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Courthouse wedding
What would you do? To preface, I’ve decided to get married at the courthouse in a few weeks. My fiance likes the idea and our family is super small so nobody is upset by this.
The date we want is mostly booked(I honestly didn’t know courthouse appts. filled up so fast) so we have three options for the date we picked:
1. Early afternoon: Go to a mass ceremony at the courthouse, which beautiful and nearby.
2. Early afternoon: Go to a random chapel for private ceremony about 45 minutes away in the middle of nowhere.(chapel only allows for 4 witnesses, including photog)
3. Early afternoon: Go to a private ceremony at the courthouse the same day, but at an early/inconvenient time
Every option is less than ideal but I’m pulling my hair out and need another opinion. I prefer early afternoon so that I can get makeup done. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just push the date back? Has anyone else has a courthouse wedding? Help me out.
Anonymous
Option 3 – the awkwardness around the time won’t matter years later but it will be nice to not have the 4 witnesses restriction and you never know who you’ll get at mass ceremony.
Anonymous
adding that even with the change to early morning for option 3 I’d still do that. You can celebrate with a champagne brunch afterwards.
Courthouse wedding
*edit*
Option 3 should say “Early Morning”
Getting Married in the Morning
I got married in the morning on purpose so we could have brunch afterwards. Do not regret.
Mrs. Jones
This sounds like the best option to me.
Courthouse wedding
Ooh. Brunch is a great idea.
Wildkitten
I would do this on purpose.
anon in SV
+1 to early morning and brunch.
Ellen
Yay! Pricey Monday! I love pricey Monday’s but this schmatta is way to expensive for what it is, Kat! I love Ann Taylor but Rosa does NOT want to pay $550 for this, even if she can get it at Nordstrom’s today! Rosa say’s Rebecca Taylor is NOT related. FOOEY!
As for the OP, I think a courthouse wedding is cute. If I EVER find a guy, I will have the Judge Marry us, then have catered brunch at Per Se or some other suitable venue. My probelem is that I need for a guy to want me for more then 15 minutes of huffeing and puffeing. I think I get bored of men after that amount of time anyway, but one of these days I hope to find a real man interested in me for my mind, and NOT my body. DOUBEL Fooey! The weather is nice, so YAY to the HIVE!
Senior Attorney
Yes, do this! Wedding brunch is the super best!!
rosie
You can still get hair/makeup as long as you are willing to wake up a bit early. You should be able to find a stylist who can come to your house or open up the salon early for you. I think option 3 sounds better than the other two, and I don’t see the downsides as significant enough to push the date back if you want to get married sooner.
I guess one question is whether you have the option to get married at another courthouse in your state. Even though it would be more of a haul, you wouldn’t have the restrictions of the chapel and maybe would give you more date flexibility. I know people who got married at historic courthouses that was a bit further and then enjoy going back to that area for weekend trips later on.
Courthouse wedding
Our city court was booked so we called another city in our county which told us that we were outside of jurisdiction. We therefor assumed all other city courts would be the same. The courthouse I’m speaking of is our large county court. I didn’t think to look into other county courts. Thanks for the suggestion *im not in law and obviously had no idea how this stuff works*
rosie
I have no idea how it works in your state–you could very well be limited in which courthouse you can go to. Just thought of it as another option that could perhaps give you some flexibility.
Anonymous
Since you’re doing a courthouse wedding you’re not really beholden to a certain date, right? Find a date and time that works for you and do it then.
A mass ceremony sounds very unappealing to me.
Courthouse wedding
I agree that a mass wedding is unappealing. I’m probably kidding myself in considering it. The date had some personal significance but we may change. However, Thursday’s and Friday’s are pretty booked at the courthouse. I may need to accept that i can’t be picky about a last minute wedding.
Anonymous
If the date is meaningful too you, I’d stick with that as it will be your anniversary every year from now on.
trefoil
+1 — married on a monday because it was Leap Day.
Shopaholic
+1. If the date is meaningful, try to get married on that day. I love the idea of a morning wedding and a champagne/boozy brunch!
Blonde Lawyer
What about getting a justice of the peace and getting married at another public or semi-public location like that person’s office, a park, a chapel.
Courthouse wedding
I’ll definitely look into that. Finding a nice park would be easy but foull weather planning would be more difficult. I’ll start looking people up today. Thanks for the suggestion.
Anonymous
In my state, a notary public can marry people.
Courthouse wedding
I didn’t think about notaries. Thanks.
Anonymous
Option 3. Book an early makeup time.
anon
I got married at a courthouse at 11am, had lunch afterwards with our small party, and dinner just with newly DH afterwards. I was in hair and makeup at 7am. I would not change a single thing at all.
MDMom
Do you plan to have more than 4 people there? If not, then 2. If yes, then 3 and brunch afterwards.
Courthouse wedding
we planned to have exactly 4 (our parents) meaning one of them would have to take ceremony photos. They’d all do a hilariously bad job tbh. If we go to courthouse we can add step parents and siblings, which isn’t super important to us but might be a nice option.
Anonymous
Option 3. We got married at a courthouse in the early morning and went to a lovely brunch afterwards, just us, with my 2 witnesses (2 dear friends) and a witnesses’ child. It was very fun and intimate. The brunch place remembered us and always gave us treats on the house when we’d return.
CHJ
How early is early? I got married in a similar ceremony (courthouse, only 4 guests) at 9:30 in the morning, and I loved it! I had a hair & makeup stylist come to my house beforehand, and she did hair & makeup for my mom and me over coffee and croissants. And after the ceremony, we did champagne and cake in a nearby park, and then a nice lunch. It was really lovely and personal and a fantastic option for an introvert like me!
Also, if you wanted to, you could probably hire a photographer and get a decent deal for a few hours of photography. Most photographers are not booked on weekday mornings and would be happy to do a small package.
Bonnie
Option 3. You’re probably going to wake up early anyway so book an early morning makeup session. Take photos after the ceremony and then have a nice brunch/lunch with your family. If you want to do something special in the afternoon, maybe book a couples massage?
Courthouse wedding
Thanks everyone for the awesome suggestions! I have decided to go with option 3(I’ll research justice of the peace and notary options this week). Many of the weddings mentioned here as examples sound so intimate and perfect.
Anonathon
Just FYI: in some states, you can get married by a “civil officiant,” meaning you can have a friend or family member fill out a form and maybe pay a $25 fee and they are licensed for the day of your wedding to perform a legal ceremony. I’ve done this for friends in both MA and DC, and I didn’t even have to get ordained online :)
Anonymous
I have this problem where my cardigans are falling off my shoulder and leaving an (unflattering and I think unprofessional) gap of skin between the edge of my sleeveless dress and the edge of the cardigan. This happens less if I scrunch up the sleeves of the cardigan but I want to have the sleeves rolled down for warmth, and I don’t like the look of a buttoned cardigan. Suggestions? Do I just need to buy new/higher quality cardigans? Mine are old and mostly from Target (but not pilling or otherwise showing wear).
Anonymous
Your cardigans don’t fit. Either they are too small or stretched out and too big. Buy new ones.
Diana Barry
Are you petite or have narrow shoulders? I would try getting some better cardigans that hold their shape on your shoulder more (which may mean trying different sizing options and brands).
Jitterbug
Did they have a wide neck when you got them, or did they stretch out over time? In any case, I’d buy some new ones.
Also, if you air-dry cardigans, you should be laying them out on mesh drying racks, not hanging them up. Hanging sweaters of any kind can cause them to stretch out. I made this mistake a lot in my early years.
Sus
I would guess that you have narrow or sloping shoulders, which is why cardigans fall off them all the time.
If you want to make a quick fix to a cardigan you can sew or pin a small pleat in the back of the neckline of the cardigan. I have narrow sloping shoulders, so I do that will a lot of my wide neck or scoop neck shirts.
I am also petite, so I’ve learned to buy a petite-sized cardigan, which fits my shoulders better. I also find that raglan sleeve cardigans fit better than regular cuts.
Constant Reader
I’d get new cardigans, but in the meantime, the answer is Hollywood fashion tape strips (Ulta always has it, as well as other places and online).
big orange drink
I am super late to this thread, but just wanted to chime in to say that I have Merona cardis from Target and they do the same thing! I keep them because I can’t find that v-neck style anywhere else and they are fairly durable. No suggestions – I readjust the shoulders throughout the day. I feel your pain.
anon
Another wedding question for Monday morning. My boyfriend and I have been talking about what kind of wedding we’d want, and we both feel strongly that we want a big party with all of our family, friends, and loved ones celebrating with us. I have a small nuclear family, but am lucky to have a lot of wonderful friends, surrogate aunts, and stand-in siblings; my boyfriend has a big family, a tight group from high school, and a collegiate sports team. So no matter how you slice it, we’re looking at a big guest list to get all of the people we care about there with us.
The problem is our budget, which is very much cake and champagne in the church reception hall. Our families are not in a position to contribute substantially, and while we have a comfortable combined income there’s no way it’s getting us to a sit-down dinner + open bar for a minimum of 120 guests…unless we take on debt, stop contributing to retirement, or make similar poor financial decisions. We would have a beautiful, mostly-free place to host something on centrally-located family property, and we would both love something that just felt like an upscale farm party with an after-dinner ceremony, drinks, dessert, and dancing, but then I feel like asking people to travel and not feeding them dinner would raise a lot of eyebrows.
I know I’m getting ahead of myself since we aren’t even engaged yet (although we’re definitely in it for the long haul at this point), but this is something that I’ve been wondering about more and more, especially as our friends are getting married: how the hell do people afford to do this at all, if they don’t have family money, don’t work in investment banking, can’t cut the guest list, and don’t want to elope?
mascot
You have to make some tough choices. Figure out where you can save money. Have cheaper food and drink, have a smaller guest list, don’t spend on flowers/music/decorations, etc. You figure out your budget, figure out your non-negotiables and work from there.
Anonymous
The answer to your last question is that many people do have family money, make poor financial decisions to pay for a wedding, elope, or cut the guest list, even if it’s painful.
You are very smart not to raid your retirement accounts or take on debt for this. Your future selves will thank you. I would go with the family property, which saves a good chunk of change. I do think you need to feed people a meal, but it doesn’t have to be a fancy or extravagant one. Doing brunch or lunch can be significantly cheaper than dinner, but is still socially acceptable. Brunch also makes alcohol a lot less expected. You can just do a champagne toast or one mimosa (or glass of wine if it’s lunch) per guest, you don’t need to have an open bar (I don’t think an open bar is ever required, but it’s certainly more expected at a formal, evening wedding). If you’re not even engaged yet, I’d also start saving a little bit each month now – hopefully by the time you actually need to plan a wedding there will be a nice chunk of money set aside.
anon OP
We love to dance and I just don’t see our crew getting down on the dance floor at 1pm, but we also love brunch…I guess that’s a possibility.
Anonymous
They aren’t getting down to dance without a meal either.
Anonymous
We had an 11 am ceremony, a large lunch with poured wine (but no open bar) and tons of people got on the dance floor after lunch! The venue had to shut down the party at 4:30 pm, which was the end of our rental.
Ai
Serve BBQ
the gold digger
I don’t agree that you need to feed everyone a meal. My friend from book club and her fiance’ chose to have all their friends and family and have just cake and punch (no dancing) at the church after rather than a smaller group with more extravagant hosting.
You get to decide your priorities, of course, but this ceremony and celebration were lovely and I thought it was just fine. I didn’t feel like it was somehow not truly a celebration just because there was no meal. I thought, “Here are two adults on their second marriages (she is divorced, he is widowed) who would rather be surrounded by everyone than have to exclude people.”
AKB
Respectfully disagree. You have to feed people. Cake and punch are — meh. You can omit flowers, fancy stationary, beautiful venues, expensive linens, etc., but I think omitting food is nonsense. If you cannot afford to feed people, then you should not invite them.
No no no
+1. I think it’s extremely rude to invite people to a wedding that takes place during meal time and not offer a meal. Especially when you’re considering that there will be children there (assuming you invite kids), elderly, people spending so much money to travel to your wedding, etc. Even something really simple like big trays of lasagna, salad, and garlic bread would work. But you must feed you guests, and not skimp on the food either.
