Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Side Twist Tech Cady Dress

118 Comments

1. If this were reasonably priced, I’d snap it up in a heartbeat–the design is gorgeous. But since when is 100% polyester dry clean only? Don’t get me wrong, I love polyester dresses for travel, but I wouldn’t spend $600 on one, especially since a lovely silk or wool dress would be well within that price point.

   1. I feel exactly the same. I was shopping this weekend, and found a lovely light-weight jersey dress that said “Dry Clean.” Um, what?

      1. I have the conspiracy theory that its because clothes are so cheaply made these days that it’ll fall apart the first time you wash it.

         1. I think you’re right, CPA lady.

         2. +1 to CPA Lady’s theory

            And huge ditto to it being a lovely, wonderful dress that’s horribly overpriced for polyester. It’s driving me nuts that now wool and silk increasingly rare in even higher end fashion.

   2. $600 for a dress is out of my price range, but if I owned one I’d probably dry it clean it. Also this dress is so beautiful and I hope some lower priced designer creates a similar knock-off soon. The lower priced and plus sized alternatives are just not anywhere close to the original for this pick.

   3. Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love pricey Monday’s and this dress, but this is even WAY out of my price range! I think I would have to be a partner at a BIG firm to afford this one, even WITH my clotheing allowance!!! FOOEY!

      I spent the all weekend in bed (by myself — DOUBEL FOOEY) b/c had a 24 hour bug. My dad told me to stay home and NOT to go out b/c there were a lot of people in the City walkeing around and sneezeing. I think I got the bug from the janitor, who keep’s giving me bannanna’s to eat. I thought it would be OK b/c those are inside the skin, but who know’s WHERE his hand’s have been–he does everything on our floor, includeing unplugging the toilet’s. TRIPEL FOOEY!

      I decided NOT to sell my apartement b/c I am NOT goeing to go out on my own. Dad is trying to renegotiate my partnership agreement, but he realy has NO leverage at this point, and he know’s it. Beside’s, the MANAGEING partner is being nice to me b/c of all of my billeing’s. I was abel to bill 83 hours last Friday and still get home before 6 in time to watch JEPARDY. I love JEPARDY b/c the men there are So smart! I want a guy like that who will love me and support our children. I wonder, tho, about whether Alex Trebek is married? He know’s all the answers on TV, but is he realy that smart? WHAT DOES THE HIVE THINK?

      Anyway, June is a new month for billeings and the manageing partner wants 650 hour’s this month from me. I realy do NOT think I can keep this pace up. I have 6 brief’s due today for this week, and am goeing to Court Wednesday. I am glad it was not today b/c I would have got soaked! FOOEY!

   4. It is beautiful, but I wouldn’t pay that (plus the exchange rate, plus duty plus shipping) for a polyester dress etiehr.

      1. Either.

   5. I have some polyester that is suggested to be dry-cleaned; I just throw it on the “handwash” cycle with some Woolite.

      But yeah, what’s up with all of the expensive dresses that are made out of synthetic fabrics? I used to be able to buy 100% silk for $140 or so… now, it seems like that’s just not available.

   6. Not sure if this one is lined but washing machines can do wonky things to lining.

      1. This. Just learned this lesson the hard way.

   7. I can’t wrap my head around $600 for polyester

      1. I was gown shopping last year and the one I liked best was a $600 polyester gorgette floor-length dress by Halston Heritage. I said F that sh!t and made a silk version for under $150. Bonus, it’s machine washable (since I pre-washed the fabric.)

         Turned out way better than it had any right to.

2. I’m a Sprint distance triathloner, and I’ve decided to start training for a century ride with Team in Training. I’d love some recommendations for cycling shorts, saddles or other gear. I’ve got a good road bike with clipless pedals and cleats already. Also, any other advice? I started out with a 31 mile ride on Saturday and it went great.

   1. Cycling shorts are a really personal thing, but I do a lot of long-distance riding and like Terry Shorts. They aren’t cheap, but they have held up much longer than cheaper shorts. Terry also makes good saddles, but that is an even more personal thing than the shorts. It sounds like you already ride your bike for triathlons, so if that saddle is working for you, don’t mess with a good thing. One thing that you might want to get for longer rides, especially if it is hot or you are prone to chafing, is chamois cream. It goes on you and on the chamois in your shorts wherever you get hot spots.

      If you are doing 31 mile rides, then you are well on your way. Make sure you get some longer rides in before the century ride and make sure you eat a bit during the century (take advantage of the rest stops).

   2. I like Pearl Izumi shorts for biking. I don’t like the “gel” stuff but the thinner but still padded seats work for me. I find that if I go to Performance (a cheaper bike store) and spend about $90-$120) I get a good pair. I have not found great shorts for less than that. You can buy $200 bike shorts — a friend of mine loves hers; I haven’t spent that much yet.

3. I absolutely love this choice!

4. Is the model’s waist as narrow as her face?

   There is something with the pose or photoshop here that looks off to me.

