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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 277 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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sexy-velvet-dressSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Oooh: yes. Love this slinky sheath dress in THE fabric of the season, velvet — and I love that it comes in a pretty blue as well as this “bottle green.” Fabulous. The green has lots of sizes left, the blue has lucky sizes only, and the petites in both colors are also down to lucky sizes — so if you like it, you may want to act fast. It's $118 at Nordstrom. Felicity & Coco Velvet Sheath Midi Dress (Nordstrom Exclusive) This black velvet flocked dress is fabulous also but in a different way — and it comes in plus, regular, and petite sizes. P.S. Remember, we'll be discussing the movie 9 to 5 on Monday! You can borrow it from your local library or rent/buy it from iTunes or Amazon. (L-all)

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. anon in SV

    I love this dress. Someone please buy it and tell us how fabulous you look in it.

    • DC Anon

      Bought the green for Christmas parties! I have the non-velvet version of this dress in navy and it’s incredibly flattering. Obviously not for work, but it’s a great choice for a night out.

    • Maybe functionally the same thing

      It’s on its way to me for an early November wedding. I’ll provide a full report (honestly, I’m concerned that I might be too pear-shaped for it to work), and am currently soliciting shoe recommendations–all of my party shoes are sandals and I think they might look seasonally weird.

    • Anonymous

      Does anyone know where I can purchase dresses, skirts, or blazers made from cotton or silk velvet? Would I have to have such a garment made? I can’t do polyester.

      • Shopping

        Same here! I really wish Kat would tell us fabric content. So annoying to click through to something I think I like, then click through to fabric and find its a no-go.

      • Anonymous

        I wouldn’t expect any massed produced items to use silk velvet. That is almost guaranteed to be couture or custom made.

  2. Anon

    Can anyone recommend a fragrance-free, phthalate-free shampoo and conditioner that actually work? My hair is thick and below the shoulder and it seems almost greasy/not smooth and shiny and I think it’s due to the natural-ish shampoos that I use not actually working. My nose has become accustomed to fragrance-free blends and I don’t want to go back to drugstore brands that are full of fake smells, but is there a decent natural brand that actually works well?

    • Anonymous

      I think Paula’s Choice has some fragrance free options.

      I find it interesting that you find your greasy hair to NOT be smooth/shiny. That’s usually when my (thick, fine) hair is its shiniest – when it is greasy and hasn’t been washed in 3-4 days.

    • Anon

      I wanted to ask similar question but related to skin care products. I use Jason shampoo and conditioner that has phthalate-free and paraben free. The flavour I use has fragrance in it. However they have a fragrance free version. I will switch to fragrance free version when I buy next time.

      I love Jason products, I use their body was as well. I have dry skin and they work very well (ie don’t leave my skin parched, yet cleanse nicely) and they are not expensive.

      • Anon

        Also..I have been using Jason products (body wash, shampoo and conditioner) for last two years and bought the same for my mother and aunt who live in a different country where this is not available and these products are the only thing they want me to get them when I visit them.

        • Anonny

          Those actually have a lot of known irritants if you actually read the ingredients. Not even kind of sort of Natural, just as bad as buying dove or pantene , the packaging is misleading.

          • Anon

            I see (on the site that I buy from) they are free of animal by-products, animal testing, parabens, SLS or phthalates. What else should I be worried about? It would be helpful for me to decide if I should use this or find something else.

          • Anonny

            It may be SLS free but it has other sulfates in it (harsh detergents), alcohols (dry out your hair and scalp), petrol derivatives, and both acids and bases as well as salts. It’s really bad stuff with good packaging

        • Anonymous

          I use the shampoo, the deep conditioning treatment (but I use it as a regular conditioner; my hair is really dry), and the spiralicious gel.

    • Anonny

      Carina Organics is excellent. It’s what I use and it doesn’t have petrol ingredients or other allergens, it’s not just pretending to be natural, there isn’t a single bad thing in there. That said they do tote the “no toxins” b*llsh*t, when really they just mean no irritants. Silicones clog up my pores and sulfates give me rashes so I had to look high and low for a good shampoo. Otherwise I look like I have red bumpy dandruff.

    • Anonymous

      I had to go back to shampoo with low sulfates because natural shampoos weren’t getting my hair clean. Also, if you use any hair products with silicones etc, natural shampoos aren’t strong enough to clean them off.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Trader Joe’s spa line – it’s been amazing for my hair, and I’m pretty sure it meets all of your requirements (I know its vegan and phthalate-free, and the scent is pretty mild.)

    • Nancy

      I have the same type of hair and use Shea Moisture products. Especially the products with Jamaican Black Castor Oil and the raw Shea Butter hair mask.

    • Sydney Bristow

      When we were looking to buy a living room chair and ottoman, I fell in love with this really rich green fabric that was available. I was so disappointed when I realized it was velvet. Velvet fabric + cat seems like a disaster in the making to me.

      • Anonymous

        That would probably be more feasible – I’m just trying to imagine sweating in this dress, pitting out, and then not being able to clean it well.

      • Elyse

        George was a dufus, especially when it came to women, but I can’t believe that so many women in the 1990’s would go out with him, with some even sleeping with him on multiple occasions! That would absolutely never happen in today’s world, where we are far more discerning than our counterparts were 25 years ago!

  4. Jdubs

    My open plan office has no operable windows and no fresh air, only recirculating air. It feels like a giant petri dish in here. One person came in sick Monday and by Friday 15% of the office is out sick. Is there any way to avoid the germs in this situation? It’s going to be a long winter.

    • Anonymous

      Office policy that encourages working from home when sick but not so sick as to need to take a sick day.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Or generous sick leave that is separate from vacation time. Sorry co-workers, I’m not giving up a trip to Europe just because you might catch a cold from me.

        • Sara

          I get that, but I would encourage you to still stay home anyway. You have no idea how dangerous a common cold or flu can be for someone who is immunosuppressed. And I’ll never forgive the jerk who came into work sick, sat in a 4×4 conference space with me (telling me at the end of the meeting), and made me spend my brother’s wedding a sick mess.

          • Anonymous

            Someone who is so immunosuppressed that they could get seriously ill from a common cold should let people know and ask for accommodations if necessary, like a private office. I also can’t really imagine someone who is that immunosupressed spending much time outside their home at all. The common cold is everywhere and the office isn’t the only place you may catch it.
            I stay home when I have the flu. Cold v. flu are very different, imo.

          • Anonymous

            You know that you’re contagious beginning about a day before you display any symptoms, right? It’s very likely that these people that you think are choosing to make you sick would have made you sick anyway, even if they’d stayed home as soon as they knew they were sick. And I don’t know about you, but when I get a cold I only feel rundown and miserable for a day or two but I’m sick (and likely contagious) for the better part of a week. If I took a week off work every time I got a simple cold, I would basically never be at work.
            I agree that working from home is an optimal solution, but many people cannot do that and must be in the office or use leave.

