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Updated: Aug 10, 2020 344 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Belted Cotton-Blend Corded Lace Midi Shirtdress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I don’t know where I’m going to wear this dress, but I want it in my closet immediately. This coral color is so pretty, and the V-neck and belted waist are super flattering. I usually try to avoid lacy fabrics in the office, but I think this would look great with a white blazer for a more casual office look.

If you’re in a part of the country where baby and bridal showers are happening, this would a great look for a ladies’ brunch.

The dress is $70, marked down from $175, and available in sizes XS–XL. Belted Cotton-Blend Corded Lace Midi Shirtdress

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Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Cat

    Revitalash vs. Neulash – thoughts? Eyeing the NAS and looking for non-influencer thoughts. Mostly looking for a bit of extra length, not “are those fake lashes” effect.

    • Anonymous

      Not OP but I have blue eyes and have been nervous about trying similar products because I don’t want the color of my eyes to change. Curious about people’s experiences with this…

      • Cat

        To this end, I think revitalash is applied to the lashes like mascara, while neulash is applied at the base like eyeliner. That is tipping me towards revitalash but curious for others’ experiences…

      • Anonymous

        I have blue eyes and have used both revitalash and the R&F product with success. Frankly, the R&F one works better, but I wasn’t super enthused about supporting an MLM so I only bought once. Both work well; neither changed my eye color.

    • Anon

      I have been using Revitalash and it works really well. I have dark brown eyes, so I didn’t realize it can change eye color!

    • batting lashes

      I haven’t used Revitalash but I did use Neulash. It made my eyelashes very long and thick and just really darn pretty in ~a month. Even my mom noticed and asked what mascara I was wearing or what looked different. I have hazel-brown eyes and did not notice any color changing. I bought it because felt ‘safer’ buying something from N0rdstr0m than an MLM. I haven’t used it in some time only because we have been TTC for the last 18 months.

        • batting lashes

          You are sweet. We are actually, finally expecting (still very early) but I definitely miss retinol and the lashes and botox and ALL the beauty products! Pandemic not allowing me to get my hair cut, nails done, eyebrows waxed, facials done, or a massage has meant that the little pick-me-ups that help you feel fabulous when you feel really rotten are not available —-BUT we are grateful even though I am a cavewoman. :)

    • KW

      I don’t know anything about either of those products, but I use Liason and the results absolutely exceeded my expectations. My lashes are noticeably longer and probably a bit more voluminous, but they don’t look fake. I saw an article where it was highly rated and it’s not expensive so I decided to give it a go. I’ve been using it for several months now and haven’t had any adverse side effects. My eyes are brown, FWIW.

    • Anon Probate Atty

      So many!
      Go to your dream college, not the ones where your friends are going. You’ll change friends anyway.
      Buy the expensive shoes. The cheap ones won’t fit right and will fall apart quickly.
      Don’t move to the suburbs before having kids. You will hate it.
      Ask for advice and training. If you don’t ask, your clueless boss won’t know you’re struggling.
      Don’t try to change people. You’ll fail every time. If you need a challenge, take up rock climbing or knitting or learn another language.
      Travel abroad your junior year in college. Your loser boyfriend is not worth sticking around fo.

  2. What I Wish I Knew

    If you could go back and tell yourself things you wish you knew then, based on what you knew now BUT IT COULD ONLY BE NON-LIFE ALTERING, TRIVIAL TYPE THINGS, what would you tell yourself?

    I’ll start-

    *stop spending so much on fancy mascaras, it’s the wand that matters. Save the good wand and buy the cheaper brands!
    *do not overpluck your eyebrows no matter what is trendy!!
    *eat too much junk food and stay up too late while you’re young enough that your body will recover!!!

    • Clementine

      -Low rise jeans are the worst
      – Six hairs does not an eyebrow make
      – Just admit you hate pumpkin spice. Admit it now.

      • Anon

        +1 low rise jeans are the devil. I hope they never come back. I cringe at the thought of all the people I probably flashed accidentally when bending down back in my 20s.

        • Curious

          Hahaha please forgive us short torsoed folks for loving them and wishing high waists would go away forever. Though we can compromise on mid-rise?

          • Sunshine

            +1. I love the lower-rise and hate hate hate high rise. I have very long legs and a short torso. High rise makes me look like I have legs, b00bs, and a head. That’s it.

          • Anon

            Fair! I’m talking like Britney Spears-early-aughts-need-a-good-wax-to-wear (kidding, kind of) that hopefully we all agree were a bit much.

          • anon

            +1000 An 8 inch rise is the perfect rise for my short torso! I look like steve urkel with anything higher.

          • Go for it

            I love low rise, short torso with long legs. High rise are awful on me, mid rise are awful on me.

        • Anon

          Thanks. I got really tired of seeing all my friends’ buttcracks every time we sat down. I would like to repeat it.

      • anon

        OMG, yes to the low-rise jeans. I have a long torso and a long rise … those things were constant butt-crack cleavage.

      • Clementine

        Love these responses!! And yes, to clarify: when I say low rise, I mean full on barely cover the cheeks, need a wax before you wear them, zipper is an inch and a half long low rise jeans.

        I was far too guilty of the ‘plumber crack’ look for far too long… (small waist + not being allowed to wear ‘really tight’ jeans for a long time… there was no hope for me.)

    • Cat

      -senior year of HS would have been a lot more fun without a boyfriend
      -spend more money on travel (rather than clothes) in college… I mourn all those 2-3 week periods on break or before or after internships when I just kinda hung around the house!
      -just stop buying red lipstick. You are not a lipstick person and you know it.

      • Anon

        +1 to your first line. I had a serious boyfriend from the middle of high school to the middle of college and I would have had a lot more fun if that hadn’t been the case. I didn’t end up marrying the guy anyway so it wasn’t a good investment of time or energy.

        • Anon

          This isn’t always the case, but just because a relationship doesn’t end in marriage doesn’t mean it wasn’t worthwhile.

          • Anon

            Of course not. But in my case, I missed out on a lot of fun and the experience of dating a lot of different people in my late teens/early 20s because of pressure I felt, especially after I had been with my ex for a long time, to make it work. It was total sunk-cost theory, and also the pressure of expectations from people (some of my family and friends, and his family) that because we’d been together so long we’d get married. People get married to their high school or college sweethearts all the time where I am from and so it wasn’t an unreasonable conclusion, and by buying into it I missed out on some things I regret.

            P.S., it’s always amusing to see the torturous deductive leaps people make from people’s comments when they’re trying to start a fight with someone because they’re bored, LOL. Sorry I couldn’t accommodate you. Better luck next time.

    • Monday

      Fun prompt!

      –Wear high-waisted everything as soon as you have hips.
      –Stop fighting your hair’s natural texture. It’s time-consuming, expensive, damaging, and above all it never really works. Only get haircuts that work straight out of the shower.
      –Find out how much white hair you actually have, and how it looks overall, before dyeing over it preemptively.
      –Dressing to try to conceal your body, or parts that make you self-conscious, is no fun. Nobody cares!

    • Vicky Austin

      -do not sign up for rewards programs at clothing stores you’re not sure if you like yet
      -it’s not a moral weakness to use heat on your hair, you weirdo
      -and a hearty +1 to leave your eyebrows be!

    • Anon

      1. Just go vegan, you know it’s the right thing to do, none of that waffling vegetarianism BS.
      2. Laser eye surgery is life changing, get it sooner!
      3. Adopt more cats, it will be okay I promise.

      • Anon

        I want laser I surgery so bad but I can’t even sit still for the puff of air and other usual tests at the eye doctor. I don’t know if they could give me enough anti-anxiety meds to do what I’d have to do to have conscious surgery like that. Also, I hear how they strap you in so you can’t move and I have pretty severe claustrophobia and think I would pee my pants. I would be willing to publicly pee my pants to not need glasses or contacts ever again though.

        • Anon

          Honestly, I went into the surgery ‘blind’ I picked the best surgeon in my large city but did not research how the procedure itself was done. I’m not sure I would have had the stomach to go through with it if I had known what was coming. However, once the surgery starts you really have no choice but to be as Still as possible and just do it. Recovery was a breeze and the freedom of just waking up and being able to see is the best gift I could possibly have given myself

        • The original Scarlett

          I was nervous as heck, they gave me a double dose of Valium ((or whenever nerve calming Rx, can’t recall exactly), I swore it wasn’t working but I got through it fine (you woman up in the chair), and it’s he best most life changing thing I ever did. Hearty second to do it sooner.

        • MJ

          The eye surgery was the coolest part. First, take the valium in advance. Then they just do some drops to numb you, and then it’s literally like the beginning of star wars–black with white streaks. My doctor talked to me during it, and it was done in three minutes–LIFE CHANGING. DO IT.

          But pay for the best, most well known surgeon in your area–don’t Groupon it.

        • Anon

          It’s really not bad. Feels similar to that glaucoma test they do with the thing up to your eyeball, but obviously a little longer.

    • Cb

      To my post college San Francisco self, stop going into Mollie Stone for groceries. You don’t make enough money to buy artisanal yoghurt and gourmet frozen cookie dough, which TBH, you will never cook.
      To my past and present self, never buy unframed art!

      • Coach Laura

        Yes I love unframed art. I’ve picked up art from trips to England, Moscow, Chicago, and getting them framed is expensive but makes me happy to look at any of them. Bringing them home in a tube or flat in a suitcase works well.

    • anon

      Only one came immediately to my mind:

      – if your skin bothers you, go to a doctor.

      I spent way too long suffering through acne and trying random products when some relatively straightforward topical prescriptions could decrease my breakouts by 75+ percent.

      • pugsnbourbon

        + a million! Don’t wait until you get such a painful stress breakout that you can’t smile for two weeks!

    • AIMS

      Take really good care of your skin and teeth.
      Start wearing a good bra earlier.
      Learn to like exercise.
      Learn to drive.
      Take the time to paint your walls, you’ll end up staying longer than you think.

      • Cb

        OMG, learn to drive. I’ve been putting off getting a license in the UK and it would have made this whole lockdown so much easier if my husband wasn’t the only driver.

      • Annie

        100% on that and esp walls. I hace stayed far longer than I expected not a bad thing, just longer.

    • Diana Barry

      If you drink less often, you can get drunk on fewer drinks! It’s cheaper!

      Tell that boy you like him!

    • anon

      +1 to leave your eyebrows alone and tell that boy you like him!

      Also you don’t have to be friends with people who don’t make you feel good about yourself.