   1. I was wondering this too. Her waist does look exceptionally tiny.

5. Hello Ladies, I hope I can gather some words of wisdom from you. I’ve been dating someone for about 2 months and things are going really really well – he’s super sweet, respectful, we have a ton of fun together. He’s mentioned bits and pieces of his childhood before, but this weekend I learned more, and I’m a bit scared. I’m hoping some of you who grew up in more troubled families, or are married to someone who did, can help me figure out how to navigate things or direct me to resources. His dad was an alcoholic, his mom did some drugs, sounds like a very high conflict family, and when they divorced his dad screwed his mom out of her fair share of the money and then told my boyfriend he was “divorcing him”, too. This is heartbreaking stuff to me. My boyfriend generally seems to have his act together; he’s a very rational thinker, to help you envision him, and I think is thinking about this stuff again due to our relationship more than he has in several years. I went through some really hard stuff too, so understand that good things can come out of hard stuff, but I was in my 20’s and had grown up with a really stable, good, childhood.

   How do you discern if someone who grew up in really challenging circumstances is someone who will thoughtfully create a good relationship/life, or end up repeating their parent’s patterns? I’ll admit I’m a bit scared.
   What resources would you recommend?
   How can I best direct our conversations to be a good influence on his life?

   Thank you!

   1. I think you keep listening. It sounds like there were issues with both parents – is he evenhanded about it?

   2. You don’t get extra credit for taking on a fixer-upper in a relationship. I wish I had understood that before I got married. But now I’m getting divorced. Sooooo….. I might be jaded.

      1. I had a terrible childhood with an alcoholic father and an extremely harsh and critical mother. I think it’s a bit of a leap to presume that just because someone had a terrible childhood they are a “fixer upper”. Your ex may be, but it doesn’t mean we all are. (ETA: I agree that OP shouldn’t/can’t “be a good influence” in his life– it doesn’t work like that)

         I think part of what you need to think about, OP, is how far out of the situation he is, and what he’s done since then to deal with any emotional trauma. I haven’t lived with my parents for over a decade, and despite the wretched stuff I had to grow up with, I find myself more mentally and emotionally healthy each year that goes by. I would absolutely not consider myself to be a fixer upper, though I might have been at the age of 18 (but then, who isn’t at 18). If anything, my father’s alcoholism makes me especially cautious with my own drinking, and my parents’ situation has made me independent and hard working. I am very conscious about the awful relationship my parents had and have taken steps to make my relationship strong.

         I have a happy, healthy, full life despite what I came from. Most of all, I’d just urge you to keep listening and not to jump to conclusions. The book “Adult Children of Alcoholics” was very helpful for me to recognize some of the after-effects of growing up in that environment.

         My takeaway from the entire experience is that I know what its like to live in a terrible miserable family, so I am working extra hard to have a healthy and happy one. He may be too, and unless you already have concerns about his behavior, its not likely that he’s just going to go from reasonable and responsible to off the rails at the flip of a switch.

         1. Yes. He’s not damaged goods. It sounds like you think he is.

         2. I don’t think anyone’s assuming the guy is a fixer-upper, but the OP seems to be moving in that direction, with the comment “How can I best direct our conversations to be a good influence on his life?”

            Regardless, this whole conversation has that terrible Fixer-Upper song from Frozen in my head. I HATE that song.

      2. +1

      3. Seriously. A tough upbringing does not mean that the person can’t have a normal relationship.

   3. I would just make sure that you guys are on the same page when it comes to personal goals. My partner of 6 years grew up in a very bizarre environment, and with an emotionally manipulative mother/enabling father. My partner loves me very much, and communicates his goals and needs.

      If your partner isn’t willing to work on individual issues with you, then I would be concerned. Issues will come up. But, if they are able to see how those issues cause your relationship harm, they can take initiative to improve the situation. I recommend the book “High Conflict Couple” to read through for some understanding.

      Even though my relationship is not actually “high conflict” it has enabled us to use more helpful language and frame our thoughts better during rougher periods.

   4. You’re only 2 months in. I think you just keep listening and learning. How does he treat others? If he wants kids, how does he want to do things differently? How is he at resolving conflict himself? Does he fight fair? Does he have substance issues? I wouldn’t automatically assume he’s broken and needs saving just because of his past. I’d look more at how he is now and how he wants to lead his life.

   5. My own childhood was different than the one you describe, but filled with emotional abuse (mother), an absentee parent (father) and poverty. I’m still in therapy for the things my mom has said and done to me in the past, and while she and I do talk occasionally I would characterize our relationship as mostly estranged. My husband, by contrast, has two AMAZING parents who, while they are far from perfect, are wonderful people who truly love both of us, support our family and care for our children.

      I suppose I don’t have any good advice for you except that I believe self-awareness is the first step. If your new beau understands that the way he was raised is not indicative of a stable family, I’d say that’s a great start! I didn’t begin to see the light myself until I went away to college, when I was with close girlfriends 24/7 and realized my family was in no way “normal” (and I use that term loosely, since I know — and embrace! — the fact that every family has its quirks). I also think it helps to have the drive/fire within you (him) to work towards better things in your own life. I’m sure I’m making 36 mistakes before breakfast with my own kids, but I’m very aware of the scars my own parents have left and try to avoid passing those on to my son and daughter.

