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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 244 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Gingham Shirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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gingham shirt for workOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Red Fleece has some great sales going on right now, albeit mostly on summer items. This gingham shirt strikes me as a lovely, feminine take on a masculine staple. Even though I usually think of teal as a happy, bright, spring color, I'd wear this now, layered under darker colors and heavier layers such as a pullover sweater or cardigan (ooh, or sweater vest plus blazer). The blouse is $37.50 (was $75), with a few sizes left in the pink version as well. Brooks Brothers Red Fleece Gingham Shirt Here's a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Basically trash

    I missed yesterday’s thread about looking professional while commuting in cold weather, and I’m going to echo the sentiments of those who said “dress warmly and don’t worry about looking professional.” But I get it, I took the commuter rail and subway to mu first job out of college, in the winter, and I did worry about not looking “work ready” the second I came into the door, and it seemed like the older women on the train were throwing shade at me for choosing warmth over style. But would you rather be warm and have some nasty women possibly judge you for it, or be cold and miserable?

    That said, I’m always looking to polish up my style in the winter. Every fall I say I’m gonna upgrade my hats, scarves, gloves, etc. and buy a new, deep red coat, and then other purchases seem to take priority each year. I may never forgive myself for missing out on that Winterberry Tart Coat at ModCloth this year . . .

    • Wildkitten

      BT, I realize this is a *me* issues and not a *you* issue, but your handle always makes me concerned about you.

      • Basically trash

        concerned about my self esteem or concerned that I don’t really belong here?

        • Anonymous

          I think anyone belongs here, or is welcome here – it’s an internet forum. You calling yourself “basically trash” is concerning. Maybe you’re not calling yourself that though and it refers to something or someone else!

          • Basically trash

            I got into a heated argument with some regulars here a couple weeks ago, mostly due to a misunderstanding, but it was made clear that I was a garbage person so I decided to own it a little. and I was afraid if I kept commenting with the old handle people would say things like “why are you still here? we don’t like you, go away!”

          • anonymous

            People on here are really terrible about having discussions about some particular issues, I have noticed. It’s very unfortunate.

          • Anonymous

            What a childish, passive aggressive way to react. Some conversation from weeks ago is still on your mind every time you comment?

          • Anon

            Seriously having this much of a reaction to an internet argument would make me worried about how you react to other things in your life!

        • Ellen

          Yay! Fruegel Friday’s@ I love Fruegel Friday’s and this Gingham shirt from Brook’s Brothers–it look’s so Farmlike, especialy from Brook’s Brothers! YAY!

          As for the OP, I agree with Wildkitten and other’s that ALL OF US PROFESIONAL women belong on this website b/c we all have alot to say. I think she is concerned with your “handle” (“Basically Trash”) because it sound’s like you are makeing a statement that you think other’s are better then you. NOTHING can be furher from the truth. You are a young lady trying to make it in this cold harsh male dominated working world, and you have reservation’s. But guess what? So do all of us, and you should never suggest you are trash, b/c you are a human being. End of Story. My dad of royal heritage (according to Grandma Leyeh) married mom even tho Grandma Leyeh said she came from peasant stock, and that led to me and Rosa, who are all doeing very well! So I do NOT agree with those that would hold themselves above us b/c of our history. FOOEY on them. We are what we are and our history makes us what we are, but we are free to go as far as the wind can take us, Mom says. YAY!!!

          I am working on my bonus buck’s today from the manageing partner. At this point, I have accumuleated 63 hours that I can apply and have more to go today, b/c I am prepareing 3 brief’s to submit for argument on Tuesday. In the holiday spirit, I granted a claimant an EXTENSION of 1 week to reply to my brief, b/c his counsel needed more time to study my arguements. I think that sometime’s we experts have to be nice to those less familiar in this area, b/c most of them are clueless and if we can be nice b/f the judge slam’s them, then that is a good thing! YAY!!!!!

          I am prepareing for a holiday party this afternoon, and swear I will NOT eat anything b/c my tuchus is already busting out of my royal blue suit. FOOEY!

        • Anonymous

          Concerned because “trash” is a hideous and dehumanizing insult and I find it jarring and upsetting every time I see it.

          • Basically . . . something else?

            Sorry! I didn’t mean to upset anyone! I didn’t realize it would get such a negative connotation.

      • Anonymous

        I always thought it was a reference to what was on her desk, because some people commented and suggested looking at your desk and using the first thing you see as your handle…

    • Anonymous

      BT – to your 9.36 comment: There’s mean girls everywhere, and they are here too. Sometimes some regulars think this is their playground, but it’s not. You are just as welcome here, and don’t let anyone think less of yourself. I think it’s time for a new handle or to go back to your old one!

      • Anonymous

        +1 There are a lot of regular readers here who are disgusted by some of the “regulars” who think of themselves as the queen bees. The loudest voices are far from the only ones around!

      • Blue ink pens

        Yes! It took me awhile to realize that while a lot if the comments here are thoughtful, respectful, and interesting, you have to weed out the BS.

        I relate to a good portion of the commenters I see, but there is a good chunk of people that just aren’t for me.

        I was surprised at first by the cattiness of professional women but that’s life.

        And remember, the fact that some people participate so actively on a blog gives you some hints about their professional life. I know, I’m the pot right now, because I’m commenting! But someone pointed that out once, and it makes sense.

      • Wildkitten

        No, my concern is if she thinks of herself as “basically trash.” Everyone is worthy and worthwhile nobody is trash. I don’t know if that’s what she’s saying with her handle but it gives me pause every time.

        • Anonymous

          She explained above it was tongue in cheek because other people here had called her a garbage person. Get a grip. And before you suggest it: no, she doesn’t need anti-depressants or therapy.

    • Anon

      BT, you gave a very useful response to one of my comments a week or so ago and, while your handle did cause me to start at first, I quickly assumed it was meant ironically and was actually pretty amused by it. I am a pretty cynical person, though, so I appreciated it :)

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      To get back to the subject of coats for a minute, if you’re looking for a non-black winter coat, I’ve found the Funnel Neck Coat at Old Navy to be surprisingly warm – I bought it for the color, and figured it’d be a good transitional jacket, but I found myself being able to wear it on okay days pretty much all winter in the Northeast. (Technically, I have last year’s version of this coat – the button closure is slightly different – but I’ve checked out this year’s in the store and am confident they’re basically the same coat.)

      It’s not going to cut it when it’s freezing, but on “regular” winter days (say, 20ish+), I’ve found it to be warm enough for commuting, especially when paired with a nice thick scarf and a good hat and gloves, and I get tons of compliments on the look of it. Basically, if it’s too cold for my Old Navy coat, it’s time for my puffer, and at that point anyone throwing shade for a puffer coat is an idiot (who is probably freezing) and they can stuff it, as far as I’m concerned.

  2. Boden restock?

    Does Boden often restock items? I got a pair of their skinnie minnie pants a few months ago, and I want them in black now – but they are sold out of my size. Should I keep checking back or is it a goner?

    • MJ

      They tend to restock a few times a year, but not every style…like their Bretons will be around year-round. Some dresses no. I would just keep checking. It’s sort of a pain, but their stuff does reappear.

    • Runner 5

      They don’t restock as such, but things come back into stock as people return things – especially as they’re entirely mail order so people ordering two or more sizes is normal.

  3. honest question

    How often do you have mean/snobby thoughts about any aspect of how other women look? And what kind of mean thoughts do they tend to be, and why do you think you have them? Has this changed over time? I’m really curious about this.

