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If I ever find myself with a truly obscene amount of money to spend on clothing, I will be dressed from head to toe in Loro Piana cashmere. This baby cashmere blazer is first on my list. (If you’re curious, as I was, baby cashmere is made from the first combing of a baby cashmere goat. It’s finer and softer than other types of cashmere.)
Sadly, it’s not in my budget at the moment, but if it were, I’d wear this black blazer with just about everything — dresses, slacks, jeans, pajamas, everything.
The jacket is $4,800 and comes in sizes 4–12. Baby Cashmere Button Jacket
Two much more affordable options are from C by Bloomingdale's (on sale for $160, sizes XS–XL) and Charter Club (on sale for $117, sizes 0X–3X).
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
rugs
Hive, can anyone comment on how polyester rugs hold up? I’m contemplating the Wildwood Garden rug by Rifle Paper Co. for the living room, where we spend lots of time with an almost-toddler and a cat on the floor. Should I be concerned about chemicals? Will this fade or get destroyed quickly?
https://riflepaperco.com/wildwood-garden-navy-power-loomed-rug
Also, any thoughts on what kind of stair runner to pair with this? In a townhouse where the front door immediately opens up to the living space and stairwell. Thanks!
NY CPA
Unfortunately I dont have an answer to your question but oh man that’s a pretty rug! Love the colors
Vicky Austin
+1 – so gorgeous! It looks like the cover of a book of fairy tales.
anon
Oh, I love anything from Rifle Paper Co. The designs and colors are so pretty. IDK, I’d say it’s worth the risk of trying.
Emma
Oh I didn’t know that Rifle Paper Co made rugs! That Terrace Dove print is calling my name…
No Problem
I’ve never owned anything other than polyester rugs, and they’ve all held up just fine and never faded. And for the price point, it’s not the end of the world if cat or child gets destructive!
Anonymous
The Environmental Working Group might be a good resource for the chemical question. There was also an article in the New York Times about it a week or so ago. I believe your main concern with rugs is formaldehyde. Since you specifically want a place for your child to play, I would invest in an all cotton rug or something without formaldehyde.
Anon
I believe those are Loloi rugs – they’re basically printed mats. If you search for reviews for other Loloi rugs you should be able to dig up a lot of reviews. It seems like some people love them and some people are taken aback because they are expecting a regular rug – I’ve seen them in person and the prints look nice but they look smooth in texture if that bothers you. They’re definitely not heirloom quality, but they’re also priced for it.
Bonnie Kate
+1 I have heard the same reviews about Loloi rugs. But holy cow that’s pretty, I kind of want it for my entry hall.
Loloi
I got a Loloi rug that’s a regular rug, not mat-like and we’ve had it for five years with three kids under 6 and a dog and it’s been AMAZING. FWIW. it’s the most stain proof thing in our house!
Ellen
Elizabeth, I love this baby cashmere just like you, but since this is Pricey Monday, I will first need to be married to a rich guy, as my Dad says I would be frivilus to buy this for myself! Cashmere is the best, and does not itch like other wool, but he said I would be pulling the wool over my eyes if I thought I could afford this! Dad says it would be alot easier for me to just find and marry a rich guy who would not care what I bought as long as I took care of him. I spent the whole weekend rewriting my pretrial memorandum for the court which was VERY fact specfic. I did get over 28 hours of billeable time out of it tho so all is not lost!
Mm
Any favorite online sources for plantation shutters? What do you think would be a reasonable mid-range amount to spend for two standard windows? (Also, can they please rename these?)
Anonymous
It depends if you’re going for plastic, composite or wood and whether or not you need installation. Additionally you really need to list approximate sizes I have an old house so even my ‘small’ windows are 4 feet tall. There’s just so much variability.
anne-on
We just did ours with a local company that has their own factory source in NC. They’re all wood, we could customize the size of the slats, metal, etc. Ours were pretty standard white hardwood (not dark mahogany or anything uber fancy) and with tax and installation they were about $530~ per window – paying cash brought the total down a bit. Inside mount is tricky, so installation by pros was a non-negotiable for me. Going rate for custom, real wood, without installation was anywhere from $500 to $900 (Shade Store is CRAZY $$$) so I was thrilled to find these folks. I would absolutely start by googling for local window treatment places!
Savannah
If at all possible I would try to find a local dealer. Measuring and installing can be tricky because it has to be super precise. We did a bunch in our house and it was much less than I expected. Maybe around $500 for what you’re describing?
Also, I’m hearing them referred to now as “interior shutters.”
LadyB
I actually just ordered some today from a local company. My bigger windows that required two panels were $430 each and smaller windows were $325 each. They area all wood, hidden control rod and inside mount. We also got a quote from the company associated with HD- first, they told us we couldn’t do 4.5″, they were hybrid (part wood, part poly), large exposed rod (would have been a $1000 upgrade to make hidden) and told us they couldn’t be inside mounted. The larger windows were $612 each and smaller single panel windows were $465 each. Definitely talk to a local company!
MK
Hive – talk to me about Blundstones. I’m on the verge of getting a pair. Do you have a pair and love them? Not worth the hype? How do you style them to wear “in town”? Are they actually that good for hiking?
Anonymous
Fine for light hiking. Get Merrells or similar for real hiking. I wear mine with everything – black leggings, jeans, to/from yoga class in active wear. Sometimes around the office with a sweater dress on casual Fridays.
They are super popular in my east coast Canadian city because they are incredibly practical for cool damp weather which is pretty much our spring and fall – so easily 5-6 months of the year they are daily outdoor shoes for kids and adults alike. They aren’t great for real snow.
MK
Very helpful, thanks. I’m looking for winter shoes to wear on long walks in my mid-atlantic city this winter. Definitely using my hiking boots for hiking in actual mountains, but from what everyone is saying it seems like Blundstones will hold up fine for a few miles on on a dirt walking path.
givemyregards
I think this depends a lot on your individual foot shape – I know so many people love them, but I’ve tried on several pairs and they just do not work for me (neither do Danskos, unfortunately). For styling in town, I think it’s sort of like any other “ugly” shoe like danskos or crocs or whatever, you just wear them with everything since they don’t really match anything. Usually I see women wearing them with hiking socks peaking out over the top with cuffed jeans or leggings tucked into them. I wouldn’t do any particularly serious hiking in them, but consider them more “trail walking” or gardening (the more boring kind, not the euphemistic version, haha).
givemyregards
Meant to add that I would just order a couple pairs from somewhere that does free shipping and returns, like zappos, and see what you think.
Anon
My Australian boyfriend wears them for everything, including actual hiking!
Aanon
They are hands down my most comfortable footwear. I wear them around my cold weather city that gets “real” winters for shorter (less than 1 hour walks) unless it’s actively pouring snow.
Seafinch
Same. Ottawa, Canada and I wear them all winter with jeans, leggings, dresses etc. I live in them. And only maybe a half dozen times a year will pull out my Bean boots and maybe twice my Sorels.
Anon
My college aged daughter has blundies. She has had them for at least 5 years, basically since her feet stopped growing. She wears them with skirts/dresses and tights as just a cute “fit”, or with leggings or jeans when it’s raining. They seem to last forever.
I wouldn’t call them hiking boots exactly. She’s worn them for casual COVID-safe hikes with friends, but they’re not what you want for mountainous trail/backpacking kind of situations.
anon
Guys, I am a ball of stress. I can’t seem to unwind, despite exercising often, taking breaks, and generally trying to take care of myself. Caffeine intake isn’t outlandish. I can’t really pinpoint the source of stress; I suppose it’s a combination of everything (isolation, working from home, worries about COVID, the holidays, you name it). But it’s exhausting and getting really, really old. On top of that, I lost a parent-in-law to COVID a few weeks ago, and I just have no patience for the people who want to keep living normally.
What to try next? Is it time for therapy?
Anonymous
You: Idk why I’m stressed
Also you: my parent-in-law died weeks ago, there’s a pandemic, I’m isolated.
Honey, your stress is no mystery! You are grieving and overwhelmed. Absolutely yes why not try therapy? But also be patient with yourself and give yourself time to grieve and heal.
anon
Fair point. :) I was anxious and stressed before my in-law died, which is probably why I downplayed it. It’s hard to find the time and space to even process everything that’s happened, and we all know that the pandemic is not going to end anytime soon.
Vicky Austin
+1. Hang in there OP, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
anne-on
I had this same conversation in my head last week and then I tried the therapy trick often suggested here – what would you say if someone said this to you? It is a pandemic, you lost a close family member, and I bet there are other stresses you didn’t even ‘count’ (are you dealing with your own health issues or a spouses? are you homeschooling children or worried about older children? are you worried about finances or your job security, etc. etc. etc.). It gave me a bit of peace to realize I needed to cut myself a break and prioritize my own mental healthy – talk to a therapist, make time to work out/mediate/etc.
I am sorry – this is a hugely stressful time and you have every reason to be grieving and having a hard time with things.
Anon
therapy might help you process some of your feelings of grief surrounding the death, etc. you have A LOT going on. i think i would be a ball of stress too! I also have no patience for people who want to keep living normally. last week on the mom’s page, someone posted about their colleague who lost their preschool aged child to covid. if everyone made decisions about what risks they consider worth taking during covid with that in mind – that you could be part of a chain of infections leading to the death of a child (or spouse or parent, etc.) – but people are just too selfish and don’t care. they’ve decided that even if gathering indoors or eating a restaurant ultimately leads to another person’s death, they are ok with that
Anonymous
Is the pandemic the source of stress? Because many people find it stressful AF even with an end in sight.
Depending on the restrictions in your area you could try massage therapy. Massage therapy has been helpful for me when I’m tense in response to general things that I don’t have control over.
Mediation or yoga might also help.
A not loud
I’m sorry for your loss. I think therapy for a couple of weeks might help process things. There’s a lot going on right now and a therapist might be able to help make sense of your feelings.
Anon
I am in therapy, and it does help the stress. However, it became unmanageable recently due to some recent things in my life and I got a xanax prescription. I took it for the first time yesterday and felt the most relief I have had in months and was finally able to sleep last night. I would do therapy, but I wouldn’t rule that out if therapy alone doesn’t work.
anon for this
+1 to pharmaceutical assistance. Doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t want it to be, but a little xanax or similar to take the edge off enough so that you’re not as aware of the stress makes a huge difference. My BFF calls it a bottle of wine in a tiny little pill (though I can take it and still function at work, which I cannot after a bottle of wine).
Anon
+1 I use GABA lozenges. But definitely Xanax over wine. Actually sleeping makes everything better.
Anonymous
Have you dealt with a death previously? If not, I have found it takes 90 days to process just the initial shock and that during that time I am a swirling ball of emotions, including anger. Give yourself permission to experience those emotions and if you find them overwhelming you might contact a grief counselor.
Ugh
Ugh — some members of our school board are pushing hard to go full-remote for the rest of the year (we’re remote now 6-12; limited in-person for some severely disabled students (e.g., blind or severely visually-impaired, etc.) and about 2/3 of elementary kids who opted for in-person teaching went back 2 days/week starting mid-November).
I guess I can quit this website now as “work clothes” will lose any remaining meaning it has.
Anonymous
Show up and push back!
Anonymous
Or read the post and replies right above this one and buck up. If rage quitting a fashion blog makes you feel better by all means do that.
Anonymous
HA! There is nothing to show up for. In my city, it’s all via zoom.
Brunette Elle Woods
I’m assuming you’re upset because you have kids at home and will have to assist them in home schooling. I don’t have kids but I don’t see the problem. Other people’s lives and possibly your life in exchange for a difficult year? Doesn’t seem like that much of a sacrifice. Stay home and stay safe. If your employer is not understanding than that’s another issue.
Anon
Oh come on. I’m with you on being child free, but obviously you can see the impact this has on the kids themselves, no?? Yes, it is worth it for the greater good, but don’t downplay how hard it is for children or their parents.
anon
It is not worth it for the greater good! There is no proof that it is spread in schools! Meanwhile, kids are being abuse and it is going unreported, kids are missing meals, kids with disabilities are missing out on special care, kids whose parents work out of the home don’t have anyone managing their schooling, etc. I am in a large city with high numbers and there has not been a single outbreak in a school.
Anonymous
Schools where I live are open and there have been a whole lot of cases linked to schools. Sure no children have died, but the kids have brought Covid back to their homes and infected their parents and grandparents, who face much more serious consequences.
Anon
You’re right, good point. We have decided that the objectively more dangerous bars and restaurants are more important than the relatively safe schools in this country.
Anonymous
There are articles about parents hiding their children’s illnesses and exposures because they want school to continue. So you can’t say this with any certainty.
Anon
I live in a major (way underfunded) city and City employees are moving heaven and earth to provide for the children. Meal distribution was never disrupted for children and a team is breaking their back to make sure the students do not miss meals. Rec centers are being re-purposed for children who need supervision and/or internet access to do remote school. Laptops were provided to every child. It’s obviously not ideal, but even in a very poor urban district they’ve managed to make things passable for the children.
On the other hand, my boss *ss b*tch mother is a teacher elsewhere and is practically in tears every day because she still has to go to school and it does not feel safe. She works at a very fancy private school with every possible resource at its discretion and there are a lot of COVID mitigation measures in place. Even so, she and her colleagues do not feel safe and are very stressed out about it.
Anon
Historically, we have asked people to quarantine who are infected or known to be directly exposed to someone infected. We have had very, very short lockdowns (48 hours or thereabouts). We have never, ever treated the entire population as potential carriers of a virus. Moreover, this virus is not unprecedented in its lethality; other viruses have killed higher percentages of people infected or the population as a whole.
Pandemics happen. We have modern medicine to treat the sick and vaccine development to curb the spread; however, it is a natural occurrence. It’s an act of God. These things happen and we do not hold each other responsible for anything more than “don’t lick elderly people when you know you’re infected.”
Anon
https://www.princeton.edu/news/2020/09/30/largest-covid-19-contact-tracing-study-date-finds-children-key-spread-evidence
Anon
Some of these responses turn my stomach, physically. I’m in the Bay Area. We just entered a new round of stay at home today. It’s because ICUs are full or nearing full. If we let the spread continue as it has, our ICUs will be completely out of capacity, at which point doctors will have to start choosing which COVID patients to treat and which to let die. I’m sure that sounds fine to you when it’s theoretical, but it won’t be when it’s you or someone you love.
A vaccine is on the horizon for us. A few more months and we’ll be there. Until then, be patient, adapt to staying at home, and try to remember this is for the greater good.
anonn
Schools in my mid-sized city just went back to full remote because of staffing issues. Not enough subs and too many teachers are out on quarantine. Maybe they’re getting it from the kids, maybe not?
anon
Also, you “don’t see the problem” because you haven’t been there. You have no idea whether it is “much of a sacrifice.” It is. And your employer may “not be understanding” because it is impossible to get any work done with the constant interruptions.
