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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 214 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Quilted Satin Tuxedo Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Balmain Quilted Satin Tuxedo JacketNet-a-Porter has a bunch of drool-worthy blazers right now, but the one that makes me most excited is this stunning satin tuxedo jacket from Balmain. The fan print is so art deco, the satin looks luxurious, and I love the structured, shrunken look — it's the perfect thing to have in your wardrobe for years as your festive blazer. Now, I do take slight issue with the styling. A) I hate white and black together in general. B) I have too many memories of attending my father's big office holiday parties as a young girl and thinking that the men who wore turtlenecks with blazers looked L-A-M-E — but that's just my weird association with turtlenecks/holiday parties; there's nothing actually wrong with them. So I'd probably wear it over a simple dress — a red, a purple, even a nice dark green. The blazer is $2,910 at Net-a-Porter. Balmain Quilted Satin Tuxedo Jacket Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)  

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Comments

  1. Parker - Boardroombelles

    A white turtleneck especially. Though if NYFW runways are any indication there are quite a few early 90ies/late80ies trends making a comeback next season.

    I’d juxtapose the “masculine” touch of tuxedo with a high-necked silk top. Cream could be okay, but I think a strong, deep berry or jade would also be nice.

    • anon-oh-no

      I love this. I am also not wild about the turtleneck with it, but I cannot see Kat’s styling suggestion working. To me, this tuxedo style (and the shrunken style as well) seems to go best with slacks and a longer shirt (as styled above, but w/o the turtle). An untucked silk blouse in just about any color would look fabulous with this

    • Bonnie

      The 80s are definitely staging a comeback. This weekend, I saw so many young women wearing high-rise, acid washed jean shorts. I don’t think they look good on anyone and cringe at the things I once wore!

      • Anonymous

        The 80s comback has been in full swing for a few seasons now. I’m seeing a huge 90s revival now. Plaid, doc marten-ish boots, baby doll dresses etc. I saw in InStyle over the weekend that one of the editors was getting “inspiration for her fall wardrobe from Clueless.”

        I know I’m old, but I feel like the 90s *just* happened.

        • Mpls

          Apparently, the early 90s are now officially old enough to be considered “vintage”. Le sigh.

        • Calibrachoa

          .. I am not sure if I am anticipating or dreading the return of the neon overalls.

  2. Famouscait

    PSA: very cool web event being held this morning about the SCOTUS blog. The session from 10:30 to 11:45 a.m. ET will analyze Supreme Court coverage in the digital age. Panelists in the final session from 1:30 to 2:45 p.m. ET will share insights into the Roberts Court and discuss the court’s upcoming term.

    View here: http://www.ctl.uga.edu/eventstream

    The event, titled “SCOTUSblog: Supreme Court Coverage and Cases,” will feature Tom Goldstein, publisher of SCOTUSblog and veteran Supreme Court litigator; Amy Howe, attorney and SCOTUSblog editor; Pete Williams, NBC News Justice correspondent; Tony Mauro, Supreme Court correspondent for the National Law Journal; and Janet Murray, media professor at Georgia Tech and a member of the Board of the Peabody Awards. The program, which will be streamed live on UGA’s Center for Teaching and Learning website, http://www.ctl.uga.edu/eventstream, and on http://www.scotusblog.com, is sponsored by the Grady College of Journalism and Mass Communication, the Peabody Awards and the University of Georgia School of Law.

  3. NancyBot

    What do you ladies who work in a casual office do to stay warm? My new job is super casual (jeans + cute tee or button up) which is great but the office is freezing. I have been throwing on a cute hoodie for now out of desperation because it’s all I have but I feel like a slob. Does anyone have any suggestions? I need something that is more like outerwear and will just fit over my outfit while I’m sitting at my desk. A lot of people have blankets but it’s always my upper body that is cold so that won’t work.

    • Anne Shirley

      sweaters? That don’t have hoods? I feel like I’m missing something, but my warmer casual wear is cardigans and sweaters, in cotton, wool and cashmere depending on the season. A knit sweater-blazer sounds a bit dressier for your office, but still appropriate.

    • Mpls

      Try upgrading from cotton to a wool sweater, if the current crop is cotton. Wool works better to retain warmth. You could try a thickish type sweater. You can also try adding a scarf – if your neck is warm, it helps the rest of you.

    • S in Chicago

      Invest in some ponte or knit blazers. Feels like a hoodie while still looking put together. BR had some nice ones not too long ago. Nordstrom has some nice ones as well by Olivia Moon.

    • KLG

      I keep a long, heavy open black cardigan in my office and throw it on over whatever I am wearing.

    • Brant

      I have a similar office vibe. Quilted vest, fleece vest, heavy cotton sweater (cardigan esp.) all work well. We have a LOT of ladies that have pashminas in my office as well.

    • Veronique

      In addition to whatever sweater/blazer I’m wearing, I always have a pashmina at my desk. Like you, my upper body gets cold, so it’s great to just wrap around my shoulders and isn’t too dressy or too casual.

    • calibrachoa

      Maybe layer a long sleeve shirt under your t-shirt? That’s what I am doing today.

      Cardigans and jersey blazers are v. Awesome if hoodies don’t do it for you.

    • In the Pink

      What about a soft, boiled wool, jewel neck blazer? I usually find them at Talbs, Boden, and even Natl Geographic catalogue.

      It’s something you can use at other times…

      Or a soft flannel one? I saw that Talbs had a yellowish one, it’s a longer style. While I can’t wear that color, it was sure soft. They have a shorter one in a brick or rusty red, but it’s not the same style.

    • Brooklyn Paralegal

      My office fluctuates between stuffy and freezing (the A/C goes on and off throughout the day, which is annoying) and I’ve embraced layering. I work in a relatively casual office as well and today I’m wearing a cardigan with a thin long sleeved top (both from H&M because I do not have a salary that allows for cashmere, much to my chagrin). H&M also has some great cable knit sweaters right now that are cute and roomy enough to layer a button down underneath. I also steal my fiance’s keffiyeh, which is warmer than any scarf I own but looks much more normal than wearing a big winter scarf indoors.

      Ladies: Is a blanket at work standard practice? I was a little surprised by OP’s mention of coworkers using blankets at their desks, but maybe that’s just me?

      • Leave the blankets home

        I see blankets occasionally, but I always think it looks truly awful. And it’s always with folks in low-level positions at my office (actually, one particular department to be honest). I have a hard time picturing anyone in authority wrapping up like they are home and comfy-ing it up on the couch. Shawl yes, throw no.

        I get cold sometimes, too. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to break out my Ugg slippers and a comforter at my desk, as tempting as it may seem.

        • NancyBot

          Agreed it would not fly in a professional environment, but here it’s fine. People are walking around in their gym clothes constantly, or with snuggies, etc. This place is the complete opposite of professional in just about every way. I’m trying to walk the line of being myself but still fitting in with the company norm. I wouldn’t go as far as bringing in a blanket but I getting desperate. I cannot get work done when I’m this cold and shivering nonstop.

    • SoCalAtty

      I have a long, button up jacket from Hurley that is basically sweatshirt material. Really comfortable, not too bulky, and looks fine if someone sees me in it.

    • NancyBot

      My phone keeps eating my reply so ill try to keep it simple. Blazers are too dressy here even a jersey one, except on the most important days. People here don’t use pashminas, they use snuggies. This is a young, hip company and fit and culture are super important. Last time I saw the CEO he had on skinny jeans and a fleece vest. That being said, blazers and sweaters aren’t cutting it for warmth either. I have Raynauds and I get ice cold. I need a very heavy option, like a coat but that can be worn indoors. I also need it to have an outerwear vibe so I can put it on on top of my outfit, including sweaters because even with a sweater I’m cold. Does anyone else out there work in an office this casual? I was thinking a patagonia something or other but that almost as unstylish as a hoodie.

      • Another B

        I’m with you on how cold it can get. I ended up getting what would be outerwear sweater in the fall in chunky wool (grandfather style) that I wear as my “snuggie.”

        If you can also get a cozy scarf/cowl/shawl, that should help.

        If you’re still cold, try a wool beanie.

        *As an aside, Nancy, it helps if you wear something more significant than spaghetti strap dresses to the office, and good for you for getting a job! Last I saw, you were fleeing to Canada without your passports!

      • zora

        I second the big chunky wool sweater, like from an outdoor store. but also have you tried an electric heating pad? I have one I can sit on or put in my lap or you could even put it over your shoulders.

      • S in Chicago

        Any thought to a leather jacket? There are so many cute styles and colors out for fall. That could help walk the line between hip/warmth/outerwear that’s still looking appropriate to innerwear.

    • ohc

      I realize that this is always my suggestion, but: silk long johns under your clothes. They will add significant warmth without adding *any* bulk, and you will look more professional than the folks bundling up in blankets.

      • NancyBot

        Unfortunately it is 90 degrees here so I will roast whenever I go outside, but I will definitely look into that in the winter!

    • Silvercurls

      Leg warmers? I’m trying to find ways to warm your lower body besides draping a blanket over your lap.
      I don’t even know if these are available outside dance supply stores. Last season I saw some in Target but they looked too flimsy to hold up for any length of time.

      I also second the suggestion to add layers underneath your outfit.

      I’m assuming that your office won’t allow under-the-desk heaters (perhaps for very valid reasons re power load or fire hazard considerations)?

      If my suggestions are totally ridiculous, maybe the comic relief will help warm you up? No offense1

  4. anon

    Did the New York Times Sunday article on the Harvard Business School accurately describe the environment there? Any alums here who can comment on that? It was pretty darn depressing!!