    • Anonymous

      If we are being honest I think snobby thoughts if a person looks unpolished and frazzled. Frizzy hair, frumpy clothes etc. and if we are being really really honest I also have snobby thoughts if they are terribly overweight on top of the above. I’m not perfect in any way so this is probably reflective of how hard I also am on myself. I never think it abt things like make-up / no make-up skin issues, if shoes or bag are designer, etc.

    • anon

      I have unkind thoughts about how a particular colleague looks every time I see her. She is in a senior outward-facing role, and her sloppy, unprofessional attire, inappropriate hemlines, refusal to wear camisoles and slips when necessary, poor grooming, and obnoxious behavior reflect poorly on our organization, and by extension on me whenever I have to work with her in front of clients or external stakeholders. It’s not a gender thing, however. I think similar things about a couple of male colleagues who have similar issues.

      • Alana

        I have similar thoughts when I know that a person has the money to buy appropriate clothes and pay for regular grooming sessions. I am more forgiving of people who do not appear to have the money to do so.

        • anon

          But it does not cost that much money to wash your hair and shave on a regular basis.

          • Alana

            Right, the comment was more in reference to ill-fitting clothes. I figure that even someone who is hard to fit with $$$ can go to a department store for help from a stylist and a tailor. Other people do not have as much money to spend when their body changes.

          • anon

            Because when I am meeting with Big Important People and the guy I brought with me didn’t bother to shave or wash his hair, it makes it look like our organization doesn’t take the project or the Big Important People seriously.

          • Anonymous

            EXACTLY! We are paid to project a certain image in many cases so we should represent our organization in a manner that looks like we care about ourselves.

    • Basically trash

      I’ll admit, sometimes. If I go to a show at a nice theater, or a swing dance, and I see outfits that are wildly inappropriate or out of place, I might have some judgmental thought like “why is she wearing that?” It’s natural! We all have an idea of what’s appropriate for different occasions, and while no one should be nitpicky, we’ve all noticed an outfit that’s so outside of our perceived norms that we think “what was she thinking?”

      But I try not to let it make me grumpy, I try not to stare, and I try not to let it impact how I interact with that person. I let myself have that thought for a moment, then try to drop it and think of something more positive. Either I’m in a position to take someone aside and explain why their outfit is inappropriate, or it’s none of my business! Passive-aggressive comments or behavior, or giving people *that look* (I can’t describe it, but you know what I mean, we’ve all gotten it at some point), isn’t a valid option for grown women.

      If I simply must go on some salty rant about someone’s outfit, or how people are dressed, I wait until I’ve left the event and I’m somewhere private, like in the car or hotel room.

    • cbackson

      Basically never. The only time in the last few months that I remember having a negative thought about what another woman was wearing was when I saw a woman in the elevator lobby wearing heels so high that she absolutely could not walk normally, and what I thought about was how awkward/unconfident she looked trying to walk in them. And then I was worried that she would fall.

    • Monday

      Good, tough question.

      Increasingly, I get judgmental but also feel sorry for women or girls who look like they’re uncomfortable or took great pains to look a certain way. Eg thick makeup, super high heels, really tight clothes, heavily processed hair. I also respond really negatively to obvious fillers and Botox. I feel they get in the way of my reading the person’s expression. (I also don’t like antipathy toward aging or looking my own age.) I realize this is totally my issue and not theirs.

      I still sometimes catch myself comparing my body to other women’s. It can be especially hard when everyone is wearing leggings and tank tops.

      –flawed human, posting under my regular handle

      • Anonymous

        I judge on too much makeup, plastic surgery, other “trying too hard” things. Like, Kim K. Is 1Million times prettier without 200# makeup on. And I think plastic surgery almost always makes things worse. Like I literally want to deflate lips, rip off fake eyelashes and shout, “you are beautiful the way you are, stop conforming to some ridiculous ideal that you think society is imposing on you. Seriously, jeans, tshirt, nice shoes, minimal makeup is so much sexier.

    • Anonymous

      Basically never. I honestly never really notice another women’s appearance unless it’s to notice that I like an item of clothing she’s wearing or, more likely, her handbag. I’m far from perfect and I definitely have lots of negative thoughts about other people, including women, but I just really don’t notice appearance that much.

    • Anon

      I am totally guilty of this on a spectrum of areas (frumpy, overly-revealing, etc.). I started mentally checking myself in an attempt to correct his behavior. If I catch myself having thoughts such as this, I challenge myself as to determine where they are coming from – am I jealous, is the person’s appearance actually harmful/offensive/inappropriate, or am I just being snobby. I also force myself to think something nice about that person, or at a minimum accept that I don’t know them and they are probably a perfectly lovely individual.

      • Sheepie

        +1
        I have judgemental thoughts about other women, mainly regarding frumpiness, too sexy clothes, etc. I can’t help it, but I can be self aware of it. So when I catch myself thinking those things, I mentally tell myself, “That isn’t nice” and make myself notice something nice about the person. She’s got great shoes, or she’s got a great smile, great hair. Stuff like that.

        • emeralds

          Yup. I think a certain level of being judgmental, or having a “Wait WHAT?” reaction, is part of the human condition for many of us. But you get a choice of what you do in response.

    • Trish

      I am horrified by the too casual and/or too sexy clothes worn in criminal court here in South Florida. Anything from yoga type pants and cheap cardigans to tight, twill, short skirts, stripper pumps, and too tight white blouses before the judge. It is inappropriate, end of story. When I was a PD, I bought my black interview suit at a garage sale for 6 bucks and another (designer) suit at a thrift store for maybe 10 dollars.

          • anon

            Eeek! I have seen similar things on prosecutors and defense attorneys in limited jurisdiction courts in other states, but never general jurisdiction.

    • All the time.

      And about men too. And you know what? Often, I will have judgy thoughts about the very same things that I also do!

      • Anonymous

        I think we’re a lot more likely to notice things on other people that we also do ourselves, or at least worry about doing/being.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, not all that frequently. I do pay attention to appearance, but usually only on the positive.

      When people look run down, or whatever, I tend to think “oh, they had a hard day” , or I glaze over them entirely unnoticed, which I guess is bad in it’s own way, but they just form the background noise of life. I don’ think that being put together and polished is the norm.

      On the other side, I 100% notice women who look amazingly polished and on point and think “TELL ME YOUR SECRETS! WHAT IS THE MAGIC YOU POSSESS??”

      Same thing with bodies, I don’t notice the overweight or whatever people, they’re just living their lives, I only pay attention to the ones with slamming bodies and I think “is that all genetic? If not, what’s your workout plan, so I can get on it”.

      • sames

        haha, i sort of do this too. i find “style icons” (people whose outfits are particularly awesome) during my commute, and think about ways that I can use what i have in my closet to remake the really awesome outfit. a few times i have actually complimented people on the train, like “i really like your coat, where is it from?” …. it really creeps people out #sorrynotsorry

        • profmama

          Got a compliment on my scarf the other day on the train, and it totally made my day! Keep doing it!

    • Runner 5

      I admit to having mean thoughts about women who turn up at the gym in full make up and perfect hair. Mainly because I’m jealous that they have time to do proper grooming twice in one day when I can barely do it once!

      • Anonymous

        I also judge them because I think it would be uncomfortable to sweat with layers of makeup on, my skin feels icky just thinking about it.

        • Another anonymous

          Yes. It’s gross. If I arrive at the gym with makeup on, I wash it off before I start exercising.

      • Runner 5

        (To clarify, I mean first thing in the morning – if you’re coming to the gym from somewhere else it’s only natural to have been fully dressed and groomed!)

