ByKat Hours Updated
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Weekend Open Thread

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Sales of note for 4/24/25:

  • Nordstrom – 7,710 new markdowns for women!
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  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off
  • Boden – 25% off everything (ends 4/27) (a rare sale!)
  • The Fold – Up to 25% off
  • Eloquii – Spring Clearance: Up to 75% off + extra 50-60% off sale
  • J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Up to 60% off sale styles + up to 50% off summer-ready styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance + extra 15% off $100 + extra 20% off $125
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – 3 pieces for $198. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Friends & Family Event: 30% off entire purchase, includes markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

264 Comments

  1. Does anyone have a recommendation for a fee only Boston based financial advisor?

    1. I haven’t actually used him myself – but Michael Hebert at First National Corporation is a very good person and I believe they’ll negotiate fee only arrangements – but I don’t know too much about how it all works or if he does precisely what you’re looking for – but I thought I’d throw it out there.

  2. Bay area women:

    Meet-up on Saturday, September 28th, 1pm at Vino Locale in Palo Alto with January!

    2. I loved that place, and I’m so excited to meet January IRL! I will be there with bells on! ;o) {literally}

  3. A family member was killed in my city last night in a car crash where the other driver was a repeat DWI / reckless driving / driving without a license offender. My head is spinning and I haven’t been able to work all day.

    Have any of you had this happen? Did you go to the court proceedings? Stay away? I drive by the street where this happened on a regular basis, as will his mother (his siblings have moved away, so it’s just his mother and my immediate family here).

    I just way to scream and cry. And this is the south, so there is a casserole to bring by the house for when my cousins get here later today.

    1. I am so sorry. I don’t think you have to decide right now whether to attend the proceedings. Perhaps the prosecutor’s office has a list of support resources for victims of a crime and their families.

    2. I am so sorry. I have no advice but my thoughts are with you and your family.

      1. This may not be helpful at the moment, but a good friend of mine lost her brother about 10 years ago when he was hit by a drunk driver. A few years ago my friend started volunteering with MADD and really gets a lot out of it. She travels to high schools to speak at assemblies about her brother and also works DUI checkpoints with the police. I think it has helped her heal from the loss because she is trying to use her horrible experience to help prevent others from going through it.

        1. Please consider contacting MADD – their victim services are free for you or any member of your family and they will help you navigate the criminal justice system as well as your own thoughts and feelings about this senseless tragedy. I am so very sorry for you and your family.

          1. You can call 1-877-MADD-HELP to get immediate help in talking this through or in finding victim resources.

    3. All my sympathy is with you. And if you feel like crying and screaming, go ahead and do that (okay, after you leave work). Hugs.

    4. I’m so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I have been in your situation. My father was killed by a repeat drunk driver. The guy was a repeat offender, had numerous prior charges and convictions, no license. That night, a random Thursday around 7:30, my dad and another driver (also a father) were killed when the DD crashed into their cars. The DD survived.

      The DD pled guilty shortly before the scheduled trial. I went to the sentencing. The creepy part came after. My family was gathered in the parking lot and I looked him square in the eyes as he was escorted to the car to be taken back to jail. The “accident” was in 2004. He was just denied parole for the second time last month. I made a statement at the last hearing, but just submitted a written statement for this last round. Due to time served/good behavior credits/working/attended AA, he will be out by the end of 2015 at the latest.

      The prosecutor’s office should have a victim’s advocate who can advise you and your family. I live 300 miles away from my hometown, but my step-mother and my aunt met with the prosecutor, checked in with the advocate constantly, etc. I think those things made a difference in how the case was handled (as a crime instead of as an accident). And I really think our statements to the parole board are the only reason he’s still in prison today.

      Again, I’m very sorry for your loss.

    6. I’m so sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you and your friends/family as you process this.

    7. Unfortunately, yeah I’ve been there. My Dad was killed 3 years ago in October by a driver who had been drinking. The police did not do a blood alcohol test on the driver, but they smelled alcohol on his breath. Because of that, he didn’t have criminal charges brought against him. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have gone to court proceedings. I want justice, but I want to heal more.

      It was really hard to continually drive by the spot where he was killed; but it’s inevitable. The first few weeks, we cried hard every time we were even near that area. Three years in, we still feel the effects of losing him. We were an extremely tight knit family, and it has strained even our family.

      All I can say is that eventually you deal with the pain better, but I wouldn’t say it’s lessened for me. You just learn to cope better. I’ll always miss him, I’ll always cry, I’ll never feel whole again at family gatherings…but you just learn to live again somehow.

      I’m really sorry you’re going through this. If I had my way, no one would ever drink and drive; but we all know how unrealistic that is. You’re in my prayers.

      1. I’m so sorry for you, the OP and LoudyTourky. When I read LoudyTourky’s comment I wondered how it could that be that in America a person could kill two people and be free in only about ten years, but this is even worse.

        I lost my father 10 years ago to an accident (not a car accident). What you described in your second to last paragraph is very close to what I went through, too. I’m not where I was three years after his accident, and I’ve accomplished a lot in the last ten years, but even now that pain is there. I agree that you learn to go through life with it. It’s like learning how to walk with a limp.

        1. Pest that’s the best I’ve ever heard it described – learning how to walk with a limp. I’ve lost my 3 closest family members (mom, grandma, father in law) in the last 4 years. Father in law was an accident (not DUI or care, but sudden) and, 4 years later, it is still really tough.

          OP – you’re absolutely entitled to go scream and cry. If you seriously need a break, go out to your car. I used my car to hide in a lot those first years. Use the MADD services as well, they are really great.

          My mom was the drunk driver in my case, and it was me she almost killed, when I was a baby. Luckily she didn’t hit anyone else, and her license was revoked never to be returned.

    8. Sympathy and condolences. This is awful for you and your family. We’re here if you need to vent online.

    9. I am so sorry. I have no experience with drunk driving deaths, but I did lose my Dad when he was way too young to go. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel or what to do, including urging forgiveness or peace before you’re there (which you may never be). I’m glad others here can relate more directly and have specific suggestions. Hopefully in time you can figure out what will help you and loved ones.

    10. Oh no, that is so sorry. Give yourself time to make decisions like that, and you only have to decide one at a time. One day at a time/One moment at a time applies here. And even then, I know it is really really hard to make each one. I wish I could say something that would make it better, but I am sending lots of sympathy and {Internet Hugs} and please come back here if you ever feel like you need to talk about it, or scream, or cry, or anything.

    13. I am so sorry. There should be a victims advocate who will be in contact with his wife, but it may be difficult for you to get a hold of her/him at first. I would suggest reaching out to an organization like MADD in the interim. It sounds like there is a lot of shock and grief in your “voice.”

      HOTLINE:
      In case you need to speak with someone immediately 24/7 get in contact with a counselor by phone 24/7 by calling call MADD’s Victim/Survivor Helpline at 1-877-MADD-HELP (877-623-3435).

      E-MAIL:
      Send us an e-mail at Victims@MADD.org and we will respond as soon as possible.
      – See more at: http://www.madd.org

    14. HOTLINE:
      In case you need to speak with someone immediately 24/7 get in contact with a counselor by phone 24/7 by calling call MADD’s Victim/Survivor Helpline at 1-877-MADD-HELP (877-623-3435).

      E-MAIL:
      Send us an e-mail at Victims@MADD.org and we will respond as soon as possible.
      – See more at: http://www.madd.org

    15. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I really don’t have any advice but wanted to extend my condolences.

    16. I am very sorry to hear about this tragedy. It is all too common.

      I was nearly killed by a drunk driver. My father is now paralyzed after a separate incident with a reckless driver, who the cops didn’t even check for substance use and lost the paperwork.

      The person who hit me was a business man that had been out at a Red Sox game entertaining clients, followed by drinks and steaks. A day of drinking. He T-boned me on my birthday, blocks away from the hospital where I was in training to be a physician. He was so drunk he had difficulty standing. None in his car were injured.

      I went to his court appearance months later, which I learned about only because I pursued it myself… the ADA never contacted me. I was shocked to hear a rapid ?judgment (all in legalese…) of something less then Driving under the Influence etc… and he was given a nominal fine, no suspended license, and record wiped clean after 6 months if good behavior.

      I jumped up after the rapid sentencing and said I wanted to speak. The DA was startled (as was the judge), since he didn’t know I would be there, but the judge said go ahead. I read a pretty powerful statement detailing the night and my injuries and then added my disgust and distress on such a minimal punishment. It was very cathartic to be there, and to do this, although it was also one of the most stressful moments of my life. It was also kinda like something out of Law & Order….

      The judge basically said… sorry… and nodded as if he knew the punishment was insufficient. He then encouraged me to pursue “justice” in Civil court…. I was a little surprised by that, and unsatisfied.

      Afterwards, I spoke to the ADA, who apologized for his hectic workload and poor communication. He then told me something that made me quite sad……

      They try to avoid taking most cases of drunk driving to court/jury trial, as they are often unsuccessful. This shocked me, as I thought the victim was usually blameless and could be a very powerful witness and a person the jury could relate to…. “this could happen to you”. The ADA said… no…. the jury doesn’t tend to relate to the victim in these cases. So many Americans drink and drive, that they look at the criminal and think…. THAT could have been ME…. so they let him off.

      1. Dr. Lyn – thank you for sharing your experience and for taking the time to make your voice heard. Too many people think drunk driving has been “solved.” That isn’t the case at all – almost a third (31% or 9,878) of the 32,367 people killed in U.S. traffic crashes (and they are NOT “accidents” as if they were some random act of God) in 2011 involved impaired drivers. More than 315,000 people like Dr. Lyn were injured in in these crashes, and these totally preventable alcohol-impaired crashes cost our society $132 Billion EVERY YEAR.

        So take the keys, find a safe ride and please, please, don’t drink and drive.

        1. Agreed! My company does a lot of company sponsored events where they serve alcohol. They have a standing policy – if you’ve had too much to drink, take a cab and put it on your expense report and they will reimburse you, no questions asked. One of the best company policies I’ve ever heard of!

