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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Otis Dress

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A woman wearing a blue and white stripe dress with black pointed heels

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This Veronica Beard dress reminds me of an old-school banker stripe shirt, but in a much more sophisticated, feminine form. I like that the silky fabric has a little bit of stretch to it.

I would pair it with some tortoiseshell heels and my favorite gold jewelry for an elegant office look.  

The dress is $698 at Bloomingdale’s and comes in sizes 00-16; you can also find it at Neiman Marcus (in stripe and a solid dark brown); Nordstrom and Veronica Beard have lucky sizes left.

Looking for something similar but more affordable? Quince has a number of wrap dresses in regular and plus sizes, including some with collars; Dillard's also has a few.

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

254 Comments

    1. Here is a nuance question on this dress. It is shiny. I read somewhere after I started working, and after I bought a ton of silk suits at somewhere like Loehman’s, that shiny fabrics are for evening, not day or office events. So those silk suits were more for an office holiday party but not for the office 9-5. Is that not the rule now? I am wary of buying things for occasions that are rarely on my calendar these days. I need more daily driver clothes for an office that isn’t fancy, even by 2024 standards.

      2. This dress would be entirely appropriate in my formal law office for non-court days (assuming accessories and hair/makeup were done appropriately). So too with silk blouses, etc. A full suit made of silk does sound more like evening wear to me.

      3. yeah, this dress doesn’t read 100% office to me. The kind of thing that the woman organizing a benefit lunch would wear to welcome attendees. It’s the sheen. If the fabric was more matte silk, it would be more versatile IMHO.

        Like those fancy silk suits from decades past were for daytime weddings, not work.

        1. I know. I wore them to work because I was poor and it was technically a suit, but it just felt wrong. Like wearing a wool flannel suit in the summer. Right but not 100%.

      4. Agreed. I try to avoid shiny fabrics in the day as well. And with all the rough surfaces one encounters in daily life this wouldn’t last very long before brushing up against something.

      5. I have seen this dress in the wild and the shiny finish does read as a little bit out of place at the office. It looks like the wearer should be a wedding guest, bridal shower attendee, graduation audience member.

      6. This rule was included in etiquette do’s and dont’s from my mom, arbiter of all things appropriate. So it is (or was) a thing.

        I remember going to church with my MIL and seeing high school/college girls wearing party dresses to church. Yes, technically it’s a dress, but a teal satin halter neck dress is not normally what one wears to church.

      7. I have this same “shiny is not for the office” rule. I also don’t wear satin blouses to the office – but I will wear silk with a more matte finish.

        1. Same.

          I once wore a silk chanting skirt suit to work in a courthouse because I didn’t quite get that hot all suits are the same (for women; men have it easy).

      9. Shiny clothes are not my friend. Highlight every lump and bump. Even my silk blouses are more on the matte side.

    2. I think this is one of those “know your workplace” types of things. At my former employer (law firm and very conservative regarding attire because we spent a lot of time in court) this would have been out of place. At my first in-house role in a more creative industry this would have been perfect and the marketing and sales people would have been falling over themselves to compliment my dress.

      And at my current job it would be out of place because we are rarely that formal (we are a jeans and blazer office) but I would wear it for days where I have meetings where I need to project authority but not be stuffy.

    3. I love it. It would look terrible on me because I don’t have the smooth shape for bias cuts, but it’s aspirational AF.

    4. I like the dress, but would use if for an evening work thing, not daytime.

      Would love a camel or gold and black version.

      1. it’s less that i think satin is dressy than that this just doesn’t seem like a practical fabric to wear all day– wrinkles, stains, etc.

  2. What are we wearing to tech conferences these days? I feel like its become more complicated to dress for the rare in person events since I’m WFH the rest of the time. Black slacks and a sweater? Sometimes conference means a suit but tech is so casual so not necessarily? I’m not presenting or anything

    1. I am in communications/web strategy and attend web conferences with various tech tracks. I wear comfortable non-denim office pants (stretchy and/or wide leg is key for sitting at sessions) with a button shirt and cardigan/pullover OR dark jeans with a comfortable blazer.

      Key here: 1) simple clothes that tech guys will recognize as low-key competent and in charge, despite our different roles, 2) dressy on the top or bottom–not both–so I look like someone who can get my hands dirty when needed. If I’m presenting, I wear the pants and non-matching blazer together.

      Carry a tote (one bag) for your laptop, a jacket in case the hotel is freezing, and an umbrella. Wear comfortable shoes for walking around the city. I usually wear either low-heeled boots or dark leather sneakers.

    2. Boy, it depends on your part of tech. In younger branches of tech (social media, crypto, etc.), you’d be out of place in black pants and a sweater — even relatively senior folks are in jeans and a put together top half.

      1. Very mainstream, not that trendy.
        Also I don’t really wear jeans, so looking for alternatives that are not that.

        1. I’ve been going to environmental tech conferences for 14+ years – my tech niche industry is very casual.

          I’m very late, but if you’re still checking – one of my favorite tech conference outfits when I don’t want jeans is a black dress (knee or midi length), jean jacket with inside pockets to stash a phone and business cards, and cute sneakers. You could do a similar version with skirts, etc. whatever you normally wear. One solid color on the base layer, jean jacket to casual it up, and sneakers so that you just look smart.

          I’m not a giant fan of sneakers with dresses, but I get on board with them for conferences. Cool smart girl who doesn’t destroy her feet wins tech conference respect, in my experience.

    3. My sister works in tech and she’s a girly girl. She used to have to wear the company polo, khaki pants, and black shoes to conferences. I told her to quit her job.

    4. More casual pants – wide leg would be good and on trend. Layers on top since it’s always freezing at conferences, I like a nice t-shirt in a color you feel good in with a structured cardigan or jacket. Sneaker or flats, I always see rothys at these sorts of things.

  3. I didn’t see Friday’s thread in time, but my middle son looks EXACTLY like his paternal great-grandparents. We knew he resembled my FIL, but he has quite distinctive eyes and eyebrows and I didn’t know where they came from until I saw a picture of FIL’s parents. He has his great-grandfather’s eyes and eyebrows and his great-grandmother’s face shape.

    And my husband resembles his mother, who is 100% Irish, while FIL is 100% French Canadian. Genes are wild! My three boys look completely different.

    1. I just cannot see that one of my daughters looks at all like my husband or his people. She is blonde (my side) and he is bald and has the darkest bushy eyebrows. I see my grandmother in her but others see him (we are not related — no Hapsburg situation here). Maybe gender clouds it? My other daughter looks just like me and the whole maternal line.

    2. I was trying to figure out some racial heritage stuff for myself and my kids and learned that you don’t necessarily get a straight 50-50 from each of your parents. You inherit different percentages in different traits in different proportions from your parents and all of their ancestors, so basically my sibling is more of one more race than I am according to blood.

      It’s just like I got my dad‘s nose and my sister got my mom‘s nose, my brother got someone else’s nose entirely.

