Weekend Open Thread

154 Comments

1. I manage a woman who is smart and articulate but uses “wandering” when she means “wondering.” She’s done it three times that I’ve noticed, so I don’t think it’s a typo. Any scripts for correcting this? Or do I let it go? It’s certainly not hurting her reputation or anything, but she prides herself on attention to detail.

   1. Just. Tell. Her. With. Words.

      1. Seriously, why do you need a “script” for this?

         1. Why are people being so rude? It’s a reasonable question!

            1. Not really it isn’t.

      2. Yeah this. I noticed a partner was consistently using loosing instead of losing. I told him.

         1. Yes, but did it help?

            I’ve been dating someone who regularly misuses words: “sale” instead of “sell” or “through” instead of “threw”. I’ve mentioned it, but have given up hope of correcting it.

   2. Just tell her. Everyone has their individual quirks. I have a post it with ‘licence = noun, license = verb’ on it because otherwise I mix them up and American English autocorrect always changes everything to license.

      1. I did not know there was a difference and I am a native American English speaker. So if I refer to my driver’s licence it is spelled with a C but if I was to say I have license to move forward it is with an S? I have always used the S one for everything.

         1. It’s license for both in American English.

         2. It’s definitely license for both in the US. I think licence is British and probably also used in Canada, Australia, etc.

   3. You’re her manager. Manage her.

      1. Good grief. Are people just blowing off steam by leaving these types of comments or what?

         1. I disagree. Sometimes people post questions where the only possible response is “use your words” or “do your job.” OP, I get that it can be tricky, but you’re this woman’s manager and you’re correcting a misspelling, not putting her on a PIP. Just have a conversation and get it over with.

            1. Yeah I’m happy to have the conversation. Just wondered (hah…) if anyone had any specific scripts/language suggestions.

            2. Eh, she’s asking for advice on how to do her job. It’s a fair question, it’s not like her employee is dropping on the ball on something important, it’s a misspelling in an email. It’s questionable if that’s really the job of a manager. I’m not a fan of creating a culture where people are afraid to ask questions. I get that some people work in harsh environments where people talk down to each other like that and maybe they get used to it and don’t realize they’re doing it, but it’s awful and not the behavioral norm.

            3. Literally just tell her “hey you used wandering when you meant wondering FYI.”

   4. Is it written or spoken? If written, I would just say “it’s wondering not wandering, by the way.” If it’s spoken it might be an accent thing and I’d probably leave it alone. I think they sound pretty similar when said by someone with a Southern accent.

      1. Thanks for an actionable response. We live in Texas, so when spoken it sounds the same :) Which is I’m sure where she’s getting the mistake from – but she makes the mistake in writing. I’ll mention it the next time I see it.

         1. If you really are looking for a way to soften this, I’d say something like “I know here in Texas they sound the same out loud, but there are two words spelled differently. Here, you mean ‘wonder.’ ” Sometimes people who read a lot don’t know how things are spoken, and those who don’t read a lot get confused by homonyms.

            As a lawyer, I’ve done enough doc review to see it all as far as homonyms go. People who make it in business don’t necessarily read a lot.

   5. If someone is offended by this, how do they even survive working outside of the home? Just say it.

2. How do you deal with compassion fatigue living in the city? I live in the Bay Area and I would be lying if I said the experience hadn’t hardened me to the plight of others. I don’t like this about myself, but I haven’t been able to stop or reverse the process. I feel like walking the streets here puts me so on edge; I haven’t walked around San Francisco one single time in the two years I’ve lived in the area (after growing up here and leaving for school) without running into syringes and human feces and three times out of four, I run into some kind of “encounter” with someone aggressively panhandling in my face, yelling at me, or pickpocketing right in front of me. The city spends hundreds of millions of dollars tackling problems related to homelessness, but you would never know it walking the streets. I work in a field that serves disadvantaged populations and I feel solid doing that, but I find that I’m so on edge and even angry when I’m out in public on my own time here. I’m not sure what I’m really asking for; I guess I want to know if anyone has advice for dealing with this or maybe for productive outlets for this frustration. I’ve thought about petitioning city council or something, but I know they’re well aware of these issues so I’m not sure what good it would do.

   1. For the feces issue, work with the city to try to get local businesses to allow the homeless to use their bathrooms. Where do you poop if you have no toilet and you aren’t allowed in any other building?

      1. Not on the BART elevator, not in the middle of the sidewalk downtown, and not on a children’s playground. Access is a problem, but there is such thing as discretion.

   2. I feel like you’re me, in a different city. This may not be feasible in a city as large as SF, but we are involved on the board of the homeless organization in our medium sized town that gets the HUD grant each year (so they coordinate with the smaller organizations – sorry to those of you who know more about this and that I’m probably offending with my poor understanding of how it all works). While there may genuinely be very little you can do on the street as an individual, I find it really helps me mentally to know of all the services out there and that there are people on the street daily trying to reach people. We make a significant to us donation each year to this organization (think ~1% of our income). In our city, there are significant resources and knowing they’ve probably made contact with that person helps in a small way.

   3. I’m not really sure what you’re asking. I give lots of money to charity and believe it’s reprehensible how little the US govt does for the poor but I still hate walking around SF. Nobody likes walking on needles and poop, that’s just gross.

