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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
Anyone else a little put off my the child planning post and how it was framed as some sort of inevitability rather than a choice made by grown women with bodily autonomy?
Cat
I didn’t like the original phrasing (“universal question”) as it assumes everyone wants to have children (don’t we get that view enough!?)… but was fine once it was revised to “common” question.
Anon
I’m not normally a big Kat defender, but it wasn’t framed as “inevitable” at all. A reader wrote in with a question about family planning, Kat answered it. Kat referred to it as a “timeless” question but that doesn’t mean it’s something that every woman deals with, just that it’s a question women have struggled with in the past and will continue to struggle with. If you don’t want kids, that’s fine, the post wasn’t for you. Not every post is applicable to every reader. I think you’re way overreacting here.
anon
+1
CountC
+2 I am #foreverchildless by choice and was not offended at all.
In-House in Houston
I’m childless too. Life is too short to be offended by something like this.
Anon
+1
Ellen
I enjoyed reading the posts. But what is the issue anyway? It is a particular issue just for us women, as men do NOT bear children only women. So it is inevitable that ONLY we, as women, have this issue to deal with. While it is true that not every woman will become a mom, we are the ONLY one that can become a mom; therefore, it is purely a women issue. Once you understand this, you will not get so put off just b/c you may elect NOT to have a baby. Personaly, I want a baby ASAP!!! YAY!!
Anon.
I think there is no need to be put off.
Some posts here don’t apply to me, as I’m neither in Big Law nor Big Finance, don’t plan on having any cosmetic procedures done, don’t buy expensive handbags, shoes or clothes, don’t have to pay off large student loans etc.
My solution: Either read to learn about those topics and what people think about it, or simply scroll by… The beauty is that no one has to put themselves into a box.
anon
Exactly. If she only posted about things that were relevant to all readers, what would she post about? Not even all clothes are relevant to all readers because of different budgets and dress codes.
Anon
It wasn’t the topic of the post, but the fact that the post initially said it was a “universal” question. It’s since been changed and reads better, for sure. As someone with fertility issues, the “universal” part was a bit of an “ouch” for me. The post is a little easier to scroll past now.
Cat
Yep, this is what I meant by my comment above. I’m not tremendously offended, just preferred a more thoughtful way of framing the conversation.
Anonymous
Oh come off it.
Anon
Not the Anon above, but that was incredibly rude. Are you the person who needs to eat a muffin? Get the muffin. Enjoy the muffin. Then come back here.
Anon
The word choice of “universal” was a bit misguided, but it is a timeless question.
There aren’t a lot of resources out there for women who want both a career and a family, and younger women can benefit a lot from the life stories of older women (what worked, what didn’t work, the situations that made something feasible, etc).
If you’re asking my thoughts, I think we all benefit from ensuring that ambitious women are able to keep their careers on track: mommy tracking hurts almost all women. Even if a woman is unmarried and happily childfree, employers wonder if she’s going to get married, have kids, and then ditch off, and are reluctant to invest resources into developing her talents.
Anonymous
+1
The original Scarlett
I don’t have kids but this a topic I’ve talked a lot about with women I mentor so I appreciate reading the different perspectives on it.
Anonymous
No I think you’re being a weird pot-stirer with an agenda.
Anonymous
It’s a bit like the ugly h&m vase, if you’re not here for it then scroll away…
Notinstafamous
Any podcast recommendations? Looking for a daily news podcast that gives a general overview of world affairs. Not US focused (I’m sure you’re all lovely but I really cannot handle substantially more election or trump coverage). I already listen to bbc world news and the daily. Bonus points for being available on Spotify or in French, Spanish, or German.
Ribena
I know some people like Best of Today which summarises the BBC’s flagship current affairs radio morning show each day – there was just too much content for me. Some of it would be too parochially British for you, I suspect.
Anonymous
I would check Radio Canada (French) and ORF (Austrian public broadcaster) websites and see what they list under podcasts. I find Radio Canada’s Africa coverage generally good and find ORF includes more east European news that many of the German stations.
Ribena
Oh! I’ve just remembered another which I need to re-subscribe to. Langsam gesprochene Nachrichten, from Deutsche Welle, is a daily global news podcast in slow German. DW have a whole stable of podcasts that might suit.
Anonymous
I really like Deutsche Welle for world coverage. I haven’t tried their podcasts, but their reporting is top notch.
Vicky Austin
Was coming here to recommend this!
anon
I very much like Journal en Francais – Facile from Radio France
It is the 8:00pm French news recap in relatively simple words.
It lasts about 10-15 minutes
Covers news of interest and keeps my French comprehension skills sort of up to speed.
They indicate there is also a transcript to go with if needed.
eertmeert
The Europeans. It’s a Europe overview, sometimes the US pops up but typically not. Recent topics: Greece refugee policy, Africa and decolonization, Irish politics, making and passing EU laws, European monarchies as a thing that still exists, the fight for Romania’s forests.
anon
You said not US focused, so take this one with a grain of salt ;), but I like Up First from NPR for a daily rundown. It does cover politics but not exclusively and the entire show is so short (15 mins?) that it’s just a short overview of everything. It definitely won’t get you a broader worldview on news so if that’s what you’re currently seeking it probably won’t get you there :).
Anonymous
Secrets of women who don’t get sick? I’ve gotten better at sleeping regularly, drinking water, and washing my hands / not touching my face. I still seem to get pretty nasty cold two to three times a year, and I get the flu almost every year. I’m 31, single, no kids, not much time around kids, so I’m trying to find a way to get healthier before any of that changes! I get the flu shot every year and am on no meds. I’m a lawyer and travel quite a bit.
The original Scarlett
I used to get sick all the time when I commuted via public transit, once I Stopped doing that, I stopped getting sick. Not a solution but more of a “if you interact with a lot of people a lot of the time it’s hard to avoid” observation.
Anon
Multivitamin? I started getting sick way less when I started a daily multivitamin.
Anon
Second this! Used to get several colds and other bugs a year and I started taking a women’s multivitamin every day and now I usually only really get sick once a year!
I’ve also gotten very serious about taking it easy, eating well, resting up when I think I’m starting to come down with something. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!
Anon
Multivitamin and lots of Vitamin D.
Housecounsel
I take a prenatal vitamin every day, although I haven’t been pregnant in more than a decade. Maybe it is the placebo effect but I have come to believe this is what keeps me from getting sick.
Anon
+1 when I posed basically OPs question to my doctor she told me to take a Vitamin D supplement.
Anon
I don’t get sick often (one bad, bad cold or something every few years) and credit to my parents’ laid back attitude about germs and dirt as a kid. I mean, we met a basic standard of being able to be out in public, but there was no wiping down every surface, bleaching/disinfecting things, avoiding dirt, and the five second rule was definitely a thing.
I’m not sure there’s a way to build similar immunity as an adult, and I’m sure it wasn’t an intentional thing on my parents’ part… they were just plain worn out and didn’t have time for all that!
Anonymous
Same here.
anon
+1
I have 2 young kids and while we get our share of runny noses, my informal comparison to their peers is that our family has fortunately not suffered from the same level of near-constant illness. Our house is not filthy by any stretch (nor is it sparkling clean), but we only use Purell on rare occasions and intentionally try to use soaps/ cleaning products that are not antibacterial to allow for some degree of “germ” exposure. Of course, I Lysol the counter after raw chicken has been there, etc. But a few of my friends seem to douse their kids in Purell multiple times a day and they miss a lot of school with illness.
Seafinch
Same here. Four kids and we never get sick (ages 9-1). I am super casual about everything except raw poultry and poop (because pinworms means a lot of laundry!). My husband is convinced it is because we cook all our food from scratch and it includes a lot of garlic, onions and veg, high fat, high fibre, high protein. We don’t take vitamins.
Anon
lol yeah sure genetics has absolutely nothing to do with it. This is “smug healthy”
M
I think smug healthy is a pretty funny term. But I almost never get sick (I hope I’m not jinxing myself here) and I’m not overly concerned about germs. I wash my hands and properly, but I mostly rely on my immune system and don’t take vitamins. I eat a mixture of junk food and home cooked meals. I’m overworked and under rested. I don’t think there are any tricks. Wash your hands and don’t touch your face after someone sneezes near you? Get extra sleep and cut back on sugar if you start feeling sick?
NYCer
I tend to agree with this. I also rarely get sick, but am not particularly careful about not touching my face or washing my hands religiously (I am NOT saying it is good to be lackadaisical about those things, I just admit that I kind of am…). I almost never use hand sanitize now, and definitely never used it growing up.
I do go to bed early, eat relatively healthy and exercise regularly, which I think helps as well.
pugsnbourbon
In my anecdata, you build the same kind of immunity as an adult by working with children/the general public for several years. I get sinus infections, but I don’t think I’ve gotten a cold or respiratory infection in the last 18 months at least. Even when I traveled more I didn’t get colds. I do wash my hands frequently, but my sleep isn’t great.
Watch me get the flu now that I’ve posted this!
Anon
+1 my one year as a public school teacher involved a lot of substitute teachers because I think I caught a virus every other week, but I’ve never been as sick since
Anon
I think whether or not you were exposed to daycare germs matters a lot more than whether your parents let you eat food that had been dropped on the floor (which might make you sick to your stomach but wouldn’t give you colds/flu). My husband was in daycare, I wasn’t. Now that our first child is in daycare, I catch everything and he doesn’t. We got sick at about the same frequency before having a kid, so I don’t think my hygiene is way worse than his. I think he just has better immunity to all the little kid illnesses because he had them as a kid.
Anon
Counterpoint: I did not go to daycare and rarely get sick. My kids did not go to daycare and now my oldest is in public school and still doesn’t get sick (was out one time in the fall for a sinus infection). We are also pretty “unhygienic” by this board’s standards – wear shoes in the house and rarely wash our hands (we’re working on it…) Based on our experience, my hypothesis is that if you are protected from illnesses during your first couple years you may ultimately have a stronger and more developed immune system. Of course, both our experiences are just anecdata.
another anon
Things that seem to help me are not just regular hand washing, but in particular washing my hands every time I come home as soon as I walk through the door. Also, shoes off at the door and regular (every couple months) wipedown of things like door knobs, light switches, refrigerator handle. It doesn’t stop everything (I do have school age children, so it is a constant battle), but it seems to cut down on a lot of the sickness.
I travel a bunch for work too and find I have to be careful about what I eat on the road. If I keep up with healthy balanced meals, I do fine. If I indulge in a ton of junk or candy because I’m feeling lonely and/or stressed on the road, it’s a recipe for disaster and I seem much more susceptible to bugs I pick up along the way.
Cookbooks
+1 to all of this. My dad was a big germophobe, and hand washing right after getting home was something he always stressed. And shoes off was a cultural thing, but I think that definitely helps, too.
Anon
As a non-ballerina I will just never be down with shoes off in the house. I trip, I stub toes, I stumble over whatever crap my husband has left lying on the floor again. People who live their indoor lives with bare feet are magical graceful #goals fairies to me.
CountC
Slippers!! I an a no-shoes in the house person, but my slippers live by the front door if they are not in my feet :)
LSC
I think it is just inevitable to get sick at some point. But if you are traveling a lot, consider wiping down your space/tray on the plane. Those tend to be high germ areas.
Anonymous
I suspect it’s your frequent travel that’s causing the problem. As an example, the first few Christmases that I spent with DH’s family in another country, I got sick every single time with the common cold. It decrease after that. DH had the same problem when he initially moved here. There are a number of strains of the common cold and what circulates in each area can vary.
Do you notice any correlation between your travel and getting colds? If you are getting sick 7-10 days after you travel maybe change up your travel practices – e.g. bring lysol wipes to wipe of switch plates, tv remotes etc in the hotel room.