Anonymous
+2 It blows my mind that some people think you can have a wedding and not feed people. I am a huge fan of low budget weddings and some of my favorite weddings have been low budget affairs in people’s backyards or no-frills catering halls. You can cut everything else, but you have to give people food and it can be done for way less than $80 a person, especially if you have a free venue.
Anonymous
Cake and punch in the church hall in the afternoon is fine. But here she’s saying at night, no meal, drinking, and dancing. Not ok.
Senior Attorney
+1 to this.
You want to have your wedding at 10 a.m. or 2 p.m. and have cake and punch in the church hall? Perfect. No problem.
But if it’s at meal time you must feed them.
I suppose you could do very late at night, after dinner, and make it clear that it’s just drinks and dancing. But then you have a bunch of drunk people which is not good at all. And hors d’oeuvres can be every bit as expensive as a meal.
anon
Yeah I agree. You have to do it at a non-meal time. Just tell people what to expect so they know to eat before they come or decline if they have an issue with it.
I don’t think you’re limited to morning or afternoons. There was a feature on APW about a late night wedding with dancing and cake and champagne. You can totally start your wedding at 8 or 9 p.m. if you want dancing.
Anon
Woah. You have a blog solely dedicated to complaining about your in-laws, who aren’t even alive anymore? Yikes.
Anonymous
I clicked over because of your comment – it’s totes cray cray over there.
Anonymous
Same. It’s a little scary.
And also -
Particularly since she’s referenced before that her husband is running for office. Bad press. It’s a thing.
CountC
No comment on the contents of TGD’s blog, but it’s been around for a LONG time. I don’t think it’s a secret.
Mrs. Jones
I don’t know! We couldn’t have afforded our relatively modest wedding if our parents hadn’t paid for most of it. One idea is get married at a courthouse then have a big party to celebrate. Once you remove the word “wedding” from an event, things are a lot cheaper.
Anonymous
Not really!
Anonymous
This. When I planned my wedding, it was based on the services provided – not the event. You can ask for a full list of all vendor services to see their range of prices and ask questions about why they differ for weddings if they do.
Gail the Goldfish
Yea, I always assumed this was true until I saw my firm’s budget for our holiday party (which we hold in February, not near the actual holidays). I’m sure there’s some markup on weddings, but it turns out it’s just expensive to buy food and alcohol for a lot of people.
anon
Agreed. Ime the reason weddings are usually more expensive is because they last longer. My firm’s holiday party lasts ~3 hours – enough time for drinks, apps, and dinner, but not really dancing after. A typical wedding lasts 5 hours. Both events might have the same amount of food, but you still have to pay for alcohol and staff for those extra hours, plus overtime pay if applicable.
Jitterbug
“Once you remove the word “wedding” from an event, things are a lot cheaper.”
Please be careful about this! Vendors who are told something is a “party” only to find out their product or service is actually for a wedding can get a little cranky about being mislead. For venue managers and caterers, they want to pull out all the stops to make your wedding a special day; the stakes are higher and there tend to be more complications than, say, a retirement party, so being mislead may lead to them feeling understaffed or unprepared. Same goes for a band, photographer, etc. You may get away with misleading a florist, possibly even a baker, since their job is just to deliver a finished product, but even then, they may not feel great about it.
I’ll admit the wedding tax can be unnecessarily high at times, but there’s usually a reason why these companies charge extra.
anon OP
The cost of the ceremony would be negligible if we did it on my aunt’s farm–just chairs and an officiant. And we’d still be dragging everyone somewhere for a party anyway. As far as I can tell, the big-ticket items are going to be food, drinks, and event rentals no matter where the reception/party is.
the gold digger
One of the nicest weddings I have attended was a potluck in the groom’s mother’s back yard. If you already have family involved, that could be an option. I would not mind cooking something at all if I knew my relative/friend didn’t want to spend a lot of money she didn’t have but wanted to include everyone.
Anonymous
Oh god no. Pot luck for a wedding is incredibly rude. Do not do this.
Anonymous
Yes, please do not do this. You can have a backyard wedding with homemade food or food catered from the cheapest buffet catering service in town. Trust me, 120 guests for $10k is doable if you cut out all the frills and just provide your guests a meal and a place to party. But you have to feed your guests and not ask them to bring their own damn food.
CMT
This is a know your people thing. It is not always rude to have a potluck wedding. They’re very common in my small hometown and nobody ever bats an eye.
Jeffiner
Maybe only ask a few people who aren’t so…opinionated…to bring food? My grandmother and aunt are wonderful bakers, and they’ve made wedding cakes for friends before. I personally love making hors d’ouerves and would bring tons if asked.
I also think people’s expectations for what a wedding reception should entail are really regional. Some may see potluck as rude, others see it as quirky, or frugal, or intimate, or fun.
For my wedding, my fiance and I started buying things early. For example, each week or two, we’d buy a nice bottle of wine, and by the time our wedding rolled around we had plenty of wine for all the tables.
Jitterbug
Right, it’s not rude everywhere, but I’d only do it if you live in an area where it’s common, and your peers have done similar shindigs. In the Boston area where I’m from, I’m fine bringing a gift but I’d be a little put off if I was being asked to cook something as a condition for attending someone’s wedding.
That said, I did recently attend a wedding that was catered with a simple pizza buffet, and some people brought baked goods since the couple opted not to have a cake made
CC
Oh my goodness no. You can not have a potluck wedding. That is a great way to make everyone hate you and give them good poisioning. You can do a wedding for under 10k.
Food: 2500. Look for BBQ, Mexican, or a local Italian place that can do it for approx. 20/person including the disposables
Booze: 2000. Stick to just beer and wine and use disposable cups for the wine.
Tables and chairs: using the numbers from a DC area rental place: 15 round tables at 8.50 each is 127.5 plus folding chairs for 1.25 each is 150 plus tablecloths for 300
Dress and suit: 500 total. Davids bridal has 100 that are under 300 right now.
That leaves you a little over 4000 left for music, invites (use vista print) flowers (sams club) photography (look for a student or someone just starting out) cake rings and any other odds and ends.
it can be done!
anon
DH’s cousin had a potluck wedding. They’re both students, so they’re broke and likely to remain that way for some time. Everyone understood and was just happy to help them celebrate. I imagine your guests would have a different attitude if you’re two professionals, though.
Anonymous
I’m late to this, but in case OP is still reading – I think there is some wiggle room on the potluck issue. DH and I had a much smaller shindig (about 60), but we picked 5-6 people we know and love who are great cooks, had them pick simple recipes, and provided them with space and supplies to cook. Not exactly a potluck, but way cheaper than catering. We also provided wine, beer, and a champagne toast, and indicated through word of mouth that BYO hard liquor was fine. Both the cooking and booze situations worked with our venue (and it sounds like they might with yours?) and allowed us to spend resources elsewhere, like renting nice glassware. I’m sure many people will say this was tacky as hell, but the food and drinks at my wedding were great, we did not trash our financial future to pay for it, and almost five years later I still have people tell me mine was the favorite wedding they’ve been to.
TorontoNewbie
We had a midsized wedding (135 people) on a farm. Wedding was outside, reception was outside, we had a tent for the music and the dinner.
Reception: we bought oysters from a local fishmonger, hired someone they recommended to shuck them. One of the caterers poured the bubbly into glasses and then people lined up to get their shucked oysters and bubbly.
Dinner: We had a roast pig catered by a local BBQ place, they roasted it on site and brought salads / toppings / plates / cutlery and everything. They also did the clean up. At dinner we had coolers full of beer, pop, water, juice, and wine, people helped themselves.
We ordered pie from a bakery for dessert.
It was amazing. Happy to chat about how to do it yourself on a farm if you’re interested. We splurged on live music.
Because people couldn’t stay on the farm, we chartered a bus to the closest town.
Anonymous
I had this reception in 2007, substituting in another pig for the oysters. There was also a barn in case of rain, but it was a real barn (not a pinterest barn). Not sure what city people do.
anon OP
This is literally the dream, swapping in cake for pie because I’m at least that much of a traditionalist :) But if you don’t mind my asking, how much did this all cost? Our budget would be like…$10,000 if we really tightened our belts for literally everything else in our lives.
TorontoNewbie
Roughly (and I’m sure I’m missing something)
– $1000 for dress + shoes + makeup. Groom did get a new suit but he needed a new one for work anyways so I don’t count it in the budget. (The budget was $500, but what can I say. I love the shoes. Totally worth it because we had the flexibility)
– $600 for officiant + government costs
– $100 for flowers – I gave the money to my sister for seeds, she grew the flowers on her farm and we had them coming out of the walls. We put them in those big mason canning jars from my mother/sister’s collection. That was the extent of our décor.
– $4000 for food (as above). Even BBQs are expensive!
– $2500 for alcohol (we had so much beer left over, it was ridiculous. We got a local microbrewery to supply and they gave us a great deal. We only did bubby + wine + beer though.)
– $3000 for tent rental – I was shocked at how expensive tents are.
– $500 – photography. A really good friend who’s a photographer offered to do it as his present. We bought his plane ticket.
– $1500 – live music. We had two wonderful bands. My parents paid for the second one as their present.
– $500 – axe-throwing instructor at the reception.
As to how we did it – essentially I got a job during my three months off post bar exam and pre wedding / starting to work. I didn’t go on a huge post-bar trip. We’d also saved up, we didn’t do a honeymoon, and we prioritized what really mattered to us. That was good food/drinks, live music, and having the people we cared about. It didn’t look like a wedding off of Pinterest but that didn’t matter. You save up and you realize that you won’t have a wedding that looks like you dropped $30k on it.
Anonymous
+1 to spending on your shoes over your dress. I wear my shoes every year when we go out to dinner on our anniversary.
Anonymous
Axe-throwing and alky-hol. You is a brave woman!
FWIW, I did get a party insurance policy just in case.
TorontoNewbie
(Honestly, if what you’re saying is that your wedding would cost so much you’re tightening the belt in every other way, my advice is to wait until that’s no longer the case or scale back. They cost money, there’s no two ways about it.)
CMT
+1
Senior Attorney
Oh my gosh that sounds awesome!
cbackson
Unfortunately, the answer to how they afford it is typically by making just the bad financial decisions that you’re trying to avoid.
CC
You look at different styles. The one I just went to was BBQ with disposable plates and forks. It was delicious and fun and I know it was cheap. What is your budget? we can give more suggestions if we know what you are working with- 1k? 10k?
Veronica Mars
That’s what I want to do! An award-winning bbq place in my state offers catering for $10/pp to $20/pp (for everything including a non-cake dessert). Delicious and cheap.
anon OP
Max 10k.
Anonymous
That’s going to be really tight.
anon OP
Thanks for the helpful information, I had no idea that 10K was a small budget for a wedding!
Sorry if this comes across as snarky but literally the whole point of this post is “Help I have a tight budget.” So Anonymous at 10:24, I’m honestly curious, what would you do in my place? Not invite treasured friends and family? Not give anyone who isn’t married or engaged a +1, which could maybe get us under 100 people? Take out a loan?
Also…what universe do we live in that TEN. THOUSAND. DOLLARS. is a barely workable wedding budget.
Wildkitten
You are wanting to have a really large wedding. The way people make it work is by having fewer people at their wedding. It sucks.
Getting Married in the Morning
“Also…what universe do we live in that TEN. THOUSAND. DOLLARS. is a barely workable wedding budget.”
The kind of universe that has decided that cake and punch in the church hall is no longer an acceptable way to celebrate?
And that instead, you (general you, not YOU, OP) need a full sit down dinner, a live band, professional hair and makeup, a photo booth, a $4,000 photographer, a full open bar with top shelf liquor, a couture wedding gown, multiple destination bridal and bachelor& t t e events, and on and on and on.
As our cultural expectations of what a “normal” wedding should include have gotten higher and higher, so have our budgets.
Anonymous
$10,000 is a great workable wedding budget in our world! But it doesn’t buy you dinner and dancing and drinking for 120 people. So either yes, you figure out a way to invite fewer people, or you change the style of event, or you spend more.
