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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 144 Comments · by

Bargain Friday’s TPS Report: Flounce Hem Skirt

Fashion· The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Wear to Work | · ·

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. FLOUNCE HEM SKIRT-6-BLACKMax Studio's sales continue to impress. Today I'm liking this simple skirt with a bit of an A-line shape to it — like the ruffle and the shape, and the sale: was $68, now $28 at MaxStudio.com. (Free delivery over $100, lots of sizes left as of this AM.)  FLOUNCE HEM SKIRT-6-BLACK Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail editor@corporette.com with “TPS” in the subject line. (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Lyssa

    Pretty. I saw a young attorney wearing one like this yesterday, and it looked great on her. But she was tall and leggy. On me, those types of skirts, particularly with a jacket, just look twee. Cute for the right person, I guess.

    • Ru

      Hey Lyssa, I can’t get those shoes you posted out of my head and luckily, my size is still available. Can you comment as to how Anne Klein shoes fit? Are they narrow, wide, etc? Naturalizer and Aerosoles fit me fine but I wonder if Anne Klein would be too narrow for my feet….

      • Lyssa

        I only have one pair (that were sadly damaged last time I traveled- BTW, does anyone know if you can repair patent leather? I need to take them to a shoe guy soon.)

        The fit is pretty good, but I might call them a little narrow. These are peep toes, and the toe hole part is really snug (even though I would call my foot on the narrow side) and tends to rub. The shoes are still fab, but they definitely fall more on the “wear out to dinner when you’ll mostly be sitting down” side of the spectrum. Gorgeous shoes, though- red patent with a small black bow, I’ve had strangers on the street stop me to complement them.

        I hope they work for you. I loved the gray, but I’m thinking more and more about the houndstooth. I might go back, too!

        • Lyssa

          Oh, I wore my Anne Klein shoes to law school sometimes (wow, I’ve had them for longer than I realized) and was fine, particularly if I brought communting shoes, so I’m not saying that they’re so uncomfortable that you couldn’t wear them around the office or anything like that. And the only discomfort really came from the open-toe, so I would assume that the ones we’re talking about would be fine. (I’m really looking for a new pair of “fun” closed-toe shoes. It seems like everything’s peep toe these days, which I like, but I also like tights and hose this time of year.)

          • govvie

            There will soon be a flock of us wearing those cute houndstooth shoes- mine are enroute :)

    • Alias Terry

      I think it is a combination of riding low, so at a wider part and flaring at the bottom.

      It would look twice as bad on stumpy little me.

      • Sharon

        Just ordered it – ordered 2 sizes since not sure how it runs. I would wear this with a black cashmere turtleneck not tucked in, so I don’t see how the riding low matters. Would pair it as well with black tights and great shoes. With a great necklace, it’s a good look for workshops with clients.

  3. kz

    Does anyone know how their clothes fit? I’m between sizes and can’t decide if I should go up or down.

    • surrounded by lawyers

      I’m reliably a 0-2 or XS in J. Crew, BR and AT and have found the sizing in Max Studio (for me) to be consistent with those brands.

  4. MsZ

    Early threadjack . . . happy Friday lovely ladies!

    I have a party coming up where I want to wear this dress: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/iisli-shimmer-pleated-fan-dress/2925120 (The dress code is “Festive Sexy Attire Required,” there will be absolutely no professional colleagues there, and trust me when I say I rock this dress.) However. I’ve worn it once before and at the last minute in crisis mode (I was out of town and had only packed this dress) ended up throwing a cami under it as it is both pretty low and pretty unstructured (read: gaps and falls open) on top. Do you have recommendations for undergarments other than a cami so that I could still rock the v-neck? I’m a 34B on top.

    TIA!

    • Cat

      Ooh, that is gorgeous! Is your concern the depth of the V (which I’ll be interested to hear other suggestions — I’m having trouble leaving the silki cami realm), or the falling open? If the falling open, fashion tape can work wonders.

    • Lyssa

      I love that for the right event (and I have the model’s body- by which I mean, lack of chest). Too bad it’s no longer available. My thinking is that the effect is lost if you use an undergarment (other than a small, not showing, bra)- I would get some double sided tape.

      • anon

        If the v is too low for a bra, try some of those stick on silicone nipple cover things. It will eliminate the headlights. Or, look for a deep-v bra, I think that victoria’s secret makes one. Instead of going straight across in the middle, the connecting piece goes down into a v shape so its not visible.

        And for the gaping, really do try fashion tape. It is a miracle worker, trust me. I like the “matchsticks” brand because of it’s small packaging and I can throw it in my purse. They sell it in the lingerie dept. at Neimans. Put a couple of extra peices in your bag in case it starts to loose its sticking power over the course of the night.

    • Batgirl

      Can we talk about how funny the model’s pose it? She’s seriously rocking that dress–on all sorts of hallucinogenics.

      • Alias Terry

        I have noticed a trend toward the freakish as of late. Models in bizarre poses like this and/or with facial expressions that do nothing to sell the garment (usually the angry face or the vapid face).
        I don’t find it artistic, just really distracting.

        • somewherecold

          I have noticed that in ads for wedding dresses in magazines. Why would someone looking drugged out of her mind while wearing a wedding dress make me want to wear that wedding dress?

    • MM

      The hollywood fashion tape really does work wonders. I’ve used it to tape my bra straps to my shoulders in a pinch (narrow shoulders + ill fitting bra = slippage), and it held, which I thought was no small feat.

      I wonder if a combination of that plus those no-headlights petals would work for you? The dress is really pretty, and I agree that some of the effect would be lost if you put a cami under.

    • AnonymousFRA

      What about the fashion tape that hollywood starlets swear by to help keep things in place? I think i’ve seen it at Nordstroms and I’m sure you could find it online. I’d think that if you could tape the V to your body, that would solve the falling open issue w/o ruining the line of the dress.

      • MsZ

        Whew . . . seems like this dress creates a “sticky situation.” Coverups and fashion tape it is! I’ve never tried either of these, and am petrified of a wardrobe malfunction . . . but if you ladies say they’ll work, and MM your testimonial is pretty powerful, I’ll give it a shot! DH is going to think this is hilarious.

    • Ru

      For a different look, I think this dress would be great way to show off a bra/camisole/slip that’s meant to be seen – something super lacy or otherwise embellished, whether it’s a bright color or patterned. I don’t know if you’d be comfortable with that but it’s just a suggestion.

