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Catherine
Just started a new job and things have been reeeeeally slow to ramp up.
Suggestions on how to fill the time? I’m in an open office, and can’t wander too far from my desk.
Also, suggestions on how to meet people around the office? It feels weird to wander up to someone when they’re working at their desk. But, everyone’s always working at their desks…how do I make office friends?
I just switched from academia to indusyry research, which may explain why I’m so baffled by this office environment ;)
lawsuited
If there isn’t some natural gathering place in the office to chat with co-workers (in my experience, this is usually the office kitchen) then just pick someone and ask them if they want to grab lunch with you. Stopping by someone’s desk to say “hey, I didn’t pack a lunch today, do you want to grab lunch with me at 12:30?” is different from stopping by to chat about their pets or Minecraft obsessions or whatever. BUT, if someone does have a picture of their dog or a Minecraft poster in their workspace, then it’s also okay to ask them about it to start a conversation during a quieter work time.
Rob Schneider
Hang out by the copier and make comments about everyone who makes copies.
DC Botox Recs?
Hi – Anyone have any recommendations for where to go for Botox in DC? I’m becoming more and more interested in it. Thank you!
Wildkitten
I haven’t done it yet but I hear good things about Todd Perkins at Metroderm. I’ve gone to him for adult acne and plan to go back for botox.
Mer
Agnes Chang at Integrated Dermatology of K street – really like her and she’s never pushy.
puppies
DH and I are going to get a dog soon, and we’re wondering how families with two working spouses are able to care for a puppy (or if they are). I grew up with dogs, but I’ve never raised a puppy myself. I’m out for about 8-9 hours a day, but can come home over lunch when necessary. My parents will also be in town for about a month over the holidays. Is adopting a puppy/very young dog feasible, or do we need to restrict our search adult dogs?
CountC
I am sure it can be done, but I will always encourage the adoption of house-trained dogs. A friend and her live-in boyfriend got a puppy and she has been at her wit’s end with it, to the point where she really, really resents the dog even though she knows his puppiness is not his fault. He is getting sent to doggy day care now and on the days he is not going to doggy day care, they pay someone to come walk him. She feels bad that there are some days due to everyone’s schedules that he is in his crate more than 8 hours a day. It doesn’t sound like you have kids, but I would suggest strongly thinking about adopting an adult dog even if you could make a puppy work. You will still be able to form a bond with the adult dog!
CountC
I mentioned kids because I think it would be easier to do the puppy thing without kids in the mix.
puppies
Yeah, we don’t have kids and don’t plan to have any. The pups that we’ve come across thus far are between 4 months and a year, so I expect that to be a little easier than an 8 week old. How old are they before they stop chewing through things?
Wildkitten
My 5 year old still chews on stuff, but she is much calmer than she was in the first year. Each year is a big step down – 1, 2, 3. Three is a great age.
Anonymous
We adopted a 2 year old dog when I was a kid. She chewed on things a couple times when she was distraught (during thunderstorms, etc) but it wasn’t a regular thing. And then as an adult I got a 4 year old dog who has never chewed anything. Some dogs have more chewing tendency than other dogs but in generally it stops occurring regularly around 2/3 years.
Anon
We had an 8 year old dog that chewed stuff. I would suggest going through a rescue if you haven’t considered it and the chewing is a big issue for you. If the dog is in a foster home, the foster parents should be able to tell you if it has a tendency to chew.
puppies
I don’t mind the chewing too much. My younger dog went through an intense chewing phase where he chewed up one of the bathroom cabinets and a hole in the wall despite the many chew toys we bought for him. Just trying to get a sense of how long we might have that kind of issue.
Anonymous
My puppy went through a chewing phase from about 10 weeks until 4 months–he liked the corners of drywall and metal. It got better after he was neutered (not sure if that was related, but it was around the same time) and when I discovered elk antlers. He is mostly poodle so pretty smart and was able to figure out what he was supposed to chew on, he just needed *something* to chew while he was teething. Once I gave him something that worked, I didn’t have issues any more.
As far as the general puppy experience, it was exhausting. I don’t think I slept through the night for 2 months. I felt like I lost 5 pounds the first week chasing him around and because I never had a moment to make food where I didn’t need to be watching him. I felt guilty showering. He was literally an ankle biter and I had to wear knee high thick socks in a Southern summer. Everything gave him the zoomies. He hated his crate and knew to run around like a banshee when I was getting ready to leave and was trying to coax him in. But, around 6 months, he just calmed down. He’s still high energy w/r/t to wanting to play fetch and go on walks, but I can trust him out with full access to the entire house all day long, he hasn’t had an accident other than when sick and he couldn’t control it, and I don’t really have to worry about dog-proofing anything (ie. I can leave food out, socks…underwear is his only vice, grossly). And he is just the best thing in my world and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It was all so incredibly worth it to see him grow from a 4 pound scared little furball into the adult cuddlebug that he is now, with so much personality. I did it while working full time as a junior associate with no partner to help (though my mom did come down for a week about a month after I got him), so there was a lot of walkers and trips home in the beginning and day care now. If those are things you are able to swing financially and with your work schedule and the puppy-to-adult development sounds like what you want, it’s the greatest.
Anonymous
I’ve been there not as a couple but as a single person with a puppy, and it’s feasible and so rewarding. It’s just hard. For instance, I was lucky enough to be able to go home every day over lunch to let out the puppy and feed him lunch, and I had neighbors who would let the puppy out during the morning and during the afternoon. I also have family in the area that could puppysit/let the dog out over lunch if I couldn’t make it. The problem is that the general rule is that a puppy shouldn’t be crated for more than their months plus one. So, if you are getting an 8 week old puppy, no more than 3 hours at a time (basically, not gonna make it until lunch). If you or your neighbors can’t make that work, you will probably have to hire a dog walker to take care of the pup during the work day. You can do a penned in area with potty pads for longer stretches, but be aware this can/will set back your housetraining efforts depending on your particular puppy. Further, the stuff that the puppy needs to do for the first few months is time consuming. Vet appointments, shots, training, etc. That stuff will happen weekly to every other week for a while (and my vet only is open exactly during my working hours). Another option is daycare – my pup goes twice a week and they reinforce the training that I do at home (we also do obedience classes there). It helps keep the puppy from regressing. I’m going to be honest – it’s more work than I thought it was going to be. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Wildkitten
You’d need to pay for people to take the puppy out several times during the day. As someone who adopted a puppy and now has an adult dog, I highly recommend you adopt an adult dog. They’re so much better.