      2. The victim statement sounds something like the restorative justice and community conferencing initiatives I’ve seen that puts the people and the harmed community into an active role for what justice looks like among individual community members. If jail doesn’t do enough to resolve a situation after court, it’s worth considering. It puts a face on what the charged person has done, and can be a non-AA way of making amends (Fourth Step) in impossible situations. It’s a form of alternative dispute resolution, like mediation, and while it may be of use to some, it’s not for every situation.

        Check with your local community conflict resolution centers – often it’s used in juvenile matters.

    17. I’m so sorry. My best friend was killed by a drunk driver. I did not go to any proceedings mostly because it was in another state.

  4. My husband relocated to the Middle East (not army), and it’s an indeterminate amount of time before I can join him (maybe December). Any thoughts on things that I can do for him that are thoughtful from such a distance and would help keep our relationship strong in the months that we’re apart? Thanks!

    1. I was in Europe on a work assignment without my husband for 6 months. It was very difficult and we swore never to do that again. But we made it.

      – My husband and I sent each other regular “care packages” with small items. I still keep a small Lego creation he built on my desk so I can look at it and think of him.
      – We set regular Skype dates and moved mountains to keep them. Seeing his face and talking “in person” was HUGE.
      – We always had a planned reunion date. Maybe plan a visit – can you fly to him over Thanksgiving? Can his company allow him a visit back home to settle affairs? Having a date to anticipate helped.
      – We emailed at least once every day, a long one. Just talking about the minutia of our lives – people we went to lunch with, the annoyance of the guest bathroom toilet, something funny a coworker said. It helped us remain connected – it’s amazing how much the little things help you feel a part of someone’s life.
      – We sent cell phone pics at least every other day. Again, nothing special, most were in bathroom mirrors. But seeing each other was so oddly comforting.

      It will be hard, likely for both of you, so allow yourselves time and space to vent and be upset. But know that it’s temporary and you will come out of it stronger and with the ability to get through difficult times as a team.

      1. I’ve never done long distance this far, but I have to agree with R that using Skype or Gmail videochat is great. When we can see each other and talk in real time it’s a lot more meaningful than emails or texts.

      2. I met my husband at a club one night while I was studying abroad in Scotland. When it was time for me to leave, we decided to continue our relationship long-distance. We had a lot of the same practices that R mentions above. We wrote emails every day, which in retrospect seem rather mundane but really did a lot to keep us feeling connected. We had planned Skype dates every other day, and my heart leapt every time I saw his face on that little screen. Videochats are really a godsend for LDRs, definitely maintain a sense of intimacy. And it is extremely helpful to have a “next meeting” date set. On the rare occasions that we were saying good-bye to each other without knowing our next reunion date, the separation was MUCH harder. Anticipation of your next meeting is a wonderful heartbalm. We also tried to send each other letters and/or parcels maybe once a month, and that “surprise” element was great.

        With the above plans, we dated long-distance for about three years, with separations between visits being between 2-4 months at a time. It’s hard to imagine doing it again now, but love finds a way. On the plus side, we used our frequent flyer miles to go on honeymoon.

    2. My husband goes back and forth to the middle east periodically for work. We definitely believe in the Skype dates! We also post tons of stuff on facebook (kid pictures from me, local pictures from him) — which helps all of our far-flung family feel connected.

      Outside of just staying connected, I found going from having two people just to get stuff done to just having myself to be the hardest. It’s been really important for me to ask for help, which does not come naturally. While he’s gone, at least one set of parents will visit us for at least a weekend,and having someone to mow the lawn and someone to clean the house has been very helpful. With the higher pay he’s receiving, we can afford to throw some money at some of this. So, whatever your version of this may be — visiting friends, family, paying whatever services make my life easier — don’t be afraid to get the support network activated!

    3. My fiance was transferred to Europe and we lived apart for 8 months before I could move over. What helped us was having Skype dates. It sounds silly, but we’d cook the same thing for dinner and get the same movie to watch. Talking on the phone and even just staring at each other on Skype got stale, and once we realized that it was because we weren’t “doing” things together, these “dates” helped a lot. The time difference made it difficult, but even if it was on a Saturday morning, the dates really helped us feel connected.

      We would also leave Skype on if we were both home. For instance, if I was cleaning on a Sunday morning and he was home watching a football game, we would like Skype on and take periodic breaks to interact. It felt kind of like we were in the same place because we knew what little things the other was doing.

      Finally, we ALWAYS had a visit scheduled. It helped us to have a goal in sight, even if was a way off.

      Good luck! It won’t be easy, but we both felt we have a stronger connection because of this experience.

      2. I forgot about that – great point about leaving Skype on in the background. We had a Slingbox too, so we’d watch the same TV shows with Skype in the background. Mine was always a few seconds behind his and I’d be so excited when he’d yell about a bad call in football or something. It felt a little bit like we were together.

        Seriously, you can’t underestimate how important the minutia really is. Any way you can get that, do it.

    4. Thanks for all the thoughts and encouragement. Hopefully my husband will have internet set up at his new place soon, and then Skype can be more of an option.

  5. Opinions requested! I have long fine (but apparently a lot of individual hairs) hair. What types of hairstyles work for this other than long and layered?

    1. This is my hair type (I think… mine also won’t hold a curl to save its life). My go-to is shoulder length — or slightly above or below — with thick blunt bangs and more or less blunt/tapered ends (no crazy layers). Best haircut I’ve ever had, super easy to deal with (easy to blow out the bangs if you have time, but they’ll dry fine on weekends or where you have no access to a blowdryer), looks intentional/put together, and seems to be flattering to a wide range of face shapes.

    2. If you are willing to cut it, a short (chinlength) bob with heavy bangs and long layers is a good cut. I have lots of fine, straight hair and have found this cut to work best.

    3. This is my hair type. For years I had a chin-length to shoulder-length bob with all kinds of different bangs from no bangs to just barely a fringe to thick bangs. Now I have a short pixie cut that I’m growing into a longer pixie cut. I love my pixie cut.

  6. Ladies – I made the quintessential mistake in shopping – I tried on things I really couldn’t afford and fell desperately and completely in love. In this case, its with several items of the fall line of Elie Tahari (all of which are awesome) – I’ll post links to them in subsequent posts to avoid the mod-bot but if you’re into the sort of edgy but still mostly work appropriate stuff that’s coming out this season, they’ve REALLY hit the nail on the head. The stuff is gorgeous.

    I also tried on a dress from last season in a lovely hunter green with sleeves that I think edges just too far into cocktail for work because it has this really beautiful boat neckline – but if you’re looking for a conservatively cut but still lovely dress for work cocktail parties or fall/winter weddings, this dress might be a great option for you. (again – links will follow.)

    1. This dress is probably my favorite single item (Mila Dress) – the textured polka dot pattern is very cool, the leather detailing is subtle and not too much, and the panelling on the side was REALLY flattering especially on someone like me who isn’t naturally super curvy (though I imagine on someone WITH curves it would look awesome.) Biggest downside is the zipper in the back – but its not as bad as some. There’s also a skirt in the same textured fabric that was lovely, but I found the zipper more of a problem on the skirt.

      http://www.elietahari.com/en_US/mila-dress/E8047603.html?start=23&cgid=women-shop-dresses&dwvar_E8047603_color=001&PathToProduct=women-shop-dresses

      1. Oh wow. This is completely perfect for the direction my work wardrobe is going. I’ll just bookmark for sales :)

    3. The last item was this Angelica jacket (though I have to say – it fits different in person – the neckline is much less open and its more fitted, which I liked better). As a friend who I texted a picture of myself in it said, its “very Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation – but in a good way.” My issue with it is that it might just be a bit too edgy for most workplaces. But with jeans and booties on the weekend, omg. Also – possibly for work if your work is flexible. I just wish it was less expensive! Hopefully it will not be popular and go on discount (though I guess I shouldn’t be posting it here than.)

      http://www.elietahari.com/en_US/angelica-jacket/E900K103.html?start=2&cgid=women-shop-outerwear&dwvar_E900K103_color=G04&PathToProduct=women-shop-outerwear

    6. I actually made this mistake when I was shopping for wedding dresses. I was 25 at the time, and my first stop was, of course, Saks in San Francisco. Really stupid. Fell in love with the first dress I tried on (I already had pretty specific parameters).

      After months of shopping, I found one very similar at less than 1/2 the price, thank goodness. My advice to all of my friends that have gone dress shopping since then is “don’t look at anything you can’t afford!”

      1. That’s totally the opposite of my philosophy. If you never try on good clothes, how are you supposed to know what looks good on you? You can always get a seamstress to reproduce the good stuff if you can’t do it yourself, almost always for less :-).

        1. True! I never thought of it that way. It has been a long time since I had a really great seamstress…there must be one in the LA area!

  7. I might be the first to post on these earrings as other weightier subjects have come up but… I can’t resist – I love these earrings! I’ve liked a lot of Kat’s picks of late but have been away from the home office too much to comment in a timely manner.

    1. I love these too. I’m currently debating getting them as a birthday present to myself but they will be the most expensive piece of jewelry I own . BUT SO PRETTY

      1. Speaking of expensive, this site has caused me to become aware of gorgeous vintage rings at BrilliantEarth. I am in lust w/one from the 1920s. But I can’t/won’t spend several thousand on a ring.

        Instead, I’ve gone on Amazon and ordered the next Moomintroll book. _Moominsummer Madness_. I love this series by Tove Jansson and my only regret is that I didn’t know about them until I was well into adulthood. I have the preceding books and will be holed up this weekend reading them.

    2. I’m neutral on these, don’t love or hate them. But to me they don’t look different than much cheaper costume jewelry so I would have a very hard time justifying the price.

  8. Is it bad to “switch” credit cards a short time before trying to get pre-approved for a mortgage?

    I wanted to cancel one card and apply for another with better benefits, but we’re also thinking of buying a house soon and I didn’t want my credit score to go down. For context, my score last year was already in the 800+ range, so it’s v. v. good – I just don’t want to hurt that in any way (and I also don’t want too many cards).

    1. Canceling a credit card can make your score go down because it decreases your debt to credit ratio. You could pay off the card and not use it without formally closing the account.

