Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Studded Silk Blouse

95 Comments

1. My boss told me on Friday that she wants to promote me/create a new department and have me run it. So this morning, I get an email asking me to essentially create my own job description and department structure.

   For those that have done this before…how do you include all of the roles/responsibilities that you already do/ know should be under the department without setting yourself up for far too much work since there is not yet a staff in place to support it? I’m excited about the opportunity, but since I’m essentially going to be “digging my own grave” here, I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew if it turns out I don’t get the right staff in place early enough.

   1. This is a very interesting question! (BTW, great blouse, but to open! I do NOT want Frank stareing in, Kat! and happy Monday to the HIVE)….

      I kind of faced this situation with the manageing partner. For year’s they had a guy, Fred, who did PI and WC defense, but he left the firm in a huff when he said that the manageing partner cheated him out of his share. They NEVER told me this, but MADELEINE confieded this in me when we were still freind’s.

      So when the manageing partner brought me in, he wanted me to step into Fred’s shoe’s, and do all of the PI and WC work that he could NOT take with him. So in a way I had to redefine myself from a law student who could serve subpeenea’s into a litiegator, all in a matter of a few month’s! I was NOT sure I was up for the task, but Alan told me I could do it, and he was NOT drunk most of the time, like he became after I became a sucess at the firm. He was a CPA and mabye they drink alot; whatever, he is OUT of my life.

      So if you are doieng a job description, just write down what you do NOW. Mabye if you do more you will get a BONUS later for doieng more. Also, it may be smart to ask for a clotheing allowance. I am worried that MINE will be cut b/c I have to tell the manageing partner about NOT takeing the partnership offer. My dad said he would tell him but I have to get that done b/f June 30. UGH! It is very dificult to be a sucess b/c peeople are alway’s demanding thing’s of us! FOOEY!

   2. I’ve never done it before, but major congratulations!!

      1. Thanks…but I told DH to save the congrats until a title and pay bump are in ink. Until then (but then is coming), it’s just way more work :)

         1. Ok, delayed congrats until it’s in writing!

   3. Will you never get staff, or are you just not getting staff yet? I think you should bite it all off! But clearly you’re good at your job so you have an understanding of how much/what you can do well.

      1. From our chat last week– I have one person that will start reporting to me as soon as things are official (not my choice, but she needs a home and does things in the neighborhood of what I’m rolling out).

         I’ve got to design the department structure and outline all the major areas for which it will be responsible. My list right now is so long that if it were myself and this new report (who I’ve actually yet to meet…another story for another day…), we’d be sunk. I think, though, that I can pitch it all as “future state” and then outline concrete goals for 2013 when I know the dept will have a staff of 2. I’ll be clear that I need another FTE going into 2014, then make my case during budget season (when, hey! I’ll be on mat leave!). I guess come 2014, if there are no staffing changes, there will be productivity implications.

         Just trying to think this through…I’ve been promoted before, but never in a “design your own role” context. I also know that the more we take on, the greater case I have for a major salary bump. I know a new title/salary is coming, but this gives my boss better justification for the numbers I’m/we’re asking for.

   4. I would structure your plan so that you are adding staff so they are taking over some of your duties, little by little. Write your new job description for what it will become, rather than what it will be immediately, then create the staff positions to cover the duties you can no longer do in your new role.

   5. Create clear measurable goals (or at least the responsibility to define them for your team/department). You don’t want your job description to be a catch-all for what you do now, plus stuff you’d want to do, plus the cr*p no one else does. Congrats!

   6. Don’t forget to check around at how your function gets delivered at your peer companies and competitors – will save you from reinventing the wheel from scratch and provide an idea of what to aim for, or avoid.

   7. Doing something similar. I looked for job listings for the role at other organizations for role responsibilities… also, reach out to your network for people in a similar role and ask for an informational interview about what they do, etc…

   8. I just did this (although the new dept/promotion haven’t come through yet), and found it important to shed some current duties to be able to take on new ones. I have more than enough work to keep me busy right now, so how could I take on new duties and maintain my old ones?

      As to the staffing issue, are there any industry productivity benchmarks available to you? If you can estimate the volume of work in any quantifiable way, write up a business plan using benchmarks. If not, maybe you can set up a pilot project to estimate volume and staffing for the future?