        • emeralds

          I saw someone like this coming into the 6:30am barre class yesterday. 6:30am!! My immediate thought was, dang, really, she woke up 15 minutes early to put on a full coat of makeup that she’s gonna sweat right off? But then, she can make whatever choices bring her happiness and get her out of the door feeling good about herself.

      • Anonymous

        I have a friend who does this. Turns out she airbrushes her makeup in the morning and usually doesn’t have time to take it off. It stays on fine so she doesn’t mind.

        Me, I’m lucky if I put on moisturizer this morning.

    • CPA Lady

      I notice everything. Ill fitting, frumpy, chipped nail polish, grown out roots, everything. I don’t necessarily judge, but I notice. I notice all the same things about myself too.

      I used to be a lot more judgmental about it, partly because my mother was always judgmental, so I was trained to notice everything and partly because I came from a private school background that stressed being appropriately and neatly dressed as a sign of respect for yourself and others.

      I’ve gotten more compassionate as I’ve gotten older, just because I’ve had some life experiences that have been sort of humbling. Nothing major, just stuff like having a toddler and working a lot of overtime and just having a hard time staying as polished as I’d like. Plus we all have different priorities and financial situations, which I try to keep in mind.

      • Anonymous

        And, perhaps, because you’ve learned that chipped nail polish has nothing to do with your respect for yourself or others, and defining women’s value in such a way is hideously offensive and demeaning? Maybe?

        • Anonymous

          I don’t feel like this response is justified. This thread asked for honesty and CPA Lady responded with it. She acknowledged where her bias/judgment comes from and how she has changed over time. I appreciate her honesty.

          I also relate to this a lot. My mom is similar in her judgments and I was raised with a focus on outward appearances. There was definitely a mindset that no matter what was going on in her life, a woman should pull it together and put on a front by maintaining her appearance, her home’s appearance, and her children’s appearances. Maybe it’s a southern thing? I don’t think so, but it may contribute. I think this attitude is changing (I know I haven’t adopted it with regard to others, but I still hold myself to it), but sometimes I feel it even from the younger generation when I go home.

          • New England Mother

            No, not only a southern thing. I struggled for a long time to identify why I was/am as judgmental as I am, but as I grow older I think a lot of it has to do with having a mother much like yours, based on your description. It’s a flaw, and we all have them, so I continue to work on it.

        • Trish

          One day of chipped nail polish means you are way busier than you planned to be! But, really, if you know you aren’t going to take care of your nails, then why paint them in the first place? When I am busy, I go with clear because I KNOW they will be chipped, defeating the purpose of painting them a pretty color.

          • Anonymous

            One day of chipped nail polish means I’m human. Not any busier than I planned, I just don’t really care about nail polish perfection. I bother to do my nails because if is pretty and makes me happy.

          • Anona

            On the other hand, if I chip my nail polish at work I am definitely not going to run out and get a manicure asap. Having chipped nail polish isn’t unhealthy or a huge eyesore or anything, so it’s not something I prioritize.

          • Trish

            Oh, really, I am not talking about a chip on one nail or two. I am talking about the look where you did your nails yourself three weeks ago and there is almost more bare nail than color at this point. It just really looks trashy. And distracting. If you are representing a client in court, you are doing them no favor.

    • Bonnie

      Not really mean or snobby thoughts but I do frequently mentally make over people during my commute. Especially people who wear clothing that is significantly too big or too small.

    • Regular anon

      I honestly judge weight pretty hard, partly because I used to research it and partly because I put a lot of effort into looking good. I especially judge those who ask for my advice (which I’m happy to give) and then they don’t take any of it to heart.

        • Anonymous

          Oh and fun fact? I’m fat and I put effort into looking good. “Good” does not require meeting some self righteous judgmental brat on the commuterrails misogyonistic standards of acceptable female form.

          • emeralds

            Christ, cosign (although in case it makes the OP take me more seriously, I am not fat. because fat people are barely human and can never look good, amirite. also if they don’t get magically thin after hearing your advice they are failures.*). Also, I would be super interested to know what “research” you did on weight that led you to these conclusions.

            *not my actual beliefs.

          • Anonymous

            Right? Like, anyone who has actually done research would surely have learned that nearly everyone fails at losing weight and even those who do nearly always regain it, and that if you’re trying to lose more than vanity weight you fave an extremely uphill battle for reasons medicine doesn’t fully understand.

          • different anonymous

            I dislike the way it seems like Regular Anon stands by her judging, but I think her stance on advice is reasonable. If you’re not able to follow it, what does it help you to get advice from that person again? If you become able to follow it later, you still have the knowledge. Anyway, to be clear, I don’t think there’s something wrong with people who can’t lose weight. And I’m someone who has been in great shape all my life.

          • A.non

            Well, isn’t it clear that many of the people here have narrow ideas as to what an acceptable body is and current or former eating disorders?

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, I try not to judge, but it drives me up the wall when people ask for my advice (I lost 60#, not where I want to be yet but people notice!) and then keep doing what they’re doing. I have a one conversation rule – I will tell you everything you want to know, once. And I will follow up once. But I know first hand people won’t make change until they’re ready, and I was just frustrating myself trying to help people who didn’t actually want it.

        FWIW, I never approached anybody. But I had several friends who were really unhealthy or overweight come to me privately and ask.

        • Anonymous

          Srsly? Oh, sorry, right, it’s a lifelong struggle but you’re right, one piece of advice and I should just listen to you and just, like, do it and that will work!

          Hahahaha NOPE. Can you not even try to be compassionate? Like, maybe I really value your advice and yet still I can’t follow it.

          • Anonymous

            What? That’s not really what I said.

            Believe me, I know more than anybody you will not make a change until you’re ready. I have been there. I am still there.

            I don’t tell people I can’t be their friend. I still support them in their life goals. I just don’t continue to spin my wheels and have the same conversation with them about nutrition or exercise options or what have you. I have limited time and patience and resources too.

        • Anonymous

          I’d love to know what advice you give and what resources your send your friends to- 60 lbs is nothing to sneeze at, so I’m curious.

    • Anon

      I work in a casual office, so I don’t really have mean thoughts about what my co-workers are wearing because we are all usually in jeans and t-shirts. But we do wear suits when we go to court, which for us is for oral arguments in our state appellate courts. I do have mean or snobby thoughts about what people wear then. It’s not usually people from my office, but sometimes opposing counsel or other lawyers who do not wear suits to argument! (Always women, since men have it easy.)

    • Anonymous

      Basically never. I have positive thoughts often but I really don’t care all that much what other people wear. And as I get older I find more and more beauty around me.

      • profmama

        I love this! Really true that it’s possible to find beauty if we look for it. Like the FB meme the other day of before/ after pix of people who were told they were beautiful – their eyes and face light up, and they all look gorgeous.

    • Anon

      I am interested in fashion so I notice what other people are wearing. I might judge the fashion choices but I don’t find the judgment extending to the person wearing the fashion, just the fashion itself.

      One exception is young women in my department. Some of them dress inappropriately for work. I generally assume that if you feel the need to wear revealing clothing to work it is due to some level of insecurity, but I always want to take them aside in a mentoring way and give them advice about this. We work in a male dominated field and while the men we work with may enjoy the show, they also don’t take these ladies seriously.

    • August

      I almost never judge women for wearing frumpy clothes, or being overweight, or having frizzy hair or not wearing makeup. The time I judge is when women wear too much make up. I just feel kind of sorry for them for thinking that they need so much makeup to feel good about themselves/impress others. I genuinely appreciate when I see polished women.
      I was/am a nerd growing up and I was the one with no sense/interest in fashion,(so I used to wear frumpy clothes all the time), I was overweight (10 Lbs overweight even now), I have frizzy hair (which I maintain now) and I don’t wear makeup. I know that I am not a better or worse person after I fixed all the negative things. So I don’t judge people based on those things.