  4. As I get more gray hair, I feel that my overall hair texture is less straight and more “bad frizz.” And yet the curly hair algorithm on insta is feeding me reels that say that frizzy isn’t a texture but just bad styling plus wrong products. But what do you do where it is maybe 25% of your hair that creates your texture problem?

    1. My hair used to be like this — that wavy bit at the back of your neck, right? I leaned into the curly hair world and it’s all pretty curly now. but yes older hair is drier so whatever you do leave in conditioner.

    2. I find doing a moisturizing mask once a week helps, as does combing in a bit of light leave in oil.

    3. I’ve recommended it here before, but JVN air dry cream is what it takes for me to embrace my curls.

      When your hair is still dripping wet – don’t rub it too much with a towel after washing it – put a half dollar size dollop of the stuff in your hands and rub them together and then scrunch it through your hair. Squeeze and then pat to make sure it’s on the top layer of your hair. It really seems to prevent 90% of frizz for me.

        1. huh – most air dry creams have alcohol, which can be more drying, but this one is CG-approved – can’t wait to try

    4. My hair is very straight, but my grays tend to come in kinky when they are new. I think I’m around 30% gray now, and have been dealing with this for the last 15 years. As a follicle turns over from dark to gray, the first 3-5 inches of the newly-gray hair is kinky, but once it gets past that, it goes back to my original texture (probably 1B).

      When I first started going gray, I just plucked the new strands, since when they grew back, the kink would be gone. I can’t do that any more, so I’ve developed a few strategies:

      1. Even my smooth-textured gray hair is dryer than my old hair was, so I need moisturizing products. I shampoo only 2-3X/week, always deep condition, and use a little oil as part of my styling products.

      2. YMMV, but I got advice to treat the frizziness as damage, which did not work for me. I tried Olaplex and K18, which did nothing for me. And any products with protein or keratin as major ingredients tend to make my hair feel stiff and hard, which is not what I’m going for.

      3. I got a Dyson blow dryer, and the flyaway tool is a game changer. If I have a lot of new, fuzzy gray hairs along my part, that tool smooths them in one pass.

    5. Gray hair is coarser and frizzier than your natural color. You have to blow it out straight.

      1. You do not have to blow it out straight. Many people cut down the frizz with anti-frizz products mentioned here.

      2. Agree with blow drying. I have to use that and an antifrizz leave in and some oil once dry in order to get it nice and smooth. I also am religious about using heat protectant before any straightener or curling iron–my hair is less elastic as I age.

    6. I’m probably 60% gray at this point. I have straight, rather fine hair and never used hair cream or leave-in conditioner before. My gray hair has become somewhat wavy and feels thicker, and now a cream is vital! I use about a nickel-sized dollop before blow-drying.

      This Mielle product is not designed for my hair texture, but it works great. A bottle lasts forever. Makes my hair shiny and soft–not greasy or crunchy.
      https://www.target.com/p/mielle-organics-rosemary-mint-multi-vitamin-daily-styling-creme-8-fl-oz/-/A-75566065#lnk=sametab

  5. Any Lumbee people here? Any hope with this election that they get federal recognition? It seems so overdue and maybe dragged out due to a lot of assimilation (eg Heather Locklear) and geography? I just don’t understand. On my local NPR station today.

    3. I am not Lumbee but have had Lumbee colleagues. I don’t know what’s expected or if there’s hope of federal recognition soon, but the assimilation argument doesn’t seem right to me.

  6. The soup thread over the weekend has me thinking of my favorite soup spot in Boston (now closed, I think). Anyone work in Government Center area around 2010 and go to a soup spot that had amazing veggie lentil, Hungarian mushroom and other soups? I am blanking on the name but would really like to try to recreate the lentil. It may have been Greek inspired…

    6. After spending too much time googling today, I think it is Zo’s! It’s on State Street now, so it must have moved from Pemberton Square.

  7. Hello Corporate folks! I need new black leather boots and am not entirely sure what is not painfully outdated. I am looking for boots I can wear and walk in regularly, so flat to a moderate block heel. I am a size 9, generous calves, and average height.I hate the look of a Chelsea boot and have up to $300 to spend.

      1. I’m flexible! I adored my ankle booties with a block heel, but they don’t seem to be in fashion any more (and my particular shoes died). What’s most important is that the shoes are 1) not painfully out of date, 2) decently attractive, and 3) comfortable to walk in because I live in a city.

    3. I suggest you look at the La Canadienne brand. They are excellent quality, e.g., often leather-lined, and are workhorses made for bitter winters in Canadian cities, so often quite walkable.

      The other recommendation I often offer is to consider Ariat Scout paddock boots — made for horseback riding, and in an old-school black lace-up granny-boot style, but excellent quality (leather lined) and very supportive (steel shank?) so if it’s your style you can wear them walking around in cold weather all over the city, with skirts and slacks.

      Good luck!

  8. Along the lines of LB’s query below… am I imagining a place in the Bay Area in the early aughts with go-karts, laser tag, arcades, and mini golf. I was trying to explain laser tag to my 7 year old and had such a visceral memory of this place but no idea of the name. I grew up in Brentwood and I remember it being a drive.

        1. We have family friends in Dublin CA (we are further west) and it seems like their kids are always getting invited to birthday parties at Boomers.

  9. Teen girl is big into learning Latin. Any good places for gifts that are a bit cute with a Latin or Ancient Rome theme? Like an SPQR hoodie?

    2. Google Ancient Roman cookbooks. When I took Latin in high school we would do a normal potluck but I remember our teacher would talk about cooking traditions and it was super interesting. He would share some recipes too.

    3. All I can tell you is I still have my Semper Ubi Sub Ubi tank top from 1999. Hopefully Grumio has left that poor ancilla alone after all these years.

      1. Another alumna of the Cambridge Latin Course, I see.

        (Grumio didn’t survive Pompei, but Clemens did.)

    4. When I was studying Latin my mother gave me a copy of a Latin translation of Winnie the Pooh.

    5. My bachelor’s degree is in Latin. I have “Latin for all Occasions” which comes in handy for your new answering machine message or your personal ad. I have Winni Ille Pu and Pinnocius. I have all the different post-it pads and t-shirts. I went to all the state and national events (looks great on your transcript!). I have two versions of the “cookbook” from Apicius. I used to do cooking workshops at the conventions. I have never, ever regretted studying Latin. Kudos to her!

    6. Is she involved in the NJCL? Both my state JCL and the national JCL had merch (that supported the programming)

    7. If she likes mysteries, the Medicus series by Ruth Downie is super. There are adult topics, but nothing too graphic. The main characters are superb, and the dry humor is a plus.

  10. What are everyone’s travel plans for the rest of 2024/into 2025? I just got back from a trip and I “beat the blues” by thinking about my next one…

    1. We are going to the Lake District to celebrate our 10th anniversary, and then Christmas in Portugal with my parents. Also I’ve got a conference in Berlin, and I’ve added 2 days, and I’m going to Christmas market & wander.

