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Coffee Break: Legacy Studded Large Envelope Satchel

Botkier Legacy Studded Large Envelope Satchel Bag | CorporetteBotkier is one of my favorite brands, and I love the subdued hot pink color to this large satchel. At 12.5″ x 19″ x 5″, it's big enough for most file folders as well as a ton of other stuff. It's also available in a caramel brown and a lovely gray for $320 at Last Call. Botkier Legacy Studded Large Envelope Satchel

Sales of note for 12.5

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156 Comments

  1. My fiance and I just moved in together and I’m starting to feel really homesick. I have lived at home until now and really miss my family and cat. Is this normal? I know it’s going to take some time to adjust but I can’t help but feel a bit sad at what is supposed to be a happy moment

    1. Asking sincerely, not with snark: How old are you? Have you never lived with roommates or by yourself before?

      ETA: Why does my comment require moderation???

    2. Totally normal, transitions are always hard! This is going to sound ridiculous, but consider getting a new cat. Seriously… when I moved away, getting a pet made me feel a million times better. My new place didn’t feel like home until I had a cat.

    3. Leaving home is recognized as a major grief-triggering event. Giving yourself permission to grieve the loss of your family home is healthy and should occur alongside, rather than instead of, your joy for your new situation. Please read up on healthy grieving if you aren’t already familiar.

    4. Get a new cat! I never felt like any of my places I lived were my “home” until I got pets.

    5. Everyone always talks about the exceitement of moving in together and the frustrations of newly living together, but no one ever really talks about how sad and lonely it can be sometimes. This is probably because it’s counterintuitive and no one ever talks about it. But like Unicorn said, you will grieve the loss of your old life, which, in your case, is moving away from your family and pet.

      It sounds like you grew up in a loving, animal-friendly home. Of course you would be sad to leave it! There is nothing wrong about feeling sad, and feeling said won’t taint your happy moments living with your fiance and preparing to marry him. Just tell him how you feel and suggest that you guys spend a little extra time visitng with your family. Let him know that this sadness will pass, but unti it does, you would like the two of you to spend a little extra time visitng with your family. You can also set up a standing dinner date with your family at your new place or theirs once a week.

      As for the decision to get a new cat, you should first grieve the loss of your other cat. She hasn’t passed away, but you still suffered a loss. Once you’re ready, get another cat. Life is better with cats. :)

    6. Did you move into your fiance’s place? It can also be a bit harder when you’re not surrounded by “your stuff.” When I moved in with my fiance I set up a room in “his” house where I could have my furniture, books, and alone time for a few months until his house started to feel like our house.

  2. My boss has been out on maternity leave, so our team has picked up a lot of projects that she was overseeing, but were essentially ours. I found a mistake that I made earlier and then took steps to correct it (it was an oversight that had the potential to cause a lot more damage than it did). Do I mention this to anyone? Does it make me look better that I found and fixed the mistake or should I sort of pretend it never happened? TIA!

    1. If it’s something you can fix and the change will go unnoticed, quietly make the change. If it’s an error that changes some other output/data people have been working from, then highlight it so they know their data has changed.

      Personally, I expect my direct reports to catch and fix mistakes. No brownie points for fixing a mistake that shouldn’t have been there to begin with.

  3. If anyone wants to see Sandra Day O’Connor speak in Concord, NH tomorrow, my firm has an extra ticket, maybe two. Post an email and I will be in touch.

    2. I’m on the other side of the country from NH, but wanted to say I think it’s so nice of you to offer to share with internet strangers!

  4. Shopping challenge: I’m looking for high-waisted skirts, probably size 6 (Banana sizing). I just bought the Banana leopard print skirt someone on thiss!te recommended last week and I’m very happy with it (except for the dry clean only part). Any recs for other places to look for high waisted pencil skirts? I’d prefer sub-$100 but might go up to $150. TIA!

    1. J.Crew telegraph pencil skirt. They are made of suiting wool, though… so you will have to dry clean.

    2. I really like the Boden pencil skirts. Probably closer to the $100 range but they often have sales. I think the one I have that is high waisted is called the Notredame skirt. It’s high waisted, very s**y secretary.

    3. I have that leopard print one too. That type of skirt is a staple in my wardrobe. I’ve found great ones at Ann Taylor and WHBM. Not sure what they have available right now.

  5. BF and I recently moved in together. I’ve been passingly aware for about a month that a rather large portion of his group of friends is unhappy that BF has spent less time with them since BF and I started dating. Fwiw, BF and I spend every weekend doing something with his friends, at the exclusion of doing “my” stuff, which is a whole ‘nother issue. In any event, BF had been aware of the issue for a while but didn’t think it would get back to me. I asked him to address it once I heard about it, but he didn’t.

    Last weekend, a group of his friends were extraordinarily and drunkenly rude to me at a house party because I’ve taken their friend away. BF just kind of watched and meekly said, stop guys. I got a cab home and BF stayed with them. He said he told some (not all) of them that he’s with me and they need to accept that, but he did not address their unacceptable conduct. To make matters worse, everyone is now calling me “dramatic” because I left rather than stay and allow the situation to further spiral out of control.

    I really don’t know how to feel other than to just be hurt. I’m hurt that BF isn’t sticking up for me the way I think he should. He’s pretty conflict avoidant so I recognize that there’s a big different between how I would handle the situation and how I can expect him to handle the situation, but doing nothing about it really is unacceptable to me. At this point I have zero interest in ever seeing these people again, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to take that position either because they’re such close friends with BF. I’m also frustrated that everyone seems to be pointing fingers at me but, again, BF doesn’t correct them. What is reasonable to expect of BF? What should I do about the DOOSHY friends? TIA.

    1. Is he in his 20s? This seems pretty typical (although still not great/acceptable) for a younger guy. I feel like once they hit 30, there’s a move towards spending more time with significant others. This is a roundabout way of saying that I’d be more worried about this if he were in his 30s than in his 20s. That being said, the fact that he doesn’t stand up for you is a huge red flag at any age.