Anonymous
You should restrict your search to adult dogs. Puppies are really hard to train and its next to impossible with two spouses working outside the home. And everybody wants them so you’re not really “saving a life” the way you are with an adult dog.
mascot
Two working adults can raise a dog. We adopted both our dogs as “young adults” from a breed specific rescue. I estimate they were somewhere between 9-12 months old when we got them. One was fully housebroken, the other needed some crate-training and general work until she got full privileges. Both were fully grown which meant they had fully grown bladders. We did obedience training and dog daycare which helped with behavior and energy levels.
Dog maturity varies with breed and you should do some research on what breed fits your lifestyle. For example, labs have a chewing phase that can last longer than what you see in a toy breed.
Wildkitten
And if you adopt from a rescue talk to them about the dogs. Our humane society matched us with the exact perfect cat for us once we described our household. They know what they’re doing.
anon a mouse
You can do it, but you should look at a puppy at least 3-4 months old (so the dog can make it to lunch without an accident). I would definitely plan on a dog walker once or twice a day for the early months – especially now, when it gets dark so early, it will be a real benefit for the dog to be out in sunlight. Also consider how flexible your and your husband’s hours are — if one of you can work from home even one day a week, you might see much quicker gains in obedience and behavior.
Basically, you will need to treat the puppy like a second job for several months, but they are so, so worth it!
Pups
I would highly recommend an adult dog. You can go through a rescue organization that fosters the dogs so they’re already trained if you want that. We’ve adopted both a puppy and adult dogs, and the puppy was really really time consuming with mundane stuff (going to potty, cleaning messes, making sure nothing is in reach to be chewed), whereas young adult dogs are more fun in my opinion. Fewer accidents and annoying behaviors and more training, running, hiking, etc. Like the poster above mentioned, I started to really resent the puppy after a certain time because she felt very time consuming with little reward. We’re great friends now, but I’ve had just as much of a bond with the adult dogs we’ve adopted. And if you go through a rescue group, you can pick the dog that has just the right temperament for you.
You can certainly make a puppy work, especially with day care and dog walkers, but that gets really expensive.
lslsls
My live-in boyfriend and I are getting a puppy over the summer so we are in the same boat. However, he is taking about 3 months off of work before starting his MBA, so he will be a SAH doggy daddy as he likes to put it while enjoying that time off.
Snickety
Do you have access to a doggy day care? My friends adopted a high-energy young dog, about 1 year old, who goes to doggy day care every day so he doesn’t chew up their house. Their dog seems to love it hanging out with his dog buddies all day and comes home happy and tired. Not sure if these places take puppies.
Bonnie
We both work long hours and managed with an older puppy (8 months and not house trained). The first couple days were rough but we got her trained in 1-2 weeks. Crate training was a huge failure for us but it worked out ok. For the first few nights, puppy was always on a leash and never left our side so whenever she needed to go to the bathroom, we took her outside. I ended up sleeping on the couch with the leash wrapped around my wrist the first few nights since puppy went every couple hours. We also hung bells on the door and taught her to ring them whenever she needed to go outside. In the first few weeks, we staggered our hours and tried to limit the time that we were both out of the home. Since crate training did not work, we initially kept her in the kitchen witha puppy pad and expanded her area as she got potty trained and focused her chewing on toys and not our things. She had a few accidents but it was manageable. Now that she’s 2, she sleeps longer and is fine with our longer days. We do still take her on a walk or to the dog park in the morning and in the evening and take her to doggy daycare once a week so she can play with other dogs. Especially since you can come home at lunch, I think a puppy is feasible.
another anon
My husband and I brought home a 10-week old puppy. We both work. My husband works 10-12 hour days, and I work 9 to 10 hour days. We make it work. And it’s so worth it. We take him on long walks before and after work and, during the day, the dog walker comes twice. We also send him to doggie day care once every few weeks to switch it up. He’s over a year now and has been a wonderful addition to our family. It’s definitely a ton of work, but for us, it’s been very rewarding.
Rachel
There’s lots of good advice here but my two cents is you can do it if you plan. I brought home my pup when he was eight weeks old and I did it as a single gal in her 20s.
I was lucky because he was a great puppy, but you just have to be patient with the accidents. I came home at lunch, had my friend come to my apartment and later hired a dog walker (was pretty affordable in DC area). I also made sure to give him lots of interaction…took him to puppy kindergarten lol! The chewing phase sucked, but you have to remember for most dogs it’s temporary. He’s now an awesome, five year old dog- it was one hundred percent worth the effort!
Rose
Found out last week, that along with our self evaluation, our Director wants us to put together justification for promotion or a list of things we think we need to be promoted.
Any advice on this? Obviously, I’m going for promotion, but I’m unsure of format, what to include specifically, do I touch on salary at ALL?
Anonymous
Your organization might have some type of formal definition for the different job levels . You could list out all the criteria for the next level that you want to be promoted to and explain how you are already meeting/exceeding those requirements, as a justification for your promotion.
NYNY
Do you do work that adds measurable value to your organization, either by bringing in revenue or saving costs? If so, spell out your results. How much net revenue did you bring in? Does it have a tail over multiple years?
If what you do is less financially driven, highlight your leadership. Have you led any projects? Are you training team members to do something more efficiently? Did you create a new process or improve an existing one to save time and/or improve results?
I wouldn’t talk salary in the argument for promotion, but when you talk with your director, it should be a topic.
Snickety
+1. I suggest you focus on your accomplishments and skills showing that you have mastered your current job and are ready to move into a position of greater responsibility. This isn’t the time to make a salary demand.
Rose
Thank you!
