yep – “spontaneity”. What’s the harm of a little bit of an up in the air period in my mid 20s, it’ll be okay. Some days I believe that.

        Also to everyone saying they would kill for the outdoor activities – I get that. I know I”m lucky to be able to do them.

    • NOLA

      I had a total meltdown on Friday morning driving home from the grocery store (I’ve been going really early to avoid crowds). Our administration is pushing back on our reopening plan in a not very respectful way, one of my staff who is furloughed has inexplicably now scheduled graduate school classes during work hours (so I don’t think I can bring her back) and I have a 17 item to-do list that seemingly only I can do (not true, but it’s like pulling teeth to delegate). When the dude texted me wanting to order pizza for Friday night and suggested something that sounded awful to me, I just went over the edge and burst into tears in the car. I’ve been really happy working from home, but ramping up for fall and teaching is getting to me. It’s just too much. I decided to just let it go for the weekend and enjoy, which I did, but then I woke up Sunday morning absolutely certain that it was Monday, including calling the glass place for a status on a table top and getting annoyed when they didn’t answer. It’s definitely getting to me!

      • Airplane.

        “dude texted me wanting to order pizza for Friday night and suggested something that sounded awful to me, I just went over the edge and burst into tears in the car.”

        I feel this NOLA, the small things that just push me over the edge are things exactly like this. Clearly not the real issue but the feather that tips the scales.

        • NOLA

          Poor guy had no idea. He called me up, let me cry on the phone and then asked me what didn’t appeal to me about what he was suggesting. I made an alternative suggestion, that he hadn’t seen and he ordered that and a lovely salad for me (that he didn’t care about). But you’re right, it was something out of the ordinary and a little thing and I had literally just gotten the email from my boss about my staff person’s schedule and it was all just too much.

    • Anonymous

      No brilliant suggestions, just total commiseration. I hit a wall, have a good cry, work it out, feel like I’m winning, then repeat cycle. It’s hard. One thing I’ve learned is that we have to keep pushing forward and trying new things to satisfy the novelty urge in our human brains. Just because bread baking worked in March doesn’t mean that it works in August. The office setup that worked in April might need to be tweaked now that it’s four months later. We have to keep changing. It’s so hard.

  14. Anonymous

    An awesome exec I used to dotted-line to referred me to a job at her current company, and I’m interviewing with HR tomorrow. The job would report to her and is in my wheelhouse.

    The company is in LA and I’m in NYC. They’re fully remote for now, though. I asked the exec when she referred me whether it would be possible to do this job remotely long term. She said possibly, she’d have to see (it’s a new team) and we haven’t discussed since. From my perspective there’s no reason the job could not be done fully from home (though it does involve managing a team).

    I’d told her previously I was in theory willing to relocate for the right opportunity but couldn’t be definite. I’d prefer not to be forced to relocate as I’ve built my life here and don’t currently drive, which would make LA a hard adjustment…on the other hand I really want to leave my current miserable job, and NYC is pretty hard to live in these days, too.

    My question is what to say to HR if they ask me about my relocation plans. I don’t want to burn a bridge with the exec by overpromising. At minimum I’d happily work west coast hours and travel there frequently once things are truly safe, and see how I feel about a true move, but unless I actually get laid off I’m hesitant to commit 100% now to moving, when we don’t know what things will be like (and I have other irons in the fire in NYC, though nothing this appealing).

    • Anon

      I took a NYC job from SF by promising to be there as often as needed. They took me up on it, and I was there at least 3 weeks a month for a long time. My goal was to get it down to 1 week a month long term and I never quite got there. I did it for 4 years before giving up and finding something else. So be careful what you promise!

      As grueling as this was, I still preferred it to relocating.

    • Anonymous

      Is the interview with HR the hiring manager (eg you would report to HR)? Or is this the HR screening interview and you would report to your former colleague? I would say “I’m open to it” in an HR screening interview. With the hiring manager, I’d phrase it as “I am open to a relocation if the job cannot be done another way. i am interested in the job because A, B, and C. Given the current state of the country, I’d like to hear your thoughts on how you would want to staff this role over the next 12 months.”

      • Anonymous

        This is an HR screening interview, and I would report to former colleague! Thanks.

    • Anon

      This is an HR screening interview, and I would report to former colleague! Thanks.

  15. BigLaw slack cutting

    My group took on an associate years ago and almost immediately it became my job to train and keep this person busy (the group sort of bailed on this in favor of favorites, all of whom have sense left). The associate is at the mid-level stage where we expect people to launch a bit higher (or get gently counseled out). Lately, we are all struggling with COVID WFH disasters, loss of child-care disasters, etc. This associate is just . . . doing a bit worse and I fear that this won’t be good with layoffs looming. I want to say to her, look, you should consider officially going PT and doing a very good job on fewer things or stepping it up and not ghosting me and/or the newbies. I feel like this sort of thing always falls to me b/c I wear a skirt and like the associate and have worked with her the most. But it feels . . . non-PC or something and also no one has asked me to do this (it just seems to be the writing obviously on the wall). I feel like BigLaw is also struggling always with not driving female lawyers away (but also this year that is likely driving more of a wedge between parents and non-parents). IDK what to do really. I am working nonstop (and have kids and am not looking forward to homeschooling again soon). I hate 2020.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Yeah, I don’t think it’s going to look good to ask a woman with children to go part-time, but telling her she needs to step it up is definitely fair.

    • Anonymous

      Unless this person is an idiot she full well knows she’s expected to be billing her life away and still isn’t doing it. I’d let her stay the course. When she doesn’t respond to you re:an assignment follow up and give feedback on that. And otherwise lean back from this whole situation.

      • Anon

        This, plus, if nobody has asked you to speak to her why do you think you have to? You don’t have to try to save everyone.

    • Amber

      I am not in big law but I agree that it does not sound like a good idea to suggest part time to her. I would counsel her as you would a male associate about following through with assignments and seeking work if she needs it etc.

    • Anonymous

      One thing we are struggling with is that there is a high need to get work done and many people with young kids have no daycare and you can’t really fix that. Do you pretend it’s not happening? How do you deal with the fact that people should (I think) take the COVID childcare leave PT but aren’t? Do they get dinged for doing even less? IDK what the answer is, but some people are just dropping the ball, no doubt b/c they have small kids and no child care, but some are also pregnant (and therefore untouchable).

