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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 199 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Sunburst Ponte Sheath Dress

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Ivanka Trump Starburst Ponte Sheath DressI'm kind of loving Ivanka Trump's new clothing line (right? didn't she used to just do shoes?), and I like the fact that most of the dresses seem to go up to size 16. This sunburst ponte sheath dress looks great for work and beyond, and I like the zipper detail on the front. It's $134 at Nordstrom (sizes 2-16). Ivanka Trump Sunburst Ponte Sheath Dress Psst: here's a plus-size option that has a similar feel.  Interested in seeing more plus-size content from Corporette? Sign up for the newsletter, here. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Ellen

    Yay! OMG, Kat, I love this sheath dress and you know I love Ivanka! She is so talented and she is MARRIED to Jared Kushner and has kid’s and she is very beautiful! Dad say’s I should be more like her, so I am starteing to buy her shoe’s and now her clotheing line! DOUBEL YAY!!!!! Mabye I can find a guy like Jared to MARRY me and then I can be just like her!!!! TRIPEL YAY!!!!

    Anyway, there was a thread last nite that was SO interesting about how to handel a husband who the OP found cheateing on her (for the 2nd time), and they had 2 littel kid’s. I felt so sad for her b/c her husband betrayed her. What was more interesting was that alot of the coment’s said to forgive again. I think there is a saying that twice bitten is NOT good or some thing like that — fool me once, shame on you — but fool me twice, shame on ME. While onley the OP will know what to do, it is important for her to remember that she needs to take care of herself and her children. She know’s that husband cheated with other women, but b/c those other women may have been sleepeing around, she does NOT know what he might have brought home with him, so she need’s to be test IMEDIATELELEY for S.T.D.’s with all of the chlamidia, cervical cancer and other stuff goeing around. I think this is a good lesson for ALL of us, b/c everyone want’s sex and fun but you just do NOT know what you are getting into when you allow a guy into your bed, even when the guy is your HUSBAND. FOOEY!

  2. Medic Maggie

    Despite what folks were saying about ponte yesterday/day before, I do like this dress. I’m not too keen on the zipper, I feel like it’s kind of an odd embellishment, but not terrible. However, I’ve never owned ponte, and so I am a little hesitant based on what folks were saying the other day. I didn’t ever get into ponte when it was “big” because I felt the same way about looking/feeling like sweats, but for a dress, maybe that’s not a bad thing? Is scuba the new ponte? What’s the difference??

    I have zero motivation today. I have a few things that I need to do, but then I am going to lunch today with work friends (restaurants in town are donating proceeds to a memorial fund for a former employee), then I’m getting a haircut in the middle of the day; then 2 different girls’ nights (in the same night–I’m such a social butterfly); then kayaking tomorrow morning with work folks.

    And, hive, I would like some help–I would like to see your top pick(s) for ankle booties. Do you have some you love, or are there some you’re dying to get? Nothing super-high heel (like 2″ or less, and at that, should be chunky rather than pointy because I’d break my legs…). Help me find some!

      • Medic Maggie

        those are lovely! I wish they came in a more chocolate color. As much as I am sure I would wear them, and as great as their customer service & quality are, the price isn’t terrible at all. (I’m also digging the Teva boots they suggested too!)

      • RR

        I love these. I just wish the heel were a little shorter. Has anyone tried them on? Would love to know if they are so comfortable that I’ll magically be able to walk in a 3 1/2 inch heel.

    • lucy stone

      I don’t understand these booties…what am I supposed to wear them with? I feel like this is the type of shoe I would buy and never wear because I don’t know what to do with it.

      • S in Chicago

        That’s my problem. I have a few really cute pairs of ankle boots that are flat or low heel, but I never seem to know how to style. I will sometimes do with leggings and long sweaters or tunic tops. But other pants never seem quite right. If worn under bootcut jeans, you never see how cute they are and that they are actually boots. Skinny leg pants seem too wide, such that the pant leg kind of balloons out where you tuck (and sometimes you can’t tuck at all if the shaft is too narrow). Skirts are awful. It’s a way to give instant cankles. So comfy but tough to figure out.

      • espresso bean

        I think the key is to pair them with not just skinny jeans, but truly tapered legging jeans that are cropped just above the ankle. If the jeans come out even a little from your ankle, it won’t look right.

    • anonypotamus

      I think this is the year of the ankle boot for me – I somehow ended up going from 0 pairs to 4 pairs! The ones currently getting the most use are the Sam Edelmen “Petty” boots in putty. Since they are a lighter colored suede I don’t feel weird about wearing them already, even though it’s still relatively warm where I am. I can walk for miles in them. They have a bit of a chunky heel. I also think they hit low enough on the ankle to avoid the cankle look. I wear them with everything – jeans, leggings, skirts, dresses. I was hesitant to style them at first, but found lots of inspiration on pinterest and different style blogs. I think skinny pants work the best, and I usually end up cuffing them some so a bit of ankle pokes out. I am dying to get the Frye Reina ankle boot but its a little out of my price range at the moment – they are a bit higher heel, but still chunky, and a little more western inspired I think.

      • EduStudent

        +1000 on the Petty bootie in putty. So much love for those boots. I also think they look amazing with cuffed skinny pants. They hit just under the ankle, so they don’t cut my legs off nearly as severely as other booties.

  3. Midway Meetup

    I am in San Francisco, and my best friend is in DC. We are looking for a place to meet up for a girls weekend. Since it’s only for a weekend, I am seeking suggestions for what city we could meet up in that would make for easy travel plans for both of us. Preferably cheap, direct flights. TIA for any suggestions!

    • Nashville!

      It would be a longer flight for you, but Nashville is a great mid-way point. I’d love to give suggestions if that’s an option for you.

    • Kathryn

      I went to school in Nashville and am just in love with the city, although it’s closer for your friend than you. Other options: Austin, Denver, Chicago. It depends on what type of activities you’re looking for.

      ETA: Nashville! Great minds :)

          • Laura

            I’m an Austinite who went to school in Nashville. Both cities have tons of fun things to do, but I absolutely would recommend renting a car.

          • SA-litagor

            Necessary for Austin unless staying downtown. If staying downtown for a weekend, not that necessary. I would get a nice room at a downtown hotel, run the Town Lake trail in the morning, hit the pool, brunch, walk around 2nd Street district, walk up Congress and visit the capitol, happy hour at Parkside, maybe hit a few places for cocktails.

          • Kathryn

            I would say it would help to have one in Nashville, but you could do without. You would end up taking quite a few cabs though, but they’re not hard to find.

    • kc

      Chicago! Vegas? (Depending on what you like to do). You could get direct flights from both locations.

      • Mo

        Yes – or Chicago. Both have cheap direct flights and don’t require rental cars.

        • anon

          I wouldn’t say that New Orleans has cheap direct flights (well, from DC, but not sure about SF) but you’re right, a rental car in New Orleans would be a liability.

    • Moonstone

      Chicago. We have everything … except good weather, so I guess it depends what month you are meeting?

        • ANP

          October in Chicago can be gorgeous! Depends on what you mean by “too cold.” :)

        • Mpls

          Depends who you ask. You have good probabilities for both really nice sunny days that are a little crisp and blustery decline into winter. Oct will probably be better weather wise than Nov.

    • Anonymous

      Denver! Beautiful in the fall and the flights are reasonable. (I’m biased because I live in Denver and love it). If you time it right you could rent a car and spend a day in the mountains when the leaves are changing.

    • Amy H.