        1. This sounds obnoxious and I’m annoyed at the people involved on your behalf.
          I don’t really have any advice other than stop hanging out with them if you don’t want to hang out with them. You live with BF so presumably see him quite a bit – just have him go hang out with his friends without you, do something you enjoy, and maybe everyone will be a little happier.

        2. Yeah…kind of time for him (and his friends) to grow the f up. It’s not always going to be just “the guys.”

    2. He sounds young. You can stick around until he grows up with you being the one to show him how, or you can break up with him.

      I chose the latter–he was otherwise a nice, lovely, great person, but I didn’t have the patience for him to catch up.

      Oh, and do stuff you want to do.

      1. This. I was dating a guy who was closing in on 40 where this was an issue. Are his friends coupled-up? I can see this being a bigger issue if he is the only one with a girlfriend.

        For right now, can you decline his activities and let him go by himself? Then you can have some time to do what you want to do.

        1. It’s a pretty even split between couples and singles, but all of the SOs have been part of the group for a very long time. I’m the only newer SO or “outsider.”

          I’m definitely going to decline activities for a while. He’s always wanted me to come with him (“My friends will be your friends!”) so I have, but I think that’s going to change moving forward.

          To address a related comment – I’d always thought it was OK to go out with the group because it’s not like they were having a guys’ night, couples come too. But in retrospect maybe I should think of it like “in-group” night is the same as “guys'” night.

          1. This kind of cliquey behavior in adults is completely obnoxious.

            +1 to doing your own thing on weekends, not because you need to give BF’s friends space, but because you don’t enjoy their company and you shouldn’t waste your free time with people you don’t like. I feel obligated to hang out with DH’s friends occasionally, and they’re all perfectly nice people, but given the choice I’d rather hang out with MY friends (or stay home and do my own thing, because I’m an introvert). It took me a lot of years to learn this, but it’s really important not to lose yourself when you’re in a relationship. Think about what makes you happy, and do that at least 75% of the time. You’re still you, not just half of a couple!

          2. My ex had friends like that. If you’re not in too deep, I’d reconsider the relationship. Having really immature friends made my ex really immature in his thinking (he was also close to 40). It also got really draining trying to be nice to people who just didn’t try that hard to be nice to me. I ended the relationship for a lot of other reasons, but this was a factor and now that it’s not present in my current relationship, I’m much happier.

    3. The issue might be that they don’t want to hang out with you guys, they just want to hang out with your bf. Yes, you should go hang out sometimes, but bf should also be free to hang out with his friends without you. This doesn’t excuse their rudeness (or your storming away, frankly) but assuming you don’t want to break up with him and will have to make the best of a bad situation…you should, especially if it’s just a group of guys, make sure bf spends his own time with them.

      1. +a million

        My group of girlfriends has a similar issue with one of our friends and her boyfriend because she only ever wants to hang out with him and always brings him to girls’ brunches/gossip nights. We like him just fine but to be honest, we stopped inviting her because it would never be just her. You really don’t want that to happen to your bf.

        I kinda get his friends’ reactions actually (although they acted like jerks) because they rarely see just their friend because of your work schedule.

    4. Why do you and BF have to spend time with his friends together? If you two spend every other weekend doing things with BF’s group, and you don’t like them, then don’t hang out with them. use that time alone for you to catch up with your friends or run your errands or things you want to do but BF doesn’t. If BF wants you to suffer in those guys’ company, compromise to once a month or less.

      That being said, how old are BF’s friends? This sort of petty behavior from them is immature, especially if you all are at least into your 20s. Other than you taking away BF from his friends, are there any other reasons why they dislike you?

      If you and BF are a long term thing, his friends will just have to grow up and live with the fact that you’re part of his life, and as people get older, significant others take higher priority than friends.

      1. BF and I pretty jealously guard weekend time because it’s the only time that we have together due to our (my) work schedules. During the week, I give him a kiss when we go to bed and when he gets up in the morning and that’s about the extent of our interaction. I’m all about him going out with friends during the week, but he’s generally tired from work and doesn’t want to. He and I are on the same page about how we spend our time, but his friends all seem to think it’s all my fault because he’s not communicating to them that it’s as much (maybe more, due to weekday stuff) his decision as mine.

        1. You say you “jealously guard” your time together. This doesn’t make sense if your time together is really time with his friends. My SO and I like to spend the weekends with each other almost exclusively because we don’t get alone time during the week. It sounds like you never have alone time with him. I think this is a bigger red flag.

      2. Can BF go to happy hour alone during the week without his guy friends? Then you wouldn’t feel as much pressure on the weekends.

    5. I have to admit my SO and his friend group always had this sort of complaint about the girlfriend / now wife of one of their friends. I think she is lovely and she is great when we are hanging out as a big group but the issue that they always complained abt was that she always joins even when it’s supposed to be “guys night” or she just doesn’t let him go. Her DH does stick up for her though and tells my SO and friends that they are being DOOSHES when they are out of line (which I admire about him).

    6. I’m sorry that really sucks. What kind of guy lets anyone, let alone people with whom he has a raport, disrespect his girlfriend to his face? Your dude sounds meek. When he lets his friends be rude to you, they’re not just insulting you, but your bf as well. If he doesn’t see that, he sounds like an insecure loser.

      1. I wouldn’t completely stay away. If you are with BF, then you have to be friends with his friends. Or at least friends with the girlfriends of his friends. Or friends with some of his friends (not the DOOSHy ones). I’m not minimizing how difficult this all is, but somehow, you have to find a way to join the group. You don’t want them to peg you as “that girlfriend that none of us like”. Also-they are his friends. They love him and you love him, so somehow, you gotta work it out. I’ll probably get flamed for this advice, but you know, I’m old so I try to look at things from the long term perspective (even though this sucks in the short term).

    7. It doesn’t matter what is reasonable to expect of BF. He’s already demonstrated to you how he handles this type of issue. It is what it is/he is who he is so all that matters is what you are willing to put up with. Either you’re willing to live with his friends behavior/his response or you’re not. Either choice is reasonable, but it’s really up to you.