    • Dr. Lyn

      I was pretty shocked by it, actually.

      Then when I stepped back and thought about the guys I knew who went there, I wasn’t so surprised.

    • Ellen

      I wonder if I should find a HARVARD B-School guy to date? From what I have heard, they are a little less snobbey then the law school gradueate’s, but I am NOT sure that is enough to base a releationship on. Dad says that he prefer’s MIT to Harvard, if given the choice, but that I think is ONLEY b/c he went there. When I was lookeing at school’s, I went up to MIT, but found it a littel to NERDY for my taste’s.

      Myrna and I went up to see Roberta to eat DELI on Sunday, and it was very nice up there. We saw Wave Hill and the HUDSON River was very clean lookeing b/c of the fresh air. By MY REQUEST, NO discussion’s of MEN were permitted. Roberta has a son who is in his late 20s, who is working in Philadephia, and she wants to set me up with him. I saw his picture and he was cute, but I do NOT want a long distance relationship, and he is YOUNGER then me, so I am NOT sure if he is mature enough for me. I need a REAL man who want’s to settel down and have a family RIGHTAWAY, and no games. Roberta knows about Grandma Leyeh’s $50,000, but she said to forget that, and that if it work’s out, she will give me $50,000 as her NEW Daughter in Law when we have a baby. I think it would be great to have Roberta as my mother in law, b/c we could have DELI every week, and Roberta has a tuchus like mom, so she would NOT be like Grandma Leyeh makeing snotty comment’s about my tuchus and mom’s tuchus b/c it came from HER side of the family. FOOEY on that! For now, I am back at my desk polisheing off the CLE slides for the manageing partner. He is goeing to try and get me to go up on the stage with him and I will get 6 credit’s for my CLE certification. YAY if he can get them. Otherwise I will have to take a CLE Class at PLI, the NYSBA or the NYCity Bar. FOOEY!

    • Lyssa

      I was wondering the same. I’m about 99% sure that the public universities in a very southern state did not have these sorts of problems with widespread sexism. I would certainly hope that Ivies could be at least as good!

  5. Anne Shirley

    Did we discuss the NYTimes article on Harvard B-School over the weekend? Sorry if I’m dredging up old news.

    I was struck by 2 things: 1.) stenographers in the classroom. Sounds a little crazy, but also like it worked really well, and 2.) if you blow off studying for an exam to go speed dating because this is your last chance to snap up those golden Harvard b-school men, I’m not sure anyone can help with that.

    • Monday

      Someone posted it and it got a few replies (including from me) on p. 2 of the weekend thread. Not to discourage more discussion today, of course.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I just read it and found it really interesting. One thing that struck me was that in addition to the gender issue, there is also quite the wealth disparity issue. I wonder what the effects of that are. It was definitely something that I noticed in the No More Harvard Debt blog.

      The stenographers in the classroom was definitely interesting. I liked the quote about the fact that just shining light on the issue caused people to change their behaviors somewhat so they didn’t actually have to rely on the new systems they had like the stenographers and grading software. I do have a question about the stenographers though. That will only produce a written transcript, right? I’m a bit torn because if you rely only on what the person said and take out the presentation of those words, conviction, emphasis, etc then it seems like an important part is missing. All those things will be taken into account in real world situations. I’m glad they did training on asserting yourself to deal with that end. I think this is not only a gender issue but a personality issue where the quieter people may not do as well. I wonder if any quieter men benefited from the things the school tried.

      • Monday

        My impression was that stenographers were there to provide a record, more basically, of who had contributed what to the class discussion. We’ve all probably had the experience of making a point, having it ignored, and then seeing a man say exactly the same thing a few minutes later to a lot of ooohs and aaahs. Or, similarly, pitching an idea that does catch on but then noticing later that people somehow “remember” it as the brainchild of a male colleague.

    • TBK

      I wouldn’t be so dismissive of the student who chose a date over studying (it sounds like it worked out for her). There were times in my 20s when I would have gladly traded academic success for a good relationship. Even now, my career is incredibly important to me, but my marriage is the most important thing in the world. True, part of that is that I feel like that’s the promise I made when I took my vows (to make my marriage number one in my life), but I took those vows because I felt that a loving marriage was the best foundation for every other good thing in my life. (This isn’t to disparage people who feel fulfilled as single people. I wasn’t one of them. I’m far happier married than I ever was single, and not because I didn’t have a full rich, life. It just wasn’t as good, for me.)

      I wish there were more detail about what the environment was like. I mean, all we got was that the guys sometimes played “chuck, f—-k, or marry” with the women in the class. Um, I think we all, men and women, did that in law school. And college. And high school. (Was it juvenile? Yes. But it wasn’t evidence of sexism in my mind.)

      Some of my friends were upset with how entitled some of the students sounded. It think my friends felt that the (male) students were more concerned with their own success than with promoting gender equality. But HBS costs a fortune. I’d be pretty upset if I felt my education was being tinkered with as part of some grand experiment that wasn’t geared toward improving my own education, per se.

      Honestly, I doubt women shy away from finance because of anything that’s happening in b-school. I think it’s because money doesn’t buy women sexual success the way it does for men. A rich male banker will have no trouble getting dates. So he’s rich, successful, and has his pick of women. A rich female banker is just rich. And may have a harder time dating than a woman with less money and prestige. So without that incentive, a woman might be drawn to fields that give her other things. Like a personal connection (e.g., HR and marketing), better work/life balance, etc. For some women is it because they feel they don’t belong in finance? Maybe. But I bet most of those women are weeded out long before they wind up as Harvard MBAs. It think most women going to HBS are quite prepared to play with the big boys.

      • Bewitched

        TBK, I have to play devil’s advocate and disagree with you on this one. I do believe that what is described in the article as occuring at HBS would influence women to shy away from finance. If I went to a school where the finance people had long histories of influential family relationships (like the kid whose dad was a major player on Wall Street), where the professors called on men more than women, and where there was a suggestion that one speaker urged women to shy away from VC, I’d be intimidated and might well shy away from going into finance myself. I don’t necessarily think that HBS women gravitate to HR/marketing of their own accord, just as I believe there is a deeper reason why more men go into STEM than women. There are some entrenched institutional biases/preferences, which HBS and many other programs are working to turn around.

        • TBK

          You make good points and I think I was a little unclear. What I meant to say was that I think the issue of women being underrepresented in high-earning fields (from banking to certain medical specialties to C-suites) is a complicated one. Are some people simply too intimidated to go there, or feel too out of place? Sure. But I think it gives too little credit to women to say they’re all staying away out of fear. Many women make thoughtful, intentional choices to prioritize other benefits over money. Focusing exclusively on what’s high-earning and prestigious as a measure of success is sexist. Men are more likely to choose money and prestige because it, often, provides more value to them. (And I really do mean “more” likely — not that women never choose these things. I certainly did. But just that, given a group of women and a group of men, more men are likely to prioritize money and prestige and more women are likely to prioritize other aspects of their careers.) So I think that to change classrooms and then say “why aren’t more women in finance?” is to ignore the full range of considerations that factor into any MBA’s decision about where to take her or his career.

          • TCFKAG

            But – this isn’t this the exact issue – the chicken and the egg issue. The question is “why aren’t there more women in the high paying/highly competitive fields of finance?” Many people answer “because women have made personal choices to direct themselves into careers in which they have greater personal happiness, where they have better work/life balance, or where they can make a greater connection to people.”

            But – I would argue that a big part of the problem that *starts* in business school and continues in I-banking and consultant type work is that its simply incredibly unfriendly to women. Perhaps its not openly hostile to women, but its still an old boys club and it continues to be – and when faced with this completely unfriendly situation – shockingly women decide to go a different route. Thus, the I-Banks and consulting firms (and b-schools) aren’t forced to change because they can just say “its not us, its them.”

            But, if you had a friend who had dated like 15 men who had all broken up with her and said some variation of the same thing – like “you’re just too xyz” – eventually you’d probably need to talk to her about the fact that it might not be *them* but that it might be *her.* So yes, every woman who decides to step away from Big Law or I-Banks or consulting is making a good decision for herself or her family, but eventually we need to, as a community of professionals, consider the very real possibility that it isn’t “us” (being women professionals) but that it may be “them” (being unfriendly places of employment.)

            Or at least, that’s my opinion, I know not everyone agrees.

          • Susedna

            TCFKAG, you articulated so well what I wanted to say that all that’s left for me to do is to agree and add that in certain companies, the good ol’ boy types have this attitude of: “we already did such a biiiiig favor letting you in, stop whining for more” while being blind to how truly unfriendly they are to women.

      • AnnonFoo

        “money doesn’t buy women sexual success the way it does for men”

        Agree with TBK here, this has been so true, atleast in my experience so far. I work in a very lucrative sector of finance with a ton of HBS grads and make a good deal of money myself. I am proud of what I have achieved professionally but I have to admit it does not get me any advantage in the dating scene. In fact my last relationship ended because I was not flexible enough to relocate when my ex got a new job. I would have to take more than 50% paycut to be with him. Most men I know at my level have stay at home wives who would happily move for their husbands, but it is so much difficult to find similar men. Men in finance are such great catch but it doesn’t hold true for women.

        • Wannabe Runner

          Same deal for women dating – I have a friend who was appointed to the bench recently. She’s single. Telling potential dates that she is a judge is just as bad as not wearing deodorant to a date. She recently had a nice, cute boyfriend, but he was kind of mooching off her financially and she realized he was dating her mostly for the prestige, so it didn’t last.

          I’m sure it’s similar if you’re a single female business exec, or the head of a bank, or a politician, etc.