      Chicago — as all three airports (SFO, ORD and Dulles) are United hubs — so very easy flight planning. No need for a rental car. Plus amazing food and music and the Art Institute!

  4. houda

    I have been very diligent at putting on flawless clean makeup to go to work. I do not mean beat face, nor bold makeup, just good looking skin (despite hormonal acne) and understated eyes and lips.
    For the first few weeks, I was getting comments about whether I had a meeting, am in love or something going on.
    I am glad that finally, 2+ months into it, my colleagues have finally accepted me being put together as a “normal houda” vs “special day houda”. So while I keep getting compliments on my makeup, they are more along: “I really love your make up – You look so fresh etc.” with nothing more, instead of insinuating I have something going on.
    I am not sure I’ve expressed the nuance well enough, but it makes me happy.

    • Hildegarde

      That’s awesome that you went ahead and did something you wanted to do, despite your colleagues’ comments. Vexation at people’s comments about my appearance used to prevent me from making changes along those lines, like more unusual clothing or whatever. I don’t know why it bothered me so much, exactly, since no one ever commented in a mean way. It just made me feel defensive, and want people to leave me alone. Maybe it comes along with being a private person.

      Anyway, I’m sure you look great!

      • houda

        Yes, I am an introvert and tend to over-analyze. This is a big achievement for me.

    • Medic Maggie

      I used to be that way about dresses & skirts. I NEVER used to wear them. Folks would ask me if I had a meeting or something, and I’d say no, just because. It made me self-conscious, but in the end, wearing a skirt or a dress is sometimes more comfy for me than pants. And I like them. So there.

      But, I see what you’re saying. “Hey, you look nice!” (Don’t I at least look ok most days?? What about the days when you don’t say something to me??)

    • RoRo

      Houda, what’s this great makeup regime of yours? I would love to up my standard makeup game. Thanks. :)

      • houda

        Hello,
        My makeup’s main focus is hiding hyperpigmentation and hormonal acne along my jaw line.
        I am dark skinned NC45 in MAC and have combination dehydrated skin with oily patches.
        Here is the detailed routine, it takes 20 minutes from start to finish (including eyebrows and mascara, liner):
        – Primer: Avon Magix SPF 20
        – Under eye primer (yes I use this to prevent my concealer from creasing): Mavala eye base
        – Revlon nearly naked foundation applied with a damp beauty blender
        – MAC prolongwear concealer on stubborn hyperpigmentation and under my eyes
        – Set under my eyes with Revlon nearly naked powder (I pat it and not drag or swipe it).
        – MAC Raizin blush above the hollow of my cheek
        – Blend with Black Up cosmetics blush in 06 (that’s a bright orange) on my cheeks
        – Apply MAC mineralize skinfinish natural powder all over my face (even on top of the blush)
        – I then spray a setting spray

  5. LaCanadienne suede boots with 3" heels

    I have a pair of leather flat-heel lug-soled LaCanadienne boots that I love.

    I’d like to get a pair of the suede ones with 3″ heels (none shorter — yikes) b/c they look dressier and I could wear them with dresses in the winter (like to work / church). Can anyone vouch for any particular style (Mazy looks like a winner; maybe Martine?) and that a boot with 3″ heel is not ungodly hard on feet if you do a lot of standing / walking and that the suede can suvive a winter or (ideally) five (our winters are much more wet than snowy; the leather boots have held up just fine).

    Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I can’t speak to either of those models, but my 5 year old suede 3 inch heel La Canadiennes are super warm and comfortable and look brand new. Narrow calves though so they’re a bit of a squeeze.

    • Carrie

      I love my La Canadiennes. I have three pairs – one pair suede wedge booties, one pair 3″ heels suede booties, and one pair wedge knee high of a more nylon/waterproof fabric. All were bought on deep discount after scouring sales later in the season and/or on 6.com.

      Same as you – I have been debating getting a 3″ heeled dressier suede – probably the Kara. I love the look, and I find my other La Canadiennes to be very comfortable and think these will be too.

      However, I have to admit that my other suede booties are showing some wear even though I treat them very carefully. I waterproof treat them at the beginning of the season, and spot treat and use suede care techniques as needed. But I live in Chicago and the snow/salt can be brutal at times. I definite recommend having a heartier waterproof boot as well. If I get the knee high Kara style, I will probably NOT wear them in bad snow/regularly to work. Maybe your situation will be ok, since it is more wet than snow….

      And I certainly wouldn’t pay full price. Stalk them and get them on a great sale!

    • BB

      I have Passion (I think) – brown suede, <2" stacked heel. I barely feel the heel, and it's held up well.

      • OP

        I have the Passion, but I don’t think it’s dressy enough for what I want. Also, the boot top is wide for my legs, so I feel like it’s not that sleek of a look. But they are so easy to stand / walk in with those chunky heels.

    • Anon

      I have the Mazy and I absolutely love them. They are super comfortable, I can stand in them all day and I don’t even feel like I’m wearing heels. I wear them to work. I live in Chicago and they have held up well through 2 winters. I don’t wear them on super snowy days, but they have good traction and I can walk around in them comfortably. Also, they are very sleek and narrow, so they look dressy (but caution if you have large calves, they might be too tight). They were worth every penny.

    • Medic Maggie

      Our TJM had a navy/cobalt blue Guess (I think?) boucle wool-blend coat with asymmetric zipper. It was beautiful, and very similar in appearance (minus the belt) to the Burberry you posted. I looked online, and don’t see it there–maybe just in stores.

      This one comes in “dried pine”
      landsend DOT com/products/womens-boiled-wool-parka/id_274248

      And this is beautiful, but blue only.
      landsend DOT com/products/womens-tweed-wool-car-coat/id_274214

      http://www.sierratradingpost DOT com/jonathan-michael-lambswool-walker-coat-for-women~p~7485n/?filterString=womens-dress-coats~d~521%2F&colorFamily=06

  7. Alanna of Trebond

    For the childfree poster — take heart from this lovely article (posted in the reply) — many famous and successful women who have been interviewed regarding their decision not to have children

  8. Anon

    Anyone in an interfaith relationship where one (or both) partner(s) is committed to making religion a part of the life you are building?

    SO comes from a different religious background; he says the right things about participating in family events, raising the kids in my religious traditions, etc. But I worry about how this will actually play out. I’m concerned that if I’m always attending services by myself, it will be lonely and hard to build a sense of community. I’m concerned that although he says the right things, it will be different down the road – one or both of our views towards religion may change (eg, there’s plenty of writing on how people tend to be at their least religious in their 20s, and return to religion when they have kids). To that end, I don’t want to be foreclosed from becoming more religiously active in the future. And what if his religion becomes more important to him? And I’m concerned that – as many other things as we agree on and the fact that our values are fundamentally the same – this is one of those areas where we would not have a shared vision – without that, how do we go about as partners building our lives together? Is it okay if religion is just one of our visions and the other simply goes along with it, or is that a recipe for disaster?

    Obviously things to talk through with SO – and we have talked through about as much of it as we can. But curious if anyone has any thoughts/experiences with this. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      My experience has been accepting that marrying someone who shares my faith is a priority to me. It matters to me that my someday future husband pray with me, go to church with me, want to support teaching our kids our faith. Which means setting my OkCupid profile to Christian and not going on dates with guys who aren’t. Even when they’re really really cute.

      • Random question

        What does this setting mean? Or what do you think it means to guys (who, when single, usually don’t seem to go to a church outside of funerals / weddings / visits to their parents at holidays)?