          • Anonymous

            +1. I have young kids. I have cold symptoms basically non-stop from November to March. It sucks. But obviously I can’t work from home/take sick days for five months straight. I stay home when my colds turn into bronchitis (about 3x per year) but that’s about it.

          • Shopping

            “I also can’t really imagine someone who is that immunosupressed spending much time outside their home at all”

            Friend of mine who had non-Hosgekins lymphoma (bone marrow cancer) had a spinal fluid transplant (or something like that). Her immune system had to start over. She was very susceptible to illness for years after going into remission, and not about to give up working when she could finally go back. With ever more people surviving cancer, I don’t think she is so incredibly rare.

        • I Get to Exist Too

          I’m one of those immunosuppressed people; when I catch a cold, it can end with me in the hospital. I’m not going to be a hermit because you can’t exhibit common courtesy and work from home when you’re sick. I have the right to exist, work, and be in a space, too. I do everything I can to not get sick, but it’s not fair that I have to take every single bit of the responsibility for not catching YOUR illness. If you come in and you’re exhibiting cold symptoms, wear a hospital mask. They’re $10 for a box of 50 at drugstores- cheaper than your oh-so-important trip to Europe.

    • Practical germ tips

      To prevent spreading germs: Wash your hands. A ton. It’s critical after using the restroom (even before) and before eating. Soap and water, don’t use antibacterial soap or hand sanitizer. Avoid touching your face, which is tricky when absentminded fall-allergies-induced eye rubbing starts. I do use Clorox wipes on my phone and desk once or twice a week. Hit the flush button with your foot. Try not to touch the door handle coming out of the restroom because not everyone washes their hands.

      To prevent getting sick when the germs inevitably touch you: water, sleep, healthy diet, exercise, avoid stress. Some which are doable and some which are not always doable, just try your best :)

  5. Cat

    Man, the 90’s really are back. I had a black version of this dress in junior high and I felt SO sophisticated-yet-cute wearing it with my patent mary jane flats.

  6. Ugh

    My friends had a birthday party for their one-year old a few years ago. They invited over 70 people, it was around lunchtime, and they only provided chips, cookies, and cake. Now, we have to go to their second kid’s one-year birthday party tomorrow and I’m guessing it will be the same type of thing. The last time is seemed like such a gift-grab to me – inviting all those people and then providing almost nothing to eat (while at the same time excessively decorating). Also, with so many guests invited there’s a ridiculous amount of presents. Anyone have any ideas for easy gifts to find for around $20 for a one-year old (and am I being too cheap by spending only $20?)? Also am I a horrible person for being this agitated by a one-year old’s birthday party (I wouldn’t go, but my DH is insisting)!?

    • Anonymous

      70 guests!?! Who has room in their house for 70 people? Are you friends with the British Royals? Also why do you have to go? Just decline. If they really have 70 people there I doubt they’ll even notice your absence.

        • ANon

          It was crazy when I thought it was at their house. Renting out a community center for a 1yr old’s birthday is absolutely nuts! If the 2nd birthday is going to be the same nonsense, I’d refuse to go on principle alone. It’s not like a 2 yr old would even remember the day

          • ANon

            Oops.. misread the part that it’s for the second 1 yr old, but my sentiment is the same. Also, I wouldn’t bring a gift if there are going to be that many people. What 1 yr old needs 70 gifts? As for the food, could you call the parents and ask whether they’ll be serving food? Tell them you’re only asking b/c last time you were starving and you want to be better prepared this time.

    • CPA Lady

      I think the rule of thumb is to spend less than $20 actually, as a mother of a toddler acquainted with the birthday party circuit. At my kid’s 1 year old party, I said “no gifts” and for her 2 year old party, I didn’t specify and had a small party. The three people who brought gifts brought:

      1. a board book and puzzle
      2. a shape sorter
      3. a book

      None of these things probably cost more than $15. It was perfect. Granted, I’m not a gift grabby kind of person, and would have been fine with nothing. I think family members maybe go more overboard, but that’s because they want to.

      I would be irritated by the lack of real food given the time of day. At least order some pizzas, people.

      • anon

        I agree – we’re in a HCOL and typical birthday party gifts for the under-5 set are ~$10-15. A book, a little toy, whatever.

      • Shopping

        I knew the people who came to my sons first would bring toys anyway, so I requested stuff to go with the Thomas the Train set he was getting from his cousins (i.e., the one they played with). One family went wild and got him a couple of nice stops, another brought a couple pieces of connecting track. I thought it worked out well.

    • Anonymous

      A 70 person 1 year old party is totally about parent glorification. That’s overwhelming and not enjoyable for a kid.

      Buy washable fingerpaints at Michaels. Under $20 plus genuinely fun for the kid and kind of annoying for the parents – but I’m passive aggressive like that.

      • Walnut

        I think this is also a great opportunity to gift one of those giant lollipops.

      • Anon Midwest

        There is a lovely toddler drum set, it might be over 20, but I would totally go for that, because NOISE!

      • pugsnbourbon

        A miniature musical instrument set is more than $20 but very satisfying for the giver.

      • Shopping

        I’ll agree it’s about the parents, but not necessarily their glorification. They could just be excited about their kid. That’s a good thing.

    • Legally Brunette

      Not providing enough food for guests is my #1 pet peeve about hosting. Party at lunchtime = lunch for all guests. Agree with others that a small gift is plenty — couple of board books, a puzzle, Play Doh, crayons, etc.

    • Laura B

      Books are always the answer to what to get kids. Especially with that many people – they’ll get plenty of toys and clothes.

    • greeneyed

      I get the annoyance, but they may just be really inexperienced party planners. I think $20 is fine for a 1 year old’s gift. After all, he’s going to grow out of anything soon. I got a friend a subscription to Highlight’s junior magazine for about that much.

      • Anon

        She said the other kid’s party was excessively decorated. Seems like the parents were more concerned with Pinterest-worthy photos than their guests being fed.

    • could be cultural

      In some cultures, the first birthday is a big deal and doesn’t mean all subsequent birthdays get this type of attention. My uncle had a 150+ person pig roast party for my cousin’s first birthday because that’s what people do in his culture.

    • Bonnie

      Go to Marshall’s and get something for $10. Definitely don’t need to spend more.

    • ChiLaw

      My kiddo loves Maisy books — Maisy Cleans Up; Maisy Goes to Bed etc.

      If you feel vengeful, get something with buttons that plays music — like the baby iPad knockoffs.

      If you’re legit interested in the development of the kid in question get real kid-safe musical instruments: xylophone, tiny piano, bongos, maracas. They’re not too loud and they’re really fun for kids that age. Our kid (now over a year and a half! what?!) also loves her harmonica and slide whistle, even if she’s not expert at using them. You could make a really cute gift set with a few of those things.

  7. anon

    Sooo this is awkward. I am one of those lucky ones who has never had an o. But I have always really enjoyed the encounters anyway and there are definitely intense moments. So I was just reading a book that says women’s os are longer and less intense. So now I’m wondering if I’ve actually had one and just didn’t know it or identify it. Any thoughts?

