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Coffee Break: Sophia Leather Satchel

B Brian Atwood Sophia Leather SatchelI was recently drooling over a skirt in a similar color from Rachel Roy, but let's face it:  an iridescent leather skirt isn't going to get a ton of wear, even if you do think leather skirts are ok for the office. An iridescent leather bag, now, that's a different issue — which is why I'm really excited to see this gorgeous watersnake satchel by B Brian Atwood. Marked at $795, it's a bit of a splurge. (On the cheaper end of things: try Essie's $8 “For the Twill of It” nail polish.) B Brian Atwood Sophia Leather Satchel (L-4)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

158 Comments

  1. Interesting shape, but I’m not a huge fan of (real or fake) exotic leathers, unless it’s an ostrich Birkin bag (in my dreams). I think ostrich is a little more understated than snakeskin or alligator.

  2. Threadjack! I bought the dress linked in my reply this weekend at JC Penney. Very nice ponte knit and rich color, and the back of the skirt does not have the deep pleat shown in the photo. Most awesome – I am 5’1′, short-waisted and curvy, and it fits great: waist is in the right spot and the skirt falls just to the knee.

      1. It’s gorgeous! I wouldn’t have guessed it came from JC Penney. Although I did pick up a few silky (not silk) tops for work from JCP that are cheap but pretty.

  3. Love the iridescent leather look…though kind of wish it wasn’t snake embossed.

    TJ:

    Just want to thank everyone for their Kauai recommendations yesterday (picked up the Ultimate Guidebook on my way home from work). We decided to split the difference and spend 3 nights on the South Side and 4 nights on the North Side. Got a pretty good deal (relatively speaking, still uber spendy) for the St. Regis since we are Starwood Preferred members. Ironically, we also got a discount at the K’oa Kea Resort for using our Starwood Preferred AmEx :)

    So excited for a vacation!

    1. I LOVE the K’oa Kea. Make sure you eat at Red Salt, the restaurant there. Also if you want to eat somewhere else in that area one night, the Beach House is great (and a perfect place for cocktails at sunset).

    2. I recommend Tropical Taco for quick meals on the North Shore. Also, make sure you get a chance to walk on the sand at Hanalei Bay during sunset! You won’t find a more beautiful sunset anywhere.

    3. this is super late, but I just got back from my honeymoon in Hawaii and we spent 6 days at the K’oa Kea and LOVED IT. It was definitely worth it. Fabulous view, Red Salt is amazing, and its the perfect place to relax and enjoy!

  4. There is one thing on my mind for a while, and I’d really appreciate some opinions on this. I’m approaching my thirties, and I’m Single. While I do not have any problems with that, it seems, many people around me, including relatives and close friends, have, and that bothers me a bit although I know it shouldn’t. To me, finding a husband has no real priority, I have not decided against marriage, and I think I won’t do that, just, I don’t think putting pressure on me concerning marriage will have a positive effect on me. And ultimately, I think this is a very personal question; it should never be that you feel you “have” to marry, but rather that you find one person and you want to.

    That said, it’s OK that many people won’t agree with me, as I find this to be a personal thing, but it surprises me often how aggressive some people, even those I’d never thought about, can be about this, even when I think it’s something none of their business. I hear so often that I should lower my expectations, settle for someone, heard even suggestions I should settle for someone among our mutual friends although I’ve explained once that I don’t want him for numerous reasons, and recently someone I’d consider a close friend of mine even told me I wasn’t getting younger and it can’t go on like that, I can’t end up being a Single and getting old that way … I mean, I know, I’m known as someone you’d call “picky” when it comes to dating, because I don’t see any sense wasting my time on people I don’t feel comfortable with, and I’m quite used to hear such things. But recently I found out some people really mean it what they say, they don’t say it just as some sort of nonsense chatter, but they seem to be really concerned, but that again bothers me because it makes me feel being treated like a child. Have you experienced this? How should I react? I really don’t want to upset anyone or get aggressive at this, but I want them to stop saying those things and stop worrying, and I really wish I could answer them so they could understand me.

    1. This sucks. I used to feel this exact way and people would tell me (when I was in college, no less…I mean, seriously…) that I need to make sure I don’t end up an old maid. This was made even more annoying by the fact that it was usually older relatives telling me that it’s going to be oh so hard to find a man willing to marry me if I was going to be all smart and career-driven. Sigh. Turns out I unexpectedly met the perfect man and got married at 24, but I wasn’t exactly “trying.”

      My advice would be that to the everyday acquaintances that say this, just be polite and maybe just brush it off with something like: “Oh, it’ll happen when it happens. Can’t hurry love!” To close friends, I would sit them down and say, “I have heard all your concerns, and I have noted them. However, I do not share them and I feel this other way. I would appreciate if you do not bring this up again as I am perfectly happy the way I am.”

      I may be married now, but any day now I’m expecting to get a similar barrage of “When are you having kids…WHAT?! You don’t want kids?! Don’t you know it completes you as a woman/prevents you from dying alone/etc. etc.” I hope I can respond well. :)

    2. FWIW, marriage did not happen to me until I was 35, and I got all kinds of nonsense. You may not be ready – and that is FINE – and you haven’t met anyone that you want to marry. Marry someone you want to marry.

      I have a few friends that are 40s and single and fabulous. The idea that someone “can’t go on that way” is really just insulting. As if there is no ability to have a fulfilling life the way you want to live in the absence of a husband (or children for that matter, but don’t get me started on that one).

      Bottom line, do what you want, marry who you want, and don’t allow sheep mentality societal pressure to get to you. Its hard, I know. Just the other day a family member commented about a coworker, “well she is just a b___ and obsessed with work because she doesn’t have a family.” I said, this person has parents, right? Siblings, maybe? She has a family. Maybe she has elderly relatives she is supporting. Maybe she GASP enjoys her work and finds it fulfilling, and does not want children. I got all cranky pants about this, and then sad, because I feel like women’s choices are always going to measured by what the majority of society does. “Outlier” men don’t seem to have their choices judged in this fashion, and assumptions about how hard they work/how they act based on their marital or parental status.

      I wish I had some snappy comebacks for you instead of just frustration, but there you have it.

    3. I haven’t personally experienced this, but my recommendation would be:
      1) in the first instance: “I haven’t met the right person yet.”
      2) if they are persistent: “Listen, I am just not willing to settle on what I want in a life partner at this point in my life. I know you want to see me happy, and I appreciate that, but I AM happy right now.”
      3) if they’re verging on rude: “If I marry some random guy just to make everyone else happy we’ll probably wind up divorced in a few years anyway, so why would I put myself through that just because everyone thinks I can’t be happy without a man.”
      4) if they are anything like my uncle: “Listen, I know you love me and want to see me happy, but this conversation is starting to bother me. I don’t need a guy to make me happy, and talking about this endlessly is not going to change that.”

      1. Honestly, I wouldn’t use these lines. They will pull the conversation into one of the “single-blaming vortexes”*.

        I try to stick to “Eh, it’s all good. Enough about my dating drama. How are your kids?” If they persist, “I’ll keep you posted. Do you have a recipe for a dish to share for [upcoming made-up event]?” If it’s really bad, I will use my parents’ divorce (yes, even with my mom).

        *single-blaming vortex: a conversation topic that centers on WHY the person is single. E.g., “too picky”, “not trying hard enough”, “trying too hard”, “have you thought about online dating?”; anecdata about the random places people meet, “maybe if you …” advice [grew your hair, lost a few pounds, weren’t a lawyer, moved to another state, made less money, weren’t so assertive, …], and the list goes on.

        1. Yes! Why don’t some people understand that not every question from every person in every setting needs to be answered honestly and completely….wait – maybe its because this blog readers are lawyers!

          If you are talking about Aunt Erma at the family reunion, I would seriously just blow of the question. Trying to convince people how happy you are single just (1) makes the other person think that the topic is open and fair game for commenting on, (2) makes the other person want to convince you that “if only you knew…”. Just seriously blow it off!

    4. Ellie, I’m so sorry people are so pushy and, well, darned nosy about it.

      People have very different standards for what makes a marriage worthwhile. I applaud your graciousness, and note wryly that these people’s reactions tell me way more about them and their (in some case, abysmally low) standards for what makes a marriage worthwhile.

      For some, grabbing a body, just anybody that’s got a pulse, is not from another planet, and doesn’t have an extensive prison record on this planet or another planet is sufficient. I’m only slightly joking. These are check-the-boxers with no quality control. But there’s room for all types. Be glad these people are willing to marry the non-felonious space aliens! ;-) Also, some are just smug-marrieds and in your mind, tell them to STFU.

      But your wanting to marry someone more in accordance with your standards is also important and valid.

      I’m more like you– I’d rather come home to the peace and quiet of an empty house than to come home to a war-zone or a living room thick with resentment. Which is exactly what things would be like if I married someone I didn’t really love or felt like I had to settle and “deal with.” Life is hard enough, work is hard enough without coming home to yet another PITA person.

    5. If you are lamenting your single status and actively seeking a mate, then I can better understand why people want to give you advice about not being so selective. It sounds like that isn’t the case and that you are happy with where you are in your life. So just smile, thank them for the advice, and change the topic. If they keep bringing it up, you can just say that you don’t want to revisit this topic.