      In short: I don’t think there’s an easy way to determine whether to fish or cut bait, but I do believe we are all capable of rising above the crummy stuff life hands us. Isn’t that the very essence of the human experience? I would continue to listen, be supportive, and — as with any relationship — weigh everything on an ongoing basis.

      1. I agree with all of this. I had a tough childhood in a lot of ways (while it was a very privileged childhood in others), and my parents both made some decisions that I would never, ever, ever want to reenact. I think it’s possible to mindfully choose another path, but at the same time, you have to be self-aware enough to know that there are other options and to be able to identify some of your own blind spots.

   6. “One thing you who had a secure or happy childhood should understand about those of us who did not: we who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all cost or seem to seek them, who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic and above all else, survivors, we’re not that way from perversity, and we cannot ‘just relax’ and ‘let it go.’ We’ve learned to cope in ways you never had to.”
      — Piers Anthony

      1. Wow…. Thank you for posting this.

         So very true.

      2. Yes but… that’s not an argument for the OP to pursue the relationship. He’s hard a hard time, but she’s not the prize for having endured and adapted.

         1. I think this is an argument that OP should realize he knows himself, his family, and his situation better than she does. She thinks that because she had an easy childhood she knows how to be an adult better than he does, but he’s already learned so much that she never even had to study.

            1. There’s two kinds of people who grew up with hard childhoods (my own theory). The ones you find out and say, “wow, so that’s how they became such strong, independent, and capable adults,” and the ones you find out and say, “wow, so that’s how they got so messed up.”

               Then there’s the kids with great childhoods about whom you say, “huh, how did they get so messed up?” and the ones about whom you say, “well, that explains why they’re so well-adjusted.”

               TLDR: Childhood is just part of life. It affects us all differently.

   7. My husband had a very gothic childhood (dad in prison, mom bi-polar…). It made him the resourceful, generous, self-reliant, empathetic person that he is now. His siblings are all, understandably, disasters.

   8. A few questions you can ask yourself (and be on the lookout for answers to) as the relationship progresses:

      1. What’s his perspective on what he went through? Does he understand it? Understand that it’s not an okay way to run a family? Does his view seem balanced/adult, or are you still hearing echoes of the angry/sad/abandoned child in his voice when he discusses it?
      2. Does he aspire to do better in his own relationships? Is he actually doing better? (How does he respond to stress, how does he respond to conflict, how does he react to triggers, does he even know he has triggers, etc.)
      3. What work has he done to deal with all of this? Has he been to therapy? Studied a bit of psychology? Read a lot about the effects of family dysfunction on children, and/or how adult children of dysfunctional families can become functional adults?
      4. Are the two of you on the same page about how the relationship works? Do you agree about how to handle stress? Conflict? Do you share priorities? Is he willing to do the emotional work to meet you halfway, or is he trotting out his difficult childhood as an explanation whenever he fails to hold up his end of the relationship?

      A smart kid from a dysfunctional family can “muscle through” a certain amount of dysfunctional behavior to assemble the semblance of a functional life as an adult, but if you haven’t dealt with the underlying issues, it will be extremely hard to maintain that functionality in an intimate relationship.

      I’ve said this on this site before, and I’ll say it now again – a relationship is not a house. You do not build extra equity by taking on a fixer-upper. With that said, if he’s done the appropriate self-examination and self-care and dealt with the effects of his childhood, he may not actually *be* a fixer-upper (dysfunctional childhood doesn’t automatically mean dysfunctional adult, especially if there’s been intervening therapy/self-examination/etc.).

      Whatever happens, when you’re evaluating the relationship, focus on how you and he are working together right now, in the moment. If he’s being a bad partner to you, the why of it all doesn’t really matter – he’s just not a good partner for you. You need to make your decision about whether or not to continue the relationship based on how he acts towards you and with you right now, not based on why he acts the way he acts or how he might act in the future if he got help or whatever. A bad fit is a bad fit – there’s no moral imperative to stay with someone who is a bad fit just because their lack of fitness is due to a sympathetic reason.

   9. I think it depends on how he handles himself and how he allows his childhood to affect him as an adult. Every man I seriously dated had issues from his childhood, drugs, financial issues, illness, emotional abuse. Does he use his past as a crutch to set lower goals for himself? Does he make a conscious successful attempt to avoid alcohol/drugs? I think it is all about how he handles himself now. Unfortunately, you cannot know that after only 2 months. If you think the relationship is worth the time and effort, then see how it goes. In my experience, potential red flags only grow to serious red flags and bright exit signs!

      1. This is really good advice I think – it depends on how he deals with it now. I’ve dated two guys whose fathers are awful, abusive people. The way my ex dealt with it was (or should have been a red flag) – he just shut down and was really angry about it, 10-15 years later and refused to deal with his anger issues. My current boyfriend also has a deadbeat dad but the way he views it is so different. He’s not jaded, he sees his dad for exactly who he is but isn’t angry about it. You can tell a lot by the way they talk about it and how it still affects them.

         I agree – two months isn’t enough time to make a complete assessment. If you like him and things are going well, I would keep dating him but keep this in the back of your mind and see if any red flags are triggered.

   10. This? “What resources would you recommend?
       How can I best direct our conversations to be a good influence on his life?”

