This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This boatneck dress at Ann Taylor Factory looks sleek and pretty and put-together. I like the little slits on the sleeves, and the wide boatneck, as well as the darts and seams going up and down the dress, which really give it a fitted shape. A dusty blue dress is not for everyone, and unfortunately this is the only color it's available in, but I think it's a nice, versatile option. I would wear it with anything you might wear with a light gray dress — black or navy or white or gray, as well as bolder colors if you like. It's available in regular (0–16) and petite (00–14) sizes and is machine washable. The dress was $120 full price but is currently $72. Boatneck Sheath Dress Vince Camuto has a plus-size option in sizes 14W–24W for $59 on sale. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected].Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
RSS Error: A feed could not be found at `https://corporette.com/tag/posts/feed`; the status code is `403` and content-type is `text/html; charset=utf-8`
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
I like... stuff
Anyone have any recs for Kansas City? Specifically close to the Fed Reserve building? I’ll be alone but love a good walk during the mornings and evenings.
Thank you
Anon
I stayed over in the Crossroads neighborhood for a wedding this past weekend. The Federal Reserve is close to the World War I Memorial, which has a nice park and view of the city. I also highly recommend the museum there. Also do not miss Jack Stack BBQ, which you should be able to walk or take a quick uber to. We also found a coffee shop called Mildred’s that we really liked but that may be a little too far for you to walk.
Anonymous
Jack Stack for the win!!!!
Anonymous
KC Ballet is close by, also the Union Station has some interesting displays/exhibits from time to time. You’re not that far (maybe a mile?) from some really good Italian food, too.
Anonymous
I was just in KC a couple weeks ago – Q39 was some of the best BBQ I’ve ever had.
anon
I really liked Extra Virgin and Corvino.
KC Native
KC resident here. I’ll focus on things right near the Fed.
Liberty Memorial right there at the Fed Reserve is a great museum and you’ll find tons of walkers on the grounds of the memorial.
Walk down the hill and across the street to Union Station which is gorgeous as well. The Russell on Main Street is open for lunch and has fantastic sandwiches and salads. You can uber to there very quickly.
Take the trolley to any of the restaurants in the River Market and the City Market (stop in at Local Pig butcher shop and visit their stationary sandwich truck – awesome).
Jack Stack is so-so, locals love their cheesy corn, but for meat head to Q39, KC Joes or Char Bar.
Corvino Supper Club, the Rieger/Manifesto (restaurant/speakeasy) are all on the trolley line as well. You can take the trolley downtown and walk over to Parlor (a food hall with a great vibe and some awesome purveyors).
Take a look at Feast Magazine (online, free) or the Pitch (online, free) to see what else may be new and quick in town.
AnonMidwest
Can I just say that as a KC born and bred but having been gone for many years, your response made me smile. Good job!
Anonnona
Messenger coffee! Coffee and pastries are delicious.
Napa Recs?
Any favorite Napa recommendations for wineries or other activities? Preferably wineries close to downtown Napa that don’t take reservations or where reservations might be somewhat easy to come by on a weekend. Thanks!
Leatty
Highly recommend a tour at Castello di Amorosa, especially if you have any interest in history.
ebennett
+ 1. Both the castle and the wine are amazing.
The original Scarlett
You’re kind of looking for things that won’t make a great experience in Napa. The wineries aren’t that close to town (you need to head up highway 29 and go along there or Silverado trail). In town there’s mostly tasting rooms. The places that take reservations tend to be a nicer, less crowded experience and they’re easy to make. My favorites in Napa are Tres Sabores (a small, biodynamic farm), and Swanson (a pretty, salon style tasting room). Both require reservations. For non-reservations, Sterling has great views (so so wine) and Whitehall Lane has good wine, but a standard experience. In town, you might also like the Oxbow market, it’s a food hall with some tasting in there too,
C2
This. You will not have much luck or a good Napa Valley experience if you don’t get out of the town of Napa, which IMHO is the least desireable place to be in Napa. Even if you do get out, you’ll be mostly limited to the super commercial wineries without a reservation. Use Uber if you won’t have a car. Can you share a little more – how many days are you planning for, and why is not making reservations optimal?
That said, in the city of Napa, definitely visit Oxbow and specifically Model Bakery. Get there early, the line is worth the wait. Everything is good but we like to have breakfast and get cold press and a baguette or loaf of bread for the road. Visit the meat and cheese shops and you have a picnic for in-between wineries. We also like Bounty Hunter BBQ.
Napa Recs?
Thanks! Wanted to keep the flexibility with no reservations. We do plan to go back for a longer experience, but have limited time – just a day or two. By close to downtown I didn’t necessarily mean in downtown, just not too far away such that it could be a quick uber ride. Thanks for the recs:)
C2
If you’re new-ish to wine tasting, go to Mondavi and do their Signature Tour first – they do a nice job giving a Napa Valley history overview, a thorough tour, and at the end they sit you down and do a great intro-to-wine tasting. Napa evangelists will turn their nose up at Mondavi as too commercial, but I think it’s the perfect starter place. Near Mondavi, I love St. Supery (walk-ins ok but reservation preferred) and Cakebread (by appointment) both. Eat lunch in Yountville at Addendum, which is outdoors behind Ad Hoc and the best buttermilk fried chicken ever, walk down the main street, there are some interesting street art sculptures. There are plenty of tasting rooms you can pop into in Yountville. Close to Napa proper, I like Hess (walk-ins ok), William Hill, Del Dotto (by appointment), and I’ve enjoyed ending the day a couple times with beautiful views and lovely bubbly at Domaine Carneros. I think Carneros wants reservations now, but the last time I went I made them day-of.
Expectations wise – I don’t consider the drive to anything around the Napa Valley “quick”. Roads can get fairly congested and once you’re off 29, things get really twisty and turny – I’d add 10 minutes to what Google says, to be safe. To help you understand the biggest risk you run by not making reservations AND not having car is that you could get dropped off at a winery and they either have no openings, require a reservation and turn you away, or you have to sit and wait for an hour before the next opening, neither of which is ideal. If you can commit to 2-3 wine tasting reservations during your couple days, you’ll probably have a better experience. Once you’ve done more than 3 wine tastings in a day, your palate gets burnt out and you’re not really tasting the wines anymore, so go find a nice cocktail or have a glass on a patio.
The original Scarlett
Personally, I think more than 1 or 2 wineries a day is too much, they start to blend together. To keep the spontaneity, I like to just book an afternoon reservation, say around 2ish, so that you can poke around, get something good to eat (also check out Yountville for great restaurants), and then do a tasting.
Anon
Try Robert Sinskey over on the Silverado trail, not too far out of town.
Blue Moon
If you are worried about driving, I highly recommend doing a tour through a company called Platypus. I live in Northern CA and do one with them at least once a year. They typically take you to off-the-beaten path wineries and limit their tours to 10 people or so. We always meet wonderful people and go to places we never would have tried on our own. Plus they pick you up/drop you off at your hotel!
MJ
Cosign Platypus. They make it so easy, the guides are great, and I often run into them when I am at wineries of my choice when tasting with friends. I love an instagrammer named Raquel with the handle of watchmesip–her insta has one million great reccs.
Ubering is definitely pretty easy in Napa, but get out and see the valley–the town, as others said, is not the greatest part of Napa at all!
Michelle
Good morning! What are your recommendations for a good coffee grinder? I’m not a coffee connoisseur by any means but do like good coffee (currently use a pour over). Looking for something relatively simple and easy to use that will last. Thanks in advance.
Anon
Capresso burr grinder. $50.
BabyAssociate
+1
Anonymous
+1 four years and no issues so far.
Anon
+3 love mine
Cat
Hamilton Beach has a $15-20 model you can find at T@rget and M@cy’s. It does perfectly well for our weekend French press routine.
Anon
Baratza Encore
MagicUnicorn
I love my Breville Smart Grinder Pro. It holds an entire 12 oz bag of beans in the hopper, keeps custom quantity & coarseness settings, and feels very heavy-duty. However, it does take up counter space and runs about $200, so if you do not intend to use it often a cheaper option might be better.
kk
+1. If youre into coffee, this is amazing. Ours is a beast – we’ve had it two years and it’s chugging along like brand new.
MagicUnicorn
Agree! I’ve had mine for more than three years and it is fantastic.
anon a mouse
You can use your blender for this! I partly justified my Vitamix purchase because I wouldn’t be buying a unitasker coffee grinder.
mascot
Game-changer. I recently switched to coarse grind and a French press, which meant I had to shop at places with a coffee grinder where I could grind a 12oz bag all at once. Thanks for pointing this out.
Anon
If you’re really into coffee a whirly blade won’t do. You need a burr grinder.
Anon
Word of warning, I bought a great little Hamilton grinder for $15 but I really wish I had purchased a coffee grinder that had specific settings for espresso grind v. French press v. drip. I just sort of match number of seconds grinding with an eyeball for coarseness, which is fine, but if you’re willing to pay more, I think it cuts out some uncertainty over type of grind.
Little ways to make your day more meaningful or productive?
Looking for little things I can do to improve the overall quality and enjoyment of my day, or perhaps increase productivity. I feel pretty settled into my life for the time being (married, no kids for now, late 30s). Overall content – but thinking of ways (perhaps setting up habits) to make each day a little brighter or fulfilling or meaningful. For example, making it a goal to text a friend once a day, trying to delve into a news or other random topic during lunch to discuss later with husband, taking a moment to meditate or be thankful, taking a few minutes at the end of the day to clean up my office so the next day I start fresh, incorporating workouts or yoga a few times a week. Any others? Any other meaningful habits to establish?
thehungryaccountant
I set aside an hour or two for community service each month- I currently volunteer at a community garden. Time spent in the service of others in your community can be immensely fulfilling. It provides an opportunity to learn more about a hobby or subject of fascination (I’ve always loved plants!) without the pressure you might experience at work.
