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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 176 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Pebble Patent Shopper

Coffee Break

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white patent leather toteNordstrom notes that white bags are trending right now — so here's a fun question: do you own white bags? How do you keep them clean? Do you wear your white bags for work, or save them for the weekend? The only white bag I've ever had and wore regularly was a Treesje satchel that was white patent leather. (I think it was the Asher Zip; Nordstrom Rack still has a few non-white bags on sale today.) The fact that it was patent leather was a huge deal, because it meant regular dirt/dust/wear stains bounced off the bag, and while it occasionally did get scuffs, you could wipe off the scuffs pretty easily. But Nordstrom doesn't have a single white patent leather bag in their roundup — so I'm linking to this lovely white patent shopper from Dooney & Bourke, available over at Zappos for $198. I particularly like the feet on the bag, as well as the fact that the handles are beige, so they'll show dirt/cracks less. The bag also comes in black, mint, and oyster, all with beige handles. Dooney & Bourke Pebble Patent Shopper On the more affordable side, this $25 bag at Amazon is similar and has 45 positive reviews. (L-all)

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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Comments

  1. Anon

    No I can’t do white bags. Light beige is as close as I get. And even light beige has been hard for me to keep looking nice.

    I thought I’d repost here in case it helps anyone. From this morning’s gratitude thread- I was having serious issues with rebound acid production after I went off a PPI (omeprazole) after a several year run.

    I bought the book Dropping Acid and it has helped me. I’m currently on the two week “cleanse” of only eating foods from the good list and I’m feeling better. I’m still having to take Zantac but I had a pretty bad case. I hope after 2 weeks I will be able to stop the Zantac as well.

    • Pound

      A common yet under diagnosed cause of acid reflux is sleep apnea. Even if you don’t snore audibly, signs such as severe reflux, daytime fatigue, morning headache and peeing a lot at night might indicate OSA. Maybe worth checking out if cleanse doesn’t solve the problem ….

  2. Anonymous

    I recently read an article about more and more women buying homes on their own, which I’m currently in the process of doing. I found the article a little annoying/trite, but I’m curious -how many of you bought homes by yourself first? Are you happy you did?

    • Yellowstone

      Do single men not also buy homes and require mortgages? I think this would more of “affording a home on a single income” trend than a “pink mortgage” (WTF with that language) trend.

      • Wildkitten

        I just read Rebecca Traister’s All the Single Ladies, and it was really interesting. I think (white, middle class) men have bought homes with just one income for a hundred years. The twin effects of women delaying marriage and women having good paying jobs have made women buying property with their income a relatively new phenomena.

    • Senior Attorney

      WTF on “pink mortgage?” Give me an effing break!!

      I’ve bought a house on my own twice. Super happy I did it both times, even though I’m moving out of the new one after I get married in September.

    • Anon

      I bought my own when I was 24 (LCOLA, obv). I really enjoyed it. I sold it a couple years later for reasons I just didn’t at the time have the life experience to foresee: namely, I thought I was going to stay at my first job forever and never want to move. But it was a good experience!

    • anon

      I bought my first one when I was 27 and sold it less than four years later for about 150% of what I sold it for. Then I put my proceeds into a new home when I relocated, and I sold that after eight years for a similar profit percentage when I moved again. Being able to basically get back every penny of what I spent on housing for those years has given me a great deal of freedom. I now live in a modest house my husband bought with his first wife, and we’re putting some of that money into making the house more mine, which is a lot cheaper than moving would be.

    • MargaretO

      I just bought a house by myself last year – I’m in my mid 20’s and live in a low cost of living area that may not stay that way for much longer. I’m very happy with my decision and didn’t even think about it as unusual to do as a single woman until I got some comments after the fact.

    • Anonymous

      I bought and renovated two houses on my own before I got married. I was definitely the expert when we renovated our current home – my husband knew nothing about home renovations (apart from what he’s seen on HGTV, which is obviously not realistic), and I did a lot of the design and negotiating with the contractor as a result. Girl power!

    • CountC

      I will have to read the article later tonight, but I bought my house by myself at 29. It was a complete renovation and while I did not do the renovations myself, I designed the floor plan, acted as GC, picked out fixtures, cabinets, etc. and now I do as much of my own home repair as is safe (no electrical for me) and practical.

    • Anon

      I bought my first (and current) house 2 years ago at 28 y/o once my job stability evened out, and never even considered my being a female as a data point until this post. My realtor/buying agent, also a female, did not comment on it either. I don’t understand how this is even a thing.

    • Ellen

      Yay, Kat! I love this bag, but I am not a big fan of WHITE, b/c I live in NYC and ride the subway, and it is DIRTY down there, even if I do NOT put my bag down. Also peeople rub up against me alot in the subway, and I find my outfit’s getting all dirty and smelley from that alone, so why over due it with the white? FOOEY!

      As for the OP, I did NOT buy a house; but Dad bought me an apartement, which is about the same thing, and I needed to get aproval thru the Board of Director’s. They did NOT particulearly care for me b/c they thought I would be bringing home men all the time, but I convinced them I was NOT that kind of girl and did NOT think of men as the way they did. Once I was abel to prove that I was NOT promusuicuous, the Board aproved me. Once I was in, I then allowed Sheketovits to visit, and it was ONLEY after he moved in did I have an issue with the Board. I also had issues with him, so I wound up throwing him out, and I am alot better for it now. YAY!!!!!

    • a single woman

      Yep, I bought my first house at 30 intending to marry my then-boyfriend and have babies there. He turned out to be a dud so I dumped him 5 months later. Decided to keep the house and fixed it up to my liking. Once I had it perfectly how I wanted it, I realized I didn’t want kids or a 3/2 in the suburbs with decent schools anymore.

      I bought a condo downtown and sold the house to a lovely couple who want to raise a family.

      Both times I’ve bought, I have felt a burst of pride and gratitude to women who have fought for our rights when filing out the title paperwork where I specify that the house will be held by MyName-A SINGLE WOMAN and check the “never married” box. Just decades ago, I don’t know that this would have been possible.