Rant
I am a fairly new employee (just here 7 months) but was quickly recognized as a high performer by both my manager and the CEO.
My manager just left for maternity leave and the CEO appointed me interim VP of my department, overseeing 4 other people who are older and more experienced than me. They all do good work, but they lack professional polish–their clothes are very eccentric, they constantly are making loud jokes that border on inappropriate, etc…in short, not people you would put in front of clients, which is why I was appointed.
I have tried to curb this behavior by having private conversations with the offending employees about behavior and perception, etc, but it just keeps getting worse–they roll in 45 minutes late, take long lunches, act like grade schoolers in the hallway, and they laugh at my face when I try to curb the behavior directly and succinctly.
I really dont want to run to the CEO like I can’t handle it (even though I apparently cant)–any suggestions on being recognized for authority when you are younger than everyone else?
Anonymous
Do these people NEED to be put in front of clients?
Anonymous
Why does it matter if their clothing is eccentric, if they’re not client-facing? You’ve pointed out their unprofessional behavior, so I think now you eliminate them from any client-facing positions if there are any and start giving some work to other employees who can work with clients better. Perhaps you could suggest hiring a new employee if there are no others. You don’t police their behavior, and if they are getting the work done, aren’t affecting any client relations, and are reporting their hours accurately, it sounds like you are in good shape and should do nothing other than note it on their performance review and direct work to people who you think are more professional. You’re not their mom, don’t think you have to fall into that trap of trying to discipline them into acting the way you want them to act. If you think they are lying on their timesheets and continue to do it after you’ve talked to them, discuss it with HR and the CEO.
Diana Barry
Q re whether they are actually client facing or not? It is unclear from OP.
OP, if you actually have authority to manage them/warn them officially/fire them if they are not fulfilling the requirements of their job, then you need to exercise that authority and give them official warnings/escalate if it doesn’t improve. If it is nothing except an informal policy that they should present themselves with more polish, then you will have a harder time.
Also would be a good question for Ask a Manager.
Anon
following – wish I had something helpful to add – interested to see what others will say
a few ideas
You are identifying several different types of behavior. I’d pick your battles. Let the juvenile hall antics go (unless clients are in the halls). Maybe participate some times, even, just to redirect their image of you. Consider letting the eccentric clothing go (depends how eccentric, but don’t sweat the marginal things). Don’t gripe about the length of lunch if they do good work. But pick a few things that just cannot be tolerated – inappropriate jokes perhaps, or arriving late if the fact that they are late matters to the work that needs to be done. Talk to each privately and think about fronting the awkwardness of you coming into this role as an interim and say that you know they probably think you are a little rigid. We’re all learning here, you can say, but I do think we need to talk about a couple of things and I wonder if you can help me out by working to change them. What can I do better, you then ask. Then actually listen and try to change some things. We so often think that respect is about people following our orders, but it’s far more complex. If after that, they still laugh in your face, you have a serious problem and you have to go to your boss. Best of luck – none of this is easy.
Rant
I would ignore it, except other departments have made comments to me (and other seniors leaders) about how my department acts like it’s recess and dresses like they’re homeless (business formal work environment).
They did pull it together a bit while my boss was here–they were always oddballs, but it was within reason.
Scarlett
Unless the CEO said “Rant, while your boss is on leave, your mission is to get that motley crew to charm school and Ann Taylor,” I think you’re focusing on the wrong things here. You’ll earn a lot more respect by focusing on the work to be done and offering helpful advice there.
Anon
Thank you for making me laugh! I love this – get that motely crew to charm school and Ann Taylor!
Scarlett
Ha! I amuse myself far too often, glad it made you laugh too :-)
LAnon
When you say, “which is why I was appointed”, do you mean you were appointed so you could be the sole client-facing person, or you were appointed so you could Pygmalion them into being customer facing?
If the former, then none of this matters and you are probably fighting a losing battle, and probably losing goodwill by sitting them down for a chat about behavior and perception. I’m trying to imagine how I would feel if my company hired someone less experienced than me, then promoted her to an interim position over me, and she sat me down for a chat about my attire. Especially if I were a long time employee of the company, my main thought would be, “This has been fine up until now; why should I change anything for this new person in a temporary position?”
If it is the latter, and you have been explicitly instructed to make them more customer facing, then you may need to frame it in the light of, “The responsibilities and structure of this team are changing; everyone is now going to be customer facing and we’re going to talk about what our policies will be for those interactions,” and make it clear that this direction is coming from the CEO. You could consider asking the CEO to come in at a team meeting and briefly share why they are now expected to behave differently than they have previously, and how this will benefit the company.
I have a guy on my team who has some unique skills and is a very hard / efficient worker. He can also be cranky and curmudgeonly, and I would never ask him to interact with customers, nor does he want to. If I was out on maternity leave and discovered that the person filling in for me decided that she/he should hound him about having a better attitude so that he could be customer-facing, I would be very alarmed. In an interim role, your job is to basically keep things moving as they did previously. If it becomes your permanent role, then you can consider going through the process of coaching these folks and then likely having to replace them when they don’t change.
Rant
Sorry I wasn’t clear–I was appointed because I’m the only person the CEO felt comfortable putting in a client-facing position–my coworkers’ lack of professionalism was noted as a reason.
It just feels like my coworkers are resentful–which I get–without realizing their own actions/how they present themselves was a key reason.
TBK
Wait, wow, were you tasked with improving their behavior when (1) you’ve only been there 7 months; (2) you’re younger than they are; (3) you’re only in the role for…three months? six months? (how long is the VP’s leave going to be)? Or is that not what’s happened? If you’re just there as a sort of caretaker while the VP is on leave, then I would focus on just keeping the show running until she’s back. If the employees do good work, keep the good work coming. If you’re actually meant to make changes, then you’re going to need the CEO’s full, explicit, unequivocal support. It needs to be absolutely clear that the directive to make changes is coming from the top and you’re just there to implement. That wouldn’t be the case if you were permanent, or if you’d been there awhile and had some credibility with your reports, or if you were very senior and had years of experience in this kind of role. But none of that is true. So if you try to change things — especially if what you’re changing is culture and not just process — your colleagues will not like you, not respect you, and not implement your changes. I’m sorry; it’s just a recipe for failure. So either just keep the trains running until the VP is back, get the CEO’s full EXPLICIT support for the changes (as in the CEO actually says the words either in person or via a memo “these are the changes we’re doing and OP is going to implement them, with my full support”), or prepare for failure. (If you think that’s harsh, I’ve seen this happen in real life. It’s not pretty.)