    6. This isn’t the nicest thing, but I’ve had good luck lately with “No”. As in, “No, mother, I am not going to freeze my eggs.” And “No, I am not going to talk to my husband about freezing my eggs.” I like “No” because it doesn’t give the person anything to argue with you about. In the past I’ve always tried some nice, non-committal reason, but I’ve learned that any kind of reason is an excuse to engage in the discussion further a clear, “No, I am not going to date that guy/lower my standards/start online dating” doesn’t give people anything to respond to.

    7. I’m a few years younger than you but I get similar comments constantly from my family and my married friends. I vent to my single friends about these comments and tell the nosy people that I’m currently focused on my career or I’m not really looking. I then get comments about how I’m running out of time because soon all the good men will be gone and I just ignore those to be honest. I c0uld get really snarky but it’s honestly not worth the battle in my mind.

      1. This. Don’t let it rile you.

        Advice happens. When you aren’t married, you get all this stupid advice about getting married. When you have a long-term BF, you get all this stupid advice about how you should get married. Once you are engaged, you get all this stupid advice about your upcoming wedding. After your get married, you get all this stupid advice about how you should plan to have kids soon (and pressure to get pregnant). When you’re pregnant, you get all this stupid advice about babies. As your kids grow up, you get all this stupid advice about parenting. Ad naseum. This is part of life.

        Smile, thank them, and bring up something else awesome/interesting about your life or theirs.

        1. I like this – “advice happens”
          Whether we seek it or not, know the person or not or even whether we’re reading a label in the cereal aisle and someone walking by shares her thoughts on gluten. Good, bad, wanted, unwanted, taken, avoided, whatever.
          I agree to let it roll off of you. And I love For Ellie’s post below. Be picky!

    8. When I was a little older than you (31) and just six months out of my first marriage (I left him because he was having an affair), my father told me, “The reason you are still single, your entire problem is, that you are too picky.”

      Think about that for a minute.

      My sister, whom I called immediately, reminded me that: (1) he has remarried within months after each time he got divorced, but those marriages do not last, so that (2) perhaps it is good to be picky.

      I say: hooray for being picky. I met my DH when I was 40 (seven years ago), and we could not be happier. I am glad I was picky because it means I get to spend the rest of my life with my perfect match.

      Now go forth and be picky!

    9. Thank you everyone! I feel just so much better now reading all your comments. Yes, sometimes I think it’s disturbing that it just doesn’t get into some people’s minds that there are other ways of having a happy life without marriage and kids. I realize part of my problem is that it’s about some people I think I care about, and that I seemingly don’t accept that these people do really mean it – that something must be “wrong” with you because you are getting older and not desperately looking for any male human being on earth willing to marry you – something I find quite insulting.

      1. I’m with you, in a lot of ways, but I think some of it is just that people are uncomfortable with life choices that are a little bit outside of the mainstream. The other part is that some of these people actually are happy in their relationships/marriages, and they are being pushy because they think that will make you happy, too. But if you’re picky because you don’t feel comfortable around a particular guy, that sounds like a good kind of picky to me. :)

      2. I am older than you and (usually-but-on-hiatus) looking to meet someone. I still get comments like “have you tried [X website – and yes]” and just recently someone made a comment to me about how I decided not to have kids. This person doesn’t know me well, but the truth is, I didn’t decide anything about kids. I just don’t have any. I know I don’t want to have them by myself, so I want to wait until I meet someone when this is a real discussion point, instead of just a hypothetical. I think there is no way to get out from under other people’s assumptions and presumptions, but if you know what you are doing is right for you, just keep telling yourself that. Hugs b/c I know this is sucky.

      3. FWIW, when I was approaching my 30s, I did settle. I found a nice, lovely man who was employed, friendly, in-shape, etc., let him move into my apartment the month I turned 30, and bought a house in a neighborhood with a good elementary school. I was miserable and broke up with him a few months later. My family and friends were so relieved!

        Don’t settle. Take care of yourself. Cultivate friendships with other wonderful, amazing, single women. Be open to any and all relationships with men–s3xual, romantic, platonic, whatever.

        In the meantime, check out the “My Friends Are Married” tmblr. Hilarious!

      4. Dude it is not your job to enlighten other people about what other great life choices exist – other than their own life choices which have probably been already made. This is fighting a seriously difficult fight and is frankly an overstep of your bounds. (i.e., if you are trying to evangelize your own life choice, you are judging the other person as much as you perceive them to be judging you.

        You are a grown women. You make your own choices and do not need to explain them to other people – even when asked!

    10. While I am similar to you age-wise I really DO need a husband in order to have children quickly, so that is where we think different from each other on that score. I do think though that if you do NOT want to hear from peeople that seem to look funny at you just b/c you are NOT with a man, yet, tell them FOOEY and move on, b/c you are your own person and you do NOT have to rely on a man to be complete.

      I think if you wait for the RIGHT guy, he WILL come along, and your attitude will change. I wish you the best of luck and hopefulley you will have BOTH a great carreer as well as an understanding husband, who will love and cherish you, and NOT cheat on you or go drinkeing with other guys, like my Alan did. FOOEY on him!

      1. Do we think that Ellen is always posted by the same person? I’ve been getting a vibe lately that the Ellen posts might be posted by different people/copycats.

        1. I think there’s more than one. One has the distinct style of rambling on about the doings of Roberta and other “supporting characters.” Another one is actually on-topic (largely) and will respond to various OPs with advice, commisseration, etc.

          1. Then there’s the gross one that likes to talk about poopie and weenies – probably my least favorite of the Ellens.

        2. This Ellen has surprisingly few spelling errors. Maybe she’s using her iPhone again?

          1. More than one, this one was actually understandable….who are this people? Sometimes I wonder if the blog owner has someone write them to increase readership

    11. You are getting a barrage of this sort of BS and you’re still in your twenties? Seriously?!? So much of when people decide others “should” get married, have kids, etc. depends on the context of what everyone else around you is doing. I’m in my thirties, in DC, and maybe a third of my friends are married and almost no one has kids. This is a long way of saying that everyone’s ideal lifestyle is different, and everyone tends to think theirs is best (because it makes THEM happy, so obviously it would make EVERYONE ELSE happy too). I’m guilty of this from time to time (“how can you move to the suburbs; don’t you know it will make you miserable?”). I agree with the suggestions to just decline to engage in conversations in which you have no interest, and give some thought to making some friends whose lifestyle is a little more in line with yours, where people take for granted that you’re normal and no one is assuming that your life needs “fixing.”

  5. I’ve been thinking about my college days recently. I have a bunch of photos from my group of friends that I kind of want to post on facebook. I think my friends would appreciate them and hopefully they would bring back some good memories of the times we spent together roughly 10-12 years ago.

    Here’s a problem: I had a small close group of friends. There were several couples that broke up and got back together amongst us, or people that dated two or three different people in our group. Many of us are married/engaged to other people now, some with kids.

    Do you think it would be appropriate for me to post old photos of us with arms around previous partners on facebook? I don’t have any of people doing anything inappropriate, but a few are couples hugging, holding hands, or whatever. Looking at those pictures now brings back sweet memories of the time, especially seeing my friends happy.

    How about for you – if we were friends and I posted a picture of you on facebook with your arm around your college ex, how would you react?

    1. Why not ask your friends? Or, use a tool like Dropbox to share them with friends, but not with the whole FB universe.

    2. I would probably not appreciate it, to be honest. Why not just email them out to a group email list?

    3. Speaking as a non-over-sharer on FB, I would wonder why you posted it, esp if there isn’t anyone else in the picture. If it’s a huge group pic and I just happen to be standing next to an ex, maybe. But otherwise I’d prefer you didn’t post, and I’d probably still untag myself pretty quickly.

      1. I really recommend Dropbox for something like this. Photos are big file sizes to email around, and that won’t be a worry on Dropbox – you’ll just email a link to the photo/photo albums you are sharing.

    5. I would not appreciate it, but I am not a big facebook person and have de-tagged a lot of old photos for various reasons. I think email is better but personally I wouldn’t appreciate having a photo of me & a long-ago ex shared in any form, particularly if it was just us and not a group photo. I’m sure it depends on how the relationships ended, etc. But I agree that email is better than facebook if you want to share them.

    6. My high school did a facebook high school reunion where we all uploaded are old pics. I had a long term high school boyfriend and almost every picture I was in had us together. Neither he nor I had a problem with it. Two people from our group though were pissed about the “facebook reunion” and requested that I remove some pictures I had posted to it. There was nothing about their pictures that were questionable nor were they pictured with exes. They just didn’t want the people they know 10+ years later looking at them I guess.

      I’m not on facebook now and its odd to think there could be another facebook reunion where pictures I’m in are posted and discussed and I won’t even know it. I’d say ask everyone if they are okay with you posting first and then post them. For my high school group, it was a ton of fun.

    7. I wouldn’t care at all. My ex boyfriend, whom I dated through college (which is now over a decade ago and we’re both married) posted all kinds of flashback pictures from college. None of the photos were of, like, us smooching. Just arms around each other and an obscene amount of alcohol consumption. No harm no foul.