      • Anonymous

        go, ru! love this idea best as the OP would be confident. rock something with intention to flaunt rather than hope to defensively hide. withi this gorgeous dress, how about a rich wine purple slip, with coordinating earings and clutch all in the same color family, or black slip with black shoes and lots of gold jewelry? something light and femme. not structured– agree with all above that this dress’s strength is its softness and embrace of, rather than shaping of, the feminine form. it’s ethereal. be ethereal with it.

        no matter what, it’s lovey and no doubt you will be too! enjoy!

    • SF Bay Associate

      I’m a 34A and swear by double stick tape and sticker/nu-bras. I got the tape and bra at Nordstroms (for returnability if they failed), but they work great. I keep some spare tape in my purse if I’m wearing the tape – always good to have extra should something shift.

    • anon

      I think you should take the dress into Nordstrom and get one of their lovely associates to help you. They sell all of the things that have been recommended to you so you could check all of it out with the dress.

      Good luck! Sounds like a fun party!

  5. coco

    PSA: Whoever was looking for t-shirts for under sweaters yesterday, 6pm has a huge sale on three dots, which I know are a favorite. Honestly, good day for sales over there…hard to resist!

  6. nonA

    I live in this brands dresses in the summer outside of work – but I usually find them for about $30 at TJ Maxx and the like. They are comfy, don’t wrinkle and hold up relatively well in my experience (although not worth the sticker price, which I can’t imagine paying given that they are so easily found in the bargain bins).

    • s-p-s

      Agreed! Especially since their sizes can run small – it’s nice to try on a few options while getting a great price for comfy, pretty dresses.

  7. Daisy

    Threadjack –

    This is an embarrassing one. My long time significant other, with whom I share an otherwise amazing life (we both have great careers, a wonderful home together, tons of shared interests and values), has periods of what he’d describe as obsessive preoccupation with having meaningless sex outside our relationship. The way he describes it, it really strikes me as an addiction (though I admit I thought Tiger’s “sex addiction” was absurd). We’re sort of at a fork in the road right now and he finally seems willing to seek professional help and maybe get himself on some sort of SSRI. Ladies, where to start? Any doctors to recommend in the NYC area or other words of wisdom?

    • Batgirl

      I’m sorry, that sucks. When you say “obsessive preoccupation” do you mean he goes out and has meaningless sex or he just thinks about it a lot?

      • Daisy

        He “schedules” it with people on the internet and then backs out, typically (this I’ve known about for a while). More recently, it’s escalated and he has gone through with it.

        • Ida

          I mean, its up for everyone to decided what is ok in their own relationship, but for me, absolutely not, addiction or not. If I was dating an alcoholic and he was having sex while drunk, I would also leave him, and I know how hard it is to break that addiction. And especially having sex with people on the internet. Is he paying them? He has just put you at risk. If you were my girl friend, I would help you move out of there so fast it would make his head spin. And he finally seems willing to get help? He wasn’t willing to before? It makes me think its less of an addiction and more of just wanting to do it (and yes being obsessed with doing it)

          This must be so hard for you, and I feel for you so much. I was in a situation before where I loved someone so much, I bought their excuse as to why he felt he couldn’t be monogamous, until I realized it was just that, an excuse. He has severely betrayed you, and even if it is an “addiction” there should have been a moment, on the way to meeting a stranger for sex, where he thought, no this is wrong, I love Daisy, I need to seek help if I am compelled to do this. Personally, even if he sought help, I would always have trouble letting go of the fact that he did that.

          • Lola

            Amen, Ida.

            If he proved to you, after he got professional help, that he had his “addiction” under control, then I’d give him another chance.

        • Jade Moon

          Oh, Daisy, I went through the same thing, except that we were actually married. We divorced. I missed/loved him so much, we remarried. He had been to therapy, and I went with him, etc. And it was never going to happen again because, you know, we were in love, and had so much in common and he was “treated” and remorseful.

          Within a few months of our second marriage, he was at it again. (He’s a doctor and there were no end of willing patients/nurses/hospital personnel.) We divorced again. I’m now married to a super, faithful, kind, good person. He ain’t no famous doctor, but he’s a fine human being and I’m happy.

          I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, and I recommend you get therapy until you are comfortable ending this. Then, end it. This is an addiction without end. (Oh, and I got an STD from him, so take the advice of others and get checked. I had no resistance to this particular STD and got lesions everywhere, developed a high fever, lesions got infected. . . not pretty. And because viral infections never go away, not curable.)

          Good luck to you!

          • Daisy

            Thank you so much for sharing this, Jade Moon. So much of that rings true for me. It is so encouraging to hear that you’ve now moved on and are happily married to someone who deserves you.

    • Lyssa

      No real experience here, but one thing I would tell you is that, while it’s great that this person is realizing a problem and seeking help, ultimately, this is something that you have to decide whether or not you want to live with. There might be change, but there also might not be, or it might even get worse.

      Sometimes I see people get into relationships where they overlook the problems, and then they get too comfortable to change, and next thing they know they’ve wasted a lot of their lives with a person who they know is not right for them and can’t give them the life they want. (I know that people will object to this, but I think this is a major problem with couples living together before they make a permanant commitment- once you live together, it seems like so much work to not.) It doesn’t make you a bad/repressed/judgmental/whatever person if you decide that that’s not the life for you. (If you’re OK with it (Are we talking about an open relationship, here?), don’t take that as my saying that you shouldn’t be OK with it, either. It’s your decision, of course.)

      • Lyssa

        I just caught the part where you said that he went through with it- I take that to mean that you’re not talking about an open relationship, but an actual betrayal. I agree with Run, below. This is something that he’s got a problem with, and he’s not likely to change for you. Particularly, and I hate to say it, but particularly if he knows that he can get away with it to you by labeling it an “obsession” or “addiction.” He made a choice to both schedule and go through with it.

        Best of luck to you.

    • Anon

      This is not easy for you to go through. I definitely recommend he start therapy and stick with it so he can figure out what is really going on. Also consider couple’s therapy, perhaps in addition to his individual therapy. The fees for all the therapy add up, but speaking from experience it is so worth it. For this particular issue I recommend Jill Bresler, either to see individually or as a couple. jillbresler.com. She’s by Madison Square Park. She helped my husband and me through a different, but also tough, intimacy issue.

    • Run

      Note that you were skeptical about the legitimacy of a “sex addiction” when it was someone else (Tiger Woods) and not your significant other. Even if your SO was treated, supposedly cured, would you want continue stay with him, continue devoting yourself to someone who has betrayed you and has a good chance of doing it again because of an obsessive addiction? You have been with him a long time, but it does not sound like you have kids together and you could have the life you describe (great careers, wonderful home, tons of shared interests and values) with someone else who does not have a “sex addiction.” Here’s another question- if one of your close friends posted the question you just posted, would you tell her to find him a therapist, or would you tell her to move on?