        Does it mean “not Shinto” or does it mean “Christian but not Catholic” or “mainline Protestant” or “anyone who celebrates Christmas” or “I am very religious and you should be, too” or something else?

        I am now wondering what messge that is sending out to the world and maybe it is not what I had intended.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Your response made me feel like I could ask my “dumb” question. I was brought up Catholic (no longer practicing more Episcopalian if anything now) and I thought these were all “Christian” religions. A friend recently mentioned growing up in a strictly religious house. I asked what religion and she said “Christian.” And I said, yeah, but which one. And she looked at me like I had 10 heads and said “Christian is the religion.” So I just said, oh. So now I’m confused, is it both a type of religion as well as an actual religion? I’m sure I could google all of this.

          • Anonymous

            Christian: a term for followers of Christ, which encompasses everything from Catholic to Mormon with evangelicals and main line Protestants in between.

            Christian: a term used by some in mainly independent evangelical churches as the name of their particular denomination.

          • Random question

            It depends. I have run into that (so I feel like I am not of that variety of Christian, even though I am baptized and regularly attend services and feel comfortable in most churches and even most houses of other Abrahamic faiths and probably be OK with more than that). I have also run into Christian = celebrate Christmas + brought up by parents who took you to church (which excludes people who just celebrate Christmas b/c you get presents).

            In the dating world, I wouldn’t want to send the wrong signal.

            I always thought that the “spiritual but not religious” box was for people who celebrate Christmas (or whatever) but don’t go to church. I believe the atheists are completely unambiguous (perhaps uniquely so).

            So complicated!

          • Anon

            You were justified in your confusion. It silently bugs me when new wave evangelicals don’t understand the various branches of Christianity. Also the “are you christian or catholic?” *facepalm*

            Interesting insight: the church I grew up in (of the protestant variety) was getting to the point where paying the national organization was becoming financially difficult. They were growing to around 900 members, but attendance was around 250. Paying for the 900 members to keep the “name brand” was expensive. But they decided to stay in the group rather than become “non-denominational.” This might explain why so many mega-churches fall under “evangelical” or “non-denominational”, or perhaps they didn’t like the connotations of those words and decided to try to redefine “Christian.”

          • Gail the Goldfish

            This question reminds me of a time a Southern Baptist at my highschool told me she was going on a mission trip to Mexico to “convert the Catholics.” This resulted in a lot of confusion on my part. (“But I don’t get it, what are you converting them to, they’re already Christian??” My limited exposure to church as a child was Methodist, and they’re a pretty open-minded bunch on what counts as Christian.)

          • Lyssa

            @Gail – My experience growing up Catholic in a very Southern Baptist area is that there are a number of protestants that don’t believe that Catholics are Christians. I’m not sure why, and I’m sure that there’s a lurid and tangled history of disputes that explains the roots of it. But I know some of my classmates were actually surprised to learn that Catholics actually believe in Christ and all that.

            Somewhere out there, there’s a Jack Chick publication explaining exactly why Catholics are all going to the hot place; I’m sure that you can find it on the ‘net if you try.

          • Avril

            Strictly speaking the term “Christian” means those who believe in or are followers of Christ, which should include Catholics, Protestants,, Evangelicals and all the classifications that people use. However, I think in practice people interpret this term differently e.g. I know people who are Protestants who think that Catholics for example are not really Christian. This I attribute to the different doctrines taught in Church – some people are very strict adherents to what their denomination teaches, others are more flexible.
            Speaking from experience however, I think the OP could end up feeling lonely if her S.O. does not share in the same religious traditions.

          • Wandering Catholic

            Way late, but I think a lot of the self-identification semantics comes down to region and/or level-of-religiousness. Broad generalizations to follow, based on my limited experience (having spent most of my life in the Northeast, with a couple years in the South thrown in):

            In the South, I found “new wave evangelicals,” as Anon so eloquently put it, often self-identify as Christian (rather than any denomination) and are often seriously and/or publicly religious (by “publicly,” I don’t necessarily mean in-your-face, but just that e.g. if you’re asked to name 3 things about yourself, one would be Christian). That’s what I’d assume if I saw “Christian” on an online profile.

            As a Catholic (though I wasn’t very observant at the time) I’d get a lot of the “Catholics aren’t real Christians” stuff while in the South too. Also, a lot of the self-identifying Christians were very conservative, wouldn’t touch a drop of alcohol, etc. I didn’t argue politics (although I was raised in the social justice tradition so my personal view of Catholicism leans more liberal, think Sister Simone Campbell/ Nuns on a Bus). But alcohol, I mean, there is quite literally wine at Mass (they told me they have grape juice instead). Now I’m not advocating getting hammered, but many self-identifying-Christians I met truly seemed to believe that having any alcohol at all was a sin. This was all very surprising to me.

            On the other hand, in the Northeast, I find most people of Christian denominations identify by their denomination, if at all, and are much less public about it. It also doesn’t tend to lend itself to as much conservatism in daily life (or, if it does, people are private about it and don’t announce it, so it goes unnoticed). Just my 2 cents. So maybe the reason mostly boils down to the public/private thing, but I would assume Southern-strain Christian if I saw on a profile.

        • Anonymous

          Literally selecting “Christian” from the drop down menu on my profile and only dating guys who are also committed enough to their faith that they mark the Christian box. How often they attend church, what kind of church, what they actually believe I’m happy to discover during dating. But since I’ve decided having a Christian family is important to me, if a guy tells me he’s Jewish then he’s not for me.

          • Senior Attorney

            I think this is a great approach. My honest opinion is that if you plan to make religion a major part of your life, it will be much, much better if your partner can be part of it.

            One of the things that brought Mr. Senior Attorney and I together, way back many years ago, was religion. We practiced together for many years and it was pretty great. We were in the community together, we served together, and it was a very important part of our lives (until the dissonance between the way he treated me and the teachings of the religion drove me out of both the religion and the marriage, but that’s another story…).

            I think the OP is right that it will be lonely to not have her husband involved in her religious life, if her religious life is very important to her. I’m not sure what she describes is a recipe for disaster, but certainly I think it is much better for a religious person to try and find a partner who is equally religious because that is a recipe for a very happy family.

          • Anon

            +1. I am a Hindu and I wanted to marry and married a Hindu man. We both are not necessarily religious. We go to temple probably twice or thrice a year. But I couldn’t bring myself to marry some one from other religion. I did date a man from a different religious background. That only proved that even though I don’t practice my religion in my day to day life, I cared enough to not convert to a different religion even for love and I want to raise my children as Hindu children.

        • Anonymous

          Not the Anon above, but when I see “Christian” in the religion field, it means to me that they identify as Christian on a basic level–in some sense, I would say that lines up with your “not Shinto” answer because to me it means they are not one of the other major non-Christian religions, nor atheist/agnostic (also, I don’t automatically assume it excludes Catholicism but I do think more serious Catholics specify Catholic). If someone wants to convey that they are more serious about their faith, like praying regularly, attending weekly service, engaging in bible study, etc., I think they need to use the open-form profile fields to discuss that, because I definitely don’t assume it just by the “Christian” box being checked.

          • Diana Barry

            It probably also depends on the choices given. Like, is “Christian” the only category in the drop down menu that applies to them, or are there subcategories like “Christian – Catholic” or “Christian – Methodist” or “Christian – Greek Orthodox” etc. The “Christian” person above probably belongs to a non-denominational evangelical church. Etc.