      1. OP here and I guess that’s the problem – I work with disadvantaged populations, I give to charity, I’m a political progressive who stays informed for local and state elections, etc., but when I’m out walking the streets in SF, I feel nothing but disgust for the situation and for the people causing the problems, people I want to help in other contexts. Then I feel like a bad person and like I’m not actually doing anything productive with the frustration.

         1. I’m in mod with a longer reply but basically I think you’re feeling called to serve the poor more directly and personally than whatever you’re doing at work. I don’t know what that could look like specifically in SF but I’d recommend looking for organizations that emphasize solidarity and hospitality like the Catholic Worker (most CW houses have regular open-to-everyone dinners).

         2. I’ve lived in the SF Bay Area my whole life (I’m almost 50), so I get you, OP. I do what I actually can — whether it’s working with charities, donating, etc. — and for the in-your-face everyday sights, I try to remind myself to react with compassion but go on about my business.

            Bec., in the moment, on the street, I can’t do anything more than I’m already doing. And dwelling on my instant reaction (whether ‘ew gross’ or anger or frustration or any of the other natural & often unavoidable things that come up) well, that’s not helpful to me or to the people on the streets. Something like a serenity prayer or ‘there but for the grace of the gods go I’ (I’m not religious, these are just examples) to deal with the moment & not totally ignore it but also not get burned out by seeing these things so much.

            Then later, check in with the actions you are taking & mentally connect those with what you previously saw on the streets. Maybe that will help. But yeah, it’s hard.

   4. I get it. I’m currently in the process of figuring out how I can get more involved with the homeless crisis in my city outside of just donating money. I want to feel more empathy and connect with the issue with my hands and time, rather than just being frustrated by walking around the trash, feces, syringes, etc.

   5. To me it sounds like you’re feeling called to get involved with some type of really direct, front-line service more than what you’re doing at work (I don’t know how remote that is) — getting your hands dirty (literally or figuratively), living alongside the poor, forming personal relationships with them, etc.

      You give to charity and you do politics and you “work in a field that serves disadvantaged populations,” but I think this is an itch to serve and just to be in solidarity with disadvantaged *persons* as individuals whom you know personally, not just professionally (even if you’re interacting with them individually, it’s different). Does that make sense to you?

      1. I would recommend checking out either of the two Catholic Worker houses in SF. (I don’t know if you’re religious but this is what comes to my mind for solidarity and direct service; they would almost certainly be happy to work with you either way fwiw.)
         – St Martin de Porres (http://www.martindeporres.org/volunteer.htm) is a “free restaurant” and “a community of people with diverse spiritual practices although our roots are in, and we continue to be inspired by, the Catholic Worker Movement” in the Mission district (if I’m reading the map right — I’ve never been to SF).
         – Temenos (http://www.temenos.org/about-us) is “a not-for-profit ministry supported by the workers themselves, local churches and concerned individuals” that focuses on homelessness in the Polk Street neighborhood “in the spirit of Jesus of Nazareth and in the Catholic Worker tradition of Dorothy Day and Peter Maurin.”

   6. You might consider Project Homeless Connect, which is trying to link people up with the available services.

      Veterans service organisations are also trying to help vets access the services they need.

      On street cleanliness, that’s driving me nuts. There’s no reason for us to have grubbier streets than New York. Any suggestions ?

   7. It can be a problem for us in big citie’s like NYC and San Fresnciso b/c people come to the cities to panhandle b/c there are a lot more people who will give them money then in Podunk, Dad says. He remembers when Gouliniani was Mayor of NYC, the police got those people off the streets and into shelters, where they could be cared for and would not bother us or make feces in the street. FOOEY on that, b/c I often step in dog poop, and how much worse is human feces? DOUBEL FOOEY!

      I think that we pay enough taxes so that the government should take these people off the streets and get them the care they deserve. Dad says get them work cleaning up the streets. I think he is right. FOOEY on the government for spending our taxes on stuff when these people need to be properly employed or taken care of (if they are sick or ill or mentally incapable of working).

      Myrna is going on a hike with me in Weschester today, so I hope we will not get bitten up by bugs and mosqeitos. TRIPEL FOOEY! I hope the hive will have a great weekend, as I have been given the weekend OFF! The manageing partner told me this is my weekend to put down my billing! YAY!!!!!

   8. I don’t know, but I sure feel you. Los Angeles has a terrible homeless problem too, with increasing numbers of tent cities popping up all over the place – but we don’t have the feces-everywhere problem like in SF. I was once told that it is partly due to heroin addiction making one’s bowel control questionable, so maybe that contributes.

3. Who’s watching the World Cup? I’m listening to Portugal-Spain!

   1. Yesssss, so excited! I’m planning on going to watch Argentina-Iceland tomorrow morning.

   2. I am! well, actually following the BBC liveblog for this game since I’m still at work but can’t wait to watch the weekend matches on TV

4. Need to start studying for the GRE. Any suggestions for great classes or resources?

   1. Your local library probably has all the prep books for checkout.

      1. Public libraries (usually through the state library) also have online test prep materials.

   2. The Magoosh vocab flashcard app for smartphone. That alone bumped up my verbal score. My other tip is to take tons of practice tests. That will help you way more than just reviewing concepts generally.