    • KS IT Chick

      I work in a hospital, so I have a different metric for my “oh, honey, no” thoughts. Scrub pants that are tight enough to show underwear lines, scrub tops that gape and show cleavage, those get the thoughts. Unclean (as in, I can smell really old nicotine BO) or the perfume is so heavy that my eyes are watering when someone is sitting across the desk from me gets the thoughts, too.

      Otherwise? I’m more inclined to notice someone who is dressed well in clothes that flatter them then to notice something that doesn’t.

    • Edna Mazur

      Two situations that have been mentioned here: (1) being remarkably inappropriate for church (I’m looking at you lady wearing yellow leggings, a leopard print thong, and slippers); and (2) interns and new hires dressing in revealing clothing in our business formal workplace. If the guys are wearing suits and ties everyday your outfit should neither have denim, nor should I be able to see your bra.

      Generally I notice for positive and am a little paranoid that other women think I am checking them out, and I suppose I am but not in an inappropriate way. I’ve been making an effort to let them know why (telling them that I love their bag, awesome shoes, etc.) so I don’t look creepy.

      If you are frumpy, or a little run down looking, I really don’t notice.

      • Edna Mazur

        church= court; although I would probably give that wardrobe choice the side eye in church as well.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I once saw a girl not wearing pants in court. Like she had on just boyshort underwear, closer to bikini underwear. They were black at least. She wasn’t in custody so she wasn’t arrested like that. It seemed she was there as a support person or witness for a defendant. I can’t figure out how she was let in. Maybe she got in and then took her pants off? She got up and left the court room briefly during a proceeding before the one she was there for (she had been sitting in the peanut gallery) and everyone just turned and watched as she walked out. Ten minutes later she walked back in and sat back down. Court security never said anything to her. Another attorney and I after said to each other – “I’m not crazy, that girl was just in her underwear right?” To this day I don’t know why she was there or allowed in or whatever. My case was before hers and I didn’t have time to hang around and find out.

    • Senior Attorney

      Honestly, I notice and enjoy when other women look good (and sometimes give compliments to strangers), but I don’t judge when they don’t.

      One of the things that really turned me around was working with an older (probably mid-60s or older) woman lawyer who looked, frankly, bizarre. Like she had a look that had worked for her in the late 1960s (teased hair, lots of makeup) and she just kept it up over the decades without changing it. Not really all that far from Mimi on The Drew Carey Show, seriously. But you know what? She was wicked smart and compassionate and damned good at her job and a big supporter of other women, after a while I just forgot to notice how weird she looked. And now when I see somebody looking wildly inappropriate I think about her and choose to assume that the outward appearance doesn’t tell the whole story.

      Strangely, though, I am a huge judger of men who wear shorts, flip flops, and t-shirts everywhere from court to nice restaurants. Dudes! Put on some real clothes! I guess I should work on that double standard, huh?

      As for weight, I was overweight for most of my life and I know all too well that it is not nearly as much in the person’s control as people like to think. So I. do. not. judge. weight.

      • Thanks.

        I like this story because it really emphasizes the inner beauty. I noticed in High School, too – a cute jock boy was less attractive as I got to know his dumb personality, whereas the band geeks became strangely appealing because they were kind to me, in my classes, etc. It works in the professional world, too.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      It used to be a lot – I realized it was making me into kind of a bad person, and I didn’t like that I did it, so I started forcing myself to think a compensatory nice thought every time I thought something mean, and over time (like, a year, at least), I’ve found that the frequency of my mean thoughts has decreased significantly, and I’m a lot more complimentary to others. Not to say I still don’t think mean things (particularly about people who deserve it – looking at *you* rude guy who stepped on my foot on the subway), but it’s a lot more under control and I’m a lot less of a judgmental brat than I used to be.

      Also, weirdly, I found it improved my own self-esteem – now that I’m not judging everyone meanly all the time, I find I’m a lot less concerned that others are doing the same to me.

      • Thanks.

        +1 on the connection between judging others and judging yourself, which other people have mentioned in their posts, too, but which is said neatly here. Thanks.

    • A spin on this...

      Is it weird to notice the details more if someone is more like you? For example – if someone is a similar age, height, weight, has a similar job, etc., then I noticed everything about them a bit more. “oh that’s a cool idea for her hair…I like that make-up…I like those clothes.”

      If people are not as similar I don’t pay attention to the details very closely unless it is something over the top.

    • bridget

      It’s a function of how much I dislike the person. Nice woman – I wouldn’t think a thing about how she looks.

      But if she’s mean, I get (internally) snobby when she looks lazy – unkempt, not put together, etc – or if she’s one of those older women who hasn’t aged well and is just plain nasty to any woman younger than herself.

    • Funny

      Sometimes I think, “She’s wearing THAT sexy outfit to WORK?!”
      And then I think…. “I wonder where she works….(imagining clubs, escorts, etc.)

      And then I think, “I’m a terrible feminist but that was funny.”

    • Anonymous

      I do, but mainly in 3 situations. 1) they have tried really hard and it’s a miss (e.g., I don’t just the person who threw on jeans and a random shirt with no makeup to run an errand), 2) its wildly inappropriate (mini skirt at the office), 3) it’s ultra basic on purpose (lululemons, uggs, with a north face jacket, with full make-up).

      I feel like I’m equal opportunity judgy with men and women, for what it’s worth.

    • Lavender

      Interesting question, but man now these responses have me worried if people are judging me on my bad days…

  4. Two Cents

    I am cross posting this.

    Does anyone have experience using a pediatric chiropractor to help minimize ear infections in a 1 year old? My son has had repeated ear infections and is likely on his way to tube surgery. We did a similar surgery for my older son and it all worked out fine, but I wanted to be more proactive about exploring other options before we get to surgery.

    Any recs for a reputed pediatric chiro in DC?

    • Anonymous

      I cannot imagine how a chiropractor would help. I’m sure they may tell you that an adjustment will make you taller, smaller, prettier, and not so grumpy in the morning. You could do with that what you will. But I don’t think that this would be very good at all for a small child. You see the damage that people do when they shake a baby. Doing something like so close to their head could so easily go wrong (and not help with the ear infections at all).

      Maybe talk to a reputable ENT first (some specialize in pediatric cases).

      • OP

        Thanks. I have seen a pediatric chiro in action (in another city) and the “adjustments” they make are so gentle it looks like they actually aren’t even doing anything at all. They barely touched the baby, yet my friend said that her baby had a noticeable improvement. But of course you’re right, I’m sure some chiros don’t know what they are doing and cause serious damage. Good call on talking to an ENT.

    • Jules

      I’m a believer in chiropractic — my chiropractor helps me deal with chronic headaches and shoulder pain after an injury some years ago and other issues and makes my life better — but I don’t understand how it would help with immune system issues or anything that isn’t musculo-sekeletal (sp?).

      That said, when my son was a toddler our family doctor was a DO who also was trained in homeopathy and she treated his chronic ear infections with homeopathic formulations when the infections kept returning after antibiotics (which she also had prescribed, she was not opposed to the more traditional routes). This enabled us to avoid the ear-tube surgery, so it might be worth investigating.

      • Anonymous

        It could be a muscular issue if the ear infection is happening because the Eustachian tube isn’t draining properly due to tight muscles in the neck. I had/have an issue where one of me ears feel perpetually half clogged (like I need to equalize the pressure). ENT couldn’t find anything wrong, TMJ dentist couldn’t find anything wrong. Massage has been the only thing so far that has relieved the pressure sensation, and I often do feel a movement of mucus/phlegm/whatever when having my upper back (and sometimes my hips!) worked on. So – there could be something there.