Anon
I feel like it’s hard to understand just how essential childcare and school are unless you have kids and have attempted to make this work. I really didn’t get it myself until quarantine.
Calling it a difficult year is like a light year away from what it actually is like if you have small children. It’s so blazingly obvious that you do not have kids from that statement, and I’m not saying that as an insult toward you, it is just so much harder than it looks from the outside.
Anonymous
This isn’t directed at you, but it would be so great if this experience opened up people’s eyes to all kinds of difficult lives that existed before the pandemic, and will exist after the pandemic is over. Disabled people! Caregivers who must give up their salaries to care for family members! etc.
Anon
+1
Brunette Elle Woods
I understand that it’s difficult to have kids. I never said it wasn’t. I’m saying I’m not willing to risk my sister who is a school teacher for you to not have to watch your kids. Say whatever you want about how difficult it is. I get that. Still, not worth my sister’s life. And yes, before anyone asks she is high risk and on immunosuppressants for medical conditions. My sister’s life is way more important to me than you dealing with your children at home.
Anon
+1
School is important and when we can reopen safely, it should be one of the first things to reopen. I think schools that were open in early fall were fine. However, community transmission is too high to have schools (or really anything that isn’t life-sustaining) open. Having schools open puts the adults that work there, like my mom (at an elevated risk) and Brunette Elle Woods’ sister, at risk.
I’m a frontline worker. I knew when I took my job that there was an element of risk – that comes part and parcel with my industry. That does not come part and parcel with being a teacher and it is unfair to assume that teachers / school staff should be willing to assume that risk.
anon
You do realize that “you dealing with your children at home” means job loss for a lot of women, right? I’m not saying that your concern for your sister is invalid – my mother is a public school teacher. But I’ve also already had one employee on my team have to quit her job because she had no childcare for her 6 year old after public schools closed and she had exhausted all of her vacation time and all of my company’s additional COVID family leave. And the thousands of women who don’t have WFH jobs and are now supposed to remote school their small children? They’re faced with having to make choices like leaving their young children home alone so that they can work, because if they don’t work, they can’t buy food or pay rent. You can express your (again, extremely valid) concern for your family member’s health without dismissing parents who are upset about school closures as people who just don’t want to “have to watch their kids.”
Anon
While I wish that companies were way more child/COVID friendly (and I’m glad to work in a place that is) – I don’t think its quite fair to place that burden on the teachers. Yes – it sucks for working parents to have to parent during the day and work, but it sucks more to contract COVID from your workplace (especially when your workplace CAN be remote)
Brunette Elle Woods
I don’t mean to dismiss their frustrations. I said I get it. I’m not denying that it’s difficult. But opening schools so parents can work and risk teachers and their families is not a valid option. I have always thought we should shut down non essential businesses and provide gov assistance so they don’t lose their businesses, homes, etc. I think it’s terrible that parents have to deal with this but what’s the alternative that will keep teachers safe? Also, I know a lot of women are leaving the work force. Honestly, where the hell are the men? Why aren’t they stepping up to help their wives, partners, mothers of their children, etc. If they are truly a single parent and an out of the picture father, then they should get gov assistance. Idk if there is really a better solution. I’d rather women get pushed back in terms of career than die.
anon
Brunette Elle Woods, who do you think is watching thousands of children under the guise of “keeping teachers safe”? Non-union childcare workers. In my kids’ elementary school, they are actually holding “distance learning” in the school building and monitored by childcare workers, so the kids can sit in front of computers in one room while the teachers teach from down the hall (yes, many of the teachers go in to their classrooms to teach remote school). There are many many families that cannot have a parent physically or logistically monitor home learning of their kids, and that has been the case all along. And don’t get me wrong, I am very pro-safety and pro-science, but I am not aware of data evidencing statistically significant spread from children to adults in these settings, where appropriate precautions are being taken.
Not everyone is the same
It’s not because “dealing with your children at home” is hard. It’s because the data very clearly indicate children are suffering, and the most vulnerable are suffering the most. Test scores out show clearly the higher rates of failure among Black and Hispanic children, and those in the lower economic quintile. Children with learning disabilities regressing by months or years. In addition to the challenges of feeding kids whose meals are often at school or live in abusive homes. Rates of depression and suicide among teens…For teachers with medical conditions or specific vulnerabilities, there should be virtual teaching opportunities and they should be among the first to get the vaccine. But, most teachers are not in your sister’s same situation. Similarly, some kids won’t be able to be in the first wave back. So let your sister and those like her teach the kids virtually who likewise can’t go back. For others, there should be more options.
Anon
I have always been uncomfortable with the idea that school is safer than being with one’s own family. I definitely did not experience school as safe when I was a disabled child, and school is known to drive suicide rates too. More kids may be better off at home than you think. I hope we can find better solutions for struggling families. Right now, we can’t look at the effect of schools being closed without also looking at the economic devastation that people are going through without meaningful support.
Anon
The people who want us to follow the science are not doing just that. Kids need to be in school. Even St. Anthony Fauci says so.
Anonymous
Don’t lump everyone together. I want pretty much everything except schools to be shut down as long as teachers are provided with PPE. Kids may spread the virus less than adults, but the other adults in the building are often living their best lives in their free time. Teachers shouldn’t have to be there without proper masks provided and paid for by the school.
Anon
I understand that transmission between children is low, and that the virus is often less severe for children. However, that’s not true for teachers and staff. I come from a family of teachers and they’re very worried and I’m very worried for them. I get that the focus is on the kids, but people need to be considering the teachers’ safety as well.
Teachers don’t go into teaching thinking it’ll be a dangerous profession, and yet we’re putting them on the front lines of this pandemic (and we’re also asking more of them when it comes to security at schools (re: school shootings). Almost every teacher I know is either older or has babies/young children. We’re asking a ton of our teachers these days.
Anonymous
Agreed 100%. Teachers are being asked to fulfill every role there is – educator, parent, social worker, administrator, all on low salaries. We need to acknowledge that going back to in-person teaching is asking a LOT of them and we need to give them the tools to succeed and stay safe.
Anon
+1 if I were still a teacher and had the financial ability to do so, I would quit my job on the spot unless they allowed me to do remote teaching.
Anon
+100. My sister and I (mgmt consultants) spent our own money to outfit our mom’s classroom because the school provided absolutely nothing. No PPE, no supplies, no guidance, nothing.
Anon
And very few teachers can afford that ! My teacher mom and mailman dad are very, very worried about contracting covid through work. Neither can afford to stop working. Neither job lends itself to pivoting to something else, so they’re stuck
Brunette Elle Woods
This is exactly my point. Teachers have a very difficult jobs as it is and it’s hard to control 20-30 kids. Germs are going to spread. I know we can decrease class sizes but that is because of hybrid learning or some students being fully remote. It doesn’t solve the problem of parents having kids at home. I agree with closing everything except schools and opening if teachers are fully protected, but clearly that’s not happening.
Anonymous
Fauci said kids should be in school *where community transmission rates are low*. They aren’t low enough in most parts of the US right now. That’s a very important detail many “please think of the kids” people keep forgetting to mention.
Anonymous
+1000. Schools should 100% be the top priority to reopen but only when it’s safer to do so.
anon
But what’s low enough? Part of what is so frustrating as a parent, is that there appears to be no standard for what will be “safe enough.” Our district had set a threshold (I think fewer than 100 cases/100,000), but then when we hit that, we still didn’t go back. We all want everyone to be safe, but it frustrating when the goal posts are moving or nonexistent. There is no guarantee that this is just going to be one “hard year” for working parents.
Seventh. Sister
I’m with you as well – our school district seems to be taking the position that they won’t go in-person until a vaccine, except for some small kids, special needs students, and of course the almighty FOOTBALL. I’m fine with the first two, but in an incandescent rage over privileging varsity sports over kids in grades 2-10 ever even meeting their teachers in person.
Seventh. Sister
Agree. Super agree. My county is doing everything bass-ackwards, and while I’m a rule-follower at my core, the hypocrisy of the leadership class and the openings/closures to pander to special interests is infuriating.
Anonymous
It’s so hard. Our schools (k-12) have been hybrid since September, after spending actual millions on PPE, cleaners, hvac upgrades, etc. the high school moved to remote as a precaution after thanksgiving and when kids return they will be tested (parent/taxpayer paid) weekly (optional but they have an 80% participation rate among in person kids).
In my daughter’s elem school, we’ve had cases but not only no spread in school but often no close contacts needing to quarantine either. The kids are masked and 6’ apart all day long, including on the bus.
Interestingly, it’s most often teachers that have had cases. Most recently, the 3rd grade teacher had to quarantine because her toddler was exposed to a positive case at daycare (which was the teacher) and because they couldn’t isolate the toddler the mom quarantined too.
Cb
Fingers crossed for us, we are supposed to be moving today. However, someone screwed up along the way and the moving van has been sitting in front of our new house for nearly two hours. The packing service was great (if surly), just hoping we won’t be paying for them to come back tomorrow.
Amber
Good luck today!!
Senior Attorney
Oh, man! I hope it gets straightened out quickly and easily!
Vinyl replacement windows
We have an old house. Due to most windows being painted shut with lead-based paint (and some crappy Anderson 1980s windows just outright breaking at the sashes), we replace all windows and trim with vinyl replacement windows. And I just read something that these are now seen as not very long-lasting (vs wood) and we’ll need to replace again in the future. True? Not so much? Replace = in 20-30 years? Or like 10-15 years (will become stabby)?
Anon
Yep, vinyl windows are, well, not awesome and will need to be replaced in the future. How soon depends on what you purchased. Your original wood windows were infinitely repairable and better for the environment and can be helped to be better at retaining heat.
Anonymous
Vinyl is for lack of a kinder word cr*p. Not only do they look horrendous because of the flashing used to cover up the fact that replacements don’t properly fit in the holes, they are designed to break so you are constantly having to replace your windows. The most environmentally friendly options are wood, steel and aluminium, picking which is dependent on the age of your home and location. Personally for my Victorian I am restoring the original lead glass double hung windows and installing spring bronze with the storm windows. However for the basement the wood is too far gone and I have snow/critter concerns and thus will be ordering custom steel casement windows which will last forever just like their restore wood counterparts.
anon
My impression is that it depends a lot on your windows and on the climate, but I think it’s usually more like 20-30 years. Also, many wood windows don’t last long without frequent maintenance (every 3-5 years), though that depends a lot on the type of wood, how it’s sealed, and your climate.
Anon
I’ve recently connected with someone online and am trying to figure out how to safely explore this potential relationship. We did a video date, a masked outdoor walk together, and are planning another masked outdoor walk together. How would you figure out what a reasonable/safe next step is? I’m in my mid-30s and am eager to find my partner, think about kids, etc. so the idea of not even trying to date for another six months is really hard for me to think about.
Anonymous
Honestly I’d just take the masks off and make out. Sure have a convo about who else each of you are seeing, but at some point if you want to date, you’re taking on some risk. Which I think is fine.
Lilliet
taking off masks is the new foreplay…
anon
I would use the next outdoor date to talk about how cautious/safe he’s being. If his answers align with yours, I’d be comfortable moving the next date indoors. You could also consider getting tested.
Ribena
There have been a few conversations on here about having a ‘physical safety’ talk aside from the ‘relationship’ talk – if, for example, you both live alone and WFH, the risk of combining your bubbles is much lower than if one of you lives with other people and the other works in a hospital. There was an episode of Social Distance podcast from the Atlantic about this relatively early on which I re-listened to recently and it holds up.
Anonymous
I’d keep going on walking dates. It’s a great way to hang out & get to know someone. My husband & I still do it often (even pre-pandemic).
Anon
This is adorable but really not the same as trying to progress a new relationship to the next level.
Anonymous
Sometimes spending more time at an early dating level can work out. A few months of this as casual dating doesn’t seem like a big problem. Especially looking for a long-term partner you want to spend time with through thick and thin (even when conditions are less than ideal). It’s not ideal but better than postponing dating at all.
Anonymous
Really? You don’t think dating as an adult for a few months without any physical contact or indoor time is a big deal? How Amish are you?
Anon
(Different Anon than 11:25 here) I’m sorry, there’s no way that a few MONTHS of masked walks is a good way to start a relationship. You’re seriously coming across as a smug married here.
Anonymous
Whatever, my relationship began by months of text and email & I could not be any more happily married … or smugger as you like to call it.
Ribena
I co-sign the Anon at 12.23. Walking outdoor dates as AN element of a wider relationship, sure. Not an entire relationship though.
Anonymous
If OP wants to get married maybe she should listen successfully married people vs listening to other singles who are failing to land a man. What’s the opposite of “smug married” — lonely hearts?
anon
Yikes @ married Anonymous… you sound like a peach. You’re also wrong about the rest of us being single. It’s cool if you want to start your relationship as pen pals and see where it goes from there, but others may like to confirm that we’re s3xually compatible or make sure we can live together harmoniously before agreeing to marry someone. My love languages are physical touch and quality time so periodic walks or email exchanges aren’t gonna cut it.
Anonymous
Considering the big fall-off in sex between married people, actually going for walks is probably a pretty good way to find out if your relationship can go the distance (and I mean for 50 years, not the <20 years most married people here are probably at.
Anonymous
My point was really to offer hope that things can progress under conditions that are not ideal. The other option people suggest is declaring exclusively and forging ahead with a physical relationship … that could work but you also don’t have to do that after meeting for a walk twice. The in-between stage is missing but you can extend the before stage just as easily as rushing into the next stage … it’s kind of better during a pandemic. The right person isn’t going to get away if you go on 5 walks instead of 2 walks. But you might rush into something you don’t want or get sick.
Anon
I just caught up to this thread, but it’s true that I’ve been happily married for fifteen years to someone I got to know during months of contact-free walking dates and long distance correspondence. So I wouldn’t rule it out.
But I would also join pods with someone as soon as it was clear that I wanted to be with them.
Anon
At the beginning of the date, I would talk about whether you both feel comfortable taking off the masks and if so, I would go for it! I think it would be ok to go inside etc.
Anonymous
IDK, how about an outdoor bench or patio/yard date if possible before heading indoors?
Anonymous
Why? If they are going to let each other in, what difference is one more outside date?
Anonymous
You might find out he kicks dogs on that date … one never knows. Plus delaying a COVID infection until after the very highest peak of the pandemic begins to lower … eh, why not? It’s a few weeks.
CountC
+1 I met someone recently that I have really connected with and we discussed our individual risk tolerance and who we were seeing, etc. He travels for work (masked and mostly outside) and brought it up unsolicited to see if it bothered me. We ended up being on the same page and hang out mask free now and definitely have been making out (which is brightening a pretty awful year). It’s a risk I was willing to take if I met someone I really connected with.