    • Ses

      Yeah, but what if it’s a sliding door situation and you end up with a different life because of your eyebrow decisions ;)
      haha okay, I would say:
      – go outdoors more, you’re always happier when you do
      – always pay into retirement savings and get full matching, even if you think the job you’re at is short-medium term
      – don’t buy anything even mildly ill-fitted, you will never wear it

    • Anon

      Stop buying 3/4 length sleeve shirts and dresses, no matter how cute the rest of it is. For reasons unbeknownst to me even now, I really really dislike them on me and feel meh whenever I wear the ones I have.

    • The Beagle Has Landed

      – Definitely, leave your eyebrows alone
      – Always wear sunscreen, your 50’s skin will thank you!
      – Grieve and move on after a break-up, and probably don’t stay “friends” with the ex

      • Katie

        – Go to therapy!
        – Don’t be ashamed of asking for help when you need it.
        – Contribute to your retirement even at your first job when you can’t “afford” to.
        – Buy way less stupid clothing in college – shopping should not be a hobby, especially in small town Midwest where there’s nothing worth buying anyway.
        – Get laser hair removal as soon as you can afford it. It will save a lot of effort down the road.

        • Vicky Austin

          Oh my god yes, GO TO THERAPY YOUNG VICKY. It was free at college; why did I not go every chance I got!

    • Anonymous in Texas

      Don’t succumb to pressures to try to look like everyone else. Be yourself. I never bought that luxury handbag that everyone carries and I’m so glad I didn’t. I don’t even think they’re pretty! I see women carrying them every day at work and I just have to laugh. What you do with your money is your business, of course, but I know one women can’t even pay her rent but she has that bag. I would never say it to her face, but I just think it’s so silly.

    • Anonymous

      – You don’t always have to be the last person to leave a party. So many bad decisions of my college/grad school days could have been avoided if I just went home earlier.

    • LifeScienceMBA

      – When making decisions about a new job, move, project – think about what new options this will provide you with in the future. Then say YES to stretch assignments/projects and NO to stuff that’s more of the same.

      – Do more corporate internships while in college, don’t spend all your summers doing research or lounging.

      – Learn about finance topics early. Learn about diversifying your assets.

      – It’s ok not to increase your spending even if your salary increases. You don’t need designer clothes or jewelry just because you can afford it.

    • Anon

      Create an alternate email for shopping and junk mail, and never, ever give out your personal email address to anyone else. Periodt.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        I started unsubscribing from things probably a year and a half ago and I still wake up with a ton of emails.

        I use my burner email for here for some of that crap, but not all of it.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Oh this is fun:
      – Mom was right about the silver eyeshadow.
      – Put the crimper down. It’s 2003. You’re gonna burn your fingers anyway.
      – Stop buying clothes just because they’re $5/on deep clearance.

    • Not that Anne, the other Anne

      -Dye your hair pink-purple earlier. It was awesome to have pink-purple hair and literally no one cared that you did it, not even your mom.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Don’t buy all those new suits and work clothes in February 2020 for your busy year of work travel and trials… :-/

    • Anon

      Crew necks and boat necks and bateau necks are not a good look on short, busty women. Go for the v!

    • cbackson

      No matter how much you’d like your personal style to be structured and 1940s-inspired a la Katherine Hepburn, your true fashion vibe is 1960s/70s a la Talitha Getty.

    • anon

      – Don’t bother growing out your hair. You won’t feel like yourself and will cut it off anyway.
      – Be smarter when shopping for clothes. Just stop with the sale racks. Buy what you actually like, even if you have to pay full price and not have as many pieces.
      – You will regret that gallery wall. You are not a gallery wall person; just don’t.

      • Formerly Lilly

        Mine is the opposite: quit getting a chic short haircut – it looks great but you don’t see “you” when you look in the mirror and you’re going to be unhappy with it from about four weeks out until you grow it back down past shoulder length. Every frickin time.

      • Anonymous

        Ha! For me it’s bangs. Stop looking at all those people with cute bangs. Your hair is so thin, they just don’t work. They’ll either look too wispy or they’ll cut them so super wide that you look like a crazy country star.. And start growing them out again immediately. Every. darn. time.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        My hair is growing out due to COVID and I hate it. It isn’t me, I’ve had short hair almost my entire life (except for during junior and senior year of high school), and seriously I look like I have a mullet. But I missed the window in which I would have felt OK getting a haircut in my state so now I’m SOL until cases go back down. I cut my bangs last week because they were in my eyes but otherwise I’m worried about cutting my own hair and screwing it up.

    • cold brew

      Fun topic!

      -start a good skincare routine (sunscreen, etc.) early
      -spend less on “going out” and more on travel and experiences
      -start saving for retirement younger, even if it’s a tiny amount, to get in the habit earlier
      -stop buying clothes and shoes just because they’re cheap because you want a carrie bradshaw-like closet

    • The original Scarlett

      I plan to put that exact eyebrow advice in my obit for future generations. I did not listen to my grandmother on that one.

      • The original Scarlett

        No coffee yet, referencing don’t pluck out your eyebrows no matter what is trendy.

    • Anon

      Don’t get back together with high school boyfriend senior year. That two week break up should have been the forever break up. Now that you didn’t get back together with boyfriend, make out with that cute boy from the other school. You two totally had a thing going on. Date your male BFF after not getting back together with BF. You two are just going to end up making out in college anyway.

      I do wonder butterfly effect style how my life would have been different if I had done those things though. With my life the way it happened, I met my husband just as I was finally forever breaking up with high school boyfriend freshmen year of college. If we had broken up sooner or if I was dating other guys I should have dated instead of high school boyfriend, maybe we wouldn’t have ended up together which would have been tragic!

      Also, if 1995-1999 had been 2015-2020, report your friend’s brother for the inappropriate touching.

      • Ellen

        I agree with all of this. When I was in DC, men I met were were able to touche me b/c I did not know any better and was told that they were harmless old farts that would not do anything more downstairs w/o my consent. Now, even talking about it would get them in trouble. If I was smart back then, I would have spoken up, but in the end I got a good job, so that is what counts, and now, I know how to handle Frank, who rareley does more than poke at my boobies with his pencil, tho since the pandemic, he can only see my boobies on Zoom.

    • Curious

      It is not a moral failing to buy non-dairy milks just because you can’t recycle tetra pack. It makes you so much happier to have milk you can drink. Buy it.

      Similarly, splurge on the berries. Berries are great.

      Stop wearing so much black!

      Hats and scarves are great and you rock them even when they’re not trendy. Trust yourself and wear them more!

      Wear rash guards and tankinis. It’s just not worth feeling self conscious about your belly when you want to play in the water!

      Buy a new pair of gym shoes. The old ones are worn out, dammit.

      • Anon

        Haha I’m the opposite — stop trying to make yourself wear colors when all you really want is to wear black!

      • Vicky Austin

        Splurge on the berries – YAS. Fresh berries are an underrated delight.

    • Anon

      Do not squander your 20’s pining after a guy who does not love you. He’s not that great.

      • Curious

        Yessssssss

        But do get mad at him when you finally break up and go on lots of dates and find your husband :)

        • Monday

          We were supposed to keep this thread trivial! No husband-meeting advice! (I’m being silly, this is not an actual call out of any kind.)

          But I’d definitely be up for hearing all the serious-life changing advice people would give their younger selves too.

          • Thanks, it has pockets!

            I’d meant to post a similar discussion thread about just that today! And then I forgot. It’s been on my mind a lot, having seen some old FB statuses in my daily memories from a time I let a jerk ruin my summer.

      • Anon

        I love my (current) boyfriend so much and I don’t know if I’d want to redo my 20s because what if I never found him, but there is one on-and-off for five whole years relationship I’d love to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind if I could.

        • Thanks, it has pockets!

          Are you me? I also had an on/off thing with a guy for about five years (although it was never fully “on,” even when he said he loved me he never committed, in fact I suspect I may have been a side piece at some points) and looking back I can’t believe I spent more than a few nights with him.

          I love my boyfriend and I don’t regret the decisions that led me to him, but after a couple years with this guy, I started to realize why it didn’t work out with anyone else, and I do regret getting so worked up over guys who weren’t right for me, and weren’t good for me. I look back and identify the moments I should have walked away from all those relationships. I could probably write a whole book about it.

    • Anne

      You are an 8.5 wide shoe size. Stop buying 9s and thinking they’ll work. They don’t. And buy birks now! Yes, you don’t think you’re a birks person but you are actually and you’ll be so comfortable.

    • Anon

      I like tell the boy you like him! I had sooo many crushes who had no idea and I wonder what would have happened if I’d put myself out there more!

      Um, I wouldn’t change much honestly. Maybe do sneak out of work and shop the sample sales in New York in your early twenties? (Opposite of what others are saying). Those clothes will be awesome and you’ll pull them out for years (I really do!) and you won’t always live in New York (and sample sales won’t be the same in 15 years anyways!)

      It’s okay to read romance novels – try them out :)

      • Anon

        I did this (combo fed for a while) and it was really the best decision. I was exclusively formula fed when I was a baby, and I have a pile of degrees from top schools and a wall of athletic medals. If it hindered my intellectual or physical development, no one can tell.

      • Anon Probate Atty

        Yes! I about killed myself trying to nurse, and thought I was the worst mother ever for not being able to make it work.

    • Anon

      -your period isn’t supposed to hurt that much. Seeking treatment isn’t a moral failing.
      -your gut is 100% right about the creepy priest, keep avoiding him
      -traveling on college breaks seems expensive but is completely worth it
      -just buy and wear the clothes you like. There’s no magical combination that gets people to stop speculating about your orientation.

      • edj3

        Similarly, your period should have start and stop days and you should have days w/o one. I waited far too long to get that addressed which meant I was constantly anemic most of my life.

    • Lovely idea

      – If your boyfriend isn’t kind, ditch him.
      – You don’t need more lip gloss. You hate lipgloss. Blistex is your friend.
      – There is no such thing as reaching out to a therapist too often. If you need to talk, make an appointment, and get that load off your chest.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t stop going to the beach and pool because the world told you are fat when you hit size 6.

    • Anonymous

      Develop some good routines for boring stuff and stick to them — filing important papers, doing your tax return on time, managing your investments — an hour or so a month is better than multiple days to clean out your home office full of stuff.
      Use a password manager — your memory is not as good as you think it is.

    • NYNY

      girl, you look good – don’t be afraid to show that midriff or wear the tight dress. no one else is judging you as hard as you judge you!

      and if some jerk is judging you that hard, you have no f*cks to give

      if what you’re feeling for that guy is just lust, go with it. no need to torture yourself pining away for him to love you. bang him and be happy!

    • Patricia Gardiner

      Don’t try to have a long-distance relationship for most of college and miss out on the college dating scene!! Like, what were you thinking??

    • Anon

      Find cookbooks written by people from places like Oklahoma.