      • Anon

        My firm (consulting) has been laying off pregnant women left and right, so not sure how untouchable we are!

    • anon

      First, I’m sorry this year is so crappy and you’re overloaded. I’m also dreading distance learning and think all the time about how on earth I’d be managing if I were still in biglaw (hint – probably not well!). You have my sympathy.

      To your question. It sounds like your group has a lot of work and not enough people to do it. What would happen if she went PT? The overall volume of work doesn’t go away. Do you have other people to spread the work to? If so, why not just delegate some of her work to those people now, so she has a more manageable workload? What I’m saying is, if she went part time, do you have an actual plan as to how that would help her perform better, and help you get the quantity + quality of work you need from her?

      In my experience having gone PT at biglaw, people did not really know how to staff + delegate matters to fit reduced hours, so it became a situation where I was struggling to maintain a similar workload, but in fewer hours and for drastically reduced pay. I’m not sure that coaching her to go PT would help either her or you.

      On a separate note, your group should consider trying not to burn out your high performers, then you won’t be left with the lower performers who didn’t burn out! But that’s a whole other topic for another day. Sounds like you’re not part of that problem. Hang in there!

      • Anonymous

        IDK but I think that if you are outputting at 50% and getting paid 90% (COVID cutback pay here), you will probably get sacked, mom of small child with closed daycare / pregnant person or not. But if you took PT status, and were paid 50% for the 50% you were outputting, you probably would save your job. Plenty of people are now cost centers and law firms will sack them first and expect those who are at/above 75% to just absorb it.

        Previously, if you were a protected person and only doing 80%, that was OK as you were probably in the black overall and people wanted to keep you around (maybe you manage juniors well or deal with a difficult client or have some expertise). But now, run in the red at your peril.

        Law firms are horrible at most functions that don’t involve practicing law (hiring, retention, making difficult decisions). A word to the wise is either often wasted or is done at your peril (having it recounted in the inevitable lawsuit), so don’t do that. Sadly, you should step away from problems that should be the firm’s problems otherwise they will become your problems.

    • Anonymous

      I would have a serious and collaborative conversation with her about her work quality, focusing on accountability, taking ownership, and being responsive. It sounds like the root problem is performance more than hours, so part time may not be the right answer (though as someone who made partner as a part time associate, I am of the mind that firms should be very clear that it is available and can be an important tool to manage your life).

  16. Hollis

    I watched a bunch of Taylor Swift music videos on YouTube with my daughters and loved the one for “The Man.” It is about double standards we have for men and women. Thought I’d recommend it to this group of amazing women!

    • anon

      I just think it’s sweet that you are watching music videos with your daughters.

  17. Anonymous

    There’s a “Together Again Expo ” in Florida of all places with 2,000 people going on right now. My CEO and everyone else on LinkedIn is cheering that on.

    And we wonder why so many other countries are better at this.

    • anon

      Yep, agreed. Our government botched its response and plan, big time, but our own citizens are not exactly shining examples of how to behave during a pandemic. I’m disgusted and feel very down about humanity right now.

      • Anon

        It’s certainly an indictment of our educational system that so many citizens lack basic critical thinking skills and the ability to at least be skeptical about wild claims like Fauci manufacturing the virus. Then there are plenty of selfish assh*les on top of that who wouldn’t care about another person if you paid them. We’re in for the long haul now.

  18. Horse Crazy

    Guys, I got engaged this weekend! I’m so excited. So two questions:

    1. Do you always wear your engagement ring? I’ve never been the type to wear a piece of jewelry every day (my ears aren’t even pierced), so I don’t really know what I’m doing. Do you sleep with it on? Do you shower/swim with it on? Are there other things you take it off for? My equestrian ladies – do you ride with it on?

    2. We aren’t going to get married for quite a while because of COVID, but for when we do, what websites/books/magazines/advice did you find most helpful? We both have huge families, so it’s probably going to be a big thing.

    • Anon

      Congratulations!! That’s great news. To answer your questions, I always wear mine (except for right now while it’s so hot out and my fingers are swollen), including to the barn. I do sometimes take it off if I’m swimming in very cold water since my ring is usually a little big, but that’s infrequent. I recommend making a little rule for yourself to never take it off outside your house – if you know you’ll be doing something that day where you don’t want to wear the ring, take it off at home first and keep it in a safe location.

      • givemyregards

        Seconding the congratulations and a practical wedding! I used to plan events and honestly used like… none of their advice (and I didn’t buy the book) BUT I read their website basically everyday when I was engaged just because I was thinking about weddings constantly.

        • emeralds

          +1 for A Practical Wedding. My now-husband and I found their workbook super, super helpful–I’ve even heard him tell his newly-engaged dude friends to get it. I would skip the other book, you can get all the philosophical information from the website.

          I take my rings off overnight, because trying to sleep in jewelry has always annoyed me. They always go in the exact same spot every night. Depending on the activity, I’ll sometimes go ring-less or only wear my wedding band.

      • Curious

        Yes, congratulations!! So exciting :) I wear my ring all the time, but I eased into it. At first I took it off and put it in a dish every night.

        Going to dissent that I hate the Practical Wedding website and found it full of low-quality content and advertising (one woman’s trash is another’s treasure for sure). That said, for me the book was a godsend. Read it first! It made sure we got our priorities very clear at the start which made me more confident during the (inevitable, even in my relatively agreeable family) conflicts and compromises.

    • Allie

      Congrats! If you’re going to take it off for things like equestrian (and I might just for peace of mind) make sure to take it off in the house before you leave and have a specific spot, like a small bowl or jewelry container on your dresser, for it.

    • TO No-Longer-Junior

      Congratulations!! This is such an exciting time, enjoy every minute of it!
      1. I wear mine nearly all the time. It comes off for things like showering/washing dishes/gardening/exercising, but I do sleep with it on. That being said, it’s a solitaire so I’m not worried about losing any tiny pave stones etc. But it really depends on what you’re comfortable with. Several women I know have silicone bands to wear as an alternative when doing something which could damage their rings. I make sure to check the prongs on a regular basis.
      2. I found the wedding planning community on reddit to be extremely helpful. People will often post recaps of their weddings, budgets, etc. and talk candidly about what was and wasn’t worth it for them.