   3. Free online Kaplan bootcamp sessions. They’ll plug the real deal for $$$, but there’s legitimately good value in attending the free virtual sessions to get a live teacher that will give sample questions and strategies for answering. I did a few of those to identify areas where I struggled and worked my way through a Barron’s review book and did much better than expected!

   4. Khan Academy had some great stuff when I was studying for the GMAT, I’m guessing they have good GRE materials, too. (and it’s free!)

5. I loved my Gekks liners until I washed them (according to instructions). The part that adheres to the shoe came off so they don’t stay in place anymore. Hue and Peds have been my go-tos.

   1. I have some Gekks and only put them in one pair of shoes—what a hassle. Quickly realized that the problem with the shoes was not the lack of socks, it was that they don’t fit. Especially after reading about your experience, I am not likely to go through the hassle of installing them in any other shoes. Soooooo, Hue and Peds? Do they stay on your feet? Or slip off and slide down? Do they really not show? I wear a lot of flats more polished than ballet flats, but still relatively low cut. I live in Florida, so I typically just avoid socks, but in certain shoes, they would be really nice. Have not found any that work. Would love to find some.

      1. I like the Sperry brand of no show socks. They actually stay on your feet. I buy them at TJ Maxx or Marshalls. Note that they won’t work for very low cut shoes and oddly don’t work with my Sperry deck shoes.

         If wearing dress shoes, you can also wear knee high stockings. I think no show socks look strange at work, especially if you can see parts of the sock.

      2. I have so many types, I can’t remember which ones are which! I will say, and you might have experienced this, that some are cut differently than others, so I often have to try different pairs depending on which shoes I’m wearing. I agree w/below post that I’ve had the most success w/the version that have the rubber gripper on the back.

   2. I don’t know what brand any of my no-show socks are, but I find the ones with a little rubber gripper in the back are far superior to any others as far as staying in place. Brands without the gripper work great for a few wears but then get stretched out and roll down.

6. What outfit would you wear with bright red cowboy boots? I inherited a really nice pair in practically new condition and I LOVE them but have no idea how to wear them. I know any outfit with red cowboy boots is going to stand out- I’m ok with that. Just wondering if you ladies had any fun ideas!

   1. I’d wear them with a cute chambray dress. Or a white sundress. Or a khaki shirtdress. Or shorts and a white shirt.

   2. Where do you live and how would you describe your usual style? I can see this going a few different ways depending on your answers.

      1. I live in a big southeastern city. My usual style is a lot of neutral basics because I’m a little intimidated by styling bright colors. A typical weekend outfit is jeans, a black t-shirt, and a pendant necklace. If it’s super hot summer, a t-shirt dress and pendant necklace. An unexpected occurrence of red cowboy boots seem like a good opportunity to branch out :)

   3. Hey there, Ted Mosby.

      1. +1

   4. I’m in the SEUS and people wear them with a lot of different looks. Bright sundress, a silver cuff, and a denim jacket if it’s cooler where you are. Denim shorts or skirt with a strappy, flowy top. Those button down shirt dresses that have a touch of “farm” vibe. White or bright yellow would be especially nice with the red, or a more country floral print. Not saying any of this is particularly trendy or stylish, but it’s what people wear here and I love the look.

7. Hello- long time reader needing advice and reassurance related to pregnancy. I just took a pregnancy test at work and it’s positive. We weren’t trying but we weren’t careful. (Married very much in love , excited but just also so nervous) I haven’t been taking prenatals, I drank a considerable amount of wine last night and various nights since my last period. I need reassurance on that , and recommendations for a great obgyn in Boston or the newton/Waltham area. Someone who can deal with a lot of questions and a nervous wreck and has a great bedside manner and very competent

   1. Congratulations!

      And breathe, it will be okay. It’s totally normal to be nervous.(I completely freaked out when my test was positive and we were actively TRYING.) I also would not worry about the drinking before you found it, although I’m sure a doctor will reassure you about that. (Someone posted here in response to a similar question that when she told her doctor that she’d had a huge amount of champagne before she found out she was pregnant the doctor said huge amounts of champagne are how a lot of pregnancies happen.) Stop drinking and start taking vitamins now and it will be fine, really.

      Hugs and more congrats.

   2. HAHA Team Huge Amounts of Champagne Before I Tested Positive here.

      I believe the considerable amounts of wine are immaterial before the embryo implants. In any event my baby was fine and yours will be, too.

      1. My husband and I actually had a “get drunk and watch all the Important Videos” date the day before I tested positive, lol.

   3. Congrats! The wine is NBD. The baby doesn’t share your blood until you skip your period so won’t get any alcohol. Taking a prenatal before conception is standard advice now but even a few years ago the advice was just to start after a positive test, so you’ll be completely fine. Just start one soon.

   4. You’re totally fine stop worrying.

   5. Hugs! I’m pregnant and know how it feels to worry about the alcohol issue. I was actively trying for about a year before I got my positive, and the two weeks leading up to my positive I had quite a bit of alcohol, and some anxiety medications that I would not have taken if I knew I was pregnant (my MIL died and I was in depositions). My doctor wasn’t concerned since it was so early (before sharing a blood supply).