That said, have you been diagnosed with the flu every year even though you got the flu shot? That seems exceptionally unusual (though not impossible – it does not confer 100% protection) and could point to immune system issues.
Anon
The incubation period of the cold is 1-3 days, not 7-10 days…if you get sick 7+ days after travel, you definitely didn’t get the cold while traveling.
Ribena
Multivitamins, lots of veg, and the flu vaccine every year. I’ve also got sick less since I beefed up my gym habit.
Anon.
I take zinc lozenges and high-dose vitamin C immediately when I feel a cold coming. And drink lots and lots of tea. Humidifier at night. All that has helped me ward off colds 3 times this winter.
If you travel a lot, use sani wipes on everything on the airplane: seat (incl. headrest), armrests, tray table, touch screen, remote controls. And don’t put anything in the seat pocket, especially not your phone.
Wipe down your phones, keyboards and desk at least once a week.
NOLA
Oh yeah, elderberry sambucus lozenges and Throat Comfort tea (with Jameson’s at night) are my go-to when I do get a cold.
Anon Probate Atty
+1 . Was going to recommend zinc lozenges. I take them the minute I feel a cold or virus coming on. They don’t taste great and you have to take them with food, but they work. That and Sudafed – the real, behind the pharmacy counter kind, not the fake stuff.
Anonymous
Quit traveling.
Anon
The single biggest thing that’s affected how often I get sick is how much I travel. Despite constant handwashing, not touching my face, healthy eating, doing everything I could to get enough sleep, it didn’t matter. Pretty much every trip I took, I got sick. The last few years, I’ve barely traveled at all, and also haven’t been sick once, which is a major change. I also think some of it is just individual immune systems and physiology. I was sick constantly as a kid, have asthma, and have always been someone who just gets a lot sicker than anyone else I know from simple colds that end up lasting weeks and turn into ear infections, terrible coughs, pneumonia, etc.
NOLA
Despite working with college students who live in residence halls that are like petri dishes and who are constantly sick, I rarely get sick and lately, if I do, it doesn’t last long. I used to have terrible issues with asthma that became clinical when I had a cold. I am on maintenance meds (daily allergy medication and an inhaled steroid) to avoid that and it does work. I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, I drink a Vitaminwater every morning, and I take zinc every day. I have never gotten a flu shot, although I should. I don’t use hand sanitizer but I do wipe down the keyboard and mouse at our front desk computers when I know that someone who is sick has been there. I don’t wipe down my phone, etc, but I don’t necessarily touch people (no need to?) other than my guy.
Housecounsel
My college kids are always sick. I am going to pass on your advice.
anon
And recommend a flu shot. Infections spread like wildfire around dorms, so flu shots (and the meningitis vaccine!) are so important.
For you too NOLA! What’s up with skipping the flu shot?
NOLA
I don’t know! We can get them at work, at student health. I’ve just never done it. My dude got Influenza A this year, despite the flu shot and I didn’t get it, despite being around him.
Anonymous
Sleep and hand washing. I have 3 germy young kids and I almost never catch their garbage (KNOCK ON WOOD). Sleep is huge.
Anonymous
I have kids who went to daycare and feel that my immune system must be great b/c the only thing that ever spread was when one of them got the flu (legit diagnosed flu) and I got a mild case of it (I had had the shot).
Surely I have jinxed myself this time.
Anon
Hand washing really works. If you commute by public transit, wash your hands as soon as you arrive at work and, regardless of how you commute, wash them as soon as you get home.
When I volunteered at a K-12 school in college, I was sick CONSTANTLY. I now volunteer with elementary schoolers and go immediately to the bathroom to wash my hands before leaving the school, and then wash them again as soon I got home. Zero illness so far – and this is my first year in this community and school so I know I’m susceptible to everything.
anne-on
Sounds a bit strange but a woman’s probiotic has really helped, I LOVE Seed and find it helpful. I would also start wiping down surfaces on planes/trains and wearing a light set of gloves (washable ones!) on public transit so you’re not touching surfaces/your face as often.
Vicky Austin
I started taking vitamin D last fall since I live at a high latitude and I think that plus eating leafy greens every day has made a huge difference.
Anon
I think some of it is immune system dependent and out of your control. I’m someone who is always getting sick whereas my dad has literally never been sick in my life.
Anon
Yeah, a lot of it is probably genetics.
Anon
I used to get sick every year until I started exercising very regularly. I currently run about 20 miles a week and have done so consistently for a year. I don’t think its a coincidence that I also did not get sick this year for the first time in my entire life.
Anonymous
Not a runner, but have noticed that when I’m walking outside a lot, I get sick less. Probably related to reducing stress. One of the many benefits of my sweet puppy.
Another anon
I rarely get sick and it usually doesn’t last long. I’ve noticed that years where I’ve been sick more frequently have corresponded to getting less sleep, working out less, and not eating as well. If I’m sleeping enough, getting my heart rate up regularly, and eating lots of vegetables, my immune functions seems to be much better. I am pretty much the opposite of a germaphobe, although I do try to avoid touching my eyes during flu/cold season. I can’t remember the last time I used hand sanitizer.
Are you able to feel cold symptoms coming on? I usually can feel it coming about 48 hours ahead of time, and if I go to bed early, get in a couple light workouts, and drink lots of tea, I can usually avoid getting a full-blown cold.
Anonymous
I am one of those fortunate people who never seem to get sick (knock on wood . . .) Hand washing is huge, I do it as soon as I arrive home or arrive at others’ homes and I really work on avoiding touching my face. I also carry antibacterial handwipes in my purse that I can use when I’m out and about and cant wash my hands easily. Allergy medication is also part of it. I feel like I’m less susceptible to colds and infections if my sinuses are not already inflamed and irritated because of general allergies.
anons
I am really bad about touching my face, cuticle biting, stroking my (non-existent) beard, rubbing my eyes etc. I think it would be great for my skin and for flu season to break the habit. Does anyone have any magic tricks for touching one’s face less?
Anonymous
I don’t have an elaborate makeup routine, but I do wear foundation, blush, mascara, and eyeshadow. the makeup helps dissuade me from touching my face because I don’t want to rub off the makeup or smear the mascara, etc. On weekends when I’m not wearing makeup I find I’m definitely more prone to rubbing my eyes.
anon
Someone suggested a mask the other day, which I can see would help but would be too annoying to tolerate. Same with gloves. I am also bad at touching my face. Simply thinking about it more often (in the past two days since the CDC said it’s important) is helping. I still lean on my hand at my desk but the idle scratches are at least noticed now. Maybe setting some sort of a reminder for a few days? Just so it’s top of mind? I’m sure there are some habit-breaking apps out there that could help.
It also helps that the one time I’ve been sick this season was when my niece (daycare, age 7 mos) sneezed on my hand and I then touched my eye. I noticed that I did it and then decided that was not actually a thing (spoiler: it is). Two days later I had her cold. So at least now I really believe it. I believe in science but the direct, firsthand experience made an impact!
Anonymous
Nutirition
Elle
If you have hayfever/seasonal allergies, getting those under control is a huge help. I used to get several colds/sinus infections and once I got allergy shots that cut down on those immensely. Basically, your sinuses get irritated from the allergies leaving you susceptible to infections.
Otherwise, everything else has been mentioned so I thought I’d throw that out there.
Elegant Giraffe
I rarely get sick. Other than basic hand washing and hygiene stuff that I’m sure you’re already doing, I work in public schools (was sick a lot the first year or two) and I cook almost everything I eat – in other words, I eat a lot of whole foods and certainly more vegetables than the average person.
Ellen
I think you may be like me. I do get sick, but since I have been single and w/o a boyfreind, I am healthier b/c I do sleep better and I do not need all that huffeing and puffeing in my face, right on top of me, b/c that is how you get sick, particularly when your boyfreind’s breathe is so bad, breatheing it right in your face gets me sick just thinking about that. So being single and not haveing s-x every night is healthier b/c I sleep soundly and I do not have to wash my sheets every other day like I used to with him stinking up the bed, and gardening and leaving all of his bodily fluids all over MY side of the bed. FOOEY! I can’t believe I put up with all of that, just so that I could tell people that I had a boyfreind. Trust me, it is just not worth the greif! DOUBEL FOOEY!!!!
anon
Thoughts on decompressing from two weeks back to back of business travel where you are constantly surrounded by smart people and constantly ‘on’. Great meetings and learned alot but I need to be alone and have quiet time for several days. Anyone else experience this?
Notinstafamous
You definitely need to decompress! If you’re like me you also need to not talk to people for a day. Take a day off work and do a day just for you. Maybe go for a long walk/hike outdoors or go to a movie or just read on your couch. Nap. Sort your cutlery. Whatever gives you joy. Call it a sick day. You won’t be productive at work anyways so why force it?
cat socks
Yes. I was just recently on a Monday – Thursday trip and I took Friday off work and spent the weekend decompressing. I don’t travel often and my daily job is pretty solitary so it helped to have a few days just to do nothing. I’m also introverted so I need the quiet time to recharge.
anon
OP here…does this mean I am introverted? I am very independent but have always considered myself social, not shy and not an introvert.
Anon
It’s a huge misconception that introvert is synonymous with “shy” or “socially awkward.” Banish that from your brain immediately! Being an introvert simply means that you do not find it energizing to be around people and that you value alone time.
Cat
+1! Introvert vs. extrovert has nothing to do with being shy or awkward. It’s all about how you refill your energy. I am perfectly happy to be in meetings, interacting with colleagues, speaking up, etc but at the end of the day crave curling up with a book or crossword or movie, chatting with my husband a bit, but we never have Big Conversations at night. If I have an event after work, I feel drained the next day rather than rested and ready to tackle the day.
Anonymous
I don’t think so. I’m an extrovert but even I can run my tank to empty after nonstop work events (not the case for purely social ones that I actually enjoy, like homecoming for my college, etc.). After a week with my SILs and their families, both my husband (his sisters) and I need a week to decompress from that.
Anonymous
A week with family! Dear God.
cat socks
I go with the definition of introversion of what Cat said above above how you refill your energy. I have no problem interacting with people but I really enjoy having time to myself to feel physically and mentally rested.
anon a mouse
Being an introvert doesn’t mean you are shy and don’t like people. It means that the way you recharge your batteries is by being alone.
I’m the same way, and for any work trips longer than 4 days, I have to carve out a little bit of alone time that is not sleeping. I skip the work dinner. I go to the gym. I stay up a little later or get up a little earlier to watch a show and revel in the solitude.
Highly recommend the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. It completely transformed the way I saw myself.
Anon
I’ve been a professional spokeswoman and am an introvert, so…..
anon
OP here….thank you all….this is very interesting and I fit the profile of outgoing and very successful business person that likes to have individual downtime…
Anon
OMG any human being will feel like this after two weeks of business travel where you have to be constantly “on.” It doesn’t mean you’re anything other than normal.
Anon
I just read an interesting blog post about the difference between needing to rest and needing to decompress. When you need to rest, you can nap and catch up on sleep, but when you need to decompress, you should be open to new experiences and things that will help you unwind from work. That could be something like a walk in a beautiful park or a day at the beach or an introduction to rock climbing class. You’ll feel so much more restored after trying something like that then if you default to the slug route on the couch.
anon
Love that….took a 7 mile walk with my son’s dog and that was great. I think this is a good time for a day of skiing….something about being in the big outdoors that helps so much.
Anon
Yes on my work from home day as I often read documents while taking a bath. Being super alone, contained, and cozy really helps me decompress from business of work and family life.
Anon
Yup, that’s a normal human thing.