    2. Switching which cards you use most often isn’t going to affect your credit score and won’t result in having to write a letter explaining the change to your mortgage broker.

      Getting a brand-new credit card and/or canceling a credit card will result in a ding to your credit score (as will the credit checks your mortgage broker will do) for 12 months or so. Plus, your mortgage broker will require you write a letter explaining anything and everything occurring in the last 3 months. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’d want a letter explaining a new credit card or canceling an old account.

      FWIW, with your credit score (I think the best rates top out at scores in the mid-700s so you have room to play), I would go ahead and get the new credit card but I wouldn’t cancel the old card until after you’ve closed on your house.

      And congrats on buying a home!

      1. Thanks for the well wishes! We’re actually just (re-)starting the house hunting process in Boston. We thought we would just save up for the semi-dream house, but we’re getting gouged on rent right now and figured setting our sights a bit lower and buying something we can rent out later is a good idea.

    3. Related question — So it’s better to have an old card that you don’t use just sitting there, rather than cancelling it? When I bought new furniture about 18 months ago I did the “24 months interest free financing” that involved me opening a card. I have never used it other than for that one giant purchase. I’ve been paying it off dutifully for the last 18 months and will have it totally paid off soon. I was planning on cancelling it once it was paid in full because I don’t want to have too many cards open, but will that hurt my score? Mine is about 758 and I’m planning on buying a condo in about 2 years, so I want to do everything possible to get my score as high as possible.

      1. I think so. Part of your score is your credit utilization rate and a high amount of available credit with little to no balance reporting is good. If you close the card, your total available credit will decrease which hurts your score. You can leave it open and never use it and they might eventually cancel it, or you can use it two or 3 times a year to keep it active and just pay it off right away.

        Also you didn’t ask this, but I e heard furniture companies are notorious for claiming that you didn’t make your last payment on time before your 0% ends and then charging you interest on the entire amount, including back charges for previous months. I think it’s best to pay it earlier than you think you need to and doing it online (or some other way you can prove exactly when the payment was made).

        1. Along the same lines, be careful with those “no financing” deals if you plan on getting a mortgage, etc., because what usually happens is that mattress you’re financing counts as a utilization of the entire credit line until you pay it off, which then impacts your credit utilization ratio.

          1. Yeah, I didn’t want to do it, but I was coming from law school and had to furnish an entire apartment, so there was just no way I could have paid for it all right away. I’m getting a giant bonus check soon and plan on paying off the rest of the balance as soon as I can though. It’s funny, yesterday I was actually shopping for a new mattress and they were trying to talk me into the financing as “free money” even though I kept telling them that I was able to pay for it all without an issue. They must get some kind of big commission from opening those accounts.

      2. From what I understand, you should not cancel that card; just pay it off in full and leave it open. Basically, it’s good for your credit score for you to be using only a fraction of your available credit. Canceling a card decreases your available credit, so you’re using a larger fraction of your credit, which decreases your credit score.

      3. Caveat on not cancelling credit cards: if it has an annual fee, you might want to cancel it for this reason. Otherwise, you absolutely do not want to close old credit cards. Having open and unused lines of credit decreases your credit utilization rate, which helps your credit rating. Pay it off in full, of course, though.

        Oh, another caveat: if you have trouble managing your money and credit and spend significantly more because you have credit cards with large open lines of credit, you should probably cancel them to remove the temptation.

      4. Agree with all of the above–the only caveat is when it’s a card with an annual fee. In that case, it doesn’t make sense to pay the annual fee for a card you are never going to use. Try to get them to waive it, but if they don’t, it’s not worth paying the fee just to keep the card. You can get the available credit elsewhere if you really want to maintain the denominator in your utilization ratio.

      5. My impression is that it’s better to have several cards you either 1) don’t use at all, or 2) pay off every month, than to cancel cards.

        For the ones you don’t use at all, you could just cut up.

  9. I’m on the committee for a conference, and one of our current projects is putting together a resource list of the best books for personal professional development. For some context, the attendees are all ages and equally male and female. Due to the extensive hours and constant relocation/travel required for our industry (a very niche type of consulting), probably 80-90% are childless.

    With such a wealth of smart, career-focused women here, I thought this might be a good place to turn for ideas!

    What are some of the best books or resources for professional development you (or your peers) have read or been recommended lately?

    1. Naked Statistics: Stripping the Dread from the Data by Charles Wheelan — comprehensible and entertaining explanations of how to interpret and use statistics effectively.

    2. Emotional Intelligence 2.0
      Drive by Daniel Pink
      A Whole New Mind, also by Daniel Pink

      I also think a memoir by a successful someone that is out of the reader’s personal references can help build diverse perspective.

      Condoleeza Rice’s Extraordinary, Ordinary Family
      Katharine Graham’s “Personal History”
      Pat Summit’s ‘Sum it Up”
      Gandhi’s The Story of my Experiments with Truth
      The Lemon Tree by Tolan
      Kidder’s Mountains beyond Mountains

      You get the idea – vicarious learning, with a splash of so THAT’s how they did that, huh

      Five Dysfunctions of a Team was the first book I thought of – it sounds “down” but is very good.

    3. I think NGDGTCO is the best book for women. I’d stick it on the list, even if men will get the list too.

  10. So I’m terrible with finance things and I’ve only checked my credit report once about 8 years ago. I know I can get a free report every year, but will it have my credit score on there too? Or do I have to pay to get that elsewhere? For some reason, I don’t remember getting a score that one time.

    1. No, the free credit report just shows the underlying data. You have to pay to get the actual number.

      1. Can I get it from the same website I get the three free reports from? And does it affect my score to ask what it is since it is a separate thing?

        (Is this even worth knowing? I’m not buying a house or anything, and I keep getting approved for school loans/rental properties, so I assume I’m okay, but everyone else seems to know theirs! Inspired by the above post)

    2. I think if you sign up through Credit Karma you can get your score(s) for free.

      3. It is legit, but it’s not a great/current source of information. My CK “report” shows a 5 digit balance on a card that was paid off and closed a year ago, and from which I was removed as an authorized user 18 months ago. None of my “real” credit reports still have this card as active like CK does. Because of this, my CK score is much lower than my actual scores (which I know because the broker gave them to me when I applied for a mortgage).

    4. annualcredit report dot com . you get one free from each agency each year so I’d pull one every 4 months.

      Asking for your own score does NOT affect your score, but it won’t be on the free report. I would strongly recommend paying myfico.com for a score. FICO underlies all three agencies’ scores, and is not nearly as shady as all of the credit agencies. They are godawful, do not give them any money.

    5. Rather than pulling your yearly free report from the three agencies all at once, you are better off to pull them at four month intervals. That way you can keep tabs on your credit on a year round basis. There are differences in which each reports (e.g., two do not report my electric bill payments, one does) but the bulk of the information is there and you can keep your eye on what is being reported.

      There are two legit sites I know of which will give your credit score – Credit Karma and Credit Sesame. Credit Karma reports Transunion’s score. I forget which one Credit Sesame reports, but it is one of the other two. Credit Karma will also tell you your car insurance and house insurance scores – you think they would be the same, but mine are wildly different for no apparent reason.

    6. I recommend myfico.com. I use a credit monitoring service of theirs that costs $5/month. Every 3 months you get a full credit report (including score), and it tells you factors that have made it go up/down. It also monitors your credit at all times and it sends you an alert if there is a new credit check or an address change or anything like that, so you’ll know if someone steals your identity.

    7. You can get your credit score for free from places like free credit report dot com, but it signs you up for a monthly plan. So the first month is free, and then you have to call and cancel. I’ve done this for two years now and it’s very easy to set up and cancel, but if you don’t cancel it’s something like $13/month.

  11. I’ve been officially no-offered from my summer firm. Dealing with this on top of everything else is overwhelming. I feel like I am never going to be able to practice law or even find a non-law job that will hire me.

    1. Were you no-offered because of fit or poor work? Or because the firm isn’t busy enough?

    2. You will. I was. Lots of my friends were. 3 years later, we all have jobs doing pretty much what we wanted. I know it’s hard, but my mantra was “I didn’t go to law school for the next 5 years. I went for the next 35.”

      1. Same here. It turned out fine. In my case, the firm I summered with just didn’t hire half the class for economic reasons. It was a bad year. People understood. One thing I did was get a letter of recommendation from a partner I had worked with. I later found out that another friend that was no-offered had asked HR about getting a letter of recommendation and was told the policy was not to do letters. Turns out I circumvented this policy by going straight to a partner who had no idea it existed (or just didn’t care). So you might try that… It turned out fine. It took me a while to find a law job, and I’m not in big law, but that may be for the best, honestly (except, of course, for the lack of a biglaw salary. But my salary pays the bills, I don’t do doc review, and I almost never work past 7:30 or on weekends)

      2. Another no-offeree. I’m not sure about the firm as a whole, but less than a third of the class in my location received offers. 3L was pretty stressful for me, partially because it seemed like all the jobs were litigation related and I wanted to do transactional work. The week after I graduated, I got an offer for an in-house job, which is what I wanted to do before I even started law school. I recommend looking at Guerilla Tactics for Getting the Legsl Job of Your Dreams. It has great ideas for when the typical OCI/ summer route doesn’t work.

        1. Seconding Guerrilla Tactics. TLS also has some really great advice on approaching your job search. Hugs to you! I had several classmates who were no-offered or unable to find summer jobs who are very happy now. If you’re looking for a path back to biglaw, the NYC V20 firms seem to pick up a few 3Ls every year — and not always during 3L OCI so keep working with your school’s career center! Also start pursuing clerkships. Many of my friends who are now in biglaw took clerkships (state and federal) out of law school.

    3. I’m sorry :( I know it sucks, but you will survive. It happens. Start coming up with a good explanation for why it happened, and then start applying for jobs again.