          • Jersey Strong

            Where I grew up, we had a Slovakian Catholic church, one that was Russian, one that was Greek, and then the basic (Roman) Catholic church. I used to understand that there was a schism at some point, but then with Communism and immigration to the US, things got to be a bit complicated. And we had some Copts.

            I have no idea (I blame you, East Coast; my friends out west have a better handle on this) where Mormons fit on the Christianity org chart (if there is one , someone please post).

            I think I get from Luther on down with how Protestant denominations evolved, but that’s only up to a point.

          • Nonny

            @ Jersey Strong…but then you have Anglican/Episcopalian/Church of England, which is Protestant but has no affiliation with Luther (we can thank Henry VIII for that).

          • Anonymous

            Doctrinally, the term “Christian” does not include Mormons. The definition of Christian is someone who believes in the concept of the Triune God as set out in the Nicene and Apostles Creed – Father, Son and Holy Spirit, being at the same time three individual persons and yet one. Mormons do not believe in the Trinity, and therefore are not Christians. To say that Mormons are Christian would be equivalent to saying that Muslims are Christians, because Muslims believe in Christ as well, but do not believe in the Triune God. The only real difference is that Muslims would never identify themselves as Christians, but, due to the fact that Mormonism developed in the US out of a predominantly-Christian culture, Mormons do identify themselves as Christian, based on the fact that they believe in Jesus. However, no Christian religious leader with any basic level of theological training, even the very liberal ones (including a lot of my Presbyterian, Congregationalist and Methodist friends who are pastors), would agree that Mormons are Christian.

    • anon

      If you are serious with your SO, you might also want to consider the religious upbringing of any kids the two of you may go on to have.

      • NYNY

        My brother is in an interfaith marriage – he’s Episcopalian, SIL is Jewish – and it works for them, but it wouldn’t for everyone. SIL converted as a young woman, and is very serious about religion as a part of everyday life, so the family attends services weekly, keeps kosher, lights candles, etc. My brother used to practice his faith on his own, but with two kids being raised Jewish, he seems to have given that up. He actively participates in his wife’s religion, but has not converted (yet).

    • Anon

      It will be difficult. After months of lipservice about this, my ex decided the different religion thing was a dealbreaker.

      Also – a friend who is about 10 years older than me married someone outside of her faith and they’re raising the children in her faith. She said that it’s really lonely on her own and if she had to do it again, she probably would try to marry someone in her own faith.

      FWIW – I think this is really difficult with children and this is not really my concern now as someone who is single, but I would be scared about the future and people feeling drawn to their religious traditions as life goes on and they get older. I only have bad experiences though so I’m probably a bit jaded.

      • Anon in NYC

        I think that even parents within the same faith struggle when one person is doing the heavy lifting on the religion front and the other is only paying lip service to it. My mother actively participates in her church and dragged all of us kids to it when we were younger. My dad participated for a while because he liked the community, but I don’t think he ever did it for the religious aspects. I think it was hard on my mom to be the person who was primarily responsible for our religious upbringing.

        • Anastasia

          I wish my husband would participate for the community even if not the religion. I would not consider myself super devout, but I like the community and tradition of church and I miss having it in my life. My husband had a very negative experience with religion as a child and basically refuses to consider attending services to be polite/support me except on Christmas and Easter. He says it makes him uncomfortable and feels like a “lie.” I try to understand this, but it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it being impossible to just sit quietly and tune out the sermon if you don’t like it (God knows I’ve tuned out many-a-sermon in my life!), then enjoy coffee and donuts with the other families afterward. I didn’t realize how much this would bother me earlier in our relationship, so didn’t make it as much of an issue as I maybe should have — I was OK with attending church without my boyfriend, it turns out I am not as OK with my husband not wanting to attend church with me and the kids (I also think he wasn’t quite so vehemently anti-religion then, either).

          If you’ve already identified religion as something important to you, I would take a hard look at whether the life you want is really possible if you’re married to someone of a different faith or who doesn’t want to participate in your faith. There are long, successful interfaith marriages in my family, but in each case, one partner converted or otherwise was OK with sidelining his/her own religion to support the other.

    • OhYeah

      Me. interfaithfamily.com is a great resource for Jewish interfaith marriages. Confession: I have written for them.

      My suggestion is to start acting like how you want your family to be – if that’s classes, reading, weekly services, monthly services, your local community center, volunteer opportunities, whatever – look for it, be involved, include your SO. Feel free to teach your SO similar to how you’d teach your kids – this is what we do, this is why, this is what it means to me, let’s discuss it and learn together, there’s always more to learn.

      I wish my SO would include me in his faith like this. I think he’d be happier if he did.

    • Whiskeypalian

      You’d think that Episcopalians and Catholics would get along, but we are making a concerted effort not to have our home life be like The Tudors. I am the parent who just does more things with our children, so they tend to do church things with me (and the way our churches go, I’d have to convert to participate on a similar level in his church and he has no inclination to help with this stuff even though my church would be OK with it). We go back and forth to services and our children were baptized at his church. But now that they are older, we had to pick activities and are doing things at the church with more / better / easily accommodated with two working parents activities. It is hard to sing in two choirs. It has hard to teach Sunday school at two churches. That said, I went to a high school of a different Protestant denomination in the NY suburbs that was probably half Catholic and a quarter Jewish and we all got along just fine. Respect. God > family > denomination > historical issues > older relatives who too-freely share their thoughts.

      Obviously, our situation is different b/c we share holidays and I’m a heavy Lent observer (so: cheese pizza every Friday of the year; fish in Lent). But perhaps the thing to do is treat all holidays as interesting from a learning-about-the-world perspective and a bonus (like when you live abroad, you celebrate your holidays and all local holidays).

      • great reference

        not to sound dismissive of the question at hand, but I chuckled at your Tudor reference. I was brought up Episcopal, and was a counselor at an Episcopal summer camp for a few years. I’ve always heard of Episcopalians as either “drinking Catholics”, “Catholic-lite” or “Loose Catholics”

        All of those amuse me (as does Whiskeypalian). I was never very religious, and DH describes himself as a recovering Catholic. Religion is not a part of our family, but morality and spirituality are.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t quite get the “drinking Catholics”–we Catholics drink plenty :)

        • cbackson

          There are no Episcopalians down in hell,
          There are no Episcopalians down in hell,
          Because they’re all up above,
          Drinking beer and making love,
          There are no Episcopalians down in hell.

          • Nonny

            And now I’m going to be singing this in my head all day.

            And I’m Anglican/Episcopalian.

            :-)

        • NYNY

          I may have shared this before, but DH, who was raised in a strict Catholic family, called the Episcopal church a “Catholic cover band.”

        • hoola hoopa

          I grew up hearing “junior varsity Catholics.”

          Agree that “drinking Catholics” makes absolutely no sense at all.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Would you be open to going to each other’s services in addition to your own? My good friend growing up had parents of different religions. Some weeks they went as a family to both services as in mom’s religion Saturday night and dad’s religion Sunday morning. Sometimes the kids went w/ mom and dad didn’t go. Sometimes the kids went with dad and mom didn’t go. They were exposing the kids to both and letting the kids decide what they believed. I think you could still decide to raise the kids one faith but go as a family to both services some of the time to help build that sense of community.

    • jc

      My SO and I have similar issues and I’ve posted about them on here before. We went through a really difficult time where I wasn’t sure the relationship would survive the religion talks. But, we made it through and both committed to a plan that we think will work for us. We also committed to making new traditions for our future children that blends both of our cultures. I definitely had to sacrifice some things that were important to me, but I know that he did too.

