Workwear Hall of Fame: ‘Minnie’ Travel Ballet Flat

89 Comments

1. Hm, these flats look kind of dated to me. Revas were so ubiquitous 7-8 years ago that I think the time has passed for the giant TB medallion look.

   When I know I’ll be on my feet a ton, I either just wear flats or a more comfortable heel to begin with rather than worrying about buying special “save my feet” foldable shoes. My tolerance for wearing uncomfortable shoes for any length of time has dropped precipitously, especially with the wide variety of cute sneakers for weekends and attractive flats or lower block heels for work. Maybe my calves won’t look quite as sculpted as they do in my 3-4″ heels, but…. eh?

   1. So dated. This was The Look when I was in law school, ’07-10.

   2. Same. I also don’t get what you’re supposed to do with your non foldable heels when you ‘switch’.
      I did recently buy a really comfy pair of flats from FitFlop of all brands, although they were huge and I had to size down a full size.

   3. I’m in i-banking in a big city in the northeast. 3 of my 4 female analysts (ages 25-31) are wearing these right now at their desks. Maybe not as out-of-style as we all think…

      1. I have actually just started seeing people wear them again! So maybe they’re back.

      2. I still wear mine. They’ve worn well (I’m actually on my second pair after resoling the first and then wearing that out) and are comfortable but slightly polished. I know they’re not trendy and may even be dated, but, eh, to each her own.

   4. One of my (male, fashion-oblivious) colleagues saw another colleague with TB flats on, and asked why she had Indiana Jones coins on her shoes. I have not been able to unsee that.

2. These Tory Burch flats (and any flats with a massive logo like this) are way out of style where I live (Toronto).

   1. Agree that TB flats are dated, but curious to hear what flats you’re wearing these days?

      1. Everlane loafers.

3. Ladies who habitually work out in the office gym:
   What are some tricks/tips you have for going regularly?
   Do you have a few workout outfits stashed in your cubicle?
   Any must-have items you’d recommend? (i.e. bluetooth headphones, dry shampoo, water bottle)

   1. I keep a gym bag at my desk with a set of gym shoes, flip flops and toiletries. I always have a set of clean gym clothes and undies in a plastic bag in there so I can go whenever the mood strikes me! I bring the dirty clothes home in the plastic bag and a fresh set back the next day. I found it helpful to have a few “go-to” quick HIIT workouts for the treadmill or whatever so I felt like I could make the most of a 20 – 30 minute workout. Learn what times your gym is crowded. I used the blowdry on cold to dry sweat from my hair but didn’t wash it. In terms of a tip for going regularly, set a bare minimum (I would say running a mile). Once I’m there I usually want to do more but it gets me through the door.

      1. Thank you for the advice. I’ve been trying to find a good balance between keeping extra clothes in my cubicle and bringing a fresh set in. Any recs for a gym bag?

         1. I just use a light weight tote from lesportsac

   2. I bring a backpack every day with the following in it:
      — gym sneakers, socks, sports bra, underwear, leggings, workout top
      — deodorant, day moisturizer, face sunscreen, ziploc baggie with basic makeup in it (mascara, tinted moisturizer, blush)
      — water bottle, bluetooth headphones, small container that I use to store jewelry

      I leave dry shampoo and body moisturizer (in case of dry legs) in a drawer at my desk.

      I used to forget things a lot, but now I have a habit of having certain things always in my backpack and it makes it a lot easier. I also bring my lunch a few times a week.

4. I am starting to daydream about transitioning out of the practice of law. This is not a burning desire, but maybe in the next five years or so. I have tried in house, am currently private practice. I’m successful, like my practice area and colleagues, but with no loans left and a decent nest egg, the idea of working a more 40-hr job and having more time for hobbies sounds really nice. I’m nearly 40, single, with extended family in the region. Anyone done this? I don’t have a specific industry I’m dreaming of – should I start thinking about what I want to do every day, or pick an industry first? Current role is mostly desktop advising on corporate policies – I have a highly regulated industry background so my practice is more general than people would guess.

5. Foldable flats are sooo uncomfortable to me and they don’t look good, either. Life is too short to wear shoes that you’re immediately planning to take off. Comfortable and attractive shoes are not easy to find, but I spend lots of time and money buying shoes so that I can wear them all evening. Plus, if you do use foldable flats don’t you still have to carry around the shoes you take off?

