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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This pretty, ruffled, sleeveless top looks like a great piece to layer under a blazer or cardigan for the office — and I think it would be adorable for the weekend with shorts. Oh, and did I mention it comes in basic black and white as well and is winning rave reviews? The top was originally $68 but is now on sale for $34, sizes XS-XL. Banana Republic Layered Ruffle Tank
Here's a plus-size option.
Psst: Brooks Brothers has a killer sale going on today, with prices up to 70% off. This nice basic suit jacket in regular and petites (with matching skirt and pants) is way down ($498 to $149); the sweater and handbag selection is also worth checking out.
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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KT
Oh Kat no.
anonymous
+1
Anon
Yep
Anonymous
Agreed.
CountC
Yep.
Anon4This
It looks great! For a 4 year old. :/
NotLegalCounsel
I like it for the weekend.
January
I don’t particularly *like* this top – the ruffles are oddly placed, to my mind — but I can’t really understand the toddler comments.
Lyssa
It’s not really my style, but I think that it looks really great on the model and would definitely compliment a friend who was wearing it for casual wear. Terrible for work, unless you almost completely cover it up with a blazer. I can’t see the ruffles working with a cardi.
Red Velvet
Definitely the worst thing I’ve seen Kat post. For work. It’s ok (but not fabulous) for the weekend.
Anonymous
I’m completely confused by all of these comments. I would totally wear this to work under a blazer. I don’t understand how this is not work appropriate.
Cc
It’s completely fine if you are playing a Business Lady in a 1987 movie where a child becomes your boss due to a freaky Friday situation and you teach him about business and responsibility and that his parents have been tough on him because they love him, and he teaches you to live in the moment and enjoy the time we have.
For a woman in 2016 who cares about fashion in the slightest, it’s a hard pass
soaps
HAHA!! Thank you for this
crazytalk
She’s posted some things that are worse, but this is not an office-appropriate item.
Yellowstone
Eh – I don’t think it is inappropriate, but ruffles run the danger of being a bit twee for most people. I have not been a fan of All The Ruffles at BR this season.
JJ
I’m 6′ tall, so it would be a crop top on me. Hard pass. But I could see it being cute on the weekend for someone else.
Killer Kitten Heels
For me, it’s the color + neckline + ruffles – it would maybe be fine but not great under a blazer in, say, black or navy, but in this kind of bright pinky purple? It looks more like an Easter top for a toddler than a thing an adult woman should be wearing to an office.
Anonymous
To me, the ruffles plus the purple color makes it look like frosting tiers, which is not exactly a look that screams work appro to me.
bridget
I saw a woman wearing this today! She looked completely office-appropriate, except for her ponytail.
Killer Kitten Heels
…. and, I’m ded from laughing now. I see what you’re up to, there.
jwalk
Agree so hard. Not only is this not office appropriate, it’s not an age-appropriate look for anyone over 12, and the location of the seam and ruffles are only going to flatter a petite woman with a very large chest, if that.
zorak
I love the color, that weird seam/deflated peplum thing is what does it for me.
Anon
Weird, that’s what I like about it. Then again, I’m really thin and have no waist or chest to speak of, so I’m always looking for things that create a bit of shape and make me not look like a 12 year old boy. To each their own, I guess.
lsw
Speaking of “going out” outfits from our 20s….
Pretty Primadonna
*snickers*
Mariah
23 year old here, who also happens to be a (soon graduated, hallelujah) 3L: Still no. This looks godforsakenly cheap and like something a middle schooler would make in their first sewing class (with this fabric). I would not be caught dead in this going out. Or at work. Or anywhere. Ever.
Pita
This could not possibly work under a cardigan without looking all bulgy and frumpy, and it would look silly under a blazer.
Anonymous
Yes.
EB0220
I love this top only because all of your comments made me laugh out loud in my office. Otherwise, no.
Pretty Primadonna
I would like this top minus the elastic at the bottom. Perhaps nipped at the waist with a seam?
Anonymous
Yes, lately Banana has been putting elastic waists on all their tops and dresses and it looks so cheap.
Bonnie
This shirt looks so unflattering. I can’t imagine it for work or the weekend.
Anon
I must be alone, but I actually really like this. I wouldn’t wear it to work because I don’t think it would work under either a cardigan or blazer. it might not be flattering on everyone, but I disagree that it’s as childish as everyone is saying. For what it’s worth, I’m in my mid twenties.
Never too many shoes
Not alone, Anon. I like it too…with a pencil skirt and ankle strap shoes, I think it would look great. That being said, I am personally a fan of anything that glams up my boring lawyer office. I would totally wear this to a Discovery under a suit. Don’t mind the haters, Kat.
Annon
Have I time traveled? Is it April Fools Day again?
Honeycrisp
+1
cinnamon gelato
Pretty color, but I do not like the shape at all.
Wedding gift help!
Need help getting a wedding gift for some friends from law school getting married next weekend. They met in law school but are otherwise very different in taste, style, job type… and have NO registry. Because we are very good friends I’d like to get them more than a donation to a charity or check for the honeymoon, but I am just not having luck coming up with a good idea. Any ideas?
Cb
A nice bottle of champagne to be opened on their anniversary? Gift certificate for their favourite restaurant?
Teeth
What about an activity like a cooking class or giftcard to a nice restaurant? Fancy bottle of champagne or some kind of “welcome home” treat basket delivered when they return from honeymoon? Other than that, they are very clearly sending the message that they don’t want “things” so I wouldn’t get them a “thing” just because it makes you feel good… Off registry things we received that we did not appreciate included anything engraved with names and subscriptions to __ of the month clubs.
Carrie M
+1 – we got a few “activity” type gifts and really liked them. We’ve also gone in with other friends on getting a gift certificate to a really well known hotel/restaurant (The Inn at Little Washington) so that our newly married friends could take a weekend away at some point when they needed a break. They ended up taking it for their 1-year anniversary and said it was super fun.
Complainer
I’ve had luck doing engraved champagne bottles + something else (gift card, cash, lux olive oil/snacks etc). For non drinkers I’ve done a custom engraved cutting board.
Scarlett
Our hands down favorite wedding gifts were open table gift certificates – we got to pick the restaurant that way and each time it was a fun “oh dinner is from this friend tonight.”
Clementine
I would love this as a gift! You could use them at home, on vacation…. Oh man, I might have figured out what to get my in-laws.
Bonnie
Minimial DIY but I love the idea of a box of different wines with labels like first Thanksgiving, first fight, first New Year’s, first etc.
Anonymous
Honestly, if they haven’t registered they probably want cash.
Anonymous
They want cash. A thoughtful gift is nice but probably not that appreciated .
Anonymous champagne fan
Champagne with a pair of glasses, maybe from your common alma mater. A friend did this for my husband and me when we got engaged, and though we have a set of fancier champagne glasses in the house (college bookstores don’t necessarily stock the finest glassware) we often use the gift pair and always think really happily of the person who sent them. I’m smiling right now remembering it!
Confused
I keep getting LinkedIn requests – with the generic message – from people I don’t know and have never interacted with. Is this a thing now? Why?
lost academic
People will upload their email contacts and LinkedIn will try and connect them with everyone on that list…
Meg Murry
Or every so often LinkedIn will pop up with some kind of “see who else you know on LinkedIn” and it’s really easy to accidentally click the wrong thing and it tries to send the generic message to every single person you have ever sent an email to or received one from in GMail.
Or it’s just straight up spam and if you connect with them you will be bombed with spammy messages. If I can’t tell how/why I might know a person by a glance at their profile, I click ignore right away.
Anonymous
Are they recruiters? I’ve had a lot of recruiters try to contact me like this, which I guess is a legit way to source talent (although I hate it)…
Not to be paranoid, but after years of working in cyber security for the government, I just flat out won’t accept social media requests from people I don’t know. Ever.
Anon
Ha, ditto to this! Although many of my coworkers refuse to use any social media platforms, so I get the side eye.
Emmabean
I’ve got this happening. There’s no benefit to accepting, from what I’ve seen. People are just trying (in the wrong manner) to have a huge network.
Confused
They aren’t recruiters (I get those) or even contacts of contacts. Just completely random people, often in unrelated fields!
Anon
Fake accounts are often created in order to mine data – some interesting articles on it out there
MKB
Oh! I wondered what the point was. I’ve been getting a lot of requests from accounts that are obviously fake, and couldn’t figure out what the benefit was to whoever created them. Mystery solved!
anonymous
I get to go to a free barre class tomorrow, and I have no idea what barre is. For exercise I usually like running, lifting weights, and boxing, will I be horribly out of place at this thing and make an utter fool of myself?
crazytalk
I go to the Bar Method and am not coordinated. I like it though because it works my body in a different way than my regular workouts (kickboxing, bootcamp etc)
Anonymous
No, you will not be out of place. It should not be called “barre” because it has absolutely nothing to do with ballet. It is mainly holding on to the barre while doing various lunge-type exercises. If you have grippy socks, wear them, but regular socks will work.
Runner 5
Some barre classes have more to do with ballet than others, I think. But they’re meant to be accessible to people who’ve never danced, so you won’t be out of place at all. There’s a great Buzz feed video with a group of them trying out barre.