2. I bit the bullet with a friend and signed up for a Warrior Dash. I only have one month to train for it – anyone have tips? All the training plans I see online are for 12 weeks or so. I’m already in reasonable shape (though I don’t make a habit of crawling through mud) and can run about a 5K now. I’ve heard you end up waiting around for a lot of the obstacles (especially because we ended up only being able to run in a later leg so I assume there will be lines, etc from earlier waves) so it’s not so much distance stamina as it is getting over the obstacles.

   Would love any tips!

   1. Upper body strength. Pull ups. Push ups. Monkey bars. Crawl up a hill on hands and feet, then crawl down.

   2. There’s really no need for additional training if you can already run a 5K. But upper body strength training won’t hurt!

      You will have a blast.

   3. Echo Alex Mack – not much to train for, other than perhaps jumping into freezing cold water and running with sopping wet clothes and sneakers :) If you’re in good shape and can easily run a 5k, you won’t find it particularly physically challenging. But, you will have a BLAST!

3. Longtime lurker, first time poster. Looking for guidance/wisdom on how to cope with a boss who seems to be going completely bananas. She doesn’t use her staff effectively, changes her mind 12 times an hour, and has started to ignore me and/or leave me off of email chains that I actually need to be on. Luckily, I’ll only be at this job for 2 more months, (i.e. my current coping method involves me saying “2 more months, 2 more months” over and over in my head), but I’m hoping to find a better way to get through my day. Also welcome: crazy boss stories to distract me from mine.

   1. Are you made? He almost made me cry today, not because he was cruel but because I was just so frustrated with the stupidity

      1. Sadly no coping strategies, just commiseration. 2 more months!

   2. I have a similar situation. A boss who is all over the place, distracted, and sometimes panicked and my boss’ boss who is a micromanager and a control freak. The two make for a very bad situation for me and the rest of my team. My strategy is constantly remind myself not to be defensive because it can be used against me later on. When my boss starts ranting about something that he thinks is my mistake, I bite my tongue and reply with a simple “understood” rather than be very defensive in the moment. I may go back and put my defense/explanation in writing but I have learned not to verbally engage him because then it becomes a matter of he-said-she-said.

4. I realize this has been asked before but any recommendations for divorce lawyers in New York City? Desperately need one. Thanks!

   1. Valerie Wolfman.

      1. Thank you!

   2. Jessica Rothberg was great.

      1. Is she a lawyer or just a mediator? And while I am it, do you advise I start with a mediator first or go direct to a lawyer?

5. Guys, I’m in a real wardrobe rut. How does one begin to tackle revamping their entire wardrobe without breaking the bank? I need some updates to address the change of season, a minor weight change, and general feelings of malaise about one’s sense of style!

   Any simple steps I can take to tackle this without feeling overwhelmed? Thanks!

   1. Is it possible you don’t need to revamp the entire wardrobe? I’ve generally found that a couple new pieces (including accessories) does enough to help if you’re on a budget. I would go through your wardrobe and figure out what you have and what fits you well/what you feel comfortable in. Figure out what your key holes are and start to address those.

      For the issues about your sense of style, I would suggest Pinterest. It can be overwhelming at first but there are a ton of professional outfit options that can help stimulate creativity.

   2. Hey, as someone who is still in the process of revamping…
      I don’t mean to offend with my advice–I’m speaking as someone who ignored the way she looked for most of her adult life (till now). I’m also working with a minor weight change.

      Try things on in front of a full length mirror. The way clothes look in your mind is different. I’ve also found taking photos–just with my cell phone–also helpful. But maybe you already see your clothes more than I did (which is how you know you need to make some changes ;-) ).

      I shop at consignment shops and occasionally thrift, as well as receiving coupons or emails from some of my favorite stores. I second the idea that accessories can be helpful for a quick update. I have purchased some good mid-rangeish bags on eBay (Banana Republic, Wison’s Leather for my tote). I find *measuring* my clothes very helpful for purchasing via e-Bay, usually shirts but sometimes pants, for half or more off of retail (lately I’m finding that clothing from Express fits me well, so YMMV). My weight does fluctuate some, and I’ve found that measuring the waist, hips, and length of a skirt I am comfortable in, rather than measuring my body, helps to keep me from being judgemental about myself. I’m also picky about the length of tops I think works best on me.