C2
I’ve made volunteering a part of my weekly schedule – I do 2 hours at a local place on the same night each week. When something else comes up I have no guilt about missing a week (I probably miss once a month). It took a bit of trial, error and mental effort to find a place I like and who’s schedule works for me, but it doesn’t feel like an onerous commitment now that it’s simply integrated into my schedule. But, I like routine and do the same thing with my workouts, same classes at the same time every week, so it all works for me.
Houda
I find heavily discounted tickets for classical music recitals and buy them in advance so I have one small event every week or two. Because I work long hours, sometimes it is a hit or miss that I’d be able to go to one of these, but I usually manage to skip one late night and go. It makes me feel amazing. Worst case if I can’t go, I’m out £15 but it doesn’t happen often.
I have a set of stationary, stamps, etc. and every now and then if I have no energy to do anything, I write a letter and mail it whenever I have time.
I always have a nice snack at 4PM and with time, I find myself looking forward to that time o fthe day because it used to be the lowest energy one.
thehungryaccountant
Houda! That’s a great suggestion. I’ve always wanted to learn more about classical music. What are your favorite pieces?
anon a mouse
Someone here recommended the audiobook “How to Listen and Understand Great Music” and I’m really enjoying it! It’s 36 hours, so a beast. I usually spend 1-2 commutes a week working my way through it. So different from my normal podcasts!
NOLA
You might try chamber music to get started. They’re quicker pieces than symphonies and can be really fun and enjoyable. I’d highly recommend Beethoven (esp string quartets), Mozart, and Haydn. Vocal music can be really taste specific. Recitals are likely to be art song, song cycles, or concert arias. They can be really fun!
Anon
I do this, too! I go to our orchestra’s preview performance each year, where they offer awesome ticket discounts if you commit to multiple shows, so I get some dates on the calendar early. They also do $20 under 40 tickets pretty frequently. You could also buy season tickets to a local theatre – we have one high-quality theatre in town where the tickets average under $25 for a subscription in decent seats.
As far as getting into classical music, I’m no expert, but I listen to a lot during the day on Spotify – I like to match the music to the weather or my mood, but I often won’t give it more thought than hitting play on a “Spring Classical” playlist. If I like something I hear, I’ll look it up and maybe listen to the entire suite, which often leads me into listening to more from that composer. When you’re at concert reading the show notes helps immensely. You’ll feel a lot of the topline of what they’re trying to convey – tension, sadness, joy, etc, but they’ll often have a description of what’s inspired the different movements and you’ll start to identify what’s “happening” and connect to the piece in a deeper way.
Anon
Start with Beethoven and Mozart, see what you like, then dip your toe into Bach (earlier) and Debussy (later) and see which direction appeals to you more. Then dig deeper from there.
Anonymous
I would start with Mozart, Tchaikovsky or Rachmaninoff, and Bach. I have performed a ton of Beethoven and still find him off-putting. I just want him to resolve the darn chord progression already (and I can deal just fine with even atonal music, so my hatred of Beethoven does not derive from a lack of musical sophistication).
Our city’s symphony typically programs one symphony and one concerto from different periods, preceded by a short contemporary work. This format is very accessible.
Eleacouise
I started this when my 15 yr old daughter was developing behavioral issues and told me I wasn’t spending enough time with her. I bought tickets to all kinds of stuff. We discovered I like her taste in pop music & she loves the theater. Six years later she has turned it all around & is blooming at college. If you’re open to trying random stuff you can have fun and develop new interests.
Anon
Some ideas…
1. Workout
2. ONE glass of wine in the evening (barring any issues with alcohol consumption)
3. Meditation (Headspace is a great app for this)
4. Listen to a new album each week
5. Eat well (Meal plan so your day is filled with food that you enjoy and makes you feel good)
6. Keep a diary – write a line a day of grateful thought
7. Listen to an interesting podcast during quiet times at work
Fun post!
Thanks
This may sound odd but I write d
Pompom
My morning schedule, commute, and prep-for-work routine allow me about an hour of truly unscheduled downtime while I wake up. I wake up to NPR on the radio for 30 minutes, then that goes off and on goes the classical or jazz station. No tv. Instead of scrolling my phone during that hour, I sit with a cup of coffee in a sunny window, reading for pleasure. Otherwise I’d never do it. I start my day with a working brain, which feels great.
Caveats: I work about 15 minutes from home, no kids, and very limited beauty and hair routines.
Equestrian attorney
Mine are:
– Reading for pleasure
– cooking something nice (mostly on the weekend, but I love it when I manage to whip up a nice weeknight dinner)
– A random chat with friends – it’s sad that we don’t call people anymore, so I try to do it more (I do text beforehand so I know it’s a good time).
– Finally, I second the community service recommendation. I have gotten involved in politics at my local level, have met some amazing people and feel like I’m making a (tiny) difference. It’s time consuming but breaks the whole going-to-work zombie routine.
Vicky Austin
I love this routine! I’ve been hearing a lot lately about how reading in the morning is awesome for your brain (and a super easy replacement for scrolling). I think I’m gonna try it.
Some of mine lately:
-having a “weekend baking” recipe included in my meal plan (usually NBD if I don’t get around to it, the chocolate chips or whatever are fine sitting in the pantry another week)
-podcasts on the commute (fun stuff on the way to work, politics on the way home, lol)
-Sunday night is set aside for a long bath with a book (I can’t even tell you how much I look forward to this!)
-standing lunch date with work friends on Fridays
Anon
My friend recently recommended the Serial Reader app to me and I really like it for reading in the morning – it delivers a ~20 minute section of a classical book to you daily. I have mine set for 6am so it arrives right before I wake up and I read it either while I’m still in bed or with my coffee.
Legally Brunette
Your morning routine sounds wonderful!
Anonymous
I have been trying to get outdoors as much as possible. Lunchtime walks, weekend hikes, sitting on the deck instead of the couch. My family has also made a goal of getting into stand-up paddleboarding this summer and skiing more next winter.
Anonymous
This may sound odd, but I write out a list of the totally thankless projects I am dreading (find a plumber, visit the bank), and prioritize them. I then try to get one done every week and give myself permission to ignore the rest. It clears headspace otherwise spent fretting.
Anon
I would start with working out if you don’t already have a good routine going. Then I would work on reading good books or listening to music. I would also reduce all screen time to the greatest extent possible. Finally, I wouldn’t fill in pockets of time before or after work with extra chores or cleaning responsibilities. That’s no fun to use time for yourself on going above and beyond on chores (and that includes organizing your closet and other things I always see people recommend here when someone has an unexpected day off). Do the chores you must, but don’t make them your “thing.”
Legally Brunette
I take a walk or sit outside and eat during lunch if the weather is nice. Even if the walk is only 15 minutes, I feel SO much better getting out in the sunshine. Yesterday my colleague and I sat outside eating for nearly an hour and I felt like a million bucks after.
I try to read physical books/newspapers on my commute and in the evenings and not read on my phone. I spend way too much time looking at a screen and am trying to wean myself off of it as much as possible. Somehow reading a physical book makes me feel much better than reading on my phone.
SSJD
I suggest scheduling a get together with friends weekly or every two weeks. Otherwise time can pass and relationships get ignored.
Last year I made an effort to send one greeting card a week (buying them for $1 each at Trader Joe’s). I kept it up for quite a while and found all kinds of creative reasons to send them beyond the typical birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I think people appreciate a surprise in the mail, and I loved choosing each beautiful card at at the store. For me it was a nice way of connecting with my friends and family who live far away.
Inspired by Hermione
I take a 2 mile walk with the dog and listen to an audiobook most nights in the spring/summer. When I’m really on the ball it happens before and after work, and I feel incredible throughout the day. Takes me about 40 minutes and it’s always super quiet right after sunrise.
I also read, a lot. I mix it up with audiobooks, kindle, physical, and kindle on my phone.
Gratitude
Daily: I have a little Rifle Paper Co. notebook that sparks ALL the joy and write 10 things I’m grateful for as soon as I get to the office before I take email or my daily to-do list. I have nice colorful pens that glide on the paper and that in itself makes me so happy.
Daily-ish: I like listening to happy/inspirational/”you can do it!”/spiritual podcasts while doing my hair and makeup.
Once a week: On the weekends, I do a long early morning hike with my dog at the park.
Traveling Lawyer
Gratitude-do you have any recommendations for the podcasts?
Gratitude
For me, inspirational and “get good at my job/go conquer the world” merge together, ha ha, so I like Hustle & Flow, the Resilient Lawyer, Secrets of Wealthy Women by WSJ, and Gretchen Rubin’s Happier. I’ll occasionally listen to Jen Hatmaker’s podcast and then rotate through a few Christian podcasts, like the Rachel Cruze (Dave Ramsey’s daughter) Show and Annie F. Down’s That Sounds Fun.
But maybe for others that may be meditation podcasts or something similar. I just avoid the news (I read the paper, don’t worry!) and crime/death podcasts.
Sigh... in the hole
Having never progressed much beyond the checking account/savings account/mortgage/401K basics of financial wisdom, I thought I’d see if any of the financially savvy members here had some advice while husband and I are trying to work our way out of cc debt.
The two of us work for the government and have an HHI of about 100K between us. We always generally spent less than we made so we never got good at budgeting as we were always in the black at the end of the month. Then an expensive cross-country move + graduate school (paid for but it meant he wasn’t working) + some surprise twins four years ago combined to land us in about $30k of credit card debt. We’re just starting to do the hard work and deep digging now, but I suspect most of this interest– we never completely paid off the move before we had children and had an expensive furnace replacement around then, and I think those snowballed.
We’re now lucky enough to be in the position of a) getting some hefty raises this year (the $100k HHI is fairly new), b) switching the twins down to half-time day care, saving us around $1k per month and c) having at least $55k in home equity, and possibly selling the home for as much as $20k-40k more than that. After digging our heads out of the sand, looking at our spending and these savings, we are definitely in the black each month now. It’s just a matter of how to get the monkey off our back. Side gigs don’t seem to be an option as one of our kids has special needs and we already work odd hours.