    • Good Vibrations

      I can only get there with a “power tool,” unfortunately. Have you tried that? I think you would know if you’ve had one.

        • Anonymous

          Or make sure you have some reading or video material to put you in the right frame of mind. I more of a written word girl myself, but definitely need it to get the motors revving. My imagination just isn’t that good on its own. And even then, it took a while to train myself to recognize what felt good and furthered the effort. It was definitely a learning process.

          That said, if you are fine with the status quo, don’t sweat it. As long as it feels good…

    • Anon for this

      You would know. I did not have an o until several years after I became sexually active – not until my mid-twenties (so 6ish years of sexual activity without an o, had never had one by myself). I totally echo your sentiment of enjoying it and having intense moments (sometimes very intense) and very pleasurable sensations. Like you, I wondered if I was actually having one during those intense moments.

      It ended up becoming somewhat of an issue in my relationships – guys felt terrible they couldn’t give me one, etc. After breaking it off with one serious bf, I told myself I was going to have one if it killed me. This was not part of the spectrum of human life I was willing to miss out on. I spent a lot of hours self-gardening until I figured out how to give myself one. The feeling is pretty unmistakable and it was immediately clear I had never had one before.

      After the first, it got progressively easier to give myself one and I can now bring myself to one during LGP which has been a huge help to my married life!

    • Never too many shoes...

      I do not want to ruin your dream or anything, but certainly from my own perspective, you would definitely know.

    • So, so, so Anon for this

      Do you mind if I ask how old you are? I seriously doubt you would have had one and not known it. Have you tried any personal toys for external use? You could try those with or without a partner. It will make the encounters better once you figure out how you o. Does that make sense?

    • Anonymous

      No, you would definitely know if you’ve had one. There’s no mistaking it.

      I can’t O with a partner, just by myself. I still enjoy s$x.

    • Anon for this

      For me, I haven’t been able to get one unless there is oral play – never with just p in v. I think that is somewhat common with women. We always start with oral before other kinds of gardening.

    • Anon

      Girl, you are not alone. Mid-30s and in the same boat, no matter how hard I try, with every tool, after having read every resource. I ask myself this same question all the time. Some sexologists (notably Betty Dodson) disagree with the “you’ll just know it when it happens” sentiment (seriously–read her site, it’s illuminating and somewhat freeing), so while many people believe this, it may not be true for all people and it’s possible you (and I) are having small ones. Idk how we’ll ever actually know.

        • Anonita

          Yup, same with me. I wish there was a way to know, since that’s almost more frustrating. Sometimes it’s tricky to convince partners I’m still enjoying myself, but otherwise it’s fine. Tools and research haven’t helped.

          Thanks for starting the conversation, incidentally.

          • Anon

            Oh, absolutely. Given the number of questions from readers on Betty’s site, and the number of times she’s responded to questions of this nature over the years (hundreds), it’s clear that this is a much more widespread phenomenon than any women’s magazine would acknowledge.

    • Anonymous

      You’re not alone. I’m in my 30s, happily married (and had LGPs with several ex-bfs before my husband) and never had one. I really enjoy LGPs with my husband though and feel a lot of pleasure even without the ultimate moment. I don’t self-garden. I just don’t feel any desire to do it and the few times I’ve tried it because I felt like I should see what I was missing, I didn’t get any pleasure out of it.

      • anon

        OP here. This is how I am!!! I just don’t enjoy it when I try by myself. And when we do it together, I get impatient. Bahhh.

        • Another Anon

          Same here! No advice from me, only sympathy hugs. Hope we all get there someday.

        • Shopping

          I just hate it that this pressure is put on women these days! !!
          They are nice when they happen, and I was glad when I learned there was a word for why I got cramps in my arches during, but working so hard for one just seems perverse.
          Enjoy your partner and your relationship. I hope the hype doesn’t somehow disrupt you two.

    • Baconpancakes

      I’m going to be the voice of caution/dissent here – I gardened by myself for years before gardening with a partner, and never seemed to get over the hill, but enjoyed it enough, and enjoyed it when I did start gardening with a partner. However, I always ended the session feeling like I was almost but not quite there, and the more my partner paid attention to my plants, the more I felt like I was being held back. Eventually I tried power tools, and that’s what got me to push over the hill, and once I started doing that, it got easier with a partner as well.

      If you’re a person who overthinks things (or is on antidepressants – both were true of me), you might be thinking yourself out of the end result, and just pushing through (with the extreme power tools) is what helps you stop.

      • Annie

        This is me exactly — it took a tool to first get me over the hill, although I can get there with oral as well.

        I actually don’t enjoy LGP that much (only have done it with DH), and we got a small tool to use during, which has made it so much better. Don’t give up! Also, I know OP said that she’s tried a number of tools — I had a few that didn’t get me over the hill, but then DH got me a really nice little one that cost a bit of money but is TOTALLY worth it. It made such a big difference.

      • anon

        What specifically are extreme power tools? (Is it crazy to ask for specific recs on this place here on the webs?)

        • Anonymous

          I recommend this every time this comes up on the site but ladies, do yourself a favor and get a Lelo.

          Personally, I’m a fan of “bullet” style v1brators that are rechargeable (not battery operated) and have multiple intensity settings.

          They’re pricey but you cannot go wrong with a Lelo.

          Also, it’s worth going to a store and talking to the people who work there if you have no prior experience buying power tools. It can be intimidating, and the first time I literally drove half an hour out of town late at night, but it was well worth it!!

          • Anonymous

            Yay! I’m glad I’m not the only Lelo die-hard here. If there was an MLM for those things, I would make an exception to my no MLM life rule. Every single woman should have one!

          • Sydney Bristow

            I’ve heard this rec in other places too and I was in need of a new one so I just ordered one. There’s an option for a 20% off code if you take their survey.

          • pugsnbourbon

            There is a reason this is a classic. It sounds like a lawnmower and has to be plugged in, but it gets. the.job.done.

          • CountC

            Yep. Yep. Yep. I have to keep smaller ones around because the wand is just too much sometimes!

            I didn’t have one until I was 33. It took therapy (past trauma), tools, wanting one, and practice. Now I am mostly 100% with a tool and fairly frequent with oral. But never p in v, which is fine because with the right person that’s fun regardless!

          • anon

            +1- it takes no prisoners! This is the most powerful thing I’ve tried. Less powerful tools totally won’t work for me, especially when on antidepressants. It is so efficient. Seriously worth the investment.

      • First Year Anon

        I am curious about these lelo vibrators. What model do you recommend?

        • Anon

          I have either a Lily or a Nea (I don’t remember which and they look alike). It’s awesome and I highly recommend it, especially coupled with the luna beads.