Brunette Elle Woods
I would first make sure you’re on the same page about the potential of the relationship, precautions with covid and both willing to take a test. If you both feel the same about the relationship potential and you trust him, be super careful for 6 days, get a PCR test, and wait for results. Once you have the results, just go to each other’s apartment for a night of cooking or takeout and gardening. Be cautious but don’t waste time. Also, just another perspective, I’m taking this time to look into egg freezing bc dating right now is horrible.
Anon
I’m actually enjoying the lack of pressure to get physical right now. There’s a New Yorker article about how dating during Covid feels like you are back in a Victorian novel.
Duckles
Have a conversation about what exposure he has first and decide if you’re comfortable. Covid makes the attraction bar way higher for me; In the late spring I went on a couple dates with a nice guy I had things in common with but I wasn’t sure how attracted to him I was, and whereas before I probably would have at least kissed him and giving him a chance the fact that he had a roommate and I wasn’t that into him meant I ended it. By contrast, I went on a first hiking date with a guy who I was crazy attracted to, our second date was an outdoor restaurant, and third date was indoors and I was willing to take that risk Because of the because we had The Talk and he was doing few risky activities and I was definitely into him.
Cute beanine?
This for a gift, so can be a spendy version. The request is for a beanie (pref. fleece-lined) with a pom-pom that is pretty (and not adorned with a huge logo of anything). For a teen girl (so adult-sized head).
My beanies are just utilitarian and/or have logos on them and are definitely not cute. I’m never going to have an Insta-worthy beanie (but think that that is what the request is for).
Anon
Not fleece lined, but Anthro has cute mix-and-match beanies where you pick the hat and pom pol colors.
Anonymous
Athleta, J Crew, Ugg, Love Your Melon
anon a mouse
REI has some good options – Dakine Tiffany beanie, North Face Minna Beanie, Pistil Visby hat. (You are making me want a beanie with a pom-pom!)
Anon
Patagonia has some that are fleece lined and cute! Mine has a small patagonia logo that I usually wear on the back, when I remember about it. It’s super warm!
Anon
Mine is the “snowbelle beanie”.
Anonymous
Barts
Anonymous
Depending on what you mean by spendy, Lululemon has one of these. I almost wish I had never tried it on because it is so nice I can’t get it out of my head. But it also costs $62. It’s the sherpa weave pom beanie. Lower price, I have and love the Mia Beanie by Dakine.
anon
I bought the lulu one even though it was insanely priced. I love it so much I’ve bought two as gifts.
Fullyfunctional
Mark and Graham, you can get them monogrammed!
Anon
where to buy/how to tell if cookie cutters are good? growing up i remember my mom had some that worked better than others. i’m looking for hanukkah ones a bit last minute, but more generally – where is a good place to get ones that work well
The Lone Ranger
Anne Clark, I have a lot of them, and they cut cleanly and are very sturdy. Many shapes are available on Amazon, and Williams Sonoma carries them.
Anonymous
I think metal ones work better than plastic, but beyond that, I’m not sure it matters.
anon
I have amassed quite a collection of cookie cutters. In general, anything that’s metal works exactly how it should. The plastic ones are very hit or miss, and I do not prefer those at all. My metal ones are anything from Wilton, Ann Clark, as well as random ones I’ve picked up at Target.
Anonymous
Concur on the others re: metal and no opinion beyond that. (Though I will say I have some vintage plastic ones that are ~30 years old that are good – but new plastic ones are crappy.) You mentioned being in a hurry, but for another time, there are always plenty of vintage cookie cutters at antique malls and such for just a few cents each.
Senior Attorney
Same. And the VERY WORST are the plastic ones with a lot of detail. Metal ones with simple shapes are the best.
Anon
+1 to metal ones (with an open top – I have a lot of old ones with an enclosed top) and (like many things in my opinion), the older is probably better. My mom’s are all at least 35 years old and they’re great.
Thanks, it has pockets!
I got a whole bunch of metal ones from Michael’s when they were on sale, I used them last night and they worked great! The trick when cutting cookies is to use a few tablespoons of extra flour (in addition to all the flour you’ll use for rolling, of course!), and once you’ve cut the cookies, you’ll want to chill them in the fridge for maybe 10ish minutes before baking them, that’ll ensure they keep their shape.
Anon
I have some intricate snowflake metal cutters that were very high end and are absolutely impossible to use because some of the crevices (like the tips of snowflakes) are way too small and just trap dough. So you get a cutout of a 5 pointed snowflake missing one point entirely.
You’re looking for metal cookie cutters in broad shapes. Metal are absolutely better than plastic. Some cheap metal cookie cutters bend too easily, so if you’re shopping online just read the reviews to make sure that’s not the case.
Horse Crazy
What’s on your wish list this year? I really have no idea what to ask people for…normally my SO and I do experience gifts for each other (sports/comedy show tickets, etc.), but that’s obviously not happening right now, and I’d prefer to not do IOU gifts. My mother-in-law is very sweet, but she normally buys us a bunch of little cheap things that we don’t really need. I just don’t want a bunch of stuff, and I feel like experience gifts are out the window. Help?
Anon
It’s funny, I’ve got ideas for other people this year but am feeling very grinchy for myself. I don’t need much and it feels very hollow to get those little cheap things. Like, yes a bath bomb and a mug are generic woman gifts but that doesn’t mean I want them. (I have always hated cheap gifts – I remember in 7th grade being so mad that my boyfriend could get me a teddy bear and flowers for V-day with zero thought but I had to think hard to find a gift similar in tone for a boy.)
PNW
AirBnB has a bunch of virtual/Zoom experiences you can book. I’m doing a virtual hike of Mt. Fuji next week with my youngest as a birthday present for them. It’s mostly professional guides who can’t do anything in person right now, so they have adapted whatever their usual tours are for a virtual setting. I’m going in with a low bar and hoping it will be a fun and memorable experience, even if it is just a “wow, remember 2020 when we had to do a lame virtual hike?” kind of thing.
Anon
Please report back on your experience. I will be looking for your review.
Anonymous
Can you do replacements/upgrades of things? Like new cookie sheets or mixing bowls, from all the pandemic baking. Or board games/puzzles?
Senior Attorney
That’s what I’m asking for: upgraded cookware.
Anonymous
Gift cards from Worthy Local Business? You never have to use them, but a cash infusion would no doubt be welcome. Like we have a jazz club that I adore but has been almost crushed by this (I worry — they still may get crushed). Gift cards and braded swag from businesses you want to go to in 2021/2022 (incl. local minor-league sports teams — those are hurting, too). Finally: ask her to donate to a food bank as so many people have lost jobs or hours.
Cat
Nice loungewear and PJs
Consumables
Subscriptions (Netflix, Disney+, magazines/papers, NYT games, etc)
Upgrades to stuff for our house (nice doormat, better tools for our container garden)
anon
I’m asking for cookbooks and other books, plus consumables: calendar, coffee, chocolate.
Anonymous
Books, warm socks, new throw pillows for the couch, a new saucepan, new shower curtain. I’ve spent a lot of time at home id like a refresh.
LaurenB
Maybe this is the year to forego gifts (esp the candle-and-soap type if they don’t speak to you) and adopt a needy child or family.
Anon
I asked for an art print I’ve been admiring for a while, an Awe Inspired goddess necklace of Medusa (even though I love this whole collection and would take pretty much any of them), and the Coyuchi Turkish towels that were recommended here.
Curious
My wish list is almost entirely cribbed from Wardrobe Oxygen’s post last Thursday about Alison’s beauty routine — and most of it is sub $20. Hope it helps!
No Problem
New knives. Produce saver containers. Cookbooks. Other books. Face masks (the skincare kind). Puzzles or games. Stemless wine glasses. Subscriptions (WaPo, NYTimes, New Yorker, Hulu, Disney+, etc.). Light therapy lamp. Lotto tickets. A hair wrap towel. New towels in general. Flannel sheets. Picnic/beach chairs (the low to the ground ones you could use at an outdoor concert). Stainless steel or silicone straws. A big fuzzy throw blanket.
Panda Bear
I also generally dislike getting more stuff, but I don’t mind getting more books, or upgrades to stuff that I would really like to use (e.g. nice cookware/cooking gadgets). Or maybe a donation to a (horse rescue?) charity that you care about.
PNW
AirBnB has a bunch of virtual/Zoom experiences you can book. I’m doing a virtual hike of Mt. Fuji next week with my youngest as a birthday present for them. It’s mostly professional guides who can’t do anything in person right now, so they have adapted whatever their usual tours are for a virtual setting. I’m going in with a low bar and hoping it will be a fun and memorable experience, even if it is just a “wow, remember 2020 when we had to do a lame virtual hike?” kind of thing.
NY CPA
Things on my list this year:
– Le Creuset dutch oven
– Fleece lined pants, fingerless gloves for winter outdoor dining
– New suitcases for future travel since they’re on clearance right now
– Earrings to replace ones I love that broke
– Silk pillowcase for my curly hair
– LLBean Pima cotton tee-shirts–really nice but I can’t bring myself to spend that much on a plain tee
– Stocking stuffers: slipper socks, candles, cookie scoops and mini tart rings for baking, cooling gel eye mask, tortoiseshell mask/sunglasses chain
Anon
Since I don’t need more stuff, my mother doesn’t do gift cards (“because it’s just exchanging money”), and experiences aren’t a thing this year, I’m telling my mother to do a stocking as normal (because I love stockings; but which, for my mother, includes things most people would consider separate presents, like a nice ornament or a small piece of jewelry) and then instead of getting me a present, just go shop for a couple of Salvation Army angel tree (or equivalent) kids instead.
Anon
I’m struggling, too. Everything I like is specific and “very online” and my parents want simple, brick-and-mortar things to buy. I’ve decided to stick to “needs” instead of “wants” for a list: a new kitchen timer to replace one that has an exploded battery, a few plain sweatshirts since mine are ragged, etc.
anonymous
Just be honest and tell people you don’t want anything. Or maybe gift cards to restaurants where you can get carry out. I sort of hate that the holiday season is about buying more stuff just for the sake of it. I much prefer consumable or experience gifts.
Sloan Sabbith
Books. Puzzles. Cozy clothing that’s close enough to be work appropriate (solid sweatshirts, etc).
I got a book subscription to Page One Books for my birthday I’m excited about!
Anon
I asked for an air fryer (I’m not much of a cook, but I’m so excited), a pair of joggers for wfh, nice wool socks, books, and equipment for my hobby/home workout, and a magazine subscription
Other potential asks: candles (I pretty much burn them all day now that I’m home), nicer tea/coffee/hot chocolate, a throw blanket for your wfh set up, skincare items, nicer food items (like good olive oil, spices, vinegars), other subscriptions (steaming service, spotify, book of the month, birch box), slippers, a plant, etc.
anon
My wish list is mostly upgrades of things for my hobbies (camera strap, rain shell, snow pants, filters), a couple of travel-related things for when travel is safe again (luggage tags, packing cubes), and a few giftable clothing items that I will probably just buy for myself if I don’t get them as gifts (cashmere scarf, pendant necklace, merino socks, fisherman sweater).
Thanks, it has pockets!
Could you look into whether local comedy clubs are doing virtual shows? What about virtual theater, could that be happening in your area? Virtual wine tastings or cooking classes?
Anon
I put all of my skincare on my wishlist because it’s consumable and I will use it. I did have to make my list on amazon (posted on here before – family requirement) so I went for nicer drugstore brands like La Roche Posay.
I’ve received some already – accidentally opened it thinking it was something else – and it’s sealed and appears to be the real deal. There’s a La Roche Posay shop on Amazon and it’s shipped by Amazon which made me feel better about it.
I also asked for a new fleece throw and little stuff like a makeup eraser towel. Some knitting yarn. A cookbook. Things like that. I’d rather be clear about what I would actually use than roll the dice and get some candles I don’t like the scent of or whatever.
Anonymous
This might be a long shot, but any Bay Area readers have recommendations for car camping sites that would be good during the late winter and spring? I typically do most of my camping/backpacking in the mountains over the summer, but I had to miss a lot this past year with the pandemic and wildfires. I’d love to try camping along the coast this winter. My top priority is remote (the remoter the better – I don’t want to see other campers if possible!!) and views would be great too. It will just be my husband and me so we don’t need any particularly large sites and we’ll be in our tent, not an RV. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.
Also, this won’t happen until COVID is back under control – we’re completely staying home for now. I’m just planning ahead in case I need to get permits.
Anon
I don’t have recs but I was just browsing a catalogue I got in the mail (Lakeside Collection) and they have an inflatable mattress for your back seat. It turns the backseat area in a bed for two. Might be more comfortable than a tent if you have your car with you.
Horse Crazy
Butano State Park in Pescadero is a lovely mix of redwood forest and coast. It’s currently closed from the CZU fire, but I believe it will be open next spring.
Anon
has anyone read this article. i was perhaps feeling falsely safe from mask wearing: https://www.fastcompany.com/90580290/one-person-in-the-room-with-you-has-covid-19-heres-how-long-it-takes-to-get-infected?fbclid=IwAR03uADY7EJjZKe76kt0vclmpHtIPGlt-O9YqmccZp9u9QtVbmx-RoPfWx0
Anonymous
WOW — it totally makes the case for surgical masks vs mere cloth ones. I am officially switching over today.
Anonymous
We’ve been wearing cotton masks for outdoor walls only (we put them on to walk over one narrow overpass and if we see anyone close by later). We’re using KN95s or vented N95s with cloth on top for grocery or medical now.
Anonymous
We have tons of cotton masks but fewer (50?) disposable ones. I am thinking maybe layer cotton under surgical to prolong the use of the surgical ones.
LaurenB
Good article but their example was ridiculous – where are there 1000 people in a Walmart? Our stores all have limits on number of people at any one time and in big stores there’s a counter who lets you in.
Anonymous
That’s hardly their own example. Also it’s a basic fact of life that people live in different environments than you & it would benefit you to learn how to acknowledge that without insults.
No Face
Many, many places have no restrictions. No one is counting at my local big box stores. Most places in my state have no mask mandate.
That said, this article just confirms what I already thought.
anon
none of my stores have that at all and they haven’t since probably April. The only place still counting down here in Houston is Trader Joe’s. HEB, Wal-Mart, Target, Lowe’s etc. are all free-for-alls of people entering
anon
1000 is not that many people for a Walmart with no restrictions (which is the case in large parts of the US). My local Costco, when limited to 25% capacity, still has over 400 people inside.
Anon
I actually find that article encouraging. We are a childless couple and since the beginning of the pandemic have “podded” or whatever term you want to use with our neighbors who are also a childfree couple our age. We have similar risk tolerances and take most of the same precautions. There are times I have doubted this arrangement because surely we each have some different community contacts like going to a doctor’s appt but compared to what everyone else in my area is doing (bars are still open) we are being ultra conservative.
According to the website, 4 people, standing and talking indoors without masks, are safe for four hours. That actually makes me think it could be safe to visit my parents at Christmas, a two hour drive away, no stops and it would be just 4 of us there.