    • coco

      Make sure you find some sort of supportive environment for yourself while you are both going through this, especially if he begins therapy. Whether that is couples counseling, individual therapy for you, or a support group of some sort, find a place where you will be comfortable talking about all your issues, what he is going through, and how it is changing or affecting you as a couple. Also, remember that talking about getting therapy is just a first step – he may change his mind, he may balk at times during therapy, he might just decide that he doesn’t or can’t change, or any number of other possibilities. That is why is it so important for you to have a support system to help you figure out what you want or expect from this process and what to do if it doesn’t meet your expectations.

      I wish you the best of luck – hopefully everything will work out as you hope or even better!

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry for what you are going through. I know you don’t need anything else added to the stress, but since he has gone through with it, I suggest you get tested for STIs.

      • Anonymous

        So sorry!

        His issues are not about you at all.

        But how you react is all you now– taking care of you, for you.

        Get tested, and get out.

        What is the best case scenario here?

        What is your fodest wish with this guy, and what is you fondest wish for your life? Do you see those hopes, wishes, and possibilities aligning? No way, Jose.

        This is not not not not not to be down on you. Rather, it’s up with you! Onward and upward.

        You would not be being too picky to move on from someone who can’t man up and pick you.

        Put you first (this isn’t about being down on him, either– you must love or have loved him and he must have fine qualities) and move on to have the chance to be with someone who also puts you first.

        Please love thyself. Respect yourself. Imagine your daughter came to you with this situation. You wouldn’t let her hurt this way. Don’t you stay in this hurtful place, either. You don’t have to.

        Sending love and strength!!
        Things will get better for you when you put yourself first. Getting him better is not your job.

        oxo for real. Good luck!

    • Anonymous

      Uncanny– you gotta read the divine Carolyn’s Tell Me About It from *today*!

      Get outta there. Not your fault. Not your problem. Be free of it, be strong, get to a better place, where you can grow into happiness. The good things with this guy are not enough. You wanna be old and married to this creep and wishing back your youth and your possibilities? Your possibilities are endless now. Don’t end em with him.

      Your Corporettes are behind you!

      You man is out there, a good man, a man who deserves you. Get free to meet him.

      Love to you!

      http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/10/AR2011021006149.html

      • Yup

        500% agree with this excellent advice. Please, please, please save yourself a lot of heartache and get out of this relationship asap. Your bf needs serious help and therapy, but the fact that he already betrayed you tells me that it is time to move on. Sending you a big hug and best wishes.

    • Shukween

      @Daisy:

      wow. so sorry you are going through this–hugs.

      I’m a little alarmed at everyone who is so quick to tell you to get out, especially since everything else is great for you two. I have just never been able to have that knee-jerk, he-had-sex-with-someone-else-so-we’re-done reaction–in my experience, unless he’s just a player, the sex is a symptom and not the issue. If I were you, I would insist on his getting therapy, and I would separately get myself to someone as well. I would feel like I needed to understand the ‘why’ for this behavior before I cut and run. I’m not excusing his behavior, it is serious and has, as a PP pointed out, put you at risk, but I do know that lack of the ability to govern impulses, resulting in uncontrollable behavior like sex outside of a relationship, can be a symptom of depression and mania—his therapist (preferably an MD) will be able to make that evaluation from the DSM.

      If, after each of you works through how you feel and he gets a handle on the underlying issue, you do decide to work to rebuild the relationship, you may need to go to therapy together. But I would think long and hard before just running at the first sign of adversity—if he is your friend, he needs you now, especially if he has just admitted that he needs help.

      • Ann

        There is a big, big difference – in my opinion – between a guy who has a “slip” and a guy who repeatedly and compulsively pursues sex with strangers and follows through with his pursuit at least once. I am not one for throwing out a marriage/LTR over one incident but this doesn’t sound like one incident to me, it sounds like a compulsive pattern of behavior. Much harder to change/fix.

      • Ida

        I think a lot of people are saying to jump ship because its the big thing. its not that everything else is great and he doesn’t do housework, its that other things are great except for the fact that he is betraying me, putting my health at risk, and engaging in behavior that makes me feel blank (unattractive, unloved, disrespected, disposable. I don’t want to put words in daisy’s mouth, that is how I would feel.) This is not a case about running at the first sign of adversity. Just because sex is the “symptom not the issue” doesn’t mean she needs to help him though this. If my bf, who I love more than anyone in the world and is amazing, if he ever hit me, even if it was because he was depressed, or manic, or drunk due to an alcohol addiction, I would be out. Daisy is not just a friend, she doesn’t have to help him if the adversity is something that is such a betrayal and such a hard thing to deal with herself.

        My personal bias, for full disclosure, is I have a hard time thinking sex is an uncontrollable impulse. He had to post an ad on the internet (or reply to one) exchange emails, set up a time and place, go there, and then do the act. That is hours, days, or weeks worth of contact to have the sex. Its hard for me to think of that as an impulse problem. Even if the urge is uncontrollable (for instance, he can’t help fantasizing about it or thinking about) the act seems controllable, and I think the help should have been sought before the act.

        There is no right or wrong course of action for Daisy, there is only right or wrong for herself. Daisy I think either way you should see a therapist as an individual. When I had a bad breakup, I had a lot of feelings that it was silly to see a therapist for a breakup, it seemed trivial almost. The therapist helped me so much, about the breakup and also just learning about myself. A break up with someone you live with is going to be hard no matter what the cause, and staying with someone who cheated on you will also have hard times. I really wish you the best, and to share the best advice I have been given about relationships is to listen to your gut. In the relationship I mentioned for a long time when i would call him and not get an answer, I would get this anxiety and my heart would beat really fast. I don’t know why, but for some reason that wasn’t even registering in my mind as a problem. It was my body physically telling me something was wrong with the relationship, but I was always ignoring it. When you think about your course of action, really listen to your body, your mind, and your subconscious. Goodluck

      • Jay

        It’s not an “uncontrollable impulse” if he’s soliciting on the internet and making plans. It’s not that he just falls into bed with some random after having too much to drink–he thinks about it, strategizes, and takes deliberate steps for it to happen. Not that I think ANY betrayal is ever okay, but I do see a distinction. Every relationship is different, but I could not see staying with someone who puts me at risk knowingly and deliberately–which it sounds like he did. Therapy or no therapy, he has to want to change, and it sounds like he doesn’t.