Anonymous
I was like you (primarily doing weightlifting, running and kickboxing) and I fell in love with barre last year. It’s an amazing workout without too much sweating (which makes it ideal to do over the lunch hour). As a long-time runner, I was amazed at how much it defined my legs and toned in places I didn’t know needed toning. And it made me much more flexible, which was helpful in all areas of life (particularly avoiding injury while running). Just follow along with the instructor and don’t be afraid to tell her that you’re new – it took a few sessions before I could fully get the motions (they are very nuanced, and even a small adjustment can make a big difference) but it was worth it in the long run!
Anon in NYC
Yes, definitely tell the instructor that you’re new. Barre involves a lot of small movements that might not be intuitive and s/he will definitely (or should) give you extra attention to adjust your form.
Zelda
You’ll be fine. I’ve taken the occasional bar class at a variety of fitness levels (from completely sedentary to fairly fit) and always enjoyed them. I did not always enjoy the crowd, which (depending on class, location and city) ranges from fairly diverse to “ladies who lunch.” It might be my own personal hangups, but I didn’t love the class where I was the only one who wasn’t a 20-something waif with a giant rock on her finger.
Anon
Ha! I just joined a barre studio in DC and this is exactly the demographic. They are all really nice, but they sound like Kardashians.
Abigail
Even in Houston, the 20-something waif with a giant rock on her finger is definitely the typical attendee. If you can hang though, it’s a great workout, especially if you attend fairly regularly for a couple months. You’ll notice differences in your strength, posture, fitness and muscle density.
Houstonian
I’m kind of surprised you said “even in Houston” because I thought we had a higher than average percentage of this type!
I really enjoy barre classes. From the outside looking in, it doesn’t look that hard, but you certainly feel it (especially the next day)!
In the Pink
Where do you gals attend barre classes? I’d like to check it out. I’m neither of those adjectives; actually quite the opposite of each, but long time Houstonian! Come to think of it, when I was in the 20s, my age was the only part of that description which I met :)
Houstonian
I recently joined Equinox and like their classes (I also find that it’s cheaper than any pay-by-the-class option – even though it is still pretty pricey). I have several friends who like PureBarre.
Laura B
Is it ballet barre? I go to an adult ballet barre class at a ballet studio and I really like it. Our classes are structured with about 30 minutes at the barre doing short ballet exercises – lots of leg/foot work. They really start to burn when you do them right. Then we stretch at the barre – one leg up on the barre at a time. I’m a dedicated/practice every day yogi but barre stretching is my absolute favorite. Then we do about 20 minutes of floor exercises, like practicing turns/spins or little combinations. This was by far the most intimidating part for me, and I hated it the first few times. But then you start to get better and it’s kind of fun.
It was really intimidating at first, but really no one is looking at you. TBH for the first six months I only kept going back because I wanted to become better friends with the regulars who were in the class and I really loved the stretching. A year and a half later and I still go every week, and they talked me into performing in a recital last December which was really fun.
Anonymous
That sounds like a real ballet class, not a barre method class. The barre method is, sadly, unrelated to ballet and way less fun, although it’s not bad for an exercise class.
Laura B
After I posted and read the other comments, I thought that I was probably talking about something different. :)
Bonnie
I love barre classes. In my experience, the instructors know who is new and pay extra attention to make sure that you’re doing the poses correctly. Wear leggings, a tank and bring socks.
Mrs. Jones
I run and practice hot yoga and totally made a fool of myself at pure barre. It is HARD. IME, the instructions are very detailed and very hard to follow at first. I did about one-quarter of what they said to do, and I was sore for days. I didn’t think it was fun, but it’s a great workout.
Maddie Ross
You won’t be out of place, but I would offer a different opinion and say that if you are used to cardio based workouts (running and boxing), you may not enjoy it. I didn’t. I found it uncomfortable and boring. It didn’t relax me like yoga or get me hyped like running or HIIT. I tried it twice and deemed it 100% not for me.
Super anon for this!
All the secret-confession talk the other day got me thinking: how normal is it to have a thing for your colleagues? This seems to arise a lot in the context of a woman having a crush on her older male superior. My initial reaction as a feminist is to want to recoil, because it’s such a stereotype. But the truth is that this has happened to me before, including now. I totally have a thing for one of my male colleagues, who is senior to me. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that my identity is so wrapped up with my job, which takes up such a massive part of my time. I spend more time with my colleagues that with anyone else.
Have others experienced this? I am married with kids and would never act on these crushes but I sure think about them a lot.
Yellowstone
Smart, interesting, engaged people around your age with whom you spend a large portion of your day? Who you presumably see at their best (assuming they behave professionally)?
I don’t think it is unusual at all to find those sorts of people attractive and want them to find you attractive (as a definition for crush). I think it’s largely a proximity thing.
life
Yes, this has happened to me a lot. I think it is pretty “normal” to be attracted to people in general. You are a human being, and developing a level of attraction to successful, interesting and good looking people around you is basically encoded in our genome.
But we have evolved. I don’t act on it. Ever. Work and private life for me is totally separate. I hate drama at work.
Sometimes it takes a little concentration on my part, as I blush easily!
And it is very normal to have a fantasy life.
Jen
I once had a mental thing that I think I just invented because I was bored. It was a colleague from another office in another part of the country and he was just NOTHING like my (wonderful) husband. I’m married to a highly educated, white-collar raised, scotch and craft beer drinking guy who has hobbies like woodworking, welding, sailing and antique cars* and doesn’t give a rat’s aSS about professional sports. He’s an inch or two taller than me and kind of quiet/reserved, not super social. Kind of like the mad inventor type.
The guy I had a semi thing for was a “got around to college eventually” Budweiser-only, football-fanatic, tattoo’d midwestern guy who was like, 6’4 and had all that stereotypical southern charm. He also had a child from when he got a girl pregnant at 16, and then younger kids from his later in life marriage. He held doors, brought me snacks when he went out to lunch, gave everyone bear hugs, remembered my birthday and my kids’ names, and always walked people to a cab after happy hour. He once told me he got up at 5am on the weekends to make sure the lawn was “pristine” by the time his neighbors woke up on weekends so his lawn looked best.
It was seriously this crazy mental thing where it was just *SO DIFFERENT* to imagine. There was one time, at one conference, that we drank too much and there was (in my very drunk head) some vague possibility that something could happen. We both went to bed (separately!) and after that it just wasn’t interesting to me anymore. I think I just enjoyed playing it out in my head. We are both happily married with kids, live half a country apart, etc!
* lest you think this is fancy, let me tell you how this plays out: we have a 1962 rusty land cruiser that DH “works on” in his “spare time” sitting in our garage; it cost $2000. We have a small racing sailboat DH bought convinced he’d get back into racing (<$3000) that sits in our yard covered by a tarp. We have a basement full of woodworking tools DH bought at a yard sale from an old man.
Emmabean
We have a 1969 land cruiser! When we were younger we drove it around the country on a grand road trip and slept on the roof in sleeping bags with our border collie (we built a special roof rack for this purpose). I love to tell people about that because it seems so far removed from my life now.
Anonymous
Now I want to buy a 1969 Land Cruiser and do this!
Complainer
Buy one that is restored. Trust me on this. I’ve had to dust mine.
Anonymous
Hee hee, guy #2 sounds so much like my husband!
Laura B
I think it’s totally normal. My office is pretty small, but I’ve had a thing for a customer. That was totally invented in my head, since I only saw him every few months. It burned out in six months or so, and now when I run into him I don’t really get what I thought was so great.
el capitan
I think it’s natural because like other posters have said, you’re probably spending way more of your time with these colleagues in certain jobs than with other friends or SOs. Also, in our busy 1/3 of the year, I work 60-80 hours regularly and have NO time to date. When I’m single, the only men I do interact with are all my co-workers. I cut myself some slack for having those crushes because there is no one else my brain will be able to fantasize about! It’s not like there are guys falling from the sky for me to consider. I had a thing for my boss that I never, ever acted on and never, ever showed (we only ever spent time together at work in professional meetings or socialized in a group with the rest of my team) and it is because he is smart, collaborative, considerate and advocates for me. He’s honestly not even that physically attractive. When I have time to date/are dating others, these feelings definitely are much lower key because I have other outlets.
Abigail
I have a thing for a male partner I work under.
For me, personally, I think it’s a daddy issues thing. I hate to admit that and it makes me feel ashamed, but having an older man in my life who thinks highly of me and respects me and validates me fills an emotional hole left by a dad who was pretty withholding.
(Swear I’m not a troll. Just being honest about what my own armchair psycho-analysis has led me to think)
anon
Yup. It’s probably also a daddy issues thing for me. And I am a successful female partner who should not feel the need for approval from anyone. Ugh.
ALL the Anon
Same. The “older man in my life who thinks highly of me and respects me and validates me fills an emotional hole left by (my) dad” thing is totally accurate. My dad is….better now that he’s not a raging alcoholic (and I’m not living at home….) but there was a lot of disrespect aimed at me when I was in my teens. I know he’s proud of me, but having someone who’s validating and always respectful of me and never makes fun of me? I didn’t really realize how much I needed that. My boss was also one of the only positive males in my life while I was trying to get out of an abusive relationship- seeing how men SHOULD treat women, and knowing he would be horrorstruck if he knew how I was being treated was actually a big part of why I got the hell out of there. He told me one time he was on “Team ALL the Anon,” and that was kind of life changing. To hear someone say that they were unconditionally for me? Probably right about then was when I developed feelings for him.