    • Anonymous

      Emma Watson recommended “OMGYes.com” as a way for young women to get to know themselves in that way. It’s subscription based, but gets really good reviews.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s and this dress, tho I agree with the other OP that it is VERY difficult to clean and keep lookeing good after a few trip’s to the dry cleaner’s. I had a beautiful MAROON velvet dress that I wore on the subway, and it picked up all of the dirt from the seat, so I wound up with a tan tuchus. FOOEY! I could NOT get it dry cleaned out either, so I gave it to my cleaneing lady.

      As with the other OP’s, you must NOT rely on men to get you there b/c they are interested ONLEY in themselves, and when they are done, they just roll over and go to sleep. FOOEY on men that do NOT make sure to take care of us. With Sheketovits, I often did NOT even know when he finished, but in ALL cases, I was left 100% UNsatified. From that point foward, I swore that I would NOT sleep with a man unless he put my NEED’s first. I think we all of us need to take this approch goeing forward. YAY!!!! If the HIVE agrees, we can start a new movment to ensure that we are given equal oportunity in the bedroom. DOUBEL YAY!!!!!

      • Anonymous

        Agreed–not relevant to me personally at this point (although it would have been about 5 years ago, before I got over feeling selfish for requiring that my partner do the work to get me off), but it’s threads like these that make me so grateful to have a community where intelligent, educated women can talk through issues like this.

  8. Lesportsac Frumpy

    What does the hive think about Lesportsac bags? I recently purchased one for cheap and intend to used it as a small travel crossbody but some feedback I’ve heard ranges from it looking childish to it being a grandma bag. Link to follow.

  9. Anon

    Any advice for supervising an employee who complains every day how busy and overwhelmed he is?
    There is absolutely no way to delegate or redistribute any of his work load, and I’m already doing part of it.
    Because I believe his primary goal is attention/a raise, I’ve tried saying every day that I appreciate his work/compliment his work/etc. but he still finds it necessary to tell me every time he stays even 15 minutes late. Truly. 15 minutes, people? (He’s not an hourly employee, by the way.)
    Now he has written a memo explaining that he wants to be allowed to expense dinner if he works past 7, something that is not allowed at our (non-profit) organization. How do you help someone feel valued or at the very least just STOP WHINING?

    • pugsnbourbon

      Ask a Manager has answered similar questions before and is also just a great resource for awkward conversations.

      I think you need to lay it out for him as directly and calmly as possible. Are there others in a similar position to him who are able to complete a similar workload? Is it a time management issue?

      When you compliment him and thank him for staying later, you’re creating a feedback loop for him that may actually be perpetuating his behavior.

    • Lucy

      I think you need to sit him down for an actual chat. Something like: Donald, I’ve noticed that you’ve been complaining lately about how busy and overwhelmed you are. I’ve tried to take part of your workload to alleviate some of your stress; however, beyond that, this is the expected workload for your position going forward. Also, I’ve noticed that you now want to expense dinner. Unfortunately, that is not possible here. These things are part of working here – can you be happy in this position given this? I need to you have a positive attitude at work and part of that is understanding and agreeing to the expectations of this workplace.

      Of course, you’d have to be prepared for him to leave, but really, would it be that bad?

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Agree with the others – talk to him about what he actually wants from all of this complaining, tell him whether that’s a realistic thing he can expect to get (and what the timeline for getting it would be if it is, i.e. if he’s looking for a raise and you can’t do it now but could revisit in six months), and then ask him whether he can agree to move forward on those terms without further complaining.

      (Side note, if he has time to write a memo about being allowed to expense dinner, I’m betting that he’s busy but not actually “overloaded” – any chance he is newer to the workforce or to being exempt? This is reading like someone who doesn’t understand what having an exempt job actually means.)

      • Anonny

        I live in a place where there are legally only like 4 exempt jobs, but companies like to pretend being on salary entitles them to all your time. It doesn’t and it’s illegal. So if you are a place with laws like that be careful there might be legal action in the future.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          Good point – I was taking OP at her word that his exempt status was appropriate, but obviously, OP, double-check your company is on the right side of the law re: his status.

    • Shopping

      “Oh dear! I thought you were such a good fit. I would be so sorry if you couldn’t grow into the responsibilities of that position and had to leave”

  10. Anon for this

    A few weeks ago my boyfriend told me he thinks he loves me, but he’s not sure yet. Then earlier this week, he says he’s still not sure (we’re 6 months in, I’m not worried and I assured him it could take a little while longer, there’s no rush(, but definitely sees a future with me. Is that even possible? I know you can love someone and not see a future, but I never thought the other way around could be true.

    • Anonymous

      6 months seems like a really long time to be to not be sure about this.

      • Anonymous

        Agree. My now-DH took over six months to tell me he loved me but he also didn’t tell me he “wasn’t sure” (and when he did say it, he said he took so long because he was shy, not unsure). This is a pretty big red flag to me.

      • Nati

        Disagree. I don’t think six months is a long time.

        I think it’s a little strange for him to tell you he thinks he loves you but he’s not sure yet, instead of just waiting until he is sure to tell you. It seems he’s under some pressure (either self-imposed or from elsewhere) that’s making him overthink this.

        Assuming there haven’t been any other red flags, I’d be inclined to assume this is a pretty normal place for someone to be six months into a relationship. Falling in love with you (if not entirely there yet) and envisioning a future.

        • Anon for this

          It is odd that he told me he wasn’t sure. The line weeks ago was “I think I love you,” and then later admitted he felt bad bringing it up when he wasn’t sure yet. I was actually happy to hear it, because it sounded like he was moving in that direction. He felt like I was expecting something a little more solid, which I hope to hear soon but I’m in no rush.

          • Nati

            In this context, honestly, I think this sounds pretty benign. How old is your boyfriend? Has he been in love before? Does he generally communicate pretty openly with you about his feelings? Just reiterate that there’s no pressure and it’s not something you can overthink too much.

          • Anon for this

            I’d really rather not focus too much on whether he’s taking “too long” to fall in love since that’s not what I was asking about. I was wondering if it’s normal to envision a future with someone before falling in love with them? I always thought it happened in the opposite order, or around the same time.

          • Nati

            Yes. That’s why most people start dating someone. And most people aren’t in love with the people they’re dating from day one.

          • Nati

            I get the sense you might be younger than me, but I certainly don’t commit myself to any kind of exclusive relationship unless I think there’s long-term potential. Maybe I’m getting old.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          I think it’s pretty normal to be able to envision a future with someone you like before or even without falling in love with them. Envisioning a future, for me, is about speculating about hypotheticals, so could include some version of envisioning “if I fall in love with this person.”

          I think the question is what he means by “envision” – you seem to be taking it as a sign that he’s concretely planning or intending to plan to pursue a future with you, but if I were to say I could “envision” something, I’d mean something a lot milder – basically, just that I could hypothetically imagine a version of the world where I end up with the person, not that I was ready to actively take steps towards planning that particular outcome. It would just mean that I hadn’t ruled the person out yet.

    • SD

      What’s his history like? I said the words 2 months in because I knew it was happening, but it took me over a year to really FEEL it in a way that was indisputable.

    • cold harpy

      How old are you two?