    • Anonymous

      Voice of dissent – I do not wear my ring all the time. I don’t run or workout in it, I don’t sleep in it, I don’t shower in it. Actually, right now as I write this, it’s sitting in a ring dish next to my computer. I wear it when I’m actually dressed and leaving the house. Usually.

      • Senior Attorney

        Same here. I only wear it when I’m dressed and out of the house.

        Now that I’m married I do wear my wedding band 24/7.

        Congratulations and enjoy your engagement!

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Same! Mine has high-ish prongs, so I never want to wear it around the house while I’m working on things, and I can’t sleep in any jewelry, so mine is on a ring dish on my nightstand unless I’m leaving the house.

        OP, get yourself a cute ring dish, whether you plan on wearing your ring most of the time or not! I never have to remember where I set it down.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Same. I don’t wear mine (engagement or wedding, because the wedding band is custom shape to fit around the engagement ring) to the barn, to workout, to sleep, or to shower. Or yard work. Mine is white gold, not platinum, and therefore a little more fragile than some.

    • CountC

      Not engaged, but all of the married women at my barn wear their rings to the barn.

    • Anon

      Yay! Congrats! I wear mine when I leave the house. (So in a pre-COVID world, I’d get dressed and go to work with that and my watch and earrings, then come home and change out of work clothes into comfy clothes and take off my jewelry at the same time.)

      But if you want to wear it all the time just to stare at it, you’re welcome to ;)

      And this is the best little cleaner for your ring. You’ll be amazed how dirty it gets. https://www.amazon.com/Connoisseurs-1050-Diamond-Dazzle-Stick/dp/B00459VM6I

      • Anon

        I do the same. I was getting a rash when I wore mine all of the time. I don’t even always wear them when I leave the house if I’m just running a quick errand I don’t bother getting dressed for.

    • Cat

      Congrats! I wear mine 24×7 (other than dirty chores like weeding, or tasks like painting) but it’s a solitaire on a simple platinum band – so no pave stones to worry about, and the metal is sturdy.

      My friends with daintier settings take them off for the gym (metal weights could damage the pave).

      • Anon

        Actually you really don’t want to wear any rings at the gym – there’s a risk of degloving, which is terrifying to me.

    • Anon

      congrats! my mom wore hers all the time, so i thought i was supposed to do that too. however, a week into being engaged i realize that my finger really hurt/looked blueish when i woke up in the morning…apparently the way i sleep i have my head on my hands and my ring was cutting off circulation to my finger. now i generally put my rings on in the morning and take them off when i get home. no right or wrong – whatever works for you.

    • Airplane.

      Congrats! These are great questions about wearing the ring. I have always wondered the same thing as someone who lifts weights and does not wear jewelry on the reg (my ears are also unpierced!).

      • anon

        I’d take rings and most jewelry off for anything exercise, but climbing and weightlifting especially. The likelihood of something happening is very low, but the result could be very ugly.

    • JTM

      I cannot handle wearing my rings everyday. Pre-Covid, I’d wear it to work, or on the weekends when I went out. Now that we’re basically home 24/7, I don’t wear it much. I don’t sleep in it (it bothers me), I put it on after I get showered & dressed in the morning, and I try to take them off when I wash my hands.

      For wedding resources, I found A Practical Wedding (both the book and the website) every helpful.

    • Anon

      Congratulations!!!

      1. All the time except in the shower (second the Dazzle Stick recommendation)
      2. I liked A Practical Wedding, I also really enjoyed flipping through your standard magazine fare at B&N (and this was in 2018!)

    • American Girl

      Congratulations! I only wear my ring when I’m “dressed” — ie, if I’m also wearing a watch, earrings, and makeup, then ring will be on. But if I’m in yoga pants around the house, running to grocery store, or working out — no way. Google “ring avulsion” and you’ll never want to wear your ring riding again.

    • anonchicago

      Congrats!

      It took me awhile to get used to wearing a ring and I still don’t feel safe wearing it swimming or biking. We bought silicone rings for those occasions and leave the diamonds in the jewelry box. DH had a hard time getting used to a ring and wore the silicone most of our honeymoon because his hands were swollen from flying. We bought Ensos but you can find good deals on silicone bands online.

      And agree with A Practical Wedding, it kept me sane!

    • Gj

      I almost never wear mine, I can’t wear it to the gym and always forget to put it back on after. Husband is the same and neither of us make a deal about it.

    • SSJD

      Congratulations!! What a wonderful piece of good news in this pandemic.
      To answer your question: I wear my ring all the time and have for 20 years. As a jeweler’s granddaughter once told me: the safest place for your diamond ring is on your finger! I wear it to sleep, to exercise, to cook, to wash dishes, etc. I almost never ever take it off. (Give yourself a few months to get used to it before you decide that it’s uncomfortable. I once tried to switch it to my other hand and couldn’t believe how awkward and scratchy it was, just on my other hand! You really do adjust and get used to it when you wear it consistently.)
      No advice about wedding planning resources, but enjoy the fun of this stage of life.

    • Vicky Austin

      Congratulations, that’s lovely news!

      1 – I do not sleep, swim or shower with it on. My husband used to work in a jewelry store and advised me when he got it about the horrors of the sheets wearing down your prongs. I did sleep with it on in hotels in the Before Times when I didn’t want to worry about knowing where I had put it (/had been traumatized by that one scene in Planes Trains and Automobiles, lol). I have a dish on my nightstand for that and all my other daily jewelry (right hand ring, watch, studs) and another dish in the kitchen where my rings often come off while making dinner.

      2 – I actually used an old post from here to figure out what I did and did not need/want on my registry. I remember everyone’s regrets and “really glad we registered for this” comments being very helpful. Link to follow.

        • Anon

          That post is good, but it says that you can make your registry private.

          Warning: there is a company called Registry Finder. Even if you make your registry private, it will make it public and put it on public search engines.

          I built my wedding website from scratch (bought the domain, coded it myself) and put a link on that website to my registry. The site used my first name and my husband’s first name, but no last names. My registry was private at one of the big department stores.

          It still wound up on a search engine because of Registry Finder. RF initially tried to tell me that it was because The Knot made it public. Once I read them the riot act, they took it down.