      If you’re closer to college than I am, perhaps this might still be a sore spot. But I can tell you, my DH didn’t care at all. Nor did I care when posts went up of him with his college GF.

      1. Something with alcohol consumption would be reason enough alone for me not to be upset with someone’s post. These days, I won’t take pictures even when I’m not holding a drink but everyone around me is since I won’t have control over where that ends up. The last thing I ever would want would be someone from work seeing. You never know who will become a future client, coworker, boss, etc., even when you may think you pretty much know everyone’s relationships at the time of posting. I don’t think it’s fair to widely distribute something that folks couldn’t rightly anticipate was going to be distributed.

        1. That’s true. Except that I’m not embarrassed or worried about future coworkers/clients/employers/friends knowing that I was at a party with a keg in college. I went to party school. It’s basically implied in my resume that I spent four years doing keg stands. ;) If the photos of me doing lines of various drugs over a dead body…well…some photos should stay in the shoebox.

          I’m being a little flippant, but in all seriousness, I’m in an industry where this stuff (drinking alcohol in college, which is decades ago) is no big deal. And quite honestly, I’m so uptight at work it might give folks a laugh to imagine me in a frat basement a decade ago. Not that they have access to those photos, but even if they did…

    8. I wouldn’t care that my ex was in it. I’d care more if I thought I looked bad, but even then it wouldn’t really bother me that much and I wouldn’t untag myself. I might care if the photos in someway tied me to political/religious groups that I’ve moved away from in the intervening years (like t-shirts I might have worn or signs in the background of the photo), but photos of me with my ex? Not a big deal.

  6. Hi friends,

    I posted last week about trying to support a partner who seemed to have depression, and I am happy to report that tonight we are on our way to a joint counseling session. I suspect that my partner is going to need some solo support as well, in addition to perhaps seeking “better living through chemistry”, but I’m very glad that we’re finally doing *something* to address the issue (and all the relationship issues that have been triggered by the depression).

    That said: any advice? I’ve never been in a counseling or therapy session before, and I confess that the guy we’re going to see–someone whom my partner has previously seen on his own–seems to have a rhetoric that *really* isn’t my style. I am definitely psyching myself up to be positive and open-minded, but some crazy part of my brain is also worried that the counselor will tell me, Trelawney-to-Hermione-style, that I’m not suited for counseling.

    1. Be yourself, be honest. That’s all you can do. And remember, even if this person isn’t your style, he is a professional which means he’s used to having people be wary when starting therapy. You can tell him that while your partner has obviously seen him before, you’ve never been to any sort of counseling or therapy session and aren’t sure what to expect. And even if he’s not for you, the fact that your partner is actually going to see someone is HUGE. The simplest of tasks are like 8 billion times harder when you are depressed so this is kind of monumental for him.

      1. I agree with KLG. I am happy to know he is willing to go and I agree that it is MUCH harder to do anything when you are depressed. This is a good sign.

        Maybe you could jot down your concerns – as in the couple of things you definitely want to make sure the counselor knows – because if you’re like me, you get distracted by carpet or a lamp or something and don’t say the things you knew you wouldn’t forget you wanted to say.

        Please let us know how it goes. Rooting for you and partner!

        1. I love the mental image of super-savvy, super-glam Houston Attny getting distracted by a lamp. (And yes, you are clearly super-savvy and super-glam because you give such great advice.)

          Thank you both! I will definitely not let myself forget that this is a big, important, POSITIVE step.

          1. You are kind. :) I’m reapplying lipstick so I feel more “super-glam”.

            It’s probably weird, but the last time I went to see my counselor (and a good part of that is because partner is way down, and I realized I was tumbling down into the pit of despair with him) I wrote an entire page of things I needed to say. Most of them I didn’t wind up specifically saying, but I was able to read it and see the overall theme and talk about that. Clearly there’s an awareness of what’s happening and a desire to fix it on partner’s part, and I really hope this is the first step in healing.

    2. I’m going to try to be pretty open-ended about this, because, well, one-size rarely fits all.

      My general tips about counselors:
      (1) Don’t be afraid to make your expectations known upfront. Set up milestones, if applicable. In my case, I didn’t want to provide the counselor an annuity payment for life — I wanted noticeable progress and made it clear that if things worked, I would not need to see the counselor after X period of time. That made sense for my issue. May not make sense for yours or your partner’s.

      (2) Don’t be afraid to drop that counselor like a flaming radioactive turd if his or her style turns you off. You need to get your partner better. That is priority. The feelings (if a crappy counselor even cares about the patients) of a counselor are trivial in comparison. And trust your gut. If after a session or two, the person rubs you the wrong way, find a new counselor. You’re paying this person after all. They need to deliver.

      Good luck to you and your partner. I think you’re just awesome for being so supportive and measured in your approach to all of this. I hope you both get to a really good place soon.

    3. I strongly second Susedna’s second point about not being afraid to switch counselors. It’s really important to feel comfortable and have a rapport with your counselor; it makes a world of difference. If you in anyway feel uncomfortable or you feel like you just don’t click with your counselor, you aren’t going to get what you and your partner need out of counseling.

      Good luck! I hope everything goes well!

      1. And thanks to Susedna and wintergreen126, too! I really appreciate your kind words.

      2. Agree. I have fired counselors who were not my jam, and it was such a relief. And firing that counselor for marriage counseling does not mean your SO can’t see him – a marriage counselor has to work for both people.

      3. +1 re parting ways with counselors who are not a good fit. This is a professional relationship, not a friendship breakup, and when working with your most intimate feelings you are entitled to feel comfortable with your therapist (also serving as guide and teacher).

        Although it’s late I wanted to compliment Susedna on her advice to “drop that counselor like a flaming radioactive turd.” That’s a phrase I may borrow (with appropriate attribution)!

  7. How often do you purchase something new? I know budgets have been discussed on here, but I was curious if people buy something once a week? More than once a week? Once a month? Etc. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll narrow it to: Clothing, Shoes, Handbags, Make-up and Accessories.

    Personally, I find myself ordering or buying at least one item every two weeks or so. I think its more out of boredom / impulse shopping than anything else. I also very rarely go on big shopping sprees. I tend to spread out my purchases throughout the entire year, rather than buying multiple items at one time each season.

    1. I’m a crop-rotation type of person. Problem is, I rarely leave the spending field fallow…

      There were a few months when I bought nothing, because nothing really appealed to me. And then, there was this week when I bought something new every day.

      But I do stick very closely to my quarterly budget. As long as I’m within the budget, I care little about the frequency.

    2. My shopping habits are sporadic and easily influenced by sales. I order stuff online once or twice/month (average 3-5 items each time) and shop in store about once/month. I don’t have a set budget just look at whether a particular item is a good deal or something I really “need” (very loosely put)/want.

    3. My budget dictates whether or not I can make purchases, but generally for clothes, I only buy something if 1) I really need it and/or 2) I’m actually going to wear it. I’ve bought things before thinking, “That looks nice, and it’ll be a good piece to have in the lineup,” only for it to never make it into the rotation. Instead, they turn into closet art–just hanging there and looking pretty.

      My goal now is to actually wear the closet art before I buy anything more.

    4. I tend to binge shop at the beginning/end of seasons. Just this week I spent $300 or so on a couple sweaters for fall and a bunch of clearance summer items, but I probably won’t even think about shopping again until the holidays.

      1. This is what I do. I hadn’t bought anything since April or May, then in the last three weeks I’ve made three different purchases. I like the end of season sales, and I like getting a couple new things for the upcoming season. I set an annual clothes budget, so as long as I’m within that I don’t mind spending a pile of money (for me) in one month.

    5. Between makeup (new mascara, eyebrow pencils, BB cream, concealer) lasting 3-4 months each, face/hair care (moisturizer, toner, scrub, makeup remover, shampoo, conditioner, lotion lasting 6 months – all are expensive enough to count as makeup), building my wardrobe, and wearing out the cheapie things I bought last year (and regret now -like the H&M purse that didn’t actually zip all the way), I probably average 3-4 purchases a month. They tend to cluster in one month out of a quarter, when I obsessively scout for what I want and buy a new purse, shoes, dress, blazer, 3 tops, sweater, 2 skirts, mascara, and eyeliner all in the same week. But again, I’m still building my professional wardrobe, so that probably makes a big difference.

    6. I used to shop recreationally, so it would be 1-2 purchases a week, mostly at TJ Maxx type stores. I’ve dropped the shopping habit, so it might be as infrequent as once a month or every few months. I’m also trying to be more strategic by filling wardrobe holes and ensuring that new purchases go with at least 3 other items that I already own.

    7. Once a year, unless I wear out an important part of my wardrobe and it can’t be repaired.

    8. It used to be way more, but now I’m trying to save more and have also realized that buying experiences (vacations, etc) makes me much happier than buying things. Plus I don’t really have a need for a lot of non-work clothes (sadly) & buying work clothes just isn’t that fun for me.
      Clothing: Probably every 3-4 months I buy some new work clothes – usually get a few things when I do this. Usually buy fun clothes before a vacation when I’ll have a chance to wear them.
      Shoes: A few times a year I buy some new ones mostly to replace ones that have worn out (I wear cheap ones that aren’t great)
      Makeup: Never, don’t wear it. I guess I bought some for my wedding almost 2 years ago
      Accessories: Essentially never. I guess I bought some belts over a year ago. I don’t wear any jewelry except wedding rings
      Handbags: This is my weakness – I used to buy several expensive for me ($300+) bags a year. I haven’t bought any in awhile though. I think the last one I bought was almost a year ago.