      Some people take a long time to actually say “love.” I am one of those people. I was having a conversation with some people my age (early 30s) a few months ago and they were all voting for 3 months to be enough time to “know” you love someone. To me, that seems astonishingly fast. They all thought I was a cold harpy or something. I take the concept of “love” very seriously (not saying others don’t)- to me it means commitment and a very deep sense of caring about someone. Ie, you can take my kidney if you need it. I still “love” my long term ex because I genuinely care about his happiness and am happy knowing that he’s out there existing in the world, being the person he is.

      To me it doesn’t just mean “I really like you a lot a lot and we have great chemistry,” or “I see a future.”

      If it helps, one of my girlfriends said the L word to her BF first after about 5 months of dating and he didn’t say it back- for MONTHS. They kept dating, he said he saw a future, and he eventually said the L word, they moved in together, and he’s looking at rings. It’s been a bit over 1 year. :)

      • Anonymous

        I’m the Anon above who said 6 months seemed like a long time. I vote with your friends that if you’re in your late 20s or 30s, you know by 3 months if you love or are falling in love with someone or not – assuming regular dates. I’ve only ever told two guys I loved them – it’s not something I toss around lightly and I’m married to the second one. Both times I knew within three months. Have dated other people for longer than three months but knew I didn’t love them.

        • cold harpy

          I can absolutely see knowing whether you’re falling in love with someone or whether you anticipate that you will, but straight up being all-the-way-there in love with them? Gah. That just seems off to me. To each their own. I’m not going to alter my opinions on when I should know I’m in love because a bunch of (also single) people said three months.

          I just think its absurd to imply that there’s some sort of rule that you will know within 3 months. Props to you that it worked out that way; what I wrote was not a personal indictment of how you seriously you take the word “love.” I was just telling OP my perspective (which maybe her boy shares); you don’t need to try to tell me I’m “wrong” about this. Plus, basically all your anecdata shows is that you *can* fall in love with someone within three months, but not that you *will be in love within three months or it will never happen.*

          • Anonymous

            I didn’t take it as a personal indictment. I was just sharing my perspective as well.

      • Anonymous

        Wow! 6 months seems super quick. But then, I’m 36 and it took my 40 year old boyfriend 3.5 years to tell me he loved me and only then when I asked him why he hasn’t told me that he loved me yet. He was kind of embarrassed that he hadn’t said it yet even though it was a foregone conclusion for both of us.

        His “love language” is very strong in acts of service and very weak in words of affection. I kind of knew from about 4 months in that he loved me even though he never said the words. Even now, I only get an “I love you” about once per month.

        I would say that this is very dependent on your relationship and the guy. I wouldn’t rush into thinking that he doesn’t love you just because he hasn’t said anything.

    • Scarlett

      Do you love him? If you do, then I can see sticking it out and seeing what happens. If you don’t, it sounds like you might be the “kind of woman” he sees himself with long-term, but something might be missing there. I think love can grow between people, but I’d really encourage more to hold out for the kind of connection where there isn’t a question. I spent years with someone where I let love grow & that relationship was never right – there was always something missing (and fwiw, it took us about 6-7 months in that case to say I love you). When I met my now husband, we knew within a week (days really) that we had the kind of connection that real, true, mad love comes from. There’s plenty of reasons to settle for less than that, but if you’re not in a hurry to have kids or some other pressing reason to stick with the one your with, make sure you really really love him yourself.

    • Anon

      I’ve been cyberstalking an old flame in anticipation of moving to his area. Once I’m settled, as long as he is still single, I plan to ask him out. I have lots of crazy fantasies, but I expect both of us to be very slow with any kind of commitment, because we have both been badly burned before, including divorce. If your beau has had his heart shredded and crushed, that could account for his caution. Another possibility is that he’s one of those people for whom that phrase means “I’m ready to spend my life with you”, in which case half a year is fast.

    • Anonymous

      My husband took 9 months to tell me he loved me…and I’d already told him three months before that point. It was kind of awful in that three month interim, but everything else was wonderful, and I could tell from his actions that he loved me, even if he couldn’t say it yet. We reached a point where it became clear that he had conflated telling me he loved me with being ready to commit to me for life (not sure why!). Once he realized that was silly, he told me he loved me and about three months after that was talking about engagement rings. All of which isn’t to say it’s not a red flag, but some people have hang-ups about the “l bomb” and if everything else is going well, I’d give it a little more time.

  11. Wow

    Beautiful dress for a holiday party, not sure where else you could wear this.

    • Maybe functionally the same thing

      Early November upper-midwest (maybe semi-outdoor?) wedding (or at least I’m hoping it looks suitable for that once it gets to my house and I try it on). Holiday party re-wearability is a bonus.

      Relatedly: what shoes would be good with this at a wedding? I want to look seasonally reasonable and am happy to wear something sort of flashy/eye-catching/outrageous, particularly with a straightforward dress like this. Probably not a stiletto, due to the aforementioned possibility of an outdoor event, but if the shoes were OUTSTANDING, I’d consider it.

      • NY CPA

        If you’re ok with eye catching, Leopard print wedges or pointy-toed flats? Or a bright purple!
        Otherwise, gold shoes would be lovely.

        • Maybe functionally the same thing

          I have a great pair of rose-gold heels, but they’re essentially sandals and I think might look weird in November (particularly with a velvet dress). I guess part of the issue is that I attend almost exclusively summer fancy parties–I’m not really sure what kind of shoes don’t look seasonally out of place in colder weather, while also not being office shoes.

  12. Nan

    Waiting to hear back about a job I interviewed for and it is unbearable. i am pretty sure I landed it, but I don’t know how the offer will look. I’m so excited! What have you done when changing jobs to ease the transition? Ive been at my current for a decade so a new job at this level is making my mind spin. If I get it, i am planning to meet one on one with my new team, take them out to lunch and shadow them but what else have you done as a boss to gain respect and fit in with a new set of subordinates?

  13. Weekend Suggestions

    Any suggestions for a girls’ weekend somewhere on the East Coast in November-December? We’re in our early 30s and have a mix of SAHMs and 60+ hour workweeks. Looking for something relaxing and outdoorsy, if possible, but there are some Zika concerns, so probably not too far South.

    • Kim

      Not outdoorsy, but non-Zika and you can walk outside – Savannah. Went there on a babymoon in mid-January. The temperature was in the low 60s. Tons to do, lots to drink, and not too busy.

    • Anonymous

      It’s not on the east coast but I love New Orleans for a girls weekend, and there’s no Zika there right now (and with cooler temps coming, I wouldn’t worry about Zika there until next spring).

      • anon8

        I was going to suggest NOLA too. Plenty to do and lots of good places for food and drinks. You could stay in a nice hotel and treat yourself to some spa treatments. You could check out an airboat ride or plantation tour for something outside the city.

  14. ANP paging Famouscait

    I replied just now to your South Bend question on the morning thread.