Anonymous
I don’t know how people have work crushes. I spend so much time with the guys at work that by the end of the week their all of their little quirks start to drive me nuts and I wonder, “how does your wife put up with you?”
Anonymous
That is totally the antidote for a work crush – I think most of the time, crushes happen when you spend some time, but not most of your time with a person. Just enough to find them attractive, but not enough to find anything annoying.
CountC
Hahaha yes! I had a work crush, then I talked to him more, and now I think he is gross. I now have other work crushes. Runs at lunch crush, works down the cube farm from me crush. None that I would ever act on despite being single, but it’s fun to see cute guys at work!
Anonymous
I totally had a little crush on a junior partner I worked with as a junior associate. He was about 15 years older than me and not really conventionally attractive but he was nice to me (so rare in Big Law) and a little flirtatious in a non-sleazy way, and I really admired his ability to be both a great lawyer and a great person. We didn’t spend much time together in person since we worked in different offices, which I think added to the crush because I always looked forward to seeing him. We were both happily married (and still are) so it never went beyond very mild flirting, but it made my time at that firm much more enjoyable.
Anon
Here’s my own deep dark secret: your description of your work crush reminded so much of my own situation that immediately wondered if we had a crush on the same person and felt a surge of insane jealousy.
I need help.
dear diary
I LOVE having secret crushes on people. I’m very happily married and would never, ever consider crossing into “inappropriate” or “actual temptation” territory, but I enjoy having a least one person (male or female) in my social circle to crush on. I day dream about running into them at a party or something where I look AMAZING and we have one of those conversations where I’m brilliant and funny and warm and they are just totally blown away by me. There might be some leaning in close or lower back touching, but no kissing. In real life, I like that little extra frisson of excitement wondering if I’ll bump into them (a dad at school pick-up, a girlfriend at the gym, a, a client at their site) and I’ll put on my “nice” yoga pants in anticipation. And then I just interact with them like a normal person, not a 14 year old girl.
It’s all totally innocent … it’s kind of like having a celebrity crush. My current crush is somewhat problematic in that he’s so different/outside my circle that I have trouble conjuring up a scenario where we might actually interact, much less what we’d talk about, but I’m working on it!
Complainer
Ugh, I’m3 hours into a 6 hour call with my 2 least favorite types of people: investment bankers and sales people. The amount of sheer BS being thrown around the room is mind boggling.
#sendwine
What’s everyone doing this friday??
JJ
My job has a lot of contact with both of those types, as well. My sympathies.
Anonymous
I’m wishing I were at home and the weekend had already started. We are driving to the beach tomorrow for just the day with the kiddos, and I could not be more excited about it.
CountC
“Enjoying” a day with only one conference call. Counting down the minutes until COB, at which point I will be going over to the Greek Fest to get ALL THE FOODS. Following that, a quick run, then home to cuddle with my animals for the rest of the night!
Runner 5
If you’re just dialled in rather than in the room at least you can do plenty of eye-rolling, right?
Complainer
Yes, I know better that to do these things in person. I do not have a poker face.
Betty
Oh I am horrible at keeping a poker face! Godspeed with the call today. Just ugh.
CountC
I <3 the mute button.
Laura B
After the.longest.week.ever in a series of weeks that just keep getting longer and longer, I’m cleaning out my personal bins in my office. There’s all kinds of crap in there I don’t need here. I also broke my personal pretty strict no FB at work rule and changed my Facebook profile and cover pics so I can get lots of likes.
Mrs. Jones
Like!
cbackson
conference calls back to back from now to day’s end. I hate to ask my assistant to buy lunch for me but I’m going to have to because I’m literally not able to leave my office until 5 PM.
anon
When I have a day like this, I take one or two calls on my headphones while walking. I go outside, walk, mute the line, and chime in when I need to. Works best on the big multi-person calls where I mostly will listen, not if I need to look at docs and talk a lot.
cbackson
Sadly, I am leading all of these calls…
Meg March
All of my attorneys are out of the office today, so I’m pretty much just filling the “butt in seat for 8 hours” role today…
Betty
I’m in-house and the only attorney in the office today, so I too am “manning the desk” today.
Senior Attorney
Normal day at the office.
But my son is coming to town for the weekend and after work he and I and Lovely Fiance are going to the Dodgers game! And get this — it’s LF’s first time at Dodger Stadium! Crazy! I told my son and he said “good thing he met us!” LOL
And if we have time before the game, we’re going to the jeweler to pick up our wedding rings! Woo hoo!
Anon
I’m sitting in my mother’s hospital room, trying to work but taking a little break here. I actually work well from the hospital–I like filling my time and brain with something other than what is actually going on in this room.
Anon
I’m struggling with my company’s culture. At the lower levels, I really liked it. People were friendly and genuine. But as I’ve gotten higher up, I find it to be insincere with lots of ladder-climbers and posturing. The focus seems less on doing good work and more on making sure everyone knows who you’re connected to, which great projects you’ve been chosen for, how many long hours you worked, etc.
I hate it. How do I know if this is just my company’s culture or if it would be like this anywhere as I climb the ladder? It’s all making me wonder if I even want to climb it, and/or if I’d be happier as a contractor so I could avoid all the politics.
Anon
I think this is everywhere, honestly. I hate being in a C-Suite type role from a day-to-day perspective. I really miss the normalcy of professionals and the water-cooler type dialogue. I don’t mind the paycheck enough to regret the upward move, but I wouldn’t hang out with anyone on my current level on the weekend.
LAnon
Yes, even the most warm and fuzzy companies will start to have office politics as you go higher in the food chain. I’m at a pretty high executive level and I really really miss the camaraderie of working at the lower levels. The only thing that makes it slightly better for me is that I see myself as engaging in the politics on behalf of my team, not just for self-promotion. Like, if we were a country, I would be dealing with all the international politics so that they could feel happy and secure (and increase our GDP).
It’s challenging because the issue is twofold – one, you have to deal with all these irritating people who are shameless ladder-climbers and self-promoters. Two, you feel yourself becoming one of those people in order to stay relevant. What I mentioned above helps with the second one. The only thing I’ve found to help with the first is wine and spin class. :)
Senior Attorney
I agree with the above posts.
And I don’t know that being a contractor would get you out of the politics. You’d still need to get yourself onto the projects, so you’d still need to politic, right?
Breadwinner
Having some worries about my loved ones’ financial situations.
-My parents are about 6 years from retirement. They have generally made poor financial decisions, have bought two houses in past 5 years and sold both at a loss. In the financial crisis, they lost nearly all of their money. I think they are re-building. They have moved to a LCOL area and my father just got a new job. I think their combined income is 200ish. But they spend a ton on general expenses, just bought a new car, and just aren’t in the best place and likely can’t retire on time. They just informed me that they are taking all of their savings – except 401k – out of the markets forever, because “when Trump gets elected, we will have a massive global depression.” Does this sound crazy? I expect they have several hundred thousand in the markets – maybe 400. They have a broker but no real FA.
-My fiancé whom I am marrying in a few months is 38 and has NO retirement savings or any savings so to speak. He is an attorney but became one in his early 30s. He’s had several long-term bouts of unemployment that drained his savings. However, he owns a house in a Brooklyn neighborhood that is transforming exponentially. He owes about 100k on it and it was recently appraised at 2+ million. Surely that helps? He has no debt and makes additional rental income, and our monthly expenses are very low. He has only been employed about 10 months, and is starting to rebuild his savings.
Meanwhile I am 26. I am not an attorney but have high earning potential and currently make low 6-figures, more than my fiancé. I max out my 401k, which has an exceptional employer match, and save about an extra 20-25% post-tax income to build out a substantial emergency fund. I have no debts. I am worried I am going to be eventually supporting my elderly parents and my significantly older husband. Also, this doesn’t include kids, which we plan to have in the next few years – and will obviously hugely impact financial state. Thoughts? Am I overreacting? How can I help?
Anon
I’m confused. How is having 400k in investments and a 200k/yr job reflective of poor finances? Same with a 2M home and a lot of years to work. That sounds like people at the top of the food chain, not some scary situation.
Yellowstone
If the are less than 5-10 years from retirement and ONLY have 400k for retirement, then that is poor planning.
You can make 200k, but if you spend 198K of it, you’re not really planning for the future.
The finance situation has me less concerned.
Amy
Sounds like they are just not actually that close to retirement then. If they’re still making good money, they can just work longer, barring significant health issues.
Yellowstone
If the are less than 5-10 years from retirement and ONLY have 400k for retirement, then that is poor planning.
You can make 200k, but if you spend 198K of it, you’re not really planning for the future.
The fiance situation has me less concerned.
Runner 5
Even if we don’t have a global depression caused by Trump, we’ll have one caused by the UK leaving the EU. I’m absolutely terrified. (My best friend has multiple passports and isn’t so worried, which is making me feel even more worried!)
Cb
Ugh, my stomach just lurched at this thought. I’ve been in my little Scottish leftwing bubble and while logically, I know the polls are close, it didn’t hit me until I was down south and heard people talking about it.
Runner 5
I’m in my little academic bubble too. I’m working on the basis that if we have Brexit there will then soon be an independent Scotland and by that time I’ll be in Edinburgh. Hopefully… Anything to avoid the continuation of the Etonian dictatorship over me (at least at the moment European oversight stops them explicitly dismantling the NHS and state schooling).