Personally, with $10,000 I’d invite 40 people to a nice dinner, skip dancing, and have something very nice. Or you could have a BBQ and dancing but a cheap dress and no flowers and no photography and do your own hair and makeup. Idk why you are shocked by this.
cbackson
OP, for what it’s worth, I grew up in a church where essentially everyone but my family was very low-income – on public assistance, working poor, or struggling middle class. I went to a lot of lovely church basement wedding receptions. I know that’s not what you want to do, but I do want to offer assurance, as someone who’s been there, that your wedding will be a beautiful and happy occasion so long as you’re able to shut out what social media and the wedding-industrial complex tell you you *should* have and focus on what you *do* have.
When my brother got married, his wife’s parents paid for the wedding and they had a very low budget (and my brother and his wife were students still and didn’t have a lot to contribute). They did a wedding that was after the dinner hour at our church – I think the ceremony was at 8 PM, and they had a dessert reception with prosecco, beer, and wine following (note: it is important to clarify ON THE INVITATION that it is a dessert reception so people eat dinner prior).
We lit the church hall with Christmas lights and candles, and I did the music with Spotify playlists. There was a wedding cake, but not a huge one, and then they got a bunch of other cakes, pies, and cookies from a local bakery. There were also some savory snacks (e.g. cheese straws, cheese and charcuterie plate, etc.) They had 100+ people at the wedding. It’s still one of the loveliest weddings I’ve ever been too (and the pictures came out really beautifully, by the way). The younger people all went out bowling afterward (including the bride and groom in their wedding attire).
anon OP
@cbackson, your brother’s wedding sounds lovely. It’s just so overwhelming with weddings–I feel like no matter what choice you make, someone’s going to be furious. Cut the guest list by eliminating +1s? People are angry, I’ve seen the threads on here…and we’d want to give people +1s anyway because we really value and love our tribe. Keep the +1s but only offer dessert and snacks? People are angry that they don’t get a full meal, and then I’d also be worried about our drunk friends and family (because this is a boozy crowd) trying to make it home if we couldn’t afford a bus. I’m no Pinterest princess–I don’t need a $5,000 blog-ready photographer and a Say Yes to the Dress gown and a photo booth and decorations out the wazoo, and my boyfriend only cares about having the people he loves present for a fun party.
nutella
OP, I don’t know why you are mad at the posters here. People have given you solid advice – from changing the time so food isn’t expected, to cutting the guest list, to cutting non-essentials, to giving you line items of how they did it, to recommending public spaces, to offering solutions to buy in bulk, to offering alternatives to a sit-down dinner. You want 100+ guests and you want to only spend $10,000 and you want a fun party – people are giving you suggestions. It’s not the hive’s fault that entertaining and feeding (in some form because they are, after all, guests) costs money.
anon OP
@nutella, sorry if it’s coming across like I’m angry at people here–I’m not and I really appreciate the suggestions. It’s more that I’m angry that there’s no clear-cut path forward, and that there’s so much conflicting advice out there. Most people are saying, you must feed them dinner (or brunch)! But then others, like cbackson, are providing examples of lovely weddings where there wasn’t a full meal served; and then in the whole history of weddings, this whole three ring circus is such a new tradition anyway. Plus historically there have been so many threads on here with people who are so up in arms about not getting +1s, but then the other advice is to cut the guest list. I guess this makes me a horrible person, but for me, the +1s are going to get the axe before our actual friends and family members. We definitely have a lot to think about.
Miz Swizz
Our reception was about 10K for 100 people. That was the cost of renting the venue, catering and open bar. The ceremony was about $100 because we got married at a small chapel where we went to school and had a justice of the peace marry us. I bought my dress, hubby rented a tux and we paid for the photographer and ceremony. Dad paid for reception.
The cost to rent the venue included the space, all the tables/linens/tableware as well as the catered food (2 entrees and 4? sides, plus salad to start and cupcakes for dessert all buffet style), servers and open (beer and wine and margaritas) bar. We had a limit for the open bar and the catering staff were to ask my dad (who paid) if he’d like to extend it once we neared our limit or cut people off.
Our venue had you pay a deposit and then pay installments leading up to the day. This may help you pay since you don’t have to have everything at once. I think the notion that you have an intimate wedding and a huge party is a bit silly as a cost-saving measure because we found that the food and venue were rather expensive. I’m really glad we didn’t spend much on decorations (I DIYed centerpieces using items bought at Michaels with 40% off coupons) and I really loved our wedding.
Bottom line, really think about how you want to celebrate and put money where you most want to spend it. For us, it was the reception because we like food and like to dance.
Anonymous
They save money. Every extra dollar towards the wedding. Plus downsizing option – so less expensive flowers (even if not their favorite flowers), watching for wedding dress sales (JCrew dresses often go on sale at steep discount). Less expensive meal options (think chicken dinner). Basically pick two or three things that are important to you and downsize your expectations everywhere else. For you, it would be including lots of family and friends (I did the same and don’t regret it). That means maybe you go with a photographer who is ‘okay’ not amazing and a dress you spent $500 on not $1500 (see JCrew Sale) and honeymoon that involves driving to a nice B&B not flying to Hawaii. Picking a color and telling the bridesmaids to wear a knee length sleeveless dress in that color vs. spending $400 on a BM dress and downsizing the BM gifts accordingly.
Totally agree
+1
Nancy Raygun
You might need to change your expectations here–a lowkey BBQ for 120 is still pretty expensive. Consider a morning wedding with lowkey bruncg after. But mainly start reading apracticalwedding.com.
Anonymous
They make hard choices. And asking people to travel to a farm and not feed them dinner isn’t going to cut it. No one wants an evening of drinking and dancing without a meal. You could have cake and punch in the afternoon, but expect it to be a 2 hour thing.
It’s nice that you want a big party, but we all want things. You either go smaller, go cheaper, or save up your money. For 120 people, do beer and wine only, get a dress at David’s Bridal, cheap invites, a new photographer, the cheapest DJ possible, and get it catered for a casual buffet. You can do it, but it won’t look like Pinterest.
pugsnbourbon
I think letting go of that Pinterest fantasy is a big part of it. You can have a lovely, meaningful wedding, but you’re not a lifestyle blogger and it won’t look like you are.
Some things we did to save $$ – dress from David’s (I think it was $300?), beer and wine only for the open bar, buffet that was heavy on chicken and potatoes and pasta, paper flowers (that I made). My parents’ gift was the venue rental (less than $1000) and my grandparents bought us the cake. $10k gives you a lot of room if you get creative!
SAS
By prioritizing the things that really matter to them (about a wedding). If you want to serve dinner, of course you can. But it may not be a sit down, fancy dinner with waiters; it may be a buffet or family style. The food may not be filet mignon; it may be anything from a pasta bar to simple sandwiches. It may mean you only serve beer, or beer and wine, or no alcohol at all (if that’s your thing). None of your loved ones will really care as long as there is food and drink (because they will expect to be fed at a meal time).
Similar priorities can be made for, literally, everything else about a wedding — invites, flowers, etc. There are perfectly proper and acceptable options at every budget. You just pick the ones that matter to you.
And, fwiw, I would never have a night wedding unless there is dinner. If you only feel comfortable proceeding with cake and punch, I think that is fine (it’s what most Americans did until relatively recently!), so long as the wedding is in the afternoon or other non-meal time when guests will not expect a full meal.
rosie
I think the problem with not having a meal (which I agree is perfect acceptable if it is clearly a non-meal time) is that it makes your reception shorter. It’s going to need to be shorter to allow people time to feed themselves before/after, plus I just don’t think people will stay as long if eating a meal is not part of the event timeline. That’s of course not a problem if the couple is ok with it, but you might want a longer event, especially if there are many out of towners.
Anonymous
My husband and I did something similar, primarily because of his huge family. Pick what you “need” to have and cut back everywhere else. We wanted delicious food (via a local BBQ service), a great photographer and pretty flowers. We did cheap Etsy invitations, my dress came from Davids, we borrowed a high end speaker for music and a family friend married us after getting ordained for $25. We set up lawn games, filled canoes with ice and bottled beer. Champagne is generally cheaper if you buy it by the case and we loaded up on pretty (but plastic) stemware. It was a fun, easy, wonderful day and everyone seemed to have a great time. Just be aware that depending on where you live, you might need a tent (we seriously lucked out with nice weather) and they can be $$$.
Getting Married in the Morning
Our wedding cost ~8-10k and we had 100 guests. Here’s how we did it:
– we got married in our church that we attended, so there was no fee
– had the reception in a place similar to what you’re describing, so there was no cost there
– had a girl who was getting into professional photography do the photos. I had seen the photos she’d taken at other events and liked them, but we were her first wedding she did as a “professional”
– getting married in the morning. Brunch food is way cheaper than dinner food to cater
– had signature drinks (bloody maries, mimosas, and bellinis, which are like mimosas but with peach nectar), so we had free flowing booze, but it was not a full bar of high end stuff. The champagne was andre. I dont know what the vodka was, but not something high end
– got our wedding cake at wal-mart
– had flowers that heavily featured peruvian lillies, which are as cheap as carnations.
– didnt have any of the pintersty extras like a photo booth, cute favors, etc.
– My dress cost ~$700
– got invitations at Party City. They have the same invitations that you can buy at fancy print shops, but at a discount– I think 30% off every day, and all the RSVP cards and stuff are 20% off? We got small, plain classic traditional invitations. They were very reasonably priced.
My parents contributed about $3,000 and we paid for the rest. Over the course of about a year, the costs are spread out.
FWIW, I am starting to be pretty over all these huge blowout super pinterest-perfect weddings. They are all the same. It’s okay to do something different. What matters is that you are all there together with your family and friends who love you and are happy for you. Start saving money now and you can have something pretty nice.
Sydney Bristow
Our wedding was about $13,000, but we could have cut a few things to get it down to $10,000. Our photographer was almost $4000 because that is something we really prioritized.
Food: Local BBQ restaurant made the food for $13/person. We hired my friends of my sister she worked with at a restaurant to serve food and drinks.
Alcohol: Bought wine through a friend who had a connection to a distributor. Bought beer at Costco. Had WAY too much of each. Nobody wanted for drink at our wedding.
Dress: ~$400 from David’s Bridal
Venue: Free (my parent’s backyard)
Music: $10 for 1 month of Spotify premium
Flowers: $80 for tulips purchased in bulk from a wholesale florist. Went in dollar store vases with dollar store candleholders and candles for centerpieces
Rentals: This was a bigger cost because we had to rent tables, chairs, linens, dishes, glassware, and silverware. Could save money by using disposable items. Would have been totally appropriate with BBQ food. My sister is getting married next fall and is going with disposable. We bought bottled beer to avoid needing beer glasses. Another sister got married last summer and rented from a place in a city 1 hour away that was much much cheaper than mine. She had to have people pick it up and return it, while mine was delivered and picked up by the company. More work but cheaper for her.
Cake: We went with a fancy bakery that I loved, so our cake was $600. The local grocery store would have done it for much cheaper and it would have been fine.
I personally think you can totally do this for $10,000. Open bar is probably the thing I’d cut if I were you. Beer and wine is likely plenty.
Anonymous
I posted a while ago about my very DIY BBQ barn wedding that I feared was approaching the $30k mark. I think we’re actually going to come in closer to $20k but still. Not really what you’d expect. The thing about a DIY setting is that you have to hire out for everything. Portable bathroom trailers can run $2500 ea. A food truck or self-catering is a lot cheaper, but you usually have to figure out all of your linens, dishes, serving trays, etc. yourself. If you want real dishes, you’re going to have to rent them, which means someone’s going to rinse off 120+ dishes and glasses and forks and such at the end of the night. You can DIY your bar, but who’s going to bring ice the day of? Or set up tea and coffee after dinner? You can save a lot of money if you have reliable friends and family who will help out with these tasks.
Anonymous
Here’s some tips. I pulled off a 75 person wedding for $3,000, and my sister recently had a 100 person wedding for $5,000. No debt incurred.
