Weekend Open Thread

147 Comments

1. What do you say about your job in social settings when you hate it and saying “fine” won’t cut it? Moved to a new city for a job I just don’t like – but had no choice due to being long term unemployed.

   Only know 2 people in the new city, both from my last job. One of them is someone I look up to a bit – but also only 5 yrs older and I consider her a friend. She is throwing a brunch inviting me, the other friend and 2 other friends of theirs who I don’t know but are all from the same company.

   They know I was a workaholic at my last job (which I loved). They will ask about work and saying “fine” won’t be enough. But I also don’t want them to know that I’m stuck in some loser job. I will probably eventually be truthful w my mentor but not this weekend and not in front of others – how do I punt?

   1. “It’s great. Big change of course, and I’m still settling in. Speaking of which, I desperately need to find a new dentist in the city – know anyone good?”

      1. +1 – I would try to deflect and change the subject. I always ask for hairstylist recommendations in a new city.

      2. I like this. You can easily transition to ‘It’s not the best fit for me so I’m back on the market”.

   2. Why not share some of the things you’re frustrated about? Why do you need to pretend? You are having problems and you’re surrounded by people who could give you good advice or maybe even hook you up with a better offer.

   3. “I’m really fortunate to have landed a job so quickly. It’s a good opportunity and I think it will be a great launching pad for my career here in New City. My main focus right now is on creating a new network here! Any ideas?”

   4. I been there. I feel as if it’s important to sound upbeat about your life when you meet new people. In tough jobs in the past, I’ve tried to say two or three positive comments before acknowledging that the job is not great. Ones I have used: “I’m really learning a lot” “The company has the best (fill in the blank) department in town.” “It’s taking a while to get to know people there but the office manager/head of marketing/whoever/seems really nice.” During one particularly tough stint, I had to fall back on “I’ve never worked in a place with an on site cafeteria — it’s great!” And each of those comments was absolutely true.

      I hope this is just a tough transition time and that you come to like both the new job and the new city.

      1. Or in the “moderately truthful and kinda upbeat but not a lie” vein – what about something like “It’s been a big transition, but I’m starting to get the hang of it/starting to learn how things work at XYZ/starting to feel like I know what’s going on/starting to get to know my team”. If a physically big office building, even a joke like “starting to feel like I’m not going to get lost on my way back from lunch” or similar.

         That gives you the out in a few months to say “the more I learned about XYZ Corp, the more I learned its not a fit for me, because …”

         I don’t think you need to pretend to love your new job, just don’t launch off into how much you hate it. It’s possible she’s making this intro becasue these she or these other women might want to poach you to their company either now or in the future.

2. Recommendations for ways to kill funk in sneakers? I washed a pair and it seems like they never dried quite right – and now they’re gross.

   1. I have had luck luck with spraying them with a diluted tea tree oil spray.

   2. Wash again with literally one or two drops of bleach in the whole washer (literally, just one or two to kill the mold). Dry them properly this time, using newspaper if you need to.

      1. I’d do this, and then dry them in full sun outside if possible.

   3. Adding a 1/2 cup of vinegar to the wash has worked for everything I’ve need to get the smell out of, from dog beds to cigarette smoke.

      1. This. It sounds cliche and I felt like Heloise, but I’ve done it and it works.

3. Interesting article that may be relevant for some of us – on risk of “upstaging” cancer: maisonneuve.org/article/2015/11/10/worth-risk/

   1. Gynecological morcellation is a huge area of concern with the FDA too, since morcellators are an approved device. I know they’ve had panel hearings on the topic recently (as in the past year).

   2. Holy cow. That’s terrifying.

   3. OMG, that is terrifying.

   4. Thank you for posting this link.

   5. Agreed- thank you for posting. This is incredibly disturbing but good to know.

4. Is there a way to deal with someone who repeatedly spells your name wrong in emails? Think Cate/Kate. My correct name shows up in my email and my signature numerous times in many long email chains between me and this person yet they spell it wrong every time. Do I need to let it go or is there a way to politely correct it?

   1. I would let this slide and chalk it up to cr_ppy attn to detail. If you want to fix it, and it’s on group threads, I would send a separate email and say, “Hi X, just wanted to let you know that spell my name Cate, not Kate. Thanks!” I normally hate exclamation points in emails, but I think it’s perfect here to be light about it. Then, i the person keeps doing it, she’s just being passive-aggressive and I would hate her. But that’s me.

      I have a really long formal name and a nickname that comes from the middle (not completely obvious), so I sometimes have to do the, “I go by [nickname]” but it’s pretty clear I do from my signature line.

      1. This is a constant struggle for me. For those who I don’t interact with often, I let it slide and it won’t bother me. For those that I’m in communication with often, it infuriates me. I see it as being completely unaware and rude. I will send a light note or let them know in a light manner via phone. Sometimes it doesn’t matter and people don’t give a sh*t. I then definitely hate that person going forward.