Cb
I’m going onto the job market next year and I cry at the prospect of leaving this lovely city.
Ugh, finances
1. Let your parents’ situation go. It’d be one thing if you were saying they were destitute and surviving on prematurely-taken social security or something, but you’re describing two people who are more than able to provide for their own retirement (perhaps not in the style to which they’re accustomed, but we’re not talking “they won’t be able to feed themselves” here). You’re not their piggy bank, or their retirement fund – people with nearly half a million invested in the markets and a 6-figure pre-retirement income in a LCOL area don’t get to spend profligately with the expectation that their child will bail them out.
2. You are going to end up supporting your significantly older husband. And he is going to end up supporting you. That’s how marriage and combining finances works. He’s always going to be more than a decade older than you, and will always be more than a decade “behind” you in retirement savings, and savings generally – if you’re not prepared to deal with what that potentially means for your financial life, don’t marry the guy.
FWIW, I’m kind of in your husband’s shoes in my marriage, except I’m the younger partner – so I’m six years “behind” my husband due to age, and another four years “behind” because I went to law school and that delayed the start of my career – it’s really, really destructive to a relationship when the “better off” partner constantly holds the financially weaker partner’s situation against them. My H’s resistance to moving to an “us” mindset, and constantly trying to sequester “his” money so none of it is used to pay “my” debt or fund “my” retirement, has been incredibly destructive, and I expect will cause our eventual divorce, although we’re not quite ready to throw in the towel just yet. I wish he’d been more up front and just not married me, instead of pretending he was okay with an “us” approach to finances and then holding every penny against me for five years. If there is any chance at all you are going to hold your husband’s financial position against him, if you can’t embrace an “us” approach to finances with a truly open heart, don’t marry him.
Abigail
+million. Before we got married my husband and I had a lot of conversations about what each of us was bringing to the table financially. I brought $10k in savings, $60k in students loans and $60k in annual income. He brought $400k+ in savings, $0 debt and $80k in annual income. I also brought a lot of emotional baggage about finances and we talked about how that would impact our relationship. I felt a lot of guilt about “setting him back” financially, but my income has tripled since we got married (which was not necessarily foreseeable while we were engaged).
The key to our financial happiness is that when we got married all of our debt, savings and income became “ours.” Now we approach our finances as a team, for better and for worse. When I was the one with debt and less income, he supported me. When my income tripled and we were able to pay off the debt, we celebrated that together.
Senior Attorney
I agree.
Your parents should support themselves and you should make that crystal clear if you haven’t already.
You and your husband (and future children) will be an economic team and if you’re not prepared for that (emotionally and every other way), you shouldn’t marry him. At the very very very least, you and he need to have multiple conversations about how you will handle your finances and what your plans are for children and retirement.
LF
I don’t know what to tell you about your parents because thinking about my parents stresses me out.
However, I think you need to have a real discussion with your fiance about your financial goals and plans – short term, medium term and long term – and talk to him about your worries. If he refuses to talk to you or gets defensive or says “oh it will work itself out”, seriously consider putting the wedding on hold.
As you have probably heard a million times, marriages are most likely to break up over money, so you should have this conversation BEFORE you get married – especially given your age disparity and given your fears and worries (some of which may be realistic and justified, others which may be overreacting). Others may have book recommendations that may help to guide the conversation.
Anon
Do your parents want to take their money out of the market now? It’s been a really volatile year and by selling right now, they may be locking in losses. Any way to talk them out of it — at least waiting it out thru the summer/year end?
As for your fiancé — sorry — but I do think you are the one who will end up doing a lot of the saving and being responsible for a lot of the retirement money in that relationship. A $2 million house is fantastic — problem is it’s illiquid and unless you sell it, you’re not getting the cash out — so unless you’re moving, you’re likely not seeing that money until retirement (if he even wants to move– lots of NYC people do NOT want to retire in LCOL areas). Is he on the same page as you? Would he work with you to come up with a savings plan, where he’s at least putting a few hundred away per pay check in liquid savings and another few hundred in a 401k? Even though his salary is low, you say expenses are low too — so some savings should be doable. While 38 seems old, if he gets on track now — the picture could be much more comfortable by 48.
As for you — keep maxing out the 401k, grabbing that sizeable match, and saving the additional 25%.
Wildkitten
You should talk to a financial planner, especially in the course of your pre-martial counseling/marriage planning process.
Wildkitten
Not because you’re in a bad situation, but so you can discuss with an impartial third party exactly what situation you are in, and at least be confident of where you are and where you want to be.
baseballfan
As far as your fiance is concerned, it’s never too late to start saving and at 38, he has a lot of income earning years ahead of him. Yes, it would be ideal if he had started on this 15 years ago, but now is better than never and with a healthy balance sheet and living frugally, sounds like to me he could amass a good amount relatively quickly. And yes, having that kind of home equity would be very comforting to me. It’s not liquid savings, but a home worth $2MM with only $100K on the mortgage?
The parents would be more of a worry. They need a good financial advisor ASAP. And yes, at their age they should have less money in the markets – although not because of Trump.
Amy
Add me to the pile of your parents’ problem is not your problem. My parents are later-in-life divorced and started in very equal places in terms of savings and income/income potential; one is working a good job with a good nest egg built over time by saving and living in a small place in a moderately HCOL area and has no real plans to “retire” per se anyway, just do consulting and a more and more infrequent rate.
Other parent has saved minimally, been vacationing a ton, working part time jobs vs full time for lifestyle reasons, and is mentally planning to retire at 65 (or whatever the age is), doesn’t want to downsize or leave the HCOL region.
Parents are both 58. Neither will end up on the street. Just not my problem.
Vintage Lawyer
You need to consult an attorney who’s licensed in New York about this, but keep in mind that his house may remain his separate property once you’re married.
Anon
Agree with the others on your parents. They’re making decent money and aren’t making the same choices as you may make in their shoes. Don’t borrow their issues as your own.
As for fiancé, I may be totally wrong about this, but it seems like someone has posted a few times about concerns about their fiancés house that they own that they describe the way you’re describing the house here (recent large appraisal over 2mil). If this is you (and it may not be at all!), there seems to be several issues about the house that are bothering you that you may want to explore further on your own, then talk about with him.
Separately from the house, you definitely want to have the money talk before marriage and be on the same page. You very well may be the breadwinner. It sounds like he’s doing just fine but took a different path.
Remember, marriage and finances are a journey and you just want to make sure you have the same goals. It’s hard but try to think globally about the finances and the marriage – how will it be overall and whether you’re on the same track (even if that means you’ll be earning/saving more) – as opposed to the fact that at this very moment, he’s been employed 10 months and is starting to rebuild his savings. Hope that makes sense.
mascot
1) Your parents are adults. I’d let them worry about this for right now.
2) You are being harsh on your finance. He’s got a job, he’s got no debt (despite past unemployment) and he’s got a pretty solid investment property. Yes, you are sitting pretty for a 26 yr old, but sounds like he is doing just fine. Have you talked to him about finances, how to allocate assets to liquid/less liquid investments, your combined future goals, what ages you both would like to retire, how to have money for future children, etc? I think that is the best thing you can do.
Anonymous
I want to leave my job (attorney at a firm – nowhere near Big Law money) and do contract work, mainly because we can easily get by on just my husband’s salary and I want the flexibility and time to pursue hobbies and hopefully do freelance work in another field. Pretty much unrelatedly, I also want to have a baby soonish (we plan to try within a year). Part of me thinks I should stay at my current job until I have a kid or least until I’m pregnant. We could save money faster and be in an even better financial position before I leave, and I think I can tough it out for another year or two. It would also be a more natural exit that might bruise some big egos less and make it easier for me to return someday if I decide I want that. On the other hand, if I leave after getting pregnant or around the time I have a baby, I know people at work will see me as “another Mommy opting out” and I would hate if I hurt other women at my already-not-very-woman-friendly firm, especially because I feel a pretty strong desire to leave and do contract work even in the absence of a kid. We have no paid maternity leave at my current job so there’s no financial benefit to staying specifically until a baby is born, but in general I earn more there than I would doing contract work (plus I have benefits) so the longer I stay, the better it is for our finances. Thoughts?
anon
I would stay until a little while after having a kid — you never know whether or how your career priorities will change at that point, and it’s a good idea to keep as many options open as possible.
Diana Barry
I wouldn’t leave before you leave in this case. Stick it out and see if you can carve out time to do your hobbies on the weekends etc., while you are TTC. You never know, it might take longer than you think to get pregnant.
anon
Lean In. You do not know what the future holds. You could be pregnant tomorrow or 3 years from now. It sounds like your main reason for leaving now is that if you leave after having a kid you will be a mommy opting out. If you leave now, you will be classic tale of a woman “leaning out,” which frankly sounds even worse to me. Sounds like you care what other people think, so FWIW from this Internet stranger, I think you should stay. Sock away as much $$$$$ as you can before kids.
OP
But this isn’t a kid related decision. I know TTC can take a long time, and if for some reason I were told tomorrow that I am infertile and couldn’t adopt (implausible though that is), I would still want to quit my job within a year or so. The timetables for “quitting to pursue freelance career” and “having a baby” just happen to be pretty aligned, but it’s not a cause and effect thing.