Anonymous
The whole “bubble” concept is meaningless IMO. Also, I would not take the website as gospel, but if you do intend to visit, why not just stand outside or wear masks?
Anon
So, this is you being just like the anti-maskers/the people who say “the pandemic isn’t happening.” I am starting to see an alarming trend of people who are cautious and believe the pandemic is real also ignoring scientific statements/evidence that some practices are okay to engage in, or okay to stop. A friend of a friend on Facebook posted a rant when Dr. Fauci said it was okay not to disinfect your groceries. She’s going to keep doing it even though it’s not warranted. It’s obvious to me, even if it is not obvious to other people, that some folks are deep into a mindset about sunk cost and will continue to defend what they’ve been doing even as the science and the recommendations evolve. On both sides. There’s been oodles of conversation here about how overcautious many people posting here are. I don’t know that I 100% agree with the assertions of people being overcautious every time I see them. I do think that when we start moving into the territory of, despite presented information that is reasonably backed up with facts, I am holding fast to my viewpoint and refuse to be swayed – folks need to realize they are part of a problem.
Anonymous
Huh? Did you nest your reply wrong?
Anon
I’m still disinfecting groceries, not because of coronaviruses, but because I haven’t gotten sick with ANYTHING since March, and I don’t want to break this streak!
Anonymous
No. She did not nest her reply wrong. There is a lot of confirmation that podding is a positive practice. Is it as safe as sticking within your household? Nope. Is it a safer practice than freely socializing among the community? Absolutely. Why pretend it is not?
Anon
What the link refers to is just a *model*. The article puts that disclaimer in itself. If someone wants to be slightly more cautious than a model that cannot possibly take into account all the nuances of an individual house or person, that seems ok with me. Some people are big sprayers even when they talk. Some houses are more tightly sealed than others. Some people can’t seem to avoid getting in close to talk, even if they insist they are 6 feet away lol.
Anonymous
Sure, but I know a lot of people who claim to be in a pod with another household. Both households have kids in activities, they go to different grocery stores, walk with other friends “six feet apart,” and see family outdoors. That’s no bubble. Slightly more cautious than a total free-for-all? Sure. But don’t kid yourself that it’s some kind of huge safety measure.
Aunt Jamesina
I think the issue is that (much like the terms “quarantining” and “social distancing”), people are being more relaxed than they should about what a pod is. Pods work when people restrict their contacts to those solely within the pod, but they become almost meaningless when a pod means that two families in a pod are also exposed through multiple workplaces, school/daycare, and family contacts. It’s not that pods don’t work, it’s that people don’t implement them properly.
Anonymous
You might want to click through a lot — the default assumptions are a 900 sq ft room and 20 foot ceilings.
Anonymous
In California regions that are under stay at home order again, you can’t socialize with anyone outside your household, not even outside. One of the regional health officers said “if you have a social bubble, it is now popped.”
Anonymous
I don’t think that’s what the article says at all. 10 people indoors have 18 minutes … why would your family have 4 hours?
anon
Did you look at the app? If you play with it and put in scenarios that is exactly what it says
Anonymous
Off-topic, but why can we not just be couples? Do we have to add “childless” or “child-free”? I don’t find that [older] couples with grown children need to say “we are an older couple with no kids at home” or that younger people need to say “we are a couple of 25-YO recent grads; no kids”. Why do we have to add in the parenthood / lack thereof / determined avoidance thereof to our couple-ness? Why can we not just be?
Anon
I mentioned child-free due to the level of risk children add to the equation.
Anonymous
Falsely safe? That’s your take away? I don’t see that at all. Seems to me like I’m exactly as safe as I thought I was if not more.
Anonymous
I’m going to keep masking up to go to the grocery store … and otherwise staying home. Obviously indoor areas are generally not safe without very good/hospital-level ventilation & people are in denial :(.
Anon
I thought it was a good example of how masks actually are helpful? Also, this seems to be at odds with the many people I know who had COVID in March when no one had masks and people in the same household didn’t get infected? I think this virus still has too many unknowns to model out anything and we should all just keep taking any precautions we can and understand there is no magic shield.
Anonymous
Testing has also been so poor and unreliable. I suspect a lot of people in households who think they didn’t get it early on were also just asymptomatic (at least I hope for them).
anon
I suppose that’s possible but a lot of them have had multiple antibody tests (it’s automatic when you donate blood here) that were also negative so I think it’s unlikely that they all had it and were asymptomatic.
Anonymous
I don’t think that’s “a lot” of people doing all this testing.
Duckles
I felt the opposite— it said even if one of us had covid, four of us could comfortably hang out in their apartment living room in thin, poorly fitting cotton masks for an hour without catching it which is way longer than I would have guessed.
anon - Chelsea Boots recommendations
Can you tell me your favorite Chelsea boots with rubber soles? I don’t want to have to add them after – the cobblers in my town are all closing (distressing, but true). Has anyone tried Thursday Boots or am I being taken in by internet marketing? Thanks!
Anonymous
I’m looking for the same thing. A blogger I like recently posted a review of Thursday Boots. To be honest, they looked a bit worse for the wear than I would have anticipated in the review and it made me kind of less interested in them. Blog is “Goblin Shark” and if you search that plus Thursday Boots it comes up.
Anom
My DH has a pair of Thursday boots. He likes them and thinks they are well made.
Anon
I saw a really cute sorrel pair
AnonMPH
I’ve had these for about a month now and am very happy with them. https://www.zappos.com/p/sorel-lennox-chelsea-velvet-tan/product/9400055/color/870086
Simsi
I’m wearing the Thursday Chelsea boots right now and love them. They’ve held up well, are comfortable. Toe box may be slightly bigger than other similar boots, but that is great for me and for warmer socks.
kk
I tried the duchess pair from thursday boots and they were a little more precious than I’d really needed – I needed something I could really stomp around in. They also ran small/narrow- theyre not kidding when they say to size up!
Anonia
Women’s Kodiak Low Rider Chelsea. I’ve had them since Sept and wear at least 4 times a week for my 10 hrs on your feet job. I sprayed them with leather protection too, so they are moderately waterproof.
MagicUnicorn
Another cookie cutter question: what shapes do you like best and use most? I am trying to fill in the holes in my eclectic collection and there are too many options.
AnonATL
I personally hate the dainty snowflake ones or any that have a bunch of tiny little pieces. I can never get them lifted after I punch them without breaking or distorting them. Even with nice chilled dough.
My favorites are the blob ones: snowmen, Christmas trees, rounder snowflakes, penguins etc. I even have an ice skate that works well.
Anon
If you roll your dough flat and stick it in the freezer, you can cut any shape out and move them around with ease. I put a cookie sheet that’s stacked with parchment (or plastic wrap) separated layers of rolled dough in the freezer before cutting them out. It’s a total game-changer.
MagicUnicorn
I’m intrigued by this. Do you somehow cut through all the layers while they are still stacked? Or do you unstack and then cut? Our kitchen is frigid so we don’t usually have problems keeping the dough cold, but if you have some sleight of hand that lets you cut multiple layers at once I would love to learn this trick.
Anonymous
I only use cookie cutters with one recipe – an old, finicky family recipe for which I am the Designated Keeper – and I’ve found that more “solid” designs work well. The dough for this recipe doesn’t tolerate details like, say, antlers on a reindeer (tearing trying to get it on the cookie sheet and burning once in the oven), so solid shapes like bells, trees, gingerbread men are the best. I also bought a few clear plastic storage containers at JoAnn’s so I have them sorted by season so it’s easy to see what I have and access them.
Vicky Austin
I love stars, bells and snowmen, get middling mileage out of trees and candy canes, and find that gingerbread men and angels always end up losing their heads. Maybe wreaths? I’ve always wanted to try those.
Jessica+Day
One of my favorites is a bow/ribbon. I decorate it with red icing and red sprinkles and it looks really cute on a tray of Christmas cookies.
anon
Agree that the “solid” designs are the way to go. My favorites (Christmas only) are the tree, bell, star, ornament, gingerbread man, and candy cane. Anything too intricate, like a snowflake, just frustrates me. I don’t have the decorating skills to make an attractive Santa, sleigh, or reindeer, so I skip those.
Senior Attorney
Yup. These are my favorites, too. Plus I like the plain and fluted round ones, too.
Aunt Jamesina
I like (metal) ones that nest together because otherwise they take up way too much space for my taste. I have a set of snowflake cookie cutters in graduated sizes and a set of fluted circles for any other cutting need.
Anonymous
Hearts of different sizes, hung in the windows.
Leaping reindeer.
Anon
The ones I use the most by far are stars. I have a set of about 5 different sizes.
Anonymous
I like trees, candy canes, stockings, stars, snowmen, and bells. But I also have a giant box of all different kinds of cookie cutters and love when my kids use them to make a Christmas giraffe or a Christmas horse lol.
MagicUnicorn
I have a giraffe, too! Sadly, he gets little use because his scrawny neck and legs always burn before his belly is baked. Which is a sentence I never imagined myself writing.
pugsnbourbon
I have a sweater-shaped one that I love! Lots of space for decoration.
I also have a crab and a hedgehog. The crab is a PITA but if they come out right, they’re cute.
Anon
I agree with everyone that anything with tiny pieces is a pain. Stars and trees are easy (stars are also good for New Year’s). Snowman cut out well and look cute, but take slightly more decorating effort.
anon
Stars, trees, hearts, gingerbread men, and plain circles (though you can also just use a cup for those).
Thanks, it has pockets!
I did a bunch yesterday, and my favorites were the Christmas trees, ornaments, and snowflakes. I did angels too but they ended up being a lot harder to decorate with the icing than I’d previously thought. I probably should’ve gotten a star cutter too, don’t know why that didn’t cross my mind. For the snowflake I just didn’t bother frosting the points, I just moved the icing bag out and back like I was decorating a star, and they came out fine. The ornaments are the easiest. I have a cutter that looks like a Christmas light that I probably should’ve used. I also regret not looking for a mitten, I’ll bet those are easy too!
MagicUnicorn
Thanks everyone for the suggestions! I think I will pick up a star, a not-too-elaborate snowflake, a bell, a bow/ribbon, and a fluted circle. I have a gingerbread man, heart, christmas tree, and a daisy/flower thing that we use all the time, and a lot of random ones we rarely use (like a giraffe, a fish, a candy cane).
Question for cat owners
Has anyone had any luck handling a cat that starts meowing and howling way too early in the morning? We love our cat very much and his health is our priority, but this early -morning wakeup is killing us. He gets plenty of food and has many toys and places to climb.
If we ignore him, he’ll just howl away intermittently until we get up. Letting him into the bedroom is not an option for several reasons.
He has phases where this is better and worse, and I am currently going crazy.
Anonymous
Have you tried taking away the toys at night? We found that when we left catnip toys out for our cat overnight, she would start special “tonal” meowing at odd hours. Taking them away solved the problem. We also let her in the room, but not on the bed and that seems to keep her happy. She sleeps under our bed in her own bed and I think she would be perturbed if we stopped that arrangement. Are you sure that wouldn’t work for your cat? Sometimes they do just want to be in the same room.
Anon
Vets can be good with advice for this. I doubt they give the same advice to everyone, but my vet’s advice to me was to get up and lock the cat in the bathroom (or another room far from the bedroom) every single time, and not let him out until the alarm goes off. He promised that my cat would not like this, would quickly learn to avoid it, and would learn to wait for the alarm. My husband thought this was cruel and still feels guilty, but it absolutely worked.
(Of course the vet had also checked to make sure his blood sugar was okay, etc. and that there wasn’t some good reason he was waking us.)
anonymous
Cats are crepuscular animals so by nature they are most often active at dusk and dawn.
https://consciouscompanion2012.com/2013/06/03/crepuscular-cats/
Hyperthyroidism could be one reason he is restless and howling, or he could just be you average jerky cat.
I have five cats and thankfully only one of them is a howler. I end up getting up between 6-6:30 to feed them. Sometimes he starts howling earlier than that and I just close the bedroom door so it’s not as loud. I’m usually up anyway b/c I need to use the bathroom so I just go down and feed them. I also feed a couple of feral cats and they are usually waiting outside during this time period as well.
Anyway, in your situation is he just howling for food? You could get a timed feeder. Otherwise, I second the suggestion of putting kitty in another room. You can get a scratch guard for the door if he tries to claw his way out. He may act like he’s being tortured, but he will be in a spacious, safe room.
Anon
I wish I knew! I think my cat is a rooster in a cat body.
Anon
I do not have a cat. But I remember the same question asked on this same board in which the suggestion that solved the problem was an automatic feeder set for 4:45 am or something like that. He may get plenty of food, but need something earlier in the morning.
Anonymous
Every now and then one of my cats goes through this…. barring any other health factors, the solution is to wake them up & make them move constantly during the day (like every 30-60 minutes). Pet them nicely & take them off their perch.
Probably easier these days now that we’re home all day.
If they don’t get to sleep constantly all day, they will sleep longer in the morning :)
Should only take about 2 days to reset their calendar.
anon
We were able to stop this by adding a 10 pm meal of wet food for our cat.
Anon
If the cat is howling at your door you can try cracking the door and hitting him with a spray bottle for a few days. Yes, you have to get outs of bed. But only for a few days. It about 90% worked for my cat, but he will still do it if there’s like a cat or critter right outside of our house that he needs to teach a lesson.
eertmeert
Depending on his age, you might have the vet check for hyperthyroidism. It can present as restlessness and yowling.
Our cat was diagnosed with it last year, and he is just 10.
Anon
Hyperthyroidism, diabetes, IBD… This can definitely be a symptom.
Anonymous
I was thinking of buying new lingerie and saw a beautiful set by Fleur du Mal, but the two pieces together cost over $200, way more than I’ve ever spent on something like this!
Does anyone have experience with this brand/quality/worth it/etc.? I can’t go into a store to try due to the pandemic and would have to just order online.
Or does anyone have suggestions for other seemingly luxurious lingerie brands that are slightly less expensive? Thanks!
Ribena
I found that once I’d looked at a few brands online, I got many more served up to me as ads on social media. Also searched Asos for ideas of what’s out there at which price points.
kk
I’ve had success with Bluebella
Mal
Lonely Lingerie is really pretty, if that’s your style:
https://lonelylabel.com/t/categories/lonely/all
Anonymous
Wow, thanks for this rec. I LOVE the models.
Maudie Atkinson
I too LOVE that there are a range of sizes and ages(!) on the models. Also, this stuff is beautiful, and it’s good they are sold out of virtually everything in my size because otherwise I would BUY IT ALL.
Thank you for the recommendation, Mal!
Anon
I have never found matching underwear to a pretty bra that was actually functional as real underwear. They’re always too thick and scratchy and uncomfortable and give the worst VPL.
So for that reason I wouldn’t spend too much on a “set.”