      I think the best thing to do is to work at it everyday if you think the relationship is worth it. It’s certainly a risk that things will change, but you’ll never know until you try.

      FWIW, I decided I would convert to his religion, but that we would still blend in parts of mine and attend holidays with my family.

    • cbackson

      It became a big problem in my marriage (committed Christian me and nonpracticing, not bar mitzvah’d, not even really culturally Jewish ex-h). We underestimated it at first, to be honest, but being at church by myself all the time – and realizing that I’d never stand up there with my husband watching our children be baptized – was very sad for me ultimately. He actually became fairly militantly atheist with the passage of time and fairly dismissive of my beliefs, but I’m not sure if that was sincere on his part or just a means of hurting me during the marital breakdown.

    • West Coast Lawyer

      Yes, and it can be tough. I feel like I would probably be more religious at this point in my life (after kids) if my spouse was of the same faith. He’s great about going to church and supporting my beliefs on Christmas/Easter, but I feel like asking him to go every Sunday (or leaving him at home so I could go on Sundays) would be a bit much. I sometimes secretly wish that I’d fallen in love with someone who shared my faith, because it would make that aspect of life much easier, but sort of in the same way that I sometimes wished that I would marry a native speaker of a foreign language so our kids could be bilingual. It obviously was not a dealbreaker for me.

      I think you need to think about your life 5-10 years from now and think about how upset you would be if you become somewhat more religious (I think it’s rare, for example, for people to go from barely practicing to super religious) and your spouse didn’t share those beliefs/traditions with you. If you feel like something important would be missing than you have your answer. But if you think it’s not a dealbreaker know that at some point you may have to mourn the path not taken.

      Also, if anyone has any great resources for interfaith families in the Bay Area I’d love to hear about them!

    • lucy stone

      I’m in a 10 year relationship, 2 year marriage where we are of differing Christian faiths and this has impacted my decision to have children – I don’t want to until we figure this out. I love my husband and wouldn’t trade him for the world, but this is the biggest obstacle in our marriage by far. Difficulty level: one of us is the child of clergy.

    • Unconvinced

      Great question. I married a religious Catholic and was raised free of religion by my parents, who had their own interfaith marriage. Their answer was to avoid religion entirely as a topic with their own kids, which wasn’t the best approach (IMHO).

      Going into our marriage, it felt as though we had to lay a LOT of ground rules. Biggest thing was he wanted to raise our kids Catholic, which I agreed to b/c I didn’t have a formal religion of my own that I subscribed to. Most Sundays, he takes our shorties to church solo and I get a blessed 90 minutes of me time. I work in a Catholic organization, so I feel as though I get enough of the religious stuff during the week (though will go to services with him from time to time). Our kids are both baptized Catholics.

      Some of this was complicated a bit by the fact that about two years ago, I started attending a Presbyterian church that I loved — and ended up getting baptized there myself! DH was very supportive and we sometimes attend my church as a family, although I’m not a regular church-goer in general so we weigh heavily on his side in terms of attendance.

      This might be more complicated if I had strong feelings about religion, which I don’t. I do have strong feelings about how you treat people, morality, etc. and have actively chosen NOT to become “formally” Catholic — but I love my husband, he’s a Catholic, and he gets a lot of strength from his faith. It’s interesting to say the least.

      Going into it, I would be caring and flexible. It wasn’t a deal breaker for me, but you have to realize that people, opinions and circumstances can all change in the course of a relationship. It’s helped us to have open dialogue about religious issues and to stay focused on the fact that religion is one aspect of our relationship — not the be-all-end-all. It doesn’t make the person, it makes UP the person.

    • MegB

      I married someone who is the same faith I am (Catholic) and although it never was something I considered all that important, it has made things smoother in a lot of respects. Neither of us are very observant but it was a joint underpinning. We were married in the church, our kids were baptized and went through religious education in our church and it was just one thing that we always agreed on. Before marriage and kids, I would not have said sharing the same faith was something I even considered in a partner. Marriage and family are hard enough without adding additional issues. Just my 2 cents.

    • Liz

      I have experience from being the child of a Christian (believing, devout, though not very denominational) mother and an atheist father! Maybe that counts. They brought me to church with them every Sunday for quite a while and basically explained it as: even though my mom was the religious one, they had the same fundamental values. They each thought the other was a good person, regardless of religious views. So, they figured any kid who turned out like the other one would be a good kid. I’m pretty much an atheist now, and everyone is okay with this. They’ve been married for over 30 years and have never had a single fight about religion.

  9. Summers

    Let’s play what are you wearing today! I’m feeling so uninspired by my closet, I need new ideas.

    • Miss Behaved

      “The skirt” in fuschia with a navy v-neck long-sleeved top and gold flats.

    • In the pink

      white.black.purple Tahari floral quasi 1960’s print dress, purple stretch belt. black blazer. Trifari 3-strand chunky white quartz and crystal necklace, gold French back earrings, square-link gold bracelet, black pumps semi-dorsay with diagonal wide strap. watch/rings (standard)

      have my own biz so I don’t have the wardrobe strictures of Big Law et al

    • Baconpancakes

      Black and white abstract pattern sheath dress, black blazer (currently on the back of the chair), turquoise 3″ heels, oversized unpolished turquoise ring, navy, green, cubic zirconia statement necklace, gold and diamond huggie earrings.

    • Medic Maggie

      I’m sorry I won’t be able to inspire you with mine today…dark wash bootcut jeans; teal smocked-neck scoop-neck t-shirt; navy cardi; brown Ariat boots (I have field work this afternoon, too)

    • Senior Attorney

      I love this game!

      Navy Banana Republic ankle pants, navy sleeveless linen shirt with white polka dots, orange linen blazer, orange pumps with gold trim, gold bag. (I’m in So Cal and we are in a horrendous heat wave, hence all the linen!)

    • lucy stone

      Turquoise and grey polka dot sweater, grey skirt that doesn’t match and is driving me crazy, bright turquoise wedges.

    • Marie

      Pale green silk sheath from Ann Taylor with dark gray Theory suit and pearls. Burgundy shoes that looked a lot better with the outfit when I was half-asleep putting it together this morning than they actually do, unfortunately.

      This is the first time I’ve worn this suit, other than trying it on. I lost about 45 lb this year and none of my suits fit me anymore and I’ve not yet replenished because between taking the bar this summer & moving I just haven’t wanted to spend money on it. My mom is about my size and did a massive closet-cleanout earlier in the year and gave me this Theory suit and one from Banana Republic. I could probably get this tailored but it fits well enough. I’m not THRILLED about my outfit today but it is enough for what I need. I don’t have to wear suits to work often enough to make a brand new suit an immediate priority. Happy I have these hand-me-downs! :)

    • Pesh

      Dark purple (raisin colored?) zip shoulder sweater, dark skinny jeans and snakeskin pumps.

    • Nonny

      Old Anthropologie pencil skirt with a painterly design of lilies on it, cream AT shell, jade green V-neck cardigan, nude-for-me AT pumps.

    • What's in your Bag?

      Black skinny ankle pants with black pointed toe kitten heels, silver jewelry (watch, necklace, earrings), and a crisp white button front blouse tucked, topped with a slim fitting ORIOLES shirt!!! Go O’s!