   1. Agreed, I never got this part of the equation…what do you do with the shoes you take off? These days if I know I need to be on my feet all day I wear shoes I know I can do that in – dressy flats or low heeled shoes. Yes, they’re a pain to hunt down but they do exist!

      1. Agreed. I don’t wear heels anymore for this reason.

   2. Agree. I just take a shoe bag with normal flats and put it with my coat/ jacket. I was at a wedding at the weekend and my heels were super comfortable, but I knew ceilidh dancing in them was a bad idea!

6. Standard Ferragamo Varas and Varinas aren’t foldable, FWIW.

7. In the last week, I’ve gone out with two different guys from online and I’ve had a good time, but then there isn’t any follow-up. We talked for 2+ hours and the conversations were great. He suggests ordering another drink, so it’s not like he was trying to get out of there. After the dates, I message them to thank them and say I had a great time. They respond saying the same, but they don’t continue the conversation, ask a question, or say they’d like to go out again.

   Is this normal? I can’t tell if they’re not interested or if they are waiting for me to suggest another date. It’s happened several times with guys I would go out with again. I thought my message after the date was enough to show my interest, but maybe it isn’t enough?

   1. I think it’s pretty common, yeah. And I think if you’ve messaged them to say you had a good time and they don’t suggest going out again, they’re probably not that interested. As for ordering a second drink, I don’t know for sure but some possible motivations I can think of 1) are hoping for casual gardening and 2) they like you but don’t feel a spark and are extending the date in the hopes a spark will develop.

   2. I was just on the other end of the same exchange: we went out, he messaged afterward to say he had a good time etc., I responded kindly, but neither of us has suggested another date. I assume he’s not that interested since he’s not asking, and actually I would decline if he did. He’s a nice guy and we’re both being polite. I’m sorry if this is disappointing!

      (For anyone keeping track, this is not the same guy who lied about his age and omitted his parenthood status! This one was perfectly fine, just not for me.)

   3. I echo the above posters. If you’ve reached out after the date with something pleasant but the conversation has since died, I think you have your answer. I have definitely gone on first dates and ordered a second drink to sort of give it a “full chance” even if I knew when I walked up that the chances were slim. Dating sucks.

   4. Thanks for the thoughts. I hate dating so much. I don’t even know if it’s worth it sometimes. It took so much work to even find two guys that I wanted to go out with who seemed normal, cute, smart, and could actually make a plan to meet.

      Bumble and OKC are like a sea of “chill vibes only,” “no drama” men who list their height again (in the profile section even though it’s already in the filters) and the fact that they like bourbon and steak as if that’s going to make me want to connect with them.

      1. Ugh, yes, commiseration dating is the worst and a tragic waste of time. I just got a good opener from a guy on okc – “Can I be your personal slave and cleaning lady?” Uhhhhhhhhhh…..

   5. Honestly, I tired of those games and just did the asking if I wanted to go out again. Sure it’s nice to have someone to ask you, but I was over the waiting and wondering thing and cut right to the point.

      1. +1 If you’re interested, send a text asking if they want to meet up again. If they say yes, great, if not, you’ve lost exactly nothing in asking.

   6. Definitely normal. Just keep meeting new guys.

   7. Yep, sadly, this is normal. So many guys who don’t have any idea how to engage in a conversation, or just disappear. I’m just moving on and letting it roll… I ran into a friend the other night who is using Bumble with a lot more success than I’m having with Match. Considering it, but it could just be her and her goals may be different.

      1. Match has always felt too wide open for my taste. I would at least try Bumble, it may or may not be your jam.

8. Anyone here that returned to live someplace that was only supposed to be a “stopover” in your career/journey? True east coast/northeast person — from Phila. area, did the decade in Manhattan, moved to DC where I’ve been for nearly 5 years. In the middle of all this there was a 1 year clerkship in a smaller/secondary southern market (not Charlotte, Raleigh or ATL). It’s been TEN years since said clerkship and I now find myself needing/wanting to switch jobs and thinking of going back to (or at least applying to) that market. I liked it when I lived there (albeit only 1 year) and that city has grown a lot since then; and I’m someone who is very comfortable in smaller cities — short commutes, lower COL to me are worth what you give up in terms of big city “excitement” (which isn’t all that exciting at nearly age 40). The one friend I mentioned it to acted like I said I’d move to Mars. Anyone done this?