Anonymous
I have apparently lived through multiple pandemics. I didn’t even know about some of these. West Nile Virus (1999), SARS (2003), Swine Flu (2009), Middle East Respiratory Syndrome (2012), Ebola (2014), Measles (2015). At no point during any of them do I recall feeling even slightly worried or anxious (I’m fortunate to be generally healthy and not high risk).
For some reason with COVID-19 I feel worried and I’m trying to figure out why this feels so different from all the others. Best as I can tell, it is basically like a cold or the flu, which can be deadly in certain populations but is also something we deal with every single winter. I live in a low risk area and people are losing their minds. I heard a report yesterday that people were stealing hand sanitizer and face masks from the public areas of hospitals and clinics. What on earth is going on? Is it social media? Low confidence in the administration? Any other theories on why the anxiety seems so high with this one? Or is appropriate for the anxiety to be so high with this one?
Anon
Social media, low confidence in the administration, greater connectedness, actual deaths are occurring…A lot of people are either high risk or they have family members who are. I am sure the family of nursing home residents in Seattle did not think that this would happen to them and it did.
Anonymous
Ebola wasn’t a pandemic. I live in the US. I in no way “lived through it.”
Anon
As far as I recall, none of the other recent “pandemics” were widespread in the US (except measles, and even that is limited to certain limited areas) and it looks like COVID-19 will be. I know for sure that Ebola was never transmitted in the US, and lots of people wrote it off as something happening somewhere in Africa that they couldn’t identify on a map. Further, the number of people diagnosed with coronavirus is a lot higher than most (all?) of the others. More people have died from coronavirus than had SARS.
Anon
Ebola was transmitted to several health care workers in the US. It wasn’t an epidemic here, but that wasn’t nothing.
Anon
Ebola was transmitted to several health care workers who went to help, but I don’t recall any who got it in the US.
Anon
That is false. There were two cases diagnosed in the U.S. in health care workers who did not go abroad. Do your research.
Pompom
There were also lots of exposures–potential but thankfully failed transmissions–in the US, in healthcare and research settings. It was closer than we thought.
Anon
Swine flu is way less deadly.
Measles has long had a vaccine and almost every adult in the US is immune to it, and I know lots of parents (myself included) who were pretty freaked out for their kids who were too young to be fully vaccinated.
SARS, MERS and Ebola were more deadly but didn’t have much if any local transmission in the US, so the odds of getting them were extremely low if you avoided certain regions of the world.
We haven’t lived through a pandemic where 40-70% of the US is expected to get an illness that will kill 2% of us – that’s 2.6 million deaths on the low end, which far exceeds any previous epidemic in our lives. Now granted, most of those people will be elderly. But it’s still unprecedented except compared to the 1918 Spanish Flu, which we didn’t live through.
Anonymous
Measles has a vaccine but I live where antivaxxers are a thing and that is terrifying.
Avian flu had a shockingly (to me) high death rate but my guess is that it was so lethal that it didn’t become a pandemic. This seems possibly more lethal than the flu (but not >5% now and probably 2%), but we’ll see soon if it kills healthy people or just the old/very young/very sick. I’ve read that in CA there are grave concerns about the large homeless encampments in LA/SF and how it will play out if that population begins getting it.
cbackson
Yeah, and I mean…think about what it means for 2.6 million elderly, ill, or immunocompromised people to die. It really bothers me that a lot of people (not you, Anon) are minimizing the impact of that. We all know people who fall into those categories. I’m not panicking – I used to work in public health on the infectious disease side and I’m pretty good at understanding the risks here – but I’m looking at my 70something parents and wondering if they’ll be okay. Or my neighbor who has had a liver transplant and takes immunosuppressant drugs.
I am hopeful that the spread will not be as aggressive here but this does feel different to me than, say, swine flu (and we had an outbreak of that on my campus with an entire dorm floor of people infected).
Anon
Yeah, I’m worried about my parents too. I also realized yesterday that I take a drug that is technically classified as an immunosuppressent!? I’m 35 and think of myself as totally healthy, I don’t get sick a lot normally or need to take precautions to be out in the world, but I guess that makes me high risk for this?? Kind of scary that I might actually have more like a 10-20% chance of dying instead of 0.2%.
Anon
It really bothers me too. People clearly care less when the old and sick die, perhaps not realizing that many of their friends and family would fall into one of the many high risk categories.
Anonymous
Yes, this bothers me to no end. The message is consistently, “don’t worry, only old people and people with underlying conditions who deserve to die because they have made poor lifestyle choices are at risk for complications or death.” Guess what? I am pretty young and have a very healthy and lifestyle, but I have asthma and even the slightest cold turns into bronchitis or worse. I don’t think that means I deserve to die of coronavirus. The rhetoric reminds me of the prosperity gospel message (people have good luck because they are virtuous and bad luck because they are wicked and deserve to suffer). It is just disgusting.
Anon
+1 we are all one or two degrees of separation from someone elderly or immunocompromised. Even if you aren’t worried about getting the virus yourself because you are young/strong/healthy, it’s still important to do things like stay home when sick, hand wash, etc just to do your part at limiting the spread.
Anonymous
I don’t think that it is callous, but just an acknowledgement that diseases like the flu or pneumonia can be lethal in the old, the sick, and the very young. We expect that (especially re flu). But when a disease can kill off someone who is 20 or 45 and otherwise completely healthy, it is startling to us (more like the plague or smallpox) it is likely to be even worse among more vulnerable populations. So no one wins, but it get the attention of people who are usually indifferent because we are so used to it being Not Us.
Anonymous
Or are THEMSELVES immunocompromised! This is hitting people with hyptertension, lung diseases, diabetes particularly hard. Plus autoimmune diseases. . . something like 8-10% of Americans have autoimmune disease alone.
Anon
Anonymous at 11:20, I do think there’s a callous component to it. We’ve seen it on this board – “omg stop freaking out, healthy people are going to be fine.” People don’t seem to stop to consider that many of us who still hold down jobs and have “normal” lives are dealing with one or more conditions that put us at much greater risk and that no, we might not be fine. That’s not even including the many millions of people who are already facing severe disability from their conditions.
Anon
Where do you see that autoimmune diseases are a risk factor for coronavirus death? People with autoimmune disesases (I have one) aren’t immunocompromised at all. Our immune systems are too strong and attack things they shouldn’t attack, but that doesn’t make us more susceptible to infectious diseases.
I’ve seen numerous articles quoting experts who say that these two facts (1. women get autoimmune diseases at much higher rates than men, 4-5x by some estimates and 2. men are much more susceptible to coronavirus, 2-3 times by some estimates) are correlated. Women overall have stronger immune systems, which makes us both more likely to have autoimmune diseases and less likely to die from coronavirus.
Please don’t spread misinformation.
Anon
Anon at 11:59, many people with autoimmune diseases take steroids or other drugs that suppress the immune system. I think you know this. However, there is indeed a difference between an immune deficiency and an autoimmune disorder.
Anonymous
11:59am – actually, recent evidence suggests autoimmune diseases do have immune deficiency, not just immune overreaction. See here for example. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/237463384_Immunodeficiency_in_Autoimmune_Diseases
I’m the OP of this point and my spouse has a terminal autoimmune disease, so I’m quite acquainted with the science.
Anon
And you don’t necessary know that your friends or family fit in to the high risk groups. I don’t immediately think of my 70 year old parents when I hear elderly. And I have high blood pressure, which puts me at higher risk but everyone would assume that I’m healthy and not at much risk as someone in their 30s.
A Reader
I’m 60. I have a chronic, frequently deadly, lung condition. I know that less than 25% of the group I work with know about my health issues. I manage them, I take 3 specialty (tier 4) medications a day, I practice a healthy life style. I’m sure that many people I know would be very surprised to find this out about me.
anon
I was thinking about what it was like when HIV/AIDS first entered public consciousness, and how now it didn’t even make your list – it went from ‘OMG we’re all gonna die’ to just… nothing. And it still kills something like a million people a year (mostly not in the US, which is why I’m guessing public awareness here is pretty minimal).
Anon
I also read / heard somewhere that US statistics may be much lower than actual number of cases because people in the US don’t necessarily get tested for COVID-19 due to many people not going to the doctor for milder symptoms (due to logistics, cost, health insurance, whatever). Whereas in some other countries like Korea, visits to the local ENT doctors for colds cost $3 with national health insurance and drop-in visits are the norm, so it is much more common to seek diagnosis for a nominal fee or free of charge.
The Seattle outbreak’s genome sequencing data suggested that COVID-19 has been in local transmission in the US for 6 weeks at least — so it may well already be a pandemic in the US, with the a lot of people just recovering with time and the sicker ones not being diagnosed. And I think the possibility of under-diagnoses (the drastically higher mortality rate in the US compared to other countries definitely suggests this, if nothing else) and general lack of confidence in the transparency of the government may be contributing to the chaos.
Anonymous
Agree with this.
I have a feeling that unless you traveled to a known place, you may just assume flu / bad cold and not bother with getting tested. My work is very liberal WFH now due to this and if I were at home I’d likely stay at home (doctors offices = sick people to make me sicker) and just do comfort care. What can they really do for a virus anyway? If I started being in active distress, I’d likely seek out medical care, but usually I’d never go to a doctor unless it lasted longer than 2 weeks, had a long/high fever, etc.
anon
What a thoughtful post. Thanks.
anon
It’s not just not bothering to go to the doctor, it’s that there’s insufficient capacity to test and therefore one can’t be tested merely for showing symptoms.
I live in a US county where at least one person with no travel/known contact with infected individuals has been hospitalized because of Covid-19.
I took a family member to the doctor with symptoms that align with the new virus. Family member tested negative for flu, but it wasn’t possible to get tested for the new virus because family member wasn’t ill enough to qualify and didn’t have travel/contact history. We were advised just to follow normal precautions that you would for any illness.
Z
My very large multi national corporation just issued a business travel restriction to require CEO approval.
I’m a habitual face toucher and actively trying to not do that anymore, and trying to wash my hands more frequently. And here we all have sick time and bosses who are good about people staying home or working from home if they have to. No reason to come in while you’re sick here. Here’s hoping everyone else is more mindful about it.
Anon
I think it’s clear that we need to stop calling anyone on this board who is concerned about COVID-19 crazy. The CDC has already admitted that we are no longer looking at containment but rather management.
I have done what I can do in terms of stocking up non perishables for a potential two week period of being restricted to the house/ not wanting to go out into public spaces.
Right now I’m eyeing my speaking engagement at a conference toward the end of March and wondering whether I really want to get on a plane. So many conferences on the west coast have been cancelled I wonder whether my conference in the southeast will actually happen. I’ve put my co-speaker on notice that if there are widespread warnings about non critical travel by then, I’m out.
anon
I don’t recall any posts where concerned folks were called crazy. However, this may the most reasonable thread we have had so far of the daily threads on the virus.
Anon
They were definitely there in the early days of the virus, which was only a few weeks ago.
Anon
Because people were panicking and canceling travel then, when the virus was still contained in China. No one said it wouldn’t be concerning in the future, just that a virus in China wasn’t a reason to cancel a paid-for trip to Mexico or wherever.
Anon
I’m sure those people infected on the cruise in Mexico are grateful to you for your advice.
Anon
Yeah, there were tons of posts where people piled on to call other people crazy.
Anonymous
I got Swine flu in 2009, it totally sucked. But I don’t think it was deadly like this. I don’t think our government was so completely incompetent, reckless, and spreading false info like it is now.
Anon
And the CDC hadn’t been hollowed out (staffing-wise) in those days either.
Anon
I had it too and it was the worst I’ve ever felt. I didn’t leave my bed for a week. But it has a death rate of 0.2%, much more in line with a bad seasonal flu and much lower than coronavirus.