    • Ann

      Oh, Lord. I am so sorry you are going through this.

      I have a best girlfriend who went through this with her ex. Not to scare you or be melodramatic – she ended up getting chlamydia, herpes and HPV, got cervical cancer at 27 and had to have most of her cervix removed, and ended up infertile. Long after she had divorced her first husband, she was dealing with the consequences of his behavior – into her new marriage, where she wasn’t able to have children with her new husband. There are very real and very serious consequences to this kind of behavior. In the news coverage about Tiger Woods, if you read it, he never wanted to use condoms. People who engage in this kind of risky sex for the thrill are very rarely discriminating about who they do it with and they also don’t tend to use protection. Using protection apparently takes some of the thrill out of doing something illicit, and also requires the sex addict to “prepare” for an encounter, whereas they usually try to convince themselves that what they are doing is impulsive.

      I feel sorry for your SO. I am sure he is struggling and it is awful. However, as women we have to take care of our health. Many of us on this board are too old to get vaccinated for HPV, and now a huge amount of information is coming out about how many cases of throat and anal cancers are being caused by HPV. Not to mention that HIV is still out there. I demand sexual exclusivity in my marriage not only because of the emotional factors but because I do not want my health jeopardized by anything my husband may pick up from someone else (we both got tested for everything under the sun before we started sleeping together and were both clean; that was a non-negotiable for me). I would strongly recommend you don’t have any more sex with your SO without being very protected, at the very least.

      I don’t know how old you are. I am sure that your SO means a lot to you. But think about what you want for you, for your future. Do you want a marriage, children, etc.? How long is it going to take for your SO to work through his problems in therapy, and even if he is successful, will this problem hang over your head the rest of the relationship? Can you accept that this behavior has nothing to do with you, and regardless of who you are, how good you look, and what you do with him, he will probably always have this urge and may act on it? This has nothing to do with you, it is something he has a compulsion to do, and you can’t stop that. You can’t change him.

      I am sorry to sound so callous but I think I have posted before, I have seen a lot of great women I know waste a lot of the best years of their lives on men who were absolutely not worth it. How many years, and how much of your time and energy are you willing to put into helping him through this, knowing that this may be an ongoing problem for the rest of his life? Please don’t convince yourself, no matter your age or whatever, that it’s better to stick it out/ride it out than it is to try to move on.

      I really feel for you. I know you want to help him. But think of it this way. You can separate yourself from him and still help him – still be his friend and support him through whatever treatment he needs, without yoking yourself to someone who has self-destructive habits and will be struggling with them for a long time. Think about yourself, and what you want. Be good to yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else. Good luck.

      • CFM

        This is scary, but I think it needs to be a real concern. I think my sig. other finding sex through the internet would actually be much more scary to me than by finding someone on the internet. I think on the internet you either 1. pay for it (which means plenty of other people have paid for it) or 2. your meeting a type of woman who likes to have anonymous casual sex with anyone (and everyone). He is not meeting housewives or corporettes through craigslist, and I think you should be concerned. Also, some diseases, and I believe HIV is one of them, I hope I am not speaking falsely, take a while to show up in tests even. So if he is tested now it is possible he did contract the disease and it will not show up in the test for a few more months.

        Can I ask how you found out? Did he tell you about the sex, or did you find out yourself?

        • CFM

          That first sentence I meant that sex with internet people is more scary than him picking someone up at a bar.

      • Laura

        I think the bottom line is that you have to decide when it is going to hurt. He is not going to become the person you deserve to have in your life. I think in the long run that breaking up with him sooner is better than later.

    • govvie

      I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. Whether or not he is “able” to control partaking, his partaking is interfering with his life -and yours. So while I’m not a neurologist or behavioral counselor, and can’t claim to know whether his behavior is similar to an alcoholic or gambling addict, you still need help as his loved one in how to deal with your life. Families of alcoholics can get support through Al Anon (I’ve got a family member in alcoholism recovery) but I’m not sure if there is something similar for his compulsion. But that is something you can look into, or at the least, a counselor. Hope things get better for you.

    • Daisy

      Wow, thank you all for the thoughtful comments. I haven’t really wanted to talk to my friends about this because, well, most of them are our joint friends and it’s a very sensitive topic. Some of the responses really made me wish I could just give you a hug for being so supportive.

      I have a lot to think about. I go back and forth between thinking I need to get out immediately – tear off the bandaid, and thinking I shouldn’t be rash as this is someone I care very, very deeply about and consider my best friend in the world, the person who knows more about me than anyone else, and aside from this one (absolutely huge, horrible) thing, is so wonderful to me and who I’ve always been so happy to be around.

      • Jay

        But it is that One Thing. I think you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t have a One Thing, or at least only has a one thing–like he’s not great at running the dishwasher or he often forgets to put gas in the car. Think of yourself in 20 years–do you still want to be dealing with this? An addict is always an addict, even if he isn’t actively seeking out the addictive substance/situation.
        As someone said upthread, Love Yourself First!! You have not agreed to an open relationship, and unless you have, he is using you and not treating you like his best friend–and you deserve reciprocity there.

    • RKS

      Daisy, honestly, my first reaction was to how you described your relationship: great careers, wonderful home, shared interests/values. The first two are not necessarily a result of your being a couple. And given what comes next, I really don’t think you have much of the same shared values, either.

      How long has this been going on? How long have you known about it? Why are you only reaching a fork in the road now? To me, this would have been earth-shaking the first time I learned, regardless of whether he followed through. Maybe exclusivity and monogamy were not a key part of your relationship; I don’t want to presume. But your reaction, at least here, seems pretty muted compared to the magnitude of betrayal I would feel.

    • zee

      I agree with Carolyn’s initial steps (I’m glad she selected your question!). Sounds like you should be sorting out how you feel about it first.

        • surrounded by lawyers

          zee was responding to Carolyn Hax’s chat, which was at noon today. She took NYC’s question during the chat (hope somebody else didn’t paste it in and submit it…assume it was the OP)

        • Marie

          Not Carolyn’s column from earlier, the chat this afternoon…Daisy posted her question there and Carolyn answered in the live Q&A.

      • Daisy

        Wow, that is very strange. I did not submit that question. I suppose I don’t mind and I appreciate all the advice I can get, but wow, weird…

        • Anonymous

          Daisy, I linked to Caroln’s regular old Q from the WaPo today (linked @ 1:50) but didn’t submit it to the online chat @noon.