    • anon

      I actually found the whole article kind of horrifying. ‘We want ladies to get ahead, look at all the efforts we’re making! But (eye-roll) all they care about is dating and losing weight!’

      • Aon

        I kind of got this feeling as well. Like there was a subtle sort of “we’re doing the best we can, but ‘dem ladies just keep screwing themselves” vibe. Sort of the same thing as “well it’s not our fault that women don’t progress as far as men, they take TIME OFF to HAVE BABIES!!!!!”
        Well, yes. That’s kind of how the human race was designed. Women actually have to give birth. Otherwise, none of you men would be here. You’re welcome. Let’s stop “Punishing” them for it now, shall we? Adam and Eve was a long time ago, if it happened at all.

      • Dr. Lyn

        Exactly. I thought it made the women at HBS look superficial and weak. I know that is my own interpretation, but again… I was shocked.

        Definitely wasn’t like that at Harvard Medical School, let me tell you….

  7. AIMS

    Mmm. This is very evening to me. I guess it could work as a festive wear, but I’d probably just stick to velvet for that. So few opportunities in life to wear velvet to work…

    • Anonymous

      I have a dark blue velvet blazer that I wear to work in the winter. Its not a very dressy shape and I feel like it “works” for work. Maybe it does not!

      • preg anon

        I have a velvet jacket I wear to work too. It’s a shorter velvet, if that makes sense, which makes it less dressy. It doesn’t read formal at all.

        • Anonymous

          That’s what mine is — a shorter jacket with a little kick pleat thing at the back (not sure this is the right name for it). Its J. Crew from about 3 seasons ago, but last year I bought a pair of the navy blue velvet toothpicks from J. Crew and they match perfectly. I wanted to rock the velvet suit last year (not to work), but I never had the right occasion to do so. Hopefully I can do it this year <—- (dream big!)

        • AIMS

          I didn’t mean that velvet cannot be worn to work, just that a lot of velvet things can be sort of borderline and those that are make great holiday party clothing. I have a velvet-ish schoolboy blazer from Jcrew that I wear all winter long and don’t think twice about it, but it doesn’t read all that festive unfortunately.

  8. Follow Up

    I had a very informal, informational meeting with an alum from my school today, basically seeking some advice into how transition legal fields. I want to send a quick thank you message to this person for taking a large chunk of their time to meet and for all the advice but not sure what to say beyond “thanks for meeting me, I really do appreciate it!” I’d also like to phrase it in a way that helps keep the door open to future contact… Any advice? What would you savvy ladies write?

    • ss

      How about something nice about the person’s professional standing/ achievement that made you seek her out as a more senior resource in the first place, then something to the effect that you appreciate her generosity with her time and interest, and finally something on “hope I may get in touch from time to time on how your advice is working out” ?

    • Sydney Bristow

      Did they give you any particular advice that you are going to put into practice or the names of people to contact? You could say that you’re planning to do that and then follow up once you’ve done it to let them know how it went.

  9. hellskitchen

    I often use clay-based masks for my combination skin. But I usually apply them on damp skin rather than completely dry skin because it’s easier to spread it all over. Does this make the mask less effective? My skin and complexion have gone for a toss post-partum and nothing I have tried so far has fixed the problem.

    • New Girl

      Before applying face masks, I’ll wash my face using my Clarisonic and then pat my face dry. I wait a few minutes before applying the mask. What I’ve found that works best for me is to let the mask dry completely and then go in for my shower. I let the steam work the mask further and then remove the mask with a washcloth.

      • hellskitchen

        I have never washed my face *before* applying a mask but I guess it makes logical sense to have a clean face so the mask can work better. I’ll give this a try. Thanks!

        • AIMS

          This is key. Also I find it helps to use a mild toner (I like witchhazel) after to make sure you get the mask off completely and then to use a gentle moisturizer on top. I think, in general, the milder everything you use it, the better. When my skin is acting up, using anti acne and similar products only makes it worse.

          • hellskitchen

            Thanks! I am realizing that I have been doing basic skincare quite wrong. I attributed the state of my skin to post-partum hormones but it’s been far too long for that excuse to work any more

  10. BB

    Ugh, just feel like I have to get something off my chest. I was late for a meeting this morning and did an unprotected left turn in heavy traffic sooner than I should have. I almost hit a cyclist in the crosswalk on the street I was turning into. Thankfully, I wasn’t going nearly fast enough to not be able to stop on time (no screeching tires or anything), but I still feel absolutely AWFUL that I could have really hurt someone. Cannot. Stop. Thinking. About. It. Ugh. :(

    • Dr. Lyn

      I think of those moments as a ….. “thank goodness…. I got a second chance” moments. Because you didn’t hit him, and stopped in time.

      Very stressful.

      FYI – the cyclist was also in the wrong. They should not be riding across pedestrian walkways. They should be in the street with you, waiting for the light. When you make turns you are subconsciously timing based on the speed of pedestrians…. not on a bike shooting through fast.

      That being said, you have to be prepared for anything, especially now that so many people are cycling to work (good) and do not follow the rules of the road (bad). And if you hit that cyclist, you would probably be liable. And it would really suck….

      Go outside and take a walk today.

      • Bonnie

        Actually in many places, cyclists are allowed on the sidewalks so the cyclist would have had the right of way. I do agree with your sentiment that OP should just be thankful. I’ve had those almost accident moments too and tried to use them to not rush so much and pay more attention.

        • Veronique

          I’ve seen cyclists move from road to sidewalk and back just to avoid the traffic rules (such as waiting at red lights) or completely ignore traffic rules (riding through red lights in the street). It’s a huge pet peeve of mine. If you want to share the road, then you should obey the rules of the road like everyone else. When I ride my bike, I decide whether I’m going to ride on the sidewalk or the road and then stick to the appropriate rules for a pedestrian or motor vehicle.

    • cb

      Ugh, that’s always the worst. I think it’s helpful to focus on ways you can prevent it from happening again rather than replaying it

      • BB

        Thanks (to all the repliers)!

        I do try to focus on how I could not do this again. In this case, I really should not trust my “you can totally make this unprotected turn before this car coming in the other direction gets to the intersection” judgement. I really should just wait until I’m 100% sure. I saved maybe like 2 minutes max doing this stupid move. The problem is that I’m one of those people that keep thinking “oh my god, what if I’d just changed this one thing?! Then this alternate outcome would have happened.” Definitely something I need to work on.

    • ss

      Consider it off your chest. These things happen. Everyone is ok. Next time you’ll be more alert.

    • NOLA

      My SO and I have both had a lot of stress recently and both have narrowly avoided accidents in the past couple of weeks. For me, it’s a wakeup call that I need to get out of my own head and pay attention to my surroundings. Sorry this happened!

    • Wildkitten

      Another way to think about it – You were driving a responsible speed so you were able to stop when another vehicle did something wrong? High five for you!

      • Susedna

        +1 to the silver lining, after acknowledging what could have happened.

        I really appreciate your outlook on life, Wildkitten!

    • Wannabe Runner

      Every time I narrowly avoid an accident, I have to pull over and wait about 5-10 minutes before I can continue on with my day. If I’m not physically shaking, I’m mentally shaken. It’s understandable to be freaked out.

      Once, in middle school, one of my math teachers spent the entire period telling us about how she almost hit a deer on her way to work that morning. I had her for 5th period, and I’m virtually certain she did the same thing in every class she had that day.

      This stuff freaks us out. You’re not alone. Take some time to process.

      • Anonymous Poser

        Sigh. I’m reading this site on my phone on accidentally hit “report”. So here’s another vote for a “Do you mean/want to report this comment?” prompt after someone hits the “report” button.

        I actually appreciate this comment. I narrowly missed hitting someone recently and was shaken up about it, too.

  11. basil

    RANT
    my-level-but younger-than-I-am male colleague (we’re both 3rd year associates at non-profit law firm; he is 27 and I’m 32) and I got into a minor tiff. Client we share; colleague sent me over a file. I realized it was actually work for outside counsel, not me. Let him know and sent him back the file. He wrote back: can’t you just do the copying for me and get it over to her? I said, “sorry, no. It would look ridiculous coming from me and I wasn’t even at the last appearance that this file relates to. You need to brief her and send it over.”

    I’m due to appear at the next appearance, and I told him I’d be glad to handle his issue as well (since the only thing left to do is confirm that outside counsel is taking care of it). He went to our managing partner to “confirm that I’m the one who should do it” and then let me know that fact. In other words, he “tattled” that we’ve been arguing over who should cover it.

    I am reeling. He is so tone-deaf, this is so gendered (“why not just do my annoying admin work for me?”). Basically, he is such a glassbowl (read for rhyme). There is nothing left to do but move on and silently judge his immaturity, but I’m furious.

    • Monday

      I was hoping people would offer suggestions about how to deal with this, because I have none but also would have been furious.

    • hellskitchen

      I am seething on your behalf. It’s possible that he framed the question to the managing partner to get the answer he wanted. If you go back to the partner to clarify things, you may look like the tattler. But if there’s any opportunity to casually check with the partner at a later date without referencing this situation, then the next time he tries to pull a stunt like this, perhaps you can call him out on it. Perhaps.

    • Wannabe Runner

      Do you guys have an admin? If not (you say you’re non-profit), then yes, it’s sexist to ask that you do this for him. But it also needs to get done.

  12. salt

    I’m returning from maternity leave to my job as a litigation associate in two weeks and am absolutely dreading it. I never liked my job that much, but made good money (primary breadwinner in my family), and it was pretty flexible. Now, though, I feel like I need something more substantial to leave her for. (I have no issues actually leaving the baby in someone else’s care–it’s more leaving her to do something I hate).