        • Wildkitten

          Fascinating! I have this problem too. Did you go to a regular masseuse or someone who specialized?

          • Anonymous

            It’s a regular stand alone massage clinic, and not part of a spa-experience. They bill themselves as a “wellness clinic” so some of the stuff feels a little new age-y, but has trained and licensed massage therapists. I think I’m getting more the deep-tissue type massage. The therapist started off focusing on the scalenes ( muscles on the side of the neck), but also do a lot of work on the upper back, pectorals (the pectoral stretches have made a huge difference for a problematic muscle knot along the spine) and hips.

            I’ve probably been going for a couple years, and while the problem has definitely gotten better, it’s also has not completely gone away. I’ve been pretty good about going every 2-4 weeks for the last year, more sporadically prior to that.

        • Jules

          Never thought of this, very interesting! Thanks for the info.

          And BTW my niece, an elementary school teacher who is not the least bit new-agey, does take her 2-y-o and 5-month-old to a super-gentle chiropractor (not sure exactly for what) and is very happy. But chiropractic certainly is nothing like shaking a baby.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Random but I had this issue too and when I got diagnosed with sleep apnea and got a cpap it completely went away. Doc had never heard of that relation before but thought it could have to do w/ my sinuses and a bonus effect of the cpap was keeping my sinuses open so the tubes could drain properly. I might not be explaining that right. I still wonder though if it was a sign of my sleep apnea.

        • Onlyworkingmomintulsa

          Did this issue affect anyone’s hearing as well? This sounds similar to what my dad is dealing with, the pressure feeling in the ear, and he has lost some hearing in that ear as well.

          • Anon @ 10:14

            No hearing loss hear for me, as confirmed by the audiologist I had to see when I went to the ENT. If he’s having hearing loss, I would go to the ENT/audiologist to rule out anything else. IANAD, but hearing loss seems like it would be more connected to the eardrum, hairs in the ear and the mechanisms of the inner ear, whereas (my theory on) the pressure is more about a cinching of the muscles around a particular structure.

            I mean, massage probably won’t hurt, if he wants to do it, and there are a number of other, unrelated benefits from having a regular massage, but it’s also going to take a while to see if there are any lasting results. So, my un-medical opinion is to try the massage and the ENT route in parallel :)

          • Q

            I had similar symptoms, which lead to the ENT & surgery. My condition was missed by multiple primary care physicians because it’s easy to miss & rarely seen by PCPs. Just an FYI, since most of my symptoms were easily ignored and didn’t seem important.

    • Dahlia

      Here is an article from a reputable (peer-reviewed) academic journal that looks at Chiropractic care in children- the evidence, risks, benefits and controversies. There is a bit of technical language but I think it would be reasonable for the educated lay-person to understand. It’s written for physicians but I think it has a lot of the information you are looking for!

      http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2794701/

  5. Wow

    I think there was a thread about this earlier but I can’t find it, sorry.

    I desperately need help boosting immunity. Over the last 2 weeks, our family of four has had horrible strep (out of work for 7 days), bronchitis (unwell for a few days), ear infections (repeated medical appts) , and cocksackie virus (out of daycare for 5 days). I’m sure the sickness comes from taking the metro, plus having two young children in daycare. But I simply cannot afford to keep missing work like this, either for my own illnesses or those of my kids. My husband travels so his ability to take off is limited.

    Aside from constant hand washing, what else helps? I am seriously willing to try anything at this point, we are all so miserable. :(

    • mascot

      Kids are petri dishes so some of this is normal (especially if they are in a new daycare/school).

      Things that work for our family- lots of sleep, good handwashing practices (we don’t use anti-bac soap or hand sanitizer), staying well hydrated, saline rinses/neti pots for adults and zinc supplements when we start to feel sick. I also tried the Zarbees Immunity gummy for kids at the advice of a friend. It was pricey, but it seemed to help when my son showed the first signs of a respiratory infection (and I knew he’d been around sick kids). We only did those for a week and then back to his normal multi-vitamin.
      I also believe in pro-biotics. We take a supplement a few times a week, eat yogurt regularly and fermented foods sometimes.

      • Anonymous

        FYI, in case you’re not aware, alcohol hand sanitizer is an antiseptic agent, not an antibiotic, and does not contribute to the creation of superbugs. Not bad for longterm immunity like trisclosan and other antibiotic agents.

        • mascot

          Thanks for that distinction. Kids often have actual dirt on hands, we usually have to wash hands regardless. But I’ll continue to keep some alcohol based stuff around for when sinks aren’t available and not worry about it. I’ve got hand eczema so I’ve sworn off a lot of these things.

      • Anon

        +1 on the probiotics – DH is a microbiologist and we all take probiotics – role of the gut in immunity is vastly underestimated. There’s no downside to probiotics – best case they help, worse case they don’t.

    • Immunity....

      There isn’t any way to “boost” your immunity.

      I speak as someone who works in Medicine and who has a close family member I care for that has a severe primary immunodeficiency. For him, it isn’t missing school/work, it’s life or death. I guarantee you, I have looked into everything, and the Immunologist has laughed at me when I have gotten up the nerve to ask about a few “supplements”…

      What you can do is try to correct a few things that can depress immunity some…..

      Get enough sleep.

      Decrease the stress in your family’s life.

      Eat a balanced diet.

      Exercise.

      Do not minimize the impact of hand washing. Now is the time to teach your kids how to use the hand sanitizer at the front/back door of your house every time they enter. You have to train kids how to use tissues appropriately. You have to train kids to wash their hands after they sneeze etc…

      Sorry… not what you want to hear.

      Also remember that some supplements can HURT you if you start taking them willy nilly. For example, Zinc can cause many medical problems and you shouldn’t be taking it if you aren’t having your blood levels checked regularly to be sure you aren’t overdosing.

      • Tetra

        I think it really does come down to hand washing and tissue use. And try not to use other people’s bathrooms, or public bathrooms, and clean your own bathroom with bleach products frequently.

        • Anonymous

          Oh lord. As long as you wash your hands, you can use other bathrooms. Don’t be obsessed with over-santizing your environment – that’s more likely to depress your immunity because you aren’t getting low level exposures that your body can handle and fight. Yes, clean your bathroom on a regular basis, but please don’t promote germ-phobia.

          And consider the shoulder or elbow sneeze technique over tissues, reduces the amount of hand washing you would need to do.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            This. Also, I have to really limit my antibiotic use because of a medical condition and I have had doctors recommend I up the zinc when I’m coming down with something or around people with something. I also can’t tolerate the zinc unless I use zycam nasal swabs (gut gets bothered by it) but it might be worth asking your doc about if they aren’t all in agreement on the issue.

        • Jax

          I actually agree about the bleach. I pour a little bit (maybe a tablespoon) in my dishwater. Most dishes go in the dishwasher, but kids cups are washed by hand and I wipe down the counters/table/light switches/door knobs/fridge handles with that water and a fresh dishcloth each night. Sponges are known to harbor all sorts of bacteria and yuck, so I only use cheap white dishcloths and toss them in the washing machine at the end of the week.

          Can you think of anything the kids might be continually using that could be holding/spreading germs? A cup they keep in the bathroom to rinse after brushing teeth? A water bottle? I catch my 10 year old using the same gross glass for water beside her bed and she can’t even tell me how old it is. (Barf.) Kids can be clueless.