       Stop it. Stop it right now. You aren’t his therapist and you shouldn’t be his mommy. Date him. Get to know him. Listen to him, and hear him. Talk about things the way you would in any relationship- how do you feel about that? What do you want in the future?

       Your “job” in dating isn’t to help him or guide him or be a good influence. It’s to figure out if you want to be with the man he is now. Try really hard to avoid sensationalizing his childhood- yeah it sucked. It’s also over. Don’t indulge in the magical thinking of attributing every action to it.

       1. 100% agree. You are not in his life to rescue him and if either of you are in it for that reason, the relationship is unlikely to be a healthy one. Treat him like an adult, listen and be sympathetic and make sure he is doing the same for you.

       2. I have to agree with this. It’s only been 2 months. Whether he’s a person who is stable enough for you to be with over the long term is something that will reveal itself in time. Asking a lot of questions and reading books now might give you a sense of control over the situation, but it would be better for both of you if you can try to lean back a little.

       3. ” Try really hard to avoid sensationalizing his childhood- yeah it sucked. It’s also over. Don’t indulge in the magical thinking of attributing every action to it.”
          YES. THIS. THANK YOU. Especially- “it’s also over.”

       4. This. It seems you are tempted by the role of “fixer.” Just treat him like a person, and try, just as you would anyone else, to get to know him as thoroughly as you can as the adult he is today. I had a bumpy childhood that stuck with me into young adulthood, and my husband knew about the bumps and the lingering effects while we were dating – if he had come home with a bunch of books and therapy recs I would have felt so very judged and damaged. I promise you have your own quirks and issues, too – maybe even more than your boyfriend does because you haven’t been in a crucible to distill and identify them, and you haven’t had to overcome them.

   11. Judge your boyfriend for his current behavior not mythical future behavior. I know a lot of people who are messed up who don’t come from messed up families, and plenty of people from messed up families who aren’t at all messed up.

   12. It’s clear that you mean well, and are sincere in your concerns. As someone who grew up in a very tumultous environment (alcoholic and absent parents, lots of custody/divorce drama including being kidnapped more than once by the non-custodial parent, domestic violence, etc..) I have to say that if I were your partner I would feel you are a little condescending (although well-meaning). Particularly this comment: “How do you discern if someone who grew up in really challenging circumstances is someone who will thoughtfully create a good relationship/life, or end up repeating their parent’s patterns? . . . How can I best direct our conversations to be a good influence on his life?”

       I think you should just wait and see if problems come up just as you would with anyone else, rather than trying to reverse engineer or analyze the whys and wherefores. You “discern” it by seeing it. If BF is a jerk, don’t excuse it or cut him extra slack due to his childhood issues, and likewise don’t give him extra points for “good” behavior because “considering his background, it’s som impressive that he’s a well-adjusted person! ”

       Sort of like when you read an article about a wheelchair user who is annoyed by people constantly approaching them and saying how brave and strong they are. Obviously I am sure some people appreciate being treated that way and I don’t know your BF so who knows how he feels. But me personally, I just want to be treated like a person and not treated with “special handling,” whether good or bad, due to my experiences.

   13. “How do you discern if someone who grew up in really challenging circumstances is someone who will thoughtfully create a good relationship/life, or end up repeating their parent’s patterns? I’ll admit I’m a bit scared.
       What resources would you recommend?
       How can I best direct our conversations to be a good influence on his life?”

       1. Same way you determine if someone who grew up in a good home is going to be like their parents or be a spoiled brat: you examine their behaviour, willingness to improve themselves, level-headedness, and ability to be a stable partner.

       2. Er, what? You’ve been dating this guy for two months. You are too early in for a couples’ counselor, and he’s not your project, so you don’t need “Dating Adults who were Abused as Children for Dummies.” Date the guy. Get to know him. Learn about him. See how he handles conflict. See how he creates conflict (or doesn’t).

       Do not fix him up, treat him as a skittish house pet, or drag him to therapy. He’s a grown adult; treat him like one.

       3. It’s not your job to be a good influence in his life. Your job right now is to determine if you want to continue dating him. In about six months, you should start determining if you want to marry him. If he wants couples counseling or therapy and wants you to go at that point, your job is to go. Not. Your. Project.

   14. Do not. I repeat, DO NOT try to fix him or be his therapist. I dated someone for a year who was se*ually abused as a child (he told me about 2 or 3 months in) and despite being a very intelligent, caring, generous guy, he was incapable (his word when it all blew up at the end) of real emotional intimacy because he had never fully dealt with what happened to him. It was awful and sad and sent me into therapy myself to figure out why I tried for so long to be with someone who was not giving me the emotional intimacy I needed. I still care about him, but I have realized that he is ruining his own life at this point by refusing to get real help from a therapist. He will undoubtedly be alone forever.

       Maybe your boyfriend is totally different (I hope he is!), but do not make the same mistakes I did.

   15. Let’s ask the same question from your boyfriend’s perspective. How do I discern whether this person who had an easy, privileged childhood, had everything handed to her on a silver platter, and never had to deal with adversity of any type, is going to be a strong, resilient partner who will be able to withstand the storms of life, rather than a spoiled brat who will just crumble when the going gets tough?