      1. I’ve wanted to go to the Lake District for a long time, please report back on what you loved etc. And Berlin is one of my favorite cities in the world. Maybe I can just crawl in your suitcase?

      2. I’ve always wanted to go to the Lake District because of Swallows and Amazons. PLEASE report back!

    2. Thanksgiving in Europe (yay for flexible families… and flights from the US that are low-demand those days for supporting the budget!)
      Caribbean New Year’s
      CO ski trip in Feb

    3. A convention (cosplay, comics, etc) in Columbus and an Alaskan cruise. I have lots of cruise/Alaska/Seattle questions.

    5. A local-ish mountain weekend with friends and then Austria for Christmas/my birthday. I have some upcoming work trips in early 2025 that I’m also looking forward to because I genuinely like all the people I work with on my direct team and we all work remote, so don’t get to see each other a lot.

    6. Nothing for the rest of the year which I’m honestly pumped about. I love fall and December and am really happy to be at home to soak up those months.

      I turn 40 next year and went a little nuts planning trips. I currently have the British Virgin Islands, a Disney cruise, a long weekend at a Mexican beach resort, France/Switzerland and South Africa on the books for the first half of 2025. Second half of 2025 should be calmer although we’re going to Bermuda for a friend’s 40th and I may take my kid to Space Camp.

      1. i turn 40 next year too and I’m jealous! Is kiddo joining you for all of these trips? or do you have lots of people eager to watch your children?

        1. Kiddo is joining for most of them. My parents are watching her while DH and I go to Mexico, and my mom and I are doing the BVIs sailing trip without my husband and kid (they would have been welcome but they get seasick easily). Two kid-free trips is a lot for me. I shoot for one a year.

    7. This is a much needed boost today! I’ll play along. We have a couple short (overnight) trips planned, as well as a couple longer trips:
      – End of October: Spain (Madrid and Granada)
      – December: overnight trip for a fancy dinner resevation about 2 hours from home, and long weekend trip to the midwest before Christmas to see my extended family

      Next year I turn 40, and we’re already dreaming about a trip to celebrate. Since we’re likely to go in August, we’re likely to do Scotland.

    8. Paris for NYE. I went last year too and might try and make it an annual thing. And in spring I want to go to Scotland.

    9. We just got back from a long weekend in Lake Tahoe.

      Not much planned for the rest of the year. Probably new years in Mendocino.

      No big trips until we do a section of the Camino de Santiago in June.

  11. i work on a college campus. i am so tired of the student protestors ruining things for other students. their actions do absolutely nothing to help anyone in Palestine or the Palestinian cause. i work in the career center and we had an employer here on Friday and the employer ended up leaving due to the protestors creating an unsafe environment for them and then other students were disappointed because they were interested in the employer and lost their chance to talk to them.

    1. I completely agree. When your protests disturb the right of other students to get the education they’re paying for, you’re not helping anyone. Protests don’t have to be silent and meek, but they also don’t have to be insanely disruptive. People who are not participating in the protest should not be blocked from entering buildings, blocked from sitting in classrooms, blocked from employment fairs, or singled out based on their appearance or religious garb for heckling. Some of the protestors are nothing more than spoiled Trustafarians who would drop their antics in a second if Mommy and Daddy pulled the plug on the money.

      1. I’m with you – it’s one thing to protest, it’s another thing to make it miserable for everyone else on the campus all the livelong day.

    2. The hardest part for me to watch is knowing how a lot of this is being done because they are so convinced of the righteousness of their cause. And when that happens, you can’t see what you are doing in a clear light. But how it impacts others matters. How you advocate matters.

      1. I also think that voting in the upcoming election matters (vs. sitting it out in protest). It’s frustrating to me when young people act so jaded about this when they haven’t even lived through decades of elections where there was a stronger argument to be made that both sides would answer to the same monied interests.

    3. I told my daughter that we are paying college tuition for her to go to class and learn so she can have a career that actually makes the world a better place, not for her to skip class and endanger herself and others engaging in performative activities that benefit no one. The only protest that has a place on a college campus is a protest directly against bad actions committed by the college itself.

      If these kids actually want to do something useful they should go to class, get an education, and vote.

      1. “You can only protest the college itself” seems a little extreme to me. I’m not sympathetic to the current pro-Palestinian campus protests for a number of reasons but peaceful protests have a long and significant history. Vietnam War protests on college campuses were instrumental in changing public opinion and ending the draft and US involvement in the war. And protesting isn’t mutually exclusive with attending class and voting.

    4. i really believe colleges were targeted with dis/information about Palestine in order to separate the middle left from the far left and tank the election. if russian bots can tank the star wars movie i think they can accomplish this too.

      2. I believe this based on how much disinformation they repeat about the war in Ukraine.

    5. Curious if those of you opposing the current campus protests also disapprove of the widespread campus protests against the Vietnam War and apartheid in South Africa?

      1. Oh they absolutely would have, and they absolutely think now they wouldn’t have, because all they care about is to align themselves with power and not rock the boat. And they want their kids to do the same.

      2. These are exactly the same type of people that would have opposed those protests too. People against those protest made the same complaints as today. Same type of people who love to whitewash MLK and point to a revised sanitized version of his life to justify their position of if-you-only-protest-this-perfect-way I would support you.

    6. I just don’t understand why this is the cause that has them up in arms when there are so, so many awful and tragic and evil things happening in the world. How did this one grip all the college students so tightly?

      1. anti-semitism? q anon is also heavy on the antisemitism, basically a modern day elders of zion.

      2. If seeing people being caged in and then murdered doesn’t inspire outrage in you, then I “just don’t understand” you, either. And yes, I’m speaking of both the Israelis who were murdered on Oct 7 and the Palestinians living in Gaza.

        1. but why weren’t students protesting with the same passion the US treatment of migrant children who were separated from their families and kept in cages on US soil? I don’t recall seeing many college protests about that?

          1. Because presumably their colleges were not investing in migrant children detention centres. It’s really not that difficult to figure out, given that the main call is for universities to divest from Israeli settlements.

      3. Antisemitism is the answer (and no, hiding behind “but the U.S. is funding Israel” isn’t the real reason). The U.S. has funded a lot of anti-human-rights regimes and no one cares unless Jews are the targets.

        1. Well, my attention to the matter was demanded by certain American Jews, including some on this board, immediately after Oct. 7. Demanded. It is constantly suggested on Israeli propaganda feeds that the world ignores Israel due to anti-Semitism and in the same breath that the same anti-Semitism is the reason everyone is paying so much undue attention to this particular issue. I was low key shunned by dear friends because I did not specifically reach out to them about it, insisting that it was to be expected that I should conflate American Jews who have never been to Israel and who, between them, have one distant relative living there, and check on them routinely to make sure they were okay because of what had occurred in the Middle East. So yeah, I have given this situation some extra attention. And now I can’t turn away.

        2. Because no one ever in the US ever protested Guantanamo, the Iraq War, or the Vietnam War? I’m sure the only possible reason some of us are tired of another endless bombing campaign in the middle east is because of antisemitism. Because why else would anyone care about the bombing of more poor brown people?

