Coffee Break: Black Tea Time Reverse Eye Cream

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1. have you started buying for the holidays yet? what was your first purchase? (and, how do you keep track?)

   1. Some rubber holiday stamps on Etsy along with some blank postcards that I’ll give my niece and nephew after Thanksgiving.

   2. I haven’t started, but I have a running list on my phone of links and ideas — whenever something strikes, I write it down there. Probably in a few weeks I’ll take a look through it and start purchasing gifts.

      1. I do this too, and then I check them off after I purchase

   3. Ugh, yes, I bought new ornaments. I hate that I’m like this! But my tree is going to be gorgeous this year! I also finished the thanksgiving menu. Now can I apply any of this energy to my job? Nope!

   4. This year I plan to regift a bunch of things from last Christmas so I guess I started already 😬

   5. A Staub Dutch oven for my daughter. William Sonoma was having a sale.

      1. This is such a good gift. I have one and love it. Which color did you get?

         1. Sage. She has some light green touches in her current kitchen so hopefully she’ll like it.

      2. Nice! I’ve been buying my 21 year old son Staub for about 3 years now. He had an apartment style dorm for his first two years of college, and now he’s in a real apartment. He’s quite the cook these days!

   6. I bought a few books that were on sale on prime day last week and some decorations and wrapping paper when I happened to be at Ikea the weekend before.

      But I have to admit that I was pretty irked that the local Menard’s had many aisles of Christmas stuff this weekend and only a few snow shovels, none of which were unpacked and therefore required getting special permission to actually purchase. Christmas is two months away, but it was only a few degrees above freezing this morning and snow is definitely possible at pretty much any point now. Priorities, people!

   7. Started with kid gifts – book sets, pjs, and clothing from the Hanna Andersson sale and Prime days.

   8. Our family keeps Christmas wish lists on a site called Drawnames that helps us stay organized on one side of the family at least. The adults do a Secret Santa and all the kids get gifts. I haven’t started shopping yet though.

   9. I bought my nephew a kindle during the Prime sale and I bought my daughter the new Glossier Rêve fragrance. Both will probably be early holiday gifts because I’m bad at waiting.

   10. I started this weekend. I always aim to be done before Thanksgiving. I purchased Ugg Tasmans for my daughter and some craft supplies that she requested

   11. I love buying Advent calendars for my three daughters. One is getting MAC, another SpaceNK, and the third Charlotte Tillbury and Voluspa. Now two of them have serious boyfriends so I need to find dude ones!

       My tracking system involves jotting unintelligible notes on a legal pad. You’re welcome for that great advice.

   12. I wouldn’t buy so early unless it was something I knew the recipient would never need to exchange or return. Otherwise, you’re running the clock on them unnecessarily. We generally share lists mid-November. This helps us work together to avoid duplicates while still staying current since tastes and needs change.

   13. Starting in late summer I start picking things up if and when I see something that feels like a good gift. I think the very first thing I bought this year was at a weekend festival in August, and it was some witchy goodie bags (think: sage, a crystal, etc. wrapped up together) that I’ll put in some of my family members’ stockings.

2. TLDR: Would you be upset if your insurance company that you’ve been with for 30+ years cancelled a policy because you were 15 days late on the payment, with no other notice?

   I few days ago logged into my husband’s side of State Farm to pay his term insurance and noticed we had an outstanding bill for the car insurance. I paid that while I was in there too. (We’re both on all the policies but I can only pay his term insurance through his login for some reason.) I noticed it was late and had a scary “cancellation warning.” Today in the mail we received a notice of cancellation, so I logged back into his account to see if everything was OK and how overdue we were. It was due 9/28. That was it.

   I’m pissed and want to leave State Farm entirely to the extent we can. They have our 20-year term policies, home insurance policy, personal articles policy, and car policies.

   1. I am pretty sure you can cure this by making the payment now. Just call them. But it is my experience that all insurance e companies operate similarly, so I don’t think you are going to do better by switching.