Meg Murry
Yes, I agree 100% with this, if nothing has really changed since your manager was there, other than maybe loosening of rules a half notch.
If they are acting like elementary school kids with a sub trying to see what kind of boundaries they can push and it’s gone way off the rails (the would have worn suits or at least business end of business casual and showed up by 8 am when the manager was there, and now they are wearing jeans and rolling in at almost 9 daily) then you need to figure out how to get the CEO’s backing to make the changes. But if it’s just an occasional thing like longer lunches (that maybe they took when the manager was there, but you didn’t notice as much because it wasn’t your day to day job to keep track of them) and they are getting work done and showing up to meetings, then I say just focus on keeping things steady and holding down the fort as far as work getting done and out the door to the customers.
I do think it’s appropriate to say something to them if they are acting wild in the hallways in an area where the customers will see them – but even then its more of a “hey, lets cool the antics when Customer X is here tomorrow” not a lecture on professionalism overall.
Rant
So a lot of it is I got hostility from them for being younger and being the one chosen to appear in front of clients–but that reason is I show up on time, in a suit, and am prepared and polished, while the one time one of them was asked to appear, she showed up in cat-shaped shoes, an ugly Christmas sweater, was 15 minutes late, and forgot her PowerPoint slide.
I’m all for showing personality in clothes, but when it comes to a conservative client, a certain amount of polish is needed.
ArenKay
Your situation sounds unfun, but I would love to see the cat-shaped shoes.
Rant
No, I appreciate this. It wasnt that I was tasked with change, it’s just that since my manager went on leave, they’ve taken advantage of her missing and have started slacking, i.e.e showing up late, ditching conservative dress for crazy clothes, etc. Then they’re annoyed when the CEO asks me to present rather than them.
Blonde Lawyer
Since you are only in this role temporarily and not looking for permanent authority maybe you can take the “hey, don’t shoot the messenger” approach, but only if you really are supposed to be changing their behavior. I’ve been in your situation (sort of) once.
Before I became a lawyer, I worked in a jail. While I was on light duty for an injury we had an accreditation coming up. Since I couldn’t do line work, I was appointed to get everyone’s unit in compliance for accreditation. I was one of a few women in the building, in my very early 20’s and had worked there less than 3 years. Oh, and this was after the facility made sweeping policy changes that the older staff hated.
Rather than walking around high on my new power I just treated myself as a messenger. I’d go to a unit and say “so, we have this accreditation coming up. Superintendent has asked everyone to get in full compliance. Since I’m on light duty, he has me doing these things for him.” Then I would commiserate with the line staff a bit. “Isn’t it ridiculous that the regulators care if there are foot scuffs on the walls? Has nothing to do with safety or security.” Then I’d say something like, well, regardless, it’s important to superintendent that we pass, so please have those scuffs scrubbed off by tomorrow. Then I can tell him your unit is in full compliance.”
If they pushed back I’d say, I can’t just tell him you are in compliance if you aren’t because I will get in trouble when we fail accreditation. So, you can make the change and I can report compliance or you can refuse to make the change and I will report non-compliance. Your choice.
So in your shoes, you could say “I’m covering for VP while she is out. CEO has asked that we all up our client facing impressions and has tasked me to make sure you all follow suit. Here are things that I things he’d like changed . . .”
But, if these are just your own dictates and not coming from above my suggestions won’t work.
Just Old Me
Any bag – or process suggestions – for carrying too much stuff to get through the day? I work in a fairly remote location, so have to bring breakfast/lunch items with me daily. I work out several times a week so need gym clothes, towel and shower supplies, etc. New offsite work responsibilities mean I often need a laptop and notebook/file on my person when going back and forth.
My current bag is so giant that I feel like I’m lugging a toddler over my shoulder. I take transit so can’t leave stuff in the car, and wheeled bags are out due to all the subway stairs. I’m at the end of my rope heaving all this stuff around, any suggestions on how to lighten or manage the load?
Wildkitten
I bring as much as I can on Monday. Can you bring a cross body duffel on Monday to break up the weight of your purse? Do you need to bring your own towel?
Anon
Your best bet is to combine bringing as much as possible once a week (e.g. breakfast bars and frozen lunches for the week brought in on Monday) with minimizing the size for your daily stuff. Could you do a microfibre compact towel (REI has them) plus travel size shower supplies? Leave sneakers at the office and work out in leggings + tanktop with built in bra so you don’t have sports bra + t-shirt etc.
Meg March
Can you rent a locker at your gym and keep most stuff there?
Robbie
Travel size shower stuff that’s refillable. A locker? Shammy instead of a towel if it’s for showering only. I went to a gym once where they washed your clothes but my skin is too sensitive and they must’ve used like pretty abrasive stuff.
Disposable or recycled food containers to pitch throughout the day? Like eat a yogurt with a lid at home and then put something else in it the next day and pitch it when you are done.
lighter laptop?
Paris
Has anyone else been glued to the news about Paris?
Anonymous
No. It’s tragic and my heart aches for the country and everyone who had loved ones killed or injured but I don’t see what good watching/reading gory news does.
CountC
Same.
An
I have. My home town has experienced exactly this kind of terror twice now, once when I was a teenager (multiple, synchronised bombs in key city locations/ landmarks, killing hundreds) and 7 years ago. I cannot tell you how personal it feels, even when you and your loved ones are all lucky to be safe.
D
Mumbai? I remember that was 7 years ago this month :(
An
Yes. And 1993.