   1. That sounds a lot like me – it was law school and not a clerkship.

      There was a lot of confusion and acting like I was moving to Mars from my friends in the Northeast. But if you read what Aerin said on today’s Money Snapshot blog, once a city is ‘big enough,’ it really has all the amenities of a big city. You don’t need to pay $2,000 a month in rent to be near the symphony.

      I caution you to look at the job opportunities for attorneys. You’re in markets wherein there are a lot of other jobs if you don’t like the one you have (or are laid off); the same is not true of smaller markets. Also, it can be a lot harder to make friends in smaller cities.

      1. Totally agree that there’s a threshold for a city being “big enough” and it’s pretty low. I moved from a major East Coast city to Indianapolis and people also acted like I was moving to Mars. But we have great theater, arts, sports, food and the lower cost of living means it’s much easier to take advantage of this stuff (as well as travel new places). I think the die-hard coasties are missing out!

   2. I’m from Philly, was in DC for years and now I’m back in Philly. If you’re looking to get out of DC/NYC, I’d recommend considering Philly again! Major city but very walkable

   3. This is a bit like me. From the northeast, did NYC, and a couple other global cities. Thought for a bit that I would end up in London… Now I am in a mid-sized sunbelt city that has grown a lot in the past 10-15 years… and I love it. Honestly, my friends and family said some pretty rude things to me at first. Random folks that I meet at weddings for my coastal elite family and friends still do. I give them a tight smile cuz I live in a nice house in a neighborhood I love, we have money to travel, I do work I enjoy, and I never have to shovel snow or spend an hour to drive five miles. Ignore the haters, life on Mars is great!

      1. As a former Northeasterner, this is why the Northeast is just as provincial as the rest of the country. An utter lack of sophistication that yes, other parts of the country exist, and they aren’t just filled with hayseeds and rednecks.

         1. Haha, yes! You nailed it. I was just trying to explain to my sister and her boyfriend that! There is a pattern of poo-pooing a place, while glossing over the fact that they have never even been there :)

9. Need product recs for extreme humidity! I have fine, wavy hair and a decent amount of it. Headed to the Kentucky Derby this weekend and it’s a 90% chance of rain.

   Also, if anyone is a Derby expert, can you tell me what Wicker Gardens is?

   1. Wicker Garden is a grandstand terrace at Churchill Downs. You can see the locationif you do a search for Derby Week Seating Chart.

      1. Are there certain tickets that get you access to the Wicker Garden or do you buy a ticket to the Wicker Garden?

   2. For hair, “skinny serum” is available in a lot of places (my SuperCuts has it; I’ve gotten from Ulta before) and keeps my similar hair mangeable in South Carolina in the summer.

      1. I grew up in coastal Georgia, I trust your recommendation!

   3. When I was in Nashville in August two summers ago (ridiculous humidity, daily afternoon downpours) and needed something to keep my curly hair from looking like a poodle got crosswise with a high-voltage line, my sister sent me off with a can of Tresemme hairspray and promised me it would work in high humidity. It’s the formula for weather (can’t remember the exact wording on the can.) It worked amazingly! You can find the stuff everywhere, and it’s cheap.

10. Similar question to the Anon above, but from the other side of things. I’ve recently been on dates with guys who were perfectly nice, but just no spark on my end. One such guy, who I went out with on Sunday, was nice but just nice – lots in common, but I just wasn’t feeling it until he kissed me. Without getting too much into the TMI details, it became extremely apparent that the gardening chemistry with this guy would be very very good. When he left, I was thinking about the potential of having him as a casual gardening partner, but nothing more, until he started texted me intense emotional messages about our connection and how he “cant remember the last time he felt this way” (to which my responses were attempting to keep things in the gardening realm), and then texted me good morning at 7am the next morning. At this point I feel completely turned off because the emotional stuff is too much too soon, and I don’t really see anything beyond pure gardening with this guy. We have a date set for tonight which I partially agreed to as a ‘give him another chance’ in the hopes that maybe this time I will feel a spark – but I know he is going to kiss me and feel so turned off by the whole thing that part of me just wants to cancel. Should I go and give him the change? Any thoughts?

    1. Abort mission! You gave him the chance on the last date, and you learned that he is emotionally attached and you are turned off by kissing him! No good can come of another date, IMO.