Anon
Can you donate used-but-not-enjoyed dog toys or should I just list them for free on FB Marketplace? They’re the hard plastic (nylon, whatever that stuff is) kind, not stuffed animals.
MagicUnicorn
Probably easiest to just call your local shelter to ask. I know ours takes used and very worn out towels and blankets as long as they are clean.
Aunt Jamesina
My mom volunteers at a dog rescue and has mentioned they throw out all used dog toys they receive in donations. She said they’re both difficult or impossible to sanitize and they don’t want to be responsible for harming anyone’s pet with a possibly broken toy.
Duckles
Counterpoint: I’ve asked local rescues if they take used dog toys in good condition and they say yes and have always taken them from me. I’ve also just posted on craigslist and given them away for free to individuals.
anon
Are you all putting money into dependent care FSA’s for 2021? I am in DC with two kids in public school (all virtual, I don’t see us going back until the fall). So, I would only put away money for fall 2021, covering school lunch and aftercare. If we don’t use it, we lose it.
Anonymous
The ~30% tax savings on a few grand isn’t worth the possibility of outright losing a few grand to me.
Anonny
I personally am. I’m in South Florida with an infant in daycare since late summer. My husband is an essential worker, and has gone into work throughout the the pandemic. I am working from home, but can’t do my job while also caring for an infant. We have no family for us, and both need our jobs. So, I figured risk of daycare where workers are masked is worth the risk. Given the approach the Florida governor has taken with pandemic, I don’t forsee long term shutdowns of daycare facilities. So I’m contributing entire 5k for 2021 dependent FSA.
Anon.
We stopped paying into our Dependent Care FSA in June after it became clear we wouldn’t send our kid back to daycare. And we won’t pay into it for 2021, as I’m WFH until at least June, and kid will start kindergarten in the fall of 2021. Even if kid will start school in person, who knows whether we will need/feel comfortable with aftercare.
I would not want to lose that money.
Anon
I am because we’re in daycare. We already went through the limit before we even had a chance to adjust our contributions for this year.
anon for this
Ask whether your employer will allow changing daycare/childcare circumstances as a qualified exemption to adjust your allotment. Mine allows one per year if your childcare situation changes, which was super helpful when we kept the kid home for 5 months.
AnoninNova
I’m also in the DC area and just had this discussion with DH this morning. We decided not to contribute. We have a 1st grader in a private school that is currently in person, but there is no extended care due to the pandemic. I’m not sure that my risk-averseness would allow me to put her in camp next summer, unless we’re all vaccinated. So we’d be gambling that her school has aftercare again September-December, which may or may not occur depending on where things stand with COVID-19. It seems better to just keep the funds available and take the tax hit if we do have aftercare next fall.
Anon
Yes. My kid was in an outdoor camp last summer. I assume that or a similar camp will be open next summer; that plus after care in the fall is the entire benefit.
Anon
Yes. Our daycares are open. My husband and I each contribute $2,500 to a dependent care FSA, and we run on different schedules (January- December and July-June). If things go really haywire next year, we’ll use my husband’s calendar year FSA and then I’ll use mine in 2022.
KW
Any recs for a tunic sweatshirt for my mom for Christmas? She’s early 70s, about 5’4 and probably a size 10-ish, kind of an apple shape. She just wants it to wear with leggings around the house.
Anon
Old navy has several tunic-length sweatshirts. They have slits on both sides, and they are perfect to wear over leggings. My mom and I both have several, and I’m wearing one right now!
Anon
J.Jill is perfect for this!
anonymous
Old Navy, Lands End or LL Bean.
anon
Also check out Lands End – I think they have some old-school tunic sweatshirts
Ribena
I don’t know if it’s long enough for what you want but I have one called the Hingham fleece sweatshirt by Charles River (on Amazon) and I LOVE it.
Anon
Is Chico’s too fancy?
Anon
This might be more expensive than you are looking to do but I just discovered a brand called Dudley Stephen’s, got their tunic, and am obsessed.
Anonymous
My mother does this thing that really gets under my skin and I’d like to cope with it better. She repeatedly asks questions that are really criticisms, and when I get upset and tell her to stop, she acts all innocent like “what I’m just asking”. It’s particularly infuriating when it’s about something that I’ve weighed a lot of not-great options and settled on the one that is the least not-great. But she does it with everything.
Silly example: I’ve been doing zoom workouts with a personal trainer in lieu of going to the gym. I had to cancel my appointment today because of a very early work meeting. I rescheduled for tomorrow. My mother asked a million questions about why I canceled, why didn’t I just do it earlier (which would be 5 am), why couldn’t I do it later in the day, why couldn’t I move the work commitment, etc. It’s as if whatever I decide isn’t good enough and there must be some better option I’m not considering because I’m just lazy/fat/stupid/etc. When it’s something dumb like this I can brush it off, but it’s hard to deal with when it’s something important that I’m already anxious about and wondering whether I’ve done the right thing. I don’t need her second guessing me when I’m already second guessing myself. A few weeks ago, I ended up yelling at her because I kept saying – stop asking questions – and she kept asking and played innocent. Changing the subject doesn’t work, she just comes back to it. I’ve had to hang up on her over this. I think she sees interrogation as a form of conversation and that’s never going to change, but I feel like I should develop better coping skills so I can actually talk to my mother without feeling like a ragey ball of stress. Help?
Anon.
I’m wondering: Why does your mother even know such details of your schedule?
Can you preface your conversation by saying “I’m not seeking for your input, just telling you” or just tell her details that you would be ok being questioned about?
OP
I gave this example because it shows the pattern (and it’s fresh because it just happened), but as I said, this is a silly, low-stakes example that shows the pattern. I’m not upset or angry about this example. There are lots of other things that are upsetting though – like a break up – that aren’t solved by just putting her on an information diet.
anon
My mom can do something like this at times. There are two ways to stop this kind of convo: (1) don’t give her the info that leads to these kinds of discussions – doe she need to know about your decision to see your trainer?, (2) end the conversation – hang up if changing subject doesn’t do the trick. Full stop and no apologies. “If you can’t stop I’m going to hang up” and then hang up.
Senior Attorney
This. “I’m not going to justify my choices to you, Mom. Shall we change the subject or say goodbye for now?”
Anokha
Honestly, this. My mom is going to change and so I have just stopped telling her anything that will lead to any sort of “controversy”. So now she mostly talks and I just listen.
Anonymous
Stop sharing so much with her. If you do want to share with her, and she does this, “mom, you’re doing that thing again where you pretend you’re just asking questions but actually you’re criticizing me and it’s stressing me out please stop.” “Ok bye mom talk later.”
Senior Attorney
This is a great script. Call it what it is!
anon
My mom is like this too & it’s why I keep our conversations short and not so detailed. We can’t all be Lorelai and Rory — it’s okay to take a step back.
Lilliet
And Lorelai and Rory have maybe one of the most unhealthy mom/daughter relationships out there! Do not aspire to be them! (I say this as a huge GG fan)
anon
Ugh, this sounds exhausting. She pushes your buttons until you’re forced to yell to get your point across. It sounds like you need to put your mom on an information diet, if this is her go-to conversational strategy. I’m curious if she does this to other people, or just you.
Cat
Why does your mom even know about this workout and you cancelling it? My mom can do this too and I realize I’ve inherited the tendency (knowing that it can be offputting, I try not to do this, but my instinct is to respond to a problem or complaint with brainstorming to ‘fix’ it)… so I don’t tell her stuff like this in the first place.
anonymous
Do you have the type of relationship with her where you can talk about her behavior and why it bothers you? If not, then she’s not going to change. Limit the type of information you share with her. This sounds incredibly frustrating. Sorry you have to deal with it.
Emma
Agree with everyone else – I love my mom but I need to keep our conversations more high level, otherwise she nitpicks and dissects my everyday decisions and it drives me crazy.
anon
If your mom lives separately from you, then I agree with the other comments to stop telling her details about your day to day. But if your mom lives with you, then I can see how difficult it would be to set boundaries. When my mom’s being the same way, I find that I fend her off better if I feel comfortable about my own choices. Sometimes it’s not about knowing you’ve made the right choices per se, but that you’ve weighed your options and are comfortable with the risks and rewards of your decisions, and are willing to live with the consequences. When I reach that state of mind, I find that what other people say are less loud and easier to stamp out.
Lily
I would not be telling her the minutiae of my day like this. But if you must, and she asks why you did something, can’t you just reply, “because that’s what I wanted to do” and leave it at that? Don’t try to justify your actions to her. Honestly this sounds like emotional abuse, especially if she does this around your diet or exercise regime as a way of criticizing your weight.
Anon
Your mother needs to be on an information diet.
Anonymous
Echoing the advice to put your mother on an “information diet.” You need to cut some strings. My mother also does passive aggressive things like this, making judgmental statements and then pretending they are innocent (or even complimentary — “You’re smarter than Amy. So why aren’t you rich like she is?” was supposedly a compliment.) Relative wealth, weight, and lack of career accolades are favorite subjects, as is my single status. I have strong feelings that she has actually contributed significantly to some of these things, but I never ever want to have that conversation with her because the things I would say would break her. So I have stopped sharing things with her until they are established. I mentioned my boyfriend after we had been dating for almost a year and they were going to meet at an event. I mentioned my weight loss only when she tried to give me her pants, not realizing I am now two sizes smaller than she is. (She still implied that I was lying about that.) I mentioned my new exercise routine only after a year when I was about to accomplish a goal.
And to the extent she still interrogates you, I think you need to find a pat answer that shuts down the questioning. Why did I do that? Well, I used my best judgment given the facts I had at the time. Hard stop. Why didn’t I make that other decision? I had to balance all of my competing goals and this is where I landed today. Hard stop.
anon
With low stakes stuff, I agree with just not telling her in the first place. She can be upset about it if she wants; it’s not your problem.
With higher stakes stuff, I’ve had success with wording things as directly as possible, with the tone of informing rather than having a conversation. It sucks, because it would be great to be able to just have conversations with my parents, but they have shown again and again that they will argue and cause me tons of stress, so now they just get updates instead of being included in any kind of discussion. If they try to argue anyway, I just don’t offer any extra information and handle the conversation the way I would if I was talking to a client about a scheduling change due to a private medical issue (e.g. “I won’t be able to make it this weekend” “But why” “Sorry, I’m not available. See you the following weekend!” instead of “I’m having a IUD put in Friday and anticipate lots of cramps”).
Since your mom likes to ask lots of questions, another strategy could be to find safe topics that she can ask questions about and bring those up as much as possible, or to find a topic she’s an expert at and ask her lots of questions.
Anonymous
She needs an information diet. I see my mom in person like 4 days a week (we’re two households bubbled together in a low covid area), but she definitely has no clue how/if I work out, what I ate or didn’t eat for dinner etc. Just stop talking about your workouts with her.
‘Why do you ask?’ is a response to any question. If she says, ‘Because I’m interested, then you say, ‘oh, it’s not really that interesting, I don’t remember’. Basically verbally shrug your shoulders about any question she asks and then ask her about herself. ‘I can’t remember, how was your online cribbage game with Aunt Sue?’
Anon
Does she actually call you fat, lazy, stupid, or was that describing your internal reaction to her criticism?
Because if she literally calls you that, I’d go no contact.
If you’re not being literal, I agree with others that you should go lower contact, or not share this kind of stuff with her. Limit your conversations to things you don’t make a decision about, like the weather.
Anon
What are your favorite ways to get outside / be active outside in the winter?
I was outside a lot last weekend and it did wonders for my mental health. I’ve pretty much just been taking a LOT of walks so looking for some variety. I’m leaning hard into a) winter is something to be enjoyed, not endured and b) no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing. I normally hate hate hate winter/cold, but am trying to embrace both this year.
For background – I do most of my exercising indoors/at home but am open to occasional outdoor exercise. I live in Philly so could go hiking or skiing on weekends but not mid week. It gets cold, but we haven’t had much snow the past few years. I’ve been walking all over the city, have biked a bit, and played tennis a few weekends ago – all of which were a blast. Normally I’d go ice skating but the rinks have been too crowded lately. Is there any other activity I’m not thinking of? Looking for active / moderately active outdoor things I can do solo (easier to fit in), or with a friend (since outdoors/masked/distanced is the only way I see anybody).
Anonymous
Cross-country skiing sounds like the ticket for you. Skate skiing is fun too.
Anon
Great! I’ve never done it (only been downhill skiing a few times) but if we get enough snow this year I’ll rent the skis from REI and rope in a friend or two
Cat
Co-signed, but as someone who is also in Philly, it’s hard to do as a day trip. Unlike downhill, there’s no “manufactured snow” cross-country. We typically do a few long weekends in upstate NY or New England.
Cat
Oh I see the part about “if we get enough snow” now, lol. If you end up finding a good place that’s local please post about it!
Anon
It’s a big “if” around here lately!
Looking forward to getting back to down hill skiing this year too! If you also downhill ski, do you have a favorite mountain?
Cat
I tried it a few times but didn’t love it… the peacefulness of cross-country (most of the time you’re basically alone in the woods, and you don’t even realize how much exercise you’re getting because it’s so low impact) really hooked me, though!
kk
the wissahickon hiking trails are super great! I also love walking/running the bridge to NJ in the late afternoon so that I’m crossing back home around dusk- it’s cool to see the light on the delaware when the sun is setting.
Anon
The Wissahickon is my favorite! I don’t go there often enough since I have to drive (it takes a LOT for me to agree to move my car lol) but I do absolutely love it there.
Anon
Snowshoeing! It’s active but easy to learn and the equipment is affordable.
Anon
I’m new to having a cleaning service – we haven’t been tipping when they come every couple of weeks but are planning to tip for the holiday.
Is a tip equivalent to one cleaning still the norm? Also nobody tips at every cleaning, right? I’m in NJ if that matters.
Anon
Yep, one cleaning is the standard tip. I’ve had my housekeeper for years and years and love her like family, so I give her two paid cleaning days off around the holidays and one cleaning (so like 3 cleanings).
NY CPA
My cleaning lady charges $100 but I usually give her $120 since she’s here for hours, does a good job, is trustworthy, and I like to build up goodwill (esp since my family has had an issue where someone’s cleaning woman went to jail for stealing jewelry from them and other customers). For the cleaning before Christmas, she got $240.
Anonymous
I think you should be tipping at every cleaning.
Anon
My cleaning person is an individual who sets her own rates, so I don’t tip and every cleaning but tip at the first service in December — equivalent of one cleaning. Every couple of years I give her a “raise” around our “anniversary” by just paying $10 more than before. I also paid her for 3 months to stay home during our SAH order… I really like her, both as a cleaner and as a person.
holidays
Any recs for cashmere for men? I am thinking about a teal or forest green crew neck sweater and / or scarf for a family member. The color is a little harder to find.
Any opinions about Land’s End cashmere?
Ideally, something not too itchy!