Anonymous
… and a vaccine became available to high-risk people very quickly.
anon
I also had it in 2009, and it was awful, but for me (young and healthy) it wasn’t worse than the regular flu. I do think that for the young and healthy, that will be the same with this, but for people my parents’ age (70s) it’s way worse, and that’s scary.
Anon
I caught swine flu (H1-N1), and I was so sick for so long that I read the whole Twilight series ;)
Anonymous
haha that is so 2009
Anonymous
Also, when I got swine flu, my large public university of 40,000+ students sent me home to recover (3 hour drive), on a bus full of students…. awesome… I felt so bad but it was not up to me
Telco Lady JD
I also got swine flu in 2009, and I cannot fathom how it is possible to feel worse. (Even though I know it is.)
Pompom
Same. Thanksgiving 2009, just before 3L fall finals. I was miserable.
all about eevee
I also got swine flu and was quarantined in my college dorm room. Good times.
Anonymous
You have never lived through a pandemic in the US unless you lived through the Spanish Flu in 1918.
Anon
The swine flu was definitely a pandemic. Pandemic just means how far and fast a disease spreads. It doesn’t have to be very deadly.
Anonymous
What even if this nonsense. You didn’t live through an Ebola pandemic.
Anonanonanon
Death rate for seasonal influenza is around 0.1%. For COVID-19 it is looking like 2%. Simply put, if you were told the plane you were about to get on had a 1 in 50 chance of crashing, would you get on it? probably not. So worrying about catching it is normal.
Of course it’s been established that some groups are more high-risk than others and I’m over-simplifying, but it is not the same as the seasonal flu.
If it’s any reassurance, this is primarily handled at the state and local level. The CDC sets guidance, but tracing the contacts of infected individuals, making local recommendations on closing schools and canceling gatherings, most Isolation and Quarantine law, and of course treating those who are ill is done at the state and local level.
anon
Agh! Lost my long reply. Listen to The Daily from Feb. 27–The Coronavirus Goes Global. ALL the information. It’s long but very worth the listen.
Anonymous
Last week, my slightly cranky but very bright staffer who has been handling the same area for 15 years said she wanted a transfer.
Fine. I know she’s been pushing for a promotion and has been passed over for Reasons. I’ve been supportive of her interviewing elsewhere and would move on if I were in her shoes too. No promotion I can give her and I’m not sure I would want to as the next level has supervision I don’t know she would handle well (or at all).
I walked in early this morning and she’s demanding where her transfer is. Like… WOAH DUDE. These things take time.
Also, was reminded that (fully intentional) knowledge hoarding suuuucks. Especially when they withhold information when you try to get them to cross train someone.
Anon
So you have a senior staffer that hasn’t been promoted in 15 years wanting a transfer because her manager can’t or doesn’t want to promote her and is in fact supporting her to find another job and you’re surprised she’s cranky? Have you provided her any information on whether a transfer is possible and potential timeline?
Anon
Rightly or wrongly, you seem to have a pretty bad attitude about this person. It’s probably better for both of you if she moves on. Try to be gracious about it.
Anonymous
You’re right, I definitely had a bad taste in my mouth when I wrote this.
Fortunately, I was nothing but patient and professional with them directly.
Anonymous
Find out what is triggering the urgency. With 15 years without movement, it’s unlikely this is something in a vacuum where she’s just suddenly unhappy. She may be weighing other options but hoping she doesn’t have to leave the organization. Do you want her to stay? If she is bright and has institutional knowledge, I’d be trying to work with that and either find out what is making this so urgent at the moment and/or give a timeline if you can on the transfer process so she can start helping the organization elsewhere (and make for a smoother transition in your own department). You’ve had 15 years to cross train and establish documentation around processes, schedules and status protocols, etc. That isn’t just a her “information hoarding” problem but a management problem. I’d take this as a cue that those systems need to be created more broadly.
Airplane.
Yep, this is a management problem. 15 years and you haven’t developed processes for cross training to document institutional knowledge? and you haven’t developed her to be able to handle supervisory duties so she can get that promotion?
Anonymous
I agree, this person has been poorly managed and my biggest struggle in taking over this team is getting people to share information.
…don’t you love when you were hired to clean up decade old messes.
Jabot
Now I know something about which soap opera Elizabeth definitely doesn’t watch.
Anonymous
I learned that word from reading about RBG!
Anonymous
I learned that word from reading about RBG!
Anon
I’ve only ever heard that word in the context of RBG.
Anonymous
I didn’t realize they still made soap operas. Are those on that large box in the living room that is connected to something called “cable”?
Anon
I would totally buy this blouse with or without the jabot (a term I know from vintage crochet patterns but don’t know how to pronounce, and am also aware RBG wears lace jabots) if it weren’t white. This would be ruined in an instant on me.
pugsnbourbon
I know the term from the Laura Ingalls Wilder books – pretty sure Nellie wore a jabot at one point.
Anonymous
OMG no one on here watches The Young and The Restless
Anon
Swine flu is way less deadly.
Measles has long had a vaccine and almost every adult in the US is immune to it, and I know lots of parents (myself included) who were pretty freaked out for their kids who were too young to be fully vaccinated.
SARS, MERS and Ebola were more deadly but didn’t have much if any local transmission in the US, so the odds of getting them were extremely low if you avoided certain regions of the world.
We haven’t lived through a pandemic where 40-70% of the US is expected to get an illness that will kill 2% of us – that’s 2.6 million deaths on the low end, which far exceeds any previous epidemic in our lives. Now granted, most of those people will be elderly. But it’s still unprecedented except compared to the 1918 Spanish Flu, which we didn’t live through.
Anon
Gearing up for what will likely be a crazy time at work (work for a city government agency in a major city that will be tasked with the coronavirus response, should things escalate).
How do you prep ahead of time for crazy busy work periods? What do you do during the busy period to maintain your sanity?
Several months ago I was involved in a response that involved 90 hour weeks and it just crushed me. Hoping to be better prepared this go round.
Anonymous
Do all your laundry. Have healthy frozen meals on hand. Make sure all your bills are set up to be paid. Have someone on call to pick up your kids and walk your dog and water your plants.
Drink lots of water. Stock up on fruits and veggies as snacks (cut and prep) and have in the office fridge. Stock a mini pharmacy at work.
Anon.
Put meals or chopped veggies in your freezer, so that you only have to throw them into a pot to make soup or stir fry. Stock up on things so you don’t have to do many grocery runs .
Do all your laundry and cleaning now so you can keep chores to a minimum.
Try to sleep as much as possible, and to include exercise whenever you can (I love the 7 min HIIT workout from Down Dog app for this).
Anonymous
Do you post litigation victories on LinkedIn? I just got an opinion on the first trial I ever first chaired – the judge ruled in my client’s favor on all counts. I haven’t written a summary or anything about it yet, but I wonder if it’s ok to post the opinion (which is public) on LinkedIn?
Housecounsel
I see these, pay close attention and happily post my congratulations (and I manage litigation so I have a lot of cases to assign). Yes, you should post!
Anon
Definitely!
Anonymous
I 100% would!
Anonymous
Looks super silly to me when I see this.
Anon Probate Atty
I never go to Linked In, so IDK, but I wanted to offer congrats!
DoesntBelongHere
Recommendations for makeup that stays on your face? I don’t understand how lots of people wear makeup for 8+ hours and it still looks good. After 3 hours my foundation is always gone; blush usually stays better than anything else. I’ve tried primer/no primer, setting spray, setting powder. I have oily skin but surely there is help out there. Help!
NY CPA
I also have oily skin/hair and tend to sweat a lot (esp. my head / forehead which is frustrating for makeup purposes).
I just bought the Estee Lauder Double-Wear foundation last month, and so far, I’ve been really impressed with it’s staying power. I put some on and went to the gym as a test and while it wasn’t all there when I finished, I was surprised how much was.
For eyeliner, I like both my Chanel stylo yeux waterproof and my L’oreal infallible (although the Chanel is much easier to apply a thin line with).
Haven’t yet found an eyebrow pencil or other solution that lasts yet, so if anyone has ideas, would love to hear them.
pugsnbourbon
Covergirl has an “active” line (red and black tube) that has good staying power on my super-oily skin. I also use primer (Almay, purple and green pump bottle).
anonymous
Are you unconsciously touching your face? I realize I have a tendency to rest my head on my hand and that causes my makeup to disappear more quickly. I use blotting paper and MAC pressed blot powder to refresh my makeup during the day.
For eye shadow, I use a primer like Milani or Too Faced Shadow insurance.
I like the YouTube channel Samantha Jane for foundation reviews for oily skin. I think she has a whole playlist of reviews.
JTM
Check out Jackie Aina on YT, she has a video all about getting your makeup to stay all day. Basically it’s primer, then set with powder, then foundation and set that with powder. Use a sponge, not a brush for your powder to really soak up the oil. Then setting spray at the end. I’ve done this method several times and it totally works.
Anonymous
NYX and Morphe both have good sprays for this.
Anon
Use a BB cream that contains sunscreen and skip anything before it. ie apply directly to clean skin
PNW
Dr. Jart+ V7 priming moisturizer. It has a bit of a scent (reminds me of patchouli) but is the only thing I have found that keeps me from shining and looking slippery by 11 a.m. My makeup goes on nicely over it, too.
Anony
I’ve had really good luck with Jouer Essential High Coverage Creme foundation and NARS Smooth & Protect primer.
Anon
Bare Minerals is great for oily skin.
Eyeliner rec
Chanel waterproof eyeliner stays on all day – I highly recommend it! I always used to wonder why my eyeliner was off at the end of the work day. Now mine stays on all day & into night. “Stylo yeux waterproof long-lasting eyeliner.” I love cassis (deep purple) – it’s subtle (does not scream purple – it’s more like a dark neutral that is not as warm as brown nor as bold as black) and works well with my fair skin and medium brown hair.
Piper Dreamer
I know this has been asked and answered but in light of the new cases propping up, would you travel during spring break? My husband, our 2.5 years old son and I have booked a long weekend to LA in 10 days. We will be staying with his parents and will be avoiding crowded places. However, we have tickets to a Lakers game and the flights are not short either. Would you still go if you were me?
anon8
Yeah, I’d still go. I have a week long trip planned to Jamaica at the end of April and I’m not planning to cancel unless there are some serious concerns. Link to follow for a video from a flight attendant about travel tips.
anon8
Coronavirus Travel Tips || Ask A Flight Attendant
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdAeZH2Atd0
Anon
I would still go.
Anonymous
I would go. Only change I would make is to avoid taking toddler into too many public places – little kids touch everything and put their hands in their mouths all the time. So I’d avoid the Lakers game with him – can the grandparents watch him while you go?
Housecounsel
I was planning a trip to Italy over spring break. We were flying into Naples, not the virus-heavy areas to the north. But I think I have to cancel, don’t I?
Cat
My main question would be — even if you’re not worried about the disease itself, will the things you want to see be open?
Anonymous
Are you flying direct into Naples from the states? I go to Italy most years but skipping this year because usually we’re in the north. I’d be fine with flying direct from the states into Naples but once there I’d be more cautious. If you’re renting an Air BnB in the countryside and relaxing/visiting small towns, probably fine. I’d avoid crowded hotels or major historic sites with lots of people congregated.
pugsnbourbon
https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/travelers/index.html
The CDC has upgraded Italy’s travel health notice to Level 3 – avoid non-essential travel. That doesn’t mean you have to cancel, of course, but there are precautions you should take if you do go.