   2. Just call them. I’m sure their system that automatically reviews policies for nonpayment of premium is not programmed to check how loyal you are.

      1. This.

   3. Please report back if/when you get this rectified. We have had lots of issues with State Farm recently and would really like to find something better if it is out there!

   4. The State Farm billing/payment system is annoying. I have mine on autopay, but had some unexpected expenses come up and my bank account over drafted. I immediately rectified it but the State Farm system doesn’t let you retry a payment or give a grace period, it just shuts off your autopay. I had to call my agent to get it taken care of. Such a pain.

   5. I would guess the letter crosses in the mail with your payment. Usually state law requires some time of mailed notice to cancel for nonpayment so it’s entirely possible they will not cancel you since you have paid.

      1. That was my thought too. The process of sending the cancellation letter was well underway when you made the payment.

   6. It should not be a problem and you should be able to get the policy retroactively applied. These kinds of things happen all the time. Especially given that you’re a long time customer just get on the phone an escalate it to a customer service manager.

      1. +1 I don’t think this is worth being really upset over. And use auto pay, for heaven’s sake!

   7. You are probably fine just call them

   8. OP here – I’m sorry I forgot to say that I paid the overdue bill when I was logged in, before we got the notice. So we are OK (and logging in today confirmed it).

      Thank you guys for the perspective adjustment, I guess I shouldn’t get too upset about it.

      1. the little corporate cogs that start the process of actually generating that letter were past the point of no return even though you paid before they mailed it!

   9. I don’t think this is a big deal. I’m also a State Farm customer and have done this a f couple times. When you pay it’s reinstated effective immediately. If you call they can probably waive any late payment fees.

      As long as you didn’t have an accident in that window everything is fine. It’s not like health insurance where even a brief lapse can be a huge deal.

   10. I don’t think this is a big deal. I’m also a State Farm customer and have done this a couple times. When you pay it’s reinstated effective immediately. If you call they can probably waive any late payment fees.

       As long as you didn’t have an accident in that window everything is fine. It’s not like health insurance where even a brief lapse can be a huge deal.

       1. Sorry didn’t mean to post twice.

   11. They’re required by law to send the cancellation notice. Don’t take it personally. They will cancel you if you’re something like 60 days late (varies by state law) but they’re also required to send out tons of notices ahead of that.

       Just pay your bill and move on.

       1. This. I’m an attorney for an insurance company. It’s statutory down to the font they use. They are not messing with you personally, I promise.

          1. Another attorney for an insurance company chiming in to say the same.

3. How do you celebrate non-milestone birthdays? I didn’t grow up doing much and I’m routinely frustrated by the lack of any ideas or desires around it. I turn 39 next year. Or should I just ditch it and plan for my 40th? I travel often for work so while I enjoy traveling it’s hard to make it that big a deal. Also I envy those who have family or girlfriends that travel together, mine always disappoint me. I did a few parties when younger but even that feels more work than fun these days🤷‍♀️ DINK.

   1. This past weekend was my birthday! My significant other and I always do something fun–this year it was a ballet and dinner. I also always have dinner or lunch with a bunch of friends. Not a party or anything, just a low-key get together. This year we gathered at a local restaurant for lunch. No party room or anything, but my group of friends does typically exchange small gifts, so it feels special and celebratory.

   2. I usually just do a family dinner for my birthday or a lunch with girlfriends. For my 40th this year, I did the same thing and felt great about it… As someone like you who has routinely felt the way you describe, consider talking to a therapist about it. I realized that I had a ton of issues from the ways my birthdays happened growing up, and once I sorted some of those out, I came to be at peace with some simple celebrations that were meaningful to me.

   3. Dinner with family, lunch or happy hour with friends.

   4. girl, if your partner isn’t doing it get online and make yourself a reservation at the best restaurant you’ve been wanting to try! and treat yourself to dessert that night!

      We always do nice dinners for birthdays. Mine is in February so we can’t do much unless we plan a trip, but for my husband’s in early October we always pick a new-to-us area, pick 4-8 places to stop and drink, eat, shop, whatever, and go there. We’re parents so we don’t get to explore a lot. We call it our yearly walkabout.