    • Cb

      This is totally an old-wives tale but how much fresh air is everyone getting? My grandma always sent me outside in the winter to toughen me up a bit but I feel like time outside and cracked windows does seem to help me levels of congestion / overall feelings of wellness.

      • Snoozy

        I’m inclined to agree. Also, this isn’t much help for this winter, but ever since I started swimming outdoors regularly (and in fairly cold water – my nearest large body of water is the North Sea, and I swim wetsuitless down to 15C water temperature or so in autumn) I have had substantially fewer problems with colds and flu. No idea if there’s a scientific connection though.

    • Anonymous

      Our pediatrician told us that once our child entered day care, we should expect her to bring home two illnesses per month for the first two years. She was just about spot on. I caught most of these illnesses and was often sicker than my child.

      All you can really do to avoid having illness spread through the family is to have everyone wash their hands frequently and ensure adequate sleep, nutrition, and hydration. A doctor did tell us once that we might be able to avoid catching our kid’s stomach bug by eating lots of yogurt. It seemed to work, but maybe we were just lucky.

      • WestCoast Lawyer

        I think it was 12-18 months for us, but I want to say that the upside is I think it strengthens their immunity and my son (now in public school) almost never gets sick!

        • Meg Murry

          Yes, I have a friend who was a kindergarten teacher and she said the number one difference between kids who went to daycare or preschool vs kids who didn’t was that the kids who hadn’t been in school before missed tons of school because they were constantly getting sick. It seems like no matter the age, your kids will get sick a lot for their first 2 years of school and interacting with tons of other kids, and then the sicknesses will taper off.

          But on my side, the only thing I can offer is give up on everything else in favor of getting a some moderately healthy food and lots of sleep. Cancel all the weekend plans and just take it easy. If the kids are finally well enough, send them to daycare and take a day off yourself to just stay in bed.

    • Anonymous

      There are some studies about how things like taking elderberry extract can help you get over the flu faster — I would honestly have to go read the studies to remember how significants the results (probably not very), but in any case, eating lots of vegetables and whole fruits (not juice) is very good for you, plus whole grains and fermented/cultured foods. There is information about there about how developing a good gut flora is important for your immune system that you might find interesting to read, though I’m not sure how much good information exists about how to actually cultivate one.

      Otherwise, getting enough sleep is important, moderate but not intense exercise (intense exercise is maybe thought to depress the immune system, take that with a grain of salt), handwashing, etc. If you’re on the metro, maybe make sure you wear gloves? I don’t know if it truly helps, but I feel like it does because I don’t touch my face when I have gloves on.

    • anon a mouse

      In addition to the other suggestions – I am hyper-vigilant about throwing everything at wellness once I have the smallest hint of a cold. I am good about handwashing/purell and taking probiotics, but have found that as I get older, a minor cold affects me much more than it used to.

      For me, that means at the first sign of a cold, I take extra vitamin C (lozenges and juice), extra vitamins, extra sleep (like, 2+ extra hours a night – I basically clear my calendar until I am well) and a humidifier in the bedroom. I can’t tell which one of those makes a difference the most, but I’ve noticed that I can cut my “feeling sick” time from a week or more to just a couple of days.

    • CMC

      I’m a big fan of gargling with salt water at the first sign of illness, and for several days after. Could just be placebo, but I’ll certainly continue to do it!

  6. Snickety

    Does anyone have a recommendation for warm leggings made out of a substantial knit fabric? I’m looking for something like a sweater knit in a wool blend, but I’d take fleece-lined or ponte.

    • KateMiddletown

      Try Athleta and Lulu. They have their winter stuff out right now and the plain black could pass in many situations. (Not my work, but all day Saturday and Sunday.)

      • Snickety

        Thanks, yes, I’m looking for leggings to wear with a long sweater and boots on weekends and casual days. I’m always cold.

    • Maddie Ross

      I have a pair of Splendid leggings that are a thick knit. Not sure about fabric contents, but they are more like the thick knit of Splendid t-shirts than like workout leggings and they aren’t shiny at all.

    • Anon

      I bought some of the cuddle duds fleece leggings from target and I love them. I believe they are meant to be an underwater but they are not revealing at all. I’m firmly in the leggings-are-not-pants camp so I wouldn’t wear them without something covering my rear, but they’re certainly not see through.

    • DisenchantedinDC

      Get yourself some lululemon high times or roll down herringbone leggings. Thank me later.

  7. Roth IRA question

    I inherited about $12K from a relative recently. Can I use that money to max out my Roth IRA contribution for the year (and my husband’s) or do Roth IRA contributions need to come from earned income? I also contribute to my work 401K and savings accounts, but would like to fill out that Roth this year as well. TIA!

    • NYC tech

      My understanding is that you need to *have* earned income at some point in the year (i.e., if you want to contribute $5500 to your Roth, you need to have earned $5500 over the course of 2015). But the money you contribute to the Roth does not have to come from that income. So if you earned at least as much as you want to contribute (which could also mean that you earned $11,000 and your husband earned nothing, then you can still contribute for both people), then you can use the inheritance money for the Roth. But I’m neither a lawyer nor an accountant, so maybe someone else will chime in.

      • Syd

        I don’t know about the spouse rules, but for yourself the money can come from anywhere as long as you earned the 5500 during the year.

  8. anon for this

    How early is too early to show up for an interview? I am always early, but feel weird just sitting there for ten minutes. And are tall black dress boots in good condition okay for an interview, with a black suit? I live in a winter city, and it’s a warmish but rainy day. It’s been forever since I have done this.

    • Lez

      I’m in Chi, and any time after October probably I wouldn’t blink at someone wearing black boots with a black suit for an interview. I think ten minutes is the exact right amount of time. Good luck!

    • Anon

      I think 10-15 minutes early is ideal. Less would be fine but would make me nervous, and anything more starts to veer towards uncomfortably early unless there is a coffee shop or somewhere in which you can kill time before “officially” arriving. I personally would not wear boots to the interview, but if weather required, you could certainly wear them, change into heels when you arrived, and leave the boots with the receptionist.

    • Anon

      As an interviewer, I would be surprised if someone turned up fifteen minutes early, but ultimately it’s fine as long as you’re ok with the fact that the interviewer likely won’t be ready until the allotted time.

      If you’re concerned about being too early, I would just hang out outside and wait to go into reception until you’re within an acceptable time range (which I would have thought was within 5-10 minutes, but this is so personal).

      • Em

        Yeah, I prefer no more than 10 minutes early, and 5 is better. The receptionist always calls me and lets me know they’re here and then I have to decide whether to leave them sitting there or disrupt my own schedule.

    • LAnon

      Show up as early as possible, but don’t “officially” arrive until 10-15 min ahead max. If it’s a large company and you can just sit in the lobby before even notifying anyone you’re there, just wait there. If not, I second the coffee shop idea above. Or just sit in your car and play with your phone or something. Once the receptionist has called up to let your interviewer know you’re there, they’ll feel pressure to come greet you and that can be irritating if you’re really early.

    • Anonymous

      I’d try not to get there more than 5-10 minutes early. 15 may be acceptable, but pushing it.

      Since I have a tendency to be super early to basically everything, I was in this boat yesterday. I gave myself a lot of extra time to get to an interview recently and ended up getting to the train station 45 minutes before the interview was set to start! I only needed an additional 20 minutes or so to walk to the building, so I decided to hang out at the station and watch something on my iPad, then when I got to the building 15 minutes early I hung out in the lobby browsing Facebook for about 5 minutes before going up.