Is a home equity loan or line of credit our best bet here? Would we even be eligible for one? (We have never made a late payment on anything, our credit scores are still fairly good). I’m having trouble figuring out from the internet if such money has to be used for home improvement or not. If we could pay the cc’s in a lump sum and then pay a home equity loan monthly, I think we would save an absolute ton in interest. The other complicating factor is that we’ll likely sell the house next summer to move into a better school district. So we’re trying to work off if we’re better off paying the cards down each month with the extra, then paying them all off when we sell this house, or if we should move now to try to get some of this out of the way and consolidate the debt (it is across about 4 cards). Another option is a cc transfer to something promotional with 0% interest, but I’m not sure we’d be able to pay it all off within 12 months.
Thanks for any advice you have! We know we’re at fault for letting it go so long, but at least we see the light at the end of the tunnel now.
Cat
you might save on interest doing this, but you’d be trading unsecured CC debt for secured debt — i.e., a default on the HELOC could affect your house rather than just your credit score. Be careful.
Anon
I agreed. I’d much rather default on consumer debt than on a home equity loan.
Anon
Transfer *some* of the CC debt to one of those promotional lines of credit – an amount you can comfortably pay off in 12 months.
How do you intend on paying for your new home? Won’t you need the equity from your current home for it?
ATL rette
I’m in a similar position re: credit card debt but with less, and I found that a personal loan made the most sense for me. I’m paying roughly what I was paying in payments each month to the cc companies and the interest rate on the loan is lower.
I think my loan is through Lending Club. I’m happy with them! Good customer service, very helpful information, good interest rates.
Anonymous
I would do a transfer to a 0% interest card, pay off as much as possible, then do another transfer at the end of the promotional period or take out a personal loan.
ehh
With the new tax laws, you can’t deduct interest payments on the HELOC is the money was used for something other than home improvement. Also, have you looked at closing costs on the loan- this would eat up some of the savings from the lower interest rate. I agree with the other comments about not wanting to trade unsecured debt for secured debt.
I’d focus on paying off one card at the time/transferring something to a lower/promotional interest rate.
Anonymous
You should figure out how to pay this off out of income. And if you can’t do that yet, you can’t afford to move. You have not paid for your last move. You can’t afford a new move until you get a handle on your spending and budgeting and pay it off. Don’t rob your home equity to finance consumer debt.
Anon
This. You can’t keep digging. Stay where you are until you get ahead of your debt.
Veronica Mars
Have you considered Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey? It is a Christian-based program, but it’s only $95 for either an online-only or an in person class. I found that it was helpful to go to the class and speak about our specific questions with the leader. It’s not for everyone, however. I’ve heard another great class is Budget Boot Camp by the Paiges. The bottom line, however you choose to tackle this issue, is that going into debt is often a result of looking for quick fixes for problems–debt is fast and easy. Budgeting and saving is hard (at first), slow and requires planning. If you’re looking for a quick path out of debt (HELOC, 0% CC), there isn’t one. There’s no shortcut. You have to budget and pay it off piece by piece, and work on the underlying behaviors that got you to that point.
emeralds
I have to agree with this.
What’s the spread on your cc cards? What are your interest rates? Have you looked into debt repayment strategies like snowballing?
Senior Attorney
Yes. Snowballing is really the way to go here. You can’t borrow your way out of debt. (Ask me how I know!)
Anonymous
We got a copy of this software as a wedding gift. It’s not really my speed and we’ve never used it, but I’m happy to send to the poster for free if you post a burner — happy to mail it to you.
+1
This! We had a similar situation and finished paying off CC debt in January by way of the snowball. We had about $20k that kept getting moved from 0% card to 0% card. Even though we’re not crazy spenders, the lack of planning (budget) and little emergencies here and there resulted in us never paying off the original amount (around $10k) and instead giving ourselves larger “lines” of credit by way of all these new cards. It was a mess.
Doing the snowball has meant that we’ve been tight every month (and live differently than everyone I work with at fancy job), but we’re throwing it all at debt and we’re seeing the difference. Plus, it’s just a season while we get out of debt. I actually hopped on here today to share that we paid off my law school loans (as of today). All that’s left is the car and husband’s student loans! We are slated for a debt free 2020!
Inspired by Hermione
Congratulations! That’s huge.
MagicUnicorn
If you are planning to sell your home in a year, and you think you can pay a significant portion on the CC debt between now and then, why not transfer the CC debt to a 0% interest card now, pay as much as you can during the 12 month promo period, then use your home sale proceeds to pay off the rest when you sell next summer? This is not my area of expertise, so take this with a grain of salt.
Go for it
Take this book out of the library and do what it says: Gerrold Mundis “How to get out of debt, stay out of debt, and live prosperously”
It’s old, it’s good, and so so worth it.
Anonymous
I think that the secret here is to live below your means (or I guess at your means really) and pay down your debt the old-fashioned way. You don’t have to eat rice and beans every night or cut your husband’s hair, but frugal is the name of the game. Pay as much off as you can every month. Your kids are young so they won’t care if you get their clothes at the thrift store.
Fortunately, there are so many ugly trends out there, beaded bags, pooka shells, cropped flares, so there is less temptation out there!
anon a mouse
You need a budget! Both the app YNAB, but also to structure your budget in a way that your spending truly reflects your priorities.
You might qualify for a HELOC, but I would argue against it — you’ll pay fees to take it out, and then the payments will likely be interest-only (though lower than your CC interest). And you’ll be trading unsecured debt for secured.
I would recommend taking out a 0% card with a balance transfer — look for one with a long interest-free payback, 15 or 18 months. Then put as much as you can on that card — but you HAVE TO PAY IT OFF by the end of the period or you will owe buckets of back interest. You may still have part of your original debt as a balance on the original cards, but you will cut your interest payments significantly. Once you’ve paid off the 0% transfer, either do it again with another balance transfer promo for the remainder, or at that point you may have sold your house and can pay it off out of the proceeds.
Good luck, you got this!
lsw
Have you considered one of the nonprofit debt consolidation things? They actually close your card(s), take on the debt themselves, and you pay them back at a lower interest rate.
Otherwise, can you calculate the cost of transfer to a 0% balance card and see if it would still be worth transferring, even if you take more than a year to pay it? And is the rate comparable to your current rate after the promotional period ends?
I’ve been there, and it sucks. Good luck.
Anon
Have you heard of debt snowball? You pick the lowest debt and attack it with might, while paying monthly balance or minimum or others… Then, once you close that off, you attack the next smallest one. and so on…This method gives you a sense of accomplishment when you close off the cards one by one.
Another way to deal with this is to attack the highest interest card. This method will save you money in the long run. This is the logical right brained way to go about it.
Last method is to pick the debt that creates the worst emotional reaction to you – Maybe its a family debt or maybe the debt was incurred that annoys you or maybe the debt takes away the joy in enjoying the thing you bought… This is another emotional way to get on board with tackling the debt.
In essence, attacking one card at a time will get you more mileage to build momentum than all at the same time.
Anon
In addition to above, I want to add –
– Maybe you can move the lowest or the lowest two into a 0% card,
– OR maybe move the highest interest debt into the 0% card
only IF it is possible to just pay those off in a year.
Anon
Maybe try to cut down or expenses even further. I know you are already trying, but maybe you can tighten the belt with a couple more cuts just to get you off the debt wagon.
– Go longer between hair cuts / DIY salon stuff
– Less eating out
– Lunch prep during weekends / Prep dinner during weekends… so it makes easy to eat at home .. I bulk cook to have something in freezer all the time. There’s someone on a forum that posted how they made a few type of soups and froze them all in lunch containers so it was easy to pick and choose lunch the previous night and put it n the fridge… You can also do salad jars for lunch.. Look up pinterest or google.
– No buy week – use up all grocery and snacks in pantry and fridge
– Cook more from ingredients and less from packaged products
– Stretch the meat by making lasagna, chili etc.. or go meatless days.
– a sidehustle need not be a regular thing, it could be a one off thing or as-available thing when time permits.
It all adds up..
Anonymous
Congrats on getting realistic about where you are and where you need to go. That is a really hard first step. I agree 100% with looking at Dave Ramsey’s baby steps and Debt Snowball method.
Traveling Lawyer
I’ll add my agreement to Dave Ramsey. I don’t agree with all of his investment advice, but the get out of debt stuff works. But, I can summarize it here for you. Figure out your monthly income, and your monthly set expenses, including minimum payments on all credit card debt. Set a budget for discretionary expenses and stick to it. Revisit the discretionary expenses each month because it will change depending on the needs of each month.
After you have your budget, take whatever amount is left and put it towards the lowest balance credit card until that is paid off. When that card is paid off, take the “extra” money each month plus the minimum payment from the payed off card and apply it to the next lowest balance until that card is paid off, and so on. If your spending stays pretty stable, you’ll be able to calculate how many months it will take you to pay off all the debt. Even if its two years, it feels good to have a plan and an end in sight.
SFinhouse
Has anyone ever chartered a boat to go around the Greek isles? Any recommendations?
Anon
No but this is a dream trip of mine. Please report back if you go!!
anon
Not a charter, but I did a small cruise (100 people) around the Greek isles and Turkish coast on Windstar.
Loved it!
Anon
My parents LOVE Windstar and refuse to cruise with anyone else, even the ultra-luxury lines. They love being on an actual sailing ship. It’s on our to-do list for sure when our kids are old enough. They have a minimum age of 8, I think.
Equestrian attorney
When I was younger my parents and some friends of theirs did this with Sunsail and I tagged along. I was great – so much fun and the skipper was friendly and competent. It’s a wonderful way to see the islands while escaping the crowds to some extent. I remember my parents found it very expensive though, but you probably know that already – they actually went on to take a course and now rent boats without skippers, which is cheaper. Sunsail is a well-known company that offers a lot of amenities (I think the other big one is Moorings). They picked us up at the airport, the boat was clean and brand new, and they had our grocery shopping ordered ahead and delivered to the boat, which was super convenient.