   5. Travel-level celebration for every birthday is a lot. Heck, we don’t even do that for milestones! In my view, birthday parties are for kids, and once I became an adult a text and a gift from my closest family members is great with me. If I had no kids, I’d definitely go out for a nice dinner, though.

      No shade if you and your friends like celebrating…but I don’t understand adults expecting other adults to make a big thing of a birthday or getting offended if they don’t mark the occasion.

   6. Usually some sort of nice dinner and a cake or dessert. That’s it.

   7. Until my kid was in K-12 school we often traveled on my birthday. But that had a lot to do with early May being an excellent time for travel in most of North America and Europe. It wasn’t really about my birthday. Now with a kid in school we can’t travel on the actual day, and only plan a belated “birthday trip” for milestone years. For non-milestones usually just some combination of dinner, cake, flowers. Last year DH dropped the ball on ordering the cake and I baked my own cake and that sucked so I’m going to very clear going forward that bakery-made cake is the biggest thing I want.

   8. Plan the birthday you want. If you suspect friends or husband won’t be able to take the time/money/whatever to join you, then plan what you want solo. If you want a trip, do the trip. If you just want to take the day off and go have a massage and a pastry, don’t let that stop you. I’ve had dinners with a bunch of friends and done some trips. As I get older, I’ve learned it’s more about what makes me happy then any sort of expectation of what a birthday “should” look like. Last year I took the day off and went hiking at a park about two hours away with my dog and stopped off for a fancy cake I bought myself. My husband had also bought me a cake (not as good, but he seemed so happy to present it, so I accepted appreciatively), and we had dinner out. And it honestly was the best birthday. I wouldn’t have changed a thing. We’re not gift folks. But if we were, I wouldn’t hesitate to give him ideas. Life is short. Make yourself happy.

4. Has anyone had laser to reduce the appearance of jowls? I don’t want the puffy look I see with filler but my cheeks are sagging.

   1. +1

   2. I think this is what a lower facelift is for but maybe some of the more extreme lasers would help to tighten? I was just talking with my injection RN about this and she suggested the tiniest amount of filler just behind and in front of the jowl to help soften it and a touch in the cheeks to plump up. I may try the filler route next year but honestly thinking about a facelift in 2-3 years.

      1. This (the facelift) is my thinking too.

      2. Yeah I’m thinking this is a case for injectibles or the scalpel, not laser. I love lasers but this isn’t really what they’re for.

         1. this is what I’m doing too. A tiny bit of filler now and then deep plane face lift in the next 5-10 years (I’m mid-40s).

   3. This is definitely a surgical case, you won’t get noticeable improvement with lasers or fillers for lower face. I would go with a lower facelift.

5. If you stopped running for a while and want to get back into it where do you start? I ran cross country in high school and until I was about 6 months pregnant. Now my oldest is 8 years old and my youngest is in kindergarten, I want to start again. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and nervous about getting back into it. It is also hot hot (temp still on the 90s) where I live now so advice for that would be appreciated.

   1. Start slow, don’t try to set mileage/speed/frequency goals that are too lofty or you’ll be less likely to stick with it if you’re not making them. Run with other people to make it more enjoyable and build in some accountability.

   2. Run by rate of perceived exertion for a set period of time, like a half hour. Walk if you need to; just make sure to walk at a brisk pace.

   3. In a similar place, I started walking, increasing the distance pretty much daily. Eventually I felt like running, so I added spurts of running in. Then those spurts were longer. I used landmarks to mark the distances. And then I was running the whole time. I think this is how Couch to 5k programs work.

   4. I’ve done Couch to 5K before for this, maybe 5 years ago in my early 40s.
      You may need/want to stretch some more before/after you run. If you had pelvic or hip problems in your pregnancies or beynd you should look into the MYRTL exercises to sort of wake up your hips and glutes before you go.