      4. Anti-Semitism and because this issue is presented to them as one that neatly maps onto the anti-imperialism, anti-colonialism, oppressor v. oppressed narrative.

    7. Then maybe you shouldn’t work on a college campus! Protest and dissent have been part of college campuses for decades now. Students protesting violations of civil rights and war in particular have been effective means of influencing public opinion and policy. It’s hilarious to me that everyone celebrates Columbia’s 1968 protests (exhibit A: if you google it, one of the first things to pop up is a Columbia curated online exhibit of the event), yet the current protesters are villainized, ridiculed, and told they are just dumb kids. Disruption of every day life is kinda the point. I’ve been working in higher ed for over 20 years and I always feel relieved to see that there are still some students who are engaged with current events globally.

      1. Columbia isn’t bombing Gaza and Americans aren’t being drafted to fight there

    8. My graduation speaker was a scholar in the area of Holocaust denial. She was paraded out for years as a symbol of the university’s high level of scholarship. I think it is totally appropriate for students now to stand on the same quad to engage in peaceful demonstrations against the support of and denial of a different genocide. I agree that they should not do anything to make others unsafe on campus. However, if the expression of their viewpoint makes someone feel unsafe, that is no basis for removing them or denying them access to the space, certainly not for beating them in physical demonstrations of the “Stop Resisting” perspective that is on the other side.

      1. i’m not really sure why your graduation speaker is relevant. the content of the protest is not the issue, it is the manner in which they carry out the protests. actions that make others feel unsafe, following students/faculty/staff to their office/dorm rooms, preventing students from getting to class, etc. is the problem.

    9. Not specific to Palestine; I have problems with the following methods of protest: going to someone’s home, blocking a street or freeway, and throwing soup on art. I can guarantee none of that makes me think the protesters have a great point.

      1. I feel the same way about heckling passerby, no matter the topic of the protest (e.g., telling people to go back to Poland).

  12. I’ve too many houseplants (Covid impact I think) and now have to bring a bunch inside with the cool weather. I’m running out of space and ideas. About 60. How would you store?

    1. I have a small bakers rack that holds half of my houseplants, and a set of bamboo-slat plant shelves that hold the rest. I have rigged up both shelves with lights zip-tied in place so my babies don’t suffer in the dark.

        1. Cheap LED plant lights from Amazon. I have some halo-looking ones on little telescoping poles and some that come in strips. The halo ones are a bit top heavy to stick in smaller pots so I have them strapped to the shelving poles instead. The strips can go on the bottom of the shelf above, or on the uprights aimed in at the plants.

          All of mine have USB-A plugs rather than normal wall outlets. Some came with converters, and most have multiple lights from one plug. They all have built in timer switches.

      2. Baker’s rack is a great idea. Plus just leaning into the “I live in an indoor jungle” thing. I moved my plants in last weekend and hoo boy did my giant ficus enjoy its porch time this summer. I have a ten foot tall ficus with a fairly large canopy looming over my bed.

    2. I am loving the houseplant trend. I was a child in the 1970s and it was huge then. People were making macrame plant hangers all the time. One family I babysat for had a sunken living room with what I would call a raised garden bed around 1/2 the perimeter of it, planted with all manner of houseplants. I thought that was the height of elegance.

      Whatever happened to African Violets? I remember people being obsessed with getting theirs to rebloom and setting up the perfect lighting and humidity environments for them. My mom had one in her kitchen window that bloomed basically continuously, and it was her pride and joy.

        1. I love African violets! My grandma had a bajillion of them, all grown from cuttings of a plant that belonged to HER mother. She’s given them to me (and my mom, and my sister) over the years and they are pretty and also a fun “heirloom” that makes me happy. I just kind of put them near a window and water them occasionally, they rebloom fabulously without needing fuss.

    3. not what you asked, but consider bugs before you bring them back inside! spider mites particularly. i’m mainly a cut flower person but I’ll mostly only bring cuttings inside because I can soak them in a water/Dawn dish soap combo to kill any bugs.

    4. Do you have a spare bathtub? That might be a decent place to over-winter big/tall outdoor plants.

  13. Weirdly specific question for the morning. What do you do with your legs when you sit at your desk? Both feet flat on the floor in front of you? Cross your knees, prop your feet on a stool, sit on one ankle?

    1. Flat on the floor straight ahead maybe 10% of the time. Sometimes crossed legs, sometimes sit on an ankle, sometimes one foot on the floor and the other knee pulled up in front of me (so foot facing forward on chair)….

    2. At my own desk, I have given up and I sit criss cross apple sauce. In meetings, feet on the wheels/support legs of the chair; or one foot on one wheel and the other foot on top of first foot.

      1. This all sounds like your chair pan height is too tall for your legs. Which is common because things tend to be adjusted to the average man.

        1. yep, I’m pretty much average size for a US woman and still everything at the office is too big for me in all dimensions, although the worst was the temperature readers at the doors during covid that I had to stand on tiptoe to register for. Our desks are fixed height, so the options are either to pick my feet up, or to have my arms tilted way up, which kills my neck and shoulders. I did ask HR about an adjustable height desk or foot stool; but corporate money-saving policy is you can only have that as an official accommodation for a disability…and being an average-height-woman isn’t a disability.

          1. I think you can probably get your doc to write you a note saying your seating is causing chronic back pain. That’s how a woman at my last company got a standing desk, and that company was the opposite of accommodating.

    3. Learn from my mistakes. Feet flat on the floor in front of you. I had been sitting with my knees crossed/sitting on one ankle and it caused horrible plantars fasciitis. I spent months in physical therapy assuming it was my shoes/an injury/weakness with no improvement – I finally posted about it here, and someone asked how I was sitting at my desk, I fixed my positioning and I was better in three days.

    4. I had to train myself to sit the way I’m supposed to sit in my office chair – feet on the floor, legs not crossed. Once I got the chair adjusted correctly for my height and my desk height, it really is the most comfortable way to sit.

      Now if we can talk about my slouching…..

    5. I have a rocking foot rest. Right now I have my legs crossed with one foot on it, but I think normally I’ve got both feet on it.

  14. seeking book recs – specifically, a novel written by a poet?
    (my book club has a theme like this for each month.. highly recommend! however I’m not a poetry person so stumped on this one..)

    3. This year’s Nobel Prize for Literature went to Han Kang for her book “The Vegetarian” – she began publishing as a poet but transitioned to novels. “The Vegetarian” also won the Man Booker prize in 2016.

    4. ‘You could make this place beautiful’ is a memoir by Maggie Smith who wrote ‘Good Bones’, it got largely positive reviews from what I recall.

    5. Anything by Robert Graves (most famous for I, Claudius). If you select Goodby to All That be sure to specify the 1929 version. He revised it in the 50s and not for the better in my opinion (and the opinions of many others – most particularly the college professor who first had me read it).