Anon
Will you be able to get back into the US? I thought Trump had put restrictions in place about travel to Italy. I would not be worried about catching the virus (assuming you’re not going to Milan) but I would be worried about getting stuck in Italy. And yes ha ha “getting stuck in Italy is a dream” as someone said the other day…but not really if you have a job you need to get back to and kids that need to go to school.
Housecounsel
That’s what I am worried about – not getting sick, but getting quarantined.
Anon
Similarly, would your company let you come back into the office after? Mine would not as of now, but I don’t know when your Spring Break is or when that will change. If not, can you effectively work from home/how big of a deal is that to you?
anon8
This is what the CDC has to say. I might avoid Italy. And my work has said that if anyone returns to the US from one of the countries with sustained transmission they need to self quarantine for two weeks at home. I feel like Italy is enough of a risk to cancel.
https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/travelers/index.html
generally not an alarmist
yes
Anonymous
I cancelled my trip. Was very surprised how many people here said “Go for it!” “My dream is to get stuck in Italy”. etc… Italy will always be there. Why go under the worst circumstances.
Mrs. Jones
yes definitely. Not because of possible transmission but because of possible quarantine.
EuroMover
I’d say yes, safer to cancel.
In Europe things are changing rapidly. I live in Germany and our grocery stores look like people are prepping for a zombie apocalypse. My friend’s babysitter (italian) cancelled her trip home and another neighbour cancelled a birthday part this weekend because half of her mother’s french town got diagnosed 2 days after she flew over.
As someone else said, the major concern isnt catching the virus but just the ability to travel back
Anon
I’m flying in two weeks, but only because I’m going to a rural area for skiing (outside all day). I’m nervous about being in the airport, though. I’m also nervous about going to Disneyland in April.
Anonymous
We cannot keep doing this multiple times a day
Anonymous
See the collapse bar? You can easily skip content you don’t like rather than trying to police others. I do this with a lot of content I don’t like, whether it’s child rearing challenges or infertility frustrations or political discussions. You don’t get to dictate what is suitable conversation or its frequency.
pugsnbourbon
Have you noticed the text at the top of the comments that says “collapse/expand all threaded comments”? Just might change your life.
Anon
We can, because it’s a highly fluid situation. I’m in the Greater Boston area. Apparently a chaperone on the Rhode Island school trip where a bunch of people got it lives 0.5 miles from my home in Norfolk County (which is no less than 50 minutes away from said school – how this person chaperoned/had a connection to this school is beyond me). In the last 2 hours, this got very personal. Unfortunately, it’s going to take continued spreading for people, like me, who last week dismissed it with “guys, isn’t it just the flu??” to start paying attention.
Feel free to scroll on by.
Walnut
I don’t know…people are dying in my town and our first responders are becoming symptomatic. Not a great time for your house to start on fire in the Seattle suburbs.
Seventh Sister
LA seems pretty normal – I mean, maybe large public spaces are a bit less crowded than usual, but I haven’t noticed any changes in traffic or bare grocery shelves or whatever. I’d hate to eat the money on flights and it sounds like a nice trip!
Anon
My Trader Joe’s sold out of toilet paper and bottled water on Monday. I was shocked. Los Angeles, major suburb.
anon a mouse
All this hand washing is wreaking havoc on my hands — they feel like sandpaper and I’m concerned I’m about to have split skin at a couple knuckles.
My normal L’occitane and TJ hand creams aren’t keeping up. Hit me with your best heavy duty hand creams please!
Anonymous
Kiehls has a heavy duty hand cream. Burt’s Bees Hand Repair isn’t bad either, but it takes a few seconds to absorb.
Clementine
The best thing I’ve done is to get cotton gloves (you can get them at a drug store) and coat my hands in a heavy cream (even Aquaphor) at night while you sleep.
It really works wonders. During the day, I also use a hand cream and avoid hand sanitizer.
Anonymous
+1 to Aquaphor. I also sometimes just rub it on the backs of my hands during the day when I don’t want my palms to get all goopy (put some on the back of one hand and just rub the backs of your hands together). I used to work in healthcare and my hands would literally crack and bleed and this was the only thing that helped.
Anonymous
If you are already going the cotton-gloves route, try lanolin (the purple tube nursing mom stuff). Seriously, it promotes moist healing and is super duper non irritating. I use it for lots of things and my youngest is 5, LOL.
Belle Boyd
Gold Bond Ultimate Healing hand cream. I swear by this stuff. My hands dry and crack to the point of bleeding the moment the weather turns cold every single winter. This is the only remedy I’ve found that actually works, and it lasts through hand washing, although it doesn’t hurt to reapply.
LifeScienceMBA
Neutrogena helps me, or one of those fisherman’s handcreams (forgot the name).
Never too many shoes...
Body Shop Hemp. Also, if you can stand it, thick layer of vaseline at night and then socks on your hands to sleep.
cat socks
I like the Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Fast Absorbing hand cream. I also apply cuticle oil and rub a little on my hands as well.
Anonymous
No first hand experience, but I’ve heard nurses (who wash their hands 10000x/day) like this one
anon
Working hands
Anon
O’Keefes working hands!
Mrs. Jones
This is by far the best one
Go for it
Provon Hand & body. Every time I wash my hands & also when dealing with piles of paper all day.
At home I use Moon Valley Organics lotion bar.
busybee
At home I use olive oil! I rub it in so it’s not greasy.
Anon
Can’t beat Aquaphor for truly dry skin.
Anon
I like the Gold Bond cream mentioned and also Working Hands.
If you have thickened dry skin you may need a cream with lactic acid (such as Amlactin) and also a cream. Creams keep in moisture but there needs to be moisture there to keep in.
Also, if it doesn’t clear up it could be eczema. There is a new non-steroid prescription cream and is great for hand eczema called Eucrisa.
anon a mouse
Thanks all! I picked up Working Hands and Neutrogena over lunch, hopefully they will work soon!
Anon
Glycerin is a good ingredient to look for.
anon
Plain CeraVe all over my house in a pump bottle so it’s quick. This is not new to me. :) I can’t wash my hands without putting lotion on after.
Anon
Another coronavirus travel question… My husband was supposed to have a conference next month in Europe (not Italy), and we bought plane tickets out of personal funds for me and our kid to accompany him. Now the conference is cancelled. His plane ticket and the non-refundable hotel won’t be reimbursed by his employer, since he isn’t attending the conference. We can’t get a full refund on our flights or hotels since the CDC has not put any warnings in place for this country. So I only see two options: 1) Take the trip as a family vacation, paying for the entire cost out of pocket or 2) eat the hotel costs and the change fees on the plane tickets. I know this is a first world problem, but I feel like we’re between a rock and a hard place. We can afford number 1, but we would never spend this much on a family vacation – the plane tickets were expensive and we only bought such expensive tickets because we were locked into specific dates for DH’s conference and one of the three plane tickets was supposed to be free. At the same time, I feel like #2 will be almost as expensive (when you add the costs of all the change fees) as just taking the trip, and we won’t get the benefit of taking the trip. WWYD?
Anonymous
“His plane ticket and the non-refundable hotel won’t be reimbursed by his employer” – this is awful!
I’d be hesitant about Europe right now. I think it very much depends on where you are going and what you are doing when you are there. We are still planning on visiting family in May but paying more for a direct flight and hanging out mostly with DH’s family in a rural town vs doing sightseeing in a big city.
Can you get the hotel to allow you to change your dates and go later in the summer when the corona virus situation is hopefully better after cold/flu season?
Anonymous
Are you saying that his company wants him to pay out of pocket for his flight and hotel because the conference was cancelled? That seems wrong. When my business travel is cancelled, I cancel the flight and hold onto the credit to apply to my next business trip. My employer covers the change fee. It also covers nonrefundable deposits. If you cancel the trip, you should only be on the hook for the change fees on your ticket and your child’s.
Z
That’s weird to me that his company wouldn’t refund his plane ticket and hotel, he was going for a work trip and now it was cancelled for reasons beyond his control.
Anon
I wonder if she might mean, if he chooses to still go on this trip his portion of the trip will no longer be paid for like it would have been before? But I’m assuming if they all chose not to go anymore he wouldn’t personally be on the hook for specifically his plane/hotel (the change fees would be for her and the kids)? Unless booking the nonrefundable hotel was outside of normal co policy, which they were willing to overlook if he went on the trip but now that he’s not are maybe not willing to shell out for?
cbackson
First, it really sucks that his employer isn’t reimbursing him for the travel costs given the cancellation of the conference. That seems pretty crappy given that the cancellation isn’t his fault (and they would have reimbursed if the conference had happened).
Personally, if it’s close to a wash between 1 and 2, I’d do 1 so it’s not just money down the drain. I’m guessing you’ve already checked on what the airline changes fees would be, but if you haven’t, I’d advise calling. FWIW I just had to cancel a trip to Europe this morning because my company has prohibited nonessential travel, and Delta waived the change fees so I’m keeping the full ticket value (I’m platinum, though, which may have helped).
Good luck and I’m sorry you’re in this situation…
Anon
I would not do 1), travel to Italy with kids right now in order to avoid cancellation fees. I would definitely cancel the airline tickets and pay the change fee for future travel, and keep working with husband’s employer to reimburse lost hotel costs, as this is out of his control.
Anon
It’s not Italy. It’s a European country that has fewer coronavirus cases than the US.
EuroMover
Would you be willing to share what country?
MWC and TBD were both cancelled and while both spain and germany have fewer cases, i kn germany atleast has a rapidly increasing rate of new cases being reported.
Anon
He should 100% be fighting this with his employer. They should handle all costs associated with business travel, including cancellation costs.
anonshmanon
I’m really sorry, and can only offer commiseration. In academia, it’s completely the norm that employees pay for business travel upfront to get reimbursed (great for inclusion to only give those professional development opportunities to those who can give a $2000 loan to the employer for a few months). Often, they want to see a certificate of attendance from the conference organizers before you get reimbursed. I think some of it has to do with accountability of using taxpayers’ money responsibly.
Well, the world’s largest physics meeting was supposed to happen this week in Denver, and was only called off on Sunday morning, when many attendees were already there or on their way. Even if they refund the conference fee, it is not clear whether institutions will help their staff out with non-refundable flights and hotels. I remember the last time I tried to convince my admin to book a refundable flight for Reasons, I was told that we never book refundable flights, period.
Unfortunately, I see a lot of employees eating such costs in the next months. Hopefully, this will empower them to push back more on this whole system. Business expenses should be covered entirely by the employer, not via a months-long interest free loan from staff.
Professor
Yeah, this is an “accountability” thing in academia, making sure your tax dollars are spent wisely (federal grants pay for most conference travel, not university funds), but in reality it serves as one more barrier for anyone who’s not already wealthy to entering science. These policies even apply to grad students and postdocs making very low salaries who have to pay thousands of dollars upfront and then wait months to get reimbursed. When I was a postdoc, I got really sick and couldn’t go to a meeting, and was left with the bill myself, though luckily the hotel could be cancelled, the meeting was on the cheaper side, and that was back when airline change fees were only $100 so I could still use the rest for personal travel, but it was still pretty lousy to be out ~$400.
Anon
Yes, it’s academia. Thanks for the commiseration. We actually liked booking all his business travel on our own cards for the rewards points, but we may rethink that now.
Cat
Are you the same OP from Ask A Manager this week? Very similar hypo at #5 in this post — https://www.askamanager.org/2020/03/im-applying-for-a-job-with-my-sister-my-colleagues-pretend-to-shoot-themselves-and-more.html
Anon
Nope! Guess two of us have the same issue.
Cat
Wonder if it’s the same conference! Hopefully you get some good suggestions from the comments. What a cr@ppy situation.