Anon
I like Everlane’s cashmere sweaters.
holidays
Great Idea. Unfortunately his size (large) is sold out in Teal. That looked perfect though.
Anon
I think Boden is similar. I did wear a hole in my Boden sweater’s elbow but to be honest I wore that sweater a LOT.
Anon
Kat should do a post about cashmere for men, a lot of people seem to be asking about it. I think quite a few people have recommended Quince.
kk
we have a couple Naadam sweaters and theyre great
brokentoe
Lands End has nice cashmere for men, not unlike their sweaters for women. My DH needs tall everything so they have been a good source for tall cashmere sweaters. Bonus is this time of year they usually have some pretty decent sales.
Teen gifts
Sorry for another gift question.
I asked my 15 year old niece, who liked the weighted blanket that you guys helped me buy her, what she wanted for Xmas. She told me “cozy comfortable things” and makeup. It kind of surprised me as I thought she would tell me books/music etc… Her typical daily wear is a black graphic T and casual bottoms.
Any recs? She said she is “experimenting” with eyeshadows and likes Korean lip tints.
Anonymous
Maybe Glossier? I think it tends to more “natural” makeup and is popular with the kids. Alternatively, one lipstick/gloss and a promise to take her to a counter when it’s safe to do so.
Cat
A nice eyeshadow palette would be great for a teen! Check out Ulta.
NY CPA
+1 A nice eyeshadow palette from Ulta or Sephora, with a gift receipt in case she wants a different set of colors.
Anon
This is the right thing to do. Also, don’t get her an all-nudes palette. I’ve been watching tik tok makeup videos, and they love to creatively use bold colors.
Anon
Get a good eyeshadow palette or a Sephora gift card!
Anonymous
Cozy comforable things – The Honeydew Ladies Lounge Legging at Costco online feels like a Barefoot Dreams dupe, but is only twelve bucks. True to size, initially a bit small but it stretches. The Stars Above Cozy Plush Chenille Sleep Pullover Sweater from Target is also a Barefoot Dreams dupe, but only twenty-five dollars – There is a robe in this material as well. Oversized fit. Wash cold, tumble dry low. I’m wearing the sweater and leggings right now, and have a Barefoot Dreams Cozy Chic cardigan for comparison.
anon
If she’s into the minimalist style, then eyeliner and mascara are good to have too. Get her something easy to use and control like an eyeliner marker/pen. Don’t start her out with liquid.
anon
The teens I know, including my own, love Aeropostale lounge wear – fleece-lined leggings, sweatpants, slouchy tops. Good price point.
Anon
Look up “vsco girl aesthetic” to find cozy comfortable things. Basically tye dye sweatshirts, beanies, slip on Vans or Converse, puffy jackets, etc.
There are a ton of fun accessories you can add – Hydroflask, stickers (the 90s are cool so dig into your childhood for sticker themes like Polaroids NASA Lisa Frank Pokemon roller skating), scrunchies, friendship bracelets and homemade beaded bracelets, Instamax camera. It’s also very environment friendly so things like puka shells and those beach ankle bracelets and reusable straws.
Husband gift ideas
What is everyone getting their DHs this year? I usually buy mine an experience/trip of some kind, but that is currently off the table, and he has already bought the types of things he enjoys for indoor entertainment due to the pandemic. Anyone have some inspiration they can share?
anon
a new truck! and TBH he has been looking at trucks for a few months, knows exactly what he wants and we haven’t found it yet….the supply chain/shutdown issues from earlier this year are still impacting inventory a bit….this is not a typical size gift but he needs a new truck this year after selling his 13 year old one in September……
Emma
I’m getting him Bose wireless earphones. It’s really a gift for both of us since we share a small space and if I have to tune out another stupid show while I try to work late, I might have to strangle him.
anonymous
This probably sounds grinchy, but we stopped buying Christmas gifts for each other years ago because it started to feel obligatory. We used to travel and that was our big gift to each other during the year. If he already has everything he needs when why buy more stuff just for the sake of it?
Anon
Yep, this. Our love language is most definitely not gifts, so we get each other something small to open on Christmas morning (DH is getting slippers this year), but skip gifts otherwise.
Senior Attorney
I’m getting mine a ton of graphic t-shirts, as it turns out. It just sort of happened because the internet kept showing them to me and I kept buying them! I also always make a photo calendar for his office. And this year I am thinking of doing a “pandemic year” photo book.
anon
I got my partner an escape room (at home) subscription from https://escape-the-crate.com/ .
Senior Attorney
Oh, speaking of crates, I got my son a Man Crate one year and it was a huge hit: https://www.mancrates.com/
Anon
This was also a hit with my husband one year.
Vicky Austin
Mine wants a blender, lol, so that’s what he’s getting!
Jeffiner
I got him a Japanese themed bookshelf alley off of Etsy, for the shelves in his new WFH office. We went to Japan several years ago, and it was his favorite vacation. I also got him a subscription to the Sfoglini pasta of the month club, and some gourmet peanut butter for his stocking stuffer. We just passed his birthday and our anniversary, I got him a camelback for the birthday and a rain chain for the anniversary.
Anonymous
I got my husband a Bokksu box subscription (hopefully I get to share in it too!).
Lilliet
Cocktail smoker!
brokentoe
A smartphone-enabled telescope. Unfortunately, looks like they are now shipping after Christmas. https://www.hammacher.com/product/award-winning-smartphone-enabled-telescope?promo=search
Anon
Mine is getting a crystal whiskey decanter that matches the glasses someone gifted him for our wedding along with a couple of his favorite snacks that we save for special occasions.
Anon
Lots of candy and a guitar!
Anonymous
I got my husband Blundstones to slip on for dog walks and manly athleisure-type clothes to suit his new WFH lifestyle. I asked him to get me an espresso maker.
If I had unlimited funds and garage space, I’d buy him an old car to fix up.
anan
Mine is getting an insulated pizza delivery bag (for all the take out pizza we’ve been having- so really a present for the family) and a subscription to Granta (because he loves the magazine but always talks himself out of a subscription). I might also get him a coffee subscription because since the pandemic he hasn’t been able to go to his favorite coffee places as much and is always running out of beans.
Anonymous
A winter survival kit, aka a case of really good wines.
Anonymous
A survey — if you’ve been going to the grocery store this whole time, will you/have you switched to online during the fall/winter? In NJ – masking is good but rates aren’t good as say NY or New England. Don’t have an N95 – wear a snug triple layer cloth mask.
Only asking those who otherwise go out how they will or won’t change behavior. Obviously if your response is you haven’t been out since March then this is not applicable.
Cat
We have been shopping in person throughout, and will continue to do so for meat, produce, and Trader Joe’s. But we are condensing our ‘non perishable’ items into a curbside pickup from the regular grocery store. That way we’re never in any particular store more than about half an hour. Masking is good in my area.
Anon
I’d recommend ordering produce from Giordanos ! Free delivery (to certain zip codes) and good prices. They’re normally a wholesaler, but have started offering direct to customer sales since their main clients aren’t buying as much. They’re also a family owned business, so I like supporting them.
I did their grocery boxes in the spring (that was the only option then), but now you can do the box or order a la carte.
Airplane.
Larry inver is also a great wholesaler doing residential delivery. The meat and fish and cheese prices are great (can’t speak for other stuff) I stocked up for winter.
Anonymous
I’ve been going out since probably May or June, but recently switched to delivery groceries as I did a firm 14 day lockdown ahead of Thanksgiving. It was so much easier, and I’ll probably stick with that going forward both from a convenience standpoint and a safety standpoint, although I am not strongly opposed to going if I really need something. I’m in NYC FWIW.
anonymous
I’ve been shopping in person since March and will continue to do so. Thankfully I see most people wearing masks, but I do see some idiots wearing them below their nose.
Anonymous
I’m in NJ and still buying groceries in person. I’m not high risk, all ordering does is put a low wage worker at more risk instead of me, and it’s not that hard to find a grocery store that isn’t packed by going early or late in the day.
Anon
+1 !!!! I will not get delivery because I refuse to make someone else assume the risk for me
Anonymous
Self righteous much? It’s their job which they chose. Don’t like it, they can get a different safer job like in a warehouse where fewer people walk in and out. I don’t order delivery because it’s a hassle in my area but I’m not sitting around feigning concern for others either.
anon
This may blow your mind but some of us are capable of being genuinely concerned for others.
Anon
I’m not feigning concern. Like the poster at 1:40 said, I just care about people other than myself. In fact, so much so that I made a career out of it and make probably half of what I could make if I had a corporate job. Sometimes I wish people here would get out of their bubbles
Anonymous
Except at least half of the people who say things like “I won’t make a low-paid worker assume the risk for me” have also been partying it up all summer and fall, spreading the virus and hurting low-paid workers the most.
Anon
I also make the conscious choice to not ask someone else to assume my risk. Additionally, why should I, a low risk individual, take a spot that could be used by someone who is high risk, when there are only finite spots for curbside/delivery available in my area?
I can’t control what you or anyone else does, but I can control what I do.
Anon
If we’re talking about Instacart, it would be less risky for those workers if there were fewer people (including you) in the store. Simpler put, one person shopping for many reduces risk.
We still go to grocery stores but do Amazon Fresh when I don’t have time.
LaurenB
Mask compliant area and I shop for groceries in person. I would not feel right about taking a delivery slot that should go to someone who is elderly, immune compromised, etc.
Anon
I think there’s significant public health benefit to online ordering if the right services are available in your area and those services work for your budget and needs.
In the Bay Area, I think it’s much safer to be a Good Eggs employee (who has paid sick leave and employer-provided health insurance) packing in a warehouse with just a limited number of other employees than a worker at a regular grocery store.
Not quite as reduced risk for employees as Good Eggs, but my local grocery store offers curbside pickup shopped by their employees who have paid sick leave and employer-provided health insurance. Those workers would be a lot safer if most people used their services so the store had a few people who really know the store zipping around a mostly empty store.
Anonymous
Can you say more about Good Eggs? Never heard of it but it sounds intriguing. I want to move away from supporting Amazon/Whole Foods. Are you able to use it for all your grocery needs or is it more of a special-items-only thing?
Good Eggs Anon
One can use Good Eggs for everything and they’re very committed to treating their workers well. Quality is high. I love that they charge more, but there’s no tipping—it’s so much fairer to workers to get reliable wages. I also appreciate that the workers are employees with paid sick leave and health insurance, which is good for them and, in a pandemic, important for all of us.
I’ve been using them for years and found their customer service to be good, though they are more likely to get overwhelmed and make mistakes/run out of items when they’re slammed (day before Thanksgiving, right at the start of lockdown in March).
Good Eggs is a little pricey for me to use for everything, though. I like Farm Fresh to You for weekly produce, milk, and bread and Vitacost’s website for shelf-stable foods like oats and cereal. I put in a huge Good Eggs order maybe monthly, which helps lower the fees (they have a % fee that caps out, so it’s cheaper to put in fewer, bigger orders).
Senior Attorney
I did deliveries in March/April, then started going in person and expect to continue to do so. Mask and distancing compliance is good here.
Anon
We’re still going, but all along we’ve only been going only every three weeks and supplementing with some nonperishables online. We shop at Trader Joes, so online/curbside isn’t an option, but masking and distancing are pretty good (California). I don’t think we’ve been inside anywhere else except for medical things, but this seems reasonable.
Anonymous
We switched to grocery delivery from Whole Foods over the summer since my husband (who does the shopping) wasn’t impressed with their social distancing. He still goes to Trader Joe’s with a KN95 mask and we’ll probably keep that up, but we’re doing it as little as possible.
Anonymous
I’d consider leaving Whole Foods entirely over this, particularly because they’re now owned by Amazon & its pandemic response towards workers was terrible.
Anonymous
Yes, I think once the pandemic is over, we will. Sadly right now it’s the only place we can get reliable delivery.
anon
+1. My most recent trip to Whole Foods left me appalled. The people shopping for others were clearly under pressure to shop as quickly as possible, regardless of social distancing protocols. Multiple times, employed shoppers barged right in front of me to grab items from the shelf I was looking at, without following social distancing protocols. I wasn’t taking forever, but I’m not a professional shopper grabbing for a specific, already ordered item.
I’ve decided to leave Whole Foods for those who want to order online. I’ve been shopping in person at a local store with wide aisles and regular people shopping who are good about masks and not in a hurry, so courteous about social distancing.
Anon
No – I’ve been going out the entire time and I will continue to do so for a few reasons.
1) I’d rather keep the delivery slots available for those who truly need it. As a low risk young adult, I feel that it would be selfish for me to take a delivery slot from the elderly/high risk folks in my area.
2) With the caveat that I’m young and low risk – I think it is disgusting to decide “I can’t take that risk, so someone (not as well off as I am) should take that risk for me. Why should an instacart shopper or a delivery person risk going out and being in the store to “protect”me? Obviously things are different if you’re high risk.
3) I really enjoy grocery shopping in normal times and I very rarely get out of my house right now so I will keep doing it.
4) During the spring I was working in person 6 days a week, 80+ hour weeks. If I could find the time to run my errands then (live alone, so couldn’t ask someone to go for me), then I can find the time now (things have calmed down significantly).
I’m in Philly – so pretty strict rules right now with pretty decent compliance.
Anonymous
No 2 is ridiculous. Sorry but do you also say – oh no I’ll go to the office 5 days a week and sit in a cubicle because look at all the bus drivers and retail workers at work, it isn’t fair that I can WFH? Come on. I too don’t order online because I can grocery shop once in 3 weeks at 8 am but in no way is it because I “feel bad” paying others to do it for me.
Anon
Actually I, and most people I know, don’t have the luxury of wfh
My family is working class – mailman, teacher, childcare provider, waitresses, etc. They’re not able to wfh.
I’m a white collar essential employee. Many friends are too (nurses, other healthcare workers, work in covid testing labs, etc).
I’ve seen undue burden put on my family and friends and coworkers for 9 months. I will not do the same to others.
Anonymous
And it would be horrendous public policy to push everyone who can WFH to return to the office so that everything is fair to essential workers. That will dramatically increase the COVID risk for people who do not have the luxury of working from home.
Anon
No one is arguing for that! Everyone who can wfh 100% should!
Anonymous
No, obviously (using this reasoning) you would stay home so they don’t have to drive you.
Anon
+1
I’m not wfh but I switched to biking to work so I didn’t have to use public transportation or uber.
Anonymous
It’s lower risk for Instacart shoppers to have fewer people in the store, though. I think your point is still important, but I don’t think we meaningfully reduce the risk for them by insisting that we all go into the store. I’d rather see more grocery stores shift to near-exclusive delivery and pick-up so very few people are going in and out.
anonyK
I’ve thought of it this way— to me, it is better for the lower paid workers (grocery store and instacart employees) if I stay home. Grocery store clerks in particular- they are better off seeing the same 10 instacart shoppers all day than the 50 individuals those 10 people are shopping for. I’ve done both since the pandemic started. In the spring I mostly went late at night. That was when it was hard to get delivery slots so I wasn’t going to take one from a more vulnerable person. But now, in my area, instacart delivery spots are easy to come by so that isn’t a relevant factor. I mostly went myself in the summer, but it was cutting into my work hours and I rediscovered instacart around September, which has been great and I may never go back.