Anonymous
But what about pooping and showering
Anonnnn
I have another post in moderation, but more to add here:
The Moorings is all more or less new boats. When the boats are a few years old they get moved to Sunsail. After a few more years they become Footloose. They are priced accordingly, with Moorings being the most full service/highest quality boats and experience. All three are affiliates under Tui Marine. At least in the BVIs the three companies/brands check-in desks are all at the same marina. I don’t think Sunsail and Footloose are in as many destinations worldwide. I’ve chartered under all three names and I bet you can guess my preference – Moorings, then Sunsail then Fotoloose (honestly, I don’t think I’d do Footloose again – too many small broken or worn things that made sailing the boats more work than I wanted for a vacation). Maybe if you have a captain you wouldn’t notice this stuff, but sailing it myself wasn’t as much fun as I wanted.
As for cost, it’s the cost of the boat (size, quality, type x number of days) and then it’s a la carte after that. A captain and/or cook for a week is definitely a real expense, then you have choices about meals – you can have everything provided, only have a few days worth of meals if you plan to eat on shore, etc. Meals are charged per person, while the biggest expense (boat + captain) are all fixed so the more people that go the lower per person cost.
Anonnnn
The Moorings is an outstanding company. I am a sailor and have done bareboat charters with them multiple times where I’m captain, but they have both sale and motor yachts. You can hire a captain and/or chef that will travel with you. I’ve only been to the BVIs with The Moorings but dream of using them in other locations around the world.
Pompom
If you’re looking to scratch the itch before you can actually go, highly recommend the memoir “Mediterranean Summer” by David Shalleck. Guy works as the chef on a luxury mega yacht in the Cote d’Azur and Costa Bella. I was both hungry and packing my bags the whole book.
anon
I am in the mood to buy something pretty. What have you had your eye on?
I am thinking jewelry, scarf, sandals, pajamas…I don’t know
JS
I’ve been loving this collection of jewelry! https://www.daisyjewellery.com/collections/estee-lalonde-all
BabyAssociate
I like browsing the Real Real for silk scarves! They have great selections of Hermes and Ferragamo scarves.
NOLA
I bought myself a set of stacking rings at Sundance and love them. I bought the topaz twist (https://www.sundancecatalog.com/product/topaz+twist+rings%2C+set+of+5.do?sortby=ourPicks&refType=&from=fn) but there are several sets that are really pretty. Of course, I have very long fingers, so it might not work for you!
Higher-quality pedicure?
I usually go to a pretty basic nail salon for pedicures. They don’t do a perfect job, and typically the polish chips within a few days (which does not happen when I do my own nails, so I wonder if they dilute the polish or it’s too old?) If I seek out a more expensive pedicure, will it reliably be better done? I’m willing to pay a bit more, but don’t want to waste the money if it will be the same results.
Anonymous
Try getting a gel pedi. It’ll last longer!
anon
Does the gel pedicure take longer and do I need to sit under the UV? How does it work?
AnonInfinity
I got a gel manicure once and felt like it damaged my nails. People I know who do them regularly do a lot of damage to their nails, so I have never done another one. My pedicure place has some polishes that have a different colored lid (I think silver?) that’s supposed to be longer lasting, traditional polish. I usually choose one of those, and mine last several weeks. I’d recommend trying a different place once and seeing if you like it before you go the gel route.
Anon
Eh I’ve been getting gel manis for three years now without breaks and I still have nails. I keep them short. It’s not a problem.
Anonymous
It doesn’t take longer, and drying time is zero so there’s no worry about messing your nails up before you leave. Generally they apply several layers of gel, and in between each layer you put your toes under the UV device. They’ll have you put the toes that aren’t being painted under the UV while they paint the toes of the other foot so it doesn’t add on time. Then at the end they are fully dry without having to go under the dryer!
cat socks
Some salons offer gel polish pedicures, which last much longer than regular polish. I think you need to try a different salon. I don’t think it’s normal for the polish to start chipping so soon after the pedicure.
Carrots
Agree – you need a better salon, not necessarily more expensive. I’ve rarely had a pedicure chip within a few days.
Anon
Ditto. Pedicures last weeks. You don’t need to spend more – but polish should definitely last.
Anon
Another +1. Definitely change salons. I also noticed one summer that a particular pair of closed-toe shoes (boat shoes) were a culprit. But, first, change salons!
C2
Yep. I get a solid month out of a pedicure, only less if I’m on a beach vacation and the sand does a number to the paint job.
anon
Yup. My pedicures usually look decent for about 3 weeks. I usually don’t go anywhere especially fancy.
pomme-grenade
Agree- you need to go to a another salon. I get a monthly pedicure with regular OPI polish and it lasts a solid 3 weeks. Good luck!
editrix
If you think the problem is simply diluted polish, bring your own.
Anon
Does anyone have any recommendations for a good song for the bride and groom to walk back down the aisle to? The bride will be walking up the aisle to an instrumental version of “here comes the sun” and the wedding will be outdoors in the mountains. I’m thinking something classic but idk what? The bride asked for my help and I know her taste, but just don’t know that many bands.
Veronica Mars
Is it playing a recording or are there live musicians? If it’s playing a song, I recommend Vivaldi recomposed by Max Richter– Spring. It’s familiar and fresh and I think it’s hopelessly optimistic. I walked down the aisle to Spring.
Idea
I went to a wedding like this once and they played “Love is all you need”
Senior Attorney
Yes, this is great. If you use the Beatles recording it begins with a big trumpet fanfare and it’s just perfect.
Anon
Or get a secret band and choir to show up and perform it like in Love Actually :)
Falstaff
Everlasting Love
fun upbeat love songs
Beyonce – Love on Top
Anonymous
We walked back down the aisle to “Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da”.
Anon
I did something by Vitamin String Quartet, may have been “All You Need is Love,” “At Last,” or “Dog Days are Over”.
Senior Attorney
Also discount the traditional Mendelssohn recessional from A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Senior Attorney
DON’T discount it. Sheesh.
Anon
Daylight by Matt and Kim.
Anonymous
We used On Top Of the World, I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles), I Wanna Hold Your Hand, and I Choose You (by Sara Bareilles) as our ceremony songs, all played by an acoustic guitarist.
Anon
I used “Happy Together” and it remains one of my favorite memories of my wedding.
Anon
Ohh this is a good one.
I used Viva Las Vegas, or rather the Elvis chapel did, but that was pretty specific to my wedding. ;)
Anonymous
Back in Black AC/DC
Anon
????
pugsnbourbon
If you really did this at your wedding you’d be my personal hero.
Anonymous
Spiral Starecase, “I Love You More Today Than Yesterday”
Anonymous
My sister and brother-in-law walked (danced) out to Signed Sealed Delivered. It was great!
Anon
Thanks everyone – appreciate the recommendations!
Memorial Day Ideas?
Any suggestions on where to go for a last minute trip over Memorial Day? Traveling from the midwest, want to stay in the US, preferably 3 hr or less flight. This is a relax/recharge type trip, so not interested in a big city. Would love a relaxing spot near water. Just want to wander around, eat good food, and generally chill out for a couple of days. Thanks!
Anon
Fly to Pensacola and rent somewhere on 30A? You can still probably find something last minute.
RGH
Yes! Grayton Beach or Seaside.
kk
If you’re looking for warmer weather, I’d go to the Montage at Palmetto Bluff, in Bluffton, South Carolina. It’s a little quieter than Kiawah, but has many of the same slow and relaxing amenities. If your budget allows, stay in a cottage/cottage suite. Each room comes with bikes for you to explore the property and nature trails, there’s great dining on the resort and in nearby Bluffton. It’s an easy drive from the Savannah airport- you could spend a day bopping around Savannah, if youre up for it.
If you’re up for more variable weather, I’d go to Traverse City, Michigan, and stay in an airbnb or at the Hotel Indigo. There are absolutely no fancy hotels in town, but if thats your thing, you could stay at the Grand Traverse Resort across the bay. I’d go to wine and beer and distillery tours on Old Mission Peninsula, go kayaking, go to a concert at interlochen, and eat great food in town.
30A
Rosemary or Aly’s Beach.
Nassau/Bahamas recs
Going for a long weekend at the Atlantis resort in Nassau, any tips/recommendations? I’ll be there with one of my best girlfriends so mostly just looking to relax!
Anon
I have kids and they enjoyed Atlantis but it’s not a place I’d pick for a relaxing girlfriends getaway. I’m not someone who thinks you need to stay in an adults-only resort to have a nice adult getaway, but Atlantis is not far off from Disney in terms of how kid-centric it is.
Anonymous
It’s just where we’re going to be based because we got a steal on the room through a family connect, not really planning to hang around the water park — looking for food, other beaches to go to, etc.!
Swimming Pigs!
if you’re looking for an amazing, phenomenal, slightly splurgy excursion – I did the Pig Island with Harbour Safaris.
includes lunch, a great day on a boat, in gorgeous water, on remote Cays in the Exhumas, just phenomenal. The guys who run the trip are highly experienced and I did my trip right after another tour-boat exploded and people died, so you can BET I did my research on high quality companies.
https://www.harboursafaris.com/swimming-pigs/
$778 for two people. you have to be prepared to physically spend time on a speed boat. it’s a whole 8 hour day, but oh man, it was a great day.
Anonymous
Ummm cool story but she’s clearly already booked it!
Anon
I went as an adult and loved it. Then again, I love waterparks, swimming with dolphins, having mozzarella sticks and pina coladas for lunch, and a big buffet dinner.
Anonymous
You sound like a fantastic friend and you are officially invited to every getaway from here on out!
anon
I could really go for this vacation right now. You had me at mozzarella sticks.
Anon
Eying a few things from modcloth. Do they ever do sitewide sales, like 30-40% off or anything like that?
lsw
They occasionally email me codes. I just got one today for 25% off that I won’t be using if you want to:
NBO-XXHLFTSBKHPXXVVR
"worry about yourself" advice
I need to work on “worrying about myself” at work, i.e. not judging other people’s work habits and behaviors. Any practical suggestions for redirecting my thoughts? There are two people in particular who drive me absolutely crazy, and that’s only harming me.
Idea
You can totally judge. Just recognize it and reframe it and think about them more objectively.