Anon
Ignoring the potential Coronavirus risk, I’ll respond to this point: “We can afford number 1, but we would never spend this much on a family vacation.” We took our son to Italy last year (thankfully pre-Coronavirus). It was not cheap and everyone said we were insane for taking our son but it was the best trip of my life, including the European honeymoon my husband and I took pre-kid. It’s been 6 months and I still look at pictures and think about how amazing that trip was and how happy I am that we took our son. Don’t get me wrong, there were really rough parts, but it was 100% worth the effort and the cost. Even if you wouldn’t have intentionally spent this on a vacation, if you decide to go with #1 you may later decide the experience was worth the expense.
Anon
Oh I totally agree that travel with kids is very rewarding! But when we go to Europe our plane tickets are normally $700-900 per person. These were $1800 each. It was a lot of money for us even when we thought one of the tickets would be reimbursed.
Curly Hair help
I use curls rock and let my hair air dry but my curls are a tighter ringlet than I would like. Trying to figure out if there is an option to keep air drying but make the curl size larger/more relaxed. Velco curlers seems like they would just frizz my hair or get stuck. Hot rollers are for dry hair. Is there some kind of curl device I can use in my hair to make the curl size larger while it air dries?
Belle Boyd
I’m a curly girl, too, and I’ve noticed that some of these products for curly hair actually intensify my curls and make them tighter (especially when my hair is cut shorter and shrinks up more when it dries.) I have been using Marc Anthony Strictly Curls Curly Envy curl cream and it seems to keep my curls from tightening up, but I also dry my hair, too, so that may make a difference. I’d try experimenting with different products, ask your stylist what products might work better, and concentrating the product more at the ends for weight. I know we’re always told to keep our hands off our curls while they’re air-drying to reduce frizz, but maybe pulling your curls a little straighter while your hair is damp might help, too.
Anon
I’ve recommended that product here! Did you get it from here or did you find it on your own? I love its lemon pie scent :)
Belle Boyd
I found it on my own when another product I was using — something my sister found for me at a professional beauty supply store — was discontinued and I had to go through all the trial and error in finding something that was similar. Ended up I liked the Marc Anthony product better and absolutely LOVE how amazing it smells!
Anon
You can’t fight your natural curl pattern. Either embrace it with air drying or actively recurl it to your desired state. There really isn’t much in between.
You might get some mild help by using “curl elongating” products or heavier hair products that will weight it down, but then you’ll lose volume and it won’t really work if your hair is curly but fine.
Anonymous
My hair is curl but fine so the heavier products don’t work. I hoping there’s something out there that allows me to ‘actively recurl’ it will it air drys – similar to how hot rollers would work after it’s dry. That way I would still get the no-heat benefits of air dry in terms of hair condition but also have a looser curl pattern than naturally achieved.
Anon
Could you use another air dry curling method, like rag curls? Or just sort of shape the curls with your fingers when you add the product?
anon
I don’t know how to say this, exactly, but if you’ve risen the ranks in your organization — do you ever feel like the work you do feels less “real” than it did earlier in your career? I’ve been a team director with supervisory responsibilities for about two years now. I’m solidly in the middle of my career. For the most part, I like the work fine, although management was a bigger transition than I ever anticipated. But now it’s very much my job to get work done through others, to attend a lot more meetings, to do more of the so-called “big picture” work. I have to think about problems differently. While I have a lot of autonomy in some ways, it also feels like pressure. Sometimes it all feels like … bullsh!t, and ultimately not as valuable as what I did as team player. Maybe it’s being more exposed to the politics and weird personalities that happen at the higher level. Maybe it’s that it’s harder to nail down what productivity looks like at this level. It’s weird. I don’t think it’s imposter syndrome, exactly. It’s more of an existential “what the heck is all this for?” type of feeling. Whatever it is, sometimes when I come home, I am so relieved to set aside my armor and just be myself, rather than the hyper-professional I feel like I have to be at work. I have a good work ethic, but I no longer consider myself crazy ambitious or driven — maybe that’s where the disconnect is at. Being the young up-and-comer was a lot more fun and gratifying, honestly.
AnonTechie
yes yes yes. And i haven’t even risen that much. I subscribe to the premise of the book bullsh!t jobs.
The upside of this is that (a) It allows me to be pretty mercenary. I mean if 80% of the companies/roles are pointless, lemme atleast get paid well (b) it means i dont get too stressed at work.
Anonymous
Yes. I struggled with this a lot earlier on, and still do now. I miss the “doing” of work.
Anon
Yup, not just you. I feel this too, and you articulated it really well.
Anon100
Yes, and some days I struggle with the feeling a lot. It feels weird that I’m getting paid more to think, in a way. As a grunt, I got paid little but produced deliverables (data tables, reports) that could mark my productivity. Now I manage the projects and review the deliverables and it just feels less productive.
Monday
Thanks for posting this. I recently got denied a promotion, and while I was very disappointed I was a little relieved that I can continue as a direct contributor. Then I got some additional responsibilities and a major raise, and in the end I’m thinking this may be the best outcome after all.
Anon
Hmm, when I was in my 20s I felt like people like you were exactly as you perceive yourself. Guess I was not wrong, even at that naïve age…Life is something else…
anon
People like me? What do you mean, exactly?
Anon
Not the OP but this comment sounds super judgy and also nonsensical. What is your point, and how is it helpful?
Anonymous
Good morning friends! I know this board likes Biden. In my eyes Biden is Hillary2.0. I don’t say that in a derogatory way, I voted enthusiastically for Hillary. But I say that as in she was a Obama “status quo” moderate dem, who lost to Trump. Tell me what you like about him? (And if you think he has more minority support, I’d gently point out Hillary won SC by a much larger margin than Biden did). Not trying to flame, genuinely curious if I should consider him instead of Warren/Sanders (who I genuinely believe can beat Trump).
Anon
I’m for Warren/Sanders, but I’ve gotten the impression that people like Biden as the “safe” choice who can theoretically appeal to many. However, I would argue that if that were true, he’d have won every primary so far in a landslide and/or have won the nomination in 2016. I just don’t really see the evidence for him going far (and there’s little evidence for moderate Democrats winning elections in recent years), although I will certainly do everything I can to get him elected if he’s the nominee.
Anon
Biden didn’t run in 2016 but Bernie did and lost, so your argument contradicts itself.
Anonymous
True, but Bernie is running now and winning. I guess we’ll see what happens today.
Anon
Ugh, chalk that up to a brain lapse. I do think that that Bernie faced significant institutional bias from the DNC and superdelegates (and frankly, it’s dishonest to say otherwise – the written and spoken evidence from the superdelegates shows a clear and open bias towards Hillary), although I don’t agree with some Bernie supporters who think it’s the ONLY reason he didn’t win. I’m hoping that the last four years, the number of excited youth who are now 18, and the extreme POTUS we face now will inject a little more energy and longevity into his candidacy. Warren is my top choice though.
Anon
Huh? Hillary won pledged delegates and then Bernie tried to get the superdelegates to hand the election to him (after spending months accusing Hillary of doing this). I don’t think it’s a secret that the DNC and the Democratic establishment preferred Hillary (and now prefer Biden) but having a preference isn’t stealing an election, and when you say the superdelegates played a big role in the election you sound completely uninformed.
Anonymous
I’m a bernie supporter but I agree with Anon @ 11:55.
Anon
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jun/11/democrat-primary-elections-need-reform
Please don’t be obtuse.
Anon
This link is outdated. The primary rules were changed due to Sanders’ complaints, he was fully part of the change process and approved all changes, and is now whining again about the rules. So who is being obtuse here?
The fact is, lots of us aren’t Bernie voters and delegate counts reflect our votes. They weren’t stolen from him.
Anon
The fact that the rules have changed does not negate the fact that the 2016 process was fatally flawed. It’s pretty rich for HRC supporters to place all the blame on Sanders for not endorsing her fast enough, complaining too much, etc., instead of EVER truly acknowledging the complaints and concerns about the democratic process that he and his supporters raised. You want to win this time? Don’t resort to dirty tricks to advance your preferred candidate and then be pissed when his or her supporters don’t come running happily to your campaign. We all want to get Trump out so let’s actually work together and not let the DNC engineer a contested convention unless it’s actually indicated. It will tear the left apart.
anon
12:35 Anon,
Can you please just acknowledge that Hillary won the pledged delegates in 2016 and then Bernie tried to get super delegates to his side. It’s been widely reported and It’s a fact
Anon
It’s a fact that Hillary won the majority of the pledged delegates in 2016, as well as a majority of the states and the overall popular vote: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Results_of_the_2016_Democratic_Party_presidential_primaries
Pledged delegates reflect the popular vote. I don’t understand why superdelegates are even relevant, except that Bernie is upset that they didn’t all vote for him and give him the nomination. But Bernie didn’t win the popular vote or the majority of pledged delegates, so it would have been undemocratic to award him the election through superdelegates. In fact, he had been whining for months about how unfair it would be if Hillary got fewer pledged delegates than him and got the nomination through superdelegates – and I agree it would have been unfair! But it didn’t happen. Bernie is a hypocrite who traffics in conspiracy theories.
Anon
If memory serves me correctly, Biden had literally never won any primary elections before now, and he’s run for President at least twice before.
Anonymous
^This
Anonymous
I like that he’s not Sanders and he has a much better chance and winning than Sanders.
Anon
Hillary faced a huge amount of sexism that won’t apply to Biden. The Clintons are also much more “establishment” in the corruption/scandal sense, with all their things from his sexual harassment to her emails. Biden has been a politician for a long time (so has Bernie) and yeah his son is a mess, but his family doesn’t have the same kind of political scandals and baggage that the Clintons do.
Anon
+1 Hillary didn’t lose because she was an Obama surrogate… also, Obama won! Twice!
Anon
I think he’s generally decent, calming and can build consensus. We don’t need to go from a Trump revolution to a different revolution. After the last 4 years, I’m enthusiastically voting for four years of boring, incremental progress. He’s not flashy and I don’t want someone who is.
Anon
There are some people who like Obama/Hillary policies and not the, imo, unrealistic goals of the Sanders/Warren wing.
OP
Oh absolutely! I’m just saying those policies lost in 2016, why should we believe they will win in 2020?
Anon
Ding ding ding.
Anon
I don’t think the policies lost in 2016. I think 1) people are crazy sexist and 2) Hillary made some objectively bad decisions – the private email server, not campaigning enough in certain states, etc. I just don’t see the 2016 campaign as an indictment on moderate policies.
Also Hillary lost by ~70,000 votes in three states. She won the national election by a couple percentage points, so it’s not like the country as a whole soundly rejected her.
OP
Thanks, this is a good point
Anonymous
I’m only speaking for what I’ve been witnessing in my own family. They are deep red Republicans. They voted for Trump. Some of them have finally started coming around in the last year or so. They still very much consider themselves Republicans but they hate Donald Trump and would be willing to vote for a Dem to avoid four more years of this mess. It would be a HUGE deal for them to vote for a Democrat – something very uncomfortable that they are willing to do in this one case. But that is never going to happen if the nominee is Sanders – he goes too far.
Anonymous
+1
Seventh Sister
That’s my feeling too – my very conservative parents are obsessed with how Bernie allegedly is going to guarantee free college and free health care and free Obama phones and free kombucha and free CBD gummies or whatever their news source is telling them the freebies are going to be today in the Sanders Administration, but they don’t really have any thoughts or opinions about Biden. Their friends who loathe Trump *would* probably vote for someone like Biden.