      If you find something you know you like but it’s too expensive, you can find it online and use shopping notes dot com to keep track of when the price of the item gets below a certain amount.

      1. Oy, I usually get *skirts* from eBay. Shirts for me would be tricky.

   3. I’m in the process of revamping as well and I’ve found that getting rid of the things you keep in rotation but don’t like is hugely satisfying. Some items that have been put in the Goodwill pile include: shirts that are too low-cut for work but too dressy to be realistic weekend pieces, pants that never quite fit me right but I liked the color, tops I bought because they’re pretty but didn’t stop to consider what I already owned so they don’t go with anything.

      I also like Outfit Posts and Putting Me Together for inspiration. I’ve been trying to bust out of my comfort zone with color combos and accessories and both sites have given me some good ideas.

   4. Batgirl, you might find the Vivienne Files site helpful. I’ve been looking at her site for a while, and decided to start the summer using some of her prinicples to make a capsule — pick a couple of neutral colors, a couple of accent colors, and build from there. You can get a bunch of outfits out of only a few pieces if you shop carefully, and then it’s easy to build on what you already have.

      http://theviviennefiles.blogspot.com/

      Browse around, but the “Four by Four”, “Whatever’s Clean”, “Not So Crazy Eights”, and “A Common Wardrobe” tags will give you good insight into her approach.

   5. I’ve tried to taken advice I’ve seen on blogs recently (You Look Fab & Inside Out Style) to define my style. Maybe you aren’t quite there yet, but ever since I’ve decided that the style that suits me best (and I feel best in) is “tailored girly” it has made it SO much easier to shop. Even though I admire boho & edgy styles, I know they just don’t suit me & don’t fit into the work wardrobe I’ve been trying to build. It makes it easier to pass on those items, which in turn saves me money in the long run and saves my closet from clothes that just don’t get worn.

   6. If it were me – the places I would focus on would be jackets or cardigans (since you can wear them with lots of things) and jewelry. Maybe shoes (cute ballet flats and such can be very cheap). Then if you have the money left over, I’d move on to skirts in brighter colors or in patterns. I think I’d add shirts last because I’m assuming you have neutral shirts that would go even with brighter colored clothes.

      In terms of jewelry – I think the two best additions you can make are one or two brightly colored big chunky bangles or some opera length necklaces or bright earrings (F21 is key for cheap jewelry is you ask me – or etsy to an extent.)

      For blazers – I’d try Old Navy for more casual ones at a good price or check out JC Penneys or the Halogen brand for some nice colors (linen or ponte knits are a great way to go.)

      For skirts – I’d check out Nordstroms again, or Asos (which is nice and discount and has some beautiful skirts this season) or the Limited. All of those places have some good deals on both pencil and A-Line skirts.

      Flats – I’d just do a search on zappos, 6PM, and Endless – you’re bound to find something brightly colored you like (I’d go with bright yellow – since you can almost treat that as a neutral with a lot of things.)

   7. Thanks, everyone! This is super helpful!

      My weight issue is that I’ve gained a small amount of weight (about 5-8 lbs–well, maybe not THAT small) in the past year or two and just can’t seem to get it off me (hey there, mid-30s!) and I tend to gain weight in my tummy, making it so that all my shirts and pants are suddenly embarrassingly tight/unflattering.

      I’ve tackled the pants/skirts issue (out of necessity, really), but now I feel like nothing matches anything and I need new, less clingy, flattering tops.

      Thanks for the advice!

      1. I would focus on tops that have sort of cross v-neck tops (you know what I mean) and then a kind of draping or ruching over the stomach – to disguise the extra weight there. I’d also maybe get some dresses that do the same thing or hit a little higher at the empire waist but rather than falling like a sack, have pleating or draping that makes it look intentional. You may find some of the shirt and dress ideas in this post inspirational (though they’re plus sized and you don’t mention needing those.)

         http://tcfkag.weebly.com/7/category/dressing%20for%20your%20body/1.html

         P.S. – hi everyone, in addition to what I was already doing on my blog I’m now doing personal shopping for just these sorts of problems – if anyone is interested.