    8. Three things: Since this group is older and has couples too, they’re actions are really out of line. I don’t think not hanging out with them ever will do you any good if you and your BF plan to stay together for the long term. I’d limit your interactions to once or twice a month and times that are geared more towards couples (rather than a rager for the guys). This allows you to do your own thing/ not worry about his rude friends most of the time while still attempting to foster a positive relationship.

      It sounds like your BF doesn’t put forth the same effort for your friends that you do for his. If that’s true, I think you need to have a talk with him and request that you all hang out with your friends at least once per month as well. I’d aim for 1-2 times with his friends, 1-2 times with your friends, and doing your own thing the other times either of you have friend obligations.

      Your BF’s behavior is does kind of throw a red flag. I don’t think I’d feel very good about my relationship if my boyfriend let his friends talk to me like that and then let me leave alone. That makes it seem like he might side more with his friends and maybe doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship. You may want to explore this more.

      1. Yes, x1000, to your last paragraph. OP, your BF is making it clear that if you are unhappy, and you leave the situation, he’s okay with that. Even if he isn’t good with navigating conflicts, there are a dozen different ways to handle this that doesn’t leave you feeling abandoned.

  6. I’m moving to a colder climate and am starting to wear leggings more often. Any ideas about what shirts to wear with them? I am pretty tall (5’10 or 5’11) and am in my early 20s. Thanks!

    1. Shirts that completely cover your behind when you sit/reach your arms up/bend over.

      1. Oh good god, shut it.

        You should wear longer shirts to your comfort level, but you don’t have to check if they cover your behind when you raise your arms over your head or sit. Assuming the leggings are the thick variety, a shirt that covers your behind when you are standing is fine.

        1. And you know what they say when you assume…

          Some leggings are pants and some leggings are a shade above tights. Reminding people to make sure I don’t know the intimate details of their chosen underwear, doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.

      4. Ok. Whenever someone posts about “OMG I saw the girl with the shortest skirt in the elevator today!!,” we say, so? How does that affect you?

        Same goes for leggings. Don’t like em? Don’t wear em. But consider taking off your judgy pants.

        1. Just make sure you’re wearing a long-ish top so that when you take off your judgy pants, you aren’t flashing us your undergarments.

          Zing!

        2. The key difference here being OP posted specifically asking for people’s opinions.

        3. Yes, enough. Some people have cute butts they like to show off in leggings. SOme people have not-so-cute butts and don’t give a sh*t if other people can see them and they like tight pants and wear them anyway.

          As long as the leggings are not tights, hose, or in any way sheer, SHUT UP. What you are talking about is a dress or tunic, not a shirt, which is what the OP asked about.

          Sorry you feel the need to cover your butt when you’re in tight pants, Orangerie. Not all of us have that hang-up.

          1. Lol, what on earth?

            1- if you scroll down OP posts that she is uncomfortable wearing leggings with shorter skirts, so I guess you’re saying she has a body hang-up?

            2- my butt is great, no hang-ups here. I don’t cover it at all when I wear skinny jeans or other tight-fitting bottoms, but thanks for your concern.

          2. +1. I work hard for my cute butt, and I’ll show it off in (nonsheer) leggings if I want to.

    2. I am your height and also wear leggings. I *try* to wear shirts that cover all of my butt. While I don’t want to get into the leggings debate, I will just mention that you will want make sure all of your, uh, front is covered by a shirt. I have had some luck with the tunics section of M@dcloth:

      These come in lots of colors and dress up or down well: http://www.modcloth.com/shop/blouses/pam-breeze-ly-tunic-in-black

      These are a long t-shirt, but not baggy around the hips so it doesn’t look sloppy. I wear with a moto jacket over them for weekends. http://www.modcloth.com/shop/basic-tops/simplicity-on-a-saturday-tunic-in-grey

    3. OP: If your leggings are fairly thick and don’t show toe or anything, I think they’d work well with oversized sweaters or long cardigans with longer tees and a scarf. I guess I’m not terribly modest because I don’t care too much about length as long as my top hits my hips/ covers half my bum. I do usually wear thicker leggings or just fitted ponte pants so I don’t feel like I’m being too revealing. Generally if something is tight/revealing on the bottom, you should overcompensate on the top half.

    5. I posted and it went into moderation. I am your height and have had luck with tunics from M0dcloth. Look for Pam Breeze-ly Tunic and Simply on a Saturday tunic.

    6. I like the brand Lole for longer shirts/tunics to wear with leggings. I have had good luck getting stuff from Zappos and occasionally REI.

        1. Unfortunately the one that I bought, tried, and then bought in 2 more colors is no longer there, but it’s more wintery, so perhaps as more cold weather clothes come in, it will be back.

    7. I’m 6′ tall and struggle with this question as well. I’ve found some tall boyfriend cardigans that are long enough to cover my bum (and front) at Old Navy or JC Penney.

    8. Thanks all! I’m uncomfortable wearing leggings with shorter shirts but have had difficulty finding tops long enough – thanks for the brand recs!

  7. Has anyone dealt with depression and a really demanding career? How do you manage getting personal time and down time? I’ve never taken drugs – have managed well through therapy and exercise – and would like to continue that way.

    However, work has intensified lately and I don’t know how to manage. And I don’t even have kids yet. I don’t want to let my colleagues down.

    1. Yes…I found in biglaw that my depression was directly correlated to how much I work, so more work really exacerbated it. I too have never been to therapy. A few tips:

      1) Find a work friend where you can “decompress” in the safety of his or her office, or downstairs for a coffee run, or for a quick walk around the block. You need a safe getaway space, even when things are crazy.
      2) Take some time for you, even when work is crazy. That means that sometimes you might have to take a half hour away from your desk/phone to have dinner, or go outside the building
      3) Try your very best to set aside a teensy bit of time each week (say, Friday night or Sunday morning) in order to just have decompressed “me” time.
      4) Look at delegating some of your work. If you have lower priorities clients/cases/deals or lower level work, find a junior associate, paralegal, assistant–whatever’s appropriate–and make sure to get some stuff off your plate.
      5) Don’t be a martyr. Look ahead and book some vacation time. It doesn’t have to be a long vacation. Tack a day onto Thanksgiving or make sure that you have your days booked for the holidays. Just having something scheduled and on the calendar can make me feel better.
      6) Think about what is making you unhappy. Is it the hours, or the work? This is very important. If it’s certain clients, work on getting off those clients/deals/cases. If it’s the work altogether, think about whether you’d like the work if you weren’t so stressed with so much of it. If you think that it’s toxic nature of biglaw, consider making a plan–you don’t need to leave biglaw in the next week, but think of making a 1-year or 2-year plan to gut it out (taking good time for yourself when you can) and then working hard to network to get the heck out of there once your “due date” arrives. No shame in going in house and having more time to be yourself and have a non-work sense of self.