    2. So he’s nice, you had fun together, and you’re attracted to him. Why are you pushing him away?

       1. OP here – I was only attracted to him once we starting kissing etc. – I’ve been on dates with guys where the whole date I’m trying not to jump over the table, and this was not that case at all. I also have no interest in jumping headfirst into a relationship (I am only just starting dating now after a breakup that nearly destroyed me and with a person that I am still in love with). I would be open to one down the road if the right person shows up, but I can tell that he’s not that based on my response to everything besides the physical stuff, and the fact that my immediate response to him being forward about his feelings and texting me so frequently is to run away. With my past boyfriends, I was ecstatic when they reached out after our first date. Sort-of a “know myself, know what I want” thing.

          1. You agreed to this date. Put on your adult shoes and go. So rude to cancel last minute.

             1. This is true. It’s super rude.

          2. I don’t know you, but here’s my take on this:

             1. You’re still in love with someone else, despite the fact that the breakup nearly destroyed you. (First, hug.) Consider whether or not you should be dating now.

             2. Related to the above, this could be your mind’s way of protecting yourself in you found someone great, or it could be that this guy isn’t the right one for you. Are you in a good enough emotional space to know the difference?

             3. “I’ve been on dates with guys where the whole date I’m trying not to jump over the table, and this was not that case at all.” Yeabut, you can be in a great relationship with someone who makes you feel that way on Date #5 but not Date #1, or someone whom you really start to like after kissing but not before.

             4. When you hint around about the physical stuff, some men might think that you at least want to be emotionally involved first (because that is true of many, many women). If you’re only looking for something casual, you should be very open about that – and frankly, men who are only looking for something casual should also be open about that.

          3. Why are you even trying to date if you’re still in love with somebody else? It’s not going to work, and I know because I have definitely been in your shoes.

             1. Because that relationship ended over 6 months ago and I’m the kind of person who will love someone forever unless I meet someone who reveals to me why the previous person wasn’t the one. I’m still in love with him, but I’m at the point now where I want (and miss) gardening with someone new, and am open to casual dating to see where things go. Otherwise, I will just continue to stay in and pine and cry over the lost love who I am never getting back together with. I’m trying.

          4. “I am only just starting dating now after a breakup that nearly destroyed me and with a person that I am still in love with”

             Yikes. I hope you’re upfront with your potential suitors about this and looking for casual only, because you really could cause someone a world of pain trying to date when you’re still in love with someone else. Also, it’s not healthy place for you to be in when you start a relationship. From one emotionally unavailable person (me) to another (you), I can tell you that NO ONE will look like the right person when you’re this hung up on someone else. Good luck to you, OP. This is really hard. But I *urge* you to take the time you need to heal before jumping into dating.

       2. Because she’s not into it? I think that’s totally valid. Initially she felt physical interest only, but his behavior since then has depleted even that.

          I’ve also noticed that often, the guys who come on most strongly at the beginning suddenly evaporate when you start to reciprocate or even just get comfortable. Not to be too cynical, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy ghosted in a few weeks, after all these dramatic statements. She may well be sensing that he’s not trustworthy.

          1. If he’s not trustworthy, why does she want to jump into the sack with him?

             I don’t know if he sounds trustworthy, but she sounds like a real piece of work. The guy is nice, the date is okay, then there’s chemistry. Normal people know that’s when they likely found someone good and should go on a few more dates to explore, not turn the guy into a f-ckbuddy.

             1. But she says she’s not interested at all now, so that’s kaput. Over and out!

             2. Yikes let’s turn the judgment down

             3. Per myself and two other posters above, that’s likely because she’s still hung up on an ex, not because this particular man is not the right one for her.

    3. If nothing else, you need to tell him that the emotional attachment is too much, too soon. Jumping his bones (or even hinting that you want to) is completely counter to this message in his head at this point.

       1. [deleted]

    4. Kiss him at the start of the date and see if that changes how you view the evening. Maybe it will lead to you skipping the date and instead just going for it. Just use your words and tell him that you are interested in a casual fling with him to start and see where it goes.

    5. Maybe I’m crass, but if I was interested I would just hook up with the guy and see if the chemistry really was there. It doesn’t always correlate to looks. If you truly find him annoying and overly romantic yeah maybe skip, but if you’re on the fence you won’t know if it’s good until you try it. You can always tell him you got out of a relationship and want to keep it low key. Treating a guy casually also always seemed to work fine for me because people often mirror your behavior.

11. Hive: Give me your best recos for books to work on rekindling a dead/dying (from boredom) marriage. (Therapy is already underway–individual and couples.)