          I guess we Corporettes are Carolyn fans, which is a good thing– she espouses ethics, pursuing dreams with realism and kindness. What she would say about submitting someone else’s query to a chat I can only imagine… (would she say ‘Oy!’? I did when I checked back to Corporette for latest and untangled the above)… I’m not even gonna read her chat as it’s all a bit meta/modern/do-loop to keep track of, but I hope she and her readers were helpful for you. No one could comment and be unmoved.

          Literally everyone reading Corporette today is in your corner. Get tested and be in your own corner, too.

          Bottom line: still think you should get out of there, for you. Support him as a friend if you need to, but don’t subsume yourself. Into or for *any* man, and certainly not for one who doesn’t deserve you. Life is happening right now… don’t let your be less than it could be, can be. I liked the ‘think how you’d feel if your daughter had this problem’ above. That’s for real. You’d never let her be demeaned. (Not b/c we expect perfection from mates, but because we should all shamelessly and proudly Demand intention.)

          You sounds really cool, BTW, really with-it, frank, graceful, and smart. There is a happy ending out there for you. Thank you for making all of us think about what is important today, and know that we are all struggling with living our dreams, with expectations, effort, standards and striving. It is worth it for all of us to keep up the fight for ourselves.

          Good luck, chica!

        • CFM

          I’ll copy and paste what she wrote, but to whoever submitted that on Daisy’s behalf… I don’t really think that was right. Corporette is a site she might feel positive her bf doesn’t read, washington post not so much.

          NYC: This is an embarrassing one. My long time significant other, with whom I share an otherwise amazing life (we both have great careers, a wonderful home together, tons of shared interests and values), has periods of what he’d describe as obsessive preoccupation with having meaningless sex outside our relationship. The way he describes it, it really strikes me as an addiction (though I admit I thought Tiger’s “sex addiction” was absurd). We’re sort of at a fork in the road right now and he finally seems willing to seek professional help and maybe get himself on some sort of SSRI. Where to start?

          Carolyn Hax: Start by 1. seeing whether there’s an untreated, underlying disorder at work here; just for example, hypersexuality is often a symptom of bipolar disorder. That wouldn’t make the meaningless sex indulgences okay, but it would explain them and make part of the problem treatable (it would still have to be paired with his genuine desire to rein in his behavior). SSRI seems to be jumping the gun, unless you know something official about his condition that you haven’t mentioned here.

          And 2. getting some care on your own, both a full checkup to make sure your SO didn’t bring you any meaningless-sex souvenirs, and good counseling to help you figure out what you’ll put up with, for how long and why. You need to know your own mind, and particularly your limits, on this.

          I’m deliberately not weighing in on the possibility of sex addiction because addictive behaviors and drives are real (thus the link of hypersexuality to mania, which is without question a legitimate condition)–but I’m not in a position to comment on whose are legit and whose are hooey (whooey?). That’s for the licensed professionals who treat the person in question.

    • Anon

      There is a 12 step program, similar to Alcoholics Anonymous for sex addicts. I don’t think they have a 12 step program for the partners of those people but there is a program called CoDependents Anonymous, that is sort of like Al Anon (which is for people who love Alcoholics) that might be helpful for you. I have an alcoholic in my family and only started feeling better when I went to Al Anon and found a sponsor and started doing the steps. It was WAY out of my comfort zone and if you knew me in real life would probably be surprised I go, but has been tremendously helpful.

      • Daisy

        Appreciated, Anon.

        I have checked the thread throughout the weekend and greatly appreciate the additional support.

        I’m sorry to report that I didn’t make any sort of decisive, empowered move over the weekend (just a lot of talking and excuses, alternating with pretending things are normal for sanity’s sake) but I am feeling a lot closer to it. I actually found the separate discussion about making new friends in the weekend open thread incredibly useful in trying to imagine my life After.

        Again, thanks everyone for being so wonderful.

  8. You've got to b kidding me

    “he’d describe as obsessive preoccupation with having meaningless sex outside our relationship”

    that’s just called selfish. I can’t believe people think this is an addiction. It’s just a selfish urge. Just leave.

  9. Batgirl

    Threadjack! This is also potentially an idea for a post down the road if anyone finds this interesting…

    There’s a girl that I work with (well, she’s in another office but is regularly who interacting with my team via email) just graduated from law school and is really projecting a negative impression through certain things in her emails. They’re not terrible, but they make her look young and overly (I hate to say this because this shouldn’t be a bad thing but it kind of is in this environment) girly.

    Some examples: (1) She uses exclamation points. A lot. (2) She needlessly inserts personal information/anecdotes into emails that are going to several people, all of whom are senior to her (ex. “Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, I was at a [Insert some well known but maybe not well respected group] meeting–hopefully those will end soon!!!”). (3) She generally is a bit too casual in her emails.

    None of them are terrible enough to mention to her, but it makes me want to take her aside and be like “listen, you’ve gotta chill out on the exclamation points and references to your social life.” But I’m definitely not senior enough to her to do this without looking like a jerk.

    I suppose this is just a descriptive post more than anything, but I wondered if there were other things that people find harmful in emails that I wasn’t aware of–maybe I’m guilty of something and don’t know it. My boss had said to me a while back that women tend to use exclamation marks too much in emails and while it irked me, I’ve noticed that he’s kind of right.

    • Divaliscious11

      So that kind of used to my job at my BigLaw firm, ie… when partners or senior associates wanted to tell the younger lawyer to not do something without appearing to be a jerk – I’d get the “Hey, you should take so&so to lunch….. and mention x, y or z.” I’d have been annoyed except it was usually the partners I knew who really valued female and/or associates of color and didn’t want peripheral “junk” to get in the way of their growth/development.

      So that’s what I’d do, lunch, ask them how things are going etc… In most cases, they add for feedback etc… and I discuss x,y and z then. If not, I couch it in I heard some chatter about x, y and z. You probably don’t want that to be the break room chatter, so you probably should refrain from x. And then offer suggestions of ways to get her point across without resorting to the “stuff”.

    • Arachna

      :( This really seems to be one of those negative side effects of low numbers of women in powerful positions. There is nothing objectively better or worse about using ! in a sentence. (!!! is a little more debatable maybe). But because men use these less often… women have to try to remember to use them less often… doesn’t seem like a good use of time or something that would be true if 50% of people in charge were women.

      • surrounded by lawyers

        Hadn’t thought of it that way, but it makes sense. One period, one exclamation point–in most cases it doesn’t matter.

        I think this argument goes for small-talk conversations as well, in professional groups: sports are always a great way to network or break the ice, but fashion chat is considered frivolous and unprofessional. There is no objective difference in the value of these two topics, yet women are supposed to bone up on local teams, while men would NEVER be expected to maintain a conversation about this season’s color pallette, and indeed might think less of me for even bringing it up.