      As for the OB, I don’t have any recs for Boston, but I will say that I switched from the first OB I went to when I was about 7 weeks because they were being really unresponsive and were not willing to explain why I needed certain tests they were ordering for me. I am so glad I did, my new OB is great. So don’t be afraid to switch if you don’t click with the first OB you go to!

      Best of luck and congrats! :)

   6. Congratulations! You’re fine on the wine front, because the baby isn’t directly getting what you’re eating/drinking yet, so no need to worry :) Just grab any pre-natal with at least 400 mcg of folate/folic acid; everything else is just gravy so don’t bother comparing them at this point. I don’t know any docs in Boston but if you want a book the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy is evidence-based and deliberately written to help nervous people (like specifically addressing myths about things that people will tell you is dangerous).

      1. +1 to Mayo Clinic guide. I liked that it was written by doctors and I felt like it was a good balance between the fear-mongering What to Expect and the super relaxed Expecting Better.

   7. You’re fine on the wine front. And I used to work with FASD kids so I’m super conservative on the alcohol while pregnant thing.

   8. We were trying/not preventing, but I figured it couldn’t happen the first month and then it did. I had a big girls night out with a lot of prosecco a few days before I got the positive test. I was nervous but my OB assured me it was fine. Baby was born full term, very healthy and so far is hitting all developmental milestones perfectly.

   9. Congrats! Highly recommend Dr. Holly Khachadorian (sp?) at MGH. Excellent doctor, very compassionate, great beside manner.

8. Surprised this didn’t come up in the news roundup, so adding it here.

   1. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/06/15/business/pregnancy-discrimination.html

9. Busty ladies – looking for t-shirt recommendations. Bonus if it’s a scoop next that isn’t too low … Thanks!

   1. American Giant

      1. https://www.american-giant.com/classic-u-neck-t/W2-2N-23.html?dwvar_W2-2N-23_size=xs&dwvar_W2-2N-23_color=white&cgid=short-sleeve-classic-uneck#start=17

   2. Judy P tops… super

10. Thank you. I’m two days late (which isn’t that unusual but today my b—bs were killing me so I took a test. The internet seems to say that week four is when they share a bloodstream so I’m worried about last night but I will talk to the doctor about it. Thank you all for the reassurance, well wishes, and book recommendations.

    1. Girl you must chill. You are fine.

    2. You should wait. If I thought I was pregenant every time I was 2 days late, I’d be worrying 8 times a year. And that is even when I have NOT been with a man romantically. You will be fine, and if you should be luckey enough to have been with a man who was fertile, you will be abel to have a baby! YAY! That is what I want, but men do NOT want babies, even tho they want to literally go “through the motions” of getting there. It is hypocritacal to want to have s&x with me but not want the natural result of haveing s&x with me. FOOEY!

11. Is it a thing to get married on Friday now? I just got invited to a second Friday wedding, which I realize is hardly a trend (and one of them was chosen based on a particular religious feast), but it’s the second this year and I think I’ve 100% only been to Saturday weddings before this year.

    1. Friday weddings have been quite popular for a while as a cheaper alternative to Saturday. I had 3 friends get married on Fridays in 2012/2013. Apparently THURSDAY weddings are becoming a thing now, which I think is just insane.

       1. I don’t have that much leave, agh!!

    2. It’s always been a thing?

    3. Lots of venues are priced highest on Saturdays. Thursday, Fridays, and Sundays are becoming more common where I live.

    4. Friday venue rentals tend to be less expensive, and Saturdays at a popular venue might be booked out for years.

    5. Try Monday – I had friends that got married on Columbus Day a few years ago. Fortunately it was local, so I only had to take that day off work.

    6. Fridays aren’t cheaper in my area but they do happen in the couple want a specific venue or need a specific weekend for some reason. My childhood church books like 2 years in advance for summer weddings so we had a Friday wedding because I didn’t care about flowers/dress/food but I did want to get married in my church and not wait 2 years.

    7. I got married on a Thursday. But there were only 10 people invited – 5 of whom were retired and 3 of whom WFH. The decision was based almost entirely on venue costs – F, Sat, Sun was $1200 per hour; M-Th was $600 for 2 hours. (Special venue with emotional/personal meaning.)

12. My husband and I are horrified by the stories that have been coming out about separation of immigrant and refugee families (as well as threats to naturalized citizens) and are looking to make some off-cycle donations in response. We already give to IRAP, IRC and ACLU regularly, but if you know of any other orgs (especially local or legal ones) doing good work in this space, please let me know. Thanks! (And I look forward to hearing from the tro11 chorus as well!)

    1. My personal favorite is Tahirih Justice Center, which helps immigrant women and girls fleeing domestic violence and other issues.

    2. Together Rising Love Flash Mob. They are hiring two advocates and two immigration attorneys to represent the 60 children being housed at the detainment center in Arizona. Any remaining funds are going to the Florence Immigrant & Refugee Rights Project which is working to reunite immigrant children who were separated by the US Border Patrol with their parents.

    3. No advice beyond what you’ve already received, but lolling at “troll chorus.” Must file that away for future use.

    4. Lutheran Immigration and Refugee Services.

    5. RAICES Texas is on the front lines of the battle against deportation and family separation. I donated to them this week.