    1. I don’t have a rec, but brava on the therapy! We’ve brought our marriage back twice now, and it’s really good at the moment – 19 years in. Be honest, leave room for it to improve . . . wishing you all the best.

12. This is probably a stupid question (and also reveals how little money I make) but I am aiming to put a very large portion of my salary in retirement. I also have a bunch of other pre-tax deductions for childcare, healthcare, etc. No post-tax deductions. I assume the pre-tax deductions would reduce my tax burden, so if, say, after all my deductions my take-home pay was only $250, then I would just pay taxes on that small portion and take home, say $200 or whatever. But my most recent paycheck shows that after all the deductions, my take home pay is something like $250. And then it says my tax liability is $295, so I got $0 in my paycheck and a notice from my employer that I owe them money (!?). How can this be? I don’t understand how I can have a tax liability that is larger than my take home pay after deductions.

    1. You may be exceeding your yearly pre-tax deductions, especially if you deduct that much. It isn’t a very high number for childcare for example, so if you’re deducting something like $600/paycheck you could easily have hit your tax deductible limit for the year.

       1. I definitely haven’t hit my annual limits on anything yet. I made a huge increase to my retirement contributions this month, so possibly if they’re looking at it per paycheck then they think I’m over (eg., I put $1800 this month into one retirement account, which is over the $1583 average contribution that would get you to the annual limit – but I contributed a lot less the first three months of the year, so I’m really just catching up). I didn’t realize they would look at it on a monthly basis, I assumed as long as I hadn’t yet hit the annual limit than it would be fine.

          1. I don’t fully understand what’s going on with your paycheck or how you owe your employer money, but most employers/paycheck processing companies do look at it on a pro-rata basis. You might be able to correct some of the problem by talking to your payroll people.

          2. I’m not an accountant (IANAA?) but if you have contributed more to retirement this year than you could on a pro rata basis, you may be getting dinged. I think the thought process is that you could quit tomorrow and thus you would have exceeded the limit. If you overfunded in Q4, it would be different.

    2. It sounds like some of those deductions aren’t actually pre-tax deductions, they’re just deductions being made from your paycheck.

       1. They’re all listed as pre-tax deductions and should all be made pre-tax. I suspect the answer above about the monthly ratios is right. I’m not exceeding the annual limit but I’m putting more than the average monthly allowable amount into my retirement accounts.

    3. I’m not sure what is going on exactly, but going to take a guess from what you described:
       There are essentially 4 tax buckets for a normal W-2 employee: Federal Income Tax, State/Local Income Tax, Social Security Tax and FICA tax.
       Federal and state income taxes are calculated off of your TAXABLE income; however SSN and FICA taxes are calculated off of your GROSS income.
       Given the large amount taken out before tax (e.g. healthcare and the like), your taxable income is small, which brings down your federal and state income tax.
       However, the other taxes (SSN and FICA) don’t come down – at least not until SSN is maxed.
       My recommendation is to set up some time with payroll when they aren’t busy to tweak things so you don’t end up in this situation again. Payroll processing should have caught the issue but things do slip through. I would request to pay the differential back throughout the year, rather than a one-time deduction from your pay-check.

       1. Ohh I did not realize this. This makes sense and must be the explanation.

          1. Double check with your payroll department to make sure.
             It took me a while to figure out that SSN tax and FICA tax are calculated this way.
             Because I too was putting away a lot pre-tax.
             Good for you for making headway on retirement savings and putting away pre-tax dollars.
             Proud of you !

    4. You might owe the employer for your health insurance contribution. If it’s, for example, 30% of your net pay, which isn’t unheard of, especially if your take-home pay isn’t that high, but you have otherwise committed 75% of your net pay to other outlets (like 401(k) and pre-tax childcare), you might be in the red.

13. Similar to the poster this morning who posted about coding – I’d like to learn more about medicine.
    Background – have a background in Economics (including college math) and not much knowledge of the sciences, having mostly forgotten high school science. I am in middle management and happy in my career, would be doing this as a hobby and not for a career change.
    However, in my spare time, I’d like to learn more about the human body, maybe even sort of begin a premed/med school style curriculum on my own via online coursework or books. The purpose is just to learn, but also maybe down the road understand more about diseases, prevention, treatment, wellness etc. for my aging parents and my growing family (who will be seen by doctors of course). Any good books or resources to get started? I am even wondering if there is some EMT-style course that I could do.