   2. I’ve deal with this, and the best way is always to mention it in person or on the phone as an aside. Like, “By the way, my name is spelled with a C, not a K. People have been spelling it wrong my whole life, so don’t feel bad.” If you put it in an email, it will always sound like you think it’s a big deal, and can brand you as a bit of a princess.

      1. I disagree. A man wouldn’t think twice about correcting someone on this. It is not high maintenance to prefer people use your correct name. And I think it IS a big deal for people to use your correct name. Especially on email chains.

         I have a unique/unusual name. I’ve always corrected people, even judges in courtrooms. Other than a few seconds of realization on their part, and mostly people take it in stride, my corrections have never been received wrong and my career has not suffered in the least. It’s more awkward to wait a long time to correct someone after several misspellings/mispronunciations.

         Jdubs, the polite way is simply and matter of factly. If someone keeps apologizing for it, tell them no harm done. The emails I’ve sent are usually short and concise, “Jim, I just wanted to let you know that my name is actually spelled Cate. See you tomorrow!” In person, “I know this is awkward, but my name is Cate with a C. [[smile]] How are you?”

   3. Generally let it go. My last name is a mans first name in many parts of the world. My email comes through as last name,first name and so I get a lot of replies back to Mr. firstname. I figure who cares!

      1. I’m in a similar situation. My first and last names could be male first names, plus my first name has many variations, and my spelling is one of the least common. My name gets misspelled, or I get called Mr. First Name or Mr. Last Name pretty frequently. I just let it slide. The people that matter figure it out.

   4. Thanks everyone! I have been working with this person for 3 years and this just started recently so I can’t help but feel like it’s on purpose. He is condescending and rude to me in person too. On my like 5th email to him today I conveniently left out a letter of his name (which turns his name into a totally different name) and that made me feel a little better even though I totally realize that it was stooping to his level.

      1. Love it

         Have a great weekend.

      2. Yes. Men bosses can be jerks. Also men I meet socially are not interested in anything other than getting into my panties. Why can’t they just for once be interested in me as a professional?

         1. Ruth, it’s when men are no longer interested in exploring your vag that it’s time for concern. For now, enjoy it and find a decent guy to marry!

            1. Got to love it. Women who are sore at men that are interested in them!

   5. Let it go. My sister has a non-traditional e on the end of her name. Mine is one that can be spelled about 6-10 different ways. As long as it’s not a legal document, who really cares. My sister will take it personally though.

5. Does anyone have a rec for a commercial broker in VA? Thanks.

   1. Northern Va, Richmond or Tidewater?

6. If you pray, or whatever, I need it. I’m taking a certification exam for work on Monday, and I am starting to freak.

   1. Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open thread’s and this Brook’s Brother’s Clutch!!! To bad dad will not let Rosa buy it for me useing HER credit card. FOOEY!

      As for the OP, do NOT sweat it! When I was in college, Dad thought I could become more marketeable if I became a Notary Republic. So he had me sit for the Notary’s test, and I failed it, but that is b/c like a dummy, I did NOT study! But that is NOT you! You will study this weekend and you will pass your certification exam, b/c you have the power of all women in the hive who are rooteing for you!!! YAY! We pray that you will study and PASS the test! But to have god hear our prayer’s, you MUST study. Do NOT hang around with your boyfreind watching football or doeing other stupid stuff this weekend. This is a weekend you must FOCUS on the exam!

      When I was studying for the BAR, all the guy’s in BARBRI wanted me to study with them, but I found out this did NOT mean goeing over the booklet’s. They wanted to get me drunk so that they could do stuff to me. I figured that out quick, told dad, and he got me a hotel room at the W for 3 week’s to study and get food brought UP to me so that I did NOT have to deal with these guy’s from oversea’s that never saw a girl from Long Island before.

      So if you are getting pestered by men (or your boyfreind), get a room at the W (on 14th Street), b/c they have good food, and the bellpersons will NOT hassel you for sex like the men do. FOOEY on them! Have a great weekend, and remember to study and you will PASS! I am praying for you!!!!! YAY!!!!!

   2. Sending you good vibes and test taking karma.

   3. Done. Glad to send positive energy your way.

      1. I love your username. And also praying for pgk.

         1. Thanks! I’ve been thinking your username is great :-)

   4. You got this!

7. Can we do an update on short term disability policies? My company doesn’t pay the premiums but has a preferred provider that we can go through. I’m trying to get an idea whether the premiums are reasonable and if there are better independent options.