    6. One Pennsylvania – supporting families and working to change the laws

13. Hi everyone, I’m Christian but not Catholic but my husband is. His sister has asked him to be her baby’s godfather. I don’t know if it is a Catholic thing or just a thing in his family, but is there a reason why people ask two non-married people to be a child’s god parent? For example, my husband’s god parents are his mom’s sister and his mom’s other sister’s husband. Both of these people are married to Catholics, so it’s not like our situation where the spouse (me) is not Catholic. Just curious! My god parents are a married couple and when I asked my husband, he just shrugged, ha! :)

    1. My godparents, and the godparents of each of my siblings (there’s 4 of us) are not married couples.

       Usually, the father chooses the godfather and the mother chooses the godmother, so it would be unusual for the godparents to be married to each other.

    2. I’m Catholic, and in my experience choosing two people who aren’t married to each other to be the godparents of a child is common.

       1. Yes, I understand it’s common, just curious if there was a reason why. The above explanation makes sense, except that in our case the baby’s mother chose the godfather (my husband). Huh, maybe it’s just a custom and not for any particular reason!

          1. Maybe they’re trying to reduce the chances that both godparents will move away? My godparents moved to the opposite coast so I haven’t seen them since I was a tween, and the only thing I remember is that my godmother gave me a friendship-bracelet making kit (rad) and complimented me on being thin (weird).

          2. I grew up Catholic, and my godparents are my uncle (who wasn’t married at the time) and my mom’s good friend (who was married to another Catholic at the time). I think because the Church requires godparents to both be Catholic, it leads to a lot of situations where parents can’t choose a married couple if one spouse isn’t Catholic, so because people are so used to the idea of two godparents who aren’t partnered in any way, parents feel free to select non-spouses/partners as godparents.

    3. IDK

       No catholic but my husband and his family are. He has lots of unmarried female relatives (some nuns, some not) who didn’t have children, so one of our children has two godmothers and no godfather b/c I didn’t want anyone but a blood relative (otherwise, the only choice would have been the guy who became my ex-BIL, who I loathe) and there were more than enough capable women who were delighted to be honored.

       Baby C has two god-mommies. And the church was fine with it (n.b. maybe it was that it was Jesuits).

    4. Either one is fine! I don’t know of any particular custom of picking non-couples, but there might have been some situation like if the married sister was already godmother to one of your dh’s older siblings before she got married or something like that. My family mostly picks both people in a married couple if they’re picking one, but dh and I haven’t decided how we’re going to handle it if we only really know one half of the couple.

    5. I grew up Catholic and it was very common. At least in my family, the parents try to choose one person from each parent’s family with each kid, so they are never a married couple. I am the godmother to my niece, and my BIL’s brother is the godfather. With my nephew, my husband is the godfather, and my BIL’s sister is the godmother.

    6. Why should you need to be married to be a godparent? I’m my niece’s godparent and my sil’s brother is the godfather. Neither of us were married.

       1. Absolutely no need to be married. I became a godmother years before I ever met my husband – and just me, no other godparents. I suppose in my family and tradition (Greek Orthodox), the most common scenario is choosing a godparent and then their spouse (if any) becomes the other godparent eventually or you choose an already-couple. (I have seen two siblings be godparents, but those are less common.) Which is why my two god children consider my husband their godfather now even though I didn’t know him at their baptisms. I was just curious if there was a reason, but I can see the ‘taking one from each side’ making sense.

       2. I don’t believe she intended to say godparents should not be “unmarried”, as she wrote “non married”. As in, there are two godparents who are married, but not to each other.

    7. I don’t think whether the individuals are married (to each other or otherwise) are really factors at all, nor which parent chooses which gender god parent. From what I’ve seen, it’s usually siblings of the parents – one from each side though I don’t think that’s a custom so much as how it just works out. For most people I know it’s pretty much a non event beyond the baptism ceremony – like I know which aunts and uncles are godparents to which cousins but there isn’t really any difference in relationship as a result. I believe the primary selection consideration was “whose turn is it?”

       I’m sure some families do it differently but there is probably more variety for people practicing within each religion than the average difference between them.

    8. It’s just an honorific, like being maid of honor or best man today. It no longer carries the import of “this couple will care for the child in the event of parental death” that it might have once had.

       1. Well, Catholic godparents do have to accept responsibility for the child’s religious upbringing, so eg if the parents won’t take the kid to Mass that’s on the godparents.

    9. To increase the chances of care for the child if godparents actually need to accept custody. If one couple serves as the godparents and they have their own personal life crisis, they may not be in a position to accept the godchild. Splitting the responsibility spreads the risk.

14. My company was bought out and we’re switching from semi monthly to biweekly pay. The transition has been not handled well and our terrible management is unfortunately staying on. We just found out we’re being switched to bimonthly pay. In months without the “extra” paycheck my pay will be several hundred dollars less than it is now. I’m entry level and already decently frugal (though I also refuse to deprive myself, life is too short) but this is going to be a financial hardship for me since my pay is already low in a HCOL city. Any tips for this transition?

    1. I don’t understand. Your pay is staying the same – how will this be a financial hardship? If you’re paid less frequently the paychecks will be bigger.