  15. Anonymous

    Paging the person in the morning post who was asking about Hanky Panky plus thongs – I’m a 14/16 and I wear the plus size. The regular size technically fits me, but it’s tight. I love the retro style, they’re high waisted and more flattering to the tummy.

  16. Carrots

    I don’t remember who suggested Hotel de la cite Rougemont in Paris, but thank you! It was a great place and I’d highly recommend it. Also – oh my god, I went to Paris (my mind is still a little blown).

      • Carrots

        I’m torn between going to on a guided tour of Normandy for a day and the Musee d’Orsay. I didn’t realize how much of a fan of Impressionists I was until I was standing in front of Monet painting’s with my mouth open. Also, just walking around and absorbing that I was there – it was my first trip where a) I only spoke a bit of the language and b) it was a big trip I took on my own. Overall, it was just wonderful. I’m going to be gushing for a months about it – I feel bad for my friends.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      It was me! Glad you enjoyed it :-)

      The Musée d’Orsay is one of my favorite museums in the world.

  17. Anonymous

    Anyone see any cute sweater dresses yet? Kind of liked the ones at Ann Taylor, but the sleeve length seems weird.

  18. Killer Kitten Heels

    So, apropos of nothing, I have to ask – why does the whole mall look like the 70s threw up on the early 90s?

    I do not know how to dress myself anymore.

    • CatToo

      The only trend I like this Fall is block heeled pumps. Other than that, I am shopping my closet.

  19. Cat stuff

    I’m the poster who recently got a new cat and needed some food recommendations to get her to eat. Happy to report she’s eating non-Friskies food much better now and she also just got a clean bill of health from the vet! Unrelated to food, I’ve noticed that she doesn’t seem to hang out in the living room when we’re not around (whenever I come home from work, she comes out from her napping area behind the couch or from her shelf in the bathroom). When we’re here, she hangs out on her cat perch looking out the window and seems to really like it. Since she always seems to emerge from a hiding/secure place when I come home, I’m worried she might be afraid to be out in the open when we’re not here. Am I overthinking this or is there something I can do to help her feel good napping out in the open when we’re at work? I don’t want her to be stuck behind the couch when we’re gone for a few days at Thanksgiving…

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Admittedly I’m a dog person and not a cat person, but is there a way you could plant blankets or a cushion in one of her safe spaces so it’ll absorb her scent and become associated with safety, then slowly move the cushion/blanket out to a more open space?

    • Nancy Raygun

      You may be overthinking it. Cats sleep a lot during the day. They are used to getting into a comfy, dark, safe place and sleeping. But it goes against pretty much every animal’s programming to sleep out in the open. Open spaces in your house feel cozy for you, but your cat is much smaller and technically a prey animal. It’s good that she comes out when you’re home. My cat always climbs out of my kayak when I come home and he’s well adjusted.

      • Anonymous

        My dog does the same thing, for what it’s worth. When we’re gone, he sleeps in the cave-like spaces under our desks, between the bed and the wall. When we’re home, he sleeps in the middle of the living room floor. I think he just likes to have an eye on us when we’re there, but when we’re not he does his serious sleeping in his little dens.

      • anon

        +1. Totally normal animal behavior. One of our dogs now sleeps in a closet when we are gone. It’s a giant den, it’s carpeted and it smells like her humans. She actually looks grumpy if we disturb her.

      • Cb

        Our cat has made a nest in a cardboard box under our couch. He has two cat beds and enjoys sleeeping on the top of the sofa but the nest is his favourite when we aren’t home. Maybe get one of those cute little pod cat beds?

      • Baconpancakes

        Our cat sleeps in the closet when we’re not home (and sometimes when we are) and in the chair when we’re home/at night. Totally normal. Cats love dens.

    • Anon

      I love that you want to make sure she’s happy, but she’s probably fine. My cats cycle through several sleeping spots, some hidden, some in the middle of the floor. One of my cats alternates between sleeping under the covers of our bed and in the middle of the dining room. If she doesn’t exhibit any signs of ill health or anxiety, I’d say she’s totally fine.

      • REA

        Yep, one sleeps under the covers of the bed and the other behind a painting that we have yet to hang that is propped against the wall. OP, do you have a cardboard box you can leave out? Instant cat magnet

      • Nancy Raygun

        My cat cycles through like 8 different sleeping spots all day. Lower cabinet>lower kayak>higher kayak>back of the couch>bed>bathmat>wicker chair>behind the dryer. If I’m home though, he sprawls out in the middle of the floor (or grabs my ankles until I sit on the couch with him in his lap). That’s how cats tell us they trust us.

    • ANon

      No need to worry unless you see other signs of ill health. Cats love tight dark spaces. They move from sleeping spot to sleeping spot throughout the day. My cat sleeps in the sun on my bed in the morning. When the direct sun is gone, she retreats to the back corner of my closet and naps ALL DAY LONG. She is the happiest cat around

    • Cat stuff

      Thanks everyone – you might be right. She doesn’t seem to be showing any other signs of anxiety (although I can tell she’s still not 100% settled) and is definitely relaxed/comfortable around us. Her favorite in-the-open spot to rest when we’re home is on a pile of junk that’s about to go to Goodwill, though. Not quite as sturdy as the above-mentioned kayak (I love that your cat loves that!).

    • Anonymous

      My cat likes to sleep in hidden places with good sight lines and quick access to more hidden spots. I have a cat tree in the hallway to my kitchen that I often find her in. Or, she’ll sleep on my bed and hide underneath if I bring home a visitor.

      My cat loves her heated cat bed. It has high walls that she can curl up in. I have it near the cat tree to preserve her sight line to the foyer.

    • Anon8

      You could see if she likes the Cat Ball. It’ll give her a place to hide out and be cozy. Sometimes I’ll create a fort by draping a blanket along the side of the couch. Glad to hear she’s eating better!

    • Bonnie

      She’s probably still adjusting. You can get her a cat bed that’s a tunnel and see if she likes using that.

  20. NY CPA

    Help! I was invited to a Halloween party where the dress code is “Halloween costumes or black tie”. I’ve heard lots of people wear costumes, but as the person who invited me is a guy with no sense of style, he’s not much help.
    What on earth do I wear? What would be a good costume for this situation? I have a feeling that typical s3xy costumes are a no-go, but other than that, I’m lost.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      20s-style (but non-costume) cocktail dress, a long strand of fake pearls, and then have some flapper accessories tucked in your bag – if lots of folks are in costume, you can costume it up, but if you get there and it turns out you’d be more comfortable not in a costume, you’re still dressed appropriately.

      • Shopping

        I love that idea. Is a 20s style non-costume dress basically satiny fabric & a drop waist? Striped suit with baggy pants for her date?

        I’d probably wear a velvet dress (like this one) and a feather mask from the floral dept at Michaels. Ho hum. I’m boring.

      • Anonymous

        This sounds awesome. Also, I need to figure out how to get invited to these kind of events. I want a ridiculous gown and a place to wear it!