We both had our weddings at parks, her’s a city park, mine a state park. Both had covered pavillions and indoor bathrooms ideal for a reception. Both had lakes. Mine had an outdoor ampitheatre with benches, while she rented chairs and put them in front of a gazebo.
For both our weddings, we had groups of friends do all the decorations. She bought her flowers at Costco, I got them from Trader Joes. We made all the centerpieces with vases from Goodwill. Tip: buy river rocks by the bag at Lowes/Home Depot for like $5 for 20 lbs. Make sure to wash the rocks because they’ll be dusty, but add rocks +candles + water + flowers = centerpieces.
My MIL actually catered my wedding. She was extremely ambitious, cooking the entire day before. We bought her giant pots, and she enlisted a neighbor and they had 2 stoves going. We bought the warming/chafing dishes.
My sister did get catering from a cheap BBQ place. People loved it. They had a vegetarian and a gluten free option (she’s a celiac), too. Call around. She didn’t say it was for a wedding. Wedding jacks up the price. She said it was a family gathering at a local park.
Get your hair and makeup done at a local beauty school. It’ll take longer but its so much cheaper. Both of us did this and were satisfied. You can also schedule practice sessions with the same student. Keep in mind it takes longer because there will be a teacher checking the work, so allow several extra hours. We had fun because we went with our bridesmaids and made a morning out of it.
For alcohol, we both went to Costco and Trader Joes. You can make cheap wine look fancy in sangria or a signature drink dispenser.
We made the favors, decorations…my sister even made the tablecloths out of old rustic sheets. I did rent linens from a friend, who cut me a discount because I agreed to pick up/return the linens. My helpers put them on the tables instead of having the friend’s company come out.
I even had some extra money to rent out the back room of a local bar for a late night party. My wedding was an afternoon affair, so we invited all the out of town guests (most everyone) to join us. If we spent $150 on food, we got 2 servers. The back room had a sound system, so all we did was plug in Pandora. It had darts, pool tables, and people had a blast dancing all night. The servers even said they had fun! For this afterparty, we spent the $150 on apps plus we bought buckets of beer. We worked out a deal and spent about $400 total.
Anonymous
A few other details because people are mentioning attire.
I got my dress at David’s Bridal on sale for $300. My husband got a grey suit on sale at Macy’s for $150 during the Memorial Day Sale. We had all our groomsmen buy the same suit with their own money, and we bought them matching silk ties also on sale at Macy’s. He wore a purple shirt, while they wore white shirts. He still wears the suit all the time! One of our groomsmen wore the suit for a promotion. He calls it his lucky suit! And it was cheaper than renting a tux. The bridesmaids bought their own gowns from David’s Bridal. I said they could pick whatever in the same color as long as they all matched with either long or cocktail length dresses. They chose long dresses, and they picked whatever style best fit their bodies and budget.
My sister got a cocktail length white lace dress for $150 online. It wasn’t a wedding dress per se. She added a beaded ribbon belt. Her husband also wore a nice suit. They didn’t have bridesmaids/groomsmen.
We also made all the corsages for family members. Its simple. Get some long pins and floral tape from a craft store, make them the night before, and store them in the fridge. I put them in individual ziplock baggies, labelled with each person’s name. We both made the bouquets.
I also made the unity candle stuff, decorated our cake cutting utensils, etc with supplies from dollar tree and the craft store. All of this took time, but it was very worth it.
CHJ
I just posted about my wedding above, but my sister had a big cheap wedding like what you’re describing! They had about 100 people and I think their entire budget was $7000.
She did it by having the ceremony in a public park, and then the reception at a boat house at a marina (not a nice yacht club – equivalent to a grange hall or parks & rec building). Her favorite Mexican restaurant did the catering, and drinks were ice chests full of beer and wine from Costco. They did minimal decorations and just used the tables and chairs available at the boat house. Music was an iPod and good speakers.
This was not a fancy wedding at all, but everyone had a blast and she loved it. So it’s doable — there’s so much in the wedding world that you can drop and still have a great party with your loved ones.
Anonymous
In addition to the above, you can save money (but sacrifice convenience) by having the wedding on either a Friday or a Sunday. Most places offer discounts if you have the wedding on a day other than Saturday.
Senior Attorney
But fair warning: People HATE Friday weddings. I just went to one and had to take the day off work and it was a real pain. Unless everybody is local I’d only do that as a last resort.
CountC
+1 My sister got married on a Monday and all of the non-retirees had to take off work. And there was no booze. It was not very fun.
Anonymous
The worst is when people have super fancy, extravagant weddings on a Friday. Then it’s obvious they’re just cheap and they could have easily cut things from the budget (or absorbed the costs themselves) and held the wedding at a more convenient time. I begrudge weekday weddings less when it’s a couple like this that doesn’t have a lot of money and is actually struggling to put together a simple wedding for the number of guests they want.
anon
It’s not that much cheaper, ime. Don’t cut $2k from your fancy nighttime wedding with ALL THE FLOWERS by shifting the cost to your guests. Just don’t have flowers. People will miss the flowers a lot less than their vacation day.
Bonnie
You’re going to have to compromise. If you want a big party, you could have a courthouse ceremony with those closest to you and then have an evening co**tail party with just appetizers and drinks. That would significantly lower your costs. If you want everyone at the ceremony, then you will have to scale back on the reception.
Anon
I had a city hall wedding and restaurant reception that still cost $15K. The big expenditures were buying out the (small) restaurant, paying for wedding albums from the photographer (over $2,000 for 2), my wedding ring and my husband’s suit. I recommend finding the cheapest decent photographer you can and then ENSURING that you will have the rights to the digital photos so you can print for cheap at Costco or wherever. We ran into a bind because the photographer technically had the rights to them and all printing needed to go through him (I’m sure we could have done it on the sly, but it didn’t feel right; his rate for the event was a lot cheaper than other photographers and I’m sure it was due to the cost of the extras). The albums ended up being so expensive and we really wanted at least one to send to my husband’s distant family living abroad, but if I could do it differently, I would have saved that money.
Other areas to cut: get a simple wedding band (mine had tiny diamonds so was more expensive), get the cheapest dress you like (mine was $250 at JCrew), get a very basic wedding cake or a sheet cake from the grocery store, use a suit your husband already has, don’t splurge on the shoes, and do your own hair/make-up if you can. I agree with the others that having a food truck or BBQ might work well for your budget.
Anonymous
Honestly, if you can’t afford to serve your guests food and drinks, you can’t afford a big wedding. My cousin got married in a budget hotel and a friend of the bride made all the food – Italian style for the wedding. Plastic serving dishes and cups and they bought bottles of booze – a friend served. They had a DJ. It was lovely.
Anonymous
Yes, agreed.
DC Anon
$10k is plenty for the kind of wedding you’re talking about. I had a similar wedding for about $10k (130 guests with a full dinner, open bar, and dancing). Your big expenses are going to be rentals (tent, tables, chairs, linens, tableware, dance floor, sound system) and food (I’d suggest BBQ). Shop around for those two big expenses. Get beer and wine from Trader Joe’s and liquor from Costco (or just do beer and wine, that’s fine too).
Have a friend act as emcee and set up a couple Spotify playlists for dinner and dancing. You can literally do a candle in a hurricane glass as a centerpiece (or buy cheap flowers from Costco or Trader Joe’s as others suggested). I also paid the tent rental company a little extra to string lights all over the tent and that was pretty much enough decor. You may want to get portable bathrooms depending on the facilities at your location. A bus is a possibility but not a necessity.
No need to break the bank on a photographer. We hired a local guy whose style was not flashy or pinterest-y, but who did a great job capturing lots of photos where everyone looked pretty good. I didn’t care about looking like I was in a magazine — I just wanted decent photos that act as a touchstone for memories.
DC Anon
Other areas to save money — we didn’t have a bridal party, my sister did my makeup, I did my own hair and nails, and a family member married us. And we didn’t do wedding favors.
Also, you can save tons of money on a wedding dress if you just buy an evening gown instead (and then you can actually rewear it!). The Outnet, Off Fifth, Nordstrom Rack, 6pm.com, etc. all have great options. I didn’t bother buying new shoes since my feet were covered by my dress anyways. I basically thought of it as a party where I wanted to look my best.
pugsnbourbon
You just reminded me – I made my favors! I painted little pins in our wedding colors. People wore them during the night and they looked really cute.
Walnut
Cut scope. No flowers, no cake, same location for ceremony and reception. If serving alcohol, only choose one type- Beer OR wine. Cut the attendants. When deciding on food, cut down on the choices. If your main dish and side are tasty, no one will care if they could choose between the chicken or the pork. I decided to not buy a wedding band and just use my engagement ring. Instant savings right there.
Decide what is MOST important and be ruthless about sticking to it. Don’t be guilted into adding scope.
Bonnie
This is a good tip. We saved $8 a person and a ton of logistical issues by serving the same meal to everyone (the caterer also prepared a few vegetarian plates at no additional cost).
Anonymous
There are way too many people who don’t drink beer or who don’t drink wine. I don’t drink at all and would not dream of having a big party without beer and wine, at least. People will think this is tacky. Beer? Why not just have a keg party.
bridget
A lot of my friends got married in their 20s and paid for the weddings themselves (on things like teachers’ salaries).
Off the top of my head, they saved money by…
Restaurant meals. It’s cheaper to get everyone in for a sit-down meal at a respectable (but not Zagat) place than to do the big hotel reception.
Cruises. It is bizarrely economical to rent out a floor of one of those “around the bay” cruise ships for an afternoon.
Limited alcohol – beer and wine from Trader Joe’s, a bartender who serves a limited selection of (decent, but not top-shelf) booze, a cocktail hour plus champagne toast, etc. The thing you want to avoid is having people pay for booze.
Late morning or afternoon events.
Costco for food. Doughnuts or cupcakes instead of wedding cake (which can cost $8 for someone to slice and plate, says one of my STEM friends who thinks he should have sliced wedding cake for a living).
Nancy Raygun
Hell, get the cake at Costco too. Lots of people like their cakes and honestly, most people aren’t going to care about a fancy cake. They just like cake. Order an undecorated one and put some flowers on it.
Sydney Bristow
Costco cake is actually really yummy!
Gail the Goldfish
Publix cakes are also yummy if you live somewhere with Publix. In looking at random stranger’s wedding pictures for ideas, I see a lot of “cake by Publix”
Mrs. Jones
+1 for Publix cake! Yum yum yum. They made our groom’s cake.
Nancy Raygun
Yes, I looove Publix cakes. I threatened to fight a guy over a dulce de leche cake there once.
Anonymous
My friend had a Publix cake and it looked like a high end wedding cake. If she had not told me, I would not have known.
Anonymous
We faced a similar decision and decided to just have a very small wedding. Although, the reason our guest list would have been so long is that my husband has a very big extended family and his mom wanted to invite all of them plus many of her hometown friends. My husband and I are both pretty reserved and really only wanted close family, but there was no way to fairly draw the line (For example I have a grand total of 5 first cousins. He has at least 30 first cousins.) So we just did parents and my siblings (he also has 10 half-siblings, but we didn’t invite them. That caused some hurt feelings.) For us, it worked out fine and now 11 years later we don’t have any regrets. Particularly because his dad died 6 months later from cancer and had we waited he would not have been there and that was the most important thing to my husband.
Jeffiner
I thought it was pretty standard practice that if you didn’t want to provide a meal at a wedding, you scheduled it not during a meal-time? If the invitation says “ceremony at 8, dessert and dancing to follow” I would go out and have myself a nice dinner before going to the wedding.
I had my wedding of my dreams in my backyard, for around 100 people. We spent about $15,000, but that includes a lot of extras, like dancing lessons and a shuttle bus to take people to their cars. We spent $5,000 on catering from a very high end restaurant in town, we could have easily spent a lot less on that. We only had beer and wine for alcohol. I did make my own cake. (I love to cook though, I took professional chef classes just for fun, and I have the skillset for a wedding cake.)
Sarabeth
We did close to this – slightly fewer people, but also slightly smaller budget (and no free venue). Our biggest savings were from:
1 – Wine (from TJs) as the only alcohol. Our venue allowed us to just put bottles on the tables, and on the bar – depending on the nature of the venue and state law, you might have to hire licensed bartenders.