       Sounds pretty ridiculous, right?

       1. +1. This.

       2. Snaps to that.

   16. Had a busy morning so I hope you see this – not that I have anything earth shattering to say, but something to add. I wish I had thought of all this when I was dating/engaged to my now ex-husband. He had a difficult childhood. His mother (who may not have ever wanted him) died when he was under 5. His father was not well-educated and a mess and moved him around from school to school and they lived in poverty, then his father married a woman who was both mean and ignorant. He was self-sufficient enough to get himself to college and grad school. However, there were a lot of residual issues and poor judgement and some repeating of his father’s mistakes (but on a different scale). Plus dealing with the fact that his parents and brother were living in poverty while we were solidly middle class but without the resources to help them. He went to therapy for a long time, but I wish I had understood all of this and the fallout before we were married. I couldn’t see the red flags when we got married (None of this was apparent), but he struggled with authority and couldn’t keep a job, he was constantly searching for some kind of familial/ancestral connection, and is a serial marry-er/cheater. I had known him since high school, thought I knew him well enough at 30, but I wasn’t asking the right questions or having the right conversations. You sound like you are much better prepared to deal with this than I was and you are asking the right questions. He may be a great guy and all is well. But certainly be aware of the issues he’s dealing with and go to couples therapy if you get serious.

6. Suggestions for a magazine version of “Lean In” or “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office?”

   I’m looking for a gift subscription for a junior in college who has professional aspirations but not a lot of good role models of female professionals.

   She has been gifted “Lean In” and received two years of Kiplingers Personal Finance magazine (freshman and sophomore year).

   Now it’s time for a new magazine subscription. Any ideas?

   1. At the risk of getting a +1 from Ellen, I have to say…Marie Claire is more and more work-oriented lately. It honestly might not be a bad choice for this young woman. Every single issue has a long section of work-related interviews with professional women, work clothing suggestions that usually aren’t insane, and data about women’s work issues such as discrimination and pay inequity. Plenty of the material is so “aspirational” that I think it’s a bit unrealistic, but I had exactly the same reaction to much of Lean In. For someone early in her career with not many real-life role models and not much advice, it would provide some. It also makes clear in a very concrete way that being feminine and into fashion (and whatever else you’re into) is in no way incompatible with being serious about your career.

   2. Conde Nast Traveller. For inspiration and increasing cultural capital knowledge. Plus it’s more fun than The Economist. O the Oprah magazine also has some good work advice going on.

7. This is just a question of curiosity: I’ve always wanted to be CEO/CTO of a company (since I was a very young girl) and am only two years out of college with a degree in electrical engineering. I work as a software/firmware engineer now and have often wondered at how you get from engineer to management, and up to the higher echelons of a company. What are some steps I should take to prepare myself? How do I get into management? Or, should I even consider management?

   I know much of it is who you know, but my team is very anti-social. My office is so quiet, you could hear people dropping pens.

   1. What about developing those skills in a leadership role in a professional organization. Isn’t IEEE in your discipline?

   2. You need to take responsibility for things. Team lead, initiative owner, project management, product management, program management, etc. You will need to manage people, but you want to manage things that do well and generate revenue. Step 1 should be getting a mentor at your company. They can help you get initial positions to start from.

   3. To be a CEO of anything other than a small business, you’re likely going to need a business degree at some point. I would focus on charging as hard as you can at your current role for a couple years- volunteer, speak up, make suggestions. And then reevaluate what you want.

      1. Really? All my college friends who studied engineering are now in management w/o an MBA, though none are CEO. Are MBA degrees so highly valued? My impression is they’re not worth the $ unless from a very top flight program.

         1. To be a CEO, you’ll need an advanced degree in 90% of cases.

         2. In order to get to top management, some type of business training is usually needed, whether formally through an MBA or informally through a lot of mentoring and individual training classes. At a minimum, you need to learn to see things from a “does this make financial/economic sense” perspective

            Did you ever take any econ/business classes in undergrad? If not, I’d start there – you could take an intro level course online or through a local state school/community college. Project management training would also be valuable.

            Does your employer have annual or more frequent reviews where you talk to your boss about your career path and goals? Can you ask him/her how they got to where they are now?

         3. But you said you wanted to be a CEO? So go get a top flight MBA.

   4. Oh Young One. Hear it from a Middle (I am not yet an Old even though I feel like one), you will get pushed into management whether you like it or not. Unless you’re too good or really bad at your job.

      Fancy grad school may be an option but I would only recommend it to someone who has a discrete goal. At this point in your career, I would say wait a little bit. And get it paid for (you should never pay for a STEM degree if you’re a woman but I understand the rules are different in the medical field). But I will say that a masters degree in your field and/or management will eventually become necessary.

      To move on up, you have to be excellent at your job and everyone else’s job, too. At the very least, an understanding of all of the puzzle pieces and how the cogs fit together. Furthermore, you should be networking inside and outside of your organization. When you have meetings, esp one-on-one meetings, strike up conversations with your colleagues. If a bunch of you are leaving a meeting at the same time, bring up an interesting article sort of tied to the discussion. You should be doing tons of research – Young People freshen up the field.