    • SD

      My SO and I went very ‘black tie halloween’ last year with our costumes. He wore a suit and a beautiful sparkly fox mask, I wore a black taffeta ball gown (which I somehow picked up for free at a clothing swap) with a lace animal mask and silver antlers.
      If I were you, I’d wear a slinky gown and search for a unique mask (Etsy?) and animal accessories to go with it.
      Or you could also choose a glamorous figure from history. Marie Antoinette? Cleopatra? Marlene Dietrich?

    • Anonymous

      Marilyn Monroe’s white dress, Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Victorian era vampire with a long, poufy ball gown,

    • Anom

      Do Mrs. White from Clue. Easy and you may already own most of what you need.

  21. Velvet jacket

    Anyone feel like some shopping? I’m dying for a velvet blazer. Can’t spend too much because it’s already not a workhorse closet item and difficult to clean, but I’m starting to stare at the ones I see on my colleagues because I want one so badly.

    • Anonymous

      I like the look of the blush and gray velvet blazers at J.Crew. For something a little different, I also like the Eve Velvet Blazer at Anthropologie.

    • SF in House

      Talbots, Banana Republic and J. Crew each have one in the $100-200 range.

  22. Seeking scuba stuff

    Actually not for scuba-diving, but I liked the alliteration.

    I’d like to get wet suit shorts and shirt for my teenage son (110 lbs 27″ waist, 31″ hips, 5’4″ and growing) and myself to use over the next few years. He emphatically does not want a short John, and I’m hoping to lose more weight, so that isn’t my choice either. Possible uses: water parks in 70 degree weather, rafting trips on which we admire fall leaves, and playing in chilly ocean waves (but probably not the extended time in water that surfing requires).

    Is 1.5 or 2 mm thick enough? Are there any good discount sources where I might be able to get all four pieces for under $150?

    • Anonny

      For wetsuits to work they really need to be skin tight so I wouldn’t buy them with the intent of changing sizes. They won’t work well and you will have wasted money

      • Op

        That’s why I’m hoping to stay at/under $35/item. I’d pay that for a rash guard or swim trunks for him, and expect them to be outgrown in a year or two.

      • padi

        Ugh. I didn’t mean to push send yet.

        For me, wet wetsuits (like after a scuba dive) get really cold once you are out of the water. It’s like wearing a heavy, wet towel. To have any hope of getting warm, I have to take my wet suit off and get dry. So I don’t know that I would wear a wetsuit for the kind of activities you are describing.

        Re: sizing. I’ve worn the same shortie through a 30 lb. change in weight (dress size 10-16). I didn’t sense much difference in fit through the weight gain or weight loss. Plus, rental wetsuits work just fine for most people and they will put you in any wetsuit that zips and doesn’t fall off.

        I dive in a 3mm in 78-80 degree water. So I would go 2 mm but ymmv. Guys also run warmer so your son may only need 1.5 mm.

        • Op

          Thanks! I (clearly) don’t know anything about wet suits, had thought they would somehow prevent evaporation & keep us warmer, but I guess not.

          • Away game

            Wetsuits are designed to keep you warmer in the water. Out of the water they can make you feel colder. My dive instructors always had us peel off at least the top of the wetsuits and dry off/ wrap up in towels between dives.

        • Lobbyist

          I have a full body wetsuit and it keeps me warm in and out of the water. Even after the swim I will keep it on because its warmer than taking it off and having a wet swimsuit and sweats. Try looking on craigslist or eBay for a used one if you don’t want to spend a lot. I’d get 3 mm though rather than 1.5 or 2.

    • Bonnie

      No experience using a wetsuit for your purposes but you can get a good price at Sierra trading post.

    • Anonymous

      Scuba instructor and surfer here…
      You will be colder out of the water with a wetsuit on, unless you are really moving around. The reason is that wet skin loses hear faster than dry skin.

      As for thickness…
      See below for water temps I use for surfing/diving. (Note: scuba will need thicker suit vs. surfing, because you are fully submerged.) I also run a tad cold, so for a guy, subtract 2-3 degrees.

      5mm: 55-60 degrees/70-75 degrees
      4/3mm: 60-65 degrees/75-80 degrees
      3/2mm: 65-70 degrees/80-85 degrees
      2/1mm: 70+ degrees/85+ degrees

  23. Refinance Me

    For anyone who has refinanced student loans – did you choose variable or fixed rate? The variable is about 1.2% lower but makes me nervous for obvious reasons. I have close to 6 figures.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I chose fixed, but I only refinanced my private loans which had variable interest to begin with. If I remember correctly, my rates did increase a small amount at least once but never decreased. Variable interest rates make me nervous, especially when it might take a really long time to pay off.

    • Anonymous

      I did variable with about $50k (my entire remaining balance at the time). When I initially refinanced, the variable rate was around 3.9%. I refinanced again a year later to 1.9% (1% of the decrease was due to overall rates dropping, and I believe the other 1% was a change in my credit profile/length of employment that qualified me for the lowest rate instead of the middle one). I paid them off a year and a half after the second refinance, and the rate was around 2.25%. The fixed rates were always around 4.5-6%, so this saved me a lot of money and allowed me to pay them off faster.

      I ran the math once and so long as you’re planning to pay them off in 5 years, interest rates would have to skyrocket in ways that are historically extremely rare for the fixed rate to make sense. I don’t remember if I considered a 10 year payoff, but I would run that math if I were you. You can save so much with the currently much lower variable rates that it would take the variable rate going quite a bit over the fixed and staying there for a while for you to end up paying more on the variable.

    • Anonymous

      It depends on how quickly you aim to pay them off. If you plan to take the entire 10 or 25 years of the loan and make minimum payments, I vote fixed.

      If you have a BigLaw (or similar) job and plan to pay them off in 4 years, I might risk a variable rate. Interest rates are rising very, very slowly and, while interest rates will rise, I don’t think they will rise 1.2% in 4 years. This is purely speculation so do your own research and adjust accordingly.

      If you plan to buy a house (or take on other debt) while paying back the loan, I would lean towards fixed.

    • anon

      I went with fixed rate. I could have saved about 1%, but the risk wasn’t worth it to me. I am paying off around 150k with a 7 year plan.

  24. Office bathroom rants

    Anyone want to join me in bemoaning office bathroom behavior?

    For instance, there’s one woman on my floor who seems to always be on a personal call in the bathroom (as in she is literally on the phone with this mysterious person throughout the entire bathroom process…)

    • Hannah

      What the hell is with this. Why do people think this is OK? I don’t even think it’s weird to talk on the phone in the bathroom at home. But you’re essentially using a recording device in a public bathroom! No one else in here agreed to having their bathroom noises broadcast over the phone to a stranger. It’s so not OK. There are repeat offenders in my office that make me wish someone would put up a passive aggressive note (I would never do it myself). The thing that drives me crazy is that I don’t work somewhere where people are chained to their desks and not allowed to take a personal call. There are break rooms, kitchens, empty conference rooms, stairwells… no reason to creep in the bathroom on the phone, finish your business and go have your phone call. ONE GIRL EVEN FACE TIMES WITH HER MOTHER IN THE STALL!!!