    • Anon

      Congratulations!
      I currently cannot take mine off due to an insert I had put on it to keep the diamond facing upright (I didn’t realize that would be the eventual outcome of this insert).

      Luckily I wore mine all the time anyway because I am the type that would 100% lose it or have anxiety about losing it if I didn’t.

      I joke to my husband that we can literally not get divorced…(at least without involving some metal clippers…).

    • Anonie

      Congratulations! I am so happy for you. I got engaged at the beginning of quarantine, so I can relate to the mixed emotions of excitement/happiness and fear that the world won’t be safe in time for a “normal” wedding and honeymoon. (My fiance and I have given up on related festivities like bachelor/bachelorette parties, but I am hoping that some outdoor form of a bridal shower can still happen later this year.)

      I can relate in that I was NEVER a jewelry wearer before getting my engagement ring and I was so worried it feel would uncomfortable and that I might even lose it. After several months of engagement, I can attest that it starts to feel like a second skin. I’m sure everyone’s experience is different, but I almost feel naked without mine now :)

      As for good resources, I recommend some of the engagement Facebook groups that have arisen specifically for Covid/Covid-era brides. There a ton of group; the one I’m in has about 8500 girls from all over the country. People post ideas for social-distance-friendly events, must-have registry items, and everything else you can imagine. I doubt a link to the specific group will be allowed here, but just type “Four Weddings and a Virus” into your Facebook search bar and you should find it easily!

    • Ms B

      Congrats! I wore my engagement ring full time during my engagement other than working out, bathing/swimming, cleaning, and sleeping. However, I intentionally got a wedding band that separates from my E ring so that I have the option to wear just the band for travel (when the E ring goes into a safe deposit box), court days when a more subtle ring is advisable, and kid activities.

      • Anon

        Congratulations!
        I don’t wear mine inside the barn, too much dirt and chance of the ring getting damaged. But I don’t wear any jewelry to the barn for those reasons as well as safety.
        My friend has a fake set she wears to the barn if that’s your thing.
        Congratulations again!

    • Anon

      I wore my ring almost all the time for 10 years or so, then switched to just wearing a band. I do end up taking whatever rings off when I cook/am doing dishes, and sometimes when I’m sleeping. Number one tip: get a few little bowls for your ring and make a rule that if you take off your ring it MUST go into a ring bowl. I have one by my bed, one on the kitchen windowsill, and one in the master bathroom. I only, finally, learned this after many panicky where-did-I-leave-my-ring moments, and I hope I can save you this anguish by giving you this tip now.

      And CONGRATULATIONS!!

    • Amber

      Congrats!! So happy for you!! Keep us posted on your wedding plans! I thought that the Knot was helpful back in the day but not sure if that is a good resource still.

      • Amber

        Wanted to mention that one thing that I would do differently would be to book someone to make a video of the wedding. I think this would have been such a nice keepsake!

    • Anon

      Congratulations!!!

      1. Do not wear your ring in a pool or the ocean. My ring could fall down my shower drain, so I do not wear t in the shower. Otherwise, wear as you feel comfortable.

      2. A Practical Wedding.

      2a. I have a lot of wedding advice, most of which amounts to: treat your wedding like project management, not a special event where normal rules do not apply.
      *Think of what you need (officiant, witnesses, to give your guests refreshment after the event), then build the wedding up. Unless you are made of money, do not start at a ‘normal’ wedding and cut until you are within budget.
      *Keep a spreadsheet of every expense with estimated cost, amount paid so far, and the actual amount it costs (ex. alterations).
      *In another sheet of that spreadsheet, keep a running tally of what you are not doing and the costs associated with it. It is extremely helpful to see how everything really does add up.
      *There’s a lot of things that you will not care about after you are married and your guests will never notice. There is exactly one thing that I regret not doing, and that was because it was very unique and would have been fun for my guests.
      *Set deadlines with EVERYONE. Here’s a sampling of what we faced:
      **Our church dragged their feet on approving our wedding; we finally got the thumbs-up five months out. I needed that approval before I could sign contracts on the reception venue, and needed both before I could buy plane tickets for my family (I live halfway across the country from them). It was a headache for a lot of people but the church was all… I dunno, there was no reason they wouldn’t approve, or maybe most people who get married there have their reception in the church hall and have lived in town since forever so no one is buying plane tickets.
      **Reception venue wouldn’t schedule the food tasting until six weeks out, at which point, with holidays, work, other stuff, we literally had one day in that would work.
      **Both of these entities assured me that we had “plenty” of time when I kept trying to schedule things earlier. Demand deadlines.
      **I got some flak when I told family and friends that they had until two months before our wedding to put in requests for whatever they wanted. Cue a week before the wedding, a request for three extra people to join me and my two bridesmaids with the one makeup and two hairstylists the morning of the wedding. (Ceremony was at 10 am, so this was a big fat huge no effing way no, no, no.)
      **Pastor asked to approve our wedding programs two weeks before the wedding. They were already being expedited so they would get in two days before the wedding and not the day of the wedding.

      So anyway, it was a few years ago and I still break out in a sweat thinking about the way people think weddings do not involve deadlines and budgets.

    • Ses

      Wow, congratulations! Nice to hear some happy news.
      I don’t wear my ring except to work and out to dinner etc. It lives in a small bowl in the bedroom.
      I used to wear it all the time, but it’s a danger for finger injury in all kinds of activities, and I’m pretty active and also didn’t like having to worry about it if I took it off while outside the house.
      You could wear it a bunch at first as part of your celebration of this lovely time, then less as you get used to having it.

    • (former)DressageQueen

      Congratulations!!! So exciting – we need all the positive news we can these days!

      I used theknot.com message boards a TON When I was planning. I was also planning a US based wedding from overseas, so having real online reviews were so helpful. This was also 10 years ago, so I’m not even sure if the knot is around anymore…huh.

      And PLEASE don’t wear your ring to the barn. The only way it might be okay is if you wear gloves all the time, and are a rider who shows up to her horse already tacked up and ready to go. Even then….I was a trainer in my past life, and I saw too many horrific accidents involving rings and riding. If you value your finger, i’d leave it at home.