         1. Whoo! I feel so honored getting personalized advice! I’m also short-waisted. :) Basically, I’m 5’3″, 133 lbs, and carry most of my weight in the my lower tummy/pooch area. And I haven’t even had kids yet! I’m also petite on top if others have any clothing ideas! Thanks!

            1. I carry my weight in the same area (also no kids). I’ve found a couple of skirts at The Limited that have no waistband. This means I can wear them wherever suits me/my body best, whether low on my hips or closer to my natural waist. I also find wider waistbands in skirts and pants helpful. Because yeah, when all your weight is carried in one area, even a few pounds can mean a different clothing size.

   8. First try on everything you have and get rid of everything that does not fit. In my experience, it was affecting my self-esteem to have clothing in my closet that I could not wear. I thought about keeping things for that magical day when I lose the extra pounds but determined that 1) when I do get to the goal weight, I will be excited to buy new and flattering outfits, and 2) keeping clothing that was depressing me did not justify the future monetary saving. Once you’ve done that, focus on the basics and supplement with accessories. You can buy cute accessories for very little at places like F21, and H&M.

      1. Thanks, I think you’re probably right. It’s demoralizing to feel like I have drawers full of clothes but nothing to wear!

6. Hi! I’m starting an internship soon, and just found out this is the dress code:

   · For women – slacks, blouses, sweater sets, skirts, khakis.
   · Business Casual attire does NOT include Capri-style (3/4 length) pants, jeans, open-toed sandals, flip-flops, t-shirts, or revealing

   Does this mean that if I wear a t-shirt or a sleeveless shell under a suit, I can’t take the blazer off?

   1. It sounds like you don’t need to wear a blazer/suit, so I’m not sure why you would unless you already have a bunch or you are thinking about wearing “fun” blazers instead of suiting blazers.
      That said, I wouldn’t wear t-shirts under anything until you see others in your office doing that. For your first week or two, wear exactly what the dress code says. I know it’s boring. But better to rock sweater sets and khakis and play it safe until you see what other women are doing. And even then tread lightly– you don’t want to be remembered as the intern who always pushed the boundaries on dress code. Same goes for over-dressing; if I got that email I wouldn’t wear a suit on the first day. If you want to over dress in case (which again I don’t think is necessary given that you have a dress code), try a professional dress with a cardigan or blazer.

      Good luck!

   2. Or for the first day – can I wear a sleeveless (4-or-5 fingers wide sleeve) top and if necessary, not take my jacket off? Or would that look weird in a business casual environment. I get really cold anyways.

      1. What field? For a legal internship, I have always worn a suit on the first day (and all my interships/jobs have had business casual dress codes, although not formally stated like yours).

         If you are worried about looking to formal with a jacket but too informal with just your shell, why don’t you throw a 3/4-sleeve cardigan in your bag so you have another option.

         1. *too formal

   3. I think when they are referring to t-shirts they are talking about cotton t-shirts, graphic t-shirts, things high schoolers wear, etc. If you get some ‘t-shirts’ made of nicer material (i.e., more like a short-sleeved sweater/silk top/etc.), you’ll be fine if you take you blazer/cardigan off. Stick to the spirit of the law, not the letter of it, if that analogy works for you.

      1. 100%. They mean no t-shirts that you would wear to garden. T-shirts that are nice/business-y (i.e., short-sleeved shirts without buttons) are fine.

   4. To answer your specific question – as an intern (and even to some extent as a midlevel/senior associate at my firm) I would only remove my blazer when wearing a more casual underpinning if I were in my office walls, and even then may drape it over my shoulders (or at the least, over the back of my chair) to show that it’s only a temporary removal of a layer.

      1. That seems over the top unless you are at a really formal office where it is all business-formal all the time AND in practice people wear their jackets all day long.

         1. +1. She specifically says “business casual” dress code, and sweater sets are recommended. A suit, even on day one, would be overkill IMHO. OP, what kind of workplace is it? Legal? Non-profit? Government? That would make a difference.