    9. I’ve never had much time to shop, so it’s generally been in bursts.
      Clothes: once or twice a year. Sadly my go-to store has closed, so since March last year I’ve bought exactly two merino sweaters. I will probably have to find a tailor to replace my clothes as they wear out instead.
      Shoes: Since I discovered the new shipping policy for amazon.co.uk, and a few shoe brands that reliably fit, I’ve been buying shoes almost every quarter. sending most back, but keeping a few. Before that, it was once or twice a year.
      Makeup: Less than once a year. They always discontinue whatever favorites I have before I can buy more.
      Accessories: Almost never. I found a hair accessory shop in Munich that had stuff that fit my huge hair this year and pigged out. Other than that I don’t remember – february 2012?
      Handbags: Next to never. My only bag is from Firenze, bought about 5 years ago

  8. I do rarely count how often I shop, I buy things when I like them and need them … clothing, shoes, makeup, furniture, all those things. I rarely buy things out of impulse, even if I see a very nice dress that I like, I spend some time (sometimes too much maybe) imagining how often I’d end up wearing it. Because I have difficulties finding what fits me, I go once or twice abroad and spend big there, ending up buying nothing the rest of the year.

      1. Congrats from me, too! I thought it was so funny how you buried your big announcement in a post about something else! ;)

    2. What, I missed this. Congratulations! Can you re-announce? Also, have you been back to the Silicon Valley women’s club?

  10. Ladies, I have a question regarding cover letters: Do you treat the email itself as a cover letter or do you attach the cover letter along side the resume and in the body of the email merely state your interest and say cover letter and resume attached?

    I’ve previously attached the cover letter, but when speaking with my dad, who works at the senior management level, he mentioned that he has usually seen the email as the cover letter.

    1. I always put my cover letter as the body of the email, unless specifically directed not to. Just seems more convenient for the person on the receiving end to not have to open another attachment.

      2. +2. They’re more likely to read it that way. I attach my resume as a PDF so that the formatting doesn’t get messed up.

    2. I treat it as a sort of short cover letter just hitting the key points: Note if I’ve met the person or talked to someone at the company. Say that X experience or skills I have would be great for the job (2 sentences MAX). Cover letter and resume attached as requested.

      1. Wanted to add that if they ask for a cover letter, I do the attachment because usually the email might get passed/forwarded around many people (Recruiting to Central HR to Division HR to Hiring Manager to whoever actually does the first resume screening). In that case, I don’t want my text pushed down below a bunch of “On 9/19/2013, J. Doe wrote:” text.

      2. I do this too. I want them to be able to print something that looks great, if they’re printing the cover letter and putting it in my file (or better yet, passing it up the chain). At the same time, I think they should have something to read when they open the email (something more than “please see attached”) so I include some portion of my cover letter (usually ~4 sentences). Very interested to read the other responses though!

    3. I’ve done both. I think cover letter in body is slightly less formal so I would do that if I am familiar with the person I’m sending it to. Conversely, if I am sending to a recruiting person I usually attach a letter so it can easily be forwarded to the appropriate person without the format getting warped.

    4. I usually attach the cover letter and in the email I provide a very short: “I am attaching for your consideration my application for ABC Position at XYZ Company. Please contact me if you have any questions or would like any additional information or materials.”

      When I’ve gone on interviews for jobs where I’ve submitted materials via email, I’ve usually noticed that the interviewer has printed my cover letter and resume. I feel much better knowing the cover letter was printed from a .PDF rather than an email because I can control how it looks on someone else’s screen / when its printed.

    5. In my field, we usually see a short email with letter and CV attached. Mainly because we are passing them on to various people and a pdf attachment is, as the Anonymous above says, better under control.

  11. I’m hoping for some perspective on how to detail with some family dynamics with in-laws vs. your family. Apologies for the novel.

    My parents are young and extremely well-off and my DH and I have a great relationship with them (and my siblings and their spouses). In general things tend to flow from them to us (my parents take us all on an annual winter vacation, they provide free childcare frequently, they’ll give us gifts up to the annual gift tax exclusion to help with mortgages, my mom oversaw our kitchen renovation when DH and I were suddenly swamped with months of crazy workloads, they’re emotionally supportive of us, but not particularly needy int return, etc.). My parents even offered to let us move in with them while we were house hunting so we could jump on an opportunity without worrying about renting and DH enthusiastically took them up on it (I was more hesitant than he was). They are also very careful about not overstepping boundaries- I think my mom felt like her MIL was a little oblivious about things, so she’s particularly aware of giving us space and taking our lead on things, despite the close relationships. There’s very little pressure to do things and no strings attached to their generosity. I think our relationship is easy because they have happy lives themselves, with a great relationship, active social lives, hobbies, and the time/financial resources to do whatever makes them happy.

    My MIL, on the other hand, has less going on in her life, and tends to depend on us more, despite the fact that she lives far away. She has been a single parent most of her life and is a bit of a martyr (“I’m just a mom” and “I didn’t date because that wouldn’t have been good for the kids- they’re the only men in my life”). Her financial resources are tighter, she doesn’t really have a large group of friends, and takes a very passive approach to her own life. She struggled with normal boundary setting when DH and I got married (didn’t understand why a nightly phone call before bed was disruptive, resisted the idea of having me come along on their “traditional” family vacations, was really difficult about dealing with holiday splitting, even when we were really conscious that we see my family more on a day to day basis). She can also be very tough on DH when she doesn’t feel he is meeting her emotional needs. We managed mostly because the distance meant this issues were more remote. Now she is thinking of moving to the East Coast. She has mentioned wanting to live in our town, but that is not going to be financially realistic. There are places nearby, but would require her giving up certain “wants,” for example, having an apartment instead of a three bedroom house, and being in a slightly more urban town than suburban, which she doesn’t want to do. DH and I are in the early stages of figuring out what to do.

    While I’ve come to accept that DH and I will need to help support MIL in her old age, I’m not really comfortable with her plan being something that requires our financial assistance. For example, I want her to live somewhere that she can afford, and I would have happy to help with a surprise roof issue, or expensive car trouble, or unexpectedly large vet bill. I’m not really comfortable with the plan being something that isn’t financially feasible on her own. For example, the idea of her buying or renting a place where she can’t afford the monthly mortgage payments/rent and her other expenses without our help makes me really anxious. Is this difference totally arbitrary on my end? This is a tough thing for me to think through and talk to DH about, because realistically the type of help my parents will need is totally different from the type of help MIL will need. So it’s not like a line that we draw here will apply to both families because it is extremely unlikely that my parents will need financial assistance. I’m also not ok with her moving in with us, and know she’ll jump on that being unfair since we lived with my parents for 6 months. To me, it makes a big difference who moves in with who and why. So in our case, we moved in with my parents short-term and it was always in our power to move out. If she were to move in with us, it’s harder for us to remove ourselves from the situation (because it would basically involve kicking her out!). Does this make sense?

    Am I being totally unfair and hard on a little old lady? Or am I being realistic about preserving my own sanity/my own immediate family’s space? Any advice for navigating these new waters would be really really appreciated.

    1. I think its totally fair to expect grown people to live somewhere they can afford. However, it sounds like you depend on your parents for financial help with the mortgage. So really they would be the ones supporting your MIL. I think that can be part of the discussion with your MIL. I think its totally reasonable to not want to live with a parent or parents- how does your husband feel about her living with you?

      1. We don’t! They gift when they can and they know that’s what we use it for so we can hopefully pay less in interest (like paying loans every 2 weeks instead of monthly). But if they were to stop it wouldn’t have an impact on our ability to live where we do or our lifestyle.

      2. I didn’t read it as her parents paying her mortgage, but giving lump sums to pay down principal faster.

    2. I don’t think you are being unfair. I believe it is important to set boundaries with family members.

      I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about your concerns and both of you need to be on the same page with regard to this issue.

      Also, once you guys come to a decision, it needs to be your husband that talks to his mom. It may be better received from him rather than you.

      When she talks about moving, maybe he can steer the conversation to the positive things about where she is now – lower cost of living, nicer weather, etc.

    3. I think this is going to be an ongoing big issue for your marriage as the years go on.

      From my experience: I got married about 8 months ago. My husband and I were both raised by effectively single moms. They both live in our town. Also widely different incomes.

      I continue to have a great relationship with my mom. I have dinner with her one day a week, and see her often with DH too, probably socializing once every two weeks in addition to dinner. She always invites DH to our dinners, but he doesn’t usually come, preferring a night to himself (which is fine with me).