    • Coach Laura

      You didn’t mention if its a solitaire or if it has pave but those impact the answer. Ive never done any barn chores or horse related things without gloves so I do wear my rings. But damage may be an issue. An option would be to get a plain wedding band to wear 24/7. Or get a fancy band with bezel set stones, which I have and love, and after the wedding only wear the solitaire out to dinner or whatever.

      Look at cross jeweler’s equestrian ring and read their page about wear/care, active women and how to protect your rings. They have a whole range for people who never want to take off their rings 24/7/365. I think their designs are gorgeous. And congrats!
      https://crossjewelers.com/collection/engagement-rings/new-england-coastal-casual/

    • Marie

      Congratulations!!

      You have gotten plenty of responses, I’ll throw in my two cents: 1) I do not sleep with my rings on or wear them to yoga, but otherwise wear them when I leave the house. I have not been wearing them much during WFH, but I also get swollen fingers when it is hot and humid. DH was very worried about wearing his wedding ring all the time feeling weird, but he literally never takes it office (even to sleep and shower), and has gotten so used to it. It will be a personal preference. I remember when I was newly engaged staring at my ring sometimes and just beaming (I know, gag!). Enjoy the warm fuzzies and having something to celebrate! 2) I got married 8 years ago and used the knot for a lot of reviews and I think I also remember it generating a wedding to-do list/timeline.

    • Walnut

      1. I wear my ring when I get dressed and leave the house. It lives in a ring dish in my bathroom otherwise.

      2. Similar to the poster a few responses above, start building out a shared spreadsheet with your fiance. Start your guest list and collecting addresses. If you’re inviting kids, the numbers really start to add up and it’s useful to know for venue purposes if you’re ballpark 100 guests or 400 guests. Socialize it with your families to understand if there may be guest creep beyond who you’re expecting. Divvy up tasks with your finance and start compiling lists of venues, vendors, etc. Assign ownership of tasks and expectations on timeline. My husband handled his 50% of the planning and did a phenomenal job without my micromanaging.

      Congrats! Have fun! Enjoy the process and at the end of the day, you’ll be married and no one will remember 95% of the details.

    • Anon Probate Atty

      Congratulations!! I don’t take mine off, except when I’m cleaning it or when I’m making something like meatballs. I keep a ring holder in the kitchen for this purpose.
      I got married 20 years ago this Oct., so not going to be much help with the second question!
      I hope you have fun with the planning!

  19. Exercising in heat + humidity

    I used to be heat + humidity tolerant, and now if I so much as take a walk at noon, I feel like it just wears me out. And yet I see people young and old running in the midday sun and even playing tennis singles. I feel like maybe you can build up to this? Some of the people are even old (retirees?) and seemingly more fragile, so I am in awe and feel like I need to be better at this b/c decent exercise weather won’t be here for a while (and yet, I clearly am not dealing with even moderate activity right now).

    • anon

      I mean, everybody is different and there is zero shame in working out when the weather is slightly more tolerable. I can be in the water on a hot afternoon and it doesn’t bug me, but running during the heat of the day will wipe me out for at least a day or more.

    • anon

      It’s actually not good for you and there is no good reason to run in the highest heat and sun in middle of day. You can go early in the morning or evening when the sun is lower. There is no reason to overheat your body. Not sure where you live but I am in Northeast and we have long spring and fall seasons so there is plenty of outdoor time left.

    • Anon

      I have found that I really need to work up the heat and humidity throughout the year. Like years where I get injured in the spring and don’t workout outside, it is really hard to work up to summer temperatures. So, like try being outside in May when it’s 90 and not humid– then 90 and humid won’t be as bad.

    • anon

      Those people are superhuman. I’ve lived in the hot & humid southeastern US my whole life and I am basically melting for all of July and August. Seriously I sweat so much that it looks like I’ve been hit by a very localized rainstorm whenever I work out during daytime hours. Some of us just aren’t built for it!

    • Anon

      Just a thought about the elderly – they’re often cold, so the warmth might feel good to them.

      And I sweat buckets from my face (and only my face) if I step outside. I mean, it looks like I got hit with a sprinkler. It is what it is – we’re all wired differently :)

    • Anon

      I HAVE to wear a baseball cap these days if I’m going in the sun. Keeping it off my face is key to avoiding that exhausted feeling. I never used to wear one growing up, but now I really feel like I need it. I try to avoid exercising in the heat of the day anyway.

    • anon

      Also, gentle reminder that your body is surviving in this pandemic as much as your mind. So, it’s possible that the COVID related stress is impacting your body in ways that you wouldn’t expect. I would modify to fit what works now.

  20. Anon

    I’m just feeling so fried. I have vacation planned in late August (praying that it’s not covid canceled then – just going to my family’s shore house 90 mins away from where I live).

    I was worked to the bone from March – June and have settled back to normal life but I’m having trouble getting back into my routine. I’m moving next week and I’m starting a certificate program this week. I know that round two of chaos isn’t too far away which I’m also dreading. It’s been so nice to work normal hours (as opposed to the 85 hour weeks during covid), see family/friends, go outside, etc.

    I’m just exhausted and lost all motivation and need a kick in the pants for the next few weeks.

    I’ve been decent but could be better about being healthy (working out and eating well) and safely socializing and doing some hobbies. I know once I get in a habit of not doing these things, my motivation goes to h*ll in a hand basket.

    I, like everyone and their brother, am so over 2020.

    • Anonymous

      omg right there with you. My sister got a positive COVID test today, on her birthday. She was expecting to test positive and has been sick for the past week (and is finally feeling better) but like, really? test results couldn’t have come back any other day???

  21. Anonymous

    We’re first-time homebuyers in the process of getting preapproved and putting in an offer on a house (which appears perfect for us). This is coming 6-9 months before we’d planned, but in the midst of COVID, house hunting has been the only thing that has kept my fiance and I distracted from the parade of horribles (including postponing/cancelling our wedding). Realistically the mortgage is far below what we can afford on a monthly basis, but we’re going to be tapping out most of our current financial reserves in order to buy early. Are we insane?

    • Anonymous

      Are your jobs stable, even in this time? If yes, then I vote no, not insane. Be prepared though – even though interest rates are amazing right now, I suspect a market correction is coming with regard to housing prices in most of the country. It’s a sellers market right now most places, but don’t be surprised if you immediately lose home value at some point in the next year.