And it’s not really that I care what others think, but more than I’m worried about hurting women behind me if my departure is close in time to pregnancy/birth? But maybe I shouldn’t care and should just do what’s best for me?
CountC
I don’t know if doing what’s best for you means you don’t care. You clearly care, but you should still do what’s best for you.
pil
I didn’t interpret your original post the way anon at 11:05 did. I understand what you are saying here too. I’ve recently made decisions based on similar concerns. If you’re not truly unhappy, I would recommend keeping the status quo as you TTC, but only if building up that financial comfort/network outweighs your lack of satisfaction. I understand your concern about stepping out after a maternity leave (unpaid or otherwise), but you can’t take the weight of this battle on your own. You need to do what’s right for you, and if it’s not law firm life (especially law firm life once you have a kid) then you need to find something that works.
Maddie Ross
If you want to quit your job within the year, start making arrangements to do that now and don’t think about the TTC/hurting women on the global scale issues. If you want to leave because you don’t like your job, do that. It frankly will hurt women on the whole significantly less if you leave because you aren’t happy and have other options than if you stick around and phone it in until you give birth. I’m normally formally in the “don’t leave before you leave” boat, but really this question shouldn’t even include the second section if that’s what you want to do.
H
Personally, I would wait until 1) I had met my savings goal and 2) I had another opportunity (although I have no idea what freelancing entails; maybe you need to quit in order to have time to find something?)
As for other women, this is your life and totally a personal decision, just as it is for them. I would not stay based on that; you have to do what is best for you and your family.
Today's Confession
Someone new starts on my team at my company next week and I have to admit, for the first time in my career, I feel the need to compete with rather than help this person. I’ve always been a team player but this feels like a threat and I don’t know that I can play nice.
Nati
I’ve learned that people succeed together. I used to work at a very cutthroat consulting firm and you’d be surprised the extent to which that was true even there. I believe you will get much further by helping this person than by competing. Having said this, I totally understand the initial feeling you’re having.
Idea
Yeah, I know the feeling. I don’t want to be the b!+chy one, though. Just, be as nice as possible under the circumstances? take a wait and see approach?
Shopaholic
How do you get yourself to stay motivated during a workout? I’ve been trying and failing for about a year to lose 20 pounds. My diet is ok, not perfect but generally pretty healthy with a few exceptions.
But I can’t quite get the gym thing going. I end up going once or twice a week and then give up for weeks. And sometimes when I do go after a few weeks of not going, I last 10-15 minutes and then give up.
I really want to get into a routine and I’m so unhappy with the state of my body/health/level of fitness but I don’t know how.
Thanks all!
Killer Kitten Heels
What about signing up for a recurring class instead of a gym membership? So, for example, sign up for a beginner’s series at a yoga studio or a Crossfit gym or whatever floats your boat – that way, you have a standing obligation on your calendar (instead of a vague “I should go to the gym today”), and you’ll lose money if you don’t go. Also, with a class, you basically can’t leave after 10-15 minutes (I mean, you could, but at least for me, I have to be pretty injured or sick to just up and walk out of a setting like that). Basically, make bailing on your workout expensive and inconvenient.
Anonymous
You need to try lots of different kinds of workouts! I read a blog or maybe even a comment here that said so many people think they don’t like to workout, but all they ever try is running and lifting weights. I found that very inspirational, so I tried a lot of different classes and discovered that I LOVE spin classes (the new kind, like Soul Cycle). Now I easily go three times a week, especially because they charge if I miss. :)
anon-oh-no
this is the only thing that works for me. going to barre classes (or shred, or soul cycle, whatever or all of what floats your boat), that you have to pay by the class and can’t get your $$ back if you skip. This is what gets me there. So I buy big packages at a number of places (big so I can get the best discount, knowing I usually have a full year to use the classes). This way, I don’t get board of the same thing over and over, and I have to go to the class or I am out 15, 20, 25 bucks.
Anonymous
When I am starting to build up to working out from scratch, I like to do the Jillian Michaels 30-day shred. It is a short workout built of very short bursts of different exercises. It is easy to say, I’ll just stick out this one … and then the next … and then the next … and then suddenly you are done. You will see results quickly, too, which is motivating. Once you finish the 30-day program you will be much fitter and find other exercise easier.
If you are having trouble finishing workouts, I’d try classes. It is much harder to leave a class in the middle than to turn off the treadmill.
Runner 5
*during* a workout – I love the Zombies, Run app for this – I can’t stop, because I’m being chased by zombies!
A routine – I use the Rewire app on my phone, and I don’t want to break the green streak!
(Six months ago, I was you, but I managed to get myself into a routine this year and it’s been going well – and now I can tell the difference in my health I don’t want to stop)
Runner 5
Oh, or the fitness videos from Popsugar, because they have a countdown timer superimposed!
Mrs. Jones
Try something different, like a new machine or new class, or even a new gym/yoga studio. Ask a friend to join you.
JJ
Find something that you enjoy. I went through that same routine when I was convinced that I needed to become a runner. Turns out, I hate running. I started lifting weights and now I can’t wait to get to the gym in the mornings. Try out a ton of different workouts until you find one that clicks.
Zelda
I completely agree with this. Last year my “something” was taking a variety of classes with Classpass. Through that, I discovered that I love rowing, spinning and kettlebells. Now I work out almost exclusively with kettlebells, supplementing with various interval workouts that I find online. I also more successful when I work out directly after work instead of trying to exercise in the morning. It’s all about finding what works for you.
Betty
Same type of thought: maybe you haven’t found what works for you yet. For a long time, I thought that I needed to be in the gym to “work out.” But I spend all of my day inside, and I simply cannot find the motivation to work out if it means staying inside. I loathe the treadmill but love running inside. There are also fitness classes (bootcamp, walking groups, etc.) that meet outside. Maybe that would help?
Cb
I’ve been sporadic with yoga for years and told myself last year that I’d go weekly for 12 weeks and at that point I could quit (if I hated it). I am now a 2x/weekly hot vinyasa goer. I think the permission to quit really helped.
Now I’m trying to do Couchto5k (after watching the London marathon while eating bourbon biscuits) and trying to use the same strategy.
Runner 5
Couch to 5k is great! Which app are you using? The NHS one allows you to play your own music which is pretty good. (When I did it the first time I used the NHS podcasts which have the music already in and the music was surprisingly okay)
cbackson
BOURBON BISCUITS, YOU SAY?
Senior Attorney
RIGHT??
We need more information…
Runner 5
Are you guys thinking of US-style ‘biscuits’ with bourbon in? Because that’s not a bourbon biscuit.
cbackson
*sadface*
That is what I was thinking. Sigh.
Runner 5
THIS is a bourbon biscuit – and there has been a national shortage this spring due to the floods over New Year)
https://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2015/7/14/1436890811832/Exactly-the-same—bourbo-009.jpg
Senior Attorney
Link isn’t working for me but I googled it. Must confess to some disappointment about the apparent lack of actual bourbon, although what’s not to love about a chocolate cookie with sugar on top?
Senior Attorney
I would eat them while drinking bourbon…
Anonymous
Dang, I am a cookie lover and this is still so disappointing. I want a thick, bready Southern biscuit with maple-bourbon syrup.
worked for me
Can you manufacture some accountability for yourself? When I did weightwatchers the weekly weigh ins were key to keeping me honest. A friend of mine used the GymPact app (which rewards you for going to the gym and fines you for not going) and her fitness level shot up.
Anonymous
I’m not sure what to say on the gym thing- I’m one of those people that once I get there and get started, I always get in a decent workout.
Maybe check out Kayla Itsines? Her workouts are only 30 min in total, and you’re moving constantly, so you don’t really get bored. If you google Kayla Itsines PDF or whatever, you can find the Bikini Body guide 1 for “free” online.
Anonymous
+1
Kayla’s workouts are amazing – but hard! I follow her on IG and the before/after photos are great motivation!
mascot
+1 to finding a structured routine to follow. Could be training for a 5K, could be a weightlifting routine (I’m liking Strong Curves these days), whatever, That way you have a specific plan for x number of weeks. By the end, you’ve created a habit. I find it much easier to say that ok, today I have to perform workout 2B or whatever, than wandering into the gym and getting distracted/bored.
Anonymous
Group exercise classes are where it’s at. Find something you enjoy and look forward to. It’s tempting to leave when you’re solo at the boring elliptical but not in a group Pilates class. Also, maybe try biking? Once you do half your workout, you’re forced to do the last half to get back home. :)
Anonymous
I had a similar problem last year. Then I left my gym (actually because we moved) and joined a studio (barre classes). You sign up for classes online so it’s an appointment which really helps me stick with it. And once I show up, I don’t have to think about what exercises to do because it’s just following the instructor.
Anonymous
I should have read the comments first – I just posted something very similar below. Taking all these answers into consideration!
Anonymous
I was (am) like you – I need some sort of motivation to work out and keep it up. I’ve found 2 things work: classes that I like, and a personal trainer. As far as classes, I’ve tried almost all types, and I finally settled on kickboxing and barre. It took some trial and error, and I had to visit a few different gyms, but it was worth it once I found a place where I felt comfortable (and I actually looked forward to the classes). As far as a personal trainer, it’s hard not to stay motivated when someone is hovering over you telling you what to do – and it’s a lot harder to for forgo your workout when you’re going to pay for it.