      I am so glad to have purchased my houses. I have learned a lot and really take pride in my home. If you can swing it, and it makes sense to buy in your area, go for it!

    • lucy stone

      I bought our home on my own and am still the only one on the deed and the mortgage. I was 25 at the time and my in-laws kept congratulations my then-boyfriend, now-husband on buying a house.

    • nutella

      Yes, I did! Bought my home at 26. Very pleased I did as I will be selling it soon (3 years later) for 30% more than what I paid. I definitely got a lot of questions when househunting about my “daddy” or “boyfriend” buying it for me, ugh. The home I ended up buying was that of a woman who had also bought it as a single woman and I think she liked that I was in similar shoes!

    • Erin

      Bought my first condo at 22 while I was making under $25k in a super cheap market. Got a roommate to pay the mortgage. Did some work and sold it after 4 years for $96K profit. Paid for a good chunk of grad school. Now do real estate related work. SO pleased.

  3. orange

    I received a gift card for a massage and facial at Massage Envy. I’m excited, but I’ve never had either a massage or facial before. Any tips for a newbie?

    • AIMS

      Don’t make plans for after the facial to do anything that requires you to put on make up or where you care what you look like. You may be more knowledgeable than I was but the first time I had a facial I foolishly thought I would emerge as this glowing creature and instead I was a blotchy mess. Not the time for that dinner date!

      • AIMS

        Oh, and maybe this is just me, but I fall asleep during massages. It’s lovely anyway, but be prepared for that to happen.

    • Jordan

      Don’t agree to sign up for anymore of their services after the massage. You are all relaxed and they try to get you to join. Don’t do it!

      • Marshmallow

        Why wouldn’t she, if can afford it and wants to? Just make informed decisions like you would anything else.

        • Anonymous

          I also don’t recommend signing up for their services. You basically commit to 6 or 12 months of auto-draft to get the advertised discounted massage price. (At full price, you could probably go to a sole proprietor or small coop and feel better about your masseuse’s salary.) And if you don’t use up the massages you’ve accumulated during your membership, you have 30 days to use them or lose them.

        • anon

          Meh, it’s a good warning. You’re all loopy, just had this good experience, and most chain places are *really* pushy. Most of these “intro packages” have complex little details and it’s a pain in the butt to sort it all out when you’re trying not to break out of your revere. I, personally, *hate* being pressured into buying things like that, especially when I am not on my game. Being prepared to say no in advance rather than listening to the spiel would be nice. Basically, I feel like it’s hard to make an informed decision like that. Go back on the website later, do the math, be realistic, and pick a package that makes sense.

          Oh, and also be prepared for your masseuse to recommend (on a little faux-Rx pad) that you get a massage every 2 weeks. LOL.

        • Jordan

          If she wants to then, yes! But the downsides are, they get you all relaxed and (I was woozy because it’s deep tissue) then present you with this contract that was not straightforward at all. The therapists are always changing. It was more of a warning I guess than a do not do it 100%.

          • Jordan

            I mean she asked for tips. Just make informed decisions like you would anything else isn’t really a tip yo. What is the deal today? Why attack a post instead of actually contributing something. I need a break from this site.

      • orange

        Thanks — I say no to everything like that as a reflex, so it would have to be a really amazing massage to get my that far off my game!

    • Anon

      I went the first time on a recommendation from my physical therapist. I did sign up after for the ‘membership’. Have gone every 3-5 weeks since (3 yrs) and have been able to stop taking pain meds for my injuries. So yeah, questionable marketing strategy maybe, but turned out to be a great deal for me and totes worth it.

  4. Anon

    My doctor just increased my antidepressant dose. I feel DRUNK. The wooziness has been building throughout the day to the point where I think I need to go home and lie down for the rest of the day.

    Uh, dear hive with more experience than me, is this going to go away as my body gets used to the higher dose? Because I need to function as a professional.

    Should I call my doctor? This seems like a wait and see kind of thing.

    • Anonymous

      When do you take your meds? I have never taken mine in the morning because of the woozy factor. You will get used to it, though.

      • OP

        At night. So last night was my first night on the higher dose.

        I’m not on an extended-release version, so the building wooziness today has caught me off guard.

        • Anonymous

          I remember when I first started taking meds, even though I took them at night, I spent probably a solid week sleeping it off. Maybe your doctor could recommend a way of increasing the dose gradually if you find it impacting your daily life.

    • Anonymous

      Call your doc if it’s worrying you. I dealt with something similar as I was building up my dose – but my I would have classified my experience as milder compared to what you described. Good luck!

  5. Gail the Goldfish

    Following up on my question yesterday about places to visit in California after a wedding I’m attending, after some googling last night, I am currently planning to spend a few days in Yosemite, but it looks like SO may not be able to get time off work, so I’d be by myself. Has anyone done Yosemite as a solo female traveler? Is this safe (safe-ish?)? I’m not planning on doing any of the more strenuous hikes, just the few-hour, major tourist area hikes, and I’ll be there in August, so I’m guessing it’s not like I’m likely to get lost and be far from other people who could help, but am I overestimating the crowds? I managed to get a room in one of the lodges for 2 nights, but the third night is in one of the tent camps (ie, no solid walls/securely locked door), if that makes a difference on the solo safety angle.

    • Wildkitten

      You can safely do it by yourself. It’s highly populated with a lot of infrastructure and you can basically stay at hotels. Maybe pack bear spray if you’re worried?

      • Gail the Goldfish

        It may say something about American culture that I was really more worried about sketchy men than bears…

        • anon in sv

          I think she means use the bear spray on sketchy men. Which is an excellent idea.

          Yosemite in the summer is very well attended/crowded. I would have zero concerns going to Yosemite by myself if I stayed on the main, popular trails and didn’t stay out late at night. As for the third night in what I mentally call the dioramas, I might just approach a family (there will be TONS of families) or a group of people at one of the nearby dioramas and make friends, and let the mom know you’re traveling alone. Odds are she will say she’s got your back.