    6. I loved On Earth We’re Briefly Beautiful by Ocean Vuong. And Sandra Cisneros is fantastic, you could do The House on Mango Street or Have You Seen Marie? Or any of Denis Johnson’s novels, especially Angels (although his books tend to have violence, so know your audience).

    7. Margaret Atwood is a well-published poet! I will assume everyone has read Handmaid’s Tale so try The Robber Bride.

    8. This one was deeply moving (description from Wikipedia): Fugitive Pieces is a novel by the Canadian poet and novelist Anne Michaels. The story is divided into two sections. The first centers around Jakob Beer, a Polish Holocaust survivor, while the second involves a man named Ben, the son of two Holocaust survivors. It was first published in Canada in 1996 and was published in the United Kingdom the following year. The novel has won awards such as Books in Canada First Novel Award, the Trillium Book Award, Orange Prize for Fiction, Guardian Fiction Prize and the Jewish Quarterly-Wingate Prize. It was on Canada’s bestseller list for more than two years and has been translated into over 20 different languages.

  15. Does anyone here cross country ski? I recently moved and there are great paths/trails for it near our new house.

    I used my mom’s XC skis from the 80s when I was younger; those are long trash. I did some basic searching and am completely overwhelmed. Basic questions:

    Are the shoes part of the XC setup? And if they are do you buy based on shoe size (like alpine ski boots)? Or are they adjustable like roller rink skates?

    Do you typically wear snow pants/bibs or is it more “whatever the weather calls for” type gear? Eg jeans/sweats.

    Can you walk in the boots? I vaguely remember them working more like bowling shoes with flex soles vs alpine ski boots.

    Poles- required, right? Are they sport specific or will my downhill poles work?

    1. Oh I am jealous! I don’t live in a place with snow and don’t know/remember the answers to your questions, but I hope you get gear that you will enjoy using!

    2. I can’t help, but if you have a local REI or similar outdoors type stores, they often run clinics right about now that will help you answer these questions and more.

    3. I haven’t skied in a long time, but back when I did, we wore — long underwear and jogging pants + jacket over that (with jacket weight depending on weather, would have also worn snow pants if I it had been colder our and if I wasn’t a teen trying to be cool). You could wear whatever, but as with other athletic gear, it’s more comfortable to just avoid cotton which is cold when wet. Poles are essential! There are regular skis and skate skiis — different shapes. My boots were semi-flexible on the top but hard on the bottom. So hard to walk, but not impossible, especially in snow. I *think* ski boots run in regular shoe sizes. And I think there are different styles that attach to skis differently. I remember measuring my ski length (not skate skis) to be the height of my wrist crease when I lifted my arm over my head. But a good in-person store can help you with fitting for sure.

    4. You can walk in the boots and buy them based on shoe size but there are different ones for different bindings and for skate or classic skis.

      You definitely need poles, they’re different than downhill, and again, different for skate and classic.

      Clothing: definitely not jeans and snow pants are too warm for all but the very coldest weather. It’s weather dependent, but similar to what you’d wear running in similar weather, so leggings and light jacket if it’s in the 20s, a heavier jacket if it’s colder or when you’re first learning and going slow (layers are always a good idea!).

      If you live somewhere with lots of trails, the local parks and rec center probably has beginner classes and rentals, so that might be a good place to start for a lesson and introduction to the equipment and then you can go from there.

    5. Yes! I love it. I learned Nordic style but there is also skate style. The two styles have different equipment. I like Nordic better because you can ski pretty well even if the trail hasn’t been groomed particularly recently; that’s harder with skate.

      Attire – typically fleece leggings and a ski jacket, but depends on the temp. You are really exercising so in general I found I needed 1-2 fewer layers than when downhill skiing. One day when it hit the 40s I ended up skiing in just my base layers and ditching the coat entirely. I prefer an ear-warmer to a hat. I would def not wear jeans – you want material that is wicking!

      Shoes- they are basically hiking boots with a metal bar under the toe that clips into the ski. Should be pretty comfortable. Rossignol fit my feet better than Salomon (two of the big brands) so try a few. You can def walk in them though they are firm plastic and can be slippery on plasticky surfaces like laminate.

      Poles are longer than downhill skiing.

    7. Long time XC skier here! Go you! Go to an REI and have them outfit you with a beginners set up for both trail skiing and track skiing. It is easier to learn on a tracked/groomed set up than in the woods, especially if no one has skied before you in the woods.

      You will need skis, boots, bindings, and poles. You could use your downhill poles, but the baskets are shaped differently. The boots are fit to your feet, and the skis to your height. You can walk in the boots, they are comfortable enough to walk around in. I often wear warm snow boots to and from my ski area and then switch to my XC ski boots, but you can wear them all day.

      No jeans, no sweats. You will want winter pants, fleeced on the inside, and smooth on the outside to shed snow. LL Bean sells some called the Swix Solo pant, and also the Sporthill XC pants. You will likely wear a layer under these–merino wool long underwear, top and bottoms, are the way to go. You are likely to be too hot in bibs or insulated ski pants unless it is super cold.

      On top you will want a base layer, then a zip fleece, and then a shell. And a hat and gloves, and a buff for your neck and face.

      You will want a light weight string type back pack or similar for the layers as them come off, and to hole your water bottle and a granola bar or a bar of chocolate or whatever.

      Lots of this stuff can be purchased second hand on Ebay or Poshmark or similar places for the clothing. Back country dot com has great customer service and can help you out too. I recently discovered that merino layers are sold on Etsy for prices better than the usual retail shops.

      Good for you! I hope you have lots of fun.

      1. Alice again–your down hill ski poles will be too short. and renting is a good way to check out the whole scene and figure out what you might like.

      2. Perfect. I didn’t realize there was a “track ski” option; as a teenager in the 90s I just skied around the woods so that’s what I’m envisioning. There are some maintained trails near me I’ll be using but my guess is it’ll be fresh tracks most days- it’s all abandoned railroad and campground that the town owns.

        I was also not sure how sweaty to expect to get- sounds like more like jogging vs downhill skiing- but I’m pretty set on the layers for that.

        1. Ah great! In this case then I’d recommend going to REI or a local sports store and asking them to outfit you with a light touring package – you’ll get skis boots and poles that can handle ungroomed trails and are a bit sturdier, but you won’t need true backcountry skis with metal edges.

          Definitely more akin to jogging than downhill in terms of clothing. If you have water-resistant outer layers that can be more comfortable for if you fall over into the snow, so snow pants could work. But I’d do multiple light upper layers instead of a big heavy downhill jacket.

        2. Ha-ha, my mom (a downhill ski aficionado/snob) calls X-country skiing “jogging with boards on your feet.” (She is not a fan.). I am thinking about thinking about taking up cross-country due to knee issues, so I am a bit envious that you have this set up so conveniently. Have fun!

    8. Yes! Grew up xc ski racing in HS & college, still love to do it recreationally

      Boots are sized like shoes, make sure your boots match your ski bindings (most these days are NNN but you still find SNS occasionally, they aren’t compatible).