    I find myself kind of silently disappointed/angry in my husband for not being able to support us and putting the pressure on me to be the breadwinner. He always talks about how he has a job he loves, and “doesn’t work a day in his life” and tells me to just do the same. I want to scream, “YOU”RE WELCOME! That’s because I’m pulling down 6 figures and HAVE to worry about it, even if it means doing a job I don’t like as much.” I know this is s*itty, and I knew his income before we got married–didn’t expect this to change so much after baby.

    Any tips for a smooth transition? or getting rid of this bad attitude?

    • TBK

      No suggestions, just sympathy. I’m also the primary breadwinner, which I kind of always enjoyed. But lately I’ve just been really concerned about what happens if the three months of leave we’re planning on isn’t enough. It’s just a lot of added stress. Do you think there are other jobs out there that make enough money but that you’d like better? Can you and your husband brainstorm about how to rearrange finances to get by on less?

    • Another B

      I don’t know if this will help since I am not in your situation, but could you think: well, this is an easy way to make the money to support our family/the baby/save for her future needs, etc?

      Can you live on what you would make doing what you do love to do/feel is worth leaving your daughter during the day to do?

      I thought about how I wanted to try doing something fun like being a barista before grad school, but then realized I would make much more doing what I was trained/capable of even though I didn’t think it was “fun.” Not the same thing as your situation, but realizing that “fun” job would not be that fun for the short amount of time I would actually be doing it helped me be realistic about my time/priorities.

    • Mpls

      For the work transition – it’s a job. Go back, get in the groove, but start thinking about what would satisfy that “more substantial” itch you have now. What about the current job isn’t satisfying and what could you change (either in current job or at a new job) to remedy that.

      For the attitude – could you still down with H and look at your finances and see what could be done to ratchet down the expectations and commitments that make you feel like you need to pull in the money that you do. Maybe talk about how simplistic and patronizing it feels to have him tell you that your stress is an easy fix and why it stresses you to not be able to leave.

      It could be that it’s more stressful now that baby is here because you’ve got someone else to provide for – before you knew that you could at least support yourself, but now, all of sudden, you have a person that comes with lots of long term expenses and it’s feeling overwhelming to know that you can’t let her/him down.

      • Susedna

        Cosign all this. Very sound advice here, esp. With the husband getting more awareness about how his bragging about how much he loves his job isn’t helping. It’s salt in the wound.

      • Anon in NYC

        +1. I’ll echo what others have said about talking to your DH. I think you both need to reach an agreement on what your lifestyle is going to be. Maybe you could take a pay cut if both of you agreed to cut out luxuries (housekeeper, international vacations, Starbucks, organic meat, brand names). Maybe you have to take a smaller pay cut because you have savings goals, or travel goals, etc. I think it’s important that both of you know how much of your current lifestyle is being funded by your salary… and that perhaps your DH (and you) will have to sacrifice some personal comforts if you were to take a cut. Not saying that’s a bad thing, but it’s something that people are sometimes unwilling to give up.

    • Diana Barry

      You may also want to talk to your husband about how his attitude is not helpful to you and as a result, to the family. Does he realize that when he brags about how great his job is, it makes you feel bad (1) because your job is NOT so enjoyable for you and (2) because part of the reason he *can* enjoy his job so much and not worry so much about $$ etc. is because your job makes more $$? He should be supporting you in your job and/or try to help you figure out how to make a change that would lead to a better job for you, not just telling you to “just do the same”.

    • anon

      Reverse the genders in this scenario. Husband is primary breadwinner. Wife has low-paying job that she loves. When baby arrives, husband feels resentful that he can’t stay home with the baby and has to keep working to support the family in a job he doesn’t love, and resentful of the wife for not being able to support the family.

      I’m not even sure what point I’m trying to make – just thought it was an interesting thought exercise.

      • cbackson

        I feel like this is a situation that really frequently happens and often s*cks for men. But there’s an expectation that they won’t feel the pull of home and so there’s not much sympathy when they talk about it.

    • ss

      Hopefully the ladies who are working mums can offer good ideas for the transition but in the mean time, surely it’s ok to ask your hubby to pipe down a bit on the tactless comments while you get ready to head back to work ? Not the same thing as opening a can of worms about who wears the pants, just requesting a specific form of support for the difficult adjustment.

    • Em

      So I don’t know what your financial situation is, and I know things like student loans can seriously contemplate the equation. But here’s a question: do you need to make six figures? That average median household in this country is $50k. Plenty of families raise happy, successful, cared for children on less than six figures. What if you found a job you like better that makes mid five figures, possibly in a cheaper area? Sure, you’d have fewer luxuries, but are the material luxuries worth having a job you hate?

      • Anonymous

        This. My brother in law tried to tell me that making anything less than $200k is “not possible” if you have kids. Um, no. My parents made like $40k combined when I was growing up and I turned out fine.

        • anon

          Yeah, but if you made less, you might qualify for IBR or PAE. I don’t know because it depends on your husband’s income. But I think maybe what you’re hearing and what he’s saying aren’t necessarily the same thing. You hear essentially him being ungrateful that your sacrifice of doing something you hate allows him to do something he loves for less money.
          I think he might be trying to tell you that your happiness is more important than money, so he’s supportive of you finding something you enjoy more even if you make less. You guys need to talk about this. You’re resentful, and resentment is poison in a marriage. I’m not sure, if we’re being honest, how much the baby really has to do with it. You said you’re not upset about having to leave her with someone, it’s just leaving her for *this job*. Sounds more like perhaps you really didn’t realize how viscerally you hate your job until you had a break from it, and now your resentment towards your husband for ‘making’ you support the family has really ramped up.
          Except of course he isn’t ‘making’ you do anything, that’s just how we feel sometimes when we feel pressure. Lots of people get by on a lot less than a big law salary. In fact, lots of lawyers with student loans do, since the vast majority of attorneys DON’T work in big firms for over 6 figures. And lots of them have kids.

          Sit down with hubs and start figuring out what you can do to reduce the amount you need each month. Figure out if there’s something you can do to reduce your loan payments.

          Good luck!

      • KLG

        This. I was working in medium law making good money, wondering how anyone could possibly live on less, and hating every second of my job. Now I work for the gov’t making a salary I could have made a few years out of undergrad and my husband makes less than I do. We rely on my salary and benefits so I am the “breadwinner” so to speak. I have student loans and he has to pay child support. We have my stepdaughter 50% of the time and have been trying (albeit unsuccessfully as yet) to grow our family. Did I have to make some drastic lifestyle adjustments? Yes. A housekeeper is now a luxury of which I can only dream. Eating out means picking up a pizza or getting chinese takeout every now and then. I generally don’t buy new clothes unless I need to replace a specific item. But, I also don’t hate my job and have time to cook dinner and help my stepdaughter with her homework. We managed to buy a house and we have 3 months salary in the bank which we are slowly adding to. The first 3-6 months of adjustment to my new financial reality really sucked, but now, I don’t even think about it that much. When I have a bad day, I wish my husband made six figures and I could buy whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, so you’re definitely not alone in that. But for the most part, my new reality is much better than when I made great money and hated my job. Everything in life is a trade off and maybe you’ve now hit a point where the biglaw salary isn’t worth the tradeoff.

    • Anonymous

      No advice, but I am in the same situation and it sucks. Hope you find a solution that works for you and your family.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      I was in exactly this position when I went back to work after my first (only slightly less resentment towards my husband since he didn’t “love” his job). Two things that helped were to realize that (1) I didn’t really want to be a stay-at-home mom, I like working, just not in BigLaw and (2) start looking for another job. Because of the economy it still took a couple years to find something that was the right match (and do take the time to look for something that is a good fit), but the act of taking concrete steps like sprucing up my resume and reaching out to my network helped me realize that there were better options out there. I’m now in-house with a great team, an understanding boss and it was so much easier to come back to this job after I had my second child.

    • AIMS

      I agree that you should talk to your husband. Tell him that you’re glad he loves what he does but you don’t and you feel like it’s unfair that it is your income that is allowing your family to maintain its lifestyle. Then figure out together if you actually need to maintain it. Maybe you do, in which case you can either a) try to look for a job you would like more that would pay you enough to live the way you want (it may mean a paycut but a smaller one), b) view your job as a means to an end and try to be excited about the fact you have the compensation that allows you to maintain the lifestyle you want, or c) see if your husband could take a turn doing something that compensates him more even if he loves it less so that you can do the opposite for a change. I think the most important thing is to talk about it because otherwise you end up internalizing all the resentment and it just becomes worse.

      • AIMS

        I should add that I think that men are often given the message that they should be the providers for their family and thus they are able to take pride in being the breadwinners even if they don’t “love” what they do. They can get satisfaction from just being able to do it. I also think everyone now is being given the message that they should also be “fulfilled” by their careers which I think is leading to a whole lot of dissatisfaction for everyone, but especially women who rarely internalize the “be a breadwinner” message (I think the whole “love your job” ethos is also why we have so few kids going into STEM fields even though that is where the jobs are because everyone from an early age wants to be a writer or actor or sports agent or whathaveyou, but that’s another story). Anyway, I’m not sure how that helps OP’s problem, but sometimes being aware of the reasons for our unhappiness helps mitigate it.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          This times 1000. The “you can be whatever you want” is killing my generation and my brother’s generation. I think life was so much simpler when the message was “find a stable job you can be good at that makes good money.”