      1. I second C25K. I’ve used it twice — first time when I started running two years post parfum and the second time this summer after being sidelined by an injury for two years.

      2. third c25k. I’m about to start it because I have to “run” a 5k with my daughter in 6 weeks.

6. gift idea for very talented floral and textile designer needed….please recommend!

   1. my first thought was some equipment to silk screen flowers onto textiles – but that’s probably way too close to her job. Rare plant? Something with extinct plants, like a book? Trip to a botanical garden?

      I guess the big question is what’s your price range and are you local to her?

      1. +1 on price range. My mind went to the museum of fine arts or MOMA gift shop but some of the things there are up there in price range.

   2. I got a friend a 3D printed vase recently and he loved it!

      I wouldn’t give work tools or anything like that unless the person has asked for them.

   3. Depending on her style, “An American in Provence” by Jamie Beck might be a book right up her alley. Jamie Beck is a talented photographer who takes amazing photos of floral arrangements and other scenes. Typing this out it sounds really boring and bland. But I gave this as a Christmas gift to my hard to please oil-painter MIL and she loved it if that helps.

      1. Oh wow! That’s a great idea! Inspiring!

7. Vent about my boss. I have worked with him for 9 years and always thought we had a good working relationship. Last year, he recruited and hired another manager from a competitor company to lead a different department than me. On the surface this new manager looked great, but I started noticing that he would keep information from me on key projects when it was convenient to him, and just leave me in the dark. It became difficult for me to do my job because my company is very cross functional, so while he manages a different department than me, I would have to scramble to get the information I needed from the new manager’s direct reports or random other coworkers. He would ignore my calls, skip my meetings. I started not to trust the new manager. I told my boss that I didn’t trust the new manager, and much to my surprise and upset, he listened to me talk, told me I should make more efforts to communicate better, and then he went and told the new manager that I don’t trust him. WTH. So then I get a call from the new manager confronting me, why don’t you trust me? I told him it’s because you don’t give me the information I need, you don’t answer my calls, you skip my meetings. He blamed the communication problems on “being busy” and his direct report who is a level below me who he said is the person that is supposed to communicate with me. I don’t trust the new manager, and I’m floored by my boss… and don’t trust him now either. My workplace feels like a giant ridiculous high school.

   1. That sounds awful, I’m sorry! Do you have a grandboss who knows your work? I wouldn’t loop them into this but make sure you’re visible to them and they see you doing your usual great job. I’d probably also start dusting off my resume.

   2. I’d leave.

   3. Sounds like you’re being set up. Agree with increasing your visibility, and dusting off the resume. Are you networking internally in your company and in your industry? Time to start.

   4. What did you want your boss to do? The other manager sounds like he is not fully doing his job and doesn’t understand the culture of your workplace, but I’m not getting anything nefarious from what you’ve said. You’re the one who seems to be making this high school-y by expecting your boss to, like, collude with you or something and jumping straight to not trusting.

      1. ummm wow

         1. Agree. That was an interesting take.

      2. Or, perhaps her boss could have taken responsibility for a problem within his team and addressed it rather than dismissing it. A mutual meeting, for example. Blowing someone’s concerns off unravels the trust needed for teamwork.

         The idea that the OP is looking for “collusion” is a ridiculous take here, as is the idea that the boss should be shrugging this off instead of dealing with the issue brought to his attention.

   5. The trust word is a big one to throw around in the workplace in the context of New Manager. Even if you’re right, starting with “I’m struggling to get timely information from New Manager despite trying X, Y, and Z” doesn’t have the emotional baggage of “distrust.”

      So to fix this temporarily, even though it’s not really your fault, I’d say to New Manager that what you meant wasn’t that you thought he was intentionally deceiving you, just that this is the problem you’re trying to fix (open communications), you were talking to Boss about how to fix it, and that’s what you’d like to focus on. “Direct report doesn’t tend to have all the context you do. Now that’s not surprising given your different roles and sensitivity of some work (FLATTERY!). But sometimes big-picture red flags don’t emerge until much later, when I’ve had a chance to get you in the loop. It would save all of us a lot of time if we could catch those early on. How can we accomplish this in a way that doesn’t crowd your calendar?”