    • Missk

      BR tropical suiting sheath in beige/brown (that I bought in 2011 but couldn’t wear for awhile) and the NAS Halogen moto knit sweater (turned out to be perfect non-cardigan “cardigan”)

    • Anonymous

      Tan and cream striped cardigan, navy scoop neck tee, tan skirt (actually The Skirt in Camel), with tan pumps.

    • Jules

      Black Halogen pants, peplum top with tiny pale blue and cream flowers, very old (10 years at least) but somehow not yet ruined Liz Claiborne blazer in ice blue silk, small bead earrings that look like moonstone or opal but that are plastic things bought for $1 at a street fair, Rumba Time silicone watch in pale gray (the same as Kat posted in pink a couple of months ago), dark red faux alligator, mid-heel Mary Janes.

  10. Rural Juror

    Can anyone speak to how warm Mackage wool coats are? I’m looking for a stylish but warm wool coat and had been considering a few of theirs. And, if anyone else has other wool coat suggestions under $1000 I’m all ears!

    • HnH

      I’ve only heard great things about them, but personally don’t own one because I don’t want leather trimmings. I have a Soia &Kyo coat which is their cheaper sister brand. Only ~50% wool content but the fabric construction is quality enough that my tailor who chopped the sleeves for me commented it felt like a cashmere blend. Coat construction is comparable to J Crew quality give or take. I just happen to like their style more. Also, +1 for Made in Canada. Burberry Brit can also be had for (just) under $1000.

      As for warmth, in my experience wool coats even with thinsulate are good for 40+ weather. 30’s and below would require a parka or puffer.

    • AIMS

      Can’t speak to Mackage but I just got a wool/cashmere blend Trina Turk coat that feels like it will be pretty warm. I read somewhere that wool/cashmere blend is what you want to look for in a warm coat. Haven’t verified, but maybe something to look into.

    • buffybot

      My favorite wool coat ever was Mackage — probably from about 8 years ago. It was very warm for a wool coat, but it was a textured “weave” type fabric, so perhaps heavier duty than some of their other ones. It was gorgeous and lasted many years.

    • Anonymous

      I have a Mackage coat that is very warm. The wool is very thick, both in thickness and how tightly its woven (if that makes sense). It does have leather trim, and my dry cleaner was hesitant to clean it, but I told them to go ahead and it turned out fine. The wool is also very soft and cozy. The shape of the coat is stylish and flattering. Its a great coat.

  11. anon

    I’m a regular poster but anon for this.

    I’m planning to apply to an administrative patent judge position. They’re hiring for Alexandria, Dallas, Denver, and Detroit. Teleworking is generally available after 6-9 months. I live in Atlanta with my husband and 1 year old. We cannot currently move, so I would fly to my appointed city Monday morning and fly back to Atlanta Friday night. I essentially don’t see my family these days of the week anyway given my current insane work schedule.

    Which city would be easiest for this arrangement? I’m leaning towards Dallas due to the time zone difference. Which city will be easiest to navigate without a car? Which would be cheapest to find temporary housing?

    Am I crazy for considering this? It’s basically my dream job. It’s a serious long shot since I don’t have many years of experience but I have the right experience and background and they’re hiring a lot. I just have to pick a city when I apply (or I may submit an application to every city if all are feasible.) Thanks for any insight.

    • Anonymous

      Really? Your dream job involves leaving your husband and baby behind for a year? When you have options for gainful employment in the city where you live now? Yeah. I’m voting crazy.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think so- if anon can lean in and her husband is supportive, why is it any different than the myriad of men who essentially do the same thing? She’s clearly thought it through, as teleworking is available after 6-9 months, which isn’t ALL that long.

        Original poster- I have no comments on cities for the arrangement, but I think it’s great that you’re going for it.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t know a myriad of men who leave their one year olds for any amount of time when they don’t have to, actually, and I would give them the same advice.

          • anon

            But I don’t actually see them more than 15-30 minutes a day right now. Standard big law hours. And this won’t change unless I find another job.

          • BB

            This is the life of Every. Single. Man. I knew in top tier consulting back in my former life. And no, it was not the same for every woman. Some of them did it, but most of them would lean back a bit, try to get sub-optimal cases without travel or try to figure out some remote-working situation half the week. I did not see any of the men doing this.

          • LH

            Yep, most guys in consulting do this. And I know tons of guys in law that would jump at a similar opportunity that involved some short term long distance.

        • Diana Barry

          Ditto. Particularly if her current schedule doesn’t allow her to see them during the week anyway. I would think of it like a deployment.

          OP, I would make SURE that teleworking will be an option (after you get the job of course).

          • hoola hoopa

            My thoughts exactly.

            Glad you’re getting such great thoughts below.

      • Kensington

        She is gainfully employed but not actually seeing her family on weekdays. Switching to a job that offers teleworking sounds much better in the long haul.

        A friends dad did something similar. He was gone for most of the week when they were little and was able to switch to teleworking. He was much more present than most working parents get to be – even compared to people with 9-5 jobs.

      • mk

        Just think about all of our servicemen and women.

        There are many different careers that involve spending time away from your children.

    • Anonymous

      Atlanta to Detroit is going to be your easiest direct flight because they’re both Delta hubs.

      On the other factors you mention, I can only speak to Dallas–you will need a car. The cost of housing will vary hugely by what part of the city you’re looking in. Do you know where the office is? If you need to be close to downtown and don’t want a long commute, you’re looking at at least $1500/mo for short-term furnished in a reasonably safe and clean area (ie, you won’t have drunks with knives camping outside your door like one of my former coworkers did in his extended stay). If it’s in North Dallas or the northern suburbs, you could go under $1000.

    • Bonnie

      Detroit had a good airport but you would need a car there. However, cost of living is low so renting a car could still make sense. You would definitely need a car to get around Dallas as well. I’d suggest researching which airports have the most direct, reasonably-priced flights.

      Assuming you mean Alexandria, VA, the area is easily navigable without a car but housing costs will be much higher.

      • pickle

        Housing and dining costs will be higher in Alexandria. Even groceries cost more in DC than in other cities.

      • Missk

        I’ve stayed across the street from the PTO and the court there (there is a lovely long term stay hotel there), and I don’t know about getting from the airport to Alexandria, but once you’re there, you won’t need a car. The area is quite lovely!

        Also, go for it!! You really don’t get to spend time with baby now anyway, and it’s your dream job!

        • Anon

          As long as you could get flights into DCA (rather than IAD) it’s incredibly easy to get to the PTO and the court from the airport. It’s two stops on the Metro from DCA to King Street, and then a short walk from King Street to the PTO and court. It would be very convenient.

        • Other

          Ditto to a great area! I work near there, and you’d be able to easily metro from DCA to the neighborhood (King Street Metro). You could even do Dulles to King Street on public transportation, but it would take a lot longer. It is expensive, but it’s a fun, walkable area, and Old Town Alexandria has great shops/restaurants.

        • a.k.

          Housing costs in Alexandria will be high but the other costs will be relatively low, because you should be able to live really close to work. As others mentioned, it’s super-easy to get from the patent office to National Airport. Flights to Atlanta are plentiful – usually every 90 minutes or less. I travel a lot for work and if I have to connect, I prefer Atlanta because there are multiple backup flights in case of delays. Also, it’s a very short flight, and relatively inexpensive if your family wanted to come and visit you for a few days.

    • Medic Maggie

      I can really only speak to the cities themselves–I have not ever been in a position to consider basically leaving during the work week to return home on weekends–that’s just not something that my industry does.