So yeah, in my view, I primarily do it for my own convenience and a side benefit is that it is better for the grocery store employees and creates jobs. Are they secure good paying jobs? no. But they are flexible jobs and the economy is crap. I tip well. If someone felt they were better off staying at home than working for instacart, they are free to do that. My not ordering instacart doesn’t help anyone that I can see. My husband is a healthcare worker so I think I am more a risk to unknowingly the employees then vice versa. If delivery spots were limited like in the spring, I would just go in person. That’s the only real drawback I see.
This reminds me of back when I was in law school and it was fashionable to boycott walmart because of their antiunion other questionable employment practices, but my aunt and cousin worked for Walmart and definitely did not want people to boycott them, so I just felt conflicted about the whole thing.
anon
+ 1000
What’s fashionable does not always align with maximum harm reduction
Anon
I had that same experience in grad school (feeling weird about Walmart boycotts when that’s where family worked!).
anne-on
+1 to points 1-3. I also find the stores MUCH less crowded than they were, and we’ve already cut back from 3~ trips a week to 1 trip to Whole Foods weekly and 1 every other week to either Trader Joes or Stop and Shop for ‘convenience foods’ (sugar cereals, tortillas, random things like ketchup/mayo brands they don’t carry at Whole Foods, etc.). I’m trying to buy more in those trips but not ‘sweep the shelves’ so it’s difficult. I also continue to find shopping at dinner time and early AM after seniors hours are the least crowded.
Anonymous
On #2, so you grow your own produce? Slaughter your own meat? Raise your own kids from scratch? This is the way of the world.
Anon
No need to be pedantic.
I do not grow my own food or slaughter my own meat. That’s not something I can reasonably do. (I live downtown for starters).
I don’t get food deliveries because I can go and do that.
No one can do thus perfectly, but we can all do our best. For me, this is doing my best.
Annie Grace
I agree. I’m not high risk, so I go to the store. I’ve been going every week since mid-March. Masking is good in my area. I don’t think it’s virtuous to pay someone else to assume the risk for me. Not saying all people who do utilize these services feel they are virtuous. But some definitely give off the holier than thou COVID quarantine vibe (and the ones I know aren’t high risk either). Not saying this applies to all, just a handful of people I personally know.
Anon
Remember the jury duty thread? People were insufferable.
Most of my family and friends (myself included) are working in person. People want to reap the benefits of the labor of those who are willing / have to work in person (food delivery, mail delivery, getting covid tests, healthcare, hair cuts,having utilities and public safety, buying online, etc) without putting themselves at an ounce of risk. It’s been a really tough year for us
Anonymous
But you (or anyone else) never once offered a coherent answer to the question of how it will benefit you or essential workers for all of us to live life as normal and go back to the office and crowd up the subway in the name of fairness. Why do you think that will be beneficial to anyone? Everyone who can stay home should. We should reduce the number of unique people who are buying groceries. Everything non-essential should be avoided.
Anon
Ok sure if a) those people doing they grocery shopping have adequate protection and b) they’re truly enough slots for EVERYONE that’s one thing. However, neither of those are the case.
The Good Egg example from SF sounds great , but that’s not everywhere. A lot of these people doing grocery delivery don’t have employer benefits (sick leave, health insurance, life insurance) or employer provided PPE. Until they do, I will not use their services. I have those things, so if someone is going to take a minimal risk, I’d rather it be me.
B) Im not using these services because I know of high risk people who aren’t able to get slots. These slots really should be prioritized for those who can’t/shouldn’t shop in person. Once there’s capacity for everyone to get a slot, we can reconsider.
C) this probably doesn’t apply to this board but if you’re saying everyone should use these services we need to provide ways for those without internet access (so both a computer / smart phone and internet/data as well as the knowledge of how to access the right website,make an account, place an order) and those credit cards/online banking to access services
Anon
Literally no one is saying that those who are currently wfh should start working in the office or take the subway or live normal lives in the name of fairness.
Yes – everyone should stay home as much as possible. I 100% agree. I just don’t agree that it’s fair to make some assume my risk for me by paying someone to grocery shop for me.
anon
No. 2 makes no sense whatsoever and it’s absolutely confounding that people can think like this. Think through what you’re saying to its logical conclusion! Let’s say everyone decided not to use Instacart, other than a small number of high risk people. The number of available Instacart jobs would plummet, and those jobs would no longer be available to those that wanted or needed them. By using Instacart, you are giving someone the *option* of earning money by going to the grocery store should they want to avail themselves of that option.
Anon
There is plenty of demand, I’m just not adding to it
Annie Grace
Let’s not act like someone is ordering Instacart to help employ the great, unwashed masses (I say that last part facetiously). People are doing it out of convenience and other emotions/feelings. And that’s fine, as it’s how a free market economy works. But the air of magnanimity is over the top.
Anon
+1
I do plenty to support my local economy – I order food for pickup (can be done without even going inside the restaurant) and I shop local for non-food goods (trying to do less shipping – have heard that delivery workers are overburdened). My lack of an instacart order is not harming the local economy.
Besides – at risk people still have trouble getting delivery slots. I want those people who need delivery to be able to get it!
anon
Of course I’m not saying that. Most people are ordering groceries because it’s more convenient and/or they are afraid of grocery stores. But it’s simply false to say that shopping in person and *foregoing* Instacart is somehow reducing harm. It’s not. By foregoing Instacart and doing something yourself that you can instead pay another person to do, you are thereby reducing someone else’s available income options. But great that it makes you feel magnanimous to shop in person, I guess.
anonshmanon
I’m low risk and mask compliance is good in my area. I used to get an imperfect produce box, but discontinued around April because their already mediocre quality had totally plummeted. With the box, I could stretch grocery visits to almost 3 weeks apart, now I go in every 10 days or so.
I try to go during the day, luckily I largely manage my own time. I wear triple layer cotton mask, but have been thinking about getting a better mask lately.
I feel pretty safe to go shopping, and think other people probably need the delivery slots more. I personally also enjoy grocery shopping and it’s the only time I go indoors. Takeout pickup is almost exclusively curbside now. If I had to quarantine(e.g. for potential exposure), I could live of pantry+freezer for a couple weeks, but would probably try to get some fresh produce delivered.
AFT
We’ve been mostly shopping online (Am@zon Fresh) since before the pandemic… went to like 90% online last spring, then down to 75-80% over the summer, and are now back up to 90% online, only for items we can’t get online. In the Chicago area, so things went from bad to OK over the summer and now at pretty bad.
Anonymous
I have been going in person, considering myself to be relatively low risk and trying to be good about social distancing when there so it is a low-risk activity. But my BF is traveling a lot to dark red spots on the map and now I am starting to consider myself the possible disease vector, so thinking about doing pickup or delivery going forward.
Anon
I’m trying to be very conscious of my reliance on delivery. While obviously different than food delivery – I have a relative who works for USPS and a relative who works for UPS and they’ve both said this is the worst work year they’ve ever had. They’re absolutely slammed with everyone ordering everything online and their morale is so low. They’re also struggling with proper protections.
As a result,I’m doing as much shopping (for everything) in person as I possibly can
pnw anon
In person throughout, KN95 mask (that I reuse). Not planning to make changes.
Anon
In NYC. Normally, I do farmers market + a local ethnic market in the summer and fall and fresh direct + ethnic market in the winter, because my local grocery store’s produce and fish isn’t great (ethnic market is dried goods and prepared foods only). This spring, Fresh Direct had no delivery slots available and issues with supply, so I did in person once a week at the local grocery store. When the farmers market opened, I switched back to my usual. Now that it’s closed, I’m back to Fresh Direct. I still go to the grocery store sometimes, but it’s crowded and mask compliance in my neighborhood isn’t the best — lots of people have it below the nose or pull it off to talk. It’s always older people too!
I don’t want to endanger the Fresh Direct workers, but that’s true of the grocery store workers as well. For Fresh Direct, I’m in a big building and most of the time they are bringing 3-6 people’s orders in at one time. I tip well, wear a mask when opening the door, and say a genuine thank you. None of these options are ideal.
At the end of the day, I think all of us well-paid* office workers need to spend more time remembering how many low-wage people we rely on every day, whether we see them or not.
*I’m in public service, so this is relative.
Anon
+1 to your last sentence
I’m also in public service so well paid is relative, but there are so, so, so many low paid individuals (often with no or worse benefits than we have) that we’re reliant on. I know I get touchy around this subject because many of my family members are blue collar and have had a really tough time during this pandemic – and they’re all much better off than your average grocery store worker, instacart delivery person, etc.
My personal thought is that when you stop doing xyz necessary activity, you put the burden from that on someone else. I personally do not feel comfortable putting the burden of my grocery shopping on someone else.
I truly believe that to whom much is given, much will be expected.
anon
DH or I have been going out for most grocery shopping since about May or June. I do it because I think the risk is pretty low for individuals shopping at the store, if everyone is masked and people are doing their best to socially distance. Also, even after months of online ordering being common, we haven’t had great results with online ordering–lots of issues with substitutions, or just grabbing the wrong item, or forgetting a bag, and once even submitting the order as “fulfilled” when it hadn’t been, which took hours on the phone to resolve and resulted in a 2-day delay in actually getting our groceries.
I’ve been to about 8 different grocery stores near me, plus Walmart and Target, but I most often go to the local store with lower crowds, wide aisles, good mask compliance among employees, no professional shoppers, and the greatest likelihood of carrying everything on my list.
Anonymous
I have tried to rework my grocery shopping so I go less frequently and spend less time in the store. I get what I can with my Target pick up order, get what I can online from Thrive, and shop IRL every two weeks for eggs, milk, vegetables, etc.
Anon
Is it insane to buy pretty masks as a gift? I need to buy something under $50 for several colleagues, and I’m drawing a blank. Food is not an option for medical reasons, and we are all completely different people with no shared interests. I’ve exhausted the usual generic ideas in previous years (candles, plants, bath stuff).
Anonymous
I would be happy to receive masks from a coworker. I’d much rather have something practical (and even pretty) rather than some random junk like a branded koozie.
Cat
Not insane! We’ve tried a bunch and Athleta’s 5-packs are our favorites for fit and comfort, and fit your budget.
Anonymous
Do you mean decorative masks? IDK. On the generic gift front coffee cup, thermos, holiday ornament, fancy office supply?
Senior Attorney
I hope it’s not because I am doing it this year.
Anonymous
What about a ring light? About the same cost and less prone to personal preference and fit. Worse that happens is everyone looks better on their Zoom calls. LOL
Anon
Minor gripe but DH and I have lived together for 5 years and every single day of those 5 years he has done this thing that drives me NUTS: hangs his coat on the back of a bar stool instead of a coat hook, place his keys and wallet literally anywhere but their designated spots and then spend a cumulative 30min looking for them each day, and place things like pants/sweatshirts that he took off ANYWHERE but the dirty laundry or the closet. He gets really annoyed when I try to tidy up and move these things, constantly says “I was just about to wear/use that” if I ask him to put it away, and I am sick to death of nagging. I have tried EVERYTHING, I just want him to put his things away on his own, every single time. Any suggestions? I feel like his mom and it sucks.
Emma
My spouse does this too! It drives me a little nuts but I just tidy it up and he has learned that if his coat isn’t on that chair he left it on, it’s on the hook, and if his dirty clothes are gone, they are in the bin (or, you know, clean now). I think you need to have a talk about how much this bothers you and reasonable compromises between different styles.
Anonymous
Yep, this is a price of admission thing. Figure out what actually affects you, like being late because he can’t find his wallet, and what you can live with. Undoubtedly there is something that you do that drives him nuts too.
Anon
Show him the She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink essay?
Cat
For the coat I’d figure out the barrier to entry here – what’s the issue with him taking it off right away if the hook is next to the door? Like are his hands full so he first goes to the kitchen to set stuff down and then just takes the coat off? If that’s the case maybe a basket or table near the entry could help. Or he always comes in with a runny nose so goes straight for the tissues?
For the keys and wallet I would just ignore him altogether when he is looking for them. That NYT article about training Shamu and marriage is a good one.
For the general “clothes everywhere” problem – gah, that’s annoying, and I got nothin.
Anonymous
Doing a ‘problem analysis’ is not op’s job, this isn’t her problem! Her DH is a grown *ss man and he can figure out his own challenges and solve them!
anon
+1 even if the OP solves the problem perfectly, it sounds like the solution isn’t going to take because her DH doesn’t see it as a problem in the first place.
Anon
But it is her problem, because it’s not a problem for her DH. Why does she get to decide where he puts his stuff? I would go insane if my husband tried to micromanage me like this.
Anonymous
Because his stuff is clutter? Things have a place that they belong and it’s disrespectful to not put things where they belong.
Anonymous
Same.
Senior Attorney
Honestly after five years I would consider this a price of admission to the relationship. I would announce, however, that henceforth I was going to put the things in [designated spot] when I stumbled over them, on the theory that he can be messy if he wants but he’s not entitled to force his messiness on me.
Anonymous
Yep, I’d start tossing them in the basement or somewhere inconvenient for him, but out of sight for you. Don’t just do it without announcing it – be direct rather than passive-aggressive. “Hey, I’m getting really tired of tripping over your clothes. I’ve mentioned this many times before and nothing has changed. From now on, when you leave clothes out, I’m going to throw them down the basement stairs so they’re out of my way. I’m telling you now so you don’t ask me where they are in the future.”
Anonymous
I LOVE this. I have been seeking ways to bolster a parent-child dynamic with my SO.
Anonymous
*snickers* I’m unclear … aren’t they both children in this scenario?
anon
Haha! This reminds me of when my husband used to leave change everywhere, and it drove me NUTS! I told him that I was going to start collecting his change and put it toward my Anthropologie fund. He hates that store and the whole thing around it, and he was pretty irritated that I’d take his change and use it for clothes. (Our money is entirely joint–he was using cash from the same joint bank account that my clothes purchases would have gone toward.) I never even collected 25 cents! I haven’t seen coins around the house in years!
Senior Attorney
I wouldn’t go that far, although I totally get the impulse. I used to be married to somebody who was a leaver-arounder of things, and our deal was that I would pile them on the desk in his home office.
Anonymous
My dog follows DH when he comes in and pick up everything DH drops and as soon as DH sits on the couch, dog drops all on his lap. Best dog ever! And m DH got tired of slobber on his stuff and rarely puts things down where they do no belong… Really not sure what what possessed dog to do this. DH thinks the dog could feel my stress!
Digby
I love your dog. You could make a mint having your dog teach this to other dogs.