If classes and/or a trainer are cost prohibitive, find something that motivates you while you’re at the gym on your own – for me (before I could afford classes and a trainer), it was watching a new show on Netflix while I was on the elliptical. I was only allowed to watch while on the elliptical, and once I got hooked, it gave me the motivation I needed to get on the machine (just because I wanted to watch the next episode). You could do something similar with reading a book or magazine, depending on what drives you.
anon
For me, it’s a non-negotiable part of my day. Like going to work or brushing my teeth.
Pack your stuff the night before, lay out your gym clothes, and just go. Tell yourself you only have to do 5 minutes. Then stay longer.
Honestly, there is no trick to this. You just have to decide you will do it, and do it.
Anon
I read a great article a couple of years ago that said you have to find your motivation, whatever that is. Examples included:
– Pre-pay for a class. for some people, if they pre-pay, they won’t miss it (this doesn’t work for me – I tried)
– Pay for a trainer. For some, the fact that they paid someone and have someone depending on them and holding them accountable is motivating. (for me, this doesn’t work b/c I can’t afford a trainer)
– Sign up for a race. This works for me. Having an actual goal and a day I have to do it motivates me to actually work out.
– Have a workout buddy. Knowing you’re meeting someone at 6 am (or whenever) and you do not want to let that person down (similar to trainer idea but cheaper), works for a lot.
– Set up a challenge for yourself. Hit the gym 20 times in 30 days, or whatever. This is also motivating for me.
Most important: find something you don’t loathe and preferably something you like. Sign up to be on a rowing team, find a class you like, do swimming. Jen Lancaster did this great post on FB a long time ago about how much she used to hate working out, but then she started doing water aerobics with the older crew at her gym and really loved it. It motivated her to keep going.
JJ
I loved that Jen Lancaster post! Although, I also love everything she does…
Amateur trainer
Here’s what to do to lose 20 pounds:
-Get a trainer (or read a bunch of books) and start serious weight lifting 3x per week.
-Count your calories aggressively and limit your caloric intake to an amount that is appropriate for your size/energy expenditure.
Even if you run 6x a week or start going to regular cardio calories, unless you monitor your caloric intake, weight loss will be very difficult. That’s not to say that cardio is not beneficial — it’s great for a lot of things, such as mood regulation, sleep, stress management, and obviously, cardiovascular health. But, weight loss is not one of those things.
A lot of people do classes (bootcamp, Jillian michaels) because they’re efficient — they combine strength training with cardio, so it’s less overall time out of your week if you want to do both (and, they’re fun). But to make true gains in strength, nothing beats pure weightlifting/resistance training. Strength training is important for weight loss both because it increases your metabolism and because it prevents muscle loss during caloric restriction. (In fact, it’s even possible gain muscle through serious strength training, even while on caloric-restrictive diets).
LAnon
+1 to everyone suggesting to try group classes or other fun stuff. You might also try a sport like soccer or racquetball – I started playing racquetball and it helped motivate me for other workouts because I wanted to be more in shape to play better.
Also, be gentle with yourself on the workouts that you don’t get through. I have a mental rule that I at least have to *start* a workout – either go to the gym and get on a machine, or put on my running shoes and start jogging. However, once I’ve started, I am allowed to quit any time and won’t beat myself up about it. So there have definitely been days that I’ve jogged about a quarter mile and then been like “nope, not feeling it today” and gone home. And then I don’t beat myself up about it – getting frustrated with yourself is a good way to decide to just not go to the gym for weeks on end.
Idea
I would sign up for charity 5K runs on the weekend, and I saw it as my homework to run twice more during the week so that I didn’t totally feel like dying on the course. I would never wake up at 7 am on the weekend and go exercise — but I’ll pay $25 to a charity to make me do it.
dear diary
I am the person who has a recurring nightmare about visiting my high school and being told that I didn’t actually graduate because I didn’t complete enough PE and that I have to go run laps. I hate to run, hate to play sports (because I suck at them) and always thought that = hate to exercise. It took me a long to realize that’s not true and that I actually love to be active and work out. It started with a kickboxing class that I loved … and now I do yoga, pilates, hike, spin, TRX, bootcamp classes … all kinds of things. I’m not always consistent and sometimes I’m in better shape than other times, but I always really appreciate my body and what it can do in ways that I never used to.
For me, it started with something I loved and wanted to get better at doing (boxing). I worked out so I could be stronger and have more stamina, and be more competitive. Maybe you might like rock climbing, or kayaking, or golf, or horseback riding? And then lifting weights or doing the elliptical (side note … SO MANY more interesting things to do than the elliptical!) will be not just to “be fit” but so that you can climb a mountain!
Don’t give up … you’ve gotten so much good advice here. Keep trying things … you’ll find your thing!!
Shopaholic
Thank you all so much! I really appreciate all the advice. I think part of the problem for me is I find the treadmill so boring. I’m going to try to get back on track with the 30-day shred – I’ve used it before and really liked it. And I also found that my city has a barre3 studio which looks cool so I may try that.
thanks all – I’ve been beating myself up about this and you all gave me the motivation I need to get going!
ChiLaw
I haaaate exercising, but I go to the gym 3-4 times a week.
I’ve found, frustratingly, that it’s essential for keeping my mood stable, keeping depression at bay, etc. I run on the elliptical or ride a bike until I’m good and sweaty while watching Bravo. It hasn’t much changed my body in the 4 or so months I’ve been seriously committed, but the change to my mood is undeniable. Anyway, I motivate myself in two ways: (1) “All you have to do is go there and get changed. Then you get all the points for going!” Once I’m there and changed, I might as well hop on the machine, right? And once I’m on the machine, I might as well finish the trashy tv show I’m watching, right? And (2) thinking about how keeping myself mentally healthy isn’t just something I’m doing for myself, it’s something I’m doing for my kid and my husband. I dunno, like I said I hate exercising, but it’s worth it for how sane I feel afterward.
late, but hope you see this
agree with a lot of what’s been said before. two things that help me:
1. Trashy magazines. 1 People + 1 US weekly = longer elliptical time. Also works with absorbing books, since I love to read but rarely have time!
2. Reframing it as part of my identity rather than a chore on my to-do list helps me a lot. I.e., I don’t say to myself “I guess I should go to the gym now.” I say “I am the type of person who goes for a run every day” or “[Athletic activity] is one of my hobbies”
Anonymous
Suggestions for favourite hiking snacks??
life
Trail mix from Trader’s.
Or I make it myself with stuff from Costco.
Anonymous
Kind bars. The little packets of trail mix from Trader Joe’s. The little packets of monster trail mix from Target. Peanut butter crackers. Dried cranberries, cherries, or blueberries. Homemade granola bars. Homemade Chex Mix. Lots of water.
Serafina
Salami+cheese on bagels (or bagel thins)
MKB
Cheese & crackers; bacon jerky; dried mangoes; those little sesame stick things.
Anonymous
So I’m overweight and I’m starting to feel the effects of it and I know something needs to change. I’ve never really worked out or exercised before, other than walking, yoga and sometimes pilates. I’m very out of shape. I don’t know where to start. I definitely DON’T want to go to a gym and use machines in front of a bunch of other people – the thought is terrifying and humiliating. I would maybe be ok with some kind of class, or maybe a personal trainer. Has anyone ever been in my shoes? How did you start and keep motivated? What’s a good way to start introducing exercise into your life?
Runner 5
I posted above – I’m fairly overweight – about 180-190 lb probably at 5 ft 9 tall (I don’t own scales any more, I lost 20lb with them and calorie counting a couple of years ago but it was really unhealthy).
I focus on the things I can directly control – trying to get some more activity in my life, making healthy lunch and snack choices – and not the things I can’t – my weight. That is, the inputs, not the outputs.
I did couch to 5k a few times before it ‘stuck’ but I now identify as a runner (hence the username) and love it. I found it took ages before I got to the point where I enjoyed the exercise for its own sake, but now I do.
Yellowstone
+1 on the Cto5K comment – I have never in my life been a runner. And I’ve started, stopped and restarted the app a couple times now. And I definitely notice a difference in my ability to run for a sustained period (yeah cardiovascular health!), but that doesn’t necessarily coincide with a weight difference. I only run on the treadmill, because I know that’s the only way I’ll actually RUN for the allotted time – if I have to in order to keep from falling off the machine. I was totally awkward at first, since I wasn’t at all comfortable with my gait or running form, but it helped that I gave myself permission to do a workout more than for the time alotted (spending an extra week on the Week 2 workouts, for example) so I could feel more comfortable before moving on. That meant I was more likely to stick with it – maybe I wasn’t progressing at rate the program suggested, but I was doing SOMETHING and that was better than nothing.
TL;DR – start small, build habits. If you stop, don’t beat yourself up for it – start again and try to do better. When you restart, you aren’t starting from zero – you have experience you can build on.
OP
Thank you, especially for that last paragraph. I appreciate it.
JJ
I think a personal trainer at first would be the way to go. You don’t have to stay with him/her forever, just until you get the hang of a bunch of different exercises and learn how to use good form. You can also use them to get comfortable using the machines in the gym.
When I started working out routinely two years ago, I had a trainer on Wednesdays. I knew I needed to lift weights M/W/F and did cardio two other days each week. I had to tell my trainer every Wed. when I had skipped workouts, etc, so that kept me accountable. At the end of month, I would weigh in, measure any inches lost, and (most importantly and the best motivation for me), do a fitness test to see how many push-ups and squats I could do in a minute and how long I could hold plank pose. Having hard data was the best motivation for me.