Anonymous
IMO the Biden surge is due to the work of other people (Clyburn’s endorsement in SC, Klobochar and Buttigieg’s well timed suspensions and endorsements just before ST). But with Steyer, Yang, Klobochar, and Buttigieg gone, he is going to have to stand on his own and advocate for the moderate position himself which is…not great… I don’t think he would have had any of this momentum on his own, and it could quickly die once people take a closer look at him as a candidate. I don’t dislike him, I just think he has some baggage (’94 crime bill), and mental decline (“vote for the other biden”??). I will absolutely vote for him if he is the nominee though.
Anonymous
Oh god yes you are trying to flame. This board doesn’t have one candidate!! We are not collectively pro or anti Biden. Just go away
Anonymous
I don’t think anyone, including OP is saying that. Did you read the thread yesterday? It was heavily skewed towards Biden with a minority pro-Warren.
Jeffiner
I don’t get the Biden appeal. We knew he poured everything into South Carolina. His win there does not make me think he can win the primary, attract new voters, or win the general. All of the endorsements last night felt like a combination of calling in reinforcements and a Super Tuesday spoiler.
Maybe they think that Obama’s voters will swing back to Biden? Obama promised us change, Trump promised us change, and Biden promises us…what we had before. I do a lot of outreach to low-voting-turnout communities, and bringing back the individual mandate is not going to inspire these voters. I’m also uncomfortable selling Sanders’ unrealistic goals. Warren can bring us changes, with plans on how to achieve that.
Anonymous
And if Warren has no real path to the nom (respectfully), who will you support?
Anonymous
Warren. I look forward to voting for her in June. Respectfully, your condescension isn’t needed.
Anon
I don’t love any democratic candidate. I strongly dislike Sanders and Warren. However, I am squarely anyone but Trump. I’d vote for my neighbor over Trump. Anyone but Trump.
RR
He’s a genuinely devoted public servant. He’s spent decades in politics, and while he’s not perfect, I do believe that he works to do what he thinks is best for the country.
Anon
I’m not a major Biden fan but I agree with this. I do think he’s proven that he’s devoted.
Anonforthis
My FIL got his 4th DUI this weekend (His 3rd was over 10 years ago). He’s been a successful biglaw attorney for 30 years, but in the past year, started going downhill again and amassed significant amounts of debt. My MIL has never worked and they currently have about $80k of debt and not a penny to their name other than $150k in home equity.
I think it’s clear she can’t rely on him and we’re not sure if he will be able to retain a job / is facing sigificant jail time / can stay healthy.
We are looking at supporting her for the next 20+ years and it’s making me sick to my stomach, because I don’t know how we will manage to pay for her living, health insurance while supporting our young family etc. She will get a job, but short of working retail, we’re stuck as to where to start. She’s amazing with kids and I was thinking of talking to my daughters preschool. She got a masters degree in speech pathology back in the day, but again has never worked.
I’m also just so angry and resentful she put her head in the sand or somehow didn’t find a way to be more Financially prudent even though we’ve been helping them budget etc for the past five years. Yet, they managed to hide or “protect” us and now it feels like a bomb exploded.
Any thoughts? Advice? Thanks in advance so much.
Anon
I get you’re mad, but why are you blaming your MIL for being a house wife and not your FIL for being a uncontrolled drunk who insanely mismanaged their money (she may not even have access to it as she is a nonearner). In any case, next steps are to figure out how she can take care of herself in the short term – and remember that these are fully autonomous adults who may not need or want your help, especially when you give it with turned up lips.
1) Ask about life insurance policies, especially work place provided ones (because if we’re honest alcoholics have a shortened life span) and predicted SSI, that will help significantly.
2) She needs to get any job with health insurance then rely on Medicare when she’s of age.
3) Help her figure out a plan for housing. Does that home equity make up the vast value of their own or only a small percentage? If the former, then you need to help them find a way to keep the home. If the latter, help them sell it and purchase a small condo or rental.
Anon
+1 I would not personally take the risks your MIL took, but many people do and they are considered reasonable/normal risks to take, especially if you have children. This situation is not her fault at all, it’s entirely his and it’s not on her to somehow protect herself from her criminal husband.
KP
Step back a bit. Let her higher power help her. Truly the best way to change her is to change you.
Anonymous
Wait, what? She’s concerned about her MIL and you’re saying put it in God’s hands? I can’t with people like you. It’s totally fine to tell her that her MIL is an adult and responsible for herself and that it’s not her circus or monkeys, but the whole “God will provide” thing is crap.
Anon
I’m a huge proponent of prayer, but this is not a situation in which the OP changing will change the result.
Anonymous
I’m sorry, this sounds hard. How far is she away from social security? That should help – I think non-working spouses can collect based on their spouse’s working life. AARP is a good source for inexpensive health insurance.
Other than that, I would try to be patient with her. Would it have been nice if she worked at some point over the past few years? Sure, but she didn’t so you need to meet her where she is.
Op
She’s 55 do has a ways to go
anon
I think you need to take a step back. This is a very stressful time for your husband I’m sure, but your catastrophic outlook is premature. MIL is young. Healthy. Smart. Highly employable, even without working now. There are tons of jobs to get her started. But maybe give her a second, as her world is crashing at the moment.
Your FIL is not going to prison unless he killed someone. Sounds like he needs rehab but he will be employable again soon. They can file for bankruptcy, but probably not needed if he is in big law and has high earning potential. An appointment with a credit counselor seems wise. But they are not in terrible straights.
She has a degree in Speech therapy? She could update that quickly and be highly employable. Great job, good pay. And there are many lower paying jobs she could do
Her husband has been contributing to social security for many years. She will have Medicare/social security when she retires. That’s what most elderly folks retire with.
It will be ok. One step at a time. Things are going to be ok. Please, try to have some empathy and not just anger. Maybe Alanon meeting?
anon
KP – like your first sentence!
Anonymous
Agree with this. There’s a pretty high demand for people trained in autism therapies or speech pathologists who specialize treat children with autism – maybe she could look into either of those areas.
Anon
Depending on the jurisdiction, 4th DUI is definitely prison. In mine, a non-jail deal would not be considered. His status as a big law attorney would make no difference whatsoever. Other places are laxer, so I wouldn’t consider it a definite in OP’s case, but I don’t think it’s as impossible as you think.
Source: am a prosecutor.
anon
Appreciate your input.
I am jaded, after being the victim of a drunk driver and seeing the process and learning from our prosecutor. Yes, your state may be different. Mine is disgustingly lax.
An upstanding working lawyer with no DUI for 10 years supporting a wife…. I am assuming he is white… if anyone is going to squeak through, his chances seem high.
Op
Prosecutor – We’re in Texas. 3rd dui was over 10 years ago. Texas doesn’t have a look back period though I think, but am not sure. Any way he could get County jail rather than state prison? Is it worth money hiring an attorney for him?
Anonymous
Not your money! My goodness. Man has money. He can pay an attorney.
Anony
In my state, a 4th DUI is no LESS than 8 years suspension, 6 months jail time, and $2100 fine. I’d be not only concerned about jail time but the fines, legal fees, etc. which will only exacerbate the financial issues.
Flats Only
AARP? I haven’t checked, but they might have suggestions, resources, etc. for older non-workers are suddenly forced to enter the workforce due to life circumstances. I also do like the preschool idea – she’s not going to make a ton of money, but enough to certainly contribute to her own upkeep. The masters degree doesn’t expire just because you don’t use it – she can still put it on her resume, which ought to help her stand out as a preschool helper candidate. Perhaps she could take a couple of speech pathology classes at a local college to refresh/ update her knowledge.
Anon
Take it one day at a time. You don’t know for sure that you’ll need to support her for the next two decades. Focus on what, if anything, you need to do today.
Anonymous
You got tons of advice yesterday! She will get social security and your best use of money is going to be supporting her in getting a good divorce settlement.
Anon
How does someone who was a Big Law attorney for 30 years not have any retirement savings?
FWIW, something similar happened to my ex-ILs. It was catastrophic for the entire family when all the cards finally came falling down on FIL. It’s been 15 years and ILs’ marriage has never been the same, FIL’s been to rehab several times, and he’s nearly drunk himself to death. MIL dealt with all the shock, grief, anger, disappointment and more. Your MIL can and will become a woman who deals with money and learns how to work. My MIL that had always put her head in the sand and trusted FIL with money – after grieving for who knows how long – learned how to manage the finances and figure out what her future looked like.
For now, support her through her shock and grief. Later, when the time is right, help her with work and a future plan. She can get a job and figure all this out, it’ll just be a monumental journey.
Anon
It’s fairly common. Big Law tends to attract a certain type of person (usually male) who wants instant gratification and doesn’t see the need to plan for the future because they just want to live in the moment. It leads to behaviors like dr*g and alcohol abuse, infidelity and reckless spending. I knew several partners who had no savings and were up to their eyeballs in debt, despite annual salaries in the $500k-1M range.
Senior Attorney
Yeah I saw this a lot when I worked in family law. The doctors and lawyers were often broke while the plumbers and contractors were often sitting on a bundle. I always say you can’t out-earn bad money management.
Anon
So true. I know so many biglaw partners who complained about their student loans and mortgage costs, when spending $$$ on furniture and art and travel and restaurants and etc. I will never drop $1k for a dinner for two people, but they thought that was a normal weekend.
Anon
“How does someone who was a Big Law attorney for 30 years not have any retirement savings?”
Expensive vacations, boats, expensive hobbies, booze, clothes, trading in high-end cars every two years, private high school for the kids, private college for the kids, eating out, massages… it will all add up. Not the OP, but that’s my guess.
cbackson
The only thing that surprises me is that his firm apparently didn’t mandate retirement contributions. We had mandatory retirement contributions taken out of our paychecks automatically and sent to an IRA. No way to opt out of it and no way to get at those funds unless you were willing to take the penalties associated with early withdrawal from an IRA. Even after just a few years as a partner I had like $250k in my firm-mandated account.
I was always told it was to avoid situations sort of like this one, actually – a former partner is in financial distress due to bad life choices and is destitute in retirement or dies and leaves behind an impoverished spouse. The thinking was that this would reflect poorly on the partnership or that a partner might be driven to mishandling of client funds due to panic over lack of retirement savings. IDK if that’s really how this originated, but it was absolutely mandatory at my firm.
Senior Attorney
Agree that this is not the time to fly off the handle and think you need to solve everything today or this week or this month. My parents had a health crisis some years ago and I made a lot of decisions that turned out… okay, but maybe would have been different or at least not so fraught if I’d been able to take some breaths and think things through without catastrophing everything.
Also, gently, if these are your in-laws then your spouse should be taking the lead.
JuniorMinion
I am living this currently with an in law that I’m not a huge fan of (different specifics – but same not addressing of problems leading to issues for spouse and I). My advice would be to draw some boundaries around what you will / won’t do in advance.
For example – in my book adults who are broke and reliant on others do not get jurisdiction over where they live. I will keep you off the street but it will be in my spare bedroom / converted garage. If your MIL does not have any money, she will likely qualify for Medicaid and other social programs. In your shoes, I would be willing to help her navigate state agencies in order to access services, feed / house her, help her get in touch with temp agencies / get a resume together etc and maybe help her out if she gets in a real pinch on certain financial fronts (ie – needs dress clothes to interview, etc). However, I would not shortchange my own immediate family (unless you have a different relationship with your MIL than I do with mine and WANT to do this). People who can’t support themselves lose agency over major financial decisions and I would not for example continue to fund someone in this situation carte blanche or continuing in their status quo.
Anon
Does anyone have recommendations for travel insurance? I want to book a trip for late summer but would like to buy insurance to cancel it if the coronavirus (or something else) prevents me from going.
Anon
I think all travel insurance excludes the coronavirus at this point, because it’s sort of a pre-existing thing.
Anon
Even for August trips?