    • Permaclerk

      A lot depends on where you’re interviewing. When I interview prospective law clerks, it drives me crazy when they come to chambers 15 or 20 minutes early. It’s a small area and we are often interviewing multiple people per day, so it’s so awkward to have someone sitting in our small waiting area. And also awkward to try to work while someone is sitting there (if all of the interviewers aren’t ready). I’d prefer it if really early-arrivers waited in a public area of the courthouse until it is close to the appointed hour.

      But if you’re in giant waiting room of a big law firm, I don’t think it matters how early you’re there.

    • Hollis

      I agree with everyone’s comments on arriving early, but I would not like to see tall boots with a suit, unless you are wearing a pants suit and I don’t notice your shoes. Tall boots are not professional enough for business attire, so if you can change into boring pumps, or even wedges or flats, it would give a better impression. But it depends on the industry of course.

  9. cell phones

    Has anyone switch to one of the new Verizon plans and actually saved money? Were there any catches (longer contract time, hidden charges, etc.)? We are a family plan paying for way more data than we need, and the primary plan holder ignored me when I suggested fixing it before all these new plans went into effect…

    • Anonymous

      I just switched to one of the new plans while adding a second line – if you’re looking for a lot of data (we’re on an XL plan) it was a lot cheaper – we were both out of contract, there was no extension connected w the switch

  10. Anonymous

    Say you have a coworker that you’re sort of friends with, and they are burning bridges at work for number of reasons. This is probably putting his job in jeopardy.

    Do you give them a heads up? Or do you not get involved? I don’t really want to be involved at all, but, I also think I would prefer if someone told me I needed to change my behavior if I was in his situation. But that’s our bosses’ job, not mine, right?

    • CountC

      I would stay out of it unless he/she was a really good and true friend of mine, but if he/she was that sort of friend, we’d have had the conversation by this point!

    • Anonymous

      Can you ask if something’s going on, that you’ve noticed X or Y and are concerned?

    • Idea

      Ask if they want professional advice first? They might welcome an outside perspective.
      “Hey, you know me, I keep my head down and focused except when we’re having fun, but I’ve noticed some stuff going on and I just want to check in and see if you need or want an outside perspective”

  12. Anonymous

    Is there any gentle, loving way to address my husband’s (terrible) table manners? When it is just the two of us, I don’t usually notice it (and think of it as the “price of admission”), but I have some business/interview dinners coming up to which he is invited. And (I know it makes me sound shallow) I am already worried about whether bosses will notice him hunching over and shoveling food in his mouth, cutting food then using fork backwards/in the left hand to eat, and gripping spoon with his whole fist. Will they notice? Does it matter? Is there a nice way to address it or should I ignore? I think this is probably a “me” issue but would like advice!

    • LAnon

      You might need to pick your battles here. Using the wrong hand or wrong grip probably would go unnoticed, but hunching and shoveling might be off-putting. Maybe you could bring it up by saying something like, “It sounds weird, but the thing I’m most nervous about is our table manners! I feel like we don’t usually have to worry about these things but for these dinners we do!” and make it sound like an “us” problem rather than you criticizing him.

    • manners

      If he is doing something blatantly… disgusting.. like talking/chewing with his mouth open, I might mention it to him. Carefully….

      But otherwise, I would let everything else you mention go. It is very hard to change these habits in a grown adult.

      Remember, people will be looking at you – not him – and you are noticing things about your spouse disproportionate to how others will.

      I would be more inclined to have my spouse not come, if I worried that his presence would make me more anxious for these reasons. He doesn’t have to be there for an interview dinner, am I right?

      • CountC

        I agree with this. I would let it all go. In regard to chewing with mouth open/speaking with food in the mouth, I always frame it from a noise perspective. That type of noise makes me so angry that I really feel the need to get up from the table.

    • Anonymous

      “cutting food then using fork backwards/in the left hand to eat”

      I’d let this one go, unless you’re in an area where that’s really frowned upon. there’s a huge debate over whether people need to switch hands to eat after cutting, and a lot of people feel it’s not necessary.

      • Anonymous

        I eat like this. It’s perfectly correct to do so if you are eating European style throughout the meal.

        • Anonymous

          +1 If you were in Europe and cut your food and then picked up the fork only in the other hand, people who didn’t know this is how Americans eat would probably think the person was lacking in table manners.

      • CountC

        Yes, unless people are aware there is a European way and an American way and that there are some places where a hybrid is accepted, I would not worry about it. I notice when people flip because I am crazy pants, but I don’t care in a meaningful way about it in regard to what I think about a person.

        • CountC

          I was not clear. Do not worry about this for what you are asking about. Don’t go down the rabbit hole of tines up or tines down either!

          • OP

            Thanks all. It is a dinner about possible new position that would potentially involve a spousal hire for him (different department, but the department recruiting me would be strongly encouraging other department to hire him) so he should be there. I appreciate the insights!

          • CountC

            Hmmm, well if he is also being evaluated, I think that changes it a little bit. I think the hunching and shoveling is something that should be gently addressed in that case.

    • Idea

      Take an etiquette class together! Tell him you have to do it for your job, and it’ll be date night for the 2 of you.

  13. holiday party help

    My SO and I work for the same company, different departments. My department is pretty universally something that people like to complain about, along the lines of Internal Audit. I generally tell people in social situations what I do, not where I work. This was after multiple uncomfortable encounters, including my PCP complaining to me about an issue that he had.

    I am going through a really trying time at work right now anyways to the point where I am having nightmares about a major project. I am 100% dreading his office party tonight where I know people will make little comments or say, oh, you work for X? Is there a polite way to deflect or shut it down? I don’t want to hurt him politically but I just don’t want to get into work discussions. I honestly hate my job and I don’t want to have to defend the department either. (Not looking for advice on how I need a change. I know and am working on that.)

    • Wildkitten

      Can you head off awkwardness with a self-deprecating joke? That’s a strategy lawyers use a lot, since we often work in those departments everyone hates. (Compliance – I’m looking at you!)

    • Senior Attorney

      “Oh, it’s just super boring! Man! These meatballs are delish, aren’t they?”

      • Senior Attorney

        Or just “Let’s just agree that my department is indefensible! How ’bout that shrimp cocktail, huh?”

    • Anonymous

      I work for a direct competitor to my husband’s company. We are both in senior mgmt. I actually simply don’t go to his holiday party, which is a total bummer, because it’s really swanky, but the awkwardness is too much. it’s not imagined awkwardness, it’s had-to-go-through-all-kinds-of-HR-when-he-took-the-job awkward.

    • holiday party help

      Thanks, all! I will probably do a combination. It’s too late not to go, although that would be my first choice.

  14. YELLING

    Have you ever been yelled at via email in caps lock at work? I got a pretty rude email from someone higher up than me (but not my supervisor) that was in all caps and kind of rude (think something like I TOLD YOU, YES) where it was not warranted. I let it slide on the off chance that it was an accidental caps lock situation (although it was sent from an iphone, and I don’t think it’s easy to accidentally caps lock on an iphone). Anyway, just wanted to hear some thoughts on real life yelling vs email yelling, whether email yelling should be tolerated in a different way than real life yelling?

    • Anonymous

      I have gotten yelled at IN CAPS TONE on the phone before. From someone way junior to me. She was screaming/ranting in the most unprofessional way I have ever experienced. I told her, “[X], call me back when you are ready to have an adult conversation.” Then I called her boss, who did nothing, then I talked to HR and got her written up. It was totally over the line.

      Come to find out after all that, she did the same thing to people on my team! I was furious and instigated a full out HR session with her, her boss,etc about anger management and professionalism in the workplace. I am normally NOT this person but I was truly floored by her behavior. FWIW it was not even a life-and-death scenario. She wanted to get a contract signed on a friday night.