OP
That’s a good point about the personal trainer – the cost is scary, but I think I could swing a few sessions just to get started.
Amateur trainer
If the cost is prohibitive, by a bunch of books about weightlifting and then watch a bunch of videos on you tube.
Anonymous
If you want a recommendation for a book to start with, try the New Rules of Lifting. There is a “for women” version that is good because the “for women” part is basically saying “women don’t need to think about weightlifting differently than men”
voiceofexperience
Truthfully, you’ll probably see results faster working your diet. I increased my running mileage by 15 miles/week but didn’t lose weight until I started tracking my diet. My sister, however, lost weight by exercise. She walked, hiked (maybe join a meetup group in your area) and bicycled. It was all low impact but she was very consistent about it. Unfortunately, she regained a large part of the weight when life got busy and she no longer had as much time to exercise.
anon
+1 I lost 30 lbs in 4 months by changing what I ate. I do not work out.
Amy
I wasn’t significantly overweight, but needed to lose a good 20lbs and had never really exercised formally.
I did a couch-to-5k program (on the street, not at the gym) and it was really do-able. I never actually ran a 5k, but I got to the point where i could run more than a mile without stopping or passing out. Then I signed up for a gym, which wasn’t that great of an idea since I just ran there. Taking a class or working with a trainer would have been a smarter use of those dollars. After a while I signed up for a 5 MILE run, with a friend.
Anonymous
Walk. Walk daily. Commit to a 5 min walk every day for a week and then ten the next week. You can do anything for tiny bits of time. Once you get up to half an hour of walking daily, reward yourself with a fitbit or other gadget. Then keep your steps up.
OP
I live in the downtown area of my city and I don’t have a car, so I walk quite a bit in my daily life luckily, including 10 minutes to/from work. My city does have great hiking as well, so maybe that’s something to try.
Thank you!
lsw
Long ago on this board someone mentioned Nerd Fitness, which I found to be a really accessible and fun way for me to hold myself more accountable to working out. I’m a competitive person so I loved being able to track quests and improve my workouts. (Competing with myself in this instance, not with others.) I don’t do paleo like they talk about there, but I have been more conscious of food after following the NF site.
Also the Zombies Run couch to 5k was SO FUN and I loved it.
Sydney Bristow
Yes, I highly recommend Nerd Fitness!
OP
Thank you all for the responses. I broke my knee several years ago so running probably isn’t a great idea unfortunately (and tbh I think I would find it really tedious). I like the idea of trying lots of different workouts and finding something that you like. I guess I need to think outside the typical “elliptical at the gym” kind of working out.
MKB
I have a chronic foot problem that makes running difficult – I use Zombies Run, but instead of running do the elliptical. It’s still really engaging but is easier on my feet.
Anonymous
Did you enjoy yoga and pilates when you did them? If so, maybe you could do a private lesson at a studio? I think those are a great way to get back into it when you don’t like the idea of doing it in front of people because it’s just you and the instructor alone in the room and you get one on one attention to make sure your form is correct and not going to result in any setback injuries. That gives me the confidence to then start up with group classes, because I’ve had that person tell me I’m doing it right. Plus instead of worrying about what everyone is looking at in the mirrors during class, I can distract myself by focusing on the positioning cues he or she gave me during the private lessons.
Your tastes may vary, but private trainer at a gym doesn’t interest me as much because in the gyms I’ve gone to, they still parade you around in the main part of the gym and people are always looking at you trying to get an idea of the exercises trainers recommend. It makes me feel like a display model when that’s the last thing I want. If you enjoy the gym though maybe you could find a smaller one that has a private space where it’s just you and the trainer.
If you do pilates/yoga for strength work, you could then start out with walking and when you feel comfortable and want to, try a couch to 5k program. I like running early morning when it’s still dark out (in an area where I feel safe doing that) in part because it feels more anonymous and there’s also a camaraderie where you feel a bond of support with the others out there shuffling in the dark. I also really enjoy hopping on a cruiser bike to ride around town on the weekends–mentally, it feels more like a social activity than exercise.
OP
Yes, I love yoga, I’ve been doing it on and off for 15 years. I fell out of the habit because I just spent three years working at an extremely demanding soul-sucking job where I didn’t have the time or energy to do anything but work and fall into bed every night. I gained a lot of weight during that time. I’m out of that situation now thank god, which is why I’m now considering starting some kind of exercise.
Thank you for your thoughts!
Anonymous
I am overweight, too. I used to work out fairly regularly, but then a major illness completely threw me off my game for 5ish months. I felt like I was starting from absolute 0. I ended up doing this workout plan for 30 days:
http://www.redbookmag.com/body/health-fitness/g3363/workout-plans-30-day-fitness-challenge/
It starts with only 45 seconds on the first day. I thought there was no way it would work, but by the end, I felt much, much stronger. Now I’m transitioning into daily 30-minute workout videos (think Jillian Michael’s 30-day shred), but I could never have started with those given where I was physically.
Good luck!
OP
I love that workout plan! I could definitely do 45 seconds. :) Thanks so much!
Anon
Wow..I like this too..thank you for posting this.
I can start with Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred, but the thought of muscle soreness that I get after first few days is scary and is holding me back from starting it at all.
Also, thank you for Shopoholic and OP for posting this. I am 20 pounds over weight which is quite a bit at 5’3 height and have no motivation to work out though I want to lose extra pounds so bad.
anonymous
This may not be what you’re looking for, and it would either require a gym or some piece of exercise equipment at home. A while ago I made a rule that I can only watch TV if I’m on a piece of exercise equipment. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing- it can be a slow walk even. The result is that I “waste” less time watching tv and I’m SUPER excited to work out so I can check out new episodes.
I know you said no gyms, but for whatever it’s worth, I’ve been an avid gym attender for like 10 years now. When I first started I was super uncomfortable and it felt like everyone was staring at me. I soon realized that people don’t really even notice I’m there and it was all in my head. I definitely don’t really notice people at the gym other than how full or empty it is, or which pieces of equipment are available for my use.
Amateur trainer
I posted above about weightlifting, but I’m going to reiterate some of my comments here. Weightlifting is awesome. Running is hard when one is overweight, and I get that it can be discouraging because (1) you’re likely going to be slow and (2) have a high risk of injury. Plus, it’s not really the best way to lose weight.
Weightlifting, on the other hand, will make you feel awesome. You’ll start thinking about how strong you are instead of how skinny you are. It doesn’t take a huge number of hours to become strong, either, but it does take a lot of focus and effort during those hours. Personal trainers are important, because they will teach you proper form so that you don’t get injured, and equally important, they will teach you how to become stronger. A lot of people — often women — I see at the gym don’t appear to be lifting weights in such a way that they are actually making any appreciable strength gains. (Lots of high-rep, very low weight dumbbell movements, for example). A personal trainer will help you know how far to push yourself so that you are actually becoming stronger.
Although it will be difficult at first, you’ll be amazed at how quickly you will get stronger if you do weightlifting right. And, it will be empowering and motivating.
OP
Thank you so much! I really am thinking more about my overall health rather than just losing weight and I know weightlifting has so many benefits.
Anon
I didn’t read all the replies. If you feel uncomfortable working out in gym, do home workout videos. Most of the home workouts just need a set of weights and a mat(if you are working out on a hard surface). When your confidence levels increase, you can start going to the gym.
SA
If you aren’t interested in the gym they do have personal trainers that come to you. My friends got one and it wasn’t prohibitively expensive.
anon8
Check out Fitness Blender on You Tube. Lots of workouts at different levels.
Blonde Lawyer
I know you said no gyms but I want to give a plug for planet fitness. They really cater to people that are not gym people. My local gym has very few “fit” people in it. They are mostly older folks too. Planet Fitness has a circuit that is kind of like the Curves concept. They have a stoplight that times 2 minute and 1 minute intervals. So, you step on a stair for 2 minutes and take a minute break getting to the next machine. Then you pull down weights for 2 minutes. Break. Then you step on the stairs again. Then you push weights with your legs. The whole circuit takes 30 minutes. You can do an easy 30 minutes or a hard one based on how hard you hit the steps (stroll versus run) and how heavy you make your weights. They have trainers there that will show you how to do the circuit too. At my gym, it is in a separate room and often empty so you don’t have a ton of eyes on you either. YMMV on this because at another gym, the circuits were in front of the treadmills so a lot less private. It’s cheap, like $10/month. I’d go and just check it out. Just walk on a treadmill the first few times until you get comfortable just being in the building.
Ally McBeal
I started working with a personal trainer two mornings a week. It’s mostly strength training. It’s been great for me. She’s at a very small gym, so I just go there and there are very few people and no gym bunnies. I try to also get in a third workout each week that’s more like power walking, but that doesn’t happen all the time. Even at two mornings a week, I’ve felt myself get a lot stronger and I feel much better. It’s really hard to carve out the time but the trainer option is not cheap, but I needed the accountability to make it happen. I’m very glad I did it.
FWIW, while I really like the exercise and I know it’s good for me, it doesn’t seem to have any effect on my weight. I’m working on various diet interventions for that. But I basically see the exercise as completely a different track from the weight loss.