      Chin up, buttercup! You do need to snatch the moments you have, even if you’re exhausted.

      1. Lots of good advice here, but I did just want to flag that “depression” and being “unhappy” are not the same thing.

      2. I specifically like the advice of look for things you can delegate. Whether it’s work stuff or life stuff. Delegating the life stuff that gives you anxiety can really help as well.

    2. Wish I had words of wisdom here…but all I can say is you’re not alone. If you figure it out, let us all know – and good luck!

      1. Ditto. Good luck! I used therapy and meds and eventually fled to a low-stress 40/hour a week government job.

    3. therapy & meds. Make the time for both (in that you do CBT & also manage your meds aggressively). Biglaw/intense careers will not make this disease easier. Good luck.

    4. Go get the drugs. I have had a demanding, long hours job for the last two years, and realized over the summer that I was never going to get enough sleep or exercise to stave off the depression. My depression is mainly caused by having to get up really early and the accompanying lack of sleep (I turn the light out by 10 every night), but I realized that I had many, many of the clinical symptoms and life was just not enjoyable as I felt like I simply could not cope with things. Got prozac from my primary care doctor, and it has made a HUGE difference.

      1. One more comment in favor of medication: I felt for a long time that needing it meant I wasn’t good enough for my job, since I apparently couldn’t handle it all on my own. Eventually my brain felt like it was made of swiss cheese and I started to be bad at my job (by my estimation) and I realized that if I didn’t at least try the meds my continued poor performance would mean I was in actuality not good enough for my job.

    5. Get the drugs. BigLaw means you don’t have down time many days. They’re paying you to buy all your time.

    6. Stick with the therapy and keep up the exercise. Anon at 3:45pm has hit most of the points I would have given you anyway. I’m not in BigLaw but have dealt with this, also pretty common in science careers. Like you I chose not to take medication and luckily I was able to get through a very very rough patch. That said if you think medication might help go for it. However, you need to figure out what it is about the job that is most stressing for you. Contrary to others’ advice I think you do need down time so if that means switching to something else e.g. in-house as some have suggested, have that at the back of your mind and work towards it.It may not happen as quickly as you need it to but one day you’ll get there. I also recommend keeping a journal, reading through some of my past entries made me recognize just how unhappy I was and I was also able to connect the dots to some of the triggers. No job is worth sacrificing your mental health for, no matter how much money you make.

    7. I just want to offer commiserations. I have gone through therapy before for depression without medication. I have managed it well after therapy. However, I did notice depression signs last month after intense work for three straight months without any idea when it would end. I did two things:

      1. I forced myself to take two weekend trips even when the I felt the urge to cancel the trips and work through the weekend. It gave me some time to breathe and take my mind off the work.

      2. I completed the work last Friday and immediately felt so much better over the weekend. Today a senior person assigned the next part of the work I did to some other person in the team. He recognized the effort that I had put in and he said he wanted me to slow down and recharge. I almost said I was not tired and I was ready to take up the next assignment that he was asking some other person to do. But I caught myself before that and acknowledged that I needed some down time.

      1. I’ve been there, oh man. Amazing how BigLaw and depression ravenously feed each other. Several tips:

        -Calendar an hour to do something you want to do at least a few times a week.
        -Get your vitamin D levels checked immediately– for some women, low vitamin D can cause depression, malaise, fatigue, fuzzy thinking, etc.
        -Be intentional about your sleep deprivation– even if you’re binge sleeping once or twice a week, that’s better than never catching up.
        -Consider taking up meditation, prayer, or some other spiritual activity. Doesn’t take long to meditate or pray, but can make a huge difference in your wellbeing.
        -Try to surround yourself with little things that make you happy– for me it is scented candles and Spotify playlists while I work.

    8. My depression is triggered by stress, so in an especially stressful time I’d need to use all the tools, including medication, even if I don’t when less stressed.

  8. DH and I want to go to Costa Rica sometime this year (probably March or April). We’ll have our then-nine-month baby with us and will be there for 8 nights. I’m looking for recommendations of where to go/stay. We’re flying into Liberia.

    Of absolute importance is a beach (20-30 min drive max), preferably a beach at which one can surf. A hotel with a nice pool would be a plus. Because it’s a long time, we’d also like a town or other attractions to explore. Anyone have any tips for all that, with a baby?

    Thanks in advance!

    2. Tamarindo is a beautiful surf town in Costa Rica with great food and little surf shops. We didn’t stay in that town, however, so I can’t speak to hotels there. I loved Costa Rica!

      1. I’ve been to CR twice — went to Tamarindo the first time and drove through the second. Not sure when you were last there, Hollis Doyle, but it’s gotten to be very touristy and no longer the awesome little surf town it once was :(

    3. You might look for somewhere with a nearby hospital. My SIL got married in Nosara a few years ago (which is beautiful, lots of fun and has great surfing), and we did not bring our kids because the nearest hospital was an hour away (at 35 mph on very bumpy roads).

    4. Playa Cielo in Santa Teresa. Heavenly. And you can surf there (if you are somewhat advanced–not for beginners).

  9. For no real reason today (but I guess really for a lot of little reasons), I feel like I’m freaking out. Nothing in life seems stable. My grandparents are aging and won’t be able to live on their own soon. Thinking about this happening to my parents is so scary.