      • Hel-lo

        I agree with AIMS. Men feel a ridiculous amount of pressure to provide for their families. I never realized how important this is until I got married. Chances are, your husband has some feelings about this situation, too. Agree with all the advice to talk to him, and in general, always talk to him before resentment builds. Resentment is poison in a marriage.

        • Hel-lo

          Oh, and if anyone else is feeling resentment toward their husbands after having a baby, I highly recommend reading Project Happily Ever After. It’s about a really bad marriage that the wife works really hard to turn around. Even if your marriage isn’t that bad, it’s a great story about how we (as wives) can contribute to some of that bad juju in our marriages, and how to fix it.

    • Silvercurls

      If you decide you want to ratchet down your living expenses so that you can take a lower-paying job, start living as much as possible at your new target level and _bank the excess_. In this economy you may end up with many months of savings until you find a new position. Money is not the be-all and end-all of life, but it’s mighty nice to have an extra cushion for expected (retirement, college for children) or unexpected (car expires, family crises require out-of-town travel, child develops special needs requiring expensive services from professionals) reasons.

  13. MaggieLizer

    Wanted to report back because I thought some of you would appreciate this – I had a chocolate covered frozen banana for the first time over the weekend! It was a cash only place and I never carry much cash, but I figured, it’s one banana, how much could it cost? $10? I’d like to make some at home, but we don’t even really know the recipe. And fortunately it was the type of frozen banana that WON’T make you sick and kill you.

  14. anon

    eek! my boyfriend of almost a year and i had an informal conversation about our thoughts on living together before marriage this weekend.

    unfortunately we disagree. i have lived with two prior boyfriends, and it didn’t work out (for various reasons–mostly i did it because i was young, stupid and it was WAY cheaper than living on my own). now that i’m older, i’m against the idea because i want something to look forward to with marriage–living together beforehand sort of takes away the excitement of the next step. his point was that it will be important for him to test the water in a sense by a) becoming closer and showing a form of commitment before marriage and b) learning more about one another (like all of the annoying quirks that will inevitably come with living with someone). i care about him deeply, but i’m not really willing to compromise on this issue. thoughts? pros/cons? any other ladies have experiences with this that you might be willing to share?

    • Anonymous

      As someone who lived with my husband 3 years before marriage, I can chime in my opinion. Things still change when you get married. In our case, when we lived together before marriage we kept our finances completely separate– like roommates. When we married, we combined them. That was something that definitely changed and made me feel “married”! I also changed my name after marriage, and that helped to make it feel new and exciting. You could also move after marriage, get a pet together, or do something else that made the change feel “new” if you’re worried about that.

      • Anon

        Do not get a pet simply to feel like your relationship needs to be validated differently. That’s like advising someone to have a baby so it brings you closer.

        • Anonymous

          Obviously not! If you want one anyway, it could be something you save until you’re married.

      • AlaskaLaw

        Yes. I too lived with my husband before we got married for 2 1/2 years. As soon as we got married, it WAS different. I can’t even explain it, as we had already combined finances and I never took his last name. It was just…different. One fun thing I did was to move out back to my parents’ house for two weeks before the wedding, I could spend more time with my family and then it really did feel like I was changing homes even though I had lived with him for so long.
        I feel strongly about living together — so much so that when Teenage Daughter eventually decides to marry, if she does, I would really recommend that she live with him/her first for at least a year or so…

    • Veronique

      Maybe point him towards some of the studies that suggest that living together when you’re not sure if you want to make a lifetime commitment (as opposed to moving in after you’re engaged) may actually cause more harm then good? I can’t point to any articles off the top of my head, but I know it’s addressed in one of the relationship chapters of The Defining Decade, amongst other places. Are you completely opposed to living together before marriage or would you be ok with moving in after getting engaged or once you’ve both decided that you want to get married? That could be a reasonable compromise to both of your concerns.

      • Baconpanacakes

        I came to this conclusion even before the studies came out, and I’m glad it validated my decision. I just can’t see being that financially intertwined (lease + deciding on cable or not + getting rid of furniture, dishes, etc) with someone I’m emotionally involved in without the serious commitment that comes from marriage (or at least a plan to marry).

        Regarding testing the waters with living with someone, a good way to test is to just plan to alternate occassional full weeks or two at each other’s places. Clear out a drawer in your place, empty the fridge at his place, and give him a key. I had to stay with my SO for almost a month while I was between apartments, and it was great, but enlightening. But if you are committed to someone, the little quirks of living with that person (leaving towels on doors instead of towl racks, taking an obsessive amount of time to brush and floss every day) probably aren’t dealbreakers that will suddenly pull a new marriage apart.

      • Lyssa

        I know that you (the OP) said you’re not willing to compromise on the issue, but I agree with Veronique that living together after engagement is a good compromise. Personally, I’m not a fan of the idea of testing the waters or living together when you’re not sure if it’s a lifetime commitment or not – it just gets too messy to leave if needed and people get too complacent.

        • Veronique

          “Personally, I’m not a fan of the idea of testing the waters or living together when you’re not sure if it’s a lifetime commitment or not – it just gets too messy to leave if needed and people get too complacent.”

          This times a million! I’ve seen so many relationships where they live together for years out of convenience or because one person wants to get married and the other doesn’t or they finally do get married (because it seems like the right time or it’s convenient) and are divorced within a year or two. Personally, I have enough difficulty leaving a “too good to leave, too bad to stay” type relationship without the added complication of having to disentangle finances/housing!

    • Sydney Bristow

      With your previous boyfriends, did you guys break up for reasons that only became obvious because you were living together? Also, has he ever lived with a girlfriend? If not, he may be worried about not knowing what to expect and how to adapt.

      I’m biased because I currently live with my boyfriend and because I’m 100% sure that if my own parents lived together before marriage that they never would have married in the first place. Their horrible divorce and extended repercussions made me certain that I needed to live with someone before marriage.

    • Anon

      Do you mean you don’t want to live together before you are actually married — meaning you want to live apart for your entire engagement — or that you want to be engaged before living together? Personally, I feel very very strongly that I will not move in with someone until I am engaged, for a variety of reasons. I think breakups are tough enough without having to separate your stuff and losing your *home*, and if I move in with someone I want to know (as much as you can know these things) that it is forever. Also, I have seen many couples live together for years with the woman expecting marriage and the man just plodding along, until they break up and they’ve both lost 5 years of their lives but she might be too old to have kids and he can go off and find some 20-something and still have a family. As a 30-year-old who wants children, this is a real concern for me. I know from personal experience that you’re not engaged until you’re engaged, and all of the expectations/promises in the world don’t mean anything compared to actually taking that step. And with respect to your boyfriend’s concerns, I think by the time you’re in a very serious relationship you’re practically living together anyway, just in two houses–at least that’s the way it’s been for me. To the extent that there many be other issues that could be uncovered by actually living together, if it ends up being a disaster, you can break off the engagement. That would obviously be devastating, but no less so than a breakup after several years of cohabitation. If I’m not right for someone I would rather know it sooner than later, as painful as that might be. Especially at my age. Would saying you want to be engaged–but not married–before you move in together work as a compromise?

      • Susedna

        This. If you suffer from inertia, living w/ a bf only makes it harder to drop him if you reralize he’s not the one bc it means you also need to shift the living arrangements. It makes the too good to leave, too bad to stay problem worse.

    • Miz Swizz

      My husband is the only boyfriend I’ve ever lived with and neither of us is religious so it seemed pretty obvious to move in together before getting married. I’m so glad we did and I would recommend it to anyone who asks my opinion. Reasons I’m glad:

      1) we worked out a lot of our division of labor
      2) we got so much closer by living together
      3) we figured out our finances early on and are still very transparent in our spending habits

      My impression from my friends who didn’t live with their bf/fiance before marriage was that it was a little bumpy in the early days. You spend all this time planning and coordinating and then you have to move your stuff and learn to live with someone. It seems like a lot to deal with all at once. Also, I don’t think that living together before marriage diminished any of our excitement at getting married. We giggled at calling each other husband and wife and we got some really nice wedding gifts that we enjoyed adding to our home and getting rid of the towel he took with him to college but always kept or the grotty old baking pans I got from my parent’s house when I moved out.

      The bottom line for us is that we’re more practical than romantic so that’s how we approached making the decision.

      • MH

        This +1000 – particularly: “My impression from my friends who didn’t live with their bf/fiance before marriage was that it was a little bumpy in the early days. You spend all this time planning and coordinating and then you have to move your stuff and learn to live with someone. It seems like a lot to deal with all at once. Also, I don’t think that living together before marriage diminished any of our excitement at getting married.”

      • CKB

        But see, dh & I didn’t live together before we got married. And we achieved all 3 of these points shortly after being married. I don’t see these things as something that must be achieved by living together before getting married. Our wedding was quite small and planned over 4 months. Wedding planning didn’t consume my life like it does to some brides, which I’m sure had an impact, and, our choice to not live together was part of our religious beliefs, which also had an influence on our relationship.

        Bottom line, though, division of labour, getting closer, and financial learning will happen, regardless of if it’s before our after marriage.

    • L

      I’ll say this as a “pro” living together before you’re married. Two weeks isn’t going to cut it. I am a pain in the a** to live with (I think) and when I lived with my now fiance for 2.5 months at his apartment (in between places) I was still on my better houseguest behavior (not in terms of my day to day personality, but in terms of general slob behavior). We moved into our place and I resumed my normal living behavior. And guess what, so did he. Fights ensued, things were worked out and it all ended up fine.