   They’ve only given us a limited table of options (will have to contact them for more), but for example the table shows a cost of ~$20/mo to receive a benefit of $2,000/mo for up to 3 months–0 day waiting period for accident/14 days for sickness. That’s the highest benefit the table shows and it’s only about 1/4 of my after-tax income. Since the premiums appear to be linear ($1k benefit is $10/mo), I’m guessing it would be $80/mo if I wanted to fully replace my after tax income. Is that high? If yes, any recommendations for other places to look?

   FWIW, no concern about needing it in place soon to cover mat leave. Just thinking about it during open enrollment after seeing a family member need it after an accident, and knowing that I’m pretty clumsy myself and also in a city full of texting drivers who could hit me at any time.

   1. Adding more detail, to the extent this gets replies today: I wouldn’t need the full $8k of net paycheck replacement to actually pay my ordinary bills, but I frequently see people reference the standard benefit as 60% of pre-tax income, which is about what my paychecks come out to after taxes and other deductions. So that’s why I was using that number to price, and $80 just seemed higher than what I expected. I do have a 6 month* emergency fund and an employer-provided LTD policy that kicks in after 90 days, so does that weigh in favor of skipping STD and just planning to use savings if something were to happen?

      *calculated as 6 months of rent/utils/groceries and other recurring expenses + loan minimums

      1. I don’t know how other policies work, but mine is a similar setup (through my employer, but they don’t pay the premiums) and I don’t have the option of replacing the full amount of my paycheck. I can get UP TO 60%, but that was the highest I could go. FWIW, my pay is about $7k a month pretax, and I am paying $52 a month for 60% coverage.

      2. The (admittedly only) STD/LTD plan I’ve seen via an old employer was 60% of pre-tax income for the LTD, not the STD. The STD was about a $1000/month. The employer paid for the STD if the employee paid for the LTD and STD costs were probably about $5/month. I have no idea how typical (or not) this set up is.

         My understanding with LTD (and probably with STD) plans, if you pay the premium with after tax money, then you receive the benefit payout as after-tax money (ie, you don’t pay taxes on it). If you pay the premium as a pre-tax deduction, then the whatever benefit you receive *is* taxed.

         Maybe the think to do is buy less than a full income-replacement plan – something to supplement your 6-mth fund in the event it is needed.

   2. FWIW, when I had a plan like this with Colonial, there wasn’t an option to fully replace my paycheck. They had it capped at a certain amount (which I would assume correlates to the max benefit on that table you saw).

      1. +1 – I’ve seen 60% of monthly income (on the LTD) with no more than a $6,000 payout.

      2. Oh interesting. Colonial is the provider. I didn’t expect to be able to go above 60% (nor would I feel the need to since I would structure it to pay premiums with after tax dollars to make the benefit nontaxed) but I didn’t realize the max benefit would be capped at $2,000. My relative got 60% of her gross pay which I’d estimate to be about a $3-3.5k per month benefit. She had a 1 month waiting period even for an accident though, so perhaps her policy was actually LTD with a short waiting period. I’ll have to ask, for curiosity if anything (we’re close enough that it’s more than appropriate).

         Our LTD monthly benefit has a cap of 60% up to $15,000. It’s vaguely worded and doesn’t specify whether that’s (1) a $15,000 gross pay cap and max benefit of $9k, or (2) 60% of gross pay up to max $15k benefit, ie cap kicks in at gross monthly pay above $25k. Fortunately my income is under all of those numbers so I don’t have to worry about it :P

   3. A note on taxes – if you pay your premiums with “before-tax” dollars (that is, they are taken from your check before your taxes are deducted), you will owe taxes on the benefits. So, if you’re figuring on a benefit amount in comparison to your take home pay, you may need to take taxes into account as well.

      Personally, if you’re not bordering on paycheck to paycheck, I think that there’s a good argument for letting your emergency fund serve as some or all of your short term “insurance” at that cost, particularly if you’re not anticipating using it for maternity leave soon. But you might have to do the math on some scenarios to be sure. When I has something similar, I did not feel like the relatively small benefit (which gave me 6 weeks postpartum, with the first 2 weeks unpaid, so a total of 4 weeks of benefits that came out to about 600/week) was really worth it. (I realize that’s not really the point of insurance, but that is the point of an emergency fund, too.)

      1. That’s where I’m leaning–relying on emergency fund and ensuring I have the full amount of my medical deductible set aside, albeit outside FSA because of the use or lose it risk and my otherwise typically low medical expenses.

         1. Yes, I would lean toward not buying it if you have 6 months emergency fund plus full deductible (or out of pocket max if its much higher) in savings, and a LTD plan that kicks in at 90 days. Or maybe just buying on the low end so it would be enough just to cover your rent, or largest 2-3 monthly bills.