“Oh, that lady talks too much. How annoying! She’s probably an external processer person and I’ll just try to avoid her and deflect her and focus on my own work.”
Or, “Oh, that lady talks too much. How annoying! She’s probably a lonely person whose only joy is fake coworker relationships and I’ll just try to avoid her and deflect her and focus on my own work.”
Judging per se isn’t bad. We all do it. It’s just stressing out about it that’s the bad part.
Anon
I try to remind myself that people aren’t doing their annoying behaviors AT me. It sounds silly but it really helps reframe it in my mind
Anon
Maybe try telling yourself there is someone you’re annoying the crap out of without knowing it. We are all someone else’s kryptonite.
OP
Ha, fair point. I appreciate the reframing ideas.
anon
Has anyone in the DC area had a good experience with allergy shots — or even better — drops? If so, where did you go? My allergies are awful all year thanks to a dust allergy, and I’d love to reduce my reliance on medicines, but this seems like a really big time and money commitment. Any advice? TIA!
Anon
I think I have a dust allergy as well (never been tested, just from what I’ve observed) and getting a robot vacuum has already helped a lot (thanks for the recs here on that, everyone!). We run it almost every day and it picks up a lot of dust each time, which is telling me that I just wasn’t getting the place vacuumed well enough before. Maybe try that if you don’t already have one and if you’re interested in reducing the meds?
BabyAssociate
My allergist didn’t recommend them for me (lots of allergies and it’s an insane time commitment) and said that she really only recommends them when people can’t/won’t take antihistamines. That being said, tons of people get them at the office: Fishman Allergy & Asthma on K St.
Anon
For some people they still suffer terribly from allergies even with antihistamines. Antihistamines aren’t a cure all, they may just take an allergy sufferer from “may have an asthma attack in spring” to “feel like a permanent cold”. I recommend to talk to an allergist, especially after you have tried antihistamines and steroidal nasal sprays (Flonase and Nasocort – they are more effective than the pill and work well in conjunction with pill antihistamines).
Anon.
Not in DC area, but allergy shots were a game changer for me.
As to the time commitment, ask if the allergist will do a ‘Rush’ start – I spent one day getting shots every 15 minutes which was like the equivalent of roughly 9 months worth of shots. After that I was on the weekly plan for about 2 years.
Anon
Not in the DC area, but DH had allergy shots 20 years ago due to allergies to grass, dust mites, and pet dander. Pre-shots, his eyes would be bright red and tearing constantly and he’d be sneezing all the time. Post-shots, he has no allergies whatsoever and can mow the lawn, be around pets, etc with no discomfort. At the height of allergy season, not a sniffle, whereas I have developed mild seasonal allergies. All this is anecdata, but it was a huge life improvement for him. Although I do recall the shots being expensive, they were worth every penny in his case.
Horse Crazy
I’m hosting a fundraiser for my local political club in a couple of weeks. It’s on a Saturday at 11 AM, and there will be about 35 people there. I have people bringing baked brie and a baguette, quiche, and meatballs. I’m going to do a dessert platter with berries, madelines, and whipped cream. We are having mimosas (as well as non-alcoholic options). What other food items should I get? Thanks, all!
Have fun
Another vegetarian protein thing. Hummus and raw vegetables.
I went to a liberal political lunch in the southeast – the hostess provided “ImPEACH Iced Tea”. Very funny and tasty!
Horse Crazy
Omg I love that!!
anon
Some veggies — crudite and caprese skewers (can make them toothpick-sized with a grape tomato, a piece of fresh mozz, and a piece of basil).
Is the quiche vegetarian? If not, I would add a vegetarian quiche or some other vegetarian protein as Have fun suggested, but probably ok if it’s vegetarian.
anonymous
Anyone have experience using Ecloth products? I’m skeptical about how they can clean with just water, but I’m considering trying them – especially the mop. I feel like my current steam mop doesn’t really get the floor fully clean. I’ll spot clean an area with a paper towel and it still picks up some dirt. Wondering if these might be a better option.
NYC Housing?
My sibling is moving to NYC for work and will be making $80,000. Where are affordable neighborhoods to look for an apartment? Any rental companies you’d recommend?
Single, no debt, mid-30s, some savings but probably nowhere near enough to buy although I would gladly help if that was an option.
Im not even sure what target rent should be with her income – her goal is saving as much as possible. She’d happily live in a basic place in a far away neighborhood but would like other fun people/restaurants around if possible (as opposed to just families).
Anonymous
Do you know where her job is? Commute is a big factor in where it makes sense to live. For example I live in Jersey City, love it, think she could find something affordable, but I wouldn’t want to commute from here uptown!
NYC Housing?
Oh – good point! I’ll ask :)
NYC Housing?
Correction- $70,000 salary
Previously Broke
This might be super dorm-like (shared bathrooms and showers, shared kitchen and dining room) so your sister might not be willing to consider it esp in her 30s, but I lived at the Jeanne D’Arc Residence on 8th & 23rd when I was making <$30k prior to Biglaw. Also considered the Webster Apartments for Women (slightly fancier with weekly cleaning service) but ruled it out because it was too expensive for me. There were a bunch of single women in their 20s and 30s in the apartments, and although it wasn't a super sociable environment like a college dorm might be because people were working multiple jobs, I managed to make a few friends. The location was unbeatable for me.
If I remember correctly rent including utililities in a largish dorm room was less than $750/month. 24 hour doorman building with elevator, but strict policy on no guys in the building / no overnight guests in room (they had a separate shared guest room for 2-3 for $25/night/bed for female friends and female family of residents) and old facilities furnished with early 1900s steel and wooden furniture.
Anon
I was wishing so hard for an option like this in law school! I loved living in an all female dorm but dorms just weren’t done past one’s sophomore (or MAYBE) junior year of college where I was/am. I still wish it had been an option–I think it would’ve kept my expenses way down.
NY CPA
For Manhattan, affordable areas that still have lots of restaurants, bars, etc.: Upper East Side, Lower East Side, Hells Kitchen, Murray Hill (though it trends more towards people in their 20s). Although in any of those neighborhoods, it’s going to be very challenging to find a place for < $2K that isn't shared with roommates. She might find something for cheaper if she's ok with living in Harlem or even further north (Inwood/Washington Heights).
I'm not as familiar with outer borough neighborhoods.
I can't recommend a particular rental company (mine is fine but not great or anything). Her best bet is just to look on StreetEasy, which aggregates apartment listings.
The Original ...
Avoid the East Side in many areas if she’s trying to save… in addition to them being affluent, the grocery stores and restaurants there tend to cost more. If she goes somewhere above 125th on the West Side, she’s more apt to find less expensive housing which will also have less expensive options for grocery/take-out/pharmacy/etc. (I’ve lived in or dated someone in almost all of the areas mentioned above in recent years and I’d originally not realized how much the daily costs of life pricing differed based on the community’s general budget.)
She ought to also consider looking for walk-ups with apartments on higher floors, if she is capable, which often drops the price a lot.
NYC Housing?
Thanks, all! This is very helpful! The job is down near Wall Street but commuting will be fine to save money.
Anonymous
If she’s in the financial district — depending on what side she’s on — def consider Jersey City or Brooklyn.
Is it Friday yet?
LES/Chinatown if she wants to be in Manhattan. Brooklyn – though the cheaper parts are a longer commute, and it’s easy to end up a 15 minute walk from a subway if you’re going for cheap. Jersey City or Hoboken near the WTC PATH train – both have plenty of younger people and bars/restaurants (and are the best option if she has/wants a car). Even Newark or Harrison wouldn’t be terrible – my understanding is that they’re both quite safe if you’re right by the PATH, though there’s less to do.
Other inexpensive places (Harlem and northwards, Queens – LIC and Forest Hills are both nice) are wayyyy less convenient to Wall Street. Staten Island is cheap and the ferry is free, but I would not recommend. I’ve had a few friends that lived there to save money and they all left the second their leases were up because it’s all families and there’s nothing to do (the single female friend was MISERABLE there).
Anon
Look to rent in Jersey city. Many of my wall street friends (frugal) lived in Jersey city and commuted. I lived in battery park city and it was expensive, even with a room mate.
Anon
Has anyone seen Pretty Woman the Musical? I’ve read the reviews and know they’re not great, but I LOVE the movie and kind of want to see the show just for the nostalgia factor.
Anon
I thought it was cute. Is it the best musical ever? No. Is it the show I’d recommend seeing over others? No. Is it a fun and entertaining way to spend a few hours? Yes. If you can get tickets at a good price I’d recommend
Lila Fowler
Agreed with Anon above. If you love the movie see it, but definitely don’t pay full price.
Anon
I work with some yelly people and I think I’m too sensitive for it. Two partners I work with on a daily basis yell in every meeting. It’s never about me–its about the opposing side or how unfair something is, always emotionally charged and kind of like the work version of fight talk. But it’s often directed at me, and I don’t think I handle it well. I nod and can be fine with it in the moment, but by the end of an hour long meeting I just have this “stop yelling/get me out of this room” mentality and shut down. I find being on the receiving end of the yelling to be mentally and physically exhausting. Yesterday I had a one-on-one meeting with one of the yelly partners at 9am and by 11 I felt so run down that I contemplated leaving at lunch to go nap. These partners may have a rough meeting style, but they are wonderful to work for and give me incredible opportunities and respect. How do I toughen up around a yelly culture?
Anonymous
You don’t. Find a new job. I’m a lawyer no one ever yells in my office it would be viewed as wildly inappropriate
Anon
Eh, I agree that full-on screaming isn’t appropriate, but from her description it sounds more like these are just passionate people who get worked up over a lot of things (“It’s never about me–its about the opposing side or how unfair something is, always emotionally charged and kind of like the work version of fight talk.”) To me, there’s a world of difference between a loud, angry rant about opposing counsel and screaming at a junior associate because they made a mistake. I haven’t worked in any law office where the former would be “wildly inappropriate.”