      I wouldn’t have ever moved in with someone I wasn’t going to marry. But honestly, certain things are deal breakers for me and I needed to know that up front. If you have a solid relationship, no matter when you live together you will fight/have awkward moments/desperately wish for some “me” time and wonder how boys get bathrooms so dirty. But in the end it is worth it because you get to be with the person you love.

      And besides, leases force financial discussions (even if you’re not merging finances) which I always think is a good idea before marriage.

    • TBK

      We didn’t live together before marriage and I’m very glad. The first year was rough. We had real, serious fights. But they were so important. The big ones I remember were about how much we spend on Christmas gifts for relatives (I have about 15 members of my extended family I’ve always exchanged gifts with; he gave a gift to his mom and that was it, not even one for his brother), whether visiting parents stay in a hotel or our spare room, when we would start trying for a baby, and how we asked one another to do things around the house. I believe that if were just living together to test the waters, (1) we wouldn’t have gotten into such intense fights because it wouldn’t have mattered — we fought as hard as we did because we really, really wanted the marriage to work and so we really had to hash these things out; (2) we might never have actually had the fights in the first place because I know my approach at least would have been “well, if he won’t agree to buy gifts for my cousins, I can’t marry him so we’ll just break up.” Since we were already married, we HAD to make it work. So we did those fights and we figured that stuff out, and we’re really, really happy now. But I do think we had to be actually married and work through that stuff to get where we are now.

      • TBK

        Grrr. I need to stop saying “h@sh it out” because I always wind up in moderation. Reposting:
        We didn’t live together before marriage and I’m very glad. The first year was rough. We had real, serious fights. But they were so important. The big ones I remember were about how much we spend on Christmas gifts for relatives (I have about 15 members of my extended family I’ve always exchanged gifts with; he gave a gift to his mom and that was it, not even one for his brother), whether visiting parents stay in a hotel or our spare room, when we would start trying for a baby, and how we asked one another to do things around the house. I believe that if were just living together to test the waters, (1) we wouldn’t have gotten into such intense fights because it wouldn’t have mattered — we fought as hard as we did because we really, really wanted the marriage to work and so we really had to h@sh these things out; (2) we might never have actually had the fights in the first place because I know my approach at least would have been “well, if he won’t agree to buy gifts for my cousins, I can’t marry him so we’ll just break up.” Since we were already married, we HAD to make it work. So we did those fights and we figured that stuff out, and we’re really, really happy now. But I do think we had to be actually married and work through that stuff to get where we are now.

        • New Bride

          Agreed. I’ve been married close to 8 months now. We lived together about 4 months before he proposed.

          The first year of marriage is really really tough. There are tons of fights. (I foolishly thought that wedding planning was going to be the rough part. Nope.)

          It would have been easy to give up if we hadn’t already made such a huge commitment to each other.

          • L

            I’m sorry, I have to say marriage is a huge commitment. But that doesn’t mean that people who weren’t married would just give up. It depends on how serious your relationship is.

            I’m not accusing you of being smug, but I hate this idea that somehow a wedding changes everything. A marriage is about a bond between two people. You can have that whether or not you have a ring, a piece of paper, and a party. Some people don’t and that’s fine for them, but don’t discount people who are in a loving committed relationship just because they haven’t achieved a tax status.

          • TBK

            I’m not sure New Bride meant to discount people who aren’t married, and I know that wasn’t my intention. For myself, however, I have a hard line between married and not married (and by “married” I include people who aren’t permitted to marry in their state but who have nonetheless made a lifelong commitment to each other). Before I was married, I was decidedly NOT married. That meant that I had not vowed to stay with one person for the rest of our lives. I had not asked my family to welcome this person as one of our own, or to develop a lifelong relationship with him. I was still figuring that out. Once I decided that, yes, this was the person I was going to commit to, I married him. I intellectually understand that other people can be totally committed without married. But in my mind, before I was married I was single.

          • New Bride

            Oh, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t even thinking about how the marriage-no-marriage debate would affect those that can’t get legally married! How awful of me.

            A vow or commitment to spend your life together (and/or raise a family, and/or combine finances) would have the same effect as getting legally married in my comment above.

            Totally didn’t mean to exclude anyone! And I support marriage equality 100%. Just goes to show how inherently biased some of this language can be. I’m so sorry.

        • MH

          I’ve been married 2 years, lived with my husband for 3 years before we got engaged, and we’ve been together for 7 years. We decided to move in together at a natural transition point when both of us needed new housing. I’m so glad we lived together before getting married. We had a few kinks to work out, but by the time we got engaged we were sure that we were a good match and could handle anything.

          When we got married the transition was seamless. There was no tough first year of marriage because we had already gotten through our initial difficult fights. We still argue, but none of our arguments have the intensity or fear associated with those early fights because ultimately we are confident that we can work things out. There was still a freshness to getting married, especially knowing that we had ironed out the wrinkles in our relationship and were going in with our eyes wide open, knowing that we had the strength to handle whatever come our way.

          I know that we will have to deal with new problems, and that our marriage will go through a number of different phases that will seriously test us, but I’m glad that at least the issues related to living together are dealt with.

          Maybe it depends on your age. If you have a deadline that you’re trying to hit because of wanting to have children, then you might need to speed things up. But, I kind of read those other comments to say that you shouldn’t move in together until you’re engaged or married, because then you’re locked and you have to just make it work. I suppose that’s one way to do it. But, if your relationship isn’t working once you move in with each other, already being married isn’t going to make a huge difference. If you’re unhappy and incompatible, then being already legally committed to each other isn’t going to be much of a remedy.

    • cbackson

      I think this is an issue you don’t compromise on – it sounds like he thinks it’s essential to deciding if he wants to be with you for the long term, and you think the commitment needs to come first. Personally, cohabitation as a dating couple isn’t for me – I’m not interested in moving in with someone unless we’re engaged or married. But I know people who feel like it’s essential. I think it’s a difficult gap to bridge, because it’s rooted in fundamentally incompatible ideas about what living together does and should mean.

    • ITDS

      a) becoming closer and showing a form of commitment before marriage

      This is what becoming engaged does. Then you can move in together and hopefully have few months to sus each other out before any non-refundable deposits are made for the wedding. Does he think that as soon as he proposes you’ll be on your way to the court house, so he’d better live with you before proposing in case you turn out to be crazy?

    • lawsuited

      Living together isn’t as “exciting” as you may imagine. It’s difficult, and I think you want to do your due diligence before signing up to do it forever. DH and I lived together for 3 months (during our engagement) before getting married just because of the way leases worked out (I was actually very against living together before we were married, which seems hilarious to me now). I am still so grateful we had those 3 months to take the edge off but we would have had an easier time of it if we’d lived together longer before being married. Our relationship dynamic changed a lot once we got married, and we were still dealing with “What, you just leave dirty clothes all over the floor ?” and “Wait, you go to the grocery store to pick up twizzlers and diet coke but don’t check/ask if we need bread or milk?” which made the first year of our marriage very difficult.

    • Hel-lo

      “Also, I have seen many couples live together for years with the woman expecting marriage and the man just plodding along, until they break up and they’ve both lost 5 years of their lives but she might be too old to have kids and he can go off and find some 20-something and still have a family.”

      This nails it on the head.

      Many guys move in with women to shut them up about a wedding, or to postpone the conversations about getting married. Because the dudes aren’t ready to commit.

      If your guy is “testing the waters”, and isn’t sure he wants to be with you for the rest of his life, then it’s not worth moving in with him.

    • KinCA

      This is a tough one. I’ve been living with my BF for 9 months now and it’s gone fabulously, but I do remember going back & forth on the “should we do it now or wait till we get married?” question. My boyfriend was adamant that he wanted to live with someone before he married them; I could have gone either way.

      We ended up doing it and I’m so glad we did. We had a few very serious conversations prior to moving in about what it meant for us as a couple, and both of us were very clear on the fact that if it went well, we’d be engaged in the next 12-18 months. I think that helped take some of the ambiguity out of the situation for both of us.

      I’ve also noticed that my boyfriend has seriously warmed up to the idea of marriage since we’ve moved in together. It’s not that he wasn’t on board before, but the idea of marriage very clearly made him nervous. Now, he talks about marriage openly & like it’s something he’s looking forward to, something that’s a given for us. It’s really sweet to see, and I think living together made him much more comfortable with the idea of marrying me. He’s even told me that we’ll be going to look at rings before year end, which is exciting.

      Long story short – living together pre-marriage is working for us, but I think the fact that we determined what it “meant” to us as a couple had a lot to do with it.

      • MH

        I want to revise my earlier comment and basically just agree with everything KinCA said. It’s different for every couple, and every partner will approach these steps of the relationship in different ways. Communication is key and every relationship is different. Talk things through with your partner and do what you feel is best for you.

      • OP Here

        Agreed with everything. After reading through all of these, I think he and I just need to be clear on what moving in together means. I think that if we both agree that it’s a pre-condition to marriage and that we’re both actively planning on becoming engaged/married soon after moving in, then I’d be completely fine with it.

        I was scared that it would just make marriage sort of uneventful, but thanks to all of your comments, I get that that’s not really a fair assessment.

  15. Food gift basket suggestions?

    Looking for some advice from the hive. I have a few close friends who will be having babies in the next couple of months. I would like to send some sort of food basket that they and their families can enjoy when they get back home. I know Harry & David is a favorite (any specific favorite items?), but does anyone have other recommendations? Thanks in advance!

    • Famouscait

      I can eat my weight in H&D chocolate covered blueberries and MooseMunch (any variety).

  16. Well.Shoot.

    I just found out today that I didn’t get a position I applied for that I really really wanted and I think I would have been very well suited for.