      He and his mom used to be very close. They would talk on the phone multiple times a day, including as soon as he woke up and right before bed. When I started hanging around him a few years ago, he put the kibosh on that. He now has lunch with her about once a week (she doesn’t like eating at night, so dinners are out), but it isn’t a regularly-scheduled thing. If he asks to invite me to lunch, she will abruptly cancel lunch. When they used to talk for hours, he feels like she isn’t sharing as much with him any more. He feels like she is pulling away from him, and we think it might be because she views me as some kind of threat to the relationship she has with her son. So I try to give the two of them lots of space/time to spend together, without me. But many times, she doesn’t even want to hang out with him alone, or return his calls.

      We expect to have to support both our moms as our lives go on. Single moms of adult kids are a tough long-term issue. Neither of us really gets along with our MIL as well as we do our own moms, and sometimes have big fights with our MILs when we have to work together on projects or holidays. Neither DH or I really have any great models of marriage to look to for advice. But we do the best we can, understanding that each relationship is complex.

    4. I think your reasoning about you moving in with your parents vs. her moving in with you is spot on and I would hope your husband could make that clear to you.

      I think it’s absolutely fine to say you don’t think it’s a good idea for your MIL to chose a living situation she cannot afford and that you do not want her living with you. I also think it’s fine to explain that moving in with your parents was always intended to be very temporary and you had the option to vacate at any moment. I am in a similar position to you (wealthy parents who have active happy lives and are generous with interest free loans, vacations, etc. v. widowed MIL living off of social security) and it can be tough. I do think you should plan to provide some financial assistance to your MIL like you mentioned, but that is very different than saying you’ll pay 1/3 of her rent/mortgage every month.

      Does your DH have siblings? What do they think?

      1. One little brother, on the west coast, who is less financially able to help out and less willing to deal with the emotional baggage. I think since DH was older, MIL relied on him more, and BIL doesn’t seem to want to get involved and step into the line of fire.

        I guess I’m trying to articulate what I’m comfortable doing. I would never leave MIL struggling and would absolutely be willing and happy to help with all the unexpected costs that come up in life, but don’t want to be expected to subsidize her life for the foreseeable future. I think part of it is that DH and I are young and it isn’t like we’re fully set ourselves. We’re doing well, but we have 1 kid and want 3- what if we have one with special needs? or one of us gets fired? or one of us wants to stay home with kids? Making the commitment of $X to MIL per month seems like it adds more to our monthly nut than I’d be able to do and still feel like I can sleep at night.

        1. Yes, totally reasonable. Make sure your DH is thinking about it in those terms, too. If your DMIL can afford to support herself, she should definitely structure a life where she can do that, for as long as possible.

          Agree with everyone that your DH has to be the one to communicate with her about this. But also know she will blame you for all of it.

          Good luck. Sounds really tough, but you are coming at it from a good, self-aware place. Just make sure DH is on the same page.

    5. I think its totally reasonable not to want her to move in with you and not to want to support her living beyond her means. I am in a similar situation with my parents very well off and my husband’s parents not as well off. They make enough money to support themselves in a very high cost of living city now but they have unpredictable jobs and very little savings. We have accepted that we will likely be supporting them somewhat in the future, but we have talked about it and have agreed that supporting them means putting a roof over their heads in a safe place, food on the table and necessary medicine. It does not mean helping them maintain their current standard of living. At the point at which they need money from us, they will have to live on our terms, in an affordable place. So to answer your question, yes, I think you’re being totally reasonable. That said, the most important thing is to have your DH on board. If you two agree, then don’t worry about what anyone else thinks (including his family members). If your DH is not in agreement, that’s a different question and I don’t really have any advice.
      FWIW, I think moving in with your parents is different than letting your MIL move in with you – in one situation you can end the living together at any time by moving out, in the other situation you can’t. So it doesn’t seem analogous at all to me. That doesn’t mean she won’t complain, but just ignore it.

    6. I think there is a huge difference between giving your MIL one-off help (roof, vet bill) versus being responsible for making sure she can pay her mortgage, buy groceries, and the like. I would not want to be responsible for basic living expenses. Plus, you know you’ll eventually be supporting her anyway, but why bear that extra burden now if you don’t have to?

      I also do not think your MIL should live with you. From what you’ve said, she has boundary and dependency issues that will only be exacerbated if she lives with you. It’s one thing if she moved to your area and needed two weeks before her apartment was ready. That’s more of a visit. It’s quite another with an indefinite move-out date.

      I agree with the other posters that your DH has to be the one to communicate decisions on this front to his mother.

    7. Also, how far out is she from social security? It is often not enough to live on, but for someone with no savings, it’s better than nothing.

      There may also be senior living communities near your local area. That might be a good place for her to think about living.

      I think the most important thing to do is talk about this with your DH. Sounds like it’s going to be a major issue affecting your marriage & family for years to come.

    8. How serious is she about moving? Is she just making noise or actively looking at jobs/places? Is she one for thinking out loud, or maybe talking about it in the hopes that your DH will read her mind and just make it happen?

      It might be a good time to have a conversation with your husband about how you’d want to handle that eventuality, but avoid engaging too much in the conversation with MIL about that possibility until she shows some initiative on her own.

    9. I think you’re being totally reasonable and, ugh, if you just flip it, it’s our family (my in-laws are your parents, and my mom is your MIL) so I feel your pain.

      1. Same here. My mom has been making “so when you buy the next house, make sure there’s an in-law apartment” jokes for years, and we know she’s not joking.

        Luckily, while DH and I have the financial resources, my sister is much closer to my mom and would probably voluntarily take her in. So we’ve already had the (very premature) conversation that in a tough situation, my sister would take her in, and my brother and I would contribute financially (mostly me, as brother doesn’t have as much).

        I’m mostly annoyed that my mom, who is in her early 60s, does a LOT of traveling for someone with not so much in the way of retirement savings. But on the flip side, I see her logic–you never know what’s next.

        1. On the travel bit- I have been trying to encourage my parents to travel in their late 50s/60s since I can see with my grandmother that travel just gets tougher after mid-70s.

    10. I’m going to offer a somewhat different perspective.

      I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but I think maybe you are being a little insensitive. You’re coming from what sounds like a fantastic situation – your parents are together and have each other, they have active social lives, they are very well off and can help you and your siblings with money, and you all get along great and they’re generally happy people. We should all be so lucky. Truly!

      Your MIL, on the other hand, is alone, doesn’t sound all that happy with how her life has turned out and has much more limited resources. I am not suggesting you should have her move in with you (that would only make everyone miserable). And I am not suggesting that you should agree to subsidize her life now. But I don’t think it would be unreasonable to expect to help a bit financially — if you can afford it — when the time comes. In the meantime, of course you should set boundaries and help her find a property that she can afford on her own. But I would just be mindful of what a very privileged place you’re coming from and imagine if the situation was reversed. What if this was your mom, how would you feel? I know it’s not usually how people on this site see this issue (there tends to be a lot “I’m not responsible for my parents’ life choices”), but I tend to feel like we have a certain responsibility to our parents in their old age, much like they had a responsibility to us in our young age.

      My father’s mother had a very bad car accident shortly before I was born and, as a result, lived with us when I was growing up. I’m sure my mother wasn’t thrilled about it but it was just what you did because due to a number of circumstances the alternatives were just not viable. Some things in life you just do.

      Anyway, I don’t think what you are seeking is particularly unreasonable but I would try to be more sympathetic to her and your husband’s situation in this instance. It’s not just your money, it’s his money as well. Perhaps he feels differently about being able to help the woman who raised him.

      1. Yes, lots of issues with the husband — this is his mother, of course he will want to help her out. I would frame it as a discussion of your own finances and financial goals. You need to save for your children’s education, your own retirement, pay for your house, maybe start saving in case one of you decides to stay home with kids. Who does most of your bill-paying and such?

      2. I’m sure most people would agree that they have a certain responsibility to their parents in their old age. But to my mind, there’s a big difference between, say, paying for an aged or infirm parent who’s run through their financial resources to be cared for in a nice nursing home and helping a middle-aged parent who has financial resources but wishes she could live beyond them. I don’t know how old the MIL is, or what her circumstances are, so take the comparison with a grain of salt. It’s one thing if MIL is going to end up homeless or living somewhere unsafe. But it’s another if she can afford a perfectly nice apartment in a safe neighborhood but she’d just really rather have a big house in a nice suburb.

        I have a little bit of the same issue in my family — my parents live in a small apartment and I have more resources than they do. Financially I could give them something every month (or on a yearly basis) so that they could live in a bigger apartment. But they made a choice to not work past age 62 and live in a neighborhood where they don’t get much living space for their money. So I feel like it would be weird to subsidize them. I do try to be very generous with gifts though — they really like to travel, so I often give them vacations or certificates to stay at a nice inn as a Christmas or birthday present. I also have been known to ask my mom to help me with some big project (like supervising a home improvement project) and then paying her for her time (which money goes straight into her pocket without my dad knowing so that she can splurge on some things that he thinks are silly).

      3. Thank you! I really am aware of how lucky I have it and how lucky my parents are. Honestly, I hope to be as happy and fortunate as they are and have allowed me to be by extension.