Lyssa
In preparation for Christmas, I’m looking to try to narrow my ever-growing list a little bit by doing more couple gifts for married family members. Any suggestions that are nice and don’t seem too impersonal? I hate to give consumables to family because they seem impersonal, and I’m having trouble thinking of decent “experience” type gifts that would work for the area(s) (some of which I’m not too familiar with) and would fit my budget. I’m looking to spend in the neighborhood of $60 per couple, and there are a range of ages (newlyweds in their early 20’s, 30-ish parents, 40-ish parents, mid-aged empty-nesters). Suggestions?
Anonymous
Are they Christmas people? $60 buys a beautiful heirloom ornament tied into their interests.
mascot
Annual memberships to museums, state parks, the zoo? Or just make them family gifts -we’ve done movie night packages with dvds/netflix, popcorn, etc or you could do board games. How about something for the parents to do with the kids -bird feeder, seed and bird book. Or cookbook with ingredients for recipes? I’d welcome consumables because we just don’t need anything else.
lawsuited
DH’s wonderful and practical aunt buys us a Costco membership each year which we love!
Anonymous
You could do a nice bar set from Williams Sonoma or some other cookware. This is random, but one of the gadgets we have most loved is one of those lemon squeezer thing. You could do that and a shaker, etc.
DisenchantedinDC
I’ve gotten a lemon squeezer and a microplane zester as gifts. They are often used and appreciated. Zester I have had for 5+ years!
lsw
Will you be giving it in person? (my suggestion wouldn’t travel that well) We had fun making our own wine and cheese flights for family last year – everyone got a bottle of French, Spanish and Italian wine and a cheese from each country to pair. We filled the basket with some crackers and things like that. We weren’t going super pricey on wine – we stayed within a $75 budget, I think – maybe you could do a scaled down version?
lawsuited
DH and I get a lot of couple gifts at Christmas, and our favourites are consumables that we can enjoy together or a cinema/restaurant giftcard that we can use for a date night. Couple gifts, while certainly appreciated, are at their core less personal because you are rolling two people into one gift so you need to generalize a bit. Less successful couple gifts that we’ve received are books, homewares, and giftcards to specific stores because those items end up veering more towards my taste or DH’s and ends up only being a gift for one of us.
New Anon
If anyone’s recently moved to a new area (or maybe even if they haven’t), I’ve had success buying people a tour of their new city. Bike, segway, walking–whatever fits their inclinations–and you might also be able to do a theme (food tours, ghost tours, etc) if they’re interested in a particular thing.
Senior Attorney
That would be fun even if they aren’t new to their city. I did a food tour in my own city a while back and it was fantastic.
ANP
I found out this weekend that my husband and I will likely be taking our three kids (age 6, 3, and 6 months at the time of travel) to London in mid-January. DH will be there for work and the plan right now is for me to fly solo with the munchkins to meet him at the conclusion of his business trip. We’ll stay for ~5 days and will also meet up with another family member whom I rarely get to see b/c they live in Asia (we’re US-based). Reconnecting with this family member is basically the only reason I’d really entertain the idea of taking our children vs. a solo trip w/my husband.
We cannot go for any longer than 5/6 days due to my work schedule, but the flight is only 7-8 hours so I feel as though it’s worth it. That said, I’ve traveled a ton but never to a major metropolis like this with kids! We’ve done Chicago, Boston, etc. with children but never all three and not for 5-6 days at a time. I’m interested in tips, tricks, places to see/stay that are kid-friendly — anything you’ve got. Right now I’m thinking of taking a single stroller (big kids can trade off) plus a hands-free baby carrier, but I could be talked out of this plan by those more experienced than Yours Truly. I studied abroad in London 15 years ago and loved it, but never imagined returning with a brood this size. Any and all advice is welcome!
Woods-comma-Elle
Oooh this is very exciting!
I haven’t got kids so notwithstanding being a Londoner, I have less to offer on the suggestions of places to visit etc, but what I will say is I would try to get buses more than the underground. A lot of the underground stations only have escalators and many have stairs in addition to or in place of escalators so navigating it with multiple children plus pushchair is likely to be stressful, particularly around rush hour.
Buses, on the other hand, go everywhere, are much more manageable and flexible and will be quieter during the day as well. I would download and app like CityMapper or similar and use that to manage the process (WiFi is plentiful).
ITDS
I second this. We were in London as tourists last fall, and didn’t plan to take buses. We wound up taking them a lot because they were easy to navigate, frequent and used the Oyster card.
Anonymous
I’m not going to talk you out of it! If you have the energy I think it sounds like fun. The baby will be portable, 3 year old can ride in the lightest stroller you can find, and the 6 year old will be surprisingly helpful. We took our two when they were 6 and 10 and the 6 year old carried his own luggage – a small rolling suitcase and tiny backpack, and loved every second of the tube and the buses. You probably won’t do tons with them every day by the time you factor in naps, etc., but there are lots of fun things to do that are great with kids in tow even so – the London Eye, boat tour on the Thames, Tower of London, Transportation Museum, Natural History Museum – all loved by my 6 year old. Even just people watching in Piccadilly Circus and running in the parks was so much fun for them. We found it to be a very kid friendly city. Before you know it the 6 year old will be a teenager and maybe not so keen for adventurous trips, so do it while you can!
anon
I’d say practice with the baby carrier. We did this with my 4 month old, and she was just too heavy for me to carry all day (she didn’t like being carried by DH). She was big for her age (just shy of 20 lbs), FWIW. Agree on the lightest stroller you can find – when we went to NY, it was just as easy for one of us to carry the stroller down the stairs.
Greensleeves
I have never traveled in London, with or without kids, so those with experience may overrule this suggestion. However, the best thing I think we did when traveling with both an infant and a toddler was to get a sit and stand stroller. It was expensive, but worth every penny to have both little ones confined in one place where the toddler could get a break from walking but didn’t require hand holding or extra supervision. We even occasionally ended up with the baby carrried or in a carrier while the 3 year old sat in the seat and the 5 year old stood at the back. I thought it folded pretty well and wasn’t enormous, but others with experience in London may disagree on how workable it will be there!