7. Memphis lunch recommendations? I’m driving east along 40 (will continue east, too). Something casual since we’re in sundresses/shorts. Thank you!!

   1. Germantown Commissary.

8. I am not a lawyer, am looking for some guidance from any lawyers here. My parents are going through a contentious divorce. My mom filed in September, and it is now June, and really nothing has happened other than email communications. Her lawyer, who came very highly recommended, has now cancelled two mediation sessions (after flights were purchased, etc, my father is in another state) because of ’emergencies’ – the first was set for April and the second for next week. At this point my mom has put about $20,000 toward this law firm in retainers over the last 10 months and nothing has happened. This star recommended lawyer has also pushed a lot of the day to day work into a newer/younger associate, and now has suggested the associate attends the mediation in her stead.
   Is this normal or is this a disaster? What are my mom’s options for speeding up this process and getting some actual results?

   1. My parents just finished a contentious 2.5 year divorce. At times my mom’s more junior attorney would handle matters (court hearings, etc.) if the more senior attorney couldn’t make it or was delayed. Day-to-day work is always handled by the more junior attorneys. I think that’s normal. My law firm does that too (but I don’t practice matrimonial law). The real problem here is that your mother’s more senior attorney keeps flaking on her and is potentially driving up the cost of the process. Depending on how junior this newer attorney is, your mother could ask for a more senior attorney (not the star lawyer) to handle the mediation sessions. She should just know that a more senior attorney is going to cost more.

      In short, a contentious divorce can take a really long time. It’s normal for a more junior attorney to handle day-to-day work, court hearings, and mediations, especially if they have a few years of experience. And your mother has the right to ask for other / more senior counsel, if she feels uncomfortable with the (lack of) attention being paid to her. If she wants to completely switch counsel, she should probably read the retainer agreement to see what fees she will forfeit.

   2. This sounds pretty normal for a big firm.

      If she has paid $20,000 in retainers, hopefully they’ve been sending your mom monthly statements that indicate what that money is being used for. If she hasn’t gotten anything outlining how her retainers have been spent, she should certainly ask for that. She is entitled to it.

      Ultimately, your mom should have a lawyer she’s comfortable with. If she doesn’t like this firm, she should look around for different representation.

      Sometimes people think they want a big firm, but the firms are generally very expensive, and stories like this abound. Perhaps your mom would be a better fit for a smaller firm or even a solo practitioner who focuses on divorces. The state bar in your state would probably have a referral line if she doesn’t know of any.

   3. Sometimes “star” attorneys have so many clients that they can’t focus on every case very much, especially if the wealth of each party isn’t extreme.

      You parents can hurry things along by (a) settling (obviously, but has to be mentioned) or (b) possibly finding lawyers who are very good but maybe less prestigious – for whom your parents would be an actual priority.

      Shrug, that’s what I’d say anyway. Others might have better advice.

   4. Thanks for these responses. Glad to know this is fairly routine (if aggravating).

9. NYC ‘Re tt es:

   My dad’s 75th birthday is tomorrow and i was thinking of having some cookies or a cake delivered to him, either at work or at home. Any suggestions for a NYC business who does this type of thing?

   he lives in Kips Bay (32nd and 2nd) and works downtown.

   Thanks!!

   1. Insomnia cookies delivers and is right there (33rd/3rd) and the cookies are yummy. and you can do it via seamless.
      edible flowers also delivers (fruits & cookies).

      You could also call a bakery that you/he likes and see if you can send a taskrabbit person to pickup/deliver.

      1. Oh, fabulous!! Thanks!

   2. Magnolia Cupcakes delivers as well…

   3. Ruby et Violette and Levain Bakery also deliver in the city (and have amazing cookies).

10. What’s a good gift for my cousin (a boy)’s 8th grade graduation? I haven’t done this before. Is cash/check standard? And what’s the expected dollar amount?

    1. A card and $20? It’s not like he’s going off to college and needs a bunch of stuff.

    2. Does he have an iPod? Maybe an iTunes card. Or something fun for him to do over the summer like a gift certificate to the movie theater? Where I live, most parents just take the child out to dinner for middle school graduation and sometimes the grandparents give a card with a little bit of cash. It’s really not a big deal here.