      Also, engineering has a $hitton of professional organizations. IEEE, SWE, ITS, etc etc etc etc. Go forth and conquer.

      1. Also, politics. As you move up, corporate politics is likely to play a larger and larger role in what roles you get. At many places (most?), just doing good work will not necessarily get you the outcome you want to achieve.

   5. I am not sure if you are still looking for answers. Let me write my perspective. I work as an engineer in a large corporation. I also had a stint of two years as a firmware engineer. The CTOs in our company are the ones who have tons of patents, lead the change in the industry, most of the time have a doctorate and have done considerable research. They have breadth and depth in the technology are they work in. They also have people skills and ability to navigate the politics not only in the company but also in the industry and push their ideas and agendas. I am not sure if they have management degrees though, but looking at the amount of work they do, it getting a management degree should not be a big deal for them. They also typically have 25 – 30 years of work experience become CTO for 5 – 6 years and then retire.

      So I guess the first step in becoming a CTO is to innovate and get patents. Then you have to take up leadership positions and should be able to convince the people that you idea is the best, implement those ideas or get people to implement them and then prove that they are indeed the best way to do that thing.

   6. Not sure if you’re still reading, but I thought I’d throw in my two cents. I just attended a panel for women in the electronics industry, and one of the panelists had the following advice about how to climb the ladder and succeed (it was told to her by her mentor when she joined the company where she is now a VP): Step one – Perform well on a team involved in a challenging task. Step two – Successfully lead a team in a challenging task. Step three – Come up with your own challenging task.

8. One of my friends has a birthday coming up, coinciding with a long trip to the beach. I’d like to get her a book but her favorite beach-read genre is a little outside of my wheelhouse. Has anyone read a good mystery recently? Preferably something that hasn’t been out for too long.

   I can contribute a resounding recommendation for The Royal We in return. I’ve still got a few chapters to go but it’s hilarious.

   1. I just read two good, fun thrillers that I’d recommend. Girl on the Train (came out last year, she may have read it already) and Luckiest Girl Alive (very recently released, not as good, but still entertaining and fairly well-written, for what it was).

   2. I’ve heard good things about Steven King’s latest detective novel, Mr. Mercedes. I haven’t read it myself though.

   3. Luckiest Girl Alive by Jessica Knoll

   4. Fatal Inquiry by Will Thomas — the main characters are modeled after Sherlock Holmes & Watson (and in the same late 1880s London), but with their own twist. The whole series is very enjoyable.

      It c ame out last year? A few years ago? 1222 by Anne Holt. A “locked room” mystery like “10 Little Indians” by Agatha Christie, but set in today’s time. A train gets stuck in Norway and passengers must stay at a hotel until the snow clears. And people keep getting murdered.

   5. Elin Hilderbrand’s books are good beach reads. They are set in Nantucket. There are some fun cozy mystery series that she might enjoy. Hat Shop, Devereaux’s Dime Store, Cupcake Bakery, Donut Shop, etc.

   6. Just read the Swimmer by Joaquim somebody it was great.

   7. Thanks all!

9. Wow, it looks like there’s either a major issue with commenting or we have a reader exodus. Where is everyone going? Is it due to the lack of realistic advice here?

   1. Well, if everyone’s leaving, they aren’t going to be here to answer your question, so you’ll be stuck with speculation and realistic answers.

   2. I think it’s a major issue with commenting… who knows if people are reading silently/not participating, or leaving altogether. I know that I cannot post any original comments and my replies take forever to show up. It’s no longer my go-to s!te anymore.

   3. Aside from whoever it is keeps coming here every day to say this, you mean. ;)

      1. No, the people who have been following this s!te for years know that there used to be nearly 200 comments consistently in the AM and maybe a bit less in the PM. PM posts are struggling to hit even 50.

   4. You may have to refresh the page a time or two to get all the comments to load. The tech issues are off-putting/unworkable for some. I haven’t seen a dramatic shift in the advice, but have noticed a bit more anonymous snark.

      1. +1, especially that last part. I still check back in daily because I know Kat will have these tech issues sorted out eventually, but it’s been a lot choppier and a lot snarkier lately. When you combine that with the feeling that there are more anonymouses than named folks these days, it just feels like stepping onto a bus or metro car and having a bunch of strangers jump into polite conversation only to say something rude.

         I went anon for this because I’ve been snarked at for pretty innocuous things lately, and it was just annoying.

10. What are your routines in the morning that you’re proud of — what helps you get sh!t done? I keep reading about how morning routines are key.

    1. I really like to hang out and listen to the radio or watch the Daily Show in the mornings. Sipping my coffee while I do this wasn’t realistic, so now I have a tradition where I can only watch the Daily Show if I’m cleaning my kitchen/emptying the dishwasher/folding laundry.

       I also have really strict time markers that I stick to. I have to be in the shower by X time. I have to have my hair done by x time and if it’s not right I put it up in one of my go-to 5 second hairdos.