      (Bear with me.) I love to cook and have the problem of finding recipes with all these persnickety ingredients. What I’ve found is that people like The Pioneer Woman and Kate of Cookie + Kate have good recipes with ingredients that are not $10 for a tsp that is used once. It may very well be a function of having lived in places like Oklahoma, where you can’t exactly go to six different specialty food shoppes to find everything you need.

    • Anon

      The perm is a mistake
      You are not fat
      Stop wearing all those sacks
      You are not fat
      Don’t get another perm

    • Anon

      Don’t put your birth year in your email address.
      If someone makes you feel stupid on purpose or tries to hurt or embarrass you, for the love of god, LEAVE. Even if he’s cute. Even if you love spending time with him when he’s not mean. Not. Worth. It.
      Therapy. It’s not just for crazy people.
      Plan for your next step.
      Even though you’re sure you’re going to law school, do not major in polisci if you don’t care about politics. Major in public administration since that always seemed interesting.
      Don’t say yes to letting your manipulative “best friend” live with you for four months because they didn’t plan ahead to find their own apartment.
      Buy the flowers.
      Accept that you’re ase$ual. Just accept it. It’s fine. Don’t date if it makes you want to throw up.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      – Stop using that OTC stuff on your face and go to a dermatologist about your acne. Turned out my skin is stupid and doesn’t like benzoyl peroxide and salicylic acid. Also, tea tree oil is NOT “quacky” and will make a big difference for your skin. BUT ALSO, ditch that jerk who’s embarrassed to be seen with you because of your acne. He’s an idiot and he’s not worth the stress.

      – Stop buying your work clothes at H&M, shop the sales at Ann Taylor and WHBM. You might spend a little more per piece but they’ll last a lot longer, and you’ll look and feel much more professional at work.

      – Fitness is more fun than you think, and you do have room for it in your schedule, take up barre and spin classes.

      – Stop wasting time on guys who aren’t right for you. They all seem great in the beginning, but if a relationship isn’t making you feel good about yourself, walk away. Even the good guys aren’t worth the headaches if you’re not right for each other.

      – That little coupe may seem great because it’s easier to park, but don’t forget how rough the roads get in the winter. Step away from the Honda dealership and go test drive some Subarus.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        For me, it was “When you hate everything about your barre studio, stop paying for a membership.” I loved barre for about a year and a half, but my studio then went from a healthy atmosphere to espousing a lot of really problematic beliefs once the owner of the studio started their own “diet reset” company. “Get your bikini bod!” “Stop eating trash, eat our suggested meal plans instead (Available for $20 in our store!)” etc.

  3. How Would Your Life Change?

    Whether you see this question as a guarantee, a likelihood, or a fantasy game, please play along without it turning into politics-

    If we found out today that the whole world was to be locked down for the next full year, what would you change or plan or do differently? (This can be anything from behavior to home to financial to whatever!)

    • Cat

      since our jobs can be done 100% WFH, we’d try out living at the beach for a year. Prettiness aside, something about the magnitude of the ocean puts a lot into perspective.

    • Tea/Coffee

      I define lockdown as all but the most essential businesses and workers are shuttered, no schools, etc.
      -if it’s 12 months from today, that means the entire upcoming school year is toast. I would probably pull my kids from public school NOW in favor of a full year of homeschooling.
      -full lockdown means I wouldn’t be going into the office 2x/week, which makes homeschooling slightly more possible.
      -I would probably start mapping out a reasonable way to use leave in a regular, systematic way… like taking every tuesday off or half-days on Tues/Thurs or something. I am already very close to burnout.
      -I don’t think that we would go live somewhere else, rent a beach house, etc bc we would be losing our pandemic-bubble families, who have been SO KEY to maintaining sanity. We’re already planning to do holidays together this winter.
      -I would definitely be dyeing my hair, permanently not semi-permanently :-)

      • Anon

        I agree on the time off planning — I’ve already been considering taking time off differently especially in fall/spring — more weekly opportunities to get outside and bike, hike, etc. or just sit outside in the morning with coffee and some reading. We have the kind of architecture and planning that makes it easy to interact with people while being physically distanced ( denser city neighborhood) and I’m finding “porch to street” daily interactions bring me closer to my neighborhood and make me feel less isolated.

    • MagicUnicorn

      I would create a master schedule of things to upgrade and renovate in my house and yard, plan out the costs, what is dependent on other projects, prioritize everything, order the necessary supplies, and then jump in.

      Oh, wait, that’s what I’m doing now. I would kinda like being guaranteed I could stay home for another entire year. Wish it wasn’t due to a global pandemic infecting and killing people, though.

      • anon

        Be careful what you wish for. My employer is planning for the next year with only a fraction of people at the office. Because of my job, I am not in that fraction. It’s a lot to process.

      • Senior Attorney

        This is basically what we’re doing. We’re still going to work but I’m pretty sure we won’t be going anywhere else for the next year or so.

    • Anon

      Buy an aquarium, plants, fish. I’m hesitant to spend the money and add to my responsibilities — it’s a lot of work! But I spent very little money while on lockdown in March/April, and if I thought this would continue, I could be fine with this now

    • Anonymous

      I guess for the first time in my life, I’d join the “resistance,” whatever that turns out to be. Not politicizing it, but there is a point where you stand and fight for what you believe in.

    • Cb

      I’d smuggle my parents into the country and bubble somewhere in the country side. Or find another family to bubble with.

    • Diana Barry

      Not a lot different! We’ve already been doing that since March.

      I would probably decamp to the ocean for a few weeks. We could even consider bringing the cats and staying for longer…

    • Anon

      My life wouldn’t really change. Daycares in my state were open even during the lockdown, and that’s the only thing we’ve been doing that’s not staying home. My husband is 100% against travel/restaurants/gyms/hair salons etc until our entire family has been vaccinated, and I think the best case scenario for that is ~12 months from now (I think vaccines will be available for high risk people earlier, but we’re not high risk). I guess if there was a ban on non-essential travel we wouldn’t be able to see my family at the holidays (my parents live a 6 hour drive so we were planning to take a multi-week break from daycare in December and see them then). All our other family lives a plane flight away so fall ’21 is the earliest we would possibly see them anyway.

    • anon

      I’d shell out to (modestly) renovate my kitchen to make it more useable. We are new homeowners in a HCOL area and COVID has been great for our savings. Knowing we could travel or pay for hobbies or go to bars for another year would give us financial security to devote more money to the house. As it is, we are leaving the option open to resume those things as society comes back on line.

      And buy a few plush area rugs that have been low on the priority list but would move up the list when it starts getting COLD.

      • Sunshine

        Buy it today! I’ve been spinning for over a decade, but stopped when gyms closed (and won’t return even though gyms are now open). My Peloton arrived in June, and I absolutely love it as much as my friends said I would. The convenience of having a spin bike in my house with excellent classes has been a game-changer as I live in the miserably hot part of the country and don’t want to go outside, but need really hard workouts. I didn’t buy anything other than the bike from them (not the shoes, weights, heartrate monitor, etc).

    • Anon

      Buy new hiking boots today, since I hike lots more while WFH. Just convinced myself I should go do this whether the year scenario is reality or not. Hiking is my happy place these days.

      • Katie

        I’d buy a Peloton. I’d also decamp to a cabin in the woods (provided there’s WiFi so I can work remotely). Plant a bigger garden to feed myself and give me something to do.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t do a lot different than I’m doing now. We’ve kind of worked out our happy place. I’d consider renting a place to move my parents closer to us for the year so we could handle more of their high risk things. Though my husband is an essential worker that has to work out of the house a couple of times / week. His job has been great about letting him flex his out of house days so he can have a solid week or two home before I travel to see my high risk parents each time they’ve needed help. If I moved them here I don’t think I’d be able to see them more indoors because of my husband’s job but they could definitely come sit on our deck with us or go for a walk.

      We are re-doing some of our floors now so we’ve got that upgrade out of the way. The one big upgrade we keep putting off is landscaping our yard and getting a new porch. We obviously mow the lawn and stuff but our bushes are just old and overgrown and we don’t have nice plants and flowers like our neighbors. I’d want to get all of that professionally done since we would be home to enjoy it.

      Lastly, I’d like to try my hand at growing some veggies.

      • Anonymous

        Not much different, except to get a little better about a routine.

        I’ve already started the process to turn my garage into a woman cave with a bar/stools we aren’t using, for winter socially-distanced drinks and a place to go if I need to get out of the house. The fire pit is arriving today too!

    • Anonymous

      If the whole world were going to be on lockdown for the next year, I’d have confidence that we’d get the virus under control and would start planning for a return to something resembling normalcy at the end of that year. I’d be booking a big vacation and preparing to buy a new house when the lockdown was lifted.

      As things stand, there’s no end in sight. My family is already planning to live as though we are locked down until at least the end of the 2020/2021 school year, and we can’t really plan for what comes after that. We’ve already canceled all our gym memberships and classes, registered our teenager for virtual school and pulled her out of her sport, arranged to WFH, and purchased home exercise equipment and athleisure wear. I’d like to buy an espresso machine, some paddleboards, and new bikes and DIY some home maintenance projects. If we had unlimited funds I’d probably buy a camping trailer for safe getaways and a pickup truck to tow it. Otherwise we are already pretty well set for lockdown.

      • AIMS

        +1. I find this pandemic really hard to plan for because my job is rushing to get back to normal as soon as it can. If I knew I’d be hunkering down for the foreseeable future I would def prepare better.

        • NYNY

          My job just keeps saying “we don’t know when we’ll be back in the office.” Just tell us we’ll be home for the next 2-6 months (at least) and we can plan our lives! It’s maddening.

    • Coach Laura

      We’re already trying to sell our house but if we do, we could go anywhere. So that is a wish, pandemic or not.

      If we have to stay here, we are already trying to get a slip for our sailboat on a local lake. Should be doable and then we can sail all year, even in December.

      I’m also getting new cross-country skis and equipment. My old equipment is from 1982 and I haven’t skied regularly since I had kids 29 years ago. Seattle in the winter is so wet and snow in the mountains is the only upside. So I’m hoping to have this as a weekend escape as the hiking, kayaking and cycling are this summer. Of course, the local trails may be too crowded, sadly, but we’ll see.

    • Anon

      I would refuse to look for a new job and start my own business… which is what I’ve done because I think we’re in this for another year.