    1. There’s an excellent MCAT podcast that you may enjoy. I believe if your First Aide certificate is up-to-date, you can proceed to get an additional more advanced first responder training and certification.

    2. Also check out Khan Academy, I think they had a good selection of premed and health related contents.

14. Yikes, I honestly think these are awful. Anything with a giant logo on it, really. For go-to foldables I have a few pairs of Tieks, which I love but sometimes they can fit weirdly. I just got a pair of pointed toe Rothy’s last week and I think they work for both professional and casual outfits. I wouldn’t risk trying to fold them though, they aren’t meant to.

15. DH got let go today and I am having trouble being kind and supportive. We made a BIG international move to a non-English speaking country with a 2-year-old and about 3 weeks notice because he HAD to take the job and not a different one that was ~20 min away from home and if we didn’t move, he would never be happy again. He has had some things that were just bad luck happen but also can be pretty abrasive/aggressive and thus has a polarizing effect on people he works with.

    He had been totally oblivious of the challenges of navigating life-admin in, and then looking for jobs in a country where I didn’t speak the language and therefore insensitive and condescending in his “support”. E.g ” You have to stop being so picky and apply to those jobs that you have less than 0 interest in. ” or “you have to be willing to take a 50% pay cut” (i took 20%, moving from VHCOL US to MCOL EU) Every challenge/issue I ever share with him just results in him competing on how much harder he has it eg Me: ” I feel really stuck in my job here. I miss that we are no longer in a mature market with tons of companies for my industry. I regret moving”, Him: ” I regret it too. I’m even more stuck than you are and there is nothing for my interest. I wonder why I always end up in bad situations like this. I would have had even more options had we stayed there, so it isn’t like things are good for me”

    In every job he has held in the last 10 years, the day he quit/was asked to leave (2 of each) was pretty much his last day there. We work in similar industries and while he is more senior (older+ we prioritized his career over mine), the idea of companies using no transition-period is pretty shocking to me.

    At this point, I am being good with the practical stuff (severance, legal, etc) but just have no capacity for kindness.
    On top of all this, he is going to be home during his notice period and am already dreading the neediness and the constant pressure on me to drop everything and come home early to be with him.

    How do I handle this?

    1. I am so sorry for you. Put your well being and that of your 3 year old first. Make sure you take some time to think about next steps and what is best for everyone. Take some time for yourself (sans child, bonus if kiddo gets to do something physical and active with DH, good for them both) so that you can make good decisions without the stress.

    2. I would not be kind in your shoes. If my DH just “had” to take a job in a different city (let alone a different continent, in a place where I don’t speak the language!), when he had an equivalent job option 20 minutes from home, we’d be in counseling, and then we’d be divorced if we couldn’t resolve our differences there. My career, and my happiness and my kid’s happiness matters too – it’s not ok for him to put his interests above those of everybody else in the family. Telling you he’ll “never be happy again” if he doesn’t take this job is absurd and sounds emotionally manipulative.

       1. What she said.

          1. Agreed. Manipulative and narcissistic. I’d have a very hard time being kind and/or sympathetic in your position.

       2. I’m sure at the time there were reasons to think that everyone might be happier in Europe–that the sacrifices would be worth it. There was always a risk it wouldn’t work out. But it didn’t work out because he can’t keep a job, which is frustrating, and he acted like the many sacrifices were no big deal, which is enraging.

    3. Wow, this really sucks. I married someone who can be similarly challenging. I think what could work is faking some sympathy and trying really hard to impart it upon him how much your child needs him. My husband can be very obtuse and rude (and selfish and blind to the challenges he puts us all through), but when it comes to well-formulated arguments about the wellbeing of his kid, he is all ears. Is the kid’s daycare part of DH’s company? This can be part of your argument. Regardless, I think you should argue that he needs to focus on the child while you both look for jobs back home. I’ll also mention that in retrospect, and with discussion, my husband does acknowledge and understand the giant burden that he’s been to me at certain points in our lives. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really help him make better decisions in the future. He was never diagnosed, but I’m guessing my DH is a touch on the spectrum. This also makes him a sweet, focused person when it comes to our day-to-day lives who is ridiculously grateful to have a kid.

    4. Sounds like my ex, who exhibited many characteristics of sociopathy. You can’t change ’em. Therapy won’t change ’em. There are no medications for it. They’re always going to be like that. He couldn’t hold a job; we moved because it would “solve” everything. It didn’t, of course. The common factor is HIM. I’d leave him if I were you.

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