Care
I would check out the blog titled “Aspiring Kennedy” – Google it for the website. It is a blog by a woman from Texas who lives in London with her two small children. Her family seems to have mastered traveling and I think the blog includes some good tips. There is a whole section with travel guides. If you click into her FAQ (the general one – I can’t get the travel FAQ to work this morning), she has a link to her blog posts about traveling with kids. She also does travel consults, but I can’t get that link to work this morning, so I’d suggest emailing her if you’re interested.
MJ
I would search for some American expat blogs in London to get kid-friendly suggestions.
I recommend the Tate Modern (kids love the space and sculpture), the Tower of London, riding trains (anywhere, but, for instance, Hampton Court Palace is ~30 mins from city center), running around Hampstead Heath, the Peter Pan ship (technically the Diana Memorial playground) in Kensington Gardens.
I would also check out TimeOut London. They certainly have a kids section on the website and will have some more specific suggestions than these. Have a great time!
LondonLeisureYear
I live in London. I babysit regularly two families with 3 kids. And I have hosted my cousins for 3 weeks who were 1 and 3 years old at the time. My advice:
1) Plan one thing a day you want to do. Too much more and its not worth it.
2) Plan on busing and not taking the tube. The tube is hard with strollers, often there are steps and its really busy with small kids. Citymapper app is a life saver. Kids ride for free on public transport so there is that advantage.
3) If you take taxi’s you need to be comfortable that there won’t always be carseats for kids. So again plan on busing. Most of my friends use the black cabs or uber when they are with 3 kids but you have to be okay with no car seats. Black cabs will let you just wheel the whole stroller in and let the kid stay in the stroller the whole time unlike ubers.
4) Give your kiddos melatonin. Its a miracle to helping get the sleep schedules to where they need to be. Its not legal to sell it in the UK so bring it with you. That first morning as impossible as it is wake them up and it will really help getting them on schedule. Practice using your travel cot in the USA so they get used to it at night in the UK.
5) Bring the smallest stroller you have. Typical USA size ones don’t fit great on buses. Plan on carrying your 6 month old in an ergo and pushing your 3 year old. If you have a scooter that your 6 year old is good on – bring it! The kids all use them because there is a lot of walking.
6) Bring with you snacks you that are your kiddos favorite because they don’t sell a lot of the same products (and cherrios for example have 3 times the sugar). This really helps if meal times get delayed etc – its nice for them to have something familiar.
6) Feel free to email me sadie . struss at gmail . com (take out spaces) for more advice. I have itineraries about what I would do with small children etc.
Letters of Recommendation
I’m applying to grad school soon (MBA) and need 2 letters of recommendation. One is coming from my current boss. For the second, I’m debating if I should reach out to my old boss of 3 years (same company, different dept.) or if I should ask a VP on my current team that I have worked closely with this past 7 months. What does the hive think? I had a good relationship with my prior boss and he even vouched for me for my current role but we haven’t spoken since I left the team (1 year ago).
BA in BS
Either of those sound fine. If the VP can speak to your work product or work effort, go for it. As for the former boss, I don’t think one year off is a big deal – I had a former teacher write one of mine and got in.
Anonymous
I would ask the one who has an MBA. It’s subtle, but people with an MBA will be better able to highlight qualities an MBA admissions department will look for.
MJ
Really cosign this. You will want to have each of them convey a part of your MBA brand that you cannot convey elsewhere–leadership, project management, etc. Use the recs to “fill holes” and highlight things that you cannot highlight yourself on your resume or through essays. Highly recommend Poets & Quants for guidance on this. Good luck!
Anon
Hi all – I’m a first time online dater and met a guy I really liked. We went on a couple of dates and I’m not sure what the protocol is here. When did you start discussing if you’re seeing other people/not? Or in general, if you could share you experience that would be appreciated! I’m seeing another guy too but I’m not crazy about him, but have been told “not to put all my eggs in one basket” so to speak. Thanks!
jumpingjack
After just a couple of dates is a little early. My boyfriend and I (who met online) had that conversation at about the two/three month mark. We’d both already stopped dating other people after about a month.
TO Lawyer
Even when I wasn’t dating someone else, I wasn’t really willing to give up that option until I was sure about the guy (in two years of online dating, this happened once). With my current SO, it came up after about 2 months which is probably a long time but we were only seeing each other once a week.
You don’t have to date multiple people but I would caution against getting too invested in one guy too soon, especially after a couple dates. If I were in your shoes, I would keep things vague until I was more sure – probably at least 5-6 dates in.
Anon
Yes – thank you both! I thought so too but my crazy friends had the talk with their bfs they met online 3 dates. Just needed a gut check!
Scarlett
Online dating really isn’t any different from “real life” dating – it just changes your opportunity to meet people. Some people you’ll click with instantly & you might have that discussion right away if you’re both on the same page. Other times you won’t. I don’t think the online part changes the equation from a “how does this work” perspective. What is potentially different is if you meet online, it might take longer to feel comfortable with that person if you don’t share any history or people in common. It’s a little more like meeting someone in a bar v. a set-up.
CountC
I think it depends on what you are comfortable with and where the relationship is. For me, if I am sleeping with someone or hooking up with them more than on a making-out basis, I want to be exclusive. That is my comfortable level. As a result, I bring it up when that appears to be right around the corner. If it’s after three dates or three months, doesn’t matter, what matters to me personally is what is going on in the relationship and what my comfort level is. I have never been able to date multiple people at once, it just doesn’t work for me, so YMMV.
Anonymous
+1
I’m the exact same way and my now-H and I had “the talk” on our third date for this reason. We didn’t meet online though.
Senior Attorney
+1 It took quite a while to get there with Gentleman Friend (actually going on dates instead of diving head-first into a relationship! what a concept!) but once things got physical it was important that we establish we were exclusive.
to each her own
For us, it was sooner than 2 months (probably around date 5, though we saw each other much more frequently than once a week) but like every relationship and every couple, what works for one may not work for another. Bring it up when it feels right. If you don’t want to go on other dates, then don’t; if you do, then do.
to each her own
Seconding CountC
Anonymous
You can do it whenever you feel comfortable, the same as if you had met this person at a bar or somewhere else offline.