      I’m immunocompromised so that affects my plans.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I’m high risk, so I have the feeling this is me regardless of what is going on so I plan on doing these things this fall:
      – Figure out how to rearrange my apartment to create a more defined “office” space.
      – Paint the wall behind my bed pink. My apartment will have to repaint once I’m gone anyway because I’ll have been there 3 years (the prorated paint period for my complex) so I might as well make my room what I want it to be.
      – Get a new bedframe because I hate mine.
      – Keep saving really aggressively so I have a solid emergency fund when we’re back to normal.
      – Get pre-approved for a home loan so I can at least look for condos to buy even though it’s not in the cards right now.
      – Buy a printer with a feeder for copying and scanning.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I just painted our bedroom pink – Persian Pearl from Lowe’s. It’s so pretty, and definitely a “grown-up” pink.

  4. Social Media

    Is there anyone here with a big (10k+) social media following? I am finding that more conferences want this minimum before they will short list for speakers. I’ve never cared about followers before but knowing I need to in order to do my work, I am trying to learn the ropes quickly. Would love insights or tips from those with experience, as reading search results gives either generic info or opposing guidance!

    • Anonymous

      Are you talking about paid keynote speakers or panel presenters? For regular panel presenters, that seems like an odd requirement.

    • Cb

      That is really strange, what kind of conferences are these? Are you sure your organisational accounts won’t suffice for follower accounts?

      • Yikes

        yeah I’d side-eye at who’s running these conferences and what they actually want from presenters. knowledgeable professionals or clout-chasing instagram influencers?

        (also you can buy 10k instagram followers with little to no effort. I guarantee they’re not cross-checking)

      • Anonymous

        My organization’s accounts don’t even come close to 10K followers. Is this the Goop lifestyle conference or something like that?

    • Kitten

      It is very inexpensive to buy Instagram followers. Obviously doing so is super lame, but I would understand it if you are just trying to reach a minimum requirement for a non-social media purpose. Having more followers will lend you more “credibility”, which will result in more real followers as well.

    • social media

      I agree with the other commenters that this is an odd requirement for all but blogHER or influencer-focused conferences. But to answer your actual question, here’s a few quick wins:

      – People can follow you on LinkedIn without being connected to you, but the follower count won’t show up unless you post status updates or articles semi-frequently. Go post a link or status update and your followers should immediately show up.

      – You have to post regularly. Yes, you can just buy followers as suggested if you need to hit a minimum, but if you’re actually looking to get value out of it, you need to actually engage. If you’re not an IG influencer or food/lifestyle blogger, then I recommend focusing on LinkedIn, maybe Twitter. The two platforms are very different, so you can’t just re-use the same content in both places in the same way. If you DO choose to use the exact same content, you need to include a different comment or description with the LinkedIn status update so that it will drive engagement. I’d start by posting 1x/week on LinkedIn to get in the habit. You need to post at least 1x/day on Twitter to gain traction (again, unless you post super controversial/flame-worthy content or you buy followers).

      – To drive engagement on LinkedIn, use long status updates that don’t link off the platform or LinkedIn articles. You can share up to 1,300 characters as a status update, so posting a question, debate prompt, or personal experience with an applicable take-away tend to do well for reactions and comments, which increases the views, which leads to followers. Long-form articles can be thousands of words and then you can also share them as status updates.

      – I work in marketing and I speak at marketing conferences. The organizers do care a bit about followers, but they care more about publishing and where else you’ve spoken (size, prestige, and presentation type are all factors). I don’t have a massive social media following, but I’ve managed to publish in some higher-profile outlets in my field. It sounds like these organizers are incorrectly using raw social media following as a proxy for influence and credibility. If you can show that you have influence and credibility in other ways, that will usually satisfy the requirement. If they’re just looking at follower counts, they clearly have no idea how social media works, what actually makes a good addition to the line-up, etc. I totally get it if you have to play by these stupid rules to get accepted to speak, but again, as someone who works in marketing, raw follower count is a useless marker all on its own (and even if you DO want to just focus on social media, look at engagement!).

    • Anonymous

      I know nothing about this stuff, but my mom friend/aquaintence (my daughter’s best friend’s mom) has 100k instagram followers. I honestly had no idea she even had instagram. She’s some kind of home decor instagrammer. (FWIW I thought it was funny when I found out because her entire house *really is that perfect*. Even the dirty parts look cute and fancy.)

    • Alice

      This is a very odd requirement for a speaker, perhaps industry specific. I am
      So sorry to hear about your predicament.

  5. Marilla

    Like most people, I’ve been working from home since March. I usually work at the dining room table on the main floor but we have old chairs that we inherited and are not so comfy. Fine for meals, but not for working for hours. Are there any genius products that will help make a dining chair more ergonomic for work? Or is my best option to add an office chair to my dining room? I’m going to be working from home for the indefinite future so I want to get myself set up properly after all these months of getting by.
    (I don’t really have an option of working in a different room – I occasionally use our basement office but I don’t want to be there all day. My husband works in our bedroom.)

    • Anon

      Get an office chair for the dining room. There are soooo many options and they’re not that expensive. I got mine at Wayfair and it’s fine.

    • Wool rug from yesterday

      Is the table rectangular? Get a pair of comfy upholstered (or slipcovered) dining chairs for each end of the table. A parsons style goes with a lot of other styles.

      I love the look of contrasting “host” chairs. But you might consider replacing all of them in case social distancing ever ends because uncomfortable chairs make for lousy dinner parties.

      • Marilla

        Yeah, my plan is to replace them when we move or renovate. That was going to start in March but is now on hold probably for another 6 months.

      • Anonymous

        This. I bought some upholstered parsons chairs from Target for each end and even those are a significant upgrade at our dining table desk than the matching wooden dining chairs.

    • anon

      I added a pillow to the dining room chair, it was just an inch too low. I also alternate between two chairs and a balance ball over the day, which helps greatly.

  6. MagicUnicorn

    Anyone in the size 14/pear category have joggers or similar pants they like? With WFH confirmed through the end of the year, I want something more comfortable than jeans and a bit more intentional then my pajama pants. Thanks!

  7. Anna

    I am in a pickle. A mentor of mine volunteered me as secretary for a project, a commitment that is more than I expected and more than I currently want. I did not feel comfortable saying no because he was helping me with other projects. Now my project is over, but my volunteering seems to be never ending. Constant emails, frequent phone calls, onerous meetings (3 plus hours, several times a month), writing up minutes, being told that I did not do it correctly, etc. I do not want this work, and I definitely do not have time for this right now either. I accepted because I knew it would be difficult to fill the position during a pandemic and I wanted to support my mentor instead of leaving him in a crunch. Unfortunately, we are nowhere near the end of this crisis mode, and I no longer have band width to do this. I told my mentor this multiple times (monthly). He said thank you for your hard work, and we will see how we can support you more. I volunteered someone else to do the work, which he agreed to. The group then kicked that person out after their first and only meeting. I was later advised that my conduct in seeking an outsider to assist for this work was disrespectful and dishonoring of the group. I do not know what to do anymore. The stress is decreasing my concentration and affecting my performance at my actual job, as I never know when a difficult email or phone call is coming, and after receiving these I am left stunned. I do not want to sabotage my relationship with this mentor, but I am truly running out of options. I have tried leaning out, but I just need this to be done. However, I wonder what the consequences of will be severing this mentorship relationship on unfortunate terms. Any help or wise counsel is welcomed…

    • TCF

      I would call mentor and explain that due to work commitments you need to step away from this project in two weeks [or whatever seems reasonable to you]. Thank him for the opportunity, it’s been a pleasure, etc. But unfortunately you simply don’t have additional time. You’re thrilled you were able to handle it so well/on budget/on time. You are happy to help with transition over next 2 weeks before you step away completely. Follow up with email confirmation and then stick to your guns! Easier said than done but it sounds like you have done your job and they are now taking advantage of your generosity.

    • Anon

      Is this a project done outside of work, for example, a fundraising event for a non-profit?

      If so, you send in a letter of resignation effective in a month. Then you follow through.

      You are “stuck” doing this because everyone else is terrible at it or has the good sense to leave and ignore entreaties to stay. Resign. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. If the work is that onerous, they should be paying for it.

    • Anonymous

      You have to just resign. Pick a date and send a formal letter noting that you have enjoyed your time but your current work obligations in your actual job do not allow you to continue with the position. They will push back and you will have to hold firm.

      • Cat

        +1, you could also note that “as you know, I agreed to serve as secretary for Project X; I was happy to provide that support but as that work has concluded I will be stepping back as planned.”

    • Anon

      I’m usually in favor of honesty, but these people aren’t dealing fairly with you. Can you invent a health crisis (not life-threatening but involving time-consuming appointments) in order to get out of these time commitments? What you’re describing sounds awful.

    • The Original ...

      Gently, I think the relationship is already damaged because you have repeatedly told this person your situation and they have repeatedly ignored you. Your attempt to self-help was thwarted when the group kicked that person out. They all know you are drowning because they’ve told you that you were disrespectful in asking for help or to hand things off. These people are not your friends, these people are disrespectful, they are dishonoring you, and they are not valuing you whatsoever.

      At this point, there is nothing to salvage here and you need to simply send an email of resignation, effective immediately. If you have access to the email account, set up forwarding to someone else. If they have your phone number, set your voicemail to say that, if someone is calling for x, the person to call is now y with y’s number.

      Gently but firmly, enough is enough. They are vampires and are sucking the life out of your time, your thoughts, and your paid job. They aren’t clueless, you’ve been vocal and clear (yay for you!!), you have to stop this and the only way is to cut it off. Your mentor may need time to process before coming back ground or you may find out that your mentor isn’t as invested in your success as they once were or as you thought they were.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this and I am preemptively proud of you for loving yourself enough to prioritize your health, your wellbeing, and your career ahead of those who mistreat you <3

    • Anonymous

      “I’m no longer available to help with this project which dramatically exceeds my original commitment. The next meeting is my last. I am forwarding you all my emails about this and following that meeting will not be available.”

      And then do that. This isn’t a mentor it is a bully.

    • Anon

      Also, I would question whether the mentor had your best interests at heart in volunteerIng you at the outset. Being secretary on a project is rarely a career building move.

    • Anon

      It’s very interesting (to me at least) that they expressed that your seeking an outsider was disrespectful and dishonoring, but not so much so that they relieved you of your duties. Like, they just frankly wanted to lambaste you while also continuing to use your free labor. I think they are taking advantage of your good will and professionalism.
      F that.
      All of the recommendations above apply here. Get out and stand firm. You need a new mentor pronto.
      Be well and stay strong.

    • Anna

      You are all so confident and thoughtful. Your advice is truly appreciated. I will give these a try, and follow up to let you know how this unfolds. Thank you all!

  8. Gaitergate (aka Buffs)

    For those interested, actual aerosol scientists are skeptical of the results in that gaiter mask study. https://slate.com/technology/2020/08/gaiter-study-flawed.html I follow Linsey Marr @linseymarr (prof of engineering at VTech, expert on airborne viruses) and she responded to this study with some comments about how unspecific the results were. Consensus seems to be this study actually didn’t prove much of anything about gaiters/buffs one way or another.