        I’ve tried so hard to help on the emotional side of things, finding book clubs, group cooking lessons, adult walking groups, etc. for MIL to participate in and she shuts things down.I try to make sure that gifts we give and things are things that add to her life happiness that she wouldn’t be able to do on her own- taking her on vacations, surprising her with visits, just paying for the premium channels she loves but wouldn’t get if they weren’t a “free trial” etc. DH and I have both sorta come to the place that you have to be willing to choose happiness, and she seems like she’s not able to embrace doing things that are out of her usual comfort zone. That might be part of what freaks me out the most about having her move in with us (which DH seems to agree is a bad idea)- I’m afraid it’ll suddenly become our responsibility to make her happy or our very upbeat, positive household will have to absorb the negative attitude.

        1. You are not responsible for your parents’ happiness.

          Let me repeat that again. You are not responsible for the happiness of any of your adult family members.

          I read that on this site a while ago, and it really affected me. And it is true.

    11. I could have written the exact same description, OP. No great advice beyond what has already been given, but I completely understand how hard and frustrating this is. I also think that this is something more and more people in our generation are having to address. In my case, my FIL (who I never knew) passed away unexpectedly and there was little insurance. My MIL, who has never worked a day in her life, was used to being kept in really nice standard of living, but unfortunately one that did not have room for savings. She ran thru what there was in no time flat. While she now claims SSI, as someone mentioned above, it’s not enough. I think she ultimately thought, like many do, that there would be years of working and saving ahead of her and her husband. My husband and I have not 100% figured out how we will address this in our case, but we’ve started having conversations as it’s becoming closer to coming to pass. On the flip, my parents are squirrels. From the outside, my MIL has a much nicer standard of living than my parents. But they are sitting on a huge amount of savings, and have been very generous to me and my husband. Sometimes the difference in lifestyles infuriates me to be honest.

    12. I’m going to go off in a completely different direction and ask:

      Is there some way you and your DH can “invest” in your MIL separate from money?

      By that, I mean, it sounds like she’s an unhappy person right now, and has been for some time. And it sounds like it’s due to a combination of circumstances, plus choices she made in the past, plus the attitude she chooses to have now.

      Is there any way you two can offer *gentle* support to help her develop a less negative outlook, and be less codependent? I know it’s a tall order, but I think of it as an emotional and relationship analogue to “give a man a fish/teach a man to fish”.

      Even if the money issues weren’t there, the codependency/control stuff is tough. It sounds like you do care about her well-being very much and her emotional health is part of that.

    13. I guess I disagree with the other posters. It sounds like you are a really lucky person whose parents have made great financial decisions and are willing to share their bounty with you, and that’s great. But your MIL is still your husband’s mother – she is family. She may have made decisions that you disagree with, or that werne’t terribly responsible, but your husband is justified in wanting to help support her if she can’t fully support herself. That ought not mean she has to live with you, but if you don’t want her living with you, my thought is that you and your husband ought to come up with somewhere for her to live that’s safe and comfortable for her. I guess I’m sympthatetic to your husband’s position becuase I’m in the position of having ot support my parents – and while I wish I didn’t, they are and have been wonderful parents, and I’m just so darn glad they’re still alive that I will do whatever I can for them.

      1. But the OP didn’t say her MIL couldn’t support herself or would end up living somewhere unsafe. I think the question is whether the OP and her husband should feel some obligation to support his mother in the style she would prefer (meaning a 3 bedroom house in a nice suburb), as opposed to what she could afford herself (still nearby, but an apartment instead of a house and not in the cushy suburb).

      2. OP Here- Thank you for the advice! I would never leave her in a situation that is unsafe or uncomfortable. I guess part of what I’m struggling with is that DH and I have a nice lifestyle, but MIL sees us as more well off/ extravagant than we are. We live in a good neighborhood because we want our kids to go to the public school; we have a nice house because we bought run down and renovated it and plan to be here for the next 20 years so stretch now to be happy with it later; we wear “fancy” clothes because we have professional jobs in nyc; we eat a lot of take out because we don’t have the time to cook after work etc. I think part of my stress is that it seems like MIL wants to live above her means, having us subsidize it, but I feel like subsidizing it puts DH and I about our means (though I am admittedly very conservative)! Could we afford to do exactly what it seems like she wants us to do? Probably, but it would be something that keeps me up at night and is a source of anxiety. Just on rough estimates, just making up the rent differential in what she wants vs. can afford, we’d be looking at around $36k per year. I just feel like that’s a lot to wrap my head around.

        I think maybe part of the trouble is that she doesn’t have a realistic sense of our financial picture. Maybe giving her a little more insight into our situation/plan and trying to open the dialogue with her would be a good idea.

        1. My gut reaction: I wouldn’t open up the details of your financial life to your MIL. If your DH wants to share some, I guess that’s his privilege but I would offer as little information as possible. The conversation could quickly become a minefield in which your MIL feels entitled to question every financial decision made by you and DH; this will only unhappily emphasize the differences in outlook between your two households which seem to boil down to “actively choose happiness (and be prepared to work for it)” versus “hang on for dear life, hope for the best to happen, but don’t actively strive to make it happen.” There are many possible explanations for why your MIL consciously or unconsciously made this decision (generational? upbringing? her formal education, professional preparation, or lack thereof? Other expectations of adult womanhood… prior to and after ending up single?); for whatever reason, she took this path and will probably just feel more defensive if you start comparing your lives.

          I like Susedna’s suggestions of “investing” in your MIL. Which of her interests can be leveraged, massaged, or otherwise extended to enrich her life? Does she do handcrafts? Sew? Want to volunteer for good works or a particular cause or political party? If she’s religious, a congregation or study group may be a ready-made source of community. Focus on the positive and try to overlook the negative. If there’s anything positive she can contribute to your household–traditional recipes, gardening, family stories, help identifying everybody in old photographs–embrace this, encourage it, and praise her both in person and to your children. Kids benefit from having loving grandparents even if the parents have to occasionally stifle their annoyance at the grandparents’ peculiar habits!

          You should be commended for trying to do the right things: neither leaving your MIL to suffer privation, nor allowing her situation to completely upset the happy life you and your DH have created. Stay strong, be supportive of your DH, and practice being diplomatic. Also learn the warning signs of when you are totally maxed out so you can take care of yourself before–not after–you reach the breaking point. You will need these skills. I haven’t lived with family, but otherwise I speak from some experience.

        2. Wow, $36,ooo a year is $3000 a month – that is more than my mortgage payment and I’m in an extremely high cost area. I think your DH can be a good son without paying $36,000 a year or having her move in with you. He can also assure her that families take care of each other when times are rough (implying that times *now* aren’t rough).

          I agree that you don’t want to tell her what your income/expenses but your DH can let her know that that amount needs to go to your retirement savings so that you don’t have to depend on YOUR kids when you’re at retirement age.

          Good luck.

  12. Saw your post from the morning thread just now. Where did you get your JCs fixed? Looking for a place in DC to get my (black leather + nude leather) ones done. Thank you!

    1. Co-sign! I need a place to have protective/rubber soles put on a new pair and, needless to say, I want a place that will treat my new babies right… thanks!

    2. No DC proper. But I am, or was until I moved away a couple of months ago, a big fan of Golden Shoe Repair in Ballston (just a couple blocks from the metro). He restretched the leather over a pair of Gucci heels for me not long ago (and also for other shoes). I pretty much trusted him with all of my cobbler needs (and I’m pretty rough on shoes).

  13. Just curious, has anyone figured out the rhyme or reason to when newer comments get kicked to a second page? I would have thought after a certain number of comments but that doesn’t seem to be the case…

    1. I think it’s after a certain number of first-comments (the ones in the pink boxes). But I’m not entirely sure.

    2. My WAG is that it depends on the formatting of the add at the bottom. I guess if the ad has a tall buffer zone above it, only X comments before the X+1 gets kicked to the next page. Whereas if the ad has a short buffer zone, then maybe 3X comments can fit.

      It is an annoying feature — I am wondering whether the blog can be set to just have 1 continuous scrolling page. I get the impression that comments on the 2nd page get short shrift.

    3. I thought it’s after about 200 comments? But she just changed up the back-end tech a few weeks ago, so who knows now. It seems it’s happening more.

      1. The previous thread has 2 pages for 64 comments, and yesterday it was just over 50. I think about 200 should be the right number to keep it from being too unwieldy to scroll through on a phone or ipad.

  14. TJ: apartment decorating help needed!
    I’m not sure if I’m preggo-nesting or just rightfully bored in my apartment. I desperately want to spruce up our space. Trick: we’re renting and our lease ends in July, so I really don’t want to paint (much). The walls are white, the kitchen is white, and we have parquet floors.. We have curtains in every room (purchased last summer) and colored throw pillows on the couch. We have rugs on the floors and wedding photos on the walls. Will replacing my shower curtain help? Any ideas? Budget: under $500.

    1. Preggo-nesting? Oy with the babymoons already :)

      Also Yes! In my experience changing the shower curtain makes a huge difference for very little cost. Also for $500 you could be buying fresh flowers weekly for quite a while. I always find them to be very refreshing.

      1. Awesome! Thank you all — these are very helpful ideas. I will replace the outer shower curtain right away (we do have a cloth one, but it’s mostly white — how did I do that?!).