       Another major thing that keeps my life on track is that I have an ‘in case of emergency’ outfit in my closet at all times. For me, this is a sheath dress with a jacket and it’s one of those items I always find flattering and can dress it up or down. This has saved me more than once, especially in the case of spilling coffee or makeup on myself or realizing that the dressed down outfit you had is totally not appropriate for the board meeting you’re supposed to be attending today.

       1. Wow. It sounds like a no-brainer, but I have honestly never thought of the “in case of emergency” outfit. I love that and need to do it! Once in a while I get inexplicably bogged down by outfit choice when I am in a hurry. (Perhaps hearkening back to the days when I was a kid and my mom said when the bus came early I would literally spin in circles because I couldn’t decide whether to put on my shoes, put on my coat, or get my backpack first.)

    2. – I know how long each thing I have to do takes me to do.
       – If we are running in the morning, I leave my workouts clothes on the floor by my bed before I go to sleep
       – I make a list of everything I have to do the next day before I go to sleep
       – I have the same thing for breakfast everyday and we keep the ingredients well-stocked
       – I do everything in the same order each morning (including the order in which I do things inside the shower).
       – I keep everything in the same place all the time.

       This sounds so rigid and harsh, but really it leaves a lot of space open in my mind to focus on other stuff because the basics are on autopilot.

    3. I try to get up with way, way more time than I actually need to get ready (note: this does not always happen!) so I can have a relaxing morning and dawdle a bit while getting ready.

       In an ideal world, I’d work out before work. I’ve been doing some of the PopSugar workouts and workouts from Penelope Loves Lists blog (all are free and available online, and most require next to no equipment), and they’re intense!

       My shower/hair/makeup routine is pretty standard. Nothing exciting to report there.

       Like Clementine, I have backup outfits that make me feel confident in mind so I can avoid that “what will I wear today” feeling. I usually listen to NPR while getting ready and a podcast on my commute to work.

       I like to eat breakfast as soon as I get to work because it helps me stay full longer and eat lunch a little later in the day (plus, I’m rarely hungry when I first wake up, but by the time I get to my desk, I’m starving!). Lately I’ve been eating a mix of plain Greek yogurt, cinnamon Quaker oat squares, and berries (1 cup of each). On Mondays, I bring a tub of Greek yogurt to the office with a pint or two of berries. Then all I have to do is bring a cup of cereal in a plastic bag each day (which I try to pack in advance).

    4. Roll out of bed after snoozing for a half hour, frantically get dressed in something that doesn’t need ironing and rush to work with coffee in hand.

       1. Yasssss. This.

    5. It’s an oldie but a goodie: I choose and organize my outfits for the upcoming week over the weekend, so that everything’s together and ready to go on Monday morning. Gives me a little more time to linger with my tea and morning paper/GMA.

       1. This is my lifesaver. It means I can be up and out very quickly, compared to hemming and hawing in front of my closet (which still happens sometimes if I’m not ‘feeling’ my pre-selected outfit).

          1. YES THIS. I check the weather Sunday evening, pick out my outfits for the week, and every night, I put the next morning’s outfit in the bathroom so the first thing I have to do in the morning is roll myself into the bathroom and shut the door.

    6. The key to me was to give up trying to have a morning routine and to embrace a night routine instead. So before I go to bed I shower, pack my lunch, and lay out my clothes. This way in the morning I can just get up, get dressed, feed the cat, brush my teeth, grab my lunch, and be out the door in about 12 minutes. I also eat breakfast at work since I normally get in around 6:30am.

       1. This.

          If I don’t do things at night, they don’t get done.

    7. I am NOT a morning person. My old routine I would calculate down the second what the latest time was I could get up and get to work. The result was I got into work grumpy, feeling rushed, and hated life.

       To kick myself out of the pattern, Is tarted getting ready for the night before–I lay out my outfit for the next day, pack lunch/snacks, and make sure my office-swipe card is in a place I can actually find it.

       Now I wake up good and early. I wake up, have a cup of coffee, and I take my dog for a good walk (at least 40 minutes). I come home, have breakfast on the balcony, and sip some lemon water.

       I come back in, make the bed, then get showered and ready to go. I usually breeze into work 10 minutes early, and I find myself more cheery and productive.

    8. -Make sure all wardrobe items are clean after last wear and are pressed and ready to go in the closet.
       -Plan what I’m going to wear for the whole week, including shoes and plan for meetings and out of office events.
       -Check weather report and traffic report while waiting for tea kettle
       -Make/pack lunch the night before.
       -Prepare breakfast ahead of time, whether it’s premade mini crustless quiche muffins, yogurt/granola or hard-boiled eggs and take with to eat at the office
       -Always put carkeys, transit pass, office cardkey, sunglasses, jewelry in assigned spot because otherwise I’ll spend time looking
       -Get gas on the way home
       -Found a dry-shampoo that I like and have multiples so I don’t run out
       -Drink tea while getting ready so I get some caffeine!

    9. I bought a plastic gadget to cook an egg, breakfast sandwich-style, in the microwave. I toast sandwich thins at the same time. Making breakfast takes literally one minute and I walk out the door with the sandwich in my hand. One brand name for the gadget is Chef Buddy microwave egg cooker.

       Every other part of my morning is a mess, but I have finally got a breakfast habit.