   4. Just seconding this request.

8. This jezebel piece on Botox is great. Anyone else here gotten Botox and regretted it?
   http://millihelen.jezebel.com/screaming-on-the-inside-my-adventures-with-botox-1741536259

   1. I get what she is saying, but I love how I look with the tiny bit of Botox I get. To each their own, yea? The only place I get it and the only place I will ever get it is right between my eyebrows. It’s a small enough amount that it doesn’t drastically affect my forehead and I do not feel that my facial expressions are so limited that I cannot, well, express myself. It’s cool that she decided it’s not for her, but it works for me.

      1. How much does it cost just to do this small area? How often do you repeat it?

         1. Not the OP but I do 20 units total between my eyebrows and also on frown lines on my forehead. I can still move my face if I want but it prevents me from having wrinkles when my face is in a neutral position. I pay about $200-$250 every 5 months and see a plastic surgeon.

      2. I’m pretty much the same as anonymous. I get 20 units for that area at $15 unit, so $300. You can get the units a little cheaper depending on your area. I go every 6 months to a plastic surgeon.

   2. Didn’t read the piece, but I loved the results from my botox. I got it from a board certified plastic surgeon. For $300, I felt like I needed less of all the other stuff I spend money on – face creams, makeup, etc., etc., because I looked fresh without all that.

9. This weekend, I’m going to try to force myself to do one thing for myself, despite work & social & family obligations. I’m hoping to take a bath. What’s your planned indulgence for the weekend?

   1. Getting my hair cut :) It’s longggg overdue.

   2. Nothing this weekend, but next weekend I’m getting a flu shot when I go to the supermarket, so I’m going to buy comfort foods and stay on the couch for 2 days with the excuse that “flu shots make me feel sick”.

      1. I love that you have this planned out.

   3. To relax and read and do nothing for a bit!

   4. Bath is on my list too. I have a separate tub and shower, and the sad thing is I generally have to wipe out a layer of dust in the tub before the rare occasion I fill it.

      1. Same here! Dust and dog hair…always a deterrent to a relaxing bath.

   5. My husband and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary and are staying in a hotel for one night without our children. It has been 6 months since we had a date and a year and a half since we had a night alone. I am excited!

      1. Congrats!

   6. Going for a nice longish walk with a friend. And probably a coffee afterwards!

      1. Same here, except that will take that long walk with my furry- four-legged friend. Poor thing has been neglected a bit. Yikes. Coffee (and iced water) afterward, too!

   7. Mani/pedi for the win!

   8. I have serious singing to do from about 8:15 to noon on Sunday morning so I will have to be good on Saturday night. So tonight, I’m going to a friend’s birthday martini party at a local hotel bar.

   9. I’m going to snuggle with my weeks-old bebe as much as possible and try to sneak in a few naps. That may not sound too exciting, but after a too-busy week, that’s all I want.

10. My favorite pair of jeans is the AG Stevie jeans (skinny with a medium wash) because they are SO SOFT and comfortable. Sadly I can’t find them in stores anymore (or on eBay last time I checked a few months ago). So…recommendations for very soft skinny jeans? Please and thank you :)

    1. JBrand high rise skinnies. So so so soft.

    2. Try AG prima, I find the fit similar to the stevie, and the last wash I got (interface?) was very soft.

    3. AG prima 360 jeans. I just ordered a pair, the fit was close to the stevie.

    4. Thank you both!! :)

11. I’m looking for a “festive” sweater or top to wear to casual events. Want comfy (sweater or stretchy), sparkly (sequins/beading/sparkle), not fussy, not cropped or thin strap tank top and ideally under $100. I’m 5’3″ and size 16. Ideas?

    1. Maybe this? http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/inc-international-concepts-sequined-cowl-neck-sweater-only-at-macys?ID=2503871&CategoryID=260&tdp=cm_app~zMCOM-NAVAPP~xcm_zone~zPDP_ZONE_A~xcm_choiceId~zcid6N0011-fa4647e0-a78c-407d-8fcf-44b5313137b5%40H7%40customers%2Balso%2Bshopped%24260%242503871~xcm_srcCatID~z260~xcm_pos~zPos1 In red also

       1. Love this one.

    2. Or this? http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/alfani-petite-shirt-tail-hem-sequinned-sweater-only-at-macys?ID=2466533&CategoryID=55612&LinkType=#fn=sp%3D1%26spc%3D18%26slotId%3D9%26kws%3Dalfani%20sequin

    3. http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/anne-klein-sequinned-sweater?ID=2395571&CategoryID=260&LinkType=#fn=sp%3D1%26spc%3D56%26slotId%3D3%26kws%3Dsequin%20sweater

       1. Not sure that last link worked http://m.macys.com/shop/product/anne-klein-sequinned-sweater?ID=2395571

    4. Thanks! I love these!

    5. I JUST saw something just like this at Target today.

       http://www.target.com/p/mb-ls-sequin-tunic/-/A-21431236#prodSlot=medium_1_5&term=sparkle+sweater

    6. Also this one if you’re not as into the cowl neck.

       http://www.target.com/p/sequin-pullover/-/A-49140769#prodSlot=medium_1_2&term=sparkle+sweater

    7. Have you tried the lower cost stores like TJ Maxx, Marshall, Last Call, Etc? They currently have on their racks festive sweaters at reasonable prices.