    2. Yes, on the shower curtain. If you have a plastic one, get a fabric one. I was shocked at what a difference it made in my bathroom. West Elm usually has nice ones on clearance.

      You could also get a cute little rug for the kitchen (I have washable stripped cotton ones I rotate) and they really brighten up my (also) white kitchen. Ikea and TJ Maxx/Homegoods usually have a good selection and they’re super cheap.

      New towel for kitchen or bath can also help spruce up the place and you can take them with you when you move. Same for cute throw pillow. West Elm is also good for this – they tend to have a bunch on sale at any give time. Also, Pottery Barn.

      Or a nice plant or several – I think greenery really helps.

    3. Yes!

      Shower curtain, little throw rugs, new pillows, new sheets – all inexpensive (compared to furniture) and easily transitioned to a new place.

      Also, those wallpaper-as-decals!

      Can you re-stack your chatchkes (?spelling) and dustcatchers and books on shelves? Maybe a new arrangement would make it seem new. I know that color-stacking is popular. I’d never find a book again, but that’s another story…

      Finally, what about some new art? Many standard framing chains have decent art at reasonable prices. Even picking up a poster (art dot com, museum shops on line) and popping it into a standard, premade frame can help. You can always box up or put into an under-bed box the items you’ve taken down until you get to your new place with new/different walls and rooms.

      What about new placemats and towels for the kitchen? We use the long hand towels designed for bathrooms as our napkins on the table. Easy to wash and clean, soft, large, and great for mopping up. Even a stack of colorful dishtowels (?Crate and Barrel) can liven up a solid color kitchen.

    4. Try moving the furniture around. That can make a huge difference.

      The wall decals also sound like a great option.

      Temporary dividing screens are also a good way to mix it up.

    5. One easy way to add some art to your walls is to frame pretty photos/shots from old calendars. With the right matting and/or framing (neither of which have to be expensive), they can look really nice, and no one has to know that you got from a calendar.

      Have fun decorating!

    6. A new comforter might make your bedroom look like a whole new space. What about reorganizing your closet?

    7. One of my really good friends paints one or two walls in her apartment, every time she rents a new one. And I have to say those accent walls are gorgeous and really make her place seem like a home and not just a rental. In her last apartment, she had a deep orange wall in her bedroom and a sage green wall in her living room.

      Then she and her husband go out and get white paint and repaint before they move out.

  15. Returning from maternity leave threadjack —

    I’m coming to the end of what has been a blissful, wonderful maternity leave with my first baby, and I’m dreading returning to work. I wasn’t expecting to feel this way — I love my job, and it’s about as lifestyle-friendly as a full time law job can be. And like everyone on here, my career is a huge part of my identity. I thought by now I’d be feeling bored and wanting adult company and intellectual stimulation, but I’m not there yet — I am still just so happy hanging out with my son all day. And the thought of going back to the office and only getting to see him a few hours a day just makes me so sad. Unfortunately I don’t have the option of extending my leave, so I just have to suck it up and get through it.

    So, for those who have been through it, any words of wisdom about how it’s going to be ok? And any advice on making the transition as painless as possible?

    1. The anticipation of going back is so much worse than actually going back. Once I returned, I really appreciated grown up talk/using my brain for legal work/not having full-time responsibility over an infant. Not that my kids aren’t awesome, of course, but I do think I’m happier when I’m working and spending time with them.

      Try to iron out details in advance of your return as best you can — figure out childcare and backup childcare (e.g., if kid is too sick for daycare, nanny has an emergency and can’t come to work); cook a few freezer meals or grab a few take-out menus; etc. Also depend on your partner to help — I definitely took on more housework responsibilities when I was on leave, but once I went back to work, we got back to a more balanced housework distribution.

      If you’re going to try to pump at work, get all the accessories you need to make things easy on yourself (spare parts to leave at work, hands-free pump and pumping br@).

      Good luck — it’s tough but you’ll get through it!

    2. I just came back to work after maternity leave not too long ago, and I know everyone is different (I personally hit the wall of being bored and wanting intellectual stimulation after I was home about 6 weeks…), but it honestly will be ok. I have an awesome time with my little one in the morning before work and after work, and spend the whole weekend totally wrapped up with the babe. Lots of other things (my exercise routine, household maintenance) have suffered as a result, but I’ll deal with them later (I wasn’t doing that well with those during maternity leave either to be honest… or frankly, even pre-kiddo to be really brutally honest). I tell myself that by being at work, I miss out on a couple of naps and a couple of pre-nap fussy times. Intectually, I know there’s more to it, but it does help to gloss over things a bit.

    3. I returned from leave recently, but was in a different position than you were in that I was looking forward to getting back (I took 6 months off, which I felt was ample time to hang out and bond with my son. If I had only had a few months off, I know I would have felt exactly like you did). Is your son going to daycare? What helped me in part was seeing how much good stimulation he was getting from being around the other babies, the reading, singing, playing, going on walks, etc. As much of a hands on parent that I tried to be, I just couldn’t replicate the environment that they have in the daycare. Maybe knowing how much he is learning/absorbing while you’re at work will help?

      Also, pictures in your office of your baby. Also, strangely, pumping — knowing that I am giving my son my milk and how it will help him makes me happy. And finally, read Lean In – I was sort of ho hum about my career and am now really invigorated about it after reading the book.

    4. My advice is just to find what it takes to get YOU through the day. Absolutely streamline your morning routine, dwell on what you like about work, consider the extra things you can give your baby because of your salary–but you have to do what works for you. Personally, I had an awful time going back after both my maternity leaves (both times returning to BigLaw). The first time, I couldn’t have photos of my baby in the office for the first few months, because seeing a glimpse of her made me want to bolt out the door and go get her (and I loved my job! and I loved her nanny! It is just plain hard for me, on a viceral level, to convince myself to be interested in, i.e., document review over the reminder that there was this darling little person who wanted to hang out with me.) My colleagues were baffled that I didn’t have any photos around, but I just couldn’t. I also rewarded myself with special “events” that I’d mentally plan out (ie Saturday morning, we are going to stroll to the farmer’s market, and then I’ll give her a lovely long bath….) Do what works for you.

      My main advice is to be as kind as possible to yourself, and give it time.

    5. I felt fairly ready to go back, but it was still hard. I had the opportunity to ease into full-time–I first did 20 hours, then 30 hours for a couple of weeks before going to 40 (I’m in-house). I thought that was helpful, to have some time to get used to the separation and new routines. I’ll also caution that while I was sad to leave my daughter at 3 months, it actually got harder around the 6-9 month window, when she really started doing new things every day and becoming more and more interactive. I feel as you do about the importance of my work, but I still have days when I wonder about cutting back. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s not like I’ve ever reached a point where I feel consistently sure about what I’m doing when it comes to work/home balance–it seems that just as I get comfortable with one stage of parenting, something changes and I’m reexamining how to make it all work.

      So, cosign CapHillAnon’s advice to be kind to yourself and give it time, plus the standard advice to (if feasible) throw money at anything that intrudes on family time; e.g., we have someone clean every other week and we just do our best in the interim, with time together always the priority.

  16. Minimize the stress involved with getting back into a work routine. Get meals prepped, make the dry cleaner run, etc. There have been past posts on the specifics of streamlining the morning routine. Another thing that helped me was start daycare the week before I went back to work . That way I could get used to the routine of dropping him off, get through those emotional few days of leaving, have childcare to do maintenance/life appts and then we could pick him up early. It’s going to take a few months or longer before you really feel like you are working on all cylinders again. Be patient and gentle with yourself and remind yourself that work is rewarding to you. It gets easier, especially once you realize how much your child can thrive in different environments.

    1. Dear Husband. Along with DD and DS for dear daughter and dear son. I think it comes from old advice columns. I always find it amusing when someone is complaining about their dear whoever and still uses the term as in, “DH and I got into a huge fight last night…”

  18. I am moving from warm, sunny southern California to Chicago this winter and know that I need new shoes, coats, etc. but am a loss with what to get! (Seriously I walk to work in flip flops every day of the year and wear my leather jacket when it gets “cold”) So, what are your favorite brands of rain boots, snow boots, coats, etc? Also any help for suggestions of what to buy fiance also greatly appreciated. He is also from warm climates, so we’re in trouble this year!

    1. Do not be afraid to get a big, downy, at least knee-length winter coat. Yes, it looks a little ridiculous to the untrained eye, but everyone wears them when it gets freezing (don’t be the transplant who busts it out at 40 degrees though :) ). Do not wear suede shoes/ boots of any sort outside in the winter – the rock salt will stain and destroy it.

    2. I am not sure what your budget is for these things but here goes:

      For rain boots: keep in mind that rain boots are not snow boots even though some people insist on wearing rain boots in the snow. Even with the fleecy liner for Hunters, your feet will probably be cold in a true winter storm. Hunters are obviously a classic and favorite of many; I like tretorn as well, and you can find those on sale frequently on sites like 6 pm dot. They make a winter version that has a lining, too. For your fiance, LL Bean makes awesome duck boots (basically what men like to call their rain boots). They have a winter version, too. I got these for my SO and he loves them. And they look slightly silly if you’ve never seen them, but I think are quite hip nowadays, if these things matter to you.