        • surrounded by lawyers

          Oh, and back to the exclamation points–whenever I use one, it’s because I am trying to seem warm and friendly, which especially as a young woman is often implicitly part of my job. In fact, I’ve been called out for being too serious or not smiling enough. Ya can’t win. (or–“Ya can’t win!”)

          • Batgirl

            Agreed, it’s definitely lose-lose and it’s definitely because men set the standard. Though, I’ve made deliberate attempts to not look overly chipper with too many exclamation points–especially in emails going to lots of people.

          • Jade Moon

            I use exclamation points on occasion when I email my secretary, eg, Thanks! You’re the best!

            Otherwise, never. I really dislike exclamation points and most adverbs because a good verb and otherwise good writing makes such things unnecessary. (Honestly!!!):)

        • govvie

          What I love is when guys talk about a female celebrity’s looks admiringly and it’s no big deal, but when I bring up a male celebrity/sports figure’s looks, I get “I wouldn’t know”s or words to that effect. Maybe it’s to make sure everyone else heard that they don’t check out dudes, I don’t know. But can’t I verbally ogle a famous guy once in a while without a guy inserting that? I’m the one ogling, not my male bud/colleague. Oy.

        • a lawyer

          OMG! (that exclamation point is deliberate) You hit the nail on the head. I cannot tell you the godawful sports, hunting, sports recruiting conversations I have to listen to at our weekly firm lunch, coffee room, etc. If I were to bring up fashion, a woman’s hobby,I hate to think how it would be treated. Goes so far as if we get into a discussion of my love (marathon running), I think it threatens the macho men, and they have been known to say–let’s change subjects. That goes to ego, not necessarily sexism.

          Same goes for websites visited at work–I never look at corporette at work. (I have noticed that I am one of the minority to post after hours.) I frankly do not have the time to visit fun websites at work, but if I did and one of the guys walked in, again, I can imagine. On the other hand, they regularly visit the state University’s sports websites and blogs during office hours.

    • KateL

      Even if you haven’t been asked the way Divaliscious was, extend yourself in a helpful/mentoring capacity. I remember being taught how to write a business letter and extend the general principles to business email, but I think it is not second nature for recent grads.

      My personal email pet peeve is overuse of the “high” importance flag in Outlook.

      • Anonymous

        I had a similar situation in my office. A summer associate sent numerous emails in which she ended her declaratory sentences with a question mark. (Think: “I can have that assignment to you by tomorrow at 3:00?” or “Our deadline is Thursday based on the local rule?”) I discreetly confirmed with my co-workers that she was sending similar communications to them. That was important to me, because as a younger lawyer, I wanted to be sure she didn’t just consider me to be friendly enough and unimportant enough for her casual style to be appropriate. Then, after we met to discuss her assignment, I asked if I could offer her some unsolicited advice – woman to woman. I explained that her seemingly innocent use of question marks instead of periods would not be well-received in a law firm, both because it is grammatically incorrect and because it communicated uncertainty, which is not an image she would want to project as a young, female attorney. I just told her she needed to own her intelligence and confidence and project that at every opportunity. Ask a question if she has a question. Give an answer if she has an answer. She ended up thanking me and I like to think I helped her.

      • Midori

        Oh lord, yes. I have one client who flags EVERY email as “high” importance. Boy who cried wolf.

      • v

        My personal email pet peeve is overuse of the “high” importance flag in Outlook.

        Mine too, though in my office that type of misuse is the domain of the senior partners.

    • You've got to b kidding me

      She sounds like me. I got great reviews. I prefer to be friendly and not give a darn what old, grumps say. I have a make partner who writes emails to the firm in the same way all teh time.

      To each his own. Is her work professional? It seems like you just don’t like her personality (chipper, bubbly, etc.) and to that you have no reason to complain or think it’s wrong. Get over it, leave her alone. Some of us just like to live going through a world full of friendly people and rainbows. If you don’t, so be it. If her work is good and professional then leave her alone.

      Best!
      Me

      • You've got to b kidding me

        Sorry, my wireless mouse stuck and that entire first sentence between a cut & paste disaster of repeatedly just clicking buttons. Sorry!

      • Batgirl

        No, I actually think she’s really nice. I just cringe when I get her emails and my boss will sometimes forward emails from her to me–not sure whether for their substance or to snark on her.

        I’m not going to say anything to her, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt her professionally. It’s not always just about your work–there are a lot of “soft factors” that people judge you for.

        I’m not saying being serious or impersonal all the time, but an email going to several partners and associates shouldn’t say “Sorry! Just got back from a dinner! Hopefully I won’t have to work with that group too much anymore! Seriously getting old! Will look into plaintiff’s standing now!”

    • Marie

      You could also mention that some men might perceive that style as flirting. I did lots of TA’ing in grad school, and some female undergrads would draw a smiley face next to their name when they turned in quizzes, etc. Same girls did that in my class and in others. My reaction: that’s kind of juvenile. Reaction of some guy TA’s I knew, who had the same girls in their class: this girl is coming on to me! What should I do about it?!?! I wonder if *cute* over-use of exclamation marks comes across the same way to some?

      • Lola

        Good point, Marie.*

        I’d recommend Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office. I read it based on recommendations here, and it really emphasizes acting like a strong woman at work rather than a girl.

        (*I’m putting names in my replies now, because when I subscribe to entries, and get a ton of emails, I never know which ones are for me.)

        • Batgirl

          That’s exactly it, Lola! It’s not that acting like a girl is bad because you’re acting female, it’s because you’re acting like a child. Thanks for putting this better than I could.

          • Lola

            And Dr. Lois Frankel put it way better than I could, Batgirl.

            That book has changed my professional life completely.

            And I’m reading her follow-up, Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich, about how messages women receive as children can sabotage our financial independence. They’re awesome and empowering books.

    • Eponine

      My current work environment is collegial and jokey, and all the stuff you mention would be fine in an email. If I moved to a new job and this was not appropriate, I’d definitely want someone to give me a heads up. So just pull her aside and mention it, nicely, especially that your boss doesn’t like exclamation points.

  10. Divaliscious11

    Threadjack-

    Yay! I got an awesome promotion yesterday!!!!! I thought I’d get promoted (have completely been busting my $@#$) but I had no idea the expanse of my work responsibility. Just giddy, but can’t be in the office out of consideration of a couple of co-workers who were impacted in a way they may perceive as negatively.
    but YAY me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • AIMS

      Congrats!!!
      I got an unexpected raise last week and went through the same thing — wanted to shout from the rafters & giggle but knew that would be totally inappropriate. Do something great for yourself! You deserve it :)

      • Law-Less

        I want to share in the celebration – I got an unexpected raise yesterday!!! Woohooo!!!!!!