      Skis, poles and boots are mostly technique-specific (there are some combo options but harder to find) so you’ll need to decide whether you want to start with classic (“traditional” skiing in parallel lines) or skate (you make V shapes similar to ice skating) – classic is much easier to get started with and more flexible bc you don’t need groomed trails, skating is a steeper learning curve and requires wide groomed trails but you go faster and it’s a better workout

      Dress similar to winter running, athletic wicking fabrics. Multiple layers are key, avoiding sweating is more important than in warm weather activities bc if you cool off you can get cold really quickly. You’ll generally warm up as you start moving so having an upper layer you can remove easily is helpful.

      Definitely need poles, for classic they’re roughly armpit height, for skating closer to nose level. Downhill poles are too short and heavy.

      See if you can find a local sports store to help outfit you, REI can also be good for buying classic touring (ie more stable, light backcountry) ski equipment. Also keep your eye out for ski swaps over the next month or so (usually run by the local ski club or HS/college teams), can be a good way to get starter equipment – a lot of swaps are mostly downhill, xc-specific ones are better if you can find them.

      It’s an amazing sport and well worth the investment! Let me know if you have other questions

    9. Rent before you buy. I love downhill skiing but find traditional XC skiing terrifying because you can’t steer or stop.

      1. What? You can completely steer and stop in xc skis. If you’re in the groomed ‘rails’ in icy conditions yeah you can get into trouble…

        1. Exactly–if your skis are in the grooves they aren’t coming out to steer or stop. Your knees will blow out first.

          1. The grooves help but let’s say you’re going downhill in safe conditions – you can absolutely shift your weight a bit so that your skis are ready to turn anyway. As you get better you should be able to lift one leg out to do a half-snowplow stop, but of course you can’t already be out of control for that to work.

            I enjoy xc skiing but definitely stay out of the grooves for hills where I don’t know the curves or when conditions are iffy.

          2. You can absolutely step out of the tracks if need be and snowplow to slow down. Might take some familiarity with XC skiing technique, but I wouldn’t say that just because I personally can’t do black diamond downhills that you can’t steer or stop downhill skis.

            I’m an advanced skier but like Cat will also stay out of the tracks if I don’t know the downhill and it looks difficult.

            OP has XC skied before and the trails that they described sound pretty flat, so this shouldn’t be an issue for them.

      2. You can stop on XC skis, by snowplowing. And you can turn while going downhill by snowplowing harder on one side or by step turning.

        XC skis are built differently than downhill skis so you have to learn how to use them – esp if you’re coming from downhill, it can be a little difficult bc the techniques you use for downhill don’t translate 100%. You generally can’t hockey stop on XC skis, for example. But I’ve even gone down the easiest green at downhill places on XC skis.

  16. Anyone have favorite joggers to wear for fall/winter biking? Are the ones that are like windbreaker material not stretchy enough? I bike commute and am feeling extra self conscious in the running tights I have been wearing, since clingy clothes are often out. (And was self conscious to begin with.) So looking for something less form fitting, but still narrow around my lower legs to avoid bike snag. Other bikers seems to just be wearing their work clothes, but that doesn’t work for me, I definitely need to shower & change once I arrive.

    1. See if the brand Terry has anything! Sites geared towards mountain bikers are also more likely to find you non-tights versions.

    2. I did a search and a site called JJ’s House seems to have a bunch of midi options with sleeves! I googled “wedding dress with sleeves midi length”

    3. Longtime cold weather bike commuter here!
      The best winter cycling bottoms are windproof on the front and regular (albeit thick, winter weight) material on the back. Craft makes good ones that won’t break the bank. I get self conscious in bike clothes, too, but *everyone* looks goofy in bike clothes no matter how in shape or not they are. Embrace the silly.
      You may know this already, but if you don’t, a few other pieces of kit can really improve your winter commute, especially when the roads get sloppy and the days dark.
      Neoprene toe covers are the best $20-30 you can spend on bike kit. Put them over your cycling shoes, and they can stay on until spring.
      Studded tires make winter commuting much less sketchy. When the roads are actual sheets of ice (they don’t plow residential streets here), I can get around faster and safer on my bike. Bonus for studded tires with reflective sidewalls. Reflective sidewalls make a world of difference for low light visibility and I always run them on my commuter bike, in addition to enough blinky lights you can see me from space. (Embrace the silly/weird part 2)
      Fenders. Slush sucks, but fenders make a world of difference for not arriving to work completely disgusting.
      Swap out your bike helmet for ski helmet and goggles when it’s below about 20. The two have the same protective tech, but bike helmets are made to vent heat, while ski/snowboard helmets are made to keep it in.
      If this is your first winter bike commuting, keep in mind that the grease in your shifters will get too hard to shift below about 10F. I’m lucky that my commute is flat, so I can pick a gear and stay there on the really cold days.
      Cold weather riding is very different from warm – but is fun and challenging in its own way. Not gonna lie, I’m looking forward to the first big snow.

    4. I like Pearl Izumi’s bike leggings for cool weather riding – they’re the kind of structured material that bike shorts are made of, so while they are definitely tight, they don’t feel as flimsy as regular leggings do.

  17. I’m the poster from Friday who was considering rejoining dating apps, which I have been on and off of over the years. I did decide to rejoin, and I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s like there was a huge shift with the number of men who identify as conservative. I’m in Charlotte, NC, but which is a blue city in a red state, so I understand that some men will be conservative. But at these numbers, it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen in past years on the apps. Another shocking metric is the number of doctors who identify as conservative. I came across 10-12 doctors while swiping this weekend, all identified as conservative on the profiles. One even put in their bio, “where are the unvaccinated women?” It’s discouraging and disappointing. I don’t foresee being on these apps again for long.

    2. obviously you don’t have to be on the sites if you don’t want to be but do not let a lot of noise and nonsense stand in your way. In fact be grateful that a medical doctor (!!??!!) took the trouble of telling you he wants unvaccinated. Saves you the trouble of a first date. There are real people on the sites, you just have to sift through nonsense to find it. I have dated pretty much exclusively through the apps since my divorce. I have met lots of real people and am currently in a really good relationship. Good luck!

    3. I would be so tempted to match with the guy looking for unvaccinated women and say “all the unvaccinated women died from preventable diseases you effing moron.”

    4. I think it’s good. It’s the haystack theory, don’t make your profile bland, say what you want, you aren’t trying to appeal to everyone. Be glad they’re putting it out there.

      1. I guess this is true, easier to sift through! My friend reminded me I’m looking for a needle in a haystack. I told her yes I am, but this haystack is on fire! Ha

        1. Yeah the numbers are disheartening, but I would be glad that they self-selected out.

    7. A young adult relative lives in Charlotte, and he is, dismayingly, seeming to be turning towards the “bro” culture (conservative), under the influence of his social cohort. It’s possible things might be changing in Charlotte.