    In other news, U of Florida researchers just published (important caveat, pre-print, not yet peer-reviewed) that live virus can be collected up to 16 feet away (collected; does not mean proved to be able to infect people at that distance).

    NY times article: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/11/health/coronavirus-aerosols-indoors.html
    Pre-print: https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2020.08.03.20167395v1

    • Anon

      MIT had a study in March that it could be collected 24 feet away, but yeah collected != infectious. Also remember that it exponentially decreases the further you get away from someone, which means even if it can possibly travel 20+ feet, keeping a 6+ foot distance away will greatly reduce the amount of virus you’re exposed to. Lower viral load is important – you’re less likely to get sick and if you do get sick you’re more likely to have mild illness (one of the reasons masks may protect you to some degree, even if not perfectly – they reduce the viral load reaching your mouth and nose).

    • Microbiologist

      Yeah, I read the mask paper and it was clearly a paper on their method of measuring droplets, not really a study on how well masks worked. They only measured one person for most of the masks. But I think one of the important points was that it was POSSIBLE that gaiters could actually increase the number of small droplets, which I don’t think anyone had suggested before and that they certainly weren’t doing a good job of filtering droplets, which would be pretty obvious to anyone using them precisely because they’re really easy to breathe though. A “real” mask made of the same minimal fabric would probably have the same effect and a bandana didn’t do very well either. It needs to be more densely constructed to be effective, which is pretty obvious, and the idea behind this paper is that you could use this method to test masks more widely since there’s a lot of variation in materials and they way they fit different people. I wouldn’t wear a buff for anything other than pretending to care about covering your face because it’s not doing much.

    • Anon

      Buff and other companies do not recommend or manufacture their products to serve as masks. I don’t know why this is so hard to get or why you are so eager to dismiss the study based on one critic’s read that it wasn’t specific enough.

      • Anonymous

        No fabric mask makers claim that they are effective either. They can’t be marketed for medical reasons. They are all mere face coverings. N-95 is the gold standard, but we save them for health workers.

        • Anon

          At least those cloth mask are tight weave, double layer, etc – as CDC recommends. Buffs are not.

          • Anonymous

            Buffs are like origami paper, you can double and fold them to be dense and tight.

          • Anon

            I have about 7 different varieties of cloth masks (all of them double layer), and they really vary in their weave and fit to how tight they are on my face without using a “spacer” to tighten them behind my head or some fashion tape over the nose to keep them tight. My surgical masks (and let’s be clear, they are from Amazon and I have no way of knowing if they are true surgical quality or not) are non-woven material, not cloth. None of these are certified PPE. All the scientists are saying in the pushback about the buffs study is that they are totally unconvinced by the statement “buffs are worse than other masks” or “buffs are ineffective” because it’s based on one user and there is no information about how that user actually wore the mask; and that wasn’t the point of the study. That’s all.

    • Anon

      Our 7 yo son used gaiters the entire summer during camp, but then we read some things that they are not that effective. So we asked him to switch to a regular mask, and he did. Not everything has to be big and dramatic. Coronavirus is new. We learn as we go. If good science suggests a new (not onerous) direction, we take it.

      • Anon

        I agree with this. If little kids on their scooters can wear a mask and shout to their friends and enjoy life still, adults can too. If you can’t exercise with one on because it’s too hot, it’s on you to get up early, drive farther, or do whatever it takes to ensure you don’t put others at risk. I see a lot of runners without masks running two abreast on narrow paths here (or on singletrack) and that isn’t fair to the 80%+ who are wearing masks.

        • Anonymous

          +1, There were too many people my usual walking time to effectively social distance, so I changed time slots. We all need to try to protect each other by being flexible.

      • Anon

        This attitude is so refreshing. I have to think that it’s good for your kid too – way to work on resilience!

  9. Mathy

    Looking for some lighthearted, online team engagement activities. I work with mostly young career analysts and we used to have a high table in the corner of our floor with a jigsaw puzzle on it. In the Before Times a few of us would grab coffee and sit over there for ten minutes and put the puzzle together while just chatting. I know there are online jigsaw puzzles — maybe we could do that together? Any other similar ideas?

    • anon

      Drawasaurus is a quick little online game, also there are also ways to play Set online.

    • fallen

      We played pictionary and two truths and a live over Zoom and it was a ton of fun!

    • JB

      We did a team scavenger hit where people had to run around and collect items based on a series of prompts. Each prompt had about 8 items that needed to be gathered in 2 minutes. Prompts were things like alive, fluffy, board game, foreign currency, has wheels, expired, condiments, etc. It was fun to see what people brought back and then challenge the items that didn’t align well to the prompt. Not a quiet chit chat game, but it was a lot of fun across ages.

  10. How red of a flag?

    The most recent new mom at my mid-sized boutique firm just left. We are now 0 for ~10 in the six years I’ve been here at keeping moms (minus one partner whose spouse is a SAHP).

    As someone hoping to have kids soon… This is a pretty big red flag, right? What would you ask, or ask for, or push partners on how they plan to solve this?

    Our direct benefits like leave, etc. seem competitive with our peers that manage to keep moms. What else? Partners tend to treat each departure as anecdotal but the trend is increasingly hard to ignore.

    • Anonymous

      Are these women leaving the industry/workforce, or just going to different firms? If it’s the latter, it seems like something, perhaps less tangible than HR/benefits policy is at play.

    • Anonymous

      Not a red flag. This is a standard flag, sadly. Not just in law, but in law, it is hard everywhere. You firm probably isn’t worse than others. When I had a kid in K I may have been the senior most working mom at my firm (among lawyers). Kindergarten!

      • Anon

        +1 this is sadly standard in many industries though I imagine worse in law. I work in higher ed, which is known for good work-life balance (with low pay to match) and am the only working mom to young children on my team. The only working dad has a SAHM wife. Three women with young kids left in the four years I’ve been in my current job. There was one very senior woman in my org who was a mother, but she had a long break while her child was young and only returned to the workforce once the kid was in school. And she only has one kid (as do I). It seems like a lot of people quit after their second kid, at least that was the case with the women I worked with. So yeah, I’m going with standard flag unfortunately.

        • Anonymous

          I am the standard flag OP. I was shocked at how many SAHMs I met when my older kid went to K. Like people with JDs and MBAs. Many went to PT jobs or flex jobs, like selling real estate, at least initially. My sister (BA and MA) quit working when her kids were young because the cost of childcare and an spouse with an inflexible schedule meant she lost $ on childcare and her first year back working she got written up for absenteeism b/c she had unscheduled time off when kids were sick and couldn’t go to school. I think there is an urge to work, but it is just hard to do in traditional office settings. Doctors all were still working, many were peds working 4 days and still having a FT nanny regardless even if all kids were in school (and generally until the youngest kid could drive, so 16). Everything comes at a cost: sanity, divorce, $$$ for an on-the-books nanny. I get why many people would leave and the presence of so many women in things like MLM means that the drive didn’t go away, just a place for it in the paid workforce. And volunteering is sometimes very yay-rah, but many worth nonprofits in my city couldn’t survive without these women b/c they have no $ for a paid workforce, especially these days.

        • Anonymous

          I think there’s an invisible factor too — my former org was higher ed with great benefits and work life balance. All of the mothers with younger children who were enthusiastic and engaged even after maternity leave had husbands who were taking on substantial amounts of parenting duties and had flexible jobs themselves, and/or there were other robust support systems in a crunch (grandparents, siblings, etc.) The one young mother who we had to talk to about engagement and managing her (entry level) staff person had a husband who was … not very helpful. I left just as she had her second child and if anyone became a SAHM, I suspect it will be her.

      • Allie

        Y’all this is dramatic. I work in tech and while there are more men than women, the women did not leave after they had kids. A friend is a doctor and has kids and didn’t leave the field completely, and there are other mothers who are doctors at her hospital.I don’t know many lawyers so I can’t speak for that. Did you not grow up with working moms, and friends moms who worked as well?I grew up in the type of upper middle class family I imagine Doctors, researchers, lawyers, businesswomen

        • Anon

          I grew up in a middle class community (my family was more like upper middle class) in the Midwest in the 1980s, and there were several years my mom was the only working mother in my elementary school class. The few moms who did work tended to be in stereotypically female professions like teachers and nurses. I didn’t know any women who were lawyers, doctors or executives. I went to an elite private college and many of my friends (including quite a few with advanced degrees) now stay home. I actually think SAHM is much more common in upper class circles. It’s increasingly hard for a family of 4-5 people to live on one income and in some circles it’s something of a status symbol if dad earns enough to support several kids with the mom staying home and devoting herself to the kids and volunteer work (the volunteer work is often pretty high level, like serving on non-profit boards). Lower class families don’t have that choice; they need both adults in the house working.

          • Seventh Sister

            I grew up in the 80s in a rural-ish exurb. My neighborhood was at the lower end of the middle class (comfortable but not all fancy). Most of the dads were phone company guys, engineers, cops or state troopers, schoolteachers, general contractors (so the lower end of white-collar professionals and the upper end of blue-collar workers). While a fair number of the moms had gone to college and some had teaching or nursing degrees, plenty had not and nearly all of them stayed home. My mom was a pharmacist, and she was one of the few moms that worked at all when I was in elementary school. She got plenty of crap for it from the other moms. Her only friend was another mom who had a full-time job (clothes buyer/manager of a store).

            By the time I hit junior high and high school, most (or many) of the moms were back at work, unless their husband was making a bunch of $$$ or they had a bunch of kids (plenty of big Catholic families with 4+ kids). Most had low-level office jobs or did things like work shifts at the grocery store for the health insurance. Some were in a real financial pickle because the 1980s and 1990s were divorce central.

            My dad was way more involved with child-related stuff than most of the dads, but a big part of that was that she often worked Saturdays and he liked the extra $. All of this made me bound and determined NOT to have kids unless I found a spouse who genuinely wanted to be an equal partner (though it has taken a huge amount of work even though he is willing).

            When my kids were tiny, I felt pretty isolated in my oh-so-progressive, rather trendy, $$$$ urban neighborhood because most of the moms didn’t work full-time and I felt like a freak. It’s abated (thanks, therapy!) because I don’t really care about fitting in with the Queen Bee mommies and have found my own circle of friends.

        • Anon

          I think it’s common for upper middle class and upper class women whose husbands have high paying jobs to do this because, well, they can. Those of us who don’t have the savings or spouse with high income do keep working as it’s the only choice. Although I do think it’s common to switch to a less stressful job. For example there are way more female lawyers with kids working in house at companies doing largely similar work as they did at firms but the removed pressure of a lot of things that have nothing to do with your work product makes life more tenable. Leaving a firm means not having to meeting a certain number of billables, doing marketing, going to firm events, the research for the occasional publication, schmoozing partners to aim for partnership, hosting clients for xyz event, etc.