    It’s in academia and the board that reviewed the proposal I wrote ranked me first and everyone told me it was pretty much a sure thing and so I was so sure I would get it, but it turns out the committee that actually makes the hires though the board of professors hadn’t placed sufficient importance on grades, so long story short I basically didn’t get this because of some mediocre grades from the one semester in undergrad when I had taken on too much and then ran into some personal stuff on top of that.

    I want to be angry, but mostly I’m just so incredibly sad and for some reason my bf and all my close friends and family are out of town and I just wish I had someone here to comfort me.

    Sorry this is all really messy and whiney but I just needed to get it out. Ahhh.

    • Avodah

      I’m so sorry. Academia is grueling. Academic job market is grueling-er. Take the afternoon of applications and work off, get some exercise, watch TV, whatever makes you happy.
      There are more jobs, and you will be great at them.
      PS- Some of the most successful academics I know had horrible undergrad grades!

      • Well.Shoot.

        Thank you, that is very kind of you and every little bit of cheering up helps. I’m going to make some soup and maybe drink some wine and probably get through a month’s worth of old Daily Show episodes. (with the occasional crying bout thrown in)

        Sigh. I just feel so demotivated because I was ranked top on my proposal and got very good feedback on stuff I’ve previously written and then it just comes down to old grades I can’t do anything about, which just feels so incredibly frustrating.

  17. Shopaholic

    Can we talk about fall/winter jackets ladies? I’m looking for something new but not sure what exactly. Probably something wool. Is there anything someone is coveting? I know this is insanely general but just wanted to see some suggestions!

  18. NewSuitBuyer

    Hi all. I’ve spent most of my career in a business casual setting and am now switching to business formal. Unfortunately I know practically nothing about suits. This is probably a very stupid question, but what should you look for when determining whether a suit jacket fits well? I’m planning to buy off the rack and then have it tailored, but I still want it to fit decently when I initially make the purchase. If it matters, I am a petite pear shape.

    • BB

      The shoulders need to fit (i.e., not stick out the sides of your shoulders or end too close towards your neck. Pretty much everything else (except length) can be tailored, assuming you get one with enough room to do so. You can have the waist nipped in, sleeves shortened, even the back taken in if the shoulders fit.

    • me too

      Same boat here, down to new business formal job and even body type. I’m trying to find suits that don’t make me feel like I’m wearing a costume, and I’ve noticed that a shorter jacket really helps with proportion.

    • Mpls

      First look for fit through the shoulders – because the armholes will be one of the hardest things to get tailored corrected. The armhole seam should not extend out past your shoulder, or sit to far in on your shoulders. The fabric should line flat across your back between the shoulders.

      Look at sleeve length – the sleeve hem should sit between the bone of your wrist and fleshy part at the base of your thumb. Check to see how it looks with your arms at your side and when bent at the elbow. If there is a placket at the hem (with buttons and button holes), it’s going to be harder/more expensive to get the length adjusted.

      You probably want to go with a shorter jacket style, so that you don’t have to deal with fitting the change in size between your waist and your hips. Check to see how the fit looks with the jacket buttoned and unbuttoned. A one-button suit with a higher placed buttoned (or a two button suit with only the top button buttoned) are probably your best bets.

  19. IUD

    Freaking out a little bit here – I have an appointment to get an IUD inserted this afternoon (mirena), and last night I foolishly googled and am now incredibly worried that my already sensitive cervix is going to be inflamed, irritated, and so angry with me that lady garden parties will be completely off the table. (Highly effective birth control!)

    Apparently my lady garden well is rather shallow to begin with, thus occasional sharp pains during LGPs to begin with (my gardener’s hose is generously sized).

    Please tell me if I’m freaking out over a very small chance, and share any advice regarding questions to ask/precautions to take! Eep!

    • Wildkitten

      Be prepared to be uncomfortable for the rest of the afternoon, but you’ll be fine tomorrow. Take advil today.

    • anon

      Ask for a topical anesthetic before the insertion. I also made the mistake of googling about the procedure before and was so nervous I told the doctor to let me know when he was about to insert it because I was afraid I’d flinch and it would hurt more. A minute later he said “OK, done.” I never felt a thing and didn’t have any cramping/issues afterwards either.

    • Anonymous

      I have an appointment for one on Wednesday morning and am in the same freaking-out boat (I did way too much googling in the past month and a half).

      I keep telling myself – basically, hang in there, it will be ok. Its a half day of uncomfort for what is potentially 5 years of highly effective and low-effort birth control is well worth it.

    • Veronique

      Mine was pretty much painless going in. I had some cramping (like really bad period cramping, not omg I’m gonna die) on and off over the next few days, but for the most part it was fine. I got it over a year ago and love it. No problems and almost no period!

      • CKB

        This. I’ve had 3, and would still have one if dh didn’t have the big V a few years ago. LOVED my IUDs. The short term discomfort during insertion was so, so, so worth it for me. Good luck!

  20. SoCalAtty - for Mary Ann Singleton

    I wanted to answer your question on how many times I get out to ride but put it over here so you might see it!

    At the barn I’m at now, about 3x a week – Thursday early before work, and Sat/Sun. At the new place it will be a longer drive, so only Sat/Sun to start. I’ve only been at this company since February though, and we are allowed to work from home (in moderation), so starting next year once I’m more comfortable, I think I will start working from home every other Monday.

    The new location has a new barn under construction that is almost done. There are a lot of working adults that ride there, so they are putting in a lounge with wireless for us to work from! That way I’ll be alternating 2/3 days a week. On the days I don’t ride, I either spin or go to the gym and do 30 mins cardio / 30 mins weights. If I can keep this up for 6 months I’ll probably be in pretty good shape!

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      Nice! I would love to have a lounge with wireless at my barn – that way I could ride in the morning and do some work while waiting for traffic to get better. (Crazy what we do to keep up with our hobbies.) I’m aiming for 4 days a week, possibly 5 when I have the horse closer to work (where, theoretically, I could even sneak out to ride at lunchtime if work is quiet).

      • SoCalAtty

        I wish there were barns (with good trainers) that close to work! I think it is pretty absurd that I live right next to an equestrian center that holds Grand Prix jumper qualifiers, and has a nice big indoor, but all of the “big name” higher quality trainers are at least 30 minute from there :( It’s a function of the facilities owners not keeping it nice enough to support the bigger training/show barns, I think. Really too bad.

        5 would be amazing! The most progress I made was the year I was unemployed, and I rode my horse 5 days a week and would help my trainer by doing the exercise rides for other horses, so I was riding 3-4 day. Talk about a weight loss plan! Alas, I had to go back to work to pay for it.

        Maybe 4-5 days will be my long term goal. Next year, add every other Monday…six months later, add a “late” day and work from barn and come in later. Hmm….you’re right, the things we do….

      • L

        Just to add, have you explored a wireless aircard? You might be able to do this for cheap and be able to ride more…

        • SoCalAtty

          I looked into it, but at the current place I’m at I’d have to basically sit in the dirt and noise, because there isn’t any place to sit and work. I’m currently at a public facility with a trainer, and I’ll be moving to one where the trainer also owns the facility, so much less commotion.

          When I was at a private facility before and it was nice and quiet, I broke all kinds of rules more than once by taking a court call from horseback :)

  21. Pepper

    TJ: Can I just tell you all how happy I am?! I was stuck in a way too expensive lease when my marriage fell apart last year, and this weekend I moved! I found a great 1-bdrm that was already converted to a 2, so the little guy and I still have our own rooms.

    It’s not something to brag too much about because I’m still a while away from having my finances fixed, but I’m so excited about this step and wanted to share.

    P.S. Sometimes commenter, trying out a handle.

  22. Extra Payments on Federal Student Loans?

    Does anyone know if it is possible to direct extra payments to a specific loan (i.e., my highest-interest unsubsidized Stafford?). I know that it is impossible to have automatic monthly payments to just this loan, but can I do it monthly online? Or will I always have to call? Any knowledge appreciated (you’d think I’d be able to figure this out on the website, but no luck so far…).

    • Brant

      Yes, you absolutely can. It varies by lender (I’ve had several over the years, they all allow it–you just have to set it up).

    • Anne Shirley

      I’ve always had to call. I wait for my regular payment to clear, then make an additional payment online, wait a week for it to be applied to my account, then call and have them change it. Then call again when they do it wrong. It’s always frustrating.

    • Sydney Bristow

      It might depend on your lender. Granite State is my lender and when I login to my account and go to make a payment I have the ability to enter specific amounts for each loan.

    • Extra Payments on Federal Student Loans?

      Thanks all. Anne Shirley, this is kind of the scenario I am expecting/dreading…

    • Ainsley

      All of my loans are serviced by Great Lakes, and I can go online to adjust my monthly payment for each individual loan.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think you can make less than the minimum under the payment plan you’ve selected though, can you? I.e., if OP’s payments are $50, $50, and $100 on Low interest Loan A, Medium Interest Loan B, and High Interest Loan C, she can’t say “apply all $200 to C.” But with Great Lakes you can definitely opt to increase C’s monthly payment without changing A or B, or make one-time payments to C. I do the one-time payments but always make myself do it on the same day as my auto payments. I just like the flexibility of it not being automatically scheduled in case something happens to me and I can’t change it in time and need that extra money.

  23. MOH

    I feel kind of terrible for even asking this, but any suggestions on writing a wedding toast for someone you’re not particularly close to?

    My little sister is getting married this weekend & I’m her maid of honor. It’s really sweet that she asked me to participate in her wedding, but honestly we haven’t been close since we were very little. We’re very close together in age, and during our teens/early twenties, we had a seriously rocky relationship. Now that we’re older, we’ve patched things up and are pleasant to each other, but we’re not like the BFFs kinds of sisters, and likely never will be.