      In the meantime, though, you’re right to be on guard around Boss, who, for the benefit of everyone, really shouldn’t have relayed your comments like that!

8. What is your favorite affordable (ideally less than $300) wool coat? I live in Chicago and only currently own a Patagonia ski jacket, a Mackage super thick puffer (for 20 degrees or colder IMO), and a Fjallraven coat (40 degrees or colder all purpose). I am wanting something that looks professional that will keep me warm during the rest of the Fall and early Winter maybe. Is it too early in the season to be shopping?

   Thanks!

   1. The wrap wool belted Michael Kors coat. I have had it for over 10 years and it look great still. Its on sale right now.

      1. This one? https://www.macys.com/shop/product/michael-michael-kors-womens-belted-wrap-coat?ID=18291768&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&trackingid=&m_sc=sem&m_sb=Google&m_tp=PLA&m_ac=Google_Womens_PLA&m_ag=&m_cn=GS_Women%27s_Coats_PMax_PLA&m_pi=go_cmp-20727326790_adg-_ad-__dev-c_ext-_prd-197957158431USA&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwgrO4BhC2ARIsAKQ7zUkN482Z-4mFfBXq0zYoHUw-jj-I3x1UZ29fUrTHZGydMe4EkawDiGIaAp8QEALw_wcB

         1. Yes that’s the one! I have the charcoal but I don’t see it here. Might be available on another site.

      2. well, that does not look warm enough for Chicago for me–maybe until Dec. 1 or After March 15 or so. Signed, from Boston, so I have a big collection of coats, too.

   2. I bought a beautiful camel long wool coat from Banana Republic last Christmas. It’s not as warm as the ones you listed, but it got me from Union Station to the Daley Center on some cold days.

   3. More than $300 I think, but I like my JCrew wool coat. Much warmer than the navy wool coat from Macys I wore for 10 years in Chicago. I have a zippered version with a standing collar and hood. So far its done me well on my commutes except the most bitter puffer required days.

   4. Wrap wool blend (cashmere?) Ralph Lauren. Look at Macys.

      you can great deals next month

      1. I have two wool-cashmere wrap coats from Lauren Ralph Lauren. They look much expensive than they were and have worn well.

   5. My usual recommendation is to buy wool coats in January. They are usually half price then.

      Try J Crew, Ralph Lauren, and Dillards. In January with the sales, Hobbs might be in your budget.

9. Just sharing because I know people often recommend Salt Fat Acid Heat here. I found end of season Roma tomatoes on sale for $1.50 per pound and just made the Pomarola sauce recipe from the book. So fresh and delicious. And now there’s some in the freezer for later.

   If you have the book, check it out! Page 292 in my book.

10. I’m Negotiating a separation agreement with my company (at their request) and they have language referencing the non compete I signed when I started will still be in effect for one year post termination. This is bananas right? It’s in both our interests for me to get a new role and there’s not much about my current legal work that’s useful to a competitor (or that I would ever share, if it came up due to confidentiality). What’s a good argument to make here?

    1. You’re negotiating. Don’t agree to any form of non compete. Point out that the non compete is probably unenforceable but don’t agree to one anyway.

       https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/news/press-releases/2024/04/ftc-announces-rule-banning-noncompetes

    2. Leaving aside the FTC ruling, that is hardly “bananas.” You signed a non-compete agreement and the separation agreement will rightly reference it.

       What exactly do you do?

       1. I’d assume they pay me for keeping me off the market at a minimum. thats not where we are…yet.

          1. You signed it when you started. Did it contain a provision for later payment?

             What exactly are you expecting?

    3. Well, did you sign a noncompete when you started? Did it have an exception for termination vs. resignation? Are they trying to change the terms, or just cross-reference what you agreed to when you took the job?

       you might look into whether noncompetes are enforceable against attorneys (assuming you are one based on your reference to legal work) in your geography.

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