    Marriages fail, people die, jobs are not stable, friends move away… when I really think about it, I feel scared about the future. Yet I have a loving family and thankfully, everyone is healthy right now.

    Maybe I’m feeling this because I’m in my mid-30s and not married or in a relationship, so as people are making bigger decisions and turning inward a bit toward their own lives, it’s making itself felt… I’m not really sure.

    How do you stay positive and not let these kinds of thoughts consume you?*

    *and yes, I have already made an appointment with a therapist!

    1. Personally, I got a prescription for low-dose Lexapro. It made a world of difference in helping me manage my irrational anxiety, particularly concerning things I could not change (which it sounds like much of your anxiety is based in – aging, people moving away, etc.). I was able to manage it with exercise for many years but I hit a point (when I started taking on all the typical “adult responsibilities”) when it was no longer enough.

      1. I should have mentioned that I’m already on a low (25 mg) dose of sertraline. I’m way worse than this when I’m off it. Maybe I need to increase my dosage.

    2. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way. One of the things I have been doing is trying not to put off stuff, if you want to do something, now is the time. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

      1. Thanks for posting. I feel better when I talk to friends or family, but when I’m alone at my desk for hours, these thoughts can spiral out of control. Sounds like you have a good attitude about making the most of every moment.

    3. You’re in your mid-30s and still have living grandparents – and a loving, generally healthy family. That’s amazing and wonderful! Nothing is stable, but you can still cherish the good you have right now. Lots of us would love to have that. And on a practical note: meditation/mindfulness practice might help. I’d try that as well as therapy (it’s free and totally flexible to your schedule, so it can’t hurt to try).

      1. You are right. I’ve never done meditation, but it can’t hurt. Thanks for the perspective and the kind words!

    5. Hug’s to the OP!!! Yes life is dificult at times, but please do NOT do anything rash, b/c things alway’s get better. It is good that you are seeing a thereapist, but the best thereapy you can get is self help with the help of family and freind’s. Just look at life as half full, not half empty. While we can all have better job’s, better boyfreind’s or husband’s or even better clotheing allowances, just think how much better we have it here in the USA then those poor schlub’s in Africa with ebolla or worse yet, the peeople in Ukraeaine where the Russian’s are bombing them. Dad said it would not be that way if he were in charge, but of course, he is onley a PhD, not a milietary guy any more. So all I am saying is to get as many hug’s as you can, both from us corporete’s and from your own real family and freind’s and recognise that thing’s WILL get better. YAY!!!!!!!

    6. I am feeling this way quite a bit lately, as well. I’m also in my 30s, single, with no children. I also have living grandparents and parents, and am thankful for them, but I find that I am terrified about losing them and at the same time for some reason feel like I withdraw from my family because I feel (wrongly, I think) that spending time with them is just masking my main problem of feeling lonely in my lack of a romantic relationship. In fact, when I spend more time with them, I feel like my feelings of sadness and disappointment about my romantic life actually intensify greatly, even though no one in my family is the type to be pressuring me about being single. I do feel at a loss about, and frustrated about, the future, in so many ways.

      That’s all to say that you are definitely not alone.

      1. Hey, even those of us with husbands and kids who care about those poore schlubbs in Afreeka (thanks, Ellen!) also suffer from existential angst sometimes. Humor helps. So does preparing. And distraction — I guess I mean, focusing in the now, and enjoying the moment, even some of the sucky ones (like working too hard – do you at least like your clients? your co-workers? your work?). Meditation does help. And for me, social media and community IRL does, too. We’re all on this crazy planet together.

    7. My father fell down the stairs and broke his back on Monday night. Lots of changes ahead…

  10. Last night I found out my husband cheated. Again. We have been recovering from his infidelity that occurred about 6 years ago ever since he told me 2 years ago. We have two very young children (4 and nearly 2). I think he is going to be about as grown up about this situation as can be expected and I don’t think he will fight me on money/custody/etc. I have a consult with an attorney later this week. What non-legal tips do you have? I am especially concerned with being a good mom during this time and helping make this process as easy as possible on them. Also, how to survive a biglaw job without getting fired in the middle of all of this.

    1. I am SO SO sorry. Kids thrive on routine so as much as you can, keep up their normal schedule/activities during this process. Give them lots of hugs and kisses. If they feel loved, they’ll be less stressed. Ask your attorney, friends, etc. for recommendations for child therapists for the 4 year old. Play therapy can help him/her learn how to express any confusion, questions, etc.

      Also I know divorce/custody/setting up two households is expensive, but in regard to handling biglaw without getting fired, outsource whatever you can afford to do. Hire a college student to be a mother’s helper and get the kids from daycare, do laundry, etc. Use Let’s Dish or one of those places to have meals delivered, get a lawn service (or pay a neighbor kid).

      Best of luck.

    2. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have much advice other than related to your job: I would unapologetically “lean back” for the time being. Do all the work that needs to be done, but don’t volunteer for extra committees, writing projects, etc. Take that time to focus on you and your kids and what needs to be done in your life. Think of it as a season in your career and that you can focus back on your job when your life is more predictable.

    3. I’m so sorry. This is a terrible situation, but the plus side is that you don’t foresee your husband making this an especially difficult divorce. I think the best thing you can do is take care of and go easy on yourself and really focus on not saying bad things about your husband around the kids. I agree with JJ that now is the time to give yourself a pass to not be an ultra over achiever at work; just focus on getting the necessary tasks done and don’t worry about random extras.

    4. Forgive me, honestly, for answering a question you didn’t ask. I’m sure other commenters will flame me for this, so be it. But the first thing I wondered when reading your post is — why does cheat = divorce?

      Please, please, please don’t let well-meaning friends and parents tell you that his crime is so unforgivable that you must end the marriage. Are you otherwise happy and compatible? Because — sexual fidelity is very hard. Perhaps it’s more difficult for some people than it is for others — I don’t know. At any rate, I think it is normal to be attracted to other people and to be tempted to act on those impulses. And we try very hard not to act on them, because we make a commitment to each other to be monogamous, but sometimes — we fail. As Dan Savage says, if you’re married to someone for forty years — and you once (clutch pearls) twice — you are good at monogamy, not bad at monogamy.