2 – We made our own food. Sounds crazier than it was. We made lasagne, which we made and froze in advance. We hired servers to come in and heat/serve, plus put together the salad and clean the dishes afterwards. We served it all family-style, which helped cut down the number of servers needed. Our venue had a kitchen, which was obviously necessary. We served with bread and had wedding cake for desert, which was self-service (we bought lots of small cakes, so people could be slicing multiple cakes at once, which made the timing manageable for that part).
3 – Allowed our friends to help. No, you probably can’t have a potluck wedding without offending people. But if people ask you if they can help, say yes by all means! We had friends pick up the bread and cakes from the bakery, the flowers from the farmers market, arrange the flowers, officiate the ceremony (legal in CA). Don’t assume that your photographer friend wants to be your wedding photographer – but again, if she offers, take her up on it!
4 – Used wedding dress. Buy something from preownedweddingdresses or a similar site. You’re going to have to pay for alterations anyway.
5 – Cheaper photographer. We found ours on Craigslist. Was he as good as the $4,000 ones? No, but I love our pictures anyway. We also paid for only 4 hours of time – ceremony through the first part of the dancing, with just a few portraits after the ceremony. Those getting ready photos are beautiful, but they were not worth $200/hr to me.
6 – Minimalist flowers. I had a farmers-market bouquet. Other than that, we just had sweet peas (also from the market) in mason jars. I chose the flowers by going to the market a couple of weeks in advance and asking what would be cheapest to buy in bulk on the date of the wedding. Having just one flower meant that we didn’t really have to arrange them, so it was easy for a friend to do it.
7 – Paperless post invitations. No paper at all. If you have family that really want something paper, you can buy a small run of very basic invites from a big box store just for them.
8 – No band or DJ – we made a playlist and had a friend supervise it.
9 – DIY hair/makeup.
Hope that helps. Good luck. I think in most markets, you can have a super fun wedding for 10k, although it’s true that it’s not going to look like a wedding blog. But I would choose having more people (and feeding them) over nice “details” any day of the week.
Jeffiner
Some other budget ideas:
1 – (I said this one earlier) we started buying bottles of wine and storing them long before the wedding. We also did this with lights and decorations.
2 – My girlfriends and I all got together for a craft night and made decorations (origami cranes, paper flowers, etc). We all love crafts, and we had wine and chocolates, and had a fun night of it.
3 – No band or DJ – we made a playlist and had the groom’s brother hit play.
4 – I went to a local beauty school for my hair and makeup. I went a week early for practice, and the teacher supervised both days, so there was no concern of a student ruining everything.
5 – We bought loose flowers from a wholesale market. We put them in vases we already owned. My bouquet was just a bunch of roses with a ribbon tied around it.
6 – Used our closest friends and family to help. My teenage cousins were all about hanging those origami cranes from fishing line, and tearing petals off of roses to strew down the aisle.
7 – We ordered postcards with our photo on them for save-the-dates and RSVP cards from a big box store. A friend with photoshop skills designed our invitations and we printed them ourselves on cardstock. I followed a Martha Stewart tutorial for decorating envelopes with scrapbook paper. Regular size envelopes require less postage than larger ones or square ones.
8 – We had a friend officiate, and she didn’t expect a fee.
9 – For wedding favors we wrapped a peach in tissue paper and raffia. We live in a southern state, so peaches were locally relevant.
10 – I made the cake.
another thought
I’m in a similar boat to you, but also feel strongly that if I can’t have the wedding of my dreams, I’d rather have the cheap elopement of my dreams than a wedding I would always be comparing to the one I wanted.
My current compromise plan is very small wedding with immediate family; and open house c**ktail party within 6 months afterwards at my/my parents/his parents house. I know I could have a very classy and on-budget party just the way I wanted this way (and may have more time and less stress to actually enjoy it myself and talk to all the guests if it wasn’t the same day as the wedding). I suppose it’s nontraditional, but what I really want is to have all my friends and family in the same place at once for a special night; a wedding is a nice excuse for it, but not the only reason to have a celebration.
anon
We had a smaller wedding (~65ish) on a 6K budget. Here are some things we did to save money that other people haven’t mentioned.
– Had a “if we don’t care about it, don’t spend money on it” rule. My shoes were from Target. I didn’t wear a veil. We skipped floral arrangements, other than corsages, bouquets, etc. Music was from a laptop.
– Non-traditional ceremony and reception venues. Local theater for ceremony and reception at small event space.
– Wedding at a non-meal time (early afternoon) and we indicated on invites that it would be light apps and drinks.
– We love dessert so had a regular round cake at each table on top of a mirror and with some candles, in lieu of a) centerpieces and b) a traditional cake. Our guys enjoyed figuring out which cake they wanted to sit by.
– Mailed our Save the Dates inside Christmas cards to save postage.
– No personalized thank you notes – just the big box that I bought at Michael’s with a coupon.
anon
Oh, and I had my hair stylist just do my own hair and a friend do my makeup. I didn’t require my Maid of Honor (my only attendant) to have either done professionally.
BBQ BBQ BBQ
We had kick-a$$ bbq at our wedding. If that is at all your scene, I highly recommend.
We got married in Boston and bbq for 80 people (including 5 meats, 6 sides, cornbread, rolls, sauces, etc) was $1500. Buffet-style, and we had tons of leftovers (which, if your venue is a personal one as ours was, is awesome). Everybody loved it. We also had vegan options catered in, knowing we had some veg and vegan guests, btw.
We went for bbq because we freakin’ love it, and didn’t even explore other food options, but my understanding is that this is veerrrry inexpensive for a big city wedding meal.
Anononope
Our wedding was $6k for 60 people, so $10k for 100 people seems totally doable to me. It wasn’t fancy, but it was really nice. We used the party room at a local brewery/restaurant. The place was beautiful so we didn’t decorate. We didn’t care a ton about dressing up — my dress was like $150 from Bhldn (meant to be a bridesmaid dress), my husband wore some nice pants from Macys? No flowers, I did my own hair and makeup. We didn’t have a sit-down dinner, but the brewery set out a buffet type thingie of great food, and there were high top tables and sofas and stuff to eat at. It was a brewery, so there was an open bar with great beer (no liquor). We DJed with an iPod (husband is a music nerd and people danced their butts off). Photog was a gift from my parents. It was super fun and really comfortable, which was a big priority for us.
Laundry roulette
Suggestions for durable sweaters? I typically wash my sweaters in a delicates bag in the washer (with small kids at home, I don’t have the ability to deal with delicate clothes). Does anyone have suggestions for more durable brands that can withstand this? I have a cashmere cardigan from lord and Taylor that has done fine with this for years but just lost a merino sweater from eileen fisher (thankfully bought second hand).
And on the same topic, any silk blouses that do better ok washed vs dry-cleaned? I know Eileen Fisher has a line. Will Everlane or Cuyana stand up to it?
Thanks!
Anonymous
Make sure you are using the delicate/knit cycle on the washing machine and minimizing the other things you are throwing in with the load.
Silk blouses – you usually know after the first wash. I think anything that says “cold wash” on the care instruactions instead of dry clean/only is expecting to be able to hold up.
Annie
I find that Lands End “performance” line of sweaters are absolutely amazing for laundry. I put them through with the rest of my clothes on delicates cycles, and then usually put them in the dryer for 5-10 minutes, then take them out and lay flat. They probably would be fine going through the whole dryer cycle though, as they haven’t gotten even a bit out of shape or shrunk at all.
2 hours in lower manhattan
The weather will be fantastic tomorrow. If you are flying in and have 2 hours in lower manhattan before having to head back to LGA, what would you do? I used to live there and have done the 9/11 and most other things. All I can think of is to pop in to the MZ Wallace store in soho (but will have my OG bag with me — it is the ultimate mobile office for me).
Anonymous
I would load up on falafel at Taim, sugar myself up at Momofuku Milk Bar, maybe swing by MM LaFleur, and/or get a massage.
Anonymous
OMG how could I forget MM? I may even be wearing it!
Anon
I’ve never been to Taim, but Mamoun’s on Macdougal is the best falafel I’ve ever had.
Mindy
citibike around battery park, lunch at le district (or take it outside into the park), walk through the occulus then shake shack at battery park or fulton;
KMO
I have an all-day interview tomorrow, which I’m told will include “going out to lunch.” I’ve never done an interview lunch before (and currently work in government contracting so there is never a question about who pays due to gifts policy). My question is, how do I handle the bill? Do I bring cash and offer to pay? Is it assumed the interviewer will pay? If it matters, I think it will likely be me plus a small group of people from the organization.
Anonymous
The interviewer will pay for lunch.
Cat
Don’t even offer to pay – that would seem weird. They’re hosting.
Anon
Your interviewing company will pay. If its a casial workplace you may feel more comfortable taking your jacket off at lunch if wearing a suit, so you may want to wear a blouse you’re comfortable doing that in (though you certainly don’t have to). Thats my only tip- besides obviously ordering something easy to eat-no linguine! And pricewise, from the middle of the menu range.
Anonymous
The interviewer pays. Do not offer
rosie
The interviewer will pay. Is that an ethics issue for you, though?
KMO
Thanks! No ethics issue – company I’m interviewing with is in an entirely different industry.
Thanks everyone for the reassurance. I was pretty sure the interviewer paid but it has been many many years since I’ve even interviewed so I’m feeling quite rusty.
Veronica Mars
Easy and relatively inexpensive dinner ideas when feeding a lot of kids? Through my volunteering I occasionally have to make dinner for 10-12 kids with little notice. The typical thing has been mac and cheese, taco night, hot dogs, etc. Any other quick and easy ideas? I have access to an oven, stovetop and microwave at the place. I try to think of things that are pretty universally liked, but I’m running out of ideas. Bonus points if I could pick it up at Trader Joes or all in one go at a supermarket.
Anonymous
Pizza
Anonymous
Trader’s has a ton of frozen and fridge ready pizzas.
Anon
Pasta, sauce, and meatballs
homemade pizza
baked chicken tenders + vegetable
Bonnie
pasta bar
lasagna
chicken pot pie or another casserole
Anonymous
Breakfast for dinner (bacon cooked in oven, eggs & pancakes on stove top and kept warm in oven).
I’d also consider bringing a crock pot, if you have one – you could do chili, or pulled chicken or pork in a crock pot, and then make baked beans or something similar on the side.
Veronica Mars
The crock pot is a good idea, if I have enough notice I should keep things on hand to throw in.
Anonymous
Make your own tacos bar … you cook a big pot of ground beef on the stovetop, heat the tortillas in the microwave, then offer shredded cheese, shredded lettuce, chopped tomatoes, sour cream and guacamole.
AttiredAttorney
My super easy generally kid safe options:
Grilled cheese and tomato soup – get the cartons of soup at TJs, bread and sliced cheese
Chicken Quesadillas – pre grilled chicken breast, shredded cheese, tortillas. Can serve will steamed frozen corn or carrot sticks and guac for dipping
English muffin or tortilla pizzas – let the kids top their own, buy all the veggies pre-chopped at TJs, turkey pepperoni
Brinner- breakfast for dinner – scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, pancakes (TJs mix is good!)
Veronica Mars
Thank you! These are all great ideas. The grilled cheese and soup will be perfect when it gets cold.
Anonymous
Naan makes a great pizza base.
Anonymous
My favorite super-easy casserole (though you’d probably have to double it) is:
– about 3 cups of elbow pasta, cooked
– 1 can of whole kernel corn, drained
– 1 lb hamburger, cooked and drained
– 1 can tomato soup
Combine in casserole dish, stir in shredded cheddar to taste, and cover with more cheddar, bake for about 20 minutes at 350.
Veronica Mars
I’ll have to try this, thanks for the recipe.
Anonymous
Be aware that many children will not eat casseroles, lasagna, or any other dish combining different types of foods with sauce (exceptions are mac and cheese and pizza), particularly the younger ones. Many small children strictly enforce the separation of pasta, meat, and vegetables.