  18. If you were planning a tiny wedding/borderline elopement outdoor summer ceremony with a tiny guest list, and wanted to spend less than $1000 on the dress, where would you shop for that?

    Preferences – a pretty neckline, sleeves, lower midi length to full length. No train. Sleeves seem to be complicating the search.

    I would love links! I am MOTB & thrilled for my kid. :)

    2. I commented and it seems it didn’t go through. I did a search and a brand/page called JJ’s House came up with a bunch of options for midi length with sleeves!

      1. you have to go to david’s bridal or another bridal store even if know you’ll be priced out — important mother/daughter experience and you’ll learn terminology (reception dress, etc) that will help inform your online searches.

    4. i would look online at every department store putting in your criteria. i went to look online at Nordstrom and there are quite a few options by a brand Lara. You can also have a train cut off fairly easily so i wouldn’t necessarily let that be a deterrent.

    7. I found some very good options at Revolve when I was looking for my elopement dress. I ended up buying my dress from the Australian brand Bec + Bridge and my second choice dress was from another Australian brand called Shona Joy. My budget was about half yours, though. I liked quite a few dresses from BHLDN but they were too expensive for me.

    10. Local bridal shops might have a Black Friday sale where you can get a more expensive sample dress. However you’d have to be flexible and willing to make a decision that weekend.

    13. My $1300 dress for my similar ceremony was a sample for sale at Nordstrom. I’m a size 12, so not itty bitty. They just had a rack of dresses at my local store that they were retiring. It had a loose button or two, but had not been abused at all.

    14. Posting very late, but I got MARRIED this weekend and so wasn’t reading Corporette. :-) I bought my dress at StillWhite.com from someone who bought it and changed her mind. I tried on dresses at DB, got the model number, searched for it online and found the same exact dress at StillWhite for 50% off the price of buying from DB. It was perfect. NWT, never worn, never altered. I highly recommend. I also found the same dress on Poshmark. You may want to look at both places if you have your heart set on a specific dress.

  19. I’m in the middle of a big knitting project and could use more great audiobook suggestions. I listened to the To Say Nothing of the Dog, The Guernsey Literary one, and just finished The Ninth Hour by Alice McDermott, which I found a bit of a slog as a non-Catholic.

    Which audiobooks have really held your interest and are well done?

    1. Everything James Herriot, read by the actor who played him in the original TV series. Love them.

    3. The Thursday Murder Club series is fantastic. Although the narrator changes after the first two, and the new narrator is not nearly as good.

      1. I haven’t listened to the Thursday Murder Club books, but I loved reading them and think they would be perfect knitting listening. Exit by Belinda Bauer is kind of a similar vibe, and I *did* listen to that one and enjoyed the narrator.
        Demon Copperhead and The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek are other audiobooks I enjoyed recentlyish.

        Piranesi is one of my favorite audiobooks of all time, but is a little engrossing and odd, so I guess it depends on how much brain power you devote to book vs knitting.

    4. I’m enjoying Chain Gang All Stars by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah. It’s a slightly in the future sci-fi that’s pretty dark at points, but the narration is quite good.

  20. I am taking my daughter to New York City for her 21st birthday in early December for a long weekend. Does anyone have any good recs on what we should do? She is a “young” 21, so a bit unformed in her interests, but I think she might like a museum (but not sure which one to take her to), and we are definitely doing a Broadway show. I plan to book a hotel downtown so I am looking for something a little more cool or funky, more her age than mine -any recs there? She is an urban planning and sustainability major in college, so if there is anything relating to that we should see or do, that would be a bonus. Any fun/funky/cool restaurants we should go to? What else should we do? I know this is a very broad request but she has never been and we live on the west coast, so not really familiar with NYC.

    1. I once stayed at the New Yorker hotel which I found to be very fun and funky! It has an Art Deco vibe. You could go all in on the era and see The Great Gatsby on Broadway, which I saw recently and loved! Maybe watch the movie first (the one with Leonardo DiCaprio) to refresh on the story. There is a cute little Broadway merch store on 44th street called Theater Circle. If you’re looking for cheap but good pizza, Famous Ray’s (7th Ave) was good for us and sold by the slice. Be warned that food and drink at the Broadway theater will be VERY expensive (I got a single glass of wine and it was $31). For museums, I really like the MET and the Modern Museum of Art. Have fun!

    2. Brooklyn Bridge Park or the High Line are sustainable urban planning gems I’d recommend.

    3. Try the Tenement Museum, and then you could tour Ellis Island, and then you could find some food that links up to your own history? That could be a fun day, and quintessentially New York.

    4. I was just here last week thanking the person that recommended the architectural boat tour of NYC, but if it runs then, you will learn a massive amount about urban planning, especially the impact of the freeway system, the impact of zoning laws, and how development deals actually get done in NY. Highly recommend (and thanks to the person who put me on to it).

      For the show, she would probably love “&Juliet”.

    5. The tenement museum is great, maybe also try Aire ancient baths? It’s a very cool spot and quite unique. In terms of cool/funky – the shopping in NoLita is likely a good bet, as is wandering SoHo. Maybe ask her what kind of food she likes? There is basically every cuisine you could want in NYC – lots of higher end foodcourts too so you can try lots of different things in one spot.

    6. The Museum of the City of New York has a lot about urban planning — she might also want to watch the documentary “Citizen Jane” before she comes since it’s about Robert Moses. There’s also a walking tour – https://www.boweryboyswalks.com/walking-tours/jane-jacobs-robert-moses-tour/

      The Transit Museum might also be of interest to her

      for hotels – I’m always fond of drinks at the Crosby but haven’t stayed. The Standard has a hotel above the High Line that might be good also. Or maybe a hotel that used to be something else would be fun to see how the city reinvents itself? Can’t think of any off the top of my head though.

    7. You probably won’t have time for this, but if you fly in or out of JFK, perhaps carve out some time to take a look at the TWA hotel — which is the old mid-century terminal that has been converted into a hotel (probably with a chic bar, cuz 21s birthday).

  21. If you’re dating someone who has professional reviews of their work online (like patient reviews of a doctor), does that color your view of them, especially if they’re negative, or is it NBD to you?

    Just curious!

    1. In general what I take away from negative reviews of local businesses online is a real “it depends” answer from me. Sometimes negative reviews will even sell me on something if the reviewer is clearly exactly wrong or just horrible.

    2. I try to remember that most people aren’t moved to review unless they’re really happy or really angry. So if there’s one 1 star review I kind of ignore it and balance it with the good.

      However, if a place has all negative reviews, I take that more seriously. I do know that places get brigaded, but to me it’s fairly obvious when that’s going on.

      I would not date someone who treats customers/clients/patients badly, because it’s just a matter of time before it’s your turn to be on the receiving end of that treatment.

      Same with someone who is rude to waiters.

    3. Depends on the content.

      “One star; he took out the wrong kidney” isn’t the same as “he ceased treating me when I switched insurance coverages” or “he can be abrupt.”