    2. I’m confused — you’re only getting paid once every two months?! Yipes.

    3. Is your annual pay still the same? If so that bi-weekly versus semi monthly isn’t really that big of a deal.

    4. I’m not understanding the “several hundred dollars less” part. Unless they cut your salary, you’re still getting the same amount of money, just on a slightly different schedule. It’s all going to even out — if it’s less one month, then it will be more the next.

    5. The OP’s bills (rent, loans, phone, utilities, etc.), are all monthly, and she was paid monthly.

       Now, she’s getting paid slightly less money (about 8% less) in most months of the year, although in some months, she will get 3 biweekly paychecks.

       Her question is how to handle the lean months.

       Best solution is to get a side hustle. If you earn another $200 or so a month, that covers the shortfall.

       1. If this is a the case, the simplest solution is …DO NOT SPEND THOSE EXTRA PAYCHECKS in the months where you get three, as if it were extra money. It’s not. Keep your spending where it is now, and leave that money in the bank, so that you have what you need in the other months.

          OR, you can get a side hustle and earn more money so you don’t have to budget that money and can spend in a month whatever comes in that month.

          Or, shift out of the mindset of “I refuse to deprive myself,” find an area or two to cut back so that your monthly spending equals a two-paycheck income, and then you will have those three “extra” paychecks to do with as you want.

          Basically …rework your spending plan to match how your income is coming in.

       2. Why do you need a side hustle just because the timing of your paychecks has changed? That’s ridiculous. You’re getting exactly the same amount of money you were before. If you really can’t exercise self-control and leave the money in the bank until next month, you can probably pre-pay some bills in the months when you get more.

          1. I think what you are both missing is that she doesn’t get that money immediately. It doesn’t do her any good to have, say, three paychecks in October if she gets 8% less money in July, August, and September.

             So tone down the judgeyness.

    6. My husband and I have made this transition from every-other-week to twice-monthly pay back and forth, a few times for each of us. You just have to change your budgeting. I have an Excel spreadsheet I update for every pay period that shows the bills and expenses that have to be paid for each cycle and we just make sure there’s enough money in the bank during that cycle to cover them (all our bills are on auto-pay and our other expenses are fairly stable, barring periods like back-to-school or time-to-pay-for-summer-camp). Hopefully you have some kind of small cushion in your checking account so you aren’t letting it go down into single digits before your next paycheck gets deposited – if you don’t, it is worth it to take $200 or so out of your savings and put it in your checking to serve as a cushion (just don’t spend it!).

       I actually LOVED getting paid twice a month as I had some bills that came out in the first half of the month, and some in the second half, and now it’s a little more mental work for me to figure out what’s getting paid out of which check, but it’s not insurmountable. I would recommend that if you have all your bills due in, say, the first week of the month, you call and get some due dates moved (you can generally do this once, or in some cases once a year, with credit-card companies and student loans; other creditors may allow it also. We have car loans and a mortgage with Wells Fargo and they will let you move you payment due date once).

    7. Check out You Need A Budget (YNAB). You’re getting the same money, you just need to really think about how and when you’re spending it. If things are this tight and you feel as if you could use the extra cash, you may want to get a side-hustle or think about whether you can make a case for a raise, even a small one.

       Also, you say you refuse to deprive yourself and I don’t have a problem with that in general, but maybe reassess where the extra money is going. I used to be a regular mani-pedi gal and do gel nails, and I now make 2x the money I used to but added up the costs of those services and decided ultimately I would become a 1x per month pedicure and do my own fingernails person.

15. For my brother and I and most, of not all of, our cousins (Episcopalian and Catholics alike!) we have one godparent from one side of the family and one godparent from the other side of the family. My mom’s brother is my godfather and my dad’s sister is my godmother.

16. A relative of mine, not that far apart in age, is getting married and I’m struggling with dealing with feelings of comparisons and envy. It just seems like her romantic and family life and house and everything seems so perfect. My own situation in some of these areas seem so lacking in comparison. Has anyone here dealt with rather persistent feelings like this? I’ve tried gratitude lists, focusing on my own stuff, etc. etc. but it doesn’t seem to be working at all :/

    1. I did. Until I saw that things aren’t always what they seem. You will also see this in time.

       1. +1000

       2. Yes and no. Lots of people are projecting a happy image on social media and privately struggling, but there are also are people in wonderful marriages who adore their kids and like their jobs and really do have it all. Rather than saying “her life isn’t as good as it seems”, I think it’s better to focus on yourself. Maybe her life isn’t as good as it seems, but maybe it is. That’s not really the point. Whatever good things you have there will always be someone who has more and your’e not going to be happy as long as you’re comparing yourself to others.

    2. Keep working on it. Comparing yourself to other people is the fastest way to misery. Run your own race.

    3. You need to step outside of your ruminations, and realize how lucky you are.

       You need to volunteer for something truly meaningful.

17. Do people wear those with dress shoes, like pumps? Why didn’t I know?

18. I’m just glad to hear you are donating more. I don’t usually fret about my income level, but recently I have wanted to give to so many organizations—stop the DAPL pipeline, don’t sell parkline, act like human beings to other homes man beings, where ever they are from, etc. It really bothers me that I can’t. The only ones that come to mind right now are the Council on American Muslim Relations, which is more about Syrian refugees, but not only that, and the legal fund of the NAACP. I’ll wait fb for appeals over the weekend and post later.