      • Senior Attorney

        This.

        If your jobs are stable and you plan to stay put, then you should be fine.

      • Anon

        The housing market or the stock market? The housing market seems pretty dependent on where they are. Don’t know what the stock market has to do with it, unless that’s where their savings is.

    • Anon

      Depends – by “financial reserves,” I assume you don’t mean your retirement accounts. Do you have a backup plan for what you would do if both of you lost your jobs (or had a medical emergency, or otherwise needed cash)? If one of you lost your job, could you afford the mortgage based on the other person’s salary alone? If yes to both of these questions, then I vote buy.

    • Cat

      If the house is in the burbs of a city people are fleeing due to wanting more space to distance themselves in, I’d worry about overpaying generally.

      • Anonymous

        This. I know people buying esp in the burbs of NYC and DC who legit cannot live life in the burbs. For the next year or so, sure. It’ll be nice to not have to deal with elevators and shared laundry, but I think 15% of the people I know WILL take to the lifestyle because it’s how they grew up and ultimately what they want though they didn’t want it this soon in their lives. But the other 85% are going to be miserable once the pandemic passes — they complain when they don’t have all the delivery options; they complain about and generally hate to drive; not one of them has done a test run of their commute into the cities for whenever their offices DO start wanting people to come back — I don’t think they understand at all what the 1.5 hour suburban train to subway/metro train to walking commute feels like. Because of this rush though, I’d worry about paying more in the suburbs now than what that house will be worth in say 1-2 years because right now people are in bidding wars to get any house and even if YOU did not engage in a bidding war, if they’ve been going on in your region, the price regionally is up because of that.

      • Anonymous

        depends. I would pay $10k out of pocket now in overpriced real estate. I would consider it this year’s vacation. If we are talking 200k that would be a different story.

    • anon

      My house needed a new refrigerator and some unexpected plumbing work that was nit cheap or optional within 3 months of closing. Do not buy a house going in to it cash poor, covid or no covid.

      • Another anon

        Ditto, I am going through unexpected repairs in the first month after closing right now.

    • Never too many shoes...

      6-9 months early seems totally reasonable OP.

      I really get where you are coming from – we kind of spontaneously decided to buy a new house during covid (moving next month) and it somewhat was spurred by being desperate for something to be excited about.

    • OP

      Thanks for all the responses – we can cover the mortgage on one salary, and we’re not touching our (pretty substantial) retirement savings in order to buy. Both of our jobs are secure (one in healthcare.) We’d always planned on moving to the suburbs (from DC to near-DC) and our suburb has walking-distance groceries, restaurants and activities, so I’m confident we can transition well. We put in an offer – so here we go!!

  22. Cleaners

    We’re going to be moving soon and I would really like to have a cleaner come through and do a good deep clean so we don’t end up moving a bunch of dusty furniture and dirty rugs. There is an alternative where I just spend a weekend doing this myself, but I’d rather pay to not have to do the labor honestly. We used to have a monthly cleaning service but stopped after March. Do you think this is worth the risk to have someone come in for a good 3-4 hours and do this? They are supposed to be masked/gloved, but we probably wouldn’t stay here while they cleaned (it’s a small 2 bed apartment) so I guess I can’t ensure they keep the things on the whole time.

    • anon

      A lot of people have had their regular cleaners back in the their homes for several weeks at this point. It’s probably fine.

      • Anonymous

        My cleaners have been back for several weeks now. We leave before they come and they are gone when we get home. I’m not super concerned about surface contamination or anything at this point.

        • Anon

          +1 we leave when they are here. I do a quick lysol wipe down of high touch surfaces when we get back but honestly not really concerned about surface contamination at this point but lysol because I use the opportunity to wipe down my phone

      • Anonymous

        No risk? Have you not read the articles on how long COVID lives on various surfaces?

    • Anonymous

      Even though many people may have their cleaners back, I don’t think that means risk is less than it was weeks ago–in fact, it’s higher in most places right now if you just look at numbers. That said, I think the biggest risk is face to face. If you’re not going to be there, then I wouldn’t worry. I’d probably open the windows afterward though.

      • Anon

        +1. Whether or not other people have brought their cleaners back means nothing about how risky the activity is or isn’t.

    • Anon

      Short answer: do it.

      Long answer for context: I’m 7 months pregnant, and we finally brought our cleaners back last week for the first time since March (we kept paying them the whole time, though). They wore masks and gloves and we provided all the cleaning supplies so that they didn’t have to bring anything with them that had been at someone else’s home. I wore a mask and kept all the windows open while they were here (and the AC running b/c I would have melted otherwise). My father is a very data-driven physician, and he advised these steps and was comfortable with us bringing them back (and was also the one who advised that we stop having them come back in March). NYC burbs, if it matters.

    • Cat

      It’s riskier to the cleaner (who will be in a variety of other people’s indoor environments for hours at a time) than it is to you.

      I would have no issue having a cleaner come, but to protect both of you, would leave the house while they are there, and keep the windows open.

    • Anonymous

      Just FYI, there was an article in the Washington Post a few weeks ago (July 3) that asked Fauci and other epidemiologists what they were doing with respect to various things (article is not behind a paywall). The asked about – Shaking hands, take out food, and having cleaners in their houses and a few other thigns. Fauci is having his house cleaner come.

      While everyone has their own risk tolerance, I found this article reassuring and since reading it, we have had our cleaners come back.

    • Anonymous

      Send your rugs out to be cleaned and then delivered to your new place right before you move in, if you can. Keep in mind stuff gets dirty when being moved–Id be annoyed to pay to get it all cleaned and then have it get dirty again while moving.

    • Airplane.

      Yes absolutely. But I am someone who has had my regular cleaner come back every other week (has come 3x now) so YMMV.

      I would trust anyone I’ve had regularly to follow the masked and gloved requirements. I think it’s bettwe for all parties that no one except cleaners are in the home while cleaning takes place (transmission from hard surfaces less risk than in person <6ft contact).

    • Cleaners

      Thank you for all the responses and allaying my paranoia. We’d be doing a very short move, and we have pets who have been shedding/getting cat litter EVERYWHERE without anyone deep cleaning for 3 months. So I think it’s worth doing a pretty good clean before moving. I will totally be getting the upholstery people in after we move though!