    4. Hug’s to you, and FOOEY on them. But Do NOT worry. I was in the same boat, MABYE worse. I also did NOT get an offer, so I went back my third year, and FORGOT all about it. Even when I gradueated, I did not have a good job, but I passed the bar. As fate would have it, I was doing PROCESS serving for a guy with alot of hair on his back when I bumped into the manageing partner in an elevator. He gave me a real legal JOB b/c he thought I had a personality. After less then 5 year’s he has offered me a partnership! So it does work out and now the manageing partner says I am indespensible! YAY!

      I am FINALLY abel to go back to NYC tonite — Ed is dropping me off in the City on his way back to Chapaqua with Rosa and the babies, and Roberta is meeting me tomorrow in the Bronx – I was going to have to take the Express Bus up there to meet her, but Myrna says she will drive and Roberta is buying me DELI! Yay! I love my mom’s cooking, but I am getting fat eating all of the stuff she made me! I ate so much Matza Ball Soup that my tuchus started to explode today. It was lucky I stayed home with the babie’s b/c they ate the same soup. Dad had to meet a guy from the goverment today – something about computer security breeche’s. Fooey! Dad spends alot of time talking about things I have no clue about.

      I am glad that I can forget about men this weekend. No Jim stareing at my boobies and no Harold making comments about my tuchus. Now, David is texting me again but that is it. Fortuneately, I told Sam to let me NOODLE on whether we will see each other again, and I said to him dont text me; I will mabye text you. So far so good. I am lookeing forward to a relaxing weekend with Roberta and Myrna. Have a great weekend, Kat and also the entire HIVE!!!! YAY!!!!!

    5. I’m sorry. That really sucks. Is there any chance they’d at least give you a cold offer? (Not sure if firms do that anymore since they might not want the risk that someone would actually try to accept it.) Do you know why you didn’t get an offer? If you don’t know, is there someone at the firm who can give you some information? Maybe an associate you worked with, or the summer program coordinator? It won’t be an easy conversation to have, but it will really help you to have this information because you’re going to want to be able to explain to prospective employers both what the problem was and why it won’t be a problem with them. (For example, if your writing ability wasn’t up to par, you’ll want to take some extra courses in legal writing this year and/or pay for some sessions with a tutor.) I think employers would be impressed if you said “I believe that my writing quality was not what it should have been. Because I understand how important this is, I [took classes, worked with a tutor, etc.] this past year to make sure my writing was top notch.”

      I’m assuming you just started 3L, so see if you can do anything to gain extra experience and exposure during the school year. Develop a pool of people who know you and know you do good work. Also, develop a few more law-related lines on your resume so it’s not just your school work and that one summer at that firm. Do any judges in your area take externs? Are you signed up for a clinic? If you’re looking to practice in the same metro area where your school is, join the local bar association. They often have a special membership level for law students. Go to events and talk to people. BE POSITIVE ABOUT YOURSELF. I realize you’re feeling down, but make sure you find a way to think you’re going to be a great lawyer before you go talk to anyone. Also, see if any of your professors need a research assistant this year. Or, if you’re on a journal, see if you can help an author with research in exchange for being listed as an author (when I’ve published, I’ve used law students for this and it was invaluable to me).

      Meanwhile, see if you can get information interviews with alumni in your area (again, assuming you’re currently located in the area where you want to practice). Don’t talk about your summer work right off the bat. Take advantage of your school’s mock interviews. Even though an informational interview has a different tone from a job interview, you want to project the right image. Get career services to help make sure you’re doing that. If you meet alumni and they have a positive image of you, they’ll be likely to think it was just bad luck that you got no-offered and they’ll be more willing to risk their reputations to recommend you to other people (but do be working on whatever shortcoming your firm mentioned — this will also help alumni feel more comfortable about recommending you).

      The legal market is awful right now (although better than it was a couple of years ago). This kind of thing feels terrible. Go out with friends this weekend or hole up in your room and watch Netflix or whatever you find soothing. But this is just a set-back and a minor re-direction. This one firm doesn’t get to tell you you’ll never be a lawyer. Don’t give them that much power.

    6. hugs. I got no-offered and survived to tell the tale. I know it sucks but you will come out of it stronger. First of all, have you gotten an explanation from the firm? When you’re interviewing in the future you’ll want to be able to show that you took the initiative to find out what went wrong. Contact your career services ASAP and make a plan. Are there people at the firm who liked your work and from whom you can get references? Also start doing that right away.

    7. I’m sorry. That happened to me a few years ago, and it truly felt awful. Four years later, though, it’s almost like it never happened. So please, please try to see this as a temporary setback and not as the end of your career. I waited out the recession with a clerkship (great experience! highly recommend) and ended up as an associate at a different firm, one that had made me a summer offer when I was a 2L. Start thinking about who is in your network. Don’t be afraid to look at state court clerkships – some of those judges hire on a different cycle (read: later) than the federal judges. Are you geographically flexible?

    8. I’m sorry this happened! My close friend got no offered last summer and she has a great job now so it’s not the end of the world. I do recommend finding out why from someone you were close with at the firm – that way if it was a performance related or fit issue you can find out now and work on it moving forward. That’s what my friend did and when she was asked about the no-offer in her interviews he could point to specific things she was working on.

      1. Remember that Justice Sotomayor was no-offered! So you are in good company.

    10. Sorry to hear that. I was no offered, graduated unemployed, took the bar, got a job at a horrible small firm where I got paid very little and received no training, found out I passed the bar, and then was let go from that firm for lack of work/fit/unreasonable expectations for a brand new associate. I definitely thought I might never be a lawyer. After being unemployed for over 6 months, I somehow landed in Biglaw in a job I love. If you really want to be a lawyer it will happen. Might be cheesy but I love the Randy Pausch quote: “the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough.”

  12. Question for the brilliant hive mind: I started working at a new company fairly recently (about 3 months ago), and am loving it. When I took the job, I knew it would be a step down in responsibility (lower title, not management) but the money was the same as my old job and there was serious growth potential. Since I’ve gotten here, I’ve learned that I make significantly more money than others in my job classification. Yesterday, the HR director approached me and asked if I’d consider taking on some supervisory responsibilities.

    This is awesome, and I can’t imagine a world in which I’d say no. My question is, given my circumstances (already highly paid, started recently), is it out of line for me to ask for a raise to go along with the new responsibilities? Or other types of perks (better office, some extra PTO)? What do you ladies think?

    1. Ask. They made a decision when they decided to pay you what they pay you. In their minds, you were worth the money. Now they want more. It’s not out of line for you to ask for more, too.

    2. Ask. But know that they might be reluctant to push another increase right away. In that case, see if they are open to revisiting a salary increase in a few months once you prove yourself to be a good supervisor. You could ask for other perks or you could ask for an assistant to help you with admin stuff so you can free up more time for management.

    3. I am in a similar position. First, congrats on being asked to do more- they like you. Second- ask! It never hurts to ask, just be prepared for them to (possibly) say no or be flexible about what you’re looking for.
      Good luck!

  13. Late to the party because I had training most of the day but I’m so glad you discovered the spendiferousness that is David Tennant, Equity’s Darling!!

    He’s just so dang pretty! And commanding! And terrifying! And wonderful! And brilliant – oh god he’s brilliant.

    Sorry, just had to fangirl a little bit.

    1. Another TenthDoctorFanGirl over here!!!! {{hands waving wildly}} I just can’t get that excited about Matt Smith after David, he’s just the Best Doctor Ever. Sssiigighhhhh {{{Tenth Doctor + Rose ForEvah}}}

    2. If I do get this cold that I think is developing, I plan to lie on my couch and just watch hours of David Tennant while drinking tea.

      Okay, I’m lying, I plan to do that this weekend regardless of whether I get sick.

      1. perfectly acceptable weekend plan. I love David Tennant. Though I will admit, while the Tenth Doctor is my favorite, Matt Smith really did grow on me and I’m sad he’s leaving.

        Also, for the cold-I swear by Zicam chews or melts. It’s probably a placebo effect, but I think it does shorten the duration of a cold (it’s mainly just zinc, so you could probably just take zinc in large doses)

  14. Does anyone have a favorite red lipstick to recommend? I have a sheer blue-red but want another that is more matte and saturated. However, I’m fair-skinned and anything that veers dark looks too dramatic for my taste. Orange-red I already have covered! Thanks…

      1. love the name Dunbonnet…reminds me of Jamie for all of you Outlander fans out there… :)

        1. Love Jamie and Claire! I can’t wait for the new series to air on Starz!

        2. Love Outlander, though Roger is my favorite (reminds me of my hubby). Bring on Book 8 and the new tv series!

    2. NARS Red Lizard. Very matte and saturated – try it on! (I am warm toned but fairly fair.)

      1. This is my red shade. For glossier red, Nars satin lip pencil in Hyde Park is nice.

      1. Oops, hit report instead of reply. MAC Russian Red is one of my favorite classic reds.

    4. If you want to try a drugstore brand, I love Maybeline’s Super Stay 24 Color lip stain. I’m not sure what the color I have is called but I can check when I get home. It’s a great red with blue undertones and stays on forever.

      1. I really like Revlon’s Just Bitten lipstain in Gothic. I use the one that looks like a marker, not the one that looks like a crayon. If you add several coats it may be too dark, but with just one I think it would be okay. It doesn’t have the traditional lipstick feel, but I actually like it better. The one that looks like a crayon is closer in texture to lipstick, but doesn’t have the staying power of the marker kind.

        1. This is my go-to as well, though I primarily use Dawn which is more coral-y, or Forbidden, which is a bit darker.

  15. Does anyone have any feedback on Pods, either the original or similar services such as Door to Door and U-Box?

    1. We used them and thought they were great. If you’re just moving, or just storing stuff, it might not be worth it. But we were moving, then storing for a couple of months, then moving into a new house and it was perfect. We hired a team of movers to move our stuff out of our old house and into the pods (2BR, ~1400 sq ft house plus small garage = 1 1/2 pods). Then we hired another team to move the stuff from the pods into the new house. What we liked was that we knew no one would mess with our stuff while it was in transit or storage (often long distance move companies put yourself on one truck then onto a bigger truck then into a storage unit then onto a third truck before delivering it, and stuff can get jumbled with other people’s, or lost, or broken). We also had easy access to it while it was being stored. The company was very easy to work with and very professional. We were very happy with them all around.