Away Game
He’s not going to do it. Ever. He isn’t interesting in putting things in one spot, and nagging isn’t going to change him. Consider what that life looks like for the next few decades. So…where does that leave you? Can you live with this forever? Honestly at this point it seems to be either a deal breaker or just the price you pay for all great qualities he has. Can you figure out a way to have it bother you less?
Anonymous
This. This is what he is comfortable with. He knows it bothers you and expects you to get over it. That’s not something I’d be cool with unless there was heavy compromise on other areas. But you do you on price of admission.
Anonymous
Yeah, maybe just decide to wait by the door & entertain yourself if needed while he finishes getting ready …
waffles
I have been married for 20 years and I can tell you this never changes. I stopped making it my problem. If he can’t find stuff, he will have to look for it. When he stuffs random things into the kitchen cupboard, the dresser drawer, or under the bed, I just leave it there (unless it’s really in my way). Maybe once a year I’ll suggest we go through the random piles in the spots which affect me. But truly the best thing for us was to move into a bigger house where I have my own spaces (home office, BATHROOM) which stay organized. Sorry.
Anon
Clutter is stuff that doesn’t have a place. There probably needs to be a designated spot for “I was just going to wear that again” stuff (like some people said they had a designated half-dirty drawer) and I would say your husband probably needs a coat hook and a wallet/key bowl by the door, even if that’s not where you would prefer they be.
But I totally understand you feeling disrespected by this since it seems like such a small thing to put them away.
My husband is a tidy person but his idea of what looks cluttered it a lot more generous than mine.
All you can really do in the frantic I can’t find my keys crap is not participate. Don’t look for the keys. Don’t say I told you so. Just don’t react.
Anonymous
I’d feel disrespected by a spouse nagging me about where I put a coat.
Anonymous
Is it that hard to adult and hang it up? He’s not living in a frat house anymore. Do you also only wash dishes when the sink overflows with them. It’s not hard to be reasonably tidy most of the time.
Anonymous
Clean people are so self righteous. No I dont live in filth. Yes I think putting a coat away is a waste of time.
Anon
I have a very clean house, but in the winter when I’m wearing a coat every time I go outside – no, I do not put it away every time. I place it over the back of one of the chairs at my kitchen table and I leave my shoes there too. (this is probably because there’s no place to hang a coat on the first floor of my house and there’s no entry way to hang hooks / put a table for my keys/phone/wallet/mask so it all ends up on the table). But – there’s limited/no clutter elsewhere. My floors are swept/vacuumed 2x a week, my kitchen is wiped down daily. Just because I leave my coat out does not mean I’m sloppy
Anonymous
To Anon at 3:11: It sounds like you live in one of those awful houses without a grand entrance. I am sorry for your circumstances, and perhaps moving to a nicer home is the answer, but living in those poor conditions does not excuse you from living up to others’ standards to put your things away every single time.
Senior Attorney
Maybe buy him a Tile for Christmas?
Anon
Yes this. I shove all his mess in a specific corner when it gets in my way, but then I also don’t help him look for things. If he can’t find his keys because he leaves them everywhere but the actual designated place, that’s for him to figure out. I am not his personal item-finding fairy, and it’s not fair to expect me to be. Luckily he agreed early on in our relationship when we had a big fight about this, and we figured out a system that works for both of us.
I’m MORE clean than most people, and he’s LESS clean, so we live in this gray area between the two where the main areas are mostly “picked up” – everything is stacked nicely or put in cabinets. I have my office and my side of the bed that is spic and span and everything in its exact place. He has his corner of the family room and his side of the bed where all his mess can be hidden behind the chair or behind the bed. Once every two weeks, we both agree to go through the entire house and pick up for the cleaners. This has worked for the past many years. And it’s been nice practice for me for our kids – I totally remember being the teenager with clothes and debris all over my room and it’s good to let them have their own space to keep as clean/messy as they want, but still need to pick it up for the cleaners regularly.
OP
OP here- here’s the thing, he has a key bowl by the door, he has a coat hook. He’s just mindless, or rather, distracted and not thinking about it, when he comes in from whatever he’s doing. I’ve spent the entire pandemic slowly Konmari’ing our small condo (not his stuff, or at least not without his consent) and making sure every item has a home, so it REALLY stands out. Today he was taking a conference call in our bedroom and I found his keys ON MY PILLOW.
Anon
Ok it sounds like you’re all in on Kon-Marie and he isn’t. You can’t keep a shared home in perfect Kon-Marie organization if both parties aren’t committed. If he doesn’t want to do it, you can’t force him to because 1) he lives there too and 2) you’re not his mom (and as a mom, I can’t tell you from personal experience just being the mom doesn’t work anyway).
He has a hook for his coat and a basket for his keys. He doesn’t put them there. If he wants the hook and the key bowl somewhere else, he can move them. If he refuses to use them, your choices are to live with his coat not being in its place or put it in its place if it is driving you nuts to look at. But it doesn’t drive him nuts where it is, and that’s his choice.
I stand by what I said about not helping him find anything. If you’re the laundry-doer, you can also have rules that say only clothes in the laundry basket get washed.
Unfortunately, when you’re a very tidy person you can’t force everyone in your life to adapt to the same level of tidiness. That’s a battle you’re going to lose 100% of the time, so all you can do is change how you react to it.
all about eevee
This is going to make people here think I am a terrible person, but when my husband was doing the take-your-outfit-off-in-the-living-room and leave it dance, I started disappearing the discarded clothing items into a trash bag in our closet. When he runs out of clothes, he will have to deal with the contents of the bag.
anon
Oh, don’t do this! It’s messed up to take and hide a partner’s belongings. It’s also the sort of thing parents do to punish their children.
all about eevee
Too late. I have to teach the man consequences somehow. If it were dirty dishes, I’d put them on his pillow.
Anonymous
I don’t think this is so horrible either – assuming that you have already repeatedly tried to have conversations about it. It’s not fair to the woman in the relationship to always have to “let things go.”
all about eevee
At first, I was collecting the clothing, laundering it, and putting it away for him, but he objected to that and wanted me to leave it. So, there you go!
anan
I wholly love the trash bag solution, but I will say My husband does this to my kids’ toys and it super pisses me off because he doesn’t distinguish between the kids’ toys and the (for example) vegetable steamer that the toddler took out of the cabinet and flung on the floor. I just spent two weeks wondering where the vegetable steamer was and it was in a trash bag in the basement.
Lilliet
All the advice above is great. I thought I would mention that because we are home all the time things like this are really weighing on us. So it is probably a big deal and annoys you. But it feels BIGGER because we are home all the time now. I’ve put some of my husband’s bad habits (IMO) into perspective by guessing which of my habits he feels similarly about…and it’s probably the habits I’ve created in reaction to his bad habits: moving his wallet off the counter and onto an entryway table catch-all. He can never find it. Because I moved it (because I was cooking and don’t need his gross germy wallet on my counters). Chicken. Egg.
Anonymous
But how can he ‘never find it’ if you consistently put it in the same place? Shouldn’t he just look there first.
anon
DH and I are both pretty messy. On several occasions, we have spent 30 minutes searching for a missing item that was … exactly where it belonged. We literally didn’t even think to look where it was supposed to go.
Anonymous
Unpopular opinion here, but it’s his home, too, and him leaving a coat around a chair versus the hook isn’t doing any actual harm.
I’d save the nagging for things that actually matter. Can you maybe agree to a room that he can be messy in or keep how he chooses, while common areas are tidy? That’s another way to help ensure both of you get what you need.
The person upthread hiding her spouse’s clothes–that is so disrespectful. If I ever had a spouse do that, I’d be gone.
Anonymous
Is it too much to expect an adult to not be slovenly? Why is cleanliness and order such a high request?
Anonymous
Right? This is someone leaving dirty clothes all over the house every day, not accidentally leaving the cap off the toothpaste once in a while.
Anonymous
IDK does keeping your coat on the back of a chair vs a hook on the wall really slovenly? It’s just a preference.
Anon
Totally agree. I am this person in my marriage. I definitely do not equate sometimes leaving my keys and jacket out of their designated spot as “slovenly” and would be so annoyed if my spouse was such a drama queen.
Anon
+1
My house is immaculate. I still leave my coat on a chair. It is not slovenly.
Brunette Elle Woods
I agree. I’m not tidy but I’m not gross. I won’t leave dirty dishes for days or used tissues out, etc. I will leave my nail polish sitting on the counter from last night, matches out from lighting a candle, or my running sneakers out. It’s just not a priority to me and doesn’t bother me. When you live with a partner, it’s about compromise. You will never live in as clean a home as you would if living alone and I imagine he’s making more of an effort than he would if he lived alone.
Senior Attorney
Yep. I feel like this is going to have to be either a price of admission or a deal-breaker. Because who wants to be annoyed about it (or worse, fight about it) for the rest of your lives?
No Problem
When I was in high school, the teacher who supervised one of my clubs had two kids in middle school. She would call the house every day maybe 20 minutes after they got home from the bus and ask a series of questions: coats hung up? Shoes on the shelf? Backpacks in your room? Check the chore chart on the fridge? What snack are you having? Etc.
Can you do something similar, like right before dinner? Coat on the hook? Wallet and keys in their spot? Sweats in the bin/closet? Have a conversation where you explain that this isn’t nagging, it’s his price of admission to sitting down for dinner. It won’t solve what happens on weekends, but would at least get him to put things away once a day.
Anonymous
Omg I’d rather just die alone than put up with this
Senior Attorney
Right? OMG. Whenever I am tempted to do something like this, I remind myself that I am well aware of my faults and foibles, and I have zero interest in having anyone offer unsolicited coaching in order to improve myself. And the obvious corrolary to that is that nobody else wants my unsolicited coaching about their faults and foibles.
Duckles
Hahaha YEP
Anon
I mean, that is literally being his mom. You used an example of a mom doing that.
No Problem
I don’t disagree, but this is about creating the habit. OP said above that she thinks he’s just being mindless when he comes inside. So if he’s mindless when he’s entering the home, make it a point to make him be mindFUL at some other, regular point.
Another thing, OP, is to talk to him about love languages. That for you, him putting away his keys and his coat are responding to your love language (act of service, I guess).
Aunt Jamesina
Others have a lot of great ideas, but as a finicky neatnik with a husband who cleans but tosses receipts/keys/jackets wherever, I found it illuminating to ask him what I did around the house that annoyed him. He had a few, so we agreed to each work on our annoying habits in exchange. It’s worked pretty well!
Senior Attorney
This is the best suggestion so far, other than “learn to live with it!”
anon
I also find it useful that whenever I’m annoyed at my husband’s clutter, I walk around and pick up my own. I think we often have clutter blindness to our own stuff and are annoyed by other people’s. 1) picking up my own stuff makes the apartment seem cleaner. 2) a lot of times when my husband sees me picking up, he then starts to do the same in the moment.
Anon
IME it’s best to build organizing structures around your existing habits, not try to enforce ones unwillingly upon people. For example, my hubs also has a “drop clothes wherever I take them off” and so now he has a dirty clothes hamper and also a decortive canvas box with his name on it in strategic areas of every room he drops stuff in. So now instead of the middle of the floor, he gets to basketball it to the box. And if I move his stuff, he knows it’s in the box.
Wherever he’s dropping off his keys, there needs to be a place nearby for him to drop it in (and don’t help him find it). And you need to put the coatrack by the bar stool (or nearby back door). It may not be the most “appropriate” place but at least when things have a place it’s not as frustrating.
Anonymous
In return for my husband dealing with my foibles, I deal with his, which include little nests of pocket contents piled on his dresser and an inability to put dirty clothes anywhere but in a big pile in the center of the floor of the laundry room. I married a person with autonomy, and many charming characteristics, not a robot I can program to do things my way.
Senior Attorney
THIS SO MUCH.
“Many charming characteristics” for the win!
Fullyfunctional
I don’t know how to adequately express how petty this complaint is. My sweetheart used to do all this and more, leaving his stuff all over the house. It infuriated me and stressed me out so much. Well, he died suddenly in July. Now I get to keep my house as clean as I want. It sucks, it’s unimportant, and I’d literally give anything in my power to have a messy house with him in it again.
Senior Attorney
Oh, I’m so sorry! Big socially distanced hugs to you!
anon
Following the tip question from above….how much do you tip the hairdresser at the holidays? Cost of one service (cut/color)?
Senior Attorney
Yup.
Anon
I don’t give an extra holiday tip at all, but I don’t go all that often (once every 2-3 months). I always tip 20% but tipping the cost of an entire service would be too expensive for me.
Anon
I feel like the only person in the world without that kind of hairdresser relationship (I’ve never had someone I’ve gone to long term or frequently) but I never do an extra holiday tip – just a normal generous tip.
Free Yoga videos
Any recommendations for free online yoga videos? Preferably in the 20-30 minute length and moderate level. I’m trying to find something I can do in the evening when the day has gotten away from me, and I couldn’t get out for a run before dark.
anonymous
Yoga with Adriene on YouTube.
Anon
Not free, but the Down Dog app has been incredible for me and well worth the price of a subscription.
Gail the Goldfish
I agree. They also seem to have frequent sales. I have also used yoga with adrienne and it is good as well.
Anon
I like Alo Yoga. Yoga with Adrienne is nice but is too relaxing for me. I also sometimes do a local studio’s paid classes.
Anon
I’m looking for suggestions for games (probably board games but I’m open to anything) for two people. This is for me to play with my teen son, so not cards against humanity type stuff with lots of sexual innuendo (I think that would literally kill him). He likes Monopoly type games but I’m looking for something new, and hopefully quicker to play than Monopoly, to give him for Christmas.
It’s hard to find good games for two!
Cat
Monopoly Deal has been getting good reviews!
Walnut
Buy a couple decks of Monopoly Deal and add your own house rules. We doubled up the rent cards, added a go to jail where you lose two turns, etc.
Anon
Does he like superheroes at all? Marvel Champions is a deck-based board game that is really fun and could be up his alley. Also, Suburbia I think could be really fun for his age range – it is almost like a board game version of the Sims. In the Hall of the Mountain King and Ticket to Ride are good entry level board games.
Anonymous
Hive, Monopoly Deal (shorter version of Monopoly), Code Name Duos, Pandemic, Scrabble, Backgammon, Chess, Risk
Senior Attorney
My husband and I have enjoyed CodeNames Duet.
Anonymous
ticket to ride
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/Trekking-National-Parks-Family-Second/dp/B07H185K6H
https://www.amazon.com/Days-Wonder-DO7201-Ticket-Ride/dp/0975277324
AnonATL
check out the pencil skirt post from last week for a whole thread on 2 person board games!. They may not be specific to his interests, but lots of good ones there.
Anon
Quirkle!
BeenThatGuy
My tween and I love to play Battleship and Connect Four. Certainly geared towards younger folks but we have a great time.