        • Anonymous

          I have definitely seen more bears in Yosemite valley than sketchy men. There are many many families there, lots of park rangers around, and everyone can hear everything in the tent cabins so it would be a pretty terrible place to attack someone.

    • Catters

      My mom has often hiked and camped by herself in Yosemite (mostly Tuolomne Meadows) and has never had an issue.

  6. Senior Attorney

    I love white bags. I have a white satchel I got from Banana Republic three years ago that is only now starting to look a little scruffy after three summers of heavy use. I just got this one (Kate Spade Cedar Street small Hayden) and love, love, love it: http://api.shopstyle.com/action/apiVisitRetailer?utm_medium=widget&utm_source=Product+Link&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.katespade.com%2Fon%2Fdemandware.store%2FSites-Shop-Site%2Fen_US%2FProduct-Variation%3Fpid%3DPXRU5491%26dwvar_PXRU5491_color%3D125%26dwvar_PXRU5491_size%3DUNS&pid=uid3924-8159882-44&pdata=130a5064898ecc9bed8425ecb69ea180&site=www.shopstyle.com

    Yay for white bags, says I!

    • Betty

      Me too!! I actually just purchased a Kate Spade that is color blocked (is that the correct usage?) with black on the bottom quarter, white on the top 3/4 with black handles. It is beautiful, and I am constantly receiving compliments!

  7. party favors?

    Party planning is so not my deal. I was just asked (told) by the planner of a bridal shower to do the favors. Favors, according to the planner (my mom, ha, of course) must be one per person (ie she killed my idea of buying nice plants as centerpieces and giving those away). Shower is in a week so I really don’t have time to mail order anything super complicated.

    I hate party favors (and frankly, I’m not the worlds biggest fan of bridal showers TBH). I would want a mini bottle of wine/champagne with something written on it (idea was veto’d, and also, I don’t think I have time), or I would want nothing. Or I would want a larger prize. Not some trinket.

    So ladies–what bridal shower favor have you done or received that hasn’t gone straight to the trash and wasn’t super pricey? I need about 25-30 and am thinking like $5/favor max.

    HELP and thank you!

    • Anon

      I also hate favors, so that’s why I choose something edible. In this case, fancy decorated sugar cookies (you’ve seen those bridal ones on Pinterest, right?) or cupcakes. Wrap them in cute packaging and you’re done. Call around to bakeries and see what they offer.

      • Party favors?

        That was my exact idea. I was told they have to be “wedding theme” so my plan absent other ideas was a big decorated wedding cookie.

      • Maddie Ross

        This. Cookies. Cupcake. Cake pop. Petit four in a little individual box. Bag of Jordan almonds (I know, so vintage, but so yummy.)

      • Anonymous

        Boxes of chocolates? You can bulk order those little 4-chocolate boxes from Godiva. Looks a bit fancier than handing out cupcakes, if that was your mom’s concern. Personally I’d rather have the cupcake.

        • Pep

          I did little boxes of Godiva chocolates as favors for my pre-Pinterest era wedding. They were pretty reasonable, and they put ribbons on that coordinated with my colors. But I realize that mid-90s is probably very retro to most of you ladies, LOL.

      • Anonymous

        Am I the only one who hates sugar cookies? Especially when they’re decorated in hard icing? If I got one as a favour, I would toss it.

        • Lyssa

          I’ve had really good sugar cookies (and I love homemade ones), but I agree that most, particularly with the icing, are bad. We went to a wedding recently that had big decorated cookies referencing experiences that the bride and groom had shared as favors/table assignments, and it was very cute, but the cookies were not yummy.

          But hey, most favors get tossed anyway, so I guess they’re no worse than a lot of other things.

          • Anonymous

            You are not the only one who hates those sugar cookies, esp. with icing. Unless my aunt MaryEllen made them, they go straight into compost.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Your mom is vetoing your ideas so I’d tell her to pick what she thinks is best and you’ll pay for it.

      I hate stuff like favors so I second the suggestion for something edible.

      • Party favors?

        Tried that, didn’t get anywhere. Glad I’m not crazy for thinking edible.

        • Sydney Bristow

          Ok second suggestion. Don’t tell her what you pick this time. Just say you’re taking care of it and let her be annoyed by it after the fact.

          • ArenKay

            This, though I think Sydney’s earlier suggestion was really the best. If she’s going to ask you to do something then micromanage, she needs to do it herself. Or not have favors, because favors really are wasteful.

    • Peach Pye

      Favor from a recently attended wedding: a small succulent plant in a tiny pot. But it fit the theme of the outdoor wedding.

    • Senior Attorney

      Not a shower, but I went to a party once and they gave away bottles of nail polish in fun colors, which everybody really liked. I feel like you can always use a bottle of nail polish in a fun color. At the same party they gave reusable grocery bags (which are a thing here) with a fun pattern, which everybody also really liked.

      • Shopaholic

        We did the nail polish as part of a bachlor3tte party favour and it was a big hit.

        (and no, it’s not normal or required. The other bridesmaids wanted to do it and I was tired of fighting so I just gave in)

        • AIMS

          I was going to suggest nail polish. Tie a small ribbon around each one, with a little “thank you” tag for extra extra credit.

          Edible works, too.

    • I'm Just Me ....

      A seed packet wrapped in tulle.

      A small herb plant in a cute pot.

      A bottle of nail polish (probably more than $5 — unless you can get a deal at Ultra and use points and coupons).

      A scented candle.

      A small box of candy.

      I like the bottle of wine idea.

    • Anon

      Favors are ridiculous. You can tie up 3 or 4 Hershey’s kisse in a little piece of tulle in a bell shape (the tips of all the Hershey kisses coming together at the top) tie the top with a pretty ribbon and if you’re feeling ambitious write something cute on the ribbon with a fabric marker.