Anon
+1 it’s the distinction between swearing and swearing at someone. You may not be comfortable in a work environment where people curse the other side, deadlines, whatever. But it’s not really wildly inappropriate like swearing at someone for making a mistake.
In any event, not all firms operate like this and if it’s taking a toll on the posters mental health it’s worth considering making a move to a more relaxed/less intense culture.
Anonymous
It absolutely would be inappropriate in my firm to be yelling at all on a regular basis. It’s simply not done.
Anon
That’s the point I was trying to make. This is normal at many places.
Signed worked at two different firms where this is normal but have friends other places that are horrified by this.
January
If they’re regularly yelling at you, I’m not sure they give you much respect.
(But I can relate to the sensitivity point).
Suburban
I sympathize because I feel the same way about yelling. No one yells at my job and it’s something I really value. However, my husband worked for a very “yelly” big law partner and I asked how he wasn’t rattled by it. He said it was harder for him not to laugh. His internal monologue was something like “look at this fool losing his mind again” or “ I can’t believe he’s not going to be embarrassed by this in two hours when we’re discussing something else.” Maybe that mental shift is worth trying?
Anonymous
Right off the bat, there is nothing “wrong” with you, you are not “too sensitive,” and this situation sounds exhausting. All that said, I’d suggest working with a therapist to learn some coping skills that can help you in the moment. When I was in a bad work situation with some yelly partners, therapy helped me get through the day so I still had energy in the evenings to do the networking I needed to do to find another job. And now I’m at a job with great mentors and no yelling!
Anon
YMMV but I worked with someone who did successfully change this behavior. He hired an assistant who had some traumatic things happen in her past. She candidly told the yeller in a calm moment that while she understood he was never yelling at her and just yelling about situations, it was very hard for her to concentrate when he did this and it made her very anxious due to her past. She politely asked him if he would close his door when yelling on calls and try to refrain from yelling around her. To everyone’s surprise, he majorly toned down the yelling all around. I think he didn’t realize how much he was doing it and he never considered how it affected others until she told him.
Anon
Yeah, I’m probably one of these “yelly” people. I’m a loud person, I know this in general, but I don’t realize it in the moment. I’m never “yelling” in my opinion, but I get really loud when I’m excited or irked about something, my volume just amps up like crazy. I honestly wish more people would tell me if it bothers them because I can make a conscious effort to keep it down around someone if I know it bothers them.
Unpredictably Irrational?
Help. How do I deal when my SO (a kind and usually rational and problem-solving economist, who doesn’t really do anything crazy, financially or otherwise) sometimes talks about his impressions of one event or another being linked with each other, but what to me seem to be completely irrational beliefs?
For example, he was quite superstitious about how his work life has been unlucky after coming across a certain animal (when pressed whether he thinks there is any correlation, he will say he doesn’t know). He was also under the impression (quite insistently) that his colleagues knew about his job hunting, even though he acknowledged (multipld times) that he had no solid evidence to support this impression.
I’ve tried talking him out of it by whether his beliefs are helpful to amending the situation at work (he agrees that it is not, but continually insists on his initial impressions). Granted, he’s been getting mobbed at work with little improvement despite multiple efforts to communicate with management, and I’ve been rationalizing to myself that he is probably so stressed at work that he is trying to attribute the cause to things that are not in fact connected. But I really don’t know what to make of this insistance/pigheadedness, and find myself getting exasperated, especially when the same rounds of discussions come back to his insistance of his impression.
I don’t usually roll my eyes at his views/choices and we’re usually on the same page re values/interests/future plans/kids, and we’ve been together for more than a year before this issue surfaced, but this line of thinking really baffles me. SO is quite introverted with esoteric tastes, is not always super socially aware, and he does have a tendency to pre-fail himself and expect to be disappointed and not get his hopes up, especially when it comes to important issues of love and work. We are both aware of and trying to work through the last point.
I know people can be superstitious (and I sometimes am, too, which others might find completely wild), but SO seems to be quite serious in his beliefs, in which he is unchanged. I think he knows not to act on those beliefs, but I don’t know why he is telling me these things or what he expects me to react (which might be my own issue, to be discussed in individual therapy). At long last, I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable that he insists on linking what are in my mind completely discrete events, and since then he has stopped mentioning one of the above…but I don’t know if I should start distrusting his general good judgment over this, and what it means for our relationship.
Honestly, his irrational beliefs professed so far have not affected our relationship directly (which is otherwise great), but which might be prompting me to gloss over this point. Should I be more concerned / try to dig deeper / try harder to talk him out of these / cope in a different way? Am I missing something bigger? Any advice/recommendations?
Anonymous
Break up. You clearly think he’s weird and verging on unhinged. Why would you want to add that to your life?
Anon
You are going beyond making a mountain out of a mole hill. You’re making a planet out of a speck of dust. Nothing of the above indicates that there is anything wrong with him, nor does any of it really affect you or your relationship in any way. Why do you need to police his beliefs. Why is him being superstitious or thinking that his colleagues know he’s job hunting (honestly they probably do if he’s popping out for interviews and such) a huge deal to you?
This sounds like an issue deeply rooted in the need to control your significant other, to the degree that he doesn’t even talk to you about these things on his mind. He doesn’t need the help, you do.
Senior Attorney
This is put super harshly, but… yeah, I kind of agree. What you describe sounds well, well within the bounds of normal and the only problem seems to be is that you think it’s a problem.
The Original ...
I’d wait til a time this wasn’t happening and ask him what he wants from me when he tells me about these things in the future. Knowing if he wants me to just listen or to rub his back and validate his feelings of stress or help him to troublesh00t would help me to know how much I need to buy into his beliefs. (If it was just about listening/validating, I could get the point, then focus my thoughts on other things while he vented so I didn’t get invested in my own feelings about what he’s claiming), if it’s a need to troublesh00t, I’d do that plus focus my thoughts on identifying the problem so I could work with him on solution ideas when the venting part was over.
Good luck
I…. can’t really tell who has more anxiety here, and to be clear, I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and take drugs for it and go to constant therapy.
His anxiety causes…. your anxiety.
Good luck!
A good book to read is “Loving Someone with Anxiety: Understanding and Helping Your Partner
Book by Kate N. Thieda”
LAnon
If it’s not truly impacting his life that he has weird superstitions, then I think you just have to recognize that this is one of his quirks. And I can sort of understand – I have this idea in my head that when I see a hummingbird in the morning, it’s going to be a good or lucky day.
So, if your SO says, “I saw a black squirrel this morning and knew it was going to be a bad day and IT WAS,” that’s just sort of harmless superstition. If he says, “I saw a black squirrel this morning and quit my job because of it!”, then I think you have more to be concerned about.
To sum up – if it’s a mostly harmless coping mechanism that he uses to explain away misfortune, then you just have to decide if that’s something you want to continue to put up with, and what putting up with it looks like for you.
I do think one of the sweetest things about good partners is when they not only tolerate your quirks but embrace them – like when my SO texts me a (blurry, terrible) picture of a hummingbird with the caption “he was looking for you!”, it just melts my heart even though my SO doesn’t share my hummingbird-based belief system.
Mrs. Jones
+1
Anonymous
Yes, is it possible that he is just…talking? Sometimes people say inane stuff as part of a conversation. “Hey i saw a black squirrel and i knew it was going to be a bad day” seems to fall into that category. I don’t know if all people always deeply passionately believe the things that they say. Sometimes they are just words.
Senior Attorney
Right? Good Lord if my husband took seriously every word that comes out of my mouth we would have a very serious problem!!
Anon
+1
Anon
Or, for a different take… I was in a long term relationship with someone who was eventually diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and further down the road became completely disabled due to delusions. I unfortunately was in this relationship as the disease was just starting to manifest. While this was generally a smart, rational person, he would get completely hung up on these “coincidences”. One was that the bank clock would always show 4:44 when he was driving through a certain stretch of the freeway and also that was the address of a building he worked at in college. (Like, maybe you leave work around 4:30 so it is taking you 14 minutes to get there? Nope.) At one point he started to be convinced his ex-roommate had cursed him (yes, she totally looked like a witch but we know that there is no such thing as witches, right?). There were many more of these mild kinds of “links” before it all unraveled. 911 really screwed with him and many more “coincidences” started emerging after that. He had asked me why is it that my birthday is the same day as princess Diana’s funeral (I’m not even sure that’s true). He was positive that the government implanted a listening device into his brain. He had yelled at someone in a grocery store for trying to communicate with him telepathically. Thank all the gods in the world that this relationship ended. I can’t even imagine what it’s like inside his head. Yes, I feel very sorry for him. But it’s really, really trying to be involved in that circus of delusions because at some point you don’t even know what’s true.
Anon
Also, be aware the disease emerges between early and late twenties. If your SO is past that age, he is probably fine.
Honeymoon
You all have the best travel suggestions – any resort ideas for an early October honeymoon? Preferably beachy, all-inclusive and not a crazy plane ride from the East Coast. Thanks!
Cat
October is tricky because a lot of the Caribbean is shut down mid-Sept until mid-Nov. Even if the big resorts are open, the weather can be iffy since it’s hurricane season so your whole trip could be overcast and dreary if not stormed out. What’s a “crazy” plane ride to you? Maybe Cabo?
Honeymoon
It is really tricky that time of year. An 8-10 hour flight would be pushing it for us.
busybee
What about Portugal? Beachy, and there are resorts, though they will be different than a typical Caribbean resort.
Anonymous
Greece. I know, it’s far, it’s not all inclusive. But it’s so much better than some carribean resort.
Anon
This is unfair. I honeymooned in Greece and loved it, but it’s not objectively “so much better” than a beach resort. People want different things out of life and travel and her preferences are valid. I will also say that weddings are exhausting, and even though I normally love active travel, a honeymoon right after your wedding is one time I really understand just wanting to veg on the beach.
anon a mouse
Aruba – outside the hurricane belt.
Anon
+1
Senior Attorney
Cabo for sure (too many hurricanes in the Atlantic)!
anon
Costa Rica? Not sure how long of a plane ride that would be.