        • anon

          I grew up with a mom who was a doctor and a dad who was a minister. I was economically privileged, but at the time, I was pretty miserable. My mom is a bad ass, but she was constantly stressed trying to juggle being a doctor and being responsible for 90% of the household and childcare stuff (though a lot was outsourced). My dad had no boundaries and let church life and the unkind, parasitic hypocrites in our church take over our family. What I remember of my childhood is everyone being busy all the time. I was shuffled between school, after care, babysitters, and church activities for childcare. When I ate dinner with my parents, it was almost always at a restaurant, and often with other people (and if others weren’t invited, 80% of the time, someone from church would approach the table and monopolize my dad’s time).

          I am a lawyer. My husband is a SAHD for all the reasons others mention about becoming a SAHM. Honestly, with young kids, it’s the path of least resistance for one parent to stay home.

          Also, speaking of doctors vs lawyers, doctors spend a decade in school and training, and that is a really, really hard time to have a child. But when doctors finish residency/fellowship, they typically earn at least $200K, and up to $450K. There’s a huge range in what lawyers with 8 years of experience make, but many, many lawyers the same age as doctors make far less than that and can’t afford full-time nannies or the same childcare options.

    • AIMS

      Can you talk to some of the, about what made them leave? I think this is easier to address if you have their take. Like a place may have all the benefits on paper but if it’s not supportive of parental obligations, it doesn’t matter. My direct boss talks a good game on paper and it’s something I specifically discussed when we started working together and he couldn’t have been more progressive but in practice… I would say that he needs to work with childless people or those with a stay at home partner.

      • anon

        Yes, this. Benefits are only one piece of the puzzle. I would definitely take this as a waving red flag. For example: I work for a large organization with pretty amazing benefits for all. There is one team in particular that has not had a parent on it for 10+ years. And it’s no wonder. The expectations for round-the-clock availability are completely unreasonable, and the only people willing to put up with it are a) people early in their careers who are getting established; and b) a handful of people who live to work. No thanks. We’re in higher ed — the pay is not high enough to justify the expectations, and as a parent, there is no way I’d join that team even though they do interesting work and it would be a natural way to pivot my career.

    • Anon

      How to solve it depends on the exact nature of the problem. There are a host of reasons why mothers would leave a law firm in droves, and you should figure out exactly what it is. It could be that one partner or senior associate enjoys bullying new mothers by giving them artificial deadlines, weekend work, or makes disparaging comments about their abilities until they decide to find something else. The traffic might make it nearly impossible to have two working parents. Butt-in-seat expectations may not gel with the havoc a child wrecks on your morning routine.

    • How red of a flag?

      Thanks all. Some context – most have left for industry jobs, one to another firm in a different state. Rationale is a mix of “didn’t want to stay till partner anyways and this cool job came up” and directly looking for a more 9-5.

      Our hours are definitely on the higher side, partners talk a good game about creating balance but… yeah. This most recent departure is particularly concerning bc partners seemed to bend over backwards to support her – top associates on her cases, high profile work, keeping her away from the notorious sweatshop accounts. So also worried that when that didn’t work, now anyone else will be completely on their own / treated as if leaving is just a matter of time.

      I guess I’m answering my own question :/ but keep the thoughts coming, appreciate all your perspectives & experiences!!

      • Cat

        I think it’s tough to work for a firm as a parent, because the whole reason clients use you (time sensitive, important stuff) is the very type of thing that is hard to manage with childcare responsibility. Men often solve this problem by having stay at home wives… The women who stuck it out – established partners, kids middle school or older – all have husbands with more flexible jobs and/or nannies, au pairs, and drivers.

      • Anon

        Working “only” 40 hours a week I see my kid not nearly as much as I’d like. Especially when you have a small baby, nobody wants to see their baby for only an hour a day. That’s heartbreaking. I would immediately leave a job that expected me to work long hours. It sounds like there is nothing to be done about that.

      • Anonymous

        I think for many people, the drive to become partner (or the equivalent in other career) fades a bit once kids are in the picture.

        For myself, I am not a lawyer, but I worked really, really hard at tech companies. I got to the VP level and had my first kid. I flew all over the country schlepping breast milk and taking flights at crazy hours to be home more. My husband worked an equally high pressure job. Our kid went to daycare at 11 weeks and was there 7am-6pm. One day we looked in our bank account and realized we just didn’t need all this money (don’t go crazy here–our HHI was $400k). My company sold and I just…didn’t work for a while. I had two more kids and during that time period started a consulting practice. DH got another promotion. I make about $100k a year now working part time. DH makes $250k. We are much happier. I worked hard to be comfortable and we are very much there.

        Every once in a while someone talks to me about a Big Fancy Role. I think, “gee, that sounds so engaging! I’d kill it!” And then I realize that killing it means I would have to work really hard and crazy again, and….I really, really don’t want to do that anymore. Maybe when I’m 50, but probably not. I’ll just be a really enthusiastic (actual) gardener in my spare time. DH is the same way. He got offered a role making $350k and then decided it would be too much stress and he wouldn’t have time for family/hobbies. He works a nice 8-/6 now. For some people that really is good enough.

        • Anonymous

          I dream my DH and I could clear $350K working less than FT+ each. You’re very lucky.

          • Anonymous

            We were talking about lawyers aspiring to make partner. $350 is less than a partner brings in.

          • Anonymous

            Ok. I’m in the Boston area. My family’s HHI income of $350k is less than the partner income around here. By a lot. We have several good friends that are partners (all men with SAH wives or older kids and a PT wife, except for one couple that actually two partners, both men, and they have a live in nanny and twin 7 year olds).

    • Anon

      Again, this is being framed as a workplace issue, but it’s not a wholly workplace issue. Before you have kids, make sure your partner is all in on 50/50 for household responsibilities (which means sometimes they will do 60 while you do 40, or more and vice versa). Parents need more flexibility at work (of both genders), but great inequality of parenting/household responsibilities sees that need for flexibility pushed predominantly or even solely on females. I see this time and again where only female employees need or ask for flexibility because their partners are letting/forcing them to take on all of the household responsibilities, especially kid related. TLDR: make sure your own house is in order in addition to asking for what you need in the workplace.

  11. Botox?

    I’m turning fifty next month and the 11 between my brows are really bothering me. I’m thinking about getting Botox but the thought of getting poison injected in my body is concerning. I don’t have any friends to discuss pros and cons with so I would just really love to hear people’s thoughts and experiences with Botox

    • Anonymous

      I nearly posted in the thread above about trivial advice to one’s former self: JUST GET THE BOTOX.

      Obviously go to a doctor that does a ton of it. But really, it’s minimal cost and effort for a significant result.

    • Anonymous

      Alcohol is also a poison. Botox for the 11s is pretty vanilla. Don’t freeze you whole face or eat it and you will be fine.

      • Airplane.

        Dose makes the poison. Get over this mental hump – alcohol, pesticides (organic uses pesticides too!). Everything is chemicals!

    • anon

      So… I’m 32 and have been getting botox in that spot since my 30th birthday. I was starting to get a real visible crease there that just made me feel bad. I’m generally super super low maintenance on the beauty front and it took me a little while to get over this just not being a thing I saw myself doing. I’m happy with it because i just feel better when I look at myself and have never had any side effects or bad experiences with it. I did a fair bit of research on the risks beforehand and am pretty risk averse when it comes to my health (pretty strict diet, no sugar, exercise every day… ) but I found it within my tolerable level of risk. It was a little while ago that i did the research and I haven’t thought about it much since so i don’t remember specifics. I just really appreciate that I don’t feel bothered when I see myself in the mirror. hope that’s helpful

    • Anonymous

      I just got Botox the first time last month (I’m 40) and it was really worth it. I didn’t want to like it, but I kind of love it. I look so much better (especially above a mask). The only con (besides the upkeep/cost) to me is that it maybe changed the shape of my eyebrows a smidge. Not noticeable to anyone but me and not a bad thing aesthetically, I just didn’t realize it would happen.

    • Anonymous

      I get botox for migraines and they inject SO much, all over my head, neck, and shoulder blades. Have been doing it for years with no ill effects.

    • BeenThatGuy

      We expose our bodies, intentionally and unintentionally, to toxins all the time. Botox was FDA approved in 2002. We have 18 years of data to base our decisions on. Personally, I’ve been doing it for a decade. I have about half the “normal” dose injected but that’s because I don’t want to be totally frozen; not because of being risk adverse.

      • Anon Probate Atty

        To those who use it for aesthetic reasons, do you just do the 11s, or do you do forehead wrinkles as well? For me, forehead wrinkles are more of a concern than my 11s, but women who have completely smooth foreheads just scream Botox to me. Are more accomplished drs. able to make Botox look less fake?

        • Anonymous

          IDK — I’m almost 50 and pre-Covid just did the 11s. It was time for a refresh; I just haven’t gone back yet. Granted it was in a mask, but I was carded at the ABC store recently.

        • BeenThatGuy

          I do my the shots in my upper forehead and a little bit near the edge of my eyebrows. This gives a lifted and smooth look and raises my brows slightly (I have heavy lids). It also leaves me with a little bit of expression but I can’t furrow my brows. I do not have that “surprised” look in my “natural” Botox resting state.

        • CountC

          What makes Botox look fake is having more injected than you need to and way far up in your forehead. I have been doing my 11s for 5 or 6 years now and people act surprised when I tell them (yes, they could be lying but they are usually ny friends so I hope not). I only allow my doc to do the 11s, so I don’t get any forehead freezing. I still have eyes which show emotions and I can still raise my eyebrows. Literally all that is gone is the lines in the middle of my eyebrows. I go to a plastic surgeon who has appoints at the med-spa down the road from me. Personally, I would always go to a plastic surgeon, but I know plenty of people who have had perfectly fine results with other injectors.

        • Shananana

          I do light botox in my forehead wrinkles (I have a deep line starting across the center and what I call my WTF lines from raising eyebrows at nonsense for too long) and have been since I was 33 (38 now). Less than 15 units total 3 times a year and I look rested and less cranky. Find a reputable person and explain that you are doing preventive to keep it from getting more ingrained over time. I do not at this point have 11s so I am only doing my forehead.

    • Anon

      How is your health? If I had some ill defined chronic symptoms, I would be worried about an undiagnosed contraindication. The scariest side effects of Botox to e are the ones where it unmasks or exacerbates a chronic condition you then have to live with forever. Otherwise, tons of people get Botox without issues, so I wouldn’t worry about the fact that it’s technically a toxin.