Veronica Mars
That’s a really good point.
super-easy casserole OP
Yeah, my 40-year-old husband is picky about casseroles too.
AttiredAttorney
Yes, no touching foods!
Anonymous
Frozen corn dogs with frozen French fries/sweet potato fries/and/or carrots and ranch.
Nacho bar
Baked potato bar
Sub sandwiches
Pizza
BBQ chicken sliders (get a couple rotisserie chickens or boil some chicken breast, shred the meat, toss in bottled BBQ sauce or leave plain and let the kids add their own sauce, serve on Hawaiian rolls.)
Breakfast for dinner including cereal and fruit (my kids would eat cereal for dinner every night if I would let them.)
Coach Laura
Baked potato bar. Cook the potatoes ahead of time if you can. Supply chili (canned or deli), chopped pre-cooked bacon, pre-shredded cheddar cheese, salsa, sour cream, hot dogs/sausages, green onions chopped up. Put the chili in a crock-pot to heat and/or keep warm. Baked potatoes can also be done in a slow cooker.
You too!
How do you communicate with your SO about doing something you’re admitted not perfect about yourself? For example, cleaning up clutter. We both have some tolerance for clutter. My house doesn’t need to look like a museum.
The difference between us is volume. When I get the mail, I throw out all the junk so I’m only bringing in bills and statements and such. I also try to minimize how many paper statements I get because I know I’m not great about filing it. He is not the same. He brings in the whole armful of junk because he wants to look through it! but then he never does. For MONTHS. So obviously his mail pile gets much bigger much faster than mine. When I ask him to please go through some of this junk and throw it out, he shoots back with, well you still have 2 bank statements you haven’t filed. Ok well I wouldn’t be nagging you if you had 2 pieces of mail on the table, I’m nagging you because I can no longer see the table underneath all the junk mail. I’ve tried to just throw it out but he gets very upset that I’m “destroying his property.” Do I really have to be 100% perfectly tidy before I can ask him to be like 60% tidy?
Note that the clutter is only one example. This is a recurring theme in our relationship. “Hey hon, you had way too much to drink last night and I had trouble getting you out of the cab. It really scared me. Can you please be more careful about your consumption next time?” is met with “Well you were drunk too!” Ok well I didn’t pass out in the cab and I could still walk without help. One of these things is not like the other. The “you too” argument pushes my buttons and I end up giving this sort of condescending response, which I know is not productive. Suggestions to constructively address this? Or am I in the wrong because I’m complaining about him doing something that I’m also doing (if to a lesser extent)?
Cat
I’m sorry but from both these anecdotes your SO sounds like kind of an a$$. A man-child a$$.
ezt
I really think this type of response is not very helpful. When people ask for advice about a recurring argument/ complaint with a spouse, they tend not to give a full explanation of their spouse’s personality including all their good points–they just describe the issue, as seen through the lens of the person who dislikes the behavior. Yes, sometimes the issue is so crazy that it’s useful to tell someone this is a huge red flag and not normal. But otherwise, I think we can assume that we don’t know everything about the person. We’re all childish sometimes, but unless someone is asking if they should divorce, saying “your spouse sounds terrible” doesn’t do much for the person.
Anyway, OP, I really think these types of “you too” responses almost always happen when everyone is mad. The only way I’ve ever found of getting out of that kind of argument cycle is to bring it up calmly when everyone is in a better mood. For the mail, people below have given some good suggestions that could work–having a system is key, and then just letting go once you hit a brick wall. I often go through my spouse’s mail and throw out obvious junk (and he does the same for me too) so it’s a smaller pile that the other person needs to deal with. We also just open/deal with each other’s mail, YMMV on that.
The heavy drinking thing might be more of an issue (if the drinking itself is an issue, rather than just the “na na you too” response). That might require getting other people who’ve observed it to talk to him too, also when he’s not already upset and on the defensive. But talking it through when everyone is calm is a good place to start.
Anonymous
Therapy.
Anonymous
Ouch.
The mail thing is not going to change.
My Dad is like this about the mail. Basically, my Mom had to take over all mail sorting, and a stack was left for him in his area/desk. So you need to find a less obtrusive place for his stack….. Maybe it is a bin…. And you can’t say anything about it. Since my Mom passed, the entire dining table is covered with junk mail, and he can’t eat there.
Samantha
I’m terrible with the mail. My DH took it over. I’m good at some other things but this is a battle not worth fighting.
Sloan Sabbith
You’re not in the wrong and anon’s therapy idea is probably not bad- for you or for you both. But since you know he’s going to come back with “Well, you….,” could you deal with it preemptively?
“Hey, hon, I know I was drunk last night, too, but I had a really hard time getting you out of the cab with how much you’d drunk. It scared me. I don’t want that to happen again- can you please be more careful about how much you drink next time? I don’t like to worry like that.”
“Hey, hon, I know I’ve got those two bank statements I haven’t dealt with, but could you do something about the mail on the table? I’d like to have somewhere to eat and the mail is covering the table right now.”
But again, you’re not in the wrong. Being drunk and being passed out in the cab are not, at all, the same thing, and I’d be super angry if anyone made that comparison to me.
Sloan Sabbith
Thinking about this a bit more- at least for the cab thing, I think it deserves to be called out when he says “Well, you were drunk, too.” Because they’re just not the same thing at all. Neither is the mail, but in the grand scheme of things, someone minimizing legitimate concerns about drinking by being condescending and dismissive would be a dealbreaker for me (has been a dealbreaker for me, actually).
My language is not strong enough above, and thinking about it a bit more, I agree with the other commenters that this is a$$-hole behavior and should be identified by you as such.
OP
I DO get super angry and I know that’s not constructive. It’s one thing for him to get defensive/deflect, it’s another for me to then get angry and condescending in response. The whole thing just devolves and I need to work on my role in that process. Lately I’ve just been walking away when he “you toos” me but I wish I had a better tool to respond. Or maybe walking away is the right tool?
To be fair, he’ll usually do whatever I’ve asked if I just leave him alone after he responds defensively. If I respond meanly then he digs his heels in.
Anon
Sorry for what you’re going through. As women, I think we try so hard not to make anyone else feel bad about how they’re burdening us, but then it ends up escalating anyway. I’d try asking him more often, “Could you please take care of x?” And that’s it. No bigger conversation about how he hasn’t handled it well and you’re mad. No criticism. Just ask him nicely to do what you want. And be okay asking for a lot of things, but do it nicely. I hate asking my SO for things, but there is no other way I’ve found. He doesn’t care about the same things I do. Criticism makes everything worse and he’ll be defensive and you’ll be defensive. Maybe you can create systems so the mail is less of an issue, but I think with a lot of things, you just have to ask and keep asking nicely. With drinking, it’s a more difficult issue than the mail, so I know it’s not all simple, but just an idea to consider.
Bonnie
Sounds like there are bigger issues but for the mail what has worked for me is to set up a mail center right by the door with a cubby for each of us. I also placed a small trash can next to the table.
BeenThatGuy
I second this idea. Or maybe get him a nice wicker/rattan basket, maybe even with a lid, where he can throw it in everyday. Potterybarn has some lovely ones. Due to limited kitchen storage, I put my paper recycling in one of these. Since I’m a crazy neatfreak, the lid helps me not see the clutter and keeps me sane!
Anonattorney
Speaking as a messy person who easily tolerates (and doesn’t notice) clutter, you’re not going to fix the mail thing. If your SO is anything like me, it’s never going to change. We just tolerate mess in a different way than clean people. We don’t notice the clutter, or we notice it and it doesn’t bother us. I’m on board with the suggestion above to move his stack to his office or other designated area, and otherwise try to not let it bother you too much. Otherwise, hire a cleaning person so you don’t have to clean up his mess constantly.
As for the larger issue, he’s certainly responding to any criticism you give him by being defensive. I think you should take that head on. Find a time when you’re both sober and in a good mood, and just say something along the lines of, “Babe, I’d really like to work on my communication with you.” Then cite the specific examples (don’t be vague, and don’t say things like, “you do this all the time”) by saying, “there were two instances that jumped out at me . . .” And then just try to have a really non-confrontational conversation about how to communicate. Non-confrontational is the key: you need to take responsibility for the fact that your method of communicating could have been too aggressive, too judgmental, too ‘naggy,’ etc.
Jitterbug
Eeeesh! Sounds like this guy stinks at taking responsibility for his actions when they impact other people. You want him to clean up NOT because you need everything to look perfect all the time but because his mess is impacting your ability to use the table, just like his being passed out in the cab created more work for you when you were also drunk. And any time he’s asked to be a little bit more responsible, he makes the conversation about how he doesn’t have to improve because you’re not perfect.
And if you were a neat freak, that would be his criticism. Instead of “well you have those two bills” it would be “well you have a great big stick up your caboose.”
I’d probably stress that he’s not making a fair comparison, and reiterate why you need to him do something, or work on something.
You can find a place for his mail away from the table, but it’s a band-aid solution. He’ll likely still leave it and let it pile up for months, and bristle at requests to go through it, and he’s likely to keep finding new and interesting ways to refuse to take responsibility for himself and his stuff – that’s the core issue, and that’s what you need to resolve as soon as possible.
Wildkitten
I read something interesting recently that said facts don’t matter in interpersonal disputes. If you get into an arguing match about the comparable clutter that each of you make, you’re not dealing with the real issue which is how his actions are making you feel. Does he care enough about your feelings to change the way he acts, or this is action a deal breaker for you? It sure sounds like deal breaker territory for me, if he responds to your legitimate concerns about him by criticizing you.
full of ideas
Interesting point!
Add A Comment Here
I had a therapist recommend a handy pdf book to help with similar communication issues in my relationship. It’s $15. Worth it. It’s the top one on this site (described as “for the public”): http://thecouplesclinic.com/resources/books/ I haven’t quite read it all but it’s helped me tremendously to re-frame my thinking on how to approach disagreements.
Coach Laura
This is a late reply but may be a solution for the mail part of your problem.
I got this idea from an organizing book by Susan Pinsky called Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD. Though your spouse may not be ADHD the solution works because it keeps the person (like me) from worrying that something will be thrown away and then be needed later. I think a lot of us have that fear and this method means that the person can go through and excavate anything, say 6 or 9 months old and throw away.
Get a big lidded tote or basket (pretty if you wish). 9×12 or 10×3 bottom measurements. Place mail neatly in tote so that the newest is on top. Cover and put out of sight (not on dining table as I am prone to do) and try not to let it bother you that he does this – as long as he pays bills etc on time. This works whether or not the mail or flyers are opened.
Chicago
Any recommendations for a dinner restaurant near the federal courthouse in Chicago? Last minute trip for a hearing. Somewhere I would feel comfortable going alone. Thanks!
Anonymous
Sofi is close, excellent Italian, I recommend their handmade pastas.
Emmer
The Gage – quick walk over to Michigan Ave.
Monte
The Gage or Seven Lions. The Marq if you want to go cheaper — it is just across the street. I’ve also eaten in the JW Marriott down the block, which isn’t my first choice but is closer and anyone would feel comfortable dining alone there.
Anonymous
The Dearborn, Atwood, Berghoff are all additional options.
Anonymous
“Do I really have to be 100% perfectly tidy before I can ask him to be like 60% tidy?” NO! You should each have an agreed upon mail basket with a lid. Basket can be full but once the lid can’t close – has to be dealt with.
And, honestly I’d suggest couples counselling because this seems to pervade your relationship. The expectation that you can’t say anything to him about problematic behavior because you’re not 100% perfect is not a way to live in reality. You are an imperfect human being – that doesn’t mean to you can’t have an opinion. He’s out of line.
Anonymous
for “You too” above
Another R
Shoes without a substantial arch cause me lasting foot pain in one of my feet. Even my slippers have arch support. Two brands work for me: Vionic and Birkenstock. My other option is finding a shoe substantial enough to handle my hardcore orthotics (after trying dozens, including custom ones, my faves are Vasyli brand from a PTs office). Any other suggestions along those lines, either brands or just nice dressy or stylish flats currently available that can accommodate a significant orthotic?