12. Way late to the party but I love the edgy look of RM’s MAB satchel. They appear to be discontinued, but there is a small selection on eBay. Does anyone have one and do you like it?

    Failing this, I may try the moto satchel.

    Thanks!

    1. I have one and I love it. People have complained about the quality before but I’ve never had an issue with this or any other of my RM bags.

       Actually, I may pull mine out and put it back in the rotation now…

    2. I had an RM MAM bag about 7 years ago… it totally fell apart within a year of light use. Handles collapsed, hardware fell off… the company totally did not stand behind the bag. So I was basically SOL. I will never purchase another bag from that company.

       1. This. I’ve had a few over the years – the first was awesome, the latter ones not as much. If you can find it on super sale or on ebay, they are awesome looking bags IMO. Simple, clean lines. But they do not stand up well to daily wear.

    3. I have a red one that I want to sell but haven’t had time to get around to. If you are interested drop me an email at fannycorpor3tt3 at gmail dot com (subbing in “e”, of course). Very good shape and I’ll let it go for a song ($60 or so?)

    4. My current everyday bag – I don’t rotate – is a RM Bowery Tote. I’ve been using it for about a year, and love it. Great quality, nice leather, no problems with handles, hardware, etc. Maybe quality varies, but I’ve been happy.

13. Today in Fantasy Shopping:

    Go to the David Yurman website and click on Women->Earrings and take a look at those beauties in the header.

    1. Oooh. I love this too: http://www.davidyurman.com/products/women/rings/cable-wrap-ring-with-diamonds-in-18k-gold-10mm-r12741d88.html?item=R12741D88ABODI

       1. Look I like it. Kind of bondagey.

          In other news, now I want these. I mean, I have to give up my 10 drinks a week per all the commenters, so I may as well have fabulous earrings right ?

          http://www.davidyurman.com/products/women/earrings/tempo-double-drop-earrings-with-diamonds-e12691dsb.html

          1. Don’t give up your drinks – just stop maxing out your retirement contributions.

14. I am so excited! My LD boyfriend and I were already planning to spend next weekend together at a college football game, but now he is able to come up to stay with me Thursday night as well! This is unexpected and excellent. He will get to see me ride too, as my normal Tuesday lesson got rescheduled to Thursday because my horse needed some injections today.

    1. Oh yeah serious boyfriends need to meet ponies. (Ponies is affectionate, not flippant.)

       1. So true! Haha. He knows the cats and ponies are not negotiable!

          1. Not enough + in the world for this! :)

15. I had an informal chat this afternoon with an executive in my organization to talk about opportunities to potentially move to his branch. He said he will take my CV to his direct reports and see what would be a good fit. He’s a busy guy and I appreciate him making the time to chat – should I send a thank you e-mail?

    1. Yes! Nothing long or formal. but a thank you is appropriate.

    2. Agreed, a casual thank you email is always appreciated.

16. How much should a pair of tights cost? I find they cost about 12-15$/pair. I usually find myself buying them at Macy’s, the Gap, etc. I like quality (won’t rip the first time) and would even like them to hold up if washed. I wear them every day in the winter, so anything cost effective would be great. Any recs. on stores/online would be helpful.

    1. I pay $20 for the Assets brand at Target and have had them last 2+ years. I wash mine every 2-3 wears on gentle and hang to dry and they have held up fine.

    2. I like Hue brand tights. Usually I can get them on the usual suspects, such as bare necessities dot com or even the Hue website for 2 for $22, though they usually cost $15/pair if bought individually. Sometimes I find them at TJ Maxx, Marshalls, etc. for less than that though I don’t recall the exact price.

       Mine last multiple years putting them through the wash on gentle cycle in a lingerie bag and hanging them to dry.

       1. Oh, Macy’s also carries Hue in stores and online. Probably they’re also available on Amazon…they’re pretty easy to find.

       2. N0rdstrom Rack also carries them for less than $10. I always get them there since it’s right by my office … not that I’ve been known to stop by on the way in or anything.

       3. I like Hanes Silky Sheer (I think they’re called) and if you buy them in some bulk on the Hanes website you can generally get them for below $8. Otherwise, Nordstroms Rack and TJ Maxx tend to have under $10 hose pretty regularly.

    3. I wash my tights in lingerie bags. I do it so the SO pulls them out to hang dry instead of putting them in the dryer, but it probably also helps them last longer.