      This is the only shower gift I didn’t throw away. I ate it on the drive home from a particularly light-on-food shower.

      • Anon

        If there’s a crafty/diy theme to the wedding or shower you can also just put some candy in little mason jars – jam sized- and pretty fabric over the lid, tie with elastic or ribbon.

    • lucy stone

      Cookies or candy, nail polish in the wedding colors, I did fancy soap wrapped up in tulle for mine…something disposable. FWIW I just went to a shower where the favors were the plant centerpieces and it was quite nice. I did not win but another lady gave me hers.

    • Susan

      I did mini-bouquets for a friend’s shower recently and the guests seemed to really appreciate them. I went to the flower district and bought some wholesale flowers, so super cheap, trimmed them, cut squares of craft paper (also cheap) and tied them with raffia. Super easy.

      Here’s the blog post where I got the idea:

      http://www.homeyohmy.com/diy-mini-flower-bouquets/

  8. Anonymous

    I need to vent and wallow for a second: I’ve been struggling with my self confidence lately. I gained some weight a few years ago (10-15ish pounds) and have been working SO HARD to drop it, but nothing’s worked. I decided to focus on gym milestones instead of the scale and things got a little better. Last night at my yoga class, I held my planks longer than I’ve ever been able to before and I FINALLY held crow pose without a struggle. It felt so good. I was feeling strong and awesome and RAWR.

    And then today our office cleaning woman asked me when I was due. I’m not even close to being pregnant. So now, instead of feeling that endorphin high I’m back to square one, crying at my desk with my office door closed. #whompwhomp

    • Nati

      I’m sorry that happened to you. I know how a comment like that can really rock your confidence.

      Last week, I was walking along on a beautiful sunny day, minding my own business, when a man made a very rude comment about my appearance. I’m almost ashamed to admit the power his words had. I’m still feeling the effects over a week later as I get ready in the morning and pick out what I’m going to wear.

      I think your approach of focusing on the gym milestones is a great one! Keep it up and know that you’re not the only one to receive comments like that.

      • anon

        A random, morning-drunk guy on the street FIFTEEN YEARS AGO told me, “You need to lose some weight!” and it STILL bothers me.

        • Sydney Bristow

          I was asked by a stranger when my baby was due when I was in high school 16 years ago. I was totally stick thin at the time. Some people are just idiots. That being said, it still bugs me too all these years later.

    • Senior Attorney

      She’s the one who should be crying at her workstation for being such a dork.

      You are every bit as strong and awesome and RAWR as you were last night!

      RAWR ON!!

    • Anon

      CONGRATS!! The first time you hold crow is such a big thing (or at least it was for me) it was my “WEEE!” moment.

      Focus on what your body can do, not what other people think (Especially people who have not learned to never ask that)

      Find a new challenge pose, and get to work you awesome yogi! Half moon with a bind, flying pigeon, side crow. Get at it!

    • Idea

      Ugh.
      A story that got to me was that when my ob-gyne was pregnant, obviously a woman who knows about pregnancy & body, her grocery store cashier would often say, oh, but you look so small, are you sure your baby is going to be big enough?
      And it would give my doctor the anxieties about her pregnancy. Even though she knew better.

      So, this is to say, it happens to everyone, because no one should be commenting on someone’s body, except about what it can DO – like awesome gym milestones. So good for you!! and it’s natural to feel down about it. And do something that makes you feel strong and great and focus on that, and on you, not on someone else’s words.

    • Becca

      Ugh, that’s the worst! No matter what I do, I’ve always had an awkward muffin top thing going on and have had people ask me on multiple occasions when my baby is due. It really is the worst feeling.
      Just remember, she’s in the wrong! Don’t let anyone get you down about the awesome progress you’re making!!

    • Jax

      I lost 35 pounds last year, then recently did 8 weeks of intense exercising that reshaped my body down another dress size. I’m the smallest I’ve been since my wedding!

      At our company biometric screening I got a D in weight management. They handed us corny report card reports with health areas as subjects, and gave me a D. I felt defeated and like, “What’s the effing point?” I’m never going to hit my “healthy” BMI range. But I really don’t feel that a size 14 deserves a D rating.

      • Anonymous

        Just chiming in to say that giving employees a report card on their health is incredibly offensive. I would make a huge stink with HR if this happened at my company. My employer is not my doctor. They can facilitate biometric screenings that will give me my numbers, but they have no business evaluating those numbers. Honestly I’m surprised this is permitted under whatever ethical rules govern the medical field.

        • Jax

          My company (including employees) love this crap. I’m sure there are others here who find it insulting and offensive, but a loud majority cheer it on and promote it.

      • Nati

        I used to work for a consulting firm that did the same sort of thing and then assessed how much money we’d get in our healthcare spending accounts on the basis of those evaluations. Said spending accounts were a type of “bonus” on top of the standard benefits, but it still struck me as completely inappropriate.

        • Lucy

          These type of incentive based employer health programs are currently being challenged in courts. I’m not an employment lawyer, but I know that my law firm backed off of either penalty or incentive based health insurance programs based on body metrics after realizing they were unlikely to withstand judicial scrutiny.

      • Anonymous

        It’s so awesome you’ve worked so hard and got in great shape! Your company can go f^ck itself.

    • Anonymous2

      I would get down and hold a plank for a second longer than I did last night.

    • Lilly

      She is an idiot. It’s hard sometimes, but try not to give credit to the idiots’ random comments. Your accomplishments are awesome, and you are awesome for the work and dedication it takes to achieve them. My story: a lawyer walks up to me in court and pertinent to nothing, says “looks like you need to start pushing away from the table”. I told him that I probably could lose weight if I tried, but that he would never have hair again. Yep, I met rudeness with rudeness and my mother would not approve, but frankly, I enjoyed his reaction which was to shut up and walk away.

      • Samantha

        More power to you for this comment! I could never have thought of it on the fly!