The bump/angle of the arch has to be pretty significant. Run of the mill “good support” doesn’t work for me. I have almost no shoes for work or for fun.
Anonymous
Are you in NYC? Harry’s on the UWS is great for this.
Another R
Yes, Harry’s would be good but sadly I haven’t lived in NYC for ages and don’t have plans to travel back anytime soon :(
Anonymous
I have the 3/4 length Vionic dress insoles and they are great – the arch support is nice and big. I can put them in many dress shoes and boots (I also have the athletic full-length ones that can fit into boots and sneakers). I also occasionally use Pedag metatarsal supports and other insoles from that brand. If the shoe is supportive but not quite supportive enough for me, they push it over the edge into being supportive enough.
TorontoNewbie
I’m very curious about this! I have the Superfeet insoles and they’re the only thing that has helped with plantar fasciitis, but I really need to find a nice pair (or three) of flats that I can wear with a suit and wear with them. Would love suggestions.
Another R
I haven’t tried those but the Vasyli ones I like are 3/4 and I’m guessing they’re similar. I just can’t find cute work or going out flats that can handle them. They’re all too flimsy.
TorontoNewbie: Superfeet are ok, but there are other brans out there that serve me better, including ones with 3/4 options for dress shoes. Keep looking!
Anonymous
I have a pair of Cole Haan wedges that they fit in (air tali, I think?), plus a pair of loafers from another brand I cannot recall at the moment.
Minnie Beebe
Superfeet makes a 3/4 length insole. I’m wearing a pair today, inside a pair of cole haan penny loafers. They’re made of a stiff plastic material.
Jdubs
I am wearing my 3/4 superfeet inside of Cole Haan flats today!
TorontoNewbie
Sounds like it’s time to go to the Cole Haan store!
Anonymous
You might look into whether insurance will cover prescription orthotics. Mine did, and I put them in my flats and athletics shoes. They correct the pain and the structural reason for the pain. Each pair lasts me about 10 years.
Anonymous
Sorry, missed that you already have orthotics!
Mouldy smell from front loader washer
So, we have had said washer for about 4 year now. I have done everything- wipe down the gasket, spray with vinegar after each use and keep the lid open to dry out. Last night I was sparying and found all this black mould hidden behind the gasket in parts that are very hard to reach and clean. I only got in there by shoving a towel in there are pulling it though very hard. I don’t think that I can successfully clean it all up.
Is this machine still usable? or can I even get this gasket replaced? Or does this machine now have to be tossed?
Depressed by all the laundry I have to do and now this.
Anon
I don’t think that you can save your washer, we threw ours away unfortunately.
Wildkitten
Bleach?
Anonymous
Google this, including your make and model. Mold in front loader washers is a big issue and the proper response varies on the machine.
anon
Some brands have a class action for their front loaders, but yours may not be one of them. Try to clean it as much as you can and if that doesn’t work, you should be able to get a new gasket. (If you do, save your receipts if your brand is later included in a class action.) In the future, you will have to dry that part every time. I even wedge a paper towel in there for a few days after a load and leave the door open to let it dry.
Marie
This happened with my washer at about the five-year mark. The gasket needed to be replaced. I helped the repair person wipe the area down with bleach solution before the new gasket went in. Problem solved.
Minnie Beebe
Yup, you can replace the gasket. It won’t be cheap – it’s not the easiest thing to replace. I’d recommend running a cleaning cycle with bleach as well, and then keeping it open to let things dry out – open the door as well as the detergent drawer, and consider running a dehumidifier nearby as well.
And yes, definitely make sure your washer isn’t covered by one of the class-action suits.
CX
I had this issue with a front-loading washer in a basement apartment too. I cleaned the gasket with clorox wipes and made a habit of propping open the door with my swiffer. The dank smell went away almost entirely if it wasn’t sealed shut after holding wet clothes.
Anonymous
I’m in my 30s, living in NYC, single right now. By one measure I have a lot of friends–people whom I’m happy to see/catch up with, who care about my life (and vice versa).
But it seems I’m almost always the one who has to initiate plans with pretty much any of them. They are always happy to get together and never make excuses or seem unenthusiastic about hanging out, but I’m always the one emailing/texting to ask if they want to get brunch/dinner/go to the theatre. And not because I’m a natural planner or super social person…I’m neither. But if I didn’t do it, I’d be alone basically every weekend. I reach out to ask about getting together maybe once a month or slightly more, and I think if I stopped I’d probably go 6 months without seeing the person.
I don’t get it and am seriously starting to question if there’s something weird about me that’s causing this. I mean, I don’t really think there is…but it happens with every single local friend I have.
Bonnie
Some people are just not good at planning things. I would not read too much into this. Maybe setup a recurring event? E.g. first Friday of the month dinner.
BabyAssociate
I wouldn’t read too much into it, especially if people aren’t making excuses or are unenthusiastic about hanging out. I’m kind of in the same boat, but I know a lot of my friends are more “go with the flow” whereas I really like to have things scheduled.
H
I doubt there is anything weird about you. Are you more extroverted than they are? Introverts usually don’t initiate plans. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to see you; it just means they are content to sit at home by themselves and wouldn’t necessarily think to see if you wanted to grab dinner.
Anonymous
Eh….this isn’t really an introver/extrovert thing. It’s a planner/not thing. I’m more introvert than extrovert and I make plans. Maybe not as often as other friends, and some of them fall into a existing structure (Sun evening get-togethers), but I still initiate. I judy also really appreciate when someone else plans and try to be a good guest and go to things when I’m invited because I want to continue to be invited.
OP – I wouldn’t worry about it. If your friends RSVP yes and then show up for your plans, they like the plans you are making. Maybe they do all the planning for the other friend-stuff in their life and appreciate you taking the reins on this one. Maybe the thought coordinating stuff is intimidating. Maybe they’re lazy but really like you. Who knows. You have figured out that if you want to continue to see them, this is the price of admission. It’s up to you to figure out if it is acceptable.
Anonymous
Some people are the planners. I am. I could waste time being annoyed but instead I’m just happy that people say yes to plans with me!
lazy friend
So I’m your friends. I love my friends, but I am not a natural planner. I work a lot, which makes it spend time finding fun stuff to do and commit to plans I may have to bail on because of work. I also need a lot of downtime. I also get nervous and shy about asking my friends to hang out (yeah I know I’m in therapy), which is probably why I fell into the habit of accepting invites rather than making them myself for my whole life. The point is that I *love* my friends who are the social chairs of the group/ who do the leg work. I really appreciate the effort that they put in and I wish I had the wherewithal to do it myself. Honestly, they spoil me because I know that they’ll do it. I’m sure your friends have a host of reasons for not taking as much initiative, and that it has 0% to do with you, and that they are really grateful that you take the reins!
cake
Same boat here, and it frustrates me endlessly. With very few exceptions, I’m always the one planning and coordinating and suggesting times/dates/activities to get my girlfriends together. When my life gets busy and I don’t do this, then we don’t see each other for months (and we’re all childless, so that’s not it). When we do get together, they say “gosh, this has been so much fun, we should do this more often!” and I just mentally roll my eyes and wonder why it never occurs to them to initiate plans, if they are, in fact, game for getting together more. I’m not an extrovert, either, if you’re wondering. “Plans” with friends can even mean leggings + couch + fun movies + wine, but again, no one but me ever takes the initiative to plan it.
Anon
Ha. I’ve been there too. Friends will look all bewildered and say, “Yeah, we should hang out more. I don’t know why we don’t.” And it’s like… uh, maybe because you never ever reach out.
Anonymous
It is like that for me, too! Honestly you may as well ask them about it bluntly – ” I love hanging out with you guys, but I feel like I’m always the one initiating the plans. I hope that doesn’t mean that you are not interested?” and keep on initiating. People will say that they’re soooo busy, but IME they’re pretty much all single women with no responsibilities and 9-5 jobs. I think most people are just low key and enjoying sitting on the couch on the weekends. Some people get overwhelmed by doing stuff and I feel like they count thinking about it as labor that keeps them busy, but that 2 hour brunch is not really going to torpedo a “busy” day of watching Netflix and doing your laundry.
CountC
I love my friends, I do, but I need more down time these days than I used to. I am a planner, but there are so many more days when I would rather sit at my house in my pjs and read versus go out with people/meet up with people. It has NOTHING to do with them, I just don’t initiate much these days.
Seeing as your friends are always willing to do things when you ask, I would either let it go or point blank bring it up. YMMV / know your friends.
Anonymous
Normal. I’m like you… an introverted planner. And as you reach your 30’s, more friends are marrying off and then they initiate even less……if ever.
Finally I got tired of always planning, and stopped. Unfortunately, that means I see almost no one, and all of our fun outings have just stopped. And with married folks, if you drop off the radar you will disappear for good as they naturally cluster with married/parents types …. Huge generalization, but true.
Only you can decide if it is worth it to you. I just got too tired!
Anonymous
Maybe TMI, but any tips for dealing with possible food poisoning when you have a big meeting? I’ll be at work till 8 PM tonight, and I keep running to the bathroom. Does immodium work? I’ve never taken it, but a coworker suggested it. But what does it actually do…I feel like my stomach is swimming as well as diarrhea. Should I eat? I ate an apple and some mint tea. I figured coffee would exacerbate the problem. UGH!! FOOEY, as Ellen would say.
Anonymous
Omg yes!!! Take Imodium. It totally works. Go take it right now.
Anonymous
Slippery Elm works too.
Feel better!
Also Gas X or Gelusil can go a long way in making you feel comfortable enough to work.
Don’t eat milk or sugar but do eat if you can.
Wildkitten
You should be able to call your doctor and get an antibiotic that you can take immediately. I don’t know how long those take to work, but I was given them for an international travel trip in case I got bad food poisoning.
Anonymous
No, that’s nonsense. Antibiotics take a minimum of 12 hours to work, usually closer to 24 hours. I travel abroad to developing countries a lot and the recommendation I’ve always been given (by many different doctors) is to take Immodium immediately and only start the antibiotics if the diarrhea does not resolve on its own within a couple of days or if you see bl*od in the diarrhea. Antibiotics are a last resort to have to avoid disrupting your travel to go to a hospital, they are definitely not intended as a first line of defense. Also note that “food poisoning” abroad is really caused by e.coli (but not the same kind of e. coli that sometimes makes people sick in the US) contaminated water and is generally a much more serious illness than food poisoning in the US. Acute diarrhea can be caused by many things, including things as benign as eating a greasy, high-fat meal, and it’s very likely OP does not have any kind of bacterial infection, in which case antibiotics would do absolutely nothing.
Nati
Second this. Immodium will work but I think it’s not the best when you suspect your stomach upset is due to food poisoning.
Anonymous
Antibiotics are usually only recommended for some types of food poisoning and are not prescribed for common types. I usually carry them when I travel, but my doctors says strictly to only use them if I suspect I have something like typhoid – high fever and all that. If she doesn’t have a fever, it is probably not worth calling.
Spirograph
There’s a difference between food poisoning and food borne illness. An active infection will have a fever (most likely) and antibiotics may be appropriate. If you have diarrhea without fever, it’s just as likely a reaction to the waste products of bacteria, which can still be in the food after the actual bacteria have been killed by cooking or your stomach acid or whatever. Antibiotics will not help. Overuse/misuse of antibiotics is not good for you as an individual or the world in general. Please don’t contribute to it! Most “food poisoning” runs its course in a day. Take the Imodium and go to the doctor if it’s not better tomorrow.
Anon in NOVA
Take the immodium now!! Also apples are the last thing you need to be eating, stick to toast, rice, etc. Hot liquids are going to make it worse too.
pugsnbourbon
STAY HYDRATED. I fainted in front of almost my entire high school once after a bout of something similar.
Anonymous
Please go home, no matter how important your meeting is. You may have a highly contagious virus, not food poisoning. The general rule of thumb is to stay home for 24 hours after diarrhea and vomiting have both subsided.
Betty
How do you all keep focused and actually get work done while waiting for test results? We are waiting for a couple more days for results from my son’s biopsy. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I don’t want to take time off now because I may need to take substantial time off shortly.