    4. I got tights last weekend at uniqlo at their arigato sale for $4.90 each and they are amazing. They are usually under $10. Their heattech ones are more expensive (but warmer!). I wash tights and pantyhose in lingerie bags and hang them up to dry. They last a long time.

    5. I spend $40 on falke tights but I have some pairs that are still going strong after 6+ years. It all depends.

       1. I pay $28 for Spanx tights. They last a long time.

    6. I got a 2pack of DKNY a few years ago from Costco. I think that they were $10, and they are workhorses. Still going strong, no runs, some fuzzy spots, but color is good and they are warm.

17. I am looking to lateral and I see postings periodically and also get contacted by recruiters. Most of the time the recruiters are looking to fill positions that are public (i.e. I can see the opening on the firm’s website). When should a recruiter be used/not used? Also taking recs on recruiting companies. I am a midlevel associate (not a partner) if that makes a difference. Thanks.

    1. As my name states, I’m not in NYC or DC, but in my market, you probably don’t want to use a recruiter. So I think part of the answer to your question on when to use one versus not depends on the market where you’re looking. Most recruiters get paid a pretty good sum for placement – one that is not such a big deal for BigLaw, but can be even for MidLaw or smaller markets. My firm only uses recruiters in the most dire of circumstances, and in that case it’s only for super niche practices.

       1. This is admittedly anecdata, but I find it surprising how many firms defy the logic you describe (Biglaw can afford it without blinking, Mid to smaller law can’t justify the cost). I’ve never worked in Biglaw, but quite a few of my friends have shared that their firms refuse to use recruiters because they think their name recognition is enough to garner a sufficient applicant pool from their website posting, and to supplement they’ll also pay a small bonus to current associates who refer a candidate (maybe $2,000 vs. the $40,000+ they might pay a recruiter). In contrast, the midsize firms that I’ve worked at are nuts for recruiters and my current firm has probably paid over $300,000 to one recruiter this year for a couple of lateral associates and two partners. And without going into unnecessary detail, I do not think it’s been money well spent in the hires I’ve seen.

    2. At my former Big Law firm in Silicon Valley, recruiters were the norm. I wasn’t directly involved in hiring but I got the sense that when a candidate was referred by a known recruiter, there was a presumption that the candidate was worth at least a screening interview, whereas an individual applying directly did not have that presumption. But I believe that if they got a very well-qualified applicant directly they would give that person an interview. My firm also offered a pretty small bonus to associates who referred a friend (just a few hundred dollars I think, not $2K) and I know of some people who got hired that way. If you have a friend at the firm, probably better to have them submit your resume than to apply online or something.

18. Posted this earlier but-
    Any suggestions for a delicate yellow gold and diamond right hand ring that’s not too engagement-ey? I am not married and currently wear a sterling silver claddagh, but on the lookout for something more sparkly to wear on my right hand. Budget is $250-$600, the Mm LaFleur crisscross ring was my favorite but sadly no longer being made.

    1. I had a dream right hand ring and was thinking about getting it custom made and then found it randomly for sale at Zales of all places. So I don’t have a suggestion – but keep looking and don’t be afraid to look at super normal places that advertise on the radio.

    2. I wanted this but skipped it last year during the NAS… http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/bony-levy-stackable-diamond-band-ring-nordstrom-exclusive/3142151?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=2375500&fashionColor=White+Gold&resultback=0

19. Q about Facebook: I unfollowed an annoying friend. I now want to re-follow her (not because I particularly want to see her posts but because it was getting awkward when other friends mentioned things about her that I didn’t know). But if I click the “+follow” button on her profile will she get a notification that I’m now following her, and hence that I wasn’t before?

    1. You didn’t unfriend her right, just un-followed her? I think the whole point of the follow or unfollow buttons is so that no one else has to know.

       1. Right, definitely didn’t unfriend her. But I thought that you get a notification when someone starts “following” you (just like you do on Instagram and other social media). But maybe not.

          1. You get a notification if that person is NOT already your friend. But if you’re already friends, you can follow/unfollow secretly.

    2. I think there’s an option to see less of what people post, too. Like only their top posts– that might be a good middle ground.