    3. This is helpful. I think I was exaggerating the importance of the occasion and gift in my mind. I was thinking it should have been $75-$100! Thanks, ladies.

    4. This is a know-your-family thing. I’d treat 8th grade graduation like I’d treat a birthday. So $25-$50 gift, depending on the relationship. I’d stick with cash, or an interest-specific gift card.

       I gave my 8th grade niece a $50 to Sephora and took her out to lunch and to Sephora to spend it on some “high school” makeup + got the Sephora woman to show her how to apply it. I cleared this with her mom (my sister) in advance. We figured this was a way to avoid the crazy “I don’t know what I’m doing with makeup” phase AND we had a “pre meeting” with mom to talk about what kind of makeup was appropriate and when before she bought anything :)

    5. I won’t be expecting anything from extended family for my oldest ds’ grade 8 grad next year, and we probably won’t do anything more than go out to dinner as a family. I doubt we’ll be giving him anything at all. It will be a very minor event in our family, I’m afraid.

11. I’m beginning my condo search, and I wondered if you ladies had any tips to share. Is it true that you know the place for you almost immediately when you see it? So far, I’ve been surprised by how quickly I don’t like places!

    1. Unsure of your market or what type of condos you are looking at, but NEVER EVER buy into a condo association of two units. I speak from painful experience – it can be an unmitigated disaster.

       1. I’m in Chicago, and I want a 1 br/1 ba, ideally newer construction. And thank you for the tip! I’m looking at larger buildings, so hopefully that wouldn’t be an issue.

       2. I knew it as soon as we entered our current apartment (this was after seeing ~ 60 places and even having made two bids, it was at the peak of the NYC real estate bubble). We stretched and overpaid, so economically speaking it wasn’t helpful. Emotionally speaking, I’m I still think buying this apartment was the right choice. My husband and I love coming home to our apartment, and while we aren’t happy that it lost a significant percentage of its value we don’t care too much as we don’t want to move anyway.

    2. I have had a stressful weekend dealing with condo stuff – do good due diligence on the builder and their reputation.

    3. I don’t think you necessarily know right away it’s “the one”. At my price point I knew I wouldn’t get everything I wanted, each place I considered had some pros and cons. The one I ended up with was my 2nd choice (my husband’s first) but I’m very happy there. Though for what it’s worth I felt the same about my wedding dress, I liked it but I would have been just as happy with several others I tried on.

    4. Make sure you ask about the warrantability of the condo and what types of loans the building qualifies for. This is really important and should be one of the very first questions you ask. The seller’s agent should be easily able to answer this for you/your agent. If they aren’t able or seem to be dodging the question, take it as a warning sign.

       You do not want to get stuck with a condo that has a very limited resale market.

    5. Gut feel has been important in my past house searches, but sometimes practicality has won out.

       I’d rank the 5 or 7 most important features you want your condo to have by importance (must have vs like to have). This was really helpful for us when we bought our last house.

    6. Ask what the condo docs say re: renting because you might out grow a one bedroom faster than you expect. (On the flip side, it would be a bummer to be in a building with very few owner-occupied units, so you have to figure out what’s more important to you.) Also, many condo associations have weighted voting based on each unit’s square footage — be wary of ending up in a unit with no real say re: expenses/timing of maintenance/etc. Along these lines, tread carefully before purchasing a unit that has potentially wildly different maintenance issues than the rest of the building .

12. Hi Ladies –

    Question – I am attending the Radio and Television Correspondents Association Dinner on Wednesday in D.C. The invite says black tie…are any of you other ‘r e t t e s attending and are you all planning to wear long gowns? I feel like these days short dresses are more acceptable for black tie and certainly don’t want to be the only person in a long dress. Thanks in advance!

    1. Can you google the event for images from last year and see what everyone is wearing?

       1. Good idea – will do! Thanks1

13. I posted this late in the weekend on the Weekend Open Thread and didn’t get any responses.

    Does anyone have advice on how to support my husband, who is depressed?

    He started a job earlier this year, and he feels overwhelmed with it. It isn’t a precise job description (not a lawyer) and he’s had a hard time figuring out what he’s supposed to be doing. People come to him with questions that he really doesn’t know the answer to. On top of that, we’ve been having a rough spot at home.