    • AEK

      Congratulations! Love it when hard work pays off! It’s nice of you to consider your colleagues—I hope you can schedule a celebration with friends or family who can be unabashedly happy for you.

    • kz

      Congrats!

      (I think I’ve been on facebook too long; For a brief second, I thought “why can’t I find the “like” button for this?”)

    • govvie

      Great job! And it’s cool that you are thinking of your colleagues also…exhibits respect and class.

    • AL

      Congrats! Is great when hard work pays off. I just got told I’m doing a great job, but raises aren’t in the picture for another year. Ugh.

  13. btsbsc

    Threadjack –

    After hearing women all over rave about SPANX, I am ready to try a pair. There are so many different styles and cuts that I am not sure which to choose. I would like a pair for tummy and hip control to wear under this dress: http://www.express.com/metallic-one-shoulder-banded-dress-26485-22.pro?user_att_name=Interest&Mpper=3&Mrsavf=SIZE_NAME&Mrsavf=category&Mrsavf=Color&Mpos=6&Mcat=22&Mcatg=category_root&Mcatp=cat_2&user_att_value=Email&Mrsaa=*&Mpg=SEARCH%2BNAV&Mppg=0#jsLink
    btw i bought this dress after a commenter here suggested it for my upcoming vegas trip – thanks!

    • LawyrChk

      I have been favorably impressed with the higher power line, but in the future I won’t be buying any of the “super higher power” products–they are pretty good at slimming hips, thighs, and waist but are NOT good if you’re long-waisted (they continuously need to be tugged on to prevent sliding/rolling down). They do make the clothes look fabulous though.

    • AIMS

      I recently went through this to wear a very tight dress for a wedding. I bought the control slip and the high waisted shorts that basically go up to the bra line.
      My take: the shorts are more slimming and def make your butt look better; the skirt/slip just cant do the same. The slip also has a tendency to ride up, I think, but that may vary style by style. That said, the slip is much better looking — you feel sexy in it as opposed to thinking, “why don’t I just lose 5 lbs and wear this later?”
      The other thing is that the shorts are a pain to take on/off so that’s a factor. Whatever you do just make sure you try everything with your dress to make sure it all works lengthwise.

    • I

      I am a huge proponent of Spanx. I have a lot of their products. I agree with AIMS that the skirt slip has a tendency to ride up, especially if you’re doing a lot of movement, such as dancing. The shorts tend to stay put the best. Under a dress like that, I would do the high waisted shorts (make sure you don’t get ones that are longer than the dress). I think the lower waisted ones might show in the tummy area, but that, of course, depends on your body.
      Another one that I really like is called the “slim cognito,” and it’s basically a build-your-own-bodysuit. It is like a high waisted brief and it comes with little straps that you can hook on any bra. It prevents the rolling down problem LawyrChk cites, but it doesn’t really help the hip area.
      Ultimately, my advice would be to bring the dress with you to a department store, and try different ones on with it and see what works best for you.

    • JessC

      No advice on Spanx (like every other woman I wear shapewear, I’ve just never ponied up for Spanx brand). But I just wanted to say that I love that dress! I bet it’ll look fabulous on the Vegas Strip!

    • Alias Terry

      I love that dress! That is so sexy without being tacky or trashy at all. A rare find.

  14. What to do

    A family friend recently lost his 16 year old son in a tragic accident. Everyone is devastated and heartbroken. Does anyone have any ideas on how best to comfort him and his family? I live across the country from them, so unfortunately I cannot visit them right now. I have spoken with them a few times on the phone and have sent a card (my mom said that their house is overflowing with flowers already). I would love to do something else and was hoping you ladies have some good advice.

    • Batgirl

      Not that this would ever truly provide any relief to what they’re going to, but I imagine that when you’re going through something as devastating as losing a child, even the day to day things are difficult. I think there are companies or services that allow you to send the family dinners for a certain amount of time–maybe a week’s worth of meals? Something that gives them one less thing to worry about? I’m not sure how this works but that’s an idea.

      • What to do

        I think they are pretty covered on the food front. Fortunately, this family friend is part of a wonderful religious community and there has been an outpouring of love and food that will continue for at least the next few weeks if not months.

      • SF Bay Associate

        That’s lovely. Also maybe arranging to get their groceries delivered, working with a neighbor to get their lawn mowed and snow shoveled. Right now, they are just trying to get out of bed in the morning, so it’s just the necessities that they need.

        Maybe you could also do some internet sleuthing and find support groups in their area for parents who have lost children, possibly through their preferred house of worship. I imagine it is too overwhelming for them to look into that now, so it might be nice to have that information already gathered by someone else if/when they are ready for it.

        From what I understand, one of the best things you can do is in the future – send them a card months from now to let them know you’re thinking about them. Send another card on the sad anniversary so they don’t feel as if they are they only people in the world remembering and reliving their loss. Be there in the emotional sense going forward. As with major natural disasters like Haiti or Katrina, everyone is supportive right after it happens, but memories fade with time for all but those most affected, who are left feeling abandoned.

        If you have lawyer/business skills, maybe in the future they will want to set up a scholarship in their son’s name at his school/extracurricular activity. You can help with that, too.

        • somewherecold

          I think it’s a great idea to let them know you’re thinking of them on anniversaries of his death, and I want to add birthdays to that list. Depending on how well you knew the son, you could send them a card to let them know you’re thinking of them and something that he liked on his birthday.

    • u

      I leiu of flowers send a donation to a charity in their sons name. Preferably in something of significance. For example, if he died of cancer, the ACS or hospital he was treated at.

      You can’t do much to console them, but a gift that shows compassion and meaning shows you care and goes a lot farther some random flowers that die within a week and clutter up their home.

    • Bonnie

      Everyone deals with grief differently. Let them know that you’re available to talk or help but try not to call too much. When my mother passed away, it was very hard for me to talk to people and I just wanted to be left alone. I really appreciated the food baskets I received. The last thing on my mind was food and I think the only thing I ate/picked at was food sent to us. The food baskets from FTD and other flower companies tend to be mediocre at best. If they’re in an area serviced by peapod, perhaps you can pick out some things that way. If not, check out Harry and David.