20. A series of events led to me figuring out that my mother was a huge point of stress in my life. Besides all the bad marriage advice she gave me including manipulation and moving money etc, she also constantly reported back gossip family members including my MIL said about me, to me. It literally made me so depressed and paranoid to the point I couldn’t stand the sight of my MIL. As a result my MIL and I have a strained relationship . I’ll never know if half the things she told me my MIL said about me were even true or not. These series of events led me to retrieve mentally a lot of memories that I had repressed from childhood and adolescence of instances where she made me feel worthless and stupid, I remembered having anxiety around her due to her temper, insults and fluctuating emotions. Thankfully I’ve moved to another state for work reasons, so now limited to seeing her occasionally and some holidays, she was recently in town for a lay over flight, with all this knowledge (which I didn’t share with her) I looked in her eyes and realized I don’t like nor respect her at this point. I’m adept at not letting people know I do not care for them, so I act very normal about it and do not raise suspicion. The only thing I’ve done is reduce my calls to her to once every 8 days, versus before 2-3 or more times a week on my lunch breaks, and sloHow do you budget for shopping & knowing if it’s slow ly the plan is to reduce it to one a month then one very two months etc. she went through a nasty divorce with my dad 14 years ago and has been cold turkey single ever since then. Has never seemed to stabilize herself financially and extremely emotionally manipulative. it’s weird but at times I don’t tell her news about my personal life because I feel like she is jealous of the most trivial things… Like me recently getting an office to myself at work instead of the cubicle. I’ve gone so far as to plan how I’ll hide my pregnancy from her when the time comes and hire help so that I don’t need her to come live with me after birth because I don’t feel comfortable around her. when Anyways… Just sharing, has anyone else had this kind of mom? Sorry I’m new here… And should I feel guilty for slowly detaching from her??? My hubby supports my decision and I’m 100% happier and less anxious as a result of not talking to her as much.

    1. Do not feel guilty about detaching from your source of anxiety. Yes, it sucks that it’s your mother but many of us have similar situations. I learned long ago that my mother with never be the woman/mother I want her to be. Accepting that was very freeing. I accept her for who she is and no longer yearn for her to be the mother that she’s not.

       If you are truly 100% happier and less anxious, detaching from her was the right decision.

       1. “Do not feel guilty about detaching yourself from your source of anxiety.” That statement has really reasonated with me. Thank you so much.

    2. Don’t feel guilty at all. You are doing the right thing.

       There is so much here…..

       You need to see a therapist and to work on sorting yourself out. Start this before you have children.

21. I’m sorry for the typos… Typing fast on my iPad. Holiday season is the hardest because I feel like everyone can’t wait to see their mothers and I can’t get away from mine fast enough… It’s to the point that she doesn’t even enter my mind consistently, to worry about her well being etc, and I don’t ever see myself allowing her to live with me ever. Besides Being a super introvert, clean freak and neurotic about visitors in my home, I don’t trust or feel at ease with her at all,.. She know zero about my marriage or even what I do for work. I’ve gone to counseling and also spiritual mentors, but looking for you guys thoughts… It gets tough at times.

    1. Hi, it is tough. My mom sounds very similar to yours. Definitely sounds like a personality disorder, possibly NPD, like my mom.

       I am rushing out the door in a few minutes to get home to my kids as the nanny leaves at 6 pm, but I will try to come back to you on this.

       Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

       Cyber hugs…..

       1. Thank you very much for the support. It’s something so difficult and quite embarrassing to even talk about… When I found this thread, I cried because I was desperate to vent and get some support. It’s not something I can talk about to family or even my hubby at this point, who bless his heart has listened to me go on and one for almost a year about this with no complaints. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!! Thank you

    2. I cannot answer your questions. Early in my marriage, I recognized that she is saying not so positive things about my husband (like he should be some other way and not the way he is, he should not spend the money the way he does, his family is not ideal etc etc). I noticed in myself that whenever she told those things to me, I would get very restless and fight with my husband on the things that she had mentioned were wrong with my husband. I caught it very soon and I started ignoring whatever she was saying. It was very hard in the beginning, but I used to tell myself if I want to fight with my husband based on what my mother felt about my husband? Every time, the answer was no. So I let go of the thought, treat my husband extra special for whatever he was. After some time, she stopped saying anything at all to me because she knew that wouldn’t work.

       Now..my own vent. I love my mother and she has done a lot to me. But her attitude towards money just irritates me and sometimes saddens me to no end. I often feel she measures people’s worth (sometime including me) with the kind of money that person has. Like for example, I brought a small gift to my mother, then my brother-in-law brought a big gift to his parents on the same day, I could see she was not happy, without mentioning about the gift, she commented on how much more my brother-in-law earns as opposed to my husband and my husband should earn like my brother-in-law. It made me feel very very sad. But I let go. I told myself that this is what I can do, if she cannot be happy with that, then she should find a different daughter. There have been many instances where she wants us to compete with others. Like I have a Honda Civic, my cousin buys a BMW, then she feels bad and jealous. I just tell her that I am not them. These days it has become less frequent because she knows I cannot change according to what she wants.

       1. Wow yes… I noticed this too! After these conversations where she would unload, prod and put seeds in my mind of negativity I would find myself fighting my husband constantly or taking it out on him. After slowly backing away from her, I noticed I’m not as tightly wound and hypersensitive. I feel your pain!