    2. I don’t have time for a thorough review, but I used the original PODS for a move from OR to CA, and I was very happy with it. Cost about the same as a truck with movers, but I had more time to pack and unpack on either end. I had a great experience, would do it again.

    3. My mom used PODS moving from WI to FL. It was much, much cheaper than a truck and allowed a lot more time for loading/unloading. It’s particularly good if you need to store things for a while before they’re delivered. She had a housing situation fall through at the last minute do to an erratic landlord, but the company was able to keep her POD in their storage place even before she had an address for final delivery.

    5. I used U-Pack for a cross country move a couple months ago and had a great experience. We used two pods for a 2 BR apartment and were quite impressed by how much we were able to fit- we got a rid of a lot of furniture, but had a lot of other stuff and it all fit. I think the U-Pack pods are smaller than the PODS pods; they only took up the back half of a parking spot. Just make sure you do a good job of packing and securing everything, as they get fairly bounced around. We had a little scuffing on some of furniture we didn’t wrap well, but not a single thing broke. For a long distance move, it was much cheaper than using real movers (and more secure, since you keep the keys to the lock, and I’ve never heard of them highjacking people’s stuff, unlike a lot of other movers), and much easier and safer than driving a U-Haul (which has a really terrible safety record).

    6. How timely…my cross-country move completed today. Incidentally, how do I get on the Boston ‘rette meetup list?

      Anyway, I looked into PODS and what I found was even better–they’re like PODS, but you get movers to load and unload and it’s about the same price as PODS. In my case, it was cheaper than PODS, and includes labor. It’s called SmartMove vaults and it’s done by Atlas Movers (just google). They did a fantastic job at both ends of my move, everything was secure, and…same price as PODS but I literally did no heavy lifting–all my huge furniture magically went up two flights of stairs today. I cannot rave enough about how great this was! I have used ABF UPack in the past, but this was much, much better.

  16. Any advice for how to fix a dresser with smelly drawers? It’s a lovely old dresser, and it’s got an old smell to match. I’ve tried putting the drawers in the sun, wiping with vinegar, letting baking soda sit in them for a while and putting dryer sheets in them. They all still smell to some degree, although a couple of the drawers have improved enough that I can store clothes in them. Are scented drawer liners still a thing?

    2. Cedar blocks? I think these are usually used to keep moths away from sweaters, but they smell pretty strongly so they might help the drawer smell.

    4. I have had luck putting a few charcoal briquettes in smelly antique dressers.

    5. Whole coffee beans worked to get a smoke smell reduced in an old dresser. Bed bath and beyond has scented drawer sachet packets. Or you could make your own with dried petals and essential oils.

    6. I’ll second the coffee. I can’t stand the smell of coffee, but it really does absorb / cancel others. Too many allergies here for dryer sheets / scented sheets / febreeze.

      1. Interesting, I hadn’t heard of using coffee before, I’ll have to give that a try. Even if the drawers pick up the coffee scent instead, I love the smell of coffee so that would be fine with me!

  17. I’m getting a sore throat, and I haven’t had an appetite for the last few days.

    Secret tips for staving off what I assume will be a terrible cold (I haven’t had one in over 6 months, so I’m probably due…)

    1. Mint tea, or tea with lemon and honey, zero alcohol, lots and lots of sleep. I also find avoiding dairy to be helpful at minimizing the cold.

      1. I do green tea. And Odwalla c- monsters. Pretty much only those two things, until I either get better or worse.

    2. Cold FX.

      Available at your nearest Shopper’s Drug or the like.

      Also, if you are me, very spicy Thai food.

      And from what you say, David Tennant will help too.

      Get better soon!

      1. David Tennant would make anyone feel better..

        Does ColdFX really work? I’m so skeptical, but I guess there’s no harm in picking some up. And I will totally have Thai food for dinner, I haven’t had Thai in forever (mostly because this city is no so great with food that’s not steak), but I could really go for some green curry.

        1. Actually, I think it does. I take it whenever I feel a cold coming on and it seems to help at least reduce the duration of a cold, if not eliminate it completely. It’s basically ginseng. I started taking it when I was in BigLaw and not allowed to get sick, and I’ve stuck with it.

        2. Ya I think it works too. Maybe it’s a placebo effect but I’m sticking with it.

          Plus it’s one of the very few things Canadians get that Americans don’t…

    3. I find that ginger, ginseng, honey, and lemon in combination are both delicious and excellent. Drinking this hot tea mixture keeps you hydrated, provides Vitamin C, clears out your sinuses, and keeps mucus out of your throat.

      Thai food is great, but I’d definitely go with a clear liquid soup to start. Tom Yum is usually full of veggies and a little spicy.

      Basically, drink clear, hot liquids that open your sinuses, get sleep (I know this will be hard because there are so many episodes of the 10th Doctor!), and avoid alcohol, milk, and tobacco. If you have seasonal allergies at all, try adding a daily allergy pill until the seasons finish turning.

    5. Zinc tablets, vitamin C, echinachea if you can stomach it (literally–I can’t), ditto garlic and other spicy foods, fluids and more fluids, hot tea, rest, and sleep. Repeat daily for a week, eliminate unnecessary activities, eliminate or minimize stress, and keep telling yourself “This will pass.”

      I hope you feel better soon and dodge that virus!

    6. All of these home remedies are fine, but really it’s sleep. Sleep. More than 12 hours. Take Nyquill if you can’t get to sleep. Watching Netflix or tv doesn’t count. Sleep during the day too.

  18. Can anyone recommend a good place for highlights (I have really dark brunette hair and am looking for blondeish) in DC or nearby?

    I had the most amazing hairdresser ever before I moved down here but since I don’t think anyone else can live up to her I’ve been afraid to try anything new.

    Thanks!

    3. Heather Wright at Anne Welsh Salon in Del Ray. I’ve been going to her for highlights for many years, as have several of my friends.

    5. I love Min at Choas in Bethesda. Gorgeous and natural looking highlights, about $160 for highlights and a cut.

  19. Sorry- another question. I just saw a woman on the elevator wearing an amazing dress that might get me into the leather trend.

    It was a skater dress, black lace with 3/4 length sleeves (and a cream underlay for the body portion of the lace), and leather bottom half (looked real, but could have been faux) on the bottom, with diagonal pockets

    Maybe y’all can help me find it? I should have just asked her about it.

      1. Also so close! The dress was like a blend of your’s and NOLA’s suggestions. I’d actually consider buying this one if it wasn’t a drop-waist. I cannot pull off a drop-waist, it is possibly the least flattering thing on me, even though I love the look.

      1. That’s really close to the one I saw, and has the exposed zipper that I forgot to mention, but it is so out of my price range!

        1. There was a dress in the Us Weekly fall fashion issue that is also close but I couldn’t find it online. It was the Bisou Bisou line from JC Penney. Lace top with short sleeves and faux leather skirt.

  20. What do you all think makes a good hostess? I am finding myself entertaining more frequently for people I barely know, and I think my hostessing skills need some work. So what are some things you do to make people feel comfortable and welcome?

    1. Definitely beverages and food that they can help themselves to. In addition, lots of people think about seating, but not necessarily ‘stations’ for people to mingle. Clearing off a buffet so people can set their drinks and eat while standing makes a big difference. I always like a little music playing and just do quick introductions – Bob meet Joe. You both are the biggest golf nuts I know!

      1. Introduce people with thoughtful details.

        Perpetua, this is Mark Darcy. Mark is a prematurely middle-aged prick with a cruel-raced ex-wife. Perpetua is a fat-@ssed old bag who spends most of her time bossing me around.

        Maybe not.

    2. Have a set of idiot-proof directions to your house on file so you can paste it into emails easily, and include a cell phone number. Include your address at every opportunity so people can plug it into GPS at any point, and parking info if that applies. Bonus points for a map. (This is also doing yourself a favor! People will probably still ask you how to get there, but at least you can just cut and paste.)

    3. On top of the above, enough plates/utensils/cups, enough easy to reach trash cans, and a hand towel in the bathroom for hand drying. The last one is a small point, but I’ve visited more houses than I can count without anywhere to dry my hands after washing them.

    4. In general, whether it’s a party, an out of town guest, or a dinner party, a good idea is to consider every possible scenario in which a guest might need something, and prepare for it. Party – have club soda, paper towels, Tide pens or other stain removers, painkillers, people who can provide sober rides, alternative ways for people to get home, food for various dietary restrictions, a decent amount of food, a few guests who are gregarious and willing to talk to everyone, music, and ice. There’s never enough ice.

      For a dinner party, either have everything ready for drinks and apps the minute your first guest gets there, or be willing to hand out tasks in the kitchen to people based on their culinary skills. Again, have drinks ready, gregarious guests, and ice.

      For out of town guests, think about extra toothbrushes, water on the bedside, painkillers, multiple towels, maps (good idea, Monday!), easily accessible snacks that you give them access to, keys, and a parking pass (if you’re in a city). Nothing sours a visit like a parking ticket on a hapless guest’s car. And y’know, always make sure you have enough ice.

      1. This is an excellent list, particularly the parts about gregarious guests and ice. I am having 50 people over tomorrow (not the first time, so at least I am prepared). For me, the hardest part is to look casual and engaged with guests when I am really constantly scanning the horizon, looking to see what needs attention (empty chip bowl, crying child, etc.) Someday maybe I will be able to be like those hostesses in magazines who talk about ENJOYING the party.

        1. Do you know any teenagers or college students you could hire cheaply to make sure all the food/beverage things are continually refilled? That always helps me enormously when I have a really big group.

          1. This used to be my favorite job when I was in high school!! My friends and I would work for 5 hours on a Friday or Saturday night for someone having a dinner party and for $100 each we were thrilled to do everything. We passed food, made drinks, helped prepare dinner (so the hostess isn’t running in and out of the kitchen checking on the oven), and then loaded the dishwasher during dessert with all the dinner plates, silverware, pots/pans, etc. All the hostess had to do after was clean up the the dessert plates and coffee mugs. HIGHLY recommend!