    He told me a few days ago that he thinks he has depression. He had it a few years ago, before we met. He’s on Prozac already. I think he’s probably correct that it’s depression – he has also been eating junk food more and gaining weight. And when we argue, he takes it really personally and seems to think I’m telling him he’s a bad person. He says that his parents were always yelling at him when he was a kid, too, so there must be something wrong with him.

    I know I can’t just tell him to snap out of it. But what can I do to support him until he feels a little better?

    1. Do you know how he started feeling better the last time he went through this? If so, I’d encourage him to do something similar this time. Encouraging him to start seeing a therapist again could be helpful and he should talk to his doctor or psychiatrist about it so they could make changes to his medication, if necessary.

    2. +1. I agree that he should probably seek treatment again and possible ask for a change in meds. As an older anti-depressant, Prozac is a good (and cheap) first line, but may also be contributing to his weight gain. There are lots of newer meds available that may work differently/ better for him with fewer side effects. A pyschiatrist or PCP with a good handle on depression will know which way to go.
       As far as supporting him, I think the #1 thing you can do is just keep telling him you’re there and you care and he WILL get out of this eventually.

14. Question: Is it appropriate to throw a bridal shower for someone who’s having a very small wedding (to which most of the likely shower attendees will not be invited)?

    My younger sister is getting married in September and having a very small, “backyard” type of reception to save money. I’m her Maid of Honor & the only other bridal party attendant. I know the MOH is typically in charge of throwing the shower, but in this case, I’m not sure whether it’ would be considered tacky, due to the intimate nature of their wedding. I’d love to do something nice for my sister, but I don’t want anyone to perceive it as a “gift grab”.

    Thoughts?

    1. I don’t think it’s appropriate. The shower is a major gift-giving event, and the people who are invited to it should also be invited to the wedding. Can you throw a much smaller shower that is limited to the wedding guest list?

    2. Emily Post and Miss Manners both say no one should be invited to a shower who is not also invited to the wedding. I agree with them, it seems like a gift grab and is tacky.

    3. You can do a shower, but with the same close family and friends that will be invited to the wedding. You can’t invite people to the shower that aren’t invited to the wedding, it is extremely tacky

    4. Instead of a shower, you can put together a lunch for her friends and specify on the invitation that people should not bring gifts.

    5. Could you maybe hold a brunch or something and ask every attendee to bring a recipe (or, if your sister isn’t much into cooking, a picture of the guest and the bride)? That way your sister can still have the experience of a shower (which was really meaningful to me in ways I can’t articulate easily) without it being perceived as a gift grab.

       This is what we did for my shower and it was really nice. I still use several of the recipes years later.

       1. I love this idea – thank you! I’m more interested in wanting to do an event for her – gifts or no gifts. I just wasn’t exactly sure what to do.

          Thanks. :)

    6. Yeah it is tacky. Think about what you are asking- your sister has decided not to spend money on these people (which is fine obviously) but you want to invite them to a part which is specifically designed for guests to spend money on the bride and groom.

       1. I think an exception to this is when the bride is having her wedding far away from where she lives. We threw a shower for one of my staff because her wedding was in Ohio and we wouldn’t be attending. A few of us were invited to her semi-local reception (the groom’s family is from near here) but most people didn’t even know about that. It allowed us to make a fuss over her and buy her gifts even though we couldn’t be at the wedding. It was a lot of fun!

          1. Agree- and its a little different for staff. My work frequently has showers for people at work, even if no one from work is invited to the reception.

    7. My MIL is doing this for me. I wish she weren’t. Don’t do it!

    8. A shower is tough. It’s both a female ritual of wishing the bride well and showing love, but also it’s really a gift party. I agree with the other poster and the etiquette books that say no one should be invited to the shower that isn’t invited to the wedding.

       But you could have some other kind of get-together. Have a craft night, or a picnic/tea party to celebrate her. And unless you say “no gifts”, it’s going to look like a gift grab.

    9. I’d love to do something nice for my sister, but I don’t want anyone to perceive it as a “gift grab”.

       Isn’t that what a shower is?

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