    10. Everything about my day goes better if I drag my rear out of bed and spend the first half hour of my day quietly drinking coffee while watching the news/browsing the interwebs.

    11. Clothes for the week planned and ironed on the weekend. Lunches for all packed on the weekend. Same thing for breakfast daily. Precise routine so that I can do it on autopilot. Husband on kid duty because I am out the door as they start to wake. We are lucky now that we can afford help for the Sunday afternoon prep but to be honest, it’s been my routine since my first job. Like the idea of back-up outfits because kids are amazingly capable at getting clothes sticky.

11. I know that folks are always looking for easy dinner ideas, so I wanted to contribute a recently re-discovered old favorite, salsa chicken. Basically, you just take chicken, braise it for as long as you’ve got in a jar of salsa, and serve it over rice. My mom always did it in the slow cooker, and I think that that’s literally all that she did (so it’s a great fix-it-in the slow cooker before work dish, since it takes literally a minute to prep), but here’s how we’ve been doing it:

    One package of boneless, skinless chicken thighs (4-5 thighs), salt & pepper and brown on both sides in a dutch oven with a little veggie oil (I don’t think that my mom browned it, so you can probably skip this step). Pour a 24 oz jar of medium-heat salsa over (I’m sure that you could use any salsa you like here, though I would stay away from going too hot because there’s a lot of it), add a little water, bring to a boil, cover and simmer 1-4 hours (I think that you need at least 2 to get it tender and falling apart, or you can slow cook it all day). Serve over rice. (I’m sure that you could serve it with any grain that you like, particularly to up the healthiness, if you want.)

    Super-easy, pretty cheap, reasonably healthy, family friendly (as long as your family likes spicy things – my 2 yr old had 2 bowls, despite being nearly impossible to feed lately) and really, really tasty.

    1. Sounds yummy. This is my kind of cooking. Thanks for the tip, Lyssa.

    2. Yum! I want to make this. Thanks!

    3. I’ve made something similar and it is delicious. I usually put chicken breasts in the crockpot and add salsa. I also add a can of black beans and some corn also. Shred the chicken when it’s done and serve over rice, with bread, or just eat by itself. Super easy and tasty.

       1. We also do something similar and add black beans and/or corn, although I tend to use a can of enchilada sauce or similar instead of salsa. The chicken has more flavor if you cut it into smaller pieces first, but it works if you just throw in the whole breasts or thighs and let it go. I make huge crockpots full of it, then drain, shred and freeze in small portions for burritos, quesadillas or nachos. My kids will eat just about anything wrapped in a tortilla and called “burritos”.

          If you want to feel a little bit more like you are “cooking” sometimes I throw in the ingredients in this enchilada sauce (with less water) in the slow cooker instead of canned sauce. http://www.food.com/recipe/mexican-enchilada-sauce-109685

          Pro-tip I may have learned here – you can shred a full crockpot’s worth of chicken in a kitchenaid mixer in just a minute or two.

    4. This also works well with a bottle of bar-b-q sauce.

    5. I make this and add black beans and frozen corn. Separately I make a pot of rice. I make burritos with the chicken mixture, a little rice, and cheese. They get wrapped individually and put in the freezer for emergency lunches or dinners when I don’t feel like cooking.

12. I had a totally crap, dysfunctional, messed up childhood. My family continues to be a huge mess. I’m not going to get into the details, but it sounds similar to your boyfriend’s situation. Drugs, abuse, vitriol, etc. I consider myself a well-adjusted, highly functional adult. My siblings fall all over the spectrum from totally functional, awesome people to completely messed up, never-got-out-of-the-mire types. I think how you end up coming out of these situations is so individual, and you can’t make any blanket judgments. Some people react like me, and learn a bunch of valuable life lessons and do the opposite of their parents. Some people can’t navigate a way out. I don’t think there’s any reason to be scared. You’ll be able to figure out whether and to what extent he has issues (and whether you can deal with them) by spending time with him, just like any other relationship.

    1. Oops, that was for the poster above, obvs.

13. Does anyone know what I should expect to spend on day care in Fairfax County, VA (the Reston/Chantilly/Herndon/Vienna areas roughly)? Planning a move and trying to get a sense of what our monthly expenses would be. Interested in price range for infant to 5 years old. Nanny cost estimates also appreciated! Thanks in advance!

    1. This is not so helpful because we’re in DC, but we pay $2,000/month for a full time toddler program. A friend sends her child to the Reston YMCA for daycare and has said it’s reasonably priced and they really like the program.

       1. Thanks!

    2. I’d highly advise you not to get sucked into any conversation threads on it that are unrelated to your current question, but you might find useful info on dcurbanmom. Be forewarned that if you think the snark here is bad, the level there is off the charts, but there are useful pieces of advice from locals nevertheless.

       1. Thank you!

    3. I’m a little closer in, but look at Bright Horizons fee information from centers near your desired areas for a pretty realistic price schedule from newborn to 5. BH is one of the larger providers around here.

       Experienced nannies tend to go for $18 to $20/hr for 2 kiddos, and $15 to $17/hr for 1 kiddo (this includes employee taxes, but not employer taxes).

       1. Great, thank you!

14. wrong place

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