          2. That would be so smart. I wish I had thought of it. In the meantime, I have a crew of siblings who serve as staff at these events. Once some guests tried to hire us, thinking we were caterers, after we put on a huge meal after a funeral!

          3. STRONG COFFEE. Not weak coffee. Not NO coffee. Not flavored icky coffee, but have some STRONG COFFEE! And, if your guest smokes, have a place where they can go smoke outside and an ashtray for them and don’t be a jerk when they go have a cigarette.

    5. Do as much as you can in advance, so you’re not working too hard during the party to socialize. Watching a frenzied hostess makes guests feel uncomfortable. Some introverts would appreciate being asked to help out and I often ask a friend to get drinks for people so I can keep answering the door/greeting and welcoming people.

    6. The above advice is really good. We are trying to entertain more as well. I find that the more frequently I do it, the easier it gets. We try to keep all of our entertaining supplies stored together so we are not frantically searching for cocktail napkins five minutes before guests arrive.
      I second the recommendation for some background music. There a bunch of great Pandora stations and the music stations on cable aren’t bad either. It saves you from the pressure of coming up with a bunch of playlists. A nicely scented candle and fresh flowers are good for adding that pretty touch.

  21. Encouraging story for those contemplating daycare/nanny:

    I just picked up my five month old from daycare. Apparently the teachers put on a puppet show today and she LOVED it. Squealed and smiled and apparently really loved the sheep and piggy. I went right on Amazon and ordered some animal puppets for home.

    This is why I love daycare so much. I NEVER would have thought to buy puppets for her. Ever. I especially wouldn’t think a five month old could be that excited for puppets. But now she’s been exposed to something new (and so have I), now I know a toy she’ll love, and it’s reinforced that she’s being well taken care of during the day. I swear, daycare is making me a way better mom.

    1. Thank you, that is encouraging. I haven’t even had my baby yet (and theoretically won’t for another 4 months), but I already feel like a bad mother for even contemplating daycare. Your story makes me feel better.

      1. As a wise blogger once wrote:

        “I hope I don’t need to say this, but the internet is stupid so I’m going to say it anyway; I loved my babies and I loved being a mother but I also loved working and I couldn’t and can’t see a single reason to feel guilty about that. Maybe if I was leaving my kids alone with a couple of milk bottles tied upside down to the bars of their cot, like hamster water bottles, I’d have felt guilty. But they were being left with a kind, caring, terrified Grandmother, they were going to be fine. We worked all day and when we got home late that night I was absolutely ready to see my little bears, to sniff their milky necks and hold them close.”

        (source – Peonies and Polaroids)

    2. You are awesome. :)

      Thanks for being a great example against this strain of Puritanism. I really hate this idea that the more you suffer and the more unnecessary sacrifices you make, the better mother you are.

      It’s been such a strong strain in American parenting, but more specifically, unreasonable demands put on women that I appreciate every counterexample.

    3. Love that story! I have learned a lot along the way from experienced child care providers. I bet people who go into childcare, teaching, pediatrics, etc, never expect to spend so much time “teaching” the parents, but they really do!

    4. Thank you. This week was my first week back after maternity leave and I was feeling guilty for not feeling guilty…

      1. It’s been almost 3 years since our child started daycare and I can count on one hand the number of times I have truly felt guilty about working. Multiple times a week, however, I am amazed at all the great things he is learning and how happy I am to have help raising him.

    5. I’ll second that thank you! We haven’t even started TTC yet, and aren’t even sure if we ever will, but I’ve posted before that my family / friends think I’m horrible for already knowing it would be daycare. It helps!

    6. Oh yeah, I got plenty of these stories: my 2 year old gets to do tons of fun, messy things at daycare that I’d never do at home because they are such a pain to set up and clean, or that I’d think he’s too young to enjoy.
      On a daily basis: sidewalk chalk, water table, finger paints, picking up leaves and glueing them onto a sheet of paper (I sure wouldn’t have thought they get into glueing stuff until later!), mixing cornmeal with water with food coloring (they get to pick the color…wha?) and so on. One day the teacher told us that he LOVED making green jello (his teacher said he was the most interested/committed jello-stirrer in the class). Not to mention learning so many songs that are completely new to me, with actions. I am not one for always focusing on “learning” and development and milestones at this age (happy if he eats and naps), but I sure am glad he gets to have so much fun.

  22. My 17 year old nephew has a solo in his Christmas concert and I’m going to be able to be there! Squeeeeee!!!!! I’m thinking about surprising the younger one on his 16th bday since I did it for his brother. Means two plane tickets this fall but they’re worth it.

  23. If I didn’t have singularly bad luck with misplacing earrings, I’d be on these like whoa. If I could afford them, so I shall just admire (… and pass the link to my friend the hobbyist jeweler, yes….)

    I am trying to compile reasons for my boss to give me that technically-not-promotion I want and part of me is wondering if I actually have grounds for it…. possibly because I remember talking about it to a previous manager and being shot down pretty brutally. ganted that was a good 4+ years ago but even then the “maybe he thiks I still suck and will favor the obnoxious guy instead of me”

  24. TJ – I am looking for some advice on how to fix my relationship with my sister. We are three years apart in age and both in our early-mid 30s. My sister is incredibly smart and hilarious and we were close growing up. We grew less close in our early to mid 20s as we grew into ourselves but then became close again in our late 20s. We have ended up taking different paths in life. She married her college sweetheart who is from an extremely wealthy family and is now a stay at home mom to two young kids. She seems really happy in this life and I geuinely love being an Aunt. I am single, childless, and live in a major city a few hours from where we grew up and she still lives and have a significant career (no where near Sheryl Sandberg level fancy, but good.)

    My relationship with my sister is pretty much non-existent currently which makes me really sad. I realized that if I do not make the effort to see her or call her, she never contacts me and takes days if not weeks to respond to my calls or emails. She also only seems interested in talking about her kids. In retrospect, the relationship limped pretty well for the last couple years because I really love being an Aunt and her kids are great and we’ve basically connected about that.

    This past year though, I have gone through a series of really tough things on a lot of fronts and she just has failed to show even the smallest of sympathy – for example a good friend died suddenly within days of a major setback at my company (which made national news) and had a huge impact on me personally. At this time my sister’s youngest who is 5 had a cold, so therefore she was too busy to contact me until three weeks later when she sent me a text message.

    I’ve tried to speak with her directly about this and it has not been successful. It just resulted in a massive fight which frankly resulted in further hurt feelings on both ends. She thinks (and my mom seems to agree with) that I need to cut her a lot more slack in terms of supporting me because motherhood is really hard and time consuming. I agree that motherhood seems like a very tough job, but not to the exclusion of your being able to be a reasonably supportive, engaged person.

    My questions are two fold –

    1. Am I just expecting too much from her in terms of an emotionally supportive relationship while her kids are young (5 and 7)? Should I try to cut her more slack?

    2. Any ideas on how to repair this relationship? I feel like we are living our own version of the mommy wars here. (And I fully realize that to move forward, I am going to have to let go of my hurt feelings here.)

    1. And apologies, this was a novel.

      The TL;DR version of this is my sister has kids and I don’t and it’s causing a lot of issues with our relationship. Any ideas on how to make better friends with someone who is a mom?

    2. Sheesh. LIFE is really hard and time consuming! I don’t think you’re expecting too much, but at the same time, I don’t think there is anything you can do to get what you are expecting, if that makes sense.

      The only way you’ll be able to repair it is do exactly what you said – you’ll have to let go of your hurt feelings and realize she won’t be your person to vent to. After I lost my grandma, who raised me, and then my mom, I found myself really without anyone to talk to about life’s “stuff.” I’ve tried to have that kind of relationship with one of my Aunts, but she is usually too busy telling me about her equivalent of a kid having a minor cold (no kids, but kind of that same low level non-emergency stuff). We had a major blowout in our relationship recently, too, and I had to decide whether I wanted there to be a relationship at all.

      I do, so I let go of how hurt I was that she wasn’t there for me when I needed it most (because she was too wrapped up in something trivial), made an apology-without-really-apologizing, and decided she just could not longer be my confidant. I have a small group of friends, and we all support each other and provide a “venting” buddy, so that works out ok. I understand what a bummer it is to not have family you can really talk to though.

    3. You are not expecting too much from her.

      My mother was a SAHM, and I was a handful, but she did a lot to keep me engaged, happy, safe from harm, and also managed to keep a close relationship with her many siblings. To this day, my cousins who live a 14hr+ flight away from the U.S. East Coast still write and call my mom, who remains their beloved “Aunty.”

      I remember my Mom saying this: “just because you might have a child or several children, as long as you don’t opt for a fortress mentality, you will be able to make time to maintain the other relationships in your life. It’s less smothering for your children in the long-run, too, to not be the sole ‘friend’ in their mother’s life.”

      By fortress mentality, she meant: “dropping everything to fixate obsessively over the children, because everything must be subsumed for their success.”

      You can’t repair a relationship unilaterally. If your sister has decided to go into the fortress mentality, there’s nothing you can do until she chooses to get out of that mindset.

    4. 1. Hmm… stay at home motherhood with small kids (under 3) who are home full-time is incredibly time-consuming, and I give plenty of slack for that. But with kids who are 5 and 7, and presumably are outside the home for a large chunk of the working week, less so. Maybe you’re busy at work during the hours that she has free (10-4?) and trying to connect on weekends when she has a lot of activities planned?
      2. Yes, I’d say let go of hurt feelings, and it’s great that you want to reconnect and already see and willing to do what it takes. I do think she should have supported you, and it’s big of you to try and get past that. But also, maybe try to understand her schedule and how/when best to contact her. Some people do best over email and text as opposed to long phone conversations. Or maybe making the effort to drive up there once in a while and spend a weekend reconnecting with her (maybe over kids activities).

    5. I have a somewhat similar dynamic with my sister, who older, the mother of three and also now in school part time in addition to working part time. She has 0 free time for anything other than the kids/school/work. I am married as well, but no kids yet and work full time as an attorney. I live an hour away. We continue to be close, though if I don’t make an effort, we can go 6 weeks or so without talking directly and only hearing about each other through our mom. Here’s what helps:

      Make an effort to call regularly, even if it’s just every other week or once a month (text in between is fine, but not a substitute). Maybe find a time when she won’t be distracted by kids- for instance, we often talk when my sister is driving into work or when she is her kid’s soccer practice (while another is on playground and the third is home with dad).