      • KA

        LOL, that’s awesome and literally probably likely to make sure he never does that to another woman again.

      • Wildkitten

        Someone I have the potential to see annually (at a conference) asked me if I was pregnant. Much later I realized I should have retorted, “Nope! I’ll be exactly this fat when I see you next year!”

    • Pep

      I’m so sorry. I’ve had this happen to me more times than I’d care to admit and it HURTS every single time. You’re amazing though – I’m so out of shape I can’t even contemplate planks or yoga poses. I admire you!

    • Anonymous

      I didn’t know what a crow pose was. Just looked it up and damn lady! That’s impressive. Well done.

  9. Ponytails

    I have to say, I’m pretty glad that most commenters came out against the ponytail thread earlier. I’ve found that this site sometimes makes me worry about things I never would have thought of (are crutches professional, are Band-Aids professional, etc.) and it’s reassuring that most readers these days seem to be shifting away from hyper-focus on appearance and more into the “if it’s neat and tidy, it’s fine” camp. This HAS to be better for women in the workplace.

    • Lucy

      For me it’s encouraging to know that ‘rette commenters represent women in lots of different industries, including traditionally male-dominated ones and represent various levels of leadership and seniority. And if there’s a general sense of “if it’s neat and tidy, it’s fine” among ‘rette readers, I’m encouraged that this opinion may reflective of the women I work with as well. And as ‘rette’s continue to work in and get promoted in their fields, the way people approach judging women on their ponytails will hopefully die out.

  10. anon

    Does anyone know if H&M takes old shoes as part of their collecting clothes for resale and recycling? I have a super worn pear of cotton/canvas? shoes that have gaping holes in the soles, and I really hate to throw things away…

    • 2 Cents

      Don’t know how the H&M recycling thing works, but if a pair of shoes or any piece of clothing is too worn or damaged (like holes), I just throw it out rather than burden Goodwill/Salvation Army with the task.

      • Idea

        Goodwill is seriously a recycler. They have tons of vendors that they work with that take old X (yes, including shoes). It is not a burden. Obviously they make most from resale, but the sorting & reselling is part of what they do, too.

  11. anon

    I need a little help with a gift idea. I’m a junior associate, and a senior associate in my group is leaving the firm. He’s been an absolute life saver for me the past few years–he’s brilliant and a nice guy to boot. I’m thinking maybe gift card or something…? Any ideas? How much money would be a nice surprise but not weird?

    • Anon

      I think a gift card would be weird. I would either take him to lunch and tell him you have appreciated working with him or I would give him a card saying the same thing and a bottle of alcohol if you know he drinks.

    • Maddie Ross

      Do not get him a gift card. No amount of money among associates is ever not going to be weird. Take him out for a drink if you have that kind of relationship or a buy him a drink at a happy hour with others. Buy him wine or scotch or something. Or don’t get him anything and just tell him how much his help and mentoring has meant.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I would just give him a nice note thanking him for all his help. Maayyybe a bottle of wine. Gift cards, even something you know he’d use, can be tricky depending on the relationship.

    • Jen

      The only time I could see a g/c not being weird is if it’s given with a thoughtful note, champagne, and is framed as “hope you and can go celebrate.”

      I’d skip the g/c all together though and spring for good booze but if you like the idea, that’s my idea on how to make it less awkward.

    • Anonymous

      No, I firmly believe that gifts/money should never flow up. Write him a nice card expressing your gratitude.

  12. Sydney Bristow

    Hopefully this will be my last furniture question for awhile.

    I’m buying a living room chair (and possibly an ottoman) and have it narrowed down to one at Room & Board, Crate & Barrel, and Pottery Barn. They are all similar styles. I’ve sat in the Room & Board one and it’s super comfy. Planning to try and test out the other two this weekend.

    Assuming they are all comfy and similarly priced, whitch brand would be the best choice? I’ve seen negative comments about Pottery Barn quality but good ones about the other two. Any personal experiences to share?

    • Senior Attorney

      Maybe read the reviews and see if anything stands out, good or bad? Failing that, I’d just pick the one I like best.

    • B

      I received amazing customer service at Room & Board (and their reviews are full of similar stories) so that would be my pick. I also think that in general, Room & Board stuff is better made than Crate & Barrel.

    • NYNY

      I once returned a C&B sofa which was the most beautiful piece of furniture I ever owned – turquoise linen, mid-century modern styling – but was so poorly made that after just a few months, the seat sagged so much you could feel the frame in front. I don’t know if that was standard quality for them, but I haven’t bought furniture there since.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve owned pieces from all three places and the only ones that have lasted the test of time (2 cross-country moves, dogs, etc.) are from Room & Board. Their stuff is SO well made, plus it’s made in the USA (which I point out not necessarily for patriotic reasons, but because I like to know they pay their workers well and they’re not slaving under inhumane conditions). And I think it’s more timeless than pieces from PB and C&B.

      • Sydney Bristow

        This is exactly what I needed to know. I was hoping someone would have experience with all 3 and could compare them. I was leaning towards Room & Board anyway, so I’ll go for it. It is the Dean chair if anyone is interested.

        Now to just pick the right fabric! Swatches are on the way.

    • lucy stone

      I have a Pottery Barn couch that is probably 20 years old and has held up amazingly well. It’s starting to sag now but how can I be mad after 20 years?

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      I’ve had good experiences with C&B and PB, but I love the pieces we have bought from Room & Board and their customer service is amazing (they fixed a mechanical problem with a piece of furniture that it’s possible a houseguest broke and didn’t charge us for it)!

  13. So Anon

    Confession: I’m a successful professional woman in her mid-30s who frequently stalks her boyfriend’s ex-wife on social media.

    It’s not in any sort of mean girl way – it’s more of genuine curiosity. He almost never talks about her (because she left him out of the blue and he discovered she had been cheating on him), but he loved her deeply. I’m curious about the type of woman she was/is.