  23. Shiny Things

    A fun distracting thread for the day: any favorite online retailers for quality, but not expensive right hand rings?
    My wedding set is smaller art deco style, and I’m looking for a fun right hand ring that isn’t too massive preferably that has some gemstones.
    A few that I’ve found while browsing: Wolf and Badger, Valerie Madison, Mateo New York
    I know there was a thread here before about some site with a bunch of antique/vintage options, but I can’t recall the name.

    • CountC

      It probably depends on what you mean by not expensive, but I love Bario Neal and Kate Maller Jewelry.

      • BabyAssociate

        +1 to Bario Neal. I have a few stacking rings from them (as well as some tiny stud earrings) and I’m really pleased with them. Also take a look at Melanie Casey.

    • emeralds

      Not sure where you’re setting the bar for not expensive, but I like catbird and Melanie Casey.

    • OP

      I don’t have a set budget per se because price depends so much on what stones are included, but I would say something in the $1000 range. I’m not looking for a massive diamond or large infinity band. Fairly dainty, but still interesting.

      • Anon

        In your shoes I would be looking at vintage rings. I often browse them on eBay and Etsy. Sounds scary, but many of the sellers are just independent jewelry stores who list some of their items online as well. I got an awesome 1960s pearl and sapphire cocktail ring that is very Sputnik style this way, but I’ve also drooled over some very pretty Art Deco era rings.

        Key search terms: deco, platinum, sapphire (or ruby or emerald), estate, vintage

    • Panda Bear

      Market Square Jewelers! They have storefronts in MA, ME and NH, but all their rings are online. I have so much great jewelry from them.

  25. Anonymous

    I accepted another job and today is the unfortunate/awkward day where I have to tell everyone at my current job. I’ve already told the higher ups this morning, and now I need to tell my staff. This totally sucks. I’m getting a big pay raise and ultimately a better job, but it’s still so hard to tell people you care about that you’re leaving. Bah.

    • PNW

      Congrats on the new job! I hear you on the awkwardness, but it’s nice to know that you’ll be missed. It means you’ve done a good job.

    • anon

      At least your boss isn’t the one who told everyone else including HR before you could (yes really mine did that).

      They’ll understand that it’s time for a new chapter and they’ll be happy for you. Congrats!

  26. Cat

    For the Anon on Friday who was hoping her symptoms were a therefore-easily-treatable sinus infection – are the antibiotics helping? Hope you feel better!

    • FormerlyPhilly

      I was just going to ask this question! I hope the antibiotics are working…

      • Anon sinuses

        You all are so sweet! I’ll post tomorrow in case I missed you — yes, I am back to almost normal and back to work from home. I can’t describe the relief. Thank you :):)

  27. Anon

    Vent: our team at work has decided to hold a team lunch for more than a dozen people this week, even though everyone is still working from home, and gathering indoors with more than six people from different households is contrary to government regulations where we are. I assume no-one would be wearing masks, as they are not commonly worn here in restaurants and not required. I have politely declined, but everybody else appears to have accepted. I feel quite bad about missing out on a team event (first one since the pandemic started). Please tell me I am not crazy for refusing to attend!

    • Anonymous

      WTH?? No way I’d go. You’re doing the right thing. They’re holding this wear — at a restaurant? At the office? In any event, I don’t even want to be with people outdoors, let alone indoors in some conference room or restaurant w HVAC w no masks sharing food; people absolutely spit when they eat and talk, whether you can see it or not.

    • Cat

      yeah, indoor dining as a group is one of the riskier activities! I’d pass too. (Even if they all were going to wear masks… you can’t wear them while eating!)

    • anon

      Not crazy — you’re doing the responsible thing and following the government regulations. Socializing with colleagues ranks very low on my list of things that are worth the risk.

    • Quail

      Not crazy. In addition to it being bad from a public health perspective, what I don’t understand from the manager’s perspective is – what if all of those people get sick at the same time? Not worth it.

    • cookie

      FWIW, restaurants in my area are open for in-person dining, but they limit each table to 6 people (no large groups allowed). So your colleagues may not be able to do what they’re trying to do.

    • Airplane.

      I would do the same – was outdoor distance gathering with BYO or ordering individual boxed lunch from an establishment ever an option for this group? I might have suggested that in place of indoor gathering but still get the “in-person team event” that is being sought here. If you were in leadership position I’d say push back because some number of that dozen + likely felt pressure to do RSVP yes and did not feel empowered to push back. But if you’re not in that position then I’d just decline.

  28. anon

    I’ve realized that I have a very hard time pacing myself. Like I’ll go-go-go for several days straight, and then not feel very functional for a couple of days after that. Or, at the very least, I won’t accomplish much. I have been this way most of my adult life, both at work and home. Is there a way to … not be like this? Or do I just lean into whatever weird rhythm I’m in? The problem is that I mentally feel terrible on the days when I’m not doing/accomplishing much.

    • Senior Attorney

      Just lean into it. I accepted a long time ago that work better when I’m up against a deadline, and it’s way better to be a last-minute person who doesn’t hate myself for being a last minute-person than to be a last-minute person who is constantly beating myself up about it.

    • Veronica Mars

      We learned in school, “the best thing to give a writer is a deadline.” I’m no longer in that field but I still think about that from time to time and even try to set early deadlines.

  29. Jo March

    I have a very silly problem. I’m definitely someone who feels more confident and energetic when I’m well put together, but it feels like a waste to wear out my expensive or favorite clothes now when my life will be largely home-based for a while. Am I just being ridiculous? I can’t help be think what’s the point of wearing out my Everlane tee by wearing and washing continuously at home when a $6 Old Navy tee would suffice, or why bother with my expensive running leggings when I’m just going to be at my desk all day. In the before times, I would lounge around in sweats at home on the weekends and only get properly dressed if I was leaving the house (and would often change right back into sweats after returning home). However, I went somewhere often enough that I very rarely stayed in sweats all weekend long unless I wasn’t feeling well. I’m definitely overthinking this, but I don’t want to get back to normal and realize I need to drop a lot of money on replacing my favorite items because I wore them to death during a time when what I wore didn’t matter.