Abby
Just went to CR, I think it’s rainy season in October. We were routed through ATL to Liberia, which is about a 4 hour flight.
Anon
Live Aqua Cancun is a fabulous adults-only all inclusive. I think you’ll be ok in hurricane season, but it is obviously a risk. We went in August and had beautiful weather. Most major east coast cities should have non-stop flights to Cancun and it won’t be that long a flight.
Anon
Pueblo Bonito Pacifica, Cabo San Lucas (we flew from Boston and it was manageable).
The Frenchie is my favorite kid
I am going to go out on a limb and suggest El Salvador. I just got back and it was lovely. I spent part of the time at Boca Olas resort and it was low key and lovely. We had a private surf guide take us to almost empty black sand beaches a few minutes away for $60 a day, including boards and instruction. We ate the best pupusas ever for $8 for 2 people, including beer.
The resort had two lovely pools and included a delicious breakfast. The rooms were spacious and modern. It was really relaxing.
Junior Associate
Don’t know if you’re still reading, but Portugal was a favorite honeymoon destination for many of my friends. There are some fantastic resorts for not-so-crazy prices on the southern coast — weather might be a bit cool for in-water activities in October though beaches were definitely enjoyable and the sun was blazing! I stayed in the Cascade Wellness and Lifestyle Resort in Lagos in October and had a great time, including awesome food, barbecues, cavernous beaches, boat excursions (and some sea swimming, though the water is definitely on the cooler side), and generally just lounging around the resort.
s
Talk to me about Morocco! My SO and I have a week in October and are curious. Many tours seem to be in the 10-day range. I’m not sure where to start. Thanks!
Cat
What’s your priority? Some old city time + Atlas mountains/desert? Marrakech + an Atlas/dune overnight might work. Or Tangier + a city or two in southern Spain? I’ve heard Casablanca is overrated…
Crossed Paws
My husband and I spent 10 days in Morocco over the holidays last years and really enjoyed it. We went to Fes, Marrakech, and Imlil/Atlas Mountains. You have a lot of options as to how to spend your time and what you want to focus on. So in the cities, obviously it is a lot of touring historic sites and the medinas. I loved hiking in the Atlas Mountains, but we didn’t have time to get to the Sahara. As the other poster implied, you will sort of need to sort out geographically what you want to do, since you won’t be able to get to it all in 10 days.
Feel free to email me at crossedpaws10 at the G mail to chat more!
Job Prospect
I interviewed for two jobs early last week (Monday and Tuesday). I’m really excited about A, and would love to work there. I’m less excited about B. I got an offer from B on Monday. I sent an email telling A about the offer from B and making clear that they were my first choice. Haven’t heard anything back from A. I know it’s only been a couple of days, but I feel like they would have emailed back quickly if I was their top choice. I don’t think I’m looking for advice, just kinda bummed and don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about it.
CHL
First of all – congratulations on getting an offer! Even if it’s not your first choice, that’s huge! Lack of responsiveness can mean so many things, most likely that they are slow at decision making or the manager is on spring break or something. don’t lose heart! Also, secret option C might exist if A or B aren’t working.
Lorna
No advice, just commiseration. I’m in a comparable situation and I know how you feel, especially after investing so much time and energy in the process. It’s tough, especially after envisioning oneself working at the new job. Know you’re not alone, and at least one other person (me!) is in the same boat.
Photo book
Recommendations on a good company to make a high quality photo book? It will be just pictures, not a lot of text, and this was an important celebration so I’m happy to pay a bit more. I’m looking for something relatively easy, don’t want to spend a lot of time putting this together. Thanks!
Anon
I used Shutterfly for my wedding album and really liked it (I had previously used Artifact Uprising and the Shutterfly quality was much higher).
Sunflower
I saw an absolutely gorgeous photo book made by a company called Blurb.
Anon
I always used Shutterfly but recently used Mixbook because you get 50% off your first order. I was happy with it.
emeralds
I used Nations this past year, and really liked them.
Anokha
I’ve used Blurb for my albums (including my wedding albums), and been pretty impressed with the quality.
Senior Attorney
I’ve been happy using the “they design it” function at Shutterfly.
Abby
I used Artifact Uprising for our guestbook and 2 parent books for our wedding and loved them. The quality is great, layouts are simple. I wish they had a larger selection of different photo layouts, but that’s just me. I didn’t include any text, and I spent a few hours but because I am picky and wanted to make sure it looked like the book flowed. I think they have a discounts once every few months, I ordered both around Black Fridays.
Anon
Shutterfly is totally fine, but not the best option. If this is really special, I’d go with Artifact Uprising.
Walnut
I use Adoramapix for photo books and the quality is great.
The Original ...
Rant/thought… why don’t I have yenta* friends?! I’m mid-30s and in a place to be really open to a relationship, yet my friends are either married off with married friends or they’re forever single with forever single friends. Dating apps aren’t working as I’m in the midwest but have very liberal views and am super politically active, plus childfree and not open to dating someone with child(ren). Those for me are non-negotiables. I know, I know, maybe this means I’m setting myself up to be single forever… but I’d even be open to something that was long distance, if it was the right fit… why do I not have well-meaning yenta friends to set me up with their friend of a friend of a friend’s nephew like they do in the movies?!
*Am half-Jewish so this is actually a term for a person, not a disparaging term, no offense intended, just to make sure tone is clear!
Skipper
Two things: 1) Have you asked your friends to help you? and 2) Can they actually help you? I personally love fixing people up, but I’ve pretty much stopped because there’s such a lot of potential for things to go really wrong and because it can feel pretty intrusive to the fixees. If you’re really interested in this, I feel like you have to communicate it. It’s also worth mentioning that some people are just super hard to fix up. I have, at different points in my my life, had two different friends who were always hoping to be set up. One of them was and is wonderful but super weird and super choosy. I love her and wanted her to be happy but didn’t actually know anyone she’d be happy dating. The other was just… a terrible person to date. She had really unrealistic expectations and wasn’t great at communicating them. I didn’t feel like I was close enough to her to explain why I wouldn’t set her up.
Anon
I love setting people up and set up quite a few successful matches (one of which resulted in marriage) in my 20s. I haven’t set anyone up in years and the honest answer is that I know tons of smart, funny, gorgeous single women and all the single men I know are single for a reason. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth. And I know you know this, but just reaffirming (as a fellow Midwesterner) that the “no guys with kids” thing is really going to limit your dating pool with guys your own age. If you don’t want to be involved in raising kids, would you consider dating slightly older guys with grown children? People have kids so young here, that a lot of people become empty-nesters before 45. A child is obviously a lifelong commitment for the parents, but it’s very different when the kid isn’t living at home most of the year.
Equestrian attorney
So much this. The only single men I know are typically single for a reason. DH does have one friend who is smart and incredibly nice, with a good job and wants kids, but not very conventionally attractive TBH. I have struggled with setting him up because he’s a hard sell for my girlfriends at first glance, even though I think he could make a great husband and father to someone. If you are looking for a good-looking guy in his 30s who doesn’t have kids, your pool of non-psychopaths is pretty limited. But you can ask your friends honestly and see what they say.
Anonymous
Gently, you have narrowed your dating pool by quite a lot. Most people have kids, and lots of people want to have them if they are under a certain age and don’t have them already. Would you be willing to date someone with adult children? If you are open to dating someone who is at least in his mid-forties (or older) and the kids have already left the house that might widen the dating pool a bit. It also sounds like you are only willing to date people with the same political leanings as you. Any possibility for a James Carville – Mary Matalin situation? Sure, I get not wanting to date a human MAGA hat, but humans are more complex than a party’s political platform. What are the deal breakers exactly?
Upshot is, take a hard look at what is important to you and why. The number of child-free, single, 35 year old, die-hard liberals in Columbus might be 6. Try to look date people, not lists of tick boxes. And check out the guys under 5’8″ too.
Yup
I was just having this exact conversation with a friend at lunch today. She married for the first time at 40, to a man with a young daughter. She said that she didn’t want to limit herself to men with no kids because if you’re a guy who has never been married by their 40s, sometimes there is a very good reason for that. She is very happy and loves her stepdaughter, and the child’s mom has primary physical custody so the child is mostly not living with her. You are really limiting yourself at your age with the no kids rule.
Anon
There aren’t many men out there who want commitment but not children, and likely fewer of them in the Midwest.
Anonymous
Advice? I’m living a 1L property exam question.
I’ve inherited a house in one of those rough, Rust Belt towns that used to be working class when there were factories and now it’s just meth and opioids and horribly depressing. The town has no economy and the house is in horrible shape – it’s worth $20k, tops.
I was under contract to sell to a flipper, but he’s refused to close because of a hundred year old easement. The easement allows the owner of the neighboring landlocked parcel to cross the front of this property. The landlocked parcel has a crumbling four-bay garage on it and the garage hasn’t been used in the 15 years my relative lived there.
In a town like this, I’m very worried there won’t be another buyer – it was hard enough to get this one to begin with. The house is a wreck and no individual buyer could get a mortgage on it. I’m equally worried that this flipper will tell the other flippers in town about the easement and scare them all off. A local attorney and my agent say to sue for specific performance, but that feels beyond absurd, but I’m not sure what else to do. Legal fees would be $1,500, and I have no idea how the case would actually turn out. But there are no other buyers, so…
What would you do? Tell me there’s an option here I’m missing. Thanks.
Anonymous
In my 1L practice skills class the solution to this problem was to buy back the easement.
Anon
If he didn’t back out in a permissible way, you’re entitled to keep the deposit, right? For future sales, I think an easement would be something that you have to disclose if you’re aware of it, so I don’t see how him mentioning it to others is a problem.
Anon
+1 to keeping the escrow deposit
I’ve never heard of suing for specific performance to force someone to buy a piece of property. Is that actually a thing?
Anon
Why does suing for specific performance seem beyond absurd? If you have a good to great case, I think that’s your out. If it’s not a great case, I could see it tainting possible future transactions if you lose.
Cat
Who owns the land with the abandoned garage on it? Buy it and sell them both to the flipper?
anon
Would the all-in legal fees (assuming trial) really be just $1,500?