    Her Pinterest is my favorite – it really allows me to get a sense of her. Judging by her pins, I actually think she and I could have been friends.

    There’s my terrible admission of the afternoon.

      • Anonymous

        No! Clearly you have similar taste and the new guy has questionable morals!

    • Anonymous

      I occasionally check in on my ex-bf new fiance, since she has more of a web presence than he does. I am now aware that he has a type – and it’s based off of his mother. He’s gained weight since we dated. Oh, and they (ex-bf and fiance) are getting married on my parents’ wedding anniversary.

    • Wildkitten

      I keep a passive-aggressive/sarcastic pinterest that is my favorite thing. Maybe I will move it off my real name and share it here.

  14. Anon For This

    I’m starting to hate my office mate. She’s too dramatic and negative (i.e., after phone calls she slams the phone down and goes off about the conversation to me) and runs after management with multiple problems. Management sees this as being really committed and involved so the drama cycle continues. Over a few short years she’s gone from being pleasant and talkative to stressed-out, high drama, and bitter.

    We’ll be working in silence when I hear, “Oh my g o d. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? He’s such a *#@# idiot!” Then I get a run down of her email. I respond with, “Ugh,” or “That sucks.” It usually escalates, to her calling management to loudly repeat this into the phone, or tearing out of our office to tell them in person. It happens multiple times per day and I feel like I’m working with an angry, emotional time bomb. It makes me tense and miserable–especially when I’m dealing quietly with my own horrible emails and phone calls.

    We’re friendly and I’d like to keep it that way, but I’m also tired of sitting in a room full of immature ranting and raving. Advice?

    • CountC

      I am not sure you can have it both ways. If management supports this behavior, it isn’t going to change any time soon. Is there any way you can get moved? I assume that would cause her to stop speaking to you, given her tendency to fly off the handle at small things, but at least you would have a peaceful work space again.

      • Anon For This

        Management supporting the behavior (and it’s not just her, all the “star” employees here act the same) tell me that this company isn’t a good fit for me. I know that–my plan is to move on–but the only jobs available mean taking a cut in pay and giving up my short commute.

        Moving isn’t an option. I also can’t wear headphones because I need to answer the phone.

    • EM

      Perhaps you could play a CD of “white noise”, ie the wind, waves, whatever. If she carps about it tell her that the soothing environment is necessary for your clear skin and sex drive.

  15. Trial

    I am a junior associate with my first trial coming up soon. I’m prepared for it to suck in just about every way. We’ll be away from home for a month, in a hot climate in the middle of summer, on a case that’s substantively pretty boring. Most importantly, the higher-ups have a history of almost missing deadlines and then dumping unrealistic amounts of work on the very few juniors at the last minute. We are routinely expected (even months before trial) to work until past 3 AM to get work done that should have been started days or weeks earlier. I can only imagine this will get worse as trial approaches.

    What are some coping strategies for dealing with disorganized senior people? I’m already thinking about prodding them on certain upcoming projects as soon as possible, but I just can’t be making strategy decisions or managing other associates at my level.

    And more generally, how have y’all taken care of yourselves during trial or other intense periods? I don’t think it’s as easy as saying I’ll go to bed at 1 every night and make sure I get some sleep, because many nights I just won’t. On a very basic level, I’m thinking about bringing a small wardrobe of only navy and gray suits and white or cream shirts, so everything matches and I don’t have to think about clothes, and maybe getting eyelash extensions so I can go makeup-free. And I’ll bring exercise clothes on the off chance I can sneak away to the gym. I’m thinking of what “comfort items” to bring for my hotel room– maybe a nice candle and a few photos.

    • MargaretO

      I always bring a pillow from home when I can swing it on long trips. If you’re flying you can buy one of those vacuum sealing bags and shrink it down so it will fit in your suitcase. I sometimes have trouble sleeping well in stranger places and this makes a huge difference for me!

    • Betty

      I know how hard it can be to manage up, but it is possible with even the most obstinate of senior people. To accomplish it, I would change your perspective a bit: Yes, the time leading up to trial can be miserable, but it is also an amazing opportunity to obtain substantive experience that you wouldn’t otherwise and that many litigators do not have today. Do you a litigation calendar with the upcoming deadlines? If not, volunteer to make one. Then become the master of that calendar. Volunteer to take on projects that will stretch your skills and those that may otherwise be dumped on your plate at the last minute.

      Bring up projects to the senior people ahead of time. For example: “Hey, I see that our proposed jury instructions will be due to the court on June 1. I am going to get started pulling that together, unless you would like me to spend my time on a different, more urgent project for this case.”

      On a different, more basic level, take care of little things for the next month now: pay bills ahead of time, buy gifts for events that may fall during this time period, look ahead and do what you can now so that you can devote yourself to the trial. During the trial, make the best decisions for your health that you can: eat well when possible, get exercise even if its once a week, and yes, simplify your wardrobe. And then my other advice: when this is over, get out of the office for a week. Seriously, the only time that I have ever been able to totally disconnect from my legal practice (other than maternity leaves) was after a huge project like this is over. Good luck!

      • sweetknee

        If you don’t take multi vitamins, start now. Consider taking extra vitamin c in the week or two leading up to trial. It seems I always got a cold just before or just after a big trial.

        For the time you are in the office, stock your desk with quality snacks like nuts, tuna, whole grain crackers and peanut butter, etc. that will get you through that midnight slump.

        I have a “travel trial box” really jut a shoebox sized plastic box) that goes with me to hotels for trials. It usually has the following: an extra pair of contacts, and extra two days of any medications that I take regularly, a couple extra pairs of pantyhose/tights if appropriate, small packets of Advil, tums, Tylenol, allergy medicine, band aids, a few tampons and pads, Neosporin, Immodium and alka seltzer, a sewing kit, an extra few single dollar bills and a roll of quarters (for vending machines in hotels), a few protein bars, a tide pen or shout wipes and some breath mints. If you can, bring a hot pot to the hotel just for heating hot water ( unless your room has microwave). If so, then bring hot tea, hot chocolate and instant soup and oatmeal packets. I know that you will often be eating with your team, but every now and then, its nice to just curl up in your room for an hour with some soup before diving back into work.