Anon
Yes? Why would August be special? The coronavirus is here, circulating, everyone knows about it and anyone who books future travel now does so knowing that there’s a risk the virus will mess it up.
Go for it
Really? Rats!!
Suggestions please….
I’m in the middle of planning (not purchased yet) and was def going to purchase insurance as it is a big $$$ bucket list family trip in the US.
Put off until next year? I cannot fathom spending upwards of 10k without travel insurance. Argh.
cbackson
“Cancel for any reason” insurance would cover this but it’s very, very pricey (FWIW).
Bewitched
Not true. I bought cancel for any reason insurance for a trip in December and had to use it for one person in my party. They paid without any concerns whatsoever, but it’s not full coverage. I think they pay 60 or 70% of the trip cost. For a $3000 trip, I paid $140 premium.
Bewitched
Just checked: The cancel for any reason policy I purchased was through Berkshire Hathaway Specialty Insurance and paid 75% of the trip cost when we cancelled.
Anonymous
+1 – and not available to New York state residents. See https://www.squaremouth.com/press-room/travelers-guide-travel-insurance-for-coronavirus/
cbackson
Ah, I haven’t had to buy it for some years and when I did it covered everything – but it was super expensive.
Anon
The costs for it have probably gone up a lot since December, due to coronavirus.
Anon
I think the vast majority of people are postponing booking travel at this point. I was planning a trip for end of May/early June, and just don’t feel comfortable booking anything that is non-refundable. I’m hoping that this is common, so assuming that things calm down come Spring I will still be able to book the trip then.
Anokha
I’m going to book, but use the pricey cancel for any reason insurance.
BabyAssociate
If something truly prevents you from going (meaning your flight is cancelled) you’ll be reimbursed by the airline or given the opportunity to rebook, even if you booked a non-refundable trip. Book refundable hotels so you’re not out anything if you need to cancel. Source: I’ve had 3 flights on different airlines cancelled in the past 2 weeks and have had to cancel 2 different hotel reservations.
If you want the ability to cancel yourself and get a refund, you can take a look at cancel for any reason travel insurance, but I’m not sure coronavirus related cancellations would be included at this point.
anon
+1. I have a bucket list trip planned for May. Before the coronavirus outbreak, I booked flights, two hotels, rental car, and about $1000 worth of tours/activities. If I have to cancel, I’m only out airline change fees and $40 for one tour (by a non-profit museum). If the airline cancels the flight, even that will be refunded. I could have saved a couple of hundred dollars by paying up-front, but (a) I like being able to cancel up until the last minute for various reasons, and (b) there’s always a chance prices will drop below the up-front costs at the last minute, and I’ll be able to save even more money.
If the trip OP is planning is something like a cruise or a tour where you pay everything up front, I’d probably hold off on booking that trip, even if it means waiting a year.
anon
I am in DC – should I be prepping? I live across the street from a big grocery store, so I usually don’t panic, but it feels different this time.
Anon
Given that it is now in the US, I assume it will hit all the big cities sooner or later. There is just so much travel between NY, Chicago, DC, LA, SF, etc. I picked up some extra frozen and non-perishable food at the grocery story (which I will eat either way), but don’t see the need to do anything else.
anon
the one non-routine thing I did was to make sure that my thermometer works (it didn’t, so I got a replacement battery, Walgreens was completely out of thermometers). Just think what you would need if you got exposed and would quarantine yourself for two weeks. Enough food, tissues, and some medication to survive a cold, most of which you probably have. If you have fever or severe symptoms, you would probably seek medical help anyway.
Anonymous
I’m in the same boat, ok fine 10 minutes walking from the grocery, and I did the same as anon – beans, rice, and frozen broccoli. It can’t hurt to have on hand. I’d also get meds that I’d want if I got the mild corona virus and needed to self isolate. Finally consider, if there’s a pre-blizzard esque run on the stores, what MUST I have. For me, toilet paper. Otherwise, live your life :)
Anon
you should prep for two reasons –
you might get sick
or
the grocery store might have shortages or even be closed
as others said, stock up on items you would want to have around if you get a cold – kleenex, pain reliever, gatorade, canned soup, a thermometer, etc.
but also stock up on items you’d need if you couldn’t get groceries for around two weeks – toilet paper, non-perishable goods (dry pasta, canned and jarred items, nuts, etc). I think it’s unlikely, but if it were to happen, my family would be eating a lot of spaghetti with marinara and tuna sandwiches.
it’s always a good idea to have basic supplies in case of natural disaster or extended power outage, so for many of us, it’s a great reminder to stock up.
Anon
Has anyone seen longer length merino wool or wool blend sweaters lately? Crew neck or v neck. My usual suspects of BR and Jcrew all have the cropped length ones, which are definitely not what I want. Budget is around $75-100 per sweater, but would prefer lower.
Anon
Uniqlo used to be my go-to for this, but the quality has been terrible for the two sweaters I bought there in the last year. I’d check reviews closely if you go that route in case things have either worsened or improved.
Anonymous
I bought one from Amazon (I think Daily Ritual brand?) that is actually really nice for the price.
Mallory
Maybe Boden?
Anon
Check Talbots.
Anon
All their sweaters seem to have buttons at the cuffs or at the shoulder now. Why up there?! Wouldn’t your hair get caught on them? Why all the buttons?!
iPhone help
I realize this isn’t a place for tech support, but I’ve searched the heck out of this and pressed lots of buttons and can’t seem to figure out an answer so was wondering if anyone else has had this issue. My husband has an iPhone. I have an Android phone but I also have an iPad that stays at home 100% of the time. For some reason, my contact entity on his phone is linked to both my iPad iMessage and my phone SMS text message. For years, this was fine – if he texted me, it would just go as an SMS to my phone. But recently, it’s become more schizophrenic – sometimes it iMessages my iPad (and I miss the message), sometimes it SMS my phone.
I can’t figure out a way to fix this to have it only text my phone unless I turn his setting to only use SMS for everyone, which he doesn’t want to do understandably. Lots of the advice online is to long press the message and select “send as text” but we don’t see this option when I do this on his phone (iOS 13). I also can’t figure out what makes it choose iMessage vs. Text. It seems to be kind of random, which makes it worse! Help!
Anon
I think you need to something on your iPad, but I don’t know what exactly. Is there an Apple store close by? I’d take your husband, his phone, and your iPad there and have one of their folks help out.
Anonymous
Commiseration. I wonder if something is up? My imessage is bonkers lately as well, and I can’t find a solution to it.
Anon
The last iOS update screwed this up. My husband and I have the same situation and I haven’t figured out how to text his phone, it only lets me send iMessages to his iPad now.
Anonymous
I feel like I’m coming down with a cold but I have to fly for work soon. I’m concerned that other passengers or the flight crew might… idk what?… if I’m coughing and sneezing on the flight. What can I do to avoid being a target for coronavirus panic? FWIW there are no coronavirus diagnoses in my state or nearby states or the state I’m flying to, and I haven’t been in contact with anyone who might have been exposed.
Flats Only
Can you get rest now and try to head off the cold? If not, figure out what cold pill you can take to minimize your symptoms, and take it in time to effective for the flight, so you won’t be so obviously ill.
Anonymous
I would pre-emptively take cold medication to reduce any coughing or sneezing.
There was a family in quebec who was deplaned because their toddler had a cold and they didn’t have medical proof of clearance to fly so I think you’re right to be concerned.
Anon
That’s….insane. It’s February. Half of the world had a cold. I fly with a cold all the time and you don’t need “medical proof of clearance” to fly. I can’t imagine that airline won’t get sued.
Anon
Oops I guess it’s March. Lol. I’m tired.
RR
I find mentholated cough drops to be the best at temporarily minimizing cold symptoms–better than medicine actually. They clear up runny nose and coughing. I’d take a dayquil and steadily pop cough drops throughout the flight, then just do my absolute best to keep my germs to myself.
Anonymous
There’s a decent amount of people flying with masks, and tbh this is what they are intended for (people who are sick to prevent spreading their own germs). I would wear a mask.
Anonymous
I have what may be a dumb question re Coronavirus prep…why are so many people stocking up on bottled water? If I’m stuck at home for a couple weeks, I’ll just drink tap water per usual. Is the fear that the water supply could be affected somehow? Or utility companies will shut down? That seems highly unlikely to me, but maybe I’m missing something. FWIW I do not live in an area prone to natural disasters.
anonshmanon
You’re not missing anything. It’s as nonsensical as people scrambling to buy all the hand sanitizer (and stealing it from hospitals apparently), but shelves of soap are still well stocked. Or the mask madness.
Anonymous
I understand the thinking to be that if there is a weather event that causes a water issue, areas with not-great infrastructure/water supply may be out for longer than usual if staff are down with corona virus.
I also think a lot of people still drink bottled water instead of tap water, even though it’s so bad for the environment.
anon
It’s panic buying. People do it before snow storms, too, even though that just doesn’t disrupt water treatment, ever.
Anon
Any time there’s a power outage those of us with well water lose our water. No electricity = no well pump.
Anon
I’m 100% confident that no one in my inner city neighborhood has well water, but every time there is a prediction for snow the store runs out of bottled water.
Anon
It might be too late for this comment to get seen, but when there is a power outage, the S&WB loses water pressure and causes a boil water advisory to go into effect for tap water. Also hard to boil water when there’s no power. (I only know this because I’m in NOLA where it feels like there are boil water advisories every few weeks – this is the most ridiculous city.)
Anon
I think this is city specific. I’ve never been under a boil water advisory, at least to the best of my knowledge, because of a lack of power.
anon
I’m also in NOLA. I think it’s the exception, and it’s always a good idea to have water in supply–but make sure you use it up and buy new at some point and don’t have the same water sitting around for years. It’s unlikely you’ll need it for coronavirus, but there’s always a decent chance you’ll need it in the fall for a storm.
Anon
Yeah, this is silly. It’s not a terrible idea to have some water on hand for emergencies- I live in CA, so we have a few gallon bottles in the garage and additional liquids in the fridge/freezer, plus some iodine and a backpacking water filter in our emergency kit, but I don’t anticipate any of those things being an issue for coronavirus. Cases of bottled water are ridiculous and wasteful.
Anon
Yeah it’s panic buying.
Anon
I did panic buy and purchase a thermometer, canned soups, and more Clorox wipes. All things I use in normal course, just in larger quantities. No masks, water, etc.
anon
For me, it’s more a reminder of general emergency preparation. I live in a dry part of the country that gets earthquakes and the main water supply is from a far away reservoir via an old pipe. I should have a week or two of water on hand and I was reminded that my water is very old and tastes like plastic, so time to get new bottles.
Fossil fuel interests vs consumers
Given some of the discussions we’ve had about environmentally-friendly/sustainable behaviors, I thought people might find this article interesting:
https://harvardpolitics.com/united-states/climate-change-responsibility/
“In fact, only 100 investor and state-owned fossil fuel companies are responsible for around 70 percent of the world’s historical GHG emissions. This contradicts the narrative pushed by fossil fuel interests that individuals’ actions alone can combat climate change, as individual actions have minute effects relative to these emissions — average American households produce only 8.1 metric tons of carbon dioxide out of a total of over 33 billion tons globally. Fossil fuel interests spend billions on climate science denial to mislead the public about the truth behind the crisis and push the misperception that through individual actions alone climate change can be stopped. They simultaneously lobby for trillions of dollars in subsidies that cheapen fossil fuels and make it more difficult for alternative renewable energy sources to compete fairly in the marketplace. Given this reality, combating climate change requires holding fossil fuel producers accountable for their outsized contribution to the climate crisis and active efforts to thwart meaningful climate action by implementing carbon pricing that will reflect the true cost of fossil fuels, reducing emissions, and advancing a clean energy economy.”