      We forgive so much of our spouses over a lifetime of marriage. We forgive our spouses when they fail, when are occasionally selfish, or petty, or mean, or tell a lie, or emotionally distant — once in a while. We believe these things are forgivable, as long as some is decent and kind and selfless and honest and emotionally available the vast majority of the time. We do this because we recognize that everyone is human, and makes mistake, and is not perfect 100% of the time. Why do we apply, then, such a different standard to sexual failings? Why is sleeping with someone once, or even twice, such an unforgivable sin? I believe it’s because we live in such a sex-negative society.

      I wish we as a society would stop pretending that sexual monogamy is so easy and obvious, because I think marriages would improve if we admitted how hard it actually is, and could openly talk about it. “Cheating” in a relationship is not the same thing as cheating on an exam, but we treat them like they are equivalent failings of character. They aren’t.

      That being said, if you are unhappy in your marriage, you should leave, and I wish you all the best.

      1. You make some really good points about monogamy and fidelity. All true. I’m not married but I imagine the OP feels that her trust has been betrayed. Once that is lost in a relationship, it’s hard to build it up again. I don’t blame her for wanting out especially since this has happened before. Some people stick around and things never change….

      2. I agree. If the cheating is indicative of an inability for you to trust him in all areas of life, or is a symptom of other unhappiness in your marriage, then by all means leave. And I do feel that if this was an ongoing affair involving deception, yeah, that’s a breach of trust that could be unforgivable. But if it was a mistake that he honestly regrets and is willing to put in the work to re-commit to your marriage, I wouldn’t rush to divorce him.

        Same caveat as the above poster though – you know best whether staying in the marriage will make you unhappy. Trust yourself, but don’t leap to divorce just because you think/society thinks that is what’s “supposed” to happen after infidelity.

      3. I am sure the OP came to the divorce conclusion for many reasons, and I wish her the best. But to Wait a Second – well done. It took guts to say what you did, and I have to say I agree with you. Every situation is different and I would never judge someone for deciding to proceed with a divorce if they think that is right for them based on their own circumstances – but on the whole I think you are correct.

      4. Although I don’t disagree that it’s a good idea to really examine whether “cheating” has to equal “divorce,” I totally disagree that monogamy is all that hard. I’ve been married twice for a total of almost 25 years and never cheated or even seriously thought about cheating on either husband. It just plain wasn’t an option. And I really don’t think I’m all that much of an outlier.

        Maybe it is just. that. hard. for some people, and if you (general “you”) are one of those people, then in my view you need to negotiate an open marriage rather than sneak around and get caught on a regular basis.

        1. +1

          I was thinking the same. If it is very hard for you to be monogamous, then have an open marriage.

        2. I’m glad that someone else said that. This isn’t like a car accident, where you try to be careful but might have a momentary lapse – having s3x with someone is not something that happens accidentally or as a result of one split-second decision (if it is, you made a lot of decisions to allow yourself to get to that point). Maybe being faithful is not something that works well for some people on a grand, life-fulfilling scale of happiness, but it is not something that’s actually hard or requires some extraordinary effort to maintain on a day to day basis.

          I would agree that one bad decision can be forgivable, but a second intentional act that the actor knows would seriously hurt the person that that actor has committed to make their primary focus in life is not just a mistake.

          OP, I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.

        3. +1 to Senior Attorney.

          It is not that hard to remain faithful. It’s not always *easy* but there’s a vast difference between feeling temptation and giving in to it.

          An affair would damage my relationship with DH deeply, if not irreparably, because I value trust in my marriage (as most do, I think). If DH was able to sneak around enough to develop some sort of relationship that led to a physical affair, that trust would be completely broken because of the lies, as well as the action of physically cheating on me.

        4. I agree – if it is that difficult, he should not have committed to a monogamous marriage to begin with. That’s not what she signed up for (this is an assumption from the post).

      5. The OP said they’ve been recovering from his earlier infidelity for the past two years . This wording indicates that she’s not okay with it. Some people would be able to handle a spouse who is going to cheat on them at least once every 6 years, but many are not. It’s often about more than just having s*x with someone else; it’s about breaking your spouse’s trust and the trust you’ve worked to build together and a lack of respect for the relationship and the other person. The longest relationship I’ve been in is five years, so I obviously don’t know how it feels to be with someone for a long period of time, but I like to think that if you care about and respect your spouse enough that you would, at the least, avoid putting yourself in situations where you might cheat. I really don’t think it’s that difficult.

      6. It sounds like OP did give him another chance after he cheated but he betrayed her trust again. Relationships can’t really thrive without trust.

        OP, good luck to you. It may be embarrassing but I’d encourage you to lean on those around you. This isn’t something you have to go through alone.

      7. I thought the same thing you wrote and was trying to think of a good way to say it when I saw you already posted. I think it is worth considering not just forgiveness but “monogamish” on terms you can live with if you are open to it. Maybe that means he is single when on business trips (or when you are on business trips) but he doesn’t tell you the dirty details about it.

        Divorce is okay too if it is what you want but there are other options.

        1. OP here. Is this a common arrangement? I can’t wrap my head around it. I wish I could talk to someone who has a “deal” like this to see how it works. It is crazy because I know *so* many husbands who cheat and I always wonder if their wives have no clue or if they know and decide to stay anyway. And if the latter, are they really happy?

          1. I don’t know how common it is in real life but I read about it through Dan Savage’s blog. Since then I have heard it referenced on many other blogs. I think more people have unique arrangements than we all realize and they keep them private.

          2. My husband and I are in an open relationship. It took some time to get used to, but ultimately it works for us. Divorcing s*x from love/intimacy can be tough if that’s the only way you’ve ever thought of it, but it is possible.

            The key, for us anyway, is about being safe and honest. Try reading “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino or “The Ethical Slu t” for ideas about how this can work. Cheating isn’t ok because it’s a betrayal–it involves lying and possibly unsafe behavior. If you can come to an arrangement for both of you that eliminates the lying and makes things safe, that might be worth pursuing.