        I am all about comfort (and food, obviously!) when trying to try a case in a far away location.

        • Anonymous

          If your trial site is like our trial sites (and from your description, it sounds very similar), there will be no shortage of snacks in the office. These are usually things that are terrible for you (but oh so tasty. Mmm milano cookies…). Find out who is in charge of buying the snacks (usually a runner for us) and ask them to pick up some healthier options. And your favorite caffeine source.

        • Trial

          My other reply is stuck in moderation, but I love the trial box idea and bringing a hot pot/ scoping out the microwave situation. Thanks.

        • Wildkitten

          Hand sanitizer. Everywhere. All the time. It works even better than vitamins.

      • Anonymous

        Second the master calendar. You want to docket all deadlines in one spot and they should be on everyone’s calendar, along with periodic reminders. I would also consider checking in regularly with the partner/sr assoc in charge on the regular, like every Wed you go in and talk to them about what’s on deck, what’s in progress and who is doing what. Staying organized during trial is extremely difficult because things will come up that you have budget time for.. but staying organized in the months before trial is doable. Also a good idea if your fellow jr assocs are on board with this. Finally, if you want to be a litigator, going through a trial, esp early in your career, will absolutely cause a professional development growth spurt. You get sooooo much perspective on your case and you will learn a ton.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Figure out how to manage up the best you can. You won’t be able to control everything, but owning some piece of the case and helping the team get things done will not only make your work life better but will make you more valuable to the team. Tone is important, especially when delegating to associates of the same level. I often use the “Partner asked if you could handle . . . ” technique.

    • Anonymous

      Presumably the other juniors have the same concerns? Take turns following up with the senior folks about upcoming deadlines. You’re not managing your peers if you’re working with them to get the ball rolling.

    • Trial

      These are excellent tips, thanks everybody. I’ve been slacking on my vitamins lately because I’ve been so busy but I need to whip myself into shape. I am very excited about gaining this experience and having to “manage up” is really going to make me a better lawyer. Just, eeesh.

    • Anonymous

      When I’m on longer trips I ALWAYS work out everyday. Even if it’s just 20 minutes. It clears my head and helps me make healthier choices when a snack drawer is involved!

    • Young professional

      Bring really comfy clothes that you don’t mind your bosses seeing you in to change into afterm trial day is over — I usually wear a big sweater, jeans and flats for after trial until clients and big bosses leave and then switch into leggings and slippers for late night. Figure out your plan for laundry and dry cleaning in advance. Figure out the nearest urgent care that takes your insurance in case you need medicine or get sick. It’s easy to end up not really eating anything because you are so busy and have so much adrenaline, but you can’t sustain that for a month — at least have something at each meal and keep healthy snacks in your room. Bring an extra phone charger. If you have an associate friend who is not on the case but can be your backup for a discrete project now and again when you are won out (like drafting a motion in limine or researching a narrow issue) that’s also very helpful. Have fun!

  16. waffles

    I have a white pebble leather purse. I wore it with dark-wash jeans and ended up with blue dye all over it. Cost a couple hundred dollars to get cleaned (basically the value of the purse). Lesson learned :(

    • Sydney Bristow

      I tried on a cute white faux-leather jacket yesterday but decided not to keep it because I’m afraid my regular black purse would do the same thing.

  17. AIMS

    I was internet window shopping when I stumbled upon a brand called Karl Lagerfeld Paris at L&T (also at Dillars). It all looks very “Chanel inspired” and if it didn’t have KL name attaches I’d even say it looks like Chanel knockoffs. But of course some of it looks cute and all of it seems reasonably priced (or not, if quality sucks). Actually, hard to say because L&T has the worst website/styling. Anyway, does anyone know anything about this brand? What is Karl’s affiliation with them? Licensed his name or actually involved? Has anyone tried? I have to admit I am curious and maybe want some of the jackets.

    • Ha

      No thoughts except to agree with you that LT’s page is really terrible. I don’t know who does their web design but the search function is terrible and it makes me never want to buy anything from them.

    • AEK

      I was actually just in an L&T store this past weekend looking for work dresses and saw lots from this line. I assume it’s just a name licensing deal because the quality looked pretty poor in terms of the fabrics and finishes. I wasn’t tempted to try any on, and I was pretty desperate (hence being in an actual store). Also, I have to say that I had such a hard time navigating the store! All “dresses” were together in the “dresses” section, except when they weren’t.

  18. CHL

    This is a little random, but figured that many of you high achieving professional women may be consultants and/or good at Powerpoint. I often get managers/leaders asking for “training” on Powerpoint to “be like consultants would make.” I think what they want is a combination of “technical” training on the program, plus skills in telling a story through powerpoint, creating a clean visual experience, executive-level insights, etc. I’m okay at this mainly because it was beat into my head when I was consulting by my managers, but I never was “trained” and most of the training I can find via google, etc. is more in the technical variety. Has anyone experienced any kind of great training in creating awesome Powerpoints?

    • NYNY

      Presentation preferences are so industry-specific and sometimes organization-specific that it’s hard to generalize. In my organization, the standard template approved by senior leadership would make it into a “Why Your Powerpoint Sucks” article every time: Lots of text, no images, presenters basically red the slides. Seriously, almost every meeting includes a slide that no one can read because someone pasted an entire spreadsheet into it. The presenter says “this is kind of an eye chart” and proceeds to read the whole thing. But when I’ve tried to deviate, I’m pushed back to the template.

      All that being said, google articles on why your powerpoint sucks. They really do give good guidance.

    • Anon

      The Visual Display of Quantitative Information by Tufte is great. It’s a book and it’s not about PowerPoint but it provides a good foundation for thinking about how to present things. #1 tip, don’t use “3-D” charts unless you’re really using three axes (unlikely). If you’re presenting something like sales per quarter, normal 2D bar charts will be clearer.