    • Sleep Deprived Analyst

      One of my colleagues brings the office copy of the newspaper with him to the restroom everyday! No one ever reads the office copies of the papers anymore as a result!

    • Anon

      A woman at my last office would take FOREVER to wash her hands and leave the sink area. This was annoying because there were two stalls and two sinks and the stalls were poorly designed so there was basically a direct sight-line from one of the toilets through the crack in the stall to the person at the sink. It’s hard to finish things up yourself when you happen to make accidental eye contact with someone who won’t leave the sink…

  25. Anonymous

    Following up on the question earlier today of how to address a married couple where the woman changed her name, what is the proper way to make out a check (as a wedding gift) to the bride and groom where the bride is changing her name? I was planning to write both the groom’s first and last name and the bride’s first and *new* last name, but I’m not sure how long name changes take to process with the bank and don’t want them to have trouble cashing the check. Better to use groom’s full name with bride’s first and maiden name? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Write the check to “or” not “and.” This allows either one of them to cash it. And yes, use her maiden name so that she can cash it immediately if she’s the one to do it.

    • anon

      Yes, use her maiden name. That way they can deposit it without having to wait on her to get new id, execute new signature cards, etc. If for some reason they wait to deposit it until after she changes her name, then she can endorse it with her maiden name and counter-endorse it with her new name.

    • Meg Murry

      Address is to “GroomFirst Last OR BrideFirst Maiden”. If you put AND and they don’t yet have a joint checking account, it’s a pain in the neck. Chances are she won’t have done all the name change rigamarole until a few weeks after the wedding is over, so don’t make her wait to deposit the check.

      *or* allows either of them to cash/deposit the check
      *and* requires both of them, and can be a pain, and doubly so if the names don’t match

    • trefoil

      Ugh. I didn’t change my name, and we got cheques made out to Mr & Mrs HisLast, MyFirst & HisFirst His Last, MyFirst HisLast, and ONE addressed to MyFirst Mylast & Hisfirst HisLast.

      We were able to deposit them all, although I made him deposit any that only had HisLast on them.

    • AB

      Also always do “Bride” OR “Groom” so they can deposit it however they like whatever their joint finance arrangements are.

  26. Sleep Deprived Analyst

    I’m a second year investment banking analyst in the oil & gas space stationed in Houston. I lived in NYC for training during the summer but I found out I’ll be in NYC for meetings in December. As I live in the South, I don’t have a lot of professional winter wear. Does anyone have any suggestions on where to get some inexpensive winter suits or how to pack for a winter business trip to NYC?
    Thanks in advance for your advice!

      • anon

        +1 from a New Yorker. December is also not usually THAT cold or snowy – the worst weather is later in the winter. If you want you could also get some long underwear to layer under your normal clothes in case you are cold. But a lot of NYC buildings are actually really hot inside in the winter – especially older buildings. In order to heat all spaces adequately in a big building, they crank the heat, and some parts end up super hot. We keep our apartment windows open half the winter. My office is colder in the summer when the A/C is on.

  27. Sloan Sabbith

    God, today is such a wash- I’ve accomplished two miniscule things and otherwise just kind of…sat here. I’m on hold with my insurance’s specialty pharmacy right now and getting progressively more and more and more frustrated…

  28. Liz

    I need Las Vegas help. I am planning a work conference. The flight is into Las Vegas, but the conference is in Henderson. Would it be best to get a rental car, or take a taxi to and from the airport, use a shuttle from the airport? It’s only 2 days, and there are 10 people. Any thoughts appreciated!

    • Anonymous

      Unless you’ll all be in a great location (like one of the town centers with a hotel) you’ll probably want a few cars. Henderson is very suburban, though it is uberable.

  29. Liz

    I have a scalp/hair question. Super dry scalp. Any recommended shampoos that are color treated hair safe?

    • Kris

      Try the Aubrey Organics line. They are very moisturizing for both scalp and hair, and gentle. Or just rub a little bit of your favorite oil into your scalp.

    • HQB

      I massage coconut oil into my wet hair and scalp as a moisturizer once a week. I leave it in for most of the shower and then shampoo/rinse out at the end.

  30. CC

    Does anyone want to vicariously shop for me? Wedding next week and I am wearing a long wine colored dress made of georgette fabric (so not shiny or sparkly). I need a clutch and would prefer it from amazon prime (because of timing) and cheap, but I can’t have any sparkles rubbing off on me and or the dress. Need it to fit an iPhone (but a small one the SE) and the usual suspects (a lipstick, compact, slim wallet or at least the cards, etc.

    TIA!

  31. New parent gift?

    Gift ideas for new parents? I’m going to be an aunt for the first time and I’m so excited. All I want is to be a cool aunt. I want to get the parents a really awesome gift. It could be for the baby, or for them. I don’t want to fall into the trap of only getting them presents for their child, although it might be helpful to do that sometimes. The child will be the first grandchild on both sides, so she’s not going to want for anything. Any ideas of what would be really awesome for my BIL and SIL?

    • anonamom

      Meal or grocery delivery, some kind of keepsake (silver frame engraved with child’s initials, keepsake ornament, initial jewelry), something related to your sibling’s childhood (like a book or toy you and sib enjoyed as kids, a onesie honoring your home state – something sentimental). I didn’t expect people to get presents for me when I became a parent (or my kid for that matter) – I was most flattered that my family took the time to travel to meet the baby. And if you can make yourself useful while visiting, like by cleaning the house, so much the better!

  32. Anon

    I’m about to start a new job that’s business formal, coming from a business casual environment. I have three suits, two black (one Theory, one traditional J Crew), one grey (also theory). How many should I have? How many button down shirts? If anyone has recommended reading they could point me to, I would appreciate it.

    The job I’m leaving was kind of demoralizing and I let my wardrobe go as a result. I’m looking forward to feeling engaged again, and I want a wardrobe to go along with that feeling.

    • Bonnie

      Wait until you start and see how people actually dress. Do you wear button down shirts now? They’re not a required part of formal dress.

        • January

          Three will probably be okay to get you through the first couple of weeks, and then you could probably buy a third or fourth suit. Shells will work under a suit as well, so I don’t think you have to get a lot of button-front shirts, unless you prefer them.

          • OP

            Thanks! I do like button down shirts, but long sleeved shirts or sweaters would work too. I need to wear long sleeves most of the time because I have full tattoo sleeves that absolutely have to be covered. Also, I’m tall and have long arms so many normal sized pieces of clothing don’t get the job done. It’s hard out here for a tattooed weirdo. I just ordered another suit from BR, fingers crossed.

        • Anonymous

          I’m client facing at a Big 4, I never wear suits. It will 100℅ depend on who your client is.

          Don’t buy anything until after you start and see what everyone else wears.

          Also, depending on how this differs from your current role (e.g., more travel), you may end up gaining some weight too. So, it could be worth holding out even longer after you start to buy.

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