  22. I’m a divorced mom (7 years). I had one two-year relationship that ended rather abruptly last September. We had talked about marriage, taken the kids away on vacation together, etc. The last two or three months he got kind of distant and when I finally asked him about it, he broke up with me via text, telling me that he loved me but there were just too many obstacles (we lived in different towns, one of us would’ve had to move). I was heartbroken for months, but did a ton of work to move through it, and truly thought I had moved on.
    Fast forward to this weekend: I found out through a third party that by December he had moved in with another woman (lived in his town, kids his kids age), by June they were married and purchased a 1.3M house (he makes 70k and money was tight the entire time we were together— didn’t bother me as I’m in a similar situation). I’m glad I know, but the heartbreak and anger all came rushing back. I do NOT want him back. Intellectually I understand that I dodged a bullet here. But I’m convinced he cheated on me, given the timeline and his weird behavior at the end, which goes against everything I ever believed of him. And in addition to sadness, I can’t stop fantasizing about revenge. I’ve been journaling, talking to close friends, refraining from Googling to learn more, but…I can’t stop ruminating on it. Help! How do I put it aside and get back to the peace and acceptance I had before? I don’t want to waste another thought on this but I’m just so sad and angry.

    1. I’m so, so sorry. I think therapy would be helpful, if you’re able. Also just time, unfortunately. You’re going to feel your feelings for a while, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about that or add guilt on top of everything else you’re feeling.

    2. Oh, I am so sorry. My experience (and YMMV) is that you simply have to be in your feelings. The sadness and anger WILL recede. Might take a little longer than you want, but they will.

      In the meantime, care for yourself. Do things that are supportive of your well-being, whatever those may be.

    3. Why are men?

      I’m so sorry, I’m angry right there with you.

      Men rarely leave until they have the next soft place to land lined up. Ugh.

    4. I am so sorry; what a total dirt bag. Go deep into whatever helped you get past the initial breakup. For me, it would be lots of walking; hot yoga whenever I could (and dedicating the practice to the person who wounded me most deeply, I found, took so much power away from them), leaning on friends who will listen to the story again and have your back. You get to feel your feelings and maybe accepting them, not pushing them away, will get your head clearer faster. This internet stranger is sending you virtual hugs.

      1. I’m really sorry, OP, what a crappy thing to find out. Agree that you will need to lean on the strategies that worked for you, back in September. You just found out this weekend, so anyone in your shoes would have a lot of emotions right now. Probably this time around you will get back into balance more quickly, but cut yourself some slack, because it sucks and it’s normal to feel sucky. Sending you love!

    5. Well… you dodged a bullet and I feel sorry for her. Is this the kind of guy who would stand by her during a cancer diagnosis?

      Might be too Zen for you at this point, but the revenge is that he has to be him and you get to be you.

    6. Oof, OP. I’m so sorry to hear this.

      I’ll share my own experience in case it is helpful. I was married with no children (but trying) for a long time. My ex husband came in one day and said he was in love with another woman. They got married about 2 years later. Then a couple of years after that, she had a child. I’ve asked my friends to stop giving me updates at this point because each one would open a new wound.

      It’s taken an embarrassing amount of time for me to not be angry with him DAILY. I would get to a point where I was okay and then another milestone and BOOM! The anger and sadness would flood back. One really weird thing that helped me was that my therapist had me write an angry letter with everything in it that I was mad/sad/betrayed about and bring it to my next session. I did that, and I told her it felt pretty good, even though I knew I couldn’t send the letter. She said, “Why not? You know where he works. You COULD send it to his office if you wanted.” It kind of just gave me sudden clarity that I wasn’t completely out of control. I could choose to do something wild like that if I wanted. I never did, of course, but I have fantasized about it periodically since.

      Like someone else said, I had to feel my feelings, as well. Some days I’m still mad, even though I’m in a great place–a job I love, living with an amazing SO who I’m genuinely happy with, etc. But allowing myself to be angry (It sucks what he did!) or sad (it really wasn’t kind!) helps. I know I will get through it. I have before. Each wave is different, but they have gotten much more infrequent. When I’m in the muck, I do things like making sure I go outside some every day and allowing myself to just watch YouTube if that’s all I really want to do. And to try and not judge myself because the spirit heals on her own timeline.

      Hugs to you. It’s such a difficult and terrible process.

    7. Not necessarily. When you know you know. I met and married my husband in a few months.

      1. Were kids involved though? Generally divorced parents have custody plans requiring time before the kids meet a new partner. Also, just as a matter of caution, most divorced parents are unlikely to bring a new partner into their kids’ lives that quickly.

        1. yeah I’m one of those “My husband and I were basically engaged in three weeks” people but there’s NO way we would have moved that fast with kids involved. It’s just way too risky. Even if OP’s ex wasn’t physically cheating, he had a soft place to land as someone else put it.

      2. I’m the person above who wrote the ridiculously long comment, and statements like this didn’t really help me. The OP has more insight into what was happening when it was happening, and that insight and those feelings are valid.

      3. I knew on our first date that I would marry my STBX. We met through a friend who set us up. Everything seemed perfect.

        He is literally the worst thing to happen to me in my life, and I’m 44.

    8. This is OP. Thank you all for the commiseration and validation that it’s ok to feel. I guess I just felt so sad for so long that I just want to make it go away quickly this time. I have a good life without him — I need to remember this. I’m mostly sad at the loss of a fantasy (being in love with someone, big blended family, tiny hope that he might come back). But it’s all just a fantasy…I need to live in reality. Meanwhile I’m jealous that he’s living the fantasy with someone else (even though I have no actual insight into what their relationship is actually like — I’m not proud but I’m kind of hoping that there are weird financial power dynamics and he’s miserable).
      Ultimately I hope to get back to that Zen point of he is who is and I am who I am. But I will try to process first. To the poster who shared her story, thank you. It helped.
      Ultimately I will be ok. Until Friday I was so much happier than I had been when I was with him. It doesn’t feel good to admit to loneliness, sadness and jealousy, but admitting to it actually makes me feel better. And at least I didn’t permanently entangle my kid into a family with him. My loneliness will pass but my kid’s wellbeing is paramount. Thank you all for listening and helping me process.

  23. I have increased my weightlifting over the past six months, and this weekend I was able to do unassisted pullups for the first time!
    Anyone else with small wins to share?

    1. I see you say pull upS!! As in, plural! This is a huge accomplishment. Great job!!

    2. On Saturday, I got an unsolicited barrage of long angry text messages from my ex-bf who dumped me via text message in January. He then wanted to make up. I refused.

      Not too long ago, I would have engaged and taken all the criticisms to heart. Instead I kinda shrugged my shoulders and didn’t even bother reading them all. One comment that stood out “you go on about your life like this was nothing.” Yeah, I am living a LOT better without him. Sorry, not sorry. (didn’t text it!)

    4. Congrats, I did three-ish neutral grip pullups on Sunday. Glad it was before an old man yelled at me for taking a 10lb weight plate for another exercise. I was literally bent over on the hypertension and saw a hand come over to take my plate!

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