      Alexandria is a great city. Definitely do-able without a car. Definitely not cheap, but I also don’t know what kind of price you’re looking for. A lot of it depends, I’m sure, on where in the city it’s located/how close to your work. (Also, ATL to IAD is generally under $200 RT)

      Denver is also a great city, but I think it would be nearly impossible to do without a car.

      And, despite what I am reading about inner-city Detroit coming back to be a pretty neat city, I wouldn’t think of living there for the next 30 years. Let it come back.

    • Anonymous

      I live in Denver and have to say, not Denver. The airport is a really far from the city center (45 – 1 hour in traffic) and it’s really hard to find places to rent here right now. Everyone is moving here and rents are going up like crazy. They’re building 40,000 new apartments this year to try and keep up with the demand. I love Denver but I wouldn’t suggest it for your situation.

      • ArenKay

        Second Denverite here, and I agree with this. No rental vacancies, airport out in the middle of nowhere (though they’re building a light rail line straight to downtown), and it’s your classic sprawled Western city. I love Denver, but this would be hard.

    • Denveranon

      You’ll want a car in Denver. You could probably patch it together with cabs to/from the airport (expensive, long ride) and public transport, depending on where you live/work, but it won’t be super convenient. The vast majority of people have cars. Housing costs vary widely depending on location, but there are plenty of moderately priced options available.

    • LH

      Alexandria seems easiest to me – same time zone, the airport is right there, the flight is short, etc. Denver would be a pretty lengthy flight and the 2 hour time change twice a week could get exhausting. I’d also think Alexandria is easiest to do without a car. Good for you for chasing what sounds like a fantastic job opportunity. 6 or even 9 months of long distance is a small price to pay for years of getting to work in an interesting and flexible position (says the person who has been long distance with my husband on and off for 5 years because of both our careers – the judgy anons can shut it. And no, no one would ever tell a man to turn town an amazing opportunity like this that involved some very short term inconvenience).

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Agreed. I don’t know where in Alexandria exactly you’d be, but I’m assuming it’s probably walking distance from the metro stop. Plus, if you can fly into National (or Reagan or whatever they’re calling it these days) instead of Dulles, it’s super close. It is a high cost of living, especially if you’re coming from Atlanta, but it’s a nice city.

    • cbackson

      Getting from Atlanta to Dallas by plane is pricey, because DFW isn’t a Delta hub.

    • anon

      Original anon here. Great, advice everyone! This is exactly the perspectives I needed.

      • Anon for this

        FYI, my husband just interviewed for one of these APJ positions in a satellite city. If you get an interview you will have to fly to Alexandria on your own dime. The interview is very hard–a panel of three judges will grill you about the AIA and Supreme Court cases. They will ask about your litigation experience (e.g., how many depositions, trials, etc.). My husband didn’t get the job, and he thinks it’s because he didn’t have enough years of experience (6 years). Most of the people they hire are partner level and have over 10 years of experience. Just make sure you have realistic expectations going into this.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          This is also a good reminder to newer lawyers to start keeping records tallying up what they have done. My state requires judge applicants to list all trials, including who was opposing counsel. That is hard to remember 10 years later if you weren’t keeping track. I don’t think I could answer off the top of my head how many depos I have done. Taking or defending? I’d really have to dig to get an accurate, exact answer.

          For even younger posters, keep track of your addresses (even dorms) and roommates/neighbors because you will need this info if you ever have a serious background check!

          • Senior Attorney

            +1 for this. Especially about the details of your trials, and not only trials but significant cases — particularly those in which you had a good relationship with the other players (judge, opposing counsel). If you think there’s the tiniest possibility you might want to be on the bench some day, keep track of your cases, including case number, court, general subject matter of the case (you think you’ll remember but you may not), who you represented, exactly what your role was, names of opposing counsel and the judge, and the outcome (again, you think you’ll remember but it’s good to have the exact outcome in writing in your file).

          • cavity maker

            +1 this is also really important for board certification (state) in areas of law in my state!

          • Brit

            Yes to the list of addresses and roommates! I had to have one done about a year ago and I was very lucky my dad also had to keep one for his job because we moved A LOT when I was kid.

        • anon

          Oh, thank you for chiming in. I don’t even have that much experience. But I do have an electrical engineering background including work experience, court, patent litigation (IPRs, district court) and patent prosecution (filing, office actions, appeals) experience, so I’m willing to give it a shot. I’ll just keep applying every time they post the opening, lol.

    • Anon

      This is not as uncommon as it seems. My husband travels for work and is 100% gone for 6 months out of the year . He leaves for 2 1/2 to 3 months at a time, during which we don’t necessarily have phone contact or internet contact. This is a permanent situation for his type of work, and we plan on having kids. We’ve been doing this lifestyle for 5 years and ya know what? You figure it out.

      I say go for it. You might be pleasantly surprised. I’d vote for quick, cheap direct flights- Alexandria makes sense to me.

    • FormerPhotog

      You’ll need to rent a car for any of those cities. ATL-DTW is easy. They probably have the least expensive housing.

      It does get really cold and bad weather in the winter, so that may be something to consider. They do have a pretty vibrant and growing food and art culture, too – I really loved Detroit, surprisingly

  12. Anonymous

    TJ: i have a silk Trina Turk shell with elastic at the bottom hem – i believe she makes the same shirt in different patterns for every season – the elastic makes me nuts and causes the shell to puff oddly. Being silk, is this aomething relatively easy a tailor could remove and if so, does anyone have any DC recommendations (I’m in NW).

  13. Subtle Issues

    Thissite really made me think yesterday when someone made the comment that in offices where two week vacations are not the norm, people from other countries have trouble travelling across the world for just a week.

    Are there any other subtleties like this I should be aware of? Thanks for opening my eyes, guys.

    • anon

      Vacation subtleties? Subtleties in office life in general? Not sure what you are asking….

  14. Other

    Shopping challenge for the outdoor minded women. I need a winter coat, but can’t spend a fortune on it. Ideally, I’d like something that is functional (i.e., is actually warm enough to use for random East coast skiing trips, which will likely be infrequent over the next few years), but can be worn with jeans/casual weekend clothing around town and look cute (not like a blob, i.e., my current 10 yr old ski jacket). I live in DC, so it’s not as cold as some climates, but we do get cold, sleety, rainy winters. I’d love to spend under $200 – is this possible?!

  15. anon for this

    TJ for interviewing other people for the job you want

    I applied for a job in my organization that would be a stretch, but for which I had solid encouragement that I was/am a strong candidate for. The senior leadership in the organization have stonewalled my candidacy. My colleagues, for whom the position would be their supervisor/manager, are all aghast that I’m not being interviewed.

    On Thursday & Friday, we are interviewing two candidates for the position. I’ve seen their resumes, and they both look pretty strong, but they also have some yellow flags. As a part of the full-day interview process, our department gets an opportunity to talk to and ask questions of the candidates.

    I am trying very hard to remain professional. I’ve asked my colleagues to be professional, as well, because one of these two people could be our boss very shortly. I’m also having a gut check moment that what I really want to do is completely undermine both of them such that there is no way that either one would be offered to or accept any offer that was made.

    How do you handle those kinds of seriously unprofessional impulses? Just staying home from work for the next two days is tempting but not really an option.

    • Anonymous

      I tell whoever is organizing that since I also applied I feel I have a conflict of interest and am not an appropriate person to conduct the interviews. And then don’t.

      And if that’s not a possibility I give both of them only an extremely factual review. Candidate A has 7 years experience in xyz. Candidate B had more experience in y, less in z.