    • Senior Attorney

      I feel like at this point “back to normal” is only a distant fantasy. I am wearing my pretty clothes even if nobody sees me. (Also I don’t necessarily wash something every time I wear it to sit around the house for a day.)

      • Senior Attorney

        P.S. I know I’ve been going to work this whole time but the same principle applies — I sit in my office alone all day and our workplace has gone casual for the duration.

        • Jo March

          I guess you’re right SA. I might as well enjoy my pretty clothes – at least the ones that are comfortable. It feels a little indulgent when staying home, but why not indulge a bit.

    • Anonymous

      Omg just start wearing your nice clothes. If they get worn out congrats! They were worth buying.

    • anon

      instead of a helpful comment, let me introduce another variable for you to overthink – what about the venn diagram space of clothes that are both presentable AND comfortable?

      • Jo March

        You joke, but that is exactly the type of overthinker I have become in these times.

        • Senior Attorney

          That’s actually where I have landed in the past month or so. Pretty and comfortable.

          • Senior Attorney

            As a matter of fact, I think I’m permanently over uncomfortable clothes and shoes.

    • Anon

      I’m the same way. I still think buying/wearing nice athleisure is worth it because it is a lot more comfortable/useful to me than my cheaper stuff. It is also more flattering. (I am married and go for dog walks so people see me sometimes). But no– I am not wearing my nicer work clothes or clothes meant for going out to dinner, etc. Part of this is that those clothes tend to be higher maintenance so they aren’t really appropriate for being around pets, cooking, being outside, etc.

    • Anon

      I’m wearing the less dressy end of my work clothes wardrobe (for instance, the Eileen Fisher crepe pants and some washable work tops, but not the mm lafleur dresses) because why not? I feel better when I look better, and I don’t want to go out and buy a new wardrobe anyway.

      I had enough weekend clothes for the weekends but not 7 days a week for months on ends. This is the compromise that works for me.

      • Jo March

        My workplace is casual, so I don’t have much that is dry clean only anyway and most of my wardrobe can work throughout the week, just in different combinations to be work or weekend appropriate. The longer I think about this, the sillier I feel.

    • Anonymous

      Just wear the cute tees and fancy leggings. By the time we get back to normal life, they’ll be out of style, or they won’t fit, or the spandex will be sagging, and you’ll have to replace them anyway.

    • Airplane.

      My approach is this: wear your Everlane tee. You deserve it. You don’t have to wait for any external thing to happen (covid risk ending, back to the office, indoor dining resuming) to do it. You deserve to wear your Everlane tee today.

      I say this as someone who wore my silk sundress and red lip to sit outside my house on a concrete slab with a seltzer with bitters and a lemon. I just don’t care. Not a waste. I deserve it and it didn’t hurt anyone.

    • Allie

      I’d wear them. Don’t worry about being in the house. You’re not having a lazy day or something, you’re working and living out of the house. Take some pictures for your instastory if you want, but I’d wear them.

    • Struggle Bus

      This is me 100%. I gained weight though and recently I donated a lot of clothes I barely even wore because they don’t fit me and I don’t have space to store them when I’m not sure if I will ever even be that weight again. Anyway I’m using this as a teachable moment to consider just wearing my d@mn nice clothes. Still working on the mental hurdle of not feeling guilty for wearing out my nice clothes though. Maybe it’s will go away over time if I just do it though…

  30. Central AC Q

    My central AC is creating pretty meaningful humidity in my house. My HVAC guy is pretty passive about my questioning it and suggesting there’s a problem, and doesn’t think he needs to look at it (he also installed it not long ago). This AC cools a portion of the house. The other central AC system in the house doesn’t do this at all. I’ve also owned another home with a central system and never had this issue.

    I’m in Boston and it’s admittedly wicked hot and pretty humid these days. We don’t use the AC nearly as much as other parts of the country so I’m no pro at all. Is this normal or would you insist a repair visit for this?

    • anon for this

      Repair visit, absolutely. I went through this a few years ago and it turned out it was actually installed slightly incorrectly and was not drawing enough humidity out of the air. I bought a cheap humidistat so that I could point to the fact that humidity was consistently around 75% which puts things at risk of mold and mildew. It took three increasingly frustrating visits with our HVAC tech before the company brought out the regional distributor of the AC manufacturer who spotted the error in about 20 minutes, sigh.

      If it’s installed correctly, it’s also possible that the unit is too powerful for your space — if it cools things down quickly and then turns off when it hits the set temp, it won’t run long enough to actually adjust the humidity levels. Good luck.

    • Anon

      Get another person to look at it. ACs secondary use is dehumidifying. And if I’m reading clearly (your message was pretty confusing), one of your ACs isn’t working at all?
      Clearly your AC is messed up. To give you perspective, I am in Houston and my AC keeps internal humidity between 30% and 50% (which may seem high in some parts of the country but is pretty low for outside and fairly standard for indoors in this part of the country).

    • Florida Girl

      Yes, insist on a visit from him if its covered but be prepared to have someone else look at it. AC should make your house noticeably LESS humid.

      • OP

        Ha, well I still owe him a sizeable final payment so I’d consider it ‘covered’ ;) I left this out of the original post, but it’s a very new system. You all confirmed my suspicions. It’s a legit company that came highly recommended. I just think they’re super busy right now. Either way, they’ll be out later this week.

    • BabyAssociate

      Piggyback question: is there a way to decrease the dehumdifier function of a central AC system? My AC works just fine, but I hate using it because it dries the air out so much.

      • Pink

        I haven’t found one other than to purchase a humidifier. It seems ridiculous because the outside humidity is currently 53% (was 80% yesterday), but we keep our bedroom pretty cold (68) so we need the humidifier. Interested to hear if there’s a better solution.

    • Duchess

      Our current house has this issue and was not something I had ever experienced before. I had a repair guy over for an unrelated reason and I asked him about all the humidity (we’re sitting at 59% right now and in the winter, if I’m not running a humidifier, we’re at ~15%). He said that our HVAC system and is oversized for our house. It means that it cools down and heats up pretty fast, but it pushes out such high volumes of cold/hot air that we end up either saturating our air or totally drying it out. We have no other HVAC issues, so we’re not replacing it until we absolutely have to, but that’s the only solution we’ve been told.

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