      If she doesn’t pick up or call back, call again the next day, and the next. Why should you make the effort and not her? Because you care. Because this is your sister, not a date who may or may not be that into you. I call my sister 9 times for every 1 time she calls me. It’s not because she doesn’t care. She’s busy and a little scatter brained. She’s always happy to hear from me.

      When you talk: focus on the things you have in common, which may mean not talking about work as much. Talk about the weather, other family members (mom is so annoying! etc), a tv show you both watch, relationship issues, etc in addition to the kids. Focus on stuff you have in common. You are interested in her kids because they’re your nieces/nephews– she has no real connection to your work, so it’s fine to talk about sometimes, but she might not feel qualified or interested in that topic. Find other friends/colleagues to vent to about work.

      At least once or twice a year (maybe when you’re home for holidays/birthdays), try to set aside some time to hang out alone. Maybe when the kids are asleep or with grandparents.

      But first- call and apologize. Tell her you miss how close you used to be. I don’t have kids, but I think it’s hard for her (and my sis) because kids are right in front of you, all the time, demanding your attention. You and I, on the other hand, are far away. Out of sight, out of mind. I think sibling relationships go in cycles. If you have kids one day and/or she starts a career when the kids are older, you might drift back together naturally based on common interests.

      1. I have the call 9 times for one return call thing with my sister too. I’m the one far away from the rest of the family. She’s younger and in school still, and generally preoccupied with herself.

        It’s a pain, but honestly, our teen years were rough, and I’m so so so so lucky to get along well with her now, and I really don’t care how much more effort I’m putting into the relationship, because I think I’m getting more than that back by having a good relationship with her.

        I feel like siblings are the only ones that get how crazy parents are, and the only people that really have the potential to be through your whole lives- when you’re little to when you’re old – so if I put in the effort now, hopefully she’ll do it in the future when I’m distracted, or at least there will be a strong foundation we can return to.

      2. Thanks all. It’s reassuring to hear I am not terribly selfish.

        I have tried reaching out a lot, like trying to call at times that it seems like she would be free or setting up times in advance for us to chat, but she just doesn’t pick up the phone. It’s a little depressing. Going to her isn’t something excited about because for reasons I don’t want to say, I would have to stay in a hotel. That plus transit, plus dog walker, is a bit much for me financially when really there is not much return.

        Also, I am finding a hard time dealing with the “just too busy thing” since my sister is a stay at home mom with kids at school and a house keeper who does all the cleaning and laundry. Her husband is also a really involved parent too (they split bedtime duties, etc) so its not like she’s a defacto Single parent either. i would be a lot more willing to excuse rudeness if she had more things over her plate.

        Clearly still need to work on the anger and just suck it up. I find myself be owning totally envious of people who have awesome sisters.

        1. You’re not terribly selfish, I’d be upset in your shoes too. But I’m afraid anonsis is right, this is your sister, if you want to continue a relationship you have to (for now at least) be willing to do 90% of the work without complain. The hardest is to find a time when you can actually talk. Maybe if you keep trying, and talking about your search, she’ll eventually help you find the magic time?

        2. You aren’t selfish, it seems like you and your sister just have different expectations and/or different time management/multitasking skills. If it were a regular friend or a significant other, everyone would say give up, dump him or her. It’s different because it’s your sister, so dumping her is pretty much off the table immediately (there are some instances where disowning a family member is justified, but this doesn’t seem like one of them). You have to figure out how to work with where she’s at. And it isn’t fair that it requires more effort from you because she’s unwilling to put it in. I hope that if you start putting in the effort, without resentment, she will start to meet you halfway.

          Do you think it’s possible she’s depressed or dealing with marital problems or something else is going on that your mom, who lives close by, might know about but not you?

    6. Carolyn Hax talks a lot about adjusting expectations in this type of situation. Is it fair? No. But if you want to have a relationship with your sister then you have to accept that she is going to talk about her kids, not be very sympathetic to your legitimate troubles, and be too busy to talk to you.

      My youngest sister pretty much only contacts me when she needs something. But I call her every other week or so to say hi or leave a voicemail. I used to get annoyed that she never called back or ever called to see how I am doing, but now I do it so I can be satisfied in knowing that I’m keeping the lines of communication open for when we do see each other.

  25. The hive will be happy to know that I have taken the conservative financial route, even though I don’t want to. Refinanced our 6.8% mortgage into one just over 4%, cut our payment by about $600/month, and am working on consolidating my credit card debt and my private student loan into a 6% installment loan that will be paid off in 3 years. Likely less than that, because I’m doing a take on the “snowball” method and taking the $600/month saved on the mortgage and adding that payment to the installment loan. Installment loan is going to be a second on the house, so the interest is actually tax deductible.

    Horse is still on the “selling” block, but it is pretty clear I’m going to have to show her to get her sold. That’s ok, we’ve budgeted for that. With all of the reduction in our payments, it isn’t such a stretch to afford her now anyway, and I have a junior who may want her for a 6 month lease under my trainer. So I’m being good, I just don’t have to like it! What’s 2 years, right? I guess if we have kids in the meantime we’ll get/build my husband a tuff shed in the back yard to use as his office, or something!

    1. I am proud of you! I am working on kicking my credit card debt now too – it sucks but will be worth it!

    2. Well done! I’m doing exactly the opposite – I just bought a horse.

      1. HA! It’s a disease! You see that I put “selling” in quotations there. This baby (not such a baby anymore) turned out to be much fancier, and worth more than I paid for her…so while she is going to get put on the “for sale” page and shown like she is for sale, I think it would take a really good offer for me to let her go! To buy another like her would cost me more than what I would save in board/training after taking a year off.

        Believe me, I’m doing interesting gymnastics with my budget to keep her. Not in a bad way – it has motivated me to get all of my debt in one place, at one low interest rate, so I can kick it faster!

        But congrats on your new baby! What is he/she? What does it do?

        1. Enjoy showing her while you wait for the really good offer!

          I bought the fanciest horse I’ve ever ridden – after a decade of working stupid hours in biglaw and sacrificing so much, I decided that now is the time. It’s a dressage horse with lots of experience, so I’m looking forward to having him teach me the ropes. But yes, I’m doing interesting gymnastics with my budget too – basically eliminating all expenses other than the absolutely necessary. Horses are money pits. But having one adds so much to my life.

          1. Ha – I feel the same way about my dog. Such a money pit and such a great addition to my life. (My budget is significantly less than biglaw, so proportionally, she might as well be a horse).

          2. Too fun! Nothing like sitting on something that really knows what it’s doing!

            I had kind of an ugly day of lessons at my barn today. I gave notice to go to a nicer place, and it is only about $50 more/month, and I gave notice by writing this really nice letter thanking the trainer for everything he’s done for me and explaining that I’d like to try a different training program at another location….and I feel like he was just really cranky and unprofessional about it today. I felt a little overfaced by the exercise, and at one point when I had made the same mistake more than once he yelled “maybe new trainer can fix that!” I though that I was being given the challenging lesson to show me what I was missing out on and maybe persuade me to stay…apparently not! Oh well, only 2 more weekends of lessons there and I’ll be in the new place with my deposit intact.

            They are money pits, but there is nothing like driving to the barn completely stressed out about life, and then hopping on, having a great ride, and then getting off a different person.

          3. That sounds rough – there can be so much ego involved in training programs. I love my trainer but I have to find a place closer to home and work now that I’ll be riding many more days a week. I’m seriously so concerned about ending up in a drama-filled place or with a big ego trainer that I’m considering a boarding-only place and trailering the horse to my old trainer every week.

            How many days a week do you manage to ride? I’m trying to work out a realistic schedule to balance riding with work and life in general.

  26. Has anyone had a breast reduction surgery? Any tips or advice, or anything you wish you had known?

    1. I did over 15 years ago. It was overall a good thing. I’d probably have elected to go a bit smaller to allow for any changes in weight over the years. They are still smaller and better lifted than they were, but weight creep has increased to a bit bigger than I’d like. Also, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I could still breast feed when I had my baby. I wasn’t able to do so exclusively, but even being able to do it at all was much better than I had been prepared for. My scars are just about invisible and sensation on the underside has partially returned. (That took a long time so be patient). Hope this helps.

      1. Thanks for adding in the info about breast feeding. I’m contemplating a breast reduction but haven’t ruled out having children and this has been my biggest concern.

        1. Check out resources for BFAR if you want all the details about different feeding methods. Also be sure to talk to your surgeon about how to best preserve the mammary systems. I had a very supportive lactation consultant who had seen several women that had success nursing post-reduction. She explained that breast milk is pretty magical stuff so even if my baby only got an ounce from me that it was still valuable for immunity building.

    2. I had one about eight years ago. Best decision ever!

      1. I agree that I wish I had gone a bit smaller. Mine grew back (not completely, but still …) — very sensitive to weight fluctuations. I also agree that the sensation took years to return to the undersides, but it did eventually!

      2. Make sure your doctor and your insurance company are on the same page about how much has to be removed to make it “medical” and covered.

      3. NO ONE noticed mine. And I lost 3 cup sizes. I got lots of comments on my weight loss, though. I did it during the winter (lots of bulky sweaters) and over a 2-week school break.

      4. I was able to provide breast milk for my daughter, but unable to breastfeed. I was expecting to not have enough milk supply, but I worked with a great LC and got that sorted out. Hurray! Unfortunately, reduction can reduce the elasticity and sensitivity of the nipple, and I had flattened nipples ahead of time, so there was just nothing for my daughter to latch on to. I had to exclusively pump. Through pumping, I was able to produce 100% of the milk that she needed for eight months, at which point I was ready to quit pumping because it was so … well, sucky. There’s a great book called “Defining Your Own Success” that you should read on this subject; key things to keep in mind are that the surgeon’s attention and skill can greatly impact your fate in this regard and that the longer you wait after yoru surgery to attempt breastfeeding, the easier it will be. It was almost seven years for me.