DC Anon
I would bring it up before you sleep together. You can literally just say that you want to have s*x but don’t feel comfortable without knowing whether they’re seeing anyone else. Don’t worry about it being awkward. If they’re into you, they won’t care. They’ll confirm that they aren’t seeing with anyone else and that they’re really excited to have s*x with you. And if they try to make you feel weird about bringing it up and/or let you know that they are indeed seeing other people… then you have the information to make the decision about whether you want to keep seeing them.
Anonymous
Maybe I’m cynical, but I would not do this. When the lead-in is “I want to have s3x with you but there’s this one obstacle…”, I would expect any guy to just say “yeah yeah of course you’re the only one I’m seeing” to clear that obstacle and jump in bed.
Best Coast
I took my kids (3 and 2 at the time) solo to London and it was a fantastic experience, but I learned that schleping two kids through a major metro area like that took a major readjustment.
We took a fold up double stroller which ended up being too big and heavy to get on and off the tube. I would definitely recommend carrier for your baby, and at the time we were there, every 3 yo+ child was riding a micro mini scooter instead of riding in a stroller. Then you can just grab it to go up and down the stairs that seem to be everywhere. Once we ditched the stroller, my 3 year old had no problem walking/riding; it’s all fairly short distances between where the tube lets out and where you want to get to.
We hit up a lot of playgrounds (Hyde Park and Gunnersbury Park were fantastic) but there were also museums, a traveling circus, and a million other places to explore. My kids absolutely loved a ride in the London Eye.
Best Coast
Wrong place. This was for ANP ^^
Wildkitten
Has anyone read BIGLAW: A Novel? My library doesn’t have it and I’m not sure if it’d be worth buying.
Alanna of Trebond
It sucked.
Wildkitten
Perfect. That saves me $10. Thank you.
OCAssociate
If you can borrow it, it’s a quick read, and I thought it was a little entertaining. But I wouldn’t purchase.
MJ
Yeah…didn’t love it. Fun beach read, wouldn’t pay for it again. Currently in my giveaway pile. It just wasn’t realistic at all (not that I expected it to be), and the plotline was actually unbelievable in a really over the top fashion. For instance, the main character was asked to fax a long document on a vacation and she scrambled all over to do this, but about a chapter before she talked about how her firm was a 24-7 machine with tons of support (so they’d have a fax dept/doc processing/24 hr secretaries) that completely could have done that for her. So this tension-filled plot point was…unbelievable to someone that’s worked at a firm like that.
rosie
One of the few times I actually click the links, and the featured item link is broken, and the first lower-priced option is actually 2x the price.
Anonymous
The first lower-priced option that I saw was $288, which is significantly less than the main dress (apparently nearly $700, but that link is still broken).
rosie
Thanks, I misread and thought the dress was $59-129 depending on size (which is actually the blazers), and then couldn’t view the dress via the link, which would have clarified. And I was confused about why this was the splurge Monday post (now I see)!
Pesh
Does anyone have the Bissell Little Green or Spot Clean or other similar portable cleaner? If so, thoughts? I’ve wanted one for awhile for cleaning upholstery, and have recently started fostering kittens for the local animal shelter, so having a compact carpet/upholstery cleaner makes sense. Just wondering if the Hive had recommendations!
Pesh
Link for reference:
http://www.amazon.com/Bissell-Little-Green-Multi-purpose-Cleaner/dp/B00K3L9XQ8
Duchess
I have the Little Green Spot Bot, and I’ve been very happy with it. I primarily use it for doggy diarrhea or vomit (fun!), but it really does work well. I’ve also used it for spilled soda on my very light rug and cleaning more dog mess off my couch. It’s worked very well in all those instances. I used the standard liquid originally (it may have come with it? I can’t remember.) but I have since ordered the cleaning liquid specifically for pets. I highly recommend it.
Maddie Ross
Same. We also use it for dog mess and it works well. It is possible to scrub “too” hard on some carpets and I’ve pulled up some fibers that way. That said, it does get the spots out.
Anonymous
Yup, had this when I had carpet and a puppy. Works well for dog spots. We have hardwood floors and area rugs now, but I’ve kept it around just in case I need to scrub a spot on the carpet. I used one time (just once) on my couch and it worked well.
Rant
We have little green–I volunteer at a horse rescue and inevitably tramp in god knows what on my boots. The little green makes it disappear!
Anonymous
Sort of related so I’ll post here–I’m in a rental that has carpeted stairs (seriously, the worst design idea ever). I have a stand-up Dyson ball model that has an extension hose and attachments, but it’s such a pain to try to keep the base from tipping down the stairs (the hose isn’t long enough to leave the base at the bottom once I get halfway up the stairs) and it’s a pretty awkward angle to do the small 6″ wide sections with such a long handle and hose. Would something like this work, or is the vacuum piece too small for doing what is roughly 2 flights of stairs? Any other recommendations? Not looking to spend a crazy amount of money since I’ve already got a decent amount of money sunk in vacuums with the Dyson, and as I said, it’s a rental.
Runner 5
I see your carpeted stairs and raise you a carpeted bathroom. Worst idea ever.
Anonymous
Oh ew.
Anonymous
Where I am at least (US midwest) carpeted stairs are totally the norm. I’ve never seen a carpeted bathroom though.
Meg Murry
We had a spotbot when we had kids+dog+carpet, and liked it for small messes. I especially like it for sucking up spills or puddles in general, instead of trying to soak up with a towel or similar. Now that we live in a house without carpet it is on semi-permanent loan to another family member.
However, if you don’t shampoo your carpet very often, the spotbot will leave circles that are obviously much cleaner than the surrounding area – in our case, a bright off-white spot on carpet that otherwise looked tan-ish. As someone else said, it also is pretty hard on the spots and after having to use regularly on the spots my dog and kids tended to have repeat issues the carpet looked a little threadbare there, so in general I used it more for the handheld function than the spot function.