      • BeenThatGuy

        I worried about this too when I started many years ago. At the time, I had recently recovered from an Infectious Disease (think MRSA). I also have an autoimmune disease. Both my IF doctor and Rheumatologist said it was safe. But to be sure, I had 5 units injected and waited 2 weeks to see if there was a reaction. Since there was none, I went forward.

    • Anonymous

      I started getting Botox 1x a year at age 50 (55 now) and it is totally and completely worth it!

      • Moonstone

        Similar — started at 50 but I go twice a year. 14 units in the 11s. It looks smooth only for a few weeks, but it prevents the existing 11s from getting deeper. Recommend.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you all for your thoughtful feedback! My dermatologist doesn’t do it but he recommended someone who actually trains other doctors in Botox injections who was trained at top medical school. That doc requires a pre-visit consultation which makes me feel much better. So I’m going to at least get a consult and see what she recommends.

      • anon

        I had Botox once and didn’t like it because it made the outer edges of my eyebrows go up in an unnatural way. Years later I went to a different derm for filler in my very deep crease between my eyebrows (it’s a 1 not an 11 but same thing). He talked me into trying Botox too, to make the filler last longer, and he explained what the other doc had done wrong to make my eyebrows go up that way (it’s something about which specific muscles they put they injection in). I finally gave in and I love love the result. Looks totally natural, and it’s made the crease stay away much longer. If your creases are deep consider getting filler (juvederm I think) together with Botox.

    • Anonymous

      I had it, hated it because it interferes with micro-expression and in persuasive public speaking that was a problem. However, it taught me how I was tensing my forehead to get it to crease and so since then I intentionally relax that area and my crease is barely visible. I would instead start with facial massage with a serious facialist and see what you can accomplish. There are also some long term side effects appearing now, a

  12. Pj pants

    Remember those fantastic Target modal pj pants that everyone recommended that were not only comfy and about $15 but also came in different lengths (great for short people like me). What is everyone wearing as their replacements now that Target stopped carrying those?

    • Anon

      I like uniqlo leggings for lounging. Airism in the summer, heattech in the winter.

    • Anon

      I wear the soma cool nights pajama pants. They have pockets (!) but are otherwise very similar to the Target modal pants. They also come in different lengths, and in my experience, hold up better to frequent wear and washing vs the Target.

  13. Anon

    This is probably a dumb question but can some explain the point of WhatsApp? Like, why you would use it instead of regular text messaging? Is it primarily for international texting? If so, why would you use it with domestic friends?

    • anon

      I find that my non-iPhone friends are the ones who initiate contact via WhatsApp. It does make it easier to have group calls or video chats with people who don’t have FaceTime.

    • Anon

      For some reason the messages take up less space when transmitted, so I know people who have limited data (especially in other countries where data is more expensive) use it a lot. I know it’s incredibly common in Mexico.

      Personally, I don’t trust anything owned by facebook from a privacy perspective (I actively avoid anything they own). I use Signal with a few friends for privacy, but just use iMessage/regular text for most of my texting.

    • anon

      On a lot of phone plans, you pay for text messages (including being charged for receiving them). WhatsApp is free. Personally, I prefer Telegram as a chat app, but they are pretty similar.

    • Ribena

      Much easier to do group chats and send pictures etc.
      I think historically texts were always free or almost free with US cellphone packages? That’s not been the case on this side of the pond – I still had a package that charged me 10p per text message when I started university in 2012, but if I was in a wifi zone I could WhatsApp away for free.

      • Cat

        Texts used to be extra. About a decade ago we had a package that included 300 texts per month I think. We started using WhatsApp when texting each other so that we wouldn’t use our allotment on telling each other when we were leaving the office each day, lol. We don’t use it much for domestic text chatter any more because there’s no limit to worry about.

        We also use it now for communicating with international numbers – eg Europe Airbnb hosts.

        • Anonymous

          +1 texts used to be extra money. Up until 2013 or so my cell phone package included up to 250 texts a month and all my friends would post monthly facebook statuses that we were out of texts for the month.

    • Associate

      I prefer it for group chats where there is a mix of Android and iPhones and a large number of individuals on the thread. Doing the same through texting resulted in lost messages for some reason.

    • Anon

      The length of each text message is about 160 characters, but for certain alphabets (like Hebrew, Arabic, Russian, etc) the letters take up more space than the Roman alphabet so the size of text messages sent using these alphabets have to be much shorter. If you’re paying per text message, it’s more expensive – you might need to send double the amount of text messages you would if you were talking in English. That’s one reason why it’s so popular in some areas.

    • Anon

      I’ve always thought it was only for communicating with people who don’t have US cell phone numbers. I use it exclusively to text with a friend in Europe.

      • CountC

        +1 This is what I use it for. We also started using it for very large group chats when we moved away from Path.

    • Cb

      The browser interface – I can write longer, easier messages without picking up my phone, share my location for when someone is picking me up/we’re meeting in a busy city centre, and the ability to easily share photos. I send maybe 5 texts a month, and typically people switch over to WhatsApp.

    • Anon

      Group texts are very easy on WhatsApp. We used it for a Ragnar group, many of whom had never met each other before the race.

    • Anon

      My family is outside the US. Sending texts, pictures using standard messages are going to up prohibitively expensive.
      Whatsapp’s user interface is so easy that my mom sends me pictures, makes calls and video calls.

    • Anon

      It doesn’t degrade your images. I primarily use WhatsApp for sending picture and video and for managing large group messages (there is a lot of gif sending for giggles).

  14. anon

    The above thread about things we wish we could tell your younger selves inspired me to actually get a skincare routine. I’m early 30s, acne-prone skin and want to ward off wrinkles and such as much as possible. I wear sunscreen every day, cleanse twice a day with the trader joe’s tea tree wash, I have the TJ’s face wipes too, and I use cerave moisturizer after washing 2x daily and tretinoin at night. What should I change? are better products really worth it?

    • Anonymous

      Your routine sounds similar to mine (38 yo and also acne-prone skin). If you are looking to make a change, a couple considerations/suggestions based on advice my esthetician gave to me: 1) you might want to replace your night cleanser with a cream cleanser or otherwise more gentle cleanser (tea tree is awesome but can be drying, especially with the tretinoin, which I use as well). I really like Acure products – they are inexpensive and work well. They have a nice cream cleanser. 2) Consider adding a vitamin B serum at night in between cleanser and moisturizer (for brightening generally and for minimizing any acne scarring or other dark spots) and adding a vitamin C serum in the morning, also after cleanser and before moisturizer. I don’t think you need super fancy products. Again, Acure is great. I’ve also used Mad Hippie and Maelove recently and like them both. I would say both are fairly reasonably priced, though maybe a little more expensive than Acure.

    • anon

      Tretinoin is doing the heavy lifting so if the TJ’s stuff suits your skin, then there’s no need to spend more money! The only thing I would change is adding vitamin C to your morning routine.

    • cookie

      Instead of the tea tree wash, try the other Trader Joe’s face wash — the one labeled Nourish. Tea tree oil can very often be drying to your face, even if you can’t immediately see it, and can harm your moisture barrier. You can look this up if you’re curious, but the idea is that tea tree dries your skin, causing your skin to overproduce oil to compensate, which can lead to more clogged pores and acne (at least, that’s my nonscientific skincare hobbyist understanding). The Nourish cleanser is actually quite lovely with no added fragrances or colors, so it’s very gentle.

      I also avoid any products with silicone, which you can find in the ingredients label as anything ending with “-cone” like dimethicone or similar.

    • Kitten

      You’re already doing the most important things, but if you want to be extra, you should ditch the face wipes and do a double cleanse every night with (1) a cleaning oil or balm and (2) a gentle cleanser like Fresh Soy Cleanser or Youth to the People Superfood. I would also add a Vitamin C serum before your sunscreen in the morning and maybe occasionally a peel with acids in it (Drunk Elephant Baby Facial).

        • Kitten

          I currently use Tatch’s cleansing oil which is very nice, but I also liked Clinique’s Take the Day Off Balm as well as the one by Farmacy. The Clinique is the best bang for your buck. If you have a lot of spare time you can go down this entire rabbit hole on YouTube, I’ve recently liked Mixed Makeup’s channel.

        • BeenThatGuy

          I’d like to recommend Dermalogica Pre-Cleanse (oil). It feels amazing and smells like heaven.

          I also echo the recommendation for Vitamin C in the morning and a weekly peel. Drunk Elephant Baby Facial for a pricey peel option. Or The Ordinary. AHA 30% + BHA 2% Peeling Solution for a less expensive option.

    • Anon

      Don’t use the wipes stand-alone. They’re fine as a first step makeup remover. Have you considered a two step cleanse using an oil cleanser like Hada Labo or DHC, then following with a gentle cleanser?

      You’re doing the most with the tret and sunscreen, so everything else is just extras.

  15. Sunshine

    Online dating question for a male friend.
    A male friend who lives in Dallas is not having any success in the online dating scene. There could be many reasons why, but I wonder if one of them is which app he is using. Does anyone know which apps are popular now in Dallas?
    He is a 45 year old man seeking a woman. Divorced with kids. Looking for a similarly aged woman who also has kids from a prior marriage or relationship.
    Thanks!

    • Anon

      Honestly I see no red flags. Though my cynical self was absolutely expecting him to be looking for a 30 year old childfree woman, but his wants in a partner are entirely realistic.

    • Ellen

      I don’t know, but in Dallas, they are very religous in the Bible Belt, so mabye he should try his local preacher for ideas or connections to divorced women. Preachers have ready access to both men and women who are divorced (with or w/o kids), so he could be able to get hooked up with a woman simarly situated who is interested in a relationship with or without the kind of s-x he wants.

    • Anon

      Related, how would a man about that age (41) improve his profile? Never married, no kids, open to having kids but finds it more important to be with a woman his own age (and if that means kids aren’t in the picture, that’s okay). Smart, motivated, responsible, warm, kind, funny, one of the most even-tempered people I know. Some mother is going to dance a jig when her daughter brings him home, but his profile gets passed over a lot.

      • anonymous

        Hard to know without seeing the profile and whether anything is “wrong” with it. If he’s willing to dig around on reddit, there are subs where you can get good advice and people will actually critique your profile.

        Are his pictures flattering? Are they all group pictures so you can’t really tell who he is? Is his profile too vague to catch attention? Or does he go into too much detail about extraneous things? Does he have any natural openers? (I.e.- pictures or comments that are easy for people to comment on so they don’t have to say something generic or work too hard to come up with an original message?) Does he state that he’s funny but not show any humor in his writing? (“Show don’t tell” is a common adage.). I won’t message anyone who says they’re funny, smart, responsible, and a good guy because of course that’s what you want me to think. I’m going to message someone who has a funny profile, writes and communicates like he’s intelligent, and appears to be normal and then I’ll suss out whether he’s a responsible, good guy.