    While I feel honored that she asked me to have such a significant role in her wedding, I am seriously struggling with what to write for a toast. We’re friendly now, but it’s not like I know her extremely well as an adult. My main good memories with her are from when we were very little kids. I’m also not 100% on board with this entire wedding (no one in either our family or his family is, but there’s not a lot that can be done at this point), which complicates things further.

    Any ideas/suggestions/words of advice are appreciated.

    • TBK

      What about asking some of her close friends (the other bridesmaids?) for stories about your sister in her late teens/early 20s and then working them into a toast? Maybe based on a theme or in response to questions, like “what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen my sister do” or “what’s the sweetest thing my sister has ever done for you?” I’ve heard this done effectively by sister or cousin MOHs who got college stories from bridesmaids and used them to talk about how the bride has changed from the little girl they grew up with to the young woman now getting married.

    • Rosalita

      Or interviewing the groom if you can? What does he like about her? (Chances are, things he likes about her are probably similar to positive attributes your family sees in her.)

      I went to a wedding recently where most of the toasts were about the first conversation the bride had with the speaker about the groom, like “how she knew he was the One.” Those were cute. How did your sister tell you about this guy, and what emotions does she portray when she’s talking about him?

      You could also just say great stuff about your sister – things you admire about her. And that she’s been sweeter or more gentle since he’s been around (if it’s true).

    • Anon in NYC

      My husband had to give a toast for his brother, and is not at all close with him. We ran the gamut of ideas (what have famous authors said about love?), and in the end my husband talked about how when his brother was young he had a paper route and he took his responsibilities very seriously, and he knew he would apply those same qualities to his marriage.

      So, my suggestion would be identify a good quality about your sister from your childhood and find a way to put a marriage spin on it. If you can identify a good quality about her fiance from their relationship (perhaps a way in which he makes her better: more patient, more kind, more adventurous, grounds her, etc.), even better.

      And maybe this is just my semi-cynical/sappy side: even if you’re not completely on board with the wedding, you just have to suck it up. I have gone to some of friends weddings thinking that there was a distinct possibility that their marriages could fail for whatever reason, and I’ve showed them as much love as I possibly could on their wedding day, and I’ve 100% supported their marriages, and I do all of this because I’m their friend and IF their marriages fail I want to be able to be there for them and I want them to know that I am. I think if you think about it this way and whether you’d want to be there for your sister if her marriage were to fail, it might help your writers block.

      • TBK

        Also, I know I’ve been to several weddings I’ve thought weren’t the best idea, yet those couples are still going strong! Meanwhile, couples who seemed “perfect” are divorced. You never know.

    • KLG

      Remember, that you don’t have to go on and on. You can basically just say that you’re honored to be her maid of honor and able to celebrate their wedding with all of her closest family and friends, tell quick story from when you were young and close, say she looks beautiful today, and that you wish her and the groom nothing but the best and hope that they have a long and happy marriage (even if you’re not on board, you still hope for the best!). You can always throw in a quote/song lyric about love or marriage to lengthen it.

      • Moonstone

        I think this is perfect, especially if you add the suggestion from Anon at 1:59 (below) to welcome the groom to the family. I know saying this makes me sound like an old crank, but wedding toasts are far too long nowadays. You don’t need to talk for more than five minutes, and it only needs to be that length because the other toasters will probably ramble on for ten and you don’t want to look too short in comparison. Practice out loud in front of a mirror at least twice to check the time.

    • Anon

      I had to do the same thing for my sister. I talked about some favorite childhood memories. I tried to think of a sweet one, a funny one, and one that was a little bit like telling on us without too many details–getting into and out of trouble together…My sister is a teacher so I also talked about how proud I was of her for all her academic accomplishments and what an amazing teacher she is. Blah blah blah. I also gave some generic wedding advice at the end and welcomed the groom to the family (and made a joke about how he fits right it due to his sense of humor). Anyway, the whole thing was pretty generic, but I got lots of compliments afterwards and made my sister cry.

    • Calibrachoa

      When I toasted my sister at her wedding I spoke about how despite the age difference and the distance – at that time, she’d lived on a different continent for 12 years – she was important to me and how happy i was for her and other stuff I do’t really remember…. and then told her brand new husband that if he ever hurt her they’ll never find the body. *facepalm* I don’t recommend the last part, even if everyone did laugh.

  24. Lyra Silvertongue

    After finding out on Friday night that I didn’t get offered an associate position I really wanted, I did a little retail therapy this morning. Totally illogical, since money is tight and I still haven’t received anything from unemployment even though I’ve been laid off for six weeks. Anyway, I bought myself a gorgeous dress at an Elie Tahari outlet. 2 questions related to the brand:

    1) Do the stores typically keep “large” sizes in the back and only put 0s and 2s on the floor? Not going to lie, was a bit perturbed when the SA said they keep my size in the back.

    2) Does this brand run rather small? When trying on things, I was taking a full size or two bigger than my “normal” size.

    The only Tahari I have is from Macy’s, and I know that’s technically a different line w/lower price points than the actual ET stores.

    • marketingchic

      My experience with Elie Tahari dresses is that I have to size up 1-2 sizes. Boo! I know size is just a number, but that’s a shopping buzz-kill.

      • Bonnie

        Ditto. I usually go up 1-2 sizes for Elie Tahari. It would not shock me if they kept larger sizes in the back. It seems like a lot of designers only begrudgingly make “larger” sizes.

    • UT

      I usually find them to be true to size, but randomly some styles run very large or very small. I have several dresses, and I absolutely love them. They wear very well. As for keeping sizes in back, I think they generally keep a handful of each style up front, and a much larger stock in back. I haven’t ever really noticed a trend with up front items being limited to specific sizes.

    • z.

      For the Elie Tahari line (not the T by Tahari or the other versions), I have to go up 1 full size from DVF, Trina Turk, Kate Spade, Hugo Boss, etc., and 2 sizes from J Crew, Banana Republic, Gap, etc. And I’d love to say that it doesn’t get in my head, but it does and I always think twice about having to buy a bigger size from Elie Tahari.

  25. LilyB

    I bought two things from Zara and was hoping to get some suggestions on how to wear them. Links to follow. The first item is a pair of suede boots, flat, with an interior wedge, in a sort of taupe color. The second item is a shift dress, very mod looking, but not sure what shoes to pair it with. Knee high boots? The only ones I own are my frye melissa boot in a brown-burgundy color (I think it’s called bordeaux).

    Thanks ladies!

      • Susie

        Is the dress as short on you as it is on the model? If so I’d probably wear with black tights and black shoes – either pumps/mary janes or ankle boots (I’d personally go with something more refined than as styled) depending on where you’re wearing it to. If it’s longer on you I’d just wear with either black pumps or colored pumps with a similar colored accessory.
        The books I’d wear with skinny jeans a white tee and fun necklace.

        • LilyB

          I’m 5’4 (albeit with an hourglass figure, which I feel like makes things shorter on me) so it’s longer on me than on the model, but I would still consider it a short dress (maybe 4 inches above my knee).

      • zara boots?

        I love these boots! Do they seem comfortable? Any weird sizing issues?

        • anon

          they are pretty comfortable, but heavy… not sure if that will bother me once I start wearing them. they fit true to size but take a little longer than usual to get on (you can avoid this by un-doing the button at the ankle before you put them on).

    • Blair Waldorf

      Love these!

      For the boots, I think those would look great with tights and a dress or skirt, or dark skinny jeans and whatever you want to wear on top. They can work with everything!

      The shift dress can also be paired with boots and tights. You could probably wear your frye boots with it. I think black flat boots would look great and that would be my first choice for styling. You could also do flats with the dress. Flats in a color would be very cute.

  26. anon for this

    I know this is later in the thread so I might repost, but I am really struggling today. I have a major deadline tomorrow, and feel overwhelmed enough trying to deal with that…and I just found out that a vacant position in my department will be filled by the person who made my life hell while I was training. She was on her way out for an assignment in another office, and while technically she did everything she needed to do to train me for my position, she was just AWFUL to work with: she was incredibly passive-aggressive, and rolled her eyes every time I asked questions about nitpicky procedures, even though she told me I needed to keep asking questions because there was no way I was capable enough to learn them myself. She has undermined me in emails to my boss since she headed out for her assignment (e.g., “Boss, I’m cc-ing you, because I don’t know if anon for this is capable of doing [routine task that she trained me in and watched me do, start to finish, 10 times].”) One time we sat in silence for 50 minutes straight, assembling folders for clients, because every time I attempted to start conversation (about anything! work! her experiences with the organization! advice she had for me! our weekend plans!) she would glare and snap out a monosyllabic response.

    I don’t even know what I’m asking for, here. Maybe just venting. I just cried in the bathroom because I was already so worried about my deadline, and the thought of having to deal with this, too, is just making me want to throw up and hide under my desk.

    • anon for this

      Oh, and there is absolutely no way for me to avoid working very closely with her. We have a very small department and will have overlapping responsibilities.

    • Hel-lo

      Get your deadline task done… and then start looking for another job. It sounds like this woman is a company favorite.

  27. Susedna

    Earlier this morning, while I was in the bathroom (in a stall, so I didn’t see who was speaking), I overheard a woman tell her colleague to read this site and Cap Hill Style for outfit ideas.

    I’m delighted that my hunch that there were other this-site-readers at my workplace was correct!

    Anybody else have coworkers that read this site, too?

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