Ally McBeal
One more thought: — you sound so much like me! I had knee surgery years ago and have had arthritis in my knees since I was a teenager, so running is not in the cards for me. I also walk a lot in my general life, which I’m sure is great but has no impact on my weight. Strength training, in a gym, with a trainer and heavy-ish weights, really has been fun for me and really has made me feel better.
Anon
Again, don’t beat yourself up for being short of breath or having burning muscles. That’s normal for people who are pushing themselves. I like to focus on the effort, knowing that putting in a good workout means that one day, it will get easier.
Weird car hangups
I’m shopping for a used SUV, and I’m having a weird first world problem. I’ve always had Hondas and Toyotas and now I’m considering a Lexus. I’m currently driving a fairly tired and beat up 14 year old high mileage CR-V. I was going to go for a Volvo XC60, but looking at consumer reports, I was really impressed by the amazing ratings for the Lexus RX. I found one in my price range, and I’m seriously considering getting it.
So here’s my problem– I feel really weird and ostentatious about the idea of owning a “luxury” vehicle after 15 years of owning basic “normal people” cars. But there are some creature comfort things I really want that the Lexus has. Nice heated seats, a backup camera, leather, etc. Tell me I’m being crazy. Other people get impostor syndrome about their jobs. I feel like I’m having impostor syndrome about buying a nice car.
Anonymous
You’re being crazy and I miss my Lexus RX soooo much (had to sell it for personal reasons). It’s a great car, kinda the perfect mix between SUV and sedan. I too had some weird hang-ups when I first got it (I was driving a used Toyota Camry prior to owning the Lexus), but learned to love it and be okay with the fact that it was a “fancy” car. We work hard for our $$, we should be able to enjoy some creature comforts, even if they’re a bit indulgent!
anon
It’s okay to like nice things. The End. I like nice cars. I’ve had a Volvo, a Lexus, and an Acura. I don’t apologize for it.
Given the competition in the luxury market, I think that the price differences have really dropped between like models. An Acura MDX and a Honda Pilot aren’t very far apart in price once you start adding options, but the Acura is considered the luxury car.
JJ
Agreed. I like nice cars. I can afford them. I own each car for a minimum of 8 years (well past being paid off). I don’t feel like I need to apologize for it. Sometimes, it’s nice to have nice things.
Yellowstone
Lexus IS a Toyota. Wouldn’t the top trim-line of the Toyota/Honda have most of the same features as the Lexus? If that’s the case, the difference is just the label on the hood of the car, and that’s a silly distinction to make. :)
Weird car hangups
Yes, and honestly, the reason I looked at the Lexus at all was that I was looking at Toyotas and thought “wow, these really hold their value for being five years old, I wonder how a Lexus compares” and they were basically the same price. So I can get a Lexus with the benefits of a “luxury vehicle” (quieter cabin, nicer ride, plus all the fancy things) for what I would pay for a Toyota. … okay, yeah I’m being crazy. I need to get over my weird hang-ups and get the Lexus.
Anonymous
Yes, it’s a Lexus, not a Corvette!
Anonymous
I found the same thing re: price when I was car shopping a couple of years ago. Idk if the luxury brands have dropped their prices due to the economy? There is a lot of price overlap with the lower-end luxury cars and the higher end non-luxury cars. I felt that a luxury car was a better value for my money. I empathize with your feelings though; when I first got my car, I definitely felt the urge to tell people, “But it was cheaper than the Toyota I liked!”
Senior Attorney
Yup. Just pull the trigger.
Bewitched
+1 to this. I drive a Ford and I don’t really consider a Lexus to be a luxury vehicle. Range Rover, yes, but used Lexus, I wouldn’t give it a second thought. PS: my bil and sil have one that’s 10 years old so their reliability seems to be good!
HSAL
Get a Lexus if you want, but note that “better” models of less expensive brands will have those things. Backup cameras are required now. Don’t worry about it.
Anonymous2
If you want and can afford a Lexus, get one.
Love my Lexus
I LOVE my Lexus RX 330. It’s a 2006 model with 150k miles on it and it drives better than some brand new cars. I’m looking at you Ford Escape….No major problems with it, just regular maintenance. We bought it in 2012 with no children and we now have 2 kids. We were looking at upgrading to a Toyota Highlander (for the 3rd row seat) and after looking at the prices decided that we would rather keep our Lexus. Toyotas are NOT cheap, nowadays! If you are looking at the secondhand market for your Lexus, you might find that you will pay about the same (and probably less).
Anonymous
It is all relative. In my world Honda and Toyota are fancy brands. Growing up Ford, Chevy, Saturn, Kia are “normal” people cars and the others are “rich” people cars. So, I get it, but say don’t worry about it so much – it’s all relative.
Senior Attorney
It is most definitely all relative.
I’m much older than you and among my friends a Lexis is a “normal people” car and Range Rover, Maserati, and the like are “luxury” cars. (I even have an acquaintance who drives a vintage Rolls Royce, which totally cracks me up and gives me gigantic imposter syndrome!)
Senior Attorney
Lexus, not Lexis. Damn.
Anonymous
SA, have you been reading ATL comments lately? ;)
Senior Attorney
No, but I can imagine…
Annie
A top of the line trim package Toyota Highlander would be very similar to the Lexus RX in price and amenities, etc. Get the Lexus. Don’t feel weird about it. Enjoy your new car!
EM
Our neighbor had one of these, and after a year sold it. You know what got to her? The headrest was immobile and she could never get comfortable.
I don’t know why I thought of this….
SC
If you can afford it and like it, get the Lexus. If it helps, in 2011, when I graduated from law school, my parents gave us their ’00 RX300, which they purchased in 1999. We JUST sold it a month ago because it was having too many problems to justify the expense and inconvenience. But it went 17 years and over 200K miles. Also, this one was too old to have backup cameras and all that, but it was really nice to drive and a perfect size.
SA
Did you see Lexus is coming out with an RX with a third row???
WestCoast Lawyer
I felt the same way when I bought a used Mercedes. It was a great deal and met my needs, but it took me months to stop feeling like I was way under-dressed every time I drove the car and like people were looking at me funny. One thing it helped me realize was that I actually have sort of a reverse snobism about luxury cars, or certain brands, that I think is partially driven by their marketing campaigns. A Volvo is probably comparably priced to the Lexus, but markets themselves on safety features, etc. Similarly, I don’t have negative associations with Audi, but Mercedes and BMW ads always seem like it’s some sort of personal achievement to own those cars, which really bothers me.
life
Totally understand.
My father feels the same way, yet got the lexus RX350 because my parents both had mobility issues and needed a higher car. We are also a toyota family and everyone has boring camry’s or prius. So we rationalized…. it is really a Toyota. Reliability is key for us.
The main downside is not great gas mileage. This is a big, big downside, especially if you drive a lot. So my father thinks about trading it in for a prius all the time. But it still works very well for them.
They got a 2008 used (certified from a toyota dealer – it was 2 years old at the time) for a good price with their Toyota trade in. Of course, that is the most cost effective way to do it. And it still looks like a brand, new car and runs well.
Pretty Primadonna
You’re being crazy. Get what you like. You have our permission. :-)
Midwest Mama
What nail polish colors are in these days? Any color is fine in my office, and I have dark brown hair and eyes with medium skin, FWIW. I’m getting sick of my usual red or pinks!
Wildkitten
Apparently the OPI New Orleans line is the current trend.
Wildkitten
http://opi.com/color/collections/new-orleans
Anonymous
What is with that green?
lsw
I don’t know if it’s particularly “in” but Deborah Lippman in Earth Angel is my very first “forever polish” to the extent where even if I’m getting professional manicures, I bring it in for them to use. I randomly bought it in an airport when a flight was delayed and it was love at first sight.
Terry
I love Essie’s Imported Bubbly. It’s a very subtle metallic – in some lighting my nails look nude and in others you can see the sheen.
Anonymous
That’s gorgeous, but I hate trying to remove metallic polishes!
SA
My new favorite is Birthday Suit Miracle Gel, it lasts a week looking good (I think it advertises 3 weeks)
http://www.target.com/p/sally-hansen-miracle-gel-duo-nail-color-1-fl-oz/-/A-23944820?ref=tgt_adv_XS000000&AFID=google_pla_df&CPNG=PLA_Health%2BBeauty%2BShopping&adgroup=SC_Health%2BBeauty&LID=700000001170770pgs&network=g&device=c&location=9053148&gclid=Cj0KEQjw9tW5BRDk29KDnqWu4fMBEiQAKj7sp39XcMJBuk_GyZiAt4Y7R1lAVkyDem3WkoZeATYqEa0aAgXF8P8HAQ&gclsrc=aw.ds
Anon
I like baby blue lately.
http://www.instyle.com/beauty/nails/7-celebrity-manicurists-share-their-favorite-shades-spring
Sydney Bristow paging AIMS
I saw your post about the Karl Lagerfeld line at Lord & Taylor. That is a licensed line that is designed and made separately from his solo line in Europe (which is much more expensive). They do the design work in NY and are the owner of the US license.
Messenger Bag Needed
Good afternoon! Any recommendations for a messenger bag for my husband for work (he’s an attorney). Price point 200 max. He will carry his 15 inch laptop, possibly his ipad, and then some documents/notepads (not thick redweld type files though). Thanks in advance!
ANON
tumi or coach