      • No Problem

        Good pictures. Where I can see his face, and I can see his teeth when he smiles, and I can see what he looks like without a hat. Doesn’t need to be a ton, 2-3 is fine. They don’t need to be perfect. It’s ok if he has a dad bod or a bit of a double chin. Most of the ladies aren’t size 2, either. And actually SAY SOMETHING in his profile. So many Bumble profiles have nothing but pictures and the basic “about me” (height, age, smoker status, drinking status, etc.). Those profiles always get a left swipe from me.

      • Anon

        Thank you for the advice!

        He doesn’t say that he’s smart, responsible, etc. The pictures might be a problem. A few years ago, I took some of him for his profile. They weren’t bad, but might not have been doing much for him.

        I’ll suggest the Reddit threads.

    • CountC

      I can only speak for myself, but so much of this comes down to pictures for me and whether or not anything interesting is in their profile (or the immediate turnoffs). I also wish people would stop putting their kids with faces showing in their profiles!! Totally unnecessary and I bet those kids did not give permission for that.

      What types of pictures is he using? What does his profile say?

    • Anon

      Perhaps there is a disconnect between who he says he is looking for (a middle age mom) and the ideal woman in his head. I have found that my male friends often say they like one thing (low-maintenance, natural woman) when their real life choices of women who are that suggest something quite different.

      • Kat in VA

        You mean like men who always say they’re looking for an intelligent, educated woman who’s independent and strong?

        A lot of them SAY that, but they certainly are intimidated when they meet a woman like that…

        (Disclaimer: Been married for 32+ years so the husband is used to me but I understand from my divorced/never married friends both younger and older that the dating scene is an absolute $hitshow)

      • Anonie

        Very good point! I think a lot of men tell their families they are looking for one set of character attributes but actually hold out for MODELS with all of those other qualities…or are truly not even interested in settling down and would rather “play the field.” As for dating apps, I met my fiance on Bumble and have had many friends with similar success stories on Bumble, Hinge, and Match. Granted, most of us spent years on those apps before finally finding success.

      • Anon

        I think that is true. I’m not trying to toot my own horn because I certainly have many of my own issues, but from outward appearances I hear friend’s of my husband say they want to find someone “like me.” What they mean by that is conventionally attractive, low maintenance, (they don’t know I don’t diet or exercise because a chronic illness keeps me thin), has own high paying job, wants and likes kids (they don’t know about my infertility), happy (they don’t know about my antidepressants), outdoorsy.

        What they really want is a unicorn and they are few and far between. They want the TV sitcom mom who is a milf without trying, always happy and never criticizing them, somehow raises the kids while earning a ton of money, is “cool” aka doesn’t care when they are being an idiot… They don’t realize if they scratch the surface of many of these ideal women in their head, there is a lot behind it. The super hot woman might spend a lot on plastic surgery, or hours at the gym. The high earning woman might just be high earning because she hasn’t scaled back yet to have kids.

        • Anon

          Or women like that (I am one) manage to be athletic, smart, accomplished, successful, and good moms because we have a zero tolerance policy for b.s. I don’t have time in my day for people’s crap.

          • Anon

            Elaborating, since that sounds more harsh than I intended:

            It’s enough of a juggle to continue relationships with my friends, who are exceptional people. I don’t spend time with bad or immature people, as that’s time not spent with great people.

            My husband is an equal partner. I was happy before we met and figured that living my life to the best of my ability was actually satisfying.

            I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for time sucks.

            A lot of what I achieved took enormous time and effort, so it isn’t going to be thrown away just ‘cuz.

            So if some dude wants to act like he’s 10, run me ragged trying to cater to him, believe that I’m a Stepford wife with indefinite time for sewing circles and PTAs and home cooked potluck desserts on a work night, that’s just… not going to happen. I’ll find a fantastic cake for the potluck, but it will be picked up at Sunday shopping or ordered from costco. I will help with kid stuff as necessary but not just to fill time.

      • Anon

        +1
        I know so many men (from work) who say they want an average woman – and the men are certainly average – but by average they mean looks like Scarlett Johansen and never disagrees with them.

        • Anon

          I actually LOLed at “looks like Scarlett Johansen and never disagrees with them”

    • Sunshine

      I’ve also wondered about his pictures. He claims a woman friend helped him pick them; I haven’t seen them. I think he’s legit looking for a 40-ish year old mom, but not someone who wants more kids.
      He says he’s on OK Cupid, Zooks (spelling?), and Match. I used online dating years ago and met my husband, but I realize what’s popular in which cities changes regularly. So I’m wondering about today in Texas.

      • Becky with the Good Hair

        Maybe it’s an age thing, but I don’t know anyone using Ok Cupid or Match in Dallas. I’ve never heard of Zoosk either.

    • Becky with the Good Hair

      Hinge is the most popular, and then Bumble are the main apps my friends and I use (early to mid-30’s women) in Dallas.

    • Anon

      Real talk: all of my friends who match the description of your friend’s “Would Like To Meet” are so jaded by the multiple terrible experiences they have had dating people from apps are either off the apps now, or have instituted incredibly high standards a person must meet before my friends will engage with them. IMO their trepidation is valid. I have heard some very crazy stories. If his profile pic is on point (not blurry, no sunglasses, not shirtless, no dead animals including fish in the picture) there may not be much else he can do. If he’s reasonably nice-looking and articulate and doesn’t ask for nudes or threesomes in the first two messages he sends, people probably don’t think he’s real.

      • Anon

        Aw what’s wrong with fishing? It’s not my thing but I don’t understand why it’s a turnoff to have a photo of yourself fishing in your profile, if that’s what you’re into. Some of the nicest guys I know like fishing. I think it’s better to have a profile photo showing you doing something you enjoy vs just a boring work headshot.

    • cbackson

      It’s not just the profile that matters – talk to him about the first message he sends. Does he just say “hi” or does he look at her profile and send a message that makes clear he read it. I was WAY more likely to respond to a message that said, “Hey, I saw you’re into llama wrangling – I just tried it for the first time! What’s your favorite breed of llama?” or something like that than a message that just said “hi” and put the burden on me to open the conversation in a substantive way.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know if this is too late for you to see but I’m in the Dallas area and had very good success with Bumble. He should try that.

  16. snow dreams

    Let’s talk downhill skiing and social distancing. My 13-year-old daughter loves to ski, but up until now we haven’t had much chance to take her because of her primary sport. We’ve pulled her from that sport for the season, which frees up weekends this winter. I would love to be able to indulge her in some day trips to our nearest little ski hill for some socially distanced outdoor fun, but I’m hesitant about coronavirus exposure. We could ensure that no one in the family rode the lift with a stranger, and we could pack lunches and eat in the car instead of eating in the lodge, but I don’t know how you would navigate lift lines and restrooms safely. The rental hut is also a big concern–crowded, no ventilation. I’d like to rent skis for the season, but that only seems to be possible in little kid sizes, not adult sizes. Any skiers have thoughts?

    • Anon

      You can rent skis for the season as an adult. I know plenty of people who do that. Otherwise, I think the lift line part is going to depend on the resort – have they announced anything about crowd control? As for bathrooms, how far are you from the hill? Can you make sure everyone uses the bathroom before leaving home and then waits until going back home (assuming you ski for a few hours)? If it’s too far or that’s not feasible for other reasons, I’d make sure you all have good masks and don’t dilly-dally while you’re in there, but it’s probably not super high-risk if most (ideally all) people are wearing masks. The other option is to bring a Shewee and find a private spot in the woods :)

    • NYNY

      I haven’t been skiing in years – thanks knee arthritis – but as I recall, many sporting good stores will rent you equipment for the season. And the lift lines would depend on whether they snake people in the line, putting you close to others horizontally, but the skis themselves provide social distancing in front and back of you. Maybe reach out to the ski area to see what their plan is? With restrooms, you aren’t in there that long, so I’d say wear a mask, wash your hands, and it should be okay.

  17. Anon

    My firm is trying to reevaluate what a reasonable case load is for our assistants to manage. Not just with COVID issues but on a regular basis in normal times too. We aren’t looking to lay anyone off. In anything, we are looking to add because we are very busy.

    For the lawyers, I’m curious how many attorneys your assistants work for, what those case loads are like, and what other help you/they get from paralegals, receptionists, office managers. Lastly, are they limited to 40 hours per week or allowed to work overtime to get the job done?

    For my firm, I’m a litigator with 60+ cases. My assistant assists me and one other attorney who is transactional. We have a litigation paralegal that is shared with 4 attorneys in the same practice area. Reception handles conflict checks. Office manager handles billing. Attorneys enter their own billing to the time entry system. No regular OT allowed (to get the usual work done) but when on a deadline for an attorney, OT is allowed.

    • Anonymous

      We have either a 3:1 or 4:1 ratio, depending on the assistant and practice area. I also am a litigator with 60+ active cases. The secret is having an assistant who is very familiar with the area of the law. I would not want to share with a transactional attorney.

    • Anon

      I am a 6th year litigation associate. I have about 30 of my own matters and am the handling associate for another 70 or so. My assistant supports me and a colleague at the same level as me with the same number of matters (although we support different partners so some stylistic differences). Our assistant does not open or close files and has no responsibility for billing. We enter our own dockets. We each have a clerk for our own files and each partner has a clerk – our assistant does not have much responsibility over them apart from liaising regarding briefs when matters are approaching trial/arbitration. She does not work OT ever as not encouraged at the firm but we do sometimes get a floater to assist when the electronic filing is piling up or it is a really busy time.

    • Anon

      Worked at a small regional office of a big law firm so had decent resources but relatively few bodies. It was typically one assistant to three attorneys (sometimes one assistant to two attorneys for very busy or technology phobic partners), one or two paralegals for transactional department and one or two for litigation department who billed their hours and set their schedule based on need but was capped at 40hrs a week – overtime had to be approved by the department head. Attorneys and their assistants handled billing. One office manager who handled …everything else and one receptionist.

  18. Kitten

    100% recommend! I started getting Botox in my 11s in my late 20s and it changed my life. At the end of every work day, I used to have this sensation that I could not relax my brows which would occasionally turn into a headache. I used to furrow my brows when I concentrate. I no longer have that issue and it’s amazing. I can still move my eyebrows up and down, just not furrow.

    Admittedly, I also like that my forehead now looks perfectly smooth in my 30s ;)

    I’ve probably gone 20+ times now and have had no side effects, not even bruising.

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