      5. Enjoy lots of pretty, lacy bras and non-wrap dresses!

      6. It’s an outpatient surgery. You’ll be up and around pretty quickly.

      1. Thanks, Margaret and mascot. I anticipate I will get this surgery in a few years so I watched for responses.

  27. I know we’ve talked about this before, but thoughts on hand-written v. email note for an important contact made at a conference?

    Hand written seems more special/thoughtful (am I just old-fashioned about this?), but email is more conducive to a response/forwarding my note to someone else–which I’d like to have happen, since the person suggested I talk to someone else from their company.

    Thoughts? The person is GC of a very large company if that makes a difference.

    1. I’m young (28), but I think handwritten notes are a too old-fashioned for what you’re trying to convey. I’d leave the handwritten notes for holiday cards and personal friends. Another reason to send an email is that it’s easily searchable if the GC wants to find your name and/or email address in a few months! The handwritten note might end up in the recycling bin forever.

      1. That’s a very good point. I’ll stick with the email. Would you also do a LinkedIn request? I can’t quite grasp what the right moment is for that one.

        1. I would. I think LinkedIn is more accepted and less “weird” than it used to be, especially for acquaintances. I also think this is one of the most natural times to send the request, right after you’ve had an interaction.

        2. I think now is the time to send a LinkedIn request. Add in your message that you met at the conference, so he remembers.

  28. What to wear to a Sporting Event?

    Hey everyone. I’m looking for advice on what to wear this Monday. I am going to a Monday Night Football game with my current boss and my old boss (from my old firm). There will be other people there from my old firm and I think it may be a recruiting event. I know my old firm is heavily recruiting my current boss. So, my question is what do I wear? I can change at work but I don’t want to go too casual since most of the other people there will be men who will probably not change and will just be in khakis/dress pants and polo shirts. Any advice?? If it makes any difference we will be in a company box.

    Thanks!

    1. I’d probably wear a sheath dress with fun jewelry–and probably would not change. If you’re not a dress person, maybe black pants and a work appropriate top? I’d probably go for a skinnier cut in pants, and maybe carry a more “fun” blazer, or go for more “fun” shoes. Things I would wear to the office, but not stuff I would ONLY wear to the office if that makes sense.

      1. Not sure which MNF game you’re going to (there are two this week), but keep in mind that it could get chilly. I would probably opt for black pants of some sort and a sleeveless blouse/top with a cardigan or a jacket and flat shoes.

    2. I would definitely wear home team apparel, unless you dislike the team/root for another one. Even if you’re ambivalent about football, go by a tshirt/sweatshirt/hat or a replica jersey, if you don’t mind spending the money. Here’s my thought process: a person will never look out of place at a football game if wearing team apparel, even if others in his/her immediate group are not. A person wearing business or business casual clothing will definitely look out of place at a football game, unless the people in her group are wearing the same (and then the whole group will just look out of place together, which is fine).

      From a networking perspective, there is an assumption women don’t care about sports/football. That may be true for you. But if you wear a team logo item or jersey, it at least opens the conversation: “oh do you cheer for x?” “I’m not that into football honestly, but I always cheer for the home team. What about you?”

  29. A friend posted on facebook about Stitch Fix – has anyone used this service? It seems like it could be a fun and easy way to get new clothes, but I don’t know the kinds of stuff they’re shipping.

    1. I didn’t find it sufficiently professional for my needs, but I have several friends who love it.

    1. I read it, thanks for posting. It’s tough because I really see both perspectives: why they have a huge problem and why certain approaches may have backfired or been manipulated. It makes me really glad it’s not my job to make those kinds of decisions–but some day, it might be, and I certainly care about the issue. Hmm.

      I think more attention probably needs to go to the post-MBA factors they mentioned briefly, such as the guest speaker who told women not to go into his field because they weren’t welcome. It may be true, but it needs to become not true. In the meantime it makes sense that the school has trouble silencing these kinds of perspectives.

      That said, I don’t think much of the argument that “the real world isn’t gender-equitable, so we shouldn’t create an idyllic bubble on our campus.” Change comes about ALL THE TIME driven by students or young people who see contradictions between principles and practice once they leave campus, and HBS grads are some of the most influential people in the world.

    2. I thought this article was really interesting. I don’t have an MBA, but I worked for an Ivy League MBA program before going to law school. There are some different factors at play in MBA programs, which the article calls out – in law school, there isn’t a noticeable population of people who aren’t going to have to have “real jobs”, but I definitely saw that at the MBA program that I worked for (which wasn’t HBS, but was comparable in status, name recognition, and student body). My law school class included the child of a name partner of an extremely prestigious Wall Street firm – recognizeable to anyone who knows biglaw – but that kid worked as hard as anyone else, and wasn’t part of a rich kid clique. The intersection of class and gender was one of the most interesting parts of the article to me.

  31. TJ Alert: I’ve been noticing that within the past 4-5 years, there has been a huge increase in fashion and make-up “gurus” both on Youtube and the general internet. A lot of them are women who posts clips of their OOTD (outfit of the day) and make-up routines. They have a huge following and some have even made a good career out of these hobbies (good for them!).

    My question is: To what extent do you think we need them? Do you think women in general lack that much fashion sense that we have to look to strangers for inspiration? My answer: yes, sometimes. What about yours? What is your answer? Can’t we dress ourselves? Is it that hard to match clothes, put together an outfit and put on make-up?

    1. There has always been a market for this kind of advice – hence fashion mags. The Internet simply diversifies and democratizes the content away from professional editors to ‘regular folks’.

    2. I certainly need help. I spent 3/4 of my life so oblivious about this stuff. I never have read fashion magazines, and my wardrobe has improved about 100% since I started reading this site. Now I just need to step up my makeup situation…

      1. Me too! I’m good at a lot of things in life, but I don’t have a good eye and often can’t tell what looks put together. Before I started using a personal shopper I didn’t have a single item of clothing with a print on it (just seemed to complicated to me).

  32. Ladies, my niece who is turning 9 is having a birthday party and wants everyone to show up as a character from a book. I love reading, but I hate dressing up. Any ideas?

    FWIW, I’m in my 40’s, relatively tall, blonde and I wear glasses. I want to do something fun, but easy. Plus, it’s a joint birthday with her older sister, who is turning 10 and very sporty. So, the first half of the party is based around water sports. Bonus points if you can combine the two, without making me wear something too skimpy…

    1. I’d go as Waldo. Striped shirt & jeans. Camera around his neck. Add a snorkel mask for fun.

    2. I’d pick someone from modern day that has one identifiable accessory. Like Bridget Jones, and you bring a journal (which you can then leave on a table somewhere). Most of my favorite books at that age were either historical fiction or a classic, but if you can find something modern that your niece could relate to, I’d go with that.

    4. Assuming you have long hair, how about Alice from “Alice in Wonderland” (the original drawings, not Disney)? If I’m recalling correctly you’ll need a hairband, a white blouse, a blue skirt, and black flats or Mary Janes. Oh, wait–the first half of the party involves water sports. Leave your hair wet, add a red top (bonus points for a sweetheart neckline), and green pants and shoes (or black shoes w/ black or green socks) and go as the Little Mermaid.

      Please post back with your decision!

  33. If you have a long skirt and a suitable blouse, you could go as one of the girls from “Little Women.” Hermione from “Harry Potter” would be easy — gray skirt, gray sweater, white shirt, striped tie, magic wand. Bonus points for an academic robe. https://www.google.com/search?q=hermione+granger&client=firefox-a&hs=i0&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&channel=fflb&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=2dcrUs3dI8aP2gXP3YCYBA&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1536&bih=679

  34. I have had the most awkward taxi ride of my life. In a city with more taxis than New York how is it possible that me and my companion get into one and a) driver is his friend and b) remembers taking me home a few weeks back and me gushing about this bloke and how we had a history. Which resulted in everything from wedding jokes to bringing up my last ex to my companion saying something about me that is true about hos ex but not me….. so so awkward.

    (But oh so worth it. I may end up heartbroken again but third time’s the charm!)

    2. Nude heels, yes, but not those nude heels — they are not sufficiently formal. And while the judges will not be able to see your feet at the podium, they will be able to see your feet while you sit at counsel table and when you walk to the podium. I would wear something more conservative.

      1. Agree with this. These read as too trendy/young too me. I’d aim for a more classic pump shape, in nude or a different color.

      2. Honest and truly, the judges won’t care about your shoes. They might care if you were wearing hooker platforms or strappy sandals, but those shoes in nude would be fine.

        Good luck with your argument!!

        1. +1 – agreed, those are cute & I would wear them to court w/o thinking twice.

    3. Oh that’s so interesting. Seems like everyone is trying to knock off the Rockstud look. I saw some photos off Kellie Pickler in the Rockstud pumps in leopard. Gorgeous! But calf hair which is creepy.

      As for whether they are conservative enough, it depends entirely on what they look like in person. Are they really shiny and sparkly? They don’t look bad in the picture.

      1. I think it’s interesting that Rockstud knockoffs are only now becoming widely available, even though the Rockstuds themselves came out several years ago. They are so freakin’ awesome that I would have expected knockoffs to have proliferated much sooner.

        I swear if I were not in Reduced Circumstances I would be so tempted to buy a pair of the real thing…

        1. Yeah, me, too – accept I couldn’t ever have afforded them! The funny thing is, when I ordered the Ivanka Trump knockoffs, my SO encouraged me to return them (he said they were too special occasion). I showed him the real thing and he was kind of me. He wasn’t impressed at all! And he’s usually a fan of my shoes.

    4. Is your suit a pants suit or a skirt suit? I would err on the side of conservative. Arguments before appellate courts are the one of the most formal situations I can think of in the practice of law.

      Those shoes are probably ok with a pant suit, but I wouldn’t want to draw attention to my feet, so I wouldn’t wear them with a skirt suit.

      I know the prevailing wisdom is not to, but I usually wear black shoes with my navy pant suits. No one has said anything to me about it, and they blend in the best of anything else I’ve found.

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