      • Anon

        Great advice. I think the other thing that is very hard when an immediate member of the family passes away is starting new holiday traditions without feeling as if someone is missing, and feeling burdened by sadness. Maybe sending a card now and extending an invite to visit you for one of the holidays (Easter, Thanksgiving, etc), just to get out of their own house, away from having to coordinate the holiday, and away from the previous memories of ‘traditional happier times’.

    • CFM

      I think the most important thing is to keep them in mind long term. I think a lot of people send flowers initially, but sometimes the contact seems to wain, 6months, a year, 5 years down the road. This is something they will have to deal with for the rest of their life. If he was 16, did he have facebook? I ask because when I lost my cousin, many of his friends posted on his facebook wall after he died. His best friend printed out each entry and made of book of them, and gave it to my uncle. It was full of stories and pictures. I don’t know if you’d be the one to do something like that, but its something I think adults don’t think of. my aunt and uncle don’t have facebook, they didn’t know about what was happening until later. A lot of the stories were from childhood friends, people who maybe wouldn’t go to the funeral but had a really positive one time encounter or story to share and it was the info I don’t know if the parents would have gotten otherwise. 16 is young though, I’m not really sure like what age groups use facebook or if it would have the same effect.

      This is for the future but my suggestion would be a scholarship fund. Was there something in particular he loved? A sport, instrument, maybe books? I think maybe starting, along with others and the family, a scholarship foundation, maybe for a student who is pursuing or has loved what the son loved would be thoughtful, and would last years and years. I never have experienced such an awful tragedy, but I did receive a scholarship like this before going to college. It was a one time amount, I think around 500 dollars, but that meant a lot to me and I think it meant a lot to the family to read the applications, and to pick a student each year. And to get to tell the audience each year about their child and about what he meant to them

    • JessC

      I was 22 and just a few months out of college when my mother passed away. She passed away after fighting breast cancer for two years. Though it wasn’t “tragic”, losing someone far earlier than is the natural course of things is always hard.
      When my dad and I were dealing with this, just knowing that there were people we could reach out to talk to was always comforting. We each approached it differently though. For my dad it was very important to stay in contact with his siblings and my mom’s parents (other “grown-ups” who he could talk to about issues particular to losing a spouse). But for me it was very difficult for a long time to talk to people about. What I appreciated the most were my friends and co-workers who treated me normally and didn’t walk on eggshells around me. I think the point I’m trying to make is that everyone handles grief differently. Letting them know you’re their for them and checking in on occassion is important, but let them take the lead as to how often they want to talk and what they want to talk about.
      I don’t know if this is something you can do, but I remember one of the things that my dad and I had some difficulty with was preparing meals and eatting together. It’s not that we didn’t want to eat or forgot, it’s just that we were so emotionally drained that we didn’t want to cook dinner at the end of the day. So we ended up eating out alot. There are food delivery services than can delivery full meals to a person’s door which only require being reheated in the oven or microwave. Just doing a quick Google search, http://www.schwans.com looks like a good option.

    • Elle 2

      My dad passed away when I was young. Here’s a list of things that were especially well-received by my mom, my younger siblings and I:

      – A (large!) group of people chipped in and got us a gift certificate to a nice resort in a nearby vacation town with a sweet card about bonding as a family, staying close, and finding our “new normal”. In addition, it came with a $20 Citgo gift card, $20 to buy ice cream at a local shoppe, and a few small pampering type gifts (e.g. lotions, candles, angel figure, books). Even if you can’t do something this big, a small version will be appreciated – restaurant gift certificates, movie theater gift certificates, other pampering gifts etc…

      – My best friend sends me a gift every year on the annviersary of his death (it’s been 10 years now). Sometimes it’s a bigger gift and sometimes it’s just a bottle of wine and a card. This was indescribably valuable during the first few years – it recognized that simply because the rest of the world moved on, a loss can still hurt very much for close family even years down the road.

      – Homemade scrap books of pictures or memories.

      – I agree with other posters that food gifts and flowers are thoughtful and sweet, but most people get bombarded with these and they can lose significance. Plus, the food gifts are usually the best when their from local people who can actually bring over homecooked food or invite you over to their house.

      – People who did things for us were life savers – cut grass, trimmed bushes, helped with thank you notes, took over carpools. So a gift of services (even if it is a paid service) would be appreciated as they readjust and struggle to get through day-to-day. Perhaps a house cleaning service gift certificate?

      – People set up memorial type things, which were fantastic. Someone set up a memorial fund at a local bank for us kids. Another person organized a local walk in the City and all money raised went to an organization important to my dad. The walk is now an annual event.

    • kz

      I would see if you can get a group of people together to set up some kind of memorial related to the son’s interests. I’ve had several family friends that have lost children in their teens, and these type of memorials were always special. For example, my good friend’s younger brother was in the school band and also played football. When he died, they dedicated the new fieldhouse for the football team to him and also created a new garden in the shape of a music note outside the band room. Another family friend lost two sons in a car accident. They were both very into music and the outdoors. Their friends created a music event with local bands to raise money for a nature trail along the river. This has actually become a hugely popular yearly event in my town and raises a lot of money for an local outdoor foundation. Another family friend was an Eagle Scout, and many people gave money to the Boy Scouts. I think these sorts of lasting memorials help. I’m sure they’ve gotten plenty of food and flowers, but this sort of thing sticks with people.

    • Still Grieving

      I recently lost a brother in his early 20s. My parents were overwhelmed by the amount of support that they received. The food and flowers are nice but I would say that the most meaningful thing is a handwritten note explaining a nice memory you have of the child, even if it is a vague “I will always remember what a happy young man he was.” These have been the things that have meant the most to my family.

      Also, just calling and leaving a message and saying “I know you might not want to talk right now but I want you to know that I’m thinking of you. I’m here if you ever want to talk or just want someone to sit and cry with.” Everyone grieves differently and every death is different. This lets them know that you are there for whatever they need whenever they need.

    • What to do

      Thanks all for the great suggestions. I particularly like the idea of staying in touch regularly (not just now, but in the weeks and months ahead) and getting something for the entire family to enjoy — movie tickets, I think, would go over well. I checked FB and his son is not on there (or if he is, I cannot view his page), but I did friend his sister and I am going to stay in touch with her as well. She’s only 13 and it must be really hard for her too.

      Thanks again.

  15. Anne

    I personally think they run really small…I usually wear a small at Gap or BR and three dots medium is very fitted on me. I often order the large for this reason.

  16. Betsy

    I ordered this skirt after seeing it here, and it arrived in the mail today. The size 0 fits me fine, and I’m usually a 00P or 0P at Ann Taylor (5’2″ 100 lbs).

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