    • Anonymous

      I work with a few management level people a bit older than me who are not necessarily tech savvy (although they are the last purveyors of beautiful handwriting). On their iPhones caps goes on and off. I don’t think they would have any clue this is a tech signal for yelling. I’m also not certain they would know how to fix it.

  15. lucy stone

    I recently found out I am pregnant after a miscarriage. Because my miscarriage earlier this year was a missed miscarriage, I have to go for frequent beta tests throughout the first trimester. I went in on Wednesday at lunch for my bloodwork and was told by my OB that I would receive results by the end of the day. Her nurse failed to call me prior to leaving. I called yesterday and received my results, which thankfully were good, from another nurse. Her nurse called me this morning to confirm I’d be having more bloodwork today, and when I asked why she didn’t call me on Wednesday she had no explanation and did not apologize, and in fact said that she didn’t see the results before leaving even though the nurse I spoke with yesterday said the results had been viewed by the OB and the other nurse. This OB group is the only one in 30 miles that’s covered by my insurance. Would I be out of line to ask if another OB’s nurse could handle my care, or should I just switch to another OB within the practice? I really like my OB but this nurse is a flake and I was in tears on Wednesday thinking she didn’t call because something was wrong.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, this seems to be one of those things that happens in a busy practice. I’m actually wondering if the anxiety and catastrophizing you describe (she didn’t call b/c something was wrong) is something for you to consider (rather than changing staff).

      • Opal

        Ohmigosh. No.

        There is nothing wrong with you, lucy stone. TTC is so draining, particularly after miscarriages. If you are not comfortable with someone handling your health, do not point the finger at yourself! Find someone – another OB, another practice group, another nurse – who you can work with productively during this sensitive time. This is an emotional process and you need a medical team you can rely on.

      • lucy stone

        I’m in counseling for my anxiety disorder, and my counselor actually complained to the OB about this nurse not calling me back promptly during my failed pregnancy. I am definitely planning on continuing counseling throughout pregnancy.

        • Anonymous

          I’m the 11:18 poster – from one anxiety sufferer to another, I wish you the best.

    • Maddie Ross

      I’m sorry about the miscarriage, and how the nurse treated you. I also had a MM, and the pregnancy afterward was harrowing at times – esp. early on. That said, if this is the first issue ever that you’ve had and you otherwise like your OB, I might let this one slide. Esp. if you were able to call and get your results. When you’re doing frequent testing like that no news is usually good news. I understand the frustration that she didn’t apologize, but switching to another OB group over this may be a bit extreme, esp if there is no one close.

      • Syd

        I agree with this. I also had to do the repeated bloodwork this fall and I was always told that they would call by the end of the day, but that if I hadn’t heard within thirty minutes of the office closing to call them and ask for results. Its frustrating because those results mean everything to you and are just another part of the job for them. If you’re happy with your doctor I would just take a more proactive approach with the nurse.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry, but this is completely normal. It’s not perfect, but it happens. It’s not just one bad nurse, and she’s probably not bad. It’s just part of a busy medical practice.

      Congrats!

      • manners

        Yes, please let this slide. It happens all the time in the best of practices.

        And you should know that it is the norm with us that we call our doctors when we don’t hear back by a reasonable amount of time and/or if the results are anxiety provoking for us.

        You have to remember that the life in a doctor’s office is a bit unpredictable. There are people who are sick every day, and they often have to prioritize. It is what it is.

        And just because someone “clicked” on the lab results, doesn’t mean they actually “saw” it.

        And it is the “normal” results that often get deferred when time is short. So more often than not, no news is good news.

        And don’t say you want to stop working with a particular nurse. That often means you are cutting down the number of people who can help monitor your care, and that is usually worse for you in the long run.

        At your next appointment with the OB, ask what you should do if you don’t hear back by the agreed time. Mention that this was quite stressful for you. Try to be calm if you can.

        • Walnut

          It’s not always the case that normal results get skipped. After two days waiting on my office, I called to confirm a glucose test to be told that I “failed spectacularly” and I needed to do the three hour test as soon as possible. Gosh, just how long was the office planning to wait to share this news and get the follow up scheduled? I wish I had said something sooner rather than letting it bother me nearly the entire pregnancy.

    • Walnut

      I would say something to your doctor. After a full pregnancy of frustrating communication with my OB-GYN office, I finally vented to my doctor who apologized profusely. I’m not sure if it’ll make a difference in the practice, but it made me feel better.

    • Anonymous

      Unfortunately, this happens everywhere. I know it’s frustrating, but if you don’t receive a prompt call it usually indicates that you’re on the pile of good results. If you’re worried, it would probably be better to ask the office about their policy of notifying you about test results rather than switching nurses – asking to switch after one time is out of line, in my opinion.

    • suggestion

      This is unfortunately the norm with OB practices. However, you may have an alternative without changing OB’s. Fertility clinics are much, much better about calling with beta results, and about doing a bit of handholding over the numbers if necessary. I had a beta every two days for several weeks once and received a call back within 6 hours every.single.time. If there is a clinic that your insurance covers, you could go there for the blood draws while returning to your OB for regular maternity care. This is fairly common — the fertility clinic would likely understand the request.

      • NYCpg

        This! I was completely spoiled by my fertility clinic, which was brilliant with same-day calls on bloodwork (stems from the fact that a lot of the fertility bloodwork done within a cycle informs the amount of drugs you’re supposed to take that night, but those good habits carry over to betas, etc.). Now that I’ve been released to an ob, I am having the worst time of it. I’m actually waiting on some test results right now and I’m about to go call for the second time today. I wish my RE could just see me though to delivery!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My doctor’s office posts test results online though I haven’t been through a pregnancy and don’t know if those go online too. Any chance they have an online portal you can check?

      • lucy stone

        They have a two week hold on HCG results. It’s apparently a policy within the healthcare system. So stupid. I could find out if my mammogram was normal online, but not the health of our baby.

  16. Bedroom Design Help?

    We just painted our bedroom a light gray. It has white trim and furniture is mahogany. I’m dying for a bright duvet as a pop of color but am coming up short. I was hoping for a patterned (paisley ok), not-too-girly bright duvet with a few matching pillows in the orange, purple, teal family, but no such luck. I’m also open to other recommendations!

    Any vicarious shoppers out there? Added points if it’s of reasonably good quality (ie: not Target – that’s what we’re replacing!).

  17. Anon

    I’m a finance professional. I hate year end. I ate Pringles for breakfast. Any of my finance ladies feel me?

    • marketingchic

      Not in finance (obvs) but our fiscal year ends 12/31 and it makes every December miserable. If one more person asks if I’m “ready for Christmas” I might clock them!

    • MNonymous

      Ack. I feel you, but wish I didn’t! Three very large deal closings still to go this year. Can we all agree to do Christmas in January?

    • Anon

      I just added Christmas cookies to my Pringles breakfast. I think we have to call t brunch now.

      You want another pro forma financial statement? Sure! What is the answer? The answer is : what do you want the answer to be?

      • Opal

        Oh my gosh. Parallel lives. Isn’t it just one giant assumption anyhow?! So why don’t we stop trying to out-assume the other and just go about our merry little ways and enjoy the season. Roar.

    • CountC

      Not in finance, but am experience the end of the month push for bookings (from the contract side). I have eaten approximately 15 butter cookies, which is killing my stomach, some chocolate, and some cheese. And a lot of coffee. The subtle twitch that has been happening in my right eye is now so full-blown that I can barely see out of it.

      YAYYYY!

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