    Btw, I hit “reply” to the question on donations to stop the horror at the border, but it looks like this post is going to land further down the thread, disconnected from that one. Sorry!

19. On wander/wonder—I used to come nutze the spelling of “loose” and “lose” all the time, until someone made a joke about “loosing” a moose in the woods, and how would that even work? She wasn’t my boss or even at work, but I appreciate her saying it. I don’t like looking stupid.

20. Does anyone have recommendations for sock liners in extended sizes? I have size 12 feet and the liners I have seem to fit but slip off my heel while I walk. Does that happen to people with smaller size feet?

    1. Smartwool secret sleuth liners come in sizes. They all slip off my size 10 feet, but I can get them to stay on when I add a strip of fashion tape on the heel.

21. Seeking the wisdom of the hive: I am on a quest to replace our living room rug. Need a large 9×12 rug that can withstand two toddlers and two cats. I am considering a “performance” rug that RHardware just came out with and it is supposed to be indestructible. It is way pricer than the Wool/Jute rug I was considering from PB, but way softer. Will try and post link below. Thoughts?

    https://www.restorationhardware.com/catalog/product/product.jsp?productId=prod13950041&categoryId=cat13390145

    1. They’re taking you for a ride with that rug. It’s made from PET– plastic. If you want a plastic rug, get an inexpensive outdoor rug made from propylene (also plastic). DO NOT BUY A JUTE RUG. Ever! It is miserable for holding onto stains and odors. The single best material for rugs is wool. Get a 100%, hand knotted (not tufted) wool rug. They’re washable and best for pets/kids. PB has some hand knotted wool rugs (Ballard does too–Casa Florentina line, although I haven’t seen any samples in person), or you can look for a rug seller on etsy/ebay for a vintage one.

       1. Also, if you want to learn more about rugs, google “Rug Chick” for an expert’s blog with a buying guide.

    2. I don’t know if this is too late to reach you, but I SWEAR by rugsUSA. I bought two rugs there, my friends bought one on my recommendation. Seemed ‘too good to be true’ but I had no issue. Great quality, fast shipping.

22. Not sure what I’m looking for…
    I have a teammate that appears to be falsifying information about her current and past roles.
    For the current role, her Linkedin lists a title that adds “senior” to her actual title (we have names and titles on our website and also in the HR system, and are NOT a title-lite company.) and also describes someone else’s role, which is also closely aligned to our company’s USP. (eg. from consulting world, the equivalent would be “consulted with companies to provide strategic guidance on M&A” when her role is actually to sell access to software used for performance management)
    My doubts about her past experience come from the inconsistency (she has retroactively changed her titles on linkedin, spoke about “heading” and “leading” teams. The size of teams, at their max, as described by her varies between 12 and 2, claims x work-experience in specific industries while her Linkedin supports only 0.5x.. Also claims experience working with specific employers not listed on Linkedin- specifically claims experience in consulting and can neither create a functional excel sheet or a deck and writes with a million typos and weird capitalization- which is rare for consultants)
    She also claims expertise in tools and processes she doesn’t possess, and as a result, creates a lot of messes for me to cleanup. The only rational way this affects me is her sniping at the “attention” my work gets – people perceive it as complex and fun, so we’ve had a couple of educational sessions on demand.
    She has been ranting about her role as being beneath her for weeks and recently gave herself the promotion listed above. I could very well just be at a BEC point with her but don’t know what, if anything i can/should do.

    1. The first and biggest thing you can do is stay away from her LinkedIn profile.

       Also, whenever possible, leave alone the work messes she creates. If she’s messing up your work, then that might be something you’ll need to address.

       And then (this is the hard part), evict her from your head; you’re spending way too much mental time on her. I get how hard this is– when I have a person like this near me, it’s hard not to fixate. Basically, you have to let it go.

    2. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot you can do about an inflated LinkedIn profile, irritating though it can be.

       In terms of messing stuff up by claiming expertise she doesn’t have, this might be something you could talk to your manager about. Don’t accuse her of lying or inflating her background, just bring it up in the course of your 1:1s: “I just wanted to mention that I’m spending a fair amount of time correcting things that Berthinda works on, for example, [insert description of the issue and how it impacted you]. I wanted to bring it to your attention because it doesn’t always feel like the best use of my time, and frankly, can be frustrating.”

       Your manager can decide what to do with that info and give you some guidance on how to respond. If your manager says “Oh, but she’s got such a strong background in this, surely she must be doing better,” just say that you really can only speak to the work you’ve done with her. You will come off much more professionally if you avoid anything that sounds like you’re making accusations or like you’ve got a conspiracy theory – stay away from phrases like “falsifying information” and just share with your manager how she is impacting your ability to work efficiently.

       You may consider doing some calculations ahead of time to figure out how much of this is a genuine time suck, and how much is BEC time. Like, if it only took you 15 min to offer feedback on grammatical errors and weird capitalization, but then you spent 3 hours stewing about it and comparing her LinkedIn to your HR system… it might not be worth saying anything to your manager and just working on not letting it bother you.