            Best of luck, whatever you choose. You’re in a difficult spot where there aren’t any right or easy choices, just what’s least crappy for your situation. I hope you can figure out a solution that causes you the least amount of possible pain.

      9. OP Here. Thank you for this comment. No flaming from me at all. This is what I have felt for the last 2 years.
        But, at this point, the cheating was sort of a last straw. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Maybe if he can grow up, learn to support himself rather than have me take care of him, and examine why he cheats without me pushing him we can work things out. But I need to legally separate because I cannot let him rely on me financially anymore. I honestly think the cheating is more about trying to make himself feel like a man and if he was finally forced to be a grown up, pay his own bills, and not have me make his life so nice and pretty, he would actually be happier, more mature and less prone to stray. I clearly enabled him to stay a relative child.
        Edit: And fwiw, I am only going to separate for right now. And give it 6 months. With kids, I am not rushing into anything.

    5. I am so, so sorry. I have been there. I have one child (now age 8, he was age 5.5 when we separated).

      my main advice is…
      ask him to move out. My ex lived in our house for over a year during the separation which made it not quite a separation (although emotionally we were separated). It’s harder to put things in perspective when he is still around.

      don’t try to be supermom

      take time for yourself.

      cry when you need to

      be honest with yourself, your kids, your husband

      keep busy (here is where it is good when work is crazy, you don’t have time to linger on what’s happening at home)

      lean on your support system

      don’t feel bad about how often you take Advil PM in order to fall asleep :)

      get a therapist for yourself

      GOOD LUCK and hang in there. It will get better eventually.

    6. Sorry to hear that. When I went through my divorce lo these many years ago, I made the mistake of not telling my boss. He was very sympathetic when I finally did tell him, but it would have gone better if he’d known earlier.

      Your workplace – and especially biglaw! – may vary, but I would’ve had a better performance review that year if I’d worked with him to make allowances and arrangements for my distraction and distress in advance rather than waiting to have the discussion when I’d already let things slip.

      1. I agree with this. You are not going to be at the top of your game, and it’s better to be upfront about the reason than to just let everybody think you’ve turned into a flake for no reason.

        1. Already done. Luckily (?) the partner I work for 90% of the time has been very open about going through a very similar situation once upon a time.

    7. When my parents separated when I was a child, they never said a bad word about one another. It was a similar situation- I knew that my dad “liked another lady”- but both of them spoke only positively about each other. It sounds easy, but I’m sure it wasn’t, especially for my mother. At times I even blamed her for leaving (as a child I didn’t really understand the situation) but she still never said anything that made me feel like it was my dad’s fault or that I had to “take sides.” I am so grateful that they were able to maintain this.

  11. Hi all
    If anyone is still reading, thank you. So I need some serious help, and I’m really unsure of how to handle this. I am a law student and I have an OCI interview coming up for a prosecutors office that I really, really want. I know the inevitable first question will be – why do you want to be a prosecutor. Well, the reason is is that I’ve been a victim of a sexual assault before (i did not go forward with the prosecution) and that is what inspired me to do this. I’ve been to counseling, have great friends and family and am generally “okay” with what happened- meaning I can talk about it in a calm, rational matter – i’m not scared im going to start crying or anything. But is that too heavy for the first interview? I mean, it’s the reason why I want the job, but I do have other reasons – I think I would want to be a prosecutor even if it didn’t happen, but that definatly made it so that I did want to be one, if that makes sense. So should I just ignore it? Is it too heavy, or pity-card for the first, screening interview? Thanks, all!

    1. What about using “victim of a crime” instead of “sexual assault.” They can ask more if they want to know and it is not super deep that way.

      1. I agree with this answer. And if they go deeper, I’d say “I’d rather not discuss the details, but I don’t think the details are all that important, anyway. I just want to [XYZ thing that you want to accomplish].”

    2. Agree with Starfish that you should keep it general and provide details, if you’re comfortable, if you’re asked. One caveat though is only bring it up if you can talk about it without getting emotional.

    3. I think tone is crucial here. I think framing it generally as you were a victim of a crime and it’s inspired you to want to help others in similar circumstances is fine. Just be mindful of your tone. You don’t want to come across as someone out to make up for what happened to you. That’s not a fair assumption, but one you have to be mindful of, nonetheless. Unfortunately, some people do want to work as DAs because they want to just put people in jail and most offices look to weed out those people.

    4. For at least the first interview, I wouldn’t even say you were a crime victim. I would look at what you want to accomplish and promote as a prosecutor: do you want to ensure justice, give victims a voice, or whatever? As a career prosecutor, if you just told me you were inspired by what happened to you, I’d be concerned whether you would be vengeful or unable to be objective. I’m not saying you would have those problems! Just, if that’s what an interviewee told me, I might not have time in a twenty or thirty minute interview to find out more. So I’d couch the answer to the question in what values you want to promote rather than making it purely personal experience.

      1. Former prosecutor here. I would also not say that at the first (or any) interview. Later on once you are a prosecutor, sure you can talk about it with witnesses or colleagues.

        What are the other reasons you want to be a prosecutor? For me, I liked the prosecutors obligation to do justice. Unlike other lawyers who are advocates for their client, prosecutors have a higher ethical standard. If we can’t prove a case or we think the guy didn’t do it, it’s not our job to try to get a conviction anyway, it’s our job to dismiss the case. That’s very appealing. It’s also great to help people. And it’s a noble responsibility to represent the People of your state or the People of the US. It’s a form of public service that utilizes your education, would be a great challenge, would let you get into a courtroom and be a courtroom lawyer. Also do you like working with police officers?

        Some prosecutors offices have interview questions that involve substantive law re evidence, crim pro, charging, etc. Ask around about yours before hand if you can.

    5. I really like Anony 7:59 pm’s suggestion about focusing on a more general goal. I’m an AAG and I find the work fulfilling in part because I am a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence. However, I did not disclose that until after I was already employed – I focused on how I sincerely enjoy being involved in the justice system (based on law school externships and prior professional background) during my interviews.