      • anon for this OP

        I tried to beg off, for just that reason. Since I’m the senior person in the department, leadership was very clear that missing it would be considered highly detrimental to the process and my standing.

        Even sitting here typing this, I’m almost in tears. This was/is a job I want. I’m pretty sure based on the feedback I’ve received to date, I will never be seriously considered for it. Advancing in my career means leaving an organization that I otherwise genuinely am proud to work for, and will probably mean having to leave a community that I’ve given almost 2 decades to.

        • Anon

          Ugh, this is rough. Do you know why they won’t consider you for the job? It seems somewhat relevant to your approach in the interviews.

          I think you can be extremely factual in your reviews. To the extent that there are nonfactual assessments (i.e., bad fit), let your colleagues articulate those. It’s not unprofessional to note that there are deficiencies in leadership, or odd character issues, or poor fit issues. Don’t be so eager to be professional that you inadvertently obscure legitimate issues with respect to these candidates.

          Also, I do think you’re right that you’ll need to leave your organization. While change is so hard, it’s also pretty empowering. There’s a job for you waiting out there with people who won’t stonewall you and who will embrace your skills! Don’t stay in an organization that has effectively told you that there’s no future.

        • Anon

          This really stinks, but I think you need to truly stop and process that you are not a candidate for this position and behave accordingly. They told you that you weren’t the right fit, so accept that you are not competing with anyone they bring in. That decision was made.

          For what it’s worth, it may be that neither of these candidates will be right either. I think it’s OK to point out any yellow flags, so long as you are fair and truthful. If they aren’t the right fit though, that doesn’t mean you will advance accordingly. It will most likely mean that one will still be hired or others will be brought in for consideration. It’s frustrating, and I know it’s hard not to be self-focused, but their success or failure in moving into the position truly is something completely outside of your own career movement and desires at this point. I would take senior leadership at its word. You’re out of the running.

          That said, I would try to see what skills they think are needed and assess if you are able to gain them where you are or would be better off getting the experience elsewhere and then work on doing it. If you see lack of advancement as a bigger cultural issue, then start seeing what your external options are. I hate to say it, but I think there also can be a bias against internal advancement sometimes because folks get stuck on limited perceptions or politics involved. When you have a lot of experience somewhere, you bring the benefit of knowing how things work– but also the baggage of others unfairly seeing you in a limited role within these workings.”But you’re are the go-to for managing X, that must mean you can only manage X.” Or “What would co-worker X think if Y were made their supervisor?”

          Someone outside comes with a clean slate. They seem flashy and new and full of possibilities. It really stinks, but sometimes the hiring team has to learn the hard way that new doesn’t always mean improved.

        • mk

          This seriously sucks. I’ve been through some similar only less intense and left the organization. It meant moving to another part of the country to advance in my field. It was a really hard decision but I’m so glad I made the move. I didn’t realize how much being stuck in my previous situation was stressing me out. I feel so much happier and more challenged now.

          I think that you need to take a hard look at the situation, accept that it’s not going to change and decide whether you are happy remaining in your current role indefinitely or if it’s time for you to move on. For what it’s worth, I strongly suggest moving on.

        • Maizie

          This is tough, but I second the suggestions to stay factual (I’d say “emotionally neutral”). I’d also take a deep breath and be as gracious as possible. Plan some kind of after-the-interview reward for getting through this tough experience and keep reminding yourself, while it’s happening, that being able to stay calm through difficult circumstances is a wonderful skill for your toolbox.

    • lucy stone

      This happened to me two years ago (gov’t). I rode it out, was courteous to the person who was hired, and now have that job. Be professional, but factually point out any skills they are lacking “This person has no experience with X, which is 50% of the job.” “This person indicated they don’t know COBOL, which is necessary to manage our database.”

  16. Wildkitten

    Does GAP carry talls in the store? I am in need of some inexpensive jeans.

    ETA – they have a function where you can “reserve in store” and they are not in any stores here.

    • MJ

      Not very many, and likely not in anything but jeans, unless the items have been returned from online purchases. And not above Size 12 in jeans. You’re better off ordering online.

      FWIW, I am a Tall, and I get all my jeans at Gap. They look cute until they stretch out and then I get new ones. I also buy in multiples once I find a cut I like, because they pull cuts relatively quickly.

      Be careful that there is L (regular) and ExtraLong (XL/T). They are two different inseams for certain cuts, usually corresponding to approximately 34 and 36.

  17. LB

    I am taking my FIRST deposition next week (gulp!). A while back, someone here had posted a link to several helpful videos and/or training materials on how to take depositions. Anyone know what I am referring to? Or if you anyone has any other advice on resources to utilize (or general advice), please let me know. Thanks!!

  18. Survey Time

    Is anyone else having really bad allergies right now? I’m in the Northeast, fwiw.

  19. New New New

    TJ – long time lurker here. I recently got out of a long term relationship that wasn’t abusive, but definitely not healthy. Because we have been together since freshman year of undergrad, through grad school and several years afterwards, our social circles are very much the same. I moved to a new city and have a new (dream) job, but I find myself lonely. Do you have any suggestions for making new friends in a new city? I can’t reach out to my old friends because the people who I thought were my friends have taken ex’s side in the breakup. FB is also out because my job has a social media contract that makes FB a headache to have. Any and all suggestions would be welcome, as someone who has been a part of the same social circle for the past 8-9 years, I find it hard to find another group of friends – the kind you have inside jokes with and can tease each other and all the great stuff that close friendships usually have :)

    • Miss Behaved

      Where are you located? I’m sure someone on this site would be happy to meet you for a drink…

    • hoola hoopa

      I found myself in a very similar situation at about the same time in my life. My suggestion is to give it time and to fill the time while you wait. I liked taking classes through the arts center and community college, but a sports group (running group, dodgeball team, Team in Training, etc) or volunteer organization (local animal shelter, junior league, Rotary, etc) and many other options (alumni groups, etc) may suit your interests better. I personally didn’t end up meeting friends that way, but it kept me busy until I did (though neighbors, work, etc) at least. It took about 3-5 years, but I did establish another really great set of friends with the same level of familiarity. You will, too. GL!

      • Senior Attorney

        I was in a similar position during and after my recent divorce, even though I lived in the same town and had the same friends. My social circle had shrunk, largely because of my problematic husband, and I needed to expand it.

        I looked all around and the thing that really did it for me was Rotary. I had to try a lot of things that didn’t work, but Rotary has kept me busy with meaningful service work and in addition I have met some people who are on their way to becoming good, close friends.

        Also, the gym. I take classes and tend to see the same people, and I started reaching out and asking people for coffee, or offering that extra theatre ticket, and they responded and now several of them are friends as well.

        It’s a process but it will happen.

    • anon

      Don’t overlook work – I found that to be the easiest place to make adult friends.

    • frequent mover

      meetup.com – I’ve met a few folks there (including my boyfriend)
      alumni events for your college
      trivia night at a local bar
      People tend to become friends with folks they see regularly so attending a weekly event regularly may be your best bet. I also recommend the book “MWF seeks BFF”. The author moved to a new city and set out to create a new social circle. She tried of a variety of strategies with mixed success. What I got out of it was 1) a few ideas on meeting new people and 2) a reminder that this is hard for everyone (a great reminder for my morale).

  20. New New New

    Thanks, Hoola Hoopla and Senior Attorney. It’s amazing the impact a single person can have on your life even when they’re no longer in it. You’ve both given me hope :) I think I’ll look into some volunteer organizations!

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