23. Hi
    My Derm put me on 8 weeks minocycline course for clear up my skin. Lately I started experiencing sensitive stomach, very dry lips, and a general tiredness. I work in a very fast paced law firm. I take more restroom breaks now. Kind of wind down the work by 6 pm because I am too tired work on anything. I usuallly work from 6 pm to 9 at least three times a week. I am more productive during that time with quiet office, less client emails and no calender reminders popping up.
    Other than taking minocycline, there aare no other changes in my life. Anyone experienced the same? Should I up the probiotics ? Any suggestion ? Thanks in advance.

    1. I had to stop with the minocycline because of side effects (for me it was dizziness, but tiredness is a common side effect too).

    2. Have you tried spironolactone? I’ve been taking it for acne for several years with minor side effects. The only noticeable one is that I pee slightly more often because it’s a diuretic.

24. I wear liners with shoes to keep my feet more comfortable, but for me, they have to be completely hidden. I see women occasionally wearing liners that show and it looks terrible (IMHO). Target offers liners in a range from minimal coverage/hidden liner to fuller coverage. The minimal coverage/hidden liners are invisible with most of my shoes.

    1. Also I should add that Target’s liners have a little rubbery strip at the top of the heel that keeeps them up. It works really well for me.

25. Thank you!

    I just might need to get over the annoyance and deal.

    Fwiw, the linkedin changes flooded my feed in the middle of a company planning retreat last week where we talked about the org structure-the linkedin obsession sounds a lot crazier than it was, the BE C however, is real ;)

26. Is anyone willing to share:

    1) Advice to a young associate on how to manage-up, i.e. use good judgment on when to approach a partner about deadline/priority conflicts with work for another partner;

    2) Strategies or processes that have worked well for managing an associate who is working for multiple partners, specifically in a tiny firm environment without “supervising” attorneys?

27. Anyone still reading? Want to help a fair skinned girl find a sunless tanner that doesn’t stink to high heaven?

    Everyone on earth recommends the Jergens Natural Glow lotion, so I got it and used it last night. Good grief the scent. I feel like I bathed in cheap cologne. I actually couldn’t sleep last night because of the olfactory assault.

    Are there any similar sunless tanning lotions that are unscented or at least only lightly scented? I’m a fair skinned redhead, so I need one that builds color slowly.

    My nose and I thank you for your recommendations!

    1. Banana boat (I dilute it with unscented lotion) & if you don’t mind one that washes off, soap & glory makes one that is a little intense color wise (I have to dilute it as well), but smells great.

28. Someone posted on Friday that she was looking for places to donate to help stop children being taken from their parents at the border. Quite a few are listed here.
    https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2018/06/how-you-can-fight-family-separation-at-the-border.html

29. Test

30. First-time caller. What do you do about headcoverings at a law firm? I’m Christian; this is not exactly a common practice but it is one I am considering due to certain religious convictions and a need to heal from past trauma. I’m not saying I want to go full Amish, but the style I like is one that looks like a very stretched-out, long headband and would not cover further than the base of my skull or so. I could even go shorter, but I do want the top of my head covered.

    I’m perfectly happy to wear plain, somber fabrics and colors anyhow; wearing them for professionalism would not be a sacrifice! I am also reading up on the subject from a legal standpoint, whether a court would toss me for doing this, but I wanted to ask here since you are, by and large, women, and I have trusted this site’s advice for years.

    1. Headcoverings are legally protected, however, whether or not that results in discrimination anyway, we can’t say. I’m familiar with the type of head covering you’re talking about– it does look more like a headband to the secular world, which may hurt you a little bit because people interpret it as a headband rather than a religious covering. If you do go this route, I’d pick the same color/style to wear daily to communicate it’s more than a fashion accessory. My other suggestion would be to pair that with something that does look more identifiably religious– several independent stores make Catholic veil/Catholic headcoverings which are more sheer or gauzy. They also make some that are in the “infinity scarf” style which are easy to pull up/down. You could do black covering plus black sheer scarf and it would look more religious to a layperson. (Although I believe in the Catholic tradition white coverings were associated with unmarried women and black with married, so you may want to be aware of that if you weren’t already).

       1. Thank you! I did not know that there were colors for Catholics; while my family did go to a Catholic church, it was very liberal, so we never saw anyone cover, either married or not. Black may be the best way to go, as I intend to put together a workday “uniform” of some kind, something that can be worn into court in a pinch — maybe wear a cardigan in the office but keep a jacket handy to be swapped out. I’d prefer long skirts to trousers, to perhaps make the distinction between fashion statement and actual religious decision a little more clear. Covering + skirts tends to send a message that one or the other alone does not.

          I have time to sort this all through, thank goodness, and to pray and to talk with my pastor about it. If it turns out that the answer is “cover behind the scenes, go without in the courtroom” then I can probably be fine with that. An infinity scarf could be great for that scenario: pull it up when I’m out of sight of the public, leave it down otherwise.

          1. Yes, black would look very nice and would communicate your intentions. I don’t know how many practicing Catholics who are aware of the head covering/mantilla history — that was something popular in the 1960s (Jackie O wore them), and I believe something something the Pope later on didn’t re-ratify that rule, so it fell out of fashion. Again, I think the only thing to consider is that your choice of covering just isn’t as well known, so you could adopt a more conservative approach (something like infinity + covering or something that resembles a hijab) to court, because it will be instantly identifiable as religious. Or to go without seems like a good idea if you’re comfortable with it.

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