      If I were interviewing you, I would definitely follow up on any disclosure you would make with a question about what that means to you, but that is only thanks to my life experiences. If I were you, I would not take the risk of presenting that information to a potentially confused interviewer; at worst, some of the more bitter interviewers at my office might think the sort of disclosure you’re considering was a bluffing tactic designed to avoid discussing their standard legal interview questions and end up intensifying their questioning as a result.

      tl;dr: Focus on your qualifications and passion at this stage. Helping victims is a very meaningful profession.

      1. I’m a prosecutor. County level in an urban area. I agree to keep it general as to GOALS, not incidents. More critically, be really careful about over-identifying with victims. Many offices, including mine, have an entire department of victim’s advocates whose job it is to be the voice for the victims and to protect their interests and rights. It’s not my job – my job is to try to come to the most just outcome. Sometimes, that means dismissing a case where there is a victim.

        You also might want to really think about what you actually DO want to do, because perhaps victim advocacy is the path you really want to take. There’s nothing wrong with that, but while prosecutors do have a goal of protecting victims and the community, they aren’t victim advocates.

        1. I am not a lawyer. But the OP here should not want to sound too much like Batman.

    6. I wouldn’t mention it at all. I usually counsel people to stay away for major personal disclosures, especially emotional ones, in interviews, especially high-stakes interviews. Moreover, I don’t think this would be as effective as talking about the goals and objectives you want to accomplish, etc. I think it would be even worse if you say you were the victim of a crime, and then effectively say “I don’t want to talk about the details” when asked. I would wonder why you brought up something you didn’t want to fully disclose.

      Literally the only time I have ever brought up something like this is a professional interview was when I was asked “have you ever been a victim of a crime.” Then I described only the facts of the crime. I didn’t want to be perceived as looking for sympathy, or expressing an inability to be objective.

  12. Hi all, I’m a long time lurker, infrequent commenter. I would appreciate some input in regard to dealing with awkward chronic health issues that are not considered disabilities (specifically my own). The following may be nsfw for some people so heads-up.

    I have a chronic health condition called dysmenorrhea (commonly known as severe menstrual cramps). Due to the severity of the condition, I usually have to take one, sometimes two, sick days every month (with the occasional “good” month where all the bad days fall on weekends or evenings). I am resistant to painkillers and none of the currently available medical treatments have proven effective. In the past I have been fairly open with my coworkers and bosses about the reason for my sick leave. I work regular overtime (built into the job) and am a hard worker- when I am able to work. It has been helpful that I work in an all-female staffed office and there isn’t a gender taboo about unspeakable female complaints (sarc). Several coworkers have been sympathetic, usually those who have dealt with milder forms of this problem. However my unit coworkers are not in this camp. I am concerned that there may be conflict/resentment because I have to call in sick more frequently than many people do. On a related note, in a past job (different employer and field) I was criticised for taking excessive sick days: I had eye surgery that year so ended up using all my sick leave and some vacation leave as sick leave because of the extra days away. Since that experience, I feel a bit paranoid about negative perceptions of my work ethic and whether there is any chance that I am being viewed as a malingerer.

    Long story later, does anyone have any advice on how to navigate an issue like this? Doctor notes are pretty useless since all they can do is say that I say I’m feeling pain! Is there anyone who has suffered a similar complaint and found some ideas I haven’t thought of to reduce the negative impact? For employers/supervisors, how would you view or address such a dynamic?

    Any advice is appreciated.
    Thanks!

    1. Just saw this. Interesting to see this after the post about severe allergies. I suggest reposting on a morning or coffee break thread – just copy and paste if you want to; you’ve written it very well here, it’s just that your timing is off.

      1. Thanks TrueFact, the allergy post reminded me that I’d been meaning to ask this question. I will repost. :)

  13. I too have debilitating cramps, also diagnosed dysmenorrhea, along with a more than a week of heavy bleeding and awful depression, but, because I keep a calendar, I can usually anticipate when it will start. That way I can begin the advil before the cramps get too bad. I too went without medication for a number of years, but my god, why did I do that to myself? Losing time at work and life, huddled in bed, miserable?

    Why not take pain-killers? Why not go on the pill? Or install a hormone-free IUD? I know men’s problems get so much money thrown at them, but we do have some options.

    1. If you read through my post, I am resistant to all of the available medications out there right now (or side effects have been just as debilitating- ex. getting severe migraines multiple times a month). Trust me, I have tried it ALL over the last few decades. I do take extra strength Tylenol (Advil is useless to me) and if I get it right as soon as I feel a twinge and it’s not the particularly severe kind of pain it helps somewhat, but not entirely. Unfortunately there are no med options for me at this point. Hopefully soon they come up with something new and effective!

  14. If I’m taking a hormone-treatment, I also have to take anti-depressant. I had to have the combo (though a side-effect of Zoloft was 12 months of lactose intolerance –be warned) in order to function, since I’d learned the hard way that the pill alone caused round-the-clock depression instead of just week-before depression. When I was in high school, I took something called Nalfon, which was fantabulous. Awesome. Felt wonderful on it.

    Of course, I’ve also just started perimenopause, so I’ve got new things going on. Yippee.

    Why not a no-hormone IUD? It’ll be just like pre-menarche again. I have a friend who uses one and she’s doing great. More than five years, and going strong.

    Doesn’t it suck? They can put man on the moon, and spend billions on little blue pills, cuz poor boy can’t get it up, but a debilitating, life-interfering menstrual problem? Nothing.

    1. It sure does suck! Can you believe that for years they claimed that the PMS issues and menstrual pain were all in our hysterical womanly heads? Yay sexism.

      Unfortunately, according to my doc, the IUD would have the same migraine causing effect as some of the other meds I have tried. I am slightly prone to migraines already (about 3-5 per year) and something about the chemicals makes the migraines go into overdrive. Grr! And there isn’t anything I can take to get rid of the migraines either- annoying med resistance strikes again- or I could double-drug it and avoid the headaches(figuratively and literally).

      Right now I am stuck with the life interrruptions and focusing on finding ways to make it less difficult for everyone around me.

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