CHJ
I’m sorry, Betty. I hope everything is ok. For how to focus at work, my advice is don’t force it. Close your door, turn on Pandora, and accomplish any mindless/routine tasks that you can (making PowerPoints, reviewing documents, whatever the equivalent is at your job). Take breaks and go for a walk outside a few times today, too.
Wildkitten
Honestly? I could not. Maybe with Xanax and a hugely important deadline, but even then only maybe. This is a situation in which I think it is totally understandable to be unable to focus or get any work done. Good luck.
Dulcinea
That sounds really hard. I am so sorry. What I suggest is to take a bunch of time to make a detailed “to do list.” Make it super organized and detailed. EG, instead of “draft opp to Motion for summary judgment” write: (1) Organize client docs; (2) draft affidavit; (3) outline fact section (4) outline argument…” Also, include on your list things like, “clean off desk” and “email Joe re scheduling meeting.” After you have made the list just pick the easiest thing and do it. Go through the ist slowly and methodically cross things off. Prioritize things that dont require you to actually speak to people in person/the phone. Take breaks whenever needed for tea/water/fresh air. Give yourself permission to be slow and inefficient.
Dulcinea
Should have included- put “make list” on your list and cross it off when done.
Sloan Sabbith
This. This is how I get through days when there are REALLY TERRIBLE THINGS going on. And I’ve had a lot of them in the past year- including waiting on terrifying test results. “Make to do list” is absolutely something you can list- and cross off when done.
Otherwise, if you can, shut your office door- or move things to a conference room and shut that door. Turn your IM system, if your company has it, to “Do Not Disturb.” Put in headphones. Do only what you have to do, and if you finish your absolutely-must-dos, be done. Figure out what you absolutely cannot put off. Do those. For many, many other things, you can not do them now, or delegate, or push them back, or, honestly, put minimal effort into them and do them. Prioritize like a mother.
Spirograph
I don’t know, because I think it’s extremely normal and human to be distracted in that situation. I hope your coworkers understand that. I hope you give yourself permission to be inefficient because you love your son and are worried. And I hope the results of the biopsy are reassuring. Big hugs to you. Fresh air and sunshine may not help get your work done, but they always make me feel better than sitting in my office; feeling better is a reasonable priority in this situation, so definitely take breaks as much as you can.
anon anon armani
I am going though this for myself. Being busy at work has helped me, but then I distracted often. So I give myself permission to be distracted for say 5-10 mintues .. then back to matters at hand. When there’s not a task, I find my mind going directly back to my worries. So I’ve used classical music to get myself calm(ish) and then do all of the organizing and planning that other posters recommend. My heart aches for you…take care of yourself and you kidlet.
ezt
I’m so sorry. That sounds unbearably hard. I wouldn’t be able to focus and probably wouldn’t even try. You are amazing for trying. I really hope everything turns out ok.
Meredith Grey
My office is going to purchase standing-to-sitting desks. Does anyone have experience with these and can share the pro’s & con’s? Also, if I go through with it, I’d also consider getting a small stepper device to put under my desk, so if anyone uses something like that and can speak to it, I’m all ears!
Wildkitten
I had a Varidesk. You have to remember to keep using it.
Sydney Bristow
I have a Varidesk too. I like it. I’d get a mat to stand on as well. I’ve tried a few different variations, but the best for me is to stand barefoot on my mat. A very slight wedge heel without the mat is also ok for me.
Build up over time! I like a 30 min standing/1 hour sitting schedule at first building up to 1+ hour standing/30 min sitting over time. There is a Varidesk app that reminds you when to sit and when to stand.
SuziStockbroker
I have one, and need a mat. I almost never raise it and stand!
Blonde Lawyer
I have a kangaroo jr. For me, I needed to be able to adjust both the sit/stand part as well as the distance between keyboard and monitor. I’m long legged but short torso. So, I need to lower my monitor when I sit and raise it when I stand. I also opted for the two small side tables so I can reach all my work while standing. I love it. My coworker went with the varidesk and he wishes he got mine.
Anonymous
I have a desk with a motor in it that goes up and down. I have one of those memory foam kitchen mats for when I’m standing. I just push it out of the way when I sit. If the desk is the right height I don’t think you’d need any kind of step? I’m not sure what “stepper device” means.
I bought the desk myself (office wouldn’t pay for it) and it’s been well worth it to me. I probably stand for 30-40 minutes and then sit for a similar amount of time alternating throughout the day.
anon
I was so jealous until I read that you paid for it. I may want to do that in my new office. Will have to see what the culture is…
CMT
We have very fancy standing desks in our office and I don’t know that there are any cons. Honestly, I rarely stand, but I do like to have the option. It can be nice for boring conference calls; I pace around the office during those to stay awake. Otherwise I keep it at a sitting level and it’s just like a regular desk.
Gail the Goldfish
They are awesome. My only con is my phone is on the side desk instead of the sit-to-stand desk and the cord isn’t quite long enough for it to be comfortable if I’m standing.
Godzilla
Get a new cord!
SD
I’ve had them before and wish I had one now! Keep comfy shoes with arch support by your desk so you can slip into them. Consider maybe getting a tall stool instead of a desk chair so you can take small sitting breaks without moving the desk up and down, maybe?
Pro: lots of research about how sitting too much is unhealthy; standing desks can help
Con: I’ve heard about people dealing with other issues from standing TOO MUCH, like water retention or varicose veins. So try to balance it out.
always a bridesmaid
Unique bachelorette weekend game ideas? Chill group, weekend trip, bride has requested no paraphernalia.
Heather
We asked the groom several questions about their relationship and his own preferences and then quizzed the bride with those questions/his answers. It was a fun way for us to all get to know the groom better and tease the bride if she got an answer incorrect. Super chill, played over wine and cheese!
Anonymous
The Newlywed Game…we did this at my bridal shower and it was a lot of fun.
KMO
We did this too, and filmed the groom responding to the questions. After we asked the bride the questions, we played the video of the groom. It was really low-tech (iPhone video streamed to Apple TV I think) but it was cute to see the groom’s face and hear his tone in the responses. Also the bride didn’t know we’d made the video, and was really surprised/excited bc the groom was the type of guy who generally avoids photos, much less videos
Wildkitten
Cards Against Matrimony.
greeneyed
Is this a real thing? I played Cards Against Humanity for the first time at a bachelorette party (3 years ago) and it was awesome. The game may be passe now though.
Wildkitten
Yes.
Anonymous
We always play the underwear game – everyone brings a pair of underwear (not wrapped), the bride has to guess who gave her each pair.
Anonymous
I have a senior co-worker who I think may be trying to gaslight me. He will say one thing and then later deny that he ever said it and accuse me of misremembering or making things up. It has gotten to the point where I have started memorializing all agreements regarding tasks and deliverables in e-mail, but I can’t possibly document every single conversation we have. Anyone have a similar experience? Tips for managing this person? He is painting this as a performance issue on my part, even though I’m doing my job just fine.
Anonymous
If you do notes to file – type them up and send them to yourself in an email instead of in a word document. It time/date stamps it that way you can
“It has gotten to the point where I have started memorializing all agreements regarding tasks and deliverables in e-mail” – this is great, but can you add to it? Like quick one line emails “As discussed at XYZ meeting, I’ll update the agreement re: ABC and send it to you when updated, and you’re going to do 123 thing.” then you have the email where you send him the ABC agreement and reference the earlier email.
Once he realizes you are documenting everything, he may back off a bit because he’ll realize that he can’t be successful via this method.
Anonymous
Some of this is so difficult to document. Example: Co-worker criticized my work on project X because I did not do Y. I said, “I did not do thing Y because it would not be appropriate in this case. For example, we did not do thing Y on similar project Z.” Co-worker: “Actually, we did do thing Y on project Z. It’s too late for you to fix the mistake now, though.”
Two weeks later: Co-worker asks me to redo project X. I ask, “Should I take this opportunity to add thing Y as you mentioned earlier?” Co-worker replies that he never asked me to do thing Y, it would not work, and we didn’t do thing Y on similar project Z. Then says that I have been making things like this up frequently.
I just don’t know how I can feasibly document Every. Single. Interaction. that I have with this person.
Coach Laura
If you are the OP Anonymous above, this is very bad news and extremely hard to adequately fight.
Continue to document. Talk to a mentor/trusted colleague.
Look for a new position.
Sorry.
Senior Attorney
Donald Trump’s lawyers dealt with this problem by always meeting with him in pairs. That’s probably not an option for you, sadly…
jwalk
I had the same issue with a former manager, who was most definitely gaslighting me but also honestly didn’t remember most of the time, and had many other issues to boot. Ultimately I ended up changing managers, but in the interim I did try to document everything and then just accepted the things that my manager didn’t remember. She trusted me enough that generally with work projects if she didn’t remember but I did she would defer to me, but there were many other very upsetting situations where she misremembered/misconstrued things and it really hurt. If this person is senior to you, there’s probably no way they will change and I would recommend looking for another job or switching managers if at all possible. If they’re on the same level, just disagree with them. “No, you did tell me that we did Y on similar project Z, I distinctly remember. However, if you don’t want me to add Y, I won’t.”
get out now
Yeah, get a new job or get away from this person as fast as possible. If this person has the ability to make this a significant performance issue for you, you’re in for it. I had an abusive a**hole boss who tanked my job doing this. He started out slowly, testing my boundaries and reactions and seeing how I responded to accusations on smaller things, and it escalated until he was blaming me for failures on $20 million dollar projects, for clients taking away work, etc. It was the same thing: ‘why did xyz happen!?!?’ ‘because you said abc.’ ‘I never ever said that.’ ‘I have it in writing.’ ‘You’re a terrible employee anyway.’
At a certain point, all the documentation in the world won’t save you from someone with power. He demanded that I be fired because all that documentation I was doing basically created a paper trail of his failures. All the documentation in the world didn’t matter because management preferred to stick their head in the sand and pretend that the problem didn’t exist.
Keep a daily journal of everything that goes on, too. This will allow you to see patterns and if you need it, you have a record of what’s been going on.
Anonymous
Is this person actually in charge of reviewing you?
My boss has pretty serious memory problems, which have on a couple of occasions led to accusations of poor performance on my part. I don’t know if I respond to those in the absolutely best way, but what I do is simply state clearly and calmly what actually happened and when I said or did whatever I’m accused of not having done. Then I try to move on and not let it bother me, with extremely mixed success.
Like you I try to document as much as possible but it’s simply impossible to document _everything_. For situations where I didn’t document in writing, I just categorically refuse to accept blame. I don’t _assign_ blame, but I refuse to accept it for myself.
anonymous
I need to vent. I work for a small consulting company, and fall under the reporting structure of a very senior guy who is definitely an alcoholic (takes one to know one, I am in recovery). He shows up drunk at 9am, frequently has four martini lunches, and drives home sh*tfaced from work, sometimes all three of these things combined in one day. I am most concerned about the driving part of this. If he were just drunk at work without getting behind the wheel, I honestly would not care. He isn’t inappropriate, aggressive, or in any way difficult to be around when intoxicated. Is there anything I can do? This company is a boys club, so HR won’t do anything about it, though I haven’t tried yet. I am looking for a new job, because of this issue and many others.
LF
Ask A Manager has you covered: http://www.askamanager.org/2013/09/when-your-boss-is-a-raging-alcoholic.html
Anonymous
Go to HR even if you think they will do nothing. You might be surprised, and it might make you feel a bit better to have at least told someone who _should_ do something about it, even if they choose to abrogate that responsibility.
ANon
Call the police and tell them you’d like to make an anonymous report. They’ll snag him on the way out of your building. A DUI won’t get him to sober up, but if he’s jailed for any amount of time (esp. if it happens more than once), HR will have to get involved because he’ll need to explain the absences.
I have zero tolerance for drunk driving. I’d call the cops on my mother, my father, my child, and Jesus himself if it kept a drunk driver off the road. With Uber around, how are people still stupid enough to drive drunk? I have zero tolerance. Give me your supervisor”s name and I’ll call the cops myself.
A
Can’t you just phone police after he gets in his car and report suspected drunk driver?