      For snow boots: La Canadienne makes really plush ones but they’re expensive and a lot of them are frumpy — a lot but not all! They are pretty great for slippery winter streets though and the quality is amazing. I like to get ones up to my knee because I still like skirts and dresses in winter and this keeps me the warmest. Personally, I like to have at least two pairs of boots to rotate: a regular leather pair for regular cold days and really warm, lined in something pair for bad snowy ones. Tights are obviously a must too. I like HUE and DKNY for everyday, and Uniqlo makes heat retaining tights for when it’s extra cold. There is such a thing as fleece lined tights but I haven’t tried them.

      For coats: I think in a cold climate like NY or Chicago, you ideally need 3 coats: a super warm puffy coat (look for ribbed cuffs on the sleeves to keep air out and a hood to put over your head in the wind); a trench for transition weather, and a reg. wool coat for fancier occasions/not so cold winter days. You don’t have to get all three right away. For brands, a lot of people like the JCrew coats for wool ones, and I have, love and recommend their puffy coat (the Factory one is also good and less $$, fyi). Uniqlo makes a nice trench, as does DKNY, JCrew (reg and factory), Boden and probably lots of other places. Keep in mind that with a coat, esp. a wool one and the trench, you may want to size up one size if you’re going to be wearing it with blazers and such. A lot of people here also like LL Bean and Land’s End for warm coats, but I find the fit to be a little off for me — they tend to be boxier imo and I feel super frumpy, like I’m wearing the coat equivalent of mom jeans. Both also have men’s stuff, though, and between that and Eddie Bouer, your fiance should be covered. Kenneth Cole also seems to make popular mens’ outerwear and you will not go wrong with Brooks Brothers for a formal coat.

      The greatest thing you can buy fiance besides the obvious is flannel lined jeans. Trust me, he will love you so so much for this. Jcrew, LL Bean, Land’s End all make them for the winter. It makes a huge difference.

      Northface makes really nice gloves, esp. mens. Northface also make pretty good puffy coats.

      If you don’t like to wear hats or don’t want to have the hat ruin your hair, ear muffs are awesome. Also, scarves are your friend and can make you so much warmer. And if it all gets to be too much to bear, there are always silk long johns. Good luck with the move.!

      1. Second everything AIMS said, particularly the silk long johns. Forgot to mention those. And – AIMS – I bought fleece-lined tights, and I never wear them. They are so thick, I feel like they add too much bulk. And, they just aren’t as stretchy and comfortable as regular tights. I stick to the Spanx tights generally, though I’ve never tried heat-retaining ones … interesting …

        1. That’s what I was afraid of — I bought a pair of fleece lined leggings that I wore during a particularly bad stretch last winter over regular tights on my commute, and they were so thick that I felt like a toddler in them.

          The uniqlo heat stuff is great (they make undershirts, tanks, etc.) but it really does make you too hot if it’s not actually freezing. It’s an odd feeling, like wearing head to toe 70s polyester.

      2. Lands End have really updated their stuff and are trying to appeal to a younger demographic. I have 2 of this season’s coats and I love the cut and fit!

      3. Two more shopping possibilities for winter clothing(although I haven’t checked online to confirm their presence in Chicagoland): REI and military surplus stores. Both skew more casual but if you need warm boots or socks (REI) or spare gloves and mittens (surplus) you might find what you’re seeking. Also, ask your coworkers, new neighbors, acquaintances, friends of friends etc.

        Second AIMS’s comment that “scarves are your friend.” When I lived in Illinois I sometimes wore two scarves to cover various parts of my head and also provide a warming area over my mouth for the air before I inhaled it. (If you wear glasses, welcome to the Fogged Lenses Society! You’ll have to leave a gap between your nose and the scarf so you won’t exhale directly on your lenses.)

        Learn to walk on ice and packed snow: Keep your center of gravity (hips & pelvis) down and tipped a bit forward. Also lean forwards at your shoulders and upper spine. Take careful steps. If it’s really bad, be sure that each new step has secure footing before you take the next one. If you fall, you don’t want to go backwards and strike the back of your head on the hard ground.

        Don’t thaw out your windshield by pouring boiling water on it. (No experience here, just a dramatic urban legend.) Also, if you’re going to warm up your car, make sure that your tailpipe has room to vent. Dig it out if necessary! You don’t want the exhaust backing up into the cabin of the car.
        Shovel snow carefully as you get older. This goes for your DH (if any) also.
        Oh yes, and remember that freshly falling or new-fallen snow is truly beautiful.

      4. +1 for silk long johns. They are warm when you are outside but not hot indoors, and they are lightweight enough not to be bulky under clothes.

        Down is great. In addition to a coat, you may want to invest in a down comforter if your house or apartment is at all drafty.

        Smartwool socks are great for keeping your feet warm without bulk.

        Hats, scarves, and mittens are also hugely helpful for staying warm.

    3. You know that old saw about “you lose giant% of your body heat from your head”? It’s true. You may not be used to wearing hats, but you will be soon. A warm hat can make all the difference.

    4. YES. I moved up here from the south, and not one of my so-called dear friends told me to buy a down coat. BUY a DOWN COAT. It is life-changing. Mine is Cole Haan, but I don’t think it probably matters what brand. You will also probably want to buy a nice heavyweight wool coat that you can wear to more formal occasions, but don’t do that in lieu of the down coat (and make sure it’s heavy weight and not medium weight, and don’t trust thinsulate).

      Hunter boots are great for the nasty slush that sticks around after a big snow – buy some of their flannel-y boot socks too. I have some Columbia snow boots that I like, but they are lace-up and I’m too lazy to deal with that generally. Really I tend to just stick with the Hunters unless it’s actually knee-high snow – which is rare, thankfully – and then bust out the fleece-lined rubber-soled water-resistant knee boots.

      Oh – and people think you know this but you probably don’t (at least, it didn’t occur to me). Buy gloves, a scarf and a hat (fleece-lined is best). You will feel stupid wearing them at first, but you will get used to it and they help immensely. Have a northerner show you what to do with the scarf. As it turns out, you do not just keep wrapping it around and around and around your neck until you reach the end.

    5. Oh yes on the knee length down. I’m from a colder part of Canada, I will feel -40C this winter, and I bought the Patagonia Tres-in-One jacket this past year, I cannot sing it’s praises enough. I love that the down part zips out so I can wear just the shell, or just the down when it’s only -10 or so, but when I put them together, I am warm in the -30C, it’s amazing. I also have a couple of nice wool coats that I’ll wear above -15C or so, but below that, I don’t even care how I look I just want to be warm, and no one else cares either.

      Other things I find mandatory: a good scarf that’s long enough to wrap around my face and neck, a good hat that covers my forehead and ears, mittens (gloves just won’t cut it, I have cashmere lined leather ones that are great for -10C or so, but below that, I am wearing fleece lined mittens), good boots that can stand snow/salt with a really good tread (especially since you’re not used to walking on ice, which I believe is a skill), wool socks (smartwool makes the best ones), fleece lined tights. Also, layers, learn how to do them- they can really make a big difference. Wind and wet are your enemies, you want to break the wind and stay dry as much as possible.

      Things you might not think of- you will need much better lotion in the winter, nosebleeds might happen if it’s dry (or, conversely, mould if it’s damp) so consider a humidifier or dehumidifier, especially in the bedroom.

      For brands, I am a fan of patagonia and sorel for jackets/boots, canada goose is also well regarded. For scarves/hats/mittens, I sort of just keep an eye out for whenever I find ones that I like and pick them up as I see them (I just have a giant basket just full of winter accoutrements).

      If you drive, winter tires are worth the money, and honestly, try to get into some outdoor winter activities- skiing, hiking, skating, whatever, it will make you hate winter a lot less, and save you from spending 6 months (well, maybe 4? I think Chicago is warmer than here) inside.

    6. I would recommending buying cheap stuff at Target or somewhere similar until you know what your new coworkers wear in the winter. I wouldn’t have wanted to buy expensive Hunter rainboots if none of my coworkers had them. I totally agree that you need silk long johns and uniqlo heat under layers, but for any of these expensive purchases, don’t feel like you have to go out and buy everything all at once. Also, I’ve gotten some great deals on winter stuff in January, even though the temperature goes way lower in Jan/Feb than it does in Nov/Dec (usually). Good luck with your move!!

      1. I heartily disagree – I’m guessing you have never lived in Chicago. You absolutely must invest in a good, warm coat and boots that won’t soak your feet. (Lol @ waiting until January to buy…your limbs will be frostbitten by then!). No one will pay attention to the brand unless it’s covered in the Chanel logo or something. You’re wasting your money if you get cheap crap at target.

        1. Target can be good for rain boots, at 1/6 the price of Hunter, and equally useless at preventing frostbite.

          1. Disagree. I used to go through a pair of Target rain boots every 4 to 6 months before all the seams in the rubber broke. I’ve had a single pair of Hunters for a year and a half, and they still look brand new. I think rain boots are an item that you should invest in.

        2. I do endorse waiting until you get to Chicago to go shopping. I did the California to Chicago move a decade ago and would’ve had no idea how to choose what to buy before I arrived.

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