Rather than use the liquid cleaner, I tended to use a spray, and this was my techinique:
1) If there are solids in the mess, try to get them up first (large plastic serving utensils come 2 for $1 a the dollar store, I recommend using these and throwing away)
2) Suck up any liquid in the spill before applying any treatment
3) Put just plain hot water in the machine
4) Depending on the spill, sometimes I would dump a cup of warm water on it first, someitmes squirt with a liquid cleaner like Resolve for Pets in the squirt bottle. Let sit for the recommended time on the squirt bottle.
5) Suck up the liquid, then squirt with clean hot water and scrub and suck that out
6) Repeat until the water you are picking up is clean (ish). May require a second cycle of squirting with Resolve.
7) When finished, make sure you thoroughly rinse and clean the dirty water chambers – otherwise they start to grow gross stuff.
I highly recommend either the Little Green or SpotBot to anyone that has carpet and either kids or pets – in fact, a few of my friends have added them to Target baby registries now, which I highly recommend if you need more items to add – it’s more useful than a lot of the other baby stuff!
Shapewear Q
I used to have one particular shapewear piece that has gone missing, and I’m desperate for a replacement! It had light boning and started at the waist going down to the hip. No leg holes, more like a skirt. Fairly firm control. Has anyone seen anything like this??
lsw
Check American Shapewear and RAGO?
balayage?
I want to get some highlights to brighten up my dark brown, blah hair. Is balayage the way to go? Any thoughts on getting that kind of highlights vs. traditional highlights?
Calico
I wish I had known about balayage years ago! I get it done to my hair and I’ve never been happier with it. I have a very subtle fade making it seem natural and not the deliberate ombre look. I guess my hair grows very slowly because I’ve only had to update it once a year. After a couple beach vacations it turned brassy and my hairdresser applied a toner over it and it’s back to perfect again. I took in a photo of Olivia Palermo, for reference, and it came out great.
anon
!! I also sent Olivia Palermo pics to my stylist! I didn’t know if she had balayage or highlights or what – I just knew I wanted her hair. It’s gorgeous.
Thank you!
Anonymous
Not sure how useful my experience is as an ash blonde, but I’ve loved it for my lighter blonde highlights. I’d been doing foil and was tired of the blunt roots line that in photos would look like a drastic change from white to black (even though my natural shade is still just a darker blonde). I hesitated doing balayage at first because when I googled it, I got so many results for ombre and assumed they went hand in hand. I talked to my colorist though and that’s not the case–you can do balayage with zero ombre effect if that’s what you want, or you can do ombre. The main appeal to me of balayage is that right after my color, the highlight placement just looks more natural vs. uniformly spaced streaks, and longer-term it’s a much more natural grow-out before my next highlight. It’s more expensive but you can go longer in between colors (though that may mean not being on the same schedule for cuts, if that’s important to you).
Bonnie
For those who can wear light colors without immediately spilling, this outfit is gorgeous and really marked down: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/boss-ipila-ponte-peplum-top/4087625?origin=category&BaseUrl=Clothing
Blue Smurf
Just feeling low today. Several years ago, I moved to a new city, made friends, and met a lovely man. But in the last year, literally all of my friends have moved far away. I’m fairly shy so it’s always been difficult for me to befriend people (as opposed to making small talk with strangers).
I know this is life, but I don’t look forward to starting all over, again, in my own home. Le Sigh.
anon
Depending on where you are (some leagues are much more married SAHM than working women with or without kids; mine’s about half and half), consider the Junior League. I moved to a new area and made a ton of friends through it.
Senior Attorney
Or any service club. Joining my local Rotary Club really changed my life after I left my husband!
nutella
If you did it once, you can do it again. Also, I’m sure there are new people to the city that would love to make friends with a local!
Blue Smurf
Thanks for the courage :)
Negotiating Rent Increase
Our year lease in the South Bay is almost up – Landlord is discussing new rent ($50 increase). $50 is fine and we can afford it, but I wanted to at least negotiate to $25 (or anything below $50!) if I can. What can I say or how can I go about it in a competitive market where he’d easily fill his vacancy?
We are great, low-maintenance tenants who always pay the rent on time, but I’m guessing we are not so special in an area.
This area is close to downtown and lots of cute neighborhoods, but the immediate neighborhood is less economically viable and is in the process of gentrifying.
Lorelai Gilmore
If you are really looking at a $50 rent increase in the South Bay, I’d count my lucky stars and say thank you and sign fast. This is a terrible rental market and I keep hearing nightmare stories about 25% rent increases or flat-out evictions.
Having said that, if you really want to negotiate down, just tell him that you’ve been great, low maintenance tenants and want to stay, but want to propose an increase of $25 instead of $50. Consider whether you can take on some of the maintenance burden in exchange.
Susie
I would not try to negotiate in the Bay Area!
Anon
If you are willing to pay a few months upfront in cash, you may be able to offer that. I was considering doing this at my last place (less competitive housing market, but we were steady payors and low maintenance tenants) before we ended up buying a house). When I was researching negotiating rent increases that seemed to be a common tactic.
Parfait
How about negotiating a longer lease time? Lock that tiny increase in for as long as you can.
Anonymous
omg, $50 is NOTHING in the bay area. Our rent (for a 1bed) went up about $200-$300 a year every year. Just sign it or he will find someone else who will be happy to pay way, way more (when we left our apartment this summer it was re-leased for $1,200 a month more than we were paying!!!)
Surprised
I’m wondering if this is a joke? South Bay rents are jumping astronomically and $50 increase would be wonderful for renters anywhere on the Peninsula…
MJ
I am from the South Bay (in LA) and though maybe you meant that. But if you mean San Jose area, agree with what other posters have said. $50 is a gift. Most people are facing multi-hundred dollar increases, even in small apartments. You have a nice LL. Keep him or her!
Robbie
I successfully negotiated for the carpets to be professionally cleaned when our rent went up after 2 years. That cost $150 and I deducted it from the rent. But yeah, I wouldn’t try to lower the price. Maybe get something else. We have white carpet so it was an easy sell that if it could be cleaned, it would last another 2-4 years.