I would consider whether my alma mater (or another charity with a sophisticated development department) might accept the property as a gift.
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for the replies so far, all.
The buyer says they want their deposit back and my agent only said something vague like, “We’ll see. We still have to sign the contract termination.” So…I don’t know? From his remarks, I have no certainty that I get it back. The contract says something vague like, “returned according to the parties’ agreement.” I don’t trust my agent at all (he was recommended to me and it’s a small, poor town, so it’s not like there are multiple options). The attorney is out of the office every time I try to interact with him and speaks in really vague generalities when I can get ahold of him (ditto on there not being a lot of options). I guess I don’t know how viable a case it is or isn’t – I mean, is it a thing to sue someone to BUY a house? – at first he said I had a great case, that the contract was really clear, but he’s been hard to pin down as the buyer has missed more deadlines.
The attorney says to buy the land and sell it with the house. The agent says he wouldn’t touch the land with a ten foot pole because the garage is in such poor shape and we have no idea about asbestos, code violations/fines with the city, etc. I called the owner of the land and told him if he’d take the garage down (maybe he could sell the wood to those companies who sell reclaimed flooring? idk), I’d buy it from him, and he said he was very eager to sell but that he wasn’t interested in that much work. I don’t know who else he thinks is going to buy a landlocked parcel in a meth town if not whoever owns this (my) property, but when I’m so desperate to unload this property, buying more property in this awful place seems like a terribly risky move.
Good point about the easement being public. Thanks – no need to worry about that part anymore. I’ve only been to the house a couple times, but the dirt path is there for anyone to see and of course it’s in the courthouse.
Anonymous
Does the landlocked property have access to a public right of way or private road in some other manner (I’m guessing “no” since you describe it as “landlocked”)? If not, then unless you combine the two parcels under the same ownership and extinguish the easement, then the landlocked property is generally always going to have a right to an easement across your property (often referred to as an “easement by necessity”). Exceptions to every rule, of course, but something to keep in mind. And I don’t see why you couldn’t sue for specific performance? Isn’t land one of those “specific and unique” things that is one of the few case where you can sue for specific performance?
Explorette
If you know that Buyer is interested in both parcels, can you connect them with the other property owner so Buyer can directly purchase the parcel from the other owner without you being a middle man?
Specific performance, generally, is a remedy for when a seller defaults, not a buyer. Additionally, I’d be surprised that buyer is in default because the due diligence for a property should include the ability to review title and to back out if there are title objections. Not sure about the specifics of your contract, but some general real estate law thoughts.
Anon
Buy the other piece of land and sell them together.
That is your answer. You’re making this too complicated.
Donate?
If you just want to get rid of it, could you donate it? I inherited a piece of low value (under 50k) property in a town that “used to be working class when there were [coal mines] and now it’s just meth and opioids and horribly depressing,” and could not find a buyer, or at least one that could get financing or had enough cash to buy it. I live thousands of miles away, and was tired of worrying about it and paying property taxes. I donated via Helping Hands of America.
Online dating advice
Anyone on tinder seeing an uptick of super likes lately? I was off the app for a while and used to get them occasionally and now it’s so so many. Did something within tinder change?
NOLA
A friend of mine is hosting a big group baby shower for a couple colleagues who are both having girls this summer. The shower is on campus and during the day, so I could try to get there. I know one of the moms-to-be fairly well and I know her husband as well, and I’m knitting something for her (first baby and I’m excited for them), but it won’t be done by a week from today. The other one, I know only through my friends/colleagues and it’s her second baby. If I go, what should I take? Cards and gift cards? I don’t want to give away the surprise of the blanket I’m knitting or not have anything for the honoree I know a lot less. It’s sort of a work event, but not really. It’s not in anyone’s office and may include students. They’re just trying to do this before everyone leaves for the summer. I feel like this is too complicated and I should skip it.
Anon
“I feel like this is too complicated and I should skip it.” <– this :)
Especially since you're already knitting something for the mom you're friends with.
But skip only if you think the party will have a good showing. There's nothing sadder than being the recipient of a shower with no/few guests.
Anonymous
Go and contribute to the group gift for each, then give the blanket separately.
NOLA
I’m not sure that there is a group gift, but that’s a good idea. Will ask my friend.
DCR
I would go and bring each a small present – a book, a outfit, something like that.
If you don’t want to go because you don’t think it would be fun, I can understand that. But I don’t get that sense from your post. Don’t skip an event just because you are not sure what gift to give.
NOLA
Well, I actually have a conflict on my schedule, but I could work it out and go, so I was wondering if I should bother and if it would be awkward that I really only know one of them. But I found out from my friend that someone is collecting money for a group giftcard for each of them, so I attempted to contact that person. If I can’t contribute to the group gift, I will get a card and something little for each of them, and try to get there.
anon.
Hi NOLA! If you are there, fellow NOLA poster here. I suggest a gift card for $25 to Zuka baby if you can get there to buy it – I love that store and it’s local and they have tons of cute things.
NOLA
I hadn’t thought of that. I found a registry for one of them, but she lives in Mississippi and just teaches here, so I’m not sure a local store would be a good idea. Let me have a look, though! Thanks for the rec.
Anon for this
NYC ‘rettes…TIA
Husband received formal announcement that he is getting reappointed with tenure at his institution. I want to take him to a nice NYC restaurant to celebrate, just the two of us. No limit on price, Manhattan preferred, open to cuisines (except no Thai or Indian). Is Le Bernardin or Per Se still the place to go for this sort of thing? Is there a new, novel restaurant that’s all the rave?
Anon
Congrats to him! I hope to be in your shoes this time next spring. Those places are classics for sure. Another in the same vein is Eleven Madison Park. Le Bernardin is my favorite of the three.
NYCer
Le Bernadin would be my choice as well, but Per Se is definitely a classic too. You could also consider Eleven Madison Park, as the previous poster mentioned, or Jean Georges.
If you have any interest in doing a restaurant outside of the city, Blue Hill at Stone Barns in Tarrytown is also excellent.
The original Scarlett
Le Coucou is on my list for a special occasion place in NYC.
Anonymous
Hoping you wise ladies can help me think through something in my dating life. I’m not quite sure how to articulate this issue – how important is a person’s “energy” in a relationship? I’m seeing a very nice man who is very… even. He’s not particularly animated; I’ve never seen him excited or upset about anything. The few times that I’ve been animated while talking about something, I think he was a little put off. He said something like, wow you really feel strongly/are upset about that! I didn’t think I felt super strongly or was upset but I certainly get strident when talking about some things. I tend to date men who are similarly calm and even-tempered and it hasn’t worked out for various reasons. Among other things, I sometimes feel like he’s not that into me, and then I feel insecure, because he isn’t all that excitable. In fairness, I think this particular gentleman is pretty into me. What is your experience with this sort of thing? Do you think a couple usually has a more animated partner and a more quiet partner? Or do the energy levels need to be more closely matched?
NOLA
For me, this was about levels of passion with my partner, and I don’t mean passion about s3x, just passion about one’s life, career, beliefs, partner, etc. My ex-H was pretty bland about his career and didn’t really have hobbies, etc. He was passionate about politics and beliefs, though. I found that a spark was missing there and I found it in my next partner, who was at the same level of passion as I am about my career, things I enjoy, and passion for my partner. I feel like what you’re describing could be a real emotional incompatibility and I’d probably have a difficult time with it. Then again, it could just be the topic – I recently had a person on the dating site ask me about something that he didn’t know was my field/area of study. It’s not something I have a passing acquaintance with and I feel pretty passionately about what I like and don’t. I don’t think he was expecting that level of answer, but I did explain why.
Ducky36
Is he taking anti-depressants? Either way, I don’t think his energy should be interpreted as problematic. It’s nice to have a steady companion who doesn’t overreact to things. You will both get better at reading each other’s emotions in time.
Senior Attorney
My husband is much much MUCH more even-keeled and less demonstrative than I am. (See “you’re hilarious” in yesterday’s thread.) It works beautifully for us because he loves that I’m very animated and (let’s face it) loud, and I love that he’s more subdued and (let’s face it) dignified. And it’s not really an energy-level thing, because he can activity/chore/project me into the ground. If he were actually low energy, that would be a problem, I think.
anon
Some people get along just great with a partner who has the opposite energy level, but it doesn’t sounds like you’re one of those people. And that’s OK! It’s fine to want a partner who shows more emotion, and if it’s bugging you to the point of insecurity this early in the relationship, it may not be a match.
Anon
These were my thoughts, exactly. I think it entirely depends on the relationship and it sounds like this one isn’t a match. No need to feel bad about it, it just doesn’t fit.
Vicky Austin
My husband is like this too – not low-energy, just low-…emotion? Like yesterday I was irritated about something small, was doing the usual “And THEN they had the ABSOLUTE GALL to say SUCH AND SUCH! Can you BELIEVE” and talking with my hands and being very loud, and finally, “Don’t you ever feel like this?” And he shrugged and said, “I don’t think so.” It’s true! He literally just doesn’t get ruffled by 99% of things, whereas I am in a constant state of ruffle. And it confuses him that anyone can be so ruffled so often, and yes, sometimes he thinks I’m getting angry or yelling at him and it gets tense. So, yeah. Still figuring out how to balance that stuff. But you’re not the only one, and you can totally have an awesome relationship with this guy regardless if that’s what you want.
Anonymous
HA! “constant state of ruffle” – my husband and your husband would have lots to discuss ;)
Worry about yourself
You can be matched or balance each other out, it’s really a matter of preference I think. I never even really thought of it until about 3 years ago when I got dumped by someone I really liked because he felt I was too energetic and too excited about stuff, and he wanted someone more chill that he could relax around. I think I’d be really bored with someone who was very mellow and low energy.
Uwa
Here is another option for the plus size version of the dress above, recently marked down too! https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-bateau-neck-crepe-sheath-dress/5315475?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBrands%2FEliza%20J&fashionsize=2%3Aregular14w~~11&color=blue