22. To suffer with a mother like this is… Unbearable at times. I often when I have solitude, wonder what I did to deserve parents with narcissistic traits. Dad skipped out on us along with the divorce. He was non existent a good 14 years of my life. To say I don’t know him very well is an understatement. He sends emails every birthday now that I’m in adulthood, a handful of times sent me a couple hundred dollars and on my wedding contributed $6,000 to the budget… Other than those instances, no relationship at all. No calls, nothing. My MIL and FIL are not bad people but emotionally detached, not the type of home where they are affectionate, exchange I love you’s or value family time. As pathetic as it is, all I’ve ever really wanted was a loving family. Parents or in laws that valued me. But I don’t have that and the holidays are tough because every where you turn, it’s a reminder what sick and selfish parents you have.

    1. You are not alone. Vast majority of people have difficult parents and in-laws. Keep coming back to this site as it gets closer to the holidays. You will see how much drama happens over the holidays and how people just wear a happy facade during that time. My father terrorized when I was young. His outbursts of anger, rage was so hard to bear. I lived in a constant state of fear and anticipation of his anger. I hardly talk to him now and not feel guilty about it. So, yes her was present in my life but just as a very negative influence.

       You need to let go of what your parents are. It is not worth the time and energy to remind your self of how bad they were. You have no control over them. However, you can make your holidays special. I don’t have family close to me either (they are in a different country). I decided to bake fruit cake and cookies for all those who have made our life better as a token of gratitude. In our workplace, there is adopt a family thing for Christmas. So I am adopting a small family and send them gifts. It makes me very peaceful because I did something to make someone’s life a bit brighter. So you develop small holiday traditions which focus on what you have. This holiday, just do one thing that makes it special. As time goes on, you can add few more traditions which makes holiday season special for you.

       1. Wow thank you for the encouragement. I really like the idea of doing something special for less fortunate. That sounds like a way better use of my time than wallowing in how messed up my parents are. They’ve done unspeakable things to each other including my dad beating my mother up while she was confined to a wheel chair following a car accident. I think helping the less fortunate and maybe more Theraphy will help also… Thank you again and I will definitely keep reading this forum. It helps *hugs

23. One of the most disturbing things she did was, on my wedding night, my husband and I were given a small little bag with the money and envelopes that our guests gave us. She called me and asked me where my husband was, (immediately I lied because I didn’t like the line of questioning.) I motioned to him to stay silent. She said “good now I am low on money and I don’t want to have to ask family members because it is embarrassing. How much was in the bag that guests gave you? Do not tell your husband, just take out half of the money before he counts it, so he won’t know. And please give it to me.” She also had my aunt stop my suite, (at which my husband hid in the tub) (crazy I know) and my aunt proceeded to tell me how important it is to hide money and slowly move money from accounts for “safety” as an “insurance policy” because “men are unpredictable” after almost and hour… She left.’my husband was so disturbed.. But due to his gracious nature, he did not bad mouth either of them but instead thanked me for not lying to him. We counted $1,500. In the bag and devised a plan to lie to her that there was only $500 in the bag. Unbeknownst to her, I said “ok I will give you $250. All there is was $500.” I knew my husband 5 years prior to our marriage and never lied to him a day in my life. So I wasn’t about to start. We never hid things. So I chose to deceive my mother and although It was disgusting and embarrassing – let my husband witness the whole thing and be honest with him about what she asked me to do. To this day, she doesn’t know he knows. She’s very prideful and would probably commit suicide if she knew he knew. She’s that dramatic. This is just ONE of the disturbing ways she almost ruined my marriage. My husband is huge on trust and had I done that, he would’ve never trusted me ever again. Thankfully I didn’t listen to her. Also – I might add when she first called me and approached me I was livid. I screamed at her and yelled asking how could she encourage me to steal from my husband. It ws to no avail. She sent my aunt over. She began to cry and carry on about how much she’s done for me as a mother.

    1. I highly recommend therapy.

       1. x 1

24. Call me crazy but I am interested in working as a crown in Bermuda or Jamaica or some other warm island. I know that people with commonwealth country law degrees can apply for these jobs- anyone know how?

    1. That doesn’t sound crazy at all! Bermuda is awesome. Sadly, I am of no help in how to get you there.

    2. http://www.gov.bm/portal/server.pt?open=512&objID=440&&PageID=820&mode=2&in_hi_userid=2&cached=true

       http://www.moj.gov.jm/careers

       http://dpp.gov.jm/careers

       I have a friend who applied several years ago in response to an online ad. I think it’s very competitive. The above-noted link would appear that you could email the people in “Unit 2” to get information directly. There are some more generic sites revealed by google but these look like the actual government websites.

       It does sound like the dream place to live although it looks like in spite of their idyllic settings, the prosecution services both still struggle with the same resourcing issues that exist in chillier commonwealth countries.

25. Our cable and Internet are out again. I’m so glad that I remained a dinosaur and did not get rid of our DVDs. I forgot how good some of these older movies are.

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