      My employer has an in house PowerPoint template that we are all expected to use. It has a limited color palette and certain sheet styles we can use. Shutting off some of the options helps a lot.

      We still pass around incredibly busy slides as a “deck” and don’t expect people to read them only from a screen at the front of the room. I’m ok with this if it is truly meant to be a book rather than a presentation.

      But for your typical front of room presentation, yeah, limit the information on each page, a picture tells a thousand words, and label your axes, people. Label them.

      If you’re presenting a list of bullet points, they should be short and sweet, the font should be large enough for the person in the back of the room to read, and you should use a really basic animation effect (no swooshing noises or swirling text) to make the bullet points appear one by one so that your audience stays with you and doesn’t drift ahead to your subsequent points.

    • Susan

      Check out duarte.com. Nancy Duarte is the one who helped Al Gore put together his “Inconvenient Truth” preso :) They have different books and some online training but I did their Slideology workshop in Sunnyvale and it was AWESOME.

  19. Emergency Prep

    What’s your home emergency kit?

    My husband and I recently moved into a bigger place. We now actually have room for emergency supplies beyond a premade 3-day emergency kit from Amazon for two and some bottled water. We live in earthquake country, so I’d like to stock up on some more items that would be useful in the event of a natural disaster, but I’m not entirely sure what to buy.

    I recently purchased a radio that’s powered by hand crank/batteries, but what else do you ladies keep on hand and roughly how many days do you plan for your supplies to last?

    • Betty

      Our major potential danger is in the winter with snow and ice storms, but here is our list: The hand crank radio, a battery powered lantern for each member of the family, enough wood to heat the house for at least a week year round (we could also boil water on our stove), a generator with enough juice to charge a cell phone, cash on hand to buy groceries and gas for a week, bottled water to drink and water to flush the toilets/boil for cooking (kept in 2 liter bottles), pantry stable food for about a week or two, medications for a month, matches. I’m sure there is more but that is what comes to the top of my mind.

    • SC

      Good reminder to check ours and make any necessary updates. I haven’t paid attention to ours since 2012, and we’ve had a baby since then.

      Our emergency supplies include preparations for evacuations (from hurricanes) AND stuff for the house if the power goes out. For evacuations, I try to keep the cars half-full with gas during hurricane season; keep cash on hand; make a quick (under an hour) packing list; have all of our important papers, insurance documents, and vet records together and ready to grab; and keep a stash of bottled water and road trip snacks for sitting in traffic. I’d probably want to find some pet-friendly hotels en route to our evacuation destinations, just in case cell phone service was spotty.

      For staying through a power outage, we have bottled water, kitchen staples, a grill and plenty of fuel (our oven is gas-powered, but if the power/AC is out during hurricane season, it’s too hot to use it indoors), a large cooler and ice packs, a hand-crank radio, and battery-powered lanterns. But, honestly, with a toddler, we’d probably leave town if a storm was so bad that we and all our in-town family members didn’t have power.

    • anon prof

      Cash on small bills because places will go cash only and not give change when the power is out or the gas stations are running low on gas around here. Comfortable shoes and socks. Canned goods and a hand operated can opener. Water purifier, like for camping, not a Brita pitcher.

  20. Finance girl

    Meeting a CFO as part of culmination of a series of interviews (I work in Finance). Anecdotally he’s a Type A apparently (aren’t they all?). What do I ask him? I don’t think the usual “tell me about your day” and “how do I become you in a few years” will work here… or at least, they sound cheesy/canned to me.
    The company is going through some financial difficulties but I’d like to not ask about that either…

    • Anon

      I’m also in finance. If the company is in financial difficulties, that’s definitely something you bring up with the CFO! That’s his job. I wouldn’t waste this opportunity asking about the weather.

      Read up, be as informed as you can, and ask questions that go one step deeper than the published financials. Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to.

  21. Kate

    I have a request for the editors or anyone who feels like doing some shopping. I would love to find a suit that includes a dress, skirt, and an open jacket like this one (love the cut but don’t love the zippers.)

    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-zip-pocket-open-jacket-regular-petite/4401298?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=NAVY%20PEACOAT

    Looking for an all-season material, open to various colors, lower end price range.

    Since this type of jacket goes by different names it’s hard to search on some of the key suiting sites so I just wanted to put that in the editors’ head for a possible Suit of the Week.

    Thanks in advance!

  22. Wild Rose

    Hey all,

    I’m not sure if many of you have heard about the wildfire in Fort McMurray, a town in northern Alberta (Canada). This is my hometown- its been going on for quite a while now, and it sounds like they have finally started to get it under control. Over 88,000 people were evacuated and the fire is over 200,000 hectares in size. Now that it has burned out in a lot of the city, people are getting in and starting to get pictures of the destruction.

    I haven’t lived there in a long time, and all of my family and friends were evacuated safely (there were only 2 deaths, thankfully, but a lot of people had to leave quickly and left everything behind). I spent some time looking for photos of my old school, neighbourhood, childhood home, my ex-bfs home where we used to live.. so much of it is just ashes now. It’s unsettling to see so much of my childhood just.. gone.

    I guess I was never planning to move back there, but it sort of felt like I still had a home somewhere. Now I feel a bit homeless. It’s sort of silly when so many people have suffered so much loss in this situation, but I’m taking a self-indulgent moment to feel sad.

    I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or sympathy or what.. I this I just needed a venue to be self-indulgent for a moment before I go back to thinking of all the evacuees who have real needs. Thanks for listening:)

    • Bald Man

      A lot of people feel the same way in a wide variety of circumstances – like, when your parents move out of your childhood home. There’s an article today in the Times about young adults feeling homeless because they are priced out of the neighborhood they grew up in. Your situation is more sudden and tragic and bigger and more permanent, but the feelings you are feeling are very very normal and many if not most people have them at some point.

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